#bc he still thinks i have like the same amount of depression i did all my life until 2019 when hes fucked off

[wawek]

Jesus i should call my father but the issue is i really dislike to talk to him or be around him or think about him. But politically im obliged to at least put in minimal effort

[thenightisland]

in various conversations with my doctor about the insane life changing effect adhd meds have had on me one of the things he said was that it's not uncommon for people who have dysthymia/pervasive depressive disorder to have undiagnosed adhd at the root of the problem. and i think we forget that like. major depressive disorder is supposed to be something that eventually stops. it's episodic. like even people with depression very often are not in a state where it's just like. every day is a misery virtually nonstop for 15+ years. but with dysthymia/pdd it very much so is. which you can have pdd and mdd both at the same time too which is evil but anyway. it is wild enough conceptualizing that there is in fact a difference between the two things bc i very much so got depressed around age ten and just. never stopped. and when you live like that for the bulk of your life you just sort of get used to it? like it sucks but you just assume a degree of that is normal. so even on several antidepressants i never once aimed for "not depressed" i was always aiming for "mildly less miserable" i had just accepted that i would always be a degree of miserable and that my default was going to be feeling bad and if i was very lucky there might be a few days where i felt a little less bad now and then. the goal was "bearable misery" which is nuts to type out like wow! bleak!

anyway something i noticed when they started me on the adhd meds was that all the Racket in my head just. stopped. for weeks i just said to people "it's so quiet in there" because i didn't have dozens of loud competing fast thoughts all the time. and it took a while to pin down why this effect made me less depressed and worked better than literally any antidepressant had. and it's bc it /stopped thoughts/ and when i was depressed the Thoughts did not stop and they were not pleasant ones so i'd get stuck in these awful mental doom spirals and nothing i did would make it stop. and then this medicine made it stop. and it turns out it's much easier to not be sad when your brain doesn't have the Sad Channel turned up to high volume and is forcing you to deal with it clockwork-orange style. bc historically it was like oh god do we really have to do this again do we have to listen to the you will always be alone and unloved and nothing you do will ever be enough and your life will never be fulfilling in any way spiral again?? do we really have to i'm so tired. but now that channel is muted. a lot of channels have been muted. no amount of cbt/dbt techniques or various other therapy tactics had ever managed to mute those channels before.

and it's just insane it's like the thing about how stunned people with chronic pain are to learn that the normal amount of pain for someone to experience on an average day is none. it's just that but emotionally. bc even with the challenges i still have for autism reasons, most days now i'm fine. the emotional pain is zero on an average day. i now understand what people mean when they say "i'm having a bad day" bc there's a difference. but you see. all my days used to be bad. all of them. even the "good" days involved a degree of visceral emotional suffering and dread. and you don't realize how pervasive the bad is until the bad is the exception and not just an ordinary day.

i do not sit around consumed by the same thought patterns and doom spirals and mental quicksand now i'm just going about my day like an ordinary person and it's amazing how much less life /hurts/ and that's the only way i can think to put it is that every day used to hurt and it doesn't hurt now. past-me was incapable of conceptualizing a life where my baseline wasn't "profoundly and painfully sad and aching at all times" i was 100% prepared to just live like that forever!!!! and now if i have a bad day that's all it is an outlier i thought people in movies were just doing a bit when they had a "bad day" and the solution was just have a big piece of cake and cry a little and go to bed early and you'll feel better tomorrow bc i never felt better tomorrow! now i just feel better tomorrow if i have a bad day! most days the emotional pain scale is a 0/10.

like this is so long already but those of you who have been around for a long time you know how nuts this is for me. and i'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason even bad things and for a few years i've been like huh wonder what the reason is for the whole getting beaten in the head thing though. well. it exacerbated the working memory issues. and it got on my goddamn nerves. so i asked to try this medicine so i could remember to get my soup out of the microwave. and then it fixed all the problems that have plagued me since i was a small child. and now i'm able to conceptualize a day to day life that isn't just Hurting all the time when i once thought i would never do anything but hurt.

[velvetvexations]

Since we're talking about forcefem, here're most of the forcefem-related asks I've had in my inbox, some of which are a few days old on account of technically going in the vexatious tag if not exactly kink asks. I wanted to answer one from today on it's own which I'll get to later but I wanted to get to the older ones and also get to a few of the others from today while I was at it.

i just saw a post where a trans guy was showing some messages where someone was (unconsensually) basically roleplaying forcefemming him. despite him telling them that he did not want that and that it was very much transphobic, and he atill got a message boiling down to "you're not a man, silly, you're a girl :D" and. to be honest. this was the thing that stopped the brainworms of "what if the whole concept of transandrophobia is actually transmisogynistic and i am entirely wrong" bc at least some of these people will just say the most bog standard transphobic shit to trans guys and not register it as transphobia. so why the fuck would they be right about anything transmascs experience also on that note thank you for being so outspoken in favour of transmascs getting to discuss their oppression. it's really helpful to see trans women stand with us here, especially when it comes to aforementioned brainworms

congratulations to that transphobe for creating a new transandrobro

the 'forcemasc isnt revolutionary' shit is the most annoying iteration of stupid tumblr discourse. like im going through the tag trying to read some horny shit and oh look. theres someone being stupid and hypocritical. in my horny tag.

people are getting tribalist about kinks and it's depressing

Every time people are saying that trans men & mascs cannot possibly fathom being objectified & fetishized, I think on all of the posts I’ve seen that did that exact same thing. And yeah, some of it might have been kink, so no hate no judgement I dabble in that tag too, but I’ve also seen “get in the dress” type posts that seem to be genuinely calling for trans men to be more feminine, untagged & in the wild, enough where I’m like — am I just imagining this? Like am I crazy? Am I missing something, or was that extremely detailed post about why I MUST stay feminine — or become more — for someone else’s benefit being 100% serious? And, again — if it’s kink, all the power to them, I love that for them, I even occasionally love that for me. But I have encountered enough people who were dead serious that I sometimes want no one but trusted friends & advisors to ever witness me again. And then I look at statistics & feel genuinely ill. And yeah, I’m gnc — and there’s the rub, because while I feel genuine joy being fem as well as masc, I want it to be a Choice, not something forced upon me.

people need to be fucking normal

Yh like ik a lot of shitposts don't have any tags but people have. Really gotta tag forcefem. I've blocked a large amount of people making these jokes + filtered their names n I still see it

I'm sorry, anon. <3

Fuck thank you so much for talking so openly about forcemasc. I’m so dumb I thought there wasn’t a name for that kink that I’ve been into for years, albeit my version is way more weirder. It would be like a… forcemascfem??? Like first it’s forcemasc and then it turns into forcefem and then right back to forcemasc…. And then back to- Idk my gender is weird and my kinky fantasy for that is weird

Cross as many boundries as you want, that sounds rad. Forcefem has a lot of infrastructure to jump off of.

“I’m doing a kink in a non kink way so it’s not kink blog!” Sorry this pisses me off It’s still a kink. Like. If someone made an I-suggest-BDSM blog and tried to claim it wasn’t a kink blog I’m sure more people would see how silly this is but because it’s the transfem approved virtuous forcefem they just let it slide??? Like. You are engaging in a kink and thats fine. You can say there won’t be anything explicitly sexual! But it will still be a kink blog because it’s a blog about a kink! A kink blog if you will! It doesn’t matter if you’re not getting off to it, it’s still a kink! That you are participating in! On your blog about that kink!

It SHOULD piss you off! It's extremely fucking scummy!

what the hell? for like one solid minute(longer than that but i like saying it this way) all the forcefem on my dash was tagged and i could blissfully not have to see it every other post and then just today i had to unfollow a buncha people for an assload of untagged forcefem :/ like im transmasc i think its understandable that i do not wish to see that anyway hope your day is goin well miss velvet

yeah it's praxis to not tag kink anymore

trfs are perfectly aware what the "force" bit means when forcemasc comes up in conversation

strange how that works

[teamoon7]

So, after the last chapter

I've seen multiple theories so I want to know what most people think

(Click bellow if you wanna read my long rambles about it lol)

I actually am having very mixed opinions/theories on this?

(I'll also write some concerns over the course of the story and etc in the middle, so be warned if you don't like to read this type of thing)

It makes total sense for Kafka to sacrifice himself and even die here, because in a way, he already kinda accomplished his main goal- he DID fight alongside Mina in this final battle (and even acted like a captain while mina was his support), so his arc already had some kind of closure. Also, 8's whole purpose of existing will kinda be fulfilled the moment they manage to defeat the great kaiju (Idk if it has a name lol), so it's death would also make total sense for the narrative. Plus saying something is irreversible only to, chapters after, show that actually there WAS a secret way to reverse all of this, kinda makes the whole "it was irreversible" thing pointless, and I don't think they'd want to go for that.

