#bc i said let's go all the way all 3 recent brain obsessions go one art project

[tiredassmage]

I’m almost sorry to perpetuate the group hallucination this way, but this goncharov madness kind of really slaps and fits with mental gymnastics I have been doing for like three days really obnoxiously well and it’s like the 2nd thing in as many days that has fit those vibes and i think the universe is trying to tell me something about it.

(aka nathema was already a tragedy, but what if i told you i could make it worse and none of us, particularly me, are ready for that. just one of the 500 things i’ll maybe write if i find myself winning the time lottery.)

[blurglesmurfklaine]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

gonna unofficially thank @forabeatofadrum for this tag bc she said whoever wanted to do it and I wanted to so here it be!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

49??? What when how did that happen??

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

706,964 woah so not quite a million but uh I have shit to say apparently

3. What fandoms do you write for?

46 of the 49 fics are glee lmaooo, two are Newsies and one is Roswell, New Mexico! I anticipate more Newsies (Javid) fics to come because I’m obsessed

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

There From The Start

Cornelia Street

Here We Go Again

An Honest Man

If Music Be

All for Glee: Klaine!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to respond to as many as I can, but I usually forget lol. If someone leaves an insightful comment though it will usually spur a long conversation in the comments and I LOVE IT

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

If The World Was Ending bc they uh :) die, technically speaking

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uhhhh probably every other one??? I really don’t like sad endings so most have a happy ending, but i actually really like the ending to Stick Season because despite it being so terribly emotional and angsty, I feel like the ending is a turnaround and really hopeful!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really? A few annoying comments telling me characters wouldn’t act this way, and one asking me “where my creativity was” which rubbed me the wrong way but I try to focus on the positive ones! Those definitely linger in my mind longer 💞

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Don’t look at me. Yes. Sometimes. Idk man sometimes those dudes just need to fuck it out???? But I usually only write it if the story feels like it’s naturally going there. It’s never really porn for porn’s sake (for clarification there’s nothing wrong with that we all love a little pwp), it’s usually the sappy emotional kind that’s mostly feelings and vague descriptions. it’s definitely not my forte and something I still get a little embarrassed and self conchas about lmao

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not recently but I did have a Supernatural/Glee crossover a few years ago (shut up I was 16) and honestly it was loads of fun! Blaine was the child of that Gay Angel and Repressed Bisexual Man. Absolutely a slay

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don’t think so? But a few old ones from my fanfiction dot net page ended up on one of those search engine thingies??? Idk how to explain it or how to take it down but honestly… I have bigger problems lol

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No but if anyone ever wants to let me know!!! It would make me so happy!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yeah! Quite a few actually. I usually do the franken-fic every year and I did the roulette challenge and that m aforementioned crossover was actually a collab! Some of my favorite memories was writing the final chapter of A Night At The Ryerson House with @esperantoauthor 💞

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

OOF. Okay so. With 46 fics on AO3 you could say Klaine has a special place in my heart, buuuuuuut…….. my best friend introduced me to newsies in April and I seriously think it did something to my brain chemistry because Jack and Davey own my entire ass

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Ugh. I’m so fearful that I’ll never finish Amidst The Chaos, which I LOVE but takes so much out of me. There’s also one I’ve never posted called “Strangers Again” that involves like timeline jumping but in a romcom way that I’m not sure how to go about??? Also the community college one. I have so many.

For Javey I tried writing that Spider-Man AU but like. I need to re do the entire first chapter. I absolutely hate it actually and I think it’s because I don’t have a clear vision of what exactly I want, but I know what I DO NOT want????

16. What are your writing strengths?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh I’m actually not sure entirely? I’m gonna go with dialogue bc that’s usually how scenes come to me first.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Scenery/setting/sensory, world building, plot points, physical movement holy fuck do not get me started when That Guy has to move Across The Room AHHHHHH I wanna tear my face off

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Love it! In my brain Jack Kelly is Mexican because I love to project, and I’ve got a wip where Blaine is involved in a Hispanic community (no he’s mot Hispanic he’s just got a Mexican friend who is an old lady and also Catholicism is involved it’s a lot to explain okay go with it) so I like to use it, but only in a way that feels natural to ME based on MY experiences. Different people have different approaches!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Glee!

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Oof. This one is hard but I think it’s an even tie between Here We Go Again and If Music Be!

Tagging: @somefeministtheatrepls @somanywords @justgleekout @kurtsascot and anyone else who wants to try!

[krunchylegs]

literal yap

i am so mad at myself bc i feel like ive basically reset my progress, ive walked a lot today (18k steps) but i feel sick rn bc i overate. i literally planned out my meals but when i was out i ate twice and then i was like, 'itll be fine ill skip dinner and it wont be too much' but then i ate dinner bc i played badminton (which im happy to get back into) but i think that made me hungry, and then i made myself breakfast and lunch for tomorrow and atm im using a protein powder with fat free greek yogurt and peanut butter mix for my breakfast (it is not low cal unfortunately but idk how to make it any lower and i dont want to remove the peanut butter). but anyways, thats what ive been eating for breakfast since like today basically, but i like it a lot and i wanted to eat it so bad but i knew id be so pissed and i was gonna just wait but then i decided to be an idiot and just made another serving of it and ate it and i didnt even measure anything properly and now i feel so dumb😭😭 im trying to give myself a little bit of slack bc today was super stressful for me bc im starting college and today was my first day and theres been a little family issues recently and i felt like shit and super emotional today so i think that might be why i just gave in to my cravings, its not even actual hunger its just what my brain wants not what my body is even asking for.

im not going to let this stop me tho, failing is just apart of the process ig 💔

also i was thinking about beginning ballet as an adult, ive only had a few classes when i was really little but ive been obsessed with ballet for like 2 or 3 years now and i felt too old to start but now im 18 and im like damn i couldve started during that time and i wouldve at least been somewhere with it by now 😭 but who cares, ik ballet is one of those things that most ppl only do if they grew into it but i feel like i didnt really get the chance to have a feel for it and if i hate it then at least i tried it. and ik its hard and ik itll be difficult but for me its more about having fun so yeah, im gonna ask my mum soon if i can join a class, she basically said that this year is my year to get all of my artsy stuff out of the way :/ so i may as well try pick something up to do. i just hope im not as isolated this year. i hated 6th year (final yr of highschool), literally no friends 😭 but like fr no one talked to me and i was so isolated it literally felt weird to talk for more than a few seconds. hopefully itll be different this time and i can make some friends, being lonely sucks so hard and its so cringe too like wdym ur in the bathroom stall the whole lunch period bc you dont want to eat + u got no friends, like bruh.

that school food was nasty tho idk why mfs were genuinely running for it...

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Oh Disneyland Paris sounds fun yeah! Were you and your roommate already close then? I went to Walt Disney's world with my aunt and cousin when I was like 11 but it would've been way more fun if I could've taken my best friend with me for sure. Maybe we can go to the one in Paris now that she lives just 3h away from me! Oh I see, sounds like LA was really fun for you yeah! your roommate didn't mind third wheeling tho? Hahaha

Yeah Canada is beautiful but what I liked about it the most was the massive improvement in quality of life I had compared to where I was living before and just being able to be who I am and people accepting me for it. Not being worried about violence 24/7 felt pretty fucking great too. So yeah I highly recommend living there if you ever get a chance. But I am loving Portugal so far, people are a bit more judgemental here tho but I like that it's easier to travel to a lot of countries I've always wanted to go to. Everywhere you go there are pros and cons tho so sorting out priorities is key. But Toronto is my favourite of all the places I've been, before living there for a year I had already been two times!

Jesus 50 states, sometimes I forget how big the US is. And you can totally do it if you plan it out! After watching Bly Manor tho I really want to go to Vermont especially during autumn season looks really pretty! There's this fic I love (only the sun by prestonarchives) where Dani and Jamie go on a road trip from Vermont to Maine and I did their entire journey on Google maps street view bc I was so obsessed with this one chapter fanfic I had to immerse myself entirety in it hahaha. So now I want to go there irl. Here's the link if you haven't read it before!

https://bit.ly/3BLy4WR

Omg I totally remember reading that on CBML and being a bit confused bc I was like why would she think you can't see the moon from the great wall of China HAHAHA but I thought it was really funny and endearing yeah it's even funnier now that I know you said it irl haha.

Oh so ENFP-T means extraverted, intuitive, feeling and prospecting personality with a bit of turbulence. Which just means you're curious, perceptive, enthusiastic, an excellent communicator, festive and good-natured. On the other hand you can be disorganized, unfucosed, a people pleaser, overcommitted, too optimistic and restless.

I wonder what Jamies and Danis mbti are as well as their zodiac signs 🤔 I think Jamie might be an ISTP-A bc she's definitely an introvert, very practical, stubborn, assertive, layed back and energetic at the same time. And Dani is either an ENFP-T like you or an ESFJ-T with the whole selfless thing going on.

AE already made it canon that Jamie's an aries (and it makes sense) but I can't figure Dani out. I've thought about her being a leo ♌ bc she's generous, passionate, warm-harted and dominant in her own way and THE HAIR haha. But she's got some pisces ♓ vibes going on too...idk. aaand I'm back at it again with the astrology signs haha.

To be fair your recent drunken exp it was dark and at least you didn't think the road sign was a bear or something (don't know what kind of wild animals you've got over there) that you wrestled with and ended up in a ditch and your best friend let you believe that happened for 3 years up until recently haha. 😂 but yeah some things happen for a reason, having life threatening health issues doesn't sound great tho, but I guess it's a good thing it stops you from drinking too much and making dumb decisions. And hey maybe I secretly want that to happen again idk maybe moving countries is not exciting enough, I have to go out and make a complete drunken fool out of myself in a completely foreign place hahaha. I guess that did kinda happen last month when my best friend came to visit me from Spain and we got drunk on wine, I got lost on the way back home and it was way past curfew. 🤔 shit I'm 29 will I ever learn...

Episode 9 is 😢😍🥰😰😭🤬☠️ just the worst roller-coaster I didn't even know I was on. Haha I was more pissed off than heartbroken the first time I watched it ngl.

Well then maybe the way you do accents is friendly and funny so people can't really get mad at you haha. Like Dani! Oh so that's called a Geordie accent! I see, it's really really cool. AE said Jamie is from Lancashire but that's a whole county isn't it? Idk if there's a specific accent to this region. Knowing you speak kinda like Jamie is something else tho, I think if anyone who spoke like her ever talked to me irl I wouldn't be able to pay attention to what they were saying 😂 just the accent haha.

Oh so you already have 4k something words for it nice. I'm kinda starting to feel an obsession with this medieval AU growing in me, I made a Pinterest board just for it ngl hahaha but I'm still resisting creating anything for it, I did a face study yesterday for Dani and Jamie to see if I finally pick up the idea and just do it but my brain was still like "I don't want to do this rn" and was just being a little bitch about it so I'll just let it cook for longer see if we can reach an agreement eventually (if ever) haha.

Glad to hear you had a good weekend! Even if it left you feeling exhausted in the end. And yeah it makes sense for you to say you don't have favourites haha! Have a great week Colour, take care! 👋✨

Yeah me and my roommate have been friends since we were like 14 so when we went to Disney Land we asked if we could be roomed together because we've been best friends for that long now... been best friends since school and now we live together. She's seen me at my best, my worst, has seen me in all my stages in life and has been there for a lot of the rough stuff I've been through and I've been there for all the stuff she's been through!! Nah she didn't mind at all we had some moments where me and my ex would just go and be a couple and have dates but my ex didn't want me travelling that far alone so invited my roommate too because she didn't like the thought of me flying 11hours alone or being in airports alone so my roommate came with me and we had a great time Awwh good I'm glad it was such a nice place and that you didn't worry about violence all the time but I'm so sorry you ever had to worry about that anyway that can't be easy. I would honestly love to live in Canada I really hope I get chance one day... I'm glad you're loving Portugal but sorry people are judgemental there but I am glad it's easy for you to travel around to other places... oh yeah every place has it's pros and cons I mean England has some pros but it sure has a lot of cons too so I know all about that Yeah America is SO big but I do want to get around all 50 states at some point and I am stubborn enough and determined enough to make it happen eventually even if I don't get around them all until I'm like 70 I'll make it happen haha!! No I haven't read that fic but it sounds amazing so I'll definitely check it out thank you for sending me the link Yeah... that really happened to me and it was just a dumb moment where I had this momentary lapse of knowledge in my brain and now I look back at that question and I'm just like... "you idiot" and this is why people are shocked when I get questions in quizzes right because I have said some really dumb stuff but I'm glad people found it funny and endearing... and I'm glad it makes it better to know I really said that haha Oooo I didn't know that, I like that and I think it's definitely fitting for me!! I think from what you've said about what ENFP-T means Dani could easily be that too and I don't know anything about the other one but I will take your word for it matching Dani because you know way more about this stuff than I do. I have no idea for Jamie though. And with zodiac signs I love that Amelia looked at Jamie and thought she was an Aries, as for Dani I have NO idea what her zodiac would be... in CBML she's a Leo but in MoU with what I have planned for her birthday she'd be a virgo but I don't know anything about zodiacs... all I know is all the pieces I've ever met have been the opposite of what Dani is so maybe that has something to do with their whole charts but I know a lot of other people always make her a Pieces and I trust what other people say about zodiacs more than what I know about them because I really know NOTHING about them haha Nah I knew it was a road sign because of how heavy and hard it was- nah we have no bears where I live... I don't think we have many dangerous animals where I live... got a couple of badgers that can be pretty aggressive but that's about it we don't have much that is scary here or at least not in the little part of England I live. Having life threatening health issues has been hard and since having my spleen removed in January (that was the surgery I needed to try and fix the issue I had) things are even harder now because I have to take antibiotics for the rest of my life to stop me getting any infections because if I ever get a chest infection now or a really bad cold it can be really dangerous but I take it all in my stride and not drinking is just a way to make sure the antibiotics actually work properly and to make sure nothing happens to me... and like you said, means I don't do anything dumb too... haha drunken stories are the best I have been lost a few times when I've been drunk... and I don't think you do learn, I have siblings that are

