#as i said a lot of people i would already consider mains but my social battery/anxiety makes it a lil hard to reach out to everyone :')

[heliianth]

on Killua, projection, and spectrophobia

This post is sort of a sequel to this answer I gave an asker, wherein I said that an overarching theme in Killua's ability to situate himself and understand the world around him is constant social categorization. It's also a very direct extension of this post about how he sees Nanika in relation to his own self-perception and the way in which he treats her as a result of projection.

Originally that second post was actually meant to be the ultimate conclusion to this one (i've been sitting on this draft for close to a year atp). So it's a little embarrassing to post this without it as a closer—this feels unfinished as a result—but I'll link it in the relevant section where it should've been read anyway, and you can take it or leave it. If you do read it and see parts I paraphrased or directly copy-pasted from very early points in this meta, that's why lol. I'm lazy and didn't want to rewrite thoughts I had already articulated in my notes app, nor did I want to leave the anon hanging for however long it would take to polish this up.

Eli, this is long as fuck. Why do you care this much?

Well, why does anyone care about anything? I like yapping. This is the yapping website. Take this as your warning that this is going to be LENGTHY, btw

But the main reason I started thinking about this and writing it down so long ago is the pervasive perception within the fandom that Killua is very logical, and that this demeanor of his is a deliberate contrast to Gon’s impulsivity, reliance on instinct, and tendency to operate based on emotion. This makes the audience trust his word even when everything surrounding him is working to tell you he’s an unreliable source of narration, including the aloof overpowered rival-deuteragonist archetype he’s subverting, which people seem to recognize in every other way but this for some reason. His family directly spells out to the audience that he’s way too emotional and volatile to be considered perfect, despite the golden child gambit—

—and while the Zoldycks are all stinky fucking liars as far as whether the audience should trust them or not, I do think they know what they’re talking about in terms of suitability to be an assassin. And Zeno is ostensibly supposed to be the "sane one," regardless of how you feel about that.

Even so, I think that it’s a really easily digestible and also not unpopular view here on tumblr to acknowledge that not only is Killua very often illogical, he’s also not less emotional than Gon just because he tends to analyze more information before making a decision. It’s not a hot take to say that Killua POV Syndrome is the source of a lot of mischaracterization for both of them and their relationship. Still, I rarely see anyone talk about the specific ways in which he’s illogical, identify an underlying pattern between each instance, and connect it to his arc and the very unsubtle metaphors that punctuate it as a whole. So that’s kind of what I’m aiming for here, just to present my ideas in one place so I don’t have to keep chunking them into different responses to asks.

So. 5 topics.

Projection (clarification)

Killua's Reflection

The Outlier: Gon

The In-group

The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

1. Projection

Projection is a term I think people are well acquainted with, but I still feel the need to define it so we’re all on the same page. It’s been in the periphery of the therapy speak epidemic that’s been happening for a while now, and I want it to be clear what we’re actually talking about.

In it’s most simple form, projection is the process of attributing one’s own traits or emotions to another. This is the most common way I’m going to be using the word, but there are other relevant intricacies:

Originally, it was conceived as a way of ego defense and emotional suppression or denial. For example, the first formally documented case of projection was in a 1895 letter in which Sigmund Freud described a woman who was avoiding confronting feelings of shame by insisting that neighbors were gossiping unjustly behind her back. This form wherein the person projecting recognizes an emotion or action as condemnable in themself but is unwilling to reflect on it, and then attributes that same trait to someone else so it is “safe” to judge, remains the more popular conception of projection. Freud is a whole can of worms and me referencing him is supposed to be more of a history lesson than a concession of legitimacy. And in terms of talking about projection, I do think the type he describes exists and I do think it’s useful for the purposes of this post to use his name in reference to it.

Contemporarily, projection is understood more benignly as being a part of theory of mind (the ability to parse the intentions and mental states of other people separately from one’s own). This type has many different forms which manifest healthily during stages of psychological development or interaction, such as a child learning to perform empathy by recognizing and interpreting familiar experiences or expressions in others. That specific process, however, is more often referred to as mentalization, wherein “…there is little distortion of the other person’s mind because there is no automatic equation of it with the mind of the observer..." though it is still considered a form of projection because it requires using your own experiences to determine that of another.

All of these definitions are relevant because Killua does all three. He imposes his own traits onto other people even if it’s not necessarily warranted, projects the judgement of his shameful aspects onto those around him to avoid confronting them (Freudian), and uses his own experiences to mentalize with targets chosen based on his own self-perception.

2. Killua’s Reflection

I’m sure everyone interested enough in Hunter x Hunter to be reading metas on it already knows about Killua’s shit self-esteem and where it comes from. It’s something that doesn’t really need to be restated. Nonetheless, I feel an aspect of it is necessary for what I want to say.

A lot of Killua’s emotional conflicts within the story stem from a desperate need to disprove what Illumi said to him in the exchange that disqualified him from the first arc's exam.

At this point Killua has actually seen and experienced things that contradict what Illumi is saying. But in this case, even with all of these new experiences and people on his side, Killua finds he can’t disagree with his big brother. After all, it’s backed up by some pretty irrefutable proof—more than Killua has.

For example, Killua’s reaction to Gon being completely unbothered in this conversation…

Alternate translation from the 2011 anime is: "That's weird... People only like me because they can't ever tell whether I'm serious." (Viz is my worst enemy for early HxH and should be yours too)

…corroborates 2 things:

Killua has approached people (outside of the Zoldyck estate) in the past, whether to be friends or to cure boredom

Upon being told about his family, these people either reacted poorly or with disbelief. Then he was ostracized or became disinterested

Killua doesn’t seem too bothered by this all things considered, and that’s because it reinforces his family’s emotional isolation, so it’s expected and he has no reason to think it's abnormal or worry over it. Killua is told he’s incapable of friendship because of who he is and how he was raised, and then every relationship he has ends before it can begin precisely because of those reasons. From his perspective, his family are objectively correct. Every time Killua talks to anyone, he may as well be proving that gravity eventually makes things fall down. He just kept trying because he was that desperate for friends who liked HIM, not his cute kid routine.

What his family have done is effectively created a rigid in-group that defines Killua and his capacity for interaction outside of that group. This has overlap with the typical notion of “out-group bias” which, when you google it, specifically brings up the mechanisms of bigotry. I’m referring to it in the more neutral tone associated with social identity theory, which has to do with socially assigned and defined traits valued via comparison (often moral comparison), and the desire to belong to an identity group that is valued positively by the majority.

The funny thing about the Zoldycks is that they do seem to teach their kids to some extent that murder is wrong and will be perceived as wrong by the out-group. But at the same time, a caveat is created: the reason why the in-group (their family) can and should engage in it is because it is in their nature. Asking Zoldycks not to murder is like asking a cat not to meow; they can do it simultaneously because of the family’s value-specific superiority and their moral inferiority—that they're good at what they do and inherently bad at what everyone else does. “We are the only ones who could ever love or understand you, you don’t need Them.” Not only is it isolating, it’s dehumanizing, and something like this is a classic tactic used to trap people.

Doesn’t work on Killua though! He swings in a counterintuitive direction by wanting acceptance from the out-group instead of withdrawing back to his safe, rejection-free in-group. I think that has to do with the fact that he’s also othered from that in-group in some manner.

Killua is part of the family, yet he’s the golden child. As of present, the entire operation revolves around him. He’s shown blatant favoritism: Illumi and Kikyo are obsessed with him, Zeno justifies preferential treatment when called on it, Silva is very lenient with him, and the butlers we’ve seen seem to all have some preference as well. The rest of his siblings may as well be invisible while he’s around. He’s not just a Zoldyck, he’s the heir. And with the amount of control exerted over him because of it, there’s an easy connection to make that being the family’s pet prodigy had a big hand in crafting Killua’s oppositional personality.

So funnily enough, by singling him out, the Zoldycks kind of guaranteed that Killua would start to suspect that he’s not actually a part of their in-group—fueling his desire to be normal (read: actually belong somewhere) and turn his search outward. Their tradition got too big and began cannibalizing itself. Put a pin in this because we’re returning to it later.

Going back to what Illumi actually said to Killua, during the fourth phase Killua both compares himself with Gon:

…and is absolutely baffled by the fight’s turn:

…which are things Illumi addresses—that one day, Killua will start evaluating Gon as an opponent, and that Gon confuses him. Though he’s using these to gaslight him into doubting his own emotions and desires, what Illumi says is all true to Killua.

Gon does confuse him because, unlike every other social interaction he’s ever had, Gon doesn’t reinforce what his family has said to him. Gon is not considered “the out-group” by Killua; he does not behave in the way Killua has seen and was taught the out-group behaves, so he must not have their same values. Most importantly, he likes Killua for who he is as an individual, not his proficiency at the things valued by his in-group, which makes him feel like an actual person and like he could potentially belong somewhere. Gon is dismantling the mechanisms of Killua’s abuse by… basically just being a silly little guy. And though obviously Killua isn’t aware of that specifically, he does feel it’s effects.

So when Illumi pops up and basically goes “Yeah, all that is a fluke. An outlier. I know how you think, this is what you were just doing, and you’re deluding yourself,” Killua has no argument because Gon is an outlier; the one person that’s not part of the out-group or the in-group.

And then Illumi goes and puts the final nail in the coffin by forcing him to surrender, thereby allowing Gon to die and "proving" him right in that he's incapable of connection. So he does what’s expected of a murderer then goes home.

Of course, Gon storms the castle anyway, but this exchange still haunts Killua. He believes Illumi is still right. There is still the in-group, the outgroup, and Gon.

This is the kind of thinking that Killua brings into every relationship he has and, despite wanting so badly to prove Illumi wrong, he uses these preconceptions in order to side step actually confronting it. Killua doesn’t like thinking about the possibility of Illumi being correct. He doesn’t want to; he gets genuinely upset, sometimes angry, when reminded of it (think his outburst with Nobunaga in Yorknew), and it’s hard for him to engage with the idea when it comes up. But proving Illumi wrong in any substantial manner would mean thinking about it.

Similarly to Gon assigning Killua the role of “the cool-headed one who keeps me in check,” Killua takes Illumi’s evaluations of their relationship and twists them into something he can operate off of. In his head, he’s assigned Gon the role of “the outlier" which Illumi described, but views Gon’s uniqueness optimistically instead of misanthropically. As a result, Killua ends up pouring his self-worth into being useful to Gon. He doesn’t really know how else to get people to want him around, and as long as Gon is around, Illumi is wrong.

Though Killua is doing this in order to prove so, he’s not actually fully rejecting Illumi—it’s very psychologically shallow because the foundation of it still relies on Illumi’s assessments. Doing this lets Killua avoid having to do overwhelming hard work in either self-evaluation or examination of his upbringing—ironically reinforcing what Illumi wants, which is to constantly run away from problems he can’t handle.

When I say Killua is avoiding having to do hard work on reflection, I don’t mean that in a negative way. Actually deconstructing all this would take years of grueling emotional labor to do, and Killua is a child. So instead, he applies this faulty worldview in ways that make him happy, and that’s better than nothing. There’s genuinely no other option for him at this point in the story and it would obviously be silly to condemn him for it.

This is the basis of his projection; a habitual avoidance of confronting difficult emotions or ideas and an application of traits onto people regardless of fitness to reinforce it—loosely Freudian. It’s because of this that the the reoccurring motif of often literal fight or flight is so important to Killua’s character and is so deeply entrenched in his development, beyond the physical prowess to defeat strong opponents or even just growing out of being an assassin. It's a metaphor for him learning to start actually unpacking his abuse.

3. The Outlier: Gon

Because the way he perceives himself has been molded by alienation, Killua has some difficulty mentalizing with people he sees as belonging to an out-group—instead relying on analysis and pattern recognition to mimic that function and compensate. This usually works out for him because he’s a smart kid, but not always, especially when there’s no pre-established pattern (such as that time he thinks himself into a hole during the Greed Island player selection process).

There are a few examples of Killua’s difficulty to mentalize with people he’s already decided are unlike him, but a lot of them can be simultaneously attributed to apathy or practicality, so I don’t want to say anything definitive. In that same vein, Killua also seems to have a rough time getting along with peers and certain authority figures in general, which is a result of many intersecting things, some having to do with projection—for example, I’m reasonably certain his difficulties with older women come from family misogyny and his own disdain for his mother—and some not.

Despite these varying reasons, I feel confident in saying mentalizing with assigned out-groups is something Killua struggles with because Gon, the person he spends most of the series glued at the hip with, is the single biggest example and indication of it.

As mentioned, Gon confuses the hell out of Killua at first. This subsides as the series goes on—he begins to understand Gon very well behaviorally, enough to accurately predict and describe him—but it returns in the Chimera Ant Arc when Gon’s previously reliable patterns start to shift and Killua has no idea how to deal with it. This gulf of dark and light he’s invented between them causes Killua to simultaneously project heavily onto Gon and understand him as someone so alien that he often completely misses Gon’s greater motivations (and cannot actually internalize his affections, though that’s not unique to the ant arc).

His perception of Gon is so wrapped in his perception of himself that arguably one of Killua’s most dramatic and iconic little internal monologues (“you are light”) occurs right after an emotional low point where he’s obviously feeling guilty and wondering whether he’s capable of performing his assigned role in their friendship, then is urged to no longer think about it (avoidance).

To make matters more obvious, Killua’s vocabulary in the “you are light” declaration is even ripped directly out of Illumi’s mouth (眩しすぎて, translated by Viz as “radiant” from Illumi then again as “too bright” during this scene). Killua idolizes Gon as being this brilliant outlier and relies on him as a key part of his psychological avoidance—not at all even considering whether this fundamental idea, which is borrowed from and agrees with Illumi, is wrong on its own.

In the CAA, Killua is constantly having these beliefs he’s trying to dodge nailed in not only by the adults around him but also his own actions. And, when Bisky confronts him with (what he hears as) the possibility that Gon’s mere presence isn’t enough to prove Illumi wrong and Killua will end up essentially killing him regardless, he becomes resigned to the idea that he is unfixable up until he rips that needle out of his brain.

Removing Illumi’s needle results in a high point for his esteem primarily because it forced Killua to actually linger and, again, think about Illumi and his abuse. It was a huge confrontation both physically and mentally, he did it by himself without any of his psychological crutches, and coming out on top built his confidence to the point where his mood/behavior changed enough for Gon to notice. But it didn’t erase his unease about their relationship.

As Killua begins to feel less stable in his self-appointed roles, Gon also starts to break down and starts prioritizing revenge on Pitou. Alone. And this makes Killua also feel less stable in Gon’s role as the outlier. Similarly to the woman who invents gossiping neighbors to avoid addressing shame, Killua invents judgement from his best friend to internally avoid addressing his internalized alienation. He ends up worrying that Gon will ostracize him and assuming the worst, when previously he thought he'd be the only one who wouldn't do that. He becomes hyper-observant of any possible rejection.

And he’s not worried about moral rejection like he used to be! Because when Palm is introduced, it becomes evident that the rejection Killua is worried about is revealed to be his emotional value to Gon. Whether Killua is as important to Gon as Gon is important to Killua—whether his feelings, romantic or otherwise, are reciprocated.

Then with Palm, these insecurities take the form of pretty stereotypical projection in the form of jealousy and cattiness, even after the whole dating thing is finished…

…and leads to his meltdown right in front of her, during which the narrative acknowledges and makes him finally voice these insecurities.

Like, when Gon says “Let’s go,” Killua immediately spirals into worrying what Gon means by it in terms of his value. Whether they are “just teammates” or something more.

And when Gon tells Killua “This has nothing to do with you,” he can verbally acknowledge that Gon is not being deliberately nasty, but it still hits him like a truck anyway. His true understanding of the situation, regardless of what he thinks logically, is that he is being ejected from their friendship—that Killua, who defines his personhood according to the roles assigned by both himself and Gon, is no longer wanted and no longer belongs anywhere.

A sign of disordered or delayed ability to mentalize in a child—appropriately, due to abuse or atypical attachment—is not being able to separate their own reaction from the intentions of their caregiver during a reprimand or some similar interaction. This is relevant in that Killua has placed Gon into a position with an inordinate (and frankly unfair) amount of emotional authority upon which he’s reliant for comfort and affirmation. Killua’s theory of mind is impaired in relation to Gon not only as is normal due to strong emotions, but also his projecting onto what Gon thinks, which is a result of othering himself from him.

4. The In-group

I think the above is… fairly obvious, and also a super unoriginal observation. But it’s made rhetorically useful by it’s converse: the fact that Killua has a really easy time mentalizing with people that are inhuman, whether morally or literally. I’ll rapid-fire a few examples because they’re pretty self-explanatory…

Killua recognizes Hisoka’s intentions because “[he’s] like him”.

