#bc apparently the one ive had this whole time is WRONG

[sunflowerrboyy]

can the emails stop finding me

[snekdood]

i think some ppl dont understand the difference between being full on consciously bigoted + going out of your way to harass a minority and someone who heard phrases from their friends and family while not actually holding any ill will towards whichever minority

[kookidough]

random rant about tbp tiktok cause i’m actually Sick of it at this point💆‍♀️💆‍♀️ these issues probably exist Outside of tiktok as well but i only ever see them on there so thats the platform i’m gna talk about

before you read i just wanna say warning for mentions of sa!!!!!

first of all i dont want to jump straight into the serious shit so the unoriginality is actually INSANE like ive been seeing the same jokes since 2022, can we Please get something funnier than “griffin does gymnastics / is a ceiling fan” 😭 the amount of times recently i’ll see a tbp tiktok and then get someone copying the idea and making the Same exact post like 3 scrolls later is insane like Pls can we be original Pls this movie is so sad i need something to laugh at

outside of being totally unoriginal some of the jokes tend to be Really Fucking Disgusting like straight up joking about assault, i shouldn’t even have to explain that thats not funny in the slightest?? this one person made a bunch of really gross ones and kept blocking people who called them out in the comment section, my friend had to dm them Several times and all they did was take down one post, the rest are still up with a ton of views :/ i know its like shock humour or dark humour or whatever but i dont see the ‘funny’ side of a grown man forcing himself onto a child and i think if youre laughing at that you should sit down and ask yourself why you think thats so funny.. people in the comments are always like “i shouldn’t laugh” so they Know its wrong as well which just ugh the whole thing just really gets on my nerves

another thing that gets on my nerves is the lack of media literacy and straight up spreading misinformation, maybe on the media literacy part i’m just a hater but i see so many questions being asked or theories being posed when all of the things mentioned were… literally answered in the movie?? “whats up with finney and gwen’s mother” it’s literally said in the movie that she has the same ability as gwen and she killed herself bc of it, next question, “why was max so interested in finding the missing boys” maybe because he was a coked up conspiracy theorist who saw a serious crime happening in his brother’s area so he decided to be a genuine concerned citizen who wanted these boys to be found💀 “why did the grabber kill max” because he had evidence of the highly awful crimes he’d been committing and was about to let his latest victim free?? the list goes on and on but those r the main ones i see all the time

as for the misinformation. Ough. it annoys me So much this is a hill i will die on😭 i dont know if its people’s half-baked theories or personal headcanons that just got way out of hand but i see so much stuff being spread that just Isnt true, it gets spread so far that when you google these things it appears as true when its not which is annoying !!! i actually was gonna make an entire rant about one theory in particular that pisses me off so bad but i can fit it in here alongside my list of “other theories presented as facts that i Absolutely Despise”

first theory, the one i was gonna make an entire post over, is the theory that vance is the grabber’s son. if i see one more tiktok of those two with that marina and the diamonds song im going to fucking lose it😭 i have no idea where people got this from but its so fucking popular that it comes up on google and i Hate it, i think it comes from the fact that in gwen’s dream sequence, which, might i add, WAS A DREAM, it looks like the police drop vance off outside the grabber’s house and he goes inside there, which… apparently automatically makes them related…?? it takes like one ounce of media literacy to realise that Obviously he’d be getting dropped off at his own house in real life, but as a ghost he’s centred on the place he died and is showing that house to gwen in her dreams, like how every other ghost shows that house to her. awful theory awful take i hate it, if its ur personal headcanon sorry but i do Not fw that

the other theories i have like. not much to say about other than the fact that they’re Not true, i see a lot of stuff about griffin for some reason? the number tends to change but a lot of ppl say “he was kept in the basement for 4 years” like . Huh. where is your proof???? i know the missing posters are insanely unreliable but if you literally read them griffin went missing on april 2nd and billy went missing on may 4th so highly likely griffin was only in the basement for like. a month at most, no idea where ppl are pulling 4 years out of💀 i also see people say griffin has broken legs or a broken back Just because of the first scene where we see him doing a backbend but . if that was the case then he wouldnt be able to stand with the other ghosts when they show gwen the house, i think the backbend was just the position he died in and thats why he first appeared that way to finney but Hey thats just my opinion! last two i have like no rants over but just. firstly people saying robin never made it to the basement for some reason but clearly he did otherwise his ghost would not be down there with the rest of them😭 secondly the theory that vance was kept there the longest “because he’s the most feminine” which. just makes absolutely zero sense to me whatsoever idk whos random headcanon got popularised but i dont like it

okay getting serious again, while this one does not make me angry its like. just really weird to me? i think its common knowledge at this point that both the book and the movie are inspired heavily by the john wayne gacy case, with the grabber literally being inspired by john wayne gacy himself (you Cannot argue with me on this one its literally confirmed and theres a boatload of evidence supporting it). i guess its natural to see people making comparisons between the movie and the case because of the inspiration but i’ve seen Several videos recently of people taking photos of jwg victims and putting them next to tbp characters and saying thats who theyre inspired by and i think thats . Really coming across as insensitive i cant lie😭 we know the grabber was inspired by jwg and its heavily thought that billy was inspired by johnny gosch but theres not much about the others and i think its just really distasteful to compare real life murder victims to fictional horror characters just to get views/likes on tiktok, it comes across as insanely disrespectful to me but idk i havent seen anyone else talking about it so i might just be being sensitive

last thing that really really bothers me is grabber simps. while i do see it on tiktok i see it on here, tumblr, most often and its… so odd to me…. like why are you thirsting over the paedophilic serial killer… so so strange to me… i want to see art and character analysis and silly little posts about all the characters but every time i open the tbp tag i’m jumpscared by someones weird ass grabber x reader oneshot and its SO GROSS get that shit away from me😭😭😭😭 also saw this one girl on tiktok one time whos literal entire account was dedicated to the grabber and she defended this by saying the sa in the movie was “just a theory” which is so victim blamey girl i do not trust you there is so much evidence for it in the movie, again w the media literacy point, just because something isnt directly shown to you doesnt mean it isnt shown in other subtler ways… anyway i get if people like the grabber as a villain but actually like. loving him and thirsting over him is weird as fuck to me

so um ya the fandom is a trainwreck can we go back to there being like 3 of us please and thank u. if you actually read all this then Wow thank you its literally just me being chronically online and ranting about stuff that doesn’t matter in the real world at all

[cringelordofchaos]

random craig tucker headcanons

has level 1 low support needs autism

gay (not a hc bt whaever.)

special interest is star trek and space in general

watching red racer every day is a routine he mustn't under almost any imaginable circumstance break

got some peruvian ancestry (from which parent's side? heck if i know) + knows a bittt of spanish

his family mostly goes without saying a word to each other during meals

when hes waiting outside the counselor's office for flipping off someone again he sits and either thinks about space or looks at images of stripe on his phone to ease any tension that migth be there

barely ever smiles except when stripe, space or tweek exist

closer to thomas than to laura

his parents taught him everythin ghe knows <33 (emotional constipation and invlulnerability but breaking the ice every one in a while)

sometimes just randomly infodumps about random facts about star strek or space or guinea pigs at the most random of times (actually canon as briefly shown in TFBW)

likes to learn / memorize random facts abt red racer, space, star trek or guinea pigs

random fact i almost mispelled guinea pigs every single time wtmf is wrong with me

for birthdays he mostly gets space-themed stuff cuz everyone knows he loves it

if hes overwhelmed, instead of having a meltdown he'll usually have a shutdown instead

sometimes rants to stripe abt stuff like relationship drama w tweek lmao

he actually liked the clothes he wore during the metrosexual fad, (evident by keeping them in his closet as shown in TFBW)

most emotion he shows is anger/being pissed off

"sooooooo happy" is actually a stim of his and it feels satisfying for him to say it every time hes sooo happy

even when hes sooo happy the most emotion he'll show is a faint smile

doesn't really smile in any pictures unless hes forced to

flipping people off for him is kinda like pushing people away and making them pissed off at him so he wouldnt need to care abt what they think of him and that way he sorta protects himself (mostly saying this bc of one of his attacks in tfbw)(i swear im sane)

hes sometimes overwhelmed from his relationship w tweek but he fucking sucks at communicating (his kryptonite in TFBW is literally communication) he didnt communicate that to tweek just yet (this is mostly shown in buddha box)(NOT SAYING CRAIG DOESNT CARE ABOUT TWEEK HE LOVES HIM HES JUST OVERWHELMED SOMETIMES FROM FEELING LIKE HES COMPLETELY RESPONIBLE FOR HIM ANDN OIEAHDKKSH leave him alone) i like to imagine tweek and craig resolve this at one point cuz im pretty sure they get married in the future and they always push through their struggles together and they rly need each other so .

