#basically what to do if you see a mountain lion (keep your kids close to you and don´t look away from it)

[ominous-signs]

ominous sign?

Official ominous sign

[holykillercake]

Strawberry and Cigarretes

pairing: Sanji x Reader

word count: 2.6k

highlight: ¨Everything hurt, and for the first time, you wished to forget what the ocean sounded like.¨ 

warnings: slight angst

notes: This was a request from @vemuabhi​! <3 Very special because it was my first ever request! I wanted to doge the obvious path (which I almost took) and do something that didn´t involve Whole Cake Island, so maybe it is not the biggest angst (hats off to Mr. Oda cause he is Father angst) but I did my very best! I hope you all enjoy and Happy Birthday, Sanji-kun! <3

𝕃𝕖𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕤, 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕤, 𝕠𝕣 𝕘𝕠𝕠𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕦𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕤!

Do you remember when you were a kid, and you´d find a shell laying on the sand? And you would pick it up and put it on your ear, hoping to listen to the ocean? It´d always make a smile grow on your face before you tossed it aside and jumped into the water.

That time was different. When you heard the ocean share its endless secrets and tell its adventurous stories, you just wanted to sit there all day and listen. 

This specific event happened a couple of months after you joined the Strawhats. Chopper had borrowed you his stethoscope cause you thought it was cool, and in the middle of thousands of things you´ve already heard in your life, good and bad, the heartbeat was something that you were oblivious to. 

Some would think that asking to hear someone else´s heartbeat was weird, but inside the Thousand Sunny... well, those guys put ¨weird¨ on another level, and you would have to work your ass off to surpass that. 

Chopper got all blushed when you leaned closer to his tiny and furry torso, Usopp told you stories about a war he once won but had to have his heart replaced by a lion´s, Franky said that if you wanted to see a heart he could simply pull it out for you, Brook invested on the same ¨Oh, I don´t have a heart. Yohohoho¨ joke, Zoro let you listen to his wrist, Nami and Robin almost had you sinking into their generous breasts, and Sanji... you left him for last because you didn´t know how to ask him. So you just tiptoed quietly inside the kitchen, sneaked behind him, and tried to listen to his heart through his back. You feared that your nose would start bleeding if he faced you while you were doing it. 

That was exactly what he did, by the way. He poured more water into the stew he was cooking and turned around, putting out his cigarette so ashes wouldn´t fall on you. Immediately you began to sweat, your breath quickened, and hold the stethoscope with a steady hand became a herculean task. 

His lean fingers moved to the collar of his blue shirt and started to unbutton a few, enough for you to have better access. At that point, you believed that the reason why you weren´t bleeding yet was that you were slowly having a stroke, and Sanji´s action was God´s gift to you for being a good person while alive. 

Then he didn´t do anything else, just put both hands in his pockets and waited while you listened to every single bubble popping inside his chest like you were afraid to miss one. In the end, he tucked a lock of hair behind your ear and went back to his stew.

But that was all about it. The following months were just like any other, the crew kept acting as weird as their minds allowed, and you kept shutting whatever your stupid heart was yelling at you. Although... if you could be honest for one moment, deep down you were hurt. 

Maybe you scared or crept him away with your childish curiosity. Maybe he had noticed your feelings for him and got disgusted. Well, not disgusted, he probably didn´t like you the same way and didn´t know how to tell you, so keeping words to a minimum was his way to go. 

He stopped singing and twirling around you, he´d rather call your name respectfully; when you shared the night watches, he just remained quiet by your side, answering briefly to your questions or comments; he even stopped trying to sneak into your baths or make suggestive comments - which you didn´t love before, but you know, you only miss something when it's gone. 

The whole crew had noticed the change in both of your behaviors, but they too were not sure how to address it. Whenever someone asked something about it you would say ¨Really? I didn´t notice anything.¨. Either too proud to confront him or too afraid of the truth. 

~

¨Oi, you ok?¨ Zoro asked, breaking into your personal bubble of sadness. 

You knew it was Zoro because you two were taking the night watch, but you didn´t expect him to show interest or concern about your upset state. 

The night was chilly, so you were sitting on Sunny´s grass, arms around your knees, holding them close to your chest to keep the warmth. 

¨Why do you care?¨ you answered bitterly, but he didn´t mind since he was the king of freaking Bitter Land. 

¨I don´t. But I´ll go crazy if I hear you sigh one more time.¨ he sat close to you, not too close, just enough for you to listen to each other.

A chuckle left your mouth involuntarily, you never expected his grouchy temper would come in handy in times like this. Then your frowned expression came back, and you let out another sigh. 

Before you realized Zoro had pushed you with his Sandai Kitetsu scabbard, making you fall to your side with a squeak. 

¨I told you.¨

You sat again, taking some grass off your leg ¨Yeah. Can´t deny it.¨

¨Yeah, you´ve been doing that a lot lately.¨ 

He didn´t look like he was teasing you, his eyes focusing on the line where the sky met the ocean, where the stars disappeared and became blurry white brushes on the water. 

¨I... I don´t-¨

¨I think you can do better than the stupid cook.¨he kept his usual tone ¨ But I guess we don´t get to choose these things.¨ 

You were taken aback by his words, and despite you trying to fight your lips from trembling and tears from falling, it was useless. You had been crushing these feelings inside you for too long, and it killed you the more you ignored it. 

The swordsman wasn´t saying those things because he loved you or anything like that, but because the entire crew - except for Luffy - had already noticed and began acting weird about it. And despite being the captain´s duty to solve any problem or an uncomfortable situation, your captain was a bit too oblivious, so he had to step in. 

Besides, his nakama was getting hurt. He didn´t care about the ero cook. 

¨If you want me to beat him up... just let me know.¨ 

He said it to cheer you up - not that he didn´t mean, he´d do it for much less - but nothing seemed worth smiling for now. You just bit your lip in order to avoid an embarrassing whining, since you were unable to stop the painful tears from rolling down your cheeks. 

Everything hurt, and for the first time, you wished to forget what the ocean sounded like.

¨W-What should I do?¨

¨That´s not my problem to solve, Y/N.¨ he stood up beside you ¨But sometimes, when I have a difficult problem that I can´t solve my way...¨ his gaze still locked with the horizon ¨... I think about what my captain would do.¨ he left without any further words, leaving you not only sad but confused as well. 

You slept on it for the next couple of days, still not understanding what he meant. Maybe he just wanted to leave the conversation and said whatever came to mind. But even that didn´t fit right. If he didn´t want to be stuck in an uncomfortable conversation, he wouldn´t have started one. 

So you took as a personal mission to observe your captain until you learned how to think like him, hoping that figuring that out would solve your problem. 

You had joined the crew as a historian, the person responsible for writing down every adventure meticulously, every tiny detail of every battle, and every glorious victory along the Strawhats journey. So in one dusk, when you were in charge of the night watch with Robin and the moon was full and bright, you took your journals and began rolling through the pages, looking for a pattern, something that anticipated every major decision of your captain.

You even borrowed old diaries from the time you were not part of their crew. The stories lacked details, but they served to paint a picture. Basically:

Luffy insults an ugly lady, saves a kid, eats something, finds Zoro, beats the crap out of a crazy marine, saves the day, gets his first crewmate. 

Luffy gets eaten by a bird, then vomited in a town, finds Nami, eats something, is put in a cage, beat the crap out of some pirates, saves the day.

 Luffy wants a new ship, meets Usopp, eats something, gets thrown from a cliff, beats the crap out of some pirates, saves the day, gets Going Merry and a liar. 

Luffy wants a cook, explodes a restaurant, becomes a waiter, eats something, meets Sanji, beats the crap out of some pirates, saves the day, gets a cook. 

Luffy eats something, finds the fishmen, goes for a walk, is thrown in the water, beats the crap out of some pirates, saves the day, gets a navigator.

Luffy wants a doctor, eats everything, fights some crazy ass bunnies, climbs a mountain, meets Chopper, beats the crap out of some pirates, saves the day, gets a doctor. 

Luffy eats something, wants to fix Going Merry, meets Franky, loses Robin, beats the crap out of some world government agents, saves the day, gets an archeologist, a shipwright, and Thousand Sunny. 

Luffy hears a ghoulish singing, finds a speaking skeleton in a busted ship, has his shadow stolen, beats the crap out of some Warlord of the Sea, gets a musician.

When you finished the last journal, the weight of your body pushed you to the floor, and you laid on your back for a couple of minutes, overwhelmed by the amount of information in your head.

¨I know what to do...¨ you took a deep breath ¨... I´m gonna eat something.¨

You mumbled something to Robin, telling her that you´d be back in a few minutes, and wandered to the kitchen. 

As soon as you entered the room a sweet and comforting aroma like whipped cream and strawberries invaded your senses, making your head turn to the counter immediately. 

¨Y/N-chan...¨ the cook said.

You opened and closed your mouth a couple of times, looked at him, and then to your feet, your fingers fidgeting as a sign of your anxious state. 

¨D-Didn't know you were awake.¨ you marched to the table and helped yourself with some sugar cookies.

¨Oh... It won´t take much longer...¨ you heard his muffled voice somewhere in the back of your mind, all you could hear was the blood pumping in your ears ¨... cake because today is my birthday and I thought we...¨ your vision was focused on the cookie jar, crushing the granular biscuit with your fingertips ¨...and I...I didn´t know if-¨

¨What would Luffy do?¨ you whispered to yourself.

¨W-What?¨ 

¨What would Luffy do?¨ 

The question wasn´t for him, it was for you. You felt something growing inside your chest, like the blood that pumped in your heart was boiling and burning, giving you the strength and courage you needed. 

¨I have been trying to find answers to a lot of things, you know?¨ you stood up to face the cook, palms spread on the table, ¨I ... do you hate me, Sanji?¨ 

He stopped what he was doing and let the knife rest on the cutting board. When his gaze found yours, there was no way back. That is what Luffy would do. He´d eat something, do whatever came to his mind, and deal with the consequences. No need to go back. 

¨Y/N-chan... why do you...¨

¨I mean, I ask this because...¨ you clenched your hands, cursing yourself for feeling the need to cry ¨I can´t take this anymore, Sanji! If I did something to offend you or if I said something...¨ your voice was broken and weak, and you were a mess of tears and sobs ¨You don´t have to love me back, that´s not what I am saying, but... I can´t stand-¨

¨Y/N-chan... why do you think I hate you?¨ he wiped his hands with a towel and made his way towards you, slowly.

¨Oh, come on, Sanji... You treat me differently, you´re cold and distant, you don´t say a word to me even when we share night shifts! If you don´t hate me, then this must be a sick game you´re playing.¨ your legs felt wobbly, and you sat back in the chair, not being able to face him anymore.  The courage and strenght you had minutes ago was gone.

You just watched him get closer and kneel in front of you, his cold fingers gently brushing away the hot tears on your cheeks. 

¨I could never hate you, Y/N.¨ he said softly ¨I am sorry I made you feel like this, I am sorry I made you cry...¨ his fingers touched your trembling lips. 

¨Then why...¨

¨I didn´t want to scare you away like I always do, Y/N... I know I can be too much sometimes, with the nose bleeding and everything. But that´s how I am, and I didn´t want you to think of me as an idiot... so I prefer being silent, then say something stupid and... ¨ 

¨You don´t have to say this. I don´t need pity talk...¨you spoke as more tears fell, giving him a chance to take his statement back.

¨I have to, Y/N. But not because of pity talk.¨ he gently pressed his forehead against yours, like bunnies do when they apologize. 

¨Then why?¨ 

¨Because I love you, Y/N.¨ the blonde closed the space left between the two of you, kissing you passionately. 

He helped you get up without breaking the kiss and leaned you against the kitchen table, his hands holding your body close while yours ran through his golden hair. His mouth tasted like strawberries and cigarettes, a flavor to which you could easily get addicted. 

You parted the kiss just enough to get some oxygen, your noses were touching, and you could feel his heavy breathing against your skin. 

¨I didn´t know today is your birthday...¨ you whispered, afraid that this was a dream and you´d wake up alone again. 

¨Yeah, I was hoping to get a Happy Birthday from you, you know.¨ he chuckled.

¨I think you´ll be getting more than that.¨

You stared into each other´s eyes for a moment before he pulled you to a hug. When you leaned against his warm chest you heard it again, the same babble of the ocean, only this time you smiled, knowing that it wanted to listen to your stories and secrets as well. 

¨Sanji?¨

¨Hm?¨

¨Happy Birthday... I love you.¨

¨I love you too, Y/N.¨ he kissed you again.

¨Please, don´t have sex on the dinner table.¨ you jumped when Robin spoke.

 When you turned, you saw all your crewmates dressed in pajamas and messy hair staring back at you with sparkly sleepy eyes. You spot Zoro back in the crowd, you smiled and gave him a silent ¨Thank you.¨. You couldn´t help but wonder how the guy who manages to gets lost walking down a straight path was able to guide some sense into you. 

In any way, you´ve found it. Inside of his chest, inside of his heart was the All Blue you heard so much of. Maybe that was the thing with it, and why only a few people found it. Everyone assumes that it is a place, where the four Blues meet, but it´s easy to forget that when you´re a pirate the ocean becomes the essence of who you are.

Little did you know that Sanji had found his All Blue too.

[agnes-come-back-challenge]

Who wants a full comparison of episodes 1, 25, and 111 of Welcome to Night Vale? Because I love comparing these episodes and also I have no impulse control. Let’s go

(Spoilers up to episode 111, obviously. Also, I’ll bold every other segment so that it’s easier to tell which ones I’m comparing)

((This is gonna be an incredibly long post. I’m very sorry))

A friendly desert community, where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Night Vale. (1)

A friendly desert community, where the sun is still hot, the moon still beautiful, and mysterious lights still pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Night Vale. (25)

A friendly desert community, where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead, while we lay open eyed, watching it all. Welcome to Night Vale. (111)

Hello listeners. To start things off, I’ve been asked to read this brief notice. The City Council announces the opening of a new Dog Park at the corner of Earl and Summerset, near the Ralphs. They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the Dog Park. People are not allowed in the Dog Park. It is possible you will see hooded figures in the Dog Park. do not approach them. Do not approach the Dog Park. The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the Dog Park and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures. The Dog Park will not harm you. (1)

One single year since two major events in our town’s history. First, the opening of our lovely, state-of-the-art Dog Park, which is forbidden, and which I will not mention again. (25)

The City Council reiterated for the 1,874th consecutive day that the Dog Park is off limits for both dogs and humans. The fence is electrified and highly dangerous etc. Hooded figures and all that. Since its construction we have shied from and feared the Dog Park. The Dog Park is neither a park nor for dogs, and so what does it even mean to call it a dog park? Why do we use language that means one thing to describe something that is entirely else? I don’t know what the word is for that place the City Council calls the dog park, but I do know it’s time to start searching for that word, and once found, to use it boldly. (111)

And now the news. Old Woman Josie, out near the car lot, says the Angels revealed themselves to her. Said they were ten feet tall, radiant, one of them was black. Said they helped her with various household chores. One of them changed a light bulb for her, the porch light. She’s offering to sell the old light bulb, which has been touched by an angel (it was the black angel, if that sweetens the pot for anyone). If you’re interested, contact Old Woman Josie. She’s out near the car lot. (1)

[none] (25)

The angels, who I can now say are angels, and will say are angels, because they are angels, held a memorial for Old Woman Josie in her house. Everyone in town came, overcome with a feeling that finally they could look at these beings and recognize them for what they were. Even the City Council attended the memorial, but refused to make eye contact with anyone. Of course, this positive, concrete identification only led to more mysteries, for if these are angels, then where did they come from? And what does that mean for us? Even now we find that we cannot voice these questions. Not because we are not allowed. But because we cannot find the words to ask. Instead we ate cake and drank coffee in the living room of Old Woman Josie, which was once just that, a place she lived. Now it is only a room. One by one, we laid our hand on the Angels’ hands, and in that moment of contact each of us, in turn, found ourselves weeping. As the party wound down, we all heard a soft pop outside. It was the lightbulb on Old Woman Josie���s porch, burning out. (111)

A new man came in to town today. Who is he? What does he want from us? Why his perfect and beautiful haircut? Why his perfect and beautiful coat? He says he is a scientist. Well, we have all been scientists at one point or another in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does he plan to do with all those beakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab he’s renting, the one next to Big Rico’s Pizza. No one does a slice, like Big Rico. No one. (1)

Second, and more important, it is one year since the arrival in Night Vale of our most beloved and singular citizen. (25)

A man who I know very well came into my house today, which is also his house. He laid his head, with its perfect and beautiful hair, upon my shoulder, and crossed his arms over his perfect and beautiful lab coat. I embraced him. We are creatures of touch, humans, and we retrieve so much meaning and happiness from contact. “I have become too complacent,” he said. “When I came here, I understood this town as scientifically fascinating. And then, gradually, it became my day to day life. I could no longer see the strangeness, but only my home.” “We are all guilty of that,” I said. “But I am a scientist,” he said.“Well,” I said. “We have all been scientists at one point or another in our lives.” (111)

Just a reminder to all the parents out there. Let’s talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the scrub lands and the sand wastes. You need to give them plenty of water, make sure there’s a shade tree in the area, and keep an eye on the helicopter colors. Are the unmarked helicopters circling the area black? Probably World Government, not a good area for play that day. Are they blue? That’s the Sheriff’s Secret Police, they’ll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one. Are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving? No one knows what those helicopters are, or what they want. Do not play in the area. Return to your home and lock the doors until a Sheriff’s Secret Policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed. Cover your ears to blot out the screams. Also, remember: Gatorade is basically soda, so give your kids plain old water and maybe some orange slices when they play. (1)

Parents: Let’s talk about safety when taking your children to play out in the scrub lands and the sand wastes. All children in Night Vale are missing this week, so there’s no current safety issues. Hope we find them! (25)

Just a reminder to all the parents out there. Let’s talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the scrub lands and the sand wastes. You need to give them plenty of water, make sure there’s a shade tree in the area, and keep an eye on the helicopter colors. I asked my best friend and brother, Steve, to talk me through which helicopters belong to which organizations. Obviously the black helicopters belong to the World Government, although I had not realized, until Steve laid it out for me, how closely they are also associated with the Lizard People. The blue ones are Sheriff’s Secret Police, the pink ones are the new Double Secret Police, and the ones painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving? Well not even Steve knows what those helicopters are, nor what they want. On Steve’s chart, those are just labeled with the word RUN and then a few hundred exclamation points. (111)

A commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today, only to reappear in the Night Vale Elementary gymnasium during basketball practice, disrupting practice quite badly. The jet roared through the small gym for only a fraction of a second, and before it could strike any players or structure, it vanished again, this time apparently for good. There is no word yet on if or how this will affect the Night Vale Mountain Lion’s game schedule, and also if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals, the Desert Bluffs Cacti. Desert Bluffs is always trying to show us up through fancier uniforms, better pre-game snacks, and quite possibly by transporting a commercial jet into our gymnasium, delaying practice for several minutes at least. For shame, Desert Bluffs. For shame. (1)

In other news, a commercial airliner appeared today inside the home of surprised Night Vale citizen Becky Canterbury, who said she was about to get in the shower when it roared down her hallway and then disappeared, as suddenly as it had arrived. There is no conclusive evidence that this is the same airliner last seen in the Night Vale Elementary gym one year ago, but we have jumped to that conclusion and will defend it against all naysayers, violently and without mercy. Our truths may or may not be true, but they are ours, and we stand by them, even as the experts and skeptics hold aloft clipboards and intone to us about snow and mountains. Becky added that she would like to take that shower now, and that she has no idea how we managed to arrive for an interview mere seconds after the incident occurred. “My doors are locked.” she said. “My windows too. I’ve had my eyes shut for years. How did you get in here?” (25)

A commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today, only to reappear at the fifth hole of the Sagebrook Pines Private Golf Club and Bulk Supplier. This disrupted all golf activities badly, as well as scaring a family of four who were perusing bulk paper towels offered at a discount price in a nearby sandtrap. I feel, for the first time, that I can articulate that this airliner had flown into some other universe, those divisions being particularly thin here in our quaint little community. This also is the cause of things like dead relatives occasionally joining us for breakfast, or the shimmering skyscrapers and crowded cities that appear for flashing moments in the sky. Of course, it also could be the handywork of the East Night Vale Cacti, the basketball team at the new East Night Vale Elementary School. Those scamps are always pulling pranks. Could they transport a large plane through multiple universes? Who am I to say? But probably yes. For shame, East Night Vale. For shame. (111)

The local chapter of the NRA is selling bumper stickers as part of their fundraising week. They sent the station one to get some publicity, and we’re here to serve the community, so I’m happy to let you all know about it. The stickers are made from good, sturdy vinyl, and they read: “Guns don't kill people. It's impossible to be killed by a gun. We are all invincible to bullets and it's a miracle.” Stand outside of your front door and shout “NRA” to order one. (1)

The local chapter of the NRA has begun market testing some possible new slogans. These include: “Guns don't kill people. Blood loss and organ damage does.” “Guns don't kill people. People kill guns.” “A list of things that kill people: 1. Conceivably anything. 2. Not guns.” “Guns don't kill people. We are all immortal souls living temporarily in shelters of earth and meat.” and “If you say guns kill people one more time I will shoot you with a gun and you will, coincidentally, die.” To vote on the new slogan, simply fire a gun at the object or person that best represents your choice. (25)

The local chapter of the NRA is selling bumper stickers as part of their fundraising week. The stickers are made from good, sturdy vinyl and they read “We genuinely do not value human life.” Cute! (111)

Carlos and his team of scientists warn that one of the houses in the new development of Desert Creek, out back of the elementary school, doesn’t actually exist. “It seems like it exists,” explained Carlos and his perfect hair. “Like it’s just right there when you look at it, and it’s between two other identical houses so it would make more sense for it to be there than not” But, he says, they have done experiments and the house is definitely not there. At news time, the scientists are standing in a group on the sidewalk in front of the nonexistent house, daring each other to go knock on the door. (1)

