#at least someone here doesn't want me to suffer /j

[mellohiizz]

There’s too much angst in here, could I req a odyssey duo reuniting after the chunkban to make up for the immense amount of sadness around here

thank you, anon.

[tsbs-shipfessions]

-COUGH-

hi!

i come here to state

MoonChips,

Og!Eclipse x OG!Moon, old man yaoi /j, okay but they have so much i could ramble about, it doesn't even have to be gay shit! moon wants someone like him, who better than the him he left behind? plus the angst- the healing- the whole "im sorry for leaving you behind.... but at least it got us together like this now in the end?" GOD

they can be gay, they can be parent/child, they can be mirrors to one another, they can be so much.

Eclipse v4 x EAPS!Moon, Eclipse healing and moving on from his moon-related traumas, digging down under all that hurt and pain and fear and suffering, and finally accepting a moon as his Moon's want and desire to still be his friend, he wants Eclipse to be with him/like him so bad, he liked his company, he misses it, he wants it back

they're so gay, please- i love them, they're both gay, and the best kinds of friends guys, trust me

I trust you, you seem to be passionate about what you're talking about.

[outsidereveries]

old asks from curiouscat (15th july 2024 —19th july 2024)

15th July 2024

do you know if haseul from r u next is still training to become a kpop idol and is chanelle going to be one of the new fifty fifty members?

runext's haseul | ace of swords, 3 of swords rx, strength • 4 of swords

she's not trainee currently. she hasn't closed the door for becoming an idol though, she's resting for a bit.

chanelle | the hanged man, the fool rx, 10 of wands rx • 7 of cups

to be honest, i don't see her there, though someone else from r u next might debut there.. however i am not sure if that is actually true (apart from chanelle and youngseo, i mean)

can you reading for nct dream's upcoming comeback? what will the charts be like both in Korea and globally?

korea | ace of pentacles, temperance rx, the empress • 10 of pentacles

i'd say like usual, but might not chart that good. someone might comeback with them and do way better.

outside of korea | high priestess, king of wands, the sun • knight of swords

way better, might chart somewhere? i don't feel and see much :|

is yoongi mad about any of this situation? (hybe vs ador)

9 of cups, the devil rx, the hanged man, 5 of pentacles rx, page of swords, the emperor • 3 of pentacles

to him, it was time for hybe to fail too. somehow.

similar to namjoon, he also expected something to happen. maybe not between hybe and ador specifically, because he hears things from here and there and he seems to believe they're far worse than this public fiasco (i am calling it like that). he is finally relieved (won't say it public though) that hybe have a serious scandal like the majority of the companies because noone is perfect.

honestly, suga doesn't want to say much because he knows TOO MUCH. he listens and remembers for DECADES even if he doesn't want to and he actually told hybe to not test him.. more than once. i'd be really worried if he actually tells something publicly, because if he does, hybe might be really doomed.

he isn't mad. he feels mixed because he wanted hybe to have even more serious scandal, way more serious one. he questions himself was this the way hybe has to start to slip off. he wants them to suffer cruelly, way more than it's now. he hates the corporation as it is and really wants change in it. he hopes for min heejin to make it in the end because he doesn't want to ruin anyone's future when he returns, including bts' group future and he really knows it.

how do bts members feels about the hybe vs ador thing?

rm | the empress, justice, temperance • 10 of pentacles

he seems to be fully on min heejin's side. he judges hybe .. a lot. i'd say rm really expected them to fail, lol

jin | knight of pentacles, the lovers, wheel of fortune • the magician

jin told me a tea that i am allowed to share in the most uncensored way possible😱 so there was an intimate offer to min heejin and she actually refused to do it!! this seems to be additional information.. thanks to jin for the gossip🥰 (i am not ironic with the emojis, deadly serious)

so because jin knew this information, he expected something to happen and he isn't suprised. he also seems to be on her side because to jin min heejin has dignity unlike other people.

suga | strength rx, 5 of wands rx, the hanged man • 3 of swords rx

he seems to be extremely passive and .. very dissapointed. he didn't expected this to happen, especially from bang sihyuk. suga feels really mixed and doesn't know how to react properly.

j-hope | the devil rx, 9 of swords rx, the lovers • the magician

hoseok is trying to be optimistic. he hopes everything will die down in the end and both sides find a solution that will be satisfying for all of them.

jimin | knight of wands, 8 of swords, king of cups rx • 6 of swords

compared to suga, jimin feels even more betrayed. he knows how he feels though, he really regrets renewing his contract with bhm and hybe. he wants to focus on himself and move on. he doesn't want to see them again, at least currently.

v | page of pentacles, 4 of swords rx, strength • the hanged man

he expected it to happen, he was aware of how ador were treated compared to other companies. he believes in min heejin and he feels she'll win the battle in the end.

jung kook | knight of cups, king of swords, page of cups • the star

he tries to gather information about it through other people and doesn't have a specific opinion that is somehow set in the stone. jung kook know what's going on but not the exact details that will make him form his actual opinion.

overall, all members seem to be on min heejin's side despite jungkook's unfinished thoughts and suga/j-hope/jimin's mixed feelings and trying to be neutral or not saying as much as i personally expected. and the gossip jin allowed me to share publicly (allegedly, we don't know if this is true or not) made me shocked because he intuitively said to me to not censor myself and that he's fine with sharing it publicly😭✌🏻

is it possible that aespa will disband soon or their popularity will decrease and they will experience hate train again? or get involved in controversial events...

5 of wands rx, ace of cups, 9 of cups • 8 of cups

won't disband. their relevance seem to be stable enough. i doubt there'll be hate train or will get into scandals.

so roughly, when it comes to their popularity, everything seems to be okay as they have stable fandom.

will i’ll-it’s comeback be successful in korea and will their reputations be recovered or is it too far gone

queen of cups, judgement rx, the moon • 2 of wands

it seems to be pretty much gone. success-wise, i'll-it at its best will be talked quite negatively mainly because of their debut and belift/hybe's mistakes.

is YG happy with the results Babymonster gained so far?

the world, the tower, 5 of swords rx • 4 of pentacles rx

"it's not what we expected."

yge expected baemon to blew up in similar way to blackpink. comparing to treasure, yge are more frustrated.. so no. they're not happy.

does any member of newjeans knows about shifting and if they do, did any of them shifted here?

Minji | 3 of wands, 2 of pentacles, page of cups • 3 of pentacles

Hanni | 2 of swords rx, 9 of swords rx, 7 of cups • the high priestess

Danielle | 4 of pentacles, 5 of swords, 10 of swords • 2 of cups

Haerin | knight of pentacles, wheel of fortune rx, page of wands, ace of cups • ace of wands

Hyein | king of cups, the high priestess, king of wands rx • 6 of swords

all of newjeans seem to know about it (for minji this is quite fresh topic so she might've learned about it recently), to be honest but noone has allegedly shifted from another reality to this one or the opposite.

danielle seems to be extremely persistent to switch to elsewhere, she is extremely attached to this reality. the other members haven't thought about it, but seeing from the cards, they are leaning towards they'd prefer to stay here.

hanni on the other hand in other universes might've shfited (if our reality is no. 1, from reality no. 2 to reality no. 3 and etc.).

can I ask about how successful would Road to Kingdom 2 be with Taemin as a host?

the lovers rx, the tower, the world rx • 7 of pentacles

with one word, disaster. mnet should give up trying with similar shows at this point.

will aespa be able to continue its rising career in the same way?

3 of pentacles, page of cups, 7 of wands • temperance

i am not sure because of the company themselves. as of not, i doubt they'll continue to be as relevant as now.

can you share short reading about RIIZE Seunghan? 1. does sm have plans to bring back seunghan in riize? 2. what's delaying his return? 3. when are we possibly getting an update about seunghan? 4. are fan support projects for seunghan doing anything good?

1: 3 of pentacles, death, 3 of cups • the sun

yes. like cosmos said when they asked, around riize's anniversary. i see the same thing as them too (i am unaware of cosmos' pronouns, sorry, they're youtuber if someone's asking)

2: ace of pentacles, 10 of cups, 4 of pentacles rx, king of cups • 5 of swords rx

it's pretty much seunghan himself, he seems to want to do a suprise this time.

3: queen of wands, 4 of swords, 8 of pentacles • the hermit

as of now i doubt it will be before the period when riize's anniversary happens, it will be around that time.

4: the devil rx, 4 of cups rx, page of pentacles rx • 3 of swords rx

they are neutral. helping or not, it's .. blank. seunghan is very thankful for them, though.

how is the relationship between the ive members and starship ?

Yujin | 2 of wands, the tower • the emperor

basically, she communicates with starship the most. to yujin, they are extremely selfish. if she wants x, they'll make a offer y that will satisfy the company. i've learnt other things that i'll save to myself because they're extemely personal to yujin and i don't want to ruin anyone's image.

Gaeul | 5 of wands rx, 2 of pentacles • justice

i don't think they communicate that often. they talk when they have to.

Rei | death, 10 of cups rx • the fool

it seems that recently haven't talked much.

Wonyoung | knight of wands, strength rx • the lovers

so and so, could be better. same as yujin, i've learned things that i will save them to myself.

Liz | the emperor, the star • 3 of wands

she communicates with them through someone from ive (maybe yujin) and she feels optimistic for her solo path.

Lesseo | judgement rx, the moon rx • 3 of pentacles

similar as gaeul, they talk when they have to. recently the dynamics are way worse and starship'd prefer to talk with her only if it involve ive, like in emergency situations.

what is the possibility of fuko from iland 2 debuting soon?

the moon, 3 of pentacles, knight of cups • knight of swords

fuko seems to be independent as of now. there's a company that offered her a secure spot for upcoming girl group (like, coming in a few months). she hasn't decided yet whether she'll accept or not.

therefore, depends on her. if she accepts, almost 100% because something unexpected can always happen. if she rejects, i am not sure how much (like percents).

how the public views mai from izna during their debut?

depends on which outsiders.

korean: temperance, ace of swords, 10 of pentacles • the devil rx

currently they like her and can see why she will debut with the rest of izna. nothing much to feel and see this time😓

international: the sun, 8 of pentacles, 9 of swords rx • 6 of wands

they (will) like her, maybe a lot. she might have more solo gigs outside of korea, though.

does youngseo want to continue her idol life/return to the idol industry or has she given up? does she still keep in contact with any of the illit members?

