#at one point i think i tried to set up the like 'tumblr tipping' thing but idk if that worked or not lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

coff33andb00ks · 3 months

Text

Rule Breaker - Pt 2

max verstappen x single mom!reader

{prev} {next}

warnings: cursing, reader y/nsplains, jos is an asshole, fluff, barely proofread, logan tries to flirt, y/n's bestie is a tumblr girlie at heart, kiddo steals the show Summary: Max has it all...right? Besides, he's too busy collecting trophies and completing side quests for anything else. Until... You moved across a whole ass ocean to start over, uprooting you and your son's lives to become social media admin for cars that drive in circles. word count: 6833 auth.note: thank you all so much for the love for part 1!!! ily all and i'm having so much fun writing this

The paddock was relatively quiet so early in the morning. Unable to sleep, y/n had left the hotel and made her way to the track. She was taking the opportunity to explore the settings on the camera and getting her bearings since she didn't have any work duties to complete until later in the day. She had expected Kevin to want to come with her, but he'd opted to sleep in with Ellie, who would bring him to the track later. So she wandered, exchanging the occasional greeting with others. Stopping to take a photo of a bird perched on the fence in front of pit lane, she backed up, crashing into someone.

"Whoop, s'cuse me, sorry," she said, turning to apologize properly. She recognized the two men by their faces but her mind blanked on their names.

"It's alright, ma'am. Didn't mess up your shot, did we?" His American accent was a happy surprise.

"I don't think so." Smiling, y/n lowered the camera. "My fault, and I'll blame it on being new."

"Marketing?" The other man guessed.

Australian. And suddenly she remembered their names. "Social media. I'm y/n."

"So great to meet you." Logan tipped his head slightly. "Carolina?"

"God, you can take the hick outta Carolina, but you can't take the Carolina outta the hick." He grinned and she laughed. "North Carolina, yeah."

Oscar stared at Logan. "How did you guess that? She just sounds plain American?"

"No, dude, it's the lilt. It's like when George got pissed we couldn't pick up on the different English accents."

"Can he pick up on the different American south accents?" y/n asked.

Logan rolled his eyes. "He knows Brooklyn, Midwest, valley girl, and just south."

"In his defense it's hard to pick out each individual one," Oscar pointed out.

Y/n shrugged. "You've got a point. I sound different from people that grew up just an hour from me."

"Yeah! And I know mine's been butchered from so much time in Europe." Logan nodded.

"You still sound more like home than anyone else I've met."

"I was gonna say the same thing – you sound like home." He smiled, a soft, genuine smile that had her smiling in return.

"And what do I sound like?" Oscar asked with a grin.

"A magical place far, far away," y/n told him. She covertly checked the time and wondered if hospitality had finished setting up so she could get some coffee.

"Hear that? I sound like Star Wars."

"She's using southern charm on you, dude," Logan snorted.

"Well it's working, I'm charmed."

A giggle bubbled up her throat and she let it free, raising her camera and giving them a hopeful look. "Okay?"

"Hang on—" Logan fussed with his hair, and y/n laughed when Oscar reached to help him, then they both had to fuss with Oscar's hair. "Think we're presentable enough?"

She nodded, moving so the sunlight was beside them. She got several photos and thanked them. "I'll send them to y'alls social media teams?"

"You can just send it to me." Logan began patting his pockets for his phone.

"Unbelievable," Oscar muttered under his breath, and y/n barely heard it, giving Logan her number and adding him to her contacts once he'd sent her a text.

"I should get going – Sorry for bumping into you."

"Don't apologize, I'm glad you did."

As she walked away she gave her head a little shake, smiling to herself when she overheard Oscar's grumbling that Logan had flirted with fuckin' Red Bull's social media admin. Something told her to glance back and she did, amused to see Logan watching her. Don't show interest, don't show interest, don't—

He gave a little wave. And she smiled, waving back.

Fuck.

Ducking around the corner, she wandered until she found hospitality, grogginess taking over as she made her way to the back to fix herself coffee. She recognized a couple engineers and mechanics that she'd met in Milton Keyes and greeted them, settling into a corner to drink and look over the pictures she'd gotten.

She was on her second coffee, had uploaded the pictures to her laptop, and was editing the first batch for a short video when the chair across from her was pulled out, taking her shoe with it.

"Sorry," Max said when she yelped, chuckling as he bent to pick up her shoe. "Didn't know you were attached."

"Bad habit I'm afraid." Taking the shoe, she shifted to put it back on. "Picked it up when I was pregnant now I do it without thinking."

"For the swelling?" he asked, sitting down and taking a sip of his coffee.

"Yeah." After tying the shoelace she shifted, tucking one foot beneath her. "Good morning, by the way."

"Morning. Already working?"

"I'm gonna do a short photo tour of the track. I got some nice shots."

"You walked the track?"

"I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, so… It's beautiful first thing in the morning."

Max nodded, picking up his coffee again. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

"Max, you should know that hotel beds suck. Especially with a three year old sleeping sideways and a snoring friend in the other bed. Is this where you tell me you slept great?"

"Haha, no. My sleep was shit but it wasn't because of the bed. I didn't get enough." He rubbed a hand over his face. "I was up late sim racing."

"Okay, explain sim racing to me," she requested, slipping one earbud in so she could check that the music she'd selected went well with the photos. Tweaking it as he began to talk, she realized she was barely paying attention to her work, exporting and posting the video to all the platforms then closing her laptop to focus on him. He talked with his hands. It was something she'd picked up on already, that if he was focused on the topic he used his hands. Maxplaining the fans called it. Finishing her coffee, she listened intently, propping her chin on one hand.

He smiled, almost shyly, as he finished. "It's something I truly enjoy. I'm not very sociable. I like going out once in a while, but I prefer to stay in, yeah? And I can spend hours in the sim without thinking twice."

"I spent the last few days watching a lot of interviews. Not just of you and Checo, but everyone on the grid," y/n said softly. "Leclerc talks about piano and his family, Norris talks about gaming and DJing, and Hamilton has his six hundred side projects."

"Yes?" He didn't look or sound impatient for her to get to the point, and she appreciated that.

"The thing is, they all have passions outside of racing. This – formula one, fastest cars, all that – is a goal, a dream, but they all have something else they love, that they can pursue now." She paused, meeting his eyes. "The only thing I've seen you passionate about is racing."

He blinked once, nodding his head. "Because it is my passion."

Y/n regarded him carefully for a moment. "You're very lucky, Max."

That must have surprised him, because his brow furrowed. "Why do you say that?"

"Not everyone is able to be successful following their passion. Being able to do what you love for both a job and hobbies is almost unheard of, yet you're doing it. You break records and win races and yeah you've had a few setbacks but you're still in love with this. And on your off time you're training to be better and studying tracks and you go home and race on your computer." She shook her head in amazement. "You're incredibly lucky, that your passion is not only something you're good at but something you can be immersed in nonstop, and that you haven't lost your love for it."

"I guess I am lucky," he said carefully. "But luck had nothing to do with me getting into formula one."

"I know." She held up her hands, not wanting him to think she thought he was in the position he was purely by chance. "I can't imagine how much work you've done over the years, or how many sacrifices you've had to make. It's just… In my experience, passion doesn't always equal financial stability is what I'm trying to say."

"What's that saying? Do something you love and you never work a day in your life?"

Y/n snorted. "That's bullshit. I love sleeping and yet I still have to work."

That made him laugh and she rolled her eyes, even though she enjoyed the sound. "Surely you love more than sleep."

"I love a lot of things. Maybe that's been my problem all my life. I find things and fall in love with them and when I think hey this might be it something new and shiny comes along and I fall in love with that."

"There's nothing wrong with being passionate about many things," Max said gently.

"That's what I keep telling myself. And yet—"

"Are you saying you don't love your job?"

She froze, a wave of panic rippling through her. "Uhmm… Since it's technically my first day I can't answer that."

"Okay. Do you love your social media?" he asked, leaning forward and resting his arms on the table.

The table which was, suddenly, smaller than she remembered.

"I like engaging others. I like creating conversations and seeing my work appreciated," she finally said.

"You sound like a PR person. Do you love it?" He enunciated each word slowly.

She couldn't say yes. The answer wasn't no, either, because she didn't hate it. "I personally hate it. But you've learned how to make it work for you, yeah? How to word things to spark a conversation among followers? What type of content people appreciate?"

"I like to think so."

"Stop being so unsure of yourself. You study it, right? At your last job when you posted a video and no one liked it what did you do? "

She exhaled harshly. "I compare it to ones that did well and pick it apart to see why it didn't work."

"Why?"

"Why?" she echoed.

"Why did you pick it apart?"

"Because I wanted it to do well," she said slowly.

"And these conversations you want to create, do you join in or sit and watch them happen behind the safety of your screen?" He reached over, gently turning her laptop so he could see the screen.

"I engage. I reply and ask questions to make the viewers want to keep the conversation going."

"Why?"

"Because—" She clicked the mouse, bringing up the comments below the video she'd posted to Instagram. "These comments? Come from people that love this brand – or sport. Some of them are trolls who just want to start up an argument to make their boring lives more interesting for a few minutes, but for the most part it's people who care. People who want to see this team do well. People who had the dream of doing it themselves but life got in the way. People who watched it with their parents and still watch to stay connected to someone they love. It's little kids who want to be like you. It's people who spend their hard earned money on a t-shirt or a hat or a ticket to see someone they admire live out their dream." She took a quick breath, scrolling through the comments. "If I don't like or respond to them, they feel like their opinions don't matter. And maybe they don't in the grand scheme of formula one. But they want to be seen and heard. When I click and they see that Red Bull Racing liked their comment or replied with an emoji or whatever, they have a few seconds of elation, and their support of this team is cemented just a bit more."

Max blinked at her, and she continued even though she heard him draw a breath to speak.

"I know very well how horrible social media can be. However, I've seen how it fosters growth for a company. You're not stupid, I'm sure you've seen how TikTok challenges or Instagram livestreams have brought in more support. Not to mention money. If a post of you wearing your Red Bull shirt gets a million likes, I can probably pull the data and show you that a hundred thousand people went to view the shirt on the official shop and probably twenty-five thousand ordered one. A silly picture of you arriving for race day or a new helmet design pulls people in and gets them excited. And, yes, it makes money. Which in turn pays the salaries of everyone on the team."

"Y/n."

She sucked in a breath. "I'm—"

"Passionate," he whispered before she could say sorry.

"I know what it's like to enjoy something and never feel included," she murmured. "So, yeah… I guess I love what I do, because I like that I can include people in something they love."

His hand covered hers briefly. "For a moment there, I even loved social media."

She watched his fingers squeeze hers before they slid away, wondering why his touch lingered. "Yeah?"

"It's easy to forget that there are real people saying nice things. Sometimes all you can see is the negativity."

"Negativity only breeds more negativity—"

"And when you look at it, it's all you'll see," he murmured.

"Well… So far everything I've posted today has been met with positivity."

"That's good."

"Okay, a few comments about wanting to see Lando on the podium. Thank you for letting me rant about why I do what I do," she said, glancing at his hand without meaning to.

"You let me do the same," he reminded her. Lifting his chin, he waited until she looked at him again. "Are you too busy to see what I was talking about?"

"I don't have anything scheduled until after lunch."

"Perfect." He lightly drummed on the table and stood. "Do you want to see my rig?"

"You do know I won't have a clue what anything but the computer and monitor are, right?" Smiling, she stood and began packing away her stuff.

Closing her laptop, he handed it over, catching her earbud when it fell off the edge of the table. "Maybe you'll like it so much you'll want one of your own."

*-*

He was rambling, he knew he was, telling her about the setup and his plan for the 24 hour race over the weekend and how he had everything scheduled so he could do two of the things he loved most. But he could tell she was paying attention, actually listening, as if she really cared. Rubbing his palms against his thighs, he finished and looked up at her.

"So this is your actual job and the f1 thing is just a hobby?" she teased.

Laughing, he got to his feet and got himself a can of Red Bull. "It's just racing, y/n."

"And racing is life."

"Absolutely." He watched her muffle a yawn behind her hand.

"Am I allowed to mention it in my posts? Because it sounds so badass. Sim race stint then qualifying, chug a Red Bull, sim race stint then race."

"You can mention it, not like it's a secret." He watched her hide another yawn and cleared his throat. "Looks like you need a Red Bull."

She shook her head. "Can I tell you a secret?"

Nodding, he checked the time. Just over an hour before he had to meet with his trainer. "Of course."

"I hate Red Bull," she whispered.

He choked on a laugh. "You what?"

"I've tried so many times! I can just about stomach one of the flavored editions, but the original? Tastes like battery acid to me." She looked embarrassed and covered her face with her hands. "Please don't tell anyone."

"You hate the drink. So you accepted a job with a team owned by the drink company." He wanted to laugh. It was so absurd to him.

"Yes," she groaned.

"That would be like me taking a job at Instagram."

"I know it's so bad. What makes it worse is I love Monster—"

"Of course you do," he said with a roll of his eyes.

"Please say you won't tell anyone. If corporate hears, I'll probably get fired. It's in my contract that I can only drink that while in pubic during race weekends which means I've got to either stick to water or learn to fake it."

"Your secret's safe with me," Max promised, breathing in the aroma of her perfume as she moved past him to get her bag.

"Thank you. I think Ellie would kill me if I told her I have to find a new job."

He didn't want her to go so soon. Ridiculous because he knew he'd see her in just a few hours. By the end of the weekend he'd be sick of seeing her. Sipping his drink, he finally sighed and cleared his throat. "You can take a power nap."

She whipped her head around, sending a wave of her perfume his way. "What?"

"A power nap." Before he could stop himself he was setting down his drink and taking her bag off her shoulder. "Thirty minutes, and you'll feel great."

"Max—"

"You need to be alert and focused, and I don't have a Monster for you to drink. Please, I insist." He motioned to his bed in the far corner, gently nudging her shoulder when she hesitated.

"You're sure?" she asked softly, and when he assured her he was she bent to take off her shoes, looking almost elated as she walked over to the bed. "Wait, I need to set an alarm."

"I'll wake you."

She lifted an eyebrow and he pulled out his phone to set a thirty minute timer. Satisfied, she sat on the edge of the bed, thanking him several times as she laid down and curled up on her side. "Thirty minutes."

"Thirty minutes," he murmured, sitting on the couch to answer emails. It was fifteen minutes before she stopped shifting and kicking, and when he heard her breathing even out he knew she was asleep. Resetting the timer, he stood and carefully pulled the blanket over her, then returned to the couch and tried his best to ignore that she was sleeping in his room.

Her phone started buzzing on the table. She didn't stir so he ignored it, focusing on his email. That was impossible though so he cleared out his unread texts, one foot bouncing each time he heard her breathe. A mistake. It had been a mistake. He jumped up when her phone began to buzz again and, glancing from it to her, he realized she would undoubtedly sleep through it. He picked it up and was about to silence it when he saw the name on the screen. Ellie. That was her friend that was helping with Kevin… Something could be wrong, so he answered the call and lifted the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hey, we just— Who's this?"

"Max. This is Ellie?"

"…Yes…" The woman sounded wary. "Why are you – Oh! Max! Right of course. Um, is y/n okay?"

Max looked over at her, smiling faintly when she shifted. "She's fine. Taking a nap, actually."

Ellie snorted. "Of course she is."

"Is everything okay with Kevin?"

As though aware of the question, Kevin began chattering in the background. "Yeah, he's perfect. I was calling to let her know we just got here but I ain't got a clue where to go."

"Are you at the main entrance?" he asked, slipping out of the room so he wouldn't wake y/n. Ellie told him where they were and he nodded as he pulled out his own phone to text one of the team assistants. "You're going to walk down to the turnstiles, scan your passes and come through. Someone will be there to meet you and bring you to the motorhome."

"Ok perfect. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. We'll be downstairs to meet you." Ending the call, he checked that the assistant was going to meet them then reentered his room. He closed the door and silenced his timer. "Y/n?"

She hummed in her sleep, and he smiled while he crossed over to the bed.

"Y/n," he called gently. She groaned, shifting to face away from him and it suddenly occurred to him that when he went to bed that night he would smell her on the pillow and the sheets. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea, but it was too late now.

Would he be an asshole if he had his sheets changed before the end of the day?

Leaning down, he gently touched her shoulder. She inhaled sharply and he saw her eyes snap open. "You have company on its way," he said softly, tugging the covers back in case she tried to get comfortable again. His eyes swept down, locking on the skin bared by her shirt, which had ridden up in her sleep. "Come on, you had a nice nap, time to wake up."

"This bed is so much more comfortable than the one at the hotel," she mumbled, slowly sitting up and turning to face him. Smoothing down her shirt, she stretched and sighed, blinking as she focused on him. "Oh! Ellie and Kevin!"

He laughed as she leapt to her feet, his hands immediately moving to steady her. "It's fine, they haven't even made it to the paddock yet. I've sent someone to meet them."

"Oh," she murmured. "Thank you."

His hands were on her hips, and he forced his breathing to remain calm as she rested her hands on his forearms. The space, which had felt roomy and open, now felt tiny with how close she was to him. He was painfully aware of the scant space between them and each place their bodies touched, but more so of her. That heady floral scent of her perfume and the softness of her palms against his skin. The gentle lushness of her hips. He could hear every breath as his gaze traveled up from her hands to her face, lingering on her slightly parted lips before settling on her eyes. "You good?"

"Yep."

"Right. Sorry," he mumbled, releasing her hips and taking a step back. "I'll get your shoes."

What was wrong with him? It hadn't been so long that he got turned on like a teenager just from touching a woman… As he bent to retrieve her shoes he counted back, dragging a hand over his face in humiliation. What must she think of him? He'd brought her to his room, showed off his fancy toys, then let her sleep in his bed. She probably thought he wanted to fuck her—

You do.

—which couldn't be further from the truth. He was just being nice. Because she was nice. That was all.

Wasn't it?

And why, he wondered as he handed her shoes to her and told her about answering Ellie's call, did he care what she thought? Not caring was his specialty.

"How do you feel?" he asked, finishing his drink in one gulp.

"Refreshed. Thank you so much, Max." She tied her shoes and ran her fingers through her hair. Her lips moved but he didn't hear a word she said, watching her gather her hair and twist and twirl it, securing it with a band from her wrist.

Witchcraft.

"That okay with you?" she asked, slipping her phone into her pocket.

"Of course," he answered automatically.

She clapped her hands together. "Great! I'll put up a post asking for fan questions."

Max blinked, pinching his brows together. "Fan questions."

"Well we can't do an impromptu Q and A without questions." She had her other phone out now, fingers flying across the screen. "We'll do it this afternoon? Just let me know the best time."

Fuck's sake. What had he agreed to? More importantly, how had she gotten him to say yes? Everyone knew he had a low tolerance for marketing. He could take it back and say no, he couldn't do it today. He could tell her to get Checo to do it, that he would do it another time. He'd gotten out of marketing and social media stupidity without a problem plenty of times before. But he was already opening his calendar, going over his schedule, already telling her the open slot he had at 5, and was already putting Q and A with Y/n in that space.

"Perfect," she enthused, shouldering her bag and heading for the door, her fingers still tapping swiftly on the screen. "They should be here about now, right?"

Nodding, he followed her out the room and down, smiling when Kevin came through the front door with a woman he assumed was Ellie. The boy dropped her hand and sprinted over to y/n, who dropped down to hug him tightly. Max looked on, chest squeezing, searching for something that had been lacking, as mother and son talked and hugged, their words overlapping. They both understood each other perfectly, though, and he smiled at Kevin's excited retelling of what he'd had for breakfast. Introducing himself to Ellie, he reached to shake her hand.

"Mister Max!" The boy squealed.

"Kevin!" He was down in a split second, Ellie forgotten and chest constricting tighter as Kevin hugged him like a long lost friend.

"I saw two cats and a horse!" Kevin tugged at his shirt, grinning as he showed off his Red Bull merch.

