#art-sniveling

[mrvelocipede]

Here’s the glamour shot of the doily I just finished, and I want to start with it because it’s such a contrast to all the steps it takes to get to the aesthetically-pleasing endpoint. It’s got me thinking about that post from a while ago about getting into hobbies cheaply, and also about the internet thing of only seeing the edited highlights of people’s lives, and assuming that they must be much cooler/luckier/more talented than you.

So I wanted to put together some carefully edited lowlights. Or at least a more complete view of the process.

To begin with, projects always have a stage where they look like this:

This is tiny, difficult to work with, unimpressive, and also wrong. I took the picture, then knitted a couple of brief rounds, and realized I’d screwed something up with the initial cast-on and the center wouldn’t close properly. I had to take it apart and start over.

I failed to take a picture of the finished doily once it was off the needles, but before it was blocked. It was the usual shriveled, lumpy blob that knitted lace always is. Most of the other kinds of things I’ve made also go through spells of being metaphorically shriveled, lumpy blobs. Those stages rarely get documented, because at the time I’m not thinking about taking pictures, I’m thinking about crumpling the whole project into a wad, setting it on fire, and kicking it down a stairwell.

It’s easy to be discouraged and give up at that point. I was pretty old before I learned not to abandon things just because they looked like hell, halfway through. Sometimes if I kept going, they would shape up and turn into something perfectly respectable. (Sometimes it wasn’t exactly what I’d planned at the beginning, but interesting all the same.)

So, blocking. I enjoy blocking, especially lace. Partly because of how much better it looks afterward, but also because I love tinkering with apparatus. I get to feel like a mad scientist, or an olde-timey inventor, or something. And also because lace is considered fancy and elegant, and the things I use for blocking very much aren’t, and I find the contrast delightful.

This is the crappiest hula hoop in the world. It’s too small and too lightweight to use for actual hula-hooping, but it’s great for doilies. The rubber-bands-and-paper-clips method of blocking has the advantage of equalizing the tension, so you don’t have to endlessly fiddle with adjusting the pins and hoping the end result will be symmetrical.

The Ravelry pattern page for this doily shows it blocked in a circle, while the one listed project has it shaped into a more angular pentagon. I was curious to see what it would do if left to settle itself into whatever shape it liked, and it seems to have split the difference.

When the doily is being stretched on the hoop, it looks incredibly lame. The hoop isn’t round, and the doily isn’t even centered properly for some reason, but ultimately that doesn’t matter.

Once it’s dry, and you take away all the ungainly rigging, there it is, a lace thing that looks like some kind of big deal.

And then it’s mostly a matter of waiting until the wretched sun finally comes out again, so you can get some decent pictures.

[if-you-heart]

some fucked up beasts including pre RoE heart. if you couldn’t tell I love drawing rage <3

[downsteepy]

hi my beautiful hampsome bf ally @tianhai03 drew this last month and i asked if i could color it and then i forgor until. today . so i colored it 👍 happy late halloween 👍👍👍👍👍

[trashrat11]

Made some humanized grimspawn trio designs

[mossymandibles]

Me at anyone describing ocean horror/themes as “Lovecraftian”

[narklos]

I’m a man of my word. 

(blame @abelard-tullus)

[bookmark-extraordinaire]

May I ask why it makes you mad?

I have long debated whether or not answering this ask, because I know it’ll make some people upset but fuck it, if I can’t even be true on my own personal blog then what’s the point?

That post made me mad because it plays in what I call the gentrification of punk. What once was a gritty, at times disgusting movement born of the lowest layers of British society, has now become a pastel uwu stay hydrated let’s all hold hands ghost of its former self. I’ve seen people with my own two eyes arguing that the punk movement is about kindness and it always has been, which is objectively untrue. “society sucks so I’m gong to be kind instead uwu” WRONG. Society sucks so in retaliation I will be even worse. Fuck you. Scared of being pelted? Bring a knife.

With that out of the way, I am aware that modern 2024 America society is different from 70s Britain and trying to retaliate to conservatives and/or the police will get you killed or worse. Times have changed, and I understand people prioritizing staying safe instead of “sticking it to The Man because society sucks and it’s all pointless anyway”. Movements and words lose their meaning as time goes on, and this is also true for punk, which has been dead at least since the 80s. I guess being mad at people’s watered down, sweet uwu bean neo-punk is my way of mourning it.

