#bc he “wants his son to be A MAN!!!!!*TM*”

[areallyyellowmango]

Younger Steven and Mclooy Rudboys lore because they're my faves and I love them dearly

[oh-no-its-bird]

recently, i've started to see things where tobirama is reincarnated as sakura or is sakura's "inner", which is really interesting. could i get your take on this?

Unfortunatley I don't actually know much ab Sakura's inner! I learned naruto lore via fanfiction (never actually touched any canon media, oops) and have only actually read like 3 Sakura centric ones, I straight up didn't even know Sakura had a multiple personality(?) thing going for her till a few months ago (and boy wasn't that a surprise)

I think Tobirama being reincarnated as her could be p fun!! But also I think I'd be more interested in telling a story where he just straight up reincarnated as someone not existing in canon, if only bc then he could also interact WITH Sakura instead of just being her

I find that a lot of stories that try to give Sakura agency just kind of toss her entire character out the window and start from scratch, which is fun and valid! But it's more fun for me to make direct, uncomfortable eyecontact w canon her and find increasingly stupid or chaotic ways to fast track that whole "character development" thing or at least find ways to explain why she's Like That(tm)

So yeah I don't have toooo much interest in Tobirama reincarnating as specifically Sakura or her inner, but I could be into a story where he just reincarnates in proximity to her and then see how they bounce off of eachother. Maybe as a sibling? That could be cool

If he's born a girl we can zap em with the trans beam on top of the body dismorphia of suddenly being a whole child, that could be interesting. The blatant sexism of naruto canon could also make for an interesting plotline if we want to actually get into that

I kind of like the idea of him not actually remembering his previous life, at least not in full. Maybe he has weird dreams sometimes, maybe he looks at photos of the Nidaime and gets weird feelings of dejavu.

I suddenly have a very specific mental image of him getting a scar on his cheek, where one of his tattoos used to be, and just staring in a mirror afterwards at this super weird feeling of dejavu mixed w a sensation of it not being right mixed w just general body dismorphia and aw fuck why does he feel like he's both a little more right and further from himself than he's ever been?

Anyways would he be born younger or older than Sakura? Older brother him is just super overprotective, often suffering from nightmares of sensing as Sakura and some unnamed "other sibling" of his dies. It could also mean he can interact with Itachi actually, maybe they can be emotionally stunted baby genius friends or smthn

But younger sibling him could make for a surprisingly compelling parallel with Sakura and Hashirama! Especially w how Sakura later goes on to train with Tsunade n stuff

Part of me wants to say he's still names Tobirama for simplicitys sake, he can just be named after the Nidaime or smthn. But also that feels a bit cheap even if it is easier, so at least for now we'll name him Tora

Him and cat Tora can square off for name rights idk

Tora speaking oddly formally for a civilian, and having the kind of respect for your elders that come from being a second son in an elder run clan in ancient Japan. He has an awful time trying to form emotional attachments with people, including but especially his parents, who for some reason never really felt like his

But also him having a super easy time being attached to his new little sister Sakura, who he refuses to see anything bad happen to ever

So Tora and Sakura's parents being like suuper traditional, which is why Sakura is Like That when it comes to boys (she's constantly being told she needs to find a man to take care of her) Tora acts as a good figure and role model in her life, so while she's still interested in romance like canon she isn't AS boy crazy and can do a bit of thinking for herself.

And then we can get some fun conflict between Tora and his parents, who unfortunatley don't get the whole trans thing and constantly insist he needs to either drop the shinobi thing and find a husband, or if he does keep going at the shinobi thing, use it to find a husband there then drop it

Yeah he's not doing either of those things.

(they find out he's friends w the Uchiha clan heir and immediatley get weird about it, all glowing with pride that he's "attracting such good potential husbands" n stuff (Tora is PISSED))

Anyways Tora being just alarmingly good at literally any jutsu Tobirama invented. Like, ALARMINGLY good. He has that first life muscle memory, which unfortunatley is NOT a valid alibi and he's about to get his ass beat for seeming to have reverse engineered secret jutsus he shouldn't be able to know.

It isn't HIS fault that just glancing at the flying thunder god technique that one time was apparently enough for him to instinctively understand how to use it!!! Maybe this "Tobirama" guy should have just been better at making his jutsu harder to understand, this is clearly not his fault

He manages to help avoid the Uchiha massacre by being friends with Itachi, the two of them both graduating early and at the same ages, joining the same team and then ANBU together and so on.

Tora being really strong and graduating early and all that only further motivating Sakura to be a super strong shinobi, just like her big brother! Maybe she and Sasuke can even bond or have met earlier through Itachi and Tora's friendship.

Sakura and Sasuke childhood friends agreeing to try and graduate early together just like their older siblings. Not really into sasusaku but Ill say Sakura can keep her crush on him but be actually normal about it via exposure plus maybe some boy advice from Tora (he's a shinobi, so if you really want to charm him, you'll have to beat him first)

She can maybe lose it with time (and exposure to him being a dumb cringe fail kid w his brother still around) and maybe go kiss Ino idk

Anyways, Tora and Itachi friendship. Shisui is also there!! (Love that guy)

They're dynamic is just emotionally suppressed bastard (thinks hes better than you) + emotionally suppressed bastard (knows hes better than you) + upbeat guy smiling at you as he holds a gun to your head

Shisui and Tora take turns driving the car as Itachi sits in the back seat peacefully eating some applesauce (he's just happy to be here)

They're gonna blow up the hokage tower for the good of the people 👍

They're on an ANBU team w Kakashi and Tenzo and forget about going grey, they're gonna make Kakashi's hair straight up fall out from the stress

Maybe Tora can move out of his parents house the first chance he gets, and then whatever place he manages to find can be a little safe place for Itachi. Itachi accidentally ends up almost moving in w him as things at home get worse and worse w the coup. He just stays over more and more and doesn't want to return home

Circling back to the "Tora instinctivley knows how to navigate Tobirama's seals/techniques" the most terrifying point of the story is when he sees Naruto's jinchuriki seal and realizes he knows how to mess with it

Uh oh!! Shouldn't have that information!!

Anyways take some doodles

(Danzo is "that jackass who won't let me look at the nidaime's old research" and Tora has a GRUDGE.)

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

thought to myself u know what. i havent watched falsettos enough. so here's a couple things i noticed in my latest impromptu rewatch (rewatch number 52th probably?? 67th?) + just some nice bits n parallel that are always Good (tm):

"he loves another" "i agree" with ("-man") going unsaid

the chess games following trina's song about stupid men and their little games

"that's the king. please protect him" That's marvin saying "please protect me. don't hurt me"

whizzer moves the pieces randomly in the revival but i like to imagine he's actually beating marvin at the game in the end... and the whole thing was him pretending to not know how to play, and that hurt marvin's ego more than anything

"now marvin, bend" as a sexy moment but later gets re-framed as a "unwillingness to change perspective" moment

"nothing is everything to me / except sex / and money" in that money whizzer is playing to marvin's insecurity that he's only sticking with marvin for his money- is so needlessly cruel (and thus such... delicious character writing lol)

"and he loves me so" that "so" at the end is sort of a "loves me so much" but also a dare. he loves me, so what can you even do about that?"

