#as soon as he releases tour dates i am ready to throw money at him like

[youwerelikeanangel]

x

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Thought about something cute like reader and 5sos singing on the same festival and she’s dating cal 😭 and they switch with her guitarist and drummer boy and at first she didn’t notice but they they start to have so much fun together at the stage dancing together and doing stupid shit them following her around as she tries to prevent herself from giggling too much and actually singing 🥺🥺 and later she walks down when 5sos are performing with crystal Kay and Sierra omg 😳

+ I’m sorry I’m annoying but part two to my last asks!! I just imagine calum being all heart eyes for her minding his own business tho playing his guitar but every time he doesn’t have to use vocals or his bass he caught her hand or keep her close and ahh singing wildflower to her!!’ When at first the girls just wanted to have fun on stage with them but Calum just keeps her close the whole time singing to her and her singing back with him and being all funny and giggly together ooof

Thanks for your suggestion! It took me a minute to get to it. I did combine it with a few other suggestions. One person asked for drama and someone asked for angst. And viola! Here it is.

This is the last part of the Distance series! I’ll do an epilogue if folks want to send in some suggestions for it! HUGE thanks to everyone that sent me ideas! This series wouldn’t be what is it without you guys! 

Find the Distance series masterlist here!  Here’s my main masterlist! CW: 18+ (Smut). Angst. Lots of Fluff. 

Songs I played: Woman and From The Dining Table by Harry Styles!

Here it is at a WHOOPINg 9.6k. Enjoy!

_____________________________________________________________

The release of her album is followed by a tour. At first, she’s excited. Her mind runs wild with possibilities. Her fingers can’t keep up fast enough with every wonder and question she sends to Calum and thankfully, he doesn’t seem to mind the incessant buzzing. He takes each question in stride. It’s nice, in a way, for him to have the wisdom to give her. Like she doesn’t have to go in blind like he did, especially since it’s just her. He hopes he can make her feel a little less alone on the road. It can be a hard road to travel alone.

 The glimmer starts to wear off fast. Rehearsals turn her into a zombie. She’s up fairly early stretching, taking her dog for a walk, trying to remind herself that everything’s going to fall into place like it needs to, but the second she walks into the rehearsal space it feels like everything is going to fall apart. That somehow everything she’s ever wanted on tour is just too much, too much out of the budget, too much because she doesn’t have the weight to her name just yet. And maybe it’s a lot of glitz and glamour. Maybe she is asking for too much. Maybe that would be her downfall. 

Her phone buzzes. And she pauses, sitting on the floor with her mic in hand, and glances over to it. It’s Calum again. Another message that she won’t actually read until some ungodly hour in the night. He’s got to be up to his throat in worry. She can’t seem to think enough to text him back during the day. Too much is going on. She feels like she’s going to sink, just through the carpeted floor and through the concrete foundation and bury herself into the dirt. Maybe that would be a better fate for her. 

She turns her attention back to her notebook, with the crude drawing she made when she was trying to set the stage. “Let’s just,” she sighs. “Let’s start from scratch.”

And it works. Though it’s long and arduous, she’s able to figure out how to set the stage, finalizing the neon design. There’s a rough draft at the video that will be playing behind her for a wardrobe change. By the time she’s able to crawl into her sheets, it’s nearly 1 am. There’s barely enough energy to keep her eyes open to send Calum an apology text. When she wakes, she grins at her dog waiting patiently at the side of her bed.  “Ready to go, bubs?”

They give a tiny whine and rest their snout on the covers. She laughs, “Yeah, you’re ready to go.” She manages to brush her teeth and slips into a change of clothes before going out for a run. 

Between showering and getting dressed, she checks her messages. Happy to hear that you got things straightened, baby. Reach out whenever you get a breather, reads the text from Calum. 

She responds with a good morning text and then switches over to her email. At the top is an email with ‘urgent’ in the subject. She’s praying it’s not more bad news. She doesn’t quite have the heart to withstand more bad news after the progress they made yesterday. It’s details about a festival date in LA. That perfectly lines between her break between the European leg of the tour and the North America dates. She doesn’t even think twice about agreeing to the festival show. 

Right as her day winds down, from a shockingly smooth day of rehearsals, Calum calls her. And though she’s drenched in sweat from the light choreography and running it for hours, she stops and answers. “Hey, baby.”

“Oh, she lives!”

“I know, I know. Sorry.”

“Only kidding. I know you’re hard at work. It’s just really good to hear your voice. How are rehearsals?”

“Really good now. Once we got over the hump, it’s like smooth sailing.”

“Good, I’m glad. I was calling. We got word a couple days ago about a festival show right when you’re on break between legs. And I was hoping you had some free time, just to hang out.”

She can’t contain the smile, leaning her head against the window. The evening twilight has already settled outside. “I’m joining that festival too. And we’ll be hanging out in LA for a few days for rehearsals and then shipping out. So absolutely, we can hang out. I miss your face. And Duke. God, I miss Duke.”

He laughs. Of course she emphasizes her longing for his dog over him. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I really can’t wait to see you.” It falls from his lips in a whisper, a secret between the two of them that no one else can be in on. But the boys see it. Everytime his phone buzzes he does his best to look at it as soon as he can just in case it’s her. It’s harder to get out of bed, especially when he hasn’t talked to her in a while. “Can’t wait to kiss you again.”

“You’re a sap, you know.”

“But I’m your sap.”

She giggles, softly, watching cars whizz by. “Yeah, you are my sap.”

_________________________________

Her tour starts off well. And even though it’s her first time being out on the road like this, a constant bouncing around, and completely flipping her normal routine, she manages to cope pretty well. And it helps of course when she calls her friends, or talks to her dog. But it’s still definitely draining, pouring every bit of herself out on stage and then having just enough time to recoup before doing it all over again. There’s value in it, when the lights lift, and she can see the crowd that’s gathered just for her. It’s surreal and makes her feel like she could do this all the time. That the only thing she’d ever need is the sound of a crowd singing her songs back to her. 

In her dressing room, she swaps the gold earrings for a pair of acrylic ones, these jade green. “You’re too quiet on me,” she says, flicking her gaze down to her tablet. 

Calum picks his head up. “It’s hard to say much when perfection’s staring you in the face.”

She grins, hooking the earring back on. “Thank you, but that’s not what I meant.”

“We just got word about two more festivals in the same week you have your break. One’s in LA still, the other one’s a little ways out.” There’s no need to fake the funk anymore, or hide it away. She has another three weeks of shows before her break. And maybe he expects her to fly off the handle. Maybe he expects her to throw a fit, about how they had made plans, and it’s the only time they’ll get for each other for months. 

But she doesn’t. She nods, fingers twirling over her rings. “What are they others saying?”

“They’re itching to get back on stage. And from a business standpoint, it’s money in the pocket of course. But I know we made plans and I feel like an ass. But there’s also the band, too.”

“Our jobs aren’t easy,” she sighs. “Take the gigs.” Calum can see her eyes tearing up just a little. “Mind if tag along on the LA show?”

“Of course not. I’m really, really sorry, buttercup. I’m so sorry.”

She waves her hand, trying to keep the tears back. If they fall, they become real. It’s his job. Just like it’s hers. “I get it.” It’s tight as it leaves her throat. And it takes her a second, plus a few sips of water to get control of her emotions, and clear out all the tears that threaten to fall. He wishes he could say more, or do more. But it’s like the words die in his throat. And he’s left, mouth gaping, wishing and wanting, but unable to do anything. 

“Does it look bad if I just forgo my heels tonight from the start? They’re killing my feet on stage,” she laughs. 

It’s a small grin, upturns a corner of his mouth but doesn’t keep it up for long. “You usually end up kicking them off anyway, halfway through the show.”

“Someone’s been scrolling through my name on Twitter, huh?”

He does. Watching her is mesmerizing and he’s sad that he can’t get the chance to see it in person, so he resorts to the fan videos. But he’s yet to admit to it. “I do not do such a thing.” And there’s giggles. A fit of laughter as she looks over the outfits and plucks her oversize denim jacket and figures even in the shorts, she can make the docs Calum surprised her with work. So she slides into the worn red leather shoes and starts lacing them up. 

Calum whistles, heart racing just a little. He didn’t know those shoes had made the cut. “Look at you.” 

She strikes a pose but laughs. “Do I look good?”

“You look fucking amazing, buttercup.” 

__________________________

The sound of the crowd roaring before her ears turn on will always make her heart race. Calum said he would try to sneak side stage, but considering that he had to play on the mainstage right after her set on the side stage, it might not be for long. She didn’t mind that. But she hadn’t seen him. Not a blond crop in sight, of course if he hasn’t changed his hair since the last time. Her bassist strums the opening cord and it sends the crowd into a tizzy. With her guitar strapped around, she rolls out her neck, lining up. 

As they walk out onto the stage, they launch right into the first song. She feels her fingers buzzing as she strums. But it feels good. The LA sun is hot but she kind of welcomes it versus the heat of the stage lights. There’s still a small breeze. It comes in waves for sure and she can tell that her pits are going to be soaked by song three. “How’s everybody doing?” she shouts into the mic. 

There’s cheer in response and she laughs, hearing it reverb for just a moment. “That’s what I like to hear. Just want to say thank you for coming to see me play today. Your support truly means a lot to me.”

She continues on for just a few more seconds and right as she goes to introduce the fourth song of her set, everyone in the crowd starts to get rowdy. She thinks nothing of it, as the song starts. But she knows something is happening and she turns to check her drummer and in her spin, there’s Calum, her bassist’s bass slung over his shoulder, fingers sliding over the frets, plucking at the strings. Not that she doesn’t think Calum would go for a mint green bass on his own, but she hasn’t seen one in his collection just yet. 

If it weren’t for the verse coming back up, she knows she would just stare. Singing into her mic, she throws a few glances over to him. Waiting as the harmony comes in and Calum slides up to the music, voice smooth in her inner ears, she almost melts right there on the spot. She hadn’t quite thought about the way his voice would sound with hers, but god, he harmonizes like an angel. She finishes the verse, with a small break before the chorus again. The stage is kind of small but while facing the crowd, she can’t quite see to her sides. 

She knows though. She can almost sense when Calum approaches her. She giggles just a little into the mic, watching him smile at her. His head bobbing like it always does when he gets into whatever he’s playing or listening too. Calum plays next to her, watching the way the sweat trails down her forehead, but doesn’t streak an ounce of her makeup. He almost gives in, almost bends in to kiss her on the cheek, but he doesn’t. He lets her voice and the song carry him away, into his spin and up to the drummer’s stand. One foot on the riser, Calum bobs along, laughing at his expression, the raised eyebrow that says it all. 

She gets a small break to watch the way Calum interacts with her band. Almost as if he’s known them just as long as she has. And in some ways, he probably has. She talks about Calum to them and talks about her band to Calum all the time.  Once the song ends, Calum throws one hand in a tiny wave, before smiling over at her. “Didn’t scare you, did I?” he asks, away from the mic. 

She shakes her head, sure that her cheeks will hurt after this. Laughing, she thanks Calum as he walks off stage. And she knows, she knows she shouldn’t. But she jogs after him, as her bassist comes back on, sending a smile over her shoulder too. It’s in that moment that it becomes clear, this was planned. Catching Calum right in the wings, she catches his wrist, tugging him in close before kissing him. It’s quick, but Calum’s heart races in his chest. She runs back out. “Sorry about that guys. I did not expect that.” 

And as they get back to their set, Calum watches her for one more song, the way she dances around the stage. Their gazes lock just before he leaves and he blows a quick kiss, before his security are running him down the stage steps and across the festival grounds to get back to the mainstage in time. “How’d it go?” Michael asks.

“Well,” Calum grins, throwing his brown and black bass over his shoulder. 

“Get any smooches?” Luke teases, smacking his lips together, while his arm is slung over Sierra’s shoulder. 

“And if I did?” 

“On stage?” Michael screeches. 

“No, side stage. I almost kissed her on stage. But I didn’t want that all over the internet.” Considering that they aren’t official publically in any capacity, it would just cause more headache. Their set begins and Calum knows she has to run across the festival, so he’s not worried when by the time they step out and get three songs in, she hasn’t shown up at the side of the stage. And by the time, Calum regains consciousness enough to check again, there she is, standing off to the side, still in what she performed and breathing hard but she waves, gently from the side. 

Out of reflex, once the chords are played, he gives a small wave in return. She returns the blown kiss from earlier and the other girls laugh softly at the action. “God, you guys are so fucking smitten with each other, it’s insane,” Sierra jokes.

There’s no denying it she knows. They’re like lovesick puppies and though it would normally annoy her, it’s nice. Without another word, she sips at her bottle of water and watches Calum, with all the laughs and grins he gives, pouring his soul out onto the stage. 

And though the video calls, and the calls, work. They’re not quite enough. Her tour comes to an end, but just around the corner is Calum’s tour with the band. She think she might be able to sneak another week away before she starts working on her album, but then she gets asked to perform at some more festivals in her home country. And, who is she to turn that down? The more shows she plays, the more her name is out there, the more streams, and the merchandise is purchased. It becomes an endless wheel. Things just keep going, and going, and going and the whole time, she keeps looking for the breaks. For the thing that can put her life on pause and let her feel normal again. 

Everytime she thinks she can get real time with Calum, it ends up short. He has something that comes up. She has something that comes in. It was the festival in LA and now her festival run. It’s his tour and her sophomore album. Why had she met Calum when she did? Was the universe playing a cruel joke on her? Was it taunting her that it could give her everything she wanted and then threatening to have it crumble? Sitting her hotel room, her phone shakes, another call from Calum. She doesn’t answer it, staring at the fridge in her room. She could get a drink. Wouldn’t be hard just take it from the mini fridge. 

Her phone stops shaking. And then a minute later, it chimes, letting her know that a voice message has been left behind. The third one and more likely than not it’s from Calum. She wants this. She wants the relationship, but lately, it felt like there was no time. There was no time for anything. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t pause. And that’s all she wanted. That’s all she wants right now. She doesn’t want to open that voicemail to Calum pleading with her to answer. She wants to get back to when things were easier. And obviously, they were easier because they both had nothing to do. 

Swiping her room key and her wallet, she heads down to the bar in the hotel. She orders herself a glass of wine. The glass makes a soft click as it settles down in front of her. She takes one sip. And it’s a little bitter, the red drier than she remembers it being. Soon the glass stares back at her and she can see her warped reflection. Would it just be easier for them to take things down a level? Is she afraid of hard work or more afraid of heartache?

With another two glasses of wine in her, she climbs back into the elevator and it takes her up, floor by floor until it digs and the doors slide open. The room is dark when she reenters like she left it the AC blasting. But she can see the blue light of her phone, on the desk, lighting up that corner of the room. Is it fair? If she wants to bolt, if she wants to cut ties so it makes things so much easier for them? Why couldn’t it be easy?

Calum’s sure he’s going to pull all his hair out. One moment, things are going good. They get a little tight for sure with their schedules never quite lining up to allow them more time together. But this is the third day in a row that he’s gone with nothing from her. No texts, not a returned call. Not even a meme in their Twitter thread. Nothing on her finsta. Her regular account post mainly about her upcoming shows. But he is as closed to being blocked without actually being blocked. 

“Hey, I-I don’t know if something’s gone wrong. But please, please call me back. Or text me. Or send me a voice message. Something. Anything. Please? If I did anything, please let know what it was? I’m worried. Am I losing you?”

He ends the recording and sends it. Maybe he ought to stop reaching out so much. Should he wait for her to respond before sending more? But he doesn’t want to lose her? He doesn’t want to lose what they have. He hasn’t found it with anyone else in all his searching and even in his not searching. This fell into his lap and he can’t stand to lose it. Not when there had to be something to do to save it. 

His phone sits for another day and half before she calls. He hands shake as he goes to answer it. He almost doesn’t want to answer it. His vegetable stir fry even threatens to come back up his throat. It’s not even burnt this time. But somewhere in his mind, somewhere deep, he had figured she wouldn’t ever call him back. He would be cursed to always wonder what went wrong. “Hey,” he breathes as he answers the call. 

