#bc i can't see her as anything else
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I had a random idea of Kaycee using the dagger, and then my thoughts spiralled
Maybe an earlier version of Inscryption allowed the player to use the dagger more often, and Kaycee took advantage of it as often as possible, even though she should have fixed the mechanic as soon as she noticed. She's forced to do it when Leshy gets fed up with it and retaliates.
If she could she'd jump him and find the missing eyeballs, but she's not literally in the game (yet), so her movement is very limited. Leshy couldn't just delete the eyeballs, so he stuffed them in his mouth and is storing them in his cheeks like a squirrel (so imagine him in the comic as if he's speaking with his mouth full).
#dude thought that the value of the narrative would morally force her to only use the dagger once a game#but girl dgaf#she enjoys pissing him off (in a friend way)#my kaycee is basically just longelks drawn from memory#bc i can't see her as anything else#kaycee hobbes#inscryption leshy#scrybe of beasts#inscryption spoilers#inscryption fanart#inscryption#fanart#my art#eeriedragone art#digital art
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okay disclaimer: ik that categorizing female characters as the 'mom friend/figure' is a legit disease in fandom caused by general misogynistic views of female characters, and it's something that personally greatly irritates me bc its not only awful to do, it also tends to ruin the characters its put upon. ESPECIALLY in D2, which is outstanding in its cast of strong female characters
however. in the case of Eramis, I do believe that the fact that she was a mother and is a genuinely caring, nurturing person at heart is something that is a deeply important core part of her character, as well as thematically important to the future of the Eliskni moving forward. It's important because in her case, I believe that her motherly inclinations are why, pre-Witness-whispering-through-the-Darkness, Eramis was such a successful kell- because unlike some other kells who sought a future for the Eliksni via domination, her main focus for them was to create a haven for her people that could be defended from Lightbearers. Riis-Reborn wasn't something to sniff at- it was the closest thing to an actual Eliksni city in a very long while. What got her was her trauma of the Whirlwind and her desire to destroy the Traveler to level the playing field for everyone involved- trauma that the Witness preyed upon in order to get to us. Like a parasite, seeking its secondary host. Eramis certainly is not the only Eliksni who lost her family during the Whirlwind, but I think that her specific brand of anger is closest to that of a mother lion whose cubs are in danger, and is lashing out in a furious fight-or-flight reflex at anything that she perceives as a threat. It's just that in this case, her 'cubs' were the Eliksni as a whole, and the threat she perceived before the Witness started torturing her was the Traveler.
I also think that her relationship with parenthood also makes for a very interesting character contrast to Misraaks (aka the other successful kell viewed as a source of hope for the Eliksni), and helps to set them up as antiparallels to each other. Eramis was a gentle, nurturing mother with a reverence for the Traveler who turned into the bitter, cunning warrior we see now when she lost access to her wife and children; Misraaks was a fearsome, ruthless pirate before he became a father, which gentled him and turned him towards being more pious. Eramis represents the old ways, and offers hope to the Eliksni who cannot bear to cohabitate with humanity; Misraaks represents a change in the tide, and kells the open-minded Eliksni who are willing to lay down their arms to live among the humans of Sol. Misraaks is of Light (change, forgiveness, moving forward), while Eramis is of Darkness (memory, control, looking back). They're opposites in every way except for the fact that both of them were/are amazing parents, and I'd argue that their ability to nurture and overlook others is what led to their success as kells.
Most importantly, however, is their relationship to Eido, who represents the future of the Eliksni. Misraaks was her father, and he did his best to raise her to be kind and openminded, but he also shielded her from the horrors of the past a little too well. She's outgrown that, and now that she's strong enough to handle said horrors, Eramis has been acting as a mentor to fully introduce her to the tragedy of what she lost and why elder Eliksni are so angry about it- and I don't think that she would have been receptive to Eido attempting to talk to her if it weren't for the fact that under all of her prickly armour, she's still that nurturing person at heart. It's her desire to care for others and to see a better future for her people that has kept her going despite her having no hope for herself, and it's that loving heart that has saved herself and her people from utter destruction at both our hands and Fikrul's- because if she didn't look at eido and go 'oh this child is the future of our people and i must protect her with my life', then both her and the rest of House Salvation would have been marked for death. And now here she is, continuing to care for Eido even as her father declines by telling her stories about Riis and helping her track down an apothecary to try to cure him, despite her not believing in his ways. I don't think it's entirely because she used to be a mother, but...I do think that it's playing a huge role in it.
