#around and I won’t be as lonely anymore but that will never happen

[kavehater]

The blame is on me for being sappy to her and she doesn’t even acknowledge me anymore

[pepperyduck]

deadbeat - toji fushiguro

synopsis: too stupid and selfish for anything good to happen.

word count: 3.6k

warnings: angst, toji is an ass, marriage problems, arguements, pregnancy, like two paragraphs of smut, rushed relationships, ooc toji (probably), really bad writing, a bunch of timeskips cuz i'm lazy. (18+ mdni!)

notes: yeah this one is ass but i just wanted to make something sad/angry. much love! send me requests i'm begging </3.

edit: you can find pt. 2 here.

masterlist

 toji sits on a random bench downtown. he’s thinking. he thinks he’s too self-absorbed. and he’s rude, too rude for anyone to befriend him in a genuine way. he wishes he could change. toji’s left everyone in his life behind at some point. he gets overwhelmed sometimes, seeing all the people around him that more than likely have someone or something that keeps them going.

what does toji have? nothing. and it’s his own fault, too. he only has a stubbornness to him that won’t let him die. his mind is the only thing that keeps him going.

and then he sees you.

you plop down on the same bench, not next to him, but only a few feet away, rummaging through your bag to find something. you’re determined, not focused on the big scary man next to you. but to toji; you’re the first person in years that has sat next to him. he stares at you, as you still search for that something in your bag – your keys, toji sees you grab your keys. you look back up, finding toji staring at you, and he doesn’t break the contact with his eyes, he only continues to stare.

“are…you okay…?” you ask the man, giving him an awkward smile, “i’m sorry if i bothered you.”

once you speak, toji shakes his head, “no, no…you’re fine. i was just thinking,” toji says. you notice his gruff tone, yeah, it fits the way he looks perfectly. he’s muscular, and has dark, dark hair that matches the midnight sky with no stars. there’s also a bored look on his face, his eyes stay half-lidded, and his mouth sits in a natural frown. but he’s handsome, you think. very handsome. but it’s almost in an unconventional way – the scarring on his lips and overall structure of his face is like none other you’ve seen before.

call it love at first sight, call it whatever you want. but you felt a certain need for this man.

“thinking about what?” you ask, in an attempt to talk to him.

toji shakes his head again, “nothing important.”

you think that he probably has no interest in you, maybe you really did catch him off guard when you sat down next to him. but toji is thinking about how he’s never seen anyone like you, too, and he’s never had anyone willingly sit next to him and try to conversate. he thinks he’s too intimidating, and he is, to pretty much anyone else.

but you – you don’t get that from him. all you see is a possibly lonely, pretty man.

“what’s your name?” you question him again, cocking your head to the side.

“mm…toji,” he says, hesitantly.

“toji…” you repeat after him, mentally repeating his name over and over as to not forget it. toji can’t peel his eyes away from your lips as you mouth his name a couple times, the way they perfectly made an “o” shape for the letter in his name.

“uhm,” toji croaks, an unfamiliar feeling of nervousness in his chest, “what’s your name?”

when you tell him your name, toji sighs in relief. he’d always found it hard to have normal conversations, outside of those he had for work purposes, but this…this wasn’t so hard. he hadn’t wished to meet someone again in forever. but he wished now that he would see you again, even if it was passing on the street. toji hangs his head down, not knowing what to say anymore. these are difficult, odd, never-visited-before feelings for him.

maybe it was love at first sight for him, too. he doesn’t really know. not yet, at least.

“toji,” you repeat his name once more, and he lifts his head to look at you, “can i have your number, or something?” if you wanted to catch toji off guard, now, this is the way to do it.

toji’s mouth drops open slightly, “uh- sure,” he mutters, and he’s unable to stare at you anymore. you hand him an old receipt and a pen you kept in your bag, and he tries his hardest to remember the number of his apartment phone.

eventually, he writes it down, and you notice his penmanship definitely needs some work. nonetheless, you smile at toji, this time more genuine rather than awkward, and tell him you have to get going. toji only stares once more as you walk away, disappearing into the crowded sidewalk, his eyes linger on you for as long as possible.

toji was lonely. so, so pathetically lonely until you showed up.

“would you want to, like…see each other again?” you ask a drunk toji over the phone. his phone cord is stretched all the way over the counter in his apartment to the couch, where he lazily laid, buzzed, and talking to you.

silence is heard on the other side of the phone for a couple seconds.

“…sure,” toji replies, and you don’t know, but he feels like he could throw up.

however, with you making all the plans, a “date” is finally planned in a couple of weeks. neither one of you is too sure what to call it. but by normal, societal standards, yes, you and him were going to go on a date.

you have phone conversations every so often as the remaining days pass. usually, it’s you calling him. that’s only because he thinks your life is too busy for someone like him. he doesn’t even know why someone like you is even talking to him.

toji will keep his insecurities under wraps for now, though. only for now.

he’s still very curious about you, though, and he wonders what makes him so curious. he’s still wondering when he walks into a bar – the one you proclaimed as your favorite – to see you on your so-called date. toji’s heart flutters for the first time in his life when he sees you. you’re already sat in one of the barstools, sipping on a mixed drink – and you are jaw-droppingly beautiful. toji doesn’t talk to you when he slides into the stool next to you.

you crane your neck to look at whoever just sat in the reserved seat, and it’s toji, not looking any differently from how you saw him a couple weeks ago. you don’t mind. he’s still attractive. you think he might just be the type that’s “unapologetically themselves.” and he is, but not in a way that makes people attracted to him.

“toji!” his name falls off your tongue so perfectly yet again, and you wrap your arms around his neck. he doesn’t hug you back, he only freezes slightly at your touch. again, you don’t mind. it’s painfully obvious he doesn’t do things like this often. you feel lucky he decided to show up in the first place.

as time ticks away, you begin to find out more about toji. he does have a sense of humor, it only takes some chipping away at his hard exterior and a few drinks for him to laugh along with you. he lives alone, and he’s honest about his job – he kills people for a living. that fact doesn’t intimidate you, it only explains why he is the way he is. he tells you a few minute details about his family life, too, and how he grew up.

nothing that he tells you scares you. it only makes sense to you. the pieces of his personality add up with the information he gives you. and silently, you thank him for explaining more about himself.

he just doesn’t want to be lonely anymore.

toji takes you back to his place that night. even the frugal décor – or lack thereof – makes sense to you. it’s a little humorous how everything fits so perfectly with his personality.

“fuck- toji!” you scream, arms shaking as you hold yourself up as toji pounds you from behind. you know you only met him a few weeks ago, and it’s bad to fuck on the first date, but you feel zero remorse with the current situation. his big, rough hands hold your hips in place, lewd, wet noises fill the air when you aren’t moaning for the man behind you. toji doesn’t pay mind to how loud you’re being – he only likes the fact you’re losing yourself because of him.

toji props his leg up on the bed, giving a new angle, and slams his hips forward to meet yours again. you feel him in the deepest parts of you, and god, he’s so warm, he makes your whole body heat up in a way you’ve never felt before. drool rolls out of your mouth, creating a small damp circle below your head. your eyes flash behind you. you see toji in all his glory – he’s actually got some emotion on his face now.

you fall asleep in toji’s bed that night.

toji prays you won’t just be a one-night stand – no, he won’t let you be a one-night stand. in toji’s mind, you’re his now.

in your mind, you are too.

a few weeks after your date, you call up toji, he notices the nervous tone in your voice, but doesn’t mention anything about it.

“toji…” you say, his name sounding so perfect once again, “toji…i’m pregnant.”

shit.

“what?” he sounds furious, and it makes you cower down, even in the comfort of your own home. you don’t repeat yourself. you know he heard you. “are you sure?” he frantically questions, slapping a hand to his forehead as he begins to sweat.

“i’ve been sick ever since our date…and all the tests i took are positive.” you whimper, not handling the news any better than toji. you want to cry and beg toji not to leave. “i’m sorry, toji,” you whisper.

“it’s…okay.” toji replies. he knows the fault lies with both of you, and the heat of the moment, and the fact that he was just so attracted to you he didn’t have time to control himself.

“i don’t know what to do,” you tell toji, tears rolling down your cheeks as you clench the phone in your hand even tighter.

“me either,” toji admits, “but…i’ll help you.” those are the only words he can think of to calm you down.

it’s going to be a sticky situation, no matter what. but you took a chance on toji, you overlooked everything wrong with him. it was now his time to return the favor.

he got his wish, though. you wouldn’t be able to go anywhere anytime soon.

toji hauls the last of your boxes into his apartment, throwing them down on the floor harder than needed.

“you have a lot of shit, woman,” he groans, wiping his forehead. you only giggle in return from your spot on the couch. he didn’t let you pick up any of the heavy boxes.

you spend the rest of the day unpacking all your clothes, completely overtaking toji’s closet with items of your own. all your things add a splash of color into toji’s space, and god knows he needs it. toji’s surprised someone can have so much stuff.

“what the hell is this?” toji asks, pulling something out of a box.

“it’s a curling iron, toji,” you reply as you roll your eyes.

by the time night comes, you’re successfully moved in with the father of your baby. empty boxes are broken down and laid by the door. you’re curled up next to toji on the couch, his arm is wrapped around you. it’s been around 3 months since your first encounter with toji downtown.

ever since you told him you were pregnant, he’s acted differently. he dotes on you, he makes sure you’re comfortable, he buys you meals because he’s clueless as to what else to buy you. toji didn’t think he had it in him. you still aren’t officially together — yet — but toji shows he has a care for you in small ways.

you’re still getting used to one another, though. you and toji differ from each other tremendously, but you have to find a way to make these things work. you show toji love, and he prefers to keep his feelings inside, showing love through him allowing you to touch him and be around him. he hasn’t allowed anyone to be this way with him before. nothing is ever long term with him.

he no longer has a choice now.

“toji,” you speak, “are we dating? are we together?” you ask.

the inquiry causes toji to furrow his eyebrows.

“why?” toji answers you with another question. you shrug.

“I just want to know,” you reply. toji shrugs.

“do you want to get married?” toji petitions.

you push yourself off toji, sitting up. you look at him, eyebrows knitted together, “what?” you almost sound the same as toji did when you told him you were pregnant. and again, the situation repeats itself. toji’s statement doesn’t recur. he knows you heard him.

toji looks at you, a sly grin on his scarred lips.

“okay,” you finally agree, “i’ll marry you, toji.”

love grows. loving someone can change you, for the better or for worse. love matures someone, it will make someone into something they once weren’t, or something they aren’t meant to be. love is beautiful. intimate, soft feelings swell inside of you in a way you cannot express.

you love toji. he loves you, too, you think.

“toji, let go of me,” you playfully giggle as you try to pry the man’s hands off your waist, “i have to cook!”

toji has his arms wrapped around you from behind, not too hard, of course, to make sure there is no damage done to the human you’re growing inside of you. he has no intentions of letting you go, despite your pleas. toji rests his head on your shoulder, kissing the crook of your neck and breathing your scent in.

“i love you.” toji whispers, a barely audible peep.

you’re taken aback for a moment. you understood long ago those words would probably never come out of his mouth; due to the rushed situation you lived in with him. but he was there with you, saying those three words that mean more than anything in this world.

“i love you too, toji,” you reply, now staying still as opposed to your earlier motions of trying to get away.

the both of you just stand there, so close, enveloped in each other’s presence. you haven’t shared a moment like this with him yet.

you crane your neck to plant a kiss on toji’s cheek, no longer fighting to get out of his grasp. you only turn yourself around and wrap your arms around his neck, encapsulating your husband in a deep hug. a hug that means more than anything that can be put into words.

that was the only time he said those words to you.

you’ve been married to toji for five and a half months. he’s a changed man, despite him still carrying the same cold demeanor as the same day you met. he’s proven to be a fine partner for you. you understand him more now, with the way he continues to keep you at arm’s length while also letting you in to his mind, expressing deep emotions whenever he was under the influence. he makes a promise to you that he won’t do anything to harm you or the baby, including with his job. he no longer wants to be put in danger, because it would put you and his baby in danger.

lonely he was no more. he had you, it was all he needed. toji felt that way for months. he would stay content and happy — although he never showed it — with you.

toji often spent his time thinking about you. he’s never had anyone like you in his life.

sometimes, love cannot change you entirely. the newness of it all wears out over time, that’s inevitable. but, it’s the choices you make along the way that show change.

all the while being a changed man, toji is still self-absorbed. he cannot run away from that fact.

 you’re 8 months pregnant. the past few nights, you’ve been alone at toji’s apartment, too pregnant and tired to do anything about it.

just as you’re about to call him up, toji opens the door and stumbles through, drunk as ever. you frown.

“where the hell have you been, toji?” you raise your voice, slowly getting up from the couch.

“why the hell does it matter?” toji retorts, anger in his voice. he wasn’t expecting you to be on his ass as soon as he walked through the door.

“you’ve been gone for three days!” you yell at him, “three whole days. you said you wouldn’t take on any more dangerous jobs!”

toji makes a tch sound with his teeth, “i wasn’t on a job.” he admits.

you look at toji, confused, “where were you?”

toji runs his fingers through his already disheveled hair, “gambling.”

he says it so nonchalantly, like he didn’t just spend half a week away from his pregnant wife gambling. toji had only mentioned gambling as a bad past habit. you didn’t think he did it anymore, but as soon as he admits it, you wonder if he spent all that time gambling instead of working. it would only make sense.

“what…?” you say, voice dropping to nothing more than a whisper. toji only shakes his head and walks off into the bedroom. you stare at him until he disappears.

for weeks after, you and toji continue to argue. your conversations turn into screaming battles until one of you gives up. most nights, toji sleeps on the couch. you slowly begin to realize that everything might have been a mistake.

there’s a reason he’s never had someone like you.

your arguments falter for a while at the arrival of your baby boy. he’s beautiful, a literal bundle of joy. toji takes the role of a father very seriously at first. he makes sure he’s taken care of while you spend a few days bedridden because of the birth. you love to watch toji through your bedroom door, while he holds the baby swaddled up as he cooks for you.

a glimmer of hope remains in your heart for your marriage.

toji joins you in bed that night, the baby safely tucked away in a small bassinet on your side of the bed. you’re wrapped in toji’s arms again. the world is right. you fall asleep to the sounds of your husband’s snores. it’s a feeling you haven’t had in a long time.

selfishness is a cruel disease.

a couple months after having your baby, you’re not so lonely, spending most of your time taking care of him. you become too busy and burnt out from being a parent that you don’t notice toji’s late nights again. he always joins you in bed, at some point, but at the end of the day you’re sleeping too soundly to notice the time.

slowly, the rekindled love begins to fade for toji. he’s never there, except for when the sun is down. once you’re able to stay awake past 9p.m., the nasty monster of arguments comes back at full force.

“shut the hell up, woman! you’re pissing me off!” toji yells. the baby is wailing in your bedroom, but you are too preoccupied with your husband to do anything.

“are you kidding me? you reek of cheap perfume,” you retort, voice matching the loudness of toji’s, “who the fuck were you with?”

“none of your goddamned business!” toji shouts, taking a step closer to tower over you. he does nothing to intimidate you. you were never scared of him, so why would you be now?

“it is my business, i’m your wife!” you reply to his remarks.

toji scoffs. he makes a decision quickly, not thinking about any repercussions. he points a finger towards the door.

“get the hell out.”

your face falls from anger into an expression that can only be described as heartbreak. your husband of almost – almost ­­– a year is kicking you out. toji’s face remains stern and cold, not a pang of regret for doing this to you.

thousands of questions run through your mind, painful silence falls over the room, and you can hear your baby screaming once more. no time is given to ask toji anything. and for once, you’re scared. not exactly scared of toji, but of the fact you don’t know how things are going to end up without him.

your shoulders relax. you look toji in the eyes, unable to hide your heartbreak, but overall, you decide to keep an unbothered façade.

indifference doesn’t matter to toji. neither does sadness, or anger.

it only takes you a few minutes to pack a bag with enough things for you and the baby. you do your best to calm him down before leaving. you walk over to the door, looking toji in the eyes once more, and for the first time, toji can see the rage in them. the rage that he caused.

“i hate you.”

you slam the door on your way out, a bag on one shoulder and the baby on your other side. you think about what toji was doing, but alas, you don’t really care. it only took a few minutes and a couple hundred hurtful words for toji to be dead to you.

toji watches from his window as you walk down the sidewalk, disappearing into the crowd with his son. he thinks about where you’re going, who you’ll stay with, and how his life will end up now that you’re more than likely gone for good.

he’s a lonely man again. he’s leaving behind someone else, yet again.

but, he doesn’t really care.

[hotpinkstars]

HIIII I JUST READ YOUR BOOTHILL IDEA ABOUT PREGNANCY AND I AM WELL FED 😭 i love how angsty it is. oh boy i'm sure struggles a lot during his s/o's pregnancy. like...it has lots of cry and self-conflict because he may thinking that he isn't helping his s/o. there gonna be small arguments and misunderstandings. it's hard for the both of them and the baby. 🥹

ohhhh yes. yup. decided to take a real angsty route with this one. I added some mentions of his actual backstory here, bc my og one was written before his backstory was released lols

Boothill definitely cries during your whole entire pregnancy. He also has a lot of bad thoughts about himself during it, too. 

At first, he tries to hide it, and either subtly cry, or just simply wait until you’re no longer in the room or the house. He doesn’t want you to know that he’s not happy because of the state he’s in. 

He used to be human, he used to be flesh, and most importantly, he once had a daughter of his own, and that's what crushes him the most. He fears so much that he’s almost going to replace her, even though he knows deep down in his heart that it most definitely wouldn’t be able to happen. 

He also feels so bad about not being able to do normal human things for your during your pregnancy :(((( he knows how much you want to be able to be soft and intimate, to take baths and be able to have a cozy massage and just a cozy person around in general, and he’s the exact opposite of that. He doesn’t even think he deserves the husband title anymore.

He literally once asked you why you’re still with him and not someone else. You explained that you loved him and you wanted to be with him, and even then he never really expressed the way he felt about himself to you but you could sort of see it in his eyes. He didn’t like the way he was and the fact that he can’t be what he refers to as a “proper dad” to his kid. 

He knows it’s hard on you, too, and he also knows that you’re catching onto his harsh thoughts, and you’re catching on fast. It caused an argument a few times, on how you’re hurt that he’s not expressing his emotions, he doesn’t want to, it turns into a “do you not trust me or something?” conflict on your end, and a “I just don’t know what to say without hurting you” conflict on his end. Misunderstanding that likely won’t just dissipate. 

There was one argument that you both had when you were nearing pretty close to your due date, and he decided he was going to walk out midway through and not come back for about a week. For some reason, he chose a petty route, leaving you anxious and super betrayed, considering he refused to answer his phone, too.

The argument was over something that seemed incredibly stupid, if you both must say so yourselves. He was, once again, insecure, and he wouldn’t tell you why. That was what bothered you- did he not trust you enough? Did he seriously not want to be a part of this baby's life? Why else would he just walk out?

To say it made you super anxious, scared, and lonely was an understatement. You were left with the thought that you’d have to give birth alone, and go back to your original game plan that you already mentally set up. You thought he genuinely left you.

That was, until he walked back into the house on a random afternoon that next week. He ran up to you and apologized, allowing you to cry it out in his steel arms. He felt so horrible, and he vowed to you to never, ever do that again.

He tries to start letting you in on his troubles from that point on, but there still seems to him like there's a barrier blocking his words from coming out. Sometimes, he just blames it on his synesthesia beacon, which seems to work for now. 

He also lets you see him cry more often, but that stops when you give birth. He doesn’t need you to be more overwhelmed than you already will end up being.

[seresinhangmanjake]

Simon "Ghost" Riley x Soap's Sister!reader

Summary: Because Johnny found him sleeping with his sister, Simon had to live the last three months without you, but he's about to get his girl back.

warnings/notes: a little smut 18+, cursing, drinking. That's probably it. Oh, typos, im sure, as well.

words: 1830

Part 1

He drinks at the same bar. The one his team practically lived in when they were all together for an evening, but that doesn’t happen anymore, not with the entire group. Johnny stays home if he knows Simon will be attending the night out, and Simon, if informed Johnny wants to be with the team, elects to remove himself from the situation for everyone’s comfort. He figures it’s the least he can do. He’d slept with his best mate’s sister, he’d fallen in love with his best mate’s sister, and so he has taken on the consequences, no matter how infuriating and unreasonable and unfair. 

“You want another, Honey?” the bartender asks. She grins. Her eyes shine with desire, as they have all night, and it might be a pleasant sight if Simon had never met you. He might’ve taken her home, fucked her like a toy until he was spent and she was happily ruined by his cock before he kicked her out. But she isn’t you. No woman is you.

“Keep ‘em comin’,” Simon replies, downing the amber liquid in his glass. 

