#as someone whose siblings look nothing like them i find it hilarious i have no idea why i swear i have the weirdest sense of humour

[natelia-aldelliz]

1 : Soap never had any idea that woman wanted him carnally, he's not the most observant on that front (he never noticed Ghost flirting with him and thought his love was one-sided for the longest time, but tbf Ghost was also very discreet about it)

2 : He sewed the hat, eyepatch and hook himself, because he's the best uncle and then got distracted as he was wrapping it up, so now he's watching a tutorial on youtube about how to build a voice box. Honestly how hard could it be, he builds explosive devices as a hobby (listen, Price doesn't have to know)

3 : He is out to his family, but doesn't want his mum to know he has a boyfriend because he knows she'll insist on meeting him and welcoming him to the family and making a big deal out of this, and he knows that Ghost isn't ready for that.

4 : Christmas is obviously a very hard time for Ghost, but he is very very in love with Soap and some days still can't believe that it's mutual, but then his Johnny does something like that and his head gets quieter while he's melting a bit.

5 : For the people that didn't see my other post : the bird is a Caique parrot, and they're supposedly very energetic, a bit loud, medium sized, unintelligible, very friendly to what they consider their family, adventurous and danger prone, with an explosive personality and a hate of boredom, so basically the adhd bird.

[shinidamachu]

I need some Inuyasha as a great father (more like DILF, amirite?) headcanons, can you help me out?

I'm here to serve!

• It isn’t until they’re happily married for at least one or two years that the possibility of children are brought up.

• At first, they took that time to relearn each other, enjoy their company and make the honeymoon phase last a little long. They did spend three years apart, after all. There’s so much time to make up for, so many catching up to do before they’d even think to throw a kid into the mix. Plus, being a modern woman, Kagome would know how to avoid pregnancy the best her new circumstances allowed and how important that time alone is for a newly-married couple.

• They never actually had the child talk because Kagome just assumed that’s where their relationship would naturally lead to, given her motherly tendencies and Inuyasha’s history of ultimately giving her everything she wants. For his part, Inuyasha knew she wanted to be a mother someday and he'd be lying if he said he never indulged the fantasy of fathering her children. However, he has serious trouble wrapping his mind around the idea that, in reality, Kagome would still be up for it if he were to be the father. He could never dare to ask of her more than she has already given him. Be that as it may, it was not a big deal because it was not a dealbreaker. Nothing was.

• But with time, Kagome would have noticed how good Inuyasha is with Hisui and the Mirsan twins. How his relationship with Shippo had developed from a sibling banter to a makeshift paternal relationship. How people like Shiori and Bunza would look up to him like he was some kind of movie hero. How every kid in the village seemed to adore him despite his grumpy demeanor.

• And Inuyasha would have noticed the way Kagome would look at him whenever he so much as interacted with a child, the way her smell would spike significantly.

• She, of course, was the one to make the first move, jumping him one night, after they had spend the whole day stuck with babysitting the Mirsan children and popping the question.

• Inuyasha was relutant. There was a part of him that was adamant on making her happy and even believed having babies would make him happy too. On the other hand, he was terrified. Terrified of how her body would react to childbirth, of if her spiritual powers would accept his demonic energy. But mostly, about what would happen once the baby was born. The last thing he wanted was for Kagome to go through everything his mother had to go through. Or for another kid to face the same prejudice he did. Besides, he grew up with no father figure whose steps he could follow. He didn’t know how to be a father.

• Kagome assures him that they won’t have a baby until they’re both ready and on the same page, that they have time and that Inuyasha will be a great father.

• Inuyasha believes her.

• Then it is him felling some type of way whenever he sees Kagome around kids. And something deep inside desperately wishes to find out what would their children look like, what would it be like to hold and take care of someone born from their love.

• Finally, he caves.

• Inuyasha wants a big family, considering how lonely his childhood was. Kagome finds it pivotal for their first-born to have a sibling, since she had Sota and their relationship was one of the most important things in her life. That’s why they’d have two children minimum, preferably a boy and a girl. However, giving how dangerous and uncomfortable childbirth can be, especially without the perks the modern era provides, I don’t think they’d have more than three.

• Naturally, Inuyasha relies on Miroku for advice and the latter is more helpful than not. Except for the times Inuyasha asks or says something that makes it way too easy for Miroku to mess with him. Like the time he told Inuyasha that if he doesn’t get Kagome whatever food she craves while pregnant, the baby will be born looking exactly like that food. And Inuyasha believed him.

• And if you thought Inuyasha was protective of Kagome before... oh boy! He’d be almost overbearing, but Kagome would see it as endearing. Most of the time. Sometimes, though, a woman has got to have her privacy. He also becomes more attentive, more gentle, sweeter.

• After their first child is born, Inuyasha gets a makeover of sorts. He’s always borrowing the Fire Rat to Kagome and the baby anyway, so he figured it’d be more practical to just pass the clothes on to them already and get something new for himself.

• It’s white.

• Inuyasha becomes taller, stronger. And often lets Kagome experiment with his hair with braids, top nots... and ponytails.

• Old Myoga is the first one to notice the resemblance. And it’s true. He’s the spitting image of Toga. Former enemies and allies often mistaken him for Toga and Kagome thinks the look on their (and Inuyasha’s) face is hilarious.

• Sesshoumaru does not care for it (I stole this one from @heavenin--hell).

• Inuyasha hates his human nights even more because now his vulnerability also means he might not be able to protect his family as he usually would (Together Changed by @goshinote and @lostinfantasyworlds inspired this one). Plus, the black hair and lack of dog ears confuses the baby, who cries and fusses for a good while until realizing it is, in fact, Inuyasha holding them (this one I saw in an adorable fanart I can’t find).

• But since he needs way less sleeping than humans and he spends the New Moons up anyway, Inuyasha gets a lot of quality time with their infant at night, which allows Kagome to actually get a good night sleep unless the baby is hungry.

• The Beads of Subjugation get dooled and chewed on. A lot.

• A little contest takes place between Kagome and Inuyasha about what the first word of their first child would be, with Kagome going for “dada” and Inuyasha going for “mama.”

• Kagome wins.

• Inuyasha’s fighting style changes. He still says some snarky remarks, but now it’s more to push his opponent‘s buttons down so they would get sloppy than anything else. After all, he has a child to think about and provide for now. He doesn’t have the luxury of gambling with his life anymore. He has a home to come back to and therefore won’t be taking any chances (credit to @born-for-eachother for this one).

• And so he becomes more lethal on the battle field. Pragmatic. Objective. Calculating. Decisive. Cold blooded. Much like... Sesshomaru.

• He had never been more offended on his life than the day Sango pointed this out to him.

• When the kids grow up a bit, Inuyasha and Kagome start to tell them bedtime stories, with the PG version of the story about how the met and defeated Naraku being their favorite.

• Kagome tries to be a reliable and calm narrator while Inuyasha exaggerates the events and the voices, almost always breaking objects of their house in the process.

• After hearing one too many times about the Beads of Subjugation, their child tries to “sit” Inuyasha. Of course it doesn’t work, but he still makes a big deal out of throwing himself on the ground every time they say the word just to hear them laugh.

• The first actual toy Inuyasha buys them is a ball, just like the one he had as a kid, at the same time accomplishing a childhood wish through them and ensuring that they would always have someone to play with.

• Kagome is more protective of their physical state while Inuyasha is more protective of their emotional one (see Fist Fight by @omgitscharlie)

• Inuyasha goes to Totosai and asks him to make a weapon out of one of his fangs to each of their children once they get old enough for it. Not necessarily a sword, just something of their choice and that better fits their personality.

• He would be a just father, doing his best to show no favoritism, treat his children equally and make sure no one felt overlooked or unloved.

• But truth be told, if one of their babies turn out to be a daughter, he would definitelly let her get away with almost anything, no matter how much of a gremlin she is. Daddy’s little girl would have him wrapped around her tiny fingers.

• Life never treated Inuyasha kindly. From a very young age, it was kill or be killed. It wouldn't be too far off for him to think the exact same thing could happen with his kids, therefore he tries to prepare them, to tough them up so they can take it.

• And I believe this sentiment would be significantly amplified with a son, because it would involve the whole “suck it up”, “men don’t cry” and “man of the house” aspect of it. The “it is your duty to protect your mother and sister when I’m gone” too, especially because he couldn’t protect Izayoi himself.

• It’s “tough love”, but it’s love nonetheless. And in the right dose, which I believe Inuyasha manages to nail, it can be very important for one’s development and growth.

• But it’s hard to imagine him being as tough with a daughter. Probably because he sees so much of Kagome on her that the mere idea of seeing her cry simply breaks him.

• Kagome would actually have to step in when it comes to disciplining and saying “no”, because he simply wouldn’t have it in him to do so.

There’s actually a really nice post by @keichanz I reblogged a while ago discussing precisely that, but I can’t find it to save my life (should I start to properly tag my reblogs? No, it’s a lot of work and I’m right not to).

Anyway, that’s all I got for now.

Peace out.

[bitsandbobsofwriting]

The former God of Magic resents The Mother for sticking him on Earth, and plans on causing as much havoc as he can to punish Her;

Version 2, Dark!Merlin

INTRO

(Version 1, Good!Merlin)

TW: A lot of emotional manipulation, a little violence, a lot of angst.

~

“You’re late.”

The woman’s well practiced blank mask falls into a scowl as she stares at Merlin with mistrust:

“Well, perhaps I was putting off coming to see you, no matter how necessary it is.”

The gang can see the bob of Merlin’s head as he lets out a low chuckle, and they have to stop themselves from recoiling; they’d never heard a noise like that from their young friend before, it sounded almost... cruel.

He lifts a hand to cover his heart as he says in faux offense:

“You wound me, sister. You didn’t want to see your favourite sibling?”

Everyone frowns in confusion, Merlin doesn’t have... siblings. That’s not even mentioning the fact that this woman barely seems human.

The woman doesn’t hide her slight disgust, taking a step back from Merlin and letting out a harsh breath:

“I came here to tell you that you need to hurry up. Time is running out.”

Merlin chuckles again, turning to the side and taking a few short paces, his hands held leisurely behind his back. The amusement on his face is disturbing, and Arthur gulps, not noticing the way Mordred is growing paler and paler by the second. Merlin doesn’t turn to look at the woman as he speaks, and his smirk stretches wider:

“But I’m having so much fun, Ava!”

The woman, Ava, huffs again, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest. If the gang weren’t so semi-sure that Merlin wasn’t dangerous, they’d think she looked scared:

“Mother sent you here to complete a task. Get it done, and you can come home. Isn’t that what you want? To come home?”

Merlin’s smirk falls, and the snarl that the gang briefly see on his face before he whips around to face Ava takes their breath away. They barely notice the thunder, snapping in the distance in time with Merlin’s anger:

“Mother’s the one keeping me here in the first place. She could accept me back any time.”

Ava takes another step back, and Merlin tilts his head ever so slightly at the movement, but waits for her to speak:

“As punishment for your cruelty. She isn’t happy, you’re making a mess of things.”

Merlin chuckles again, tilting his head even further, and his words have an immediate chilling effect on the group hiding in the bushes:

“Well, if she insists on sending the God of Chaos to fix a problem, perhaps she should expect a little mess. Plus, I’m having more fun here than I’ve had in centuries. These humans... so gullible.-”

Ava shakes her head mournfully, but before she can say anything, Merlin continues, now pacing calmly around the clearing, waving his hands and grinning in his excitement:

“-I mean, they’re just so... easy. To play with, to manipulate. You know they all trust me? They all come running to naïve, innocent, loving little Merlin, spilling all their secrets as they go. Did you know, the drunkard is the son of a noble? “Fuck nobility” my arse, he is nobility.-”

Gwaine clenches his jaw and looks to the floor, ignoring the stares of Arthur and Leon, but before anything can be muttered, Merlin continues, listing their greatest secrets off on his fingers:

“-The gentle giant is terrified that someone’s going to find out that his preferences lie with men, which is ridiculous considering the way he stares at the aforementioned drunkard when he thinks no one but little old me is watching. The blacksmith, even years on, is terrified that his whore sister will never forgive him for... something or other, I wasn’t really paying attention. Camelot’s first, The King’s most trusted, has a debilitating fear of heights, and oh if it isn’t just hilarious to watch when he has to patrol the city walls. And then, there’s the-”

Ava rolls her mournful eyes and interrupts him:

“Your point, Em?”

Merlin laughs, fully and from the belly, but the sound doesn’t bring the gang joy like it normally does:

“My point, is that I’ve got these idiots wrapped around my finger. Mortals: the universe’s most fun toy. I haven’t even gotten to half of them yet. There’s the noble one, who thinks he holds my trust, the Druid boy, whose only redeeming feature is that he’s destined to kill the King Prat one day; believe me, if it weren’t for that I’d have killed the annoying little twerp years ago. Then there’s the King Prat’s magical sister, who is full of such terror. I play with her dreams some nights, force visions of pyres and hatred and destruction to play over and over in her mind. It’s rather amusing, watching her thrash and sweat and whimper in her sleep.-”

Arthur’s head had whipped around to Morgana when Merlin had mentioned her, but the tears streaming down her face and the way her hand was clamped tightly over her mouth stripped his anger from him. Which left him with no distraction, no way to ignore the simple fact of what was happening right now. Merlin was... not what they thought. He was powerful, he was using them. He was playing with them like puppets and pulling their strings this way and that, watching as they could do nothing but follow. Arthur didn’t know what to think, and he definitely didn’t notice the tears on his own cheeks.

Mordred was pale to the point of looking like he was about to faint and Lancelot had a deep frown on his face, tears in his eyes but not quite falling, not yet. This was... a misunderstanding. He... he knows Merlin, this is a trick, or a trap, he’ll explain later and everything will be just fine. He just has to... to trust him. Everything will be fine.

Gwaine keeps his gaze on the floor. A small part of him was feeling a little prideful that Percival liked him back, but the rest of him... had no room for anything but grief. He had suspected that Merlin had magic, but this was something else, this was... a whole new person. Did he ever really know Merlin? Did any of them? 

Elyan and Gwen sat pressed together tightly, though Gwen had one hand on Morgana’s shaking back, and her other was reaching around Elyan, gripping Leon’s shoulder tightly. Leon was just staring blankly at the scene in front of him, though anyone that knew him well enough would be able to see the tight clench of his jaw and the anger (and grief) in his eyes.

Ava interrupted Merlin’s gleeful ranting, the tears in her eyes a little more prominent as she took on a slightly more desperate tone:

“Please, Em, just... stop. They’re important, they have destinies, you can not destroy them or push them too far; this is cruel, even for you. This... you never used to be like this.”

Merlin turns around, facing away from his sister and giving the hidden group full view of his rage-filled face. His voice is quiet and clipped and angry as he asks:

“Oh?”

Another roll of thunder echoes through the clearing, closer this time, and fat droplets of rain fall harshly from the sky, mixing with the tears on everyone’s face. Ava sighs, tears overflowing as she gulps before answering, her voice shaking slightly as she takes a step towards Merlin:

“You’re meant to be the God of Magic, not Chaos. You were so... beautiful, balanced. You saw wonder in everything, every little spark of magic and every single prayer put a smile on your face. You loved humanity even more than Mother did. Now look at you, you’re tormenting them, torturing them. This isn’t you, Em, please. Help them, and things can go back to the way they were, help them and you can come home.”

The anger on Merlin’s face had only grown as she spoke, and each individual hidden in the bushes had to make a concerted effort to stop themselves from bolting. None of them had felt terror like it, and the fact that it was Merlin they were all so scared of... well, it didn’t help.

Lightening streaks across the sky and wind howls violently through the forest, calming only when Merlin shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath, straightening his back and smirking slightly before he replies, still not turning around to face his sister:

“You’re right. I loved humanity, I was desperate to see them succeed. And then they butchered me. I gave them this universe to frolic in, and in return they call me a monster, a beast, they call me evil, they make nightmares out of me. I still listen to every little prayer, and do you know what I hear? I hear my people, my wonderful little creations, my creatures of magic, begging for mercy, begging for the pain to stop. The humanity I so used to love turned on them, began to burn them, out of spite and fear and hatred. I will not show them any more grace than they have showed me, I will give them exactly what they deserve, and that blonde idiot is at the top of my list of people who have to fucking pay. I won’t destroy him entirely, because ultimately I want my creatures to stop suffering, but I will break him. I will rip him apart piece by piece for what he has done to me.-”

The absolute fury in Merlin’s words, the hatred, translates to thunder in the sky and agony in Arthur’s chest. The King can barely breathe, muffling the sobs tearing from his mouth with both hands, both terrified of being discovered, and desperate to... to let Merlin punish him for the pain he has caused.

Leon settles a shaking hand on his shoulder, but Arthur doesn’t look his way, his blurry gaze focused on Merlin, now finally turning back to his sister:

“-You know, I’m this close to getting that big blonde idiot to fall in love with me. How pathetic is that?? All it took was a few touches here, a few lingering stares there, saving his life occasionally. The man is so pathetically starved for attention I imagine he’d fall for anyone who showed him the barest amount of affection. That is how I will break him.-”

The only thing stopping Arthur from sobbing aloud is Leon collapsing behind him, pulling the young King back into his chest and wrapping a tight arm around his torso, one hand clamped over his mouth as he mutters desperate reassurances into his ear. Morgana pulls Gwen close in a similar way when the servant’s cries grow harsher, her brother burying his face in her shoulder.

Lancelot barely notices Gwaine gripping his arm hard enough to leave bruises for weeks, or Percival pushing his forehead into Lance’s shoulder blade. All he can do is sit and stare at the ground, his breathing slow but shaky, tears streaming silently down his face as he rethinks everything he’s ever known.

Mordred sits on his own, rocking back and forth rhythmically as he tightens the clutch he has around his knees. Tears drip from his young cheeks, poisoning the ground beneath him as he struggles to consider his faith. His faith in magic, in Emrys, who was meant to be balanced and beautiful and giving. Emrys, who he now knew was twisted and angry and desperate for revenge.

All of their hearts are splitting, cracking down the middle.

“-It won’t be physical pain, no, that’ll be down to the Druid boy. He doesn’t want to kill Arthur now, but he will, one day, when I give him one final push. He’ll fall so far into the darkness there’ll be nothing of him left to save, and when he plunges his sword into The Pendragon’s chest, I’ll sit back and watch with a smile on my face, and Arthur will realise that the man he loves, the man who claimed to love him in return, hated him all along. Tricked him. I will watch the life drain from his eyes, and he will spend his last few moments on this world in every kind of agony imaginable, lost in the knowledge that I wanted him to suffer, that he is being punished for his sins.”

Ava shakes her head, silver tears dripping from her emerald eyes as she stares at the floor:

“Are Sir Mordred and the Lady Morgana not your creatures? Do you not wish to save at least them?”

Merlin chuckles darkly:

“I had faith in them once, but they made their decisions. They sided with a Pendragon over me. Mother may be fond of her precious Once and Future King, but to be fair, she’s fond of anything with a pulse, and I, for one, can not wait until she’s not quite so fond of him anymore.”

Ava gulps, taking a desperate step towards her amused brother, but before she can say anything, before she can make one last plea for mercy on humanity’s behalf, Merlin tilts his head, smirking dangerously:

“Do you think they’re scared?”

She halts in her tracks, blinking in confusion, and Merlin’s smile grows into a chuckle as he gestures behind him:

“The King and all his little friends, hidden in the bushes. Do you think they’re scared?” 

The gang barely have time to look up in shock before their bodies are moving, out of their control. They stand rigidly and walk single-file out from their hiding place, coming to stand in a line at the side of the clearing. Merlin hasn’t even looked at them, but his hand floats in the air, a sickly looking yellow mist swirling around his fingers as he tilts his head at his sister, staring in horror at The King, the knights, the Lady, and the servant.

Merlin drops his hand and they all fall to their knees, not even bothering to be brave as they sob. The angry God finally turns, and the serene smile on his face is chilling as he walks towards them, coming to stand in front of Lance and Mordred first. The two of them are the calmest, though calm in the way that they don’t really look... present. They stare blankly ahead, breathing shallow and tears still falling as Merlin crouches in front of them, gripping a chin in each hand and shaking their heads roughly. His voice comes out a whisper, the frown on his face looking more disappointed than anything:

“So much faith, so much trust. It’s a little pitiful, if I’m being honest.”

They don’t react to his words and he smirks before letting them go and standing, moving on to Elyan and Gwen, gripping the knight’s shoulder and saying with mocking sympathy in his voice:

“You were right, by the way,-”

He glances at a fully sobbing Gwen with disgust:

“-she’ll never forgive you, but she’ll never tell you that. You’ll just spend the rest of your life wondering why your relationship was never the same.”

Next, he shuffles over to Gwaine, not even bothering to see the siblings’ reactions as he passes Leon and Percival with a look of disinterest on his face. He leans down in front of the knight, running a soft hand through his hair, waiting for the man to relax slightly before gripping his hair harshly and yanking back, so he has to look up at him. Merlin gives him a blindingly cruel smile:

“You're grateful that Percival is just as in love with you as you are with him, but don’t think yourself too lucky. You’re a hypocrite and a drunk, and my dear old Percy has too much self respect to put himself through that. I’d go for a good tumble in the hay and give up while you’re ahead.”

Once again, he moves back, his sister having to look away in her grief, her empathy drowning her. The God comes to stand in front of Morgana, who is desperately trying to look brave but failing miserably:

“And you. You’re meant to be The Darkness, but I couldn’t very well have you outdo me, could I? Try your hardest, I’ll still be the end of you, and I wait with baited breath for the day you fall, and the day soon after that, when I get to kill you.”

She break down in tears again at that, horrified with the idea that she might one day be on the same end of morality and cruelty as this monster in front of her.

Merlin smirks before rolling his eyes and finally coming to stand in front of Arthur. The King calms his breathing just enough to look up at a smirking Merlin, his voice cracking and barely-there as he mutters:

“Please... Merlin, please...”

The smirk drops from Merlin’s face as he brings his hand up, the sickly yellow mist back again. Arthur rises from the floor, hands clutching at his throat as the air is drawn from his lungs. Merlin steps closer to his with a snarl, his free hand gripping Arthur’s chin like a vice, though his voice eerily calm as he murmurs:

“You. You and Uther were so desperate for a scape-goat, for a villain, for a monster. And you picked magic, you picked me. So stop being so fucking pathetic, I’m just playing the part you gave me to perfection. You picked the premise, I’m writing the ending.”

Ava finally speaks up, her voice loud, despite the waver:

“Brother please, this is... this is beyond cruelty, please just stop.”

Arthur is dropped, and The King can barely find it in himself to choke for air as Merlin turns back to his sister, the amused smirk back on his face:

“Why? None of them are going to remember in the morning anyway. I’ve had my fun, this has been cathartic, but I can’t have them ruining my plans. So run along now sister, tell Mother that her precious task is being completed, I’m just taking the scenic route.” 

She shakes her head in defeat, staring at the floor. She lifts her head, opening her mouth to make one last attempt, but she closes it, realising that there’s nothing she could possibly say to persuade him to suddenly have mercy, mercy that no one had ever shown him. She gulps, letting out a deep breath before shaking her head again and turning around, walking back into the trees, the way she came.

The God looks back to his puppets, shivering in time with their knotted strings, smirking once more before he clicks his fingers and everything goes dark.

~

Arthur wakes the next morning feeling oddly refreshed and surprisingly unannoyed at his idiot manservant’s lateness. He rolls his eyes at the bright sunshine glaring through his curtains, the sun certainly a lot higher in the sky than it should be at the time The King wakes, but oh well. Merlin has been chipper lately, and the warmth that Arthur feels in his chest at the younger man’s happiness makes him more likely to forgive him his tardiness.

As if thinking of him had summoned him (wishful thinking on Arthur’s part), Merlin bursts through the doors, not bothering to knock as per usual, a breakfast-laden tray in his arms and a cheeky grin on his face. Arthur rolls his eyes again, chucking a pillow at Merlin half-heartedly as he grumbles, also half-heartedly:

“You’re late.”

Merlin chuckles, setting the tray down on the table before jogging endearingly over to Arthur’s bedside, grabbing his hand and pulling him to stand upright:

“Something tells me you don’t mind all that much, Your Pratness.”