More Hisoka parallels, this time including Gon

(I’m convinced a lot of these are with Hisoka because Togashi still wanted us to hang onto the abundance of “Killua will turn heel” red herrings in the early story. Small tangent, but during the exam Togashi loved to separate Killua from Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio in various ways, often physically, in part to encourage the audience to other him so that these red herrings would be extremely prominent even during Heaven’s Arena. But I think a Watsonian analysis is also fitting)

This one is shakier because it’s primarily an ethical debate which Gon and Bisky chime in on as well, but I thought it was good to include as part of a broader pattern since he specifically brings up moral values and how they define in-groups.

Killua empathizes with Ikalgo right after being willing to murder him lmfao. It's notable the way in which he starts checking around this time if the ants/people he's fighting are douchebags or not (do they have the right social identity or not?), which seemingly justifies killing them.

(I think it’s really interesting that the upper page centers Killua’s hands during the setup for a realization about Meruem hurting himself for the sake of a “special someone." It's like Killua's equivalent to Gon's "[You'd hurt yourself] when... you can't forgive yourself.")

The reason why this occurs has to do with the defined social identities created by his family and the immediate biases/prejudices associated with them. Because of how Killua has dehumanized himself in accordance with these traits, he is pre-disposed to extending understanding—whether that be actual compassion or simple insight—toward characters who are othered as monstrous in-universe (and by the audience, where it’s used as a narrative tool by Togashi) because these experiences of being alienated from the vast majority are most familiar and sensical to him.

This becomes pretty obvious to me when you take into account that Killua’s only friends other than Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika—or at least the only other people he actually calls his friends—are chimera ants (and, in the case of Palm, she was very much ostracized even when she was a human including by Killua himself). Characters like these are relatable and make someone part of an in-group, whether he likes it or not.

On that last point, I want to bring up this observation and comment made by him…

…because while this observation from Killua comes about naturally due to Pitou’s behavior during this confrontation, the comment about protecting not being in their nature sticks out to me as somewhat uncharacteristic. It feels distinctly very emotionally charged in the midst of a scene where Killua is deliberately trying to remain calm and impartial for the sake of Gon (exercizing the role Gon gave to him).

Part of this is definitely because Pitou has been symbolized to these kids for what they did to Kite, but Pitou also has a LOT of parallels with Killua as a result of them both being intrinsically intertwined with the questions of nature Togashi brings up in Hunter x Hunter. Killua is “by nature a murderer,” Pitou is “by nature incapable [of this action]”; I believe they are very deliberate foils, so it’s interesting to hear Killua think things about Pitou that Illumi once said to him.

It’s also worthwhile to note that the role Pitou was born into and the role Killua gives himself are essentially the same, Guard, and that Meruem and Gon mean similar things to them (of course, there is the “light that illuminates all”/“you are light” comparison, but more abstractly, both Meruem and Gon represent the Ants’/Killua’s potential for expansion/evolution—in the food chain and in life/purpose respectively—and are protected as such). They also abide by this role with almost the exact same amount of devotion; we see this in the way Pitou crying over being trusted with something so important to Meruem (healing Komugi) is a parallel to how Killua was so impacted by being relied upon for an important task to Gon (holding the dodgeball).

Killua definitely doesn’t consider any similarities consciously the way he does with Hisoka, Ikalgo, or through mentalization with Meruem, but when he is thinking this of Pitou, he’s looking at a narrative foil, which I find telling. I think it’s a very classic case of Freudian projection.

5. The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

All this brings me to what I want to talk at length about, which I suppose you can already guess because I gave it away in the section heading.

Killua’s relationship with his sisters has always been fascinating to me because they’re probably the only people in the world he would genuinely consider as sharing his precise in-group. Not just the Zoldyck family in-group, but the Killua in-group. And it really effects the way he thinks during the Election Arc.

I’ve tried my best to neatly separate Alluka and Nanika into their own sections, but it’s still going to be sorta all over the place (moreso than this analysis already is) mostly because right now Killua still hasn’t totally figured out that Alluka and Nanika are basically two whole different people. He’s certainly much closer to that than the rest of his family considering he actually makes a distinction between them, but he’s still not treating Nanika like an individual at this point in the story. And that’s super important to the way he projects onto them, so it’s going to be a little messy. Sorry in advance

Alluka

Remember that pin I told you to save for later? Now is later.

Alluka and Nanika sit at the table with Killua in being othered not only by the defined out-group (due to just being a Zoldyck), but by the people who were supposed to be The In-group™ in the first place: his family. Of course, Alluka’s situation is very different and accelerated faster than a racecar the second Nanika stopped being a secret, but evidently she was kept secret for a reason. Killua was already extremely astute even at the age when these events were happening, and probably assessed (accurately) that there would be huge drama if Nanika were ever discovered; he even went so far as to keep hiding things about how her powers worked long after the gig was up. It would be kind of stating the obvious to say someone who does all that isn’t someone who considers his sister(s) normal according to in-group standards. Otherwise there wouldn’t have been a secret at all.

The reason why Killua got along with his sister(s) so well pre-lockup and pre-needle was most likely because he was already being socially separated from his siblings as the family heir. He then took comfort from Alluka in knowing he wasn’t the only “weird” one, even if no one but him knew that yet, and projected onto her (making decisions about Nanika for her that reflect his own wishes—to keep her secret so that no one would treat her differently)

It’s partially this same projection (i say partially because it’s also, like, basic compassion) that makes Killua so mad when Alluka is outright excluded—not just symbolically, but legitimately—from the family.

He himself strives desperately to be “normal”/belong somewhere, and that ‘somewhere’ includes his own family, though at this point he obviously has more complicated emotions about it. He wants to be understood and accepted by them without being smothered—even Illumi, when he tests Killua to make a wish that would kill him, is included in this desire. In Killua’s ideal world, the Zoldycks would be on good terms with each other and act “normal”; a fantasy from a childhood whose corpse he still drags around because he doesn’t recognize that he’s been abused beyond being helicoptered and needled. Alluka herself shares this:

It’s one more thing they have in common. And, like he does when Illumi spoke in his head during Yorknew or when he said he didn’t actually want anything during the Exam, Killua gets angry when this fantasy is denied. He becomes confrontational in a way he usually wouldn’t otherwise.

I feel it’s notable that Killua does not contradict Alluka’s idea that if she were gone, everyone would get along more. Not because I think he believes it, but because I think he also doesn’t know the answer. So instead, he pivots into comforting her another way. And crucially, it’s by using something he can understand: that there is a special outlier who loves her even if she doesn’t belong anywhere, and as long as they’re together she doesn’t have to worry about it.

Cool. All that’s pretty easy to get. But it gets more complicated, because it always does.

When Killua returns for Alluka, he returns because he needs to save Gon. And with Gon comes all the baggage associated with him.

Despite the deconstruction of the dark/light dichotomy with him during the CAA, Killua remains identified with a ‘nonhuman’-aligned in-group only he belongs to, and continues judging himself accordingly. It’s a position that still puts a wall of glass between him and the majority out-group, and leaves him uncomfortably othered in the Zoldyck in-group. Gon was the all-important, miraculous outlier that made him be able to live with it, the one person that made him feel like he belonged somewhere even if it wasn’t on the basis of being in the same moral in-group. The exception to the rule of ostracization. But he knows better now. And while that’s really good progress because it begins to demystify Gon (who deserves to be understood), it leaves him in a very fragile state when confronting his family because that role was a lynchpin for upholding the psychological anti-Illumi safety net he built after the Hunter Exam.

Ultimately, this leaves Killua in a situation where his sisters can uniquely reaffirm this unhealthy superego because he can project onto them in ways he can’t with anyone else.

By saddling himself with the lone responsibility to heal Gon as a way to atone for failing to perform his role—an insecurity magnified by “this has nothing to do with you”—Killua is paralleling Gon’s guilt complex to a degree (as he does throughout the entire story, but it feels especially prominent here). Where they differ is that Gon’s apology and the validation of his emotions Killua will get from that is the relief from guilt he seeks, not the self-destruction Gon does.

In Killua’s head, they both failed their roles in their friendship—Killua didn’t end up being of any use to Gon in the end, and Gon ended up ostracizing Killua—so Killua vows to do his part again as long as Gon does so as well.

In a way, this is him acknowledging both his emotional understanding and his logical understanding of that exchange in the palace—that Gon didn’t mean what he said and did (thereby expecting him to apologize), but it still hurt him (he wants an apology anyway). This apology isn’t about blaming Gon for what he did or even really holding him responsible—which is why he can tease him lightheartedly about it later—it’s more about Killua’s own emotions. He’s standing up for himself! Which is an indication of a maturing theory of mind.

Some people read this panel with an undercurrent of Killua meaning this will be the last time he helps Gon in this way—and I understand where that comes from due to the fact that they separate afterward, and don’t really have an objective counterargument. So take this next part with a grain of salt, but I really don’t think that’s true. Killua isn’t the type to do that… I don’t even think it’s in his brain to separate from Gon right now. This is just Killua deciding that he needs to start laying down boundaries and paying attention to what he really wants in their relationship outside of being useful. It’s an out-loud admission of how deeply he cares, to the point where he can no longer wholly process or justify it as a transaction, as he does with most forms of love for self-evident reasons. It’s the beginnings of him learning about unconditionality. This is a huge step.

So…. where does it sour?

Well, Killua is faced with a similar sort of guilt brought on by role-failure (the role being “big brother”) when he comes to retrieve Alluka…

Whether you believe “Was it because Illumi was manipulating me?” is Togashi giving the audience a hint or this line being pure in-universe speculation, it doesn’t quite matter, because Killua feels the same about it at the end of the day: guilt and shame.

Though he apologizes to Alluka for this and she readily accepts it, it’s obvious these feelings continue to gnaw at him throughout the entire arc. It retroactively chips down the work he did back at the hospital, since they are the same emotion with similar catalysts.

I say this because I feel like you can infer that his guilt over these two separate but similar things bleeds together by the way Killua, when talking to himself, tends to refer to the two ‘savings’ in conjunction. You could totally say I’m onto nothing because one is a result of the other so no shit they’re related, but I think it’s significant to this discussion.

Specifically the last exchange also serves as a way for Killua to verbally reassure Alluka of her importance to him. The fact that he thinks this is necessary also shows to me that, again, he’s still feeling guilty for it, even though Alluka never indicates that she holds it against him. These panels further reaffirm this belief of mine:

…because Killua is planning to permanently put Nanika to sleep so that Alluka can “spend more time with him” (in the words she herself uses when complaining about it), which indicates that, again, it is something he feels horrible for—and that he sees Nanika in a very particular way which assigns fault to her that doesn’t quite exist, but we’ll get to it soon.

What I’m trying to say here is that because saving Alluka is inseparable from saving Gon, so too becomes the magnified things he feels over not being able to do either of these things beforehand. So successfully defending Alluka becomes way for him to relieve this now-compounded guilt and reassure himself that he’s still capable of fulfilling his self-assigned roles. If he can do that, he can still belong somewhere. He’ll still be worthy of love.

To summarize, Killua not only related to Alluka when she was young—making her very easy to project onto—but also the situation calls for Killua to see her as an extension of his best friend, which only rubs salt into the wound and serves to make him more irrational about it since Killua is still seeking redemption and reparation for the breakdown in the CAA.

Considering all the progress Killua has made, this is a relatively hard relapse. It makes sense, though; just look at what’s happening! Illumi has been the main catalyst for all this agonizing, the person whose assessments he’s developed a pathological need to simultaneously prove wrong and also avoid thinking about altogether. Now he’s got to stare that person in the face with everything on the line and tell him to fuck off.

This is the needle yank prelude on steroids for Killua—a magnification of that time when he was constantly teetering on the edge of ditching and clinging to Gon based on how useful he saw himself. Back then, when Bisky pointed out that he was putting Gon in danger, he decided that he had to leave. So, when his brother uses Nanika to put Alluka in danger, Killua decides Nanika has to leave. For a little while, Illumi becomes unconquerable again, and Killua regresses back into running away.

Nanika

This is where I leave you with this post to read as the conclusion. The readmore is actually pretty relevant, whereas it wasn't when I was answering the anon. Underwhelming, I know. Whatever man.

I really am sorry for how long it is. Tumblr yelled at me 5 times about the image limit, I had to improvise. Being super succinct without leaving out everything I want to say is a skill I do not have. Regardless, thanks for reading and hopefully this was at least a little interesting!

[fatelcved]

hey hey hey!! it's been a while since i updated my pinned post, so i'm making a lil mains and exclusives call!

liking this post tells me that you would like to be mains, prioritizing interactions with each other and implying a level of comfortability between us -- basically, neither of us need to be nervous about sending memes, asking to ship, and other such things! not that any of my mutuals need to worry about any of this, but mains especially so. if you currently listed as a main/affiliate on my pinned, you don't need to like this post! you're stuck with me already <3

you do not have to speak to me regularly to be a main! i'm pretty sporadically here atm anyway. i only ask that we've written together before and kinda have an idea of our muses' dynamic ( doesn't need to be fully developed!! ), or we can take a moment to discuss potential dynamics if we've never written anything that stuck and go from there!

if you would like to be exclusives, pls comment for which characters! i'll play these by ear a little, but i'll pretty much write with one or two versions of a canon character per muse. there may be some cases in which i'm so attached to someone's portrayal that i may write with only their portrayal no matter the muse on my end, but i'll tell y'all if that happens.

to be clear, i'll exclusively write with partner a's t.engen against my k.aigaku, so i won't write with any other t.engen against k.aigaku. however, i'll write partner b's t.engen against hyouka.

[hs-is-loml]

There's No Way. (cs55)

Pairing: Carlos Sainz Jr. x Fem!Reader

Summary: carlos and you have been best friends since childhood but everyone can tell you're something more especially the fans. or when carlos and you are together but try to pass it off as best friends until more people catch on

Type: Social Media AU! face claim is Cindy Kimberly

Warnings: UNEDITED so like 3 grammar mistakes in the twitter threads and prob a little more…

a/n: i will forever be in love with the trope of childhood best friends to lovers for carlos because he reeks of old money and someone who needs a lot of history to connect...

all translations of spanish come from google! english translations are in parentheses!!

masterlist

twitter

instagram

yourusername has posted

liked by carlossainz55, drewstarkey, neymarjr, and 1,341,972 others

yourusername back home 🥰

tagged carlossainz55

view all 117,593 comments

worldchampionsisaid not two boys liking her pic when she already has a man 😭

→ outer_bankzz what the hell are drew and neymar doing here...

→ carlosandy/n no fr considering half the post includes him too-

carmenmmundt pretty girlfriend

→ yourusername sending my love to you! call me!

→ georgerussell63 carmen?! she's your what??

→ carmenmmundt she's my main piece, you're just the side one...

→ yourusername take that, george.

landonorris mom, i miss you

→ yourusername i miss you too, son. come home 💙

→ welovey/n not lando being carlos and y/n's child

carlossainz55 feels good to be home

→ liked by yourusername and 417 others

thatonebakucorner i don't get it, do carlos and y/n live together?

→ forthef1wags yeah, they do! after y/n graduated they moved into a place together, you can see her a lot in carlos' vlogs just doing things around the house

→ thatonebakucorner so they're together?

→ forthef1wags they have never confirmed it officially, so who knows

neymarjr 😍😍

→ thestoryofonedirection ew. go away

→ y/nismothering back off 🤺🤺🤺

blancasainzv always good to have you back with the family!

→ yourusername my favorite part of being home

→ carlossainz55 are you sure that's your favorite part?

→ charles_leclerc mate, there are children around...

obsessedwiththem they make it so obvious😭

lilymhe the cutest!

→ yourusername miss you, babe!

→ alex_albon back off my girlfriend.

→ yourusername never.

twitter

instagram

carlossainz55 has posted

liked by yourusername, charles_leclerc, landonorris, and 2,160,937 others

carlossainz55 never better than at home

tagged yourusername

view all 189,342 comments

wagsforlife the fact they only tagged each other in their posts 😩

yourusername mi vida! (my life)

→ carlossainz55 mi corazón (my heart)

→ rootingforthem their nicknames for each other>>

f1wags number one f1 couple!

→ neymarfan leave it alone, they're not dating.

→ y/nisforlife tell that to their parents who set those two up since birth...

→ marrymey/nl/n of course, it's a neymar fan saying that💀

landonorris dad, mom said to come inside for dinner. (please hurry she's yelling in spanish at the oven rn)

→ carlossainz55 oh no, not again.

→ oneforthewags that seems so much like something y/n would do😭

→ f1circuittrack did lando actually go to them for summer break??

scuderiaferrari home is where the heart is!

→ y/nandcarlando even the admin knows something

y/nisaneed she's so beautiful!

→ liked by carlossainz55 and 510 others

carlosconfusion atp they aren't even hiding anymore...

twitter

instagram

yourusername has posted

liked by lilymhe, danielricciardo, pillowpersonpp, and 1,501,076 others

yourusername can we always be this close? forever and ever

view all 129,107 comments

protectthewags is y/n soft launching??!

taylorswift you're my lover

danielricciardo you're going to drive them crazy

→ yourusername 🙈

tomyloverrr not the taylor swift lyrics, girl's down badd😭

francisca.cgomes you two are so so cute!