"ask me if i love him, it depends on the day"// "do i love him?… no"

"son with a brain, and nice bright mother" showing mendel is like marvin (+ many, many men) and wants a wife half just to do domestic labor for him (goes well with the "washing your laundry, washing your socks!" line)

"he loves his father" // "i love things i never had"

"im everything he wanted" here trina finally realizes how she was such a insecure woman for such a long time and why she could put up with so much / settle for so little ("love me for what i am, not what i try to be" etc)

i love that "what ive done to you is rotten" is the slap to trina, is not taking to jason about his sexuality, and is Also telling trina and jason he "never ever, wanted to love" them. triple treat of bad parenting lol (but our man gets there in the end #bless him)

"a man kid, you'll be kid, whatever your song" the kind of reversed coming out metaphor of it all. ugh. so good!! (also i always cry at this bit bc... i will never have this with my parents :) rip haha whoops)

"pretty boys are in demand" just a good line for the whole gay men dying everywhere + the 'dating frenzy' energy of the era

"im not a giant man" /"good" // "one day i hope to be / as mature as my son who is 12 and a half / and this tall… that's all i want to be, that's all"

"we'll spent BILLIONS of dollars" and then the actual thing plays the way it does

"making the most pathetical errors" as a metaphor for marvin's arc���. making constant errors in love but making a homerun at the end

"should i take this new promotion OR should i take this IBM job?" is an amazing, anti-corporate lyric that fits greatly w/ the most explicitly political (likely authorial) song in the musical that, imho, shouldn't have been cut in the revival. in hindsight tho i imagine the revival people felt very proud and """progressive""" when they made that cut lol is very much a typical liberal move: "cant have true emancipation or revolutions but u cant have some \~upward mobility in the job market xoxo". also on the same vein, cutting the line "i'll change my life, and hire a maid" from the og "and fire the maid" like it's this huge feminist moment lol ughhhh hh

(other line-cuts that frustrate me… "it's queer, mr. marvin", "i could use a little drink" and "i just bought a family" . i feel w/ all of these they tooks some "edge" of the OG characters and kind of attempted to make them "nicer". but it really just makes them a little flatter, a little less real) ( and also some scenes just plain make less sense (marvin's drink line leading to his outburst)

(but bc it's not All Bad sdklfj in fairness, i belie the whole "why don't we tell him, that we don't have the awnsers? (…) this is the start to his becoming a man" bit - is SUCH a great part for mendel, it goes so hard and from what i remember is not in the original falsettos? correct me if im wrong but if it was a new addition in the revival, imo it's a huge improvement to the scene flow… and dare i say, brings the whole climax together, and spells out The Aesop for people who hadn't gotten it by the end of Act 2) -"let me go, im not ashamed to have loved you" // "what's the matter trina, darling, why cant you let go?" -"feel all right for the rest of your life" The Message of the play implicit in it.. "even if it's cut short"

"you save lives, and i serve chicken fat / i can't fucking deal wit hthat" / "maybe is not dumb the way this whole thing ends / the food tastes really yummy!"

"it's about growing up, getting older, living on a lover's shoulder" /"but i confess, you grow up, you get old, you hate less"

"the ground shifting, the rules keeps changing" and it's when the set changes for the first time!!! (/eats all my walls)

"isn't it enough i love you every night?" "who?" // "we had trouble parking, just like on our second date" "i hyperventilate"

"good men never fail" // "but i can't help but feeling i've failed " proving once again those machista lessons marvin learned when young were wrong.... it's clear that him showing weakness at that moment to whizzer was The Right Thing To Do. and what the moment called for.

"the last little mountain ill climb" sound of music ref? maybe?

i only wanted to love and not be blamed " // "who would i blame my life on?"

[veryinnovative]

James who everyone assumes must be hooking up with everyone because he is athletic and popular but is actually saving his Jirginity since he wants his first time to be with someone where they love each other

Regulus who would rather die than admit he is even capable of romantic feelings decides to try and seduce James

listen im in bed giggling losing ym shit over ‘jirginity’ it’s such an amazing word. im sleepy as fuck and more than willing to hornypost so lets GO

If there is one thing i love is just approaching charas from a new angle and i love the idea of sexgod proclaimed james potter just being a romantic guy who doesn’t want to be sexually intimate until marriage. it’s just such a reversal on him as a character and how he’s usually written so quite a new sandbox to play and toy in!!!!

I like the idea of that ‘quite liberal parents but a little bit more of a conservative son’ spin on him. NOT POLITICALLY!! But moreso… fleamont and effie got it down young and dirty during the 60s with the wave of sexual liberation and as open-minded and accepting james is, in this au we simply have him year for something a little more intimate and dream-like: a grand wedding, superb ceremonies, the limousine driving down the road with the rattle of empty cans roping behind. taking his spouse to a rose petal covered bedroom and have sex in one the most emotionally charged days of your life.

Thwn you have rat of a man regulus who doesnt think of marriage not even at 3 pm on a sunday afternoon lusting after the one man who won’t have sex and he has to find it out the hard way (literally)

TBH it is a decision he ends up respecting ofc and theyre together for a good 2+ years minimum before marriage and there have been Hiccups TM (‘accidental’ frotting) (regulus doing ungodly things to james’ thighs) (their phone plan being used for devious purposes)

the sleep is clawing onto my consciousness but the fic will 100% end up with james absolutely jackhammering this man into marital oblivion. There’s years of pentup horniness backed into those thrusts. James recalls every single moment he almost broke his personal oath right into regulus’ ear. Regulus has no Idea where the shyness went with Jirgin but possesses no brain power to think bc he’s being rawed through the mattress

[le-trash-prince]

This Love Doesn’t Have Long Beans Episode 7 Thoughts

Oab not even gonna comment on Kluer trying to kiss Plawan he’s just gonna get his man out of there

THE DRAMATIC FALL OF THE WHALE PLUSHIE SFJFJDD

I’ve said it before but I do not like Kluer. Too much Nice Guy TM energy for me. Just bc ppl smile and tell you all the things you want to hear does not mean they are good to be around

DID OAB JUST PULL HIS BACK SHFJF IM CHOKING

Plawan being upset about Khaosuay but still trying to be understanding towards Oab :(

Did Plawan get this muscle metaphor from JJ i bet he got this metaphor from JJ

Oh no they’re actually getting together before Plawan tells Oab about Methas OH THIS IS GONNA HURT

Plawan’s convenient odinsleep when Kluer tries to confess… me tbh

“Do you think Kluer will be really hurt?” *cuts to Kluer sobbing his heart out* don’t worry he’s a trooper i think he’ll be fine

I think this is my fave OabPlawan love scene so far, it’s so well choreographed and the framing is great… that pants drop was fantastic. Too bad it’s such a short scene

Methas’ fucking pouty face when he’s asking JJ to hold his hand

Ooooh JJ’s trying to draw a line, he’s caught feelings

HE CAN’T MEET METHAS EYES HE’S CAUGHT FEELINGS

oh my GOD THANK YOU DIRECTOR CINEMATOGRAPHER AND EDITING TEAM FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL SHOT OF METHAS HAND ON JJ’S ARM

You got a butt cramp Methas?? REALLY???

AHDJFJDJDJFJDJJFF

JJ ALMOST GAVE IN TO THE KISS ARGHDNFNFNF i knew it was gonna happen it was literally in the pilot but im HRRGGHDFBNFBG

LIES DOWN

IM FINE

Butterfly pea flower tea!!! Plawan’s presentation is so fucking cute

Punsib you were too good for all the hormones in this kitchen

Kluer this ain’t it man… just let it go son

NUB NUENG DON’T TELL OAB THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL you curse his house

Pad croquette??? I want…

“I never cry when you teach me” alexa play Teach Me Tonight by Dinah Washington 

It’s the way they started making out downstairs when Kluer is still living there and he’s the only one left… Kluer buddy if I were you I would just quit at this point it’s not gonna be a good time for you

KLUER JUST STANDING THERE WHILE THIS FIGHT HAPPENS SHFJFJF 

DID METHAS REALLY JUST SHOW UP TO TALK SHIT LAUGH IN OAB’S FACE AND LEAVE SHFJFJFJF someone get this man a moustache to twirl PLEASE

he’s got teleporting powers now too damn 

METHAS’ SMILE WHEN HE’S ALL DRESSED UP ON THE CLINIC TABLE WHAT A SMUG LITTLE SHITTY CAT LMFAO

Even though I don’t care for Kluer, I don’t blame him if he snaps tbh. The most absurd part of this competition is making your right hand man jump through all these hoops to prove himself over complete strangers. Like if Kluer had the money in the first place, Chef could’ve just sold him the restaurant and none of this drama would’ve gone down

Laughing my ass off at the long beans reveal no one ever reacted this dramatically to a dish with yardlong beans in it before

AUTO RETURNS NEXT WEEK MY SON!!!

Gonna be so sad when this is over tho, they better be starting on Pit Babe 2 soon before my brain eats itself alive

[vidyagamereference]

Holy fuck yall i finally finished something

Dating Gepard hc's except theyre not all 100% positive romance tropes [sfw and not sfw]

Anyways back to our regularly scheduled headcanons

He has to learn to ask "do you want solutions or do you want to vent" during your relationship bc he is 100% in "fix the problem" mode 100% of the time

If he gets to a point where he is frustrated and upset he won't cry unless you two intentionally do something to intentionally make him cry.

To achive the above he's open to anything from BDSM to structured arguing to watching pixar. His only requirement is that you be physically with him and hold him when hes ready for it.

