#bc i have bpd and then the pain feels all consuming and like it will never end and its just so hard to deal with

[bunnihearted]

ᯓ★

[borderline-gays-club]

Does anyone else with BPD just feel like a scientist specializing in ur brain/behavior?

Like I kno intellectualizing every feeling is bad, but it’s also difficult bc I actually need to intellectualize to be present in what I perceive is the real reality. Bc BPD reality is pure emotion rooted in pain and trauma. That type of reality is very very powerful and so I must fight back in order to not get consumed by it.

Anyway I’m also aware of still being balanced and feeling my feelings and all that. I still have trouble with judging my feelings and thoughts. I’m still a secretive person bc I’m still not very sure how to work with my feelings. But in conclusion: I think I depend more on intellectualizing my feelings/thoughts than any other tool because that one feels the most reliable. I would like other avenues though of existing with BPD outside of just that. Bc also I’m wary of over “rationalizing” bc that can b a slippery slope into western science methods which are rooted in colonialism and white supremacy.

Lol anyway long tangeant: but ya I also just don’t trust any professionals to help me anymore tbh. At least in this country, I can’t speak on others. Had I stayed in that inpatient last year I would’ve been so absolutely fucked up in the head. I’m so glad I left early. It definitely feels pretty desolate in terms of getting proper treatment, so I guess I’m like taking on that role for myself since there’s not many options for seeking help for BPD specifically.

[disabledstraydogs]

Hi hello [we are the anon that requested sdbpd+chronic pain dazai btw] we saw that you were fine with us ranting so we decided why not [it’s fine if you don’t read this as it will probably be lengthy,,][also our wording may be weird and we apologize if it is/gen]

Honestly our Main reasoning for Dazai having sdbpd is the fact he fits every single symptoms[listed below]

a decrease in the desire to sleep

Sh behaviors[such as burning,scratching,and hitting]

Risky adrenaline-seeking activities

Threats of suicide+suicide idealization

[dazai aswell shows pretty much all of the symptoms for regular BPD but we are focusing on the self destruction aspects]

I mean like his actions speak for themselves/lh

The way he’s treated also reminds us of how we are treated by [mainly our parents]bc of our sd bpd[or as our mother likes to say “borderline tendencies/derog”]/nav

Anyways that’s the simplified explanation for us thinking Dazai has sdbpd/lh [now onto the chronic pain]

Hands down Dazai 100% suffers from peripheral neuropathy wich would def cause the chronic pain 

Peripheral neuropathy is a type of nerve damage that happens when the nerves outside of the brain and in the spinal cord are damaged. It can be caused by traumatic injuries, infections, metabolic problems, inherited causes and exposure to toxins.

Wich honestly makes a lot of sense for Dazai [we don’t remember if this is canon or just implied]when in+out of  the mafia he probably has gone through torture[wich with tortures there’s a lot of different kinds] and the fact that he dose not take care of his wounds well wich prob has caused countless infections AND he fell down that elevator shaft+injected poison into his veins+has consumed many toxins before would be ample enough trauma to cause damage to his nerves. 

Wich then leaves us to the chronic pain part 

He would prob be suffering from some if not all of these symptoms [listed below]

Gradual onset of numbness, prickling, and/or tingling in his feet and/or hands. These sensations may spread upward into his legs and arms.

Sharp, jabbing, throbbing or burning pain

Extreme sensitivity to touch

Pain during activities that shouldn't cause pain[like pain in his feet when putting weight on them]

Lack of coordination and falling

Muscle weakness.

Feelings of wearing gloves/socks when hes not

The Inability to move if motor nerves are affected

And if autonomic nerves are affected he may suffer from  

Heat intolerance.

Excessive sweating/not being able to sweat.

Bowel, bladder and/or digestive problems.

Drops in blood pressure wich cause dizziness and/or lightheadedness.

Honestly at this point we just feel even worse for him/ lh 

[we do not know if this made any sort of sense  but we hope it did][and we would love to hear your thoughts/nf/gen]

[also ik we have only ever sent in 2 asks but we may plan on sending in more so i’unno if there’s a Dazai anon yet but if there isn’t perhaps that could be our sign off?/nf/genq]

Anon I love this post so much, I'm too tired to go through every point here but !!!! YEAH I agree so much.

Also dw you made a lot of sense, this was detailed and good to read.

And yeah!!! You can have the Dazai anon tag :D

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

notes from therapy todai 

-loving intensely as a product of mirroring my moms personality disorder ? n luving w no boundaries bc i think love at its core is selflessness n acknowledging tht bpd love comes from a real place ? 