Anyway enough of me yapping, Snivelling Shits attack

[lucydoodlessometimes]

starfall

[gorillaxyz]

she and i didnt chat today i feel like a sad puddle... girl... girlllllllllllllllll come back to me...sniff

i still havent posted the new gift art I DONT WANT. TO BE. WEIRD. i dont want ro be too enthusiastic. bc last night i also commented on her profile asking her if shed heard of wait til your father gets home. i dont want to do too much

but she literally.... goes through anf comments bacj to back on some of my posts sometimes... im just shy UGGGGGGHHHH i wish i could start convos and stuff without feeling likr a freak. girl. grayson. understand my psychic message. SPEAK TO ME. dm me on roblox or something girl i promise i dont sctually talk THAT much i promise im normal give me a chance

[theladygazingatemptiness]

like I’m literally the only one of your fucking children who's on unambiguously good terms with you despite all of the shit you put me through as a child (that I’m sure you either conveniently ~don’t remember~ even though I know that you could write a detailed novel about every time I’ve ever fucked up or you Don’t Think Was Bad) and I was literally the only one of us who’s consistently shown you support and kindness during the past ten years and ever since you’ve moved in with us (because YOU couldn’t afford to pay rent) I’ve been nothing but understanding and I haven’t protested or complained Once about it and have ensured you multiple times that you aren’t being invasive and etc and I’m the Only One Of Us who kept in touch with you and told you good night while you were in the hospital and when my sister was being verbally abusive to you I gave you a fucking shoulder to cry on every single time and denounced her over and over again and not to mention I was literally The Only One Of Us who willingly volunteered to go on a special boat cruise with you on your 50th birthday (despite the fact that being away from home overnight makes me anxious and you Know it does) but yeah you go ahead and just keep on ignoring that and fixating on everything I’m Not doing right and telling me how I Don’t Actually Love You (and don’t say that you never said that shit because that’s all “You’re Not Giving Me The Love I Give You” could possibly mean.) And How Miserable I Make You (and don’t say you didn’t say that shit either!!) or w/e and keep on lumping me in with someone who literally threatened you and called you a broke bitch and a hoe!!!! whatever fucking makes you feel better!!!!!!

[downsteepy]

badonkers

[otterpop-z]

idk who on planet earth is thinking about Mad Men but I’ve been binging it and I fucking HATE. Pete Campbell

[thesnivy123]

I think if i start posting hatchetfield stuff im gonna have to make up my own tag i dont want to contend with that fandom. ugh. my asexual ass just wants to go five seconds without any pair the spares bullshit.

cant fucking believe they said i have no whimsy bc... i think its weird that people are shipping characters that are very explicitly childlike? and then denying that? Like dude its not even subtext have you SEEN wiggly

hgh

[spilladabalia]

The Tubs - Sniveller

[viridescentelf]

In your debt

Young druid Halsin x Reader

Ever since I saw the young Halsin art above by @ozumii-fucking-wizard, I have been obsessively staring at his gorgeous damn face (thank you so much for this version of him, I am hopelessly in looooooove)!

Enjoy young Halsin healing you~

Part 2

Warning: Blood, Violence, Swearing

-----

You ventured through the forest, wanting to escape the loud bustle of the city. Carrying your heavy instrument on your back, you strode through the man-made trail into the thicket, to your usual spot you decided was your permanent hideaway.

You knew the forest was home to a druidic group, who adopted young lost children. You never encountered any druids on your many trips here, but you knew they were aware of you: sometimes you found some foraged fruit and vegetables at your spot, packaged neatly with strings or in small sacks. Someone left you these gifts. You assumed they liked your music, since you often came into the woods to practice some new songs you were crafting. You weren’t sure if the children were this fond of you or if it was some druid who kept leaving trinkets. It didn’t matter really, you were grateful nonetheless.

Today, you hadn’t found anything left for you. This wasn’t too unusual; you never ventured here expecting to receive anything. You let the strand of your instrument slide down your arm, placing it next to your seat by the large oak. It was clear this spot wasn’t really used by others, the print of you sitting in the dirt only really matched yours. It always seemed undisturbed, like you left it, with the occasional gifted sack placed there.

You gazed at the lake, where fireflies danced happily over the dawn lit water. It was another pleasant morning and you took a deep breath, enjoying the lovely fresh air you rarely got to inhale. Baldur’s Gate was lively and exciting, but you were always drawn back to this place.

You started plucking the strands of your lute, absentmindedly, taking in the sunrise as the rays warmed your face. You felt the trees sway with your music, as if they were welcoming you back. The forest seemed more alive here and had a distinct personality. Childlike glee vibrated through the branches. The tranquility of this area made you sink back into the tree, leaning against its strong body.

Something boomed in the distance. You sat up with a jolt. Normally, the only sounds you heard here were twigs breaking or the wind whizzing through the glade. You looked around, trying to locate the source of the noise.

Another blast. This time, there was shouting that followed. Some sounded panicked, some aggressive.

You got to your feet, frantically, staring into the distance where you thought the brutal noises were ebbing from. There were screams now. And they sounded young.