"You did? What kind of cats?" he asked, taking the boy's cap and beginning to roll the brim for him while the boy described the cats and then the horse. Returning the cap, he enthused over animals, telling him about his own two cats and pulling out his phone to show him a few pictures.

"I miss Cotton," Kevin said with a small pout.

"Is that your cat?" Max saw his trainer approaching and gave him a quick nod.

"Yeah. We can't bring him to Eng-a-lund so Aunt Ellie's sister has him." Kevin's pout melted into a faint smile. "But she sends lots of pictures!"

"That's good. And maybe you'll be able to get him soon."

"Mama says it's s'pensive." The boy sighed as though he had to earn the money to bring his beloved cat to England.

"I know," Max sympathized. "Go with your mum, yeah? I've got to go train."

Kevin's face puckered in confusion. "Train? Like Shang?"

Y/n cleared her throat. "We watched Mulan on the flight last night."

"What did Shang do?" Max vaguely remembered the movie, but it had been years since he'd seen it.

"He made a man out of 'em."

"Okay, doodle bug, we have to let Max get his workout in," y/n said, flashing Max a smile. "If you ask another question he'll start singing the song."

Max stared at her then turned his attention back to Kevin. "What song?"

Because he had to. Because hearing her groan as her son began singing a song about being a man was priceless. And the dramatic way she hung her head when Ellie joined in made him laugh. Kevin giggled, cutting off his singing and looking at Max hopefully. "Will you watch it with me?"

"I—"

"Mister Max is too busy to watch a movie," y/n cut in.

"We'll watch it this weekend," Max promised, hating the sadness in the boy's eyes. Relieved when it disappeared in a flash, he gave him a high five and stood.

"Yay!"

He exchanged a look with y/n, who sighed and nodded, reaching for Kevin's hand. "I'll see you later," he said.

"5 o'clock," she reminded him as he headed out.

*-*

"So…"

Y/n groaned at Ellie's knowing tone. Watching as Kevin was snatched up by Lando so he wasn't crashed into by Charles in the impromptu game of football, she folded her arms over her chest. "So?"

"He had coffee with you."

God, here we go.

"Showed you his private room and his expensive computer setup… Let you take a nap in his bed—"

"He's just being nice," y/n insisted.

"And he's gonna take time out of his ridiculously busy weekend to watch a movie with Kevin." Ellie hummed, taking a sip of her tea.

Ignoring her, y/n looked on as Lando, Oscar, and Logan pretended to fight back the others while Kevin kicked the ball towards the goal. They were all shouting, dramatic and over the top, and above it all she heard the sweetest sound of her son's laughter. When the ball rolled into the net there was a roar that rivaled a championship game, and she joined in the cheering and applauding.

"You could do worse," Ellie murmured.

"Would you stop?" Y/n rolled her eyes, giving Logan a thumbs up when he gestured to the football and Kevin, understanding they wanted to have another quick game.

"He's cute."

"They all are," y/n muttered without thinking, lifting her camera for a few photos for her personal collection. Recognizing Checo when he suddenly appeared in the viewfinder, she snapped more photos, lowering the camera to watch.

"You know—"

"I can't wait for you to start your job so I can come and try to partner you up with a coworker," she huffed, snorting when Ellie gasped.

"You wouldn't."

"In a heartbeat."

"Besides, there's only one person in that group that's technically your coworker," Ellie said.

"I'm not here for that."

"I know." Ellie leaned against her briefly. "Wouldn't be me if I didn't encourage a delusion, though."

"Yeah…" Y/n laughed softly. "It's my first day, of course everyone's already in love with me."

"Exactly."

It was what she loved about Ellie. No matter what, she could make her laugh. Grinning, she watched Kevin bump into Oscar, who immediately collapsed with an exaggerated howl of pain, holding the leg that Kevin hadn't touched. "And they're all so good with kids."

"Total dad material, every one of them," Ellie agreed. "Not a stepdad, a dad who stepped up."

She choked on a laugh, playfully swatting her friend's arm. Because she knew Logan had overheard them. "Stop—"

"And probably more than willing to crack your back—"

"Oh my god." Clapping a hand over her face, she sensed someone approaching. "I have to work with these people."

"Only until they fuck a baby into you."

"Hey, y/n, your kid's so cool," Logan said.

Her face burned but she slowly pulled her hand away, giving him a weak smile. "Thanks."

He propped his hands on his waist, breathing heavy as he watched Kevin dart between Lando, Oscar, Checo, and Alex. "He always this energetic?"

"Fify-fifty. He's either like this or so quiet I worry he's up to something."

Logan chuckled. "Is he a troublemaker?"

"Nah, if he's quiet it's because he's focused on his cars or studying a bug."

"Christ! Get it away from me!"

Y/n's heart lurched at the sudden shriek from Lando, and she barely saw him sprinting away from her son, who was holding something in his hands.

"It's a frog, mate!" Oscar shouted behind him.

"Don't care!"

Kevin slowly walked over to y/n. "Mama, look!" he said, eyes shining with excitement. His cheeks were a little flushed from the hard play and he was giggling. "Mister Lando scared of a l'il frog."

"He's just not a country boy like you, honey," she soothed. "But maybe we should put the frog somewhere he'll be safe?"

"C'mon, Kev, I'll help you," Logan offered.

"Hmm," Ellie hummed once Logan had scooped Kevin up, cupping one hand over the boy's to keep the frog from jumping away.

"Shut it."

"I didn't say a word."

"Please, that hmm contained at least two paragraphs, ten innuendoes, and a pointed reference," y/n said, trailing behind Logan. Looking on as he set Kevin down near the tree line, she got a few pictures of them releasing the frog. She cringed when her son wiped his dirty hands on his shorts but Logan didn't seem to mind, lifting him up and carrying him back to her.

"He's free!" Kevin squealed. "Thanks, Mister Logan."

"Anytime, Kev." He tousled his curly hair after setting him down, flashing a shy smile at y/n.

She returned the smile, eyes following Kevin as he ran back to the game. "He's gonna pass out as soon as we get back to the hotel."

"He could probably run circles around all of us all night," Logan chuckled.

"True…"

"So like…" He cleared his throat. "Are you married?"

God, she loved Floridians. "No," she answered, turning to look at him. "Are you?"

"God no." He made a face at the thought. "So you're single?"

She nodded, already formulating how she would turn him down if he asked her out. She was too busy. Not interested in anything romantic at the moment. It never hurt to be honest, right? She couldn't lie and say she just had a messy breakup or—

"Would you be interested in – I'm not trying to hook up or anything," he said quickly when she opened her mouth. "Just, like, as a friend? I know how it is to feel like a fish out of water here. I'm kind of used to it but I can remember feeling like I was alone and surrounded by people who didn't understand my Americanisms."

"Oh." Aw. Damn it, she couldn't say no to that. "I… Yeah, sure, I'd like that."

He smiled. "Awesome. Maybe we can do something tomorrow after practice?" he suggested.

"Sure, sounds great. Text me?" she requested. Her phone alarm started going off and she pulled it out to silence it. "I gotta go. I'll see you later."

She waved to Ellie and mimed that she had to get some work done, waiting for her friend to wave back before making her way to the garage. While walking she got a message from one of the mechanics that the cars were photo ready and quickened her pace, envisioning the photos she would get of the mechanics and engineers. As she worked she asked questions, truly interested in what everyone did, a small idea forming that she'd run by Mr. Horner later. She knew that she would enjoy mini profiles on the team, with just the most basic of information like their names and where they were from. Maybe how long they'd been on the team, what had brought them to formula one…

"Thanks so much guys," she said as she finished up, declining the offer of a cold Red Bull. Her alarm went off again – twenty minutes to get ready to meet Max in the lounge back at the motorhome – and she switched off the camera, waving bye and turning to leave the garage.

She slammed into a human wall, grunting in surprise as she stumbled back. Twice in one day, really? The bump had caused the camera to slam against her ribs and she rubbed the spot gently. "I'm sorry! Wasn't looking where I was going."

She expected a chuckle, a reassurance that it was a hazard of the job. Maybe even an apology in return. Instead, the older man sneered at her, looking her up and down in such a way she felt like a child caught misbehaving. "You need to learn your place."

She gulped, fear prickling through her embarrassment. And even though she knew she hadn't done anything wrong, she found her mouth opening to apologize. "S-sorry."

"Horner know better than to hire amateurs," he muttered, scoffing. "He obviously didn't hire you for your looks."

She bristled at that. "I beg your pardon?"

"As you should." He brushed past her.

She felt weak. Clammy and cold. Shuddering slightly, she swallowed hard and left the garage, heading straight for the motorhome, where she was able to catch her breath. Who the hell had that been? He'd been wearing a Red Bull pass, so he had to be on the team. He was obviously important. She couldn't imagine him being considered her boss, not when everyone else had been so nice and—

"Ah, y/n, are you ready to do the Q and A?" Max asked.

Y/n felt her lungs burn and sucked in a breath, staring at the cup of coffee she'd made herself. "Y-yeah, I'll meet you up on the deck?"

Please go up, please go up, please go—

"What's wrong?"

Goddammit.

"Y/n?" He looked and sounded concerned, and she ducked her head as he walked over. "Hey…"

"I'm fine," she lied.

"You're a terrible liar," he said, leaning against the counter. "What happened?"

"Nothing, I'm just overreacting." Rubbing her hand over her face, she shook her head and reached for the coffee. "Just a run-in with an asshole."

"But I haven't seen you in three hours." Max's lips barely twitched at the corner.

"Not you, a different asshole." She felt her cheeks burn and groaned. "I'm not saying you're an asshole!"

"You don't have to, I already know I can be an asshole at times." Folding his arms over his chest, he met her eyes. "Who was it?"

"That's the thing, I don't even know. I was coming out of the garage – You know, I went down to get pics of the mechanics? Anyway, I was about to text you about the Q and A and wasn't looking where I was going and bumped into him."

"Who?"

"I don't know. Older, kinda tall? Sour faced." She raised a hand to the man's approximate height. "I apologized and he told me I need to learn my place, then said I was an amateur and Horner obviously didn't hire me for my looks – I didn't ask his name because I was in shock. All I know is he had a Red Bull pass."

Max's brow furrowed, and she felt him tense. Then, to her surprise, he described the man perfectly.

"Yeah, that's him." She bit her lip. "You know him?"

"Unfortunately," he muttered. "It's my dad."

"Oh." Y/n looked down at her coffee. "Sorry."

"Me too." He sighed, pushing away from the counter. "Don't listen to him, yeah? You have more right to be here than he does, and you're not an amateur. As much as I hate social media, even I can tell that you're excellent at your job."

"Thank you," she whispered. "I just… I've spent my entire adult life working to improve myself and discover my own worth as a human being, and I can give other women empowering pep talks, but I still freeze when a man that thinks he's better than me talks down to me."

"Fuck him," Max said simply. "He's not your boss, he can't control anything you do in your life."

"Either you're really trying to make me feel better or you really don't like your dad," she murmured. When he didn't reply, she slowly lifted her gaze. Seeing the muscle in his jaw twitch, she felt a pang of sympathy. If the man had been that rude to her, a stranger, she couldn't begin to imagine what he'd been like to his own son.

"If he speaks to you like that again, you let me know."

"I don't want to cause a fuss—"

"Not wanting to cause a fuss is why he thinks he can get away with it," Max pointed out. "I'll speak to Christian—"

"Max, no, it's literally my first week!"

"Which is why you have to set boundaries now. He'll either treat you with the respect you deserve or he'll be banned from the paddock."

Y/n blinked in shock. "You'd have him banned?"

"In a heartbeat." The look on his face told her he was serious, from the determined set of his jaw to the way he kept his eyes level with hers. "So either you mention it to Christian in the team meeting or I will."

"God," she groaned, knowing that this had to be just one tiny item among a long list of infractions for Max to want him banned. "Okay. I'll tell him before the team meeting tomorrow."

"Good. Come, let's do the Q and A. You ready?" he asked, taking her empty cup and throwing it away.

"Yeah." Grateful for the distraction, she walked to the stairs with him. "I did a clip of you looking confused and posted it on TikTok and Instagram that went viral because I captioned it When You Ask Max Verstappen About Anything But Racing. Oh and I found out Tumblr fans love making gifs of you laughing. Twitter likes making memes out of your face. Whereas Facebook is mostly a bunch of boomers commenting about how I'm ruining the integrity of the sport."

"I really do hate social media," he snorted.

"And that is why I'm doing social media," she teased. Halfway up the stairs, she slowed, turning to look at him. "Thank you, Max."

"For hating social media? You're welcome."

taglist

@spookystitchery | @halleest | @lyannesworld | @llando4norris

#f1 #f1 fic #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #max verstappen #max verstappen fic #max verstappen x reader #max verstappen imagine #my writings > mv > rulebreaker

859 notes · View notes

ikeuverse · 9 months

Text

DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY — l.heeseung

PAIRING: heeseung x fem!reader GENRES: fluff, angst WC: 15.3k+

WARNINGS: mention of betrayal (not between heeseung and y/n), swearing, arguing, drinking alcohol, mention of sex, and i think that's it. let me know if i've forgotten anything, please.

SYNOPSIS: lee heeseung is afraid to say the three famous words out loud, and he knows that because he didn't, he lost you once. and he doesn't want that to happen again.

NOTES: first of all, more than 15k words? maybe i got carried away or idk i was abstaining from writing... this is the longest story I've ever written on this tumblr (so far). i've had this idea for a while and i've also read similar things, but never with heeseung being the one who can't say i love you. i decided to do it the way i imagined it would be, so i hope you like it!

masterlist

Your fingers circled the wine glass as she looked at your flatmate and best friend. The tip of her nose was red from crying and, with a little more wine in her glass, she drank it all in one gulp.

"You're going to get drunk like that" your voice came out low, to warn her, not scolding her.

"That's the point" Hyojin smiled without any humor, pouring some more and showing you that it was over.

One more bottle, she hissed in your direction and you got up to get it from the fridge. Your best friend wasn't kidding when she told you to go to the market and buy six bottles of wine for the evening.

Break-ups are hard, you think, although you've never really experienced them. You just follow your friends and even your favorite movies and characters. But the worst break-up is when the guy swears his love, asks you to marry, and then says he's been offered a job on the other side of the country.

It happened to Hyojin. Her relationship with Seungho was perfect, worthy of a movie script, you'd think. They met in their last year of high school – you met Hyojin in your first year of college, so Seungho came with baggage. And every year on that university campus the two of them stood out because they were so close and loving towards each other.

After graduating, the two moved in together and after a year Seungho asked her to marry him. You still remember Hyojin's eyes shining as brightly as that ring on her finger while your best friend giggled on the sofa in their small apartment.

"I'm getting married" she said, and you agreed. Because of the two of you, she was even more likely to do it because of your long-standing relationship, while you had never been in a relationship. Not even a serious one.

After months of engagement, Seungho said that he had been offered a job on the other side of the country. Hyojin had always encouraged him, so there was no hesitation when she helped him pack for the trip. But not before shedding a few tears over the constant conversations they had when he stayed at the couple's apartment to make the final arrangements.

"Are you sure we'll work out from a distance?" he asked one night, looking deep into Hyojin's eyes as he sighed. Even though she didn't know what he was asking, she only agreed and assured him that she would wait for him, or even try to ask for a transfer from her work to the headquarters less than an hour from where Seungho said he would be staying.

But there was no time. The shock of seeing Seungho going to the other side of the country and getting into a relationship with a woman from the company made Hyojin's stomach turn.

I was being betrayed the whole time, she mumbled through sobs as you tried to calm her down in the middle of the apartment your best friend shared with her - now - ex-fiancé.

How could Hyojin never have suspected? How could you never see that he was capable of this? Was Seungho so fake as to deceive Hyojin's family, her friends and everyone around to show himself to be an honest man while having an affair with a woman from his work?

"Maybe we should go to his new job and set fire to his new office" Sora, another friend of the two of you, suggested while pouring some more chocolate ice cream.

Sneakily, you picked up your phone and stared at your friend.

"I think I'll ask Jake to put our contact in the emergency room in case he needs help" you commented. Jake was Sora's boyfriend and your best friend at college. He had also met Seungho and hated the whole thing, but he had to divide himself between looking after his best friend – with the help of his girlfriend – and Hyojin's brother who was fighting the urge to kill his younger sister's ex-fiancé.

The whole issue itself leads up to the moment in question where, one more night, Hyojin falls into the weakness of feeling sad again. Crying and wondering where she had gone wrong all this time that she hadn't noticed a single sign that she was being betrayed.

All this guilt consumed you all the more for being your best friend for so long that you couldn't even say anything. So your apology was to buy more wine and let your best friend, and now flatmate, drink as much as she wanted.

Asking Hyojin to move in with you after the breakup was the least you could do since she didn't want to stay where she was either. Nothing that reminded of her ex was something to be proud of. So the further away she was, the better off she would be.

"Maybe you need to go to bed now" you said sleepily, yawning and leaving your glass halfway down.

"No, of course not" she was cheerful, even if her whole face looked a bit swollen from the amount of crying she'd done "How about we have a party?"

"Now?" you widened your eyes as you picked up your cell phone to check the time.

One o'clock in the morning.

"Hyojin, let's go to bed" you stood up and tried to take her by the hand, but your friend sidestepped you and took the device from her. Unlocking it and typing a few things "What are you doing?"

Hyojin didn't answer, putting the phone on speaker.

"Hyojin…"

"Hyojin?" the thick, sleepy voice on the other end of the line indicated that it was a boy. Sleepy and a little inebriated, you narrowed your eyes to see the caller ID.

"Hey, brother" she laughed softly and then looked at you, her eyes so small that you could see the effect of so many bottles of wine.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" he said. A rustle on the other end of the line indicated that he was stirring in bed to get up, apparently waking from his peaceful slumber.

"Y/n's fault, she bought me a drink."

"Motherfucker" you whispered.

"Can I talk to y/n?" he asked at the same moment you cursed your best friend.

With a mischievous, cheeky grin, Hyojin agreed without protest and gave you her cell phone. Before he did anything, your gaze followed your friend out of the kitchen as she said needed to go to the bathroom. He then took the handset off the speakerphone.

"Y/n?" he called this time.

"Hi, Heeseung" you didn't know why you'd swallowed, even though you weren't face to face, you could imagine the small smile he gave when you said his name.

"Can you keep her awake for a few minutes until I get there?" he asked. You couldn't see, but Heeseung had the speakerphone on just to get out of his pajamas and into more comfortable clothes, putting on his sneakers and picking up the handset again.

"What? You're coming—"

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?" there was no denying it since you remembered how protective Heeseung was of Hyojin. So you could only agree with your best friend's older brother "Okay, I'll call you on her cell phone to let you know I've arrived."

And before you could even process that Heeseung had hung up, Hyojin arrived in the kitchen.

"So… Did you miss my brother's voice?" she asked in a mischievous tone, making you roll your eyes.

"You're drunk and delirious" you were holding her cell phone in your hands, laughing as your best friend hugged you by the shoulders "Now let's stay on the couch until Heeseung gets here."

"He's coming over? Did you ask?"

"No" you said simply, ending the conversation at that moment as Hyojin walked into the living room to sit down, waiting for his brother.

While you divided your attention between the device and your best friend, yawning a few times and feeling that the drunkenness was gradually wearing off. At the same time, your heart began to race, and you just wanted to push away the thought that the reason was coming in fifteen minutes.

Heeseung had arrived in fifteen minutes, or even less, you couldn't tell. He talked to you to try to find out how many bottles Hyojin had drunk and if she had done anything other than call him.

No. All the answers were no and Heeseung was relieved to know that you were taking such good care of his sister.

You tried to reassure him that everything was fine and that he could rest, but knowing your overprotection and big-brother instincts, it was nothing new that Heeseung would take Hyojin to bed and sleep there.

Nor would it be news that the next morning you would be sitting on one of the stools facing the kitchen worktop watching Heeseung cook breakfast.

