#armand's trauma hole

[monstersinthecosmos]

okay so i just finished IWTV....... oh my god!!! oh my god. it's embarrassing how insane this book made me. for the last 50 pages or so i was regularly taking breaks to run laps around my apartment like a lunatic because i physically could not handle all the pain and angst and despair coursing through my body LOL. i got so immersed in the story i forgot pretty much all of the background for armand you'd given me (and i can't remember most of it even now!!! my mind is in shambles) and still, very organically...... he became my favorite. even despite all of the. you know. and maybe even more so BECAUSE of it. i've just never witnessed an evil so heartbreaking!!!!!!!!!!? THE ABSOLUTE DEVOTION?????? DERANGED AND UGLY AND UTTERLY BEYOND REASON????!!!! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! i'm sorry for vomiting all over your inbox i genuinely cannot conjure up any resemblance of coherence atm!!! THANK YOU FOR POINTING ME TOWARDS SUCH LUXURIOUS PAIN i LOVE it i want MORE! <3 <3 <3

oh my god OH MY GOd ,... omg... 🥹🥹

WELCOME WELCOME YES THIS HOW I FEEL EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE I WISH I KNEW WHERE TO EVEN START 

(I really feel like just answering with this meme and not subjecting you to a wall of text but I'LL TRY !!!)

GOD LIKE WHAT THIS BOOK DOES SO SO WELL AS LIKE IMMEDIATELY GROUND FLOOR OF THE SERIES LETS US ALL KNOW THAT ALL CHARACTERS COMMIT EVILS AND ARE NOT GREAT PEOPLE BUT THEY ALL WANT TO BE LOVED AND ARE TRYING LOL. 

LIKE LOUIS MOVES FROM ABUSIVE PARTNER TO ABUSIVE PARTNER UNTIL HE’S FINALLY SO DEAD INSIDE THAT HE CAN BE BY HIMSELF AND WALK AWAY.

AND LIKE IT’S SO HARD BECAUSE YOU SEE HOW CLAUDIA FREED HIM FROM LESTAT, AND THEN ARMAND FREES HIM FROM CLAUDIA. AND SOMETHING THAT ALWAYS FUCKS ME UP SO BAD IS THAT ARMAND HAS SUCH A SKEWED MAP OF APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR BUT HE’S NOT EVIL. HE’S TRYING HIS BEST, IN THE BEST WAY HE KNOWS HOW.

Wait hang on I’ll take caps off I’m so sorry lmfao I’m just really worked up. 

I think there’s a sort of meme-ier version of this like Armand going “hi 🙂 I killed your daughter 🙂 you can kill all my friends if you want 🙂 I won’t stop you 🙂 do you like me? 🙂"

But it’s actually SO TRAGIC god. Like I read IWTV as a story about domestic abuse and the family cycle, personally, and I see Claudia as an Oedipal figure. Louis is unable to get away from Lestat until Claudia makes it happen, and Claudia winds up being so cold and cruel and he’s stuck with her until Armand frees him. And there’s a lot of conversation about like, Armand being manipulative or what he did to CREATE this, how did he push them both where he wanted them, etc, but the thing that gets me is that when Louis wants to break up, Armand lets him leave.

And like SKIP WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY IF YOU DONT WANT A SPOILER BUT LIKE I DID MENTION THIS IN MY OTHER POST  —— but if you read Lestat’s book and get the background on how he and Armand met, it’s sort of the opposite where Lestat destroys Armand’s coven and Armand is so devastated about it, vs 100 years later he ALLOWS Louis to destroy a coven. AND HE GETS THE GUY!!!! In TVL he like BEGS Lestat to be with him and Lestat isn’t interested lol but he gets to keep Louis this time.

IDK IDK IM JUST REAL EMOTIONAL. 

And like !!!!!!!! God idk. If you read more of the books you get so many indications about how people in Armand’s life don’t respect him, and a lot of times people write him off because he looks like a teenager. They don’t take the danger of him seriously, which makes him even more dangerous. But it’s so heartbreaking reading IWTV and seeing how Louis respects him so much, and sees him as wise and calm, and needs him! 

And like maybe Louis is uniquely qualified to not judge people for looking like children because he has spent the last 90 years with a vampire child and respects her as an adult, you know?

