#bastianandthebear

[bashfulbastian]

Realizing my true potential

Today I went to a physic convention!! It was a lot of fun. I went with two of my best friends and they are the most adorable couple in the world.

I’ve been an eclectic witch for a little over a year now. They say that for the first year you aren’t really the real deal because you’re supposed to spend that time doing research and working on spells and learning how things work within the “religion”. I would say I’m probably still not the real deal because I definitely don’t know as much as I should. But then again, I don’t practice every single day like some people do. My life is so full of things that getting time to sit down for an hour or so and meditate and work on candle magic and research essential oils is just a little too hard to accomplish. But I’m working on it.

Yes, that is a cookie.

So things that have been happening in my life recently are feeling so... revolutionary? My life feels like it’s changing at an alarming rate. The beginning of this yeah when Bear went in to see if he was too fat to join the army was the starting line. And it feels like my life hasn’t stopped for a rest yet. He was sworn in at the end of January. He left the middle of February. And since then I feel like so many things have started to rearrange inside of my mind.

I’m feeling more and more in control of my life that I was before.

I’ve always hated the guilty feeling I got after eating food that was unhealthy, but I never really did anything to change it. But the past month or two I’ve been realizing that I don’t have to hate that guilty feeling, I just need to stop having it.

The same with not working on my art. So far I’ve completed a ton of art pieces for Bear while he’s been gone. There were months at a time where I would go without even picking up a pencil because I was sure I didn’t have enough time for it. Now I’m drawing almost every day, I’m vlogging, I’m blogging, AND I’m finding so much time in between to play with my daughter.

The same, again, goes for exercise. I was convinced I just didn’t have the time for that. But the past month at least, I’ve been almost consistently exercising. Now, I haven’t lost any weight really because I’ve still been eating a good deal of garbage, but that’s slowly changing.

I’ve realizing that you can go on a diet and you can force yourself to exercise, but if that’s not a lifestyle change then it’s going to fail. It’s failed every time in the past for me. Because I would go on a diet and tell myself I wasn’t allowed to have the bad food. But I’ve realized that having a little here and there is fine, as long as I make more healthy decisions. And so far I’ve been making more and more of those healthy decisions.

Now, if I could just get into a consistent habit and do this every day I’ll be on the right track to looking my best for Bear when I finally see him at the end of next month. I CAN’T WAIT!!!

[trans-positivity]

I need your help!

I'm sure a lot of these gofundme posts in various tumblr pages are probably overlooked, but I know I need to try. I'm 28, a single "mother", and pretty much at the zero mark when it comes to funding. I'm set to start T in two days and I need to start trying to raise the funds for my top surgery.

Basically, I can't wear a binder because of funds and complications, so sports bras are about where I'm at :( Which... doesn't hide much since I'm a DD... I have super supportive friends but support can only go so far. I need help from everyone I can get it from. Please share my story and my gofundme page.

I post updates and blogs on being ftm and on trans issues, along with posting funny vids on my youtube account BastianAndTheBear, so hey, if nothing else, check out my boyfriend and I making a fool of ourselves for your entertainment!!

Thanks guys

https://www.gofundme.com/x3sbdu8w-make-the-outside-match-the-inside

[bashfulbastian]

Getting back into the swing of things

I guess I should start off with an apology. I haven’t posted in forever. On tumblr or on Youtube. In addition to some personal drama going on, I’ve been feeling hella dysphoric lately and it’s been a chore to even go out in public. Let alone make a video or type a blog post about what I’m going through.

A few months ago my dose of testosterone was increased. I’m now taking twice the amount I started at. Which means the changes are happening a little quicker and more common with what you’d see in a boy going through puberty. You know, school is over for the year and they leave, then when they come back after the summer they have a full dang beard and their voice is like a lumberjack? Yeah, that quick.

I have started shaving my face and hoping it’s not too obvious. I’m glad my facial hair is blonde, otherwise people would be really confused. I’m not able to socially transition yet. Not by a long shot. I have to worry about issues with my daughter starting preschool and other things where I need to be seen as “female” in person. I don’t really care that much about changing my name on paper yet. It’s changing things in person that are starting to become more of a trouble than I thought they would.