→ yourusername sending lots of kisses to you 💋

→ pierregasly she's mine, y/n.

→ francisca.cgomes don't listen to him, my wife 😘

→ thef1wags y/n is stealing every single one of the grid's gfs

carlossainz55 the guy has good taste for the flowers.

→ liked by yourusername and 603 others

lovel/n i want what they have

f1memes drew and neymar are somewhere crying right now...

y/nl/n55 carlos and y/n supremacy

nutsfory/n she's glowing 🥰

shared post by yourusername and carlossainz55

liked by landonoriss, charles_leclerc, anasainzvdec, and 2,913,468 others

yourusername and carlossainz55 never one to be subtle.

view all 196,975 comments

carlossainz55 mi amor, tienes mi corazón para siempre (my love, you have my heart forever)

→ yourusername eternamente tuya, mi vida (forever yours, my life)

danielricciardo just to let everyone know that i won the bet a long time ago 😁

thepaddockfloor y/n is my wag for life

gfsidehoe we already saw this coming

landonorris parents. also, why are the reaction pics on twitter mostly of me??

→ liked by yourusername, carlosssainz55, and 398 others

→ yourusername twitter never fails to make me laugh

→ f1girly not lando seeing the twitter threads 😭

anasainzvdec love you two so much!

→ yourusername love you to the moon, ana!

charles_leclerc i was thinking you were going to keep it a secret forever

gayfory/n they are so perfect together

16crying55laughing the "it" couple of f1

scuderiaferrari our favorite wag!

[ballerinarina]

𐙚LET'S TALK ABOUT... DIEGO, LILA & FIVE

Okay, firstly I need to state that I'm going to say my impressions about the season four of The Umbrella Academy, focusing on the subway plotline. My considerations are very long (I'm talkative!) and about what I watched in the episodes and what I read on social media, so, I am totally open to opinions too!!

As an hyperfocused girl, I've been thinking about the subway arc plot decision during an absurd amout of time. I watched it a few times and read a lot of opinions. Yet, I still feel a little... surprised (?) by the intense hate over it.

It's not about liking or disliking the new couple that I'm talking about. Since naturally people would prefer one ship over another, it was obviously waited that the opinions would be divided.

I just... can't understand why people hated it so much as if it was a bad plot decision. Diego and Lila are beautiful together, i agree! They have a long, real and strong love story together. But why people are acting like this new plotline erased all their relationship together? Relationships are more complex than that.

Feelings are more complex than that. Humans are.

Actually, I may say that the psychological development that happens in the subway is way more interesting because Lila and Diego love each other, as much as Five loves Diego too.

This being said, I don't mean that I think a cheating plotline is interesting because of the cheating. I actually use to dislike it a lot. However, dealing with cheating in a black-and-white way as if it's an indefendible action is not clever. Sometimes, some things I read make me realize that people are so stuck into traditional morals that their capacity of thinking and analyzing complex emotional situations is kind of... damaged.

𝐒𝐨... 𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐚 𝐗 𝐃𝐢𝐞𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐫 𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐚 𝐗 𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞?

The Umbrella Academy is known as a series with very human and complex characters. That's what makes it so good, from the beginning! That's why I think it's kind of sad to judge their relationship with a typical moral view.

Claiming that Lila didn't deserve Diego, for example is so... so sad. She was an amazing mother and wife. She tried to go back to them for six years and as soon as she could she went back! Not even thinking twice! She loves Diego, of course she does!

Loving Five doesn't make her love for Diego less strong.

I really don't think Lila X Five is just neediness, however, no way. They already spent two seasons constructing a beautiful (friend) relationship before and in this horrible context they spent a lot of time taking care of each other, being each other's support. Considering this and their communication development — jokes on season 3, kindness in the beginning of season 4 — it's not surprising or nonsense that it turned to become romantic. People and relationships change, love is built and adapted.

I don't think Lila stopped loving Diego (i mean romantically, but even if she did, she surely didn't in other ways of loving that are as beautiful as it is) but that doesn't make her love for Five false, and Five loving and having a relationship with her doesn't make him a bad brother either. That's why I emphasized that TUA is a series with complex relationships. Why do you get upset and surprised when another relationship between complicated characters is built due to the tragedies of the script?

If this didn't cause outrage before, could it cause because, this time, when things get complicated, the plot resource used questions the standard romantic drama format expected by the system?

𝐍𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐭? 𝐎𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫?

I guess one of the main arguments I saw was that their relationship didn't make any sense and that their scenes were extremely out of character, but I don't think it could be sustained when they both are characters who go through a lot that makes them change, alone or together. What they're claiming being out of character may simply be character development under non-ideal circumstances.

It seems like there's an strong resistance to open their minds while watching and realize that love isn't something that can only happen once and/or once at a time and under ideal situations. Diego and Lila's marriage crisis, Five and Lila developing ther friendship inbetween work cumplicity, Five looking more lost and tired in his decisions than before, the fact that it is the second time he has been trapped in space-time — which is a big trauma for him, since, from the first season (in the first apocalypse) we have been shown that, despite being introverted, arrogant and reserved, it is precisely "relating" that serves as a point of refuge for Five not to go crazy, lowering his guard and being kind...

All of this constructs very well their psychological coherency. "He wouldn't treat her like that during season 2 or 3!", "Lila would never be a domestic mother/ Five wouldn't work do CIA!". Well, we're talking about them now, not there.

One of the plot decisions to start this season was that the characters were living between what they kind-of-desired, but things still weren't fine, they still weren't getting what they wanted.

Five being free from the world-ending, but stll not being able to relax and live a simple retired life as he wanted. Klaus being sober and free of the ghosts, but insecure and anxious. Allison having Claire and Ray, but still unable to live a happy marriage and career. Viktor having his place working with something that makes him comfortable, but still unable to find love. Diego and Lila having a family and marriage and still unable to feel happy because the domestic work dynamic wasn't working...

Adulthood. Real life. None of those situations were out of character, as much as none of the psychological changes they suffered were too.

𝐀 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦

Since I don't really see the point on why would all of the happenings between them three could be claimed as "nonsense", even less "unasked" or "unnecessary" — because it's a work of fiction and, even if it may not be what the public wants to watch, it is not something that needs to prove its usefulness, just as events (that tie together well, because coherency matters) do not need to prove their necessity in art —, so it makes me even more sad that clearly mostly of the reactions are based on conservative views of marriage.

I know this season is not perfect, and it had a lot of defects, so I'm not saying the arc is perfect. As all the other arcs, it happened in a hurry, making us the public less abl to feel the 7 years of development. Complaining about how the arc was executed is perfectly fine, actually: after all, we know that 4 episodes were cut from the original script, as were many recorded scenes (including a big part of the subway plotline).

AIDAN: "There's a lot of the relationship with Lila that we filmes but they cut it. It took weeks to film it and they used a few minutes in a montage. That wasn't right. It also made very hard for the viewers to believe when we spent weeks filming scenes to set up that scenario."

But when I bring the conservatism theme (misoginy and remnants/consequences of the monogamous religious structure), it's because, even if we have lots of other of worse defects on other parts of the season, the biggest public overreacting opinions have been undoubtly about Five and Lila.

Anyone who spends more than 2 minutes in the comments on Twitter, Tiktok or even here knows that most of the time people've been sad and angry treating them both as if they were turned into cheaters with no morals (Five as a new kind of scroundrel asshole, Lila as some kind of ungrateful whore and I've even seen people problematizing their enemies phase, or the age difference as if one of then, or even the director, were predators, which is pure nonsense) and I can't even express how it makes me deeply melancholic.

I can't see how reacting as if the situations they were put in and their actions toward it in the scripts were absurd, terrible and dumb can't be just conservative, because they were actually very well tied script decisions, used in a bold way. With an interesting and well written enemies to frenemies to friends to lovers trope, they managed to write something fun and that developed both of the characters in their early-season-conflicts-arising-from-other-seasons.

𝐒𝐨? 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧, 𝐂𝐞𝐂𝐞?

I truly just... Can't understand how some people ended up having collectively such insensitive opinions about the relationship of two characters who were so... vulnerable.

Non-ironically I even saw a lot of people defending they would prefer Five to end up with a “real life Dolores” plotline (since the author felt the need of a romance) than with Lila, or that he shouldn't ever fall in love with anyone else than Dolores. It sounds so... Insane. I can't see how someone can have any kind of shipping-affection for his "sick" relationship with Dolores. It was, for me, a completely heartbroken arc.

While watching this new season, actually, it made me almost warmly happy, as a Five fan, to see him having someone to take care of him in hard times like that. Last time he didn't have it. They loved each other, they constructed this love and even if it was constructed under a refuge, extremely vulnerable situation, as much as even if it was constructed over a hopeless and trust-breaking decision towards their loved Diego, it doesn't make it less real and beautiful.

They aren't bad people. They aren't cheaters. They were desperate.

I'm happy they found love in each other. They were victims but managed to construct a beautiful relationship to survive and it doesn't make them love less Diego, as a brother or as a lover.

Of course it breaks completely my heart that Diego and Five died without making peace, but while watching not even for a moment I considered that they stopped loving each other. They're brothers, they've went through a lot.

They were doing so fine getting along together since they came back from the apocalypse.... There's no way it would "destroy" and "erase" (terms used by some fans) all the progress that's been made... I think it would be a very shallow interpretation of their relationship and a very futile interpretation of the events. Some of the public is seeing the situation as if Five slept with his wife since the beginning, not as if he had felt in love with her in a very apocaliptical and hopeless situation.

It's essential to remember that nothing said romantic happened for six years. It turned this way only after they having practically given up hope of returning home, so exhausted they were.

I really don't think that such a desperate and lonely situation would erase all the love and dedication Diego have for Five (and Five has no reasons to stop feeling it for Diego too, obviously). Diego was totally the sweetest during this season, he did his best, but Five did too... Now they fought but it doesn't mean their relationship would be forever broken. They were both stressed out, of course, it was a sensitive situation. But, i don't think it would... However with an apocalypse going on, they just didn't have enough time.

Diego was clearly open to understand Lila better, so I really doubt he wouldn't try to do the same with Five. But, again, they were both heart broken, hot headed and with no time. It's sad and it affect them, but "destroy and erase" are very heavy terms and inconsistent with the context of their relationships.

I don't know. I don't know how to conclude this analysis. I just… Am sorry. I honestly feel lucky to have been able to experience Diego, Lila and Five, but I'm so sorry that I couldn't see these three hearts find peace in their complicated loves, even during their final moments. These are three very beautiful love relationships that grew up tangled up and that, unfortunately, couldn't unfold in time to hurt less their lovers.

It felt wonderful and desolate. I hope more people can feel it like i did.

[jiraisupportgroup]

˗ˋˏ ♡ Jirai Kei Survey Results ♡ ˎˊ˗

(NOTE!! I re-opened it because I saw some people saying they were sad they didn’t respond!! It’s open again! You can take it here)

Hi hi!!! First of all, I'm so sorry that this took me like an entire month to make, and second of all thank you to everyone who participated in the survey I posted a while ago! It got 89 total responses which is awesome!! So many more than I was expecting, you guys are awesome ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

I've got a spreadsheet of all the answers given in October 2024 here if you want to go view them for yourself ^-^ (I have redacted pronouns and location for privacy sake)

I also went through and read everyone's answers and pulled some of the main points / focuses people had to make into little graphics for simplification and comparison's sake (This is a huge part of why it took so long because I didn't want to misrepresent anyone's points so I went person by person and considered all of their answers and overall vibe before pulling the main points just to make sure I wasn't accidentally changing or misunderstanding their points).

Please keep in mind: 89 people is NOT a large enough sample size to extrapolate this to the entirety of the Jirai Kei community - this is really just an exploration of the people who answered the survey - it does not represent the feelings of the community as a whole. This survey is derived from the western community as the survey is in English and was posted in primarily English-speaking areas.

Also just as a note I messed up when making the selections for the ages and put 18-21 and then 21-25 so people of the age of 21 could have picked either - this isn't ideal but since I messed it up in the original choice options I'm keeping it listed as that because I think changing 21-25 to 22-25 would be disingenuous.

I'm going to go question by question and kind of break it down if you're interested! I'm also going to try and remain mostly neutral and not really put my personal opinions in here. My main goal is to kind of break down what was said in the survey.

Demographics:

It's a pretty good mix of people. Also, hi!!! So many of you are from so far away!!!! That was really exciting to see. To be honest, it was super cool to see how this community encompasses people from all over the world!!! (Also, as a note here, there was one person who answered the survey who was over 40. I included their answers in the 26-30 range just for simplicity sake.)

I also did not make a graphic for the pronouns: primarily she / her, followed by they / them or any / all, followed by he / him or he / they pronouns just in case you were curious. I also took the pronouns out of the original answers document since I know quite a few people use neo-pronouns which are quite unique and I didn't want anyone to see those and connect that person to their answers, I wanted it to remain as anonymous as possible. I redacted the locations for the same reason.

I did not make a graphic for the languages either but those are included in the original answers spreadsheet that I have linked above. Many people speak Japanese, Russian, German, Spanish, and French. Those were the main answers besides English.

I don't have too much to say about the social medias to be honest. Discord, Youtube, and Twitch are likely under-represented in this since they were write-ins and not part of the general selection.

How did you first hear about Jirai Kei?

I don't have a graphic for this one either. It looks like most people learned about it because they already had an interest in j-fashion. A decent number of people mentioned Needy Streamer Overload. Lots of people came from Pinterest, Instagram, TikTok, and Tumblr. Many people also said they were into Menhera and came from there.

How would you describe Jirai Kei to someone who hasn't heard of it before?

Again, no graphic for this one - highly reccommend to go read some of the answers on the linked sheet above. It was pretty split between people talking about the aesthetics & fashion vs people talking about the mental health community. A lot of people mentioned that if they were talking to someone they didn't know very well or who didn't have any knowledge of j-fashion they would say it's a style and move on, while if they were talking to a friend or someone who did know a little more about j-fashion they would talk more about the mental health aspects and history of the subculture.

A few quotes (I'm trying to get a good mixture of opinions in here, please note these are mostly smaller parts of larger answers - this goes for all the quotes added in this post): ♡ "Usually it's easier for me to just send the wikipedia link to people though honestly" ♡ "a subculture of mostly young women with mental illness who share certain interests in jfashion etc..." ♡ "...a lot of ppl often tell me it just sounds like the jp version of emo." ♡ "A subculture for mentally ill people who can’t, won’t, or don’t want to recover" ♡ "depending on my knowledge on their opinions on mental health, i'd either go with a basic explanation of the fashion if they dont seem like the type to be sympathetic of ppl with mental health issues, but if they seem like the sympathetic type, i'd go more into detail of the origins and lifestyle associated with the subculture." ♡ "Being cute despite your mental illness! Also a bit of consumerism and idol worship..." ♡ "It's mainly a stereotype" ♡ "I would recommend watching cybr.grls video on jirai kei " ♡ "It’s an alternative japanese fashion style with frilly, lacey, and dark garments! The main colors it will be are very muted pinks, blacks, grays, whites, or even reds or purples (albeit rare)" ♡ "Jirai Kei is the term used to describe the fashion style related to Jirais / Landmines , which was a derogatory term used to describe mentally ill girls who had an “explosive” personality , wearing cute clothing to distract / hide men from their personality. It usually consists of frills , ribbons and lace , blouses and skirts , with a colour palette of black and muted colour varients like pink and blue , and white. "

To your understanding where does Jirai Kei come from? What's it's history?

Again, no graphic for this one (T-T these are just too complex for me to comfortably break down into bite-size pieces). Most people talked about the Toyoko kids, a bit less talked about host / hostess clubs, and quite a few vague nods to Kabukicho in general. About a fifth of the people just talked about overall mental health in Japan. Interesting mixture of answers - different people seem to latch on to different parts of the origins, which is likely based on what they relate with the most. I was surprised that only a few people mentioned the "Jirai Kei" makeup trend of 2019/2020 - I honestly thought that would be talked about a little bit more ngl. Interesting read for sure.

