#at this point ive been crying for hours
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#I'm having such a hard time to let go arcane#bajduwianBdjdksbsbvsk#and i don't get it#at this point ive been crying for hours#like not even exaggerating#it's funny it's definitely is and i can't stop watching videos#it's not enouuugh#maybe I'm just emotional#but ffs#need to calm down#g
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hello <3 does anyone have any last-minute tips for idk . enjoying a (taemin!!!!!!!) concert when you have autism + adhd? HSJSJSJS
#im sooooo nervous holy shit. it's been a While since i did the whole queuing thing for an artist#and when we did it for harry i had moments were i felt truly Terrible HSJSJSJSJ and im also nervous it won't feel real#or i won't be able to like. feel grounded or present??? and just close off emotionally???#i know this is silly and ive only listened to taemin since 2020 and never religiously like i did for bt s and seventeen ofc#but yk!!!!!! it's taemin!!!!!! and obviously feel v v lucky i get to go at all (yk. godwilling everything goes well)#also if anyone has any taemin specific tips hmu dhsjsjdh i haven't looked up the setlist bc i wanna be surprised#i know all his songs i think but not all by heart?#(also everything about queuing is Stressful HSJSJD and we have to travel 3.5 hours by train first which really is a record distance#in this country GSJSJSJD)#(anyways hiiiiiii sorry)#(oh and how be at peace with what you have djjsjdd and not to regret things constantly)#(which ig with taemin im constantly like Just So Happy To Be Here but then if it's me who could've done things differently it's >:[)#also in hindsight i think i just had a ? shutdown? meltdown? at one of the harry shows rip that wasn't great#can i even say that. idk if i get those. but i was quite literally shaking crying (not throwing up!) and couldn't explain a thing#anyways i think i'll take my adhd meds so i at least won't have a billion other thoughts in my head??#i just haven't in ages but i took them today and my heart has been Pounding HSJSJS also im sweating and nervous but yk we deal#i realise im making a huge deal out of this and it will most likely be fine#it's just like. if I don't feel anything at this????? what's the point#so no pressure HDJSJSJSJDJ maybe that's not a great thought#concerts are just... tricky and so much worse still now with covid and wearing a mask as one of the only people there#also sensorily + heat wise whew. but for the best
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Hey chat guess who's sacrificing another round of sleep just to finish a f*cking one shot that's been killing me for a damn week now :)
#fresco's chatterbox#random ik :]#fresco's writing hours#< kinda counts#istg im gonna cry#i feel guilty for having this one shot in my notes for a week now#like it's a one shot it's not supposed to be long#and yet ive been fighting with it for a week now#and the point is that it's a promised present to someone#and fuck i really really hope i didn't disappoint ghem or made them think I gave them false hope#when I didn't im actually just struggling with this thing#how the heck is writing the damn asf long TSoTT easier than this one shot i don't get it#i placed everything aside for this and yet I can't get it right#i never wrote a one shot before but shouldn't it be easier than writing smth that's as complex as TSoTT???#i wouldn't be mad at myself if it was just a regular attempt at a one shot ofc#but this is different bcuz I promised this to someone so now i have no fucking idea how did I made them feel with this#i won't be surprised if they just forgot bcuz fuck it a week#*head in hands*#i know that im a terrible writer during the day#and that im better at night#so here i am#sacrificing another night for this#istg i hope ill get it done tonight#im gonna cry of i don't get this done any time soon#it's supposed to be shirt#but oh my God im not made for making short stuff#and I know that a friend reassured me about this but I still don't feel like this is fine#im better than this#im terrible#i should've had this done already
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my lizard died. i gave her a little grave with her favorite plant next to it and a rock with her name. she was the most perfect little princess and im gonna miss her a lot
#jay word vomits#idk how to be honest on here at this point#but ive been crying for like half an hour at this point#im so devestated
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theyve relisted the job i started in here cause we're losing a guy in may (same job but shit hours, no benefits) and it's starting at 19.67 now.
which is great! since it's listed as 24 hours a week in order to keep them from receiving benefits. but it's also like twelve dollars more than i started at in the same position (more worse hours but still seasonal so no benefits) AND. less than a dollar less than i make now, lmao.
