#bc i can't manage my emotions
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#as someone woth quiet bpd i just spent 12h obsessing over the same upsetting work thoughts they bothered me with on my day off#bc i can't manage my emotions#it's eating me up inside#i'm here frozen#i did notthing but think he same thoughts over and over and over again#:))#i love it#love being emotionally unstable and sabotaging myself#let's not talk about the even more dmaaging behaviors or how my stomach was worse today too#it's 2am and i can't sleep bc i'm fucking angry and upset and i can't let it go#emotional dysregulation ftw lmai#i mean i wanna be able to tell my coworker it sucks how they did it#but also i just wanna not talk to them at all anymore until I quit and never see them again#just stone wall them the way i did my parents#maybe their reaction reminded me of my parents and that's why i'm triggered?#either way i'm mad and ready to leave#i mean i'vr been ready#i just wavered a bit the last week and this is just like a final kick in the ass#i'm just also pissed off at myself that this ruined my day#and that i can't sleep#ignore me#rant
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Reunion
#meadowart#in stars and time#isat spoilers#isat loop#isat siffrin#sifloop#i finished my second playthrough today#got 2hats obviously#and they made me ill again#couldn't stop thinking about their postgame meeting. i think it'd be pretty emotional at first. but once they processed everything they'd#just cling to each other and have a moment. maybe a long tender talk too#Sif looks different bc it's somewhat late postgame?? and i can't not think about Loop pointing out his change and feeling bitter because#they'll never get to change#(they will but they have to go through some thinking first okay)#hell yes i managed to load this#and even recovered the tags
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Today I got to have an entire 3 message long dm convo with Alex Hirsch. I am never getting over this high.
#Alex Hirsch#this is the greatest day of my life#I even managed to show total decorum#didn't even use any words like decorum#I wanted to. but I didn't.#didn't even use the word macabre. wanted to do that too. I used normal words that normal humans use#as to not sound like a complete and total tool#hopefully ahfkajgkkak#I restrained myself to only saying 3 messages bc any more than that and I'd have to publically execute myself for overstepping boundaries#and I didn't even use any key smashes! and only One socially acceptable emoji.#I can't stop myself from using emojis entirely. those are a disability accomodation at this point ahfkjskgjskgjak#hey are these normal things to think#I think so#I got his twitter message directly at the start of my train ride and I've been processing my emotions for the rest of the trip#I keep nearly flagging down the train attendants to be like 'hiiii can I tell you about the good news :) not in a jesus way I promise'#but once again: restraint 🙏#you're WELCOME train attendants#it was so funny though Alex was like 'lemme know what you want to have grunkle stan say!'#and even when given permission to talk I was like damn he's going to kill me if I send a message#but I sent it#and he was very very nice#and will be sending me the grunkle stan recording tomorrow (✷‿✷)#work is going to be physically impossible tomorrow#sorry customers please pardon me while I run to the produce cooler and scream at the top of my lungs for 20-30 minutes#fluffle talks#what's the opposite of emotional devastation. bc I'm that right now.
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👍
#i went to sleep at 3am and its 6am now bc i criedmyself to sleep 👍👍#sorry to ventdump my annoying insecurities again#i cant bring myself to do something i really want anymore#been having these thoughts since last year but this year its a lot more apparent#ideas are not scarce but the motivation/time to execute them are#i wish i could take an indefinite break on taking commissions bc by the time im finished with all of them im too burnt out/1#to draw for my blog and by the time it passes my motivation for these ideas also vanishes/2#I cant actually stop now bc im still an unpaid internee working for experience+portfolio so I need the money#I feel like shit whenever i can't get art done at the appropriate timing (ex: thematic holiday/character bday/event etc)#everything passes too fast and its already too late and the hype dies#its so hard to stay relevant and charismatic enough#Looking back I can't say im 100% satisfied with ANY art i posted this year#“was it worthy? is it still relevant? did I waste my time doing this?”#im too overly emotional over this (unfortunately) popular fictional lion beastman#“I want to yume/draw him more often/talk more about him!”#why? hes already popular enough. He has louder and more popular users who do that for him. nobody would care if it's you.#you'd get a swarm of hate. nobody would send you nice asks about it.#you don't get nearly half of the asks you used to receive back then. people just aren't interested in you anymore.#maybe you should delete your blog and start drawing trendy doodles of whatever is being hyped up at the moment.#.#if I can't execute original ideas what's the point of it?#I hate HATE having to do trendy art of whatever unfunny meme is being hyped up at the moment#but sometimes its necessary for the algorithm to boost you and to get some actual crumbs of engagement and new followers#what else can I do? being interesting on your own or having an interesting oc is no easy feat. I envy those who manage.