Arthur huffs, but only to stop himself from smiling, and resolutely ignores the way Merlin’s hand is still in his. The servant squeezes his palm softly, and Arthur gulps, pulling away and walking towards his meal, hoping the food would squash the butterflies in his stomach.

He rubs the sleep from his eyes, smiling to himself softly at a whole range of things: the good night’s rest he’d had, the bright sunshine, Merlin’s good mood, the sensation of Merlin’s hand in his own, Merlin’s dazzling smile, Merlin, Merlin, Merlin...

Merlin stares at his back as he goes, noting with a dangerously satisfied smirk the red blush of his ears.

The scenic route indeed.

~

THE END!!

Oops I made myself sad. Sorry to say but I hope this makes you sad too.

This was SUPER fun to write and I’m so glad I decided to do two versions😅

Link to the Good!Merlin version (much MUCH fluffier, I promise) at the top!!

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 07 part two

(Masterpost)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Lantern Lighting

Now we have the famous lantern scene, where everybody gets to express their character and have dates, ranging from disastrous to delightful, with the objects of their affection. 

Wei Wuxian continues to be ridiculously good at drawing. 

We’ve all seen Lan Wangji’s lovely first smile in the show a million times, so...let’s look at it again!

This scene is important not just because of the smile, but because there’s a distinct shift in the way they talk about their growing relationship. In the pond, it was “come visit me” and “never!” “I want to be your friend” “No need.” Basically Lan Wangji firmly saying no to Wei Wuxian’s offers of friendship.

This time, Wei Wuxian says “let’s do this together” and Lan Wangji says “I’m used to being alone,” which is not actually a No, just an explanation. And WWX says, you can change that. And then Lan Wangji DOES change it, sharing the lantern and the promise with Wei Wuxian.

Whoever painted this flower is even better than Wei Wuxian at plein air painting. 

(more after the cut!)

Everybody’s wishes

Nie Huasang makes a practical wish. Wen Qing prays for her brother and Jiang Cheng notices how she’s like Yanli. Jiang Cheng isn’t very intense about Wen Qing, which could be a sign of his shyness but could also be a sign of his gayness or aceness. After all, later in life he’s an apparently wealthy clan leader who is hot as fuck, and needs an heir, since his nephew is a Jin. But he’s still not married, 16 years after breaking up with and uh, helping to kill and cremate, the girl he liked in summer school.

The Promise We Made Together

Wei Wuxian makes an ultra-idealistic wish/promise while Lan Wangji watches and falls the rest of the way in love with him, and silently makes the same pledge inside his head. Later they will each refer to this as a promise they made together, which is a really super high level of face-reading by Wei Wuxian, to understand that he really is speaking for both of them here.  While making this promise, Lan Wangji brings out his Yin Iron Magic Bag and waves it around in front of everyone, but nobody notices. 

Let’s take a moment to consider *why* this moment is so powerful for Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji is a boy whose emotions are always on the boil. He’s 100% upset all the time, at this age, and he keeps it clamped down all the time. His cultivation level is probably as high as it is partly because of all the work he does in emotion regulation. (note: if you haven’t read all the meta at @howpeacefulislwj​ , go read it; it’s awesome and hilarious)

Wei Wuxian doesn’t GAF about emotion regulation; he just expresses what he feels, all the damn time. 

He is openly bored, lusty, playful, hungry, whiny. He straight up tells Lan Wangji “you’re boring and you have a stick up your ass” as part of saying he wants to be friends; no deference and also no falseness.  

And he can see right through Lan Wangji’s reserve, barging into his loneliness and isolation without any regard for all of his wards. Wards are made to be broken.

(Unrelated note: Young Lan Wangji's rare moments of contentment seem to come from looking at something beautiful--the moon, falling petals, these lanterns, his mirror.)

But Wei Wuxian is also good. Lan Wangji desperately wants to be good. And here’s Wei Wuxian embodying this awful, amazing, tempting alternative path, in which all the interesting things in life get explored thoroughly, all the sweetness and beauty gets consumed unreservedly, all the pain and ugliness gets confronted and endured without hesitation. 

In this moment, Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji “you can change,” and then offers up this prayer/promise that is just pure chivarly, speaking straight to Lan Wangji’s heart. Very simply, I want to spend my life doing right. Not 3500 rules; just one.

This infuriating boy, who breaks rules and who flirts indiscriminately and who pushes and pushes and pushes, reveals himself in this moment to be a hero at the beginning of his journey, and Lan Wangji sees it, and his heart goes right over the cliff.

The Girls’ Room

The girl cultivators all rush over to Yanli to get in her business about her betrothal, inspiring Jin Zixuan to act like a jerk to her and get even further onto Wei Wuxian’s bad side. 

Talk Shit, Get Hit

Yanli’s wish was that Wei Wuxian would grow up and be good. He promptly launches his own personal Sunshot campaign, punching her fiancee so hard that the sun falls out of the sky and the previously well-lit scene transitions to full night.

So, in English, “don’t mention it again” is really mild, akin to “I don’t want to talk about it.” Wei Wuxian’s reaction makes it seem like Jin Zixuan said something really shitty, like “don’t you dare mention that woman to me!” So I’m assuming something is being lost in translation. 

Lan Wangji tries to calm him down. He grabs Wei Wuxian’s sexy arm muscle and basically holds it until the Jiangs exit the scene. 

Nie Huaisang has placed himself between the opposing factions, which is unusually direct of him. In the future he’ll stick to being an unindicted co-conspirator when Wei Wuxian starts trouble. 

Ants in my Pants

Lan Wangji thinks kneeling can make Wei Wuxian cry, which is adorable of him. 

He really relishes this opportunity to be a pedantic tool to his new boyfriend that annoying boy he hardly ever touches, and it really doesn’t work out for him, poor lamb.

Jiang Fengmian stops by to show exactly how deep his affection for Wei Wuxian runs, and to give him whiplash from constantly changing parental expectations. In a couple of hours he’ll be laughing over WWX & JC’s hijinks.

Wei Wuxian takes this opportunity to fantasize about bad things happening to the other boy in the fight, which is in no way foreshadowing of anything.

Douche Dads Conference

We now convene this meeting of the douchebag council. Jiang Cheng is also invited even though he’s a prick, not a douche. <--important distinction

This is our first time meeting Clan Leader Jin Guangshan. He's actually the most sensible and best parent in this scene, but his smug self-satisfaction hints at his true nature. This actor, Shen Xiaohai, has been active in cdramas for a long while now. I wonder what he looked like 15 years ago?

...Holy mother of god.

Jiang Fengmian is the worst dad and the worst husband here. His clan believes in letting children do what they want - uhh YOUR child wants to marry Jin Zixuan. “I wrote a letter to her mother, who arranged this marriage.” Uhhh she arranged for her sickly, low-cultivation-level, sweet and vulnerable child to marry the heir of a rich and powerful clan, with a powerful mother-in-law who’s looking forward to loving and protecting her. Basically she’s guaranteed her daughter’s safety and comfort, and even potential happiness, since her husband may learn to appreciate her (and in fact, does, thanks to soup and repeated beatings from WWX).

Mom worked hard and probably spent a fair amount of social capital to achieve this. And you’re going to toss that aside because the boy thinks he’s too good for her? What the everloving fuck, how are you a clan leader in the first place? 

You can see that Jiang Cheng understands all of this and what a terrible choice his father is making here. 

So do the other adults in the room.

Jin Guangshen: our wives are going to kill us

Lan Qiren: I'm looking at a couple of dead men

Jiang Fengmian pointedly won’t listen to Jiang Cheng or let him speak, showing that all his talk about being free is actually bullshit, that only applies to other people’s children.

Jiang Chang vaults off of the deck to tell Wei Wuxian about it. Hottt

Sorry Sis

Wei Wuxian goes to Jiang Yanli to sorta-apologize and sorta ask to be let off the hook for fucking up her engagement, which he absolutely did. He knows it, which is presumably why he bows to her in paperman form while hiding outside.

At no time has Jiang Yanli indicated to anyone that she doesn’t want to marry Jin Zixuan, as far as I can see, or said she wanted to be defended from insults with punching. Look how good SHE is at defending a person from insults, for comparison.

Yin Iron Blah Blah Blah

The senior Lans meet with Jiang Fengmian  to talk about the Yawn Yin Iron. Yawn. 

Jiang Fengmian addresses Lan Xichen as Lan Gongzi, which is adorable, since he is a big boy to everyone else. His family calls him Xichen and other people call him Zewu-Jun.

Farewell and Fuck You

The three Jiang kids come to say goodbye.

Lan Quiren says goodbye with a heap of criticism for Wei Wuxian and the horse he rode in on, and Jiang Fengmian basically says, yep, that’s what he’s like, all right.  

Good thing Wei Ying gets so much verbal abuse at home he doesn’t take it very hard when he finds it in the field. 

Wangji doesn’t say goodbye properly, which will be a recurring theme for the two of them.

I don’t know if this is because he has a problem with goodbyes, or is just being a jerk, or because he’s so bad at lying he doesn’t dare talk to Wei Wuxian lest he reveal his travel plans. 

Indulgent Dad Continues to be the Worst

Jiang Cheng complains at Wei Wuxian for wanting to say goodbye to Lan Wangji, and WWX says he likes him because he is equal to WWX in fighting, whereas JC sucks. JC hits him tries to hit him--gosh, he DOES suck, comparatively. 

Yanli, who has been keeping these boys in line all summer, sighs deeply at her Dad’s tolerance for their hijinks. OP has five brothers and this sibling-hijinks behavior is 100% accurate, except for the part where it is happening at someone else’s house in front of the hosts. 

WWX pretending to be Lan Qiren where Lan Wangji can see him doing it, in front of Lan Qiren’s colleague and supposed friend, and just earning a laugh from the patriarch? Good lord.  Dad Jiang tolerating this is shocking, particularly in the in-show culture where corporal punishment is as common as tea. 

We’ve tried Nothing, and we’re all out of ideas!

Uggghh why are you like this?

Here in the real world, OP uses “positive discipline” with her child, and encourages other parents to consider it, particularly if your child is neuroatypical or asynchronous.  That said, JF should be punishing the crap out of both boys for this behavior every time it happens, or should quit being a clan leader.  He’s relying on Jiang Yanli to keep them in line while he gets to just be amused by them. And he’s letting Lan Qiren discipline Wei Wuxian instead of doing it himself. He suuuuuuucks. 

Lan Wangji watches all of this. Lan Xichen reminds Lan Wangji that without Wei Wuxian, he’s completely fucking miserable. Lan Wangji still doesn’t plan to bring him along on his trip, though.

Time to return to our lives of crushing loneliness

Rabbits

At this same moment when Lan Wangji is staring down the barrel of future loneliness, Wei Wuxian is already deciding to leave the (forbidden) rabbits in Cloud Recesses “In case Lan Zhan gets lonely.”  This small decision by Wei Wuxian - breaking the rules of Cloud Recesses for the millionth time - is kinder than he knows. Because what is the job of these rabbits? Let’s have a desaturated flashback. 

Lan Zhan spent 3 years in the ice cave. The rabbits kept Lan Yi company in the ice cave. So...did the rabbits sneak in to keep Lan Wangji company in the ice cave as well? I’m going to say yes. By ep 43 they are following him to the gate of Cloud Recesses so they are very attached to him.  Well done, Wei Ying.

Where my bitches at? Seriously, our warren needs bitches

(Is Watership Down still a thing people read? If not, just go ahead and assume all of OP’s rabbit jokes are about Watership Down because OP ain’t going to stop making them)

While Wei Wuxian annoys the bunny he has a flashback to the scene that happened 4 minutes earlier. The Untamed editors assume the viewership has the attention span of a goldfish, and I personally appreciate that they understand me so well.

Wei Wuxian figures out that Lan Wangji is going on the road alone, and tells the bunny immediately. The bunny is very concerned.

Writing Prompt: What do next-generation cultivators Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi wish for at lantern-lighting time?

[prongsies]

Erised • James Potter

PAIRING: James Potter x Black!Reader REQUEST:  James Potter falling in love with Sirius Black's younger sister whose in Slytherin house? She could be in-between Sirius and Regulus or younger than the both of them. - @victoriawayne-todd​​ WARNINGS: Mild language, bit sexually suggestive A/N: I’m just going through the requests now omg I’m sorry it took so long!

When James Potter fell in love with Lily- well, more of when he found himself deeply infatuated with her, it had been quick, like a sudden snap of a finger. He saw her at the Great Hall then, at aged 11, and he had never seen anyone as beautiful as her in his life. But that’s as far as it goes, he realizes now that he’s 16, his admiration for her stops at her physicalities, Sure, she’s got on hell of a personality as well, but they just don’t click the way he wanted to.

When he fell in love with (y/n) Black, however, he had managed to feel everything in slow motion. You see, while Lily’s was a snap of a finger, with (y/n) it was the slow flickering of a flame back to life- the drizzle of rain before the actual storm. 

It started off simple really, how James just ends up noticing small things about her like the way her bottom lip would stick out in a pout when she’s deep in thought, or how her tongue would show when she grins. They were just adorable quirks then, something James would notice out of the blue.

In the middle of that year was when he started feeling things, the rush in his system when her hand would brush his, the butterflies in his stomach when they’d meet each others eyes and she’d give him that lopsided grin, the breathlessness he’d feel whenever she’d wrap her arms around him. It was getting worse for James, his feelings were overwhelming.

It didn’t help when she spent the summer with some of her friends, because as much as James wanted a break from his feelings, he found himself missing her.

So in his seventh year, when they finally meet again in Platform Nine 9 3/4 for James final year and (y/n)’s sixth, he couldn’t help but pull her into the tightest hug that he can, taking her scent in, and not missing the way her fingers twirled the hair in the nape of his neck, sending goosebumps down his arms. It was quite embarrassing when she noticed it, smiling up at him as she reached over to rub his arms to calm it, which only made it worse because now the soft palm of her hands were rubbing against her skin.

“You alright, Prongs?” Sirius had asked once they settled into a compartment. (y/n) had left moments ago to join her friends, promising them she’d join them in the Great Hall for the feast.

“I’m alright” James replied. But he was far from it, especially since the thought of his best friend’s younger sister wouldn’t leave his mind. 

James had been made Head Boy that year, working alongside Lily Evans, the Head Girl. Younger him would’ve been ecstatic at the thought of spending more time with her, but now? not really. (y/n) had been made the sixth year Slytherin Prefect as well, Sirius told him, after the student who assumed the role dropped out of Hogwarts this year.

James thought as Head Boy she’d be the one approaching him for the assignation of duties or maybe to ask for some advice, but she usually came to Remus, which made James feel... weird.

They were in the courtyard one Saturday afternoon when she came bounding down towards them with a big smile on her face. James found himself staring at her as she propped herself onto the space between Remus and Sirius, stretching her legs outward, mimicking their positions.

“Hey Rem, can we do rounds together tonight? I wanna show you something in the seventh floor hallway I think you’d like” She said as she swung her legs over Remus’s lap, a habit of hers she only does to people she’d comfortable with.

“I’m afraid I’m not the one assigned to make that decision, love” Remus replied, James watching the way the mousy haired boy’s hand patted her knee as she chuckled. His eyes snapped up in surprise when Remus’ finger directed up towards him, pointing, “How about you ask James?”

(y/n)’s head turned towards him, the grin still prominent on her face, “James?”

“Well...” James started off teasingly, wanting to see her reaction. “I don’t think that’s a good idea...” He tapped a finger to his chin.

“C’mon James!” She was quick to her feet, tackling him onto the ground earning a loud mix of a groan and a laugh from the bespectacled boy as his back hit the . She was on his stomach now, straddling him as she let out a loud laugh. James was praying she wouldn’t notice how rapidly his heart was beating against his chest (and the thing going on... down there) - a dead giveaway of his feelings for her.

With one last laugh, she got off of him, proceeding to widen her grey eyes towards him in a pleading look while her bottom lip jutted out in a pout. She looked far too gorgeous that James would give anything in the world even if she wouldn’t say it, and so without much thought he mumbled a “Sure”

“Thank you!” She was gone before James knew it, returning back to her to the castle without so much as another word to the three of them. ___

“Maybe I’ll take you two there too” came (y/n)’s voice as James and Sirius walked her to her next class. Usually, James wouldn’t come along whenever she and her older brother would spend time between classes, but since he had dropped some of his subjects that year, he figured he could join them from time to time.

“What did Moony say?” Sirius asked softly. 

“How about I’ll tell you later? when we’re... alone”

“I can leave if you wish” James piped in, pausing his steps to look at the siblings. It seemed they had private matters to talk to, and James didn’t want to intrude just because he’s harboring feelings for the girl.

“Oh, don’t fuzz, Jamesy. I’m near my class anyway” She grinned at him. “I guess I’ll see you two later then”

With that, she reached over to land a peck on Sirius’ cheek - which the older boy wiped off in mock-disgust, before doing the same to James, who had instinctively wrapped an arm around her waist as she did so.

James didn’t know if it was just him, but did her lips manage to linger on his cheek longer? Her cheeks were tinted pink when she pulled away, her lips fighting off a smile. With a wave of her hands, she turned to walk away, her footsteps far quicker than usual.

“Mate, you alright?” Sirius asked once again, staring at James this time. He watched as the bespectacled boy’s cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red, and that is when it clicked. “James, do you like my sister?”

“What?! No- like your sister, that’s hilarious, Pads”

“So you think it’s hilarious someone would like my sister” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest with a questioning look. The smirk on his face had gone unnoticed by James, who had tried his hardest to deny his obvious feelings for the girl with the grey eyes and the dark hair.

“No, it’s not that-”

“It’s a yes or no question, Prongs. All you have to do it to pick one”

“YES, ALRIGHT!” James had screamed in his flustered state, earning looks from the students passing by them. In a flash, Sirius’ smirk turned into a grin, before ultimately becoming loud laughter. 

“That’s good to know”

“What do you mean?” 

“You’ll find out eventually” Sirius shrugged before walking ahead, but not before turning to look at James with a smirk. ___

“Hey (y/n), wait up!” James exclaimed, running after the dark-haired girl who had just left her Potions class. There was an unreadable expression on her face, but she was quick enough to send a smile towards him, pausing to allow James to catch up to her.

“So what are your plans for the rest of the day?” James asked, nerves building in his stomach. He wanted to tell her how he felt about her today, as soon as he can before he ultimately chickens out.

“Nothing really” She shrugged, “Although I was planning to visit the seventh floor again. If you want you can come with me? I do recall telling you I wanted to take you and Siri there, but we can wait til he’s free if you want”

“We can go now” James replied with a smile, “Besides, I’ve got something to tell you”

“Of course” She grinned before looping her arms around James’. With every floor they ascended into, James couldn’t help but feel more and more nervous. They’re alone. In an abandoned corridor. Where James would finally tell the girl he loves how much she meant to him.

His breath hitched when they finally made it to the seventh floor, his eyes scanning the room for anything peculiar that might’ve caught (y/n)’s eyes to have her returning here every chance she gets. However, they walked deeper into the halls of the castle, into a room James had never been to before.

“Promise me you wouldn’t tell anyone about this okay?” She told James as she pulled him in front of a curtain-covered... something, pulling the cover off to reveal a large mirror. 

There were runes carved on it arched wooden frame, something James couldn’t decipher, which made the antique mirror even more glorious and mysterious. Without much thought, he stepped in front of it, expecting to see himself, only for another visual to appear.

It’s him, he recognized, a couple of years older, but him. Only, he wasn’t alone. Beside him stood a woman with grey eyes and dark hair, their arms were wrapped in each other’s waists gently, while her free hand rests on top of his chest.

James’ chest clenched at the vision of what they could be, how happy they could make each other. Especially upon seeing the wedding band glistening on their older-selves fingers. It’s something he didn’t know he wanted before, but now that he’s seen it, he doesn’t have a doubt in his mind that is where he wanted his life to lead to.

“It’s called the Mirror of Erised” (y/n)’s voice cut through his thoughts, their older selves disappearing from the mirror, replaced by their actual reflections. “Apparently it shows you your deepest desires” She smiled at James through the mirror, “What did you see, James?”

“You” He replied breathlessly, seeing no point in lying now, “You and me together... a bit older”

Her smile turned into a grin as she grabbed James’ hand, watching how perfectly they fit together as their fingers intertwined. “We were married, right?”

“You saw it too?” James asked incredulously, turning away from the mirror to look at the girl beside him. Her eyes were glistening with tears as she nodded her head in disbelief that they had both seen the same thing.

James’ hand twitched in his side, and before he knew it, he had both her cheeks in his hands, pulling her towards him in a gentle but passionate kiss. She released a moan in delight as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

“I can’t believe it” She mumbled into the kiss before they pulled away, both grinning like mad men as they stared into each other’s eyes. James’ heart was beating against his chest rapidly again, willing himself to wake up if this is some kind of dream, and thanking the heavens above when it proved this was all real.

“This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life” James admitted before he was pulled into another kiss by the younger Black, his hands sliding towards the back of her thighs which he had used to hoist her up.

She squealed in laughter, wrapping her legs around his waist as she pulled away, only to bury her face into his neck as they melted into the embrace. They stayed that way for a moment, both too wrapped up in each other to realize someone had already walked in.

“You know, just because I gave you my blessing doesn’t mean I want to see you both shagging in empty hallways”

(y/n) was quick to detach herself from James, her cheeks flushing red as she faced her older brother, whose hands were holding that of Remus’. James, although embarrassed having been caught by his best friend, was more surprised to see the two together.

“Finally!” She exclaimed at the two, smiling, “Took you long enough!”

“Could say the same to you” Remus retorted, raising an eyebrow in their direction as James found himself instinctively wrapping an arm around (y/n)’s waist. ___

“I can’t believe Dumbledore allowed us back in here” (y/n) giggled as James pulled her back towards the seventh floor, shushing her as they turned into the far too familiar corridor. It’s been 2 years since James left Hogwarts, and a year since (y/n) had. From then, they’ve moved into their own cottage just a few minutes away from Sirius and Remus’, their relationship growing stronger by the day.

Now, two years into their relationship, it’s evident they’re still as in love as before, if not more.

“You’ve already got me, honey. There’s no need to look into the mirror” (y/n) teased as James detached himself for a moment, pecking her forehead as he turned to pull off the cover of the all-too-familiar mirror. 

He smiled as he saw himself once again. The vision remained the same, the two of them in each other’s arms, but this time there was a little boy joining them - who had (y/n)’s grey eyes and James’ tousled hair.

He watched as (y/n) turned to look at the mirror with a smile, a hundred percent sure she was seeing the same thing as she reached over to touch the mirror with her fingertips. With her distracted, James got down on one knee, tugging at the hem of of her dress to catch her attention. 

An audible gasp left her lips at the sight of him, tears pooling in her eyes as she stared at James. 

“(y/n), when I asked your older brother for permission to marry you, I swear he wanted to bash me in the head with a beater’s bat” His grin widened at the sound of her giggle. “Hush, darling. Give me a minute”

“Of course, love” She replied, wiping a few tears away, biting her bottom lip to stop herself.

“Here it goes,” James mumbled more to himself, “(y/n), you are not the most perfect girl in the world.. which ironically makes you the most perfect one in mine. Every day, I live in fear that you’d think I’m not the one for you, that you’d find someone else you know is more worthy of your time and your effort. But my doubts are washed away the moment I open my eyes each morning to see you sleeping so contently beside me. You are the light of my life, and I love you with all my heart. And it would mean the absolute world to me if you agree to take me as your husband for the rest of our lives”

“James,” She breathed out, joining him on the floor as she knelt in front of him as well, cupping his cheeks as she wiped away the tears he didn’t know were already falling from his eyes, “Yes, yes of course!” 

She wrapped her arms around him in an embrace, burying her face in his chest as her tears continued flowing from her eyes.

“Wait” James breathed out through sniffles, chuckling slightly at the sight of his fiance red-nosed - although he knew he was in the same state, “Let me slip your ring on, love”

“Right” (y/n) giggled as she held out her hand. 

James pulled out the ring from the velvet box, slipping it into her finger where it rested snugly against her skin - a perfect fit.

“I love you” He couldn’t help but whisper as he helped her up back to her feet, pulling her against him as he captured her lips in his in a sealing kiss.

“I love you too”

[vodkassassin]

Ok let me set the scene: SQQ had grown used to his multiple layers of clothes, and it was never a problem untill the day he and (your closen love interest) decided it was time for papapa, que the twenty minutes of SQQ instructing how to carefully take off his each and every layer. The steamy vibes slowly disapear. The curtains close.

