#bc i take it easy and fuck around sometimes at work so i dont think it counts
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
phagodyke · 1 month ago
Text
venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
1 note · View note
meanderfall · 10 months ago
Text
people tend to tell me that i work hard and i deserve to take it easy, and i never know what to say bc i dont really believe them
but also maybe i should remember how, for 13 years in p.e., i would push my body to the point of feeling like i was having a heart attack and i was going to throw up, every single time, partially bc they never taught us how we should be exercising but also partially bc i think a part of my brain figured you're not working hard unless you're hurting
and then in the last year i took that kind of class at school, i actually paid attention to what your bpm should be when working out, specifically for improving cardio
and for the first time ever, i actually enjoyed exercising. and i actually improved so much.
so maybe i dont have to be pushing myself to the point of burning out to feel like im working hard. maybe accepting that particular compliment and advice isn't contingent on me feeling like im putting in that extra effort.
1 note · View note
writersblockended · 1 year ago
Text
Miguel O’Hara - HC
Warnings: no translated Spanish, other than that none??? Just fluff
Miguel O’Hara x reader
First of all that man is extremely romantic
He comes off as a serious man but did you see how he’s able to get bat shit crazy like he did for miles?
So he’s 100% capable of feeling intense emotions and SHOWS it. He’s got no problem with it
So he will shower you with gifts, sugar daddy style
One day you’ll see something in your closet or outside your door and think…I’ve never bought this before did i?
Honestly it didn’t take much to put two and two together, so you would just ask him about it
“Miguel, what did I tell you about buying me things, I’m not gonna have enough space for everything at some point you know?”
“I don’t dont know what you’re talking about.”
You’ll just roll your eyes, he’s never going to learn is he?
He is also jealous, but not controlling
He respects you and trusts you, but he doesn’t trust others
So if you’re in HQ to visit him and you find yourself talking to the different spidermen…
Hobie would be talking to you about politics and the importance of unions for workers, you would animatedly reply
And then walks Miguel…he saw you both and he knew you were going to surprise him
But he couldn’t help but feel jealous
Why couldn’t you go straight to him?
I think those feelings of jealousy come from his fear of losing people
You turn around and see Miguel, you smile
“Hey babe, cómo estás mi amorcito? Te quise sorprender pero ya veo que ya me viste”
“Hola, i see you two are talking, but that can wait. Ven contigo amor.”
You follow him to his lair (or rlly was is it …an office?)
And you go “okay what is it, did you need anything?”
“No, I just wanted you for myself.”
This makes you laugh, honestly Hobie is harmless and Miguel knows this. But he can’t help but feel threatened
He just wants you for himself really.
He’s also a huge cuddle bug, but he doesn’t show his affection in public. He doesn’t have an image to maintain doesn’t he?
At HQ he won’t kiss you unless everyone’s distracted, or he’ll have you sit on his lap while no one’s around.
Honestly it’s so easy to take naps while he’s working on things, those arms are quite literally pillows.
But at home? Oh my god, he’s like him stuck to your hair on a hot day
He will drop that persona and just simply attach himself to you and the nearest piece of furniture.
He will kiss you up and want to lay in bed so he’s fully on you
Sometimes he will fall asleep on you entirely, and he will wake up in the middle of the night panicking thinking he’s hurt you with his huge body
“No te hecho nada no mi amor? Fuck you should’ve told me I fell asleep on you babe”
“Oh my god Miguel you act as if you’ weight a ton, besides it’s no big deal”
He’s honestly such a worrier with you, he just wants you to be happy with him, so sometimes he will overanalyze every aspect of his relationship and you can see the gears turning everytime
Thats when you’ll reassure him and let him know he’s doing great, that he’s an amazing man who should not feel as if you are going to leave him. That simply won’t happen.
He also loved it when you take care of him, mostly bc he’s neglecting himself and it feels good to have someone do that for you u know?
If you give him a massage after a particular long day or tend to his wounds if he’s injured
He will just look at you with these loving glazed eyes and he will just melt under your touch
He acts tough but inside he’s like melted butter, softest guy you will ever meet.
He’s actually so emotional, he’s just good at hiding it
So if you guys argue, he’s upset and will look cranky at work
Once he gets home he sees you and your cold gaze and he will absolutely beg on his knees for your forgiveness, it makes you feel bad instantly, so you forgive him
All in all, your relationship with him is super stable and loving.
So yea this is me attempting to write after two years 😭🫣
Let me know if you guys like it cus idk I’m thinking of going back to writing fanfics and drabbles and all that good stuff ;)
Requests are open!!
688 notes · View notes
pasta-in-the-pudding · 7 months ago
Note
Oh my gosh sorry- reader with princess Daisy personality x Ben drowned if you could? :)
Dont be sorry its an easy mistake to make <3 also i love when ppl request ben and video game girls its so perfect
Credits to divider go to saradika-graphics! Go follow them and support their work
Thank you so much for requesting!!
