#basically one of the versions of sephiroth is the good guy and trying to stop the other version of him by injecting into his past self

[hollow-vergil]

Sephiroth: "Stay strong. You can save everyone. You can become a real hero."

[tossawary]

Thinking about a form of Role Reversal AU (more of a Canon Divergence AU with a few backstory Universe Alterations) for "Final Fantasy 7", which I frankly don't know quite enough about to work out all the details perfectly but find compelling to think about nevertheless! I like to pick a few elements to do a reversal on in these AUs, but try to keep certain backstory elements intact for characterization purposes.

I think it would be fun to make Cloud Strife the star SOLDIER of the SHINRA company, but keep his country boy origins. So, he's older than he is in canon by about 10+ years or so. SHINRA came to Nibelheim for some of their human experimentation projects (earlier days of the company, the reputation wasn't quite so bad yet) and Cloud signed up WAY too young, out of a desire to prove himself and maybe for money for his mother. He went through some HEAVY shit to be augmented (multiple teenage years in a mako tank, perhaps?), but he still had an ordinary childhood before that.

While the country boy backstory and cool General Strife persona is VERY popular (thanks to SHINRA PR), Cloud is NOT as cooperative in some of SHINRA's ventures as the company would like. Cloud has still been forced into some shit he's not proud of, he's being ground down by some of the corporate and political forces around him, but he has disagreed with and disobeyed orders before. There's serious tension in the company due to this.

Which is not helped by the fact that "General Cloud Strife, SOLDIER First Class" is backed up by two other First Class SOLDIERs: Tifa Lockhart and Aerith Gast.

(I imagined Tifa and Aerith as Angeal and Genesis and nearly swooned. There is absolutely a public love triangle debate being fueled by Midgar tabloids: "Team Tifa or Team Aerith???" Some people don't like the idea of stupid relationship drama being on the frontlines of a military campaign, but SHINRA pumps it up as a shiny distraction from their colonial capitalist bullshit. There have been fist fights over love triangle shipping by fans.)

Tifa signed on to the Nibelheim experiments in some sneaky way, without parental permission, and then it was too late to stop her. She can rip tanks apart with her bare hands and has done so. She is SO buff. SHINRA hasn't cottoned on to the fact that Tifa is the one pulling Cloud away from the company's corruption and was the first one to start actively working against SHINRA, rather than Tifa just being Cloud's follower. (Cloud is possibly having major memory issues due to various mako experiments.)

Aerith (is still an Ancient? and) was basically born into the company and never escaped. She could be an orphan or her parents could have survived, but they're hostages or they've been twisted by the company. Maybe Ilfana died and Gast (working closely with Jenova materials) became obsessed with finding the Promised Land to reunite with his wife. Either way, Aerith got shoved into the SOLDIER program. (Maybe her would-be adoptive mother is hanging around as a SHINRA employee trying to show some care for Aerith.)

Aerith is meant to lead them all to the Promised Land someday and her magic is TERRIFYING, but Cloud is the General because SHINRA has sexist views against women and Aerith's bubbly persona in charge of the army freaks people and the public the fuck out. Aerith is more than a little burnt out and jaded, after so long, but she's good at not showing it.

The point here is not necessarily to make these characters into "the bad guys" but to play with the moral mess that already exists in the game for many characters. This Role Reversal could follow Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith as the protagonists still, as they meet up with alternate versions of friends and enemies, and struggle to do good after doing bad. Alternatively, the story could follow Sephiroth as the protagonist!

Sephiroth is still Professor Hojo's experiment from birth, quite a bit younger than these other SOLDIERs First Class, and if he's a member of SHINRA, he's viewed internally as something of a lab-grown freak. Unnatural. Artificial. Other SOLDIERs don't like the idea that SHINRA is just going to grow their own replacement warriors instead of investing in "real people".

Option 1) for Sephiroth's story path here is that SHINRA wanted someone better at following orders. A teenage Sephiroth (and Genesis and Angeal?) becomes the replacement General when Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith turn against the company. If Cloud is the protagonist of this AU, Sephiroth is still an antagonist, and Cloud really doesn't want to have to kill this manipulated and abused kid created to be his replacement. If Sephiroth is the protagonist, he's struggling against the company who now wants him to kill the person he's secretly always viewed as his hero rather than a rival, even though it seems like Cloud has turned against SHINRA for good reasons.

Option 2a) is that Hojo is working for someone else who wanted their own SOLDIERs to fight SHINRA, possibly the earlier AVALANCHE. Hojo is probably a former SHINRA employee and has some sort of personal vendetta against Professor Gast for getting him kicked out of the company or something.

Option 2b) Hojo is still a former SHINRA employee, probably with some stolen fragment of Jenova (or maybe even Ilfana?), but he's working against SHINRA because the company is destroying the planet and he LIVES HERE. Hojo is a more rational scientist trying to save the world. Maybe he's working with AVALANCHE, maybe he broke away from them, maybe he's always been more or less working alone! I think he should be accompanied by Lucretia and possibly also by Vincent.

Hojo and Lucretia have gone to extreme (unethical) lengths to produce a secret, new, artificial Ancient to fight SHINRA and heal the world. A man-made "Chosen One". Sephiroth is a kid out of his depth and not good at making friends. Maybe Vincent is hanging around the place as a weird uncle figure to Sephiroth, or maybe Vincent is a relatively unknown figure who haunts their basement, because Vincent was Hojo and Lucretia's first attempt at making a super-powered hero to save the world and it did not go well. At all.

Sephiroth must gather his party and blindly venture forth! This party probably includes Angeal and Genesis in some form.

I don't know where Zack fits into this yet, but he is absolutely not growing flowers in a church, because that is way too close to making him just another version of Aerith instead of an alternate version of Zack. He could be Aerith's secret long distance country boy boyfriend. He could be a SOLDIER partially mentored by Cloud, who moved on to mentor Angeal. In canon, he has connections to many of the characters I've listed above, he's deep in the den of monsters, so maybe a funny reversal would be that Zack isn't a part of SHINRA and doesn't know any of these people. He's some random burly chocobo farmer who finds teenage Sephiroth and party in a tough spot, helps them out, and then gets dragged into a whole bunch of bullshit he DID NOT sign up for. Oh, shit, is he the ADULT in this adventure???

[demonfox38]

Okay. Made it through the last season of Netflix's "Castlevania" interpretation. Thoughts are below the cut.

I've often thought of this series as the exploitation version of "Castlevania," and hiring Malcom McDowell confirms that.

Although, I find it hilarious that both Malcolm McDowell and Patrick Stewart have ended up voicing the same character. I'm sure there's a "Star Trek Generations" joke to be made in there, but I'm not Mike Stoklasa.

Also, I was cracking up a bit when Varney's plot twist happened. Mostly, because it came off a bit Skeletor-esque in vocal performance.

Also, also—laughing that the final boss went the "Castlevania: Lament of Innocence" route despite barely touching on that game's plot.

Animation had its ups and downs with this season. It seemed like there were some frame issues (not enough inbetweening.) I do appreciate how they incorporated more of Alucard's SOTN animations into his fights, however.

Additionally, some of the fight scenes' pacing seemed to have issues, particularly regarding weapon recovery.

The whole bit with St. Germain was off. Like, he's a weird asshole in "Castlevania: Curse of Darkness", but he's more of a weird asshole there in the same way that casually encountering "Doctor Who"'s Doctor would also be strange. Not a straight up villainous boob. Kinda makes sense thematically to have another character who is willing to do horrible shit for their lost loved one, but the series honestly did not do a good job establishing her. Like, did she even have a voice actor? Or a name? All I'm saying is it was much easier for outsiders to get the Lisa revenge thing Dracula had going.

Also, how dare you joke about not being deaf and then have a villainous monologue, TV show.

Greta's a good girl. Well, outside of being an occasional homewrecker. Point is, she's competent and trying her best to save people in a bad situation, and anyone having issues with her is not to be trusted in the same way that you don't trust people who don't like Rochelle from "Left 4 Dead 2."

Look at me. Do not trust people who do not like Rochelle from "Left 4 Dead 2." Yes, her writing could have been better, but she's still a viable character. Let people Thunder Child their ships on the rocks of your better self. Got me?

Also, y'all really need to embrace more polyamory. Or understand the fact that Alucard's not going to love just one person in his life. Dude lives to be at least 600 in the game's timeline. For a dude who loves humans, constricting him to just one who may live to be 100 at best is cruel.

There are some interesting philosophical dialogues going on here, but I can see where some people may lose their patience for them. Considering one of Castlevania's most popular memes is a philosophy debate, you're just gonna have to suck that up. My personal favorites included the topic of acting versus reacting, as well as having agency in one's story.

Striga's battle theme was cool, but otherwise, the music was forgettable. Yes, that is a sin. Punishable by Death? In this series, maybe!

The gore's still over the top. Which, okay, fine. There's a bit of that in game. It's just generally a bit more reserved with it or uses it in crucial boss fights.

RIP doggie.

The Targoviste plot's a bit of a wash, but it doesn't feel as useless as Trevor and Sypha's previous plot predicament. It's just nothing of a surprise, considering how many times the writing has played the "authority figures are useless" and "dark secret surprise" tropes in this series. Like, Greta being reliable is actually more surprising than anything with this plot.

I cannot emphasize enough how boring I found Carmilla's interpretation and plot arc. You guys could have had a giant, naked lesbian riding a skull and spewing magic at people while her cat-eared girlfriend jumped them for extra damage. But no. Vanilla lady with a scarlet sword for you. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Good night.  

Gotta say, as much of a deviation from his source character as he is, Isaac really turned out well in this series. He's definitely evidence that you don't always need to stick to source material.

His Abel is fucking sick, dude. Way to go, king.

