#at which point it was way too late in the day to take my vyvanse

[ofravensflight]

I really need to see that new therapist and get back on ADHD medication. You hit a lot of points that I felt when I was younger unknowingly and some of them I still feel today.

A preface on medication, I was on antidepressants and ADHD medication back when I was a teen but I ended up stopping because they never really felt like they were doing anything. The antidepressants were probably not doing much because from a lot of what I've heard both from you and others it was probably treating the wrong thing or not the correct treatment for the cause. After looking it up though I know now the reason why my ADHD medicine also felt the same way probably. I was on vyvanse with a dosage of 10 MILLIGRAMS PER DAY. according to a quick search the baseline dosage is supposed to be 30mg increasing over time until the desired effects are achieved.

For a long time I've liked the therapist I'm with, and he was the one treating a couple of other family members as well which is where I found him, but thinking at my history and what my sister has told me about her work with him. He's very resistant to prescribing medication for treatment and even more resistant to increasing dosages besides. In my experience with talking through dysphoria with him he was reticent to talk about medical transition and what that might look like too. Im going to go to a different psych hopefully soon to maybe get on a better track with both now.

A lot of what you said about symptoms sounds like things I've felt as well. Especially the part about self harm. I barely ever talked about it with anyone especially if I wasn't being forced to because something always felt off about it compared to how people described their feelings with it. Like, how was I supposed to tell someone that I was doing it because I felt bored(probably not the correct feeling but I'm not sure what the right word is)? That I would feel listless and under stimulated and that taking a blade across my legs made me feel, at least briefly, a clarity I normally didn't have. It gave me a rush of happiness I was hard pressed to find anywhere else.when it started waning I would start doing more, going further, being more reckless until I eventually tried it too. Multiple times. Each one until my last a failure, but the last time almost succeeding.

I'm in a constant state of barely functioning enough to look like I'm doing okay from the outside. I make it to work on time only because I have a severe ingrained anxiety over the idea of being late anywhere that I compulsively need to be at least 30 minutes early. Otherwise I have trouble even getting up most days. I'll wake up and just spend hours in bed rolling around or mindlessly looking at things on my phone knowing that I need to get up. I need to do things. But I can't get myself to do anything until my anxiety grows enough to overpower anything else and I'm frantically running to get ready and go get takeout because I missed the window of time I had to cook instead. Most days it's hard for me to even get myself to shower.

On a similar flipside my dysphoria has also, as of late with me embracing what I am, been more of a source of joy as well. I still have that background hum of wrongness, especially since nothing is really changing as I'm not on hrt yet, but doing things like shaving for the first time in almost a decade and having a smoother softer face has me ecstatic when I feel it. I love being able to nuzzle my fiancée and it be a smooth feeling on both our faces. I love wearing the fem things I have and just existing with them. I love being able to look at myself and think "one day, the person looking back will look right. It might not right now, but it will."

I know this might seem odd to you, but having others around to put to words things I couldn't on my own. To describe what I'm feeling or what I'd gone through in a way I couldn't has been eye opening. You might not see it or understand exactly why but you have been a role model for giving me the hope that one day I might be able to actually get my life together and be able to live as I want to.

There's a lot more I could say. I could go deeper describing my anxieties and other ways ADHD has affected me over the years that I've managed to only barely push through but I think I've said enough for now.

Thank you again Sierra, and for what it's worth, I'm really glad you're here and that you are willing to be open and share your story. It gives me hope and confidence in a way I haven't had for a decade now.

About to fall asleep ramble time, this has been kicking around in my brain for a bit and I need to get some form of this thought out

I was diagnosed with ADHD and gender dysphoria one day after the other back in August. Extremely stereotypically zillenial of me, I know. Handling both of these has dramatically improved my quality of life. yes yes insert discourse about how much you need to have dysphoria as a diagnosis, it's just a tool for the medical system that's ultimately meaningless, that's not what this is about.

There's one thing that was really, really weird about the experience of getting care for both of these.

Most treatment and public talk of transition and motivations to transition are about misery. How much despair your birth sex gives you and how gender affirming care is the only stopgap against suicide (oftentimes, used as a barrier to entry that it should only be given when it's at the suicidal point). How crushing dysphoria is.

In contrast, most of the public perception of ADHD is this cutesy, "omg look I'm so quirky" kind of thing. People talk of ADHD "superpowers" and how neat it is to have hyperfixations (I'm low key starting to dislike that word, even though it's an accurate description of many things- it's very overused).

My actual experience has been almost exactly the opposite.

I absolutely had gender dysphoria, and still do, and misery associated with being AMAB. But is that what defines my trans experience? No, and in fact, it feels like a more incidental blip in it. My trans experience has mostly been defined by joy, by feeling my mind and body slowly make me more and more content with my default existence day after day. And the exploration of it all! The social roles, the romantic dynamics, the friendship dynamics, even small aesthetics like clothes and makeup, and again, the body and mood changes. It's incredible and it brings me joy so much of the time. That, more than anything, has defined my trans experience.

In contrast.... ADHD has objectively made nearly every aspect of my life more miserable. Working with my therapist and my pysch, as well as feeling what it's like to be properly medicated, have shown me extremely well how much the constant feelings of misery I always seemed to have were caused by ADHD. ADHD means being unable to receive a baseline level of dopamine to function under normal circumstances, so your brain starts looking for any way it can get new sources. And wouldn't ya know it, novel stimuli are a perfect way to do that. Keep in mind that dopamine isn't just "the pleasure molecule" it's a neurotransmitter with a broad range of functions. If you don't have ADHD, or even if you do, I want you to think about how miserable of an existence that is. Your default state is depression and inability to do things. It has been for me for most of my life. Additionally, anxieties creep into your head and distract you far more easily. You're less functional. You can't do simple things most of the time. You're distracted and have anxiety spikes easily. Continuous tasks are hard. And day in, day out... You are miserable. Almost constantly.

Oh also, you're easily addicted to extreme novel stimuli. For me, it was self harm. And when that stopped working... Well, I was in a state of mostly background depression that was only punctuated by spikes of massive, overwhelming anxiety that my brain hooked itself on. At a certain point, I just wanted it to end, by any means necessary.

It's been almost ten years since that day, and at this point I can genuinely say that I'm glad I'm still here.

But it wasn't dysphoria that did that (it contributed a bit, but still wasn't the biggest factor). Or a depressive disorder. Or bipolar. Or whatever the big, more "scary" mental illnesses or neurodivergencies are. They tried to treat me for some of them, and it ended horribly. My symptoms fit mixed presentation ADHD perfectly, including my physiological response to stimulants. They don't fit anything else. I likely don't have any strong comorbidities, unless you count the symptom-level anxiety and depression. ADHD did all of that to me. The "cute and quirky" one.

By the time I got around to a diagnosis, my pysch was astounded that I made it as far as I did with symptoms as severe as mine. Tackling ADHD has removed so much misery from my life, it's indescribable. Adderall has been the only thing that has ever actually gotten rid of my constant anxiety.

It's not fucking cute. Keeping with this being the flip side to my dysphoria, I do try to keep it light most of the time, and I join in on all of the classic "whoopsie doopsie my ADHD" trains and jokes. You don't have to stop making those, hell, they're fun. There are cute and funny parts to having ADHD, and ways it's made my personality what it is. But don't forget that this is also something that makes people genuinely suffer well beyond the "oopsie I'm such a procrastinator!!!" Type thing.

Idk where this thought is going. It's just kind of an observation that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. So uh. Hope it at least generates discussion? Feel free to add your experiences if you think it'll help you. But fuck I need to sleep lol

[ringneckedpheasant]

i’ve been experiencing Evil Boredom all day because i didn’t take my adhd meds due to Extenuating Circumstances and i’m so cranky bc i didn’t get anything done at all besides washing like 1/3 of the dishes i wanted to

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

I’m so happy to have found you! I actually just got diagnosed with adult add (inattentive type). Procrastinating and finishing tasks once they get complicated has been awful for me. I’ll be starting on Vyvance tomorrow. Do you have any advice for being on this medication? I know I need to watch my bp and avoid/limit alcohol. I read that caffeine and vitamin c can also interfere with the medication too...I’d really appreciate any tips or info that you can share! Thanks 💗

Okay hi nonny! I'm sorry it took me a bit here and that you've already started your meds.

Please keep in mind I'm not a doctor and if you have any concerns about what to look for on the medication, you should speak to your medical professional and a pharmacist.

That being said, I only have to watch my blood pressure closely because I already had high BP. I am also at a higher risk for heart issues and BP issues because of my weight, diet, and family history. My dad has an enlarged heart, super high BP, and type 2 diabetes. My maternal Grandpa has high BP and had a mini stroke not too long ago. My dad is also adopted and we know nothing about his birth family or their medical history so there are lots of factors playing into it.

Unless you are at a high risk or already have issues with your BP, I wouldn't just go out and buy a BP machine. Just check it at your pharmacy once in a while and keep a journal.

As for the alcohol, it doesn't really affect the medication, however you might feel that the alcohol hits you faster. I wasn't a light weight before starting the meds, and now, I can't have one drink without feeling it.

The things about caffeine and vitamin C are bullshit. The only thing that Caffeine could possibly, is make you shaky and anxious. It's the same as usual with the caffeine. I drink energy drinks a lot and they don't interact with the medications. Again, ask your pharmacist too just to be sure!

