#bc i take it easy and fuck around sometimes at work so i dont think it counts

[meanderfall]

people tend to tell me that i work hard and i deserve to take it easy, and i never know what to say bc i dont really believe them

but also maybe i should remember how, for 13 years in p.e., i would push my body to the point of feeling like i was having a heart attack and i was going to throw up, every single time, partially bc they never taught us how we should be exercising but also partially bc i think a part of my brain figured you're not working hard unless you're hurting

and then in the last year i took that kind of class at school, i actually paid attention to what your bpm should be when working out, specifically for improving cardio

and for the first time ever, i actually enjoyed exercising. and i actually improved so much.

so maybe i dont have to be pushing myself to the point of burning out to feel like im working hard. maybe accepting that particular compliment and advice isn't contingent on me feeling like im putting in that extra effort.

[writersblockended]

Miguel O’Hara - HC

Warnings: no translated Spanish, other than that none??? Just fluff

Miguel O’Hara x reader

First of all that man is extremely romantic

He comes off as a serious man but did you see how he’s able to get bat shit crazy like he did for miles?

So he’s 100% capable of feeling intense emotions and SHOWS it. He’s got no problem with it

So he will shower you with gifts, sugar daddy style

One day you’ll see something in your closet or outside your door and think…I’ve never bought this before did i?

Honestly it didn’t take much to put two and two together, so you would just ask him about it

“Miguel, what did I tell you about buying me things, I’m not gonna have enough space for everything at some point you know?”

“I don’t dont know what you’re talking about.”

You’ll just roll your eyes, he’s never going to learn is he?

He is also jealous, but not controlling

He respects you and trusts you, but he doesn’t trust others

So if you’re in HQ to visit him and you find yourself talking to the different spidermen…

Hobie would be talking to you about politics and the importance of unions for workers, you would animatedly reply

And then walks Miguel…he saw you both and he knew you were going to surprise him

But he couldn’t help but feel jealous

Why couldn’t you go straight to him?

I think those feelings of jealousy come from his fear of losing people

You turn around and see Miguel, you smile

“Hey babe, cómo estás mi amorcito? Te quise sorprender pero ya veo que ya me viste”

“Hola, i see you two are talking, but that can wait. Ven contigo amor.”

You follow him to his lair (or rlly was is it …an office?)

And you go “okay what is it, did you need anything?”

“No, I just wanted you for myself.”

This makes you laugh, honestly Hobie is harmless and Miguel knows this. But he can’t help but feel threatened

He just wants you for himself really.

He’s also a huge cuddle bug, but he doesn’t show his affection in public. He doesn’t have an image to maintain doesn’t he?

At HQ he won’t kiss you unless everyone’s distracted, or he’ll have you sit on his lap while no one’s around.

Honestly it’s so easy to take naps while he’s working on things, those arms are quite literally pillows.

But at home? Oh my god, he’s like him stuck to your hair on a hot day

He will drop that persona and just simply attach himself to you and the nearest piece of furniture.

He will kiss you up and want to lay in bed so he’s fully on you

Sometimes he will fall asleep on you entirely, and he will wake up in the middle of the night panicking thinking he’s hurt you with his huge body

“No te hecho nada no mi amor? Fuck you should’ve told me I fell asleep on you babe”

“Oh my god Miguel you act as if you’ weight a ton, besides it’s no big deal”

He’s honestly such a worrier with you, he just wants you to be happy with him, so sometimes he will overanalyze every aspect of his relationship and you can see the gears turning everytime

Thats when you’ll reassure him and let him know he’s doing great, that he’s an amazing man who should not feel as if you are going to leave him. That simply won’t happen.

He also loved it when you take care of him, mostly bc he’s neglecting himself and it feels good to have someone do that for you u know?

If you give him a massage after a particular long day or tend to his wounds if he’s injured

He will just look at you with these loving glazed eyes and he will just melt under your touch

He acts tough but inside he’s like melted butter, softest guy you will ever meet.

He’s actually so emotional, he’s just good at hiding it

So if you guys argue, he’s upset and will look cranky at work

Once he gets home he sees you and your cold gaze and he will absolutely beg on his knees for your forgiveness, it makes you feel bad instantly, so you forgive him

All in all, your relationship with him is super stable and loving.

So yea this is me attempting to write after two years 😭🫣

Let me know if you guys like it cus idk I’m thinking of going back to writing fanfics and drabbles and all that good stuff ;)

Requests are open!!

[pasta-in-the-pudding]

Oh my gosh sorry- reader with princess Daisy personality x Ben drowned if you could? :)

Dont be sorry its an easy mistake to make <3 also i love when ppl request ben and video game girls its so perfect

Credits to divider go to saradika-graphics! Go follow them and support their work

Thank you so much for requesting!!

Ben x Daisy!Reader

You are his dream partner tbh

Well i mean, anyone is his dream partner bc he thinks everyone is hot BUT I MEAN IT THIS TIME OK

He loves sassier people/more dominant people, especially in a more romantic sense

Since he's so laidback and nonchalant, it gives him a rush to have someone pushing him around, unafraid to say what they want and take what they want

And you have enough energy for the both of you anyways

He'll be behind you, nibbling on your ear while you are screaming at losing yet another uno match

He also loves how sportsy you are

Even if you don't play sports outright

Let's say you get into a competition

He will absolutely be your number 1 supporter

Cheering and hyping you up while standing off in the sideline

"Yeah that's it! Kick his ass baby!"

And once you are done, he will brush some sweaty hair out of your face and kiss your nose lovingly

But if you do play sports??

He will try to be at most of your games, but sometimes he just can't be bothered

When he is there though, he will hold nothing back, practically booing the other team off the field

And when you take breaks, he will slyly comment on how hot your uniform is while rubbing your hips

You roll your eyes and flick his nose, to which he cackles

He loves getting you all worked up and annoyed lol

He thinks it's really attractive

And cute

Idk he just likes teasing ppl in general, but especially someone with a personality as....loud as yours

Don't get me wrong, you definetly still wear the pants in this relationship

He just like to fuck with you now and then

[jokeson-u]

ok so we know shauna is the fastest, lottie has the best footwork, and tai is likely the best all around player. i wanna expand a little on that and what i think the other varsity members are good at.

so first off. jackie. shes the best playmaker. her dad was the local kids soccer coach when she was little and it was her major bonding point with him. she actually enjoyed playing soccer, and watching it with her dad. theyd make plays together and as she got older it kinda stopped but its still a sentimental thing for her.

shauna was always a fast runner, but she preferred track to soccer. jackie really wanted shauna to join from a young age, and shauna didn't like it but she did like spending time w jackie, and she was able to work off some of her frustration on the field when running. she enjoys going on morning jogs sometimes still, and tai occasionally joins her.

lottie was kinda similar to jackie in terms of playing from a young age. her parents and therapist found it important that lottie be involved in social activities. she didnt really care about it, but when she realized she actually had skill she started to enjoy it. it was an easy way to make friends so her parents and therapist dont worry, and as she gets older, its an excuse not to be sitting at home all alone. lottie is a very dedicated person when she cares about something, so her effort in soccer resulted in her above average footwork on the field.

taissa did softball, swim, and briefly basketball as a kid. she wasnt super into it but she was pretty good. like lottie, taissa is a dedicated person, but unlike her, tai puts her 110% into everything, even if she doesnt care about it all that much. she wants to be the best at everything she does. during a soccer unit in middle school gym, she realizes soccer is everything she likes in a sport- especially because its the best shes ever played.

van is goalie obviously, and has the best reflexes. she doesnt do a ton of on field drills bc of her position but she does a lot of training w coach ben while the team does their drills. shes improved drastically at her goalie skills with all the one on one during practice. plus, tai sometimes ropes her into practicing when she goes over to her place, and tai does not go easy on her lol.

natalie is the best scorer. she doesnt actually play organized soccer until high school, but she used to practice juggling a ball in front of her trailer growing up. she got really good at it which is why she figured she'd join the team in high school as something to get her away from her parents. because of her physical comfort with the ball, she was naturally good at taking controlled shots.

laura lee is the best passer and executer. she listens intently to the plays given and is the backbone of getting the ball across the field. but shes also shes really good at sort of sitting back and observing the other teams strengths and weaknesses, and applying that to each play and setting up opportunities for her own team.

mari is a really fucking good defender. she grew up with a lot of brothers, most of which played football, so shes really aggressive and rough by nature when she needs to be.

idk who I'm forgetting and i dont care enough about allie to include her lol

[inhun]

hi tumblr user inhun. random sangihun ask time bc i love hearing your headcanons........ do u think that sangwoo and gihun ever kissed or had little experimental gay moments when they knew each other as teenagers or do u think that sangwoo was too repressed for that......... personally i can kinda imagine kid gihun being physically affectionate and hugging/cuddling with sangwoo sometimes and sangwoo being fine with it as a little kid, but as he gets older and internalises more toxic masculinity stuff he pushes him away more........ + gihun makes him Feel Things and that scares him. but i'm curious to know what your take on it would be

I CAN FINALLY ANSWER THIS YRARAAUGHHH.also please always send random sangihun asks im always here.........when im not at work

BUT! it's a bit tricky because i kind of like both angles. realistically, i think both of them would've been too repressed/unaware. because in their teens, sangwoo was most likely fully focused on college. as much as its a joke that gihun brags so much about it, being top of the class at SNU is NAWWT an easy feat so genuinely, i dont think sangwoo really had too much of a social life beyond a childhood friendship with gihun. i definitely think he had other friends! but i dont think he hung out with people much outside of school, and honestly if it wasnt for the fact gihun could probably just Walk into sangwoos house, he wouldn't have hung out with gihun much either. his focus was elsewhere! as for gihun i just dont think he wouldve clued something as gay until much later.

now. that said, i dont think them practically being in each others laps or fist fighting was that unusual for them at that time. I like to think they met pretty early on during their elementary school years and had been friends ever since, so they're very much used to each others presence, and like u said re gihun being physically affectionate, i think both of them were. holding each others faces, hugging, etc was casual (much like how gihun and jungbae were imo), and was just something they did, so even with the Ever Looming Presence Of Internalized Homophobia, stuff like that wasn't necessarily romantic/taboo to them, because theyve always been like that with each other, and most likely with other friends. Now .

i dont think any gay moments between them wouldve been intentional, but it Could have happened, and i dont think either of them wouldve been self aware enough to realize it was a little gay until Later later on. like maybe cuddling got a little too tense once but neither of them said anything because why is it weird now and not any other time. but i dont think this wouldve happened too much.

now. ☝ the prime underutilized sangihun time is when gay shit wouldve happened and it makes me so mad that pre-s2 drop ao3 sangihun tag didnt have shit or fuck for this era. sangwoos early college years. iirc, gihun literally says he drove sangwoo back and forth for his college classes. they were definitely still hanging out in that era. why were there so many fics that made them stop talking after highschool/when sangwoo went to college. bitch. they were drinking soju in gihuns studio apartment pulling all nighters. if they started making out around 3 am that's only for 3 am them to know.

