#basically none of my emotions are valid but that’s a very good thing

[bodhimcbodeface]

The way my OCD works is I feel like I’m having a strange unknowable crisis and I can’t put words to what I feel but it feels deep and meaningful and hurtful and then I’m like “oh that’s just the weasels, we ignore the weasels” and I’m fine

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

Been thinking about why the argument that OFMD is inherently a bad show because it's based on historical slaveowners so often feels disingenuous to me as a person of color.

HUGE disclaimer up front: if you don't wanna fuck with the show because of that premise right out the gate, that's 100% valid and I completely get that. I'm not talking about that. What I'm specifically talking about is White fandom people in particular who argue that OFMD must be "problematic" because of this, especially when they say this as some kind of virtue-signalling trying to win points in fandom wars, stuff like that.

My big thing is that the resemblance the characters in OFMD have to their real-world namesakes begins and ends with having the same name. The show feels more to me like it's playing with the vague myths around these names, not the people themselves. Can you make an argument that they should have come up with original characters instead? Sure, but let's be honest, even people who study the irl counterparts have very little knowledge of their actual lives, and the average person has all but none. To add to that, this show has absolutely zero interest in historical accuracy; the moment they cast a Jewish-Polynesian man as Blackbeard that became obvious. No one is saying the real-life Blackbeard and Stede Bonnet were good people, least of all the show itself; the point is that OFMD's versions are basically original characters already.

It always feels like an incredibly disingenuous claim to parallel the show to Hamilton, because Hamilton both did care about historical accuracy and also brought up the slave trade. Hamilton is uncomfortable for so many poc because it writes poc into the story of otherwise very faithfully portrayed racists, colonizers, and slaveowners and just handwaves the racism. In OFMD, racism exists, but the stance is always explicitly anti-racist and anti-colonialist in a way that is just so fun to see (whom among us has not wished to skin a racist with a snail fork?).

The other thing that sticks for me is...there's an appropriate amount of slavery I want to see in my romcoms, and that amount is none. I am so sick of historical fiction where Black characters are only there for trauma porn about the horrors of the slave trade. You can make a legitimate argument that OFMD is handwavey about the slave trade, but I'd argue that including discussion of the slave trade is something that should be done with such incredible care that it would leave us with a show that can't really be a comedy at all anymore. OFMD's characters of color are allowed to be nuanced, complex characters with their own emotions, and it's incredibly refreshing to see, and I'd much rather have that than yet another historical fiction show where the only characters of color are only there to make White audiences feel virtuous about how sad they feel for them.

In conclusion, I guess: every yt person who makes this argument to win points in a fandom war owes me and every other fan of color a million dollars

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Why did Felix hide from LB and CN in S5?

My dear anon, I wish I could provide you with an explanation full of such profound wisdom and clarity that you would speak my name with reverence for years to come. Alas, I cannot because, when viewed as a complete whole, Felix's season five actions make absolutely no sense from any perspective other than, "Well, if he acted logically, then the season would be over in about five episode or, at the very least, Adrien would have learned the truth which would lead to an identity reveal and we can't have that!"

To explain, let's quickly go over the various assumptions one might have made as season five went on and why they all fall flat by the end of the season:

At the start of the season, Felix's hiding away made some sense if you assumed that he was hiding from his uncle. This was a logical assumption since Gabriel should have viewed Felix as a massive threat that must be eliminated. After all, Felix was clearly no fan of Gabriel's and Felix also knew everything one would need to know in order to bring about Gabriel's downfall. None of that actually panned out - Gabriel basically ignored the Felix issue for the entire season in favor of being the world's most obnoxious Adrigami shipper and Felix, well, we're about to get into that- but it was initially a valid assumption.

Continuing along the logical path from our ultimately erroneous fear-of-Gabriel assumption, one might think that a person who was terrified of Gabriel would go straight to Gabriel's enemies for protection. However there was an argument to be made that Felix feared Ladybug and Chat Noir's wrath just as much as he feared his uncle. This was also a fair assumption. Felix had just betrayed them plus, in those early episode, most of us assumed that Felix was going to refuse to make sentimonsters of his own, so he'd have no protection if Ladybug and Chat Noir immediately went on the attack. These assumptions all proved false in the end, but they were all reasonable when the season started.

Another initially valid assumption was the assumption that Felix's ego mania and self-serving world view meant that he only trusted himself to take down Gabriel. After all, past seasons had shown Felix to be clever, resourceful, and deeply devoted to his mother, so it made sense that he'd be working on some brilliant plan to bring his uncle's downfall and restore his aunt if only for love of his mother. You could even add an assumption he even wanted to keep everything quiet for sake of the family image or just a simple desire for personal privacy.

These assumptions and all of the others stopped holding water after Emotion. In that episode, Felix was shown to be fine making sentimonster, fine outing his own secret identity to the world, and fine confronting his uncle directly without a real plan for stopping him long term. The closest thing to a grand plan that we get in Emotion is Felix demanding Ladybug give him her miraculous:

Argos: Ladybug! Good. Now we just need to wait for Cat Noir and you'll both give me your Miraculous! Ladybug: (livid) So that's it then?! You're working for Monarch! You're the reason why I lost the other Miraculous in the first place! And why he took them!! You gave them to him without any regard for the consequences it might have with the people of Paris! Argos: True, except I work for no one.  I only helped Monarch cause it served my plans! I needed the Peacock Miraculous and today I need yours and Cat Noir's so I can make my wish!

But if this was his master plan, then why did he do the Red Moon thing? That took Gabriel by surprise, but it didn't knowingly do the same for Ladybug or Chat Noir. Without knowing their identities, there's no way for Felix to reliably find them during the Red Moon incident since he's snapping everyone he sees out of existence, making it somewhat likely that he'd accidentally snap the very people that he's looking for. You can't even go the snap-everyone-and-look-through-what-remains-to-find-the-miraculous route because he snaps the person and all of their accessories, too. Otherwise he could have snapped Gabriel and gotten all the miraculouses back in one go, then grabbed the Ladybug miraculous as a fun little bonus.

In other words, everything about the Red Moon plan was focused around making a big, flashy entrance for Agros and little else. It's not even focused on stopping Gabriel since Felix doesn't seem to have planned to snap everyone away long term or at least I think that's what's going on here?

Kagami: Happy? When there's no one left?? Adrien: How can I be happy without my friends, without my father, without the girl I love?! Argos: You really think I'm that evil? (goes to open the trash bin where he hid Marinette...) Ta-da! (...only to find it empty; Adrien and Kagami peek inside, too) Huh? That's weird. (snaps his fingers in hopes of bringing back Marinette) Huh?! I don't understand! (backs away from the trash bin) She should come back! (continues to snap his fingers) Something's wrong! I can usually bring back whoever I want, but it's like she's nowhere! Like she's completely gone! (apologetically) I'm sorry, Adrien! Kagami: Sorry? You're sorry?!?! Adrien: You're not even in control of your own power! Don't you realize what you've done? Bring everyone back! NOW!!! Argos: Okay, okay, alright. I never meant to hurt you two...

Well that was anticlimactic....

Note how Felix doesn't take this opportunity to explain the danger his fellow sentimonsters are in before bringing back the people holding their remote controls? And what about his mother? Did he snap away his mother, too? And did he initially plan to perma snap everyone or not? If not, then what was the goal here?

This episode is confusing and could even be argued as a single, giant plot hole because it reads like a mental breakdown episode, but it's also a meticulously planned attack that was hinted at all the way back in Multiplication. So which was it? What was the master plan here? What's going on? Did the writers seriously do all that Felix stuff back in season four without fully thinking through how to make that work in season five?