I know you wanted this to be steamy, cousin, but I slapped platonic cucumberplane onto it instead and it turned into a big Mess of Feelings instead of romantic comedy 😅 my bad! @overlordmoth

—

The first time Shen Yuan is forced to attend a inter-sect banquet is memorable, if nothing else. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the event itself, but what happened afterwards.

The food was alright. He’s been spoiled, he thinks, by his adorable disciple’s god-tier cooking, because though the organization committee had gone all out and hired the fanciest of catering staff, the food itself was… he wouldn't go so far as to call it disappointing, per say, but it had been a bit bland when he’d tried it. He finished off his meager plate of appetizers and resolved not to touch any other dish thereafter. He’ll just eat a meal when he gets back to his peak.

Luckily, inter-sect conferences aren’t a constant occurrence. They only happened once every few years, as a way for the many sects of xianxialand to share information and gossip. Shen Yuan has had two years now, to get used to being Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu, and he’s grateful for the extra time he was given to learn his character before he was forced to debut into such a public setting, where Shen Jiu has long-since created himself a reputation.

Much like the reputation amongst his own sect, everyone in the cultivation world seems to know how Shen Jiu had been. Tonight is the first time since his fever (and Shen Yuan’s transmigration) that Peak Lord Shen steps into the limelight and shows exactly how drastically he has changed in character.

It doesn’t go as terribly as he expected it to, honestly.

When he’d first entered the hall, the amount of stares that had immediately zeroed in on him and began dissecting his every movement was… overwhelming, in a way. Shen Yuan is used to stares. He has to be, just to walk around his own peak. His disciples are nosy, gossipy young masters and maidens. For all that they seem to admire and respect him, there is never a single moment when Shen Qingqiu does not feel their eyes following him as he walks from one classroom hall to the next.

The banquet is much the same. Instead of his disciples, however, these are matured (in a manner of speaking) cultivators of sects not his own. Which means Shen Qingqiu has to be on the lookout and watch his own back.

Or he would have had to, had his fellow transmigrator not been in attendance as well.

He supposed he’s lucky, that all the peak lords were required to attend this ridiculous party.

He spends the first ten minutes or so proving to these cultivators that, though Shen Qingqiu has obviously changed, his tongue is still just as acerbic and barbed as it had been before, perhaps even more creatively so now that he’s changed. It puts strained, polite smiles onto the faces of men and women who had approached him in attempts to size him up and find a hand hold for themselves.

Joke’s on them.

As pleased as he is to discover them just as easily taken down a peg or two as his own sect members, Shen Qingqiu grows exhausted of this game rather quickly. Once he sends the last cultivator away with their tail between their legs, he snaps his fan closed with a flick of his wrist and turns on his heel before the next can even think to approach him.

It’s out of character, apparently, for Shen Qingqiu to throw the towel in when the first hour hasn’t even passed. Raised eyebrows and confused eyes follow him as he steps off to the side and sidles up to where the only other millennial in this world is leaning against the far wall of the hall, cradling a cup of tea in his hands and staring at the floor likely in the hope that no one will come speak to him.

As much as he whines that he never gets as much attention as the other peak lords, Shang Qinghua always prefers the sidelines. All the better to remain unnoticed, that he may more efficiently observe their guests without them realizing that the An Ding peak lord’s eyes see far more than any of them could ever think.

When Shen Qingqiu leans his back against the wall beside him, Shang Qinghua gives a startled jolt. His tea sloshes in its cup, thankfully not spilling over, and he raises wide eyes to meet Shen Qingqiu’s look of ridicule.

“Ah….” For once, his friend seems lost for words, and Shen Qingqiu resists the urge to frown at him. “What’s up?”

“If I’m going to make it even a single hour in this party, much less the full ten it’s scheduled for, then I’m going to need someone to listen to me complain.” Shen Qingqiu begins succinctly. “As my bro, that’s your job.”

Strangely, Shang Qinghua seems to perk up at this. He swirls his tea around — and from the sharp scent that wafts upward to Shen Qingqiu’s nose, tea isn’t the only thing in that cup — and casts Shen Qingqiu a cheerful smile.

“A party isn’t a party until you’ve made fun of every single partygoer behind their back at least twice,” his fellow peak lord agrees.

Shen Qingqiu smirks at him.

He snaps open his fan to cover it when he hears a few murmurs of shock from the people who are still watching him like hawks for any sign of difference between him and Shen Jiu. It’s so fucking tiring.

Shang Qinghua huffs a quiet laugh and shoots him a look of sympathy.

“How many bodies do you think you can help me hide before someone notices that guests are beginning to disappear?” He asks nonchalantly, and his mouth curls into a more genuine smile behind the safety of his fan when Shang Qinghua’s shoulders start to shake with laughter.

“Don’t ask me that,” the slightly shorter man breathes out in mirth, eyes bright. “Between the two of us, we can absolutely make it happen. It’s best not to even tempt it.”

“As you say,” Shen Qingqiu sighs despondently, fluttering his fan before his face. It’s beginning to grow a little too warm even in the huge, cavernous banquet hall. That’s what happens when you shove an entire crowd of people into the same room together. It gets stuffy.

The banquet passes a little quicker than it would have otherwise, with Shang Qinghua by his side to exchange quite jokes and banter with. A particular, good-natured target for them both is Liu Qingge, who’s squirelled himself into a different corner of the hall with three jars of alcohol and whose grave glare is enough to chase off anyone who’d wish to speak with him. The poor man just isn’t built for socializing. At least it’s clear that there’s someone who’s having a worse time here than Shen Qingqiu is. It might be mean, but it makes him feel better nonetheless.

It’s nice to have someone who actually understands every meme and pop culture reference Shen Qingqiu slips into his mockery of the banquet guests. The only issue is having to smother his real, genuine laughter when Shang Qinghua comes back at him with something actually hilarious. It would surely rock the cultivation world to its very foundation if Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu burst into laughter in the middle of an inter-sect banquet for all to see.

Even with the allowances he’s slowly acquired for himself in the time since he disabled the OOC lock, his martial siblings would certainly send for Mu Qingfang to check him over.

Still, the comfortable atmosphere of mockery aside, several hours is still several hours, and by the time Shang Qinghua is down to the dregs of his seventh cup of tea (plus the obvious pick-me-up he adds to it), Shen Qingqiu is incredibly fucking done with this entire farce.

Opening his fan to conceal his face, he leans over slightly into his friend's space and quietly says, “You wanna blow this popsicle stand?”

The clear effort it takes Shang Qinghua not to wheeze is gratifying. “Are we even allowed to do that?”

“We’re peak lords,” Shen Qingqiu says, shrugging his shoulders lightly. “We can do whatever the fuck we want. And, speaking as a millennial — who’s going to stop us, really?”

Good thing they’d dissolved into speaking English three hours ago. If someone heard the cold, and graceful Lord Shen verbally curse then he’d probably be forced to undergo another test for possession with Wei Qingwei when they all got home. Annoying as hell, those things. They took hours and he wasn’t even allowed to read to pass the time!

“Point,” Shang Qinghua admits.

“Plus,” Shen Qingqiu raises his fan up a bit higher to hide his entire expression and makes a face. “I, uh…. need a favor, from you.”

Shang Qinghua blinks over the rim of his teacup at him. He stares at him for a long, wordless moment, and then his eyebrows shoot up.

“The peerless peak lord Shen,” he says lightly, mouth quirking, “needs help—?”

“Airplane.”

“—from little ol’ me?”

“Imma gut you,” Shen Yuan mutters, fan fluttering.

Shang Qinghua beams at him. He pushes up off the wall and steps over to the nearest table to set his now-empty cup on its surface.

“Yeah, okay,” the man says.

Appeased, yet miffed, Shen Qingqiu raises his chin up and snaps his fan closed sharply enough to make a noise. “Good.”

They leave. There’s a multitude of stares that follow in their wake, from both strangers and their own martial siblings across the hall, but neither of them pay them any mind, aside from the way Shang Qinghua’s shoulders raise defensively almost on instinct. A nervous habit that the man will probably never rid himself of.

Three minutes later, they’ve closed themselves away in Shen Qingqiu’s guest quarters of the venue — the conferences are to last for at least three days, minimum, so each sect has their own pavilion for the overnight stay — and Shen Qingqiu stands grumpily in the middle of the room while Shang Qinghua collapses against the bed and laughs himself silly.

“Y-You need me to—?” The man wheezes, one hand pressed over his mouth as tears prick the corners of his eyes, his other arm holding his side. “To—?”

“Yes, it’s very amusing,” Shen Qingqiu deadpans, eyebrow twitching. “And what a friend you are, to laugh in the face of my plight. What, do you expect me to ask anyone else? Who would you suggest? Yue Qingyuan? As if! Of course I need your help, idiot!”

“I’m sure Sect Leader would be very obliging if you were to ask,” Shang Qinghua giggles from where he’s curled up on top of the blankets. He waggles his eyebrows. “Very obliging.”

“You disgust me,” Shen Qingqiu sniffs. He tugs at the front of his robes, and casts his friend a helpless look. “Seriously, how am I suppose to get out of this — this death trap?!”

Because, for such a fancy and important occasion as an inter-sect conference opening banquet, the guests are of course expected to wear their most formal robes. And, in xianxialand, formal robes mean layers. Layer upon layer upon layer. And extra baubles on top of that, like multiple-section headpieces and jewelry and gauzy, sheer, bedazzled over robes.

Truly, the opulence and over-the-topness of the cultivation world never ceases to make Shen Qingqiu raise his brow.

“I get what you mean,” Shang Qinghua chortles. “Stop your bitching, bro, I know how to escape these things, no problem.”

He hops up from the bed and makes his way over, reaching for the outside clasps of the over robe without even asking first. Shen Qingqiu does mind, holding his arms out to give his friend better access. Honestly, there is never any dignity lost between the two of them, what with their modern sensibilities. Not that Shen Yuan ever had much dignity to begin with, being a lifetime recurring hospital patient in his last life. As Shen Qingqiu, peer immortal master that he is, however, he at least has to pretend he does.

With everyone other than Airplane, that is.

“Thanks,” he says, grumbling but grateful, as Shang Qinghua carefully but without ceremony shucks off his outer robe and the one underneath it.

The man steps closer after laying those out on the bed, and tugs at the ties of the belt that hold the next robe closed. After a series of finger gymnastics that Shen Qingqiu can’t really make head nor tails of, his friend reaches up and pulls the silk down from his shoulders and reaches a hand inside to pull at the smaller ties hidden within. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Shen Qingqiu had seriously felt like he was putting together a piece of IKEA furniture when he’d originally gotten dressed. Overly complicated, the instructions were all in Swedish, and it was nearly impossible to accomplish on one’s own. But, he‘d done it!

Dismantling it all, however, was another thing entirely, and he thanks whatever higher power there is, that Airplane is here to lend him that hand without any of the awkwardness that someone with ancient Chinese sensibilities would bring.

“Thank god these things are only like, twice a decade,” he groans, leaning back so his fellow transmigrator has easier access to free him of the next stifling layer. “If this body didn’t have that handy cultivation temperature regulation magic bullshit you came up with for that scene in chapter one-hundred twenty, I’d be sweating buckets right now. Next time I get an invitation to a banquet, I’m refusing, no matter how much Yue Qingyuan puppy-dog eyes at me”

Shang Qinghua directs an odd, slanting smile down at the belt he’s working free, nimble fingers pulling and tugging gently at the ties so they don’t accidentally tighten instead of loosen.

“Yeah,” he says, quiet. “... I’ve never been a fan of banquets either.”

Shen Qingqiu holds back a scoff. And then lets it free, because there’s nobody here but Shang Qinghua, who knows him and won’t ever begrudge him for showing actual emotion. “I can’t imagine anyone being wrapped up in thirty layers and expected to socialize with sharks for ten fucking hours and actually enjoying it.”

Shang Qinghua ducks his head down, smile disappearing. He tugs the ties free and reaches up to slip another layer off of Shen Qingqiu’s shoulders, but he keeps his eyes lowered. Shen Qingqiu pauses, frowning at him. Something’s off.

“...Airplane?”

“It’s not that,” Shang Qinghua shrugs helplessly, tugging at the ties of the next robe without much effort to pull them loose. There’s a slightly uncomfortable expression on his face that makes Shen Qingqiu frown deepen. “I actually don’t mind all the layers. My parents dressed me in hanfu all the time when I was a kid in my past life, so I was already used to it before I even transmigrated. The food at banquets is really good, too, and the socialization isn’t so bad once you look at it as just a political pissing contest. Banquets could be fun, really.”

“But they’re not,” Shen Qingqiu guesses, and reaches out to clasp his friends hands in his, pulling them away from his belt. They twitch in his hold, like Shang Qinghua wants to fidget, a nervous tick.

He’s only half dressed at this point, but right now he’s more concerned with the shuttering expression on Shang Qinghua’s face than anything else. “Not for you, at least. Why?”

Shang Qinghua glances nervously up at him from beneath his lashes, only to look back down again and grimace. “They’d be a lot of fun, if I wasn’t… me, I guess? Today is the first time I’ve actually enjoyed a banquet since I first started attending them as a head disciple.”

Shen Qingqiu presses his lips together as his friend lets out a mirthless, unamused laugh. He squeezes the hands he’s holding, and Shang Qinghua‘s shoulders droop.

“It was also the first time anyone’s actually stuck by me and actually talked to me, though, so,” the other finally glances up, an odd and fragile smile on his face as he chuckles weakly. His eyes are shining a bit damply, and Shen Qingqiu locks his teeth together when he sees it. “I guess it makes sense? Banquets are a lot more fun when you’re not, um… totally alone the entire time! Haha…. who knew, right…?”

Shen Qinghua shakes his head slowly. He ignores his state of undress and reaches out to draw his friend into his arms.

Sometimes, Shen Yuan wishes he’d transmigrated into Shen Jiu’s life earlier than he had. Sure, the cons far outweigh the pros, in such a situation, but at least his friend would have had someone in his corner for all the times that their martial family had snubbed him. Airplane may have brought the anxieties and insecurities of his past life along with him into this one, but Shen Yuan doesn’t doubt for a single second that in the decades that Airplane has been Shang Qinghua, they have been made much stronger (and oftentimes crippling) by the actions of the people who are suppose to stand by him and have his back.

It’s infuriating, when he lets himself think about it for too long, so usually he doesn’t. And then it smacks him right in the face, like now, and Shen Yuan feels nothing but bitter resentment toward those people who are supposedly his friend’s martial family.

Shang Qinghua makes a quietly surprised sound, but doesn’t protest. In fact, the other melts against him, hands coming up to grasp at the front of his robes, and he tucks his face into the junction between Shen Qingqiu’s shoulder and neck. He sucks in a slow, stuttering breath that makes him tremble, and Shen Qingqiu reaches up one hand to bury into the back of his friend’s hair, curling his fingers into the strands.

“It must’ve been extra rough when the original goods was still around,” he comments quietly.

Shang Qinghua shudders, and then nods his head against his shoulder. “H-He was a real jerk, but usually he was too busy verbally flaying all the guests from the other sects alive, to pay me much mind. Thankfully.” The An Ding lord lets out a wet chuckle.

Shen Qingqiu allows another frown to cinch at his brow as he pets his hand through his friend’s hair. “And none of the others ever…?”

“Why would they? I’m just — I’m just… An Ding.”

Shen Qingqiu tightens the arm that he has wound around Shang Qinghua’s waist, and his scowl depends when he feels his friend shake.

The door opens then, because of course it does. Someone peaks their head in, and who else is it going to be but Yue Qingyuan, looking for his precious Xiao Jiu, who apparently isn’t one to leave a banquet early when there are still guests left to verbally knock down several pegs and cripple the self esteem of?

The sect leader opens his mouth, and closes it. Shen Qingqiu watches impassively the journey of emotions the man’s face undergoes as he takes in the scene of a half dressed Xiao Jiu holding a trembling Shang Qinghua in his arms. Yue Qingyuan’s face is pale and there’s two splotches of bright red on both his cheeks. He looks both mortified and horrified in equal measure.

Shen Qingqiu wraps his arms tightly around the other transmigrator, holding the still-trembling Shang Qinghua to his chest, and narrows his eyes at the sect leader viciously.

“Leave,” he snaps. His best friend doesn’t deserve having anyone spying on this moment of real vulnerability.

Yue Qingyuan beats a hasty retreat. The door closes softly behind him.

Shang Qinghua gives one last shudder, before going lax in his arms, letting Shen Qingqiu hold him up with his strength alone. The An Ding peak lord reaches out his arms to wrap them around Shen Qingqiu and return the hug, clutching tightly at him.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” the man says, voice slightly choked, and Shen Qingqiu swallows thickly. It’s clear that Shang Qinghua is talking about more than just tonight’s banquet.

“Me too,” he says, and finds that he actually means it.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About The Mitchells vs. the Machines

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is up there as one of the best installments of the MCU. Sure, the action and CGI sucks, and the season finale could use a bit more polish, but there is so much more of what it does right. It brings up an engaging discussion through Karli; the bromance between Bucky and Sam is incredible; Zemo's surprisingly a riot, and U.S. Agent is a character whose inner psychology is something I would like to study. Plus, the series really dives deep into the themes of race and the realistic hesitance that comes with making a black man Captain America. It's easily an 8/10 series that is worth an in-depth discussion.

But f**k that s**t, because I'm talking about The Mitchells vs. the Machines instead!

I know it might be questionable that reviewing a movie starring a predominantly white family of idiots saving the world instead of the TV series about the powerful journey of a black man taking the mantle of an American icon...but this movie is fun, alright? And yes, I'm going to spoil it to explain how. So if you still have a Netflix account, I highly suggest you check it out when you have time.

Because, random people on the internet who most likely won't read this, this Ordinary Schmuck who writes stories and reviews and draws comics and cartoons is going to explain why The Mitchells vs. the Machines might just be my favorite film of the year (steep contest, I know).

WHAT I LIKE

The Animation: Let's get this out of the way right here and right now: If a single person ever tells you that this movie has awful animation, or the worst animation they have ever seen, just go ahead and assume that person is an idiot. Because holy hot cheese sticks, does this movie look amazing!

Say what you want about most of Sony Pictures Animation's movies, but you have to admit that they nail making a CGI movie looking like it could be in 2D. And The Mitchells vs. The Machines is the peak of that style. Every character in nearly every frame looks like they could work well if the movie was hand-drawn, and I love it. I am addicted to seeing films that look 2D with a 3D makeover because there has to be ten times the amount of effort to get that look just right, what with modeling each character in unique ways to nail that style wherein a hand-drawn film, you could just, well, draw it. Not to mention that the cell-shading and certain hand-drawn elements also add to the aesthetic.

Plus, there is so much attention to details, such as most of Katie's character model being covered in sharpie, or how you can see a hint of Eric and Deborabot 3000's drawn on faces even though their black screens are showing something else. Seriously, you can listen to any criticism this movie gets, but don't you dare let someone get away with telling you that it looks awful. It doesn't. It's incredible, and I SO wish that I could have seen it all on the big screen.

The Comedy: On top of being incredibly well-animated, this movie is also incredibly funny. Like, really funny. I shouldn't be surprised since it's made by the same people responsible for Clone High and The Lego Movie, but yeah, I found myself laughing, chuckling, and snorting with nearly every joke in the film. Not every joke works, to be fair. But because of the fast-paced humor, the bad jokes are almost immediately followed up with better ones soon after. What's even better is that the writers know when to take a break with the humor and let some surprisingly compelling drama take over. And even then, when there are jokes during the dramatic moments, they add sincerity to the scene rather than take anything away. Looking at you, The Amazing World of Gumball...I mean, I love you, but sheesh, you need to learn to let a solemn moment play out.

Anyways, the comedy is hilarious. And while I won't spoil every joke, I will go over some bits that might have gotten to me the most.

Katie Mitchell: Let's just go ahead and add Katie Mitchell to the list of characters I highly relate to on a personal level (which is getting longer by the minute, hot damn). But jokes aside, I really like Katie. Her love and desire to make movies is something I identify with, and her goal to just go to a place where she feels like she belongs is easy to understand. Trust me, if I found out there was a group of weirdos who like the same things I do and enjoy the things I make, I’d be willing to pack everything I have and go to them as fast as possible too. Plus, I feel like a lot of us can relate to a character who lives in a household where people question if our career goal is something we can make a living with. I remember two years ago when I told my aunt that I wanted to make my own animated series, and her reaction is a little too similar to Rick's when Katie showed him her movie. They mean well, but sometimes it's for the best to have a cheerleader rather than a critic, especially if that person is family.

Now, Katie isn't perfect as her enthusiasm can get a little annoying at times, and her desire to leave can be conceived as a little too harsh as well. Still, she's pretty cool and serves her role as a protagonist pretty well...also, if the movie gets a sequel, let's hope she and Jude become cannon by then. GIVE KATIE A GIRLFRIEND, DAMN IT!

Aaron Mitchell: But as great as Katie is, it's this goober that earns the reward for my favorite character. At times it looks like Aaron is nothing more than a source of comedy, but he handles some dramatic moments really well. Partial credit goes to Michael Rianda for that one. Yeah, having a child actor would have made Aaron sound more like a kid, but no other voice could have fit him better than what Michael offers as he comes across as weird but never obnoxious.

Also, let's give the writer points for making a character who is clearly neurodivergent. Yet also refraining from having him be annoying or useless to the rest of the cast. No one ever really disrespects or belittles Aaron and instead chooses to work with him rather than against him. Especially Katie, who forms a solid sibling bond with Aaron as a fellow weirdo. It's genuinely sweet to see, and I loved every minute that the writers showed that just because someone acts on a different wavelength doesn't mean they shouldn't be treated any less because of it. You get that with Katie, a little bit, but I see it much more with Aaron, for some reason. And I love him every minute, so that’s a win.

(Plus, I may or may not have had a dinosaur phase when I was younger, so go ahead and add him to the list of relatable characters too.)

Rick Mitchell: This is probably a character you will either love or hate, and I can see both sides of that argument. Because on the one hand, I really like Rick Mitchell. His motivation is clear and understandable from the first set of home videos with him and Katie, both near the beginning and the end. Sure, he messes up a lot, but he is still a man who cares deeply about his daughter, as well as his entire family. He gets to the point where he would make great sacrifices for all of them, especially Katie. Plus, it's just pleasant seeing a cartoon dad who isn't a complete idiot or overprotective regarding his daughter's love life.

However, there are times when Rick comes across as an irresponsible d**k. When he does things like smash the family's phones without telling them or giving them screwdrivers for "presents," you're either gonna find that funny or you won't. Personally, I enjoy Rick and his antics, and I have no problem with irresponsible cartoon dads. As long as they don't cross the line toward Modern-Peter Griffin territory, I've got no problem with dads like Rick, who I believe has never even got that bad. Still, some people might think differently, and I can't blame them. Because after getting great cartoon dads like Greg Universe, I can understand if some people won't be interested in characters like Rick Mitchell.

Rick’s and Katie’s relationship: Alongside the top-notch animation and gut-busting comedy, Rick and Katie's relationship is what I consider the movie's most essential asset. These two are the main characters of the film, and as such, they develop through each other. And what's crazy is that they have very conflicting goals. Katie wants to escape and be with her people, where Rich just wants one last chance to have a good memory with Katie before she leaves. To do so, they first have to understand each other. Katie has to learn why Rick is so desperate to spend time with her, and Rick has to realize why Katie is, well, Katie. What I love most about it is that they try. These two don't spend the entire movie arguing and being at each other's throats until a sudden "Oh" moment in the end. No, there are actual moments when they genuinely try to understand one another and fix their relationship. It's nice to watch, and I especially love when it cuts to Linda and Aaron celebrating each time Katie and Rick get closer to each other. When recommending this movie, I'd say come for the animation and comedy, stay for the phenomenal relationship building.

Monchi: There are probably people already comparing Monchi to Mater or the Minions due to being a comic relief with nothing else to add...but gosh dangit, do I love this little gentleman. Maybe it's because I'm a dog person, but I find Monchie to be incredibly adorable, and I will fight anybody who disrespects this king of kings. Probably not physically, 'cause I'm a wuss, but I will verbally. So WATCH IT!