u can point to a star n hell name it

has space themed pajamas

(StOLEN HC IdK FroM whO) has those glow in the dark stars in his room

i googled it sometime ago n apparently he has blue eyes ? idrc

his childhood dream was to become an astronaut (I FORGOT HOW TO SPELL IT I LITERALLY HAD TO GOOGLE IT I HATE MYSELF) but when he grew up he probably settled for something less extreme. idk what though

either got diagnosed w autism at age 10, in his teens, in his young adult years, or far afterwards, or never at all. when he was told by someone that he migth be autistic he didnt rly even bother to look it up or anything but if he did he would go like "idk i dont really think im autistic i dont think i do (x symtom) all that much" and tweeks like "You do that literally all the time !!!!". but yeah even if he gets diagnosed he doesnt rly end up taking any medication or specializzed therapy but he does gain a larger understanding of himself and how to handle things like shutdowns.)

really picky eater (cuz sensory issues)

hates wearing jeans or similiar uncomfy clothing so he wears exclusively sweatpants (again cuz of sensory issues)

his whole family is autistic actually ive decided so when mr mackey brings up the possibility of him being autistic laura and thomas deny it cuz all the symptoms he shows are what they do as well, andthyere obviously not autistic so neither can craig be.

sometimes he goes over to tweeks house completely unannounced and so does tweek (actuallycanon as shown in put it down)

0verwhelmed by the concept of emotions in general but his relationship w tweek forces him to confront that part of him he tries to avoid and forces him to open up a bit which is actually rly important

since tweek is on meth, he heavily lacks appetite and sometimes skips meals or just doesnt take care of himself enough. craig learns abt this (not the meth part cuz tweek doesnt know that eithrer) so he helps him eat enough food throughout the day so he doesnt fucken starve to death

replies to tweeks texts instantly (actually canon)

tolkiens best friend (canon according to the official south park wiki). clydes a closee second

clyde annoys the fuck out of him but in a friend teasing way and they both care abt each other obvu

i actually dont rly have hcs for him n tolkien sryyyy

jimmy makes the best remarks abt creek (canon)(in put it down he asks craig (when craig doesnt know why tweek isnt in school) "uh oh. trouble in paradise?" and in TFBW during a battle tweek tells craig smth like "ill be right with you super craig!" and jimmy says "OK, i guess illbe the third wheel." anyway live laugh jimmy)

extremely blunt pessimist (canon)

despite his reputation as a troublemaker hes actually a decently polite kid (minus the constant flipping off)

barely goes out the house or does anything exciting. nice n boring. just the way he likes it.

hates changes or sudden surprises or his routine being broken

on the verge of being diagnosed w oppositional defiance disorder

sometimes wears black nail polish (again cuz in tfbw its kinda implied he liked the metrosexual fad n black nail polish migth be a more neutral form of such self expression)(mostly self projecting here)

tumblr user

during one pride month thomas went all out and bought craig a shitton of pride themed merch that he mostly doesnt use

he loves loves lovess seeing tweeks smile !!!1!! hes like omfg finally hes getting a fucking break (tweeks life is a fucking mess)

appears unphased by some stuff even when hes really uncomfortab;le

sometimes sleeps without pillow ehn he deems it more comfortable

deals w some form of small anxiety, not to a disordered amount thogh

maybee has depression ?!? idk

dated a girl in the past cuz he thought he was supposed to, but he felt like "she was holding him back". overall he didnt give a fuck abt their breakup cuz he didnt really care that much abt the relationship and when others questioned him abt it he was confused and didnt know most ppl were heartbroken after a breakup. (sorry i love early craig being a gay mess in denial)

sometimes cartman calls him a pocoyo rip off and each time he feels the strongest urge to either decapitate or defenestrate him

before he n tweek got together he would joke to tolkien abt how he was gonna propose to him when they grew up so he could live off his wealth and not have to work for any money. (SORRY i got this concept from a webcomic (the four of them))

he n tweek send heart emojis to each other (implied)

mostlyyy dry texter (he doesnt mean to)

at one point he n tweek buy a pair of guinea pigs for stripe to befriend and craig names them castor and pollux

he n tweek get married in the future

mostly likes dry, tasteless and cold food (There r obviously exceptions thats why i said mostly)

says and intreprerts things more literally than most

still sarcastic at times

hates huge social events with too many people and noiises

used to blend in well and fit in w mob mentality but doesnt really care anymore

it wont let me write anymo

[justjensenanddean]

Jensen Ackles and Jeffrey Dean Morgan | New Jersey Convention, Main Panel (April 16, 2023)

(x)

“hey dad! times been good to ya” (x)

when jensen and danneel had crushes on each other but were tied up with other people jensen wrote her a note that said “not now. but someday” and she still has it (x)

jdm was on jensens first date with danneel bc JENSEN INVITED HIM BC HE HAD NO IDEA IT WAS A FIRST DATE (x)

jensen: jdm got off a motorcycle in slomo and i saw hilarie’s jaw on the floor. she had no idea who he was (x)

fan: fav backstage moment from cons jdm: when i told everyone i was having a daughter bc i wasnt supposed to  (x)

jensen: when we announced the end of spn and at SDCC there were 7000 people and i told jared “take this in. this is it”  (x)

*everyone arguing over an answer* jensen; glad we figured that out. great job jdm: im still confused (x)

jensen got in trouble for sharing info abt a project last con so he will not be saying ANYTHING (x)

fan; SOLDIER BOY COMING BACK? jensen: uh…….no comment  (x)

theyre talking about their daughters jdm: mine will be the death of me jensen: one will be the death of me and the other will take care of me jdm; mine will be twerking over my grave jensen: HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW DADDY  (x)

.@JDMorgan : the year I did #Supernatural and Grey's Anatomy changed my life #SPNNJ (x)

.@JensenAckles getting the part of Tony in West Side Story in high school was life changing - after his baseball coach talked him into doing it. (x)

(x)

the drama teacher at Jensen’s school wanted him to be in the spring musical and his baseball coach was like “you’ve played with me for three years. go give this a shot i promise we’ll be in the front row”  (x)  a talent scout was at the play and told jensen that he had it and he should come to LA and he went “lol take a hike” (x)  THE ROLE WAS TONY IN WEST SIDE STORY!!! and his whole baseball team was like “woah ” (x)

jensen: getting into the industry is harder now that it was back then jdm: i dont even know how to get an agent now jensen: yeah dont ask us for advice  (x)

Question: Jensen, what was your favorite thing about soldier boy? JDM: the codpiece. *crowd laughs* JDM: sorry, I thought you were asking me.  (x)

the boots soldier boy wore on the show are the same ones that dean wore on spn. they’re called carolinas  (x)

jensen: jdm texted me when i was getting fitted and he was immediately like “SHOW ME THE COD PIECE” and i was like “perfect timing i have five of them lined up which one” AND JDM SAID “PICK THE BIGGEST ONE” (x)

fan; nash was amazing. is there hope for touring in the future for radio co? jensen: thanks it took a lot of drugs jdm: he’s not lying  (x)

jensen: touring might be aggressive but anything is on the table  (x)

jdm: i watched it online and i remember texting you being like “what the fuck is going on that was amazing” (x)

jensen looked at steve and said “this is a bad idea we should leave” right before going on bc louden swain KILLED and they didnt wanna follow that  (x)

.@JensenAckles : even tho it was a vengeful mission, John set out to right a wrong. In The Winchesters we wanted to show John before that trauma.  (x)

jensen says the pilot of spn “holds up today”  (x)

fan: whats your fav format to play in (movies, tv, voice acting, etc) jdm; whatever has the best writing. we knew supernatural was going to be good by the first ep (x)

jensen turns towards tv bc he doesnt know where it’ll go and where it will end (x)

jensen: ive done soap operas and that was 20-24 pages of dialogue a day (x)

APPARENTLY ONE TIME JENSEN TAPED JEFF’S DIALOGUE TO HIS CHEST AND HE WAS LIKE “WE GOTTA GET THROUGH THE DAY LOOK AT MY TITS”  (x)

JENSEN TALKING ABOUT FRIENDS AND HE YELLS “PIVOT” (x)

jensen: i heard “anyway you want it” in the car and almost got out before the second chorus hit bc i thought i was late for stage (x)

fan: go to karaoke song? jensen: have u ever done karaoke? jdm: never in my life. i think you asked me once and i said “goodnight 👋🏻 ” jensen: right but it was more like “goodnight 🖕🏻  (x)

(x)

[jemmo]

his man 3 ep 9 + 10

consider me gagged. literally gagged. i tried so hard to avoid spoilers all day and im so glad i did bc wow ep 10 alone had changed so much for me. like i had to grab my laptop to write this so i could type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. anyway.

