#as though that’s entirely inevitable
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At first i thought this was referring to what happened in March 2020, but no. Things haven’t changed! Even as far back as 1918 this was happening! (More on that later.)
The health center in this case was in Seattle, not Canada, but it’s close to the border for a reason. it’s explained further by this article:
When Canada shut its borders to stem the flow of COVID-19 last year, people continued to cross freely into Indigenous communities in Ontario and B.C. by water—mingling with residents who had scarce access to masks or even clean water for hand washing.
Native communities in both the US and Canada are severely neglected and actively endangered.
Indigenous people weren't consulted when lockdowns happened. They don't have a seat at the table. Whether you're talking about the federal, provincial or the local level, they're not asked their opinion. In B.C., the federal government closed borders without their knowledge.
In Ontario, when they opened up the province in July, they didn't talk to First Nations people. They didn't seem to realize people would get in their boats and come to the First Nations, bringing COVID to our communities. People would tie their boats off and walk into the communities like there was no pandemic. To me, that was a huge eye-opening piece. (University of Toronto)
It's expected that epidemics hurt those of lower socioeconomic means in particular, which many tribes are unfortunately within. Other communities of color—specifically Pacific Islander, Latino and Black communities—were hit heavily as well, having a "COVID-19 death rate of double or more that of White and Asian Americans."
Indigenous communities still have the highest percentage of deaths, which the Great Falls Tribune attributes to long-term disinvestment, racist public policies, ongoing settler colonialism. Chronic underfunding (especially in healthcare) with outdated machinery, crowded homes and deficient plumbing also contribute to the issue. Many reservations have little access to clean water, despite tribal water rights legally recognized for over a century. It makes sense that on reservations in particular, there often isn't enough room for people to quarantine the way that most of us are able to.
Native American communities are often the latest to be addressed when it comes to federal resources. This is consistent with what happened in 1918, which Dana Hedgpeth of the Washington Post pointed out in her article "Native American tribes were already being wiped out. Then the 1918 flu hit" (unfortunately the whole article is behind the paywall).
Frustratingly, articles such as this one attribute the high death toll to (as well as underlying health conditions), "lack of institutional resilience, the relationship between the federal governments and tribal governments, and lack of social trust." This may be true, but if so is not unwarranted given the many, many legally-binding treaties that have not been upheld. There is a whole History article on Broken Treaties with indigenous populations, and that's only covering some of the most famous ones!
Not to mention that Indigenous Americans have lower life expectancy and significantly disproportionate rates of diseases and chronic conditions, which as we know makes them all the more vulnerable to death upon contracting disease. In fact, an analysis of disparities conducted by the Federal Health Program for American Indians and Alaska Natives states, "American Indians and Alaska Natives continue to die at higher rates than other Americans in many categories, including chronic liver disease and cirrhosis, diabetes mellitus, unintentional injuries, assault/homicide, intentional self-harm/suicide, and chronic lower respiratory diseases."
Suffice to say, despite the many leaps in indigenous representation and recognition, indigenous tribes are often given the short end of the stick, especially when it comes to healthcare. We have to make it so that the next time something like this happens—and make no mistake, it will happen—things will be different.
#ndn#native tag#✌️#i actually wrote the second part of this for an assignment for my medical anthropology class#glad to have somewhere to share it#(an informal assignment - otherwise my form would be better)#btw this is not unique to the US or Canada#unfortunately this happens basically everywhere#but media is very america-centric#and it gets a lot more notice#i would say everywhere-everywhere but i dont mean to come across as defeatist#as though that’s entirely inevitable#sure some amount of inequality is probably inevitable but it can be extremely reduced#to the point where it’s a minute difference that doesn’t kill people. that’s my belief anyway#also helps when the articles are in english#it’s also where a lot of the data is most easily compiled and shared#unfortunately a lot of native communities aren’t heard#both bc of direct suppression technology access and a language barrier#so before you go ‘oh this is just them we’re better here’ take a look at the disadvantaged communities around you#sorry i didnt include more on first nations#im writing on mobile atm
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silly
#shadow the hedgehog#maria robotnik#my art#i don’t think about them often but when i do…. ;w;#the au one is entirely for me btw. if maria had lived longer she would’ve inevitable gotten the glasses and strange demeanor but still kind#also somehow whenever i draw shadow my art style resets??? it’s hard to explain but i just feel better from drawing him#even though he is far from my favorite#anyway blame my shadow mutuals for this post (happy)#sonic the hedgehog
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"You've seen his eyes through the visor and the bottom half of his face" Sheeeeeppp! My brain didn't come with a darn graphics card (I have aphantasia) so I won't know what the pretty man looks like until the day you face reveal him help. The bit is hilarious though and I respect that cup of tea even as I resnt it lmao
NAUUU no it’s okay I get you, I don’t have aphantasia but I definitely wouldn’t be able to put a solid image of his face together if I were yall either LMAO dw jokes aside you will see his face one day
#Okay time to bury myself in a hole while I write up the part 2 post. I don’t have a clever caption in mind so the entire hour it takes me w#Will probably be spent doing that DFJBDJFGNN /j#Dbhc ask#ask#anon#dbhc xisuma#Dbhc#Really tempted to have his face reveal be when I inevitably draw the moment doc accidentally sees his face but I haven’t decided yet =w=#Puzzle Pieces you WILL be the bane of my existence. One day I’ll get you#The bit IS hilarious it’s so stupid but it’s so fun LMAOOO#Y’all gotta see his face eventually though. That thang is important
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I don't know why my brain presented me with this, but you saying Adventure Zenos was just this unkillable/invulnerable brawler just made me go "A yes, Hilibrand if he had a turn with the braincell" and now I can't unseen it.
