#autism traits getting worse over time

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autistic Traits Becoming More Disabling Over Time

neurodivergent_lou

[theoutsiderscomfort]

I may have posted 4 headcanons yesterday and one this morning but the grind never stops.

Ponyboy Curtis Headcanons

He loves reading but he can’t buy his own books often so he borrows them a lot

Two-Bit for sure has stolen one or two for him, probably as a birthday gift

Darry didn’t approve of it but it made Ponyboy happy so he kept it to himself

He is the one kid in his class who actually reads the books instead of skimming the book to find the answers

He never gets rid of gone with the wind and it moves with him wherever he goes. College, his first apartment, his first house. That copy is probably still laying around to this day

He goes to college for literature, I mean are we even surprised here

He becomes a English teacher at school not too far from Tulsa so he can visit his brothers on the weekend

He writes his own book one day about what happened that night. The book being the outsiders (duh)

He writes a few book but the outsiders will always be his favourite because it was a way that people would always remember Johnny and Dally

I’m going to move on to the neurodivergent headcanon otherwise this will turn into angst headcanons

Ponyboy is autistic like Darry but people picked up on it more easily

Soda is the one who picked up on it first and told his parents. Soda may of been 7 but he picked up on it

Reading and movies are his special interests (it’s me. I’m Ponyboy)

Even Darry says in the movie that all Ponyboy concentrates on is movie and books

He has a lot of sensory issues with food which is one of the main traits he shows

Luckily for Darry, most of his safe foods are cheap stuff anyway

Unluckily for Darry, after the fire is when his issues with food becomes worse because everything taste like baloney

It took over a month for Ponyboy to start eating like he used to and the day it happens his brothers are full of relief

Even Two-Bit and Steve are relieved when they come into Pony eating a massive slice of chocolate cake. Steve wouldn’t even care that he stole the last slice

He hates wearing long sleeves most of the time which is why he hardly wears a jacket despite being cold

One last angsty headcanon to finish this off

He visits Johnny and Dally whenever he can. He just sits there quietly or talks about what has happened since he last visited

“Darry met this nice girl. She fits right in with the gang. You guys would of loved her”

I swear with Ponyboy and Darry the autism headcanons just flow out of me

[kittydragondraws]

This Fandom is Weirdly Misogynistic and Ableist

Yeah great title there bud.

So originally this was going to be a half-baked rant about how people disrespect V, but the more I brainstormed that I came to realize. This fandom in general has a problem with misogyny and even ableism towards not just V, but Uzi as well. Heck, I would almost say Uzi moreso.

When it comes to personality butchering, I'd say V gets it worse. The number of times I've seen people make her sound like some petty, vengeful ex makes me want to rip my laptop screen off its hinges.

And most of the reason they do this, episode 4.

When Uzi and V are together in the cabin, V tells Uzi that it's better to stay distant because she'll have to kill Uzi next. Afterwards saying that N's made friends with rocks before, and that he'd move on from her death just fine.

Now, I honestly love this scene. It's a moment where Uzi and V get to be together and V gets to show her true colors without having to hide them from N. She expresses her desire to kill Uzi, because she believes it'll keep N safe, and tells her about the rock friends to make her feel like she's just some cheap novelty to N. This scene is great.

Yet apparently, some people looked at this scene and saw it as V being jealous of Uzi's relationship with N and wanting to kill her over it.

Now I just have to ask... why. This scene is so easy to understand when you just sit and think about it, so why did so many people default to it being a ship thing?

Maybe because she's just a pantless whore who exists just for people to thirst over. At least, that's what Reddit bros and Discord trolls would have you believe.

Now, I do feel it's a bit stupid to look at an unpopular female character and say "well you'd like her if they were a guy", but with V I have a feeling that's exactly the case.

V's not fan service, she's not a hoe or some crazy ex. She's just trying to keep herself from losing one of the few sane constants in her crazy, messed-up life.

But of course, she can't be an intelligent or deep character, she's just a petty woman upset at Uzi for stealing her man and who needs to put on some pants.

Now Uzi, I'd have to say her treatment is worse. Not just because it's the same sexist bullshit V has to put up with, but because she's neurodivergent.

Okay, that was a lie, she's not canonically neurodivergent. But she does have a lot of traits of a neurodivergent person. Being a social outcast, thought of as weird because of her interests and behavior.

Most people who headcanon Uzi as neurodivergent seem to agree that she could have autism, ADHD, or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and I just wanna talk a bit more about her unofficial BPD diagnosis because I think that's the most fascinating out of the three.

In this image I highlighted some symptoms that feel very similar to personality traits Uzi has. Like, it's so similar it almost feels weird to say Uzi having BPD isn't canon.

Now I know what you're going to say, "But Kitty this is just people's headcanons."

And you know what? Fair honestly. But even if Uzi doesn't have autism, ADHD, or BPD, she almost definitely has some form of trauma and you'd be hard-pressed to try to argue with me she's neurotypical.

Uzi's not a pick me, she's a traumatized, possibly neurodivergent, girl trying to hold onto the first friend she's ever made.

Or hey? Maybe she should just suck it up and learn to take care of herself.

Honestly, this post is just a TLDR version of this.

[eris-abomination]

“I’m a wittle neuwospicy,,, Spicy is better than bland uwu,,,”

Consider the following:

• I’ve had hyperfixations so persistent that I’ve been unable to sleep regularly, work, or study for weeks at a time. Sometimes if I hyperfixate on a piece of media that isn’t completed or I’m not finished consuming yet, I’ll have an anxiety attack if the story or plot goes in a direction I don’t like or I’m not “used to.”

• Having a bad enough sensory day will cause me to shut down entirely, leaving me unable to interact with anyone or anything until I can get away from the stimulus that’s bothering me. A lot of the time, I can’t escape it without inconveniencing myself or others.

• Misophonia causes genuine aggression in me to the point where I’ll scream at anyone in my vicinity over a pencil tapping or muffled bass from someone’s car speakers, regardless of where I am. If I’m in a quiet room with others or a public space, it’s even worse.

• My stims can cause genuine harm if I’m in a bad enough state. If I’m too deep into a meltdown, I’ll compulsively start hitting myself and scratching my arms hard enough to draw blood until somebody stops me… which then leads to my state worsening because I can’t handle being touched unexpectedly.

• I can barely read people’s tones in some cases, leading to anxiety and breakdowns when I’m constantly assuming people are angry at me or that I’ve done something wrong.

I don’t say any of this to imply that being autistic is a life sentence of misery or any of that Autism Speaks bullshit, but autism isn’t a personality trait. It’s not a cutesy “disorder” that isn’t really a problem and makes you come off as Adorkable™ at worst.

It fucking sucks knowing that I’ll always struggle with these things while neurotypicals can just breeze through it without a second thought, and it sucks worse when some privileged 30-something-year-old white woman tries to tell me that I’m not disabled, I just have ✨superpowers✨ and 💕it’s good to be a little different💕.

