#at least Riddle’s horse has a cool ass name

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

disney horse

OKAY SO

Today I learned that Frollo’s (black) horse is (ironically) named Snowball… LIKE. WhY THAT nAmE???? QhY’S THE nAmE SO……. …. . . .. . CUTEsY????????????? Despite its (presumed) owner being so… awful 🤡 WHAT IS THE PURPOSE??????

Can you imagine. Horsebackriding/Equestrian Club Rollo??? And he just. NamES HiS gHORSR “Snowball” (or some other super cute name)?????? Imagine him casually stroking Snowball’s mane while he’s watching crimson flowers consume the city and listening to people cry out in agony…

I know we don’t even see Rollo interact with a horse in Glorious Masquerade but let me have this—

[mochinomnoms]

Does all of Coral Sea know of Floyd and Jades future mates? Cause I was wondering if they made a public “announcement ” of them to where maybe others know now not to get too close or else potentially suffer under their wrath. Or is it a more only family friends/family know like in Tony, Azul and Aspens case?

-🧀anon

Hmm, I'm assuming this is referencing PTM right? No, they don't announce it. Really, they don't mean for the people closest to them to be aware of their feelings. But it's quite noticible when one of the twins gets a crush.

Floyd will talk a lot about something once it's caught his interest. My people with the tism will understand, it's like when you get a hyperfixation and can't stop thinking or talking about it? Floyd's like that. When the others hear him gush about Riddle, about how funny he is, how small and cute he is, how Riddle kicked his ass their first meeting, everyone just assumed he would lose interest within a few weeks. Maybe months even. But Floyd's interest in Riddle has persisted…much longer than anything else he's ever been interested in. And his comments become less teasing and more soft, talking about how cool Riddle looked riding his horse, how he changed his tie into a bow, how he's been eating more sweets like tarts as of late. Then it turns into, "didja know that Goldfishie really likes strawberries? He just eats them up!" or "Goldfishie's real smart, I bet I could get away with asking him to tutor me to hang out. Nah I don't need it, I just want to mess with him." or even "I saw Goldfishie in the infirmary the other day, he was sleeping. He looks really pretty, peaceful like that." But the real thing that made everyone realize that there was something more is when he started referring to Riddle by name in his comments. Actual names are reserved for people he actually cares about, people that he would want to make an effort for to know them and their names. Just like how Azul is Azul, not Lil Octy, Riddle is Riddle, not just Goldfishie in his eyes.

Jade is surprisingly less subtle. It might be because be doesn't normally rant to people about his fixations, only going off in tangents once in a while. So when he starts talking about Yuu, it's immediately noticeable. More so when he doesn't shut up about them. The difference between Floyd and Jade is that Jade is aware that the others know, Floyd thinks he's being slick with it. It's why Jade can take teasing from the others relatively well, he knows they know and is mostly fine with it. At least until one of them attempts to get involved for his sake. Floyd and Azul have offered to fabricate scenarios, make comments, and help push Yuu to him. Usually in exchange for him doing something, or to stop growing his mushrooms in certain areas of the dorm. Aspen and Tony are the opposite, Aspen especially willing to get Yuu into scenarios that would make them unattractive or unavailable in Jade's eyes. Most recently, this we see this in the last chapter when Aspen is pushing Wynfred to go out with Yuu. Jade's not happy about it, Yuu is embarrassed, and Aspen is just trying his best to get Jade for himself. Tony eventually gets dragged into any trouble that Aspen gets himself into, willingly or not. Though, he is prone to gossip with Floyd and listen to his rambles about Riddle. He's surprisingly insightful, though that would require Floyd to listen to his advice.

[bunni-v1]

My request is for riddle x reader where the reader is a very skilled equestrian

Riddle and His Equestrian Partner 

TW: My little pony reference; swearing

Info: Riddle x Reader; Horses; Idk shit about horses

🍓This low-key turned into a whole short story in several parts before I remembered these were head cannons and forcefully split it up lol. It’s not too long, because little concepts like this aren’t exactly the easiest to write a multi-page story about, but I try my best. I kinda of just went off on my own though, so I hope this is what you wanted lol. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it, and sorry about the whole waiting thing only for a mini piece like this.

Riddle

-Ah! Riddle Rosehearts, we meet again.

-Riddle is a proud man. He’s multi-talented, incredibly hardworking, intelligent, and not so much kind, but it's not his fault his mother shoved a stick up his pompous ass.

-He takes great enjoyment in being the best at the things he does, but he fully accepts that… maybe… possibly he won’t always be at the top of the top.

-He does try, though. Very hard, because if he doesn’t his mother will be very cross with him.

-Something he takes greatest pride in is his talent in horseback riding. He’s a very talented equestrian, and he adores his horses. It’s one of the very few hobbies he was pushed into that he genuinely loves.

-He loves it so much that, when he gets accepted to attend NRC, he willingly and excitedly signs up for the equestrian club. In fact — other than his mother forcing the school down his throat — NRC’s equestrian club was one of the main draws of the school to him.

-This is where he meets you, his freshman year of college. 

-He walks into the stables, the smell of hay, feed, and mud (and horse shit) filling him with nothing but delight. 

-Students are allowed to bring their own horses from home if they’d like, but the school provides a handful of wonderful purebreds for those new to the sport or not willing to transport their own to campus.

-Riddle decided against bringing his old girl the first semester, even though she would be more reliable. He wanted a change, something new and exciting. He was good with horses, so he was sure whichever one he was given would be easy enough to work with and train how he liked. 

-While he was looking at the different horses, one in particular caught his eye. A beautiful Appaloosa with a shiny clean coat and pretty braided hair.

-It was love at first sight for him. This was his horse, gaping at it with an open mouth, he looked rather stupid. 

-At least, that’s what you thought at least. Stupid and endearing staring at your big baby of a horse like she was the most perfect creature on earth.

-To be fair, she was really pretty, just not… not pretty enough for this reaction, you think.

-“Hey, you okay?” You ask.

“Ah- Uhm, yes. Just… appreciating the horse.”

-Riddle is bright red trying to explain why he felt so… inspired by your horse. 

-Surprisingly, however, it goes well, as you very enthusiastically tell him all about Rainbow Dash, “Dashie”, the third. 

-You’re his first friend on campus! (Other than Trey).

-However, your name sounds very familiar, and he can’t quite get it out of his head after your first meeting.

-So… he looks you up, and he sees your insanely impressive track record. First-place medals, championship trophies, the whole shebang. You’re far more talented than him, and it almost makes him jealous he wasn’t so incredibly impressed.

-Truly Night Raven College has the most impressive students attending within its walls.

-He would initiate some sort of rivalry, but you’re just so… cool. So relaxed, and confident about your skills. He can’t help but admire you more than he wishes he were you.

-The two of you have very different schedules, so you hardly get to see each other outside of club meetings, your interactions are strictly horse-related.

-However, you hear about his violent temper and you find it kind of funny. 

-“You’re like an untrained horse, you need a good rider to reel you in.” You always tease with a wink whenever he gets particularly angry at a match or during practice.

-To everyone’s surprise, he doesn’t blow up at you, just flustered and grumbles like a toddler being scolded by his parent.

-In fact, you’re the only person he really doesn’t blow up at. Your mutual love for horses and hard work in classes make you a nearly unstoppable duo.

-When he gets frustrated training his new horse from the school, you’re there to help cool him down and find a productive way to retrain the horse. When he doesn’t perform well in a match or compares himself to you and your records, you remind him of how different your training was compared to his.

-You two become incredibly close through all of this.

-So it’s no surprise when you both decide to start meeting up outside of class to study together. Then you start meeting up to just hang out in his dorm room. Then you start treating him to sweet treats off campus. Then you start showing up to Heartslabyul’s tea parties.

-It was honestly only a matter of time before the two of you decided to make things official, and when you do, it’s incredibly easy!

-You both plan horse riding dates with each other and spend the majority of your time together talking about training techniques or studying for your upcoming tests.

-Him bringing you home to meet his horse was honestly a bigger deal than meeting his mother.

-He was afraid you wouldn’t find him as beautiful since you own Dashie, but you were absolutely in love with his old girl. She seemed to like you too, given she didn’t try to buck you off the second you claimed onto her back.

-He’s incredibly supportive of you at your own matches and your matches alongside him. 

-Now he’s proud of not only his skills, but you and yours as well, and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

[princess-glassred]

Losers Club Minecraft Headcannons

Richie

Constantly hopping up and down with out any signs of stopping. He is literally unable of walking anywhere in minecraft, and he constantly crouches and uncrouches whenever he has to stand still. If he stops being stimulated for one moment he wants to punch things.

Had a serious tnt and flint and steel problem at one point, now it's a server rule to limit his tnt usage and keep it far away from everyone's base.

Built a lot of penis shaped buildings before the novelty wore off.

Basically just a minecraft parasite, never gathering materials of his own and just constantly going "is for me 👉🏻👈🏻🥺". Stan's not even sure he wants to play the game, just wants to hang out with them.

constantly decked out in gold armor until he realized how shitty it was.

names all his animals stupid shit because he knows it annoys the crap out of Eddie

Mic quality is ABYSMAL. he sounds like he's conversing with them from the marianas trench.

His frame rate is also pretty ass

Dies A LOT.

Minecraft skin is a creeper in suit

Ben

Very good at redstone and building houses, sometimes using Redstone to create really cool effects around his base.

Has been approached multiple times by Eddie literally BEGGING him to build him a secret space so Richie doesn't touch his shit.

He really likes the End but hates the Nether for some reason

has a collection of secret little redstone projects somewhere he won't let his friends see cause they're kinda personal.

Wrote poetry for Bev in one of those minecraft books then threw it in the ocean.

Master of the command block

Extensively checks the minecraft wiki

Trades with villagers the most out of everyone

Knows all the mods cause he's addicted to watching minecraft mod showcases

The only one who can figure out what the fuck education edition is

Minecraft skin is just a space texture

Eddie

-Constantly nervous about going caving or being out at night, he will start SPRINTING the second sundown hits

Utterly terrified of minecraft cave noises

Overfeeds himself all the time since the hunger bar makes him anxious

freaks out if he's under the water for even a second

Keeps his chests well organized but not nearly as much as Stan

One time Richie pranked him by telling him he better set his spawn point in the nether by sleeping and then the bed exploded, killing him. He's dreaded going to the nether ever since.

Plays minecraft the least since his mom doesn't want him on the computer too much

Spent his first night in minecraft cowering in a hole

In a weird fued with Richie where they only communicate through passive aggressive signs "Why would you keep your mom in a cage, Eddie?" "STAN FOR FUCKS SAKE BAN HIM".

Minecraft skin is literally just him, fanny pack and all

Bev

Simply adores doing little art projects on the server. She particularly loves pixel art but if she wants them to have cool effects she'll ask Ben for help red stoneing them sometimes.

Base is absolutely riddled with flowers, she really has an eye for that kinda stuff.

Really good at combat actually, especially when it comes to bows and arrows. She's had to go down and save Eddie and Richie from dying in the mines multiple times.

She fucking loves cherry wood, her whole house is cherry wood

Has like a million dogs with different colored collars

The queen of the dyes, everybody comes to her for dyes and bonemeal 24/7

Hosted a minecraft fashion show using armor stands and all the boys were surprisingly into it.

Minecraft skin in her in a white dress and flower crown

Bill

Whenever they wanna take a group screenshot he's the one to do it.

gave everyone a big rallying speech before they went into the end, only for Eddie to get glitched into a block and die right after

Very good at building mob spawners for some reason

Didn't even build his house, just went to a village and stole one of theirs

Richie dared him to write an entire novel in one of the minecraft books so he's ACTUALLY DOING IT

Loves his minecraft horse more than anything. Sometimes you can just find him riding that thing in a circle for funsies.