“HeLlO. i Am DoG.”: Have I mentioned that this movie is funny?

Rick’s videotapes of him and Katie: And right there. Rick's motivation for everything is set in stone through a solid case of visual storytelling.

PAL: The writers do almost everything they should have with this character. PAL might not have the most creative evil plan in the world, but to me, a villain can have a generic scheme as long as they're funny. Thankfully, PAL is funny. Not only is the idea of a smartphone ruling the planet hilarious in all the right ways, but Olivia Colman delivers such a great cynical energy that the character needs. The way PAL reacts to people explaining why humans are worth living is just the best, and her flopping around in a fit of rage successfully gets to me.

If I had to nitpick, I'd say that I wish PAL had more of a meaningful resolution to her character. The movie builds up that she makes a big deal about Mark dropping her, so it feels weird that neither of them really get any actual closure with each other. I'll get more into that in the dislikes, but I wish PAL had more of a fitting end than just dying after accidentally getting dropped in a glass of water. Other than that, she's a great comedic villain for a comedic movie.

PAL MAX Robots: These guys are the funniest characters in the movie. Half of it is the bits of visual humor, while the other half comes from the solid line delivery from Beck Bennett. Especially with Bennett's and Fred Armisen's Eric and Deborahbot 3000. These two are definitely the comedic highlights, as nearly every line they say is both hilarious and kind of adorable at times. And just like with Monchi, if you dare disrespect these characters, I will fight you. Because they are funny, and I will not hear otherwise.

PAL demonstrating what it’s like to be a phone: Have I mentioned that this movie is funny?

(Don't disrespect your phones, kids. Otherwise, they'll try to take over the world.)

PAL turning off the Wi-Fi: Again, have I mentioned this movie is funny?

“I love the dog. You love the dog. We all love the dog. But at some point, you’re gonna have to eat the dog.”: It's the sick jokes that get to me the most. Everyone booing Rick afterward is just the cherry on top.

Attack of the Furbies: Have I. Mentioned. That this movie. Is funny?

Seriously, if you haven't lost your s**t during every second of this scene, then you never had to deal with the demonic entity that is a Furby. In a way, I commend you. But you also don't get to appreciate the comedic genius of all of this. So I also weirdly feel bad for you.

The Mitchells deciding how to celebrate: You don't have a real family if you spend more time arguing about how to celebrate after saving the world than you do about how to save the world. I don't make the rules. I just abide by them.

The PAL MAX Primes: There's not much to say about them. The PAL MAX primes look and act pretty cool, are brilliantly animated, and raise the stakes while still being funny at times. I love 'em, but I don't have much to analyze with them either.

The origin of the moose: ...I'd make the "I didn't need my heart anyway" joke, but to be honest, it's still shattered after WandaVision.

(For real, though, this is a really effective scene that establishes why Rick makes a big deal with the moose and why he might feel hurt that Katie is willing to disregard it completely)

The Theme of Technology and Social Media: There's a theme about how family is important, and working hard on making things work is worth the effort. But that's a bit too generic for my tastes, so instead, I'm gonna talk about the equally important message this movie has about technology. Because as twisted as she is, PAL makes a great point. The technology we have today helps us in a variety of ways. It's especially useful with sites like YouTube, allowing content creators like Katie to reach out and share their voices. The only issue with technology is how people use it. Take note that the main reason why the Mitchells stand a chance against PAL is by using her own tech against her. Yes, over-relying on all the advancements around us can be dangerous, but if we're smart with how we use them, we can get by just fine. This movie isn't about purging all technology like most robot apocalypse stories are. Instead, it's about using it correctly and not being helpless sheep the second the Wi-Fi gets turned off. Which might just be the most unique thing this movie has going for it story-wise (more on that later).

The Climax: The Mitchells vs. The Machines has everything that I think I climax should have. First off, it utilizes callbacks and jokes that I wouldn't have thought twice on actually coming in handy for how the Mitchells win the day. But showing that Monchi causes the robots to malfunction turns a pretty "eh" joke into a solid case of foreshadowing.

Second, everyone does something. Some characters do more than others, sure, but the fact that every Mitchell, even Monchi, has a hand in beating PAL and her robots is a great sense of writing to me. It shows that you really can't cut anyone from the main cast, as they each add value to how they are essential to the plot. Even Aaron, who arguably does the least in the climax, still manages to be the catalyst to what is easily the best scene in the movie. Speaking of which...

Linda Kicks Ass: By the way, that's the actual name on the soundtrack. I'm not even kidding. Check it.

Anyways, for the most part, Linda seemed like a decent cartoon mom. She's insanely supportive but still has the common sense to keep her foot down, like agreeing with Rick to stay safe in the dino stop the second the apocalypse starts. A pretty fun character, for sure, but nothing too noteworthy...but the second she loses her s**t, Linda Mitchell frickin' SKYROCKETS to the best-cartoon-mom territory! Believe me when I tell you that seeing her slice and dice robots like a middle-aged female Samurai Jack is as awesome as it is hilarious. Does it make sense how she can suddenly do this? No, but at the same time, who gives a s**t about common sense?! Because this moment was epic, and I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching it over and over again.

Rick Learning How to Internet...Again: I consider this the funniest moment in the movie. Trust me, the Furby scene is a close, close, CLOSE, second...but I think this scene was funnier.

The final goodbye: This is what I'm talking about when I say humor adds to the dramatic moments. The Mitchells saying "I love you" in moose is pretty funny, but it's also a sweet moment given that this is absolutely how this family of weirdos would say goodbye to each other. And, yeah, I got a little misty-eyed during this scene. Especially when Rick saw Katie pocketing the moose. That s**t just cuts deep, man.

Alex Hirsch Voices a Character: ...That's it. I look up to Alex Hirsh as everything I want to be as a creator, and the fact that his name is on this movie fills me with joy. He's also a story consultant, so that can also explain why the movie turned out as great as it did...although there are some imperfections.

WHAT I DISLIKE

Katie-vision: What's Katie-vision? Well, throughout the movie, we get to see how Katie views the world as there are these hand-drawn elements that look like effects Katie would add if she was the one who made the movie. At times it can be subtle and cute, like when this little beating heart appears when Katie is talking with Jude and her other friends. It's when the movie is in your face with Katie-vision does it get annoying. Like showing how Katie is lying about being certain she can drive up a vertical ramp or signifying what is the Rick Mitchell Special. Even if you justify that this would be how Katie would edit the movie, it still doesn't change how obnoxious these moments can be. For instance, Monchi is justified to be essential for the plot, but that doesn't mean people won't hate him...I'll still fight them if they do, but that's beside the point.

I can totally accept this being a personal issue, as I'm sure some people enjoy it. As for me, I think Katie-vision works best when used subtly instead of crudely.

The Meme humor: It's something similar here. Because some people like meme humor...but I don't. To me, it just dates your story if you reference memes even once. Now, a show, movie, or book being partially dated is nothing new. We Bare Bears, a series that I love, reference memes, apps, and social media constantly. Yet, the show still has a timeless feel to it as it doesn't rely on those references too much. The Mitchells vs. the Machines doesn't rely on memes as much either. But even then, that doesn't make a difference about how annoying that gibbon monkey joke was. Seriously, what the f**k was that? And how is THAT the joke that gets used twice!?

Underutilizing Mark Bowman: It really bothers me how this guy barely does much. I mean, Mark Bowman is the main reason that anything happens in the movie. Because he mistreated PAL, Mark acts as the catalyst for events to come. So the fact that he could have been written out the second PAL takes control doesn't make sense to me. It's worse since I could see more potential with his character through his relationship with PAL. These two could be anti-Rick and Katie, as Mark and PAL show what happens when people disrespect their family. So separating them halfway through the story, and keeping them as such, is a huge mistake as it results in neither having a proper resolution to their arcs. Like I said, Rick and Katie develop through each other, and the same could have happened with Mark and PAL. It doesn't, making it something that I can't help but feel disappointed about.

The Poseys: These are characters I feel like work better with multiple appearances. Sure, they only have the one joke about being a perfect family, but at the same time, you can make a joke like that work. Look at Yvonne from Shaun of the Dead (Which might just be my favorite movie). That's a bit-character whose only purpose is showing how better she is than Shaun despite being in an eerily similar situation. But she works well as we constantly see how great she's doing in every instance we see her. The same could be done with the Poseys, as using a similar joke for one scene is underutilizing great potential to make an already good movie into a better one.

Plus, if you're gonna shoehorn in a romance between Aaron and Abby Posey, the least you could do is have more than one scene developing that...just saying.

Katie’s and Rick’s “Oh” Moments: I want to make it clear that I actually like these scenes. They're well written and effectively emotional. My problem is that they also happen two seconds apart. There's nothing wrong with having a character realize the error of their ways through a tear-jerking moment. It's a popular tactic for a reason. And given how both Rick and Katie are the protagonists, they both need their own "oh" moment. But you gotta space them out, as it makes things easier to see the emotional manipulation that you're clearly trying to pull on the audience. They work, but putting them back to back is an issue easily solved with at least two minutes of padding, not two seconds.

Katie’s Death Fakeout: This is one of the few instances that a joke doesn't work in the movie, made even more annoying with the fact that I could see the punchline a mile away and kept thinking, "Just get to it already." I'm pretty sure no one bought this, especially when Katie didn't look like she could have gotten killed in any way after throwing PAL. It's poorly handled and proof that even the funniest comedies have a stale joke every now and again.

Nothing New is really being done here: Keep in mind that in terms of style, this movie is incredibly innovative. And here's hoping future animated projects can take notes. But narratively speaking? Yeah, there's nothing really new that this movie is offering.

A story about how technology will be the death of us? Been there.

A story about a group of idiots miraculously saving the world? Done that.

A story about a father forcing their teenager on a road trip so they can spend quality time with each other, thus ruining the teen's chance of hanging out with their girlfriend? Believe it or not, I have seen A Goofy Movie...multiple times...both as a kid and as an adult.

Now, I have no issue with a movie's plot being a bit by-the-books, and in some cases, cliche. If done effectively, and if I still have a good time, I don't think there’s much to complain about. And there isn't with The Mitchells vs. The Machines. The problem lies with that I'll forget this movie along with the dozens of others like it in a couple years. Which might just be the biggest issue any film can have.

---------------------

Overall, I'd give The Mitchells vs. the Machines a well-earned A-. It has nitpicks, sure, but it's still a blast to watch. It might not be innovative or groundbreaking as movies like the last Sony Pictures Animation movie, Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse. However, it is fun. And when the world is burning down around us, it's nice to have a fun movie that can distract us from all of it. So feel free to log in to Netflix the next time you're in the mood for a film that is great for the whole family. You won’t be disapointed

(And I will talk about The Falcon and the Winter Soldier pretty soon. I just needed to get this out of my system first.)

[fizzingwizard]

OK gang here we go, episode 33!

It was better than last week, which was better than the week before, so... make of that what you will.

Pic of the week!

A look of steely Dan determination.

More below!

Like I said, this episode is an improvement on the last one, by virtue of plot stuff actually happening, a few big happenings, and references to the other kids that suggest they haven’t been completely forgotten about (only mostly). Don’t get excited though - it still leaves much to be desired. I cry endlessly for the animation budget. But let’s get into it...

Taichi and friends are still in pursuit of SkullKnightmon and Hikari. We found our for sure last week that the creature in the little crystal is, indeed, Millenniumon, or rather a fragment of him, and his fragments fell all around the Digital World at the end of the great war or whatever it’s called and they’re the source of the miasma and they absorb energy from the human world etc etc...

So we find this big ass crystal which seems to be the central one, I guess? because it’s the biggest? and several creepy looking acolytes (dun dun DUN it’s VADEMON my FAVORITE DIGIMON) surrounding it and chanting...

Vademon: Find the horcux, kill Harry Potter, find the horcrux, kill Harry Potter,

In other news, there’s a lot of doom and gloom happening with Jou, who, bereft of his underwear, is forced to censor himself with his partners head. Gomamon you don’t deserve this

Jou: I need to get away from these Nanimon before I go prematurely bald too!!

Mimi, meanwhile, is Boxing Champion of the World.

Koushirou is the only one working. He’s on his way to pick up Jou, so I guess that means Yamato will get Mimi? That’ll be fun lol. We saw Yamato for half a second but it was the same frame of him riding Garurumon we’ve seen five times already so why bother capping it.

Koushirou is also keeping an eye on the satellite situation but doesn’t know what to do about it yet. Kabuterimon asks if he shouldn’t take a break about now and Koushirou says “I’m okay, besides, this is the only thing I’m good for” T___T you know this would be heart-breaking if I really believed the writers have ACTUAL PLANS to make good on Koushirou-related character development.... >:[

no this honestly pisses me off so much but I STILL do believe we will get SOMETHING for him and the others and probably not too far in the future... I think... I hope ugh

Back to Team A, they see lots of Digimon coming at them. Taichi’s like “it’s an attack!” but Sora, whose Fight Mode unlike Taichi’s has an actual Off switch, is about to figure out that they are in fact not interested in the kids at all and are running away from something.

Taichi: I can’t believe they didn’t want to kill us. Doesn’t everything in this world want to kill us?

The Digimon are fleeing from a suspicious crater with a familiar stone in the center. SkullKnightmon raises his own crystal fragment into the air and stuff happens.

By stuff I mean black lightning and purple-blue light which is meant to signify Evil which is mega DUMB because blue and purple are the most awesome color combo EVER I mean it throw some turquoise in there too and I will buy it whatever it is a necklace a shawl a codpiece

There are eight crystals that rise from the ground surrounding the central crystal and share energy with it. I thought the number eight might be significant you know for obvious reasons but it doesn’t appear to matter in this episode.

Evil crystals or not, Taichi’s on his way to save Hikari once and for all!

Hikari: Thanks, but no thanks, oniichan.

Taichi: H-Hikari! You don’t understand! You’re too young to go off with a strange man!

Hikari: But oniichan I love him

Taichi: Who do you think I am, Tevye!? You’re not marrying him and that’s final!

Hikari: waaah why don’t you understand me!!

ok back to the story...

Hikari abandons her brother for his muscular studly lover SkullKnightmon.

... >_>

Using Hikari’s powers, SkullKnightmon evolves to Gundamon DarkKnightmon. Meanwhile there’s lots of chanting and stuff about this being SkullKnightmon’s purpose or some such. I still kinda hope we get a redemption arc for SkullKnightmon or that he has something more to do with the story...

Agumon stops Taichi from wigging out and they go to save Hikari together, but before they can they are beset from all angles by henchmen.

Sora: Hey, you take care of Tweedle Dee and I’ll get Tweedle Dum!

Birdramon: *gets punched in the head* I hope you brought enough aspirin...

Then these guys appear. I’ve forgotten their names but evil as they look they literally just stand there till they get blown up and then more appear... I guess that’s a kind of talent

Takeru: Leave the small fry to me!

Pegasusmon: Takeru when I said I wanted a Happy Meal this isn’t what I meant

Hikari begins to be absorbed into a dark pocket dimension of DarkKnightmon’s or something like that. It seems like a very chill experience.

Taichi: I’ll save you! Take my hand!

Hikari: O... nii... chan... Fuck you...

ok so here’s my problem here.

This is meant to be all emotional and stuff right?? Hikari’s been blowing off her brother for an unknown reason (we all figured out what it was but look the main characters don’t know and that’s what counts) and he’s finally managed to catch up with her. His hand is inches away from catching hers and pulling her to safety. She’s got creepy glowing eyes. She mouths “o..nii...chan...” with a creepy smile before being pulled into darkness.

I know it’s for kids so it’s not going to be too scary or anything but there ‘just like... no build up here. The storytelling style is too mathematical. “We go from Plot Point A to Plot Boint B via Battles 1 2 and 3...” There’s nothing happening in between to make us feel Taichi’s desperation, or even to know what Hikari’s feeling in this moment. Is she really okay with this? Is she having second thoughts? It doesn’t make any sense for her not to be scared. I fully expected her to go through with it, but she can be scared and still go through with it... come on...

It’s like that scene from Utena except sapped of any and all emotional impact.

I don’t really remember how Greymon got up there in the first place since he can’t fly but at least we get a scene of him and Taichi plummeting to the earth after failing to save Hikari. The kind of thing that would be dramatic if there were any kind of animation budget at all.

The one thing the show is sure to do is show us Taichi’s expressions, which I guess is something... It’s just so rushed and the accompanying dialogue leaves something to be desired.

Greymon: Don’t give up, Taichi... Taichi... um. what are you doing...

Taichi: stop hitting yourself stop hitting yourself stop hitting yourself stop hitting yourself

Anyway, Taichi is Big Mad. I thought (hoped, to be honest) that we might get a glimpse of him going wild with dark energy like in the Devimon episode again... Or at least a hint that that was a possibility in the heat of the moment before Agumon snapped him out of it. But nope.

He takes a moment to be upset and then says “There’s no time to worry about what to do” and goes to save Hikari... from inside DarkKnightmon somehow :P

This does not go well.

Meanwhile Hikari is surprisingly okay for someone who was just eaten alive by sentient VantaBlack. She discovers a peculiar light inside... DarkKnightmon’s intestine??? Is that where we are now??? lmao

She recognizes the light as the voice that has been calling her and tries to head towards it, but is blocked by some purple jello.

There’s a kind of cool thing that happens here... We just had a scene where Taichi desperately tries to grab his sister’s hand and yank her out of the clutches of evil, but fails, mostly because she doesn’t do anything to help him since she is weirdly okay with the situation. Now we get a mirror of that moment with Hikari bursting out of the jello with her arm outstretched to grab what is clearly Tailmon’s paw.

Only Tailmon does take Hikari’s hand.

It was really cool to see the brother and sister paralleling each other this much. It shows the ways they’re both courageous and determined and caring.

Meanwhile Taichi finally whips out WarGreymon. Honestly, I feel like this should have been WarGreymon’s intro episode. This would have been a good time for a new evolution, rather than in a fight with a nobody that I’ve already forgotten. Idk. WarGreymon uses Brave Tornado to knock DarkKnightmon’s lances away and burrow into his armor. So, yeah, Hikari’s in his intestines, lmao.

Hikari is being chased by a two-headed monster who is in for the migraine of its (their?) life when the tornado crashes into it.

Hikari: Big brother! You look so cool!

Taichi: Promise me that no matter how many men come into your life, I’ll always be number one.

Hikari: okay that is creepy

WarGreymon explodes DarkKnightmon from the inside out x’D and Taichi gets a redo of his hand-reaching scene. First he berates Hikari for running off on her own and then smiles.

Hikari says she always believed he’d rescue her. Aww.

Sweet sibling love.

Then there’s this really hilarious sound which turns out to be the Vademon hivemind giving a collective cry of distress x’D it’s lmfao amazing. Then they start chanting “Next time next time next time” just in case you thought Millennium was defeated and we can go home now.

Taichi: Sora, do you know where I can buy a leash for this kid? I can’t keep chasing her like this. Aren’t kids today supposed to be glued to their phones and never go outside?

Patamon’s Girlfriend Radar piques at the bundle in Hikari’s arms.

And it is indeed Tailmon, and she’s been waiting for Hikari all this time.

Tailmon: I am Tailmon, a Holy Digimon.

Patamon: oh my god you can’t just call yourself holy ugh you’re so self-centered

D’awww.

They’re both sooooo cute. I’m annoyed they didn’t get a cool ending card like Takeru and Patamon did last week though. But still, this is a sweet moment.

So, there’s not a lot to complain about in this episode, comparatively speaking. I wish we had more dialogue and understood the value of a dramatic pause etc. Also wish Sora and Takeru had more to do than fight the henchmen. Like, if you can just erase an entire part of an episode and it still works fine, you clearly didn’t need that part so why waste time on it.

But at least we do get reactions from Taichi, and at least we got plot development. The Taichi/Hikari parallels were cool. And even though I had other hopes for how this arc would turn out, I’m glad it’s over because maybe we can finally do some other stuff now. Maybe. I want to get back to Koushirou SOOO bad but more than anything I am still gobsmacked by how long it’s been since Yamato’s had anything to do but ride on Garurumon. That is WEIRD. He’s YAMATO.

Next week...

... Looks like it’ll be a light-hearted undersea episode. I’m cool with that. The preview clips had a “Sebastian’s Calypso” vibe that I dig. It’s still about Taichi’s group but I think that’s to do more actual face time with Tailmon and Hikari. I hope we see the others as well and if not maybe the week after. I will be happy if this episode has some personality to it.

[iamallybee]

Because peeps on my dash are hooked on the Deltadi ship and have got me hooked too, here's a basic outline of how Delta Dawn and Dickory got together in the Gumdrop AU! It also calls back to my other Trolls headcanon posts so you might wanna read those before this one. Putting under the cut because this is looooong!

All his life, Dickory had been told that one day he’ll meet that special someone, he’ll experience certain feelings, of love and intimacy. But Dickory just...never felt it. He felt love for his family but romance? Sexual feelings? It never came to him. During his teenage years, he did feel like he was broken. He felt pressured to start his first relationship, telling himself feelings would come. It...did not end well. In fact, you could say it made him feel more broken than ever.

But then the avalanche happened. Due to the mass loss of yodellers, many of the young adults were pressured to marry and have children quickly to increase numbers and save their culture. In fact, it became a new tradition for yodellers to marry as soon as they turned 18. The only one to refuse this was an 18-year-old Dickory. He may have been shunned a little for his decision (which made him feel worse about his lack of sexuality) but he honestly didn’t have time to think about that anymore. His was still a kid who parents literally just died with a baby brother left behind to take care of. He had no time for marriage, he’d say to the other yodellers. His brother needed him and that is totally the only reason why he couldn’t marry. Throughout his life, Dickory would continue to feel stress and sadness, not knowing about being ace/aro and still believing there was something wrong with him. But at least he has Hickory and his new bounty hunting job to distract him.

Anyway, TWT happened and as soon as Delta found out that Hickory was really two trolls disguised as one country troll imposing on her beloved town, she had them arrested and put on community service for a unspecified amount of time. So she and Dickory did not have the best start in the slightest.

Hickory was soon made to do a report on Pop Trolls and left for Pop Village (and thus beginning his own romance with Poppy and Branch but that’s another story). Dickory was made to stay and do humiliating duties (like clean up after the livestock) while enduring the mockery of the locals and the ridiculously high heat. The only good/kind of less worse thing he saw in this was the fact that Delta’s niece, Clampers, was strangely drawn to him. She would nag and ask him questions about why he has two legs, what are those stumpy things on your hooves and can I bite them? Annoyed initially, he soon warmed up to her as she reminded him of Hickory when he was a child. Their friendship reached a point where they even started playing together. Delta witnessed this one day and maybe, just maybe, her heart may have melted. But only a little.

One day, after a restless sleep, Dickory decided to take a walk about town in the early hours of the morning. His was surprised when his keen ears picked up on a faint, mournful song from the cemetery. He found Delta singing with tears in her eyes to the grave of her sister. After awkward small talk, they both open up about the loved ones they've lost and how it changed them. They found their experiences to be remarkably similar (Delta lost her sister in a mining accident and was left to raise her daughter) and from that point on, they began to grow closer.

Over the next several weeks, Dickory began to actually care about the Lonesome Flats community and his service became a lot more voluntary and a lot less punishing. He would help the elderly, fix up anything that needed fixing, even learned how to herd up the livestock (although his first attempt was a complete hilarious disaster that Growley Pete just loves to tease him about). The locals soon began to think of him as one of their own and gained their respect, in turn gaining Delta's trust.

Delta and Dickory's friendship grew in that time too. In the beginning, she would order him to do certain task or else she would make him do something much more humiliating which used to tick him off. Now, she would ask him or else she would 'threaten' him to make him clean out Growley Pete's hooves, which he would respond with a sarcastic comment with a smile. They were pretty much very buddy-buddy. But the locals weren't blind to the underlying romantic tension between them.

Delta absolutely knew she was having romantic feelings for Dickory but she was at first hesitant. Country trolls are the type to take romance on head first and confidently but she was afraid of scaring him off so decided to bide her time for the right moment. Not exactly made easy when her parents totally shipped them and would try everything in their power to embarrass Delta enough into confessing.

Dickory, on the other hand, didn't know what to feel. Sure, he liked Delta now but she was just a good friend to have a drink and a laugh with, throw sarcastic comments at, arm wrestle with, share personal and past trauma history with, stare at and wish to touch her stupid big beautiful hair, want to hold close to-uh oh!