and let me start off with what im a little less invested in, which is the youngjoon and myeongkyun situation. i was busy on holidays for a couple of weeks when this was picking up so didn't write about my thoughts, but it was safe to say i was more on youngjoon's side, not a staunch hater of myeongkyun but bc i liked youngjoon a lot at the start and also feel for the frustration of someone giving vague answers when you're trying to talk something else bc man ive been there. but with this conversation, it puts myeongkyun's behaviour in such a different light thats easier for me to understand and empathise with. like... if you were invested in a relationship that ended vaguely but you always kept some amount of hope alive all this time, only to be met with percieved coldness and harshness when you see that person again, i see why you'd tense up, which explains why he always seemed somewhat uncomfortable in the house. and i also understand why he seemed to 'pester' youngjoon, bc he's either conciously or uncounciously defaulting back to the dynamic and level of friendliness they had before. for youngjoon, he easily ended a relationship he thought neither party was too interested in, only to still be contacted by that person and then have that person pester you in the house. like that seems like someone who is trying to get at an ex. for myeongkyun, this is all a much longer process of him coming to terms with the fact that yes, he was more invested in this relationship and yes, he maintained some level of feelings and hope they'd come back together, and seeing him having to face the fact that he was the only one thinking that and whatever he was holding on to never mattered... ngl i cried a bit. the fact is him and youngjoon just are different when it comes to dating, youngjoon is very hot from the go, but if he feels nothing in return he backs off with nothing lost, whereas myeongkyun takes a lot longer to develop, realise and then admit his feelings, and so you can easily see how these two people would misunderstand each other. and i also wanna say how interesting i find myeongkyun's presentation and journey on the show. he came in with this big impact both bc of him being presented as this handsome and confident guy and bc he had a history with youngjoon. together, its easy to jump to the conclusion that myeongkyun was the one who did something to youngjoon or was in the wrong, when that wasn't actually the case at all. it also makes me wonder what kind of myeongkyun we wouldve gotten if youngjoon wasnt also there. would we have gotten this confident hottie? bc i think, bc youngjoon was there and all of this history was brought up (history of a first relationship by the way!! no wonder it got to him so much), making him face it revealed a much softer and more sensitive side of him that mightve taken longer had this not all happened, which in a twisted way im glad of bc it means he can now get closer with other people, and im interested to see how he will shift now, if we'll be able to see this goofy side of him but a lot more carefree. anyway, all of this is to say i ended up liking myeongkyun more than i thought bc suprise suprise, people are a lot more complicated than they first appear. and honestly... i might like him more than youngjoon now, but dont tell me from 3 weeks ago that.

and now to the juicier stuff. this whole love triangle that is apparently turning square. i really dont know how to put my thoughts into words bc im somehow both sad and happy?? i guess i wanna say there's people im happy for and people im sad for. first of all im sad for hwi, but also really glad this conversation at the end of ep 10 was had. we've seen too many examples on this show of people not knowing how to give up on pursuing people, and even more examples of people that are poor at communicating where their interest lies and letting people down when its needed, so this made me happy. after how overwhelmed he was in earlier eps, im glad seongmin is feeling some clarity, even if i disagree but we'll get to that and i guess its his feelings that matter, and im glad he communicated clearly where he's at. but man did my heart break for hwi during that chat. there's that youthful passion and naivety to his feelings for seongmin that just feels horrid and cruel to squash, but also necessary, and i will very much second seongmin and seungjin's sentiment that he can date other people and should know that seongmin is not the only person in the world for him. in this season, it seems people have so quickly and easily found their one person they want to commit to and easily formed couples, but that doesnt mean they're right, nor does it mean that's the only person for them, and the show seems to be encouraging them away from this too. hwi was just so enamoured by seongmin, it feels like he found someone that he thought was absolutely perfect, and so letting go of that feels impossible. but for me too, i did love them together, it was so sweet and cute at the start, but things can and do change and when they do, we all need to realise it doesn't lessen anything that happened. for those couple of days, everything they felt was genuine and they were happy and that can still be remembered fondly while mourning the fact that you won't have that same happiness with that person again.

and i also wanna say im kind of sad for jaeseung. i said just that i was happy about this clarity seongmin has now, but for jaeseung, i feel sad that he just seems so on edge all the time, like how people can be on the edge of getting angry all the time, except for him it feels like he'll spiral into his worst thoughts at the simplest things. like when hwi would talk about jaeseung, yes he'd be mad and jealous, but until the end of this ep, it didn't feel that deep, like he'd joke about getting mad but i wouldn't feel that much tension. and yes while hwi did get more frustrated in these eps, for a lot longer jaeseung has been so tightly strung and will so easily get mad just when he sees hwi and seongmin together. and im like... yes ok get jealous whatever, but you can't actually get that mad when he's equally entitled to spend time with the person he likes and try to win him over. and if its bc he really does like seongmin that much then im sorry but i don't think jealously to that much of a level is sweet. you aren't a thing yet, so just take a minute and breathe bc at the end of the day, seongmin and hwi will feel and behave however you want and thats out of your hands. and i know on some level its bc he's jealous of the fact that hwi is able to express his feelings so openly and blatantly while jaesung cant, like that is what he always focuses his frustration on as if hwi doing that is bad when actually its just completely within his right and jaeseung is equally allowed to express his feelings. plus i hate to say it but i just dont feel seongmin and jaeseung's chemistry yet. if i see it later on then im more than happy to change my mind but their date was so bland and matter of fact, they don't share any interests, and since that date there's been nothing that's made me vibe with them as a couple. it feels convenient instead of something that started with feelings but hey, if genuine feelings do develop i will stand corrected, but all i say is just bc something seems like it should be right, doesnt mean it actually is.

and my final piece of happiness will of course be for seungjin bc as much as im sad about hwi losing seongmin... hwi and seungjin has so much potential to be the perfect friends to lovers to put bridgerton s3 to shame. i just think theyre fantastic together, they get on so easily and match each other's vibe so well and i'd be so happy if something developed, but i dont want to get too excited bc hwi has been so focused on seongmin that i don't know if or how his interests for others will develop now.

but all in all i liked these eps, ep 10 especially, and im very interested to see how this new love square will resolve (remember, polyamory exists too)

[the-gayest-show]

WOFTFI 2023 Review (+ Arc Thoughts Ish)

as a small intro, ive been getting into smg4. A guilty pleasure almost, but uhhh the smg4 merch looks banger af so uhhhh uhhh (also mr puzzles this was his fault too)

watching the puzzlevision arc is great and im doing it in the order prescribed by the smg4 wiki bc fans know best.

anyways im finished the movie and i want to review this thing because i have Thoughts (spoilers under the cut since idk if anyone in this fandom cares [i dont interact with it at all atm] but i do):

I LOVED IT HAHAHA!!!!

I dont really know much about SMG4’s other arcs and previous versions of this movie (i watched like maybe 3 r64 episodes before this, feel free to flame me for it) but this movie was damn good.

though i havent watched the livestream in which apparently all the decisions were made, i find it so interesting that the fans got to choose how the movie went! I love this idea of experimenting with audience feedback and it’s genuinely made for a fun movie!

Like the few smg4 movies, ive watched prior (western spaghetti and its gotta be perfect), the style of animation is good! Ive read thru yt comments that say this is a step up from what it used to be before and such and im inclined to believe it!

Meme stuff aside, THE RAP SONG WAS SUCH A CERTIFIED BANGER AND WE GOT MEGGY SINGING (Elsie Lovelock, great actor btw) JDKSJEKEN AND MARIO GOT A SINGING VOICE THIS SHIT WAS A GENUINE BANGERRRRR I LOVED ITTTT

The battles were fun and action packed and the whole “spy rizz” meter was a great aspect! If i were a fan back then and i voted, it wouldve been so fun to see whether i chose right or wrong! Great fun!

i like the relationship development of smg3 and 4. Genuinely i love their dynamic a lot and seeing the development even if its just screentime is like enrichment to me (i ship them too now. Getting gay married would solve their problems /silly /hj)

i like how in the end smg3 DOES care for smg4 and crew and moved in closer to them (one criticism: i may be stupid but it took me wayyyy longer than needed to realize smg3 wasnt actively living in the showgrounds before this ? He appeared so often its like he lived there but he lived in that weird ahh starbucks still? Crazy.)

the notebook had a doodle of smg4 and 3 sharing coffee 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

i also like the mr puzzles foreshadowing here (call it foreshadowing when his face gets revealed for real in this movie). Generally, what ive noticed is that every time mr puzzles related shit happens, its got that stupid music attached to it. A motif. (I cant get that shit out of my head) and how the puzzlevision logo appears too. In this movie it made a glitched appearance and the theme is once again burned into my brain.

Knowing exactly what mr puzzles sounds like, the voice distortion on his voice was cool as fuck. So was that wall break. Crazy shit.