Always making sure to check on everyone's needs "B-bev you got enough f-fuh-food?" "Mike is your h-health good?" "Eddie is your p-pickaxe almost broken?"

Likes to type messages instead of talk since he's a little embarrassed by his stutter

The only person who knows about the poem Ben through in the ocean, he saw it but he's keepin quiet about it because it was awkward as fuck.

Minecraft skin is some random novel character nobody has ever heard of

Stan

The best at minecraft by far, and has beaten the game about a hundred times.

Ate a porkchop one time and everyone freaked the fuck out

Doing the most work out of everyone on this server

Punches Richie anytime he's gettin too rowdy

Has like a million safety things set in place around his base to protect himself from Richie's grubby little hands, including a moat.

He actually owns the server they're on, which makes Richie crack a lot of "Get off good christian jewish minecraft server!!" jokes.

The very first of the bunch to get Diamond armor, followed by Bill

Gear absolutely stacked with enchantments

Minecraft skin is just a much more detailed and higher quality version of the steve skin

Mike

Doesn't get to play often since his uncle makes him work

Because he doesn't enjoy killing animals for his uncle he's become the biggest animal lover in minecraft

He has EVERYTHING and he'd adopt a creeper if they'd let him

He has a chicken named Richie, a dog named Bill, a cow named Ben, a mooshroom named Beverly, a horse named Stan, and a sheep named Eddie.

He's also trying to do a vegan let's play cause he really really doesn't wanna hurt the cute little minecraft mobs. He really doesn't even wanna kill slimes.

New to video games in general so Stan is patiently and delicately guiding him through the step by step process.

Everyone's constantly losing track of where he is and then finding him again on like Bev's roof or inside a random hole.

One time everyone got hungry so in a panic he hid all his animals underneath his house.

Accidentally blew up one of Bev's projects and let Richie take the blame cause he was scared

Minecraft skin is default Steve, but Stan's working on a custom one for him.

Feel free to reblog/reply to this with some of your own i would love to hear em.

[clexa--warrior]

There’s a new group of villains on Fear The Walking Dead.

Well not entirely new. These are the same people who’ve been scrawling “The end is the beginning” everywhere. The same people with the submarine who are looking for Morgan who took the Magical Key from the bounty hunter way back at the beginning of Season 6.

I admit, I’m just kind of tired at this point. Tired of all the bullshit and bad writing and the tedious characters and the predictable stories. Tired of the parade of mediocre villains. Bone weary. And yet here I am, still reviewing this damn show.

Let’s take a little walk down memory lane, shall we?

TV’s Greatest Villains

At the beginning of Season 5, after the Most Horrible Villain Of Any Walking Dead Show was taken care of at long last, we got a new group of bad guys who . . . just wanted their warehouse back? And directions to an oil refinery?

Truly, these were now The Most Horrible Villains Of Any Walking Dead Show Ever.

Logan (played by a woefully underutilized Matt Frewer) was the head honcho of these bad apples and he fooled Morgan’s group into flying a plane they didn’t know how to fly far, far away to help some strangers in another part of the vast continent of Texas. Then he . . . moved back into his warehouse! The bastard.

After half a season of trying to fix the plane so they could fly back across the Pacific Ocean (which we all know separates the two halves of Texas) Logan tries to pretend like he’s a decent guy and fools the Morganites into showing him where the oil refinery is. Dastardly Logan! Then, just when Morgan and Logan decide that their names are similar enough that they might as well be friends, the Rangers show up!

They show up on horses with rifles and expertly kill Logan and every single member of his crew but for reasons (reasons!) they spare Morgan and the Morganites. It turns out that Logan was working for the evil witch queen of Lawton, Virginia—Truly The Most Horrible Villain Of Any Walking Dead Show Ever (Seriously). She is so evil that she kills the people working for her, who helped lead her to the oil refinery, and spared some people she didn’t know who weren’t loyal to her at all for reasons.

Yes, you heard me. Reasons! You don’t get to know the reasons. That’s not how scripts work. Scripts are supposed to be confusing, opaque and riddled with plot holes and inexplicable character choices.

Anyways, Virginia and the Rangers with their horses and their cowboy hats and their idyllic Texas aesthetic become the new Big Bads sometime in the second half of Season 5. Morgan and Friends make a PSA documentary to make sure anyone wandering from gas station to gas station is able to know who to call (GHOSTBUSTERS!) if they’re in trouble (which, like, yeah it’s a zombie apocalypse) because Morgan really wants to make up for all the bad things he’s done and so do all his friends.

Virginia is very mean, though, and so she makes a PSA, too, and that pisses Morgan off so bad that he takes his people far, far away to an abandoned Western-themed park-town filled with zombies and they make another PSA on the way that’s even more amazing and magical but a dude dies making it, marking the Best Walking Dead Death of All Time in the process. Seriously a dude decides it’s so important to film a selfie shot for the PSA that he dies when a bridge that’s collapsing surprisingly collapses! And then everyone is very sad!

Then, uh, after a spell at the new town that has no resources or water because it’s a theme park town instead of a real town, Wes and Alicia paint some stuff and June and John Dorie get married and Daniel plays some guitar and sings and Frank Dillane is like “Holy shit I’m so glad I bailed on this show” and then Virginia comes because Morgan calls her because instead of walking somewhere else they decide they should call the Evil Witch Queen Of Lawton so she can rescue them by splitting them all up (even Skidmark the cat!) and then the season ends with Morgan getting swarmed by zombies but don’t worry he’s still alive and they’ll tell us as much in a trailer that comes out before Season 6 because AMC is criminally addicted to spoiling their own shows for no reason on social media and . . . and . . .

Somewhere between Season 5’s finale and Season 6’s premiere AMC and showrunners Ian Goldberg and Andrew Chambliss must have put their heads together with Scott Gimple and decided that the Rangers and Virginia were actually super dull villains, just like the last few villains (I skipped the whole Vultures plot because they were actually so stupid they put the stadium under siege but still let Madison and co. go out scavenging because somehow they never read the Siege 101 manual or something).

Anyways, for reasons that must be obvious by now, somebody must have pointed out that Virginia is not a very good villain after all, partly because she’s just not that convincing but mostly because she made a goddamn copycat PSA and someone thought that was actually a cool story because there is no God and life’s not fair and this is also why we can’t have nice things, son.

And they must have realized that the Rangers are a like a cartoon version of what might happen in Texas after a zombie outbreak (just compare this clown show to the far more realistic Vatos gang from Season 1 of The Walking Dead). All these realizations must have felt strangely repetitive after what I can only imagine were similar revelations about Martha, the Vultures and Logan. So many revelations, so little useful insight or meaningful changes!

The Believers

In any case, they had June kill Virginia after a weird series of events that also saw one of the only good characters left on this godforsaken show get killed by yet another brat, and came up with The Believers, a group almost entirely inspired by The Monkees. These totally realistic folk live underground where they grow crops and embalm zombies and talk about how you need to be able to “see” when you look at this one creepy zombie they have entwined in vines in their basement. They’re led by a guy named Teddy played by John Glover who must really be down on his luck to take a role on this ridiculous show, though he’s actually creepy as a villain so that’s something. But no, I’m not going to feel any hope or optimism because fool me once shame on me, fool me again and George W. Bush, man. He has something to say about this.

Wes and Alicia and Al and Luciana all find their way to these people. I honestly can’t remember how they found them, but they show up to scout things out. They get interviewed like we’re back in Alexandria. Things go bad when Wes runs into his long-lost brother and ends up killing him after a scuffle over a gun. Wes’s brother has had a little too much of that Kool-Aid if you know what I mean. Wes isn’t too shook up about it. Remember when the entire brothers Dixon conflict between Merle and Daryl played out over the course of one single episode of The Walking Dead? Yeah, me neither.

Luciana says stuff because she’s still on this show for some reason. She says stuff a few times and people say stuff back to her. Al checks an embalmed zombie with a helmet on thinking it might be her lover girl from Season 5, because you totally embalm zombies with their helmets still on, but it’s not. Boy I was really worried there for a second!

Alicia sets the embalmed zombies on fire so they can get away and the others escape but Alicia doesn’t and then she has to have a whole entire conversation with Teddy and it’s pretty damn awkward when she tells him “You wanna kill me? That’s not gonna happen.”

Teddy’s like “whoa damn I was going to kill you but now that’s not going to happen crap” and Alicia’s like “So there, Teddy. You jerk face with your crazy-man beard.”

He knows something about Madison somehow. And he wants to “save you, Alicia” but “I don’t need saving” she tells him and then he talks in more cryptic circles. Teddy’s been looking for someone like Alicia for a long, long time and she’s like “listen old man at least I got some lines this episode!” which, to be fair, is true.

THE END. CREDITS ROLL.

Verdict

Yes, I am clearly mocking just about everything about this show. But I didn’t come up with this crap. I didn’t come up with Martha and the ethanol, or the plane and the beer-balloon, or Totally Pointless Logan, or Ginny and her boring ass cowboys. Maybe Teddy will be a better villain than all these. To be fair, he is a better villain already in a lot of ways. Then again, the bar set by the Vultures, Martha, Logan and Virginia is not very high. It’s so low, it’s less a bar and more of a speed bump.

So while Teddy is far more intriguing than the rest, and it’s even possible that Glover’s brief appearance here in this episode was better than the sum of all the other villains in this show since Season 4, I imagine they’ll find a way to screw him up also and then, as soon as he’s worn out his welcome, replace him with some other group of bad guys. The Shouters, a group of post-apocalyptic crazy people who wear zombie faces and shout at each other really loud, led by a bald woman named Alphapha.

Here’s the thing.

We need more than just Good Guys vs Bad Guys. There are other struggles to work with in fiction. Friction between the group that causes realistic, compelling internal strife. Survival against the elements and just the struggle of surviving in a world laid low by a pandemic, maybe without creature comforts like walkie-goddamn-talkies. Or perhaps a compelling story about a survivalist group at odds with a Native American tribe over water rights, whose intertwined family histories are marred by murder and revenge, where our heroes find themselves torn between both sides of a bloody fight they know very little about.

Yeah, what a notion.

Like I said at the very top of this review, I’m tired. I’m tired of Fear The Walking Dead. I’m tired of the same crap happening over and over again, another absurd bad guys who ultimately make the same fatal choice: They mess with Morgan Jones. NOBODY messes with Morgan Jones.

Maybe Morgan can make a PSA about how mean and delusional Teddy is and then Teddy can make a PSA about how The End Is The Beginning, Actually, Morgan You Twit. It’s just all nonsense at this point and it has been since the end of Season 3. We aren’t dealing with actual stories about real people. We’re watching a cartoon with two-dimensional cartoon villains and a bunch of uninteresting flat characters. Except a cartoon would be more fun.

What is the point of this show now? It’s like a goofier version of The Walking Dead, which also suffers from too many villain groups at this point and too many characters but not this level of crappy writing (usually).

Let me predict the plot for the remainder of Season 6 and likely part of Season 7 if AMC is actually going to let the current showrunners continue driving this show into the ground:

Teddy wants the key from Morgan so he can use it to activate the nuclear bombs on the nuclear sub that’s in the middle of Texas (because Texas, you recall, is separated by the Pacific Ocean which has dried up because ZOMBIES and the sub is there now). He wants to nuke the planet because he wants to save everyone because they’re weak probably. From this nuclear wasteland, new life will spring eternal and his cult—well protected in their underground parking garage with their cute little gardens—will be the new rulers of the world. Or at least of Texas which—we know because of geography class—accounts for approximately 57% of Earth’s land mass.