Suddenly, the stool beside him slides across the hardwood floor, now occupied by a newcomer he wouldn’t hesitate to shove to their ass if he could do so without causing a scene. What kind of rude bastard risks sitting next to someone when ten other seats are open?

“Actually lass, do me a favor and cut ‘im off. I need ‘im in his right mind.”

Simon almost chokes at Johnny's voice but he doesn’t turn his head as he slowly sets the glass back down on the counter, his fingers tightening around it. Anger, confusion, pain, anxiety. It all crashes over him in a hefty wave, because rolled into this one man is both the friend Simon has missed for months and the asshole who has forced him to be apart from the love of his life. And it’s almost too much to handle at once.

“I’ll take his drink,” Johnny tells the bartender, who has lost all hope now that the man she’s been attempting to charm is no longer lonely enough to be convinced to take her home. When she places the glass in front of him, he takes a sip. “You look like shit, Ghost.”

“What do you want?”

“We got a problem,” Johnny says, getting right to it. “A bit of a disaster, really, and I gave it my best shot, but I can’t fix it.” Simon blinks. His brows pinch. Johnny drains the remainder of the alcohol and wipes his mouth with the back of his forearm. “She’s miserable. And considerin’ the timeline, I’d wager it’s because she’s without you.”

Simon’s heart—though had fallen from his chest months ago—sinks lower into his gut. 

“Look, I didn' believe it was that deep,” Johnny continues. “Figured you were jus’ messin’ around. Being stupid and disrespectful with my baby sister. But I cannot have her miserable, Ghost. It won’t do.” He looks at Simon and releases a long sigh. “She loves you. I don’ like it but she does, and you need to make it better.”

“What exactly are you askin’ of me?”

Johnny’s eyes land back on the empty glass. He plants his elbows on the counter and rubs his fingers across his forehead, kneading the wrinkles. “Just…go to her, alright?”

That snaps Simon out of his grumbly attitude. “You serious?”

“Unfortunately,” Johnny says. 

Simon practically leaps out of his seat, nearly knocking the stool to the floor as he shrugs on his jacket. He’s almost at the door, but then he stops. Taking a breath, he turns back to his old friend. “Will you be able to handle this?” Simon asks. “Me and her? Because you can't ask me to let her go, Johnny. Not twice.”

Johnny takes a second, then he gives a brief nod. “I’ll adjust. Somehow. With time; lots of time.”

It isn't much reassurance, but it's enough for Simon to be on his way. He rushes out the door, jumps into his truck, and races down the road. He forgets the seatbelt. Ignores the speed limit signs. You don’t live far, and you’re worth the risk if it means getting to you faster. 

He knows the elevator in your building is much too slow because he’s been in it a hundred times. He has made out with you in it; fucked you in it, slamming the emergency button so no one could interrupt on the nights you couldn’t wait to get to your bedroom. So he takes the stairs. Two at a time, up eight flights, and down the hall. With a heaving chest, he bangs on your door. 

“Love, open up!” He knocks harder. Loud enough to make your neighbor pop her head into the hall to understand the ruckus. 

“Oh, wonderful. You've returned,” the old woman huffs. “And just when I was starting to believe I’d never again have to endure listening to that moaning and groaning at all hours.”

“We talked ‘bout this back in June, Mrs. Brimsby. Get yourself some earplugs,” Simon retorts before calling for you again. “Baby, please, it‘s me!”

“I’ll report the two of you for the noise.”

“You probably should. You’re in for a long night.” He hears a scoff but doesn’t bother to glance in the direction it comes from. 

“Still so disrespectful,” she spits before slamming the door to her apartment. 

Simon has held a low level of hatred for the old bat since the morning after the first time you’d slept together. It was an early Sunday full of soft touches and kisses and tea to nurse the mild hangovers you’d both had because of a couple of drinks the night before—the drinks that allowed the two of you to finally surrender to the sexual tension. After kissing you goodbye, he’d stepped out of your apartment with a smile he hadn't donned in quite some time, only to have it wiped away from the unexpected grandma in a collared nightgown tapping her foot as she stroked the fur of the cat in her arms. 

“You kept us up all night,” she had scolded. “We need our sleep.” The cat then hissed for emphasis. 

Now, Simon has never been so happy to have that woman blathering in his ear. She reminds him of home, because home is with you and this is where you are. Getting yelled at shoots him into the memories of the time you spent together all those months ago. The stupidly high levels of bliss that, based on the trajectory of his life at the time, he’d assumed was more of a myth than anything. But you had made it real. You had soothed the pain. You were the patch on his wounds; the brightest spot in his life which dimmed the trauma and horrors. 

He’s so lost in those thoughts that he doesn’t immediately notice when his banging fist plummets through the air.

“Si?”

At your voice, Simon’s mind instantly clears. His eyes meet yours.

“Fucking finally,” he mutters, not letting a beat go by before he’s bending at the knees, wrapping his arms around your waist, and lifting you up. Instinctually, your arms snake around his neck, your legs circle his hips, and he feels his cock begin to swell from the reminder of how natural that action is for you. How right it is that you fit together like lock and key. 

Many questions are brewing in your eyes, but you don’t ask them. You kiss him instead, hard and thoroughly as he carries you into your apartment and kicks the door closed behind him. When he sits you atop your kitchen counter and settles himself between your spread legs, his hands go everywhere; under your sleep shirt, up the curves of your body to squeeze your breasts then back down to your hips. His palms slide around to your ass and jerk you closer so the center of those thin little shorts is pressed against the mound protruding from his jeans. 

Buttons scatter across the tile from his impatience, unwilling to delicately undo each tiny closure of your shirt. Your fingers trickle lower on his body to the belt buckle you quickly undo and the zipper you harshly yank down. He’s about to tell you to lift your hips, but you do so without his command, shimmying out of your shorts, and Simon takes the chance to do the same, pushing his pants just below his ass. He springs free, the heavy column of flesh landing at your navel. 

Leaning back, you guide his cock through the slickness of puffy lips into your tight, clenching walls. It sucks the air from his lungs. His head falls to your shoulder as you both try to breathe at a steady pace. His hands brace on the counter on either side of your body, nails digging into the granite. Home.

“Simon…baby, you have to move,” you pant. “I c-can’t take it.”

“I’ve got you,” he whispers in your ear before lifting his head and placing a quick peck on your mouth. Shifting his hips, he pulls out and then slowly eases himself back inside of you. His groan drowns out the sweet song of your moan. “I’ve got you, love.”

—

“Your neighbor still hates us, jus’ so you know,” Simon says as he slides under the sheets. Were he not so exhausted, he’d chuckle at the idea of being beside you in your bed and not immediately trying to fuck you, but after the kitchen counter, then the couch, then the living room floor, you’re both worn out and in need of a good night's sleep. “Probably more now than she did before.”

Normally, you would have found his words amusing, but you remain silent on your back, staring straight up at the ceiling. Simon raises a brow and flips onto his side. Then he sees the tear slip from the corner of your eye down to your ear. 

“What're you thinkin' about, love?” he asks as he places his hand on your cheek and turns your face toward his. 

“I'm scared,” you tell him. “I've missed you so much, but the second you leave, everything will go back to how it was without you. That broke me the first time, Si. How do I go through it all over again?”

His eyes pinch tight and he sighs in shame. He should have told you. It should have been the first thing out of his mouth, but then he saw you and he needed you and that was all that mattered in the moment. “Baby,” he begins, brushing the hair back from your face. “I'm not leaving you, and we are not goin’ back to that, ok?”

“But Johnny—”

“We don't need to worry about Johnny.”

Your eyes widen. “What? Why not?”

“Because, love,” Simon says, his hand finding the middle of your back and snuggling you into his chest, “Johnny sent me.”

@universitypenguin @ghostslittlegf

[gothamhappiness]

You are my heaven 5 - the end (Bruce Wayne x f!reader)

It was supposed to be a little imagine of a dark and lonely Bruce Wayne switching place with another Bruce Wayne from a parallal universe, but I wrote more than I thought. And then you asked for more :)

My masterlist is here.

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

Warnings: no proof reading, fighting, language, violence, angst/comfort (in a way), pregnant!reader

Things went out of hand pretty quickly. Dick joined you home and saw Bruce speaking with you. He was towering over you. You seemed very uneasy. 

“So you knew”

“That I was with a man who was actually in love with me and taking care of me? Yes”

“I am your husband. Is it how you are loyal to me? No, no, don’t answer. You know what, I understand. I haven’t been the best. But once he’ll be back to his world, I’ll do better. I’ll take care of this child and we’ll be happy again. Don’t you want that?”

You didn’t answer because you realised how obvious the answer was: you were in love with the other version of Bruce, not with the one you actually married. You wished for him to go away, you wanted things back like when he was gone. You didn’t even feel guilty anymore. You were allowed to be happy, your children too. Even Barbara started to enjoy the new Bruce better.

“Don’t you want that?” Bruce repeated, losing it over your lack of answer

Dick walked over and with the way the man greeted him, he knew who it was. The new Bruce was always smiling at him, always grateful to have Dick around. This Bruce was a little bit annoyed, a little bit too cold to feel happy around him. Dick wrapped an arm around your shoulders and you relaxed a little bit.

“Stay away from mom” Dick groaned

“I’m not… For fuck sake, can you all stop acting like if I was the intruder here? I belong here, this is my world, my family, my home!” Bruce was getting angry

“Then start treating us better already” Dick continued

“How fucking dare you?! Without me, you’d be nothing” Bruce started to scream

“And you how fucking dare you talking with that tone in front of a pregnant woman? A woman you said you loved too. But really you never knew anything about that, did you?”

The batfamily had always been pretty protective of you, but it was even worse now you were pregnant. And to Dick, his former father was actually a threat to the family. Because it finally felt like a family and after everything that happened, he didn’t want to lose it.

Everything happened in a blur after that. The “real” Bruce threw a punch at Dick, out of pure anger and despair at being so easily replaced. They started to fight. They had no mercy. Actually, all the anger they always felt toward each other was finally getting free and making them even more ruthless.

Alfred quickly grabbed you and guided you away from the two men, finding you a safe place to lock yourself in until everything would settle down. Alfred wasn’t too sure what to do. He had guessed something happened when his Master started to treat everyone like Alfred always wished he would. For once, he had decided to pretend to not understand. But now, to be fair, he wasn’t recognising the man he raised and he thought that maybe he was gone in this other world. Or maybe he never truly existed. He just wanted them to stop fighting, but he didn’t know how to.

You called your lover, you tried to explain to him what was going on, but you were getting close to a panic attack. 

“It’s alright, my love, it’s alright. I’m on my way. Stay where you are, stay safe. This is all that matters to me. Jason will come find you so you won’t stay on your own, okay? I just need you to breathe in and out. Can you do that? For me? I know you are strong. You are amazing, my love. I just need you to trust me” he smoothly told you, trying to appease you no matter how tense he was himself getting.

But all that mattered was you. Always you.

“I… I trust you” you finally manager to whisper

“Good. Lay down and breathe, my love. I’ll be home soon”

After that, he called Kate for her to deal with the security breach while he was coming back to the manor. On his way, he also called Jason for him to protect you and help you calm down. Jason didn’t ask a question. If his father needed you to look after you, he didn’t need to know anything else.

You heard a car coming by, the front doors getting opened and then more sounds of fighting. You knew that your Bruce had started a war with your former husband. You guessed he asked Dick to leave, because he didn’t want his son to get hurt. Hopefully, Alfred was taking care of Dick now.

You started to cry.

You jumped when you heard a knock at your door. Soon enough, you opened the door to a very worried Jason who locked the door back behind him and settled on the ground by your side. He held you and rocked you, whispered words of reassurance to help you calm down. He hated to see you like that.

When he arrived at the manor, he did his best to follow the instructions he received for once, and to not intervene in the fight between the two Bruces. He was now praying to whoever divinity who might hear him to get rid of the former Bruce. He didn’t want to be in the same world as him again. You both heard the sounds of the fight and it was driving you sick with worry. 

“What if he kills him?” you cried our and Jason shushed you

“He’ll be fine” he whispered

“You haven’t seen the way he was acting. He was so desperate to get his life back here, he promised me things…” you felt like you were going to throw up

“Ma, don’t worry. He may want his life back, but I can tell you that dad is actually very desperate to keep this life as well. And you’re pregnant with his baby. He’ll fight with everything he has” Jason tried to reassure you

Jason was right. The two Bruces were on equal strength, on equal intelligence and on equal despair. They both wanted and needed this good life in this world, but for that, one of them needed to be gone.

Both Bruces had thought of so many plans and different contingencies to take care of the other. They hadn’t really planned on simply fighting the other one. But despair drives everyone crazy and makes them act like animals.

You heard screams of:

“This is my home! I’ll kill you or I’ll send you back to your personal Hell!”

“This is my Heaven and you can’t get it away from me. You didn’t deserve any of this anyways. Even my wife knows it”

“She isn’t yours”

“That’s no what she said. That’s not what the children said.”

“Fuck you”

You had no idea how long it last. Forever, maybe.

“I’m going to get sick” you whispered when a terrible silence engulfed the whole manor.

Then you heard a lot of footsteps. The children arrived and were taking care of things. You jumped when Alfred knocked at the door.

“Mr Jason, Mrs Y/N, the fight is over. You can come out” he told you 

Jason had to help you get up because your legs didn’t want to obey you anymore. You opened the door and Cass helped you walk to the living room with Jason. Everyone was so tense.

“How’s Dick?” you asked Stephanie who walked by

“He is fine, Duke is with him right now, to make sure he is all good” she answered and you felt a little bit better knowing that

Damian was sitting on the ground with Tim. They were both looking at the two Bruce Wayne lying on the floor. One was stabbed, the other one was tasered. They were unconscious. Damian was lost, Tim was trying to take care of the wound. 

“Baraba called Leslie, Alfred is waiting for her” Cass told you before helping you sitting down on a chair

“What are we going to do?” you whispered

“We need to make a choice” Jason told you

After a little while, the whole family was in the room, looking at the two men. The choice was pretty easy to make. 

Your former husband was locked up in an unbreakable room. Leslie took care of him while he was unconscious, and after that only Alfred talked with him. Damian sometimes too, but he never let his father go. Deep down, you knew that this fate was even worse than just killing him. But you couldn’t kill him; you needed to send him back to the other world, because this world didn’t have any Bruce Wayne now and who knew what the consequences could be.

When your lover woke up, he was in his bed. You were sitting next to him, holding his hand in yours. 

“Welcome back, darling” you whispered

“You choose me” he understood, fully relaxing against the mattress

“We choose happiness. Whenever we’ll find out how, we’ll send him back to the other world. For the last time, hopefully”

“I’ll make sure of it” he hummed before kissing your fingers

The man you loved never had any more nightmares about the other Bruce.

And you neither.

--

Taglist for all my work <3

@blublock404

@wind-canoe

Taglist for this series <3 (you’re my heaven)

@bat1212

@karakento

@kneelforloki

@nosebeers

Thanks for the ideas & the comments <3

@motherofdragons1998

@silverklaus

@alishii

@kazuko-stuff

@navs-bhat

@hisuitfgg6

[becausebuckley]

michelle's buddie fic recs: week 38!

some more fics!! it’s been an excellent reading week!

this is a mix of fics with all ratings, so some include NSFW content. please take a look at both the ratings and the fic tags before reading!

if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!

all you're giving me is friction | hammersmiths/@henswilsons | 7.9k | T

Eddie is new, and married, and Buck won’t stop flirting. 5+1. excellent team vibes and such a fun twist!!

family feud: first responders | Princessfbi/@princessfbi | 3.2k| G

The FireFam go on Family Feud. hilarious lovely fic that was so nice to read in 911 family feud week <3

ice cream before dinner | cloudydaisies | 58.6k | T

gerrard messes with the team's schedules and eddie 'i just drove my son to flee the state' diaz is the only option to watch mara and jee-yun after school on tuesdays, which, shouldn't be a problem at all, right? this made me cry. eddie and jee and mara <3

i'm here (i'm yours for the taking) | farfromthstars/@doeeyeseddie | 19.1k | T

at the winter wedding of an old friend, buck and eddie pretend to be married to each other. the plan has no weaknesses, obviously, not even mistletoe or anyone’s secret feelings… using this as a blanket rec for this author because i've been slowly making my way through all their fics and every single one of them hits the spot <3 but this one in particular has a lovely lovely pretend relationship and it's so good!!

invisible string (tying you to me) | bookinit/@bookinit02 | 5.3k | T

buck, eddie, and the intimacy of a properly-tied shoe. buck's acts of service <3 i love fics of buddie doing Totally Normal Friend Things hehe

i've only known you to keep your word | thisissirius/@thisissirius | 4.4k | M

buck's lonely and eddie knows. i love fics that go no no this man's not gonna be lonely anymore and this is exactly that <3

no thing defines a man (like love) | timeshareindestin/@timeshareindestin | 12.3k | T

the buckley parents are visiting LA for jee's 4th birthday. which is fine, except they don't know two things: 1. buck has hearing aids again, and 2. he's engaged to eddie. hard of hearing buck series my beloved <3 i love eddie's interactions with the buckley parents and the maddie convo!!

a reservoir in your eyes. | dylaesthetics | 7k | M

the Buddie roommates fic where Buck’s apartment burns down, Christopher teaches him Gen-Z slang, and Buck finally snaps. the buck and chris slang bit never fails to cheer me up!

You Ran Outside and Caught the Moon | yoddream/@yoddream | 47.8k | M

Eddie wants to tell him that it only happened yesterday, but then he thinks about quarantine, and when Shannon died, and when she left for LA after he was discharged, and when he found out Chris was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, and when Shannon told him she was pregnant, and when he was ten and his dad yelled at him for crashing his new truck because his mom was in labor and nobody was around to take her to the hospital. He thinks about how he wanted to disappear every time, wished for something to kill him so that he didn’t have to face his fears, deal with reality. It hits him like his dad’s truck hit the tree. mind the tags for this one but it's such a fantastic character study and exactly the fic i needed this week <3

[yandere-writer-momo]

So I had this idea floating around in my head for awhile about a Yandere reader, except it’s the other personality within the reader’s body that is obsessed with the reader.

Yandere Shorts: Split Personality

Yandere Split Personality (Reader) x GN Depressed Reader

(Your name) has a split personality. One that is depressed and wishes to end their life so they no longer hurt people. While the other personally is a violent war criminal with an insatiable lust for blood. The other personality slowly becomes more and more twisted as time goes on until they realize they’re obsessed with (your name). They will randomly posses (your name)‘s body, but mostly when (your name) puts themselves in danger.

Every time (your name) passes by a mirror, they see that violent personality. And the reflection taunts them because everyone they put themselves in harm’s way, the violent personality ‘saves’ them. This other personality is absolutely obsessed with them. They’ll click their tongue at (your name) to try to get their attention. It’s maddening. (Your name) knows that they’re going insane but they know that they can’t prove it until it’s too late and the doctor is lying on the floor dead… their other personality won’t let anything happen to them. No medication or padded rooms will ever separate the two of them!

“I’ll never let you die. You need me.” The other personality chuckles as they press their lips against the mirror to try to kiss (your name). “I love you… can’t you see how much I love you that I never let anything harm you? Harm us?”

“I don’t want to hurt anymore people… I can’t do this-“ (your name) gasped when their reflection slammed their fists into the mirror. A crazed look in their eyes and their breathing ragged.

“Stop being so sad all the time about being lonely. You’re never lonely, you’ll always have me. Forever, baby.” They sighed as they pressed their forehead against the mirror. “Forever and always. I’ll never let you get hurt! I love you so much, (your name)… why don’t you press your lips against the mirror and give me a kiss? I want to touch you.”

[dontyouworrydaddy]

ყoᥙ bᥱᥣoᥒg to mᥱ

𝑜𝑙𝑑𝑒𝑟 𝐿𝑒𝑜𝑛 𝐾𝑒𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑑𝑦 𝑥 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑔𝑒𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟

warning: Minors DNI (18+) NSFW, Reader is 24!

summary: He definitely praises you. Oh and definitely talks through it

A/N: Also tried a new style as you can see. Please let me know what you think of it. Should I keep doing this one or should I go back to the old one? Kinda like this one but I‘m not sure😭

Anyways hope you enjoy! Love you <3

✩｡:*•.───── ❁ ❁ ─────.•*:｡✩

The sound of the door shutting snaps you out of your own little world. You came back home early today. You were supposed to be back at 6pm bit got home at 4:30 pm since everything was done. You were excited to get home early so you could catch up on the book you didn’t had the time to finish for a month now. But now that you had a lot of time to read. you where already half way through it. And it was getting very interesting. But nothing was more exciting when you heard the door shut knowing your boyfriend just came back from his exhausting work. Oh how you were excited.

