#bad feeling to have at the start of the semester
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dcxdpdabbles · 2 days ago
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Danny: Hi! I'm Danny Fenton, your new dorm roommate.
Jason: Jason Todd. Thanks for letting me take the spare bed. I registered late, but one of my scholarships had a requirement of living on campus. I was really worried you say no.
Danny: No worries, I figured something like that was going down if the RA asked me a month after the semester started if I was cool with a roommate. I do have one rule though.
Jason: Anything
Danny: If you want to bring someone to the dorm, I need a heads up. Not just for dates or hookups. Friends or guests too. I'm a chem major, and I don't want anyone messing with my equipment. Of course I'll do the same.
Jason: That's not a problem. And I feel like I have to warn you that I keep odd hours. I'm a bouncer.
Danny: That's fine.
Three weeks later
Danny: I think my hot dorm roomate is in the Mafia.
Dan: Damn which one? I may have shot him last week.
Danny: I wish you leave the Red Hood Gang
Dan: And get my kneecaps taken from Hood for betraying him? Nah, besides, it's not that bad. Sometimes, I just walk around and make sure the kids get home safe from the school buss or that none of working folk are bothered too much. Hood is surprisingly kind about that.
Danny: I still hate that man.
Dan: I know. I'm sorry I got mixed up with that crowd. I'm too deep to get out though.
Danny: It's not fair!
Dan: No, it isn't. But it's a mistake that I made and now have to pay for.
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illbegottenfaith · 21 hours ago
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lucky pt 3 - theo nott x reader
Theo doesn’t seem to care about you, and you can only lie to yourself that it doesn’t bother you for so long
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
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a/n - the final part! so happy to finally write a happy ending :’) wasn’t planning on writing this until my finals were over but um here we are 🙈
tropes/warnings - tw smoking, a lil slapstick comedy ft the other slytherin boys, slight platonic hurt/comfort, angst, soft ‘smut’ (quite mild idt it warrants an 18+ tag)
word count - 3.4k
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Two can play a game.
A week had passed since you submitted your Potions project, and after that one night of Theo staying up to help you, things went back to going from bad to worse. What were once paltry tiffs had now disappeared altogether. Theo attended and left lessons as if you didn’t exist. And you supposed you didn’t. At least, not to him.
Ivy worried over you, bless her. She’d noticed how listless and distracted you’d gotten, how much more prone you were to staying holed up in your room, how exhausted you seemed by the most mundane tasks. But this was something even she couldn’t help with. No one could help, you decided mournfully, resting your head against your dorm’s cool window pane. So here you were, staring out the window at 6.30 am on a Monday morning with irritated and aching eyes after a restless night of tossing and turning.
That was when you decided that the only thing there was to be done in a situation like this was to do what you did best - going head-to-head with Theodore Nott. He wasn’t the only one who could play at being emotionally avoidant, and it would be a cold day in hell before you let Theodore Nott best you in anything, including this.
And ignore him you did. You didn’t know or care if he noticed, but soon your already limited interactions became highly unabsorbing and apathetic. You barely acknowledged him in your shared classes. You matched every careless toss of his head with one of your own. As little as Theo cared, you could care even less. 
Finals came and went. The morning after your last paper Ivy came barging into your room, demanding you come for an end-of-semester gathering by the Great Lake the next day. No amount of begging or burying your head in your pillow seemed to deter her. She was determined to see you there even if she had to drag you out herself, the recluse that you had become. She finally left after you very unsportingly relented and unsuccessfully tossed a book at her head.
You were already regretting being worn down by the next morning when you were deciding what to wear. Was Theo going to be there? Not that it mattered. You weren't about to pick an outfit around a guy who may or may not be present.
You met Ivy and Katie near the castle entrance and once you started walking down to the lake, you started feeling better about your decision. The weather was surprisingly cooperative and it was perfect picnic weather, if a little windy. It was a little early, only shortly after breakfast, and the refreshments were still being set up. From the few that had already arrived, it seemed to be a rather intimate gathering of mostly familiar faces. If you were especially lucky, Theodore Nott might not make an appearance at all.
You watched a group of Slytherin boys flail and struggle to set up a folding picnic table and put a sheet over it. Enzo Berkshire had flopped onto the table to stop the sheet from flying off while the table groaned underneath his weight. Draco Malfoy was crossly telling him off and trying to get him to stand while Mattheo Riddle stood a little to the side, still frowning over the table's instructions. Draco had now moved onto threats when there was a terrible creaking sound and the table collapsed under Enzo.