(I also think it's personally fascinating to see how someone who used to be known for being a doting, sweet mom to her hatchlings and a caring mate to her wife can turn into someone who's a terrifying warrior on the battlefield and a cunning, politically saavy ruler, but even then, that doesn't surprise me all that much- if you've got a dearth of experience wrangling hatchlings, then being kell of a house is basically just wrangling a bunch of grown-up hatchlings. Same principles, just upped a level or two in complexity.)
#destiny 2#meta analysis#eramis#misraaks#eido#like. i think that eramis is the one (1) example in d2 where motherhood is important to her character#genuinely i can't think of anyone else#even savathun seeking the mother morph was entirely just to live longer instead of being a mom#inaaks maybe but i dont think her being a mother was a core part of her character#like sure it explained why misraaks was the way he was but her story was about the trauma of the drift#whereas with eramis i def. think that her losing access to her wife and children was something that defined how she dealt with her trauma#getting forever locked into this desperate broody hen mode of needing to get those under her to safety#while also ferociously lashing out at everyone and anything she saw as a threat#but do you guys see what i'm seeing here. please tell me you do bc my brain is fried
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(re: sssniperwolf and jacksfilms) It's laughable that she escalated it that hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure stalking him like that is illegal and it's terrifying regardless, but Jack said in a stream (can't remember which one) that he wasn't about bringing up past controversies of hers or cancelling. And now she shows up outside his house (wtf!!!). Like he was willing to only call her out for stealing and freebooting but she's gone and stalked him and Jack doesn't seem like the type of guy to take that shit. Actual WTF moment from her part. wild
omg long post below bc apparently I have opinions: YES!! THAT'S WHAT'S SO INCREDIBLE ABOUT THIS... Jack has been genuinely diligent about keeping things on-topic in his streams, and hasn't brought up any of her other Stuff, or anything Personal. Despite the fact that she kickstarted the whole thing by making it INCREDIBLY personal and attacking his physical appearance... His goal has been to call out and bring attention to content theft, and he's stuck with it. Dude's also cared about this for years, and she's not the first content thief he's criticized. He just hates the way that freebooting has become so accepted-- to the point where youtube praised her for "coming up with such creative video ideas"? Hey! Ew! Dude wasn't trying to get her cancelled though, there was no smear campaign of her character. He's been rallying to get her to CREDIT the creators that she relies on for all of her content. It would set a precedent for all other "react" channels on the platform for one of the biggest channels on youtube to actually give credit where credit is due. Or, god forbid, get permission first? It's not hard. It's already done the job of making some other people who do "react content" self-analyze whether or not their content is transformative, and to maybe care about crediting the creators they rely on for their genre to work. There is a way to make this kind of video that isn't so slimy. And making fun of her lackluster-at-best reactions is so far from even being a big deal. Bc she literally does just sit there and say nothing. Plus, his goal has a clear End built into it: if she started shouting out the creators she takes content from, and put links directly to their pages in her video descriptions, the job would be done! That's what he's asking her to do. Real bare minimum stuff. It legit would have been easy to steer away from the content theft and to also talk about her history of lying to her audience! her ghosting a dying kid with cancer who was a big fan of hers! the fact that she's been arrested for armed robbery! her history of transphobia! He would also get more clicks that way, which is what she claims is his sole goal- to get more clicks. I'll bring it up though! She's been a terrible person the whole time, and has kept a steady course of manipulating her audience of young children and/or, let's be completely honest, simps- into thinking that she's a Wholesome creator. (And now, into thinking she's an innocent victim.) All of the actual effort put in by her has gone toward optics, not the content she puts out. A carefully constructed online persona, for one, but also literal appearances. Jack totally can't say this, bc she already went off the handle and said the only reason he doesn't like her is bc he Hates To See A Woman Be Successful. But I can! That was a cheap shot for her to use that argument when, for once, it's not applicable! Much the opposite, even! Dudes online wouldn't go to bat for her if she didn't look the way she does. And it weakens any case she'd have against him by making baseless claims like that. She banks hugely on being an attractive woman to get her clicks/following. A massive amount of effort is put into her appearance. The makeup, the lip fillers, putting her hair in little pigtails, the chokers and tube tops, the big non-prescription Nerd Glasses, the thumbnails where she has her mouth open in That Expression?