like 40 and still do dumb shit... I know at 27 I am still doing dumb shit too I don't think I'll ever learn haha 😂 Its such an emotional roller coaster and honestly I was just devastated the first time I watched it... no TV show or movie has ever made me cry the way Bly Manor did when I first saw it and it still makes me cry now. I can cry just thinking about that last episode. I definitely mean it in a friendly way so I hope it comes across like that. Yeah the accent in Billy Elliot is a Geordie accent and its my favourite accent there are other accents around the north that are called different things. Yeah Lancashire is a county and again in Lancashire there are loads of different accents I can't really pinpoint Jamie's down to a city I just know it's Northern. I'm from Yorkshire but don't have a strong Yorkshire accent I just have a Northern accent, like people never believe I'm from the place I'm from because I don't sound like I am but you can definitely tell I'm northern... honestly there are so many accents in England... you can drive for two hours in any direction in England and the accent will change like two times at least it's insane... see a lot of people say that but I am not a HUGE fan of the northern accent and I think it's because I grew up there. I much prefer Dani's accent to Jamie's but like I said to me, Jamie just talks normal there is no accent really haha Yeah 4k words for it but it's all jumbled up it's not like a chronological story yet it's just all over the place haha but I hope I can get it all structured properly soon!! Awwh good I'm glad you're already interested in this medieval AU!! That makes sense you're resisting creating for it but I think it's so cool you did a face study for Dani and Jamie even if you didn't wanna finish it I think letting things cook for a while is always a good idea if you're not in the right headspace right away I had such a good weekend but I am so tired and today I had a busy day too celebrating my roommate's boyfriend's birthday so I've had so many days that have been so busy and right now I am just really to sleep haha!! Yeah definitely don't have favourites but I have spent more time with one of my nieces than the others simply because I always look after her if her mum and dad are working and I'm not... like until I start this new job I am looking after her for an hour every day after school while she waits for her mum and dad to finish work but I don't have favourites haha!! Thank you so much I hope you had a great weekend and that you have a great week too!!

[callioope]

I’ve been vague about what has been going on in my life intentionally, both because I needed to tell some people offline first and because it’s a lot to process. 

But here is what happened: I am in the process of miscarrying.

I thought it might help to share my story. Miscarriage is more common than people realize and rarely talked about. If someone can benefit from my story, all the better, but mostly this is to help my grieving and coping process.

This is pretty detailed, so trigger warnings and all that.

Exactly one month ago, I read the results I had longed for: pregnant.

Today, I’m sprawled out on the couch in the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced. 

They don’t tell you that miscarriage is a process.

We’ve been trying to conceive since the end of last June. It was taking so long, I was convinced I’d be scheduling a fertility consultation this coming June. They tell you if you’re under 35, to give it a year. Before we started trying to conceive, I’d tell anyone about how time speeds up the older you get. It makes sense logically, of course, when a year is 1/5 of your life, it sure seems long, but went its 1/32, well... 

But this has been the longest eleven months of my life. The first month we started trying, I had an unusually long cycle. 39 days. I was so sure I was pregnant. My breasts had been hurting for two weeks. Husband and I were vacationing in Minnesota to see Aston Villa play. I bought a pregnancy test, beaming, excited, and was puzzled by the negative result. A week later, when my period came, I cried to my mother, and she said something about the universe saying I wasn’t ready or something. Whatever it was sounded bleak and ominous to my ears. It sounded like it meant I’d never be ready. 

The fall was busy and stressful, and despite all the tedious ovulation test strips, nothing happened except somehow, my period got lighter month by month. I was pretty sure something was wrong with me. I thought I had a UTI. (I was actually stressed and dehydrated, which I eventually remedied.) While I cried at a Sara Bareilles concert in November, my mother told me that her OBGYN said it can take as much at 9 months for the body to recalibrate after being on the pill.

Speaking of which. I’ve been taking the pill for over a decade. For the most part, I took it correctly. There is some leeway to taking it incorrectly, for the record. You can miss two pills in a row and it still has instructions for what to do (while cautioning to be safe and use extra protection). Maybe only once did I ever have to throw out a pack for missing too many in a row. 

(This is maybe neither here nor there, but rebelcaptain accidental pregnancy fics have become a bit of a pet peeve for me. Jyn and Cassian are far too careful and intentional to let that happen, and it is so easy to be responsible since there are so many birth control alternatives these days that don’t even require reliance on routine or memory.)

So, of course, the concern lately is that clearly 10+  years on birth control has messed me up. I do not know this objectively (what I do know is that I have OCD and anxiety and obsess over Everything That Can Go Wrong), but the point is that birth control really can have consequences that I don’t think are necessarily fully understood or studied. DO NOT GET ME WRONG, USE BIRTH CONTROL. My only regret is what I didn’t know.

I learned too late, but a lot of conception advice articles tell you to quit the BC as soon as possible. Even if my mom’s OBGYN is wrong, the general advice does seem to be that it can take up to 3 months for your body to recalibrate. So, if by any chance someone reading this is thinking about conceiving soon, if you take nothing else away from this rant, take this. I wish I had stopped taking the pill a few months before we actually intended to start trying.

After ten months of all this worrying, I finally got what I’d longed for. The moment I saw that positive result, it felt so surreal. There had been little things leading up to that moment, strange hints and signs, like I knew subconsciously even before a test would have been positive. I wrote that Howl’s Moving Castle pregnancy fic before I knew. I started learning “Here Comes the Sun” on my ukulele before I knew (it’s... silly, but I decided I wanted to learn the ukulele because I wanted to be able to play that song for my kids some day). It involves finger picking, so I’d been putting off learning it, but one day I just decided it was time. And finally, I decided to watch the latest season of Brooklyn 99. I’d avoided it because I knew Amy & Jake were also trying to conceive, and it was too emotional for me to watch that when I was so frustrated for how long I was taking. (Of course I didn’t realize they also had trouble, and watching it actually felt cathartic for me.) I got that positive result literally the next morning. 

I spent Monday, April 20, making checklists and spreadsheets. I set my first prenatal appointment for May 8. Those two and a half weeks were the slowest of my life. They stretched out like a rubber band. I couldn’t really focus on anything except this pregnancy I’d waited so long for. That’s probably why time moved so slowly. I wasn’t filling it with the hobbies I enjoyed, writing and playing my ukulele. All my overwhelmed brain could handle was the hilarious distraction of Community. Yeah, this is also around the time I disappeared from fandom. It was originally for a happy reason, I was just too excited to focus!

I know many women who have miscarried. The data seems to vary from source to source, but anywhere between 10% to 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I couldn’t wait to get to the doctor to confirm everything was okay. I wondered if they would do an ultrasound; I dreamed of seeing a fetus on that screen.

We started talking about how we were going to tell our family. We wrote a pretend promotion letter for my sister, promoting her from “sister” to “aunt” (she’s a badass at her job and we had recently been talking about her promotions so it was thematically relevant). We planned to do a video call with my parents where we played Quiplash and created custom answers related to the pregnancy. 

But we never got that chance. On May 8, I went in for my first appointment. I’d spent the last three days sewing a mask because the ones we ordered still haven’t arrived yet. So all the time I would have spent preparing myself for the worst (as is my way) was spent instead distracted by sewing and finishing up Community. 

They took me to an office first and went over medical history questions. “Any morning sickness?” the nurse asked. “Not at all,” I said. “Should I be worried?” “No,” she answered. “Consider yourself lucky!” 

(For the record, many women who carry to term do not ever get morning sickness.)

(It was just one of those unfortunate exchanges.)

Then the exam with the doctor. All in all, it’d probably been 30 or 40 minutes by this point, all of this excited talk. I was going to tell my parents on Mother’s Day. My due date was Christmas.

I video call my husband just in time for the ultrasound. 

There was no embryo. 

The doctor said a lot of women are ovulating later in their cycles due to the stress of the pandemic. At the time, I thought maybe. Hope is funny like that, in the face of logic. It started to grow like a weed in the cracks of my breaking heart. 

But the thing is, even with that stubborn hopeweed, I knew. I’d been doing this for ten months. I knew when my last period was, I knew when I ovulated. I was 7 weeks and 1 day, and there was no embryo, and that was it.

The beginning of the process of miscarriage. 

Technically, it’d started a few days before that appointment, but I was distracted at that time. I’d noticed one morning that there seemed to be more hair in the shower floor than there should be. 

Dots started to connect. My breasts had stopped aching. Now, they started to shrink back to their original size. 

This happened over several days. I felt certain I would miscarry on Mother’s Day; fortunately, that did not happen. No, enough days had to pass for that hopeweed to prosper. Only then, when it whispered maybe would I start spotting and cramping. 

On Tuesday, the second ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. Not viable. Missed miscarriage. Technically, the prescription the doctor hands me reads “missed abortion.” “It’s just the technical term,” the doctor explains, acknowledging that many women might find this triggering. 

I don’t cry as much as I did. I only cry when I tell people. It seems important for people to know, just in case. Just one person in the relevant circles of my life. I had to tell my boss to explain the sudden uptick in unexpected doctor appointments. (I’m Rh negative, so I needed to go to the hospital to get bloodwork and a Rhogam shot -- and being in a hospital these days in anxiety-inducing enough without this trauma.)

It still feels surreal. All of this happened in one month. Somehow my life has changed completely and then reverted back. This is just a blip in my life, relatively, and yet it seems the longest month of my life.

In movies, in stories, miscarriage seems to go the same way: a flash of bloody sheets, a shout of shock and pain, and then grief. I never knew how it really goes: that it would stretch out for weeks, from the moment I saw that first ultrasound to now, twelve days later, just starting to bleed. I’ll have to go back for another ultrasound to confirm it’s done, and if it’s not, then I’ll need surgery. 

This speaks nothing of the grief. 

And then it’s back to square one, a whole year later: ovulation tests and endless waiting. 

It’s been a whole month; it’s been only a month, and miscarriage is a process. 

[frighthouseofalighthouse]

I'M GONNA DO IT TO EM' ALL ASKS THAT YOU REBLOG TONIGHT TILL 10 AM TOMORROW.... DO THEM!!!!

Hey, you had to do it to ‘em! Here they are starting with the most recent.

“Weird asks that say a lot”

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs because you can use them for everything. Teacups are too small for a proper cuppa.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars always.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum, which I miss so much. I haven’t had it in over 2 years bc of my braces

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

I didn’t go to public school but all the adults who dealt with me said I was sociable and tried to get everyone to do the group projects but no one listened so I ended up sitting alone reading and quietly doing the project.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Glass BOTTLES make it taste superior.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel boho preppy goth best describes my style.

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds, but only rubber tipped ones. The plastic ones never fit in my ears. Also headphones never cover my whole ear right. :/

8. movies or tv shows?

TV shows keep my attention span better.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Brewing thunderstorms.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None. But trampoline if I had to pick.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Scrambled eggs, peanut butter toast, and some kind of fruit.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

My main one is Things You Love. My one for writing is Queen And Country, and my other two favorites are Summer Songs and A Queen Knows How To Fight A War.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Key ring, lanyards get in the way.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Swedish Fish or Sour Patch Kids.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

OH MAN. To Kill A Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, Fahrenheit 451, The Grapes Of Wrath, and The Handmaid’s Tale were definitely my top 5 in English class.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Curled up sideways in an armchair with my legs slung over the arm. Sitting normally sucks.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Either pair of my black boots, or my pink floral Skechers that I wear to work.

18. ideal weather?

60 degrees, cloudy, windy, with a chance of rain.

19. sleeping position?

On my right side, arms around a fluffy pillow, one leg out straight and the other drawn up with my knee to my chest.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop. I’m trying to exercise my hand and wrist so I don’t tire as quick of notebook writing, though.

21. obsession from childhood?

History, Nancy Drew books, Harry Potter, and ghost stories.

22. role model?

The person I am but don’t think I am.

23. strange habits?

Pulling my shirt collar up over my nose and mouth/putting it in my mouth and chewing on it.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst, my birthstone! Close second is blue goldstone. (Have you ever seen it? It looks like the universe. I have a worrystone made of blue goldstone and it’s one of my prized possessions.)