After the mess that is Emotion, Felix basically gives up on whatever he was supposedly doing in Emotion. There's no master plan to stop Gabriel or make the world-changing wish or anything interesting. Instead, Felix is just there to be Kagami's Adrien replacement. Much like Adrien, Felix has no motive beyond "date the pretty girl and do whatever she asks of me." I guess it's a family trait.

One would think that this would lead to Felix making some interesting new plan to stop Tomoe or even joining forces with Ladybug and Chat Noir since he knows that Tomoe is in on whatever Gabriel is doing (Kagami wouldn't exist otherwise), but that's not what happens. We don't even get Felix going full senti's only because Adrien is left in the dark, a fact that doesn't seem to bother Felix or Kagami. They're too busy being in love to actually do anything to back the nonsense claim that they care about Adrien, but it's hard to blame them when it is so glaringly not their fault.

Letting these two have the sort of active role that would make sense for their characters would ruin the story the writers are trying to tell. We'd probably never get that whole "girl power" Bug Noire thing the show wanted to end the season with because Gabriel would have been stopped way sooner. It would also mean that Adrien knows things and the show can't allow that to happen even if it makes everyone involved look like massive tools. Let this be a reminder to you that you have to let your characters shape the path your story takes. If a character knowing X ruins plot Y, then you can't have both.

In summary, Felix's actions initially made some sense depending on your point of view, but as soon as he became a real part of season five, his character stopped making any sense. The reason for this seems obvious to me: you cannot write Felix logically while also actively including him in the show, keeping Adrien in the dark, keeping Gabriel a threat, and keeping Felix from flat out winning because the peacock is so ridiculously over powered. They wrote themselves into a corner and dumbed Felix down to get around the fact the same way Alya got dumbed down to make the Lila stuff work and Nathalie got dumbed down to make Gabriel's plot work. These writers aren't consistent at writing things like lore or characters, but they are incredibly consistent at the type of bad writing they have to fall back on. Expect to see more of these issues in the future.

[karuvapatta]

buckle up, I'm gonna bitch about Arcane season 2 for a while.

disclaimer: the animation and art direction is absolutely stellar, writing and voice acting is mostly solid, music ranges from good to amazing, sound design is great, and it's a great show overall.

HOWEVER:

There were so many interesting subplots and ideas, but not one of them had enough room to breathe or time to develop organically.

(spoilers under cut)

Caitlyn - I love the subplot about her becoming a fascist dictator and Ambessa's pupil, I really do. But then it sort of fizzled? She faced no repercussions for installing a police state and using chemical weaponry against civilians? The last one got to me especially - her mother built this system claiming that "the people of Undercity deserve to breathe" and Caitlyn then turned it against them. Okay, Vi and Jinx both called her out and it left to her rift with Vi, but... she's still in charge at the end, having seemingly learned no lessons?

Vi - uh, she was there. Sort of. Most of the time. Again, she joined the Enforcers, and it led to SOME conflict, but... is she going back to being an Enforcer? how does she feel about that? Who knows - Vi was mostly there for Cait and Jinx's subplots than her own.

Jinx - her subplot with Sevika and Isha was my second favourite thing about this season. The idea of her becoming a symbol and uniting Zaun is great. That little moment in the prison was awesome. But, ultimately - it didn't amount to much. Her sacrificing her life for Vi (or not, I don't know if she actually dies) didn't hit as much because we already knew she was actively suicidal.

Isha - had the potential to be super annoying, but like I said, I ended up really liking her character. Her death rubbed me the wrong way, however - it was very emotional, but the framing was very strange. Were we supposed to find it inspirational? Tragic but beautiful? Proof that Jinx isn't irredeemable?

Sevika - again: loved her, loved her interactions with Jinx and Isha.

Silco - I found it weird how this season consistently framed him as a good guy. Jinx and Sevika remember him fondly, he was the only thing holding Zaun together, there are cute flashbacks / AU versions of him and Vander being happy... he's a complex character and we love him for it, but let's not forget his many, many crimes.

Singed - kinda weird that he got what he wanted with no repercussions.

Mel - all right, her subplot bothered me perhaps most of all. Mel is a joy every time she's on screen, true, but last season she had been established as a savvy politician and businesswoman, motivated by her mommy issues, and a corrupting presence on Jayce. She pushed for progress at all costs to fulfil her own ambitions and prove something to her mother. That's a great setup! But what we got in s2 is... random superpowers out of nowhere. Mel always had power - she was the richest woman in Pilltover and basically ran its Council - but now instead of confronting her with the potential side-effects of Hextech, the consequences of her ambitions, and the futility of proving herself to her abusive warmongering mother, she just gets... more power. Out of nowhere. And validation from Ambessa. It was just weird.

Jayce and Viktor - easily the most compelling part of this season, and my favourite subplot. And STILL - it felt rushed and incoherent. I thought at first that Viktor would become jealous and resentful because Jayce is everything that he isn't, and I am honestly so glad they didn't take that route. But instead, Viktor gets... brainwashed by the Hexcore I guess? Ascends to a higher plane of existence? His Jesus Days and his cults were fascinating, but I didn't get the philosophy behind them at all. I can see why Viktor would want to shed his physical body for a machine that has none of its weakness, and how he might convince others to follow that path, but instead he chose to brainwash his followers and then assimilate the entire human race? What? There were so, so many potential sources of conflict between himself and Jayce - the Hextech weaponry Jayce built, Pilltover's fascist takeover of the Undercity, Jayce reviving him against his will and not destroying the Hexcore, accidentally poisoning Ekko's tree through their irresponsible use of Hextech... but the conflict we got didn't built on any of that. And I don't understand why.

(But I get you, Jayce/Viktor shippers. You won this round.)

[minnaci]

okay. whipped out my laptop again for apology tour. same disclaimers apply: i'm not a hellaverse blog (or, if i am, i'm very much in denial about it), i enjoy the show and the characters, and my opinions are informed by my personal lived experiences. apology tour spoilers ahead.

i've done a lot of scrolling through comments and posts since watching apology tour and, while many good points were made, i'm not sure that any of them sufficiently sum up how conflicted i feel about this episode. i'll try to hopefully stumble my way into a coherent analysis.

full warning, it will be blitz-centric, but there is enough nuance in my heart to be sympathetic to stolas, too. both of them fucked up! i just happen to identify more strongly with blitz.

tldr: the showrunners said it best. stolas is not quite as self-aware as he should be, and blitz... is blitz. cw for spoilers and discussions of american racism (particularly antiblackness) and classism.

this crux of the issue in apology tour continues to be miscommunication, which is heavily influenced by 1. both blitz's and stolas's pasts and 2. the sociopolitical context in which they operate.