I don't even have to say anything. But making a weird facial expression and putting your hair in pigtails aren't moral failings. Showing up at someone's real life home (whose address you shouldn't even have access to), filming the front of their house at night, doxxing them to your audience of millions of people? Because you were mad at them online? That is fully scary! Yeah girl I'm pretty sure that Jack can press charges! There is absolutely no way to take the moral highground now that she's literally stalked him, and doxxed his home. She tried to goad him and Erin (Jack's wife) out of the house, also, which creeps me out even more-- because what was she planning to do? The fact that she's been arrested for violent crime before does pop into my mind! lmao! Jack was streaming a game at the time that she was outside his home, and these clips of him, his friends, and Erin reacting in real time to what is genuinely a scary situation have been taken down in case he needs to use them in legal action. Shit is legitimately serious!
#sergle answers#long post#LONGEST POST ON EARTH I'M SO SORRY#saying all this out loud only takes a few minutes but typing it... girl this is a BOOK#clearly I have thoughts on this Online Drama but also this isn't online!#these are people who exist in real life. and compromising a person's safety bc he criticized you for stealing tiktoks#is a real life thing. this isn't confined to online spaces! you can turn off your computer to get away from An Argument#but someone going to your house?? that's absolutely terrifying#and all of this is just because he's been telling her to credit the creators. it could have been resolved so simply.#I hope he takes legal action against her bc he genuinely has grounds to do so.#and I can't imagine how terrified and upset I would be if someone was outside my door. filming my house for their audience.#also the 'what if the roles were reversed' argument is rarely made in good faith... but she's already brought up the topic.#this would be getting even more coverage and the optics would be Even Creepier if a strange man with millions of followers showed up#at the home of a woman- just bc she criticized his videos- filming her home address for all to see and trying to get her to come outside.#It's just as creepy that sssniperwolf did this as it would be coming from ANYONE else#it's been downplayed bc her being a little skinny woman means that A Man shouldn't be threatened by her#which. even if she wasn't going to Do anything. any one of her rabidly loyal online followers MIGHT. she's not the only one who could go to#his house now! anyone could show up.#sergle.txt#Jacksfilms#Sssniperwolf
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ghost stares at the ceiling, chest heaving in a harsh pant; sweat ice on his clammy flesh and soaked into the sheet he restlessly kicks away.
ears still ringing, his fingertips blindly drift down to trail along his vivisection scar. he half-expects blood to smear in their wake. his own line of solomon, who ordered him split in twain; half of him given to a grieving mother and half left with the grieving to be.
just for both his broken halves to be rejected.
what did it make him that his mother grieved him more than she loved him? that she begged to be relieved of him more adamantly than she begged to receive him? why did his worth spill out with his drawn blood? why was his pain lesser than hers?
his hand flexes, digging into the raised scar like it’ll part beneath his fingertips to plunge into his mangled insides. no one knows the cruelty of reforming the halved; his name, his being, not nearly as important as his body when he was stripped from himself. no one knows the pain of healing and understanding losing pieces of yourself means losing your value along with them.
how many more pieces did he have to lose before he was halved once more? before his very presence incurred grief so strong it was better to be rid of him than cradle his bloodied remains?
did the infant fight himself? did he age always at odds with himself; his halves never truly whole? he hopes he wasn’t, that he was spared the loss of self; the fear that one may be welcomed over the other.
who will he lose when the inevitable comes? when he’s ripped apart again? simon? or ghost? is it better to be cursed with choice just like his mother or live with an aftermath chosen for him? does it matter if in the end, he convinces himself there was nothing of him left to lose?
his head lolls to the side and the wild buck of his chest slows. he watches johnny beside him, his face lax with the rare peace of sleep; his cheek squished against the pillow, his lips pursed as long breaths escape him.
johnny. soap. never torn asunder but two all the same.
he carefully reaches out and ghosts his fingers along the jagged scar on his chin. even in sleep, he presses into his bloodied touch. he’s never fled his half-flesh, never shies away from his gore as it spills unbidden from his cleaved torso. he holds on where his mother let him go; cups his stomach to hold his insides in place and never minds the blood that drips through his fingers.
simon will never let him become his own solomon and cannibalise himself. he will never let him question which half of him has more value; which pieces he can afford to lose before he’s cast aside.
ghost’s soap. simon’s johnny. his.
whole, in any incarnation.
