#bad job at denial
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For everyone getting their panties in a twist over the recent denial, I only have 4 simple things to say.
1. Every time he gets a chance, he says a huge load of bullshit. All he has to say is, “Despite what people think, Harry and I are not in a relationship and never have been.” It’s a simple straight denial. How hard is that? But no. It’s always him going on a tangent over a fucking “chicken Parmesan” which is not even related to the “ship” and him going on a tangent about “iPhone conspiracies” and “google”.
2. If a rumor doesn’t go away after 14 damn years, maybe it’s time antis and locals start thinking that it might not be a rumor.
3. If there is nothing to hide, they wouldn’t hide their “friendship” over stupid rumors cause they’re both 30 year old men who could ignore public. But still, despite numerous mentions of them both saying they’ve been in touch. We only ever see Louis interacting with Liam and Niall and Zayn ffs but not Harry. And we see Harry interacting with Niall. We see Liam interacting with Harry but we never ever see interactions between Harry and Louis. Why?
4. Lastly, if we are claiming an artist to be closeted, you can’t be so dumb to take an “off-the-topic-denial” to be a proof of them being straight.
But yeah, sure! Go on! Twist your damn panties until you tear them apart. You won’t notice one of us give a fuck cause you mistook us for someone naive and easily manipulated.
#recorded interviews with strategically placed questions after fans get to know Freddie’s mention was blacklisted in interviews. not obvs.#larry stylinson#failed media training#larrystylinson#louis and harry#larry is real#harry and louis#antis can fuck right off#bad job at denial#good luck next time#maybe I can write your script better?
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"Prisoner @archivalofsins ! Milgramblrgram has judged you guilty for your crimes! It is time to meet your judgement. As the wardens' fang, I take that responsibility upon myself! 👊" (Aka, a little Mikoto angst scene coming at ya!)
Even if he wasn’t strictly superstitious, Mikoto loved good luck charms. There was something about them that had always appealed to him.
He had a pen from his sister – he claimed it’s what got him into design school, much to her giggly denials. He had a lighter he’d picked up in school, which was shiny and simple and he liked to thank it for keeping him out of any trouble with his grades. There was a polaroid of the ocean that he just knew would set off his photography career someday. There was a playing card from a night out with coworkers; its energy had won him many friends that night of laughing and opening up. Most of his little trinkets were tucked into pockets here and there, and had made their way to Milgram with him. He wouldn’t have been too broken up about their absence, but he certainly enjoyed having them around.
And why shouldn’t he enjoy some silly superstition, when it worked so well? He didn’t know anyone as lucky as himself. He’d landed a prestigious job. He had the good fortune to keep it, even when the going got rough. He had his health – biking and baseball kept him fit, and his e-cigarettes put him a step above real smokers. His coworkers liked him. His sister called to check up on him. He was taking care of his family. What more could a guy want? Sure, he’d gotten a bad break in the middle of it all, but even that couldn’t hold him down for long. He hadn’t undergone half the pain the others had, and in no time at all, he’d been declared innocent. So, then…
“Why?”
Fuuta just narrowed his eyes at him. “The fuck are you talking about…?”
“Why is everyone acting like this?”
He didn’t feel the need to elaborate. Today alone, it was clear how the others avoided his side of the table at breakfast. The only reason Fuuta sat next to him was because the main area had been taken over by the younger prisoners’ activities. At least everyone else had been tactful when choosing a further seat, always with a smile and a pleasant excuse. Mikoto had no such luck with Fuuta’s more… expressive nature. He pretended he hadn’t seen those exaggerated looks of disgust and reluctance as he sat down and began to eat.
Instead, he’d finished his tarot spread in silence. They had power too, though not necessarily good or bad luck. It was more like something larger than him, guiding him along. Maybe that’s why he indulged in his charms, without necessarily believing too hard. The idea of something helpful like that is comforting to imagine, isn’t it?
It wasn’t until now, that he fanned through the cards absently, that he’d finally built up enough courage to say something.
Fuuta rolled his eyes as if he’d blurted something utterly stupid.
“Why is everyone… You mean, why does everyone stay away from you? Because you can hurt them.” He said it casually. Flippantly.
Mikoto was feeling far less flippant. “But I won’t.”
“Tell that to Kotoko.”
The prisoners often brought up this alleged altercation between them. It didn’t matter that they both came out unscathed. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t remember any of it, or that Kotoko hardly spoke about it. It didn’t matter that – even if it was true – Mikoto had only acted in self-defense. There were always whispers, always comments about it. The strangest ones, however, were the ones he’d overheard about having a little extra help during the fight. He struggled to understand what they meant, feeling like they weren’t talking about lucky spirits.
“But why me?” he asked, only half expecting an answer. “Anyone can hurt anyone else. Each one of us has hurt someone – has killed someone. Even Amane-chan can!”
Fuuta’s exasperation didn’t change. “Tch, and they’re scared of her, too. They just treat her differently because she’s young, and they think they have time to fix her, or whatever. You should be grateful no one’s doing the same to you.”
Mikoto supposed he had a point. All his life, he’d witnessed teachers and bosses do their best to fix his peers: reprimanding them for every little thing they did until they behaved properly. Mikoto was fortunate enough to avoid such treatment. He’d always had a knack for picking up on the right ways to do things. He always figured out exactly what to do to make others happy, no discipline necessary.
“I guess… it’s just… I’ve been feeling…”
How does one say “lonely” without sounding like a kid?
It didn’t matter, because Fuuta could see through his childishness anyway. He scoffed. “Here you are moping, it’s pathetic. I work so hard to be taken seriously like that, and for nothing. Without respect, you get the shit beat outta you.”
He picked up his empty plate and stood. “Meanwhile, you hardly do a thing and everyone just loves talking about how dangerous you are. You have all their respect – you’re damned lucky.”
He stormed away, leaving that side of the table empty once again.
That night, back in his cell, Mikoto gathered up his things. He rolled his sister’s pen in his fingers, picturing the way she’d smiled when she gave it to him. He studied the ocean photo, remembering the freshness of that day and how well he felt he’d captured it on film. He pinched the playing card at the edges, bending it gently in the middle. He wondered how those coworkers were doing now. Had they been thinking of him? He placed it with the other charms piled on the floor. He ran his thumb along the lighter. Then, he squinted at it. It looked used, though he’d never had anything to light. Maybe it was no longer the pristine charm he thought it was.
All the more reason to follow through, he thought. With a flick and a sigh, he lit the whole collection ablaze.