#IT'S MORE THAN I STARTED AT WHEN I CAME BACK#like on the one hand im v happy for them because they SHOULD make that much#but it always feels really bad that i worked like three years for less than half that lmao#old man yells at cloud but the job was much fucking worse at that point too i was making eight dollars an hour to manually#build schedules in sundance every fucking day#if i had to do that again at THIS paygrade i would simply cry.#ive been fulltime for almost ten years btw and when i left three years ago i was making fifteen dollars an hour#now i make a little over twenty#i cannot stress enough that it still bloes my mind we make that much#i have coworkers who make what feels like an insane amount of money to do the easiest job in the goddamn world#i have a sinking feeling that i also have a coworker who is making more than me having started fulltime six months ago.#hope the pt now get this raise#if not she should get to kill an executive for free
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I just want a life where my mom isn't so much of an asshole that on like a bi-monthly basis my eyes hurt by the end of the day from crying so hard cause she's such a fuckin giant dick
#like. I cannot stress enough. no one else in the family wants to deal with her NOT because of her disabilities#but because of how much of an ASSHOLE she is#and like. I can accept that some things are harder with her cause her mental faculties are like. idk#not great#so *sometimes* she maybe doesn't understand something or whatever#that's never been a problem for me. like she doesn't really ever remember how to use her ATM card. whatever. I help her!#it's INFURIATING tho to try to have any conversation with her when she's permanently on the fox news IV drip#like. it's insane. she's SO combative abt a lot of stuff it's to the point where I KNOW#if she went to a therapist they'd have her on new meds like *that*#it also doesn't help that numerous times drs have told her like you definitely have other diagnoses#things I wont list here because it's not my medical history but let's just say YES HOLY SHIT SHE HAS THOSE#but she literally doesn't want to be ~crazy~ so she got a new doc and got them to REMOVE THE DIAGNOSIS#said it was in error she doesn't have those#she 100000% does. and if she were on meds for them and in INTENSIVE therapy#with someone who was REALLY qualified to treat THOSE issues she might do better#I'm just SO tired bro. I'm 36 years old#and I continuously have to drop whatever I'm doing to handle every little thing for her#my internet went out I know its 8:30pm but it's out! I can't log into my hulu!#like. it's so much. and I make like. seriously not enough money. and I don't get enough hours#and this has been my WHOLE LIFE. when I was in high school I wasn't even paid for it! I was going to school and basically#parenting her and my brother#I'm SO TIRED bro. I'm so tired. I'm stsrting to cry again ughhhhhh I just really needed to vent#delete later#erin explains it all
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Just wanna remind everyone that it's NEVER okay to tell someone to die.
You don't know how hard they're fighting to stay alive every day. Or if they don't even want to fight for that any more.
#i hate that i let that get to me lmao just ruined my fucking day ive been sitting here sobbing for like an hour#i cant tell anyone just how much i dont even want to try any more bc i dont see the point#medical issues and mental issues dont pair well and i dunno if im even gonna be able to survive the next flare up#i dont need fandom spaces telling me to die when im already telling myself that every fucking day#also why does my age always get brought up lmao i didnt choose to be born 30 years ago stop telling me im old#my body has been telling me im old since age 11 you dont know what ive fucking been thru#30 was just a formality and serves as another reminder of how ill never meet societys expectations for a 30yo lmao#my point is. you should try showing a little more kindness if telling someone to die comes so easily#ive literally never once told anyone to die in my life. you just dont fucking go there. what if they kill themself right after that?#can you live knowing they did so on your command?#i couldnt#thats just like beyond fucked up#anyway im gonna go try and stop crying#ill prob stay off tumblr today idk i feel real sick lol#delete later / /#i hate that i cant exist as myself either in person (too queer and closeted in a rural area) or online (too queer and weird ships)#anyway
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So I'm a baby according to my mom (derogatorily) because I decided to stay in from college today and slept till 11 (I haven't slept well in a week) and she called me worthless.