Scientists, and science in general, would like to remind you that some things exist and some things do not. Usually, you can apply the simple test of seeing if it is there. If it is there, it exists. If not, it probably doesn’t, but it might just be currently existing somewhere else. Existence is tricky, the scientists say. Research shows this. For instance, there is that house in the housing development of Desert Creek out back of the elementary school, the house that doesn’t exist. It seems like it exists. Like it’s just right there when you look at it, and it’s between two other identical houses so it would make more sense for it to be there than not. But it does not exist. They have proved this with science. The scientists still haven’t gotten up the nerve to ring the doorbell and find out what happens. Do you want to do it? They’ll pay you five dollars if you do. Just ring it once ok. We’ll be watching from back here. You’ll probably be fine. (25)

Carlos and his scientists, like Luisa and Nilanjana, are renewing their investigation into the house in the development of Desert Creek, out back of the elementary school. The house that doesn’t actually exist. “It seems like it exists,” muttered Carlos. “Like it’s just right there when you look at it, and it’s between two other identical houses so it would make more sense for it to be there than not.” But he says, it is actually a doorway to another world. A world he himself was once stuck in for a year. There seem to be secrets about that year he is keeping to himself. Maybe someday we will learn what they are. (111)

Lights, seen in the sky above the Arby’s. Not the glowing sign of Arby’s. Something higher and beyond that. We know the difference. We’ve caught on to their game. We understand the lights above Arby’s game. Invaders from another world. Ladies and gentlemen the future is here. And it’s about a hundred feet above the Arby’s. (1)

But here, Carlos and I sat on the trunk of that car, his car, looking together at the lights up in the sky above the Arby’s. They were beautiful in the hushed twilight, shimmering in a night sky already coming alive with bits of the universe. [...] We understand the lights. We understand the lights above the Arby’s. We understand so much. But the sky behind those lights, mostly void, partially stars, that sky reminds us: we don’t understand even more. (25)

Lights, seen in the sky above the Arby’s. Not the glowing sign of Arby’s. Something higher and beyond that. One night, years ago, two people, scared and vulnerable and loving and ready, came together for a quiet moment under that sky. And I pretended at the time to understand the lights. But a big part of recognizing the world for what it is, is recognizing when you have no idea. Invaders from another world? Harbingers of future terror? A fragment of another universe, fading into our own above reasonably priced lunch meat? Maybe any. Maybe all. Maybe none. But here is what I do know. The lights are, among other things, a part of my memory, and a part of my marriage, and a part of my love. They are a piece of my past, and I don’t need to understand them to understand that. Ladies and gentlemen the past is here. And it’s about a hundred feet above the Arby’s. (111)

The City Council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens, and the hierarchy of angels. The reminder is that you should not know anything about this. The structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are privileged information, known only to City Council members on a need to know basis. Please to do not speak to or acknowledge any angels that you may come across while shopping at the Ralphs or at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. They only tell lies, and do not exist. Report all angels sightings to the City Council for treatment. (1)

The City Council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens, and the hierarchy of angels. The reminder is that you still should not know anything about this. The structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are still privileged information. Also, angels aren’t real. “I really get tired of having to say this,” a City Council representative said to a group of disgruntled angels. “Angels aren’t real. They just aren’t.” The angels became unruly and were dispersed by a thunderclap from heaven. (25)

The City Council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens and the hierarchy of angels. The reminder is the Council is grumpy that all of this is not forbidden knowledge, but due to the new laws, they are required to inform you that the angels have made all of that information available. Stop by the house where the angels live if you want to pick up a free packet outlining exactly how all of that is organized. While the packet itself is free, it is likely the angels will ask to borrow five dollars. They tend to do that. (111)

Speaking of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, its owner, Teddy Williams, reports that he has found the entrance to a vast, underground city in the pin retrieval area of lane 5. He said he has not yet ventured into it, merely peered down at its strange spires and broad avenues. He also reports voices of a distant crowd in the depths of that subterranean metropolis. Apparently the entrance was discovered when a bowling ball accidentally rolled into it, clattering down to the city below with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern. So, you know, whatever population that city has, they know about us now and we might be hearing from them very soon. (1)

Word is in about a disturbance at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. There has been the sound of chanting and machinery from under the pin retrieval area of lane five, and Teddy Williams has changed all the bowlers’ names on the electronic scorecards to “THEY ARE HERE”. This is causing some confusion and has completely ruined Jeremy Godfrey's 50th birthday party, which had rented out a few lanes for the afternoon. Jeremy was last seen drinking a light beer out of a plastic cup, shaking his head sadly as he swished the liquid around and looking out the window at the sky, mostly void, partially stars. Teddy Williams was last seen howling, commanding his militia to surround the pin retrieval area and prepare for an attack. (25)

Over at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, Teddy Williams, its owner, reported the startling news that there is nothing under the pin retrieval area of lane 5. As you may remember, there has been a tiny city of warlike people under the bowling alley for several years now, which has caused some trouble, although not a lot of trouble, because they were very tiny people. But now there is just a hole in the earth under the pin retrieval area, an empty space containing only my own memories of a night that someone I loved almost died before I had a chance to truly love him. So good riddance to whatever that town was. (111)

Carlos, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier but declined to stay for an interview. He had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes. Said he was testing the place for materials. I don’t know what materials he meant, but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot. When he put it close to the microphone, it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up. Really went crazy. Carlos looked nervous. I’ve never seen that kind of look on someone with that strong of a jaw. He left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the building, but then, who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there. (1)

I arrived at the parking lot to find Carlos, perched on the trunk of his car in flannel and jeans, his perfect hair mussed, his perfect teeth hidden. “What is it?” I said. “What danger are we in? What mystery needs to be explored?” He shook his head. “Nothing,” he said. “After everything that happened...I just wanted to see you.” My heart leapt. My heart soared. My heart, metaphorically, performed a number of aerial activities, and, literally, it began beat hard. (25)

Carlos, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier, and we ate lunch together out of Tupperwares. He had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes. When he put it close to the microphone, it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up. Really went crazy. He asked if I remembered it. He had brought it by on the first day we had met. He had told me that it tested for materials, but he wasn’t actually sure what materials it tested for. He had just wanted an excuse to come by and talk to me. “Anyway,” he said, “I thought it was a nice memento. Back when we were fumbling awkwardly toward this life we share.” “But,” he added, “it’s a real instrument that is detecting some actual materials of some kind, so there is a good chance that everything about this studio is deeply dangerous. Please be careful.” (111)

Settling in to be another clear and pretty evening here in Night Vale. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with, or at least good memories of when you did. Good night, listeners. Good night. (1)

We understand the lights. We understand the lights above the Arby’s. We understand so much. But the sky behind those lights, mostly void, partially stars, that sky reminds us: we don’t understand even more. Good night, Night Vale. Good night. (25)

Settling in to be another clear and pretty evening here in Night Vale, this weird, weird town. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with. I know I do. Good night, listeners. Good night. (111)

[merinnan]

Time Raiders

Okay, pausing the DMBJ 2 watches to watch the Time Raiders movie instead! I've been told that the entire movie is basically one big crackfic & I want to see how true that is

- Apparently the only place I can find it is YouTube 

- And we open with someone laying down cards which...seem to be making a qilin pattern. Okay. 

- And now we're at the Himalayas, and it seems to be a bunch of white soldiers shooting people? 

- Oh, this leader white guy has a classic villain look. I love the pocket watch, too 

- Wait, he's supposed to be a scientist? 

 - He obviously hasn't read the Evil Overload Handbook 

- And now this is giving me flashbacks to Xiaoge's first appearance in DMBJ1

- Ah, yes, I think this is the Xiaoge for this movie. Excellent. 

- DUDES. You have GUNS. You were using them just before. Why are you now using knives only? 

- I mean, it wouldn't do much better, because Xiaoge, but still 

- This is A Look

- Finally, one of them uses a gun, and it's as useless as I expected it would be 

- Ahahahah, omg, what he did to these two guys is hilarious 

- That is a TERRIBLE hiding place 

- Don't....don't leave him alive. JFC

- This flashback montage is super weird 

- Look, I don't have a tattoo myself, but I'm pretty sure that that's not how you get tattoos 

- And now we move to Wushanju 

- Oh, I think it's Sanshu who's been playing with those cards

- ...you have got to be kidding me 

- Really? We're really doing this? 

- I guess this is Wu Xie, then 

- What even did he just randomly put that mask on for 

- That is NOT a newborn

- Awww, kid Wu Xie 

- Yay, creepy old houses. And ofc kid Wu Xie is gonna try to get inside 

- But that is a fucking massive lock 

- Yes, of course, wrap the porch in giant fuckoff chains, but don't lock the front door. Why not? 

- ....k 

- Sure, that happened

- And bratty kid Wu Xie still pinched one of the medallions after all of that 

- Okay, yeah, if you were a kid who had to go to a funeral every month, no wonder you'd be so bored at them

- This movie is all over the place in terms of timeline 

- I think we're finally into the time period of the main story 

- And it seems this one also has Wu Xie as having been an architecture student of some kind

- Oh, yes, that's exactly what you want to find while crawling through a tunnel 

- WX: "Sanshu can never know about this. You didn't tell him, right?" 

WM: *oh shit I'm screwed face* 

- Hi Sanshu, I wonder how you got here

- I love that no matter what version it is, Wu Xie is a little shit XD 

- ...Wu Xie. Moths. Light. No. 

- Wu Xie gonna Wu Xie 

- Wu Xie, what are you doing? 

- OMG 

- Sanshu, this is all your fault for never letting him in anything like this. He doesn't know not to touch

- Wow, that wasn't subtle at all 

- That's some steampunky looking villain lair right there 

- I love how the 'passerby video' getting screened fucking everywhere is just the movie footage of that scene XD That's some high quality passerby video with interesting angles

- That's an interesting drinking spot, Xiaoge 

- I love that so far Wu Xie's instincts for everything is either 'touch it', 'wear it', or 'dismantle it' 

- ....okay 

- Yeah, I....I think this is going to be my reaction to most of the movie, tbh

- Although at least this whole magic Snake Empress and weird ancient technology/magic thing is more interesting than the bland het palace drama randomly dropped into the middle of DMBJ1 

- Oh, finally, some product placement 

- I was wondering what was taking it so long

- I love how all their desks and papers and such are inside what look like coffins, and then fold out 

- Oh look, Xiaoge's sword is inside one of the coffins. 

- And there's Xiaoge 

- Hei Ye gave Sanshu the sword decades ago?

- lol, this is like some Sword in the Stone bullshit right here 

 - I love it 

- a) Was all that really necessary 

- b) wtf even is that sword? 

- It's a really bizarre design, and surely being able to be moved like a mechanical device would weaken it?

- ...okay, that was a cute meeting, I'll give it that 

- Love how the older guys are teasing Wu Xie in the truck here. 

- Oh, Wu Xie's actually a psych student in this one

- And like, Wu Xie, how do you know Xiaoge was looking at his reflection. It's a window, he might have just been spacing out at the scenery 

- You must have been paying a lot of attention to him to notice it was the reflection he was actually looking at, hmmm? 👀

- This is a cute Wu Xie, tho 

- Yes, Wu Xie, despite your lack of modesty there I totally caught that you just called Xiaoge handsome 

- WU XIE WHAT NO DON'T DO THAT 

- Hahaha, Xiaoge had exactly the same reaction

- No, Wu Xie, it doesn't matter that you'd taken the ammo out, you should never stick the barrel of a gun in your face and look down it like that. 

- Even if you're certain it's unloaded, you just DON'T DO THAT

- Wu Xie, lacking impulse control and survival instincts without Xiaoge and Pangzi since....forever 

- (okay, lacking survival instincts was perhaps a bit too far, but still)

- I love Xiaoge's "omg what even are you" look at that 

- This is a very talkative and open to talking about himself Xiaoge 

- It's kind of weird

- lol @ Sanshu locking Wu Xie in the truck so he can't come with them 

 - I mean, really, does he actually expect this to work? 

- He knows his nephew both likes and is good at taking things apart, after all 

- lol, I knew it 

- Oh 

- Oh, that's not a good sign

- Even Coral's logo just screams 'villainous organisation' 

- These mercenaries look like video game characters from like COD or something 

- Oh hi, lady I presume is A-Ning 

- I like the haircut. Looks kinda like DMBJ 1 Xiaoge's haircut, just with the fringe over the opposite eye

- Oh, there's that gratuitous boob shot that @thosch3i​ told me about 

- I really don't see why it was necessary for A-Ning to crawl all over the truck like that when everyone else just walked past it

- There is some really nice scenery in this movie with all the mountains and cliffs and such 

- "What I'm doing isn't about right or wrong, it's about how much" I like this A-Ning. She is refreshingly direct and mercenary

- Damn, I though Xiaoge was going to notice the drone. I mean, it's so close to them! He should notice it! 

- Love Hendrix's surprised Pikachu face at recognising him, though 

- I'm honestly surprised that none of them have looked in the truck at all

- I do appreciate that this movie doesn't even attempt to pretend that they're not tomb raiders 

- And that they have no interest in preserving this place 

- Because BOOM! Let's just dynamite our way in and destroy half the wall

- Oops, no floor there 

- Hahaha, this tomb is a fucking platform game 

 - Lovely, a shootout in a tomb. Just what every good tomb raiding movie need 

 - lol, Sanshu 

- Don't you ever ever again wonder where your nephew's little shit tendencies come from

- I think Xiaoge and A-Ning are the only truly competent people on their respective teams 

- A-Ning, 'keep them alive' does not mean 'try to shoot one in the face at close range' 

- That little boot knife is kinda cute, though 

- Clever move, Pan Zi

- I love the Xiaoge/A-Ning fight. He really is the only one who could keep her distracted 

- I'm impressed at how well she held her own with him 

- IDK why he was holding back

- Also, Xiaoge participating in fight banter, no matter how minimal? Strange, but also kinda cool. 

- I'm going to be giggling about that "Not bad"/"I know" for awhile, I think 

- IDK how they had the time or the ability to stay still long enough to rig up that trap, I'm impressed

- lol, yeah, I didn't think that it would take Wu Xie long to get out of the truck 

- I take back my earlier comment about it being too harsh to say that Wu Xie lacks survival instincts without Xiaoge and Pangzi around

- Wu Xie, there is not enough light down here for you to get good shots without your flash being on 

- I know having your flash on is a BAD idea, but still 

- You cannot be getting good photos in this light

- Why is Xiaoge separated from everyone? He jumped down with them 

- I mean, it's good that he is, otherwise Wu Xie would be kinda screwed right now 

- Huh, bats, there must be an actual entrance to this tomb, not just the one that Sanshu's team made.

- A-Ning's tiny baby drones are so cute 

- The English dubbing in this is surprisingly good compared to the shows 

- Yes, good, the staring is starting 

- ...Wu Xie, you little shit 

 - He's so pleased with himself 

- Xiaoge is so confused until he explains it 

- OMG, a Xiaoge smile

- OMG A XIAOGE LAUGH

- Ah yes, multiple large tornadoes, a way to signify weird shit is going now 

- And weird spinny planets forming an...energy grid of some kind? 

- ...k 

- The mini drones apparently only pick up on people who are part of A-Ning's team, I guess

- JESUS 

- I mean, I had a strong suspicion that was gonna happen, but it still made me jump 

- Xiaoge to the rescue! 

- Damn, that sword is strong 

- This tomb definitely has a spider colony, but given it also has a bat colony that doesn't surprise me

- Those are some creepy looking mannequins 

- This set up looks like a game of Mouse Trap 

- A game of Mouse Trap with fire 

- That's actually a really cool way to light all the candles and lamps 

- I'm impressed that none of the cobwebs have caught on fire

- Oh, so NOW you use your flash, Wu Xie. When the room is all well lit and you don't actually need it 

- CREEEEEPY 

- Wu Xie and his compulsive need to touch things 

- Are all the puppets connected somehow, or are we gonna have spooky magical shit making them all come to life?

- Oh, the puppet band is like the bells, I guess 

- Huh, it seems Wu Xie's the only one who got thrown into memories in these illusions, everyone else's hallucination still has them inside the tomb 

- wtf, a lion is a weird thing to hallucinate

- Magic Zhang blood, go! 

- IDK why he needs to cut himself for each person, though, surely one cut should be enough to get all the drops of blood he needs 

- Good boy, Wu Xie, already so protective of his Xiaoge

- This really is a fucking platform game 

- Guys, this is why you study up on the raid mechanics BEFORE you enter the instance 

- Ahahahah, the music playing as Wu Xie basically dances with the sword trap

- lol, the look on Xiaoge's face as he realises Wu Xie is just...fucking dancing and taking photos 

- And that it's WORKING 

- OMFG, this is basically just a bizarre dance sequence 

- I love it 

- It's so stupid

- The puppets having fucking crossbows 

- Because ofc they do 

- Repeating crossbows 

- ...k 

- So now we have a room full of skeletons stuffed into cages 

- Why not 

- Ah, we're about to have bugs show up 

- Excellent 

- This is what I've been waiting for

- Let the hilarity begin continue 

- Dude, you can quit right now as much as you like, but it doesn't mean you're going to be able to get out of here by yourself 

- I guess this guy's gonna die now 

- For the tropes are hungry and must be fed 

- Much like the bugs

- Yep, here we go 

- Hello, shibie, I've been expecting you 

- These ones don't look as cartoonishly ridiculous as the ones in DMBJ 1, I'm sad 

- OMFG, it's eating the shovel/pick/thing 

- Okay, this is a good effort at cartoonish ridiculousness

- It's a lovely day in the tomb, and these are horrible shibie 

- Poor Wu Xie, so shocked at getting slapped

- And yeah. Yeah, that's about the only thing you can do there. 

- Only way to save the guy is to just give him a quick death so he doesn't suffer from being eaten alive

- They're lucky these shibie move so slowly. It gives them plenty of time to climb up onto those frames 

- lol, weird bendy sword again 

- Wow, good catch, Wu Xie 

- Y'know, Wu Xie, it might have been more useful to give the knife to Da Kui 

- And ofc Wu Xie falls down

- What is a DMBJ adaptation without Wu Xie getting himself into danger like this?

- That was so much wtf all at once 

- First, an unbroken flute just, like, laying there on the ground 

- Then, Wu Xie somehow thinking that playing it would save him from the bugs 

- Then that WORKED 

- He's like the fucking Pied Piper of the shibie 

- What even is this movie

- Haha, the little OK sign he flashes at Xiaoge 

- The wtf look on Xiaoge's face 

- Same, Xiaoge. Same 

- I love how everyone just. Accepts it & congratulates Wu Xie on being an awesome flute player 

- But then ig what else are you gonna do? 

- It's like, well, this may as well happen

- Sanshu's team really likes using grenades, huh? 

- Well, it does work pretty well! 

- See, Wu Xie, this is when you need to summon your bugs back

- On a completely different tangent, I cannot get over how weirdly the subs translate men you ping. I had to look up wtf shtum was. I've never come across it before. Is it something more commonly used in the US or something?

- Xiaoge, when you said you had a better way than digging under the door, I didn't think you meant just BATTERING THE FUCKING DOOR WITH THE SHOVEL 

- Oh, no, it's with your sword

- Because the best way to look after a sharp blade and keep it in good condition and keep a good edge is to...hack at rocks with it 

- Ofc 

- Why didn't I think of that? 

-  OK, ig fucking up your sword's edge did actually work, there's now a giant-ass hole in the door

- This is serious Day After Tomorrow vibes here

- Ah, yes, giant lightning strikes that cause so much force to travel through the earth that they can semi-collapse a tunnel deep underneath a mountain 

- Just your usual tomb robbing dangers 

- Physicists and meteorologists would have a fucking field day here

- Ah, I see we're at this level of the platform game 

- With the collapsing floor you need to get across without falling

- Okay, that's really kinda sweet of Wu Xie here. He thinks he's likely to die, and the most important thing to him is giving Xiaoge the pictures he took of him so that he doesn't lose all his memories 

- And aww, Xiaoge's so worried about him

- Like, I'm totally understanding why the transmigrated Wu Xie in that fic looked at these two and went "wow, we're so gay in this timeline" 

- Even the music in this scene is shipping it 

- Romantic line, and dramatic fall through the floor. Yep.

- I'm amazed he survived that fall, but it's Wu Xie, and he can't die 

- ...yes, ancient Persian architecture totally had anachronistic technology. Sure. This is definitely like that 

- omfg, they're statis chambers 

- 2000 year old stasis chambers

- Guess they're not worried about catching Sanshu and his team to get the key anymore. They've been kinda sidetracked 

- Side quests will do that 

- ...plant golems 

- "Don't shoot the thing that's in the process of murdering your friend! You might damage my research project!"

- Ew, that's not a nice death 

- Yes, good girl, A-Ning 

- That thing was just gonna kill your whole team otherwise 

- ...how did that laptop survive the blast enough for Wu Xie to be using it with no problem 

- That's one tough laptop 

- Where do I get one?

- And hey, I guess the one Chinese guy with A-Ning isn't actually one of her people, since she just, like, left him there 🤣 In the room with a plant golem 🤣 That she then threw a grenade into 🤣

 - ...omg, that's meant to be Pangzi?

- I was wondering why no Pangzi in the movie. I guess 3/4 of the way through isn't too late to properly intro him 

 - Ahahaha, Wu Xie actually thinks his bluff was super successful when there's a plant golem behind him 

- Xiaoge to the rescue again XD

- lol @ both Pangzi and Wu Xie using Xiaoge's sword as a restraint 

- ...surprise A-Ning! I wasn't expecting her to actually come back 

- And she's somehow lost all of her guys

- That's a lot of snakes, but I'm more interested in where all the water is coming from and why you can see the sun behind those shelves 

- Given how deep under a mountain they're supposed to be 

- I do love competent, pretty girls wielding huge fuckoff guns

- This door mechanism is so intricate (like the key/timer). So ofc I'm sure they're going to destroy it all 

 - Because that's how tomb raiding movies go

- Introduce a tomb with intricate and complex mechanisms far in advance of anything else known to that time period and civilisation, and then destroy them in dramatic fight and escape scenes 

- OMG the floor is lava 

 - Of course there's lava as well

- Oh, and it seems it's now all open to the sky 

- Ig the lightning which could mysteriously exert high levels of force must have smashed through the mountain and very neatly cleared it all way so that this part of the tomb and only this part of the tomb is now open air

- Wang Zanghai wishes he could go this extra with tomb building 

- And now Xiaoge being super extra to get across the destroyed section of the bridge 

- So this dude is gonna wake up just before Xiaoge gets there, isn't he? 