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trying out procreate brushes again but with more Purpose. i found a fantastic ballpoint pen, alongside some ink-based brushes that give you Sloppy Effects... which i appreciate as someone whose ballpoint drawings always ended up a smudgy mess no matter how hard i tried to avoid it ;;;
(and a colored version to play with his fursona's colors a little + see how he looks with slightly more accurate paws and proportions hehe)
#(tbc -- the one on the left is digital. that's allll procreate babey. v proud of the effect i managed.)#gonna tag r!ren as well bc like. it's a fursona. maybe his fursona DOES have his dream job idk!!!#the decision to add the blue ballpoint made me So Unwell. He's Right Here and writes in the corners to be playful. <333333#(and tbc: this design is MORE accurate but i still need to find better ref before i lock in his design jnsfdj#this just in: otters are difficult to get good detail ref shots of bc they're In The Fucking Water lmao ;;; show me your paws dude!!)#📌 [ my posts. ]#🎨 [ 046 art. ]#046 art#🍄 [ lying on the blade of an emotion. ]#🧃 [ who is in control. ]#🦦 [ can't escape it. ]#🐸 [ look ahead. ]
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I love how, even with how goofy and silly and immature MK can sometimes be, he's still a really clever character that's good at putting things together, especially in ways that the others might not think about. Being a little unserious and jocular and excitable are not inherently bad things, and they are not things that automatically mean that someone is stupid, no matter how distractable or fun-loving they might seem.
He's also very aware of his shortcomings, and is learning how to cope with his problems. I do like how they have it so far to where MK isn't getting over his problems right away, and acknowledging that sometimes things are just gonna... stick. It's a part of you, and it may stay that way for a long time. But it's livable, once you figure out how. You can even make it work for you. Take that same energy, turn it on its head, and put it towards something else. Not just coping with a problem, but learning ways to redirect it. It's really nice that this is out there, and that kids can see it. Whether or not all of them will pick up on the lessons is another matter; but I think that that some of them can, and have the opportunity to, is important.
#Neg watches Monkie Kid#lego monkie kid#mostly talking out of my ass again about things that I personally never take to heart; or at least cannot seem to#but I think that it's good that something like this exists#MK is a wonderful character also; he's just so Good#easy to relate to and entertaining; which makes him being a vehicle for lessons like this pretty valuable imo#plus being a lil enthusiastic; easy to distract; prone to overthinking (or not thinking enough) and presented as a kind-hearted protagonist#is a Good Thing actually; as I said before; it's important for people to know that these traits are actually neutral#and often have no bearing on either the kind of person someone is; or their level of intelligence#also that kids who are Like MK in some way can see themselves in him#also flawed protagonists that are acknowledged as flawed; and the acknowledgement that some flaws you can't overcome entirely#nor should you entirely try; bc at some point you're just beating yourself up#and instead learn to better manage these issues and live with them#idk I just. it's a deeply silly show with a deeply loving heart ig?? lotta emotional maturity goin on here#as well as watching the protag grow in real time in ways that are more readily relatable to a real person-#despite the fantastical circumstances lol
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#day 4 on bupropion#i need to vent. bc today was mostly decent. cause at least i could control my emotions and not cry at every little thing#but ended just as badly as i was feeling yesterday. i feel rly sad rn#when im productive i feel great but when im trying to relax? i feel like i need to find something productive to do immediately.#its like i need to do everything but i have no desire to do anything#im like. lying in bed at 2 am grieving my hyperfixations hard. been crying for the past 3 hours#bc i just cant sit down and enjoy anything without feeling like im forcing myself. and i already miss feeling things when i play video game#idk if i can do the 4-6 weeks of this before side effects normalize. everyone says it gets better#and even that is making me feel guilty bc it took me this long to get help and i already want to quit on my first week#i have an appointment with my dr on friday but fuck. the last 3 nights have felt like weeks. its so hard falling asleep.#it really doesn't help that this med is making me. stupid. i have about 10 seconds worth of memory before the thought is deleted#literally forgetting what i'm talking about midway through a sentence#but hey. at least my memory is so bad i cant remember what i did today and overthink every action. i guess.#and maybe tmi. but my libido is gone... like completely nonexistent now#some people literally take this shit to help w a low libido!!! but for me it is doing the exact opposite!!! what is wrong with my body#and to top it off i can't drink even a half cup of coffee without panic attacks. i miss iced coffee already :(#cant enjoy shit anymore and my adhd feels 10 times worse than it did before bc i can't sit still to save my life.#anyway im yapping so much but i need to because im feeling so alone#some side affects im getting r common and manageable but some are pretty uncommon and its hard finding anyone who relates...