25. first song you remember hearing?

Something from church probably. Outside of church probably one of these: If I Had A Hammer // Peter, Paul and Mary, Puff The Magic Dragon // Peter, Paul and Mary, Scarborough Fair // Simon & Garfunkel, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald // Gordon Lightfoot.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Sit in the shade.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Drink tea, read, and play either Pokemon or Nancy Drew and the Clue Benders Society on my 3DS.

28. five songs to describe you?

The Pines // Roses & Revolutions, I Am Here // Pink, Walk Me Home // Pink, Call Home // Heathers (not the musical), Traveler’s Song // Aviators

29. best way to bond with you?

Talk to me about history, crime, musicals, books, or tv shows

30. places that you find sacred?

Natural swamps. Libraries. Old, overgrown gardens. Anywhere historic. Pine forests at dusk. Anywhere under a clear night sky.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

A plaid shirt, black leggings, and black boots with dark neutral lipstick and a black choker.

32. top five favorite vines?

Fre she vocado, BENTLEY NOOOOO, uhhh I sure hope it does, the one of Lin Manuel-Miranda trying to brainstorm, and this bitch empty YEEt

33. most used phrase in your phone?

Idk how to find this out

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Idk if this is just a local thing here but WOW ITS NATURESTONE

35. average time you fall asleep?

12-1 nowadays.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

I can haz cheezburger

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Depends. Suitcase for things like my laptop that are better protected than in a duffel bag, but duffel bag otherwise because they’re easier to carry.

38. lemonade or tea?

TEAAAAA

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Both please

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

My house? We had a safe word when we did math. It was “quokka.” If we got overwhelmed we’d say it and then stop and look at pictures of quokkas.

41. last person you texted?

My friend and coworker.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Cardigan or hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

Lavender

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy. It takes me a bit to get into fantasy books usually, but sci-fi is hard to follow and superhero is mostly predictable.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Fuzzy pants and a t shirt

47. favorite type of cheese?

Muenster, parmesan, or goat cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Raspberry

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“I have no country to fight for. My country is the earth, and I am a citizen of this world.” - Eugene V. Debs

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

A weird local political ad a couple years back.

51. current stresses?

My recent breakup, an overnight shift I work on Wednesday night, and trying to find time to go out to a corn maze with my friend.

52. favorite font?

Baskerville or Georgia.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Covered in small cuts and scrapes from work, nails picked short, black nail polish mostly peeled off.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

babysitting job: Kids suck never have more than one. Retail job: being on your fee it hardddd

55. favorite fairy tale?

Beauty and the Beast or Rapunzel

56. favorite tradition?

Looking at Halloween decorations

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Cutting, being manipulated by my dad, and letting other people make me believe I wasn’t good enough (still working on that one)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, puzzle-solving, singing, and calligraphy

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Oh shit waddup”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

One of those preppy gothic private school animes with a dark secret lurking around the corner

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Book: “Ignoring isn’t the same as ignorance. You have to work at it.” - The Handmaid’s Tale. Movie: “It’s not about deserve. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in love.” - Wonder Woman. TV Show: “I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.” - Doctor Who.

62. seven characters you relate to?

Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Remus Lupin, Richard Gansey III, Blue Sargent, Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury.

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Same five that I said describe me.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Webkinz and the old American Girl site circa 2009.

65. any permanent scars?

One down my chest from heart surgery as a baby, lots from self harm on my arms/legs, some on my left knee from falling as a kid, and one on the back of my right heel from being pecked by a goose at the fair when I was 11.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Sunflowers, roses, and dahlias.

67. good luck charms?

Myself.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Ranch anything.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Jellyfish have no brains and no heart.

70. left or right handed?

I’m third generation left handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

Vertical stripes.

72. worst subject?

Math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Wendy’s fries and chocolate frosty.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

7. Usually I just ignore it because I have a “high pain tolerance” (which means I like to put myself through minor pains because I think I deserve it)

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

Age 5. I was trying to blow up an inflatable ball and it came out.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

ALL POTATOES EXCEPT POTATO SALAD

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Violets.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Neither, both suck equally.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Never had a school id so I guess the license

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Earth tones for me

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

...They are literally the same thing

82. pc or console?

PC

83. writing or drawing?

Writing. I absolutely cannot draw.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts, talk radio is so obnoxious.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie. The clothes are easier to take on and off. I used to accidentally rip polly pocket clothes all the time.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology. I like it because it explains things, it’s creation stories, its origins. Fairy tales are just fantasies or cautionary tales.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies.

87. your greatest fear?

Rejection, drowning, and clowns.

88. your greatest wish?

To be a semi-successful author and historian.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom.

90. luckiest mistake?

Not succeeding in killing myself!

91. boxes or bags?

Bags.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Dim lamps if they have yellow bulbs. I hate white lights. And also fairy lights yes please.

93. nicknames?

Ellie, Ell, Little Lion, Lioness.

94. favorite season?

FALLLLL

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr, Spotify, or Instagram.

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

6.

98. favorite historical era?

Revolutionary War-era America or late Victorian England.

THIS GOT REALLY LONG AND I DONT WANNA HIT THE TEXT BLOCK LIMIT SO IMMA DO ALL THE HALLOWEEN ONES SEPARATELY, MAYBE IN THE MORNING.

[icharchivist]

hey icha whats hypmic??

Heyaaa and ooooh dear where do i even begin…..

Erg so in very short it’s a musical mixed media story that have kind of a corny set up that is mostly an excuse to have fictional male characters of different background involve themselves into rap battles? Most of its content comes from songs and drama CD, even if there are a few manga adaptation covering a couple of the drama tracks (albeit all those covered are how the teams got together and all).

In a little more depth: Basically a group of 12 Seiyuu decided to band together into a principe of rap battle, that would also give a spotlight to multiple rap artists in Japan, as they do collaboration by writting/composing the songs. All of the Seiyuu play different characters divided in 4 divisions: Buster Bros!! for Ikebukuro, Mad Trigger Crew for Yokohama, Fling Posse for Shibuya, and Matenrou for Shinjuku. Each divisions/characters have distinct styles of music or text to differenciate them.

The idea is that, after World War 3 and a lot of the population dying, weapons causing harms had been outlawed, instead remplaced by what we call Hypnosis Microphone (or Hypmic), weapons that attack the brain via its sonic vibes, thus are more powerful depending on how savy you are with words and sounds and all of that. (like i said, it’s corny, it’s really just a pretext for the battles ahah)

The Government, that is kinda shady, took hold into Chuuouku, the center of the city, and the rest of the towns are left to fend for their own, indulging in territories battles. By the time the story start, 4 teams have taken a hand into 4 divisions where they try their best to low the crime rate and make life better, this sort of stuff. Recently however, the Government decided to keep a closer eye on the Rap Battle themselves, organizing huge Event in Chuuouku for the Divisions to fight each other, and the winner can therefore have major impact on what gets developped in the city and all.

It’s also important to know that the 4 leaders of the divisions, Ichiro, Samatoki, Ramuda and Jakurai, used to be in a band together, The Dirty Dawg, and they were very close - Something ended up breaking up the band (it is unsure what it is exactly) and left them with sort of bittersweet relationship with each other as they’re now in a position where they have to fight each other.

Again though most of it is mostly a pretext for songs and character driven plotlines for those 12 to fuck shit up: 

(here a link to the translation, and here’s a link for the playlist of the songs they put on youtube - mostly previews except for the Ensemble songs - i can send the full songs/drama CDs but in private since it’s… illegal and all.You’ll find all the translations out on this website, and here you’ll find the drama tracks. And there for the solo songs only but idk how long this website will keep them up.)

(btw here’s the second ensemble song and here’s the third one - i tend to prefer them to the first one so here they are)

So like i said, corny, but character driven and i love those morons, and the songs are bangers, and i ended up loving it ways too much.

I’ll enter more in depth on the Divisions under the cut bc i do think knowing a bit the characters give a better idea but yeah kdjfhd my latest obsession rip.

If you’re reading this i’m so sorry i’m going to geek out over my 12 stupid sons.

btw (MC: ___) is their scene names, basically.

And erg while i try to avoid spoilers from the latest season, there’s a lot of “spoilers” from backstory exposition or information spreads through the drama tracks and the songs, so either just scroll to see the name and all or read at your own risks? 

Buster Bros!!! representing Ikebukuro Division - in red, Ichiro Yamada (19yo) the leader,in blue, Jiro Yamada (16yo), in yellow Saburo Yamada (14). (Previews of their solo songs, preview of their first group song Ikebukuro West Game Park, their second group song: Ohayo Ikebukuro!)

Ichiro, Jiro and Saburo are brothers - they are orphans (unknown why but since Ichiro rejects any fathr figure p strongly i think it’s linked to their father) and Ichiro, the eldest brother, had taken care of his two little brothers most of his life to the point of being a delicant before being recruited by the Dirty Dawg. Before the story started the boys weren’t all that close, but by now, both little brothers want to prove their worth to their eldest brothers and when the Dirty Dawg broke up and Ichiro had to figure out which team to make for the Rap Battles, both brothers offered to help. Despite both being ways too young for this they still both ended up proving themselves. They also tend to fight for their big brother’s attention a lot.

Ichiro (MC Big Brother) himself seems to be a rather warm and friendly person - he works odd jobs all around town, kind of like a mercenary but doing just… any sort of work being asked of him, just not in the illegal stuff when he can avoid it. He’s rather hot headed. He used to be very close from the Dirty Dawg who took care of him when they met, especially Samatoki, but since the band’s break up, it seems there is a particularly sour relationship with Samatoki neither of them are over with. Ichiro often disses Samatoki out of nowhere in his raps lmao. Aside from that he’s a complete geek and loves manga and anime and video game - all the stuff you’d expect.

Jiro, (MC Middle Brother) the second, tends to follow Ichiro’s path a lot, being a bit in delincance and stuff, creating himself a web of contacts. He tends to copy Ichiro in his passions in order to impress him. He’s also very social and get friends very easily. He’s constantly bickering with Saburo who seems to see their “brotherhood” as a competition. They used to be very close when they were younger but now they’re always at each other’s throat.

Saburo (MC Little Brother), the third, doesn’t really want to follow the path of his brothers but he wants to be useful in his own way. Incredibly clever, he is a very good hacker and can find information very quickly. He also has some of the sickest burn of the lot but i’m biased. Unlike Jiro, Saburo is really not social at all and has very few friends. His whole world is about being the best he can be for Ichiro.He likes things that can stimulate his brian, especially board games and the likes. 

Mad Trigger Crew, representing Yokohama Divison- Center in white, Samatoki Aohitsugi(25) the Leader - with glasses, Juuto Iruma (29), in military uniform, Riou Busujima Manson (28).(Previews of their solo songs, preview of their first group song: Yokohama Walker, their second group song: Dead Pools)

If The BB are linked by the fact they’re brothers, MTC is linked by being….. Involved in armed illegal activities? Samatoki is the second in command of a Yakuza family, Juuto is a corrupted cop who is close to Samatoki because of… work…. and Riou kinda ended up tagging along. Anyway they’re in charge of Yokohama which seems to be a part of the city that suffered pretty badly from the war and have high crime rates.

In more details, Samatoki (MC Mr Hardcore) is involved in the mafia. He explains in his personal song that his mother killed his abusive father before killing herself, leaving him to take care of his little sister, Nemu, which is what led him to a life of crime. His Yakuza clan seems to have a honor code though so they’re not involved in too much dirty stuff. Every sacrifice Samatoki did was for his sister. So obviously he saw a bit of himself in Ichiro when they originally met, and was one of the influencial force to keep Ichiro out of the crime life knowing pretty well where it’s headed. The Band breakup left a particularly sour taste in Samatoki’s mouth regarding Ichiro, feeling betrayed by whatever happened back then, and since then he tends to be. touchy. when it’s question of Ichiro. As in, almost caused a car crash while he wasn’t driving just thinking about Ichiro. He’s a mess. He’s also very short tempered. 

Juuto (MC 45 Rabbit) is a corrupted cop: while he works with the police and all the stuff, he has ties with Samatoki’s yakuza clan and will do shady stuff in order to maintain this alliance. Mostly blackmail, bailing Samatoki out of jail, all this sort of things. He seems to have a specific reason to accept it, a necessary evil to get rid of wickedness in the city. Juuto’s backstory was only developped in the latest drama tracks so it would count as spoilers but let’s say he has reasons to do so.He’s generally more down to earth and more tongue in cheek. He knows how to pick up people’s weaknesses let’s say.

Riou (MC Crazy M) is an army man who isn’t aware the war is over. He has been living in survival mode in the forest of Yokohama for the past few years, having also one of the prototype Hypnosis Mic, with more raw power. His hobbies is to cook from… unusual sources. Samatoki and Juuto are terrified by his cooking.  There isn’t much revealed yet about Riou’s backstory however. Juuto found out about him and put him in contact with Samatoki when it was question to develop MTC, and they have since then developped a companionship of sort.