- And we're going to get an epic swordfight between them

- At least, it better be an epic swordfight 

- Otherwise this buildup will be very disappointing 

- Ah, yes, good, there we go 

- And all the plant golems are also waking up 

- ...along with a shitton of snakes 

- OMG the snakes have arms 

- The snakes 

- have arms

- OMG Xiaoge's sword is doing what now? 

- That's almost as ridiculous as the snakes with arms 

- It's like a sword designed by a 13 year old weeaboo boy

"it's gonna be ancient, and super strong, and nothing will ever make it blunt" 

"okay, seems like a typical magic sword so far, that's fair" 

"and you can bend it at right angles" 

"...you can what"

"and when it's bent at right angles, you can make it spin really fast and still use it like a proper sword" 

"...it what"

- ...the Snake Empress is reforming in her armour as thousands of little vines all coming together 

- k 

- Sure 

- This may as well happen 

- And her armour has boobplate, because ofc it does 

- Oh, she ain’t happy that Xiaoge just killed her plant golem boyfriend

- Her aesthetics are hilarious 

- It's part Queen of the Damned, part Little Shop of Horrors 

- Okay, snake lady, your worms might change the world but honestly I think that lightning would be more effective if you could control it

- Sanshu and co just randomly walk in through another entrance 

- Oh, and there's the rest of A-Ning's team

- I want the story behind this A-Ning and her team. The way they all call her captain, and follow her without a second word, and are so genuinely happy to see her. This isn't just a throw-together team, or a team that Hendrix put together and put her in charge of. This is her team, and there's an obvious history between them

- And snake lady is suddenly not looking as pretty as she was, for no discernible reason 

- One minute she's jumping around, the next she's all pale and falling apart. At least her face is 

- It's like she's decomposing throughout the fight

- And here come the snakes with arms 

- They move just as slowly as the shibie in here do 

- They jump pretty fast, though 

- RIP the next member of Sanshu's team 

- Yeah, machine guns aren't that effective against regular snakes, let alone magic snakes

- And the plant golems are here 

- RIP more of Sanshu's team 

- Ah, the little snakes with arms are all grown up and off to conquer the world

- ...omfg Pangzi 

- And this time it's A-Ning to the rescue 

- I love how quickly Wu Xie and Pangzi fall into the dynamic of a pair of clowns, regardless of adaptation

- RIP Harry. You went out like a badass 

- Oh wow, both teams are having some fucking epic sacrificial deaths in this fight scene 

- I like 

- And more cute pingxie, this time in flashbacks 

- lol, clearing out plant golem conversion by pure force of will

- ...and channeling blood down the grooves in the sword blade apparently...makes it sharper? 

- At least, it couldn't cut through the vines before, and now it can 

- That's not how magnetic fields work

- Ahahaha, Wu Xie pulling out his flute 

- He's gonna pull that Pied Piper shit again, isn't he? 

- Here come the shibie, come to nom on plant-snake-lady flesh! 

- She's having just as much trouble with them as everyone else does

- Because it's a lovely day in the tomb, and they are horrible shibie 

- Wow, she hits hard, she knocked Xiaoge like halfway across the chasm 

- Good thing there was a random broken pillar there

- Are they getting obliterated? 

- Ah, no, they're getting sucked up by the wind 

- Shibie-nado! 

- You know, I kinda like how bad Wu Xie's English is compared to everyone else who's spoken English so far 

- It nicely demonstrates who speaks it a lot and who doesn't

- Aw, Wu Xie, you're always so optimistic when you're baby 

- And it actually worked. I'm impressed. 

- Oh wow, A-Ning, that's some character development right there, caring about right or wrong instead of money

- Nice Pangi & A-Ning dynamic in this movie, given how they usually hate each other 

- This is definitely the final level of a platform game 

- Hahah, the two teams now 

- Awwwwwwww 😭

 - I think this is the first time I've seen Wu Xie rescue Xiaoge rather than vice versa 

- "I regret not locking you in the truck myself" 

 - Sorry, Xiaoge, I don't think you'd actually have much more luck with that than Sanshu did 

- Xiaoge, you really should have been more careful there, you almost did low Wu Xie 

- Good thing A-Ning was close by!

- ....the sword...is being used...as a boomerang 

- wtaf 

- Hahahah, the snakes' death throes, omg 

- lol what even was that ending

Overall: This movie was just one long DMBJ PingXie AU crackfic, and the author didn't know how to end it so just...didn't write an actual ending. That's the only way I can explain it. 

[ayamari-no-goshi]

Verboten 4 | (T)

ff.net | AO3

Fandom: Danny Phantom (DP)

Summary:   AU. When Danny was five years old, he went missing for 2 weeks. In the years that follow, his family tried to make sense of what happened, only for the truth to be discovered years later.

Warnings: rated T for violence, mentions of death, language. Be prepared for some very weird things

Parings: Danny/Sam

Notes: originally uploaded to Ff.net. Cross-posted to AO3 and tumblr. This fic is very heavily inspired by folklore surrounding mysterious wilderness disappearances

Chapter 4

Later that night, it was officially announced at dinner that the camper’s death was the result of an unfortunate accident. However, what shocked all the students was the decision to finish out the remaining time at the camp. According to Mr. Lancer, he had contacted the other teachers at the different sites, and that was the mutual decision.

Tucker had surprisingly spoken up and demanded how their teacher managed to get through since the cell phone service issue remained unresolved. After their meeting with the police officer, he had checked with other students, who all said the same thing. Their service was poor, and they hadn’t been able to contact anyone. For the technophile, it was extremely frustrating, and he had put a lot of effort in attempting to solve the problem on his own device. He told Danny and Sam that it almost seemed like there was a weird electrical phenomenon causing the problem.

Lancer stumbled for a moment, but he eventually said the Park Rangers had let him use their landline. He then changed the topic and began explaining what the activities for the next morning would be.

“Alright, now I’m really sure something’s fishy,” Tucker whispered to his friends. “Wanna bet he was never able to contact the other teachers?”

“I’ll pass, because I think you’re right,” Danny told him as he stole a glance at some of the nearby Rangers. They had been closely watching the students since the beginning of dinner. “I don’t think the Rangers agree with that decision.”

“Yeah, and did you notice? They’ve been stone faced during this whole thing.” Sam leaned forward as she continued. “I really think something more serious happened to that poor man.”

Danny nodded. “I don’t have the slightest idea what might have happened. You’d think they come right out and say if it was an animal attack. But, that’s fairly uncommon in our state. I mean, the most dangerous animal here is a black bear, but they aren’t very common.”

“It could have been a mountain lion attack. While they supposedly haven’t been in this state for decades, there are still regular reports of them. That’s something that might be kept quiet. I mean, that was an issue in Pennsylvania with their coyotes and the Game Commission.”

“That would make sense, but you’d think they’d still say something like it was an animal attack and chalk it up to him doing something stupid to upset a bear if that was the case,” Tucker mentioned as he fiddled with his PDA. “I still can’t get a good signal.”

“I guess we need to just remain on guard,” Danny mused as the other students began to stand. His friends agreed with him as stood and went to grab one of the paper schedules which held the next day’s events.

…

After Danny and Tucker headed back to their cabin after then had finished freshening up for the night at the communal showers, they were met with the jocks excitedly swapping information. Dash’s grin was almost cat-like as he caught sight of the pair. “So, I guess you dweebs didn’t hear about what actually happened to that camper.”

“Other than what we were told, no,” Danny told him as he went to grab something out of his bag. “And don’t you have anything better to do than spread nasty rumors about the dead?”

Dash’s grin immediately grew larger as he continued, “It’s not a rumor. One of the band geeks was up for an early piss and saw them bring the body into camp. That guy was in pieces.”

“Wha… what!? What did you say?” Tucker stammered as he dropped his PDA.

“Are you absolutely certain that’s what he saw?” Danny demanded as he stepped in between Tucker and Dash. “The camper could have been really messed up, but if he was covered in blood, dirt, and whatever else he encountered, maybe it looked worse than it really was.”

“As much as it annoys me to admit, Fenton makes a good point,” Dash’s other friend, Lucas, mentioned as he sat on his bed. “Without seeing it for ourselves, we don’t know how bad it was, and the kid was pretty scared when he repeated it. So, let me ask you this Fenton, what do you think happened?”

“I’m surprised you care about whatever I think. But,” Danny paused for a moment, “all I know for certain is that something bad happened, and the police and rangers aren’t happy about it. But, I’m not a cop, and I’m clearly not trained in stuff like this, so my hunches are probably wrong.”

“That’s not much of an answer.”

“Unlike some people, I’m not going to jump to conclusions before I know more.” Satisfied with the stunned looks of the jocks, Danny turned to finish preparing for bed. After a moment, he realized Tucker was staring at him. “What?”

“So, where’s this Danny Fenton been all these years?” his friend whispered at him.

Danny raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve never stood up your… you know… bullies before. What changed?”

“Nothing changed, not really,” Danny replied as he climbed into bed. “It’s just I can’t tolerate people spreading rumors like this. It brings bad luck, or at least I think so, and,” he paused for a moment before lowering his voice, “you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead.”

“Did your parents drill that into you or something?”

“Not my parents, but I can’t remember who did.”

……

The next day, the students were kept close to camp. Most of the day was spent learning basic camping skills. Although there were plenty of grumbles from his classmates, Danny found it pretty interesting as his parents wanted to keep him as far away from the woods as possible. He spent most of the morning in a boyish wonder as was instructed on setting up tents, campfires, and basic traps.

Sam spent a good portion of the morning teasing him, but he largely ignored her. Like a lot of boys, he had an interest in camping when he was younger, so this was a chance to experience it, or at least a small portion of it. However, by the time lunch hit, his enthusiasm had been replaced by uneasiness.

In the shadows cast by the trees around the camp, he felt as if someone was watching him. It was possible it was just an animal, but as the hours passed and the feeling continued, he determined that couldn’t be the cause. Most animals didn’t spend that long watching people, unless they were hunting, but most predators wouldn’t dream of getting so close to so many people. Both Sam and Tucker seemed apprehensive as well.

“Hey, did either of you heard those weird bird calls earlier?” Sam asked while they were eating dinner.

“I don’t know how you had time to listen to birds with how much manual labor we did earlier. I’m exhausted,” Tucker whined in between bites of his food.

“We barely did anything too strenuous. You really need to get out more.” The amused smirk on Sam’s face was quickly replaced by a frown. “But, in all seriousness, something sounded wrong. I’m pretty familiar with the birds around here, but I’ve never heard something like that before.”

“Is it possible it was an exotic bird?” Danny questioned. “I mean, it is possible one escaped or someone let one go.”

Sam considered his words for a moment. “While it’s possible, I don’t think that’s the case.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s hard to explain.” She brought her hand to her chin as she tried to put her thoughts to words. “The sound didn’t sound natural. It was almost mechanical.”

“A mechanical bird? Come on, Sam! Even for you, that’s pretty out there. Am I right, dude?” Tucker playfully nudged Danny, only to realize he seemed deep in thought. “Hey, what’s wrong? Earth to Danny.”

“Gah!” The sudden motion of Tucker waving his hand in front of his face startled him. “Sorry about that. It’s just that… I… I think I know what she means”

“Huh?”

“I don’t remember much about what happened when I went missing, but before things go hazy, I definitely remember a strange bird call. After doing some research, my parents said that calls like that are sometimes heard before unusual missing persons cases.”

“Dude! Don’t say stuff like that! I’m already freaked out enough as it is by this whole mess. Ouch! Did you really have to kick me?”

“Keep your voice down,” Sam warned him as she motioned to the side with a head nod. Danny followed the motion and noticed some of the Rangers seemed to be watching them. “I really don’t want them to pay attention to us. They’re watching us, all of us, like we’re prisoners or something. Anyways, Danny do you know anything more about that weird call?”

“My parents said it might be a type of lure, but I have no idea if that’s true or not. But, I think it was to catch my attention than anything else.” Danny shook his head. “Sam, we wouldn’t be doing this. Whatever that call was, it could have just been some weird bird.”

“Don’t you want to know?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. Look, I’ve been uneasy since we first arrived in this forest. I already told Tucker this, but talking about weird stuff like this brings bad luck. Can we put it on hold until we get out of here?”

“But Danny!” Her argument was cut short as he glared at her. She straightened up as her eyes narrowed. “As weird as everything is, I think the bigger mystery is what exactly happened to you when you went missing when you were a kid.”

“Look, I don’t know what happened,” Danny snapped. What was her problem?

“Clearly something did. What’s every going on here might be digging up some of those memories. Maybe you have a memory that could help, but you’re getting so defensive.”

“Of course I am! Would you like it if someone kept trying to make you remember something that’s probably better left forgotten?”

“Alright, alright. Chill already.”

His only response was to huff and turn away. Her stubbornness was something he both admired and occasionally hated. Whether it was petitioning her teachers to get a menu changed, rallying a protest, or badgering her friends for information, she often wouldn’t stop until she got her way. It was a big reason why he didn’t think they’d ever be able to get together.

They had discussed it the previous year, after Tucker outed their mutual attraction. Neither of them thought it would work out. Sam was too headstrong, and Danny was too reserved for it to be a functioning relationship. There was always a spark of hope, but it was situations like this that reminded him that they hadn’t changed. For the sake of their friendship, it wasn’t something they could safely consider.

Maybe when they got a little older, a little more mature, they would be able to act on their feelings, but that would have to wait. For now, he was just going to sit in an annoyed silence as he finished his… what exact was this food supposed to be anyways?

…..

Sam actually apologized to him the next day. However, he was still too irritated to speak to her, but by the time lunch rolled around, he had forgiven her.

The morning had been spent working on more wilderness survival skills, but the Rangers surprised them by announcing that they would be leading them on a hike on the trail that surrounded the camp. It was only supposed to last a couple hours at most, but three armed Rangers would be walking with them.

Annoyed and uneasy murmurs circled through the students as they formed groups of three and four. Those groups were then lined up; one Ranger moved to the front, one went to the back, and the other moved to the center of the line. Before they began to move, the Rangers warned the entire group that, under no circumstance, was anyone to go off on their own.

Although Sam and Tucker wanted to stay away from Lancer and the jocks who were near the front of the line, Danny would not allow them to be in the very back. After everything else that happened, he would not allow himself to be in the back on the line. The warning to stay away from the very back or front still rang in his ears. Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long.

As they began their trek, several of the groups fell to the back of the line. It forced Danny and his friends to have somewhat of a distance between the few band and more nerdy students who were following close to the first Ranger and Mr. Lancer, and the popular kids and jocks who were near the back. The Ranger who was supposed to be in the middle had hung back to help keep an eye on the larger portion of students.

“I don’t like this,” Danny mentioned as Sam had them stop for a moment as she made a quick sketch of a plant off the path. “Is it just me, or is it really quiet?” He had noticed it for a while. Usually a person should be able to hear bugs, birds, leaves rustling, something, but he hadn’t noticed any noise for a while.

“These are older forests, Danny,” Sam explained as she finished her sketch. “Noises often get muffled since plants can absorb sound to some extent.”

“It doesn’t mean it’s not creepy.”

“Actually, Sam, I agree with him,” Tucker mentioned as he looked over his shoulder. “I feel like we’re being watched.”

Sam tucked her sketch book in her bag before pointing to something behind them. “I think you’re right on that, but I don’t think it’s anything out of the ordinary.”

Danny and Tucker turned to see Dash and his friends, as well as some of the popular girls approach them from down the trail. Apparently, they had been spotted as Dash wore an evil grin as he said something to Kwan as he gestured towards them. A round of laughter followed.

“Great, just our luck. Do you think we’d be able to outrun them?” Danny asked as he warily eyed the approaching group.

“Are you nuts, dude? We can’t even outrun Sam.”

“Thanks for that lovely vote of confidence, Tucker.” ==================

Notes:

The coyotes and the Game Commission was an actual thing that happened. Basically, there weren’t supposed to be any coyotes in Pennsylvania, but there were farmers saying their animals were being attacked by something. One of the farmers, who lived nearby where I grew up, got permission to take a shot at creatures and ended up killing a coyote with a Game Commission tag in its ear. Twenty years later, the Game Commission has finally admitted coyotes are back in Pennsylvania, and that they can be hunted. Coyotes can attack people. While there aren’t many documented attacks, they have happened, and Pennsylvanians aren’t very happy about them popping up in towns and parks.

Mountains Lions, also known as Nittany Lions, Pumas and Cougars, are supposedly extinct in the states east of the Mississippi River (ignore Florida – it’s an exception). However, that’s another thing under debate. There have been many sightings of them throughout the years in the east, especially in the Appalachian (app-ah-lay-shin) Mountains. There is actually a picture of one found in Ohio near its border with Kentucky that was taken in 2014. I know there are recent reports in Pennsylvania and New York as well - this includes family members.

[docholligay]

Follow Water Down

I have been wandering around in the woods since I was a small child. My family was not particularly well off, and from the ages of probably 3 to 16, the only vacations we ever took were camping trips. We left the house for the woods nearly every weekend. I live in Montana, and so when I say camping trips, I don’t mean we headed off to the KOA with a pool, I mean if I walked away from the campsite I was in the goddamn National Forest. I was genuinely happy with this arrangement, as I was a strange child who grew up to be a strange adult, and I enjoyed the quiet, the sense of exploration, the smell of the trees. 

I began leaving the campsite nearly from the word go, and by the time I was about 8 or so, I was very much off by myself in the woods for the majority of the day, which leads us to our post today. There are people who would call my mom grossly neglectful for having allowed me to do so much on my own at such a young age, and even she gets bashful when she talks about it, but I credit it with a lot of positives: 

I have an extremely good sense of direction

I have a strong core of self-sufficiency and am not easily overwhelmed by anxiety

I can be alone in the quiet with my thoughts

I am rough and tumble as HELL, owing to many many many falls down the sides of mountains, huge gashes in my legs, being stalked by a mountain lion, and one very memorable miscalculation that ended in me falling off a (small) waterfall

When I meet my fear, I can master it*

So what I am here to present to you today are very basic survival skills such as I would teach my own child, such as I was taught as a child. This is by no means comprehensive, and if you intend to get seriously into outdoor life, I recommend both doing far more research, and taking a a Wilderness First Aid class, which are frequently offered when it’s NOT Covid, and which I take about once every 3-5 years (I am due). This is a primer for those who are young, or new, or mostly want to experience the wilderness by reading about me doing it. 

Follow Water Down. 

I cannot remember how old I was when I learned this. It’s the sort of thing that is a part of my makeup, my mother must have told me when I was only a toddler and its stuck with me so hard that it’s one of the first things I tell people. 

If you are lost: 

Water will always lead you back to civilization eventually. Join up with the stream. See which way its going. Go that way. This is obviously not significantly helpful if you are lost in a flat desert plain but then again, I did start this by saying I was a child of the woods and not the desert. This seems like such an easy trick that people often ignore me when I say it, but it is the simplest thing for a child to remember. 

I can’t remember how old I was when I got lost in a tangle of hills and mountains in the Little Belts, where the trail faded but I kept going in my normal bullheaded way. But I was well and truly lost by the time it was about 3 pm, and in some ways I wish I had worn a step tracker back in those days because I am extremely certain I went miles and miles, as one does when they leave immediately after breakfast and don’t come back till dinner. I had no idea where I was, where the campsite was, or what direction I should be going. 

I was not thrilled. 

But I was not a kid who sat down and cried, in that I had smaller concerns before, and so could easily grow to meet the larger ones. I simply walked down the mountain, knowing a valley was more likely to have a stream I could easily join. Lo and behold, there in that little valley was a snowmelt creek, and I followed it downstream, knowing eventually there would be a house, or a campground, or something. In a twist of glorious good luck, it actually led me back toward where the campsite was, and as I began to recognize things, I easily clipped into our campsite long before any sign of trouble. 

Follow Water Down. If you aren’t near a stream, head for the nearest valley, and follow the valley. This will generally lead you to water. People will tell you to stay put and that is WAY smarter than wandering aimlessly in circles, which is why I say to follow something. You think you won’t go in circles, but you will. By following a streambed, not only are you doubtlessly heading back to civilization on a long enough timeline, but you keep yourself from doing that. 

Your Pack: 

Before you go out for the day, you should have a simple day pack. Mine is an Osprey Hikelite 18, but I hike all the time, and you don’t need something that technical. A plain ol Jansport will work as long as it fits you well. I do however, really approve of and recommend a waist clip. I also think a pocket for a water bottle on the outside is really useful, but you’re not going to fucking die if you have to take off your pack to get to your water bottle. I just find it takes up space I don’t want. 

Gear:

More important than your pack itself is what you have in it. Again, this is according to people named Doc, who are me. This is stuff I always take with me when I am by myself, on a trail where it would be realistic to assume I would not see someone else for hours. This is like 95% of Montana trails, or any time that I am off trail. 

Compass. You can get fancy, pretty compasses, but a lot of times they lack the actual essentials you need. I like this guy, which is well made, can be clipped to you backpack easily, and is inexpensive. I don’t have the time or space to really try to teach you how to use a compass, but here’s a really good simple primer from the American Hiking Society. 

Paper Map. I sometimes break this one, admittedly, but I shouldn’t. Having a paper map of the area is always a really smart practice, and used in combination with the compass, can help you get unlost quickly, or at the very least give you an idea of how close to any given outpost you are. 

Water Bottle. Please don’t tell me you were going to attempt to leave without this. I have no preferences on one, shockingly, and I’m being serious. I’ve been given to use an old disposable one, who gives a shit. 

Water Filter. Now THIS I did not have as a child, because my parents didn’t know any better, but if I follow in the grand tradition of my people and release my child into the mountains, I will give them one for certain. I knew what kind of water to look for if one was going to drink from a stream, and I did so, which probably explains why I am not susceptible to ~tummy upsets~ to this day. However, it would have been smarter for me to have one of these. I like LifeStraw but Sawyer makes a perfectly good one. Look for lightweight, it’s a day pack, kids. 

Knife. I have many many feelings about knives, which would require its own post, but this is fairly essential for being out and about. This is not a thing I would necessarily cheap out on, though there are fine options at most price points. This is my knife:

The Gerber Propel AO. The serrated and straight blade edge means there’s a lot of options for use as a tool, I find the blade to be strong and hold an edge well. Most American-made Gerbers (be sure and check, as they have a much shittier Chinese-made division) are incredibly well made knives. Leatherman multi-tools and Swiss Army Knives are, if you ask people named Doc who are me, a waste of weight and size, but if I were to buy a Leatherman, it would be a Free K2X. I would not buy a Swiss Army Knife. 