It’s okay, I can’t unsee it either, that thought has cursed me since EW, because I would die for Zenos to be the “Straight Man” for a Hildibrand quest akin to how WoL was, or to go toe to toe with Godbert. I’ll also admit, it doesn’t help for me either that I write Adventurer Zenos’ fighting style (one day I’ll figure out how to portray it in my art eventually) based on street brawling and greek wrestling, so Godbert running around drop kicking robots hasn’t helped that thought for me either lol.
#ffxiv#ask#anon#adventurer zenos#the curse has been spread and I am so sorry v-v#but the idea of zenos being Hildibrand with a braincell is accurate tbh— it doesn’t help how unintentionally comedic zenos is sometimes#the association in my work between Zenos and Hildibrand was entirely unintentional but also unfortunately inevitable#because I adore them both dearly#and though unrelated#I also just enjoy the concept of them having to interact at any capacity#thank you for the ask! it is now time for me to spend the rest of my morning rotating this in my brain
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✧ The Ardal stars ✧
#artists on tumblr#art#illustration#digital art#digital drawing#dnd#dungeons and dragons#homebrew#original art#my art#my ocs#Setting: Heim#I drew these a couple of years ago now i think#but since i'm drawing stuff for this setting again i'm reuploading with updated information cause the last one is outdated#I will say right off the bat however#If you compare my designs to already existing IPs i will block you on sight#the last time i posted these they got compared to a piece of media i really dislike#and that comment alone made me fall out of love with this setting for almost two years#so please. do not. it's rude and unnecessary#These are the artefacts my setting and its story is largely centered around#Tethry is credited with creating them (Even though he didn't)#They were gifted by Tethry to each of the largest cities in the world to serve as power generators supplying arcane power to the whole city#immediately pushing the four sister cities into prosperity and progress. leaving literally everyone else in the dust#which caused some understandable tension between countries that already had a bit of a strained relationship to begin with#There is SO MUCH to these little trinkets and their link to Tethry and how finding them essentially fucked up his whole entire life#You'd think becoming the world's most renowned arcanist would be the best thing that ever happened to an aspiring caster#but to some poor dude just trying to study arcane language. stumbling across the magical equivalent of the demon core#was very much not on his wishlist#especially not dealing with the consequences of trying to make sure no one actually realises how nasty they have the potential to be#which. someone inevitably does
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"Among their complaints [in 1460, the Yorkists] specifically blamed the earls of Wiltshire and Shrewsbury and Viscount Beaumont for ‘stirring’ the king [Henry VI] to hold a parliament at Coventry that would attaint them and for keeping them from the king’s presence and likely mercy, asserting that this was done against [the king's] will. To this they added the charge that these evil counselors were also tyrannizing other true men* without the king’s knowledge. Such claims of malfeasance obliquely raised the question of Henry’s fitness as a king, for how could he be deemed competent if such things happened without his knowledge and against his wishes? They also tied in rumors circulating somewhat earlier in the southern counties and likely to have originated in Calais that Henry was really ‘good and gracious Lord to the [Yorkists] since, it was alleged, he had not known of or assented to their attainders. On 11 June the king was compelled to issue a proclamation stating that they were indeed traitors and that assertions to the contrary were to be ignored." - Helen Maurer, "Margaret of Anjou: "Queenship and Power in Late Medieval England"
Three things that we can surmise from this:
We know where the "Henry was an innocent helpless king being controlled and manipulated by his Evil™ advisors" rhetoric came from**.