#yall know the story of king solomon?#and the two mothers who claim a baby is theirs so he orders the baby cut in half so they can each have half of him?#well guess what woke me up out of a dead sleep and demanded to be written?#anyway roba showing simon clips of his mum on the news begging for the safe return of her boy#for the government to do something; /anything/ please she just wants her son back#just for ghost to dig himself out of simon's coffin and she can't bear to look at the man he's become#he's cold and afraid and hesitant and angry and in pain and so different from her little boy that it's just too difficult for her#he's a living breathing reminder that her simon didn't come back from the desert#and ghost has to live with the knowledge that his mum couldn't love him through anything#that maybe if he got himself out sooner if he was stronger or smarter or a better soldier... if he hadn't let simon die...#maybe he wouldn't have changed so much that she wouldn't look him in the eye and see a stranger#if you know anything about me by now you know i love the separation of the self and the person they become around others or bc of trauma#whether thats hizashi and present mic or simon and ghost its one of my absolute favourite tropes#and simon knowing hes become someone else and going home expecting to still be loved anyway?#just for this new version of himself to be rejected?#thats the moment he fractures into ghost#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#john soap mactavish#soap cod#soapghost#ghostsoap#ghoap#ghost call of duty#cod mw2#cod mwii#save post
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Look, I enjoy the Targaryens as much as the next person and think that their house, their family mess, all of it is very interesting. I want a dragon so bad and they are one of the reasons, I get it. But, on the same hand, it gets annoying when people say/act like they are the only interesting house within ASOIAF (this rhetoric is mainly on Twitter, from what I've seen) and it primarily has to do with them having dragons (to which, for a time many Targaryens didn't have after the dance and until Daenerys came into the picture). Look, having dragons is cool and all, but if that's all that makes a house interesting then maybe that house is boring. And, could be just me, but by saying that I feel like it's lowkey disrespecting all the work GRRM put into the other houses and their characters. If the Targaryens are your favorite that's fine, but there's no need to act like the lore behind other houses also isn't just as important. I'm new to this fandom, but there are so many aspects that have pulled me in and it's sad that people ignore it just because it's not a part of one particular house.
#again i enjoy the targs and their messiness#and i want a dragon fr fr!#but im also not going to disrespect the other houses either! they are just as good if not great (acting like the martells didn't give them#a run for their money)#also back to the dragon thing how do you have rhae saying that without their dragons they're just like everyone else#and turn around and go “other houses aren't as cool without dragons” you're kind of proving her point#starks lannisters MARTELLS tyrells so many interesting houses that deserve praise too#asoiaf#a song of ice and fire#house targaryen#hotd#targ stans pls dni if you're going to be mean#also i see some refusing to acknowledge how cool some of these houses are just bc they had beef with the targs and I'm like#come on move on already asoiaf has houses backstabbing one another left & right and moving on right after#even if you dislike one character from said house (fine) that doesn't mean you can't like anything about where they come from#yall can hate on the hightowers all you want but if you look me in the eye and say you'd pick smelly kl over oldtown i know u lying#even the wiki says that kl was hastily made and has a lot of flaws bc of that but oldtown doesn't bc they took time to build#even if i didn't rock with the hightowers like that id still pick oldtown over kl
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"I can see will appreciating all types of music genres" well I cannot. peace and love<3
#like sorry I just think he mostly listens to rock some people literally just listen to one genre and that's FINE oh my lord#he would not be pretentious about it I'm not saying that I am sure that when el turns the madonna on he does not bitch or make fun of her#that doesn't mean he's listening to it on his own though lmao. that doesn't mean it's his preferred music choice#you know who I DO think would like a lot of different music genres? el. and I have actual reasons for this#I'm not just saying shit for the sake of saying shit#like she probably wasn't exposed to music for the first 13 years of her life! I bet she loves all sorts of stuff bc it's all so unique!#I bet her favorite songs and artists are based more in sentimental value then anything else#like she likes madonna bc she listens to that with max. she likes bowie bc it's what her brothers introduced to her#she likes riot grrrrl/punk bc of kali y'know?#anyway. in summary. will literally does not have to listen to pop or whatever why would he#like do what you want with mike he canonically sang along to corey hart. but will?#anyway that's how I know y'all are just projecting bc y'all want your fave to have the same music taste as you#and like it's a harmless headcanon it doesn't matter I know. but it is a pet peeve yeah I don't see why will can't just like rock#AGAIN. NOT PRETENTIOUS. HE THINKS OTHER GENRES ARE FINE THEY'RE JUST NOT HIS THING#stranger things#will byers#byler