“Hey.” It’s croaky, like she might’ve been crying. And then it’s silent. Neither one of them are sure how to bring it up. Neither of them know how to ask what’s lingering between the two of them seems almost too much for words.

“Did I do something?”

“No,” she sighs. It would be easier if he had. It would be easier if she had. It would be easier if both of them were just bad for each other. “It’s just hard.” 

“Talk to me. Let me in. We can figure it out.”

That’s the whole crux of her issue. She had let Calum in. She had let him so far in that it was starting to seem impossible to stay in her country and work. She had let him so far in that she wasn’t sure it would be possible to go months without seeing him properly. He was in everything, her bookshelves, her closet, her studio, her lyrics, her studio, in her sheets. Everything reminded her of him. And it just hurt in a way that she didn’t think being in love could hurt. In her silence, Calum continues on, “Let me look at something.” He scrolls through the emails, looking at the dates. 

“How? How do we figure it out? On your tour, the only break you have in my country I’m in promo. And after that, you only get a day here or there. Everything’s so mismatched now.” 

Calum blinks the tears that are stinging at his lower lash line. “Something’s gonna give.” Something has to give. There has to be something. Calum goes back to emails. What would be the magic code for them?

“I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

His throat jumps at her words, heart racing. “No, don’t say that. If you say that, I know what comes next.”

“Maybe it would just be easier, Calum.” 

He is sick of it. Sick of things always blowing up in his face. But he can’t make her do something. He can’t make her take the words back, even if he wants her too. “We said there was an us.” It’s not accusorary as it falls from his lips. It just hurts. Things were going so well for so long, until time proved herself the ultimate judge yet again. “So what now?” The walls of his house start to push in closer on him. 

“I’m not saying I never wanted more for us. I’m not saying that I want to cut you completely out of my life, Calum. I wanted so much more for us.”

“Me too. I want more for us.” 

“Is now a good time though? Is now going to allow us more?”

Calum wants to laugh, it bubbles in his chest and he knows it’s delivery would be dry but he swallows it back down. “If you’re always waiting for the perfect moment, you’ll be waiting for a long time.”

“Maybe there’s a better time for us. Not a perfect one. Just a better one.”

“Maybe,” he whispers. 

“You know, you’re in everything right? When you said to let you in, I couldn’t help but think that was my problem. You’re in my goddamn sheets. You’re in everything. When the sun rises, it’s like watching you smile. If you think I’m shutting you out, that I’m trying to save myself, I want you to know that I’m doing the exact opposite. I am drowning. In everything. In you. In whatever the fuck it means to be a musician. I am drowning and I can’t bear taking you down with me.”

He couldn’t possibly be in everything, not when she was in everything for him. In his journals, in the strings of his bass. When he sits down at a piano, he can’t help but think of the throaty notes that start the song she wrote about him. He can’t help but hear her voice, Brown irises and black tattoos. Maybe they were both drowning and couldn’t see anything but the water invading their own nostrils and lungs. “You’ll always be there,” Calum says, sniffling. The tears shock him, he hadn’t felt them until they’re running down his neck. He doesn’t even know where there is, but he feels it in the cavity of his chest.

_________________

That video is going to haunt him. And it’ll haunt her too. Whenever they see the videos and pictures of when Calum surprised her on stage it always shows just how fucking happy they were with each other. How things really were working for them. But right around the corner, right as she runs behind the edge of the stage, the world doesn’t see the kiss. They don’t see the tears that followed phone calls. They don’t see how schedules always seems to be running in parallel but never fucking intersectiong. That’s all they needed. Just one point to intersect, to meet again at, and maybe they would still be tagging each other in stupid memes. Maybe they would still be talking until crazy hours of the morning. Maybe they would still be writing small poems about each other and always posting them, but never saying who they were about. 

Maybe if they just had the one chance to intersect again, her second album wouldn’t be about him. Maybe she could’ve talked about the way the clouds surf in the sky. Maybe she would have pondered the questions of existence without it being tied up in lost love. Maybe Calum would’ve had more to say in interviews. Maybe then, no one would ask him about his love life and it wouldn’t hurt to goddamn bad every time one of the other boys would jump in to save him. Maybe Calum wouldn’t feel like a rock sinking to the bottom of the river and seeing the sunlight just above him, but never having the willpower to push back up. 

He hadn’t removed her number. Hadn’t unfollowed her on her finsta. Hadn’t blocked her on a goddamn platform. Because somehow that felt like a harsher step. Like a permanent close, like he was trying to erase who she was and what she had meant to him. It’s stupid, he knows. It’s insane and it’s not helping him in the slightest, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Maybe part of it was that natural and sometimes detrimental curiosity if that person was suffering just like you. He wanted to know if she bled just like him, if her pain was just as vicious as his. 

Calum watches the video loop back again. The way she bites her lower lip but runs after him. The crowd is still screaming. They are still cheering. They are still buzzing. After saving the tweet, he drafts a message to her: I know you’ve moved to New York. I hope you’re enjoying it. City makes you feel anonymous doesn’t it? I have two days off during this tour. Maybe we have our better time now? I’m sure by now you know all the best places in town for pizza. I could be down for some cheesy delights. 

Should he send that? His fingers shake. What’s left for them after a year and a half? They’ve still supported each other. He retweets about all her singles and videos. She praises the band’s new music in interviews. They aren’t unknown to each other. But somehow they feel like two ghosts. There’s a glass wall between and they look at each other just in passing. They never touch. They never intersect again. Instead, he exits the messaging app, but doesn’t actually delete the words. 

When he goes back to the message thread, about a week from their dates in New York, there’s no shock that the app hasn’t saved it. And he feels partially relieved. He exits the app again and goes back to his mindless scroll through Instagram. An app saved him this time. 

There is nothing to save him though, when he walks into the green room and spies her shrugging a coat on. The New York mornings are a little cool to the start. His heart is now in his throat. He’s not sure if he should swallow it back down. “We can go,” Ashton says quietly, taking him back his arm gently.

And somehow, like her ears are tuned in on everything, she hears something like her name, something like a soft wisp of a voice. When she looks up and sees Calum, donned in all black, though his long lined jacket has some white stitching and embroidery, she’s sure she could melt into the floor. He still looks good. Still has the same quiet pout to his face that makes him look slightly less approachable but it changes in a heartbeat when he smiles. She grabs the strap to her bookbag purse. 

She knows it was her that ended things. She knows that seeing Calum here in front of her, should make her feel embarrassed. But somehow, all she wants to do, all she’s ever wanted to do since that phone call is embrace him one last time. Tell him that he’s still handsome as ever. Promise him that she meant what she said, that he was and still is in everything. “C’mon. We gotta go,” her security tell her. 

But all she can do is stare at Calum. Unzipping her purse, she finds the note, the letter she never had the courage to send him and with a deep breath, she walks over. Ashton looks like he could probably murder her. And she doesn’t blame him. She could never blame that instinct to protect the ones you love especially from the ones that hurt them the most. “I’m sorry,” she says, holding out the white envelope. “For everything. And if we don’t ever get that better time, know I’d only ever wish the best for you.”

Calum’s fingers barely grasp onto the note before she’s sidestepping him. The boys circle around him, like they’re just waiting for his word to pounce. She steps through the heavy glass door. And she’s leaving him again. She’s going to slip through his fingers. Again. Pushing through Luke and Michael, Calum swings open the door. “Wait!” he calls out. 

She stops, spinning on her heels to face him again. Calum jogs down the corridor. All the offices have windows. Everyone is probably watching. With both hands cupping her face, letter between his fingers and all, he pulls her in close. “You’re not leaving me again. You’re not going to walk out my life a second time. Not without me putting up a hell of a fight.”

“You shouldn’t fight for me. Not after what I did.”

“Meet me tonight. Let’s actually talk about it. I’ve been holding so much inside and if, god forbid, if it’s not now if we had our shoot and we fucking blew it, at least I’ll know for sure.”

“Does 8 work for you?” She tries so hard not to wrap her hands around his wrist, not to slide it up his forearms and tug herself into his chest. And god, he still smells the same. Old Spice and Gain. It feels so right to press herself into his chest. 

“Yeah,” he mumbles into the top of her head. It’s still the same scent as before in almost two years, he can’t even believe it.

She takes a step back, patting at her pockets and pulls out a pen. Pulling the envelope from his fingers, she scribbles down a name and address. “If this place is too far from your hotel, just call me.” He watches her, jotting down more numbers. “It’s my new US number.” While handing the infor back to him, she grins just a little. “Don’t lose it now.”

Calum laughs, remembering the first time she delivered that line to him. “I won’t. Promise.”

Dear Calum, 

There’s no real way to say this that doesn’t make my chest feel like it’s been punched  in. I shouldn’t have let you go. There was a way to make it all work. There was a way so that you and I could’ve pushed through. I was just too scared of things going too right, going too well. Maybe that sounds dumb. Or maybe that sounds insane. But the truth of the matter, I messed up. I’m sorry. And you don’t have to ever forgive me. You deserve the ability to move on. You deserve everything good that comes to you in the future. I want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. Even if our better time has passed. 

You deserve to be happy. 

Calum reads over the letter again. Still not sure how his lungs are still operating because he was positive all the air had been exhaled. It’s the fourth time he’s read it today. Since he had Michael read it out to him in the green room. He would’ve asked Ashton, but knew that Ashton would’ve told him not to worry, to keep moving forward. Because he had, in a way. He had thrown himself into music. He had tried to chase after her in other people. He had read all the books on poetry, and love, and philosophy. But something down in his gut told him that he would never let her go again if he got a second chance with her. 

He looks at the date. She wrote it six months after everything went south. Maybe she forgot to send it. It had his name on it--just never fully addressed out though. She could’ve messaged him. Emailed. Called. Literally anything and he would’ve answered. But hadn’t she? What held her back? And just as he goes to read it over one more time, the door chimes open. He looks at his phone. Just as the time ticks over to 8. And when he glances over his shoulder, there she is. In the same jacket from before. 

The little pizza shop isn’t too loud. Most people come in just to get their few slices and then dip right back out. She smiles, waving just a little before sliding onto the stool next to him. She points to the letter, that he hasn’t even moved to put up, “Sorry it’s not my best work. I thought about finding a synonym for happy but nothing fit right.”

With a breathy chuckle, Calum folds the letter up, slipping it into his pocket. “What do you recommend off the menu?”

“God, with this place, anything.” 

They settle back down on the stools, paper plates not fully supporting the extra large slices and a stack of napkins between them. The grease runs down his chin and Calum feels it rolling too. But his hands are full trying to keep his slice from falling. She laughs, dabbing at his face with a napkin. “I still see you’re the messiest eater around.”

“Hey, hey, it’s not my fault,” he grins. Their giggles dissipate as the bell chimes again, a signal of another patron entering. “What happened?” The question doesn’t feel full enough, doesn’t feel like it fully encapsulates all the confusion he holds. But yet, those are the only words he has.

“A lot started happening all at once. Your tour, my second album. More shows. It just-I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That I wasn’t a person. And maybe part of it was selfish. Maybe I was trying to save myself all along and I was just telling myself and you that I wasn’t selfish. I really am sorry. Like, if I had known, god if I had known that doing that would’ve caused all the pain it did, trust me, I wouldn’t have. If I could go back and tell myself, that crazy shit happens and you just gotta learn how to keep your cool, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It was a mistake letting you go. But at the same time, reaching out felt wrong too. Like I would’ve been ruining the peace you had created for yourself. And I didn’t want to do that either.”

“You know, I felt like we had something different. Like that was really going to be it for me and I had finally figured out this whole being in love thing. That I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. And maybe that was my mistake. Maybe I saw something happening and didn’t do anything.”

“We were living continents away. With everything happening, you weren’t seeing all of it. No need to blame yourself.” She takes his hand, slipping her fingers between his, twisting at the silver band around his middle finger. “I do want you to be happy, Calum. I want you to be so happy it just can’t be contained.”

“I was with you.” He squeezes her hand, willing her to look at him and not the street in front of them, through the glass. 

“I’m still not in L.A.”

“But you are in the same country as me now and I will take that.”

“You’d still take me back after everything?” When she looks at him, brows furrowed together, Calum knows he’s a goner. He always was with her. 

“I would.” 

“You’d be crazy.”

“I am already crazy. Because I’m tempted to ask you where you’re staying and if I could stay the night.”

He’s leaned in to her, just a hair. And she leans in too, resting mostly shoulder to shoulder. “You are crazy,” she laughs softly, taking in the reflection of the neon lights on the street. “But maybe I’m also crazy too.”

The night is cool again. Both of their boots scuff the concrete. She doesn’t stay far from the small diner, a ten minute walk really. With fingers threaded through each other, they walk huddled close up the sidewalks. The wind whips across their faces. They dodge piles of trash on the edge of the sidewalks and they keep their heads down so as to not attract a crowd. “How do you like New York? Got to be a huge shock?”

“It most definitely is. I like feeling anonymous here. With so many people around.”

“I know you said you don’t do well with people and New York feels like the opposite of the place you want to. Especially not in the city.”

“I mean, I still don’t do great with people. I’m in the city for the time being. But I have my eye on a few places further out. But after everything, I felt less lonely here. I don’t know. No one cared about who I was. No one cared what the fuck I was doing here. And I liked it better that way. Back home, everyone knew. Everyone looked at me like I was a broken vase. Here, no one gave a shit. It’s move or be moved here. Forced me to come to terms with everything. Forced me to accept everything I was trying to hide.”

“Do you need to go to your hotel? Grab or bag or something?” She asks just before they pass the opening for the subway. 

“I have my roomkey. It’s all good. All the interviews were today.” 

“As long as you’re sure.”

He gives her hand another squeeze. “I’m sure.” They reach the door to the complex and she digs out her keys, opening the front door. Calum follows her through the second set of doors. The elevator is a little janky as it carries them up, and definitely tiny. In the space, they’re pressed chest to chest. There are a few extra lines around her eyes, he notices and runs the pad of his thumb over the skin. It’s just as soft as it’s always been. She feels so familiar under his touch, yet so new. 

It’s not a far ascent and she laughs when he pouts as she pulls away. “Just like four more steps.” 

It’s true to word, when they step out of the elevator, her door is directly in front of it. Her keys jingle just a little as she works the lock and pushes into the chipping red paint of the door. Her dog leaps from the couch, greeting her and then barking just a little when they spot Calum. He laughs, kneeling to hug them to his chest. “You still remember me, huh?” he laughs, as they attempt to lick his face and jaw. “Oh, too long, I know. Sorry, bubs. Didn’t forget about you.”

She takes his jacket, hanging it by the door. “Want anything to drink?”

Calum shakes his head from her couch, working at his shoes. “No, I’m good, thank you.”

She nods, watching as her dog claims Calum’s attention. But she can’t find an ounce of herself to be mad or annoyed. So she slips out of her shoes and puts them up, before getting herself a bottle of water. When she settles onto the couch, she just laughs at the antics. Calum keeps trying to say something but at every twist, her dog is right there, plopping themselves in his lap. Calum eventually gives up and wraps his arms around their body, scratching lightly at their fur. 

“Someone missed you too,” she teases, putting her two fingers really close together. “Just a tiny bit.”

His laughter echoes in her head. “Yeah, clearly just a little.” He lifts his head just a little when he feels the wet tongue at his chin. “So, you’re working on your third album?”

“On and off,” she admits. “Playing more shows than anything for the time being. I don’t have to think. Everytime I think too much I end up fucking something up. So I’m just taking it easy for the time being. Taking some brand deals.”

“You’ve got a collab coming out soon, right?”

She nods at the question, laughing as her dog finally settles down. “Yeah, next month. I’ve always lived kind of a boring life, you know that.”

“There’s a lot I don’t know.” He can finally shift, as her dog wanders over to the water bowl, so that he can sit in front of her. It’s a dangerous game. He’s played it before with her. But he takes her chin into his hands. “We haven’t really talked in a while.”

“Is there something you want to say, Calum?”