[bisexualmcqueen]

Ok listen, I know you literally just posted about McQueen's parents, but I am already so obsessed with them and would love to know more about them!! 💙

ok so this has been sitting in my askbox since JULY (CRAZY??) and ive been thinking about it ever since. thank you for bearing with me<3 quite frankly i needed to reacquaint myself a bit longer with cars/my cars ocs after a 4 year long break!! lightning is about 43 now in 2024, which means i have 4 decades of his story to mentally keep track of (simply the flavor of autism i have). i bounce all over like a laserbeam in a hall of mirrors.

alright. oliver and donna time. blanket warning for varied implied child abuse/neglect. [background info this ask is referencing!!] ***

the very basic core of these characters is looking at lightning mcqueen and wondering how the hell he wound up all fucked up the way he did. hes got all the issues (he thinks hes sooo normal but there are so many things going on that arent right). so i invented a couple of fucked up guys to fuck him up (mildly to moderate) in his formative years.

oliver is the main culprit here. oliver mcqueen. yes- one of the core aspects of this character is "Two Of Them". what if there was Another mcqueen. imagine a second mcqueen man (dear god). he had a dad somewhere along the line. and what a guy, oh i'm sadly a bit obsessed with oliver. hes like if lightning mcqueen was Worse. hes a boomer from the boston metro area and he thinks he's cool as shit like bernie madoff doing investing fraud, trying to get rich. he thinks hes the wolf of wall street of texas. his head is completely up his own ass and hes a mean little idiot worm. hes supposed to be raising monty but all hes taught him is 'every man for himself' and how to close the door quietly. that and other things.

they live in the dallas metro area together from about 1988-1999. oli does not want to raise this kid, so he sort of just throws food and tires at him occasionally. monty spends a lot of time outside, raising hell (where'd you learn to fly like that, city boy?). typical racecar behaviors. (his teachers find him impossible to deal with often as well).

not to say that oliver is some irredeemable evil freak- hes funny, hes charming, hes a bit of a badass, hes sort of a hot pathetic mess in a funny way. he does pass on some decent traits to his son, gives him good advice occasionally. he's crazy, but he works in an office, so most of his schemes are social and criminal. i recently made an AU where he's a racer, so hoping to post more about that as i develop. (a successful oliver is much more frightening than one distracted by failure!)

this has oliver and monty vibes, oddly enough:

don't be fooled- oliver could never hold a candle to the heart of logan wolverine. oliver is a republican and he hates women (he loves women /derogatory). oliver sucks enough that lightning straightup considers doc to be his actual dad. next! ***

ah, donna. origin of abandonment issues, ring ring!

she's less developed than oliver because she exits stage left pretty early on in the story, but we still love her (or hate her, up to interpretation!) i actually recently gave her a full name even: Donna Ann SteelDust. yep, steeldust as in the mythical foundational sire of the American Quarter Horse breed. partly because texas, partly because i love horses, and partly because in the 1950's there lived a pair of quarter horses who were father and son named Doc and Lightning. and they were racing quarter horses to boot! oh, and partly because the mother of lightning mcqueen deservedly needs a badass name.

donna has monty at about age 20, with a godless charmer from faraway boston, out of wedlock, in a small community somewhere towards western texas in the early 80's. oliver is fresh out of uni and a couple years older. donna is a waitress at the local eatery. girl, your taste in men is abysmal. you can NOT fix him. traveler meet-cute gone wrong...

hes miserable enough of a partner that he is ultimately what drives donna to leave. gone in the wind one day when monty is about six. she met someone new. someone who she thinks is kinder.

she puts the tv to RSN every sunday. she likes watching races- radio when theres no tv. when monty becomes obsessed, she gets him a little strip weathers figurine when shes out of town one day that he manages to hold onto til his teen years. they sit in front of the tv and watch together, and have popcorn made on the stovetop. when lightning recalls his mother, this is the first place his mind goes.

she didnt want a kid (as in unplanned). she didnt consciously try to be a good parent (neither did oliver). but she was sweet. well, sometimes, when she wasnt being a hot mess and stirring up drama.

originally, i was going to have her die before lightning became famous. oliver was going to also be dead by now (2024). but ive got some new ideas- oliver is in prison, donna is in denial about her famous son and festering with guilt. she does not reach out to him. (latter idea from Non).

to boil them down further: donna believes in love, oliver believes in money. they go about it the wrong way. they make mistakes. (part of lightning's obsession with money is in unconscious spite of his father- he wants to prove a point, that he was doing it all wrong, he can do better, he can Win ['i'll show him!']. consciously, lightning's money worries are about his own longevity. there is no lightning mcqueen parts factory: hes some sort of rare 1 of 1 anomaly. unconsciously again: death [mortality, time lost, being forgotten] frightens him. out loud, he says wrecking does. he does not connect any of these dots fully.)

a looottt of this is in flux, these characters still need significant development. but its a story about loneliness, about escaping the cycle, about finding your wings. this is not lightning's family, this isnt where he lands. he doesnt have christmas at ma's. you cant go home again- there's no one there for you and there never was. cps doesnt save you. you find yourself.

mostly this all comes from my fascination with lightning's mysterious origin. and frustration with it. what do you mean the only in-film lore we get is "i've been dreaming about it my whole life!" and "glen elen- my first win!". all his convoluted emotional shielding (for a minute there). he jumps at loud sounds and thinks someone is shooting at him. his natural jackass behavior even after he is 'reformed.' his clearly ignored mental health concerns. he drives me insane forreal. lightning mcqueen i will dissect you and put your parts spread out on a clean workbench you bitch. i will label and graph you in 4D space. im putting you in the bee centrifuge.

gonna cap this off with a recent sketch of donna. turns out corvettes are IMPOSSIBLE to draw, send help. more info about this timeperiod/my ocs are filed under the "origin fic era" and "my ocs" tags on this blog (mostly barren at this time though. will add more.). excited to refine these characters even more as time goes on!

thank you again for the ask!

[ominous-feychild]

I have a Problem in that I love to over-explain things even when I don't need to.

Especially when I don't need to. 😭

On that note! I'm working on my introduction post again (take a guess how many times I've gone to work on it and then stopped) and I went too in-depth when I should really be focusing on making it shorter, haha.

Except... I don't want to get rid of what I've written, and still want to share it.

SOLUTION!

My Obsessions:

✦ Fantasy, horror, mystery, action, and exploration of realistic characters' reactions to the things they go through.

What I write tends to be a reflection of this. My main works are high fantasies placed in what I feel is a more realistic setting--not as in grimdark "realistic", but places that are very used to the existence of magic. Someone who's grown up in a place with magical basically-electricity shouldn't spend five pages fawning over the existence of teleporters. Maybe they'll be surprised. Maybe they'll even be impressed. But unless they have some kind of a special interest in the subject, they'll probably spend more time thinking about how convenient it'll be for them rather than how it works, what it means, and the long, long history of magic... which has been around them for their whole life.

✦ Fairy tales, mythology, and folklore

I called myself "ominous-feychild" for a reason, haha. I like horror, I love fantasy, I adore faeries, and dear god--am I in LOVE with putting them all together! In folklore, faeries weren't cute little pixies that helped everyone around them... or even tiny little pixies that annoyed everyone around them (most of the time). They were the things that went "bump" in the night, that you huddled in close with your loved ones when you thought you might've caught their attention... Or, they made you question if your sister's eyes were always that far apart. Wait, was your bedroom there before? Did... did you even have a sister??? Well, you do now. And you might want to start running.

✦ "Ye Olde History" and language

"Ye Olde" meaning "the further away from modern day, the better." I can appreciate steampunk and actually often implement it into my own writing, but I do not consider Victorian England to be old. Civilization has been tracked back to as early as 4000 BCE, and it's way too easy to google that to think history actually started when Jesus was put on the cross. (Note: I am a merciless agnostic and hate what Christianity did to our world's history. So much was erased just because some bigots thought "stupid people don't think and act exactly like me, they're clearly barbaric! Time to erase their entire culture, massacre their people, and/or destroy their creations! Empathy be damned!!!" Fuck Christianity. To any Christians reading this, I don't mean you--just your religion. But you have to admit, it really sucks.)

✦ DIVERSITY!!!

As I just alluded to, I love learning about things that are unlike me. And, even more than that, I love people feeling like they have a place they belong. I've gone most of my life feeling ostracized, I'm not just going to perpetrate that cycle myself. Besides! It gets exhausting being in echo chambers with the same-old white cishet stories all the time.

✦ Explorations of "evil-coded" characters and abilities--aka, not just showing them as evil. Show them as people (for characters) and tools (for abilities)!

This is actually kind of personal to me. Autism and other disabilities have historically most often been relegated to villains because we're somehow "worse" than everyone else. Even I fell into that trap in the past, accidentally making a villain autistic-coded before I got my diagnosis. Now, I love putting people with questionable traits, powers, and backstories on the good side while the typically "good" things end up as villains. Something something, humans want freedom and freedom is chaos, something something, order is forcing things into boxes they might not particularly fit in because "otherwise, where else would they go???"

✦ Learning!!!

