#bc i have meta anxiety about bothering people with my anxiety

[dingoskidneys]

When I'm in bed in the morning feeling awful the solution is to get out of bed but when I'm out of bed at night feeling awful the solution is to get in bed. Maybe

[a-very-fond-farewell]

hi! hope this reply finds you.. eventually. I accidentally deleted your ask when I actually wanted to delete another one (sorry) but I was meaning to reply to a few people in a single post anyway and took provisional screenshots! so this was a lucky coincidence!

thank you for reading Children of the Red Dust! my pride and joy :D but since you know me from word of honor I.. kind of guess why you would be confused by my previous post about my “fandoms of interest”, as u say.

so, originally (I believe it was around either 2017 or 2018, cannot guarantee on that I’m afraid) this was a side-blog spurred from my need to compartmentalize and gush about my experience of re-reading a few of my favorite fics from the hobbit fandom. back then, in fact, I was in a slump and needed to pick myself up. so I decided to revisit fandoms who had brought me joy in the past, one of which was the bagginshield ship. hence a “nostalgia” blog!

coincidentally, one of the authors of a particular fic among those would have later on (in 2020) influenced my decision to try reading mdzs since they were considering writing a fic about it. they were (and still are!) one of my favorite fic authors, so I trusted them completely on that and that’s how I stepped into the world of danmei!

first it was the untamed, then winter begonia and finally word of honor, through which you have come to meet me :) isn’t that magical?

now. in regards of your second question.. thank you for letting me ramble about my new shiny interests! :D

so here’s a handy list:

1. hotd & r//haenicent :

oh, where do I start! that’s a tough one bc I’m mostly vibing in here?? like. don’t get me wrong, I love the show as it is and I do enjoy the lore behind it a great deal. I’m mostly absorbing the content and let it either shock me or impress me depending on what’s on screen. I do see the flaws but I honestly don’t care about them. I’m just vibing, as I said. but I do like to see people posting meta about the reasoning behind each character! and I love reading about the actors’ ideas behind their back stories and motivations!

my ship of choice is mostly based on the fact that I do like me some toxic-ladies-twice-divorced energy in the room and I should add that I haven’t probably been able to watch killing eve yet just so I could prepare my tastebuds with the hotd female leads first. I especially love the modern!au edits I’m seeing floating around and for now that’s enough to keep me from starving until the new season arrives.

2. the devil judge :

honestly, my focus would be gone on all planes of existence wasn’t it for @/amethystina’s fic (I don’t want to bother her with me tagging her on this, but do trust me and go read it bc it’s gonna change your life!) Who Holds The Devil. seriously, my anxiety has been so bad recently but there she glows, the most massive brain in the universe, bringing us frequent updates despite her busy schedule (and, apparently?? she wrote an entire 100k words fic in the strangers from hell fandom on a whim?? so if that’s your vibe you can go feast on that baby and have a fucking party while you’re at it. thank me later)

no but for real. it’s almost camp. almost. the drama, I mean. all it needs is a feathered boa and it checks out. outlandish villains that do be sounding a little too similar to IRL egotistical capitalist pigs, dangerous pretty ladies, rich bitches (Kang YoHan included), mysteries™️, boytoys and sassy teenagers. there are a few complains I have, ngl, but the vibes are immaculate imo. I would also offer, in a similar vein, kdramas like little women (a recent favorite of mine!), beyond evil (a classic at this point) and, on a bigger scale, the glory (which I have yet to watch, contrary to the first two).

3. helluva boss :

this one caught me off guard, ngl. I used to see it trending on tumblr often but thought it was just the most recent western brand of animation that people get hooked on for the witty dialogue and vaguely philosophical themes being explored (as u can see idk anything about these things, I thought it was similar to adventure time or smth, the fool that I was!). what I got instead was great animation and complex three-dimensional characters overall. now I’ve rewatched the entirety of the available episodes perhaps ten times. honestly, my anxiety really needed that.

as with hotd, I’m just vibing.. but I’m very engaged. I felt almost euphoric at the thought that animators and artists could just.. have fun with it? I’m sure there’s an enormous amount of work involved in the production of every single episode, so I’m just leaning back and enjoy the show. bad gays are hella entertaining and I’m here for it. coincidentally, around the same time I started actively watching the series I found out about a new queer short film that is being developed called the lovers! it’s gonna be a long wait but it’s gonna be worth it :D

4. don’t hug me I’m scared :

this was a fun one. when it first came out (idr when tho) I remember being very uncomfortable with the material. it reminded me of Flat Eric, a yellow puppet used in dance music videos of some artist or smth: it used to terrify me as a child and dhmis evoked the same reaction out of me in the beginning. but then I watched some video essay on the matter and I grew more accustomed to the feel of it and became interested in the though process behind it instead. first video I watched on the topic was about an interpretation of the show through an autistic perspective and the other was a.. I believe a 3 or 4 hours video making an overview on the whole lore behind it.

I’m not very interested in “finding out what does this all mean” or anything of the sort. I’m just here for the cosplays xD no but really, people are so inventive! and they make merchandise and dolls and drawings and full on costumes all on their own! that’s creative as fuck! and it’s unsettling and evocative at the same time. I’m baffled by everyone’s talents and I’m merely wishing to be as good as them ahah.

5. dune & the hunger games :

not sure how this happened. I have read the latter series but not the first, I don’t have time for that. but I can digest a movie or two and the visuals are very interesting to me! also I am a bene gesserit simp and I hate them and their ways in equal measure. idk why but that’s how it is. similarly, I want to see how the cast for the prequel of hunger games does! I’ve heard the lovely viola davis is in it and I’m thrilled to see her being unhinged :D

but mostly, I re-evaluated the entire hunger game trilogy by reading meta posts and fics exploring the story from different perspective in the past and this new movie reignited the interest for the time being, so I’m excited to give it a try! dune, on the other hand, is new for me and it’s helping me bond with my dad on our shared love for sci-fi. what’s not to love??

6. succession :

I’m honestly not sure about this one. I plan to look more into it but idk when I will have the time ahah. if nothing it will entertain me with rich people drama which is always obnoxiously fun to tap into when capitalism fucks me over one way or another. we will see!

thank you for letting me talk into the void xD hope you have a great day yourself!

[faithofgods]

if i may ask (i tried to look if this was already answered but tumblr is a broken website, so im sorry if im asking something that has been answered), does the way that Sol deal with jealousy change once they're in a realtionship with MC?? bc i believe all the asks you linked are pre-relationship, no?? or, at the very least, that is the implication i picked up.. bc, i will fully admit, the idea of deep romance!Sol being jealous and possessive and like.. not repressing those emotions, is something i am very intrigued to learn more about lmao (esp if its healthy and moderated jealousy/possessiveness, which like.. considering how Sol has dealt with unwanted emotions in the past, is not something i assume will happen lmao-- i am fully predicting that someday, maybe even not with jealousy, think funky lil repressed bean will just have their feelings fully blow the fuck up lmao rip)

The short answer: Sol getting 'jealous' / 'possessive' (in their way, not entirely in what is typical / traditional) does not happen once at the point of being in an actual relationship

The much longer answer (+a clarification first):

By 'possessive', I mean a very childish version of it. It's something that Sol recognizes is a ridiculous way to feel in the first place, and outside the meta character talks here on the blog, it's unlikely MC would ever know about Sol's little 'flare-ups' of it

It was something that was a lot stronger / happened more often when they were both much younger (especially when new people entered MC's life), and was a bit like, they're my friend, why are you talking to them / what do you want from them ?? 😒 It was (and still is) a knee-jerk reaction manifesting from Sol's fear of getting abandoned / left behind, and is something that's lessened considerably as they've both gotten older (and even more after the events of eight years ago). Now all Sol wants is for MC to have some semblance of normalcy again, even if that's not 'with' them / 'because' of them

What Sol really struggles with is—in their eyes—being a 'burden'. They don't want to bother anyone (especially MC) with something they perceive as 'trivial' as their emotions when others are already dealing with their own things

You might see it in the update depending on choices (though with a different emotion than jealousy), but when Sol gets to the point where they can't fully ignore something / push it away, they will leave the situation causing those feelings entirely before they even have that chance to 'blow up', as these kinds of strong emotions that they can't fully control give them a deep, deep anxiety

((In Sol's case, they're also not the type to 'blow up' at all; it'd be more 'spilling over into anxious and nonsensical rambling' or 'getting very sharp and snippy with their words as a defense mechanism' (though a much rarer reaction and not as mean or pointed as someone like Cían would be; it'd be something like a very sharp, very flat, "I don't wanna talk about this anymore.")))

Jealousy itself has a lot of strong connotations, and with Sol, it's something that's way more abstract of an emotion in them. They recognize it, understand that they feel it, but don't have a name for it as it's not something they really let themself acknowledge in the first place, and thus is not something that fully forms. To them, it's a vague sense of, seeing you with this person / hearing you talk about them stings and makes me deeply uncomfortable, and I don't know how to handle that so I'm just going to pretend this weird feeling doesn't exist.

As for why that jealousy disappears once in a relationship: they're both with the person they want to be with, have both chosen the other person, so there's nothing for them to be jealous over / feel weird about. Sol trusts MC, completely and unconditionally, and that will never change !

As a smaller, related note: Sol would never agree to being in a relationship if at any point they thought MC was either settling for them or would fall out of love with them/leave them. This contributes to that implicit trust and nonexistent jealousy

[iamanartichoke]

I am posting this mostly to get it off my chest, and I'll probably regret it, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think the biggest problem I have with Fandom Wank(tm) in regards to positivity or negativity, is what bothers me has literally nothing to do with whether one's positivity/negativity will turn out to be right.

last night I followed a couple of posts and went down a rabbit hole of "series negativity" bashers' posts, bc apparently I hate myself and do not wish to be in a good mental space right now, and the common thread I noticed is that those who are overwhelmingly positive and take issue with criticism seem to be doing so bc they see their own versions of Loki being portrayed on-screen, either as how they've interpreted him as a character in generral or as how they've written him in fics. And not only are they fiercely protective of those versions but they also get validation from the confirmation that their Loki is The Right Loki(tm). Criticism takes the on-screen portrayal (and, subsequently, their own personal versions of The Right Loki(tm)) and says, uh, I can't actually see Loki doing this? I think this is ooc? I think Loki as portrayed here is not consistent with previous portrayals? -

- and suddenly you've got this rabid backlash on your hands where it becomes 'omg stop being toxic,' 'your headcanon is not canon' (look in the mirror), 'this is tom's loki so it's accurate,' 'i see no difference whatsoever in characterization y'all're just deluded and have invented a loki that never existed' (tf????), etc.