The Yorkists were deliberately trying to downplay Henry VI's actual role and involvement in politics and the Wars of the Roses. They cast him as a "statue of a king", blamed all royal policies and decisions on others*** (claiming that Henry wasn't even aware of them), and framed themselves as righteous and misunderstood counselors who remained loyal to the crown. We should keep this in mind when we look at chronicles' comments of Henry's alleged passivity and the so-called "role reversal" between him and Queen Margaret.
Henry VI's actual agency and involvement is nevertheless proven by his own actions. We know what he thought of the Yorkists, and we know he took the effort to publicly counter their claims through a proclamation of his own. That speaks louder than the politically motivated narrative of his enemies, don't you think?
*There was some truth to these criticisms. For example, Wiltshire (ie: one of the men named in the pamphlet) was reportedly involved in a horrible situation in June which included hangings and imprisonments for tax resistance in Newbury. The best propagandists always contain a degree of truth, etc. **I've seen some theories on why Margaret of Anjou wasn't mentioned in these pamphlets alongside the others even though she was clearly being vilified during that time as well, and honestly, I think those speculations are mostly unnecessary. Margaret was absent because it was regarded as very unseemly to target queens in such an officially public manner. We see a similar situation a decade later: Elizabeth Woodville was vilified and her whole family - popularly and administratively known as "the queen's kin" - was disparaged in Warwick and Clarence's pamphlets. This would have inevitably associated her with their official complaints far more than Margaret had been, but she was also not directly mentioned. It was simply not considered appropriate. ***This narrative was begun by the Duke of York & Warwick and was - demonstrably - already widespread by the end of 1460. When Edward IV came to power, there seems to have been a slight shift in how he spoke of Henry (he referred to Henry as their "great enemy and adversary"; his envoys were clearly willing to acknowledge Henry's role in Lancastrian resistance to Yorkist rule; etc), but he nevertheless continued the former narrative for the most part. I think this was because 1) it was already well-established and widespread by his father, and 2) downplaying Henry's authority would have served to emphasize Edward's own kingship, which was probably advantageous for a usurper whose deposed rival was still alive and out of reach. In some sense, the Lancastrians did the same thing with their own propaganda across the 1460s, which was clearly not as effective in terms of garnering support and is too long to get into right now, but was still very relevant when it came to emphasizing their own right to the throne while disparaging the Yorkists' claim.
#henry vi#my post#wars of the roses#margaret of anjou#Look I’m not trying to argue that Henry VI was secretly some kind of Perfect King™ whose only misfortune was to be targeted by the Yorkists#That is...obviously pushing it and obviously not true#Henry was very imperfect; he did make lots of errors and haphazard/unpopular decisions; and he did ultimately lose/concede defeat#in both the Hundred Years War and the subsequent Wars of the Roses.#He was also clearly less effective than his predecessor and successor (who unfortunately happened to be his father and usurper respectively#and that comparison will always affect our view of his kingship. It's inevitable and in some sense understandable.#But it's hardly fair to simply accept and parrot the Yorkist narrative of him being a “puppet of a king”.#Henry *did* have agency and he was demonstrably involved in the events around him#From sponsoring alchemists to issuing proclamations to participating in trials against the Yorkists (described in the 1459 attainder)#We also know that he was involved in administration though it seems as though he was being heavily advised/handheld by his councilors#That may be the grain of truth which the Yorkists' image of him was based on.#But regardless of Henry's aptitude he was clearly *involved* in ruling#Just like he was involved in plots against Yorkist rule in the early 1460s before he was captured.#And he did have some successes! For example in 1456 he travelled to Chester and seems to have been responsible#for reconciling Nicholas ap Gruffyd & his sons to the crown and granting them a general pardon.#Bizarrely Ralph Griffiths has credited Margaret for this even though there is literally no evidence that she was involved.#We don't even know if she travelled with Henry and the patent rolls offering the pardon never mention her.#Griffiths seems to have simply assumed that it was Margaret's doing because of 1) his own assumption that she was entirely in control#while Henry was entirely passive and 2) because it (temporarily) worked against Yorkist interests.#It's quite frustrating because this one of the most probable examples we have of Henry's own participation in ruling in the late 1450s#But as usual his involvement is ignored :/#Also all things considered:#The verdict on Henry's kingship may not have been so damning if his rule hadn't been opposed or if the Lancastrians had won the war?#Imo it's doubtful he would be remembered very well (his policies re the HYW and the economic problems of that time were hardly ideal)#but I think it's unlikely that he would have been remembered as a 'failed king' / antithesis of ideal kingship either#Does this make sense? (Henry VI experts please chime in because I am decidedly not one lol)
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Empress and Hero of the Underground.