[pumpkinsy0]

Okay so this is gonna sound weird but when I was younger I legitimately didn’t know my family was poor. Like when your a kid your kind of just oblivious to it I think. For example: there were time where we ate rice and beans for a month straight. Or sometimes the electricity would go off. BUT the one thing that would catch my eye is the fact that everything around the house was always broken.

The bathroom? Plumbing absolutely screwed, with a door that’s off it’s hinges.

The floor? Fine except the four missing/broken tiles in the corner of the living room.

But the one thing that is my villain origin story…is the sink. Our plumbing is so bad that the sink just won’t work. If you try to use it normally it just gets overflowed and clogged. So my dad decided to just put a big bucket in the sink. Now every time me and my brother had to wash dishes, we had to carry that big bucket outside to dump the water. It SUCKS and to me anyone who has a working sink feels rich.

That being said I definitely imagine that the shepards have gone through something similar. And I just KNOW Curly would absolutely hate having to take that big old bucket out everytime he has to wash dishes. Angela refuses to do the dishes cause there’s no way she’s gonna get her clothes dirty with dish water, and Tim pulls the oldest sibling card.

i get EXACTLY what u mean

at least ONCE, curlys fucked around w it bc he knows hiw much angela hates it and he would fake throw it on her, but ONCE ONNEEE TIME, it actually did drop on her and she was so pissed and tim had to deal w their shrieking

and if i may add on☝🏽their house just isnt rlly looking the best like safety wise either??? like its so easy to get a nasty cut where they live and ALL of the shepards have a scar

they all hate the place, the only place they rlly like is their bed and they can barely even say THAT, they dont rlly like being home</333

[eliteseven]

So I finally gathered the courage to read the latest chapter and now that ive calmed down i would like to give a comment that isnt just incoherent screaming lol (obvious spoilers)

Holy shit that chapter was intense.

I know we talked about the idea of Shadowheart being controlled but I never considered it the other way around and it fucking broke me.😭 I would like to file a lawsuit for infliction of emotional distress (or i would if i had money lol) The way it turned the tables on Serena in the worst way to going from being abused to in an instant becoming the thing she never wanted to be and being powerless to stop it… fuck man. This poor woman 🥺 i just wanna hug her so bad! The pure horror all over her face and Shadowheart refusing to try and defend herself, just being so loving and supportive till the end just *gross sobbing

Ok can we talk about Nocturne for a minute. First of all the absolute relief that Nocturne was herself and not just a mindwiped thrall was a true blessing. I may or may not have internally screamed when i found out she kept the ring. Just the fact she still cared enough to notice and gave it back. The fact shes still such a good person after everything is so important to me cause it would be really easy for her to turn bitter and jealous but shes not and i love her so much even though she also makes me sad. Their relationship is so complicated and I’ll never not love it. Also love the idea of her transitioning to the harpers tbh. It suits her. Hopefully she can find much better company in that work and some much needed healing. It’s what she deserves.

The fact that we dont know what was lost, and even Serena doesnt know, is absolutely KILLING me. Like was it childhood memories? Was it sandcastles? Was it the moment she first fell for her? Or was it some random thing none of us even thought of as being important until now? That would be an interesting butterfly effect to think about cause some things we think are inconsequential and dumb can sometimes save the world. It would be spicy if we lost stuff from the nobleheart au where they met before the tadpole business, cause that was formative and a turning point for Serena, and if thats gone then neither of them will really know cause it was lost to Shadowheart years ago. At the very least I’m happy she remembers who she loves :)

Looking forward to seeing the aftermath and recovery from these two ❤️❤️❤️😊

Omg 😭🥰 getting to open this made me feel like a kid on Christmas lol so firstly, thank you for reading and making the effort to come on over and share your thoughts!!! ❤️ it’s always appreciated!!!

Onto the subject at hand 👀

Firstly!! I’m so glad you liked it! I’ve said it a billion times but writing action is like my least favorite thing ever so I’m glad you could like…understand it 😅

Yeah…Shar sucks 💀 I think she understood Serena’s deepest fears and utilized them well. Poor Shadowheart didn’t know what to do in that moment except…be there for her. even though her life was on the line. (Wyll is the MVP for taking that shot in the dark- literally!!!). Serena is going to have a very hard time coming to terms with that. She almost hurt her baby 🥺She’s livid that she was compromised and in a position to harm Shadowheart, Shadowheart is livid that Serena was dragged into this mess bc of her… they have some coping/healing to do. They both sorta just lived out part of their worst nightmares. But…give it time. They’ll grow from this.

Nocturne is a good bean 🥹💕 no way in hell I was gonna let her rot in the side-cloister lmao. I think she’d fit in well with the Harpers. I do think she loves Shadowheart- to an extent. Maybe not like full blown romance but she definitely had feelings for her growing up and I think she’s still kinda weak about her. She was super gentle with Serena because she recognized her, too. So this was nice because Nocturne got to repay Shads, and she’s free to pursue her own life now, outside the cloister. That love for Shadowheart will always be there 🥰 now Shadowheart can check in on her and make sure she’ll thrive!

Yeah…tricky thing, memories 😅 you’ll find out what she’s lost in the next chapter, and probably over the course of several more. I had to take away enough to be meaningful, but also refrain from leaving her with no memories- because she’s still clearly in love with Shadowheart, remembers her mother, etc. you take too much away, and that changes. So I had to balance it out a bit lmao.

Certain things, potentially even people who were important to Serena, are really gone, though. Just luck of the draw with whatever memories were at the forefront of her mind when she was getting wiped, I suppose. You have to admire the way she fought to cling to every last memory of Shadowheart, though 🥺💕

But they’re safe and sound now 🥰 and the healing can begin! I hope you enjoy what’s to come!!! (I heard there’s a wedding around the corner lmao) thank you so much for reading and sharing these incredibly kind words!!!

[rin-and-jade]

Helloo!!! <3 I hope this message finds you well and that you'll have a wonderful day/ evening :)

So. First of all I am really grateful for your blog because I managed to understand some things about my problems.. also I should say first that im only suspecting I might have did or osdd 1b and im trying not to exaggerate about this self diagnosing thing and taking it slow (its almost a year since then and I think this diagnose describes exactly my struggles) but anyways. im pretty sure I have cptsd! so it might be just ptsd...

But I wanted to ask you bc I just dont know who else to ask this: are there any particular techniques to minimize trauma regarding learning or studying? (like I was receiving physical beatings for fucking years.. because I couldn't concentrate while trying to study- sorry for the unnecesary details) im really trying my best and sometimes I try to speak to the little of our system about the whole process of studying and how its not going to hurt her, that mistaking is very normal and from mistakes we will gather experience and that our abuser cannot do us harm anymore, so on and so on. It works mostly but she's not the only one who has problems regarding this specific trauma so its a lot harder to keep up with everyone wlse who might be triggered. I can't always hear them responding to me or giving me any sign of anknowledgment when trying to explain what is happening but the hardest part is concentrating and not feeling extremely tired... it goes without saying that this is very frustrating. And its been already two years since I tried my best to study. I just always seem to fall in the same pit..

I hope it makes sense what i've written here and if you dont have any advice then its totally fine!!!

P.S. this is not my native language. sorry :'D

Im so sorry that you’re having a really hard time around the aspect of studying, it makes me happy that you’re still kicking and trying,, asking help from me is totally fine even if you’ll need it multiple times, im gladly creating answers that could work for people and you.

I had gave a thought, we can do a few things like having exposure therapy (the technique), having a study buddy, and for the concentration such as using a different learning media, breaking it smaller with breaks each, and using more techniques for this too.

Regarding about study difficulty:

Exposure: this is a repeated process where your brain is given something it used to find as dangerous from the past and be stuck on a flight or fight response whenever it appears again. Be repetitively exposing what it fears, the brain always expects a bad outcome, and the thing is to ride it through until it knows it’s a false alarm and go “oh wait its not happening” until the initial stress from it is gone, this can be done by yourself (because i did). This is best done in a calm environment where you will attempt this, and call quits if its overwhelming for the first few tries,, but never drop it forever.

Study buddy: this is a great way to deal with it when studying alone feels too tedious to do. Studying together is helpful as your brain can re-associate what studying is actually like, you can do this with your current friends, it can be done physically or you can do it by online too.

For better concentration:

Media: studying about a topic that is presented in a video with visual representation keeps your eyes wondering less, since more elements are in there rather than reading a textbook, where it’s easy to drift off when words feel too much.

Breaks: studying in a prolonged time also defeats the motivation and focus, I personally study for test as i play (literally), in intervals. I review the necessary subjects in parts, rehearse, play, go back and revise what i remember and the previous one too,, rinse and repeat until i can remember the whole topic that needs to be memorized for the test. But this can be applied for regular learning where it’s just done in consistent intervals.

Others:

Destressing, it helps remove unnecessary clutter that’s taking space in your mind interfering focus.

Music, adding a background noise while studying may help some people and especially who needs sensory stimulation to focus properly.

Rewards, having a goal to reach to will make you easier to focus, and when you reach it (say 5 minutes of reading then want to watch a reel) your brain loves it. Then do it again.

I hope this can help you, this took a while to write everything so i don’t know what else haven’t got listed (because I can’t remember all at once) but nonetheless, try them, i insist!

- j

[autismvampyre]

i dont wanna go to school anymore

im getting fucking bullied. and not "gice me your lunch money" but teenage girl bullied. the kind where they're nice to me when others are around but talk shit behind my back and purposely exclude me and isolate me from the majority. im two years older than everyone so idk if its bc of that or just cause ive always generally been an easy target but it sucks

everyone loves them. theyre the popular girls, fucking way higher status than me. i will never be believed over them, never be considered before they are; before anyone is. people make plans in front of me where they invite everyone but me and i fucking take it because this was always normal to me but now i have absolutely no one on my side. its like the whole school turned against me

im so alone. im so isolated and targeted and the teachers try to help but fuck me they have no pull. no one will listen. no one will stop. im stuck here til graduation. im stuck and all my favorite classes require groups to promote "working together" and fucking everything i say is shut down immediately every time because i'll never be as fucking important as fucking rebecca.

im smart. i have good ideas. i know im too much sometimes but i think im an okay friend when im not depressed. i just wish i got a chance, just for once. i wish i could be included.

[worldofgoo]

yayayay yippee (≧◡≦) i love how vibrant & lively your art is, i think my fav pieces are Horse Surgery & hanyuu (even tho i have no idea who that is) but that one wip with the rainbow is also v ery special 2me because it reminds me of my fav kind of weather ^_^ generic Which Program Do You Use question & also which programs have you tried so far? which one would you recommend for someone whose only experience so far wiht digital art has been scribbling in ms paint -_-? on topic, what do you draw with (mouse, phone, drawing tablet, ??) & was it easy for you to get used to digital art? i always get overwhelmed by the amound of different functions available so im not sure where to even start, any advice? which physical art forms do you like / would you like to learn (anything at all, i personally have been getting into air dry clay... well actually ive been using my sisters playdoh but maybe ill purchase smthn fancier :3) & final question how do you come up with poses to draw? your characters (+creatures) seem very animated and i really like that :)

HI okay i guess ill answer these in a list. actually will put it under the cut since i ended up saying a lot (and dw i enjoy being able to talk a lot so thank you!)