You see, I’m an open book about my transition for the most part. When I can finally pass as a guy and I’m dealing with Alessa’s teachers and stuff, I have no problem saying “I’m trans, please call me Sebastian from now on, but on paper I’m still Sasha.” I don’t care about that. My problem is meeting these people, or going out in public in general, and people staring at me and not knowing what to make of me.

When I first started my transition I remember thinking “as long as I can go out in public and people will look at me and not be sure what gender I am, then I’ll be better than I am now.”

That’s not the case anymore. Being in the middle is hell. If I bind I’m gendered correctly about 50% of the time. If I don’t bind, I’m always misgendered. I wish I was at a point in my life where I could let the hair on my face grow in and just bind all the time, but it’s so hard and so exhausting. Girls, you think it’s hard having to deal with putting on a bra every day? HA! Try wearing the tightest, most uncomfortable thing you can imagine and not being able to leave the house without it for fear of being shot for being a disgusting subhuman.

Think I’m being overdramatic? Well, I was going to search for, and insert, a chart that shows the amount of hate crimes, harassment, and overall violence against transgender people, but there are too many. Just google it. It’s ridiculous the amount of hate we’re showered with, and for what? Someone please enlighten me. What’s the difference between me and you? Please put it into words to my FACE so I can educate you, you sorry excuse for a person. Bet you can’t do that. Bet you’ll hide behind the internet blindly throwing slurs and hateful words at someone you don’t even know.

But this isn’t where I wanted this post to go. I’m explaining my time away from Tumblr and Youtube.

After my daughter is settled into preschool, and after I’ve been able to adjust to wearing my binder every day for the rest of my foreseeable future, I’ll feel a little more comfortable finally trying to only appear masculine while in public.

But it’s so disheartening having to deal with putting my binder on for every little time leaving my apartment. I think that’s my biggest hang up right now. I want to just go out for 5 minutes and buy some milk? I have to put on my binder. I need to be out for an entire day? That means I can’t take my binder off. At all. It’s recommended to wear it for 8-10 hours MAX. And forget going to a gym. Exercise or anything physically demanding is highly advised against while binding. There are so many shirts I can’t wear because you’ll be able to tell I’m wearing a binder. Not to mention just the act of putting it on and taking it off...

What I’m getting as is I’ve been struggled really hard lately with my depression and anxiety. An if you’ve never dealt with depression, if basically makes you just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Might as well take my phone, a box of tissues, a few bags of chips and a blanket and live in my closet for a while. I’ve been able to stay away from it for the most part, though. I’ve been taking things slow, day by day, trying to ignore negative comments I get. And hopefully, writing this is a turning point. I feel productive, as I have for about a week or so now. I’ve started working out at home, which always makes me feel better. I perfected my iced coffee, which helps keep me running.

I have a few posts planned for the coming days, most about being trans and getting through life and my thoughts on what cishet people who don’t actually have any trans friends think about me. Getting back into this swing has been difficult but I am planning on some videos as well. Thank you to those of you that do read my posts and watch my videos. You guys make me happy :)

[bashfulbastian]

Here’s my first day of march trans madness :D Hi!

[bashfulbastian]

I am strong. I am courageous. I am confident. I am brave. I am me.

Bear asked me how I would rate today, from 1 to 10, 10 being the best day ever. Despite how I was feeling last week, unsure of continuing my testosterone, today was a 10.

I guess that deserves some explanation. Last week I was having a hard time accepting the fact that I’m more than likely going to be over a year on testosterone before I can even schedule surgery to have my chest fixed. Which means I’m going to be using my binder every day when I start to look more like a man. The thought of that, for whatever reason, started giving me some pretty severe anxiety.

Today I went to a concert with my best friend and her two friends. I wore my binder. Even though I still look like a chick in the face, I was extremely comfortable. And the thought of THAT has given me so much optimism for the future. My friend used male pronouns the whole time, and for that I want to thank her and tell her that it made me feel incredible.

The concert lifted my spirits. I saw one of my all time favorite musicians, William Control. His music has always had a way of making me FEEL. The emotion it captures inside me makes me feel confident, strong, and brave. The beat of the songs vibrating the plastic cup I was holding made me feel so connected to the music. And feeling it in my chest, the connection, made that confidence more real. Things are changing.