I personally headcanon him as being really into BDSM and a switch because he has simultaneously too much control over part of his life and the lives of others and no choice whatsoever because of his name and title and he would love to have just an hour or two where everything goes the way he wants it to wether thats because he needs you to do exactly what he demands or if its because he needs to stop having so many god damn responsibilities and just feel

Hes a good cook but i think he'd prefer to just clean up after you make him something if you cook

Not that hes unwilling to or anything it just feels more special to eat what you make him and he likes to help you out by doing the dishes and cleaning the stove and such

He will cook for you if you ask

Pls ask sometimes it makes him so happy he gets to make you feel as special as him but [leading to my next headcanon]

He sucks at spontaneity and you cannot tell me this man isnt autistic. His ass is Not reading silent/subtle hints so if you wanna be pampered you gotta be blunt and actually ask for it

None of that passive aggressive "if i ask it doesnt count" bullshit you have to be a blunt communicator to date him.

And if you start picking fights he is canonically one of the most stubborn "dig your heels in" "im not compromising" "create a cold war in my own house" kind of people EVER

You ain't winning that standoff

It takes a kind of person who will argue just as stubbornly and come back after and ask to "see where we went wrong" and take accountability for your side of what happened to date him effectively

Frustrating guy

But so so worth it

If he grows flowers successfully even once you can garentee (autocorrect has been no help how fo you spell that?!) A slightly shabby flower or three in a big ribbon and the sweetest smile!

He doesnt take off his shoes OR armor right away when he enters the house because they STINK and he has those disposable baggies that you step in to get to the shower without tracking in all the salt and muddy snow from outside. He needs to get to the soap (for him) and deodorizers (for his shoes and clothes) first

He uses 2 in 1 head n shoulders as facewash, bodywash, shampoo, and conditioner. one stop shopping. And his skin and hair are soft and flawless somehow

His hair is fluffy and cute. Its 100% genetics and 0% effort

I feel it in my bones that he has a slight pooch of belly fat. He has functional muscle not fashion muscle. I know it. Its fact. It would be So Fucking Cute no im not coping with a complete castwide lack of any curves why do you ask?

I think he sleeps like a rotisserie chicken but he needs to hug something to sleep, so he has an Emotional Support Pillow that he brings with him, on duty, at homw, he has His Pillow(tm)

He is the little spoon

He will randomly kiss you when youre alone bc he suddenly remembered "hey i can kiss my partner!!!! :D" and got excited about being your boyfriend/partner

A few rapid fire not sfw headcanons

Hes average size (6.5in) and it curves nicely upwards. The head gets cutely pink when hes hard and it has a beauty mark on the right ridge

Literally loves body worship, would be on either side happily. It gives him a nice feeling of power exchange and fluffy emotional validation feelings all at once

Also loves the pet name "good boy" for the same reason

He *is* good thank you for noticing! And he is a boy who is *also* yours! Correct twice in a row he might just swoon

Cuddle monster. 100% cuddles after are a must

Sometimes cries after. Often actually. And he would feel the need to defend it like he wasnt the worlds no.1 "most unable to express emotions" autistic person getting overwhelmed by All This Intimacy

He's got a thing about smelling his partner. Idk how i just know it. I feel it in my bones. He likes the way they smell and he wants your shirts (for jackoff material) not your nudes (tho pls send those too)

He likes public in theory but would actually die of shame if he ever tried anything where anyone could hear you ot potentially catch you. Its fully Anxiety so bad he couldnt even preform type of shit

If hes domming tonight he wants to tie you up and use you like a toy

If (or how many times) you get off is up to him not you

If hes subbing tonight he wants you to degrade him and make him cry. Then let him pleasure you with "your favorite toy" (his dick) pls he would love it

Petplay. I beleive he would make a great puppyboy and that is the Only justification i have for this

I think he likes asses. Ass man 100%

[shadowcatzone]

xingyue child after all the trauma (tm)

Xingyue child buying/sharing lunch with yanqing bc the stupid kid used all his money for swords again and didn't buy food. Despite knowing probably that if they keep feeding him he'll keep wasting all his money on swords rather than starving once or twice and then learning his lesson.

(They probably get any money spent back from jing yuan but don't tell yanqing)

Xingyue child adjusting yanqings age like a slider depending on who asks and what will get them the most benefit out of it. Wanna go to some sort of amusement park? He's 9 so he only pays half. Wanna watch a martial arts movie? He's 14 actually so old enough. Wanna get out of trouble quickly? "Sir, i'm just the attendant of jing yuans young son. You'll have to take any complaints to his father."

(They might get in trouble with jing yuan for this, but they're rather scolded by their "uncle" than a stranger)

Xingyue childs first priority being bailu, second priority yanqing. If something, anything, goes wrong, they'll pick up bailu, (and yanqing, if necessary) then make a run for either the artisanship commission or divination commission.

(Then they'll wait any danger out on a rooftop or in the forge until jing yuan or yanqing come pick them up)

Xingyue child playing with bailu. Neither of them really needs to pretend that they're younger than they actually are, but they will. Both are over 18 technically. Neither is fully grown. Both will absolutely throw a temper tantrum if only to throw off suspicion. Then they'll shit-talk about the preceptors.

(Included but not limited to: playing in yanqings room when he isn't there, playing in jing yuans room when yanqing IS there, playing in the study when jing yuan isn't there.)

Xingyue child trying to fight (and defeat) dan heng, ultimately getting defeated without dan heng making a single attack. Man's just dodging while xingyue child exhausts themself and ultimately falls on their face. Decides that dan heng is mean and will never fight him again (until the next opportunity arises) pouting all day afterwards.

(Jing yuan says he could at least block them. Dan heng claims that would be unfair, considering he's much stronger than them. Jing yuan sighs, dan heng is as stubborn as dan feng)

Xingyue child insisting on calling blade "yingxing" or "dad". That's a problem(tm), kafka never had to fix blade that often, not even during/after the story quest on the luofu.

(Because no one wants to leave the child alone with blade, even though he hasn't done anything to the child and it's unlikely that he will)

Xingyue child most likely picking up smithing (and tinkering) like yingxing and so they try to. Create. But they want blade to show them how, look at what they made, how is it etc. Nobody wants that, least of all blade, but the moment dan heng says he doesn't want it, blade will willingly go, if only to upset dan heng.

(Dan heng will be forced to go as well, to make sure "our child is okay. I mean, your child. I mean, my- no- their child. The child of dan feng and yingxing." Cue beet-red dan heng)

Bonus: xingyue child happily working in the forge, concentrating so hard on whatever they're making. Meanwhile, blade making out with dan heng, occasionally stopping mid-kiss to tell xingyue "you're doing great, keep it up." "Careful with that part, it can be difficult. You'll know what i mean" "just a bit more... [xingyue], heat the metal up a bit more.". Also, pushing his fingers into dan hengs mouth, to make sure he doesn't close it.

(If xingyue child noticed any of that (most likely not) they didn't let it show)

Also, cue blade abruptly stopping when he hears xingyue child call out "done!" Then runs over excitedly. Blade pretends nothing happened. Dan heng pretends the forge is too hot.

[jennazed]

So today I was kinda bored and decided to read the "Be More Chill" book to see if there were any differences between the book and the musical.... and OH BOY WERE THERE SOME DIFFERENCES!!! I wrote down some of them, enjoy (beware spoilers obviously)

Jeremy has humiliation sheets to quantiatively determine how much of an incel he is

Madeline is now Elizabeth?

Who tf is Mark, why does he exist, and why is Jeremy friends with him?

Everyone knows Jeremy wrote the letter to Christine, but now he wants to give her a chocolate shakespeare bc he is a total flirt (TM)

Jeremy's mom is around and has a divorce lawyer-ing firm with his dad now

Michael is a white boy with an asian girl fetish

JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID! JEREMY IS A THEATER KID!

Mr Reyes doesn't microwave his own hot pockets, he uses child labor to do so instead

Christine is super angsty like she needs an anger management therapist or smth

Michael's brother got a squip apparently and is going to Brown University

Oh btw, Jeremy's dad doesn't even wear underwear around the house he just lets his son see his junk?

Michael also has a knee fetish apparently???

Sadly, the play is the actual Midsummer's Dream and not a Midsummer's Nightmare about Zombies

Ok Christine is no longer angsty?