"I was just about to say," Matheo started offhandedly, while Enzo moaned pitifully, "I don't think we put the table together right."
"I told you we should have waited for Theo."
Speak of the devil.
“Ladies,” Theo drawled from behind, in his appealingly lazy accent. You turned to see Theodore in a relaxed button-down folded at the elbow, wearing a simple but likely designer pair of black sunglasses, holding a red solo cup. You instinctively glanced at his tanned forearms before snapping your gaze back to his face. Did he notice? It was hard to tell with the sunglasses.
“Hi, Theo,” Ivy said awkwardly when you stubbornly refused to respond. “What's that you got there?”
"Punch. Enzo had me taste test it."
"Oh. Is it good?"
He gave a wry smile. You wanted to roll your eyes. You had no patience to tolerate his irritating posh affectations.
"A little strong for my taste, but it'll do."
"Have you seen Ivan?"
He waved his hand carelessly. “He’s…around.” He turned, peering in the distance. “Right. There he is, by the steps. He’s bringing the drinks.”
“I’ll go help him!” Before you could reel Ivy back in and threaten her to stay with you, she was already halfway down the path, heading straight for her boyfriend. You scowled, your impassive mask shattering. You turned back to see Theo grinning at you with his stupidly mysterious sunglasses and you shot him a dirty look. 
“Nice weather we’re having, hm?”
You schooled your features and shrugged noncommittally. The silence stretched unbearably between the two of you. Theo vaguely gestured to the boys with his cup.
“I should help them with the table."
You stayed tight-lipped, refusing to give in to the sense of camaraderie he seemed to be trying to foster with you. After all, you weren't friends. He made sure of that.
As he set his cup down and started looking over the instructions with Mattheo, Ivy returned, drinks and Ivan in tow.
“Punch?”
You raised your eyebrows. Even from a distance, the bowl reeked of booze. Still, you accepted a cup, downing it even as your eyes watered. You pulled a face.
“Merlin, that’s awful. Pour me another.”
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You ended up sitting in a cluster of lawn chairs around a picnic blanket with Ivy, Katie and some other girls in your year. You were all giddily tipsy and in very silly moods, gossiping and swapping terrible first date stories.
The drunker and drunker you got, the harder it was to pull your eyes away from Theo. After all, as your inhibitions dissolved, what was there to stop you from glaring a hole into his skull?
Not that he noticed. He was sitting some distance away with his own friends, examining the bottom of his red Solo cup disinterestedly. The other Slytherin boys were absorbed in a spirited game of Exploding Snap. In the unassuming midday sun creeping up on them, he was a refreshing sight, sleek and cool in ways mere mortals could only dream of wishing for.
You scoffed under your breath. What, were his childhood friends too boring for him? Was that it? Who the hell did he think he was, anyway? You had half a mind to strip naked and run into the lake. Maybe that would finally be captivating enough for the oh-so-hard-to-impress Theodore Nott. 
How many other girls did he help write essays for late into the night, letting them doze, holding their hand? You shook yourself. He never held your hand. He helped you with your project, brought you breakfast, and that was it. Still, your gaze stayed fixed on the back of your hand. Whatever possessed you to think he held your hand?
The sky had gotten a little cloudy. Theo pulled off his sunglasses, blinking, and cast his eyes around, looking for a place to put them. Finally, he settled on hooking them on the open collar of his shirt and looked rather pleased with himself. It was almost endearing.
Your gut told you to avert your gaze, but you didn't, and the next second his gaze was on you. For the first time in weeks, his eyes met yours, intense and unforgiving. You told yourself it was just his gaunt complexion and bruise-like eyebags, but that didn’t stop your throat from seizing with some inexplicable want. Even when he moved away to rejoin his friends, your skin tingled; your body positively thrummed with it. Any hope of playing at sanity was out the window at this point. No, you just had to accept that the two of you would always be unfinished business.
But that was it - he wasn’t playing at this like you were. This was all a pretence for you; the unaffected stares, the nonchalant nods, the afterthought smiles. This was all just you pretending you weren’t watching his every move. Pretending your attention wouldn’t stay fixed on him in a room full of burning bodies.
But he wasn’t pretending. Not for one second.
All of a sudden, you felt queasy. You were going to be sick.
"Y/N?" Ivy was saying, looking concerned as you unsteadily got to your feet. You could feel the back of your neck prickling with Theo still watching you.