Without really thinking, you started sprinting towards the cries. Clutching your lute in one hand at your side to keep it from knocking your hip, you darted through the brush. There were children screaming and wailing, getting louder and louder the faster you ran towards them. A loud, ugly voice was yelling at them.

There were other more distant shock waves bellowing: an ambush? Were the druids under attack?

You heard the angry voice thunder in front of you, as you slid behind a birch tree.

“Move it, you little shits! Or I’ll cut yer hands off!”, a goblin with a bloody handprint across his face snarled at a group of mixed children, who were huddled together, sniveling and trembling uncontrollably. He pointed a curved, dirty blade at their backs, as they sheepishly shuffled along.

“Can’t we just kill them and drag their corpses? They’re so fucking slow…” Another smaller goblin groaned, walking in front of the hostages.

“No, the drows say they need new slaves. We need ‘em alive,” he pushed a small tiefling in front of him, who let out a terrified shriek, “Faster! Before the stinkin’ druids catch up.”

They passed the birch tree, which was rooted opposite a cliffside. The rapids below reverberated up, making it hard to hear clearly.

Goblins were attacking the druids, the far sounds of crashing and clanging meant a fierce battle was commencing.

“They won’t be able to hold them back much longer, Izick,” the short goblin at the front was standing close to your hiding spot. You peered through the branches and saw the poor souls quivering wildly. Their faces were cut and stained with blood. You deduced whoever was watching over them had been murdered in front of them.

You weren’t a fighter. But you couldn’t let them take the children.

The small goblin turned to face the group; his back facing the tree. You grasped your lute hard, making the skin around it paler. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself for guaranteed pain.

This was an expensive instrument, too.

You pounced out of the woods into the clearing and slammed the lute onto the head of the unassuming goblin. It broke over his fat head, but the velocity had done its job. He fell to the side with a loud thud, letting out a last, gurgled groan. You kept hitting him with the remaining pieces of your improvised weapon, making sure he was dead. The blood pooled around him.

Izick was already running towards you, having pummeled through the victims without care, who all fell to the ground and held their heads to the dirt, whimpering and horrified.

You dodged the first swing of his blade, but knew instantly this wasn’t a fight you could win. You had nothing to fight with, except your fists, and you dared not get close to him as she flourished his disgusting weapon.

The goblin roared as he jumped towards you. You collided and felt a scorching pain in your stomach. He had gotten you, deep in your belly. You screamed. You both fell to the ground near the edge of the cliff. The goblin tried to pull the blade back out while he sat on top of you, but it was stuck. Izick cursed at you, although no insult really reached your ears. Your entire body centered around the searing wound in your abdomen.

The children were petrified. You saw the tears roll down their faces as they watched the pathetic scuffle. If you failed, they would suffer endlessly. You couldn’t allow him to kill you, before you saved them.

He lifted his fists to pummel you. His face was etched with determination, he would beat you to death if he had to.

Your arm moved instinctively. You grabbed his collar, before his fists met your face, and leaned your entire body weight to the side, where the roaring river called to you. It was the only way.

You felt the wind whistle past your ears as you fell with the goblin in your grasp to the depths. You both crashed into the icy water and you felt him drift away, as the muffling water slowed everything. Your body was being pulled to the side, the current dragging you uncaringly down the river. It pulled you violently from one side to the other, not tiring of its new toy, pushing you up and down like a ball. Weightless, you floated and let it take control, unable to do anything else.

Your thoughts silenced. The cold of your surroundings embraced you and you had no strength to resist. The pulsating pain from the blade kept you awake, barely.

After a while, you felt yourself bob up, your head bracing the surface. The sudden blaring of the river crashed into your ears as you gasped for air. Your eyes blurred. The water seemed to settle into a lazy tempo. You didn’t know how, but you kept your head above water. You saw red puddles waft after you.

The current carried you to a small bank, discarding you there as it continued on. You lay on the muddy earth, motionless, staring at the piercing blue sky that seemed to beckon you towards it. The blade still stuck out of you, you saw it move up and down as you breathed shakily. You couldn’t keep your eyes open much longer.

Your heavy lids fell, darkening everything. The pain slowly left, too.

You were dying. And you were accepting it.

Before the complete darkness, you felt tiny hands pressing on your aching belly. That spot felt warm and kind, as the last of your wits evaded you.

Quiet. Emptiness. Nothing.

Halsin’s lips clasped yours, as he breathed into your mouth, holding your nose. The moss on your puncture was absorbing the excess blood. The vile blade lay discarded to the side, already carefully pulled from you.

You convulsed and coughed out, life filling your face first and then gradually seeping into your weak limbs.

You blinked hard and opened your weary eyes.

Halsin met your gaze and placed a hand on your cheek, as his other etched glyphs into the air.

“You’re going to be alright…”, he said softly, as a green mist appeared suddenly from his hand, which he lowered down to your injury.

