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evabellasworld · 4 years ago

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Acing it with Love

For Star Wars POC Week 2020

Day 4: Sexuality

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Summary: Commander Tori of the 101st Battalion, who is an asexual, took Ava Lira and Eva Bella Young to the park when they have a deep discussion with an old lady, who shares the same sexuality as the clone commander

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Laying on her bed with a datapad in her hands, Tori was reading over her reports that she made earlier to Admiral Sallis about the Battle of Reza. The casualties counts were less compared to the other battalions, but many of her brothers and sisters were receiving treatment in the med bay, hoping to get back into action.

Her head began to hurt as her eyelids felt heavy, forcing her to put down her datapad beside her. Goodness, I need to get myself some fresh air, she said to herself, rubbing between her eyebrows. I'll go mad if I stay here any longer now.

Lifting herself off from her bunk, she looked in a mirror and adjusted her curly, black locks. Like all the clone troopers that were cloned from Krystal Mereel, Tori had dark skin, buttoned nose and earth-coloured, round eyes, along with a full lips and puffy cheeks, that are often squished by her brothers like Cody as a way to annoy her.

Clones of Jango Fett, on the other hand, have tanned skin and a nose slightly sharper than their sisters, but their sibling-like bonds are much stronger than the pillars that hold every part of the building. Due to Jango and Krystal being siblings through adoption, both male and female soldiers were put together by the Kaminoans to help them get along with each other.

They may tease each other, they may bicker and argue, but they love each other, no matter what. Tori gets along with Cody, who is a few months older than her. From their days as clone cadets, Cody guides Tori and accompanies her whenever she gets sent to the med bay, due to her accident-prone nature. She had lost count of how many casts she has ever worn in her lifetime.

From arm injury to head concussion to even a pelvic fracture that almost cost her service as a commander of the 101st Battalion, somehow, like both her Jedi Generals Ava Lira and Eva Bella Young, who were only 10 years old, Tori had avoided the angel of Death many, many times.

Another brother Tori is close to is Rex, who is much younger than her. She basically acts bossy to him and orders him to do whatever she pleases just for fun, despite his irritation. Ironically though, Rex himself had made Tori wish she could murder him in his sleep and even thought about selling him to the black market just for a pack of two fours.

Of course, Tori does love him dearly, but at the same time, she would roast him with her crude humour and make sarcastic comments about his stupidity and rigidness towards everything, if he understands her perfectly well.

Passing by her comrades underneath her command, they give her a respectful salute, which Tori gestured to them back as she headed outside of the clone barrack and hopped onto her speeder that is parked in her designated spot.

The sky was still bright, with the hot, afternoon sun shining in the horizon, along with the thick, white clouds that resembled cotton candies that Lira and Eva indulged in at a local carnival on Coruscant.

From what she recalled, there were carousels that has horses spun around with a machine, there was a Ferris wheel that took them high above the ground, like a ship, and there were games that could let them win all sorts of prizes, like a black ring that Tori wore on her middle finger, which gives away to everyone that she’s an asexual.

Like her sisters, Tori does have a preference for dark-skinned men who are also tall and handsome, but she doesn’t think about sleeping with them, ever. Instead, she thinks of her man in a romantic way, such as taking her on a picnic beside a lake, or swimming together on a sandy beach.

But that doesn’t stop her from reading erotic literature that Odd Eye recommended to her, though. She enjoys reading from authors such as Vanka Pollak, who wrote Devilish Love, which was about a woman who has an intense love affair with a sex demon that she summoned from hell.

The book was quality writing for her, but in real life, Tori couldn’t feel lust towards strangers she just met at a bar, or even men and women that she knew very well. Her siblings don't insult her or belittle her for lacking sexual attractions, but that doesn’t make her immune to creeps, who don't seem to understand her boundaries she had set.

Stopping in front of the Jedi Temple, Tori stepped inside and took the elevator to the Jedi’s quarters. Noticing drawings of flowers in front of the door, the clone commander gave a knock. “Come in,” a child’s voice replied.

She walked in and found both her Jedi General, Ava Lira and Eva Bella Young, sitting on the floor, playing with their toys. “Tori,” Lira smiled and jumped onto her, prompting her to hold her with both arms.

“Hey, girls,” she greeted, putting Lira down. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Eva answered, hugging both of her dolls. “We’re just playing with each other, that’s all.”

“Is that so? Well, I was thinking I could go out with you both, if you’re okay with it,of course.”

“I want to,” Lira cheered, grabbing her backpack on Eva’s bed. “Where are we going?”

"I was thinking maybe we could go together, you know," shrugged Tori.

"Can Buttercup and Stripes come with us?" Eva asked, referring to her stuffed toys.

"Of course, sweetie. Your friends can come with us as well."

The redheaded twins with blue-green, almond-shaped eyes and fair skin yelled happily as they followed Tori to her speeder, sitting beside her.

"I hope both your masters are okay with this,” Tori informed them, driving through the smooth, Coruscanti traffic. “You know how protective they tend to be towards you.”

“They’re both at war right now,” Lira said.

“Oh,” one of her eyebrows raised. “What about General Skywalker and Commander Tano?”

“Same thing.”

Well, that explains why I didn’t see Codes or Rexster this morning. I thought they were hanging out together without me. Then again, I don’t blame them for wanting a guys only hangout. After all, even we ladies do the same as well.

As they arrived at the large public park that is located in the heart of the city, Lira and Eva rushed out of the vehicle and dashed towards the playground, causing Tori to chase after those troublesome twins. “Girls, wait up,” she laughed. “I’m not as fast as you both.”

That was a huge, fat lie. Tori is pretty fast, but only if her life heavily depends on it. Otherwise, she’ll have to catch up with Cody, Rex, and Mayyah whenever they’re on shore leave. Back on Kamino, Tori is the slowest among her batchmates, which was one of the reasons why she’s always in bandages every week.

She reached the playground's bench and saw Lira and Eva playing in the sandbox with their toys while building a sandcastle. Tori felt that the girls were lucky that they got to act like a child. Meanwhile, she had to train from 5 a.m. to 10 p.m. in Kamino when she's their age.

The playground was full of kids their age, with some of them playing on the swings, some hanging on the monkey bar, and the rest of them were just scattered everywhere.

Tori noticed their parents were sitting beside her, observing their kid's antics. "Conny, don't stand on that slide," one of the mothers yelled. "You're gonna fall, young man."

Must be one of the overbearing mothers, the commander rolled her eyes as she saw the twins sharing their toys with a little girl, who had purple skin and lekkus. "This is Buttercup," Lira introduced her rag doll. "She is very huggable."

She could only smile as the Twi'lek girl shook hands with Lira, who then introduced her to Eva, who was holding her sister's hand with fear in her eyes.

"Don't worry, Evie," Lira assured her. "She won't bite."

As Eva shook hands with the Twi'lek girl, Tori's lips curved upwards. That is sweet of Lira to introduce her new friends to Evie.

She recalled a time on Kamino when her comrade, Odd Eye, joined her class and was extremely timid and quiet to interact with her batchmates. It was Gowon, who was close to Odd Eye, helped her introduce her to Tori and Wollfe, who wanted to get to know Odd Eye very well. Odd Eye wasn’t an ace like Tori, but she validated her for her sexuality and her cheerful personality.

“I hardly see you around,” a dark, old lady with glasses spoke to her, holding her cane. “Do you always go here?”

Tori has never seen that old lady before, but regardless whether she’s a complete stranger or an old friend from the past, she wouldn’t mind some company anyhow. Though she was warned not to interact with someone she doesn’t know, she felt safe if a woman twice her age decided to talk to her.

“I come here sometimes,” she answered politely. “Usually, I would be fighting in another part of the galaxy or I would hang out with my brothers and sisters.”

“Is it scary for you to be out there, fighting and seeing your own siblings dying around you?”

Tori nodded, frowning. “Yes, ma’am. It is brutal, but we can’t do anything to bring them back, no matter how much you tried to protect them.”

“Do you cry when they die?”

“I do, but I try my best to be strong for the sake of others’, you know.”

“There is nothing with crying,” the old lady gave her the softest smile, which melts Tori’s gentle heart. “You are a person, after all. We all run on emotions and empathy.”

The clone commander was surprised. No one, except for her siblings and Lira and Eva, had ever called her a person, ever. She and the rest of her vods were just properties of the Republic. They were bred on Kamino to fight and die. They weren’t meant to have their own interest outside of war, or even bond with people they met. It shocks her whenever people like Lira and Eva and the old lady tell her that she is a sentient being.

“Is something wrong, sweetie?” the old lady asked, noticing her distress.

“My apologies, ma’am,” Tori replied. “But we clones aren’t people. We were meant to be expendable and replaceable, that’s all.”

“Not to me,” she squeezed her warm hand onto hers, making Tori blinked twice. “You and your comrades risked your lives to protect us from danger. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

She stuttered for a moment, before she was able to answer. “I’m not fishing for compliments, ma’am. We were just bred that way.”

“You may look the same as the rest of them, but your own personality and quirks is what stands you out. Like for instance, I saw you running with your kids in the park an hour ago.”

Tori chuckled. “I’m not their mother, ma’am. I’m just looking after Lira and Eva while their parents are away for war.”

By Lira and Eva’s parents, she meant General Doyvesky and General Kenobi. She was aware about the twin’s biological mother from what they told her. According to Eva, their mother resembled the twins, but with black, silky hair. The father, on the other hand, was not in the picture at all.

“Doesn’t matter whether you’re related or not,” the old lady laughed. “What matters is the bond that you and the kids had formed together and from what I can tell, they seemed to look at you as their mother figure.”

I would be surprised if that’s the case, Tori said to herself. I’m not as close to them as General Doyvesky and General Kenobi.

“Right, of course, ma’am.”

“You know, I didn’t get your name earlier,” she slapped her own forehead. “What do you call yourself, child?”

“I’m Tori,” the clone introduced herself. “Those girls you were referring to are Lira and Eva Young. It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am.”

“You can just call me Grandma, Tori,” the old woman glanced at Tori with her deep, dark eyes, as if she has seen a lot through her whole life. “You have such a beautiful name.”

Before Tori could say something, Lira and Eva ran up to her, holding their toys. “Tori, we’ve made a new friend,” said Lira, pointing at the Twi’lek child, who was with her mother. “Her name is Leta.”

“Well, that’s great,” Tori grinned, turning to the grandma. “Well, it’s been a pleasure to talk to you.”

“Of course, dearie. Let me know if you need anything.”

As Tori bobbed her head and stood up, she noticed the exact same black ring on her wrinkly finger, sparking a curiosity in Tori’s head. “Grandma, where did you get this ring?”

“This ring was given to me by a friend of mine when I came out as an asexual many years ago,” she narrated her story. “It was a proud moment in my life to gain my confidence in my sexuality. I saw that ring on you as well, my dear. Are you proud to be an ace as well?”