Also, I was expecting more violence from Hector this season. Oh, well. At least he got a teeny bit of a spine.

Look. I'm not an alchemist by any means. I'm just a bit baffled by this season's emphasis of obtaining a Rebis. Like, any time the game series has talked about the Magnum Opus of Alchemy, it's more been in pursuit of making a Philosopher's Stone (or at the very least, a Crimson Stone, as seen in "Castlevania: Lament of Innocence.") Pulling a Rebis out of the aether is…well. Could have been more interesting than it was. I mean, it was a bit nightmarish, but it really didn't do much.

Sypha's really never getting back to her family, is she?

Love the idea that the cross subweapon is basically a fancy chakram.

GERGOTH. BUDDY. FRIENDO.

Really appreciating the monster variety in these last two seasons. I mean, that's a big selling point of the "Castlevania" games. Not so much vampires standing around and bickering in dick-waving contests.

Breaking out of the bullet points to hit on the big subject of this season—that is, the ending being surprisingly happy.

There's been a lot of shit that's happened over the last few years. Obviously, a pandemic. Konami's run by pricks. Then, there's the situation with the allegations of sexual coercion with Warren Ellis. Additionally, the terrible ending of "Game of Thrones" likely impacted how this season was developed, considering it seemed to be chasing its progression in construction. (I mean, look at Carmilla and Daenerys.) I don't know how many people were happy with the last season of "Castlevania," but from my POV, it double-tapped itself in the foot with the way it pushed simultaneous sex and violence in its last two episodes. My point is, there was little taste for additional darkness, considering everything that has been happening. Society is drained.

A happy ending was what people really wanted. And man, did this pull through, in that regard. But, there's a conversation to be had in if this swerved too far or if it violates some artistic integrity to give people what they want. So, let's have it.

Look. Man. Have you seen a "Castlevania" ending? When you do it right, it's crumbled castles and rainbow-colored skies. If you do it really right, it results in a pretty girl holding the main character's hand. There is happiness in these games. Hope. Forgiveness and redemption. If this is supposed to be any bit an accurate interpretation of these games, it absolutely should end in such a joyful fashion. (Okay, maybe giving Dracula and Lisa a second honeymoon at the end was a bit much, but I get where people would want that.)

Did some items need to be addressed more? Absolutely. Alucard staking people and Hector getting sexually coerced into servitude are some pretty big topics to just wave away. (Oh, shit. That second part is even worse now with what Ellis was allegedly doing, isn't it?) I suppose I'm just glad the series didn't go full Sephiroth with Alucard. And at least Hector finally took some stand in his situation, even if it wasn't the bombastic, hateful revenge I'm used to seeing from this character in other stories.

I think the creators of this series were trying to save this show from the fate of "Game of Thrones." (To some extent, perhaps the "Voltron" re-interpretation as well.) There's so much media out there anymore that if a production team doesn't nail the ending, their creation gets wiped out of the collective consciousness. To that extent, I think the creators were successful in saving their series. Did it do damage to itself in yanking out of its construction and themes? A bit. But, in doing so, it pivoted back to being more like a proper "Castlevania" product. (And of course, by proper, I mean anything ignoring "Lords of Shadows." God, people need to stop chasing other products when developing "Castlevania" stuff and just let the series be as it is.)

I am very curious as to how much of this season was part of an original draft and how much was revised in backlash to everything that has happened. It doesn't seem like Trevor was intended to survive, but to some extent, Sypha had to. (I mean, until she has a kid, anyway. See "Lords of Shadows" series for dickery regarding that.) I'm also wondering if there was more intended for the Carmilla subplot, as much as the series was banging on about her invading locations. I'm not even sure St. Germain was intended to be a villain all along. Getting into a bitchfight with Death? Sure. Doing what he did here? That's a weird arc, dude.

If you come away from my POV with anything, it should be this: GO PLAY THE GAMES.

Do it. Do it, you ghouls. Go to the Steam store and download the "Castlevania Anniversary Collection." Boot up your PS3 or 4 or 18 or whatever and get "Symphony of the Night." Throttle Nintendo's stores until "Aria of Sorrow" or "Dawn of Sorrow" or "Harmony of Dissonance" or whatever rattles out of their moldy pockets. Find a ROM. Find an ISO. Just play a game. Especially, one of the ones made before 2010.

"Castlevania" as a game series isn't about hordes of vampires dick-waving at each other or edgy swearing or being grim and dark. Some of that stuff's there, sure. But, at its core, it's what game developers created when they looked at Universal Monster Movie creations and went "That's cool. Let's fight that!" It's a series about pushing technology in MMC chips to make rich, vibrant music. It's about flourishing artwork and layers of sprites dripping particles and gore onto players. It's sober and goofy and very pro curry.

The thing is, "Castlevania" players have their own unique connection to the series. We're the weirdos you see clapping their hands when a mutilated dinosaur shows up on screen. It's not because the monster alone is cool. It's that we've fought and struggled and bodied that thing through several floors like a goddamn "X-Men: Children of the Atom" stage. It's kicked our asses. We've kicked its ass. We've got a connection to it that you just don't get from passively watching it barf lasers through a computer monitor or TV screen. Like, you know how people go, "Well, the movie wasn't as good as the book?" It's obnoxious, sure. But, those who read the source materials have to go to the effort of constructing their own sets and people to understand what's happening. In a similar fashion, game players build up their own skill set to reach that next rung.

Maybe you don't always get a payout when you invest your resources into something. But, there is a sense of accomplishment, seeing what you can do.

There's a reason this series got an adaptation. I mean, outside of Konami's head executives wanting easy money. "Castlevania" is a fantastic video game series. Has it got a few problems? Oh yeah. Especially after outsourcing and pachislot machines became all the rage. But, there's a reason Simon and Richter Belmont are playable in "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate." There's a reason I spent a significant amount of time playing these games and writing or drawing fanworks for it. These games are wonderful. Beautiful. Difficult, but inspiring. Reasons I will still bang on about them decades years down the road.

When I get exasperated by layers of angst and edge lord content this Netflix series generated, I want you to know why. The roots of this show are good games held captive under poor management. Some people on staff know this. I wish they had more scenario and writing control. But mostly, I don't want to shit on them or their work. (Well, other than perhaps the obvious target.) I just want you to see what I love in these games.

And also to watch Crashervania. Because that's legit.

[secret-engima]

Okay, now I'm imagining one of the 'verses that Zack-Noctis, Aerith-Luna, and Cloud-Prompto (+Ignis and Gladio) trip into, is an /FF7/ verse. When Cloud was just a cadet and Zack was /even more/ of a hyperactive puppy.

hgfdhgf TOTAL CHAOS.

Adorable Chaos.

Gonna just yet the ff7 timeline into the stratosphere because I Do What I Want for this. But basically this is a Happy Ending AU were Stuff Happened so that Gen never degraded/defected, Angeal never defected, Seph is mentally stable, and while Shinra is still a thing to be dealt with at least nobody is calling down meteors on anything else. Cloud is a little Cadet person who accidentally caught Genesis’s eye and so is not the Poet’s apprentice, and Zack is as hyper as ever.

...

-The five of them trip into the FF7 verse and we’ll make them teenagers and stuff for this, Noctis (15), Luna (19), and Prompto (15) all insta-recognize it and freak. Ignis (17) and Gladio (18) take their cue from the freaking and are very cautious. They don’t ask why the three know so much about this strange place or are so agitated but Ignis is Fussing and Gladio is ready to hit something. Luna softly says hey’ll just- have to avoid “everyone important” and the Astrals will undo this as soon as they can.

-Their luck being what it is, they are somewhere in the slums of Midgar and while killing monsters for gil to stay somewhere that isn’t an alley for the night (WHY DO THE MONSTER BODIES DISAPPEAR Ignis hisses the first time the monster he was inspecting for potential recipe material disappeared into thin air, leaving coins and junk behind), they hear someone else fighting monsters and having Trouble.

-Reacting on their Good Guy instincts, they race around the corner and find a Whopping Freaking Behemoth growling it’s way through a street way too small for it, chasing two someones that Noctis doesn’t really pay attention too in his haste to fling a fireball in the Behemoth’s face to slow it down. The beast slows and Cloud rockets by, his sword a flash of silver light as he hops up the dingy wall and somehow (Nif experimentation strength, adrenaline, and magic) beheads the thing in one massive strike (Gladiolus, watching from the entrance of the street where he’s guarding Ignis, Luna, and the people that Behemoth was chasing, quickly acknowledges his jealousy and lets it go, because Prompto is just Like That).

-Prompto lands on the dead body of the Behemoth and flicks the blood off his blade as he looks around (escaped experiment from the labs he’s betting, and the thought of it makes his blood feel very cold). Noctis nods grimly at him, coming to the same conclusion and reminder.

-Then, from the head of the alley, someone breathes, “That, was ... SO COOL.”

-Prompto, looking over Noctis’s head from his perch, goes dead white. Noctis knows what he’s going to see the moment he turns around but somehow can’t stop himself from looking anyway.

-Bright-faced and energetic, innocent in a way Noctis has never been able to fully pull off, is one SOLDIER Second Class Zack Fair, staring at the two of them with hero worship in his eyes as he dusts himself off and bounds past a startled Gladio to all but vibrate in front of Noctis and Prompto, “How’d you do that? You just- WHOOSH and SHING and it was DEAD. I didn’t think anyone but a SOLDIER First could do that!”

-While Noctis tries to wrap his head around himself (had he really been that hyper? No wonder Angeal called him Puppy), Prompto blinks past Zack (ghost ghost bloody-tired-ghost-rain-blood-steel-you-are-my-living-legacy-) he sees the second person standing there being fussed at by Ignis and almost loses his grip on his Fusion Sword.