Fling Posse, representing Shibuya Division (also they’re my favs❤ which will be obvious in two mins bc i rambled much more about them holy fuck)- In the middle with pink hair, Ramuda Amemura (24), with brown hair, Gentaro Yumeno (24), with blue hair, Dice Arisugawa (20)(Previews of their solo songs, preview of their first group song, Shibuya Marble Texture, their second group song: Stella (aka my most listened hypmic song that made me unhealthily obsessed with the series) )

I don’t even know where to start with them. Don’t be fooled by how cute they look, they’re the most shady group. Officially, they’ve all been recruited by Ramuda “only for the thrill of it”, “To kill boredom”, but it also happens that they are the three with the most ties to the government. But none of them tend to really talk about it. Not really. They are very “living in the present” kind of people, even if it comes with risks. Ramuda gathered them for his own agenda. Neither Gentaro nor Dice knew each other before Ramuda put them together and neither know why Ramuda gathered them aside as “for the thrill”. Gentaro however has major doubts over the kind of person Ramuda is. 

Ramuda (MC Easy R) is their leader. He is a fashion designer. He was the one who put the Dirty Dawg together back in the days, and seems to have… weird reasons to do anything he’s ever doing. Honestly i don’t know how to even touch how shady he is, but he’s all shade of shady. He will however always sound super cute. The only person he seems to not bear the sight of is Jakurai, his ex-teammate from the Dirty Dawg. They used to be very close but now things are very tense in between them, mostly with Ramuda setting as much distances as possible he can and hardly managing to remain cheerful around him. 

Gentaro (MC Phantom) is a writter and also a chronic liar. You litterally cannot trust a single thing coming out of his mouth, he’s always making something up. His personal song is supposed to talk about his past but there’s like, a big lie in the begining of it (”I was born in winter” yOU’RE BORN ON APRIL THE FIRST.). One thing that is certain about him however, is that he has a friend who is very sick and at the hospital and that it seems to be the motivation behind all of his lies, as he started to make up fictions to cheer up his friend and turned his own life into a fiction by extension. There’s more shady stuff about him and his past, i could discuss it for hours (he’s my fav kdhfd). But mostly, he’s just the kind to tease people a lot and to not really expect to have friends that stick arounds, considering himself a untrustworthy unredeemable trash. He has a weird dynamic with his own sense of self, always making up false selves. I legit could talk for hours about it kdjhfd.  He tends to over-tease Dice because Dice falls for every single of his lies, and he tends to have a soft spot for him. He’s also extremely observant since he writes story he makes up from people he observes, so he catches on stuff more easily. Gentaro’s lyrics are often more inclined toward poetry or well, work of fictions (he wrote Stella in verse and Stella is kindof a Posse!Au of how Gentaro sees the Posse. Stellaaaaaa)

Dice (MC Dead or Alive)  is… a professional disaster? Joke aside, he’s a gambler who tends to push his luck a loooot. (there’s a lot of implications about how he doesn’t have a stable place to crash in because most of his rent money go into gambling). His outlook on life are really mostly that he wants to live a life that gives him legit thrills. He hates being bored. It’s heavily implied that he comes from a rich, influencial family but threw it all away for his addiction.  The only reason he agreed to join the Posse was for the thrill the rap battles would provide. He also kinda considers himself a lowrate trash due to the lifestyle he’s living.He’s rather guilible, falling for every single of Gentaro’s lies despite how obvious they are, and gets teased a lot by both of his teammates. He’s also fiercely protective and combative. He is also the king of bad decisions and of having to drag his posse in them. (well mostly Gentaro). He’s also loves the Posse in itself and is the one who’s the most likely to brag about how great his band is. He genuinely loves his teammates and it makes me so soft,,. He’s also very perceptive, realizing very quickly when his teammates are changing their mood. And again he protecc,,

Matenrou - Representing Shinjuku DivisionCenter with purple hair: Jakurai Jinguji (35), the blond is Hifumi Izanami (29) and the gingerhead is Doppo Kannonzaka (29)(Previews of their solo songs, preview of their first group song, Shinjuku Style, their second group song: Papiyon that wasn’t put on youtube yet but should in a couple of weeks)

Matenrou is the band with the darkest aesthetic, protecting the Shinjuku’s division that came to be known mostly for the health problems, if i understand well also because the only functioning hospital is located there. Jakurai is a doctor and Doppo is his patient, while Hifumi is Doppo’s childhood friend and roomate. They end up tangled together after Hifumi gets threats on his life pushing Doppo to reach out for Jakurai, who took an interest on them as possible teammates when everything unfolded. 

Jakurai (MC ill-Doc) is… an interesting character i dare not to spoil the backstory of but let’s say he has some dark past. As a person however, he is fascinated by people’s psychee, how they work, what pushes them to do stuff, and is therefore attracted to “interesting people”, people that makes him want to explore human’s psychee. Back in the Dirty Dawg’s day, it was what drove Jakurai to be very interested in Ramuda…. Until he considered Ramuda’s humanity too lost to be saved after the band broke up, which Jakurai blames partially on Ramuda. Ramuda remains the only person to have ever made Jakurai lose his patience. Otherwise, Jakurai is a rather collected and a very kind man, who tries to reach out and help others when he can. But again, dark past and stuff and some shady stuff went on with Ramuda. He found an interest in Doppo and Hifumi as he got to know them and now is rather protective of the two of them, often going fishing with Hifumi and doing anything to uplift Doppo.He’s also a terrible drinker. Don’t let him drink.He has one of my favorite solo song though and he has a sort of goth existantialism vibe to him i just love. 

Hifumi (MC Gigolo) is Doppo’s childhood best friend and roomate. Now Hifumi’s story is a bit huh.. particular. When he was very young he had had a very traumatic experience with women that led him to be utterly terrified of being even nearby one. When he reached adulthood, he considered he couldn’t keep going like that and forced himself into a woman dominated space by becoming a Host, to overcome his fear. It was so hard on him however that he ended up… coping by considering that when he was wearing the Suit of the Host, he was a complete different person. Not quite split personality, but autosuggestion mostly. He gets into all sort of troubles with the suit on however. The only person he relies completely on is Doppo, whom he knows from childhood and with whom he lives. Hifumi is a good cook, and is always trying to cheer up his friend. because…

Doppo (MC Doppo) is an anxious disaster of a man. He’s your typical overworked office worker, who is handling this life pretty badly. He feels like his whole life is something he should be apologizing for, which he does all the time. He’s honestly unhealthily anxious and that’s why he is Jakurai’s patient.  He’s seriously a depressed, anxious disaster who’s only light seems to mostly be that Hifumi cheers on him all the time… when Hifumi doesn’t create a terrible situation Doppo feels like he has to apologize for. However Doppo is someone you can rely on, with a lot of frustration bottled inside him to the  point of it becoming an amazing weapon once unleashed with the rap battles. He’s very quick and ressourceful when put into extreme lifethreatening situation, which got Jakurai’s attention a lot. 

So this is the main divisions and characters. There are more developped via the drama CDs obviously, more plot and all, but that’s the gist of it. Honestly again it’s just a pretext for characters and songs that fits their characters. 

I personally never expected to care about it that much - i have friends who had been talking about it for over a year and i just knew it a bit in passing until i started to casually listen to the songs - and then i went down the rabbit hole when i ended up loving the songs too much to not care for the characters. (Stella was my breaking point though. The moment it came out I was lost. This was the moment i dedicated myself to it. I could go on a full ramble just on Stella alone.)

And yeah it kinda shows i have a major bias but my favs are truly the Posse - both as characters and as music style goes. Close second is Matenrou though i love their aesthetics.

the first battle season is over, it’s easy to know from their youtube how it unfolded ahah. The first round was BB VS MTC, the second FP VS MTR. Each rounds came with drama CD setting up the dynamics of the characters in and out of their bands, which was pretty cool. 

After the First Battle Season ended we were blessed with a drama track and song from the Dirty Dawg era which is why i cannot stop shutting the fuck up about it dkjhfd it makes me so sad to look back to how close they were and how they threw all of this away…. 

Now a new season is starting but this is where we’re missing translations so we just… wait. 

There are a few manga that covers a few of the drama tracks but not all, and there will be a mobile game soon. 

But yeah that’s. that’s basically the basis. 

And it is far too entertaining to me kdjhfd

and i probably shouldn’t have written all of that with a killer headache but i,, love they,,,

so yeah this is all there is to know. If you’ve read it this far… i admire your patience. Thank u

And take care!

[across-the-music]

Long post about my ED, recovery, and self love

A number of things have happened these past few days that call out for a reflection.

I have an eating disorder. I've lived my life with this partner for around six years, since I was only twelve years old. With ups and downs I've been on a journey for recovery. This is path is a constant struggle, that requires a lot of effort, and it never truly ends.

I'm not overweight. I do have a body that doesn't exactly fit into society's model look. I'm short, I have big hips, a large back, thick legs and huge butt. And I have done terrible things to this body of mine, because it doesn't fit into society's ideal.

And in the past few years, even though I don't starve myself anymore, even though I've stopped puking and even though I gravitated into a "healthy" lifestyle (exercise, good meals) there's always a voice in the back of my head saying I'm fat and guilty for it. As if I was guilty of living.

So I still exercise and count calories. Or I did. Things changed a bit this year. And I couldn't be happier.

I have two friends who don't have a diagnosed ED. They haven't been checked out by doctors, they haven't had their brains poked by psychologists and psychiatrists. But they struggle with their "not pretty for society" bodies. They struggle with food. With self esteem. With living.

One of them tells me they cry in front of a mirror when they have to go out clubbing because they can't find anything that, according to her mom, looks good on her. She's beautiful. And this is not me talking, this is every guy she has eating from the palm of her hand. And everybody mocks her because she is allegedly fat. When she's not even chubby. So she struggles with that constant reminder that she doesn't fit into society.

I keep more in touch with the other friend because we're closer, and we have conversations about this topic pretty often. Because pretty often she reminds herself she hates her body. She talks to me about it because I understand her, because I know how it feels, and I find myself reliving moments of my life through her.

Yesterday, she told me she was not going to a party because there was a pool and she can't wear bikinis nor see other girls with bikinis, because she knows she doesn't look like them.

The first 3 years of my recovery I invented excuses to my friends in order to avoid going out with them. I said I couldn't stand fast food so I wouldn't have to eat at McDonald's or Burger King. Because I couldn't eat that many calories. My brain wouldn't let me. Now I feel I skipped years of my life because of that.

I didn't eat at quinceañera's parties, I didn't eat at parties in general. And I have developed digestive problems because I kept myself away of certain foods. I'm lactose intolerant and I now I'll never be able to share pizza with friends (tho I also hate it bc melted cheese is gross, but that's besides the point) because I swear it makes me feel terrible abdominal pain.

I hated guys because I constantly felt they were thinking how ugly I really look and that has deprived me from enjoying things like sex, nights out, and even relationship attempts. Because it felt like drowning having to eat in front of a guy. I constantly felt boys were judging me.

ED's affect your health but they also affect your social life and that has an emotional impact that is hard to explain. I felt guilty when doing all of those things: going out with friends, eating at McDonald's, undressing in front of someone else, wearing shorts, tanktops and bikinis, taking pictures of myself (did I mention I only started taking photos and uploading them on instagram on my second year of recovery?), dating, eating the entire plate of a meal even if it was so delicious I wanted more. I felt guilty for living. For living a normal teenage life.

This year I have made amazing progress, of course taking into consideration the advances I made in past years of recovery. I've enjoyed myself, I've done things I had never done like eating full meals and eating fast food more than once a year. Because I felt comfortable. Because people made me feel comfortable.

And I have to mention that these past few months have been very important, because I have never felt more in peace with my own body. I'd like to clarify that I still have that voice in the back of my head but I can ignore it like a champ. And it all has to do with the people that surround me.

The second friends has recently found a boyfriend. And she told me yesterday that she doesn't want him to see her because she's disgusting. They don't have intimacy.

I have also recently started dating someone (actually it's been a couple of months). I realised something changed thanks to his constant reminders that I am beautiful.

I was on a trip this year that students completing high school traditionally do here, and it consists of going out clubbing every night. Night outfits were a nightmare for me, because of my body type.

I sent pics of my outfits every night of this trip to my partner and oh my god he made feel like the prettiest, sexiest girl on the planet. And so I didn't mind if the tanktop I bought didn't look like it did on the mannequin when I wore it.

We went out eating. And I could it with freedom, because even if he mocks me and calls me gordita (which is "fatty" but has a different connotation here, it's a like a loving pet name), he tells how obsessed he is with my legs, my ass and my body in general. He tells me how my fat cheeks are so puffy he loves to squeeze them because he feels happy and how he thinks they're the prettiest things he's ever seen. Because even when I feel disgusting he tells me I look gorgeous.

And so my friend hasn't had sex with his boyfriends because she can't overcome this imposition of society to have a certain body. And I can safely say I have never felt more comfortable undressing in front of someone than with this guy.

So much so that yesterday I wore a bikini in front of everyone and I felt confident about myself. He has given me confidence.