Tori smiled, realizing that she isn’t the only one who lacks sexual attraction towards others.All these while, the public sees asexuals as less than a person, causing Tori to doubt herself. But now, she’s not alone, and she felt validated.

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Commander Tori:

Ava Lira and Eva Bella Young:

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infinitesimal-grey · 5 years ago

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Prince Starved 8

G/t College Sanders Sides AU

This chapter is a wild, emotional (good and bad) ride from start to finish. Enjoy.

Co writer: R

I think hiddendreamer isnt beta-ing the doc anymore so just a general thank you to them for being amazing, I highly recommend their checking out their many g/t stories and blogs

Warnings: Caps, mention/alluding to childhood abuse, scars

Word count: 1,630

...

"Just don't step on any bruises dumbass." Roman put the jar of salve on his back, along with a pile disinfectant wipes that he tore up while Virgil was otherwise preoccupied. He rested his head in one arm so he could see Virgil out the corner of his eye.

"I won't." Virgil rolled his eyes and walked over to the stuff. He picked up a piece of wipe and scooped some salve into his fingers. He went first to the bloodied scrapes, finding them the most important to address. "This is way weird.." He chuckled a bit. "Never expected myself to' be helping a giant with his wounds." "Wounds that are my fault," Virgil left unsaid.

Roman hummed in agreement, "Not really what I was expecting to be doing this evening as well.

"What were you planning on?"

"Dunno, I'd probably be showing you around where I live. But we're both pretty sore so I think that's the end of our adventuring."

Virgil shivered at the thought of going back into the cold, not to mention that that would put them back into Comrade's line of fire. "Yeah."

They sat in a comfortable silence while Virgil patched Roman up, but there was still an underlying tension etched into the muscles in Roman's back.

"Were you ever planning on mingling with giants if it weren't for me?" Roman asked, thoughts falling down an anxious pondering on the fact that them having met was one in thousands.

Virgil hummed quietly to himself, continuing to fix up Roman's wounds as he thought. "Dunno... Don't think I ever really planned to, no.. I didn't like, see myself never mingling with giants but, didn't see myself doing it either, y'know?"

"... Would you have met with me today if you knew I who I was?"

"I know who you are Roman." Virgil focused his eyes downward.

"I think you know what I mean," Roman let out a nervous chuckle that bounced back slightly.

"I--ahk!" Virgil stumbled as he flew and landed belly and face down on Roman's back, face flushing wildly. "Ro! Hold still!"

Roman couldn't help it, it was a welcome and hilarious distraction to something he might not want to hear. He couldn't help but let his thoughts be sucked away by it and he laughed harder.

Virgil scrambled for purchase on Roman's still slightly shower slick back. "Ro!"

"Pff-I'm- I'm s-sorry-hahaha!!" He pressed his face into the pillow, but still his laughter continued.

Virgil slipped across the back and clung to Roman's ribs. He kicked at his friend's arm in an attempt to gain purchase. "ROMAN YOU ABSO-GAH-" His foot slipped and he fell into Roman's side, which his voice couldn't help but crack embarrassingly at, "-LUTE PEDESTRIAN STOP TH-THIS!"

"Your insult game is getting weak pipsqueak." Roman smirked and let out a heavy laugh as he glanced over his shoulder at Virgil's predicament. The tomato-red emo looked like he was about to spit back a scalding retort but literally squeaked when he found himself bucked multiple inches into the air. He came back down on a nasty bruise that made Roman wince, but it was worth it for the look on the human's face.

Virgil huffed and puffed in the exertion of regaining ground his friend's back just so Roman could hear his dramatized aggravation. Roman found it hilarious but patiently waited for his friend to get back to the center of his back.

He sat up and crossing his arms now that the ground beneath him wasn't as much of a tumultuous sea of muscle. The back was obviously still shaking with muffled amusement, though. "Oh my gods, Ro, stop laughing or I'll leave your cuts to infect and kill you."

"Yeah yeah," he let a few more chuckles escape before stretching his neck and relaxing into the pillow.

Virgil huffed, and moved further up to his friend's shoulders. "Jeez, they really fucked ya' up didn't they, Ro?" He moved to a new wound, but paused, staring at Roman's back in confusion. That's... not new.

"Barely felt it," Roman grinned cheekily, but inside he could still feel ghost sensations of what it was like to be kicked over... and over... He nipped that unwelcome trip down memory lane at the bud.

Virgil frowned slightly, setting the disinfectant to his side as he leaned forward and ghosted his fingers over what seemed to be an old, round scar. He couldn't quite tell what it was, but it seemed almost like a burn… He jerked his hand back when he felt every individual fiber in Roman's back tense.

Roman had to stop himself from bolting straight up at the touch. He stayed painfully quiet and the air in the room froze in suspense.

Virgil glanced up toward where Roman's head lay. He was unable to see the giant's expression from here. A searching glance showed more scars surrounding where he sat and a sick unease festered in him. Looking back down to the old scar, he lightly laid his hand on it. Even with his fingers splayed they barely reached the scar's circumference. "...Ro, what's this?"

Roman shivered at the ghost sensation that pulled up memories like unruly weeds. His voice dropped in volume. "...what do you mean? Probably just something Comrade's friend did."

"I mean this." Virgil's worry filled voice strengthened, making it clear his concern would not waver. He lightly ran a finger persistently around the edge of the burn, frowning as his thoughts drew conclusions that he was going to kill whoever caused this scar. "It's.. not new."

Roman sat up abruptly, he stretched his arm awkwardly behind his back and grabbed Virgil upside down in a fist. The fist swung around and Roman searched Virgil's eyes. "Please." He was quiet and strained, practically begging. It came out as if his throat was choked.

"Woah--" Virgil tried not to shake in the firm grip surrounding him. Roman's eyes shone wetly with more emotion than he'd ever seen them betray before. Virgil was finding trouble in getting his nerves to calm down enough to speak to the giant.

"..What happened..? You haven't told me about that- they looked like.. like burns." He finally managed. He thought Roman and him confided in each other, but this was a whole new facet to his friend that he had never met.

Roman averted his eyes and his hand tightened slightly in not quite a menacing, but tense.

Virgil could his breathing's slight restriction and his heart lurched in primal fear. But he beyond that he could only feel his concern swell and overtake the fear. He leaned forward, setting a hopefully reassuring hand on Roman. "Ro, please?"

"It's just a scrape from a past life. There is a reason I'm not home right now of course..." Roman realized with horror what he was doing and set Virgil on the bed before burying his face in a pillow.

Virgil took grateful, full breaths but frowned at Roman's 'hiding'. Fear made him hesitate and shuffle idly away. No, this is Roman. Virgil reminded himself. I know Roman. He's the same person. Same friend. He liked to think he was convinced but that didn't stop his knees from shaking. Nevertheless he hesitantly approached and climbed up onto the giant's pillow, sitting himself down next to Roman's face. He paused but set a reassuring hand on his temple. "Hey, Ro.. It's okay. It just makes me worried because you've never told me about you having that... sort of scar.." He didn't mention what he assumed them to be- partially to not trigger Roman further but also not wanting to be grabbed in that fist again.

"I'm sorry, I don'- I can't like talking about it." Roman sighed.

Virgil nodded slowly, leaning over to give Roman the best 'hug' he could manage. "That's alright, Ro. You can.. talk about it when you're ready. If that means never, it means never." He frowned, knowing with Roman that that might end up happening. He tended to bottle things up until the pressure became volatile.

Roman blew some air out his nose in releif. His hand came up and 'hugged' Virge back, holding him to his warm cheek in a nonverbal thank you.

Virgil stifled a surprised yelp, staying stiff as a board for a few moments. Then he smiled and just relaxing into their odd sort of embrace with a sigh.

"We should probably finish bandaging, after that we can watch a movie or somethin'." Roman mumbled, his speech vibrating through Virgil. He pulled his hand away and turned slightly in the pillow so a singular, dewy eye could peek out at Virgil.

Virgil nodded. "Yeah." He offered a small smile, patting Roman's cheek a few times. "You gunna be good?"

"Mhm," Roman mumbled into the pillow. He twitched at the pats, not expecting such an odd sensation.

Virgil hesitated for a few moments but gave Roman another quick 'hug' before pulling away and reclimbing the giant's back. He returned to methodically fixing up the various cuts and bruises on his back.

The giant froze, his tan face and shoulders bloomed like a crimson rose at the unexpected, second hug. He remained there blushing and internally screaming at the voices in his head that were trying to convince him to scoop Virgil up right that second.

Virgil didn't say anything else, forcing the flush away from his own face with a few clever dabs of the cooling salve. He kept working his way over the bruises and cuts, letting out a heavy sigh and flopping onto his back once he'd finished. "Okay, so, that took forever but that should be everythin'." Virgil had found more scars than he wanted to admit, but he didn't want to upset Roman again by mentioning them further.

...

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realfuurikuuri · 5 years ago

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MissingArm!AU Chapter 4

The Key to My Heart is the Juice From a Blood Red Apple

Prepare for a long chapter, ya'll. TanyaMao angst is long arduous and deliciously painful. This took a minute to get out, especially when I've been so busy, but it was a lot of fun to write. The character drama here is strong, which is a change of pace for me. I enjoy the amount of show vs. tell I included in here. I feel like it really brings out the best in the characters. The song recommendation here is Stolen Dance - Milky Chance. Enjoy the chapter. AU made by @spookylovesboba

WC: 2,536

AO3 Link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21199634/chapters/50655644

Mao Mao was in the dojo, working to get his fingers under a rock. It was smooth and round; weighed a little over two hundred pounds. It was one of six that he had. When he finally got his fingers underneath the rock he made sure to lift with his arm, instead of his legs. Mao Mao lifted it up and placed it on the pedestal. Three down, three to go. He was lifting the fourth when he heard the door open. Did Bagderclops and Adorabat finally get back? Mao Mao got Badgerclops to agree to be a chaperone. He certainly wasn’t going to let them visit an active volcano without supervision.

“Badgerclops,” he said in between breaths,” you got groceries, right?”

“I don’t know. You’re going to have to ask him, Mittens.”

Mao Mao’s hand slipped. He fell back with the rock weighing down on his chest. “God- Fuck!” He gasped.

Tanya watched him move the stone. The confident, sly smirk was gone. Replaced by a regretful straight line.

“How’ve you been? Up to anything new,” she asked.

“Oh, nothing new. Just strength training, Atlas stones,” he said pointing to the rocks.

Things got terribly quiet. Mao Mao could hear his bonsai trees shaking in the breeze.

“So, I heard Jǐngtì stopped by,” she said.

“Uh, yeah he did. D- do you mind if we do this inside...and not sober.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Mao Mao led Tanya to the kitchen. The change of setting didn't get rid of the awkwardness between them. Mao Mao knew that Tanya would show up eventually. She wasn’t like him. She couldn’t -wouldn’t- be satisfied with doing this over the phone. He’d already prepared and practiced bits and pieces of conversation to make things lighter but found them all fleeting now. Mao Mao stood on the chair and his tippy toes to reach the top shelf.