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stuck in the what-if spiral 😭
#my brain convincing me that my what ifs are real bc of my vivid imagination... like imagining it makes it feel real#and adhd causes memory issues so I'm just. comparing it to other imaginary scenarios and/or real memories#to try and prove that my dumb spiraling isn't real or anything but to my brain I'm so scared that it almost makes it real l#literally mentally traumatizing myself because my brain won't let go of this anxiety that I've rolled my eyes at for years#like!! help!!! I'm fixating!! I've never fixated like this before but I've also never thought of A Scenario before#which is why I'm convincing myself it's real even though the logical part of me is like ????? no???????#the problem is that my anxiety brain convinces me that the logical part is just denial#which is why what-if anxieties are so dangerous for me#especially in the summer#bc then I can't think about ANYTHING else and I rationalize way too much#my mom is like ''are your worries (which I've described to her in vague terms) true? and if they're not stop worrying''#and I'm like BUT THE WHAT IF IS WHAT IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S TRUE!!!!!#there is no way to move beyond this that I can see it's all consuming#how can I be so totally fine for part of the day and then become non-functional with anxiety like this so quickly#and then pivot back to being totally fine later??? what's wrong with me?? why does everything feel Worse and more important this time???
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im TIRED of reading fics with period typical homophobia 😭😭 i caint do it 😭😭😭 just let them be gay in peace 😭
#i swear we need warnings for that shit#im so tired of reading about the prejudice and scorn of two people being happy and in love just bc theyre the same sex#i find really amazing fics and then BOOM#‘[parent] would never allow it’#‘we cant marry’#SHUT UPPPP#SHUT UP#PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY#SHUT#UP#whew ok sorry i got a little carried away#this is about merthur btw#but it also applies to everything else#i HATE getting into a really good merthur fic only to see#'oh no :( arthur needs to marry a woman and have heirs :( we can't marry :('#or 'arthur needs to marry a woman to bear children which means merlin will be his consort'#like BOOOOOOOOO#TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO#theres a few ways you can take it#ignore the historical accurate detail of needing to pass on royal blood and have them adopt#genderfluid merlin (my love) who can shift form can BE the woman arthur needs to bear children#or just have a woman be the surrogate#or if you have good/redeemed morgana...give the title of heir to morgana#she's a lesbian but her gf (freya) is trans so boom problem solved#yes i am once again pushing my freygana agenda#you cant do anything about it#also look me in the eye and tell me freya's entire arc wasn't trans coded#thats right. you cant.#bc im right
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#my papa was diagnosed w lung and colon cancer. and he's too frail to do anything about it. so he's essentially just going to slowly die#they're not sure how long it'll take. or how advanced the cancer is. but it's there. and it will take him.#my grandma is also descending into bad dementia from her multiple traumatic brain injuries#it's gotten noticeably worse this past month#she needs to stop driving but I'm the only person in the family w a driver's license who can get to her#so if anyone was to pick up the slack it would be me.#aside from literally not having time nor money for that. I don't know how to handle this sort of grief#I'm 26 but I haven't come to terms w the fact that there is a quickly approaching day#where I'm going to wake up and my grandparents aren't going to be around any more#and I won't see them ever again.#I know I shouldn't borrow grief. but how do you avoid it.#and my granddad too.#and I can't really discuss this with anyone else. my siblings should be the ones that I could unpack this with#but bc of the age gaps between most of us they have an entirely different relationship with these people than I do#I remember everything. picking my granddad up from the airport. him giving me tootsie rolls. crying when we dropped him back off.#going fishing w my papa. bringing the fish back and watching my grandma gut and filet them. building a sandbox with him.#shelling pecans w my grandma. watching court tv while she made breakfast. her trying and failing to teach me how to swim.#it's not fair that I'm going to be the only person who remembers those things. and that to some degree I already am.