-THANK YOU im glad some of my more recent works (in my more current style) are appealing 2 people! like i wanna draw my own way even though i think it gets less notes... the higurashi fanarts (hanyuu and shion) r very memorable pieces to me because its when i started doing the loose sketches with the thin lines and block colors and thats the direction i reallyreally wanted to take my style in. also the rainbow is rian my friend rian

-i draw in paint tool sai! the only program i used before that was sketchbook pro, which i didnt like because the brushes were kind of... blurry/smudgy? sai allows you to zoom in and draw pixel by pixel which is something i like, and i like the way it does its blending. its also just easier for me to understand. i didnt pay for it i think i found some deviantart page that had the link, id have to find it again

-i draw with a wacom intuos tablet! its lasted me... almost 10 years now. ive heard newer ones are poorer quality in terms of at least the nibs needing to be replaced constantly, so idk what the most recommended tablet these days is. ive drawn with my mouse and tbh it caused awful hand pain so i would not recommend this. i draw on my phone with my finger sometimes but i find doing it on my laptop easier, however it is doable once you get used to it

-the way i got into digital art... well. i still have an archive of my earliest art if you wanna see! i was 14 n just drew random shit, often lining over doodles i did on paper and coloring them in. i think esp if youre overwhelmed start with making like throwaway experimental pieces, scribble around, doodle stupid things and color them in with different brushes and see what you enjoy. and then you can just keep the files to yourself if they dont look too good or maybe itll look interesting, it depends i guess haha. the other thing that ive always found helped me was telling myself id draw every day even if it was a little scribble or the tiniest amount of work on a wip bc getting a habit going helped my art a Lot beause it helped me spend more time thinking n focusing on it

more specific advice for sai that i found useful- using clipping groups & the preserve opacity functions are both lifesavers in terms of not spending so much time trying to color in the lines. if you color in a base layer you can just put everything above it as a clipping group and just not worry about it anymore. i also really like using the filters (like multiply) to mess around with the colors a drawing has, though sometimes its more effective to just select a layer/individual color and fuck with the hue/saturation/etc until it looks good. when i color, esp when its not turning out how i wanted to, i rely on shifting colors A LOT. n also mixing colors together using a blending brush and then colorpicking the intermediate color. very useful

-for the most part i stick to uncolored pencil doodles on like, notebook paper (even though i have some fancy supplies X[ one day) but i LOVE making things with clay, wish it was more accessible to do at home. i have a handful of clay animal statues and stuff that i made in my ceramics class in high school. would looove to do more

-because my poses tend to be very pushed/cartoony using references of real people isnt always useful (though obv knowing the basics of anatomy always helps) so in those cases ill use other cartoony art i like as inspiration, i try to see what i like about their poses nd emulate that with my own. sometimes when im struggling ill just do a bunch of studies where i copy art i like to try to get a feel for what im missing. mostly ive realized i like when the pose conveys some level of like, volume and taking up a 3D space (which im still definitely not a master of but bullshitting it can be fun). and i also like to have a balance of curved and angular shapes. sometimes i try to just do a pose that conveys a specific emotion or i just make shit up lol

alsooooo i cant reccomend aimless doodling enough! just random shapes, turning the random shapes into creatures, trying and trying and trying different ways to draw something until you like it, i feel like the things my hand makes when i shut my brain off and just scribble can inspire me as well, and i try to emulate whatever i made by chance while doodling. and if your doodles turn out better in traditional i tend to consider using a photo of a drawing as a way to skip the "preliminary sketch" phase nd drawing a rough sketch over that which i then use for my drawing (or just directly color since i draw very fast/lazy...)

[dreamteamecho]

slightly unhinged dream journal entry. note that i have zero idea how anything christan works & my mind made something random up. entry under the cut.

smth about lens and a cool animatied logo sign with a underwater wave effect and a soundwave like effect on the sides. we needed more for the tip but because i was in early-medium stages of passing the sisterhood that was going around wouldnt help me so i got the other person to help but then they said that they didnt give money. so instead they played music and me n friend danced and we got enough money (like 5 bicks) to cover the tip we wanted to do. and the music definitely wasnt bc of the nuns. definitely. wink wink. apparently the 3 were a legendary sisterhood and they wore plague doctor outfits. they said the general sisterhood would never take me in, as i was a traitor to them. i understood. also sisterhoods in this dream could either be the general one that consists of all sisters or a small group of nuns, usually 3, that goes around spreading kindness to those in need.

later on i showed up to their church to give them food donations. one of them appeared and they could read minds. she said id do great things or maybe that was said at the store. she asked me to accept a quest where i had to infiltrate their brotherhood as corruption had seeped into it. she said the info would transcend my amnesia. she drew a plus on my palm with her finger, seemingly absentmindedly. later that day i went to school and a girl saw a glowing white plus symbol on my hand, but no one else did, not even me. i of course took her to the 3 nuns since i had no idea what else to do + it felt right. they said shed do even greater things than i would- and after some back n forth between me and my system- they clarified that yes sometimes things were about me. i think they were trying to beat the grandiose out of me. anyhow i think i ended up sticking to her later on idrk.

a couple days later they took me to the preacher who ran the brotherhood. he was a sweet guy, but not as seemingly all knowing or magical as the 3 sisters were. at least not in the same way. they convinced us not to use a deeper voice and just my regular voice and his response was almost exactly the same as if we were a regular guy. the plot thread kinda dropped there but it was a multiday thing. i think their line of thinking was that a barely passing trans man, that was very autistic, kind, short, and a system, makes for a really easy target. like a really fucking easy one.

later, i had to pledge loyalty to them. i didnt have to but i felt i needed to. morse really badly wanted to say to everything immediately (down bad) but i had to ask what constitutes as loyalty, and what constitutes as sisters. she told me, i think nep said sorry (about morse) a few times in our mind. yknow i think this is the first dream where we're actually a system. huh. amyways so then she promises me (us) that she'll lead me to a girl thats everything we ever wanted. i asked if thats what we needed & i dont remember her response but i figured it was a learning experience to see what were truly wants and what were needs. she tells me to go to an address at a specific time and itll work out. i do that, i get her as a girlfriend but a couple months down the line, she gets selfdestructive. her ex comes over, she seems scared i give her the bat & i take the gun. she goes into the room and im by the front door, i tell the ex to leave, i get a glimpse of her about to attack me in the window and i dodge out of the way. i stjll get a bruise on the chin but its not bad. we do a back and forth, she raises the bat again, i hit her arm with the gun and knock it out of her hand, she leaves. i knew that the relationship was starting to sour just not this badly. as tried to sort through my ego enough to try and figure out where i mightve done wrong to her (which wouldve been a spiral ngl) theres 3 different sisters at the door asking for donations. i didnt really have any surplus so i asked them if they could go after the now ex gf since she was displaying what i knew was self destructive behavior. they do that the ending is vague idk, i get the feeling that i should stay working with the girl who saw the glowing plus sign, as im working with her. i think its accepted that shes what i need and not necessarily what i want.

----earlier:

i think we also started a webcomic that was just indulgent for us. no real story. i domt really remember the very thin plotline we had done so far, i just remember that at some point there were landscape panels that some of us didnt remember doing. like we did it but some of us blacked out or smth. it was based off that frutiger aero sleeping beauty landscape we did a bit back. but more muted and storybook like. i think it started turning more homestuck-like, instead of just image with caption/what theyre saying that couldve technically fit into the panel. we mostly put it online just because it was interesting. it was like the origins of some people or something? idrk. we had a date for what day it was in comic (in the 1930s?) but then also what date i posted. the landscapes were the wrong irl dates (they kept putting 2026/2027 instead of 2025), someone was puzzled in the comic comments and i was too because i think i greyed out the date thing or something.

idk ill come back to thinking about comics later. maybe ill put three comic pages in my neocities or something. like links to the main, short & indulgent comics. ofc as a wip.

[salaciousslut]

"nothing too special" nuh-uh! Very special, amazing even<3 you dont gotta pretend you arent a big deal around me, sweetheart. I already know you are<3

You can take your time with lowering your walls with me thats ok! Esp since uhhm i got an aries moon🫣 i'm a super passionate person, so i worry im over doing it sometimes bc its so easy for me to over do it. So if i ever come off too strong, dont be afraid to let me know. I wanna make sure im respecting your boundaries<33

I know youre fun to be around when yall go out, like its not fair i cant invite you out to places and hang out, like i love love love going out for the sake of doing something with the people you care about!

The artist is kid cudi 🫣 ive been real into his music for idk like 13?? years now if im thinking about it bc i got into his music around 2011 like everyone else who heard Day n Nite on the radio. It would be fun to have you there though!

School's a lot of work so i dont blame you for being stressed, i just wish i could help take away some of that stress. And good! Pretty things like you should be taken care of, so its a shame you gotta take care of yourself.

Wait thats so funny 🤭 also same i feel like if i ever wake up and take a shot i should pack it up and quit drinking. Like ive seen that be what fucked over some of the people in my life so im strict about how much i drink when i drink. I'll probably (hopefully) stay a light weight for a while with how i drink too. And i hope you have fun when you do!! Take a shot in my honor tomorrow night?🤭 and you get it!! Like the thing i want to do/consume can be literally right there 1ft away from me and i'll just be like "wow that would be fun to do" and then just sit there in front of it for the rest of the night like??? Just do the thing! 🙄 its soooo unfair 😔

stopppp you flatter me!!

of course!! communication is the biggest thing for me because i know people cant read minds so i try my best to communicate how i feel with others!! ill always tell you how i feel and you have to promise that you will too okay?? especially bc sometimes i gently bully the people i care about so i never want to cross any boundaries

oooh ive listened to a few of his songs too hehe!! i hope you have fun and drink in his honor!! i had no clue he was 40 tho thats crazy

youre doing a p good job at taking the stress away! i come on and i see you in my inbox and im a lil less stressed hehe!! but also i very used to taking care of myself so itll be an adjustment to have someone care for me

yes of course ill take a few shots in your honor hehehe!!! maybe a few margs, we will see where im going tomorrow!!

[pumpkinsy0]

Ahaha guess who isn’t coping well rn? Me!

Context: today my period came and now I feel all nauseous and sad. But I solider on and went to do some shopping for some food. Issue? my dad also had like a bad day cause of his meeting. So when he found out I didn’t get his like alcohol he got mad. Not like SUPER mad more like passive aggressive mad??

I feel TERRIBLE because I made his day worse. But I’m also just sad right now. I love my dad so much but I feel like sometimes he just CAN’T be there for me. I can’t always ask for loving because he’ll think I’m being weird or needy. Or when I have a bad day, he’s also having a bad day. So I need to suck it up and act fine cause HE needs to let his feelings out. And I just- I just want my dad. I want him to hug him, I want to not have to earn his love, I just— I want him to stop being angry.