Suddenly it was like he was a teenager again but this time it was different. He liked her but it can't be THAT kind of love. It didn't exist for him, remember? He couldn't feel that love for anyone because he never did and it would never happen. She's a friend you care a lot about and that's it. Besides, even if there were feelings (which there weren't), it would be best if nothing happened because come on, she would never want someone who didn't like...well, y'know.

Basically, Dickory's in denial pretty hard.

Anyhow, the country trolls have a pretty big shindig one evening where there's plenty of dancing, laughing, drinking and fun. Both Delta and Dickory were having a great time but just as buddies, right? 

However, at one point in the early hours of the morning, they found themselves alone together and Delta, in a drunken stupor with all logic thrown out the window, confesses and boldly kisses Dickory. And then she passed out.

In the days following, things were very awkward. Delta remembered the kiss and was horribly embarrassed for being so careless. She decided it was best if they actually sat down and talked about it like adults. Only problem? Dickory was now deliberately avoiding Delta. He didn't want to ruin the friendship they already had but he also didn't want to have the conversation he knew was inevitably coming.

Finally, a frustrated Delta decided to f this and confront Dickory head on. A huge argument blew up between them (which temporarily cleared out the town) which culminated to Delta demanding to know why he doesn't want to be with her and Dickory yells back 'BECAUSE I'M BROKEN, DAMMIT!'

Silence.

After the shock, the pair of them calm down enough for Delta to gently encourage him to explain further. Dickory shakily and tearfully admits his unresolved negative feelings about his asexuality, the yodellers pressure on him to marry, how much its affected him and how wrong he's truly felt all these years and yet he somehow has feelings for Delta that he doesn't understand and how he can't be the man she wants him to be or give her what she would ultimately want.

Shocked, Delta tells him that she's sorry she ever made him feel this way but she only wants Dickory to be himself and if being himself means that he can't give her certain things then that's okay because she loves him just as he is.

But Dickory, still confused, emotional and a stubborn old goat, decides this is the best time to run off and return home.

Heartbroken, Delta writes to Hickory that his community service is up and he is free to return to his home. She tries her best to continue her duties as mayor but everyone can tell she greatly misses Dickory.

When the brothers reunite back to their homes, they also try to move on as normal but both of them have a lot to think about in terms of the things they went through recently (again, Hickory had his own romantic shenanigans going on as well). One night, the two of them talk about what they went up to in the past weeks and realise that the other has experienced love and are too stubborn to admit it. They even have a big sibling argument about it. I mean whose dumb enough to not look past their own insecurities and see that they are loved and they love them back and they shouldn't let the past hold them down in finding happiness and - oh, I see what's happening here!

Anyway, its agreed upon that Hickory and Dickory should return to Lonesome Flats and Pop Village to confess their feelings to their respective loved ones and not see each other until they do or someone's ass is getting beat (y'know, normal sibling pact stuff).

So

In true spaghetti western style, Dickory returns to Lonesome Flats. He stares Delta down from one side of town to the other, locals watching with baited breath. He yells to Delta for the whole town to hear, that he was an idiot for running away and that he wasn't sure how they were going to figure things out in the future. But he's here now, he's not running away anymore and he loves her too.

Delta, without saying a word, storms up to Dickory, picks up up from under the arms and gives him a great, big, long overdue smooch to the cheers of the townsfolk and the cries of 'FINALLY' from her parents and niece (meanwhile, Growley Pete starts collecting bets).

Anyhow, Dickory moves to Lonesome Flats, eventually marries Delta, adopts Clampers as his niece, is fully content with being demiromtic/asexual, yada yada, happy ending, mwah! (I am a master of storytelling)

[ketchup-monthly]

Sanders Sides D&D 1

imagine virgil just cursing janus while out of combat, and theres one time where they end up going into a combat scenario while hes still cursed

but the thing with the curse is that if the creature dies while cursed, the warlock gains temporary hit points

so if cursed janus were to die, virgil would gain temp hp

Patton: omg, we need to save Janus Virgil, who cursed him yesterday: how about we let him die, then resurrect him later, yeah?

(roman and remus) lol they would totally just run into each other and instantly just hate

everyone else (except maybe patton) would figure out that theyre brothers but they would just deny it until their father (who maybe they were looking for) spelled it out for them

concept: they're an aasimar and tiefling both on a quest to find their long lost brother, but their both expecting their sibling to be the same race as them. they don't get along for both personality reasons and because, you know, aasimar and tiefling, but they're both in the party anyway

I just realized that as a changeling Janus can just change his height at will

Like to make a point to the twins when theyre acting up, he can change to be like 7 foot (still a medium creature tho)

But like. Subtly adjusting his height so much that no one notices until hes suddenly as tall as patton

"Im a growing boy" (true but also false)

tricking people by slowly growing/shrinking on them but trying to convince them it's the other way around

"dude, weren't you shorter a few minutes ago?" "i have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. are you feeling alright?"

"Youre getting taller" "No youre just getting shorter"

he gets like a full six inches on whoever he's pranking before they start really panicking

Except Virgil, who panics immediately

virgil also really notices bc in normal form, janus is only an inch shorter than him

despite being smart, Logan usually doesnt notice at all until Janus has gotten at least 4 inches taller, and then he knows whats going on

Virgil, realizing his sight line for Janus is slightly off: narrows eyes

roman takes a while to notice and he panics as well. remus thinks its hilarious. patton notices once Janus is taller than him (after 4 or 5 inches)

oh! because of the type of tiefling he is, Remus knows the vicious mockery cantrip

the thing is though, he would end up using it on the rest of his party too (everyone takes psychic damage on a failed wis save)

he would purposefully use it on his party members

as if he were a bard. he would try to inspire them but would instead harm them

remus is a barbarian who thinks himself a bard

he is a harbinger of chaos, we stan

he'd make your dad jokes at roman lmaoooo

not knowing hes talking shit about his own dad

he'd keep making them after they find out their siblings, probably tho

Roman: we have the same dad! Remus: >:)

im thinking about making romans name actually romulus but he goes by roman

bc romulus and remus

and bc roman seems to tame for a noble

okay so their dad is named Mars or some derivative of Mars, and their moms are Rhea and Silvia. Remus was in part raised by a beasthide shifter (the wolf kind) named Lupe (bc i need feral child remus)

probably romans mom was an aasimar and remus's mom was a tiefling (and while their dad was human, they ended up being an aasimar and a tiefling, respectively, bc dominant genes)

also the boys have inverted hair and eye colors

remus has dark hair with a white streak and red eyes, roman has white hair with smaller dark streaks all around and green eyes

as a drow, Virgil has light purple skin, white and purple hair, and eyes that have black instead of white and purple irises

Remus: hey, man, i need a heal Roman: no. go bother Patton Remus: Pat's out of heals Roman: Remus: dude, pls Roman: you are covered in muck and i don't even like you. no. no way Remus: Roman: Remus: please, brother Roman: ..........fine

roman heals him for 1hp

Roman: take a nap

what would be funny is if remus called roman his brother long before they knew they had the same dad but he did it to annoy him bc he knew roman hated it when he did it

Remus: hello, brother Roman: we're not brothers Remus: we're brothers-in-arms, aren't we? Roman: that's not the same! Remus: eh, close enough

Roman at Remus is the line from trail to oregon thats like "why am i even trying to help you, i hate you"

roman also just straight up refuses to heal janus, even when pat is out of spell slots

yeeee i have Patton as a druid but its just because i want his wild shape to be a giant frog (also druids are healers and have access to both cure wounds and healing word)

well in the first one, roman and remus are looking for their dad/the brother their mothers said they have

janus wanted to fuck shit up (not really, he was bored and annoying virgil is fun. and remus needed a babysitter)

(logan maybe knew roman previously and was sent as his babysitter)

romans got no brain cells. hes a noble on a quest. of course someone smart would be sent to keep him from dying

logan might work with Jan

(Bro, big dramatic reveal x chapters in, Jan knew Remus and romans father)

janus (handshake emoji) logan tired of keeping the twins from dying

i was thinking he was chosen by romans mom originally as like a "logan you are the only smart one please keep him from doing something stupid"

as a courtier, Janus would have known Roman and by extension Logan

so if hes really the one orchestrating the reason the main party got together, then (eyes)

virgil was a street rat, thats his background, so he likely knew at least of roman, janus, and logan. pat and remus are both wanderers of sorts, so that may be Pats connection to the main 4

okay but i had remus as an outlander, so like. maybe he was but then his mom took him away?

i had him as like a wild man child whose mom was like "hey you have a brother" and remus was like "sweet imma find him"

they were completely separate. romans mom was the daughter of a noble, so he was raised as a noble. remus's mom was either the daughter of a tribal chief or the chief herself, so he was raised like that. they had no idea that they had a brother. the moms likely knew, or they were told somehow by the dad, but they were completely separate

Mom: remus you have a half brother Remus: okay Mom: thats it? you're not shocked? Remus: mom do you think he'd like my bug collection?

(the answer is no, Roman does not like the bug collection)

Patton also does not like the bug collection

virgil and logan love it, and janus is used to it

so changeling janus, right? if he orchestrated it all, then he could have been in different forms in the court and in the tribal village

so like he knew basically everyone (but Pat, who Remus met and then kept)

Remus, to patton: I like your funny words, magic man

Remus, upon meeting Pat: so you like frogs Patton: ....yes? Remus: cool i like them too. they taste slimy. Patton: ??????? Remus: Patton: are you okay? Remus: nope! Patton: ....okay... Remus: wanna see my bug collection?

Remus, setting himself on fire: ahhahaaha nothing can hurt me Janus, quick to douse him in water: resistance is not the same as immunity!!!

[kinnoth]

AVENGERS INFINITY WAR MEGATHREAD

-really doubt i'm gonna be able to finish this movie so we'll just see where i get to

- we already know how i feel about loki and thor, we don't need to revisit this

- ok but if i were going to revisit this, i mean come on, who wants to talk about "hela draws her power from asgard, same as you" cos i wanna talk about that

like what if that's the reason thor, god of thunder, king to a civilisation of warriors, was unable to fend off like, 4 dudes and a big purple dinosaur? the royal family of asgard draws its power from asgard, and without it, they are weak, they are mortal. maybe that's why heimdall is unable to just, you know, bifrost everybody off the fucking ship the minute it comes under attack. maybe that's why loki can't fucking conjure up a swarm of fucking microscopic knives to fillet the invaders from the inside out. MAYBE THAT'S WHY LOKI TRIES TO KILL THANOS WITH A FUCKING DAGGER. BECAUSE TAKE AWAY HIS POWER, TAKE AWAY HIS GODHOOD, WHAT DOES HE HAVE LEFT OTHER THAN HIS WILE, HIS TRICKS AND HIS BROTHER

WHAT IF IN SAVING THE UNIVERSE AND DESTROYING ASGARD, THEY'VE LOST EVERYTHING INCLUDING WHAT MAKES THEM GODS

somebody talk about this

- etc etc what if the reason loki is unable to attack the purple dinosaur with magic is because when he tackled thor earlier, he used whatever magic he had left to spare in order to heal him

checks out cos thor goes from flat on his face to swinging his fists in the space of like 30 seconds and the only thing to happen to him in between is said bit about loki tackling him

- why does heimdall save hulk? i mean, i could understand it if he were trying to aim the bifrost at thor and somebody somehow knocked off his aim and he accidentally saves hulk, but like, we've established that heimdall's loyalty is to the royal seat of asgard upon whom sits thor's mighty ass. thor who, in this scene, has just been incapacitated by a metal eggshell(?) and is at the mercy of their assailants. given heimdall's priorities, it is baffling to the point of inconceivability that he would preferentially save fucking HULK over his own king.

- if this next scene isn't the guardians of the galaxy coming across thor clutching loki's dead fucking body floating through space then i don't know why any of us are even here

- "he sent loki! the attack on new york was thanos!" makes no sense? like, if loki's scepter had the mind stone in it, which we established it did in the last movie when we broke it open to retrieve vision, then.....why didn't thanos just....take the mind stone in the first place? cos rock collecting is and has always been his goal?

what, do you think that just because you assert a thing makes us forget all the shit that happened before?

- i.....am actually with tony stark. why don't they just destroy the stones they have so that thanos can't get to them? oh, you made a promise? well promises change and circumstances change! you tell him tony! you tell that stupid fucker --

oh my god i'm gonna be ill

- i think the only person whose ego can match tony stark's is probably a neurosurgeon so 👍 i guess

-i love how we immediately went back to the "so dark can't see shit" aesthetic after ragnorak because ensuring that one's audience can SEE what is HAPPENING IN YOUR MOVIE is apparently for radical directors like taika waititi

- cannot believe that tony stark staring at captain america's phone number is being played with the same emotional intensity as thor losing his soulmate entire people

- honestly how many times is the mcu gonna invoke 9/11 imagery til someone calls them out for being terrorists

- lmao i know i said this before but peter's spidey senses tingling AFTER the giant alien anus has already started sucking up new york and it is right outside his window is fucking hilarious. that's just called using your eyeballs peter

- "friday notify first responders about the giant alien anus sucking up new york" lol like the first thing somebody did when the alien anus showed up wasn't to fucking call 911 GREAT IDEA TONY

- still can't believe that they let failed neurosurgeon dr strange do more magic than god of tricks and sorcery loki lol

- i know i rag on dr strange a lot about the fact that he's a neurosurgeon it's just that he sucks.

as a neurosurgeon eyy.

- i hate that peter parker has to be here!!!!! leave him alone!!!!!

- tony stark should not be allowed within 100 feet of children or minorities

- it is very weird to me that steve "brooklyn" rogers has an area code from georgia

- since when was hela a half-sister? ODIN'S DAUGHTER AND THOR'S BLOODED SIBLINGS OR BUST YOU FUCKING COWARDS

- i am very disappointed that thor is going to go get another weapon after we spent the whole last movie talking about how he is not the god of hammers

- i just need thor to have much more PTSD than he has right now. fucking hulk has ptsd. maybe they're saving the ptsd for later. one can only hope.

- i am glad that they are letting him be cleverer though

- THEY ARE LETTING VISION DATE A TEENAGER WHY

GOD. FUCKING GROSS.

- wait when did vision turn into a white man again? did i miss that movie?

- i am disappointed that vision the computer techno robot apparently has a penis. like what a stupid limitation to give your computer techno robot, gender. 🙄

- i think that the mass destruction of infrastructure and architecture in the MCU is because of the pg13 no blood limitation that disney has set? like there's no way to show destruction to the body, so one may only show the exponential destruction to one's surroundings. like imagine how much more dramatic intensity you could wring out of a regular fight scene would be if people were allowed to bleed?

- cannot believe that a computer techno robot and a witch are having a punch up with the bad guys. of all people to fight with something not their fists, it's these two

- wanda has no enhanced strength or durability? she's a regular teenager who's a bit witchy. the first time she got thrown through a glass door should have shattered her vertebrae. again i don't understand why we insist that everybody must have the same powers and capabilities when it's clear they don't. think about how much more interesting it would be if some avengers were more fragile than others and had to be given accommodations as such

- IT IS INCONCEIVABLE TO ME THAT FUCKING BLACK WIDOW (regular human), CAPTAIN AMERICA (enhanced human), AND FALCON (regular human with wings) CAN DEFEAT THE CHILDREN OF THANOS WHEN THOR COULDN'T UNLESS THOR (god of fucking thunder carved of steel and stone) WAS NERFED

- still don't understand how we'll lend aliens afro features but not afro hair, like, seriously? you're gonna dream up green aliens with gills who look like black people but imagining them with black hair is a step too far?

- the gap of commentary in this liveblog is simply because i do not care at all for the galaxy defenders

- "earth just lost her best defender" who? who does captain america consider earth's best defender? it's not thor; he doesn't know thor's presumed dead. it's not tony; he doesn't know tony's on an alien anus. who else has died so far?

- love how exhausted bucky looks. have always loved how exhausted bucky looks. love bucky.

- i forgot that tony was with peter parker. god i hate that.

- "i'm peter btw"

"dr strange"

"oh you're using the made up names then. i'm spider man"

ok that was cute, but peter's cute, we knew that already

- i want to fling both strange and stark into space and i'm having a hard time deciding which one to push first

- "you went to bed hungry, scraping for scraps" oohhhh thanos is just anti-poor people, he would literally rather poor people be dead than struggle, i get it nowww

this is on brand for mcu

- oh my god thanos gets 2/6 stones by torturing siblings in front of other siblings, seriously? you couldn't come up with 6 different ways to find his stupid rocks you had to reuse one twice?

- which one of thor's friends was stabbed through the heart....? fandral??

- "if i don't get my vengeance what more could i lose" more like what else is there eh? what else is there for a king of no people but their vengeance?

- CANNOT BELIEVE THEY GAVE HIM BACK AN EYEBALL JESUS CHRIST IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE THOR RAGNORAK JUST SAY SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCKING

VEHICLE FOR AUTHORITARIANISM, NOTHING IS ALLOWED TO CHANGE, FUCK YOUR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I GOT MINE

FUCK

- i do enjoy that thor is now science fiction rather than fantasy, i don't think anybody knew what to do with fantasy cos fantasy is again, ultimately about conservatism and the status quo. so i do like that we're embracing the new and boundless for whatever that's worth.

- marvel is a cesspool of toxic masculinity. at no point are characters allowed to actually feel anything because weakness is uncool i guess and therefore unmanful. like thor lost ALL OF HIS PEOPLE. fucking ALL of them. he watched his brother die in order to save him. he is not allowed a single fucking response of mourning. i don't care if he's pushing it back because revenge or whatever, this is the sort of grief that rules you, which will bring all your load bearing structures down to heel, and they let him do nothing; he does not even rage. perfect control. smooth witticisms. why. why aren't we allowed to see his sadness?

- yo i can't believe red skull is a scifi villain now lol space nazis for real

- OH MY GOD THEY WASHED BUCKY'S WIG AND IT LOOKS SO BAD

- michael b jordan was right btw wakanda is complicit in africa's exploitation

- i do LIKE black panther i guess in the way you technically like that cousin you met once when you were like 9 and never saw again?

i like how we have here in wakanda the sears tower (chicago), the batman building (nashville), and the gherkin (london)

- ok but like, presumably not a death cult super technologically advanced wakandans who are deffo made of human flesh and human blood still arm their people with spears

i mean unless wakanda is also a death cult

why is this chicks entire fucking face cgi'd she looks like a fucking cut scene video game character

- oh ok they have LASER spears, ok

so then why did they give bucky a fucking gun

- what is bucky supposed to be able to contribute here exactly, like fucking, again, he's spycraft isn't he? he's a one man, dead of night, operation go loud and then immediately silent kinda operation. why do they have him on the front lines of a fucking lock-step formation battle??

- "it will be the noblest ending in history" WHAT, FIRST COUNTRY TO EVER BE OVERUN BY ALIEN JACKALS??

- stormbreaker is just leviathan axe, somebody's said this already right

- omfg i'm so glad they're finally acknowledging that thor is OP as fuck and does not belong amongst the fucking squabbles of earth

-"titan was like most planets, too many mouths to feed not enough to go around, so i proposed a plan, dispassionate to rich and poor alike" JUST SAY YOU HATE POOR PEOPLE MCU. YOU CANNOT HAVE RICH AND POOR, YOU CANNOT HAVE DISPARITY, YOU CANNOT HAVE SOME WITH TOO MUCH AND OTHERS WITH NOT ENOUGH AND CALL IT EXTINCTION. THAT IS NOT A QUESTION OF OVERTAXED RESOURCES THAT IS A QUESTION OF RESOURCE FUCKING MANAGEMENT. IT IS AN ARTIFICIAL CRISIS IF THERE EXISTS ENOUGH TO GO AROUND BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST HOARDING IT THAT'S WHEN YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE AND TAKE THEIR SHARE. KILLING HALF THE PEOPLE IS THE KIND OF FUCKING SOLUTION TO INEQUALITY THAT RICH PEOPLE COME UP WITH

GOD. ITS LIKE NONE OF YOU EVER READ

-you've got the big fucking boss in an ambush AND YOU ATTACK HIM WITH A MAGIC SWORD STEVEN STRANGE?????

THIS FRANCHISE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO UTILISE MAGIC USERS FUCKING HELL

- when will somebody please utilise ironman like the one man artillery he fucking is WHY IS HE FIGHTING WITH HIS STUPID FISTS HE IS LITERALLY ONE CONTINUOUS CARPET BOMB JUST USE HIM THAT WAY

cut of his arm CUT OFF HIS ARM YOU BLOODLESS SPINELESS USELESS FUCKING CUNTS . this is a manufactured crisis, KIND OF LIKE THE ONES THANOS LIKES I GUESS LOL

- dr strange could have very easily prevented or stopped quill from punching thanos but he didn't cos i guess even the movie forgets steven strange exists sometimes

- i like that the shield around wakanda has the same weakness as a poorly constructed chicken coop -- you always build into the ground a couple feet to stop the diggers man, come on, what is this, your first energy shield?

- oh disgusting, a girl boss moment. whatever you're all fascists.

- nobody adores martial might like fascists do fucking change my mind

- " avengers: not one person in this fucking cast is able to stomach ANY AMOUNT of personal sacrifice" more like

- "why did you give away the time stone?" "we are in the endgame" THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER THAT'S A FUCKING MOVIE TEASER FUCK YOU

- why didn't strange just trap thanos in a timeloop again? we've already established that is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with planetary annihilation. IS IT POSSIBLY BECAUSE NOBODY ON THIS WRITING STAFF KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH MAGIC

- THOR OP BLIZZARD PLS NERF

-CAPTAIN MARVEL SERIOUSLY THAT'S WHO YOU'RE GONNA SEND YOUR LAST PAGE TO JESUS FUCKING DISGUSTING

[mitchmarnier]

writing prompt masterlist #1

 Of course, there’s 75 million prompt lists out there but i figured there’s nothing wrong with making my own. Send me a category + a number + a pairing and i’ll write you a fic. Okay to reblog and use :) (x)

Fake/Secret/Etc Dating AUs:

my parents keep setting me up on blind dates but in reality I’m dating you and it’s so you help me get out of them

i hate commitment but my dad’s dying wish is to see me get married and you’re an old family friend i ran into at the airport on my way to visit him so hey let’s get engaged

you need a plus-one for your brother’s wedding so i’m going as a favor but there’s been a misunderstanding and now your whole family thinks we’re engaged

i’m mad at my parents so i ask you out because they wouldn’t approve of you and you’re well aware that i’m just using you but you agree because you find it funny but hey you’re actually super sweet

there’s this really creepy person hitting on me and i don’t know you but you pretending to be my partner completely saved my ass thanks how about i buy you a drink

we’re just really touchy friends and we get each other gifts all the time but everyone thinks we’re going out and we let them think that but why are you getting upset about me going on a date we’re not actually together? 

I’m sorry you always thought your love for me was unrequited but on to more important matters YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED IN THE MORNING SO YOU HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE YOU ASSHOLE!

Our mutual friend apparently has been waiting for us to get together and so they’re very angry/disappointed/upset when they find out that the reason we kissed last night was because we were black-out drunk

everyone thinks we hate each other and we keep that front up in public, so we have hilarious pretend fights and squabbles and pranks 

when we were little I accidentally mentioned that I had a crush on you but I always thought you didn’t hear me because you just looked at me weird and never commented but now we’re in high school and omg you just introduced me as your boyfriend/girlfriend/datemate wtf we never discussed this

friends to lovers aus

You’ve got a date tonight and you asked for advice on what to wear but I’m so in love with you and damn you look good in the outfit I picked out for you

You’ve liked me for ages and were really obvious about it and I didn’t like all the attention but now you’re over me I really miss it and fuck I think I like you too?

 You want us both to get in shape and I hate working out/running but your ass looks really good in shorts oh the things I do for my friends and their nice asses

Our best friends are that awful ‘cute’ couple that make-out in public and call each other “sweetie” and “sugar” and “babe” and god they’re awful let’s talk about how awful they are – develops into “shit we’re the awful couple now”

Celebrity/Famous AUs

listen, you may be a famous (and extremely attractive) guitarist, but that gives you no right to practise on the electric at two a.m when we live right next to each other.