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ok at the point now where looking at an image of dennis makes me want to smash my head through a wall
#ada speaks#idk how ppl exist in this fandom who don't feel bad for him tbh#which is the last thing den wants bc being perceived as weak and pitiable is devastating to him but#chasing this mfer down to give him a hug#he is so. fucked up. he has been fucked up by every adult in his life.#i think the fandom perceives him as this spoiled rich kid who had it better than most of the gang but the reality is#he was failed just like the rest of them and it's almost worse because he doesn't – and almost CAN'T – recognize this#letting the protective ego-boosting and boasting drop leads to him having to confront SO much baggage and i don't think he is mentally able#i think he DOES know deep down that everything is a lie and he has been hurt because we see that self awareness in ptsdee and tends bar#but his relationship with everyone in the gang is so strained that i don't think he would be able to have a moment like charlie did in s15#even in tends bar there's a moment where they all recognize something is going on with him but immediately place him at the center#because he's the problem with him. anything done to him is his fault. it's not only something he reinforces. the gang does too#this must be because *dennis* has no feelings and he hates valentines day because everyone else is unlike him which makes *him* mad#the entire gang has an issue placing blame on themselves but to not even be able to conceive of dennis being hurt by them is. telling#because he's inhuman to them. it's how he's propped himself up and yet simultaneously hopes that they will see through that act#the way he reworks things in his mind so that everything is a consequence of his grand plan#means that he is always at fault regardless of whether he brushes the blame off#so he is not a *victim* of anyone else. because this was all under his control. he wasn't raped because he was initiating it.#klinsky was His Conquest. he was fourteen and she was in her fifties but he forced himself on her so that makes it His Fault.#it was a two way road. he's fourteen. and he 'entered' her. he's fourteen. but she was uncomfortable with his advances. but he was fourteen#cw csa mention
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you ever read a work of fiction so good that you immediately need to find more and consume it but it doesn't have any more and there will likely be no more so you just suffer and think what if.
#theres no fanfic of it. its not a fandom#it was one 150000 word original fiction fic on ao3#i read it all in one sitting and i can't stop thinking about it#its not that i found the leads attractive or fuckable and thats why i kept reading#(the leads weren't like WHOA HEY levels of attraction but more like a id tap level)#((they were def fuckable tho thats not what made them interesting))#the way they interacted. with eachother. with their family. with the world around them#htere was so much lore. what about hte demon world tell me more about the classifications of demons and how it affects their lifestyle#tell me more about how a demon who had before this when needing to see would just create more eyes and needing to eat would just#create more mouths interacts with a body that cannot have more than what it was given. tell me more.#why was jade so effective? who was two really? who hired those assassins? are shades normally powerful or is he an exception?#did she ever learn to ride? did he figure out how to balance? do their children inherit his constitution? do they inherit hers? what happen#when she starts to age? does he try to do anything to stop it? does his body rotting around him limit his time or is it something else?#does the doctor get the herbs from hell? does the butler ever find out he didn't know she knew until the last min?#the sex is good. obviously. but what was cuddling like? is carrying a 1/3 demon baby full term different from a standard human baby?#did he choose velvet for his wedding suit because it felt like his regular skin or because of something else? tell me. tell me. tell me.#if i were to get isekaied i hope to fuck it wouldnt be here bc my ass would be dead but also im feeling so intensly curious#if truck kun came knocking i would ahve a notebook in hand full of questions to be answered#the romance was good ig but the world was better#is this what sqq felt lmao#rants and rambles
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my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....
#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth#she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her#directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her#and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because#you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple#days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and#she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends.#and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only#give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i#didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she#says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do.#i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was#really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think#for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe#since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why.#i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a#fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if#i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person#to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a#conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a#hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend#group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.
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Runaway Kagero! Igarashi Brothers... Collapse!?