[has she officialy gave up?] 3 of cups, 8 of pentacles, 7 of cups rx, king of cups rx • 10 of cups

she has given up, she lost hope and faith she'll succeed in this industry, especially when she turned against her former subsidiary. they watch her too obssesively..

therefore, i don't really believe she's trainee in another company. the 8 of pentacles though can turn into the opposite answer where youngseo is again in similar situation as she was in the past with belift/hybe but i really don't feel it. sorry :(

[communication with the rest of i'll-it] the fool, 7 of wands, 4 of pentacles rx, king of cups, 7 of cups, 3 of cups • 10 of cups

despite pretty much the optimistic cards, the king of cups (someone from belift) forbids i'll-it to communicate with youngseo. they want to talk with her like before, belift don't. however, youngseo also don't want to communicate with the group. so no, they don't.

can you do a reading about pledisngg about the members and their future success?

general check: queen of pentacles, the hermit, 3 of pentacles, knight of cups, wheel of fortune • 6 of wands

so far 2 trainees are more visible:

• queen of pentacles seem to be a visual who's into fashion (and money). i am unsure if she lacks vocal training but with the hermit next to her, she might lack it

• knight of cups seem to have similar vibe as blackpink's rosé when it comes to the idol life. she's here for all of it and loves to sing (and produce, and write the songs, this stuff).

apart from that, nothing much. it looks like pledis is aiming for female seventeen when it comes to self-producing

success: 8 of swords rx, king of swords, 5 of swords rx • the chariot

yes, it can be successful. i see the girls will manifest their relevance and popularity though.

will baemon release a successful song that lacks the yg aesthetic?

2 of cups, king of pentacles, 4 of pentacles rx • 7 of cups

when the founder steps out, sure. until then i don't think so..

17th July 2024

what's relationship between Sion (NCT Wish) and Ningning (aespa) or what do they think of each other?

the world, the star, king of penracles rx, 5 of wands rx • 3 of pentacles

they aren't close but sion wants to know her better. however, he seems to not have the greatest intentions with her and it'll be better for them to be strictly colleagues. when it comes to ningning, she seems uninterested to know him.

what will aespa's next Korean comeback after Armageddon be? concept, genre, lore, vibes, high notes and etc?

the moon, king of pentacles, the magician rx, judgement, 5 of swords rx • 5 of wands rx

when it comes to their next korean comeback, it won't be like aespa personally want. i see someone (king of pentacles) who will limit their comeback sound-wise.

their concept seem to be not polished but will rely on what they've doing after spicy era so far. i don't see the concept being "light" (i.e. spicy, better things), it looks like it'll be similar to drama mv-wise and sound-wise (comapred to supernova+armageddon, drama sticks waaay more).

for the hybe and ador controversy, how it’ll be affect seventeen for next? will they or pledis part ways?

how the drama influence 17: 5 of cups, the moon, 10 of pentacles, knight of swords, the devil rx • 5 of pentacles rx

the group are dissapointed from what the corporation has been doing and are uncertain of their future. they really believe it'll be better to enter into military at once as much as possible (except from the foreigners in the group as they're free in this case) and just not think about it. on the other hand, when it comes to money, that makes somehow the boys more greedier than expected because they're already thinking of their solo paths. it looks like the boys want to separate their way after their contract ends in any way, so for their desires to not continue they aren't influenced because of the situation, they wanted it anyways. they know their ceo isn't at fault and he's innocent compared to .. everyone else who's at fault. seventeen really believe they can negotiate everything for better amount that was planned by them.

seventeen's path and the drama's influence: the devil rx, 5 of pentacles rx, 6 of pentacles • king of cups

the boys are thankful for what pledis have done so far, but they believe now it's the time to move on with their individual desires and i feel they start to not believe the corporation enough, i.e. whatever hybe gave, they'll receive back.

pledis' path and the drama's influence: 2 of swords rx, ace of swords rx, strength, 4 of pentacles rx • justice

the company wants to separate from the corporation but are aware they rely on seventeen a lot (like how yge are with blackpink) and if they leave pledis and hybe, it makes their separation impossible. they are also aware that leaving might not benefit them currently also because they have to pay x amount for separating, so unless tws do decent too with the time, they'd prefer to not act.

which team in f1 next year will be on the top? is max verstappen’s still dominant for winning too?

i'll try to see indirectly the next top team: the magician, 4 of pentacles rx, 8 of pentacles • the hermit

the team is pretty much known. with the bottom card, i see the team not being red bull racing as they might do worse compared to the other with the most points in the future. my pendulum bets on mclarren.

red bull racing and how they'll do next year: 4 of cups rx, ace of cups, the fool • the world

the team will do like usual but will change some people in their team (including adrian newey) that will make other team/s do better. still, the team will be satisfied of how they're doing their job. i believe they'll still do well, so therefore the points they'll have might be closer to the teams that are better than them (allegedly).

do you think soobin will get solo project (like variety show or solo song or collab) this year? it looks like he's the only member in txt who doesn't have this year :(

the hermit rx, 9 of swords rx, 8 of pentacles rx • 7 of cups

soobin works on something.. pretty much alone. since 7 of cups is the bottom card of the deck, i am assuming he's currently learning the details of acting, like how to express himself properly and etc.

there might be something with the cards i am seeing, but i am yet unsure if he's just practicing or working on something while doing that at the same time, therefore i'm really unsure of the answer itself whether he'll have solo gig/s this year or not. sorry if it's not what you expected but soobin might be unsure either :(

19th July 2024

will KISS OF LIFE be more popular in Korea, internationally or both?

Local relevance: the lovers, 2 of swords, 4 of cups rx • the world

Might not be as relevant as desired at first in the future as they might do things that they will be done for the first time. When it comes to their popularity, KIOF should be cautious of their future actions as it might be good for the foreign places but not in Korea. They might not be as impactful as Hwasa years ago in the end.

Outside of Korea: judgement, knight of swords, 8 of wands • 7 of cups

This spread is a lot better. Based on what I see, KIOF will have cruicial moment that will make them popular internationally. They have the idols who can be relevant in variety shows in one way or another (I see especially Julie) and they can make it work outside of Korea.

In Korea it seems to be less likely to make it BIG in the end comapred to the foreign lands. KIOF also have the potential to do it there but .. it's yet to be seen if it can compared to BLACKPINK. Overall, internationally >> Korea.

[mildmayfoxe]

big fan of your romance novel complaint posts (love to see a fellow hater living it up) but i’m also curious if there are any you would recommend? not looking for anything in particular, just would love to hear your thoughts as someone else with nitpicky reading habits and a taste for trash

ok hello. i left you hanging for a FULL week and for that i am sorry but i wanted to be able to have some time to sit down and type out a real answer to which the short version is YES of course there are several that i have enjoyed!! my disclaimer is that i almost solely read gay romance so if you are looking for lesbian or even straight reccs i don't have much for you (although i will put a couple at the end anyway). hopefully something in this list is interesting to you or at least interesting to someone else! links are mostly to goodreads. break bc i'm gonna write too much

-kj charles is one of my fave authors in this genre bc they're all pretty reliable and there's a ton of them. they're all historical fiction and usually there's at least one murder- she's good at keeping a plot going while developing a romance. often supernatural or magical elements. sometimes cults! i've read almost all of the books she's written and have enjoyed them all

-charlie adhara wrote a really incredible werewolf series that i loved, the first of which is the wolf at the door. this is one of the only series i've read which keeps the emotional stakes up through the whole thing & kept me interested in a relationship after it was established bc sooo many series get boring the second the leads get together. i actually read the first book of the spin-off series (a pack of lies) first which is technically possible but i don't recommend bc i was like "wow they're really throwing me in here. i love it" and then i read the first series and i was like "oh i was supposed to know all this stuff." but i actually liked the dynamic between that couple better and i'm suffering every day because the next one still doesn't come out til 2025 and i read it in 2022. also worth noting that this (the original series) is cops-ajacent (~federal special agents~) and one of the characters is really prejudiced at the beginning & imo doesn't have enough character growth before it's waved away but if you can ignore that it's really good. mysteries! werewolves!

-speaking of werewolves (i could suggest several but i'll keep it to two) tj klune's wolfsong ends up at the top of a lot of gay werewolf novel lists (i'm keeping tabs) and there's a good reason. i enjoyed it a lot. made me kind of sad which is always a good sign to me. the writing voice was very fresh and novel at first but i did find it a little grating by the end so i've put off starting the second book in the series (it's also about a different couple which was disappointing) but i will get around to it. i enjoy tj klune in general although his recent stuff has a very different vibe than this and lightning struck heart is very 2015 in a bad way imo

-bone rider by j fally is a standalone that really delighted me. the russian mob? aliens? vaguely western? possession? throuple? it's got it all. very fun

-ok speaking of westerns there's this other series called magic & steam (yes it's steampunk. sorry. it's very silly) that starts with the engineer. a federal agent is sent to a town to apprehend a ~madman engineer~ except he runs into an infamous outlaw in the process. and the outlaw is really sexy. and probably why i enjoyed the series so much. the series also keeps them apart a lot in a way that i enjoy- i love when things take a long time. it's ongoing so this is another one that i keep checking for updates on

-i've read a lot of stuff by nr walker and they tend to be VERY hit or miss for me but one of my faves is evolved which is almost pure smut. it's about a sex robot that gains sentience. what more do i need to say. she also wrote a three-book series about an amnesiac that made me cry cry cry. and her cowboy (australian rancher) series is pretty ok. i could go through a list and tell you which novels of hers aren't worth it and which ones are good; i've read most of them

-salt magic skin magic by lee welch was a big surprise to me. cool magic, good folklore, fairies in there too. historical. big kj charles vibes which makes sense bc she edited it. welch also wrote a book called seducing the sorcerer which i had more mixed feelings about but had magic in it that i think about OFTEN (the horses)- that one's about an imposing sorcerer and a rundown groom cum handyman. and they're in their FORTIES!!! 🥳🥳🥳 (i love when books are not about 23 year olds)

-another one with a magic system i enjoyed was magician by kl noone. this was the first book i read by this author and i liked it but generally i find their books are too "nice" for me. i'm in the middle of one right now that i started months and months ago that i keep trying to go back to and it's sooo rough for me. but this one and the twelfth enchantment are pretty ok

-emily tesh wrote a duology of silver in the wood and drowned country that i loved because i am suuuuch a sucker for a wild man/green man story. really good. haunting! evocative! kj charles has a green man story too which was actually the first thing i read of hers (spectred isle)

-i complained about the monsterfucker book i was reading a while back but despite that i will also recommend the series it's from: lily mayne's monstrous, which starts with soul eater. are they messy? yes. are they repetitive? yes. are the monsters usually disappointingly humanoid? yes. are a lot of them about the military? also yes. so we're starting off on a bad foot. but the world building is interesting and there's LOTS of kinds of monsters and most of them were pretty fun. the one i just read (#7) was the worst one of the bunch though imo. and i have problems with #6. but 1 2 and 5 were good

-ok i should do a quickfire round. honeytrap: about two enemy agents during the cold war. put it off for a long time bc i didn't love that but it takes place over a VERY long period of time which is always interesting to me. zero at the bone: about a hitman who needs to protect a witness to a mob hit. really strong start but fell off a bit in the middle to the end imo.