Nvm she is angsty again that was quick

Jeremy goes "Heh-heh." a lot

According to Michael, all girls are shirt thieves and should never be trusted

Ok Christine is no longer angsty again and apparently she is very specific on how relationships are supposed to be formed bc of course she is

The whole Halloween party is now a school-sanctioned event

Is Jeremy a furry? what does "sometime tonight I’ve got to find pics on the Internet of girls with tails" mean???????

Instead of dressing up as Juliet, Christine dresses up as a prostitute angel for the halloween party

Btw michael knows all about the squip from day 1, his brother has one

Rich does his whole ITS FROM JAPAN moment at the halloween party instead of while pissing

Rich's halloween costume is marijuana

the squip is no longer "top secret can't even look it up on the internet shit" bc there's like 361 results for it on yahoo apparently

Jeremy's dad might have been gay for Ben Franklin

Instead of using his Bar Mitzvah money, Jeremy steals his aunt's beanie babies to finance his squip

LORE!! The guy from the lady's running shoes place who gives Jeremy the squip, his name is RACK LMAO

Jeremy keeps his squip-shenanigans secret from michael so we don't get the awesome sequence "try to say something cool" "i think i just blew my bar mitzvah money on a wintergreen tic-tac" "yeah not cool" :(

RACK instead of the squip says the "You can also set me to Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, Sexy Anime Female hehehehe" line. This change is devestating

"The gayer it feels, the better your posture" YOU HEARD IT HERE FOLKS GAY PEOPLE HAVE BETTER POSTURE

In the book, the squip can see into parallel universes bc quantum physics

Brooke is Anne

Jeremy flirts with Chloe instead of Brooke/Anne man they really changed a lot of stuff around yk

Eminem dies like immediately. That squip DEFINITELY killed him lol

Fun fact: Jeremy is NOT circumcised!

Apparently you just think about the squip turning off to turn it off wow

Jeremy now does pushups whenever he sees an attractive guy on tv instead of whenever he thinks about sex

SQUIPS CAN CONTROL YOUR DREAMS? THATS SO COOL!

lol the squip hates singing

Jeremy instead of the squip says "up up down down left right left right B A start"

wait Brooke is in the book? Then who tf is Anne???

Madeline is now Katrina?

The squip becomes murderous if you drink, i love it!

how does jeremy not know what a pheromone is but is perfectly able to memorize monologues about how humanity has stopped evolving?

Jeremy is a professional boxer and will punch you in the neck and make your gameboy say "dont fuck with me >:(" if you mess with him, remember that folks

Apparently the squip thinks acting like a dog is cute?

NOOO! Some dude named Jason Finderman is the one who has his parents on the run for money laundering and hosts the party instead of Jake

Huh, no optic nerve blocking of Michael? Maybe this version of the squip is actually trying to help Jeremy

Poor Jenna :( she just wanted to talk about how Elizabeth is a slut and Jeremy turned her down

Apparently the squip is also a certified drivers ed instructor! Who knew?

JEREMYS DAD SAYS THE N WORD OK ITS PROBABLY FOR THE BEST THAT ONE GOT CHANGED

Ok smth is up with Jeremy, why is he confessing to Chloe while on ectsasy that he constantly dreams of her with a tail? AND WHY IS SHE KINDA INTO IT??

Fun fact: ectsasy turns the squip spanish

Apparently Chloe's boyfriend in the book is named Brock. Imagine going through 9 months of pregnancy and deciding that your baby should go by fucking Brock lol

Hugging legs is Jeremy's coping mechanism

I love this version of the squip: "TODO LO QUE USTED ES BUENO PARA ES SEXO DEL INTERNET." lmao

btw rich has a belly button kink

Rich named his pp Li'l Cheese Head

No michael in the bathroom moment, instead its more of a michael in a bathtub with an asian girl moment

Michael, who is still buddies with Jeremy :), rushes to tell him of the rich fire

I think rich set the fire bc alcohol + squip = murderous rage in this universe not bc he was trying to get it out

YOOO CHRISTINE IS GONNA BE A PSYCH MAJOR

Jeremy gets a therapist bc his mom freaks out when he tells her about the squip but the therapist is also squipped lol

lol all hollywood actors have squips, awesome

The squip's plan is to have Jeremy confess his love to Christine during the play in front of everybody but she calls him a loser… oof

The squip plans to write Jeremy's life story in a book and then have it kill itself with mtn dew red :O

THE WHOLE STORY WAS A BOOK JEREMY/THE SQUIP WROTE FOR CHRISTINE????? AND THEN IT JUST ENDS??????

That was one way to spend like four hours

[double--hh]

At this point, I’ve been treating SK Francis as if he’s my personal canon depiction for him. And yes, I secretly want him to be batshit insane. But I already made up headcanons for my regular canon depiction of Francis. I just treat canon Francis and SK Francis as the same character from different alternate realities.

My version of canon Francis is this lonely traumatised man who served in the military before becoming a milkman. He was orphaned as a child because his own mother had to give him up for adoption because her abusive husband was causing trouble for her. Not wanting her own son to suffer, she had to give him up, hoping that he had a better life at the orphanage than the one he had with her. Despite having a lonely childhood, canon Francis grew up to be a decent person with a fairly normal life with a couple of friends like Steven. He’s also in a long term relationship with Nacha after he got her out of an abusive relationship (but that’s a different story).

The thing is, had Francis’s mother not given him up for adoption, they would both be suffering in an abusive household, thus SK Francis is born. He’s supposed to be a dark reflection of canon Francis if he ever went down the wrong path. It’s a what could go wrong type of scenario.

~ SK Francis anon 🔪

oooo that's radical anon 😎

I'm both an enjoyer of Francis being absolutely insane or just some guy (tm)

As you may know, I'm not so much of an Fancis of Franny boy, so I haven't poured the same amount of lore I have into him as compared to so say Mia, Izaack, Angus, and Nacha (my own blorbos to which i torture greatly <3)(its mainly Mia and Izaack I torture a lot bc fuck them and I love them)(Angus too but that's just me venting)

But, I always love reading everyone's own canon to characters, it's always uber inchrestin to hear!

W for Momcis for wining momma of the year for not destroying her son's mental health completely!!

[lansplaining]

Protagonist-centric readers will do anything but admit that their MCs did lie and impact other characters' decisions. It's not the side-characters fault that they did not know the whole truth because *drum roll* they weren't told anything and/or was deliberately lied to.

LQQ being hated bc he impaled XL in a coffin for a long time but like... XL admitted to killing the King of Yong'an and committing the bloody massacre so what was LQQ supposed to do? Sit down and ask his Guoshi for the truth when we know damn well XL will just continue to admit to it? XL didn't want to tell LQQ the truth to protect LQQ and the two groups of people, and that's completely admirable, but what LQQ saw was his Guoshi stabbing a sword through his father's chest and admitting to everything so him reacting the way he did was completely valid. The single act of killing the king was treason 100x already, and as the son of the king, LQQ's reaction was not out of the ordinary. we don't want XL to suffer and be even more traumatized, but XL already knew that the consequences wouldn't be pretty and lied anyway. idk why fans can't grasp that.

Or for JC's case, HE IS LITERALLY THE ONE PERSON ALIVE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO ACTUALLY DESERVES SOME KIND OF EXPLANATION FROM WWX HIMSELF, THE MAN WHO ACCIDENTALLY CAUSED WN TO KILL JXZ AND INDIRECTLY KILLED JYL DESPITE CLAIMING THAT HE HAD EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. These two aren't strangers to JC at all; they're his sister and his brother-in-law, or more importantly, his sister's beloved husband and father of his nephew. He deserves to be angry and bitter at the one person who did all that, and there is no time limit for how long he should remain bitter and angry about it. The GCT was a whole mess and they both made HUGE sacrifices out of love but the only one whose sacrifice is made invalid is JC because one, it was short-lived and two, they already didn't like JC so no matter what he does for WWX, it will be seen as something negative.