“Why hide it up there?”

“Adorabat is only like six or seven years old.”

“Did your new boyfriend convince you to try and be a better parent?”

Mao Mao brushed away the snide remark as best he could. If anyone had the right to say shit like that it was Jǐngtì; his mother a close second.

“What do you want? We got beer, a bottle of vodka, some wine I don’t remember buying and hard cider.”

“Cider.”

“You feeling nostalgic, too?”

She didn’t say anything.

They sat across from each other in silence. Tanya had barely touched her glass while Mao Mao was already on his second mug.

“How’ve you been,” she asked.

“Fine, I guess. I got sued the other day.”

“Really?”

“I won the case, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“What happened to the other guy.”

“He’s already out of prison. The kingdom’s laws don’t really make sense, to be honest.”

“So, Jǐngtì was here, right?”

Fuck.

“Yeah, he was,” he said.

Fuck.

“What the hell happened?”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Mao Mao took a deep breath, searching for a way to explain last week’s events. “He-”

Mao Mao was interrupted by a knock on the door. That was all good with him. He needed all the time he could get.

“I’ll get it.”

Mao Mao didn’t know who was at the door. It was just Benny and Penny with an Amazon package Badgerclops ordered. Mao Mao threw the package on to the couch and went back to the kitchen.

He took one big gulp of cider to finish his third mug. “What was I saying?”

“You were telling me what Jǐngtì was doing here.”

“Oh, uh-, he was… trying to get back at me.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“He… tied up a bunch of sweetipies and kidnapped Badgerclops and Adorabat.”

Tanya took her first sip.

“What did he want?”

“He-”

There was a knock at the door.

Tanya took a deep breath and rubbed her temples. Mao Mao got up to answer it. It was Badgerclops with Adorabat sitting on his shoulder. Adorabat was fine, although Badgerclops’ fur was singed at the edges

“You will not believe the day I had. Chubbums made the volcano erupt! I almost died! And I’m pretty sure we displaced thousands of woodland creatures. It was quite the day.”

“I’m certain it was,” Mao Mao said.

Adorabat held her nose. “Your breath smells like apple juice and hospitals.”

Mao Mao wondered what she meant until he remembered the cider. Was it already on his breath?

“You good?" Badgerclops asked. “You don’t really drink unless-”

Badgerclops grew quiet when he saw Tanya in the other room. A series of expressions passed on Badgerclops’ face. First was a surprise, then confusion, finally landing on an adult’s smirk.

“I can just take her into town if you’re… reliving the past.”

“What? No. That's-”

“Tanya,” Adorabat exclaimed, interrupting Mao Mao and flying over without hesitation.

Fantastic.

* * *

Adorabat quickly struck a conversation with Tanya. Adorabat did have a charm to her. The smile Adorabat put on Tanya’s face was genuine, which was something Mao Mao hadn’t done in years.

She was telling Tanya what happened on the field trip. He would have assumed she was exaggerating things if Badgerclops didn’t have burns to prove it. “-and then we used the areocycle to- hang on! I want to show you a painting I made.” Adorabat zipped away into the other room as quickly as she came.

Tanya watched her go with a distant stare.

An awkward silence filled the air.

“She’s a good kid,” she said.

“Yeah,” Mao Mao said.

“Mao Mao, I can’t find it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m coming,” he said, thankful to finally be away from the terrible awkwardness.

* * *

Badgerclops and Tanya were left in the kitchen. Tanya tapped her finger against the table still staring off into space, while Badgerclops searched for the burn ointment. Bagderclops didn’t really know what to think of Tanya. All he knew about her was what Mao Mao would tell him until she kidnapped him. He gave glowing reviews of her. He said she was kind, sweet, and attractive. Badgerclops wasn’t sure he agreed with all of that.

“So, what brings you here,” he asked Tanya.

“Huh? Oh, I was just… asking Mao Mao about some things.”

He made note that she didn’t call him mittens.

“About Jǐngtì, right?”

She stiffened a little bit. “Yeah. Yeah, I was.”

“How’d he happen?”

“What?”

“You know,” Badgerclops said,” how’d you and Mao Mao split up.”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No, he did. It’s just that he’s…”

“-Overdramatic?”

“You said it not me, but yeah.”

Tanya sighed,” we were young when it happened. Not even adults yet, teenagers. We’d already been traveling together for a while, and when he turned 18 we celebrated and got drunk.”

“Mao Mao drank underage?”

“I wish. We were at a place where the drinking age was 18, so he decided it was okay. I certainly wasn’t going to let him celebrate his birthday sober. Anyway, we got to drinking… and then to kissing and then… well, you can guess what happened.”

“I’m surprised two teenagers decided to keep a child.”

Tanya had started to drink. First, it was just a few sips of cider and now she getting a refill.

"Teenagers are fucking dumb. We overestimated ourselves. We both had incomes and a stable relationship. So like, what the hell? Why not try and raise a kid?”

Her story was consistent with the one Mao Mao told him.

“How was rasing Jǐngtì,” he asked.

She stiffened, looking out to the distance, stuck in memories. “What are you doing asking me all this? Jealous of your boyfriend's ex and child showing up out of nowhere?”

Badgerclops first thought was of how rude that comment was, then it changed to boyfriend.

“Sorry,” she groaned,” I’ve just… had too much to drink.”

“We’re not dating,” Badgerclops said.

“Really? You’re not dating?”

“No, we’re not.”

“You’re just two dudes living together -raising a child together- five feet apart cause they’re not gay?”

“Exactly.”

At least that’s what he thought. It's not that Badgerclops was against the idea. Mao Mao was cute it's just that Mao Mao has never really expressed any interest in it. Not just towards boys, towards romance at all. He assumed Mao Mao was asexual until he started talking about Tanya when he got drunk. He thought it was just drunken bullshit. It was only when Badgerclops mentioned the drunken rambling to a sober Mao Mao did he realize how true it was.

He could recall the day easily. It was before the aerocycle. They were washing up in a river trying to blow off massive hangovers. Badgerclops made an innocent joke -something about the drunken ramblings being a virgin’s fantasy- when Mao Mao suddenly stopped. Despite still standing in the river Mao Mao just stood there for a few minutes, trapped on a trip down memory lane, until he slowly came back to reality. Badgerclops still felt like shit for that.

“Found it!” Adorabat quickly flew back into the kitchen, carrying a piece of paper. Here! Look!”

Whatever was on the paper shook Tanya a great bit. The smile stiffened, her eyes got a little wider, her hands began to tremble. “It’s-, it's great,” she choked out.

Badgerclops placed a hand on Adorabat’s shoulder. “Hey let’s go play some games, okay?”

“Sure.”

Badgerclops made sure to turn the volume up, so Adorabat wouldn't overhear anything. He knew that picture. It was a simple drawing of herself, Badgerclops, Mao Mao, and Tanya. They were all holding hands, smiling, a happy little rainbow danced in the background. They were a family. Something Tanya wanted, but couldn’t have. It was incredibly rude to show that to Tanya; one of those things that make you cringe when you look back on it. How old would Adorabat be when she realized how cruel that was?

* * *

Tanya watched Mao Mao sit down out of the corner of her eye. He tapped his fingers against the table, searching for someplace to look before settling on his empty mug. Tanya wanted to say something, to ask him everything, but where to begin? Start with their missing son? How their child is slowly going even further off the deep end? Or maybe the new family he started after leaving his old one a broken wreck?

Tanya wanted to say she hated this man. She wanted to say she hated how he whined in that sultry voice, that she hated the myriad of gross scars of his well-toned body, that she hated the adorable way he second-guessed every decision he made, yet here she was happy to just be speaking to him.

“Why’d you leave?”

Mao Mao looked up.

“Why’d you leave,” Tanya asked again.

“I -I -I,” Mao Mao stuttered,” I-... don’t know.”

“Look, Mittens I-”

Sssaaaavvve my bacon! I’m really in a jam!

Everyone turned to the bizarre alarm as it rang out. Tanya sighed and gestured for Mao Mao to go.

He got up and then sat back down. “Go ahead. I’ll catch up later.”

Tanya felt a bit of rosy red on her cheeks. Just maybe he learned to put family over that stupid obsession of his.

Badgerclops considered it for a minute before saying okay and taking Adorabat with him. She could hear the roar of the aerocycle as they left.

Tanya stared at Mao Mao; he stared back.

“You should have just gone,” she said.

“You wanted to ask me something. I’ll answer it and then go. I still have a job to do.”

The words felt like a sledgehammer to the skull.

Tanya put her face in her hands and laughed. “I wanted to ask what kind of dumb, desperate slut falls for a walking, talking napoleon complex with daddy issues that can’t put family over his stupid fucking obsession?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“What do you know? Do you at least know where our- where my -son is?”

“I don’t know,” he said again.

Tanya pointed at the door. “Just go. Just… go,” she said.

She heard the scape as Mao Mao pushed out his chair, his steps against the hardwood floor, the front door creak as it opened, and the soft click as it closed.

* * *

The king hid behind his throne while Badgerclops examined the bones. They were littered all over the floor… a pattern? Or was he just seeing things? If it was a pattern, what did it mean?

“Badgerclops,” Adorabat asked.

“Hm?”

“What’s with Mao Mao and Tanya?”

Oof. Why did she have to be such an observant child?

“It’s...adult things.”

“What’s adult things?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“But, I wanna understand now.”

“Well… it’s like Tanya and Mao Mao we’re friends.”

“I thought they were already friends.”

“Like… best friends. They used to be best friends-”

“What about Jǐngtì?”

“Okay… uh, think of their relationship as a lot like what we have now. Tanya had the same role as me, and Jǐngtì had the same role as you. They were a happy little group.”

“Then what happened?”

“Something… just did. Jǐngtì did something, Tanya and Mao Mao got into a fight and they … split apart.”

Adorabat looked down at the ground. “Does that mean we’ll split apart, too?”

Badgerclops decided to leave the adult conversations to that cat bastard.

“Why’s Adorabat sad?”

Badgerclops jumped back with an effeminate shriek. “Holy shit, dude! I am ‘this’ close to putting a bell on your ass.”

Mao Mao didn’t even bother to tell Badgerclops to watch his language. He kept his head down preventing Badgerclops from seeing his face. Not that he needed too. The slumped shoulders, low voice, haggard movements told Badgerclops that Mao Mao was miserably drunk and miserably sad.

“You feeling alright,” Badgerclops asked.

“I’m fine,” Mao Mao said, kicking the bones. “These aren’t the King’s I hope.”

“Nah, they’re just bones. I’m thinking they might be a pattern or something.”

Mao Mao thought for a second before running up a pillar to the mezzanine. He rarely climbed, having one arm made it hard. Mao Mao began to slowly scan his eyes, his lips moving quietly while he did it. Was he reading something?

“Hey, whatcha see up there?”