-Cadet Cloud Strife is watching Ignis with a touch of hero worship in his own eyes as the older teen expertly applies a potion to the scratches and cuts, never letting on that he’s spotted the eerie similarities between Prompto, Noctis and these two strangers.

-Their attention is dragged back to Zack by his waving arms as he chatters a mile a minute, then rapidly snagged by the sound of approaching footsteps from the far end of the street, the direction the Behemoth had come from.

-Noctis already knows who is running around that corner. His nerve breaks and he BOLTS. Zack yips a protest as Noctis rushes by, Prompto on his heels, trying to escape before HE can come around the corner and see them. Gladio sees the look on his prince’s face and starts herding Iggy and Luna away-.

-Genesis rounds the bend in front of them the exact moment Angeal rounds the corner behind. Both of them having rushed to the scene to try to save their apprentices.

-Noctis can only hear static. It’s ... it’s different from seeing Angeal in his new body, his reborn self. This- this is a ghost of the man he adored and looked up to as a father, this is a perfect memory of the man he was forced to KILL. This is- this is ANGEAL. Noctis cannot deal.

-Ignis ends up doing all the talking on the group’s behalf while Zack makes things ... worse unintentionally by excitedly recounting the story of how Prompto one-shot the Behemoth.

-Genesis confirms it with Cloud.

-Both men, honorable in their own way, insist on paying for a Proper Hotel for the group as thanks, which means taking them above plate. Ignis makes up a story of how they are Hunters (which ... they are technically, just not in this world) and were just visiting the city when they heard the sounds of fighting.

-They get dropped off at the hotel and Noctis and Prompto spend a good hour sobbing in the bathroom over their respective ghosts while Luna hesitantly tries to explain why to Ignis and Gladio without ... SAYING why. After that, the group put their heads together to make a plan, because Noctis and Prompto are SURE that SHINRA will come sniffing around soon.

-By morning, Noctis and Prompto have composed themselves and gotten ... sorta enough sleep.

-Prompto is not surprised how, the moment the clock turns to “reasonable hour of the morning” there is a knock on the door. He is less surprised when he opens it to find a Turk on the other side.

-He promptly shuts the door again.

-He makes a rude gesture at Ignis’s back when the older teen sighs at his bad manners and opens the door to let the devil man in with a murmured apology and vague excuse that Prompto doesn’t handle mornings well. The Turk is Tseng, because of course it is, and he’s come to formally thank them for their assistance the other day in saving the lives of two of their employees (Read: here to investigate how a group of unknown teens showed up out of literal nowhere, how one of them used a fireball spell without seeming to have any materia on his person and how the twig-blond one-shot a Behemoth like a SOLDIER First).

-Ignis and Luna handle all the talking because Noctis is oddly quiet (afraid of being too like Zack), Prompto has gone straight non-verbal, and Gladiolus is a bit busy trying to keep his two friends on a sane keel.

-Tseng notices all of the interplay, but isn’t sure what to make of it. He notices the way the black haired one seems agitated in his presence and how the blond has flickering mako shine in his eyes as he folds in on himself and shuts down at the sight of Tseng’s suit. He notices he way Ignis and Gladio are neutral to him like true strangers would, but the gentle girl named Luna watches him with an old, eerie sort of knowing fondness.

-They are not what they seem, he thinks to himself.

-But what are they?

-Anyway long ficlet made slightly shorter, Tseng talks them into coming to the tower to receive a thank you gift from SHINRA and maybe give a demonstration to some of the cadets while they were at it, as a ... show and tell from an outsider perspective. They don’t have any choice but to agree, and Noctis shakes off his uneasiness to be a more muted version of energetic to help Prompto cope.

-The SOLDIER Firsts and their apprentices are there too, because of course they are, and Noctis slides into his element showing off for the cadets with Gladio’s help while Prompto spaces out at the nearest wall. Angeal comes over to talk to Noctis and thank him and stuff and Zack is already trying to acquire another blond buddy (Prompto slides back into non-verbal blank looks and is ... dimly surprised by Cloud coming to his defense with an innocent, “Take it easy, Zack, he’s shy.” before smiling. Prompto doesn’t remember smiling as Cloud. Not like that. Easy and friendly and innocent.)

-SOMEHOW. Genesis ends up picking a fight with Noctis. Because Genesis. Prompto, eager to burn off some tension, intercedes on Noctis’s behalf and ends up flattening Genesis in three moves.

-...Oops.

-Genesis gets up with a manic look in his eye and Sephiroth is staring like a cat that just spotted a bird. Angeal’s eyebrows are up to his hairline and Zack is “ooo”ing in awe.

-Genesis tries again, Prompto flattens him in five moves this time.

-Ignis steps in before a real fight can happen and politely excuses the group because they have places to be.

-Prompto has never been more grateful for Gentiana’s timing than the moment they step out of Shinra’s office and slide into the crowd. In between one heartbeat and the next, one shifting of the large, busy crowd and another, she arrives and whisks them home.

-The Turks have no idea how they lost the group of teens, but they never find them again.

[where-the-wilds-things-are]

Wild Meets Wild Chapter Three

It was hard, saying goodbye to Silverpine City for Rusty. He could tell it was the same for Princess and Smudge. This place, even though they were leaving it behind, was their home for six months, basically their world. They could never see the sights, and inhabitants that lived here again. They would never sniff the same scents again. Rusty would always remember that he came from the City; even if he became a Warrior, he would never forget his origins as a cat that lived on Lucky Land Lane.

Penumbra was the first cat they saw, chilling by a black fountain birdbath. The Black and Gray Chimeria’s face shot up to greet them, four ears crowning her head. “Hello, Smudge, Rusty, and Princess! What brings you here today…” she trailed off when she saw their solemn faces. “Why do all of you have expressions like you are about to make a life-changing decision?” Penumbra meowed.

Rusty met her gaze, but before he could speak, Smudge beat him to it. “We are,” the black-and-white tom said, then seemed to hesitate.

Penumbra cocked her two-toned head. “What?”

The trio nodded. “We’re going to live with the Clans,” Rusty said, “So we came to say goodbye.”

Her nose wrinkled. “You can’t be serious,” she growled, sitting up. “Those snotty cats with their “blood-lines” and their “boundaries?” ” Her tail swished behind her, her long-furred tail catching dust.

“That’s right,” Princess said.

“You three might be crazy,” Penumbra began, her voice hard initially. But when she glanced at Smudge, her tone softened a little. “They will never accept you. Any of you.”

“We know that realistically,” Smudge said, “some cats won’t accept complete strangers into their home. But hopefully with time, our efforts can make some see otherwise, and they will call us clanmates.”

Her whiskers twitched. “Always an optimist, Smudge? That won’t protect you out there in the forest.”

“We’ll keep him safe, don’t worry,” Rusty purred. Princess nodded in agreement.

“Well,” Penumbra said. “You need to try to come to visit. And if I see one hair on your pelt is harmed, Smudge,” she glared at Rusty and Princess, “you’ll have me to answer to me.”

Rusty nodded. “Of course,” he said, blinking. She acted tough and had a soft spot for Smudge, but at the same time, she had a lot of faith in him. “He’ll be ok, Penumbra.”

One set of ears twitched on her head. “He’d better be,” she said.

“We’re going to say goodbye to Johnny and Sephiroth,” Princess said. “Do you want to tag along?”

The molly looked at Smudge, then at Rusty and Princess before sighing. “Okay, but if any Clan Cat tries to spout “pure-blood” rhetoric at me then I hope they have the cat version of medical insurance because I’m not dealing with any bullshit-nonsense. I already have to deal with that from Razoul, no need to get it from some Larpers.”

“Noted,” replied Rusty. He hoped that Lionheart didn’t piss Penumbra or the others off, but he didn’t see the golden tom to be the type to gloat about blood-lineage. Hopefully, they shouldn't have to deal with that once they got to the Clan.

Penumbra sneezed before getting up. “Come on, Sephiroth should be outside sunning his fur by now.” And with that, she took the lead. Blinking in surprise, the others looked at each other before following her.

They had to pass two gardens before they saw the large Nebelung, and sure enough, he was sunning on the patio table that was on the deck. Penumbra wasted no time calling his name. “Sephiroth, come down here, you have visitors. Smudge, Rusty, and Princess!”

The tom grumbled before opening his yellow eyes. “What?” Looking down, he spotted the quartet of cats amassed below him. “What’s going on here? Penumbra, your voice can wake up the dead,” he muttered.

“Rusty and the others have something to say...unless you think you’ll chip a claw and faint if you come down?” she sneered.

Princess shook her head, “Those two argue like old mates, I won’t be surprised if they have kits when we leave,” she said under her breath.

Sephiroth sprang down from his resting place and padded up to them. “Okay, I’m down here, what’s going on?” meowed the dark gray tom, his deep voice vibrating in Rusty’s ear fur.

“Smudge and the others are leaving to join some country hicks who think they're the shit,” Penumbra replied, blue and yellow eyes staring straight at the Nebelung’s face.

Sephiroth’s eyes grew comically large. “Country hic—you mean the Clans? Why would you want to join them? All they do act that they are Gods’ Gift to the world, and then get mad when you even step over the fence. Last time I checked they don’t own the damn city, so why get so torn at that?”

Rusty cleared his throat before talking. “Me and Princess want to join because our owners want us to enter a very high Show-Cat Circuit, and we refuse to put up with all of the drama that goes with it. As for Smudge, one word: Donovan.”

Penumbra’s head turned so fast Rusty was surprised it didn’t break. “Donovan? That little ba- that guy with the dead fish-eyed look? Why didn’t you mention that?” she hissed in anger. “This makes more sense now,” a sympathetic look came into her eyes. “Smudge, you feared for your life, didn’t you?”