1 . STOLAS

stolas was a victim of emotional neglect in his childhood, and then a victim of his emotionally abusive wife in his adulthood. he, as he so aptly implies in apology tour, has never truly felt wanted beyond what he could provide to his family. one of the only times we have ever seen stolas happy was at the circus as a child, where he developed a fleeting, parasocial admiration for blitz.

in this way, stolas is painfully, achingly relatable. while he grew up in a disgusting amount of material wealth, he has been deprived of the one thing you cannot buy with money: unconditional love. he yearns for the type of romance he reads about, the type of passionate desire that he watches in his telenovelas, and when blitz comes along— the one, shining memory in stolas's otherwise dull childhood— stolas falls into the fantasy.

and that's exactly what it is. in the beginning, stolas doesn't really want blitz. he wants what blitz represents— a charming, seductive figure to ravish him, to hold him close, to show him that he is desirable and make him feel wanted. it's a fantasy at the price of the key to stolas's job— a fantasy that is, from an outsider's perspective, easily explained by racial fetishization. more on this later.

to stolas, it's a small price to pay. the grimoire, a token piece of power to the goetias, in exchange for the one thing that stolas has always wanted? sign stolas up! stolas has never had to worry about his livelihood, nor his safety— not in any way that matters. not in any way that blitz would have had to.

stolas is ignorant. he is naive and unaware of how the world works. this remains true when he falls for blitz, when he plans to "set them free" (a la "when i see him"), even after he confesses and his fairy-tale fantasies come crashing down around him. he is not in a place where he can comprehend the effects of class on his relationships because it is not something he has ever had to consider before.

all that said, none of that invalidates the way that stolas feels when blitz explodes at him in full moon. stolas setting his boundaries at the beginning of apology tour ("i feel uncomfortable when you talk to me that way") is valid. it's actually an example of communication gone right in this episode, in that stolas explicitly communicates how blitz's actions make him feel.

his resultant upset when blitz keeps pushing him and antagonizing him is similarly valid. his decision to go to verosika's party is valid. my main point here is: while i don't particularly enjoy stolas's actions in full moon or even in apology tour, i can empathize with wanting to be wanted by someone so badly that it basically ruins your life.

again, stolas is ignorant. he lacks self awareness. he is emotionally immature and lacks empathy. but the message here isn't "rich people can't feel heartbreak", at least for me. the message is "even though he is hurt, stolas needs to understand that his actions have consequences, and that blitz experiences relationships (and the world) in a fundamentally different way than stolas as a product of the differences in socioeconomic contexts in which they were raised."

2. BLITZ

oh, blitz. where to start? this is where i admit that there are a lot of similarities between the way blitz and i grew up, and a lot of similarities in the ways that we view relationships now (read: i may project a bit. apologies in advance).

from when he was young, blitz has learned that the only successful type of love is love that is transactional. he loved his mother, and she died in a fire he started. he loved fizz and barbie, and he ruined their lives. the only "successful" love he has experienced is love where he provides something (read: gets "used") and receives something in return. so, unless he can provide something of value to his partner, blitz prefers to keep it casual. in blitz's mind, people don't care about blitz, and people shouldn't care about blitz. loving blitz has always been a recipe for disaster, because in his perspective, if he can't provide something to his lover that offsets the destruction that he causes, then he's not worth it.

it's normal for blitz to feel used. it's normal for blitz to feel less-than, or unwanted, or unloved, and it hurts blitz less to believe that. sex is fun. he can "do sex", and he can do sex good, and maybe to him, that's all that he can do good. he certainly can't hold down a relationship. his employees only care about him because he provides a stable source of income. his daughter only cares about him because he gives her shelter. it's normal. blitz feeling hated is normal, and the normalcy brings him so much comfort that he purposefully pushes people away to maintain that awful, vicious cycle of a status quo. it's a self-fulfulling prophecy.

blitz's approach to stolas in the beginning of apology tour is his desperate bid to return to normal. stolas being so short and angry with him is almost comforting— blitz knows how anger feels. he knows how hate feels. stolas is just another person who finally, finally realized what blitz knew all along— love is something that isn't possible for blitz, because he always fucks it up (at least in his perspective). and if stolas lets blitz fuck him, lets blitz provide this service to him, then maybe, blitz can "earn his way to earth" (read: "earn" stolas's affection back). affection, to blitz, is something for him to work tirelessly and endlessly to receive— a sisyphean affair. he is not ever intended to actually receive it.

stolas doesn't recognize this. stolas doesn't even try. but in stolas's defense, blitz doesn't exactly make it easy. i may empathize with blitz, but i think i would also be a little less prone to empathy if the object of my affections mocked my feelings by brushing them off in favor of sex and then screaming "GAY" in my face when i refused.

the rest of blitz's apology tour is borne out of pettiness towards stolas, because in his eyes, stolas is the one who wronged him. stolas was the one who accepted the rules of engagement with blitz (i.e., a transactional relationship: the grimoire for a bit of fun, kinky sex). stolas is the one who has all the power. stolas is the one who can choose to ruin blitz. stolas is the one who ruined the good thing they had going.

except... blitz doesn't really believe that. deep down, subconsciously, blitz knows he loves stolas, and by being in love, he's done to stolas what he did to his mother, to fizz, to barbie: ruined his life. maybe, if blitz could seduce stolas and make their relationship transactional again, he could correct their course and save stolas the pain of believing that blitz is deserving of love. it's a trolley problem: pull the lever, and blitz is the only one who gets hurt. let the trolley continue, and stolas will inevitably get caught in the crossfire of loving blitz.

blitz can handle a little pain. he handled it when his mother died. he handled it when fizz hated him. he handled it when barbie left him. he handles it over and over again, being used as tool for sexual pleasure or physical violence. he earns his pain, just as he feels he must "earn" the grimoire. just as he feels he must "earn" the little tokens of stolas's affection.

as an aside: the grimoire is more than a symbol of blitz's livelihood. it's a physical representation of the stark difference in class between blitz and stolas, as well as a representation of the transactional nature of all of blitz's relationships, not just the one between him and stolas. it is one magical book among thousands that the goetias own— a veritable drop in the bucket of the immense power, wealth, and influence that the goetias, and by extension, stolas, wield. that same book which is inconsequential to stolas and the goetias is everything to blitz. without the grimoire, he loses his job and everything that comes with it, including (in blitz's transactional view of relationships) millie, moxxie, and even loona's companionship. but i digress.

it's been said before that there is nobody who belongs at the blitz hate party more than blitz himself, and it's true— there is nobody in hell who could hate blitz more than he hates himself. because as much as he might present himself as a little dumb, he's anything but. he knows what he's doing will destroy him. he knows if he continues to do what he's doing, he'll "die alone", which, in some ways, is what he fears more than anything. he even tells verosika that he "doesn't want to be like this forever", but he can't seem to stop himself. he doesn't know how to stop himself.

after all, he's right. everyone hates him. it's evident in the party they've thrown for him. and the worst part thing is: it's his fault, and he knows it. he knows he's hurt all of these people, and even though he plays at callousness, he can't quite hide his hurt that stolas in particular won't hear him out. he can't hide his hurt that stolas can't seem to understand where blitz is coming from. because blitz does try to talk to stolas in apology tour. he tries to tell stolas what he's feeling, and how he regrets how he's spoken to stolas, but stolas is too drunk and too upset to care (which, btw, not blaming stolas for that. if i were a drinker, i'd be right there beside him).

stolas, in this moment, focuses entirely on himself and the pain that blitz put him through (again, not blaming stolas for that), but it tells blitz that stolas really, really does not care about him anymore, if he ever did. and wasn't that what blitz wanted? isn't that what blitz deserves? so it's easy to let a bigger, taller, more handsome, more suave imp sweep stolas off his feet and out of blitz's life. the imp is, by his t-shirt's estimation, "better than blitzo", after all. and don't they say that to love someone is to let them go?

verosika's advice to blitz only cements this. stolas is moving on. stolas deserves better. and blitz? all blitz deserves is to be used, so can he really be mad that some better imp is giving stolas what blitz never could? and again, blitz has dealt with the people he loves hating him before. his father sold him for $5. his best friend hated him for years. his sister still does. at least with stolas, he got the asmodean crystal out of it, and he won't lose the only semblance of companionship he has left.