At the same time, I'm pretty sure it was said in an interview that Matsumoto doesn't like being too cruel in the story? Plus we only had one major character death up until now lol, not a single important death in this final arc, and I can't really remember any characters that had something irreversible and tragic happen to them in the whole story (most close we got to that was when hoshina almost lost his arm but actually didn't), so with what we had up until now I'm not sure if it's likely that we'll have a depressing ending?

I really have no idea if they're gonna keep the "things are kinda tragic but most characters won't get TOO traumatized or injured" thing or if they'll actually make the most important character have a tragic ending

I also don't know if we have any information on how many chapters we have left, because I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that the manga is close to ending... So if we have a big enough amount of chapters left, I think it would be more likely that this whole thing with Kafka would at least be resolved in some sort of way, with him surviving and being able to still live a happy life somehow. If we actually only have a few chapter left (like idk, 12-20) I don't think we even would have enough time to develop and reverse this, so I think it'd be more likely for him to die.

I also saw recently the "he'll be turned into a weapon for mina to use" theory and it actually makes so much sense because mina is the only major character that didn't have any arc getting a full suit weapon and learning how to use it, so it would be a nice way to give her a weapon that actually has a VERY important connection to her (bc a character as important as her can't be the only one to be left out and not get a numbered suit, right???). It would be very tragic but also very cool

(If I'm being honest, I kinda wanted them to go for the cliche "Kafka goes berserk and everyone has to tragically fight him, but everyone just can't KILL him because they all just love him so much, so in the middle of the fight they manage to actually just contain him somehow so they don't HAVE to kill him, and they all try to find a solution to somehow still keep him alive" because I'm just a sucker for this type of thing and for characters being emotional lol, but I don't think that's happening)

Anyway, if they go with any of the tragic endings, I just hope the characters will suffer SO I CAN SUFFER TOGETHER WITH THEM

Pls Matsumoto, make them cry, make them go through grief (even the most unlikely ones like hoshina, mina and maybe even Narumi), make ME cry together with them- it would just be so sad (not in a positive way lol) if they mourned over this for like one or 2 chapters and then everyone gets ok after this 😭 if there WILL be drama, I want the drama to actually last and have big impacts, to actually show that the characters CARED, pretty pls 🙏

[charmixpower]

I've always loved how committed Timmy was to finding Tecna and thinking about it sent me on a long path of thoughts and I landed on this: how do you think the specialists +Nabu would react if they thought their girlfriend was killed?

Not well!!! Thank you for the Ask :D

Sky: idk if Sky or Brandon would be able to sense Bloom and Stella like Timmy was able to do for Tecna so I'm just gonna assume no bc everyone below them can. I feel like he wouldn't believe it???? Bloom was killed? No she wasn't. Shut up. Like it's half denial and half "have you seen the bullshit magic she's capable of??" It would take Bloom's actual corpse to convince him she was actually dead or a REALLY convincing illusion he could touch. Then he's all fucking sad. Sky is a mom friend so he's going in between extreme sadness and trying to end the person who did this

Brandon: Anyone else except me and Jester notice how Brandon was the most calm at Nabu's funeral???? I feel like he'd have the least worse reaction, not in the sense that he's not upset but in the sense that he has the best handle on his emotions. Like he still gets VERY upset and wants revenge but he's not gonna fucking go berserk and cause problems like Helia and Riven would. He IS still going to try and stab whoever did that to Stella though, he's just going to be slightly smarter about it. I feel like he'd also try and get everyone else to be more careful, around the threat, not himself tho. My Brandon has magic but idk if he'd b able to sense Stella bc his Erakylon tutors wouldn't focus on stuff like that

Timmy: I won't type on this one long because well we know he can't be convinced Tecna's dead unless she's actually dead bc magic, but if he actually thought she was killed he wouldn't try to attack the thing that killed her, he'd try to retrieve and protect her body. Timmy is one of the few people who can keep a level head when upset, including Brandon, and is willing to let the magic people do the magic fighting and stay out of their way (Brandon is also smart enough to know he's not much of a help but is confident in his skills enough that he knows he CAN still help tho)

Riven: Timmy knows Tecna is alive bc it's sorta implied that he can kinda sense her magic?? Like he says he can still feel her, and I'm assuming that means her magic. Anyways you know how Riven could still sense Darcy in s2 after they broke up???? Riven couldn't be convinced Musa was dead unless she actually was dead. He can feel very a lot more strongly than Timmy can feel Tecna I imagine bc he could still sense Darcy's presence after they broke up, so it would be stupid hard to convince him she was dead. If you did somehow manage this he'd attempt to get revenge and then immediately collapse with depression since revenge was gotten. He doesn't handle things well in general, and that's like. The light of his life. His person. He'd literally stop functioning if she was dead

Helia: You'd think bc Helia actually has magic his ability to sense Flora would be stronger, but like it's not terrible but it would be as vague as Timmy's is in canon bc he never uses it. In my hcs it would be better bc he goes to CT and actually uses his magic more often, but he'd still be doing worse than like Nabu, who is a lot better at magic. Helia has a tendency to lash out when Flora is in danger so I think if he genuinely thought she was dead for any amount of time he would be going full war path until he realizes she's alive. When he does realize, bc it will take him a second, he immediately calms down and starts putting together a plan to help Flora

Nabu: he would not think Aisha was dead unless she was actually dead, same reasons as everyone else but his magic is stronger so he'd be the hardest to convince. But like, let's pretend he did actually think she was dead, I feel like he would go full Dungeon Meshi lesbians. He will go any length to revive her if she's dead, and bc she's not dead he's using magic to divine her location and go and get her. Nabu is very into writing spells and runes and arcane magic and there is nothing magical he wouldn't try to get Aisha back. Mans was already so dedicated to getting to know her, combine that with him being in love with her and there is nothing he wouldn't do

[clowningaroundmars]

prowlerbyte hcs

ok..... yall got me. you did. i ship prowlerbyte now 😅 and i'd like to throw out some Thoughts about them bc damnit if this ship doesn't have some Flavor to it that i'd like to share with you all 🤌

both margo and miles g here are from earth 42 tho bc i think miles g has been thru Enough and he deserves someone in his corner in his own universe, besides his family members

LOTS of words under the cut ↓

♡ weirdgirl nerd x edgyboy nerd 100%… you just KNOW IT. miles is absolutely a geek either for comics or anime and he only opens up to his closest friends to let them see that side of him, no one else. margo brings that side out of him often when they meet up (but miles is still p reserved if anyone else is with them)

♡ margo is a fantastic singer and hums mind-blowing runs as easily as she breathes and miles absolutely loves it. when she's depressed, she sings a lot less so whenever she DOES sing that's how he knows she's in a good mood. he loves having her over bc he gets to pull out uncle aaron's old secondhand record player and place rnb and 90's hiphop vinyls on it, playing soulful music that she hums to as they parallel-play or do homework together

♡ when margo first convinced miles to let her do his hair, he was hella worried that his mom would disapprove and chastise him once she saw but she was surprisingly very supportive of it, although a bit hesitant. eventually she was grateful she didnt have to braid her son's hair as often (being a single parent is exhausting enough lol)

♡ rio42 ofc had the same reaction to margo as rio1610 when she 1st met gwen, but when margo eventually started showing up more and more to hang out with the morales fam (and aaron too lol), she grew on rio. they both keep a close eye on miles and try to keep him going towards the right path

♡ in their universe they both go to visions and even have a class together, and they are both very very academically competitive. rio doesn't need to stay on miles' ass about his grades bc margo is right there taunting him with an A+ on a test every single time

♡ they actually ACTUALLY study together in the library or in miles' room during study sessions. neither of them can afford to fall off wrt their grades and they both have big dreams they wanna achieve: margo wants to become a hardlight technician and apply for oscorp (much to miles' chagrin), and miles wants to continue his engineering and robotics career so he can provide for his whole family

♡ margo's parents constantly fighting means she is often over at miles' house more than he is at hers. it actually took her an embarrassingly long amount of time to finally invite him over because she never wanted her parents to know he even existed, let alone actually meet him at all. miles was at first kinda offended she didn't want him to meet her parents even after they got together but when he heard them arguing in the background during a call one day, he finally Understood

♡ after he found out about her crappy home life (and also secretly told rio), she was welcome to stay more often at his place. she has a blanket, a few clothes and several diff books and console games lying around in his room

♡ it honestly also took them both a ridiculously long time to finally start dating. everyone around them shipped them but they remained friends for a long time bc miles was just too closed off and scared to let anyone into his private life like that. also i hc they are both on the ace spectrum but don't realize it until later (listen i see purple characters and i HAVE to wave the ace wand on them ok 😭)

♡ margo is sometimes frustrated at miles for being so secretive and hiding his emotions behind walls, as goofy and dorky as he can be. she wishes he would just come out and be more honest about his feelings but understands that after his dad's passing, its harder for him to communicate his emotions

♡ she was the one who asked him out first, actually. he was beating around the bush way too much and so she finally put her foot down and initiated the relationship

♡ in public or with strangers they are: sunshine x sunshine protector. in private or with family n friends they are: "EXCUSE ME! miles asked for no pickles ☝️" esp since margo is the extrovert and he's the introvert.