And I can't help but conclude that the backlash against criticism/negativity has nothing to do with the criticism itself; it's more to do with the undermining of someone else's validation in how they view this character.

This is purely speculation. There's some mental gymnastics here, admittedly. I could be way off base and I realize that I risk my post being shared and misconstrued and mocked by even posting it publicly. But the only reason I'm writing this - and thus getting it off my chest after my spiral down the rabbit hole - is bc from my point of view, I didn't feel like my experience in enjoying this tv show was being threatened until the discourse backlash over the negativity started spilling onto my dash. Not the negativity itself; the actual discourse. (And, look, there's a lot of negativity that's been posted that I don't agree with whatsoever, and there's other negativity that I may agree with but don't agree that it's an issue, or - my point is, this isn't bc I don't have conflict with the actual arguments themselves.)

Full disclosure: for the first three weeks, I was more positive than not regarding the show. (I think I still am.) I posted about what I liked but I also posted about what I felt was ooc and about the elements I liked less. A lot of my mutuals are not thrilled (to say the least) with the show, so there was already a ton of negativity on my dash and I personally went through a few minor meltdowns on whether or not I was on the right page with my enjoyment when so many others (whose opinions I trust and whose versions of Loki [that I've read] in fic ring true to me) were not sharing that enjoyment.

I did/have been talking it out with friends who feel similarly and I've more or less come to terms with being in the middle. And in the meantime, when I felt like the negativity was not something I wanted to be cognizant of, I skipped those posts entirely. Doing these things allowed me to come to terms with where I was standing regarding my overall feelings on the series, and overall enjoyment with my fandom experience.

And then, mostly after episode 3 (which seems to be the most divisive so far), discourse started popping up on my dash more and more. I'm defining discourse, in this context, as 'wank regarding whether or not Loki is actually ooc, wank over people who enjoy the show not wanting to see the negativity, wanky posts asking people who are critical to reserve judgement until the show has finished airing (but praise is fine)' -

- and suddenly, I feel much more self-conscious about posting my takes. Suddenly I feel much more anxiety about hitting the "post" button when said post is more critical than not. Suddenly I am worried about who, exactly and actually, is reading my posts? Who is going to decide to paraphrase my takes and include them in a 'guess what they're complaining about NOW' post? Who is going to decide to pass around a post I've made only to mock it, as has happened to some of my friends already?

Over the past three days, I have gotten 30+ new followers, and instead of feeling good about it - hey, some of these may be porn bots but still, people are interested in my blog?! - I feel just increasing anxiety about it bc, I mean, I don't know who anyone is or what they're here for.

I do not feel secure in the current fandom environment, is what I'm saying, and the reason I do not feel secure is not because of the negativity; it's because of the wank coming from the people who post about the negativity and mock the negativity and call other fans deluded stans who have a shitty grasp on characterization, story telling, and Loki in general. It's Ragnarok bullshit all over again, only worse.

And this circles me back to my original point, which is that the anxiety and the wank/discourse and whatever else really has nothing to do with the on-screen portrayal of Loki.

For me, personally? It took me awhile to realize it, admittedly, but I did realize that I do not care if what I perceive as ooc actually isn't. I do not care if the final product of Loki - once the entire series has aired - is a different Loki than what I've written and perceived as "my" Loki all this time. It's not going to make me feel like less of a fan or less valid; it's just going to make me feel like I have a perception of Loki that may differ in some ways with "canon Loki" but is still similar enough that I will continue to enjoy engaging with him and writing meta about him and writing fic about him and sharing those things with people who view Loki similarly. Likewise, I am not going to feel less valid as a writer and a critical thinker; it doesn't make me feel like I have anything to prove.

So if the root of the wank is coming down to the negativity making you feel less valid or less vindicated bc "your" Loki matches the show but is being called ooc by a lot of other fans, like, maybe take a step back and consider not taking it personally? Maybe really think about why the fact that negativity exists bothers you so much? Bc I mean, at the end of the day, it's not like Tom Hiddleston himself is going to descend from the clouds with a choir of angels singing and acknowledge any one of us as The One True Fan Who Has The Best Interpretation Ever of Loki. So what actual difference does it make if (we agree or disagree that) he's ooc or not?

Ultimately I'm just saying, there is definitely wank that is ruining the fandom atmosphere and the show in general, and it's not coming from those who are posting their negativity and criticism of the source material.

*Disclaimer that this is how I am perceiving and interpreting things today and possibly in general, but I'm not necessarily saying that my perception is factual to what is actually happening. I don't know what is happening. This is the guess that I've come up with in order to reconcile the fandom discomfort I feel, discomfort which is ruining the show for me, and where it's all coming from.

** Second disclaimer that I have unfollowed those who were participating in the wank, if I was following them in the first place, to the point that it made me uncomfortable, and obviously this post doesn't apply to everyone bc there is a certain amount of just being tired of it that I understand, so if we're mutuals, this doesn't apply to you regardless of where you stand on the wank.

*** Third disclaimer that said fandom environment is what makes me feel like I have to add disclaimers on every fucking thing I say, partly bc people read what they want to read and partly bc I have very debilitating anxiety regarding being misunderstood.

[shittybyrons]

about to do some big brain shit. gonna paraphrase what i've said on discord and maybe add some more around it, but hear me out. this has lots of anecdotal shit and references to ableism and xenophobia after the readmore. this is super meta and probably i’m grasping straws but i am a lunatic and i like to ramble.

i’m trying to organize this but it’s A Struggle

monsterous text below the cut.

To make sense of all this, I have to talk about a conversation I had with my uncle, who used to play (recreational) hockey in Alberta, and later Texas.

For background, my uncle is potentially mentally ill (anxiety runs in my family) and almost definitely has ADHD. He’s also from Romania and he never got a US citizenship. His name is not English. His biggest crime? He’s small for a hockey player, only 5′10″.

By the time he got to Texas, he was a pretty good player, and the opposite team knew that. He was targeted for his name, his height, his parents, his accent, anything they could, and ended up having to stop playing hockey by the time he got to college for his own safety.

When I first cut my hair short, he told me, “If you’re going to be anywhere, you have to pick one, or they will tear you apart.” I didn’t understand at the time, I just cut my hair short, but now I do.

You can deviate from the norm in one way.

You have to pick one.

One is a bummer, two is an inconvenience, three is just inconsiderate.

In year three, Jack went to Bitty when he was having a panic attack right? So they've established trust for Jack's anxiety. But there's nothing that shows Jack trusts Bitty with other issues.

Check Please is from Bitty’s perspective, so what if he never quite knew the extent of the issues Jack ran into during year 4. This is no one’s fault.

This is purely anecdotal but sometimes with mental illness it consumes your life so much everything has to do with the illness, and if something does not fit the illness, it simply doesn't exist. I know my parents do this, and I know others who pretend like that's the case.

My friend has anxiety, and when he got Super Sick he was not comfortable telling ANYONE he was feeling sick at all. Bc he was anxious, that was "what was wrong with him" so obviously there could be nothing else wrong. He already picked one. He told no one he was feeling sick, and no one knew until he passed out on the stairs on the way to class.

Turns out his immune system was going Nuclear and it destroyed his pancreas and he has to be on insulin for the rest of his life. He was 12.

He’s been bullied ever since.

He didn’t pick one.

You have to pick one.

Why did this happen? He was already anxious, anything more would just be asking for attention. This is partially his anxiety talking, but I doubt this was all in his head.

We’re always told to pick one anyways.

You have to pick one.

Back to Jack, maybe he felt like he was making shit up about being targeted and talking about it would just be him being an attention-seeker. Oh boo hoo Jack Zimmermann has another issue, what is it this time?

Jack fucked up. He picked two. He already had the mental illness thing going, he didn’t need to pick up another quirk. He’s basically asking for it.

Jack never tells Bitty what he’s dealing with bc he already “picked” one issue for Bitty to have to “deal with” so the fact he is hit over and over and over and over and the refs do nothing and his team is powerless and for once his brain is not the villain his issues are outside but what if he is making things up and just being dramatic? Jack never brings them up, because he already “picked” one issue for Bitty to “deal with” and his anxiety won’t let him talk about anything else.

This is not Bitty’s fault, it’s conditioning. The people around Jack have probably voiced their displeasure saying stuff like “oh what is he saying now?” and “oh there’s always something with her.”, stuff that was never directed at Jack, but was still internalized.

I know I’ve heard it, and I know others have heard it too. We’ve all internalized it to some degree.

You have to pick one.

Now that he’s an adult, Jack’s anxiety has probably told him that he gets to pick one thing to have wrong, and any other problem is his fault. So of course, he tries to work with them on his own, because Bitty has so many things he needs to worry about, his boyfriend being upset because he got hit too many times is so meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

There’s an anxiety me and some of my friends get about “bothering” stressed out people. We’ll hide things because we do not want them to worry about us, because they have so many other things to worry about.

When me and my childhood best friend were 9, I was dealing with a bunch of shit because of my undiagnosed ADHD. Because of that, my best friend didn’t ever tell me he had anxiety. The only reason I figured out was because I found him in the middle of a panic attack in a hall no one uses. When I asked him why he never told me, he said “You have so many things to worry about, this is just an extra thing that you don’t need.”

Also he already picked one.

You have to pick one.

He had the whole “parents live in different states” thing going so why would he also have the anxiety issues? That’s just too much.

I still haven’t told my parents eating meat makes me super sick, because they have so much to worry about, trying to feed me vegetarian is just some extra thing.

Anyways, I already picked one.

I already have the ADHD, why would I also have the visceral reaction to meat? That’s just too much.

Again. 

You have to pick one.

To bring this back to OMGCP, Kent Parson has a good reason to not come out. He already had picked one, he’s small. So if he was gay (bc no other mlm sexualities exist) on top of that? He’s just asking for trouble.