(Alternate colour schemes below the cut!)
#undertale: scattered extension#utse#undyne (utse)#undyne#my art#undertale au#undertale#the she-ra inspiration was accidental until it wasn't lmao#(((when i added the helmet/headwear)))#her somewhat resembling an anime (...technically cartoon) hero ABSOLUTELY fits her though she would definitely do that dgshsf#...the similarity to terraria's hallowed armour was fully unintentional though. just noticed that now#i do quite like the dark greyscale colour scheme for the armour too though!! maybe i'll finish properly shading that version some other tim#it just takes a while to do is the only thing#anyway. undyne! she might live in the ruins and thus technically have toriel's role#but she's a lot more like asgore if anything#both in the sense that She's Coming To Kill Your Ass and that she's kind of a looming threat throughout the entire ''game''#just. dialed up to 11 compared to asgore#because a) she actively WANTS to kill you/trace. unlike asgore with frisk#and b) asgore was a looming threat in the sense that he was an inevitable confrontation waiting for you at the end of your journey#undyne is a looming threat because there's always the fear of her managing to catch back up to you#dgsvsf. She Is Not Fish Mom She Is Going To Kill You
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i must draw bl don x kurokumo ishmael yuri i must draw bl don x kurokumo ishmael yuri i must draw bl don x kurokumo ishmael yuri i must [dies]
#nothing more gay than dueling eachother in a turf war amirite or amirite#“Ishmael began to notice a pattern.”#“Surely enough / the bright eyed Salsu always found her way to her / as if she were seeking out Ishmael specifically.”#“Their blades would always find themselves clashing against each other / no matter the place and time of conflict.”#“For whatever reason / Ishmael began to anticipate their duels.”#“She began to eagerly await each battle between the Kurokumo Clan and the Blade Lineage.”#“And when a fight erupted / Ishmael would scan the crowd for the petite swordswoman.”#“It was only a matter of time before she’d inevitably show up / dashing in with her blade in hand.”#“And then a long / lengthy / and passionate duel would be had between the two.”#“Only a few thousand duels later / and raised eyebrows (as well as questioning) from Heathcliff did Ishmael realize:”#“She had stopped attempting to purposefully harm her opponent.”#“It was certainly odd / Ishmael had to admit. The way she found herself lost in the swordswoman’s eyes…”#“Or the way she felt almost dizzy looking at the swordswoman’s smile… 'Cute' had been a word Ishmael used to describe that grin—”#“Which had earned her a couple of raised eyebrows from her clanmates (and in Rodya’s case / a snicker.)”#“It was surely nothing though / Ishmael thought to herself / as she gripped the hilt of her katana.”#“Another battle was about to break out / after all…”#“And she could worry about the implications of the sensations she feels when fighting against that particular somebody afterwards.”#if i had a nickel for wvery time i hijacked the tags to write an entire minific#id have two nickels#which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice#anzu says shit#ishdon#limbus company#project moon#lcb ishmael#lcb don quixote
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Started thinking about the Distortion's arc again. Dozens dead hundreds trapped in endless spiralling hallways for the rest of eternity.
#its just. its just really good.#the main arc of TMA is amazing and it makes the show what it is#but the distortion follows the best written subplot i have ever experienced#it spans the entire show and yet it is truly hard to see where its going until helen's final episode starts to piece it all together#she performed her long torturous deception like only an entity defined by lies and unreality could.#the dread she causes on a meta level within the audience is extremely well executed#people who picked up on her duplicitous nature vs those who wanted to just enjoy her fun and lovable trickster persona#the betrayal of trust feels so real though it had to be inevitable. we just didnt want to stop liking her#i will never stop thinking about how well-written this entire arc is#tma#tma meta#the distortion#helen richardson#michael shelley#mag 187
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you wait twelve tormenting years for something and then it's over in a moment.