A jacket/fleece/pullover. Listen, i am the last one who wants to carry this shit but if you get lost overnight (as has never happened to me, kinehara.) you are going to want it. Read up on what the lowest temperatures are, and rate it to that. Depending on what mountain you are in, this is going to vary widely. And for the love of god, wear pants. I know, I know, it’s in the 70s and you’re hoooooooot but seriously, you’ll be less likely to injure yourself and you won’t fucking freeze. 

Flashlight/headlamp. 

There are fancy firestarters, but honestly I just throw in a bic. 

Food! Clif bars are great for this, lightweight, high calorie, keep well. this is in addition to your sandwich or whatever you’re packing for planned eating. 

Sunscreen/bug spray. Don’t be stupid. 

Whistle. Three sharp shot blasts is the easy and international sign for help. 

FIRST AID KIT this has its own thing. A first aid kit can be very basic to very intense. Our group first aid kit is more intense, but when I’m stuffing a day pack, I want stuff that’s light. 

Ibuprofen

Bandages

Gauze

Leukotape

wound wipes/antibac

Imodium, benedryl, caffeine

Oxycontin. This is leftover from long ago and basically exists in case I break my leg and have to drag myself out of there, or, as we like to say, a Worst Case Scenario. 

That’s it! It essentially fits in a bento box. 

You will want to be wearing a sunhat of some sort, sunglasses at hand, and a watch. Not a smart watch, a watch watch. It’s good to know what time it is, better to know that after your phone dies. Attach bear bells to your pack, or your shoe, or something. You do not want to surprise a bear, that is how people die. 

You may notice that I do not have a phone, external battery, GPS tracker or anything like that listed. GPS trackers are not a bad idea if you want to invest the money in backcountry--my wife has one--but I never have and I do not consider them essential. Phones and external batteries are not useful to me, and in the places I go there’s often not service. If there IS service, I find I’m more irritated than not by the people with me, who often can’t pull their faces out of telling their audience how much of a life they have to actually have one. Be alone with your fucking thoughts for once. 

Which leads me to my next thing: DO NOT WEAR HEADPHONES TO HIKE OH MY GOD. Being able to hear what’s going on around you is key to safety, and also to allowing you to get your bearings. If you are listening to music or something, you are far more likely to sneak up on something, or allow it to sneak up on you. Don’t do it. It’s a terrible idea. 

Should I bring bear spray? This is an excellent question! We have ample bear spray, and I often wear it but I just as often wear Montana Bear Spray (a gun). It’s easier to practice with a gun, I feel more sure of how to use it, and I’m comfortable around it. That being said, this is not the story for most of America, and I understand that. So make sure you are VERY familiar with how to use your bear spray. 

I suppose this went off the rails into supplies more than “tips for survival” but honestly I would rather help you all AVOID trouble than help you out of it. It’s easier to pack clif bars than set a rabbit snare, and its easier to not get lost than it is to build shelter. Also, this is already at 2,000 words, so if you have a SPECIFIC question, let me know! 

*Apologies to Phillip Pullman, but if I were going to get anything from HDM tattooed on me, this sentiment would be it, the only problem being the actual line is “You ent afraid are you?” “Not yet. When I am, I shall master the fear.” which doesn’t look as good but damn has that resonated with me since I read it.

[adhd-wifi]

MDZS Modern AU Fic Tips (Festivals)

So I asked a while back if anyone was interested in some fic tips for writing Chinese modern AUs, and y’all seemed enthusiastic. But…when I tried putting it all in a single post it got…really…really long…

So I split them into a bunch of posts (Yes I copy-pasted this intro on all of them because I’m lazy)! Here are the links:

Names & Stuff

Modern Chinese Cultural Stuff

Superstitions & Beliefs 

Festivals (You are here)

Living in China

Anyways, these are based on my experiences living in Singapore and China, and I hope these posts are helpful. On to it.

Content Warning: Magpie Bashing

Festivals (Warning: LONG. Good Luck.)

Note: I do not have personal experience with all of these. For those I have celebrated, I’ll indicate with a (*). Also I’ll only be talking about how we celebrate them (typically), because diving into the history and meanings of it all would take like 8 years (not literally but you know). Fee free to look them up, and ask your nearest Chinese human for any extra details. If they know it. You might want to look up what the lunar calendar is too. It’s basically the moon cycle calendar, but I am too bad at memorizing how it works so I just google the dates every single year. 

Also, I’m restricting this post to ONLY Chinese & Singaporean versions of celebrations. Many other regional ethnic groups celebrate the same or similar festivals, but I don’t know enough about their versions of the festivities. Another thing is that my family is from Dalian & Harbin in the NorthEast, so there is more Northern bias in my post so I might have some info that is inaccurate to festivities in the South. I did try to search for some South-specific traditions, since Yunmeng/Hubei is in South China, but I’m not entirely sure how accurate those details are.

Chinese New Year (*) - Late Jan to Early Feb (15 days after CNY day)

Before CNY, often on the eve of the actual date, we decorate our homes with red (don’t you dare skip out on decking your home with RED) decorations such as lanterns, red and orange flowers, those vertical paper banners with auspicious calligraphy on them (what are they called in English???) and whatever these things are

As kids, my sister and I would make those loop paper chains out of red and yellow paper a lot. We never knew what to do with them when the festivities were over

Spring cleaning is extremely important, we usually do it (extensively) from about a month before the festivities (and get yelled at a lot by our Chinese mothers & grandmothers especially) up to CNY Eve

Please don’t do any cleaning, particularly sweeping or throwing the trash out, on the day itself. You’re throwing the new year luck away. 

Other preparations include: buying new clothes, often with at least one red thing, visiting friends during the month prior so you don’t have to do so on the day itself and giving them little gifts and red packets, & burning new year offerings for ancestors

You will probably see lion dances on the streets and during new year parades a lot, sometimes accompanied by dragon dances, though the former is much more common. They also tend to give private performances at a discount during the CNY period, though lion dances aren’t restricted to only perform on CNY and in fact perform for special events in general, not just cultural festivities

On the night of CNY Eve, we have reunion dinners, in which we gather our entire extended family (when possible) and have a really loud, really energetic dinner party while watching the CNY Spring Gala on TV together. Or just eating if we don’t have access to a TV.

Include fish on the menu. At least one major fish main dish, not a side dish. It’s from a lucky saying: 年年有余 - nián nián yǒu yú, meaning something along the lines of “To have more prosperity this year”. The Chinese word for fish (鱼 - yú) sounds the same as 余, therefore we have fish every year. Yes it’s a pun, as many Chinese superstitions and beliefs are

Other menu items you could include: homemade dumplings (a FUCKton of them), uncut noodles, chicken or duck, pork, Chinese radish/carrot cake (side note: why the FUCK do Western articles ALWAYS translate this to “turnip cake” it’s made out of fucking RADISH or CARROT I swear to HELL), Chinese yam cakes, good alcohol and traditional sweets like tang yuan (this is basically the original version of mochi, filled with black or normal sesame filling and served in a clear, sweet soup)

There’s also one Cantonese dish known as (撈起 - Lo Hei) which is basically a salad of shredded carrot, radish, cucumber with strips of sashimi-style fish strips like salmon. You serve it to the table, pour crushed peanuts, fried dough crisps, and sweet sauce all over it, and your entire table reaches in with chopsticks and mixes everything together. It’s more common in Singapore and Malaysia than it actually is in Hong Kong and China, but I’ve had it in China before in the springtime. I fucking hate it. 

By the way, a fun game to play is the coin dumpling game. Basically, when you make the dumplings, put clean coins into some of them, and whoever eats the dumpling with the coins inside are considered super lucky for the year. I wasn’t ever allowed to make them though, my 20 years of dumpling-folding have failed me I still suck at it so everyone knows which ones are mine.

Usually, relatives living overseas would go to China for the New Year if they can, and they would take turns hosting the dinner each year. You would traditionally only have a reunion dinner in a family home, mostly because everything outside is closed

During the celebrations, lighting firecrackers and sparklers is part of the fun. Keep a close eye on the kids. 

Wearing traditional clothing isn’t necessary, but encouraged

At midnight, the younger, unmarried family members will present their married elders with gifts (usually two oranges per person or a small handmade craft) while wishing them well for the year, and in turn the elders will return the wishes and gift the youngsters red packets with money. 

The celebration period lasts for 15 days, but people typically go back to work a day or two after the actual CNY date

Personal note: I have only actually celebrated CNY once in China, back when I was tiny, so most of this is based on Singaporean experiences, what I know my in-China relatives, who live in Dalian, do, and what I’ve double checked online. But CNY is huge in China and many places celebrate it differently, so don’t get too worried about following this to the dot.

The Lantern Festival - Early to Mid Feb

In Singapore it’s actually illegal to celebrate the Lantern Festival traditionally on a large scale because of the potential fire hazards & pollution, so it’s somewhat merged with the Mid-Autumn festival here and thus I don’t know as much about this one in a “proper” Chinese context (I had to go to school in Singapore this time of year)

But anyways

The Lantern Festival comes immediately after CNY, on the 15th day of the first lunar month. It’s seen as a day of freedom for all, so everyone takes to the streets, lighting up the night with candles and lanterns

Lantern-walks are common, in which everyone holds a lantern - there are many kinds to choose from - and just walk up and down the streets together

These lantern-walks often take place alongside the official festival parades 

The dragon dances mentioned earlier are more likely to appear during the lantern festival than CNY, and the lion dances of course come as well

It gets crowded a lot. Hold onto your kids. 

Lantern riddles are fun games, in which they string up lanterns with papers hanging from them. Upon these papers are the riddles, and if you got them right you could win prizes. Or at least bragging rights amongst your family and friend groups

If you’re in a river town, you’ll likely have a chance to see water lanterns, which are also common during the Mid-Autumn Festival. They’re paper lanterns, sometimes made in lotus form, carrying wishes of prosperity. This can come in two forms, an official river lantern parade where they make HUGE lanterns for show, or smaller lanterns that just flow along. Sounds perfect for a Yunmeng Jiang family celebration, don’t you think?

Another one is the sky lanterns, which CQL watchers will recognize. People will gather together, usually on a hill, and release lanterns into the skies. Some will make them themselves, but most people will just buy pre-made ones. Like in CQL, you make a wish upon these lanterns, then sit down and eat tang yuan together.

They apparently eat a lot of tang yuan on this festival

A lot of romantic meet-ups happen on this festival (and the Mid-Autumn Festival) (y’all know what to do with this information)

This is considered the last chance of family time following on from CNY before you all return to your normal lives

The QingMing Festival (*) - Early Apr

AKA the Tomb-Sweeping Festival

To put it very basically, this is when we go to our deceased loved one’s graves and clean said graves 

We go to the cemetery in the early morning, wipe down the gravestones, clear them of debris like leaves and such, then we make offerings of food. A lot of the times, we would basically lay out a feast before the grave(s), lighting incense and also decorating the graves with flowers and such

Please do not ever eat anything in those offerings. It’s not for the living. Therefore, please feel free to stab your chopsticks upright into that bowl of rice.

You can burn offerings like paper too, usually in a burning urn (??? is it an urn?), but in my experience we weren’t allowed to do that at my grandma’s grave since it was a crowded cemetery so I don’t know how it works exactly

In my personal experiences, we usually stayed in the cemetery for about an hour, praying to the deceased and sort of chatting with them, hoping they’re doing well in the afterlife and updating them on our lives

After that’s done, we go have a picnic somewhere down the mountain and fly kites while getting bullied by asshole magpies

They keep stealing my food because apparently even they know you shouldn’t eat the food left out for the dead

One stole my necklace once ;-;

Anyways the food offerings left out are typically cleared the next morning (latest) by us or you pay the cemetery caretakers to dispose of it, but the latter is looked down upon for good reason

It’s really just best to clean it up yourselves when you can. For everyone’s sake.

The Dragon Boat Festival (*) - Late Jun to Early Jul

You could probably make a sports anime about this festival, because the main even at the Dragon Boat Festival is the dragon boat racing (shocking)

Okay all joking aside, during this festival, which is a summer event, dragon boat racers compete with one another in long, narrow wooden canoes with a Chinese dragon head carved out in the front and painted scales on the side, often really brightly coloured

They row to the beat of loud drums, with a drummer sitting at the head of each boat, facing their boat’s rowers, beating the drum as their team rows

People watching the races can do so from the shore, where they’ll be eating glutinous rice with meat/nuts/beans wrapped in large, woven bamboo leaves into a triangle shape, called 粽子 - zòng zi.  (The Malaysians & Indonesians have this too, but they use banana leaves instead)

In some places, you have viewers in viewing boats too, with the race course marked off with buoys. I fell into the water once from one of these. Luckily they make you all wear life-vests. 

Also a limited occurrence but rarer, some places will have sort of official “cheerleading” boats, in which a bunch of colourfully dressed people will shout and cheer for the racers as a whole, often waving flags the same colours as their clothes. They’re often standing, but in the same kind of dragon boats. You have to be affiliated with the local dragon boat community / heritage board to be allowed to be one of these “cheerleaders” though

When the official races aren’t happening though, visitors are often taken around the river. You can technically do this at any time, but the Chinese believe that the time of the Dragon Boat Festival is the best time for traversing the great rivers

Other things people do during this festival include drinking realgar wine, making perfume packets for children, and hanging mosquito-repellent herbs on doors and windows, but I’ve never seen this in practice and couldn’t find much else on these

To be honest, this particular festival is seen as a thing of lingering cultural heritage or just something of a traditional ceremonial practice, but is overall kinda dying as a full-fledged festival, with only the racing surviving the passage of time (In fact, this has become more of a leisure event than a festival in Singapore in recent years)

The QiXi Festival - Mid to Late Aug???

Not gonna lie I didn’t know this one existed until I looked it up

I knew the legend surrounding it (The Cowherd and the Weaver Girl - Please look it up it’s a beautiful story even though it’s not realistic because the magpies aren’t assholes) but didn’t know it was an actual holiday at all

Basically it’s kind of the Chinese version of Valentine’s Day, but it takes place in like August

Traditionally, girls took this time to show off their skills in the “feminine arts” such as weaving, sewing, fruit carving (???), tea-making (?????) and poetry (?????????). I’m confused.

They also ate special pastries and children gave flower garlands to the sacred ox statues

Apparently it’s mostly only celebrated in more traditional/rural areas now because most modern Chinese people just celebrate the Western Valentine’s Day

The legend gets to stay though

The Hungry Ghost Festival (*) - Late Jul to Early Aug (Start) / Late Aug to Early Sept (End)

This one is not a festive festival at all. You shouldn’t be enjoying this festival as a living person. But this is probably the best festival for any fics set in the modern world revolving around dead spirits being active out of everything on this list

This festival lasts the entire 7th month of the lunar calendar, so the Chinese will literally just call it the “Seventh Month (七月 - qī yuè)” or the “Ghost Month (鬼月 - guǐ yuè)” 

I’ve never even heard anyone refer to it by its full name in Chinese, which is apparently 中元节 - zhōng yuán jié or 盂兰盆节 - yú lán pén jié according to Wikipedia

Basically, the Gates of Hell the Afterlife have opened for the month to get the spirits of the deceased ease their suffering for a bit. So, the festival is actually NOT celebrated by the living, instead, it’s “celebrated” by the ghosts of the deceased

Living human practices during this festival include making various food offerings (the main point of the festival) for the spirits, usually much more seriously and/or extravagantly than typical offerings, burning offerings such as paper money, paper houses, paper cars, etc in large quantities because this is the best time for the spirits to receive them, putting on special “performances for the dead” in which performers will dance and sing to a room of empty chairs, and having special family prayer sessions in which we “speak” to the deceased directly (Luckily, they don’t usually answer us)

Nowadays, only the first two of those practices are really still practiced as seriously as they used to be, for individual families at least

Again, if you see food being left out on the side of the street, especially if there’s incense or something next to it, please don’t eat it or even touch it. Don’t be the ignorant guy in a horror movie

People who can see/hear/sense spirits and environmentalists hate this festival, because ghosts can be terrifying even when harmless, and all the burning contributes to climate change

I happen to be both of those. I am also sensitive to smoke. So...

Ironically I don’t actually hate this festival THAT much but...

Personal note: I’ve never been to China during the seventh month, and because they make it a point to not really talk about it, I only know the Singaporean experiences. Telling ghost stories is both encouraged and shunned during this month here. Malaysian-Chinese ghost stories are fucking horrifying. Give me more.

Mid-Autumn Festival (*) - Late Sept to Early Oct

My personal favourite festival on this list. I don’t like crowded places, but I make exceptions for this one when I can. I would call this the most fun and enjoyable festival out of all of them. 

When speaking Chinese, most of the time we’d just shorten it to 秋节 - qiū jié from the full name of 中秋节 - zhōng qiū jié 

When speaking English (in Singapore, but you can use these in English fics and people tend to understand it fine), we also call it the Mooncake Festival, the Autumn Moon Festival, or the Harvest Moon Festival (this one is quite an old name though)

In modern times, this is celebrated very similarly to the famous Natsu Matsuri (Summer Festival) in Japan, in which a huge festival site is fully decorated in colourful lanterns and filled with countless stalls of food, games, and festival products such as more lanterns, traditional dress rentals if you’re lucky, wooden toys, cloth products, “festival” tea & wine, and many more

You are encouraged to wear cheongsam/qipao to the festivities, but honestly most people don’t anymore, but they dress their kids in cultural clothing a lot (in Singapore you’ll also see kiddies running around in other traditional dress, such as yukata, summer hanbok, festive baju kurung, etc.)

In some places, special dragon or lion dances will be performing

Expect to find a FUCKTON of fresh fruit stalls, including pumpkins, melons, pomelos, persimmons, pomegranates, maybe starfruits, dragonfruits & guavas, and probably a heck lot of longans if you’re somewhere in South China. Also expect every individual large fruit to be decorated with red ribbons and colourful wrapping paper

Also out of every five stalls, at least one will be a mooncake stall

Mooncakes come in multiple varieties! The most common are the white lotus bean paste ones, the ones with salted egg yolks (single yolk and double yolk), snowskin ones which as much softer and sweeter, red bean paste cakes, etc.

They make some super cute shapes too!

There are even more savoury options with minced pork filling or prawn/fish filling (not a fan of the fish ones), but they’re made with a flakier pastry than the sweet ones (Note: sometimes we don’t call these mooncakes, but it depends)

Basically the sweet ones use a pastry that’s more like a typical sweet tart shell while the savoury ones use something that’s more like a non-sweetened croissant 

Traditionally, people would make the mooncakes together at home, and offer them to the moon goddess during moon worship, but nowadays most people just buy them and eat them

This festival also shares a lot of the same customs as CNY & the Lantern Festival, such as: 

Having another reunion dinner. Duck is a very common dish, along with seasonal crops. Lotus dishes are also popular around this time, depending on where you are. 

Lanterns everywhere. Water and sky lanterns are also common. You’ll also see people playing with firecrackers and sparklers.

In much more rural areas, you might get to experience the Burning Pagoda tradition, in which they set up a seven-tier tower made up of wood and straw and burn it while dancing around it. This practice is similar to the Bon Odori even in Japan. 

Fun fact: This is also basically the Lantern Festival of Singapore, because the actual Lantern Festival isn’t celebrated here

Bonus: I made a post about the most famous myth of this festival that relates to MDZS.

The ChongYang Festival - Mid to Late Oct

Also known as the Double Ninth Festival (in English) and the Senior Festival (slang)

This is basically the festival of paying respects to our elders, both living and dead

There are...going to be a fuckton of chrysanthemums everywhere. Chrysanthemum flowers decorating the place, chrysanthemum cakes (I don’t recommend googling it if you have severe trypophobia, some of the more traditional cakes have a lot of seeds and stuff on top which may be upsetting, but I would say it’s at least better than a hollow lotus pod), chrysanthemum wine, all of that

Common activities include going on easy hikes or mountain walks with the living elders, and maybe visiting the graves of those who have passed and paying respects

It’s dying in modern times, but still seen as at least a day of relaxing with your elderly family and friends

The DongZhi Festival - Late Dec (just before Christmas mostly)

The Winter Solstice Festival

Nothing much is done, we really mostly just have a special dinner together, eating dumplings, noodle soup, mutton, and hotpot. Alcohol is often present at such dinners, and you would toast to the solstice 

You’d also pray and stuff like most of these festivals, but I think that’s a given by now lol

Modern Chinese people will often get together during this time and merge it with their Christmas dinners

Aside from that, we really just celebrate Christmas, though now you can add a line of cultural significance to those modern AU Christmas fics :3

Bonus Info: There is also a Summer Solstice festival called the Xia Zhi Festival that’s essentially the same as this, except you eat a lot of noodles and go swimming, but it’s not really significant anymore in modern times, the DongZhi festival only really surviving because of Christmas, so I didn’t include it in the list

Alright, that one took like 84 years. I’m tired LMAO. 

[prophetandprincess]

"A.J, dear, what a surprise," Mrs. Malone said with a smile as Alex walked into the restaurant Thursday afternoon, enveloping her in a huge hug. "It's so good to see you."

"It's great to see you too." Alex hugged her back with just as much force and love. "Actually, I'm meeting with my tutor here, but I also missed you and wanted to check in to see how you and the fam were doing."

"The indestructible A.J. asking for help? You have truly changed in the last year. I hardly recognize you," Mrs. Malone laughed as he directed her into a booth and sat down with her. "The family is good. Sandy has gone through two babysitters already, which is its own source of stress, but Sandy's strong will is going to serve her well as she gets older. Right now though, thrusting her onto friends while I and her father are working makes me feel like a bad parent."

"Well, now I feel guilty," Alex said with a smile, but there was this guilt gnawing on her heart. "You know I would still be watching Sandy if I could. I love that kid."

"Oh, dear, I know." Mrs. Malone reached out and took Alex's hand, squeezing it. "You're doing so much already, with school and your internship, I would feel guilty if you were coming all the way to Queens to watch Sandy as well."