"I'm - I'm fine," you slurred, fanning yourself weakly. "Stay - I'm okay. Just...s'hot. Need to -" 
You put your cup down somewhere, stumbling back to the castle as fast as you could, your head spinning as the ground wobbled dangerously under you. You weren't sure how but you somehow made it to your dorm, flung open the bathroom door and reached the toilet just as your stomach started emptying its contents. 
You vaguely registered that you had never been this drunk - it felt like you were slipping in and out of consciousness. You were only distantly aware of a familiar pair of hands holding your hair back, rubbing soothing circles on your back as you heaved. It was a cathartic kind of release, a purging of all the toxic anxiety that had been festering inside of you. And just like that, a dam broke. You started crying, sobbing like the world was ending, slumped against your best friend.
“Oh, Y/N…”
“I don’t understand,” you choked out, leaning your forehead against the tiled bathroom wall. “Why doesn’t he like me anymore? Why does he h-hate me?”
Ivy delicately smoothed some of your unruly hair down. “He doesn’t hate you, honey.”
“I’m not a k-kid, Ivy," you hiccuped. "You don’t have to lie to protect my feelings.”
Ivy hugged you close as you sniffled. “I’m going to kill that asshole if Ivan doesn’t beat me to it.”
“No,” you said in a shaky voice, gingerly sitting up. “Promise me you won’t tell Ivan.”
“Y/N - “
“They’re friends! I don’t want to spoil that for him.”
“Trust me, if he knew what Theo was doing, he wouldn’t be feeling all that friendly.”
“Don’t, Ivy,” you pleaded. “This is just…it’s just between us. I’m fine, I swear.”
Ivy looked highly unconvinced. You let out a frustrated sigh.
“Look, at least give me a week to work through this on my own, alright? Then you can sic your boyfriend on Nott.”
“You’ve already had your week. Weeks, in fact.”
“Ivy.”
She pursed her lips. “Fine.”
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You felt a lot more sober after throwing up. But you still weren't feeling up to returning to the party, so once you finally managed to shake Ivy off, you wandered the deserted halls of Hogwarts. Just like that one evening lifetimes ago, when Mattheo had insinuated Theo might have a thing for you in the library, you ended up at the Astronomy Tower.
It was peaceful. You could see why Theo liked to come up here to think. You looked up as you heard a scuffling sound from behind one of the pillars, near one of the stone arch windowsills. You walked over to find Theo sitting there, smoking, his long legs barely fitting across the length of the window. He didn't expect to see you either, if the way the cigarette was dangling from his lips was any indication.
“Put that out.”
It was the first thing you had said to him in weeks. You felt almost as surprised as he looked. He started, as if he had forgotten about the cigarette, and took another puff.
“I said,” you started again, half-heartedly raising your voice, “put that out.”
It was weak and unsurprisingly ineffective. If Theo picked up on what it truly was, a plea for normalcy, he didn’t let on.
Your already thin patience snapped. You stalked over, stealing the cigarette from his lax fingers. What you weren't expecting was Theo's fingers closing around your other wrist and firmly pulling you down to press his mouth hard against yours. It was a clumsy mess of teeth and tongues as you ungracefully reached for his arms to steady yourself. His grip lessened when he got the inkling you weren't about to pull away and sock him in the jaw. His hands drifted to your waist as the two of you fumbled for a more proper kiss. You could taste the lingering salt of the cigarette and your senses felt overwhelmed by the distinct feel of Theodore Nott.
“Tesoro -“ he wheezed, twisting away from where your hand had dropped to his bicep, the smouldering cigarette having singed through his shirt.
“Shit, sorry. How do you -?”
Theo plucked the cigarette from your hand and dropped it on the floor, grinding it with the heel of his shoe. He looked up to where you were still hovering above him before pulling you down into his lap by your hips. He grabbed your wrists, placing your hands on his shoulders, and you had to bite back a smile over how adorably particular he was.
��Telling me where to place my hands? And I thought I was the bossy one.”
Theo quirked an eyebrow. "Maybe I'm just sick of waiting." He tipped his head back against the rough stone wall. "And...wanting."
You smoothed a thumb across his collarbone, not missing the way he shivered under your touch. “So what do you want, Nott?”
He tipped you forward, kissing you much more properly this time. You didn't bother pulling much away as you broke apart, whispering with your faces inches away.
“We're actually doing this.”
“Seems so.”
He cupped your face, swiping a thumb under your eyes as his expression flickered.