3 - SOCIOECONOMIC CONTEXT

i saw a post that said that fans are focusing too much on the class difference between stolas and blitz, and i couldn't disagree more. in fact, i'd say that we are not focusing enough on the class difference between stolas and blitz.

all of stolas's ignorance is magnified tenfold by his lack of understanding of how their class and race difference colors their relationship. all of blitz's self-hatred and self-worth issues are exacerbated one-hundredfold by these same class and race differences.

classism and racism go hand in hand, especially in america. in helluva boss (and especially in the beginning of the stolitz dynamic), there is an implication of racial fetishization. blitz, the "lower-class" poor imp, fulfills stolas (an "upper-class" wealthy elite)'s fantasies of being "ravaged" and "taken" in his own home. stolas canonically enjoys the rough treatment, enjoys the taboo feeling of having blitz fuck him. it's very evocative of how some white american women fetishize and fantasize about black men— a fetish that has its roots in white supremacy (and especially the enslavement and ongoing oppression of black people in america.)

that said, in the context of helluva boss, it is very clear that blitz is aware of his socioeconomic standing the implications thereof— more aware than even stolas, who has ostensibly been educated on the social and economic nuances of the realm he helps to rule. he tries to tell stolas about how this difference in class affects him and amplifies his already awful self-worth ("you're a prince. it's hard to believe you would want me. that anyone would want me"), but stolas is incapable of hearing him.

all this to say, blitz is not solely to blame for their current relationship. that isn't to say that blitz is blameless. in fact, blitz isn't the most emotionally mature either— most of what i have written about him are things that i doubt he consciously realizes about himself. but stolas's ignorance and lack of willingness to consider where blitz is coming from, both emotionally and socioeconomically, make up a huge part of why stolitz continues to miscommunicate.

anyways. yeah. viv was right. things sure did happen.

[bobbydagen24]

comparing Brother Bear with TBT since their Both movies about Brotherhood and also Brother Bear just Randomly popped into my head again today.

I've loved Brother Bear for years I think its a very underrated Disney movie with nice songs cute characters and a cute story.

and I randomly started thinking about it earlier and then started comparing it to TBT since their both strongly focused on Brotherhood.

and I realised that for some reason Brother Bear doesn't bother me as much as TBT does even tho it technically has many of the same faults.

it Rushes over the interesting character Drama and it Rushes a conclusion to said Drama between the Brothers at the end.

like the scene in the main film of Kenai confessing to Koda is still fairly sad but its massively undercut by having the song play over it.

the deleted version of that scene where the song doesn't play and we get to hear the full version of Kenai's confession and Koda's reaction is available on youtube and its way more heart-breaking imo.

which I guess is why they didn't go with that version since it would have maybe been a bit too much for young kids.

but the movie also employs the gimmick of having the brothers come back together in the end to fight off a life threatening enemy and all is seemingly forgiven between them straight away afterwards.

I guess one reason why BB doesn't bother me as much as TBT is that Kenai actually grows throughout the film despite wronging Koda in a massive way.

and Koda forgiving him too quickly in the ending is not as bothersome because we didn't see Kenai mistreat him the entire film up until the point he found out.

and he didn't then proceed to hurt him again in arguably just as bad a way as he did before like Bro zone did.

instead Kenai did grow in the film and he and Koda already had a healthy relationship prior to the reveal and later confession.

plus what they had throughout the film was genuine sibling banter it wasn't one sided like Bro zone's interactions were with Branch where it was basically just them treating him like a kid and not taking his Valid feelings seriously.

and when Kenai confesses to Koda he's a lot more openly remorseful and tries to go after him to make things right Bro zone just get a brief 4 second shot of them feeling bad and then the movie moves on.

not to mention the climax of BB involves Kenai making a sacrifice for Koda first off he puts his own life in danger in order to save him from his Brother Denahi. and at the very end he makes a big sacrifice ( staying as a Bear so he can stay with him even tho it means leaving behind his human life and not being able to openly communicate with his family )

which somewhat works as an act of love and redemption whereas the climax of TBT involves Bro zone being forced to work together in order to save their own lives as well as the life of the Bro who none of them wronged all that much tbh.

it doesn't really work as a first step towards them redeeming themselves and fixing their family because its kinda selfish and it didn't involve them really making any sort of personal sacrifice or even that much effort.

ya know its funny I just thought I'd make this post as a Random little thought since that's all this was I didn't actually expect to talk in depth and compare the movies stories this much lol.

I just started typing and got carried away 😂😂😂😂😂😂

anyway in short I love Brother Bear its a very adorable film and while its far from perfect in how it handles its story its flaws don't stop me from enjoying it.

since it still handled the more important parts of the story well enough.

unlike with Trolls 3 best thing I can say about it is that the movie version of "" Better Place "" is a legit great little song and frankly its too good for this film.

the story didn't earn such an emotional music piece in my opinion.

[riah-yorke-lex]

Spoilers for Sonic Prime, like all of it.

^^^^^^^^^^

Sonic has ADHD and Nine has autism.

I mean I know the regular headcanons for Sonic and Tails are already there, but hear me out.

Neurodivergent people have trouble communicating a lot of times and miscommunicate.

Btw I have both, so I’m just speaking from my own experience.

Both characters are flawed. Sonic has lost his entire home and friends. Nine never really had friends and prefers to be alone.

Anyone who wants to say Nine is a villain can leave my page.

It’s a kid’s show, and Nine is the second most important character. The writers won’t kill him off or make him pure evil. Sonic will make up with everyone and find ways to save everyone in the end. Sorry to ruin suspense, but it is a kids show. I’m not saying that means it can’t have awesome character arcs. (ATLA has awesome character arcs, betrayal and redemption + lots of dark elements, but none of the main characters DIED)

Nine will probably cause something bad to happen in his rage, constructing something dangerous with the shards or he’ll cause the entire council to come after him, or both. Nine might cause something bad to happen and then feel guilty and help Sonic. If sonic can find a solution that doesn’t destroy those living in the shatter spaces, then Nine would probably come around. I don’t think Sonic realizes the consequences of his actions.

And that’s just the thing. Sonic jumps into every situation without thinking it through, something which irritates everyone around him. Meanwhile, Nine is incredibly methodical and thoughtful in his approach. Nine is driven by LOGIC while Sonic is driven by EMOTIONS. Not to say Nine doesn’t have emotions and can’t lose control, as we will likely see in S3. However, it’s generally how their brains work.

Sonic is gullible and falls into lots of traps. He isn’t all that smart. He’s good at thinking on his feet, but he often doesn’t think before he leaps into something. Shadow did mention about how the people in the shatterspaces aren’t real or whatever. He means that if they just put the prism back together, all those variants will cease to exist since they are all just different parts of the originals. Sonic sees them as real people though, and wants to help them, but he also desperately wants his reality back. He doesn’t realize that Nine would likely cease to exist if he simply put the prisms together. This would devastate sonic if he found out.