SORRY!! I’m venting majorly hard rn and that’s silly and stupid. But I was hoping you could do HC’s of this for one of the Curtis Gang Members. Maybe how that character would handle this. Maybe they’ll have better luck then me.

hey anon!!! im sorry to hear what ur goin through, u dont deserve it, so dont beat urself up!!! ur living ur own life and u shouldnt feel ashamed that u couldnt help someone else live theirs, plus bad day or not, no matter what it doesnt give someone the right to treat u poorly, its not ur fault!!! not even in the slightest!!!! ur sick on too of that, if ur dad cant show some compassion for that, hes the problem

BUT ITS OK!! its not silly or stupid, ur perfectly fine!!!

w all that said letsssss go w fem two bit w her dad here!! (yes this is genderswapped, but lets just say for this sake, twos dad and mom r the same and didnt swap genders)

•two loves her dad, which she knows is pretty odd considering hes one of the biggest con man she knows and even cons her sometimes but she just cannot help it no matter how many times shes mad at him

•two constantly feels like she needs to prove herself to him in order to get him to say “atta girl”, and in a twisted way, she really does but not really???

•two dad doesnt love her completely, but he does love her to a certain extent, he mostly loves what he can do FOR him and to a smaller extent loves her for her, thats guaranteed

•ANYWAYS, two’s sick and her dad got back home from this one con he tried doing that absolutely fucking busted, he got home and he was already annoyed, anything could set him off

•now he had this other thing planned, what was it??? till this day two doesnt know, BUT he told her to steal something for him, only problem is, she didnt get the right one, and she thought he would at least commend her for getting it, bc it was no easy feat, but she showed it to him, and he didnt go off on her, but she did see a look of disappointment and anger before he up and left to go to the couch, which made her feel worse

•for a good while, when he saw her around the house, he would make a comment about something she did, and it got to a point where two just couldnt take it and locked herself in her room till her mom came home late at night from work, just to avoid seeing him

•two mom HATES them hanging out the way they do and can always tell when something happened so when she sees twos dad at the table drinking and grumbling and twos door locked, she knows whats up and tries comforting two but it doesnt work, twos just beating herself up, so twos mom goes to her dad

•all two heard was yelling, it wasnt for long, maybe for 10 mins, but she ended up going to sleep to escape, she was just tired, hungry, and thirsty

•next day, he dad took her out, but it was so weird, bc its one of the only times hes seen him be hesitant near her, well with anyone really

•he drove her around town for a bit trying to make conversation, but failing miserably, and two knew he was trying to apologize, horrendously and in his own way, but he was trying, and to her that felt like enough, felt like a lot actually

[khodorkovskaya]

I wanna be someone who's really easy to talk to and that and to have conversations with etc but then I'm also like??? Idk I feel like I am easy to talk to because anyone can literally say anything to me and I'm not fussed I'm ready to converse, wanna talk about eggs? Go ahead that's eggcellant. Wanna chat shit about guys/girls? I'm all ears and will offer support and jokes. Wanna talk about dinosaurs? FUCK YES IM READY FOR THAT. Literally anything goes but I rarely have convos with people and I'm like??? Is it a bible I give off???

Also sometimes I feel like I'm the issue because I could literally message anyone all day about random shit and anything that happens during the day etc but a lot of people dont seem to like that?? And I'm like ok calm down dont overwhelm someone, and I'm like dont send messages if they're not wanted etc etc etc..... and if replies are slow etc I'm like ohhhh maybe they dont wanna talk or have all these messages a lot so something I dont message people if that makes sense??? And idk if that makes people thinkni dont wanna talk but I really really do

Anyway I think I've lost the trail of this point I'm making but basically I just wish I was good at making and having conversations etc and didnt feel awkward everytime I try to have them lmao

yeah i get what you're saying. idk about you but for me i feel like substance is a big issue when it comes to conversation. like if it's small talk or something silly, im really easy to talk to. but once there's more substance and the conversation is a little deeper, i just like never have anything to say. i think it's bc i spent most of my formative years just like not thinking or questioning myself. or at least not questioning myself on the topics normal people question themselves on. like the part of my brain that's supposed to produce independent thoughts is like severely underdeveloped idk.

like for example i love talking to my zurich friend because he always has some gossip going on, but then we get to a different topic and im like 😐. like the last time we talked he brought up death and i just like had no idea what to say and it was awkward. bc in small talk or dinosaur talk or whatever you can just nod and laugh. but when it comes to something serious likeee. so yeah i haven't messaged him since and it's been like 2 weeks at least.

and i feel like it's the same as like doing sports/after school activities as a kid. like i have hyperhidrosis and when i was a kid i was like super insecure about it cos things would always stick to my hands cos im sweaty all the time. so id just like not touch things and avoid doing any kinds of activities where i had to use my hands. and now as an adult im super clumsy. like i have no coordination when it comes to my hands, i can't open things, i can't hold things properly. and i think it's bc i didn't use my hands enough as a kid. however, my parents put me into music school when i was little so now as an adult im above average when it comes to like being in tune with things, hearing things other people don't hear, etc.

and conversation is the same way. like no one really forced me to think that much as a kid or a teen. so now im an adult with two braincells, you know? but it comes with practice. like ever since my breakup ive been forcing myself to think and it's been really great so far. ive made a lot of progress and im so much more aware of what's happening around me now. and it shows in conversation too! like now i actually have a couple of opinions, can you believe that?! im slowly starting to become an interesting person.

so back to what you're saying, finding people who are able to have conversations is already hard to begin with. like some people are just like how i was up until recently, no thoughts, head empty. and it's no use trying to start a conversation with them.

whereas in other cases, maybe you're just not that interesting to talk to. and that takes a lot of work to fix. i haven't figured it out myself yet, so i can't help you. but i think getting in touch with yourself and your values and your interests really helps.

and yeah sometimes people's vibes just like don't vibe with other people's. maybe you give off a strange vibe? again, no idea how to fix that. ive definitely had my fair share of weird stares when i come up to talk to people. it's probably like pheromones or something idk.

[sillyandquiteawkward]

Do u have any hcs about the Emeritus brothers growing up together?

i think primo took care of the others the most. of course nihil was There for most of the physical care, but i think they trusted him more than they could trust their father with Emotions or Issues

primos hair gets really thin from stress so he just shaves it by the time hes 30. secondo really admires primo so eventually he starts shaving his head as well despite no sign of thin hair.

i like when copia is also Just There being an "orphan" under sisters wing. her little protege. an out of place fellow kid. and all the other boys hate him <3 even primo doesnt trust him. hell rat them out to sister at he drop of a hat for a cheek pinch and a good job.

i think secondo as a little kid was the charmer thatd get the older sisters of sin to keep him with them in the ac while he was supposed to be doing like chores outside or like. school. hes just soooo cute and a charming little man they cant resist when he asks to sit and chat. tells them how pretty they are, etc

terzo has the best grades out of the bunch even primos surpised by the little genius. of course this leads to gifted kid syndrome down the line </3 hes always been a smartass but his steadily worsening grades makes him lean further into being a class clown type

secondo and terzo beat each other up a lot. sometimes copia is an unwilling third party and gets teamed up on. primo has learned he cant get inbetween them or theyll pounce on him too. copia has not learned this.

terzo always insitgates the fights but secondo always throws the first punch. hes so easy to rile up and terzo thinks thats fun to mess with. nihil alway tells secondo off the most but before terzo thinks hes got off scotch free theyll both get punished together for fighting.

still on fighting when copia gets beat up the other brothers tell him not to squeal to sister about it. this never works and sister fucking GETS them everytime.

when they eat together they take and give food to each other that they dont like/like. like oh everyone will give their brocolli to primo bc he like it and hell give them his onion rings or something etc. theres trades going around like you can have my garlic bread if you pass over your brownie. those sorts of things. there is peace and democracy when food is involved

[jcwriting]

Written in the Stars

summary ↬ being soulmates with a werewolf? pretty easy. being jungkook’s soulmate? the easiest thing in the world. there’s only one teensy tiny problem. he doesn’t want to fuck you.

pairing ↬ werewolf!jungkook x reader

genre ↬ soulmate!au, abo verse, fluff, angst, hurt/comfort (this is so fucking dramatic and for what)

word count ↬ 10.4k my hand slipped

warnings ↬ swearing, angst (but with a happy ending bc im a sappy bitch), jk is stupid in love (emphasis on stupid), mentions of violence (very brief and i don’t go into too much detail but just to warn yall), slight nsfw (sex is a big topic for like half of this but not sex is had...i know im shocked too), half of this is background info/setting up the story the other half is finally addressing the summary lolol, jk is kind of an asshole but he has reasons!!!!!

authors note ↬ hello lovelies! here’s a small little thing for you all (laughs in 10k word count). this has been sitting in my drafts for fucking ever and i just needed to get it out there and out of my hands. im thinking about writing a part two where the actual ~*/sex/*~ is had but im still on the fence about that. please let me know what you think! i literally crave your interactions so pls dont be shy,,,,,okay love you bye :)

(ps i was so close to naming this Rewrite the Stars but since this has absolutely nothing to do with The Greatest Showman i didn’t. but i was close,,,,so fucking close)

You always knew Jeon Jungkook was destined for great things.

It was written in the stars, your mother had told you after he had first stepped foot into your family-owned grocery store. Your mother didn’t have any special powers, she just had a thing for astrology. While you normally shrugged off her random proclamations about divine intervention and planetary alignments, you found that Jungkook was something you couldn’t ignore or chalk up as your mother’s latest tea leaf reading.

From the moment you set eyes on him you knew he was different. While your family held zero claim to any sort of mystical or magical inclinations, you were well aware of those who did. It was no secret that non-humans roamed the Earth in plain sight, even though it had taken humans eons to realize this. After years of savage wars and civil unrest, agreements had come into place and governing bodies were adjusted to accept the changes that had finally been made. But, this was all before your time. You were the generation that was born into the period of peace, the first children to not experience bloodshed before they could walk. The world you knew now was almost a complete one-eighty of what it had been.

Where before those who were not of human blood had to do everything they could to blend in, now could be free of the shadows. Your classrooms had both humans and non-humans in their rosters. Some of your teachers were hybrids. Curriculum expanded to teach humans about a world that had once been entirely unknown to them. One of your favorite teachers was a witch who regaled your tenth grade class with stories of goblin wars, wizard duels, and vampire covens. All tales that you had once thought were nothing but fiction were now anything but.

Which is why, the second Jeon Jungkook entered the grocery store that your parents owned and that you had worked at since you were old enough to speak in full sentences, you knew who he was. You didn’t even question it.

He was a werewolf. A powerful one. You could see it in the way he carried himself. The purposeful strides he took down the narrow aisles, the confidence in his broad shoulders. Humans weren’t nearly as sensitive as their hybrid counterparts but you also paid attention in your classes. Or, perhaps you were more aware than other humans. Never in your life did you have the issues other faced when meeting a non-human for the first time. You always knew who they were without them having to tell you. You just knew.

So, when Jeon Jungkook stepped up to your register with a bottle of water and some raw beef, you didn’t flinch. Didn’t bend under his dark gaze or shuffle your feet in an awkward attempt to break the silence. Instead, you flashed him your customer service smile and rang up his items. He didn’t say a word as he paid, barely sparing you a second glance as he strode out of the store.

“He’s going to be a great and powerful man,” your mother said in that feathery light voice of hers. “It was written in the stars.”

You couldn’t help but agree.