#milgram#mikoto kayano#fuuta kajiyama#its an idea about his denial/toxic positivity/treatment by others that our convo/your analysis made me think of#im basing the good luck charms on that question where he says he doesnt believe in god only because theres nothing to gain + his tarot card#i dont think hed be super deep into superstition or spirits or good/bad luck but its something fun and harmless he enjoys the benefits of#and i mean its clear how much denial hes in -- hes constantly saying how happy and proud he is of his job despite all the pain it causes#so there was something fun to explore with him thinking hes blessed with the greatest luck ever despite The Horrors#and of course theres the extra pain because fuuta isnt denying it -- he actually agrees because he thinks hes jealous of mikoto#i hope you enjoy-- er i mean -- better watch out >:3#drabbles#milgramblrgram
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I don't know when exactly Nerdanel left Feanor, so I am choosing to believe that they 'divorced' when Feanor was banished from Tirion and Nerdanel refused to go with him and their sons to Formenos. But I also headcannon that things between them were bad long before that. As in, Amras and Amrod suffered from "Our Parents Should Divorce Already" situation.
#silm#silmarillion#feanor#nerdanel#things that I should write in separate post but tags are easier:#headcannon: Feanor went to court to argue with Fingolfin and Nerdanel went back to her work because she started to get fed up with Finweans#and her work made her feel better - gave their marriage few years more#morgoth was back by the way#anyway the situation was so bad that maedhros left his own house and went to help with the twins#and to help theirs parents marriage/Feanor in court but that was unsuccessful#and nobody asked him but maglor went to help maedhros because in his mind dealing with their parents is a two people job#maglor and his wife split up over this lol this man has different priorities (common finwean problem)#anyway amras and amrod were mostly raised by m&m#call it a pre-run for kidnap fam#denial was so hard tho that nobody really noticed it until Nerdanel asked teenage/barely adults a&a to stay with her and not go to Formenos#and they were like '...why. why would we do that'#they went more for their brothers than for Feanor#and when they think of their parents they think feanor and Nerdanel fine#but give them opinions and mannerisms that are clearly maedhros and maglor's#they kind of blended in their minds#none of it is official because again. denial of familial problems runs deep in feanorian unit#amrod#amras#anyway have a nice day
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its past midnight and time to yap about Mouthwashing. Anyway obviously we don't see the Specific Events only how the characters react but with Anya... Okay I'm going to talk about the Sexual Assault not with Specific Details but that's what the post is about so
Anyways she reads to me as very like... trying to downplay the severity to herself. Like thinking through it (not having the exact quotes but) I feel like it'd be an unfortunately natural reaction- if you were stuck with 4 guys and the guy with the second highest position on the ship assaulted you depending on the situation. I feel like its not hard to imagine you'd try and reframe it as Less Bad to cope because let me be honest if I had to confront the implications of that, mainly the fact he could do it again and I wouldn't have any real way of dealing with it without complicating things even further bc he doesn't just have a close relationship with the guy with the Most Power on the ship, he also is in charge of keeping Me and The Other People On The Ship Safe, i would be in deep denial just to not lose my god damn mind like thats so fucking scary. And then the implication you tried to talk to the captain and even if he wasn't cruel he didn't Understand the Severity of what you were suggesting is like. Besides feeling afraid it could genuinely really fuck with my own perception bc like "if this guy who I trust says he's not a bad person maybe I'm just overreacting?" is. Again unfortunately understandable.
And again I'll say that Anya fully breaks down when the news breaks that pony express is fucked and like. 1. I think that's related to her own finances (and also. Literally just realized the way an abortion could interact badly with "no savings" like I Just Processed that fact. Like I knew "oh if she couldn't abort having to support a child wouldn't just be traumatic but also fucking nightmarish finance wise" but even having an abortion could make things so much harder.) 2. Jimmy LASHES OUT at Curly OPENLY. again based on my interpretation of Mildly In Denial To Cope this would. Like. Really fuck with that because it goes from "I trust the captain and I don't want to be afraid of my crewmate for a year" to "oh he is willing to verbally abuse the captain, who is his friend" and realizing I wasn't overreacting.
I also wanna point to the dead pixel conversation and obv it's symbolic but idk if it's meant as "there's a dead pixel that Anya noticed and she's using the topic to like test the waters" or if it's "anya is literally just trying to figure out Curly's thought process" which isn't like super important but like. Focusing on the way she starts the conversation by saying that she "Likes the illusion the screen has". (I don't remember the exact words sorry) But that's really interesting to me bc obviously you can read into Curly not seeing the dead pixel and instead focusing on the bigger picture (and how the dead pixel "doesn't ruin the illusion") but I think it's really interesting that Anya starts by talking Positively about the screen even though the dead pixel is there (and she can't stop thinking about it)
Like thinking through implications option 1: she's talking about the screen and uses the dead pixel to get a feel for how Curly responds to her bringing up issues
2: she's being entirely metaphorical and still trying to sort of self soothe- seeking external validation that the dead pixel Isn't Actually That Big A Deal (and therefore she's just overthinking)
3: idk how to phrase this exactly but ppl have talked Abt the way she talks to Jimmy, how it indicates a sort of "Fawn" response where she tries to keep him calm with compliments and stuff, and her talking about "enjoying the illusion" is her trying to do something similar with Curly- essentially starting the metaphor by downplaying the issue
Anyway. I don't know if I have a full conclusion but another thing is I think ppl need to acknowledge that while Curly fucked up and harmed Anya (mainly thru inaction). He's not uniquely shitty. Most people will be in a situation where they act similarly, and that DOES NOT JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS. I AM NOT SAYING CURLY IS ANY BETTER. I am saying that you need to be able to recognize your capacity for harm thru inaction and understand that like. He's not uniquely terrible he's just Normal Levels Of Unhelpful, which in a situation like Anya's is Dangerous
Like. Basically you can say "fuck jimmy fuck curly" all you want but you need to be able to understand that everyone including yourself has the same capacity for harm