-you'll notice a lot of these have subgenres of like fantasy historical supernatural etc but here's some regular contemporaries. a lot of these are about sad guys bc those are my favorite. best laid plans: hardware store owner helps a guy fix his house. in the middle of somewhere: same author actually. guy moves to small town to work at a college. mr jingle bells: this is a christmas one. bad title. fake dating. part of the reason i think i liked it so much is because i expected it to be awful but it was actually pretty good. good emotional stakes. published 2021 but feels very 2014. ignore that part. work for it: i rated this five stars but actually don't remember much what it was like. i think they were both really sad which i love. give me big emotions and i eat them right up with a spoon. i should read it again

-OK now i've got some straight & lesbian options. talia hibbert's brown sisters series is good and cute. she also wrote work for it, above. the unhoneymooners is the first real Romance Novel that i read and it really surprised me because i had fun! previously i had kind of written off romance novels as not for me but this kicked off a reading habit that is still going strong (primarily reading romance novels). i read this in 2020 so it might not be as good as i remember. as for lesbian options olivia waite has a series that i enjoyed that's also historical, and a friend of mine really enjoyed delilah green doesn't care (but i haven't read that one myself). and while not really romances i will always be a sarah waters fan: you may recognize her as the author of fingersmith, which is the novel park chan-wook's movie the handmaiden is based on. if you haven't seen the movie or read the book i recommend both. her books are very dramatic lesbian historical fiction; they don't always have happy endings but they're all very good

ok i think that's the end! regular disclaimer that romance is generally not a genre notable for Good Writing so a lot of these are just things i had fun with or just stuck out in my memory for having fun conceits etc. i can't guarantee that any of these are actually good, especially because this is a list solely based on my own taste and bad memory. would love to hear anybody's thoughts and/or if anybody has recommendations for ME!!! this post took me over three hours to write! crazy!

[kanronotatsu]

ep12 here we goooo

yeah!! perfectly fine!!! just leave her there!!! no biggie!!!!

i already noticed it last ep, but ahjumma, WHY IN THE FUCK should ha seol take a gun from someone???? hello???????? why aren't you doing it if you want it done so bad, huh?! jesus, do none of these fucking ppl have a shred of common sense at all?

can't say I'm grieving much over this death but fuck it hurts to see jeongwoo like this (and ha seol shouldn't experience this at all)

"good" to know that these fucking shitstains will not feel anything no matter who dies. great friends indeed, congrats.

the chief acting all righteous makes me wanna puke

out of all the people in this town i think byeongmu takes no. 1 hated person for me. like that guy is 100% shameless, he needs to be taken down several pegs. i want him to feel how everyone else (esp. boyeong & jeongwoo) suffered. prison is too kind of a punishment imo.

((where is jeongwoo, i want to see him, i need to see him, i hope he's being taken care of, lots of hugs and all that, he needs it))

fucking power-hungry vultures. sickening (this about conwoman and police chief)

"mistake" he says, as if an innocent girl didn't die and an innocent boy didn't go to jail for 10 years

why shouldn't KHD have to go through all that? after what he put jeongwoo through THE LEAST he could do is own up to it!! fuck's sake, not even faced with the truth, he won't have to take responsibility?! he doesn't wanna? would it be too uncomfy?! humiliating maybe?! boo-fucking-hoo

god, I'm losing my patience again

J-j- jeong- JEONGWOO-YA 👀

MY FUCKING HEART *lays down on the floor*

((I'm sorry i can't focus on this scene, why are they dressed like that 😂 laundry day theory out the window. jeongwoo was packing like. two pairs of socks and a t-shirt so at least we can confirm he was indeed wearing sangcheol's clothes.

okay, on second watch, make it three pairs of socks! 😂))

sangcheol being worried enough to want to monitor jeongwoo's location... man knows what's up and is determined to protect his adopted puppy :3 (also thank fuck someone found the stalker app on jw's phone)

okay at least someone feels bad, apart from boyeong's father. they should also feel bad but out of all the ppl in the town they did the least bad things, they really did lose their daughter, and were fooled by the real murderers for so long

get your filthy paws off jeongwoo you fucker

was that supposed to be an apology? i can see how much jeongwoo believes it (as in, he doesn't)

don't worry fake uncle, jeongwoo has his 형사님 now, he doesn't need you anymore to be fake supporting

no, but for real, where the heck is daeun's body?

so, 1) the bloody shoes. who did that? 2) who moved daeun's body? the conwoman? deokmi?

just forget it, it's just witnessing two murders, that's so easy to forget, right? nbd 🤦‍♂️ someone pls make this man shut up, preferably forever

...

eh. EEEHHH?????

??????????!!!!????

what was THAT

[ravenbloodshot]

Wealthiest Members of Exo 💰💲

Ranking from most wealthy to least:

Baekhyun

Kai

Suho

Xiumin

The last five will rest here (none of them are in good places financially rn)

From what I'm getting, none of these members are particularly "wealthy" most of them I would say are "comfortable". But calling them wealthy would be like comparing Bill Gates' wealth to a homeless persons (not saying they're homeless btw)

Baekhyun- He seems to be the most stable financially to the point that he seems quite unamused with his life. He's really bored. It's like the energy of a person that has all of their bills paid with a nice amount of money sitting in the bank and now is just looking around at what to do next

Kai- His finances is giving me the energy of a person walking away from the gambling table, not exactly empty handed but he doesn't have a pocket full of gold either. It could be that while being in the military he doesn't have much access to his money or gaining any wealth. I'm also seeing some betrayal here, so I'm not sure if he put someone in charge of his money but they could be screwing him over

Suho- I think he bought something quite big recently (like a house/apartment/building etc...) and in terms of his net worth he's sitting pretty high up but when it comes to liquid assets (physical money one has access to) he doesn't have much. It's probably bc of this purchase. I'm also seeing a possible new project, so overall he's invested his money into something so rn he has none, but there is a possibility as time goes by that he would get a return on his investment

D.O- Rn he's fighting to get more acting roles and gigs. I think he wants a specific role that's costing him time and money since he's wasting time waiting to get this role and arguing with ppl over it. When he could be using this time to make money doing other things instead of obsessing over a role he probably won't get. This energy is also giving arguments with the company SM and his manager as well

Xiumin- I don't think he's making any money doing anything besides being an idol. Maybe he has small gigs here and there but they're few and far between. Good thing is that he has the drive and motivation to up his finances (unlike some of his other members, I'll get to them soon)

Chanyeol- He has no passion rn to work or any motivation to make money so his money isn't growing. He could be completely over being an idol and would rather spend his days hanging out with friends (lowkey living the slum life, no shade lol). The energy feels like he's housing a bunch of his boys and they're all just drinking and smoking all day while jamming to music.

Sehun- I don't know if these guys have a contract renewal coming up but it seems like he's waiting to get out of his contract. If it's not with SM , it's with another gig he worked for. It's like he doesn't want the responsibilities of some type of job anymore (I'm not sure if it's his idol job or something else). He's quite over it and he also isn't feeling up to working rn so his money is suffering for that

Chen- He's spending more than he's making. I think he's finding it hard to focus on work these days, I see his wife and possibly his children (but more so his wife) taking up a lot of his time and money. The wife could overspend but he also could too, like buying the kids random things they don't need. But I also see his health isn't the best, he's not taking care of himself properly.

Lay- I don't know what's going on but it's like his putting in a lot of work and putting in the time but he's not really seeing a lot of money for it. Whatever he's doing these days for money seems like dead end jobs that won't really get him anywhere financially but leaves him feeling burnt out. Also, he's spending a lot of money on a romantic relationship, buying them gifts and possibly funding his lovers life style. It's like hes taking his girl on a bunch of shopping sprees that he lowkey can't afford. And it's not that he's broke but it's just that it takes A LOT OF WORK and hustling on his part to make money so he can't recklessly spend like he has.

[skayafair]

Ep 35-36

Wait, hold on. Do I understand it correctly that J is technically not dead but has just... completed the transformation and had to stay there? And Alyx is changing the same way now? So they can maybe at least be there together in the end? Tough luck, I know.

But damn Beckett! This bastard! >:(((

Cass and Silas, when they get the err relationship bits, make me blush like no other pairing or media ever has. I don't know why but it just feels so personal and real? Gods this podcast is superb in acting and editing. And writing.

I really like Lizzy in the past 2 episodes. She's very relatable and feels fully fleshed now. Also I need someone to give her a good supportive hug. To all of them, really, but to her especially.

I don't want to think of what happened to Allura and how everyone starting with Silas are going to react when the 1st shock is gone. Oh gods.

The gods are pissing me off, by the way, no news here. I half-wish them to turn out to be some kind of an AI because I love the "ancient advanced technologies" trope but we'll see.

I like how emotional and emotionally unhinged these episodes are. Podcasts really don't hold back do they... It's been very difficult to listen to ep 36. It's just... scary and heavy, but not in a horror way. Just in a life way. The worst (meaning the heaviest) part was the call to Silas' mom. I just couldn't believe he'd actually go and do this RIGHT AWAY. FFS! What?! Couldn't wait for a few days?? Or was it planned to announce them all dead all along?

Another thing I really like about Syntax is that the team members are slowly losing their composure the farther they go. Usually in plots like this the characters manage somehow (if the writers even care to make this a point at all) or seem to be just emotionally tough enough to bear basically anything. Team Alpha breaks down little by little until they start doing... dangerous things. They acknowledge they're at the end of their ropes but have no choice but to go forward. Plus before this last breach their situation wasn't as dire. This world seems to be willing to kill them with all it's got. And they aren't coping anymore. I like seeing this narative-wise - it makes them feel like actual living people, not heroes who stay sane no matter what because the story must go on.