Your sleepy voice made him laugh to himself as he asked you what you liked to eat. Pancakes with extra chocolate icing was a good one, a little blood glucose, and a good strong coffee without sugar to balance out the hangover. It all blended so well in your mouth that you almost let out a compliment louder than: thank you, this is amazing.

It wasn't long before Hyojin woke up, much worse off than you, and joined the bench next to you to eat breakfast.

"What will you have?" Heeseung asked in a low tone, already preparing himself for the next words.

"Don't shout, I've got a headache" Hyojin spoke, he just moved his lips as if imitating her, already knowing exactly what she would say. You laughed, only to be reprimanded by your best friend.

"Okay, strong coffee first" Heeseung whispered and poured some of the strong brown liquid into a cup he had already set aside for her.

While Hyojin drank, you finished your chocolate pancakes and stared at your best friend next to you. But that didn't stop you from feeling the weight of the pair of eyes in front of you. You didn't want to turn and face Heeseung, but you knew he was looking at you.

The three of you remained silent for long minutes until Hyojin had recovered – after three long cups of coffee – opting to go and sit at the table since the kitchen counter wouldn't be as comfortable to hold a conversation staring at each other.

"Well…" Heeseung began, looking at you until he focused on Hyojin "Six bottles? Really?"

A short silence is maintained until she clicks her tongue inside her mouth, bringing the cup halfway to her lips and taking a sip of coffee.

"Last time I managed to outdo myself, it was nine bottles" she laughed to herself, knowing it wasn't funny, but wanting to get rid of the tense atmosphere and the two of them staring at her with concern.

"Did he call you?" he let slip after a while. Hyojin didn't want to appear fragile now, so you just huffed and made a point of getting up. Perhaps this was a private conversation between the brothers and you didn't want to get involved.

"No" Hyojin said as she grabbed your arm, so that answer had a double meaning – both for Heeseung and for your leaving the kitchen, she wanted you to stay.

"Then why do you still insist on drinking because of that asshole and crying about him every night?"

Another moment of silence. You wanted to leave while there was still time, but Hyojin's hand remained on your arm.

"Maybe because it's been more than five years of relationship, including a year of engagement."

The brothers exchanged angry glances with each other, but they weren't angry with each other. Heeseung wasn't mad at Hyojin and Hyojin wasn't mad at him.

You mentioned opening your mouth a few times and shut up when they started arguing with each other. With no intention of stopping so soon, you knew that when the Lee brothers started an argument, it would go on for so long that all you had to do was pick up your friend's cup and drink the coffee for her.

"How was I supposed to know he was cheating on me, Heeseung?" Hyojin snapped, just in time for you to pull on her arm and get out of there quickly.

Dialing Jake's number, the only one who could help you in this whole situation. He didn't need to ask you anything when you just said "come quickly" because he knew what he had to do.

And as quickly as Heeseung arrived last night, Jake was walking through the door of the apartment.

The brothers were still arguing in the kitchen and you had a sad smile on your face.

"How long?" he asked, pulling you into a hug and smelling freshly brewed coffee.

"Since I called you, that's…"

"Twenty minutes" he looked at his cell phone and then at you, linking his arm in yours so that the two of you could go into the kitchen where the discussion was still going on.

None of the Lee brothers realized that you had been gone for so long, and even fewer had noticed Jake's arrival – now with you – in the kitchen. The two of them shouted at each other and Hyojin sometimes banged the table when he noticed how ironic his older brother was being.

"Were you stupid enough to believe that he would wait for you on the other side of the country?" Heeseung shouted this time. The veins were prominent on his neck as he kept his fists clenched on the table, imagining one of his hands meeting Seungho's face.

"I was, Heeseung. I was dumb enough because I loved Seungho" Hyojin shouted back "I've loved him for all these years, but there's no point in arguing about it because you don't know what love is, do you?"

"Hyojin" he called out to his sister, his eyes widening when she mentioned such a thing.

"What? I was stupid enough to be cheated on and we can't bring up the fact that Mr. Perfect doesn't know what real love is?"

"That's enough!" Jake shouted so loudly that it startled all three of them at once.

You cringed next to him, Hyojin shuddered and Heeseung stood up so quickly that he felt his vision go dark for a few seconds before returning to normal.

"Jake?" the Lee brothers asked at the same time.

He cleared his throat, untangling his arm from you to walk over to the two of them who were standing near the dining table.

"What are you doing here?" Heeseung asked.

"Trying to intervene in a silly fight between siblings" he kept his voice loud but didn't shout this time. Looking between Heeseung and Hyojin, he sighed "What the fuck are you two doing?"

Really, what were the two of them doing? Stopping the fight for a while and looking in your direction, you seemed stunned by everything that was happening while Hyojin and Heeseung realized why Jake was there.

You called him. You called Jake so that he would somehow try to stop what you hadn't been able to.

"I'm sorry" Hyojin tried to say, but you just nodded and looked away from the two brothers to go to the counter and get some more coffee.

"I think this whole situation is getting on everyone's nerves, that's for sure" Jake began, signaling to you that he also wanted some coffee. As soon as he took the cup, he thanked you and sat down in the chair next to Hyojin – where you had been sitting before everything started "But we don't have to blame each other for something that's Seungho's fault."

No one doubted Jake's words and how right he was about them, but hearing out loud that it wasn't anyone's fault made Heeseung panic. Because he needed to blame someone, or at least try to get all the anger out since everything happened and he saw his sister cry.

It was different from a scraped knee, for example. Or when Hyojin cried when she was ten because Heeseung wouldn't let her play with his Legos.

It was also different when Heeseung fought with Hyojin for eating the last chocolate from the box of sweets, for example. Or how he yelled – not raged – at her because Hyojin had borrowed one of his perfumes. Without asking. Because she liked the smell of her older brother.

It was all very different, that's for sure.

"Is now the time for an apology?" Hyojin looked at his brother, who had his head down and was staring at his fingers.

You and Jake nodded in agreement, but before she could say anything, Heeseung stood up.

"I'm leaving, Jake and y/n can take care of you from here" and without waiting for anyone else to say anything, he left.

Hyojin wanted to mentally curse herself more than before. More than anything. Looking at her two friends who remained in the kitchen, their vision blurred by tears, she sobbed.

"Your words were hard, you know, aren't they?" she laid her head on Jake's shoulder, as the boy felt her tears soak through his T-shirt. Hyojin sobbed some more, then bit his lower lip.

"I just… I thought…" she couldn't say anything. You knew that, because Jake had known the brothers for a little longer, perhaps the truths – or insults – spoken at that moment carried things you didn't know yet. So you decided to keep quiet and leave the kitchen once again.

You walked into the living room just in time to see Heeseung coming down the stairs from the duplex, fixing his hair and the sweatshirt he'd worn the night before. He turned to you, his eyes watering too, but he didn't say anything. Not even a nod in your direction. Just a sad look, perhaps thanking you for the day's stay and for looking after Hyojin while he got to the apartment.

Leaving quickly, Heeseung had you worried because you knew why Hyojin was crying, but you had no idea why he was shedding those tears.

"Traveling?" Hyojin frowned as you pushed the milkshake glass towards her. Berries for your best friend while you sipped on something with salted caramel.

"A whole month away from all this, what do you think?"

"A whole month?" she widened her eyes "And where would we go?"

Her shoulders rose and fell, shrugging them slowly as she pretended to think. It turned out that you and Jake had talked a lot over the last few weeks after that moment in your apartment with the Lee brothers. All the events were affecting everything around you, the boy had even said that he almost got into a fight with Sora for a silly reason because he was thinking of ways to end Seungho's life.

That man had ruined the mood of everyone in Hyojin's life and none of them wanted it anymore.

"Jake said he missed Grandma Lee's farmhouse" you smiled with your lips around the straw, sipping your milkshake as you listened to your best friend laugh.

"What are you two up to?" she asked, sipping her cold drink and feeling that cozy taste. It was the drink the two of you shared once a week when you wanted to talk outside the house or simply get out of the routine of coffee, wine, or any other drink you had inside your home – the apartment you shared after everything happened.

"Actually" you looked away and stared at the people in the street. Each one with their daily life, average problems or not. Some talk on their cell phones and others enjoy the company of another person, a child, a dog on a leash, and even a food delivery man balancing a few boxes in his hand as he enters an establishment in front of the café. You turned your attention to Hyojin, smiling at her "Jake and I have talked a lot since everything happened and we were just thinking about something we could all do together again. Just like old times."

Like old times, that phrase echoed in Hyojin's head. You all used to go to her grandmother's country house, yes. You, Heeseung, Jake and Sora, and her with Seungho. Spending incredible moments with Grandma Lee, while the siblings recounted everything they'd ever gotten up to on that estate.

Jake has already risked climbing the apple tree that Heeseung almost fell from when he was eight. Or how Seungho gently cut up the vegetables for Grandma Lee while you set the table bathed in yet another nostalgic story about the brothers. Or even of the little lady who loved company.

It was a different place to where you used to go, far from the city, the beach, or any social interaction since you all had plenty of that in the city where you lived.

It was on Grandma Lee's farm that you learned to knit and sew, for example. And it was there that Sora painted a friendship picture on her last vacation that hung in your living room. That place contained a lot of memories of the Lee brothers, but it was also a place where Hyojin was creating a lot of memories with her friends too, along with her brother – she wanted to exclude Seungho completely from these thoughts.

"If I accept this vacation" she began, a smile widening her lips as you listened to your best friend ramble on until she sighed at the end of the sentence "why do we need to stay a month?"

"Because it's enough time for Jake to explore all of your granny's fruit trees" you listed, sipping your cold drink to wet your throat "Or for Heeseung to teach Sora how to ride his grandfather's tractor" you both laughed at the last memory when she almost broke through a fence "Or how your grandmother can keep teaching me how to knit" you shrugged.

It was unfair to list all that with the smell of longing and nostalgia for Hyojin. She knew it had been a long time since she'd seen her grandmother, and long enough since she'd taken a vacation to relax.

"Have you two told Heeseung about this?" she asked.

Perfect, she's considering the idea, you thought as you shook your head in reply.

"Jake's going to talk to him today."

"So this meeting of ours wasn't about drinking?" your friend pretended to be offended when she realized that, at the moment you were talking to her about it, Jake was probably talking to Jake too, wherever you were.

With a guilty smile, you finished your milkshake and smiled at her before grimacing.

"Vacation. A month to miss granny Lee, please?"

With a pout on your lips, you hoped that this would convince Lee Hyojin to go on vacation with you and Jake.

Grandma Lee's hug was so welcoming that you didn't want to leave, feeling her hands smoothing your back as you laid your head on hers.

"How I've missed having you all here" she said after releasing you, going to hug Sora in the same way.

"We missed you too, Grandma" Hyojin had already hugged her, so he sat down on the sofa while he waited for Grandma to get her friends to join her.

"How did you all manage to leave at the same time?" she asked "And the boys, where are they?"

"Coming a bit late" Hyojin said "Heeseung and Jake had to pick someone up, so we wanted to come quickly."

"To get the best guest room" you added.

When they came to Grandma Lee's house, Hyojin used to share a room with Seungho, while you and Sora shared another, next to Heeseung and Jake in the other room. Since it would be kind of weird for you to sleep with your best friend's brother. Or not.

This time the division would be with you sleeping with Hyojin, while Jake and Sora would share the other room, and Heeseung would sleep with his new friend who was arriving. Up went the suitcases and superficially tidied up until they arrived, which didn't take long when Jake's car horn was heard coming down the road before it stopped near the fences of Grandma Lee's property.

You all came out of the house together with the lady to greet the new arrivals who were getting out of the vehicle to unload their bags and supplies.

"Hey, you didn't take long" Sora approached first, being hugged by Jake as he kissed her quickly.

"I thought the two of them were going to roll into the house, but it was kind of quick" he smiled, opening the trunk to grab his things, but before he could pull out the suitcase, Jake shouted, "Granny!"

He ran out towards the lady who was already near the entrance stairs to greet him. Heeseung got out of the car laughing at the typical scene that happened every time they went there. It was as if Jake was more of a grandson than Heeseung himself or even Hyojin. He felt more like part of the family and even had a little argument with you for having been adopted first as Mrs. Lee's grandson.

"How handsome you look, Jake" she said after hugging him, receiving a grateful smile from the boy.

"You look wonderful" Jake complimented "And you know what I brought?"

"Don't tell me you—"

"Jake, if you brought my grandmother a drink…" Hyojin wanted to yell at him when he saw his friend shrug and dodge a slap he could have received on his arm.

You and Sora could only laugh at the whole situation as you watched Heeseung approach a boy. Your eyes narrowed to decipher who it was, without recognizing him until he got close enough and waved to the two of you.

"Grandma" Heeseung didn't want to let go of the lady in his arms, almost lifting her off the ground when he went to hug her. Laughing at the whole thing, Grandma Lee said she missed her eldest grandson before he introduced the boy "Women, this is our friend Sunghoon. Sunghoon, this is my wonderful, perfect granny" the tall, dark-haired boy smiled at the lady, who wasn't shy about hugging him too "This is Sora, Jake's girlfriend" she waved to Sunghoon after he had been hugged by Grandma Lee "And this is y/n, my sister's best friend."

"Oh" Sunghoon raised his eyebrows when he heard her name, and it made his smile falter. Did he know you?

You nodded back, swallowing dryly and putting it out of your mind for a while when Jake returned with Hyojin.

"Have you chosen your rooms yet?" he asked "We've brought so much food that I think we'll have enough for the whole month."

"That's great, I'm going to cook a lot for all of you" while Grandma Lee was talking to the rest of the group, you pulled Jake along before he approached the car with the others to unload everything they had brought. He looked at you with a calm countenance, smiling without showing his teeth and waiting for you to say something.

"Who's Sunghoon?" you asked quietly, afraid that someone would overhear.

Jake bit his lip to keep from laughing, but it still happened. This time he received a slap on the arm from you.

"Come on, why am I getting hit?" he asked, dodging another slap and staying by your side as you started walking to the car "He's a friend of Heeseung's from work, we talk about a lot of things, and... Well, eventually about girls too."

"And why did he… Mhm…" you could feel your cheeks burning at the thought, but you still wanted to ask "And why did he look surprised when he heard my name?"

Jake didn't laugh this time, but he kept a shit-eating grin on his face as he let everyone take their bags into the house, leaving just you and him there to pick up the rest.

"Because I talk about Sora, we talk about Hyojin too" he ran the tip of his tongue between his lips before speaking "And Heeseung has said things about you a few times too."

"Things? About me? But wait… What kind of things?" you asked.

Jake picked up the heavier bags, leaving some light ones for you to carry. When he had taken them, he closed the trunk of the car and activated the alarm to enter Grandma Lee's house with you.

"How about we talk and have a drink tonight after dinner?" Jake whispered, "So you can ask Sunghoon himself."

Jake was a son of a bitch when he wanted to be, and you hated that side of your best friend. But at the same time, you knew how right he was.

You all drank a little after dinner. And after each other, and each other too, making it an almost daily practice after the meal for the next two weeks. Drinking, talking, and laughing, all together. But at no point did you manage to ask Sunghoon anything in particular. And he also didn't seem to mind interacting with you so much after the first time you met.

Sunghoon had been working with Heeseung in the same sector for just over a year and a half, and you realized – along with your two friends – that he was just as playful and fun as the boy and Jake. Putting the three of you together made for a good session of laughter and even adventure within the first two weeks.

You all explored the surroundings, hiking and recognizing places you'd only been to a few times before. Bathing in the waterfall on the nearby property, which was a friend of the Lee family, it wouldn't be a problem for anyone to feel uncomfortable, as Sunghoon said he was afraid of.

You also went into town to buy more drinks because, according to Jake, you needed to inaugurate the pier near the lake where you last barbecued – four days ago – during the night. And that's exactly where you were.

You had eaten enough and sat down on the beach chair they had put there for anyone who wanted one, smiling at Sunghoon who had sat down next to you.

"Would you like one?" he offered a can of beer and you readily accepted, thanking him before opening your can and drinking some of the contents.

Watching your friends laughing and roasting the rest of the meat they had bought, joking with each other, and feeling your chest relax when you saw Hyojin smile. The big reason for this trip was right there, leaning on Jake's shoulder as he laughed at something Sora had said.

"Heeseung told me" Sunghoon snapped you out of your thoughts, making you look at him quickly as you missed the scene where Hyojin was hugging his brother "I felt his anger."

"I don't know who was angrier than Hyojin" you sighed heavily, drinking beer at the same second as Sunghoon, almost as if you were both a reflection of each other.

"He's a piece of shit" the boy muttered "I only met him once when Heeseung took him out to the bar" he chewed his lower lip as he was distracted by the four of them running along the pier, well away from the grill now "It was a bit… Egocentric."

"Disgusting" you added.

Swearing at Seungho was therapeutic for you, and you were grateful to know that Sunghoon shared the same feeling. Well, anyone in their right mind would feel that way because what that idiot had done to your best friend was unimaginable.

"Hey" Jake approached the two of you, picking up a third chair to put on your other side and put you between him and Sunghoon.

"Why did you come here?" the boy asked Jake, seeing that he also had a beer in his hand, and then sighed.

Jake would have answered, but the scene in front of him spoke for itself. Heeseung, Sora, and Hyojin had taken off their shirts and jumped into the lake without warning. He didn't want to risk it as it was getting dark – and he wasn't that brave either – telling the three of them that he would sit down with you and Sunghoon to talk.

"What were you talking about?" he then asked.

"We were cursing Seungho" you said cheerfully, watching Jake smile.

"He's such a asshole!" Jake stretched out, feeling his bones crack in his body after a while. Then he decided to drink some of his beer "I regret holding Heeseung back in college when he wanted to hit him."

"What? Heeseung wanted to hit Seungho?" you were shocked by this information, asking Jake what else the boys were hiding from you.

Talking about college was nostalgic for all the things you all experienced together. They were long years together and every moment counted for a lot and strengthened everything you had built up to that point. This made Sunghoon's mind click, looking at Jake as he finished telling a story he'd experienced with Sora where they'd almost broken up because she hadn't let him skip literature class – it was her favorite subject.

"I know it's none of my business, but can I ask you something?" Sunghoon scratched his head for almost two whole weeks at that. Jake even imagined it, so he stifled a smile as you looked at the boy and nodded slowly, smiling lazily as you felt your mouth start to go numb from the beer.

Jake got up to walk the few steps to the cooler where there were more drinks to grab three more beers for him, you and Sunghoon before turning back quickly, just in time to hear the other ask.

"What did you and Heeseung have in university?"

Your neck could break with the speed at which you turned your head to look at Jake.

"What? I didn't say anything at all" he defended himself, raising his hands after sitting down and opening his drink.

What had happened between you and Heeseung in university? That was a while ago, almost two years to be exact, in the last year. You never thought you'd have to relive that thought, even though it came back to you every time you met him. But you tried very hard not to think about it while the boy was around.

Looking at Sunghoon now, you sighed and paid more attention to the can of beer Jake had handed you as you opened it.

"We kissed once—"

"Several times" Jake interrupted you "For almost a year."

Sunghoon laughed at the astonished look you made, and also because Jake was very airy before he got a load of water on his shorts. You mentally thanked for always having a bottle of water nearby when you drank, and now you didn't mind emptying it on your best friend.

"Shut up."

"Tell Sunghoon the truth, you don't have to lie since there's only the three of us here" Jake wanted to scream because the water was freezing his entire thigh due to the wet fabric in contact with his skin.

You laughed a little, pressing your fingers on the can and then looking at Sunghoon.

"We kissed a few times and… That's it."

There was a little silence, but not much because Jake snorted.

"Can I be honest again? For you?" you rolled your eyes, seeing that sparing details of events wouldn't work very well since your friend would tell you everything himself.

"You don't have to if you two don't want to" Sunghoon laughed, finishing his beer "It's just that he tells me some things, just like I tell him too. And just… He told me about you two in college and I wanted to draw some conclusions."