Jack’s running into issues in the NHL because he didn’t remember the most important rule of being in sports.

You have to pick one.

[jedimordsith]

The subject of birth control came up in response to chapter 8 of Oracle and, while I am sure I’ve ranted about this somewhere before, it seemed like a good thing to touch on for Trivia Tuesday!

Technically, there is exactly one mention of bc in Legends. It is incredibly vague.

However, given the other biotech available in-universe, it seems impossible to imagine that they don’t have multiple types of birth control available for all genders of most species. (Or at least it does if you are a female fic author who thinks about those kinds of details where profic writers didn’t bother.) 

In fic, birth control is typically called “repress meds” and I have seen people suggest that they come as:

Implants

Shots

Oral prescriptions/ Plan B pills

(I do not personally headcanon that condoms are a standard thing in the GFFA since their advanced tech should make them largely unnecessary and inconvenient by comparison to other options. Outer Rim planets and other deprived places might be an exception, due to lack of access to better resources.) 

There are interesting ideas floating around about bc being mandatory for most forces in both the Rebellion and the Empire or at very least certain sub-groups within those forces such as spies. (I feel like there’s a lot of room for provocative meta there.) 

In most of my fics, I work on the basis that most characters are on repress meds as a default state unless actively trying for a child. For women, obviously, this is a convenience as it means they don’t have to deal with menstruation and its aggravations. It also allows them to sleep around as freely as their male peers without pregnancy-related anxiety. Among males, I headcanon that it’s just considered the responsible thing to do. (Particularly since I also headcanon that on a lot of worlds children belong to their mothers, and fathers may not have any rights if they aren’t legally partnered to the mother of their offspring.)

In my fics where the main characters are not on bc (such as Oracle), I always have reasons for the anomaly.

I am the kind of writer who would rather handwave/ignore a lot of physically inconvenient bodily things (like periods) rather than deal with them in fic, so to a  certain degree these headcanons are just an excuse to do that. At any rate, I do what makes me happy, but I’m always game to hear what other people think! 

[cagedchoice]

Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

( the be honest meme. )

probably the biggest thing that bothers me is the general lack of willingness to communicate that sometimes exists?? obviously not everybody does this and i’ve been very fortunate not to have experienced it very often, but when it does happen, oof. i’m mostly talking about things like ghosting people instead of politely declining to write with them or like. those confession blogs that get a lot of submissions that are just passive-aggressive burns directed at one partner of theirs in particular that's like ‘you’re only using me for our ship and i feel like i don't matter outside of that at all’ and such. things that should definitely be brought up privately with that partner so they can either be given a chance to change their ways or you can be sure to let them go. it’s okay to say no, and to set boundaries or say ‘hey i’m not feeling up to this/i would rather not do that right now’. i just can’t really think of any reason why someone wouldn’t want to be honest with their rp partners. disposing of healthy communication for things that are just going to cause anxiety. we go full circle here and in an attempt to avoid hurting anyone or getting hurt back, we hurt more than just talking probably would've done.

second, i definitely don’t mind every blog that fits newer aesthetic trends, but i really do not like those blogs that are like. super fancy photoshopped custom made theme bg ones that are maybe 1% ic/metas/content relating to their character in any way, and 99% everything else under the sun. Not saying anything like ‘oh they’re less dedicated than others’ or anything to imply that people who put effort into maintaining a certain blog aesthetic are lesser, bc that’s definitely not true. but i just. have had a few too many bad experiences with the type of muns who will, say, put hours and hours of effort into coding a fully customized theme and a coordinating google doc and making sure all their icons and banners and edits match and after all that, their blog will be active for maybe a week before burning out completely where they wipe themselves of any desire to keep playing that character before they move on to the next big thing. and i’ve sort of done this before myself. the only thing i didn't do was spend hours on a theme bc instead a friend made one for me as a gift. but i’ve been in a position where i tried to keep up a certain trend because even though i wasn't really doing anything to prove i could write, lots of people would see my blog and go ‘oh now that's a quality blog right there’ and it wore me down so much that i ditched that blog. and i thought it sucked, i can't even imagine how that made some of my writing partners feel at the time.

aand boy i had to really wrack my brain to think about a third thing that bothers me after the tangent i went on for the last 2 uhh i’d have to say i am not a fan those sorts of validation memes that are like ‘reblog/send a __ if you actually like my blog’ or popular blog rating memes. i don't vibe with 'em, bc once again, i’m guilty of overusing them in the past to try and fit in and follow trends and get a nearly constant stream of validation going. i can tell you right now it does nooot pay off in the way i used to believe it would. so anymore i’m just like. if you’re still following my blog i am going to assume that means you like it and that's my sense of validation for the day sdjgkdjghs

[lcnguor]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — Since she is an OC with her own lore I would say pretty much . Of course there are some heres and theres and she changed a lot from the first time I dragged her out of the void of my head . I originally wanted to make more of a gag character but ended up taking too much of the screen if I’m honest . but of course , since there is many other lores and crossovers are a must , some things change once or twice .

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Nora is a mentor character , supportive and most likely to be the ace under the sleeve like a Kisuke Urahara from Bleach or Sinbad from Magi --- you know there’s something fishy but there is a charm that even thought they are slidding in the background for the main character , their relevance is vast . As a mentor characters , she would often help with insight , understanding of complex things , giving moral lessons and giving others a sense of security whilst also making sure to throw hints about a doubious nature . Keeping a character around her to keep their feet on ground while never shooting down their hopes and dreams .

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  She is not approachable unless you have enough guts to -- perhaps even looks intimidating or hard to come up with something plausible to make the meeting more natural . And honestly , she looks like a mainstream angst character at first glance --- even I myself believe this and start having second thoughts ... :laughs:  

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  An old project I had archived in my closet of memories (?). She was the main , nameless character of a journal about , well , her and the emotions she had to deal with in the everyday . I will be seriously honest ... it was a self insert :blushes: after all it was like a personal journal I was doing on my darkest days . But after that , she became Sable -- the first character on her own -- who also served as a mentor ( but the story was much more dark , seriously ) and then just came to this . I even used the pre-prototype name lol . The idea was to put the whole story into a RPG pixel game or a short comic series where she ( Sable ) and the protagonist would wander around a city called “Nobody’s Home” , a place were people with “thats” ( what now are called Stalkers ) got dragged into and either confront their emotions and solve / comes in terms with them or get eaten by them ( a metaphor for suicide or dead by mental illness ) . The story was more or less about Sable teaching Nona ( the genderless protagonist ) about different mental states , issues and others and helping people solve them so they can return to the real world . Needless to say , the story ends with Nona returning after coming in terms with their condition ( funnily enough , the protagonist had a bunny shaped emotion ) while on the other hand Sable stayed behind along with her closest friend , who she question why he keeps being around if he could return himself , to what he replies he doesn’t want to leave her alone esp since she can no longer return --- hinting Sable committed suicide but by sheer will power remained there to help others to deal with what she couldn’t . Voez , the friend I mention , is even Victor from her current lore . Haha , I like recycling I guess . When I came with Nora , it was mostly to kill time and altered her base story a bit since the original plot was way to close up to make an interaction .

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  How well received she became , I know it sounds a bit ... uh , bad . But I honestly never expected people to like her . heck I even have my doubts about myself liking her haha . plus I know it’s not easy to deal with a character with a somewhat meta power ... I still struggle from time to time but I’m managing and having the support I have atm is something that keeps me going . I love plot a shit lot . I love to come up with ideas with others . To expand what I already have . besides , there is so much I haven’t write down yet that is about her lore but I’m a bit insecure yet . I guess I’m too used to forums where everyon follows a general plot haha ... old habits die hard .

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / 50-50

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO, I HATE DRABBLES.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES/ NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / .... UHHHH

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES VERY MUCH A LOT / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  I haven’t got any so far --- which honestly surprises me because well ... there is so much that can bother people . as I said , I received a lot of support and praise , which also surprises me haha ... I won’t deny I would love to hear what people think , even if I later end up riding the anxiety train to the moon but it’s also a way to grow up , I believe . god ... I sound like nora Uu

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I absolute love this and need this . It comes easier for me to make a 20 word pages of information about stuff if I’m asking specifically about it . even add explanatory drawings with it lolol since I’m kinda bad with words . besides , showing me interest on a character would just fire the heck out of me to keep going . I mean , everyone likes to get some curiosity and a chance to develop more their characters , canon or not .

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  I would for sure . I’m not smart and I actually do a shit ton of research --- but even so I can miss a lot of shit people would say <nah that’s not how it works> and that would be helpful as heckie . but of course , needing the why also would tell me if the person disagreeing is doing it with a solid ground or just because they are being a piece of crap . I’m really tired of tumblr mentality and shitty people who aren’t mature enough to act decently .

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  you cannot like everyone or have everyone like you either . I don’t really care much ... esp since nora is an original character . if it constructive critisism , okay -- I will take it , but gimme a solid reason other than “ your character is / is not ... “ and then give a crappy critique because she doesn’t fit your agenda or standards .

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  you are fucking free to unfollow me and ignore me for the rest of your life . I really don’t get the point of hating on the internet just because and keep promoting your hate just to be a pain in the ass .

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  I fucking wrote in my rules that people are even fricking free to fix my grammar and english because holy heck , even to this day I still do some ugly shit . I’m dumb , help ...