-accepting that my mother has singlehandedly proven to me that one person can truly do anything and the endurance of love and the plight seems less n less strenuous and more endearing to model for others as an ultimate philosophy.

----

i love hard

i love intensely

i love passionately

romantically

n eternally.

my therapist said that the love that i give almost comes out in a form of power. and i have to sit with that and wonder what he really means by that. but i just know that....

if i give u my love, u will not forget it. or come out of it unscathed. some are excited to perceive it as dangerous but my love is not abusive or threatening. it burns slow but it burns bright. and i’m not saying ppl i love won’t be loved by others in a different n beautiful way but guess thts tru for everyone objectively obviously but. i struggled to find words to describe how i felt in this moment when i was verbalizing this to my therapist and all i could say was that i felt like an ocean.

cuz i can feel the rain before it starts to pour. and when words roll off tongues i travel into the alphabet itself...and when people tell me about their pain i feel it as my own, see the world that was torn down in their minds eye of a 'home.' i think in colors and i taste music when i hear it n i can see the way that heart beats in frequencies without plugging anyone to a ekg machine.....

n i am told i am the only person some of my friends need when they have options in a world of 7 billion options. and its flattering and unyoked n unburdened bc i don’t just give my love to just anyone...bc if i give it up it is with complete trust that the other will receive n acknowledge the responsibility that it takes to experience it…..

my love burns slow but it burns right. but it burns as an all consuming fire. it will completely tamper and fester inside u and there will be no need to pray for faith or belief or space for doubt if its real or imaginative or a movie scene bc luv was never a concept to begin with. n ive known from an early age i could never love anything without my entire existence and without my whole heart. my ex's have told me my love has felt profound .... to ways that it has also uprooted them... and forced them to look at themselves .... afterall, arent soulmates purposes' meant to shake u up from the inside.... n push u to blossom......

the love i have will desire to completely fill u… all the gaps you’ve ever felt…. all the holes….all the missing screws. i am the glue, i am the drill. i would like to be someones everything. all the answers, the mother, the father, the daughter, the sibling, the lover, the friend. n i dont know if thats logical. but thats what i desire.

------my body feels young but my mind feels old and i really want to explore the concept of empathy being a holy feeling n stop feeling guilty or narcissistic for knowing that the way that i love is special

[magical-agatha]

I'm having a psychotic episode and i can't stop thinking about lwa and the parallels I keep seeing between how chariot treated akko and how my mother treated me. It sucks. I'm bpd. I get attached to fictional characters that i can see myself in like akko and homura and nico. Or to a lesser extent characters who i admire. Uhh. I'm just gonna write some stuff down bc that makes me feel better sometimes.

My mother was an emotionally abusive parent. I don't really want to go into detail. But i have a lot of issues about abandonment, rejection, and some other stuff. I can't help but see some of the things my mother did to me in chariot. On top of that.. akko was the brunt of a lot of bullying and isolation. And sucy and lotte are what i would call fair weather friends. There were so many times in lwa when the people who are supposed to care about akko let her down. It's awful. Seeing all that happen to akko made it really hard for me to watch. I feel like the average person wouldn't see it.

Akko never gives up though. I guess the difference between myself and akko is an anxiety disorder and an abusive parent. Maybe it's more accurate to say that akko had better self confidence than i did in school. Hmm. Whatever the case.. even diana was quite cruel to her at first. But unlike everyone else diana made up for it and was actually there for akko later. Suddey i feel incredibly isolated. Comparing myself to akko in more detail makes me realise how alone i might be.

When i see other people or characters get mistreated like i was it hurts. I feel all the pain i felt when it happened to me. It rushes in suddenly and consumes me. It feels worse than it did when it actually happened. I don't have any way of dealing with it. I don't even have a way to express it when it happens. I used to get punished for getting angry or upset. Showing any intense emotion really. So i hid it. My mum told me i had to ignore it and keep moving. But i don't think that was healthy. I can't process pain like that properly any more. I can get it out. It just sits inside me and builds and builds. It's like putrefaction. My insides are rotting. I can't think. I hate her.

The part that bothers me is that i can't do anything about this. I can't make my mother understand what she did to me. I've tried. She just manipulates me and plays the victim until i start to blame myself. And i can't affort the treatment i need. I don't have any savings and the treatment is just simply too exensive for me. My family is dirt poor too. And as far as i can tell the government won't help me with paying for dbt since I've never been hospitalized. I need to double check that but it's not promising.