Smudge nodded his head. “Donovan is unpredictable, and Charlie and his sister can’t keep an eye on him at all times. Better play it safe. Besides, I want to become a Medicine Cat, apparently, the Clans have some knowledge of herbs, which makes sense since they didn’t all die from some sickness or infections. I can contribute so much Penumbra, I know I can!”

The she-cat stared long at Smudge before she spoke. “I truly hope that you find meaning in this Clan Smudge. Same goes for you Rusty, Princess. Don’t let some glorified Backyardigans tell you can’t strive to do things, show the Clan and everyone in it what cats from Lucky Land Lane can do.”

“Penumbra is right, don’t let them shame you for being born somewhere else. They might not like you since you were born over the fence, but don’t let them say you will never amount to anything just because you don’t have Clan blood, whatever that means.” Sephiroth then looked pensive. “Are you taking anything with you by the way? Maybe if you bring some gifts like a blanket, some will be more accepting of all of you. Winter nights in this country can get harsh, taking one can help.”

Princess’s head shot up. “We did consider that! It was Smudge's idea, so this morning we took three blankets along with some toys for any kittens.” She didn’t bring up Bonnie or PK, much to Rusty’s relief. He didn’t need Penumbra to find out about his plush, or she’ll bring it up that he still needs a stuffed toy to go to bed.

Sepiroth cocked his head, “How do you plan to carry all of that by the three of you? You know what, I’ll help, I'm sure Penumbra would be thrilled to help Smudge.”

Penumbra glared, but Smudge cut her off before the two can argue even more. “We still need to talk to Johnny, Winry, and Seng. Can we please hurry?”

Sephiroth grunted and went to Princess’s side. “Lead the way then.”

Johnny’s backyard always made Rusty envious. Various garden statues from fantasy games littered the lawn, and he even had a koi pond that his owners defended like it was their newborn child, along with catnip plants in colorful pots.

Johnny was located by a garden statue, a red flower with black eyes from games that have some human with a mustache jumping down some green pipes.

The orange tabby seemed to notice that he had company since he started to wheel himself towards them. Today, he wore a white bandana with blue stars on it. “Is anyone going to explain why they are five cats in my backyard? I mean, I’m grateful that I have visitors, but I have a hunch that I’m not going to like what I’m going to hear.

He was right.

After getting a quick rundown from Rusty, Johnny shook his head. “Well, if that is what you want to choose, then I hope that everything turns out well for the three of you. I can’t blame you either, with you and Princess becoming a bunch of fashion divas and Smudge wanting to leave his home so he won’t be hurt. Trust me, I wouldn’t wish to stay in homes like that on my worst enemy. Granted, if they got hit by a fully loaded speeding semi-truck, then I'm fine with that.”

Rusty pointedly ignored the two bullet-shaped scars on the tom’s back, the reason why Johnny had to be in that wheelchair. The tom refused to talk about his past, and only said he came from a rescue center and is now happy with his new owners, especially their daughter, Erina. He also hated to be seen as a liability and would grow cold to anyone who tried to baby him.

“It’s nearly time, how about we stop by Winry and Seng before we get the things and leave?” meowed Rusty.

Johnny snorted. “I’m coming along. I want to be there to see these “wild cats” that I keep hearing about. Too bad I missed Henry fight that tom, I was at the vet getting shampooed.”

Johnny then noticed the looks he was getting. “There’s a hole in the fence that some humans can’t be bothered to fix, I can just go right through it. I’m not stupid, I know I can’t climb the fence,” he said, voice full of irritation.  

The others had the decency to look embarrassed, and the group of five became six.

To Rusty and the other’s disappointment, Winry and Seng didn’t seem to be out at all. “That’s right, they should be at HeartGold Park at this time. I guess in all of the excitement, it left our minds,” glumly replied Princess.

“We can tell them what happened,” mewed Penumbra reassuringly. Softly headbutting her in the shoulder, she went on, “They’ll understand, knowing Seng, she’ll be happy that you are happy.”

Princess’s eyes glittered with emotions. “That’s the kindest thing you’ve ever said to me. I’ll never forget that.”

“Good. Don’t get used to it,” She said in a light voice.

“Hey, what about me?” asked Rusty. He didn’t get any encouraging words!

“You two are littermates, you two can share it,”

While Johnny went through the hole he talked about, the others raced back to the garden that Rusty and Princess used to call home. Grabbing PK in his mouth, he carried the autumn blanket carefully as he could on his back so it won’t unfold. Princess carried the Starry blanket and Bonnie, and Sephiroth and Penumbra carried the Jack o Lantern between them since it was the largest. Smudge held his lunchbox in his jaws.

Once over the fence, they saw Johnny was already on the other side. “Finally! I thought humans would have created flying cars by the time you five came here!”

Sephiroth surprisingly rose to his bait. “Okay, oh Sultan of Speed, how about you carry this with Penumbra then? You the only one that doesn’t have any cargo. How’s that fair?”

Johnny puffed out his chest. “It’s because I never volunteered to, I just wanted to see Clan cats and say goodbye to the others. Penumbra is right, you don’t deserve that name. The real Sephiroth wouldn't have whined about holding some fluffy blanket, do you need your beauty rest so you won’t pass out from this grueling labor?!" taunted the orange and white tom.

“Time to go,” hissed Smudge. He was getting antsy, and quite frankly so was Rusty and Princess. Honestly, he loved these cats but they can’t argue right now when Lionheart should be on his way

“Alright, alright,'' said Johnny. “Lead the way."

As they approached the spot where they met the Clan Cats yesterday, Johnny looked around with interest. “Huh, who would have thought that this is behind the fence after all this time. Just how far does this place go anyway?” he wondered out loud.

Penumbra saw a squirrel’s bushy tail darted up a tree with abundant speed. "This makes me want to catch a squirrel or even a bird back home,” she replied. “It feels peaceful here too, I’ll give those forest cats that."

“Okay, we're here, right on time,” muffled Rusty behind the toy.  Dropping his cargo, Rusty sat on the grassy floor with a sigh. The others copied his actions, with them carefully placing the items on the soft grass. “These cats better appreciate this, I swear if someone spits on our faces for “bringing frivolous things" than they can catch these paws with their face,” said Penumbra, whiskers twitching.others

Rusty, Princess, and Smudge shook their heads. With Penumbra’s owner being an MMA fighter, that sounded less of a threat and more of a promise.

Rusty turned his head to take in their surroundings. Tall trees shielded the ground from the midday sunshine, making it comfortably cool. Here and there a patch of sunlight shone through a gap in the leaves and lit up the forest floor. Rusty could smell the same cat-scent as last night, and as a matter of fact, he picked up Lionheart’s scent, along with two unknown ones nearby.

“Lionheart! Is that you? You can come out with your friends!” meowed Rusty, which caught the attention of others.

“Someone is here?” replied Johnny, looking around in surprise.

The bramble bush in front of them shook before Lionheart walked out of the undergrowth.

“So you scented me, that’s a good sign that you are aware of your surroundings." His gaze never left the unknown cats as he came to a halt. “Whitestorm, Stonefoot, you can come out now too," he meowed.

‘Who’s Whitestorm and Stonefoot?’ was the thought that was on everyone’s minds.

The city cats watched as two new cats strolled into the clearing. One was a long furred white tom that had a hint of grey on his ears, tail, and face, while the other one had Russian Blue ancestry, and had very faint traces of stripes on his tail and legs.

“Lionheart? Who are these cats? I thought you said there would be three of them? And what are those things beside them? They smell like it came from two-leg place," said the greyish tom, who must be Stonefoot.

Rusty stared at the tom, he resembled Bluestar greatly. ‘Is he related to her by chance?’

Smudge picked up on this and cocked his head to the side as he glanced at the grey cat. “Excuse me Sir, are you related to Bluestar by any chance?”

Stonefoot inclined his head. “Yes, I am. I’m her son, and she was made Deputy when my siblings and I were still kits by her side.” His voice was filled with pride when he mentioned this, and he turned to face the white tom next to him.

Whitestorm, who was probably named for his fur, spoke up. “I have to say, when Bluestar said that they were kitty pets that resembled Leopardshine and was nearly the size of our biggest Warrior, I had a hard time picturing it. But now, I can see why she extended an offer to join the Clan."

“But to answer Stonefoot’s question, who are these cats Rusty?” mewed Lionheart, his voice having the slightest edge to it. Rusty wondered why until it hit him. He might think it is some trap since he had only expected the three of us. He doesn’t know about Pen, Sephiroth, or Johnny.

"I guess it is fair we introduce them." Using his tail, Rusty pointed at his friends. “This is Penumbra, Sephiroth, and Johnny. They decided to send us off when we told them we were leaving and offered to carry gifts for your Clan."

Meeting the Clan Cats gazes, he continued. “As for those items over there; we figured since you said nights can get cold, we brought blankets, something that can keep you warm. We also brought some toys for any kittens for entertainment.”

The cats gave their own greetings.

Penumbra nodded her head. “I always wondered what a Clan Cat would look like, so it’s nice to meet you three,” she said. Smudge gave her a quick glance, and Rusty assumed she was putting a friendly face so she won’t come off needlessly antagonizing.

“And no, I can’t hear out of the other pair of ears, apparently they are for show,” the molly answered.

“Yes, my back legs don’t work. This is called a wheelchair, and it helps me get around so I don’t have to drag myself whenever I want to move,” said Johnny. He wheeled himself in a tight circle to prove his point.

Lionheart, Whitestorm, and Stonefoot looked on with wide eyes.

“I never imagined that I’ll see a cat with Russian Blue ancestry in the forest. And one that somehow has ghost stripes as an adult! I know humans who would pay good money to have you as a pet!” Sephiroth told Stonefoot.

Stonefoot had a look of confusion in his bluish eyes. “...Thanks?”