A few quotes: ♡ "jirai kei became seen as clothes worn by dangerous or unstable women, hence the trend " ♡ "the history between jirai kei && the toyoko kids sometimes get mixed together because of their resemblances , but it's important to note the two are different . jirai kei define an instable person who will explode at some point like a bomb , but you don't know when ( landmine ) . initially , it was mostly used to refer to girls who threaten their boyfriend to kill him or themselves if the boy left them . since jirais are disordered or mentally ill , they often engage in unhealthy behaviours . the toyoko kids on the other hand are teens who ran away from home to live in the streets instead . most of them suffered from abuse && causally have disorders or illnesses . this is where the two subcultures came together to form one : the jirai kei we know now..." ♡ " The clothing style that is most typically seen on social media stems from the fact that these clothes where cute but cheap to come by. " ♡ "Jirai kei as a term originated from misogynistic men calling mentally ill women “explosive.” The style came from poor (unfortunately, often sex workers) youth in Japan. It how we’ve became popularized and somewhat mainstream there after a while." ♡ "then in 2020 people started dressing up in stereotypical "toyoko kid/jirai woman style" to make fun of them before brands saw how popular this trend became and decided to start selling clothes based off this idea. the original style is known as dark girly kei which uses elements from both dark girly and girly kei the latter being a style that was popular with 2010s gyaru and evolved to incorporate french girly and dark girly motifs making it what it is today. other styles such as subcul and suna kei are also extremely popular with jirai to the point of being synonymous with the style." ♡ "...Thus, the fashion style was associate with "Jirai Onna" and became "Jirai Kei". The fashion style extended beyond Kabukicho and many girls and women wear the style in Japan due to the kawaii look and the popularity of the style within many fashion brands. Another demographic that has popularised Jirai Kei is idol fangirls who wore girly kei and jirai kei fashion. The style was also given the term "ryousangata" meaning "mass produced" an insult basically calling the girls who wear the style "basic"."

What do you think differentiates Jirai Kei from other subcultures?

Okay since this is the first type of this graphic we're seeing let me explain what you're looking at. I took key points or words and quantified how many people mentioned it as a larger part of their explanation. There were a LOT of other things mentioned these were just the ones that came up repeatedly.

Many people were confused by this question and said there are too many differences to even describe, which is completely fair. There were two main types of answers to this question. The first is that fashion is what makes it different because it's a fashion-based subculture or if not fashion-based, fashion is a big part of it. The other is that it's a community based around mental health primarily unlike other subcultures which are based on fashion or music. A lot of people who mentioned this went on to say that the thing that differentiates it from Menhera specifically (because menhera is also based in mental and physical health) was the idea that Menhera is very recovery, resource, and awareness focused, while Jirai Kei isn't focused on those things at all and is more so just people looking for a sense of community.

A few quotes: ���♡ "menhera is art and advocacy focused, jirai is community focused. menhera also is more recovery focused often, whereas jirai places no emphasis on that at all" ‪♡ "Dawg idk how to tell you this… there’s too many examples and they’re all so different" ♡ "For starters, its background story, the clothing doesn't look the same either.... Jirai culture is not really focused on getting better mentally, much on the contrary... being mentally ill is praised, spending an insane amount of money on clothes you don't exactly need is praised...." ‪♡ "I’ve seen jp jirais say that jirai kei is whatever a jirai girl chooses to wear, it can literally be anything. However, at the moment it visually is a combination of menhera and dark girly kei. Because it’s new though, it’s already having subsets form and change that." ♡ "i think jirai is unique in its rejection of the “just get better” culture a lot of places have. Most people think of inability or unwillingness to improve a moral failing. " ‪♡ "Jirai Kei has a distinct history and recognisable style" ♡ "menhera is about finding a community that wishes to accept you and want to encourage you to get better jirai kei is not about wanting to get better thats a very important distinction" ♡ " - idk how to explain??? It’s like asking what differenciates gyaru and goth lol" ♡ "the subcul is definitely viewed in an extremely negative way compared to other subculs, even menhera. I also think that other subculs like Emo, Anime, and Idol culture revolve a lot around the fashion aspect. While jirai is best known for the Dark Girly fashion, i think that jirai in itself, as mentioned before, is more about the lifestyle that we life, our mental health, and the struggles we go through either on purpose or not" ‪♡ "for many i'd say the fashion is what differenciates them. while they can overlap with common traits under the other subcultures, it's still quite different." ♡ "i do believe that the associated fashions (again, not just dark girly, but also tenshi kaiwai, subcul, etc.) are necessary to set a landmine apart from these cultures. the fashions is a huge part of the subculture and sets it apart from these other mental-health based subcultures. that is why i personally believe that a landmine must at least wear the associated fashions OCCASIONALLY to be considered part of the subculture."

What kind of Jirai Kei content do you engage with the most?

This one again, no graphic. Top answer was outfit / coord posts (82%), second most common was vent posts (67.4%), third was dark humour (58.2%)

Are you interested in the fashions associated with Jirai Kei? Which ones?

Again, not too much to say overall about this.

One thing to note is that some of these answers could technically be lumped in with other ones, like "all of them" could be counted towards Dark Girly Kei, Girly Kei, Tenshi Kaiwai, etc but I kept it separate. Same with "Jirai IS the fashion" which could be lumped into Dark Girly Kei but again I kept it separate unless they mentioned it in their answer.

The one that isn't like that is "No Interest" because if someone was of the mind that the fashion is called Jirai Kei and said they weren't interested in the other fashions they're in the "Jirai IS the fashion" count, while the people in the "No Interest" count were of the idea that the name of the fashion is not Jirai Kei and is rather Dark Girly Kei so they have their own count.

What role do you think the asssociated fashions play in Jirai Kei? Do you need to wear them to be considered "Jirai" or part of the community?

Again, this has been vastly simplified but I tried really hard not to misunderstand or misrepresent anyone's points. The categories names are a bit strange so let me explain what I mean by them:

‪♡ "No, it's a lifestyle" - This person believes that you do not have to wear the associated fashions to be part of the Jirai Kei community because it is first and foremost a subculture based around mental health and finding people who relate to you that you can talk to about these things. They also tend to believe "Jirai Kei" is the not proper name for the fashion, and that to be part of the Jirai Kei community you must be either mentally ill or at least open and understanding about mental illness. ‪♡ "No, it's both a lifestyle and a fashion" - This person believes that you do not have to wear the associated fashions to be part of the Jirai Kei community. They tend to believe that Jirai Kei is both a lifestyle and a fashion, and you can participate in either the overarching mental health community based around Jirai Kei or the fashion side of things and be accepted either way. This kind of answer tended to imply that both the people looking for a mental health-related safe space and people who just like the fashion are welcome. ‪♡ "Yes, it's both a lifestyle and a fashion" - This person believes you do have to wear the associated fashions to be part of the Jirai Kei community. They tend to believe that Jirai Kei is the proper title for both the mental health subculture and the overarching fashion and you have to participate in both to be considered part of the Jirai Kei community. ‪♡ "Yes, it's a fashion" - This person believes Jirai Kei is a fashion style, if you wear it, you are welcome in the Jirai Kei community.

A few quotes: ‪♡ "the fashion has almost taken over the community, and overshadows its origins." ‪♡ "I don‘t think the Fashion is the central aspect, but it brings people in. It’s historically speaking a part of Jirai Kei, but not the most inportant thing. You can be Jirai and not dress like it." ‪♡ "Yes to be considered Jirai one should wear the clothing of the subculture they are trying to claim. I don’t think you have to branch out into any jirai substyles though if it’s not your vibe." ‪♡ "No if you're a lifestyle jirai, yes if you're a fashion jirai. If you're a lifestyle jirai I think just wanting to be jirai is enough" ‪♡ "i definitely do think that people who dont wear the fashion can be considered jirai, as thats how the word originally got its meaning, though nowadays its definitely more recognized as a fashion style." ‪♡ "It's just a part of the stereotype because a lot of us happen to wear it not because we need to." ‪♡ "it’s such an enormous part of the subculture that leaving out the fashion aspect makes your “landmineness” indistinguishable from a thousand other subcultures." ‪♡ "i think the fashion gave way to helping people who are mentally unwell or don’t feel good find and outlet to feel better, wether it be makeup, or the clothes for me it makes me feel pretty and distracts from the fact i’m depressed. i think just wearing “jirai” as a fashion or style doesn’t necessarily mean you are unwell though, you can participate and be okay in the head lmao, and ofc be in the community. i think the problem lies within the title of jirai. " ‪♡ "i don't think you necessarily NEED to wear them to be jirai, but i think that an interest in them is pretty important because the fashion and aesthetics are closely intertwined with the subculture " ‪♡ "I actually think the biggest thing to a Jirai look is Jirai makeup. I think as long as you have that, then you are Jirai enough. " ‪♡ "While I don't think you have to wear the fashion to be jirai, the fashion does play a big part in the subculture and people need to acknowledge that. " ‪♡ "to an extent, yes you do, but it's more important just to have an interest in them. nobody needs to wear them 24/7 and if you can't afford clothes then it is what it is, but you can't really call yourself jirai if you have no interest in one of the main aspects of the subculture (the aesthetics)" ‪♡ "nah, as long as u wear alternative fashion and know ur shit and participate in the culture ur fine."

Can non-Japanese people be "Jirai"? Why or why not?

Most people said yes (which is kind of to be expected since this is in English and most of the people who answered are not Japanese so I will note this is biased), but a lot of people brought up different points.

Some of the "yes" pool are people who believe Jirai Kei is just a fashion and brought that up as their point. Some of the "yes" pool are people who are more into the mental health side of things and talked about how people in different countries still experience mental struggles and that's something everyone can relate to in their own way.

The "Yes but it's different" pool is mostly comprised of people talking about the mental health aspects of the community and mentioning that although foreigners can be part of the Jirai Kei community, it is important to understand that the things that many Japanese "Jirai"s go through are things that we will not experience due to the differences in our mental health care resources / infrastructure and the infrastructure of the Japanese sex-work industry. Essentially, we can go through really similar things but the overall cultures make it quite different.

Some Quotes: ‪♡ "yes, especially when a trend originally comes from sex work in which non-japanese people living in japan are overrepresented." ‪♡ "Yes, I’ve seen from the pov’s of Japanese landmines and they are open to it because we’re all supposed to be there for each other because nobody else is" ♡ ‪"Yeah, I think they can be, BUT they shouldn't go around acting like they are the template for what a landmine is, or demanding changes to the culture, just because they wear the fashion and/or are mentally ill. It's roots lie in Japan, so the "originals" are still Japanese Jirais" ‪♡ "of course they can ! never did the term refer to exclusively japanese people . even when the initial term " merged " with the toyoko kids , it didn't make it an exclusively japanese term . as long as you fit the " criterias " , you can be a jirai if you choose to label yourself as one ! ♡" ‪♡ "Nowadays I'd like to consider it a fashion style and fashion styles travel all around the world as long as u don't claim to be japanese cause you are wearing jirai you are good. You should also respect and learn the story of the style before u decide to wear it since it's more troubling than other styles." ‪♡ "Very unlikely. There are many factors that would eliminate most people to be "true Jirai kei" ie. experiencing homelessness as well as involved with sex work and host club addiction. Emily from the suburbs who lives with her family and has depression could not be Jirai kei but can partake in the cool fashion. Calling themselves Jirai would not be up to par with the real meaning of it." ‪♡ "Yes. The Japanese jirais don’t seem to disagree so I’m not sure why I would." ‪♡ "yes of course, its important to say that non japanese people often have different issues as japanese people but that doesnt make them less valid meaning they can still use the style as representation of their own issues" ‪♡ "yes and no. if you disregard the fashion and makeup or frame jirai kei as a "menhera" community when its not then you dont really deserve to call yourself a jirai onna. acknowledging that your generally live a better life because of your privilege of being outside of japan. though i can understand calling yourself a jirai onna if you suffer extremely similar problems to that of toyoko kids especially if you suffer from BPD." ‪♡ "Ofc it's clothes" ‪♡ "Yes, of course! Jirai kei is for anyone and I don't see a reason why people can't participate/ want to gatekeep it. I just think it's important to learn about the history and not be a jerk to those who participate in only the lifestyle or only the fashion part."

What does "Jirai Kei" mean to you personally? Why do you associate with the subculture?

I chose to make a word map for this to kind of point towards some of the most repeated words throughout the answers. A lot of these answers are very sad to read (just a heads up before you start going through them), but that is kind of to be expected. Most people mention mental illness and personal struggles with things like EDs, SH, alcoholism, other unhealthy coping mechanisms, or relationship issues. The thing that really stood out to me was that a majority of the people who are of the idea that "Jirai Kei" is the name of the fashion still brought up how the community feels comforting to them because they struggle with mental illnesses and relationship issues. Very few people just said "I like the clothes", most people also mentioned mental struggles in their answers.

I think that's an important thing to note. It really highlights the fact that you never know what someone is going through behind the screen. You only know what they choose to post, and many people choose to post cute outfit photos and things of that nature, but they still can be hurting behind all of that.

A few quotes: ‪♡ "it’s comforting to identify as one and feel like there’s a subculture out there of people who feel similarly to me. everyone connects with the label in different ways" "I like being able to relate with people and have somewhere to post my vents and get things off my chest without judgment" ‪♡ " i was paranoid for not being mentally ill enough for the community, i was absolutely terrified of making jirais mad at me and being rejected. to this day i am terrified of the day when they decide i did not suffer enough to be a jirai. but such a thought is twisted in and of itself, right?" ‪♡ " I love dressing up as fashion is a major coping mechanism for me and I feel delighted at being able to express myself through clothes: it is an art form. Dressing in the subculture's fashions has allowed me to express myself and come to terms with my experiences and who they made me today." ‪♡ "Funny enough my mom calls me a jirai girl (in a derogatory way since she has a typical older japanese person mindset) but i don't mind saying that i am one without shame. especially because i don't believe that my mental illness is something that should be stigmatized and judged. calling myself jirai feels liberating in a way..." ‪♡ "I feel like because I cannot wear the style (not enough money + sizing is difficult) I cannot call myself Jirai kei but I notice others who don’t wear the style call themselves Jirai, which is comforting. I’ve always struggled with mental health for most of my life and I’ve always loved Jfashion subcultures, so obviously I was drawn to Jirai." ‪♡ " i do think people who just wear dark girly kei should be careful when using the term jirai kei if they aren't in the subculture though. i see people say they're jirai and then mock the mentally ill people like?? you aren't jirai you WEAR jirai kei 💀💀 there is a difference!!" ‪♡ "i am also transgender - my girlhood is very important and nostalgic to me but it is also inseparable from dysphoria and sickness, and i think dark girly/jirai fashion helps me to express that." ‪♡ "I found I appreciated the relaxed attitude towards mental health struggles, nightlife activities and a visual indicator that someone might be a little “dangerous” or someone that likes to party." ‪♡ "when I first started, "I want to become cute!" was a big theme I was seeing. I can be cute even though I'm ugly and have bad mental health and it's ok. the style of the clothes is the biggest appeal." ‪♡ "I honeslty really only associate myself with the fashion aspect of it, since it’s something I really love. So instead of calling myself “Jirai”, I like to say I “dress in Jirai” instead." ‪♡ "To me, it's just the clothes. I don't call myself Jirai by itself because it's insulting"

What would you say the pre-requisites to being part of the Jirai Kei community are?

40% of people mentioned mental illness or struggles as a main part of the subculture. There were different approaches to the way that they mentioned it though. Some people were saying "you should be mentally ill since 'Jirai' is an insult used against mentally ill people and the explosive nature is part of the subculture" and others were saying "If you are mentally healthy you should stay away from Jirai Kei to protect yourself because you're going to see triggering things".

Many people said you don't have to be mentally ill to be part of the community, but you should understand that you are going to be interacting with people who are mentally ill and not bully people for venting. Some people said you have to be mentally ill and not wanting or willing to recover to be part of the community (although this was only 3% of people).

On the other hand, about 16% of people said that the only thing you need to do to be part of the community is wear the clothing.

People who mentioned both mental illness and clothing in their answers were divided into 4 different categories: ‪♡ "Mental illness" - they mention the fashion but state is it not a requirement for the community ‪♡ "Wear the fashion" - they may or may not mention mental illness, but do not think it is a requirement for the community ‪♡ "Wear the clothes AND be mentally ill" - they mention both and think both are required for the community ‪♡ "Wear the clothes OR be mentally ill" - they mention both and think you can either participate in the fashion side of things or the mental health side of things, but you don't have to participate in both.

Many people also mentioned doing the makeup as a big part of it. Some of the people who mentioned makeup as a requirement said that even if you don't wear the clothes as long as you do the makeup you're good.

A lot of people also said if you like the clothes or the community or whatever you're all good, so long as you don't bully anyone. Their general vibe was that anyone is welcome to hang out so long as they aren't mean to others. (Many people counted in the "don't be mean to 'fashion' onlys are also counted in the "don't be mean to 'lifestyle' onlys category as well. And as a note a lot of them didn't use those terms specifically I just used them to shorten "people who only wear the clothing" and "people who only participate in the mental health community" because those are looooooooong titles)

There isn't an overarching general consensus. It is very split and debated. (Which we all know). A lot of people were very passionate about their definitions though, which is to be expected. Mental health is a very touchy and personal topic for a lot of people, so people on both sides have really passionate emotions about it.