This might be weird, but I have a genuine love for just learning! (Not school, just learning.) I go down rabbit holes researching things all the time--and not just for writing! Obviously two of my favorite subjects are history and language, but I also love earth science and the ways our planet regulates itself to try to maintain balance! (And then we humans screw it up but.) Even in general, I love learning about random things, so if you ever have a weird infodump you really want to share, feel free to tag me in it and I'll check it out!!!

Yeah, by the way, this is linked to my actual intro post!

Divider by @cafekitsune

[cure-icy-writes]

Okay so. I've been watching the notes on the @pokemischaracterization polls and oh my goodness this is fascinating. A brief summary of trends I've noticed this far:

-ingo and emmet are both in the bracket, but many people say that their characterization is largely fanon and difficult to get wrong. I'm going to argue that you can get it wrong, actually. Because of the ableism. If you write Ingo as someone who likely has an anxiety disorder that masks itself behind his autism symptoms, that's a perfectly reasonable interpretation. If you write him as being a secret zoroark who ate babies and is in a yandere situationship, you may want to re-examine some things.

-nemona, rose, and raihan are all victims of fandom racism. nemona made it to the yandere fandom wiki, and raihan gets similar treatment with people calling him "feral". Chairman Rose is in a much more ambiguous position, as he did in fact do several things wrong! But that just makes it trickier to spot the biases.

-Silver and Lusamine both get the "mischaracterized by their own source material" lament. I haven't gathered enough data on Silver, but Lusamine has canon trying to claim she did nothing wrong in later installments and interpretations, while retaining many of her abusive behaviors in USUM. While pokemon is a multimedia franchise and characterization may vary between adaptations, it does come off like they're trying to walk back on their themes earlier about child abuse.

-Lusamine and Cynthia both seem to get their characterization erased in favor of making them. Hm. Can't say that unless I want to mark the post 18+, but in particular, a lot of fanartists draw them in a way that appeals to a very particular crowd. Lusamine's toxicity is swept under the rug, and Cynthia's kindness and genuine love for the world and her history is dismissed as being unfitting for the particular fantasy that these people want to fulfill.

-Autism coding is something that comes up a LOT. Ingo, Emmet, and N are all a victim of zoroark AUs, a fresh spin on the changeling story that rehashes the same harmful tropes as the original without doing any introspection. In particular, N is infantilized and his character arc of understanding that he has a human heart is erased. which is suspicious because this mischaracterization is a mirror image of ghetsis' abuse. Nemona is viewed by some people as being autistic, hence her overly enthusiastic nature and inability to pick up on social cues. And she's criticized for these same traits.

-Special mention to magma admin Courtney! We're not sure if she's autistic or something else, but she's compared to a robot rather than a zoroark. Diversity loss! Ableism finds a way!

-Cyrus and Volo are character foils, who both wanted to remake the world but have friendship evolutions to show how they're not uncaring or heartless. Fandom seems to be allergic to nuance on them, with Yandere Volo headcanons especially. Volo seems to have it a lot worse, though.

-Red and Blue are somehow mischaracterized? Maybe I'm just not in the right corners of the fandom, but they seemed pretty straightforward to me. Hell, I'm a pretty big fan of Blue's characterization in pokemas, where he's presented as a cocky mentor sort who's largely mellowed out over the years and takes a lot of the newer rival characters under his wing.

-Kamado gets turned into a hate sink. My theory on this is that it's about the way the information about him is presented; he's wary of you to begin with and the banishment comes off as irrational, and then the banishment happens. By the time you learn enough about him to make him feel sympathetic, you're being attacked by a ninja who is likely trying to kill you, and then you have other things to worry about. More information about his backstory is hidden in subtext and minor quest dialogue that you could easily miss.

Anyways! This is just me liking to analyze data and trends. If you have information you'd like to add, feel free!

[ladyhindsight]

So recently I fell back down the rabbit hole that is the Shadowhunters series about five years after I finished all the available books with City of Heavenly Fire. While The Mortal Instruments and The Infernal Devices haven’t really stuck significantly in my mind until I stumbled across your critiques of City of Lost Souls, it is a different story with The Dark Artifices. In a very bad way. Trite writing, a weird focus on features considered “exotic” (Emma’s blonde hair, Julian’s blue-green eyes, etc), generally poor character writing, the standard faire of issues that come from CC’s writing. But in particular I remember having issues with Ty Blackthorn and how his autism was portrayed, as someone who was professionally diagnosed. From what I recall from his arcs (specifically in QoAaD) a lot of his actions felt steeped in vainglory, him being confused about Kit leaving with Tessa without saying goodbye after heavily hurting Kit emotionally during the attempt to resurrect Livvy is the foremost example I can think of. It honestly really fucked with me when I first read it and made my internalized ableism a lot worse, something I am still trying to get over even now, as it made me afraid that is how other people saw me due to being on the spectrum. All that aside though, I wanted to ask you, since you generally are more familiar than CC’s work than I due to reading it at a more recent time, if people do consider Ty to be good autistic representation, and why or why not that may be. I want to know if my malice for Ty and what felt like an extremely offensive and, dare I say, borderline stereotypical portrayal of autism is just me being a bitch or if it is a common complaint amongst those willing to criticize Clare’s work.

Sorry if that was a massive fucking word salad I’ve been meaning to ask someone this question for almost half a decade after reading QoAaD😭😭

THE BLACKTHORN EYES. You shan’t forget. It’s been five years since I read Queen of Air and Darkness and I haven’t.

I find it difficult to assess to some degree how good a specific representation is. As to Ty, I’ve seen readers being incredibly happy with him and then vice versa like you. The difficulty lies in the way I think it’s misleading to look for general assertions in characters like Ty. How could you possibly represent a whole group of people that exists on a spectrum with varying degrees of symptoms that manifest in wide variety of ways with just one character? Another facet to the difficulty in assessing the quality of representation (Ty’s or in general) is that I hardly, if at all, identify with or like characters based on some traits they possess rather than how the character is in general, how the character works within the story, and what their dynamic is like with the other characters. The impression of a character is created in interaction with all the other elements of the book.

Ty is just one individual, and I’ve never looked at him as anything other than him being a representation of who he is, not what other people with autism generally are. Ty was based on a son of Clare’s friend, so I’d feel weird completely denouncing Ty's character, especially as someone not on the spectrum. Then again we all know how badly Clare translates real life stuff into her works and her writing, so… That being said, there are certain characteristics—I mean there has to be for a diagnosis even to exist or to be made—that need to be present. And those present with Ty, as you said, seem borderline if not exactly stereotypical.

What I am trying to say is that in and of itself and completely separate from the other elements, I don’t think Ty is the worst written character. My issue with Ty’s representation lies in its utilization in the story. For years now, Clare’s inclusion of different issues (social, societal, psychological, medical, neuropsychiatric etc.) has seemed more performative than genuine, which is relayed by the fact that the stories do not really focus on these issues, but mostly sidesteps them in favor of some boring aspect to the main romantic relationship. What truly then infuriates me, is treating what is supposed to be that representation almost as the sole aspect to that character, completely over-saturating their existence with this one (in this case) disorder, and then use it as a tool to elevate other characters.

The problem is glaring when Ty doesn’t live outside of that fact that he has autism but rather becomes the embodiment of it (especially considering there are no other characters with autism included in the series). People are more than their disorders, and though they are massive parts of everyday lives and sources of serious struggles to some people, reducing someone’s existence to just that is not it. Ty was there for the purpose of elevating Julian’s devotion and care for his family, to emphasize the love he has and the lengths he would go to in order to protect them. Clare wrote in one of her answers that she was glad people picked up on Ty’s autism, but how could they not? It was pushed into almost every scene he was in just so the readers would take notice. Clare does not know subtlety or subtext or have any sense of proportionality for which the writing was excessive.

You’re not a bitch lol, and what you said here is a common criticism from what I’ve ever seen. I don’t think you really need my take on whether to hold onto your malice (just offering my winding perspective here, bon appétit), since here you have justified and reasoned your opinion and feelings about Ty completely appropriately. Though it’s been years since I’ve interacted with anything to do with Clare’s fans or their opinions other than book reviews, I’ve found that the readers who tend to praise her writing rarely have such distinguished reasons for why so.  