Tumblr media
Ben x Daisy!Reader
Tumblr media
You are his dream partner tbh
Well i mean, anyone is his dream partner bc he thinks everyone is hot BUT I MEAN IT THIS TIME OK
He loves sassier people/more dominant people, especially in a more romantic sense
Since he's so laidback and nonchalant, it gives him a rush to have someone pushing him around, unafraid to say what they want and take what they want
And you have enough energy for the both of you anyways
He'll be behind you, nibbling on your ear while you are screaming at losing yet another uno match
He also loves how sportsy you are
Even if you don't play sports outright
Let's say you get into a competition
He will absolutely be your number 1 supporter
Cheering and hyping you up while standing off in the sideline
"Yeah that's it! Kick his ass baby!"
And once you are done, he will brush some sweaty hair out of your face and kiss your nose lovingly
But if you do play sports??
He will try to be at most of your games, but sometimes he just can't be bothered
When he is there though, he will hold nothing back, practically booing the other team off the field
And when you take breaks, he will slyly comment on how hot your uniform is while rubbing your hips
You roll your eyes and flick his nose, to which he cackles
He loves getting you all worked up and annoyed lol
He thinks it's really attractive
And cute
Idk he just likes teasing ppl in general, but especially someone with a personality as....loud as yours
Don't get me wrong, you definetly still wear the pants in this relationship
He just like to fuck with you now and then
42 notes · View notes
jokeson-u · 1 year ago
Text
ok so we know shauna is the fastest, lottie has the best footwork, and tai is likely the best all around player. i wanna expand a little on that and what i think the other varsity members are good at.
so first off. jackie. shes the best playmaker. her dad was the local kids soccer coach when she was little and it was her major bonding point with him. she actually enjoyed playing soccer, and watching it with her dad. theyd make plays together and as she got older it kinda stopped but its still a sentimental thing for her.
shauna was always a fast runner, but she preferred track to soccer. jackie really wanted shauna to join from a young age, and shauna didn't like it but she did like spending time w jackie, and she was able to work off some of her frustration on the field when running. she enjoys going on morning jogs sometimes still, and tai occasionally joins her.
lottie was kinda similar to jackie in terms of playing from a young age. her parents and therapist found it important that lottie be involved in social activities. she didnt really care about it, but when she realized she actually had skill she started to enjoy it. it was an easy way to make friends so her parents and therapist dont worry, and as she gets older, its an excuse not to be sitting at home all alone. lottie is a very dedicated person when she cares about something, so her effort in soccer resulted in her above average footwork on the field.
taissa did softball, swim, and briefly basketball as a kid. she wasnt super into it but she was pretty good. like lottie, taissa is a dedicated person, but unlike her, tai puts her 110% into everything, even if she doesnt care about it all that much. she wants to be the best at everything she does. during a soccer unit in middle school gym, she realizes soccer is everything she likes in a sport- especially because its the best shes ever played.
van is goalie obviously, and has the best reflexes. she doesnt do a ton of on field drills bc of her position but she does a lot of training w coach ben while the team does their drills. shes improved drastically at her goalie skills with all the one on one during practice. plus, tai sometimes ropes her into practicing when she goes over to her place, and tai does not go easy on her lol.
natalie is the best scorer. she doesnt actually play organized soccer until high school, but she used to practice juggling a ball in front of her trailer growing up. she got really good at it which is why she figured she'd join the team in high school as something to get her away from her parents. because of her physical comfort with the ball, she was naturally good at taking controlled shots.
laura lee is the best passer and executer. she listens intently to the plays given and is the backbone of getting the ball across the field. but shes also shes really good at sort of sitting back and observing the other teams strengths and weaknesses, and applying that to each play and setting up opportunities for her own team.
mari is a really fucking good defender. she grew up with a lot of brothers, most of which played football, so shes really aggressive and rough by nature when she needs to be.
idk who I'm forgetting and i dont care enough about allie to include her lol
146 notes · View notes
quillkiller · 3 months ago
Note
Hey Jen!! I hope this doesn’t sound embarrassing and I know you’ve stated before that you’re a feminist (proudly as you should) and I’d like to think of myself as one too but I also genuinely feel like I’ve got internalized misogyny? Like sometimes I find myself wanting to look good for male approval or for their gaze and I don’t want too but I feel like I’m not going to be good enough if I don’t and I even dislike some women characters simply bc they’re women and it’s horrible. I’m sorry to bring this up, I don’t have anybody to talk about with about misogyny or know any women around me who are feminists
BUDDY 🤍🤍🤍
this message is so sweet it feels like you’ve just been holding onto this for ages and just needed to rant a little about it. but let me tell you babes, all women have internalised misogyny. you’re not a bad person for harbouring internalised misogyny, i promise you. you’re being so self aware by just being able to identify it and talking about it !! i also still struggle with internalised misogyny and it has not been an easy breezy journey to get to where i am today !!
being a woman means always having to be aware that you are a woman and that’s so fucking tiring and miserable sometimes because you’re just. doomed to be a woman in a patriarchal society against your will (<- obviously not talking about trans people, and i dont mean you’re forced to be a woman unless you actually are and feel like a woman. etc). it takes a lot of fucking active work to unlearn misogyny and self hatred and even relearning self respect. it’s an entire upbringing as a girl, having a certain narrative pushed on you, that you’re unlearning. and i think you’ve come very far. you’re aware of your internalized misogyny and that does NOT mean you hate women. it does not make you bad. you have to be able to be comfortable in a world that hates you and you’re doing very good my little friend 🤍
9 notes · View notes
pumpkinsy0 · 2 months ago
Note
Okay so this is gonna sound weird but when I was younger I legitimately didn’t know my family was poor. Like when your a kid your kind of just oblivious to it I think. For example: there were time where we ate rice and beans for a month straight. Or sometimes the electricity would go off. BUT the one thing that would catch my eye is the fact that everything around the house was always broken.