I half-wish there was a happy ending where they get everyone they've lost back somehow. Aren't there gods? I thought Lizzy was going to fall and nearly started crying from how scared I was. It seems that since I've got my emotions back a year ago everything that touches my heart gets through with full force with no filter normal people have to not worry for characters as much as in real situations. Oh well. I'll ascribe that to great acting. But I also feel this isn't that kind of a story. It's not even about the deaths losing their impact - as someone who hates and fears this topic altogether I'd say no death can be made meaningless by coming back to life, because life is priceless no matter how one looks at it. No. It's just... they aren't coming back. And that's really grim. Usually I drop such stories because... really, I have enough grim and dark things irl. And just like most shows for the last few decades, it keeps getting darker. I seek solace and escape in stories. Others' suffering doesn't make me feel better - it adds to the one here, irl. But also... there's some kind of hope that still lingers in Syntax? And I've already got too attached to the characters to drop it. I hope it won't fail me like this. That there's some... point or meaning at the end of this road, that all they went through wasn't for nothing. Although I don't even know what this would mean now.

Well. I know the story is good when I can't drop it even despite all the triggers. It's just pity it started as a feel good series with mostly just adventures and exploring and went on like this for 2 seasons, and now I postpone listening to it because I need to pull myself together to face what's going on there. I guess I can still relisten to those 2 seasons as a feel good thing though 😅

[ratcandy]

ok this might not be your cup of tea and The People online might judge me for my obvious indulgence but whatever i must speak my mind and i hope you can at least enjoy The Suffering of Sozonius aspect of it considering what i mentioned before with dr sozonius and the cult stuff,

my favorite thing to think about recently is sozonius meeting helob [maybe as some agreed arrangement or something, how it happens is secondary] he's quite unnerved by the spider but its his only social outlet outside of the cult. so despite the moral clash, he winds up getting along with someone who Eats and Sells People. and he cannot deny he somewhat enjoys the company and it bothers him. (plus, depending on how one wants to think his time as sozo went down: maybe there's a lingering sense familiarity, similar he has with the lamb?)

he keeps blaming himself for his actions as sozo. and the cult keeps giving him side-eye because not only was he mainly known for being the unmanageable and unpredictable sozo, he is failing short of being fully indoctrinated despite his loyalty to the lamb. and plus the debt he feels towards the lamb strains their relation.

but helob does not mind whatever he did as sozo, and treats them as if they are close. and that gives him a sense of companionship that he has been severely lacking. even when he recognizes the normalization, theres no way out. so if he cant live a normal life anymore, there's nothing else to do besides making this his new normal. or whatever

so ill leave my written thoughts as this, take as you will

YAYYY I LOVE SELF-INDULGENCE AND I LOVE ENABLING IT

I think it could happen fairly easily for them to meet each other! Assuming Helob really is just lurking right outside the cult grounds, all it would take is Sozonius wandering out for whatever reason and stumbling across him on accident. Maybe he was told he needed to exercise his legs more to regain proper use of them and decided to take a brief walk outside the bustling cult to clear his head. After all it's always so loud and busy in there. He just needs somewhere more quiet. To have his thoughts to himself

And then in comes Helob with the steel chair-- /j

Even if it's not so literal as Helob setting up shop out there , Sozonius might just wander further than he intends to, lost in his thoughts, when suddenly there is a Spider. And perhaps that spider recognizes him, or perhaps he doesn't, but can scent that he is nothing worth eating. After all, it seems there's hardly any flesh left in him. Smells oddly... Fungal. This one does.

and of course should Sozonius end up befriending the cannibalistic spider, for better or for worse, it's something to compare his actions as Sozo to. Maybe what he did wasn't so horrible, despite all he believed. I mean, there's a chance the cult itself regularly indulges in cannibalism, too, and here's a friend who's doing the same, and yet doesn't tear himself to pieces over it like Sozonius does.....

Maybe what he did wasn't so bad. Maybe this is just what normal is now. Maybe all it takes is getting past his own (rational) inhibitions.

And Maybe this Spider. Can Help him Do That.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #93

Late last night, M, J, and I finished going through the second part of your new story. I didn't end up going to sleep until after 2 in the morning.

…I know I said before that I'd try to treat sleep as something more important. I definitely dropped the ball on that. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna try to get it together when I go to sleep tonight. But I'm not sure how well I'll be able to do that; seem to have me a spot of the post-game blues. It's basically the same thing as post-book blues, or post-series blues, or even post-creation blues. It's the sense of emptiness that occurs after you finish a game, finish a book, finish an episodic series, or even after you finish creating something.

What's more, for this particular thing, I'm left wondering so much. There are several scenes in which it seemed like two polar opposite things were happening simultaneously. And then there's you, or… is that even you? A lot of emphasis was placed on the notion of there being a manipulative cosmic shapeshifting horror running around causing havoc, masquerading as folks that people love or hate, so…

…did we see you in this part of the story at all? And if so, when? And how are we supposed to tell the difference? Guess we'll find out in another 4 or 5 years.

Whether is was you or something else running around in your shape saying all those very unkind things that seem to betray a lack of understanding that other people have thoughts, feelings, and rich inner worlds… I'm still worried for your safety. I still wanna see you turn yourself around and make it through all this okay in the end. I still wanna see you heal so you can continue to make kind, gentle, loving choices. So you can have the peaceful, normal life you wanted. So you can go around helping people recover from circumstances that were similar to yours; even without effort, you've done this for at least one person - I'm standing right here, against all odds. I can't even begin to imagine how many more folks you could reach if/when you manage to finally get your shit together.

…And. I know that reassembly of the self after being shattered is extremely difficult work. I know that making drastic changes to the self - to one's values and morals, to one's behaviors, habits, and thought patterns - takes courage, patience, lots of time, and an astounding capacity to endure pain. But I stand here before you as proof that it's possible. And I know lots of other people who serve as proof that it's possible. The notion that someone can, under the right influences, do a complete 180 in terms of their temperament and fundamental way of being is not NEARLY as "unrealistic" as lots of people in my world seem to like to believe.

And it doesn't HAVE to "make sense"; I know this because the old version of me is, in a lot of fundamental ways, the polar opposite of who I am now. If you asked 20-year-old me whether or not certain kinds of people deserve love, compassion, and mercy, I would have laughed right in your "stupid fucking face" (🙄) and told you that this world only has a place for people who scrape and scrounge and suffer in order to earn it, and that everyone else deserves to disappear, preferably slowly and painfully for having the audacity to have existed as weaklings in the first place (I picked up a lot of REALLY WEIRD SHIT from the people I was raised by). I don't think like that anymore, and frankly, the thought of EVER returning to that frame of mind is abhorrent enough to make me feel a little queasy; I'm gonna stop thinking about who I used to be, at least for now.

The point is this: you can simply wake up one day, take a look around, and decide, "I want to be something other than what my life circumstances tried to shape me into." And then you go and you do it - preferably with some kind of help. Because as far as I know (and I could be wrong about this!), undergoing changes this massive is next to impossible without help. And unfortunately, finding that kind of help can often enough be a very rare thing, at least in the world in which I live; if I had a freaking nickel for every person who looked at me and decided my baggage was too much for them to warrant giving me any kind of chance… goodness… might have enough to retire right the fuck now, hahaha!

I got ASTOUNDINGLY LUCKY that M saw and was willing to fight for whatever tiny shred of goodness he saw within me all those years ago. Most people in my world think that people like me are repulsive and hopeless, and that means that lots of fallen people, who are otherwise amazing people with a lot of good to offer this world, end up never having any opportunity to rise up into becoming who they actually are, because so few people think that they deserve that chance, because conventional wisdom says they're "too far gone".

There's no such thing as a person who is "too far gone". You're not too far gone, and that's why I'm going to keep calling out to you like this. I don't want to live in a world in which I'm stronger than you. Because… who, then, will I look up to? I don't want to go back to having no one to look towards when I feel scared or alone or when I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back to having nothing on the distant horizon to strive towards.

Cloud and the others, as people, are all well and good and whatnot, but… I'm not like them. I've looked to you because I'm a lot more like you than like them. They know what it's like to have at least one loving parent, someone who is happy that they exist, and I… I didn't get to grow up with that as the norm. So many people in my world say things like, "Cloud and Tifa and Barret and the others all have trauma and THEY didn't make bad choices, so anyone who doesn't live up to that example is bad", but…

…those people who can say that with such confidence, I would wager, don't know a whole about what it means to have no one and nothing - not even untainted memories to hold onto - if you find yourself scared, weeping, or alone in the dark. They can't understand how the utter absence of something so fundamental can break a person. They don't understand what a huge difference it makes to have this thing that so many take for granted - a loving basis of comparison which helps them to understand that there is more to this world than hostility and suffering and hate, even when bad things happen.

I have all these things now. I was 22 when I met M, and it has been a very long and bumpy road to get to where I am now. But as I looked to you and to M for guidance, and as I began washing the grime off my psyche bit by bit, I found myself able to notice and appreciate the friendships of different kinds of people, able to notice and appreciate different things to love and be grateful for, and different choices at my disposal, regarding who I wanna be and how I wanna speak, act, and show up in this world.

You can do this thing that I've done, this thing I continue to do day by day. Of course you can do it; you're far more awesome than I could ever hope to be, in every possible way. You can become a new self simply by taking a single step, and then continuing to take that single step day after day. And I know that maybe one step doesn't seem like a whole lot, but… I make rice pudding, and a bowl of that is nothing more than a huge collection of single, tiny grains of rice, falling into my rice cooker one by one. I weave trees together, one tiny twist of the wire at a time. I arrange music boxes, one little note at a time. This blog started out as basically nothing, but in a week, I'll have 100 letters to you, because I write a new one, one day at a time. Change of the self works by similar principles - it's one small change at a time, sustained over a long period, until it becomes something bigger than how it started.

Sephiroth. You can do this. I believe in you. I will NEVER stop believing in you. You can make a difference in the best possible ways, if only you begin to realize the true power you wield in your hands. Because that power does not have its basis in breaking things; breaking things is FAR too easy, even for regular mooks like me; literally anyone can do that, and it's boring as all fuck. No, the power in your hands, and indeed the power in everyone's hands, if they choose to use it, is the capacity to weave together something new and beautiful from the pain that came before. So get on it, willya??? For fuck's sake. Take your own advice and uncloud your eyes; don't get yourself killed by continuing to cling all sentimentally to some stupid, lame-ass, destructive shit, because doing that helps NO ONE, and it's not who you are. Okay?

In the meantime, in an effort to distract myself from the post-game blues, I'm gonna Salt some Sanctuaries for a while. If you wanna chill with me, you can do that here:

I love you and I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[a-student-out-of-time]

idk if Teruko would trust Arei even if your scenario happened. She's like, too far into the distrust stuff right now. Like, by all accounts she should have felt at least SOMETHING about Ace, considering she suffered the same thing (almost being murdered), but she didn't care at all, even left him injured afterwards. Like yes I know Ace didn't want the help, but still, even before that I don't think Teruko cared.