#Mouthwashing spoilers#Rape ment#SA ment#Ask to tag#Idk I will say with the Anya thing: I'm a little bit speaking from personal experience#Of. There are things that I think about like ''ppl say These Things (that I experienced) are Very Bad but I don't think that's the case#For me'' like. Not consciously ''oh I'm over reacting'' but more ''well maybe my situation is different'' and it's really hard to figure ou#How much of that is genuinely the case and how much is denial y'know. 👍#Also Curly is a trans guy to me bc I'm hungry for characters who are trans men and just as culpable of willful ignorance and harm#As cis men. Anyway if anyone has a diff take on Anya's situation and)or mindset I'm open to hear it this is just my thoughts#Based on how the scenes read to me.#Also like the situation is delicate and this isn't like A Perfect Fix but genuinely Curly should've given Anya the gun#I don't think she would've shot it but it works as a Defensive Threat in a way that would give her security and also deter jimmy from being#A fucking problem because he doesn't experience consequences for his actions due to a mix of Captain's Friend and#''we can't really do shit to him or we lose our co-pilot'' (even tho he fucking sucks at his job they don't learn that until he#Is The Captain so they likely assume he's at least fucking. Functional and they would be worse off with him out of commission. Y'know)#But then again Jimmy's allergic to responsibility and consequences to the point of murder suicide so maybe Anya wouldve had to shoot him#Idk. Imagine me pacing full of rage. Imagining a universe where Anya can just fucking go to med school and doesn't have to deal with#The pony express. FUCK THE PONY EXPRESS
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no but i like wanna talk about vandermatthews and hosea specifically,, but also I’m literally incoherent so it’s just gonna live in my tags
#it’s the ‘I could never leave you more specifically I could never leave this life behind’#it’s how hosea and dutch are just doomed from the start#it’s hosea constantly telling everyone to go but he’s out here planning a big bank job or running a long con w dutch#mostly i so badly cannot get out of my mind the conversations Dutch and hosea have together in camp#the ‘we did it’ convo and there’s another one that’s something like them talking about how times and change and people change and they ask#why haven’t we changed????#like these girlies will have these conversations and it’s just nothing girl why are you Both getting so deep and y’all still be running#these scores#im very obsessed w those talks n how these men can never ever change and survive beyond the wild wild west#there’s the Denial of it all there’s the I Know No Other Life than this of it all#and this life I know it with you and I love you and I see things are going bad and I know you’re doing bad but goddammit I know you won’t#change because neither can I so yea let’s both pretend we’re gonna run off to Tahiti after one last job. it would be an honor to die for you#rdr2#vandermatthews
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jensen has the captain holt syndrome where he is not quiet about being queer nor does he dress like a cishet but nobody fucking knows hes queer anyway
#actually though#this man shows up in flare pants and platforms and painted nails and eyeliner to his job. as a doctor. and still people think hes straight#its hilarious but also i feel so bad#lbr mostly its denial from others but absolutely there are whole queer people#that think hes just a straight man comfortable in his sexuality#jensen valentine
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i feel like im never going to be fully satisfied by any saw sequel (or the fanbase for that matter) bc i dont think the majority of ppl involved read jigsaw the same way i did.
#all these attempts to like humanize and flesh him out just end up totaly misrepresenting him and his goals#no he is not actually trying to improve the world hes a sadistic little man whos angry about dying and coping with it badly#he gets a front row seat to all his games and cuts trophies off his dead victims. bc he likes the violence#he puts people who absolutely DID NOT DESERVE IT (in saw 1 at least) in these elaborate death traps that they overwhelmingly fail to escape#sometimes he puts a completely innocent person in the crossfire (like seriously who is that guy who amanda had to kill to get her key)#hell they explicitly say that guy in the chair trap did nothing wrong he was just dying 'for a greater purpose' to test the trap.#but nobody ever acknowledges all this its just like 'what if we give him depth by saying serial killing isn't so bad'#and it never works and usually ends up with him being unbelievably self impressed and annoying#id honestly rather they explore his 'depth' by just. expanding on him as in denial and wanting revenge#which tbf i thought X was doing a decent job at until the last half hour when they threw the character study away entirely#like just give me a jigsaw who is angry at dying and takes it out on the Living because he has no other outlet. ill accept that.#him killing people who need to go can be like. gory tasteless fun in the sequels but it makes it like.#idk. less satisfying to me? or it just puts this wall up that makes the movies not come together the way the first one does.#avpost#movie diary
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I don't want to get off my phone I don't want to stay on my phone I don't want to pump gas I don't want to do deliveries I don't want to get ready for bed I don't want to write anything of substance I don't want to create I don't want to not create I don't want to be here I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to move I don't want to stay still my brain and body seem to simply want to sit here and Yearn
#is this like a shutdown i think we're having a shutdown#cuz like#we're not experiencing the pain of the overwhelm#but that's because we're dissociating really bad#like am i blitz are we blurry have we been in this parking lot for hours#why can't i just do anything but type#we're just sitting here numb and unmotivated#vent#i guess#tagging in case as always#idk man#“get a hobby” we have several#“get a life” we have. one but we have to share#“get a job” 2 jobs going on possibly 3 next month ok im starting to understand#we are indeed having to face a future and have no solid Plans yet#i thought getting our biggest worry out of the way now that my cat is w a trusted friend would help#but everything else is at the Forefront of our mind now whoops!!#ironically it would be better if we just. cane up w a plan#but noooo sensory overload from our own fucking chatter#allllll dayyyyyy#fuckkkkk#we're probably gonna go to bed lol i can try again tomorrow#we're ok just. we “shouldn't be” if that makes sense lol#if we're going to be a wreck i wish i could at least provess it#like it's worse than emotional denial i straight-up don't have access to said emotions rn#“don't underestimate my capacity to not wanna” type shit sjfhhshsh#oh also we need to eat dude come on#dont want to do that either but alas we need nutrients to live#at least we like living!#usually lmao also i did it (apparently) i reached 30 tags. thank u tumblr i love yapping
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realising my wotr hyperfixation is gone and i havent even finished a single playthrough because for some reason i decided it would be a good idea to buy the last sarkorians and kiss ulbrig. killing myself
#im pretty sure it happened yesterday. but i was in denial so i started playing like an hour ago#but my brains not having it. started feeling like a chore because i wanna finish the game so bad#fucking hell#well see if its just wotr or if its gaming in general#i installed the last season of twdg so ill give that a try and see whats up#SIGH. just when i wanted to make the most of my free time now that theres the possibility of me getting a job soon#it is what it is i guess#worst part is I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO KISS ULBRIG IN GAME YET!!!!!!! hell on earth#cami.txt
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Maybe I should go back to seeing my therapist, he was a good person, à l'écoute, but maybe I should explain why I stopped seeing him (on top of work load becoming unbearable).
Same with my psychiatrist though I think it'll be harder to see her because of the summer.