We broke up and I used my feelings to write songs and now I’m super popular and you want me back

we decided to make a fake vlog drama for our subscribers and they all think it’s real but jokes on us we end up actually liking each other

I run a prank channel and you were some innocent bystander I pranked for a video but then it turns out hey, you’re also famous online haha shit

we met and started talking but i didn’t know you were a rising star until i noticed cameras following me wtf

you’re a reporter and i think you’re super cute so i’ll only give you personal interviews to help your career and also get you to talk to me more

I’m a celebrity and I have a secret social media account and we started talking online and now we’re close friends but you want to meet up oh shit

I’m a celebrity and I may or may not be following your blog which is dedicated to me. reading your comments and tags are hilarious and very flattering and I’m somewhat smitten  

You’re an actor/other famous person that I really admire and I just saw you in the street and as I was debating whether or not to say hi you came up to me and started flirting what do I do??

wedding/kids/marriage/long term relationship AUs

we’ve been dating forever, and you just caught the bouquet at our friend’s wedding

remember when we were in high school and we swore that if we were still single at 30 we’d marry each other, well hey guess whose birthday it is

i’m a runaway bride/groom and you’re driving my getaway car

I suddenly bumped into you after years and wow you look good but holy crap is that a kid?? since when?

you had a breakdown because the baby wouldn’t stop crying and you kept saying how you weren’t ready and how you couldn’t do it

whenever my kid starts crying I just hand them to you and then they just stop and start smiling

“i’m so sorry that my child pointed out how your shirt- actually nevermind i agree, that shirt is horrendous”

i always tease you because that’s just our thing we tease each other but for some reason you snapped at me and are you okay? what’s wrong?

my in-laws despise me GREAT but around you they’re super nice so you don’t believe me

neighbours AUs

You always complain about how loud I am (whether it be TV, video games or music/musical instrument is up to you) and this is the first time you’ve actually knocked on my apartment door and given me a lecture there rather than giving me a phone call, but I’m not really listening because I didn’t  realise I had such a cute neighbour

you never open your door for children on halloween so i always pay the kids to smear your door with shaving cream

my printer isnt printing anymore and my papers are due tomorrow so im on my knees in front of your door begging to use your printer when the old lady from above passes us and thinks im proposing to you

we always run into each other on the stairs but we’ve never said more than hello but when we found out that we both hate the other neighbours, we became friends

i came home drunk and wouldnt stop knocking on your door. when you open i keep telling you to get out of my apartment

after a rough party night i find you sleeping on the stairs but since im still a little asshole all i do is put a blanket over you and a pillow under your head

Please help me, I know you have a kid and my sibling just dropped their baby on me where’s the button to put them to sleep?

I’m stressed and sleep-deprived, please let me pet your cat. 

I have really weird dreams and you have really weird dreams so now we’re in this contest to see who has the weirdest dreams.

Strangers/Meet Cute (or meet very NOT cute) AUs 

We were sitting next to each other in a public place and I saw a mosquito on you and my instincts just acted before my mind.

We mixed up our clothes at the laundry service and I have nothing left to wear and every thing you wear is too big/small for me.

We’re at a comic book store and if you tell me your superhero is better than mine I’m gonna have to punch you in the teeth.

There are no table left at this restaurant and you let me sit at yours since you’re alone.

I’m a single grown-up with busy friends but I want to go to Disneyland so I drop a message on a forum to find someone like me to go wear silly Mickey ears headband and stuff ourselves with cotton candy.

My computer broke down so I called an IT and now I need to find a reason to call them back so I delete important files and download adwares and do all kinds of stupid things. 

I almost dropped something and in my fumbling attempts to stop it from hitting the floor I accidentally projectiled it at your face and it’s a really nice face I’m so sorry

first day at a new job and oh fuck my boss is the person I drunkenly hooked up with last weekend/night

I wanted to go on the ferris wheel but there has to be two people to a cart come on random person let’s go oh wait are we stuck at the top? Fuck

 Our mutual friend set us up on a blind date and I thought I’d hate it but you’re actually… kind of funny? But because I expected to hate it in no way am I going to let you change my mind just because you’re gorgeous and funny and intelligent oh no my friend is not winning this

college/high school AUs:

i went on a date with a boy who had plans to take me to dinner and drinks. but he lost his wallet at a pizza place so we just walked around the neighborhood, sat in the park and talked.

we’re in the same study group but we dont talk but you brought goldfish and im starving

we have the same notebook and we took the wrong ones home so i used your notes on my open book test

you were my elementary school crush but you moved away but somehow we end up miraculously going to the same college and i barely recognized you because holy hot damn you are more attractive than i remember?

I tripped over on my way to this party and I’m bleeding profusely from the grazes on my knees and you’re a complete stranger that pretty much jumped me the second I walked in the door to play nurse

ive had a crush on you for 3+ years and now youre going out with my best friend and i definitely havent locked myself in a toilet cubicle to cry

We’re in different debate classes and I was constructing a case on the board and I come in the next morning and you’ve replied to all my points really well?? But I don’t even know your name? And oh shit, we’re taking over the entire whiteboard, is that your phone number squeezed into the corner of the board there?

You have braces and I don’t and I keep forgetting you’re not allowed to have gum so every time I offer, you give this death glare

You sent me a text asking if I wanted to go to prom on the day of prom and I’m not in town

I’m a notorious goody two shoes and you look like you get into fights on a daily basis, so when you were in the library on the first day I was supposed to be a tutor, I assumed I’d be tutoring you. But, as it turns out, we’re both tutors, and the people we’re tutoring keep blowing us off to make out and we have to go round them up

we have a mutual best friend but they cannot find out how much i like you then they’ll tell you, but i need to find out if you’re single!

I sat down in the wrong class and I’m panicking but don’t want to get up and leave because the class has started and you think it’s hilarious 

You pissed me off in class so I threw a book at your head and now I’m in detention and jesus fuck I hate you so much and the teacher made me apologise and wait you’re cuter up close

soulmate aus

if one soulmate gets an injury, the other gets it as well.

Character A has a soulmate, but Character A died before they got to meet them. As Character A navigates the afterlife in their ghostly form, they discover that they can’t “move on” until they’ve met their soulmate.

 the very first words your soulmate ever says to you are tattooed somewhere on your body since the day you are born

when you write something on your skin with pen/marker/whatever, it will show up on your soul mates skin as well.

You get an ‘impression’ of your soulmate when you turn 18 or something but all I got was a strong smell of bananas or something

you have a compass on your wrist and it directs you to where your soulmate is

i usually think i’m having a conversation with myself in my head but it turns out we’re telepathically connected

everybody is born with a map “tattooed” on their forearm that’s centered on the exact location of where they’ll first meet their soul mate 

[shinobirain24]

Water and Ice- Chapter 10: Vale

After the Fall of Beacon

Weiss was back to the Schnee Manor, since Beacon Academy have fallen at the hands of Grimm. All she could do now is just look at her window where airships are flying by. The mansion is nothing but a silent place. The only time there when she has a conversation is when her close confidante and butler, Klein is called to let her know that her father calls. She wishes her sister would be there to assure her that everything will be alright. But the truth is, it isn't. Now Winter is still with the Atlas Military to find some answers about the Fallen Event. The house, no the manor is nothing more than a prison in her father's presence. Her brother minding his own business complaining about his sisters' "barbaric" huntsmen training.

The worse part of the chaos is when she is seeing her friends injured, scared, and sad. Some classmates crying over the loss of their teammates and loved ones. Such horrific images still stuck in her head. Ruby running up to the tower of Beacon to save their friend, Pyrrha Nikos whose battle cannot be won against a formidable foe. Blake, happened to be stabbed on the side of her abdomen. And Yang, whose left arm was cut off trying to help Blake against an enemy. Her teammates are more like sisters to her since the day they formed a team; Team RWBY. It was their first time at the Vytyl Festival, and their enemies have ruined it.

The other worse part of the Fall, is that her father, Jacques have showed up in his ship. "Father?" She said in shock. But her ankles have shaken. But she tried her best to keep her composure. Yang, still lying on the ground, injured. Watches in sadness to see her friend leave. Neptune notices some red flags judging by the slight reaction of Weiss seeing her father. "Time to go, Daughter. There's no use in staying in this useless obstruction." Jacques said coldly. Making the students shocked of what he was saying. Neptune gently grabbed her wrist as she reluctantly walked towards him.

"Hey, you don't have to." He insisted. Making Weiss flustered. But she shook her head and pulled away her hand. "Sorry, everyone. I have to go." She apologized.

"Don't make me warn you again, Weiss." He sounded more serious. That's when Nora Valkyrie, a ginger-haired girl with a black sweater vest, white shirt and pink skirt came to her defense that Weiss wasn't asking for to not cause trouble for them. "Hey, old man! She doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to! So why don't you just pack up and leave?!" Nora yells at him. As her friend Ren, a raven-haired boy tried to intervene before she hurts anybody.

"Yeah! Go home before we make you sorry!" Sun backed up.

"Weiss, come on." Neptune offers to take her away from the conflict. But seeing how ruthless and powerful her father was, she knew things would be worse for her friends if she resists. She takes one look at Neptune one last time before departure. "I'm sorry, I have to go. There's nothing we can do now. However, I wish you all safe." Weiss stepped inside the ship before it lifts off.

Back in the Manor

Weiss is sitting on her bed waiting for her sister to at least come home for a visit to feel better. Everywhere she goes in the manor, her father has constant eyes. Then a knock on the door. It was her butler, Klein. Despite working under her father, he was the closest friend and father figure Weiss had been close to when she was younger. He didn't like the way Jacques have treated his daughter. So he tried his best to keep her happy while keeping in low profile. "Ms. Schnee."

"Yes, Klein?"

"I believe this letter is for you. I must say, I never thought you'd be getting letters since you left for Beacon. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Thank you, Klein." She nods after Klein have left for other occupations around the household. Weiss then looks at the letter, there was no return address. But she opened it to see who the letter belongs to by reading it.

"Hey Snow Angel,

How have you been? I was wondering if you're okay. I know it wasn't the best time writing to you this letter. Pretty awkward, right? I know we haven't spoken much since the Vytyl Festival. What I saw what you did back then, was pretty amazing. I know things are hard for us all, my team and I went back to Mistral for some recuperation. Sun left to find Blake because she felt ashamed for what happened to Yang. It must feel worse being separated from your own team. And believe me, it gets worse to lose someone you cared for. Trust me, I may be not look like I did. But I felt that before, because I lost someone important to me a long time ago. When it's winter, the snow reminded me of you. How the breeze flows like your hair, your eyes glamour like the icy waters. When you fight, I can see you soar like the swan. When you sing, it brought such a gentle melody in the air. Like the moonlight hearing your call. The truth is, I just missed you. You became the first woman to have approach me with a smile. Keep that smile to fight the good fight. Things will get better when your team gets back together. Trust me, blood or not, family is about bonds that are shared. Like how Sun ,Scarlet and Sage have been brothers to me. Right now, Scarlet is kinda angry at Sun for leaving without telling us. As for Sage, mostly silent. They didn't take this very well. But I could understand what Sun is trying to do.

P.S.

If there's any chance you visit Mistral, I'll be happy to show you around for some time."

-Neptune.

Weiss is then blushing at his words he wrote to her. Like the blossoms falling from the wintery weather. Looking at the window. At the shattered moon. Her eyes closed in happiness, that someone have written to her. It have given her hope for the day she will be free from the patriarchal prison.

"Neptune." She thought. "Thank you." She then placed her lips on the letter as a sign of luck.

Ever since you wrote me this letter, it set me free. Actually, you have set me free. I know now that I cannot depend on Winter anymore.

Weiss thought back about that night she received the letter. She picked it up from her satchel and read it secretly without him knowing it on the ferry. She then hid it away. The letter may be a few years old, but it is still the treasure she has held. Sitting on the bench next to Neptune who is looking down on the floor. She scooted towards him and has her hand over his to keep him company. Much to his relief.

"Are you exciting to see her?" She asked.

"Well, I haven't seen her for months. She would basically check on my health every time I came home from Haven for summer vacations. What about you? What did you do when school was out?" Asked Neptune.

"Mostly at home. Back when I was an heiress, there was absolutely nothing but studies and tutoring 24/7." Weiss sighed. "Now that Whitely is the new heir to the Schnee Dust Company, I don't see the point of staying in the mansion." Now as a former heiress, Weiss is even ashamed at her own name since it was in ruins, no thanks to the man who fathered her and her siblings. "Still, I hope he does better than my father. Cause the last time he ever run the company, he got what he deserved, an orange jumpsuit." Weiss joked. Reminding her the time she read the headlines in the newspaper. Where the newspaper shows an image of him in an orange jumpsuit. And his mustache and hair got all messy having not been groomed for months after. Given a life sentence due to Winter being given the position as the new leader of the Atlas Military. And she wasn't going to let him out anytime soon.

"Seriously, that's hilarious!" Chuckled Neptune.

"I know, right?! I doubt Winter is going to let him off easy. Even if he is our father, he is beyond redemption." Weiss points out.

"That's insane coming from him." Neptune commented. They both laughed. "Are you sure about coming with me on this one?" He asked. Thinking of whether or not that Weiss is sure she wants to help him out of the situation she already put herself in.

"Of course, I do. I am not backing down on this one." Weiss assured him. Then she decides to change the subject. "Your parents are nice." She compliments. Making Neptune glanced at her and smiled. "They're the best. Dad can be kinda busy at times when Jupiter looks after us. But he's also an expert at amplifying weapons. As for Mom, straight but also lovable. She won multiple cases and a zero loss whether she's the prosecutor or the defender."

"A lawyer, huh? Yeah, she told me that. It was amazing of how hard she works." Weiss said. Looking back at the environment Neptune have lived in, it was all normal. Like many families, there could be arguments, but can be resolved later on. How parents could be supportive. How siblings do things together. She felt slightly jealous that she wishes it could've been this way if her family was never rich. Winter have told her some tales about their maternal grandfather before he went into retirement. A nobleman who works in honor of his own father when he left a small amount of his inheritance to create the Schnee Dust Company. She never met him, but was aspired to bring honor of his lineage. But after she was revoked from her inheritance, she decides to no longer bear the Schnee name, she will be just Weiss. But will still use her semblance in his honor.

Unbeknownst to them, there was a man hiding from the front row of the ship and took pictures of them both. Then they heard the click. "Did you hear that?" Asked Weiss.

"Yeah, I heard that too." Jolted Neptune.

"It sounded like a camera." Then the man was nearly caught but hid his face from behind. "Please tell me someone else is spying on us?"

"That's weird. Maybe we're just hearing things." Weiss shaken. "Or maybe there could be someone on the ship."

"We might have to keep an eye out. I have a bad feeling about this." Neptune points out. Looking at the mirror hanging on the ceiling of the ship where it shows the man still hidden without knowing that Neptune is glancing. "If we could just play it cool like nothing happen, that's when he or they'll let their guard down." He whispers. "We'll wait until the boat stops and we run for it and get lost." Weiss nods. Gripping his hand in nervousness. In theory, there could be anyone who heard the news and wanted them for their bounty. Or worse, assassination. But the general was never the type to put their head on the bounty. But rather to bring those alive. And Weiss knows that there is still heart that her sister would never be tempted to murder someone.

The ferry stops at Vale City. The kingdom where Beacon Academy was still underdevelopment after the students transferred to Shade Academy for catching up the semester. "Here it is. Vale." As the citizens are walking off the ship. Weiss and Neptune walked further and carefully listening to the footsteps the man is making. They cannot make a glance at him, or the worse can happen. They walked faster until they hid the alleyway and lost him at last. "He's gone." He sighed, much to their relief. Getting lost in the crowd means the man have gotten confused and went to search somewhere else.

Vale Hospital

Neptune and Weiss have made an appointment in an attempt to meet Ceres. With claims of a fever. Once the nurse have called them from the waiting room. They have entered the office. The door opened, to Neptune's surprise, it was a blue-haired and eyed woman. With a curly ponytail. A lab coat with a sweatshirt and brown skirt under. Reading glasses above her bangs. "Hello, I'm Dr. Ceres Vasilias. And I have been informed of..." The doctor was cut off when Neptune reveals himself.

"Sis, it's me." He interrupted.

"I beg your pardon, sir?" The doctor tilted in confusion. Until Neptune removed his hood and goggles. "Nep...tune?" She questioned.

"Yeah, it's me." The she overchecks him for any injuries. As the youngest of five siblings, Neptune was the one they could mostly be worried about. "Oh my gosh, are you okay?! Are you hurt?! Are you injured?! Did you have water on your ears and eyes again?! I swear you'll go deaf if this happens!" Neptune breaks away from him before she gets exhausted. "Hey, hey, hey! I'm fine. There's no need to freak out." He assured him, knowing his sister, she's always worried for his wellbeing after what happened with Jupiter.

"Oh. Sorry, it's been months, you have no idea how freaked I got when I got promoted." Sighed Ceres. She then walks over to the door. Looking in both ways before locking the door. "Anyway, you shouldn't be here. There are men looking for you." She said , worryingly. "I know, I just want to see how are you, Sis." Could she blame him for checking on his family. Normally, she would tend his injuries.

"Ever since Haven Academy fell, I wasn't sure if attending Shade is a good idea since there is a lot of rogues in the streets. But seeing you coming back alive, it was a relief." Ceres explains. She has been scared hearing him going to Shade. But then again, where else can he study with Beacon and Haven gone, and Atlas' borders being shut down. Shade has become the best option to fight for survival. She then turned to Weiss. "Wait a sec, let me guess. Former heiress of the Schnee Dust Company?" She guessed. And Weiss shamefully nods. But she straights her face up for an introduction.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, you are probably aware for who I am."

"I wouldn't mind. I never thought my little brother would bag you up." Teased Ceres.

"Seriously, you too?!" Neptune protested. And Weiss covered her face while feeling the heat.

"Oh well. By the way, don't tell me you went on a mission to find Jupiter, didn't you?" She asked, sternly. After telling him not to take the mission to have the police involve. But Neptune disobeyed that request and went on. But being a huntsmen, it's an instinct. At least what Ceres can understand. "Sorry, Ceres. I just wanted to be sure it was him."

"I get it, you're desperate. But do you have any idea what this have cost me?" Ceres stared at him in the eye. "There were policemen questioning me for your whereabouts."

"It's called instincts, I have a feeling that the police can't get their facts right if they still think he's dead." Neptune argued. Then again, the police have already given up the search again since the huntsmen were called to Poseidon Island to search for the Thunderbolts. Which upsets her to think they would reopen the case. "You're right, it's pointless to have them involve. You're lucky you're wearing a disguise. Still it would be a good idea to dye your hair and change your name. But I can give you some plastic surgery." She suggested. But Neptune wants none of it.

"And ruin my looks? No way." He shook his head.

"Fine. By the way, there were sightings of Jupiter and his team being made in the news." Ceres points out, which got her brother perked up to hear the name of their older brother. "I heard that he's somewhere in the Emerald Forest. The thing is, the Thunderbolts have been digging up. Looking for something. It has to be some kind of relic, perhaps." She theorizes.

"We'll check it out ourselves." Neptune then embraces his sister before parting ways. "It's great to see you again, Sis."

"Me too, bro. Me too. If anyone asked, I didn't see anything." Ceres told him, and Neptune nods. "Now, hurry before the security finds out." She ushered, prompting him and Weiss to exit the building.

Later on, they made a reservation for a hotel room for the night. The room has white walls for each side. Glass shower windows. Brown curtains with the soft texture. Separate beds with white sheets and pillows. Pretty much three-star level of a hotel. But enough to stay for a few days until they get what they came for. "At least this way, we can take a break." Weiss sighed.

"Pretty much. It's great to see that Ceres is doing well. We should be searching for Jupiter tomorrow. There's a good chance he could be there. Or another moon stone." Neptune plopped onto the bed close to the window. While Weiss slightly opens the curtain to see if there's any police or any militia force around. "Looks like nothing came around yet. We should be safe for tonight." Weiss said. Knowing that they cannot hide forever. Even with their scrolls destroyed, there are still chances that sightings will be linked. "Looks like being huntsmen wasn't easy for anyone."

"No doubt about it." Then his stomach growls, all the walking and traveling have gotten him empty. Struck with hunger. Weiss then notices. "Wow, I'll bet all this trouble have gotten us starving. Tell you what, I'll be getting us something to eat while you stay here." Weiss offers. Not wanting to risk him getting caught.

"Are you sure about this? I don't think it's safe for you to go out walking today." Neptune objects to the idea.

"I'll be fine. There's nothing to worry about. You need to keep in low profile for now." Neptune wanted to come along, but then again, he might be recognized. They don't have the scrolls to call each other to ensure each other's safety. But Neptune need s someone he can trust with his goals. He cannot call his team, it'll also cost them to be arrested for harboring a fugitive. For now, Weiss is the only person he can rely on.

"Okay, just be careful." He told her. And Weiss nods walking out of the room to grab some grub. After Weiss bought some appetizers from a restaurant, she then takes routes in the city to make sure she isn't followed. But it backfired when she heard footsteps in the alleyways. It grew louder. It was a sign that there is a stalker on the loose. She then makes a step ahead to levitate with her glyphs to the top of an apartment building. Running on the roof until the mysterious shadow threw roses at her as she deflects them. Pedals have been torn apart from the stems of black thorns.

"How delightful to see you again, mi belleza de nieve." His voice is deep with the accent. Weiss is stunned to hear a voice she never wants to hear for a while. Then man is dressed in a black jumpsuit, with a mask and hood covering his mouth. A red scarf tied to his waist containing a whip and a toledo sword. "There's no point hiding in that mask. I know who you are, Carlos Vega." She said furiously. He then chuckled uncovering that hood of his. "How wonderful that you recognized me. I believe your father would like to have a word with you. If you can come with me." He extended his hand towards her. But Weiss backs off in refusal. "But he's in jail. There's just no way."

"On the contrary, I helped him escape. Yes it was me, Specialist Carlos Vega. The supreme graduate student of Atlas Academy. Heir to the Vega Corporation."

"Nobody cares, Vega. And by the way, I want nothing to do with my father. And when my sister finds out you broke him out. She'll lock you up for good." Weiss paces around him and has her hand on the Myrtenaster in case he is ready to attack. Shoot, I should've warn her about him. I forgot about him for so long, I never want to remember him at all. She thought. She then felt pain in her shoulder. Causing her to look down and saw a rose pierced into her shoulder. "What the-?! She winced. her body feeling weak as the eyesight got blurry.

"Unfortunately, you are clearly unaware of what my semblance was. My rose is extremely, poisonous. Once a rose is pinned into your body, the poison will stream into your veins and you'll be weak. I call it the Death Amor." Described Carlos.

No, I have to fight back. Neptune is waiting for me. I cannot let Carlos him near him. Otherwise we're done for.

"Please understand that I am doing this, all in the name of admiration." Carlos said in a sweet tone. Disgusting Weiss.

"Admiration? I call it sickening." Weiss retorted. She then dashed at the heir to clash his sword. Pushing each other away. Carlos then throws ten roses for defense. But Weiss blocks them all while dodging them with her glyph.

Carlos has the upper hand swinging his whip catching Weiss in the air. Pulling her back down on the roof. But Weiss cuts his whip but another rose is thrown into her abdomen. "Ah!" She winced again. But she is still standing. "Nice try, I'm not going to give up that easily!" Carlos spun and sings his blade. Crossing blades against her. But Weiss smacks him with a handle. But he tumbled back. While Weiss tries to knock his sword off his hands. Lunging him and it was a success. "Give it up, Vega. You have no chances of winning...Dah!" Weiss stumbles back and saw another rose on her right arm. She tries to take them all off, but they were too strong. They are stuck. Weiss collapse to the ground, still trying to fight the poison.

The former heiress pushes herself to get up, but she fell back down. Staring at Carlos with a glare. "Too bad, mi belleza de nieve. It looks like I'll be taking you after all." He taunted. Weiss' vision got all foggy and then all goes black for a moment.

[caleblewis94]

Preview: The Door To Infinity

           Puck was now a forty-two-year-old man who still hadn’t learned his last name due to a grease stain from a slice of pizza obscuring the name on his birth certificate in the no-good year of 1978. Why couldn’t his mother or one of his eleven older siblings have told him somewhere during these last 4.2 decades, you ask? Why because they had all died in an oxygen tank explosion that had completely obliterated the house before the Fire Department could even arrive, of course. What else could have possibly happened? Puck’s mother whose name was literally Mother, and who had once been a nun before she was banned for playing Elton John on the church organ, could actually be called Mother Mother, the mother of Puck, because as the saying goes: once a mother, always a mother. That sure is a mouthful, thank God she’s dead.