When it comes to the vitamin C, most of the time people are talking about the citric acid in it. A lot of times, the citric acid can cancel out some medications. This is seen commonly in the birth control pills, as well as plan B.

Personally, I haven't found an issue with that yet but I also don't drink a lot of juice. I would ask your doctor or pharmacist just to be on the safe side though.

Now, where I am the highest dose is 70mg once per day. I am on 60mg once per day. I will tell you to NEVER stop this medication cold turkey. It is an amphetamine and can cause withdrawal symptoms if stopped suddenly.

As for other side effects there are a few. Some get worse with higher doses, and keep in mind that you might have a different experience than me.

For me, dry mouth is a huge thing. Drink lots of water (or liquids in general, yes even pop or coffee, not alcohol though). There is also mouthwash that you can get that helps with dry mouth if you feel it is bad enough.

Another one is the appetite suppression. Vyvanse can also be used to treat Binge Eating Disorder. I find that once my medication kicks in, I don't feel hunger. I try to eat right after I take my meds or at some point about halfway through the day. I also snack a lot. I eat when I'm bored or emotional so, for me, it's a blessing. I reccomend keeping easy snacks with you at all times. I like fruit snacks. Or nuts. Then I can just open and go, no waiting and I keep some in my bags as well as at my desk at home and in my cupboards.

I also have a hard time sleeping. I have found that if I take my meds too late, I am up forever. Try to take your meds at the same time every day, though you can change it around if need be. For instance, my psychiatrist told me that if I had school one day, which started at 4:30pm, I could take my meds at whatever time I felt it necessary to last the entire 3 hour class. Then if I had a psych appointment in the morning the next day, it was safe for me to take the meds earlier.

Vyvanse only lasts 24hours in your body. It is a medication that can be metabolised fairly quickly. You should feel almost instant effects, after giving it about an hour or so to kick in. Now, your dose might have to be changed but that's okay.

The other thing that I experience is the crash at the end of the day. I crash hard off my meds. It puts me in a bad mood and I get really emotional and tired and bitchy. I find it harder to control my emotions for at least an hour or so after I start coming down from the meds. I just like to sit and play a game or talk if needed. My boyfriend is amazing and will just kinda leave me alone once he realizes that I'm coming down.

If this is your first time taking meds for AD(H)D, don't get discouraged if it doesn't work for you. There are many different medications and even ones that aren't stimulants. Please also keep in mind that meds aren't meant to be a permanent fix. They are supposed to allow your brain to find some calm to hopefully help you be able to come up with systems and coping mechanisms that work for you. Although, if you end up being on meds for a long time, don't be ashamed about that either.

And if anyone ever tells you that you shouldn't need meds, or that the meds turn you into a zombie or zap you of your personality, hit them. Okay, don't do that but ya know. If meds do that to a person, they usually aren't working for what it is meant to.

My psychiatrist also told me that if I felt euphoric and high on these meds, that I more than likely didn't have ADHD. Again, keep a journal of symptoms and experiences you have. Even good ones! That way you can also track your progress.

Good luck my dear!

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

the thing about my brain being Extremely Bad today is like...

I stayed up way too late last night for a couple different reasons, so I’m tired, and that’s never good for my brain

my period-tracking app says my period is due in just a few more days, which is always a good suspect when my mood massively tanks for no apparent reason

buuuut it could also have something to do with the fact that I stopped taking Concerta on Friday after talking to my prescriber, because by then I was fairly sure it wasn’t doing anything for me and that it was probably responsible for my slightly elevated heart rate. and I didn’t notice anything weird over the weekend but it would make some sense to have--not withdrawal symptoms necessarily, but something, even if I theoretically hadn’t been on it long enough to need to taper off. (that’s what she told me, anyway.) so if it’s just that, my brain going “whoa hey something is different suddenly, that’s weird,” then that’s...fine, I guess? I can deal with that.

the problem is, first, I’m now wondering if maybe Concerta was helping more than I realized--because yeah, my prescriber said I would know if it was helping, and I’ve read all these stories about people diagnosed as adults who tried a medication and were like “holy shit I can focus now, is this what normal people feel like??” and I’ve been wanting that moment and I haven’t had it. but if today’s Bad Brain means something about Concerta, rather than just “I’m exhausted and also hormones are fucking with me apparently,” then...well, that’s a big yikes, because it means I haven’t noticed medication making anything better, just the lack of it making things worse. my motivation, energy, ability to make decisions--they weren’t actually good before but they’ve been all completely in the toilet today, to the point that just trying to decide things kind of made me want to cry. so if that actually is me sans Concerta, and me plus Concerta is not actually great either but only better by comparison, that’s...uh, also not great.

the bigger problem is the worry that’s been growing for a while, which is, there are apparently just not that many medications for ADHD. low-dose Adderall did jack shit, a slightly higher dose made me shaky and even more unfocused, Concerta didn’t seem to do much and it maybe also isn’t great for my heart. (also, caffeine doesn’t seem to affect me the same way it does a lot of people with ADHD.) my prescriber wants to try Vyvanse and I guess that’s what she wanted to try originally but I had to fail on the other (more common, I guess) stimulants first, probably for insurance reasons, so there’s that, but if that one doesn’t work, then what? is my brain just not going to respond to ADHD medication, meaning I am just like this unless I can somehow fix my shit without chemical assistance?

or, just as bad for a lot of the same reasons, if I don’t respond to ADHD meds then does that mean I don’t have ADHD after all? like, sure, I check off a lot of symptoms, but if meds don’t help, does that mean I’m just like this in general, just kind of a general fuckup who’s never going to get her shit together? like. maybe it’s not ADHD, maybe it’s just me being so fucking bad at being an adult and a person that I look like I have ADHD when I don’t, and it turns out I’m just a failure after all in a way that can’t be fixed. and if that’s the case--then what?

just...fucking then what?

[drtanner]

SO. I have an update to this post, following my first night on meds.

DO NOT TAKE THIS SHIT LATE. DO NOT TAKE IT LATE EVER.

Trying to sleep when this stuff is still in your system is uniquely awful in ways I can only attempt to explain to you. I'm sure at least some of what I'm about to describe is down to my only just having started on the drug and my brain absolutely not being adjusted to it yet, but suffice to say, I have learned my fucking lesson.

So. Some of you may know that I have an anxiety disorder, which has certainly taken a back seat since I started my transition in earnest but is still very much present. I also have, at the time of my writing this, a minor injury to my left shoulder that I suspect to be a pinched nerve, which I got a few weeks ago by punching above my weight with some new dumbbells. Just the left shoulder. The right is fine, but the left shoulder is a little stiff and I sometimes get some slight numbness in my arm and hand. This is an easily reproducible thing, in fact, that I can deliberately cause by pressing just so on the cap of my shoulder! Additionally, part of being on these meds is regular check-ins with the psychiatrist who prescribes them, during which I'll be giving them blood pressure readings because it's fucking amphetamines and if your blood pressure is too high you can do yourself some serious mischief with them. So that's how I'm doing currently, that's the context for what I'm about to tell you.

I expected, since I'd taken the meds late in the day that I would have some difficulty falling asleep, but that wouldn't be any different to any other night because I always sleep like shit and at this point I've made peace with lying in bed and relaxing with my eyes closed, which is almost as good as getting real sleep and certainly better than nothing. However. About 12 hours after I'd taken my first dose of vyvanse, right about the time wherein the psychiatrist explained it ought to be winding down and wearing off, despite being totally calm and comfortable and relaxed, out of the blue I started having panic attack symptoms, which, if you've ever had a panic attack, you know how terrible they can be, even when you're used to them.

If you've never had a panic attack, let me try to break it down for you as best I can. It's not easy to describe in ways that you will really, fully understand but I'm gonna give it my best shot.

First and foremost, you will be deeply, keenly afraid. You may not necessarily be afraid of anything in particular, which makes it hard to rationalise the fear away. It is often just a thing that is happening to you without an obvious reason, and therefore without an obvious solution. So going into this, even if you're used to panic attacks, it's still very difficult to cope with. It will feel, in many cases, very intensely and very sincerely, as if you are going to die. Your heart races and often feels like it's beating irregularly, and everything that feels like a skipped beat will put the fear of god into you in a way that I genuinely hope that those of you who haven't experienced it for yourselves never have to go through, and all of this will be punctuated by a very physical fear reaction that you will feel in your chest as a kind of intense flushing sensation. It's terrible!

At the same time as this is starting up, I also get some fierce heartburn, which I used to be very accustomed to due to my sleep apnoea but haven't had at all since I got my CPAP machine a few years ago. You know what heartburn feels like, it causes burning chest pain that tends to start under your breastbone, where your oesophagus meets your stomach, and that travels up into your throat. If I hadn't been so out of practice I'm sure I would have had an easier time identifying it for what it was, but given that I was wearing my CPAP mask and thus had no logical reason to have heartburn, it was a lot harder to parse in the middle of a panic attack. After lying on my back and grappling with this for a while, I reach for my phone and press my shoulder awkwardly against the pillow. My left arm and hand promptly begin to ache and tingle and go numb.

So that's, you know. That's where we were at around 7-8am this morning. I'm lying in bed, my heart's racing, I'm getting a kind of chest pain that I'm no longer familiar with and my left arm is numb, all while I'm primed to think I'm dying, lmao. You might imagine where my mind went! It was a bad time!