“I‘m home” he yells through the apartment. You could hear the exhaustion in his voice. You put the book on your nightstand and make your way out of the room. And there he stands. In the kitchen. With a glass of water in his hands.

He tried to avoid drinking around you. He didn’t want you to see that part of him. No matter how often you told him it’s okay as long as he doesn’t drink way too much.

You make your way to him and hug him. He lets out a deep chuckle with causes your heart to melt. “Welcome home, baby” you welcome him and kiss his cheek. He puts the glass down on the counter and grabs you face. “I missed you so much” he whispers and you can smell the alcohol in his breath. The whisky.

He kisses you. He kisses you for a very long time and the kiss is so deep and passionate. But after what felt like hours of kissing you let go because you need oxygen. He looks you deep in the eyes while you’re breathing heavily. And he kisses you again. This time is different. This kiss is trying to prove you how much he missed you. How much he needs you.

And you would be lying if you didn’t need him as much as he needed you now. You didn’t had him for weeks and you began to feel lonely and your fingers were never helping you.

“If you don’t stop now” he says breaking the kiss for a short time. “You won’t be able to escape me” he kisses you again. You decide to tease him and let your hand wander down on him.

Your hand is now right on top of his covered dick. He breath hitches which causes you smirk while you continued to kiss him. But you didn’t stop there. You began to get closer to him until there was no space in between you. His hands on your ass are now squeezing you. And you could feel how you were getting wet.

He suddenly picks you up and you lock your legs around his torso. He carried you to the bedroom. This happened so often because now he was now able to carry you to the bedroom blindly.

As you both make it to the bedroom, he lets you fall on the bed with him between your legs. And now you wish you were wearing less today. Because you were feeling so hot right now. You don’t know if it’s because you need him so bad right now or because the weather is getting hotter.

He removes your clothes while you help him remove his. And now you were there, only in your underwear.

He starts to kiss your neck and as soon as he found your soft spot he decided to abuse that spot leaving you moaning mess.

“Leon” you moan his name and gets hard by it. Hearing you moan his name will be the death of him.

“Yes, Sweetheart?” he plays dumb and kisses your sweet vanilla skin. “Please” you moan clearly not being able to take it anymore.

His kisses trial down your body until he lifts your both legs and let them rest on both sides of his shoulder. He kisses your inner thighs and you feel yourself getting even more hot even through you have nothing but your underwear on.

“So wet for me.” he says in between the kisses. “Do I deserve you?”

“Yes. Please just take me already” you whine.

“It’s okay baby. We have time” he teases you and you whine louder. He moves your panties to the side and he starts eating you with no warning. You gasp at the feeling and you feel too good. Your fingers could never give you the feeling Leon does. His tongue does magic with you and you can feel yourself getting closer.

“Leon.” you moan again.

“Yes baby. I understand. But not now” he lets go of your legs and he towers over you. His hands part your legs and you look at him. Oh please.

He removes his boxers and lets his tip touch your clit. He teases you for a few seconds before he slides in you a bit. You gasp at the feeling. It’s crazy how you never were able to adjust to his size. It takes a few minutes for the pain to disappear and involve into pleasure. As soon as he noticed your face change he slowly slides in your fully and out again. He repeats his moves until he starts to fasten his moves.

“So beautiful baby” he whispers in your ear while fucking you.

“I see you’re reading the book we got together. How is it hm? Do you like it?” he asks you while he thrusts into you. You open your mouth to answer him but quickly shut it again since you couldn’t get any words out. Instead you let you hands wander on his back and your fingernails scratches his back.

“Always so tight around me. I‘ve been thinking about you this whole week and how much I missed you. Chris was getting annoyed of me because I wouldn’t shut up about you. He told me to say hi.” he whimpers at the end and he is getting faster now.

“Leon fuck” you scream his name at this point. It feels so good. Too good to be true.

“You’re voice is to die for baby. I‘m almost there baby. I‘m glad you’re in my life” he whispers into your ear. You feel yourself shift up and down the bed and your tits start to hurt because of the fast movements.

And you feel yourself getting close. “Leon. I‘m so-” your moan interrupts you and you can’t finish your sentence.

“Yes baby. I can feel it. I‘m close too.” he kisses you. The kiss is sloppy and messy. There are so many emotions mixed in the kiss. You didn’t know this was possible but again everything is possible with Leon. “You belong to me sweetheart. You‘re mine. Only mine. This pussy belongs to me.” he says.

“Cum with me sweetheart” he says and you both come at the same time.

Leon slowly removes his cock from inside you and kisses you again.

“Your body is like a drug baby. I‘m addicted to you” with that said he shoved his cum back inside you causing you bite your lip.

“Let me take care of you now” he whispers as he lifts you up bridal style and take you to the shower.

You’re happy. Your boyfriend is back.

“Welcome home, Leon”

[1nthedarknessofthenight]

﴾ i drink your blood and i eat your skin, part eight.

pairing: hwang hyunjin x f!reader

genre: vampire au

word count: 12,4k

warnings: blood ⋆ only a mention of an animal but not described in any way!

author’s note: im so sorry for not writing again sooner, I still have some exams before me to do. though i can’t wait for my summer break, because I will finally have the time to write again and you can look forward to some other stories of mine that are almost rotting in the drafts. and btw thank you again for the amazing support <3

masterlist

playlist

──────────────────────

If only the things you done in the past could be erased the moment you realized you were in the wrong. You wished that after realizing your mistake, it all could be left behind. Why are you so stupid sometimes? Why did you speak before thinking first? Maybe you do deserve the pain he inflicted on you. You were asking for it but you only wanted to know the truth, you didn’t expect that it would somehow affect him so much. It was like he also learned the truth that night. Your head perhaps is just a hole filled with insecurities which you just can’t overcome because you simply won’t expect the fact that someone might actually like you. Like you, to get to know you better, see and hear about your biggest fears and dreams, helping you get pass them, overcome them and accomplish them. It feels like forever since you thought about your feelings this much. You were so used to blocking them away.

You want so badly to just let go and enjoy all of this but you have been alone for so long that you don’t even know if you want to be loved anymore. It is such a crazy idea to you, a reality now…maybe. You dream about being loved that is all you do and maybe it is the only right thing for you. You are a lover girl, not a loved girl…that’s how it is supposed to be in your head. Are you sabotaging yourself?

A man such as himself falling in love with you? Tall, handsome, so charming and yet so dark and broken, wanting only you to be his forever. You want so badly to do the same but it is all just so scary. For quite some time your world started to become dull, everyday was the same. You realized, you were always alone after all and suddenly someone came in to your life, wanting to change that? What if this is the same for him? He has seen the world grow, the circle of life, people dying and being born again. It must be so lonely for him in some way, no one stick around long enough. Like he said — if you were like him, maybe you would understand but you don’t want to say that you somehow do understand…feel something. How could you not really? Even after what happened, because of that you want to get to know him better even more. And you’re so crazy in the head that you almost liked how he touched you…

You are awake now, still however feeling yourself slip into unconsciousness every once in a while. Your body is dripping in sweat, nightgown clinging on to your skin. Though you don’t remember any dream that could possibly make your body react in that way and it is always so cold in your room. A sigh leaves you as you roll onto your back. You hate how much you enjoy the silk sheets pooling over you, caressing you. The blissful state of almost falling asleep again is abruptly interrupt as something drip down on to your skin. You wipe it off but as you do, it only happenes again.

As your hand wiped off the substance which you thought was your sweat, your coated fingers graze your nose. The awful coppery smell hits you instantly, making your face scrunch up in confusion laced with panic. As you open your eyes, they fall onto your hand. You breathe out in shock at the crimson blood as another bead drips into your open palm, making your eyes tilt up to the direction it came from.

…You have never seen such a horrifying sight. Your mind is completely wiped out of any thoughts because you couldn’t simply make out what you are seeing right now. However this gruesome picture stares right at you, almost like presented in a way, so it gives the most gut wrenching feeling out of you. Your whole body stiffened but soon began shaking wildly in panic and fright and every passing second you look at it more, it becomes more real to you. The red color covers your field of vision, you couldn’t see nothing more than that. The once beautiful eyes of the animal are now dull, life completely vanished and you could see the pain in them. The once vibrant white color of its skin now painted red, dripping down on your bed. Your breathing becomes heavy but you couldn’t get any air into your lungs, every intake punches you into your chest and soon your lips open to release a blood curdling scream.

Eyes blocked with your hot tears, made you fall onto the ground as you so desperately try to scramble away as far as your stiff muscles would allow you to. You feel like throwing up, swallowing your spit and trying to fight the awful feeling in your stomach. Your hands curl up to your chest as you sat on the floor, you could feel how much your heart was pounding. You must be dreaming…yes, you must be. This is just another nightmare. Just a nightmare. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real—

You jump harshly as the door to your bedroom swings open, so fast that it flew onto the wall heavily and with such a force that the door almost fell off its hinges. Your hands fly to your ears at the loud sound, still not being able to catch your breath as every intake burned inside your chest. Your bloodshot eyes fall to your nightgown, seeing how much it is stained with that godawful substance and you wish for the floor to swallow you whole.

Your cries are so loud that you don’t even hear someone rushing in to your room, accompanied with another pairs of footsteps. The first person to come in to the room, immediately rushes to your trembling figure, momentarily stopping to look at the sight that now is permanently imprinted in your mind. You feel cold hands touching yours, flinching instantly away from them. You already know who it is, you don’t know how but you just do. Maybe because you feel such a weird sense of calmness wash over you but you are in such a state of shock that you couldn’t do anything other than jump away from the touch.

Hyunjin thought that by being one of the most powerful creatures on earth meant that there was simply nothing to be afraid of…till now — when he heard that sound. Till he heard that horrible sound of your scream…the way it sounded — so in pain, so scared, he immediately felt it too. He didn’t think twice, rushing to your room, so blinded by his own fear that he didn’t even see his family being right behind him, following him. When his eyes fell onto your curled up body, shaking like a leaf, he almost fell down on his own knees in despair. However the well known smell, made him for a second stumble upon the cause of all of this. His heart broke at the sight and also for you. He tried to calm you down but how? You don’t even want to look at him, scared that you will catch a glimpse of it again.

“No—no, I can’t, I can’t–“ Comes out of your lips as soon as his hands leave you. Your shaking hands press onto your eyes, slowly falling down to your knees, crunching up the fabric of your nightgown tightly but you could still see the blood.

Hyunjin glances back for a second at the bed, catching eyes with his equally horrified best friend who stood next to your bed before he also looks down at your body. Only by touching your hands, his own were completely covered in it and for the first time in a while he feels repulsed by the crimson. It gives you pain then why should it give him pleasure?

Your eyes flicker back to the canopy, only feeling more shocked and disgusted at the sight, you just have to be sure you’re not imagining all of this. This is so sick, who did this…why?

Hyunjin looks down again at his hands coated in blood and for a minute he wonders if any of it is yours but he would already know if yes because your blood simply smells different from any other. You aren’t injured physically but this imagine is grater and even more painful than any other. Someone must have done this with a purpose…hurt you. His eyes flash with anger, his priority was only you at this moment, every day, every night. Revenge can wait.

“Search the grounds.” Says Chan. Hyunjin didn’t acknowledge his presence at all till now and looking at him he realized, he wasn’t the only one in great anger. “Even the woods.” He adds, the men who followed their master in to your room nod before scrambling away.

A sob broke the silence, making Hyunjin look back at you. “It’s okay, love-“ He shushes you softly, putting his arms around your body, caging you but still not touching you, only hovering because you didn’t give him your permission.

Your cries die down a little, still hiccuping slightly as the panic slowly goes away. Shaking your head at his words, your eyes close as you tilt your head up. You go to take a breath through your nose but it is only clogged up because of your crying, making you breathe in with your lips. Your eyes open, finally looking at him. Your puffy and red eyes meet his azure and piercing ones. In a sense they calmed you a little as you thought of the ocean every time you would look into them.

Hyunjin’s heart broke even more at your gaze. He could see the pain, panic, sadness while also laced with sleepiness at the corners. How could someone do this to you…

His arms fall a little to his sides and you finally seem to register how close he is to you but you don’t pull away. You are safe now. “Let me help you clean up.”

You don’t give him a response and like he could read your mind, he knew that you weren’t against it. You don’t even know if you can stand up on your own. Your hands press onto the floor, trying to stand up on your shaking legs and before you could stumble even a little, he is already there. Like every time since the night you two met. His hands flew to grip your upper arms. His touch feels different from the past, still strong but now also gentle, like he is holding a piece of glass. You are not sure if it is because of the situation but it almost feels like his cold touch, could set your body on fire. You feel empty, traumatized and completely uselessness. The vampire helped you up, but it is more like he is standing and walking for you both. You have never felt so light in your life and it wasn’t just because of his strong arms, you felt — tired.

He leads you to the bathroom, closing the door slightly while walking you to the bathtub. You let out a small hiccup at his gentle touch, so careful, feeling completely undeserving of his attention at the moment. “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry…” He doesn’t response, letting him push you on to the bath, making you sit down at the corner as he hold you in his arms a little longer. Your brain almost forgot about whatever happened outside this door as he rubs small circles on your skin. Your eyes were too scared to look into his, breath hitching as his thumb trails over the naked skin of your shoulder. Hyunjin also got a little lost in the moment before he looks down at your blood covered nightgown. That sight makes him snap back to his senses, hands leaving your body.

When he stepped out from your line of sight, your eyes fell to the mirror. Blood covered your neck, face, even your hair line and basically your whole upper body. You become sick to your stomach, remembering that this is the blood of an innocent animal. Looking at your hands you reminisced the way its soft skin felt on your skin, just a few hours ago. Now they only made you see the crimson that stained them.

As you look upon them, your view is blocked by a hand, traveling over your skin of your fingertips till it comes to softly hold yours. Hyunjin kneels down before you, holding your hand out for him to wipe off the blood from your skin. He was so soft, it almost felt like your skin was being kissed by a whiff of cold wind. His cold touch calms down your racing heart and you almost want to grumble in protest as he keeps his touch at minimum. It felt so nice and jokingly cooling. However in some way you are thankful that he respects your boundaries.

“I can do it myself—“ You whispered, watching the towel slowly turning red while your skin is finally being able to breathe again.

“No.” He said, stubbornly, almost as he was mocking you but on his face was no smile whatsoever.

You watch him wash your hands with the towel, the water in the bucket where he dipped it in progressively getting darker. You are slightly mesmerized by how much bigger his hand is compared to yours. Yes, you do look at them quite often but seeing his long fingers wrapping around your wrist like that is a first. You become aware that you were still dressed in the same, a little see through nightgown and it makes you self conscious. Your other, now clean hand, comes to tug at the fabric so it isn’t so tight on your body. Watching the man before you, you let his hand linger on your wrist, fingers pressing into your pulse.

He could feel how much your heart is racing, but it is not like he couldn’t hear it with his own ears as well as the pulsing blood underneath your skin. Hyunjin went to wring out the towel, turning back to you with his back now straight. Your breath hitched slightly, timidly lowering your gaze. Even if he was the one kneeling he has the power here. How wrong you were…

Fingers, like a feather touching your chin made you look back at the man. The hand on your nightgown formed into fist for a moment as he now washes away the pain from your features. He still holds your chin between his fingers as he wipes the blood, sweat and tears. The embarrassing noise you almost let out, gets stuck in your throat as you look up at him. How can someone look so good from this angle? His concentrated gaze made you feel timid, so many thoughts suddenly running through your head and ones that made you lower your gaze.

Your lips release a choke breath. At the same moment you look away from him, reality hits you yet again. You can still remember the horrible sight you saw just moments ago. “I don’t understand what happened…why would someone do this —“

He sighed at your confused, saddened tone, lifting your chin higher slightly to meet your eyes and suddenly you forgot you were even angry at him yesterday’s night. Whatever happened yesterday was so silly and so stupid, you really don’t understand yourself sometimes. He was so kind to you, even with his nature, he would never hurt you or wouldn’t even want to see you get hurt...Why are your eyes suddenly wide open? You feel horrible that this — what happened made you realize how stupid and ungrateful you were. You just don’t now what to do…so you rather do nothing or just push further and further away.

Your eyes unwillingly welled up with tears, falling down your cheeks freely and poolling in to his hand. “Poor animal, oh my god was it yours — the horse.” The words fall out of your mouth, sniffling at your own words. When you looked at him, he didn’t quite meet your eye and for the first time you could see how much heartbroken he truly was. “I’m so sorry…”

He suddenly looks back at you, his other hand still tracing the towel your tear stained face. “There is nothing for you to be sorry for…I should be the one apologizing.” Hyunjin whispers the last words, his hands falling to his side before going to grip the bathtub you are sitting on.

You immediately understood what he is implying, it is not like you weren’t thinking about it earlier. “No.” You whisper back, trying to meet his eyes but his are set on the marble floor. “I am sorry.” For everything…you wanted to say. You wanted to say sorry for being so detached.

He shakes his head at your words, a short dry laugh falling from his lips. His hands on each side of you caged you under his glare but it wasn’t an unwelcome one, he looked saddened just as you were about all of this. “Someone did this to you — without me knowing even a single thing…” He sneers but his voice becomes little as he looks at your leg briefly where your mark, bruise, he left on you would be. It burned under his gaze. “No one knows a thing and they could have hurt you. I would never forgive myself for that…” His voice almost cracks at the end, recalling what he did yesterday, feeling like he is no better than the person who did this.

His broken tone rings in the air but only a single move it took to change the whole atmosphere of the room. As Hyunjin looked up at you, his hands gripped the edge of the bath so tightly, you could hear the stone cracking under his palms. You corner almost at the wild look in his azure eyes that are now just a flicker more red than usual. “I will find whoever did this and I promise you, I’ll kill them for you.” He says, lip curling up, giving you a small glimpse of his sharp teeth.

Your heart starts to beat even faster with his words and before you could stop yourself, your hand flew to his. Your hand grabbed his, scared that he would break the bathtub with his unhuman strength. His eyes cleared the moment your warm skin touches his freezing one. Both of you glance at each other in shock and just as quickly as you touched him, you pull away.

Your eyes look at your own hands in disbelief as he look at his in amazement. How are you so warm? Hand so smooth and warm that he wondered how it would feel like to have it back on his skin. What you did, in some way feels different from any other touches you have shared before. It felt intimate, just the split of second giving away such a raw emotion in which he now wants to drown in. He tried to say something but words some times are not enough nor necessary. At least your said precious skin isn’t covered in blood anymore but the big stain on your nightgown is still a big give away of what happened.

Hyunjin then stands up without a word, throwing the towel away before stopping to look through the slightly open door. His heart sank as he gazed back into the bedroom, just as his friend was being removed from the canopy of your bed. How come someone was able to sneak in and do this without anyone hearing even a thing? He knows better. This doesn’t feel like an attempt to kill you — his dead heart seems to skip a beat under this awful thought. This was a sign of a warning.

“From now on, you will be with me. I want you by my side.”

You said nothing, because there is no point in arguing and also you liked his idea better than being in here alone. You can’t stand the thought of ever sleeping in that bed ever again and the once beautiful, comfy sheets made your stomach flip. You again turn to look at yourself in the mirror opposite to you, grimacing at the image. Your messy bed hair was sticking to your skin, eyes and lips puffy with your nose runny from the crying, you can’t understand for a moment, how his appeal could be even possible.

Standing up, you again unstick the material of your nightgown from your skin. It felt uncomfortable, not to mention you felt dirty and the way he could probably see the outline of your body didn’t make you pleased. You go around the tub, just where he stood but before he could let you walk pass him, he stops you.

You stumble slightly when he suddenly turn around, blocking your way with his towering body. You look up at him, shakily breathing through your nose as he glared into your eyes. “Don’t look.” He probably meant whatever was happening inside the room right now and you would definitely feel better of not knowing. It wasn’t like you would want to look anywhere else beside his alluring eyes.

You both take the time to look at each other’s features. You marvel over his perfect pale skin that almost seemed translucent as you could see the veins under the thin layer of skin. It felt like you were seeing him in a completely different light. You also wondered if he was enchanted with you as much as you were with him but that didn’t seem right in your head. Maybe if you were clean and would be wearing something nicer…you suddenly want him to see you in the best version of yourself. He literally has only seen the bad and the worse. Where did this come from?

You listen to the noises just outside the room, they however felt like miles away as he grazed his hand over your left shoulder. Hyunjin was experimenting, trying to see if you would feel repulsed by his touch but you didn’t even flinch. Your heart skipped a beat slightly and from what he could hear it wasn’t in a bad way. His hand, completely now on your shoulder, fingers extending that his index finger almost reached your collarbone, trailed down the length of your arm. His hand awakened goosebumps all over your body, the simple touch made you feel so embarrassed as it was so exciting to your untouched skin. His hand stopped at your wrist, short familiarity spiking through you as he left it there.