Mao Mao didn’t answer. Badgerclops watched Mao Mao's expression change. He became tense and rigid, teeth ground against each other, his brow furrowed, eyes scowled, and veins popped on his forehead. He was practically foaming at the mouth. He ignored Badgerclops completely, leaping out the window full of piss and vinegar.

“Um, is he okay,” the king asked from the peanut gallery.

Not once in that man’s entire life has he ever been okay. Badgerclops didn’t say that. "Don’t worry. Things should be fine,” he lied.

Badgerclops turned his hand into a helicopter to get to the mezzanine. Adorabat flying up to land on his shoulder soon after. He turned his attention to the bones. Up here they spelled something out. “Beware the monster - Bao Bao”.

“Adorabat go get Tanya,” he said.

“Wha-”

“Go get Tanya,” he repeated more forcefully.

Adorabat finally got the message. She flew out the window, towards home. Badgerclops turned his attention to the kingdom. He needed to find Mao Mao before he ended up killing someone.

#fanfic #Mao Mao #Tanya Keys #Adorabat #King Snugglemane #Badgerclops #MMHOPH #please read the other chapters and show your support.#on Ao3 or here #Feedback is much appreciated

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nerdygaymormon · 5 years ago

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I'm... scared... of your blog. It goes against a whole lot of what I was taught to believe and follow growing up. But, at the same time, I've been hurt deeply by that... doctrine... and I've only just begun to see and understand the extent of that damage. So... what if this is what my wounded and weeping soul has been searching for... since I can't pick up any "official text" without having a violent physical reaction that is drowning in pain and fear? 1/?

I can't even get near a chapel or temple without reacting. And I can't bring myself to confide in any of my local bishopric or ward members. As a result, I've been suffering alone. I know I need therapy because this is some deep, messed up shit, but I have not been able to find a compassionate professional and I'm not want to continue the search. I've neither the funds nor the energy. 2/?

I'm 34yo born and raised in the Church. Three years ago I experienced something that made me question heavily whether Gd still loved me because I for sure felt damned. And that event caused the floodgates to open, I suppose. I've not been active for years due to chronic illness and being treated like some sort of sub-human because of my disability. I used to maintain a current temple recommend but not anymore. 3/?

I think I'm asexual. And the more and more I think about this, the more and more it explains some aspects of me that I thought were broken. (No desire to date as a teen, no feelings of sexual attraction to anyone, confusion about terms like "infatuation" and "crush", confused and disgusted by sex and the world's obsession with it.) But, at the same time, the more and more I grew to like this term, the worse my feeling of being Rejected by Gd became. 4/?

But, even before I adopted the term, I began to feel unwanted and damned because of a history of attempted molestation at 5 years old and being taught that I was 'chewed gum' amongst other doctrines that insisted that my every decision and move was responsible for the sexual purity of the male mind. I felt violated in almost everything that I wore that I felt "pretty" in because I was under the belief I was a walking sin. 5/?

I say I'm scared of your blog... yet I read through several posts last night, body shaking and nauseous with fear and guilt. And here I am, unloading in your askbox because I'm so desperate for someone to talk to who won't judge me like I've been judged all my life. The last time I went to church, I ran out of Sacrament in tears, hyperventilating in my car for several minutes. I have not been back since. 6/?

I want to believe that I'm still loved. I want to believe that I'm still wanted. There is a vicious war going in within me, complicated by chronic and mental illness, that I've lost my sensitivity concerning Gd. I can't tell if or when He's talking to me because the constant anxiety, fear and pain drown out the more 'subtle' emotions. And the maladaptive coping mechanisms I've developed likely don't help either... 7/?

Thank you for listening... if you have anything insightful that you think might help, I'd like to read it. (I hope all these messages stayed anonymous...) 8/8

———————————————————————

Wow, the feels. You said so much. I recognize you’re in a hard place.

—————————

Don’t worry, you managed to stay anonymous. I know when sending multiple asks it’s to forget to push the anon option.

—————————

Congrats on figuring out you are asexual (ace).

I think discovering a lack of something is difficult. There’s all these hints along the way but then once you figure it out, it all makes sense, everything fits.

Don’t be afraid to change your labels. We use words to describe how we understand ourselves. If the way you understand yourself changes, it’s fine to change your labels.

—————————

Having a chronic illness can be difficult, it can take over a life as you organize things around it. Having a disability also can be challenging, especially if it’s one that is visible to others because they often view you as your disability.

The thing is, you have a personality that wants to be displayed, I can tell that just from these messages you sent me. As people spend time with you and get to know you, they will start seeing you and not your disability.

—————————

Things that you described about your feelings and reactions make me believe therapy would help. I’m no mental health professional, but I wonder if you have have the symptoms of PTSD (church caused you trauma) and an anxiety disorder.

If you have insurance that will cover some sessions, look for a provider that takes your insurance. If you don’t, I know that therapy can be expensive.

About 2 years ago I needed to see a therapist and I checked at my local university. They had a psychological services clinic where Ph.D. students could gain experience, so the price was reduced, and my therapy was overseen by professors who are up-to-date in their field.

If you can’t get to therapy now, and if you want to go to church, it helps a lot to have someone you know that can go with you, like a security blanket. It makes it less scary to enter that space.

If you don’t have someone like that, try contacting the missionaries, explain you haven’t been to church in a while but want to come back. They will be so happy to greet you in the lobby and have you sit with them. And if you want, they will introduce you around to others.

—————————

Tbh, I was very surprised at how you describe my blog. I didn’t realize someone would view it the way you did.

It’s true that I think our church is wrong on LGBTQIA+ topics. This is because of a few things:

1) I feel the spirit let me know that God loves me as I am, a gay man, and that I’m not broken. This is how I’m meant to be.

2) What we learn about our Heavenly Parents and how they love us and are fair and just, and they treat us the same and view humankind as alike. I can’t believe they would set up a whole group of their children to fail and not have a path to return to them.

3) Jesus stood with those who were on the margins, He spent time lifting others and taught us that real religion is helping others, especially those who are downtrodden and on the margins.

4) The Church doesn’t show LGBTQIA+ people as a part God’s Plan. The Church doesn’t know what to do with us. And it’s not a good space for queer people so most LGBTQIA+ members leave. This is not good fruit and it’s not what I think God would want, for whole groups of people to not feel welcomed.

I don’t reject the principles of the gospel, I want them to apply to all of us, even me, a gay man, and even you, an asexual woman. We are beautiful, we have a purpose, we deserve to be accepted and have joy.

I guess that is rebellious and dangerous because it challenges the Church’s narrative about people like you and me.

I let people in church tell me terrible things and for so long I believed them. I don’t anymore.

Refusing the shame that church gives us as queer people, that’s radical. Church is supposed to help us be better, not wear us down.

You can love yourself and be happy as ace. This is part of how God made you, you don’t have to deny this is how you experience life.

—————————

What are your goals? What kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your life to be like?

My psychologist used to have me write what I would like my life to be like, and then we made goals to start doing those.

You are capable of change.

This is your life.

God has given you talents. We’re not supposed to hide them under a bushel. Work on developing them and developing yourself.

You are your own longest investment. Investing in yourself is a gift to the world, it’s how we develop ourselves and increases our capacity to help others.

—————————

I hope you feel I understood what you were trying to say to me.

I also hope I gave you some things to think about, to ponder, and figure out what feels right to you.

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kakusu-shipping · 5 years ago

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I’ve been self indulging in rewriting my old Ouran Highschool Host Club Self-Insert for two days now and I’ve decided to write it down cause it’s another one of those Self-Inserts that has a descent story with it.

So, he’s trans, 1. As a child his name was Nanami, and “she” was to be Kyoya’s arranged bride. The two knew each other from Kindergarten and got along decently, as much as you can with cold stone Kyoya. “She” also knew Mitskuni and Takashi at a young age, because “her” parents ran a candy and baked goods company, very large time.

In Early Middle School, 1st year, before Tamaki, Nanami’s family moved to America to widen the business. “She” and Kyoya kept in touch because that’s the kind of guy Kyoya is, and “she” was, at the time, the person he was closest too. The bickered like typical siblings.

In America “She” became He and even adopted an American boy name, Emile! He loved his knew title and, even if his parents weren’t all for it, got top surgery and delved more and more in Sexuality and Gender identity.

With his new identity, he returned to Japan, without his parents, and lived with Kyoya.

(This is where I’m gonna switch to I/we pronouns because it’s a self-insert)

Living with Kyoya was the same, we still bicker like siblings and I call him a perverted old man constantly.

First day back to school everyone’s a buzz about “someone” returning from America. Tamaki is curious and when he’s told it’s a girl, he’s addement about being the first to welcome “her” back to the school.

Kyoya, as the Vice President, and the Class President (who’s a manga only character and I can’t find her name), start the class of welcoming the new student. The Class President is tripped up when she looks at her paper and sees an English name. Unsure how to say it, she pauses, in which Kyoya is instead the one to say my name.

Everyone is, of course, surprised when a boy walks into class and introduces himself as Emile, previously Nanami.

The girls in the class on in an uproar, as we were all previously in the same elementary school, asking if I’m cross dressing. After a brief explanation of what Transgender is, everyone’s cool with it. Tamaki makes a slip here and there for the first day, and continued to get death glares from Kyoya and eventually gets his pencil snapped in half over it.

Tamaki expects to be able to talk over how Kyoya’s acting weird at the club meeting today but, SURPRISE! I’m there too. In fact, Kyoya has a job for me. But first! Presents!

The Twins, who I don’t know and they don’t know me, demand their gifts first. Luckily, Kyoya told me about everyone already, so I have gifts for them and the others I haven’t met.

For the twins, they both get a ball on a string catching game thing, because Kyoya said they like games and commoner toys. They same it’s lame but start playing anyway. (And have it mastered by the next day)

For Hunny next, cause he came asking next, a stuffed bunny with a bag of chocolates!

For Mori (whom I have had the biggest crush on for years), a Woodlen animals of Northern America encyclopedia. Inside the first page is taped a small keychain of a Tanooki.

For Haruhi, based on Kyoya’s recommendation, coupons! Most of them are for food stores that are in both America and Japan. “Kyoya said you like food and saving money!” is the only explanation. Haruhi blames Kyoya.

And finally, for Tamaki, a collection of “Blind Bags” from Walmart. Little Commoner toys where you don’t know what you’ll get till you open them.

Kyoya already got his present, which was a DVD collection of some of the worst American Movies I could find. Bad as in bad jokes. This is Kyoya’s sense of humor.

Now, for my job. I’m not a host. Not good at it, too socially anxious and clumsy and dumb. Instead, Kyoya puts me in charge of serving. In case a host runs out of cakes or tea/coffee, it’s my job to deliver more. I also make the sweets because, you know, bakery family. This, of course, saves money. As Kyoya says.

I wear roller scates and deliver wherever needed, along with check the list to make sure everyone’s at the right tables and on time.