Look, I’m sorry. I’m really truly sorry but if this show continues to be a joke I don’t know why we should take it seriously. A mocking review if only fitting for a show that continues to make a mockery of itself. AMC has the resources and the wherewithal to produce a better zombie show and quite frankly audiences deserve one. There was nothing fundamentally awful about “The Holding” so I’m honestly not fully sure why I’m in such a snarky mind frame, but there was nothing very good about, either, and it’s just plain as day to me that they’re already falling into the same traps they keep falling into over and over and over again. Meet the new bad guy, same as the old bad guy. It’s all so predictable.

Because they don’t really learn from their mistakes, or because even if they do they just don’t know how to course correct. That’s the problem when you just don’t have much talent but nobody steps in and says “enough is enough!”

Because seriously, my droogies, enough is enough already.

[raguna-blade]

Revolutionary Girl Utena 4-7

Hm...Not quite as clean as last time, but hey. Less stewing, for better or worse. And God, shit just keeps happening.

Episode 4

Opening 10000@ chunked full of meaning. Similarly, lacking context for any of it right now, so that's s for later,  .

Still trying to get over the bit where the two are in armor and look like they're about to come to blows before going in the same direction though.

Express the eternal beauty huh.

Also, Nanami you trfling what are you....

Woman can put her logic on a man huh...? Odd, but ok.

It's kinda amazing how much folks be putting on Anthy and not people who are actually, you know, who are actually to blame. Gotta get that Rose Bride who does....uh...Something. Girlfriend(?), Muse, Key to reVOLUTION???? Little talk o anthy. For literally everyone so far.

Though Miki at least seems to acknowledge her a bit.

When's Nanami's turn to fight.

Shadow Girls gonna make us feel mad dumb later. Feelin it.

Nanami jesus christ chill the fuck out. The most trifling bullshit I swear. Petty bullshit. Mind, Middle schooler so.

Ok, hey, that's a FUCK ton of snails. Like goddamn. Named them...? Uh... Uhhhhhhhh.

THAT IS A WHOLE ASS SNAKE WHOA HEY WAIT A MINUTE. Garter Snake but.

Makin the maxuse of those repeat frames and text.

Also, all night for the snake...?

An...Octopus....?

AN OCTOPUS? WHAT THE FUCK. YES NANAMI

A ballooon?

Miki, you literally know nothing about her.

Nanami soul crushed. Chuchu just..Trollin.

Seriously though, Anthy and animals that a thing?

Nananmi actually asking a relevant question. Why DOES everyone like Anthy so much out of nowhere? She's cute, but she's kinda reclusive so...?

Where'd Anthy learn that song? Didn't Miki write it...? Also, homeboy's sister? Found your shining thing huh?

Ending Also Clearly has some meaning that I'm not quite getting. Rose Bride Utena is...Kinda weird. Feels wrong? Gotta sit down with the lyrics for op and ending though. But yeah, both them rose brides feels...Odd. And it seems to be mirroring? So that's strange.

Do it for Miki's sake? Right and not for hers...?

Episode 5

Huh. Shadow Girls share VA with the teaming masses of school girls. Also, the budget for these fight scenes.

Why is it always the same three girls btw?

Does the Entire senior Student council just talk in riddles? Saionji was pretty straightforward but he's a dumbass apparently.

Awkward Confusing smiles abound. And this damn monkey again. I don't even dislike him he's just there. And those eyes.....

Wrote a famous song...? Uhhhhh. Sibs huh.

Destroyed the garden own hands? Miki did you do something to your sister? Oh hey caged bird little girl? Sure it's nothing.

And he left her (of no choice of his own cause fucking measles) sis got traumatized, and now idolizing that memory and his sister?

Is she dead or something? Have you talked with her? Also, where the hell...

WHAT ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH MIKI?

Utena: Please be a person Anthy I fucking beg you. This duel bullshit is dumb.

Anthy: Ok, but I'm your bride. I am down with this system my girl.

SHELL BREAKING. Wait a second, does this elevator thing happen right before every duel or revelation?

Are there only- hold up, dissolve the student council. Hey good on you Miki.

Miki: Aint this gonna fuck something up for people.

Touga: Aight, but hey if you feel it fuck the system kid.

Miki, just ignoring his sis and...what's with the dishevelment. Was she...? Piano room's not for HOLY SHIT WAS SHE FUCKING TOUGA

Sis looks just like you, But you're cuter. Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Touga, Only the winner get's to do what they want. And I banged your sister who you seem to hate, y u mad.

Miki: My sis used to look cute as an angel. You look like an angel btw

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Anthy: *BLANK EMPTY LOOK” OF COURSE I'LL STOP IF SHE TELLS ME I AM THE ROSE BRIDE

Touga: INCREASINGLY NUDE: Hey, REMEMBER THE ROSE BRIDE SHIT I JUST TOLD YOU. YOU GOTTA BE BUFF TO HAVE THE BRIDE BRUH

Two Steps: Miki I will Trash the System Touga Interrupt Fuck, I guess I gotta fight Utena in this barbaric bullshit. Due Time.

SHADOW GALS APPROVE PIRACY. Also, What do you want.

Dat Absolute Destiny Yeahhhhhhhh Settin the Mood. Someone's about to get Some kind of REVELATION. From DIOS. Or some such. Actually, Dios is pretty close to god (I may be super wrong here) but the possibly flipping nature of it all is I guess, some kind of truth thing since if it were pure skill, as suggested with Juri losing to Miki somehow, utena deffo wouldn't have beaten Saionji. So, Whoever has the better understanding of things get's the power of Dios? Thus the power to change the world? Seems straightforward enough. Though why Anthy has that power.

NEW DUEL THEME. DOPE SONGS What's the meaning cause man, they're  apparently different per duel, as per (?????) which seems so so far.

Miki: I want the Bride!

Utena: YOU SURE THIS IS HOW YOU WANT IT?

Miki, SHE WANTS THE FREE

Anthy: SOULLESS EYES. For real, she needs to emote.more regular like. Seemingly likes Utena so....

Utena Wins, Defloration Complete. Beat, like that, one stroke.

Miki's Sis: I freaked out on stage and was never good. People thought I was though

Miki: I'M GONNA GO ALL OUT ON THIS DUEL SHIT YOU WATCH.

Utena: DO YOU NOT GET IT BRUH?

Episode 6

Ah, the good ole days when you could repeat frames like that.

Nanami almost dies, weird faceless stalker and car driver, mk

Nanami: SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME, LEMME JUST HOP ON THIS TABLE TO PROVE THE POINT.

Touga: I have Important s THOT s student council work.

Oh shit that hit her square in the face..

Utena: Trying to Kill Nanami Clearly.

That ball is lodged in her dome damn.

Utena: TOGAS A THOT, FACT

Touga: KILL THEM. KILL THE VERMIN

Anthy: Life is life. Leave it be.

Nanami: MY BROTHER WANTS ME DEAD. ANTHY IS BEHIND THIS. THAT WITCH SEDUCING HIM

Why does everyone think he'd kill his sister. Damn Nanami. What's your relationship that people buy it immediately.

A whole ass horse and...chickens?

Prince Appeared. Mitsuru Tsuwabuki....?????????? Watch for the name I guess.

Why...Why do they assume all these dudes are her type off hand? Like...

Oh hey he has a face and is a small boy ok. Uh...Hey, Are you prpositioning a child. Um.

UM

Shadow Gals what he fuck does curry have to do with it. Are y'all trollin.

Also, hey Nanami. Uh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ACTUALLY DATING A KID? TO JEALOUS YOUR BROTHER? WAT

A Brocon. And a drama queen. Everyone is baffled.

What the fuck is he doing in the locker. Just...snapped her fingers. Under her desk. Man slave boy. Uh

uhhhhhh.

WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM SAIONJI. Hidden Love

Hard Ignore.

Nanami: Who are you three idiots. WHERE DID THE BOY COME FROM.

Y'all about to throw down with a kid. And he's...He won, damn. PUT HIS BODY IN THE LAKE JESUS.

Nanami: Mitsuru is my boyfriend. I can treat him how I like.

Mitsuru: ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A BOYFRIEND

Is this...Is this a rosebride thing? Like a kinda fucky mirror jam?

Also, did Touga 1v1 a Bull and win? What the fuck? I agree Mitsuru, he's pretty cool yeah.

Be a Big Bro, not a boyfriend. No choice but to put her in danger again in order to get her to be what I want.

Where did that equipment come from.

WHAT IS WITH THIS SCHOOL. A KANGAROO? WERE THEY GONNA BOX THIS ASSHOLE?

So, Mitsuru as rosebride, Gotta Protec, get’s wrecked. So...Uh..Anthy....?

Boy fucked up that kangaroo. 1V1 me YOU PUSSY DO IT COWARD.

Nanami: Don't be an idiot jesus fucking christ. I CAN'T JUST LET SOMEONE USEFUL DIE FOR ME GOD.

Was...Was Touga the one fighting the Kangaroo...For Real? Why...Why was he...One PUNCH.

Mitsuru: Lemme be your bro please.

Episode 7

Ohp, Serious time out the gate ok. Guess 6 was a palette cleanser.

Juri: Dominant. Sure I'm buff but what for? God.

Juri Arisugawa? Alice Refs...? Seen that name used that way before. I'll watch for it.

Huh, the immediate mirroring with Utena is...odd?

Juri: Fuck Off Vice Principal.

Wait, was he hitting on...her...? Oh that's not.

Chuchu always with Utena? Huh.

Also Juri, Dominant as fuck, offing students left and right.

Oh, she's explaining things. Rosebride gives power to revolution.

Utena: Oh cool, super powers. Dope. Seems MAD FUCKING STUPID.

Juri: Yeah. Seems dumb right.

Ok, juri uh...Has EVERYONE Slapped Anthy thus far? Like...Ok? Does Everyone Get a Turn? Is...Is this a thing? It's kinda.

SHELL TIME. DUEL? DUELL?

End of the World: DUEL TIME

Is touga trying to kill Miki. What's with knives man? Miki. HOW MANY KNIVES. BLINDFOLDS

Juri: I don't believe any of this shit. I'll prove it's bs.

Old love. It's 1000000% not this dude. Don't you. Play me.

ORANGE ROSE AT CROTCH LEVEL WHAT? And she got denied I guess...?

SHES IN LOVE WITH SOMOENE AND ITS NOT YOU.

There was some love triangle shit, and girl is perpetrating.

MUSIC GONE. SHITS REAL

Jesus this show is just full of bullshit.

Ok, we had a moment with why utena is the way is she is, Juri Does not approve. Miracles are Bullshit, I will dunk you in the the fucking OCEAN.

Rabbits Dance all around huh. OK.

SHADOW GALS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

ABSOLUTE DESTINY TIME. TIME FOR SOMEONES IDEALS TO GET BUSTED I GUESS.

Also, like how the various wings on the garden go from vaguely angelic to kinda ominous. I mean the whole deal is sketchy as fuck, you don't just start singing about the apocalypse and ignore it. DARKNESS OF LIGHT DAWG. DARKNESS DARKNESS EVERYWHERE. KINGDOM HEARTS WISHES!

Also is that castle CG? It feels it but...

Juri: MIRACLES ARE BS BUT IF THEY'RE REAL SHOW ME THE TRUFACTS

Utena: NOT SURE ABOUT MIRACLES BUT WHATEVER I DON'T NEED THAT SHIT.

FIGHT. Oh boy new song.