Word salads are always welcome. I feel like I’m offering you one in return. :’)

[catchyhuh]

TOUCH O THE TISM

lupin’s brain is fucked up! let’s talk about it

and i mean TALK talk about it baby. everyone’s experience with their brain makeup shit is different, and there are many different “symptoms”/traits that tend to overlap between. are they still called mental illnesses. states of mind. conditions? awugh no that sounds even worse. WHATEVER THIS IS ME SAYING this is less about the medical diagnoses, this is just the manifestations of SOME type of neurodivergency that shine through in their weirdo behaviors, habits, and mindscapes. now let’s really go here:

lupin: 

we have discussed before his uncanny ability to shut down literally everything to hyperfixate on one task. sometimes for weeks at a time like IN canon, IN canon he will do this shit and not stop until a) he’s reached his goal/the endpoint, or b) he is physically forcibly removed from the subject in question

this will sound nuts to you but i think lupin is sound sensitive. yes i know but listen. he’s always the first to wince/recoil at a loud sound, even if he’s not TRULY bothered by it-- ex: zenigata shouts, lupin KNOWS he’s going to shout, anticipates the volume, even, but still tenses up, even though he’s grinning and actively enjoying the fact that he brought that upon himself. so, to balance that, lupin has decided he’s just going to be louder than whatever’s out there that could bother him. you may have noticed the company he shares hotel rooms with is almost always reserved and quiet unless he is the one instigating and encouraging the rowdiness. boom baby case and point.

all in all it’s surprisingly only something you notice if you spend a significant amount of time around him. he’s autistic i promise. its just. well. he’s hyperfixated on cash and his special interest is getting bitches

jigen:

jigen is very picky. and i mean cheers i’ll drink to that. nobody touch him. nobody speak too loud. nobody fuck with how he likes his drink. nobody touch his gun (you’ll mess it up) NOBODY DO ANYTHING. save for a very, very select few. 

light sensitive. not very shocking given the fact his hat is almost more of a signature item for him than his magnum but ANYWAY! it’s why he’s so particular that it must be HIS hat!! the thickness, the way it sits, the way it shadows his eyes especially, all of this is important. “but wait” you could hypothetically maybe be saying, “wouldn’t that extend to his bangs? in the whole shielding him from the light sense. wouldn’t it just make more sense if he always kept his bangs over his eyes like that?” yes! you’re so right if you were saying that! i don’t know why you would be but regardless. uh, yeah, it would make the most sense for him to ALWAYS have them pushed over his eyes, but. have you ever sacrificed comfort for fashion. that slicked back look is NICE dude

all n all jigen is the “‘Nobody had Autism until recently’ right cuz your grandpa who only wore the same type of shirt, took the same sandwich to work every day and knows everything about the inner workings of a 1979 Ferrari was SO neurotypical” meme. 

fujiko:

absolute. crown champ of masking. what the fuck. i don’t even think she herself has realized because all of it has been pushed down for so long. which part of this might just be, sorry if this is too realistic and boring but like. diagnosis sexism? people do not notice neurodivergent traits in girls as easily. or that’s what they SAY but they somehow schoolyard bullies can pick up on it very easily! point being, they say that with girls it tends to manifest as talkativeness in the right environments, but when suppressed in those formative years, those girls grow up into women who have a million things to say but only say two of them, meaning her mind is just SWIMMING with insane thoughts and shit. that’s how you get fujikos bro. you have to let that little girl be weird and explain spyro the dragon in exact detail to you or she’ll grow up to be a calculated murderer/world famous thief

now if you actually brought it up she would dismiss you and make some remark like “not wanting polyester to touch your skin isn’t a sensory issue, it’s a lifestyle choice” which. ok yeah haha good one fujicakes but i’ve noticed that you tend to favor dresses/shirts that leave your arms free without any fabric brushing on them, and for someone who’s so focused on the VALUE of fashion you’re cutting the insewn tags off these clothes..? what’s that about baby where did that come from? yeah the joke about “oh yes i totally wear heels because i hate my soles touching the ground, not because i just happen to love high fashion” was funny but you actually do tend to walk around on the balls of your feet barefoot too. that’s not good for you fujiko that can do damage to the nerves in your legs (yes really if you’re reading this and you do that it can cause permanent issues in your legs SO TRY TO BREAK THAT HABIT IF POSSIBLE)

also traces of hyperfixating, just not as obviously visible as it is with lupin. with fujiko it’s almost undercover. like, reading her phone under the table, just happening to suggest watching this one movie that happened to be praised for how accurately it replicates the layout of this one museum the gang has been thinking about infiltrating, a few hyperspecific books mixed in with standard romance schlock she’s most definitely not reading from the library just to pad out that receipt. it’s not so much a conscious choice to microdose feeding the beast so to speak, it’s more that she’s forced herself to commit more to her image than anything, so she’s accidentally pacing herself like that

goemon:

MENTIONED BEFORE BUT WE BELIEVE IN TOUCH AVERSE GOEMON IN THIS HOUSE! DO NOT BE BUGGING THIS GUY SLINGING YOUR ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER OR YOU WILL GET CHOPPED IN THE GUT!! unless you are one of a select few (are you noticing a trend with the collection here) might also partially be a texture thing too, because i can’t think of another reason someone would subject themselves to the insanely uncomfortable plan of wearing your normal clothes UNDER a tuxedo despite the fact you have to squeeze that giant billowing fabric in there

“bbububut i thought autistic people struggled with eye contact” not goemon ishikawa the 13th bitch. you are getting intensely stared at like a claw machine just barely dangling the prize over the pit. he wants you to know he’s paying attention! he’s listening! sure he might be paying attention to see if he can pick up on nervous tics to tell if you’re lying, and maybe he’s listening that intently to catch you when you slip up, BUT HEY, we don’t know that! to his credit goemon only SOMETIMES realizes how intimidating this can be, and only SOMETIMES intentionally weaponizes it, but… still, very intense eye contact

hell man aside from his stubbornness and pride even his picky food taste might tie into this a bit. anybody who’s been hooked on one specific “safe food” for like two months gets it, especially the fact that goemon can instantly tell when the food is “wrong.” if you cooked this meat for two seconds too long, if you didn’t let the rice sit long enough, if you cheaped out and used some generic alternative-- well on that last one he might not blame you as much because this economy IS pretty rough, but the point is, he can immediately tell and WILL tell the chef to their face “you did this wrong. do better next time.” unfortunately most people don’t take kindly to that and because of goemon’s nature when he’s caught off guard he’ll go “sorry. sorry just let me… let me show you i suppose” and next thing he knows he’s teaching an impromptu cooking course. we went kinda off the rails on this one didn’t we. oops!

zenigata:

if monkey punch meant it when he said “zenigata can’t be stupid, because that would mean lupin is stupid,” then because lupin is insane, zenigata must also, naturally, be insane, in some of the same flavors

the main thing about him is that he’s so damn resilient he doesn’t actually SAY anything unless he really wants to complain. he might be thinking “god why is cottage cheese like this. this is kind of gross” but he’ll still EAT it, “the sun is WAY too bright and i lost my hat AGAIN this fucking SUCKS” but he’s stlil going to be outside because he knows he HAS to be out there. toughing it out and only SLIGHTLY whining about it. really the only time he makes it known outside of offhanded grumbly complaints is when lupin is the source of it. if lupin is like bouncing his leg in the passenger side of the cop car (because god forbid he stuff him in the backseat right) zenigata just grabs his knee and stares at him until lupin is like “oh oops! sorry. is that distracting?” and then 10 minutes later he starts it up again. the line between ‘this is driving my brain insane’ and ‘i just have beef with anything that brings you, personally, delight” is very thin

but ironically zenigata can’t stay still very long himself either. if he’s been stuck sitting for more than 25 minutes he can feel his insides shrinking up and withering away. maybe that’s why he chews on shit like a hyena gnawing off its own leg to escape predators. anything to get the zoomies out dude. 