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so me and Sam FINALLY watched the last season of Capaldi's Who
and tell me how, after literally over a decade and for perhaps the first time in his fucking career, Steven Moffat wrote a not just tolerable but really actually good two-parter and fully stuck the landing. like the editing and pacing were still a bit off but the storyline was original, fun, interesting and emotionally invested, and most importantly, rather than ending on a damp fart or the most furious autofellatio in history, the final part didn't fumble it and ended in a way that felt emotionally satisfying and like it made sense for the characters. like the last time he successfully wrapped up a multiparter in a way that didn't feel cheap and hollowly disappointing to me was literally The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, and a) that was in 2005 and b) tbh The Doctor Dances is about a tenth as compelling and memorable as The Empty Child.
so after 12 years of either hackery or great ideas that fall apart in the second act, Steven Moffat writes what I would genuinely consider to be a memorable Good Doctor Who serial. it ends with bittersweet pathos, a solid closer for all the main characters, and sends Moffat's showrunning career out on a genuine high despite failing ratings and budget cuts (and the fact Doctor Who hasn't been consistently good since about 2009). good job Steve. with grudging respect I admit you pulled it out of the bag on this one.
wait what's this there's one more episode left? and it stars Mark Gatiss? and you literally spend the whole episode inexplicably just shitting all over the legacy of Doctor Who by inventing a version of the First Doctor that bears literally no resemblance to the character that William Hartnell actually played, just so you can spend the whole episode saying misogynistic things to run yourself off to how much more Totally Feminist your version was than the version you made up in your head of what Doctor Who was like in the 60s? and it added literally nothing to the season except to take all the wind out of the sails of the actually good finale you already wrote?
even when he writes a good episode this fucker still finds ways to disappoint me.