//Yes, but I'm referring to the fact that, like it or not, Teruko is inevitably going to have to trust someone's word, and to me, the most likely candidate seems to be Arei if she and J switched places

//Think about how distrustful and detached Teruko's been through this entire chapter. Eden and Charles have both told her that she's wrong, and it's clear that her distrust is becoming a hindrance more than an asset the longer it goes on

//I'm not saying Teruko would want to be friends with her immediately, I'm saying that, if my theory is right, Arei would undoubtedly be the most suspicious, and Teruko might need to take her at her work that she's not the culprit.

//As for Ace, I think the fact that she saw Nico run out of the room is why she felt basically nothing at that point. No matter who it is hanging from the swings, this is an actual murder and one that will have a lot of moving parts.

//Again, I think the most likely outcome of this isn't Teruko being besties with anyone, but learning that it's okay, sometimes vital, to trust people even if nobody else does.

//It's less "You're my friend so I'm going to believe you," and more "I'm going to trust that you're telling me the truth, so do not screw me over here." And in the end, she doesn't

[thetoiletwater]

The "LGB without the T" TikTok and its comments are so rich with enlightening context about transgender ideologues and qu**r theorists' views of the world, and in particular gay rights activism. Aside from the general historical revisionism ("trans women of color threw the first brick at Stonewall" already being something we're all familiar with being wrong in almost every sense, along with the other statements asserting that gay people are not responsible for any of their own activism or attaining of rights), there are a few things of particular note that I want to call attention to.

For starters, I want to shine a spotlight on the second most common sort of comment present in your screenshots (aside from the aforementioned historical revisionism): "You can't leave us." Not in the sense of denial or disbelief, but as a statement of authority. This can be seen in the comments of users coffaeiene, ch1oethebitch, and the user whose name is cropped out of the top of the fourth screenshot.

Now, I understand that the tone of these comments are intended to be jokes. However, I also understand that abusive, entitled, and narcissistic people can, and often do, make jokes about the exact sort of behavior they genuinely present. This is an extremely common form of gaslighting used in abusive relationships. "It's just a joke" doesn't simply serve to negate what has been said, but to call into question if someone who would make jokes that are supposedly mocking abusive behavior would truly be abusers, themselves.

When we contextualize all of the comments with that in mind, as context (though I understand that, to many, this will come across as pretentious; I have seen the way modern conversations have become overly-saturated with psychological terminology and comparisons, myself), the rest of the contents will become eerily familiar to anyone who knows even the slightest thing about emotional abuse (be it romantic, platonic, familial, religious, etc.). "You cannot leave. You are helpless without me. I have done everything for you. If you leave, you will be in danger. Others will harm you more than I have. I will not save you if you leave me. You will be harming me if you go. You are being selfish. Your views are ridiculous and unjustified. You just don't understand how much I have done for you." We are simultaneously helpless victims that they are burdened with protecting, and cruel parasites that do nothing for them.

Anyone familiar with this sort of situation would know it crumbles under the weight of a single question: If it's true, why are they so desperate to keep us? Surely, if they have any reason to so much as believe this, regardless of if it's actually true or not, they would abandon us, or at least allow us to leave them.

The mask of the abuser slipped slightly in one comment, however. "The pettiness in me is saying we should just leave them behind and let them suffer their battles," the user conspicuously named the_rainbow.system says. "But," the comment continues "I know that would divide the community more." The implication here being that the people infuriated by LGB separating from the "TQIA2S+" believe the same-sex attracted individuals attempting to go their own way are both self-destructive and the only thing holding either group (both the LGB and the unrelated TQIA2S+) together, the only thing keeping any of this afloat. It is the precise conflicting sentiment a narcissist would hold over one of his victims; a truth and a lie that do not, and cannot, combine. We are parasites who do nothing for them, or even ourselves, but we are necessary for them to survive.

tl;dr The way TRAs and qu**r theorists speak about LGB people and activists is precisely the same way abusers speak about their victims (if you will pardon me for using psychological terms that have become buzzwords)

Very true. On top of that the way they talk about it is so childish like "why are we being excluded!!!!" is such a immature response; as if LGB is just a fun little club. Sorry but if you're not ssa it's not about you 🤷‍♀️

[two-sides-samecoin]

You're so right Robin isn't a prize for Nancy because people don't want her to have a boyfriend. The same people are crying about St/ncy, how Steve isn't a prize for Nancy for changed behavior, which I also agree with.

What gets me sometimes it's their reasoning for R/nance, they always mention it will work because Nancy doesn't have to prove herself to Robin, which I find is a weird take. They always then give out examples that the guys were doubting her ideas and theories in previous seasons. Like Steve didn't believe her crazy story about someone being behind his house or not wanting to expose the lab, or Jonathan having doubts in s3 with the rats. They argue that Robin is just fully supportive and doesn't doubt her. They even criticize Steve in s4 for questioning the plan, saying oh look he doesn't actually understand her and he puts her down again. I just think Robin following Nancy blindly and never challenging her is such a toxic thing to root for in relationships. Obviously, there are levels to it. People who constantly put you and your ideas down, making you feel upset, shouldn't be in your life. But here in ST, those ideas that are questioned aren't normal things, like essays, research topics, music, etc. No, the guys questioned her plans or theories about stuff that is life threatening or could at least put them in uncomfortable situations, like getting fired from your internship. It's unfair to paint both Jonathan and Steve as villians for not going along with Nancy's plan when we don't see them together in non traumatic situations. They both don't give out the vibe that they would be anything but less supportive. Like Steve worshipped the ground she walked on, he tried his best. Him not being equipped with dealing with trauma (because he was traumatised himself) is another thing than being unsupportive in general. Jonathan is the same, like he wants Nancy to succeed so badly that he is afraid he might hold her back. I just hate it when people put them down in order to make Robin perfect for Nancy. They make it out that all Nancy did was suffer in those relationships, erasing the importance, just so Robin can come and save her. St/ncy and J/ncy aren't perfect, but that wasn't just because of the guys. R/nance will be the same if Nancy doesn't learn from her mistakes she made in the other relationships, but most people take the easy way out and make the relationship perfect from the beginning.

ngl that whole stancy thing that you talked about with that post is why i phrased that like that cuz these are the same people who want nancy to date robin because they want nancy to not have a boyfriend like huh!!?!? it doesn’t add up!! if you can do willingly see that nancy isn’t a ‘prize’ then you should also realize that ROBIN isn’t a prize for nancy’s development - it’s just frustrating! and not to say that i don’t agree with that original post because i do! it’s just frustrating how easily people have double standards with this concept

you’re right that is such a weird take!!! god i want when people talk about the boys questioning nancy because it is reasonable to question these things! like nancy says things that at the point wouldn’t make sense to them/NEED to be questioned. the main thing that i’m thinking about is steve questioning nancy about seeing a man with no face in his backyard and it’s like YEAH HE IS GOING TO QUESTION HER!! because a) he doesn’t suspect anything weird going on i. hawkins with supernatural b) saying that there was someone lurking in his own backyard would make him nervous/have anxiety BECAUSE SOMEONE IS LURKING IN HIS JOUSE AND HE DOESNT KNOW IT!!! like hello - that’s so fucked. so he has every reason to question her here but because of the other shit in this scene: they immediately just hound on steve.

honestly what’s funny about them saying thag robin would believe her and follow her is the fact that in canon ROBIN DOESNT AND THEY KNOW IT!!! like they’re constantly going on and on about how ‘oh nancy was pissy in the library scene cuz robin didn’t believe her’ which is ironic cuz then they say that robin blindly follows her - like that’s hilarious. also yeah what you said about how they villianze the boys: i honestly think people villanize jonathan and steve way more than the fandom will do for nancy. because they just want her to be a girlboss and etc like it’s sooo exhausting. literally EVERYTHING you said in the last few sentences because fucking agreed!!

[darlingpwease]

Lol tysm Dove <33

Congratulations!!! She's such a beauty, I'm glad she came home to u!!! :DD

I'm glad u can take time to relax!! Make sure to take good advantage of it lmao

Ouch, we haven't got snow yet (somehow), but the wind chill is so cold that it might as well be here

I'm not a big fan of the summer heat, but I gotta admit that I kinda miss it rn lol </33

Hopefully ur weather clears up soon, or the very least that the ice melts until the weather warms!!

It's just that sometimes want him to suffer a little

I may know someone who has some writing on sorcerer!Yuuta and dying/dead!reader with angst ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-panna cotta

... If I were frost, I'd bite your cheeks </3333 /pos

you're so right, she's so beautiful,,,, I believe in the superiority of beautiful feminine persons with elvish features </3333 even if she invites you to "dance" and then you fight with her for almost five minutes in her three forms until you feel the desire to just stop, she is still the most beautiful crystal flower that I have seen. I can always talk about her and how she gives you 500k just to throw one thousand later and it's not related to the ulta or weapons, she's just. she just does that. my unpredictable beautiful wife <333 so so so obsessed with her </3333

I'll try!!! I only have one class tomorrow, so I'll try to rest and then do math so it doesn't bother me anymore.

know that may sound like an excellent student, but it's not, and the usual passing grade in mathematics is enough for me </3333

are you not? on the one hand, I sympathize, because the real charm of winter is in the snow, which crunches and pushes through, as grass or sand cannot, but at the same time there is no snow, so there is no snow and ice everywhere, so that's also good!

I know what you mean. unfortunately, it is very hot in my nest because the coolness of the floor does not reach the second floor of the bed, and I often get stuffy, while it is really cold downstairs. a long-standing conflict between becoming a snowman and sleeping like on a hot stove. anyway, keep warm, okay? blankets, pillows, clothes, hot water — they help you relax well while there are not too many of them.

NOOOOO I beg if it melts again and then freezes I will begin to lead a reclusive lifestyle and stay at home forever </3333

/j

the weather is good, actually. this is especially noticeable when you fall down and look up from the sick leg that sacrificed itself to the clouds and dim trees. the problem is that you are forced to look up — but these are small things. /j

oh really??? they sound like very amazing and intelligent people with a good imagination; it's amazing that I've never met them before!!! they don't write very actively, do they??? so quiet and talented. you should introduce us to each other!!!!!