Whitestorm went to the Jack o Lantern blanket and pressed down on it with his paw. Golden eyes took on a contemplative shine. “Lionheart, Stonefoot, I think they are right. The Elders and The Queens can make use of these.”

Rusty secretly did a fist pump in his head. They seemed okay with it so far!

The tom then looked at PK and Bonnie. “Are those for the kits? They sure are… colorful looking.”

“No, those two are very special and belong to us,” replied Princess. “The toys for the kits are in Smudge’s lunchbox.” She tossed her head to the Spidey themed tin box.

Rusty grimaced as Penumbra got a look in her eyes. “Rusty still needs a toy to go to bed? Oh man, why didn’t you tell me this before you decided to leave? I could have held this over him.”

The savannah tom sighed in resignation. At least she wouldn’t have the time to actually do it.

“Speaking of my lunchbox, can I please train to become a Medicine Cat? I’ll listen to every word my mentor says and my tin box can hold a lot of herbs!” said Smudge with hope in his golden eyes.

Stonefoot stared at Smudge in surprise. “You want to become a Medicine Cat? Hmmm, I’ll let Bluestar and Spottedleaf know that there is a potential apprentice that wants to join. If they say yes, then your odds are good.”

Smudge practically glowed with excitement.

“Can me and the others help carry this to the Clan? If that’s okay with all of you,” asked Penumbra.

Rusty looked at Lionheart with hopeful eyes. Princess and Smudge did the same.

Whitestorm and Stonefoot gazed at the golden tabby, who thought about this question.

“Only because your gifts seem like a pawful to carry.” Looking at Penumbra, Sephiroth, and Johnny, he went on. “It is an honor for outsiders to come to our camp, but don’t try to come back to our territories to catch prey, or you will be chased out.”

Smudge spoke before Penumbra could. “They know not to trespass, Lionheart. Right guys?”

Sephiroth nodded, though his eyes held a spark of irritation at the accusation that he’d hunt in foreign territory.

Johnny shrugged his shoulders. “The Valentines give me beef, poultry, and pork for my meals. So I’m good on that end.”

Penumbra bristled at Lionheart’s tone but nodded her head. “I’m fine with the prey back over the fence, you won’t find any squirrels missing from me.”

Lionheart nodded. “Good to hear. Stonefoot, you can…” he trailed off as the wind suddenly brought new scents into the clearing. Something familiar to the City cats.

Hissing, Lionheart’s fur fluffed up. “Dogs! Dogs are coming straight towards here! You five, hide over there and we sho—”

Out of the bushes shot out two large dogs. One was a brindle Greyhound, and the other was a fully grown black and tan Tibetan Mastiff.

The Clan cats jumped back, the scent of fear and alarm coming off of their fur in waves.

Rusty gaped at the sight, before yowling in joy. “Seng! Winry. You came!”

The dogs now known as Seng and Winry halted in front of the group of felines. The Greyhound huffed, before doing something that nearly gave the Clan cats a collective heart attack.

She spoke. Clearly.

“Why is it that when Seng and I came back from the Park, we find you,” she pointed her nose at Rusty, “Your sister, and the other’s scents near our houses that led all the way to the forest?”

Looking at Lionheart, Whitestorm, and Stonefoot, she then cocked her head. “Are you those Clan cats that think they are descendants from Wild Cats? Because I find that really funny when you live right next to a city, mate."

Whitestorm’s eyes bulged out of his skull. “T-t-talking dogs?!” The poor tom looked like he was going to faint from shock.

“That’s a nice Shaggy impression you got going on there,” replied Penumbra. She watched the spectacle with amusement.

Johnny shushed her, but he had the same expression.

Seng went ahead and licked Rusty’s face eagerly. Causing his fur to stick up. “Rusty! Why are you here? You could have gotten hurt, or worse! The animal catcher could have grabbed you!”

Rusty shook his head to fling off the remaining slobber. “The animal catcher won’t go after us since we have collars Seng, but thank you for your concern." He really meant it. Now they could say goodbye in person, and not by second hand.

Winry narrowed her eyes as she looked at the two Savannah cats and Turkish angora, then at the pile of blankets, before at the Clan cats, who seemed to be stuck in a flight or fight mode.

“Rusty." Her voice took on a knowing edge, which made him shuffle his paws. “Are you planning on joining the forest cats?” Seng shot up from furiously licking Smudge’s face with wide eyes.

“Huh? Winry what are you on about?” the Tibetan Mastiff got up and met Rusty’s green eyes. “Is Winry telling the truth?”

Rusty fought the gulp as he saw the confusion in her massive face. Winry and Seng were the only dogs that were their friends besides Oscar, and he was more of a friendly elder. Rusty didn’t want to break her heart, but he needed to tell her the truth.

But before he could, Princess answered both of their questions. “Winry is right. Me, my brother, and Smudge are leaving to join the Clan. Pen, Sephiroth, and Johnny came to help carry some things we’ll need for our new lives.”

Winry flicked her ears while Seng surprisingly growled low. “Are they making you do this against your will? If so I”ll—”

“No." Lionheart finally got over his shock, though his eyes were slitted and his tail was puffy. “They wanted to join our Clan with their by their own will. Bluestar won’t force them."

Whitestorm made a noise along with Stonefoot. “Rusty and his friends crossed the fence last night during our patrol, and it was our Leader who offered. She doesn’t make those on whims, which tells us that they have the potential to become something greater," rasped Whitestorm.

“It’s true Winry. Seng. Rusty and Princess wanted to join to escape becoming Show-Cats, while I had to leave because of Donovan," Smudge told them. He didn’t want them to think Lionheart and the others were trying to coerce them into something they didn’t want.

Rusty and Princess nodded in agreement. Penumbra lifted her head. “While I don’t like it, they do want to join, and I wish them the best in their endeavors.''

Winry showed teeth at the name Donovan. “Ouch. Sorry to hear about that Smudge. Heard that the guy is a real headcase."

Seng swung her head to Whitestorm, who stood his ground despite his whiskers vibrating. “You will protect them with all of your might. Right?" While her voice didn’t have any malice in it, the white tom felt the underline pressure in that sentence. The silent ‘Or Else’ was easily picked up by his Clanmates.

“We will protect them with our life, as they will protect ThunderClan," spoke Stonefoot. It seemed that he finally got over the shock, and he looked at the dogs with some kind of awe.

Rusty was confused. Sure, Seng was massive, but other than that, what confounded the Clan Cats so? They know what dogs were, so why act like that?

It seemed like he wasn’t the only one who thought of that. “So, why did you lot act like you just saw a funnel-web spider when we talked? Are dogs talking that big of a revelation to you?” spoke Winry. She had laid down on her side, since sitting down was a bit of a problem for her species.

Stonefoot and Lionheart took a step back. Leaving Whitestorm to speak for his Clan. The tom swung his head and hissed at this betrayal before reluctantly meeting the dogs faces.

“I mean no offense, but the Clans haven’t… had the best experience when it comes to dogs. Some attack us on sight with no provocation, and we never actually heard them talk. Just bark, with a splattering of words. Also, we see dogs with their two-legs on the trail, but I had never seen one big as you." He nodded to Seng, who stomped her paws. Small clouds of dust kicked up in the air.

“Well, dogs can speak, some just don’t try to learn to speak as you cats do." She then let out a series of barks that the city cats could make out as “My name is Sengdongma, and I like to chew on deer antlers."

Whitestorm and the others twitched at the sound but didn’t seem to pick on what she said. “See, that was me talking in the language of dogs. Some city cats know it, like those cats over there”.

A gold, white, and grey head turned to look at them in surprise. “You can understand dogs?!” sputtered Stonefoot. Rusty puffed his chest out with pride. “Yep! We can understand humans too. You have too if you live in the City”.

Winry then took over. “As for dogs attacking you, I really can’t hazard a guess as to why they do that. Unless they are arseholes and help to push the stereotype that dogs hate cats for no reason."

Whitestorm looked pensive before he cleared his throat. “Thank you for this conversation, Winry, Seng. But Bluestar is waiting for us back at camp, and we must make haste to return to it," he mewed.

“What about your collars?” asked Winry. She had gotten to her paws, and pointed at their collars and bandana with her nose.

Rusty had nearly forgotten about them. Their collars! Would the Clan accept them if they still had it on?

Seng had seemed to figure it out. “Hold still Rusty." Lowering her head to his neck, she bit the band and pulled. A quick pinch to his neck, and a loud snapping sound resounded in the clearing. Dangling from her jaws was his collar, snapped cleanly in half.

In total shock, Rusty took a deep breath and felt the hold of the thing that was around his neck as long he could remember disappear.  

Princess’s blue eyes shone with realization. “Of course! You’re a genius, Seng. Can you do me next please." Said dog padded over to her, and a couple of seconds later, Princess’s collar met a fate similar to his.

“I feel so free!” she meowed. Turning her head this way and that, she turned to Seng. “Thank you so much, who knows how we could have gotten them off in the Clan?”

“No need to do mine Seng” Smudge simply sat on his haunches before he used his forepaws to play with the bandana around his neck. Soon, it became undone, and it fluttered to the ground.

“Thank you for helping out” replied Lionheart. “You three, take your collars, it will show Bluestar and the Clans that you mean what you say you want to join.” Stonefoot, show the others to our camp since they are holding things that require an easier path. Rusty, Princess, and Smudge are with me and Whitestorm."

“They’ll visit us right?” muttered Seng as she watched the cats get ready to leave. Stonefoot turned his head as he led Penumbra and the others to the side of the clearing.

“That is up to Bluestar, but I’ll make sure she considers it." And with that, they all disappeared into the thicket, Johnny’s ginger tail brushing the forest floor.