"Which ones?" you asked.

But there was no answer. His complicit look with Sunghoon indicated that the two of them had already had that conversation, all that was needed were a few answers that they were looking for… But which ones? What were the answers they wanted? Because you had no idea.

Getting involved with Heeseung wasn't something you regretted telling no one about. No, on the contrary. It all happened so suddenly that you didn't know how to say it.

The cliché trope of dating your best friend's brother, getting involved, or falling in love, happened long after you met him. And it was so by chance.

It had been two years since you met Hyojin and, consequently, Heeseung too. You knew he'd had lots of girlfriends, and you'd also had a few affairs here and there, but no one ever insisted on the two of you. Jake didn't joke about it when you all went out together and neither did Hyojin smile mischievously at you or her brother when it was just the two of you at the end of the party to leave, since she went with Seungho and Jake went with Sora.

But one day, after an intense week of tests for you and a troubled break-up with Heeseung, everything came together and contributed to you waking up in his bed. That had been the promise of a single night.

That lasted for months, practically a year of involvement between you and him. But that ended suddenly. Heeseung seemed to be afraid of something and you, worried about what he might feel, decided to give him the space he needed. You were both afraid of breaking up with your group of friends, so getting back to normal was a bit difficult for both of you, but in the last year since you finished college, you and Heeseung had done very well in maintaining a friendship, even if you were now being teased by Hyojin and Jake.

This was something you managed – pretended, to be precise – to avoid at all costs. But it was a big lie when your cheeks got hot or when you smiled awkwardly at anything your friends said. Hiding it may have been easy, but not feeling it was even harder.

"Right" Sunghoon sighed after you told him, with Jake's excited help, about your history with Heeseung "After that I concluded that I was right."

"What did we talk about?" Jake asked, seeing the boy agree with a nod and a victorious smile on his lips.

"Okay, gentlemen conversationalists, what were you talking about? May I ask?"

You might if it weren't for the return of the other three friends, soaking wet and giggling while Heeseung, the most provocative, shook his wet hair over Sunghoon.

"Aren't you going in the water?" Hyojin asked as he looked at you, smiling and almost shaking her chin. You laughed and got up from your chair.

"No, and I think you need to dry off or you'll get sick."

"Sick? I never get sick" Heeseung hugged Sunghoon who had stood up, hearing his friend's shout that he didn't want to get his clothes wet.

You rolled your eyes at him, not caring so much about the two of them teasing as you tried to settle down on the pier as best you could. Trying to forget the conversation you had a few minutes ago, while the reason for it was laughing and joking with Sunghoon, who looked at you now and then with a knowing smile.

Coughing. Tremors and a high fever. That's how Heeseung felt at dawn and throughout the day. He didn't want to get sick on his vacation trip, let alone spoil the outing everyone had planned to the nearby town center, where a spring fair was taking place.

He wanted to go along, getting out of bed a few times and being prevented by his grandmother from leaving. Heeseung could cry with the pain in his body as he sat up in bed after Grandma Lee left the room, giving Sunghoon a way in.

"What's up, man?" he sat on the edge of the bed, pressing his lips together to keep from laughing.

"What? Are you going to make fun of me too?" Heeseung coughed.

"I never get sick" Sunghoon tried to imitate Heeseung's voice, failing and laughing immediately afterwards. The other had nothing to object to.

"Seriously, I don't know what happened. What the fuck?" he whimpered as he threw his head back, the tip of his nose red because he'd lost count of how many times he'd blown.

"You dived into the lake at night, that's what happened," Sunghoon warned.

"I'm going to ruin your outing, aren't I? Fuck!" cursed the boy for a moment.

Sunghoon wanted to say no, maybe they could reschedule the tour for another day when Heeseung was feeling better. Especially since there were still many weeks until the end of their vacation, so everyone could go to the nearby city center afterward for the fair they had arranged. But before Sunghoon could even say anything, Heeseung was getting out of bed. With a lot of effort – and a little bit of crying – he leaned on his friend to stand up.

"Let's go to the living room, I think I can go with you."

Sunghoon rolled his eyes at his friend's stubbornness but wanted to let him walk as far as he could on his own to the living room where the whole group of friends were.

"Heeseung!" Hyojin was surprised when his brother reached the room, struggling to walk while coughing now and then.

"I couldn't keep him in the room" Sunghoon whispered.

"One thing you should learn about him is that he's stubborn as a rock" Sora hummed, receiving a roll of the eyes from Heeseung.

"I don't want you to miss the exit for me. I just—"

He raised his arms to signal something, but he was so weak and off balance that if it weren't for you and your body holding him up, Heeseung might fall. Your arms quickly circled his waist while Heeseung wrapped one of his arms around your shoulder, his face close to yours because of the position he was in.

"Are you okay?" he wasn't at all okay with that closeness, and he knew that the hot sensation on your face was a mixture of the fever and how beautiful you were next to him.

"Okay, how about we go later? Let's stay home and…"

"No way" Heeseung interrupted Jake, looking at him with great effort to look away from you at that moment, "I'll feel guilty if you all miss the tour because of me."

And it was true. Everyone knew that Heeseung wouldn't forgive himself for getting sick and making everyone stay because of him.

"I'll stay" you said without much thought.

"What?" Heeseung was the only one who seemed surprised by your decision because the other four smiled at your answer. Almost as if they had expected it.

"Yeah, I'll stay here with you" your voice was soft, almost a melody to Heeseung. You sat him down on the sofa to straighten his body and turned to his friends "You can all go and… I'll stay with Heeseung."

"Y/n" he called without much strength in his voice, you couldn't hear him. You had heard him, but you preferred to ignore it and focus on your friends and how they made sure they had their phones on and were ready to leave wherever they were and go to you and Heeseung.

It didn't take long for your friends to leave for their late afternoon stroll, which could last into the night and even the early hours of the morning, depending on where they had gone.

You didn't know what had made you stay – maybe you did, you just wanted to fool yourself a bit – so you chose to take care of Heeseung the right way. You went to his room and fetched a blanket, stretched it over your legs, and sat down next to him.

"Do you know what time granny Lee measured your fever?" you asked him, waiting for an answer that came in seconds "All right, I'll set the alarm clock to measure it again in a while" you clicked a few times on your cell phone to set the exact time you should measure the temperature again.

Heeseung picked up the remote control on the coffee table and turned on the television, watching something that might be interesting just so he wouldn't be watching you so much while you leaned back on the sofa.

"Do you want anything?" you asked him, engrossed in the old movie he'd decided to leave on since there wasn't much interesting to watch.

"I do, but will you promise not to fight me if I ask?" your stomach almost rolled over at the thought, and you felt your heart racing.

Heeseung noticed the stiffness in his body, knowing what was going through his head. He was going to ask exactly what you were thinking, but he didn't want to make you uncomfortable and it would be too bold after so long. Maybe the fever was messing with his head too much to think such a thing, so he had to act quickly so as not to get into a weird mood afterward.

"I feel like having some whisky" he whispered, "I haven't had any fever medicine yet, so… Could you get me some? Please?"

"Heeseung" you looked at him, the boy feeling his legs go limp with the intensity of your gaze. That would never change for him.

"Just a little, I promise I'll take the medicine later."

Maybe he would take the medicine after you insisted, or maybe he wouldn't and then you could turn to Hyojin to scold him. Either way, you got up and took the bottle of whisky from Heeseung, leaving it on the coffee table and sitting back down next to him.

This could have yielded a single glass, but he drank three. He measured the temperature – which was still high – and went for the fourth glass, but this time you managed to stop him. You pulled away from him while, under protest, you got up to finish Heeseung's drink.

"What… Did you say… Y/n" he whimpered as he quickly got up, falling onto the sofa and pulling the covers over his face.

Covered to the neck, Heeseung looked like a helpless little animal when you sat down next to him.

"I said one glass" you reprogrammed the clock on your cell phone to wake up for the third time and take your temperature again, hoping it had improved at least a little or you'd have to opt for a cold shower. Since Heeseung was drunk and couldn't take any medicine at the moment.

"It's okay, I exaggerated" he confessed.

I'm glad you know, you thought to yourself and let the television and the program playing play their part. Distracting the two of you while the hour passed.

Or at least it should.

Over time, Heeseung's body relaxed and he slid down the upholstery until he had the side of his thigh pressed against yours. You held your breath for a few seconds at the sudden contact but decided to let it pass since it was the only thing you felt from each other before he adjusted himself to sit up straight.

"Can I ask you something?" his voice was deep, his eyes focused on the crime series that was now on television. Heeseung could see the policemen running off without knowing where because their attention was focused on you sitting next to him.

"You can" you replied, looking at Heeseung's profile and holding back a sigh as you analyzed him. The pointed nose, the plump lips that puckered unconsciously as he thought.

You had already seen it up close and from every possible angle, but it was as if he managed to look even more handsome anyway.

"Have you ever really loved someone?" Heeseung's question made you stand still. If you were standing up or doing anything, you'd surely stop abruptly or drop whatever was in your hand in the same second "I mean really love, not be in a passion. I think they're different things, right?"

He stared at you after asking, and you didn't know you could feel your heart almost bursting out of your mouth with Heeseung's eyes so intensely on you.

"Why are you asking me this?" was the only thing that came out of your mouth without your voice sounding shaky and nervous.

Heeseung smiled awkwardly, looking down at his hands, which had pulled the blanket away from his body and even discarded the fabric on the other side of the sofa.

"Because I once asked Jake how you find out if you love someone" he said, "or what the difference is between infatuation and love. Love, really."

"You're not asking that because of the fight you had with Hyojin that day, are you?" it was your turn to ask, clicking in your mind the last heavy event between the Lee brothers. Hyojin had said something about him never being able to love and now with Heeseung's questions, you were starting to get confused, as well as nervous.

"Maybe" he shrugged, sighing quickly.

"Why? Have you ever really loved someone or did they just say it out of the mouth?"

Heeseung didn't want you to have asked that out loud, because he didn't want all the senses in your body to be like a magnet and for him to have slid down the sofa until he was even more glued to your body.

You don't know how or when the boy in front of you tilted his face towards you until Heeseung's warm breath hit your lips. You also don't know how you stood there, letting him come closer and one of his hands fit perfectly on your cheek.

"I never thought I could really love" he whispered, his warm lips sliding teasingly over yours. You fought fiercely against the urge to rush forward and kiss him, but at the same time you had to hold back as much as you could "I never thought I felt that way until—"

The alarm clock startled you both, causing Heeseung to move away so quickly that he almost threw himself across the sofa.

Recovering, you straightened your hair and clicked your phone so that the alarm would stop immediately. Your heart raced as you got up to get the thermometer and take Heeseung's temperature. He didn't take his eyes off you and remained still, knowing that you would do the same until you had finished checking.

"I think it's gone down" you showed him the numbers, seeing that it was a little better than before.

"Great, so can we pick up where we left off?" he grabbed your hand and pulled you closer to him. You wanted to continue, you wanted to hear more about what he had to say, but again the interruption surrounded you.

And this time by a group of friends who had just arrived from the city center.

The days went by without a hitch, without any uncomfortable interaction or even a tense moment between you and Heeseung. Although his words and gestures remained fresh in your mind, he didn't seem to mind treating you normally in front of his friends and sister.

Or at least that's what he wanted you to think. Because every time he went to the bathroom or walked away, you felt like screaming. Once again Heeseung was cowardly enough not to say anything at all to you. Once again he felt like he was picking up sand with his bare hands when he saw you become distant after that day in the living room of his grandmother's house.

Talking to Jake about his feelings and to Sunghoon about doing the right thing only made him feel even more stupid because he did everything the other way around. It wasn't possible that for his friends it was so simple and with him… It just didn't work.

Heeseung wanted to call you for a real talk, to look you in the eye once more and be able to say what he should have said over a year ago before deciding to walk away out of fear. You would laugh in his face and call him a coward just like Jake did. All right, his best friend had done it to lighten the mood after an almost two-hour lecture on how Heeseung hadn't understood any of the signs of feelings.

Clear signs that he really was in love, finally, with the first person in his life.

A long sigh leaves Heeseung's lips as he looks at the scene in front of him. Back on the pier in front of the lake, he preferred to sit on the beach chair and watch from afar. He couldn't help but notice how close Hyojin had become to Sunghoon over the last few days; perhaps it was the conversation or even something else. Neither of them had said anything, but he wasn't going to interfere either, after all, she was an adult and was going through a bad time. Sunghoon could help her in ways that neither he nor Jake could.

And speaking of Jake, he and Sora were frustrated with the attempts at a knitting class you were giving them. The only boy in that class cursed to the heavens when he missed a stitch and Sora undid everything to start again. But Heeseung's attention was on your laughter. How nice it was to hear it every time you tried to comfort them, saying that you'd been through it all years ago when Grandma Lee taught you to knit.

Heeseung remembers. Every little detail of that day and how he sat next to you to learn too. Or to be near you because the other four had gone out in couples and he didn't want to be the only one watching.

You were calm, you were good with the needle and the stitches Grandma was giving you.

"What design do you want me to knit?" you asked him after a few days, learning the basics and doing small things.

"Hm…" Heeseung seemed to think for a moment, looking ahead and focusing on how Jake was desperately shouting for Hyojin to help him down from the tree. He laughed a little along with you before returning his attention to the previous conversation. Heeseung bit his lip as he stared at you, a smile playing on his face as he thought desperately that he could kiss you at that very moment "How about a heart?"

"You want me to knit you a heart? That's fine" and it was then that you practice on the small knitting square was all done in hearts. At Heeseung's request.

He wouldn't tell you that he'd kept the first one you made in his closet drawer, even though Jake had already seen it and Sunghoon too, the last time they got drunk and he told you everything he felt.

"I don't think it's fair, you learned all this stuff in, I don't know… how long?" Jake was angry with himself for not being able to get a single point right.

"Less than a month" Heeseung let slip, not caring about the surprised looks coming from you and Sora "She knitted some hearts and granny was so proud because neither Hyojin nor I could learn. While y/n did it in such a short time."

Now Jake was surprised by the whole thing. Not with the heart information because he had already seen it, but at how it had all come out so casually from Heeseung's lips.

He remembered so many details that if he told them out loud, it might complicate things. Or not, because then you'd know he'd never forgotten.

"I'm so good now that I can knit a cap, for example" you shrugged as you got up from the pier floor, walking in the direction Heeseung was now with Jake. Sora had gone inside to get a coat.

"Do you have black lines?" Heeseung asked.

You looked for a while at some scraps you had in your hands, but none of them were black threads. Then, smiling awkwardly, you denied it.

"When we get back I can buy some and you can make one for me?"

"Sure" you smiled so beautifully that he clutched the arms of his chair tightly to stop himself from getting up and grabbing you right there.

"Dude, be less obvious" Jake said after you had followed the same path as Sora into the house, probably putting away your knitting things since you didn't need to leave everything there anymore.

"With what?" Heeseung asked.

"I don't know, with all this longing for y/n" he shrugged and then relaxed "If you haven't said anything about how you feel, I guess you could try going slowly."

Heeseung remained quiet, watching as Sunghoon's arm circled Hyojin's shoulders and she snuggled close to him.

"All this time you've been giving me advice and I just can't follow it" he laughed humorlessly, his fingers softening on the arms of the chair and his whole body relaxed against the backrest. Heeseung closed his eyes.

"Because you're a jerk and you're afraid of what you might hear from her" Jake mirrored his friend's actions, laying his head on the back of the chair and closing his eyes "I'll never get tired of repeating that" he whispered, opening one of his eyes to see if either of you were coming back from the house. Taking advantage of the fact that they weren't, he continued: "I almost peed my pants when I confessed my feelings for Sora. My heart raced so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack."

And that really was it. Jake told that story and wasn't ashamed if it meant he could help Heeseung with how he felt about you. Sometimes he knew that he felt the same way about Jake just by being in his presence, but it seemed as if the words were disappearing from his mouth.

"So she said she felt the same way and look where we are now."

"You're both beautiful, dude" Heeseung said sincerely, he loved his friends.

"And you and y/n too" he said back "I love you both and together with Hyojin I hope every day that this will be resolved soon" Jake straightened up in his chair and turned his face towards his friend, biting his lower lip to suppress a smile "You just have to take the initiative and make it work. You won't lose another year for fear of what might happen."

Lose another year. Heeseung didn't want it to be that long, he didn't think he could bear to be around you for another year without doing anything. Especially after what happened in the living room of his grandmother's house during the vacations.

He had to do something.

Getting back into the routine of work wasn't so bad, even with the day-to-day rush and even some unforeseen events in the sectors where they worked. It wasn't out of the ordinary and was soon resolved.

You were happy when you started seeing Sunghoon more often when he showed up at your apartment saying he wanted to take Hyojin out for coffee. Or even calling you for dinner somewhere because he didn't want to go home yet.

Sunghoon called you a few times too, but you knew it was only out of cordiality and you politely declined invitations to stay in the comfort of your apartment. Texting Jake and telling him about the – again – casual meeting they were having.

Hyojin deserved to be well somehow. And even if it was casual, it was going into the second month in the blink of an eye. Now she was able to show Sunghoon a little more affection in front of her friends and brother, hugging him from behind when he was sitting at the dinner table. Or letting him kiss her forehead in an act of affection when they were standing in line at the amusement park waiting for their ride.

Sora and Heeseung thought it was so cute the way the two of them were treating each other. You and Jake, on the other hand, liked to make fun of her because you heard Hyojin whining that she would never allow herself to sigh for another man. But it turned out that Sunghoon was another man and he was taking very good care of her.

Given the clichéd circumstances, Heeseung sat face to face with Sunghoon one day, listing all the atrocities he would do to his friend if he hurt his sister's heart which was still being mended.

Sunghoon, for the first time, spoke with conviction that he wouldn't do any of those things. Without mentioning the word casual or saying that they were just friends. Sunghoon agreed with everything Heeseung was saying and thanked him for his trust because he knew that, if his friend didn't do such an atrocity, he still had Jake and you to complete the job. Along with Sora who could very well devise an evil plan because he knew what she was capable of.

"She wouldn't do that, would she?" Sunghoon asked the two boys one day when they were all sitting around the dining table in their apartment because Hyojin had decided to cook. She had gone to the bathroom and Sora went over a plan in which she would pluck out every strand of his hair, depending on his mood; with a machine or tweezers.

Heeseung and Jake laughed nervously, denying it immediately.

"It would, and I think it would help in the process" you smiled at him, seeing him wince and try to say something.

But you all knew that Sunghoon wouldn't do anything to harm Hyojin because he started to like her. It was all so natural that the next thing he knew, he was confessing his feelings after four months of being together and she – for all his happiness – was feeling safe to say the same.

Hyojin was still afraid of what had happened to her, but after talking for hours with Heeseung – he ended up confessing how felt about you too – it led to a long time of crying, a huge apology and she encouraging him to talk to you. Then he encouraged she to give herself to Sunghoon little by little and if she was afraid, she could go back.

And that's what she was doing, gradually letting go as the relationship stabilized.

"I think I'm having a dejavú" Hyojin sighed as she filled wine glass, handing it to you and then filling hers too.

"Really? Why?" you drank a little, feeling the bitter taste of the dry wine run down your tongue. You used to prefer mellow, but today it was your best friend who chose it.

"The two of us, glasses of wine, here in the kitchen" she looked around and so did you, laughing as you remembered the six bottles you'd bought last time "Now we're here and I'm happy to be drinking."

"And I want it to always be like this" you confessed.

The smile on your face only showed that you were telling the truth. Not only you, but all your friends wanted Hyojin to be feeling well.

"Oh, it's Sunghoon" she said to you when her cell phone started ringing, asking for a moment before she could answer it. Talking to him for a while, you didn't even pay much attention to the conversation, too focused on your glass and how much the bitterness of the wine was starting to taste.

You even poured a little more and started drinking again.

"So?" you asked when she hung up.