After spending a while googling how to tell the difference between a heart attack and heartburn, whether vyvanse can cause panic attacks and the types of shoulder injuries that can cause the whole arm to go numb while really doing my best to just step back and rationalise everything ("I just started taking these meds and we know now that anxiety is a common symptom when vyvanse leaves your system so given that you already had an anxiety disorder that used to cause you to have panic attacks in bed all the time, this seems very par for the course; remember what happened when you tried anti-depressants years ago?" and "You can feel the pain in your oesophagus, it is very clearly heartburn, which you used to get all the time." and "You have an existing injury to your left shoulder that you know is there and that you can reliably manipulate to cause this exact sensation. You know what this is."), I did eventually manage to convince myself decently enough that I was just having Anxiety Problems™ due to the New Meds™ to get up and go to the bathroom and eat 20mg's worth of melatonin gummies in an attempt to knock myself out and get some fucking sleep, which I eventually did. I'm running on about five hours' sleep right now and I absolutely do not feel right still, but I took my meds much earlier today and I'm hoping they'll level out over the next few weeks. I have learned my fucking lesson. Never again, lmao.

So, I'm not dead, I'm not dying, I took a blood pressure reading just now and it's a little high but still close to my normal, especially given that I've just eaten a fairly fatty meal for breakfast and my body is doubtless working on that. The heartburn and the issue with my arm/shoulder are still giving me some lingering anxiety as well, which I'm sure can't help my blood pressure at all.

I really hope this levels out soon, lmao. I can't be doing this every night.

So before I hit the sack tonight I want to gush for a just a second, just this one time, because I finally got my ADHD meds today and took them for the first time and jesus fucking christ, it's been wild. I didn't know what to expect going into this at all, but I'm over the moon with my first experience of it, lmao.

I'm on the elvanse/vyvanse, or lisdexamfetamine if you fancy trying to say that five times fast, because apparently that one lasts Long and I would like to have to remember to take pills as infrequently as possible. I had one (1) Real Adult Human Job to do today, which was to tidy and dust my coffee table. I am going to tell you how I got on with it, about an hour and twenty minutes after I took my first dose.

I will preface this by saying that the state of my coffee table was very much exemplary of my ADHD issues. It had become the dumping ground for anything I couldn't immediately decide what to do with or how to deal with, which is a lot of things given that one of the major problems my ADHD gives me is decision paralysis! If the answer isn't immediately obvious, my brain just checks out and the decision just ends up getting abandoned; the coffee table was piled high with all kinds of shit that had fallen victim to this phenomenon, letters and tools and knick-knacks and what have you that had no immediately obvious home or that needed something doing with them before they could be used or put away, all of them gathering dust for having remained there, wholly untouched, for so long, and because there was so much of it, I would then get decision paralysis about where to start chipping away at it as well and the problem just had no solution at all. It was, to make no bones about it, a fucking shitshow.

But suddenly I just sort of knew what to do with things? Every time I picked something up off the coffee table, it was suddenly just very, very easy to decide where it should go? It wasn't tiring or difficult or anything, it was just me, starting at the top of the pile without even thinking about it, grabbing shit and going OH, THIS NEEDS TO GO IN THE DRAWER. THIS NEEDS TO GO IN MY FILE. THIS NEEDS TO GO IN THE BIN and so on like it was the simplest and most obvious thing in the fucking world. Suddenly I just knew what to do, which I realise implies in some way that previously I didn't know what to do, and of course I did, of course I knew what to do, but I guess it's a lot like it is when you're trying to have conversations about things you're knowledgeable about when you have ADHD in that the information is absolutely there in your brain, but you can never seem to recall it when you actually need it.

But yeah, no. I found permanent homes for all kinds of little bits and pieces, I fixed things that needed fixing and cleaned everything that needed cleaning and it was, for the first time in my life, blessedly easy to do. I found letters from fucking 2019 at the bottom of the heap, for fucks sake. There was a fucking dried leaf in there. A leaf, from a fucking tree. The skipping rope I'd been putting off using because the (adjustable!!) cable rope was too long has now been adjusted and put in a proper place, ready to be used. My set of hand grippers all have a permanent, tidy place to live and are ready to go as well. Everything's clean and like, still cluttered, but in a nice and intentional way rather than the objectively awful way it was before. It is fucking insane how quick and easy all of this was to achieve. I'm still reeling, honestly. Is this how it is for NTs? Is this how life is supposed to feel? I guess it must be. Fucking wild.

Also I actually had conversations with a couple of my neighbours and I could, like, hear everything they said? Because I was listening?? It doesn't usually work like that! Usually when I'm having a spoken conversation with someone I lose fully half of what they say and I have to kind of piece it together from the context of the other half that I actually do catch and make my best guess, which is not a fun way to have conversations, to say the least. But again, having a conversation was easy, listening was easy, remembering what I was talking about and going back to it when we got a little sidetracked was easy. I stumbled over my words less, my knowledge came to the front of my mind when I needed it, I didn't forget what I was going to say a half-second before I got to say it. To say that I could stand to get used to this is a gross understatement.

The only downside I've had so far is that about five or so hours after I took that first dose, I got a very, very mild headache and straight away thought OH, I BET THAT'LL GO AWAY IF I EAT SOMETHING LOL, so I did, and it did, and that was it! I took it pretty late and, again, it lasts Long, so I'm anticipating that I might have some issues getting to sleep tonight, but that'd be no different from normal honestly so I'm not too torn up about it.

I really hope this keeps up. I might actually be able to get this book written before I fucking die if I keep getting results like this, lmao.

[kaylabliss]

Since I'm posting again...

I figure I'll post about why I've disappeared from Tumblr for about a million years. I missed all you people that I don't actually talk to but enjoy seeing posts from.

This year has been total shit. I don't know what my last "update" was, but I doubt anyone else will remember either.

I'm finally on ADHD medication (as of November), which has made a very slight difference in my ability to function. However, I'm thinking of asking for something different. I'm on Adderall XR, and I'm wondering if Vyvanse would be more helpful. It costs twice as much, but if it helps, it would be worth it.

Despite taking daily amphetamines, I've gained even more weight and I'm at my highest weight since pregnancy. (I'm not taking Adderall for weight loss, of course, but it would have been a really nice side effect. I have little to no appetite, but I still eat way too much because depression anxiety and laziness.)

In January, we found out Toys R Us was closing. My partner has been a supervisor there for ten years, so this was a pretty devastating blow for us. His last day was in April. Fortunately, he was only unemployed for about a month. In the week after TRU closed, he helped a local mom and pop toy store owner move some shelves that they'd bought from the TRU liquidation. That got his foot in the door, and now he's actually making more money there than he was at TRU.... To the tune of an extra $250 a week. Better yet, they love him. And his boss? Small world, he was my favorite patient at my old job. So we're going into this with me already knowing and liking his boss! And a fun bonus: when new movies come out, they rent out entire rows at the theater and all the employees and whoever they want to invite can go see it. Eric went to see Solo with them-- I've been trying to convince him to go out and do things with people for literally our entire relationship, so I was THRILLED about this. Also, the store sells mostly older collectibles, so when he saw what his toys were worth, he was psyched. He sold two of his old action figures this week for $400, and he gets 60% of that on consignment.

The salary increase and extra money is great, because in February, my car broke down. The transmission died, and as it was a POS 1996 Lexus, it would have cost four times what the car was worth to fix it. So we've been sharing a car, which has been difficult, but thankfully both our jobs close at 8 and we're right across the street from each other. While he was still at TRU, he was sometimes getting off around 10, which meant keeping my daughter out way too late. But now we can start saving for a down payment on a car, and actually afford car payments without having to live on ramen.

Also in February, his mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. This has been hard. Last week, she had her final surgery to remove the cancerous mass from her lung. She came home on Thursday and she's doing well. Aside from the anxiety over her diagnosis, this has been hard in about a dozen other ways. She had some moments where she was legitimately scared that she wouldn't get to see Shilo grow up, and this was made even harder when she lost her hair. She looked different, and Shilo acted scared of her. I don't know if she was having trouble recognizing her or what. And then to top it off, they've always been pretty well off financially and have always been able to help out their kids when needed-- including us. But there was a lot of things their insurance didn't pay for, and they had a $100 copay for each radiation treatment for six weeks. We haven't needed help with money, thankfully, but under normal circumstances they may have been able to help us get a new car. They also missed their granddaughter's graduation in Texas, which I know was disappointing. Eric's unemployment was actually helpful though, because he was able to stay home with Shilo for the greater part of his mom's chemo and radiation.

All that aside, there have been a lot of daily stressors and disappointments for me. I don't know how much I should really go into here, since someone could stumble into my blog.... Eh, I think I have it locked from public view, so.

One of the biggest things that bugged me was my mom. I didn't get to see her for Christmas because on Christmas eve, it was more important to her to go pass out coffee at a local men's shelter. (I know it sounds noble, but sometimes I wonder. She's wound up dating several of the men there.) I had to work on Christmas day. I didn't see her until the end of January at my niece's birthday party. She didn't bring Shilo's Christmas presents with her, because we had planned to do lunch before the party but neither of us felt well enough for it, so she decided not to bring the presents. I brought her and Lily's presents, because I knew it could be a while before we could get together, and it was already a month late. After that, she said several times she would come over with them. One day, she had told me she was going to be down the street at Walmart and would drop by... She actually called me from Walmart to ask me for diet advice.... And didn't come over when she was done.

In May, she finally just brought the presents to me at work, because she was at a dentist appointment in the same complex I work in. I didn't ACTUALLY see her until last week.