Lucifers light...? Uh...All of this is ominous as fuck. Then a bunch of night and darkness gods.

Certainty of Death, Namely Light.

Sword Falls Just so to cut the Rose. Uh. Miracle....?

Uh...Juri Was Robbed.

Consistently though, the stronger convictions won. Juri was legit robbed, but she hesitated, so she lost.

Juri: MIRACLES ARE BULLSHIT AND MY GAY LOVE WAS NOT RESPECTED GOD

Also, Juri=Lucifer? For...The Student Council...? She does seem to be the one who least believes in this shit. She didn’t even duel utena for the rose bride like literally everyone else. She just wanted to prove Utena’s ideals wrong.

[silvertsundere]

dnd session 9 highlights

something I shoulda said in other highlights but never crossed my mind but now I know cause I’ve seen posts of other people talking about stuff >be me, human fighter >be not me: halfling cleric, half elf sorcerer and human bard and paladin (at least they’re human I think) aight with that out the way here’s some highlights from this time there’s a really spicy one near the end and some cool teamwork near the end and it’s bolded right before so you see it. so check it out at least

- after last session where we did some sidequests to burn time while the warlock spent some time dechiper the message he got from his patron - we now get called “the heroes of riverville” because of saving their town and even helping them so much after - we start this session with him telling us about it. turns out there is some sort of tablet with informartion about the lizard people and their whereabouts after the war of giants, which we think is what the tiamat cleric, that wants to bring back dragonborns, might be looking for - this tablet is located in an ancient dwarven mine located south west of a town south east of where we were - while we’re talking about this an important looking man, that turns out to be the noble in charge of this town, shows up in the place we were staying to ask us for help - apparently there was a orc warband moving in on redridge (south east of where we were) and they need reinforcements considering the orcs number at around 500 and the town only had about 150 guards and that’s with some reinforcements already arriving - the noble man said that he had already sent news to the bigger cities in the country but he said he had 5 horses ready and that the help of 5 adventurers wouldn’t be nothing to scoff at - after some discussion we decided that the girls would go to redridge and we’d go back to our og gang and go in the mine NOW WITH THAT OUT THE WAY - we were starting to get ready to leave and the warlock asked if he could come with us and we didn’t see why not - after traveling for quite a bit we got to a canyon where the warlock said it was located. we saw a bridge and some ruins (which I got a 20 and figured out they were indeed dwarven, specifically duergar) and a bit down along the canyon wall we saw what looked like an outcropping that continued into a cave so we decided to go in and check it out - it was p easy to get down there even tho it was 150ft down cause our pally has boots of flying - we continued inside the cave til we came across a big ass door, with 4 colored stones above it, and some like decorative carvings - on the right and left walls next to the door, there were 2 murals, 1 had dwarves and elves living happily under the sun, and the other one didn’t have a sun, it still had dwarves and elves, they didn’t look as happy but looked like they had some kinda new found power cause their eyes glowed - after a while of fumbling around for what to do, we turned off the torch we were carrying and the eyes on the mural started glowing and dwarven language showed up on the door. - it was riddles. easy ones too. took as a while to figure the first one out but the rest went smoother. I’ll post them too so YOU can try to figure them out 1. "I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with wind. What am I? " 2.  "What disappears as soon as you say its name? " 3.  "You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy." 4. "I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?" - Bard answered 1, I did 2, cleric did 3, and paladin did 4. for each correct answer the stones above the door started glowing and in the last one the doors opened inward and we carried on. - after we walked a bit more we came across another door, entered and it was what seems like a dwarven stronghold of some sort, we heard sounds of metal clinking and when we looked around a bit found dark gnome slaves mining away so we knew we were in the right place. - right after we entered were just standing around talking about what to do and a duergar patrol passed us by without even noticing us somehow - we looked around a bit and were spotted by a gnome that attacked us and alerted 2 dwarves in basically mechs and scrapped with them for a bit - this all without alerting another group that was like 40ft away so lol - we continued exploring the place til we came across a storage area with a buncha assorted minerals in boxes that looked like they were getting ready to be transported :squint: - there was a door, which we went through, and another one that was locked, that I wanted to check out but party wanted to move on :shleep: - we carried on and came across a group of 2 duergar and a drow but didn’t feel like fighting them cause they were out the way so we went back and explored another way - we came across a long ass hallway and instead of all going and being spotted or something, we decided for the sorcerer to try to sneak through and scout cause he has darkvision. - we on in a straight line for a bit then suddenly said “oh man. now that’s scary. a corner.” - he kept going and managed to notice a fishy thing in a wall (or ground) and it was a treasure cache of some sort which had a stone of good luck. - he then came back to us and we decided to enter the double door that was on that hallway. - we opened the door, and it creacked, revealing that was some sort of barracks for the duergar, and there were 3 inside. - we fought for a bit with them. - I failed an INT saving throw and got possessed by the mage and attacked the sorcerer doing like half his hp BIG MONKA - however because of moving around and stuff the dwarven foes happened to be all in a straight line, perfect for the paladin’s lightning javelin, he threw it and vaporized the first one and did some nasty damage to the one that was hit with the physical javelin (it got stuck in him) - we kept fighting and the sorcerer got a crit fire bolt on the penetrated guy and turned him to ass releasing the javelin from it’s meaty prison - and the next turn the cleric’s spirit weapon killed the mage NOW THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE THING - while searching around the chests in the barracks we didn’t find much of value - however..... - we found some lewd pin up pictures of drow females in one of them - immediately the bard and cleric say “I WANT TO TAKE THE PICS WITH ME” - both squint at each other - “let’s roll for it then” - both roll - bard gets 8 and cleric gets a 10 - dm: “are yall seriously rolling for this lmao” - both: “hell yeah we are” - after this we continued on exploring - we came across a door that the bard try to check with mage hand like usual but it got dispelled as it touched it - the sorcerer looked at it but could only figure out it was enchanted in some way but not what the effect was exactly - so we kept going to see if we could find another way into that room - we came across another door that we thought might get into it - we were tired of doors creaking and alerting people so we poured some oil on the hinges of it with our alchemy jug and then opened it slowly - bard saw 2 armored drow warriors inside a room that looked like some kind of library or archive, which may have the tablet we’re looking for, and came back to decide how to do this this part was p cool too - what we decided to do was bait them out the room with a noise or something. the sorcerer was gonna use minor illusion to create an explosion noise and that was it. but then the bard remembered that he had glyph of warding now so decided to use the explosion noise to bait them out to the ward. to make sure they stepped on the ward the cleric said he’d use prestidigitation to create a tiny fire so they’d be like “wth” and go check it out - and well.....it worked perfectly YAY FOR TEAM WORK - the drow came out drawn by the noise, moved to go checked the fire, the first one stepped on the ward, both of them failed their saving throws and took 5d8 damage. - however they still lived sadly - after a bit of fighting the bard was spooked cause he got hit and cast fear on both of them. and it worked. on both of them. making them both BOOK it back into the room after so much cooperation to take them out. - I ran after them and the sorcerer came too and cast haste on me but one of the drow that broke free from fear already used some item and spell making it so I couldn’t see jack shit in or outside the room, she also did the same thing like outside the door of the room - the next time he could move she slipped through us and went to try and attack the bard - when it got to my turn I managed to get out the darkness and with my hasty buff still up I ran up on the other drow that was still in the room and was like “I got 4 attacks so I’m gonna obliterate him” but..... I didn’t - I missed the first 2 attacks and hit the 2nd 2 so the haste didn’t even matter. the guy didn’t even die from the attacks smh - after a bit the sorcerer came out the darkness into the room as well and noticed the guy, casted lightning chromatic orb and electrocuted him to death - meanwhile outside the paladin attacked the drow outside but she lived. the cleric attacked with inflict wounds and missed. the bard tried vicious mockery and didn’t do much damage - it came back to me and I just chilled cause I couldn’t get through the darkness to the drow anyway, probably, meanwhile the sorcerer starting searching the room and found some papers in undercommon, which neither of us speaks so we just sat on our asses for a bit - outside it was the paladin’s turn again and he managed to finish the drow off and that dispelled the darkness yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

and THAT is where we left off. I rushed out cause I wanted to go have dinner but I don’t think they did anything after I left. we’re waiting for next session to see what the papers said cause warlock is fancy and can read anything

[nataliesewell]

monster prom pop quiz results

I was bored, so I decided to try and record all the questions and answers in Monster Prom’s Stupidest Pop Quiz Ever(tm). It’s really likely I haven’t found them all, so I’ll come back and add to this from time to time.

The pop quiz consists of three questions; the first two go towards determining your highest stats at the beginning of the game, while the third chooses your possible prom date (this isn’t set in stone; you can still try to pursue a different character in the actual game). The order of the questions is randomized.

Other links: Vera Walkthrough

You can find the questions and their results under the cut!

stat questions

What is your spirit emoji?

a. Caucasian guy with a turban because fuck stereotypes. +CREATIVITY

b. Octopus emoji. Best animal on Earth. I know 5 mixed drinks, 3 drug cocktails, and 17 sex positions that involve one or several octupi. +FUN

c. Snowman, because that motherfucker is in the middle of a blizzard and he’s fuckin’ smiling. He doesn’t give a fuck about blizzards. And he has a kickass hat. +BOLD

It’s your chance to fix global warming. Go ahead!

a. Global warming isn’t real. I invented it, and now science is claiming authorship because science is a lame copycat with no original ideas. +CREATIVITY

b. Nah, the world is doomed. But I’ll start investing in ships and start a profitable business for the “soon to be covered by water” world. +WEALTH

c. It’s time to be a real hero: I’ll lead a mission to the sun in order to... invite the sun to the party of its life! We’ll have so many hilarious misadventures that the sun will eventually become... cooler. ;) +FUN

Be a visionary: what will the next big social media craze be?

a. Bull$hit: it’s Facebook, but each time someone shares news that isn’t supported by real facts, they’re taxed, and the money goes to the people exposed to that bullshit. +WEALTH

b. Greek Agoras: like literal Greek agoras re-instated in our cities. Places where philosophy and arts are discussed by the greater minds. That’s the social media I want to log into! +SMARTS

c. Rbert: from now on, a socially awkward guy named Robert will do everything he’s commanded to do through the app by its users! +CHARM

You wish you were raised by...

a. A mysterious old man who saved me from the streets in order to raise me as his disciple in the ancient ways of rad DJing! +FUN

b. A pack of wild wolves... who also happens to be tech moguls who own some of the most profitable companies of Silicon Valley. They would be kick-ass role models AND wild wolves! Sick! +WEALTH

c. A really progressive marriage between a kick-ass venomous snake and... actual fire. I love fire and I see no issue with being raised by it. +BOLD

You build a 100ft statue commemorating an event so that in 1000 years archaeologists can learn something about the people of our time. What does the statue represent?

a. That glorious instant when your friend stopped you from texting embarrassing stuff to your ex while hella drunk. +FUN

b. That mind-blowing twist in your favourite TV show that clearly changed the life of everyone forever, unlike all that boring stuff they show on the news. +CREATIVITY

c. Your least favourite political figure... being devoured by rabid rhinoceri... which are also covered in badass tattoos. +BOLD

Which is the coolest mythological creature?

a. The invisible hand of the free market. +WEALTH

b. A sphinx... who’s super turnt up and ready to party! And she raps all her riddles (she still kills you if you don’t answer them correctly... but she raps the riddles)! +FUN

c. This weird creature I drew when I was six and which is clearly super derivative from other mythological creatures... but it’s super cool and it’s my OC and my spirit animal, okay? +CREATIVITY

You’re elected president for a day. What’s the first law you pass?

a. You can deduct taxes by writing sonnets instead. Amount of taxes deducted are calculated based on the beauty of the sonnets. +CREATIVITY

b. Trivia fact: presidents don’t pass laws... so is this a trick question or are you just being an idiot? +SMARTS

c. One dollar bills will now include a picture of me and the inscription “Beware: Too Much Awesomeness.” My presidency might last a day, but my fame will last forever! +CHARM

A radioactive possum just bit you... what superpowers did you get?

a. The superpower of always choosing the right combination of emojis to get the desired reaction from all people: seducing my loved ones, burning my enemies, settling an argument, and even conveying complex emotional thoughts. +CHARM

b. Uh, probably rabies? I’d go to a hospital immediately. +SMARTS

c. The incredible power of writing fanfiction so compelling that the actual creators of the TV shows decide to go with my ideas and crazy ships. +CREATIVITY

School is outdated and lame. We need a new school subject asap!

a. Critical thought. I mean... damn, this country could really use a subject like that in schools. +SMARTS

b. Turning people into your puppets through emotional warfare and deception 101. +CHARM

c. How to correctly punch a crocodile without terrible consequences. +BOLD

If you had to have sex with animal... which animal would it be?