“Yeah,” he returns simply. Her breath hitches, eyes searching his brown ones for something, anything that tells her what’s going on. “I wonder if your lips still feel the same. I always thought about the way you’d laugh sometimes into a kiss. And it used to haunt me. But right now, I want to find out if anything else has changed.”

She wastes no time, pushing up and sealing her mouth around his. His hand slides to the back of her neck and she pulls at the collar of his shirt. They fall into each other, then falling into the arm of the couch. She exhales her laughter, still pecking at Calum’s lip. Her fingers tease the skin of his upper chest and neck.

“I was right,” he grins. 

She hooks her finger around the gold plate. “I guess you were.” She pulls him back in for another kiss, slipping her hands into his hair. 

As his lips trail over her jaw and down to her neck, she thinks about the time at her apartment back home, Calum woke her up with kisses down her jaw. They still feel the same. Maybe even a little bit better. His finger push up the hem of her shirt, squeezing at the flesh of her side. She sighs and Calum groans at the sound. It sets off everything in his body when he hears her quiet noises of pleasure. 

“Is this okay?” he asks, pulling away to look at her as his fingers brush over her skin. “I don’t want to push you or take things too fast this time.”

Being with Calum feels like no time has past, if she’s honest. She doesn’t have the butterflies, just the comfort of someone she’s known for a year. And it sort of feels like they’re picking back up from where they left off. “I’m okay with it.”

He grins and she sees it--that rising sun in the gleam. His forehead rests against her. “I kinda feel like we have a lot of lost time to make up for.” His lips brush just over hers as he speaks. 

She exhales her laughter again, but agrees. “Just a little bit. I really am sorry.”

“We all make mistakes. You just have to communicate with me, okay? That’s all. Talk to me this time. If you feel like you’re drowning, let me help. Please.”

She pushes up and Calum settles back down into the cushion, taking her hands into his. “I know things won’t be like, perfect now. But I guess, it’s really important that we do get to spend quality time together.”

“It is. And I know my tour schedule is pretty packed right now, but there’s another longer break in about three weeks. They’re LA shows. I don’t know if you have plans, but if you do, we can hang out then.”

She has to laugh because here’s the trouble all over again. “Booked recording sessions then.”

“Okay, well, the week after that is the break between legs. What are you doing then?”

“Nothing.” There’s a break between sessions, and she had just planned to use the time to breathe. 

“I’ll fly you out then. Just you and I and my rehearsals. But that’s besides the point.”

Laughing, she rests her head into his bicep. “Just you, I, and your rehearsals. Got it.”

“We’ll have to better plan out things, that’s all. We’ll have to look at both our schedules and make sure that there’s sufficient breaks and time together.” He guides her head up. “I want you. And I mean all of you. I can’t stand to lose you again.”

“I just have to make sure Ashton doesn’t kill me.”

“He’s protective, yes. But not an evil. I’ll talk to him. Don’t you worry.” 

“He did write a whole song about how he’d bury a body for you. So I think I have a little bit to worry about.”

Calum laughs, shaking his head. “Maybe just a little bit.” Her grin makes him want to bottle it. He wants to carry it with him in his pocket. Leaning closer, he kisses her again. “But right now, it’s just you and I. There’s nothing else but time for us right now.”

She hums. “I like the sound of that.”

Fingers trail back under shirts. She drinks down his moans as they tease, barely touch. Calum’s shirt is discarded in the living room and her is pulled off in the hallway. Calum holds her face in his hands, memorizing the way her teeth sink into his bottom lip in the gentle nip. He moans. Fuck, she feels so good against him. 

Her spine shivers as his fingers trail to her back and unsnap the band of her bra. As the fabric falls from her shoulders and she tosses it somewhere, Calum takes a hand just to cup her. His fingers roll the erect bud and she sighs again, mouth falling slack against his. He laughs. “Hmm, that’s right. Someone does like their nipples played with.”

She grins though, blinking open her eyes. “Don’t think I forgot that you don’t listening to rules and like a little pain.”

Finding her waist with both hands, Calum holds her in close. “You wouldn’t dare.”

She bends her knees, just a little and with hot and open mouth kisses she trails down his chest before taking her teeth into the meat of his peck. Calum jolts, a grunt falling over his lips and throat. “I would dare,” she returns. 

They fall into her sheets, the same golden ones from before. They’re just as soft against Calum’s skin. It’s warm, as their skin heats up. Her skirt has landed somewhere to the floor and Calum pushes his hips up as she shrugs the denim down. She kisses over his thighs, moaning just a little. Calum lets his eyes flutter close at her soft kisses. 

Everything just feels right. Even as Calum takes a nipple into his mouth, tongue teasing her just a little. Or when she kisses over his length. But right now, she tosses her head back when Calum pries her legs open kissing up her inner thighs. “I’ve dreamed of this,” he whispers, watching as she clenches, more of her arousal leaking from her. 

She huffs, pulling a hand through her hair. “You sure do know how to make a girl sweat.”

“It’s a speciality,” he laughs with a wink before kissing her clit. She balls on fist around her sheets, stomach completely clenched. The last thing she wants is to have to wait much longer for anything. The anticipation can be a good thing, though she’s doing everything she can to keep her cool. That is, until Calum finally takes the first lap from her and she unravels, a moan leaving her throat as it mixes with a whine. 

He takes his time, pushing her thighs and knees to give him all the access he could ever want. Calum licks another stripe over her, before sucking her clit into his mouth. She taste better than he could’ve ever imagined. Every sound she gives--moans, groans, or a whine--rattles in his brain and spurs him on. One of her hands finds it’s way into his hair and she tries to push up with her hips and his face down into her core. But it’s not like he needs the assistance or the reminder. When he trails down to her opening, his nose brushes over her clit and her body is reeling. 

“Oh, fuck,” she whines, feeling the coil in her lower gut tightening. 

Calum hums at the sounds, and when she praises him, tells him that he’s the only one to make her feel this fucking food, he rewards, slipping a finger into the mix, pushing up into her. “Is that so?” he asks, watching her head dive deeper into the pillows. 

“God, Calum,” she huffs. 

Another finger finds it way inside, pushing and curling in all the right places. Her body feels like it’s on fire. She feels like she’s a coil so tightly wound she’s going to break. His tongue flicks across her click, lapping at her. And that’s it, that’s the right combination to send her over the edge. Over she goes, with a yelp, her orgasm rocking her frame and toes curling as she cries out for Calum. 

He keeps her going, keeps curling his fingers at her. So lost in the way she sounds. And when the huffs turn into a hiss, he pulls back. She beckons him up, kissing him and tasting her own arousal coating his lips and tongue. He’s careful not to settle fully against her, but it’s quickly changed when her legs come up and lock around his waist. “I’m not gonna break,” she laughs, when he finally let’s go and sinks into her. 

She swallows his response with a kiss but it doesn’t matter anyway. Her hips come up and Calum rolls onto his back, letting her settle atop him. Her nails rake down his skin and she sucks at his neck, he’s sure it’ll bruise just a little but it’s okay with him. His nails dig into the flesh of her hips, not sure if he wants the friction right now or if he just needed to revel in the feeling of her against him. 

“Shit,” he whines when she rocks over him. “I-fuck.”

She laughs, pulling away to reach into her drawer. “That sounds about right.”

Calum delivers a swift swat to her ass at the joke, but laughs anyway. “That is not funny.”

“Then why are you laughing.” When she turns her attention back to him, condom in hand. She stretches down to kiss him again. “Did I ever tell you you’re not the only one that likes a little pain?”

His eyebrows arches and he smooths over her ass before delivering another spank to her opposite cheek. She sighs, eyes fluttering close just a little. “Oh, buttercup, you should’ve never told me that.” 

“We can save it for another time? Because right now the only thing I can think about is riding you until the sun rises.”

Kneading at her breast, Calum grins. “Now, that sounds about right.” 

There’s a moment, right as she settles down on him fully, that they both moan at the feeling. Calum because of the warmth and slickness, her because of the stretch. Her head is dizzy again with need. She steadies herself with her hands planted on his chest and rocks. All she can focus on is the girth of him, stretching her completely open. It makes her toes tingle and she falters, falling into his chest, but starts a new cadence, pulling up and settling back down on his length. 

“Holy shit,” he huffs. She buries her face into the crook of his neck and Calum coaxes her out, to look at him. “You don’t get to hide from me, not again. Wanna see that pretty face when you cum.”

Her hips are still rocking but she nods, eyes fluttering close just for a moment. Calum kisses her, and it’s his turn to swallow down the moan she feeds him. She pushes back up, pulling her own breast between her fingers. Calum loses the top of his head, he’s sure, watching as she rides him. His fingers trail over her hips, up to her stomach. “Why’d you have to be so handsome?” she teases breathy. 

He’s not sure how to respond. Unsure of the heat he feels is a blush or the sweltering of arousal flooding his body. She takes one of his hands, trailing it towards her heat. And Calum takes the hint, thumb circling the bundle of nerves. Her head falls back on her neck as a hum builds in her chest. Calum kneads at her right breast, pulling and pushing at every button he can to have orgasm again for him. 

A high pitched squeak falls from her. The bed taps against the wall, but neither one of them really cares. Her orgasm washes over it, like a wave crashing into the shoreline. She shudders, clenching around him and falls again into his chest, but pushes up onto her elbows, remember Calum’s early demand. “Fuck,” she whines when he starts to fuck up into her. He pulls her body up and she’s useless, body still like jello from her orgasm. Her words catch in her throat. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers into her ear when she bites down onto his shoulder. “You know I like the pain.”

“Feel so good,” she returns. “Calum, shit, you feel so good.” His hips start to stutter, trying to ride out for longer, but knowing that inevitably he’s at the end of his rope. She kisses over his neck. “Cum for me, yeah? Please.”

Who is he to deny her? Who is he she to defy her? He ruts up once, twice, and she clenches hard, taking most of the wind of his third thrust but he cums hard, arms squeezing her to his chest and he knows he’s loud in her ear as he groans. Though, it’s suspected that’s just the sound she wanted to hear as she seals his mouth with hers. 

Calum wraps the towel around his waist. She’s already under the cover, with them flipped down for him. She pats the spot in the mattress. He can see some of the hickies covering her chest that he left behind. Without much thought, Calum dries off a bit more and then slips between the sheets. “Hey,” she whispers. “Come here often?”

“My first time actually. But the first of many, I hope.”

Her nose scrunches as Calum taps it. “Yeah, of many. I brought your phone into the room. Put it on my spare charger. And I know that it’ll go off at 5:55 AM. No, you don’t have to turn it off. I know it’s important to you.”

“You--you still remember that?

“I don’t know if you really remember. But when I said that you were in everything, you were everywhere. I meant it.” She turns to her back, the sheets tucked up to her chin. Both of them are bare beneath them. 

Calum’s taken up drawing random patterns on her stomach as he holds himself up on his elbow, facing her. “I remember. Could never forget that.”

“Guess we might’ve meant for something more, something better.” Her voice is soft. The blinds in her window let the lights of the city in. Nothing about it is quiet as sirens pass by. Calum lets his head fall into her pillows. She turns, both of them now facing each other again. Her arm slides over his waist. He throws one of his legs over hers. 

She’s content like this, where she can kiss across the tattoos on his chest. Though she can’t really see the one just under his peck, she thinks about the question poised there. Why would she choose anything other than Calum? It remains quiet for a while and she thinks he’s fallen asleep until his chest rumbles. 

“We were. It was just a matter of getting there. Finding the right path for us.” He’s positive, as she shuffles in a little closer that this is it for him. And if he has to fight hell, heaven, or high water, he’d do it all for her. 

[hockeynascarfan91258]

A/N: Okay guys thanks for bearing with me!   Here is the much anticipated update of Lips of an Angel.   Enjoy Chapter 2!  Please leave me feedback PLEASE :) 

Lips of an Angel

Chapter 2: 

The girls head out to wait for the guys. "So how long have you and Sid been an item?" Allison asks. "We started dating in late 2002.   I worked for Rimouski and then followed him here to Pittsburgh where I was able to land a job doing PR as well.   The day that he was drafted here is also the day that Sid asked me to marry him." Aurora replies. "Awww that is so sweet.   You two look so cute together." Allison says. "Thanks, so how long have you and Kris been together?"  Aurora asks. "Well we met through his best friend Luc.   I am Luc's girlfriends best friend.   They set us up on blind date.   Kris and I hit it off and bam that is how we ended up dating.   The day he got drafted to the Pens is also the day that we became engaged." Allison replies. "That is awesome.   I am happy for you guys.   Kris is a good guy." Aurora says. "Yes he is one of the best.   I am glad he came into my life." Allison says. The girls banter back and forth while they wait for the guys.  

Sid and Kris had media to do.    After they each finished they showered. "So where should we go for dinner?" Kris asks Sid. "May Olive Garden?   Aurora loves Italian food." Sid replies. "That actually sounds good." Kris says. Sid nods his head.  They finish up and head out to meet the girls.     "Your girls ready to go?" Sid asks as they reach Aurora and Allison. "Yes I am starving." Aurora replies. "I am starving as well." Allison says. "Well then lets go." Kris says. "Okay we will meet you there." Sid says. "Sounds like a plan." Kris replies. Sid and Aurora link hands and head to Sid's truck.   Kris and Allison follow heading to Kris's.   They both get in and head out.     A few minutes later they arrive at the Olive Garde and park. "Are you okay?" Sid asks Aurora. "Yes I am fine.  I am hungry but I am tired too." Aurora replies. "Well we won't be late okay baby." Sid says kissing her hand. "Okay." Aurora replies. They get out of the truck and head inside.   Kris and Allison follow suit.    They were seated at booth.    Sid and Aurora sit on one side and Kris and Allison sit on the other. "Thanks for doing this guys.   I am glad to get to know Aurora and become friends.   It will be nice to have a friendly face in town when I am here." Allison replies. "When you are here?" Aurora asks. "Oh yeah I am a model so I have to travel a lot for work." Allison says. "Oh wow that is awesome.    I bet you have seen some pretty amazing places." Aurora says. "I have.   Milan, Paris, London, Monte Carlo among others." Allison says. "That is pretty cool.   I am planning a trip during the break to somewhere awesome for me and Aurora." Sid says. "Oh you have to take her to Paris.   Its the city of love and is so beautiful.   Aurora will love it too since she is from Montreal." Allison says. "Actually going there is on my bucket list." Aurora says. "Well that is where we will go baby." Sid says. "That will be fun." Kris says. "Why don't we make it a double date vacation." Allison offers. "Well you can show us all the stops." Kris says kissing her head. "Sounds okay with me.   As long as Aurora is on board." Sid says. "I am okay with it." Aurora replies. The guys were excited.     They started planning different things.   Aurora looked over the menu.      They ordered soups first.   Aurora and Kris both got the Chicken and Gnocchi, and Sid got the Zopa Toscana and Allison got the Minestrone.    They also got the Fried Mozzarella, Stuffed Ziti Frita and Lasagna Frita as appetizers to split.     Aurora got the tour of Italy, Sid got the giant Chicken Parmesan, Kris got the Shrimp Scampi and Allison got the lasagna.     They also got a bottle of wine to share. "This was a good idea baby I am glad you thought of it." Allison says. "Thanks I am glad too.   I figured since Sid and are become really good friends it would make sense for our fiancée’s  to be friends too." Kris says. "Yes it does make sense and I am glad you girls hit it off." Sid says. They sip their wine and eat their food and chat.   When they finished eating their food they got Tiramisu and chocolate brownie lasagna to split for desert.   When they finished Aurora grabbed the bill before anyone of them could. "Baby girl let me pay." Sid says. "I got it guys." Aurora says. "Are you sure?   I can give you money for ours." Kris says. "Yes I can treat you guys." Allison says. "Nope I got it." Aurora says. "Thanks Aurora." Allison replies. "Yes thanks Ro." Kris says. "Thank you baby." Sid says kissing her head. "Welcome guys." Aurora says. She pays the bill.    They then linger a bit.    Aurora and Allison exchange numbers and Aurora gets Kris's updated number.    They then all head out.    Kris and Allison head out to Kris's truck and Aurora and Sid heats out to theirs.    Sid and Aurora get in the truck and Sid drives them to Aurora's apartment.   They arrive and park and head up.   Aurora let's them in. "I am glad that you have this place." Sid says. "I know baby.   I feel awkward staying at my bosses house and even more awkward if we would ever have sex there." Aurora replies. "I know.   But soon I will build my own house here." Sid says. "I know I will keep the apartment until it is done.   And you know you are more then welcome to move in here until that happens." Aurora says. "I know baby." Sid says pulling her to him. "Sid." Aurora says. "What?" Sid asks pinning her to the wall. "I am tired." Aurora says. "Baby don't act like you aren't in the mood.   I can feel your juices coating my suit pants." Sid says nibbling her ear as he wedged his thigh between her thighs. "God Sid." Aurora moans as he nibbles her sweet spot. "What baby?" Sid asks as his hands wander all over her body. "God please." Aurora moans begging him. "Please what?" Sid asks. "Don't tease." Aurora whines as she starts to grind her hips against his thigh. She needed release and he just wasn't moving fast enough. "Damn baby." Sid moans. "Sorry but you were taken so long." Aurora whimpers as she moves harder. "That's it baby make yourself cum." Sid begs her. He runs rips open her shirt sending buttons and material flying.   Next was her bra.    He runs his thumb over her nipple. "Sid." Aurora hisses. "Yes baby girl?" Sid asks. Aurora was really grinding his thigh.   Sid runs his hand down her body, down her panties seeking out that little bundle of nerves he knew would send her flying.   He found it hard and throbbing for him.   He applies just the right amount of pressure. "Sid." Aurora calls out as she cums orgasm rushing through her. Sid lets her calm down.    He then picks her up and they shed clothes as they head towards the bed.   Sid throws her down on top of it.   He then hovers over her. "Sid what are you waiting for?" Aurora whines.