I don't even want to get into the hell-hole regarding LXC but... damn...

the revelations after a character found out the truth should be "oh man, so that's what really happened" not "this character was a dick because they didn't know about the major sacrifice the MC made for them that would only be revealed many years later, and it's not even voluntary because someone else told the truth, not the MC themself"

I'm not the first nor am I the last person to say this but a protagonist is just a character we see, mainly, from their POV or the character that we follow the story through. That's all there is to it. I feel like a lot of danmei readers have yet to read a variety of stories about an MC that's completely shit but serves to tell a story just as important and interesting.

okay, first of all-- people hate LQQ?? The sweetest, most violent himbo of all????????????? even Xie Lian doesn't hate him for what he did??????

i have nothing to say to such people

i'll be honest, it is really only relatively recently that i've fully come to realise how completely Jiang Cheng deserves an explanation or even just acknowledgement of any kind from Wei Wuxian, and how cowardly and selfish it is that Wei Wuxian refuses to give it. and I say this with a heart full of love for WWX-- he is dealing with Some Trauma (tm) but that doesn't mean his refusal to even speak to JC isn't hurtful and unfair, even if it's what he needs... but man everyone in fandom and fanworks is focused on WWX taking what he needs in this situation and not even remotely considering that just maybe he also justifiably owes something to someone he harmed and who he supposedly (formerly?) cared about (i think he still cares)

the lan xichen thing is literally inexplicable to me and i will never understand it

[thekats]

2AM thoughts

CW: suggestive content, mentions/discussion of SA/rape

I just saw (again) a post with that Lae'zel-Halsin banter that's like 'has he killed more or fucked more in his 350 year alive?' and he goes 'chimera has 3 heads but does it count as one creature?' Then Lae'zel says 'must have been a challenging kill' and he replies 'yes... kill' (sorry, my palm brushed the back button and the post was lost from view or I'd have done this as a reblog, but again it's 2am, I'd scrolled for a while until it popped up and I'll have forgotten by the time I get up again).

Now, I see three potential readings for this and I'm not saying any of them are more or less valid, just wanted to package them into wordsies:

A) Halsin is doing a funny. From banter with Shadowheart (for example) we see that he does have a funny bone. I'm thinking in particular the animal noises she offers to make to make him feel more at home in the shadow-cursed lands and him going 'you bleat well enough as is'. Yup, can absolutely be read as 100% serious, but doesn't really match his character. Think also the 'you're so big and strong and muscular and huge hunky-hunk-man for an elf' dialogue option in camp. His reply 'really?' is, for a split second, convincingly genuine, but he instantly reveals that 'ha-ha! Tricked you, of course I know I'm a big beefy himbo guy for an elf, we have fun.' Not to play the autism card, but this humour is very popular among autistics, I don't make the rules. Allistics frequently don't get it, especially because we use it with such earnestness that it can be tough to see the intention of a joke.

The chimera banter does fit that pattern.

B) He did fuck that chimera, he is a monsterfucker. Obviously, this is the favourite option for both Halsin-stans and Halsin-...crams... it's 2.19am, fuck off.

Him horny, him 'old', him horny and old, he fuck monsters. We don't know when he did it, how he did it, why he did it. Maybe he really was just horny and he put all of y'all's hear-me-outs to shame (I'm not a monsterfucker, personally, I can't even bring myself to fuck Halsin in bear form, so I don't have any hear-me-outs). Maybe there was something external at play. Maybe it's Maybelline(TM R C and such). Honestly, good for him. All we know for sure is that he checked in with that chimera to make sure it was all consensual beginning to end. Absolute king. I'd believe that a chimera would get the hots for him. He can get it.

3) He did have sexual intercourse with a chimera, but it wasn't consensual on his part. "But Kats," I hear you scream (I don't, humour me), "why would he be so chill about it then?!" The drow. He says himself in his Sharess' Caress afterglow dialogue that the way he speaks of the events now isn't necessarily representative of the severity of the events. Ffs he reports being raped, a sex slave for three years, and still 'some of it was done willingly'. My bro, my boo, son. N.O.! Just because it was "in their nature" as lolth-drow or some shit does not make it excusable! Just because you got a hard-on, a natural bodily reaction that has nothing to do with willingness or consent, does not mean you have to downplay what happened, even if that makes it easier in your own mind. Therapy. You, me and someone qualified. And Astarion. And Gale. And Derryth Bonecloak, honestly... NOW!

I would not be any more surprised than with the other two options if this were the tale behind that... story. Martel, I am running out of vocabulary here, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, again, I don't consider any of these more or less true/likely than each other. Perhaps there's even other options? Perhaps there's official info on it that I haven't come across yet bc I've had the game for 3 weeks and there is just so much content all of the time. Yeah, just wanted to lay down my 2 cents. Okay, nighty night!

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

ok ok what the fuck that episode was insane I have so much to say.

uh to start with before you get my patented Child Abuse Analysis (TM) the ending where everyone in the village rejected zuko was obviously sad but it makes so much sense from their perspective. bc he was like? stating “yeah im the son of the guy who’s responsible for a lot of you fucking dying and I’m proud of that” like obviously us as the audience knows that zuko is like that bc he is a victim of prolonged child abuse but the townspeople understandably think he's going to take over or something and they do not in fact want to be around mr proudly states himself to be the kid of War Crimes Man. and it’s fucked bc zuko genuinely isn’t fully aware of how Fucked his family is- even outside of propaganda, I highly doubt the royal kids were allowed much personal freedom. they most likely barely knew about life outside the castle walls until fairly recently. zuko genuinely didn’t realise he was going “hi I think being the son of War Crimes Man is cool and I am that” but he was.

[oh-no-its-bird]

*falls out of a tree with a yelp*

There needs to be more people horny gripping for 40 year old Tobirama. Not enough people got to appreciate him. So I propose....

Tobirama and Kagami being yeeted back in time together via, Tobirama trying to save Kagami during his last stand but his blood loss made him have less control over his teleportation and instead of moving towards his other students Tobi moved himself and Kagami to the past. They proceed to do the usual of, making the village happen sooner as the norm of Naruto time travel fics lol

Except now Kagami is trying to keep Madara and/or Izuna from fucking his dad, who is not helping because he thinks this is funny. Do the brothers have Daddy Issues? Maybe...but older Tobirama go BRRRRRRRRRR

I am ringing the bell in the town square yelling ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ OLD MAN FUCKER !!!!!¡¡¡¡ THERES AN OLD MAN FUCKER IN MY INBOX !!!!!!!! For all to hear

Kidding but only bc 40 isn't old enough to make u eligible for the title. Still ringing the bell tho

I'm in fucking tears tho that would be such a great crackfic.

Older Tobirama time travels w Kagami and instead of being a tense political drama ab the differences between his younger self and older (in some ways, both versions are harder and softer than eachother— just in different departments) and what this means for the future of Konoha. And the implications of having 2 Tobiramas and 2 Kagami's, and how older Tobirama must decide what to do about Madara's inevitable defection.

Instead of all that. It's just 11k words of Madara horny gripping his thighs, breathing heavily as he stares at older Tobirama from across a peace talk table as Izuna screams into a paper bag and Hikaku looks like he's having an out of body experience.

Make it funnier actually. Trick the readers and make the first bit of the fic like. Super serious and from (young) Tobirama's POV

He is living in that tense political drama ab facing the man he will one day grow to be, and meeting his future adopted son (who is an uchiha!!!) And all these implications and heavy moral dillemnas of that peace really means and if he will allow it to soften himself like it has done to this older him. But also if he will allow it to harden himself too— but then, won't that happen anyways as the years go by?

Then like halfway through the chapter u get the Madara POV and it's just him screaming internally ab how bad he wants to hit that.

The things he wants to do to that man...the things he wants that man to do to him...... he is mentioning these Things(tm) to Izuna and Izuna punches him in the face then screams to never talk to him again and runs away to probably scream into a pillow for an hour.

Hikaku tries to talk to Madara and learns More Than He Needed To Know and promptly stands up and power walks away

Meanwhile Izuna is actually attracted to older Tobirama but unlike Madara, who seems to be overwhelmed with it enough to cancel out any other thoughts and feelings, is really fucking mad about it

He wants to climb him like a tree. He also wants to murder him in his sleep. These two things are not mutually exclusive.

Hikaku approaches him, intending to commiserate ab Madara / let Izuna vent a bit bc hes clearly wound up and needs it. Only for Izuna to let slip his own (honestly much more alarming) fantasies. Hikaku is fucking going THROUGH it.

Meanwhile, (young) Tobirama in the bg, seeing none of this: "The true nature of peace...can someone like me really help create such a thing?"

(Older) Tobirama is enjoying the show and absoloutley aware of his effect.

Kagami needs him to STOP. This is the worst thing to ever happen to him in his life.