i don’t have to tell you that this bitch is also dangerously intensely hyperfixating right. i don’t have to go into this? like you. we’re looking at the same guy here. right? okay. so long as this point is understood

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

is it ok for me to hate being autistic, even though i have low support needs? sorry, long rant ahead! i’ve got a lot on my mind

so im a teen who was diagnosed with autism only last year, so im still kinda new to this. over time i realized that i really hate a lot of my audhd traits. i feel like i can’t complain tho, cause i’m getting help for my issues, but i still hate that they’re there in the first place. i hate how i can’t learn in school, because i get so easily overstimulated or unfocused and because of that i have to spend time in the guidance, and i love my counsellor don’t get me wrong, but i wish that i didn’t need to recharge after only 4 hours of school. i wish i could be like my peers who can keep going for the whole day, they don’t miss important discussions, they don’t miss spending time with their friends. i wish i could spend time with my family without at some point hating their voices and thinking of ripping my baby sister’s throat out which i know is bad, and i hate that my brain goes to those thoughts so easily. and nobody around me even understands, they call people autistic as an insult and my friends don’t see why my autism is such a big deal to me but it is. it’s something that’s made my whole life worse. i hate that when i was a kid, i would get meltdowns so easily that my parents would shout at me in public, my peers would laugh at me, and my friends would only stay with me out of pity when really they were talking shit about me behind my back. i just wish i wasn’t autistic. and i hate that i just have to deal with it, because frankly even with my school being farther ahead than most in accommodations it still doesn’t feel like enough. idk, i just wish things was easier.

Hi there,

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. But I can’t dictate what you feel and why you should feel it. I think it’s somewhat normal for self hatred, but I could be totally wrong.

Maybe my followers can provide insights on this, surely some have gone, or are going through a similar situation.

I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your question. But I appreciate the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[thetisming]

was talking about this with my cool and awesome beloved friend Monty and i think yall deserve to hear it too so:

if Frankie was one of those part-dog people (anthro dog or like Evan from ni no kuni but a dog) and had a tail it would start wagging whenever May kisses him and hes super embarrassed about it at first but May thinks it's seriously the cutest thing ever. and basically heres my thoughts about it

-Lance is an anthro dog person, like how Evan's dad was a grimalkin and that's why hes part dog just like why Evan was part cat. his mum is still whatever ethnicity the Frankie youre thinking of is (i'll be saying Saanvika cause. Yash) and dog Lance is still french

-he has dog ears as well that prick up sometimes

-his tail wags when he gets excited, he cant control it easily but he learned to when he was a teenager (had the same effect as masking + like masking, was harder at certain times and he sometimes failed. also he was masking autism at this time which made things even worse)

-when hes really excited it's a lot harder to mask, and he manages to for a while with May (they obviously know about the tail but not about a lot of stuff with it) but the first time they kiss his hand his tail wags because it's just so cute and romantic to him

-hes so embarrassed about it. he apolagises over and over again and is pretty clearly blushing

-May however thinks it's ADORABLE. like they cant stop giggling over it cause he's just so cute and in the middle of his rambling about it they kiss him again and his tail just wags more even if hes trying to not

-he still tries to hide it after that but after hearing how cute May finds it he tries to work on not, hes also working on not masking autism at the same time. it's hard but he's trying his best

-the fur is soft. not always because growing up he was even more embarrassed about it so he didn't brush it as much, but before Saanvika died she would brush his fur when she was brushing his hair, but now that hes an adult hes taking better care of it (he didn't let it get too bad as a kid though), and May lovesss brushing his tail and ears (hes also a bit hairier than the average person, so his body hair also needs to be brushed). they do it when theyre cuddling or just if hes lying down theyll do it just to have something to do

-May also washes his fur so that it stays soft, and he loves that so much. they normally wash his hair at the same time and he just gets very giggly about it

-since hes obviously still part human + Lance is anthro (i assume that in this universe that's pretty normal, again much like in Ni No Kuni) hes not super dog like, but he does exhibit certain dog traits, although less than the average dog-person since hes half dog

-May genuinely thinks the tail thing is so cute. like they squealed the first time it happened, and they also love that it means hes happy because him being happy makes them happy too

-he also stims still, so he'll be flapping his hands and wagging his tail at the same time

-when hes nervous/shy/scared his tail goes between his legs

-he makes dog noises! for instance growling, barking and whimpering, and he doesnt do it much but for instance if someone seems like theyre going to hurt his friends, family or May he will growl, and whimpering when he wants attention, and barking when hes excited or scared

-sometimes he gets questions about what he thinks of furries because 'well arent they humans pretending to be animals?' and he thinks it's dumb because a lot of furries are also anthro animals and most anthro animals have no problems with it. he is very sick of this question, especially because they tend to come from humans who are just ableist and anti-furry

-adding onto that, Fletcher asked him about dog stuff when he was designing his fursona and he had a lot of fun. these are the kinds of furry questions he actually wants cause he loved helping Fifi

-he has slightly sharper teeth than the average human, but less sharp than the average dog. he likes this a lot

-although being anthro is pretty normal, theres some places where it's not and May is completely ready to punch someone for Frankie. so are Juliet and Romeo and everyone basically

this was pretty fun lol i might do more :)

[triptychofvoids]

Hey, hey sunshine, considering how many cute sketches with a Medic you draw for people

Can I ask a question to a Medic from your headcannons?

Mr. Medic, what was the first reaction of Heavy to your autism? Did he notice sensory overload or other signs of autism not characteristic of neurotypical people? (may the author forgive me for such stupid questions ":D)

from very near the beginning most of the mercs would know something is a bit different about him, it would be fairly obvious if youre paying enough attention. medic wouldnt really mask very much (if at all) so other people would pick up on something eventually.

the rest under the cut because. this got a bit longer than intended ^^;

when medic makes eye contact its either all or nothing, hes either staring into your soul the whole time or he isnt looking at your face at all. hes more than happy to talk for hours on end about what he wants to talk about and doesnt really notice that he hasnt given the other person a chance to speak for the past 40 minutes. he doesnt really hide his stims (with a few exceptions) so it wouldnt be uncommon to see him rocking in his seat even if only a little or wringing his hands or waving them around when hes excited or anything like that. hes openly very picky about certain foods and drinks. ive already mentioned him having very low empathy. he tends to already be fairly quick to annoyance and anger but nothing pushes him over the edge like hearing sounds out in the common areas of the base while hes trying to sleep or focus on something and hes gotten into more than one argument trying to get whichever merc is out there being loud to be quiet. etc etc etc i could go on.

but at first even though a lot of this would be noticed by the other mercs many of them would just assume its because hes a little weird and eccentric or something, but eventually each of them would probably get their chance to learn more about it or possibly be forced to learn about it if the situation called for it.

now to finally get to heavy xD

he would have noticed many of these traits and like some of the others just brushed it off as medic being a bit weird at first, but i think hed get his first realization moment the first time that medic has a shutdown in front of him (hed have meltdowns too but hed be more prone to shutdown. it does depend on the situation though). maybe they had a really tough battle that day, medic maybe loses a glove and gets some clothes ripped or something, everyones dying everyones getting hurt even more and worse than usual, its completely awful the entire time and medic starts getting sensory overload but has to keep going until they finish the battle obviously. anyway maybe they actually manage to pull off the win somehow and when heavy goes to congratulate medic, hes unresponsive. not completely unresponsive but hes walking around avoiding touching or even standing too close to everything and everyone, he hasnt said a single word since the battle ended (and come to think of it, he had been talking less and less as the battle progressed), any of his usual over the top expressiveness is completely gone. heavy tries to figure out whats wrong but all his questions are met with a blank stare and medic more or less trying to get away from him. so heavy is thinking this is awful,, something broke doktor,, but, look, heavy is a smart man ok?

hed figure out that medic clearly isnt in the mood for talking so hed instead try short yes and no questions in his usual quiet and caring way. are you injured? are you angry with someone? do you want to be alone? can i help? and medic maybe answers with a small head shake or a little hum of affirmation, which takes a lot of energy and he wants nothing more than to collapse right there on the floor, but if it means heavy will be able to understand whats going on and it will get him the best outcome as fast as possible then he tries his best. heavy doesnt really know exactly whats going on but he works out that the poor guy just needs to be alone for a while so he helps escort him to his room or the infirmary or wherever he leads and helps keep everyone else away from him. once they get there heavy stands outside and waits because he realizes that anyone coming in there to bother medic is definitely one of the worst things that could happen at that moment, and he does it without asking.

it would take several hours because it takes medic about an hour of sitting in a quiet corner to even recover enough to clean himself up from the battle, and after that he collapses on any flat surface he can find that isnt the floor to take a nap, and once he wakes up from that he spends a bit of time quietly interacting with his birds or organizing some medical equipment before finally he goes to find heavy and is pleasantly surprised to find him essentially guarding the door. at that point he answers any of heavys questions, explains autism to him as best as he can and in detail, lists exactly what caused the problem that day, exactly what some of his traits are, explains exactly what to do if something like this happens again in the future. etc. so after that heavy would connect the dots between this and some of medics other traits and would have a better understanding of it and do everything he can to support medic if needed and umm yeah :]!!!!