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, kinda . I take everything with water . whenever it’s of ideology , people as it is , characters ... I am quite tolerant and try to keep the “okay this person thinks this way , fine .” but as long as nobody crosses the line where they try to spoil it for me or others , I get super bitter . I love OOC , getting to know the one behind the character makes me feel more secure about coming to them and just rambling about plots and hcs and whatever idea got in my mind . but if I see someone and , forgive me god for misjudging , see them as a person that will put me on my nerves -- I won’t even try . as for the friends I have and those who don’t know me as much ... I am obnoxiously sporadic and have a lot of ups and downs very often . one day I could be talking 100 words per second others I will just take a fucking week to respond . honestly , I had mined my social skills for two years plus several other irl stuff previous to that , so I’m always a bit too anxious around people , esp people I REALLY like . I’m insecure as heck , if someone is vague ( just because , idk , it was a lazy day for them ) I think at least 10 different reason why probably that person hates me now . I’m a bit dumb 26 year old baby .......... but I’m very aware that is completely on me . I’m a mess.......  so , what was the question again ??? ... I , yeah ... it’s a kinda . but I try , at least haha.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @skyvar​ herself Tagging: y’all , cowgirls and cowbois . i hate tagging bc i forget urls :finger guns:

[butchedyke]

(for the char thing) stanley uris, mike hanlon, and patty blum

migz!!!! i’m sorry i abandoned this in favour of video games and capitalism i hope i can make it up to u uwu

this is mostly going off the movies but there’s occasional book and miniseries input- i’ve only read the first few chapters, a few wikia pages, and some character meta from the book and i’ve only seen the miniseries once vs the however many times ive watched the movies in the last 2 months so don’t expect consistency between canons

 (also i’m gonna put these under a cut because this post got really long)

stanley uris

How I feel about this character:

there is a reason i use the tag baby boy for stan (and also for miniseries eddie)!!!! he’s my favourite loser other than eddie and i want to like. hold him and make sure he’s happy and healthy and i think stephen king should treat his characters better.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

patty!!!!! their relationship in the book makes me so happy and anyone who’s ever spoken to me about stanpat knows that i am at all times thinking about how she calls his car sedanley.

that being said, i respect stenbrough, stanlon, and streddie but overall this is a stanpat household

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

stan with all the losers but especially richie! which isn’t very original since they are literally best friends but their dynamic!!! good!!!! i’ve not been able to stop thinking about that one scene from the miniseries where richie introduces stan as “this is stan the man uris, he’s a jew,” partially because it’s fucking funny because who says that richie what the fuck, but also because stan just instantly follows up by saying that richie has a high metabolism which makes him hyperactive, and maybe it’s because the miniseries is campy and a little bit shit but the delivery of those lines makes it seem like they do this a lot! they have these introductions ready to go! and i love the idea of them as a platonic package deal even if we don’t get to see much of that in the movies

My unpopular opinion about this character:

i don’t think i really have any? i tend to follow people who hold the same opinions as me tho so i have no idea what’s popular outside of that dshfk

i mean i do think fics that save eddie but not stan aren’t really fix-its and going off the amount of fics where stan’s still dead i guess that’s somehow an unpopular opinion? i know everyone’s focused on reddie rn but god like. stan is right there can we stop ignoring him pls

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

i mean the most blatantly obvious answer here is that i wish he didn’t die! he should’ve gotten to go on his holiday and rail/get railed by his wife and live to meet his friends as adults, catch up on the 27 years they didn’t get to be with each other. he should’ve gotten to have kids, once everything was over, and they should’ve been able to grow up with 5 extra uncles and an aunt bc u can’t tell me the rest of the losers wouldn’t be deeply embedded in their lives. i just wish stan had a chance to be completely, 100% happy without the underlying terror of his childhood.

on a smaller note i also wish we’d gotten to see more of his interest in birds in the movies bc like. he’s babie. and who knows! maybe would’ve helped stop the perception that his entire personality is just being a bitch that hates richie jshfd

mike hanlon

How I feel about this character:

part of the reason i wanted to read the book was for more mike content because i adore this lil farm boy and the movies. well. y’know. :). characters who just openly and whole-heartedly love their friends and go straight ride or die like 10 minutes after meeting them have my whole heart! he’s so smart and so kind and just wanted to protect his friends as best he could even though he dragged them into this whole mess bc he doesn’t want to lose them again!!!! mike deserves the whole world and if his way of getting that is by getting out of derry and getting to know that his friends remember and love him and each other then that’s all i want for him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

i wasn’t overly set on any particular mike ship until i watched the miniseries and saw the homoerotic bike montage and now i’m fully on the hanbrough train. choo choo.

just like with stan i support stanlon but endgame hanbrough is just. it’s right there in the text. bill didn’t divorce audra for nothing in ch2.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

this also kinda ties in with the last point, but jane @billdenbrough opened my eyes, in the middle of a very in-depth conversation about audra’s minion strap, to the world of best friends mike and audra who are both with bill which is both galaxy brained and an incredibly good concept which i think about a lot

also i think mike and ben could’ve had something Incredibly soft if mike wasn’t treated like a background character in the first film and a quest-giving npc in the second one :) :)

My unpopular opinion about this character:

i headcanon mike as gay, i have no textual evidence for this, i just think he’s neat. i think it’s a pretty popular opinion that the movies treated him poorly? and i also think that in ch2 he was just trying to protect his friends in a scenario that did not lend itself at all to protection. drugging bill and not telling the others about the full ritual might not have been the best thing to do, but he was in a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation, and he was trying his best to save his friends no matter how impossible it may have been.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

i uh :) i don’t know if anyone’s figured out yet :) that i wish many things had happened with mike in canon :) :) the first film doesn’t give him much but the second film just infuriates me completely tbqh! he’s basically entirely there to push the narrative (his dialogue doesn’t even sound like dialogue! it sounds like prose explaining the plot and the next steps the characters have to take!), or to drug and lie to his friends. i wish they’d kept his backstory the same, that we’d actually gotten to see him find his token, that he’d gotten a token relevant to him as an individual rather than the group, that we’d gotten a flashback for him, that he was given more screentime and development across both films, like... i wish he’d been treated like the other losers and not a plot point.

i also wish we’d gotten to see him on his travels post-canon, seeing the other losers, and just generally actually getting to be happy- we see the start of it but god i just want to see him having a good time outside of derry.

patty blum

How I feel about this character:

if she were not stan’s wife she would be my wife. we don’t get to see much of her in the movie or miniseries and that is a fucking crime!!!! i’ve already mentioned sedanley but like. sedanley. i’ve read patty’s bit in the book and that’s all i need the other 1100 pages can get fucked, she’s just here to watch family feud and love stan which i can confidently say is a huge fucking mood

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

STAN. i guess i already talked about this before but i’ll keep going!!! my love for stanpat overwhelms my usual distaste towards straight relationships bc they’re so good!!!!! the fact that they’re really the only happy relationship to come out of the 27 year gap and they love each other so much and so like... wholesomely? but they still blow each other’s backs out on the reg and it’s what they deserve.

also i sometimes think about patty/audra as like. kind of a crack ship kind of a “i’m a lesbian and i’m desperate to see lesbians” ship. i haven’t thought about it in depth i just want to plant the seed

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

stan introducing patty to the losers and patty becoming an honorary loser is my weakness!!!! patty being comfortable enough to rib richie (and richieandeddie) with stan, but also vice versa going along with richie’s bits. patty and bev getting close because as much as st*phen k*ng and co push bev as One Of The Boys(tm) there’s just something in having another woman around that can be refreshing especially when they’re both bicons. patty and mike enthusiastically sharing holiday pictures and tales of their trips. patty noticing when eddie’s having a bad day, whether it’s anxiety or lingering trauma, and supporting him through it, regaling him with stories about stan and what essentially amount to dad jokes (sedanley!!!) and making sure he knows he’s loved and supported by all the losers. patty, the teacher, and ben, lunchtimes-in-the-library ben who never outgrew his love of reading, nerding out over shit that the others don’t really know about. bill telling patty all about what stan was like as a kid in that way only bill can, richie chiming in with crude comments sometimes but noticeably keeping quieter than usual, and patty returning the favour, telling them about the last 27 years, and not even richie makes a single joke when everyone tears up (because he’s tearing up the most). stan sitting there the whole time not even bothering to point out that he’s right there because it’s enough for him to see the romantic love of his life and the platonic loves of his life bonding, and yeah, maybe it was worth sticking around for.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

i don’t know if this is unpopular but patty pegs. that’s all.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

more patty. let me see my wife.

[bigskydreaming]

fhalkfhaklfhlkak i hate this

TW really truly literally ruined the word ‘spark’ for me. Like the whole damn word. I hear it now and I’m like, NOPE, like...idk, some people who cringe when they hear the word moist or panties. Apologies to anyone who hates those words and cringed, i dont actually know if thats a thing or if like, I just have weird friends. Probably just the latter.

But anyways, Im just like...lmfao. Its so visceral too? Like I have this one original project, Waveriders, that I’ve been fiddling with off and on in the background of other projects for awhile, might have talked about it on here, idk, I don’t keep track. 

Basically its a far future sci-fi novel/setting for linked shorter works set on a gas giant that was settled by humans who figured that they can’t possibly be stepping on anyone’s toes there, its a freaking gas giant, hello, no one’s home, right? They literally have to make their own ground by using technology to form anti-gravity wells in the habitable zone of the atmosphere and like, make floating cities and then these kind of buoys scattered across the planet that create these electromagnetic currents that flow in specific ‘routes’ between the cities, and people travel between them in these flying ships that use magnetized hulls and solar sails to ride these currents, and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, bc like, why would I resist an opportunity to have floating cities and sky pirates and ancient cyborg machine dragons? Doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway, so couple thousand years after settling this planet, and by then for Plotty Reasons there are people who have what’s called waveriding abilities, like they can ‘hack’ certain wavelengths or types of energy and manipulate them in various ways, but only one kind of energy per person, and they each have their own little names and niches. 

So, y’know, basically just like ATLA, except for like, its energy powers and there are cyborg machine dragons and floating cities and sky pirates, obvsly. Plus areas of totally fucked up gravity called the badlands that are all like, criminal underworld metropolis because normal people are like lol nope, we like it when up is up and down is down, all of this is very just...nope. And also because shocking and totally unexpected plot twist, they were totally wrong about the planet being uninhabited just cuz it didn’t have Earth type ground...like, so in addition and on top of and in conjunction with all of the above and whatnot, there are these beings called Chaos Angels, that are basically like sentient quantum waveforms that can take any shape or appearance, but just, have no physical substance and yet are really good at faking that they’re not totally there when they fuck with humans, which they do a lot, because well. Why not, y’know?

But other than that, its exactly like ATLA. I’m a derivative hack. I disgust myself, truly I do.

