#at this point i use this blog to shout into the void

[e-n-t-r-o-p-i-c-f-r-o-g]

I'm all up in my FEELS 😭😭 If you're a fan of prog rock and you haven't heard this, I bet you'll go nuts. Also the vocals...and the crescendo toward the end...it tickles my brain in the best way. It's so unique.

[bubblegumpumpkin]

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[floweryfandomnerd]

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[cescalr]

I LOVE HOW YOU TAG PARAGRAPHS THEYRE FUN TO READ!! /gen

Thank you!!! I love to ramble!!!

[daytaker]

The Gang's Tumblr Pages

Inspired by this and my own reaction to it.

Lucifer

Perfectly curated, perfectly formatted, and whenever there's a major change to the tumblr format, he simply leaves the website altogether in a huff of peacock feathers.

Lots of HD photography of nature getting reblogged.

Has an extremely complicated and specific list of tags he uses for every single post.

He only reblogs text posts that are sufficiently visually appealing. Very few meet his high standards.

You could look through his entire blog and not learn one single thing about him except that he's a perfectionist to the point of neurosis.

He has a lot of professional art blogs following him.

Mammon

Oversharing oversharing oversharing!!!!

He regularly gets himself in trouble by shouting about the shit he's done into the void of the internet.

Tried to have a tagging system but forgets about 7/10 times.

Reblogs himself all the time to say "AND ANOTHER THING!!!"

He hates looking at the actual blog pages. The text is always so tiny and some of them start playing music and changing his mouse into a weird shape? No thank you.

He has very few followers and he doesn't really care. Who goes on tumblr for the social element? Weirdos, that's who.

He's insanely easy to troll with anonymous asks. Everyone has done it. Even Lucifer, though he wouldn't admit it.

Some of his best asks:

"did u just post that you're okay with the idea of ponies and unicorns breeding. like no shade on that conceptually but why."

"If you reblog another 'reblog this for good luck' post, I will personally break down your door and steal your skin."

"ur ugly" "yeah-huh" "ugly" "no i won't 'come off anon and fight u' whhy don't you come ON anon and fight me?" "'i don't know how' sounds like something a chicken would say"

Leviathan

He just makes a blog like one of us. Fandom stuff.

Except he's multifandom to the extreme. It's impossible to keep track of his interests because he always has so many simultaneously.

He has the most followers of the brothers just because he gets so deep into so many fandoms that they come rolling in.

He has blocked all of his brothers except for the twins. They're okay.

His blog is a chaotic mess but there is order within the madness. He has a masterpost of tags that explains everything if you care to look at it. (I don't recommend it.)

Satan

It feels stupid to even put this in writing but...cat pics. Endless cat pics. That's like 90% of his blog.

The other 10% is a mixture of book recommendations and analysis, Lucifer shade, and a comprehensive, ever-expanding list of shit Lucifer has done to make Satan angry. It's a very long list. It's organized by theme.

"Lucifer inflicts unjust punishments." "Lucifer makes unnecessary snide remarks." "Lucifer simping for Diavolo and MC (pathetic)."

His blog itself is very minimalist and clean.

He's another fastidious tagger. He tags the cat pics by color, breed, age, number of cats, setting...

Asmodeus

He's not very into tumblr. It's like Devilgram but more complicated and less popular.

Sometimes he'll post or reblog 'aesthetic' things. Moodboards and the like.

In general though, he doesn't really 'get' tumblr.

People don't post selfies very often. Weird.

Beelzebub

Food blog.

Just food.

Reblogging hot dogs.

Reblogging nachos.

Reblogging ice cream.

Nothing else. Ever.

Belphegor

"This minimalist Tumblr has no posts."

No posts.

Default profile picture.

Sometimes he'll like something.

Usually he just looks at it.

Diavolo

There is no order. Only chaos.

He hardly ever uses it, then he'll come online and reblog a million things that have nothing to do with each other. Then he'll go silent again.

He has no tagging system.

He has no custom theme.

He is very friendly to all anonymous askers though.

Barbatos

Barbatos would never have a tumblr. Don't be ridiculous.

Solomon

He only posts very rarely. He prefers to lurk.

When he does post, it's something weird as fuck, like reblogging statistics about owl pellet contents.

He likes to keep people on their toes.

Simeon

Reblogging inspirational quotes, pictures of nature, and general positivity.