Jeon Jungkook came into your store everyday for the next month. He bought the same thing every time. A bottle of water and a package of raw beef. The only time he spared you any words was to say thank you or the occasional hello if the sun was shining. Usually, he was alone. Sometimes, he came with a few members of his pack. You liked those days. He smiled a little brighter and talked a little louder when they were around. Especially around Taehyung.

Then, after a month, he didn’t come in. Not for an entire week. From Monday to Sunday, you hadn’t seen a hide nor hair of him. A part of you was worried, so worried that you almost stopped Taehyung in the middle of the street to ask of Jungkook’s whereabouts before realizing how insane that made you look, the other part was chastising yourself for caring. Jeon Jungkook was a customer. Nothing more, nothing less.

The following Monday had come and you had finally stopped glancing at the sliding doors every five minutes. You no longer expected his commanding presence to rock your little world. Instead, you continued your day as if it had been any other. That was, until, Jeon Jungkook stepped through the entrance looking as if he was walking on air. It didn’t take a genius to figure out why.

“Did you have a good heat?” You asked when he stepped up to your register. Jungkook fumbled the water bottle he had been setting onto the conveyer belt before turning to stare at you.

“What did you just say?”

You didn’t shrink under his intense glare. “I was asking if you enjoyed your heat. Seems like you did.”

“How do you know I was in my rut?”

“Oh, is rut the correct terminology? Sorry, they always interchanged them in class, I was never sure what was appropriate.” You shrugged and rang up his items. “It was kind of obvious, though. You seemed pretty agitated about a week-and-a-half ago, then you disappear for a week, and now you’re back looking happier than ever. If it wasn’t your rut then I want to know where you went on vacation because that’s where I’m heading to next.”

Jungkook laughed. That almost made you jump out of your skin. You had never heard him laugh before. It was throaty, it was deep, and it was wonderful. “I’ll be sure to send you the link to the Airbnb.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?”

He smirked. “I’m here every day, aren’t I?”

You tilted your head as you accepted the cash he handed to you. “Clearly, you’re not that reliable.”

Jungkook laughed again. It was becoming your new favorite sound. “My apologies. I didn’t mean to appear flaky.”

“You’re forgiven,” you decided as you handed him the plastic bag of his purchases. Teasingly, you added, “just make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

He flashed you a smile that showed off his sharpened canines. “Don’t worry, darling. I never make the same mistake twice.”

Jeon Jungkook kept his promise. He showed up everyday, like clockwork. Bought the same thing. Arrived at the same time. The only thing that changed was how he treated you. It wasn’t that he treated you badly before, he had always been polite. But now, he talked to you. He asked you questions and answered yours. More often than not, he laughed.

(It had become your favorite sound.)

For three months, this continued. The two of you had settled into a comfortable routine, something you relied on and expected. Until, he changed that.

Until, Jeon Jungkook asked you out on a date.

“What did you just say?”

“Are you free? Tonight?” You glanced around, almost expecting to see some sort of supermodel posing behind you to explain the absolute absurdity of the situation. “What are you doing?”

“Looking for the hidden cameras. I think I’m getting Punk’d.”

Jungkook sighed and placed both hands on the counter that separated the two of you. “Look at me.” You did. Slowly and warily, but you did. “Does it look like I’m lying to you?”

Narrowing your eyes, you regarded him carefully. He seemed serious. But, then again, do you ever really know someone? “I don’t know. I’ve never actually seen you lie before so I wouldn’t know the difference.”

“Fine. Ask me what color my shirt is.”

“What color is your shirt?”

“White,” he deadpanned. You glanced down at his chest. His shirt was black.

“Jungkook!”

He threw his head back and released a full bellied laugh. Even in your exasperation you couldn’t help but soften a little. “I’m sorry, darling. I couldn’t help myself.” Annoyed, you huffed and spun to face the cash register. Stabbing your finger onto the touchscreen, you ignored Jungkook’s obvious presence on the opposite side of the counter. Until his hand reached around the card reader and grasped a hold of your chin. The warmth of his fingers forced your head to turn to meet his.

“Come to dinner with me.” His voice was nothing but a rumble in his chest, his eyes so black and all-consuming you couldn’t do anything but agree with him. He seemed pleased by your response as his fingers tightened against your skin and a grateful smile flicked past his lips. His gaze darted down to your mouth and your breath froze in your chest.

“Are you going to kiss me?”

Jungkook raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to?”

“No.” You tried to shake your head but his grip didn’t allow you much movement. He was taken aback by your answer, a small frown tugging at his mouth. You quickly backtracked to fix the situation. “I don’t want our first kiss to be in a grocery store. That’s a new low that I refuse to reach.”

Jungkook chuckled and tapped your chin gently. “Alright, darling. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

Again, he kept his promise to you. He showed up at your parents house exactly at seven, wearing a button-down shirt and slacks. The tulips he had gotten for you was thrust into your hands the moment you opened the door. Flashing him a genuine smile, you hurried into the kitchen to set them in water while your mother grilled him on his birth time. You were quick to drag him away, practically throwing him towards the car as you waved goodbye.

“Sorry,” you sighed as Jungkook opened the passenger door for you. “She has a…thing for astrology. She’s probably creating your star map or whatever right now.”

“It’s okay,” he responded once he got into the drivers seat. “It’s sweet of her to care.”

You snorted. “She’s delusional is what she is.”

“So, you’re saying you don’t believe in astrology?”

“Do you?”

Jungkook shrugged as he pulled out of your dirt driveway. He looked so damn attractive behind the wheel it was honestly unfair. “Not really saying I do or don’t. All I know is that there are a lot of things out there that are out of our control. If believing in the stars and planets helps you gain some of that control back, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

“God, don’t talk like that in front of my mother. She’ll want to start dating you.”

He grinned and placed a hand on your knee. “Tell her I’m already taken.”

You didn’t get a chance to respond to that. Not that he didn’t give you one, it was just that you literally had nothing to say. With just one sentence he opened the floodgates of your brain and the amount of thoughts that were flying through your conscious was painful. Anxiety fluttered in your stomach and you pressed your lips together to keep you from word vomiting onto him. No, it was better to keep your mouth shut and let the moment pass.

By the time you reached the restaurant you were a trembling mess of nerves. Were you guys dating? You thought this was just a ‘testing the waters’ date, not a ‘you’re my girlfriend now’ date. Did you have to make it Facebook official? You hated that shit.

Jungkook didn’t comment on your obvious distress, though. He merely placed a hand on the small of your back, ignoring how you jerked in surprise, and led you into the quiet bistro. Nodding politely to the hostess who was practically panting at the sight of him (you honestly couldn’t blame her) and pulled out your chair for you. When he sat down, he started talking. Idle chat at first. Commenting on one of the dishes, asking about the college classes you were taking at your local university. Before you realized it, wine was in your glass and your shoulders were loose. Previous nerves forgotten, you lost yourself in Jungkook. You drank, you ate, you laughed, and genuinely enjoyed his company. Honestly, it was the best date you’d ever been on.

“I have to be honest with you,” Jungkook spoke after he finished his raw steak. “I have an ulterior motive for asking you here tonight.”

“Oh,” you mumbled around the shrimp you had just tossed in your mouth. “So…this isn’t a date?”

“No, it is,” Jungkook clarified quickly around a dry chuckle. He seemed…nervous. It put you on edge immediately. “This is definitely a date. And, also, more.”

“More? What, is this a proposal too?” You were joking. A 100% joking. But Jungkook was staring at you so seriously it made you panic. “Jungkook, if you get down on one knee here I swear-”

“I’m not proposing,” he assured you. “This is something more than that.”

“More?” You parroted. Jungkook sighed.

“Do you know what a true mate is?”

Right there, in that quaint little bistro, on a date with quite possibly the most untouchable man you’d ever met, he explained how you were irrevocably his. His true mate, his soulmate.

Jungkook explained everything in great detail, which you appreciated, because honestly, you had no words. He explained how when he was born, the witch who cared for him told his father that his future glared brightly ahead of him, but only when he met his other half. True mates were rare. Mating was common, the wolves in his pack could have multiple mates or a lifelong one, but true mates were destiny. Someone or something out there had forged the two of you together. You were essentially each others other half. He was made for you and you were made for him.

“But…aren’t true mates only for wolves? I thought it’s impossible for a human to be a true mate,” you asked in a shaky voice once Jungkook took a breath.

“It was supposed to be impossible. Until, I met you.” Jungkook stared at you with a sort of reverence that made your entire body blush. “I have no idea how you are. I’ve spent hours researching. I’ve consulted with members of my pack and others. No one knows why.”

“Are you sure, though? I mean…what if you’re wrong?”

“I’m not.” Jungkook shook his head. “I visited the witch right after I met you. She took one look at me and told me that I had finally found my true mate. She said she’d never seen a future so bright before.”

You had no words for that. For the first time in your life, you were speechless. Jungkook seemed to understand. He let you sit in silence as he paid for the bill and walked you out to the car. The drive back to your parents house was the same. You couldn’t speak. The shock rendered you stupid.

By the time Jungkook pulled into the driveway you still hadn’t spoken a word to each other. You stepped out of the car before he could open the door for you. Walking up to the porch steps in a trance, you didn’t hear him follow you until he clasped your wrist in his hand. Turning to face him, you were surprised to see his brown eyes so big. They practically sparkled in the moonlight and he looked so soft and sweet you nearly melted into the wood beneath your feet.

“Please,” he whispered. “Can you…just - are you okay? You’ve been so quiet. I’m worried I’ve scared you off or something.”

With that voice, it was impossible to deny him. So, you said the first thing that popped in your head. “Do we have to make it Facebook official?”

Jungkook stared at you before bursting into laughter. “Really? That’s all you have to say?”

You blushed and glanced down. “I’m just worried, that’s all. I can’t remember my Facebook password so even if you wanted to change it I don’t think it’ll work.”

“So that’s why you never accepted my friend request,” Jungkook teased. Before you could squeak out a response, he wrapped his arms around your waist and tugged you forward. You kept your arms crossed across your chest but let yourself fall against him.

“Don’t make fun of me,” you whined as you buried your face into his shoulder. He smelled so good, a mixture of pine and spice. “My brain hasn’t worked since you told me I’m yours, so bear with me.”

Jungkook chuckled and gently swayed you from side to side. “Does that mean you’re okay with this? All of this?”

Sighing, you lifted your head up and stepped away from him. Jungkook was not impressed and pulled you back to him. Your heart swelled in your chest and you wrapped your arms around his neck in consolation. “Honestly? I haven’t really processed anything. You’ve had your whole life to come to terms with this. I just found out thirty minutes ago that I’m someone’s soulmate. It’s a lot to take in.”

Jungkook nodded as he tapped his fingers against your hips. “I know. It’s a lot…I’m a lot. I just want you to know that you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to be with me. I won’t-”

Now it was your turn to burst into laughter. You couldn’t believe those words had left his mouth. It was easily the most absurd thing you’d ever heard. “Jungkook, I want to make something very clear. I have no problem being your true mate. That’s not the issue here. Well, there really isn’t an issue. It’s just…hard to believe, I guess. I have to process that this is my new reality.”