A few quotes: ‪♡ "i think people who are mentally healthy should stay away from the community; both so they don’t judge those whose thoughts they don’t understand but also for their own protection and comfort. the topics talked about in jirai spaces are triggering and disturbing. i don’t blame, nor judge jirais forthe abusive behavior neurotypicals could accuse them of — it is often not their fault and a mentally healthy person could easily harm a jirai as well. i think such interactions would end up with mutual suffering on each side." ‪♡ " to call yourself a jirai you need to wear the makeup, the clothes, and suffer from some sort of mental illness especially if your livelihood is often threatened by the fact you have these conditions. and its OKAY to not cal yourself a jirai its NOT A GOOD THING to want to be a jirai mentally ill people who call themselves jirai onna are mentally ill and just find comfort in some form by the title." ‪♡ ". i do feel like these are two separate communities with some overlap, especially with the recent western discourse. i don't like these terms as i feel they are a bit harsh but there is a difference between "fashion only jirai" and "lifestyle jirai". of course anyone can appreciate cool clothes but the landmine side of the community deserves a safe space to talk about their issues and relate to each ‪other without uneducated jirai kei wearers bashing them" ‪♡ "i wouldnt say you necessarily have to be struggling mentally to be considered jirai kei, but i dont personally like the way some fashion only jirais negatively talk about the more lifestyle jirais at times. i also however dont think lifestyle jirais should be actively trying to call people out for being a fashion only jirai. it could end up being quite harmful, as you never really know what people are going through." ‪♡ "You may have a mental illness such as BPD which directly links to the “Explosive Landmine” personality. Otherwise it’s fine to just call yourself a Fashion Landmine and only wear Jirai Kei without “being Jirai”." ‪♡ "It really depends on if someone likes the fashion only, identifies as a jirai (landmine person), or both. Someone who likes the fashion may just say they dress in jirai kei clothes. Also, just because someone identifies themselves as a stereotypical jirai and calls themselves just landmine doesn't always mean they wear the fashion either; although it's more common for someone to do both and straight-up call themselves jirai." ‪♡ "being mentally ill (and i mean... cmon a little more than just depression and anxiety because like all of gen z struggles with that((this isn't the mental illness olympics but this is meant to be a safe space for people struggling with more severe illnesses))) and owning like a few coords that isn't that one DML coord that everyone has and wearing the damn makeup" ‪♡ "I think just respecting the community. You don't have to be "mentally ill enough" to join but you do need to respect people no matter their problems and coping mechanisms." ‪♡ "Hot take but if you’re not a Jirai in Japan you’re not a true Jirai and I don’t mean the fashion I’m talking about life choices . You can wear the fashion without having to call yourself a landmine" ‪♡ "there's no requirement, anyone can wear the fashion. it's just clothes."

Do you feel like there is a difference between "Jirai Kei" and "Landmine Kei"?

Most people said no, which is the kind of idea that I had but I wanted to ask because I have seen people use them in different ways. Most of the people who said yes said that in English-speaking circles Landmine is used more to talk about the mental health aspects of things while Jirai is used more when talking about the fashion or overall community. Which I think is interesting. It seems to me that separating Landmine and Jirai is another way that people try to separate the clothing from the mental health community like the distinction people make between Jirai Kei and Dark Girly Kei fashions. (Anything else I have to say here would go into my own opinions so I'm going to leave it at that - it's an interesting thing to think about).

A few quotes: ♡ "i believe there is a difference between simply wearing jirai kei and being a landmine. people in the english speaking community generally use landmine kei to describe the mentally ill side of the community even though jirai literally means landmine. i only see landmine kei used in context of like the fashion mine vs lifestyle mine debate." ♡ "From my experience, I have seen many English speakers misinterpret the term 'Jirai Kei' and water it down to fashion but, of course, that shouldn't represent all of the English-speakers partaking in the discussion." ♡ "Anywho considering Jirai is a direct translation to Landmine, I don’t see how they could be any different." ♡ "I think Landmine Kei is more dressing up as the stereotype and Jirai Kei is the lifestyle that predates the stereotype." ♡ "I feel like calling it landmine kei does alert people more to the mental health side of the subculture"

What is your favourite part of the Jirai Kei Subculture?

This was a combined question "What is your favourite and least-favourite part of the subculture" and most people skipped the favourites part and started just talking about what they hate which did make me a little bit sad. I really liked reading about what people liked in the community.

Most people said the fashion was their favourite part. Both people who said that Jirai Kei is a mental health-based community and people who said Jirai Kei is a fashion-based community brought up fashion as a favourite part of theirs.

"Community" is a very vague thing - in this context, it mostly means they were talking about how they share a lot in common with people in the community whether that be fashion, idols, music, aesthetics, mental health, etc. However, most of the people who mentioned mental health as a main part of why they love the community are counted in "Safe Space" instead.

A few quotes: ♡ "I have dealt with a ton of ableism and med shaming before irl and in other places online, but never in the jirai community. So it makes me happy that I can vent without people treating me like I'm "crazy" or trying to force dramatic changes onto me." ♡ "I love the clothes so much of course so the aesthetic of the fashion is my favorite." ♡ "The clothes of course, I really loved visiting the clothes shops in Japan. People in Japan are really nice about my clothing and often compliment me when I wear Jirai Kei, plus all of the shopgirls are really kind." ♡ "my fav part is the super cute clothes and how u can meet so many other ppl who not only have the same fashion style, but also similiar/same issues/experiences as you, so you can share pretty much anything with no judging at all!!! ^_^" ♡ "I like having a place where I can be open about the reality of my mental illnesses without being bombarded with “solutions”." ♡ "i love wearing cute outfits, seeing other people's codes and seeing other landmines experiences ." ♡ "the fact that people actually understand how i think / feel most of the time , and that i won't get weird looks / i won't be judged for things" ♡ "Most favourite: people identifying each other and bonding over shared experiences (and of course, the fashion)" ♡ "I love the community as a space for people on all lines of recovery to come together and exist without judgement" ♡ "My favorite part of the subculture is blogs, the fact that the people in the community get to share their thoughts & be related to & validated makes me really happy" ♡ "I love how empowering Jirai Kei makes me feel."

What is your least favourite part of the Jirai Kei subculture?

NOTE BECAUSE SOME OF THEM GOT CUT OFF: ‪♡ "People who say you have to be..." is "People who say you have to be mentally ill" ‪♡ "People who use mental illness as an..." is "people who use mental illness as an excuse to be mean" ‪♡ "People who say you have to buy" is "people who say you have to buy certain brands"

The top answer was fashion Jirais. This is a combination of people who specifically said the term "Fashion Jirai" and people who said things like "people who only wear the clothes" or "people who think the community is just cute clothes and ignore the mental illness aspect of it". I combined those into the same count.

"Anti-recovery" as a category is more than just people talking about how recovery isn't front and centre like Menhera, or people talking about venting - it is specifically people who talked about people who say you cannot be in recovery if you are part of the Jirai Kei community.

"Glamorization of Sh/Ed" also is more than just people talking about posts that talk about those things, it is people who specifically said it is over-romanticized / glamourized. And as a note this is different from "lifestyle Jirais" since that category includes people that are just talking about vent posts or mention "lifestyle jirai"s by name.

"Lifestyle Jirais" and "People who don't wear the clothes" are also two different categories, lifestyle jirais is either people who said that by name or were talking about people who vent or think the community is mental-health based, and "people who don't wear the clothes" is just that, it's the people who specifically called that out.

I don't have too much to add here since I can't really add anything here without stating my personal opinions which isn't what I'm trying to do right now. I did find it comforting that most other people are sick of the discourse, and it's both people who think Jirai Kei is fashion-based and people who think Jirai Kei is mental health-based that were saying this.

A few quotes: ♡ "But there are legit people on here who act like you're 'fake' if you aren't attempting suicide every hour or something lmao" ♡ "i'm sick of sharing my safe space with people who think it's just a pink blouse and some short skirts and a bow." ♡ "putting a label on jirai that you have to act a certain way seems wrong. some rules and bashing on other girls wanting to wear the fashion is very wrong too." ♡ "i’m simply utterly terrified of rejection." ♡ "My least favorite would probably have to be those who promote self harm or say you have to engage in some sort of dangerous stuff to be a part of the subculture. While many of us do struggle with these things, it's super unnecessary to push people (mostly the fashion only jirai keis) to harm themselves." ♡ "least fav is that there are a lot of gatekeepers who want you to prove that you're actually mentally ill or they turn it into a competition of who's suffering the most. I also don't like how many jirai are anti recovery if someone chooses to recover (not forced, but their own choice). and I don't like that there are some really young kids in the community, like 13 and under" ♡ "I hate the people who slap a random pink shirt on and a black mini skirt and call it jirai because it’s not. Jirai is so much more than pink and black." ♡ "least fav is probably the fact how some ppl will say the most vile shit ever and use the fact that theyre a jirai as an excuse (it can always be a reason for said behavior, but never an excuse!! 😭😭)" ♡ "fashion "jirais". i don't like discourse at all , but i really wish people would understand the whole point of jirai kei before calling themselves a landmine :(" ♡ "the least, however, are the people who say you "dont need to be mentally ill to call yourself jirai" which is just ridiculous" ♡ "I don't like the narrative that we have to buy from the original designer or it's not Jirai, that's just buying into what the fashion industry wants you to think. A fashion is a style, not a designer brand. Quite frankly I just don't like being limited to certain brands." ♡ "Constant discourse (assuming that people can't resonate with the subcul just because they're not as vocal about their experiences as the others PLUS the bullying of actual people who struggle for venting when that is the core of this subcul)" ♡ "i wish it was more mature because many jirai people are in their early teens (12-14) and i feel the need to act as a role model in spaces that include minors, rather than speaking freely as i would normally among people closer to my age" ♡ "least favourite: weird gatekeeping (eg. "you can't wear jirai kei because you're not mentally ill""), shaming peoples looks and fatshaming in general" ♡ "My least favorite is the ones who say you have to be anti-recovery to be jirai. It's okay to be tired of hurting." ♡ "i detest the infighting, and the way that it's rapidly growing is kind of pissing me off because im more comfortable in smaller communities" ♡ "As for least favourite, glorification of ED and SH (I must note, glorification, not just the fact people discuss/have it in the community) as well as the fatphobia and such"

Overall very interesting read and very mixed responses, but also not actually as mixed as I thought they would be. Most people landed somewhere in the middle where they considered both fashion and mental health to be parts of the subculture and just had different levels of importance for those two things. Most people also did mention mental health being part of their reasoning for being here, whether they engage more in the fashion side of things or the mental health side of things.

If there are any clarifying questions about what the titles of things in these graphs really mean or why I chose to break things down in the way that I did I am more than happy to provide clarification to that! I'll try to respond to any comments like that as soon as I can. I won't be engaging in discourse or defending any points or anything (at least not here) - this is more about the answers to the survey and not my personal opinions so pls understand T-T.

If you read all that mess thank you! Took me a while to actually get all of this compiled. If you didn't thank you regardless! Especially if you responded in the survey to begin with ♡

Also if anyone is uncomfortable with their answer being posted in the answers document please contact me either on Tumblr @jiraisupportgroup or on Reddit @ Mara-melody (DMs should be open on both) with the details about which response was yours and I will delete it from the publicly available document! Thank you!!

[legally-allowed-to-slime]

been receiving asks in various degrees of seriousness (you guys are very nice) so i might as well elaborate on galaxy duo before any actual toxicity leaks in

first of all. i could care less if you love galaxy duo and think they’re fluffy and cute. there’s only so much objective interpretation you can draw from literal cubes, so at a certain point it’s just your biases forming your opinions, same way you can’t build a house with two bricks. personally, i found them interesting, my interest dipped slightly in the latter half of WL, but who knows? their dynamic could change if/when there’s a new season.

a disclaimer in advance: if it wasn’t already apparent by the asks (anyway the only people who will see this are people who were following me already but this is jic), i am a pearl main. i don’t watch scott because i don’t like the editing. therefore my takes are exceedingly biased but so is pearl, so there’s that.

let’s talk about their dynamic pre-WL. for LL, i’ll accept that they were a cute wholesome duo. i didn’t watch LL so i can’t really say anything, but from what i’ve heard they were your regular alliance. and then in DL. well. the Horrors. i’ve said a lot about DL already so we’re going to settle and say, pearl absolutely deserved to be mad at scott. abandoning her and not even considering a polycule was not very open minded of him

anyway throughout LiL and SL she’s still angry at him and wants to kill him, which again, i find fair because of the tilly death do us part sacrifice (i invite you to rethink the implications of that line paired with what he did next. essentially saying “we break up when one of us dies” and then killing yourself. ?).

and then add in the element of gem in SL. trust me she’s relevant. gem and pearl have a thing going on, scott doesn’t like it because he sees it as gem nearly leaving their alliance for his ex, but still, because gem is Gem, he holds back on giving her the jimmy/pearl/joel treatment and still tries to be nice to her.

WL begins. it’s a lot. gem doesn’t like pearl because she viewed it as a betrayal and also she finds it funny to play around with her like that. scott doesn’t like pearl. pearl doesn’t like scott.

this is where it starts to get contentious, but also a hill that i will die on: the Gs were absolutely toxic, at least for the first four episodes. i don’t really feel like pointing out all the clips of the pointed comments, the veiled insults, the DIRECT QUOTE of “we’re a family whether you like it or not”, so i’ll use two examples, one for scott, one for pearl.

pearl borderline sold her alliance out. mumbo and skizz came up to pearl, explicitly told her that they were trying to kill her allies, and she not only agreed but engaged in friendly conversation with them for the entirety of their hiding. when the rest of the Gs came back (even joel commented on how pearl was alone at the base), mumbo even helped pearl cover up.

this is not normal alliance behaviour, and definitely not normal pearl behaviour. if pearl was happy in the alliance she wouldn’t have practically invited two would-be murderers to kill her allies. neither is she unjustified with how scott and cleo dismissed her feelings from DL. look, pearl is one of the most loyal lifers, to the point she faced a messy breakup with gem. even to mumbo she was reluctant to trash talk scott or cleo, but still, she let them make the hole, because plain and simple, the alliance was toxic.

as for scott; scott was more friendly to gem than pearl. see, i told you she was relevant. this is less black-and-white than the mumbo and skizz trap, but in social terms it means a lot. it’s like your bestie siding with your ex instead of you, which if you think about it was exactly what was happening. scott spouts a lot about loyalty, but he thinks about it very plainly: loyalty is killing yourself for your ally. but in fact what he did was push the “antagoniser” narrative onto pearl and reinforce and encourage it. gem said an inch, he said a mile.

not to say gem wasn’t the one who created it in the first place, but as pearl’s ally, scott’s first reaction shouldn’t have been to side with gem (he admits to pearl that he doesn’t know what she did, but that based off gem’s reaction he just assumes that pearl did something wrong, despite KNOWING that gem has beef with pearl from SL and is thus an unreliable narrator). as pearl’s (and impulse’s, but to a lesser extent because impulse kind of deserved it for going on about the cows) ally, he shouldn’t have brought it up at the start of every session and result in pearl defending herself furiously before he dragged pearl and impulse to apologise to gem.

this is not up for debate. wl!pearl did nothing to gem, or to anyone. scott tried to convince her to apologise to gem, for nothing. again, even gem points this out to pearl, and because pearl is loyal to a fault, she says that scott’s her ally.

anyway. the Gs were toxic for at least the first four episodes, full stop.

here’s where it starts to derail slightly (for me, at least): the sacrifice. but, you know, let’s examine the circumstances a little closer. as background information, pearl was the only yellow/red whose allies didn’t try to get them a kill. like, the Gs’ approach to gaining lives is not to kill others but to spend one session doing nothing before the guy with the most lives offers to kill himself. strange. lots of issues, these two.

anyway, scott offers the sacrifice, and pearl’s initial reaction is to refuse. the alliance talks it through, and decides it would take the target off scott’s back and give pearl a life. pearl and scott have pretty similar playstyles, in that while they do engage in more rp than say, grian or jimmy, they are also, in a way, sweats. the sacrifice was discussed logically, practically, and it turned out to be a logical decision because without it pearl would’ve permadied a few sessions too early.

here’s where i was a little thrown off, by the presenting that this would be somehow cathartic (iirc, scott uses this exact word) because pearl finally gets to kill scott. it’s funny because pearl does admit while they’re going back to base that she would’ve preferred a 1v1, but i don’t think her deal was ever over that she wanted scott to die. sure, she wanted scott dead, but it was because she didn’t have agency in the dl finale. in the same way, the WL sacrifice isn’t exactly because she really wanted the life (she refused it at first), or because she wanted to kill scott so badly (she said she wanted a 1v1), but mainly because both parties recognised that it was the most sensible decision to do in the circumstances that they were in (scott was dark green, pearl needed a life). to me, it didn’t address pearl’s lack of control over the season that she won, or scott’s distrust of pearl.

but whatever. they act friendly for the rest of the season, because technically their story’s been resolved, so there’s no aggression to be acted out. nothing galaxy duo there.

the ONLY OTHER thing of note is the?? matching hoodie?? not on my bingo card at all. i’ve spoken about it in some ask before but it’s just so random to me? like it never went anywhere, and i don’t see why scott wanted to match red hoodies with her anyway. like why her, specifically? pearl hadn’t killed anyone besides martyn, and that was to avenge her allies. they never address this so i suppose this lack of logic is what spurs on the majormoon truthers; that scott loves pearl so much that he wants to match with her so they can be like a #dynamicduo or something.

uhhhhhhhh. i dunno. it’s just so random and again, because it’s never brought up besides pearl’s cursory “oh, we’re matching” (which we now know was planned because scott asked for permission when getting the skin), it doesn’t have any narrative significance to me. maybe scott explains it in his video. idk

anyway, my problem was how a duo with so much bad blood (>3 seasons), to the point that they were at each other’s throats while in the same alliance, was just kinda. rushed? look, i know the life series isn’t scripted, and the players just have to make do with whatever improv they can do, and i do think scott and pearl did the best with what they had, but personally i was hoping that they wouldn’t go the “pearl finally forgives scott! yay scott for sacrificing!” route because it’s pushed under the rug so suddenly in the hopes of achieving any sort of closure.

again, ccs are fine, i think they were great, i wasn’t a big fan of how the story was handled. that’s it

[svt-kiki]

( 💍 ) 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍　　⌅ .