“Were you…crying?”
You sniffed, dragging his hand off your face, and looking away. "Just - allergies."
Theo blinked, watching your face with a stunned (and slightly dumb) expression as if you hadn't said anything.
“But you never cry.”
You gave a bitter smile. “Congratulations, Nott. You’re officially the first person to ever reduce me to tears.” You desperately hoped he would drop the subject. Just talking about it was enough to make you want to start sobbing again.
"Did someone say something to you? I swear I - it's not because of me, is it?"
Your face crumpling was the only confirmation he needed. “It was like you - I don’t know. Like you hated me, or something.”
Theo captured your hands in his own where they had slid down to his chest. “I….hate you?”
“Or something. Probably the something.”
“But - why? How? If anything, I’d say you hated me.”
Your lips parted as your brow furrowed. “What gave you that idea?”
“What gave me the - I don’t know, all the scowling? The glaring? The snide remarks? The bodily harm?”
You flushed at the memory of the Potions storeroom incident. You could kind of see his point. “That was one time.”
“You owe me new pants, by the way. New pants and a new di-“
You muffled his rant with a kiss and instantly felt him relax beneath you, the tension and annoyance draining from his limbs as he moulded your body to fit more perfectly against his. So eager, so insistent, so different from the past couple of weeks. 
“I don’t know," you started once you pulled away. "This felt worse than hate. It felt like…like you couldn’t even be bothered to hate me." You swallowed hard, eyes fixed on where you were fidgeting with the edge of his shirt's collar. "As if that was how little you thought of me.”
"Mia cara," he sighed, almost dejectedly. "Small is the last thing I think of you." He ran a hand through his hair frustratedly, searching for the right words.
“I���m not good at expressing…fondness.”
“No. You don’t say.”
He wet his lips. You could see the smile he was holding back.
“I’m not good at being honest or direct. Everything - my mind, it’s a mess, it’s always about what I want, and how to get what I want, I never - I never meant to make you feel that way."
Maybe it was still all part of some elaborate scam. But sitting there with the rough stone arch digging into your sensitive skin, the distant scent of holding Theo's face in your hands like he was moonlight, you believed him. You didn't even have to try. You just did.
“I’m not used to playing the part of the fool, bella. But when I see you smile, or read, or fiddle with your hair…" He reached out to free the lock of hair you were nervously tugging on, "...I never feel more foolish.”
"I don't think I've ever hated you either, for the record," you said, smoothing out his shirt where you had crumpled it in your fists. "I might have thought I did, but..." you trailed off, looking into his mesmerisingly blue eyes. No, you decided softly, you never could hate the boy.
"I never thought anything could come of us. You were - you are - so brilliant. You're on the road to brilliant things. I was only going to get in the way. And...I don't think I could live with myself if I did." He glanced up and, seeing the crestfallen look on your face, hastily amended his statement.
"That, and you had no patience for pretty boys.”
You scoffed half-heartedly. “I have no patience for you, either.”
Theo grinned, shifting you up his lap, as if you could never be close enough to him. He looked so carefree you couldn’t hold back a small smile of your own. “You keep me so humble.”
“I try.”
The two of you stayed like that for a while, tracing burning expanses of skin, staring at each other like you could never get your fill. You’d occasionally press soft kisses down his neck and jaw while his hands would drift up your ribcage or down your thighs. Both of you moved at an unhurried pace, because now you had all the time in the world to have and hold each other.
“It’s getting late,” you murmured, hours later, now tucked into Theo’s side as you lightly traced shapes on his chest. It was pleasantly warm and given the late hour, you could feel your eyelids growing heavier. When he didn't respond, you lifted your head.
Beneath you, Theo breathed deeply and evenly, looking half-asleep. You rolled your eyes and gave him a hard jab in the ribs.
“Hey. Nott.”
Theo grunted, stirring, swatting your hand away. You grinned to yourself - annoying Theo would never lose its appeal. Eyes still closed, his hand haphazardly searched for you to once again pull you against him. You ignored his efforts, deliberately unhelpful.
“You need to pick another name, y’know. This whole last-name business isn’t going to fly as my girlfriend.”
You felt yourself unreasonably perk up over his words. “Your girlfriend? Me?”
He cracked an eye open. “I thought the exclusivity thing was obvious. You're a serial monogamist.”
“Yeah, but you’re not.”
Theo groaned, too tired to keep up with you. He rolled you onto your back and propped himself up with a forearm. You giggled softly, flustered by the heat in his gaze.