“Goodbye, Seng, Winry," Rusty said. They each passed their tongues over his face, then did the same to Princess and Smudge, their tails low but wagging faintly. They then lapped the cheek fur of Whirestorm and Lionheart, who blinked and fluffed out their fur a bit in surprise.

Seng looked at Rusty. "It's been fun," the mastiff said. "Be safe, you three."

"We will," Princess replied.

“We’ll show everyone just what Silverpine cats can do,” said Rusty.

Whitestorm and Lionheart nodded. Rusty collected his now broken collar along with his stuffed toy. With Princess and Smudge beside him as they followed the two warriors, Rusty took one last glance at the canines who befriended them.

“We will see each other again," woofed Seng. Then she, along with Winry, ran back to their homes.

[matronrainbowbrite]

To Bare His Child

Chapter six

Hey there guys!! We are slowly getting through these chapters, I don’t get much time to write other than on my breaks at work. So it takes me way longer than I would like to finish. But enough of me rambling! Enjoy the story!

Side note: Aerith is currently five months along, Twenty one weeks so far!

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Aerith hummed softly as she brushed through her hair; it had started growing much faster and fuller ever since she had gotten pregnant. Most often she kept it in her normal braid, but today she decided to forgo that for something else. She twisted the front of both sides and pulled them back, tying her pink ribbon in with her materia in place. The small white orb had become a lifeline for her, the only item from before she had been forced into this situation. While Aerith had come to terms and accepted that she was going to be a mother of a man that didn’t remember her at all, that didn’t mean she was happy.

Her mind wandered to her childhood. She had been in this building before. At that time, her and her mother had been taken by Hojo when Aerith was only a few months old. It wasn’t until she was around five or six that her mother had finally managed to escape with her, but her mother...

Aerith choked back sobs at the thought. Her memory of those years was faint, but the scene of her biological mother’s death was something she had seen in her dreams for years and would never be able to forget. During those years they had been completely trapped, not allowed to leave their confined room but for testing and experiments. But every so often, she remembered seeing a small boy, with short silver hair and striking green eyes. It didn’t surprise her that Sephiroth seemed to have no memory of ever seeing her; Aerith had only seen and watched from a distance, and spoken to the boy only once. Her mother, however, seemed to have gotten to know him well. She would come back bleeding, exhausted, and barely able to talk sometimes, but she would always smile and talk of the boy who she did her best to make happy.

Aerith stood to her feet, taking a deep breath and shaking her head. She had to finish getting ready now, no time to sit and ponder over the past. Whichever guard that was assigned to her today would be here any minute now to take her to today’s activity or experiments. They changed up what they had her do at random, most likely to keep her unaware and less likely to try any escape plans, not that she could do much with her belly now.

Aerith gently placed a hand on her stomach and looked into the mirror. There was no hiding her pregnancy anymore, but the clothes they had given her were bland and boring, and always darker colors. Today she had on a dark, hazy blue dress that was far too snug around her top for her liking, and was also a bit shorter than she cared for, so she also had one of the few pair of leggings they had given her. This gray pair was one of her favorite because they were very warm and most of this building was always cold. She slipped into a pair of black sandals and made her way to the living room area to await and see what today would bring.

A knock on the door almost made her jump. Taking a deep breath, she went and opened it to see. “Oh!! Cyan! It’s so good to see you!” she exclaimed happily, moving to the side to allow him in. Out of the eight or so different people assigned to her, Cyan and one other were her favorite. They were kind and genuinely cared, and would always talk with her.

Cyan smiled gently towards her. “Good morning, Aerith. I finally brought the clothes you asked for. My wife picked them out, so hopefully they will be more to your liking than what Shinra gives you,” he said, placing down two rather large bags of clothes onto the couch and then turning towards her. Cyan was an older gentleman; it was obvious he was not from this part of the world by his pure black hair he kept tied back and dark eyes that reminded her a lot of Tseng, and a mustache to match his dark hair. He had a knightly air about him and moved with an uncanny grace. He was well built for a man in his fifties, someone who obviously worked everyday and was very powerful. “And, of course, I shall be your guard for today, my lady.”

Aerith smiled brightly and laughed. “Tell her thank you next time you see her. I can’t wait to not have to wear these dreary clothes and feel a little more like myself,” she said, watching him as he made his way back to her and held out his arm to escort her around. She wrapped her hand around his arm, marveling every time she had done so at how strong this man was. One would think that for his age he wouldn’t be so, but he was built for sword fighting. Strong muscles hidden underneath the uniform he was forced to wear and amazing speed to match. She only knew because she had seen him in action once before in the training grounds; it was amazing to watch. On their way out, Cyan motioned to the guards hidden to the side and led her to the elevator, one hand resting on the hilt of the sword he carried at all times. If she remembered right, it was called a katana, a much shorter version of Sephiroth’s own sword. Her mind drifted for a brief moment to the nightmares that still plagued her; she was scared of that weapon. Far more than she should be considering she had never seen him use it.

Cyan patted the top of her hand that rested on his arm, a look of concern across his face. “Miss Aerith, will you be alright?”

Aerith shook her head to clear her thoughts, smiling once more at him “Yeah, sorry. Just remembering a nightmare,” she answered, then jumped just slightly as the elevator stopped. “Goodness, the baby sure is moving around.”

They made their way out and into a hallway, Aerith moving her hand from his arm and placing both on her stomach. She could feel kicks and movement. It was such a strange thing to feel, she couldn’t help but smile and look at Cyan. “Do you want to feel?”

Cyan’s face lit up. “Of course!! When my wife was carrying my son, he was rather active as well. It’s a good thing, sign of a strong and healthy baby.” He said, gently placing a hand on her stomach. They both stood still for a moment before the baby kicked right where his hand was, causing Cyan to laugh loudly. “It’s been years since I have felt that. Thank you, my lady, for allowing me this honor.” He smiled and held out his arm for her once more. “Has the General been able to feel that yet?” He asked as she took his arm.

Aerith could feel her face flush slightly. “No, not yet.” She wasn’t sure why, but the thought of asking Sephiroth was far too embarrassing to even consider. Sure, they had gotten to know each other per their time together (at least she thought so), but for some reason asking him things like that felt far too overwhelming to even consider.

Cyan gave her an odd look, not fully understanding why she would be so embarrassed. All guards were told the very basic story, that they were to protect and watch this young girl who was carrying General Sephiroth’s child, and that was all. Any other details were left out. He sighed and continued to lead them. “Well, today you have joint materia training, a doctor appointment with Miss Claire and the Professor,” his voice grew cold at the mention of Hojo, his disdain for him very clear, “And then weapon training.” He grumbled softly, “I still don’t understand why they would even think of having a pregnant woman do all of these things. It makes no sense to me. You should be resting and only do light exercises.”

Aerith chuckled, gripping his arm with both of her hands. “It’s okay, it helps keep me in shape and gets me out of that place. I don’t know what I would do if I was stuck all the time.”

Soon they arrived at the training room, the lights outside indicating that someone was already inside. They both entered, and the hologram was set to a very basic field; the only thing that stood out was the tall, silver-haired man in the middle, his sword drawn and swinging it through the air with ease. He stopped and looked over towards them, dropping his sword to his side and striding over. Aerith felt her heart beat faster. Was she really going to be magic training with him?

Sephiroth nodded his head in greeting to them both. “Before we start your training, Aerith,” he turned his gaze to Cyan, “I was wondering if you would be up to a sparring match,” he asked the older man. The katana at his side had not gone unnoticed by him, and he was genuinely curious about Cyan’s skill.

Cyan smiled and laughed. “Well of course! Who would ever pass up the chance to go against you?” He turned towards Aerith and, releasing her hands, bowed towards her slightly. “So long as the lady is fine with it.”

Aerith huffed softly. “Of course, you don’t even have to ask. Go on, I will be over here watching.” With that she turned from them and found a place to sit, turning back to watch them head further in and taking a stance. Though Sephiroth’s sword was longer by far, Aerith could tell even from afar how well made Cyan’s blade was. It shone softly in the light from the room; she could only imagine seeing it up close.

Their match started, Sephiroth swiftly moving closer to make the first strike to be met with an almost just as fast counter. They moved back and forth, their blades a blur and eyes intent on their target. Cyan jumped back, taking a stance. “Hast thou gone easy on me?” He always had an odd habit of speaking differently when he was fighting, but a smile was on his face. “Thy power is great indeed still...” A soft light emitted from his body and he let out a deep breath “Bushido.” His stance changed, lifting his sword higher and pointing directly at Sephiroth “Flurry!” With that, he moved so quickly that to Aerith’s untrained eyes, she couldn’t see, and delivered a four-strike combo, each met with the steel clang of Sephiroth’s blade. Cyan jumped back, taking a deep breath, and waited.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow; he had only seen something similar to that once before. “You’re right, I am. Shall we continue then? I won’t hold back anymore.” He answered Cyan, holding his sword out and pointing towards him.

Cyan laughed. “Thou does me a great honor, General. I pray to be a fitting opponent as thou hopes.” And with that, they clashed again, each eager to see how far the other could go.

Aerith was truly shocked to see how good Cyan was, not really expecting someone to even hold a candle to the great general of legend. Sure, she knew people exaggerated, but still. Their fight lasted for about fifteen minutes before Cyan stopped. His breathing was deep and sweat poured from his brow. Sephiroth still stood calm, seemingly unbothered.

Cyan shook his head and placed his blade away. “You are the victor, General. Thy strength and stamina far surpasses mine own.” He walked up to Sephiroth and held out a hand, his shoulders back and head held high. “I thank thee for this chance.” They shook hands and Cyan made his way beside Aerith, sitting down hard and laying his head back, closing his eyes. “I have not fought someone so intently for gods know how many years...” he said, still taking deep breaths.