Also, today was my second dose of testosterone. It feels good having the correct fuel running through my veins. I feel like how I’m supposed to feel. I know there’s no way I have had much, if any, change so far. But I feel so different. Maybe it’s placebo, maybe it’s not, but... let me see if I can explain this correctly.

When I used to see myself on the inside, even before I realized I was meant to be male, it looked like this:

Gray. Dark. A storm. Unsettled. Turmoil. I never felt comfortable inside myself. I never felt like I was who or what I was supposed to be. And I didn’t understand why. It took a long time, even after my first time hearing the word “transgender” to figure out what was wrong.

But now. This new hormone that’s coursing through my body has changed so much. Now, on the inside, I can feel...

It’s a path. Peaceful. Serene. I don’t know exactly where it leads, but the water is warm and the sun is coming up.

[bashfulbastian]

Day 4, about my transition so far and what my plans are for the future!

[bashfulbastian]

Day 2!!! Talking about how I knew I was trans and when I realized.

[bashfulbastian]

T minus 15 seconds to being a man

Today is the day. The first appointment for T. If you don’t know, “T” is how us FTM transdudes abbreviate testosterone. Because of the long wait times, I chose a therapist that works an hour and a half away from where I live. And of course she recommended me to a doctor that worked near her. so I hopped in the car with Bear, ready for a long and nervous drive.

Last night there was almost no sleeping for me. I was so excited and scared and nervous (#snervous) that I got maybe three hours of sleep. The entire trip, Bear was prodding me to play the song from Mulan because it was extremely fitting in the situation. You know the one.

Yeah. That one.

No, I’m not playing that! I don’t want to get my hopes up! What if I don’t get to start today! I don’t know what the order of events are!

So I play my typical gothy boop boop and endure the drive while Bear asks his typical hypothetical questions that make me wonder what planet he’s from.

The waiting room was confusing, my doctor’s name wasn’t on any of the walls or signs but I found the office. Then the wait. Ugh, the wait...

Them’s some white knuckles. I was wringing my hands the entire time. But then she called my name!! I want to say it was super awesome that she used my chosen male name, but she just used my last name. Boring.

Then, again, the wait. I’m convinced they know that actually seeing the doctor is going to take over an hour, so they split it up. You’re waiting half the time in the waiting room, the other half in the actual exam room. They could just call you back right before the doctor is ready, but they want to make it seem like things are moving.

Whatever, I’d rather sit in the waiting room with other humans than sit in the exam room alone counting the tiles on the floor.

By the way, there were 112 and a half tiles.

The nurse gives me a packet of papers to read, explaining all the things that will happen while I’m on T. Some awesome things, some not so awesome things, but that’s just how it works. You take the good with the bad. Maybe I’ll go into detail about some of these things later for people who have no idea what’s going on.

I get to the last page.

Just seeing that last line made my heart skip a beat. I got excited. Was I actually going to start today instead of having to wait another few weeks?!

The doctor came in, who by the way, is AWESOME. She explained what I read, talked about any concerns I had, and said “so basically we can set you up with an appointment to start the injections or you can just start today after some blood work.”

In my head I was saying OMGGGGGGGGG YYYYYEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

I nodded “that sounds good.” Gotta play it cool, you know?

The crazy bloodwork lady finished mutilating my arm a few minutes later.

And we were left in the room waiting on the nurse to give me my FIRST DOSE OF T!!! I sat in the chair. While Bear, in typical Bear fashion, took my exam table seat.

Then... THE WAIT. Always the wait. I swear, next time I think I should be nervous about something I should just consider thinking about the wait time for whatever it is. It’ll make me less nervous and more annoyed!

But.. I was still snervous. What if the shot hurt?! Could it hurt as bad as the crazy bloodwork lady’s stabbing??!

While I was contemplating how much longer I was going to be T-less, and while Bear was saying he could get a full night’s sleep before the nurse came back, the door popped open!

And that was it. She grabbed my leg, gave me a poke, and now I’m that much closer to looking like the man I’m supposed to be! Mind the big FAT leg -_-

I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to see the changes that are going to occur in me over the next few months and years. And you guys will be with me every step of the way!

Oh, and fun fact. The day I’m supposed to feel the most masculine ever? I listened to my “fun” playlist on Spotify, which consists of My Little Pony songs and Disney music. The first song I heard on my way home, that I’ll never forget? Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid... Yeah. I’m secure enough in my masculinity to do that.