Nine is very rational in his actions. He doesn’t feel he can trust anyone as he has been traumatized by the world he grew up on. He longs for a place of solitude, a place he can go to whenever he needs to be away from everyone. He’s rather sit in his own head with his inventions. He wants Sonic to join him here because Sonic is the first friend he ever had. He intentionally doesn’t tell Sonic everything, because he has thought this through. He hopes Sonic will see his side and see him as a real person and not just another version of Tails. Sonic has an issue of projecting his vision of Tails onto Nine. He does it because he misses Tails. I know Sonic, DOES respect Nine as his own person, but Nine does not understand that, and Sonic, not thinking before he speaks, says something hurtful. Nine can come across as selfish, but all he wants is a safe place. As a neurodivergent person, that is so relatable. Sonic’s safe place is Green Hill, and he wants its back. From what we know (although I’m sure they’ll find a solution where everyone can live, again, it’s a kids show), those two things cannot coexist. If Sonic realizes this, he’ll realize he has to sacrifice his shatterapace friends to get Green Hill back, and is that a good thing after all? Nine is scared for his life basically, as he might not exist anymore. It’s a very valid fear.

They didn’t communicate their needs to each other because they were in the middle of fighting the council and didn’t have time to think it through, plus Sonic is impatient and also bad at communicating.

Nine is NOT a villain. He’s a traumatized autistic kid who has trouble thinking with other people’s needs in mind. Sonic wants to help EVERYONE, even people he doesn’t like much like Dread and Shadow, but he doesn’t consider the wider consequences of his actions.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[kraro-school-life]

10.4.24 Day 7+8/60

No pretty format this time. I considered not posting but I ultimately decided to still do it. Wait, this sounds way too serious... It's not lmao. I just don't feel great right now, very disoriented and just not able to do anything properly. (Remember to drink enough water after crying, you need to stay hydrated!!)

I felt terrible for not doing anything "productive", but then I realised that it basically just means achieving a good result. And if my objective is getting through the day and be fine at the end, then I'm doing better than I thought.

Navigating emotions is hard enough, but validating them even more. Taking in, that there are ups and downs, is also hard. But I'm doing great! Even if it takes up all my energy and leaves none for additional things, "surviving" is a valid goal, right?

Stop shaming yourself for not doing the most if all what you phisically/ mentally can do is the minimum! It`s enough for now.

This is a reminder for myself that tomorrow is a new, fresh day and you'll always have a chance to start over, whatever it may be.

[dainobones]

Red at Dainisa High School is such a fun idea! What would everybody's dainisa powers be?

thanks for the validation of my terrible niche time consuming idea lmfao

honestly i'm not sure!!!! dainisa can use magic in a variety of ways if they know how to channel it, but most of them don't ever learn to do that bcuz of [gestures at the whole broken diaspora community deliberately deprived of their cultural heritage and knowledge. thing.] so usually when i think about dainisa-in-pokemon, i think it'd be fun for them and their pokemon to kinda bounce powers off each other? like a dainisa may have an innate fire magic ability but through their bond with their greninja they can use water magic. and vice versa. and i think that'd make team rocket's exploitation of pokemon all the worse -- it's meant to be this loving friendship bond and here's giovanni being like "mewtwo and i hate each other so much it gives me telekinesis"

all that to say i'm not set on all these ideas but my initial thoughts are like. informed by x-men and elves (which is what dainisa basically are) and vibes. here's some concepts for some characters:

red = the sun. but he's gotta grow into all that power. he'd start off just being able to talk to pokemon, maybe some healing, but he'd be really bad at a lot of the sensory stuff nova was really good at (i.e. he can't sense magic that well). silent trilogy was a lot of 'seeing the sun through distortion' so it'd be good to write the opposite of that.

gold = venus guided. i think i want him to be kinda like an airbender, that seems like it'd have a lot of dynamic fun things that go well with his whole billiards playing sk8r boi schtick

black = mercury guided. i kinda like the idea of him having fire & electric magic, cos both are things you can easily lose control over and be very anxious about, and also cos well. Reshiram and Zekrom.

N = jupiter guided. he'd have empathy and some precognition. he's peak 'being able to sense someone's emotions doesn't mean you understand them'.

green = mars guided. i want the oaks to be known for nature / plant magic (hence. name.), and i think i want it to be like. green's dad is jyju (translation: elf royalty) but prof oak's renounced the whole system of rule, what will green do??? in which case i wonder if making green a technopath who has little exposure to technology would be something.

blue = everyone's like "??? a siren???" and no she's just manipulating you. i think teleporting would be good but it may make her too OP, crow hotfire was super nerfed by those bitch angels. maybe she's just got magical pickpocketing. is that something? i think i'm running out of somethings.

silver = ice magic. it's no deeper than that. do not ask any questions. leave him alone.

ash ketchum = super strength. and aura powers. it's canon. like i'd plan for every single episode of the anime (95% of which i havent seen) to be canon stuff that happened to ash like 10 years ago. he's red's super cool cousin who red wants to be just like.

steven stone = uh..... rocks. he has a son named jon, he's pretty whiny.

and of course giovanni = the moon. he has no innate magic of his own, and his body can store magic but can't produce it. he can only use magic if he steals it from others, only it doesn't work very well or last for long -- unless he steals it from the sun...........

i have a bunch of other small stuff in mind too, like. i LOVE Kieran and Carmine, what if they're half-dainisa half-human and Carmine has some cool magic but Kiki got none??? can i make Kiki's breakdown worse???? or what if Bede is also an empath and N meets him and is like "wow this guy sucks so bad it's making me realise things about myself". or Gladion being able to control shadows with his twisted emo mind.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY:

there's a thing in transformers lore that starscream has what basically amounts to a "mutated soul" and therefore cannot die. there are no other documented cases of mutated souls it's just a starscream thing. i want that for volo. people think he can't die bcuz he messed with giratina and time and arceus or w/e but no his soul was just made wrong and now nobody, not even god, can destroy it.

thanks for indulging me through all this rambling anon i have no idea if i will ever write this but it's fun to think about!!!!

[smile-files]

i'm not going to fucking tell you which mutual i am but if you think the israeli hostages deserve to be free as well then i'm breaking the mutual. this is your warning

um i'm sorry, i don't mean to be rude, but...

i am entirely against israel on every front and i believe everything they're doing is absolutely disgusting, cruel, and repulsive.

but that doesn't mean i think civilians deserve to be separated from their families...

i'm not saying that what the israeli hostages have gone through is any way comparable to what palestinian hostages have gone through... i was just very briefly noting that israelis/jews are allowed to be happy that they're safe/their loved ones are safe, but that they should still be aware that their country is still doing horrendous things to palestinians and that their hearts should still be with the palestinian hostages, no matter what happiness/relief they themselves are currently feeling.

i'm genuinely sorry if i made you think i was on israel's side in any way. by no means am i on their side. but if i'm being honest i'm kinda icked out that you think that innocent civilians (in any context) deserve to be held hostage... nobody should have to go through anything like that. nobody deserves that. um.

and honestly i'm kinda bothered how you're making it seem as if i'm suddenly being zionist, when i'm not? i really hope it doesn't make me a subscriber to a certain cause to think that people are allowed to be happy when they're allowed to go back to their families? is that not the most basic sort of sympathy we're supposed to have?

anyway, without a doubt, from the river to the sea, palestine will be free. i have tried to make a statement to my jewish peers that we should not just be caring about ourselves and our family members, that the atrocities happening to palestine should be our heart's top priority -- that is what i was trying to get at in that reblog. i'm sorry if i have not made my stance clear. brief sympathy towards the everyday people who have been mildly hurt is in no way trumping my resounding sympathy towards the everyday people who have been and still are horribly hurt. because i am jewish and unfortunately surrounded by zionists, a lot of what i say will inevitably fall into the camp of "trying to make my fellow jews sympathize with palestinians and stop being so self-centered"; i am by no means trying to validate their cruel, callous self-centeredness, either in acknowledging their happiness regarding the freedom israeli hostages (who may well be their loved ones -- why, i have relatives in israel) or otherwise. i am trying to break down their self-centeredness, and that will never happen if i invalidate the emotions they justifiably feel

(and none of this is to say that gaza isn't allowed to retaliate, either -- it's just that those who end up getting caught up in that don't deserve the situation they've been brought into more than anyone else. i know, it isn't a war, and the power imbalance is massive, but in any event this sort of conflict necessarily harms innocent people on both sides. i'm not trying to pull a card of "why is nobody thinking of the israelis, wah wah", because i know israel has done far worse to palestinians. but we must recognize that these israelis are people, and people's loved ones, and it does us no good to make those people think we want them all dead. that certainly won't change their minds, if they are indeed zionists.)

i'm incredibly sorry for upsetting you. if you feel like breaking the mutual, it is your right. i'm sure you've been a lovely mutual to have, and i hope you have a great day/night, anon

[c0pernicus]

I feel like I never really see people talk about just how bad the long term effects of prolonged abuse, or C-PTSD can really be in people, especially young people, and I wish it was talked about more.