“Breathe…”, he commanded gently. You obeyed and took a shaky breath. Your body felt heavy. Even breathing was difficult.

You felt his hand pressing on your abdomen. Whatever he was doing, the agony was quieting because of it slowly. You watched him as he attended to your mortal wound.

He was beautiful. A few braided pieces of his long, honey hair fell effortlessly next to his face. The jade eyes were focused, but there was an air of kindness about them. You squinted at the embroidery on his attire. This was one of the druids.  He looked young, but the elf ears suggested he might be older than he appeared.

You attempted to speak, but could only let out feeble coughs.

“Don’t speak. This will take a bit to close up”, he looked down at you and smiled kindly. You blinked as a response, taking another deep breath as you felt the pain flee your body.

There was a brief silence, the only sound was the hypnotic whirring of his enchantments.

“You did something truly courageous back there. The children told me. They recognized you, the singer in the woods…they often spoke about you at bedtime”, he chuckled briefly, “Didn’t expect I’d meet you under these circumstances.”

You watched him, as he seemed to reminisce fondly. So, it was the children who left you gifts at your spot?

His other hand swished and another cloud of green wafted out of it. He placed that hand next to the other on your stomach.

“I am in your debt. You saved the little ones, when they were not your burden. Truly, you’re a real hero.”  

You didn’t know how to respond. You were also more than confused as to how he found you so quickly. You felt like you had been drifting in that river forever. And the druids lived deep within the forest.

Who in the Hells was this elf anyway?

“You are exceedingly lucky. Thaniel found you and tended to you before I made it here.”

You raised an eyebrow, coughing again.

“Oh, haha. Thaniel is the forest spirit here. He seems quite fond of you.”

A forest spirit? Your exhausted brain couldn’t process that thought. You couldn’t really contest the idea either.

The druid lifted his hands briefly, checking how far along the healing process was. Deciding it needed more time, he repositioned his palms. You observed him for a while in silence as he concentrated on the regeneration of your tissue. He was huge. You felt like a child next to him.

“Wh-who are you…” you croaked out faintly.

He turned to you, his eyes softening with a calm smile.

“I’m Halsin,” he put one hand on your shoulder to keep you down, as you tried to sit up at the response. It didn’t take much strength to keep you there. He smiled more widely, then turned his attention back to his task.

Halsin. You had heard that name before. Whispered by folk in the area, he was famous for his incredible healing abilities and knack for getting captured. You only knew one druid by name and that was him. A druidic protégé, yes. A fierce warrior, yes. But a bit different. People in town talked about the impulsiveness of the young druid, which caused the other, older druids to scratch their heads in frustration at his unpredictability. And that‘s who was healing you right now?!

Gods, you never imagined he’d be this dreamy.

You were probably dreaming. No, you were dead. Definitely.

No being was this beautiful.

[lilimalia]

MOURNFUL // zhongli

SYNOPSIS... how can a god with such a stain on her hand survive the eyes of her beloved. looking away from his own adoring gaze on a woman you could never be brings back the disdain you had tried so very hard to bury in your core. nothing you had ever done was good enough, right zhongli?

CHARACTERS... traveller/aether,, zhongli/morax,, streetward rambler,, guizhong,, cloud retainer/xianyun,,

DISCLAIMERS... angst ,hurt/comfort , sort of desperate love blinded reader, unrequited love female reader , series part III

BARISTA'S INTEL... This persons art style is too die for. Oh my goodness.

TAG LIST... @nightrayseishina , @hiqhkey , @aethscend , @kgogoma , @patchi-chi , @ittosoneandoniwife , @neverlandlostchild , @milkiemei , @seyboo , @lumpywolf , @simpcreator , @rjreins , @chuusposts , @thelonelyarchon , @iiyumiii , @gellitu @almighty-raiden-shogunate , @plusea , @swivi , @juminsamore , @hekkappo , @tanspostsblog , @mysteriouslydelightfulchaos , @binar-es , @loyal-mad-dog , @heeseung-lover686 , @anniejourn , @yelshin , @floffytofu , @yuminako

CAFE TUNE... Where Is My Love // SYML

Your heart aches overwhelmingly, its beat sending out signals that tear you down an inch for inch. The longer you stay in the warmth of embracement from Cloud Retainer the more you fear to turn even your head towards him.

Zhongli whose voice breaks into as he calls for you.

"[Name]..."

"Won't you look at me, old friend?..."

The sound of his melodramatic voice rings across the blooming city. You see the flickers of lights and lanterns, floating into the air as prayers are set and blessings are wished for in the corner of your eye. The world around is stilling to a pause as you nuzzle deeper into Cloud Retainer's chest. Her arms tightened in, wrapping in a way that almost made you break in half. Her own heart is beating rapidly, thumping in pace with yours as you feel her protection rule over your own emotions. It's daunting to sit still, waiting for whatever would snap you out of it.