"He and the boys want to go out clubbing" Hyojin drank all of her wine, refilling her glass "They asked us to come along."

"Now?" Hyojin nodded in agreement before going back to drinking.

"I'll stay here if you don't want to go" she shrugged quickly.

You had no business going out, especially since you were starting to get hot from the wine. It would even be more fun to be with the boys, although you also loved Hyojin's company – so much so that you lived together – but with more people, it would always be nice.

So you didn't have long to think about whether or not to go, finish off the bottle of dry wine, and run to your rooms to change.

In record time you and Hyojin were at the door of the nightclub and met Sora waving in the queue, running up to her so that she could hug you both at once.

"Are they inside?" Hyojin asked.

"Yes, I was saving a place for you two in the queue" she smiled, keeping her arm around you while Hyojin touched up her lipstick "They arrived not even twenty minutes ago."

The music was muffled outside, but as soon as you entered, the loudness of the speakers gave you the sensation that every organ in your body was vibrating.

Hyojin exchanged a message with Jake to see where they were and could find them without too much effort. The boy soon replied to the location and the three of you went to meet them.

Sliding past dancing bodies, drunk people, and false advances that Sora was expert at deflecting, either by being very direct and saying no thank you or simply pushing the inconvenient person who was trying at all costs to get into the pants of one of the three of you.

"We're here" Sunghoon waved from the table near the bar where only he and Jake were standing. You didn't even realize it when you approached them.

You and Sora greeted Sunghoon first and you quickly went to hug Jake, so they could greet their girlfriends with more delay than they wanted. Jake and Sora were already a common sight for all of you, but seeing Hyojin kiss Sunghoon right in front of your eyes was something new. Cute, and it couldn't go unnoticed.

You and Jake made fake vomiting noises while you could see Sunghoon's smile against Hyojin's lips before he stopped kissing you.

"You two are horrible" Sora tapped Jake on the shoulder to scold him, then glared at you.

It was then that they realized Heeseung was missing. If the boys had called everyone together, he would have been there. And indeed he was.

But your eyes couldn't believe that his hand was holding a woman's waist while she whispered something in his ear.

Your bile could be felt from your throat and you swore that the dizziness you felt could well have been from the wine earlier, but no. Why did you have to feel this way just now? Just at this moment. You've been out with your friends so many times and Heeseung was there, why did it have to be like this?

The only one to notice your discomfort was Jake, because the others got into such a lively conversation that they didn't even notice you standing there and looking in the direction your best friend was looking. He came closer, slipping one of his arms around yours to entwine them.

"It's not that, y/n" he said.

"I'm seeing it with my own eyes" you said back, pressing your lips together as Jake started to lead you towards the bar.

But before you could get there, Heeseung broke away from the girl and turned around so quickly that he almost crashed into you and Jake.

"Y/n" he ignored his friend's presence completely.

Jake took that warning as a cue to let go of your arm and get drinks, leaving the two of you standing there. He handed you a glass and left with two others, probably for Sora and Hyojin, you didn't even remember if he'd said anything before returning to the table.

Heeseung's eyes were on you the whole time, not saying a word as he alternated between looking at you and your mouth.

"I dismissed her" he said after a while, a little too loudly because of the music playing, afraid that you wouldn't hear him.

You didn't know why he had said it and you didn't know why it had, in a way, relieved your racing heart.

"You…"

"Hand around the waist? Whisper in the ear?" he ran one hand through his hair, easily messing up the strands that were beginning to grow "I held her because she almost fell, and she was whispering about how faithful I was to my girlfriend. That she admired that because she couldn't find a guy like that."

"Your girlfriend?" you frowned and felt like an idiot grimacing because the laugh Heeseung let out at that moment just made you want to disappear.

You had shown jealousy indirectly, and yet he had noticed.

The boy then approached you, took the glass from your hand, and drank some of the drink Jake had chosen for you. He then leaned close enough to brush his lips against yours, which were so cold from the drink that you almost moaned at the contact.

"Not officially yet" he said, sliding his mouth down to kiss the corner of your lips.

Before you could say anything else, Heeseung grabbed your free hand to pull you back to the table. Heading back to his friends to enjoy the rest of the evening.

Heeseung was determined. He couldn't wait any longer to tell you everything he felt for you. The day at the nightclub had made it clear that, at the very least, you felt something for him.

Attraction, passion, love. He didn't know. But there was something inside you that screamed his name somehow, and Heeseung wanted to find out.

Encouraged by Jake and Sunghoon, he finally rushed out of the house. As he stopped by the store to buy the pretext for that conversation, he sent a message to Hyojin.

I'm going out with Sunghoon, the apartment is all yours… Except my room! He laughed as he passed the cashier and paid for everything before getting in his car and driving to where you lived.

This should have happened a while ago, he couldn't have waited that long because the fear was still eating away at him. What if you could have cooled your feelings for him and confused everything? Maybe Heeseung had misunderstood and you only had a little empathy for him. Would empathy be right? Would empathy let him almost kiss you, touch your face, and brush his lips against yours?

No, Heeseung. He didn't want to sabotage himself so soon before he was standing in front of your apartment door.

His trembling fingers rang the doorbell and balanced the bag he was carrying.

Your footsteps could be heard from inside the apartment, followed by I'm coming, which you answered, probably putting something away or straightening up before opening the door.

Heeseung didn't hold back a loud sigh when he saw you. You looked beautiful. Even wearing sweatpants and a blue tank top that he remembered well – the tank top of the friendship between you and Hyojin. It was the color you two shared, by the way.

"Heeseung?" you were surprised to see him, but you still made way for him to enter.

"I thought… Well…" he took a deep breath, thinking about Jake's words.

Try it, man. Say everything you feel.

And then the little lecture Sunghoon gave him two days ago.

If you don't, you'll never know how she feels. And worse, you'll live with the ghost of a relationship that could be working just because you're afraid to acknowledge that, finally, you know what love is.

"I thought you could knit my cap now" he held up the bag, pulling out the black threads he had said a long time ago "Would you mind?"

Your broad smile indicated that, of course, you would never mind doing this for him.

"You've come at a good time, by the way" Heeseung sat down on the sofa while you picked up the bag to look at the things he had brought. Your smile still lingered as he remembered all the sewing details he could buy, even the support – which you had – to put on your thumb so it wouldn't hurt while knitting.

"Have I arrived? Why?" he asked, turning to you as you sat down next to him on the sofa.

"I ordered food" it was Heeseung's turn to smile broadly "Hyojin's out and I didn't want to cook, so I guess I ordered too much. Or enough for both of us."

For both of us. Referring to Heeseung as a collective together with you made his heart race in such a silly way that he swore he was shaking a little. Then he sighed, nodding in agreement when you told him to wait.

Would go upstairs to get your needles and whatever else was missing, which he hadn't remembered to buy so that you could start sewing the knitted cap.

He didn't want to get in the way of your sewing, so he was in charge of doing everything while you started.

It was Heeseung who went downstairs to get the food when you arrived. He was the one who set up the coffee table in the living room with all the utensils for the two of you to eat and he was the one who washed the dishes and got two bottles of beer from the fridge for the two of you to drink after eating.

His eyes met yours a few times while you stopped knitting, paying attention to the movie in front of you or what he had said about something from the day. It wasn't insignificant, but Heeseung couldn't think of much to tell you.

He wanted to talk about how his day at work had gone, but mostly he lamented how he felt like a coward and how Sunghoon cursed at him until it was time to leave. With Jake then? He couldn't tell you that he almost got beaten up by his best friend because Heeseung said he'd give up, let you live in peace, and wouldn't go after you to make you suffer.

So he only told you superficially, how it had been at work, how he almost broke the diffuser he'd won from Sora for a bet they'd made – he'd gotten sick eating four snacks in a row – and how he needed a cap. Heeseung could buy anyone at the store, but having an initial reason to come to your apartment and talk to you seemed more convincing in his mind than simply picking up any ready-made cap.

Not to mention that it would have a whole feeling because it had been made by you. By your hands. The hands he kept looking at while traced stitches and knots, wound the thread, and held the wooden knitting needle tightly.

"Is it okay if it's not ready today?" you asked, catching Heeseung off guard by hearing your voice so suddenly. He knew you had caught him staring at your hands, so all he could do was swallow and go back to watching the TV.

"Yeah" he replied briefly, letting all the air out of his lungs before saying, "Because I came to talk to you, the cap was just a pretext."

You didn't have to be a good reader to know that you had stopped all your sewing to look at him at that moment. Heeseung didn't want to move at all, let alone look at you while he heard his name called a few times.

What do you mean by a pretext? Was he just going to say that and be quiet, without answering any calls of his name?

You got tired of calling his name for the fourth time and decided to get up, dropping the needles and everything else you were holding, deciding to get another drink or anything that would keep you focused other than on the man who was ignoring you.

"Go Heeseung, you can do it" he said to himself as he punched the sofa cushions uselessly before getting up "Jake did it, Sunghoon is doing it… It's your turn!" he uttered those words as he walked to the kitchen in the slowest steps he had ever taken in his life.

Not even a boring college class could make him walk as slowly as he did. Heeseung felt pathetic for that.

Leaning against the doorframe, he could observe you a little more closely. Your fingertips played through your hair while the freshly opened bottle of beer sat on the kitchen counter. You tidied up the strands, loosening them and letting them cascade down your shoulders and back. You now held the beer bottle to your lips and took a long sip, as if it would help you relax while you finished swallowing and turned away.

"Fuck, Heeseung" he laughed, disentangling yourself from the doorframe to take a few slow steps toward him.

He didn't approach slowly, but close enough to get to you.

"I'm sorry, I—" he took a deep breath, alternating his gaze between your lips and your eyes. This didn't go unnoticed by you, but you decided not to say anything and just let him finish speaking "I just want to talk to you and I don't know where to start."

You laughed humorlessly, picking up the beer bottle again and taking another sip.

"How about the beginning?" the lazy smile, the shrug, and the lips pink from the pressure of the bottle made Heeseung sigh. It was now or never.

Then he came close enough to use one hand to grab your waist, pulling you towards him. The other went quite freely to the bottle you were holding so that he could drink, finishing off the contents in just three sips.

It wasn't a time for protest, but he knew you'd swear at him if you had the chance.

With a remnant of courage and his hand still on your waist, Heeseung used what strength he had to pick you up and sit you on the kitchen worktop, being able to stand between your legs and at the perfect height to lean over and get his face close to yours.

"Okay, we started in our last year of university, then" he said, this time staring into your eyes as he began to explain himself.

Heeseung had his first girlfriend when he was fifteen. An elementary school girl he met through some friends and suddenly they were together. Everything was going so well in their relationship until the girl told him she loved him. He could have said it back or even said it wasn't the time to say it back, but instead, Heeseung laughed. He didn't know if it was out of nervousness or because he found it bizarre that one person loved another like that, but he laughed. And that was the first time someone had broken up with him like that.

During high school, he also had other relationships. The brief ones couldn't be counted because there was no intense feeling, but the girls he spent a good few months with could all be considered to have ended the same way.

"I love you, Heeseung" they would say, their gaze not lying. A glow so intense and beautiful, Heeseung was envious because he felt that they all loved him.

"I… I'm sorry" was one of the answers he gave, if he could. Because silence often resulted in a slap or relentless tears that he couldn't get them to stop.

In university, his biggest disappointment was a few months before he had a relationship with you. Heeseung seemed to like his girlfriend, because he introduced her to everyone. Even you knew her, letting the girl join you for lunch a few times just because she wanted to be close to Hyojin.

Heeseung looked smitten in the eyes of all of you, telling you how much he liked her and how special she was. But as soon as those three words came out of his mouth, he froze.

It wasn't possible that a simple I love you could send Heeseung into a panic. This time he was sensible enough to talk to her and tell her that he didn't feel the same way.

At least she didn't slap you, he remembers Sora saying when he was crying in Jake's apartment, a week before he went to that party.

Maybe love wasn't for him and that was okay. All was not lost because Heeseung had managed to live well up to that point and he couldn't let it ruin his last year of university and, consequently, his future. So he decided that he would have fun, be with his friends, and not care about anything until he had to.

Waking up with you in his bed had been a shock because the two of you had known each other since the early days. You were Hyojin's best friend, you always treated him well and you respected Heeseung just as he respected you all the time. Perhaps circumstances led you both to do it and the relief that came when neither of you regretted it was indescribable. Then it happened again. Again and again it became so frequent that the two of you began to relate to each other beyond partying and drinking.

More often than not, you'd wake up in Heeseung's bed and he'd stay at your university apartment for a few days to sleep with you or just hang out.

You two are dating indirectly, Hyojin joked, which neither you nor he denied. So it went on until Heeseung felt strange. He felt an absurd need to be with you, his heart would race just to see you or feel you.

Of course, this was normal when you liked someone, Heeseung had already felt something like this… Hadn't he? No! He'd never felt it at that intensity.

"Jake, I need help" he punched the door to his best friend's room, grateful enough that it was open and he was alone, otherwise it would have been bad to ask Sora to leave because he needed to cry a little in Jake's bed.

"What happened?" the boy asked laughingly, but then began to worry because Heeseung seemed to be short of breath "Shit, dude. Breathe with me, okay?" he shook Heeseung with a notebook that was on his computer desk.

He seemed to be hyperventilating as he tried to breathe, counting in and out as Jake accompanied him. After a while he managed to calm down, sitting down on Jake's bed and watching his friend pick up the gaming chair to sit in front of him, the subject began.

"How do I feel when I love someone?" he asked.

"Heeseung" Jake said "Aren't you confusing feeling with passion again? I told you they're different things—"

"No bro, it's serious" Heeseung's eyes were already watering, not believing what was finally coming out of his mouth "How do I know that what I feel for y/n is love? Because I'm scared…"

Jake smiled broadly, explaining it to him in the next second.

Neurochemically, the brain reacts to the action by changing certain neurotransmitters. We then have an increase in dopamine, as well as rising levels of endorphin and oxytocin, the hormone of love, which increases feelings of attachment, well-being, and security.

Heeseung looked at Jake adoringly, listening to him explain everything he wanted to understand. It was as if he were at a consult with doctor Jake Sim.

There are also some signs, not neurochemically speaking, but which say a lot about how you found love. For example, you both feel comfortable even when you're silent. You make her feel good, in every way. And she does the same with you. You both feel free to be who you are, without fear of judgment or any bad thoughts. You always see her as one of your priorities or she does the same for you. You both admire each other. There's no room for jealousy – at this point, Heeseung sniffled a little – you don't think about what your old relationships were like either. And, most importantly.

That pause made Heeseung freeze, Jake's smile never leaving his face as he slid the gaming chair until he was kneeling next to Heeseung.

"It's the first time you've felt like this."

He knew it was. He knew that, for the first time, he felt like he loved someone.

Because everything happened so naturally. The casual way you treated him, the way you took care of him even though you didn't need to, and how you understood how he felt. It was strange that you cared so much about him like that, or took care of him down to the smallest detail.

Heeseung couldn't tell Jake how it happened when the exact moment was that he started to love you. If it was because you listened to everything he had to say and, even though you didn't understand, you smiled and asked him. You asked him to explain and took an interest in subjects that Heeseung swore no one liked to hear him talk about.

Or he fell in love because you had the best kiss, the best touch, the best sex, the best connection that anyone had with him.

Heeseung didn't know. He could have fallen in love with you when he laid his head on your shoulder in the college library, feeling you stroke his hair while you finished an extremely boring report. But still taking the time to cuddle him without any shame when Sora and Hyojin were sitting right in front of you. Or when you fought with Hyojin not to eat the ramen you'd bought, but as soon as he arrived saying he was hungry, it was the first thing you cooked for him.

Heeseung simply didn't know. It had just happened and he was sure of it.

"So that time I got weird and we drifted apart, it was because I got scared" he played with his fingers on your sweatshirt-covered thigh. You listened intently as you gazed into his eyes, too inviting to look away "I didn't know how to act and I thought it would be better to get away because if I found out what I felt, I didn't want to know if you didn't feel the same or not."

"Why?" he heard your voice for the first time since he started talking.

"Because then I'd be feeling everything those girls felt when they confessed that they loved me, and I know how much that must have hurt" Heeseung pressed his lips together, a little nervously as he lowered his gaze to your mouth, looking into your eyes again "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"For loving me?" you asked.

He denied it quickly, smiling simply as he rested his hands on the bench next to you.

"For running away. For being afraid and being a coward who couldn't bear the weight of loving someone for the first time."

As he spoke, you just nodded at every word he heard. Heeseung started to get even more nervous because nothing came out of your mouth apart from the questions he had asked and that could be interpreted as something negative. At least he had gotten everything out in the open and explained it in time.

"Can you say something? Even if it's to curse me, please" the plea was so cute that you laughed. The same action he did when someone confessed to loving him for the first time. Heeseung was almost peeing his pants like Jake when he talked to Sora, so he was really on the right track, he just needed to control himself a little.

"So can I curse you for taking so long?"

"You can" he said too quickly, mentally cursing himself for it because he sounded so desperate to hear your laugh again.

You didn't want to curse him, in fact, just watch how cute he was when he was nervous. But that would be too much torture and the pout he was making was already too kissable right in front of you.

Raising one hand to find his cheek, smoothing the skin with your thumb, you leaned in close enough to touch your lips to his. Heeseung whimpered in surprise at finally feeling that touch he had been longing for.

His hands grabbed your waist and pulled you tightly against his body at the same moment that the passage was given way and the two of you could intertwine your tongues.

The kiss, although full of longing, contained a slowness and sensuality that only the kiss shared with Heeseung could have. It was as if you were kissing him for the first time and all the flashbacks of all the kisses they had shared were running through your mind and him.

"Y/n…" he whispered against your lips after a while to catch his breath, his hands still on your waist while yours played with your hair and slid down to the nape of your neck.

"Yes?" you whispered back, feeling him brush his red, moist lips against yours once more.

"I love you" that phrase said for the first time to the person he was so sure of his feelings for. He just hadn't counted on it being in the kitchen of your house, of course, but the place was the least of it. As long as you were the one who heard it while he finished kissing you, everything made sense to him.

"Say it again, please" you asked.

Heeseung moved one of his hands up to the back of your neck, sliding his fingertips up to grab a good amount of your hair as gently as he could. He guided you so that he could kiss you again, this time with more intensity and urgency, pressing his lips and tongue together.

That way you knew he wanted to say everything at once. That he loved you, that he missed you, and that he wanted to apologize for the lost time. And you accepted it all because you were there with him.

"I love you, y/n" he said against your lips, panting and smiling as he slid his mouth over yours. "I love you so much" he kissed your skin, making your whole body shiver.

"I love you, Heeseung" you also whispered, feeling him squeeze the hand that remained around your waist and pressing you even tighter against him as if he wanted to merge your bodies into one.

Heeseung brought his face close to yours again, leaning his forehead against yours and smiling.

"You…"

"I love you" you repeated "I really love you."

"Then stay with me" Heeseung kissed your lips "To make up for how stupid I was to let you get away, I don't want it to happen again."

"You were an stupid" he murmured and you laughed against his mouth, watching him pull away enough to look at you. "But I'd be even more of an stupid to deny it."

"So we're together?" he almost shouted with happiness when you agreed, picking you up off the worktop and walking with you through the apartment to your bedroom.

"Yes, we are."

"And we're going to stay that way" he put you down as soon as he entered your room, looking you up and down and licking his lips at the sight "Because I love you and I want to remind you of that every day."

You were sure he would; with words, attitudes, anything that made you feel loved. And of course, you would do the same for him. Because you loved Lee Heeseung, just as he loved you.

#enhypen #enhypen fluff #heeseung fluff #enhypen heeseung #enhypen angst #enhypen au #enhypen scenarios #heeseung angst #lee heeseung fluff #lee heeseung angst #enhypen masterlist #enhypen x reader #heeseung fanfics #heeseung x reader #lee heeseung x reader #enhypen imagines #bay writes.