[lu-lus-dicks]

okay this will be long so strap in

"worried I won't amount to anything" this hits home. I thought like this exactly and that feeling sucked, especially since it's because of your parents. I only have one piece of advice for this and it's not that deep. I know you want to make something of yourself, be told that you are amazing but that should be completely done with your desires and not some pressure from the outside world. if you don't end up doing anything with your life (which by the way, not true. i've seen myself how many people you've helped on here) that is okay. it's okay to just live life as an average joe who lived and died.

hiding yourself from your parents is something I relate to too. I haven't even mentioned my depressive tendencies to them because much like you, I don't know how it'll be recieved (though from my side, it's more done out of love for my parents rather than fear). it's valid that you don't share your feelings to them, especially since they've broken your trust before. not even your parents are entitled to you as a person and never forget that

sometimes, sadness can translate to anger. I know this from experience. my mom tends to start exploding everytime she's nervous. not justifying anything she might've done, just some food for thought

for what it's worth, at least you're expressing yourself here right? :)

we both surpress our emotions and that is eating us alive. I recently found that out when I got tumblr. you and everyone else has been so accepting of everything that for the first time in YEARS I felt something. now that I can compare my time before that, I can say with 100% guarantee that simply just letting it out can take some of the load off your shoulders. which is exactly why I encourage you posting these drafts even more

whoever came up with "overreacting" and "others have it worse" needs to die honestly. I don't see anything as overreacting. any sort of emotional reacting is adequate to what you are feeling. if a child scrapes their knee do you think they're overreacting? of course not, even though the pain inflicted is absolutely minimal. but we don't go around telling little kids "oh you're overreacting" or "others have it worse". no, we comfort them because we know that to a little kid, their little body can be the entire world in their eyes. the same way that pain translates to something bigger in the little kid, so can our pain in our bodies and "overreacting" is not a thing. just because something is small in comparison to another thing doesn't make it less worthy of attention. two things can be bad at the same time.

"I have a family, I have food, I had shelter. I shouldn’t have been sad." wrong. just because someone has all of these base human needs, doesn't mean they are exempt from suffering. just because someone can have it worse, doesn't make your own pain disappear and that's valid. seeking attention is not that selfish. you are always more than welcome to ask for my attention whenever I'm available and don't feel bad about it either. I encourage being an attention whore because god knows you need it.

"and was threatened to sent to a mental hospital, with padded walls." I hate this honestly. this shouldn't be a threat because it never works. it should be an offer of help, not a threat and the more someone makes it seem like a threat the less likely they are to view it as help and more as an attack on their person.

you'll never be a failure in my eyes vel. to me the biggest achievement in a person can be just how loving and kind they are because that takes strength. and I am proud of you for still having that strength within you even after all you've been put through. to still be a good person despite your suffering is truly impressive and worthy of praise more than anything else.

as for grandma J, firstly, tell her a thank you for me for keeping your spirits up. and as for the rest, I know it can be scary, especially since you love her so much, but death is part of life unfortunately. I hope your grandma lives to be 200 years old because she deserves it, but if you've made it here today, you'll have the strength to live tomorrow.

accepting help can be very difficult for some people vel, that doesn't mean they don't trust or appreciate your kindness towards them and oftentimes just being told you're there for them and that you'll lend an ear whenever they need it can be everything to the point where they don't need anything else. so don't you dare even think you're a failure

and WOW that part about feeling useless felt home. the depressive episode rant I had in my notes is similar and that kind of terrifies me because I honestly can't tell you how to help with that. I also struggle with myself and what I'm actually doing so at least you know you're not alone in this.

don't put all the blame on yourself for that message screenshot btw. if they really were uncomfortable with what you were doing, they failed to set boundaries with you and they shouldn't be surprised if it happened again. if you don't tell someone that something is making you uncomfortable, do you just expect them to realise? no. you couldn't have known. this is why I fucking hate neurotypical people, they just expect you to always know what's on their mind instead of communicating like they should. don't beat yourself over this vel, I struggle with it too.

and as a side note, if you are friends (and even worse girlfriends) and you aren't willing to lend an ear to your partner, then why are you partners in the first place? your partner is supposed to be someone you trust with your life, a companion and someone who you can lean on. sure, it may have made them uncomfortable, but there probably was a workaround for that.

know that no matter how big of an emotional baggage you think you have, I will always be here to lend an ear, even if you aren't asking for my advice and just want me to hear you out, that's okay too.

I know right now you don't want to dump all of that onto another, but hey, lulu is just a stranger on the internet that is willing to lend the ear you need. you won't be able to push me away that easily vel <3 after all, we are enemies to lovers

perfection is impossible to achieve. we're all human. we are built to make mistakes vel. I noticed you are always too quick to blame yourself for everything, but it's easy to forget in the heat of the moment that other people are human too, they make mistakes just like you. they are just better at disguising and hiding it from sight.

and figuring out what went wrong with your ex, isn't going to be the same for the next person vel. for example me. maybe your ex didn't like being called an idiot jokingly, but I do. we are all different with different tastes and it's all of our jobs to let everyone know where our boundaries are.

asking for help is never wrong vel. and once again, happy birthday <3

Draft #2

WARNINGS: long post, rant post, mentions of sh and suicide, and a lot of other things, personal rant(s), LIKE REALLY LONG POST, please do not read unless you think you are comfortable with repetition, and idk what else. I am a warning in itself.

(4/2/24) (mentions of sh and suicide)

It’s 1:38 in the morning. I don’t really know anymore. I’m just so worried I won’t amount to anything. My stepsister has always been better than me at everything. I still remember my middle school and high school years when I heard my mother and step-father talking shit about their kids, about my step-brothers. But I hardly ever heard them utter a bad word about my step-sister. I became something I didn’t want to be in my high school years, in hopes I could live up to my sister, hoping maybe it would make sure I wasn’t the next kid they talked shit about.

I already knew at the time that they didn’t really take me seriously back then. Not when it came to my morals anyways.

At times when one or the other was driving, I would have to text the other. And that was when visiting my father was mandatory. So every once in awhile, the message would pop up “you pick up the brat yet?”

I know they never meant it in that way. At least I hoped not. But honestly being someone I wasn’t, and being someone I’m not still, to this day, it sucks. I hate having to pretend to my parents, even to this day, despite my independence. I’m just so worried about acceptance, that I find it hard to face them. I fear telling my parents (on both sides) anything.

Mainly, because when they first found out about the self harm in middle school, it was a difficult situation. They said they wanted to help me. And then they took me to a therapist for a total of three-five times before they said ‘this isn’t working fast enough’ and pulled me out of it. I was always scared of being yelled at when I made mistakes. That lead to me fearing ever telling my parents anything, including my own emotions.

For a long time, once I finally lived with my mother again, I never saw her cry. I only ever saw her angry, or happy. But I never saw her sad. That made me think that being sad wasn’t normal, or that, I shouldn’t be sad about anything because she wasn’t. The reason she hid any of her sadness was because she didn’t want her own child worrying about her.

But her hiding her own emotions from me made me feel like I had to suppress mine as well. So I never trusted my parents with my emotions, either.

But I guess it didn’t help that they always said I was either ‘overreacting’ or just being a ‘drama queen’. Go this day idk if they were right, or if they were just, avoiding it.

I don’t know which one I’d want it to be. Because if they were wrong, and that my emotions were actually valid, what would that mean for me? For them? Would it make it seem like they had neglected my own emotional and mental well-being? If they were wrong, if they thought because of my overreacting and drama queen the fancies that my emotions weren’t valid, then what is the limit to validate emotions? What would it have taken for them to stop accusing me of overreacting or being a drama queen?

They never made me feel valid. They still don’t. The only good throng I’ve done so far with my life, is get good grades. It’s been so long since I heard one of my parents (step or not) say they were proud of me, so when they got the letter in the mail about my good grades in online schooling, when that happened and they said they were proud, I almost cried.

It’s strange.

For a long time back in middle school-high school, I desperately wanted to die. I didn’t want to live in a world where everyone would judge me for my smallest of mistakes and ignore my feats.

I knew that, being the youngest, I was my parents last chance to have a child they were proud of. Everyone else but my stepsister had failed to be a kid that my parents were proud of (or at least didn’t talk shit about). I knew that if I didn’t want to be talked shit about, I’d either have to leave, or change.

I was so done, with the world. I hated myself for my failures, I hated the way I had been raised. But I also hated myself, because I had no reason to. Im not living on the streets, I have a family, I have food, I had shelter. I shouldn’t have been sad. “It couldve been worse”, as the mentality goes. I didn’t deserve to be sad, and it made me feel worse. I felt like all I was doing was trying to gain attention, even though that’s not what I wanted. I thought I was being selfish because of my own emotions, and it still gets fucked in my head sometimes.

Back in my freshman year of high school, a girl (which for the sake of her identity and name I will not be naming), had hung herself in her closet. Rumor was because she was having problems at home.

Way back in middle school, even. A girl in my 8th grade year tried to kill herself. She planned it all out. She wanted to hang herself in the bathroom, and if she couldn’t do that, she had some sort of sharp object to try and slit her throat. She couldn’t hang herself, and she cut her throat, barely enough to bleed. It was not deep or long enough to kill her, only to sting. When her parents saw the injury on her neck, she got in trouble for it, and was threatened to sent to a mental hospital, with padded walls.*

I knew both those girls, in a sense. And I knew that the one from high school had it worse than I did. I felt shitty. I felt like I had no reason to be sad.

Like I had no validation, because I wasn’t supposed to show that much emotion in front of others, because what I learned from my mother without her knowing, was to surppress the sadness. I want to amount to something, I want to be something my family can be proud of. I don’t want to be the next disgrace, I don’t want to be the person without control of her emotions. I don’t want to become a failure because I lost, or because I couldn’t do what I needed to do.

4/5/2024

Time is going by so quick, it’s killing me. Just today with my grandmother. I went to stay with my father for the weekend, so I’m going back to her house Sunday night to spend the eclipse with her. But as she left the house which I’m staying with my father and his girlfriend, I feared ‘what if this is the last time I see her?’

She is less than 20 years younger than my GREAT grandmother who died only a few months ago.

I love this grandmother with all my heart (I’ll call her grandma J from now on), and I’d hate to see her die, at all. I’m literally going to see her on Sunday, only two days from now, why am I worrying so much? Why did I wonder if it would be the last time I see her?

I’m so scared. I’d be lost without her, she has been my rock for a long time. Even though she is heavily Christian, and I don’t feel as connected, I always feel better after spending some time with her, (whether we speak of God or not). I grew up, spending every other weekend with her instead of my father, because he wasn’t able to take care of me where he lived for a long time. I lived with Angela (another grandmother of mine who I HATE) for the first seven years of my life. Spending every other weekend with my Mother, and the weekends I didn’t spend with my mom, I spent with Grandma J. Things have changed heavily since then, I barely remember that time in my life.