"I don't have any protection." Sid  says.

"I don't care I just need you inside me now."  Aurora  replies.

"Are you sure?" Sid asks

"God yes please Sid I need to feel you inside me stretching me." Aurora begs.

"Okay baby your wish is my command." Sid says.

He slams into her stilling a bit to let her adjust before pulling out and slamming into her once again.

"Sid  fuck me hard." Aurora moans as she moves with him.

"That is the plan baby." Sid moans as he goes a little harder. "God that is it baby." Aurora moans digging her nails into his back. "Fuck Aurora." Sid moans loudly as he went as hard as he could. "So close god." Aurora  moans. "Me too baby girl me too." Sid moans. "Fuck Sid fuck." Aurora moans as she cums hard. "Aurora baby that's it milk my cock baby." Sid  moans cumming with her filling her up with all he had. They lay there riding it out. They make love multiple times before falling asleep in each others arms. "God that was freaking amazing." Sid says kissing her head as she took her spot laying on his chest. "I know baby but it always is with you." Aurora says. "Yes it is.   So glad you were my first and I am happy you will be my last." Sid says. "Aww me too baby." Aurora says. "Get some sleep baby." Sid says. "You too my love." Aurora says. "Goodnight baby, I love you." Sid says kissing her head once again. "Goodnight baby, I love you too." Aurora says. They snuggle together falling into a much needed sleep.

[jlf23tumble]

Agree so much with your post about the teams and fan engagement ! And love the way you articulated all of that. Although now I definitely am interested in knowing what your notes about the specificity of each team/artist cause I feel like they'd be fascinating to read. Hope you'll post them some day, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us ! 😊

Awwww, that’s very kind! It’s definitely head canon city, I litcherally have ZERO clue what goes on behind the scenes (and I can’t stress this enough, none of us do), so this’ll look hilariously dated when we find out that blah woof was true all along, lmao (me @ myself, thinking of some random Grimshaw interviews from last fall, oh, bless). Let’s dig in!!

For those of you who just stumbled upon this post, it’s related to the one I made last night about how I think the management teams of all these men (mid-20s means = you’re a man, not a boy) are not, in fact, sabotaging them. They negotiate a lot of tricky interconnected arrangements that none of us are privy, to, plus they’re at least trying to achieve the goals their clients are going for. And they’re doing it—the trick is these goals are highly individual and not 100% sensical (at least given our own view from the afternoon, Arctic Monkeys ref, holllllllah!!!).

In addition, these goals constantly shift, as does the music industry itself—I drive my own self loony when I lurk on blogs that are seemingly broadcasting from 2012, confused by why xx’s team is so “terrible” because they aren’t throwing good money after bad to get on a radio playlist, or why they haven’t announced yy “properly,” as if they’re being paid to worry about this level of shit (which fires me up on about five levels, deep breaths in, deep breaths out). I’m much nosier about the signals we’re getting when we hear them talk in their beautifully media-trained way about their musical interests, when we get some of that sweet, sweet fan service with a Gallagher or a Capaldi, when we get that heads up about who’s attending what concert, stuff like that. These signals don’t necessarily indicate future collaborations, but they DO indicate what kind of image these guys want to have, the kind of music they want the public to associate them with.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself…their personalities and goals at the moment are all so vastly different, and I truly do love seeing how their teams are workin’ it accordingly. Again, please @ god, don’t @ me…opinions, massively unpopular opinions, dead ahead!

* Zayn. My read on Zayn is that he enjoys the creative process, loves writing and singing, digs collabing with people, but he doesn’t seem to give two shits about the biz side (and why should he? that’s called living the dream at this particular point in his career). His website recently added “tour,” which EYEBALL EYEBALL, but he doesn’t seem to be all that interested in putting himself back out on stage or into radio/print/etc. anytime soon, and again, why should he? His numbers are HUGE without pushing himself through the anxiety-provoking churn he endured for four years, so there’s no real drive for him to do any promo if he doesn’t want to (see: the netflix-like binge dump of Icarus Falls, which could be “sabotage,” or it could just be, “fineeeeeeee, here’s some stuff for you, enjoy”). What other artist gifts his fans with gorgeous covers of such a wide variety of songs that indicate he’s more interested in sharing them than selling them. Accordingly, his fan interactions seem fairly pure and not all that promo-y: he has a keen interest in fanart, he’s done some fan pop-ups/listening parties that are pretty low-key and *seemingly* fan-focused, and recently (with zero anything to really promote), he’s been posing for cute pics and chatting with randos on the streets of NYC. I recently read that his mgmt team is no longer with him, but that sort of folds into my feeling that he’s not pursuing anything biz-wise, hence no need to jump through those particular hoops (I think he’s also struggled with a lot of demons, so yeah, why add one more). Could he be adrift? Maybe, but the next guy is the posterman for lack of focus….

* Liam. Honestly, I worry about Liam most of all. His post-1D career seems very much adrift, and I like to joke that he’s giving me that tell-all about the D one sentence at a time, but goddamn, are people listening? The struggles with alcohol, the lack of focus on every level, the reliance on his dad’s career advice (which more clearly reflects his dad’s financial class, background, and history than it does Liam’s), and the overall confusion about look, sound, and direction also flow back directly into his team. I get the feeling that they aren’t sure what to do because LIAM isn’t sure what to do or what he wants, so they follow in his wake. He’s agreeable to a fault, so seeing him at a meet-and-greet at an HMV in Birmingham last week felt like a step back into 2010 for no real reason, just like hearing that he was more or less coerced into full nude photoshoots for an underwear ad (the decisions to say yes to both of those—who’s steering this ship? If it’s Liam, he needs to tell the team his overall goal, so they can plot a course he and his fans can follow; if it’s the team, ditto). Like Niall, Liam’s actually pretty good at the SM game: lots of selfies, snapchat filters, outfits, gym service, twitter interactions. But generally speaking, his promo is confusing, and that’s probably because there isn’t much *to* promote at this point, other than a mix of collabs, clothing endorsements, spon con, horse farms, and an album that’s always on the horizon. This might be tied to the general post-1D jolt they all went through, like a plane coming off autopilot and into the hands of someone who’s just learning how to fly it. Zayn debuted at number one, so his bump wasn’t as harsh, but the others are slowly, steadily finding their footing after taking some time to find themselves and their sound, releasing songs/albums, performing (or in Louis’s case, going through unspeakable tragedy). Liam’s still adrift…and somewhat admittedly, which is kind of telling in its own way. Just know that my nervousness on his behalf ratchets up every time he feels the urge to assure us all that he’s happy.

* Niall. Truly the one following the original 1D template, right down to working with most of the same people but with more of the overall control in his hands instead of a faceless management squad. Of any of them, he seems the most ambitious, the most scientific about the sound he’s after and how he’s gonna get there. His promo is a mix of new and traditional—radio shows, talk shows, podcasts, special events, twitter interactions with fans, twitter interactions with entertaining celebrities—and it’s all hustle hustle hustle, build build build, as if he were a new ingenue instead of coming up hard on solo album number two. He’s explicit in his goals, which is refreshing, but it means he walks a weird line with fans: on one hand, he’s done with their bullshit, get ready to get rekt if you start commenting on his boring food seasoning or home décor. But on the other hand, he fully recognizes how much he needs them, which is why we get so many peeks into his “normal” life (yet zero percent of his actual personal life). It’s also probably why the blatant tweets of the last two days seem so jarring to me (I might be alone on this one, but I’m not a fan of directives in general, and asking me to call radio stations on behalf of a rich white man to become even richer just rubs me the wrong way, same with asking me to stream stuff to get you to number one…you’ve been there, buddy, how about you calm down and build some character at number 51). And speaking of calming down, it does fascinate me that both Niall and Louis namecheck Taylor Swift as someone who gets the whole fandom push/pull thing right, so watching them try to reverse-engineer her secrets is fun. Louis nails it (that hotspot treasure hunt: chef’s kiss), but Niall’s heavy-handed easter egg dump in NTMY, she would never!! I think Niall’s team needs to watch “Calm Down” about five more times before they try that again.

* Louis. I think Louis honestly has an AMAZING team in place, and they’re all clearly on his side, which makes for a refreshing change. Like Niall, he has publicly praised Taylor Swift for how she engages with her fans, but I think he’s missing a key point: she doesn’t let her fans dictate strategy, and I HOPE that’s the case for Louis, too. His old team *was* shit, so yeah, encouraging people to do fan projects to get the word out was a good idea, but turning that spigot off to let a good (paid) team step in and take over has been, uh, challenging. He’s dealt with more than his fair share of personal tragedy, but every time he gets some momentum going, it feels like something bts pushes him back off track, and he tends to keep it private, which only makes his hardest-core fans scream “sabotage.” Rightly so, he’s focusing on his personal life, and rightly so, his team is giving him the space to do that, even when it costs cash money and throws a lot of shit seriously for a loop. It makes my heart soar to see the potential of what his team can do/is doing, how much space he’s being allowed to process what he needs to process. Weirdly, that’s an unpopular opinion, and a lot of people want to indulge in an angst wank fest where Louis’s the victim of a terrible team that won’t DO anything (nevermind the fact that he’s probably ASKED them not to do anything), so they undertake a tremendous amount of performative unpaid labor that ends up being counterproductive on just about every front. Even worse, most of them can’t seem to process the fact that losing your mum is a blow, losing your SISTER is a blow, juggling other siblings or close friends handling some serious demons of their own in the aftermath of all of *that* is a blow, let alone handling your own personal coping mechanisms, nope, they want Louis to release release release, perform perform perform, c’mon, what’s holding him back, he *said* he wanted to release an album this year, there’s “no reason” for a delay, gotta be his shitty team, free him. It drives me ‘round the bend because it’s the same talk from late last year, you know, when we later found out that at least one family member was losing a fight with drug addiction. Louis’s fan engagement/promo is therefore hella fraught: he has to balance LouisTM on twitter (Mr. Donny, he’s hard, mate), his werk IG posts, and his constant edging because nobody can remember or trust that he’s got this, that multiple things are in play. But he also knows his fanbase, knows that it’s resistant to any kind of change, so I hope he pushes through and stays true to what he wants to do. I was really encouraged with his last promo round because he seems to have narrowed in on a something solid, he’s got a plan, and it’s not, “hey mr dj, put my record on,” it’s getting his fans to trust that he and his team know what the fuck they’re doing, and spoiler alert, it ain’t radio, but go ahead and keep pissing off djs by sending angry tweets their way. (Related: why is it so bad to avoid the radio when all of us admit that radio music is garbage? Is it because it’s more about you than him? Much to think about.)

* Harry. My very favorite head canon is that Harry is Jeff’s nightmare client: what was perfection at first because the Azoffs are old-school promo all the way (no SM, baby, gimme that sweet, sweet paper), and that dovetailed nicely with post-1D Harry, but it quickly veered into mulish teeth pulling. Low profile can quickly spin into no profile, and that really doesn’t work too well when you’re trying to sell sell sell, even if your brand is Harry StylesTM. HS1 and Dunkirk in their own separate ways worked VERY hard to push past the still-persistent way the general public views Harry as boybander Harry Styles, or more accurately, former boybander Harry Styles who dated Taylor Swift (if you venture out and ask someone who’s not a fan), but what I love about Harry is that much like Zayn, he doesn’t seem to be too bothered by all that. Sure, he’s ambitious, he wants to challenge himself and do things, but he’s no Niall Horan. He’s put in his time! If he gets a number one, then cool, but he’s not gonna chase it. And this is where Harry’s team really reflects his goals and energy: sure, they want him to do some promo (that “Do” tweet, the entire bit about the fan in Australia and Harry Lambert’s follow, goddddd, I loved it, petty Harry, resigned Jeff), but they clearly aren’t forcing him. He drops a song that makes a HUGE splash, and the follow-up is…liking some tweets and going to a John Mayer concert (not a John Mayer fan, so that wouldn’t be my first choice, but I respond to the zero fucks given about the whole thing). The music industry has changed a LOT in just two years, so it’s kind of cool to see team Harry pivoting a bit, seeing more SM interaction, the kindness generator, etc., but that said, the team takes their cues from him, and he clearly doesn’t want to do a whole promo circuit beyond persons a, b, and c, and magazine R, F, and A. Does it make sense to have Rob Sheffield write a profile about Stevie Nicks-blessed shroom-eater Harry Styles when his new song sounds like the Zarry combo of my dreams? NOPE, but that’s okay, Harry wanted to talk to Rob, so that’s what happened. The new song is more streaming friendly, and thank CHRIST, a lot less crusty white dude stuck in the ‘70s, so I can only hope that the rest of the album is thus, but we shall see! We’ll also see if Harry’s fan engagement shifts any further into the active zone…so far, it’s been “I’m gonna follow some larries, like these fun generator posts, check out a few dads” and staged photo ops with the same familiar faces, but I think he’s dealing with his own major bts issues as well (album delayed at least twice; that entire stalking situation). I still contend the album’s coming in the next few weeks, so it’ll be interesting to see if/how any additional promo rolls out in this new world order post-gryles landscape, how many interviews he’ll do, but I like that there’s a strategy that seems less stodgy…kudos to the new SM team, at least!!

Oh man, that got really long! Hope you enjoyed, and YES, opinions opinions opinions, and they’ll be stupid in about three weeks’ time, thanks for coming to my already dated buzzfeed article

[mendesnecessary]

A real-life fairytale -  Shawn Mendes one shot

A/N: Here am I after so long hihihi hope you guys like it, soon I’ll be releasing some of my drafts (there are a lot) and yeah, that’s it. If you like please reblog and give the heart on the post ❤️

Summary: Y/n and Shawn are attending the same event and finally they get to know each other properly, even if to the children they are Ariel and Eric.

Word count: 1.919 

Fame and charity were two things that they had in common at first. 

Fame because Shawn was a singer and y/n an actress.

Charity because they both loved to give their money to help others. 

And their good hearts are the reason why there are a lot of famous people walking around the orphanage that night. The two biggest donations coming from both of them. 

Y/n smooths her green and purple dress taking a deep breath once the car stops in the entrance of the event. Some cameras ready to take the best or worsts shots from her first appearance after one whole week away. A week that she took to enjoy her family and close friends after a long time filming a new movie. Safe to say that the audience was crazy about the new piece. 