♡ miles is actually p jealous and protective of margo and she finds that hilarious.

"i don't need any protecting, babe. i am a certified badass," margo says, flipping her box braids.

miles laughs, winding boxing wraps around his hands and standing in front of his giant punching bag. he looks over at his girlfriend sitting on a bean bag, with her adorable kitten t-shirt and fluffy sweater and grins even wider. "yeah… aight, sure thing."

margo scoffs, noticing his line of sight and looking very offended. "i may look cute and unassuming but that's exactly what i want our enemies to think! it gives me an advantage!"

miles hums, nodding. "mhm. advantage to do what, exactly?"

margo throws an empty soda can at him, which miles easily dodges as he laughs harder.

♡ it's funny, bc on the outside they seem like the stereotypical traditional straight relationship with a macho boy and sweetheart girl. but in reality they're both sarcastic snippy geeks who can both throw down in any verbal argument. and miles adores his gf, he's completely whipped for her. lets her paint his nails and everything, and if anyone tries to make fun of him for it, he doubles down and threatens to fight them over it

♡ they are THAT couple that wears lowkey matching outfits every once in a while. they actually enjoy shopping together which was a relief for both of them bc miles LIVES just to go sneaker shopping and margo absolutely loves trying new things on in the dressing room. theyre also both fashionistas in their own ways and love to accessorize. they swap accessories a lot

♡ whenever they hit up a bookstore, they are the first to head right on over to the manga section. right afterwards, they make a beeline over to the science fiction section and compare their purchases together after leaving

♡ miles is absolutely the "idc what my girl wears bc i know how to fight" boyfriend. margo doesn't go out in revealing outfits or anything, but looking a little TOO adorable in a dystopian city can sometimes paint a target on your back and so miles makes sure she's with him at all times if she wants to put her braids up into heart buns or wear a dress outside

♡ any hardware or mechanical problem that margo has, she takes it straight to miles. miles takes any software or coding issues he has to margo. if those software issues have anything to do with his prowler gear, however… he tries to isolate the issue and explain in vague terms what the problem is to avoid telling his gf he's actually the prowler

♡ no, he has not revealed to margo that he is the prowler yet. he's terrified to see her face when she inevitably finds out anyways, just KNOWING it would doom their relationship to a breakup if she ever figured it out. he does everything in his power to keep her from finding out his secret, even if it means disappointing her when he misses out on dates they set together

♡ they are both total champions at whatever multiplayer video game they get hooked onto. their personal faves are mmorpgs and battle royale games, but they are UNBELIEVABLY competitive when it comes to party games and even board games. they absolutely wipe the floor if they get to team up together

♡ tbqh they're the EXACT level of nerdy that they would consider playing video games in their separate homes as a date. "mmorpg and chill babe?" miles texts margo sometimes as a joking way to ask her on an online date. every minute they spend on voicechat as they kick digital ass together counts as quality time for sure

♡ even tho she's kind of embarrassed about it, margo has an absolutely huge plushie and figurine collection. she was worried miles would judge her SUPER HARD for her lowkey (highkey) special interest in anime figures when he 1st came over to her room, but immediately felt relieved when miles practically flew up to a rare figure she got secondhand from a japanese seller online and started ooohing and aaahing about it

♡ he actually tries to put aside whatever he earns prowling around the city for his mom first. then whatever's left over goes right to margo. he likes taking her out shopping and letting her pick out two or three things and seeing her beam like a sunrise before giving him a kiss on the cheek

♡ miles tries to hide his prowling behind the excuse of getting a job with his uncle at the family auto shop. every time he has a job to do or needs to leave suddenly, he blames it on "an emergency/new car job at the garage". margo eventually starts hating the word "garage"

♡ get either of these 2 to start talking abt their special interest, and it will be like Infodump City in there in 2 secs flat. they listen to each other's infodumping with hearts in their eyes, ESPECIALLY miles. margo goes "hey can i just rant to you about my new interest rq" and he goes "yes ma'am 🥰"

♡ everyone thinks margo is the one who cooks and cleans but hell no. miles is a neat freak whose room is the total opposite of margo's and he spends a lot of time alone at home when his mom is working a double shift and his uncle is out trying to secure another job for them. he knows how to cook like a damn chef by the time he's 16 (and also rio42 is not a toxic boymom. she will not raise any lazy needy son, her boy WILL know how to do laundry, cook meals and wash the damn dishes!)

♡ margo on the other hand tries to avoid the kitchen as often as possible and gets panic attacks when having to clean anywhere else but her own room bc of bad memories of having to sweep up broken glass after hearing her parents have violent fights that left the apartment in tatters. she never got to learn how to cook bc they never taught her, either

♡ margo is actually p traumatized from her parents' constant hateful fighting that she tries to squash down or hide behind a confident mask. but sometimes it pops up in ugly ways like when miles accidentally slams a cupboard door too loudly or a sarcastic comment sounds a little too bitter. her knee-jerk reaction is to always distance herself from miles a bit as a coping mechanism, which they had to work through

♡ miles' own grief and loss traumatized him beyond belief too ofc. after his dad's passing, his anxiety grows and he becomes more withdrawn, easily tired, and forgetful. it becomes worse after he becomes the prowler, bc dipping into the NYC underworld every so often gives p much anyone a healthy dose of paranoia. plus it takes some time away from his gf on top of all of that.

♡ if they're ever at parties or get-togethers at all, its always margo initiating conversations and meeting with people, making introductions and chatting happily. she always happens to have a quiet, chill miles-shaped shadow with her the whole time

♡ if margo was going to date miles, he told her one time, she was GOING to learn how to dance bachata and salsa. throw in a lil reggaeton in there as they get older and rio becomes a TINY bit more chill with seeing them on the dancefloor. they actually become much better at dancing together as they practice at family reunions and birthday parties

♡ miles carries around plush keychains and other trinkets that remind him of margo. he's a total sap when it comes to her, even if he tries to hide just how much he loves her sometimes. his phone's lockscreen is something dark or aesthetic like a city skyline or whatever but then when he unlocks it, margo is always his wallpaper

♡ aaron likes margo, he really does. he worries that miles doesn't have enough friends but he's happy that his nephew has a gf that is genuinely good for him. they all have a great time together whenever they do get downtime to chill together, like playing cards or helping aaron clean the garage

♡ that being said, aaron loves to pretend to sabotage their relationship as a running joke and watch miles get all riled up about it. it is hilarious to him, never gets old.

they're giving the garage connected to the autoshop its bimonthly deep clean just ahead of the yearly inspection.

it's a sunday, the only day of the week that the shop is closed for business and miles is on corner duty once they get down to the concrete floor. he's tasked with using the short hard brush attached to a long wooden handle to scrub the dust and grime out of the neglected corners. margo is scrubbing the middle with a much bigger sturdier widebroom, and aaron--being the tallest ofc-- has the duster on an extendable handle, swiping through the metal rafters and high shelves.

he notices miles struggling a bit with a mysterious stain in one corner, repeatedly attacking it before finally crouching down to shove the brush even harder against the floor with his hands.

aaron casually sneaks backwards and catches margo's attention with a smirk and a point of his chin. she swings her gaze around to her slightly frustrated boyfriend crouched down into a corner and starts giggling.

aaron grins as he suddenly says, "so yeah, thats why i got miles here on corner duty, usually. y'know being a little guy and all, he can do all that that someone as tall as me can't really do anymore yanno what i'm sayin? he's real good in those small spaces. that's why i'm up here, dustin' these rafters."

scandalized, miles springs back up with a "hey!!" and a withering glare shot their way. margo bursts out laughing.

♡ miles is the little spoon and margo is the big spoon, fight me abt it. his fave cuddling position is actually when his arms are wrapped around her and her cheek is laid against his head. otherwise, he loves his weighted blanket, and margo loves her warm mattress ♡ when they're home alone and on the couch watching movies, his back is usually to her side as he half-lays on her, using her arm as a pillow

♡ margo is def not a sports kind of girl but she tries for her bf. he and aaron are very much into basketball which she tries to keep up with just to join in on their convos. she always attends miles' boxing matches tho, ofc. she actually likes watching boxing matches in general! aaron gives her some old tapes of his own matches when he was younger and that's how margo gets into televised mma fights and ufc. she's always cheering for miles the loudest in the audience

♡ miles actually uses margo sometimes in his workouts. the proudest day of his life was when he was able to have margo laying on his back as he did pushups, and he made it to 10 before tiring himself out. she's the one holding his feet down as he does sit-ups and ab crunches. she tries to join in on his workouts too, and gets p good with the speedbag relatively quickly!