#red said#as I remembered it is by a LONG shot the best that Doctor Who has been under Moffat and I do think giving Capaldi more creative control#helped a lot. cause he's a massive nerd and also he approximately knows how to construct a story.#bill is the first female companion Moffat has ever written with an actual fucking personality#(even if being mean that personality is maybe kind of just what you'd get if you put rose Martha and Donna in a blender)#(at least she's not a blank slate with the words SASSY. SEXY. written on it)#matt Lucas is genuinely surprising bc despite hating the man it's kind of impossible to not like Nardole by the end??#michelle gomez finally gets some room to get her Anthony Ainley on and be the Master PROPERLY#i was hooting and clapping my hands at the John Sim Master's dumb disguise#like the cast is GREAT#(and while he still can't shut the fuck up about her at least Moffat isn't shoving River fucking Song down my throat 24/7)#buuuuuuuut uhhhh the politics are. incoherent and the vibes are rancid in a lot of the episode plots.#they clearly WANT to do Social Commentary but weirdly keep bringing up colonialism and capitalism and then taking the side of the baddies?#how are you doing to do a piece about the British Empire colonising Mars with a posh villain and a whole comparison to the British Raj#then come down on the side of the British state? same with the ninth legion piece? and the zombie spacesuit one is fun#but it wraps up with 'and then they complained to upper management and capitalism ended forever the end'#uhhhhh in the one with the microbot colony again we conclude the Morally Correct Answer is colonialism#don't get me started on the monks plot which is a) literally just ripping off the Year That Never Was but without the emotional impact#but also b) has some really weird and genuinely fucked up ideas about both geopolitics and uhhhh consent????#so yeah the philosophical core is either incoherent or Fucking Horrendous in almost every episode#it's frequently derivative but tbh that's often to its benefit bc it vibes like trying to figure out what actually makes episodes memorable#and the budget is clearly cut to the bone bc the visual effects look worse than 2005 and the post edits are really weird and janky#like the pacing and ordering is weirdly off and a lot of the shot to shot transitions are awkward or confusing.#plus the sound design in the first few eps is. unhinged. it sounds like offbrand versions of standard stings it's all just Slightly Wrong#but for real i liked it more than I've liked any other season of Moffat Who. it's messy incoherent and often politically INFURIATING#but it has some actual heart and energy. and it feels like doctor who. and i would say moffat is spending like 10% as much time#wanking over his own past triumphs (and Alex Kingston)#and a lot more time like. trying to write something which works. he's not like successful 100% of the time. or even 50%.#but there's a lot more warmth and creativity. mackie capaldi and lucas have actual chemistry as a core cast#and i think it helps that everyone in the core cast is SO PSYCHED TO BE THERE. like it just wasn't a slog like all Moffat's other seasons.
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who up feeling the ancient hysterical shame
#speak friend and enter#on the one hand i feel like im uniquely unfit to work with others but on the other hand. i am right about this particular issue#my chef wrote me up for 'attitude problems' when i yelled at the front of house manager for pushing undercooked chicken#it's becoming increasingly clear to me that he just has a problem with women so im looking for other jobs.#i am normally very opposed to the 'if you can't handle me then im too good for you' attitude#but if you create a work environment where people blow up bc they're not getting any feedback beyond people talking shit behind their back#then you shouldn't be surprised when they quit! especially if you call them 'too emotional!' fucka you!#how many thomas kellers james beards anthony bourdains have been chased out of this career because they were women?#how many talented chefs have been told they're 'too emotional to make it'? how many women have been intimidated away?
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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y'know. it really sucks to feel yourself back-sliding, mentally, when you know you've been doing pretty alright for a while
#i can feel it coming scoob. frankly i think it may already be here.#i am always so tired. frustrated. having really fun mood swings.#and my job is deeply taxing and deeply stressful. ao i never get any fucking reprieve.#and i literally don't have the energy to care for myself at home reliably.#so my whole fuckin day got ruined today bc my landlord visited with some people to measure the place.#and i spent hours cleaning. and he ended the call by trlling me my apartment was dirty.#so. i cried. bc i have no emotional resilience anymore on account of the constant stress#and then i cut someone off in traffic today despite trying really hard to Not do that#but despite checking my mirrors and blind spot 4 times i still managed it!#and they sped past me. so i screamed at them from the safety of my car with the windows rolled up.#and then immediately burst into uncontrollable tears that lasted the better part of 30 min#and nearly made me puke.#so now. i am hollowed-out and exhausted. just barely making it through.#and i can feel how close the absolute meltdown is. and i can't fuckin do anything about it bc i can't miss work! fuck!#it's been an exceptionally stressful two weeks and I've had it. but we keep trucking i guess.#idk im sad and frustrated and just going through it rn. and it sucks bc i remember being happy.#and i'm just not anymore.#i ramble#sorry this was long and rambly and unasked for i'm just having a really really bad day#and will be having them every day until at least august!