I’m very bad at the “Which one is Hikaru Game”, even without the hats, in a 50/50 chance, I get it wrong 90% of the time. Th boys don’t pick on me too hard though because I’ll almost always beat them to the punch on calling myself stupid. The first time they called me dumb and I agreed with them, Mori got up from his table, took the hat Hikaru wears for the game, hit them both with it, then lightly smacked me over the head, “Don’t call yourself stupid. The game’s rigged.” And left.

Also, I wanna say right now, Hunny and Kyoya are the same level of intelligence, and have the same sense of humor when it comes to messing with people. So, as they know Mori and I like eachother, they’re getting in the way of that. Just enough to make it fun.

One time, after being mistaken for a girl a lot in one day, I was doing the dishes in the kitchen area of the club room, and Mori came in to try and cheer me up. As he was doing this, outside the room, Kyoya and Hunny were playing Rock-Paper-Scissors to decide who gets to go in and break it up.

Haruhi’s class went to Kyoto to see Temples because, you know, the class likes to do commoner things. And OBVIOUSLY Tamaki drags the rest of us along because Haruhi cannot go anywhere without him.

We rented three rooms, becuase Tamaki thought it’s a part of the trip to share rooms with friends. Kyoya suggested I take the third room alone, but I don’t like sleeping by myself. Mori presents sticks in his hand, whoever gets sticks of matching numbers share rooms.

Mori... Isn’t a very smart man, but still tried to rig it. He placed the 2 stick in front of himself and Me so we’d pick the same room, and the 1 stick in front of Hunny and Tamaki so they’d share a room. Seemed simple. But OH NO. After I picked the 2 stick Mori planned for me, Kyoya went next and immediately reached for the stick in front of Mori. You could see the immediate panic on Mori’s face, and while it would be funny to ruin Mori’s carefully thought out plan, Hunny shook his head to tell him no. So he took Tamaki’s instead.

We ended up swapping rooms the second night anyway because Hunny and Kyoya thought that’d be more fun, and Tamaki kept complaining about being in a room alone.

Also on this trip we went to The Kiyomizu-Dera temple and learned about the old “leap of faith” myth. The tour guide asked us what our wish would be, and we both wished to cure all illness. We immedetly started talking how sense we have the same wish, only one of us as to jump to get it, but Kyoya came over to tell us if we BOTH jump, it raises our chances of getting a wish by 50%. We did the math and that’s like!!! 100% chance of getting our wish granted!!!

They twins had to physically restraint Tamaki from jumping, while Mori simply picked me up. Kyoya thought it was funny. Haruhi was very tired.

Also while we were there I followed a bird halfway across town while no one was looking like a toddler and called Kyoya crying because I was lost and couldn’t see the temple. Luckily he puts GPS tracking on everyone’s phones and was able to find me.

Haruhi asked me once to explain LGBT+ to her, because her father is a Trans woman and she doesn’t fully understand that. He still goes by he/him pronouns and Father because he doesn’t want to try and replace Haruhi’s mom, obviously.

So one day after school I got to her house with all my reference books to talk to her about it while her dad’s out. And, of course, we can’t have a meeting on our own, the rest of the club tags along.

After talking about Gender, we also talk about Sexuality. I use my own Asexual as an example, then the fact Kyoya’s Bi and Tamaki is Pan. Except. Tamaki doesn’t know what Pansexual means, so I have to explain and he agrees.

After also proclaiming Karou as Bi, Hikaru is immediately confused because not even he knew this?? Karou came out to me because he also didn’t know much about LGBT and wanted to explore himself more. Hikaru asks me if he’s Bi too and I tell him I can’t speak for other people. “But you spoke for Tamaki!!” “Kyoya gave me permission to speak for Tamaki because he would have never figured it out on his own.”

We figure out in this meeting Hunny is the only Straight in the entire group. He’s also the only one currently dating anyone.

Haruhi reflects on the Non-Binary parts of the conversation and asks to barrow a couple of books.

At the end of this long self insert story thing, I’ll put that, like other Self-Inserts, I latched onto ships that are canon in this universe, unless I meet other Self-Shippers of this Fandom.

Me - Mori.

Hunny - Reiko

Kyoya - Tamaki

Haruhi - Ritsu

I know Haruhi and Tamaki are the canon ending of the manga, which is my favorite manga btw, but I love Kasanoda too much. He’s very cute and while he DOES get a happy ending in the manga as well I just... I just want him and Haruhi to be happy.

#oskgodkfogdo #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #This is way longer then I expected it to be I'm sorry to anyone who reads this!!!!#Mori #OHSHC Self-Insert #Please read the Ouran manga it's very good #Extras:#I call Kyoya 'Kyo-Kyo' and he hates it #In Tamaki's Family image of us I fall into baby brother #Though the Twins disagree and say I'm more like the dumb dog they found on the side of the road #Sometimes compairable to spesifically 'Mommy's' dumb-ass lap dog #To get revenge on Kyoya once I took a picture of his messy sleeping face and posted it to the Host Club page #He then proceeded to show all of the club members (spesifically Mori) his photo album listed 'Emile's Crying Faces'#I cry a lot over dumb things #I called Tamaki daddy once without paying attention and everyone but him hated it #Mori and I's first kiss was in the school's rose maze after I got lost and then proceeded to fall out of a tree trying to find a way out #I run when excited and will fall every time #Kyoya has most of my ticks by memory at this point #Example; The first time I met Kasanoda was in club #and I bounce when excited #I was wearing rollar scates at the time #so as Kyoya was explaining who Kasanoda was to me he also made me sit down so I could bounc in a chair without falling #Mori is still learning these ticks but is luckily fast acting #I connect Mori with Tanooki's and have so ever sense we were kids #The first time I was invited to Mori's Birthday Party I got him a plush Tanooki and his dad laughed saying his son wouldn't like it #Suprise tho he still has it and it rests on his bed #On Christmas everyone did a gift echange one year and everyone kept trading with me so they could give a spesific person a gift #I eventually ended up with Hunny #who got Kyoya and came to me begging for advice on what to get him #I relieved Kyoya's horrible taste in movies and immediately got in trouble

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justalittlelitnerd · 6 years ago

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The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee

You deserve to be here. You deserve to exist. You deserve to take up space in this world of men

Also: Felicity Montague, you are a cactus.

This book is the feminist anthem you didn’t know you needed. Actually, no, scratch that it’s the human rights (and sometime even animal rights) anthem you didn’t know you needed. It tackles race, religion, sexuality, gender, and probably any other slightly controversial topic under the sun.

It is unabashed and recognizes flaws within arguments and defenses and it doesn’t try to say one way of life or being is better than another but they all simply deserve to exist.

If that isn’t enough to compel you maybe the fact that it is set in England (actually all over Europe really) back in the olden days (honest to God can’t remember what time period but the aforementioned petticoats probably gives you a clue) with pirates and sea dragons (it’s not as mystical as it sounds but still slightly magical) will be enough to compel you to pick up this book. Because you should. Like right now.

It’s hard to be raised in a world where you’re taught to always believe what men say without doubting yourself at every step.

So I loved the first book in this series (The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue) and was super excited when I heard there would be one focusing on Felicity because I wanted more from her character. However, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t apprehensive because all too often the sequel is not as good as the original.

I’m pleased to report that, in my opinion, is not the case here. The Lady’s Guide is every bit as funny and poignant and socially relevant as The Gentleman’s Guide, in fact, it felt even more relevant to me as a woman who could identify strongly with Felicity’s character. But don’t worry there’s still plenty of Monty and Percy present in the story.

I have learned that men respond best to nonthreatening women whose presence and space in the world does not somehow imperil their manhood, and so, as much as it pains me, I put on a smile so big it hurts my face and try to think like Monty, which is infuriating.

My favorite part of this novel is that Lee resists the urge to submit Felicity to the standard YA Romance storyline. That may have been what gave me the most apprehensive since the first novel implied that she was asexual, or at the very least more interested in her career than a marriage, and I was worried that having a story strictly about her would make Lee feel pressured to give her a romance. I will admit at times it felt like it was going to fall into that trap, but then it would turn around to show how it was just Felicity feeling the pressures of society.

When stripped of the illegalities and the Biblical condemnation, their [Monty and Percy’s] attraction is no stranger to me than anyone’s attraction to anyone.

The Lady’s Guide picks up about a year after the end of The Gentleman’s Guide with Felicity in Edinburgh working at a bakery trying to appeal to various hospitals and school to allow her entrance to no avail.

A year of men telling me I am incapable of this work only gives my pride a more savage edge, and I feel, for the first time in so many long, cold, discouraging months, that I am as clever and capable and fit for the medical profession as any of the men who have denied me a place in it.

The tipping point is when the man at the bakery who has helped her for the last year decides it is time to propose. This sends Felicity into a sort of tailspin because she’s not willing to give up on her dream yet but everyone around her is telling her she should settle down and be married and she’s starting to wonder if they are right.

Which gave him the idea that men often get in their heads when a woman pays some kind of attention to them: that it was a sign I want him to smash his mouth -- and possibly other body parts -- against mine. Which I do not.

She makes the impulsive decision to travel to London to see Monty and Percy and appeal to medical boards there to grant her admission. However, once again she is denied and practically laughed out of the room for her ideas of becoming a doctor.

“You’re so determined to become a lady doctor then,” he says. “No, sir,” I reply, “I’m determined to become a doctor. The matter of my sex I would prefer to be incidental rather than an amendment.”

Their exclusionary policies rest entirely on the fragility of their own masculinity, but it doesn’t matter because they’re men and I’m a woman so it’s not even going to be a fight and it was never going to be a fight.

But this time one of the doctors recommends she reach out to Doctor Alexander Platt for mentorship which through a series of events leads her to befriending a Black Muslim Hijabi pirate named Sim and going off on a new adventure. Along the way, she encounters an old friend which brings to the forefront the intricacies of feminism. Because really that is what this book is all about in the end. Three women all fighting for their place in this world of men who try to tell them their only place is in the household.

He has me apologizing for asking for the minimum that is granted to most men.

It turns out that Platt is set to wed Felicity’s childhood friend, Johanna, which she decides to use to get a meeting with him. However, it’s revealed that Felicity and Johanna had a falling out over their differing views on femininity and what it means to be a strong woman.

You stopped taking me seriously when I stopped being the kind of woman you thought I had to be to be considered intelligent and strong. All those things you say make men take women less seriously -- I don’t think it’s men; it’s you. You’re not better than any other woman because you like philosophy better than parties and don’t give a fig about the company of gentlemen, or because you wear boots instead of heels and don’t set your hair in curls.

Johanna is still strong and intelligent and independent and she likes wearing dresses and makeup and heels and flirting with boys and those things are not incompatible, but a lot of times it’s a sticking point in feminism. Somewhere along the way there became this belief (which Felicity believes) that to be a feminist, to be strong woman standing up to men, you couldn’t also be traditionally feminine. It takes almost the whole novel for Felicity to realize that Johanna is not any less strong and intelligent because she subscribes to traditional gender roles/beauty standards and it takes her even longer to be willing to admit she is wrong.