Overall 10/10, will continue watching this arc and eventually ill go backwards in continuity and watch the other arcs (feel free to roast me for this decision but mr puzzles brainrot and i was unable to not think about the puzzle vision parts I DID watch.)

[kae-karo]

is it bad I want to see your other ideas anyway-- adsagkljdslkgj. HOW MANY WIPS DO YOU HAVE actually scratch that I cant say shit because I have a kise wip in progress rn oops-- cant wait for your rnis work to drop <3<3<3

ahahhahaha no no ur so valid!!! for context (x) i'll do uhhh a quick synopsis below the cut for anyone who's interested in what i didn't mention over on twt !!! and i'll talk abt wips too LMAO i love a good excuse to talk abt what i'm working on. and omg dw u are so valid !!!!! and i take no offense i am always in wip hell (affectionate) (i like having things to jump around between so i never get too frustrated if i get stuck somewhere)

if any of yall see anything below that ur super into, let me know!! always cool to know what people are hyped about, may influence what i work on next lmao

first, wips!!

as mentioned i have a rnis fic which is VERY very loosely based on the concept from this post (x) ft background ryusae lsjdffsd cause i apparently can't write a fic without them

also if ur a fan of the mall au (x) i'm currently posting, u will be thrilled to know that i am neck-deep in part 2 which will feature sendou (some ryusaesen but endgame aikusenbarou), charles (one-sided pining for shidou + endgame niko/charles), isagi (kaisagi and some bachisagi), and karasu (tabieita fake dating flavor) !!!!

ryusae praise kink gone wrong !!!!! i love the way shidou is so complimentary of others and i Bet he has a praise kink himself and i just think that sae'd pick up on that and (completely on accident) say smth that rly hits on something shidou's actually sensitive about (like, smth he's self-conscious about that sae compliments) and it turns the whole 'about to hook up' vibe into smth rly soft and tender

ouuuuu ryusae Again but this time, sae got machine-ified at a young age to basically be used as an enhanced human processor for a research facility (where he's basically always hooked up to wires and whatnot, processing research data etc) and shidou's the new maintenance person assigned to take care of him :)

i think i mentioned in passing that i had some other ideas for spinoffs of the kaisagi counterspell fic (x) but i have actually started working on the initial ryusae spinoff which is a getting-back-together vibe where shidou broke it off bc sae couldn't accept the idea that shidou might like him just...for him, so he used shidou as a test subject for various spells he was developing in an effort to push him away

ryusae Again i swear i think abt charas that aren't sd and se lmaoooo this one's fully just pwp and my ovipos kink + shidou with tentacles :)

ough a longfic idea that i wrote a little bit of the start of that's ryurin but i think i need to rethink the actual dynamics of their relationship bc i might prefer platonic ryurin (like,,,,relationship but not romantic) but high school au with rin who's crushing on kaiser (bear with me) bc he thinks kaiser's so Cool and Punk only for kaiser to start changing his behavior bc he's crushing on sae who is very Uncool and Preppy (in rin's eyes) only to find out that sae's annoying friend shidou is actually very cool and punk and likes the same music etc etc chaos ensues

ryukai i just think they should be messy together and the line "are you seriously hard right now" felt hilariously perfect to make kaiser say to shidou. while they're watching rnis fight on field. i think this one includes some repressed kaisagi emotions on kaiser's part tho so i have to think abt how deep or not deep i wanted to go with those

kise spinoff of spellbound (x) the ryukuro fic !!!! that goes into detail on when sae first showed up at the castle and how he ended up staying

and then tbh i have a number of other wips that i refuse to say ive abandoned but also i have not touched in a While (zhongli x kaeya/childe/diluc/aether, bakutodo boarding school au, a kunigiri i halfway rewrote when i found out i accidentally completely deleted a kncg fic i wrote that couldn't be recovered)

and then other ideas asdkfjklsfdj

isagibowl actor au that i did not delve into plot wise any further than that lmaoooo frankly i just think i need to write isagibowl at some point cause that boy deserves to FUCK

my cousin's best man at his wedding gave a speech abt how my cousin FORGOT WHO HE WAS after they'd already met and been on like. the same baseball team or smth and idek what ship this would be (probs smth with rin or sae) but it made me laugh so hard i had to write it down

sae who Refuses to form attachments with anyone and hooks up with many people (this is labeled in my notes as 'sae using whoever as basically a dildo' and frankly i'm right)

everyone in ng11 having a tattoo so sae has a tramp stamp. idk if it's when he acquires the tattoo or what but i just think i should write abt it

siren sae ryusae this is a GREAT idea i should rly write this but siren sae who gets captured on purpose to bait someone on the ship into going overboard (ofc it ends up being shidou that he fixates on) and eventually he succeeds and nearly kills shidou except shidou's just looking at him like he sees sae and not some Evil Creature and sae's just like. fuck. and doesn't kill him, just tosses him up on some beach which is a pain in the ass cause no legs and then shidou finds him again and sae tries to scare him off by being all demon siren like and shidou is just ENAMORED

throat goat shidou ryurin where shidou'll give basically anyone head and most of the pxg guys have taken him up on it. rin hasn't (but he will :) )

another nontraditional fic format concept where sae keeps detailed records of everyone he's slept with, notes on preferences kinks how good/not good the sex was etc etc in like. a Form format

o i'm redacting this one cause i decided to use this idea for an original story instead lmao

noaego outsider pov "i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me" based right before noa goes to bllk to coach the bm team i just think noa's poor therapist would be so exasperated abt him going back to his ex like that

ryurin neighbors au where rin can see in shidou's window and that guy is ALWAYS half-naked and doesn't have/doesn't close his blinds/curtains and rin gets so fed up with it that he leaves a note on the door except then he swears it's happening MORE often, chaos ensues and rin goes over to Confront the guy. horny chaos ensues :)

kaisagi pov of fanfic writer hiori where kaiser's desperately trying to figure out what the hell is happening with all this fic stuff. bachira keeps sending isagi kaisagi fic from his fave author (hiori, not that he knows that) and isagi ends up reading it (out of morbid curiosity ofc !!!!) unsure of the resolution but it would be very cracky i think

saesagi my beloved but it's a seat chat fic bc i'm unwell about seat chat on airplanes. anyway 12yo isagi finds out he's on a plane with ITOSHI SAE (13yo, when he got scouted for real madrid) and sends him a seat chat message just talking about how amazing a player he is etc. ffw however many years and sae is lowkey obsessed with him (maybe in a 'his encouragement is what got sae through some of his darkest times in madrid' sort of way)

ryusae it's always ryusae lmao pop idol sae and budding makeup artist shidou. sae's notorious for being insanely picky abt his makeup (brands, application, style, etc) and regularly fires new artists. at some point, he fires one right before he's supposed to go on stage, calls kaiser in (old friends, and kaiser did his makeup before kaiser made it big & started his own company) and kaiser's like just this once, then i'm sending you someone else. and sends over the guy that barged into his office trying to get a job with no credentials or pro experience or references (aka shidou lmao)

ryusae (again, i know) trans camboy shidou and very invested watcher sae, but it's set in canon, and that's actually part of why sae picked shidou for the u20 game

ryusae (i knOW) where shidou wakes up multiple times to sae fucking him (or riding him, blowing him, etc) and he's like. pretty boy. I wanna be involved in this, wake me up next time. and sae is like rly cautious and hedgy abt it. won't say why but could go lots of ways - he thinks he wants it too often and shidou will find him annoying, he's still struggling to say when he wants smth, etc

ryukai dying each other's hair. bonus points if they both end up with purple tips

ryucha where charles clocks shidou's boner on field and follows him into the locker room to get dicked down about it

kise based vaguely (plot whomst we don't know her) on not the one by movie night (x)

kaisagi fwb i typed 'ypichi' in a fic on accident and published it not noticing the typo and i think kaiser would typo isagi's name and then put him in his phone as 'y🍑y' which would irritate isagi to no end. other than that, plot whomst?

rin&sae 2nd person pov fic about destroying your brother's dreams or smth along those lines. i have like. one starting line to potentially use here lsdjfklfs

either ryusae (iKNOW okay i know) or rinsagi based on i like me better by lauv (specifically the spotify studio recording version) (x) where they're just being. so unbearably soft for each other

rinsagisae based on in the middle by dodie (x) idk which one would be the ex of isagi's but i have written ryurinsae before and i wld rly like to try my hand at rinsagisae as well

ryukai i am deeply obsessed with them both having this core motivator of 'proof of existence' and i think that could be a fun idea to incorporate into a pwp fic

this is so important to me i need to write an h2o fic some day and i think it being about sae, isagi, and kaiser getting mer'd would be the best way to hit on all the relationships and dynamics i would want to explore

phew. okay. sldkfjklsfdjsfd. hey if u made it this far, thanks for checking this out !!! i think i unironically have another 11 fics i've finished that are in the queue to post over the next couple months so hopefully u will enjoy those as well!