Uhh endgame one or both Tobirama's end up sleeping w Hikaku (the younger version possibly getting into a relationship w him after the elder leaves?) bc this is the funniest outcome to me. And Madara and Izuna lose their fucking minds ab it

[tacticalhimbo]

i knew u were gonna serve me gta LMAO so i am also doing the same for u 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

SAME BRAIN [send me a fandom] imma answer for 5 mostly bc i remember more about it than 4 but just know i have my thots and thoughts(tm) there too—

The first character I first fell in love with: oh man oh man.. it was davey. not even gonna lie. i was respectfully looking at the big three (michael, trev, franklin), but like. i dunno! i saw davey and was like yeah 😌💕 fdjasklfjaslfjsdf

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: haines. i just. i wanna put him in a test tube and shake him and then pour him onto a slide and study him under a microscope. what is his deal. i must know. i hate everything he embodies and he gives me the ick but also... 👀

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: ... lazlow. i'm sorry i just. cannot. find it in me. JFLKAJDSFLASJF. i see the appeal!! he's just a guy!! pathetic man! hell i love his comments with mikey in the tattoo shop calling him papa bear (bc same, honestly) but i still get too much ick from him.

The character I love that everyone else hates: hmmm... ngl i don't see a lot of content for her so i can't say if people really hate her. but tracey. i love tracey. if tracey de santa has no fans i am dead. she's spoiled and rich and yada yada but man... her idle dialog makes me so sad she deserves the love and care she is clearly not getting from her family.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: i can't think of an answer for this either! i still love brucie (again, he only shows up in online but whateverrrr) but not? as much? i'm actually normal about him. he's just a guy to me. so.

The character I would totally smooch: lamar... ☺️☺️☺️ i love him too okay he's the character ever. he has his problems but that is literally the entire cast. there is not one healthy motherfucker in the entirety of san andreas

The character I’d want to be like: hmmmmm... again, not one healthy motherfucker in the entirety of san andreas but if i had to pick one... gay tony. yea yea he only shows up in online whatever ok he is living his best life owning the pc's nightclub like he escaped everything from liberty city and is still in contact with his son (re: luis, who is not his actual son but may as well be) and spends his time browsing himplants enhancing surgery and fucking it up on the dance floor. as he should.

The character I’d slap: jimmy (affectionate). he's the younger brother i'm sorry as an older brother i am legally obligated. serious answer is dr. friedlander. fuck dr. friedlander all my homies hate dr. friedlander.

A pairing that I love: imma be real i don't look at many gta ships so i can't say i really love any of them if i don't know them. i see the appeal of trikey so i'll say that one-

A pairing that I despise: controversial take... michael and amanda. yes i know they are legally married. yes i know they "work things out" in the end bc they are both bad(tm) for one another. but my brother in christ if i were her and my husband threatened to kill me in front of my children during a therapy session... i'm sorry i'm going to our witsec contacts and telling them we need an OUT. i have so many gripes with friedlander in general (and yes yes i know satire; i will still complain about it as it's a big plot point in the central story) but letting that slide... OUGHHHHH.

[dawning-day]

top 15 tv shows (in no particular order except i did number them bc otherwise i would forget to do 15)( love u @soleadita and fuck with the icon change immensely)

crashing (2016) call me marissa cooper the way i am ruthlessly stealing this pick but yeah it's. it's insane and fantastic and terrible and beautiful and so much happens so fast but its so so important to me

inside job (it's gross and weird and funny and sad and it's one of the only times i was genuinely upset when i heard about a show being cancelled)

young justice (pointing at an on fire garbage can - this is my son and i love him)

gilmore girls (comfort media of all time what else do you need)

bob's burgers (similar to the above it's very i am falling asleep to the weird bisexual man who is a mess at all times except for how much he loves his family)

fleabag (why yes i have a perfectly normal relationship with the catholic church and the concept of being truly known. why would you ask. and yeah i real life cried)

yuri on ice (idk if anime counts but fuck around and find out this is My List (tm)) ((it's beautiful and soft and lovely and sad and stressful and i listened to the instrumental track so many times it was on my spotify top songs. it's literally just a piano and a boy with a dream and i have wept about it))

given (it's the first anime i ever watched all the way through which in retrospect, fucking insane way to come out of the gate. as a Band Kid (tm) who wanted to be a theater kid but was bad at speaking in front of groups of people, this show did a lot to my psyche in the best way possible)

will (enough with the tears its time for something almost embarrassingly niche. in 2017 TNT had a drama series about william shakespeare and to this day it remains one of the greatest things ive ever seen. jamie campell bower plays the sluttiest version of christopher marlowe you've ever seen in your life. it's chaotic and ridiculous and i absolutely adore it. i have no idea where to find it im pretty sure they want us to forget it exists but i cant)

numb3rs (silly little show about a nervous man who solves murder with the power of math and being a pathetic little wife guy to the hottest woman ive ever seen. theres an episode about trains that i think rewired something in my brain)

white collar (look at me. obviously im a white collar guy. come on now)

invincible (i think ive seen the pilot episode like 4 times. i genuinely think it redefined to me what superhero media could be. oh i adore it more than anything. it's only 9 because i haven't seen season 2 yet but holy shit. holy shit. media of all time. if you want to know me fundamentally and wholly please watch the pilot. i'll watch it again anytime im not kidding)

teen titans (cherished childhood media of all time. only group of people who have ever understood dick grayson)

bridgerton season 2 (i'm bias on account of just finishing it yesterday but holy shit two people have never been in love like they are in love)

the flash (cw) (im sorry to both my mother and god for this one but unfortunately i don't have taste and also it's the reason i started caring about dc in the first place which is the reason i got back on tumblr and met all the cherished gay people in my telephone so yeah. barry allen's allowed to be cringe as fuck i owe him everything)

leo already tagged everyone i know on here but if u see this pls do it and @ me im nosy

[smolvenger]

The Twelve Days Chapter Five (Henry V x Fem! reader miniseries)

Summary: Your family betrothed you to the notorious Prince Hal- now newly crowned as King Henry V. As December ends and January begins, you must face your first Twelve Days of Christmas celebration not only as a Queen but as a wife to a man you are only beginning to know and bed.

Previous Parts: One//Two//Three//Four

Chapter Word Count: 4K

Warnings: Mentions of sex, pregnancy, childbirth, and the fear of cheating are discussed. (Henry/Hal NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER cheats on Reader at any point in the fic bc he's a good guy), Y/N is a jealous and angry girlie and gets a moment of Female Rage(TM). Some angst but then some hurt/comfort and then a very fluffy ending. References to the original text of Henry V, specifically the last scene in Act V. Attempts at historical accuracy and Shakespearean cursing.

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The Ninth Day

According to Sumptuary laws, you were the only person in England allowed to wear purple or gold. You hoped the silk dress, adorned in your favorite of the two colors, would make you look more official. You wanted to step in more at today’s court session. Henry used to tell you that you were a queen now, it was time to step into the power of that position. You only hoped you were ready for it and would make the right choices. If not, you could at least advise Henry on anything just from being a silent observer. Just as the neck turned the head, you could turn the king of England for anything if you tried. Perhaps. He had even arranged for a chair by his throne so you did not have to stay standing for hours.

���We thank our allies in Spain for their generous gifts for New Year's, forgiving any lateness,” Henry announced.

The Spanish ambassador dipped his head and then stepped out. Then another courtier, the Earl of Westmoreland, stepped forward.

“My king,” he greeted with a bow.

“And what does Westmoreland have for our person?” Henry asked.

“We have heard of the consummation of the royal marriage-“

Embarrassment shot through your being for such private matters (concerning your body as well!) to be publicly discussed with every person in court. It was an uncomfortable truth though- your sole purpose of being brought here, the one and only crucial job you had to do was to give the king a legitimate son to carry on his family’s reign on the throne. And there was only one act that, unless you were the Holy Virgin Herself, would guarantee that would happen.

You shot your eyes down to your hands folded on your lap, your ears feeling hot. The Earl of Westmoreland continued.

“We are grateful that her grace has done her duty to the crown and we must make preparations for the pregnancy…”

You looked at Henry and he at you. His cheeks were a bit pink with embarrassment yet his face remained calm, if not a flash of a wicked, Prince Hal-like smile.

“It’s too soon to tell, according to the physicians. But…”

Your husband turned to you.

“If she should think she is with child, she shall contact the physician and inform us, yes?”

“Yes, I shall,” you replied.

The Earl of Westmoreland nodded and then brought forth a scroll of parchment that he opened up.

“Wonderful! Once she is pregnant, we will have the best physicians. Though already it is advised that for the sake of the child, once she is pregnant, you shall lie in separate beds and do not perform your marital duties to each other.”