“Then I guess you’re lucky I like kissing you the best, amore.”
He dropped his head, and you got the distinct impression you could never tire of the feel of his hands and lips on you. 
“What were you saying before?” Theo inquired, while his hands continued their distracting exploration under your clothes.
“It’s late.”
“Right.”
“You have Charms right after breakfast. We should,” your breath hitched, “um, go to bed.”
Theo grumbled something in the crook of your neck, sending the most delicious vibrations down your spine.
"Fine," you sighed, encircling your arms around his neck. "Five more minutes."
He barely made it in time for Charms the next morning.
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twistedcrumbs2 · 1 day ago
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Just an intrusive thought to add to the series of random ideas that strike me throughout the day—this time while working out to the most chaotic playlist you can imagine.
A workout routine with Jack!
Maybe you’ve suddenly found yourself dropped into another world, surrounded by traumatized and slightly unhinged students (or completely unhinged, depending on how you look at it), all while trying to survive the chaos of an insane school semester. Naturally, you’ve barely had any time to care for yourself. Just maybe.
Then, during one of Professor Vargas’ motivational lectures—peppered with lines like “Exercise is essential for self-care! Just look at me!” and “A healthy mind lives in a healthy body!”—a thought crosses your mind: “Alright, one hour of exercise a day won’t kill me… probably.”
To be fair, realizing you can’t even chase Grim around the dorm without gasping for air and nearly collapsing was the final push you needed. Something had to change—and fast.
The problem? You have no idea where to start. After mulling it over, you decide to drop by the athletic club. Watching others train might give you a clue (or, let’s be real, trigger some anxiety—there are a lot of sweaty guys in short shorts, after all).
As soon as you arrive, the first familiar faces you spot are Jack and Deuce, who immediately look at you like you’ve just fallen out of the sky (which, admittedly, isn’t far from the truth).
After some chatting, you explain why you’re there. Jack, much to your surprise, seems more excited about your decision than you are.
And let’s be honest—given his physique, it’s no shock that the wolf beastman is the living embodiment of a gym rat. As you ramble about wanting to get into shape, his tail swishes back and forth, his subtle smile betraying just how thrilled he is.
— That’s great. If you need anything, just let me know, — he offers sincerely.
And, of course, you take him up on it. Jack is easily the most dedicated person you know when it comes to fitness, and more importantly, he’s kind enough not to expect something outrageous in return.
But it’s a terrible decision.
Not because Jack is bad at helping—quite the opposite. He’s an incredible instructor: patient, committed, and always willing to lend a hand. The issue is that you were expecting something easy. A casual evening stroll, maybe some jumping jacks. Nope.
Instead, Jack shows up that very weekend with a detailed workout plan, complete with an intimidating ABCD schedule (whatever that means), exercises with weird names, and—worst of all—one hour of cardio every day.
Yes, he genuinely wants you to run for an hour. Every day. You’ve seen him jogging past your window before sunrise, but you never thought you’d be dragged into it too.
To make matters worse, some of the exercises sound downright absurd.
— Bent-over barbell rows? — you ask, staring at the workout sheet like it’s written in an alien language. — Do we need to find a boat for this?
Jack chuckles softly and replies, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world: — No, just a barbell. I’ll show you.
The first few days are brutal. By 8 PM, you’re practically falling asleep on your feet, and your muscles are so sore that walking through the hallways feels like a challenge. But oddly enough, your mornings start to feel a little more structured. Despite the physical exhaustion, Jack’s company makes everything worth it.
During your sessions, you chat about all sorts of things. He even shares tips on improving your diet—always as gentle suggestions, never pushy.
It’s honestly adorable. Hard to believe this is the same guy who nearly kills you with his workouts.
Of course, there are moments of pure misery. Like the time he introduced you to burpees—an exercise that can only be described as modern-day torture. But in the end, the support and camaraderie you share with Jack turn the grueling routines into something almost… enjoyable. Almost.
Jack seems genuinely excited about your commitment. After all, what gym rat wouldn’t want a workout buddy? But it’s more than that. He enjoys your company and takes pride in helping you improve. He even goes out of his way to ensure you’re safe and don’t overdo it.
When you try to slack off—cut a set short or cheat on your form—he sighs heavily and says firmly: — You’re only cheating yourself, not me.
It’s giving strict dad energy.
Yet, he’s also incredibly perceptive. When you get frustrated or demotivated—like the time you stopped mid-run, gasping for air—Jack slows down and walks beside you, encouraging you to keep going at your own pace.