♡ miles-- being the paranoid guy he is-- happens to be the one to teach margo all of the effective self-defense moves. she thinks he's always exaggerating the danger out on the streets but she can't lie sometimes; whenever she's out past sunset with her keys in between her knuckles, she's just a TINY bit glad that miles taught her how to escape a rear chokehold

♡ margo is the soc media girl who is embarassingly online and posts about anything and everything of her life. new website coded? met a stray cat on her way over to miles'? bought a new manga? invented a cool gadget? they always show up in her followers soc media feed. she tries to get miles to pose for pics with her but he's mostly content to just be the guy behind the camera tbh. his own soc media account is pretty boring and bare since he rarely ever posts. he's got other things on his mind, errands to run

♡ the one and only time margo has ever seen miles cry was right after his dad died. the whole neighborhood got the news and she ran straight over to miles' apartment the minute she could. they climbed into his bed (the only time rio didn't reprimand them for it) and he just sobbed his heart out while they held each other for a real long time. she brought over homework and notes when he stayed home from school to recuperate

[strawbrygashez]

ZERO DAY/CALDRE HCS

•Andre fell for Cal pretty quickly. It was a mix of Cals ‘pretty blonde boy’ looks, Andre being a loner with no real friends beforehand, and Cal just getting him in a way no one ever really has before.

•Andre introduced Cal to more heavy music. Andre likes industrial metal while Cal had only really liked grunge before. Cal also shows Andre some grunge songs. They’ll make playlists for each other every now and then.

•Cals really good at making bracelets (real ones or just those kid friendship type bracelets). He’s made countless ones for Andre. (Andre mostly wears the first one Cal ever gave him)

Andre has tried making them too but once he even gets slightly frustrated, he gives up and just tosses it into Cals lap to finish for him.

•Kinda related to prev point, Cal likes doing DIY clothes/jewelry stuff in general. It gives him something to focus on other than wanting to die all the time 💀 One of his favorite things he’s made is a bracelet made out of the tabs off of Monster Energy cans. (Andre is honestly jealous he doesn’t have one.)

•Andre had a skateboarding phase. He kinda gave up on it halfway thru the ZD plans but he did try to teach Cal how to skateboard. (No it wasn’t a excuse to touch him while trying help him steady himself on the board.. okay fr it wasn’t. Cal just wanted to try it out since he saw Andre owned a few skateboards)

Cal is a bit of a giggler so he couldn’t take Andre too seriously when he was trying to give him actually helpful advice on how to skateboard.

•If Andre was in a particularly good mood while driving, he’d sing along loudly to whatever was playing on the radio. Cal would just shake his head with a smile.

•Cal tossed around the idea of working at hot topic for a while but for some reason or another, never applied. Andres secretly disappointed bc he would have liked if Cal had a employees discount.

•When Cals really bored & just feeling ‘off’, he’ll cut different shapes and stuff on himself. He’s done stuff like hearts & a butterfly. He’ll also do words or letters like ZD, A (for Andre :P), and because he’s a Manson fan.. I think he did Marilyn Mansons MM logo at least once. What a emo /j

•Both of them like thriller & horror movies but when it comes to TV shows they are a bit different. Andre likes stuff like Ghost Hunters & shows where they try to find Bigfoot (bc hes a very imaginative guy 💀) while Cal likes game shows where he can yell out answers & go on about how the contestants are stupid with Andre. He’s also kinda interested in cooking shows which Andre hates since they’re ‘too boring’.

•Neither of them are huge readers really but if they find a book or magazine that’s interesting, they’ll let the other borrow it.

•Andre steals knives & blades out of Cals room when he’s not looking but Cal never says anything. They both know Cal will just find a way to cut somehow but Andre still does it anyways (and since Andre will ultimately do whatever Cal wants at the end of the day, If cal asks for one of his knives back enough, Andre will give it back)

•Andre is sooooo the type to punch walls. He won’t do it at home really since he doesn’t want his parents worrying about him so it leads him to like.. punching brick walls outside which is much worse for his knuckles lol. But of course Cals there to bandage it up later.

•Cal is diagnosed with a few different things but won’t really bring it up unless it really needs to be. Andre knows all of his diagnoses tho and Cal will joke that Andre has the same things (depression, autism, adhd, etc) Andre will joke that he’s perfectly fine.

•Andre kept a good amount of his toy action figures from his childhood. They are in a box in his closet.

•Cals a bit of creep because sometimes at sleepovers, he just stares at Andre sleeping. He does it without even anything going on in his mind. He’s just enamored by him. Andre has caught him doing it a few times and just groans and rolls over or tosses a pillow at Cals face

[golbrocklovely]

Your respond made me question if those “fans” will ever accept Sam’s new partner that is not Katrina (or Colby lol). The way i see it even Malia was more welcomed than Katelyn (although both of them had a cold start). I think nowadays i see more people loving Malia and actually accepting her, than hating on her. Thing that I fear Kateyn would not be ale to achieve if she stayed. And my only reason for that it’s because people felt too attached to Katrina, even people who supposedly “hated her” or claimed she is “using Sam” got used to her just being there and being Sam’s gf that i fear they will never let that go (especially that if i am not wrong Katrina is still single) and every other Sam’s new gf will be compared to Katrina and hated by the fandom, because for them “Katrina and Sam are clearly MADE for each other 😣”. I mean some people still act like she is Sam’s gf or like she is meant to come back, because “it’s her place”. So in that matter i kinda pity Sam.

i mean… that's kinda how i feel tbh lol

(another ramble session from me, sorry in advance)

the sam and kat thing is very odd to me, especially when you see fans say "he'll never do better than her". first and foremost, i get being upset that they ended, sure. but saying that sounds gross to me for some reason. like i think you can lift up kat and say she's gonna have a good life without him and will eventually find love without saying that he somehow is never gonna be happy again. that type of behavior and thought process is so childish. it's not like he was abusive, he broke up with her bc he just couldn't marry her and making her wait even longer would have been worse for their relationship.

while it's clear they aren't on the best of terms anymore, i think hating him (or her, bc god knows she gets hate too) is just weird. you don't have to hate either of them. their relationship didn't end in flames or bc they hate each other. you don't have to make it a versus all the time. there is no winner in this outcome.

as for katelyn and malia… the issue is messy. personally, i think both girls got the short end of the stick. they both got a crazy amount of hate (and malia still does) and i expected part of that to happen eventually when colby got a gf, but i think bc kat wasn't with sam anymore, it became like a shit storm instantly since it wasn't just colby getting a gf.

katelyn had so many lies spread about her in relation to kat it's not even funny. ppl were claiming they were friends before and thus she took sam from her (not true at all. they did possibly follow one another before hand, but their only connection was tess, who wasn't exactly bffls with kat). ppl claimed katelyn talked badly about kat, even tho all the clips i've seen have been not even remotely noteworthy, let alone something to throw hate at her for. i kinda think the reason why katelyn got a lot of hate is bc, as i've said countless times before on here, this fandom has an inability to critique sam. they will do everything in their power to not give him hell even tho they do it all the time to colby. so i weirdly think that bc this fandom couldn't be mad at sam for moving on too quickly from kat or for seemingly """replacing""" her, they chose katelyn to take their anger out on. but even that eventually wore itself thin and for the first time, i actually saw ppl genuinely hate on sam the same way they do colby. which was both refreshing and depressing all at the same time lol

i also think katelyn is just weird enough to be annoying to a lot of ppl, and bc of that, immediately she sucks. i obviously don't feel that way about her, but i can get why some wouldn't love her. in addition, i think she tried a bit too hard to be liked in this fandom and that drove ppl nuts. and she introduced colby to malia, which means she was public enemy #1 for a lot ppl. i mean, i literally heard someone full on dox her during a space on twitter and then call her a whore just bc she's dating sam. while the fandom wasn't in love with kat the moment they met her, they never went this far.

as for malia, i've seen some truly heinous shit said about her. like i'm talking fake dms with nudes (that obviously weren't hers), cheating allegations, fans making fun of her filler and boob job, fans calling her a whore and a slut for merely wanting to show off her body, she has no personality (even tho we've never even heard her speak so…. explain how you just know that), colby chose her over shea (which is just not true at all), the list goes on and on. i think the hate for her has calmed down a lot bc i think 1, she never tries to talk to fans except the occasional reply on a TikTok comment. i honestly think her not trying to befriend the fandom has worked out for her a lot more than katelyn's attempt at being our bestie. and 2, i think that bc colby shows her off (in a way that sam never did katelyn) we can see that colby is happy with malia. unless you're a hater; then bc they pose too much in pictures or *checks notes* never smile with one another that means they are faking it.

i do feel for sam, in a way, too. the thing is, i think out of the two of them, sam is the one that will speak up against the fandom, and he needs to do that. he needs to tell fans to chill the fuck out when it comes to his future significant others. like we cannot have a repeat next time he dates someone. it's just not gonna work out. but i also feel as if snc aren't gonna do that. i love them dearly, and idk who is in their ear telling them to do this (whether it be management or themselves) but them not sticking up for themselves or their gfs rubs me the wrong way. bc that's how you get a fandom like this that thinks hating on their gfs/themselves for a year straight is somehow okay. and god knows if i was dating one of them long term and they were just telling me to ignore the hate or not use an entire social media platform bc that's were a majority the hate was on… i would be going nuclear lol

like, it's either you tell your fans to calm down or i do. and since they ain't my fans, i don't have to be nice to them. so… pick your poison.