That is, once he figures out how the website works.

That takes a really long time.

What is a queue? What are tags? Why is it called a "reblog"? How does he track activity? How does he navigate the homepage? Why does it post things in such a strange order? What is a "Blaze"? What is a draft? Custom URL? Custom Theme? Sideblogs? Mass Post Editor?

Someone please help him.

Solomon probably does that.

Luke

Baking.

He uses tumblr for recipes and images of baked goods.

But tumblr isn't even the best place to go for that, so he isn't on very often.

He sometimes likes Simeon's posts, just as a show of support since he knows how hard Simeon works to post anything anywhere.

[churromancermasterofchurros]

I think that the switch from reddit to tumblr is particularly difficult for me so far, and i know it's just been a few days, but i wonder if other people are having these issues as well, so i thought it might be a decent idea to write out my thoughts here.

-first off, i was a lurker almost exclusively on reddit. Much more introverted, and i only spoke about things i knew or if i knew id get karma for it (being a person with RSD, i kind of hated downvotes, regardless if they were just "useless internet points" or not).

-tumblr requires you to be more interactive and speak out more with its etiquette, by reblogging and so forth (ive read in a few places that comments sections werent used much before the refugees invaded tumblr, which i think seems like a cool positive)

-while there arent any downvotes, i still feel anxious to talk/put myself out there. Am i reblogging right? Are my tags funny? Is my blog a big uninteresting mess?

This isnt a problem with the site itself, but with me obviously. But we are talking about my difficulty here, so it still needs to be said.

-the communities arent built in here like they were with reddit, so you sort of have to find it, and the regular posters who have the kind of quality content you want. This is pretty cool, but vastly different from reddit and im having a tough time getting used to it.

-there's definitely a few people i missed from the reddit communities i was in, and i wish i knew if they were here or not. (Talking about you, u/nepalman230)

All this being said, holy hell, its wild. Im putting my thoughts out here right now, and while it does feel....uncomfy, i think its more because im not used to it. It feels more like shouting out to the void. Maybe itll talk back. Who knows?

But i think this site is very neat, and i love love LOVE how much more inclusive tumblr is. Im straight and a cis male, but there were a lot of toxic communities that would just not let people be who they say they are, and im so glad that all my LGBTQ+ friends have a more inclusive place like this, and that so many have migrated over here. I wish i wouldve come here sooner.

Im also very grateful to all you veteran tumblr users putting in the effort to help us out. Youve put so much out here for us, to help us better understand how to navigate these new waters, and honestly? I'd have been really screwed without the help ive received, because tumblr is really kinda chaotic.

Its good to be here, and i'm hoping i can get over all my dysfunctions and really enjoy this space you've shared with us.

[youmakethelight]

I actually might delete this blog tbh. Not that anyone asked.

I made this side blog 2 months ago bc I loved season 10 of TWD so much that I got really invested in rewatching the whole series for Carol and Daryl, and I wanted to write my thoughts somewhere instead of continuing to annoy my friends who never watched the show. But all my thoughts then were really positive and fun and brought me joy. And now, ever since I've seen the reality of the turn things took in real life, it's just so depressing.

The way Carol and Melissa McBride are treated makes me feel truly fucking horrible. And I've tried to channel that into activism and using my voice in solidarity, but I'm finding it more and more depressing honestly. Most of the voices that made me feel stronger have disappeared, and I'm starting to feel hopeless. And that's especially when I realise how much shit already went on in the past few years before I was here.

It's been a whirlwind few months for me bc I stopped watching TWD years ago and just caught up and binge watched from season 9. After I finished, I found out about everything the fandom, Melissa, and Angela Kang went through regarding the spin-off. Knowing that even after that, we got Melissa back, gave me hope. But seeing how much AMC has ignored other issues and fans' voices makes me feel disheartened. It feels a bit like I'm exerting emotional energy only to be shouting into a void.

It feels wrong to try to move on and leave because the issues remain, and Melissa McBride, in particular, needs and deserves support. But I honestly don't know what I'm doing here anymore.

A week or so ago, I signed up to a website to write fan reactions, reviews etc. about tboc because I thought that could have some positive impact. So, maybe I'll do that... but to be honest, I don't think I've got it in me anymore. I guess I just feel like I'm doing significantly more emotional labour than will have positive impact.

