#aziraphale's barber

[inezrable]

New Gaimanverse ship: Aziraphale's barber x the Corinthians's eye-dentist

[chaoticvictorianspirit]

On strange jobs and family legacies

(or how a certail Mr. Fell got himself a barber in the 1800's and has been visiting him ever since...or so he believes)

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a very short drabble inspired by this post by @andhumanslovedstories (hope you don't mind me taking this delicious inspo, shoving it down my greedy throat and running away with it like a feral dog)- anyway enjoy!

*somewhere in London, at a pub, in the wee hours of the morning probably*

"So the job market's damn tough these days, right? The missus thinks I oughta spruce up my applications but I just.. how does one even go about adding 'amateur occult barber' to their CV?"

"Probably list it as a special skill. Wait, what do you mean occult?"

*shrugs* "Yeah, man, my family's been, like, haunted? For generations. This strange fella pops up every four years like clockwork to get his haircut. His hair doesn't actually grow all that much though so he mostly just gossips for a bit and then leaves. Some thought he was a vampire but he shows up in mirrors just fine, so...my money's on ghost."

"Ha, right. That's enough whiskey for you, mate. You're wasted."

"Am not! It's all true! Goes all the way back to my great-great-great-great-maybe even greater-grandfather! We kinda pass him down through generations. You know how some families have, like, war medals and gold watches and stuff as heirlooms? Think that, but a bit more fucked up. There's even this big family book of all his crazy stories and all!"

"...you realise how insane you sound, right?"

"Meh, you get used to it. His tips alone put the last five generations of my family through university so we just kinda stopped asking questions."

"So you're telling me. You're haunted. By a billionaire ghost."

"Yup."

"And he doesn't...I don't know, torment you in any way? Just.. asks you to cut his hair."

"Uh-uh. Not so big on the whole door-slamming, wall-scratching, book-throwing business. Just got a knack for personal grooming I suppose."

"...Brian, you're an accountant."

"Yeah. I don't think he noticed."

[good-omens-heritage-posts]

good omens heritage post

hey have we ever addressed the fact that Aziraphale has a barber because I have a few questions. namely

who

why

where

for how long

for what

do his hairs grow

shaving???

why 

who

perhaps the role of Aziraphale’s barber is one passed down through generations. one family has been grooming Mr. Fell for centuries. they pass down the gossip of his life like sacred lore. when he sits down and says, “well you won’t BELIEVE what crowley has done this time?” the barber racks their family’s collective memory and is able to say, “it can’t be as bad as that time in prussia.” and Mr. Fell whips around and goes, “WORSE. oh, just a bit off the top please, I can’t stand looking shaggy.” 

and then the barber pretends to cut Mr. Fell’s hair to above the collar because Mr. Fell’s hair doesn’t actually grow and the appointment is over when Mr. Fell has said all he needs to. he tips exceedingly well. no one’s sure if he’s generous or doesn’t understand money. 

[gleafer]

A close shave😍❤️

Sometimes demons need maintenance.

[linipik]

Maybe there are no decent barbershops in Heaven

[shades-o-grey]

So... I don't remember if it is established but I feel it's implied and basically an unstated fact that Crowley and Aziraphale's bodies don't require human functionalities such as the need to use a lavatory, sweat or age. - Any change in their appearance is intentionally made and manifested by their will or as a reflection of their emotional state (they can still feel sensations and discomfort etc.)

Basically, their appearance doesn't experience any change unless they want it to Hair doesn't grow or develop, and they don't age- they don't accumulate dirt or get dirty unless outside factors affect them (soot from a burning car/bookshop - Paintball stains and flying birthday cake etc.). They do not even need to shower or bathe. (Although I think Aziraphale still would because of the whole, 'I'd still know it was there... underneath' thing and just the whole indulgence of the activity would delight him)

Having established these conditions I now ask you this -

What exactly does Aziraphale even do when he visits his barber?

We know Aziraphale is a creature of comfort and habit. He very rarely changes his appearance and latches on to the things he likes. His hair we know doesn't exhibit change throughout the centuries - he mostly goes for a change in facial hair style in favour of the times fashion.