"[Name]? Where have you been all these years? This, Ms. Xianyun, had this been arranged before? This gathering, had you known? Duànzào?... why." he's whimpering it almost feels like. The closest you've ever seen the great Rex Lapis stumble. His words broke and shifted under the weight of the thick air.

It almost tore your heart how he called your name. Like a beckon, a beg, a sob for you. But the use of a name for the very woman you had confided in for so long, that you hadn't recognized, resounded in your head. The space between your past and their present.

The present you had missed out on for so long.

A sob you'd had hoped to hear from his lips for so very long. The way he kept repeating over his own words unceremoniously, in a mantra.

You.

You had broken him like this.

If you turned around now, could you face him as the man he was to you? The man he was, but now is?... Could you look him in the eye and take in the way your heart shattered in your own mind. The way its pieces couldn't hold together, not even with the strongest binding made by immortals?

Was he even still a god?

His footsteps are nighing, every clink of his boots drawing your racing heart to a deafening stop. It feels like no shield could halt his nearing presence. Your eyes watering in small candescent drips, your cheeks burn and ache as you desperately try to lodge yourself back into the comforting cradle of your friend- no, Xianyun. A name newly bitter on your tongue.

Yet another thing that has changed. While you remain stagnant in your fickle emotions that tore your body down like a potter’s reclaimed porcelain clay.

Over and over your feelings run through you, recycling what could’ve, would’ve, should've, happened.

“Turn around Morax. There is no... There is no Duànzào here, she’s long died in the aftermath of war all those centuries ago."

“And yet I see her ghost haunt me right as I breathe and stand.”

He’s muttering again, his stupid melodic voice sniveling as his cold, so very cold hand, pulls you away gently from your tight hold on Xianyun’s waist.

When had you even found it in you to grapple around her like that? It was as if you were unconscious of even what your own body sought out to seek.

Cloud Retainer’s eyes are darting towards your feeble state, watching ever so reluctantly as she withholds herself from you. Glancing up as your eyes pathetically glance away from her gaze. For you to come so far in your tantrum only to feel the shame crawling up your legs now. The irony was comedic. Almost.

"One hopes that you are able to find the peace you've barren yourself from [Name]"

In a small scoff, she steps back into the shadows cast by Liyue’s ever-glistening moonlight watching keenly as Zhongli’s outstretched hand that’s been placed on your shoulder breathlessly withdraws. In the back of your mind, your fears are endless, but as you turn to face the man you once knew, they silence.

Every gnawing apprehension you had held tied itself down in chains. His marble eyes watching over you in such agony it almost took you back.

The way his lips thinned into each other, pressed firmly as his face hardened and connected with your own eyes. The swaying light that loomed above and cascaded down onto the ground from the lanterns made his eyes almost shine like jewels cast out from ore…

But try as you might, no bewitching sight could take away the scene that laid itself in front of you, Zhongli’s stern look as his eyes, oh his eyes, melted. Pure unadulterated throbbing pain flashing through his milky sunsettia colored eyes. Not a single word spoken and yet, staring into his face for the first time in centuries conveyed words you could never dream of speaking out loud.

It burned to even glance over him, he looked so… Disgusting. Disappointed, disappointed in you. The longer you watched his face flicker in all sorts of turmoils, the harder it became to even face him with a single word. He was angry in a way you had never seen before, anger that flashed in his eyes and yet washed over with want and defeat. His eyes, they told so much and yet so little, what would he say? When he found out you had killed the very beloved woman he trusted by his side?

What would he say, when he learned about you?

The whole of you that you could never share to any god nor man. The disgusting part of you that you had so miserably prayed would have frozen and stoned away in the amber penitentiary you had locked yourself away in.

“Ms. Xianyun, I believe it would only be right if you left us to our duties. It seems there are many things I have left to settle with this dear acquaintance of mine.” If a man as graceful as Zhongli were to ever feel wrath, you supposed this would be it.

His voice is sharp and toned, in a way that was uncharacteristically seething. As he sharply turns away your only barrier from his fury. Adeptal strength carrying Xianyun's body elsewhere from what you could feel.

You need not even look, as you feel the presence of your savior nod and blend skillfully away from the alley.

Sucking in a breath, you’ve steeled your eyes sharply against Zhongli’s.

It’s time you’ve faced your greatest enemy.

…

His boots are sharply stepping towards you. Agonizingly clicking,

One

Two

Three

Steps he takes. Glaring at you, seething through his pursed lips as he backs you into the wall.

While you may be a goddess, in all your might and power, you are still a goddess under Morax the Archon of Geo.