295 notes · View notes

thedollhousediaries · 1 year

Text

The Dollhouse Diaries

Real Life In Plastic Tip #6:

ෆTime Management for Neurodivergent Girly Girls and Boujie Hyperfemmesෆ

This is the pretty girl era of having time management under control. The key is to learn how to live in the moment while also being discipline enough to move on to the next task as needed. I know that sentence was as daunting to read as it was for me to write ૮꒰ྀི⊃⸝ ⸝ ⸝⊂꒱ྀིა I guarantee I gotcha *Chaeyoung voice*

First Things First: Go 1 Week At a Time!! (every 3 days if an entire 7 is too much or your schedule is unpredictable, like mine)

Build a simple list of all the things you have to do and that you would like to do. Its much easier to get it all out on the table so you can donate more of your brain power to sorting things, rather than holding things.

Put all of the things listed on a calendar: Most important first things first! This means things like health appointments,work schedule, birthdays, holidays that you celebrate, classes, or anything that involves not only your time but other’s as well. Then after that put the elective things second; Nail appointments, shopping trips, dates with friends, etc. Lastly, put the things you would like to incorporate into your daily routine; We talking skincare, any hobbies you may have like drawing/painting/sculpting/reading/blogging, any form of exercise, etc.

Once the week or however much time you have scheduled out is done on your overall calendar, then its time for marrying it to your life.

Marrying your schedule: Planner apps, Physical Planner, Dry Erase Boards and Bullet Journals

Choosing your medium at keeping up with your schedule is very important. You may have to try them all before you get comfortable with something. I have tried them all and I’ve found that the main one that truly stuck with me was the app/website Notion. I like it because its fully customizable and you can use it at your own pace. Every week or every day may not be super eventful and so it drops the guilt and shameful feeling of not filling up pages every single day.

Here is what all I use and the way I use them:

Notion <3 I use it as my overall journal. I use the apps on my ipad/phone to check if I’m not home and I can use the website on my PC when I’m home and relaxing. I like it because its very versatile. Think of it as a digital journal combined with similar mechanics of tumblr. I use it for literally everything. There are a lot of videos that can show off all of the cool things Notion can be used for but this is the video that personally helped me learn it quickly

Bullet Journals <3 I have about 3 journals and I love them because I get to customize things with cute stickers and it gives very fun scrapbooking vibes. Because I use Notion as a all over planner I can use my BUJO’s for more fun and creative things. I usually use these for all of my cute ideas and things thats in my mind and aesthetic wishlists and such. Its very therapeutic to take time out to be kawaii and glamorous and just put cute thoughts on to paper! I mainly use it for kpop inputs, my fav shows, wishlists, dates and etc.

Dry erase board <3 I use this as a overall daily top important to-do list! Sometimes I dont always open my notion if I dont have anything extremely important coming up but there may be some things I need to keep on my mind to do for that day. The way my neurodivergency is set up I need to keep the most important things always in my face or I could forget everything. So, I put things on there like get a new tire, pick up order from bath & bodyworks, put clothes in the dryer, wash dishes, and etc. Daily tasks like that usually goes on my dry erase board

Remember at the end of the day dont be too hard on yourself and your schedule! Move at your own pace and always set yourself up for success. Scheduling is ideally suppose to calm you and be a tool to improve your life; not stress you out. If at any point you begin to feel overwhelmed just stop and recenter yourself and your life. I felt overwhelmed at first myself and that was because I was trying to keep up with a hyper organized and productive version of myself that I needed to give more patience to develop. Let this come organically to you and not because you are trying to keep up with what u feel everyone else is doing, or to the future self you are going to inevitably become. Happy scheduling, Dollmate!

#dollhouse dairies #doll advice #bimbydoll diaries #nuerodivergent #neurospicy #adhd #advice #pink aesthetic #soft aesthetic #journaling #bujospo #girl blogger #notion #y2k aesthetic

757 notes · View notes

crookedkryptonitebeliever · 8 months

Text

It was only supposed to be a One night stand (part 7)

Tw: dubcon (towards Montgomery), yandere shenanigans, short chapter

Will u guys tip me if i set the Tumblr tipping system up

part 8

It was a long trip. It still is going on.

Montgomery parked his car perfectly within the box, you panned to the side window to see an old, run-down diner. But it's obviously still popular as the parking lot is mostly filled.

Snow coated the ground and on the cars, you're glad that you wore extra layers.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and rushed out of his door. Montgomery ran to the passenger side and opened the door for you, just like usual.

Montgomery offered his hand for you to take, you pretended not to see it as you exit the car yourself. He lets hid hand drop to his side as disappointment flashed across his face.

He opened the door for you, letting you enter before himself. Montgomery asked you where you wanted to sit, you chose the table nearest to you. He rushed over to pull your seat out, Montgomery waited for you to sit on it before gently pushing you towards the table.

You think he has this, almost cartoonish idea of being a gentleman. You appreciate it, but as a city person in this day and age, you're finding it... unusual.

You picked up the menu and scanned through it. Montgomery didn't, he just stared at you dreamily. Even if it's been close to a year, he was still madly in love with you, finding everything you do amazing and arousing.

Or maybe it's the fact that you both fucked like rabbits in the motel last night. Contributing to their dubious stains on the sheets, walls and carpets. The friction was keeping you warm on these winter nights, so you kept going even way past the point of overstimulation for Montgomery. He had tears in his eyes and begged you to stop, but you didn't. He pleaded and pleaded, even weakly trying to push you away until he passed out, then you stopped.

You woke up to him being extra cuddly and affectionate, much to your surprise. You thought he would be at least a little upset that you practically forced yourself onto him last night. He disregarded your apology and said it was the best night of his life and that you were stunning from below.

He tried initiating another session, but you said that you were hungry. Montgomery agrees and decides to pack up for the next stop.

The waitress came by and took your orders. He ordered deep fried chicken on a bed of sugary waffles, smothered in syrup and drenched in a river of butter. At 9 in the morning. You ordered something else, if you wanted some cardiac arresting agents, you could always steal from his plate.

Once the waitress leaves, his attention is promptly brought back to you.

"I love you." He leaned forward and whispered. A wide smile appears on his face.

You waited. Scrolling through your phone endlessly as he observes you, stroking your free hand with his thumb.

"I can't wait for ya' to meet my ma and pa." He spoke, loud enough to pierce through the chatter in the diner, but quiet enough to not draw any attention.

You looked up at him, thinking this will lead to him telling something about himself.

"They'll love ya', sweetheart." He continued.

You told him that you bet he told the same thing to the rest of his exes.

He frowned and stopped caressing your hand.

"I... I ain't got any exes. You're my first everything, remember?"

You find that hard to believe. You said that he isn't bad looking, he's tall and strong, he must have some going after him.

He shook his head.

"Nobody wanted me around. I reckon they thought I was some dumb Hillbilly spreadin' some... ridiculous disease."

You asked who told him that.

"Most of em'." He looked uncomfortable, beginning to clam up and look away from you.

You asked about the people in his hometown. Surely, he must have at least a fling or two, right?

"All the pretty boys snatched them all up. Leavin' none for uglies like me." He touched his face and darted his eyes away from the reflective surface of the window.

You decided to bring the topic about last night up again. Recognizing that you have gone too far and you should have stopped when he said no.

"You did nothin' wrong!" He cut you off mid sentence. "I was happy." Montgomery enveloped your hands with his, setting your phone aside. "You make me happy..."

He brought your knuckles to his lips, kissing it before pressing the back of your palm against his cheek. "No one has ever wanted me like this. You're my first, and my last."

His last? It's definitely too soon to say. Montgomery doesn't think so.

"You're my one and only. I don't want anyone else." He tenderly nibbled on your fingers.

Maybe it's not a good time to break it to him that he's not your first and certainly not your last.

The conversation was interrupted when the waitress arrived to place the dishes down. It was of monstrous proportions and you doubt you can even finish your own plate, seeing how it's swimming in it's own puddle of grease.

He cuts a piece into his stack of waffles and stabbed a gigantic piece of chicken with his fork. Instead of eating it, he placed it on your already full plate.

"It's real good, try it." He smiled. "Lemme know if you want more."

You will definitely tell him, alright.

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere oc #yandere male #yandere concept #tw yandere #yandere x you #yandere oc x reader #male yandere oc x reader #oc Montgomery #tw dubcon #tw dubious consent

99 notes · View notes

beautifulcrayola · 1 year

Text

Praise

This is dedicated to the fantastic, incomparable @gretavanlace

3 things: I am very very bad at using Tumblr on desktop, you will have to forgive me for the kinks until I get this figured out. 2. THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD. I told Lace it would be out tonight and I’m trying to make good on my promise. 3. I have like 7 other things up my sleeves with the other boys so please please please let me know if you enjoy this. Ok, I love ya, enjoy!

Warnings: SMIUT (18+, minors DNI), unprotected sex, (wrap it before you tap it), nipple play (very briefly) cunninlingus. (I feel I'm missing a few things cause I forgot what wrote already, but it’s dirty, so mind ya eyes)

“All I’m saying is if you throw her over your shoulder and take her upstairs, she’ll do whatever you want her to do,” Sam grabs the beer to tip it up to his mouth as Danny grabs it to put it back down.

“Think you’ve had enough, kid.”

Sam immediately turns to you and Jake to pout, “Jake, tell him give it back.” Jake chuckles lowly at his little brother, slurring his words and pitching a fit like a 2 year old.

“No, no, little brother, I think Danny may have a point.” Jake grabs the glass from in front of him and pushes it towards you, just far enough out of Sam’s reach.

Sam slumps his shoulders and leans back into the booth. Danny turns to him and chuckles slightly, “We have to go anyways, dumbass over here broke one of the brand new bass amps and his punishment tomorrow is getting up bright and early to fix it.” Sam tries to protest, saying he’s fine and can go another round or two, but the alcohol has settled quickly, his eyes drooping as he hiccups.

Danny rolls his eyes as he settles back on you and Jake, “You need to start paying me to take care of him or I’ll make Josh do it from now on.”

Jake groans, “no, I’ll cough up the money as long as I don’t have to hear Josh bitch and moan about how San cockblocks him constantly.”

“I am not a cockblock,” Sam mumbles out, half asleep and somehow still coherent. Jake and Danny laugh out loud, knowing all too well that this was untrue. They’ve all fallen victim to Sam’s drunk antics more than enough times to know cockblocking was one of the things Sam truly excelled at.

Danny grabs the younger boy by the arm, pulling him out of the booth and hoisting him up on his shoulder, “We’ll see you in the morning, Jake. Take care, love.”

You and Jake had not been dating long, meeting at the end of the Dreams in Gold tour when he was running out of a small guitar shop, knocking straight into you and spilling your coffee. Ever the gentleman he was, he immediately took you to the nearest store to buy you another outfit and another coffee on which he wrote down his phone number on the brown coffee sleeve.

Coming to Nashville had been a surreal experience for you, never one to just take a three week vacation from your job to travel, especially for any kind of partner and especially not one that you’ve only been seeing for a couple of months. But Jake was adamant, he wanted you to meet Danny and his brothers before they dove straight back into touring.

“I’m gonna close out the tab, little love.” he pecks your nose as he climbs out of the booth. You smile fondly at him as you grab your purse and phone, waiting for him to return from the crowded bar. When he comes back, he holds out his hand, intertwining his fingers with yours.

Piling out onto the streets of Nashville, he holds your hand thumb rubbing over yours every so often. His hands calloused and warm from playing the guitar, sets a fire alight inside your belly. It’s not that you didn’t wanna have sex. You definitely did, it’s really that you never had time. Jake immediately got off tour and started promoting another album, being thrust into the world of his job and you, well, you were not going to push it.

“Baby doll, what are you thinking about?’ He squeezes your hand, bringing it up to his lips to kiss it.

“Me? Oh, nothing important. Just admiring the chaos of the city.” He smiles warmly at you, “I ordered the Uber down a couple of blocks, it’s just easier for them to be on the outskirts of downtown.” You hum and nestle into his side as you walk peacefully down the sidewalk, your moment of peace amongst all the hustle and bustle in a busy Nashville.

When you get into the Uber, you sit peacefully for 30 seconds, looking to Jake. “What’s up, my little love?” You don’t respond, choosing instead to kiss him. Jake groans into the kiss, quietly, as he tries not to alert the Uber driver, “we’re five miles away from the apartment, baby doll, don’t start something you can’t finish.”

“Who said I can’t finish?” You can’t see him, but you know without a doubt, his eyes have darkened and you notice a slight twitch in his jaw as it clenches. “My pretty little love…who’d have known you were such a bad girl?” His hands smooth up your thigh, slipping under the dress you put on for him and him alone. The Uber jolts to a stop and he slips the driver a $100 bill, mostly for an extra tip and partly as a thank you for not saying anything to the two of you for being sort of disrespectful. The walk to the elevator feels excruciatingly long. His hand rests on your back as he pushes you into the elevator, attacking you with lips on your neck and rutting his cock against your thigh. “You’re gonna be a good girl for me tonight, right? Gonna let me spoil you rotten?”

Your eyes roll back at his words, moaning out softly as he nibbles at your neck.

“My pretty girl…like a little praise, don’t ya?” You nod, panting. It feels a little overwhelming. He smells like whiskey and tobacco and that teakwood smell that you’ve come to know and love. “Jake,” you whimper out as his fingers come up to rub your clit over your panties. “I know, baby doll, I’ve got you. Don’t be loud in the hallway, princess.” He demands as he lets you go as the elevator doors open.

Your legs feel like jelly as you walk slowly out of the elevator, making your way down the hall to his apartment, a place you’ve been to hundreds of times before, but never like this, never for this moment. He comes up behind you, pressing himself into you as he unlocks the door and throws it open. “In,” he growls in your ear, your eyes widening, not in fear, but in excitement. He closes the door and sets his keys down, “go get on the bed, I’ll be right there, little love.” His voice is soft and calm. You journey back to his bedroom, his guitar propped up next to his nightstand, the lamp in the corner lighting up the room softly. You make a bold move and strip, leaving yourself in the panties and bra you bought for him, red like the color of his beloved Les Paul, wanting his thoughts on stage to be of you every night. As you lay down on the bed, you feel your nipples harden in your bra, suddenly feeling uncomfortable on your skin, squirming.

“Love…” you hear a whisper from the doorway, “what?”

You look to him, beautifully sculpted, his soft tummy, his beautiful thighs, his cock straining against the tight gray boxers.

“What are you so worked up for?” He comes over and hovers over you, making you feel small and protected, you giggle nervously. He shines a big smile at you. “Come on then, let’s have them off,” shaking you off any nerves by showing out with his British accent.

He runs his hand down your chest and grazes over one of the nipples as he pops the fastener on your bra, letting you take it off slowly, revealing your breasts to him. He groans out, “holy shit, baby doll, had I known they were fucking perfect, I would’ve done this a long time ago.” He dives his head down and laps at one of the nipples making you gasp out, lightly sucking and nibbling at it, your hips bucking up to chase any kind of friction as he plays with your nipples.

He moves slowly down your body, licking, sucking, being tortuous, “Jake…’

“Doll…” He speaks back, low as he removes your panties, “Jesus fucking Christ.” He licks at your slit, moving up to catch your clit on his tongue.

“Oh fuck, Jake.” You reach down to grab his hair, pulling slightly, pushing his face into your cunt more and more as he violently sucks and licks. He moves a hand up to push a finger into your soaked pussy, moaning lowly, causing vibrations on your clit.

You groan out, throwing your head back, as you close your eyes. He pushes another finger in, curling them to meet your spot, as he thrusts downward into the mattress to gain some friction on his cock.

“Jakey, I’m gonna cum,” you whimper out, making eye contact with him as he eats you out like it’s his last meal.

“Come on, little love, give it to me.”

The string in your belly pops, as your pussy tightens around his fingers and your arch your back, he swings his arm over your hips and keeps you still as you ride the wave. As you come down, you move up to grab at his cock.

“No!” he pushes you down, not harshly but enough to put you back into the mattress quickly. “I know, I know you want to, but you can’t, I’m so fucking hard it hurts and I’ll cum right in your mouth and I want that sweet little pussy wrapped around my cock more than anything right now.” He presses his forehead to yours as he guides you to push his boxers down, you can’t resist though, you grab him, hard and throbbing in your hand and stroke slowly. His eyebrows furrow as he pushes out a harsh breath against your lips, “what did I tell my sweet girl?” His body doesn’t seem to be as mad at you though, as he ruts his cock into your palm. You stop his hips and guide him down to your entrance. He slips his cock through your slit a couple of times, hitting your clit with his cock, making you jump at the overstimulation. He pushes his cock into you, slowly, making sure you’re ok with every move. “Please, oh God, Jake, please move!” He moves slowly, cock making wet loud noises as he moves almost all the way back out and slams into you. “God, your pussy is so nice and wet, shit, you’re gonna fucking kill me.” He thrusts steadily into you, making small little whimpers as his cock slides into you, your breaths coming out in small little huffs. “Not gonna last, I’m afraid, pretty doll.”

His eyes roll back as he drops his head into your shoulder, slamming harder into you, “yeah, you’re such a good little girl taking my cock like this, aren’t you? It’s like your pussy was made for me.” His hand moves up to your throat, tightening as you gasp out, his face coming out of your neck to speak, whispers ghost over your lips. “So wet and tight, poor girl getting just wrecked on my cock.”

You squeeze around his cock, “Jake, please. I want it so bad, want you to cum.”

“Yeah, and where does my little love want me to cum? Maybe on her belly, her ass, maybe inside this sweet little pussy?”

You groan out, “yes Jake, yes, please oh God put it inside me!”

“Perfect little slut wants me to cum inside her? Good girl, my perfect little love,” he drops two fingers down to your clit, “cum on my cock as I cum in you, milk my cock for everything it’s got, pretty baby.”

You close your eyes as your orgasm hits you, hard and fast, stars exploding behind your eyes as Jake groans loudly in your ear, cumming inside you.

He pulls out of you, slowly, watching you whimper, “I know, I’m sorry, don’t move,” he kisses your cheek.

He returns with a damp towel as he cleans you off and then wipes himself off as he climbs into bed, wrapping an arm around your waist, pulling you into him.

“That was good, right? You don’t have any complaints?” You shift in his arms, facing him.

“Complaints? You mean to tell me that people have complained about Jake Kiszka, rockstar god, fucking them?”

He rolls his head away from you and laughs, “no, not really but I didn’t really wanna start now.”

“There’s that ego I fell in love with. You’re perfect, Jake. I love you.”

“I love you. Good night, my little love.”