Sephiroth walked over close and sat down as well, surprising Aerith slightly. “You did a good job, though. Not many people can last that long and go that fast without the mako enhancements like you have.” He ran a gloved hand through his hair. “I would love to learn about that blade of yours as well, should we ever have time.”

Cyan crossed his legs and sat straight “Of course! But for today, I believe that’s all this old man can take. So for now I shall just watch from over here.” He motioned towards the both of them and then to the field, ready to watch and catch his breath.

Sephiroth stood to his feet and reached out a hand to help Aerith up, careful to watch and make sure she was steady before releasing her hand. She had almost fallen once before; he was just barely close enough then to reach her shoulders and keep her up. He moved a few feet away from Cyan and waited for her.

Aerith took a deep steadying breath and moved up beside him. “So why are you training me today? And where should we start?” she asked, watching him closely and unconsciously resting a hand on her stomach once again.

Sephiroth shrugged. “The Professor informed me of this only this morning, so I don’t know.” He turned his hand over and plucked a materia from its slot on the wristlet. It glowed softly in his grip as he handed it over to her. “This is an ice materia. Most of mine are mastered. This one is close, but not quite,” he spoke and handed her the small green orb. “Start off small and let’s see what you can do.”

Aerith took a deep breath, placing the materia in a slot on her own wristlet Shinra had given her. She focused on the small orb and casted small first. “Ice,” she whispered softly, the spell going off ahead of them and hitting thin air.

Sephiroth spent the next hour instructing her on ways to improve her speed casting and accuracy. He watched as she casted once more, impressed with her ability to control and handle the Ice3 spell. She was a natural with magic, and learned fast.

The spell suddenly faded and he heard her start to cough. The color seemed to drain from her skin in a matter of moments, and she fell to her knees, doubled over in pain. Sephiroth moved to her side and placed a hand gently on her back.

“Aerith, what’s wrong?” his voice was calm thanks mostly to his Soldier training, but inwardly his mind was racing. Trying desperately to grasp at ideas of what could be wrong and what he should do, he was used to things like this happening in battle, but not to a pregnant woman carrying his child and in his care. He was vaguely aware of Cyan’s voice close by; he seemed to be using the radios they were required to carry around to contact someone.

“Sephiroth...it hurts...” Aerith sputtered between coughs, her eyes wide in pain. She covered her mouth as other vicious cough wracked through her, feeling something moist on her hand and afraid to look. Slowly she pulled her shaking hand away. Black and red? Blood, and something else she had never seen before. She turned to Sephiroth, tears streaming down her face “Sephiroth.”

Sephiroth wasted no time after that, he carefully lifted her shaking form into his arms, looking over at last to Cyan, who was already moving to open the hologram chamber. His heart beat heavy in his chest. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this unprepared and worried. He ran out the door, glancing down at her briefly when he felt her grip his coat tightly and wince in pain again. Cyan followed close behind him and they went, desperately trying to get to the doctor in time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I first started writing this one, I absolutely hated it, I ended up writing Aerith as such a sucky Marysue and it was awful! So I rewrote the whole thing and it turned out a lot different and better, but it added on so much I had to cut my original chapter idea in half. It feels a lot nicer now though and I’m happy with it!

Let me know what you guys think and thanks again for reading!!

~Rainbow

[nautilusopus]

I’m feeling angry today so here are all the entries of the Compilation listed from least terrible to “Nojima and Nomura are incompetent hacks and should be fired”.

8. The Case of Denzel OVA is the most bearable entry in the Compilation, because it does what a sequel is supposed to do: expand upon the lore of the established setting while showing us more about the characters in it. It's a shame, because I think this also might be the least acknowledged entry in it, apart from maybe Before Crisis, perhaps partially because it has no official English dub. In this case, we get to see Denzel finally fleshed out beyond "the littlest geostigma patient that Cloud needs to win the big game for!" He joins up with a group of salvagers, and we see everyone trying to piece the world back together following the complete collapse of the government, the economy, their primary energy source, and the deaths of millions, where they're immediately set upon by disease and societal tensions between what used to be the "upper class" and the slum dwellers that have always had it this way, more or less. 

What the fuck, this is what Advent Children should have been entirely. Except with Cloud and his friends, and not Denzel, because screw Denzel, I wanna see what Avalanche has been up to. (We never get to see what Avalanche has been up to, and we never will.)

That being said, even Case of Denzel didn't manage to not fuck up royally, and it has a giant huge plothole in the form of forgetting to account for an entire goddamn year because it forgot Advent Children was set two years after the OG and not one. Whoops.

7. Advent Children Complete, which I'm treating as a separate entry from Advent Children -- Advent Children is a fucking mess with a nonsensical plot and wonky character motivations that, word of god, were literally just there because they figured it's how the fans wanted to be pandered to the best and not because they thought the motivations would be good or interesting (nothing like a content creator that openly states he thinks his target audience are morons!). It's slightly lower on the list than Advent Children vanilla because A) it looks slightly less ugly due to the Bluray release, B) Denzel's and Marlene's child actors got too old and they had to find younger ones for the redub, and these newer actors are actually better and significantly less obnoxious, and C) it has My Chemical Romance doing the theme song. 

These are all very shallow reasons, admittedly. You'd think it'd be lower because the added scenes help fill in some plot holes, but they were badly added scenes that meshed very poorly with the story at large, and because of that they actually created about as many new plot holes as they filled in. Shite movie. 

6. Advent Children vanilla. This is a good place to discuss why they're both on the bottom of the list, since they're pretty much the same movie. Shitty plot, characters are a sad shadow of what they used to be, and they did some weird thing with Cloud where he unlearns everything from the original game for the sake of cheap conflict and the fans try and defend it like it's actually deep and coherent. Not to mention some more bad decisions: Renu and Rude are good guys now and friends with Cloud and Tifa despite murdering their friends along with everyone else in Sector 7, Marlene is no longer Barret's daughter because ewwww, black people, and Tseng and Rufus are retconned back to life for literally no damn reason at all (they contribute nothing to the movie. Nothing. They even waste the dramatic reveal with the sheet by having him say "yeah it's me Rufus but I'm gonna wear this sheet for no reason and rip it off dramatically revealing ME, RUFUS SHINRA"). As far as I'm concerned they both just died again right after this movie. 

Basically, Advent Children was bad and stupid, but it was pointless as well, which in this case works to its advantage: we relearn the exact same lessons but in a shittier, more juvenile way, wind up at the exact same point we started at by the movie's conclusion, and get confirmation that there were, in fact, zero fucking stakes. At least it didn't take a scalpel to the franchise lore at large, like everything else on this list. 

5. The Last Order OVA is basically Square Enix frantically trying to save face after they've realised that, "Oh shit, our complete inability to proofread the first drafts of the scrips we've been running with have resulted in every single bit of VII lore introduced in these things wildly contradicting one another!" Basically, Last Order is a very pretty fight scene with Zack in it animated by Madhouse that occasionally tries to have a plot. This is the entry that began the handwave of "oh, all the entries in the Compilation are different because they're all told from a difrerent point of view! It's up to you do decide what really happened!" Lazy, bad, the beginning of the end. It looked nice, but I can't even enjoy the fight scene in the reactor properly because Zack doesn't immediately get bodied like he should've, which wouldn't have been very much fun to watch but at least would've made more sense; as well as the weird bit where they tried to imply Cloud was always infected with Jenova and mako-enhanced from birth? Somehow?

Also, the "Last Order" in question seems to be Zack telling Cloud to run. Cloud, who is in a vegetative state, and even if he weren't, can't even walk. Sure, he'll get right on that.

4. Case of Novels. These things suck and are terrible and look like they were written by a third grader. That's not just a "lol these are terrible" jab, either. I mean they literally read like they were written by a child with a very basic grasp of how to put sentences together. All of them are structured like so:

Tifa was very sad, because Cloud wasn't talking to her. Tifa thought that maybe Cloud felt sad because his friends were dead. Then Tifa thought about her adventures with her friends from Avalanche, the friends that she was best friends with two years ago. Cloud and Tifa had lots of adventures with them, but they were sad by the end of it because Aeris died, and then Tifa thought that Cloud was probably thinking about that too. Tifa felt bad about that. 

They are bad to look at, just objectively, regardless of the content in them. Case of Barret's is by far the worst in that regard, to the point where I'm not entirely certain I didn't read a bootleg fake version of it, because there is no way Square Enix would charge actual money for a product that was meant to be released to the masses and presented as canon to Final Fantasy VII. Except that they did. (I can also believe it because it further works towards the goal of erasing Barret from the story entirely, more on this later.)

As far as the actual story content, I'd probably have to say Case of Lifestream White/Black are the worst, due to some weird nonsense where Aeris just hangs out in the Lifestream and watches people like it's a spectral break room, and Sephiroth grumbles and pines over Cloud like a jilted ex-boyfriend because Nojima forgot there was anything else to his character. These, like Advent Children, are pointless, but they’re pointless to the extent that it’s absurd they even exist -- there's apparently an entire third Shinra bastard running around out there, and he has zero bearing on anything ever, and never will again. What Shinra bastard? Who? Kadaj murdered a whole town offscreen or something, but I guess it wasn’t relevant, don’t know why we brought it up.

3. Before Crisis. Japan-exclusive mobile game where Square stops even bothering trying to hide their contempt for anyone not in the "marketable niche" (i.e: all the white male characters ages 16-27) and begins writing them out of the story. It's not enough that they take his goddamn daughter away from him on the basis that he's prospecting oil, which is fucking stupid in and of itself -- this is the story that decides Avalanche, the group Barret founded in response to Shinra murdering everyone in his hometown because they didn't want any competition in the form of coal, wasn't actually even Barret's. It was some other guy's, and grrrr he was a terrorist even more terroristier than OG Avalanche was because moral ambiguity is gonna go over our audience’s heads so let’s just make it nice and cleanly black and white for them. I've ranted about this before, but it's even worse that the fans seem to have no problem incorporating these changes into everything, because who gives a rat's ass about Barret, right? There was some dumb thing about Nanaki finding a girl catdog to have those babies he has in the epilogue, and the Ravens, but it's all just more of the same introducing samefaced teeny boppers that the fans love so much at the expense of everything else.