So, join me in my journey! I’ll be documenting all my changes here and on the youtube account Bear and I share, BastianAndTheBear. Check it out!

[bashfulbastian]

One more hurdle...

I’ve been working almost constantly on making myself healthier. Over the past few months I have made more than a few healthy habits. I’ve started brushing my teeth twice a day and flossing every night. I’ve started exercising 4-5 times a week. I’ve started making MUCH healthier food choices.

I have one last thing. This last thing has plagued me for most of my life. For a few years it was fine, but now it’s nearly impossible for me. It seems like it’s nearly impossible for me to wake up early in the mornings. No matter what time I go to bed. I went to bed at 10pm about a week ago, my alarm set for 7:30am. Know what time I woke up?

I KNOW RIGHT?! I literally press snooze until I realize it’s 11 or later and THEN my body let’s me get up. I’m not joking about that. I will sleep through snoozing my phone. I snoozed this morning. 29. Times. I have my snooze set to like 4 minutes or something. I don’t understand why I can’t just get up. I even plugged my phone in across the room the other morning so I’d have to make myself get up and turn it off. Know what I did? I got up, snoozed, and got back in bed with my phone.

So, it’s on.  I have something important that needs to be done by around noon tomorrow. If it’s not done I am in big trouble. So I’m going to bed and setting my alarm for 8. If I don’t wake up and do the thing then I don’t know what else I can do to make myself start waking up early. Just one day. If I can do it once I can make it a habit...

Also, tomorrow is therapy day 1. Maybe my therapist will have ideas for me... I’m afraid of how it’s going to go, but we’ll see. Ugh. Time for bed.

[bashfulbastian]

Finally getting some help!

These last two months have been a struggle! So I decided to go ahead and look into getting some therapy. I have an appointment set up for Monday, so I hope that goes well! It’s been about a year since I had my old therapist but she moved to a new office and I was too afraid to try and find someone else because I think I’m being judged all the time.

But there are so many changes happening right now that I think talking to someone on the outside about it, with no bias, will make a lot of difference. Not to mention, they know really soon coping mechanisms that I can try, I’m sure.

The last week has been the biggest struggle for me and I’m not sure why. It might be just knowing I have so long to go before seeing Bear, or it might just be everything catching up to me! But I have been having major anxiety and nightmares. This morning I jumped awake because of a nightmare that I can’t remember now, but it left an echo that’s been ringing in my head for the entire day.

I’m hoping for a bit of a break this weekend and time for myself. If my daughter is with her dad, I’m not going to make any plans with friends, I’m going to stay home all weekend and binge listen to podcasts while binge arting.

I may do some spring cleaning, also. My apartment is so messy right now and It’s making me have even more anxiety. When things get messy I tend to get stuck in my bed and not want to get out. I know that’s a problem for a lot of people. When I was younger I had so much crap in my old apartment that I used to get off work and then sit in the car for a few hours because I just didn’t want to go in and face the mess. I’m glad that’s in the past!

All things considered, I’m doing pretty well on the health front. Today will be my 9th day in a row sticking to my exercise routine and I’ve been eating way better than I used to, so that’s a plus! I’m just so ready for this year to be over. Or at least the next month and a half. I NEED BEAR!!! I NEED HIM OR I WILL EXPLODE!!  that happens to me sometimes...

Why do I use Tumblr to vent so much?! I’m supposed to be funny!!!

[bashfulbastian]

Trying to kick depression

My life feels like it’s stuck in limbo right now. There are so many questions that can’t be answered. The only thing I can do is sit here and wait.

Keeping myself busy is the easy part, it’s keeping myself healthy that’s the hard part. Sticking to my exercise is getting easier as time goes on because I’ve sort of just incorporated it into my daily schedule like it’s something I have to do every day or I’ll die. And I’ve been making much healthier decisions with my food intake. I’ve discovered a love for hummus.

Mental health is another animal, though. Especially after the recent news with Bear’s graduation being held back over a month. I still don’t have his new address and I literally sit and think about that every day. I have letters ready to be sent but I don’t want them to be lost because the first one is an extremely important one.

You see, he sent me a letter right before he was recycled into a different unit asking me to marry him when he was done. While I refuse to accept this as a formal proposal, I want him to get my response immediately after I send it. Of course I’m telling him that I want to marry him!