#greta van fleet #greta van fleet smut #jake kiszka

155 notes · View notes

starrysharks · 1 year

Note

ive sent like 20 asks to you atp but i really love ur art soooo so so so much like ur like my biggest inspiration fr like seriously i could blab all day abt how much i love your art and your arts almost singlehandedly motivated me to start working on shape language more bc i think thats like the key part of your art (to me at least) and youre like the true embodiment of "same face syndrome fears me" but like fr because all your ocs are so distinct and unique

do you have any tips on creating unique silhouettes / just general character design tips?? also id love to hear abt how your use of shapes and shape language evolved over time if ur fine sharing that!!

ok this is literally the sweetest ask ever like first off thank you so much ;_; i'm glad i was able 2 inspire you!!!

for me if you look at my old art there's little to no focus on shape language cuz i wanted to express a 'pointy' animeish style. examples are from 2020, 2021 respectively

as you can see i did NOT flip my canvas and my art was samey as hell,,, but in 2021 i started going for softer colors and shapes rather than points and spikes and brighter shapes. but, if you were to look through all of my art from either era, you'd see it's identical cuz i didn't care for shape language. this went on for quite a while :,)

then i discovered worlds end club in late 2021 and everything changed !!! i watched playthroughs cuz i didn't have a means to play at the time, and decided on making my artstyle a blend of cartoony and animeish - which ended up in choosing more expensive silhouettes and faces in turn

honestly i'm too tired to actually chronicle my artstyle change so i'll just skip to late 2022 in this timeline, sorry 😭

so by now has my artstyle evolved into aomwthing super cool n expressive ? no actually i think my art got worse in late 2022

as you can see, my colors got super washed out and i didn't really take risks, i guess? but i was finally starting to come into my own in terms of artstyle and was finally acknowledging shape language a little bit.

very early 2023 is the same, so let's skip to the one thing that changed my artstyle - the big 8 lineups

suddenly everybody was like 'wow your shapes are so good!!!' this was because i had tried to challenge myself with character design in these drawings. so i tried to emphasise interesting shapes more - using a technique where i'd just take an interesting shape or line that corresponded with a character's personality and repeating it as much as i could across the design.

like this deep cut art, where i tried to 'dial up'their already exaggerated shapes and design aspects (such as making frye's pants sag more or changing up shiv's hair. big man is perfect and needs no changes)

but this journey is still not over because a few months ago i rewatched all of panty and stocking and watched clone high for the first time, and both of these shows emphasise shapes a LOT in their designs, and i picked those up. here's art from a few months ago - in short, i tried to find the 'focal point' of the design, something that set it apart from other designs with similar body types or clothing, and built around that, if it makes sense? here's some art that i think expresses that well

comparing the new quintet art to the old one, i think you can also see that i started to try and use different body shapes and shapes in general (such as clyde having a more triangular build ig) . and tumblr doesn't let me add more pictures so this is where the overview ends !

my advice is - watch and rewatch anything that might inspire you, because it has the ability to push you in the right direction. for technical tips, id say -

draw different body types and age ranges (often times same face syndrome is born from only drawing the same age range, usually 15-20 for most sufferers)

play around with style - do you want a more western inspired style or something more akin to modern anime ? maybe something entirely different! try drawing in different styles that you like and see which ones stick

research fashion if only a little bit - it can help understand visually pleasing silhouettes (such as the famous big jacket or big pants silhouettes)

speaking of big jacket or big pants, contrast is key !!! top or bottom heavy designs are an easy way to express personality and an expressive silhouette ig

ummm thaz it ithink. once again thank you for your kind words and remember to take advice from multiple artists im just one guy!! i hope anything in here helped or was at least interesting to read

#ask zeno #zeno's art #long post #old art

78 notes · View notes

matataku-hoshi · 1 year

Text

Groundhog Day at the Old Vic, London 2023

*dusts off the old blog* It's certainly been a minute, hasn't it! Still here, still a huge GHD fan. In the intervening years, I got to see productions at San Francisco Playhouse and at the Paramount Theatre in Aurora, IL. (I also got married and went through a bunch of other life stuff, but that's neither here nor there). But then it was announced that Groudhog Day would be returning to the Old Vic in 2023 with Andy Karl, and my husband and I used that as an excuse to finally do that UK trip we'd been talking about for years.

Tumblr user colemckenzies did a great post outlining some of the changes between Broadway and 2023 Old Vic. I wanted to further elaborate on some additional changes I noticed. Obviously spoilers to follow:

In “There Will Be Sun”, the first chorus of “Tomorrow spring will come and then there will be blue skies my friend” is cut. It goes straight from “If not tomorrow then tomorrow or tomorrow there will be sun” to “Oh if I could I’d will these clouds away my love”

While obviously the revolves are gone (look at me picking up British-isms 😄), the bedroom set gets wheeled in every loop. They keep the trick from Broadway where this is always done counter-clockwise until the loop finally breaks.

As previously mentioned, there’s a wonderful lyric change in Day One. “Their dumb superstitions and vacuous chat, their total unawareness of the fact their trapped, perhaps you don't miss it if you don't know you lack it, I'm sure there was a pack of xanax in this jacket'

I adore this because of the foreshadowing, and how Phil thinks he’s singing about the townsfolk when he’s really singing about himself.

Dialogue change in 2023 when Phil runs into Jonathan:

Jonathan: “Off to the see the groundhog?”

Phil: “Why, isn’t there a tractor pull or a cow-tipping contest?”

Jonathan, looks confused: “I don’t think that’s today.”

When Rita introduces to Phil on Day One and reminds him of the flood story, Phil takes a second before recalling, groans, and goes, "Oh, the intern? They didn't even send me a real producer." After which Rita corrects him that she's a real producer now, albeit an associate producer.

On Day 2 when the sheriff drops his gun, Phil asks "How do you have a permit???"

At the end of Day 2, Rita sings “I mean he acts kind of asshole-ish still. I think he might be mentally ill.” While it’s on the cast recording and the early previews bootleg, I could have sworn it was cut in the final Broadway version. Regardless, it’s restored in the 2023 version.

Phil’s “Help me~~~~” at the end of Day 3 is cut.

In Philandering, they cut the line where Phil "proposes" to Nancy (which I prefer - no one is that stupid, and they make the point later that Nancy is more than a caricature)

Also in Philandering, you can hear the chorus singing, “Gonna party like it’s no tomorrow~~~” in the party scene (formerly the orgy scene). Phil also gets 10 pizzas delivered to his room.

Phil is less aggressive when he confesses his “love” to Rita in One Day.

On Broadway, they sit down directly on the stage, and Phil leans sideways to Rita to confess. As he gets more desperate, he starts to position himself over her and tries to take her hand, after which she slaps him.

In 2023, they’re sitting on a bench together. Phil tries to take her hand, and she pulls away and slaps him. Still creepy, but much less heading in the direction of sexual assault.

Either way Phil totally deserves to get slapped. I’ve talked to a few people who have said they could never root for Phil because of this scene (which is a fair critique). The 2023 version IMO makes the same point without so much portraying Phil as a potential sexual predator.

Right before Phil smashes the alarm clock at the end of One Day, he yells “Make it stop!” (“Somebody make it stop”? Memory is a fickle thing)

When Phil kills himself with the gun before Hope, it's more explicit that he stole the gun off of the sheriff with his faulty holster.

I don't remember if this is new, but when Phil wakes up at the beginning of Hope, he touches the side of his head where he shot himself and even though he knows that the day will always reset, he still looks a little surprised and it's heartbreaking.

For the third death/revival in Hope (where Phil climbs the ladder):

Broadway: Phil reappears in bed

Old Vic 2023: Phil reappears on the scene of the broadcast, fully dressed

As noted, lots of changes to If I Had My Time Again.

Cast recording: "The thing with these revolving rides / they're only fun because you know they're going to end"

Broadway (as of early in previews): "I was completely dead inside / But today I'm like 85%"

London 2023: We're back to the cast recording lyrics.

IMO the orchestration and lyric changes are for the better. I adored this song on the cast recording, but in the August Wilson theater it frequently felt swallowed up.

With the emphasis on just Phil and Rita, it’s a much more intimate song, which is what the scene needs IMO.

I also love Rita’s new lyric “Go to all the parties that I missed / Kiss all the boys I was too afraid to kiss”, because then it’s Rita fulfilling her “time again” when she kisses Phil during Seeing You.

After "If I Had My Time Again", Phil eats a carton of Ben & Jerry's while discussing the almanac with Rita. I love the implication that he’s eaten all of this junk food before, but he’s trying it again with her.

Dialogue change after "If I Had My Time Again"

Phil: "You know, Larry, we never really talk."

Broadway Larry: "Sometimes I think you don't notice that I'm there."

London 2023 Larry: "Well you never brought me donuts before."

Not a change, but I was sitting close enough one night to see the stock photos they use for Ned’s wallet pictures of his kids, and I realized that “little Mary” is just a baby. It really hit home that Ned has probably just lost his wife in the last year or two, and he’s trying to raise five very young kids on his own.

In the Broadway/cast recording versions of "Philanthropy", you can hear some melodic callbacks to earlier songs. In the London 2023 version, the chorus actually sings lines like, "I'm not sure what the point is / But this point is it don't matter" and "If I had my time again I would not do it all the same"

There's no pause of silence before "Seeing You" starts

After Phil and Rita run off into the snow at the end of Seeing You, the couples left dancing are Nancy/Larry, Debbie/Fred, and then Mrs. Lancaster dances alone in the snow in joyous wonder. I love this bit, becuase it feels like all the different ways you can find a new meaning of love (Nancy/Larry, the couple just discovering each other, Debbie/Fred, who have moved into a new phase of their relationship, and then Mrs. Lancaster, who even as an old woman can revel in the beauty of the snow)

In 2023 when Phil takes Rita to see the sunrise, he makes her cover her eyes, and then unveil them once the full sunrise is in view. It’s very sweet.

Anyway, I love this show, and I love talking about this show, so please feel free to hit me up! I may post more general thoughts, etc. if anyone is interested.

#andy karl #groundhog day musical #groundhog day the musical #groundhog day #phil connors #rita hanson #old vic #ghd musical

54 notes · View notes

lullaebies · 1 year

Note

Idk if you’re still taking Helaegon prompts but if you are how about one where like when ever since she was little Helaena has been having dragon dreams where she marries Aegon, and to any little girl obviously that would make her have a MASSIVE crush on him 🥺🥺🥺

I still take prompts, yes! I try to write one daily now, so all are welcome to send any and I'll get to them slowly (as long as I feel comfortable with the prompt). This one is very cute, I nearly lost it yesterday bc of Tumblr but luckily I managed to get the ask back.. thank goodness I really liked this one lol note: book!setting and ages! -

Helaena saw it in a dream, once, twice, thrice.

The exchange of cloaks, the dip of his head as he looks down at her, the colors of the stained-glass window shining down on them. It is all brief and fleeting; his knuckles brush against her neck gently to clasp the cloak together, but she still feels it all the same.

When she is awoken from her daydreams, it’s often by a much rougher grab of her arm. It is still Aegon, all the same, but his hair isn’t quite as long, and they don’t stand in front of a man with a book, but by mother’s skirts, still only reached by the waist of her green dress.

She first understands what all those glimpses of dreams mean when she is five, and Rhaenyra marries in front of their eyes. Lord Laenor Velaryon gallantly places an intricate cloak, saying his vows as Rhaenyra does, before placing a soft kiss on her lips for all to see. She can’t help but stare.

Aegon is bored beyond belief throughout the ceremony, leaning against Helaena’s shoulder in annoyance and waiting for it to end. Aemond has been fussy enough to the point he’s been brought to their mother’s arm, and Aegon nearly melted against her trying to stray from their brother’s grating whines.

“I hate weddings,” he says, grumpily. He’s been quick to say he hates many things, and Mother has always told him he’s all too sullen for his handsome face. She hasn’t thought about it much, but a groom’s features are a part of his charm, she suddenly thinks. She stills as he squishes his head against her neck. “Can’t we leave?”

“There’s still the wedding dance..” she answers, holding onto her dress. She doesn’t want him to see her flush.

“We should dance, then,” he says, and Helaena’s heart softens. But Rhaenyra and Laenor’s dance comes first, and the sea of people in the hall would be uninviting when the communal dance starts; Mother wants them to stay close. They’re too small. Too small, still.

They’ll dance, though. She knows they will; she could almost feel the weight of the steps.

“We are later,” she says bravely, her heart quickening its pace. Aegon groans in her ears, sprawling unbecomingly between their chairs and on her.

“I want to now!” He says, hasty in saying words he cannot quite understand. Helaena grabs onto his face squeezing his cheeks. A part of her is giddy at the thought of the same. “Hey!” he says in annoyance, and she giggles.

Those dreams don’t stop, and the giddiness doesn’t dissipate.

Every year an additional flower is added to the riddle; when Sunfyre is claimed, the gold dragon of her dream cape sparkles even brighter. When Dreamfyre is claimed, she thinks remembers the teals of her jewels; she is even met with those dream pieces of jewelry to be gifts from her mother.

She tries to safe keep them, to hide them from Aegon. He should see it then, not now. Aegon chases her around to let him see what Mother has brought her; he’s ten, and she is just touching nine, and he runs after her between the peony hedges in the gardens. She thinks she saw those flowers too, within the vases from that sept of her dreams.

He catches her in his arms so she can’t escape; she feels the tips of her ears color up, but she can blame the sun still. Helaena finally lets him see. He huffs.

“You need to put them on like Mother, not hide them!” he says, as if he knows anything about it, and puts on the necklace of the set on her, knuckles grazing the sides of her neck. The feeling is much more pronounced than her daydreams.

Helaena thinks of it until night, sleepless, but with dreams deep in her heart.

—

And one day it is said aloud, that she shall soon enough marry too, as the flowered girl she is. Always there to counsel Father and Mother, Grandsire gives consideration to different houses with different sons who belong to all of those places she never saw, not with her eyes and not in her mind.

All that is unfamiliar shatters a well-established image. Aegon is maturing, too, and strays more often from her side. She dreamt and dreamt and is to be left just imagination? It’s not quite fair, she thinks when she already held her thoughts as her future.

She hides in the gardens when Aegon comes in unhurrying steps. “What did rush out for? They’re not sending you away tomorrow,” he says. Helaena’s lips fall in a frown. He sighs and comes by closer, reaching for her arm to get her up from her crouching position. “Come on, come back. If you say what you want, perhaps they’ll even think about it.”

Helaena looks at him from the corner of her eye, biting her lips as she lets herself raised back up from her feet. She holds on to his arm as she does, and looks back at him, only defiance surging in her.

“Good,” he says, not noticing. “Let’s go—”

He is cut off abruptly when she lifts herself on her tiptoes to kiss him. The same way she saw Laenor kiss Rhaenyra at their wedding; the same way she saw Aegon kissing her, at their wedding. He gasps against her before he calms, and allows it. Her heart beats louder every time the dejavu in her mind repeats. Again and again; this dream always comes back, always stronger, and it is insistent, she's insistent, more than ever before.

And then, the kiss breaks off to the sounds of Mother’s gasp, some realization on her face for all that Helaena has long ago accepted. In a way, all is sealed and the future is made true.

They’ll dance, later, she and Aegon. Helaena knows.

#Alicent having an Aegon V moment in the end there scream #helaegon #helaena x aegon ii #aegon ii x helaena #helaena targaryen #aegon ii targaryen #hotd #fire and blood #my fics #requests #answered #these are getting too long WEEP #the idea of yearning hel is always adorable ngl

34 notes · View notes

rays-of-fire-and-ice · 1 year

Text

To Know Love

Prompts: (seemingly) unrequited love, peace

Rating: K

Setting: During the ten-year timeskip, beginning a year after Yhwach’s defeat.

Synopsis: During the ten years of rebuilding the Soul Society, Toshiro tries to ease into the newfound peace and comes to a realization.

AN: back with another fic for @yearoftheotpevent's challenge! Prepare for schmaltz galore! >:D I wrote this while I was on my break from Tumblr, and as usual, this one went for longer than I expected it to ^^; I actually cut a lot of scenes from this because it was just becoming too much, but I may end up adding it back in here or creating another fic based on certain scenes.

For those who’ve read It Suits You, you may recognize a scene from that fic that’s been included here. I’ve changed it to suit (no pun intended) this story better, but it more or less has the same structure.

Hope you all enjoy it!

_____________________________________

There hadn’t been any major conflicts in the last year, but that did little to ease the tension within Toshiro. As he’d learned all too well, a threat can emerge without warning from anywhere and anyone.

He sensed the same unease in his fellow captains as well. An air of weariness hovered over all of them every time they had a meeting like this one. With each report and updates given about reconstruction, it only reinforced how vulnerable the Soul Society still was.

Shunsui called Iba to give his report. The lieutenant comes to stand between the two rows of captains and recounts the repair work Seventh Division had started on. Much like other reports, it was mostly about clean up and beginning repair work on still standing structures.

At some point, Toshiro lost focus on Iba and his gaze drifted to Momo. Like most others, her attention was on her fellow lieutenant and she remained still. The last time he’d seen her was two months ago at a meeting just like this.

When she gave a small nod at something Iba said, his attention was drawn to her hair. It was done up in its usual style with the hairclip on the side, but the tips had grown to be only an inch away from her shoulders. Given how busy everything was, it wouldn’t surprise him if she simply didn’t have time to go get a haircut. He’d heard a rumor that Shinji knew how to cut hair, but given how the captain’s styled his hair, Toshiro is glad she didn’t ask him to cut hers.

It's the smallest thing, but when the ends of her hair sway as she nodded again, it brought forth an emotion Toshiro still doesn’t have a name for. He’d felt it in faint flashes in the past either when he was with her, but it had become more prominent since Aizen’s defeat. It made his heart either race or clench, sometimes sent him into a bout of fanciful thinking, and made him consider her appearance beyond whether she looked well or not.

It's an annoyance, one that caused his brows to furrow deeper for its inconvenient timing. Of all things, it came about because of her hair, and during a meeting he was meant to speak at no less. And yet, he wanted it to last the little bit longer, to let him forget the unease he constantly felt since the war against the Quincy came to an end. A part of him said it was too silly and maybe even too dangerous to indulge, making him to go into fantasy rather than focus on reality. What was this feeling? Why couldn't he figure it out?

He drew attention back to the meeting when Shunsui thanked Iba for the updates. The emotion stuttered, then crept away. As Toshiro was called on upon to give his report, he was thankful it had vanished just in time.

But perhaps a thread of it lingered, because when he came to stand between the lines of captains and begin his updates, he wondered if Momo was noticing the smallest things in him too.

_____________________________________

It became stronger a year later.

She’d presented him with a bento box on one of their rare lunch breaks together.

“You never bring your own lunch,” she’d explained with a chuckle at his bewilderment. Then, her expression softened and she ruefully looked off to the side. “And I wasn’t able to get anything for your birthday last year, so, um…I made this for you instead.”

His eyes widened when he opened the box’s lid and saw it was filled with most of his favourite foods. How long had this taken her to put together? Had she really made everything here herself?

“You didn’t have to go to the trouble,” he said, hating how flustered he sounded.

He expected her to tease or laugh at him, but she only shrugged. “I know.”

She’d wanted to do this for him regardless.

His heart swelled with that strange emotion, and for a moment he felt nothing but a soft adoration for her. After everything that happened, she’s still kind and thoughtful towards him. He’s quick to snap out of it, biting the inside of his cheek against the rush of heat to his cheeks.

“Thank you,” he replied more calmly.

“You’re welcome.” He thought they’d leave it at that and start on their lunches, but Momo giggled with a teasing grin. “Why the blush, Hitsugaya-kun?”

“Because it’s hot out!”

“But we’re under shade.”

He quick to take up the chopsticks and shove something from the bento box into his mouth. That stopped her teasing, her eyes going wide and her lips parted in anticipation for his verdict. He had no idea what he chose, but he chewed slowly, keeping her in suspense. She did this every time she baked something, waiting to see what others thought.

His response is always the same. “It’s good.”

Her resulting smile makes him bite the inside of his cheek by accident, and tried to stifle the yelp and the emotion that flared up. It only made his blush worse.

_____________________________________

He didn’t recognize her when she came to the office with reports for him to sign off on.

He’d gotten used to her tying her hair back with a ribbon in a ponytail that either rest on her shoulder or her hair flowing down her back with the sides pinned back by her hairclip. She’d tried various styles since growing her hair out, never seeming to settle on one for more than six months before changing it again.

But this had been wholly different. Gone were the hairclip and ribbon, and in their place was a messy bun. She’d also gotten a fringe, which rested over her left eyebrow, two thin bangs rests against each side of her face.

She sits down next to him, still talking and not noticing his stupor as she lays out the plan on the coffee table. His heart thumps against his chest; he can’t look away from her.

By this point he’d dubbed the emotion a nuisance, something that got in the way of him trying to focus on his work. How can he focus on what she’s saying when she look this new look makes her glow, makes her look more mature? He tried to banish it, and it showed in his face. His frown deepened, his lips pursed, and his teeth ground together.

Momo finally noticed, and she blinked in surprise. “Are you all right Captain Hitsugaya?”

The title shocked him out of reverie. “When did you get her hair cut?” He could slap himself; the question unintentionally came out accusatory.

Momo blinked. “I didn’t?”