But my grandma J. She means everything to me. I always leave her house happier than when I left it. No one else does that for me.

I’m so, so fucking TERRIFIED, of who I’ll be, where I’ll be mentally, when she’s gone.

I’m so so scared…

(4/8/2024)

It’s 12:41, so technically eclipse day. Had a serious talk w my grandmother. I told her I was Ace, (not the pan-romantic part, but yk) and she was pretty okay w it. Especially when I told her I wasn’t gonna have children of my own creation (I might adopt, cause I wanna make a home to those kids who don’t have one yk?) and I just got really emotional. It doesn’t matter how many times I fucking say it, I am so scared to lose her. I cried, thinking this may be the last time I see her. You never know. She almost got hit on her way to see me on Thursday last week! I know she might be gone soon and I am not ready for it. It may be a last time for everything, and I’m so so so fucking scared words can’t even describe it. Not through type/text. If I were recording myself, you’d hear my ugly crying, and my voice in general breaking so no. But the point is, I dunno what’s gonna happen. My future, and hers, scares me to death. When she’s gone… I may as well be too.

So if I disappear for a long time, you will know why.

If I go batshit crazy (whether it’s lashing out, or self-isolation, or pretending to be fine [ya know, the stages of grief]) you know why.

This woman is one of my few rocks. My grandmother, and my eldest blood brother, who I shall call ‘E’ for the sake of keeping their identities secret.

I, don’t know what’ll happen to me once either of them are gone. Same with my parents, but I trust my brother and grandmother more than I do them, so it will be harder to lose them, as much as it may seem crazy to say.

I’m scared. I know I keep saying it, but every day I spend, is another closer to my grandmother’s inevitable death. I hate the thought, yet it keeps coming back since my GREAT grandmother died a few months ago. It’s not fun.

I hate feeling this terrified.

I feel paralyzed, like a record skipping, the never ending thought(s).

It’s horrible.

(4/12/24) 12:43 am

I don’t think I’m good enough.

I keep failing myself and others, over and over again. I want to help people, but it’s so fucking frustrating when they won’t accept it. I get it, sometimes it’s hard to accept help. But (per specific example) when I’m asked for help for the smallest of things like understanding some work, and you apologize a million times, it hurts. I hate seeing people I care about apologizing. I don’t know how to help them because they refuse to let me do so. I just, feel like I’m failing them. I can’t help them and it makes me feel like shit.

I wanna help people. At this point, the people I care about, and my drive to help them always, is the only reason I’m alive. The past few years since I last therapied someone, have been shitty. I hadn’t been able to help others and it just went by so fast, and almost without any emotion. It was awful, I felt lost. I lost my will to write, read, and draw. I lost everything about myself. When I picked up drawing again I cried because I thought I lost what little talent I had because it was shit at first. I don’t even know who I am. Am I even who I used to be, or am I a carbon copy of my successful step-sister?

I forced myself to change in high-school so my parents would be proud of me, so that I would be successful.

So I wouldn’t struggle in my future, so I could get a scholarship to college so I wouldn’t be drowning in debt like my mother was most of my life.

I just wanted a steady life. And one without the shit talk my parents would do behind their kids’s backs.

Fuck I’m so tired of it.

I feel so useless damnit. I feel worthless. I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want peace. Because these thoughts, these voice keep coming back no matter what. Telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t try hard enough and that I’m too lazy, that I make up excuses. But when I try to say I did try, they always say I didn’t push myself enough. I dunno, do I not try hard enough? I dunno. I’m just so sick of this endless battle and I want it to be done. One day I want those people to realize it was an act. I want my parents to realize that they fucked me up. That they put too much expectation on me without their own realization. I want them to know that the therapy they took from me only made it worse. Then being upset over one singular missing assignment (that we’re hardly ever my fault) only made it worse. That threatening to put me in an asylum at the age of 13 only made it worse. That talking shit about my step-siblings right in front of me only made my fear worse. That hiding their emotions from me only made it worse. Cause god fucking damnit I’m scared of you now! I’m scared to come to you for anything! I have to contact my brother, or my grandmother! And one day I might not even have them! You say I can trust you with anything but then you turn around and call me a drama queen, that I’m being too sensitive, that I’m overreacting, making up excuses, being a liar, just being lazy, not trying as hard as you know I can, stop making things a competition.

God damnit, what am I even doing? I’m nothing, nothing but a failure. I should be trying harder but here I am, still being lazy. And I’m just blaming everyone for it when it’s all my fault.

(4/13/24)

^i didn’t move on to someone else four days later. Just because me and my bf were friends didn’t mean we were together. And I never, EVER cheated on her. Sure, I found someone new and he’s my bf now, but at the same time me and her, we both realized we were never romantic with each other. And I broke up with her? She was the one who approached me and said that she felt like her feelings for me weren’t being returned (which was true, I realized. We called each other girlfriends but I felt like she was nothing more to a friend to me) and I thought she was okay with it. Mind you when she came up to me I thought she was going to ask me to an event, but instead she called it off. I thought it would be better suited that way anyways, and we both agreed on that but I did NOT break up with her! And apparently, when she talked to me, she was scared to tell me that I offended her every once in awhile by some things I said (which she never said what do I still don’t know and it’s fucking killing me), ^because she thought I was gonna blow up at her. Apparently I fucking scared them and I don’t even know I didn’t realize they felt that way and just about a month ago I get this message on top of it like.

I probably should’ve realized I was a piece of shit. I was just like that bitch from high school we all collectively hated. God I’m so fucking sorry…

I thought we were still friends. This is a message I got from them through my old asf Wattpad account that is cringe. That I stopped checking until I saw that post today. They never intended for me to read that message so soon. They even said so themselves but fuck.

I’m sorry, to you both. I know you’ll never see this. But I’m so so so sorry, I didn’t realize.

I’m trying I am TRYING to never do this again but I still do this shit to people, don’t I? I just Fuckin manipulate and hurt them. I can’t just, spout off my trauma or whatever the fuck and shit like that! I know that now and I feel so fucking bad damnit… I didn’t realize I promise I am so sorry.

Why didn’t you say anything? I should’ve noticed, you shouldn’t have HAD to say anything after the fact I should’ve just known. Why can’t I see these things? I never see red flags, I never see my OWN red flags and manipulate tendencies until someone points them out. Why can’t I read social cues and shit?

God I’m trying, but I’m not at all, am I?

I just hate that I didn’t realize! I didn’t break up with her she broke up with me! We both agreed it was better, but I guess she was a lot more hurt by it than she let on and I thought we resolved things but. God fucking damnit.

I can’t ever do this to anyone I REFUSE! I can’t do this, I can’t put this pressure on people ever again, I don’t want to push them away. I never want this to happen again I don’t want to hurt people like this again.

I lost my two closest friends. And I didn’t even fucking realize it.

Fuck I don’t know what I’m going to do. I already apologized like a million times for scaring them with my slight anger issues, but I never actually hurt hurt them physically I didn’t realize I lashed out at them and I didn’t realize I was forcing them to listen to my problems. I thought they were okay with helping me but they didn’t say anything all because they were scared and I just.

I’m fucking freaking out, but I need to calm down. I need to calm down, and just breathe, and everything will be fine. Fuck it’s now 1:14 am I shouldn’t be thinking right now it’s dangerous.

But fucking damnit, I knew I shouldn’t have just dumped all my shit onto them but FUCK.

I need a fucking therapist for that, not my FUCKING FRIENDS.

God what is wrong with me, making my friends my therapists?

Fuck. I lost my friends, I almost have no one left Irl except for this one small friend group, which has drama and way too many sex jokes for me to even want to be IN it anymore. But they’re all I got and we stick together until the end. Most days I don’t mind it, but sometimes I hate being one of the only girls in said friend group.

Fuck I don’t know what to do, I can’t tell my bf about this or else he’ll flip, and I can’t make him my therapist, that’s wrong I was told so! My bf has had it so much worse than I have I shouldn’t be freaking out about this as much, this is nothing compared to what him and so many others have gone through.

But damnit. I DONT have a therapist, not anymore, and I can’t ducking afford one or even talk my parents into helping me get one because as said before they think the process is too damn slow. I can’t fucking tell anyone without feeling bad and knowing I’m a shitty person, because until now I didn’t realize telling people my problems was a bad thing, that asking them to help me out as if they were my fucking therapist (WHICH THEY ARENT AM I STUPID? To just dump all that shit on them without them even saying if it was okay or not?) was a bad thing.

So I’m alone, but that’s fine. I can’t tell anyone anyways so that’s how it’s gotta be and I can live with that. I have for awhile. But I don’t want to be alone. But I’d rather struggle alone than hurt anyone else because I don’t want to lose anyone else, or hurt them, or push them away or scare them like I did with these two.

I don’t want to be w/o my friends. I don’t I really don’t.

I’m never doing that again I promise you I’ll never do it again. I’m so fucking sorry I never realized and I know I’m a piece of dirt shit for not realizing sooner, and for scaring you guys to the point you couldn’t communicate with me w/o fear on your end. I should’ve known and I am so so sorry.

Fuck I even talked to my brother and we have the same timezone I shouldn’t have bothered him. Thankfully he let me go quickly. Fuck I hope I didn’t scare him off either…

(4/14/24) 10:44 pm

I’m so tired. Tired of feeling useless and like a failure. If I fail the people I care about then I am NOTHING. I don’t care about myself, I don’t I just want to make people proud of me. I don’t want them thinking I’m a waste, I don’t want them seeing me the same way I do. Please oh fuck… I don’t want to be a disappointment. I really don’t. I don’t want to hurt people, I want to help them. I feel like an utter piece of shit. I can’t ever talk to my friends about my problems again im not doing that to anyone every again. That’s why this will never be posted, I can’t hurt anyone else with my stupid rants and tendencies. I feel like im manipulating and hurting people by being open with them and I don’t want pity I do not want that, I just want them to know I’m not perfect. And even that is scary because if I am not PERFECT in every single aspect then I failed.

I keep apologizing, sounding like a broken record of an ex trying to get their relationship back but I really am sorry. I talked to my step-father about what happened yesterday concerning my friends. He said that I was one of the nicest person he’s ever met, saying how he knows I try to go outta my way to avoid hurting people but what if he was lying? Cause what if I did say something mean?