In all that time, she knew about all the crap I've been going through, and she hasn't checked on me one single time. In fact, the week after my car broke down, she called me to brag that she had traded in her perfectly good, brand new car for an even newer car. This was particularly infuriating to me, because I was busting my ass working overtime and working every single holiday and I was barely making rent (forget any chance of getting even a cheap functioning car), but she's on SSDI and is taking on this huge car payment for literally no reason.

Then, when we finally did get together and go to lunch, she spent the first fifteen minutes listing every celebrity who has ever @ her on Twitter (despite me saying repeatedly "I have no idea who that is" and showing zero interest in the discussion because c'mon), talked about herself the whole time, and didn't ask me any questions about how things are going. When I did manage to get a word in, it was about Shilo's behavior at school, and she took over the conversation again to tell me about this place where you can drop autistic kids off for a few hours (but they're not even a licensed childcare facility, which makes me nervous, and they don't list their prices on their website which means I can't afford them). They also have family classes and actives and whatever, but still, I'm sure I can't afford them.

One of the things that really hurt me though? She had been "too busy" to see us for nearly six months, but she had time to make a 400 mile round trip to the other end of the state to spend time with my high school roommate and her children... Two weekends in a row, including on Mother's Day weekend. But yeah, too fucking busy to see her own daughter and granddaughter. When I tried to confront her on it, she was really blasé about it and deflected the conversation.

And? She didn't tell me that she broke up with her boyfriend months ago, and was not living where I thought she was living. In fact, I'm pretty sure she straight up lied to me about it, because she sent me what appeared to be an accidental text about moving, and when I said "wait what, you're moving?" she said "oh yeah from one trailer to the other" (they were living in a trailer park where you can only stay six months due to the sewage system or something, so they bought two trailers so they could move to the second every six months).

It's all made me feel really alone. I miss my grandma, because she never would have treated me this way. My mom is the only "family" I have, and she has zero interest in being part of my life.

Anyway, done with that section.

Shilo has been very violent at school, to a point where we actually got TWO behavior referrals in one day (a slip explaining her behavior and consequences-- usually involves missing recess, having to eat lunch in the principal's office, and/or writing an apology letter). It's been frustrating, and I haven't been sure what to do since I work so much and have my own issues with executive function and lack the ability to keep a stable routine. I'm hoping next year will be better, and I'm going to get a behavior intervention plan added to her IEP so we can figure out WHY she acts this way instead of just trying to correct the behavior after it happens. They do try to circumvent the behavior, mostly using social stories before transitions and things, but I don't think it's working.

Another big thing is that I got my IUD removed, and while I'm pissed about having a real menstrual cycle again, I'm shocked at some of the effects the IUD had on me that I didn't even realize. It turns out it was really dampening my sex drive, and portions of my personality. Suddenly I was interested in sex again and attracted to anything that moves lmao. An increased sex drive is a bad thing for me though, which I won't go into here.... But in short, let's say that it's caused some hurt feelings due to rejection.

So yeah, that's most of it. If you actually read my wall of text and whining, thanks! You're a champ.

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

early morning thoughts

So it’s 6:30am and I just finished my daily meditation/hypnosis and wanted to type out my reflections vs. hand writing them because thanks to vyvanse, my brain is moving way too fast for me to be able to get it all out fast enough and don’t want to miss anything. Today’s meditation/hypnosis was about regaining the confidence we are born with and lost along the way in life. It had us go back to a memory in our childhood where we feel that confidence was lost and another one where we felt on top of the world confident which our brains will automatically pick the best memories for us for both of those scenarios. I’m not sure if this was 100% accurate for me since I was definitely not fully hypnotized thanks to waiting to long to start and vyvanse kicking in much faster than usual (normally I’d be over the moon about that but the timing just wasn’t the best for me to get the most out of that session but oh well - they say to listen to it every day for 21 days to get the max benefits so I have at least another 20 tries to get it “right” so I’m not too worried, especially since I’m just getting back into the practice of meditation and am a bit rusty to begin with) but my confidence lost memory wasn’t super vivid of the actual event but it brought me back to JJMS in the main stairwell where all the classrooms are and just stuck there but the memory was when some “friend” who I can’t remember for the life of me told Will R that I had a crush on him (let’s face it, I was beyond obsessed to the point where I’m shocked we don’t have our own episode on Investigation Discovery for being stalked or something. it was that bad) and he basically went ew and flat out rejected me. Not even to my face but told my friend who told me and that just crushed me. The sad part was when it was time to pick a moment in childhood where I felt super confident and on top of the world, I had a hard time picking one... I know it’s mainly due to lyme in one of 2 ways - either 1. its because my memory is shit and I don’t remember a lot of the good times because when there’s so little storage space and my brain holds onto bad memories to help protect me from repeating them in the future, the good ones don’t always stay and/or 2. I was sick for most of my childhood and didn’t realize it so I feel like there was always just a cloud over me or there was like a blurred/black and white filter over my life and where having intense feelings was too much energy for me because I was fighting off the illness I didn’t know I had. But I ended up going with basically the beginning of my time working at EQX (only stuff related to there, not the shit show that was my dating life) where I was MOD or just generally crushing it and was the go to person and knew everything and loved my coworkers and the members loved me plus I was doing GF classes a lot and just getting into strength training and making all sorts of progress in a short amount of time and felt lean and strong and was hitting PRs left and right and god do I miss that feeling. Not necessarily just at that gym or anything but just feeling strong and pushing my body and not having to be so worried that I’m going to overheat and cause a migraine because it doesn’t take a lot to do that and I just miss being able to do so much more and having the drive and being confident that I was capable of lifting that extra weight or whatever it was whereas now I have that cloud over me again where I’ll start to get all fired up and into it and then my body is like uhh chill out and these problems start and I feel like I get knocked off my pedestal in my own brain and am reminded that I’m not some superhuman strength having god but just a weak, sick person. It’s so beyond frustrating to me and that’s literally the theme of my life right now. I have all of this drive and desire to be crushing it in everything I do but it feels like there’s something physically holding me back and imprisoning me and I can’t break free and the most frustrating part is that it’s things that are out of my control. Whether it’s my sick brain and all the issues with anxiety/depression/disordered eating or my actual body that can’t perform the way I want to in the gym or just have enough energy to get through the day or even leave my bed without such a strong medication, it’s just so fucking hard. Like having 1/2 my mother’s DNA aka her drive and type A-ness and all that plus my father’s drive and sicilian stubbornness but being stuck in a body that can’t even begin to keep up and is dragging me down is just so frustrating. The worst part is it’s not something I’m consciously doing or am just lazy or something that I’m not doing that could fix this, no it’s all things that are pretty out of my control and it feels like it’s not because of me if that makes sense and i’m just forced to be a victim of these issues that are not any part my fault or something I can just decide to stop doing and be fine. Plus now being jobless and almost 30, it’s a lot harder to convince myself that I’m still so young and it’s okay to not have life figured out yet and blah blah blah vs. when I was 18-21 years old aka back in that time of the memory at EQX. Like I want a career, I want to have a family of my own and I feel like the clock’s ticking on that and stressing me out but I also refuse to settle for less than like head over heels/soulmates/like the kind of love that you can just feel when you see two people together kinda love and again, I’m not getting any younger and 1. I want to have my own children aka not adopt or have a surrogate and I don’t want it to be too late in that aspect by the time I find someone and 2. I’m already so exhausted now and as I get older it’s not going to get any better unless they magically come up with a cure for lyme but i’m not holding my breath so like I can’t imagine me in 10 years running after a toddler... and I want to be the best mom I can be and I don’t feel like I can do that if i’m just barely survivng life and tired all the time mentally and physically and that’s just not fair to my future husband or child. I know I’m stressing over things that aren’t happening now or anytime soon because I’m not even like talking to any guys but it’s hard not to think about when I had a taste of “love” recently and remembered how amazing it felt and how much I miss having that intimate relationship in my life and ugh. That’s a topic for another day because I don’t want to 1. spend the rest of my day typing away and 2. I don’t want to start my day by getting that far into my feels and then being sad all day. Idk there’s just a lot going on in my brain right now and I don’t really know how to process all of it right now and I’m at a low that I haven’t been at since the whole Corey saga and I know it’ll get better and there’s amazing things coming my way, like I truly 1000000% believe that but right now i’m still stuck and it just sucks and I hate it. I’m hoping that getting back into meditation and journalling will help me start to work out some of this shitstorm and bring me peace with it all. Plus I am going to start seeing a therapist (which I’m exhausted already just thinking about starting that search) which I’m sure will be a huge help and yeah. Good things are coming, I just have to get through this shit first. Like I know there’s the quote or whatever about “i’m going to make you happy, but i’m going to make you strong first” or whatever... but like okay universe/god/whoever’s listening, I feel like I’ve been through enough character/strength building things in my life to where I promise I will truly appreciate being happy and proud of myself for making it through all of that shit so like enough’s enough. It’s my time to be happy and at peace so if you could talk to my brain and both of you sort your shit out and get with the program and make me happy damnit, that would be great. k thanks. 

Okay that’s enough rambling for today. Time to get up, take my progress pictures and weigh in, drink my supplement drink thing and some water, plan my day, maybe go for a really early walk and then do leg day later, maybe I’ll even go to QNTM to train legs... we shall see how I feel later. 