and hey if any of these sounded particularly interesting (or any of the ideas i mentioned on my twt thread - x) feel free to let me know!! no promises, but i could possibly be steered toward certain ideas over others once i'm done with this rnis fic lmao

[rollercoasterwords]

Yes yes yes to all of your points about jegulus and the capitalism of fandom as a whole. I find the whole thing so interesting in a mildly terrifying way lmao

One thing I’ve noticed with jegulus on TikTok that I’ve never really registered seeing with another ship (tho I could obviously be wrong, thx algorithm) is that people advertise their fics in a way I’ve not really seen before in forms of countdowns and trailers pre posting. And yes be proud of what you’ve created, I am the biggest supporter of tooting your own horn but sometimes it feels a little… off to me. Like almost like people are viewing fic writing as becoming ‘content creators’ and trying to go viral with these pieces of work in the same way that art and TikToks goes viral. And with the marauders and jegulus in particular being such a TikTok heavy fandom (as you pointed out in your essay) maybe that’s why it’s more apparent, because a lot more people interacting with this subsection of the fandom have been ‘raised’ (for lack of a better word) to view the internet as a place where the point is to go viral and become well known, so to create art for the sake of creation is an entirely alien concept. So why would you not make a trailer for your story and post it half a dozen times to TikTok?

And then pair that with jegulus having fewer works than bigger ships which means that the ‘bigger’ fics are known and read by the majority, which ultimately means that people have a better chance of going ‘viral’ if they post a story with that pairing compared to wolfstar where the competition is higher.

I’ve never really kept a track of these fics that are advertised and hyped up before chapters are posted, but I would be interested in how many are abandoned if and when the author doesn’t get a barrage of kudos and comments, and the subsequent serotonin boost with it.

Sorry this ask doesn’t really have much of a point or direction, (and I’m not even sure if it even made much sense ☠️) it’s just something I’ve been noticing with increasing frequency recently and I was wondering if you had any thoughts, as you write your points and arguments so well!!

anon i literally want to kiss u on the mouth u brought up sooooo many good points!! yes i have so so so many thoughts about this maybe i need to make a separate post bc like....ive talked so much about the way that like. people interact as readers with the like tiktok/social media/influencer mindset but ive definitely seen it crop up with people who write fanfic too. and the thing is bc there aren't really cleanly delineated boundaries between readers + writers of fanfic (like....most of the writers are also readers, and many of the readers are also writers) it definitely comes from both sides.

i think for anyone who has like. internalized this mentality that art must be validated by an audience to be worthwhile and that you can only be Seen by turning urself into content for consumption it's very easy to approach fanfiction with a mindset stuck in a consumer economy. and like. that isn't a moral failing, because we are literally all being conditioned to think of any creative pursuit as something that is only worthwhile if it can be turned into Profitable Content. but i DO think it's important to recognize when we're falling into that mindset, because fanfiction is so antithetical to it. and also just like....i don't think any of these people who are approaching fanfiction with this underlying idea that they need to curate an audience for validation will be able to find deep or lasting joy, because if your primary motivation in writing is just to get as many eyes on it as possible, then like....idk. it will never be enough. there will always be someone with a more popular story, with more people reading it.

and like. i actually mentioned this in my little tiktokification essay that escaped confinement, and i got a bunch of responses of people in the tags or reblogs going "there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to share your work and wanting people to read it!!!" and i was like...i didn't say there was anything wrong with it?? i said if your primary motivation in creating art is just to get as many eyes on it as possible, you probably will not find lasting joy in the creation of that art. so :/

anyway now i think i want to write another essay so thank u for that anon lmao

[jihyocentric]

hi hi hi lumi im here!! i saw the last answer u did for my last ask and ive been meaning to respond but i've just had no time and been a bit stressed so it took me a bit, and im sorry abt that, but im here now!!

nahyo really is just a couple of possessive codependent losers and yknow what i think they're perfect like that. and so does jeongyeon apparently lksjfklsd

no but i can totally see jeongyeon loving what nahyo have but also being nervous to intrude, especially with how her and jihyo started off on the wrong foot but watching nayeon give jihyo her little lesson abt jealousy definitely helps improve it

awwww for nayeon it goes: bff jeongyeon to roommate/crush of my dog jeongyeon to girlfriend #2 jeongyeon that's actually adorable

all the jealousy is def gonna lead to some MAD sexual tension on all sides i think that's perfect

and there we have it that's 3mix yall!!

-🐶 (im really tired rn so sorry if this isnt as extensive as some of my other asks but i promise im seeing them and appreciating them!! <33)

oh things will get steamy between jeonghyo for sure! but right now all i can think about is fluff... and about being busy it's just like i've said before, don't worry about it, take your time and take care of yourself anonie!!

took a bit longer to answer this bc now that i'm free from college i've been resting (and by resting i mean playing too much genshin impact)... yes i am ashamed.

but here's a little jeonghyo thingy in puppy!hyo au 🤍 late thanksgiving hc i guess!

-

jihyo has been trying hard to like jeongyeon.

jeongyeon's loud laugh still scares her, but she was sure she'd get used to it just like she did with nayeon's. jihyo's ears are sensitive, but she still finds it the cutest thing when nayeon laughs loudly, and punches her shoulder, so maybe jihyo could accept jeongyeon being loud that as well. after promising to nayeon, jihyo really started to try and accept jeongyeon as a whole.

the thing is that nayeon was never a nuisance, and jihyo never had to learn how to like her. even when she was still getting used to living with nayeon, jihyo has never felt bothered by nayeon's unique personality, always head over heels for her. sana and momo, nayeon's friends, never scared her either, so jihyo didn't know why jeongyeon triggered her that much. apart from her being jealous of jeongyeon with her owner, that is.

after weeks trying to accept jeongyeon's presence, jihyo would still go after nayeon when her owner had to answer the door. jihyo could sense jeongyeon's presence from afar, and she had to check her scent each time, so that she knew there was no threat and jeongyeon could go inside their home with her approval.

"are you going to do this every time?" jeongyeon asks jokingly, not moving an inch while jihyo reached closer, sniffing her clothes.

jihyo moves away, happy with her little research. jeongyeon still smelled like jeongyeon. nothing different, which meant there were no threats that jihyo could sense or other people's scents in her. jeongyeon's scent was strong and present, one of the best jihyo had ever found in a human. nayeon's was still better, sweet and acidic just the right amount. too bad that jihyo and mina were the only ones with a sense of smell sharp enough to notice those things.

"she likes it." nayeon comments, pointing at jihyo's wagging tail. jihyo quickly tries to prevent her own body from exposing her feelings, but the attempt is useless. "what did you bring for us?"

"pumpkin pie for your sweet puppy," jeongyeon says, charming. jihyo looks at nayeon and pouts. jeongyeon was cheesy and only nayeon could call her puppy. maybe sana too, but it always made jihyo flustered and nayeon didn't like it one bit.

"don't say that. 'puppy'. that's for me only." nayeon pats jeongyeon's shoulder. "let's get inside, sana and momo are here already."

jeongyeon frowns but accepts nayeon's request. jihyo moves to sit on sana's lap, a bit bored after playing with mina and momo the entire evening and not being able to put together the lego figure that was supposed to be formed once all of the pieces were in place.

"hey there, cutie," sana coos at jihyo, allowing the puppy to rest on her lap. jihyo could be clingy, and that's when she was the most adorable. at least that's what sana always thought. unlike mina, who could be very picky at times, jihyo was always up for a good cuddle.

nayeon was setting the dining table by the time jeongyeon came from the kitchen. for jeongyeon's luck, sana gets called by mina to help her and momo with the legos, and jihyo no longer has her warm lap to sit on. instead of waiting for nayeon, jihyo looks at the only lap available, and it happens to be jeongyeon's.

"'m going to sit here." jihyo states rather than asking. jeongyeon is taken aback, but she certainly doesn't refuse jihyo's approach, letting nayeon's puppy sit on her lap. "you're warmer than sana," jihyo mutters, her head falling back against jeongyeon's shoulder, body relaxing.

it is certainly a surprise for nayeon when she goes into the living room and finds jihyo sleeping on her best friend's lap, ears twitching and tail swishing softly, as if she's dreaming. she looks at them fondly for minutes and almost forgets to call them for dinner.