[ghostiebopper]

how my writing has evolved; what i'm writing now

ive grown a lot as a person this year. i've learned how to use boundaries and what i want to learn from and expect from other people...but how does that affect my writing? what have i learned? and why have my characters changed so much?

what am i working on?

well...

for context, let's expand a bit on what my writing typically entails.

i write as a hobby, for my own characters, and i've written them in many scenarios, in many genres, and have over 11gb of content for them that is only in written word. i have more content for them that's drawn (by me), commissioned, etc. but it does not nearly amount to even half of what i've actually written for them.

now, it's worth mentioning, at this point, that:

im not done this journey

my characters are not nearly the same that they were merely months ago, much less a year ago.

generally, my writing focuses on two of my characters (although I have many!). this is usually marion (trans male, he/him, which i will explain in a later post bc i have pretty specific reasons for this. not that trans people need to be justified.) and luca (cis male, he/him)

why them?

i love them. i love their relationship. i want that, too! but, also, i feel like their struggles reflect my own in some ways. they are me...in a way, at least.

this is my outlet to explore things that i cannot access myself. relationships (friendship, romance, etc), scenarios (you ever wanted to be, like, a fairy? or...have magic powers? yeah. me too.) but i feel that in recent scenarios i also am more closely examining the interpersonal relationships between my characters, and their specific characteristics.

they're like this, but why? what made them that way?

why do these people love each other? why do these people hate each other? will that change?

why does this happen? does that have a point to it? is this gratuitous?

what's my end goal?

i think before, i wrote rather aimlessly. if i had goals, they were not very broad. i wanted cute dialogue, cute scenarios, maybe some drama...(although, i have written some extremely dark, depressing content, admittedly.)

right now, though, i'm more thoughtful about what i'm putting down, and why it's necessary. what it's contributing.

sometimes "oh, that's cute" is good enough. but it's usually a little deeper than that...

i think more in general.

"why does that person do that?"

"why do i hate that?"

"why do i like that?"

"is there a point to xyz?"

"what do i need to do right now?"

"what needs to change?"

etc.

my writing feels a lot more fulfilling, lately. i do not have to justify all my thoughts or actions, but i feel like i'm able to understand both my own writing and myself better, and feel more confident in how things end up, when things are able to come full circle...sometimes things still end up running away from me. but i don't feel the same "okay, i dunno how to deal with this anymore, i'm giving up now!" and now it's "well, we'll come back to that." which is...pretty big!

currently i'm working on...a couple of things.

the biggest one is a story about...politics, sort of?

luca is the son (and only male heir) of, more or less, a dictator.

forrest (luca's father) is the king of the land and, after being humiliated by the queen of the elven race in the lands that his family has sought after for ages, one day decides to pretty much take them when he has the opportunity (which is a whole story in itself.)

there's nothing to lose, exactly, by not doing so—but there's a lot to take, still. and after what the queen did? he's pissed. so he does some...pretty horrible stuff! and it's not justified, at all.

but it also serves a story goal. which...i will touch on. later.

marion is the son of the elven queen who ends up being taken from his home and pretty exploited. he's trapped, stripped of his magical powers, and nobody has any respect for who or what he is...except luca.

it's NOT a story of "love at first sight" or whatever. luca sees what his father did, he knows it's wrong, and the first thing he does (when he sees a chance, and has made up his mind, at least) is to go to marion and tell him (nervous, because he's never really gone against his father, but his morals are stronger than his loyalty to his father) "i want to fix this. eventually. but it won't be immediate."

it's worth noting that the document is not in a state i feel comfortable letting other people read in it's entirety, though it currently stands at about 83 pages. there's...so much missing. so much still in my head.

regardless. there are several key points i've been trying to keep in mind while writing this

i do not think this will necessarily be "happily forever after", because...what will that make luca's promise? he's being sincere, and he has the intention of following through. that never changes. they will probably part in the end. but that doesn't mean that that's a bad ending, necessarily, or that the story isn't worth being written/reading.

they do fall in love. but they probably wouldnt if they werent stuck in the situation they are in. that said, it's not a "stolkholm syndrome" kind of situation, either. they are both in a bad situation, where luca's father has pressure against him mounting as luca continues to grow a spine, and marion is stuck in a place that is extremely suffocating. it's...a lot more complicated than that, but let's just put it that way. that said—they come to find comfort in one another, although it is absolutely not immediate.

marion is constantly trying to push luca's button's in the beginning, for one thing. he hates this man. he doesn't know him. why is this person kind to him? he wants to see him snap. he wants to see him suffer. MARION is suffering.

luca is doing his best to juggle things and stand by his own principals as best as he can without the changes he intends to make becoming obvious—because just his promise to marion is absolutely huge, and it will have huge repercussions on pretty much literally everything. if his father knew? there's no way he'd allow him to succeed the throne. so they have to keep quiet. and this list of things luca eventually wants to do as king only grows. it's becoming more uncomfortable as he realizes he truly cares about marion and wants to keep him safe, and he ends up more and more at odds with the person he realizes his father is. forrest hates this, too, because his son used to be obedient, and...um...it gets...heated...eventually.

this except below is from pretty far in!

to say the least.

now, you may be thinking, "okay...but if his dad's that big of a piece of shit, why is luca different?"

remember how i said the story is missing a lot? i have reasons. it's very related to his childhood and upbringing, and the kind of person his mother is. but i havent ironed out all the specifics yet. maybe some people are born with good hearts. but i think it really needs to go deeper than that, when you're raised at least near a maniac like luca's dad.

it's important to note: forrest is kind to his children. or he was...until they started to voice their own opinions. his daughters are safe. they have no expectations beyond "okay, well, get married or whatever" cuz..this takes place like, hundreds of years ago. im sorry im using some historical/societal expectations to fit my narrative but. uh...anyway. luca learned early on that he needs to keep that kind of thing to himself.

a little more on luca: he basically didnt let himself get angry for a long time. so when marion comes in, and so much injustice is absolutely blatant, and he comes to care for him, personally? he can't hold it back anymore, but he also doesn't really know what to do with it. how do you navigate when your father has the kind of power that luca's father does? luca is the crown prince, but he is a pawn.

and when he can't control it anymore, when he can't still be the person who's known for being so loyal, and so well-mannered? when a man in his position needs to keep things calm, to protect the person he cares about? when he could have just cost them both so much by giving in to fleeting anger? (the below excerpt doesnt go into that specifically...yet.)

he feels absolutely wrecked.

he throws up in a bush after that lmao

anyway! this story has a lot of...political implications. and it's not very straightforward, because due to that, i need to keep in mind that things will have a ripple effect.

luca is able to, for a while, get them out. but he can't avoid the things his father does forever. and at some point, he ends up being forced to be complicit in some things, and that really messes him up. i havent written that part yet, because it will require a lot of balance and be pretty rough. i want luca to be a good person, but i wonder if that's going to be feasible in the end. i want him and marion to part on good terms, but will that be possible, either?

there's...a lot to consider. and i need to do some historical research on war/politics. luca's role is not entirely clear due to the rather unclear information i have on the role of a crown prince in the government

luca's story is a lot clearer because it's a little more personal. but also, marion's arc really comes in later. he has to learn how to cope, how to hold his tongue and not throw fists. but he will eventually return home and have to learn his place again, if he even has one at that point. because luca does fulfill his promise, but...marion's home has changed so much when he finally is able to return. they've had to learn how to function without a true ruler, under forrest's reign, after a war to suppress their people and their people's magical abilities. they dont know or trust marion when he returns, because as far as they know, marion just went along with everything wholeheartedly. marion and luca do end up having 2 children. how is that supposed to look like opposition in any way?

there's like 50,000 things going on. it's not nearly finished.

alright. thats where im ending this. im so tired

peace

[ingo-ingoing-ingone]

Many apologies for ignoring your wishes but I’d rather remain anonymous than people knowing what I think but after reading the Ghostmet ABYS thing all I could think of is the moment Ingo returns probably with a good amount of memories returning and then having to come to terms with the fact that he became un-conjoined and at the same time losing his brother. And Ghostmet finding him (or firstly don’t find Ingo when he dies)

I do love the concept of ABYS a lot but the medical stuff hit home too hard and even the bits of Ingo’s side felt too depressing for me to continue. I’ve come to terms of never knowing the conclusion but I still love these two and this AU so much and until the point I stopped you had such a great and respectful and heartfelt way of the situation and you deserve all the praise you’ve been getting.

I just wanted to throw this perspective out since personally I believe that would be the most heartbreaking things to be tackled.