(You don’t get six answers; the three answers you get are randomized.)

a. A great white shark. I have to fuck an animal, let’s at least make it a story worth telling! +CHARM

b. A swan. They’re classy. Plus it reminds me of that myth of Leda and the Swan, so at least by bestiality standards it has a certain chic appeal. +CREATIVITY

c. A human being, because I’m the kind of douchebag who loves to find loopholes in stupid questions like this one. +SMARTS

d. A purebred horse. At least I can keep his semen and sell it. It’s worth a lot! Who said there was no silver lining to bestiality? +WEALTH

e. A dolphin. They’re the only other animal that fucks just for pleasure, so at least we can both do our best to have a good time, right? +FUN

f. No on can make me fuck an animal. If I fucked an animal, it’d be of my own free will. As a matter of fact, I already have fucked an animal, so the joke’s on you, pal. +BOLD

The coolest reality show would be...

a. Twelve experts on the various arts of seduction live in a house where they must face a common challenge: seducing a potato into marriage... somehow. +CHARM

b. Eight rich people fight in weekly challenges to see who’s the best at giving money to you. +WEALTH

c. People in various positions of power must face all sorts of questions relevant to their field, and if they fail, they lose their jobs... and society wins. +SMARTS

You get the chance to produce a movie. It’s based on...

a. The most influential Russian novelists of the XIX century... have gone nuts! They don’t remember anything about last night and now they can’t find the manuscript of The Brothers Karamazov; and Dostoyevsky has to deliver it TODAY! +FUN

b. Two cool guys walking away from rad explosions. And they don’t look at the explosions. THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE EXPLOSIONS! They reflect on life and love... AND IT IS SUPER DOPE AND KICK-ASS BECAUSE THEY DO SO WALKING AWAY FROM NEVER-ENDING EXPLOSIONS! +BOLD

c. Something about superheroes, but with a love triangle between a beauty yet somehow relatable girl (maybe she’s always stating she’s a mess?) and two of the super hot superheroes, which are also like vampires or pirates or both. Instant hit! +WEALTH

Democracy is just broken. What would be the best way of choosing the leaders of modern society?

a. Whoever can play the most heartbreaking violin solo wins. +CREATIVITY

b. You put all the candidates in an empty room... with a wild grizzly bear. Whoever kills the bear should be our president. If everyone dies, then it’s obvious: the bear should be our president. +BOLD

c. We create a reality show called “America’s Next Top President” where the candidates compete in all kinds of physical and mental challenges. Voter turnout would increase and we would turn a profit on it! +FUN

If you could put a curse on your worst enemy, what would it do?

a. I’d curse them to fall in love with a wonderful person and be happily married before they realize that all this time... their partner was a wild panther in disguise! Then the panther viciously devours my enemy. Classic! +BOLD

b. The curse of always meeting obnoxious people at parties who are super into new fad diets that feel the need to explain them in detail. +CHARM

c. You can’t rely on the effectiveness of a curse. I prefer to take care of my enemies the old-fashioned way: by exposing them to unsafe doses of radiation over the course of several years. +SMARTS

What would be the coolest prize you could find in your box of cereal?

a. A tiny piece of sharp metal, so every scoop will be full of thrill and danger! +BOLD

b. The phone number of the sexy tiger on the front of the box. He’s so passionate about breakfast and health that he’s surely also a grrreat lover. +CHARM

c. A sample of a more nutritious breakfast option, so people are encouraged to stop eating that colorful crap. +SMARTS

What inanimate object do you think would make the best girlfriend or boyfriend, provided you went criminally insane?

a. A human-size pillow depicting a character created by myself. As a matter of fact, I have all the needed paperwork and I’m only waiting for the conservative narrow-minded laws of our country to finally step forward into waifu and husbando territory, as was clearly intended by God. +CREATIVITY

b. A dildo, duh. +FUN

c. An ATM. Sugar baby life, here I come! +WEALTH

Which god do you pray to each night before sleeping?

a. Praying is kind of lame. I have a group text set up with some deities: Dionysus, Bastet, Loki... coolest cats in town. +CHARM

b. Praying is for fools. I took some compromising pics of a god molesting a tree, and now I blackmail him for whatever I want. A lot more effective. +SMARTS

c. Oh, I pray to all kinds of gods. I have this business where people pay me to deliver their prayers every night. I’ve even started to look for a Chinese factory to outsource the prayers. +WEALTH

prom date questions

What is the sexiest type of knowledge a lover can have?

a. How to set stuff on fire. ❤️DAMIEN

b. All the principles to build a financial empire. ❤️VERA

c. Lyrics to all Disney songs. ❤️MIRANDA

d. Obscure 80s movie trivia. ❤️LIAM

e. Sports things. ❤️SCOTT

f. How to make a killer cocktail out of anything. ❤️POLLY

Your partner just gave you a cool gift for your anniversary but you totally forgot! Quick, come up with an idea for a great gift!

a. The head of their fiercest enemy. ❤️VERA

b. A silly toy that makes silly noises. ❤️SCOTT

c. The abstract concept of gratefulness. ❤️LIAM

d. A pony. Always a pony. ❤️MIRANDA

e. Anything on fire. Or a weapon. No, no: a weapon on fire. ❤️DAMIEN

f. Anything capable of leading them to an overdose of some sorts. ❤️POLLY

What would be a deal-breaker for a potential lover?

a. The person lacks taste. ❤️LIAM

b. The person is mediocre. ❤️VERA

c. The person is a coward. ❤️DAMIEN

d. The person is boring. ❤️POLLY

e. The person hates the outdoors. ❤️SCOTT 

f. The person lacks manners. ❤️MIRANDA

What would be a killer accessory?

a. Sunglasses... at night. ❤️POLLY

b. A fabulous purse made from the skin of your worst enemy. ❤️VERA

c. Coolness itself. ❤️LIAM

d. Fancy brass knuckles. ❤️DAMIEN

e. A necklace with your own name... in case you forget! ❤️SCOTT

f. Shiny armor. ❤️MIRANDA

The world will end tomorrow... What will you do today?

a. Nobody ends the world but me! I’ll end the world today. ❤️DAMIEN

b. It’s okay! We invented the apocalypse to take care of the overpopulation of commoners. ❤️MIRANDA

c. I’ll finish my novel... whoever comes after the end should know my legacy! ❤️LIAM

d. 100 push-ups... no, no 200 push-ups! ❤️SCOTT

e. They always tell you the world is ending... I’ll profit on other people’s hysteria. ❤️VERA

f. I always party as if there were no tomorrow... so who cares? ❤️POLLY

Which criteria would you use to name your children?

a. Meh... no name? It’s just too much work! ❤️POLLY

b. I will research for a name that is pun-proof and joke-proof. No one will pick on them. ❤️VERA

c. A non-heteronormative name to give them freedom to define themselves on their own terms. ❤️LIAM

d. Just a swear word. ❤️DAMIEN

e. My name + “II” (the Second). ❤️MIRANDA

f. Something simple and friendly, like Bobby or Mary. ❤️SCOTT

If you were an ice cream... which flavour would you be?

a. Double creme de la Gruyere and meringues. ❤️LIAM

b. Spicy chocolate. No... chocolate on FIRE! ❤️DAMIEN

c. Success. ❤️VERA

d. Tequila and coke. ;) ❤️POLLY

e. Rainbows and gummy bears. ❤️MIRANDA

f. Meat! ❤️SCOTT

What would be your dream first date?

a. An art exhibition experimental enough to give you a seizure. ❤️LIAM

b. A sweaty and manly wrestling match. ❤️SCOTT

c. A professional meeting where you charm your date with some astonishing business advice! ❤️VERA

d. A wild party in international waters. ❤️POLLY

e. A lovely walk in the forest... after rescuing your date from a dragon! ❤️MIRANDA

f. Crimes. ❤️DAMIEN

You find a genie in a bottle. You can ask for whatever you want. What do you ask for?

a. A rainbow that you can eat! ❤️MIRANDA

b. I don’t ask for anything. I drink the genie from the bottle. I can grant my own wishes! ❤️DAMIEN

c. Before asking for anything, you try to negotiate up to the three standard wishes. ❤️VERA

d. Infinite confetti! ❤️POLLY

e. ...His friendship! ❤️SCOTT

f. Him to not be so cliched. Genies and wishes... so mainstream! ❤️LIAM

What would be the most appealing in a love partner?

a. A big... horn. ❤️DAMIEN

b. Sharp wits. ❤️LIAM

c. Kawaii eyes. ❤️MIRANDA

d. A very tsundere personality. ❤️VERA

e. Soft fur. ❤️SCOTT

f. A taste for party. ❤️POLLY

[ohtionsonofwar-blog]

Ohtion, Son of War. Part 2. Part 1 Here: https://ohtionsonofwar.tumblr.com/post/176688040006/the-son-of-war-part-1

Lordaeron, the Eve of the Battle

Ohtion was startled from his reverie by the camp follower shaking him. “Lord Ohtion! Lord Ohtion! There’s noise outside, milord.”

Grumbling, Ohtion swatted her hand away. Firmly, but not altogether unkindly. “Please. For the last time. I am not a lord. Not every man who carries steel is a lord...”

She seemed angry with him, as though she didn’t appreciate being corrected. “Well, Lord or Sir or Mister, take that steel and go be a man.  I heard them muttering about a torch off in the distance.”

A flicker of flame visible through the canvas of the tent gave proof to her whispered words. Ohtion scrambled to get dressed, pulling up his breeches and putting on his boots and tunic in a matter of seconds - few men could get dressed faster than mercenaries like him. Ohtion exited the tent, the sweet smell of sweat and lovemaking being replaced by the brisk night air.  Sure enough, the flame flickered in the distance.  An orc and a troll.  Heading straight for the camp.

A suicide mission, scoffed Ohtion. Two men versus this entire host? They’ll be obliterated before they can see the whites of our eyes...

But then, Ohtion chided himself in the quiet of his mind. You of all people should know nothing is certain on the field of war...

His mind returned to his dreams....

Hillsbrad Foothills, The Second War

Two orcs.

Two orcs lay dead on the verdant fields, slain by his hand. The boy Ohtion could scarcely believe it. Though in all fairness, he would note as he thought back to this battle, sometime later, it was difficult to count the first one.