And I've never gone out so much to bars and restaurants, I have never wore so many different outfits, I have never felt so much love for this body. And it's because of this new environment. Because of my friend's telling me I look pretty. Because of my boyfriend making me feel safe. And because of feminism. It has given me the tools to accept that the normative that society has made us praise IS WRONG, is unreal. It has given me the ability to perform art with my body in front of everyone and not be afraid to do it. Because there's not reason to be afraid of living.

And now I eat. I eat everything. I enjoy snacks with friends, I enjoy beer, and I enjoy dinner dates. I don't feel guilty anymore.

I feel like I'm getting back all the years and experiences anorexia took away from me. And I won't stop untill my friends can feel the same way.

[secndlife]

karol!!! happy belated bday!! i hope you had the most wonderful celebration 🥳🥳🥳

you have excellent taste in choreos bc all of those are my faves too! i would also add home;run probs, but FALLIN FLOWER!!! genuinely one of the best, if not THE best, choreos ever. i am obsessed 😭

love your kiss marry kill choices (lowkey would do the same, just switch cheol and soonyoung lol)

so i love LOVE the whole city girl/boy in the country so ngl would love to see you vibe w vernon in a rice paddy LOL

i'm glad you liked the movie question!! cheol in an action movie plz (i spent like an hour saving photos of him in sleeveless shirts bye). why do i see him bickering w his partner while on a mission but also maybe...flirting????

PLZ JEONGHAN THAT ENERGY!!! goes back to what you said abt how you can mold him so easily, but that concept is PERFECT! 10/10 would read if you ever decide to write smth like that 👀

jihoon musical yes plz! speaking of hsm, this is totally off topic, but i rewatched hsm and they rly didn't give Kelsey any lines in the 2nd one ��� maybe like 3...anyways.

seokmin romcom YES. BOY NEXT DOOR!?!?!?! omg i love these answers. i've never seen no reservations, but i watched the trailer and i see it for mingyu!

minghao indie vibes -- so true. like so so so true. one of those like A24 films or smth! thought provoking, emotional type movies

i think for me, i would rly love to see jun in a sad romance, idk silent boarding gate gave me some ideas but jun actor would be fun :(( there's this taiwanese movie i like called our times, and i think cheol would be fun as like hsu taiyu (think: bad boy, but actually soft and very smart)

oh! and before i forget, if you'd like to make a playlist for me (i think that's the next mission?), i am open to almost anything! i'm not super picky, it can be top faves or maybe an mmf sequel playlist or whatever you'd like :) i love discovering new music so, if that's something you have time for and would like to do, i'd love to see your recs! lmk if you want more specific parameters or smth lol, but just thought i'd keep it pretty open for now!

(sorry this ended up being longer than i expected ashdjfkglglh)

- 🍳

HI BESTIE IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO RESPOND

thank you 🥺🥺🥺 i had great celebrations thank you 🥺

OMG!!! CHOREO TWINS!!!! fallin flower is literally one of the prettiest choreos i've ever seen, really. the formations and everything GOD IT'S BREATHTAKING!!!!!!!! home;run is fun too!

i mean cheol IS husband material but i think we would clash too much :/// AND HONESTLY soonyoung is a great choice for kill like have you seen his mfucking lips????? literally the prettiest lips ever!!!!!!

AKLSDJALSDJAKD PLS I'M THEE CITY GIRL AKSDHJASKDJHASDK vernon lets go !!!!

the movie question was so creative really your brain !!! so big !! and yes cheol suits action movies a lot he is so buff pls sir! and YES! HE WOULD FLIRT SO MUCH!!!!!! i mentioned the killers but also something like this is war would be so good!

for jeonghan MAYBE WHO KNOWS but i think this whole dynamic is perfect for him. imagine like when he REALIZES the way it hits him aklsdjalkdjskld

JIHOON MUSICAL KING LETS GO and kelsey pls she was so underrated i was happy that they gave her a bit more space on 3 but she is literally responsible for everything so she deserved better !!!!

PLEASE SEOKMIN SUITS BOY NEXT DOOR VIBES SO MUCH LIKE THAT KIND KIND NEIGHBOOR THAT IS JUST SO CUTE AND KINDA SHY NEAR YOU AND THAT SINGS ALL DAY LONG AND YOU JUST 🥺🥺 urghghasdasdh !!!! seok best boy! and yes no reservations mingyu especially as the male lead is like. WARM. you know. and hao indie king like those movies that would only show in small cinemas aklsdjalksdj

jun omg yes!!!!!!! silent boarding gate ://////// i watched the trailer for our times it seems so fun!!!!! i added to my watching list. and you know who i think can also suit this idea? wonu!!!

OK SO I MADE TWO PLAYLISTS !!!!

the s in svt stands for serotonin: kinda self explanatory? svt songs that make me generally happy and that i listen to when i'm in a good mood

karol's recent replays: 10 songs that i've been listening to a lot recently in no particular order!

I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM AND THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING GOOD!!!!!!! MWAH!!!!

[almightyhollands]

fun tag things

Rules: if you’re tagged you have to answer these questions and then tag another 10 blogs that you’re mutuals that you want to get to know

i was tagged by my sweet angels @parkerroos and @nedandpeter

Tags: @tomhollandisthicc @hufflepuffholland @spideyboys @spideyyss @yukanda-tsuyoi @peter-parkers-underoos @boyfriendtom @spiderparkerboy @tomhollandish @parkerpete

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my pal porter

2. Are you outgoing or shy? outgoing but quiet.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best friend who is away at college 

4. Are you easy to get along with? i like to think so.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? probably bc were buddies and he is a nice dude

6. What kind of person are you attracted to? awkward awkward awkward but funny! are always soooo nice and outgoing and are almost always blonde (not this time heyo) really tenacious and intelligent and are just actual sweethearts who need to be protected

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? lol no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? this stupid dumb guy

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? @nedandpeter i feel like i was helpful AT ALL but kass says i was bc shes and angel so

11. What does the most recent text you sent say? “you are the WORST”

12. What are your top 5 songs rn? 

high - sir sly // maisie and neville - david beats goliath // something for your m.i.n.d. - superorganism // 1-800-273-8255 - logic // 19 seventy sumthin’ - neck deep

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? depends on who it is but if it’s the right person its EUPHORIC

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yes!

15. What good thing happened this summer? i got a job!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? no

17. Do you think there’s life on other planets? yEs people who think we’re the only ones pout there make my brain implode

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Yeah!

19. Do you love bubble baths? yes!

20. Do you like your neighbours? YES I LOVE THEM

21. What are your bad habits? i have an obsessive personality, touching my face, skipping class.

22. Where would you like to travel? africa for sure, australia, netherlands.

23. Do you have trust issues? some days i think all i have are trust issues

24. Favourite part of your daily routine? coming home from work and taking off my pants

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? mystomach or my butt chin lol

26. What do you do when you wake up? go to the bathroom, get on phone/turn on music, get dressed, sometimes do my makeup, make myself late to school

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regretted breaking up? never had an ex bc commitment issues but this guy i used to talk to told me he wished we worked out which counts i think

30. Do you ever want to get married? Y E S

31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail? yep

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? im vanilla af + im bad at sharing

33. Spell your name with your chin. ou

34. Do you play any sports? i run!

35. Would you rather live without tv or music? tv i listen to music 24/7

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? literally all the time

37. What do you say during an awkward silence? “whats in your mi9nd right now?”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? tall, nce, funny, considerate. loves me because of my weird ass quirks and not in spite of them, is conscious of the mark he leaves on society but doesnt let others opinions affect that. someone who will laugh at my stupid jokes and will jam out in the car with mew whether it be big time rush/aerosmith/with confidence/whatever. (i have hella high standards holla)

39. What’s your favourite store to shop in? pink

40. Who do you want to do after high school? i wanna go to college + get a teaching degree in theatre education

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? depends on what they did 

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean ? im usually pretty quiet but if im super quiet im probably annoyed or upset.

43. Do you smile at strangers? sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or the bottom or the ocean? yikes probably the ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? the amount of tardies i have in my first period classes.

46. What are you paranoid about? ruining things for myself

47. Have you ever been high? nah

48. Have you ever been drunk? yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? i write porn for the internet, there are a lot of things i dont want people to find out about.

50. What’s the colour of the last hoodie you wore? blue

51. Ever wished you were someone else? no. ive wished i was differnet but i never wished i was someone else.

52. One thing you could change about yourself? probably my body heyo

53. Favourite makeup brand? abs or elf

54. Favourite store? pink

55. Favourite blog? DONT DO THIS TO ME

56. Favourite colour? black or yellow

57. Favourite food? chicken strips bc im eight

58. Last thing you ate? pizza

59. First think you ate this morning? soup

60. Ever won a competition? yes

61. Ever been suspended/ expelled? no

62. Ever been arrested? no ma’am

63. Ever been in love? yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss ? wow okay i was 13 and it was with this kid ive known literally all my life and we were in his backyard and i said something stupid and he was like “haha youre cute” (i wasnt) and i was like “shut up no im not” and then we kissed and yeah

65. Are you hungry rn? NO IM GOING TO EXPLODE

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more that your real friends? i love both them both equally in different ways

67. Facebook or twitter? twitter

68. Twitter or tumblr? tumblr

69. Are you watching tv rn? no

70. Names of your best friends: annie, seth, porter, tristan, kass, lyss, ruby, izzy

71. Are you craving anything? my boy ew

72. What colour are your towels? yellow and grey

73. How many pillows to you sleep with? two

74. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no

75. Favourite animal? DOGS

76. What colour is your underwear? black

77. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? mint chocolate chip

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? white

80. What colour pants? black

81. Favourite tv show? the office or brooklyn nine-nine!

82. Favourite movie? probably wolf of wall street or the amazing spiderman

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? NUMBER ONE ALL THE WAY

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street: yikes probs 21js

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? damien

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? SQUIRT

87. First person you talked to today? my mom :-)

88. Last person you talked to today? my best friend whoop

89. Name a person you hate: this girl at my school who’s obnoxious + entitled

90. Name a person you love: my best friend :-)))

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face rn? boys that wont fall in love with me

92. In a fight with someone? nope nope

93. How many sweatpants do you own? ??? a lot?

94. How many sweats/hoodies do you own? 3 dresser drawers worth + 3 in  my trunk

95. Last movie you watched? Return To Me :,-))

[acxisms]

yes, it is i, your local mess. back with none other than my child ace zhu. as always i’m a mess with intros and i’m just ?? excited to have my lil bab back pls. his STATS page is there, and i have some PLOT ideas --- but otherwise, if you want to plot give me a lil heart ?? or hit me up on d*scord ( STAN PARKER#8932 ). MENTIONS OF FAMILY DEATH,  ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT, VICTIM BLAMING, AND ABUSE ( MENTAL, PHYSICAL ), UNDER THE CUT !!

PERSONALITY.

personality wise, as is one of the brightest kids you will ever meet. ever since birth ( or so his mother would say ), the boy has had a genuine grin on his lips. blessed with optimism and an idealistic view of the world, it’s honestly no wonder he’s earned himself the label of the quixotic.

ace has always had a romanticized idea of the world around him ( his parents were the most in love, his siblings gave him the best they could give, his school was the best one around, etc, there was always a naive optimistic view behind everything with him ).

it’s likely not shocking that he falls in love with anyone that will give him attention and or affection. although he lacks romantic experience, ( though there were romances here and there — plot idea(s), wink wonk ), he’s kind of … obsessed with the idea of romance, the feeling of being in love, and all things surrounding the very concept of love.

the moST AFFECTIONATE PERSON EVER. need a hug ?? ace is there. don’t need one ?? he’s still there. loves affection so much, whether giving or receiving; loves skinship and just ?? closeness. what a Nerd.

his heart is eight sizes too big for his body ?? he’s blatantly optimistic and idealistic about everything for the sake of everyone around him. he’s always worrying for others, always asking if they’ve eaten, if they’re feeling okay, and just being altruistic above all?? he really just wants to be a positive source for anyone he can but it can just get  …annoying sometimes ( or so he’s been told ), so oftentimes he has to hold himself back.

he talks so much, about everything and anything. boy has like zero filter somtimes and it even frustrates him at times. he just gets nervous often, and his mouth’s first reaction is to just ramble on about pointless things. before you know it he’ll tell you all about snail hibernation.

korean is a constant work in progress for him. he can speak and understand it almost fluently, but sometimes someone will speak and his brain just like … stops functioning?? but as i said before, the kid talks and asks a lot of questions so if he doesn’t understand what someone is saying he’ll make you talk around it until you’re both on the same page

he is quite confident of the fact that he is both pan romantic & sexual.

small excited puppy that just wants love, honestly.