#I'm feeling so out of it#I have the worst support system for the terrible mental breakdown I've been having the last few weeks#I only have one friend talking to me and I am just working at my part time job and trying to do school work and work for 2 because one of#them won't work and my family is...well. I thought I could have my mum supporting me but she just can't seem to read the room#but I don't want to become bitter even though I already am. I want to be better but my mind is sinking and maybe I'm as bad as my ex friend#said I was. Maybe I am as much a bad person as my brother says I am. Maybe I'm in denial#I've stopped taking medication for a few months now and it's all slipped back in my mind and I can't rest. I'm always tired or on speed#I feel dull and isolated#I haven't had any physical contact with anyone in weeks (not a hug or a handshake) I feel a little bit alienated#it makes me want to disappear again and go far far away#I don't know what the issue even is. I don't know what mental illness I have. I thought it was bpd but what if it isn't#I just want to be normal. I want to be normal and happy. Rational level-headed not anxious paranoid and exhausted like I am#I want to cry to open the dam of emotions in my brain but it feels like a small tear in highly pressurized tank that's going to do more#damage and no good
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Why did I cancel therapy and then cry about it
#i bet that woman put down the phone thinking ‘yep we’re gonna see her again’#calling up two weeks later like hiiiiiii actually i’ve changed my mind. i am not well <3#the thing is. i know i’m not well but the overall concept of unpacking all those issues with some random stranger makes me feel like i’m#going to throw up. in other words i’m resistant to it. which… idk. i just feel like i’m not going to get anything out of this until i’m#ready to accept that i need help. which right now; i genuinely feel fine most of the time#when i DON’T feel fine… brain worms. BRAIN. WORMS. but most of the time? i’m okay#the thing that has given me the MOST anxiety out of everything that has happened this past week has literally been the therapy appointment#if i can calm down and achieve equilibrium by just not going to therapy why wouldn’t i do that? i know it’s not a no brainer but it feels#like it is. like i know the anxiety is going to come back… i have a job interview on thursday and that’s going to be bad#on the other hand i still think it’s a normal level of anxiety. maybe i’m in denial but i don’t think so#i think i need to get my blood pressure down so i can go back on birth control. i’ve been avoiding salt really well and trying to move my#body more. my watch puts me at 111 over 74 which.. i feel may not be entirely accurate just because it’s a fucking watch#but considering i’m usually at about 100 over 80 i don’t think it’s far off#i really do think 121 over 85 was a one off. i believe it. i feel it#if i go back on microgynon my mood will stabilise so hard even god won’t know i have a problem#in other words. i can’t put salt on my potato wedges. :(#personal
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this expansion draft and roster planning for next season.. how are these gms doing it?
firstly the cap is ridiculously low [1.5 million? for 11-12 players?] next, expansion draft rules aren't even out yet. there are thoughts going around that they could be able to select one uncored unrestricted free agent? which seems so contrary to what unrestricted free agency is? how many people can each team core?
then there's the question of who will declare [which is a little more set but a handful of players have potential redshirts from injury] and i'm not super informed on player evaluations. which will determine the likelihood of us signing a rookie from the jump
and then there's the mercury question: are they going to try for the same strategy [4 guard]? are they going to try to get a real 4 for the whole season/in the consistent starting line up? who will they core? what is the free agent situation? will they pull a seattle reign and not core someone bc they'd rather walk than play for another team and everybody knows it?
so many questions and cathy could help me answer like a third of them but here we are instead....
#honestly i think kiki will probably go in expansion#because it doesn't seem like she's a bad player she's just a forward who doesn't fit the nate system#will nate keep his job?#my guess is that celeste will get re-signed regardless#but everyone else on the bench kind of depends on the nate question#i'm curious if they'll use 2025 rookies [again bc i don't know the draft class well enough#or if they'll try for free agents#and will there be free agents willing to take a pay cut for merc facilities?/team#are they going to be nearly supermaxing 2 people? or will it go down to 1? bc that changes things too#i was thinking about this bc i was thinking about the sophie thing and then i remembered that i saw last night she does color for the suns#in the off season so it's not like they're totally paying her under the table but they are a little bit#and who else is going to have those opportunities to evade the salary cap?#and if you include the “rest” off season pay in next year it's only a 20K paycut instead of 50K#we should also talk about the fact that bg has implied several times [jokingly] that they'll leave at the same time#but if you've read her book .. it sounds a lot closer than you'd think#also something to consider is that this year sophie is a protected veteran... this new contract is unprotected#which is usually only to like make space for someone else or to give your team the best shot#like this year stewie and sab are unprotected.. also on that note stewie is a free agent after this season too#also i don't know what the step beyond denial is called but i'm genuinely not considering it to be a possibility so that's where i am
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Mmm nothing like a good old full blown panic attack, I haven't had one in years. This time at least I have access to medication to make it stop a lot faster, but I have 6 pills left for the next 2,5 months and the recent trends in my mental state are not looking good.
#majek says shit#very bad year and VERY BAD week#had a new friend over for a few days and they had and encounter with an absolute bed bug infestation a couple days earlier#took all precautions they could and were very serious about the whole thing but were paranoid#something bit my bf on the knee literally the day after she left and we're in overdrive now#I say it's a mosquito because that night there was one in the house that I couldn't cath#but he says thats not how his body reacts to mosquitoes. I'm keeping myself in denial to preserve the little mental health I have left#my body decided that the stress will manifest as itchy hives which is great#we moved everything to my room and I'm going insane#I need my own space to live with someone and we even slept separately for like 2 years because it's better for sleep quality#and now we sleep together which is pretty nice and nicer than I remembered but also I have literally no space mental or physical#I'm unemployed and he works from home#we moved the tv to watch movies in bed and everything is taking so much physical space. my personal space#the house is a mess and my life is a mess and everything seems hopeless#I'm having... anxiety attacks? first once a week now every day. I always thought they were like milder panic attacks#they kinda are. as in they are shorter. and actually about something not the undescribed “watch out!”#but severity is like a panic attack was compressed into a few seconds which feel like I'm standing on the edge of a void pulling me in#it's physical. I have to physically hold on to something or move my body vigorously as if I'm shuffling away#and it lasts literally seconds and I'm fine-ish#my psychiatrist heard about it happening once a week and wrote me a prescription (?) to go to psychiatric hospital#not to stay there but for intensive 5-6h daily three month therapy#and after that visit I started having these attacks daily I think because it got to me that I'm Not Ok#it all started when I started on my new antidepressants and they are helping... but I'm afraid they are breaking something else...#I'm scared that they are#but so much is happening#unemployed for a year. my industry is going to shit. lost my friend who made sure to give me a big package of toxic waste as a farewell gift#so I have no support from anyone who even remotely understands me#unemployment means rejection over and over because I'm trying...#and this week exhausted me socially on top of everything. and the bed bugs threat. it's good I at least have xanax when it gets like today#oh also I'm turning 30 in a month. this is going to be great for job opportunities I can feel it
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𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐍’𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐃? 𝐈’𝐌 𝐃𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐒, 𝑫𝑶𝑪𝑻𝑶𝑹
prisoner! sukuna x psychologist! reader
✧ synopsis: you’ve been assigned to the supposed most ‘dangerous’ prisoner, sukuna. but what happens when you two start to fall for each other instead?