Even when I try to consume feminist progressive media instead, I just keep being reminded of how shit it is that AMC can't do the same for Melissa and her fans, and anybody who works on or watches the show who isn't a straight cis white man. So, then I get upset by a thought I have and go on here or twitter to try to do something positive about it, but it feels sort of pointless. So, now I'm at a point where this blog doesn't bring me joy, and I don't feel like it helps anyone, so I just don't think it's worth it anymore?

I'm literally so bad at giving up on things, so there's a decent chance I won't leave. But to be honest, I want to. I'm tired.

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

And like I totally understand that a lot of people are already shy and awkward and they feel shy commenting in fics - which you shouldn't, by the way. Fanfic authors are dorks just like you are and we just want someone to get excited about our fics with. We are awkward just like you are

But the point I wanna stress is: it's so easy to comment on fics without being rude.

The literal perfect formula for a fanfic comment - aside from the basic "second kudos!" "Omg I loved this!" "I love the way you write x character!". The perfect way to write a basic non-rude comment:

Highlight a line from the fic that you enjoyed. It doesn't even have to be a paragraph or multiple lines through the whole fic, just a single line.

Copy and paste that line into the comments.

Tell the author that line stood out to you - "this line really stood out to me" "I love the way you wrote this" "I love how this line shows x"

It is extremely thoughtful, shows you enjoyed the fic, and it is guaranteed to make the author's day and stand out in their mind forever. And if that line is smutty or angsty or whatever - they are likely to put more of that in future fics.

You don't have to bring unnecessary rudeness to the comments.

Don't ask for more. Asking for a sequel or a 'Part 2' or saying that you 'need more' - even if it's in a joking way, makes it seem like you think that you're entitled to the author's time.

Fanfic writers use their free time to write fics and they post all of their writing for free - so consuming 100% free art and then asking for more comes off as very rude and entitled, even if you don't mean for it to. As a general rule, don't mention wanting the author to write more after you have just read a fic that they have worked very hard on. Stick to commenting on the material at hand.

And yes, I know you mean it as a compliment - like "oh, this is amazing, and I loved it. I loved it so much that I could read 1,000 chapters of it. I love it so much that I wish it would never end. I want more."

But you can always go back and reread fics. Authors will always take it as a higher compliment if you tell them that their fic has rereading potential, rather than if you ask them to put in more work and write more of it.

Secondly - it may have taken you an hour to read a 10k fic, but it may have taken the author months to write it. So imagine getting a message from someone asking you to spend months longer to write a sequel, knowing that they will read that sequel in minutes and then likely ask for more again.

Authors struggle a lot behind the scenes, and rude, entitled comments are very demotivating and are very counterproductive toward making more fics. Which is what we all want in the end - more fanfiction so we can appreciate our favourite characters.

Also, please don't bring 'moral'/religious guilt and backhanded compliments to the comments of fics with taboo content. Saying something like "this fic was so horrible but I loved it" is not a compliment, it's just rude. Saying "I'm going to hell for reading this" is just plain rude.

If you can't understand that the author holds a certain maturity in writing and posting those topics and you need to maintain that maturity in the comments, then don't read those topics at all thank you.

Basically - don't comment on things like it's your personal diary. If you want to do that, make a private blog post or a google doc that nobody will ever see. You have to understand that you are talking to a person when you comment on a fic and that the author is going to read your comments and have emotions when they process your words. You aren't just shouting into a void that randomly spawns fanfiction when you comment on fics.

TLDR - Be polite and respectful in fanfiction comments, for fuck's sake.

[thehobbitwithstickyuppyhair]

I am once again shouting into the void to see if anyone knows if what I'm talking about exists xD

So back in my Nancy Drew/Clue Crew days, I thought I remembered there being a blog here on tumblr that was dedicated to screenshots from all of the games. I was trying to find some screenshots for a reference for something and thus remembered the blog, but to my dismay I cannot find it. It also looks like my old blog I used for most of my reblogging of ND related things was nuked at somepoint, presumbably for being inactive. Cries.

So yeah if anyone knows what I'm talking about and if it still exists, I would love it if you could point me in the right direction xD otherwise I guess I am doomed to the same five screenshots on pinterest and random old gaming sites.