Beyond the workouts, Jack introduces small healthy habits into your daily routine. He reminds you to carry a water bottle, stretches with you before class, and even brings homemade protein bars. He insists they’re nothing special, but you’re convinced he blushed when you complimented how good they were.
As the days pass, you start to notice small improvements—not just in your stamina but also in how much easier your mornings feel. The group grows, too, with Epel, Sebek, and occasionally Deuce joining in. It’s chaotic but oddly fun.
Training with Jack isn’t just about getting fit. It’s about building a deeper connection with him. Because let’s face it—nothing bonds two people like suffering through a set of crunches at six in the morning, right?
Final verdict: 8/10 experience. Exercising is still a nightmare, but Jack makes it bearable.
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strxnged · 3 months ago
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fun fact i want to cut all my hair off again
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shokupanda · 4 months ago
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me when time moves forward at a steady pace: how the fuck is it more than halfway through july already. this fuckers rapidly sprinting when im not looking huh
#i have so many things i need to do#before the semester starts again this fall#i need to work on comms. i need to work on a project due the end of the month. i want to do artfight. i want to make art for myself. i want#to do art studies. i want to start an alt drawing more suggestive stuff. i mean what who said that mustve been the wind#and thats just the things related to drawing.#i need to organize my room. i need to learn [redacted]. i want to cook more. i want to socialize more. i want to play games. i want to-#watch and read and listen to so many things#yet i have a finite amount of time to do everything#and half of a day is consumed by me just snoozing#and when i do work on something i feel like im Not Efficient Enough.#i cant just chill in vcs i need to be productive and draw too. and if i dont make significant progress then I Have Failed.#i cant just watch New Season of Show. thats Time Focused on One Singular Activity. gotta do multiple things at once or ill feel bad after#because i know that once the semester starts back up then im gonna be 90% less online#back to the depths of graphic design hell making infographics and powerpoints and brand identities#not having the time to draw anything furry or for myself for several months#anywho its 5am#i should go to sleep#sorry for the ramble im just. only now realizing how little time i have#when i wake up i have to really lock in on drawing and stuff#ive wasted so much time playing a game this past week#if i hadnt played it idve made so much more progress by now and im kicking myself so bad mentally now that im like mostly done w the game#gahhh#anywho yeah sorry for the ramble ill post more soon#sho.scramblin
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moon-jellie · 8 days ago
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Liveblogging from mandatory resume workshop!: I need to be sedated
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bredforloyalty · 17 days ago
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right now i feel like , i would be happy if i could go to work, come home, have a few hours for hobbies, watch movies and read and go to concerts and do my thang on here on off days and get drunk sometimes in the evening like really i don't need more i don't want anything else
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035kg · 4 months ago
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i got these new clothes and theyre so cute but my legs look so incredibly fat please tell me its the angle or i'll die fuckfuckfuckfuckckckck
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months ago
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...
#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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hunsa-jars · 3 months ago
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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drysauce · 4 months ago
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i mean it in the best way possible (to u) but wow from what u've been posting ur uni friends sound like fucking cunts. hope it gets better :/
haha well, yeah no i agree with you
the thing is it's not really uni friends. those just either don't reply or reply that they're busy when it's about something esle than school, they're clear with us that they have their own friend groups they value more and outside of the university setting we don't really keep in touch too much. i mean i tried befriending one girl but it eventually backfired at me so i decided it's not worth to spend my time and health on that
the thing that's happening lately is with people i have known before for ~5 years out of which one of them is my rommate. and only around january/february this year it started becoming clear what we stand on. that's probably why the whole thing is so frustrating to me now, especially that situationship with my roommate/best friend that we ended up in. it's such a complicated and multilayered situation at this point that it's just simply more tiring than upsetting
but in any case thanks for nice words, i hope it gets better too
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95enthusiast · 1 year ago
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missing uni atm we turned the whiteboard in our class into a gigantic mural and this was one of my many contributions
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kvothes · 3 months ago
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suffercerebral · 6 months ago
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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invisiblyvisiblejay · 3 days ago
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having my regulary scheduled mental breakdown 👍
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armenelols · 6 months ago
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Yeah I've just realised it's been months since I posted or reblogged or replied to anything on here, so. Yeah. Obligatory announcement that I am still alive and well. My mind got wiped midway through exam season at the end of january and since they then I've been vibing in a stress free world where I am not worried about anything or doing anything
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