But with marriage comes even more questions. When will it happen? Should we have a ceremony? Where will we be moving? He isn’t going to know until probably the end of the year where he’s going to end up being stationed and if I’ll even be allowed to go. There’s too much uncertainty and when I think about it I can feel my heart rate double.

I’ve never been someone who had much anxiety until recently, but I’ve always battled with depression. And it’s hard to brush that off right now. I miss him so much that I’ve been listening to his music exclusively. I made his picture the background on my phone. I write these blogs for him. I vlog for him. I draw all these envelopes for his letters when I send them.

You know, it feels like he’s an ex that I’m still hanging on to. It’s such a weird feeling that I can’t even describe. I know he’s not ignoring me, it would be stupid for me to think of it that way because he literally isn’t allowed to talk to me, but there’s this part of me that just wishes I could stop reminding myself of him constantly because it hurts. As the time goes on it just gets worse, I’m not used to it yet. I miss seeing him every day.

TRUST ME I know how stupid it is that I’m feeling this way because this is extremely temporary. But not only do I miss him, I’m worried about him! I don’t want him to feel like I’m not writing him (I’m sure going from getting a letter every single day to getting nothing for two weeks from me won’t help his mental state) and I don’t want him to feel discouraged that he was held back.

I saw a picture of him on the basic training photos website and he just looked so... angry. I swear if he had his fist clenched any tighter his fingernails would be cutting his palms open. And the look on his face was just such anger mixed with frustration. And it wasn’t the setting because most of the other people looked like they were in a pretty good mood.

I’M SO WORRIED ABOUT HIM!!!! I don’t want him to give up!!

Ugh, this post is just a long rant about missing Bear.

I’m sorry :(

I need happy thoughts!

There, that’s a little better...

[bashfulbastian]

Consecutive post number 3! Wow!

Bear’s graduation date was pushed back to the end of May. I swear it feels like I’m going to die. That’s over a month longer than he was supposed to be there. OVER A MONTH. It’s like I’m just sitting on my hands at this point. I just wish there was something I could do aside from writing letters to him. Some way I could help him get through it easier and quicker.

But I guess I’m just stuck here waiting.

Waiting for his letters, waiting for him to get done, waiting to finally see him again.

But something happened that I’m taking as s huge sign. He was supposed to graduate on the 26th of April. But a week after I found out he was being held back I got a message from one of my daughter’s old therapists saying she wanted to get all the people she knew that had kids with autism together to hae a party at a local place called Jump Zone. She wants to do it on the 26th. I am taking that as a sign that I’m supposed to take my daughter and it’s supposed to be a huge success!

She is going to have so much fun! She’s really into jumping lately!

And I’m already back down to the weight I was when I’d been exercising consistently before my tooth problems and my poison ivy! And I have discovered a new love.......

SHREDDED CHICKEN!!

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I like eating things that taste good, obviously, but I absolutely HATE making food/buying food/storing food/deciding what food to eat/etc.

If someone could just give me the food I need to eat that would be the most wonderful thing on the planet. I don’t dislike healthy food. I’ll eat fish and veggies all day every day, but I hate making it. I have been searching for an easy, fast diet for a few years at this point and maybe I’ve found it? I’m not sure yet. 

But, I had no idea you could just go and BUY ALREADY SHREDDED chicken!!!! This is my new best friend. I ate a salad today just because I wanted a little chicken. And it actually filled me up! Yum!

So, I’m feeling healthier, I’m exercising, I’m eating WAY better. There’s no reason why I should have any problems getting closer to my goal weight by the time I see Bear again. He is going to be so excited when he see’s me!!!

And... I’ve been contemplating a buzz cut for a little while now........

[bashfulbastian]

Looking forward to the future

I’m currently living life with my mind in the future. Literally everything in my life is going to get better in the next 8 or so months. The thought that my world is finally coming together is the only thing getting me through right now. 

First up we have Bear’s graduation. The most intimate contact I’ve had with him in the past seven weeks has been through snail mail. No texts, to messages, no phone, no video chat. The thought of seeing him in four or five weeks is pushing me through (assuming he doesn’t get set back again).