#landslide.mp3#closure feels like a release and i guess i've never fully felt that before#in it's sadness it's quite beautiful really#and a lighter grief than all that i had carried up until that point#though there is still inevitably some grief shedding those layers of heavier grief is a freedom I'm grateful for#days and moments you thought may never arrive become poignant turning points moving forward#it's both a terrifying and wonderful feeling to look at the uncertain future without being dragged down and drowning in the past any longer#seeing the new growing hope of being able to rebuild and recreate and carve out something fresh#that maybe there's still chance for your life to change no matter how much you've lost to grief and illness and suffering#it's not just an ending to a chapter in my life but an entire volume with multiple losses culminating to a single moment of liberation#and ultimately of peace or as much as you can get in this life#well i suppose this is a small prayer to a new life that may treat me kinder than i have previously been#and that i may feel human again#and if not then i will still remember this moment for what it is and for finally making sense of that which had haunted me for so long#and maybe one day i'll understand why it had to be such a long journey#it will be like telling a story that i can no longer comprehend had happened to me as the distance grows alongside me only this time kindly#;
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#khdr#kingdom hearts dark road#kingdom hearts#rambling about dim path#making kh photosets#ch tag: xeh#I feel like this is what was going through Xehanort's head when he said these lines#Player's death was inevitable and so Xehanort had no choice but to move on#He left the island behind and took the first step toward new worlds...new experiences...new relationships#If he could do it then so can Vor. Is what he thinks.#He's giving her advice based on his own experiences with change and separation#Of course Eraqus doesn't understand why Xehanort would say this. Xehanort never talks about his past.#And Eraqus has yet to come face to face with the inevitability of change. So he insists that Vor doesn't have to worry about it#Xehanort knows better though. He can't lie to Vor about something like this. Blissful ignorance won't help her in the end.#But Xehanort isn't entirely right either. He's way too quick to suggest discarding relationships in service of the new.#Unfortunately Vor won't realize the balance she needs to strike until it's far too late#khdr spoilers#long post
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So busy with Sparkstember that I almost forgot that I go back to school on tuesday
#honestly maybe it's better this way. i'd rather just not care at all rather than be super stressed about it#just like i've been doing with every little thing for most of my life#might have missed the date when we were supposed to choose our elective courses. well whatever Lol#and i still don't even know what my schedule is or what classes i have this semester oopsie#well the university itself doesn't seem particularly pressed about giving us the schedule either#but i'd probably better still read up on the classes at least before they start#i don't have high hopes for this year just like with the last. probably should just stop pretending that i still want to study anything atp#this wasn't even my first choice of a course bcs i had to prepare for that damn exam to be accepted for my preffered one#but i couldn't be bothered to study for it again which probably should have told me enough abt whether going into this again is a good idea#i'm so tired just thinking about it but i know that actually looking for a job and then having a job will be a thousand times worse so uh#but at least i'd have my own money and start doing something ughhhh. useful maybe. who knows what it will be though#i have no ideaaaaaa. but this feels like just putting off the inevitable. like at some point i need to get my shit together#i will probably report at the end of the next week about how i'm so done already#i don't really knowwww mannnnnm. i don't feel like i had any vacation at all even though 3 months have already passed#and i also sort of didn't prepare something relatively easy to do that would have given me an actual document#that would confirm that i actually finished that part-time school thing last semester#can't really be bothered to come back to it at this point though#well at least i learned something actually useful and interesting from that and that's enough for me tbh#and a lot of it is also relevant to my current area of interest (digital drawing and computer graphics in general)#well speaking of which i'd better just get back to drawing now lol. just one more left to finish!!!#in short i guess that my new way of dealing with stress is just ignoring it all#well it's worked in some way at least so it can't be an entirely bad thing lol#goosepost
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starting to feel really complicated about the upcoming Finnish production of Moulin Rouge!