Plus I'm always terrified that my mother will kick me out. Logically speaking i don't think she will but I'm always scared that it could happen. I certainly can't afford to live on my own. And if i was thrown out my mental state would deteriorate even if i could because as much as i hate my mother she still has a tight grip on me. There's a part of me that is still desperate for her approval. It's illogical bit if she kicked me out it would rip apart my meagre self worth. If i ended up on the street I'd probably just kill myself.

I'm stuck. I'm trying to get better but i can't access treatment for this. But i need to get better so i can move on with my life. I'm not sure what to do. If i don't address my bpd i won't ever get better. But unless i can get help from the government i have no idea what I'll do. I suppose i could reenter the work force. But that would certainly make things worse. I think. Maybe. I'm not sure. If i found the right job maybe it would be alright. But then as soon as i start working i know the government will stop giving me assistance and based on previous experiences the pressure and certain other factors would probably make me regress. I wouldn't be making enough money to both survive and to go to dbt anyway. It's confusing and frustrating to realise that the root of my problems is money. In fact the reason my mother abused me was in part because of how other people were treating her. She was a women in a male dominated industry. Many of her collegues abused and harassed her. She was working three jobs to keep us fed, a roof over our heads, and to send me to school. And of course let's not discount the impact of my father. A drunk who wasted all his money on alcohol and gambling and beat my mother. I'm glad i don't remember him well. Apparently he's living happily with a new wife and two or three sons. He never paid a cent of child support. If i see him again I'll ask him about that after i spit in his face.

The real kicker in my mind is that as much as i despise my mother i still feel sorry for her when i think about the shit she was subjected to. But i have to remember that regardless of why she did what she did my feelings towards her are still real and she did hurt me. Still.. I'm not sure what to do about that.

I feel a little better now. I guess. Not by much. I wonder if I'd feel better if i didn't live with my mother. Having a walking talking reminder of the awful shit I've had to deal with probably isn't good for me. Especially when i have to be nice to her and pretend everything is fine between us constantly.

[fratboykate]

I don't remember if it was on here on or on ao3 where you said Lexa would've reacted the same way if any of her kids died but the other characters assumed that she's being this bad because it was Jake and their special connection. Would that get touched on in later chapters? Like is anyone going to find out Lexa's feelings regarding her children (ie Costia and her teenage tantrums, Clarke's friends, etc.) 1/2

I never got the second part of this :( 

I’m also going to be super lazy and just answer some of the asks I got about Chapters 24/25 in this one post because I don’t feel like tagging everything or repeating myself lol. 

-okay KG, you got me with that last chapter. I had yet to cry this entire time, and then that update came for my whole life. but the real question…. where’s my manz Fish ran off to? did he just run off to his doggo home and was like, “fuck this, y'all wake me up when the screaming stops”

You literally have no idea how hard this made me laugh. “Doggo home” “my manz Fish” and “fuck this, y’all wake me up when the screaming stops” have got to be some of my favorite things I’ve ever read. Yo manz Fish is dead by now lmao. They got him when Costia was a baby and Costia is 14 now. Dogs aren’t immortal. Turtle is their new pup. I genuinely haven’t decided if Turtle is still alive right now or not. For the sake of argument lets say Turtle was…somewhere lol. He was hiding from the screaming or I didn’t want to call the animal wrangler to set and have him in the scene hahaha

-People say they like “angst” but the “angst” they like is “they can’t be together bc one if them is married, or oblivious” Your writing is more mature. It’s a fic, but it deals with a serious issue. People saying is “too much” or “unrealistic”, what about the people that come from war with ptsd, they ****** *******?? they get violent?? I agree with one of your followers, I thought Lexa in one of her outbursts was going to hit someone, I was waiting, good to know that will never happen!! - [I redacted this one and the next one cuz it had a chapter spoiler and I don’t know if everyone has read it yet]

-Hey friend! What a fine chapter that was–perhaps my favorite so far. Can’t understand the readers who didn’t see the ******* ***** coming. I thought you’ve dropped those breadcrumbs along the way. Also your depiction of mental illness is SO important. Society shoves it away, marks it as “bad,” and shames people who suffer its effects. Maybe it’s just me, but I much prefer stories that depict real life, the ups and downs and the unexpected twists, to an idealized, cotton-candy version. Don’t get me wrong–we all need some sweetness now and again and lord knows I have a handful of stories I consume that is purely fluff. But I’d take the realness any day, because we–as a society–need to shine more light on the aspects we’ve kept hidden. Thanks for continuing to write and share your story! Much peace to you xoxo

-I would just like to say, as someone with a mental illness and has family with mental illness, I appreciative that you show Clarke dealing and reaching her breaking point as well. Sometimes on tumblr i feel like some people go too far in the opposite direction, saying that if someone you love has a mental illness you essentially have to be understanding and be okay with everything they do regardless of the pain it causes you. My illness caused me to lash out at people and it wasnt fair to them.