Alex squeezed Mrs. Malone's hand back, but her reassurance didn't help relieve the guilt at all. Maybe Alex would be able to find a new babysitter. She knew a bunch of women in Monica's sorority that would probably have the energy to keep up with Sandy. They were busy women, but there had to be one of them, maybe studying for early education, that would be fit for the job. Alex knew from experience that the Malones paid well. Alex added that to her ever-growing to-do list.

Mrs. Malone gossiped a bit about the restaurant and some of the regulars that Alex knew before there was an issue with a check that the owner had to take care of. Olivia walked through the front door a few minutes later, taking a long moment to scope out the old speakeasy turned restaurant before spotting Alex in the booth. There was something about the way she surveyed the place again when she sat down that made Alex think Olivia had seen some things during her life. Things that taught her to always have an exit strategy. Maybe she could teach Alex more than just Russian.

"This is a cute place," Olivia finally said when her eyes settled on Alex. "I just don't get how this is any less public than the local Starbucks."

"I used to work here, I know the owner, and I know the lovely Nariah Lawson who is coming to take our orders," Alex smiled as Nariah walked up to the booth. "How are things? Has the boyfriend proposed yet?"

To answer, Nariah held out her left hand, the silver ring with two emeralds flanking a diamond stood out against her dark skin. There was the obligatory cheering and fawning over the ring while Olivia sat there with a polite smile on her face. Nariah took their drink orders before she headed off, a bounce in her step.

"Sorry about that," Alex said when she turned back to Olivia.

"It's your money," Olivia shrugged as she reached into her bag and pulled out a notebook. "Now, are you ready to get to work?"

"Yes, ma'am," Alex said with only a hint of a laugh. Olivia was a very serious person, not in a bad way, but it was jarring as most of the people Alex spent her time with these days were warm and comforting.

The two of them shared a plate of fries as Alex stumbled through her first lesson, which was literally the very basics of the Russian alphabet and the building blocks of the language. After the hour was over, Alex felt as if her brain was about to explode, but Olivia stated that she was already seeing some improvement in her pronunciation. Olivia agreed to stay for another half an hour to help work on Alex's Russian assignments, and by the time she headed out of the restaurant, Alex thought that she might just be able to pass this class.

While she finished her fifth glass of Coke, she tried to figure out where she would be sleeping that evening. As she was weighing the different options, her phone dinged. It was Mr. LeBlanc stating that the renovations on her apartment were finished today and she could move back in. There was probably no furniture in there, but Alex wanted to at least stop in and see what it looked like now that it was clean and repaired.

The answer was it looked cold and empty. Everything that had been salvaged from the apartment was stacked in one corner and it was a rather pathetic pile of mostly clothing. Luckily, her grandfather's trunk had survived with only a few more dents than it had previously. It would have been pretty depressing if a trunk that had made it all the way through World War II had met its untimely end in a studio apartment in New York City.

The new cabinets were nice, they didn't squeak when Alex opened them, but all of her food had been taken away during the cleanup. She should have gotten an actual dinner while she was at Malone's. Still, the apartment was a completely clean slate that Alex could actually decorate how she wanted and take her time doing so. While the whole situation sucked, Alex decided to find the silver lining in it all. She was still upset about the missing laptop and notebook, but knowing that it could have been her life she decided to not be too bitter about that either.

Alex decided that while nothing was in the apartment, she would clean it from top to bottom. There were a thousand other things she should be doing, but she did make the effort to find a Russian news program to listen to as she walked to the store for supplies and a sandwich in the vain hope it would somehow teach her subconsciously. All it probably did was put her on a government watch list. The main living area was covered with the white powder that marked any renovation and dust. The bathroom hadn't been ransacked, but it was still a mess and Alex scrubbed until her arm hurt. By the time she was done, the apartment smelled of bleach and new paint.

Opening the window helped clear Alex's head a bit and she realized that night had fallen while she was cleaning. She crawled out onto the fire escape and took a minute to sit there, the cold air drying some of the sweat off her forehead. It was not the most comfortable place to sit, but it wasn't like there was anywhere to sit inside either. Alex silently contemplated if she should risk putting Monica in danger again by staying with her or risk leaving her alone only to find out that she had been attacked in the night.

A thump above Alex made her jump. At first, she thought it was someone else just coming out onto the fire escape or setting out a plant. However, looking up between the iron, she saw that something large was moving above her, jerking and staggering, and it was heading her way. That's when Alex remembered that the thing that was killing scientists had been able to climb buildings without a problem. She was scrambling to get back into the apartment. While she was pretty sure that Mr. LeBlanc wouldn't renew her lease if it was torn apart again, she wanted to be alive enough to worry about being homeless.

It was only a few moments after Alex closed her window that something slammed into it. A scream escaped her lips as she scrambled to grab her switchblade where she had left it with her things. The blood was pumping in her ears so loudly that at first, she didn't realize the thing at her window was saying her name. That was enough to turn her whole body cold.

Alex yelped again as her phone started going off. Peter's name was on the readout and she quickly accepted the call.

"Peter, whatever it is, it's outside my window," Alex whispered into the phone.

"Alex, no it's not," Peter's voice sounded breathless and almost wheezy.

"Yes it is, it followed me down the fire escape!" Alex didn't have time for him not to believe her right now. Why must men always question everything women say!

"No, it isn't because that's me on the fire escape. I've had a run-in with our friend and could use a bit of patching up," Peter said again before coughing, which Alex now heard through the window as well. "You think you could let me in?"

Alex went over to the window, ready to rip Peter to pieces, but one look at him killed any reproach that was on her lips. He looked like hell, even if he did a little finger wave as he smiled at her through the brand new window, Spider suit still on. It took Alex a minute to figure out the lock to get the window open and then Peter literally tumbled inside, bloody handprints on the frame where he gripped it and smeared it all over the freshly cleaned floors where he dropped.

"Jesus, Peter, you need to go to the hospital," Alex knelt beside him as he attempted to sit up. There were deep claw marks all over his arms, back, and chest that were weeping blood.

"How exactly would I explain this?" Peter asked as he tugged off his mask, bruises already forming on his face, lip split, and so pale that Alex wondered how he was still conscious. "I heal fast, which I also won't be able to explain to a medical professional without being shipped off to a lab to be studied. I just need somewhere to take a breather."

"Why didn't you go home? Your aunt is a nurse and I doubt May would ask too many questions," Alex got up and went into the bathroom where she now kept a fully stocked first aid kit. She had learned the importance of having one last year and while she doubted it would do anything to help Peter, it would at least make her feel better.

"I don't want to make her worry," Peter explained when Alex came back into the room with the kit and a wet towel. "I'm pretty sure she knows what I do, but we've never talked about it. I'd rather not give her a heart attack showing up at her door looking like I lost a fight with a mountain lion."

"But you're alright with giving me a heart attack? I'll try not to take it personally Parker." Alex started to help Peter peel his suit off because he was so badly battered that he was having a lot of trouble doing it himself. The damage was even worse without the red and blue fabric hiding the bruising and depth of the cuts.

"But I come bearing information. The monster of New York that caused your current decorative preferences in your apartment refers to himself as the Jackal," Peter coughed and something snapped in his chest.

"It speaks? With those fangs?" Alex started to gently clean the cuts as Peter focused on propping himself up against the wall. "Did he have a lisp?"

"That's your question?" Peter laughed weakly. "Out of everything you could have asked me about a near-death encounter and it's if he has a lisp. As if I wouldn't have started with that."

Alex laughed, though it sounded a little hysterical, as the towel started to drip with blood while it was doing very little to help clean up his chest. After a couple more seconds she gave up and just started bandaging what she could. She grabbed a wad of gauze and pressed it to Peter's chest in hopes of stopping some of the bleeding since it wasn't like she knew how to stitch up a person. He might say he healed quickly, but there was a whole pool of blood on her floor that stated otherwise. She toyed with the idea of calling the ambulance without him knowing, but how was Alex going to explain the carnage without the police arresting her, Peter, or both.

"I don't think the fangs are attached, more like mouth guards that he wears, which makes the lack of lisp even more impressive," Peter said after a couple of minutes of hissing in pain and breathing heavily with his eyes closed. "His suit also has some sort of armor weaved into it because it hurt like hell when I got a hit in. Those claws, however, were the big issue, as you can easily see. He's strong, fast, and a bendy bastard. He also really hates me for some reason. I mean, most people hate me, but this guy really dislikes me and it seems really personal."

Before Alex could come back with a witty comeback, there was a knock at her front door. They both went very still, hoping whoever it was would go away. Alex tried to figure who the hell it could be. Monica would have called or texted Alex first and none of the other residents would have any reason to come see her. What if it was Steve or Sam, how would she explain Peter to them without revealing his identity? Worse, what if it was Micheal coming to check on her? He was a police officer and would be able to get past the front desk easily. Shit.

One look at Peter and Alex knew he wouldn't even be able to get himself to the bathroom in time as another set of knocks came to the door. Alex had no choice but to try to get rid of whoever it was. She gave Peter a warning look to stay quiet before she got up, attempted to get the blood off her hands, and walked over to open the door.

Jacob Harper was standing on the other side of the door, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder, and a huge smile on his face. "Surprise!"

"Jake, I thought you said you were coming up around midterms," Alex got out as she stared at her older brother's smiling face, trying to catch up to this unexpected turn of events. "How did you get past the front desk?"

"Apparently we look enough alike and I'm charismatic enough that the old bulldog at the front desk let me come up," Jake laughed, looking past Alex into the apartment. "Is there a reason you're not letting me in? Are you hiding a boy in there?"

"Yes! Yes, I am," Alex looked over her shoulder to see Peter attempting to peel himself up off the floor. "So, do you think you could wait down in the lobby until I get him out of here?"

"Absolutely not," Jake laughed as he attempted to push his way into the apartment.

Alex attempted to bar the doorway, but she was so surprised that Jake was able to get the door open enough to look inside. Peter was in the middle of the living room, his suit barely clinging onto his hips and legs, bleeding everywhere, and not a single piece of furniture in the apartment. Jake and Peter stared at each other for a moment before Jake gently took Alex's arm and pulled her out into the hallway. He waited until the door was closed before they locked eyes, his expression dark.

"Alexandra," Jake said in a cold and measured voice. "I've tried, really hard, not to ask you too much about your life here in the city because I know you want your space. Lord knows that I don't want to know about your sex life. However, there is a bleeding man in your empty ass apartment and I need to know if either of you are in trouble."

"Oh, Jesus, Jacob," Alex threw open the door to find Peter in the exact spot where she left him, blinking like a deer in headlights. "It wasn't rough sex you freak. Peter got jumped on his way home and came here to get patched up."

"By who?" Jake dropped his duffle bag by the door while Peter gave him a little finger wave. "And what's with the tights?"

"I go to Julliard, ballet. I'm sure you now see the problem," Peter said quickly, saving Alex from a way less convincing lie. "You must be the older brother. This is not how I expected to meet."

"Well, I have no idea who you are so likewise." Jake smiled at Peter before he took in the carnage of the apartment. "I'd say sit down, but it doesn't look like that's an option with Lexie's minimal decor. Why don't you hop up on the counter and we'll see if we can't get you patched up."

"Lexie?" Peter raised an eyebrow but did what he was told as Jake took the bloody towel into the bathroom. Alex heard the water running, so she figured they'd have a few minutes to talk without him hearing it.

"You ever call me that, Parker, and I will kill you myself," Alex whispered as she brought the first aid kit over and surveyed the damage again. "You know, this all doesn't look as bad as I first thought."

"Fast healing, remember?" Peter groaned as he peeled off the rest of his suit, including his web-shooters, and sat there in just his boxers. "Hide this somewhere before your brother starts questioning the ballerina angle. You could have given me a little warning that he was coming."

"It wasn't supposed to be until after midterms," Alex whispered as Jake reappeared with a towel and a couple of washcloths.

"Alright, buddy, we're about to get real familiar with one another real quick," Jake said with a smile before surveying the damage. Alex took a moment to go into her grandfather's trunk, saying she thought there might be more gauze in there, and stashing Peter's suit and web-shooters into the false bottom.

The Harper siblings worked in tandem to get Peter back into one piece. There wasn't a lot of talking, just a hiss of pain or a groan from Peter while Alex and Jake muttered for a bandage, gauze, or the pair of scissors. Alex made comforting sounds now and again if something obviously hurt Peter badly, but luckily there weren't more instances of that. He wasn't a stranger to getting the crap beat out of him apparent.

"What kind of weapons were these guys carrying?" Jake asked while he finished bandaging up Peter's arm, the last wound that needed covered. "I haven't been in a lot of knife fights in my time, but the injuries I have seen didn't look like this."

"To be honest with you, I didn't get a good look at it. It all happened so fast." Peter shrugged, and then winced, as they started to clean up the towels and blood. "One minute I was walking toward the subway, still in my gear because practice ran over, and the next I was getting the ever-loving shit beat out of me. They took everything and only ran when someone shouted something at them. I didn't want to scare my aunt so I came here."

"Let me see if I have something you can put on and then we'll figure out how to get you home," Alex said as she took all the blood-soaked items into the bathroom and tossed them into the tub, letting the water run to try and clean them off.

After going all the way to the back of her closet shelf, Alex was finally able to find a pair of gym shorts and a hoodie. It was the first outfit that Alex had given James when she brought him in out of the rain. It seemed to be her emergency outfit for wayward superheroes. Hopefully, Peter would be the last one she ever had to give it to.

"Well, Peter can't walk home in this state and we can't sleep here Lex, so what's the plan?" Jake asked when Alex handed the clothing to Peter.

"You know, Jacob, I really hadn't gotten that far yet," Alex sighed as she looked over at the window. "Maybe you can take a cab with Peter and get a hotel room for the night? I'll help you with the cost if you need help."

"Lex, I am a welder with work, I'm pretty sure I have more money than you do. Also, what are you going to do, sleep on Gramp's old trunk? How long have you been living like this?" Jake sounded frustrated as Alex took the bucket from under the skin and took it into the bathroom. She swapped out the towels for the bucket, wringing out the last bit of water before laying them out to dry before bringing the now full bucket into the living room.

"There was an electrical fire that ruined the place. I lost a lot of my furniture in the fire, putting it out, and the cleanup. It only happened last week and I was just back into the place today," Alex explained as she poured some bleach into the water and started to scrub the floor furiously. "I've been crashing with friends and if you would have told me you were coming I could have warned you."

"If you told me anything about your life, I would have known that your life was in shambles," Jake shot back as he and Peter watched Alex scrub the blood furiously. "Like what the hell, Lexie? You couldn't even shoot me a text message?"

"And if I did, you would have told Mom and Dad," Alex said between clenched teeth, dunking the scrub brush into the water before bringing it out and scrubbing some more. "That would have led to emails and phone calls about how I should come back to the farm and spend the rest of my life raising calves and babies."

"You don't give them enough credit, Lex," Jake said with a sigh. "You don't give any of us any credit."

"Really? Because I'm the only one cleaning the apartment while you just stand there lecturing me." Alex threw the scrub brush in the water, sending it splattering everywhere. "I'm sorry that I didn't move to Miami and just have everything fall into my lap perfectly, that my life is a shit show and it is inconveniencing you. My humblest apologies."

"You think that everything has just fallen in my lap? Seriously?" Jake was properly angry now, his jaw clenched underneath the stupid ass beard of his. "You spoiled brat."

"Excuse me," Alex was on her feet before she even realized. "Spoiled? Is that the word that just came out of your mouth?"

"Um, bleeding guy over here," Peter cut in before Jake said anything else. "If you two are going to royal rumble in the apartment, that's your prerogative. I just need someone to help me get into the lobby and I'll take it from there."

Alex was so angry she could feel the heat radiating off her face, but she took a deep breath and let it out slowly through her nose. "Sorry, Parker. Let's get you out of here and back home so you can get some sleep."

"Well, finish your cleaning first. It will probably take me that long to get off this counter," Peter laughed as he slowly started to scoot toward the edge. "I also don't want you to lose your security deposit."

"I think that ship has sailed," Alex gave him a shaky smile but grabbed some wet Swiffer pads to finish cleaning up the floor before taking the blood off the walls and window sill. By the time she had finished, Jake had helped Peter get up on his feet, gathered his bag, and packed a bag for Alex as well.

The group didn't talk as they made their way to the elevator, Peter held up by the Harper siblings. Alex knew that he was in bad shape when he didn't even make a bad joke while they rode down to the lobby. Thankfully, Henry was busy with another resident so the group hurried out into the chilly autumn air. Peter took ages to get into the cab, swearing colorfully under his breath, but soon they were on their way to Queens.

"Now, after we drop Peter off, where are we going to spend the night?" Jake asked softly.

"Do you think it's the best idea for us to be in the same room unsupervised?" Alex hadn't forgotten what Jake had said to her in the apartment and she was still pissed about it.

"I'm not going to let you sleep curled up on the floor in your apartment like a stray cat," Jake gave her a look over Peter's head, as he was slumped down with his eyes closed. Alex didn't believe for a moment that he was asleep, he just didn't want to deal with the Harper siblings bickering. God, she wished she could do the same.

"Well, as I live here, I don't know any of the places to stay in the city that don't cost an arm and a leg," Alex huffed.

"If you're just looking at a place for the night," the cabbie said over his shoulder. "The Chelsea Inn's rates are pretty low right now. One of my other fares stated that they got a great deal after their AirBnB fell through at the last minute."

"Sounds great," Jake said before Alex could ask any more questions. "Take us there after we drop our other passenger off."

The cab was an uncomfortable silence after that, Peter still pretending to sleep while Jake and Alex looked out of their respective windows. Even the cabbie didn't try to speak with them, turning up sports radio as they moved through New York City traffic. Peter needed help getting out of the cab, but was able to make it up the stairs and into his house without assistance. He didn't say goodbye or thank you, but Alex didn't blame him. The fact that he was standing at all was a bit of a miracle.

The ride to the Chelsea Inn was even more uncomfortable and Alex had never been happier to see another person as she was to see the concierge at the hotel. She must have just started her shift because she was extremely chipper and pleasant as she checked the siblings into the "guest rooms", which were two rooms with Queen beds that had a connecting bathroom. That was probably the best arrangement for both siblings to make it out of the hotel in one piece the next morning.

Jake allowed Alex to unpack the bag he had bought for her and change for bed in blissful silence. However, she knew that it wasn't going to last. It wasn't until she was out of the shower, saying a silent thank you that the cabbie hadn't noticed her hands were stained with blood, that Jake pounced.

"Alright kid, I went down and got gummy worms, gummy bears, soda, and two slices of cheesecake as bribes. Then I went to a super shady alcohol store and got those little bottles of booze to add to the soda. We're having a conversation no ifs, ands, or buts about it." Jake motions to the spread of junk food on his bed. "You could go and slam the door like when you were a teenager, but there is no escaping me, so we might as well get it over with."

Alex sighed heavily, but she hadn't eaten since those fries with Olivia and that sandwich before she started cleaning. She was starving. The promise of alcohol was also not something she could easily pass up given the events of the last couple of hours. However, she would rather die than let Jake think that this was anything but a complete and utter inconvenience on her life, so she made a big show of flopping down on the bed and pouting just a bit.

"You're such a brat," Jake shook his head, but sat down on the other side of the bed, pawing through the goodies he had purchased. "Now I know things got a little heated earlier-"

"You mean when you were being an asshole?"

"But," Jake raised his voice and continued, "just take a second to look at it from my point of view. You went through hell last year and none of us knew. We saw what it did to you, how unlike yourself you were. So I show up a bit early to make sure everything is as alright as you say it is. I walk into an empty apartment that's covered in blood, and a man half beat to shit standing there like this is a bad play. Can you blame me for being a little on edge?"

Alex really couldn't blame him, especially because he still didn't know the whole story about what happened the year before or why Peter had the ever-loving hell beat out of him. While she didn't think Jake would be able to deal with all the superhero stuff, and pparently he thought she was a spoiled brat, part of him did care. If she had seen him in the same scenario when she went to Miami, she would also be upset and concerned. She should throw him a bone, only so he'd stop digging.

"First, you have to promise not to tell mom and dad," Alex said as she popped open the cheesecake container. "Second, you can't freak out."

"I promise not to tell mom and dad, but the second one is a harder sell." Jake dumped gin into his bottle of Sprite and Jack into the bottle of Coke before handing it to Alex. "I am a big brother, after all, so depending on what you tell me, it's my duty to freak out."

"Well, you remember when you told me about the news story with something ripping apart scientists' apartments?" Alex said slowly, looking at the cheesecake instead of her brother.

"Oh, I do not like where this is going," Jake said before taking a long sip from his drink. "There wasn't an electrical fire in your apartment, was there?"

"There was not," Alex said with a sigh. "Whatever the thing was tore everything to shreds, which is why I didn't have any furniture anymore either. Police still don't know what it wants, but the important thing is that I'm fine."

Jake took a deep breath before tearing into a pack of gummy bears and ripping a couple of heads off with his teeth. Alex let him stew with that statement while she polished off the cheesecake and debated whether he was angry enough to not realize she had eaten his piece as well. She decided not to test him when he was already on the edge and moved onto the gummy worms. Jake continued to stay worryingly silent.

"Did you break a mirror or something while I wasn't looking? Maybe got on the wrong side of a witch and got hexed? How is it that you always end up in these situations?" Jake finally said after finishing over half of his drink. "This isn't like the motorcycle gang when you were sixteen, you did that yourself, or that asshole last year that you dated for some reason. This danger is just seeking you out. It's a moth and you're a freaking flame. Unless you're still lying to me, which is also very much like you."

"I'm not telling you a lot of things, but this is everything I know about this guy. He calls himself the Jackal and no one knows what he has against the scientific community," Alex laid down on her stomach to get more comfortable, still eating gummy worms between sentences.

"Maybe he is a mad scientist like in the James Bond movies. Who cares?" Jake shrugged as more poor brave gummy bears lost their heads. "Whatever the reason, you think he'll come back to your place? If so, maybe you should think about staying somewhere else until he's caught."

Now Alex had to decide how honest to be with her brother. Did she tell him about the Jackal's nocturnal visit after murdering someone else? That didn't seem like a good idea, but he'd be able to read about the murder in the paper so she couldn't lie completely. What was the half-truth that wouldn't end in them screaming at one another about what was best for her safety?