I have spent so long building up my fortress and learning to tend it alone, because if I didn’t feel I needed anyone, then I wouldn’t miss them if they weren’t there. I couldn’t be neglected if I was everything to myself. But now, those fortifications suddenly feel like prison walls, high and barbed and impossible to cross.

To be honest the relationships formed between and the battles waged by Sim, Felicity, and Johanna are more than enough reason to read this novel. But Lee decides to make it even better by throwing in scientific discoveries, men stealing women’s credit, danger, and a fight on the open seas reminiscent of any pirate movie.

It’s not hopelessness, it’s just pure stubbornness. Not even so much a will to live as a refusal to die. Not yet, not now, not here, not when we have so much left to do. There isn’t a goddamned chance I’m dying on this rig.

It turns out that before she died, Johanna’s mom discovered a new species with Platt that honestly sound like sea monsters, something half dragon half snake like? And that the scales of these sea dragons can be used as drugs (both medicinally and recreationally). Platt wants to exploit the dragons while Sim’s family has sworn to protect them at all costs. The women band together to plot against both Platt’s exploitations and Sim’s father’s stubbornness against progression.

Everyone has heard stories of women like us -- cautionary tales, morality plays, warnings of what will befall you if you are a girl too wild for the world, a girl who asks too many questions or wants too much. If you set off into the world alone. Everyone has heard stories of women like us, and now we will make more of them.

Of course, they succeed in both tasks and along the way decide maybe they should get their own ship and go on their own research voyages including exploring more about the sea dragons.

I am filled suddenly by that wanting, to know things, to understand the world, to feel myself in it.

In the company of women like this -- sharp-edged as raw diamonds but with soft hands and hearts, not strong in spite of anything but powerful because of everything -- I feel invincible. Every chink and rut and battering wind has made us tough and brave and impossible to strike down. We are mountains -- or perhaps temples, with foundations that could outlast time itself.

I know this was a long review filled with an overabundance of quotes, but I hope that just shows how good this book is. I read it a month ago and am just now writing this and still find myself remembering it vividly despite the fact that I’ve read maybe 5 books since then. So do me, and yourself, a favor and go out to read this book (I’m even okay if you skip the first one though I promise you’ll regret it if you do).

You are Felicity Montague, I tell myself, and the darkness, and my heartbeat, in an attempt to rein it in. You have climbed through catacombs darker than this, you escaped from a second-story window with only your bedsheets, and you should not be frightened of the darkness, but instead be sure that the most frightening thing in it is you.

Bonus:

- The chairman tosses his cloak over his shoulders and gives me a smile that he likely thinks is kind, but is, in fact the smirk of a man about to explain something to a woman that she already knows.

- Humans have instincts specifically for situations like this. Everything in me is saying there is danger lurking in this forest, eyes bright and hungry through the dark.

- Below is an unhelpful drop to the street -- no footholds, ledges, or loose bricks promised by every fiction book I have ever read. Not even a convenient hedge to drop into.

- Charming is not a word I’d use -- or ever want used -- to describe me, but the way she says it prickles me. It’s the sort of thing I feel entitled to say disparagingly about myself, but from someone else, it feels blunt and unkind.

- Zounds, does this fool actually think he’s saving me? Another storybook hero to swoop in and rescue a girl from a dragon or a monster or herself -- they’re all the same. A woman must be protected, must be sheltered, must be kept from the winds that would batter her into the earth.

- I can do more than memorize maps of vessels and arteries and bones; I can solve the puzzle of what to do when those pieces come apart. I can write my own treaties. I am a girl of steady hands, stout heart, and every book I have ever read.

#read Jan 24 2019 #the lady's guide to petticoats and piracy #mackenzi lee #the gentleman's guide to vice and virtue #books #booklr #book blog #book quotes #monty and percy #felicity montague #feminism #strong female leads #strong female characters #fight against the patriarchy #then and now #felicity montague you are a cactus

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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years ago

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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turnabouttoothbrush · 8 years ago

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The Seduction of Dr. Hal Emmerich

SURPRISE NI🅱️🅱️AS IT’S MORE METAL GEAR

So just to make things clear-

This fic isn’t actually that bad. No, seriously. It’s another one of those fics that is, as a whole, actually pretty good, and mostly ends up on here because there are a fe~w miiiiinor things that nudge it away from ‘I read this to enjoy it’ to ‘I read this to laugh at it’. In this particular fic’s case, it’s because of general awkwardness and a count that you’ll be seeing in a bit.

Also, y’all already knew that I’m an Otaliquid shipper and oh yeah I’ve actually written the pairing before. This author and I have something in common with this pairing in that this fic isn’t(!) a rapefic.

I know! Consensual Otaliquid! It’s a miracle!

Anyway, let’s get started.

Since the takeover of Shadow Moses Island, Dr. Hal Emmerich had been in a state of shock. Constantly guarded, there was little he could do, but pray and keep working like he was told to. The only light in this dark was Sniper Wolf. She was a vision of beauty, strong and confident. Her visits were the only thing keeping him from falling apart, but they were becoming fewer as time passed.

Canon straight pairings are always a good way to start a slashfic!

He was brought food and allowed to wash and rest, but it was little comfort. He would find himself wondering if one of the guards would come in at any moment and just take him out with a blast of gunfire. That was a fear he could not shake off. They were violent people, but it was worse because there was a bigger agenda going on. One that would be catastrophic if these people were successful. Hal's eyes went blurry on the computer screen and he sighed, taking his glasses off to clean the lenses on his shirt.

Thereby only making them dirtier.

I wish I could wear contacts lol

He stood to get some coffee, feeling like a zombie as he slid them back on his face. He was exhausted, physically and mentally. The strain was taking it's toll, but he was trying to stay as strong as he possibly could, situation being as it was. He poured a cup and brought it to his lips, blowing soft before he took a sip. He grimaced at the bitter taste, but drank more anyway. He needed to stay awake, and he never knew when they would come in to take him to a room to sleep.

Boy it sure would suck if they let him go to bed right after he just drank like nine cups of coffee so he just lies there totally wired all night instead of sleeping

He took the handkerchief from his pocket and looked at it with soft eyes. He put the silken cloth to his nose, smelling her scent.

It was a token from Sniper Wolf, but he was smart enough to know she didn't have feelings for him. Smart as he was, he still had his fantasy. He closed his eyes, brushing the soft cloth against his stubble rough cheek. If only they had met in a different circumstance.

Probably still wouldn’t have worked out. You guys have no idea how hard I’m resisting the temptation to post more Hiimdaisy caps.

“What about me?” “What about you?”

Hal heard the familiar hiss of the lab door opening and he jerked, stuffing the handkerchief back into his pocket hastily. He kept his back turned and went back to drinking the coffee, gulping it down. The guard said nothing, but he heard the boots thumping across the floor toward him. It wasn't her, the footfalls were much too heavy.

*insert joke about a woman’s weight here*

"How are we doing, Dr. Emmerich?" the voice asked smoothly behind him. Hal dropped his cup when he recognized the voice as that of Liquid Snake. Coffee splashed the counter and broken pieces of the cup slid and fell to the floor. The reaction was probably over the top, but he had not gotten a visit from the man since the takeover. Maybe he was of no more use and was going to be killed after all. "I'm..a... "Clumsy," Liquid said and chuckled soft.

Oh yeah, there’s also this strangely recurring issue of adverbs not having -ly at the end of them. It throws me off every time.

"I suppose." He grabbed up the paper towel and started to quickly sop up the mess, trying his best to keep his hands from shaking. "Leave it," Liquid ordered, voice not sharp, but firm enough that Hal froze his desperate cleaning.

It’s gonna stain moron

Hal stood still, not sure what to do. He was resistant on turning to face the man. He didn't want him to see the fear in his eyes. Yes, he was terrified to the point of his stomach knotting and feeling slightly ill. Liquid's arms came around his body and he jerked, biting back a yelp. A light chuckle started behind him as Liquid's hands went about grabbing another cup and pouring more coffee.

All I can think about is the improv routine where Person A puts their hands under Person B’s armpits and performs tasks in front of them while Person B sits still, commentates and generally acts like Person A’s arms are theirs, or alternately Person A has to keep up with what Person B says they’re doing.

youtube

Which is funny and all but I don’t think it’s a good prelude for seduction. But then again, what do I know? And what does Liquid know, for that matter?

"There you are." Liquid offered the filled cup. "Th..thank you." Hal took it and held his breath until Liquid's arms moved back.

Also, was Otacon just, like, chilling in front of the coffee machine or what?

"You're a very nervous man," Liquid said as he moved further away to look at the computer screen. "Do I frighten you?" "No...not at all." "You're not a very good liar." He chuckled and leaned against the desk. "Turn around."

Hal swallowed and turned, eyes focusing on the man he wished would just leave the room. Something about his presence obviously made him feel on edge, but it was of the unknown. It was like he was playing a game of some kind, and only he knew the rules.

Seduce cute engineer

Get laid

Don’t piss off high-strung asexual teammate in the process

Nukes

???

$1,000,000,000

He took a drink of the coffee and the bitter taste escaped him this time. "Are you here to kill me?" He was proud that his voice didn't waver, but when Liquid only answered with a smirk, his hand shook, splashing more coffee on the floor. "Are you?!" "You have a brilliant mind. It would be such a waste to kill you."

Coming on strong there eh buddy

Moving in for the kill

Metaphorically

"Brilliant mind that's easy to manipulate," he said softly and sat the cup down with a sigh. In truth if he had known what they had planned for Metal Gear REX, he never would have created it. This whole thing had turned into a nightmare. He looked toward Liquid and moved over to a chair to sit down. He didn't trust his legs to keep him upright for much longer. He rubbed his temple, feeling the beginning of a headache coming on.

Is that not just the natural result of spending longer than two minutes in a room with Liquid?

I mean damn he’s my One True Video Game Husband™ and all but he is kind of... like that

Also, these jokes basically write themselves...

"Stressed?" Hal barked a nervous laugh. "Oh, what do I have to be stressed about?" Liquid smirked. "There are several ways to relieve stress. Drinking, smoking, having a nice bath, or swim."

*Swimming is not recommended in Alaska in February

Also, Liquid just smirked for the second time in only a couple paragraphs. Which brings up to our count earlier:

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: ||

He took a seat and put his feet up on the desk.

Rude.

"Or, you could have a nice hard fuck."

RUDE!

Hal looked away quickly, his face burning when Liquid laughed. This was definitely getting bizarre. Liquid had not physically hurt him yet, but just the tone of his voice was making his skin crawl. Hal avoided looking his way, keeping his eyes focused on the door. "Going to make a run for it?" Liquid asked. "I don't have anywhere to run to." "No, but it would be fun to chase you down. A little break from the mundane." He tapped his fingers on the desk, smirking when Hal squirmed in his seat. "Want to make a go for it?"

I think he’s bored.