I pretty much never talk about my own experiences for safety reasons, because I would always receive a whole mess if I did choose to try and tell others what I went through, and maybe that's what has made my experience with C-PTSD so bad, but its genuinely so debilitating.

The burn out, the exhaustion, the body aches and horrible sleep schedules and inability to maintain a job because my emotions and brain had really never recovered even years- half a decade- after everything stopped. The digestive issues, the memory problems, the entire lack of a sense of identity and self. The lack of want to put effort into my identity and self.

I feel like I'm chronically searching for someone that's supposed to be me. Constantly, I'm stuck now trying to validate a sense of self I no longer possess. Old passions, old hobbies, old things I liked and enjoyed- It feels like I've been stripped down to bone and nothing sticks anymore. If I have an interest it's very fleeting and I usually will drop it once I find I start to enjoy it, as if its been so heavily ingrained in my brain that peace and happiness and to just enjoy things isn't something I'm allowed. I've become incapable of thinking anything even neutral about myself at this point. I don't believe nearly anything anyone else says to me, and I feel very passive towards others in general if I'm not terrified of them instead. I lack friends and connections, and I constantly hide away from others.

I'm constantly frozen. I can't function on even a basic level if someone else is present in my home; I have to be doing what they're doing, or engaged in some way with what they're doing (Watching, observing, next to them at the very least and quietly doing something unobtrusive) or I can't do anything at all. If I am left alone I'm riddled with anxiety and my mood plummets, my intrusive thoughts are constant and like a horrible movie montage I can't turn off. Trying to lay down and sleep is no better, for years I've been stuck having to just occupy my brain until I pass out.

It's a constant ghost I just can't seem to exorcise from myself. No amount of trying to forgive or forget or let go or move on or accept has made a pebbles difference in the mountain I'm stuck under. I forget everything and anything except for what caused all of this; my wife and friend constantly cut me off to tell me that they've already heard what I'm telling from before from my own mouth, and they I know there are times where they let me continue like it's the first time I've ever told them the fact or the story and I'm simply none-the-wiser. I can't remember things I've done, things I need to do, events or recent days even. I feel stupid and airheaded on the best days, and I know it shows to others because they've told me before.

Work is hard because of the anxiety, the agoraphobia, the memory problems, the health problems. I'm sick constantly; I can't eat or retain food, I have the flu, I've caught Covid for the 8th time despite trying to be good about cleanliness when I leave the house and return. I can't eat a lot of food without being in pain, with it going right through me or sitting like a rock in my stomach for several days. My joints ache more often, my muscles are sore, my traps are solid to a concerning degree from the daily stress of just living with it all. I can't remember the last time my eyes weren't sunken in and purple-blue.

Therapists have only wanted to slap me with a diagnosis and an array of medications- none of which have worked. I've been told it's depression, it's anxiety, it's PTSD, it's bi-polar, it's BPD, it's psychotic depression, it's schizoaffective, it's DID. The DID one threw me for a loop, I'm not going to lie, but the rest were believable enough. I don't look at my medical charts anymore, so I don't know what I have or haven't been branded with by now. The meds and talk therapy never help, I never feel release, I don't believe words anymore- especially from strangers. The meds make the brain fog worse, or I feel numb, or people don't like the person I've become, or my self harming gets much worse, or I just want to kill myself enough to really try to.

Stress tips me over the edge so easily. The hallucinations suck and I resent them. They're a one way ticket to being unemployed and unfunctional for potentially months at a time, and it's humiliating after the fact as well. The last time I had a bad episode I believed there was a man living in my closet, and I couldn't go inside of it. I would hear him moving around inside, he'd yell and get so angry if you opened the door. I've thankfully forgotten the name I gave him; it was something stupid for sure.

I've become a miserable ghost, and I don't see any light at the end of the long tunnel. There is no way back to my body. I'm just lost and wandering and witnessing but never participating. It hurts the most to think of how I was before too many things piled up; the passion and the drive and the creativity. Always making something, always doing something, there was always some project or plan or thing I was doing that I felt pride for. I didn't care if I was weird to others, because I was confident in myself.

I just lay down now, when I can. I do my dishes and my laundry, I try to shower when it doesn't make me nauseous to. I take care of my cats and I work jobs infrequently. I sit with my parents disappointment in who I've become like it's an old friend, and we share coffee and reveries.

I exist, begrudgingly. That is the only thing I try to take pride in now.

[neuroticboyfriend]

Hi, I hope you don't mind this ask, I just kind of- wanted a space to verbalize some of my thoughts on my complicated feelings about my own disability. And, idk, maybe this could resonate with some other people too.

Basically, I've sort of considered myself disabled for a little while, because, well. A disability is something that impacts your ability to function and carry out tasks and activities, and my abilities to do those things is certainly impacted. But I always felt guilty for thinking of myself like that, because most of my struggles felt like they only impacted the things I did for leisure, and it felt like I was being overdramatic. Even now, it still feels weird to call myself disabled, like I'm doing something wrong.

I say all of this because it's set-up to the fact that I recently realized that I have a lot less functioning than I thought I did. I am in school, and I have good grades, which is a large part of why I was dismissing everything. But I realized that I still only take four classes, and they're all decently easy work (as in, the intellectual work I have to put into them isn't particularly high), and yet I still rarely go to a full week of classes and can't do much outside of school once I get home from a school day. I do eat regularly, but that's mostly because I'm lucky enough to still live with my very nice father who's willing to cook for me, and when he's not around, I essentially don't eat food that takes any preparation beyond "open a container".

And. It was a very strange experience to come to this realization, and instead of being saddened by it, feeling happy and lifted up. Instead of being crushed by the weight of things I couldn't do, it felt refreshing to newly recognize how surprisingly short my limits are.