[carrotsnake]

dungeon meshi fandom rant

i usually stay away from fictional autism headcanons or indulging in them wholesale because i'm more on the 'characters are constructs' side of things. some may exhibit traits we relate to but placing real-world diagnostic labels on walking metaphors makes things too nebulous. however laios touden is an exception to me since autism allegories (despite no authorial intent) are pretty hard-wired into both his arc and dungeon meshi's core themes about being an outsider. so for once the fandom autism memes feel genuine to me lol. it doesn't feel as fanon-heavy or platitudinous, actually it's pretty uplifting. i appreciate the positivity.

that being said the most dogshit dunmesh take i've seen lately is the assertion that laios and falin show us autistic men are villified for things autistic women are accepted for. the fuck are you people smoking? some rebranded MRA-pilled bullshit? log off tumblr and go outside, then point and show me where this is the truth. i don't know if you guys are all living in a feminist utopia that i'm not privy too, but if so send me the address because things couldn't be less like that everywhere i've ever been.

countless times i've been told 'oh you're exactly like a female copy of [socially anxious male friend/co-worker/family member who shares my personality] and then i gotta watch them get special treatment as i get left behind and scolded for not being normal enough. him being blunt is rebellious & brutally honest, me being blunt is just being a b*tch with no filter. how many times do you see autistic women reaching high positions of power and being revered as a misunderstood genius.

how about everyone reminding us to 'be nice' to the supposedly harmless awkward guy who keeps making sexual comments & invading our boundaries because he can't help it apparently. but strangely enough, i have gone my whole life without creeping on others. only to be called creepy and off-putting by these same social equality preachers for not applying makeup or styling my hair right. autistic women are more likely to be sexually harrassed and/or abused than neurotypical women and no one gaf (let's b real they don't care when it happens to neurotypical women either if the man has a good enough sob story.) shit like walking strangely, having a speech impediment and talking too much about esoteric topics was enough to be outcasted for us. once more, with feeling: what are you people smoking?

and critically, falin is pretty. she's conventionally pure, self-sacrificial, beautiful with hollywood curves, soft-spoken, and never questions anyone nor asserts herself over others when her needs aren't being met. her dislikes in the adventurer's bible are 'nothing in particular', she never spoke out against her village's bullying even when she had it worse than laios, quickly forgives her parents for exiling her, and never shows any opinion on marcille's use of dark magic. she's a paragon of femininity. anything less than that, and she would probably invoke similar if not more disgust from her peers than laios through the audacity of not conforming to gender expectations. but she likes holding bugs or whatever so...whoa! she's so feral and subversive amiright guys. but crucially she looks cute while doing it so we're not too uncomfortable to stan.

i love laios so much, he's in my newest blorbo collection for sure but calling the female characters who don't like him judgemental is not a good look. we as the readers who have been inside the main chara's head know he's a good guy - but in the context of dungeon meshi's world, where sexism is as prevalent as stranger danger, it's fair for them to assume bad intent and keep their distance. they're looking out for their own safety and you're mad about that because, what, it makes your 2D nigel sad? cry about it.

so quit using anime characters as fodder for your thinly-veiled 'everyday men milk themselves' preaches. the touden siblings are not a good example of this. if you unironically agree with that take: it's time to go talk to some real women broski.

[zuzsenpai]

Deep dive into my personal thoughts on determining if I am autistic. Feel free to read or not read, but please refrain from dismissive language. I'm just trying to get this stuff written down and posted, because often that's cathartic for me. TW for negativity, mentions of mental illness, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I’ve been seriously considering the idea that I’m autistic for a little over a year now (probably longer if I’m being honest), though a conversation with a good friend yesterday sparked an interest in putting everything into writing. This past year was exceptionally bad as far as mental health is concerned, and I generally assumed depression and anxiety were responsible for a lot of my issues getting worse. And that’s definitely true. But as I thought about myself and became more aware of certain traits I have and things I do and say and think outside of just a depression standpoint, I kept wondering if I’ve been framing some things wrong for years. I had always assumed that certain things I do are “wrong” and “bad” because they’re caused by depression. When in fact they might be features of myself that can be reframed and understood better and I can learn to accept them. I’ve been wondering if getting screened for autism might be useful for me. I still don’t know. A lot of the things I’m about to list sound really negative. But I want to learn how to love myself and take care of myself so that positivity can come out of this.

So anyway, here are some things I do or think that, if I get screened for autism or at least dip my toes into the community, I might be able to understand more clearly. Not all of these are signs of autism, and some can absolutely be attributed to depression or self esteem issues, which I do have. But I want to get all of this down anyway.

Social anxiety. I have a lot of it. Always have, though I tended to mask it better in school. In my 30s, I’m not forced to interact with people outside of work, so my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I’m god awful at social interactions with almost everyone. Especially in-person social interactions (online is easier, though I tend to not have much to say in online conversations). Very close friends and immediate family are the only people I feel I can speak to properly, but even then I get nervous and have to really think before I say something. I think very carefully before every social interaction, and ponder them constantly afterwards. I tend to cancel plans VERY frequently if I feel like I can’t handle being around more people than just my close friends or immediate family. And when I am with new people, I fret constantly about being perceived as awkward. Which brings me to…

I have a deep fear of being perceived as awkward or weird. Of being recognized as someone who can’t communicate normally. I feel like an alien wandering around at all times. Everything I say sounds awkward coming from my mouth. Speaking leads to embarrassment. I sit in a room filled with extended family and all I can think of is how I can seem “normal” without having to talk to them. Because of this, I have become hyperaware of visual cues/facial cues/reactions of other people around me when I’m near them or speaking to them. I always thought that “recognizing social cues” meant that I couldn’t have autism. But I think in this case, I may have just worked extra hard to notice people’s reactions because of the fear of being perceived as different. I trained myself, if that makes sense. Though sometimes I realize too late that I actually said something weird, and I stress about it for weeks. Which brings me to…

I vocal stim. Because of my horrible fear of being perceived as awkward, I tend to replay social interactions in my head over and over for days and weeks after they happen. My brain does this thing where the moment I start to think about an awkward interaction, I immediately and involuntarily say a specific word out loud. It doesn’t happen in public while I’m in the situations, but it does happen every time I think about them afterwards, usually when I’m alone. This is a frequent, daily occurrence. I think of the vocal stim as trying to help me stop thinking about the thing, or reminding me that I’m thinking about it in the first place. When I hear myself say the word, I inwardly cringe for a moment, then try to refocus on something else. The word has changed a couple times over the years, but it’s usually the name of a fictional character I really like at the time.

I know this one will sound more like severe depression, but… My executive dysfunction is bad. REAL BAD. I have entire rooms of my house filled with garbage and junk because I can’t take a single step to clean and sort. Even the idea of taking a small step is stressful for me. Organization is a huge challenge. Starting any kind of task that involves cleaning or organizing gets me confused and anxious. And often even fun hobby tasks seem impossible to start or do, because my brain constantly tells me I don’t actually want to do them.