But in the end it’s up to what the majority wants… I’ll be trying it out if I can handle the fics once they’re out

thank you for putting up with this ask.

Hi Anon! It's okay, I don't mind the ask too much :)

It's kinda funny you say that bc while it obviously goes differently, the scenario you offer up actually is going to be touched on in canon ABYS. IT GOES DIFFERENTLY but at the time the CHARACTERS do not know this :)

I appreciate your kind comments, and while I am sorry you couldn't continue with the story, I'm glad you did what was best for you!

I will say, once there is a reunion I plan on writing up a recap for those who wanted to skip the medical/separated timeline chapters. If you would like, you can still read the conclusion because there will be a lot more fic even after the reunion! I wanna write the recovery too! And it won't be medical focused :)

So if that sounds good to you, I'll get there eventually!! There's no issue with skipping the hurt to get to the comfort, I plan on making that option as accessible as possible

Thank you for the perspective!! I appreciate it a lot!

[aewrie]

rambling about grimm hcs/au lore. and i mean rambling

my hc is that grimm adores kids & cares about them a lot, and i will die on that hill. like, if he were a regular guy with regular guy aspirations he'd love to be a kindergarten teacher. or run an art/craft club or such. something where he'd get to he'd get to spent time with kids, and encourage them to be creative and weird.

he doesn't hand grimmchild over to the summoner because he doesn't care, but because it's a necessary part of the ritual; the rare occasion where things do go wrong aside, he knows it's for the better, for the child to travel with the summoner. it allows him to rest before he burns (something he desperately needs, because once the child is in the picture, he is actively dying). it allows the child to experience things and grow beyond the scope of the troupe.

he is so protective of his child. yes, it is his reincarnation, but even if it wasn't, he would be. he was ready to die for the child when he did not realize what it was, when he did not want to be responsible for any child at all and was freaking out about the whole thing until he got too depressed about it to be freaking out. he was miserable, had nothing to gain from the situation as far as he knew, and the #1 priority was still the child.

(though, once he knew, and especially once he had trauma related reasons to be extra vigilant? yeah he might have overreacted to some truly, really, genuinely not-a-big-deal situations a few times.)

also, if an actual child did show up for his ritual somehow, he'd rather burn himself alive than go through with it. he can improvise with the ritual when circumstances are less-than-ideal and he cannot find a replacement summoner on short order, though it's not fun for anyone involved. least of all him. the course of action he would take is to find a home/caretaker for the child, gather what flames he can with the troupe's assistance, and torch himself. very much preferably in that order, so the kid wouldn't need to deal with him dying and whatnot; it is not a pretty thing to witness, even indirectly, and he will need more of an adjustment period after. not the best time to be dealing with a stray child.

just, him going up against a child (combat prodigy or not) for his own gain does not fit into the picture at all.

(i started this typing this whole thing bc i realized this specifically is a part of why child ghost bothers me so much lmao. and then i started going off on tangents)

(maybe he did do a double-take when someone tiny waltzed in, but i also think a great amount of variety in size depending on species just makes sense for bug people. and canon does have that kind of variety, too! regular mortal adults range from sly to old stag wait i forgot about bardoon he's the hugest actually, kids from millybug to marmu (these two are spirits but the sizes appear to reflect what their physical bodies were, given we have markoth and galien with actual corpses to compare to). it'd be really awkward and rude to assume shit based on size alone, i feel, if you can't clearly tell based on other features.)

grimm would also be very interested in an explanation as to how and why a child came his way in the first place.

basic rundown: there's these bugs who live apart from the troupe, keeping watch for dying kingdoms and potential summoners. the bug we dreamnail in the cave? was supposed to choose a summoner from amongst survivors, travelers, what have you. it would have been their job to set up and to light the lantern; and also to explain the task at hand and to guide the summoner to the troupe. from there, grimm handles things. alas, the bug died before they could fulfill their duty. good thing ghost had the dreamnail.

speaking of: if the dreamnail is a moth artefact associated with radiance only, it makes no sense for grimm to rely on it for his ritual. he either would have to have alternative means to achieve the same effect that all summoners can utilize, or do something else by default. in my version, no dreamnailing required. when things go as planned, at least.

when the ritual nears its end, conventionally, the nightmare king will find the summoner in their sleep, not the other way around. individuals with unusual skills or tools to reach dreams exist, thought they are rare. so while it was a surprise, it wasn't too odd for ghost to just pop in unexpectedly rather than being 'invited' (read: the nightmare king has found you! now it's time for the asskicking).

the summoner will be allowed into grimm's chambers, because the proximity makes things easier, but that's optional. not everyone can easily fall asleep when he's right there. some manage, and then wake up when they get trounced, and cannot relax again until they get some distance to grimm.

[mifhortunach]

wrt lrb, just bc i felt weird leaving my thoughts all in the tags of that other post, this goes on for ages, sorry—

anyway, agree w op wholeheartedly! there’s no argument being made, there’s no apocryphal stuff being 'corrected'; it’s a run through of the guys life. as w most biogs, unless it’s something you’re already into, you won’t get too much out of it necessarily, but it’s a breeze to read, and it really really does have his voice. i did genuinely like it a lot!

that said, still managed to make me feel the same way i often do with these things. the stuff that’s being elided & eluded is much more juicy than anything that really gets put down lmao— kaylan seems to have a tendency to like, imply or state that he felt a way about something, but then refuse to actually get into that at all? eg, he says that he spent a lot of time by himself as a kid, and much much later says that he kinda projected parental/paternal roles[1] on a couple of guys who managed them (as the turtles) or worked with him (zappa) etc//, but beyond that it's not a text that explores that really - imo at least

as op says that you get a good idea of what he’s like — “smart, a bit obnoxious” etc — which is true!! it reads like you’re literally talking to the guy. but, i also kinda began to run into the idea that he’s not necessarily the most emotionally self-aware (or wasnt), and that he’s probs a lot moodier (or at least used to be) than he’s really talking about.

(eg; the repetition of ‘i was confused’ throughout, esp wrt some of his relationships, or the vague references to points of depression; tho tbf! those are very career focused, lol.) (throughout he also repeats, “i was an asshole.” or “what a jerk!”, which feels very like.. a little, bruh-off-y, like acknowledging so that you can move on, but i ended up reading in one interview/review where he was basically like, ‘yeah, i hadn’t gone thru those diaries since then, and all those refrains are sincere! id forgotten what a dickhead i was’—idk, interesting)

dude also cried a fair bit

i actually ended up reading it in part bc i ran into old forum threads about it, which themselves mentioned how he talks about volman - or more accurately he **doesnt** talk about volman - despite the working together for the majority of the last 50yrs (i was kinda expecting him to be mentioned less actually, given how down they were about it, lol). it is funny how he’s almost always there on the periphery, or literally working with the guy!, but beyond the relatively objective there’s not too much mention. i do think that people often romanticise that aspect of being in a band: the intense relationships & dyke drama of it all, (where’s that insane ed robinson quote when you need it….)[^2] forgetting that ultimately a lot of the time that all ends up being boiled away to coworkerdom[^3] ( :/ )

enjoyable read tho!! will leave you impressed with how many marriages he managed to get through, as well as the sheer amount of name-dropping, but i can’t help but look forward to when someone puts out something more cutting in like 20yrs, or if the diaries ever get published posthumously 🤷‍♀️

---------------

gets mentioned in this interview too ↩︎ 

ed bnl has the wildest quote about stevie p, in an interview i can't find (around the time of the divorce, lol), basically saying that 'you've not in a band, you just wouldnt get it'

seems a little chilly between them ngl, not /bad/ necessarily but yk - from the forums: (x) (x) - there's also a bit in the 90s where kaylan moves out of california, & mentions that volman's wife supposedly rang him & basically was like, 'dude's not happy with you', so idk

4. just including this bc i've been calling them, 'the litigious turtles' in my head all week, but check out the fuckin copyright page on it, omfg

[nathank77]

5/20/24

5:30 Added to/Edited I hope I don't have weird tactile hallucinations attached to mental pictures tonight- I got to take my xanax in a few minutes and get ready for bed.

It just occurred me as stupid as it sounds that as I have gotten older so have both of my parents. When I called the ER. They asked me to ballpark her age and I said 50 something. Come to find out she's actually like 61 or 62 idk. My dad is like 56 or something maybe 57. He was born in 67 and she was born in 63.

I mean as you age and your life is hard and you focus on you, you forget that everyone else is aging too. My mom may make it to 70 but she isn't going to make it to 80...

My dad will probably make it to 80 or 90 bc he is healthy...

I don't spend enough time with either of them. I know I have time and they aren't dead yet but my mother has such limited time. And I'm mean to her so often.

I am only mean bc she's drunk and mean to me. I'm short with her and aggravated and just thinking I could only have 8 more years with her I can't cope with her death.

I can't even cope with the fact that my dad reached out a hand and I can't be around bc of psychosis and he has much more time to live.