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im so full of anger every day that it makes it hard to function. what do i do
#blah blah blah#i generally try to not tamp down my thoughts and feelings but at what point is it 'being open' and at what point is it 'stewing'#i miss doing therapy but my medicaid doesnt cover psychiatric care#and my workplace is likely to schedule me back down at 20h/week once our new manager begins here#im so mad . he starts next week but idk if that means sunday (tomorrow) or monday#and why was only next week's schedule posted. why not the whole month#i have another job trying to schedule me and that one is easier to move around than the main one#full timers work 30h or more#and ive been working at least 35 every week for the past month since weve not had a manager#i want healthcare#i know im in a privileged position where i can even try to demand these things#but i am worried about the nextg year bc i dont know what my hours will look like yet#so i can't reliably predict my income for the year to select my own plan through the state service??#luckily open enrollment is nov and dec and it's only the start of nov now#i don't have a third recommender for phd programs so i can't fully submit those applications yet#im just so full of anger i feel unable to move#and the anger is of course about the odd time trying to balance my two part time jobs and rent and health#but it's also about! gestures at the globe full of things happening!#i am immobilized by anger and it's putting a big strain on my relationship with my partner and my family!#i don't know that going back to therapy would fix these things but if i could at least have a person to talk to once a week#specifically dedicated to talking about Problems#idk#maybe it would lessen the amount im dumping on everyone else#it feels so privileged and selfish and evil of me to have desires and feeling like i am the world's center of evil isnt helping anyone#pursuing a phd wouldnt be helping anyone#being unable to move for how full of emotions i am isnt helping anyone#maybe i should just . remembers suicide jokes are bad etc. join the circus
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VI’S HOT TAKES / anon / ACCEPTING ! ↳ send a sonic or rpc-specific topic please !!
↳ 🔥 + drama
||. so... the best way to stop drama is to just ... not engage in drama.
TL;DR: don’t go out of your way to read something that makes you mad. don’t head into a tag you’re 50/50 about. don’t go on social media when you’re in a bad mood whether you’re cranky or just really tired. if you think you are in a state where you might become volatile, just take a step back and do not engage. to be quite frank about it, your anger will not only ruin YOUR day if you allow it to, but once it’s posted onto public, it becomes everyone else’s business even in the cases where it shouldn’t be.
... y’all it’s okay to ... NOT publish the mean anon you got. just delete it. don’t give it the time of day. 90% of the time the people who say mean things are just trying to elicit a response out of you. do not give them the satisfaction of engaging their playground taunt with a response.
FURTHERMORE in the case where this sort of thing just cannot be avoided: always always ALWAYS take a step back before even CONSIDERING a response. some things just get under our skin. that’s okay. that’s normal! frankly, you ought to listen to your anger. it’s just an emotion that is telling you that something is wrong. HOWEVER. that doesn’t make it okay for anyone to ACT upon that anger. not that anon, and not you. or the people who read it after!
there is a way to go about responding to your own anger and putting down a boundary with those mean people (and / or the people who want to get a rise out of you) in a way that doesn’t fuel the flames. and part of that is walking away. always, always always WALK AWAY before you do anything else. and if you can’t, then you need to respectfully disengage (ie: delete the ask, in this examples’ case), and get your mind off of it for a while. at least, for until you can work through your thoughts and come back to it with a more level head. write down your thoughts in a word doc or a journal! go punch a pillow! go on a walk or a run to cool off! drink some water and grab a hot shower; do some TLC! your anger is telling you that you got hurt, and sometimes we just need to let it out and come back later.
if , when you come back, that mean thing is still bothering you, then - with the understanding of WHY it’s bothering you under your belt - you can respond. but do so in a way that’s polite, and without an attitude. because the second you respond to the other person with cursing, or sarcasm, or just general spite? you’ve already lost that battle. you have not just received drama, you’ve BECOME the drama for actually everyone else around you. it creates a very... awkward atmosphere.