Also I space out and can’t focus when someone, like my mom, is talking to me. She complains that I don’t listen to details when she’s talking and she claims I “do it on purpose to spite her”. When in reality, I do it without thinking. It causes poor memory issues. One specific and horrible example is from last Christmas. My mom said she wanted new pot holders for Christmas— a specific kind that aren’t “mittens” and don’t include silicone grips, but instead are made of really thick fabric. She told me this a couple times, but for some reason I couldn’t process the details, or I immediately forgot them because I didn’t write them down. I eventually told my sibling that she could get the pot holders for my mom and I would get her something else on her list. But I neglected to tell my sibling any of the details of what my mom wanted. So my sibling got her really nice, big silicone grip oven mitts. When my mom opened them, she immediately said: “this isn’t what I wanted. Kristin I told you exactly what I wanted a dozen times. Did you seriously not listen? Why don’t you listen to me?” So in essence, I had completely ruined my sibling’s gift to my mom. I broke down and started sobbing. On Christmas. In front of my family. At age 35. My mom got really angry and told me I was crying on purpose to get sympathy, and that there’s no excuse for not listening to her, and that I’m being spiteful. I tried to explain to my family that lately I’ve been feeling like my brain doesn’t work properly. I don’t know if they really “got it”. It was AWFUL. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Anyway… on to other things…

When I get a new project at work, I have to ask a lot of questions and talk it out for a while with my manager (who is very patient), pretty much every time. Just takes a while to process things. I spiral a little if I don’t have all the facts of a project right away. And speaking of not processing, please do not ask me to play a card or board game with a zillion rules. My brain shuts down. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it and I get stressed when someone invites me to play a game I’ve never played before.

I often take things people say too seriously, or it takes me a while to process what they are joking about with enough time to respond properly. I work extremely hard to mask this. I do understand sarcasm and jokes, but often I don’t know how to react to them. For instance, I have an uncle (Uncle Mike) who is notorious for saying incomprehensible shit and making inscrutable jokes about people (I’m sure you can guess that he is NOT my favorite relative). I was with him the other day, along with another uncle (Uncle Dave) who I hadn’t seen in years. My dad said something like “oh everybody’s gone through a lot of dog drama this year”. Which is true, though I personally don’t have a dog and did not have “dog drama”. Uncle Mike turned to Uncle Dave and just said offhandedly “Oh don’t bring the dog drama up around Kristin.” The comment made zero sense and I didn’t recognize it as a bizarre joke right away (he didn’t even know my cat was sick). So I felt the need to defend myself to my other uncle. I turned to Uncle Dave and said “well no, I don’t have dog drama but I do have cat drama. My cat was sick and had surgery, but he’s doing a lot better now.” Then I kind of went off on a tangent explaining the cat’s surgery. My Uncle in turn had no idea how to react to this. So I felt extremely awkward afterwards and sat there quietly contemplating how fucking awkward I am and how I can’t take a joke (even when the jokes are inscrutable). Anyway.

I get VERY overstimulated and anxious when my parents force me to come with them to local hockey games (they love going). I despise it. The competitiveness, the angry fans, the tension, the fighting on the ice… it’s awful. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but I’m able to distract myself with the advertisements on the digital screens and the Jumbotron. But actually watching the game? Can’t do it. Serious overstimulation.

I have physical tics. I’ve cycled through different ones over the years— digging my fingernail into my palm, licking my lips, torso and neck twisting… etc.

I eat the same food every day. Takes A LOT to get me to branch out. I’m really picky. There are foods (like cheese, garlic, and fish) that just the idea of eating them makes me physically ill. I’ve actually puked from smelling mac & cheese and garlic pretzels cooking in the oven. I don’t have food texture issues, but I’m hypersensitive to taste and smell. I gag ALL the time when trying new foods, so I tend to avoid them.

I do hyperfixate on occasion. It’s not particularly extreme, but it does occur. Especially when I am too burnt out to do anything else, I find a single thing I really like doing at the time and become consumed by doing that one thing that makes me happy. Whether it’s writing fanfic for days on end or editing Digimon BGM or identifying bugs, I tend to ignore other tasks in favor of that one thing.

And finally, the suspected autistic burnout, which I am experiencing right now. I went through a VERY stressful August with my cat needing emergency surgery and his anxiety-inducing recovery. During that time and since then, my brain has been completely unable to start or focus on ANY task. I mindlessly scroll tumblr wishing I could do anything other than that, but feeling anxiety when I try. I’m exhausted. Everything makes me exhausted. Existing makes me mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been really withdrawn.

Anyway, in general, I’ve always felt that I didn’t have traits that would get me diagnosed as autistic. And there’s a good chance I won’t be diagnosed. But I do have some traits. Maybe? My problem is fear of not being accepted and understood, because people in my life will think I’m “too old to be diagnosed” or “exaggerating” or “just have depression”. I have a childhood friend who got diagnosed a few years ago. When she told her mom she had autism, her mom was insulted, angry, and dismissive. Her mom brought out the “is it my fault? Was I a bad mother? There’s no way my child has autism” cards. Knowing my own mother and how she reacts to anything I tell her about myself, she would do the same thing. She would tell me I’m over-exaggerating and making stuff up in my head. And having my mom be insulted by my autism is a deep fear, because when she says dismissive things, they tend to burn into my mind for eternity. Like when I was 21 and she told me “don’t think you’re gay just because your friends are gay.” GOD that was a bad one. That one line held me back from understanding my sexuality for well over a decade, and it still haunts the back of my mind. I can’t imagine what her dismissing me as neurodivergent would do. The fight and guilt tripping and dismissiveness it would cause would be outrageously terrible for my mental health. My mom is staunchly anti-psychiatry, so I guess I will never EVER tell her. Maybe her acceptance wouldn’t make me feel better anyway.

But other people’s acceptances— the people who truly matter— might be what I’m looking for. I don’t know what to make of anything I just wrote down. I said a lot of things about myself… and it would be nice to frame some of them more positively, and to work on certain things with a better knowledge of who I am.

[glitchdecay]

Natsuki Is So Much More Than His Ditzy Behavior: Part 5

Another one of Natsuki's traits that gets buried in the "wah~ everything's sunshine and rainbows and mega cute!" characterization in the anime and Shining Live is that he's actually quite the perfectionist. Never mind that it reminds me of another tragically depressed bespectacled teen classical musician (iykyk), but I've practically never heard of this side of Natsuki before actually playing his Repeat/Repeat LOVE route.

Note: The default name 七海春歌 (Nanami Haruka) will be used for the main character. I transcribed the Japanese manually from the Switch port, but I’m only human. All translations are my own.

―Japanese―

【四ノ宮那月】:「………………」 歌の途中で那月くんが暗い顔をして黙り込んでしまった。 【七海春歌】:「どこか痛いですか？もしくは体調が悪いとか……。ここのところずっと頑張っていたし……」 【四ノ宮那月】:「体調は関係ないですよ……。ただ、僕が……」 【四ノ宮那月】:「僕が下手になっただけ……」 【七海春歌】:「そんなこと…………」 そんなことないのに……。たぶん、那月くんはAクラスで一番上手い。 確かに、さっきはほんの少しズレていたけど。それはコンマ数秒の誤差でしかない。普通に聴いたら全然許容範囲なのに……。 【四ノ宮那月】:「頭の中にはね。ちゃんとイメージがあるんだ。ここで、入ろう。ここでこういう風に表現しようって。でも…………」 【四ノ宮那月】:「どうしても、それを再現できない。わかってはいるんです。どこでどうすればいいのか……」 【四ノ宮那月】:「せっかく、あなたが心をこめて作ってくれた曲なのに。僕は……完璧に歌うことができない」 【四ノ宮那月】:「あなたの作った曲に、『心』を『魂』を上手く乗せることができないんです」 【四ノ宮那月】:「こんなんじゃないのに……。もっと、できるはずなのに……」 【四ノ宮那月】:「ちゃんと歌えれば、僕たちは『音楽』の名のもとひとつに溶け合えるのに」 【四ノ宮那月】:「僕のせいであなたの『音楽』が……。『未来』が欠けてしまう。それがもどかしくて……」 那月くん……。 わたしは、那月くんの服の袖をぎゅっと握った。 わたしは、臆病で、那月くんみたいにストレートに愛情を表現できないけれど。でも……。 わたしもいるんだってこと知ってほしい。那月くんはひとりで頑張っているんじゃないって。 【四ノ宮那月】:「え…………？」 【七海春歌】:「『音楽』は……。ふたりで一緒に作っていけばいいと思います。今できる精一杯を……」 【七海春歌】:「手の届かない先じゃなくて。今のわたしたちの一番いい形を……。そうすればきっと……」 【七海春歌】:「目指す頂に辿り着けると思うから。ひとりで先に行こうとしないで……。一緒に……。一緒に行きましょう」 なんだか、那月くんに置いていかれそうな気がして、自然と、目から涙が溢れてきた。 【四ノ宮那月】:「ハルちゃん……。ごめん……ごめんね。そうだよね」 【四ノ宮那月】:「僕はひとりじゃない。いつも、そばにあなたがいてくれる」 【四ノ宮那月】:「それに、僕はもう二度と、あなたを離しはしないと決めたのに……」