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: |||

"No, I'd rather not play your game," Hal said, listening to the tapping of his fingers. The longer he sat there, the more his nerves were put on edge. He was being tormented, all because this mad man was bored.

Does it still count as pre-empting if I’ve read the fic before? I mean, it’s not like I remember much of it, last time I read it was a while ago. I uhhh kinda have a really shit memory.

"What is that in your pocket?" Liquid asked, fingers thumping away. "What?"

(Liquid Snake voice) Is it a calculator or are you just happy to see me?

"You heard me. Don't act stupid. I saw you stuffing something in your pocket when I came in. Are you hiding something from me?" "It's just a handkerchief."

(Liquid Snake voice) Alright, is it a handkerchief or are you just happy to see me?

Liquid chuckled. "Let me see it." Hal took it from his pocket with a soft sigh. He expected Liquid would take it away from him, just out of spite. The man looked at the cloth in his hand and laughed, head going back, hand pounding on the desk. Hal stuffed it back in his pocket, face burning, disturbed by his reaction. God, he just wanted him to leave.

Seems like the seduction is going well!

He looked down at his feet, and the laughter continued. "Why is it so funny?" he finally mustered enough courage to ask. "Oh..," he chuckled, "that is cute." "What?" Hal looked up at him, and saw he had put his feet back on the floor and was sitting straighter in the chair. "Sniper Wolf is leading you on, Dr. Emmerich." "She's not.." "Oh, you poor thing."

I will say this, though: it’s actually really nice to read a slashfic that actually acknowledges the straight canon pairing(s). There are way, way too many that just pretend they don’t exist, or try to excuse them away, or something - I guess because the authors are so attached to their gay male leads that they don’t want to admit that the character in question would actually be bisexual.

Because, no matter what tumblr will try to tell you, slash fanfiction was, is, and probably always will be primarily written by straight girls who like to fetishize gay men. :))))

"I'm not a fool. She's...just being nice to me. That's more than I can say for the rest of you monsters." "Monsters, are we?" Hal averted his eyes. "Yes." "Such a harsh judge of character," Liquid said with a soft chuckle. "This coming from a man that ruined his own family."

Liquid right now:

Hal looked sharply at him. "What do you mean?" "I know about your past, Dr. Emmerich. The little affair with step mommy and daddy taking the last plunge in the pool." "Shut up!" "And little sister nearly drowning too. Nice touch there." "Stop it!"

Liquid smirked soft

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: ||||

Aaaaand an adverb error again.

and stood up from the chair, watching Hal with calculating eyes. Hal looked down at his hands, clasping them together to keep them from trembling, his knuckles white they were clenched so tight. He hated thinking about that part of his life, and to know this man knew it made him feel dirty.

Could be worse. This could have been written after TPP came out and Liquid could have started making Neon Genesis Evangelion jokes.

(source)

His heart was thudding hard in his chest, and he felt much too warm. He just wanted to sleep to escape this for a short time at least. "We all have our skeletons. Don't you agree, Dr. Emmerich?" His voice was soft and luring, pulling Hal's attention. The scientist looked at him, expression tepid. "I make it a priority to dig into the pasts of my enemies and prisoners alike. Don't feel so violated. Yours is tame compared to most."

“For instance, underaged Sahelanthropus piloting. We’ve all been there.”

"Wow, that makes me feel so much better," he whispered and looked away again. "You don't sound very convincing, Dr. May I call you Hal?"

Dr. May I call you Hal? That’s an interesting name!

I’m sorry :’(

"Do what you want," Hal whispered again, too busy looking at his hands to see the pleased smirk touch Liquid's lips.

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: ||||

"Get up." "Wh..what?" Hal looked up. "Up....Stand up." Hal swallowed and stood, fear trickling back ten fold, anger forgotten. Liquid watched him move, arms folded over his chest. He felt so damn vulnerable under his gaze. He looked away to stare at his coffee cup, jerking soft

-ly! -ly! I know your L and Y keys aren’t broken, author!

when Liquid made an amused sound. "I think you need something stronger than coffee, Hal. Come with me. I got something that will help you relax."

“Horse tranquilizers.”

"No, I.." "Come with me." Hal closed his eyes and nodded. "Alright."

WHAT

COULD

POSSIBLY

WRONG?

Well, actually, things work out pretty nicely, all things considered. Okayyyy, so maaaaybe this fic is a li~ttle bit on the dubcon side, but...

The last thing he wanted to do was piss this guy off. Hal didn't have a chance in a hand to hand fight. He looked at Liquid, just noting that he had no gun with him. The only weapon in sight was a knife he had sheathed and strapped to his belt. He took a deep breath. "I'll come with you." Liquid smirked

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: |||| |

and waved him along as he walked to the door. They exited the lab, passing several heavily armed soldiers patrolling the halls. Hal stayed alert, trying to get more of a sense on the situation. It didn't look good. He wondered if help would come, and if it did, would they be able to make it past all the guards and alarms. It seemed impossible to him, but he was just a man, not a soldier.

Yeah but you do have the stealth camouflage, dude, just a thought

They walked the halls and even moved outside to head to another building, leaving the lab so far behind that Hal began to get increasingly nervous again. He pulled his lab coat tighter around himself as the frigid wind whipped around them, snow flakes blowing across the ground. Liquid led him back inside, nodding to a few more patrolmen as he walked along. When they finally got to a door that Liquid unlocked, Hal was starting to regret his decision to be so accommodating. He was ushered inside the room, the door shut behind them, the sound of it like finality. "This is where I've been staying," Liquid said absently, walking over to the desk to pick up a bottle of whiskey.

Whiskey’s not a good idea immediately after you froze him half to death, man. Get him some more coffee motherfucking hot chocolate, the kind with cinnamon and cloves an’ shit.

...I’m thirsty and there are a lot of Columbians in my area, okay?

"Oh," was all Hal managed as he looked at the sparse room that only had the desk, one chair and a bed. It wasn't much different than the living quarters he had here, but this room was bigger, the bed a little nicer. He heard Liquid pouring a drink and looked over as the man turned. "This will warm you up," Liquid said

Nooooooooooo

and stepped over, handing over the glass. "Sorry, no ice." "Oh, thank you." He took the offered whiskey and sipped it. "Come on, take a big swig of it," Liquid said and smirked.

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: |||| ||

Hal's hand shook and he tossed the fiery drink back, his throat burning as it slid down. He coughed and gasped, eyes watering from the strength of it. It was obvious he wasn't used to alcohol, except for the occasional wine or bottle of beer. God, this stuff was like drinking gasoline.

I can’t tell if this is just a general reaction to drinking something really strong when you’re not used to it, or Liquid just has shit taste and drinks the cheapest, worst-tasting whiskey he can get his hands on. It could be both, I guess. Both seem likely.

Liquid laughed and slapped his back. "Can't take it, Hal?" "I...*cough*..

Nope.

Not how writing works.

I'm not much of a drinker." "You get used to it," Liquid said and poured him another. "No, really, I don't want more." "Drink, and sit down." Hal nodded and moved to go for the chair but Liquid shook his head and pointed at the bed. "There." Hal opened his mouth to protest, but thought better and moved to the bed, sitting on the edge. He took another drink, this one not going down any easier as he coughed again with the burning sensation. One thing was true, he was feeling warmer from the ghastly stuff. Liquid drank straight from the bottle,

I could actually see him doing that, though... he didn’t exactly have a high-class upbringing...

eyes not leaving Hal. He cleared his throat and straightened his glasses. He wondered if a deer frozen in the path of oncoming headlights felt this way. "You really are a skittish man," Liquid said, taking another swig, drinking the whiskey like water. "Sorry, I'm not used to such brutality around me." He took another drink, fighting the urge to squirm under his gaze. Liquid grunted soft

and walked over, plopping down beside him, making the mattress shift. Hal bit back a gasp, staring straight ahead and drinking the rest of the contents in his glass. He shivered as the whiskey went down, the burning sensation not as harsh this time. Perhaps it was starting to have a numbing affect. "We look at things differently, Hal. What you call brutality, I call necessity." "I won't try to understand your way of thinking." "That's probably best," he said, filling the glass Hal held loosely in his hand. "Drink," he urged softly.

The second and last time the author actually uses the adverb correctly!

They fuck it up more often than they get it right!

Hal relented, drinking as he ordered. The quicker he got this done, the quicker Liquid would let him go back to the lab, or off to go sleep if he was really lucky.

You’re kind of slow, aren’t you, dear?

He swallowed the last bit and blinked, feeling the start of a drunken buzz fill his head. Liquid saw it as much as Hal felt it. "Mm, lightweight as well." He took the glass from Hal's fingers and set it, along with the bottle, on the floor.

Because that’s always a good idea.

Did anyone ever clean up that coffee spill in the lab?

"I should get back," Hal muttered. Liquid chuckled. "That's cute. I could tell you would be fun." Hal blinked, looking at him. "Fun?" He put his hand to his head. "All I am is a little drunk." "Like I said, cute." Liquid's fingers touched Hal's cheek. "Wha.." Hal jerked soft,

the fogginess of his brain taking a moment to realize what Liquid had in mind. "I really..need to go." He tried to stand, but felt the tight grip of Liquid's hand around his wrist and was yanked back down on his ass. "No, no. You're going to keep me company." "Can't you get one of your people to spend time with you?" he asked, voice shaking. "I make it a rule to never fuck my subordinates," Liquid said, leaning closer.

...has this come up before?

Hal turned his head, then felt the touch of his lips against his neck. The slick feel of his tongue followed, the muscle swirling and teasing his flesh in such a way that he whimpered as it brushed skillfully. It enticed a breathy chuckle from the man who was taking control of his body with such ease. He was still scared, he couldn't deny that, but his touch was having a luring affect on his senses. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was his own weakness. He had been seduced before. No, he wouldn't think about his past and compare it to this.

Yeah I mean at least they’re both adults here ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

He'd never been with a man before, but somehow that didn't matter. Only the sensations did. Liquid put a hand to his cheek and forced him to turn his head. The man smirked, then moved forward to capture Hal's mouth with a strong kiss, his tongue parted and penetrating his lips.

I like the tense error implying that Liquid’s tongue itself parted.

I mean, I guess he is a Snake, so a forked tongue is only appropriate...

Also,

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: |||| |||

Hal could taste the whiskey on the tongue that thrust and explored in his mouth. He was getting to like the taste now,

A ELLA ÉL LE GUSTA LA GASOLINA

his own tongue eagerly moving and rolling around it. His hands clamped onto Liquid's strong shoulders, panting harshly as the kiss deepened further, their teeth clashing with the force of it. It was too damn hot in the room. Hal tried to shoulder his lab coat off and got some help from Liquid. He chuckled into the kiss and helped him along, yanking it down his arms with such force that Hal heard the soft sound of torn threads

Hopefully he has another coat lying around somewhere? lol

over his own needy moans. The kiss broke with an audible pop as Liquid pushed Hal back on the bed and moved quick to straddle over his waist to trap his prey. "Well, this is a pleasant turn of events," Liquid said above him. "Here I thought I would have to force you." "I.." "I do prefer a willing partner,"

*insert bitching about rapist!Liquid here*

Liquid continued over him, stripping his shirt off to reveal packed muscle and skin that was covered with several scars from long ago battles. "You want me, yes?" Liquid smirked.