Who was more nervous? You or Hyunjin? He would like to say that it was him. His hand tightened its hold, still careful not to hurt you…like he did before. Hyunjin throws the thoughts away, trying to enjoy the fact that you are willingly letting him touch you. He has a hard time to look into your big curious eyes, his own glancing at your hand that clunched the fabric of your nightgown closer to your chest.

He quickly looks away, turning around still holding you and finally walking out of the bathroom together. Your eyes were deadly set onto the floor but you couldn’t miss the fact that he purposely blocked the sight of the bed with his body. Though you are still looking at his hand around your wrist. What if he would be holding your hand instead? Maybe interlock your fingers together? That was probably too much and so early for either of you to handle.

When you step outside the bedroom, you feel like, you can finally breathe. Your eyes flicker to the man who is still holding you to the other people passing by you. They walk by you with heavy, fast steps and as you turned around, some of them would stop at your bedroom or continue their path further. So many people, men and women of all ages. It looked unnatural as because you were so used to being alone in this place. Or maybe they already did walk passed you like this, maybe your eyes just weren’t opened till now.

You jump slightly every time your feet would land on the freezing floor, missing the carpets. You glance down, grimacing because you see blood seeping through the carpet, there was no way you could miss it, even on the dark colors of the material. Hyunjin seems to feel your shift, even if if your emotions were all over the place. He could read people just by the smallest difference in the beat of their heart. Well, sometimes when it comes to you. He looked back at you, eyes traveling to the direction you were looking. Such an attention to detail, even he didn’t notice it. His head was just too occupied at this moment.

Confused you glance at him as he took few steps before you, finding his back turned to you but that wasn’t the thing that made you so confused. It was his irregular steps. He looked like he was dancing and soon you realized what he was doing. He was making a path for you to follow so you wouldn’t step in any of the dirty spots on the carpet. You wanted to thank him but words were not necessary at the moment. However, you, nervously, squeezed his finger that was resting inside your palm and he in responded squeezed your wrist back. How can he know you so well when you speak so little?

He lead you further into the house, the furtherest you have ever been so far. You both passed by the big staircase, going right into the direction where you haven’t been before. The hallway at this side of the house wasn’t almost lit at all, some candles though keep you from stumbling in the dark. The air also was colder but not too uncomfortable, maybe because you’re getting used to it. Hyunjin stops almost at the end of the corridor. Right before slightly open door, turning to you to let you in the room first.

Before you step inside, you glance into the room where the welcoming soft hue of orange was coming from. As you took small step inside, Hyunjin for some reason thought that your small uncertainty in your steps meant you’re suddenly uncomfortable with the hold he has you in. He released you at that, fingers twitching as he could still feel the small electricity at his fingertips. When your hand falls unexpectedly to your side, you turn in confusion at your company who without even a glance walks past you into the room. You don’t want to question his behavior anymore, it seems like these mood swings of his are a normal occurrence, so you just follow him inside.

This room was even bigger than yours. Ceilings even higher, decor even more dramatic and everything just so more monumental. You two however weren’t alone in the room as some maids kept running all over the place and are thankful for their presence at the moment. Your eyes flicker to the bookshelfs, lining the walls, to the small table rounded by a couch and some chairs, to another door, probably leading to a bathroom, till they stop at the big bed. Because of the candles that the maids are trying so hard to light up, you could at least get a glimpse of the room like this. Your eyes travel over to him, standing before you, watching you, before you had to again avert your gaze somewhere else, right back to the bed where you can tell how the sheets were unmade.

“Is this your bedroom?” You wondered out loud but you already knew the answer as you glance timidly back to him.

“Yes.” He said.

You hate this when you realized this is the first time you have been in man’s bedroom like this. You simply nod at his agreement, trying to ignore your own thoughts by looking more around his room, finding even more new things to marvel about because of the lit candles. You could see the small streeks of light, coming from the top of the heavy curtains as well as some papers on one of the tables in the room. You again remembered what happened just moments ago. It was so quick, all of this. From the sight to his kind words, touch and now this. He must’ve just woken up as you turn to look at his clothes. They were still the same clothes that he wore last night, another reminder that all of this happened so quickly. You don’t know, if it’s the fact that you don’t have a life to begin with but everything that happened made you so tired but you can’t even think of sleeping again.

Two women passed by you, watching them put something on the bed. The sparkling fabric winked at you and you immediately realize that those are the dresses that were given to you. You look away, however he is already watching your every move, noticing the small look of wonder on your face.

“I haven’t seen you wearing any of the dresses I gave you.” Hyunjin said, turning his back to you slightly as he leans over his bed to pick at the fabric of one of those dresses. “You don’t like them?” He almost sounded hurt.

You knew that he was just playing with you. “I didn’t know they were for me.” You respond, cringing how stupid it sounded. Who did you play dumb for?

He however wasn’t offended by your lie at all. “I wish to see you in them, but of course only if you want yourself.” The vampire added quickly, not to sound too controlling. “It is not wrong to enjoy these gifts I give you.”

To be fair, you can’t lie that there wasn’t a single moment when you almost picked out one of them, to maybe even just feel the fabric between your fingers but dressing up was the last thing on your mind right now. You are still shaken, confused and traumatized, you kind of wished that all of this was just a dream. He knew that even if it didn’t seem like it. He completely understands how you are feeling right now, he is only trying to keep your mind off it.

Hyunjin panics a little as your heart didn’t calm down, still fast, your lips sat into a thin line. “Would you like a bath?” He asked, more like himself as you finally glance back at him at his words. “You would want to yes…” He thought, almost frantically.

Your eyes flicker down at your nightgown again and at the big stain on the front of it. “Yes…but you can clean up first.” You say, looking at his bloodied shirt, he following your statement by also looking at himself, like he only now realized.

“Don’t worry about me, blood has never bothered me.” He waved you off. Till, he saw it being the cause of your pain.

You frown. “Pobably but it is still from your—“ You stopped yourself before even thinking to continue. His face turns into sorrow for a second at the mention of his beloved, now deceased animal. “I’m sorry.”

You look around the room again, trying to escape the conversation. The beautiful decorations kept your mind occupied, eyes traveling to the little angels at each corner of the room. Under the dim light they almost looked haunting. His canopy looked even more magnificent and monumental than yours, if that was even possible and definitely less bloody...The colors of the bed however were still the same as yours, the sheets unmade, duvet almost on the floor.

“Aren’t you tired?” You spoke up again, eyes plastered on the bed. When you were met with silence you glance back, him expressing a small confusion on his features. “Like it’s morning.”

“Vampires don’t get tired but yes, sometimes we need sleep to regain our strength but I don’t think I can sleep, knowing you are now in danger.”

“It is alright, you can-“

“No, it’s not!” He raised his voice, the sheer loudness making you tremble as well as the other people in the room who momentarily stopped everything they were doing just to look at him. It was like he himself got shocked by his own reaction but to him it was the only right one. He doesn’t understand how you are somehow so unaffected about this. Yes, you are still slightly shaking but it seem like this is taking a bigger role on him than you. “Someone was in your room, someone got inside without anyone knowing and left a message that for sure wasn’t a felicitation of me courting you.”

You ignore the fact that he basically said you two were to be wed or something like that, because you only realize by his words that he is right. You’re in danger and without even a single clue who the enemy is, but you know that it must be someone powerful as they got away with this so easily. “But I don’t understand why anyone would want to hurt me — I’m no one.” You mean it. You’re a human with one friend, no enemies that you know of and you have a normal, quiet life — till now.

Hyunjin can’t help the small anger rising in his chest from your words, shaking his head in disbelief that you would even think something like that. “You’re not no one, not only for me but also for others.” That made your heart skip a beat and from the way his voice was radiating sincerity. “Someone knows who you are and that leaves you in a dangerous situation…In my long life, I have never feared the enemies, I made along the way, till now.”

You go silent, only sighing deeply from his confession. He really does now how to use his words to make you go insane in the head. You can’t help but feel slightly giddy inside because of the way he always speaks to you, so kindly and passionately, in way that you have only read in books and wondered — just wondered if anyone like this truly exist. You do not know him that well but you can’t imagine him having any enemies at all...maybe his charms didn’t work all the time.

Yawning, you quickly put your hand over your mouth, silencing that embarrassing sound but it only made Hyunjin’s frown deeper. “You can go to sleep…you’re safe now.” He doesn’t think that there will be even a second of not him listening to your beating heart. The possibility of there being a scenario where he wouldn’t be able to, made him scared…he is scared.

You do feel how your eyes are getting droopy, your legs becoming soft but the thought of sleeping after all of these events really wasn’t possible. “I don’t think I can–“ You sigh in small exhaustion. However your body is telling you a whole different story and he could see it. The thing that happened just moments ago, made you truly awake, it made your eyes wide open, for the first time since you got here. Or maybe since you met him?

You started to see different colors, ones that finally made you feel alive. Like you were born again, in some sense. But was it really necessary for a sweet, innocent animal to get hurt for this? It also could have been you... The thought of some stranger creeping up on you while sleeping, you completely unaware and the person choosing to give a message like this instead of not simply killing you, made you fear even more. “—I’m still sorry for your horse…” You say again, you just can’t help but feel a little bit responsible for this.

Hyunjin has to keep calm, emotions too much for his cold heart to bear. “Like I said, it wasn’t your fault…the most important thing is that you are alright.”

Yes, of course. That was the most important thing…

But you do not in fact feel alright. You have just seen the most gruesome image, you have ever seen. It is all your fault. You do not want to be alone. You want to stay with him — he now makes you feel safe. How could you be so heartless and cold towards him? Was it just your defense mechanism with everything that brings you happiness? Finally being seen, made you frightened as there was also someone or something that saw you. It was in your room, the only goal in their mind to scare you…away?

Set of footsteps echo behind you, stopping just at the threshold of the room. You had to focus your eyes on this new face you haven’t seen before. The young man’s skin, shined in the dimly lit room, eyes reflecting like the eyes of a wild animal. He looked so young, hair longer blonde and eyes striking you with their intensity. He momentarily looked at your figure but his full attention was however on the vampire behind you. They stared at each other, the blonde giving a look which you couldn’t quite understand but Hyunjin certainly did.

You feel him right at your back, cold from his skin so close to yours. Turning around, you glance between him and the young man. His close proximity didn’t startle you that much as he with a deep inhale, backs away from you himself. “I have to go now…” He looks down at you with his blue eyes, searching for forgiveness. You don’t want to be alone…for the first time, you really need his company in some way and even if he didn’t like his nonpresence as much as himself, he needs to do at least something about this situation you’re now in. He could see your small frown, you are trying to hide but there is a hint of understanding which he is thankful for.

He takes a step closer to you but stops midway with his lips parted. Whatever there was that he wanted to say, was replaced by other words, you could see the true words reflecting in his eyes. “If you need anything, just go down to the end of the of the corridor, I will be there.”

The tension could be cut with knife, aware of the audience you two still have, you simply nod in understanding, wrapping your arms around yourself as to form some sort of barrier between you and him. Why does he have to look at you like that? Like he could see right through you or maybe trying to, flickering his vibrant eyes all over you.

Your lips also parted but you close them again as he walks past you in a sense of hurry and you didn’t even know it was because he almost decided to stay here with you…

────

And in fact, sleep didn’t find you after all. Every time you would close your eyes, you would see the gruesome picture, the sad and grey eyes staring right at you, the blood…The bed you are laying in is still cold, the heavy duvet couldn’t give you the warmth you were searching for. You desperately need someone, just to comfort you. You have never felt so scared and paranoid. Your eyes would travel all around the room, till you memorized every detail in the dimly lighted room. You didn’t let anybody blow even a single candle off because the thought of being in the dark, made your skin crawl.

The only thing which weirdly seem to comfort you were the sheets. The spicy, sweet scent lingering in them filling your nose till it helped your body to relax. You tried to ignore the fact that the sheets smelled like him. It is only because he is powerful enough to protect you, his scent wrapped around you like an embrace you still desperately need. Protect you? He even said himself that he failed to do that…Someone really tried to — or maybe at least considered to kill you. You…such a bizarre, scary, yet now true and realistic thing. And it is because of him, the man who still scares you.

You can’t really choose sides because you can see who the real enemy is. You can’t keep telling yourself that he is the one who is going to hurt you. You have to believe that he wouldn’t do that, turn into his instincts and just sucking you dry of your life. Maybe he is just a normal man trapped in his own body…

There is probably no way of going out of this now, you fear you don’t have any other choice. You just want to close your eyes and wake up. Wake up from this nightmare. You hate how you have no idea what do to. You, till now had all the control over your life as it was simple and you were basically the only person in it. You, now have to rely on him, trust him to protect you. Trust him that he will not change his mind with you.

You can’t stand a second alone anymore. The creaks of the old wood made you jump every time, your skin around your nails was already raw from your picking and you could feel the lump in your throat slowly suffocating you. You don’t want to be alone anymore, even if it means that he would be the one to safe you from this prison. You just need a small walk and not think about anything. Maybe find something to eat, since you still haven’t eaten anything, even if the thought of food made you sick to your stomach.

You clinched onto the silky skirt of your nightgown, not even caring about the cold floor under your feet. Your skin was clean but the memory still lingered as well as also the metallic smell under your nose. The black fabric trailed behind you as you make your way out of the bedroom. You simply picked the silky, long, black nightgown because it didn’t remind of that one stained in sin.

This side of the mansion was unusually cold. You wondered if it is because of the death living in these walls. Everything however other than the cold, seemed more used and alive. There were roses at every piece of furniture, the carpet which you were standing on, had in some places its color faded and even the wooden floors were scratched, probably from shoes. It all shined with such light, you haven’t seen before.

You walked further and further, till you had to turn around to look at the end of the hallway to a door. It seemed to call to you, maybe that is were he was hiding but as you reached the railing of the big staircase, you were proven otherwise.

Your hand wrapped around the polished wood of the staircase when you felt it. Him, his presence stabbing you into your back. “Where are you going?” You gasp, turning swiftly, with your eyes wide.

Maybe he should stop doing that. Maybe his quiet movements and talent to always creep up on you, just comes with his nature but you probably will never get used to it. His sudden appearance made goosebumps rise all over your body, looking at him with your lips parted. He looked in some way different...His hair was tussled, eyes piercing and weirdly wide as he stared down at your body clad in the black nightgown with an unnatural expression who think you have seen before — but you just can’t place it. His lips were red and plump, almost like just bit into a cherry. He looked…yes, different that is the word. “Nowhere…” Is your simply answer as you tighten your grip on the railing, not being able to meet his eyes. Why don’t you tell the truth? You are not sneaking out or anything but just this sudden difference in his appearance, made you quiver and lost don’t words.

He looks disappointed at your lack of answer. He licks his lips when he took a step closer to you and you couldn’t help but to follow that movement. Was it the smell of him from the sheets still lingering on you or was it coming from him? It burns your nose in an awfully pleasant way, your head almost starts to hurt from it. It wrapped around you, just the way you need, but he didn’t seem to notice your disorientation that much as he himself seems to be quite lost.

“I told you to stay in my bedroom.”

You frown at that. There’s no reason for you to be in his room the whole time, seeing that you are still being watched and he only just proved your point by showing up. Like he said, you’re safe now, at least from the person who did that horrible thing. In fact, you'd rather be doing something other than lying in bed, just wondering. Sometimes being alone with your thoughts is a lot. Finally you want to do something in this still unfamiliar place. For once, you want to do something to keep your mind occupied, so you wouldn’t again drown in your own thoughts and secondly you just don’t think it is that big of a deal that you’re outside his bedroom. There are probably many people looking after you and you’re thankful for that but he seems like he doesn’t trust them, you — to take care of yourself. Maybe you’re a human but you still have free will in this house.

“Till what?” You say, back leaning on the staircase. “I just want something to eat.” You trail off, almost like a little kind after being scolded.

“And I told you to call me if you need something–“

“I can still walk and do things myself…I’m fine.” You, so badly wanted to roll your eyes and maybe not really in annoyance. He came again closer to you and you almost shiver at the smell radiating from him. Why is it so addicting? What is he doing to you?

His stops right in front of you, making you look up into his glaring eyes. Even if his build was quite thin, he radiated power that made you want to curl up into a ball. “You’re taking all of this too lightly.” Hyunjin leans over you, your eyes completely captivated by his and the red hue they held.

“And you too…” You don’t want to say that you got lost in his eyes. Also you don’t know how to feel about someone like him being so concerned about your well being but you think he is just a little exaggerating. It happened to you, not him. You really should feel more scared and you think you even do but all of your fright seem to vanish when he is present. Again, is it only because you know him well enough now that you know, he won’t hurt you or is it only because there is someone showing you who the real danger is? Do you really trust him? Maybe but you do not trust these feelings you are starting to feel when you are with him. When he is away, you always think of him differently than when he is with you…you’re totally screwed.

Hyunjin looks you over, listening closely to your heart. It was steady, you were too calm for his liking. Just few hours ago, you were shaking and now you’re almost completely calm. “You are telling me that this doesn’t concern you?” He questioned you, trying to search in your eyes for answers as they were completely unmoving from his. “Well, it certainly does concern me.”

“That’s good for you.” Comes out of your mouth, wishing silently to not be having this conversation any longer. You suddenly feel embarrassed as you realize how you are acting. The sweet smell turned sorrow the more his frown deepened and also your own expression. Why are you acting like this? You’re a grown woman and you shouldn’t be acting like this. You don’t know if he truly noticed what you were doing but you wished for the ground to swallow you whole.

With a shaky inhale you turn your body to possibly go around him but he saw your move of getting away from him miles away. His arm blocked your way, hand grabbing the railing so close to yours, you again almost shivered as his other also caged you in. You can’t look at him now. You knew you would only embarrassed yourself further. Could he sense your desperation? Maybe this thing — the smell was playing with your head or made you do feel this way about him but you were certain that if you would look at him, you would lost the silent battle between you two.

“Just let me go.” You say, voice soft and quiet but he could hear you clearly as well as your pounding heart.

Your head is leveled with his upper chest but your eyes are set on his hand next you, gripping the railing so tightly, like he is holding the last bit of his sanity left in him. It is only to ignore his breath fanning over you but you just become more aware of his close presence. You could feel his cold breath moving your hair as he leans over your frozen body. “No.”

Your eyes look into his direction, stopping at his chest softly raising and falling and his alabaster skin, peaking out of his slightly unbuttoned shirt. “Let me go, Hyunjin.” You are now pleading because you really do feel like fainting from this rollercoaster of emotions, you’re now experiencing.

Your words may have meant a little more than either of you would like to admit. He looks down at you with such softness that he is only confident in when you are not fully seeing it. “How can you? How can you be so calm? Are you not scared that somebody tried to hurt you?” He says, hair around your forehead being swept away from his breath.

You finally look at him, pointedly. “It is not like it would be the the first time…”

Were you only this mean to see what he would do? See how much it would take for him to see that maybe you’re not the right person for him. Everything that happened was only because of someone else. And he in fact finally sees you, even more than you thought he would as he steps away from you with his eyes flashing with anger. Or maybe he is just seeing what you've been trying to achieve all along. Trying to throw away any responsibility as your form of self protection. Because your life gave you everyday the same things and when finally something new happens to you, you are too scared to do anything about it.

Maybe you were being too harsh with your words as you look upon him. As soon as he backed away from you, he comes even closer. Way closer. You become wide eyed from how fast, he pinned you up against the railing. “Listen to me, you will stay in your room till I say otherwise, I can’t compel you but I sure will convince you.” The stairs digged painfully into your back and not from you trying to get away from him, he is actually the one pressing you into it.

You breathe out as you can feel your chests up against each other and you flush at the feeling more as you realized there weren’t that many layers separating you. “You c-can’t…” You can’t talk properly as he is basically suffocating you.

He tilts his head a little at your words. “Can’t what?” Hyunjin repeats, tilting his head down at your level to maybe catch your eye fully. “You’re really testing my patience, love. I don’t want to be like this…I don’t want to make you fear me but you’re so…insufferable.”

Please, stop saying that. You do know how you are acting and that it is bad. No person deserves this and you do know what it feels like. You are becoming the very person you hate. “Hyunjin….I am so sorry — I am just so scared.” You’re scared of everything. Manly from these feelings bubbling inside your chest, not even the person that wants to hurt you, scares you more. You promise yourself to not feel this emotions again, it just never works out in your favor. You glance at him, eyes filled with sorrow that his own seemed to completely mimic. “I just don’t want to think about all of this. Everything is still so new and now this?” You look around, hating yourself for the burning in your eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore…what to feel anymore —”

His hand travels from the railing closer to your own, tips of his fingers touching your burning skin. You look down at his hand, lingering again so close to yours before looking up at him with big eyes. “Then let me…let me be you, I will protect you but you just have to let me in….” He says, whispering those words to you.