―English―

Shinomiya Natsuki: ......... Natsuki-kun stopped in the middle of the song, his face glum and his mouth silent. Nanami Haruka: Are you hurt anywhere? Maybe you're not feeling well... We've been working hard for so long. Natsuki: I'm fine physically. It's just that I... Natsuki: I've gotten worse over time... Haruka: That's not... That's not the case at all. Natsuki-kun's probably the best musically out of everyone in Class A. He was a tiny bit out of sync earlier. Only by a few tenths of a second. If you listened to it, it'd still be within acceptable range. Natsuki: You see, I have it visualized in my head. This is where I come in. Here's how I'd play at this moment. But... Natsuki: No matter what I do, I just can't recreate it. I know how to do it. What do I do... Natsuki: You've put all your heart into creating this song. But... I just can't sing it right.¹ Natsuki: I just can't put my "heart," my "soul," into it well, even though it's a song you've made. Natsuki: I know I'm not like this... I know I can do better. Natsuki: If I could sing it properly, we could become one in the name of "music." Natsuki: Because of me, your "music"... Your "future"... will be ruined. It's so frustrating... Natsuki-kun... I gripped the sleeve of his uniform. I was a coward; I couldn't express my feelings as directly as him. But... I wanted him to know that I was by his side. That he wasn't going through all of it alone. Natsuki: Hm......? Haruka: "Music" is something the two of us make together. Let's just do what we can... Haruka: And not try to reach an impossible ideal. We do the best we can... And I'm sure... Haruka: I'm sure we'll reach the peak we're aiming for. Don't try to reach for it on your own... Let's... Let's do it together. For some reason... Once I realized Natsuki was about to leave me, the tears pooled in my eyes. Natsuki: Haru-chan... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. You're right. Natsuki: I'm not alone. You're always right there beside me. Natsuki: After all, I've decided I'll never leave you alone anymore...

¹ TN: 完璧 (kanpeki) literally means "perfect(ly)," but it doesn't quite fit the context.

Me, having only been diagnosed with autism at the ripe old age of 27 after three burnouts in the space of six years: I don't want to say Natsuki is autistic outright, but he definitely has neurodivergent vibes. Especially the inattentive type with specific strengths that goes under the radar until it implodes later on in life. (In short: he just like me fr.)

It's also important to note that neurodivergent folks often develop a perfectionist streak because they're unable to find out what's "right" in specific situations. The innate lack of understanding of social cues, like Natsuki refusing to let Syo go after putting him in a chokehold because Syo-chan is so gosh darn cute despite the latter's demands, may drive this perfectionist streak as a way to "compensate" for something they don't understand.

Growing up neurodivergent also exposed Natsuki to a lot of trauma, especially in early childhood, which gave rise to his DID (read: Satsuki) and depression. It also justifies why he'd realize his feelings for MC-chan were actually romantic a bit later than a neurotypical teen would (see Part 4).

[am-i-interrupting]

Requesting a Hazbin Hotel Matchup!

I would prefer a male character! (Despite that, I am an ace lesbian. I just wanna indulge my comphet fictional crushes iykwim + i prefer more of the male cast in hazbin. I totally understand if you'd prefer to match me up with a female character) I use she/they pronouns.

A few personality traits of mine would be hardworking, clumsy, compassionate, and playful. I am a workaholic, and often work myself to the bone. Ironically, to others, I try my best to ensure they don't overwork themselves. I'm a bit of a people pleaser to the point where I jeopardize my mental health, but I'm working on it. I'm decently good at appearing mature and socially adept (if a bit anxious) when around strangers, but around those close to me, I admit I am a bit of a baby, being playful.

I have ADHD, a Depressive Disorder, and strongly believe I have Autism. Some jokes, sarcasm, and flirting goes iver my head, but if I notice, I do like to play along. I like cutesy pastel colored clothing in a sort of streetwear style. Like, cargo pants are great but I also love cute skirts. I'm an artist and a gamer. I like to animate and am working towards developing video games! My love language is definitely physical touch and quality time. Hugs are important to me. I like being close to people I care about, even if we're not doing the same thing. Parallel play is peak to me.

My music taste swings around wildly. I've always been a sucker for vocaloid and musical theatre songs. Lately, I've been listening to Epic The Musical and Calliope Mori. I love to sing and play the violin, so any music that I can vibe to, I like. I like plushies quite a bit, even though it's childish. My sense of humor is nonsensical even to me. I laugh a lot, basically, from dark jokes to antihumor.

I'm unsure of my demon form, to be honest. I'd probably have something to do with video games or art, and my favourite animals are small round birds (like the white-browed tit-warbler), jellyfish, and frogs. Feel free to describe my sinner form however you want! (I am short though)

I hope this isn't too much haha I just realized how much I rambled

I don't really want full NSFW headcanons, but some spiciness/non-explicit stuff is good.

Thank you!

-👾 (so i can find this later)

Your Match Up Is. . .

Lucifer!

You probably met him at the Hotel.

Now, Lucifer wasn’t immediately obsessed with you. No, no, he had his daughter to focus on.

However, you caught his attention soon enough.

It was actually while working on the Hotel rebuilding that you caught his eye.

With you darting around from place to place, making sure everything got done while also making sure everyone else took a break, you made yourself known.

Unfortunately, no one made sure you took a break so he took that role upon himself.

It probably took some convincing but eventually he got you to do it.

Over time you two got closer and closer.

It was one of those things were everyone else realized you were both in deep for each other before either of you did.

This is because neither of you recognized when the other was flirting. . . like at all.

It would probably be Angel or maybe even Charlie saddling up to one of you going, “Soooo, when are you gonna ask them out?”

Immediate denial followed up by very intense analyzation of every single one of your interactions with each other because what are they talki. . . Ooooh, you see it now.

It’d be a while before you two got together.

When you did though, prepare for heaven in hell.

Wow, Lucifer sure is a catch.

He is so sweet and so caring.

He is able to recognize signs that your depression is getting worse because of his own and together you’re able to help each other through the spirals.

You’re also able to give each other advice that actually works with you AuDHD brains because there is no way that man is neurotypical.

Get ready to be able to infodump any time you want to and be listened to with the most attention. He is asking all the questions.

You’re making a game? What genre? What animation style? What’s the main story line? What’s that side character that you made too detailed of a background for? Tell him everything.

You like drawing? He likes making ducks. Can you draw him ducks for him to make when he’s in a funk?

And you have plushes! They can be friends with his ducks.

If he hears you listening to a song from a musical, it’s over. You’re not doing whatever it was you were doing. You are now obligated to reenact the scene from him.

He loves dancing with you.

Sometimes though, he can get a bit in a Gomez Addams-like mood and he’ll just start kissing your arms, then your neck, the one thing leads to another.

This man is big on oral.

Cuddles after. Always.

He is a big cuddler.

This man is so touch starved it’s not even funny.

He intends to make up for it so a hand is almost always on you. He is always in your space.

You are never falling asleep without being cuddled again.