[shopcat]

bear with me for a sec let’s leave the inconsistent writing room aside and take it all in. kinda crazy to Me that steve in s1 is just regular douchy (at least for time period?) . he said a slur without putting his heart into it he liked a girl and lashed out and went to apologize and his friends are also douchy because hes handsome and lives in a big house and his parents are also douchy. BUT THEN in s2 steve is revealed to apparently be “king steve”?? like yeah u could say billy is exaggerating for the drama but like. s2 says steve wasnt just regular douchy he was Popular and Liked and everything. king steve. and s3 has him so completely removed from that in his striking out with girls and being friends with kids behaviour but robin is like yeah i had so much angst about you because the girl i liked liked You. and it’s like yeah he was king steve and girls liked him and he was regular douchy but also apparently what was most annoying about him to robin was the way he ate bagels in the morning. and s4 steve interacts with eddie and eddie says it blows my mind that youre an actual good dude. and he jumped him with a bottle but as a reflex and let go of him and jumped after him in a lake and wasn’t even mean to him the whole time. like robin was arguably meaner than him when he was clearly more of a target for the Jocks. and even then she wasn’t even mean to him either. like that’s crazy a little bit that he’s like a douchy dude but he just liked his girl but also actually hes The douchy dude but they dont actually ever mention anything douchy hes done that’s worse than what he did on screen. and the whole time he’s just a little bitchy as a treat. as a character trait. it’s like the writers keep adding stuff to his character season after season which yeah thats how character works in media but instead of unlayering an onion it’s like they’re adding rooms to a house. without ever entering the house btw tangent line but it’s so funny to Me a little bit that we’ve never even seen steve’s parents or heard their voices or anything like do we even know their names. like for all we know they’re both redheads and tall and wear glasses or whatever. that’s crazy. and like i may not remember everything that’s ever been said or shown on screen so all of what ive just said might be incorrect but like !!! still. this is so funny steve was Ultimate Mean Girl of high school hierarchy and he just Ate Bagels and Vandalized A Theater Then Lost A Fight that one time. what’s wrong with him !!!! i love him.

i think one time i said he was so popular bc he looks so much like a little dog with big brown eyes and everyone's just like Awwww ... Steve... and lets him get away with murder for it but the murder ends up being like throwing something at the garbage can and it doesn't make it in and so he doesn't pick it up and that's a metaphor. no it isn't.

i do think this is just a natural byproduct of them admitting they have no idea what to do with steve so they just keep adding and adding to this character they're building that's somehow seperate from the one we've actually seen ourselves and they do have this habit of trying to establish things through ... someone just SAYING it alone as if that at the end of the day amounts to anything. like how we're supposed to just be like eddie and dustin are sooo close because they Said So but we never actually SEE that and it ends up falling a little flat if you don't have this like pre-established fondness and leniency for the character which you shouldn't probably have to have... in a tv show... Show Don't Tell and all.

and honestly at this point i just find it funny that robin hated him for petty reasons and decided to tell him when they thought they were gonna die and eddie thought he was a douchebag from a distance or something after sharing one whole school year with him. i think it might be accidentally realistic to depict these silly highschool dramas of GOD you SUCKED so much because you got food everywhere and hung out with annoying people, because in highschool everything is amped up to 300 like that!! but the thing is they're not IN highschool or at least HE'S not in highschool they're not shithead teenagers anymore they should be moving on from this but it's like a stuck record atp. the gap between hs/graduating/being a teenager -> getting a job/college prospects ig and becoming a young adult and independent is one of the most difficult times of someone's LIFE and it's like they're TRYING to show this with steve but keep failing bc they're not actually going for "20 year old trying to find his place in the world" they're going for "peaked in highschool ex-popular jock boy who keeps #failing and is getting a #reality check" and it ends up coming off like. i don't know. ill formed i guess. he is being constantly punished for a past so heinous such as "was sort of mean with two significant spikes in meanness that he immediately apologised for, got comeuppance for in the form of getting his shit rocked and has spent at this point years apologising to random bystanders for" but now he's atoning for the act of just Being a teenager and will do so for the next 5 years of his life for some reason because all the complexity they give him is entirely accidental on their part and they don't know how to live up to it </3 in season 5 someone's going to come up to him and be like "you know... my daughter saw your little stunt at the movie theatre... she's traumatised now. you're fine now but you were a real DOUCHEBAG!!!" and he'll have to be like :( i'm sorry sir :(

like they're trying to show genuine grounded reactions that someone would have to hanging with someone who's not who you thought they were and realising they're actually their own complex individuals beyond their reputation whatever it may be and i see it i get it i'm clocking in to it but at this point we have had 3 entire seasons of people coming to the Stunning Realisation that he is not a massive douchebag anymore over and over again and it is ended up sort of tired. the steve harrington apology tour will never end </3. and once again i find it disappointing that the show that celebrates a certain kind of diversity of individual expression and passion that is what you are ostracised for does not mean you are condemned for and that like it's cool to be a nerd and an outcast and not fit in for whatever reason but then with steve they're just like. oh no he sucked and will be punished for it forever actually and also he's dumb and that's funny because he deserves to be made fun of Nerds can't be bullies no way!!!!

[termitesisagrandslam]

so yeah i went to visit my lovely best friend and she rooms with my former best friend (we were a trio of best friends in hs) who cut me out suddenly 9(!!!) years ago. and im trying to figure out how to deal with it still bc it happened while i was having a traumatic freshman year in college. and i became too much of a burden to her due to my depression and increased need for her friendship. since in high school she had been the one who needed me. and i have regrets, like i was wrapped up in myself and would get too easily hurt and frustrated when i felt like she wasnt giving me reassurance i needed. and so she just stopped talking to me. i blamed myself for years for driving her away.

our mutual best friend kept telling me it wasnt on me, that my ex-friend had been cruel. apparently she thought cutting me out without warning or anything would make me so angry that i wouldnt be sad or miss her. which isnt in line with my personality at all and ig my best friend told her that, that it was more likely id be sad and blame myself. which is what i did

and it's only in the past couple years i allowed myself to be angry. not that i didnt do anything wrong. but to finally understand that my behavior didnt warrant hers and that what she did was mean and unfair. and now i am really angry. i dont hate her (even if sometimes it feels like that when i get emotional) but i am angry.

there was an opportunity for all 3 of us to have lunch and i couldnt do it bc i knew she would act like nothing happened and like we were acquaintances and try to make small talk. a few years ago i wouldve 100% done that and id have taken all the blame just for the chance to reconcile. but i cant do that anymore.

so i declined. and then i saw her briefly for the first time in almost a decade as she walked to the bathroom and god im just so angry still. i cant describe how close we were and then boom i was dropped like i was nothing. as if i never mattered to her. and im worried i didnt?

and it's been so long i feel ridiculous being still so upset, especially since she probably barely thinks about me. but it's so tied into the trauma i went thru at the time in college and it altered the way im able to socialize and the way i trust. and it hurts so much that she and my other best friend have been in each others lives this whole time. and it was always the three of us. but i was disposable to her when i became inconvenient. when i needed her to be a support. and even now it's hard to not think "well i shouldnt have cried in front of her. i shouldnt have told her when she hurt my feelings. i shouldnt have i shouldnt have"

idk what im saying even. it's just hard to move on and process it when her presence is everywhere still. her stuff is everywhere when i visit my best friend. she's there and ive been barred. and the amount of times ive been Too Much and been barred from spaces is a lot. and trying not to internalize that as what it means for my worth as a person is really hard.

[catspinach]

ive been meaning to vent on here about work for a long time now so here

i was hired in as a shift supervisor at a brand new starbucks with all brand new employees aside from another supervisor, Mylah, who is a 4yr partner(remember her), and maybe 2 others or so. none of us knew what we were doing. i was barista trained separately from the rest, followed by supervisor training, and then a week off. I came back and had no idea what the hell i was doing, and everyone was mad that i didnt know what to do??

Mylah trained me, and it was brutal. She would critique everything i did, and I always defended myself, saying "why do i need to do it that way if this way gets the same results?" and she did Not like that lmao and the entire training was incredibly tense.

Months pass, and she is worse than ever. she's had several lectures about her behavior but not a single writeup. Nothing has changed. She trained a new supervisor a few weeks ago, and she treated her the same way as she did with me. At some point she slammed a freezer and started shouting, making her cry, and Everyone in lobby turned their heads. i felt awful and wanted to say smth, but I'm genuinely scared of her. Everyone is. Several people have admitted to me that they call off when they see Mylah on the schedule.

The other day, the lobby was empty, and we were free to talk about all the harassment we've faced with her. I cant even remember all of it there's so much but uh here's a list of stuff i remember:

My manager gave Jenn some extra hours, and when they came in, Mylah cornered them, asking why they stole all her hours?? Jenn was comfused because they were literally just added to the schedule so that they would have enough bodies on the floor. Apparently Mylah was pissy at them for the entire rest of their shift, which sucks bc they were already working 12hrs that day:'(

I became friends with a barista named Diana, who is hispanic, and Mylah (white) would always say rude things that made her uncomfortable, saying its okay because her bf is mexican ._. It became a problem and eventually Mylah started looking through all her stuff to get her fired, and succeeded. Diana told me that Mylah would joke with the other baristas about how im stupid and bad at my job, and she said she always stood up for me which definitely did not help her with this whole situation but I greatly appreciate her for it, and we still talk!