✧ cw: smut, quick paced, semi public sex, risky sex, choking, kissing, pussy eating, blow jobs, breeding, creampie, fingering, orgasm denial, dirty talk, age gap
✧ wc: 4.7k
✧ a/n: i am not a doctor and i am especially not specialized in psychology. i have made up all of this. also don’t sleep with murderers unless it’s sukuna
Your heels clicked loudly on the stained prison tiles. The echo of your soft footsteps trailing along the narrow walls of the enclosed hallway.
Sukuna.
That was the prisoner you were assigned to. A man who had killed more people than you’d met in your entire life as a doctor, a psychologist at that. So you’d met a lot of people.
Two guards trailed closely behind you, glaring warningly at the inmates who smirked as you walked past the line of cells. A collection of whistles and cheers sounding at the mere sight of a woman as attractive as yourself.
How long had it been since they’d seen one after all.
“Hey Doc… you sure you wanna take this case.. i mean, i don’t doubt ya or anything but this one.. he’s bad. Dangerous.”
“Now what kind of doctor would i be if i feared a little danger. He’s still a patient.” You smiled, ignoring the way your hairs stood as you were led deeper into the institution. The part where they held those deemed a danger to society.
Those who had a no chance of even seeing sunlight again.
You were nervous, your heart thumping loudly in your chest when you scanned your surroundings. There weren’t any cells. There were only.. rooms. Fully enclosed rooms with a singular window for passing food.
Every part of your being begged for you to turn around and run. To not even interact with whoever sat on the other side of that door. And you froze when bright red eyes pierced into yours. The rest of his face casted behind a dark shadow as his head tilted back. Giving you sight to the small smirk creeping onto his features.
“Doc, i really think that-” It was the other guard who spoke up. Both of them holding nothing on their features but fear. It was clear that they never even bothered with Sukuna. The rumors had been enough to make every guard turn a blind eye.
“Hey, it’s fine. Okay? This is what i do.” It really was. The guard gave you a curt nod and a sigh when you clasped both his hands in your smaller one. Offering him a reassuring nod.
“If anything happens, us and about five others are stationed close. Good luck Doc.”
You gave him a small thanks, your head held high as the door was pulled open roughly. Revealing a pink haired man who sat on his bed against the walls, his eyebrow raising when you dared to step inside. Nodding to the guard to close the door.
You might as well have been a dead woman.
“You’re scared.” His deep voice rung out, keeping his eyes on you as you pulled out a small chair that was tucked away near the sink.
“And how do you know, Sukuna?” Your tone was steady, letting out a breath when the shakiness you felt wasn’t reflected in your voice.
Sukuna hummed, his smirk widening when you spoke to him like a normal being. To stuttering, no harshness. Just your sweet voice saying his name. “I can smell it, Doc.” He loved the way you tried to hide your squirm under his gaze.
“So, Sukuna. Tell me something about yourself.” You steered away from his accusation, holding eye contact even when he leaned forward. Taking you in from head to toe. You were hot, he liked that. You seemed to like being confident too. And God did you smell fucking delicious.
He wanted to eat you alive.
Break you.
Use you.
He really did. But you were so fascinating, and he’d only just met you. Who knew how entertaining you could be.
“I’ve killed people.” He was blunt, eyes almost begging you to keep asking these ridiculous questions. It was making his cock twitch.
“Well Sukuna, that is common knowledge, don’t ya think? I wanna know something else.. tell me a secret hmm?” You leaned forward with a smile, elbows rested on your knees as you looked to him for a response.
He reciprocated your actions, leaning forward until you felt his hot breath fan over your face. “A secret huh? Alright Doc..” he watched as your breathing sped up, using every strength in your body to not pull back. You were brave, he liked that. “I surprisingly don’t wanna kill you right now.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“I said right now, didn’t say anything about later.” He pushed away from you, one of his knees up to his chest when he leaned back against the concrete wall behind him. “Let me ask you, Doctor. Are you stupid?”
Your head tilted at where this was going. You were supposed to be the one asking the questions. But a conversation was two sided, this would’ve made things easier. “I’d like to believe not. Why do you ask?”
“Because you really think that if i try to kill you, some measly guards would come to your rescue.” He scoffed.
“But you don’t want to kill me. That’s all that matters.”
Fair.
Sukuna watched as you took a quick peek down at his files. There was something that you missed, that much was evident. “Finally found it huh?”
“I haven’t found anything that i didn’t see before.” You objected, glancing to the door with your lip hanging loosely between your teeth.
“Don’t. Don’t do that.” He demanded lowly, watching with lidded eyes as you let your plump bottom lip, slick after running your tongue over it, fall back into place. Sukuna breathed deeply, finally looking away from you as he swallowed hard. Closing his eyes with his head rested behind him.
There was something about you that he wanted a taste of. It was driving him crazy..er, “I never did anything to these other doctors. They were just weak. Got scared way too fast.”
“And what did you do to scare them away?”
“Nothing.” He spat, “They came in here acting all high and mighty, talked to me like i was beneath them. So i simply didn’t bother to hide how much i wanted to strangle them. And somehow that makes me the bad guy right Doc?”
You shook your head, “No, you have a right to respect too. They should never have treated you as unequals.” Lying was all in the job description.
“Good try Doc. But you and i both know that’s a load of crap.” He finally peeled his eyes back open, and you couldn’t help your mind from wandering to how attractive he was in the dim light. He was extremely built, and had the facial structure that made you clench your thighs. “Now, we gonna finish our game of twenty one questions or not?”
He was actually being cooperative.
“Yes we are. How about i start?”
“I’ll start.” There was no room for objection in his tone. “What’s your name?”
You contemplated whether to tell him or not, eventually letting it out with ease. Though you missed the small smile tugging at his lips when he muttered a small “cute.”
“My turn, what was your childhood like?” You watched his face grow cold, a small glare being directed at anything in the room but you. “Next question.”
“Sukuna..”
“I said next question. How old are you?”
You sighed, “I’m twenty eight.” His eyes widened, that was extremely young for a doctor. “Is there one good memory you have from before you killed for the first time?”