The piss had barely cooled on Ohtion’s leg as the orcish line smashed into the human one. The orcs called themselves “The Horde”, and it was an apt name. Alone, orcs were some of the most fearsome fighters anyone had ever seen. But they certainly did fight like a Horde. The first orc Ohtion killed - the first “man” he had ever killed, in fact - was a massive brute of an orc, slavering down his tattooed jaw, red eyes burning with hatred and blood-lust. He had crashed into the human lines, and with a mighty swing of his axe, cleaved in twain from shoulder to crotch a footman not three men away from Ohtion.  

But then that orc had been bowled into by a larger, fiercer, more battle-hungry male, and that orc had been sent stumbling forward, into Ohtion’s spear. The boy hadn’t even thrust, but rather the orc’s own kinsman and gravity had conspired together, and Ohtion played a small role, he supposed, by holding tightly as the spear-point jabbed into the orc’s eye, slid deep into his skull, and penetrated out the back.

Ohtion tried to dislodge the spear, but found that the blade was reluctant to leave it’s home in the orc’s skull.  He managed to pull the blade half-way loose, but then it made such a vile, wet, puckering sound that Ohtion thought he would lose his breakfast.  

That thought was cut short, by an orc running at him. That orc held a large hatchet in each hand, and began raining blows down on Ohtion’s tower shield. Ohtion felt the reverberation in his arm, and felt as though it might break. But then the men behind him had yelled, “Forward!” and surged against the orcish line, and Ohtion bent low, pushing into the orc’s midsection and groin.  The orc fell back, at which point Ohtion was able to draw his short-sword and thrust it deep into the orc’s chest.

And that was how Ohtion Hruodland had killed his first two orcs.

Two. One more, Ohtion. One more.

He smiled despite himself, despite his fear and nausea and sense of impending destruction. But then she was upon him. A snarling female orc (”orcess?”) had swatted him backwards onto his ass with a backhand blow from her buckler. Luckily, the spikes on the small round shield hadn’t punctured his armor. But the wind was knocked out of him, nevertheless.

Gasping for air that would not come, he tried to raise his shield, but she wrenched it off his arm, hurling it to the side. In one fluid motion, she kicked the short-sword he had dropped away from them, and it seemed to disappear into the fray, shrouded by kicked-up dust and the feet of clashing soldiers locked in myriad mortal struggles around them.

She cackled like a hyena as he lay there, gasping and defenseless, and then she leaped on top of him, landing on his stomach with her groin, her legs spread wide in a split position. The air was once again forced out of him, and he coughed so hard that he could feel his face getting red. This caused her to cackle again, and she furtively undid his gorget and threw that aside as well as his helmet. Before he could even register what was happening, her short-sword, a black jagged thing of shoddy make but still plenty sharp, was at his throat.

“Slice you and make quick?” she held the blade horizontally against the soft flesh of his neck. “Or poke you and watch you gasp more?” She turned the blade and pointed it downward, the tip piercing his neck just slightly, allowing a rivulet of blood to trickle out. She cackled a third time, thoroughly enjoying her sport, oblivious to the battle around them.  

“Slice or poke? Poke or slice? Poke?”

She was also oblivious to Ohtion’s hand moving down to his belt. In one swift motion that assuredly displayed his elvish blood, the dagger on his belt was out of it’s scabbard and slicing across her throat.  She gasped and Ohtion flung her off of him, with as much ceremony as she had shown his gear and weapons.

He kicked her as she gurgled her last breath. “Slice, you green bitch.” For good measure, he spit on her.

There, he mused. Three. You did it... You can die now, and no one can say shit. You held your own. Killed more than many can say. Your ancestors won’t have any reason to be ashamed of you.  Nor will Mother... Lay down and die now. It’s fine.

But when the next orc was in front of him, Ohtion blocked the grunt’s axe and net another kill with his dagger...

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

How many orcs had he slain in the eternity that this battle had raged? (In reality, it had been about two and a half minutes.)  The dark part of him, the part riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, whispered: Five. And he believed that for a moment.

No, Ohtion. This voice was his as well, but deeper and more confident. No, at least a dozen. Maybe more.

But it had not been enough. Somehow, he had gotten another short-sword in his hand, and he was also somehow wearing an orcish buckler, not unlike the one belonging to the first female orc he had killed.  (Perhaps it was hers?) But even now these weapons weighed heavily on him.  As he pulled the blade from the torso of the lithe, long-limb, grey-haired orc that he had just killed, he felt as though he could barely lift the weapon aloft anymore.  His breath came in short puffs, and his one eye was swollen shut.

“RETREAT!” someone yelled out of the blue. “RETREAT! FALL BACK!”

Ohtion looked around, and sure enough, the men around him were panicking. Falling back. Running.

“VALRYR HAS FALLEN! RETREAT!” Ohtion looked on in horror as the paladin Valryr’s riderless horse screamed, the stallion’s eyes wild with fear as three or more orcs pulled it down into the dirt and laid into it. The steed’s whinnies might have haunted Ohtion for months, if not for the worse things he would see later in this battle.

Fervently, Ohtion glanced around him. The white-and-blue banners of Lordaeron seemed fewer, and Ohtion saw more orcs in his immediate vicinity than human allies. The men really were breaking.

“WE HAVE NO PALADIN!” roared a young man at Ohtion, a short peasant boy that might have been Ohtion’s own age. “RETREAT!” and he tried for a brief moment to pull Ohtion with him, though the half-elf did not move, frozen by something. Whether it was fear or indecision or perhaps some strange sense of duty and honor, he could not say.  But the men really were breaking.

An orc rushed at him, and Ohtion could barely lift his blade aloft. The orc’s battleaxe was held high, and the beast was about to bring it down on the half-human and end it for him right there.  But a flash of golden Light erupted from behind Ohtion, blinding the orc temporarily and all others around him.  It was all Ohtion needed to slay the orc.  He turned, breathless, to look at the source of his salvation.

It was then that he saw her. Resplendent and radiant she came on thunderous hooves. The mare that bore her was heaving, it’s shiny coat wet with lather. She sat astride the armored horse, wearing armor of her own. Silver plate adorned her, with a tunic of chain underneath. Her golden hair was drawn back in a long braid that went down past the small of her back, past her buttocks. On her head she wore a winged circlet, and her pauldrons, too, had winged adornments on them. Her tabard bore the fierce, roaring lion of Stormwind, golden on a blue field.  Her longsword, the pommel and guard gilded, the blade glowing with yellow runes, gleamed in the sun as she held it aloft.

“Esarus thar no'Darador!” she roared. “Stand and fight, men and women of the Great Alliance! Stand, for the Light’s sake! For the sake of your people! Cast the fear from your hearts and stand!”

Ohtion looked at her, his heart swelling with love and pride and admiration. The smell of fresh-baked bread and spiced wine rushed to his mind. He felt as if someone had kindled a fire in his stomach, and his short-sword felt lighter than it ever had.

She had come for him. Even though he had disobeyed her by enlisting in the army. Even though they had fought not a fortnight ago about her not training him to be a paladin like her. Even though he had let her down time and time again. She had come.

“Mother,” he whispered.

And though she was not the mother to any other man on that part of the battlefield, or indeed to any other man or woman in all of Azeroth, it spoke to the stature of Aslaug Hruodland, this woman who bore the old blood of Arathor, who fell in love with an elven warrior and bore him a half-elf son, who trained as a priestess in Northshire and then as a paladin under the tutelage of Uther the Lightbringer, that the men and women held. “Esarus thar no’Darador!” they echoed. “By blood and honour we serve!”

She smiled, and her smile seemed to light up the field more brilliantly than her sword or her magic. “Indeed we do! For the Alliance!”

“For the Alliance!” echoed the soldiers.

The orcs, however, were not quite as impressed.  They roared in their guttural language in unison, and pushed forth. Ohtion, who had not begun to retreat, was now on the front-line, and though the Alliance forces had been rallied by Aslaug Hruodland, Ohtion was sticking out like a sore thumb. Three massive, brutish orcs were rushing him, and Ohtion gasped.

Suddenly, arrows seemed to bloom from the eye sockets of all three of them. They stumbled and fell dead at his feet.

“Look alive, my son,” came a soft voice in his ear. A tall elf with a charming smile and raven-black hair was standing there beside him. “The battle is not won yet.” And now Faerthurindir was there, a Farstrider captain of the high-elven kingdom of Quel’thalas, and Ohtion’s father.

Ohtion beamed at his father, and then turned to face the orcs, who were now falling in scores as a cadre of elven archers who had ostensibly come with Faerthurindir let fly their own arrows. Mother AND Father. Here. For me.

While Aslaug and Faerthurindir were madly and devotedly in love with one another, circumstance had kept them apart. Faerthurindir had duties to his kingdom and Aslaug, while a romantic at heart, was headstrong and determined to finish her training as a priestess, and would pause her goals for no man - even one whom she loved dearly and bore a son. Therefore, Ohtion had never known his father much prior to the end of the First War, when Stormwind was sacked and he and his mother came north to Lordaeron, which is, of course, much closer to Quel’thalas.  

And so Ohtion had grew up essentially fatherless.  He remembered, for a time, thinking as a young boy that kindly Brother Thael at the Abbey where he and his mother lived was his father. Brother Thael had gently corrected him of this notion, which had come to Ohtion because Thael was always giving him gifts, extra helpings of dessert, and so forth.  As a young boy, it was a fond memory for Ohtion.  As he got older, the memory soured - Thael had only done these things out of pity, and Ohtion hated to be pitied.

So when his mother and father had arrived on the field that day, the boy’s heart had been full. Fuller than it ever had been. All is well, he had thought as his mother rode forward, a trail of knights and younger paladins behind her in a wedge formation, puncturing into the orcish lines. Mother and father and I are together. We’re going to be together. A real family. Finally. All is well.

Oh, how wrong he was. Such is the folly of youth.

[kateanddevinreview]

A Christmas Prince

In Which Kate and Devin review Netflix’s new Christmas movie and utterly fail at avoiding spoilers.