2. SPEAKING OF WHICH, Crisis Core, the king of samefaced teeny boppers consuming the franchise. I flipflop a lot on whether this one is the worst or not, but in addition to having the same problem as Before Crisis times fifty, I consider it as bad as it was because you could tell it could have been really good, and that's honestly heartbreaking. The first hour or so kicks things off with a really good start, introducing Zack as this cocksure jackass trying to make a name for himself, and his mentor Catchphrase Man. Then around the point where Banora gets firebombed it all sort of goes downhill, and you realise a lot of the credit you were giving it wasn't actually due. Zack being a gloryhound for Shinra and believing Soldier to be a bastion of good wasn't supposed to be a character flaw like it should've. Genesis almost singlehandedly ruins the entire thing by eating all the screentime in the word with his obnoxious motivations that made zero sense, and in a flashback we see he was always a fucking tool so there's no reason to feel sorry for him in the first place. He's actually secretly responsible for the iconic Nibelheim scene, of all fucking things (GENESIS DID NIBELHEIM would make a good bumper sticker). Tifa gets thirty seconds of screentime. Cloud doesn't fare much better, which is a seriously huge problem considering he's the goddamn protagonist of the entire franchise. He gets a single 49 second cutscene of them establishing "okay he's best friends with Zack" and then nothing else, ever, unless you want to count the three emails he sends him that you could tell were supposed to lead to more bonding cutscenes that were ultimately cut for more GENESIS, YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH RIGHT GUYS??? Aeris fares even worse than Cloud and Tifa combined, being barely in it, and Square having decided that Zack actually made all her life decisions for her. That's right -- literally everything about her character? Zack did it. Fuck you. 

It's also this high up for what it represents, I suppose -- in the fanbase, you see a whole lot of "Well, Cloud lost Zack and Aeris so now he has no friends and nothing else to live for in this world because he didn't really care about anyone else besides them". It seems everyone forgot that not only was there more to Cloud’s character than "his friends are dead so he’s sad” and his friends being dead was only a small part of it, but that there were seven other people we spent about sixty hours establishing in no uncertain terms that they loved him unconditionally and that he felt the same way. Crisis Core is what finally got people to start disregarding the rest of the main fucking cast from the OG, and it was very, very deliberate. An old unwashed man in his late thirties jaded about his future in spaceflight, a catdog with daddy issues, a black man with a character arc revolving around fatherhood, a triple agent paper-pusher that had a furry phase right in the middle of his midlife crisis, two women that are both alive and have agency of their own, and hell, even a young man with severe psychological issues that had a very strong bond with all of these people even though most of them aren't young and attractive white people and realises he can count on them all for support, are not as marketable as the cast of Crisis Core. Square knows this. You can't wring any sex appeal out of "happy supportive environment" or "female characters", since most of the fanbase tends to be straight women in their late teens and early twenties. So, everyone in both those categories gets shafted. And, as mentioned, the fans seem all to happy to run with this, given the overwhelming amount of material that seems to disregard everyone else in Cloud's life that wasn't Zack (and sometimes Aeris gets acknowledged because all she's good for anymore is a corpse to motivate Cloud) as unimportant, and not really his friends. 

The fact that the entire game seems to undermine the original's tone very badly almost seems like a nitpick at this point next to very intentional racism and sexism and pandering, but I'm gonna bring that up too. The new version of Zack's death scene flies directly in the face with how they were handled in the original game, and is more in line with Cait Sith's than anything else's -- that death isn't heroic, or glorious, or profound. It's just sad and fucking hurts, and it's something that happens. They made that pretty clear the first time around when he just gets gunned down on a cliff in complete silence. You can practically hear the "so it goes" in the background. Naturally, this time around they gave him an entire speech about dreams an honour and then when he dies he goes to heaven (on a planet with no heaven) and he's successfully become a hero. Fucking bravo. Or the bit where, as has been pointed out, you have a wacky scene where Zack meets a young Yuffie, and she skips off amongst the corpses of her people that Zack himself just finished making in the name of glory and imperialism (not a character flaw, though! He’s a good guy!). There's an astounding lack of self-awareness in everything the game does. 

AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD, and that's why I still debate whether or not it belongs in the Worst spot or not. It could have been great to see a non 49-second version of the friendship that eventually motivated Zack to die for Cloud, but then they forgot to write it, because why write that when you could have these four cutscenes with Genesis? It would've been great to see Aeris and her relationship with running from Shinra that caused her to grow up street smart and how that caused Zack to maybe question Shinra's motivations, but them they forgot to write it because HEY LOOK HERE'S SOME MORE WING SYMBOLISM WITH ANGEAL DO YOU GET IT THERE'S ONLY ONE OF THEM AND HIS NAME IS SPELLED ALMOST LIKE ANGEL, I'M WORKING WITH GENESIS NOW HIS NAME MEANS BEGINNING LOL. It could have been great to see Tifa getting her start with Avalanche, but after her obligatory cameo in Nibelheim she's swallowed into the void again because they forgot she was ever anything besides Cloud's love interest, and fuck you we gotta show you this Genesis scene in Modeoheim. It could have been great to meet a younger Barret, and wonder how at odds he would've been with Zack, a man who's been drinking the Soldier kool-aid for years, but instead we got Genesis reciting poetry. It could have been great to see the workings of Soldier before it all went to shit, but instead we got fucking goddamn Genesis. Genesis Genesis Genesis. 90% of the screentime in this game that should've gone to developing Zack's character for one fucking second, let alone other things, just gets eaten up by Genesis. God I hate Genesis.

1. Dirge of Cerberus.

I'll try and keep this brief because I can go on about Dirge of Cerberus all fucking day if you let me. 

If Crisis Core is terrible because it had the shadows of great ideas that were terribly mishandled in the name of turning a profit, Dirge is sort of its opposite, in that at no point did anything even remotely resembling a good idea come anywhere near the building this was being written in during the entirety of its production. It's bad. Thoroughly bad. There are no redeeming qualities. It's ugly, it plays badly, 90% of it is cutscenes* and the remaining 10% is invisible walls, the plot is a fucking mess by anyone's standards whether you're familiar with the franchise or not, it is the reigning fucking king of tone issues, the design choices are the worst of what Nomura has to offer by a country mile, and the characters are the worst Square has ever made in the Final Fantasy series. 

Vincent is the protagonist, and since he just wants a nap and is too cool to care that means you don't really give a rat's ass about what's going on either, which you wouldn't have anyway, because Dirge's plot isn't so much rife with plot holes as it is a giant, gaping hole, where bits of plot occasionally drift by, mangled beyond recognition by the plane crash in 1976 that claimed their lives. Did you know there was an even more secreter army living under Midgar that somehow survived the entire city being demolished with cosmic hellfire, a pandemic with no cure, and a giant sword battle dropping more debris on them? Did you know Hojo actually didn't die, he invented the internet in 30 seconds in his death throes and then invented the technology to upload minds to computers, AKA created a fucking goddamn technological singularity, and then uploaded himself in a .zip file until he could blow up the world for shits and giggles completely unrelated to anything even remotely having to do with Jenova? Did you know Lucrecia wasn't actually a terrible person that willingly carried Hojo's child and injected it with science juice for the sake of their careers, but was actually a really nice lady and is really sorry you guys, and was just an unwilling womb for Sephiroth to be birthed from, and was pretty much the Madonna? Did you know that apparently the Actual Goddamn Apocalypse wasn't enough to convince the Planet it was dying, but someone stabbing a few thousand people was? Did you know Reeve decided to call the events of the main game the "Jenova Wars" because he doesn't actually know what a war is? Did you know mako actually makes you live forever instead of giving you brain damage and killing you? Did you know the Lifestream is pretty much the same thing as the internet? Did you know Vincent was a paedophile? Did you know someone decided Genesis still needed to be fucking alive? 

Oh yeah, and also there are such stellar characters such as Red the Red, Blue the Blue, White the Clean, Black the I-Have-A-Jockstrap-Taped-Over-My-Mouth-Because-Fuck-You-Why-Not, and Orange the Clear, who is physically 9 years old but mentally 19 so it's totally not paedophilia if we have a weird romance between her and Vincent (never mind that if we're going by that logic, you now have a 19 year-old dating a 61 year-old, which is... not a whole lot better.) 

And hey, remember that one scene where Shalua completely unnecessarily died by holding a door she could've easily ducked through, and then she pissed herself upon death, and the game took the time to show the piss puddle, and Yuffie was super upset about it despite the fact that they never interacted even once but the writers forgot about that, and then after all that shit she didn't even die in her own melodramatic death scene, and then she did die anyway at the end of the game and all you can think about is the piss and god Shalua is so fucking pointless and looks so fucking stupid. Look at this hot mess: 

She’s a scientist! Or something. 

Even by Final Fantasy standards these designs are fucking ridiculous.

There is nothing redeeming about this game. It's like a gift that keeps on giving -- every time I look back at it, I discover a new plothole that I didn't catch the first time before. It's easier to hate than Crisis Core, though, which just makes me sad. At least Dirge never had anything going for it in the first place. I paid two bucks for my copy and I still feel ripped off.

* Okay, that’s an exaggeration -- 50% of it is cutscenes. Four hours out of an eight hour game is cutscenes. Do you realise how fucking many cutscenes that is? It’s a lot. (And yet not one of them has any plot in them HEYOOOO)