[ittakesrain]

I didn’t make the bed today. I did yesterday. And the day before. I’d made the bed pretty much every day since getting home from the mental hospital, since I discovered for the first time in fourteen years what it feels like to be unburdened, to be free from constant depression and anxiety and chaotic, crazy thoughts. It’s fuckin’ enjoyable, that freedom. And while I’m enjoying it, I’ve been making the bed because why not feel like I’ve really got it all together?

That’s not the only thing to happen since my discharge, though. I could list a few key things, but the most pressing is that basically the entire planet is in quarantine. Maybe you’ve heard?

I’ve felt like I’m in a movie montage, with the days blending together and time passing quickly but also inexplicably slowly, but I think it’s all come grinding to a halt. Maybe there was no grinding; I’ve been feeling the effects of the semi-isolated boredom grow steadily each day. But regardless, today is different: I didn’t make the bed.

I’m sitting here on a mess of blankets and pillows, my stuffed elephant sitting haphazardly where I left him this morning. I’m thinking: I was doing okay with this lockdown for the most part until recently, I think. And now, I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s the lack of structure that’s getting to me. This beats being at work, there’s no doubt about that. I’m going stir-crazy, though, and I don’t know how to fight back against the boredom.

My only real defense is routine, so I try to stick to one in the morning as rigidly as possible (though I’m not really sure that’s the right thing to do). I wake up early, wash my face, take meds and drink water, get dressed, brush my teeth, make coffee, scroll Pinterest for motivation and ideas, record my moods and meds and sleep, write a journal entry, make a healthy breakfast, take my vitamins, go for a walk. That’s me doing what I can to make the most of this situation (since I’m lucky enough to not be affected by this in a more negative way).

I just want to feel productive and accomplished and proud of myself. That’s basically what I always want anyway. I want to feel like I’m doing things that are important. Like I matter.

Yeah, that’s a bit of a dramatic leap, I know. It makes sense in my head.

Before my hospitalization, boredom and emptiness seemed to be predominant in my life, so much so that it made me begin to question my identity. My therapist and I had spoken about how boredom was a sign that I wasn’t doing anything I felt was meaningful. In a journal from that week, I wrote that “being bored means I’m not being crazy, meaning I’m not in the middle of an episode, meaning I’m really not sure about anything.” That still seems dramatic. Existential. But put simply, boredom is a trigger. Too much time to think, too much time to be unsure. To combat it, I have to “find my why” and “work toward my purpose.” That obviously seems difficult. Do I even know what’s really meaningful to me?

I haven’t spent too much time working to figure it out because I’ve been trying to fill my days will as much good as possible in a more immediate way; while I certainly see the value in looking at the big picture, I’ve felt that throughout this period of uncertainty, it’s better not to zoom out too far.

I’ve had the topic of uncertainty on my mind for a while. Since I was in the mental hospital, actually. So maybe I’m at a particular advantage since I’m a step ahead of most people. Then again, maybe I’m at a disadvantage because I’m crazy enough to have been in a mental hospital (the way I write and speak about my mental illnesses applies only to me, by the mean, and I don’t mean to call anyone else crazy; I identify with it in a very positive way, but that’s just me). But my point is that I already knew I had to find a new normal. I didn’t want to go back to the life marked with such extreme mood fluctuations that I endured before. I couldn’t have gone back even if I wanted to (thanks to lots of new insight and a cocktail of meds that actually work for me). My mood has been stable, my anxiety has been minor if I have it at all. Things are different (and thankfully better!) and I have to start from here now. It’s like when I was recovering from anorexia in high school; I couldn’t return to my previous “normal,” so I had to find a new one.

That’s what all of us have to do now. We have to find a way to gain some sense of normalcy now. And if we can’t find normal, we have to create it. We have to determine how we’re going to survive this…and then survive. It’s scary to not know how, I know that. But I’ve been thinking about that, too (I guess I’m doing more than I think I’ve been doing, because processing feelings and ideas seems to be something I’ve done a lot of).

Fear of the unknown is a unique feature of people with anxiety. I’ve definitely wished that I had the power to know more things with certainty, but I’ve learned the hard way that that’s not how it works. Life wouldn’t be what it is if we had all the answers, anyway. Uncertainty, unpredictability, and doubt are not awful things.

But right now, during a worldwide pandemic, when the death count is rising and there’s still no vaccine, when our lives are disrupted and we’ve had to adjust to working or learning from home, when we’re concerned about our health, our loved ones, our financial status? It’s difficult to think otherwise. We’re living through a historic event. This is huge. And quite frankly it sucks.

I know I’m not alone in the panic-scrolling of my social media and news feeds. It feels like there’s nothing else to do. It feels like at least if I’m updated on what’s happening, I’m doing something. It affects my mental health, though.

And as it is, April has been a little been more varied in terms of my moods. The boredom from the quarantine is getting to me, which is normal, and to be expected. I don’t want to say I’m anxious because this by no means compares to the anxiety I’m unfortunately accustomed to, but there’s a definite increase in that “iffy” and uncomfortable feeling of “what the fuck do I do with myself?” I’m having this back and forth motivation. And when I’m not focused and motivated, I feel this vague sense of “what’s the point?” It’s like the ghost of my depression, something that’s recently become a thing of the past but that I still remember clearly enough to be like “yup, that’s it, that’s the ghost of it.”

It’s worse when I don’t take my ADHD medication (that’s become a complicated issue thanks to my new psychiatrist, who I saw virtually for the first time last week) but it makes sense that the Vyvanse helps my moods; ADHD makes everything more overwhelming and being overwhelmed makes everyone more emotional.

Other than that, my mood is low but it’s probably unrelated to bipolar disorder. It’s definitely normal to be mopier these days. It’s new territory for me to feel emotionally dull, or even sad, and not have it be a warning sign for a major depressive or mixed episode to come. But then again, I still have to keep at eye on things, keep track of my moods, do what’s best for my physical and mental health, and be proactive.

Right now I’m just doing what I can to get by. Like, I’m using technology to its fullest. I video call friends and family frequently. I go for virtual walks with my cousin every day, and I use FaceTime for my therapy sessions now. I’m trying to stay connected emotionally, even though we’re all physically apart. A video call does wonders to ease the loneliness that this situation is causing. I’d include texting in this, but I can’t focus on texting people lately. It’s weird. But I’m dealing with it.

I’m using Hulu to live stream the news (although I’m trying to limit the amount of news I consume because too much is just bad for my mental health). Sometimes I download to podcasts so I have something to listen to while I walk. They’re usually news-related, but I have some in other genres. I downloaded the CDC app too, which I scroll through every now and then for added info.

I use Google calendar to stay organized and track my writing deadlines, as well as plan out a schedule so I can have personal accountability. I’m continuing to track my moods, anxiety, meds, sleep, and habits on my phone, which is important with bipolar anyway, but it also makes me feel kind of like I accomplished something. I’m trying to stick with my goal of drinking enough water. I might as well work on it now, and crossing off the cups I’ve had is a definite happiness booster.

A quick aside about goals right now: So many people have these big plans to use this time to get in shape or start their dream business or begin some sort of tremendous undertaking. And that’s wonderful for those so inclined. But not everyone has the luxury of having that option. Some people have been impacted by the coronavirus more than others. Essential workers are busting their butts every day still. Some people have family who’ve caught coronavirus. Some people have gotten sick themselves. But even people not in those circumstances don’t need to feel guilty for just getting through this time however they can, even if it’s just struggling to stay entertained.

I made a list of how to entertain myself, way back when this thing started. I wanted to stay busy, since boredom has proven itself one of my triggers. So I listed as many things as I could think of, and I planned on referring back to it if the excessive free time started to get to me. There weren’t very many things on the list (read, play video games, puzzles, etc), but I found myself unable to do most of the things on it anyway. It was almost like a depression thing, when you want to do something but can’t bring yourself to do the thing. But either wat, I don’t know if my old method of frantically distracting myself to run from boredom and the eventual mood episode it brings is the right one to use. I need to find and keep a sense of balance. I need to let go of what I can’t control but work on what I can. I need to recharge. I want to recharge.

My plan to do that will involve setting guidelines. I only want to watch or read the news in the morning, and not for too long. It will involve doing things I haven’t been doing lately, any things, just to get myself a change. Maybe I’ll crochet some hats (even though it’s spring now). Because maybe it’ll help relax my brain, help me heal even more. Maybe I’ll be struck with brilliant inspiration while mindlessly crocheting. Basically, my plan is to do stuff that’s helpful and then enjoy the good feelings after.