[shirzan140102]

Going Inactive

Considering that everyone has all but forgotten the situation in Iran and that attempts to talk about it are pretty fruitless, I've decided to officially go inactive on this blog. At this point, it's pretty much a waste of time, since it's like shouting into the void; you scream and scream, hoping that someone will hear you, but all that you're left with is damaged vocal cords and an exhausted body. I'll leave my blog up, so that if anyone who might be interested somehow comes across it and wants to see what I have to say, they'll still have at least some idea about what we're STILL going through.

I'll just leave with these parting words: Tumblr, I'm EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED in your selective activism and hypocrisy. I get that certain causes may resonate more with some than others, that you can support multiple causes at once, and that compassion fatigue is a thing. I get all that. I'm not saying that all attention has to be on Iran all the time; that'd be extremely selfish and impractical. But some genuine interest and reliable allies who would help amplify our voices would've been a massive help. But, alas, we're in this fight all alone; we were just a flavor of the month used for "good people points" and "stylish activism," nothing more.

If I can leave a parting thought or two: I just hope people do some serious self-reflection and ponder why such double standards in activism exist. (And don't give me the excuse that it's the lack of media coverage, when Iranians are doing whatever we can to continue raising awareness. In fact, the lack of proper allyship is a major contributor to the biased and/or nonexistent media coverage about us.) And honestly, do you really think you can call yourselves feminists, for instance, when you completely forget what some women in the world are going through or when you want to silence them because it goes against your own worldview or interests?

Sorry if this post seems angry and bitter, but I'm just tired seeing how we've been going through a lot alone.

I pray for the day that Iran and Afghanistan are free.

[sparklingrayn]

Thinking about diagnosis and such

Symptoms exist before a diagnosis, that is a fact.

Diagnosis is a bunch of symptoms strongly tied with each other? Its a way to put a lable on whats happening and how to treat it effectively.

Symptoms overlap and repeat across the criteria, it gets confusing...

Some people can't afford or too afraid to have some random person pick apart their way of being to be given a diagnosis.

Or some people believe they simply dont need a diagnosis.

I feel like i haven't suffered enough to get looked at. I'm....functional enough.

Point im getting at is tho, I found it helpful going into various mental health spaces online, finding out how other people cope and live their life and applied it to myself.

Finding vent blogs and just giving myself an understanding and perspective on things.

I wish i can give advice to everyone but I feel like my words will be empty.

We as humans have different needs unique to us. Problems and complexities that are many.

Patterns are easy to get swept up into and compare to yourself, invalidating your unique experience.

If it lessens your suffering, its okay to apply skills found by others even if you don't have the same diagnosis. If you feel better at the end of the day do what you need to do.

Not everyone fits in a cookie cutter model.

Mental health should be inclusive to everyone, no matter the lable or whatever. I hate seeing so much divide and stigmatism against certain disorders and people.

Im just one girl shouting out in the void. All i can do is be kind to everyone i meet and hope that small kindness makes and impact in their day

[talesofanaudhdnothing]

Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD 

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed). 

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

[cyanogen-miasma]

man. I fantasize about putting out actual interesting pieces of art about my ocs on a semi-regular basis to the point where people ask me stuff about my ocs sometimes....oh to be a 25 note oc blogger...the problem is I work super slow and get caught up in organisation projects and...animations...

I want to do silly little sketches of the characters, to really express them to the world, and my affection for them, but I can't seem to do anything spontaneous. I've got to have the whole thing planned out, which is fun but while I'm just posting, for example, reference sheets and key art, I'm basically just shouting into the void because nobody cares. If I could I would be shouting to Scratch about my Tumblr account all the live-long day, but of course that would be a very irresponsible use of my platform there as an adult, as little as the platform is. I love when I get to explain oc things to the scratch kids, but, you know, I'd like to be able to explain things through a mature lens, and be able to say 'fuck' once in a while, as a treat

I should get into writing again...I do a lot of 'explaining things' writing which is fun and all but I think it'd be fun to write actual scenes for once. See, comics would be nice, but I couldn't make them one page, there would have to be a whole conversation, at which point it's too much and I lose interest. It's why my clangen blog failed lol. Sorry Plumekit lmao

Anyway this is an open invitation to ask about my ocs. I am in fact, begging. On my knees. Seriously. And if you do that, I will be eternally grateful. And I will talk about them. A lot. I can ramble. Especially since the ones I've introduced to Tumblr are the ones I think about the most (I have hundreds of them sitting in the Toyhou.se lol. They are vitally important to the ecosystem).