Now that I think on it, I believe I know why I felt that joy. On some level, I'd already known my limits, and loathed everything they kept me from doing, but I'd never really made the mental connection that those limits were due to my disability. In addition, it felt legitimizing to my struggles to realize that there was a deeper reason than I'd thought as to why I struggle despite having an easy life. (Of course, disability isn't the only legitimate reason why someone can struggle, but it's hard to apply things you logically know to your own emotions sometimes)

So. If anyone else is still reading this, I guess what I want to say is that it's okay to be glad that you're disabled, or for your first reaction to realizing that you're disabled/more severely disabled than you'd thought to be joy. It can bring you a sense of validation to finally feel like you have a reason for struggling with things most other people seem to find easy. It isn't selfish, and it isn't just "having an excuse to be lazy" or "invading the space of real disabled people".

thank you for sharing your experience; i relate to this, too. and this kinda reminds me of how i felt about being fat. for the longest time, i felt like i was too fat, and didnt deserve to take up so much space. it lead to me having a really distorted, hateful view of my body.

but once i encountered fat liberationists, many of whom were actually bigger than me, things changed. i saw them be happy and fight back. they taught me to stop blaming myself. the fategories allowed me to see myself in relation to other fat people, instead of skinny people through BMI.

im between small-mid fat, but BMI says im morbidly obese. for a while i thought i was just comforted by the idea that i wasnt as fat as I thought i was, but that felt fatphobic to me. until i realized, it was that i realized i wasn't too much, because none of us (fat people) are. all bodies are different, and that includes size, too.

the comfort ultimately came from finally being able to look at my body and see *me* - not the skinny person i was "supposed to be." i was humanized, as who i really am. in both cases - disability and fatness - its recognizing the reality of our existence that affirms us.

[takerfoxx]

The Owl House, Season 3, Episode 2, "For the Future," First Impressions!

I knew this was gonna be big.

I knew this was gonna be emotional.

I did not know it was going to hit me like it did, or for the reason that it did.

I wasn't expecting this episode to speak to me personally the way it did, I really wasn't. I was gearing up to see what the Collector had done to the Boiling Isles; to be reunited with Eda, King, Lilith, Hooty, and the rest; to finally see Luz's palisman, to see what Belos was going to do, and all that other stuff that we've been speculating for months about.

Instead, this episode hit me in a way that I haven't experienced very often. It spoke to my own experiences.

I'll cover the lesser (but still very important) moment first, and surprisingly it came from Willow.

Now, I haven't talked much about Willow. She's fine! She's an important part of the cast! But let's face it: for character discussion, she just kept getting overshadowed by the absolute angst factories that are literally every single other main character. Even Gus had more going on in that department!

But like everyone else, it seems that I've been taking her for granted. It really does suck to be the reliable one, to be the one expected to carry the team, to be the one to set your own problems aside for the sake of other people. I've been there, many times. And honestly, like Willow, I'm kind of nearing a break down of my own. You really do start to feel like you don't matter, that your own hurt is unimportant, but if you don't take it on the chin and keep truckin', everything will fall apart and it'll be all your fault.

So yeah, I'm glad that they gave her that moment. Maybe it got tied up a little too neatly and could have stood to have been foreshadowed a little more in previous episodes, but then again, maybe that was the point.

The other moment should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me and has read my other comments on this show, and it serves as a MASSIVE emotional payoff to my one big gripe about The Owl House, one that I've had since the very first episode.

So, we all remember that camp Luz was being sent to, right? Remember all the fuss people kicked up over it, saying that it was basically conversion therapy and that Camilla was abusive for sending her there. It was a real point of contention for a while.

And I'll admit, I was one of those people. I'm neurodivergent myself. I'm autistic and have ADHD, and my parents tried a number of bullshit methods to make me "normal." It was all with the best of intentions, and none of them were as bad as sending me to conversion therapy, but it does mean it is something I'm pretty sensitive about. So when I saw that flyer, I just got the most uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, how could you do that to your child? And since that was literally the last thing we saw Camilla doing until Yesterday's Lie (aside from a couple quick Vee segments), that feeling stayed for a long time.

Obviously everything we learned changed my perception. Like I've said before, I think the writers realized their whoopsie and made sure to address that, and they did so in the best way possible: weave it into the storyline and use it for character development. Vee's friends showed that maybe the camp wasn't as bad as we feared, Luz really did have behavioral problems that needed addressing, and Camilla was a harried single mother still grieving her husband just trying to do what was best.

But we also learned more about Luz. She wasn't acting out just because she's a wacky kid with ADHD. Maybe that contributed, but she was acting out because she was also grieving. Her father was her bedrock, the guy that truly understood her and kept her grounded, and with him gone, she was desperate for some kind of validation. Her antics were a cry for help, which is why the Boiling Isles was so good for her.

Seeing those two finally sit down and talk about what happened really hit me where I live. They're both neurodivergent weirdoes that have tried to hide what they are to fit in and were deeply hurt by losing the one person that understood them, and in the process unintentionally hurt each other. I loved this. It reminded me of Entrapta's "Imperfections can be Beautiful" speech from She-Ra.

And as it so happens, that bit of honesty is what was needed to finally awaken Luz's palisman. Everyone? Meet Stringbean!

I love the cheeky little references to everyone's speculations of what Luz's palisman might be. And as it turns out, everyone was kind of right! In keeping with the theme of Luz's palisman choosing what it wants to be, it's a snakeshifter! Oh, that is clever.

But also, snake people were also right. Personally I was thinking spider, but even so. We have our new baby!

Oh God, Luz has a staff. Everyone, fear her.

Speaking of palismans, Hunter is still grieving the loss of Flapjack and NOT doing okay, but I'm glad he got that catharsis of realizing that Flapjack is still literally a part of him. It's small solace, but it is something. And as a lot of people predicted, he now has the magic that he formerly could only use through technology. The poor boy, though. I'm glad he and Willow are starting to inch toward one another. They do seem right for each other.

Okay, time to talk about plot stuff!

The Hexside stuff was a ball. I did sort of call Boscha's minions being Kikimora, though it didn't click that her big robot was involved until a few moments before the reveal. And give it up for the best tribute to the best principal!

I miss you, Principal Bump.

Also, credit for Mattholomule for stepping up! Gotta say, he's looking a lot like his big brother now, so much so that for a second I really thought that he was Steve!

I do hope Boscha gets some comeuppance. Not a whole lot, just some humble pie. Willow really owes her a smack. Still, I did crack a smile when Boscha desperately begged for Amity back. Amity was Queen Bee, and Boscha was her sycophantic minion, and can't do it without her, lol!

Now, the Collector!

I do feel sorry for this kid, despite the damage he's doing. I mean, the Collector is just a kid, one that was alone for a really, really long time, was betrayed several times, and doesn't fully understand what he's were doing. Doesn't excuse the pain he's caused (okay, the Terra thing was pretty funny, and we all love to see Odalia get humilated), but it is understandable, at least.

We also get some lore! Collectors literally collect living beings, which explains what that long one was doing to the owl beast, and why the Titan Trappers called our Collector the Great Hunter. But they are also predisposed to wipe out mortals that interfere with their affairs, which our Collector doesn't care for.

Huh, I wonder who sealed the Collector. Was it their natural enemies the Titans, or his own kind for not going along with their genocidal tendencies?

Speaking of villains, damn it Belos, why you gotta be so creepy? Does that mean all of his bodies are former Golden Guards and he possesses each one once they've been used up? No, wait, he still has the broken nose Lilith gave him. Regardless, possessing Raine will not end well for him. But you can't say he doesn't know how to manipulate the Collector, the poor kid.

Man, I know he was probably hallucinating those ghosts, but it would be really cool if they were real and drag him down to Hell or whatever.

Glad Eda and Lilith are doing okay, and that Hooty managed to at least regain some sanity. Seriously, the hell is he even? Also, I actually like that Lilith is going back to her old hair color.

What else, what else, what else?

Okay, where is Steve and the rest of the CATTs? I want my boy! And Katya! I will continue to uphold my fanfiction queen until the day I die!

Also, damn it, Edric! Stop hurting yourself!