“You. In that great calamity all those years ago, Cloud Retainer had said you had perished amid battle, disappeared in the war. She had pronounced to me, to everyone that you had sacrificed yourself heroically to save the men who called your name and prayed you’d sharpen their blades and brandish their spears-“, he pauses, taking one long, dignified step, caging you finally into the wall as his breath swooned around you.

The air was so dense with tension, you wondered if he had played some all godly trick to hold the air.

His breath is still tantalizing staining you, piercing right through you as his face inches in closer in such clear detail it shocks you to your core.

Each and every breath he inhaled and exhaled, showed a puff of smoke against the clean cool air of the port. If it was Zhongli’s mortal breath or the angry puffs of smoke from an upset Rex Lapis Loong it was hard to tell at this point. It felt almost... Sacrilegious, to speak.

"Imagine my surprise, when I find that the very god these mortals partake in blessing, comes to stand on the very day of the Lantern Rite. Had you really spent all these years alive? The soldiers these people set out their lanterns for, to guide their ways home, was that you?...", he's yet to lay a single hand on you, simply towering over you with his stature, although it feels like you're trapped in a cage.

"Tell me [Name], had you demanded of Cloud Retainer to lie on your behalf?... Why would you leave us in ignorance of you?...."

"What would you like me to say Morax? No, I apologize, Zhongli. Would you like to hear that I had died in battle gracefully and yet have come back to part ways? Or would you instead like to hear of my betrayals, the life I lost in that war? What would please you to hear my dear Zhongli?" your words held such bitterness to him that it almost shook you. Taciturn words laced over your tongue as you spat your disdain at him.

Its no wonder you couldn't ever face the reality of him.

Doesn't it feel childish to you [Name]? Aren't you ashamed? Aren't you ashamed of this act you're putting on?

He's not replying. He's not even moving.

You realize.

You're scared.

Scared out of your mind, falling again into a pit of overwhelming, surging, urge to run away. Your body won't move, you can't run even if you wanted to.

It is before he speaks, that he finally seems to snap out of his own trance, that his cold, so very cold, hand takes to your cheek. Landing softly on the side of your jaw, reeling you in so wretchedly close. His breathing stilling to a slow, shakingly let loose. Even in this state of distraught, he's gorgeous in every way. His hands were warmer now, stroking from your jaw to your cheek pulling you in closer by the minute. Your foreheads touch, as he lowers his gaze from your cheek to your grey eyes, now pooling in a mix of [e/c] the longer he holds you. As he stares, there's some mixed emotion you can't figure out, the closeness of it all, was this purely the effect of a friend?

Is it wrong to hope he means for more?

"I... I miss you."

.

.

.

With every ounce of your being, a strangled cry let loose, this forlorn cacophony not even slaughter could bring.

Your wailing, sobs wrench themself out of your lungs, caged from all those years ago as you refuse to hold him in the moment of your weakness. Haunted by the ghost of you, you that you could never explain to anyone, not Cloud Retainer, not Zhongli, not Streetward Rambler. A dam built up and broken down by the hurt you felt, forgotten and cast aside, only to be torn down by the gentle embrace he hugged you in.

But Zhongli, as godly as he was, had never looked as ethereal as he did now. That same so longing look disappeared as his eyes closed, silence speaking louder, thrumming harder, as he pulled you closer into his arms.

Is this what old friends do? You’d like to ask.

It doesn’t feel like it.

He’s leading you on, trapping you in this cozy little cage he’s made. Pressing you against his chest as the symphony of his heartbeat strums a rhythm so ruthlessly seductive that your sniffling chokes to a stop.

He’s yet to say a word.

But your struggling to say less.

The tears that run down your face stain his garments. Loose wet pools splayed out onto the rough silk embellished coat he wore. But yet he holds you, falling forward into the wall as his heart continues to fiddle its melody.

A century felt like nothing as the man of your qualms held you so adoringly.

So you stand, you stand as you weep, grieving the person you lost. Grieving the woman you were, regretting the man you had given up your life for. So you stand, weeping for the person you trapped away in a prison you designed. As you stand, as you stand a cry, he holds, holds tightly, cradles gently. Pushing against the wall as his hands wrap tenderly around the space of your back. Rubbing up and down, stroking with his thumb as he begins to breath in a deep sigh.

You’ve yet to see his expression, has it changed? Is he… angry? With you?

“How lonely I must have made you feel Duànzào”, his hands stopped. Instead returns to his side as he steps back, looking you in the eye.

It takes every bone you have in your body not to follow his figure forward, wrap yourself back into the solace you’ve newly accustomed too.

“I apologize [Name], for not being the proper pillar you needed.” Now, he bows, deep all the way down as he lifts his head up slightly to return your soaked eyes.

It takes a few minutes to process his apology. Watching as he holds his breath and waits for your permission for him to raise.

Isn’t this what you wanted?

It didn’t feel right, did it?