“I had twin kittens. Do you have a boyfriend?”
You were taken aback by the question, mouth opening and closing a few times before you chuckled. “No. I do not have a boyfriend.”
“Good.”
You jumped when the door was yanked open, the guard eyeing Sukuna warily before nodded to you. “Your time’s up, Doc.”
“Oh, already? Could we get just a few more minutes?”
“You know how dangerous he is Doc.. we can’t risk it.”
“You heard the man. I’m dangerous, Doctor.”
You nibbled at your lips softly, and Sukuna fought a groan as you did exactly what he warned you not to. Standing up, you gave Sukuna a warm smile, the gesture making his stomach get all weird inside. “Goodbye until our next session Sukuna.”
He only hummed, the door being shut behind you as you were led away.
It was back to darkness.
There was more than enough light, sure. But it suddenly felt so empty without you there.
—
You couldn’t keep Sukuna off your mind when you arrived home. A part of you just really wanted to figure him out. The other actually liked his company.
You must’ve been so sick in the head. Splashing your face with cold water as you mentally scolded yourself. What was wrong with you? He was a criminal.
—
The next morning you walked the path that you had taken the previous day to get to Sukuna. This time without the guards following you.
There was only one who stood outside of the door to let you in with a small nod of acknowledgement.
Sukuna’s head perked up at the familiar clicking of those heels you wore. His signature smirk on his face as he stared you down. “Just couldn’t get enough huh Doc? Aren’t you forgetting that i’m dangerous?”
You took a seat, no file in had this time. “Good morning Sukuna, how are you?”
“If i said better now that you’re here, would that be cliché?”
You laughed, an actual laugh. A sweet one that made his heart flutter the tiniest bit while blood rushed to his groin.
“It’s very good to see you too. How about we get started yeah?” You paused as you collected your thoughts. “You seem to be heavily affected by people calling you.. dangerous. Why?”
“Everybody is dangerous. It just takes pushing at the right buttons to get it out of them. Half of the people here have done just as bad as i have yet i’m the only dangerous one. Makes so much sense right?.”
He shook his head. “Tell me Doctor, do you really think i just happened to get caught? That i couldn’t get out of this damn place if i wanted too? Hell, tell me you realize that i could drop a good twenty more bodies right here, right now.”
You shifted in your seat. “I think that you let yourself get caught because you’re tired. Because there’s a small sense of peace you get from being in here. And i think that you aren’t trying to leave because you don’t want to.”
“You almost had it Doc. See, i was well on my way out until you came. So i might stick around for just a little bit longer.”
Your heart fluttered, for you? Giving up on fighting the rational side of you as you continued to engage in conversation. Getting Sukuna to slowly open up to you more.
“Do you have any friends Sukuna?”
“I don’t consider people friends. They just exist alongside me.”
“If I asked you to be your friend, what would you say?” It was routine, but you really were curious.
“I’d say you came be whatever you want to be Doc.”
Another flutter.
“Have you ever been in love Sukuna?”
He was silent, jaw clenching as his gaze got harsh. “Next question.”
“What was she like?”
“I said next fucking question Doctor.”
“And i said, what was she like?” You leaned forward, pressing for him to answer the question.
“You’re stubborn aren’t you? I wonder what my hand would loom like around that pretty little neck.” He grinned, sharp teeth peeling from beneath his lips as he brought his face to yours. “She was a lot like you.”
“What happened to her?” You knew how touchy that question would’ve been.
“Nothing. The bitch left.”
Oh.
“I’m sorry.”
He stared at you in confusion, “I never said she died.”
“Yes. But that’s only physically. When she broke your heart she died to you. And that hurts just as bad.”
He was silent, studying your eyes. Trying to get a read on you. “What else do you want to know Doc?”
You were getting somewhere.
Sukuna found you smart. Thought that you knew a lot. Found it hot how good you were at cracking him. But it pissed him off that the one thing you didn’t seem to pick up was how much it hurt to watch you leave at the end of each session.
—
A week later had led to a Monday morning where you hadn’t gone to the prison. You had quite an agenda for the day that could cost you your job if you didn’t get it done.
That was something Sukuna was obviously clueless about. It was why he thought you’d just decided to up and go after he had just started liking to have you around. After he’d started opening up to you.
It was also why he was causing a fit. Yelling at guards to get you to him now. That he wanted to see you. Needed to see you. A line of men laying knocked out atop each other from being sent to ‘handle’ the crazed prisoner.
Would you really not come back? Would you really abandon him? It seemed like that was common with the people he cared even the slightest for.
Sukuna’s fist met the wall near his bed, knuckles bloodied as he cracked into the hard surface. Chest heaving up and down heavily when his hands reached to tug at strands of pink.
He blinked when he heard the clicking of heels on the tiles. Immediately scowling at the unfamiliarity of them. “Who the fuck is this?” He growled through the small window.
“This is Dr Smith, she’s-”
“I don’t fucking care who she is. Bring me my doctor. Now.”
—
Back at your flat, you dropped the piles of paper in front of you at the sound of your phone ringing.
It was a number you didn’t have saved.
“Hello, Doctor ___ speaking- yes? Oh my. I- i am so sorry. Yes, i will be there right away.”
What had you done?
You practically ran through the halls after parking outside the building. Finding many guards posted outside his door with guns in hand. Some of them spotting very black and blue eyes.
“You can all go now.” You panted, it was clear that you had been in a hurry. “Please.”
They all shared a look, finally walking away and allowing you to slowly open the door.
“Where were you?”
“I’m really sorry Sukuna. I was so busy today and-” you gasped when a hand reached out to wrap around your neck. Slamming you into the wall behind you with his face buried in your neck.
Sukuna inhaled your floral scent, groaning to himself as his grip on your delicate skin tightened. “So you just left me here today? Am i not as important as your other little patients? Is that it hmm?”
Deep down, you had hurt his feelings. And he couldn’t help the way he clung to you as your hand lifted to his cheek. Turning his face to look down at yours.
“N-no i promise you. You’re just as important as anyone else. I would have never missed our session if i didn’t have to.”
“Make it up to me.”
It was the perfect opportunity.
“W-what?”
“Strip for me Doctor.” He let go of your neck, letting you catch your breath while looking up at him timidly.
“Sukuna..”
“Why so shy now doctor? We both know you want to.”
You shook your head, shrinking under his gaze with a protesting whisper. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Sukuna. This is very unprofession— ahh.”