◜ 💍　────　𝗋𝗈𝗆𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖺𝗎 .　

my fellow constellations, welcome ! to the introduction of romance au in kiki-verse ★ in this au, we will explore the romance that could have happend in kiki’s life — in another universe.

　...　what is it about ?　

as i’ve said before ( and confused everyone unfortunately ) kiki has three major love interests, which is jeon wonwoo, choi seungcheol and lee soohyuk. as i considered carefully for months, i decided to follow my heat. in other words, i would create three storyline where she ends up with each of them, rather than pick just one man ( and i think no one can blame me for it, just look at those fine men ! ).

i apologize everyone in beforehand, because i do understand just choose one love interest and make it as her endgame in canon timeline would be much more simple and easy to understand. however, i run this blog for fun, and i should try how far i can go for this version. if it didn’t go well, then — i’ll just cross that bridge.

　how to get the lore ?

you can just imagine that her endgame is *your favorite* among three of them. or all at the same time because this is multi verse idea ( not poly fic ). if you are capable to watch doctor strange : multi verse of madness and think “oh so this is another version of the same character,” then you are ready to go !

or, you can also think all three of them are just alternative possibility and see her as young, rich and single woman who could care less about romance and men ( tbh this one feels natural for her when i think about the personality and beliefs... but i also enjoy those ships a lot, too ).

besides the scenario series, i would post other contents such as them as couple in award shows, youtube compilations or people being obsessed with them in social media. ill leave the banner as each posts’ beginning so you can know which ship i am talking about ( or, avoid it if you want only specific otp ! ).

◜ 💍　────　𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗅𝗂𝗇𝖾 .　

to avoid the further confusion, the each timelines are explained in below :

　kinwoo au

‘20 · START DATING

‘23 dec · ENGAGED

‘24 sep · TIE THE KNOT

　kicheol au

‘24 · START DATING

‘25 mar · TIE THE KNOT

　kihyuk au

... ABOUT TO HAPPEN

which means, some of her past romances and one night flings from main timeline wouldn’t be happen in here, if it was supposed to be after kiki got together with someone in romance au.

for example, kiki romantically connected with someone in 2023 & hooked up with another one in feb 2024, but both hadn’t happened in kinwoo au, because kiki and wonwoo are already together in 2020. however, it stil can be a thing if kicheol and kihyuk were not together yet at that time.

( gosh this is complicated, sorry... ) anyway ! don’t think too much, just enjoy <3　

© SVT-KIKI　/　2025 .　

( tag list )　@smh-anon @jennwonwoo @angie-x3 @scarlet789 @cheeksung

[nightlilly0110]

I have not paid attention to My Hero Academia in ages. It got boring for me, I especially didn’t really like the “yes and” sort of fights they were doing where it was like “oh no he’s dead, oh wait no he’s not, and he also has gotten stronger and has somehow developed more powers” (I’m staring so hard at Dabi vs Shouto and Dabi spontaneously developing an ice quirk after having his ass beat multiple times already).

Anyway. Regardless on me having issues with that, because I know that when your main villain’s power is All Of Them, you gotta shove a whole lot of shit into your grand act, your finale.

The story of My Hero Academia did a really good job at pointing out all the flaws in hero society. Everyone wants the prestige with becoming a hero so they gotta limit it to people who have a strong enough power to get into hero schools, specifically the hero track. Not all heroes are good people and it’s dangerous to blindly give out this status as a top member of society. Not all villains are inherently evil - as the manga states, all it takes is one bad day. Racism, abuse, and mental health issues are overlooked because it happens to the people on the bottom rung. It’s realistic. It’s great. It gets the point across that this world isn’t as fantastic as it first seemed.

And then all of that immediately gets undercut by the reveal that Everything in the manga is AFO’s fault. He gave Shigaraki Decay and groomed him, he’s the one who caused the surge in crime and the anti-mutant rhetoric. They establish him as born evil, as the devil incarnate, that he has always been this way and will never change. I expected that he would never have redemption and is beyond saving, but to say he was Born Evil contradicts the “one bad day” narrative that is literally on the first page of Volume 24.

Gonna Devil’s Advocate myself for a second. I think the idea that AFO being irredeemable and going against the “one bad day” narrative would have been a great contrast to Shigaraki and the rest of the LOV.

Here’s the but.

They also go on to imply that Everything Will Be Okay As Long As We Kill AFO. Since he’s the Root Of All Evil, if they kill him, everything will be 100% perfect and nothing will be Evil or Wrong or Bad ever again.

Please hear my sarcasm. That’s unfortunately not how systemic racism, classism, abuse, or any other social issues work. They unfortunately do not vanish because you get rid of one guy. It’ll definitely help consider AFO won’t be around to fuck shit up, but it’s not a be all end all situation.

Additionally, having all of this realistic worldbuilding and establishing all the problems in this hero society, having testimonies from the villains and from Deku himself that if you are different you will suffer, and then turning it around and going “actually it wasn’t the system, the system it’s fine, it’s just this one dickhead lol” fucking sucks. Okay yeah, it’s cool to see all the ways AFO was pulling the strings behind everything and manipulating society how he wanted it, but it seemed very shoehorned in???? We see some glimpses of his control of resources with the Nomu labs and the implications of using doctors to scope out good quirks to use, but we spent too little time on that other than focusing on Kurogiri.

Moving on to the spoilers I saw today for the most recent chapter. Deku’s motivations have always been “I want to be able to save as many people as I can, just like All Might.” He’s stated many times throughout the last few fights that he wants to be able to reach Tenko - not Tomura, but Tenko - and this is the end he gets?????

Liberties with the translations as it’s not official but like. Come on.

“I’m a crying brat just like you said.” We established a long time ago that Shigaraki fights because he wants to build a better world for him and his friends. While he might have been a “crying brat” in his first few appearances, he hasn’t been that way in literal years. Deku calling him this (which I can’t find a good image of, sorry) goes against his entire character. He’s not a brat. He has reasons to do what he does.

“I wanted to stop you because you wanted to be stopped.” Stopped, not saved.

“So your sadness wouldn’t be passed on.” What Deku is saying here is that he is acknowledging that Shigaraki was wronged, but he isn’t going to do anything for him other than stop him (kill him) because he was hurting other people. Again, reminder, this was the kid that wanted to save as many people as he can, and Shigaraki wasn’t past saving. What was the point of emphasizing that Tenko was still a part of him that existed if you were going to kill them both?

We also don’t know what happened to the other villains as of right now. None of their statuses have been confirmed, but they’re presumed to be dead. None of them got their happy ending. None of them even got a good ending. None of them have the closure that their injustices were wronged. None of them have the closure that they left this world in good hands for other people like them. They just died.

So who exactly are we saving? What’s the point?

[ddlcbrainrot]

i loveee all your thoughts abt the girls !! do u have any moniyuri hcs they like rewired my brain chemistry

HSJDJD SAME i did not get this ship at all until one day light bulbs suddenly lit up in my brain and ive never been the same since. I gotta say there is not enough content of them, except of a few one-shots here and there

So, Monika and Yuri have always been a very interesting duo imo because they are weirdly similar despite being polar opposites tropes on paper (popular girl / loner girl ). I mean, all the girls have something in common with one another but in different ways. I think both of them are really socially awkward, Yuri of course more so, with the main difference being the way they handle it. Yuri’s way of dealing with her lack of social skills is closing up, not really putting herself out there because if she does she will probably make a fool of herself, while Monika takes a more “fake it till you make it” approach (which actually works quite well considering she is the most popular girl in school and everything). Anyway, this has somehow turned into me just talking about Yuri and Monika let me backpedal to the headcanons lmao

I already mentioned their tropes, but yeah popular girl x loner girl goes HARD

We know from act 3 that Monika loves to just sit back and talk about whatever random thoughts pop in her head and Yuri loves to listen to her ramble. Sometimes Yuri gets excited about something (her books, her DND campaign, you name it) and she starts rambling to Monika. They just love talking to each other endlessly about nothing and everything

Monika is straight up obsessed with Yuri. Like, she cannot go five minutes without mentioning her if she’s having a conversation with someone else. And when Yuri is in the room? Good luck getting her attention, she’s too busy making googly eyes at her

I’d like to think the way they would get together would be the most normal one out of all the pairings, since both of them are the more outwardly mature ones of the club, but I also think they are not as mature as they would like to make you think (especially in a regard like this one). The confession would either be very organic or very awkward I really don’t know

In my natsuri headcanons I said Yuri is the little spoon, but that was with natsuki. Monika is the littlest spoon that has ever littled spooned in the history of little spooning. I will not be taking notes on this.

Both are extremely touch deprived btw, but both of them are also awkward enough to not know how to ask for cuddles, hugs, ect. Monika probably breaks out of this first tho, meaning she is the one that mostly initiates outside of a few exceptions

Yuri is always taken aback by how affectionate Monika is (mostly verbally, but also physically sometimes). She definitely doesn’t feel as comfortable being that affectionate constantly herself (especially in public) but that’s because her way of showing affection is in smaller acts that speak a lot, which Monika finds extremely sweet

I’ve seen some people headcanon that Yuri listens to classical music, so maybe Monika plays her piano sonnets from time to time

also i think they borrow each others clothes

Bonus :

Monika : “Would you still love me if I was a worm? :(“

Yuri : “Yeah, of course.” *…Why would she be a worm???*

[versegm]

Coming out of my self-imposed tumblr ban cuz this is the third post I see along the lines of "man we gotta jump ship" so here are some other ways to be social/do fandom/ect. I'm not gonna call them "tumblr alternatives" because I won't lie to you these are gonna be very different experiences from tumblr. But if you use tumblr as a way to meet new people/post your thoughts/do fandom/keep up with folks, then maybe one of these is worth looking into.

COHOST

I don't use Cohost so idk if it's good or not, but all the people who use it tell me it's A Whole Lot Like Tumblr. Got pretty mixed reviews on this one, people seem to either love it or hate it, either way you could check it out it's free.

PILLOWFORT

My main bitch, so I can actually talk about it.

Pros:

Lots of cool privacy features

Porn is allowed

Website has been consistently getting updates and listening to the userbase

No ads because it's user-funded

Cons:

Being user-funded means the website is frequently struggling with money

NEOCITIES

This one isn't really a social media, it's a host for websites.

Pros:

You can do whatever the fuck you want here

Cons:

You have to code it all yourself

If you didn't immediately skip this rolling your eyes, here are some ressources to get a blog running with minimum efforts, and a cool zine to figure out what to put on your blog.

FANLISTING

Ye Old internet way to find new peeps in your fandom. It's a list of fans. I'm listing thefanlisting.org here because it's the biggest hub of fanlistings out there, but there are plenty that aren't listed so if you've got a topic dear to your heart it might be worth googling up "[fandom/ship/character] fanlisting" and see what turns up.

Pros:

It's literally just adding your name to a list of fans. Low spoon effort.

Cons:

If you want to talk to any of the people on the fanlisting you have to actually manually contact them via email or website or whatever they provided for contact. High social anxiety effort.

Anyways that's all I got chief. You probably already heard of half of those and the other half might have made you go "hey wtf that's not at all what I use tumblr for why would I need these" and the answer is it's not my problem. I discovered these when looking for ways for me personally to do social media so if you do social media differently sorry I can't help ya. But hey maybe you'll discover something new who knows.

Preemptive answers to things I am sure will clog my notifications for years to come:

None of these are like tumblr! Look bestie this is like the fifth time people consider abandoning tumblr at this point you have to make your peace with the fact that there is no other website like this one.

The websites you mentioned are nearly empty there's no one in my community here! Bro if you want a website with lots of people you don't need me listing off where you can go you already know where people are going (aka: Bluesky) If you're so scared to be alone then invite your buddies to move there together so you can chat together idk. Be the change you want to be in the world.

I'm not gonna use these. Then you've got my blessing to not use these. I assure you you don't need to reblog this post just to tell me you won't use these. I don't care.

Anyways. Peace. Dunno how many people this is gonna be useful to, but if you wanted to branch out of the usual reddit/bluesky/twitter, hopefully this will help.

Bunch of pillowfort invite codes under the cut since I got a bunch. Sorry I got no cohost as I said I don't use that one.

[educatingmerlin]

Hi and thank you if you answer this one!

Is it just me or does any content with Gwen/Elyan/both of them gets so much less attention from fandom?

ArWen is much less popular than Merthur, despite it being canon. As an artist, who loves drawing Gwen, it's sad to say that Gwen/ArWen arts don't get as much likes and reblogs than Merlin/Arthur. I don't even want to start on Elyan.

And I wanted to know what if it's about art quality? I tried many different stuff with Gwen. Fast and lively sketches, full rendered arts I spent hours and hours of my life, etc etc. Many experimental things to see if there's any difference. But a simple sketch with Merthur gets much more attention in just minutes :/

I can't understand if that's racism towards the character? Or people in fandom just generally love gay characters, absolutely ignoring one of the main characters who IS a female? ://

It really is frustrating to see. As an artist I, of course, love attention (there aren't much who doesn't). But I also don't want to be stuck drawing two same white dudes just to get more likes&reblogs, considering that I myself AM NOT a white man and I do want more diversity in art.

And there's this dilemma in what should I draw to satisfy fandom's needs or should I draw for myself only and suffer from no attention

Thank you for your submission and for sharing your experience.

I am sorry that you have had to go through this, especially with working countless hours making artwork only for it to go unappreciated.

First of all, it is important to know that this is not due to you personally or the quality of your artwork, but it is an issue with the fandom and how they interact with certain content. So please do not blame yourself!

What you have said is right. The fandom is largely dominated by fans of the white characters or non-canon ships (who are mostly white themselves). Whilst there are fans of Arwen/Gwen/Elyan, there are not nearly as many fans for characters such as Merlin, Arthur or Morgana.

Of course the racism has affected the situation too.

It is likely a mix of both things. As there are more fans for the white characters, they are only interested in seeing content of the people they love. This is not a bad thing, but it does impact the way they interact with content. And with racism they usually do not want to see any content of the Black characters.

With the fandom being majority Merlin/Arthur/Merthur fans it is pretty easy for them to gain a lot of interactions with their content and it has often led to certain posts becoming viral (or at least semi viral with thousands and thousands of reblogs).

It is a really difficult situation to be in when you are constantly trying to get your work out there and appreciated. The fandom needs to be a lot more welcoming to content which celebrates a wider part of the show and the characters.

I have a post about this planned which I will share soon but I am striving to do this within this page. It is so important to support creators and artists of color in the Merlin fandom.

For now, there are a few things that I would suggest:

Try to follow and interact with artists who also focus on Gwen/Elyan. Finding a circle where you are on the same page as other fans may be helpful in building up your page and interactions.

No doubt you are doing this already but make sure that you are tagging correctly. For example on Gwen artwork, do not solely tag Gwen related things. Often the hashtags for Black Merlin characters get bombarded with non-Gwen related posts. Many fans follow Gwen tags to see Gwen content but end up unfollowing as posts about her are usually lost in a sea of white Merlin characters.

Make sure you are on different social media platforms. I have spoken about this before but on each site, the fandom is different. One site may be more welcoming and supportive of your artwork than another.

I know this is difficult as this is something which is out of our control and we have to rely on others to support us. It would not surprise me if you have already tried these things, but if you have not, I hope that they do help.

I also hope that other artists share their own tips about this!

My future post will be asking artists what this page can do to help other artists (of color) in supporting them so please look out for it or feel free to submit something here.