-Anybody who thinks mental illnesses can’t get super ugly sure as shit don’t have any personal experience with it. I only know a few of people with BPD/PTSD and I’m not that close with them (friends of friends) yet I still know how messed up that shit can get for everyone involved. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves about media - and fandoms especially - the overwhelming predilection to romanticize/diminish emotional abuse and illness (physical or mental) It’s a terrible fucking message.

-So, I read your latest chapter to see how “dark and angst and fucked up” it got and I was disappointed??? From the overblown reactions, I expected Lexa to be behaving like some kind of horrible monster or the like, but, instead, it just seems like something taken out of my life five to eight years ago??? Like…I don’t know what to say. That right there is a perfect depiction of what having mental health problems is like. It’s very real and, to me at least, kinda tame??? I honestly expected much worse. Hell, I’ve DONE much worse (and I’m sure you have too, since you have BPD as well), so if people think that THIS chapter was unrealistic and too “fucked up”…HAHAHA! honey, y'all have no clue. No clue at all. Mental illness is not funny, amazing, or us trying to be difficult because we revel in drama. It fucking sucks, and sometimes it’s hard to just muster up enough energy to get out of bed. The voices? Yeah, those are there too. The whiners are idiots.

Yes, we don’t get nearly enough realistic portrayals of mental illness. Someone actually thought I was ticked off because people didn’t like the chapter. If you don’t like the fic, then don’t like the fic. I’m not offended by that in the slightest. What ticked me off was people’s reaction to the portrayal of a symptom of mental illness. Calling what happened “unrealistic” or “too much” when there’s people who live with it every day - me being one of them - is what ticked me off. Not because of the story, but because they thought dismissing those symptoms and making them out to be as a poorly used dramatic tool or something when it’s a thing people deal with every day of their lives is what irritated me. But whatever. I feel like only the first few dozen people were the ones that had a poor reaction to it. Everyone since then was amazing. On AO3 a mother who had a son die die 9 years ago wrote a comment saying this story resonated with her because it felt real to her or something along those lines and that shook me. If someone who has lived this kind of loss says “this is realistic” then that’s all I can strive for as a write. I like to tell stories that ring true to the human experience and it seems like this one may he hitting the mark.

-first of all, your story is amazing, it woke emotions in me, that even I didm’t know I had. How many chapters do you Think it would had? and how many until the Ultimatium? you are truly a gifted Writer, thank you. sorry for my English

Your English is good! Nothing to apologize for. I have no idea about the chapter count. I think we may be nearing the last dozen chapters or somewhere around there. At least for the main meat of the story. I’ll still have a fuck ton of chapters left and I’m thinking that if people are interested I can just keep adding those to the tail end once the main part is “completed”. We’ll see.  

-There’s just something about this rawness in your fic that makes it so good and impossible to stop reading. Like sure, it’s dark and there are uncomfortable bits to read but it’s so necessary? Pain demands to be felt!

-well you even said here that you have more “happy” chapters than the post jake ones written so, eventually there’s gonna be more at the end if you post them, but then really, your fic is probably the only one where sad and happy parts are equalized because you divide the chapters?!! why people can’t even do math??

-do you’ve any idea how aMAZING YOUR FIC IS??? THE ANGST IS SO WELL-WRITTEN AND HEART-WRENCHING AND AAAAAAH SO GREAT. x

-Okay that last chapter.. wow what a trip. I love pain? You really have a way with words! Your updates are so quick it’s amazing! Wow I just.. damn.. I have Lexa feels right now agh my heart

-The show of appreciation for the appreciation is appreciated!

-I’m a huge sap.. i just reread the chapter in which Roa got her appendix out and I’m crying at Lexa’s bedtime routines with her children ahhhhh the emotional depth in your writing is truly spectacular

-dude I really like your fic. it’s one of my favorites. The fact that it’s so raw and real makes it awesome. I know some people don’t like when things get too graphic (jake’s death) or even now with that new layer in the understanding of Lexa’s mental illness. but that really suits the fic (I think you should have gone all the way when describing jake’s death but I get it why you didn’t), and continue with the angsty please. we can understand the characters better in situations like this

THANK YOU!

-I hear people be givin you shit for that incredible fic that I have yet to get past chapter 2 (been lagging on that ;–;) it’s your story, love and I love it so far. Not everything in life is happy happy happpyyyy (P.S. can I hug you? I just love ya so much)

Lol…yes, you can most definitely hug me. I’m Latino. We love hugs.