So......I wake up at 7 every morning and travel almost one and a half hour (back and forth) to college and deal with the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion of being in a city and college where I feel suffocated and I can't do anything about it because I'm quite literally stuck here. And I hardly get to sleep because I need to study.
But yeah, I'm a baby and I'm worthless. Sure.
Just to check, she's supposed to love me, right?
#vent#desiblr#there's people my age who are drinking smoking hoeing around on their parents' money and neglecting everything thats important#i will cry i just woke up#ive been crying a lot lately /srs#i dont even know at this point#and my mom gets to whine about how hard her life is right now and im just supposed to sympathise with it#i think i should just apologise for my existence to her#that im sorry all your one hour of labour pain was not worth it and that i am worthless indeed
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worst delusion is of being watched i just wanna scream out for everyone to get the fuck away from me and stop looking at me i can’t handle it anymore just stop looking at me
#it’s been heckling me for the past few days im reaching my breaking point im about to start fucking swinging#ive been crying for the past hour bc i feel like they’re watching me and no i can’t say who they are
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yeah I have more to say
#I think priest was right when he said I wanted a lot and it’s more than I can have bc I’ve taken more than I can handle#I’ve been trying to say yes to things which is all well and good but I’ve been out every night this week between hockey and friends#this week has lasted six months#and at the same time Tuesday was a few hours ago#and at all times there is so much I’m not doing.#as always it’s partially an issue of wasted time bc ive been getting up late and struggling to work in my room#but I also still haven’t recovered from the cold mentally or physically and it put me so behind#which was now two weeks ago god#somehow only two weeks#.but also two fucking weeks that’s so long#and I’m still trying to be gentle w myself but that doesn’t work but i also know I’m being too harsh on myself all the time#I don’t know what to do with any of this#I think temporarily I might stop Doing Things and just have time for me to get myself back together and slow down a bit bc it’s way too much#I think I’m just really horribly overwhelmed by everything and it’s built up to a breaking point#so this weekend I’m not gonna go out and see anyone I’m gonna stay in or go to the library and finish my work#have a goddamn cup of tea before I go to bed#I need to go to the shop and cook at some point but that can be basics for now because as much as I’d like to do the pie thing#maybe leave it until I’m more together so I’m not worried abt Extra things. I think temporary goal is to minimise the number of things#I really want to cry and just have it out but I’m teetering on the like. wanting to cry feeling instead of pushing over#this is a jump but I’m so tired of prioritising everyone else’s feelings#I realised tonight when I’m playing I’m always holding myself back a little to let other people do shit#and it’s not even like I’m holding back bc I’m good. I’m just letting other people do stuff bc I think they deserve it more#and when we had Shit happen I took on talking everyone down and making sure they were all okay#and then that whole weekend after I was completely fucked I couldn’t Do Anything#even with ms main character I’ve been stroking her ego do she doesn’t blow up completely and fuck stuff up for Everyone#maybe. just maybe my feelings are also important and I’m allowed to have shit not be my problem like everyone else#I think I’m going to bed it’s 2:40#I’m gonna try prioritise myself just a little tiny bit more#luke.txt
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im generally pretty happy but every few months everything will built up and ill spend up to 3 days being incredibly miserable and wanting to die then itll be fine agian
#the constant cycle#im just gonna yap about all the factors leading to this specific crashout cus its not like anyone is reading it#in the past few weeks ive been very busy and its been super tiring and ive barely had enough time to do things i enjoy#and i feel like ive just been falling behind on everything#yesterday and today were definitely my tipping point#i joined this reheasals thing which i dont really enjoy#yesterday i had to do that and it was very stressful because i had to talk to people i didnt know#and also yesterday i found out that my bestie is moving to a different maths set to me so im going to have to do maths by myself#also i may or may not have a break detention which i am terrified of authority and very much a goody two shoes so this is bad#as well as that today i had to text the person running the aforementioned club about the fact that i want to leave which was very stressful#and tehres this one girl dont get me wrong shes nice but shes very clingy and keeps appearing in parts of my life that i dont want her in#and i felt too tired to go to my piano or drama club today and i feel really bad about that#the final tipping thing was my friend being really annoying and unserious when i was trying to ask him an actual question#and i just started crying#and now i feel like shit and my room doesnt even feel cozy#and its summer so its gonna be light for a few more hours and i kinda have reverse SAD where the sun just makes me miserable#i hate everything