“Really?” Jungkook perked up and looked so fucking cute you couldn’t help but cup his cheeks. His skin was so warm despite the cold autumn air that surrounded you both. “You want to do this? Be with me? Be mine?” All you could do was nod. You were so overwhelmed with emotions. The shock was evident, but a piece of you was so happy. You felt whole.

Jungkook’s face split into a wide smile that caused his nose to scrunch up. He wrapped his arms around your waist and spun you around. Squealing, you slung your legs around his hips and held on. Normally, you’d rather die than show this much affection to someone. But, this was Jungkook. Your soulmate.

“So…what do we do now?” You asked once Jungkook set you down. “Is there, like, a ceremony or something?”

“I have no idea,” he admitted as he stared down at you. He had a hand against your jaw and was rubbing your cheek tenderly. “I really didn’t think I’d get this far.”

You scoffed at his ridiculousness. While recognizing you were Jungkook’s true mate was going to take some time, believing that he thought you’d deny him was utter nonsense. “What if…what if we date, first?” You suggested timidly. “I know that sounds kind of weird considering we’re supposed to be the loves of each others lives. But, I don’t really know you all that well. And, I think this is going to take sometime for me to get used to. Maybe we should date, get to know each other, and just learn how to be with one another.”

“Whatever you want,” Jungkook agreed. “We can do whatever you want. Just as long as I have you, I’m happy.”

Two years passed.

Two blissful, wonderful years. Two years of dating, two years of loving, two years of being Jeon Jungkook’s. It was everything you could’ve asked for and more. You had never felt so loved and cherished in your entire life. He respected you, he took care of you, and most importantly, he was there for you in every sense. Since the moment you met him, you hadn’t been alone. He hadn’t let you. Jungkook knew you better than you knew yourself.

And, it was the same for him. You were there for him when he transitioned into the leader of his pack. You were there when he took over the CEO position from his father and encouraged and supported him every step of the way. You let yourself be loved and in return he let you love him. It was wonderful.

Except, for one tiny thing.

While the emotional aspect of your relationship flourished and bloomed into something beautiful, the physical side remained stagnant. Make out sessions and heavy petting were a norm in your relationship. At first, it didn’t bother you. In fact, you loved that Jungkook was taking things so slow and so seriously. But, eventually, your needs began to grow. You found yourself wanting him in more ways than one, wants that only he could satisfy. Jungkook refused. Every time.

It wasn’t like he refused your every need. No, Jungkook was extremely attentive. When it came to himself, that’s when things got dicy. He had no problem spending hours between your legs, worshipping you until you were crying from the overstimulation. Yet, he wouldn’t let you anywhere near him. Not without lack of trying on your part. The minute your hands went down to his waistband, he pushed you away. Every time you tried to dip your mouth to the obvious bulge in his pants, he lifted you up and kissed you breathless until you forgot your name. It wasn’t until after a year of dating that he finally let you grind on his clothed cock. Even then, he held off until you finished and then walked out with quite possibly the worst case of blue balls. You hated that he did this to himself. The worst part was, you couldn’t understand why.

The one time you had brought it up to him it had resulted in the worst fight the two of you had ever gotten into. It was the only argument that was never really resolved. After the yelling and the tears, all you got out of Jungkook was that mating with a wolf was not pretty. It was extremely dangerous and he refused to put you in that kind of danger. End of discussion. No matter how hard you tried to persuade him or broach the subject, he shut it down. Hard. Eventually, you gave up.

He even spent his ruts away from you. Every three months, he left you for a week. You knew he had a place somewhere up in the mountains and you assumed that’s where he went. You had no idea. There was no point even asking to come along. You loved your boyfriend and didn’t want to purposely give him a heart attack. You hated it when he left. As much as you tried to hide it and convince him that you were just fine, he wasn’t stupid. Being away from him was tough. A piece of you was missing whenever he was gone. And you were only whole again when he returned.

This past week had been one of those weeks. He had left on Sunday for the mountains. He was agitated and clingy, how he normally was pre-rut. Jungkook wouldn’t let you leave his side and you spent most of the weekend on his lap or wrapped in his arms. Not that you minded. When he left your parents house on Sunday night, you’d had to coax him out of the door. Promising him that you’d be okay and that you’d see him next week. It wasn’t until several kisses later did Jungkook finally leave.

While you’d been doing this for two years, it never got easier. More manageable? Sure. But definitely not easier. All you could do was go through the motions. You went to work at the local bakery, came home and helped your mom with dinner, watched TV with your dad before going to bed. Taehyung and Jimin would visit often, threatened by Jungkook to keep you company. While you assured them it wasn’t necessary, you secretly didn’t mind. They made you laugh and made you temporarily forget your boyfriend was miles away from you. Sometimes, if you were lucky, he’d call you to tell you goodnight. But those times were rare. Normally, you didn’t hear from him until Friday or Saturday when he was finally coming out of his rut and returning to the world.

By the time Sunday rolled around, you were a jittery ball of nerves. Not in a bad sense. You were just excited. The anticipation killed you and it took all of your willpower to sit and wait for his text to tell you to come over. Your parents always left you alone on these Sundays, unable to deal with your hyperactiveness and constant fidgeting.

This Sunday was no different. You puttered around your room for the better part of the day. You spent the other part in the kitchen, baking like your life depended on it. Jungkook loved your cookies and you always made sure to come over with at least three batches after his ruts. He always said that was his second favorite part about coming home, after seeing you, of course.

You had just finished packaging the final batch in a glass cookie jar when your phone dinged. You didn’t have to read the message, you knew exactly what it said. Pure joy rushed through your system as you threw on your coat and shouted a hasty goodbye to your parents. Juggling the cookies and car keys, you sprinted to your car. The drive to Jungkook’s was thankfully not long. About ten minutes, as long as you didn’t hit any traffic on the main road. Luck was on your side, though, and you showed up at Jungkook’s house in eight minutes.

Taehyung’s car was in the driveway when you pulled up, which wasn’t odd. Although Jungkook owned the house, the members of his pack were almost always around. While most preferred to travel in their wolf forms, you knew Taehyung and Namjoon preferred cars. Something about being able to listen to their own music without comments from the peanut gallery. You didn’t really understand and didn’t really need to. You had just chalked it up as one of their many quirks.

Carrying the trays of cookies in both hands, you shut your car door with your foot before speed-walking up the stone walkway to Jungkook’s home. The screen door was shut, but the wooden door was swung wide open. You had just reached for the metal handle when you heard it.

A deep, threatening growl ripped through the peaceful quiet and froze you in place. You knew it was Jungkook. While you had only heard it once, you’d never forgotten it. It was when the two of you had attended a party and an alpha from a neighboring pack had cornered you in the hallway. Jungkook had found you cowered against the wall as the other alpha had caged you in. The sound that had left his chest had given you equal parts comfort and fear. Comfort, because he was there and you knew you were safe. Fear, because you could see in the way he bared his teeth and how his muscles vibrated, he had been furious and bloodthirsty.

That’s what you felt now, fear.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

From your vantage point in front of the screen door, you could see directly into the kitchen. Taehyung was leaning against the granite countertop and Jungkook was seated at the island. The tension was so thick you practically choked on it.

“Enough, Taehyung.”

“No,” Taehyung snapped, seeming just as angry as Jungkook. “I’m not dropping it. Not this time.”

“Yes, you will,” Jungkook snarled. “I’m not having this conversation with you.”

“Too fucking bad.” While Taehyung was also an alpha, he acted so much like a beta you never really noticed. Until now. “I’m not going to sit by and watch you do this to yourself anymore. Not spending your ruts correctly is only causing you more harm than good.”

“I’m doing things the way I want to, and it’s working-”

“The hell it is!” Jungkook growled at the interruption but Taehyung ignored him. “It’s not working, and you know it. Anyone with two fucking eyes knows it. It’s getting so bad that the pack is noticing, too. Even Namjoon has realized something is wrong, and he’s as oblivious as they come.”

“If they have a problem with me they can take it up with me.”

“No, they can’t. Because you won’t listen. Your head is so far up your ass you can’t even hear yourself anymore. What you’re doing right now is not working. Something needs to change.”

“Like what?” Jungkook spat.

“You know what,” Taehyung bit back. Jungkook was practically vibrating from rage. You knew you needed to go get someone, someone from the pack to calm the two of them down. Things were only escalating, but you couldn’t move. Your brain screamed at you to run but your legs were rooted in place. “That’s is what’s so frustrating, Jungkook. This, all of this, could be solved. She’s right there-”

“Don’t.” Jungkook stood up so fast the chair he sat on flew backwards and hit the wall with a resounding crack.

“Why?” Taehyung threw his arms up in the air. “Why not? I don’t get it-”

“Because I don’t want her!” Jungkook yelled, the force of it rang throughout the house. You had no idea who the she was that they were referring to. You assumed it was someone from the pack. It was well-known that wolves with human mates sometimes turned to other she-wolves to help with their ruts. You figured that’s what Jungkook did whenever he went away for a week. It had bothered you at first, but you knew he had his needs and that they were at a biological level. You refused to make him feel guilty or ashamed for taking care of himself.

“You don’t want her?” Taehyung was enraged. You could tell by the way he straightened his spine and unfurled himself to his full height. Jungkook bristled in response and the muscles in his back strained against the thin material of his shirt.

“No, I don’t!” Jungkook exploded. “What don’t you understand about that? I don’t want her around me. I don’t need her, I’m fine on my own. The thought of having her there when…God - it makes me physically ill.”

“She’s your girlfriend. Above all of that, your true mate. You’re seriously going to deny yourself of her, for what? Just because you don’t like having her around?”

Oh.

That’s when it hit you. They weren’t talking about some random she-wolf. They were talking about you. You were the one Jungkook didn’t want. You were the one Jungkook didn’t need. You were the one he didn’t like having around. As the weight of the words sunk into your mind, you felt your chest becoming tighter and tighter.

Then, you’re heart broke right in half. You dropped the container of cookies and didn’t flinch when it shattered against the wooden slats. The sound unstuck your feet from their position on the porch and your fight or flight system took over. Without a second thought, you turned on your heel and ran.

You didn’t know if anyone was behind you, you didn’t turn around to check. Hands fumbled for the car door as you threw yourself into the drivers side. Pain ricocheted throughout your chest cavity and you struggled to breathe. Your brain was blank, the only thing your mind did was move your body to get you somewhere safe. You had to leave and you had to leave now.

Miraculously, your fingers found your keys and inserted them into the ignition on the second try. A flutter of movement occurred to the left of you but your eyes didn’t let you look that way. Instead, they focused on the rearview mirror as you reversed out of the driveway. Your right hand found the gearshift and moved it to drive. Soon, you were tearing down the street as your ears refused to register the agonized howls that echoed behind as you kept staring forward. Adrenaline pumped through your system and your body shivered in response, the splash of hormones had created a blanket of fake calm over you. The emotions, the pain, the thoughts were swirling inside of you, ready to break free and drown you, but your brain wouldn’t allow it.

It wasn’t until you reached the end of your long driveway that you felt the original spike of adrenaline fade away. Your mother was in the front, tending to the flowers, and looked up when she saw your car fly into its usual spot. She stood up and her face twisted into a frown when you got out of your seat.