Mother returned home from the hospital bringing with her a cart of portable oxygen bottles for her own mother, Mother the first, who suffered from COPD which was exacerbated by the pre-existing condition of being apt to not listen to advice or heed warnings. Upon the delivery of oxygen bottles, Mother Mother the mother of Puck finally thought to cut the umbilical cord. The wailing mucus membrane with the fat, pudgy face of a forty-two-year-old man on the disproportionately large head of a newborn had tripped her on the way up the stairs, reminding her that she had forgotten to “forget” him at the hospital. With a sigh, she cut the umbilical cord with the first thing she could find: a pair of safety scissors. The act was hilarious and took nearly fifteen minutes to complete. Afterwards, she lugged the oxygen bottles in and gave them to her ornery old witch, but minus the cool magical powers, of a mother.

Some say that a mother’s intuition can cause her to feel an impending sense of danger to her own. Perhaps this is why she went lovingly outside, cradling the slimy, writhing middle-aged newborn in her tattooed and cigarette burned arms,  and ever so carefully dropped Puck into the first pile of trash she had found lying by the street, which just so happened to be a random bale of hay in a DIY manger that her neighbors had attempted to assemble after purchasing it from Ikea before growing frustrated and throwing it half-finished in the street. One can say this motherly intuition saved the baby named Puck that would one day grow up to become the man named Puck. Then again, her motherly instinct didn’t seem to apply to her other eleven comically-named children.

Mother Mother, the mother of Puck, went back inside her home. Puck no longer cried. Now he sat in the Ikea manger with his arms crossed and his lower lip jutting out. This would become his signature look which would make him quite popular, albeit for mocking purposes, with all of the former high school football stars who would form the majority of his coworkers at the glue factory in his adulthood. Moments after his mother entered the house behind him, he would hear, though he wouldn’t understand because he was a baby and everybody knows babies can’t understand words, his mother shouting at his grandmother in her obnoxious twang of a Country accent that Puck would thankfully never acquire himself.

“God Dayum, you old bat, Cain’t you read?” Mother Mother, mother of Puck shouted.

“I can read, you little skank. I’m just having me a cigarette,” Shouted Mother, mother of Mother Mother the mother of Puck.

“I’m tired of you smokin’ meemaw!” Shouted the shrill voice of one of Puck’s siblings. Judging by the whiny tone, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume it was Kyle.

“That’s too dayum bad.”

“The sign says no smoking, because it could explode if exposed to fire!” Mother Mother, mother of Puck shouted back.

“Then why hasn’t it yet?”

“Comical effect!”

In completely coincidental, and in no means embellished or made-up fashion, the entire house exploded immediately after the joke in the dialogue was wearing thin. The sound of the explosion sounded to Puck like the winner to the 1978 Darwin Awards if they were around in that terrible, no-good year of 1978. Kaboom with a capital KA.

Now, it’s reasonable to ask why Puck? Why this ugly, slimy, miniature spitting image of Donald Trump? Why did this little clump of living smegma survive in lieu of his entire family being incinerated instantly like a bunch of redneck Icaruses that flew directly into the sun because they didn’t believe the Science that said the sun can hurt you? It is because of a thing called fate. Puck wasn’t meant to die that day. For, you see, you beautiful reader, you, Puck was destined for greater things, like developing a nicotine habit he couldn’t quite kick, working in a glue factory overseeing the melting of the horses, and his destiny to die in a hilarious accident involving a shopping cart at the age of 42. As a wise man once said, so it goes.

∞

           Puck, now a forty-two-year-old man full of past traumas and experiences that shaped him into the disgruntled, burned-out, and inconsiderate grump that people subconsciously hoped would drop dead, went to the supermarket. What he bought at said supermarket holds no importance whatsoever to the rest of the novel, but for the record was; 19 bushels of crab legs, 30 cans of Ragu spaghetti sauce, 20 gallons of vegetable oil, 12 cartons of increased fat milk, 8 sticks of extra-salted butter, 57 liters of Mountain Dew, 3 bottles of Coca-Cola that had been stuffed under the clearance shelf since 1958, 5 jugs of eggnog, despite it being the middle of April, two of those obnoxiously bright blue lightbulbs for some reason, and a Milkyway Lite because he was trying to watch his figure.

           Puck pushed his shopping cart outside. Of course his luck would have had him picking the cart with the broken wheel, causing it to limp along like a sprinter who had torn their ACL and was desperately trying to hobble their way across the finish line. Plus, the fact that he had so much food weighing down the cart didn’t help him steer it any easier. Life was so hard for poor Puck. On his way to his car, Puck was passed by an old lady on one of those automatic shopping carts that truly highlighted the pinnacle of modern invention. The old woman was smoking three cigarettes at the same time, blowing tendrils of smoke through her nostrils like a dragon who had already expended all of his (or her) fire and couldn’t ejaculate any more. She had an oxygen tank on the back of the cart, though she wasn’t using it. Maybe she’ll need it later, Puck thought. Yes, riding an automatic shopping cart around a store for an hour sure is exhausting work.

           Puck got to his car and popped the trunk, which promptly swung open much faster than normal, hitting him in the chin because even his car was tired of his shit. In the background was the sound of an explosion, but Puck thought nothing of this. He flung the groceries in the trunk and shut it back, then he promptly took the shopping and left it right there in the middle of the street, despite there being a coral only twenty feet away. It wasn’t that Puck didn’t see the coral—he did—he just decided to rebel. It was his way of sticking it to the proverbial man. Puck got in his car and drove home, the shopping cart looming menacingly in the parking lot, vowing to get revenge on the forty-two-year-old-man.

           When Puck got home, he realized that he had forgotten to also purchase a diet Mountain Dew, because—how can he watch his figure without a pound of aspartame in his system?—Puck lovingly kissed his wife goodbye, and by lovingly kissed his wife goodbye, I mean he didn’t kiss her goodbye, he simply said “I forgot something, be back in ten” then left. However, he wouldn’t be back in ten. In fact, he also wouldn’t even be back at the supermarket in ten, traffic was awfully heavy for two in the afternoon on a Sunday. Also, he wouldn’t ever be back because he would be killed in a tragic, yet hilariously Shakespearean way. A way that said, maybe there is a God who occasionally involves himself in the affairs of humans to deliver righteous justice.

           Puck went to the self-checkout line again, but this time at least he actually had under ten items. He hated the small talk Cashiers would make with him, especially the pretty twenty-something-year-old ladies who would make blatant attempts to flirt with him by saying things like “Good morning, sir,” “Paper or plastic?” and, worst of all, “Would you like a receipt?” The total on the screen came up to three dollars and twenty-three cents after tax. It was a bit more than he thought it had cost when he was just here half an hour ago, but he was trying to watch his figure, dammit, so he would not and could not be stopped. He paid for the bottle, and also a banana, and left, not even bothering to take the receipt that had printed from the machine.

           “Have a nice day,” said a blonde and blue-eyed nineteen-year-old with a smile that conveyed anything but a genuine smile inside. It was a smile that seemed to say that this young lady was going through her own personal troubles and was having a tough time but was trying her best to be strong and kind to others. To anyone else it would be inspiring, but to Puck it was just another attempt to flirt with him. Puck, not wanting to be rude, gave her that kind of sideways smile any suburban white person would give someone they accidentally made eye contact with in public, and walked by, sidestepping a random broken piece of an oxygen bottle by the door. As he crossed the windy threshold that separates the land of groceries from the humid, suburban air of the Greater Atlanta Area, he swallowed the banana in one gulp. It was a fun party trick he had learned in college. He didn’t have to waste time chewing, and everyone loved it. Especially the random man he had accidentally made eye contact with in the process of the great swallow.

           Puck walked out into the crosswalk without looking both ways, not that he needed to look both ways, there were stop signs and everybody in the United States obeys stop signs. He dropped the banana peel absentmindedly onto the ground and made his way towards his car.

           As Puck approached his car, he bumped into the shopping cart he had left sitting in the street—not the corral, mind you—thirty minutes prior. The cart rolled forward towards him, ready for its vengeance. If it were alive and wielding a knife, it would totally stab Puck right in the abdomen. For far too long Puck had violated its shopping cart family’s rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of being put back in the corral. But, luckily for Puck, it wasn’t alive. It was a shopping cart. In frustration with this minor inconvenience, Puck pushed the cart further into the street with one swift kick.

           “I should have used a basket,” He muttered to himself.

           However, the shopping cart heard him make this remark. Or it would have heard him if it were alive and had ears or some other method for processing auditory information. And if it were alive and capable of not just processing auditory information but also understanding English, this comment would have been the last straw. The shopping cart would teach him a lesson if it were alive. Puck was so lucky it wasn’t alive.

           Puck turned back to his car and fished for his keys in his pocket, except the keys weren’t there. What the hell, Puck thought. I just had them! He checked his pocket again as if he could possibly miss a keychain the size of Timbuktu, and to his utter shock, the keys hadn’t pulled a David Copperfield and magically reappeared. He turned back around to head into the store and angrily ask the poor girl behind the customer service desk if anyone had found and returned his car keys, as if she were the one herself who had misplaced them. However, before he could do so, something glimmering beneath the partially clouded sky caught his eye. His car keys lied in the bottom basket of the shopping cart that, after being kicked, scampered away before settling eighteen feet away from Puck and just a measly two feet from the corral.

           You got him now, you devious shopping cart you, the corral would have thought if it were alive and capable of thought. With a long, drawn out sigh, Puck crossed the street. He removed the keys from the lower basket and glanced at the corral which was now literally not even out of his way to return the cart to. The shopping cart was already facing towards the corral like a baby reaching out for its mother. Puck didn’t even have to walk forward at all to return it, all he had to do was lightly push the cart and it would be back in its rightful place. Puck didn’t do this. Instead, he took the cart and placed it back in the middle of the street for some reason, and then went back to his car.

           This would have been the final straw for the shopping cart if the shopping cart had any packets of straws left to give, never mind the rude comment about getting a basket instead. Oh, if only the shopping cart were alive and capable of inflicting punishment upon this horrible man with an even horrible-er—or, dare I say—horrible-est name. Puck? More like duck, the shopping cart would have thought, not that the cart would have any prejudices against ducks, it was just a slightly speciest saying it would have learned growing up in a family of shopping carts in the Southern states.

           Suddenly, like a car that had hit a pothole at 110 miles-per-hour, causing it to flip over multiple times before flying into a tree, a car driving at 10 mph, ignoring the 5 mph speed limit sign on the wall next to the cross walk, struck the banana peel Puck had left in the middle of the street. The car going twice the speed limit, lost control and swerved to the left, ironically enough while using a blinker. The out of control car collided with the poor shopping cart with an unquenchable thirst for blood and vengeance at the devastating speed of 2 mph. Puck turned around in time to see the accident.

What, scientifically speaking, should have sent the cart forward with the same force as the weak kick Puck had given the cart minutes earlier, oddly enough launched the cart at the speed of 200 mph directly at the man who never put his carts back in the corrals where they belong. Puck didn’t even have time to realize the error of his leaving-shopping-carts-in-the-middle-of-the-street ways, before the cart flew directly into his face, causing his head to explode like the 125,452nd watermelon destroyed by the great philosopher Gallagher, splattering blood all over a man walking past who had made the foolish mistake of wearing a white t-shirt over-confidant in his ability to avoid acquiring a stain, and sparking the obsession with blood of a three-year-old who was watching the whole scene unfold through a pair of binoculars from his parents’ house across the street.

Puck, the youngest son of Mother Mother the mother of Puck, and the youngest grandson of Mother the mother of Mother Mother the mother of Puck, was dead, though his story and misadventures wouldn’t end there. It was a tragic death. Nothing that has ever happened in human history has ever been more tragic than the death of Puck on that cloudy April day in the year of whatever year this is being read in. But don’t be sad—stop crying, society says it’s not cool to cry with empathy—for there was a sign that he had read thousands of times before that read: Please put your shopping cart up, we can’t afford another fatal accident. So, if it makes you feel any better, Puck kind of deserved it.

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Convince Me To Go {9}*

AU Chris Evans x Reader

Warning: Mild Cursing, Mild Smut, NSFW

Words: 2.4k

Summary: When we run away, we’re usually running from something. This time you may have run toward it instead.

Note: Welp. 🤷🏾‍♀️  I hope you enjoy this.

***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

“And I win again!” You stood on the bed and danced around as he sat there with the Uno cards showing his defeat.

 ���You know, they say a winner should always be graceful.”

 “Fuck that. I won, I won, I won. You lost, you lost, you lost. I’m a winner. You’re a loser!” He smiled and shook his head then grabbed your ankles and pulled you back to the bed. You shrieked and giggled when he climbed on top of you.

 “I’m a loser? Oh yeah?” he tickled you making you laugh loudly as you wiggled around trying to escape him.

 “Aaah, stop. Stop.”

 “No, not a chance.” He continued and you shrieked.

“Come on, prince charming isn’t supposed to do this.” You pouted and he stopped and smiled looking at the childish expression.

 “You’re right. Just take it back.”

 “Fine, I take it back. You’re not a loser.” He nodded in appeasement.

 “I’m glad you think so, because I think I’m a winner. You’re here right.” You smiled slowly and nodded.

 “I am.” Sadness washed over you. You were here right now, and you wanted to stay here.

 “What’s wrong?”

 “I want to stay,” you whispered.

 For the first time, he thought about reality.

 “Convince me to go.”

 “Why would I do that?

 “Because, I have a life to get back to,” you informed.

 “Ah right, your fancy life.” He rolled to the side and propped his head onto his arm as he watched you. “The same life you ran away from.”

 Rolling your eyes, you looked into the ceiling. “All right. I can do that.” He cleared his throat loudly and slide back to perch on the grey concrete block that was his headboard. “You can’t stay, you have to get back to that wonderful life with parents who want you to be someone you’re not. A career you’re good at and enjoy but feels stifling. You have to get back to a confining life in a confining place so you can be practical.”

 A feeling of dread filled you. When he put it like that who the hell would want to go back to that? The look on your face must have said it all because he snorted out. “You look like you’re going to be sick.”

 “I mean you suck at convincing me to go.”

 He shrugged and sighed. “Did you know you moan in your sleep. It sounds soft and innocent.”

 You looked at him and studied him, he was staring down at the sheets as if he were thinking about something of great importance.

 “I didn’t know that.”

 “You do, I like it.” Your eyes met again, and you nibbled your bottom lip as your heart skipped a beat.

 “You snore, I don’t like it.” His laugh was loud again, and it filled the room, it made you laugh along with him. slowly your laughter died down and the silence in the room returned.

 “Why did you leave?”

 “It was time. I came to the realization that who I was there was never the person I wanted to be; I wasn’t happy. I was happiest here and I was who I wanted to be,” he explained.

 “And who was that?”

 “The guy who drinks beer over wine, and Gin over fruity drinks, the guy with a truck rather than a Mercedes, someone who put family above all else and who looked in the mirror and felt good enough and happy to be who he is. The guy who prefers whole in the wall bars over sky top restaurants and bars that have more drinks on the menu that sound like they’re foreign countries as opposed to drinks. I’m the down to earth man who still had a drawer full of butterscotch, who loves fresh snow and eats more than his weight. The man who--.”

 “Would barge into a dark alley to save the rich princess at the drop of a hat, the guy who laughs with everything in him and whose smiles come all the way up to his eyes, the guy who sucks at Uno and can say every word to Ice Cube’s Do It. the man who has a carved out spot for him in a bookcase at the library right next to books about the meaning of life and other deep philosophical topics, the man who would fight off two muggers without a care of getting severely injured just to keep a woman safe. The guy who would open his home to a complete stranger, one he didn’t like and ridiculed not even eight hours ago. The man who is a pretty damn good architect, but an even better contractor, the man who never needs to prove himself to anyone about his worth. The kind, chivalrous, valiant, fun, giving, hilarious, patient, adventurous, sweet, guy?”

 His smile was soft as he stared at you. Every word you spoke his chest felt tighter and tighter. You saw him, really saw him. saw him better than anyone. Six hours and you’d just made the last six years of his life seem like a complete waste of time.

 “I never said I didn’t like you.”

 “Oh no? So you’re an asshole to everyone you like?” His jaw dropped.

 “Asshole? Really?” You nodded.

 “Wow.”

 “Calm down, you’re the nicest asshole anyone could ever meet.” He laughed again and smiled at you.

 “I see you too fancy face.”

 “What do you see?”

 “The woman who wants to belong and is trying to force it where she doesn’t. A woman who doesn’t realizes she has a voice and that voice is incredibly strong and powerful. A woman who while boring by her definition actually can be the life of the party if she only allowed herself. A woman who is so damn smart she could do anything she set her mind to. A woman who though sheltered is not naive, though guarded is able to trust, though completely blind can see. A woman who is so brave but can’t see it, who is such a badass she can mace one perp then tazer another unconscious and in the same breath remember to apply pressure to a wound. A woman who has such a big heart that she is willing to worry and care about a complete stranger. A woman who lingers close to practicality more times than not because she is afraid of taking a chance. The woman who I’ve found after careful research is good at everything we’ve done. Dancing, eating, drinking, being a hero, a nurse, you name it. The funny, perplexing, sweet, fun, adventurous, giving, compassionate, gorgeous, oxymoron of a woman.”

 Tears filled your eyes on the verge of spilling over. He didn’t want you to go. He wanted you to stay with him, consequences be damned. He watched them fall and you looked away and sniffled.

 “Goddamn it. You’re supposed to be convincing me to go.”

 “I know.”

 “You suck at this.” You wiped at the tears. He slid down to where you were in the bed and pulled you close.

 “I do. I don’t want to convince you to go. I want you to stay, right here.” You searched his eyes trying to understand what he meant.

 “You don’t mean that.”

 “I do. I really mean it. I mean it more than I’ve meant anything I’ve said in the last few years,” he admitted.

 “This is—no, you know nothing about me. We’ve known each other six hours.”

 “Technically, we can call it two days. This has been the best two days I’ve had in a long time. Tell me you don’t agree.”

 “I—I--, of course, I agree. It’s been great,” you agreed.

 “See, so funny people say you can fall in love at first sight. My grandparents met, fell in love and got married in the span of a month. Their story was always a fairytale to me and my siblings. It was a different time then, of course it was possibly possible. Not likely in these times but I stand corrected. I’ve felt things for you in the last two days, let along those six hours that I have never felt for anyone else ever. That scares the shit out of because it’s insane. It’s insane to think your life is fine then bam you meet someone, and they show you that your life was never fine it just was and they now make your life better. It’s insane but it doesn’t make it any less true. That is how I felt when I looked into your eyes in that alley and every hour since I’ve just--,” he paused. He knew he was rambling, he did it all the time when he was nervous or scared.

 “I—when I walked into that bar I was convinced that love was bullshit, it was some tragic thing there to make a fool of us and trick us into seeing what isn’t there. I was sure I’d never known it, and that I’d never be able to feel it. Now, here with you, I’m sure that I’ve never known it because—I’ve never felt this way before.”

 You crashed your lips to his and took charge of the kiss. As you kissed him you rolled onto him and quickly pushed off the pants he wore along with the shirt you wore and began the dance of lovers. The two of you rolled around the bed panting and moaning the names you’d used for each other the entire time. Once the bed became boring you came together on the floor perched against the mattress. Then again against the window with the backdrop of the winter wonderland of Boston behind you.

 By the time the two of you came up for air, it was once again night. Seeing him sleeping beside you made you smile. As you softly trailed your finger across his lip and down his chest pressing every curve and muscle to memory you got out the bed and quietly made your way to the living room where your purse was. You took it with you to the kitchen island, got a bottle of beer out the fridge and stared at your turned off phone. It had been almost three days. You knew the shit was hitting the fan and they were probably worried sick.

 At this very moment, you had no doubt there was a plan in place to either find you or carry on as scheduled. Your mother being the perfect socialite she was always kept the showing moving even when the wheels fell off. You were the wheels in this particular show. You being AWOL was a nuisance for her no doubt but in no way was it an impasse. After taking a heavy gulp of the beer you turned your phone back on and drank some more as it powered up.

 As soon as it got to your home screen it started going off with notification after notification. Quickly you grabbed it and turned the sound off and watched as message after message came in. You set the phone down and continued drinking. Five minutes later alerts were still coming in. After ten minutes all was still so you picked it up and saw over seventy messages, the same amount of texts and several emails. You groaned and finished the beer in one breath. Randomly you picked one of the voicemails to listen to. The sound of your father’s voice came on.

 “Princess, it’s dad. I’ve always played devil’s advocate with you, or should I say mother’s advocate. Right now, I don’t want to do that. Right now, I want to play dad. I know that the last few months have been a lot. I know it’s been hectic with work, the business, this impending merger and all that entails, and I know we haven’t had a lot of time to sit and talk and maybe that’s why you just picked up and ran. You probably felt alone. For that, I’m sorry, princess. I never want you to feel that way but running away is not the answer. You know that deep down. So, come on home. We all miss you and love you.”

 You sighed and closed your eyes and picked another message. This time your mother’s voice shrilled over the line.

 “Y/N, is this how you treat your mother? I carried you for nine months, spent twenty hours in labor, sacrificed so much for you, not including my breasts that will never be the same again. I have given you everything. This is how you repay me? Good lord, Y/N, you are behaving like a child. An impudent child. You cannot afford to behave this way. You have obligations, responsibilities. Things are expected of you, things have been laid out for you, planned and those things have to be upheld. Think of me, think of your father, think of the business and your standing in society. Get back here before this silly little rebellion costs you and everyone else a great deal. Do not embarrass me!”

 Dropping your head to the counter you groaned. While your head was down you tried to think about everything, the last two days included. It was a lot. You were quickly running out of time.

 “Hey fancy face.” you jumped and slammed your phone down onto the face in time to feel his arms wrap around you and his lips kiss your shoulder.

 “Hi.”

 “You okay?”

 “Yeah just, came for a beer,” you informed. His eyes landed on your phone.

 “And for a dose of reality.” You shrugged.

 “What can I say, I’m a sucker for torture.”

 “If that’s’ your thing I have some ideas on kink.” You smiled and turned to him and kissed him hoping to distract you both from the fancy android on the counter. He kissed you back and moaned on you, a moan you echoed.

 “Mmm, you’re naked.” His smile was wide.

 “So I am. Plan on taking advantage of it?” you smiled and kissed him once more.

 “Maybe, I’m gonna use the bathroom, but meet me in the bedroom in two minutes we should definitely talk about those kinky ideas you have.” He smiled again and you slinked around him hurrying to the bathroom.

 He smiled and walked to the fridge for a beer of his own. As he stood there and drank from it he rested his hand on the counter but knocked over your purse onto the floor. The contents spilled out before him. He bent down and retrieved each item he saw and marveled that you could hold so many things in one bag. Perfume, four different shades of lipstick, a mirror, mascara, hand sanitizer, tampons, painkillers, birth control, and a slender wallet. When his eyes saw the glint of a jewel to the left he peered around the island and underneath one of the stools his heart stopped at what he saw.

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Ducktales Reviews!: The Split Sword of Swanstatine! or Sometimes You Just Have to Punch Your Problems Away

The race for the missing mysteries takes Scrooge, the kids and a sorta hyjacked Lena and Violet to a mystical market to hunt down the pieces of the mythical sword of the warrior king swanstanine. Naturally a split artifact leads to a vignette episode as the kids pair up to find the pieces while Scrooge and Heron face off. Dewey and Webby face blindness, Louie and Violet face Louie’s reputation as an underworld kingpin, and Huey and Lena face Huey’s Feral Side. The race is on with full recap and spoilers under the cut. 