[therealnoot]

you know practically everything about Attakai already but lemme see if I can scrounge up a few fun facts…

-perhaps this is obvious from the fact that she’s the literal ocean, but she smells strongly of salt

-Attakai’s healing magic has been described to feel mildly uncomfortable at first, but then soothing like ocean waves lapping at your wound and numbing it

-as the wife of Nova, she was relatively popular in eldritch being social circles, but became isolated when he died and Thirio was around instead (not necessarily because Thirio cut her off, but because she was grieving and losing some of her healthier habits)

-Attakai, in her sea beast form, has definitely eaten humans out of curiosity, but later found them cute and liked to play with their ships instead (which made for some very confused sailors)

that’s all I can think of! I’m excited to see if you come up with anything :) and here’s her ref handy

ATTAKAI MY BELOVED ♥️♥️♥️

So I think it’s kind of obvious for Attakai to be some kind of seafood dish and I was going to go with something like fried, grilled, or baked something but I wanted the food I chose to kind of reflect her as a character and from what I know about her I think I did a pretty good job.

Firstly she’d have a yummy Cioppino soup (fisherman’s stew) served in a cheddar biscuit bread bowl!

Cioppino is said to taste like the sea and it has a tomato and wine broth base, with the addition of shallots, garlic, onion and other vegetables it can become a very hearty soup. It is usually made with Clams, clam juice, shrimp and one or multiple of the following fish: Halibut, Cod, Salmon or Snapper. It is also seasoned with Red Pepper flakes, Oregano, Thyme and sometimes Saffron.

I decided that soup would be my best choice for Attakai because Soup is something you’d most likely eat when sick and Cioppino contains a lot of healthy ingredients, even if it isn’t the typical soup someone would eat when they’re sick. I also decided that it would go in a bread bowl since soup pairs well with breads but specifically cheddar biscuit because they compliment seafood quite well.

I also chose a bread bowl because to me, bread is a very motherly food item. It holds and soaks things in and is used as a base to make and hold together plenty of dishes. Plus fluffy bread feels like a hug and I know Attakai is a hugger (at least fairly confident she is)

Then I decided as a dessert to go with a tropical fruit bowl. In a coconut. Because why not? Technically the fruit bowl has a lightly salted honey glaze but I couldn’t figure out how to show that. So I am telling you in words. I don’t really have a reason for this exactly I only thought that having something lighter that’s still fairly sweet would be something good to pair with a soup like Cioppino.

Lastly for her drink I just went with a Bluerberry Mojito. Mojito is a fun cocktail (or Mocktail if Attakai does not enjoy alcohol) that pairs really well with seafood and is made with white rum, sugar, lime, mint, soda water and sometimes Jalepeño. Some people prefer to add fruit to theirs as well, such as blueberry! The main reason I picked this drink was again, because it paired well with seafood. The lime and Mint even in just carbonated water is very fizzy, refreshing and citrusy and is considered a summer, by the beach type of drink and sometimes tastes like cool waves washing over you on a hot day and I believe the fizz it has sometimes mimics that of seafoam washing up and bubbling across the sand as well.

Anyways I believe that is all. Now for the fun part, the part that I’ve been excited for (the Art)

May I just say. Attakai is beautiful. She’s so fantastic

I also really enjoyed doing this and I can’t wait to see if anyone else drops in my ask box with a character and info about them as well

[thedraconiclibrary]

Books with no romance

Today is Valentine’s Day, which is great for some but terrible for others. While I enjoy a good fictional romance, this post goes out to all my aromantics, those uninterested in any romantic relationships right now, those who want but don’t have any relationships, and those who just like reading books with no romance in them! Behold, the books/series I’ve read and would recommend to others that feature no romance.

Quick disclaimer: This is not a list of books with aromantic characters. As in, I did not make this list by determining if the books describe the main characters as aromantic or if they lack romantic attraction, they’re just books that happen to not have romance in them. I haven’t read widely enough to make an aromantic rep recommendations list, but plenty of other people have!

Now, without further ado…

An Altar on the Village Green by Nathan Hall

Self-published adult fantasy horror - book 1 of an ongoing series but mostly works as a standalone

There’s so much raw humanity and tragedy but the MC keeps going anyway

Beautiful prose that I still wouldn’t describe as flowery. The author has worked as an editor for years and imo it shows, as I would’ve never guessed this was a debut

Partially inspired by Soulsborne games so if you like those then you’ll probably like this, but I also loved this book as someone who’s never played any of those games

Just a very dark and unique atmosphere compared to everything else I’ve read so far

Bonus points for Nathan Hall being one of the few authors I follow on social media (Bluesky) and very clearly being an outspoken ally to the trans people and larger LGBTQ+ community

Just Lizzie by Karen Wilfrid

Middle grade contemporary standalone

Does a great job balancing the time spent on the “am I asexual” plotline and the “how do I contextualize the traumatic event I experienced” plotline (and doesn’t makes the MC asexual because of trauma)

Despite the main character fitting the parameters for being aroace, asexuality is the only element really explored here. It wasn’t done in a way that bothered me when I read it, seeing as it’s a middle grade work and told its story so well, but in hindsight I feel it needs mentioning

I really liked how much of a real person the main character felt and how she really did feel like a middle schooler trying to figure things out

Appreciated the book’s handling of trauma and how messy the main character’s path to understanding it was. Again, really felt like how a middle schooler would process this and not how an adult would

Just honestly a lovely little read

The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells

Ongoing adult sci-fi novella series (with 1 full-length novel)

What can I say about Murderbot that hasn’t already been said

I relate very much to this socially anxious robot

Man I wanna reread this series

For me this is very much a main character driven read (less in a “what a complex exploration of this person’s inner mind” way and more in a “I love you so much and want to read about everything you do” way). If you don’t love Murderbot after reading the first book then I wouldn’t bother trying to continue

The plots mostly hinge on classic “well this current event happening isn’t good, guess I have to save everyone’s lives now” action

Gallant by VE Schwab

Young adult fantasy standalone

Definitely a vibes-based read for me

I’ve seen some people call this horror but I’d have to disagree. It does have some gothic vibes, but I never really felt horror. But I suppose your mileage may vary, so if you never read any horror at all maybe consider this at the edge of your comfort zone

The main character is mute! Lovely! It definitely factors into the main character’s treatment and worldview, but it’s never “fixed” in the narrative or such. She’s mute when the book begins and is still mute when the book ends

If you can read things with your eyes, I’d highly recommend doing so because the book has lots of beautiful art! For me it really made an impact on the reading experience (and also takes up a significant amount of the page count). I’m not really sure how the audiobook is handled or what accessible options exist for this work for people who can’t see, so, bear that in mine

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata

Adult literary fiction standalone

My experience with literary fiction has been very hit or miss but this was a big hit

Equal parts entertaining and thought provoking

Really liked the main character, and looking back on it now that I know I’m autistic, I think she reads very autistic as I relate to a lot of her struggles. I’d have to reread it to give a firm opinion on that though

Very strong writing style imo, I think you’ll quickly know whether the authorial voice works for you or not

The Last Cuentista by Donna Barba Higuera

Middle grade sci-fi standalone

Sad and dark but also hopeful, a very emotional read that doesn’t hold its punches

Emphasis on storytelling and Latinx heritage, also incorporating Spanish words into the text in a way that is still easy to follow if you don’t speak Spanish (which I currently don’t but would like to learn soon)

Haven’t personally seen another middle grade like this and would recommend it regardless of if you typically read this age category

Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer

Middle grade sci-fantasy series

Okay technically this series hints at a romance but it never actually amounts to anything by the end of the series, so I’d still loosely count it as having no romance. But if you really don’t want to even have any momentary inklings of “hmm I wonder if they’ll get together at some point” despite knowing the answer is “no,” then go ahead and skip this rec

Love how this book blends fantasy and sci-fi elements. Mainly in that it’s fantasy cause faeries and other magical things exist (loosely uses Irish folklore for most of its elements) but the faeries use technology (often powered by magic) and the main character also invents things and uses technology (usually not powered by magic). I’d also say the plot lines lean more towards being things you’d expect to see in a sci-fi book

Morally questionable main character that becomes a better person overtime (which is especially cool to see in a middle-grade imo)

Lovable side characters (looking at you Foaly)

Lots of fun action throughout

Would recommend reading the first two books before making your judgement, as the first book is the most different from the rest of the series (fwiw books 2 and 4 are my favorites, so)

[aihoshiino]

Professor of Hoshino-Ailogy, might you have some tips on how to write the dear Miss genius idol herself? 🙇‍♀️ Been trying to dabble into writing stuff but her character's got me stuck. Been loving your OnK thoughts so I thought to try shooting an ask if that's ok!

Anon I know this is the joke but I am so genuinely moved at the idea of being considered a Professor Of Hoshino Aiology............ It really is all I was put on this earth to do. I immediately changed my discord name to this LMFAO

So! My recommendation would be to go back to OnK and specifically review episode 1 of the anime, as its take on Ai does a lot to flesh her out in comparison to the equivalent manga chapters. You should also check out Akane's little Pepe Silvia bit on episode 7, both so you can pick up on all that info and so you can point at the screen and go "Wow! She is Literally Me right now." (Anyone else? Just me? OK...)

And while everyone on earth has undoubtedly seen it already, take some time to chew on the Idol MV's imagery - the song as a whole and the MV specifically is basically just Ai's whole arc condensed and abstracted so it's good to look at how Ai is portrayed here and really think about why those choices were made.

After that, read Viewpoint B and 45510 side by side and do your best to put them in conversation with each other. What do these opposing views on Ai have to say about her and her motivations? That kind of thing. I also tentatively recommended reading the first chapter of Spica since it's some of our lengthiest unbroken Ai POV content, with the caveat that Spica doesn't always match up with how the main series talks about and portrays the same events so uh. Feel free to cherrypick what you take from it LOL

The Da Vinci interview and Artificial Girl are also both important in terms of getting a look at "Ai of B-Komachi" and seeing how she operates strictly in work mode. The Da Vinci interview also has some important notes about her history and relationships to certain other characters, so I think it's good to chew on in general!

From there, the most important manga chapters to review imo are 131, 136 and 137. 131 expands on Ai's history with her mom & has information about the abuse she put up with. As I've said before, her formative experiences with abuse and neglect and Ayumi's hands basically run through her entire soul like fault lines, so it's important to get a good understanding of that to start unfucking how it affects her behaviour. 

136 and 137 are also really important in understanding the emotional narrative of Ai's life, even if the literal events they portray obviously need to be taken with a grain of salt. We generally only see Ai of B-Komachi as a beguiling presence but 136 gives us a good look at just how fucking frustrating she would be to try and have a human relationship with and how this mask and Ai's general avoidance and discomfort with serious conversations contributes to her social isolation.

137 is, in my totally biased opinion, one of the best chapters in the entire series and so, so important for understanding Ai. It lays out in plain terms the most important foundational keystone of her entire character: that she was a normal, lonely girl struggling to connect and to find happiness and her desperation was taken advantage of so people could turn her into an object.

I think it's possible to get a good read on Ai just from the prologue arc, the rest of this material is important as reiteration and expansion on her core character. With all of it together, you should start picking up on patterns in her behaviour and drawing connections between her actions and the things that inform them.

If you're still having trouble figuring her out after that, here are some points I think are really important to keep in mind that often go overlooked when it comes to Ai:

Ai is neurodivergent and an abuse survivor

Ai is stated at least twice in the text of Oshi no Ko to have a developmental disorder and I think there's enough evidence in the text to say that she's intended to be read as autistic specifically.

On top of that, Ai's formative years were spent on a home environment where she could not rely on her primary guardians to consistently care for her and she was alternately neglected and violently physically abused, to the point of not feeling safe in her own house at night.

This is important to keep in mind because while Ai is pretty good at masking, her neurodivergence and her history with abuse means that she processes information - particularly social information - in a very different way to a neurotypical person.

Ai does not always lie - and her lies are different than you think

I've said this a million times before and I'll probably say it another million but a lot of the really out of pocket Ai takes you see in OnK fandom generally come from people who go to the extreme of dismissing everything that comes out of Ai's mouth as a lie and thus just completely missing out on a majority of her characterization.

Ai's "lie" is her performance - it's the illusion that "Ai of B-Komachi" is her true self with absolutely nothing else going on in her personal life. It's not a case of making shit up, but leaving things out - obfuscation and omission are the name of the game.

Picking up on when she's being honest Vs telling a lie is just something you end up getting a feel for as you get an understanding of her but generally, if Ai directly and plainly states something and it is not in conflict with things we know to be fact, then it's probably true enough.

This isn't a strict binary obviously and there are plenty of times where Ai says something that is obviously untrue but isn't her consciously lying - rather, like any human being, she has biases that affect her judgement, with her own stemming from her history of abuse and rejection and her poor self image.

The fact that Ai lies is less important than WHY she lies

This is sort of a reiteration of what I said above but where a lot of people get stuck on Ai's external behavior (that she lies) and fail to take dig into underlying motivations that actually cause her to behave that way. I know "this character has motivations" is probably like an insultingly baby mode reminder but I really do see so many people just completely abjectly failing to grasp this that I felt it needed saying lol

Deception is not Ai's end goal. Ai lies not because she wants to trick people but because she's been taught over and over her whole life that it's the only way she can be treated with basic fucking decency, and she has internalized this persistent cruelty as being her own fault. She performs Ai of B-Komachi because there is clearly something wrong with Hoshino Ai.

Even with that in mind, this isn't something Ai wants. As she says herself says in 45510, she wants people to know and accept her as she really is, flaws and impurity and all, and as she demonstrates in both Viewpoint B and chapter 1, she's incredibly quick to start opening up to people who seem to have the potential to accept her, or even just who treat her kindly. She is simply that lonely and that desperate to connect.

I hope this is all helpful, anon! I didn't necessarily want to just point by point how I write Ai just because I think that takes the fun out of things, but this is more or less the process I went through in forming my interpretation of her, and the rest is all things I've just intuited or drawn my own conclusions about from writing her - "oh, if Behaviour X, then Underlying Cause Y", that kind of thing. I hope this gives you a solid base to work on for writing her, tho - and please let me know when you're done so I can read it 👀

[jujumin-translates]

[A3!] ★ Main Story | Act 14 - DREAM CATCHER | Episode 15 - Classmate

Izumi: Did you get a chance to look around?

Yuki: Yep, there are no problems regarding the costumes.

Azami: And I checked all my makeup items.

Muku: I’m glad you found stuff that looked good.

Yuki: Now all we have to do is win the budget battle against the money-grubbing yakuza about this amount of money.

Azami: We’re definitely gonna have to join forces for this one.

Izumi: Sounds like it’s going to be one fierce battle…

Muku: Huh…?

Izumi: What is it, Muku-kun?

Muku: That person over there, is that…?

Izumi: …?

Ibuki: Damn, I’ve been seeing y’all a lot~.

Izumi: Ah, Ibuki-kun.

Ibuki: Huh? Wait, aren’t you Izumida?

Azami: What? Ahh… We’re in the same class…

Izumi: They’re your classmate, Azami-kun!?

Yuki: You go to Tsuku High, Ibuki? I guess that means you go to the same school that Kumon went to.

Azami: So are they an acquaintance or?

Muku: They’re the famous influencer Ibukichi that Kyu-chan was telling you about.

Azami: Oh, so that’s what he was yappin’ about. It was this person here…

Ibuki: You’re my classmate, you should’ve known that already! Anyway, why are you tagging along with ManPani, Izumida?

Muku: Azami-kun’s one of Autumn Troupe’s members. He’s also in charge of our makeup.

Ibuki: For real!?

Yuki: You’re his classmate and you didn’t even know that.

Azami: It’s not like we really talk to each other.

Ibuki: Ibuki does makeup videos sometimes, so we should like, totally collab.

Azami: I ain’t interested in collabin’ with someone I hardly know.

Ibuki: What? It doesn’t have to be a makeup video if you don’t want it to be!

Ibuki: I was just in the middle of making a TikTak right now. It’s gonna get tons of views, so we should totally like make one together.

Azami: I’ll pass.

Yuki: You can’t just use people for clout without their permission.

Ibuki: Considering Ibuki’s follower count, I’d say it’s a win-win! C’mon, just a little bit!

Yuki: No.

Azami: Same here.

Ibuki: What!? Turning down an invitation from Ibuki is just--.

Muku: U-Umm, would it be okay if I did it…?

Ibuki: For real!?

Ibuki: It’s Muku, right? You’re seriously a real one! Do you know this dance?

Muku: L-Like this?

Ibuki: Yep, yep!

Yuki: You can never just ignore someone, can you?

Ibuki: ‘Kay, record us, thanks.

Yuki: Why me…?

Ibuki: Because. Okay, go.

Muku: O-Okay--!

Ibuki: ‘Kay. Got a good shot.

Ibuki: --And, posted.

Muku: Huh, you posted it already?

Ibuki: It’s a short video, so all I had to do was add text and effects and it was done.

Izumi: It’s just that easy…

Ibuki: I sometimes post longer videos with legit editing ‘n stuff, but nowadays people like watching shorter videos and those ones do way better too.