I call people idiots and jerks a lot, but I never mean it! I normally mean it in a joking matter but that’s not really nice is it? I’m reeling trying to figure this out and I just want to know what I did wrong so I never do it again. I know not to spout my problems off like I did, I know to watch what I say but how am I supposed to watch EVERYTHING I say?

Fuck I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll do anything, anything to make sure I never hurt anyone like that again. Scaring people, hurting them, it’s so fucking scary to me. I don’t want to do that, that’s the person I aim to NOT be. I wanna help, I wanna heal! Not hurt and scare. I sound like a fucking broken record and it’s pathetic.

I can’t ever post this, it will only make things worse and it’ll only make me feel worse. Because if I post this draft, I’ll be forcing everyone who sees this to be my therapist and I swore to never do that again.

Fuck man. I want help. I’m actually asking for help for once, straight up saying it. But I can’t, the one time I want it, the only time I feel I need it, I can’t ask for it because it’s wrong to do so.

(4/18/2024)

I know that none of my “friends” will be texting me in my birthday this year. I’m not expecting them to text me this year, because I’ve lost all my friends. I don’t think anyone will care this time around. At first I was excited! But getting older isn’t fun at all. People start leaving, start to say things they held back, start to tell you things you didn’t notice before. You grow apart and soon you become alone.

I realize that I should be happy my family is texting me, cause sometimes people’s families don’t even text them. But it’s kinda a requirement, that’s your fam, they should know these things. And most of the time, they wish you happy birthday as an after thought. Friends don’t do that (unless they need to be reminded) but still.

I’m gonna miss those two.

(4/19/2024) 11:31 pm

It’s almost my birthday! Hah. What a cruel joke honestly.

I miss those two so much, every time I see the one who messaged me I instantly go quiet, turn my head away until I’ve walked past them. Fuck, I moved around so much during my elementary school years, those two were the longest friends I’ve ever made.

Everyone already has their best friends.

I’ll always be the outsider.

I really am alone aren’t I? That one friend that never gets invited, that hangs back.

The last one they pick to partner up w in classes kinda shit (which, is also true atm).

I’m alone and it sucks. I miss them so much. I don’t care what that one said, I want them back I just want my friends back.

I want my gossip gals back.

My face to face, same time-zone, Irl friends who I can trust my life with.

I’m losing people left and right. I can’t take it. I’m fucking crying less than 30 minutes before my birthday and it’s pathetic.

People are without families, without homes, and I’m crying over this?

Fuckin stupid…

[nade2308]

CHICAGO MED RANT!!!

I can't wait for s8 to start, but my hopes in the writers are pretty low atm, so I wrote something my heart desired. And because this got too long to represent the notes in my story, I am posting it separately, as a rant.

A) ANOTHER Pat Halstead scenario. Really? Are we really going with Will might suffer in a similar way his father did and later died as a result from it? This is almost like Cornelius having a heart murmur for years he neglected to treat, at that point I screamed. Pat's mitral valve regurgitation, much? Just please, whatever you do, handle that storyline with care. If Will is going to survive, give us realistic healing process, and maybe some burns/scars as a treat. I believe that Nick can pull off the whumpy parts SO WELL.

B) You cannot convince me that Connor Rhodes would act so worried about Will for him to leave without saying a word to him. You'd be amazed what people do when they are betrayed irl or something truly bad happens. I get it, it was an emotional reaction, but please, I don't think he would have done that as it happened. I had bad things happen in my life, people still betray my trust, yet, I am still here. And even if I leave, it won't be because of that. Granted, my ex girlfriend who killed my father did not cut her throat in front of me, but imho, Connor Rhodes I know and love wouldn't have made a decision like that. Borne out of Impulse and despair and lack of distance between what happened and how he felt about it. Once again, the writers wrote themselves in a corner.

C) Imo, Will Halstead followed Connor Rhodes out of Med in 5x01, the rest is a very long dream.

D) Why do the writers always give Will toxic relationships he gets stuck with? And he keeps chasing something unattainable, because imo he feels like he has to, because otherwise he is not worth it. Absolutely not gonna fly with me.

E) So many missed moments to have Will and Connor share screen time. And this is purely my platonic/friendship brain thinking, I'm not sure the writers would have written a good dynamic if they were together as a couple. Just so many missed moment that could have made a change.

F) Someone on Tumblr said that when Connor left he took Will's last braincell with him. They were right. CONNOR PLEASE COME BACK, AND SET YOUR BOY STRAIGHT, or you know, just set him right.

G) I cannot stop thinking about what happened with Jennifer Baker. And the writers thought that it'd be good thing to give Will a clinical trial storyline and have the worst possible scenarios written for him. I cannot get past that no matter how hard I try.

H) And if by any chance he wasn't convinced Med wasn't the place for him, he should have been when Goodwin blackmailed him like she did, up to the point where he thought it was his own decision if he was in or out + he thought he did it because it is what he always does. Baby, we established in s4 and the Burke storyline: GTFO of undercover work, it always ends up in a mess or trauma.

I) Do not get me started on the trauma and the lack of support system. Because no one believes in this precious sweetheart, no one really cares about him. The only thing they care about is to tell him how good he is when it's convenient for them, and when it'd lead to Will doing something for them because he'll feel wanted and important at that moment. Except maybe Dr. Charles, that guy does feel like he genuinely cares about Will. And Connor, but Connor is not there anymore. I mean, come on, you cannot tell me Jay wouldn't call or text at least once a day to check on him and vice versa. Because he is the only thing left from their family, and it'd be logical to stick together even in the toughest situations. The rest of the time, what everyone does is distrust him, monitor him when he doesn't need that, keep pointing his mistakes and like that's the worst thing ever, and all around it feels like they don't appreciate him right.

J) The conclusion being is:

- Will needs a safety net that consists of at least two reliable friends, more is always better.

- Will needs a healthy relationship (preferably outside of work this time). Someone who will not be a bitch, brat, act entitled and scream and blame him for everything. Someone that will tell Will how things are and will actually love him instead of gaslighting him. Because yes, Natalie was a typical abuser/gaslighter, please don't come to me with the explanation that she has issues too, that she is a woman and that she had the right. No one had the right to do to Will what she did to him. The end. Phillip Davis had no right to say Will ruined Natalie's life in that one scene because it was the other way around.

- Will needs a healthy work environment. If he makes a mistake, talk to him about it, ask him why he did it, INVESTIGATE what caused it. If he doesn't know why, it's fine, even if something undesirable happened. Hazards of the job. He is not a psychopath or a serial killer or anything like it. But even those people have reasons and motives, so please, don't make him the bad guy in any situation always, I am begging.

- Normalize people having friends outside of work. I mean, we have seen friends, family and acquaintances of almost everyone at Med, but they rarely spend time with people that don't work at Med. Tell me about Will's college friend moving back to Chicago, about that one surgeon from NYC that he still keeps in touch, some of the guys from Sudan that finally made it to the states, maybe a baby he helped deliver that's now 4-5 years old and wants to meet him. Give me more Will with kids content because it's adorable and I'm pretty sure I am not the only one craving this.

- Have Will's colleagues stand up for him for once even if he is wrong. Someone really needs to show that boy that he is appreciated and like that, that he has the support from many people and that they would love him be it the wrong or the right thing he did. I screw things up every few days, yet my friends haven't yelled at me like I did the worst possible thing, or told me to get out, only because I made A MISTAKE. It's why it's called a mistake, gee. Granted, it's not the work environment one would face in Will's case, but work is also a relationship. Just be there for Will, people!

And to sum it all up:

GIVE WILL HALSTEAD A BREAK, PEOPLE!

Stronger or weaker person notwithstanding, they would have broken so many times by now if they went through all that Will went through.

Oh and:

P.S. 1: I'll never forgive Goodwin for what she said in 1x18, that the only reason she okayed the offer to Will was because she wanted to see how and when he'll get himself fired. I believe the exact term was how long will it take. Sorry, writers, irl, if my future employer says that, I am out of there the second that is said. No way I am staying to prove someone's point. Besides, if she didn't trust him for him then, then what's the point to get up every day for work when it won't matter to her or anyone? Yes, you will save the lives, but at what cost?

P.S. 2: Connor should have told Will what he did to save his life. It feels to me like that was an important thing to tell someone who is a close friend in the least. Will deserved to know.

P.S. 3: Will Halstead is a precious boy who deserves the world. He needs to be loved, held and cherished. Protect the boy at all costs.

And yes this and much more has been discussed with @thethistlegirl over the course of the last two months and even though she doesn't watch the show, she agrees with me wholeheartedly.

WILL NEEDS TO LEARN THAT HE IS WORTH IT!

I think that's all. For now, lol. We never know when my ranting urges will return.

[a-court-of-messy-break-ups]

more tam hc pls !

As you wish!

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• HC Tamlin as someone whose scared to be touched by random people except the ones he trust the most, and to them he'll ber very affectionate since his love language is gifts and touch

• He gets annoyed by crowds easily, he hates parties and would do anything to escape them but if his favorite person is there with him he won't mind suffering for only a few hours.

• He does this thing where he disguises alcohol as tea via putting it in a tea pot/kettle, he isn't an alcoholic but every now and then he needs a good drink to get hin through meetings

• Speaking of drinks, when he gets drunk which is rare he'll probably confess some great love to you. I have this scenerio in my head that I like to think about every now and then where he's friends with someone he has a crush on and while drunk he ends up proposing to them

• Modern Tamlin would be that kid in class who'd make playlist for their S/O and the title song would always be Line Without a Hook

• He reads romantic novels, you can not tell me he doesn't and would lovingly read a wholesome chapter to his s/o while either playing with their hair or he has his chin rested on their neck as he reads with them on his lap

• Book tamlin probably has gardeners who do this for him but he preffers to tend to his mother's rose garden himself, something about that calms him

• He sleeps in a tree sometimes, may it be his beast or human form he'll climb up there and rest

• Usually when he leans in to kiss someone he pecks their lip first after that he'll mumble a soft j love you with a grin then he'll proceed with the actual kiss

• He likes to hold hands, and gets sad when you don't want to do it (usually you're probably just teasing him) his love language again is touch and in between meetings he'll kiss your knuckles out of habit

• This headcanon isn't mine it's someone else's but someone said that tamlin would make all his gifts for his s/o himself or at least design them and I like that so I'm adding it here too

• As a kid, if his father or brothers were mean to him, he goes up the roof of the manor and just sits there and cries. Now it's his third comfort place, secons is the forest, first is his s/o's arms

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That's it ♡ I feel like this list isn't as good as the other one but i still really like it especially the kiss thing