[a-pale-azure-moon]

This isn't a politics blog, nor will it become one. This is my space for obsessing about my blorbos, sharing memes and fanworks, and occasionally talking a little about myself. As an introvert with way too much social anxiety, I'm often reluctant to do much of the latter, but I have some things I wish to shout into the void for my own sake if nothing else.

The shock of Tuesday has worn off and I'm currently bouncing between four primary emotions that shift minute by minute: rage, despair, fear, and numbness. I feel like I have knots everywhere inside my body, my appetite is shot, and I keep unconsciously clenching my jaw until I notice my teeth and head are starting to hurt. I did not sleep at all Tuesday night and have slept very little since. I told my mother that the last time I felt this way, the last time my emotions were so overwhelming that that they were manifesting in physical ways, was when my father was sick (and as it turned out, dying) in the hospital. It's the pain of knowing something terrible is happening and there's nothing I can do to change the outcome.

I am enraged by a world that says myself, my mother, my sister and my nieces are uteri before we are people. Our health, safety, happiness and autonomy don't matter. I'm one of those childless cat ladies that has no societal value. My mother apparently doesn't either because she's elderly, and my sister won't once her children are grown. My nieces are just now entering adulthood and I am so frightened for them, especially my younger niece since she's also gay. And I'm frightened for my nephew too. He's 12, so over the next four years, he will begin growing into a man. He's fortunate to have a positive male role model in his father, but is that enough of a bulwark against a rising tide of violent misogyny? He's big into Minecraft modding, so he's online a lot, and oh boy am I aware of how hostile gamer spaces are to women.

The finger pointing has already started on the political left, which gives me additional worry that the wrong 'lessons' will be learned. Kamala Harris was catapulted into an incredibly difficult position and did everything she reasonably could. This is not on her. Whether she ran too far to the left or right or too much to the center, whether she didn't talk enough about issue X, Y, or Z or court more people from this or that demographic...none of that would've changed this outcome. It's clear to me that the institutional and societal problems with the American people go much deeper than what is reflected in a single election. She would've been a great president; I feel like her story is emblematic of the best aspects of America, and America in its current form doesn't deserve her when it would rather pick the physical manifestation of all the worst aspects of America as its leader.

Make no mistake, the real winners of this election are Vladimir Putin, Benjamin Netanyahu, Elon Musk and Peter Thiel. They are going to continue to enrich themselves and exploit the most vulnerable among us, and they will continue to foment violence and drive existing cultural schisms even deeper. People around the world are going to suffer. My heart aches for Ukraine and Gaza (and Sudan). I'm so sorry.

So yeah, things are bad and they are pretty much assured to get worse. That's a terrible thing to know and a terrible thing to feel so acutely, and I have no answers about how to make it better (or less bad). I wish I did. However, at my core I am an idealist, and I truly believe most people are kind and good, and just because things are bad now does not mean they will be bad forever. (Do not conflate idealism with naivety, because they are not the same thing.) Cynicism and hopelessness are the tools of tyranny. But contrary to what Emily Dickinson wrote, hope is not a thing with feathers. Hope is a warrior. It is scarred and bruised, bloody and wounded. It clutches a bent sword in one hand as it drags itself across the scorched wasteland of the battlefield with the other. It never stops fighting, never stops clawing its way forward, because it can see the tiny sprouts pushing up through the soil and the verdant trees standing tall in the distance.

I take comfort in knowing that there are millions of people not just in America but the world over who share in my feelings. I am not alone. We are not alone. You are not alone. Cherish what you love in this world, hold onto it, and search for small joys where you can find them. I'm almost finished with Echoes of Wisdom and my copy of Mario & Luigi: Brothership arrived yesterday. I'm planning to make fajitas for dinner tonight. My senior cat had a healthy checkup at the vet this week. It's cold out today but the sun is shining. Living your life is its own quiet act of resistance, so keep living it one day at a time.

[n0ts0phism]

I'm gonna go ahead and copy the post's text here, just so my story doesn't have to be completely offloaded to another website. You can read it after the break.

An apology is in order. My work on this blog slowed to a crawl recently. I couldn’t muster up the energy to commit to writing routinely. It’s not that I didn’t want to, don’t get me wrong; I still have lots I want to say. My resistance to posting anything right away is because I don’t want to talk about exclusively negative topics.