All I can do is try to spend one day a week with my mother if she doesn't stop drinking. If she stops drinking I'm going to be overly involved with her. I just don't see that happening.

It's depressing cause I can only do so much with my ocd the limitations I face and she has to clean up after me. I couldn't even hug her yesterday or the day before bc of my ocd and she had blood on her arm and I just couldn't and i hate myself for it but I can't deal with it. My ocd makes my life feel like it's on fire at all times and like I'm one move away from catching like hepatitis c or something....

I got to process this in therapy and somehow start coping with her dying before she dies cause she's going to be okay and then go downhill like a flash of a light... and if I don't spend time with her now it's going to be too late.

It's so hard with psychosis especially with my father cause I actually have to leave the house and be surrounded by people at all times and act totally normal like the hallucination isn't killing me constantly.

I'm trying to put this to bed before I go to bed cause like she's not going to be around for much longer even if we get another decade cause of her drinking and smoking.

I resent her but I also love her so much that the thought of her dying. I'm going to go into a severe depression. I can kinda see it unfortunately bc of psychosis and its like I know it's not too late and that's a good thing. I have time with both of them...

But if I don't actually act now- it will be too late and I can cope with it when I think about how she treated me but at the same time I can't. Cause like I know she's a good person who is severely damaged.

Trying to be around her once a week if she never changes her drinking which I expect is self sacrifice but it's also necessary...

Being around my dad is hard especially after today... and I still don't know what to do about Mark... cause I mean for my dad it's a sign of respect..... but for me it's disrespecting myself and my needs.

One thing at a time though, I'm more concerned about my mother atm. Although he is on my mind bc money holds me back and the amount of people I have to be around to be there.

I got to be the cool brother and when I go there I spend all my time with my brothers and sister bc I never see them... and I don't even spend time with dad and Lori.

I have time and I can do something about it. But I have to act with my mother now. If I don't I won't be able to cope with her death...

The only good thing psychosis did for me was when I was highly delusional... it was commanding me to hug my mom, look her in the eyes and tell her I love her. And hold her hand and just talk to her. I thought the cops were watching me bc Lori heard my thought, "briannas pussy tree." And they wanted to detain me for being a like a pedophile. The cops were proving I was telepathic and were watching me with cameras and this is def a flashback atm... but the only positive thing about it is all the commands were be nice to your mom. Hug her. Look her in her eyes and tell her you love her. And even though I did bc the auditory hallucination told me to and it was all for the wrong reasons. I still made deep eye contact with her and told her I loved her like 40 times and hugged her and held her hand.

So many times she asks me to hug her or hold her hand and I can't bc of my ocd. I want to but I can't cause I don't want to wash my hands... or get Contaminated...

When I wanted psychosis to drop my deadname I was trying to barter with it when it was more intelligent and I said just say my mother's a drunk. And the voice said it was too mean bc it's psychosis and she's going to die and it doesn't want to traumatize me like that. That I can cope with my deadname but when my mother dies I'll remember the voice if it isnt still a thing saying that. It wouldn't go there. It was completely unwilling to say your mom's a drunk. It actually said when she dies it will traumatize you that I said that and I'm not going to do it. That's how you know it's psychosis cause schizophrenia would have went for that and nala and keeki and everything..

The voice also always says, you love your mom so much, I'm psychosis that's why I told you to hug her and tell her you love her.

The problem is psychosis prevents me from not feeling like my life is constantly on fire and so does ocd. And I can comfort myself years from now that I didn't hug her and hold her hand bc of my ocd and I didn't spend time with her bc of her alcoholism.. but I have to do something before it's too late.

Time is so valuable. It passes so quickly and so slowly at the same time and then you realize you let years go by. Years are gone and you won't get them back.

I still have time. However I think what if she dies and I still hear this voice. It will make it so much worse. Or what if it stops and when she dies it comes back bc of the severe depression I'll likely go into... especially if I don't spend more time with her now but even still...

I want to cry cause psychosis and ocd have taken my life and autonomy away. It's taken my peace away and I still have time but it feels like an excuse but it isn't. I'm truly suffering..

My mother is withering away and my time to spend with her is withering away. My time with my dad is withering away. And I mean idk. Idk how to cope with just the thought and then I go okay ill spend more time with her now. And it makes me feel better but at the same time I can't get that time back.

And what about Dad? Do I self sacrifice to appease him? I see my dad like 5 times a year. And it's hard for me to get there. Idk.

God I wish this didn't all hit me right now. It wasn't even the voice.

I was watching family guy and seeing the old guy Herbert beat up another guy and I was thinking about my mother and her age and I realized she isn't going to make it to old age. I can't see her making it to 80.

My brain is like a constant fire. My life is like fire all around me. My mom gives me so much anxiety. My dad gives me a different kind of anxiety. And I want to be more involved but my mental health is so vulnerable. My mother isn't healthy to be around. But not being around her isn't healthy either cause I won't be able to cope....

My dad is more healthy to be around but hearing him on the phone today not much has changed. He expects me to sacrifice bc mark just disagreed with me but he disagreed with everything I am. My entire existence.

So idk. I got to try to laugh or something and remind myself I have time. I have therapy tomorrow. I'm going to try to be nicer to my mother cause I know she isn't going to change i want her to but I know she isn't. I'm going to try to hug her more and hold her hand more. It's just hard to be like now I got to wash my hands.

I remember on Christmas when I had covid and so did she I couldn't go to my dad's house and we played cards all day and we sang Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.. and I started hysterically crying and I hugged her bc it reminded me of my childhood us singing together. I want to go to dance classes with her and sing with her more and spend more time with her. I'm going to only go to my dad's on Christmas eve and spend Christmas with my mother every year. I used to go to my dad's both days. Once I got covid that was the last year I went to my dads on Christmas. I chose to spend Christmas with her last year so she didn't spend it all alone. And I'm going to keep doing that.

Yet her words cut like a knife. But it's what I want to do. Seeing her sober and how different she is it's like I want that version of you so badly. I can forgive you. Bc that's the real you. I want the real you.

I wish I had someone to talk to. I'll go see my mom after therapy tomorrow she's still vomiting. I don't think she's coming home tomorrow/today.

I still have time. Idk what to do about Dad with mark or with our time and my limitations bc of the distance and money. I don't want to go. Yet now I kinda feel like I have to...

I know what to do with my mom. Spend more time with her before it's too late. Cause it could only be 8 more years.

Just thinking she could have ruptured an organ and died on the floor Friday. It haunts me and I was 3 states over. I can't stop her from drinking and killing herself but I can spend more time with her before it's too late. She doesn't even remember the fall still. I wish I hadn't went to new Hampshire. All that matters is she is okay. And I still have time.

Time is something we all take for granted. It disappears and if we waste it, we lose so much and somehow I have to use my time to be there for both my parents and for me. But for them bc I love them both so much. But I also have to consider my mental health, I'm very vulnerable.

[knwbetter]

day 4 since i stopped talking to him: i've been having thoughts of replying back to him. should i? i don't want to seem desperate and needy. does he even still want to talk to me? he hasn't messaged me for 4 days now, why would he even want to hear from me? this just proves how much he didn't really want me in the first place? i should know these things by now but i'm still so hurt over it. i still can't wrap my head around it, that he could just betray and forget me like that. like nothing ever happened between us. was he really just toying with me? but why? so i can stroke his ego? i'll never know what he wanted from me but i can't believe someone would be willing to waste all that time just to serve their ego. maybe he is a narcissist after all. nonetheless, i hate how i've been dying to talk to him today. i have to say that i miss him so much even if he did me so dirty. what does that say about me? i'm just a girl with feelings and he made me feel so special and that he truly wanted me but now i know it was all a lie. despite knowing all that i still want him, right now at least. i wish we could talk like we used to and get that feeling of happiness again. i feel so fucking depressed rn and i just want to k*ll myself. mom's not making things any better by not supporting me but i really gotta move or else nothing's going to happen to me. i hate how my life is going rn. i just want to disappear tbh. i digress, but i've been thinking of him a lot today and i keep wanting to talk to him. but it looks like he has nothing to say to me. if he truly wanted me, he wouldn't be doing this to me. i felt him pulling away, i'm not dumb. girls know these things. you can't fool us! every time i think of him, i feel like bawling my eyes but i also can't at the same time. eyes feel heavy with exhaustion and sadness. all i know for sure is that i miss him. it feels very lonely each day without him. and i remember him saying he's made his peace with being lonely, i wonder if he really meant that. he continued with "but having somebody doesn't sound so bad". was he only spouting lies to me? did i really deserve that? i haven't harmed anybody that would warrant me to deserve this kind of harsh treatment. i only ever supported him and was there for him every moment i could. so this is how he repays my affections for him? by pulling away and ignoring me like i never entered his life. how could he forget me so easily? am i really that despicable? uncapable of being liked? did my appearance seriously turn him off that much? bc i noticed he started acting off after i sent my pictures, which he so desperately requested even if he said he respected my decision not to and that i shouldn't be burdened by it. was playing innocent his tactic so that i would feel guilty and give in? well now he got what he wanted and i guess the outcome didn't meet his standards. that should make me hate him but i can't help but miss him even if it's the last thing i should do. i need to forget him even if i miss talking to him. i've become so used to his presence in my life that it feels like i've lost someone. how could he spend that amount of time talking to me and making me feel special just to throw me away like that? i can't fathom it at all, it's too much. i wish he would just come back to me and maybe i'll forgive him and we'll go back to like how it was. i deserve better but i undeniably miss him.