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: |||| ||||

Hal's face burned. "Yes," he whispered, looking away from Liquid's smug expression.

Can you believe I don’t have a smug animé girl edited to look like Liquid Snake lying around? Here, take this instead.

Close enough

"Mm, you are going to give me a lot of pleasure," his voice purred as his hand ran over Hal's shirt, thumb flicking open the buttons as he went.

Have these authors ever actually tried to unbutton clothes with just a finger? It’s like... not really a thing you can do. (Cue someone submitting a video of them doing to my inbox.)

Also, Liquid, honey, that’s not really a good line. You’re gonna kill the mood.

"Please, don't hurt me," Hal said, shivering with renewed arousal as Liquid's fingertips brushed over his exposed chest. "Oh, it might hurt here and there." Hal's eyes widened. Liquid smirked.

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli: |||| ||||

"But you'll love it." He proved his statement by pinching Hal's nipples

I HATE THAT WORD

between thumbs and forefingers, twisting and tugging them until Hal was squirming and gasping. Hal felt his lower body responding, his cock jerking while it stiffened hard against the inside of his pants as his nipples were deliciously abused. He gasped harder when the heat of Liquid's tongue toyed over the point of one stiffened nub,

BUT THAT ONE’S WORSE

the other still being tortured with practiced fingers. Hal flushed as he looked down and met Liquid's upturned eyes. He suckled languidly over the nub, his teeth joined in the play, scraping the sensitive flesh.

Honestly, I don’t think the English language really has a way to make nipple-play not sound totally stupid.

Hal yelped and slapped a hand over his mouth, blushing deeper. Liquid pulled off the nipple and grinned. "Oh, a screamer. My favorite." "No, I..." Hal squirmed when Liquid's knee ran up between his legs and over the bulge in his pants. "Ahh." "Worried the guards will hear you, hm?" "Ahh....Did you have to mention that?" "How far is this blush going?" Liquid rasped,

Baby what the shit are you even saying

I like how, even in a fic where he’s supposed to be all suave and seductive, Liquid still can’t talk like a goshdamn normal fucking person. It’s canon.

hand moving to Hal's belt to unfasten. Before Hal knew it, his lower half was stripped. Liquid licked his lips and lowered back down, hand gripping the base of Hal's cock. He groaned, even before his lips wrapped around the head of his swollen member. He bit his lip, hands gripping the sheets beneath his body. The mixture of booze and sensations made his head spin, causing him lose his sense of modesty. He moaned out, hips pumping to the pleasure. It had been so long since he had felt something so personal, so good. Rough hands pushed his legs apart, shocking him enough to freeze his wanting gyrations. He looked down, panting heavy, whimpering when he watched Liquid pull his mouth from his cock to smirk.

Wipe That Look Off Your Face, Eli, And Get Back On His Dick And Finish What You Started: |||| |||| |

He didn't want him to stop, but he didn't beg. He already felt weak enough for being lured into this. Liquid shifted, the leather of his belt creaking as he moved up. Hal watched him, breathing still hectic, heart pounding. Liquid pressed two fingers to his lips. "Suck." "Mn." Hal's lips parted hesitantly at first. The fingers slid in and he rolled his tongue over them, sucking and wetting the digits. He liked the way Liquid's eyes lidded and the pleased groans he made.

...from getting his fingers sucked?

I mean I totally get that it’s hot and all, but boy that’s weak as hell.

"That's good." Liquid pulled his fingers from his mouth. "Keep your legs open," he growled soft.

LY!!!!!!!!

Hal shuddered when his hand lowered, the wet fingers tracing over his throbbing cock and teasing at his balls before going further. His first instinct was to do what Liquid warned him not to; put his legs together. His thighs trembled and he made another soft, whimpering sound. The saliva slick fingers slide between his cheeks and pressed against his opening. It was a strange, uncomfortable feeling. Yet, his cock jerked when a deeper lust rippled through his body. The fingers pushed past the resistant ring of muscle. "Oh God..it...." The fingers rolled roughly. "Hurts!" "Relax, I haven't gotten to the good part yet," Liquid said and chuckled harshly.

Chuckled... harshly.

...

"Mn." Hal turned his head against the pillow, eyes closed tight. He groaned, fighting to make his lower body relax to the intrusion. The digits thrusts and rolled, scissored and stretched his insides until he was shivering and dripping with perspiration. The pain was still there, but subsided slowly the longer he was toyed with. He turned his head back to look at Liquid with eyes that begged for more. "How does this feel?" His fingers shifted inside, pressing that most inner spot. "AH!" Pleasure like he had never felt before took over his lower region as Liquid fondled his prostate with skillful fingers.

Hal Learns What Prostate Play Is

I’m still like 90% sure that Julie pegged him, though.

Maybe she was just really bad at it.

His legs shook, his back arched, hips rising to open himself more to Liquid's will. "Not shy anymore, I see," Liquid said, the bed creaking as he shifted around, fingers still delving and working his tunnel.

His other hand working his belt open, nimble fingers popping the button and yanking down the zipper. Hal watched him, breath hitching. "Wa..wait.." "Never tell an aroused man to wait, Hal." Liquid pulled his fingers free and rid himself of his pants and boxers with a rough yank to let them hang at his knees, not bothering to even take his boots off. He's actually going to fuck me with that! Hal stared at Liquid's cock.

*crosses fingers* Please don’t be twelve inches long, please don’t be twelve inches long, please don’t be twelve inches long...

It wasn't huge, but neither was it small. No, not by any means. He couldn't take his eyes away, exploring the veins and the head that was reddish in color from the state of extreme arousal. He didn't have much more of a visual when Liquid moved forward between his splayed legs.

Oh, good. No unnecessarily specific measurements.

He braced for the pain. "You look absolutely terrified right now, but your curiosity is too much for you to resist," Liquid observed,

You like Castlevania, don’t you?

pulling Hal's legs up as he pushed against his prepared opening. "Please." Hal held his breath as the thick head pushed in, holding it until Liquid slid in firm, base deep. "Oh God." He groaned, steeling himself against the pain, but it was easy when pleasure played the bigger part. Liquid didn't hold back, hips thrusting in a slow, but steady rhythm. Hal met each motion, unsure at first, then rocking to his pace, the bed shifting and creaking with their weight. It felt so surreal. The alcohol whirled his senses further, his own cries of ecstasy sounding strange and clouded to his own ears. Sweat built between their bodies, Liquid's hard abs brushing his throbbing cock,

Otacon should count himself lucky for being able to rub his dick over Liquid’s 200 abs.

Some of us don’t even have a dick we could do that with!!

wringing more yells out of Hal as they ground against each other. "I'm going to fuck you until you pass out," growled Liquid,

How To Talk Dirty, a Guide to the Bedroom by Liquid Snake: Raise as many red flags as humanly possible without saying you’re going to inhabit their skin (optional)

grunting each time his balls slapped against his ass with a forceful thrust. "AH!" Hal gripped his shoulders, feeling his climax approaching faster each time his cock massaged that perfect spot deep inside his body. "I can't.." His cock jerked between them and the sticky heat of his seed spilled, coating their stomachs. Hal moaned out, fingers clamping harder on his broad shoulders as he was taken through the pleasure. "Oh, you will," Liquid grunted, still pounding into him relentlessly. "And I'll show you." As it turned out, Liquid was right.

Apropos of nothing, “As Long As You’re Mine” just came on my iTunes playlist.

Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight~

When Hal woke up, it was to a headache, sour stomach and body so sore that he felt like he had been beaten. He groaned, face pressed against the pillow as he slowly pieced together what had happened between he and Liquid. Sober, but with a hangover, he now looked back on it with a weird sense of loss.

...

True, he wasn't exactly innocent to begin with, but the things he'd let Liquid do to him...

See previous comment about pegging.

No, he wouldn't think about it, or what Liquid would have done if he hadn't been so compliant with his advances. He held his breath and lifted his aching head from the pillow to see he was alone in the room. He was relieved. Hal forced himself to sit up, sheet falling off his nude body to reveal some bruises and the dried remains of spent seed. He grimaced and sighed. He blinked, the room slightly fuzzy. He felt over his face, not feeling his glasses. Liquid must have taken them off him after he lost consciousness.

Well, that was nice of him!

He forced himself to stand and he shuffled to the desk where his glasses sat beside a bottle of aspirin and a glass of juice. He slipped them on, noticing the note as his vision cleared.

Still rather nice of him. Predicted contents of note: Don’t get used to it, Emmerich.

I enjoyed you very much, Hal. I have a mind to keep you. For your mind, and body. But, on to business. Take some of the aspirin I left for you, get a meal and a shower, then get back to the lab. Do not worry, the guards have been told to let you do what you need to do. As it is, I will be busy for the time being. I will look forward to having you again when I am able. Liquid

Translation: Get used to it, Emmerich.

Hal swallowed, dropping the note. Was he serious? He tried to put the worry from his mind as he went about doing what the note said to do. The worst part was passing the guards, getting catcalls and snickers as he hurried by them. By the time he made it back to the lab, his headache was just a dull throb, but he took a few more aspirin for good measure. He sat, hissing, and not for the first time that day when his sore rear end made itself known. His face burned with shame. God, this was a nightmare. He shook himself, turned his computer on and drank a strong cup of coffee while he waited for his files to load. His eyes felt too heavy, and he tiredly looked at the bright screen. Great, he had gotten some sleep and felt worse than he did yesterday thanks to Liquid and his perverse needs.

How many cups of coffee did you drink again?

All things considered, at least you got something out of it, besides sleep...

...

You know, I think my favorite thing about Otaliquid is Otacon meeting Snake and going like “O_o There’s two of them?!” Granted, he was doing that anyway, but it takes on a whole new dimension with the addition of Liquid fuckin’.

Again he pushed the thought of the night away and got to work, typing in a few codes before an alarm sounded through the facility. ALERT: THERE IS AN INTRUDER!! Could it be? Hal's heart raced, a shimmer of hope filling him as he listened to the announcement continue. Someone had finally come. He prayed it was someone strong enough to overcome the obstacles this place held. He prayed he would be rescued and not forced to suffer at the hands of Liquid's intentions. He prayed.

La fin.

So. As I said, not too bad except for a couple things. I’d probably give it a C+.

Y’know, an editor might have helped. Someone to point out that you probably should use the words “smirked” or “smirking” eleven fucking times in only about 4.5k words. It gets really annoying. Like, we get it. He’s a smug little shit, WE GET IT.

Anyway, that wraps up this sporking. Tune in next time for... huh... I dunno. Something? Hopefully it’ll be up soon.

See y’all!!

#sporking #airey

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