But there’s one inescapable fact that has influenced my decision-making throughout Summer and Fall:

The job hunt where I live is demoralizing, yet despite that, I’ve been hyper-focused on it.

My mind is at odds with itself. If I’m investing too much time in a job hunt, it begs for me to stop. But it simultaneously urges me to keep going—because it feels like it doesn’t deserve to stop fretting about my employment prospects until I’ve applied to something. There have been multiple times when I’ve applied to a position that I knew I’d dislike or be a poor fit for. Whether it be due to my lack of experience, the complications of my disabilities, or having to account for my demented father when it comes to commuting—or doing anything outside of the house, for that matter—my job choices are limited. I’m trapped, others like me are just as trapped, and society only pretends to care about us.

I do at least have some advocates helping me through the job search and disability advocacy. And thanks to my father’s SSDI, meager as it is, I’m more financially stable than I would be living alone. But unfortunately, that job-hunting-first mindset has only recently decided to budge. So much time was lost on anxiety over employment, time that could’ve been spent on personal development in my hobbies. Or, more relevantly, that time could’ve been spent updating this blog, screaming into the void, and hoping someone would shout back.

There’s more to my outlook on this period of my life than the job hunt itself. While I’ve held down paid positions before, they collectively only lasted a little under a year. Both were retail associate roles, and both ended with me exiting on bad terms with my employers. For privacy reasons, I won’t give out the company names, but I don’t care if my former workmates find this. The writing from this point will be fairly rough and ramble-filled.

JOB #1

I was quite excited to start out working for this company. The staff seemed welcoming enough, to the extent that they wanted to get down to business and not fool around. It was all for the better, too; this was an office supply retailer that hired me just in time for the back-to-school season, and customers would be flooding in to prep their kids for the year ahead. It was nice growing accustomed to how things worked in this place; the training modules were decently thorough.

… But things started going downhill the second an abusive coworker made her opinion of me known on the same day. Going forward, I’ll refer to her as Kay. When we met, she not only didn’t greet me, but the very first thing out of her mouth when she decided to talk to me was “Do you not have work to do?”

I was on my lunch break. Because how dare I stop to take care of myself when my diabetes requires somewhat strict mealtimes?

Since then, Kay remained openly hostile and condescending towards me, rudely ordering me to get out of her way and dressing me down for even the slightest mistakes. Mind you, she was a fellow sales associate with no official power over me. It’d still be unforgivable if she were a manager, but her humbler role just makes her treatment of me worse.

Even so, Kay did have some seniority over me. She’d done good logistical work for the store over the years, and she was in the good graces of nearly every manager. At the very least, I wasn’t the only one who recognized how problematic this person was. But the store manager was too spineless—or rather, too willing to turn a blind eye—to discipline Kay whenever our coworkers voiced their concerns.

After the back-to-school season ended, business dropped off a cliff. There would be extremely long periods of nothing to do for me between customers, often as long as thirty minutes to an hour—which was frequently 25% of my shift for the day. The training modules did not prepare me for unstructured time, so, unless I was given furniture or a display to assemble… I spent a lot of the latter half of my six months in this store standing around and watching for oncoming customers.

Don’t get me wrong. I certainly tried to do more with my time, but I got conflicting information from my managers. Some of them wanted me to man the registers constantly and let other people complete other tasks, while others wanted me to venture out and do something other than wait, even if that meant leaving the registers unattended.

While this was happening, I’d stuck up for myself against Kay’s verbal abuse a handful of times. The first time, I politely but firmly told her to stop treating me like an idiot, after she began dressing me down for confusing one customer’s order for another. She backed off after that; I could tell she wasn’t used to retaliation in this setting.

Kay’s shock continued when, after once again ordering me to get out of her way, I snapped back at her—within reason--to cut it out. I seemed to be disappointing everyone at that point, between the managers and their poorly expressed and unfulfilled expectations, and now, this power-tripping bully once again displacing her frustrations with life on me. I had enough.

Of course, when word got around about what happened, I was reprimanded for my response. Never mind the fact that the head manager, Jay, said to my face that she knew this coworker was abusive due to past incidents, but did nothing to address it. From that point forward, all the managers grew increasingly passive-aggressive with me, especially one who also began displacing her frustrations about unruly customers onto me. I assume they and the others took Kay’s side because it’s easier to blame the new guy with the disability.