Sukuna brought his knee up between your thighs, pressing it into your clothed clit. His lips ghosted over your ear, hot breath fanning your skin as he breathed deeply. “You can always leave if you want to. I’m used to that after all.”
You shifted on your feet when your back arched. A small whine leaving your mouth when he pulled away from you and gestured to the door.
He smirked, “Blouse first.”
You bit your lip, unbuttoning your shirt until your bra was on display. The heavy swell of your breasts causing Sukuna’s mouth to water when he nodded to the bra.
With your eyes still on his you let your breasts spring out of their confinement. Two pert nipples pointing right at him as his dick rose. His hand palming himself under the pair of black pants with a shiver. “C’mere.”
You walked over to him on shaky legs. Sitting down on his lap with your head to the floor. “Uh uh,” His hand reached under the your chin to force your eyes back on his. “None of that Doc.”
You moaned when his tongue swirled around one of your nipples. Sucking your breast into his mouth while he palmed at the other. “These are even more perfect outside that tight fucking shit of yours.”
Sukuna watched as you shivered when he ran his finger down your belly. Cupping your clothed cunt with the jerk of his hips into your ass. “Fuck.. take that off.”
You hurriedly peeled off your pants, Sukuna’s pupils dilating at the sight of your lace panties. “Wore this just f’me hmm Doc? All this for Mr Dangerous.” He groaned out.
Sukuan didn’t give you a chance to respond before flipping you onto the hard mattress they called a bed. Lifting your heel clad feet onto his shoulders with his head hovering over your pussy. His tongue darting out to lick at the wet spot building from your arousal. “You’re real dirty f’ a doctor.” He teased, glancing behind him with a chuckle. “Imagine if you got caught.”
Your eyes shot up to the small window, taking note of the vacant corridor as per your request.
“God, you smell so fucking good. Wanna devour that pretty pussy.” He breathed, large hand ripping the flimsy fabric to expose your glistening folds. “Hmm, this wet all for me.”
You mewled when his long tongue licked a stripe up your slit. Swirling around your clit before sloppily dipping into your hole. His hums sending vibrations through your clit as he lapped at your dripping slick.
“Sukuna—” you mewled, back arching as you reached for his hair. Tugging softly with the curl of your toes when his tongue and fingers swapped places. The two joints fucking up roughly into your g spot as he sucked noisily at your clit. “F-fuckk, nngh— so good.” You cried out, tears welling in the corner of your eyes as your body filled with pleasure.
“Yeah? You like that Doc? Bet you wanna get that greedy cunt stuffed right after.” He grunted, your eyes rolling back in a string of muffled moans as your other hand shot up to your lips.
Your legs began to tremble, Sukuna’s smirk growing wider and wider until he stopped his movements. Watching as you blinked down at him with a sniffled whine.
“You left me. You know how much that fucking hurt? I thought i would never see you again.”
“I’m-”
“You’re sorry. Yeah, yeah.. i know.” He rolled his eyes, crawling over your body with a sigh. Using the pad of his thumb to wipe away a stray tear before pressing his lips to yours. Making you taste yourself on his tongue.
You fell deeper into the kiss, eyes closing in satisfaction as his lips moves hungrily on yours. Pulling away with a string of salvia connected you to him.
“Let’s reverse the roles yeah?” He whispered, standing up to sit in the chair that you usually sat in. “So, my adorable little patient.. put these tiny fingers to work on that clit of yours. I want you to make yourself cum.”
You whimpered, your fingers immediately meeting your sensitive clit with a shiver.
“You know what to do.” He encouraged. Your fingers beginning to rub small circles on the small bud before speeding up. Little gasps and moans falling past your lips as your stomach burned with heat.
Your eyes locking onto Sukuna’s red ones as his head tilted. Just like it had the first day you met him. “Ahh, K-kuna. Fuckk.” You cried, head falling back with your eyes still on his. The primal look in his eyes making your insides flutter as he did nothing but watch you. Not even freeing his painfully hard cock.
“Sukuna— c-can’t. Can’t hold it.” Your voice cracked, body shaking lightly as your orgasm washed over you.
“Yes you can.”
“Nngh, can’t Kuna. Need to let go.”
He stayed quiet for what felt like an eternity, your breathing getting heavy as you desperately waited on his permission.
He leaned his head back, eyes boring into your fingers working your wet cunt before nodding. “Go ahead.”
You came with a silent moan, body spasming uncontrollably as your pussy leaked onto his only pair of sheets.
“Dirty, dirty girl. Look at that mess.” You shied away feom his gaze. “And look at how hard you made me. Come fix it.”
You stood on wobbly feet, barely able to balance in your heels as you fell to your knees before him. Looking up at him through your lashes while pulling down his pants.
You blinked at the mere size of his bulge. He was huge. Tugging off his underwear to reveal his thick, veiny length. Pointing up to the sky with a fiery red tip. “Suck.”
You took him past your lips, barely able to take even half of him before he hit the back of your throat. Your fist stroking all the parts of him you couldn’t take.
Sukuna groaned, head flinging back with another strained one at how good your mouth felt. “S-shit doc. You really got a mouth on ya.” He gasped, eyes meeting yours as you attempted to take him down your throat. Your drool coating both your lips and his cock as you lewdly sucked him off.
He took your head into his hold, letting you do your own thing as he grunted with each jerk of his hips. Defined abs tensing when he grew closer to his release.
“Fuck Doc, gon’ shoot my cum down that tight throat of yours.” He breathed. Holding you down onto him as you gagged and sputtered lightly, Sukuna’s cock twitching before you felt the warm liquid run down your throat.
“Wish i could fuck that pussy so bad.” He let go of your head, wiping a drop of his cum from your chin before pushing his finger past your lips. Watching as you sighed in content while sucking every last drop. “It’s too bad that in about one minute those guards are gonna come get you Doc. Our session is over.”
You had no time to question how he knew. Scurrying to redress with widened eyes.
Sukuna may not have had a clock. Nor was he able to distinctly see the sun rise and set. But he’d learned to count the seconds when you were around. He knew how much time he had with you.
“And… now.”
At that very moment the door swung open. Sukuna having easily pulled back up his pants after giving you your seat back. Both of you looking as professional as you possibly could.
“See you tomorrow Doc.” He smiled innocently, watching as you scrambled out while avoiding his eyes.
You really fucked up now.
It was hard to keep him out of your mind before. But now, trying was futile. You’d gotten a taste and you needed more. Which was why your brain would not let you close your eyes without thinking of him fucking you.
—
The next morning you bit back a whimper as your clit was caught between your rubbing thighs. You had worn a tight pencil skirt with no panties. Just for Sukuna.