"I don't exactly have money to stay anywhere else for however long it will take the police to figure this guy out. Besides, he hasn't hit any of the other scientists twice." Alex took a deep breath before continuing. "But, I am going to tell you something so that you can't say I'm holding anything back or lying to you. The last scientist who's apartment he got into, the scientist was there and he killed them."

Jake downed the rest of his Sprite and Gin in a single gulp. Alex thought that was a good idea and downed her Rum and Coke, which had substantially more liquid in it than Jake's did. That led to hiccups, which made Jake laugh as he got her some water to help. They were both giggling like idiots while Alex attempted to drink the water and hiccuping at the same time, which led to more laughing and more hiccups. It was a vicious circle, but it broke the tension.

"You good?" Jake asked once the both of them got themselves under control, Alex wiping tears out of her eyes as she nodded. "Alright, good. I don't know what's going on in this crazy-ass city, but now that I'm here, I'm going to take care of my baby sister. That means that tomorrow we're going to thrift stores or Ikea or wherever and getting you some furniture. Then I am going to buy you dinner to make sure you eat. You're looking a bit gaunt.."

"I'm insulted that you think I haven't been eating well," Alex put on mock outrage before laughing. "I'm not saying that you're wrong, hot pockets are my main food group, but the fact that you'd point it out is just rude. However, that's all going to have to wait until I'm done with classes and my internship."

"You can't take one day off? Play hooky like high school?" Jake rolled his eyes. "You need to move to Miami and chill out, kid."

"Not all of us can smoke weed and surf all day," Alex smiled as she started to clean up the carnage of their snack session. "Some of us are still in college as well as having to pay rent."

"Jealousy is not a good color on you, Lex," Jake smiled as he laid down on the bed. "How early are you going to have to roll out of here in the morning?"

"Well, the class is at eight in the morning so probably earlier than I would like. Luckily, I'm not going to have to figure out how to get there." Alex stretched as she tossed out the trash and headed into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

"And that's because…" Alex didn't have to look at her brother to know that he had an eyebrow raised.

"Because after the attack on the apartment, Mr. Stark was kind enough to grant me the use of a vehicle and driver to ensure my safety too and from work." Alex didn't think that Jake would even believe her if she tried to explain that Steve Rogers had talked Tony Stark into it. As much as she joked about being the smarter sibling, not a lot got past Jake, especially if they were talking face to face.

"Well, it's the least he could do after working for him puts you in constant danger," Jake muttered.

"We don't know that. All the other scientists have been working at Oscorp." Alex didn't know why she was defending Tony Stark, a lot more powerful people had said a lot worse things to and about him.

"So he just picked you out at random? That is what makes you feel better?" Jake shook his head. "All those academic accolades and you still are an absolute dumbass."

"Goodnight to you too, jackass." Alex rolled her eyes before closing the door to her room a little more forcefully than necessary.

Alex's sleep was far from restful, even though the bed was comfortable and the room was pleasantly cool. Peter didn't return any of the text messages she sent him after telling Mrs. Nazari about her change of location. She only slept for forty-five minutes to an hour before she was awake again, checking her phone and sending another text message to Peter before staring at the ceiling and listening to the air conditioning hum. When her alarm went off, Peter still had said nothing and Alex was almost sick to her stomach about it. Jake was snoring peacefully when Alex slipped out for a run and muttered something when she came back in but didn't wake up.

Jake's eyes were at least open when Alex came out from her shower, though he was still flopped on his stomach and didn't look as if he planned on checking out any time soon. He asked something about breakfast, but Alex just told him to go back to bed. It wasn't that she wasn't hungry, but trying to wake Jake up was like rousing a bear from hibernation and she didn't want to keep Mrs. Nazari waiting. Jake was totally happy with going back to sleep.

"Any reason you're in a hotel today, Miss Harper?" Mrs. Nazari asked, her face concerned as she opened the door for Alex. "You weren't attacked again, were you?"

"Only by a surprise visit by my brother," Alex smiled as she slipped into the car. "And please, call me Alex or A.J. I'm not put together enough to be referred to as Miss Harper by someone I see every day."

"You are technically my client, but if you insist," Mrs. Nazari smiled as she went to close the door. "There are some treats for you in the pocket if you haven't eaten yet. I'm not sure if this hotel has continental breakfast or not. My children don't think I notice when they stuff them there when they don't want them."

Alex smiled as she pulled out sliced apples and mangos from the pouch in the back of the SUV. She also found a small toy horse that she assumed belongs to one of the children as well. Alex tucked it back into the pouch without a word. Mrs. Nazari probably would be embarrassed if Alex brought it up. So, Alex happily munched on fresh fruit while Mrs. Nazari made clicking and humming sounds in response to whatever the news was telling her.

It wasn't until Professor Warren came into class and Peter still wasn't in his seat next to her that Alex went from being concerned to be truly scared that Peter had overestimated his healing abilities. It was one thing not to answer her text messages at night, but to not come to class? His superior healing powers be damned, she should have dragged his battered ass to the hospital the moment he tumbled into her apartment. She was going to murder him if he wasn't already on his death bed.

By some grace of God, Professor Warren was also off his game and even ended class early complaining of a headache. Everyone was so surprised by this that they all sat in their chairs staring at one another as if they were worried it was a test. The poor teaching assistance probably thought that they were all hypnotized when he came in for their lab section. He even asked if everything was alright before launching into how close they were to midterms and how they should book their time with the computers if they didn't have their finished analysis already.

Alex was sure whatever they learned was extremely important, but all she could think about was Peter Parker and as soon as she was able, she was running down the street and begging Mrs. Nazari to drive her to his home and not Stark Tower. It took a little bit of convincing and a call to the lab before Mrs. Nazari was persuaded to head to Queens.

[seiginotora]

Characters / The Trinity Concept - Pagan

Pagan, also known as The Cat Shaped Like A Girl, or The Louisiana Cat-Girl, is a cryptid born in 1882 in De Baca County, New Mexico. The progeny of the cryptid known as the Wampus Cat and a human male, the kitten girl was found and raised by a gunslinger named Casey McCormic, who was tasked to finding the strange creature by a mysterious figure who called himself Indrid Cold. Befriending her and naming her after his lost daughter Katherine, he was only able to care for her for eleven days, until his troubled past came back to claim his life. Before he died however, Casey urged Katherine to keep fighting for what was right in her heart, and not to let anyone find her. Taking his final request to heart, Katherine found a way out of De Baca County, and found herself in the Louisiana Bayou, where she spent the majority of her lengthy childhood.

It was only in the early 90's, when she was physically in her late teens, when her curiosity of the outside world began to tug at her. For decades she had avoided being caught by hunters who sought to find the Louisiana Cat-Girl, alive or dead. But it was a photographer who had managed to capture Katherine's curiosity. After he had given her the nickname of Pagan, named after his dead pet cat. He had left the swamps to publish his findings. But the newly christened Pagan decided to follow him into the city. From there, Pagan had gotten into a mixture of adventures and misadventures alike, becoming a wanderer who helped people who needed it, making close friends along the way as well as many enemies, both human and otherwise. Eventually, she would be met by the legendary Jeanne d'Arc herself, who offered her a place in the extradimensional peacekeeping organization known as the Secret. Always curious, Pagan accepted the offer, and found herself a new home in the Waystation's district of New Iroquois, becoming something of a celebrity as she would found a orphanage in one of the smaller towns.

Pagan represents the Aspect of Love, as a part of Trinity Terra alongside Jeanne and Kuroi Widow.

Tropes as portrayed in media:

Adorkable: Having lived most of her childhood out in the wilderness, Pagan isn't very sociable around other people, often quiet and a little shy. She's even a little childlike at times, and often overexplains bits and pieces of her life in often embarrassing ways. Even living out in the open in the Waystation hasn't nullified any of these qualities, as she's unprepared for the very notion; she's USED to her previous life hiding from people.

Burger King Register Operator: W-would you like a combo with that?

Pagan: Combo? What's that? I usually get yourr fish from the dumpsters late at night so I don't know what "combos" arre.

Animal-Themed Superbeing: Cat. More specifically, a mountain lion.

All-Loving Hero: Every action Pagan takes is built from love itself, whether it's protecting innocent lives, fighting monsters, or even ready to lay down her life to save others.

Berzerk Button: May whatever God you believe in help you if Pagan finds out you've harmed... or worse... KILLED, any children.

Beware The Nice Ones: Pagan is sweet and kind to anyone she calls friend. Just don't get on her bad side.

Cat Girl: Pretty obvious, this one.

Catchphrase: "I am currious."

Cats Hate Water: Inverted; having lived in the Louisiana Bayou, since a lot of it is water to begin with, Pagan is more than used to swimming in it.

Color-Coded Characters: Pagan often wears red, as it reminds her of the story of Red Riding Hood... the original story, where the titular character dies at the hands of the Big Bad Wolf. It reminds her that humans needs to be protected from such monsters and that she'll be the one to protect them.

Cute Little Fangs: Pagan has them, and when she's being adorable, they're quite the feature.

Cute Monster Girl: Yep. Definitely that.

Deceased Parents Are The Best: While technically not her real father, Casey McCormic was the best father figure Pagan could ever have in the eleven days they were together, teaching her the fundamentals of right and wrong that she adheres to to this day.

Does Not Like Shoes: About 95% of the time Pagan is always barefoot; having stated that shoes are uncomfortable against her toe claws. She could always wear sandals, of course, and she does when she has an image inducer on to appear more human. But once the inducer is off, so do the sandals.

Femme Fatalons: Pagan was born with sharp claws on her fingers and toes, and more often than not uses them as her primary weapons; she has twin daggers too, but she only uses those if her claws can't get the job done.

Forgotten Birthday: Inverted, as it's PAGAN who often forgets her own birthday, and it's her friends who remind her of it, often by throwing her a party. Which shows just how cherished a friend Pagan truly is.

Friend To All Children: Pagan adores children, and will protect them with all the ferocity of a lioness protecting her cubs. She even has an orphanage set up in the town of Doublehead in New Iroquois called Pagan's Pride, where she takes care of children whose lives are upended by ill fate.

Half-Human Hybrid: She is said to be the near-perfect hybrid of human and feline, her very DNA held together by ancient magicks.

Healing Factor: Pagan heals faster than a regular human, having survived being impaled by her own blades, and even being riddled with bullets. Some injuries heal slower or faster than others, depending on the severity, and she's unable to regenerate missing limbs, organs, or brain cells.

Hopeless With Tech: Type 2; Pagan knows how a cellphone works at least. But that's about it. And sometimes she can't tell some devices apart.

Pagan: This is so confusing. Oseiko, I've been trrying to text Jeanne all day but therre's no rresponse!

Oseiko: ... uhm... Pagan, that's a calculator.

Ironic Allergy: Pagan is allergic to catnip. While it can still get her high, she also can't stop sneezing when she's around it. Mostly played for laughs.

Literal-Minded: Tied in to her adorkable personality, Pagan sometimes doesn't quite understand figurative speech just yet.

Moonhowl: Okay, girl. Fess up now. Three kids. All girls. Just admit it. Your biological clock is ticking.

Pagan: I don't own a clock.

Ms. Fanservice: Between Jeanne and Kuroi Widow, Pagan's choice of attire is a bit more form-fitting and lacking of armor. But considering she's tougher and quicker than a regular human it can be argued she doesn't really need armor all that much.

My Instincts Are Showing: Pagan will often walk on her hands and knees and sit on all fours, brush her head against someone's leg, blink her eyes slowly around someone she trusts, etc. All the telltale body language that cats usually exhibit.

Noble Savage: Living most of your life in the Louisiana Bayou tends to do that, though she still protected people from being attacked by any of the wildlife there.

Non-Malicious Monster: Pagan would argue that she's not even a monster, just an animal. Even so, humans who don't know her wouldn't see her that way, and may be afraid or even attack her, even though she has vowed to protect them from monsters that WOULD kill them.

Parental Abandonment: The Wampus Cat, Pagan's mother, abandoned her when she was only a kitten; her human father never even knew she existed.

Proportional Aging: Pagan ages approximately every six and a half years; having been born in 1882, as of 2020, she would be 138 years old, though physically she looks like she's in her early 20's.

Shameless Fanservice Girl: Pagan dislikes clothing and would love to just go around naked all the time since she WAS naked throughout her childhood in the Louisiana Swamps. But for the sake of her friends and passers by she wears clothes out of simple courtesy.

Super Reflexes: Pagan has incredible reflexes, able to dodge most attacks rather effortlessly, and also shows incredible flexibility, especially when slipping out of restraints that would've easily held a normal human.

Super Senses: Pagan's senses are about ten times as keen as an average human's, and about five times that of an average cat's. She is able to see in the dark due to feline-like night vision, and she's also to smell pheromones allowing her to read emotions of others on a basic level, and can easily tell when someone is lying to her from sensing said pheromones and hearing their heartbeat.

Super Strength: Pagan can lift up to nearly 950 pounds. Considering how much muscle definition she has she looks like she could easily rip someone apart to begin with, if she wanted to, that is.

Super Toughness: Pagan's physiology makes her much tougher than an average human. Her body is able to withstand great impact forces and blunt trauma that would severely injure or kill someone else, though she is far from invulnerable.

Trrrilling Rrrs: Pagan trills when she speaks, much like how a cat would purr.

[sohannabarberaesque]

Underwater America with Peter Potamus (episode 24: Lake Winnipesaukee, New Hampshire)

Soooo ... another episode of this contrived 1970-71 first-run syndiucated series awaits following a journey which, for one, involved the Port Jefferson-Bridgeport ferry over Long Island Sound to save much traffic through New York heading out of Long Island ... as well as bypassing Boston via the I-495 ring heading towards the Spalding Turnpike in New Hampshire, and heading to--well, let’s leave it to Your Kindly Host:

PETER POTAMUS, in narration as the approach to Lake Winnipesaukee comes into sight aerially: Not quite the change between night and day as between salt water and fresh water ... but it turns out we were heading for the New Hampshire Lakes Region out near Laconia, and more specifically Lake Winnipesaukee, New Hampshire’s largest lake ... close to the White Mountains in its own way, and long a popular weekend retreat from across New England ... home to no less than 265 islands of varying size and remarkably clear waters!

MILDEW WOLF, trying to add some levity: Is it just me, or do things seem a little too laconic down in Laconia?

BREEZLY BRUIN: So what exactly is the dive routine going to be like?

PETER POTAMUS: It took awhile to look up some old diving buddies of ours out by Weirs Beach--what you might call a “suburb” of Laconia, perhaps the most important town in the Lakes Region; his is the sort of diver’s rendezvous as requires close acquaintenance to access--and he was one to suggest a few interesting dive spots more to the north of “the Great Spirit’s smile,” as the Indian name of Winnipesaukee translates. (More on those later.)

In any case, the scene shifts to the excursion boat M/S Mount Washington, the better to get acquainted with that particular lake; we can find the inevitable double takes among unacquainted tourists on a day’s excursion, as well as the views to be had and snippets of the narration. Not to mention “candid” shots of some of our divers otherwise enjoying a day’s sightseeing.

So, to get acquainted somewhat with the lake itself, we took a boat excursion aboard that grand old lady, the M/S Mount Washington ... and can you believe just how many among the tourists gave us rather dumb looks, as if we were--well, you wouldn’t be interested ... [Shifting now to a boater’s bar in Weirs Beach for some New England boiled dinner with a view unto Lake Winnipesaukee itself, with the diving buddies along as well ...] And following the boat tour, wouldn’t you believe some classic New England boiled dinner over some discussion over the dive spots that were recommended....

Shifting now to the scene off Center Harbor, on the northwestern part of Winnipesaukee, especially focusing on the dive boat chugging its way merrily along ... and Peter continues with the narrative:

The first of the spots as was recommended was at a spot called Becky’s Garden, which is situated between Two Mile Island (as in distance from Center Harbor, I presume) and Blackcat Island on the northern side essentially....

MIDEW WOLF: Whoever this Becky was, I just have to wonder how she was able to keep her garden growing underwater all this time....

SQUIDDLY DIDDLY, ever stoked up at what to expect: But I’m sure the discovery is bound to be more fascinating than what explains the name!

Meanwhile, approaching the location of Becky’s Garden, we move back unto the dive boat, fitting on wetsuits as much as the gear; Lake Winnipesaukee’s waters can get into the mid-50′s even in the heighth of summer, hence the precaution. We can also listen in on what are essentially the basics of the dive, the safety precautions to be experienced ... followed by a “ballet in black” as the wetsuit-clad crew makes their entry into “The Smile of the Great Spirit”, as captured by the ever-incomparable Squiddly Diddly from the underwater perspective. And as the inevitably cheesy music starts in the background, the greenish-blue waters of Winnipesaukee are evidently highlighting the black neoprene wetsuits. At least two have brought along underwater flashlights to enhance the sense of discovery in Becky’s Garden....

LIPPY THE LION, narrating over some rather crazy footage showing him and Hardy Har-Har close to the bottom: Trying to avoid a letdown big time based on what a name suggested isn’t easy to come by underwater, especially when the name suggests some sort of magical underwater garden....

LOOPY De LOOP, filling in somewhat: Still, you can’t help but wonder what can be found ... especially some lake eels and bass, some mislaid fishing tackle--

WALLY GATOR, narrating off camera: --and a fresh sense of curiosity, as if the feel of foam rubber against by alligator skin wasn’t giving me headaches, don’t you know! And you thought ice cream headaches were awful enough!

HOKEY WOLF, likewise: And you wonder why it was called “Becky’s Garden” in the first place, to begin with, even when most of the time was spent shining a flashlight on a mostly grass-strewn bottom!

Otherwise, the scene at Becky’s Garden could be considered almost serendipitious in its own way....

PETER POTAMUS, changing back from wetsuit to trademark safari jacket: And if you thought Becky’s Garden was interesting enough a place just because of the name ... wait till you see what we found off Wolfeboro, to the west along the north shore!

We shift the scene after the inevitable break to the harbour area of Wolfeboro, another important community on Lake Winnipesaukee--and more specifically, the area around Clark’s Point Beach and its shallows. Again, considering the cool waters, wetsuits are more or less the norm even as our divers gather in knee-deep waters in the shallows.

Off Wolfeboro, on the northern side of Winnipesaukee, comes a couple of particularly interesting dive spots ... the first such comes off Clark’s Point, at a park along the lakeshore. Which, for the somewhat rock-strewn shallows to be had, is a gateway into a rather surprising underwater world. And what makes it especially amazing is that such can be entered from shore....

And what a sight ensues, with a fascinating time to be had by all, especially starting at around 50 feet down, whence a “wall” starts descending down into the lake featuring some unlikely formations and at least a shallow underwater cavern into which some light is shone into same. You can pretty much let some carefully-scored-to-match-the-setting background music speak for itself with this scene as much as the curiosity factor seeing such a sharp underwater wall as this ...

But at any rate, we “saved the best for last,” as it were.

Aerials of a dive boat approaching Parker Island, off Wolfeboro, eventually moving to a briefing explaining what was to hand in the dive: A sort of “giant’s staircase” in granite underwater off the island, at a depth of between 20 and 40 feet under the surface, replete with jokes about the possibility of some Lost Underwater Civilisation perhaps having made its acquaintenance with Lake Winnipesaukee being shot down by Peter’s explaining such was the product of glacial action during the Ice Age as created the New Hampshire Lakes Region as much as the White Mountains. And following the safety briefing and check of equipment ... off into the water, scored to equally incredible stock music. Which also features the camera work of Squiddly Diddly capturing a wide shot of the underwater “giant’s staircase”, followed by bemusing scenes of the divers themselves trying to “climb” same as if they were rockclimbing.

SQUIDDLY DIDDLY, narrating the scene to hand: Setting things up beforehand, I must admit, almost seemed like a piece of cake ... though on seeing such an unlikely staircase as this underwater, I had to admit to being rather stunned and yet amazed at just how stunning an underwater stairway could look. Especially considering its glacial origins, by and large, belieing the almost symmetrical shape of such a staircase!

HOKEY WOLF, narrating the experience off camera: And just imagine sensing yourself a kid again, imagining crawling on all fours on the ground--only you’re doing so underwater against something as unlikely as this!

PETER POTAMUS, getting narrative himself at the experience: Ahhhh, feeling almost like a kid again! Imagining myself climbing such a staircase as this underwater!!

And we also get an interesting group shot of the wetsuited crew seated on the “stairs” of this underwater marvel ... and to wrap things up, here’s Peter one last time:

The things you can’t help but picture or imagine underwater ... especially with a crew like us ... and next week, we start to wind things down in the north country of Maine, as in around Moosehead Lake and Moxie Pond, as in that popular New England concoction of refreshment. In the meantime ... enjoy the dive!

@warnerarchive​ @hanna-barbera-land​ @warnerbrosentertainment​ @hanna-barbera-blog​ @hanna-barberians​ @joey-gatorman​

[mst3kproject]

Uninvited

Uninvited was directed by Greydon Clark of Angels Revenge and stars Clu Gulager, who was in San Francisco International but definitely not in The Touch of Satan.  Oh, and it’s a movie about a mutant bloodthirsty kitty-cat.

Yes, you did just read that sentence.  See, while our feline antagonist may look like an adorable fluffy orange baby, he has a deadly secret.  When angry or in pain, he coughs up a horrible hairball that becomes Hulk Kitty.  Hulk Kitty grows to the size of a mountain lion, kills everybody that annoyed it, and then shrinks down again to crawl back inside Normal Kitty, whom I shall call Creamsicle.

We begin with Creamsicle and Hulk Kitty escaping from a Secret Lab, hidden in plain sight in a building in the middle of Fort Lauderdale.  A day or so later, a couple of bathing-suited bimbos on Spring Break are pounced upon by some rich creep named Walter, who invites them along on a cruise on his yacht in the hopes of getting laid.  The girl in turn invite along a couple of douchebags they met at a marina, and pick up Creamsicle when they find him in a garbage can and fall in love with him.  Walter, meanwhile, brings along his buddy Mike, as the two of them are using their ‘cruise’ as cover for escaping to a tax haven in the Cayman Islands.

Does this sound like a bunch of annoying assholes stuck on a boat with a murdering monster?  Sure does. Would you be surprised if I told you there’s a storm coming and the guy steering the boat is drunk?  Of course you wouldn’t.  How about if I told you Hulk Kitty is venomous?  That seems like a little much, doesn’t it?  Well, that’s what this whole movie is like.  It takes everything you can imagine sucking in a film and turns it up to eleven.