Anna said Mylah was talking to her about me and how i do my job wrong. she said i don't face the bills the same way in the deposit bag, and that I dont fill in the money order right so I'm the reason we have so many goddamn nickles, and she said I don't double count the drawers and that's why there's so many mistakes with the deposit. the funny thing is, i DO face the bills the same way, I have never even DONE a money order because that's morning's job, I TRIPLE count the drawers bc i have anxiety, and nobody has EVER said anything to me about the deposit being off.

At some point someone said ret*rded, and Mylah is autistic and was rightfully mad, and brought her to the back to yell at her. not sure what she said but when she came back she went up to me, and only me, and apologized. so like that really hurted but okay whatever ill just go kill myself ig

Mylah was opening one day and told Morgan that since I was closing that it would probably take longer than usual to close? I asked Morgan how Mylah was with closing, and she said that nothing gets done until the absolute last minute, and it takes at least half an hour to finish closing. My record is 2 minutes past close.

Jenn and Taylor told me that I'm their favorite out of all of the shifts, because I make sure to get everything done, I am fast, efficient, and if they have a question I will do my best to figure out a solution for them. Apparently, when they ask Mylah a question, she answers with, "I dont know man, I just work here" and walks away. which like. mood. but she's getting paid 20/hr compared to the baristas at 15/hr, and there is absolutely no reason that the baristas should have to pick up her slack.

Anna used to be friends with Mylah, and they went to get piercings together, and Mylah thought it would be super funny to snapchat Anna having a panic attack about the needle! outside of work, but still fucked up

theres more idk

Mylah got it in my head that I'm the worst of all of the supervisors, and when I found out I was almost all the baristas' favorite, I started visibly shaking with relief! Ive been trying so so hard to make up for how "bad" i am at my job in fear that everyone will hate me otherwise, and now I gind this out and I don't know how to handle this information jdgdheb

I asked them if they would like to talk to the manager as a group, hoping that will show her just how serious the situation is. I don't usually pray for someone to get fired, but I want her ass permanently out of my sight asap

[thegeminisage]

ive done a terrible thing and accidentally turned on gloom hands for the map. i was only doing korok seeds/wells/caves/other bosses - i wanted shrines and hands to be a surprise, so i was just turning shrines on and off now and then to make sure i wasnt walking past any. but then i turned on hads to see how many there were and there's two in the next place im going for my korok seeds (crenel region). i would have rather not known :(

ugh man my compendium is SOOO empty...i miss the camera being on the first-person view. having it as an ability is so clunky! if i wanna 100% this i really gotta get on that bc no way do i or will i ever have the rupees to buy my way to victory

i looove btw, if i havent said. that if you kill an enemy while gliding/skydiving, you get the drops anyway. like they just appear in your inventory. VERY good

five bomb flowers in this chest! i appreciate it, but i almost have more bombs than arrows. (80-something arrows, 60-something bombs.) i got used to living without them. im a muddlebud girl now

ah i see. mining.

a well with nothing in it...there's gotta be more to it. haha it's the moor garrison ruins well so. that's a little joke. anyway im googling

okay, apparently google doesn't know shit either? surely there is something else here........

i guess not :/ bet i'll have to come back later...

WAIT I FOUND. STEPS THAT GO UNDERGROUND BUT THERE'S BARS HERE AAAA LET ME INNNNN

lmao the wall in the well is cracked can i actually bomb it?

answer: no

OH....................................

i thought ascending thru the ceiling would just take me back topside, but the well room was under this underground room! so i got in! ooough that dopamine. puzzle SOLVED all on my own!!!!

theres a treasure chest in one of these rooms, but the map tells me it's another fucking shield so im giving it a pass. i got the trick, thats what matters

shrine BELOW me? girl wtf

if i have to go back in that mining cave i just went thru.

ugh i checked and i DOOOO how did i miss it!!!

i DIED getting over there >:(

UGH and the enemies are back cuz of a blood moon :( i wasted 2 muddlebuds to NOT fight these guys...

i wish the totk fight music was better. i mean don't get me wrong, it's fine, but because of the way the soundtrack works the 3 songs i hear most often are the fight music, the shrine music, and the ambient bg music, which sometimes changes when in a snowy/high/watery area. i hear the fight music more than any other song and it gets stuck in my head CONSTANTLY and while much of this game's soundtrack is mindblowing and incredible, the fight music Is Not. it's simply not good enough for the song i'm listening to the fucking most. i'm already tired of hearing it and i'm only (checks) 95 hours into this game. ugh

>:( i'm mad that i probably won't be able to 100% it before i hit 100 hours...i wanted my whole hero's path on record...

anyway i found the shrine. finally.

NOT MORE OF THIS EVENTIDE SHIT

ugh i'm just gonna do it. honestly why couldn't they have just refined it to one island instead of microdosing us.......

COOL...there's a battle talus just patrolling back and forth along the road here!!

oh, a big tower fell over here...idr that from botw but i think it was in the trailers! neat

ok, i'm getting close to the area where the hands spawn :( i turned them back on on my map cuz im scared :(

oh man. so they spawn in these stumps full of water right...i can literally see those. they are so close to me. if i didn't Know i'd wander right in, unsuspecting...this is why i had that turned off. it's better not to know!!! than this anxiety!!!!!

what if i just...make them pop and then despawn them...

i can't do it. i can't. that is a TRAP i can see it's a trap those are high sides there's water like no fucking way. no way

GOD fuck a like like made a noise and i jumped out of my skin. the way the hands can scare you when you arent around AAAAAAAAAAAA

rauru settlement ruins...an innocuous reference to the ocarina of time sage in botw, but now...

i still have a few seeds left to get there and i know what i said about not doing shit today but i do actually have to do shit today. rip!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw pedo, confusion, family.

sometimes i feel like my dad may be a pedo. not that i caught him with any porn of that sort, his stash was completely adult related when i used to see it scattered around the house and what not. i was hyper as a child and unfortunately viewed such things every time. he's never done anything to me that i know of, except once he roughly spanked me as a teen which i felt very violated from in a bad way type of touch feeling. i was pretty confused.. they also shamed me for being sexual (getting caught in school making jokes with a friend and drawing dicks n writing things about teachers) which they ended up seeing and ofc i felt guilt bc they were disappointed in me and shamed me, banned me from watching shows and what not. couldn't even have a phone bc they didn't trust me. this was up til 11 years old to 14.

ive been sexualised my whole life. shaming me for wearing clothes that expose my figure, I was only 14 when an uncle apparently commented on me saying how im dressed inappropriate bc he can see my shape.. mind you, i was fully clothed head to toe. i didn't know about this until my parents mentioned it in anger, implying its my fault basically. yeah u get the gist of it. my whole life ive felt uncomfortable. getting looks from people and even my own family.

i remember being in my early 20s my mom mentioned this to me bc I said how my dad would be harsh. she said its bc of ur actions, also holding what i drew and wrote in school still against me. i was only 11/12?? but what's even crazy, she said i wrote those things about my own dad. yes. my mind was shocked how she could even say such things. and yet she believed that even tho I said it wasn't even about anyone except a teacher. so, i know my mom holds jealously and resentment of this. probably thinking ill steal her man vibe, which is gross. I felt extremely gaslight, I always have with them.

since their messed up minds think that idk if that's why he behaves weird with me. i know he's a pervert but this is just. there was a show we would watch and he was very obsessed with the girl. (She was 17, same age as me) and i found that so bizarre. my mom simply didn't gaf. I even said its wrong but no one cares. his obsession was unhealthy, finding pics of her and searching up explicit scenes of her which I found on his search.

its like its so normalised. she's like the age of ur daughter wtf. ig since then its just been confusing for me bc I've been gaslight badly. idk if i ever got abused by him bc i don't really remember such happening. i only had a sexual dream with him once which was strange. he does take offguard pics of me which I hate and tell him to delete but he never does. he gives me weird looks and i hate dressing up bc of it. they make me feel ashamed of myself and disgusted. I feel like a whore, like im begging for this.

I'm glad I haven't had any weird touches or anything, but its still uncomfortable with the energy that lingers around. like im always reminded when they give me certain looks esp my mom. i feel like im going insane just thinking of everything. i wish things were normal but they really ain't are there

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

I can see how being shamed for being sexual or making sexual jokes may have influenced the way you view your own sexuality, especially at such a formative age. It's saddening and frustrating to hear that your family seems to normalize victim blaming. It's gross that your uncle made that comment, not only because you were a child, but because it implies he was looking to see your "shape". The comments that your mom made towards you are not okay either. The things that you found out about your dad are also quite disturbing and predatory.