Not a lot of background here.. I was excited enough for this one as Steelbeak and Rockerduck came back, but I went from “This will be pretty good and oh look Flula Borg” to HOLY SHIT LENA AND VIOLET ARE BACK LET’S GO ALREADY. So yeah, there’s not a lot to get started here that can’t be done as we go, let’s get out there and talk about some ducktales.  We open in a vast marketplace whose name i’ve already forgotten.. it’s almost 4 in the morning here and I have terrible memory with name sometimes, I make no apologizes. Naturally given the big declaration at the end of the last episode the family is on the hunt for a missing mystery.. and Dewey is on the hunt for Street Meat, though Scrooge denies him any till they get the job done... I mean they can eat and go treasure hunting. They can do two things. Let him have some lamb dammit, spiced lamb is fucking delcious you monster! Or whatever that is the point is it’s larged, well seasoned and makes me hungry!  But starving his grandchildren aside, Scrooge has no doubt they can acomplish this as a family.. and then notices his future in laws are also there and his whole big speech game is thrown off by the question of why. To me it’s because we need more of them, quit old man your already 0-2 this episode, but turns out the explination is one of the funniest jokes of the season.. and this is a season that’s include “There now your susceptible to vampires”, “Yipiee Kai Yay Mr. Falcon!”, Darkwing’s Cookbook, Gene’s Soda Commerical, Gladstone having a mental breakdown over having to be a normal person, and Della trying to deflect the blame for traumatizing children. This bit is on par with that.  Violet explains that Scrooge told everyone to get on the plane. I assume Donald and Della are with their signifigant others, Beakly was getting some much needed therapy and Launchpad.. was flying the plane.. and also had Drake and Gosalyn with him because he double booked and had to take them with him to assist whatever ex of his is in trouble this week. Point is that bit’s freaking hilarious and Scrooge simply asks if they enjoy history and the answers are a predictable “Not really” from Lena, which given her own personal history is vast, terrible, and traumatizing up until the last year and her adoption by two gay men, relationship with a charming young lady, and gaining a beloved nerdy sister, that tracks. Violet of courser says it’s her life. Scrooge takes it: He’s used to having half his adventuring party either not caring about culture and history, the Saberwings just keep the average up. So Webby does the natural thing and tackle hugs her girlfriend and future sister in law while Scrooge smiles because why wouldn’t you. 

And I was happy about this: not just hte tackle hug, because that was precious, but Scrooge eagerly accepting them along for the ride. I was worried for half a second that as good as the gag was that’d be the episodes big underlying issue.. but nope, his confusion was more “Wait why are the extra children here”, than questions of worth and given their previous appearance had him willingly inviting them along, and Lena and Violet only opting out due to fears about her magic getting them all killed and to support her sister, it woudln’t of made any character sense for him not to, doubly so since their up against a shadowy organization of ruthless thugs. Granted Beakly likely sighed after returning from her midnight therapy and called the Saberwing parents by Ty and Indy are probably used to their daughter’s friends elderly Uncle taking them to strange places in the middle of the night by this point. I mean one of their daughters can turn bluper sayain now, the ship on normal behavior kind of sailed over a cliff a while ago. 

But Scrooge soon detects what he thinks is heron but is actually a woman who justifiably punches him. Turns out Heron was actually hiding in a stall though, and brought all her friends with her.. except Blot.. and while at first I was going to make a joke I realized they probably don’t want the guy who drains the magic out of everything near a magic artifact he’d probably destroy despite the consequences. So Bradford probably just sent him to murder the lucky charms leprechaun... he DOES have a life outside of trying to Murder scrooge... he can want to murder cereal mascots too. He’s a renascence evil mastermind. A sword fight ensues, with Scrooge telling the kids to pair up and go find the pieces while he keeps Heron busy. 

Cue Credits and cue the episode itself being split into three vignettes. I do love vignette episodes, episodes of half hour shows that split into 3 different stories taking place at the same time and break from the formula, with two of the best I can think of being the Avatar classic “Tales from Ba Sing Sei”, most famous for the really gutpunching bit with Iroh singing at his dead son’s grave.. jesus I teared up, not a joke or an exaggeration literally teared up, just thinking about it. On the opposite end we have the season 12 Simpson’s episode Trilogy of Error, which while during when the rot started to set in for the series is easily a classic on the sam tier as the first 10 seasons. It alfeatured an at the time young Daniel Radcliff as Lisa’s love interest, Marge getting accused of attempted murder after accidently chopping homer’s finger off, Bart and Milhouse turning informant ont he mob and  the tragic life of Linguo. It’s a classic. 

But yeah three pieces, three teams of two, and three story segments. So like last week I can easily divide the stories up and unlike last week I won’t be frontloading or forgetting anything since their divided up much more evenly and are played back to back to back rather than intercutting. So with that in mind...

Dewey and Webby: The Hidden Truths of Temporary Blindness and the Albino Snakes We Mistook for Cats Along the Way

The Dynamic Duo Returns! Seriously I did the legowork, I.e. went to google and despite the two’s dynamic being a sizeable part of season 1 and a plot point at the start of season 2, which also put the final nail in my shiping them coffin as it was very clear they were basically siblings in all but blood at this point and I wisely jumped off the ship and nuked it from orbit. But outside of Webby’s subplot with Dewey and Louie in “The Town Where Everyone Was Nice!”, it just.. hasn’t come up again. They’ve just had other dynamics to explore with the show and thus the two really haven’t interacted as much for the rest of the series thus far. They still interact, it’s just not really as a major part of any episodes plot till now. So while not a pairing I was expecting it was nice to have it back. For about ten seconds.  Yeah cards on the table this is the weakest of the three segements. While the other two have intresting settings, setups, and character dynamics we genuinely haven’t seen this one has.. a weird version of a dynamic we’ve seen done better, and an antagonist who feels oddly flat this go round. It’s just not THAT intresting despite some intresting moments but it’s best to just get into it to explain why. 

The basic setup is Webby is hoping to use bold de-ducktion to figure things out while flying under the radar while Dewey’s solution is naturally to ask everyone they meet, and then shout at Gandra when they do find the piece. This naturally gets a flashbang thrown at them, though we do get one great bit where Gandra asses their threat levels with Webby’s being high and Dewey’s being Eh, which tracks. And the thing that stings here is.. Gandra COULD’VE been an intresting opponent for Webby. While Huey and Violet, being fellow genuises as well as Huey’s personal stake in it for her hurting Fenton last year/season would be a better match, pitting Webby against someone just as focused and thought out in fighting, but who rather than use strength uses cybernetics and various gadgets would be really intresting, especially since the other two villian matchups are equally perfect. But instead.. it just feels like Gandra could’ve been replaced with a random fowl soldier. She just uses a flash grenade and some pakour, no real unique skills of hers or insight into her character or anything remotley intresting on her first Fenton-less outing just... “eh I use tech stuff because i’m the tech girl bleh”. The show can do better, and Jameela is given nothing to work with to the point I genuinely worried she’d been replaced.. she hadn’t, but it’s NEVER a good sign when you give an actor so little to do character wise I can wonder that. Also it’s a bit of a nitpick but it genuinely bothers me that Flula Borg, John Hodgman and Jason Mantzokus all got guest star credits.. but April Winchel and Jameela Jamil got nothing. And you could say April’s a long standing voice actor and all that.. but Tress Macneile also got a guest starring credit for next week’s episode solicit, so it’s clearly not that, and just comes off unintetionally sexist and obnoxious and has bothered me since the episode summaries came out. 

That out of the way the basic conflict is our heroes are flying blind, literally, with Dewey able to easily amble along, while Webby struggles as she can’t analize blind.. which comes off as bullshit to me. I HIGHLY doubt Beakly, paraoid mess she is, would not train her granddaughter to be able to fight without seeing. It’s one of the most basic training techniques in media. There’s a reason it pops up Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a lot. To fight on instinct and with your other senses. And the instinct part is the lesson and insn’t a bad idea, it’s just the tool they use for it means they have to make Webby entirely helpless in a way that’s nonsensical to her character to make the plot work and it drags the bit down, thoguh we do get an utterly hilarious bit where Dewey mistakes a coiled white snake for a kitten. But our heroes make it through, Webby eventually saves Dewey with a leap of faith and Dewey has Webby hit a flash grenade back at Gandra which works somehow and blinds her optics despite you know.. someone who uses this kind of tech probably being smart enough to protect her own cybernetic eyes from flashbangs. But the kids have the piece.. and  a snake now even if it terrifies them. I wish one of them had taken it home a snake fits either of them and Webby’s dealt with worse.. which is the whole problem with this segment. That being said getting to see Dewey pull a hank venture and turn his normal near-suicidal reckleness into a strength was great I just with it was framed in a way that wasn’t “plannig and knowing things is stupid USE IMPULSE”. Thankfully we can move on.  Louie and Violet: The Silver Tongued Viper and The Violet Blade versus the Billion Dollar Man

Next up is Violet and Louie, a team up I didn’t expect at all but works well, and is a much better contrast. Webby and Dewey are similar enough, despite his rampant stupidity, that having a “one side teaches the other how to use something else and tap into their inner self”lesson didn’t work> Here it works perfectly: Someone who speaks frankly and seeks the truth through reason and research paired with someone whose greatest and most cherished talent is the ablility to lie and swindle. It’s a good contrast. Their headed for the underworld since, as I forgot to mention, each of the clues is framed as coming from the heavens (the first piece being on top of a statue), the underworld and the heart of the earth.

 Violet, and understandbly given her sister is magic and the general nonsense the duck family runs into, takes the underworld part literally taking an axe and some coins to pay the ferryman with her. Louie however figures it’s usually just a flowry way of putting a con..  and while he’s wrong about mythology given the ducks have met gods and the ENTIRE next episode (which likely features selene since i’ts now established they leave out guest stars if there’s more than three apparently) is about the gods they met... his instincts are not wrong and it is nice they aren’t. Sure some myths are real but sometimes a clue isn’t literal, and it’s clever that hte underworld here is the criminal underworld. 

Turns out center piece for the sword is an underground den for the criminal underworld focused around spice eating and general no goodnik shenanigans and Louie’s come prepared. In a bit of character stuff I REALLY love, Louie’s built up a rep as “The Silver Tounged Serpent”, with him bluffing that violet is his companion, having simply used a web of lies and word of mouth to build him up as the worst and most vile criminal imaginable. It’s not a bad plan and while Violet rightly points out he’ll have to live up to it eventually, and Louie naturally deflects that as “Future Louie’s” problem, not realizing in this case Future Louie is about 2 minutes from being present Louie, it’s not a bad scheme. Sure it’s risky as hell and he picked the worst place to use it.. but having an alias he can use to sneak into places like this where Scrooge would be made in an instant, and can easily come up with lies for the rest of his family minus Huey, whose useless not for being easily detectable but because he can’t lie to save his life and this very episode cements it. Most of his family is certified grade a badass, and can easily help him bluff or back up his claims or make him look like one. it’s just this time he happened to get Violet instead whose brutally honest and while badass, isn’t great at running con games nor pleased about any of this. That and Louie’s biggest weakness is forthought: While his brothers either don’t plan at all or overplan, Louie underplans: He has good ideas and good schemes and scams.. it’s just he has no real endgame for any of them and Violet sees right through that.  Still meeting the Spice Baron, played by Flula Borg who I mostly know from this song he did with Ninja Sex Party, though I also forgot he was in PItch Perfect 2...

Your welcome. But while he’d like to give our fake arch criminal his prize, someone else already offered him a literal, not figurative ton of cocaine.. I mean Gold. Got the wrong show there for a second. Unsurprisingly it’s Rockerduck whose done this and unlike the wasted opprotunity above this battle of wits is between the perfect opponents. Rockerduck is easily what Louie would become without his family: A shifty conman with a flair for lying, contacts in the criminal underworld and aversion to doing the hard work himself. He’s such a perfect opponent for Louie I don’t know why I never considered the two going head to head before, but it’s utterly fantastic. John Hodgman is also far and away the MVP of the episode guest villain wise, with some of the best lines too, my favorite being, after making a spice pun, demanding the assorted roughnecks “Laugh, LAUGH AT MY SPICE PUN”.. just the way he demands it with a mixture of karen and a whiny teenager is inspiried. But yeah, Rockerduck knowing who he’s dealing with challenges Louie to a spice duel, basically eating the hottest spices imaginable till one folds, winner takes all.  Naturally Louie’s ep included being a champion at this, and naturally his first instincts are to bail and when that fails, keep lying while Violet encourages him not to. I mean he’s ignored the pink and red angels on his shoulder telling him not to do bad things, why would the new purple one be any different. But Rockerduck has the edge as his taste buds were burned off in cryo.. though in another great line he laments he can never enjoy hard boiled eggs again. Which fair enough but.. you know two geniuses.. one of them can simulate taste buds. Regardless, Louie’s in trouble and his attempt to simply cheat his way out fails and the baron dosen’t tolerate Cheaters.. or Cheetahs.. or Cheating Cheetahs as seen in a great sight gag with a cheetah which requires the Baron to clarify it’s both. Point is Louie is screwed.. but Violet then downs all three, without a bead of sweat for reasons the episode explains at the end of this segment, but works since we don’t know violet well and the mystery of how she did it is a compelling question for a second. Our heroes have won but Rockerduck plays his trump card: that they aren’t who their saying they are.. but turns out the truth is even better than the lies Louie has, as Violet quickly spins Louie’s legend with the outright acomplishments he’s had, including defeating the bombie and defeating Scrooge’s entire Rogue’s gallery with a pen stroke.. both true. And unlike the last segement this bit of true strength feels earned: Louie’s other ablility besides lying is seeing all the angles.. and thus like Violet.. he sees the truth. He can see what a person feels, know them better than they may know themselves or the lies they might tell themselves simply through a keen eye. He can pick apart a million dollar defense system simply with a few glances as seen last episode. Louie’s lies may be useful.. but his biggest strength is inddeed his ablility to see the truth. Louie backs violet up as conquerer of the shadow realm (techincally true) and scourge of magica de spell (not even remotely true as Magica has the same problem with face blindess scrooge has with Darkwing and just Darkwing but with everyone). Rockerduck tries to complain but the crowd turns on him, our heroes escape, and Louie compliments violet. As for how she did it meditation, which fits her pefectly so I easily accept it, and a spice of the month club.. which is oddly specific but eh, this bit was really fun so i’ll give it to her. Plus her usualy steely demanor means she likely has a great poker face.. as seen by the fact sh’es soon guling a nearbye trough of water and screaming. Great.  As you can tell I liked this segment better, as it’s a clever duel that uses wit instead of strength ilke the others this episode, and forces Louie to find his real strength as his usual one backfires and really helps define Violet even more giving her a strong sense of truth, which fits her like a glove, and a nice dynamic with Louie. It was an odd pairing, but it worked wonders and brought the episode back to life after the last segment killed some of the momentum. And thankfully that momentum keeps rolling into the best segement:

Huey and Lena: Harnessing Your Inner Feral Goblin Child for the Greater Good

As you’d expect, our heroes are doing what they do best: Lena is trying to reign in a quirky nerd, and Huey is overthinking everything by trying to triangulate where the blade of the sword is. Naturally Lena just finds it as it’s embeeded in a compasss pattern on the earth, hence being part of the earth. Unsurprisingly Lena’s solution.. is to wack it free with a mallet... you know there’s a reson she’s one of my favorites and it’s nice to see two of my faviorites who haven’t interacted hardly at all have some time together. Naturally Huey objects to destroying the thing they came for and figures out how to remove it using the clues. Unfortunately for him, but happily for me, Steelbeak is back! 

I missed this feral asshole, and Jason while not getting a ton of lines sadly, does make the best of what he has, and is used less as himself on purpose. Also while he’s still kind of a moron, as I mentioned in my Tiff of the Titans review, this version is still CLEVER. He may not be book smart, but he can think on his feet and come up with plans and here.. his plan was the best of the three we’ve seen: Just wait for the ducks to come by and solve it for him and then beat them up and take it or as he puts it “Not the first time a nerd did my homework for me. “ Dumb dosen’t always mean incompetent, and he still has his classic self’s easy sense of planning.  Had Lena not been there he would’ve won his piece and been the ONLY member of his group to do so. But Lena is there and now fully trained, so she stops steelbeak by freezing time, Za Warudo! style. Though unlike DIO she can’t manipulate anything, or go get a steam roller though given her powers she can probably make something into one, so tha’ts still on the table. She instead enters someone’s mindscape and uses that to freeze time for a bit.. how .. I have no idea, but it’s an interesting concept and the white look of the void their in now is neat, with only steelbeak himself present in a black and white negative of himself.  Huey takes this as time to plan indeiftely till he finds one that works, shooting down actually fighting Steelbeak as “a cowardly brute’s way out”. We then get a great montage as Huey tries everything, from reasoning, to barganing, to crying, to a TON of hilarious and obviously ineffectual disgusies, to lying.. which as you’d expect is simply holding the massive sword blade behind his back and going “what sword.” It’s a really great montage that shows off two things: Danny Pudi’s talent, and that Huey.. can’t reason or trick his way out of this. He can’t plan his way out. And that’s why Steelbeak is the perfect foe to put him up against: Unlike Webby who faced something she could understand and Louie, who simply faced his evil counterpart, Huey faces his exact oppsotie: Huey thrives on logic and as we soon learns bury’s his emotions and impulses and dosen’t fight unless he HAS TO and even then it’s usually in a group. Steelbeak.. is a dumb, impulsive, thug who thinks out his plans on the fly, if at all, laughs at logic, and thinks the best solution to everything is punch it or blow it up. He can’t be reasoned with, Huey isn’t good enough at deception to trick him, and outrunning him was the first thing Huey tried and failed miserably. Steelbeak is made of huey’s blind spot, his inablaity to act without thinking. And he can’t fight it. 

While Lena’s humored him despite her annoyance with Huey’s stubborness, she finally breaks and tries to force him to admit he has to brute force his way out, with Huey refusing.. but his refusal brings out a door to “the duke of making a mess”. Naturally something this ominous and personal, and the fact they have no other options and she wants to prove a point, is catnip to Lena who lets the king out.. who turns out to be what you’d get if Bart Simpson’s evil deformed twin Hugo and the messed up Dipper Clone from Gravity Falls did a fusion dance. While also in a nice nod looking VERY similar, with his broad fangs and red eyes, to the evil version of mickey from runaway brain. It’s also somehow the SECOND TIME i’ve seen a child supress his negative emotions to the point they manifested into a person shoved deep inside our hero’s head. Lena naturally loves this feral goblin who Huey explains as all his impulses and emotoins, his spur of the moemnt ones anyway, funneled into one being so he can use logic and only logic.  So basically.. Huey is bruce banner.. get.. this kid.. some therapy. 

Point is Huey dosen’t want to embrace his wild side, while Lena points out he needs to, and that sh’es learned from experince being a part of ones self someone ignored entirely as Magica’s shadow he can’t just ignore this and hope it goes away. And given Bruce Banner eventually got several more split personalities which turn into hulking rage monsters, which are a sadist with a good core, a raging child and a las vega leg breaker, and that KO repressing TKO just lead to his other half killing everything he loved and only getting that snapped back thanks to god himself... yeah maybe Lena’s right. And this really brilliantly plays into Lena’s development: Her past two episodes have been entirely about her solving a problem, her nightmares and her wondering magic, that she’s been running from by facing it. She’s learned by now you can’t just ignore something and expect it to go away. Again, that’s how you get Hulks. You have to face your sometimes literal demons and yourself to get better and make things better. And now she’s learned that, it’s Huey’s turn. His entire problem has been that he functions entirely on reason and when reason can’t work, he falls apart. It’s something I honed in on last week and has come up again. The point Lena, and the episode, is making with this bit is that sometimes you just have to trust yourself and go with your gut.  Huey, reluctnatly lets the duke out who goes Donald on Steelbeak... seriously while the big team shot of the cousins and triplets at the end of season 2 showed Huey as Fethry.. he’s easily the most Donald of the group. He’s considerate, romantic, seriously the date he set up for Fenton really was sweet and Violet is in for some very nice evenings.. but also stubborn, prone to mental breakdowns, badly needs therapy (which donald IS getting so there’s hope), and when angry is a demon sent straight from hell. I REALLY hope this gets pointed out at some point.  However without focus the Duke is useless so Lena convinces Huey that he needs to not fight the duke as some evil demonic part of him but accept him: USE his rationality and strategy with his more violent and angry impulses. The two reunite with a hand shake, seriously i’m getting so many KO and TKO vibes this episode what the actual hell, and thei rmerged self easily beats steelbeak witha  wedgie and tied shoelaces. It’s beautiful to see and Lena is brought to tears.  Before we get to the finale, this was EASILY the best segment, using Lena’s character growth to faciltiate Huey’s that’s been going on all season: making him see he needs to step out of his comfort zone of logic and accept his own inner strenght, his complete self, to really function. It’s good well done stuff and the setting is really intresting.  THE FINALE: You are my Inner Strength

So naturally all the parts come together as Scrooge and Heron’s fight lands near Huey and Lena with Webby, Dewey, Violet and Louie all showing up soon after. Scrooge in a really nice moment is  utterly proud of the kids, having had the utmost faith in them to get the pieces, and having his faith validated. He may be a cynical, sometimes assholish, old man.. but he loves and believes in his kids and future kids in law, he trusts them more than himself and he’s come far enough to not doubt them when he needs them most. FOWL however has regrouped, and Scrooge.. just gives them the assembled sword. Unsurprisingly, if still awesomely this is a ploy: Heron tries using the sword.. but it flies out of her hand and into Scrooges. He out gambited them. Also getting JoJo’s Bizzare Adventure vibes this episode with all the planning and counter planning and I am loving it. As he explains the sword reponds to true inner strength,  while heron is all surface level: All malice and schemes and nothing beneath her character, as are the others. There 3 dimensional characters.. but their all pretty open with who they are and not really open to introspection, where as our heroes are and thus grew.. and Scrooge already knows his inner strength: The kids. THey helped him  become a better person, all of them except violet and she just joined the family give her time. They’ve all helped him let his walls down and let people in again after the tragedy of della destroyed him emotionally and put the walls up thick, with Lena being the one to finally get him to destroy them for good. They’ve all helped him be better and he’s helped them all be better in turn, giving them a live of adventure where there their best selves and becoming great kids who will become incredible adults. Their love for one another is what drives them. And thus activates the sword. FOWL seemingly decides to just book and our heroes have won.  Scrooge rewards his kids, new additons included, with some street meat cut byt he sword, and we get nice little shots of the lessons having sunk in with Huey knawing into his like a rabid wolf and Dewey and Webby sharing theirs blindly i’ts a sweet conclusion to a fun episode. But given we’re in the thick of the story arc now, FOWL naturally didn’t just book it for no reason.. this was all a setup. Heron calls back to Bradford with a mission accomplished and a lock of scrooge’s feathers. 

It’s genuinely impressive as there’s no way F.O.W.L. can loose here: They win the sword.. and they have both the feathers for whatever nightmare they have planned for the Ducks, and another Missing Mystery for their grand scheme. They loose.. and they likely already have a plan to get any mysteries the ducks gather, just like last time, and they still get what they want. Either way Scrooge and the audience are unaware of the real plan, and FOWL is still ahead. 

Dew-abolical! 

Final Thoughts for the Episode as a Whole:

While a bit weaker than the last two weeks, and almost entirely thanks to the first segment, this episode is still a fun ride and a great way to kick things off now the ducks and F.O.W.L. are both on the offensive. It was also a great way to bring the Saberwing Sisters back and give them some fresh dynamics outside of Webby for a change, bring back some old faviorite vilians and in general pack a fun, Barks and Rosa style adventure story into the myth arc while still dripping with the character progression and dynamics this show lives for. One dark spot aside this really is a great episode, and the other two segements are clever and fun enough to easily ignore that. This season continues to be the show at it’s absolute peak doing what it’s always done best: taking the past and making something fantastic with it.  Next Week: The kids, sadly minus my girls, audition to replace Zeus! Horay! Finally Zeus got MeTooed! It took long enough.. I mean they wrote entire sonets about his sex crimes. This isn’t a Bill Cosby situation where it suprised the general public, no one liked him since greek times to begin with. Also DAISY RETURNS! Horay! And so does the incredible storkules, MASTER OF COCKBLOCKING!  Also Horay! Seriously unlike the last two blocks of episodes there’s not a one i’m not excited about in the bunch.  Until then you can check my blogs for more reviews, and I plan to do the first episode this month and adjust my patreon rewards accordingly. You can follow said patreon at pateron dot com/popculturebuffet, comission reviews of other ducktales or cartoon episodes for 5 dollars an episode by shooting me an ask or message on here, and get out and vote tomorrow.. that’s not related to me but given how crucial this election is. Do it get out and vote. Until we meet again it’s been a pleasure.