You questioned if that was true. Part of you sighed on the inside. The joys of the marriage bed were something you were just discovering. That you could feel such mad desire for your husband’s body and go through the process of intimacy until you found that addictive state of ecstasy would be something to be missed. Henry himself, if you had to be blunt with your feelings, was a skilled lover...

Lover. You turned to look at him in that thought in your head. Lover- the first part of that word- love. Already, was it too soon? Was it his kindness? Was it bedding him? Perhaps, perhaps by now, you felt that maybe-yes….you were starting to fall in lo-

“And the king shall take a mistress once the queen is pregnant!” Westmoreland announced.

Your head bolted forward to him. The word rang in your head yet you felt you were underwater.

“Excuse me…what did you say?” you asked.

“I said, his highness, the king, shall take a misteress once the queen is pregnant. That way, he shall have someone to satisfy him until after the child is delivered. We must make sure, after all, the king is happy enough to rule wisely… the needs of the king come first!”

Needs?!?! You thought.

You froze. You felt as if you were kicked in the stomach by a mule. Your hands clenched and tightened where they lay. Your jaw hung in mid-air.

Months ago, you admitted that kings kept mistresses. It was natural. Your place would be the wife only for the purpose of risking your life to deliver a healthy male heir and he would choose to fool around with whoever he wanted. At first, before your wedding, you regarded this thought with mere annoyed acceptance.

Now it was different. It felt even worse than when you tried to overhear Henry talking with your ladies. You kept still, feeling your shoulders creep up. Knowing that after all this was for the king- not you.

You looked over at Henry. Honestly, You dreaded seeing the lascivious smile of a man who could take what he wanted and enjoy it all without consequence. But he was frozen. His mouth was in a somber frown and his jaw seemed tight. His face was stone and his oceanic eyes were the size of tennis balls. You couldn’t guess what he was feeling or thinking. Then his eyes looked towards you. In the ducts of your eyes, there were quiet tears.

"Written here is a list of women we consider would make most wonderful misteresses for the king..."

Could you be Queen Y/N the Kind-Hearted at this? Could you smile and say it was fine? That you cared more for your husband than for yourself- glad he was at least happy? Could you swallow back your heartbreak, your envy, your anger? Many queens had. Many queens did. But why…why did this have to be?

The Earl would not shut up.

“We have several options of mistresses for you, your highness- We shall have you meet with them soon enough. And if her beauty pleases you, my lord, then we can select one to be ready when the time comes Some husbands have offered their wives to you, even, in order to gain your favor in return.”

The image, the picture of Henry…and a mistress. Henry, who made a sacred covenant to be your husband. To have and hold until only death did you part, for richer, poorer, sickness, health. After he refused to have the court eyewitness the wedding night and refused to force himself on you. To allow your wish to assist in charity to the common folk on Christmas day. After he gave you a little flower, as well as the very necklace you were wearing right now and the companionship of a kitten to keep you company in your lonely hours after you confided a personal anecdote of a family pet you missed from home. To have him bring your family here for the Twelfth Night so you could see them. Who didn't consider you as his plaything, but as...as a person. To how he cared as much for your pleasure as he did for his and despite voicing how badly he desired you... yet controlled himself until you said yes to him…

Was all of that for nothing?

You could almost already see her- more beautiful than you could ever hope to be. Someone better, with all the qualities you lacked times ten and with hardly a flaw. The image of this perfect, flawless, desirable woman grabbing your husband’s face and kissing him- as you lay in your rooms with a child in your stomach fearing that you or your baby would die in this process and the immense pain of bringing this child forth! You again pictured her grabbing your husband- your husband’s!- shirt to kiss him deeper, undoing his pants, lifting her skirt with a smile as you... and all as you lay in a quiet dark room, bleeding, dying slowly and painfully and alone....and in another place would be this lady with your husband kissing him and removing his clothes and hers and…and…and…

You had had enough. You could not let this happen. You could not smile and care only for his happiness and not your own. That because he was a man with a cock his own "needs" trumped your well-being and peace of mind. No, no, you could not take this. Not one bit. You couldn’t just stand there and let this happen anymore.

You stood up at once. Taking in a shaky breath, fighting back the urge to scream or cry in front of everyone, you held your arms. You spoke with authority, biting back the urge to yell, and glared directly into the eyes of Westmoreland.

“Sir, I must tell you…this shall not be so!” you commanded.

Eyes turned on you. You folded your arms in front of you to ground yourself. There was a point in your anger that you hit a silence, the quiet center of a storm. You had the power to punish this man and by God, you were going to use it.

You stared down at him with every bit of contempt you could fathom.

“What, your majesty! I-“ he babbled.

“How dare you even suggest such a thing, and in my presence no less!” you replied down at him. You made sure your features were still cool, yet firm.

“You must understand, that..."

You brushed him off with your hand as you walked forward.

“Oh, I understand completely what you just said. But listen to your queen- I will not tolerate this.”

You took a moment, and turned around to the rest of the court, raising your voice enough that each would hear you. You were glad that your dress was long enough that it hid your shaking legs, despite the volume of your voice.

“ From now on, listen to my declaration…if you or any other makes such an offer, man or woman- if I as much as hear of one lady being offered to the royal bed- whoever offered her and she herself as well will be sent to the tower…”

Your eyes turned to meet Westmoreland.

“If I must drag you both there myself by your hair.”

He dropped the scroll and scrambled to get it up. Once you both locked eyes again, you let yourself a small smile at the gruesome image you started to describe.

“Then, the day you are found guilty of this, you will both face execution by fire- not hanging, not beheading- the fire. Slowly. Painfully. Until each flame burns every bit of your flesh to the bone. And I will be there to watch it.”

You took a deep breath. Westmoreland’s hands dropped to his side, letting the scroll crash on the floor again, and there was a slight shake at his knees.

Good, you thought.

“And that goes for any and all involved in the idea of a mistress…is that clear?!?” you announced.

“But if his highness, the king, has needs as a..a... a man…” he began to protest.

“I shall tell you, he already has a mistress-me!" you argued.

You took another breath in. Then you stepped forward, quietly speaking with as much power and as much venom as you could muster.

“I will not tolerate even the idea of a misteress on pain of death. Do you hear your queen? Do you respect her word, or would you like to be the first to experience the consequence of displeasing me? Would you enjoy dying by fire? Is that clear?”

He looked up at you and then nodded frantically.

“Yes, your majesty!”

“I can be merciful. Beg for forgiveness from me, and you will have it. But you nor any other person will ever attempt to make this offer again as long as my husband and I both live- do you understand!” you said.

“Yes, please!” he cried.

“Fall on your knees and beg!” you hissed softly, pointing to the ground.

He then fell on his knees and put both hands on the floor, muttering, mumbling, and begging for forgiveness. You walked a step closer. You gestured for him to raise his head. Then you picked up the scroll. Despite curiosity, you would not look at the list of names of possible women to soil your marriage bed- and threw it at Westmoreland. He caught it, but remained speechless.

“Then…then I spare your life. Go and never speak of this again.”

Henry quietly walked forward and placed a hand on your shoulder. You jumped a little at the touch and then looked up at him. You set a glare in his eyes, despite his tall height, despite the crown on his head, there was one on yours too. He then spoke.

“I will confirm my wife’s wishes and we will adhere to them. I will not have a mistress during my reign. If I must be celibate when she is with child, so be it.”

You went back to sit on the chair. Your pulse was racing as if you managed to successfully escape a bear, and yet part of you was upright like the creature would roar and attack you again at any minute.

“Then…let us continue with the court,” you suggested.

Your mind could not rid of that picture of Henry with a mistress. You didn't speak a word for the rest of that meeting. You weren't even paying the least bit of attention. Once the court was dismissed, Henry turned to you. He opened his mouth to speak quietly.

“I…”

“I need some time alone…” you interrupted, turning your head away and waving him off with your hand.

You picked up your skirts and walked forward quickly, not looking back or left or right, a few ladies in waiting sprinting to keep up with you. Your pulse was racing. Only a few tears full down the ducts of your eyes yet you kept your own gaze forward until you finally reached your private quarters. Once you were inside, there were a few ladies in waiting to enjoy listening to one play the harp as they were organizing your correspondence.

“Your highness!” one greeted.

They all dipped into a bow. You folded your hands and looked down at them. It would not be fair to yell at them, to take out your anger on innocent women who were not present at what happened- and at what almost happened.