[misszarves]

timeline of my spiral for anyone who wants to laugh react

july 2019: hit a wall with sleep deprivation, anemia, gut problems and probably plain burnout, started having conflicts with my boss especially around my lateness (our workday started at 5:00 AM, he refused to simply write me up or suspend me but instead wanted to “talk about it” and this became extremely intrusive and uncomfortable fast)

also july: had my first encounter with an animal in a sticky trap, outside my apartment, a bird who I was able to rescue

also july: quit that job, went back to the golf course to bartend a couple of days a week

august: moved back in with my parents as a result of my changed employment situation

late august: read that shockingly graphic article in the NYT about child porn that some of you may remember (do I need to put a trigger warning or can y’all use common sense and refrain from looking it up). sharp spike in anxiety, making it worse than it had been in six or seven years

september: picked up more hours at the golf course, was able to make some investments in myself -- a new sewing machine and some singing lessons. had my two-year cake. 

mid-october: found out I was pregnant. on a friday (K, not J, was the father -- some people do ask). made the quick decision to have an abortion but was unable to get in touch with any abortion provider until the middle of the following week (due to phone/email tag, etc), giving me enough time to start Feeling Things about the pregnancy

november: continuing to live with my parents and work full-time as a bartender, succumbed to angst and anxiety as expected -- but family, friends and coworkers with the glaring exception of my mom (who still pretends she didn’t even know I was pregnant, lol) were very supportive. for a brief period, we settled on keeping the baby, and told my dad and picked godparents. when I changed my mind again, my boyfriend was devastated. that pretty much hasn’t changed

late november: in a last-ditch attempt to fend off the crushing dread, I took a trip north to see a friend and her husband (to be clear, I would have visited them anyway lmfao). it helped a little. on the way back, I stopped to see some of my mother’s cousins, who tried to rope me into a pyramid scheme.

november 28: abortion day! my aunt took me to the clinic and then out for burgers. while we were eating, one of the cooks, who my aunt knew, fell off a ladder and onto his back.

first two weeks following the abortion: the normal feel-like-shit-no-matter-how-secure-you-were-in-your-decision period

dec 3: relapsed! 

dec 3 onwards: since the relapse went on for about three months, I can’t nail down when that “two week” period actually ended. pregnancy hormones resulted in waves of anger and teariness, but no satisfying “mourning”. I drank more heavily than I ever did before, routinely got shitfaced or even blacked out while on shift. I told people about the relapse, but the actual inebriation mostly went unnoticed.

christmas eve: after convincing J to come spend christmas with my family, got drunk again, we got in some sort of argument. I don’t remember.

christmas morning: J left as soon as possible.

the blurry period between christmas and mid-January 2020: 

more drinking at work, and a peak in the mouse and rat problem my workplace had been managing badly for several months. saw and heard three tiny, dying, bloody mice on two separate sticky traps (two different days). on a slow ~pasta night~, knocked back a couple of drinks so I could ask one of the cooks at the pasta buffet to leave his post and euthanize the second and third mouse. which he did as humanely as possible -- with a shovel. at this point I wrote a letter to my GM telling him how unacceptable it was to make his hormonal, post-abortive employees deal with sentient animals in their dying agonies, and could he please come up with a different pseudo-solution. about a week later, he came up to me and, with great diplomacy and tact, told me to shove it up my ass.

powdered bait laced with rat poison was placed on the floor in and around the bar and kitchen. I called the health inspector, who brought the hammer down on both the poison and the sticky traps. the poison was cleaned up (part of that job went to yours truly, with no protection) as were some but not all of the sticky traps

I developed a small crush on a long-time coworker (cook #1) who began behaving in what I assumed was meant to be a flirtatious way (eye-fucking, going out of his way to talk to me in a way he hadn’t before, etc). this included some pointed questions about my mental health (the abortion and the relapse were public information at this point). bizarrely, he refused to tell me anything personal about himself. he started dating one of the banquet girls. he eventually told a mutual friend (cook #2, and our shovel-killer from above) that he “got [a] vibe” that I “wanted to fuck” but (as cook #2 gleefully reported to me) made a face and expressed disgust at the possibility of ever being involved with me in that way. (WHY ASK ME ABOUT MY FUCKING ABORTION THEN, YOU WEIRDO)

cook #2 started trying to fuck me. I did not reciprocate. he then told me he thought I was a “six” and that he wasn’t interested. a few weeks later he tried to fuck me again

early january 2020: got both a yeast infection and bacterial vaginal infection

january 6: J had a grand mal seizure on my kitchen floor. I had never seen a seizure and the tremors were so severe that my dad, who had seen many, thought he may also have been having a stroke (turned out, just a seizure). he was hospitalized overnight and kicked to the curb -- but the process was begun to get him back into rehab

january 7 (?): employee gift exchange at work. I was on shift and wasn’t participating, but there weren’t a lot of customers and my coworkers asked me to come join them. there were five-gallon buckets of old sangria to which we were given unlimited access (and remember that I was the bartender, so I took the trips to the fridge and back). I blacked out. cook #2 called my mother and I vaguely recall getting in her van.

the days following that “party”: cook #2 and several other coworkers told me I “didn’t seem that drunk,” ie was not a horrible embarrassment. however, cook #2 told me that I’d made out with him. then I started to hear rumours that I and a third cook (cook #3) had disappeared for half an hour to “go have sex”. let me be graphic for a moment: I was wearing a panty-liner that night because the spotting from the abortion hadn’t stopped, I had a yeast infection, and I hadn’t trimmed my pubic hair in about a month -- no matter how drunk I was, I cannot see myself agreeing to take my pants off around a random coworker. someone told me that I had a cheeseburger in my hand when we disappeared and was still eating it when she saw me again so she doesn’t think anything happened -- but I was suspiciously sore the next day. was it the yeast infection or was I sexually assaulted? I don’t know because I was blacked out and I never asked cook #3

january 10: actual staff holiday party. cook #3 introduced me to his long-time girlfriend. we all smiled and shook hands.

mid-january: mac miller’s circles album dropped. I decided I wanted to live. I continued to drink until the end of february, but stayed sober for much longer periods between much shorter binges

late january: I put in my two-weeks’ notice at the golf course and borrow some money from my dad. stinky came to live with us.

february 1: k, stinky and me moved into a small house my parents’ church is renting

most of february: fighting, gossiping, and faction-forming in my AA homegroup, culminated in a member being expelled and a series of “group conscience” meetings which involved yelling, fighting and crying. a relatively new arrival to our group (but a longtimer in the program) started to power-grab, which wouldn’t have fazed me except that she started openly singling me out as a “newcomer” whose vote did not count. this despite other members relapsing in the same period I did, and said power-grabber having been in attendance at my fucking cake five months previous. things got awkward.

mid-february: J went back to rehab

also mid-february: I got pulled over driving drunk in washington state. ironically, the confidence and ease I got from the alcohol kept me from being rude and short with the officer as I usually am, and he told me in a very friendly way that the speed limit would increase by 10 mph a little further down the highway, so perhaps I was confused, and I should take care out there. no ticket. a sign from god?

also mid-february: I got formally assessed for ADHD and tried ritalin for the first time. this did not end up working out.

mid-february: I was invited to dinner by the much older man who does the irrigation on the golf course, through one of the gardeners, a woman a few years younger than me with an established father-daughter type relationship with the irrigation guy. the three of us ate dinner at his house, and she proceeded to pass out from drinking too much. irrigation guy took the opportunity to feel me up.

end of february: I took my last drink and decided to start applying for jobs

also end of february: my ADHD symptoms as well as my anxiety began to spike, throwing a wrench in my resume-writing and hand-shaking plans

march: something else threw a wrench in my hand-shaking plans, as it did with all of yours. it goes without saying that I have been terribly anxious. the upside is that I know for certain that the abortion was the right idea.

also march: I switched to vyvanse and began to see better results.

mid-march, at the very beginning of shut-downs where I live: I see irrigation guy again and he takes the opportunity to pat my ass. 

end of march: J relapsed in rehab, was discharged and will see at least a ninety-day delay in his plan to complete the program and then get into secondary housing. he was briefly hospitalized, during which time the doctors did so little for him that he would have literally been just as well off in a drunk tank. service canada lost some of his paperwork so he still doesn’t have his medical EI money.

yesterday: J moved into my shed. he spoke to his counsellor, who will try to get him into a recovery house. I am confident that some things, particularly his EI money, will work out very soon. but whatever happens I have felt a reduction in the second-hand stress. as I said, and now he agrees: it’s a pretty nice shed.

[careerwomenwithadhd]

The Toughest Post I’ve Ever Written

I had not been sleeping well for several months. My stress levels were through the roof. I was operating on automatic, on survival mode. I was so sensitive and crying about everything and anything. My world was crumbling.

It was my last semester of graphic design school, spring 2010, and I have tried and stopped all sorts of ADHD meds that were, at the time, available (Straterra, Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse). I couldn't cope with insomnia or day time drowsiness or other side effects. I would get migraines or felt like a complete zombie, merely existing and going through the motions. Other meds were used instead that left me lethargic and out of sorts. It was incredibly disappointing. Other people talked about experiencing clarity and calmness for the first time. They were having their eureka moment. Why couldn't I have mine?!

Was this how it was going to be the rest of my life? Was I going to constantly disappoint everyone around me and not being able to live up to a standard that everyone else so easily reached?  Was I always going to be late, forgetful, hot-tempered? Was I going to always have 20 tabs open simultaneously in my head? 

How would I reconcile a carefully constructed image I had so meticulously put together to outwardly project control, confidence, organization, put-togetherness when I was a mess inside?

What if I couldn't meet the demands of the working and adult life of today's world? I could barely cope with school!  

I would frequently find myself crying in my car before school, on my way to school, after school, in the bathroom at school, in the shower, or before I went to bed. What had happened to me?

In my previous post, I talked about the issues I was having with my then fiancé. His gaslighting and alcoholism were taking a toll on me. Even more, he could hide his flaws behind a façade of cool, calm, organization, extreme attention to detail. Essentially, everything I was striving to be.

I thought I knew this person. This person symbolized safety and security for so long, and now I didn't know what to expect. Was he always this person or did he change?  Where did we go wrong?  I was young, and I thought it was on me to help him and 'fix' him, fix us. It was slowly tearing my heart apart. I felt I couldn't breathe. How could he do this to me?

When someone takes her life, people wonder 'What triggered it?'  What was the one event that tipped the scale and made her throw in the towel?  What many people don't realize is that for most who take their lives, depression has been an unwanted companion for a long, long time. In my case, I had been diagnosed with depression in my early teen years, so it had been my very unwanted companion for quite a while.