Your heart flutters at his words. Does he really mean it? If yes, would you even be able to give in fully? You can’t say that you don’t want to. His eyes look into yours with such softness, you wondered if those are really the same eyes you saw the first night you two met. You could see him, through those red irises you saw someone. His true self. He also could see the small girl peaking from behind the beautiful color of your eyes, a small girl who searched her whole life for a purpose and love. He wants to think he is what you have been searching for. He enjoys these moments of complete silence. Your voice is so warm and soothing but sometimes these silent moments gave more than words. Hyunjin could look at you freely. From your eyebrows to your eyes that showed him wrinkles of smiles and tears they have been through, to your nose that you sometimes like to stick somewhere you shouldn’t and then your lips. You do notice that.

You let him, as you are also letting your own eyes fall onto his own but the usual admiration you had for them vanished. From the conversation you had before you didn’t notice the small smudge of red at the corner of his mouth. You knew what it was, you knew what he was, so this should be normal, even for you but you today find yourself absolutely dispising this color. You turn your head away from him and he at the loosen his grip on the railing.

You don’t want to think about what happened, you don’t meet his lingering stare. You knew it would only give away your feelings for him, you wouldn’t be able to hide them. He steps away from you, still however keeping close to you but you could atleast breathe now. You look up at him then after few moments of just trying to calm yourself down, eyes falling immediately on the same spot as before, at his lips.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Huh?” You let out dumbly, momentarily looking at his eyes which held a teasing flicker. “–something?”

His lips curl up at one corner, exactly the one where the smear is. “Well, you will have to tell me more if you want something, angel.”

Can he stop with these nicknames already? Nobody called you that before and it made an unfamiliar feeling rise in your chest. You could feel your face burning and you knew he could tell. You frown at that, embarrassed. “Stop it” You mumbled to yourself but it was in some way mainly meant for him and you don’t immediately realize he could still hear you.

“Stop what?” He asks, confused but you knew with the look on his face that he is teasing you.

You sigh. “Nothing…” Playing along and to safe yourself from further embarrassment, you start to play with the skirt of your nightgown. “…whatever there is available.”

You starts again fidgeting in his presence but this was totally normal now it seams. You really do become aware of how much you can’t speak freely to new people, so used to the small circle you had. Oh, how you missed them but you do think that if Mia knew at least with who you’re spending your time with, she would be absolutely delighted for you. You dream about having at least enough confidence to speak without any fear of how the others would perceive you but on the other hand, you really didn’t think twice before talking. Like now.

His lips which had your full attention parted to maybe again say something teasing in his sultry voice of his but your thoughts were already flying from your mouth before he could even get a sound out. “Why is there blood on your mouth?”

There is silence after that, watching how the warmness in his eyes slightly dimmed. You’re always asking such questions — you do know why. It was just a small thought that you should have kept to yourself. He looked at you with a small pointed look, not knowing how to answer because it was so obvious. Yes, it truly was. However your mind sometimes likes to blur the fact that he really feeds from blood and blood only. Such a fairytale — perhaps nightmare he is, you still can’t wrap your head around it.

His eyes linger on yours while he swipes the blood from his lips with his thumb, his movements little too slow to not be intentional. The fact he then wraps his plump lips around the digit is definitely on purpose. Your own parted into a silent gasp, feeling your heart, hammering against your chest from his actions.

You think that maybe he was going to say something again or take a challenging step closer to you but your little moment was interrupted by a set of quick footsteps with heavy breathing. You both turn to your left to see a young woman, coming from the hallway, stopping for a second as she jumps at your appearance. Your eyes travel from her scared eyes to her clothes, giving you a clue that she is one of the maids in this home but you definitely couldn’t look away from the blood coating her hand which was pressed into her neck.

Your heart broke a little as you connected the dots, flickering your gaze to Hyunjin. The woman thankfully didn’t stay for too long as she quickly disappeared from your sight. You do still look into her direction because you can’t look at him again. Maybe you are just exaggerating but to you this is a big deal. You don’t know if feeding from someone means anything to them — him but to you it does. Piercing someone’s skin with your teeth to drink blood which was your source of pleasure…It is no one of your business if he is with other women — or is it?

You could feel your face unwillingly scrunch up into a frown, you can’t hide that you are upset and somehow disgusted by this anymore. Hyunjin stiffened, the thick silence even for him too much to bare, tilting his head to meet your eyes and maybe make you see how sorry he truly is for you to see him like this, again. However you simply turn away more from him. Somehow he understands your reaction but he is not so sure why you would take it so deeply. It is a normal thing for him. He needs to feed after all, just under these different circumstances.

He calls out to you but you ignore him, pressing your lips into a thin line to appear, somewhat not too affected. Your lack of reaction makes him feel small — thinking carefully about the right words, so as not to make you even more upset or scare you more away from him. If you’re taking this so seriously so shall he. He didn’t even think twice about such thing but he has to keep in mind that you’re still new to this. “You must understand that I have to feed.” He says, sighing at your frown that you are trying to make as little as possible. “It means nothing—“

You look up, puzzled little with yourself. One side is telling you that this is alright and nothing is wrong with it but your other side is telling you the complete opposite. He wishes to be with you but does something like this? Something so intimate? You feel your own skin tingling at the thought of his teeth piercing your own very skin. Jealousy strikes you in the back of your head, showing you exactly why you so despised this. You don’t know for sure, if you want to be the one to give him blood but you for sure don’t like anyone else doing it. Is it so normalized to bite someone into their most sensitive places and drink from them? He looks unsure of what to do next as you only look at his face with emotionless expression but like he said — your eyes always gave you away.

“If you want this to work…I want you to stop feeding — atleast like this.” Maybe you don’t mind him feeding from someone but just not there…that only should be for you only. “It maybe doesn’t mean anything to you but it does to me. I know, I shouldn’t be asking you this, how to feed but to me it feels…intimate.” And erotic, you wanted to say but even this simply word, was somehow hard enough to get out of your mouth under his watchful eyes. Hyunjin stays silent a little more and not like you, he seems to think over his words.

“Alright…” He answered you, before his face falls so quickly into a frown that you almost missed it, but it wasn’t from your disagreement with his diet. It was simply because of the way you sounded out the words. “–are you saying, you want me to feed off you only?”

You should’ve known better, of course he just asked you that as it wasn’t already so obvious from your confession. Your hand flies to your chest, pressing your palm slightly where your heart starts to beat a little faster, your eyes big and eyebrows furrowed. “I-I…don’t know.” It really is quite a unique question to be asked, but you do ignore the fact that you already know the answer.

He blinks at your weak tone, a small smile tugging at his lips. “You say that a lot, but I know, you do know, Y/N…” He said, waiting a little before continuing, maybe to see if you would say something more, but you only look at him through your pretty lashes. He sighs at your expression, before tilting his head down. “I will stop feeding in the sense of biting.” You meant that you don’t want him to bite someone in their neck, but you are pleasantly surprised by his answer, so you stay quiet. “Now, I’ll bring you something to eat, it will be waiting for you on the table outside of our room.” You shutter embarrassingly at that one specific word, coughing, to mask your shocked reaction. He didn’t make a move that indicated that he just heard your embarrassing noise of shock, but in his head he was smiling big. You thought that this conversation would still go on but you’re happy with how it ended. At least you’re not fully at each other’s throats. Huh, funny…

You are now the one with your lips left apart, words swirling in your head as he passed by you, his hand grazing so close to yours which was placed on the corner of the railing when he started to ascend down the stairs. Your nose is yet again, hit with his smell, wrapping around you like a duvet of the embrace you so needed. Watching him walk away from you, though didn’t feel like the other times and only after he disappeared from your line of sight, you walked back to yours and his bedroom.

────

It is been a long day, such a long day for you to just again drown in your thoughts. You didn’t leave the room for the rest of the day, simply spending your time on one of the couches, reading. The words however as the day slowly turned into night started to blur. From your exhaustion and also from the realization of the situation that will soon have to be dealt with. You look at the bed with a blank expression, because there couldn’t be a face for you to express with all the emotions you were experiencing.

As the sun set, you finally decided to open the heavy curtains, blocking, till now, your view of the outside. You could have opened them sooner, but you didn't want to risk him getting caught in the sunlight — however, he didn’t come. You looked out the window, till you saw the sun disappear and the moon appear. Every day that passed by was so slow to you, but by that time the nature had time to bloom into its beauty. Everything started to get greener, more vivid — was the earth always this colorful? The warm, orange light tickle your skin that you almost felt like one of those creatures as because you got so used to the darkness. But you did start to see its own beauty — Hyunjin came late that night as expected and sleep didn’t creep up on you, till he arrived. Perhaps you were concern, but you don’t want to say that…

You were already in bed, body tucked under the heavy duvet and eyes closed, but you could tell that he knew, you were awake. He just simply chose to not say anything, maybe not to disturb you in your peaceful state, but inside you were shaking. He went to the bathroom and at that you were again thinking about how you two will share the same bed…

You have never shared a bed with a man before, even like this — you haven’t even been to a man’s bedroom till now! Was it fright that made your heart beat so fast? You know, he wouldn’t do anything to you, but still….or maybe you were just nervous. And not in a bad way it seemed. Your fingers gripped onto the bed as the every passing second, he spend more in the bedroom, became even more unbearable for you.

You waited for him to come back. A long time at that and you didn’t have a single clue that his long stay in the bathroom, was simply because he was nervous too. He, spend his time simply looking at himself in the mirror, thinking about how to calm himself down. Who would have thought that he could even feel such an emotion? To him, the time that he spend inside the bathroom wasn’t long enough for him to find the right courage to come back into the room, but it was long enough for him to think back to the moment you two shared.

Drinking blood from someone, became for him a daily thing, a normal thing, like for you to drink and eat. Till you said that — was he always this blind? He never thought of drinking from someone this way, but he knew of course that for humans it was different. He did feel the pleasure, but for humans it was out of this world experience almost, but you didn’t know that…You only said that it seemed intimate and he is thankful that you don’t know the whole truth about how a vampire bite feels for a human…What were you doing to him? It is been a long time since he second guessed himself like that. He became more careful with his moves, since you arrived, but he can’t lie that he still is a little reckless sometimes and just does what his heart desires and acts on his instincts.

Time flew past quickly, yet so slowly, but you couldn’t fight the hazy state you are falling into any longer. Your eyes closed a long time ago, but now the deep frown on your face started to soften. You felt your body falling, melting almost into the sheets and your mind became so quiet and peaceful that you didn’t have the power to acknowledge the silent creek of the bathroom door.

His slow footsteps blend in with your heartbeat in your ear. The old floor creaking under his weight, was the only thing giving him away. You hear the last creak stop next to the bed, hair on the back of your neck standing up at that. You could feel his stare on the back of your head that peaked out of the soft duvet. Being so sleepy, you didn’t feel your heart pounding that much, but you do wait anxiously for his next move, eyes wide set on his silhouette dancing in the candle light on the wall.

You feel cold air of the room piercing your back as the duvet is slightly lifted off you. You realize at that you basically stole almost all of it and in some way, it made you embarrassed simply because it were his own sheets — and also your nose unconsciously kept digging into them, filling your lungs with his smell. You don’t feel much bad because you knew he didn’t need anything to cover himself with. You wanted to give him more of it, but you only found yourself completely frozen as your whole senses heightened when you feel a dip in the bed.

The bed was big, but soft enough to feel how his whole body fell into it. When the only source of light is then blown away, you became highly aware of the body laying behind you. Was he watching you? Probably, like he always did. Your heart jumped a little as he rolled his body over and you just knew that he was facing your back.

His blue eyes watched your body and other than the small rising of your body when taking a breath, you were completely unmoving. He played with the edge of the duvet, that didn’t even cover a little of him. Pulling up the duvet, was a request for you to at least give him some, but as you didn’t even move an inch, he chose to sacrifice a night without it.

Few moments passed by and again you became sleepy, snuggling into the bed and missing another subtle shift of the body behind you. You don’t even feel him, leaning his upper body over yours. You don’t even feel the cold breath on your cheeks nor the cold radiating so close behind you.

He leaned over you, left hand keeping his upper body from falling onto yours. His other twitched in the air, just hovering over the length of your waist. He for a second couldn’t help but stare at your blissful state. From your red cheeks bitten by the cold, smushing almost together from your face being so snuggled into the pillow to your eyelashes fanning over your cheekbones, to your ruffled hair, creating a halo around you, till again his eyes fell onto your lips. They were puckered slightly, flushed just as your cheeks. You looked absolutely ethereal. He must say, he has seen you sleep before, but not from this angle nor this close. It was like seeing you from a complete different perspective — view of a lover, he wished to say.

But then, your so called blissful state was interrupted when you felt it — when you felt the weight of his arm around you, tugging you into him. Your eyes shoot open, heart almost jumping out of your chest, but you don’t immediately move away. You savor the feeling of him hugging you, the feeling of his body flush against yours. But as the coldness of his skin started to seep through the layers of clothes, duvet and then piercing through the warmth into you, you move away from him.

He didn’t hold you tightly nor forcefully as you jump to the edge of the bed quite easily. “I am sorry, I can’t…” You croaked, quietly into the darkness.

His head hanged low, already hating himself more from doing that, making you uncomfortable and just doing something without your permission. His nails teared through the material of the sheets as his eyes fell onto your still not turned body. “I understand.” He whispered back. He really does, but he thought that maybe, you could at least let him touch you like this, just hold you. “I will sleep somewhere else.”

You only nod a little, eyes still looking into the darkness before you. As he got out of the bed, the coldness left with him and you realize that it truly was completely different from the one in the room. You listen closely to his footsteps, before you hear a muffled huff as he fell probably onto the couch. You feel bad for him to be the one to leave his own bed, but there probably wouldn’t be even a room for you to talk otherwise. You lay back down fully after a minute, his presence still known to you and at that sense of calmness washed over you.

His eyes reflected in the dark as he watched you again from afar. He saw how your breaths after a moment became even, body completely sinking into his bed. Closing his own eyes, the soft thuds of your heart, filled his ears. And that melody accompanied by the pictures of every moment today with you kept his mind occupied, till he felt his own need of sleep come over him. At least he has something to dream about now.

[aheathen-conceivably]

Far atop the dusty downtown of Strangerville stood what felt like a different world. During the decades of the gold rush Eastern settlers had flooded the town and the settlements around it, displacing the people of the land even further as they dug into it for their own ends. The ones who succeeded ended up here, in Shady Acres, where they could look atop the empire they drilled into the ground.

Now, most of the houses sat abandoned, left to the disrepair of time and the harsh desert sands as the promise of ever greater riches took their owners further West to California and Oregon. There were little signs of life on the streets other than a lone truck making its way up the hillside, inhabited by two people who still weren’t quite comfortable being alone together anymore.

Gio directed Jo to pull to the edge of the cliff face, overlooking the town they had just driven from. She struggled to get the turn just right, but it was better than her other practice attempts, so he gave her a quiet smile of approval as she shifted the gear into park. Even from inside the metal truck they could hear the wind howling. It had been their constant companion on these near silent journeys up this road the past few weeks. 

He knew that the road further West was filled with places like this, miles and miles of winding curves and jaw dropping heights that would take a steady hand on the wheel. Antoine had taken one look inside the car and immediately refused to learn how to drive it. So burying whatever remaining fears and anger he had deep inside, Gio had gotten in the passenger seat with Jo and offered to teach her how to drive.

With every lesson, he knew that he was essentially giving her the tools she needed to leave him, the one thing he had been so afraid of that he was willing to lie and cheat to prevent it from happening. Now he felt like all he could do was sit by hope every inch he gave or silent acquiescence would serve to bind her closer to him rather than push her further away. Still in the back of his mind his fears kept nagging, so much so that as the day for her to leave came closer he couldn’t stay quiet anymore.

The wind kept howling, threatening to drown out his voice as he reached toward her. “Jo, mi raccomando…”

She braced herself for the same apology about his lie over the loan that she already had memorized. What more did he want her to say? She had stayed, hadn’t she? Stayed outwardly for Violette but really, quietly and inwardly, for all of them. Because she loved them all, but more than anything, because she loved him.

Only how was she supposed to tell him that? That she had fought back every instinct to leave so that she could stay with him, even if the price to pay to do so was that she would never trust him again. Because he had shown her that she had been wrong about him. He could hurt her, just as well as any other man she had ever known could. Except now that she had let him inside, now that she loved him, he could hurt her all the more. So she had to compensate somehow, to regain some sort of ground to stand on or she would be left weak to him doing it all over again.

“You don’t need to answer, okay?” Her head stayed turned just as he knew it would, and her hand went to the wheel as though the steady the car from the roar of the desert wind. It grew stronger as his voice grew more emotional, shaking the car and whipping across the top of the mesa.

“I can’t make you forgive me for any of what happened, but I’m sorry I didn’t support you and Antoine going on tour, or even really put you in the position where you could have chosen to do it for yourself and not to save us from some choice I made. I just…every time you walk out the door I’m afraid you won’t come home, that you’ll find someone or something else and I’ll never see you again.”

The sun was hitting directly in her eyes, mingling there with the stinging of tears that she tried her hardest to hold back. Only it was too bright, and she couldn’t possibly fight it, so one small tear after another rolled down her face while she stayed staring at it.

Whatever else he said after that was inconsequential as she let the sunbeams dry her unexpected tears; because he had already broken through her carefully constructed armor, made brittle by anger, restlessness, and love. But he couldn’t know that, or it would make everything she had done up to this point meaningless. The portion of the farm that was now hers, betraying Antoine, Zelda’s pained resolve, Violette’s angry confusion. She endured it all in some effort to regain control and hope for her own life; only it was so tenuous that she was convinced a few stray tears could undermine it all, so she made sure her face was completely dry before she turned to face him.

By the time she did so he had gone quiet and only a sliver of his profile could be seen. The rest of him was pretending to study the desert landscape, visibly struggling to adhere to his promise that he wouldn’t speak again until she answered him.

As it always did in moments like this, his vulnerability astounded her. He had meant every word he said, and he had spoken them without pause, trusting her to meet him halfway despite her track record of never having done so before. He had signed over a portion of his lease with a clenched fist only to climb into the passenger seat of his own truck, giving patient instructions with an anxious edge as she drove them further and further from town. Every choice he had made was in pursuit of some twisted idea of love, all the while she was guided by some nebulous idea of strength, the undeniable compulsion to never feel trapped again even if her own love had tried to temper it time and time again.

Jo reached over to touch his face and turn it toward her own. He gave no hesitation as he leaned into her touch, no questions and no judgement for the streaks on her face that must have still been visible from up so close. “Gio, look at me. I’m going to come home, okay?”

She left out that she wished this wasn’t home, some place she had no connection to or hope for, one filled with harsh desert winds barely keeping failed dreams afloat. A land of drought and struggle so incessant that it had almost worn down even her will. Some days it still felt like it was trying to accomplish what it nearly had when she was afloat in that bed, miserable and useless.

But shielded from it all inside the confines of his truck, with only his earnest expression and kind but well worn hands to anchor her down, suddenly it did feel like home. Or at least he did. So in a rare moment, she spoke without a single ounce of pretense or calculation, letting the need to keep herself in control float away on the howling wind. “I promise you, I’m always going to come home. No matter what.”

[revelboo]

Last Night Pt 3

IDW Bumblebee x Reader

• Carefully wrapping a blanket about you, he shifts you in his grip, enchanted by having someone even smaller than he is around. He knows some of the other bots are still on the fence about humans, but he’d been fascinated since he’d seen Wheeljack’s the first time. Tiny, but shaped curiously like a Cybertronian, soft with no natural defenses. Helpless compared to them. Everything about it had stirred his protective instincts. His curiosity. But he’d never meant for this to happen. Running a knuckle along your spine, he vents sharply when you stir in his grip, a little unhappy noise escaping you as you lift your head. Spot him and scream.

• The nightmare isn’t over. That big, yellow thing has warm metal servos curled around your middle, its denta bared in a grimace as you struggle to get away. Screaming to be let loose. And it listens. Your knees give out when it tries to place you on your feet and you fall on your butt in an awkward sit on the surface it’s set you on. Then it just backs up a step, both hands raised, palm out. “It’s okay. I won’t hurt you,” it says as you shudder. Needing to get away, to run, but too scared to move. “Look. See? I’m just, I’m going over here, okay?” Hands still up, it glances at a big metal berth and backs up toward it slowly as if it’s scared of you and that breaks through the terror gripping you as you clutch at the blanket draped around you. Watching it go and sit on the berth, hands still lifted in supplication. “See? We’re good.”

• Afraid to move in case you panic and hurt yourself, or Primus, help him, your little heart stops, he just waits. Watches you cling to the blanket he gave you as your breathing slows and your eyes dart around the room, then back to him in quick glances. “Where am I?” You ask and it’s a relief that you’re not screaming anymore. He wants to move closer, the fear on your face painful to watch. Knows that if he tries to hold you, to comfort you, that he might scare you again. So he lets his hands drop.