The bathroom? Plumbing absolutely screwed, with a door that’s off it’s hinges.
The floor? Fine except the four missing/broken tiles in the corner of the living room.
But the one thing that is my villain origin story…is the sink. Our plumbing is so bad that the sink just won’t work. If you try to use it normally it just gets overflowed and clogged. So my dad decided to just put a big bucket in the sink. Now every time me and my brother had to wash dishes, we had to carry that big bucket outside to dump the water. It SUCKS and to me anyone who has a working sink feels rich.
That being said I definitely imagine that the shepards have gone through something similar. And I just KNOW Curly would absolutely hate having to take that big old bucket out everytime he has to wash dishes. Angela refuses to do the dishes cause there’s no way she’s gonna get her clothes dirty with dish water, and Tim pulls the oldest sibling card.
i get EXACTLY what u mean
at least ONCE, curlys fucked around w it bc he knows hiw much angela hates it and he would fake throw it on her, but ONCE ONNEEE TIME, it actually did drop on her and she was so pissed and tim had to deal w their shrieking
and if i may add on☝🏽their house just isnt rlly looking the best like safety wise either??? like its so easy to get a nasty cut where they live and ALL of the shepards have a scar
they all hate the place, the only place they rlly like is their bed and they can barely even say THAT, they dont rlly like being home</333
12 notes · View notes
rin-and-jade · 1 year ago
Note
Helloo!!! <3 I hope this message finds you well and that you'll have a wonderful day/ evening :)
So. First of all I am really grateful for your blog because I managed to understand some things about my problems.. also I should say first that im only suspecting I might have did or osdd 1b and im trying not to exaggerate about this self diagnosing thing and taking it slow (its almost a year since then and I think this diagnose describes exactly my struggles) but anyways. im pretty sure I have cptsd! so it might be just ptsd...
But I wanted to ask you bc I just dont know who else to ask this: are there any particular techniques to minimize trauma regarding learning or studying? (like I was receiving physical beatings for fucking years.. because I couldn't concentrate while trying to study- sorry for the unnecesary details) im really trying my best and sometimes I try to speak to the little of our system about the whole process of studying and how its not going to hurt her, that mistaking is very normal and from mistakes we will gather experience and that our abuser cannot do us harm anymore, so on and so on. It works mostly but she's not the only one who has problems regarding this specific trauma so its a lot harder to keep up with everyone wlse who might be triggered. I can't always hear them responding to me or giving me any sign of anknowledgment when trying to explain what is happening but the hardest part is concentrating and not feeling extremely tired... it goes without saying that this is very frustrating. And its been already two years since I tried my best to study. I just always seem to fall in the same pit..
I hope it makes sense what i've written here and if you dont have any advice then its totally fine!!!
P.S. this is not my native language. sorry :'D
Im so sorry that you’re having a really hard time around the aspect of studying, it makes me happy that you’re still kicking and trying,, asking help from me is totally fine even if you’ll need it multiple times, im gladly creating answers that could work for people and you.
I had gave a thought, we can do a few things like having exposure therapy (the technique), having a study buddy, and for the concentration such as using a different learning media, breaking it smaller with breaks each, and using more techniques for this too.
Regarding about study difficulty:
Exposure: this is a repeated process where your brain is given something it used to find as dangerous from the past and be stuck on a flight or fight response whenever it appears again. Be repetitively exposing what it fears, the brain always expects a bad outcome, and the thing is to ride it through until it knows it’s a false alarm and go “oh wait its not happening” until the initial stress from it is gone, this can be done by yourself (because i did). This is best done in a calm environment where you will attempt this, and call quits if its overwhelming for the first few tries,, but never drop it forever.
Study buddy: this is a great way to deal with it when studying alone feels too tedious to do. Studying together is helpful as your brain can re-associate what studying is actually like, you can do this with your current friends, it can be done physically or you can do it by online too.
For better concentration:
Media: studying about a topic that is presented in a video with visual representation keeps your eyes wondering less, since more elements are in there rather than reading a textbook, where it’s easy to drift off when words feel too much.
Breaks: studying in a prolonged time also defeats the motivation and focus, I personally study for test as i play (literally), in intervals. I review the necessary subjects in parts, rehearse, play, go back and revise what i remember and the previous one too,, rinse and repeat until i can remember the whole topic that needs to be memorized for the test. But this can be applied for regular learning where it’s just done in consistent intervals.
Others:
Destressing, it helps remove unnecessary clutter that’s taking space in your mind interfering focus.
Music, adding a background noise while studying may help some people and especially who needs sensory stimulation to focus properly.
Rewards, having a goal to reach to will make you easier to focus, and when you reach it (say 5 minutes of reading then want to watch a reel) your brain loves it. Then do it again.
I hope this can help you, this took a while to write everything so i don’t know what else haven’t got listed (because I can’t remember all at once) but nonetheless, try them, i insist!