#kr revice lb#kr lb#umbrella.thoughts#umbrella.posts#ikki really needs to gain some empathy bc it's been obvious that daiji feels inferior since day one#even their mother has tried to convey that daiji can be sensitive and therefore have trouble communicating#if ikki knows daiji best he should be more mindful of this#daiji literally feels like the kid who knows their not the favorite but won't say anything#like sorry he doesn't shine like ikki and isn't strong like sakura but he still deserves to be appreciated and to have his own space#we're also starting to get more sakura which is good#she seems to feel like even though she's a strong fighter and has strong beliefs she still feels weak#against another human she may be fine but the kamen riders are against something else and she can't really do much about it right now#the fact that she can't be the one to save her brother and that she has to have faith in ikki even though she knows ikki is hesitating#is worrisome and i feel like that frustration is something we'll see more of as her demon surfaces
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brennan trend of characters who view their bodies not necessarily as themselves but as a Tool they can use to earn favor from / a place with other people (often as an Apology for who they are) has me thinking about Zelda's Ending of All Things vision again
#N posts stuff#eg: Sean who is most at peace Explicitly when he allows other people to order him around -> tool for others to use#or Nikhil who includes himself in the worldview of 'every living thing is Inherently selfish and cruel' and so uses his body for Sex#bc that's an act that can bring him some pleasure while also getting him Favors from other people bc he doesn't think anyone#would be willing to help him / be decent to him otherwise -> bargaining chip to earn favor#or Hob who views himself - as his superiors say - as a 'blunt instrument' wielded best by other people who are smarter than him#his entire self-perception is cornerstoned by his ability to follow orders regardless of what he wants -> tool for others to use#following this thread we have Zelda - whose Vision is defined only by a concert where she is just Tearing Through iterations of herself#we know she struggles w/ self-image and self-deprecation -> pondering the potential that Zelda ALSO sees her body as#something of a Tool she can use to gain favor / friendship bc she doesn't feel capable of offering any Social benefit to others#her body as a Shield she can put in front of her friends and a Weapon she can wield to defend them - regardless of the damage#she risks posing to herself -> Zelda tearing bloodily through her own body w/ no regard to the consequences bc What Else Does She#Have To Offer? ; so she can't stop Attacking and also can't stop Taking The Hits -> this building into the scene the maidens glimpse#Zelda who kills / dies for her friends bc she isn't worth anything outside of that -> bargaining chip to earn favor#interesting though how Zelda does not necessarily seem to Confront this as much as she Flees from it; due to the nature of#the gameplay focusing primarily on the Player Characters as opposed to Zelda as an NPC#the others find some degree of Peace w/ their vision but Zelda leaves snarling 'i Super don't like it here' as she flees from it#anyway i Will write a fic about this one day but first we have to Ponder it more lol
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hmmmmmmm
#been feeling pretty childish recently bc my anxiety makes it so I can't do.. casual grown up things very well?#phone calls. making doctor appointments. sending emails. etc etc.#and like I'm not doing anything. I know I'm starting a job in September but like.#who knows how long that'll last before I inevitably hate it & stop doing it & have to find something else#ANYWAYS. what I wanted to say is.#my. I want to say friend but I haven't talked to her in over 2 years so. person who used to be my friend I guess?#is a musician/singer and she's going on tour & it's sold out & she'll be on tv tomorrow on a pretty well known show and I just#I KNOW i shouldn't compare myself to others my age (and younger. she's 1 year younger than me) but still it's like.#I used to want to be a musician & I only stopped wanting that bc my anxiety got worse and seeing someone#I used to be close to living that dream is like.... ouch oof. hurts.#also the fact that we stopped talking which also was my anxiety I guess#can I beat my anxiety up?? therapy & working on it fucking sucks I want to beat it up. stab it maybe.#doddie redet
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Living in america is like. I may or may not have serious/deadly illnesses but fuck if I know because the closest doctor that accepts my insurance, is taking patients, and doesn't want to violently rip me off all of my medications and yell at me is two hours away and regardless of if I can get a ride or not that is simply not possible to manage as a primary care provider
#like I'm going insane?#Im still regularly spotting/bleeding and idk wtf the 2 month long period was about#my anemia is getting Really Fucking Bad again and I have been overdue for a pap smear for several months now#every specialist I'm supposed to see is in portland and that's like a 3 hour drive from here why the FUCK is there like no doctors in my#goddamn area we aren't fuckin rural?#I'm freaking out a little bit ngl bc my health is actively worsening and I cannot find some place I can actually get to on a regular enough#basis to actually help with anything and my doctor in [REDACTED] is trying her damned hardest to help rn but like#the fact of the matter is she's too far away and she can't help and Idk where tf Im going to find anyone else at all let alone anyone else#who's not going to immediately attack me for being on muscle relaxants like what the shit man
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