Ibuki: Like I said, we’re in an era that’s all about min-maxing that sweet instant gratification!

Muku: I see…

Izumi: I guess if anyone would know a lot about that sort of thing, it’d be an influencer.

Ibuki: Duh. If you wanna know anything about social media, just ask Ibuki-sama.

Yuki: …And you’re just as irritating about it as someone else we know.

Izumi: (They are a little bit like Tenma-kun during the debut performance…)

Izumi: We’re going to need a social media strategy now more than ever, so we’ll let you know if we need anything.

Ibuki: I’ll be ready whenever.

[ ⇠ Previous Part ] • [ Next Part ⇢ ]

[dalt20]

Tooning In. 21 Greg Bailey part 8 of 10

DL:So, you directed the controversial episode of Arthur, Mr. Ratburn and the Special Someone. Where Mr Ratburn marries a chocolatier. Many fans and parental/religious groups were upset at the episode and stated that Ratburn wasn't gay but an effeminate man (I.e. Metrosexual). What are your thoughts? And the process of creating the episode?

GB:Ratburn is most definitely gay and now he is married. There was always some discussion in the fan groups wondering if he was gay and we never addressed it one way or another. You remember we did that episode Sugar Time in the Postcards from Buster series where the kid being visited Buster lived with his 2 moms. Same sex marriage was already legal in Canada by that time so it was not really an issue here but that episode really blew up in the US. It cost the head of PBS kids her job. There were interviews all over the place in the Us about that show . I did an interview here with CBC news about it and at the end of the interview the reporter turned off the camera and said to me "It really isn't any kid of news issue here but we are covering the story because it was a big deal in the US." It was actually a local story since it was coming from Vermont and Montreal is kind of the local big city for that part of Vermont. Anyway 10 later and we were having the story meeting for the last season of Arthur. My main interest at that meeting was to try to wrap up all the questions that fans had and other loose ends that we had in the series after all those years. One of the things was that some people I know had suggested to me that Ratburn was gay. At the meeting I tossed out that idea of doing a show about Ratburn coming out and getting married. I really did not think the idea would get even the least amount of traction and it was almost a joke considering all the trouble we had been in for the Sugartime episode. Everyone kind of laughed when I pitched it but the producer Carol Greenwald immediately said " Sure we could maybe do that now if we were pretty careful with how it is handled/ " I think Peter Hirsch nearly fell off his chair when she said that. It was just agreed that time had changed even in the US by that point. I think that non gay parents and people that claim they are involved with a church need to get out more and see the real world. I mean there are an awful lot of kids out there that live with gay parents and up until then we never really gave them a nod even though we covered so many other social and health issues that kids are living with. We had a lot of positive feedback on that show from kids and parents. The kids still love their parents and television never really gives them examples of other kids living the same life they are totally familiar with. Everyone really liked working on the show including Arthur Holden who we worried might be bothered by it since he voiced that character all those years and he was never supposed to gay. But Arthur was immediately on board with it because he is quite open minded and saw it as big development for the character.

DL:How do you feel about the backlash from Alabama Public Television, who refused to air that episode alongside that Postcards from Buster episode, Sugartime?

GB:Well nobody in Alabama is gay. So I guess it's fine in that case. On the other hand I've heard Alabama is the gay capital of America.

DL:The irony there is amazing! How was 2018, When the series was ending? I heard that in 2019, you guys had a wrapup party celebrating the end of the show. How did you feel that the series was ending?

GB:For a lot of years I had heard that the show was going to end that season. Normally shows ended at 65 episodes when we started Arthur but we were winning Emmy's and a Peabody around that point. But I think every year after that the production company that was doing the show was pretty sure it would end that year. So finally Carol told me would end the show in that 25 season before we had our story meeting at the start of the season. Like I said I wanted to sew up the loose ends. I don't know why I was so concerned about that now but when your identity is so tied to your creative body of work like that series you get kind of obsessed with it. I probably should have quit before the end and gone onto something else because it was not as sharp as it once was and it never really looked the same once we went digital and each season brought one more thing that made it less good. Between changing production companies and animation methods and having less budget and schedule each year it was less interesting. Anyway, I didn't feel like I could leave the show before the bitter end because I wouldn't have directed every episode and special. I wished it had gone on a few more seasons but that is purely personal preference so I could finish up my career with it rather than trying to move on to something else. I realized that would be hard to do after directing such a well known show for so long. We did do a big wrap party at the end of the series. WE were still working on the last few shows at the time. It was a nice big party. Some of the people who worked on the show for a lot of seasons showed up so it was fun.

DL:So, How was the last episode, All Grown Up? Was it bitter sweet for you?

GB:It was funny that all through the season I kept saying that this was the last season and some of the older hands on the show would say that we said every year. So sometimes it was hard to get people to believe it. That last show was kind of sad to do for sure. We wanted to do something that was really big to actually end the series with a twist or a real cliff hanger. I keep thinking of the Bob Newhart series set in Vermont where he wakes up in bed and it was all a dream. The last episode was great though. Peter did a terrific job writing that last episode. Gerry Capelle, my main storyboard artist all those seasons did the storyboard and it was great as well. We still did the 2 specials tagged onto the end of the series and those were kind of drudgery when I think of them. It seemed like the crew was all leaving before they finished their job so I had to fill in a lot of missing pieces myself. We had missing designs and stuff. Some stuff was tedious though I guess I quickly learned how tedious some of the production had become and some of it was a good learning experience for using ToonBoom Harmony.

DL:Also how was bringing back the first voice of Arthur, Michael Yamurish to come back to play adult Arthur?

GB:That was fun. I had used Michael on some other parts over the years. Slink I believe. So I still spoke to him occasionally. When Peter wrote that ending with the kids being older I suggested we get Michael to do the role. It fit quite well there and made an interesting twist. It would have been great getting Michal Caloz to do DW but we had lost track of him after he moved to California about the same year he quit doing DW.

DL:So how was Marc Brown during this, What were his thoughts on the show ending? Did he say anything to you while directing or doing voicework in the booth?

GB:I imagine Marc was about the same as me though Arthur for him still continues after the series ends because he can keep making more books. I don't remember the voice session with him. Maybe he was recorded in NY or Boston. I forgot that he had a few lines of dialog in that show but it's true that he must have been in a booth somewhere. We often spoke during the course of the season about various things. He was also up at the wrap party at the end so we had some time to reminisce then. WE usually did the start of season story meetings at Marc's house or studio over the years. So we would touch base at various points. I even remember taking a quick swim in the ocean at his house at Martha's Vineyard one year. I didn't grow up near the ocean so I can never pass up a chance to do that even if it is a token swim.

DL:So, did you direct the Arthur PSAs that tackled Racism after the death of George Floyd in 2020?

GB:No I didn't.

DL:So that was done by a different person.

GB: It's the first time I heard of it.

DL:Which is strange because I thought you directed everything Arthur related

I show Greg the Arthur Short : Talk,listen and Act, which was not directed by him.

GB:Yeah I guess they found someone else. I see from what you just uploaded that all the characters are cross eyed. I just watched what you uploaded and it makes me kind of angry to watch it. The lip sync is terrible and the eyebrows are upside down a lot and they keep holding up their hands and pointing to the sky with their finger when making a point. WE even had a name for holding your hand up in the air like that . We called it "weighing air." It’s just a bad habit a lot of storyboard artists have that don't know how to make the characters act. If you watch most low end tv animation they do this all the time because they don't know even the basics of acting. We did our best to avoid the weighing air and pointing to the sky all those years. It looks really badly boarded and animated. It must have been done at Oasis from someone that doesn't know the show very well. They used the rigs from the series and reused some old back grounds. The cross eyed eyes drive me crazy just looking at the still image from YouTube. One other thing I did not direct was the 3D CGI Arthur movie. It was made back around 2001. It was also terrible. It was called, My Missing Pal or something like that.

DL:That was called Arthur's Missing Pal and ended up being done funnily enough in Vancouver at Mainframe Entertainment, the same guys who did ReBoot! You know Mainframe?

GB:That's right. We pitched to do that but it was pretty clear that it was only a token that they let us pitch even though they were going to put it through Mainframe. Even when pitched the producer Lion's Gate in Vancouver was part of the project. So they just put the job in their own production company. I think there was also something about the production being from the US, because a few of the actors violated the union rules and worked on the show without authorization from the union. The director I believe was from the US. We were working on a way to do the show using mocap which would have been really suitable I think . Pal obviously could not be mo cap. About that same time we did this bizarre thing called You are Arthur. You could send a photo of your kid to this company and they would put your kind on the body of an animated character so it would be in the cartoon. It was really weird looking and I believe they didn't pay the bill in the end. We did the animation part of it and the character had a cross hair of the cursor to position the photo head onto the character. It was not a highlight of my career.I remember watching ReBoot. It was the first CGI tv series I recall. I knew some animators that I went to school with that worked there.

DL:A lot of VAs except for Arthur,DW and Buster in the film were replaced by Anime voice actors from Naruto and Cowboy Bebop from the US. It was directed by the Director of the Beavis and Butthead movie and storyboarded by Dan Haskett, Larry Leker, Lenord Robinson and Rich Arons!Like some very big names were in this film!

GB:I liked the B&B Movie. I don't know why they made such a cheap Arthur movie. It looked really cheap. It was shocking. I don't know those storyboard artists. Again they could have just used the storyboard artists that already worked on the series. They are all freelance and would have been available if it was off season or maybe even have done it if the pay was good. If they had such good talent why did it come out so incredibly bad? I don't think it's just me. I showed it to other people not connected with the show and they said it was unwatchable. Something must have been happening behind the scenes for them to produce that. Did you think it was ok?

DL: boring plus I felt that it was disconnected from the show. Also those Storyboarders were from Disney and Warner Bros. Dan Haskett animated Ariel and Belle from The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast for crying out loud!

GB:It's funny about the feature. When we won the first Emmy I remember sitting with Ron Weinburg and saying that we should make a feature. It didn't even need to be fancy but we had all the ducks in a row at that point. Joe Fallon was still working on the show and we were animating at Akom and we had an incredibly large fan base. He wasn't really well connected to find funding for a feature but if we had just made a large size tv episode at that point it would have been amazing and really true to the series.It's funny about the feature. When we won the first Emmy I remember sitting with Ron Weinburg and saying that we should make a feature. It didn't even need to be fancy but we had all the ducks in a row at that point. Joe Fallon was still working on the show and we were animating at Akom and we had an incredibly large fan base. He wasn't really well connected to find funding for a feature but if we had just made a large size tv episode at that point it would have been amazing and really true to the series.An animator from Disney does not necessarily make a good storyboard artist. It may look pretty with nice drawings but its really a different thing. Sometimes a person coming from one part of production like animation makes a bad storyboard guy because they draw scenes that are fun or cool to animate and they avoid other things that are hard but that doesn't make a good film. It's like a good layout artist does not always make a good BG designer. It's hard to stop trying to make the job easy for the layout team. That's why often the storyboard artists come from illustrators and comic book artists. Does that make sense?

DL:How was winning that Daytime Emmy back in 1999? Were you up on stage getting the trophy or was it Ron or Michelle? Also were they with you?

GB:Definitely I was up on stage. It was incredible when we won that first year. I don't think Micheline came. I remember I was so excited that I ran down the aisle with my arms up over my head screaming. The next year on the Emmy commercial they showed that clip of me looking like a crazy guy. I even got a mention in IMDB for that little 2 second long shot of me in that commercial. WE really didn't think we would win. The fans loved us but we weren't from LA and shows from there always won before that. We also didn't have such an amazing budget as the other finalists. I remember watching the little clips they show when the names of the finalists and our clip looked so boring compared to these big music extravaganzas that the other shows had from WB and Disney. I think that was the year we also won the Peabody and got the award on the same weekend. The Emmys were fun in those days when you were with all the soap opera stars walking down the cordoned off street in NY on the way to the gala. Later years they just put the kid's shows in with the craft category awards, such as the best hairdresser or nail technician in a talk show. One year we had to eat dinner in a back room at Madison Square gardens and it absolutely stunk because the circus was just in town and they used that room as the barn for the elephants. I don't know if you ever smelled an elephant but it's pretty pungent.

DL:You got the clip? Because I need to see it.

GB:Not sure. I think I once had it on a vhs at best. I tries finding the clip online once, but with no luck

DL:Ah ok, so you were a supervising director for HouseBroken for FOX and Bento Box.How was communicating from Montreal to Los Angeles?

GB:That's a bit a jump in my timeline but I loved working at Bento Box. Unfortunately I wasn't the supervising director. I was an animation timing director. It was during the covid days so I think most everyone was working from home at that time. At least the department was all working online.Sorry I'm all over the place. I just found the daytime Emmy award clip from 2000.

Greg shows me a promo for the 2000 daytime Emmy’s on ABC. Greg is the man throwing his hands up at 0:14.

Yes that’s him!

I guess I exaggerated. It's more like 20 frames long, not 2 seconds.

DL:Were you the guy in the crowd? No wait, are you the guy who's throwing his hands up?

GB:Yeah I'm that handsome guy putting his hands up coming down the aisle.

DL:You musta felt great like you won the Super Bowl!

GB:Yeah I looked pretty crazy there. Everyone else in all those clips look so well behaved and composed but I think for me it really was a surprise. I felt like none of the others in our group could believe it and no one was moving even though the time restraint of getting up there for the award is really tight. Everyone just seemed frozen so I jumped up and raised my arms hoping to get energized enough to get up on stage and get it over with. The next year I did the acceptance speech and that's another highly embarrassing moment. I was so incredibly nervous and it showed a lot. I could hardly speak and I remember looking out at the crowd and a woman was gesturing upwards. I thought she meant to speak louder but she really meant that I didn't need to lean over and put my mouth beside the mic. I think if she hadn't distracted me I probably would have passed out instead.

DL:Can you describe to me what an animation timer is? What does it mean?

GB:Remember I mentioned working in Tokyo when I was young working on sheet direction and dialog. Anyway the animation timing director indicated frame by frame on the x-sheet how long the animation for each movement takes. So everything from walking footsteps to the length of a turn how many frames for a blink or whatever moves. Effects or characters or when the pans or zooms happen. So on Housebroken the big thing was that they always had a million characters on screen at once. It was the trademark of the series. So each character is timed in a separate column and if the characters interact then they need to be coordinated. The shows are pretty closely timed out by that stage so you cut the scene to the right length and time each scene. In the old days of traditional animation all series had to do timing and also lip sync because the work went to Asia. Now it is only some high end shows for primetime that still do animation timing. And lip sync is only provided for shows that are animated by non native English speakers. The big difference now from when I didn’t this earlier is that the timing on House Broken was done using Harmony so you could add or change the drawings in the panels on the storyboard. which was a nice addition of control for the timing director. It also makes it harder to find someone to do the job.

DL:Also, What did you think about the show?Did you like the concept of a dog running a therapy group with pets?

GB:I really loved that series. For one thing it was an adult (as compared to children's) and it was prime time. So the quality was really good and it was a really good change for me after a lot of years of doing kids TV. The writing was super and the acting was quite amazing. Lisa Kudrow is one of my favorite TV actors ever since that episode of Kimmy Schmidt where she played Kimmy's delinquent mother. The animation was painful because of all the crowd scenes but if you just accept that on day one it's fine. It was the thing they were going for. I liked the humor because it wasn't just sophomoric style of humor like most current adult shows. The platonic relationship, (because they are neutered pets), between Honey and Chief made for a really interesting buddy type relationship. It was funny to hear the pets all speaking in English and describing all their neurotic issues and it made a lot of sense considering the weird life that house pets need to live. It's a pretty unnatural way for these animals to live with people that expect so much from them. You knew something was going to be kind of messed up when Lisa Kudrow was playing the part of group therapy leader. She always acts like she is one step away from the loonie bin herself and to be the advisor to the group was pretty funny in itself. It was a really good show and had a lot of good comedians.

DL:I like that show because I thought the animation was good and that the character designs were cute and appealing. Compared to other series like Family Guy and Rick and Morty which every adult animated series based their style on nowadays.

GB:Agreed! Though I just saw an article from 11 days ago saying Fox has canceled the show. Not too surprising because it's been shut down for a few years now. It stopped at the start of the writers strike which was the end of the production season by coincidence. Too bad. I liked it because it was better humor than just everything being too fast and constantly gross jokes. There aren't many shows like that for adults. Like I said, most stuff is very sophomoric.

DL:Weird because I remember that there was a hiatus in like 2022 and season 2 was coming out in 2023.Guess they backtrack on that then.

GB:My work ended on Nov 1 2022. They would have still been animating for a few more months after that. So it must have wrapped somewhere around Feb 2023. I hope I have my years right. The numbering was confusing to me. Season one had already aired when I started and they were almost at the middle of this combined season 2/3 when I started. There was no break between 2 and 3 for production but I thought they were going to roll out a season 3 by separating those shows. I'm not really sure and would not be the person in the know for that.