This isn’t just me playing a victim card here, or assuming the worst out of frustrated retail workers. I know definitively that they hated dealing with me and my diabetes. The nicest coworker I met there, Pim, was a retired nurse, and she relayed to me that Kay once vented to her about me and my diabetes. Considering everything else I’d heard about Kay by this point, I was deeply inclined to believe Pim, and still am; she had no reason to lie about this, and it lined up with Kay’s contempt for me too well. The managers were likely eating up every bad thing she was saying about me, like a pack of starved wolves.

There had even been times when my head manager snarkily asked about why I was taking my lunch break so early, despite the fact I had established my diabetes-related strict eating habits as early as the first week of the job. In fact, in times when I was manning the registers with nothing else to do, that manager asked me—and specifically me, no one else; I checked—to stand by the entrance and greet people. Another manager was confused about what I was doing one day, and when I explained, he seemed to have more questions than answers…

As you can imagine, midway through my final month in this job, I worked hard to find a new job and get the hell out of there. I managed to cut down my two-week notice to one week after finding something, and I left without saying goodbye to anyone except Pim—the one coworker who gave a crap about me and my struggles.

All this time, I felt I was losing my passion for illustration again. But as the first day of the new job and the last one of this current role both drew near, I started to realize my confidence was being pushed down by people who were bankrupt in good character. The best I had managed to do on the side were doodles of trees… So it was rather appropriate, then, that I managed to digitally paint on as my first finished piece done in the Krita program.

The victory was fairly short-lived, however, as complications with the second job began to arise shortly after its completion. But I still appreciate what it stands for: my growth in opposition to a world that wants me to kneel.

JOB #2

My second job was another retail position just down the street, this time specializing in home décor and gifts. It started as a temporary job for the holiday season, and I took to it like a fish to water. Business was constant, the register system was identical to the one in the first job. Sure, it was the exact work as before, but I liked it enough to transform it into a year-round position. The whole reason I did was because my coworkers seemed a lot more understanding about what I was going through.

Emphasis on “seemed,” at least when it came to the head manager.

Mills was a gossipy sort. Even during the interview, she asked me to elucidate on my negative experiences in the first job, and I, desperate to escape and find solidarity with someone, opened myself up all too willingly.  She was probably genuinely concerned at the time, but it’s also a product of her two-facedness. Based on her regard for her customers, this was someone all too willing to viciously deride someone behind their backs while putting on an insincere smile whenever they were in the vicinity.

She even expressed how prideful she was in the gossipy culture she cultivated for the store, something that was maintained by the encouragement for managers and fellow associates alike to text each other. I ended up being too open about myself, simply because Mills and some of the others were overly open about themselves. This set a bad precedent for me even long after this job ended. It probably had something to do with my autism, but I assumed this sort of honesty about job troubles would fly in every interview. Thankfully, I caught on to how wrong that was after only one.

A few months into the job, Mills requested I stop pulling out my insulin pump when attending the registers. From what I remember, she feared corporate would assume I was pulling out my phone in plain view of the customers. I complied, simply because I assumed she had my best interests in mind…. But knowing what I do know, this was probably the biggest red flag of the two before the actual fallout. Intended or not, this was flat-out discrimination. If I need to deliver insulin through my pump, it is infinitely more practical to deliver it on the spot.

I shouldn’t have to cater to a corporation’s inability to tell the difference when I’m only trying to take care of myself. Besides, if my blood sugar is out of range, that can often leave my motor skills impacted. Having to retreat to the back of the store to administer treatment in private meant I’d be liable to trip on something. This wasn’t a corporation that knew how to apply basic logic; they just wanted to protect their fragile sensibilities by refusing to acknowledge a person’s diabetes—which would be manageable if I was given the grace to do so.

Unfortunately, I was not given that grace. In March of this year, I had three blood sugar episodes across a time span of two weeks.

The first one was a persistent case of hyperglycemia—high blood sugar—caused by two failed infusion sets. Eventually, I requested I go home; the issue hadn’t been corrected by the time I arrived at work, and I’d spent an hour and a half sitting in agony in the break room as I struggled to recover. This was entirely fair, but it colored my coworkers’ outlook on me going forward, especially in the subsequent incidents.