• “This is the Ark,” it says, glowing, blue optics flicking over your face, dipping to the white knuckled grip you have on the blanket. The voice is soft, masculine and friendly. “I’m Bumblebee,” it adds, he adds, you correct yourself. It’s hard to be scared senseless when he’s going out of his way to appear as harmless as a giant, metal robot can. Like he’s worried about frightening you. “Can I come closer? I won’t hurt you or-“

• “No,” you say with a shudder, the soft denial cutting him off and his shoulders slump. It’s not what he wants to hear, but he understands. You’re here now and not going anywhere. He can be patient if it means having someone to talk to, not being alone anymore. “Stay over there.” Sure. Whatever you need, just keep talking. Even if it’s just to tell him to go away or leave you alone. Even if you hate him, that doesn’t matter either. Just stay. Anything’s better than that lonely silence.

Previous

[girlboypersonthingy]

Hey! I saw you were starting to write for Blitzø so I’d love to request something! Could you do Blitzø x fem or gn reader in which reader comforts him after he has a very bad day and reassures him about his insecurities? That man needs to let himself cry in front of someone and also needs a hug! I love him sm I need more works where we can comfort him!! 🫶🏻

SORRY NOT SORRY I SKIPPED OVER LIKE 6 OTHER REQUESTS BC I NEED TO WRITE THIS ANGSTY BLITZ REQUEST IMMEDIATELY ITS TOO GOOD IM SO- 😳🥺 I just wanna hold him…enjoy, anon~

Notes: imp!reader, gn!reader, not an established relationship but mutual crushing and pining, reader works at IMP, angst to fluffy comfort

Blitzø x reader- Bad Day 💔

Blitz had the shittiest shit day ever and was ready to fall asleep and stay asleep forever. Between feeling excluded and lonely after seeing Millie and Moxxie’s displays of affection during dinner at Ozzie’s, then Fizz and Verosika giving him shit in front of the entire restaurant and Stolas being disgustingly clingy as always, Blitz felt himself breaking down, deteriorating from the inside out. It really stuck with him when he heard a restaurant patron shout, “YOU’RE SLEEPIN’ WITH AN IMP?” when referring to him and Stolas. What an embarrassment for both of them. He already has a very low self-esteem and that comment just solidified all his intrusive thoughts- no matter who he’s with, how successful he becomes, how much money he has, he’ll always be just an imp.

Blitzø stumbled through the front door of his apartment, rapidly proceeding to Loona’s room with a small smile. His precious girl always cheers him up, even when she’s in a bad mood…which is always. At the exact moment he sees the note on her door saying that she is out at a party, his smile drops to a disappointed frown. With the upper half of his body hunched over, his arms dangling limply by his sides, he trudges over to the couch and collapses on it with a huff.

This feeling was way too overwhelming- he felt suffocated by his clothes, pushed around and beaten by his own mind. He felt defeated and had no idea how to get himself out of this state of mind. He pulls out his phone to scroll through some pictures, maintaining his lonely frown the whole time. Blitz rolls his eyes at an old pic of him and Verosika. Then, he finds himself looking at a photo of his mom, sister and him, so happy, so close. After only seconds of looking into the picture, all his feelings unexpectedly erupt from him. The tears forced their way to the surface, gushing down his red and white cheeks. His chest felt like it was gonna cave in any second now, his lungs forgetting how to breath calmly.

“Fuck…” He chokes out while tossing his phone aside and sprawling out over the couch. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He couldn’t stop the tears from welling up and overflowing, he couldn’t slow his breaths, he couldn’t even open his eyes they felt so swollen already. He had never felt so alone before. Laying on his stomach with his wet, snotty face in the pillows, he completely lets loose. A guttural, miserable, shaky moan leaves him as he weeps, his fists clenching around nothing in particular.

Just as he sucks in a quivering gasp of air, the sound of the front door opening caused him to hold his breath and stay completely still. “Blitz?” Fuck…of all people to walk in on him during his pathetic mental breakdown, why you? He’s literally praying that you’ll just go away but he knows you won’t, you’ll keep looking until you find him. He knows this, but he stays hidden and silent on the couch until you finally walk around and see him.

“Blitz? Whats wrong? What happened?” Stepping over to him quickly then kneeling on your knees beside him, he seems to retreat even further away. Blitz scoots into the couch more, turning his head away from you as he exhales then inhales and then holds it again. “Are you okay?” Obviously, he’s not okay but he nods his head anyways. “You can talk to me, Blitz.” Finally, he lets out all the air he was holding in. “I don’t wanna fucking talk right now.” He manages to mutter out between hiccups and sniffles. “Oh…okay.” Your voice a soft whisper now, Blitz again finds his hands balled up into tight fists, his fingers digging deeply into his palms. Dammit…he did mean to snap at you.

But instead of abandoning him, you shimmy your way onto the couch next to him, one arm coming to wrap around his torso as you lay your head against his back. You can hear everything with your ear to his back- his shaky breathing, his soft whimpers he’s trying so hard to hold back. “We don’t have to talk. We can just…lay here. I’m with you, okay?” You pull him closer, his back up against your stomach as you give him a gentle squeeze.

He tried so fucking hard to conceal it, to play it off in front of you, he really did but he lost it again, crumbling apart right in your arms. After hearing the sweet words of reassurance you offered him and the way your hand was now rubbing slowly across his heaving chest and the way you didn’t leave him…he can’t help but let it all out. Blitz softly shakes against you, making your heart ache for him. You’ve seen him in so many different moods and different situations, in so many silly costumes and you’ve heard some pretty vile things leave his mouth but you’ve never seen him like this. He was an absolute mess.

Slowly and carefully, you scoot closer, fitting your knees perfectly in the back of his. With a slight hum and one hand still rubbing his chest, you close your eyes as you rest against his back still. “Is there anything I can do for you?” Softly, you speak as Blitz exhales deeply once again. “Anything you need, just say the word.” Your hand stops the rubbing of his chest as you take a moment to squeeze him again.

“Don’t leave me…” With a crack in his voice, Blitz finally responds before curling in on himself even more. “I’m not going anywhere, promise.” As you nuzzle your cheek against his back. Your reply calms him, allowing his body to finally soften into your embrace. Together, you lay like this for a while, finding comfort in the sound of each other’s breathing.

Eventually, Blitz weakly turns himself around to reveal his somewhat improved mood. His eyes are puffy and glossy but the tears had stopped. His frown is a nasty one, one of the worst you’ve ever seen him wear but his eyes show a hint of something more positive as well- a look of hope? admiration? appreciation? Now facing you and looking at your face right there in front of him, hope, admiration and appreciation all swelled within him. He felt so lucky to have you, as an employee, as a friend… and maybe you two would be more one day. Maybe more…today? Right now?

“Do you think I’m… just a stupid imp? That I’ll always be seen as just an imp?” He can’t bring himself to look at you now, eyes scanning the ceiling instead. “Do you think I’m just a stupid imp? Is that all you see me as?” You immediately reply, watching as he starts to over analyze the situation. “No, no, of course not. You’re…fucking awesome.” His eyes land on your face for a second before they shift back to the ceiling. “So are you, boss.” Blitz scoffs lightly at your words, giving you a disapproving glare. “No! Really! I mean it, Blitz.” A soft sigh comes from him and he’s having a hard time believing your words.

“It’s gonna be okay.” You say with a light hearted tone and a small smile. Gently, teasingly you reach up to his face and use your thumbs to pull the corners of his mouth up into a smile. “Awww! There he is, there’s my guy!” As you pull your hands away, a smile finds your face as you notice his smile doesn’t fall, he’s smiling for real now. It’s not a big smile, honestly it’s barely a smile at all but it’s something. It’s better than the horrible frown he had on earlier.

“You sure you don’t wanna talk about it?” You ask cautiously, not wanting to upset him anymore. “I’m sure.” His reply is immediate and short, making you stay quiet after. Instead of using your voice, you go back to comforting him physically. With one hand on his cheek again, cupping his face this time, Blitz leans forward to rest his forehead against yours. Simultaneously, you both close your eyes and let out a deep breath.

As you let your thumb trace back and forth over the skin of his cheek, Blitz opens his eyes again and takes this chance to just stare down at you, at your eyelashes, at your skin and any little scars or blemishes that decorate it, at your lips as they part momentarily to suck in a breath. Without thinking it over, he kisses you. It’s quick, not necessarily soft because he came in kind of fast but it wasn’t hard or sloppy or anything like that. It was sort of a test of the waters for Blitz. He wanted much more than a measly peck from you but he didn’t want go all in on you and scare you off or weird you out.

To his surprise, before he can get a good look at your reaction, you’re chasing his face as he pulls away. As you lean forward, a shocked ‘mmm’ rumbles from Blitzø’s throat when your lips meet his again. This time, the kiss lasts longer. It remains sweet and simple, there’s no tongue, no spit or even much movement from your mouths at all. After locking lips for a few seconds, you part to finally look at each other. Your smiles mock each other’s, both growing bigger and bigger.

This isn’t at all how either of you imagined your first kiss together. Blitz had something more rough and dirty in mind but he’s beyond grateful that you still respect him after seeing him in such a lowly position. You’re not sure what comes over him as he stares at your lips but he confidently yanks you back into him, kissing you again.

With his mouth still covering most of your own, he mumbles, “Earlier, you said anything I need and now I need you.” The kiss is deepened by Blitz carefully moving his lips against yours, both your heads tilting to find the perfect position. His hands roam up and down your back at an extremely slow pace as his mouth follows along, moving in tandem with yours.

“Yes, sir.”

And the rest of the evening is spent gently coddling and lovingly appreciating each other at such a close range. The kissing lasts so long, that eventually you’re both just lazily pecking each other on the lips over and over and over again with closed eyes and relaxed limbs. It’s nice, it’s simple yet romantic and Blitz has never felt more safe or comfortable in his entire existence.

“And if you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you.”

“No, you won’t.”

“You’re right, I won’t. But please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

[loquaciousferret]

I could totally see Javi using his handcuffs on you and getting rough with you when you get mouthy with him because he’s gone a lot for work and you’re lonely 🤭

Ugh dude this thought sent me fucking feral… I had to write something about it immediately. I want him to be my slutty cop boyfriend so bad.

I tried to keep my response to this short and safe to say that didn’t happen so here we go lol I took this and ran with it

All Work, No Play

Pairing: Javier Peña x f!reader

Warnings: 18+ for smut. Unprotected sex, rough sex, use of handcuffs/restraints, pet names, angry(ish) sex, roleplay. Spanking. Maybe more so read at your own risk!

Word Count: 1.5k

Taglist: @silkiers @tightjeansjavi

You heard the key turning in the lock and then Javier’s distinct footsteps as he entered the apartment.

You checked the clock in the corner of your laptop as you continued typing away. 11:14PM.

He called your name and you ignored him, your attention remaining on what you were working on. He found his way to you quickly anyway where you sat at the kitchen table that doubles as your office space in your small apartment.

“s’there any dinner?” He grunts, pouring himself a whisky.

You don’t look up as you respond, flatly. “There was. Three hours ago.”

You can feel his eyes burning into you, but you don’t meet them. The only sounds in the room are of him sipping at his drink and you typing.

“Well, sweetheart, I’m sorry that Escobar didn’t consider your dinner plans when he decided to kill some of my men today. I’ll make sure he consults you first next time.” You hate when his tone drips with sarcasm like this. You knew what you signed up for with Javi and his work, but it shouldn’t mean that you were never allowed to be disappointed about how little time you got with your fiancé.

“Funny, Peña.” You finally flick your gaze up to take him in. His eyes are dark.

“Don’t call me that.” He says through gritted teeth.

You slam the lid of your laptop closed, knowing you won’t be able to concentrate again with you and Javier at each others throats.

“Or what?” You defy.

“Listen cariño,” He begins. He smiles and it seems warm at first but you notice it doesn’t reach his eyes. He has finished off his first whisky already and is pouring a second. “You only know Javi. You wouldn’t want to get to know Agent Peña.”

“Actually, if this Agent Peña knows how to treat a woman, I think you ought to introduce me.”

Before you can decide whether this last comment was a terrible idea and a step too far, he has finished his drink in one swift gulp, closed the distance between you with two confident strides, and is ripping you out of your chair, lifting you and placing you down again so you are perched on the kitchen table.

“He doesn’t really deal with women unless they are suspects or whores. Which are you?” He growls in your ear.

You clench your thighs together. You curse whatever faulty part of your brain is making you extremely horny instead of jarred by hearing your fiancée talk like this.

“Well I’m certainly not a whore.” You whisper.

“Hm.” He murmurs, nodding, his face still so close to you that the motion tickles.

In a swift and clearly practiced motion, he has flipped you round and is pressing you into the edge of the table. Then, cool metal slips around both of your wrists, tighter and tighter until you can barely wriggle your hands.

You briefly wonder what has gotten into Javi. This is not something you have ever done together. He doesn’t mix work and pleasure anymore, not with you. It had lost all appeal for him. Or so you thought.

His rock-hard erection straining in his jeans against you snaps you quickly out of these thoughts and back into the moment.

You wiggle your ass, rubbing against him and he grabs the handcuffs and pulls, making them dig into your wrists. You whine at the not entirely unpleasant pain.

“Don’t fucking move.” He hisses into your ear. “Try anything funny and you’ll regret it.”

You are surprised at how much this turns you on. Javi does a good job separating his work persona from the side of himself he gives you. The man in command of you now couldn’t be further from your doting partner. But you like it.

“I think,” he says, “this arrangement will work for us both. Maybe teach you not to get caught up in the wrong crowd again.”

He maintains a tight grip on the handcuffs with one hand and is unbuckling his belt and freeing his cock from his jeans with the other. He roughly grabs at the tight yoga pants you are wearing and tears them down your legs until they bunch around your ankles. He spreads your thighs as much as possible in this position with one strong hand, before sliding a finger through your dripping wet folds.

“You dirty girl. You wanted this, didn’t you?” He teases, rubbing at your wetness with more force.

“Mmhmm.” You agree, the affirmation coming out as a breathy moan.

“If you take my cock well enough, I won’t tell anyone about what you’ve done. How does that sound?”

“Yes, please Javi.” You moan. This earns you a harsh slap to your ass cheek and you yelp.

“Who do you think you are talking to?”

“I’m sorry, Agent Peña. Yes. I can take it.”

“That’s it.” He praises, his tone low and husky. He slips a couple of fingers inside you, working them in and out, curling them to reach the most pleasurable spots. “Show me some respect. It will make this easier on you.”

He lets go of the handcuffs and you relax onto the cold wood beneath you, laying your chest flat against the surface of the table. He removes his fingers but the sensation is quickly replaced with his large tip nudging at your entrance.

He stills for a second. You go to turn round to look at him, wondering why he has hesitated and you find him taking his shirt off. Then, suddenly he plunges into you right to the hilt at full force.

You cry out at the feeling.

“You told me you could take it.” He grunts, piercing you with full force thrusts.

“Y-Yes.” You moan out. “I can take it, Agent. Please don’t stop.”

The table creaks as he continues to plow into you. You strain against the handcuffs. He enjoys watching you like this and he regrets not having tried it with you sooner.

The sounds of skin slapping and your moans and cries fill the apartment, probably audible from the hallway and the neighbouring properties. Neither of you care. It was the first sex you had had all week. His schedule made it hard to ever get enough of each other.

He pulls out and turns you onto your back, you wrap your legs around his waist. He gropes at your tits roughly, slapping, pinching and squeezing them as he fucks you into the table. It moves across the tiled floor slightly due to the force. With your arms pinned behind you, the handcuffs dig into you, and you arch your back to get away from them.

“Does it hurt?” He grumbles.

“Yes, Sir.” You whine.

“Good.” He says back. He moves one hand to play with your clit, rubbing it in gentle circles. This sensation distracts you from the pain of the metal biting into your skin.

It doesn’t take long before you can feel yourself getting closer to orgasm. You had been touch-starved all week and that only made it easier for him to pleasure you.

“Tell me who makes you feel this good?” He demands.

“Ah-“ You try to speak and only a cry of pleasure escapes you.

“Answer me.” He snaps, lightly slapping your clit. The sensation sends tingles rushing through your whole body. He sees your reaction and does it again.

“Y-You, Agent.” You struggle to get out. “Only you, Agent Peña.”

“That’s right.” He rubs your clit again, faster and with more force. The friction is close to sending you over the edge.

“Don’t cum yet.” He warns. “Together.”

You bite your lip and nod. His hands move to your hips and he slams you down onto his cock, each thrust hits the deepest part of you and you struggle to hold back, clenching around him, becoming impossibly tight as you concentrate on withholding your release.

His thrusts falter and he grunts loudly, then demands “Cum for me. Now, baby.”

You focus on your pleasure and you let go, your legs tensing up around him, holding him closer inside you. He spills into you with a string of curses falling from his lips.

“Jesus.” He says, and pulls out with a hiss.

He lifts you up towards him by his shoulders, holding you close. He searches in his jacket pocket which is strewn over a nearby chair, retrieving the key and unlocking the handcuffs, tossing them aside. They clatter loudly where they land.

You know the moment is over and your Javi is back when he tenderly strokes your hair with one hand, presses a kiss to your forehead, and rubs your wrists with his other large, warm palm. “I have the rest of the weekend off. I’ll take you out to dinner tomorrow, hm?”

You smile and nuzzle closer into his bare chest, tightening your arms around him into a hug. “Thank you, Agent Peña”

He tuts at you and pulls away, grinning. “Don’t get me going again, girl.”

[atinylittlepain]

Love your writing! I love the Unexpected universe, could I please request a really angsty Joel story where baby Miller gets sick nothing extreme, just a colicky baby but because of what happened to Sarah it just brings all of Joel’s fear to the surface? Please add some fluff spice with reader trying to comfort him and cute baby and dad moments?

aw man, i got a bit carried away with this one, i hope you like it <3

Unmet Expectations

dad!joel miller x f!reader

joel miller masterlist

When baby miller gets sick, Joel gets stuck in the past, leaving her feeling lonelier than ever before.

warnings | 18+ angst, hurt/comfort, grief, sick baby oof, smut at the end

a/n | this one is long, and rather emotionally charged, but with a happy ending of course for our Unexpected Expectings fam :)

....................................

There isn’t much sleeping going on in the Miller household. Except for Ellie, who has the good fortune to be out in the garage, away from the seemingly endless crying. It started a little over a month ago. She had settled Libby down for her afternoon nap, only to be promptly startled by her girl’s shrieking wail, a sound she would become all too familiar with as time progressed and it became clear that they have one very colicky baby on their hands. 

At first, she thought it was just her girl having a bad case of gas, but after a few hours of useless burping and rocking, she started to understand this was something else entirely. Joel came home that night from the stables to find her sitting on the floor of the nursery, tears in her eyes and Libby still screaming in her arms. She wasn’t sure what was worse in that moment, the sound of her girl’s continuous cries, or the look of sheer terror on Joel’s face as he knelt down next to her. He had run across town right then and there to get Suze, who could only advise them to keep their girl comfortable and fed with the reassurance that this sort of thing typically only lasts a month or two. 

It’s been the longest month of her life. Libby is nothing if not consistent, quiet and sweet as a lamb in the mornings, but around one o’clock every day, the crying starts, and it doesn’t stop until late into the night. Ellie has been a saint, and Maria too. Staying with her in the afternoons, keeping her sane as she tries to calm Libby down. Joel, however, is a different story. Since all this started, he’s become silent, unreadable. Much like how he was when they first met.

He takes Libby at night, giving her something of a break when he wordlessly takes her off her hands. She finds him most mornings asleep on the floor of the nursery, pressed right up against the crib, one of his arms usually hung between the wooden slats, keeping contact with their girl who always manages to wear herself off into sleep. It’s the only indication she gets from him of just how much he cares because otherwise, he’s become completely shut off, and it’s starting to freak her out more than Libby’s incessant crying.

They don’t talk anymore. He leaves early for shifts, and when he comes home, usually after dusk, he takes Libby and holes away in the nursery. She had tried to join him a number of times, but the steely look he always gave her kept her hovering at a distance, usually dozing in and out of sleep sitting in the hallway right outside the room. She can hear him in the night, the low thrum of his singing just barely detectable below Libby’s cries, and it breaks her heart that he won’t let anyone else see that part of him, especially not her. She’s grateful for how he takes over with Libby, but it feels like it’s no longer them, no longer a team. She’s surrounded by people who care, but it seems like the one person who matters most is slipping away, and she’s never felt more lonely in her life.

“I’m uh, picking up patrol today with Tommy. Might not be home till later.” Her hands still where she had been scrubbing one of Libby’s bottles in the sink. It’s the most he’s said to her in weeks. She turns around to look at him, his gaze wandering anywhere but to hers.