CHILDHOOD.

ace zhu was born in a small US town in upstate new york, in a town called new paltz. he also has two older siblings; there’s a seven year gap between him and his older sister mei, and ten years between him and his brother, benjamin. ( aka benji ).

his chinese name is jieming but his english name is jason. he went by jace a lot growing up, but in middle school he dropped the j and began to prefer ace over jason and jace bc ?? one kid called him ‘ the ace ’ when he was playing baseball and he was like … oh ym god. ( a Nerd ).

i won’t lie, he had a rather comfortable childhood. his parents loved him as much as they loved each other, and although they were much older, his siblings loved him too. and there were never any money problems he was aware of ( being a rose colored glasses kid will do that, ig ). it’s also likely that he was bullied in elementary school, but such things used to go way over his head as a younger kid.

he has always wanted to be a dancer, and probably always will, (  there was that baseball dream there for awhile but he quickly learned in high school kids his size don’t get scouted unless they’re the best of the best, so that dream kinda blew away ). but it wasn’t until he was 11 that he started taking lessons.

it wasn’t until late spring when he was thirteen that things got complicated; his father was hospitalized after a severe stroke, a fact that he didn’t know about right away — his mother claiming that she didn’t want him worrying about something like that when everything would be okay. being the gullible boy he was, he believed it then.

but after a few weeks of his dad being in the hospital he knew something was up; his brother came home and stayed, began working odd jobs on top of the successful one he landed out of college, and helped way more than he ever did when he lived with them. when ace finally asked him about his reason for being home, benji told him everything.

his father wasn’t in good shape, and his mother was barely holding onto the hope that everything would be okay. there were financial problems that she couldn’t take care of, and benji decided to step in himself. this broke thirteen year old ace’s heart, of course. all he wanted to do from then on was help his family.

so he prompted himself to that summer. any job that would hire a thirteen year old, he was after. dropped his dance classes, started dog walking, babysitting, house sitting, lawn mowing, you name it. it wasn’t much, but he wanted to help.

his father also passed away that summer, a few weeks before ace started high school. he quit baseball shortly after, as the sport was something they shared and he didn’t think he was good enough to go further with it anyways.

he was a sophomore in high school when he was scouted by a south korean entertainment company for the first time. shortly after seeing his potential of talent with dance, they talked him into the idea of becoming an idol in korea, which prompted him to want to audition.

it took convincing his mom for weeks, but she finally said okay after benji had told her it was a once in a lifetime opportunity

so off to seoul he went at age fifteen !! to be a trainee !! fr nearly 3 years !!

TRAINEE DAYS ( first time around )

although he had no prior korean, and he pushed himself hard to learn the new language, he oftentimes found himself sticking around the other english-speaking trainees. at least when he first came to korea.

after about a year or so, he managed to stick out like a sore thumb to some senior of his. and they’d soon taken him under their wing in a way. he was propped up above a bunch of other trainees in his group because this one higher up favored him; given spotlight dances, suggested to directors and managers because they had connections, all because they wanted to see ace happy. or so it seemed. it didn’t make him too many friends.

and although it was a bit lonely, he still had people that he called friends, and a senior that adored him, right ? it was no wonder ace had started to admire with this senior of his above most people he knew at the time.

ooooh boy, bad idea.

one of their encounters had gone a way ace had never expected — or wanted. they were kissing him and touching him in a way he had never wanted. not any off it. he somehow got himself out, explicitly saying just how much the encounter was notwanted, and ran away.

the next day at practice wasn’t a nice one.

or the next day after that

this senior seemed to be after only one thing with ace; and after such advances were denied by the dancer, they became harsher and harsher on ace by the day. no more spotlight dances, and the beginnings of mentions of him being worthless and wasting his time because he didn’t have any real talent. and ace, being impressionable at the time, and extremely homesick, believed them.

then they began to hit him. just once or twice a day over stupid things, but it became gradual over a few weeks. he’d come to practice with markings  he couldn’t explain; or didn’t want too, because he was still in the belief that this senior was a good person, and it was somehow his fault.

he ended up quitting shortly after that ( not soon enough ), with the urging of a friend that had witnessed said abuse ace was enduring, and maybe noticed a change in his demeanor. ( he was more sad than he had ever been and it showed — even more so than he allowed when his father passed on ) — plot idea ?

after he quit, when he was barely eighteen there was a LONG search for somewhere to live. he couldn’t afford a place of his own and no one wanted a kid who couldn’t afford rent for a few months to be their roommate; until he came across jeaki. the two have been living together ever since.

although being a trainee didn’t work out the way he had hoped, and he was internally more sad than he had ever been during his last months of being one, he’s never let go of his kind and benevolent nature. one thing he promised himself when he came to korea was that he wouldn’t change. and for the most part, he hasn’t.

he still hasn’t exactly come to terms with the abuse he endured. because he feels so many others have had it worse, and he was lucky that he had gotten out of that situation. he doesn’t want to confront how it’s scarred him, because it undoubtedly has.

RECENTLY

after about a year and a half of working as a dance instructor ( teaching mostly kids and elderly ), he has fallen back into trainee life by chance thanks to the parents of one of his students. while it was a really hard decision to make, to go back into everything or not, he’s decided he wants to go after his dream.

though the company he’s apart of now is on a much smaller scale than the first. ( think fantagio, maybe even smaller than that ), and he believes it’s a better fit this time around even though he’s working just as hard as he was before, if not harder.

overworks himself ? falls asleep in the studio more than he does in his own bed. he just needs a nap and some food, and to take out his contacts before he goes blind from sleeping in them.

[acxismsarchive]

hello my loves !! i’m lizzy ( 18, she/her, est ), alli’s messy co-admin and local china line enthusiast. right here is my lil bab ace !!  i’ve been playing him for quite some time now, but i’m always in the mood for developing him even further !! if you’d like to give him a chance and plot, give this a like or feel free to hit me up on dis*ord @ #8932 !!

MENTIONS OF FAMILY DEATH,  ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT, VICTIM BLAMING, AND ABUSE ( MENTAL, PHYSICAL ), UNDER THE CUT !! 

PERSONALITY.

personality wise, as is one of the brightest kids you will ever meet. ever since birth ( or so his mother would say ), the boy has had a genuine grin on his lips. blessed with optimism and an idealistic view of the world, it’s honestly no wonder he’s earned himself the label of the quixotic.

ace has always had a romanticized idea of the world around him ( his parents were the most in love, his siblings gave him the best they could give, his school was the best one around, etc, there was always a naive optimistic view behind everything with him ).

it’s likely not shocking that he falls in love with anyone that will give him attention and or affection. although he lacks romantic experience, ( though there were romances here and there --- plot idea(s), wink wonk ), he’s kind of ... obsessed with the idea of romance, the feeling of being in love, and all things surrounding the very concept of love.

the moST AFFECTIONATE PERSON EVER. need a hug ?? ace is there. don’t need one ?? he’s still there. loves affection so much, whether giving or receiving; loves skinship and just ?? closeness. what a Nerd.

his heart is eight sizes too big for his body ?? he’s blatantly optimistic and idealistic about everything for the sake of everyone around him. he’s always worrying for others, always asking if they’ve eaten, if they’re feeling okay, and just being altruistic above all ?? he really just wants to be a positive source for anyone he can but it can just get  ... annoying sometimes ( or so he’s been told ), so oftentimes he has to hold himself back.

he talks so much, about everything and anything. boy has like zero filter somtimes and it even frustrates him at times. he just gets nervous often, and his mouth’s first reaction is to just ramble on about pointless things. before you know it he’ll tell you all about snail hibernation.

korean is a constant work in progress for him. he can speak and understand it almost fluently, but sometimes someone will speak and his brain just like … stops functioning ?? but as i said before, the kid talks and asks a lot of questions so if he doesn’t understand what someone is saying he’ll make you talk around it until you’re both on the same page

although he lacks actual sexual experience ( not that he lacks the desire, but bub is still a virgin ), he is quite confident of the fact that he is both pan romantic & sexual.

small excited puppy that just wants love, honestly.

CHILDHOOD.

ace zhu was born in a small US town in upstate new york, in a town called new paltz. he also has two older siblings; there’s a seven year gap between him and his older sister mei, and ten years between him and his brother, benjamin. ( aka benji ).

his chinese name is jieming but his english name is jason. he went by jace a lot growing up, but in middle school he dropped the j and began to prefer ace over jason and jace bc ?? one kid called him ‘ the ace ’ when he was playing baseball and he was like … oh ym god. ( a Nerd ).

i won’t lie, he had a rather comfortable childhood. his parents loved him as much as they loved each other, and although they were much older, his siblings loved him too. and there were never any money problems he was aware of ( being a rose colored glasses kid will do that, ig ). it’s also likely that he was bullied in elementary school, but such things used to go way over his head as a younger kid.

he has always wanted to be a dancer, and probably always will, (  there was that baseball dream there for awhile but he quickly learned in high school kids his size don’t get scouted unless they’re the best of the best, so that dream kinda blew away ). but it wasn’t until he was 11 that he started taking lessons.

it wasn’t until late spring when he was thirteen that things got complicated; his father was hospitalized after a severe stroke, a fact that he didn’t know about right away --- his mother claiming that she didn’t want him worrying about something like that when everything would be okay. being the gullible boy he was, he believed it then.

but after a few weeks of his dad being in the hospital he knew something was up; his brother came home and stayed, began working odd jobs on top of the successful one he landed out of college, and helped way more than he ever did when he lived with them. when ace finally asked him about his reason for being home, benji told him everything.

his father wasn’t in good shape, and his mother was barely holding onto the hope that everything would be okay. there were financial problems that she couldn’t take care of, and benji decided to step in himself. this broke thirteen year old ace’s heart, of course. all he wanted to do from then on was help his family.

so he prompted himself to that summer. any job that would hire a thirteen year old, he was after. dropped his dance classes, started dog walking, babysitting, house sitting, lawn mowing, you name it. it wasn’t much, but he wanted to help.

his father also passed away that summer, a few weeks before ace started high school. he quit baseball shortly after, as the sport was something they shared and he didn’t think he was good enough to go further with it anyways.

he was a sophomore in high school when he was scouted by a south korean entertainment company for the first time. shortly after seeing his potential of talent with dance, they talked him into the idea of becoming an idol in korea.

it took convincing his mom for weeks, but she finally said okay after benji had told her it was a once in a lifetime opportunity

so off to seoul he went at age fifteen !! to be a trainee !! fpr nearly 3 years !!

TRAINEE DAYS

although he had no prior korean, and he pushed himself hard to learn the new language, he oftentimes found himself sticking around the other english-speaking trainees. at least when he first came to korea.

after about a year or so, he managed to stick out like a sore thumb to some senior of his. and they’d soon taken him under their wing in a way. he was propped up above a bunch of other trainees in his group because this one higher up favored him; given spotlight dances, suggested to directors and managers because they had connections, all because they wanted to see ace happy. or so it seemed. it didn’t make him too many friends.

and although it was a bit lonely, he still had people that he called friends, and a senior that adored him, right ? it was no wonder ace had started to admire with this senior of his above most people he knew at the time.

ooooh boy, bad idea.

one of their encounters had gone a way ace had never expected --- or wanted. they were kissing him and touching him in a way he had never wanted. not any off it. he somehow got himself out, explicitly saying just how much the encounter was not wanted, and ran away.

the next day at practice wasn’t a nice one.

or the next day after that

this senior seemed to be after only one thing with ace; and after such advances were denied by the dancer, they became harsher and harsher on ace by the day. no more spotlight dances, and the beginnings of mentions of him being worthless and wasting his time because he didn’t have any real talent. and ace, being impressionable at the time, and extremely homesick, believed them.

then they began to hit him. just once or twice a day over stupid things, but it became gradual over a few weeks. he’d come to practice with markings  he couldn’t explain; or didn’t want too, because he was still in the belief that this senior was a good person, and it was somehow his fault.

he ended up quitting shortly after that ( not soon enough ), with the urging of a friend that had witnessed said abuse ace was enduring, and maybe noticed a change in his demeanor. ( he was more sad than he had ever been and it showed --- even more so than he allowed when his father passed on ) --- plot idea ?

after he quit, there was a LONG search for somewhere to live. he couldn’t afford a place of his own and no one wanted a kid who couldn’t afford rent for a few months to be their roommate; until he came across jeaki. the two have been living together ever since.

RECENTLY.

although being a trainee didn’t work out the way he had hoped, and he was internally more sad than he had ever been during his last months of being one, he’s never let go of his kind and benevolent nature. one thing he promised himself when he came to korea was that he wouldn’t change. and for the most part, he hasn’t.

he still hasn’t exactly come to terms with the abuse he endured. because he feels so many others have had it worse, and he was lucky that he had gotten out of that situation. he doesn’t want to confront how it’s scarred him, because it undoubtedly has.

since living in his shared apartment with jeaki, he’s picked up a job as a dance instructor. although his dream of being an idol came to an abrupt end, dancing is still something that makes him so so so so happy.

he’s a v generous teacher who will teach just about anyone, no matter age or gender or what have you. rly likes helping kids who are interested in dance, bc he remembers being that age and just wanting someone to help and encourage him with dancing.

overworks himself ? falls asleep in the studio more than he does in his own bed. he just needs a nap and some food, and to take out his contacts before he goes blind from sleeping in them.