- j
7 notes · View notes
autismvampyre · 1 year ago
Text
i dont wanna go to school anymore
im getting fucking bullied. and not "gice me your lunch money" but teenage girl bullied. the kind where they're nice to me when others are around but talk shit behind my back and purposely exclude me and isolate me from the majority. im two years older than everyone so idk if its bc of that or just cause ive always generally been an easy target but it sucks
everyone loves them. theyre the popular girls, fucking way higher status than me. i will never be believed over them, never be considered before they are; before anyone is. people make plans in front of me where they invite everyone but me and i fucking take it because this was always normal to me but now i have absolutely no one on my side. its like the whole school turned against me
im so alone. im so isolated and targeted and the teachers try to help but fuck me they have no pull. no one will listen. no one will stop. im stuck here til graduation. im stuck and all my favorite classes require groups to promote "working together" and fucking everything i say is shut down immediately every time because i'll never be as fucking important as fucking rebecca.
im smart. i have good ideas. i know im too much sometimes but i think im an okay friend when im not depressed. i just wish i got a chance, just for once. i wish i could be included.
2 notes · View notes
magnoliamyrrh · 2 years ago
Note
You don’t have to answer if too invasive but how did you find out your father did what he did? I’d think a toddler would be too young to remember
naw its ok. maybe itll be of some use to someone lol. so uh. yea. rly wasnt easy to figure this shit out or to accept it + going through all that weird normalized balkan shit rly made it a lot harder to figure out what the hell was what. as i said in that other post a whole bunch of symptoms made me v unsettled and suspicious of things since i was idk in my early teens, like, ive had utis and bad vaginal and anal pain since forever/ive been hypersexual to the point of feeling like a crazed bitch in heat. since forever. or very sex repulsed/sadomasochism otherwise v fucked up trauma kinks/nightmares/ general anxiety around physical and sexual intimacy/actually mortifying fear of the dark when i was younger, like, abnormal level/weird fucking triggers - like im still freaked out by cameras to this day, i always feel like im being watched especially when theres a camera somewhere, and i used to have v nasty reactions to ppl wanting to take photos of me when i was younger/weird feeling that all i was good for was to b little more than a sex slave for men - despite being a lesbian and having no interest in males/weird relationship w money/intense dissociation/utter disgust and fear around men etc etc etc technically. most of these could just b the result of the other stuff. technically kinda. except in my case it was to such an extent that tbh it uh wouldnt fully explain it frankly, not from what i remember which is most of it
on one hand yes most ppl tend to not remember their early childhoods much.but ehhhhh. many nontraumatized ppl do actually remember a lot. and some of us who are traumatized do. predators often target rly young kids bc they think they wont remember but its not rly a guarantee. i. have cptsd. and osdd/did lol so, uh, brain and grasp on memory and time rly isnt normal. before i feel down a trauma spiral and my psyche cracked once and for all, there were whole chunks of my childhood i couldnt rly remember. i still have a lot of gaps. a lot of it is still blurry and a lot of it i still dont remember... hell, shit feels blurry plenty of times in day to day life.. having a fractured psyche comes w sometimes not remembering much of anything and feeling rly detached from the trauma (and.. reality), and other times feeling like youre drowning in it
uhm, when i first started getting more memories back or flashbacks or my dissociating got worse at around 17/18 it was rly scary and confusing....i was back in romania and something must have triggered me bad idk. and i tried to just go back to repressing all of it but it didnt rly work, not that time. it was such a sickening and deeply unsettling feeling, i felt as if some dam in my mind had finally cracked and i was drowning in insanity. as time went by more of them came and some stuff was harder to deny. i also.. idk. a sick curiosity got the better of me and i went poking around in my brain in the places i perhaps shouldn't have - a bit later on at 18-19 when i started doing psychedelics, and that also rly just.. opened up my brain more idk and connected parts of it which werent connected before. which was partially horrifying and partially, im very thankful for
but uhm. it was many things that i started to put together little by little. the whole thing ended up coinciding w having to admit that i do actually have osdd/did which was.. hard. you dont end up with that severe sort of dissociative disorder and mental fragmentation without a.. certain level of repeated early childhood trauma. and despite all the plenty of other shit i went through, the stuff i knew of didnt ... fully explain it.. uhm. theres a part of me, alter, who vhemently hates my father. like a rabid dog, worse actually bc she leans into just sadistic want to see and feel him suffer actually. dont blame her. and just... at best severly distrust and dislikes men, in general. i think that was one hint lmao and uh.. she remembers more than i tend to about things anyway. others trauma holders and a persecutor alter remember more than i do too, and i dont envy them. some of them have always had a particular fixation on the being prostituted thing which i never rly understood or could put together from just the "regular" family stuff before.. getting to have more of a relationship and communication and understanding w them and breaking down some of the mental barriers and dissociating between us helped... v much still an ongoing process
and uh, i age regress pretty hard, or i have alters younger than this body is, or both frankly. generally agreed upon that the age(s) of said alters is the age(s) at which some trauma happened.. uhm, its actually kind of a whole other fucking nightmare to deal with but i guess u learn to live w it over time and try to make the best of it... uhm. so. because of that theres actually parts of my childhood which id say i remember better than most ppl, bc its like theres an open wound in my psyche back to those times.... sometimes i feel a lot more connected to that time frankly than the current time here. the earliest my memory stretches back is around 2 yrs old, and i remember plenty of scattered things from later on. some of it is trauma stuff, some of it is not..... i try to make the best out of the stuff which isnt. though it does actually rly fucking suck and make you feel insane to have some of ur earliest memories be. sexual stuff... and to know that shit was happening before you could ever remember.... uhm. a lot of the more severe sexual trauma kinda is like this other trauma during that time. when i was 2 i was bitten by a dog and had my hand ripped open - it rly was my fault, i was bothering the stray... i dont remember being bitten, nor the stitching up and rabies shots. but i have the scar on my hand to prove it, and i remember the moments before i was bitten, i remember