Take the characters… please.  None of them have any personality or subtlety. Mike is nothing but an Evil Businessman and Walter is a horny Evil Businessman.  The girls are empty-headed blow-up dolls, equally willing to doff their bikinis for Walter or for these assholes they met on the beach.  The guys are boring jerks who would definitely be wearing crocs and Oakley sunglasses if those had been commonly available in 1988.  The two who are destined to survive are Hedgeworth, the douches’ nerd friend, and Rachel, the yacht captain, neither of whom we even meet until at least twenty minutes into the movie.  Maybe this is to preserve the surprise of who lives and who dies but it just comes across as bad writing.  Honestly the character I come closest to identifying with is Mike, who’s trapped on the boat with all these fucking idiots and it’s making him want to shoot somebody.

Take the situation.  Walter actually wants to leave the kids behind while he leaves the country because they’ll be in the way, but the yacht’s entire crew quits because he over-works and insults them, and the bimbos volunteer themselves and the boys as replacements.  Only slightly less forced is the bit where he wants the cat sent back to shore but keeps it because he figures if he gives in, the bimbos are more likely to sleep with him later. And oh, yes, people do go to investigate What That Strange Noise in The Dark was.  They do stop to lick each other’s tonsils while there’s a monster running around.  They do destroy the radio so nobody can call for help.  It’s like a checklist of ways to get killed in a monster movie.

Take the acting.  George Kennedy mostly looks like he’s on the verge of falling asleep and nobody else much bothers.  They go through the motions with all the enthusiasm of people who know they’re in a dirt-cheap movie about a killer kitty cat… except for Shari Shattuck as the blonder of the two bimbos (her name is Suzanne and her friend is Bobbie, if you care – I didn’t) who really goes all out during her supposed nervous breakdown in the final half-hour.  Boy, she sucks.  It’s like she can act with her facial expressions or her voice, but not both at the same time.

Take the editing.  We cut from a scene in the dark on Walter’s yacht, anticipating the party that’s going to happen later, to a scene in broad daylight where a gas station attendant is giving Creamsicle a saucer of milk.  Is this the next day?  Is it the same evening?  Have we gone back in time?  It can’t be Australia because nobody has an accent.  What happened to the yacht party?  Only a few minutes later do we learn that we actually skipped the party even though the events so far seemed to be building to it.  Later, we cut from everybody just hanging out on the boat by day feeling like it’s the end of the world, to the middle of the storm at night, with no build-up at all.  The plot moves in such fits and starts it almost gives you whiplash.

How about the special effects?  When Creamsicle disgorges Hulk Kitty, he does so in the form of a hand puppet that barfs up an even sillier hand puppet.  There’s a scene in which the driver of a truck is attacked by this from the back seat, and you can clearly see the arm sticking out of the back of the puppet.  The puppeteer is wearing a blue shirt.  When Rachel and Hedgeworth are in the lifeboat in the storm, they’re obviously on a dark soundstage while somebody sprays them with water from a single nozzle. The boat is being shaken and the camera is rocking, but it’s clear they’re nowhere near the ocean.  The nearest thing to an effect that works is when people swell up and explode as a result of the Hulk Kitty venom.  This is fake blood being pumped into latex appliances, but at least it’s nice and gross.

Then there are, of course, the million little details that add amusement value to a movie like this.  Like the guy’s wet socks drooping off his feet when he dives into the ocean to try to save a friend.  Like the fact that Walter turns on the bubbles before having a co-conspirator drowned in his hot tub.  The fact that a truck crashing is represented by stock footage of a totally different truck. The fact that Creamsicle’s meowing is a recording of the same single meow played over and over.  This would have to be a Jonah episode because I don’t think earlier incarnations of the show could riff fast enough to keep up with this movie’s bullshit.

This all means that Uninvited is plenty of fun to watch, even when it’s stupid people doing stupid things.  There are long-ish scenes of bimbos kissing jerkwads but they don’t go to the point where it gets frustrating.  When stuff starts happening, it’s usually silly enough to make us giggle.  Characters die largely of their own stupidity, but we didn’t like them anyway so we’re not turned off by that.

The camera does leer at the women, but it does so mostly through the eyes of male characters we’re not supposed to like. Walter and the two douches from the Marina (their names are Corey and Lance, because of course they are) are a bunch of sexist assholes, and the long shots that pan over the women’s swimsuited bodies happen when they enter the room.  This almost allows Greydon Clark to get away with it – by using the shots to suggest that the men are jerks, he can objectify his cheesecake and claim to respect it, too.  I’m not at all fooled, but I’m kind of impressed by the thought he put into it.

When I reviewed The Corpse Grinders I spent some time discussing the question of why cats.  In that movie I figured it was because cats seem more likely to turn on us than dogs and because they were cheaper to work with.  In Uninvited there seems to be something similar going on.  We all suspect that inside our cats is a wild animal just waiting to get out – just watch your house pet stalk the squirrels on the other side of the kitchen window if you don’t believe me.  Creamsicle’s inner monster is a very literal one, and it takes the form of something much like the big, predatory jungle beasts that are so closely related to our pet kitties.  The fact that Creamsicle himself is a really, really adorable cat helps drive the point home.

If you squint, you can also find a pro-environmental message in Uninvited.  The scientists at the beginning of the movie weren’t even sure what it was they’d done to Creamsicle – they thought maybe he just had a tumor.  They had to discover Hulk Kitty the hard way.  Pumping crap into the environment and then being surprised when it comes back and poisons us is basically how we spent the entire twentieth century.  You can see Hulk Kitty as a metaphor for mercury-laden tuna, for refrigerants destroying the ozone layer, for killer bees, for pretty much whatever looming environmental disaster from the 80’s that you want.

Uninvited is ninety minutes long and in that entire time there is absolutely nothing good in it.  The opening credits music sucks and the whole movie just coasts downhill from there, but the journey, from Creamsicle’s supposedly exciting escape from the lab to the inevitable ‘it’s not over!’ denouement, is amusing enough as terrible movies go.  You can rent this one for three bucks on YouTube and unlike paying a dollar fifty for Hamlet, it’s totally worth it.

[lamptracker]

FIC: Your Guide to the Afterlife

I know, I know, my inbox. But I also have this to publish, so.

And I don’t know where I came up with this so be gentle.

FIC: Your Guide to the Afterlife

Pairing: Female Reader/Harrison Osterfield

Summary: The reader dies. Harrison is her guide to the next step in her eternal journey. This is all fluff.

Also I’m going to be redoing my taglist like real soon-ish.

**

You have no idea what you’re doing here.

One minute, you were driving down the road; you’d been out celebrating your best friend’s birthday. You were the designated driver, so you were sober; you had just finished dropping off your last passenger.

The next thing you knew, you’d heard screeching tires, crunching metal, breaking glass; the smell of burning rubber, gasoline, and blood filled your nostrils. You remember feeling weightless for a moment, like you were flying; the earth soon rose up to meet you.

The last thing you remember thinking was: what is happening?

Now you’re in a small room. Everything is white - the walls, the carpeting. You’re sitting on a white overstuffed couch. A small white vase sits atop an end table (white wood); three white lilies peek out from the top.

Your first thought is: Where am I?

Your second thought: Why is everything white?

“Hello?” you call out. Despite the carpeted floors, your voice echoes slightly. “Is anyone there?”

No answer.

Sighing, you lean back onto the cushions and close your eyes. You open them a short time later; seated to your immediate right is a young man.

You jump in surprise, because he definitely wasn’t there when you sat down. Your eyes go wide as you study him.

He’s about your age, if you had to guess. His close-cropped hair is dark blond, curly. He has piercing blue eyes and the brightest smile you’ve ever seen. He's clad in all black, a stark contrast to your surroundings - black button down shirt, black jeans, black sneakers.

“Oh, hello, (y/n),” he says, in an air that suggest he’s been waiting for you the entire time. “My name is Harrison. I’m sure you have a lot of questions right now.”

“Where am I?” you ask, voice shaking slightly. “And how did you know my name?”

Harrison smiles. “I’m what they call a psychopomp.”

Your brow furrows in confusion. “A what, now?”

“A psychopomp.”

You groan quietly. “Okay, um… Harrison, was it? Look, you can repeat it all you like, it’s still not going to make me understand it. Now, what on earth does that mean?”

Harrison laughs. “Oh, basically I’m a guide,” he says. “A psychopomp’s job is to guide newly deceased souls to the afterlife.”

Your eyes grow wide again. “So...so you mean I...I’m... “

“Dead?” Harrison’s eyes seem to light up at this. “Yes, the car crash. You were hit by a drunk driver going the wrong way. Ironic, isn’t it? Designated driver gets killed by a drunk driver? You didn’t die straight away, but you were gone before they got you to the hospital. If it makes you feel any better, the other driver died on impact. But he’s not here, that gets you straight to Hell.” He makes a low whistling sound while doing a weird sort of downward pointing motion.

“So… I’m dead.”

“Yes.”

“I’m dead?”

“You can repeat it all you like,” Harrison says, mimicking your earlier statement, “but it’s still not going to make it any less true.”

“I can’t be dead!” you exclaim, springing from your seat. “I’m not ready for this.”

“Nobody ever is,” Harrison says, voice slightly misty. “Even the ones that say they are? They’re really not, they just say that to try and help their loved ones feel better. But they’re just as terrified as you are.”

“I have so much to do,” you continue as you pace the room. “So much I didn’t get to do. I never got married-”

“Jake was all wrong for you, anyway,” Harrison says.

“I never had kids, I never even graduated from college, I never got to go to Paris.”

“Paris is overrated,” Harrison says. “The people are stuck-up and it always smells like stale bread. And you were going to fail that Statistics final anyway.”

You roll your eyes. You’re about to continue your lament of all the things you never accomplished, when a realization hits you:

“So… if I’m here, and you’re here,” you start slowly, “does that mean you’re dead too?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah.”

“Am I… am I allowed to ask how you died?”

“Attacked by a mountain lion.”

Your eyes grow wide again. “Really?”

Harrison groans, his head hitting the back of the couch. “No. But it sounds way cooler than ‘anaphylaxis during knee surgery,’ doesn’t it?”

“You… huh?”

“I tore my ACL while I was training for a marathon, and when I went into surgery to have it repaired I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and… now I’m here.”

“Well,” you say, smiling. “We all gotta go some way.”

“But my way sucks.”

“So does mine.”

Harrison sighs as he leans forward, his elbows coming to rest on his knees. “I guess there’s really no good way to go, is there?”

You shrug. “I’ve always thought heart attack during sex would’ve been kinda cool. Or, I don’t know, died saving someone I loved. Fell into an active volcano, maybe. Definitely not something as bland as a car crash.”

“At least you didn’t die during routine knee surgery.”

“Fair point.” You look around the room for a moment, drumming your fingertips on your thighs. “So, um… how do I get there? You know, to where I’m going?”

Harrison smiles at you again. “Oh, you already know how to get there. You just… get up and start going, your soul knows where to take you.”

“Hmm. Okay. So… why are you here?”

“The journey’s a little long,” he explains, “and it can get lonely. So… I’m a guide, yes, but I’m also a companion. I’m here to… keep you company.”

“Wow,” you reply. “That’s actually kind of nice.”

“So.” Harrison stands, offering you his hand. “Shall we go?”

“I… I guess I’m ready.” You gently grasp his extended hand, and the two of you start down a long, narrow corridor.

He was right - your feet seem to know where they want to take you. You’re still slightly scared of what’s on the other end of the hallway, but you have Harrison now.

So the other end of the hallway doesn’t seem quite so daunting.

“What happens next?” you ask. “Where am I going?”

“I… okay. It’s a little weird-”

“Trust me, Harrison, nothing about this place could qualify as normal.”

Harrison chuckles. “And it’s a little hard to explain, um… you know the DMV?”

You wince. “Oh, God, I’m doomed to an eternity of waiting in line to get my registration renewed?! I was a good person! I mean, I did go in the side door to avoid the Salvation Army bellringer once, but...”

Harrison laughs shortly. “No! No, nothing like that. It’s sort of like the DMV. But it’s not. Um… it’s just this room that you go to, and the guy in there - Mort, you’ll like him, really - he looks at everything you’ve done during your life and he assigns you a position. I was always friendly and good with people, so he assigned me to be a psychopo-guide. Guide. I forgot, psychopomp is kind of a big word.”

“I always thought that when I died I went right to Heaven and St. Peter stood there at the gates,” you say.

“And he had a clipboard and checked things off of it?”

“Yeah!”

Harrison laughs. “Common misconception, I’m afraid, and far from the truth.”

“So you’re telling me St. Peter is actually a dude named Mort?”

“I… sort of. Only St. Peter decided whether or not you got into Heaven, never gave you a clue what you were supposed to do when you got there. Mort actually gives you something to do. Hey, maybe you’ll be a guide like me.”

You ponder it for a moment. “Maybe. I always did like meeting new people.”

The two of you walk in silence for a long time. But, you notice, it’s not that kind of eerie silence that you think you need to fill with idle chit-chat. It’s a comfortable silence, like when you’re with someone you’ve known forever. You don’t need to fill that type of silence; it’s the kind that feels safe, comforting.

Just having someone with you is all you really need. It makes the journey seems less scary, less dreadful. You’re actually looking forward to what’s on the other side.

“So it was your best friend’s birthday, yeah?” Harrison asks.

You nod. “Yep. And I was named the designated driver because I was just getting over a sinus infection but was still on antibiotics. Really don’t want to mix those with alcohol.”

“Yeah, I learned that one the hard way once. How long were you friends?”

“Since we were eight. I’m going to miss her.”

“I miss my best friend,” Harrison says wistfully. “His name’s Tom, we’ve been friends since we were fifteen. He was the sort of mate that’d drop anything to help you. You know how everyone needs a hype man? Tom was mine.”

“Hannah was mine too,” you reply. “Do you think I’ll see her again someday?”

“I think so,” Harrison answers. “We all meet up with our loved ones sometime or another. I got to see my granddad not long ago. I do this, yeah, but we also have time to be with our loved ones. It’s a good balance.”

You’re comforted by that.

As the two of you walk, you steal the occasional glance at him. Maybe, if you two were still living, you’d date him. He seems your type - friendly, a little goofy, tall (but not too tall) and handsome.

“Did you have any pets?” he asks.

“A cat named Steve. He passed away a few years ago, do-”

“You will probably get to see him again, yes. Pets end up here too, I had a dog named… wait, Steve?”

“Steven Grant Meowgers. I thought it’d be a funny name for a cat. I was actually looking at adopting a puppy, I even had names picked out. Bark Ruffalo for a boy, Kelly Barkson for a girl. Anyway, your dog?”

“Right, Monty. He was the best dog, I miss him too. I think he’s with my sister right now, but one day I’ll get to see him again.”

“Will I get to see you again?”

Harrison smiles softly at you. “Maybe. There’s not really dating up here - at least, not like there was on Earth - but the concept of soulmates follows you up here. If you didn’t find them on Earth, you’ll find them here.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t know, exactly. You almost never find out your first day, though. And you definitely don’t find out before you even get there. But… but maybe you’re mine.”

“I could think of worse soulmates.” You wink at him as he pretends to look wounded; the two of you soon dissolve into giggles.

You walk on for another long while. You ponder what a weird turn your day has taken. You woke up this morning, alive and well, ready to celebrate your friend’s birthday.

Now, you’re dead, with no idea what you’ll be doing in the afterlife, your eternal fate resting in the hands of a guy named Mort.

But you have a guide - who might be your soulmate? You don’t know.

It’s all a lot to comprehend.

But somehow, you’re not feeling the least bit overwhelmed by any of it.

You do know that having Harrison with you is a big help. You feel comforted, reassured, like maybe this isn’t so bad.

When you were alive, the thought of dying, the thought of this, terrified you to no end. What would happen to you? Where would you go, what would you do?

You’re here, though, you’re dead… and it’s okay. It’s really okay.

“Well… here we are.”

You look up at the doorway. You’d heard so much about the so-called “pearly gates.” This door, like everything else, was white; only this had a shimmery, iridescent hue. Almost… like a pearl.

“Mort’s expecting you,” Harrison says quietly. “I’m going to go and visit with my granddad for awhile, but I will see you soon I hope.”

“I hope so too.” You smile at him. “Hey, um… thank you.”

“For what?”

“For all your help. For making this not seem so scary and terrible. For being here. I’ve been dead for less than a day and I’ve already made a friend.”

Harrison returns your smile with a bright one of his own. “I’m glad I was able to help you. See you around?”

“Yeah. Hey, um… can I have a hug?”

Wordlessly, Harrison folds you into his arms; you wrap yours around his waist. You’ve hugged people before, and you’ve been hugged before, but this feels different. Warming, calming, not like any other hug you’ve ever had.

You never want it to end. You could think of worse fates than getting to hug a cute boy for all eternity.

“I guess I’d better get in there,” you say as you finally pull away. “See what ol’ Mort has planned for me.”

“I should leave you to it. Talk to you soon.” Harrison flashes you one last grin before starting the long trek back down the hallway.

Holding your head up confidently, you open the door and step inside to determine your fate.

[sweetcatmintea]

A Stranger’s Solution

Here’s the second story that the flash fiction prompt inspired! A second continuation of the story I said was a one shot that would not be continued. <.<;; I hope you enjoy your time with the stranger and the kid! Feedback is appreciated ^u^

Prompt: House of Stars

Words: 1431

Original story: here

First continuation: here

----------

          Three months in the nightmares start. I don’t know what triggered them. I doubt he does either. There’s been no word that we’re close to detection or anything like that. Fires, floods, goblin hordes. Like clockwork, I set him down to sleep, read whatever story he requests until he nods of, then I revel in the childless peace I’ve long since been without. An hour later and he’s calling for me, huddled in the corner of his bed. ‘There’s something in my closet!’ There isn’t. I check anyway. ‘It’s under the bed!’ There’s no room. I check anyway. ‘It’s tapping on the window!’ There’s only a branch. I pull the curtains shut. A thousand ghosts send him crawling into my bed for safe haven until the morning can rescue him. It’s hard. I want to yell at him. Tell him there’s nothing there and to sleep in his own bed. Children are uncomfortable to sleep with at the best of times, but most don’t have nubby horns that dig into your armpit or leathery wings slapping you awake the moment you manage to drift off. I want to tell him he’s old enough to sleep alone. But, at the same time, I was him once. Paralysed the instant the lights went out. Now, nothing irks me quite like an unnecessary light blasting through the darkness. Probably a work thing. Maybe it’s just more peaceful under the moon’s illumination? It doesn’t matter. I’m getting off track. After five nightly interruptions in a row, I’m at my wits end. Whether it likes it or not, I’m solving this problem. Now.

          I boot up the old car, wait for it to sputter to life, and leave. I’ll have to get under the hood later and quiet her down again. Motor coughing isn’t exactly inconspicuous. The kid’s fine. He’s got enough building bricks to keep him entertained until I get back. There’s a particular shop I’m looking for. When I was young, my grandmother did something for me to give me courage in the dark. Maybe it’ll work for him. At this rate, I’m willing to try just about anything.

          ~~~

          An hour later, I toss the purchase onto the dented wooden dining table. “Super Ninja Man, come help me with this.” ‘Kay’ and scrambling, then he’s at my side.

          “We’re putting these stars up. I’m going to teach you about the constellations.”

          He plucks one of the plastic packets from the mountain of clones, holding it up to his face, scrutinizing the yellowish shapes. Inspection over, the tufted end of his tail quivers slightly. Excitement. “Do these glow in the dark?”

          I think this’ll work. “Yep.” They’ve been hexed to glow regardless of prior exposure. If you’re gonna do something, and all that.

          “There are lots of them.” He smooths the mountain, spreading the packets across the table.

          “I told you. We’re making constellations. They take a lot of stars. Do you remember where the step ladder is? Good. Go grab it for me. If it’s too heavy, don’t try to carry it, just let me know.”

          He races off. I scan through the book I bought. Although I could recognise most of the major clusters and know a good chunk of the stories, I want to do this properly. I’m not raising an idiot.

          There’s some scuffling and clattering as he returns, eager to start. I decide not to mention the number of times I heard him drop the ladder. He’s pretty proud of himself and it’s not like I leave anything breakable at child height. I’m not a moron. I hand him the book as we head to the hallway. It’s a good a place as any to start.

          “Do you know any of the stories about the stars?”

          He shakes his head. From scratch then.

          “Okay. So basically, there are stories about each constellation and some people thing that they’re the uh, embodiment, I guess, of different gods. There’s a star for every person wh-” a quick amendment at his fallen face, “every person and animal, who passed away. They go and live back with the god who looked after them the most.” I begin tacking stars to the ceiling. He holds onto my calve, an attempt to keep me steady. It’s disgustingly cute. He has as serious an expression as a kid can muster.

          “Uh, souls are mostly made up of stardust already because everyone and everything came from the same place.” Or something. It’s always been a bit convoluted for me.

          “Like the big bang?”

          “Sure. Sounds right. So yeah, different constellations are different gods. They all look after different things and have their own responsibilities. Sometimes they work together and sometimes they don’t. This one here,” I nod to the half-formed constellation taking shape above us, “is Fernweh. They are god of safe travel and rest. It’s supposed to look kind of like a bison? See, these stars mark out their hooves, and these little ones are their horns. Their face is here(ish).”

          “It looks like a turtle with pigtails to me…” He tilts his head, trying to see what I see.

          “The book outlines it better. Whatever works for you is fine though. Fernweh will look over you when you need to get some water or something at night. They will keep you safe on your trip. That’s their job.”

          “Does that mean I can do stuff when you’re asleep?”

          “Absolutely not. Your bed time is the same. They’re for if you’re thirsty, or whatever.”

          “Laaame.”

          “That’s life, buddy.”

          ~~~

          We go through the house, attaching replica gods wherever we think they’ll fit. Pateis, guardian of harvested food, was stuck above the fridge. Nes, the god of magic, majic? … Maejyk? The hex god. They watch over my grandmother’s ancient bookcase. One at a time, my house is filled with stars.