You were thankful that the guards had complied to your wishes of them leaving.
You wanted to stop yourself. To go back home and forget about the red eyed prisoner. He may not have been dangerous to you physically. But to your heart and mind.. he’d be the death of you.
When the door closed behind you, you found yourself bring pushed roughly into the same wall as last time. Sukuna letting out an animalistic groan as he captured your lips on his. Kissing you so much more feverishly than yesterday.
“You don’t know how much i need you. Didn’t even sleep last night.” He panted, turning you around so that your chest rested against the concrete surface. “Missed you so much Doc.” His voice softened, kissing down your neck while grinding up into you. His fingers finding their way under your skirt with a smirk against your skin. “And i thought you couldn’t get any dirtier.. no panties huh?”
You moaned when he prodded at your already dripping cunt. The thought of him being enough to have gotten you soaked. “Shit- tell me what you want Doc. Let me hear you say it.” He growled lowly, ready to snap the second the words left your mouth.
“Please— please fuck me.”
Sukuna hungrily shoved your skirt up. The fabric bunching at your hips as he freed his aching cock. Both of you letting out a noise of satisfaction when he sunk into you, his large hands holding tightly onto your hips to pull you into him. Your back arching as your hands shot out to the wall for support.
“O-ohh God.” You cried loudly, your lips parted in shaky moans as Sukuna’s cock rammed deep near the entrance of your cervix. His veins grazing at your g spot as the fat girth stretched you to your limit.
“Nah baby, ‘s only me.”
“Kunaa— so goood- ahhh.” Tears pooled in your eyes, Sukuna’s hand reaching into your hair to pull you back into his chest. Your nails clawing at the wall in front of you as he destroyed yours.
“Taking me so fucking well. Shit- pussy’s so damn snug.” He husked, hips snapping noisily into yours as he fucked into your walls mercilessly. Basking in the sounds of your choked screams and mewls. The way you sobbed underneath him when your knees buckled.
He was fucking you so hard and deep. Better than anything you’d felt before. His cock slamming into all the places that would drive you crazy.
“The day you fucking leave me i will break outta here Doc. And i will find you. You’re mine got it?” There was a certain seriousness in his voice that made goosebumps arise on your skin. Your salty tears mixing with your drool as they ran down your flushed face.
“And when i do get outta here you’re gonna have my baby Doc. ‘M gonna fuck you again and again till’ i eventually give you my fuck—ing kid.” His breathing became ragged, your body rocking forward with each of his movements.
He smirked. “I’ve fucked ya this dumb already?” His cock twitching inside you as your body moved with his cock like a fleshlight. Your vision blurred as your head grew light, dizzy. You couldn’t think, every roll of Sukuna’s hips clouding your mind as you let an incoherent babble drip off your tongue. Shakily chanting his name when he reached forward to pinch at your clit.
“Look at you. Look so pretty underneath me like this.” His free hand snaked up to your neck, groaning loudly at the feeling of your heart beat on his skin. Pulling you up so your back rested flat against his broad chest, wandering lips meeting your exposed collarbone. “Let go f’me.”
Your body quivered as you tightened around him. Letting out a whimper-like cry as you came messily on his cock. A breathy moan of his own sounding in your ear when his thrusts began to get sloppy.
“Kunaaa.. inside. Want you inside. ‘M on the pill.” You begged, legs giving way as he held you flush against him.
“Whatever you want, Doc.” Slowly coming to a halt as he buried himself inside your warmth, tongue darting out to lick at your tear stained cheeks. Feeling his cock swell as he pumped you full of his cum. Painted your gummy walls in nothing but white
“Looks like i’m sending you back with my cum dripping down your thighs.” He pulled out with a grin. His cum leaking out of your fluttering cunt in small spurts when he used his hands to knead at the flesh of your ass. “Hottest thing i’ve seen in a while.. after you of course.”
You hummed, eyes shutting as you fell into him. Feeling the thick substance slowly dripping down your legs while spreading over your sticky folds. Sukuna stumbled back onto his bed with you on top of him. Your face nestling into his chest with a soft smile. “Hey Doc.. i love ya but those guards are gon’ be back soon.”
‘So worth it.’ Was the one thought branding itself into your mind as your body registered the rough, lust filled fuck.
“Shit.”
—
You and Sukuna had gotten so much closer over yet another week. You had never believed in falling in love that quickly until now. You couldn’t help it. You felt so much better when he was around. Seeing him was the highlight of your day- especially now that you’d convinced for longer sessions.
He felt the same way. You were the second person he had fallen in love with and somehow even harder. You made his heart.. swell. And he was serious about busting out to start a life with you.
“So, your first love. We never finished talking about her.” You smirked, notepad back in hand as you did your job. Sukuna having been stealing small kisses from you between every question.
“How about we forget about my first love and focus on my current one. You.”
#jujutsu kaisen smut#divider by cafekitsune#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader smut#sukuna smut#sukuna x reader#sukuna x reader smut#sukuna#jujutsu kaisen x reader smut#jujutsu sukuna#jjk x you#gojo smut#gojo x reader#gojo x reader smut
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While we're at it: using language that downplays genocide is a form of genocide denial.
Joe Biden isn't doing a bad job, Joe Biden is providing material support for genocide.
Israel isn't handling the situation badly, Israel is committing genocide.
Employing euphemisms minimizes the reality of this genocide. It's disrespectful and dangerous.
If you are more uncomfortable with the word genocide than you are with the reality of genocide, then you are not prepared to be part of any serious discussion. Work on that on your own time.
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you're in the habit of denying yourself things.
if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.
but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?
what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.
and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.
you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.
so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.
it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.
sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.
oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.
#warm up#this isn't good#writeblr#this is complicated by the fact i can't stand up too long or i fuckken pass out and <3 hit my damn head <3#but i did take a deep breath and buy myself the stupid rice cooker#and!!! a very cheap sushi kit!!! i have been wanting to try making sushi for literally YEARS#the kit was only like 15 dollars!!!! and i haven't purchased it bc?!!??!?!?!?!!?#..... i didn't get the mixer tho that felt. like a lot. like too much.#on my list is a kitchenaid. one day when i get a check and i have paid off my student debt#and medical debt#i will put that first little bit of cash#into a kitchenaid 5qt stand mixer (with attachments)#i really do just go into their refurbished section and stare lustily at each option#but yeah i feel guilty about the rice cooker even tho i know for a fact this damn thing is gonna be a lifesaver#oh shit also fuck i forgot to mention . poached eggs
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