the dog...... hm. i remember when i was two, i had spend some weeks or so down south with my father and his family. i have my suspicions of what happened but when i got back from them, i had such a mortifying fear of.... something. the dark. being alone. males. something, idk, something, all of it, that id get so scared and so freaked out that id just lose it, feeling such a severe level of terror that id just vomit bc i dont think my body could handle any of it. that i do remember, not pleasant nor particularly normal... for the most part the first memories and sensations and flashes i started getting back werent of the worst or most violent shit... uhm and those already made me suspicious even when they were more blurry and i couldnt remember much, and over time i just started putting two and two together and getting more of a sense of why i have/had certain triggers and nightmares and reactions and such..... a lot of times it feels like having to play detective for your own damn life. i still dont remember a lot of the worst shit. but by now i remember... enough. i remember enough, as hazy and fragmented as it may be at times, i remember much more than i ever fucking wanted to, enough that its undeniable... uhm. and also. that shit didnt end when i was a toddler, rather started then or.. god knows when it fucking started... but i dont really know how old i was when it ended. i left the country when i was 10, that i do know. its all still too fragmented for me to have any sense of, but, i do know it went on till i was older too, bc i remember some of that stuff as well
9 notes · View notes
worldofgoo · 1 year ago
Note
yayayay yippee (≧◡≦) i love how vibrant & lively your art is, i think my fav pieces are Horse Surgery & hanyuu (even tho i have no idea who that is) but that one wip with the rainbow is also v ery special 2me because it reminds me of my fav kind of weather ^_^ generic Which Program Do You Use question & also which programs have you tried so far? which one would you recommend for someone whose only experience so far wiht digital art has been scribbling in ms paint -_-? on topic, what do you draw with (mouse, phone, drawing tablet, ??) & was it easy for you to get used to digital art? i always get overwhelmed by the amound of different functions available so im not sure where to even start, any advice? which physical art forms do you like / would you like to learn (anything at all, i personally have been getting into air dry clay... well actually ive been using my sisters playdoh but maybe ill purchase smthn fancier :3) & final question how do you come up with poses to draw? your characters (+creatures) seem very animated and i really like that :)
HI okay i guess ill answer these in a list. actually will put it under the cut since i ended up saying a lot (and dw i enjoy being able to talk a lot so thank you!)
-THANK YOU im glad some of my more recent works (in my more current style) are appealing 2 people! like i wanna draw my own way even though i think it gets less notes... the higurashi fanarts (hanyuu and shion) r very memorable pieces to me because its when i started doing the loose sketches with the thin lines and block colors and thats the direction i reallyreally wanted to take my style in. also the rainbow is rian my friend rian
-i draw in paint tool sai! the only program i used before that was sketchbook pro, which i didnt like because the brushes were kind of... blurry/smudgy? sai allows you to zoom in and draw pixel by pixel which is something i like, and i like the way it does its blending. its also just easier for me to understand. i didnt pay for it i think i found some deviantart page that had the link, id have to find it again
-i draw with a wacom intuos tablet! its lasted me... almost 10 years now. ive heard newer ones are poorer quality in terms of at least the nibs needing to be replaced constantly, so idk what the most recommended tablet these days is. ive drawn with my mouse and tbh it caused awful hand pain so i would not recommend this. i draw on my phone with my finger sometimes but i find doing it on my laptop easier, however it is doable once you get used to it
-the way i got into digital art... well. i still have an archive of my earliest art if you wanna see! i was 14 n just drew random shit, often lining over doodles i did on paper and coloring them in. i think esp if youre overwhelmed start with making like throwaway experimental pieces, scribble around, doodle stupid things and color them in with different brushes and see what you enjoy. and then you can just keep the files to yourself if they dont look too good or maybe itll look interesting, it depends i guess haha. the other thing that ive always found helped me was telling myself id draw every day even if it was a little scribble or the tiniest amount of work on a wip bc getting a habit going helped my art a Lot beause it helped me spend more time thinking n focusing on it
more specific advice for sai that i found useful- using clipping groups & the preserve opacity functions are both lifesavers in terms of not spending so much time trying to color in the lines. if you color in a base layer you can just put everything above it as a clipping group and just not worry about it anymore. i also really like using the filters (like multiply) to mess around with the colors a drawing has, though sometimes its more effective to just select a layer/individual color and fuck with the hue/saturation/etc until it looks good. when i color, esp when its not turning out how i wanted to, i rely on shifting colors A LOT. n also mixing colors together using a blending brush and then colorpicking the intermediate color. very useful
-for the most part i stick to uncolored pencil doodles on like, notebook paper (even though i have some fancy supplies X[ one day) but i LOVE making things with clay, wish it was more accessible to do at home. i have a handful of clay animal statues and stuff that i made in my ceramics class in high school. would looove to do more
-because my poses tend to be very pushed/cartoony using references of real people isnt always useful (though obv knowing the basics of anatomy always helps) so in those cases ill use other cartoony art i like as inspiration, i try to see what i like about their poses nd emulate that with my own. sometimes when im struggling ill just do a bunch of studies where i copy art i like to try to get a feel for what im missing. mostly ive realized i like when the pose conveys some level of like, volume and taking up a 3D space (which im still definitely not a master of but bullshitting it can be fun). and i also like to have a balance of curved and angular shapes. sometimes i try to just do a pose that conveys a specific emotion or i just make shit up lol
alsooooo i cant reccomend aimless doodling enough! just random shapes, turning the random shapes into creatures, trying and trying and trying different ways to draw something until you like it, i feel like the things my hand makes when i shut my brain off and just scribble can inspire me as well, and i try to emulate whatever i made by chance while doodling. and if your doodles turn out better in traditional i tend to consider using a photo of a drawing as a way to skip the "preliminary sketch" phase nd drawing a rough sketch over that which i then use for my drawing (or just directly color since i draw very fast/lazy...)