Kate: So where do we start?! Devin: Pick a movie to talk about? Kate: Top of the list is Christmas Prince. It was terrible; from start to finish it was filled with cliches and things that didn't make sense Devin:  I liked the movie! Kate: You can like the movie that is fine. I enjoyed watching the movie? But only because it was so bad. Devin: I really like the izombie girl and she was super weird in this, almost soft spoken or something? Kate: She was weird, but she made it more enjoyable to me just because I like her. Devin: I would probably have been much less forgiving of this movie without her Kate: Prince was handsome, but I've already forgotten his name. Devin: Really? I thought he was eh. Kate: Not as handsome as in the next movie (spoliers!), but he was very princely I thought. Devin: I mean prince looked very british? But I don't find that attractive Kate: I guess I don't mean particularly attractive to me, but generically attractive. As in, I think more people would say he was very attractive than would say he was average. His acting was pretty blah though. His sister's hair was on point? Devin: Fair. She reminded me of the bitchy girl in willy wonka though. Kate: OMG, yes. She was very reminiscent of the bitchy girl. Devin: Was she the bitchy girl? Kate: I don't think she was? But definitely reminded me of her Devin: Hold on I am imdb-ing her Kate: Holding Devin:  Okay well searching “willy wonka and the chocolate factory” failed, because that is not the title. And you're right it's a totally different girl. Devin: Moving on, loved the queen lady, possibly because she's in it for all of 5 minutes. Kate: She was pretty good, very severe looking. But you could tell it was grief? (Spoiler: the king is dead) Devin: It's in the plot description, I don't think it's a spoiler. Kate: Oh is it? I didn't read the plot description. Devin: Also he's been dead for like a year Kate: Well fine Devin: No okay I lied. But it is revealed in like the first 10 minutes. Kate: It is a very major point in the plot. Kate: So actor choice I give it 8 christmas trees. Generally they all fit in and izombie girl made me willing to watch it. Devin: Yeah, out of 10 I'd say 8 is probably where I land too. Kate: Cool, consensus! Devin: I still really love that she has both family and friends and contacts them throughout the movie, like a normal person. Oh! And I liked that she called her boss to be like "hey, so, uh, what should I do?" Kate: That's true, the movie gets bonus points for concocting a real life around their protagonist. Devin: This is not a spoiler I don't think? But what the hell was with the scene where he saves her from wolves? Kate: Yes! That fit in nowhere? Wait, I mean, actually, when you think about how fast the plot moved, it progressed over only 2 weeks and ends with (Definitely spoiler) him proposing. Kate: Maybe attack by wolves was the instigating ‘falling in love quickly’ event? All the adrenaline? Devin: Oh yeah the timeline of this movie makes no sense. Also: how did she saddle and steal that horse if she was going to fall off so easy? Kate: How did she know how to ride a horse at all? Devin: Right? Kate: Clearly we are missing some important backstory here Devin: Was she from New York? Or do I just assume that's where all movie characters from a city live? Kate: I think the second, but I don't actually know where she was from. Her friend being super gay does suggest New York to me though.   Kate: Back to ratings, I'm going to give this one a low grade on Christmas-iness. I think the plot could have progressed absolutely the exact same way without being set over Christmas, using a birthday or something. I give it only 1 reindeer. Do they ever say how the King dies? Devin: I assume either illness or age… actually I feel like the king got cancer, but that could be 100% a lie. Kate: Doesn't matter because it’s not christmas related. Devin: Cold. Did you think the mom was old to have a daughter as young as Emily? I can't actually remember how old she looked. Kate: I really wondered about that. She looked a little old but my dad has a friend who got pregnant at 50, so physically it’s possible. And the sister was what, between 9-12? Devin: Probably Kate: So if mom was 55 in the movie that seems doable Devin: Ok. Also the king was a dick "hehe I will continue to lie to my only son about his parentage, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I AM DYING AND ALSO HE IS A GROWN ASS MAN AND IT AFFECTS THE POLITICS OF MY KINGDOM and then I will HIDE THIS VERY IMPORTANT LEGALLY BINDING DECREE to be found after my death and definitely for sure followed even though honestly no one has to listen to a dead guy. And the only hint they have is my shitty riddle poetry" Kate: I still very much doubt the legality of the paper "it has the king's seal on it" no thank you. That's not how I like my laws made Devin: Like doesn't he need that notarized or looked at by a council or some shit? Also, it's not even a decree, it just says "I love my son lots, just not enough to tell him the truth". Kate: And if he did, wouldn't that person have come forward when he died? So fucking weird, he was a dick, you're right. Devin: What modern day country is this anyway? Kate: A shitty European one. Devin: Like, fake country, yes. But I assumed they were using maybe England as a template or something. Kate: It seemed a little like they were. But a much smaller country than England? Devin: Are there still ruling monarchies? In real life? Kate: Yes? Saudi Arabia? Devin: Hmm, I don't know enough about Saudi Arabian law to determine if death bed messages hidden in acorns are legally binding. Kate: Well, one of their princes just murdered a bunch of their other princes, so probably not. Kate: Oh hey, apparently Monaco is a country that still has a ruling monarch. Devin: Huh Kate: There are others but I don't think we need to get into all that. Just go read the wiki people. Devin: I mentioned while I was watching, but I still resent her dramatic race to stop the coronation when she easily could have called the palace. Kate: You have cellphones! Use them! Devin: It would have saved at *least* half an hour. Kate: Trope! That goes in the trope category. I'm giving the plot like 2 eggnogs, maybe tropes like 4 jingle bells. Devin: Yeah the trope meter was off the scale in this movie. Kate: Like, I liked some of the tropes? Which is why it’s a little higher for me. But damn. All of them. Devin: Tropes can be good, they just threw a lot of them in there. Kate: They made a list of tropes and then made a movie around them. Devin: Clumsy female lead. Kate: Ugh. Hate that. Devin: "hehe oops, was this OBVIOUSLY EXPENSIVE VASE important?" Kate: Everything in a castle is expensive! Sick sister Devin: Mean kid just wants friendship. Kate: Ugh, the mean kid/friendship one is another pet peeve. Devin:  She goes from "I will kill you in your sleep" to "I trust you implicitly" in, like, a single scene. Kate: The sister warmed up to her in like 4 hours! That's not how it works! Have them bond over something silly right to begin with! Many movies do that well. Devin: If you need them to be friends for the plot, just don't make her mean to start! skip straight to friendship! Kate: Yes! Dead father. Dead mother Devin: Secret adoption Kate: Father who owns a restaurant that you have to go work at. Devin: Shaved his beard and suddenly she thinks he's hot Kate: Oh yes! Secretly not a playboy? Devin: Also he stole her taxi for seemingly no reason. Kate: I didn't really get that bit to be honest. Devin: Just to be a dick? Kate: Yeah, that was such a dick move. That was never addressed and she just forgave completely just because he's a prince. Devin: It's like they couldn't decide until halfway through if they wanted him to be nice or not. Also wanting to bone is not the same as love. Kate: Very true. It seemed like it just went on and on to me. I'd be like, surely this movie is wrapping up soon. And then it kept going. Devin: I definitely shouted at you "dear god look in the acorn!" for a solid hour of that movie Kate: You did. Over and over. You picked up on it the very first scene and you were cooking at the same time! Devin: It was so obviously a box! I have honestly no idea where she got the birth certificate from though. Or how bitchy love rival girl found it. I never learned her name Kate: Oh, so she literally just found the birth certificate in a desk at the lodge they went to after the wolves. It might have been a sort of secret compartment? But not very secret. Devin: lol what? Kate: And then bitchy rival girl searched her rooms. Devin: Rude Kate: Which was a huge invasion of privacy. Devin: If I was a secret reporter I would definitely lock that away. Kate: Right! They were like, spread out on her bed. Devin: Then again a 10 year old cracked her laptop password Kate: hahaha, I forgot that part, so dumb, just so dumb. Devin: She's honestly a terrible reporter Kate: Yeah, plot definitely only gets 2 eggnogs. I mean, she wasn't really a reporter. Devin: She sort of was? Kate: She was an editor who wanted to be a reporter. Devin: Yeah, fair. Kate: But clearly she was better at writing than reporting I would say. Devin: She did get the assignment. Kate: Cause no one else was available! Devin: What percentage of her getting that assignment was her boss hoping the prince would sleep with her? Kate: At least 75% Devin: "You lied your way into the palace? Goooooood. I stuffed some condoms in your luggage. No, no reason. Wink." Kate: OMG! Her boss was such a sleeze. Or at least it felt that way to me. Devin: I mean wasn't it a tabloid magazine? Kate: It must have been. Devin: iZombie was very naive. Kate: Soooooooo naive. How? She's an adult. Devin: A very sheltered adult. Kate: She works for a tabloid! Devin: Ok I think maybe it's final scoring time Kate: Ok, you wrap. Tell me how you feel? Devin: Probably a 3/10 for plot, 8/10 for actor choices, 4/10 for acting, uh, like 2/10 for Christmas-ness, 6/10 for ending? 2/10 for tropes? Kate: I think I’d go a little lower on the ending - 4 gift bags. It was pretty fucking weird, but it did end happy? And that's important in a christmas movie. Devin: It was weird, but I feel like I am very forgiving as long as it's happy. Split the difference and say 5? Kate: Sure, 5 gift bags. Devin: What would you give it overall? Kate: Overall it’s not a movie I would recommend unless you specifically like one of the following: the girl from izombie, movies about fake royal families or .... I can't think of a third thing Devin: Acorns Kate: Or acorns - if you really have a thing for super obvious plot devices, this movie is for you! Overall possibly 4 christmas's I suppose Devin: Aww, so low? Kate: Yeah, sorry. Devin: No you're fine. Kate: How many christmas's would you give the Christmas Prince? Devin: I was thinking a 6. Kate: I think 6 is perfectly acceptable. If you'd given it an 8 I would question. Devin: Never. Kate: Oh no! We forgot to judge the title! Devin: It's a terrible title. 0 sleigh bells. Kate: Yeah, 0 sleigh bells for the title. I think it was so we would realize it was supposed to be a christmas movie. Devin: Probably. The Christmas [Noun] is just so boring. Kate: The Christmas King would have made more sense? Devin: Hmm, I do like the Christmas King better. Kate: Because of the coronation plot line. That we didn't get into at all in this review. But whatever, go watch the movie. Devin: Yeah. Kate: You know it has something to do with acorns. Devin: Or don't watch it. Kate: Or don't.

[masksandtruths]

Bless Your Heart-Part 2

A/N: Welllll, looks like there will be more parts to this than I had originally planned. Yikes. Bear with me, because I'm trying. I just get so caught up in it that I don't want to stop the story. This part doesn't even include the prompt I chose for @deanjensengirlmaggie's strange pairings challenge, and for that, I apologize. However, I hope that you enjoy this next piece and want to say thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read this little fanfic of mine.

Warnings: Language, mentions of vomiting and gore

Summary: Dean and Sam are finally on a case in paradise...otherwise known as San Pedro, Belize. Several tourists have gone missing from Ambergris Caye just as the town's biggest festival of the year is ready to kick off, and it has the locals spooked. As the boys try to figure out what is snacking on the travelers, they run into a few members of the opposite sex that may or may not make this job a bit more difficult (but at least hotter) than most...bless their hearts <3

“Well they obviously had no issue becoming friends,” Dean observed as he looked towards his brother clearly enjoying himself with Y/N’s companions.

“Yeah,” Y/N agreed, “Shels never really does. She could make friends with a brick wall.”

“Sam is kind of like that too. Works out well in our line of work. Makes people just open up to him.”

“So what do y’all do, if you don’t mind me asking? Probably the kind of thing to ask before you shove your tongue down someone’s throat, but oh well.” Y/N shrugged and looked over at him, eyes dancing with amusement, waiting to hear his reply.

Dean sighed and went with their standard, vague explanation. “We work for the FBI. Down here because of the missing tourists, but that’s really about as much as I can say without earning a good ass chewing from that lumbering pile of hair over there. Sorry.” He nodded towards Sam who was throwing yet another shot back with the girls.

“No, I totally get it. No need to apologize. I wish I could tell you I was some super cool detective, but alas I’m just a lowly entrepreneur,” Y/N responded with a dramatic sigh. Dean snorted at her performance and asked about her business, genuinely curious for a change. Normally this was just part of the game to get a chick in bed, but this was different. He wanted to know all about her he realized with surprise...every stupid, silly little detail. 'God, I should kick my own ass for acting like such a fruit loop about some girl I barely know,' he thought to himself. But then her tone shifted to one more serious and passionate, and he snapped out of it. Her eyes brightened as she proudly described how she started her small marketing business in her hometown doing little things for family and friends and grew it to the point where she now had to employ three people just to keep up with the workload.

The conversation flowed back and forth easily from there. He liked cars and rock music, so did she. She was a proud, self-proclaimed nerd, his inner nerd showed itself occasionally. She rode horses, he could barely get on one but loved westerns anyway. She was artistic and loved books, he chose to leave that sort of thing to his brother. He’s a natural born fighter, she avoided fighting at all costs but had plenty of backbone when the situation called for it. She had a small family, his was smaller. And on and on it went until the bartender announced last call. By the end of the night, Sam was falling head first into bed after his drinking match with Shelby and Taylor. Dean, on the other hand, was falling head first into something entirely different.