BUT the point of this particular synaptic misfire aka ADHD ramble, is that so, okay, these different types of not!benders are all called waveriders as an overall umbrella term, but with ten different subsets of this in total, right? So people who can ‘hack’ light and manipulate it in various ways are called brightriders, and people who are tuned into soundwaves are called echo-riders, and some can manipulate the more electricity-skewed side of the electromagnetic spectrum and those are shockriders and the ones who skew more to the magnetic side are steelriders but I’m probably gonna change that because it sounds like a porno? Yeah no, just saw it outside of my notes for the first time and can confirm, definitely sounds like a porno so they’re not gonna be called steel-riders, but they will be called something steel-rider-esque. You get it.

And then there are the five weird ones that people aren’t totally quite sure how their waveriding shticks work because the kinds of energy they hack aren’t like....the kinds that work in the same way as the others with their easily discernible and patternistic wavelengths, and scientists and scholars are always arguing like but skyriders aren’t even in the same FIELD as the other waverider types because gravity isn’t even an actual ENERGY, just because we talk about gravity waves doesn’t mean they’re remotely the same thing as lightwaves, they make no SENSE, and I’m just like hahaha, I am your god, fictional scientists. Fucking deal with it. Plus it does make sense, you just don’t know the Secret Rules and Logistics that I do, pfft. 

Anyway, so the other types are boomriders who hack kinetic energy and skyriders of course obviously manipulate gravity, and then the last three are really weird, and super rare and thus don’t really have set names and just have lots of nicknames and are often just thought to be rumors. So those are the bio-riders who manipulate chemical energy though it often gets mistakenly referred to or just handwaved as being ‘life energy’ as though that’s a thing, ugh future way advanced people are so dumb sometimes, honestly. But so they can manipulate biological processes in various ways and do things with healing and also hurting, and basically just don’t piss one off ever. Like. You’ll die. And then there’s the psi-riders, who are essentially psychics and hack brainwaves, and I’m not at all bitter that I lack the balls to just go for broke and call them ghost riders like I want to, because ghost riders obviously sounds way cooler?? But also, Marvel would definitely sue?? Because they’re just, like that. 

And like, the last of the Weird Ones are the ones so super rare and also so hard to actually....tell if someone actually IS one, that most people think they don’t actually even exist and are just an unsubstantiated like, theoretical idea some scientist had once while high and then just, never shut up about so eventually the idea caught on. And those are the quantum-riders, or luck-riders, basically they theoretically manipulate quantum wavelengths in ways that are almost impossible to identify, like theoretically they wouldn’t even know they were doing it? Anyway, so lots of times, what are actually quantum-riders are just jealously thought to be like, really fucking lucky assholes. Even though the way their powers work really don’t have anything to do with luck or even probability, specifically, like that’s a simplistic approximation and its more like they manipulate possibilities but also shut up me, nobody cares.

ANYWAY, people who can count and who actually bothered to would probably notice by now like the funky little geniuses they are that all of those still only adds up to nine. And that’s because of the last one, the one that SHOULD go up in the brightrider, shockrider, notpornIswear!steel-rider hierarchy or taxidermy or whatever the fuck. And these are the ones who manipulate what’s essentially thermal energy, or more accurately the microwave-skewing side of the ultraviolet spectrum whereas brightriders are just the ones who skew more to the infrared side of it.

And the long and short of all of this Unnecessary-ness and the source of my fit of pique and ensuing ramble-palooza....is that ORIGINALLY, they were SUPPOSED to be called sparkriders.

But OBVIOUSLY I can’t call them that anymore, because like. I tried, and I was like ugh you drama queen slash whiny pissbaby, it was just a shitty teen supernatural show and SPARK WAS NEVER EVEN CANON, do not let THEM win and ruin a perfectly good classification name! But I did. I did let it ruin them, and its. Well. Its a problem, because I kept thinking up ways to kill off the sparkrider characters for absolutely no reason at all instead of like....thinking up ways to make the plot do what it was outlined to do in their parts of the story.

This may come like, way out of left field, and just SHOCK and STUN and BEWILDER some of you, like....no way, srsly? But yeah, true story, among my many canon mental neuroses like ADHD, PTSD, magical depression hour and super fun anxiety like....there is a tiny possibility (aka actual diagnosis) that while I don’t talk about this much, or ever really, I do have a smidge of ye old OCD? Its not like, a big thing and doesn’t really affect my daily routines and that’s pretty much why I never usually bring it up or list it alongside the rest of the crap on my neurodivergence resumé or whatever, because like, there’s already WAY too many misconceptions out there about what OCD actually is and what constitutes it, and tons of people are always jokingly but also thinking they’re kinda half serious, like ‘oh I’m so OCD about this and this and that’ and its like. LOL. Are you though? You sure?

Anyway, but point being, the way mine manifests for me is like...not actually a problem? Like, I don’t actually have any REAL complaints about it at all, just half-assed little fits of pique ones like this, which is the other part of why I never bring it up, because too often ppl just can’t fathom that OCD or even any kind of neurodivergence can be...WANTED, or a good thing, and lololol, that’s ableism, folks. But its true, I don’t actually mind mine at all, even if it occasionally makes things frustrating, when I get stuck like I am now. But the flip side of it is....its actually a pretty huge part of my creativity and just the way my mind works in general....like, what people accredit to me being particularly insightful about character analysis or drawing connections or stuff like that in meta or fics or my novels or worldbuilding...that’s what it is. That’s my OCD in action. 

My brain like...REQUIRES that I find patterns in....pretty much everything. Even day to day mundane stuff too, though like I said, its mild enough there that it doesn’t fuck with my routines too much, but like, I have to order things into nice, neat patterns and groupings. And if there aren’t any that are immediately obvious, I kinda pretty much HAVE to dig deeper until I find some on a slightly deeper level, something beneath the surface or first glance, and keep going until I find something.....or worst case scenario, I have to like....add stuff and embellish and fill in gaps with my own ‘content’ until I have the rough edges rounded off into something that CAN be stacked neatly atop some other part of the story or whatever it is I’m focusing on? And the obsessive-compulsive part for me is like, lol, I gotta find it SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. 

My brain literally won’t shut off or grudgingly accept being diverted to a different subject until I’ve made some kind of pattern or flowchart or classification system. It will literally keep me up for hours, going over the same things over and over from every angle until I find SOME way to....reassemble or restructure it in some nice, neat little order of some type. I mean that’s basically what it is. My brain insists on me forming some semblance of order out of any glimpse I have of what I would otherwise term creative chaos. And it won’t give up until it gets what it wants, which when you throw in my ADHD and how often I’ll get derailed off on slight tangents but with my OCD then sooner or later forcing me back to the original focus, rinse and repeat ad nauseam....like. LOL. I learned to operate on very little sleep from a pretty young age by necessity, its just...my brain, dudes. Its just like that.

But the perks are like, I pretty much think this is WHY I’m so creative....because my brain, for as long as I can remember, has always just kinda....forced me to be? Also probably has a lot to do with well...eh, I don’t need to talk about that right now. Whatever. Anyway, point being, so....I do like the end results very much so, and for all its....Why Must You Be Like This eccentricities, I’m quite attached to my brain and would not be very likely to agree to a trade even were one possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I could do without the PTSD and anxiety, if we’re just, like....talking some pruning shears or whatever, but the actual creative machinery, I’m keeping. Ultimately it just means I really fucking like patterns and finding patterns or making patterns where previously there were none, or at least none that were easy to spot.

But ugh, man, these are the rare times when I’m like omg, just call it a day, we don’t ACTUALLY have to come up with the perfect replacement name for that one relatively small and insignificant detail of a much larger story that isn’t even in the Top Ten list of my main priorities at the moment. And my asshole of a brain is just like....yeah no, we gotta. You know the rules dude, you decided it was official, that name didn’t work anymore and was never gonna, so now we gotta find a replacement or else things will be UNEVEN?? The pattern will be...missing a piece? There will be CHAOS AND ANARCHY IN THE STREETS THAT RUNNETH OVER WITH BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

And so I’m like....literally sitting here googling synonyms for spark because I’m just like that sometimes, lmfao. Oh and of course its gotta be a GOOD replacement, naturally. I can’t just shoehorn in a somewhat acceptable substitute that in the back of my mind I’m expecting to only be temporary, until I come up with something better. See, because my brain will KNOW, and it will NOT be okay with that, because that is CHEATING. And my brain, apparently, has strong feelings about cheating, which is weird and fairly unexpected of me, IMO.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read through that instead of scrolling, I honestly have zero idea why I felt like sharing it, I just did and thus I did. *shrugs* 

[marshmallowgoop]

Satsuki meta anon here again, apologies, but I was reading some meta that you wrote surrounding Soichiro/Isshin and his relatively necessity to abandon both his daughters, and wanted to contribute my own thoughts on the matter, specifically around the matter of difference of the nature of how alone both of them are. You nailed it completely with Ryuko. Isshin left Ryuko alone, wounded by his severance of their closeness in her early years and making it nearly impossible to bond with others. But-

-my reading of Satsuki’s situation is one of equal isolation, if of a different kind. Soichiro introduced her to a world where she can’t even trust her own mother, usually one of the, if not the most, strongest bonds a child could have at that age. Coupled with the fact that she was likely taught early on that being a child of a family with the wealth and power meant that people would try and use her for a piece of that, and you have a recipe for a grieving child incapable of trust without major investments of time and effort and frankly, some testing. 

Soroi is in the employ of the family, paid by the family to serve Satsuki. In the beginning, while she accepted his attempts to comfort her via tea and an introduction of one of her closest friends, its very likely that she didn’t trust him right away even if she desperately wanted to bc of how closely money could play a part in that kind of trust. Yes Soichiro asked Soroi to look after her, but is that something he could have easily conveyed to her at that junction and have her believe it? I think the trust they attained by the time Satsuki went to middle school was very hard earned on Soroi’s part. 

When it comes to Nonon, the light novel confirms that she didn’t find Satsuki interesting until she was very deeply troubled, a change that Satsuki very likely noticed the difference in her interest beyond that of two children of powerful families associating together. They may have been friends since preschool, but arguably Satsuki did not trust her until Nonon followed her away from a school that suited Nonon’s tastes and into a rougher one. Iori likely suffered from being placed in a similar boat as Soroi, not to be trusted for the sake of his uncle’s employment until proof otherwise (obviously earned as well, considering just how central Iori was to her plans and inner circle). 