Then marriage will be soon to follow. The idea of a name change without being able to just change my first name at the same time, which I am definitely going to look into, is a little frustrating. But definitely for a good cause. Who wouldn’t want their last name to be Mace? That’s such a cool name.

And after that, a big proper going away party because I’ll be on my way with Brad to wherever he ends up being shipped. Just imagine... an actual house with a yard. Actually having a bedroom. Having space to breathe in my own dwelling... And being there with the person that I love almost as much as Alessa? It’s literally going to be heaven. It’s going to be as close as you can get to heaven without getting pieces of clouds in your eyes.

Bear and I have been through so much together already and yet, here we are. The last month we had together before he left was just a dream. We were so close. The last week we spent almost every day together. We were inseparable. It was just so nice being so close to someone.

And thinking back now, I know there were spans of time in our relationship where I definitely took him for granted. But I know he did the same with me at other points. Like I said, we’ve been through a lot. This year will mark three years that we’ve been together. Dang. Time flies when you’re having fun, I suppose. And that’s all we ever did together.

I mean... unless he had hot tea waiting at home for me after work... Then there was usually a “talk” we were about to have and it was never good.

But who doesn’t like tea?

I guess my point here is that, while I do miss him, I know this is necessary and being apart for a little while is what’s going to make our lives a whole hell of a lot better. As much as I hate it now is as much as I’m going to absolutely love it later.

Things will always get better, just give it some time :)

[bashfulbastian]

I miss Bear

Well, this sucks.

As of tomorrow it will be 7 weeks since I talked to Bear. Considering since the day we started talking to each other we’ve only went maybe a single day between talking to each other and never more than a week without seeing each other (even when we broke up a few times), these past few weeks have been hell for me.

I miss him so much that I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I tried keeping track of the letters I sent to him and tried numbering them but I lost count. I’ve written him and sent a letter every single day, aside from the past few days since his address is changing and I don’t have the new one yet.

So much has happened since he’s been gone. I just want to tell him everything!! I have so much to write in his letters I’m afraid that I’m writing too much, honestly. I’m afraid he won’t even have time to read them!

In my last blog about him I mentioned that I was going to start exercising and eating way better. I have totally done that, but there have been so many set backs it’s ridiculous. The week I started exercising I ended up getting the flu and was sick feeling for more than a week. Then my tooth began hurting to much that whenever my heart would pump faster (while exercising especially) I could feel a painful beat in my tooth. I needed to have it pulled. That interrupted a few days. Then I caught a rash from what I’m assuming was poison sumac, even though I can’t find any poisonous plant that looked similar to what I was handling that gave me the rashes. That put me out for almost two weeks.

It’s been over two weeks since I first encountered that stupid plant and I’m still itching. I never want to go outside again.

Anyway, I’ve started relying a lot more on what my tarot cards are telling me.

This is the most beautiful art I have ever owned, and I love it to death. And I realized yesterday that trusting what these cards tell me also means I’m trusting in some higher power and possibly some afterlife. It’s weird because I never considered myself a religious or faith-driven person. But I did an experiment with them.

I went through a reading for myself, wondering about my career as an artist. All the cards I pulled made sense and were very inspiring. I’ve took everything they said to heart. And I got to thinking that maybe any combination of cards would make sense and I could just work out whatever it is that they said in my favor.

I shuffled and pulled out three random cards and tried to make them make sense with the reading I was doing. And you know what? They didn’t. They didn’t make sense at all. The real reading showed me creative cards and inspirational cards. The random reading showed me cards about family and personal issues that didn’t have anything to do with the questions I was asking.

I love tarot cards so much. I’m so glad they spoke to me in the store I first saw them at. After things have settled down I plan to finish the project I started with them. I’m wood burning and painting a box for them to go in, along with a fancy tarot cloth to use with them. I’m very excited about it!

So.. this was a random blog. And I’ll probably be doing more of these and using this as a type of vent and maybe daily blog thing. We’ll see how that goes. It’s much easier than youtube at the moment!

I can’t wait for Bear to get back. I swear I’m dying.

I love you Bear

[bashfulbastian]

She’s getting to where I never thought she would get to.