Even if you dad hasn't touched you or anything like that, he still does some harmful things and it's valid to be upset or traumatized by that. I think a lot of this, especially with the example of your uncle, could count as sexual harassment.

It makes sense to be uncomfortable with the environment that your family creates. Your wish for things to be normal is completely understandable, and I'm sorry you've been having to put up with this. Please know that there's nothing you could've done to deserve being abused, and you don't deserve to be disgusted at yourself for things that aren't your fault.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / s.i. / sh mention / long post / extremely negative dont read

I rly wanna fucking stop existing man life is too fucking hard I cant do this shit

My grandpa basically blamed me for the house's electricity usage when i literally only used my computer for one week last month and like 2 days this month. Anything else this month has just been phone charging or running my 2 small aquariums. Idk why i have to take the blame for that just because im a young person when my grandpa literally has been using large machinery in the garage and we rent out our guest house which has an a/c unit running ALL the time (our house does not have a/c or any internal system. Utilities are included in the guest house we rent so we pay for that person to stay cool while we sweat over here lmao.)

Ive been suffering for weeks in the 90-100 degree weather with no fan because my bathroom flooded due to grandpa installing the wrong fixture in my toilet (i literally only needed to replace the flap which required no disconnections! But he insisted, and now my only clean fan has been stuck in my bathroom with the window open letting in all the heat). Like. I enjoy the heat. Im fine with no ac. I tolerate it fine. But i need an occasional few minutes of being in the fan if the windows have been letting in all the heat. Normally id keep my blinds closed and the shower curtain closed so the heat doesnt get extreme but because i need to air out the bathroom i cant do that ((Literally when i lived in nyc w no ac, i would just go out to the living room and turn a/c on for like 1 minute while i stand in front of it, and then off again and i was fine for the rest of the night, i cant sleep with ac or a fan on or else i get hypothermic - i actually started getting hypothermic the other night because my blankets fell off the bed on a cooler night, it sucked lol))

Im so sick of having to wear shoes in my bathroom due to the carpet being pulled back, its uncomfortable to traverse that mess while having an injured back. Im sick of all the wildfire ash thats poured into my bathroom and probably my room too. (I had JUST changed my last air filter the day before the fire started lmao probably used up the whole thing already, i never got to keep my clean air room i had just started).

I had to deep clean the kitchen and deep vacuum the entire house with my back thats been injured since MAY since grandpa wont clean up after himself, and apparently my mom has also not been cleaning for years in her room (and my mom has the nerve to judge me for having a clean but cluttered room! Its her fault its cluttered because im not allowed to have anything of mine except food downstairs!). I havent been able to get treatment for my back because my mom has the only car and shes been out of town for the past month+.

Im fucking scared as fuck because i couldnt get ahold of a doctors office for a prescription for my endo and so now ive been having to take the leftovers i had of a lower dose. I live in a dead zone so a lot of the time i cant make phonecalls, idk if the issue was my end or the doctors and im just too stressed to try again bc if i think ab endo im gonna have a mental breakdown, its already bad enough having EXTREME phone anxiety due to not being able to understand people when they talk especially over a garbled phone connection. Im supposed to quit this med at the end of the month and idk how im gonna survive. I might not. I was completely su// ici// dal during the last couple flare ups. Endo is incurable and apparently im resistant to medication and surgical treatment. So its untreatable for me too.

Then theres my whole depression. This just fucking kicked off a really terrible mood swing and ive been like crying and moping in bed for hours trying NOT to think about where i know the things i used to s.h. before are packed. Bc that hasnt ever stopped being on my fucking mind since before i even started as a teen lmao. I cant stop thinking about how im existing against my will. Theres just no good way to die. Id feel guilty too because of how expensive my jaw treatments are and i havent even finished.

Speaking of, my jaw is still fucked and not getting any better lmao. Im in constant pain and headaches because of the aligners on my teeth. Im making myself sick from eating depression foods because by the time i take the things off my teeth to eat and drink, my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, and after i eat anything i feel sick and tired and lightheaded from not being able to snack or drink when i want at my own pace, and then suddenly having to eat a whole meals worth of food in one sitting. (Not that i do that lmao ive been eating really lightly bc i am not physically up to the task of cooking or eating anything. I CAN cook. Just not physically, or mentally any more). So ive been eating terribly within my already limited diet. (And my jaw wont stop popping and cracking painfully every time i chew anything which is so humiliating and frustrating and painful and i cant eat a lot of foods i used to.)

There just too much going on all at once and im fucking sick of everything. I was already at my fucking limit before my mom fucked off to do pet sitting for a relative and went back on her word that she'd bring the dog to stay at our house. Which means ive gone since May without treatment for my back except for the chiropractor i see right after my therapy appointment. Which i dont think is doing enough. I dont know what more can be done when i constantly have to do back breaking things around the house. And when i told my mom ab how im not able to get the care i need because of her leaving, she turned it on me and said it was my fault for not making an appointment. Fucking gaslighting asshole. How the fuck am i supposed to get to an appointment 30-40 minutes away when i dont have the car? (Because theres no where local that will take my insurance, and i dont think even the places 30-40 minutes away will take it either.)

I dont know how anyone manages to live. Just existing is constant pain due to fibromyalgia and arthritis. Its constant hypervigilance and fear from the endo. Its extreme treatment-resistant depression (i fucking wish antidepressants worked on me lmao but that was the most miserable 5 years of my life trying every class of them). Its gender dysphoria and i cant transition because i cant work or live independently (its not safe for me to come out or transition while living in grandpas house hed kick me out). Its loneliness because i have like 2 friends i occasionally talk to online but no one close and were not on the same circles even, not like i even have a stable internet connection to do anything more than just over messaging. I dont have the mental energy to be friends w anyone either bc i have nothing to offer. Existing while alive is a full time job with no pay or benefits. I dont even know anyone irl thats not relatives (im not close with anyone in my family at all) or a doctor. I dont have a license or car because family wouldnt let me practise when i did have permits and i certainly can't afford the $12k a year it costs to own a car in Cali, let alone to purchase one. I cant work but im not disabled enough to be legally disabled. Certainly wouldnt be able to afford to live in this area/county even if i could do some work beyond an occasional online resale, which sucks because this is where my tribe is and i just wish this area was a better fit for me. Just doing things around the house is what caused my back to go out in the first place and now its a chronic fucking issue, and i can barely walk to the mailbox or do grocery shopping. Its not safe for me to live alone either, probably, even tho i cant handle living with roommates because im too asocial for them.

Im so sick of everything. Why do i have to be blamed for the electricity. Im an artist and apparently using the skills i spent 4 years learning at college and countless hours improving on my own is using too much electricity if i turn on my computer to participate in a week of a drawing challenge. What if i had a fucking work from home job?? (Not like that would ever happen, grandpa wouldnt choose the cheaper and faster internet plan i told him to go with and instead chose a more expensive plan with a different company that has a data cap, so now it sucks for no reason other than that he doesnt want to take advice from either a woman or a young person! [Im not a woman but he doesnt know that]). I cant even try to apply for any kind of work from home job bc of the internet. Its hard enough trying to make a call over data, having to put it on speakerphone and reach my phone against my room window while i lean over the counter. I was already unemployed before the pandemic due to the same mental health issues i havent stopped suffering from.

I wish that i wanted to live and do better for myself but whats the fucking point any more. I dont even want to live. I have no fucking reason to. At all. Im only alive bc there's no good way to die. Every day i think about how much i wish i didnt exist. It sucks and theres no fucking treatment that works. Therapy probably helps but its not making improvements for me when there are too many things out of my control making my life completely fucking miserable, its just damage reduction at this point.

I even exercise. Often. Despite the pain in my back and everywhere else. It does not help when i have fibromyalgia. Im in extreme pain even with the lightest exercise. But ive been exercising since the last endo flare up in fucking march in the hopes itll make my next endo flare up a little less worse if im stronger. Who knows if its working. Guess ill find out after the end of this month. God im so fucking scared.

I dont want to do anything rn im just so fucking miserable. But now my room is heating up since its the end of the day and im sweating too much to keep lying in bed being miserable. Idk what im gonna do. Besides ignore the ideation and knowledge about where my sharp objects are. I was working on sewing but i lost steam because of grandpa blaming me for the electricity sending me down a spiral. As if im not already doing enough cleaning up the whole fucking house and trying to prevent mold growth from the leak he caused and then laughed it off and wouldnt help me move (not my) furniture to prevent water damage.

Fuck i still have to measure the carpet padding so i can buy more later. At least the carpet itself is safe. Its getting dark out and i threw that padding shit outside and forgot about it last week so i dont wanna deal with measuring that right now. Ugh.

What do i even do when im too fucking depressed to do anything at all?? No one fucking prepares you for how fucking miserable being alive actually is.