Once her long hells click in the ground the flashes took place. 

"y/n, is it true that you and Nick Robinson are going to end as a couple in the new movie?” 

“How is your relationship with him off the cameras?”

“Turn around!” 

She takes a deep breath once again, stopping at the red carpet and smiling to the sea of people trying to take some shots and details of her dress and makeup. No worries about how she was felling, only trying to sell the image. 

“Are you excited to the fans reaction?”

“Here, y/n, look at here!!”

“Can you describe it with one word?!” 

She waves, wanting to get out of the carpet like never before. Y/n only needed to see some of the children she was helping, hear their laughs and be put inside the bubble of peace and love that was so normal around people with a simple life. 

And no, don’t get her wrong. Y/n loves who she is, the role she plays and the people she is able to meet, but with all the fame the things that seem so simple suddenly become so far out of reach. She only wishes they could see that underneath there’s an ordinary girl. 

Her manager points to the bottom of the carpet where a reporter waited for her waving sympathetically. Y/n turned around to show better her dress just like everyone was expecting and then walked to the interview. 

“Look who we got here!!!” Montana, a reporter that every once in a while used to interview y/n greeted her. “You look amazing tonight”

“Awe, thank you” a small and shy smile made the way to y/n’s lips.

“So, first things first. How are you feeling knowing that you were one of the biggest donations of the night?”

“Complete. Really, help others whenever you can is one of the things that renew your soul.” 

“What about the performances of tonight?” 

“I read that the Jonas Brothers are going to sing, that’s the only thing that matters for my old-Disney-addicted-heart.” she jokes and Montana lets a laugh scapes. "Also, I’m excited to watch Alessia Cara.”

“Now, going the movie scene, what should we expect for the new work that you’ve been working?” 

“A lot. We finished this month and even knowing about everything I was emotional at the end.” 

“So you guys heard, don’t forget to go to the movie theater with your tissue” the reporter turned to the cameraman winking to the audience.

The almost calm sea of photographers started to make noise again, catching the attention of Montana and y/n.

“Oh, prince charming just arrived” 

“And by prince charming, she means Shawn Mendes” y/n explains to the camera giving it a thumb up and holding back a giggle. 

“A real-life prince and I really mean it. Are you two friends?” Montana asks turning back to y/n.

“We never really talked, but he’s a great singer.” 

“BBC news is uniting you two, the perfect scenario,” she speaks before calling out Shawn’s name. 

“Hey, Montana” Shawn greets her with a big smile and does the same to y/n taking his time to appreciate her pretty face.  

“We got here two of the biggest donations of the night. How are you feeling about today, Shawn?” She starts at the camera but turns to the singer at the end.

“I’m really glad I can help, that’s the perfect thing to do after ending a world tour, somehow relaxes the mind. I don’t know how to put into words, but yeah...that’s it” 

“Now, going to the topic of friendship. Do you and y/n know each other?!” 

“Unfortunately, we don’t” he is fast to answer and look at her with something you could tell as a shy smile. “I mean, I know her but she doesn’t know me” he jokes.

“What do you mean?” Montana gives him a curious look.

“I follow her, she doesn’t follow me” 

“Wow, that’s cruel, Y/n!” 

“What?! But I do follow him on Spotify” y/n arches her eyebrows. 

“Y/n, you can’t flirt in the Spotify app, go follow him on Instagram!” Montana spills and suddenly y/n’s cheeks are getting a new color. 

Shawn laughs clapping his hand surprised about the guts in Montana to throw them at each other in front of a live interview.

“Our time is off, now you two go take some pics together and if the flirt thing works don’t forget to thanks us!” 

Y/n and Montana exchange kisses in each other cheeks and Shawn wave politely before looking at y/n. They both head to the middle of the red carpet again, this time side by side. Shawn holds her middle and she puts her hand in his chest looking for stability. Both smiling wide to the cameras and ignoring all the questions about a date. 

“How are you feeling after filming that blast of a movie?” Shawn asks while they walking inside the event leaving all the mess behind.

“You saw the trailer?! I almost got an injury behind the scenes and the whole story...damn I knew everything but still, in the end, I was emotional as fuck.” She confesses. You could feel the true and the excitement in her voice. Shawn was fast to notice how pure was her love with the job.

“I saw it of course! Can’t wait to watch it in the movie theater. Thank god I’m home from tour and can get prepared to be the first in the room, so that way I can’t get spoilers.” 

Y/n giggles.

“Oh, I was just going to tell you about the part when my ch...” 

His eyes go wide and y/n stops herself to laugh with the scene.

“Chill out, rock star, not gonna spoil” she bumps into him.

“We should watch it together”

“Are you inviting me to a date that includes watching myself in the movie theater?”

He couldn’t tell if she was joking or about to say no to him, but once his cheeks started to burn y/n giggles.

“Hell yeah, I’m in, but I thought we were going to flirt on Instagram first” her innocent smile catches her lips and before Shawn could answer something properly his manager showed up.

“There you are, let’s go, you’re performing now” 

“Go, rock star” 

Two famous models that y/n didn’t remember the name was opening the event, telling about how important the donations were and how happy the children got once they knew that their foster house was going to get reformed and they were meeting their idols. Once the speech is over Shawn walks in the stage, there are colorful balloons everywhere and he just gots all of her attention, not because he was wearing a simple button up white shirt, but because he was captivating...and well...he was staring at her once in a while. 

He sang two of three songs that got the kids and all the adults singing along and doing some dance moves before he ends up and call out the Jonas Brothers. They two danced some teenage years songs and even the new ones, and it was like that till the performances were over and the event take roll. 

Shawn and y/n were sitting in the ground playing with two little toddlers and their caregiver that had a huge smile on her face, he could tell that she was probably a fan of y/n.

He was thinking about more things to talk with her once they get to be alone again, but a girl walking closer got his attention.

“Hey there” Shawn smiles encouraging her to keep walking since her steps were somehow able to tell how shy she was. 

Once close enough she studies his face with wide eyes. Y/n got caught by the situation in front of her and watches.

“Oh my god, you are prince Eric, aren’t you?” she asks before another girl appears by her side.

“He got those things in the eyes, so it gots brown and we can’t discover that he is the real Eric.”

Shawn holds back a giggle realizing they talking about contact lenses.

“And she is Ariel! She’s Ariel, guys!!!” It’s time to a boy approaches pointing to y/n. 

“How are you breathing outside the sea?” the first girl asks curiously.

“Lena, haven’t you watched the full movie?! She got the kiss from the prince and become human and stuff” this one appears to have probably seven or eight years.

Y/n and Shawn exchange glances with each other, almost silence talking about what to do. Should they pretend to be a Disney couple and keep the flame inside the kid's heart, or should they tell them the truth?! 

The caregiver glances at the couple, holding one of the toddles and deciding that she could give them a lead of what would be good to the kids.

“Ariel” She called and y/n instinctively looked.

“SEE!!!!” One of the girls almost screamed. “She looked, she’s Ariel!” 

The caregiver nods and y/n giggles deciding to get into the real-life fairy tale. 

“Can I touch your hair?” the second girl asks approaching y/n with her hands stretched. 

“Of course, come here” she calls and the girl gives her a big smile sitting by her side, ignoring all the toys and focusing her attention in y/n’s red hair. She had the new color because of the movie and somehow she thought it went good, not wanting to go back to the natural strands once it was finished. 

Shawn notices that even her clothes were somehow remembering of the little mermaid. The green and purple dress just like the green tale of the little mermaid doll in one of the girl's hand. 

“Prince Eric, can you take us to meet the castle?!” 

“Yeah! A tea party with the other princesses. Call Belle and Adam, she’s my second favorite after Ariel and I don’t fear the beast anymore!!!” 

Shawn laughs giving the children a nod. 

That’s how their night at the foster house goes: pretending to be a Disney couple and nothing in the world could pay the glow in the kids’ eyes. 

“So you’re a great actor too for what I could see this night” y/n starts while they wait for her driver in the back exit of the orphanage. 

“You thought I was acting?! Well, I am pretty sure I’m your real-life prince, madam.” 

 She laughs at his cheese talk. 

“I’ll see you around, Eric”

“I hope so, Ariel” he kisses her cheeks and closes the car door. 

Later that night his cellphone buzzes informing new interactions on Instagram. Y/n had followed him and sent a DM.

“You know, like Montana said it is easier to flirt if I follow you back” 

Requests are open here and this is my masterlist 

Like and reblog if you like it!!! 

[artificialqueens]

Échappé / Chapter 5 (Branjie) - DenDenMonMon

A/N: Thank you so so much for reading!!

AO3 Link

Chapter 5

“I just don’t understand what you are so mad about,” Yvie spoke from her position on the bed. She was laying on her back, throwing a ball in the air and catching it when it bounced back from the low ceiling.

Trixie yelled from the other room. Her voice was muffled as she tried on yet another dress. “You got the money, plus you get to go out with a cute girl. Win - win, bitch.” There was a moment of silence, and then the click-clack of heels getting closer.

Yivie sat up straight. “When was the last time you went on a date, Vanjie?”

Vanessa looked up from her spot on her bed, right next to Yvie’s. She was still wrapped in a towel. She had no idea how long she had been sitting there, but her hair had dried already.

“This ain’t no date.”

Her answer was pronounced just as Trixie walked in, rolling her eyes. “The thing literally says dinner and dancing,” she reminded Vanessa, her tone of voice made it sound like the most obvious thing in the world. “Isn’t that what normal people do on dates?”

“Since when are we normal?” Vanessa asked with a twist of her lips.

Trixie laughed and twirled in front of the mirror, holding her dress to get a better view of it. She looked beautiful, and she knew it. Vanessa didn’t have to point it out. Still, she couldn’t help but compare herself to her friend. Trixie had taken hours just to get ready for her date with Katya. She had been exuding happiness ever since the night before when, just as promised, Katya had paid an exaggerated amount just to take her out. Of course, it had been nowhere near what Brooke paid, but it was still a lot of money. Vanessa was no expert in math but, with Brooke’s and Katya’s donation, they should at least be close to their goal to save the center.

Yvie’s question resounded in her head. Vanessa really didn’t have a reason to be mad. Was she even mad? She knew anger, and that was not was she was feeling. There was something, there was a strong, unidentified emotion invading her senses. She felt as if she were walking underwater, but she didn’t know what she needed to break back to surface.

“Look what I got for Katya.” Trixie bounced on the bed next to Vanessa, bursting her out of her bubble. Trixie opened a small box to reveal a pair of earrings. They were two plastic circles with green and black rhinestones in the middle, shaped in the form of eyes.

Yvie scooted forward to take a look as well. “Oh, my God. Those are so weird and perfect. Your girlfriend is gonna love them.”

Her shoulders shimmied with excitement as Trixie put the box back into her purse. “She’s not my girlfriend, though. We don’t want to talk about that until their tour is over. You know they are leaving next weekend.” Trixie pouted childishly, before turning to Vanessa. “Have you and Brooke talked about that?”

“‘Bout what?” Vanessa asked confused.

“About what’s going to happen to you guys when she’s gone,” Trixie clarified.

Vanessa looked at her as if she had suddenly grown a second head. “What would we do that for?”

Now it was Yvie’s turn to roll her eyes. “Girl, c’mon.”

“No!” Vanessa heard herself snapping. “Don’t ‘girl, come on’ me. I seriously don’t know where you are getting all this bullshit from.”

The ground was once again being settled for battle. Trixie did not have the time nor patience to go through yet another match between Yvie and Vanessa. She placed a hand on Yvie’s arms and nodded slightly, physically communicating an ‘I’ve got this’.

“Okay, you have been avoiding it for way too long, let’s talk about this. What’s up with you and Brooke?”

Vanessa shook her head, her hands going up in the air dramatically. “That’s the problem here. Nothing’s up. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Do you wish there was?” Trixie asked carefully.

The subject was being pushed, Vanessa knew as much. But she also knew Trixie was not coming after her, she was simply trying to help her, letting her know it was safe to talk about her feelings.

It took a moment for Vanessa to reply. To be able to answer her friend’s question, she needed to really think about what she felt. Although, she didn’t have any actual feelings for Brooke, not really. Sure, Vanessa enjoyed spending time with her while they were preparing for the competition. It was during the event that things went south. Still, that didn’t say much about the status of their relationship, if there even was one. They were not even friends. They were two strangers who happened to come together for the same cause.

Then why did Vanessa feel her heart clenching every time she saw Brooke?

How come it had taken every ounce of will-power to stop herself from picking up Brooke’s calls?

Why did Vanessa’s days seem so empty when she wasn’t texting Brooke every other minute?

“I… the fuck do I know?” Vanessa stood up, pacing the small space between the beds. “Even if I did, even if there was a teeny-tiny idea somewhere in the back of my head, it’s not like anything can happen, you know? She’s always, like, traveling around the stupid world, going to, like, fucking Atlantis or some other weird place I can’t even pronounce.”

“That’s not a valid reason,” Trixie pointed out. “If you really wanna make things work, you will figure it out. That’s what Katya and I will be doing.”

Vanessa snapped her fingers in front of her, rejecting Trixie’s comment. “No, Mamma, but you and Katya are declared lesbians. You were probably renting the damn moving truck on your first date.” There was no denying, Trixie simply laughed as Vanessa continued. “I don’t even know if Brooke likes girls,” she confessed, her voice getting smaller with each word.

“Well, has Katya mentioned anything about Brooke being queer?” Yvie asked Trixie, who shook her head no.

“Nah. I mean she hasn’t said what Brooke is, but Katya believes everybody should be at least a little gay. So don’t trust her as a source.”

Yvie nodded, laughing softly. “Okay, then, why don’t you take tonight as your chance to figure that out?” Her question was directed to Vanessa. “Of course, you need to figure out what you want first, otherwise, you won’t know what to do with the information she’s gonna give you.”

With a grunt, Vanessa left the room and went into the bathroom.

The subject was dropped or, better yet, it was left hanging in the air. Vanessa ran a brush through her hair, and still felt the bunch of questions flying above her head. She decided to leave them there, scared to pick even one down and give it an actual answer. If she ignored them, if she didn’t pay attention to the latent doubts of her heart, she could pretend as if they were not there and carry on her merry destructive way.

She didn’t spend more time than usual putting her makeup on, Vanessa didn’t think so, at least. She picked a green dress that showed off her shoulders, which meant that she had to style her hair to fall on her back. The black gloves were probably a little much, but she needed them to match the black bra that stuck out from the top of her dress. The long earrings were definitely a lot, she decided as she waited outside to be picked up. It wasn’t as if she could change them now.

A black SUV parked right in front of her, and she recognized it to be Brooke’s. Vanessa saw a short guy getting down, he walked around the vehicle, and opened the door to the back seat.

“Hi, good evening. I’m Ben,” he said with a huge smile as he waved frantically at her. “We haven’t been properly introduced, but I know you are Vanessa.” He extended his hand to her. As soon as Vanessa took it, she was regretting it. Ben shook her hand with much more strength than necessary. “Have heard so many things about you.”

She tried not to flinch and waited until her hand was released. “Only the good ones, I hope,” Vanessa joked as she rubbed one hand with the other, trying to get rid of the faint pain on the bones of her fingers.

Ben laughed loudly. “I was informed you were exceptionally funny, yes. Now, come on, jump in. Brooke is already waiting at the restaurant.”

Vanessa eyed the opened door, then craned her neck to look through the passenger’s seat window. “Is anybody else coming?”

Never losing the smile, even when confusion was clear on his features, Ben shook his head. “Just the two of us.”

“Then why am I riding in the back? I call shotgun, bitch!”

“Ah, of course! As you wish.”

Part of the car ride was done with Vanessa quietly looking out the window, as Ben hummed softly behind the wheel. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was simply two people pleasantly sharing the same space. The light atmosphere helped Vanessa gather the courage to ask a few questions. If she was there to figure out what the deal with Brooke was, she should gather information from all available sources.

“Yo, Ben,” Vanessa started, moving herself so she could face him completely, her back was flat against the door. “You been working with Brooky for long?”