My daughter isn’t perfect. While I was pregnant with her, research told me “breast was best” and feeding her formula wouldn’t make her the best she could be. Moms constantly talked about how awful it was that parents would ever choose to formula feed. Moms would say they were so happy breastfeeding their four year old, still. But when my daughter was born she had some difficulty breastfeeding and I had no choice but to give her formula or let her starve trying to figure out feeding time. But she didn’t starve. She ate. And now she’s almost three and the same size as kids a year older than her.

My daughter isn’t perfect. When she was 8 months old she started saying some simple words. By the time she was a year old she’d lost all those words. When she was a year and seven months old she was diagnosed with autism. I didn’t hear her call me “mom” and mean it until she was about two years old. The last few months she’s been repeating more words than I can count and knows tons of things by name. She looked straight at my boyfriend as he was walking out the door a few days ago and said “bye”, waved, and she knew exactly what she was meaning to say, without being prompted by anyone.

My daughter isn’t perfect. For around six months now she’s been using screaming as her way of communication to tell me there’s something wrong or something she wants and can’t have. She started out screaming many, many times throughout the day. Yesterday I realized how much that’s changed. She screams a few times a day, yeah, but she’s gone from wake-the-dead volume to the-neighbors-might-hear volume. But she does this because she doesn’t have the words yet. When she has them (which she’s learning, evidenced by her use of “no” lately) she will use them. Until then she doesn’t have another way. But she’s close.

I have been playing “ready set go” games with her since her therapist suggested it ages ago. Apparently getting her used to doing a fun activity on the word “go”, then just saying “ready set” would prompt her to say the word “go” herself to initiate. I have been doing this for months waiting for a response. Today, out of the blue... she was in a riding car at her grandparents’ house and I was pushing her. I looked down at her and said “ready set” and waited a moment, not really expecting her to say it. But she looked up at me and smiled so big and said “GO!” If the neighbors saw me pushing her around the yard crying I’m sure they were very confused.

The day I was told she has autism was the day my heart broke. I didn’t want her to be different. I didn’t want her to grow up “special”. I didn’t want her to be bullied. I didn’t want her to be “different”.

Her progress, since then, has mended my heart and then some. My daughter isn’t “special” because she has autism. She’s special because she’s opening my eyes and teaching me how to see things differently. She’s special because she’s my daughter. I may wish that things could be easier, but everyone wishes that. She was lucky enough to be born into a family that wants to do everything to make sure she gets what she needs to succeed.

My daughter isn’t perfect. But for me, that’s what makes her perfect.

[bashfulbastian]

A Day in the Life of a FTM Transgender Person

Some transgender people will argue that the hardest part of the day is waking up in the morning. I’m not going to try to say it’s easy. It’s not. It’s terrible. Because the morning routine and getting ready to go out in public is a dysphoria inducing hassle.

First things first is dragging my hormonally imbalanced body out of bed. Oh, didn’t think about that part? Having fluctuating hormones means small side effects like that. Being tired a lot is often among those until the testosterone is balanced and even. Which also means a second puberty. I went through the female puberty, now I get to do it all over again as a male. I get to deal with voice change, acne, body aches, mood swings, zero energy, and to top it all off, guess what I STILL get to deal with. Cramps. So on this particular morning, after dragging myself out of bed and realizing I have cramps that feel like I’m having another miscarriage, I get to be reminded yet again that I’ll never have the body I desire.

I look in the mirror. Still a female face. Still no facial hair. My glasses don’t help. They make me look like a new age librarian. I opt for contacts. I don’t even want to look at anything in the mirror below my neck. Sleeping means pajamas, which means clothing that isn’t restrictive, which means feeling every movement of every ounce of fat on my body underneath. And that means, again, being reminded of the ridiculous skin-bags full of fat hanging from my chest.

But there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead, I need to ignore it and shower. Which affects each trans person differently. I mostly like to pretend I’m just doing a job. I’m a car wash. I’m a dishwasher. This isn’t my body, it’s just a potato I’m washing off for dinner.

Nevertheless, there are times when the dysphoria spills out of its bucket and leaks into the rest of my troubled mind. During these times I end my shower as quickly as possible so I can put on clothes and not have to deal with this body’s reflection anymore.

And for a female to male trans person like myself, this is where the physical discomfort begins. I give my binder the stink eye from across the bathroom, wishing I didn’t have to deal with it anymore. If you don’t know what a binder is, it’s the tightest piece of clothing you can possibly imagine. And it doesn’t stretch. It makes your boobs flat. Which, honestly, doesn’t really fool anyone if you have a larger chest like I do. It basically just means I don’t have to hunch my shoulders QUITE as much as I would with only a sports bra on.