My theory is that Aziraphale visits his barber annually (or perhaps semi-annually) at the same time and on the same day.

As part of his little ritual, I posit that he "miracles" his hair to grow 2 inches in length the very morning of his appointments to see his Barber only to get the length cut back to its usual state - exactly.

Do I think Aziraphale on the appointed days also allows a miracle of scruff on his chin for a shave? Personally... No- I feel like Aziraphale would have a sensory issue / discomfort with the sensation of a dusting of small hairs groaning out of his face. But I do imagine he'd find the process of a professional shave quite relaxing and luxurious.

- Therefore I think he'd miracle a full fluffy beard just to have the satisfaction of having it lathered and shaved of again nice and smooth.

AND THEREFORE BEARD-ZERAPHALE MUST BE REAL!!!

Does he need to go to the barber? No? Does he experience the physical changes that would require a barber? Not unless he manifests them intentionally. Is it purely for self-indulgence? The relaxing routine experience of a haircut, a manicure, and a shave? Absolutely.

[penig]

Oh, it's just Mr Fell. He's always been here. (Don't talk about him. Not to outsiders. Best not to speculate.)

hello, apologies if you’ve already answered this but i couldn’t find it elsewhere

there’s a scene where aziraphale says he’s using a new cologne, recommended to him by his barber. why does he go to a barber? do celestial beings grow and subsequently have to trim their hair? do celestial being grow at all? do their corporeal forms require self hygiene/maintenance?

i also thought it was kind of odd that mr “wears exactly one outfit for decades at a time” fell would just switch up his cologne on a whim. out of curiosity, how long ago was that suggestion actually made to him? long enough for crowley to have noticed the change and already made peace with it, seemingly

thats all, ciao

No, celestial beings don't. But Aziraphale likes doing things that people do, and he likes being pampered. He'll have been going to the same barber's shop for over 200 years now, after all. Probably the last stocks of the cologne that he's been using since 1970 just ran out and they needed a new one...

[yokai-girlie]

me when i’ve been stripped of all of my free will by a governing body

[bumblingbabooshka]

If Uriel said I think too much I'd get a lobotomy

[marauderswolf22]

hdc that aziraphale would miracle his hair longer just so he can go to a barber and talk bout stuff

[omennatural]

I need to know who Aziraphale's barber is. I need to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

[beautifulenemychild]

NO WAY

OMG YOU GUYS—there is a perfumery with an entire section of @neil-gaiman perfume (and a whole category of Good Omens, and yes, Crowley and Aziraphale have their own scents).

[willowfernn]

Another fic, the one’s a one-shot :3 Mild hurt/comfort :3

[gleafer]

SMASH

There’s a reason Aziraphale has a barber.

[fledglingdoodles]

Barber? I Hardly Know 'Er!

My comic for @bildadzine ft BeardyButch!Crawley and OstensibleFemme!Aziraphale! Because surely the concept of 'one of us is the ''''''man'''''' in public so we can kiss' has been in practice far longer than we have had the terms to describe it.

[knifeforkspooncup]

Displays of affection I think would fit Aziraphale and Crowley's canon relationship and characterization (Part III):

Part I here

Part II here

Part IV here

Crowley giving into Aziraphale's begging to drive the Bentley and Crowley rage-napping in the passenger seat so he doesn't have to endure the agony of being conscious for Aziraphale driving under the speed limit.

Crowley miracling Aziraphale's waistcoat back to pristine condition as a surprise after phoning around to find out if anyone can repair it "the human way" (they can't and he gets increasingly grouchy about it).

Aziraphale convincing Crowley to come to the barber with him instead of just miracling his appearance the way he wants ("its quite lovely!"). Crowley protests the entire time but Aziraphale can tell he enjoys it.

Crowley hearing Aziraphale talk about a book he loves and secretly reading it so he can know what the big deal is.

Aziraphale making his best effort to swear once in a while just to see the look of demonic joy on Crowley's face (Aziraphale pretends to be embarrassed and horrified ofc).

Aziraphale bringing frozen peas on their walks in case Crowley sees ducks (and keeping them miraculously frozen).

Are you sick of these yet?