[hipsofsteel]

experiencing thoughts i just need to write down

in the intro/advanced playwriting combo class today, there was a gentleman who had a short piece about a 90 year old father who was no longer safe to be at home and what i have to assume was at least a mid-fifties son who is acting as primary caretaker while not living in the house

the father has refused to move into a care home, and the core of the piece was basically an argument that the son and father are having where the father insists hes absolutely fine and safe to be trusted driving, taking his own meds (whichs hes forgotten to do three days in a row), and having nightly fires in his house's fireplace.

the son is so frustrated with his father not even trying to take care of himself ("i set alarms on your phone so you'd remember to take your meds" "i wont use a phone you young people are too addicted to them, besides im fine after three days without them, i don't need them").

its clear that if there was a semblance of a good relationship ever existing between the father and son, it died when the son's mother went to the grave before her husband.

our professor was like "you can really sympathize with both men at different points in the narrative, especially since the son is being so aggressive at moments with his father", and all the class agreed.

except me, although i didn't say SHIT in class, because i was not ready to explain my emotions and years of trauma to eleven people randomly today

CONTINUED BELOW THE READ MORE

There is one aspect I can sympathize with. The loss of autonomy is terrifying to me in old age. on that, I felt for the father. its hard to go from family breadwinner to unable to move around your own home very safely, and being encouraged to give up even more autonomy by moving into a care home.

however, the class kept saying the son was being so aggressive and clearly something unrelated in his life was stressing him and he was taking it out on his father.

and all i could think was "none of you have incredibly emotionally abusive parents, do you?"

now, thats just an assumption im making. i don't know these people's home lives and familial relationships. but let me just say, i heard myself in that son. so loudly that i sent my sister a message we've sent each other over and over for years

"I hope dad dies before mom."

my dad's mother is still alive, and currently in a care home for the last eighteen months. she had a favorite son who could do no wrong among her five children. she also had a least favorite son who she, after the death of her husband, emotionally abused the shit out of.

that least favorite son was my dad.

my dad, even before his father's death, was emotionally abusive. and im so used to this bullshit from him that like, a part of me doesn't even consider him THAT emotionally abusive. yet this is a man who told me when i was in grade school that if i was crying about being bullied, then i deserved to be bullied. WHEN HIS FATHER WAS STILL ALIVE

so, since 2009, when my grandfather died, my father has taken out every frustration his mother shoved on him onto my sister and me. and my mother has repeatedly told us to swallow our tongues. we cant defend ourselves because "your grandma is really upsetting him, and he just needs to blow off steam"

i was repeatedly told my emotions were not as valid as his.

this was repeated when he became an alcoholic. i had a standing recommendation for therapy from the trauma he was giving me over my entire life, and mom said "you cant go to therapy until your dad gets sober". and the sad thing is, i feel like the last major lull in my dad's emotional abuse was when he WAS drinking. sometimes, i fucking miss those days, even though I had to act like a primary caretaker to him during those days.

my mother even to this day describes my father as "her cross to bear", but every occupant of this house is bearing him, and it makes me so mad because again, its saying "your emotions don't matter"

in the play scene, after the father all but forces his son to admit that taking care of him is a stressful burden by all but shoving the words into his mouth, the father openly throws in his sons face "oh, if im such a burden, why do you keep caring for me?" and the son goes "because i promised my mother i would, and YOU taught me promises meant something." and the father goes "well, clearly not. you don't give a shit about promises if you wont let me live how i want to live"

and that filled me with such deep seated rage, because my classmates kept saying how you could tell the son had something UNRELATED going on in his life to make him yell at his father the way he was, and i was internally screaming "THIS FATHER IS MY FATHER AND THE SON IS ME AND ITS NOT UNRELATED, ITS YEARS OF BUILDING RESENTMENT AS YOU'RE TREATED LIKE GARBAGE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN"

there is so much hate and love fused together in my soul at the man i call father already. so much resentment and anger that has to live alongside the rarer and rarer moments he shows me kindness and compassion. and if he lives as long as his mother has managed, i have over 30 more years of this anger to build on.

my grandmother has never apologized to my father, and her memory's so bad now that i know she never will. and I know my father will do the same to me. he treats all the other residents of the house like hysteric harpies who should never be listened to because we're just dumb emotional women. when my grandmother dies, my father will not be able to say anything nice at her funeral. i, at age 25, already know i will not be able to say anything nice at his.

and now, im left holding the bag that this piece dredged up out of my soul. its ugly, and screaming, and i was unprepared to look at it today despite 100% knowing it was there and looking at it before. and yet, there it is. dumped back into my lap once more.

and im left with one terrible prayer, a sort of inevitable conclusion

I hope my dad dies before my mom.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Have you been to hospital about your injuries? They sound bad .:/ Anyways, I hope you feel better soon. 💐

Thanks so much!

Well, they really aren’t THAT bad. The stab wound did hit the bone, but where it didn’t have to go far. The wound isn’t too deep, or too big. It didn’t hit any major blood vessels or anything. The knife was incredibly sharp, and despite the fact I was cutting hose it was rather clean. I immediately washed it well and so forth. It all could have been much worse.

It’s healing up astonishingly fast, actually. It’s stopped bleeding and the inflammation has gone. I REALLY didn’t expect it to recover this fast. It’s not like when I slammed the car door on my finger back in September. I may have a little scar, but eh, it’s not like anyone cares.

As for a hospital, yeah, no. I’m not sure I’d even go to one if I was dying. I have no money. I have no insurance. There is no hospital in my county even if I wanted to go. I can’t imagine wanting to go after certain traumas I’ve endured a the hands of abusive healthcare professionals.

Without going into detail right now**, I vowed long, long ago to never allow myself to be at the lack of mercy found in the ego driven assholes that think bodily autonomy and emotional respect are thing they are exempt from by virtue of a job description. A doctor has to earn my respect and no way will I trust one just because they got some damn degree. Basically going to a doctor would feel like submitting to a rape (with good reason), and as soon as I was old enough to fight back I stopped going. I haven’t been to a doctor since the 1990s!

Look, I’ll sew up my own wounds and have even cut a growth out of my own skin with a razor blade rather than go to a doctor. I have had medical problems that I worried might actually be life threatening and absolutely someone sensible should go to a for. I didn’t.

Please don’t tell me all the medical stuff that could kill me. I am acutely aware. I even acknowledge that there must be good, kind, intelligent, and respectful healthcare professionals out there. (Never met one that was, but sure, they exist in fiction so why not) But for me the trauma would be a fate worse than death.

You might as well be telling be to stick my face in a box of angry rattlesnakes…..and I’d prefer the snakes because at least they wouldn’t expect your submission, gratitude, and payment for violating you!

Good think I’m incredibly tough, huh? LOL

Thank you for caring! I REALLY appreciate that.

**I tried to go to a therapist once over my intense phobia of those human monsters, and I got an interesting response when, to the screener, I started my long list of reasons for a an utter fear and mistrust of anyone calling themselves a doctor or nurse. Let’s just say I got a few wide eyed “OMG!”s and the suggestion that they should do a movie about me.

The therapist didn’t work out, partly because he had couldn’t get his head around my not being afraid of something stupid like a hypodermic but the human wielding it. Mostly it was my nature clashing with nature of therapists I guess. I tell you, the dude trying to control my word choice because of his assumptions about the baggage attached to the word made me want to punch his face in….and generally I’m not violent.

Still, the attempt did confirm a few things. I did have good reason to feel as I do. And I apparently do have serious PTSD from it all. Oh, and as an aside, I am “A VERY unusual person” (LOL) . None of that was news, but good to have it validated .

[astranite]

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)