While Ryuko was utterly alone because of a broken ability to bond from separation anxiety turned to abandonment issues, Satsuki found herself alone among others who might very well sell her out for power or money, regardless of their true intentions. Both are very isolating situations. And I’d argue that trusting people with plans and secrets and perhaps your life are markedly different than fully entrusting your heart to them, which has been played up by the anime as a large difference between Ryuko and Satsuki. Where Ryuko opens her heart to Mako and Senketsu, Satsuki’s heart remains closed still until far later.

In fact, because of this, Ragyo saying ‘give your heart over to me’ (Netflix subs, I think I’ve seen it translated as ‘entrust your heart to me’ as well) has always stood out to me as understanding Satsuki doesn’t trust like that, which is what separates her from Nui and Rei. 

Apologies for the length of this, and that I keep doing this your inbox, but this interpretation has been sitting inside of me since 2014. 

Oh my goodness, Anon!

I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, but I think you really ought to be posting these analyses under your own name. You deserve credit for your excellent work! As much as I’m thrilled that someone would want to discuss these topics at such length with me—seriously, you do not have to apologize at all for engaging with my content so much because that is literally my goal—I feel that you should also be getting recognition for what you do. I know how much time and effort goes into writing stuff like this.

Of course, I do understand that there are valid reasons to wish to be anonymous. I just want to say that these are good, detailed posts that could stand very well on their own, without any input from me.

Regarding my input here, these asks remind me of a line from “KILL la KILL Digest -Naked Memories by Aikuro Mikisugi-,” a quick recap “episode” that was included as a DVD/Blu-ray extra. Narrated by Aikuro, the short briefly explains the entire plot of Kill la Kill and then sets up the OVA with its final lines: “As for Satsuki Kiryuin, who led such an intense life ever since she could remember, totally alone… What kind of clothes will she choose to wear from now on? That’s the one thing that intrigues me.”

As you might expect, I always disagreed with the sentiment of Satsuki being “totally alone.” In the tags of one post, I even wrote, in response, “Nah man you’re thinking of Ryuko” and, “Satsuki had Soroi and Shiro and her Elite Four.” As I argued in the essay that you’re probably referring to, Isshin/Soichiro left Ryuko alone—and drj2008 even opened me up to the idea that he perhaps very purposely created and utilized Ryuko’s loneliness so that she would be so desperate for love that she’d bond more easily with Senketsu—but Isshin/Soichiro did at least assure that Satsuki would always have someone by her side when he told Soroi to look after her.

And I think that’s the key point of difference here. I’d never before considered that Soroi would need to gain Satsuki’s trust because I assumed he had it from the very start. My interpretation was that Soroi had to be a dear, close friend of Soichiro for Soichiro to ever ask him to look after Satsuki, and Satsuki—who adored her father, arguably to a troubling degree—wouldn’t question her father’s judgment. From the moment Soroi and Satsuki met, I believed that she would know, just by understanding Soroi’s relation to her father, that Soroi was someone to be trusted.

But I see now that my reading makes a lot of assumptions. Who knows when exactly Soroi told Satsuki that Soichiro had asked him to look after her? Satsuki might have been informed that Soroi was her father’s choice in some way (which is… actually quite curious, honestly), and Soroi might have told her that he knew everything early on, but you’re right—we don’t really know. I think your reading is very fair.

Concerning Nonon, I agree completely. I found Nonon’s part in the light novel to be absolutely tragic. Talking about the story, I once said, “It just shows how Satsuki did not trust Nonon at all.” Nonon was head-over-heels infatuated with Satsuki, but Satsuki didn’t even bother to tell Nonon when she was moving schools. That’s the exact opposite of trust.

I swear I don’t normally talk about my fanfiction in my essays as much as I have been in these responses, but I explored Satsuki and Nonon’s dynamic in a short Satsunon Roman Empire AU. In my piece, Nonon learns that Satsuki is going away by hearing some chatter, and to prove to Satsuki that she’s worth trusting, she runs to Satsuki before Satsuki leaves, declaring that she’s coming with no matter what. At the end of the fic—and this is the relevant part here—Satsuki meets with Nonon again after the world has been saved, and Satsuki finally opens her heart up, noting that she wants Nonon by her side, as a friend and equal, and she’s done with being treated as a goddess to be worshipped.

And I think that’s a big thing you’re touching on here, Anon. Satsuki may have had all these people around her, but many of them considered her to be something more than human. And that is lonely. It’s difficult to reveal your insecurities and doubts and fears to someone who sees you as a god. After all, they’re probably not going to listen; they think you’re “above” all that. Satsuki was very much isolated, just like Ryuko.

However, I still disagree with Aikuro’s assertion that Satsuki was “totally alone,” mainly due to Soroi. Regardless of how long Satsuki took to open up to Soroi, I think she most certainly had trusted him with her heart at least by the events of the series. The moment where the two converse about Soroi’s tea in episode 17 is probably the most telling example within the show itself; Satsuki smiles genuinely for Soroi and even reveals her hidden emotions, readily admitting that she may have been more compassionate in the past.

I can’t definitively say how much Satsuki let Shiro or the Elite Four in, but Soroi? There is complete and total trust here. And while I dislike comparing Soroi to Senketsu because I feel this too easily lends itself to the interpretation that Senketsu is a father figure to Ryuko (which is my absolute least favorite reading of Kill la Kill and one that I consider to be a complete and total misreading of the text #PleaseStopSenketsuIsRyuko’sDadTheories2k19), I do have to admit that Soroi is, for the majority of the anime, the one person whom Satsuki seems to truly be herself with, just as Senketsu is for Ryuko. 

Concerning the episode 17 scene mentioned above, I think it’s also pretty telling that Satsuki’s moment with Soroi occurs just after an intimate conversation between Ryuko and Senketsu that the script even emphasizes as a heart-to-heart that Ryuko deliberately wanted to have with Senketsu and Senketsu alone. Sure, I’ve argued in the past that the real connection between the scenes comes from Ryuko’s later chat with Aikuro and the fact that both Aikuro and Satsuki are discussing Soichiro/Isshin, but it’s also true that both Ryuko and Satsuki have very vulnerable, humanizing moments here. Soroi knows Satsuki’s heart, and she reveals it to him, just as Ryuko (quite literally!) shares her heart with Senketsu.

Of course, I think it’s clear that Ryuko’s relationship with Senketsu is one among peers while Soroi takes on a fatherly role for Satsuki in the place of Soichiro, but Soroi is still someone whom Satsuki trusts with her whole heart and soul. As pointed out, it may very well be true that Satsuki didn’t have that kind of trust in Soroi immediately, but I figure it can’t have taken too terribly long for the relationship between them to become close. After all, as noted in the aforementioned episode 17 scene, even young Satsuki smiled for Soroi when she had stopped smiling at school. Satsuki wasn’t being genuine, yes, but she was still breaking her hard guise for Soroi, and 18-year-old Satsuki is even surprised that she wasn’t honest back then, implying that she feels they’ve been as close as they are since practically the beginning.

I know this got terribly long, but I don’t at all disagree that Satsuki had also been subjected to an isolating situation. It is lonesome to feel, as outlined in an early advertisement introducing Satsuki’s character, that “humans are clothes-wearing pigs” whom she must “dominate,” “rule over,” and “destroy,” all while “relying on no one.” It is awful to believe that you have to do everything all alone, without sharing your true self with anyone.

And it’s sad, too! Satsuki’s struggles to truly trust others lead her to inadvertently hurt the people she cares about, and there’s something especially tragic about how Satsuki used and manipulated her own sister—whom Satsuki was fighting for all along!—rather than tell the girl the truth and trust her. As I’ve written in the past, “While Satsuki is not truly against Ryuko, her plan prevents them from being close. The thought of Satsuki fills Ryuko with hatred… when they could have been allies and friends. Satsuki’s tired, sad frown as Ryuko returns to normal [after going berserk in episode 12], juxtaposed with the Mankanshoku family’s shock and Nui’s bemusement, does well in hinting that maybe Satsuki wishes she had Mako’s power herself… and she’s sorry that she doesn’t.”

But more than all this, even Ryuko points out how alone Satsuki is after fighting Satsuki to a draw in episode 15. Ryuko only gets as far as she does by putting her complete and utter faith in Senketsu—and notably here, she follows through with his strategy even without knowing exactly what he intends to do—and she recognizes that Satsuki… doesn’t bond like that.

In pushing a point like this, I think the show definitely wants viewers to notice that Satsuki is stuck in a hard, isolating situation where she feels she can’t entrust her heart to anyone.

But I think the show also wants viewers to notice that Satsuki is more than capable of loving and trusting in the same way that Ryuko does. Ryuko doesn’t have a clue about someone like Soroi when she accuses Satsuki of being by herself, and as I’ve emphasized all throughout this monster of a post, I wholeheartedly believe that at least Soroi had fully earned Satsuki’s trust, even if it took a moment. Satsuki just about always had someone she felt safe with, whereas Ryuko… lost all that when her father abandoned her and didn’t find it again until she met the Mankanshokus and Senketsu. There’s a reason that one of Ryuko’s defining features is her loneliness, pointed out in her character introduction with the line, “Ever since I could remember, I was alone,” in her (and Senketsu’s) theme song “Before my body is dry” with lines like, “But I’m all alone,” and, “Don’t wanna be all alone,” in her fantasy world in episodes 20-21, and even by the cast, such as when the Mankanshokus note that Ryuko has to be super lonely to talk to her clothes or when even Ragyo tells Satsuki to go join her “lonely little sister” in death.

Ryuko gets a lot of heat for not being as strong as Satsuki upon learning her true origins, but I argue that you can’t really blame her. Even if Satsuki closed off her heart to most people, she undoubtedly grew up with a support system that Ryuko did not have until practically adulthood. Satsuki manages to keep her head up and carry on not only because of her immeasurable resolve and ambition, but also because she has a lifetime of love and support. Satsuki is not as alone as Ryuko claims (and I’d really like the Satsuki-centric Kill la Kill the Game: IF to elaborate on Ryuko understanding as much), and I feel that Soroi is genuinely an unsung hero of Kill la Kill. Could Satsuki have been nearly as strong without his influence?

I guess this is maybe a bit off topic, though.