The driver threw a quick glance in her direction, before returning his attention to the road. “About ten years or so.”

Vanessa nodded. “Mmhmm-mmhmm. So you are, like, her personal assistant or somethin’?”

Ben chuckled softly. “Not at all. I’m just her driver when she’s in Los Angeles.”

Her eyes grew wide. “She has a driver at every city she goes to?”

This time, Ben’s laughter boomed loudly inside the confined space. “It’s not like that. I’m pretty sure she only hires me because of the history we have.”

“Oh, so you have history together, like…” Vanessa didn’t want to really say the word, so she tried to move her hands in a way that they could express what she was thinking. She probably looked dumb crashing her palms together like that.

“Jesus, no!” Ben looked offended, as if she had just said the craziest thing in the world. “She’s an amazing friend. She got me a job when I needed one, which helped me start my own car and limo rental. Usually, I’m not the one driving these days, but it’s the least I can do for her. She’s truly an amazing person.”

“Yeah,” Vanessa whispered. “Heard that one before”

The thought stayed with her for the next few minutes. Since they met, Vanessa had heard nothing but amazing things about Brooke, about how she was always willing to help her friends, and how she used her financial advantage in favor of others. The thing that struck Vanessa the most, was Brooke’s background story. It was hard to picture Brooke as anything other than wealthy. She was always throwing money away, seemingly carelessly. It didn’t really look like she was a person who had to struggle for it; or maybe that was just it, Brooke had fought so hard to get where she was financially, that she wanted to help others get to that point.

Vanessa was still trying to unravel her thoughts when her door was opened. A nice gentleman helped her down, and Ben went around the car to inform him that Vanessa was there for the reservation under ‘Hytes’. The men shared a nod and Vanessa was led inside.

The restaurant was elegant. People in fancy clothes sat around small tables, instrumental music played as background noise, mixing with the sounds of their conversations. Vanessa observed them as she allowed the maître d’ to navigate their way to the back of the place. They went around a thin wall and the head of waiters slid a door open.

“Miss Hytes is already waiting for you.”

Just as he promised, Brooke stood up from her chair as soon as Vanessa walked in. The place was small, Vanessa wouldn’t dare to call it intimate; but there was nobody else but them in the private room. A single table was set in the middle of the space, two chairs placed across from each other. Red roses and short candles adorned the middle of the table. There was a bucket with a probably expensive wine next to it.

As her eyes travelled through the room, Vanessa didn’t notice that Brooke had walked to her.

“Hi,” Brooke greeted her, taking hold of Vanessa’s shoulders and kissing the air on each side of her cheeks. “I told them this wasn’t necessary,” she clarified. “The owner insisted.”

“Is this for reals?” Vanessa’s hand moved vaguely around them.

Brooke nodded almost apologetically. “Come. Sit.”

Vanessa hadn’t noticed the young man was still there, patiently waiting for their awkward greetings to be done, until he moved to help Brooke back into her seat. She thanked him with a polite smile and he moved to pull out Vanessa’s chair, so she could sit opposite to Brooke. He offered them large leather folders that listed the food available, and excused himself.

The menu was in French, or maybe Italian. Vanessa could try and recognize some of the words, because they looked a lot like Spanish, but she wasn’t sure.

“Oh, child. These numbers better be the calories count, ‘cause there’s no way those are the prices.”

Brooke laughed cordially, because that was how people were expected to laugh at places like that one. “Don’t worry about it. It’s my treat.”

“Nah, you already paid too much money. Lemme cover this one thing.” Vanessa had her purse between her leg and the armrest of the chair, she clutched it closer to her body nervously. She had stuffed two wrinkled fifty dollar bills in there and, right before she left the apartment, she took her credit card with her. She wasn’t planning on using it, it was an afterthought in case of emergencies. The situation didn’t really qualify as an emergency, but there was no doubt the card was going to be needed.

The soft music was barely audible, yet Brooke’s seemed to recognize the melody and her head would bob to the rhythm. Vanessa had to admit that, if anything, Brooke belonged in this elegant environment. The blonde hair that was usually pulled back tightly was now flowing down in soft waves. Brooke’s eyes had heavy makeup around them and her lips were bright red. She looked graceful, refined, in her element.

Vanessa felt everything but those.

Placing her menu down, Vanessa took a deep breath and cleared her throat. “Hey, so, umm, this place is, like, very pretty and all but…” she made a pause, really trying to pick her words to express what she was thinking without hurting Brooke’s feelings. “I just… I don’t know. I feel all weird in here.”

Brooke followed her moves and closed the menu. “Really, you don’t have to worry about the money.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s not that,” Vanessa promised, even when it was very much that.

“Then what is it?” The tone of Brooke’s voice was dry, almost annoyed, and Vanessa had to review her words just to make sure she hadn’t said anything that could be upsetting.

“I just don’t like it here, okay? I feel very uncomfortable,” she stopped when she saw Brooke’s face fall. “Okay. Never mind. Forget I said anything. Look, I get it, you paid a lot for this. This is your night out, and we are gonna do whatever you like. I shouldn’t be complaining. I’m sorry.”

There was a beat of silence. Vanessa could feel her cheeks getting hotter as Brooke looked at her, analyzing her features like a trained scanner.

Brooke’s elbow came to rest on the table and her chin landed on her fist. “Why do you dislike me so much?”

The question took Vanessa by surprise. Out of all the things that she had expected to come from her rambling, that was definitely not one of them. Vanessa knew she hadn’t really given any signs that she didn’t like Brooke. Actually, she had feared she had shown a little more interest than she was getting in return. Of course, she wasn’t just about to let Brooke know that. Vanessa tried not to look away from Brooke’s searching eyes. They simply stared at each other as the question became heavier and heavier between them.

Finally, an answer came. “Girl, you wilding.” Vanessa knew that wasn’t an actual explanation, but she wasn’t sure she could deal walking down that path.

Brooke retrieved her arms, letting her hands fall on her lap. “I know you have been told about my upbringing. I completely disagree with the way the facts were delivered to you. That is delicate information that, no offense, you had no business finding out, even less if it didn’t come directly from me. Yes, I do come from a bad neighborhood, and you must think that gives you an idea of who I am. You probably think differently of me by now, so I am more than happy to clarify any doubts, if you have any.”

“There’s nothing wrong with–” Vanessa tried to intervene but was interrupted.

“I know there isn’t. I also know my past doesn’t define me. I made a name for myself. I am a hard working, talented, successful woman who doesn’t give up until she achieves her goals.”

“Bitch, you forgot humble, too,” Vanessa added with a chuckle.

Brooke’s face broke into a grin. “One should never minimize their gifts. Those are meant to be shown, talked about, bragged about.” Her hands went up in the air exaggeratedly, provoking a loud laugh from Vanessa.

“Aight, aight. Well, did you know I have a gift for finding the best tacos in town?” Vanessa wiggled her eyebrows, but got no immediate reply. “Please,” she tried a different approach. “Can we do something, like, more laid back? Look, Trixie is out with Katya, and Yvie is working. Why don’t we go get those tacos and take them back to the apartment? It’s probably a mess right now but we still got Silky’s Netflix password, we can watch something stupid while we eat, huh?”

It took a few seconds of Brooke biting her bottom lip before she agreed. She called the waiter and asked for the check, which only included the wine they hadn’t touched. In an attempt to chip in, Vanessa offered to cover the tip. Brooke had stated the fifty dollar bill in Vanessa’s hand was enough, and Vanessa placed it on the table with a heavy heart, but didn’t say anything.

The other bill was put into much better use. It got them ten tacos and two horchatas from Tacos Tu Madre, where Ben had happily taken them to before dropping them at Vanessa’s.

Just like she had mentioned, the place was complete chaos. Three girls living together meant a lot of clothes, shoes, and makeup thrown carelessly around the entire apartment. Vanessa swore it was an organized mess, meaning she knew exactly where her stuff was scattered, and had no issue finding exactly what she needed at all times.

“You see that blue sweater over that chair?” She asked Brooke as they dropped their take out on the coffee table. “If you lift it, you are gonna find a shirt I got from the 5k color run.”

Brooke looked at the pile of clothes but didn’t move.

“It’s clean, bitch!” Vanessa assured her with a laugh. “Do you really think I would leave dirty laundry in the middle of the living room?”

With a doubtful look around, Brooke shrugged her shoulders. “Honestly, I don’t know what to expect.”

Still laughing, Vanessa walked to her and lifted the sweater herself, revealing exactly what she had said. There was a white t-shirt that was way too big for her, but Vanessa had proudly taken home when she finished the charity event.

“Aha! Didn’t I tell you?!” Vanessa smiled triumphantly, throwing the garment in Brooke’s direction, who caught it out of reflex more than anything else. “I’m gonna change into my PJ’s. You can put this on, if it makes you feel more comfortable.” She walked to the other end of the room, pushed a door open and turned on the lights. “You can change in the bathroom. Lemme get you some sweats, or somethin’.”

Brooke looked lost for a minute but did as she was told anyway.

An hour later, Vanessa was curled up on the end of the couch. Brooke took most of the space as she relaxed, spread across the small couch. Her legs looked particularly long in the tiny pair of shorts she had borrowed from Vanessa. Originally, the garment covered most of Vanessa’s thighs but it ended just below Brooke’s butt.

The TV played a baking competition and both Brooke and Vanessa, with not a single clue of how to make cupcakes, agreed that they would’ve done a much better job than the team being booted off the show. Brooke explained to Vanessa how their personalities matched perfectly. She reminded her they had already proven they could work as a team. That was when Vanessa remembered their conversation from earlier that night.

“I do like you, you know?” The words left Vanessa’s mouth without asking her permission, a thing that happened more often than not.

Brooke blinked a couple of times after the confession, which made Vanessa nervous. It was hard to read what Brooke was thinking, she simply sat there, staring at her for the longest time before she found her voice to respond.

“You have a very peculiar way of showing it.” Sarcasm was evident in the tone of Brooke’s voice, and the side grin sealed the joke.

“Well, shit.” Vanessa laughed. “You are not exactly made of fucking rainbows and hugs and kisses, ya know? It’s hard to know how to act around you.”

Those words seemed to touch a tender spot, because suddenly Brooke looked down. “Yeah, I get that a lot.” She played with the napkin in her hand, twisting it around her finger a couple of times before she looked back up. “It can’t possibly be that hard to get me, is it?”

Vanessa shook her head effusively. “Hey, it’s not your fault. You have this dance empire, and all these people looking up to you. Plus, you are mad talented. Bitches get intimidated by that. If they don’t get you, then it’s their loss, ‘cause anybody who sees you dance should call themselves lucky.”

“How do you know that, you have never really seen me dance? Like, on a stage, with the whole production, and all,” Brooke tried to discredit the compliment.

A wave of Vanessa’s hand dismissed her comment. “Don’t have to, girl. I have an eye for these things, you see?”

Brooke threw her head back, nerves making her laugh exaggeratedly. “You should see the show. The last performance is this weekend, why don’t you come?”

“I probably won’t understand any of that princess dance. You really want me between all those fancy people?”

“What are you talking about? Don’t be silly. I totally want you there.” Extending her leg, Brooke pushed her big toe to Vanessa’s ribs. “I like you too, by the way.”

She didn’t think about it, Vanessa pushed Brooke’s leg to the side, and moved closer to her. “You do?”

“Of course! You are funny, and clever, and such a talented dancer. What’s not to like?”

Vanessa shook her head. “Oh, girl, don’t do me like that if you don’t mean it.”

Brook looked offended. “Why would I–”

She was unable to finish her sentence, Vanessa’s mouth swallowed the rest of the words as she crashed her lips with Brooke’s.

Vanessa didn’t realize what she was doing until she felt two hands pushing her away by the shoulders.

“Wha-what are you doing?” Brooke asked surprised.

For a moment they both looked at each other in confusion.

Vanessa moved closer, testing the boundaries. “Do you want me to stop?” She asked in all seriousness.

“I-I don’t think so,” Brooke replied a little doubtful, but didn’t move away. “No.”

Vanessa closed the gap between them, and spoke against Brooke’s lips. “You let me know if you change your mind, alright?”

[itsinvisiblelocket91]

13 years of Taylor. (This is long. I’m sorry)

So I’ve decided to tell my story on how I found Taylor and the Impact she’s had one me, and what she’s helped me through the past 13 years. I figure it’s appropriate to do this during the Lover era and 13 years of Taylor!!

I’ll start with when I was 16 (almost 17) and sitting in the dark on my couch with a blanket wrapped around me. I was just skimming through the channels and landed on the ACM Awards. There was a tiny, tall, kinky ,curly, blonde headed girl in a black jacket and denim jeans and a guitar, sitting on a stool. All the sudden she tears it off and goes into dramatics of why this boy should have said no. Soon to go into a rain shower of “no’s”. I absolutely got chills and could not take my eyes off her. She sang in the rain, just drenched, soak and wet but singing her heart out about the boy who did her wrong. She ended the song and I was stunned! She was so happy after her performance. There was a standing ovation and she was so giddy and couldn’t believe the reaction she was getting. So genuine and honest. I replayed and watched it a couple times but at some point I HAD to stop and go to bed. I remember walking up the stairs to my room and decided that I was never gonna forget this girl and I needed to look her stuff up and soon.

Later on I had discovered her debut album “Taylor Swift” but didn’t go into a whole spiral of obsession like I am currently. I had her music on my laptop. I remember me and my friends making horrible remakes of “our song”, “tryin to find a place in this world”, and “Tim McGraw “ if only those video still existed. I started finding posters in magazines of her to hang up on my wall.

One day, my mom came home with the new “fearless” album for me only days after my birthday. I didn’t ask for it, she just got it but I’m so glad she did. The rest of that year, we played that CD to school and back in my moms Jeep. My school was 45 mins away so you can imagine I learned this album QUICK. I was 100% a hopeless romantic in high school and had crazy amount of crushes happening but also learning that they don’t have to like you or they can break up with you through a piece of paper at lunch. I remember wishing the song “15” came sooner for me, but greatful it was there cause even at 17-18 I didn’t know who I was. I felt Taylor was there to help me find that in myself. I was supper shy and definitely made fun of/ bullied in school. It was nice to know someone knew all about it and could let me know how to maybe handle it and all the other things high school came with.

January 13th 2010, my grandpa died of cancer. He had, had it for years at this point. I suddenly couldn’t listen to breathe anymore and still can’t to this day. For some reason it just hits different sense then. He was a father figure to me sense me, my brother and mom lived with my grandma and grandpa after her divorce. Not that my dad wasn’t around. It’s just he was always there to protect me and care for me as much as my mom was.

Soon it was time for me to graduate high school (I graduated early) and I remember being in like a limbo of “what now”. I watched the VMAS that year....2009. I remember watching it live. I burst into my moms room while she was sleeping to tell her what just happened to you. I was so angry. How dare he? You WORKED SO HARD! I laid in bed to mad that I couldn’t do anything. But what else could I do.

Speak Now was then released and I downloaded the album that night. Idky, but I listened to “last kiss” on repeat tell I fell asleep. (Weird I know). At the time I was talking to a certain someone that I never thought would have ever batted an eye in my direction from my high school. I had dated him for a week but it just wasn’t the right time for either of us. Clearly Speak Now said something to me. That night I was in the dark on the phone with him while the moonlight blazed through my blinds. He told me “I would always be of high importance to him and that he wanted to take me out on my birthday” At that moment, I new I needed to jump. I didn’t jump before because I was scared and with other boys I did the same thing before. Nothing.

Speak now told me to do this before you keep regretting not jumping.

I jumped.

I absolutely didn’t have my drivers licenses.

My mom was absolutely out of town

And I absolutely took my car that I would get when legal to drive to go see this boy who gave me a romantic conversation over the phone.

I felt like I was gonna throw up. 100% scared and blaring sparks fly in what was technically my car.

I met him at the park and we went to eat from there in his car.

I couldn’t believe what I was doing. This was jumping.

After that night, that was it. He was it.

I was 19 and 100% sure that this was it.

(Good thing I was right 🥰)

My mom was furious. I even moved out.