“Honey, your aura…it’s concerning.” The blanket was yanked away and the pain crashed over you.

You couldn’t say a word, all you could do was collapse in your mother's arms and cry, cry, cry.

It took you two days to calm down. The tears had stopped rolling and your shoulders no longer shook from trying to hold your sobs behind your teeth. Your mother hadn’t left your side, leaving your father to answer the door whenever someone knocked. The only person who did was Taehyung and Jimin. Jungkook never showed up.

Well, that was a lie.

Jungkook did show up every morning and night, without fail. But he never came to your doorstep.  Instead, he was in the woods behind your house, patrolling, not daring to leave the protection of the forest. A part of you wondered if he was respecting your obvious need for space or if your mother had paid a witch to set up boundary lines that didn’t allow him to cross. Either way, you were grateful that you couldn’t see him. There was an incessant tugging in your heart to be near him but you staunchly ignored it, which would’ve been impossible if you saw his achingly beautiful face.

I don’t want her. I don’t need her. Having her there makes me physically ill. Those three sentences played in a constant loop in your head, like a horror movie you couldn’t escape from. You were the protagonist who couldn’t escape the maze, but the villain wasn’t kind enough to kill you off. No matter what you did, your brain wouldn’t stop repeating those three sentences. Your mother burned sage, she pressed crystals into your palms, she muttered ritual after ritual, but nothing worked.

You hated how affected you were. You had always told yourself that you would never be the girl who’d get so wrapped up in someone else they didn’t know who they were anymore. Independence was something you prided yourself on, but you seemed to be at a complete loss now. You couldn’t stop the waves of sadness and self-hatred at your depressed state. It was amazing how empty you felt yet so full of pain at the same time. Your mind and heart couldn’t seem to decide which hurt worse; your heart for having your soulmate so obviously reject you, or your brain for trying to make sense of the situation. When did this happen? How did this happen? How had you been so blind as to not see it?

“I don’t think we’re soulmates,” you rasped to your mom on the third morning. It had been the first words you had spoken to her since you had fell into her arms. She looked up from the bundle of herbs she was smoking.

“Why do you say that?”

You stared at your hands that had curled in on themselves. “I don’t make him happy. I-I never realized how uncomfortable I made him. I wish I had known. How did I miss it?”

Your mother tutted gently and gathered you in her arms. She smelled of lavender and wax. “This is good. I’m glad you’re letting yourself have this moment. Let’s sit in this and allow yourself to be embedded here.” But you didn’t want to have this moment. You didn’t want to have any moment and you’ve felt enough to last a lifetime. Instead, you rolled over, let sleep overtake you and tried to ignore the distant howling that rattled your window pane.

By nightfall of the fourth day, you were forced out of bed. Partly by choice, partly by force. Your parents had dipped out to run to the grocery store, despite your mother’s insistence that she could stay. You and your father managed to convince her to leave and you had gotten up to wave them goodbye. Sure, your heart was broken, but the least you could do was kiss them on the cheek before they left. You had turned around to shuffle into the kitchen to try and shovel something down your dry throat when a loud knock sounded at the front door. Hesitating, you carefully peeked through the kitchen window and saw Jimin on your front doorstep, dressed in all black.

Sighing, you stumbled over and pulled the door open. You figured you couldn’t avoid them for much longer. “Hey, Jimin.”

“Christ, you look like shit.”

You huffed out a laugh as Jimin stared at you in horror, not having the energy to be offended. You also knew, in a weird way, that this was Jimin’s way of caring for you. “Yeah. My mother’s covered all the mirrors in the house.”

Jimin nodded as he glanced at you from head to toe. “I want to ask if you’re okay but…” He gestured to your gaunt frame swaddled in a heavy sweatshirt and sweatpants. For the first time in two years, they were your own clothes, not Jungkook’s.

“I’m fine, Jimin,” you heaved a heavy sigh and leaned against the doorframe. “Do you want to come in? I think my mom boiled some tea not too long ago.”

Jimin shook his head. “Can’t. Jungkook would have a fit if I got that close to you right now. I’m already pushing my luck just by showing up.” He doesn’t care, you thought bitterly, and almost said it out loud but you caught yourself at the last second. Jimin wasn’t stupid, though. He knew what you were thinking. “Hey,” he murmured, eyes going soft, “are you ready to talk about it?”

“No.” You shook your head. A wave of sadness washed over you but the telltale prick of tears didn’t come.

Jimin understood. He tucked his hands into his pockets as he rocked back onto his heels. “Are you going to talk to him?”

Letting out a heavy breath, you crossed your arms over your chest. “I know I have to. I just…I just need time.”

“Take however long you need.”

It was another 48-hours before you finally snapped. While you had spent the majority of the two days that had passed to make yourself resemble a human being, you couldn’t focus. You couldn’t move on. Why?

Because Jungkook wouldn’t leave you alone.

His presence was constant. He circled your house every hour of ever day, the large shadow of him in wolf form darkened the trees behind your house. The howling had stopped but the pacing hadn’t. You hoped he was at least sleeping, but then you got annoyed at yourself for caring. You didn’t know why he was out there, it made no sense. Jungkook’s words were so different from his actions it made your head spin.

But, you needed to move on with your life. You had to. The only way it was going to happen was if Jungkook did too. It hurt. God, did it hurt. Yet, as sad and utterly pathetic as it sounded, you were used to the pain at this point, had resigned yourself to it. A part of you worried you wouldn’t know what to do without it.

Shaking off that depressing thought, you tugged on your rain boots and stepped outside for the first time in a week. The air was heavy with the promise of rain, the clouds low and gray. You tugged the hood up on your sweater to prevent your hair from completely frizzing out before you walked to down the back deck steps.

The backyard of your parents house was expansive. The home you had grown up in sat on top of a sloping hill that your mother had turned into her personal greenhouse. You stepped past rows of raised garden beds and pruned plants until you reached the line where the neatly mowed grass met the twisted ferns of the forest floor. As you had suspected, the ground was scorched with the evidence of past rituals. While your mother hadn’t out right admitted, you had figured someone had come and created a boundary line. It was obviously specific to Jungkook since Jimin and Taehyung were still able to visit. While your mother’s methods were extreme, you understood. As difficult as it was to move on with your life with Jungkook sequestered to the forest, you couldn’t imagine what it would’ve been like if he was within a few feet of you.

With a deep inhale, you sat down on the damp grass and waited. After a few minutes, you could hear the faint sounds of paws hitting the wet earth. The galloping got louder and louder until there was a momentary stretch of silence before it changed to footsteps.

When Jungkook emerged from the trees, you weren’t prepared. Although you knew you wouldn’t be, you still weren’t expecting it to hurt this bad. Your chest squeezed painfully at the first look of his broad form. Technically, it had been two weeks since you two had truly seen each other, the longest you’d ever gone. What hurt the most was how badly you longed for him. You wanted nothing more than to run straight into his arms, bury your face into his chest, and forget everything. Just forgive and give your heart what it wanted. But you remained firmly in place.

Jungkook looked as if he had seen a ghost. Which, to be fair, was probably true since you hadn’t seen the sun in seven days. His normally golden skin was pale and even from where you sat you could see the dark circles bruising under his eyes. Clearly, he hadn’t been sleeping. You hated that you noticed. You hated that you cared. He was dressed in all black and his chest strained against the material of his sweater. His hands were balled into tight fists at his side and the sight reminded you of why you were here.

“Hi.” Probably wasn’t the best start but it was the best you could do. Jungkook didn’t respond so you soldiered on. “I-I know you don’t want to be here, so I’ll make this quick. I just…wanted to apologize. I had no idea I made you so uncomfortable. I’m not sure how long you’ve felt this way about me, not that it really matters, but I wish you had told me sooner. Maybe things would’ve been easier for you, who knows.” You released a heavy sigh and tried to shove down the stone in your throat as you forced the next words out of your mouth. “But, all of that doesn’t matter anymore. I think I understand what you need, now. I know you loved me at one point, but I’m obviously not what you need anymore. And…t-that’s okay - I swear it is. All I want is for you to be happy, Jungkook. And I think, in order for that to happen, I need to move on. We both need to move on-”

“Stop it,” Jungkook broke in with a harsh voice that cut your sentence in half. “Stop talking.”

It felt like he had slapped you in the face. A wave of humiliation washed over you and you visibly flinched. Staggering to your feet, you locked your gaze onto your boots in an attempt to hide the tears that dripped down your nose. “I’m sorry,” you whispered, not expecting it to change anything. You began to turn away but Jungkook stopped you in your tracks, again.

“Wait, no - stop. Stop. Please…don’t go,” he pleaded. When you turned around, his eyes were frantic. Jungkook’s hand was raised from his side as if he thought about reaching out to you but something stopped him. His words were at war with one another and you were caught in the middle, at a loss for what he was trying so desperately to convey to you.

“Jungkook, I’m so confused.”

“I know. I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry.” Jungkook tucked his head into his hands before dropping down into a squat. “This is all wrong. This is all so wrong.”

You knew you should walk away. You had said your piece, it was time to move on, just as you had said. Yet, you couldn’t. It was as if your heart was tethered to him and your body couldn’t handle the pain of walking away. “Listen-”

“I don’t know what to do.” He cut you off but the bubbles of anger that had risen from being interrupted popped once you saw how lost he looked. His tattooed fingers threaded through his hair, allowing you to see the pure anguish that twisted his features. “Whenever I feel like this, I come to you. Because you always know what to do. Any situation, no matter what, you can handle it. It’s something I’ve always admired about you.”

The way he spoke to you now, so reverently and so full of awe, made your head spin. Nothing made sense.  It was such a blatant contrast to the brutality that he had spat out a week ago. As much as you wanted to believe what he said now, those stupid words could not get out of your head. It was a constant reminder that never shut up.

“I don’t know what to do either,” you admitted in a quiet voice.

“Tell me,” Jungkook begged, as if he couldn’t and refused to comprehend what you had just told him. “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. Whatever you want from me, I’ll give you.”

You were shaking your head before he could finish. “There’s nothing you can do, Jungkook. Nothing.”

“Don’t say that.” He stared at you, horrified. “Don’t say that to me. Please, there has to be something.”

“What could there be?” You cried. Tears streamed down your cheeks now. “You said it yourself, being near me makes you sick. Why would I stay? Why would you want me to? I refuse to make you uncomfortable anymore - so that’s that.”

“It isn’t,” Jungkook argued back. “It can’t be. I-I can’t lose you, I can’t. I need to make this right, please just let me. Please.”

But, you were tired. You were so fucking tired. You were exhausted of the emotional rollercoaster that you were on that you just wanted to crawl away and hide. All the fight seeped out of you as your shoulders slumped forward. Jungkook saw this and the blood drained from his face. You were giving up, he could see it, and it scared the shit out of him.

“Jungkook, I need to go, okay? I-I can’t do this.”

“No!” Jungkook shouted and shot up to his feet. The pure panic that choked his voice brought on a fresh set of tears that you struggled to hold back. “Just let me explain, okay? I swear to God, after you hear what I have to say, if you still want me to, I’ll let you go. I won’t fight you on it. But, please let me tell you the truth. Give me a chance to make this right. You deserve that.”