“That’s not what I meant. When did you…change your hair?”

“About a month ago.” Unthinkingly, she curled one of the bangs around her finger, and that tiny gesture made his heart race anew. “I guess we haven’t seen each other in a while, so you wouldn’t know. What do you think?”

What could he say wouldn’t sound embarrassing for both of them? “It’s just different.”

“Is that all you think about it?” she chuckled, unhooking the bang and running a hand over the side of her head. “I decided to grow my hair out so I could put it in a bun again. I kind of missed it.”

When she told him years ago she was getting her hair cut, he’d been shocked. He’d only ever known her with long hair, but he got used to her short hair very quickly. He also thought that maybe this was her way of distancing herself from the past trauma Aizen had put her through, cutting her hair so she couldn’t put it back in the bun she styled it in for decades.

Now she’s back to longer hair, and despite the similarities it has with her older bun hairstyle, it was definitely different. It showed she has moved on from what tying her hair back used to represent – her time as Aizen’s lieutenant.

With heat threatening to colour his cheeks, he managed out, “It suits you.”

She grinned and thanked him with a blush. It was the first time he thought she was beautiful.

_____________________________________

It came again when he looked over at Momo during the festival's fireworks. Toshiro had no particular reason to, but at some point his eyes moved away from the display above them to her.

Like all the souls around them, she’s out of uniform and in a kimono with an ornament pinning her hair to the side in an intricate bun - based on a model she saw in one of her magazines, Rangiku claimed proudly when showing off her work.

Momo didn’t notice his stare, too captivated by the display. Her face was coloured red, then purple, then pink, then blue with each firework that shot up and exploded in the sky.

She flinched, then giggled when a particularly loud firework blew up in the sky, dousing her and the area around them in a golden orange. Even if he wanted to see what it looked like, couldn’t look away now. Even before meeting up today, he could tell from her gait as she went about her duties that this was the most relaxed she’d been in years. She walked lighter, with her shoulders away from her ears and her head tilted back, as if peering up at the sky.

It unexpectedly moved him. After all she’d went through from five years ago, didn’t she deserve to keep smiling like this, to look upon the world with renewed wonder and optimism? He thought so, and a part of him wished he could be more relaxed too. He can never shake off the vigilance though, ready for the next threat.

His attention was only diverted when Rangiku made a particularly loud awed sound. Thankfully, she hadn’t seen him - he’d have dreaded being questioned by her later, assuming things she knew nothing about.

Wanting to move away from the strange emotion, he looked back to the fireworks. That infernal blush he'd become far too familiar with darkened his cheeks when he thought the colours weren’t as vibrant against the sky.

_____________________________________

From the moment he walked into the office, Toshiro's brows furrowed deeper at Momo's hunched posture. He gingerly closed the door. “I brought the reports.”

She nodded and mustered up a weak smile. “Welcome, Captain Hitsugaya.” She gestured to the tray with a teapot and cups on it. “I made some tea, seeing as we’ll probably be here for a while.”

His heart throbbed with concern, but he sat next to her and began going through the joint reconstruction review for a districts the Fifth and Tenth Divisions were rebuilding together.

It didn’t take long before he could tell her mind had drifted off somewhere else, her gaze become glassy and half-hooded.

With a sigh through his nose, he reached for the teapot. “Let’s take a break.”

Momo shook her head, dispelling whatever occupied her mind. “But we’ve only completed five reports.”

“Well, I was thirsty anyway.”

He poured a cup for her too, and her guilty frown only made his chest tighten more. As he handed her tea to her, something in her wilted, causing her sigh quietly and hunch into herself further.

“Sorry, today isn’t a good day for me,” she admitted. “I got rid of another sketchbook yesterday, it’s been on my mind.”

“One with Aizen in it?” he asked carefully. Even after all this time, he hesitated when saying the former captain’s name. She didn’t flinch or visibly react to hearing his name, but he knew it had to have some kind of internal impact on her still.

She nodded. “There’s only two left now. Even so, it’s still hard to…” A slight tremor ran through her hands, causing the tea to almost reach the lip of her cup. “I better put this down.”

It was in moments like this he forgot reason and wished Aizen had been sentenced to death. It’s an anger that often seethed somewhere deep in his mind, rarely making an appearance but still there all the same.

This strange emotion seemed to amplify other emotions whenever she was concerned. He was that bit happier when he made her smile or laugh, and that bit more concerned when she was stressed or experienced moments like this.

“What do you want to do?” he asked. The question squeezed his heart and gave his voice a raspy quality, but he found himself not caring if she noticed.

She considered for a pause, then shuffled closer to him. “If it’s not too much trouble, can I, um…?”

The furtive gaze at his shoulder told him all he needed to know, and the vice around his heart loosened. “It’s fine.”

She still hesitated, but eventually rested her head on his shoulder. It hadn’t been first time she’d done this, but since this emotion became more prevalent within him, such an act often left him dividing his attention between calming his heart and making sure he didn’t budge, not wanting to jostle her. He stared ahead and waited in the silence.

More times than not, she only did this when she was upset. She said it helped her stay grounded, but he couldn’t see how. He imagined the cold of his reiatsu would be uncomfortable for most if they stayed this close to him for too long. She proved to be an exception, as always.

“Did you ever find your scarf after the war?”

The strange question caught him off guard and he turned his head as far as he could to look at her. “No, it was taken when I was changed into the Sternritter uniform. Why do you ask?”

His bewilderment grew when she tilted to meet his gaze and smiled. “I don’t know. I think the cold is reminding me of it...or maybe I just miss it.”

He didn’t ask any further, and not long after, she lifted her head and they resumed reviewing the reports, with her in slightly higher spirits.

A month later, she gave him a scarf on his birthday. Unlike the last, he didn’t plan to wear this one as part of his uniform. He wanted to, had it adorning his neck the very next day before going to a captain’s meeting, but just as he was about exit his room, he had a change of heart. He folded it up and put in his cupboard, to be worn when the snowfall came again.

He couldn’t risk it getting damaged or lost, not when a threat could come at any moment.

_____________________________________

Even her hand could triggered it.

Toshiro came into the office and stopped short when he spotted Momo and Rangiku on one of the couches. His nose scrunched up at the scent of nail polish, and sure enough, there were several bottles lined up on the coffee table and Rangiku held one of their brushes in her hand. He was about to start an argument, but to his surprise, his lieutenant wasn’t painting her own nails. She held one of Momo’s, with the latter’s pointer finger already painted. Toshiro could understand why Rangiku was interested in such strange things – it felt like it was in a similar vein as those ‘facials’ she did and the hair products she bought - but since when was Momo interested in painting nails?

“Why hello, captain!” Rangiku greeted. “It looks like the meeting finished early, huh.”

He directed a glare at his lieutenant as a vein throbbed in his temple. “And you thought to avoid your duties and do hobbies in the office rather than elsewhere, am I right?”

Momo raises her free hand defensively. “Hitsugaya-kun, please don’t blame Rangiku-san, I was-”

“But we’re still on break!” Rangiku interrupted her. “Besides, all the courtyards and common areas are being used right now. Also, I didn’t want to do this in my room in case you came back and wondered where I was.”

“I wouldn’t have to make too many guesses,” Toshiro muttered under his breath. At his lieutenant’s questioning gaze, he sighed and walked past the, he went to his desk. He brought out the fresh batch of reports from his sleeve. “I’ll compile these, and when you’re done, you better look over them.”

He didn’t have to look back to know Rangiku grinned in victory.

“Well, maybe we should move to the balcony,” Momo suggested. “That way the scent won’t disturbed Hitsugaya-kun.”

“Captain Hitsugaya,” Toshiro interjected without turning around.

“Ah, don’t worry,” Rangiku said. “I’ll have your nails done soon. Besides, the captain doesn’t mind, right, sir?”

She knew very well he did, but she also knew he didn’t have it in him to ask them to leave when he rarely got to see Momo beyond passing her on the way to somewhere else these days. He only grunted in respond before sitting down at his desk and getting out his brush and ink.

He blocked out most of their chatter as Rangiku continued painting Momo’s nails; most of it was related to what they’d been up to or about Women’s Association business. Despite the scent and the slight annoyance at Rangiku’s usual laziness, t was oddly nice to have them there. Maybe it was another sign of the peace he was becoming decreasingly skeptical of.

It was almost five minutes later Momo came over to him, forcing his focus away from his work. “What do you think, Hitsugaya-k -- Captain Hitsugaya?”

He blinked at her, then as her presented hand. “Why do want my opinion?”

She shrugged, trying to appear casual. “It’s nice to get a second opinion.”

It sounded like a weak reason, but it’s forgotten when she did a wave with her fingers, a playful flourish that brought the unnamed emotion forth.

He clasped her hand around the knuckles and brought it closer, examining Rangiku’s work. He could’ve sworn he heard his lieutenant make a choked sound, but he wasn’t paying attention to her.

Her nails were a pale pink, and save for the glossy texture and lack of white tips, they didn’t look much different from when her nails weren’t painted. Still, he had to admit, it made her hand that little bit daintier. He could feel the callouses of her of her fingers and palm behind, and it made for a strange juxtaposition.

Hands like hers are typically thought of as soft, but the one he holds hers with, the one that had been regenerated after Aizen’s defeat, was softer than hers. Her hands held a weapon and cast kido spells to protect the Soul Society, but they also showed a soft kindness when they held the shoulders or hands of another. He briefly remembered when her grief and confusion caused them to bleed, but he banished the memory with a shift of his grip, inching his hand lower so that her fingers rested over his.

Her blush almost matched the shade of nail polish. Is she embarrassed? What did she have to be embarrassed about? Maybe because he held her hand? His gesture had been out of character, but she is always quick to grab his hand without a second thought. Wasn’t he entitled to be spontaneous every now and then?

Maybe he had stared for too long, and his lack of a response made her feel she had chosen the wrong colour. It’s all trivial to him, but to her, it must mean more than he realised.

“The colour looks good,” he said, and withdrew his hand. The response sounded disappointing to his own ears, but she knew he was not one to be elaborate with praise or feedback.

Her hand remained rigid in the air for several seconds. It’s not until Rangiku came over, also voicing her approval of the colour choice, that she brought her hand back to herself. “T-Thank you, Shiro-chan.”

He’s too perplexed to correct her. Why had this mattered to her? Or perhaps his actions had made her uncomfortable? When she turned away from him and announced she needed to get back to her division, he inwardly cursed. This emotion sometimes compelled Toshiro do the strangest things without a second thought.

He was about to stand and call out her name, without any idea how he would apologise, until she looked back at him.

Her smile was wide and sweet, giddy almost. “I’ll see you for lunch next week, right, Captain Hitsugaya?”

He could only nod. He’s quick to shut his mouth closed and throw himself back into his work. Rangiku showed her out, and as soon as the door closed, Toshiro nearly fell against his desk. It's getting worse with each passing year.

_____________________________________

He knew the emotion was behind the discomfort he sometimes felt when Momo was around others. When she vivaciously spoke with Izuru about the latest books they’ve read, when she grinned at Rindo as he let her feed a bird perched on his arm or taught her a new sign, when Renji did something – intentional or not – that made her giggle, or when she laughed with male members of her division at inside jokes only they understood.

Toshiro refused to call it jealousy, believing it was something he had left behind after he became a Shinigami, A child felt jealous when they didn't get the attention they wanted or seeing others as being greater than themselves. He was beyond that, knew who he was and didn’t vie for her attention.

Yet he caught himself wondering what he had to offer her compared to others in her life. She smiled with him most times they were together, and laughed when he got flustered or was trying to cheer her up. But he was not an avid reader, didn't have a particular skill she was interested in picking up, or had a broad sense of humor.

He could put the discomfort aside most times, especially when he saw how happy she was. Every passing year, the melancholy that had settled into her heart after Aizen’s defeat was fading bit by bit.

Yes, he'd decided, as long as she could be happy, with him or others, he'd deal with this aching sensation without complaint.

_____________________________________

He watched Momo from afar while she read a book. Her feet dangled over the edge of the veranda, and her lashes brushed along her cheeks, but she otherwise remained still. The spring air brushed over the area, ruffling through his hair and sweeping her bangs over her shoulders. The flowers under her feet sway too and fro, almost brushing against her toes, and petals of a nearby sakura tree dust the courtyard in front of her in a veil of pink. It was the perfect picture of peace, and he’s afraid to disturb it.

But maybe, he can join her in it, for more than the thirty minutes they spent together on lunch breaks. It’d been seven years since the Yhwach’s defeat, and by some miracle, no major conflict had disturbed their reconstruction efforts. A part of him still clings to that vigilance for the next threat, but he’d increasingly fallen into the lull this peace offered. Was he becoming complacent or weary?

Toshiro didn’t dwell on the thought, knowing she would look up soon and wonder where he was any minute now. He walked out of the shade of the awning and came around the corner of the main barracks.

He chose to announce his arrival through his footsteps and reiatsu rather than words. As he neared, Momo raised her head with a smile, and the light caught in her irises turned them from brown to amber.

It was then Toshiro realized he loved her eyes.

_____________________________________

He thought to tell Rangiku, because despite her teasing, he knew she’d understand. Still, he always hesitated to bring it up, to open himself up that much and risk being told what he didn’t want to hear. She mightn’t feel the same way.

Somehow, that response didn’t fill him the same sense of dread as the other he’d imagined.

You don’t know how she feels.

Because that could inspire hope. It would make him think that nothing was set in stone, that maybe she could feel the same way, and he’s certain it would lead to disappointment.

_____________________________________

Ever since he’d put a name to the emotion, he saw glimpses of it almost everywhere he went. Whether it was with couples in the Junrinan, and when he oversaw his subordinates reconstructing a part of Sokyouku, he saw the way his third seat, Minagawa, flashed the occasional glance at Mako, an officer from the Thirteenth Division. Since the two division began joint repair work together last, Mingawa and Mako were often assigned together on tasks. Over time, his third seat’s gaze grew more soft and unsure when he looked at her, but when she spoke with him, he smiled more than usual and seemed to hang on her every word.

Toshiro wondered if he looked the same when he was with Momo. He hoped not, was flustered at just the thought of everyone being able to see how he felt about her. It was bad enough Rangiku seemed to clue in on it, looking at him in certain ways whenever the two of them were around Momo or whenever he said he’d be having lunch with her.

Worse still, it had become difficult to be in Momo’s presence. When she flashed him a smile, his heart fluttered, sometimes for a few seconds and other times for a whole minute. When she took hold his hand to lead him somewhere, he bit the inside of his cheek hard to stop the tremors under his skin coming to the surface. He founds himself smiling more, telling her things he'd normally keep under lock and key in his mind. Could she see how he felt?

And it was that niggling worry that made him want to keep his distance whenever they interacted. He wanted to stay few more inches away from her when they walked side by side, avoided her hands and acted as if he hadn’t noticed her reaching out for him. Small things, nothing obvious.

But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. She’d notice in time, likely confront him about why he was acting the way he was. Above all else, despite the pain it caused him, he couldn’t deny the moments of happiness it brought him. When she smiled at him, he found himself smiling back. When she held his hand, he rarely let go.

He’d heard the expression ‘a fool in love’ before, and he was certain that he was.

_____________________________________

Toshiro tilts his head up to the sky. The sun had just set, and the oranges and pinks of the sky were changing to purples and dark blues. Rain is coming, he can sense it in the gathering clouds and cool winds that brushed over him.

A crash comes from inside the Thirteenth Division's main hall, silencing the loud chatter. It starts up again only seconds later, but with an accusation of someone having dropped a sake bottle and hearty laughter from Kenpachi and Ikkaku.

Toshiro rolls his eyes, but there's a small smile too.

“There you are!”

He blinks at Momo, who has her head poking out of the doorway. Her cheeks are flushed, but he can’t tell if it’s from celebratory sake or the heat inside.

“Too loud for you?” she asks.

“No, I just needed some air.” His smile widens a fraction. “It’s good, actually.”

Momo quirks up an eyebrow and fully steps outside. “Oh?”

“I don’t remember the last time I heard everyone like this. It’s another sign of the peace we’ve enjoyed these past ten years. Everyone can celebrate Kuchiki’s promotion as she deserves. It's a shame Iba didn't get the same celebration when he became captain.”

A part of him laments not accepting the peace sooner, but there was no use thinking about such things. With every building reconstructed, every grave created, and a return to more regular Shinigami duties in the World of the Living, they’ve all moved forward together into this peace. The calm in his mind and heart is a welcomed change, it almost reminded him of the days before Aizen’s betrayal and the Quincy invasion.Despite that, he isn’t the same person, far from it.

Momo comes to his side. Her softened gaze makes him feel self-conscious.

“What?” he asks.

“It’s just nice to hear you express yourself and see you smile more often. Normally you’re like this.” She folds her arms tightly across her chest, deeply furrows her brows, and drops her lips into a frown.

“I don’t look like that!” Toshiro exclaims.

She bursts into laughter. “Oh no, Shiro-chan, I’m sorry! Go back to smiling!”

He complies with a chuckle. “I think the sake has gone to your head.”

She only had a sip on celebratory occasions, it wouldn’t surprise him if her tolerance is low.

Momo shakes her head. “I feel fine. More than fine, actually.” She sighs. “I wish too that Captain Iba got have a celebration like this, even if we were in the middle of all the reconstructions, but I'm glad Captain Kuchiki gets to have this." she looks to the sky. "Things have been good lately.”

He nods with a grunt. He intends to keep things that way, for both of them.

Thinking back on the past nine years, his emotions had tempered down at some point. It came as a surprise when he realized his heart didn’t race every time he was around Momo and that the threat of a blush rarely came anymore. He could hold her hand with little issue and thinking about her didn't send him into fanciful thinking.

He’d grown frustrated with his reactions to her, had just wanted to be as he used to be around her. It's a relief, and yet, it makes him wonder if he's fallen out of love with her. Or maybe he's finally learned to temper his expectations, to know that she will likely never feel the same way about him.

The thought is almost enough to dampen his good spirits. He won’t be surprised if she came to him one day soon and told him about someone she had gotten close to, or that she had to cancel lunch plans because she was seeing another at the same time.

Perhaps she sees the turmoil within him, because she steps closer, gaze soft and hand already reaching for his. He’d gotten better at concealing his true feelings and thoughts from others, able to keep his expression impassive; it’s a skill he rarely has to use anymore, but when he does, it seems she can still read him regardless.

Toshiro gives her a questioning look when she laces her fingers between his. Her answering smile is wobbly, and a faint blush colours her cheeks. “It’s just nice to be here, to finally…have peace for as long as we have.”

A part of him has a sneaking suspicion that she’d intended to end her sentence differently, but the thought goes mute when she squeezes his hand.

The gesture reminds him that she's here, with him. She may never return his feelings and would likely find another to share such feelings with, but it hardly matters when he'd almost lost her once. After everything that happened, she still wants to be a friend to him, to move forward with him and others.

In that moment he feels ungrateful. How can he wish for more when she almost wasn’t here with them? It’s enough, he told himself, for her to be here in the peace with him and the others. To remain his closest friend and the one behind his motivation to become stronger.

And yet he couldn't stop the niggling question. Knowing he should never expect anything, he stills asks, "Why did you come looking for me?"

She considers for a moment. "I just noticed you weren't there. I thought maybe you'd already left...but I'm glad you're here. I'm glad we're both here."

The rainfall begins, causing her to look away from him. They're shaded by an awning, but she still reaches her hand out. Rain drops glimmer on her skin before falling either on the veranda or the garden before them.

His aching heart all but confirms he never fell out of love. Just like the first time, it's the smallest things she does that bring his feelings to the fore.

He can ask her why she stuck her hand out, but he doesn't. He let's the moment have whatever little magic it has on him. For once he doesn't want an explanation, he just lets something to be what it is.

#hitsuhina #toshiro hitsugaya #momo hinamori #bleach #fanfiction #fluff and sappiness #angst #rangiku matsumoto #queue

49 notes · View notes