JUST came back from an abrupt trip to america. he’d only gone back a spare number of times during his time in korea, because money was tight on both ends and he wasn’t going to burden his mom further by asking to come home every other month bc he missed his mommy. ( god, he wanted to tho ). 

his older brother was the one that bought him the ticket and urged him to come home, telling him it was serious and not to worry about the money or anything

his mom had just been talking abt how much she missed him and his brother decided to take action ??

as CUTE as it was, boy had a panic attack while packing his bags, thinking that his mother was in danger or something djksd.

that’s p much it ?? thIS IS SO LONG IF YOU’RE STILL READING I’M SORRY AND I LOVE YOU

[ask-jungshook]

can i be real for a sec?? you are so amazing and im about to cry bc you're everything i wish i was. ppl love your art so much and your angst and you're so talented. you are so so talented. ok im sorry i just needed this off my chest

// OMG NOOOOOO NONNY PLEASE DON’T CRY!

For me, my ‘talent’ is probably an accumulation of ‘natural’ talent (basically your base stats in gaming terms lol), motivation, experience, practice, and personal drive.

So to get a general sense of where I’m coming from, let me tell you a story of a YOUNG DISSU and how her ‘talent’ developed. (aka my art journey LOL)

So let’s started!

Base Stats

When I first got into drawing (this was around middle school, so I was around 12 years old????), my base stat for drawing was probably a 1 out of 10 –  pretty horrible tbh because all I did was just to try and replicate my favorite mangas characters as they were drawn. (At the time I think it was Yu Yu Hakusho LMFAO). If I were to make an analogy or any type of comparison, let’s just say, my stick figures had better proportions than my actual drawings but I digress. But as much as I drew poorly, I found myself loving drawing and loving art because it was an outlet for me to relieve stress. (But looking back oh boy was I a hardcore weeaboo haha) This period of time was the time where I gave no shits if I drew poorly, I drew because I had fun and that was pretty much it. (So there was like pretty much 0 improvement since I didn’t really bother to learn anything technique-wise) 

Motivation & Practice

Around high school was when I first started digital art (I around age 16 at this time) and this was the time period when DeviantArt was the ‘go to’ place to post drawings and literature. (pretty sure tumblr and twitter didn’t exist back then and facebook like just became a thing lol) Avatar sites like gaiaonline were also super popular and filled with a bunch of talented artists. I remember distinctly being like ‘holy shit these people are so good and so talented and thinking that I could never surmount to anything like that’. But at the same time, another part of me was like AWE INSPIRED of their talent and would like obsessively see if they had any tutorials on drawing. So while yes, there was a portion of me that wanted to be like my art idols and draw the way they did, at the same time, I kinda knew in my head that that was impossible? (But it didn’t stop me from trying to emulate them) 

So while I kept on drawing because it was fun and I liked it as a hobby– BUT this time, I had people to look up to in terms of the ‘I want to draw like you’ aspect of it. They were my art idols and pretty much everything I wanted to be from an art standpoint hahaha. But those artists were my main source of motivation for wanting to improve throughout high school. So this was the period of time that other people’s art lead to me wanting to develop a better style and to improve my technique. (I drew a lot, but never really finished anything major because I was really impatient back then, but my style was HEAVILY impacted by my art idols lol – VERY VERY GRAPHIC NOVELY/DATING SIM-ESQUE)

Experience & Personal Drive

I think in recent years, I did a lot of growing not only as an artist but as a person. One thing to note about growth and  improvement is that seeing improvement/seeing growth does not happen overnight, and I took many art hiatuses during high school and most of college simply because I didn’t have time due to my course load. So after cycling through various styles, my art kinda just stagnated for a long time. At that time, it was a bit disheartening and frustrating for me, because at that point I drew for like 6 years and made like small baby steps. (I had a variety of styles, but I never really had the solid groundwork of like anatomy, how clothing works, or color theory.) So it did put a hamper down on my motivation to draw back then– simply because I didn’t think I was improving as fast as other people – which in retrospect, was mistake number one.

I also went through a pretty bad battle with depression while I was in college that ebbed down a bit, then resurfaced after I graduated (this was roughly a 3 yr span), which hindered a lot of my art growth substantially as well  because my mentality simply wasn’t there. (Music and art hold emotional ties for me, so whenever I’m depressed, everything relating to the creative side of me goes to shit and I will have 0 motivation to draw and basically just sleep all day.)

But to be brutally honest, this is where personal drive comes in. There was one day where I just had full blown out sit down with myself where I basically told myself that I was so sick of being sad all the time, so tired of just being tired, so sick of hating myself– and that I missed being happy and that I missed that sense of joy. So what did I do? I pushed myself and forced myself out of my bubble in an effort to crawl out of that pit that is depression. But one of the things that helped me the most was reconnecting with a bunch of art friends that I met online in high school on one of those avatar sites. I’m a lot stronger of a person mentally thanks to them. :) And with the help of my friends, I basically began my journey of a 360 degree change– my friends, music, art and the past depressed me were all sources of motivation for me to fight to win that mental battle against myself. (One of the things I did was delete all my social media and just start over– that way it’s easy to filter out unwanted things if you start with a blank slate. I also bought my dog around this time which helped my mentality exponentially.)

Getting started was probably the hardest part, because depression is a cycle of ups and downs– but in order to break free, YOU have to be the one to initiate change and stick to making it happen no matter how uncomfortable you may be. I understand that not everyone can be like me and resolve to do everything yourself. Some people need therapy, and some people need medication and that’s fine because as humans, we’re all different in how we cope with things. In my case, it was all about mental fortitude and my own will power. For me personally, I extended my art hiatus and took several more months off of art and just solely focused on myself and my mental health more than anything. I did a lot of soul searching during this time. Ironically, I think my main motivation for crawling out of that hell hole was just hating how much I hated being sad all the time because that’s just a place that I would never want to go back to.

And even now, it’s still a lot of self exploring of what I want for myself and understanding myself. I’m a person with many layers of personality (like an onion!) – and I’m still learning how to embrace all of those layers (even the bad ones) because in the end, your layers combined are what makes you who you are. If you try to reject a part of any layer, that’s pretty much you trying to reject a part of you– which may lead to or cause a lot of internal turmoil. (On a not so serious note, I realize this ‘layer’ thing was a totally unintentional analogy taken from Shrek, imsosorry lol)

And I just realized I took a HUGE tangent, but going back to the experience and personal drive, I think it was some time around 2016 and going into 2017 when I officially made it to be one of my goals for the new year as to get ‘better’ at art. At this point, I had like 10 years of ‘experience’ in digital art (probably a lot less if you factor in my hiatuses but I digress lol), so based off of those past experiences, I know what I’m good at and what needs improvement. (so I know where my groundwork is lacking and what I should focus on) From a mental perspective, I also understand myself more in the sense that I knew what caused mental stress on me, which in turn allows me to not put myself in uncomfortable positions mentally. At the same time, understanding myself has also allowed me to know my limits and understand how much I can push myself.

But more importantly (from an art standpoint), I’ve learned to take a lot of inspiration from other artists and a lot of art friends instead of wanting to have their style of drawing. I think it was important to me to realize and recognize that I will probably never draw like some of them (because they have a lot more experience than me), and that that should be taken as a positive thing because my art should reflect who I am. So remember that onion I was talking about? All the people I look up to and all the people who I’ve befriended through art also play a HUGE role in my many layers because without them, I personally wouldn’t have that personal drive to learn and get better. So def find something that motivates you to be a better version of yourself! (For me it’s music, books, and other people’s art!)

So going back to my main point of talent:

Don’t think of someone else’s talent as something you should replicate. Because honestly speaking, you can’t, since you literally are a different person– and no two people are the same. (Nor are two onions the same)  Instead– take an opportunity to view it as a source of motivation and inspiration to grow and foster your own talent and your own personal growth. Because talent is something you CAN cultivate into something beautiful given time and patience. (Related note: I wrote like an essay in my meet the artist link about my thoughts regarding art and improvement and about comparing yourself to other artists– dunno if that’ll help, but feel free to check it out here lol)  

It took me 12 years for my art to evolve to what it is now (I’m 24 now), and I still think I have a lot more room to grow because there was so much I missed out on when I first started out. So while yes, I would consider myself as ‘talented’, there were so many things that have attributed to and molded my base ‘talent’ from when I was 12  to what is it now. And beauty is, is that that everyone’s base stats are different– heck there are people HALF my age who draw better than I do now and that’s amazing! (Also don’t let someone’s age be a reason to put yourself down either! I personally find young artists super inspiring :’))

But honestly, the most important thing is that in the end, art should be about yourself! As I mentioned before, art and music are linked to me emotionally, so happiness is the main thing that I want my art to bring to me. You shouldn’t do things for the sake of others (like getting notes/being popular), you should do it because it makes you happy. (Because if you’re doing things for others, you’re literally putting your own happiness in the hands of other people– and it shouldn’t be that way) For me, drawing makes me happy because I like to see my progression over the years as well as that sense of accomplishment once you finish a piece.

I’m so sorry that this turned into a really long essay/rambling about my life (i tried to keep it as short as possible, but it still ended up long af weeps), but I just felt the need the type this because I’ve been in a similar position as you before. (When I first read this ask I had like a lot of mixed emotions because I was like yes, it’s a compliment, but at the same time, why do I feel really sad? lol so yeah … sorry about the wall of text)

So don’t wish you were me! LOL :’D (lol trust me bc I am far from perfect) Instead, embrace yourself, (& to paraphrase the chorus of Cypher 4)  know yourself, and most importantly, love yourself because you are ALSO a blooming talent in the garden that is life. 

:) So what I really want to see is the phrase of “you’re everything i wish i was“ turn into something like, “thanks for inspiring me to improve” or something along those lines.

As artists, we all learn off from each other. And personally, I would be honored to be some sort of inspiration to you – but as I said before, please don’t think that you’re any less than me or think negatively about yourself because you are amazing and talented in your own right! :’) And if it helps, I’ll be rooting for you to continue cultivating your own ‘talent’ into something even more spectacular! Nonny HWAITING!

Also if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me! (I hope I don’t come off as intimidating, I’m just very scatterbrained and get distracted easily lol i also apologize for any spelling mistakes in this because im too lazy to proofread lol)

[gololblr]

"Did god have a say in the creation of the world" is a phrase that doesnt seem that odd when first looking at it, but can really mess someone up.

Like, was he limited to making our world with the constants we currently have? Could god have just said, yea lets round the G to 7*10^-11 and everything would still work out?

This also goes into my personal gripe with lines. Draw a line on a piece of paper, yea? Look closer. It aint a line. Its a gradent. There is no point that it suddenly becomes black from white. There's always white in the black, and vice-versa. There's always gray area.

Science knows this fact. They know that there are always more decimals n stuff, but they just choose to ignore it. Pass it off because its too small to matter in the long run? And yet, decimals can still fuck up am equasion a lot. Using 10m/s compared to 9.8m/s compared to (G*M1*M2)/(d^2) doesnt seem like a lot, but it really is a lot. Highschool physics? Literally throw air resistance out the window for the entire class. The only mention is that its not to be taken into account.

Seconds are the same way. If someone asks you to do something at a particular second, its really hard. Even then, theyres still gray area. Even with the implimentation of frames and button presses in video games, theres still a kind of window where its gray. Where its in between two frames. That area still exists.

Im honestly no "big brained" individual, but honestly humans are literally like if you hit the "randomize all" option on like the mii creator, but with like infinite possibilities. And honestly, to me thats much more beautiful and poetic than being told im made to fit the mold of some perfect being and its standards.

This goes into my own personal "dice roll" think. Tbh, theres probably some big brain theologian or old dude with a beard thinking about this right now, but in a different context, but my idea is as follows.

You can roll a dice yea? Its got like 6 sides on it. Now you'd think that that means when you roll it, there are only 6 possibilities right? And roll it enough times itll land back the same as when you started? Well in my mind, it can technically land on the same number, but it cant land in the same position. Think about it. Just from the directions of the corners, you can tell its wont. But if you look closer, you can tell it will never be the exact same positioning. If you roll a dice, it may land on that number again, but itll never land in the same spot.

This can also be seen in identical twins. Even though they look the same, they still have differnces. Whether it be a nose .00004 mm to the left, or a scar over their eye, or a hatred of spinach, there will be a difference. Even 2,000,000 years down the road, when someone is born with the same name, and the same face, they wont be the same as you. They wont have the same inteactions, or likes n dislikes. Even if they did somehow do not only gene manipulation and simulations on someone to replicate you, they couldnt possibly have the exact cell mutations or gene replication errors that make the little things in you, you.

You are just as unrepeatable as the roll of a dice, or the exact moment a leaf breaks off and falls. Which brings me to my next point.

I have never witnessed a leaf leave its branch. I have literally sat and watched trees and leaves every fall since i realized how mind boggling it is, and i still have yet to see it.

Dont get me wrong, ive seen falling leaves, seeds, and pinecones. I know gravity works and why fall is so great. Bit i have never seen a leaf cross the threshold of letting go of its branch. I know it exists. I know that wind probably effects it, but leaves will fall even without wind. I cant help but wonder at what causes that windless leaf to fall. Is it a cornerstone cell that just finally gives out? Is it some other kind of thing? What could possibly result in a falling leaf?

What is the exact chemical process that results in decay? Suprisingly, thats a question i can anwser. That is simply the improper copying of dna and stuff.