You hesitated for a moment. Deep down, you knew you should let him talk. Not because you necessarily thought he deserved to, but because he was right. You did deserve the truth, no matter how much it broke your heart. With a heavy sigh and a quick swipe of your cheeks, you nodded. Once Jungkook was sure you weren’t going to leave, he began pacing. Looking every bit like the wild animal you knew him to be but never got to see.

“Mating with a werewolf is…brutal. It’s intense, it’s painful and it isn’t pretty. It’s essentially a breeding session where I use you as a vessel to fulfill my innate biological needs. It’s not romantic, it’s not gentle. Even for she-wolves it can be too much. The thought of subjecting you to something like that - that type of pain…I couldn’t fathom it. I don’t think you understand just how precious you are to me. The image of you being battered and bruised because of me, something I did…it tormented me, day and night.” He paused for a moment, the pained look in his eyes made you shiver. You hated that he had gone through all of this turmoil on his own, and you especially hated how you never made more of an effort to try and relieve him of it.

“I couldn’t do it. That’s partially the reason I waited so long to tell you that you were my true mate. I knew ruts were something I would never expose you to even though it’s such a huge part of my life, a wolf’s life.” Jungkook looked you straight in the eye, the intensity of his dark gaze took your breath away. “I know the practices other wolves partake in when their own heats or ruts arrive. I know you know them too. But, I need you to understand something. The moment you allowed me to be yours and vice versa, I haven’t had anyone else since. I swear on my life, I’ve spent every single one of my ruts alone. I wouldn’t and I won’t do that to you.”

“Isn’t that painful, though?” Your voice cracked but neither one of you acknowledged it. While your knowledge on ruts were expansive, having done plenty of research since being with Jungkook, you had obviously never experienced one.

“It’s manageable. It’s way more painful for a she-wolf to go through her heat alone than it is for a male.” Jungkook clenched and unclenched his fists as he resumed his pacing. “The worst part is being away from you. I’ve been going through ruts since puberty, I can handle them. But not being able to be with you for a whole week…I hated it. Still do. I dread that three month mark. And as time went on, I became more and more miserable. Being apart from you was almost unbearable but the other option…I never even allowed myself to consider it.

“It came to the point where the pack was noticing. I wasn’t getting the proper pheromonal release from my ruts and it was beginning to affect those around me. Taehyung has been on my ass for months now to get over myself and take you with me during my next rut. Each time I’d give him some excuse, but it was getting harder and harder to justify what I was doing. At first, I was convinced it was because I was protecting you. But you’ve been so understanding and so patient with me and my life, those excuses were becoming useless. Eventually, I think it was because I was protecting myself. I was - am - so scared. I’m terrified that I could hurt you when I’m like that. That I wouldn’t be able to notice or worse, ignored, if something happened to you. Living with that type of fear became debilitating. So, I just kept my mouth shut and kept you away from that part of me.”

Jungkook shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. “Now I know that was the worst possible thing I could do. That I was just hurting you more. What you walked into last Sunday was a culmination of my frustrations that I was refusing to deal with. While it’s not a valid reason, I’m well aware of that, I need you to know that what you heard was not the truth. It couldn’t be further from it. Because the truth is that I’m hopelessly in love with you and the thought of being without you hurts worse than I ever thought was possible.”

It wasn’t the first nor would it be the last time that Jungkook left you speechless. It took you a full minute to process what he had said. Jungkook granted you the silence although he became increasingly more agitated as time passed. His boots scuffed the dead leaves that littered the ground and his pacing led him closer to the ashes that lay before your feet. Then, he’d suddenly stalk off with a growl as he was forced to keep away.

“I-” you cleared your throat around the lump that had found a home there. “I had no idea. This whole time…I thought it was because you didn’t want me.”

“God, no.” Jungkook swore heavily as his muscles bunched and coiled beneath his clothes. “The - the fact that…you - fuck. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. That’s not it, that’s not it at all. You’re my dream girl, you’re the love of my life, and I want you every second of every day.”

Maybe it’s because you were emotionally drained and had no mental strength left. Maybe, you needed to hear those words from Jungkook more than you realized. Whatever the reason was, it wasn’t worth trying to figure out an explanation as you sunk to the ground and burst into tears.

Jungkook lost it across from you. Broken whines stained the air as he carded through his hair anxiously. He kept trying to get to you, to try to soothe you. But the boundary was unfortunately doing its job and each attempt was met with failure. Curses were spat out until eventually, he got as close as the boundary would let him and fell to his knees. He began spewing whatever came to mind first, unsure of what to do. All he knew was that you were crying because of him and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He thought hearing you cry from your bedroom window was torture, but nothing could compare to hearing you break down in front of him. Nothing. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m sorry…please, I’m so sorry. I - don’t cry, darling. Please don’t. I’m so sorry I hurt you, I didn’t mean to, I swear.”

It wasn’t tears of heartbreak that leaked from your eyes. Instead, it was tears of relief. While your heart had wholly accepted his words as the truth, the logical part of you reminded yourself that the two of you had way more talking to do. This was far from over, but the relief of knowing that he loved you and he was yours…it was indescribable.

You finally lifted your head up and were shocked to find Jungkook’s cheeks glistening with moisture. Your only thought was to comfort him as you scrambled forward to do just that. Instead of feeling his smooth skin against the palm of your hand, you were blocked by what felt like a wall although nothing stood in your way. Frowning, you realized with a start that the boundary worked both ways. Jungkook let out a frustrated growl as he glared at the ashes that was stopping both of you from getting what you wanted. It was silent for a few moments until an idea popped into your head.

“Wait here,” you announced before jumping up and taking off for the house. Ignoring Jungkook’s distressed cry, you ran inside. You yanked your car keys off from their designated hook and quickly typed out a text to your parents to let them know where you were going before spinning around and sprinting back outside. Jungkook was where you left him, although he stumbled to his feet when he saw you reappear.

“I’m going to your house,” you announced, breathless. “No witch is stupid enough to go that far into werewolf territory. If you want to talk to me there, then follow me.”

Jungkook stared at you for a heartbeat until the words you spoke clicked. “Y-yeah. Yes. Okay. I’ll be there.”

With a curt nod, you ran to your car. For the first time in a week, a faint sprout of hope bloomed in your chest.

It was the longest and shortest ten minutes of your life. The drive to Jungkook’s seemed to last a lifetime but also was over within a blink of an eye. The tears had stopped flowing by the time you pulled your car into his driveway, but you felt the telltale prick in your eyes when you saw him burst from the trees. Your heart ached as his long legs ate up the distance between you two as you wrestled with your seatbelt and threw the car into park. By the time you freed yourself, he was at the hood of your car.

The two of you stared at each other for a few breathless moments. You weren’t sure who moved first, but it didn’t matter as you crashed into each other’s arms. The moment his searing warmth enveloped you, you dissolved into another puddle of sobs. The feeling of his thick arms banded across your back, his torso molded to yours, and his hair tickling your ear, felt so right. Another wave of crippling relief washed over you and you practically melted against Jungkook. But he held you up, just like he always had.

He leaned against the front bumper while his hands were everywhere. Cradling your head into his neck, smoothing over your hips, or running circles over your shoulders. He was crying, you could feel the tears dampening your hair. But you were soaking his shirt so no one was in any position to complain.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“Don’t,” Jungkook hissed fiercely as he squeezed you tighter. “Don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault, not in the slightest.”

“Kook,” you sighed and pulled your head back to get a good look at him. “It takes two to tango.”

“Not this time,” he argued. “You’ve put up with so much. You’re everything I could’ve asked for and more. It was my own fears that got in the way and created this mess. And I’m so sorry for that, darling. I’m so fucking sorry.”

You shushed him gently, running your thumbs over his cheeks to swipe at the dried tears. “I know you’re sorry. I believe you.”

Jungkook dipped his head further into your touch with a pleased rumble vibrating through his chest. He kissed your palm gently, sniffing at your wrist. It made you giggle. “Missed that,” Jungkook mumbled as he stared at you with stars in his eyes. “Missed you. Missed you so much.”

A fresh wave of tears cascaded down your cheeks. You were positive that you looked like a mess, hair in a knotted bun, face red and puffy and you kept sniffling every two seconds. But Jungkook looked at you as if you held the world in your hands. “Missed you too,” you murmured in return. “Please, next time, just talk to me. I may not have the answers you’re looking for all the time, but I’ll always be here to listen.”

“I know,” Jungkook whispered. “There won’t be a next time, promise. If I happen to be stupid enough to put us in this position again, I give you full permission to punch me in the face.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” You lifted yourself onto your toes to brush your lips against his, dropping back down to your feet when his head chased after yours. “Or maybe I just won’t kiss you for a week.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened comically and he actually looked terrified. “I’d rather you just punched me in the face.” You tilted your head back and laughed. Jungkook tugged you closer and nosed your throat before peppering gentle kisses along the exposed skin. Sighing happily, you tilted your head to allow him better access and rested your cheek on his shoulder.

“I love you,” you said quietly. Jungkook froze for a split second before he sank against you. Squeaking in shock, you scrambled to brace yourself against the sudden weight pressing you towards the house.

“Say it again,” Jungkook pleaded. You couldn’t deny him. Dusting feather light kisses to the shell of his ear, you repeated those three words again, and again, and again. Each time you did, Jungkook held you a little tighter and cried a little harder.

Eventually, you’re murmured promises became softer and softer until the two of you just enjoyed each others presence. “C’mon,” you finally whispered as you started to lift yourself off of him. Jungkook growled and refused to let you move an inch farther. “Kook, come on. Let’s go inside. Your ass must be numb by now.”

“Don’t care,” he grumbled but he at least shuffled forward a bit more so that your combined weight wasn’t squashing his ass against your car.

“You might say that now, but you won’t be saying that later.”

Jungkook grunted at your logic but he at least raised his head and looked at you with the sweetest eyes. “Please tell me you’re staying.”

Giggling, you asked, “do you want me to?”

“Obviously,” he scoffed. “I want you here forever.” Jungkook tilted his head thoughtfully. “Actually, you should just move in with me.”

Christ, this boy was going to give you whiplash. You couldn’t help but laugh. “Jungkook, we just made up. The whole reason we were in this mess is because of poor communication. Don’t you think we should work on that first before anything else?”

“But…we could work on communication all the time if we’re together 24/7.” Despite his pout, you knew he wasn’t totally serious. Although you were sure it was going to come up again.

“Alright, you maniac,” you said fondly. “Take me to bed.” Jungkook’s chest rumbled happily as he lifted you up and wrapped your legs around his trim waist.

It wasn’t a long walk to his bedroom, but the exhaustion of the past week caught up to you and the gentle rocking of his steps lulled you into a serene state. Not quite asleep, but not quite awake either. You were aware when Jungkook placed you on his bed, practically engulfed in his scent. The last thing you remember before falling asleep was the words Jungkook pressed into your hair has he slid in behind you.

“Love you forever, my darling girl.”

©jcwritings Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without my permission.

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