          About half and hour through, the kid asks if I believe in all this. It’s hard to say exactly. I don’t not believe in it, but I’m not a devout follower either. I take him to the herb pantry, where we’ve affixed Haerfest, god of growth and plants. There is a star there that is not in the book. He noticed when I put it up but didn’t say anything. I think he’s waiting for me to finish to point out the mistake. Cheeky brat.

          “When my grandmother passed away, I was very…”

          “Sad?”

          “… yeah. I was very sad. I felt like I had lost her forever, which made me feel lost as well.”

          “You really loved your Gammy, hey?”

          “Yeah, I did. I still do, even though she’s not here now. This star here? I like to think this one is Gran. She’s helping Haerfest with everyone’s gardens. So, I don’t know if these stories are true, but I like to believe that’s were our loved ones go when they leave.”

          He’s quiet, thoughtful, for a moment. It’s a big topic for his little brain to process. “Yep. I think your Grammy is a star now too. She’s how come you can grow stuff, because the books say you need lots of help.”

          Hey. I tussle his hair, swiping it over his eyes. “That’s enough talking back to work.”

          ~~~

          We save his room for last. Mostly to give him a chance to look through the guidebook and decide on his guardian. I suggest Labai, goddess of children and vengeance. She’s represented by a lion from the elemental fire nebula, guarding the world’s children. She nurtures then and helps them grow safely with the fierce fighting spirit of a true mother. She is a force to be reckoned with. That should be comforting if he wakes up from a nightmare. To my surprise, he rejects the idea, opting instead for a smaller subset of Labai’s domain. Estracynn, minor god of intervention and kindness. According to the book, they enable and protect necessary interventions in the pursuit of kindness. Some of these are incredibly specific. Probably why there’s so many of them. I shoot the kid a quizzical look. Why them over Labai? He gives an embarrassed wiggle. I raise a brow.

          “Well, I think, Extrasing is a bit of a lot like you, so I think that’s a good choice for my room… They won’t let the monsters get me…”

          Welp, there goes my heart. Disgustingly cute. I let him place the stars himself, lifting him so he can reach. My arms are going to hate me tomorrow. But, if, just this once, I’m honest, I think that’s an easy payment for his smile.

----------

Tag list

@cawolters, @tayluinwrites, @inkovert, @snobbysnekboi, @kainablue, and @i-rove-rock-n-roll

[rontra]

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

i really like mwot and was wondering, do you wanna talk/loredump/etc about mwot during this blessed month of pride? (if not that's totally cool!!! i really like the au and am curious about it!)

REPLY:

YES!!!!

umineko spoilers below and LONG POST KSDJDKSKD i really went infodumping......you got me right in an infodumping mood....

also im being very casual in this post so if something is like weird or vague its probably because i got tired of thinking about it and skipped ahead. SKJDSJD

mwot is an umi au and its very gay and very trans because i, a gay trans, decided it was TIME to INDULGE

LIKE A MOUNTAIN WIND FALLING ON OAK TREES also known as MWOT, MW/OT, Mountain Wind + Oak Trees, MW+OT, or literally any combination of its parts, is an eva/natsuhi au, set in a vague modern big city setting

https://rontra.tumblr.com/tagged/mountain-wind-oak-trees

it’s a comedy, mostly? it has elements of backstory transphobia and  stuff like that but that’s not really the story i want to tell with it, so  i don’t go too deeply into it in the main fic. it’s mostly comedy and Self Care: The  Story (once these nerds get around to acknowledging that self care is  good, anyway!!!!)  

Eva is 20, nb lesbian (though she doesnt know half of it to begin with). generally a bitchard at the beginning but also deeply craving that Validation. Invested in making the fic harder to write due to pronoun shenanigans (shoutout to the lengthy section of intimate emotional scenes that uses no pronouns at all for eva but is narrated by them in 3rd person)

Natsuhi is like 21 i guess because im a sucker for her having like an annoying 1-3 years on eva bc eva would get mad about it. Also she’s trans, gray-ace, hopeless romantic, generally full of “quickly raising your eyebrows and looking away while sipping your drink and thinking Yikes” energy. weaponizes indifference but is no stranger to harder means. she’s a smart cookie

Sayo is also 20, gender clown car living her best life. Presents differently depending on mood and whim

krauss is like 22 or whatever. for housekeeping’s sake, rosa and rudolf are too young to matter (8 and 10, or something like that). dont even worry about it

honestly the weirdest part of the au is eva and sayo being the same age

also this au is the origin point of me & my friends using akikaze as nat’s maiden name. the more you know!

-

USHIROMIYA GOLD dishes up that yellow metal like you wouldn’t believe. led by kinzo whos so fuckin good at sniffing out that sweet sweet gold people are half convinced the man has psychic powers. Any piece of land he’s got his eyes on, he WILL get his hands on, no matter who owns it right now.

the land kinzo wants At The Moment is owned by the AKIKAZE FAMILY who have been notably on the decline recently. they’re in the economic shithole so this land is basically all they’ve got right now, so when kinzo wants it and it suddenly Has Value, they’re like “oh, shit,

anyway the deal basically shakes out that like, he gets the land and all the gold that may or may not be in it. he offers his eldest son in exchange for this land, to marry their daughter: in the bonds of marriage graciously ensuring a part of the winnings will spill over on them, while keeping them under his control without money coming into the picture.

Everything’s working out great and coming up kinzo. the deal is closed and everyone’s happy (i guess). until ONE DAY, just a few narrow weeks before the akikaze girl is set to move in with the ushiromiyas,

KINZOS

OLDEST

SON

DISAPPEARS

!!!!!

Krauss dislikes being told what to do, and his father’s ideals never lined up with his own. He thinks this entire thing is sort of fucked up and can’t live under his dad’s thumb anymore. That's why, immediately following Kinzo’s agreement with the Akikaze family, Krauss disappears. He’s just kinda left for greener pastures, to unfold his own life and pursue his own interests independent of the Ushiromiya name. He leaves behind a letter explaining it & basically he forfeits both name and inheritance, and Kinzo’s incredible deal is suddenly in jeopardy.....

obviously this is kinzo though, and all of his solutions are like, 20 times more complicated than they have to be? he’s DETERMINED to have this land so he’s like “i need an eldest son. shit rudolf is only like 9. fuck. well okay i have an eldest daughter with a deeply complicated need for validation and success entirely driven by her overall neglect at my hands“ and the rest. as they say. is history (???)

Ushiromiya Eva always saw Krauss as unworthy of the inheritance, and to her, his disappearance confirms this. She grew up always being made to feel inferior to her older brother, usually being ignored in favor of him, and it's bred a complex need for validation in her. Her values and strengths are more like Kinzo’s than her brother’s, and Kinzo recognizes this in the wake of Krauss’ disappearance.

basically he concocts this really wild scheme where eva has to pretend to be his oldest son and marry this girl or whatever so he can seal this stupid gold deal and she’s like “well lol if i get to be family heir” and hes like “yes that’s what im saying” and shes like “awesome let’s do it”

all of the servants are in on it too of course. specifically kinzo enlists SAYO who works there as normal staff and isn’t otherwise tangled into this family’s mess in any way whatsoever. she’s just here to serve tea and looks. anyway he’s like “you work on this with eva--i mean evan, my son, you must have misheard--and eva you have to listen to whatever yasuda says” and eva is like “that last part will not be frustrating for me at all”.

Yasuda as reigning Household Gender Presentation Expert is like “i think i just got orders from the master to bully eva?” and eva is like “i wish i could fire you but my dad just banned me from doing that” and then gradually...over the course of the project......they become....friends.........

(the au is tagged eva & sayo for a reason. they become FRIENDS!!)

mostly its just various combinations of shkanon dunking on eva and its all VERY good.

during all these shenanigans we make some startling realizations like “gender euphoria is a hell of a drug” and stuff, which is extremely harrowing for everyone (note: not for everyone. just for eva, who makes 10,000 realizations every day, and should not have been counted.)

(ok sidenote did anyone else put on their first binder & go like “hmmm. i live here now” because. mood. im projecting entirely into this fic)

Gender Clown Car yasuda (currently as lion) is like “you know there’s like more than 2 genders” and eva’s like “you fucking wehat”.

i also make a REALLY INVOLVED JOKE ABOUT CASTIGLIONI GOLD, THE RIVAL COMPANY, and how BEATRICE’S KID LOOKS A LOT LIKE LION, and EVERYONE thinks this is all VERY funny

(i would like to see it. also kinzo owes beatrice castiglioni $20 and she’s never let him forget it.)

now wrapped up in this stupid impostor scheme AND full of big wild nonbinary energy AND!! WITH AN INFURIATING NEW FRIEND!! IN THE STAFF!!! this one funky ushiromiya is all ready to get in on an arranged marriage or whatever. provided NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT that they’re faking it and replacing the Actual Heir, which would no doubt ruin the scheme AND bring kinzo’s wrath on everybody involved, of course.

-

AKIKAZE NATSUHI IS READY TO PUNCH HER FIANCE IN THE THROAT IF HE EVEN LOOKS AT HER but she understands what’s happening here. she knows she didn’t have a say in this from the very beginning. that the deal was sealed for her as soon as the name “ushiromiya” was said. she knows her family married her off quick in a bid to get rid of her. if she’s humiliated by this ordeal, she is far too proud to show it. she packs her bags and walks into the mansion with her head held high........and immediately has this exchange with her fiance

and this one

so that’s kind of the energy we’re going for with these two.

(natsuhi’s line in the second cap was going to be removed for being Way Too Intense, but everyone i talked to said it was too hot to cut, so i decided to indulge us all. blame the lesbians)

they IMMEDIATELY don’t get along but they kinda agree to like, mind their business, since neither of them are interested in playing house here. if they can get the wedding to go off without a hitch they can basically go back to never talking to each other again.

natsuhi’s entire angle here is essentially: her family was not that good, and this family likely won’t be better, BUT here she has a chance to build something new for herself. she’ll be out of her parents’ house. She needs this deal to stay for her own sake, but she has to get out ahead of her husband and set up a dynamic that favors her. when she meets evan she essentially gauges the kind of person she’s dealing with and picks her approach accordingly: this is not a soft man, and she has to be hard in turn to avoid being steamrolled.

and its VERY hot

anyway some stuff happens and it eventually they both sorta get each other’s secrets. eva is not the firstborn son and natsuhi is not the card kinzo thought he was pulling from her family’s hand and theyre both toast if word hits the public. directly after the wedding they establish a tense alliance of keeping each others’ secrets....

and then they.....fall...in l

there’s some fun tensions and realizations. eva is like “so im quickly catching on that no praise i ever received from dad was on my own merit and he’s kind of a dirtbag all around and his validation is kind of not worth it” and nat is like “word our parents are chains” & they run kinzo over with the down w cis bus. it’s fine. they get postcards from krauss sometimes. he has a motorbike now.

DID I MENTION THE PRACTICE KISSING

BC THEY HAVE TO PRACTICE! FOR THE!! PUBLIC WEDDING!!!!

and thats mwot i guess. it’s my au where natsuhi’s accent color is red and some other stuff happens too. happy pride month

[almstrsndsfris-blog]

Beach Holidays in Kenya What You Should Know

Making a trip to any holiday destination in the world with youngsters will be challenging, particularly if your core focus is to rejuvenate. This should not nonetheless be an issue for those who select a seashore that's family-pleasant like Diani at the South coast of Mombasa city in Kenya. There are completely different actions that visiting youngsters can have interaction in because the dad and mom get on a regular basis to unwind and enjoy their time.

Most mother and father on vacation with their kids normally fear about the security of the youngsters, which is guaranteed in Diani even when you find yourself not keeping track of them. With expert youngsters attendants and entertainers, your children's security is assured as they're stored engaged as long as you might deem acceptable. Swimming in the Indian Ocean has proven to be probably the most fulfilling actions for youths. Those who are yet to grasp the art are educated and supplied specialized attention. Moreover, the water on the seaside aspect is shallow and the coral reefs checks violent waves. Alternatively, they'll use the swimming pools, most lodges and resorts supply these facilities at no further price.

Many of the actions and video games for children are designed to suit specific ages. Enjoying with the pristine white sand, making creative and creative things of their very own selections and interests is among the most beneficial for youngsters below 5 the place they use their very own palms and a few basic sticks. Additionally, the kids can engage in treasure hunting and a reward is given to the kid who ultimately finds the treasure, which might be things like seashells or some rare rocks. In case your youngsters love hide and seek, they sure will love this recreation while in Diani.

Children are also asked to make buildings of their very own decisions like vehicles or boasts. They will use the sand to do this. As a lot as they are kept busy, their creativity can also be enhanced to make sure that they grasp widespread ideas nicely. They could even be asked to carry out some tasks in teams to boost their team spirit and admire group working.

Lastly, to those who love animals, a ride on a camel will definitely thrill them, particularly if it is their very first time to see the animal, depart alone being provided a trip on its back. Other Diani beach games like volleyball are also Beach Holidays in Kenya out there and to contain the youngsters extra, generally, the kids decide the actions for themselves. This way, your youngsters get the attention they need and deserve as mum and dad get all the time to enjoy the vacation in fashion.

When you've got been discovering it somewhat troublesome to decide between taking a soothing and indulging beach vacation or going wild and adventurous on a safari journey, then let me make that decision very easy for you, as there's nothing to cease you from combining the two. The truth is, the tourism trade in wild and delightful places like Kenya has developed Almasi Tours & Safaris over time with a rising development towards providing twin-centre bundle holidays to Kenya, where vacationers get the most effective of each worlds: the wilderness and the seashore. With extra vacationers considering visiting Africa, the mixture of those two elements makes such a holiday one that you'll never forget for the remainder of your life.

So, to start with, for those who're enthusiastic about taking twin-centre or multi-centre Kenya holidays you'll want to be staying in a nice resort mendacity on the shores of the Indian Ocean, in Mombassa, Kenya's second most vital metropolis. That is the place you might nicely decide to spend the first a part of your Click here for Social Profile vacation and there are a good number of beautiful beachfront hotel properties to choose properties on this space. Many offer handy all-inclusive packages and the standard of the quality of meals and service at these resorts is commonly greater than what you may find in lots of different worldwide destinations.

Then for the second half or the trip (or when you choose you can make it the first, it's completely as much as and how you wish to construct your Kenya vacation), it is time to enjoy a memorable Kenyan safari and there are actually some national parks positioned very close to Mombassa, so you will not should journey a great distance from the seashore to enjoy the wildest of sceneries. These national preserves embrace Tsavo West, Tsavo East and Aruba Dam, a very fashionable place to go to in case you are eager to spot as many indigenous species of animals to this part of the world as doable. It's at all times advisable to book a good safari which is fully escorted by knowledgeable and extremely-educated guide. You by no means fairly know what can be around the corner out within the bush and a guide will give you a significantly better probability of spotting the famous 'Massive 5' (buffalo, leopard, elephant, lion and rhinoceros.

Nothing can actually prepare you for what Kenya to offer. Rolling plains, plentiful wildlife and beautiful beach holidays make for excellent safari and seaside holidays. Kenya has an extended established safari vacation market and you can be rest assured that what Kenya does no find out about safaris shouldn't be value understanding.

Some of the spectacular sights to witness is the annual Wildebeest Migration in the Masai Mara Nationwide Park. That is when 1000's of Wildebeest make the treacherous journey south to Tanzania in the hunt for richer food sources and to have their young. It's a nice and historical journey and one which many will not return from. One of the best time to visit the Masai Mara is from July to Mid-August when the Wildebeest cross the Mara River. September is also a very good month as tens of millions of Wildebeest decent the plains of the Masai.

Many safaris embody the Masai Mara Nationwide Park in their itinerary and it's simple to see why. As well as the Wildebeest the Masai Mara is house to Elephants, Buffalo, Leopard, Lions and the extraordinarily uncommon Black Rhino. Cheetahs have a repute for climbing on safari automobiles and stand up close and personal with its occupants. Chicken lovers are also in for a treat. The Masai Mara is residence to the Kori Buzzard, the world's heaviest flying hen, in addition to Vultures, Storks, and 9 forms of Sunbird.

Africa probably does not spring to mind as the primary destination you'll choose when planning a seashore vacation, however there are a lot of great causes to give it a attempt. Cape Town in South Africa has up till recently always been "the" destination to go to when you wished to go to Africa and benefit from the seashore in addition to all the other great things that solely this nice continent has to offer. Now there are new kids on the block and locations like Zanzibar off the coast of Tanzania, Mombasa in Kenya and The Gambia have really come in to their very own each offering their very own unique promoting factors and flavour of Africa however all nice beach vacation locations.

One of the more apparent causes to select someplace on the African continent is to enjoy the seaside in the course of the European winter, breaking up your winter and escaping the summer time holiday rush. How usually as of late will we hear of strikes at airports throughout the summer time peak vacation period, delaying thousands and thousands of holidaymakers and destroying their few weeks away from work? Escape the rush and journey out of the peak season.

Cape City in South Africa remains to be essentially the most refined beach vacation vacation spot in Africa, with the unbelievable backdrop of Desk Mountain, wonderful accommodation options and a number of the best restaurants in the world it might be a wonderful place to visit even without the seashore. On prime of which you can additionally take pleasure in the best wines and scenery of South Africa on the Backyard Route, which stretches from Mossel Bay to the Storms River within the Western Cape.

There are ten nature reserves in the area in addition to unique marine reserves, home to comfortable coral reefs, dolphins, seals and a bunch of different marine life.

Combing golf with a seashore holiday has all the time been fashionable in places like Spain and Portugal, South Africa and the Cape Region have a number of the greatest Golf programs on this planet, now you may mix a beach, golf and safari vacation, there is nowhere in Europe that may boast that!

What concerning the beaches? Cape Town has some wonderful beaches, False Bay with the lengthy sandy seashore which extends from Gordon's Bay to Muizenberg and consists of Boulders Beach and Simon's Town. The Atlantic Seaboard along the West (Atlantic) side Read our Blog Here of the Cape Peninsula with well known seashores including Sandy Bay, Clifton Camps Bay, Scarborough and Kommetjie. The West Coast, running Northwards from Cape City with the windy circumstances make these seashores standard for browsing and kite-surfing.

An vital level to notice is the sea in False Bay is about 6 degrees https://almasitoursandsafaris.com/ hotter than the Atlantic Seaboard and the West Coast!

On the down side, Cape City is the furthest level in Africa you'll be able to travel to from Europe, so expect a protracted flight as talked Wikipedia Here about above the water is usually a little chilly after which it is in all probability one of the costlier destinations in Africa.

Kenya, in all probability best recognized for it's wildlife safaris on the Masai Mara but also has loads to offer in the way in which of beach holidays on the shoreline near Mombasa. Town of Mombasa is a "real" bustling African metropolis and there is in stark distinction to the sophistication of Cape City. There are however many nice locations to eat to sample some extra traditional African food as well as those catering to western palates. The Outdated city is also well price visiting and Fort Jesus, a Portuguese fort built in 1593 by order of King Philip II of Spain, to protect the Outdated Port of Mombasa, Kenya. It was built in the shape of a man and was given the identify of Jesus as a non secular reference.

[minecraft]

Let me just start this out by saying, if you’re looking for a relaxing escape, going out to a forest that isn’t a national park with good staff isn’t at all a good idea. At all. Now then.. If you’re in the woods - I mean, really in the woods. Off the usual trail for whatever reason, the kind of thing where you haven't seen another human being in 4 hours time or more... ....and you hear what sounds sort of like a woman screaming. That’s not a woman, that’s a mountain lion. Stay away. ....and you find a cave entrance that isn’t marked on your map, even if your map is outdated. Don’t enter it! Caves are naturally dangerous anyways. ....You see 2 or more white vans parked somewhere where there doesn’t seem to be anything, engines still revving. Military, basically. Mundane, but you should leave immediately. There might be landmines between you and the cars, also. ....and you suddenly feel hungry. Eat only what you are sure you brought with you. Don’t eat or touch any berries, flowers, mushrooms, moss, etc dangling from any trees. Don’t take out your knife no matter what you do or how convenient it may seem. ....and you suddenly see someone who is facing away from you. Don’t approach them or talk to them. Don’t listen to them either. ....You see an orb of light or Deer/Elk walking past you, as if showing itself to you. Drink water immediately, as you may be dehydrated without knowing it. I don’t advise you follow it, but if you’re feeling very brave, you may follow it at a respectable distance safely. Though you may not like what it has to show you. If you follow it too fast or get too close it will disappear, as it takes this as a sign of disrespect/unworthiness. ....and you suddenly get this odd sensation of being watched: Ignore it, don’t look behind you, just try to act normal and immediately use radio or whatever means of communication you have to the outside world. If it works you have to call someone and talk to them casually. Keep talking until the feeling goes away. If they’re someone you know, the better, and if you tell them about this and you tell them you’re in the woods, even better.                 ...If you’re out of range/no signal/etc: Return to the nearest marked trail, or at least try to.                 ...If you can’t find the trail or any bearings you recognize. Don’t panic. Try flares, maybe. Take out your compass and head northeast. If the compass isn’t working... well... all I can say is good luck. ....and you see someone who is facing you, and approaching you at a constant pace in a straight line. If you have a smartphone, start taking a video of them. If they don’t stop, put away your smartphone and walk briskly away from them. This is going to be very controversial, but if you have any way to start a fire between you and them, do so. Radio won’t help here, but if you keep briskly and confidently walking away they might give up. ....and you hear what sounds like a baby crying. That’s not a baby... Stay away. ....and you suddenly find yourself surrounded by smoke, even though there’s no fire. Cover your mouth with any type of cloth you have on hand and wet it with water immediately. Don’t breathe it in at all if you can help it. Don’t listen to anything unusual you may hear. Don’t shout. Look down at your feet, watch where you step, and turn back immediately. ....and out of nowhere a mysterious beautiful woman or kid is playing/flirting in front of you just out of the distance you think you could talk to them. They’re not human, and they’re trying to lead you astray. Don’t follow them. ....and you see odd structures that are out-of-place. Discontinue looking at them. Don’t get near them or touch them. Don’t interact with them. This applies to bodies of water too. Don’t drink from them however tempting it may be. That covers most things, but seriously... just have common sense. Always bring lots of food and water and tell multiple people where you’re going and how long you plan to be out before you’re back. Stay on the trails. Don’t go alone if you can help it. And don’t take prepubescents into the woods at all.