The next morning Sam stumbled out of his bedroom, hair disheveled, clothes rumpled and looking like the epitome of a hangover. Dean glanced up from the Belizian newspaper he was reading while drinking his cup of coffee. “Morning sunshine,” he said in a loud chipper voice.

“Not right now dick wad. My hair hurts. Coffee,” he demanded.

“Your hair hurts?” Dean barked out a laugh as Sam gingerly touched his fingertips to his wild mane of hair. “Jesus dude that must be the most painful hangover ever. Your hair basically makes up 90 percent of you.”

“Fuck you, Dean. Give me 15 minutes to get ready.” As he turned to walk away, Dean swore he heard him mumble something about “freaking Texans” and their “stupid ass alcohol tolerance.”

Thirty minutes and a wild bumpy golf cart ride later, a green faced Sam and a thoroughly amused Dean were staring at a half-eaten, pin hole riddled, decaying corpse. The examiner told them the results confirmed the man was in fact one of the missing tourists, and the small puncture wounds were the cause of death.

“Well at least the poor bastard wasn’t alive while he was being munched on,” Dean said as he looked over the file.

Michael Frederick. Caucasian. Male. 36 years old. Five feet and eleven inches tall. Brown hair and brown eyes. Reported missing by the group of friends that had accompanied him to the island for his bachelor party. Found in a marsh on the southern side near the old Mayan ruin archaeological site.

“What a shitty way to go. Worst bachelor party ever.”

The examiner nodded his agreement as he bent over the body and focused on something resembling a nasty cotton ball stuffed into one of the victim’s wounds.

“What the hell is that?” Sam asked as he stood over the examiner’s shoulder.

“I have no idea, but I’ll send it off to the lab for testing and should have something back by the morning.” He reached his gloved fingers into the sore to pluck out the fibrous object, which to Dean’s delight, caused Sam to turn an even deeper shade of green.

The boys thanked him and stepped outside into the Belizean sunshine and fresh air. Sam immediately pulled his sunglasses over his eyes and took an unsteady breath as he tried to calm the rolling in his stomach. Dean, never able to turn down a chance to torture his oversized baby brother, let out a low whistle. “Whew, man, did you catch a whiff of the stench coming off that guy? That was awful. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that smell.” Sam’s bitch face came out to play as he realized exactly what Dean was doing. “And geez, all those holes? Limbs shredded and gnawed on? Wonder what he did to deserve that kind of death?” No reply from a stone-faced Sam, so he continued. “And what the hell was that cotton stuff in the one wound? Just gross. Dude, when he stuck his fingers in that rotting flesh I thought I was going to lose it.�� Dean earned a small gag from his brother at that one, but Sam regained control. Dean pressed on, scrunching his nose and making a disgusted face. “Oh and the sound it made as he pulled that thing out…Buh-huh-huhhhh. All that soggy, stinky junk still stuck in it. Hey what do you think that slimy shit covering it was?” And with that, Sam doubled over and emptied the contents of his stomach in the street.

“Jerk,” groaned Sam when he finally quit heaving.

“Bitch.” Dean smiled. “Maybe you can get the girls to teach you how to handle your drinks, Sammy.” 

Another half hour later, the boys carefully made their way down the raggedy ass walkway that led to the Marco Gonzales Maya Site where the body had been found. It looked like it had been pieced together with every scrap of driftwood and trash that washed up on the island over the last decade. Definite safety hazard.

“Man, back in the states OSHA would shut this down quick. You are one clumsy moment away from falling on your ass into this swamp and being some lucky gator’s main course.” Dean wiped at the sweat running down his face as he studied the uneven boards beneath his feet.

“Dude, don’t even pretend like you care what OSHA would think about anything. Safety isn’t exactly your middle name.” Sam called out from a few steps behind his older brother. “By the way, maybe you should have brought your trusty mosquito spray. I can’t tell where your jacket ends and the insects begin.”

Dean slapped at his back, causing a grey cloud to rise up and fly away momentarily before settling back into position to continue their task of trying to find a vulnerable piece of skin to attack. “Why do you think I decided to leave this jacket on, Captain Smart Ass? You think I did it because I enjoy sweating my balls off?”

Sam just shook his head knowing that anything he said would send his brother further into his little hissy fit about the heat and humidity and “pterodactyl bloodsuckers”.  The walkway dead ended into a soggy piece of land surrounded by more mangroves and dotted with small trees and other scraggly vegetation. A few of the trees bore a small laminated sign with directions to one of the several Mayan plazas. “Well Dean, you made it all the way here without being carried off by bugs or falling into the swamp, congratulations,” chided Sam.

“Yeah and apparently so did our vic.” Dean pointed to the police tape around a section of land to their immediate left that was butted up to the water. “Too bad something even worse was waiting to chomp down on the poor bastard.”

Sam drifted over to the area and did a quick scan, immediately noticing more of the fibrous material similar to the stuff extracted from the man’s wound earlier that day. “Here is some more of that cottony shit, but I don’t get where it is coming from.” He looked at the surrounding trees and plants. “I don’t see anything around here producing anything like that.”

Dean picked up a piece and examined it. “Reminds me of the fluff that exploded out the back of that fucking teddy bear’s head when he tried to off himself. Remember that, Sammy?” He smiled at the memory of one of their crazy cases and looked at his brother.

“Yeah man I remember, but that doesn’t do us one damn bit of good. We need to find out exactly what that shit is. I don’t even know what the fuck to research as of right now.”

Dean didn’t know where to start either if he was going to be perfectly honest with himself. “Well let’s take some pictures and get out of this swamp. We’ll find a bar, grab a beer and ponder on it a bit.”

Sam pulled his phone from his pocket to snap a couple pictures of the scene as he reluctantly admitted to his brother that alcohol didn’t exactly appeal to him at the moment. “Dean, man, I’ve got the bubble gut.  I don’t know if I can handle drinking right now. There’s a very real possibility I’m still only about half way sober.” Just thinking about it caused another wave of nausea to roll through his stomach.

“Hair of the dog, Sammy. Come on, don’t be a punk ass. There’s a lobster burrito and a Belikin calling my name, and I can’t think on an empty stomach,” Dean called as he turned and started to make his way back down the long walkway towards the golf cart.

“Since when do you do the thinking anyway, asshole?” Sam retorted as he put his phone away and followed his older brother. “Let’s just hope your dumb ass can quit day dreaming about Y/N long enough to actually help me solve this thing before someone else ends up looking like a pincushion.”

“Ha…ha…ha, the little brother has jokes, but at least I’m not the one that puked in the street this morning after spending the evening drinking with a couple chicks,” Dean shot back sarcastically. Sam made a vulgar gesture in his direction and spit some other insults his way, but truth be told, not one lick of it registered in his mind. Just as the sasquatch behind him had predicted, he was already back to his thoughts about a certain someone with enough brains, beauty and “bless your hearts” for the whole damn island…and suddenly his feet started stepping over those old uneven boards a little faster.

Tags: @duherica @dancingalone21 @deanjensengirlmaggie @abbessolute @hazelgreen86 @nerdwholikesword @melissaj616 @ilostmyshoe-79 @iwriteaboutdean @iwantthedean @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog @kittenofdoomage @oriona75 @winchesterprincessbride @winchester-writes @littlegreenplasticsoldier @supernatural-jackles @supernatural-jackles @daydreamingintheimpala @lizwinchester16 @misssamericaschavez @transcendentalones @goldenolaf25 @superkraftklub @unadulteratedstorycollector @whispersandwhiskerburn @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @bringmesomepie56 @nichelle-my-belle @tardis-full-of-fallen-angels @we-are-band-sexuals

[cheaprobot-blog]

Talking Tomato with Legs: A Bedtime Story

Alright, kiddo, here is a story about a tomato, a talking tomato with legs so he can do stuff. His name is... what's your name again? Jimmy! His name is Jimmy what a coincidence. Alright he's in your favorite place Scoopy's Ice Cream Palace! Tomato guy Jimmy is super happy here because he loves ice cream and eating it is his favorite. He goes to get some strawberry blast cream when the guy behind the counter he has one of those dumb paper hats you like so much he's like "Whatchu doin here tomato man you belong in salads or a ketchup." "I wanna strawberry blast uh in a cone, the sugary one" "Ohhoho new policy you veggie-fruit abomination, tomatoes get sent to the Pitt!" The ice cream guy pulls a diabolical lever behind the counter and the floor falls beneath Jimmy sending him like 8 feet down where he plops on a mattress. "Oh crackers!" Says Tomato Jimmy "This is no place for a talking tomato haha!" Breaking into a nervous sweat. He bumbles around in the dark when he finds a flashlight. Tomato-man waves it around like a light saber for a bit then gets bored, then he finds a door with words on it. "Thee who answereth thisth riddle can maybe get some ice cream which is behind this here door here." Says the voice in Jimmy's head when he looks at the words "What is round and red, has a leafy bit on the top, and is definitely and definitively a vegetable, Terry, you big dumb idiot I..." It stops being important because Jimmy knows the answer "Why, it is I, a tomato oh great door, I now desire entree." The door does not respond so the Tomato just kinda pushes on it for a bit until it opens. Inside is a great hall with chandeliers and paintings of ice cream on the walls and a big dining table with a throne at the end all filled with talking vegetables. The room goes silent as our tomato hero shambles in all befuddled like. "Ummm... My name's Jimmy and I like Ice Cream." The hall erupts with applause and joy and they sing songs replacing the names with Jimmy’s as they hoist him in a chair and spoon Ice Cream in his mouth but not in a sexual way. "This is wonderful! I love Ice Cream so much and this is great being surrounded by creatures similar to I and being liked and all!". The vegetables carry Jimmy to their leader at the end of the room, a cucumber with a paper crown from a burger joint "Oh I love those!" interrupts real Jimmy. The cucumber goes on to inspect the new guy "Greetings fellow vegetable! Here we all eat Ice Cream and watch Veggie Tales!" Jimmy is too busy eating ice cream to listen but cucumber doesn't care, he’s back to watching Veggie Tales. Like a few hours go by but that’s a couple years at least in tomato years so Jimmy is all fat now. Jimmy realizes that ice cream is great and all but this Veggie Tales and ice cream crap gets boring so he stands up "Uhh, Ima go later guys, take it easy" and headed for the door. Cucumber king interrupts "You don't like Veggie Tales! You may never leave! Seize him!" A couple carrots and an asparagus march up to Jimmy who is now crying. Next thing Jimmy knows he is in a cell. Across from him is a rotting apple core with a long white beard who begins in a gruff voice "You... you are as I." "What do you mean ancient one?" "Who are you calling an-!" Apple core man regains his cool mysterious vibe "Ahem, You are a fruit as I am, and as everyone totally knows all fruit people know krav maga." "Krav Maga?" "Yes, it's like karate but cooler." "What you're saying is, I have the power." That one snap song (their only one lets be honest) plays as Jimmy punches his jail open and heads again for the door. "I'm terribly sorry vegetable people, but I am a fruit, I know because I know krav maga." gasps fill the hall and cucumber king approaches "That is irrefutable evidence which also explains why you don't like Veggie Tales, I am no longer offended." Proclaims the king "Here, let me get the door and prepare the ladder." Jimmy leaves Scoopy's, for it is a strange and cruel place. "I guess I am a fruit after all" and Jimmy tomato legs lets out a sharp whistle that summons up a horse and he rides into the sunset because it's the 1700s for some reason. The end. And you tell that dopey ass cousin of yours, real Jimmy, if I have to tell him one more time tomatoes are a fruit I swear im gonna roundhouse kick him.