“Can you fix me?” Your asking, reaching a hand out limply, curling your fingers in as you take in his cheek.

“Can’t you fix me now?”

When he rises, he only looks deeper in anguish. Looking shamefully away as darkened black shadows of people pass by.

Another tear drips, watching as he fails to answer.

“Truthfully… I am not sure. How can I, Rex Lapis, fix another god? When I am imperfect myself.”

“But you aren’t, you aren’t imperfect.” You're gasping out, surprised by his degenerative words.

“Your gorgeous Mor- Zhongli. Your are so beautiful it hurts. It hurts to stand here and beg you to save me when I've cast myself out away by my own accord.” The words you're spewing out don’t sound like yours. They feel like the storytellers, the watchers, the observers.

“Don’t you understand Zhongli?… I am the imperfect one, I am the forsaken god. The flaw in your flawless self.”

What overtakes you now, you're not sure, but it embarrasses you. Stomping down on your every hurt, as the tears stop rushing down your face. Your clothes are stained dark as the cool air breezes over them. Leaving you to shiver in their sharpness. You're asking questions you don't know the answer to, you're begging for an answer that isn't there. You're wishing he'd look at you and say he knows how to fix you when you know the problem and its solution.

When he looks at you now, his eyebrow perks up, the pools that decorated his eyes glowed with sudden sparked curiosity.

“How could you ever be flawed?", he asks. This genuine tone in his voice peeks in confusion as he takes to lifting your chin again. Beckoning you to look up at him, take his glory as those glowing eyes scan over you. Taking in your fault, your flaw, as you're stained in your own tears, shaking under the breezy wind, broken down into something. Something less than a god.

"When Cloud Retainer spoke of your death, she left much vague," he starts, rubbing your face over and over again, soothing your hasty breaths down from your panic.

"Would it be wrong to assume, instead, that you had fled? Had I, Rex Lapis, so horribly failed at being an Archon you could depend on that you had taken to running away from us all?"

"Was I, what you feared?"

If there were tears left to cry, they've fled and left you stranded. Why is it that to explain how it tore you inside out that you, the divine, couldn't sedate the coarse emotions that ran through you, felt like driving a stake down your heart. How could you ever admit that in the face of calamity, in fear you ran from your responsibilities, hiding away from your problems.

Staring now, back into his eyes, your [e/c] felt dull in comparison.

"Would you believe me, if I told you when I fled, I fled from myself?"

"I can't seem to understand... Please, won't you elaborate?" he perks up, raising a questioning brow.

"I loved you. Once."

...

When he looks at her, the memory of her death flashes through his mind like venom. The dripping cold sweat that had run down his face when he had heard from his dear old trusted ally that you had not returned home.

He remembers that somber night after the news of your passing.

"One is sorry that one was not there to save her in time Rex Lapis. If only one had been there under her arms to aid", Cloud Retainer had responded, sitting side by side with him on the peak of Mt. Aozang on the stone-carved stools.

As she poured steaming tea down into his small cup, softly held in his hands, she looked up at the moon. Hot osmanthus tea shined in pearl-like wonder as they both shared a clink of cups in honor of their fallen comrades.

His eyes are welling into tears, his vision of the rabbit moon blurring the longer he stares.

He weeps for her.

"Rex Lapis... She had died valiantly for our sakes. One wishes you to at least feel peace of mind over that", Cloud Retainer nods, shakingly covering her eyes as she adjusts her red rim glasses. Hiding away the shed of a tear behind the disguise of it.

When two gods tinker and drink to their loss, he is left reminded that in the deep dark of the night two had not returned to join their banter.

Where were those to share the memory?

He is reminded that they are no longer there.

...

So when he looks deep into the god he had for so long thought had died, there's a mournful feeling he can't seem to shake away.

When you had died, had he missed you more then he missed Guizhong?

When you had left him so wrongfully that night, had he weeped because he loved you?

"I loved you. Once"

She said, clear as running water, yet as full of desperate anguish as a soldier in their last battle.

Does he love you? Is he the reason you had thought there was no other escape except for death?

He's yet to process his feelings, perplexed and lost. He's swimming in grief so deeply sewn into his wounds that it's almost impossible to grasp that there is love in her.

The timing isn't right. He can't do this here. Not now, he doesn't understand it all.

But her eyes, stare back at him, despairingly grabbing at him, not with her hands, but with her gaze, reeling him in. Pleading at him to understand, but he doesn't. He can't.

It hurts to even look her in the eye.

Can't she see how much she's done to him? The way she's brought an Archon even to her feet.

"When you had left, had you flee because you loved me?",

Did she run away, did she run away from him?

So why did she come home?

"I'm... Not sure. I'm not sure at all Zhongli."

"Would you hate me if it was?"