3 notes · View notes
salaciousslut · 10 months ago
Note
"nothing too special" nuh-uh! Very special, amazing even<3 you dont gotta pretend you arent a big deal around me, sweetheart. I already know you are<3
You can take your time with lowering your walls with me thats ok! Esp since uhhm i got an aries moon🫣 i'm a super passionate person, so i worry im over doing it sometimes bc its so easy for me to over do it. So if i ever come off too strong, dont be afraid to let me know. I wanna make sure im respecting your boundaries<33
I know youre fun to be around when yall go out, like its not fair i cant invite you out to places and hang out, like i love love love going out for the sake of doing something with the people you care about!
The artist is kid cudi 🫣 ive been real into his music for idk like 13?? years now if im thinking about it bc i got into his music around 2011 like everyone else who heard Day n Nite on the radio. It would be fun to have you there though!
School's a lot of work so i dont blame you for being stressed, i just wish i could help take away some of that stress. And good! Pretty things like you should be taken care of, so its a shame you gotta take care of yourself.
Wait thats so funny 🤭 also same i feel like if i ever wake up and take a shot i should pack it up and quit drinking. Like ive seen that be what fucked over some of the people in my life so im strict about how much i drink when i drink. I'll probably (hopefully) stay a light weight for a while with how i drink too. And i hope you have fun when you do!! Take a shot in my honor tomorrow night?🤭 and you get it!! Like the thing i want to do/consume can be literally right there 1ft away from me and i'll just be like "wow that would be fun to do" and then just sit there in front of it for the rest of the night like??? Just do the thing! 🙄 its soooo unfair 😔
stopppp you flatter me!!
of course!! communication is the biggest thing for me because i know people cant read minds so i try my best to communicate how i feel with others!! ill always tell you how i feel and you have to promise that you will too okay?? especially bc sometimes i gently bully the people i care about so i never want to cross any boundaries
oooh ive listened to a few of his songs too hehe!! i hope you have fun and drink in his honor!! i had no clue he was 40 tho thats crazy
youre doing a p good job at taking the stress away! i come on and i see you in my inbox and im a lil less stressed hehe!! but also i very used to taking care of myself so itll be an adjustment to have someone care for me
yes of course ill take a few shots in your honor hehehe!!! maybe a few margs, we will see where im going tomorrow!!
0 notes
khodorkovskaya · 1 year ago
Note
I wanna be someone who's really easy to talk to and that and to have conversations with etc but then I'm also like??? Idk I feel like I am easy to talk to because anyone can literally say anything to me and I'm not fussed I'm ready to converse, wanna talk about eggs? Go ahead that's eggcellant. Wanna chat shit about guys/girls? I'm all ears and will offer support and jokes. Wanna talk about dinosaurs? FUCK YES IM READY FOR THAT. Literally anything goes but I rarely have convos with people and I'm like??? Is it a bible I give off???
Also sometimes I feel like I'm the issue because I could literally message anyone all day about random shit and anything that happens during the day etc but a lot of people dont seem to like that?? And I'm like ok calm down dont overwhelm someone, and I'm like dont send messages if they're not wanted etc etc etc..... and if replies are slow etc I'm like ohhhh maybe they dont wanna talk or have all these messages a lot so something I dont message people if that makes sense??? And idk if that makes people thinkni dont wanna talk but I really really do
Anyway I think I've lost the trail of this point I'm making but basically I just wish I was good at making and having conversations etc and didnt feel awkward everytime I try to have them lmao
yeah i get what you're saying. idk about you but for me i feel like substance is a big issue when it comes to conversation. like if it's small talk or something silly, im really easy to talk to. but once there's more substance and the conversation is a little deeper, i just like never have anything to say. i think it's bc i spent most of my formative years just like not thinking or questioning myself. or at least not questioning myself on the topics normal people question themselves on. like the part of my brain that's supposed to produce independent thoughts is like severely underdeveloped idk.