#like. on the one hand I'm of course looking forward to it#but on the other hand. well. it's just that this is hardly my first rodeo.#I've seen some of my all-time favourite productions being redone by other theatres before and they're never as good#(with the possible exception of the Karlstad/Jönköping Les Mis I guess)#(but that was all about Alex being my fav + Philip Jalmelid delivering the most out of this world rendition of Stars I'll ever hear)#and then I'm just very prejudiced against the theatre that's staging the Finnish MR!#with one notable exception every musical I've seen on their big stage has felt... just a little bit soulless to me I guess#maybe it's just because that stage is so big and it always feels like theatre set up in an airplane hangar#or maybe it's because the type of audience they attract almost always gives off a certain slightly detached vibe#or maybe it's something about the way they work itself#or maybe it's all three!#but I'm a little worried that though it's by the same director the Finnish MR! experience simply won't compare favorably to the Swedish one#and then there's the weird feeling you get when it comes to these things... or at least *I* get when it comes to these things#if I'm right in my premonitions and I'll walk out thinking it doesn't hold a candle to the Swedish production that is#inevitably Finnish people are going to love the Finnish MR! and praise it because it's a good production no matter what#so then I'll be stuck in that weird mood#where I'll feel like everyone around me is watching the shadow and I'm the only person who's been outside the cave to see the Real Musical#and I know it's stuck up and silly to feel that way! and yet#oh man. just please let me see the u/s Zidler and I'll be too happy to even compare the rest of it to Stockholm#anyway!! I guess this is something I'll need to work through myself as a musical fan before I go see it#also maybe some fanart of the Swedish production? I've honestly been too exhausted the entire spring and summer to even think about that#but I'd like to draw something#maybe one day?#Moulin Rouge! posting
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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thinking about all the women whose orbits i've had to remove myself from bc they meant too much to me while i meant too little to them
#i don't talk abt this particular feeling much bc i'm not entirely convinced it's a value-neutral sort of incompatibility—#i tend to feel it's an indication of my own fundamental warping‚ that i get greedy and codependent and desperate and can't just be chill#and that it probably has something to do with the fucked-up codependent relationship model i was raised with#but it really is just like. from the high school friendship i had to drop even though i was besotted (flavor undefined) with her#bc i couldn't handle being Just One of Many Hangers-On‚ even though she said she valued and cared abt me#to the metamour i adored (flavor undefined) who supposedly valued and cared abt me too‚ but‚ like‚ not enough#to the ex-moot who remade who i really mournfully decided i couldn't re-follow bc i couldn't stop pedestalizing her#out of all proportion with the actual intimacy of our actual interactions…#idk. just feels like. very much a Recurrent Pattern for me and not a great one!#(and like. obviously the easy read here is that it was unrequited love every time; and who knows‚ maybe it was—#but it's never been obvious to me what the exact flavor of the thing was‚ just that it was sweet and tangy until eventually it stung)#anyway. i would say 'idk what even got me onto this' but actually i know exactly what got me onto this#which was: reading fic where half the pairing was aro#and like. in the fic it worked for them‚ and like‚ in life it's so often been so close to working for me!#but then the black hole of Undefined Sad Yearning inevitably starts to gape#anyway. hashtag nightblogging ig‚ lol#feelingsblogging#past lives#the psyche#(eta thinking abt it more this has also sometimes happened with trans ppl of various non-woman stripes#but in those instances i *have* just mentally filed the dynamic under (failed/abortive) romance+‚ i think#honestly very possible that's where every instance of it belongs and it's just that i don't know how to be in love with women.#like i don't identify as not-attracted-to-women‚ i'm definitely attracted to women—#'sometimes‚' i started to say‚ but like. i'm attracted to women at the same rate i'm attracted to people of other genders‚ really—#but like. societal queerphobia really does a number on you.#like. not that playing the woman's part in the cishet relationship-escalator model appeals or makes any sense for me either#but at least it's‚ idk‚ something to kick off from??#whereas with women it's just like. a ladder into mysterious fog. how do. where go.#insane to me that i'm this old and yet this is still where i am with this. god.)
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I have scientifically created the most mutually uncomfortable dynamic in my fucked up little lab that the world has ever seen. I'm being arrested for unsound character keeping practices
#shut up river#so. it does get better by the end dfjhgk#but in astarionmance timeline the whole start of the relationship was. um#well you already know the fucked up reasons why astarion pursues tav#but add on to that Alfhart's side of things. where for backstory reasons he's already rejected the entire camp because something something-#doomed by the narrative something something wouldn't be a baldurs gate oc if there wasnt a looming time bomb right.#And he doesnt want to fall in love with someone and subject them to (gestures vaguely at backstory thing) but by the time Astarion asks..#he's uh. worn down. And though he sees through the act -contrary to popular belief he was in fact not born yesterday- in his mind he's like#'well i guess better he does this to me and not someone else whose feelings actually matter lmao. and HE's not going to get hurt-#when the inevitable happens so win-win; kind of'#neither of those bitches are happy about the arrangement in act one djkgdh#things kinda get better from there because they get attached to eachother against their will and by the end there's genuine love there#confetti noises#now good luck explaining to him at the last moment that you have maybe 1-2 years max left until you're mysteriously dissapeared dipshit!!#skjfdh anyway yeah#[oc] Alfhart#i realise for some mutuals this is not extreme in the slightest but LOOK- LET ME LIVE FNGDSJKG
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