“How fares your grace? Shall we walk in the gardens next?” another asked.

You shook your head. Now the tears were starting to fall.

“I ask that you all leave me alone for the next hour and a half. You are not allowed in until then. And inform the guards that no one- I repeat no one- is allowed in until then!”

“Your grace? What is it…what ails her majesty? Are there tears?” one asked.

Your face crumbled as you nodded your head. You wiped one off with your hand as you raised your voice to be official.

“This is not a request- your queen orders you all to leave!”

They scattered out like rabbits. Finally, alone, you threw yourself on the bed like you did as an adolescent and began to sob. Finally, letting out those tears, that vulnerability, getting over it- yet…your body felt as if it happened, yet nothing did yet…Your own mind was spinning as you let yourself cry, grateful for the privacy. Since being queen, were you ever completely alone for an hour? You couldn’t even recall.

Sir Gwaine hopped from his spot on the window. You heard the shuffle as he leaped onto the bed and the weight of his little paws making their way and then poking at you. He meowed sweetly, giving you a touch of his little, pink nose. You held him and he purred in response. You kissed him and cuddled him. Animals were indeed far superior to men, you thought. You let yourself cry some more- ugly, gaping, hiccupping sobs.

You gave him a kiss on the head as you let him go and continued, curling in a ball on the bed and letting out as much crying as you could. Sir Gwaine stayed by, still standing. Then he stretched and his eyes went to a corner. He let a certain, loud, and bright “meow! Meow!”

Tis odd, you thought. He only meows like that when there’s someone walking into the room…unless...

God’s blood, no.

Your head turned around and in surprise, you saw Henry. He wasn't wearing his crown and his hands were in front of him, reaching as if to touch you.

“Y/N…”

You shot to sit up, still feeling the tearstains on your face.

“How did you get in here?!” you asked angrily.

“The guards refused to let me in, but I know all the rooms and passages to crawl through! I can’t tell you how many times I crept out and away from my father’s eye…” he explained.

He took a step forward.

“Y/N, I-“

Still in that anger, you removed your shoe and flung it towards his head. Despite his tall height, Henry ducked out of the way of the shoe.

“IF you-“

You flung the other shoe at his face.

“-Ever- “

You threw a pillow at him. He began to back off.

“-Have-”

The next pillow. It landed on his face.

“-a mistress- “

Another pillow.

“-I will- “

The next pillow came at him, which he dodged.

“-Kill you-“

Then the next one. Another dodge.

“-BOTH!”

Sir Gwaine fled to hide beneath the bed. You stood up from the bed and your arm reached to get another only to realize those were the only pillows. Henry, seeing you were unarmed for the second, darted up to you and grabbed your arms, forcing you to look him in the eye.

“Y/N- I won’t! Didn't you hear me back there?!? I won’t ever have a mistress!” he cried back.

There was a pause. From the concerned eyes and lowered jaw, brows lowered to where they crinkled his lids, he…he…he seemed…earnest. It was too good to be true.

You began to cry again. Again, that aftershock of hearing that announcement and at the same time, the emotion flooding you of it not happening. Of avoiding it, when it had been so close! His grip on your arms softened. You flung your arms around his neck- but not to strangle him- to embrace him. You dipped your face to his chest and let yourself cry into it and he held you for a bit and let you, a hand touching your back. Then he managed to scoop you into his arms- one under your legs and the other on your back, lifting you up. You paused from the crying, feeling his strength, the air beneath your feet as if you weighed nothing and were floating in midair. He carried you to the bed and placed you on there as he joined you to hold you tight. You curled up on his chest, he kept rubbing your back.

“You fear…you fear my infidelity, don't you?” he whispered.

You sniffled, feeling your nose run from all the sobbing. Like a child, you wiped it with your sleeve, even if it was the nice, silken one. Then you looked into his eyes again, they seemed dim despite their piercing blue color.

“Yes, Hal, yes- I do! I was just terrified…that there was some lady who was better, more beautiful, someone who had everything I lacked that I…that I…that I wasn’t good enough for you…” you vented.

You hitched your breath. A thought chilled you and made your stomach watery with realization.

“Has…has there been…been another woman in your bed since…since…” you questioned.

“No, not since we were betrothed!”

There was a pause. He looked down at you, shifting you so your heads lay on the pillows- forcing you to look each other in the eye. He clutched both of your hands.

“ Y/N, there hasn’t been any other woman. And there won’t be any other woman. I wouldn’t want to break your heart. Nor risk your wrath either…”

He let out a smile and one of his half laughs that were so genuine, so human, so…so Henry…

“I think you made every person in court say their prayers! I’m even proud of you! You were a true queen, today!”

You took in a deep inhale and you let yourself smile. He traced the edge of your cheek gently.

“There are many maidens in our kingdom, but I swear I only kept my eyes on you. May I confide something to you, Y/N?”

You nodded.

“I never was good at talking to women anyway. Much less wooing them. You know I’m a terrible dancer and for the life of me, I cannot think of pretty, flowery verses. If we courted before we were betrothed and you didn't know who I was, you'd think I was a farmer instead! I am a man of plain speaking…so I will be plain and by default, I’ll always be faithful to you.”

You smiled at the sentence. But then it dropped.

“Henry, you do understand that I could at least be exiled for treason if I am unfaithful to you…” you explained.

“I do…” he confirmed.

“So of course I never allowed any other man into my bed…there’s been none for me either…and I won’t.” you confessed.

You touched his face and he leaned into it.

“I’m glad…” he commented.

You sniffled and wiped off your own tears. The urge to cry had melted away.

“We made oaths before God and the law to each other…as well as the court. We might as well keep them,” he said.

“Yes, we will…” you muttered.

You noticed out the corner of your eye that Sir Gwaine returned from under the bed, tail low and nose forward. He let out another meow right as there was a knock on the door.

“Your grace…the hour and a half are done!” a lady announced from beyond the door.

Henry shot up. He turned to you.

“Shall you keep my secret about the passageways?” he begged.

“Of course!”

He began to leave, you at his heels. He then revealed his secret that one wall hid a door. As he opened it, you practically pushed him through. But he kept a hand to prevent you from fully closing it.

“I will ask of you anon?” he asked.

“Yes, you may…”

“Your grace!” the lady's voice rang.

You turned your head and replied loudly.

“You may enter!”

Turning back to him, you began to close the door. Just before he vanished, he whispered.

“Farewell, Y/N.”

“Farewell, Henry.”

You closed and stood before it innocuously as the other ladies returned, cleaning up the pillows on the floor without question.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The Tenth Day

You saw him the next morning. You saw him eat quietly. You still felt raw from the crying yesterday and kept quiet even as his brothers and your family chatted. Plates had long since been emptied. Henry looked among the party and cleared his throat.

“I feel I am in need of some fresher air…” Henry announced.

The others turned their heads. Henry looked at you where you sat next to him.

“My lady, would you like to accompany me?” he asked.

"Yes," you responded demurely.

He raised an eyebrow.

“I trust it is my lady’s will….” he prodded.

“My lord, it is indeed,” you answered.

He turned to your parents and his brothers.

“Come, we all shall!” he invited.

The chairs squeaked as everyone got up. Henry stood and offered you an arm. You held onto it, keeping it at his side and feeling its warmth, its solidity. Henry’s page was at the door to give him his red cloak and gloves to keep warm as were your ladies to bundle you up. Once in your cloaks, again, Henry offered you his arm. Again, you accepted it. They followed the both of you outside, keeping at a steady distance. The sun was shining, it was a little warmer than normal for January. The pretty snow around the gardens had melted and there was nothing but depressing, dark mush and sad, dead plants.

“It should snow, then it would feel like winter,” you sighed.

A smile broke on Henry’s face. He looked out among the plants.

“Nay, I say it is Spring.” He said.

Blinking, you looked up at him.

“Spring? Why Spring?” you asked.

He paused in your steps. Your family and his came to a halt behind you. Then he took his gloved hands to clasp both of yours and raised it to his chin, and then spoke, looking at you with that same grin.

“Because the loveliest flower in England is right beside me and therefore, for me, it is spring.”

He then brought your hands and kissed first the left one and then the right one. You felt your own pulse pick up and despite the chill, your body became warm. You gave into his charm, a slight giggle escaping you as you covered your mouth once your hand was released and enjoyed the sensation of his lips on each hand. Your parents and his brothers gave each other a look at the scene and smiled.

You hadn't had a nicer walk in ages.