The last two were cases of hypoglycemia—low blood sugar. This time, Mills pressured me into returning home because of a perceived attitude problem. I was visibly tired and sad because I was running out of energy, but I didn’t figure that out until after she made her decision. I didn’t feel like I was able to argue, so I once again complied.

The final incident saw me catch the low blood sugar this time… which meant having to take a second break to eat more food to make things right. Though she tried her best to hide it, Mills remained visibly and audibly incensed about this, questioning why I can’t just eat like everyone else, callously suggesting I upend my mealtime routine so I can make do with only one meal break alone. I tried explaining that it wasn’t feasible without serious consequences to my health, and while she seemed to accept my explanation, she seemed to remain unsatisfied.

I was correct. By the time I got home, my blood sugar was back in range, so I decided to apologize for what happened to Mills over text. The following is the paraphrased conversation:

Me: I'm sorry about the additional break I took tonight. Sadly, no matter how good my control is with my blood sugar, I'm going to end up burning through whatever food I’ve eaten, as doing work like that uses up a lot of energy. I was on my phone back there looking at potential food that could help with this. I'm going to try some of it out next time I have a longer shift like this. Mills: As I stated, it's my job to make sure that we comply with each other. You communicated to me clearly what you needed, and I, in turn, communicated the company’s break policy. It’s not more complicated than that. I need to communicate company policy. I do have worries. I might need to see if you may need some accommodation. Let's see where it goes from here. You might just not be able to do the job, and I'm waiting to see if we can work out some things. You must be able to hold your own... and I'm just not seeing it at this stage. We’ll discuss this when I’m next available.

It was probably a mistake speaking about this blood sugar issue in absolutes, but it’s true. When I’m low, I need food to keep it higher. And as for the response I got, I feel there’s an attempt to stay professional and understanding, but some of that frustration bled through, clear as day. And it’s even more insulting to read now after approaching M about this issue in person. She acted like the conversation didn’t even happen until I elaborated. It’s like dressing me down over text was the most unremarkable part of her day.

She had a litany of issues with me that went entirely unexpressed until that afternoon. I don’t want to toot my own horn and say I was a saint, as a handful of them were legitimate complaints. No one’s perfect, and there’s always room to improve. The only reason I know the rest were discriminatory was because I also asked for them in writing. Establishing a paper trail is useful in situations like these… And sure enough, most of the complaints traced back to my diabetes, just worded in such a way to avoid implicating it as the issue. And when I asked Mills about whether the diabetes was to blame, she instead fingered my autism.

No one aside from Mills was passive-aggressive with me during my last days in the store, but I no longer felt welcome. And by early April, I exited and didn’t look back for a second… And that unfortunately brings me to where I am today.

I’ve struggled to find a job ever since. Life with my father has grown harder, as his mental health has seen some sharp declines. I feel demoralized, resentful, and more than frustrated. It’s not all been doom and gloom, however. I managed to get an official diagnosis of my autism, and I’ve built quite a rapport with some friends of mine, both my one in-person friend and his family and a few online ones through Discord.

And, well… Like my grief with Tiger, I did manage to complete one art piece to embody how horrible those ten months were. The bullying, the rejection, and the anxiety of not being able to push forward…. It put me right back where I was in 2022, facing an imaginary monster in an epic fight to the death, a monster that restricted and taunted me for feeling I wasn’t good enough. A monster I tried drawing again right after the tree painting in 2023, but I couldn’t finish this other piece in time for the new year.

But, shortly before my 26th birthday, I found it in me to not only complete the piece but take some significant risks in doing so. I may be struggling now, but I can rest easy with this victory:

But for now…. I must keep going.

[a-s-levynn]

I hope you heal fast🫂❤️‍🩹

Thank you! 🫶🏻 It's a fairly fast healing thing thankfully.

Also allow me use this ask to say: I truly deeply appreciate y'all wishing me well a bunch, you have no idea. But guys please don't pay too much mind to it, when i have time to complain about stuff it's usually not serious. I just like to shout into the void and use the blog aspect of tumblr as a de facto blog occasionally.

Also.. it's almost routine at this point, i broke toes several times before (either by kicking doorframes or having replica cannons dropped on it accidentally or other similarly lame ways🤷‍♂️) it's not a serious thing really.

But if i have the opportunity here, fun fact for anyone who hasn't broke any toes before: all you can do is tape it to an other toe (preferably an unbroken one) and that keeps it aligned during healing.