In him, he fails to find the words to describe it. The scattered emotions left out to dry ever since the Archon War. The bleeding heart and emotional wounds he's never healed from. Scars that litter his body inside and out, because as god, he is cursed to live with them.

While he fails to find the words for the feelings he feels, he also struggles to say anything back. He could never hate her could he. Not when he had been so graciously granted a second chance at her, at them and the memories.

As long as he stares, he fails to pinpoint what he feels for her. He closes his eyes, letting his body soothe. Releasing the tension he hadn't noticed developed in his shoulders. Letting the whole of his body relax.

He steps forward, opening his eyes, grabbing her face.

"I cannot give you an answer when I have yet to fully face what has happened. But if I could be so bold to make a request in your honor," he pauses, watching tenderly as you soften under his clasp. Breathing in hard as your eyes connect again for the longest time.

"Allow me to face you," he leans in, noses touching.

"Allow me to take the you that you have demonstrated to me this fateful night. Show me the you I could not receive, and I will seep it in with my whole being," lips closing in painfully slow,

"Allow me to try and love you my dear [Name]."

He closes his eyes, the last image of you being as your eyes widen in surprise at his closeness, and tenderly places his lips against yours. Grazing his hands ever so gently on your cheeks as he sinks into you, encasing your lips with his own. Soft and warm as he presses you up against the wall, softly stroking your cheek as he blindly collapses against you. Only opening his eyes once more when he's felt that the last of his breath fails to hold.

A tear trickles down your face, and he prays that it'll be the very last one he causes.

"I think [Name], that Rex Lapis was a very unfortunate man to have lost you." He murmurs, stroking away the tear with the flick of his wrist. It flings with a shine.

"May I love you in his place?", he pauses, waiting for you to reply.

Deep down he fears he's lost you already,

His heart spikes as he fears he's crossed boundaries.

Only to suck in a breath as your lips collide once more. Gnawing desperately against his he's tilting his head to take in the sweet chaste kiss you share. Both of you breathing desperately as tears fall between you both, cold in comparison to your shaky warm exchange.

"I love you," He thinks.

AFTERMATH (bonus)

He's got you swept over his lap as he sits on the wooden bench. Gazing out longingly from the pavilion as he waits for the women behind him to seat down beside him. Sighing tiredly as he listens to the last of her prolonged recap.

"One is most surprised that you Zhongli had taken this long to realize she had the utmost adoration for you", Xianyun snickers, sitting down beside him as she too stares sweetly at your resting body. Taking in quickly the way the under bags of your eyes were puffy as well as the way your eyelashes were clumped up in barely noticeable bundles.

He shades his hand over her face away from her teasing look.

"I would have never thought that her distrusting glares and offish behavior had been from her belief that her love was unrequited..." he replies, awkwardly coughing as he shields his gaze conveniently up to the moon.

"Well, it would seem to One that you had never been good at personal affairs. After all, Duànzào had always been the diplomat." she chuckles, pouring from a steaming pot into two solid stone cups. Steam bubbled up in wisps as the aroma of herbs wafted into the air.

"I simply wish that you had not lied to me Ms. Xianyun"

"Oh? And what would the old Rex Lapis have done? Chased after her and corner her into confession? It's almost amusing to consider how you would have tormented the poor women", she chuckles, passing him the warm cup, as she takes her own in two palms.

"Mm... Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. For us immortals to be reunited after all these years." Blowing on the steam and inhaling the cup awkwardly to the side to avoid your face as your chest rose in every breath.

"Hmph! A blessing indeed."

As the both clink cups the stone reverts the sound. Sharing a sip of the new brew, their eyes glance up at the stunning moon. Intaking the silent night left after the joyful Lantern Rite activities.

As two gods sit in a breathtaking view, after a night of floating lanterns and fireworks shared between the old and new, they share a pot of brew.

Sighing in unison, both look adoringly at the peaceful figure laid adoringly draped upon one of their laps.

As a third god returns home to share the memories.

SPECIAL BREWS...

Loong // chinese word for dragon

Lanterns // one of zhongli's voiceline refers to how in the old days of Liyue during war people would light lanterns as a way for soldiers to find home, because many related the Goddess of the Forge (reader) to good armour when they would light these lanterns they would pray for a safe journey guided by (reader), zhongli assumes she helped guide their paths when presumably dead, this is untrue of course since she was trapped in prison (it was merely good fortune for most)

Diplomat // a reference to part II dialogue, during the old days as zhongli was considered more hard headed, (reader) would be in charge of negotiations, Xianyun references an old convo

BARISTA'S INQUIREMENT... as of 2024 this is now my longest fanfic, i want to give special thanks to everyone who patiently waited over a year for an update and I hope that this series ending fufilled at least some of your guys expectations. i am so proud that my tumblr journey starts and continues with this fanfic <3, thank you guys for reading!

word count. 4,017

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