“I thought you weren’t doing patrol shifts anymore.” 

“They’re down a man today. Just a one time thing.” There’s a lot more she’d like to say, but she can’t get any of it out, not when it feels like she’s talking to a complete stranger. So instead, she just nods, turning back to the sink before the tightness in her throat can spill over into tears. She hears him let out a long sigh behind her.

“I’ll um, see you tonight then.” She sniffs, only answering him with a jerky nod. The sound of his boots thudding away, the open and close of the front door, is a relief that she feels guilty for.

…

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stick around? It’s no sweat, really. Dina will understand.” She offers Ellie what she can of a smile, easier said than done with her other girl screeching directly in her ear as she rocks her back and forth.

“That’s alright, Ellie bean. You’ve been a huge help already this afternoon, but Joel should be back soon. You should go, have fun.” By the furrowed look on her face, Ellie doesn’t seem to buy that, but she nods.

“Um, ok. Well, you know where to find me– i-if you need me or anything.” She nods and Ellie turns to leave, but seems to think twice of it before turning back to her.

“Are you guys– are you guys ok? You and Joel?” Her heart drops at the question, but luckily Libby chooses that exact moment to raise her screaming to a new decibel, effectively distracting the both of them enough for Ellie to offer her one more anxious smile before heading out. 

She sighs with the close of the front door, continuing to try to soothe Libby as she walks upstairs to the nursery. 

“I know, Libs. Tell me about it, huh?” She sits down in the rocking chair, shifting her squirming girl to cradle her in her lap. When she glances at the clock, she realizes it’s at least an hour past when Joel should have been home. She feels terrible that she doesn’t feel much at the realization, too sleep deprived, too frustrated, too utterly hopeless to muster up much more than faint concern as Libby continues to wail. 

She sits like that for a few hours, through Libby’s ceaseless cries, the relentless noise lulling her into a sort of daze. And then, a miracle. For the first time in a month and a half, Libby stops crying before midnight. Her girl lets out a few sleepy coos before dozing off in her arms, and she has to stop herself from laughing in pure relief as she lays her down in her crib. Stepping out into the hall, she slumps back against the wall, but her peace is short-lived when she realizes that Joel still isn’t home and it’s now much later. 

It’s the final straw that finally sends her reeling as she crumples over, her hands on her thighs as she starts to heave in a silent sob. It feels like she can’t get any air in, taking quick gasping breaths that she tries to stifle, not wanting to make any sound and wake her girl up. Her mind is blaring a shrill alarm of two words, over and over again. He’s gone. Under any other circumstances, she might be able to rationalize, to not jump to the worst conclusion. But she’s running on fumes, and her mind can’t shake the thought that she may have lost him tonight. And then she starts to think about that morning, how she hadn’t even said goodbye, and it sends her down to her knees, collapsing over herself in a silent wail. 

She’s completely caught off guard when a warm palm comes to her back, jerking away from the touch and pressing back against the wall.

“Hey, hey. It’s me– it’s just me.” He kneels down in front of her, palms cupping her cheeks as he tries to coax her to look at him, but she’s still inconsolable, a sobbing mess. His face falls when she won’t calm down.

“What’s wrong? Is it– please don’t tell me it’s Libby.” The frantic edge to his voice cuts through the fog enough for her to shake her head.

“No– she– she’s fine– she’s sleeping. I thought– I thought you were gone– I thought I lost y-y-you.” She’s a shuddering mess of words, breaking down in another silent sob before she can say anymore. Joel’s hands slide down to squeeze hers, dipping his head down to catch her watery gaze.

“I’m not gone– we just had some trouble with one of the horses, alright? Just got back a little late. I’m right here.” She’s with it enough to let out a bitter laugh at his choice of words, her sobs finally dying down into breathy shudders.

“No you’re not.” His face crumples in confusion as he sits back on his haunches.

“What?” She sighs, scrubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand.

“You might be here physically. But I have no fucking clue where you’ve been in your head ever since– ever since Libby got sick.” As she says it, she finally starts to connect the dots. Joel has been acting the same way he acted when she told him she was pregnant, when he tried to get Tommy to take Ellie to Salt Lake City, when she got shot back in Boston. Joel’s been acting the way he acts when he’s scared.

Part of her wants to comfort him, to tell him that she knows, that she gets it. But the other part of her is too far gone in the flood of frustration for that, and instead she lets that righteous anger wash over her.

“I told you that I couldn’t do this without you, that we would do this together. We’re not in this together anymore, Joel. You don’t talk to me anymore, and lord knows you haven’t touched me in at least a month. Am I that repulsive to you? The fucking mother of your child?” His eyes are wide, jaw slack at her words.

“That ain’t what this is about.” She scoffs.

“No, I know what this is about. But, jesus christ, Joel, you aren’t the only one who’s scared right now. We’re supposed to be there for each other, that’s what partners do. They do it scared, together. But you won’t let me in, and you clearly want nothing to do with me.” 

“That’s not– I don’t– it’s–” He stops his own stumbling, letting out a ragged sigh. She just shakes her head.

Before either of them can say anything else, a cry resounds from the nursery. But it’s not like the shrieks they’ve grown accustomed to. This cry is quieter, more needy than distressed. She gets up with a sigh, not looking at Joel as she walks back toward the nursery. Joel is right on her heels.

“Let me, I’ve got her.” She whips around on her heel at his words, holding her palm up between them as she tries to steel her expression.

“Don’t.”

He doesn’t.

…

She wakes up the next morning in a crunched tangle on the twin bed in Libby’s room, her girl still sleeping like an angel in her crib. After a diaper change last night, Libby had again stopped crying, another hopeful sign that the colic is finally lifting.  She doesn’t have much room to celebrate it with the way the fight she and Joel had last night is occupying her mind. Though she supposes it wasn’t really a fight, more just her falling apart on him. A cool guilt creeps up her spine. She shouldn’t have lashed out at him like that, but she knows she couldn’t hold it in any longer either.

Libby still asleep, she slips into their bedroom, an awful relief that Joel is nowhere to be seen. She’s not ready to face him yet. 

She gets cleaned up, just barely dressed when she starts hearing fussy coos coming from across the hall. Morning light slides syrupy and gold across the nursery floor as she picks Libby up from her crib. This happens like clockwork, and it’s her favorite part of every morning, sitting down in the rocking chair, Libby’s tiny palm pressing against her sternum as she latches on for her breakfast. Even right now, with her mind swirling in worry, watching the contented flutter of her girl’s eyes as she suckles is enough to soothe her.

He clears his throat, and she glances up just briefly to see him standing in the doorway. 

“I think we might finally be done with the colic.” As she speaks, she keeps her eyes focused on Libby, her ears pricking to the shuffle of his bare feet as he comes closer into the room. He stays silent, but she can feel his eyes watching her as Libby turns her head away. She gets up with a sigh, still not looking at him as she bounces lightly side to side, rubbing her girl’s back after readjusting her shirt. 

“I can burp her if you want. Save you a shirt.” She finally looks at him as he speaks, worry clear in the crease between his brows. Part of her wants to be petty, to tell him that she’s got it and shut him out. But she also knows that this is him trying, so she gives him a small nod, gently passing Libby off to him. He’s been good with her from the start, and now is no different as he holds her to his chest, shushing her fussy whimpers as he lightly pats her back. She can’t help but smile at the sight, leaning up against the crib as she finally holds his gaze.

“Made coffee, if you want some. Pot’s probably still warm.” That’s a peace offering if she ever heard one. She hums, nodding noncommittally in response. It’s clear that Joel has something else to say.

“Could we– could we talk?” He sounds so unsure of the question, his brow all twisted up. She’s already thawing, offering him a smile and a nod.

“That one will conk right out when you’re done burping her. Let’s talk after you get her down, alright?” He sets his mouth in a thin line, his eyes still soft as he nods. She passes by him with a sigh, her palm resting for a moment on his bicep as she presses a kiss to Libby’s crown before slipping out of the room. She really needs that cup of coffee.

Spring is finally thawing out the winter freeze, and it’s just sunny enough to sit on the back porch with a warm mug and a sweater. It isn’t long before he joins her. She notes the way he keeps a sizable distance between them on the bench seat.

“Sarah was colicky too, y’know.” She hadn’t been expecting that, turning to look at him. He’s leaning forward, his elbows resting on his thighs as he cranes his neck back to meet her gaze.

“Was she?” He nods, letting out a breathy laugh.

“Scared the living shit out of me. Her mom– well, she wasn’t much help. Pfft, pretty sure I cussed out the doctor when he told me I just had to wait for it to pass– wait for Sarah to get better.” He studies his hands, fingers flexing as he continues.

“She cried and cried– just like Libby. I stayed up with her every night and just about lost my mind. Knowing she– my baby, my girl– was in so much pain and there was nothing I could do. It was torture.” She brings a tentative palm to his shoulder, feeling him slacken under her touch as he finally looks at her again.

“I’m sorry, darlin. I got stuck in the past and left you here to deal with the present.” She sets her mug down before scooting closer to him to sling her arm over his shoulders, feeling relief when he lets her tangle her other hand with his.

“I accept your apology. I just wish you would’ve talked to me. I know you don’t think I can understand– and I probably can’t, at least not entirely. But I can’t even try to if you don’t let me in.” She rests her chin on his shoulder, feeling the rise and fall of his sigh.

“I know you’re right– I do. It’s just so fucking hard. I just– I’ve gotten real good at running away from it– just shutting it down. Talking like this feels damn near impossible.” She leans back, coaxing him to look at her.

“We knew this wasn’t gonna be easy. And we said we’d get through this together. Joel, you can’t shut down like that– you just can’t. I– we need you too much.” He swallows hard, nodding at her words, and she can’t help but brush his wavy hair out of his face, resting her palm on his cheek afterward.

“You talk to me, huh? And I’m gonna try so hard to understand. I promise.” She stamps her words with a kiss, pressing her forehead against his as they both let out a sigh. 

“Gonna do better by you, darlin. Not gonna disappear on you again.” 

…

“It’s magic, right? It’s gotta be magic.” Joel quietly laughs at her whispers, both of them looking down at their girl who is fast asleep in the settling night time by some sort of miracle. Libby had done so much better the rest of the day. No more relentless shrieking or fussy squirming. It was like a switch had been flipped, and she and Joel are just hoping it stays that way. 

He places his palm between her shoulder blades, head tilting toward the doorway. She gets the hint, both of them quietly padding out of the nursery and across the hall to their own bedroom.

“Are we actually gonna get to sleep in our own bed tonight?” He smiles at that, lifting his hand to brush his fingers along her cheek. He’s being careful, she can tell. All day he’s been quiet, but close, taking the day off of shifts to stick by her side. She knows that this is his way of apologizing, his way of trying, and she’s grateful for it.

Whether or not they’re showering together has become a sort of litmus test to determine how their relationship is doing. They haven’t done this in a month, and she only realizes how much she missed it, missed him, when she finally gets her hands on him again, running her soaped-up palms along the broad expanse of his back as he faces away from her under the warm stream of water. She smiles at the groan he lets out when she presses her fingers into that spot between his shoulder blades that’s always knotted up, working the kink out before slipping her palms further down. A breathy chuckle thrums in his chest when she slides her palms down the strong curve of his ass, stepping in closer to wrap her arms around him and trail her hands up the soft muscle of his stomach.

“What’re you doing back there, mama?” She can hear the smile in his voice, and revels in the shudder that runs through him when she presses a kiss to the nape of his neck.

“Taking care of you. You gonna let me?” She feels the huff he lets out in the rise and fall of his shoulders, quick to turn in her hold and steal one, two, three kisses before she can press on his chest to get him to let up. His hands fall to her waist, squeezing at the swell and pulling her into him, chest to chest. His cock rests hot and solid against her thigh.

“We take care of each other, huh?” His words bloom warm in her chest and the smile she offers him is the biggest relief. He reaches behind her to grab the bar of soap, lathering up his hands. It’s a strange contrast, the roughness of his palms and the tenderness of the press of his skin against hers as he trails over every inch of her body he can reach. She gets both, and she knows it’s a gift.

His touch begins to linger and stutter, squeezes left to his favorite parts of her, his grin growing smugger with each shudder he coaxes out of her. 

“We’re wasting water. Maria’s gonna kill us.” He groans low at that, laying a harsh squeeze to her ass that she yelps at.

“That is the last thing I wanna think about right now.” She breathes out a laugh as he corners her against the tiled wall. She barely manages to flip off the water as he presses against her, licking hotly into her mouth. With a light tug to his damp waves, he pulls away, both of them panting in the humid bathroom air.

“Can we at least get dried off? The last thing I want is one of us slipping and cracking our skull open.” Joel grumbles at that, shaking his head as he steps in closer. However, with the step he takes, his back heel slips out causing him to stumble into her as they both struggle to stay upright. They’re a tangle of limbs as they find their footing, her arms wrapped over his shoulders and his around her waist. Looking at each other, all they can do is laugh.

“Would it kill you to tell me I’m right every now and again?” She teases him, a crooked grin as she stays wrapped up in his arms.

“You’re right– you’re right– you’re right. There, will that do, darlin?” He punctuates each repetition with a chaste kiss to her lips, leaving her laughing as he jostles her in his hold. She hums lightly.

“Hmm, I suppose. For now.” He huffs at that, retaliating with a hard smack to the curve of her ass that has her jolting in his grip, causing them both to stumble about in the shower again. They’re fools for each other, only for each other.

Drying off is made all but impossible by the way they stay glued to each other, and their skin is still damp when they finally make it to their bed, toppling into the sheets still tangled up in kisses and sighs and wandering hands. Joel coaxes her onto her back, settling between her legs as he trails a hand down to her cunt, dragging a brazen swipe through her heat that has her arching up into her touch.

“Joel, please– no teasing tonight. I just– I need you, baby.” He shushes her with a kiss, fingers languidly circling her clit.

“You’ve got me, darlin– not going anywhere, huh? Gonna give you what you need.” She has to bite back a whine at the loss of his touch, but it’s only a fleeting desperation as he presses the throbbing tip of his cock up against her entrance. Though it’s been a while, they move well together like they always do, bodies in complete communion as she draws her leg up along his waist, opening up to him as he presses his hips forward. He stills with his hips hilted into hers, his forehead pressing into her sternum with a ragged sigh. 

“Fucking hell– missed you so bad, mama– s’not fair how good you feel– not gonna last like this–” His voice is hoarse, broken by sweet agony, and she tries to soothe him with a smattering of kisses to his hairline, drawing him to look up at her.

“It’s ok, baby. Just wanna feel you– feel so perfect, Joel. Can you move for me?” She presses a kiss to the crease between his brows and he chases after her lips, groaning into a deep kiss as he rolls his hips back only to snap them forward again. He swallows the gasp she lets out at the deep grind of him, her nails digging into his shoulders as he guides them into that familiar push and pull. 

In just the few months of having their girl, they’ve learned how to keep quiet, all breathy sighs and muffled kisses, but she’s having a hard time holding back her high-pitched whimpers at the way he’s thrusting into her, punctuating each snap of his hips with a hard grind that strokes a spot inside her that’s already tilting her over the edge of pleasure. But it starts to become too much when Joel brings his fingers back to her clit, drawing stuttering swipes that have her spasming around him.

“C’mon, mama– let go for me– want it so bad– that’s it, darlin–” his praises become muffled noise as she comes, her heels now digging into his ass where her legs are wrapped around him, clutching him as he fucks her through the rolling high. Joel is quick to follow, pulling out of her with a harsh groan and sloppily stroking himself a few times before his warmth is smearing across the plush of her thigh. It's a far cry from the heated trysts they used to engage in, hours on end of tangled passion long traded in for these little bursts of love that she cherishes just as much, if not more.

He collapses next to her, slumping on his back, his arm crossed over himself to keep his palm splayed over her stomach. She rests her hand on top of his, tangling their fingers together as they both catch their breath. But, there isn’t much time to revel in the moment when soft cries start to carry from across the hall. She can’t help but smile as she looks at him, and he lets out a sigh.

“Go get cleaned up, mama. I’ve got her.” He punctuates his words with a kiss, leaning over and brushing his fingers along her cheek. They share a quietly murmured “love you,” and she idly watches him get up, the soft pull of his muscles as he slips on a t-shirt and a pair of boxers before padding across the hall to Libby’s room.

They don’t get to sleep in their own bed that night. After getting cleaned up, she trails into the nursery, finding Joel quietly singing to their girl in the rocking chair. He glances up at her, but keeps singing, his voice low and sweet, lulling Libby back to sleep in his arms. With their girl tucked back in her crib, they wind up in a close tangle on the twin bed.

It's the best sleep they've gotten in a month.

[agi-ppangx]

stranger (hwang hyunjin x gn!reader)

angst, hurt without comfort, break up, reader is in shambles

an: that's definitely not my best work so im really sorry for any mistakes >< nonetheless i hope you'll enjoy it, bc in my head the idea was pretty cool :3 also, the paragraphs written in italic are the memories, i dont know if i made it clear enough😭

“yn, don’t make it even harder,” hyunjin whispered as he glanced at your face. you must’ve looked truly pathetic - the tears were making their way down your red, puffy face and you were sobbing loudly. you couldn’t believe what had just happened - did he really break up with you or was it just a bad dream?

“hyune- baby, please, i-” you stuttered, gasping for air in between sobs.

“i’ve made my decision. goodbye, yn.” with that he closed the door, leaving you on the floor of your apartment. your vision was blurry and you were too weak to even get up. that day you fell asleep on the floor by the entrance, foolishly hoping that hyunjin would come back to you.

you recalled the memory, stepping out of the shower. it was the first time in a week when you decided to take care of yourself after hyunjin broke up with you. it’d been a hard week, but you couldn’t remember much anyway. the only thing you knew was the pain in your chest as if your heart was ripped from your body.

you didn’t bother to put on any clothes or to brush your damp hair since you headed straight to bed. you dropped your tired, achy body on the messy beddings and you shivered. it’d been raining for the past few days and you wondered if the sun had peeked into your bedroom through the curtains and told the clouds to match your mood so you wouldn’t feel lonely. you curled yourself into a ball, placing your hands on your shoulders as the raindrops pattered softly on your window. tap, tap, tap, the rhythm of the rain made your finger move faintly against your shoulder and suddenly the memories flooded your brain.

you felt someone tapping your shoulder and you yelped, blushing instantly as you realised you made too much noise in the library.

“sorry! sorry, i just-” the boy started hesitantly, whisper-yelling the apology. “are going to use that book?” he pointed to the textbook you were holding firmly in your hands. you nodded.

“oh, okay, sorry for bothering you!” he said with a frown and started walking away.

“wait! you can join me if also need it,” you suggested with a shy smile and he stopped in his tracks, turning around to you with a grin.

your hand wandered down your body, stopping at the waist. you squeezed it once, just like hyunjin used to do. a few tears made their way down your face.

“we passed!” hyunjin exclaimed as he ran to you with a piece of paper in his hand. you grinned at him as he stopped right in front of you, proudly showing you his score.

“congrats, hyune! are you going to-” you started but never finished as he suddenly grabbed your waist and picked you up, spinning you around, and you giggled. when he put you down he still firmly held your waist with one hand, squeezing it.

“let’s go and eat something, hm? my treat,” he said and you just smiled, letting him lead the way.

you squeezed your eyes, loud sobs now leaving your body as you remembered how happy you two used to be together. the rain outside intensified, turning into a downpour, and it made you feel even worse. “stop crying” you thought. “show the sun you’re okay so the clouds won’t have to suffer anymore.”

you moved your hand to wipe your wet cheek, but you just rested it there, suddenly remembering how hyunjin used to cradle your face.

“look, i can hold the whole world in my hands,” he whispered, looking you deeply in the eyes as his hands held your cheeks. you blushed and playfully hit him in the arm.

“stop being cheesy,” you whined, dropping your eyes because hyunjin’s gaze was too piercing for you. he giggled at your words and kissed your forehead.

“i just really love you, you know?” he then said and you hid your red face in the crook of his neck, breathing his cologne and relaxing completely as his arms protected you from the outside world. in that moment you felt complete.

a long wail left your body. it hurt, it hurt so much you thought you weren’t going to make it. what was left for you anyway? there was no one who could hug you after a long day, no one who could wait for you with warm dinner, no one who loved you.

you brought your hand to your hair, desperately trying to comb through them as hyunjin used to whenever you felt too overwhelmed. you grazed your nails on your scalp, imitating his movements, but it only increased the pain. you didn’t know how to treat yourself anymore - you gave all of you to hyunjin and as he left he took your heart with him, leaving you with the void that nothing and no one could ever fill again.

you wrapped your arms around your body again, squeezing yourself as hard as you could, but you soon realised only hyunjin could embrace you tightly enough for all the broken parts of you to fall back into place. with the day he left you you became a stranger to yourself.

taglist !