Putting the binder on is a difficult process. Something so tight with no give in it means a lot of gymnastics to situate properly. And in my case, because such a tight fit merely pushes my chest together into one spot right in the middle (donning the name “uniboob”), I get to add an extra step to the process, which is using some kind of body glue to make sure all my parts stay in place and not move throughout the day. I’ll add some glue to the bottom of the binder to make sure it doesn’t roll up, too.

Finally, I can focus on other things. I can marvel at the hair under my arms when I put on my manly smelling deodorant. I can style my hair in a masculine way. But wait, my hair is getting shaggy. Looks like it’ll be another long day of being misgendered because I don’t have a crew cut. But today, maybe I’ll just go get a haircut and fix that.

I choose a place that always did great cuts when I was presenting as a female. I would go in when I was younger and tell them “cut my hair however you want, whatever you think would look good.” Sometimes I’d get a trim, other times I’d get an amazing work of art! This time I just wanted something simple and had a picture. There are a lot of young girls that work there... I get the middle-aged man. Of course. I can already envision his reaction to the cut I want.

I have a picture of some male soccer player that I show him and also explain the shorter the better. He says okay, seems confident, and starts cutting away. When he’s finishing up and putting the gel in I get to see it. Still way too long. I ask him to take more off the top. He seems hesitant then cuts away a minuscule amount. I’m ready to show him the picture again and he says “oh! I left it a little longer because I figured you want it to look a little more feminine!”

He looks at me, pleased, like he’s expecting an excited “oh thank you so much you saved my hairdo!” I just force a smile because all I want to do is stand up and strangle him with the cord of his hair clippers. I pay and leave, wishing more than anything to just be able to disappear off the face of the earth.

I thank my lucky stars that I have hair clippers at home and decide I’m going to try cutting my hair myself. After an hour and a half of confusing mirror usage, worrying I cut off way too much, and not knowing if my hair is even on both side I shrug at myself and give up. It’s not TOO bad. It’s a good thing I’m artistic.

It’s later in the day, time to go back out and go to work. Work means a lot of things to a lot of trans people. I’ve always been in some sort of customer service, so that’s what I’m stuck with. The day progresses with customers calling me ma’am and my coworkers accidentally referring to me as female and making a huge ordeal about correcting themselves and explaining how they still need time to get used to it. It’s exhausting feeling like the token different person. More exhausting than you’d think. Having to say “it’s okay” and “don’t worry about it” only happens so many times before you wish like hell someone would just remember and not make it sound like it’s forced. Even when people do get it right, it sounds like they’re saying it like they want to be thanked. Like they’re doing me a favor. They don’t thank people for calling them the gender they want to be called, why should I have to be any different? You aren’t a martyr because you emphasize calling me “he” sometimes. Finally, it’s time to go home. Time to relax. Time to take off this binder that passed its recommended daily usage. Didn’t think about that either? Binders restrict to the point of causing bodily harm if worn for too long. I get a good 6-8 hours of binder wear before breathing starts to hurt and my ribs feel bruised. But, now we’ve come full circle. I take off my binder to put on my pajamas and I’m back to feeling the same way as I do in the morning. So basically, the point I’m trying to make is no matter what I’m doing during the day, no matter the situation or the time of day, I am always painfully aware, in one way or another whether it be mentally or physically, that I’m different from other people and I’m never going to be able to look or feel like the gender I should. So, while you’re looking in the mirror at the body you feel comfortable in, remember there’s people like me out here that, even after painful preparation, don’t get gendered correctly. We’re told we shouldn’t just get to “decide we’re a different gender”. Does this day seem like I’ve suddenly DECIDED I want to be male? Like I switch from one to the other on a whim? No. Being trans is expensive, painful, annoying and uncomfortable in many ways. We aren’t just wanting to try out the other gender. This is who we’re trying to be. This is who we want you to see. So why not show us a little more respect and take the extra 0.0001% of a second and call me the correct gender. Whether you THINK I’m female or male, call me by what I tell you to call me by. It doesn’t impact your life in any way at all. Try to tell me it does.