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ruining everything by being overly careful which then leads to mistakes or misunderstandings
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Random psa to regularly save your games especially if they dont have an autosave feature
#hours of work#just gone#mood ruined ngl#ive been doomscrolling ang trying to find something to do that distracts me from wanting to cry#picked up my lil embroidery kit but idek where to start so not doing that#minecraft just isnt the vibe today either#and every time i start to look at my contacts to maybe call someone to chat about happy stuff i struggle not to cry#i know its just a game but damn#ive had this game for well over a decade (and sucked ass at it)#and i finally#FINALLY#started really getting the hang of it#i honestly was starting to think i could beat the thing in one sitting (a long sitting but thats besides the point)#but i lost and the game doesnt have autosave#its an old ps2 game#so when i loaded the file i was back basically at the beginning#doesnt help that my truck refuses to stay relatively cool rn#so im uncomfortably warm *and* sad#also i got taken off a pretty solid load bc shit broke so now im waiting on it to get fixed#man im tired#vent post#might delete later idk#if anyone actually reads this far i could use a suggestion or smth#like art or some arbitrary goal for a lil serotonin#i could go on but id probably upset myself more and i dont feel like airing all my problems to the void today
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i know ive reblogged this before, but sneegs thing being lancer and suzie being sneeg is making me feel things
the fun gang's lookin a bit different than i remember...
#sorry#ive been up for over 24 hours at this point#and i got to work at 3 am#its currently 2.30 pm and i just got home#so i am very tired and gonna start crying#idek if this is at all comprehensible to anyone but me#i just think suzie being happy to be crossed over with a guy whos icon/brand/cubito is the first friend she made in this adventure#cubito is the little minecraft guy for anyone who doesnt know#genloss#deltarune#rgb trio
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hi yes im home ( i have been for a while now ) ive just been trying to relax a lil & focus my mind on things that are easing my stress mostly-- but as of rn im kinda stuck in my negative hesdspace so i just wanted to make this lil post saying thank you to all of you for sticking around & just for generally dealing with me . also thank you to those who have been checking up on me these past few days . im trying to do my best to be okay & be around , its just not been very easy lately . ♡
#[ idk this is rambly but ive been sitting here the oast half hour just feeling irritated & upset . . . ]#[ just wanting to cry with no idea WHY im just so . . . idek how to describe my feelings at this point . ]#ೃ❀࿔ ₊ i. 𝒐𝒐𝒄 ⤻ abi speaks ꒱#ೃ❀࿔ ₊ i. 𝒐𝒐𝒄 ⤻ mobile post ꒱
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Trying my hardest to not worry about the pain I have that has spread from one knee to the hip above, to below my hip and below my knee and above my knee and to my toes, and to my other hip and other knee qnd down my other leg. Like, I'm trying SO HARD to not panic. Kinda failing sometimes, but I'm trying!!
#statistically it isnt something extremely dangerous like cancer or multiple sclerosis#its probably some rheumatoid condition thatll reduce with the right medications#but i had virtually none kf this pain 2 months ago. most of it had started over thr last 10 days#at what point do i go to a hospital? already went to urgent care and left with a couple referrals and some pain meds and thats it#like its rapidly spreading and im able to track the spread#ive been lying down for 1 hour with bad pain and all i can do is twitch and wince and cry and readjust a little.#feels like someones stabbing my bones and squeezing my muscles#and all i can do is lie down nauseous and distracted#trying not to worry#does this sound like a specific condition to anyone? i have ideas but i want peer reviews
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