That's how it is in most cases.

It's there so long that it has made itself comfortable there in you, so you don't even notice it. In fact, you're more likely to notice when it's not there.

It notices you, though. Especially when you're vulnerable and alone, and in pain, so much pain that you've been carrying around for too damn long.

It's like a cup that has been filling up slowly for so long that you don't notice when it starts spilling over.  Suddenly, the water has not only spilled over, but it has also flooded every part of your life, and you're in a bottomless pool. You're drowning. It's so dark, cold, lonely, and quiet, and you're so far gone. The overwhelming, gut-wrenching despair and loss of hope leaves you hallow.

It is SO beyond painful. There's no light. There's no hope. There's no way out. You de-attach and forget your most primal instinct. Your instinct becomes to let go….

I ended up in the hospital and, no, I will not go into the details of how/where/why this….It's irrelevant at this point, it's done, and it has taken me almost 10 years to get the courage to write this.

The journey back has not been easy. It has tested my resilience, relationships, mental health, and confidence in more ways than I could ever imagine. There is a reason why they say there is no greater journey than the journey within. No one can see it, but it is most certainly there.  The world can be a shallow and ignorant place. In my journey, however, I have met life-long friends and some of the kindest most authentic individuals that I could ever have imagined meeting.

One loving constant throughout my life whom I will love forever and always get emotional about is my family. My parents and brother have shown me unconditional love and support. I would not be who I am or where I am without their love.

Back to my 'moment,…' I had to go through a pretty tough partial inpatient program for people in crisis which, at the time, was grueling, but was probably one of the best things I've ever done. I had to look in the mirror and be accountable for everything that was going wrong in my life. No excuses allowed. It was here where terms, such as 'co-dependency,' and 'unhealthy' relationship started being attributed to my relationship.

My fiancé at the time was.…less than supportive. He seemed unaffected and had the gumption to insinuate that I had tried to take my life only for attention. I called BS. He had no clue what I had gone through and what I was going to go through for the rest of my life. If I was going to overcome the biggest hurdle of my life, I was going to do it by myself and not in bad company. I gave him his ring back and made it clear we were done.

I was going to start from scratch, on my own terms, at an extremely vulnerable time, but I was sure heck not going to let anyone treat me like a burden or an annoyance ever again.

As I said, it has not been a walk in the park. I could not feel my emotions for about 3 months. I was terrified of leaving my house for about a year due to extreme social anxiety. I had to develop new friendships (my relationship had isolated me so much). My migraine headaches became chronic daily migraine headaches and where horrible. My life was only about survival for about the next five years after that.

I'm glad to say that today, I'm 98% migraine free, my career has blossomed (although I'm taking a detour now), I have amazing friends, and I feel incredibly blessed. I have dated a lot since then. I've even been in another serious relationship that didn't work out (fortunately….).

 There are good days and there are bad days. I have become much more compassionate, open, and accepting of people. I take extreme self-care and respect the self-care of others.

I have not tried taking my life again. I feel whole, confident, and secure at my core. I'm not saying things are perfect, but I know I have what it takes to find my way around life's challenges. I have too much to live for and someone to live for: my brother. He was born with Down Syndrome, and I will be his primary caretaker one day. I could not imagine anyone else taking care of him.

Here's what I've learned: You teach people how to treat you by, 

1) accepting their behavior and encouraging it; 

2) stopping it and not tolerating it

Don't be afraid to ask for help. I still have trouble with this, but I remind myself of the consequences of not asking for help.

Either you win or you learn

Change how you perceive things if you're not happy

If you didn't get that job, maybe there's an even better one out there for you

If you're overweight, maybe it's an opportunity to join the gym and meet new people

If your car dies down….well this one is hard. At least don't panic and don't jump to conclusions.

Mental health affects EVERYONE. It does not discriminate just like diabetes or epilepsy does not discriminate.

If someone in your personal life is having a toxic effect in your well being, cut him/her out to the best of your ability. It's not selfish or rude. It's part of self-care.

[-theuntoldstoryofemilyy]

For a while now, I’ve been wanting to get back into writing more and I need to vent so I think this would be a good start...

As the new year and new semester are just taking off, I have realized that I need to start making changes in my life to get me to where I want to be. 2016 was just not my year and with every year that passes, I come to learn more about myself. 

I have never been one to really have serious goals in mind for a new year, nor have I been one to believe you need a new year to start making changes. But, if a new year is an excuse- if you will- to start bettering yourself, then I guess who am I to say otherwise. 

My goals for this year and this semester are to... 

 Make school my priority

 Make sure I go to all my classes

Spend less money

Surround myself with things and people that make me happy

Cut the people and things out of my life that don’t make me happy 

I’ve always felt like I put more effort into my relationships with other people than I get back, whether that be my friendships or with boys I am talking to. It always makes me sad that I feel like I am always the one initiating things and that if I don’t reach out to someone first, I am unlikely to hear from them. As frustrating as this is and as sad as this makes me, I have started to realize that as good of a friend as they may be, I shouldn’t have to remind people about the plans we’ve made, or always have to be the first one to reach out to get together. So, I’ve made it one of my goals to not completely cut these people out of my life but to at least distance myself from them. No big deal has to be made about it and I don’t feel I need to confront them about it, but if the subject was ever brought up, I would voice my feelings to them as to why we may not have spoken for a while. 

Another reason I feel like I need to make this change in my life, is because at the end of the day, I am the one losing sleep over it- not them. I am the one that ends up hurt and I shouldn’t allow people that hurt me or make me sad to continue being a part of my life where they have the opportunity and power to do so. It sucks, but why should I waste my energy getting upset about someone that has been known to fall through with plans in the past, and only continues to do it. Its not fair to me and I am the only one who can change this. 

                                    ~~~~~~~

Another thing that has really been bothering me is one of my friends here at school. She is one of my good friends here but I just really feel like I need space from her. We spent a lot of time together last semester, too much time. And I am now to the point where I am getting frustrated by things she does when I know I shouldn’t be getting as mad as I do, but I do. 

She struggled with an eating disorder in high school and also had a boyfriend for the majority of high school, who now also goes to college with us. Something that I have picked up on is that I feel like she is a people pleaser and it really annoys me because I feel like she will say or do things just to please me, when they are in fact, not her true opinions. So it is no necessarily like she is lying, but is it like she forgets that she said one thing to me, but really means another? It is evident that she doesn’t mean some of the things she says to me, because she does the opposite? 

After doing some research on eating disorders and the dynamic between mother - daughter relationships of daughters that have eating disorders, it has been clear and proven to me that this need to please people, that I am seeing, is stemmed from her eating disorder. Her need to be approved by others and not having her own opinions is what frustrates me the most. And I’m not entirely sure why? 

As for her relationship that ended fall semester of sophomore year (i think), it ended because the boy cheated on her. Not only was and is he controlling, but also manipulative and emotionally abusive. She has ended friendships because he told her to. She lets him control her entire mood and even day. I completely understand this but at the same time do not. 

I think the dynamic of relationships in high school are completely different to how they are in college in that it was more acceptable to stay with someone who treated you poorly because of the smaller pool of people and it was just comfortable in high school. I don’t know if I’ve been kind of numbed to this feeling now but I really feel as if your twenties are your selfish years and college is the time to meet new people and have new experiences with new people. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be sad about the breakup or just him in general, but I just feel that it is very high school like. Its hard too because she doesn’t ever tell anyone about him, because she knows people do not approve of their relationship. He is so manipulative to her and knows she will come back to him always and he takes advantage of that. Its frustrating as her friend to see her to continue to return and not speak up about it, to a boy who treats her so bad. 

I know in high school, no one understood what I saw in Justin and no one understood why I still liked him when he also treated me horribly. But his treatment was very different than the way this ex boyfriend treats my friend. Never did Justin say half the things this ex has said to my friend, but he was a lousy boyfriend in his own way, in that he wouldn’t show up to things, take me out, etc. I’d like to think that if he ever treated me even half as badly as this ex has treated my friend, that I would break it off. I know its much easier said than done, but how do you expect yourself to get over someone when you still have them on social media and talk to his family? That I do not understand. Again, easier said than done, but if you really want something in life, you have to really want it for yourself because no one can make you do it but yourself. I learned this when I was trying to stop cutting. It takes time, but you can’t expect yourself to get over someone without giving yourself a fair chance to actually get over them, you know? 

Another thing I have a hard time understanding is why she is afraid to report an event that took place last spring semester, where she had started hooking up with a boy and wanted to stop but he wouldn’t let her. She says that she is worried the whole frat will hate her and that she doesn’t want to negatively impact his life?  I have a very hard time understanding this because HE negatively impacted his OWN life when he acted the way he did. Also, legally nothing at this point could happen. Its a he said she said situation where there was alcohol involved and it is now a year later. The worst that could happen is maybe their frat would get a warning, but if she is worried about negatively impacting his life and future, it is too late for that. 

She says she is now in counseling and going to join a support group for her sexual assault, which I think is a great step in the right direction. However, I do not think that is the only issue she needs to work on. I can only hope that this counseling leads her to more counseling for the eating disorder, because I think that is at the root of her issues. This need to not upset people and make sure everyone likes her, come from her eating disorder. I know she almost cannot help it, but it is frustrating and hard for me to understand. 