@lynlyndoll @iyenbread @flooo71 @skz-streamer @inniescandy-01 @hannahhbahng @prettymiye0n @ggsez31 @laylasbunbunny @like-a-diamondinthesky @axel-skz @kittymaryam-thebrowniefairy @l3visbby @skzhoes

[cha-melodius]

Fic Fest!!

You know it’s gonna be FirstPrince … and I need that Kennedy Garden AU!

Congrats on your 100th work!! You’re an incredible writer and person and I feel quite fortunate to know you.

(Thank you for this lovely prompt Sam!! I'm sorry this took forever, but I hope you enjoy this AU!)

Flowers Only Grow Where There Are Seeds

(T, 4k, read it below or on AO3)

“Are you watching that guy like a weirdo creep again?” June asks, too close to his ear, and Alex jumps a fucking mile.

“I’m not being a weirdo creep,” he huffs, folding his arms over his chest as he steps away from the window overlooking the Kennedy Gardens.

June gives him a look. “But you are watching him.”

“I was just— I was walking by and I happened to notice him, and—”

“You should go talk to him,” June interrupts blithely, already sauntering away.

“What? No,” Alex scoffs.

“Why not? He’d probably be flattered he caught the attention of the First Son.”

“He’s working, June,” Alex says. “He doesn’t want to be bothered.”

June shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

~~~~~

Alex doesn’t know exactly what about the gardener first caught his attention. Maybe it was the fact that he was younger than a lot of the other people who were employed to work on the landscaping at the White House—Alex’s age, or thereabouts. Maybe it was the way he was always still somehow so pale after working in the sun all day. Maybe it was the fact that he could have been a model, with his long legs and swooping cheekbones and full lips, and yet he was spending his days clipping bushes and digging up bulbs.

Actually, all of that’s a lie: Alex knows exactly when the gardener caught his attention.

It had been an abnormally warm early spring day, and he’d been pacing in front of a bank of windows as he tried to wrestle his ideas into something that might resemble a coherent essay for one of his classes. He wasn’t even looking out at the gardens, not really, but a flash of movement caught his eye and drew him over to the glass. A hose had failed somehow, leaving the man who’d been working with it looking like he was re-enacting Mr. Darcy emerging from the lake (what? June has those movies on all the time, it’s not like it’s his fault if he gets caught up in them sometimes). The gardener had plucked at his thin white shirt as it clung to his torso, revealing a truly breathtaking collection of muscles sculpted by regular manual labor, before he’d finally peeled the whole thing off, taking his dingy ball cap with it.

That was when Alex discovered that they were currently employing what might very well be the most gorgeous man on the planet.

That was also when Alex realized he might be something less than 100% straight. Ok, it had taken some more time after that, and more than a few instances of catching sight of the beautiful gardener again, before he started to understand what he was feeling. He still isn’t really sure if he’s actually bi or just lonely and horny, but that was definitely the start.

He’s well aware of how weird it would be to go hit on the man, for many, many reasons, so he just… appreciates from a distance. It’s fine. In a few months it will be winter again, and Alex probably won’t see him around anymore. He’ll get over his stupid little infatuation on someone he’s never even spoken to, and that will be that.

~~~~~

It’s one of those days, when there’s too much going on and he can’t get Cash to go with him on a run outside of the White House grounds, so Alex just ends up looping endlessly around in little circles on the path around the South Lawn, trying to get out some of the excess energy that’s thrumming in his veins. Eventually, he manages to tire himself out enough and ends up sprawled out on his back behind some bushes in the Children’s Garden, staring up as the clouds drift past. He doesn’t know how long he lies there, only that he still hasn’t quite come back to earth when he hears the sound of footsteps on the nearby path. Probably he should get up, but he can’t really bring himself to care who sees him like this.

That’s before the hot gardener comes around the corner. His light blue button-down shirt is hanging open, thrown loosely over a white tank top that’s smudged with dirt and sweat-darkened at the neckline, and Alex might have fallen over if he wasn’t already on the ground.

“Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was out here,” the gardener says. The accent is a surprise. An extremely sexy surprise. Fuck. “Do you need a hand?”

Alex could use a hand with something, all right. In his own tank top and the running shorts that June says are an inch away from a misdemeanor, he’s really not wearing enough clothing for this. Or maybe he’s wearing too much. Closing his eyes, he forces himself to get a fucking grip before he starts to push up off the ground. The gardener’s proffered hand appears in his line of vision, so he takes it because it would be more awkward not to. It’s warm and dry and rough with callouses that Alex feels no particular way about, and he lets the gardener’s strong grip tug him upward, until he gets his feet under him again.

It’s only then that the gardener seems to clock him. His eyes go wide as they track over Alex’s body and linger on his face. “Oh. You’re…”

Their hands are still clasped together, and Alex tightens his hold around Henry’s. “Alex.”

“Henry,” the gardener says in return as his lips part in a smile, which is devastating, actually.

“Nice to meet you, Henry,” Alex says. He might let a little of the southern drawl slip out, honey smooth. Sue him.

“The pleasure’s all mine,” Henry replies, his rounded vowels dipping low, and ok, he’s a smooth motherfucker too. Alex is officially fucked.

“You’re British.”

Henry laughs, cocking an eyebrow at him. “An astute observation.”

“No I just mean—” Alex cuts himself off and shakes his head. “I didn’t expect it, but I guess it fits.”

“Why?” Henry asks, tipping his head as a little furrow appears between his brows.

Alex bites his lip. “Because everything about you is unexpected, Henry.”

~~~~~

Alex should leave him alone. He should listen to what he told June and not bother a White House employee when he’s working.

The thing about Henry, though, is that he’s ridiculously easy to talk to, and he always seems so pleased to see Alex. It’s impossible to stay away whenever Alex spots him working in the gardens, which is frequently these days. It’s the middle of summer, which means Henry is mostly working in the mornings and evenings when the heat isn’t quite so bad, but occasionally Alex finds him doing something ridiculous like digging a hole to plant a bush in the middle of the day.

As he’s now wont to do, Alex makes his way out to the gardens with a large glass of lemonade. Henry’s entire face lights up when he sees Alex coming, which Alex is sure is less because of him and more the promise of ice cold refreshment. The poor guy is absolutely drenched in sweat, which Alex absolutely is not thinking about licking off his collarbones. As Alex walks up to him, Henry sinks the shovel into the loose dirt and pulls his ball cap off, the muscles of his arms rippling when he pushes a hand through blond hair darkened with sweat. Alex narrowly avoids swallowing his tongue as he hands the glass off, and when their fingers brush, Alex feels the contact tingling in his fingertips long after Henry’s pulled away.

And that’s before Henry tips his head back and takes a long drink of the lemonade, the muscles of his throat working as he swallows. Thank fuck it’s hot outside, because Alex is sweating like he’s the one who’s been working in the sun for hours.

Somehow, he manages to regain his faculties for conversation by the time Henry’s finished the lemonade, and they fall into their usual easy banter as Henry works. (Alex once offered to help out, feeling bad for standing around while Henry was sweating his ass off, and Henry had laughed and laughed and told him that he’d be fired if he let the First Son do his job for him.) They talk about everything and nothing—about movies and music, about the best food trucks that frequent the area around the mall, about what Alex has been up to during the summer, about the many projects always going on in the gardens.

“How’d you end up working here, anyway?” Alex asks from where he’s reclining in the shade, plucking bits of grass out of the lawn and tearing them apart.

“It’s a long story,” Henry grunts as he shovels. “I moved to the US for a fresh start. The gardening, I sort of fell into. I needed a job, and I always liked working with my hands. I’m certain that my friend sent me this listing as a joke because I—” His voice fails as his eyes cut over to Alex, then drop quickly to the ground again. He clears his throat. “Well. It’s not important. But I decided to apply anyway. I think Rodolfo thought I was having him on when I showed up at the interview, but he must have seen something in me.” Henry huffs a laugh. “Or maybe I was the only one who passed all the frankly mental background checks that were required to work at the White House. And now, here I am.”

“You’re my age,” Alex says, squinting at him. “You didn’t go to college?”

“I dropped out of Oxford,” Henry replies simply.

Alex can’t help it; his jaw drops open. “You dropped out of Oxford? What happened? Did you not like it?”

He knows he shouldn’t pry, but he can’t help it. He wants to know everything about Henry.

“I loved it,” Henry says, and there’s a smile on his face but an unmistakably melancholic note in his voice. “I wanted to be a writer. But I couldn’t stay. Not with the pressure from my grandmother and the way she was insistent on ruling my life.” He stops speaking for a long moment, but never pauses in his digging. “Sometimes I think about going back to school eventually. For now, I’m happy with this. I like it. There’s a beautiful simplicity to my life.”

“Wow,” Alex breathes. For once, he doesn’t really know what to say. “I’m sorry that happened to you, Henry. But for what it’s worth… I’m glad you ended up here.”

Henry leans on the shovel, smiling at him. “Me, too.”

~~~~~

Alex is trying to make any kind of sense of a bill that the Republicans are going to try to push through the Senate—don’t ask how he got the draft—when Nora lets herself into his room without so much as a knock.

“Wow, entitled much,” Alex huffs, barely glancing up from his work. At least she brought burritos.

“You invited me here, dumbass,” Nora retorts as she flings herself onto his couch. “Remember? Bisexual awakening movie night? Don’t tell me you forgot about Rick and Evie.”

Alex groans, wiping a hand over his face. “No way it’s fucking Sunday.”

“You’re not serious.”

“I might be.”

“All the more reason you need a break,” Nora tells him firmly. “Your classes don’t start for another week. Why are you working?”

“Because I’m gonna be a senior next year and I have to have something lined up for afterward,” he grumbles.

“I’m sure your mom will give you a job on the campaign,” she says as she finds the remote to his TV and starts navigating through streaming services.

“Maybe I want options. Don’t want everyone to think I’m just a useless nepo baby.”

Nora snorts. “Because I’m sure no one will think your connections got you a job in Rafael Luna’s office.”

“Fuck off,” he groans, turning away from her again. “We’re not talking about this.”

“Ok,” she agrees, too easily. “You got a secret admirer or something? Who sent you those?”

“What?”

“Those,” Nora repeats, gesturing to the small vase full of multicolored roses that’s sitting in front of her on his coffee table. Red, lavender, orange, blue, and even these neat yellow ones tipped with red around the edge of the petals.

“Oh,” Alex says dismissively. “No one sent them. Henry brought them by.”

“Who the fuck is Henry?”

“He’s a gardener who works here.”

“Hold on, the gardener? Your gardener?” she says, sounding too delighted by half. Alex may have talked about him before, once or twice.

Alex huffs and sets his pencil down, turning back to glare at her. “He’s not my gardener. He’s an employee of the White House.”

Nora grins smugly. “He’s the one you’ve got a crush on, though.”

“I don’t—” He breaks off with a frustrated grunt. “We’re not having this conversation, either.”

“And he brought you flowers,” she continues, ignoring him.

“It doesn’t mean anything. He has to prune the roses so that they keep producing more blooms, and he brought me some extras because I said I liked them one day while I was out in the garden. That’s all.”

That’s what Henry told him when he showed up with the first ones, his face flushed red from being out in the sun. Alex’s heart had done something very fucking complicated in his chest, but he’d accepted them in the spirit with which they were given: as a friendly gesture, and nothing more. The haphazard arrangement is all Alex—Henry brings by a different color almost every day, and Alex adds them in the vase, which is getting rather full.

“That’s all,” Nora scoffs with obvious deep skepticism.

“What?”

“Alex, when a boy gives you roses, it always means something,” she says solemnly. “Did you look up the colors?”

“Huh?” he replies, becoming increasingly lost.

Nora shakes her head at him, like he’s the crazy one. “Different colored roses mean different things. Maybe he’s sending you secret messages.”

Alex snorts dismissively. “Pretty sure they’re just whatever’s blooming in the garden.”

“If you say so,” she says, sounding extremely unconvinced. “Can we watch the movie now?”

“Please.”

~~~~~

By the time November rolls around, the gardens are looking pretty dire. Alex never really took notice of what was going on before this year—the plants were just there, in the background, and sometimes it was more colorful than others. Now, though, he notices. Notices the autumn flowers as they come into bloom and die back, notices the trees dropping their leaves, notices the bushes getting thin and scraggly. Henry’s still been around, working in jackets and hoodies as the temperature dips, but between the lessened need for garden care and Alex’s punishing course load, they haven’t seen each other as much. Alex pretends like he doesn’t know that’s why he gets unaccountably grumpy sometimes.

Today he’s on a mission, though, and after confirming that Henry was on the work schedule, Alex scours the grounds until he finds Henry by the tennis court, trimming some bushes. There’s a biting chill in the air, and Henry is bundled up, his nose and cheeks red from the cold. He seems surprised but pleased to see Alex, and Alex bites down on a too-large grin as he holds out the envelope he’d brought with him.

“What’s this?” Henry asks, pulling off his work gloves before he takes it and carefully breaks the seal.

Alex shifts nervously and jams his hands in his pants pockets so he doesn’t fidget. “It’s an invitation. To our big New Year’s party? You’ve probably heard about it.”

“I’m familiar, yes,” Henry says dryly, smirking a little as he glances up from the embossed paper. “But I was under the impression seats were thousands of dollars and reserved for the who’s who of America’s hot young glitterati.”

“First off, you’re young and hot, and it doesn’t matter if you’re not rich,” Alex says, pretending that he didn’t just call Henry hot to his face. Whatever. It’s an objective truth. “We waive the seat cost when there’s someone we really want to come that can't afford it.”

“And you really want me to come,” Henry surmises, still looking vaguely amused by the situation.

Fuck it. “Yes,” Alex answers firmly.

Henry looks back down at the invitation, trailing a finger over the engraving. “I can afford it,” he mutters.

“What?”

“I said, I can afford it,” Henry repeats as he meets Alex’s eyes again. “I know I don’t look it most days, but I have a rather large inheritance that I’m delighted to spend on good causes.”

Alex blinks. He knew Henry’s family back in England was wealthy, but he kind of assumed that after Henry dropped out and moved across an ocean to work as a gardener, he wasn’t in the same boat. “Oh,” he breathes. “Well, you can certainly donate if you want.”

“I do,” Henry confirms. He taps on the invitation with a finger. “It says here I get a plus one.”

Alex’s heart plummets to somewhere near the Earth’s core. Of course Henry has someone. He’s young and hot and amazing, and it’s frankly ridiculous to think he wouldn’t already have a significant other. Or maybe there’s someone he wants to impress—an invite to the year’s biggest party would do wonders. Alex is just the guy that pesters him while he’s working. He never had a shot.

“Yeah,” he manages, cursing the way the word croaks out of his throat. “Of course. It’s, ah, standard, I guess, so if you want to bring someone…”

Henry just smiles at him. “Wonderful.”

~~~~~

Alex stares up at the stars, watching as the cloud of his breath briefly obscures them, making them twinkle before it dissipates. It’s freezing out here, especially after being in the heat generated by the crush of bodies at the party, but for once, Alex appreciates that. He takes another breath, letting the cold air flowing into his lungs numb the ache in his chest.

The crunch of footsteps on the frosted lawn draws his attention, and he looks over to see Henry hovering nearby, still nothing short of stunning in his clean black tux.

He’d arrived with an ostentatiously dressed man he introduced as his best mate Pez, which was a fucking trip because of course Alex had heard of Percy Okonjo. Pez was charming and handsome and immediately the life of the party, but Alex couldn’t tear his eyes away from Henry. Saying he cleaned up well would be a trite cliche, but fuck if it wasn’t true; he looked more like a prince or a movie star than the boy with dirt ground into the creases of his hands that Alex knows. Alex had been buoyed for a while by the fact that Henry had not brought a date with him, but as midnight crept closer, his spirits had started sinking again.

The Kennedy Gardens had seemed like a safe place to retreat. He should have known better. 

“I’m fairly certain the host isn’t supposed to hide from the party,” Henry teases gently, a tentative smile playing on his lips.

“I’m only one of three. June and Nora have it on lock,” Alex replies with a sigh. “Sorry for leaving you to the wolves though.”

“It’s fine,” Henry says, shaking his head as he walks a little closer. “Believe it or not, this isn’t my first time at this kind of soir��e.”

Alex snorts at that. “Oh, a soirée. Aren’t you fancy?”

“Says the man in a velvet tuxedo.”

“Touché,” Alex returns. His smile falters a little as he stares back up at the stars. “I needed a break. Don’t get me wrong, I usually fucking thrive at these things, but sometimes being ‘on’ all the time starts to wear on you, you know?”

“Why do you think I’m a gardener?” Henry says wryly.

“Fair enough,” Alex says with a puff of laughter. “I just… needed a moment to myself, I guess.”

“I shouldn’t intrude, then,” Henry replies softly, already stepping backwards.

“No,” Alex blurts, probably too desperately, but he couldn’t care less about that if it means Henry won’t leave. “I mean, you don’t have to go. I don’t mind the company. When it’s you.”

Henry halts in his tracks, his eyes going wide. “Oh.”

Thankfully, he stops trying to leave and instead comes closer, until he’s right next to Alex, a few bare, aching inches separating their shoulders. For a moment they both just stand there staring up at the sky, until the champagne soaking Alex’s brain gets the better of him.

“If I’m being honest, I wasn’t so excited to count down to the New Year.”

Henry shifts a little to face him more directly. “No?”

Alex shrugs. “The winter’s one thing when you’ve got the holidays to look forward to, but after tonight, it’s nothing but cold and gray. Everything’s dead and brown, and it’ll be months until things are growing again, and you won’t be around…”

He trails off slightly too late to save himself. Whatever. He’s allowed to say he’s going to miss seeing a friend. He stares fixedly up at the sky, resolutely refusing to look at whatever Henry’s face is doing, but then Henry moves to stand in front of him, and he has little choice but to meet those gorgeous blue eyes. They’re crinkled slightly in amusement, but not unkindly.

Fond, he thinks distantly. Henry looks fond.

“Let me make sure I have this right,” Henry says carefully. “You’re out here pouting tonight because you think this is the last time you’re going to see me until spring?”

Alex huffs out a laugh and looks down, feeling his face heat. “I mean, I don’t know if I’d put it that way.”

“You’re wrong about some things, love,” Henry replies, inching closer. Moving slowly, he reaches out to slide a hand onto Alex’s waist, the mere pressure of it lighting a fire under Alex’s skin even as Alex trembles involuntarily under his touch. Then he looks out at the gardens. “They’re not dead. A bit dormant, perhaps, but still in need of care. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re not?” Alex asks breathlessly.

Henry shakes his head. “There’s plenty to do over the winter. Planning, cleaning, prepping the beds… Rodolfo has plenty to keep us busy. I’ll admit, I was intending on taking some time off, but you certainly won’t get rid of me that easily.”

Alex feels like he’s fucking flying, or would be if Henry’s steady presence wasn’t tethering him to the ground. He’s shifted even closer now, nearly pressing Alex back against the tree, and Alex lifts his arms to loop loosely over Henry’s shoulders as he lets a pleased grin curl onto his lips. “There aren’t any roses, though.”

“I’ll buy you roses, you absolute menace,” Henry huffs, but he’s smiling too broadly to sell being put out about it.

“I have another confession,” Alex breathes into the rapidly vanishing space between their lips. “I also ran away because I wanted to kiss you at midnight, but I couldn’t.”

Henry pauses, pulling back a little, though he thankfully doesn’t let go. “Ah. I understand if you can’t afford the questions—”

“No, that’s not it. I don’t care who knows. I mean, I should probably make a plan for officially coming out, but that’s not why,” Alex jumps in before he can get anything else out, because it’s important that Henry knows.

Alex isn’t ashamed and he doesn’t want to hide but, like so many things in his life, it’s not that simple. He takes a deep breath, forcing his jumbled thoughts into something that makes sense, which is no mean feat when he’s tipsy and his arms are full of a very handsome gardener who he’d much rather be kissing.

“It’s a lot, being in the public eye the way I am, and I couldn’t ask that of you,” Alex says as he stares fixedly at Henry’s tie. It’s got little yellow roses on it, and he can’t resist dropping a hand down to run a finger down the silk. “You like your quiet life.”

“I like it,” Henry murmurs. He lifts a hand to Alex’s chin, his fingers icy cold on Alex’s overheated skin, and nudges Alex’s face up so that their eyes meet. “I like you more.”

“Oh,” Alex breathes.

“Now, about that New Year’s kiss…”

Henry is biting his lip, looking hopeful and coy all at once as he stares down at Alex through pale lashes, and Alex… can’t believe this is his life, actually. He’s going to enjoy it while it lasts, though—just them, in the garden that brought them together, and a kiss that holds as much endless potential as the plants around them. Not fragile but resilient, perennial, ready to grow and bloom into something truly incredible.