In any case, I definitely agree that Satsuki struggled to open her heart to others, and I definitely agree that this is a hard, sad, awful place to be in. Part of what makes Satsuki’s team-up with Senketsu near the end of the series so sweet to me is that it is here that Satsuki really begins to open up. She doesn’t look down on Senketsu, she acknowledges his feelings, and in a cut moment from the script, she even outright tells him to wear her, thereby fully and completely trusting him to work with her and save Ryuko. Senketsu noting that his and Satsuki’s “hearts are as one” in episode 21 is one of the most heartwarming things in the entire anime when you consider everything that Satsuki has gone through. She’s been afraid to trust and afraid to show her true self to anyone, and yet… to save her sister, she opens up her heart to someone she had once considered evil and incapable of love.

And after this? Satsuki, despite saying in her introduction that she will be “bowing down to no one,” bows down to Ryuko.

And she smiles openly.

She laughs.

Satsuki was absolutely stuck in this lonesome, isolating position. But just like Ryuko, she gets out of it—and just like Ryuko, it’s so incredibly, incredibly sweet that she does.

[flying-elliska]

Hi Ellie! I really don’t want to bother you with these things while you’re on your vacation, but you really seem to have a nice understanding of it and I kind of wanted to read what you think. I’ve read so many things about how creating art can be great for mental health. I’m at a point in my depression in which I can tell I need something like that to pour my thoughts into like painting or writing and the idea excites me, but I don’t have the mental energy to do it. How do you handle this?

Hey dear anon ! Those types of questions never bother me don't worry, even tho I might sometimes take a little time answering but I'm having a bit of a solitary time out today so here goes.

I think this is a very important question ; I don't have a clear cut answer though, this is also something I often struggle with. But here are a few considerations :

- First of all, are you blocking yourself with stuff like perfectionism, super high expectations of yourself/what 'art' should be ? Because that can be a huge drain. I think it's important to offset that by taking a 'playground' approach. Or whatever works. And think that whatever you manage to do, it's always better than the blank page. It's training, and it's a healing process. Don't be afraid to try stuff, stop if you're not into it anymore, and see it all as a beautiful process...and to try to have fun, even if it feels silly at first.

- Another thing : mental illness can often create this void in your brain and life, where you close yourself off and creating only from your inner miasma can be so painful. So I think it's important to know what feeds and recharges you creatively ; what spurs your need to create in an easy, fun way. These are going to be times where you're not actively creating and yet, you're still working on it. For me it's stuff like walking in the woods, finding myself in foreign places, modern art exhibitions, reading fun and fast fantasy YA and social science articles, and simply good music...but I think everyone has their own. Stuff that makes you excited to create, and curious about the world.

- So yeah, also don't be afraid to be a little derivative. Find your role models and copy them a little (not directly and for profit of course lol) - write fanfic or meta, try to imitate a certain style...I find this is a good way to let go of your fears and ego and let yourself be guided by the genius of others. It can be very freeing and fun. And maybe you understand more why they did this or that in that way. And learn a lot about yr own voice.

- Just do the fun parts. Know what they are for you and when you are feeling down, skip to them. I write fanfic abt lawyers without researching much about the legal system lol bc it annoys me. I sketch too without really bothering about clean up. You can be picky or harsh w yourself another day. I didn't come up w this but I think it's also important to let yrself create shitty things and see it as part of the process. And on days where you are really not feeling it consider the easiest possible ways of doing stuff like doodling on a page, making collages, or speaking into yr dictaphone app. It's important to take breaks also of course.

- Another key thing is to start considering creating as part of your mental health routine and self-care. For me I know keeping a diary is essential, otherwise I go all antsy. I've been trying out to write more letters to vent about my emotions and tearing them up too. I know drawing works wonders for a lot of people. You can say this may not be art but actually I really practiced my (self) observation skills, ability to describe emotions, I found interesting metaphors and ideas...but also I think to create you need a sort of...flow of emotions, and familiarity with them. Even the ugly parts. I think creating requires a sort of radical (self) acceptance, so you can truly see yrself and others without wanting to set everything on fire.

- I find it really helps to find other people who are into creating the same type of stuff as you and are creative in general and make them into "accomplices" - I have a friend who is super into making zines so I've been working on one of my own, I found sb to write fic with, a really good beta, someone who loves to go to museums as much as me....that gives me extra energy when I'm lacking.

- Become more observant of real life around you. Watch ppl, listen how they talk. Observe how light falls. The patterns of nature. Try to notice new smells, new sounds, new tastes, little details (this is also a good exercise to deal w anxiety/dissociation tbh). Think about what they imply. Become a sort of poetic detective. Try to find new metaphors. Practice mindful openness, but also sharpen your skills, and decide what place to give what you perceive.

- Also I'm finding the "try to do sth for 10 min" thing is really useful. Sometimes I think I'm tired as in "I don't have the energy" but really I'm tired in a "I have an emotional block and I'm letting it sit on me" way. So having this idea of just starting sth for 10 min, often I find it liberates me and then I want to keep going. And if I really don't feel it I stop but having tried does give me a good feeling.

- Finally I think it's just...fall in love w yr own creative process. Your characters, the story you love, the things you want to depict, the irrepressible need that drives you...your own "symbolic culture". To get a bit woowoo for a minute I really believe that we all have this sort of...unconscious cauldron of creative stuff in our deepest selves, made of memories and experiences and core questions and sensory memory-triggers and fears and hopes and thought patterns and stories. It's always shifting but the more we engage w it and feed it the more rich it becomes. You can do stuff like write down your dreams, think about what your favorite characters have in common, try to do creative meditation, freewrite/doodle, go on "creative dates" w yrself ala Julia Cameron...and whenever it responds I think you'll know. It always gives me this feeling of...groundedness, satisfaction, but also openness to mystery and a powerful urge to create.

Anyway I hope you find your own ways to make. Pls feel free to tell me how it goes, and good luck 🧡💛💖💛🧡💖

[the-cryptographer]

I know you probably get asked this a lot, but I can't help myself. You can tell me to fuck off if you don't want to answer, though. Do you still want to finish Lottery Ticket? Because it's one of my favorite YGO fics and the idea of you dropping it makes me so very sad.

It’s fine anon. I mean, I appreciate the recognition that I don’t owe you an answer or free content or anything, but I don’t get asked too often so it’s not a bother. And I’m not gonna tell you to ‘fuck off’.

Short answer is that - No, I’m not dropping Lottery Ticket. I still want to finish it. And, although I’m moving at a glacial pace, I was working on writing the next chapter as recently as sometime last week.

I’m going to give a longer answer though - Yeah, I also get scared I’m not gonna be able to finish it sometimes too. Not in the sense that it’s not important to me, but in the sense that I’ve been writing it for over two years, am over 100k words into it, and I’m not even halfway through the the planned story. I hope that I’ll be able to pick up the pace at some point, but moreso I hope that two or four or however many years in the future I’ll still care as much about finishing it as I do now. I’m kind of lucky I had some experience under my belt when I first started writing LT, enough to be able to know that I need to have a rather concrete understanding of my plot and story structure to see a long project through. But what LT has really driven home is that I have a very poor understanding of how many words and chapters (and how much time) it takes to execute the ideas in an abstract outline.

Also, yeah, idk how obvious it is, but Lottery Ticket is pretty personal to me. Not in the sense that I grew up with a gambling alcoholic dad, started a long distance relationship with a classy older woman straight out of my teenage years, or worked as a gofer for the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. But a lot of the themes it deals with - feeling trapped in a household with a deteriorating abuser, class struggle through the lens of the more personal relationships between employers and employees, codependency and not being able to trust that people love you bc they depend on you, the intersectionality of poverty, racism, and crime, etc. etc. are all pretty heavy themes that I care deeply and personally about. And you’d think that that would make this story easier to write at times, but it mostly just makes it more difficult. It often feels a lot easier to rattle off oneshots about characters and ideas that, while maybe not entirely without emotional gravitas for me, certainly don’t hit as many soft spots so consistently.

And, in a more immediate sense, yea- next chapter is killer. I recently complained on twitter about how the draft for it cracked 8k, and I didn’t feel it was remotely finished. I like to divide the chapters so that they individually have a crescendo of rising and falling action - or at least that’s what I tell myself - so, having established the previous chapter that the next chapter is going to be about dealing with this problem where Jou owes an ungodly amount of money to yakuza affiliates and has no paycheck to pay with, I don’t think it really makes sense for me to post until I’ve reached a resolution to that conflict eleven days later. But, in addition to the mad scramble for cash, the chapter also has to include Jou dragging an unconscious Kaiba home, Jou negotiating with his landlord, scenes with Honda and Yuugi that establish how Jou feels about relying on them, an extendend flashback with Mai (& Anzu) that does much the same thing in addition to giving more background on Jou’s living situation, all that foreshadowing, etc. Also, I was kind of up in the air about whether or not to include this scene in this chapter or next - because there is /so much/ this chapter and I have very little concretely planned for next chapter - but I’m increasingly coming to think that Jou should confront his dad about the stolen paycheck this chapter instead of next one. Like- Jou’s kind of avoiding coming face to face with his dad and directly asking him for the money back. And the idea is that Jou’s been in situations similar enough to this in the past, that he already knows what the likely result of such a confrontation is and that it’s probably a dead end. So he’d prefer to wait until after the situation with Kyoutarou is dealt with to speak to dad. But the more I think about it, the more I realise the audience doesn’t have the same information that Jou does, and would probably benefit more from seeing the outcome of that confrontation firsthand. And to see it firsthand while there is still a hypothetical possibility for Jou’s dad to somehow influence the outcome when Jou goes to pay his debt, instead of after it’s somewhat of a moot point.

And, yeah, that brings me to the last part, which is the anxiety for what comes after the next chapter. As I’ve said, the fic is plotted out pretty heavily, but the two-three chapters after the next one are the part of the fic I have planned out the least in terms of their concrete events. I know the scene that the chapter after next ends on, but I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to fill the first part of it in with beyond the extremely vague ‘need to have a scene with Mokuba and start filling in more foreshadowing before the shit entirely hits the fan’. This isn’t explicitly a problem, per se, because Lotto Ticket has a big cast and there are a lot of threads I can pick up with Mai, Anzu, Shizuka, Honda, Yuugi, the other secretarial staff, etc that will hopefully fill out the pacing gaps in a way that will hopefully be entertaining and insightful, before I get back to the more solidified chapters directly preceding and including the climax of Part 2.