like for example i love talking to my zurich friend because he always has some gossip going on, but then we get to a different topic and im like 😐. like the last time we talked he brought up death and i just like had no idea what to say and it was awkward. bc in small talk or dinosaur talk or whatever you can just nod and laugh. but when it comes to something serious likeee. so yeah i haven't messaged him since and it's been like 2 weeks at least.
and i feel like it's the same as like doing sports/after school activities as a kid. like i have hyperhidrosis and when i was a kid i was like super insecure about it cos things would always stick to my hands cos im sweaty all the time. so id just like not touch things and avoid doing any kinds of activities where i had to use my hands. and now as an adult im super clumsy. like i have no coordination when it comes to my hands, i can't open things, i can't hold things properly. and i think it's bc i didn't use my hands enough as a kid. however, my parents put me into music school when i was little so now as an adult im above average when it comes to like being in tune with things, hearing things other people don't hear, etc.
and conversation is the same way. like no one really forced me to think that much as a kid or a teen. so now im an adult with two braincells, you know? but it comes with practice. like ever since my breakup ive been forcing myself to think and it's been really great so far. ive made a lot of progress and im so much more aware of what's happening around me now. and it shows in conversation too! like now i actually have a couple of opinions, can you believe that?! im slowly starting to become an interesting person.
so back to what you're saying, finding people who are able to have conversations is already hard to begin with. like some people are just like how i was up until recently, no thoughts, head empty. and it's no use trying to start a conversation with them.
whereas in other cases, maybe you're just not that interesting to talk to. and that takes a lot of work to fix. i haven't figured it out myself yet, so i can't help you. but i think getting in touch with yourself and your values and your interests really helps.
and yeah sometimes people's vibes just like don't vibe with other people's. maybe you give off a strange vibe? again, no idea how to fix that. ive definitely had my fair share of weird stares when i come up to talk to people. it's probably like pheromones or something idk.
0 notes
pumpkinsy0 · 19 days ago
Note
Ahaha guess who isn’t coping well rn? Me!
Context: today my period came and now I feel all nauseous and sad. But I solider on and went to do some shopping for some food. Issue? my dad also had like a bad day cause of his meeting. So when he found out I didn’t get his like alcohol he got mad. Not like SUPER mad more like passive aggressive mad??
I feel TERRIBLE because I made his day worse. But I’m also just sad right now. I love my dad so much but I feel like sometimes he just CAN’T be there for me. I can’t always ask for loving because he’ll think I’m being weird or needy. Or when I have a bad day, he’s also having a bad day. So I need to suck it up and act fine cause HE needs to let his feelings out. And I just- I just want my dad. I want him to hug him, I want to not have to earn his love, I just— I want him to stop being angry.
SORRY!! I’m venting majorly hard rn and that’s silly and stupid. But I was hoping you could do HC’s of this for one of the Curtis Gang Members. Maybe how that character would handle this. Maybe they’ll have better luck then me.
hey anon!!! im sorry to hear what ur goin through, u dont deserve it, so dont beat urself up!!! ur living ur own life and u shouldnt feel ashamed that u couldnt help someone else live theirs, plus bad day or not, no matter what it doesnt give someone the right to treat u poorly, its not ur fault!!! not even in the slightest!!!! ur sick on too of that, if ur dad cant show some compassion for that, hes the problem
BUT ITS OK!! its not silly or stupid, ur perfectly fine!!!
w all that said letsssss go w fem two bit w her dad here!! (yes this is genderswapped, but lets just say for this sake, twos dad and mom r the same and didnt swap genders)
•two loves her dad, which she knows is pretty odd considering hes one of the biggest con man she knows and even cons her sometimes but she just cannot help it no matter how many times shes mad at him
•two constantly feels like she needs to prove herself to him in order to get him to say “atta girl”, and in a twisted way, she really does but not really???