[lovelovex]

no x posts no announcements, kind rude p don’t you think cutting such a big amount of people who CARE about you guys is too much??? it is hard to keep up with all your updates via fucking RUMORS of all things for fucks sake

oh we’re right off w the accusations ok ok ok sometimes i hate being the spokesperson, P the diplomat, but here we go

i’m gonna use this post for the whole rant bc it’s all p much the same in my inbox:

if ‘rumors’ have been your only source of information for the past i dont rly rmbr how many months honey that’s intentional

sometime in july, before i made that post ab the healing process, we sat down and went thru every email subscribed to our mailing list, every account in every gc we used to have, decided fuck it and created all the new ones, rmbr when we had like 500+ members in one of them? well that’s not happening ever again, outsiders aren’t allowed anymore

did it hurt your feelings being left out?

well it hurt my feelings to find out how many of you were actually involved in the case behind my back, how many of you knew exactly what was happening in those two years and stayed silent or worse – chose to side w the person who wanted to take everything he could away from me

not just me, my friends, my family, the ppl i love more than anything else in this world, have suffered enormously bc of His actions and bc of Your support of those actions

i know exactly who you all are, i have a list of names i dont want to hear ever again in my life

the damage you’ve done is irreparable, and it’s beyond my imagination how any of you still feel entitled to anything, did you rly think i’d never find out? i thought it was common knowledge i always find out one way or another

we’re all grown up ppl, and it’s not my place to tell you who you can or cannot talk to, you’ve made your choices and we’ve made ours, and if you ended up on the outside of the circle, welcome to consequences 101, your actions actually do have an impact, what a concept

the case played a big part in the whole thing, but we’re way past that now, and the thing is – the real reason behind ‘cutting out such a big amount of ppl’ is we’re tired, the better part of our lives was dedicated solely to creating a safe space, and we did, only to realize we’re our own safe space, it’s the ppl, so the shows are still happening, the karaoke nights and the acoustic sessions, i say my thank yous from the stage and in emotional voice msgs at 3am bc my god do i love our space, my little sanity oasis, that part hasn’t and will never change

what changed is that we don’t have to subject ourselves to scrutiny, to any form of judgement anymore rly, what they dont know they can’t ruin i rmbr a post like this somewhere on this blog, i dont have to read your thoughts on every single detail of every single move we make, i only hear opinions from those ppl i actually want to listen to, and no, i dont only surround myself w yes men now, if i do smth wrong i still get called out, rightfully so

what i’m mostly tired of is those half-assed friendships, of ppl who only wanted me smiling and shiny, who would disappear the second things got a bit depressing, i dont know who hurt you, but it wasn’t me, or maybe it was, in that case that’s on you if you never had the guts to open your mouth and actually say smth

yk i’ve had to say so many goodbyes in the last two years, i’ll say some more if it comes to this, i’m getting better at letting ppl come and go, but i could never tolerate indifference or betrayal, and i’ve had enough of both of these things

you can still go off in my inbox, let it all out, i can’t rly stop you, just know it doesn’t make any difference to me

[ahamkara-apologist]

100%. It's also worth noting that Eramis's grudge with the Traveler and her intent to destroy it wasn't even entirely irrational; she wanted it gone so that people's fates weren't dependent on the whims of gods. She wanted to level the playing fields, and while she was wrong in her assumption that it was the Traveler leaving that led to the destruction of Riis, she also...wasn't entirely wrong, either. Humanity is the only instance where the Traveler stayed and fought back, and we're the only species assailed by the Black Fleet that got to keep our homeworld as a result. We're not any more worthy than the other species that were eradicated we just happened to get lucky. Eramis (and the rest of the Eliksni) have every right to be furious at this, given the amount of horrors that they had to endure on the Drift to get to Sol- horrors that are so bad that in the opening mission of Revenant, Eramis uses the Drift the same way that we would use 'hell' when she roared "Stand before me if you dare! I'll send you back to the Drift again and again!"

Eramis's goal, while foolish, was still selfless, to an extent- it was to destroy the Traveler so that nobody could ever suffer from a second Whirlwind, which, despite everything, did include us as well. She's never liked humanity, much less the Young Wolf, but she's also never given off the vibe of her hatred for us being personal. She genuinely seemed to have thought that we were being treated like pawns by the Traveler in Beyond Light, and, as soon as she unthawed in Plunder and realized that she was the one being used as a pawn, she warmed up to the idea of double-crossing the Witness right quick. I don't remember exactly when she said it, but I do recall hearing her have dialogue where she was talking about how much she hates gods in general, not just the Traveler, and how she wants to be free of them- all of them. If that means giving over the reigns to House Light, then yes, she will do that. Not willingly, ofc, and she has every right to be suspicious about how well House Light will work bc they ARE under the yoke of the Last City, but a big chunk of why she saved Eido in Plunder is bc she sees the future in her (the rest of it was bc, despite her posturing, I don't believe that Eramis would ever be able to stand by and watch a young Eliksni die. She's too much of a mom for that).

And that leads into a whole other thing that people always seem to get wrong: Eramis did not have a choice when it came to firing the warsats. Yes, the Witness exploited her, yes it was preying upon her grief and fury and depression like it did for everyone else it talked to, but she also never had any other option but to fire those missiles, because it was standing right there, staring at her. If she refused, then she likely would have either been killed and/or she would have been horribly punished via more of her people being turned into Scorn and then sent to do it themselves (likely this, bc Eramis is suicidal and does not value her own life). It SEEMED like she did it for Riis, and she likely believed that to be the case, but there was never an option for her to back away, and even if she did, there was never an alternative to the Warsats being fired. People like to bitch about her being the cause of Rasputin's death all the time and it drives me insane bc it's just flat-out not true. Her seeing for her own eyes that it never would have worked anyways was also a key pivotal moment for her character, so like...yeah if Rasputin had to die in order for Eramis and the rest of the Eliksni to get an actual storyline then you bet your ass I'm sending that man to eeby deeby. But that's just a side bit from me being salty (for the record I loved Rasputin's character and was sad he died but also I think the writers got themselves stuck in a corner with the whole Xivu thing and him, and they managed to make his death feel narrative impactful, so. works for me). Eramis's whole stint under the Witness was one of punishment, and the way that the Witness punished her was by forcing her to stand by and watch as her House- full of the people that she swore to protect- got either turned into Wrathborn or Scorn. Mara Fucking Sov confirmed that for us. Eramis had almost no agency under the Witness, and what little she did have, she turned towards helping us, knowing that if she got caught, the consequences would be extreme.

Honestly, I think that the only thing she really did horribly wrong on a personal level was opening the vex portal on her own people, but even then, that could be argued to have been done under duress. Eramis opened the portal after we killed her council (specifically with the intention of destabilizing her btw, as we know that she makes horrible decisions when she doesn't have anyone else to talk her down), in a last-ditch effort to destroy the Young Wolf. I don't count anything that happened under the Witness because nothing she did then could really be considered her own actions/intent, and I think it's really telling that the second she's out from under the Witness's control, her first action was to try to go home to her wife and kids. And then, when the Scorn started threatening her people, she gave that up as well so that she could call the Vanguard to help them. The Vanguard. The people who specifically sent out a strike team to kill all of her friends and break her House. She did all of this knowing that they would capture her and very likely kill her (actually, she's fully under the assumption that we're going to kill her, if you listen to her yapping in her cell), but that didn't matter to her. She had to get her people to safety, and she knew she couldn't do so herself, so she did everything she can to prevent that, even though it meant putting her life and her pride on the line. Sure, she's been suicidally depressed since Plunder, but that doesn't diminish the sacrifice she made in the slightest

Eramis was never selfish. She's right up there with Misraaks in terms of being an extremely selfless, caring leader who'd do anything for her people. It's just that she's not being nice about it to coddle to human empathy, which, given the track record of horrible shit that we've done to her people, we really shouldn't expect from her anyways.

I want everyone who continues to claim that Eramis was in line to be a disciple of the Witness to shut the fuck up and give me 500 dollars right the fuck now btw. These are not the words of someone who was en route to becoming a disciple, aka the most selfish entity of their entire race. These are the words of someone who genuinely does not think she has any worth left in her, but is still fighting because the alternative is that people she cares about will die. Literal opposite of selfishness right here