And, mmm, in addition to the anxiety related to chapter planning or lack thereof, there’s also just anxiety about what I’m going to have the characters say, do, and think? Next chapter is going to start dropping some pretty horrible headcanons about Jounouchi’s misogyny and his criminal record that I think should reasonably turn some people away from a fic featuring him as the protag. Following this he will spend a while comparing Seto rather unfavorably to Mai, and I mean that in an extremely intimate relational sense. And while I, as the author, know this is him struggling with his own homophobia and that it’s not meant to reflect negatively in a meta sense on Seto or JouKai, it takes a while before Jounouchi even starts to get over himself. Also, like, I’ve dropped some hints already that Jou and Mai have an open relationship (and that it’s a setup Jou’s not very happy about and kind of considers cheating anyhow). But I think the further progression of the “cheating” as it exists in this fic has the potential to be increasingly upsetting for readers, and it’s also the first of multiple issues regarding Jounouchi not really having a very good understanding of consent. And, finally, although I started the fic with a rather stark and controversial picture of Mokuba, and have since tried really hard to communicate that he is the same kid from canon that loves his brother to death, we have absolutely not reached the worst in his conflict and anger with his brother and I’m sure at least a few people won’t like it. And, mmm, I’m not really willing to compromise any of these things or tone them down. Even the few that aren’t directly baked solid into the plot structure of the fic, even the ones that I’m really not going to be able to frame in such a way that I can address them in detail given Jounouchi’s POV, I think they’re all extremely thematic and pointed towards the story’s idea of the situation Jounouchi grew up in, what he learned from it, and how much is at stake or not at stake, when he tries (or doesn’t try) to escape the poverty and abuse that (at least in part) defined him. But, yeah, idk. Even though I’m decided in that ‘this is the story i’m gonna write and no other’ it’s still anxiety provoking to think about readers being upset with me or dropping the fic even if I think their reasons for doing so would be completely justified - you know what I mean?

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to ramble about writing (or not writing) one of my favourite fics, anon. I hope I’ll be able to get the next chapter out sooner rather than later.

[iamanartichoke]

Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair). 

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better. 

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue. 

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument. 

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread. 

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days. 

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore. 

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on. 

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was. 

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent. 

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied. 

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before. 

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization? 

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling. 

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day. 

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte. 

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom. 

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue. 

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say. 

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother. 

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.) 

[clairelutra]

a year in review ♥

meme stolen from @isadorator!!! (also she stored all of her fic there and i stg as soon as i can rest i’m diving in ITADAKIMASU ♥)

January

puppeteer chapter 6 (aka that threesome one)

river flows in you

ladrien --- marichat-style

secret valentine --- the introduction

of all the things to start the year with //faceinhands

i think this was the ‘this is really fun but oh my god so exhausting and I HAVE STANDARDS TO LIVE UP TO NOW HE L P’ stage right here, feat. me losing my computer to hardware failure and continuing to attempt writing anyway :’D

(my biggest memory of this time is that i was writing an akumized!marinette fic in a private mobile browser window with gmail, of all places, and accidentally x’d out of the tab and lost like 5 hours of work :’D //never recovered from that whoops ;;;)

February

secret valentine!!!!

aka the month of proving that:

green smoothies really work for brainfuel

i am actually capable of (at least short-term) consistency

ladrien is Some Good Shit

spite really is the best motivator :’D

basically, i started following the ladrien tag and at least once a week someone would come up with a new meta about why Marichat Is Better Than Ladrien (often featuring, Ladrien Is Unhealthy and/or Ladrien Would Crash And Burn Fast, And Here Is Why), and do you know

as a ladrien shipper

how infuriating that was

the last straw was someone insisting that you really just couldn’t slowburn ladrien

and like

bitch?

p l e a s e.

(i fooled you all by acting sweet; this is who i really am :’D)

(i am absolutely the kind of person who would write the longest fic i’ve ever completed simply to slowburn it because someone said that it couldn’t be done :’DDDDDDD)

(fuck you, person whom i can no longer remember. i showed you.

...with this fic that you will never care to read, because i wrote it about your notp long after you’d voiced your thoughts about said notp :’D)

(#hallielogic)

March

no room for jesus

fun with friends and.... that’s about it

(o hai there, impending existential crisis >.>;;;;

it was a month of panic attacks and essays that were probably a lot less shit than my english professor wanted to tell me and do you know how hard that was for someone as anxiety-ridden and a-type as i am

do you)

April

ladrien --- wrong number

ladrien --- swim

ladrien --- hug

fake married au

boku no hero acadamia au

aka, the month where i found out how spiritbreaking it is to:

start to consistently fail to please not one, but two people you admire greatly

one of whom is your teacher and in charge of your grades

whose job it is to judge your writing

which is your Thing

who doesn’t like you, but is too pleasant to let it on to your face

while you’re dealing with abruptly losing the sympathy and patience of the one person you go to for emotional support (explanation: my mom went on hormone treatment and it fucked with her mood b a d)

while dealing with watching both of your parents’ heath deteriorate fast

april was h e l l  o n  e a r t h

fake married au was an emotional crutch that sort of kept me back from the brink, honestly :’D (look! see! i’m not a waste of existence! people like this thing i made!! see!!!)

(orz)

major, major s/o to @peridipshit and giselle (no tumblr that i know of ;;; ) for counseling me through more than one lunch-table breakdown :’D;;;

(now excuse me while i go find a paper bag ;;; )

May

aka the month of ‘i am too mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted to do jack shit, someone please put me out of my misery’

also the month bang bang on tumblr hit 1k notes!

June

no room for the devil

hope we don’t get caught kiss

pillow fight!

pillow fight! the second

a time travel snippet

July

get lucky

a bunch of 3 sentence/short fic aus that i’m not gonna link bc #lazy

aka the ‘well i’m not in that hellish situation anymore so i should be able to just bounce right back, right?’ stage followed by the ‘okay okay that didn’t work; let’s start smaller‘ stage

i still plan to finish get lucky someday --- maybe we’ll see how alive i am after spring semester :’D

August

more short au fics

scary sabine au

unnamed ladynoir flirting

abo au

sidekick au piece

genderbent au

pictured: me, pumping my fists and going ‘okay, okay, okayokayokay i can do this’

September

somebody loves you

mlnsfweek (unfinished, dang it)

ladynoir --- reunion

everybody talks

getting better, getting better

everything’s still pretty disconnected and i still couldn’t bring myself to commit to anything that’d take longer than a day, but... improvement (9′-’)9

October

beauxbatons au

enemies phineas and ferb au

stop desire

more break-taking /o/

getting used to writing on my phone to fill the long hours of boredom that had taken my schedule by storm \o\

(also, unseen, i joined the remix challenge and loved and hated it :’D

also also started being almost kindasorta able to take concrit again (after the hell of march/april), and so started working with mirth again for the first time in months ;; ♥ \o/!!)

November

yuri on ice fics~~

soulmate au

make ‘em blush

exorcist au

self-indulgent marichat/ladynoir

yet another enemies au

mari-the-oblivious-lesbian genderbent au

genderbent crack smut

d a n . Adrien ur bobbie s

two important things happened at once in this month:

1) f i n a l l y got a medication that seemed to agree with me??? after literal years of testing???? everything is brighter now holy shit???????

2) rp!!! with!!!!!! mirth!!!!!!!! :DDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

which of the above is to thank for my astonishingly good mood??? i have literally no idea

aaaalso i got to remix bully’s fic in the remix challenge and that was great and fun as heck????? holy shit :D

lowkey dipped into another fandom there for a lil bit, but got too frustrated with the source material and dropped it ;;;

tl;dr: all in all, november was pretty great

December

marichat kissing lessons

do it 2 me

high-class callgirl au

cap-inspired crack

cru-inspired adrinette fluff-crack

moooore enemies au

shake up christmas

gods and godesses au

not pictured: like, almost 20k of rp goodness :D

medication and rp continue to do the trick, i start back in on things i haven’t touched in ages (’i want the k’ memes and get lucky, specifically), and the aus keep coming

signed up for waaaay too much towards the end there and spent like a week on too much stress and f a r too much caffeine, but actually feel well enough these days to start seeking help when i need it?? amazing

idk, mild caffeine od aside, the year ended on a high note

Total Year’s Output: ao3 tells me that it’s 93,383 words, but that not including a bunch of stuff i never bothered to upload there, and/or are still in wip form

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

mmmmh, a little less? i was pulling a steady 10k a month towards the end of 2k15, which is when i started writing for real, but understandable, considering the whole mid-year mental breakdown and subsequent recovery :’D

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January 2016?

aus of any sort! like actual legit ‘let’s fuck shit up’ aus :D i’ve always wanted to, but always thought my tastes ran just too weird to pull any off in any readable, enjoyable format? the exorcist au and the gods and goddesses au are pretty good examples of the aus i come up with when left to my own devices, except that those are on the tame end of ‘weird’ for me :’D

also i’ve relaxed my rigid stance on ‘love square o n l y’ and dipped my toes into poly ships and things like adrialya, which i probably never would’ve done before :’D

What’s your favourite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest.

HOT MESS

HOT MESS IS MY MOST-ADORED CHILD

i’m still not 100% sure why, except that it’s got all my favorite lines and all my happy excitement and, looking back at it, it’s not phenomenal, b u t

it’s just??? got so much that i l o v e tied up in it

most of my favorite lines and really good memories and a dynamic i love and just.

it makes me so happy to have written it >/////< ♥

in things that i still love upon rereading, secret valentine is pretty up there tbh. somehow in all my stress to get it out and get it out good i... actually managed to hit a pretty sweet dynamic? idk i reread scenes from it sometimes and i still like it ♥

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?

i wanna see where i can go, if anywhere, with get lucky. i wanna see if i can finish it. i wanna know where it goes, goddamnit.

i also want to beat this year’s wordcount, if i can.

and, if i’m well enough in november, maybe take a shot at nanowrimo? //fingers crossed ♥

i’m looking forward to it ♥