•two dad doesnt love her completely, but he does love her to a certain extent, he mostly loves what he can do FOR him and to a smaller extent loves her for her, thats guaranteed
•ANYWAYS, two’s sick and her dad got back home from this one con he tried doing that absolutely fucking busted, he got home and he was already annoyed, anything could set him off
•now he had this other thing planned, what was it??? till this day two doesnt know, BUT he told her to steal something for him, only problem is, she didnt get the right one, and she thought he would at least commend her for getting it, bc it was no easy feat, but she showed it to him, and he didnt go off on her, but she did see a look of disappointment and anger before he up and left to go to the couch, which made her feel worse
•for a good while, when he saw her around the house, he would make a comment about something she did, and it got to a point where two just couldnt take it and locked herself in her room till her mom came home late at night from work, just to avoid seeing him
•two mom HATES them hanging out the way they do and can always tell when something happened so when she sees twos dad at the table drinking and grumbling and twos door locked, she knows whats up and tries comforting two but it doesnt work, twos just beating herself up, so twos mom goes to her dad
•all two heard was yelling, it wasnt for long, maybe for 10 mins, but she ended up going to sleep to escape, she was just tired, hungry, and thirsty
•next day, he dad took her out, but it was so weird, bc its one of the only times hes seen him be hesitant near her, well with anyone really
•he drove her around town for a bit trying to make conversation, but failing miserably, and two knew he was trying to apologize, horrendously and in his own way, but he was trying, and to her that felt like enough, felt like a lot actually
5 notes · View notes
caruliaa · 2 years ago
Text
hmm girlies we may have acted a bit irrationally earlier this week. lol
#likee. she wasnt even making fun of it that much it was j one post critiquing her song writing like. idk#well. i cant take it back now lol so#idk it just kinda sucks bc like. it feel like so much that everyone around me is just making fun of this interest i have#to the point were i feel weary even about people id otherwise consider friends (although not close ones) mocking my interest and its fans#(and by extension me because i am a fan and its something im passionate about) openly without like. caring about#how feeling mocked by my peers would affect me#becuase it fucking sucks !! it really does its an awful feeling having something you love be treated as embarrassing to enojy#and i have experienced that feeling before including by ppl close to me and i think that still affects me a lot subconsciously#even if theyve since apologized and i dont hold it against them i still feel mentally impacted esp w past expeince of my interests being#mocked. i just like. its really realy easy for me to be on the offense and like. i have been trying to combat those feeling and not get#upset over minor things but idk sometimes its really hard and its easy sometimes to get overly worked up over small things that really#arent me and my interest actually jsut being made fun of but a differnece opinion on them which is fine for someone to have#but idk its jsut easy to feel made fun of when you are constantly surronded by ppl even via just following and shit who ARE#making fun of you idk. ik im not acting rationally but u guys wldnt if u had an interest that it feels like every one around u thinks is#'cringe' and uve seen ppl be told to kill themselves over having. an idk its jsut rly confliciting and im trying to not be irrational but#i feel like im being pushed into being the kind of intense fan who cant handle any critique of smth even when i dont want to be#bc it feels like the other option is to constantly have that interest mocked cosntalty and j put up with it which wears you down sm#and im trying to find a third option but it doesnt feel like thats just up to me like ofc theres some effort i need to and trying to put in#but its also up to the people around me and bc theres no foolproof 'will this person mack my interest' test i can do on everyone i become#mutuals w its kinda like. idk ig if your a mutual and ur reading this pls do be like. idk mindful of the fact that im a part of this online#community that youre in and if mocking smth i enjoy (im. talking abt tswift here if it isnt obvious) is smth you really cant go w out#then genuinly fair enough but please make dont continue to have me as a peer and if you do want to keep me as a part of your online#community jsut be like. mindful w me and everyone if youre mocking smth someone you wnat to have in your community cares abt#esp if its already widely mocked on here yk. idk just try to be kind and considerate of the ppl around u and like. ofc u cant keep track of#everyone ur gonna mess up and thats understandable but like. idk i dont wanna seem to self centered staying this but i remember#a while ago i made a post like pointing out a ship as an example of ships that were really popular despite there not being anything to them#(imo) but i still didnt mock the ship at all and b considerate of ppl that ship it bc ik i have mutuals who rly love tht ship and i didnt#want to make them feel bad bc theyre ppl i care abt even if we arent close and i. kinda wish i cld b offered the same grace idk#idk. also its 5am im going to go to sleep now. gn luce if ur reading this ilu<3#flappy rambles
1 note · View note
sillyandquiteawkward · 2 years ago
Note
Do u have any hcs about the Emeritus brothers growing up together?
i think primo took care of the others the most. of course nihil was There for most of the physical care, but i think they trusted him more than they could trust their father with Emotions or Issues
primos hair gets really thin from stress so he just shaves it by the time hes 30. secondo really admires primo so eventually he starts shaving his head as well despite no sign of thin hair.
i like when copia is also Just There being an "orphan" under sisters wing. her little protege. an out of place fellow kid. and all the other boys hate him <3 even primo doesnt trust him. hell rat them out to sister at he drop of a hat for a cheek pinch and a good job.
i think secondo as a little kid was the charmer thatd get the older sisters of sin to keep him with them in the ac while he was supposed to be doing like chores outside or like. school. hes just soooo cute and a charming little man they cant resist when he asks to sit and chat. tells them how pretty they are, etc
terzo has the best grades out of the bunch even primos surpised by the little genius. of course this leads to gifted kid syndrome down the line </3 hes always been a smartass but his steadily worsening grades makes him lean further into being a class clown type
secondo and terzo beat each other up a lot. sometimes copia is an unwilling third party and gets teamed up on. primo has learned he cant get inbetween them or theyll pounce on him too. copia has not learned this.
terzo always insitgates the fights but secondo always throws the first punch. hes so easy to rile up and terzo thinks thats fun to mess with. nihil alway tells secondo off the most but before terzo thinks hes got off scotch free theyll both get punished together for fighting.
still on fighting when copia gets beat up the other brothers tell him not to squeal to sister about it. this never works and sister fucking GETS them everytime.
when they eat together they take and give food to each other that they dont like/like. like oh everyone will give their brocolli to primo bc he like it and hell give them his onion rings or something etc. theres trades going around like you can have my garlic bread if you pass over your brownie. those sorts of things. there is peace and democracy when food is involved
99 notes · View notes