I listened to speak now that entire time. It was a huge part of my life. I would cry every time I left him and put on speak now and it would comfort me and I would be ok.

Years go by and then low and be hold RED is debuting

(19 year old jumping from house to house just to be with him. I slept on peoples floors)

My mom had gotten married and moved to Kentucky so I went to visit her. Engaged and sitting in my moms car, my mom comes out of Walgreens with a RED T-shirt, and album for me cause I was begging. I remember hear IKYWT and thinking oh hell, we’re going into something new? I sat in my moms guest room and listened to RED and loved it. I remember thinking how sad I was for Taylor. That this is what love has become for her. Red. Something that will probably end at some point.

That was about the time that the honeymoon phase was fading out for me and my fiancé. It’s funny how that’s like a light switch and you don’t realize what kinda care you have to give and put into your love life until one day, reality hits and you want certain things. Maybe things you both don’t agree on. You start having to grow up and dealing with actual life problems you didn’t see when you were blinded by the infatuation you have for each other. That’s when RED started making sense to me. Fighting and hurting each other cause we’re 20-21 and have no idea what we’re doing. Engaged and love each other but have no clue about life and doing it. That year was my first Taylor Concert with nose bleed seats of course cause I made $7.25 an hour and a friend of mine paid for them. I screamed every word with my poster board and almost broke into tears during the entire thing. I had only wished I could get closer because I wanted to see her face to face for once. I still had the time of my life screaming and jumping around to 22!

(My sign for the red tour)

The RED era started to come to an end and me and my fiancé FINALLY got out first place together. A home that was falling apart, and illegally made into a duplex. No central a/c or heat. Insulation was probably 0% as well. This was the hardest year for us. It was Texas and Texas is brutal with heat. Shake it off debuted and I desperately tried, I promise. I was so excited for this step in Taylor’s Career and was so excited to see what the next step in my life would need to get through it. Another album to help me deal with unknowing in life and my relationship with my fiancé.

One night at midnight, I had no internet to buy an album not any money for album, let alone food in the house. I stayed up all night waiting for the album to download on YouTube that someone posted. I would buy the album which I did and still have but that night I just needed to hear it. I was up tell 5am. I didn’t know that a week later I was going to need this album more than anything.

We had a fight

The fight.

It was horrible. I sat in the dark in our broken home thinking “this can’t be it” I left to my grandmas house the next day in tears and for a week me and him argued, trying to work it out. I couldn’t understand it. I listened to All you had to do was stay like there wasn’t another song to exist. There was a night that I finally got angry. I formed my entire life around this man. How dare you give up on us so easily? I drove down scared and angry and ready to get my stuff while listening to 1989, trying to calm down but the adrenaline was crazy. I get there and that night we both break down and try to ACTUALLY work things out. I listened to Taylor so much that year. 1989 ended up being a staple. I finally got a job and we found a new apartment together. One where our electricity wasn’t $20 a day and I didn’t have to share my trash can with the neighbors. A completely new beginning and trying to heal after such a hard year. Still engaged after 3 years. We finally are getting on track. I even met some amazing people and finally a swiftie who GET ME! Shake it off came on and work and we looked at each other and I’ll never forget it. I made some great friends that I really needed that year. It’s amazing what can happen in 1 year. They ended up being a bridesmaid in my wedding and makeup artist.

YES I SAID MY WEDDING

06/25/16 we finally made it. I walked down the aisle to your in love.

I couldn’t breathe and the a/c in the church was broken in the summer. He was sweating, my dress hit a lantern twice, we joked at the alter with the crowd. It was personal and real and small. Hectic and stressful too.

You disappeared for awhile after this. I couldn’t believe the existent the media, and some reality stars/ rap singers were taking. I was very angry. I was a little confused even and wasn’t sure of what to think. I knew of all the battles at this point that you already were fighting and then this happened. Another limbo without you happened. I had all your music but you were gone. I’m thankful knowing what I do now and that you ended up ok. Better than ok.

You vented your feeling and brought out reputation!!! Naturally this ended up being the year I had to get rid of any toxic friends that I had. I had some actual good friends and I started to see the difference in what I deserved. It also could also do with my age and growing up but still. On top of that, things still ended up being hard for me and my husband that year. We were seeing each other a lot cause of work and we were becoming distant. There was a temptation I had that I didn’t give in to but it hurt. We ended up deciding that we needed to go. Get out of town and leave. We picked up our important belongings and left in 2 weeks tops.

We moved to Kentucky which made me closer to my mom and helped a lot. My husband moved for us away from his family for us and that was everything in itself. I listened to all of her albums on my 14 hour drive from Texas to Kentucky. I was scared beyond belief and with some bumps in the road. We finally made it.

Fast forward to know and it’s been a year in Kentucky and Lover is out.

Me and my husband have decided to try and start a family. That’s how good this move has been for us. We have a 2 bedroom apartment and 2 fur babies. I love the fall here, and Lover has a special place in my heart just like the others. This year has been very good for me and my husband. I was putting up fall decorations a couple days ago and I teared up at the line “this is our place we make the call” I looked around and it WAS ours. I was decorating while he was laughing at his xbox game. We did it. This era is different. I can’t wait to see what this era will show me.

@taylorswift @taylornation

[storytimecatb]

K. So my writing game is clearly a bit off, but i’m just so happy to be writing again. Hopefully i’ll have something better soon. :D :D :D  Im legit so buzzed about this.  i hope you enjoy it xxxxxx (so excited i didn’t proofread. sorry if there are any mistakes!)

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Just picture,, Sitting on the sofa, sun through the blinds, an open window and the sounds of the busy streets, cigarettes and most importantly Van. You both had plans to stay in for the day because he “couldn’t be bothered” to go out. He was sat on the other end of the sofa, his legs rested beside yours.  “Wanna put something on the telly, love?” You could’ve said yes, but you enjoyed just sitting here in his company.  “I’m not in the mood for Tv, is that alright? Maybe some music?”  He hopped off the couch and started fumbling around with the sound system.  “Can’t ever figure this thing out.. so many buttons and you gotta press this thing a million times to find... Got it!” He wasn’t wrong, it was probably the dumbest thing you’ve ever bought. “Why did we buy it?” He shrugged “We have money.. it looked cool.. now I hate the damn thing”  He kept the volume low, but just enough that you couldn’t hear the busy streets. The tea you’ve made for the both of you was getting cold, you sipped on lukewarm tea. Van stared into his mug before looking at you,  “Y/N, you’re lovely.” He leaned back a bit and smiled that goofy smile and mouthed the words ‘I love you’.  Your phone began to vibrate on the coffee table, you saw your sisters name. Van looked to see who it was  “Don’t answer it, she thinks we broke up.” You looked at him “Why the hell would she think that Van?” He sat up and backed away, “She doesn’t fucking like me anyway, she keeps telling you to stay away from me.. so i told her that, hoping she’d quit being a bitch about it.” You sighed, you knew he had good intentions, but always had a stupid way of trying to sort things out.  “Okay, well.. it’s gone to voice mail.” He shifted next to you, and put his hand on your lap  “Heeey, love” his meek voice signified that he was still cautious of you.  “You’re not in the clear, babe.” You finished off the cold tea and got up, leaving Van on the sofa just to make another cup of tea that’d you most likely forget about. Your phone rang again. You looked Van dead in the eyes, slowly placing your cup of tea on the end table “No.” You flew across the room and he reached for the phone.  “Van, give it!” He stood up, with a menacing grin on his face. “Or else what, babe? whatta ya gonna do about it?” You weren’t happy that was for sure.“Van!!” He immediately quit fooling around and handed you the phone.  “Hello?” Amber was only 3 years older than you, but had a distinct motherly tone every time she wanted to “talk”. Which usually meant a lecture about your life decisions. “Y/N, you better not be at Van’s. He’s not good for you, he’s always gone on tour and who knows who he hooks up with on tour.”  You rolled your eyes, and Van sat on the couch with his foot rested on his knee, cigarette in hand watching you pace while you were on the phone. “Amber, it doesn’t matter where I am. What the hell do you keep calling for?” Van snickered at your attempt to be rude. “Whats got your knickers in a twist? Anyway, mum’s selling the house and wants us to help clear the attic.”  You sat beside Van. “Why’s she selling the house?” She scoffed on the other line, “How the hell am I supposed to know? Just show up Sunday and help.” Click.  You put the phone back on the coffee table. “You weren’t wrong about her being a bitch.”  He put his arm around you. “What’d she say, love?” “Mum’s selling the house, and I have to help out Sunday.” You sighed. “Is that a bad thing? Are you okay with it?” He drew circles on the palm of your hand. “No, or.. I’m not sure. We grew up there. Should I feel sad?”  “Its all up to you. However you feel, just know that I’m here to listen.” He kissed your forehead. The sun began to set and you both stayed on the sofa. You looked at Van as he rambled on about Larry’s stupid antics, and music. Flutters filled your stomach and felt like they were going to explode out of you. His smile, and the cute way he would lick his lips, how he brushed his hair back with one hand, it was like falling in love all over again. You got up, and sat on his lap straddling him. “I love you.” You kissed him while he was still talking. “Van, shut up.” You could feel him smile before his lips touched yours. What was once an innocent kiss turned into more. His hand slid up your shirt and he nibbled on your neck. You let out a small gasp and he lightly kissed where he bit you. Suddenly your body craved more of him, and his touch became intoxicating. Things sky rocketed quickly and most of your clothing was on the floor. Van laid you down on the sofa, He brushed hair out of your face, and smiled at you.  “What?” He bit his lip, “You’re just gorgeous.”  He kissed you with such fierceness that it shocked you a bit. The next little bit, was filled with love and lust.  You woke up in bed with him the next morning. He must’ve managed to wake you and get you into the room after you fell asleep on the sofa. You couldn’t remember but it didn’t really matter. You tip toed out of the room and into the kitchen to get a drink. You looked over at the mess you both left, clothes scattered and the coffee table was slightly pushed out of place. You went to adjust it, and picked your phone up.  The amount of texts you got from your sister was worrying, until you scrolled through the messages. She said she’d be waiting at a diner in the east end of town at 11am. You checked the time and it was 10:15am, you cursed under your breath and jumped into the shower. You pretty much abandoned your apartment at this point in the relationship and had most of the things you needed at Vans. You continued to tip toe around the bedroom trying to get ready quickly. You left a note for Van on the pillow and left.  Time; 10:50am. You managed to get there before she did. “Morning bitch!” you joked.  She was wearing a white floral dress, and looked older than she was.  Her dark wavy hair fell below her shoulders. She glowered at your joke and brushed it off.  “Morning sis, manage to sneak away from Van?”  She had a smirk on her face.  “I... shut up. Why are we here?” You didn’t bother trying to argue with her, she already knew where you were. How she knew? Who knows, she was crafty like that.  “Why can’t we have brunch together? We’re still sisters, right?” Something was oddly suspicious about the way she said it. “Alriggght then.” You were both seated, and she had a grin on her face as if she’d done something.  “Really. Why are we here, and what the hell are you up to?” She giggled. “Okay well, there’s this guy at work....” "You met a guy, finally!”  You fumbled with the condiments and rearranged them. “Not for me, idiot... I told him about you, and he said he’d love to meet you.”  You looked at her. “I’m not meeting anyone.” She smiled some more. “Come on! You’re single aren’t you?”  She winked. You knew she was just trying to piss you off now. “Enough! I’m not fucking meeting anyone else alright!” You got up to leave when she grabbed your arm. “The drinking, the tours, and the boy with the blue eyes. They’re all going to kill you in the end. You know it. You can’t date rockstars, Y/N.” You were filled with a rage so strong that you began to tear up. She released your arm. You stormed out and began the drive back to Van’s.  Cursing and mocking her on the way there, you couldn’t believe what just happened. You knew she could be a bit difficult sometimes, but this wasn’t on. You unlocked the door and slammed it behind you, Van looked concerned as soon as you walked in and neglected to finish making his tea. “What’s going on?”  He walked to you, embracing you in his arms. “She’s a horrible cunt!”  The words felt awful to say but was the only thing you could get out before sobbing. “Alright, just get it out.” He stroked your hair while you held onto him tightly. You knew dating him would be hard, it WAS hard. You had to deal with the fans who didn’t like you, and Larry was over protective of him and hovered around you for the first couple months. The worst part was when he would leave, everything felt empty. You sobbed more at the thought of it.  Eventually you stopped, and pulled your face away from his chest. “I’m sorry..” you wiped the tears and snot off his shirt. “Don’t worry about that.” He laughed and took it off. “Now, what’s the problem?” he wiped some of the smeared mascara off your cheeks. “Amber. She’s the fucking problem. She says I can’t date a ‘rockstar’.” You threw up air quotations and he let out a little chuckle. “Rockstar?” He sarcastically looked around “No rockstars here. Just Ryan Evan Mccann and Y/N. Alright? it’s just us. I love us. Fuck what she says. This isn’t her relationship.” He kept it minimal, and still managed to comfort and calm you down. Then you felt silly, and thought you overreacted. “I guess I was a bit dramatic. She just knows how to push my buttons.” You groaned and thought about Sunday and continued to be dramatic throwing yourself on the sofa. You growled into a pillow. “Uggggggh! I’ll see her again in two damn days.” He rubbed your back. “Just ignore her.” You laid limp on the couch, mumbling. “She needs to stop. My mom is fine with me dating you, I don’t understand why she can’t do the same.” He sat on the floor next to you. “Protective. She’s your older sister, she’s just doing her job. Looking out for ya.”  Your rolled your eyes, he made a good point. “K. Fine, you’re right. I’ll just try ignoring her.”  He pampered you for the rest of the evening, ran you a bath and acted like the goof ball he was just to lift your mood. He gave you his/your favourite shirt to wear. You threw it on. “Looks better on you.” He winked.

[thistownneedsguns]

TTNG Interview // Birthday Cake For Breakfast

I’m stood backstage at ArcTanGent Festival with math-rock heroes TTNG and – first question in – rather than using words to express his feelings following their performance on Thursday evening, drummer Chris Collis highlights the Birthday Cake For Breakfast smiling dog (above) as a visual representation. Vocalist and bassist Henry Tremain and guitarist Tim Collis erupt in laughter, Tim adding further explanation. “For the listener – Picture is dog with Birthday Cake, looking gleeful.”

Having had time to adjust (with Henry suggesting that TTNG would be the dog in the situation, the cake being the audience), Tim reflects further on their performance – commenting at one point that it was likely their best ArcTanGent set to date. “No, it was great. Really great to play in the UK again, ‘cus I guess it’s been a while.” He says. “Yesterday’s response was fucking incredible, like seriously.” Adds Henry. “One of the new songs we have this quiet build up and everyone was clapping along. It was pretty amazing.”

It’s fair to say that ArcTanGent is becoming a regular entry in the social calendars of those with a penchant for math/post/alt-rock and everything in-between. Growing in size year upon year, the organisers outdo themselves when curating incredible line-ups every time. TTNG have become a staple of the festival, having appeared at three of its four outings, matching the likes of And So I Watch You From Afar and Maybeshewill. “We had a break, caught our breath and then we came back to eat some more audience members.” Laughs Henry.

Much like TTNG are becoming a regular fixture of ArcTanGent, so too is the inevitability that the weather will be foul. This year’s festival featured particularly outrageous weather. Almost at Monsoon levels, Fernhill Farm gave Manchester a run for its money with the amount of downpour. It almost made watching bands and drinking beer unbearable… “It’s getting wetter and wetter each time.” Nods Tim.

The spirit of the attendees is always high, mind, and tents are always suitably rammed whatever the weather. Though the main stage has a slight ‘open-air’ issue, as many found out whilst watching Russian Circles a while back. “The first one was awesome, then the second was crazy wet…” Adds Henry. “I remember seeing Russian Circles and getting totally drenched.”