#(we as a modern society take the internet for granted)#(we are /all/ cloaked in a level of anonymity here)#(and yet for the most part? we're all still real people behind the screen.)#(it could be a case of miscommunication. it could be case of one person being awfully tired or had a bad day)#(at the end of the day the only person's actions you can control are your own)#(The only emotions you can manage are also your own)#(your anger is telling you there is a problem yes. and your are entitled to that feeling!)#(but you also can't go lashing out at other people either. treat others with respect. turnt he other cheek when someone is being mean to you#(the BEST WAY to stop a bully in their tracks is simply to kill their bad behavior with kindness)#(if someone is yelling at you and you remain calm cool and collected)#(and either disengage when it becomes to much or stand your ground while remainined respectful about it)#(the only person who looks a fool is the person yelling)#(treat YOURSELF with respect by allowing yourself to feel without bringing others down with you i guess??? in general)#(but also on the internet bc i swear we all get caught up in the whole anonymity thing and take it all for granted)#(it's a mess)#⸨ * OOC ⸩ — he was never actually called a rodent in the games but yknow .#⸨ * OOC ANSWERS ⸩ — don’t look at me and my 5 tins of mints .
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I was supposed to just post about the Lamb Chop dog toy and move on but of course I forgot to do it. And I'm not too big on the one for today either but it's more a personal issue than anything. I'm not letting it get to me too bad because the song I had for yesterday is close to how I feel in its emotions if not actually relevant to the situation.
youtube
#frustration evokes a specific emotion that i relate to heavily#it's one of the songs by soft cell i like the most#i also would love to set a bad bad example#anyway the reason i dont care for today's image is bc of ms wade from when i was little#she was my teacher and actually got married but she ruined my life so i don't recognize it#you know how at the end of it's a wonderful life where George says he wishes he wasn't born and he gets to see how much of a seedy shithole#his competitor would turn the town into and that everyone there owes their happiness and livelyhood to him#his brother drowned the pharmacist was convicted of murder his mother ran a boarding home his wife never married and so on#well i live in a sort of reverse of that ms wade was born and hates kids so now i live in Pottersville instead of Bedford Falls#i always hated those who said they hate children and I was never certain why but now I do#ms wade brought my ma in to scream at her bc i kept moving my hair off my forehead bc it bothered me#ive seen that evil before i can't trust you anymore when you say that I know you're a demon#anyway that's how I got my diagnoses#three then another the year after idr when anger management was addressed but i blame her for that one too#the first three weren't her fault but it was the worst way to discover it#year of the david olenick calendar#Youtube
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#i kept my shit together longer this time at least#i will do anything to get rid of this feeling#it's driving me crazy#it's unbearable#even with nearly double my meds i still want to cry myself to sleep#i kept it together through half the exam season#i did good#but i still shouldn't have to go through this low#my life wasn't even in a high#it was tolerable for the past couple of weeks#but i still haven't fully recovered from that last depressive episode#it keeps coming back every time something minor triggers it#and i don't want to give it that much credit by calling it a depresive episode but i haven't showered in like a fucking week#and i can't see the surface of my desk or use my chair bc it's so fucking cluttered#i still don't know how i managed to clean my rooms floor from all the stuff#I'm really really tierd of feeling this way#i don't like this emotion#i want to feel loved i want to have someone that cares for me#feeling physical pain sounds like a good way to get rid of that feeling#i don't see any other way to destruct me from it#but i won't do it#i'm not gonna do it#i will probably sleep it off#or go into autopilot#I'm putting off going yo bed bc i don't want to cry#and feel bad about it#if i stop holding it together now i don't think i will recover#at least in time to not fail uni#i want to numb it out#i think I'm just going to bury my head under the blanket and hope for the best
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#i can't breathe around these people#and its like. i finally graduate. i get a full time job. im getting my license in four days. i've managed to keep#a whole dog happy & healthy & well trained. i ran a whole? classroom???? by myself??#like someone hired me to do that.#because they thought i was capable of it.#but i am still seen as. nothing. just nothing. by my family#im still an emotional dramatic embarrassing dumb#person who can never be independent#and will never be bc when i TRY to be when i TRY#its not taken seriously. because how can it be?#if they took me seriously they would first have to acknowledge that im a goddamn person who exists#and nobody even responds maybe?? 75%? of the time when i talk?#and when they do respond its to judge or shoot down or question and doubt what i have to say#idk why i left portland idk why i did that to myself idk why i started working here in dallas#idk why i didnt [redacted]
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