And yet, we still dont know how our brains work. We can look at cells, we can look at atoms, but we cannot possibly understand why laughter is a thing. We dont know anything about sleep, and even less about anaesthetics. Yet we do them regularly, even rely on them.

Humans survive mostly from two things. Sweating, and speaking. And honestly, those are probably the most horrifying things imaginable for prey. Sweating means we have cazy endurance. We can and will hunt anything down until it physically cannot move, and then kill it. And screaming to eachother at the same time. To be hunted by humans is much more scary then literally anything else. That is why horror mostly stars human-esk creatures that hunt humans.

One of humanity's greatest assests is also one of my biggest gripes. That is our obsession with observation and ourselves. We observe the world, and from that are given measurments and tools. We then use that to help ourselves. But we also have to see things. A famous phrase is "seeing is believing". Perfect example of this. We have to touch things. Even if its just with our eyes. But we also for some reason dont want to process things that arent ourselves.

Think about the non-humans that humans create. All those elderic abominations amd the like. Even the green martian men. They all are humaniods in shape. Even demonic, and cursed things have limbs. They have a head, and they have a brain. Anythign that is supposed to be equal to us or greater to us in power is humaniod. God? Humanoid. Satan? Humaniod. Kuthulu? Generally depicted as humaniod. Honestly the only exception to this idea is the angels in the bibel, like the cherubim and seraphim. Which at least one of them is a munch of rings with eyes and also wings.

Anywho, where was i? Oh yea, lines.

Nobody's perfect. Even in a computer world. Pixels are made of lights, which blend together and create gradents which are imperfect. Imputs are rounded. Time is rounded into frames. Fundamentally we are out of sinc with the universe. We round the numbers to the place we care about, putting a blind eye to those things.

Yet dont they add up? I mean in some cases yea, they do. Clocks become slow or fast. Heck even the official weight of a gram has changed. The object that was used to measure a gram actually ended up decaying enough that it messed up the official weight.

Dont even get me started on pi and natural e. Apparently (and i dont know for sure on this) but engineers round those numbers to 3. Like that is just messed up. That will actually, and legitimately fuck up a building or anything else.

Humans are truly odd creatures. Did you know that the current understanding of why we want to closely touch and even harm/kill cute and adorable things and even have the epression "i could eat you up... etc." Is beause we cannot process that emotion and so to relieve ourselves we want to rid the world of its existence? Its freakin wild honestly. We cant process something so we kill it. Itsnt that something just so specifically human?

Humans have such a thirst for knowledge, and yet also a fear of it. Consider comparing people like stalin and hitler and even the church, who burned and banned knoledge, to librarians who kept that knowledge.

Consider the eletric universe theory. Something that goes contrary to the current model of physics, but also works better in some areas. According to that, the sun wasnt always our sun, and also we were originally orbiting a red sun. Something totally wild to think about, but also makes sense. Like why ancient peoples kept talking about a red sun, and venus as a comet. It also states the idea that we didnt always have seasons, and that has something to do with why plants bloom when under red lights. I honestly dont know as much as i would like about this part to explain it better, but oh well.

We have this need to put everything in order, to have perfection. We just want to be the best we can. Specifically better than everyone else. And even if that means killing, harming, or demeaning others. Only if we are on the top, we will be alright.

--- Intermission---

... i just want to mention that i have no degree in this shit and also no sources bc im too lazy and tired to look up that shit. Also, when i say "human" really i can only speak generally. I know for a fact that some peopld break the mold to certain extents n stuff, i just wanted to streamline it a little bit.

---Intermission over---

Our obsession with being the best has led us to ome conclusion. However, that conclusion is contradictory to the question asked. To become the best, we have to work with others. Because "if i cant be the best, then nobody can.". And boom, we got society n shit. We start working together to hunt amd gather, and generally be nice people. Because loosing someone means lossing another source of food.

But im getting off the point. This isnt supposed to be a history of humanity. Everyone already knows that story. Humans started planting things, created towns, created cities, fought eachother and died a lot. Eventually enslaved eachother and finally decided that was a bad thing, even thoug not everyone in the world agrees. Now there's god, and politics, and school, and problems.

But what caused all of this? What was the catylist? What was the starting factor? Can the reason people fight today be traced back to the first accidental killing of a brother like cain and able? Or is it somethig totally recent. Is the reason we have society because two ancient homo sapien families merged? Or was it something else? Why do we wear clothes? Theyrs little to no reason except in the winter. Especially if we started in africa or Australia. I have no anwsers for these questions.

But dont let the past decide who you are. Theres a reason we have memories. Its to improve yourself. We are constantly at a crossroads. Even if you dont realize it.

You can physically do anything. Humans are scary crazy. If you just put enough minds to it, literally anything is possible. Sending someone to space? Yep. Being able to kill all life on the planet? Yep. Be able to eat uncooked broccoli? Definitely. There are of course some holes in that last statement. Like you cant physically eat the planet in 30 seconds, or (at least right now) cant change the way you think about cheeze puffs. Doesnt mean that cant change in the future. But at the moment.

The future is scary too. Genetic engeneering, designer babies, and pollution is all on the horizon. The only thing stopping is it ouselves and maybe god.

If you could ask an animal what god it believes in, what would it say? Is such an easy question for theologians to brush aside. (Not that ive asked one) i can just imagine them quickly responding "animals cant think dumbass" or "animals dont have souls" or "animals arent made in the image and likeness of god". Those are nice anwsers and all, but they dont anwser the question. I asked what god does your pet dog believe in, not why doesnt my dog tell be about every time zeus boned some village girl and how that gives them the right to bone me too.

Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings about the human condition, lines, and other weird stuff i have no sources for. I want to mention that most of this stuff is probably fallacies, but this was never meant to be taken seriously or coherent anyways.

[suteshiro]

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Open, kinda? My closet is built into a wall and one of the sides has like, shelves I use often so it’s just open for accesibility

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Nope! I got nerfed, honestly. I’d look lovely with freckles

(3) Can You Whistle?

Hahaha nope,

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

Night of Fire bc im listening to an eurobeat mix while working on a school assignment skjfvnskjfv last song I Willingly listened to is The Hearse by matt maeson which fucking slaps

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Probably purple!

(6) Relationship Status.

Single

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

18 celsius/64 fahrenheit. pretty average but for some reason im cold

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Nope! I woke up feeling wonderfully actually

(9) How Many Followers?

404. Very nice number

(10) Zodiac Sign.

I’m a scorpio and a dragon :3

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Brown!

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

I do not, though I used to and might start again, who’s to say

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

Not rlly. I shower listening to music and I have a lot of trouble singing along to things im hearing for some reason skfnvskfjb

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

I’m too embarrassed to say publicly which one im reading now skjvnskfjb i kinda wanna read some cute cheesy romance in the nearby future

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

I grabbed the first lotr book and gottt

“Ah,” said Ted, “ you hear them, if you listen. But if I wanted to listen to old lady tales and childish legends, I’d stay home”

(Translated a bit roughly bc my physical books are mostly in spanish

(16) Favourite Anime?

You cant ask me thatt skjfvnklabmksfjb It might be Violet Evergarden? It’s the only anime that’s really made me cry

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

I think I cried in front of my mom at some point recently while pretending i wasnt crying

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Notebooks skfnskfsnb I just think they’re neat

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

havent Lunched yet, dont scold me

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

I’m rarely in cars and they’re usually not mine

(21) Favourite Animal?

Coatimundis pretty...... and adorable

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Nope

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

I try to go to bed a bit before midnight but im needy and like talking to my friends so its usually around 2am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

Nope! I p much never do that

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Both have their pros! I think I tend towards pools bc as a rule they dont rlly have like, annoying consequences

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

@yournewapartment​​ keeps popping up in my dash with good advice and nice stuff and i appreciate it

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Bottled waterr the tap water in my building is weird and doesnt seem very safe to drink and by now i hate the taste skjvfnkjn

(28) What Makes You Happy?

My friends, comedy shows, reading good fanfiction, writing fanfiction, drawing my characters, reading about others’ characters, giving gifts, the smell of roses, fairy pokemon, butterflies-

I like being happy

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

Im not really a Keeps Gifs That Convey Emotions kinda guy

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

Depends a lot skjvfnskfjvn my brain keeps switching

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Very hard questions,,, I think I tend towards dogs bc they’re like me. Big. Excitable. Needy.

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

Purble.,......

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

PlayStation

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

I have been in the ocean before and idk how much i liked it but sure id do it again. A lake sounds fun!!

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

I practice it!

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Red

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

I’m not sure what exactly this is asking

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

I like saving money skjfnvksjv I rarely think of things to spend it on

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Ye! There’s a bag I use to keep my chargers in it when im outside. it has flower pictures. very pretty

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Love Live,,,,, and now my character Curiosity bc @zuramaru​​ is an angel and running a campaign he’s in and we played yesterday and holy shit theres a lot going on

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Oh yes!! this one time I was in a place absolutely full of butterflies and I caught one between my cupped hands and it stayed there when I opened them and it was a wonderful experience

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Ya,, I do the fawning thing so I tend to agree with other people by default, lest we have any kind of conflict

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Oh yes, most of the dreams I remember are. bizarre

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

Yeah!!! Only done it twice but it was a blast

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Inside Out fucking got to me

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Peanuts,,, I don’t like sunflower seeds. I mean they’re tasty but. Too much effort for too little reward

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Uuuuh, FOB probably

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not really, but also yes? I have a few things I absolutely refuse to put in my mouth

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Perhaps? I’m not very hard to wake up but I can sleep through a lot of stuff

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Nah I fucking love it

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

Yes!! I think I would actually like to become a writer. Not sure tho

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yea but only when I’m really into it. Like, usually I’m listening to stuff and the volume tends to low but then there’s this One song and I turn it up all the way until it’s over

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents, I’ve never carved pumpkins before skjfvnskjfv seems like a hassle and I’d feel bad for not making it look nice

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Haven’t you noticed (I’m a star) from Steven Universe

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Winterr

(56)What Are You Craving Right Now?

Choclet........

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

Here you go!

(58) What Is Your Gender?

Solarian!

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

I’m a tea guy!

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

I’m helping translate an entire thing about the way emails work, its a bit of a hassle skjfvnsf

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Uuuuh I’ve been questioning but im mlm and also into nb people

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

Yeah! Makes me feel accomplished and sexy

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

SYLVEON SYLVEON SYLVEON

(64) Favourite Social Media?

Absolutely Tumblr. Unless you count Discord as a social media

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

I don’t use. Instagram. But sure they’re neat

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

A little. Usually when I travel I’m either at a place I hate or at a place where I don’t have commodities I do have at home skjfnskjfb so I miss my room

(67) Are You A Virgin?

Yup

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Uuuh I’m using a Head & Shoulders shampoo I believe? WIth no conditioner bc my hair is real short now and conditioner tends to feel weird

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Well you see I would choose the crappy motel but 60 bucks seems a bit unattainable so sure, let’s stay in my car

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Nope, father is Dead

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

I’m not interested in anything, honestly

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true, I’d save every day like a treasure and then, again, I would spend them with you”

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

There’s this like. Really nice honey color

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

I loved swinging! I still do but I’m. Self conscious about my weight and scared of breaking something

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Some pastries for breakfast

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

20B wives, My sweet angel is a real angel, BitLife, Buriedbornes, Cardinal Quest 2, Crazy 8, Egg Inc, FarmVille 2, Fire Emblem Heroes, Gardenscapes, Get bigger! Mola, Homescapes, Human Resource Machine, Kept Man Life, Love Live, Mermaid Evolution, My Little Star VIP, Piano Tiles 2, Plague Inc, Pocket City, Pokémon GO, Puzzledom, SmithStory, Soul Knight, Tap Knight, Tower Breaker

To be clear quite a few of these stay there completely untouched

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

What kind of question is this???

I mean I don’t know CPR but if I could yeah???

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

… listen,

right now ive only been on my computer for like an hour or two but yeah ive done that,

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

I don’t think so?

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yyyyes and no. I’m a bit awkward but I like people

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

Oh!! I wear this really pretty crown shaped ring but idk where I left it

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed closed closed I haaate when my bedroom door is open

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Talk with friends, make some tea, read? I haven’t done a lot today skvnskjvn

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Comfy shirt and sweatpants

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

What’s a beauty?

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

uuuh both? hard to answer??

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Well, we’ve already clarified what I have on my phone skjfnskjfb

THe only games I know I have on console are Mortal Kombat Armageddon, Devil May Cry 3 special edition, and Okami. Oh! And God of War. I think at least the first and second. Were there more than two?

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

Nah

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

I don’t like fizzy drinks, they make my throat hurt

But Fanta is nice

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Melodic voices singing, the rain, absentminded humming, small clicking noises...

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans! I have very few but I’ve grown fond of them. Used to wear yoga pants pretty exclusively before

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

Gorgeous, of course

Skjvnskfjvn I’m still wearing the clothes I used to sleep

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Ghibli movies

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

A star map on my back!

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

Right now I think that’s John Wolfe. But I like quite a few