Prior to their return to UK soil and triumphant showing at ArcTanGent, TTNG had been stateside on a run of North American dates throughout August and July with the likes of Lite, Mylets and GIRAFFES? GIRAFFES! A mammoth journey through America, made even sweeter with a number of dates across the run selling out. The secret? “Well we actually have a fan base over there…” Says Henry with a laugh. “It was a good tour, the sales were a lot better than we were expecting – the pre-sales beforehand had us kind of worried. We were feeling like that’s gonna be our last trip out to the states, but it actually went completely in the other direction.”

Sargent House mainstay and running mate of both And So I Watch You From Afar and TTNG (as discussed recently with the former in this interview), Henry Kohen a.k.a. Mylets was along for the ride during their stay in America. There’s an obvious bond between both bands and Henry, the younger Kohen popping up regularly on their various social media accounts whenever they’re in the US. It’s almost as if both bands have taken him under their collective wings, though TTNG jest that it’s likely the other way round. “I think he’s pretty much an integral cog in our machine.” Say Tim of Henry. “He’s awesome to have on tour. He has a multi-functioning role on tour, so he TM’s and drives, plays and techs. It’d be really difficult to do it without him actually. He’s awesome and his music’s great so it’s always cool to play with him.” “He writes these amazing compositions on the fly in the van…” Adds Henry with a laugh.

This is again another period of the interview which would benefit from video evidence or similar, with the trio sharing a laugh reminiscing about the songwriting talents of both Henry’s through the use of a music memo app on an iphone, allowing them to write such improvised van hits as ‘Mummy’ and its sequel ‘Daddy’. A suggested special improvised song for Birthday Cake For Breakfast using said app sadly never materialises.

Away from improvised van recordings, the North American Tour coincided with the release of the band’s third studio album, ‘Disappointment Island’. Recorded live to tape over a ten day period, the trio got together at the infamous Electrical Audio studios in Chicago with Greg Norman, before it was mastered by Bob Weston of Shellac. It was actually in America where TTNG got to shape the eventual album, during a tour with The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die and Foxing. Though the album itself had some uncertainty in the lead up to its completion, as Tim explains. “I think it was good to get it done, for sure. I think there was a time before that we weren’t sure that it was gonna happen. It was kinda pressured to do it like that…” He says. “We kinda just went for it – it’s gotta be done by that time, so… It was helpful to have that.”

“We had kind of finished writing just before the tour and then we used the tour to rehearse the material, get it tour ready so that by the time we were in the studio, we’d kinda ironed out all the kinks and actually learned how to play the songs well enough, with enough energy.” Says Henry. “I think throwing them out in front of an audience is the exact environment where the pressure’s on where you have to get better and play them… I’m sure it led to some right stinkers during some of those shows, but it helped the album.” He laughs. “Possibly another reason why we didn’t think anyone would show up for this tour – hey, here’s the new stuff and it’s all terrible.” Adds Chris with a smirk. “But no, it was a good method. Psychologically I personally felt actually ready to be in the studio, wherein other times it’s just chaos and being really anxious. Sort of knowing that – ok, in theory this is ready, I can play this – was a huge benefit going into the studio.”

Cramming everything into these ten day sessions clearly proved fruitful, though potentially took years off lifetimes, as the mention of their experience in the studio is greeted by a slight sense of dread between the three-piece. Flashbacks of the whip being cracked visible in their eyes. “Stressful.” Confirms Chris when approached on the subject. “I found it stressful.” “I found it incredibly stressful throughout, because the last thing to happen is the vocals.” Adds Henry. “That, for me, is a massive stress. The bit that I really enjoy, which is playing the music bit, was really enjoyable, but there was still this high pitched violin string running in the back of my mind. I was still tense throughout. But, having said that, Electrical Audio where we recorded it is the best place. I absolutely love that place, it just feels like home. Greg, who’s our engineer, is one of the best humans ever. Made us feel totally at home and he’s just funny as fuck. I was having a really bad time doing the vocals, but he’d always manage to say something down the headphones that would put shit in perspective and make me feel good again.”

“Get your head together!” Says Tim with a laugh, before summing up his own experience. “It’s kinda nice as well, because it was a fairly long tour before that, so it wasn’t a very sterile studio at all. It would’ve been weird going to that sort of place after quite a stressful tour. It was really homely, so it was kind of a really cool place to chill out – for the most part. I know I had an easy job, I only had to do one thing, so I had a pretty good time.” “I felt kind of bad at the end of the session, I felt like I was moving out of home.” Adds Henry with a laugh. “It’s got a really nice, homely vibe to it so it’s very relaxing.” Agrees Chris. “Which is good obviously, when you’re in a somewhat pressured environment or situation, I should say.”

Disappointment Island marks the first TTNG album recorded as a three-piece. Following the departure of lead singer and guitar player Stuart Smith and bass player Jamie Cooper over the years, the band transformed and Henry, Tim and Chris carried on as a trio. “It’ll be the last” Comments Chris with a laugh when we discuss the album being put together as a trio. “No, it was great. We’ve been a three-piece for a long time, but obviously trying to play that first album that had four people on it was difficult. So this was great.”

With more room to breath, this allowed for more experimentation, including a new instrument busted out by Henry (though sadly not a ‘Daxaphone’, much to the chagrin of everyone in the band). “Yeah dude, check out the Daxophone. It’s a real instrument.” Laughs Henry. “But yeah, I built this six-string bass baritone guitar that I play, and it was nice to actually – instead of using it to play the space between guitar parts and bass parts – to actually write for that instrument. It was super fun.”

Teasers for Disappointment Island began showing up online in early May in the form of picturesque little vignettes, accompanied by the outline of an island and coordinates. Brilliantly, Fecking Bahamas not only kept track of each individual video but looked up the coordinates online and pipped TTNG to the post regarding the album name (as did a fair few other not-so-lazy fans). The title itself goes back a number of years, with Google acting as inspiration. Much like the artwork that adorns its cover, Disappointment Island was something the trio were unable to forget. “I’ve always wanted to visit.” Confesses Tim with a laugh. “As soon as you find a place like that, there’s so much mystery behind that name.” Adds Henry. “I found it on google earth probably about six/seven years ago, by chance ‘cus I was working as a graphic designer in a print company. We had a slow period, so I would just fly around the planet, checking out Tokyo’s rail networks and then just checking out how big the Pacific Ocean is…” “Turns out it’s pretty big.” Smirks Tim.

As anyone with access to YouTube, Google Earth or countless time-wasting platforms will attest, it’s relatively simple to become obsessed in pointless searches and get lost down a rabbit hole. This became Henry and his virtual flights across the globe, becoming obsessed with minuscule landmasses in the middle of the abyss. It was one such search that resulted in the discovery of ‘Disappointment Island’. “We’ve kind of been joking about it for a while. After the session we recorded with Greg, we went out for some drinks. Tim suggested it jokingly as a title and then it’s like – that’s hilarious, no wait it’s actually kind of perfect. The more we thought about it, the more it made sense.” “It all ties in with quite a few things.” Adds Tim. “I guess Henry can back this up, but perhaps lyrically on some of the topics and subjects he’s writing about. It’s pretty neat really, which is the total opposite of the previous album, which was just random chaos but seemed to also work out.” He laughs.

Similarly, the aforementioned striking artwork for Disappointment Island was practically found out of various fruitless google image searches, trawling through the internet in search of inspiration. The intricate, slightly oddball work of Ukrainian artist and illustrator Irena Zablotska came as love at first sight for the trio, with Henry commenting that the decision was made as soon as they’d caught sight of her work. “She’s incredibly talented.” He says. “There’s some amazing character to the work that she does. We went through and we found that illustration and thought it was perfect for what we wanted.“

At the time of writing, TTNG have finished off their year with a trip to Japan to play with Lite – the cherry on top of a monumental 2016. Their current line-up is stronger than ever, with the trio highlighting this through Disappointment Island. Throughout the interview, the Collis siblings and Henry are joyful, taking the piss and are clearly a tight-knit group. All is going swimmingly then? “We all put on brave faces for these kind of interviews…” Jokes Chris as the others laugh. “Things are going really well. We wanna write some new music I think.” “I’m saving up for a Daxophone.” Grins Henry.

(via Birthday Cake For Breakfast)

[coldeternalarchive]

Matt’s Winter 2

Matt/George 2/15 When Matt finally woke up after what felt like months of being unconscious, he panicked.  He was in a hospital room with no memory of getting there, the walls were too white and when he reached up to feel his head, instead of curls, he felt bandages.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” “Dude, it’s okay, chill!”   A hand reached over and patted his arm which had an IV tube attached to it. Matt jumped and looked around.  Dylan was sitting in the chair next to him, a dollar store yo-yo dangling on a string he was holding.   “Holy shit, dude, we thought you were dead!!!!”  Dylan exclaimed with a usual lack of tact. “I don’t remember anything---what happened?  How long have I been here?” “Fuck ….dude….almost a week!” “Oh my god!!  The tour!!”  Matt sat up fast and was immediately assaulted by dizziness and nausea and a sense of the first fall of a huge roller coaster ride. “Aw don’t worry about that, homie.  We already got your replacement.”  Dylan said, way too easily.  “ And we been stuck here waiting for you to show signs of life so we were able to scrape up some local gigs.”  Dylan droned on for a few more minutes but Matt had stopped listening after the word “replacement” :”GET OUT!!!!” “Why?  What’s wrong?” WHY BECAUSE YOU FUCKING REPLACED ME!!!  AND GEORGE COULDN’T EVEN MAN UP ENOUGH TO TELL ME HIMSELF!!!  HE FUCKING SENT YOU!! “You kept playing?  You fucking left me here and got someone else!?” “You fucking collapsed, how were we going to make money?  Money to move on when you got better!?  And it was just some local dude, it wasn’t even---fuck, man, the doctor said you’d be loopy, but damn, calm down!!” Matt hit the call button.   George kicked me out!!  I’ve ruined the tour!  Everyone hates me!  Jorel told everyone what a pussy I am and now everyone hates me.  They sent Funny, they couldn’t even tell me themselves!!  Fucking Jorel!  Stole Aron and now he stole the band! By the time the nurse came Matt was hysterical and Dylan was kicked out no matter how he tried to   Minutes later when George stomped up to the nurses station, all charm gone and looking for a fight, demanding to talk to the head of the unit and making such a fuss that the entire band was banished to the first floor main waiting room just inside the doors, though it was strongly suggested they leave until Matt was ready to be released. Matt knew nothing of this though, he just knew he had been kicked out for screwing up the tour and cared for so little that George didn’t feel him worthy enough to kick him out himself.  A nurse came in first and shot him up with something to calm him down but not knock him out.  Suddenly the walls became incredibly interesting and watching them kept him interested until the doctor came in and told him he had passed out dehydration and fallen off the stage, hitting hitting his head on the edge of a bank of amplifiers that had been pulled down from the stage for load out.  He had fractured the base of his skull.  The doctor was relieved to find him awake and asking questions.  He was asking Matt more questions about his name, where he was,  the day of the week, none of which Matt could answer.  He could give his name, his age, his address and the last thing he remembered. After him a slew of doctors, counselors and nurses paraded through his room, doing their tests, asking more questions, taking blood.  Matt was grateful when they finally left him alone but in an hour he was bored and lonely and wishing someone would come to visit.   But of course they won’t.  They hate me.  They kicked me out of the band…  He lay there watching the light change outside his window, feeling smaller and smaller as the day progressed and no one else came to look in on him. Well I’m on my own now.  I’m not even sure where I am.  If I call my parents they’re going to come down and get me but I have no other way to get back.  I don’t even remember how much money I had with me.  I don’t have my stuff…………….fuck my stuff, they can keep it all….give it to the fucker that took my place.  I’ll wait until they release me then I’ll call my folks………...and admit that I’m a complete failure, just like they knew I would be……...and then tell them my friends weren’t really my friends, that I was completely incapable of taking care of myself and I have to come home and listen to them tell me “I told you so”....fuck...maybe I can hitchhike.  Matt sniffled.  He then began to think about long, cold nights walking down an interstate, having no idea who would be behind the wheel of the next truck to stop, no doubt it would be someone bigger, stronger and far more deranged…..He sank further in the bed and began to cry. He was monitored closely, woken up every hour, or at least that’s how it seemed.  Sometimes he dreamed of the door opening and of George or Aron walking in and saying they were sorry and everything was okay and they were there to take him home, but each time he opened his eyes either he was alone or with just a nurse who was taking his pulse or checking his pupils. The next morning he tried to eat but quickly was queasy and threw up everything he ate, even though it had not been that much.  He slept on and off until dinner time, drank some soup and asked if there was any way he could make a collect call to his parents to get money to go home on.  Right around five pm he was visited by a patient representative, an older woman who reminded him of his second grade teacher.  He was asked his parents’ name, address, phone number and occupation.  Since he was over eighteen he was also asked how much of his condition he wanted disclosed.  He thought this was strange, making the decision of what to tell or not to tell his parents.  He decided it would sound a bit better to say he’d suffered a head injury from an accidental fall and because of that could not drive himself home. In the course of the next twenty four hours things began to change slowly.  He was able to walk to the bathroom without needing help because he was so dizzy, he was able to eat without throwing up and he was able to sleep through the night.   The bandages terrified him, he was sure that once they were removed he’d find out they had shaved him bald, but in fact they had only shaved the hair at the base of his neck and it did not look terribly out of the ordinary.  It just looked like he’d gotten a haircut.  His parents would probably actually be proud. After several more exams he was given his clothes and the possessions he had on him at the time of the fall: sneakers, a black hoodie, a long sleeved t shirt he had  painted with the band logo himself, his mask, black jeans, and a black snapback cap,  his wallet and ID, a phone, now drained of the battery and little else.  He was also given a bus ticket home, cab fare to the bus depot, and some money for food.  As soon as he received these things he changed and hurried out, not waiting for the release documents or any final approval.    Shuffling down the hallway holding the mask, he felt like everyone was staring at him and was actually afraid if he didn’t hurry maybe they’d try to transfer him to the psyche ward.  He called for a taxi from the nurses station and ordered it to meet him behind the hospital. He took service elevators to get to a back entrance near where the ambulances came in at and began his long journey home. Not wanting to be sick on the ride, he only bought juice. water and crackers to eat.  The food of the other passengers smelled far better and made his stomach growl, but he could not risk having to stop to throw up so he stuck to what he had no matter how hungry he became.  He chose a seat in the middle of the bus and the middle of the row, hoping such an inconvenient location would discourage a seat mate.  There was nothing to do on the trip but play out the last few days he could remember before his fall, how nice Aron had been up until the night they all had been forced to share a room.  Over and over he saw Aron walking out of the convenience store on that last stop, grinning and offering him some jerky and him politely saying no because Jorel was right behind Aron and already glaring at him like he’d take Matt’s head off if he he’d said yes.  He should have never messed around with Aron, should have ignored the way Aron’s smile sent tingles down to the soles of his feet and made his stomach twist in knots.  He should have thought more about the consequences of dating anyone in the band.  But oh god it had felt so good when they were together, even just plotting to find a spot to make out, it was like it was the two of them against the world and it had made him feel like the luckiest guy alive, like the two of them had their own private club that no one else could be a part of.  Suddenly the tour was a lot less lonely and even nights when the audience ignored them didn’t hurt so bad.  He should have known better.  Things like that happened in books.  They happened to other people.  More specifically, they happened to Jorel. Jorel had a charmed life.  His parents never gave him shit, he always seemed to have money, he was virtually swimming in a sea of willing girls.  Girls looked at Matt like he was creepy and laughed as soon as he opened his mouth to talk to them.   But the girls loved Jorel, followed him around wherever he went, bought him food, washed his car, probably did his laundry if his mom didn’t still.  All Matt ever heard from his parents was “Cut your hair, grow up and get a real job.”  Now he guessed he had no choice.  He’d go down and work at the local A and P grocery down the street and wear a collared shirt and say “Yes sir” and “Yes ma’am” and do what his folks told him and never ever say a word about liking guys or being any different than anyone else.  Maybe he’d make friends, maybe he’d be alone.  Maybe he’d just get home, lock himself in his room and slash his wrists.  The more he thought about what the future was going to be like, the more he realized he did not want to be there for it. (end chapter, more to come)