As I am making these new changes so far, like not going out as often and putting my priorities and future first, I also realize that maybe she is not in the same place I am at right now. Not only can I not financially afford to get into any more trouble, but futuristically too. She has an 8am class every day except for Friday for her teaching certification; these classes are mandatory with no absences allowed and so even though it is only the first week of the semester, she has already missed one of those classes which are 3 hours long. She also said while she was home over break that she started to take vyvanse and that she gets sick when she drinks now, but then she goes and gets hammered, misses her mandatory class, and still is planning to go out again tonight? It makes me have no sympathy or even want to hear about how if she gets a bad grade in those classes. 

Like I said, I just think we are at very different places in our lives and even different places mentally. I know I just have to keep reminding myself that I can only control my own actions and not the actions of others. But it continues to frustrate me and get me worked up when I know it shouldn’t, but I don’t know why it does or how I change my own behavior and way of thinking when it comes to this. 

                                            ~~~~~~~

If any of you have any thoughts, that would be cool, but if not then just thanks for taking the time to read this I guess. It’s been nice to let this all out. 

[stonaacomaa29-blog]

This is my life... :O

I rode my bike today when I got out of work.. I opened and left at 4. I then ran into Nano and Tato while they were wrapping up to leave. Nano tripped and fell but Tato was there for her and I didn’t see. She seemed ok.... but her shoulder was hurting. I’ll try to call her (which is out of the norm) later on this week. 

Jon Russo is back! I am so excited. I missed him too much... Oh well. 

Gotta start thinking if I’m gonna stay one or two days at BBP since it’s good part-time money. I have an interview at 11:30 tomorrow. WFM. Exciting? Have to be at BBP. Maybe I can ask Julita to come in for an hour. And on that note I just got out of class and Julita needs me at work so I’m going to go back to help out and get some extra hours. YES! 

No therapy this week.. I wish I did have therapy though....I went to the Hispanic Day Parade in Manhattan for J&J. It was actually really cool despite the fact that it was raining and so fucking humid. We handed out samples of products to the masses and listened to blasting Despacito lmfao. Given.. that day Dad told me that he’s going to have to move to save money and save for his non-existent retirement.  Thus meaning... Layla can’t go with him. He’s trying to give her away which truly crushes my heart. I feel like I failed... not like I was doing much I guess. Fuck.

Got out of my depression phase of last week.... I think I’m late for my period (also FUCK.)  I gotta see.. I gotta wait and see. Wellbutrin doesn’t make a difference. Idk. For my “ADD” I have been taking some Vyvanse..... It’s cool. I wish I could get prescribed. It actually has me thinking about one thing at once. It’s very interesting. 

These last few days I’ve been feeling very sick. I think it’s because I got the flu shot on Wednesday... After I got drunk with Will at Dingbats lol. I got a little mad at hime for not spending all his time with me but I knowwwww that concerts/shows is really the best chance for him to network as much as possible. I couldn’t hold him against him but since we took two different cars I left all angry. We didn’t argue or anything since that wasn't the point. Honestly I think I was just PMSing. Jesus. I hope I get my period.. lol.

Will stayed home sick on Colombus Day and I wasn’t scheduled so I got to spend nice quality time with him. Even though we spend so much time together already. Sheesh. It never gets old. I love him. I’ve come to the point where we are just companions to each other and best friends too. It’s really nice. I never thought I’d be able to be this way with Will. And you know what.... this is what I always wanted. I just never thought that my thoughts could become reality. And i know he really cares about me. It’s lovely. 

***Random note- I finally made a semi decent playlist for fucking BBP. It’s called ‘ woop.’ hehe. 

ok. Time to go to go back to work to get that moneyyyyyy.

Last but not least FML. 

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

thoughts during quarantine (day 17?)

so this whole quarantine thing has been interesting. the first week I felt great, worked out hard every day, cleaned/cleaned out a whole bunch of stuff in my apartment that was long overdue (overall deep clean plus taking everything out of every drawer/cabinet in my kitchen and bathroom, cleaning them, and reorganizing stuff plus finally cleaning up my living room), and felt great. then the second week hit and it all went downhill. I binged three days in a row and didn’t move much those days. my sleep hasn’t been great since I've been binge watching bones “because it’s being taken off amazon prime in a few days” but let’s be real, we all know that’s not the true reason (my mental health is not doing well so I'm numbing by getting lost in that world rather than deal with the problems going on in this one) and staying up way too late doing that but still getting up at 5am every morning so I knew I was headed for a crash really soon so I self imposed one on myself when I woke up at 11am and figured by the time I took the Vyvanse and it kicked in, I would be up all night again so I skipped it and spent the day mostly asleep (legit closed my eyes and woke up again at 5pm.... if that doesn’t say I was tired and needed the sleep, I don't know what does). When I was awake, I was stuffing any carb I could find into my face and fought to keep my eyes open the minimal time I was awake but then yesterday I felt so much better. I got up at the normal 5am wake up time, cleaned/tidied the apartment, went for an hour and 20min walk outside in the sun, had a lovely FaceTime call with my mom and Charlie which was beyond needed, then did a quick arm workout while we had our quarantine dance party in the courtyard, then passed out on the couch for a nap way too late but was still showered, hair dried, and in bed by 10pm. Plus I hit my macros for the day and drank my gallon of H20 so I crushed it yesterday. Looking forward to doing it all again today, just a little different. I’m really glad I let myself have those couple of days to just chill and recover so I felt like I was more in control of it vs being helpless/a victim to it and making myself feel bad about it. I also made myself a habit checklist thing in my journal for the month so that’s been helping keep me accountable since we all know my competitive side wants to see all of those boxes filled in every day haha. Gotta work with things like that and use it to my advantage right? 

We just got word that we won’t be going back to work until at least May 1st and honestly I’m not sure how to feel about it. At first I was all excited that we were being quarantined and couldn’t go to work because I was beyond run down and needed the time off since I had just dealt with a 4 day migraine/depression spree that left me bed bound due to stress and being overworked so my body was just done. Now that I've relaxed, done most of what I wanted to get done around the apartment and bills are coming in, this is when the stress has started to rise. Not only are all of these things happening but now I'm bored and antsy and feel like I should be doing so much more but that’s the problem - there isn’t much I can do and there’s only so many walks I can go on and workouts I can do to occupy my time while not just sitting on my ass all day. Plus when all you’ve been doing is watching shows and youtube videos, it gets to a point where you feel like you’ve watched them all and its no longer entertaining. Plus it’s just another day of the same old shit and I'm just over it to be honest. I don’t want to go back to work but I also can’t just sit here and do nothing anymore, now it’s no longer helping my anxiety but fueling it. I’m trying my best to stay positive and keep myself busy but like I said, there’s only so many face masks I can do where they’ll actually have a benefit and not be for nothing. 

Also I don’t have many feelings about the whole pandemic in general. like you’d think that since there’s this huge issue which is like nothing I've ever dealt with in my life I'd be a lot more panicked and freaking out but nope, I'm just numb. I was bored so I did the enneagram test and got type 9 which is the mediator/stabilizer aka I just want everyone to be chill and will go along with whatever so to avoid conflict (sounds about right). Then I read about our coping mechanisms and found this “Nines use narcotization to avoid conflict, manage their anger and maintain a self-image of being comfortable or harmonious. Even productive activities can keep Nines sedated if they become too habitual.” and umm yeah I've never felt more understood yet attacked after reading that and the whole profile of a 9. The funny thing is that I'm a 9 with a 1 wing so it’s like I'm mainly a 9 but also have characteristics of a 1 which is the perfectionist. So I'm go with the flow, no confrontation but also controlling and want everything to be perfect and done my way.... yeah that explains a lot lol. No wonder my brain is all confused/messed up all the time lol. But I think I've just gotten so “good” at numbing that I can even numb myself to huge world events like this and while I'm glad I'm not a ball of nerves over here freaking out, I’m a little like “scared” that I don’t feel anything, at least not like outright. I know there’s a whole mess of emotions underneath the numbing and I want to bring them out so I can just feel them and not keep them bottled up but I don't know how. I'm going to do some research into how to do that while I have the time and hopefully start to feel things again. Like the fact that my biggest concern during all of this is if they were going to cancel the Luke concert this summer says a lot... like yes I feel bad for all of the people effected by it don’t get me wrong and I'm worried about my family who’s in like the epicenter of the part of the country that got hit the worst but they’re all safe and actually staying inside so I'm not as worried for now about them but like idk it’s just a weird time and I think since it’s all so new I just don’t know how to process it which seems to be a common theme I've seen on social media too so it’s not just me. I think it really hit me hard when I went on a walk to downtown and in the middle of the day on a Sunday I was basically the only person on broadway and all the bars and stuff were closed and there wasn’t any country music playing at all... it was like a ghost town. then I walked over the bridge and saw a few other people but not many and while I did get some pretty sick pictures, it just felt so weird to be so alone in what I always think of as how crazy it is on New Years. To go from barely being able to walk on the sidewalks and it taking 30 mins just to get off broadway in an uber to it being a ghost town was shocking. Not gunna lie I wasn’t that mad once I got over that feeling because it was the perfect scenario for me - getting to enjoy my city and be downtown without a billion people and just being able to breathe and not have it be all crazy down there but relaxing instead. 

So yeah this was all over the place but what else is new. I’ll be back tomorrow since i’m really going to try to focus on my mental/physical health during this time off so I can stay sane during this and come out of it better than I was before. Okay that’s it. See ya tomorrow