If you keep reading you’ll see how much Anne Rice like retcons or how much the continuity flops around so like EVERY book will have a Doylist vs Watsonian conversation like, she never comes out and says that Armand looks like he’s 17 in IWTV and in the later books it’s a huge point every time he’s on the page just HE’S SHORT HE’S 17 HE LOOKS LIKE A CHERUB etc and maybe that’s because she hadn’t decided that yet but also maybe Louis is the only person who fucking respects him. :) 

[intercruralwiththevampire]

oohhhh my god my brain is WHIRRING still thinkin about that tweet with ‘armand suggested something colourful!’ and louis wanting to live in his black grey mourning and armand rolling with it to be Careful with louis to Protect him to Oh sO cRuELly lock him in a pRiSoN oF eMpAtHy wow sOrRy for CaRiNg louis god!! (etc) and then how much that would SUCK for armand to get it thrown back at him as ‘You’re so boooring!!’ like.

arrow through the heart man. i was doing it for you! everything i ever do must be reactive depending on YOU… and your Moods™️ and your Whims lest i piss u off just the wrong way and u decide to UNforgive me and leave me forever and- that beige pillow is the padding i have felt the need to put around the walls of your room hullo!?

and then you finally start to choose colour again, you finally start to heal and i see the bright spark of that old louis.. passionate and alluring and everything i fell in love with….. and then? after 70 years of diligently trying to coddle and nurse you back to that louis? so i could finally be with that louis again, and for eternity?

the first thing you do is leave me for your ex.

armand you are.. you are Schrödinger. and louis is the cat. for as long as you are there to check; he may as well have eaten the poison.

[monstersinthecosmos]

no but we really don't credit him enough for being a real trouper; I think often about how he even tells us himself that it's rare for vampires to survive more than a century or two. It was a miracle for him to endure what he did in life, but that he's one of the special ones who can endure immortality is something that haunts me :(

we don’t give little Andrei enough credit for being the most bad ass mf to ever live. His father is actively beating him and verbally abusing him and this stone cold killer is unphased pulling out his crazy comebacks no hesitation

Seeing Andrei be a little asshole makes me sad weirdly enough. he was just such a character. not only was he an extremely skilled hunter and miracle working painter + child genius but he was witty and a bit of a big mouthed dick and strong willed and full of life. Like he could’ve been so much and any chance of a life was robbed from him from the start

[dispossesst]

On Armand being Muslim

In Islam there is belief of a supernatural and unseen world that is referred to as The Ghaib. I don’t think it’s beyond Armand to take time exploring about a place within the the Muslim world where he could exist as a supernatural being; especially if he was born into a Muslim family this is something he may have already known. If Jinns can be muslims and live for over 1000 years, then this can be a plausible and a resourceful reality for Armand.

In islam, there is a transference of our soul between each of the 6 realms. One of these occurs once a dead body is buried and the last person leaves his grave, the soul transfers into the Barzakh. According to this, Armand would still have a soul. His transference was to The Ghaib instead, maybe his soul is hidden there, which poses an interesting question about vampire lore wrt their souls.

Having said that, we also know Armand de nothing doesn’t know himself. He asks, ‘am i my history i have endured?’, it echoed in my chest when i heart it because there is a yearning to know himself beyond his trauma. So every so often he reinvents himself. He adopts the identities of the places he lives in. In Paris he has a parisian accent, in Dubai, Molloy thinks he is Native. It’s possible he adopted a Muslim identity after he was turned. I don’t think any of these identities are ‘fake’ per se. He is trying to fit the armand shaped hole in his life.

The core tenet of being Muslim is repentance, so I think the whole Muslim guilt thing is also complicated and fun to contemplate. I won’t write on it, as I’ve seen other people already share on that.

It might be more interesting for the show to explore in an implicit way? I’m also just finding out that in the books: 1) there is a Muslim vamp already, 2) Armand is riddled with Catholic guilt so maybe they will explore Muslim guilt.

[this-world-of-beautiful-monsters]

I think it took a while to really get through to me that book!Armand's amnesia only lasts for like. two years. afterwards, his primary problem lies in expressing those memories (and the trauma therein) or periods such as his time with the children of darkness when he unsuccessfully tries to smother them. show!Armand still remembering so little about his pre-Marius origins so many centuries on--not actually being sure what his original name is, having a shaky mental timeline of his original abduction (people have pointed out that he seems to recall being sold in 2x04 vs being chased down in 2x05), etc is very much an adaptational choice. there are all sorts of fucked-up potential reasons for why he never remembered in the show the way he did in the book; Marius theorizes in Blood & Gold that his having sex with Armand might have strengthened the amnesia, so maybe Marius letting others do the same made the problem worse? or maybe Armand being turned older didn't have the restorative effect on his amnesia that it seems to have had in the books.

it's just so fucked up how book!Armand's past, his memories of his culture and the way it contrasts so sharply with the new world he finds himself in, is such a significant part of his journey. his return home and his final goodbye to his parents is probably one of the most beautiful and devastating moments in the book, and it's something that show!Armand never experienced and never will. it's like the horror of having to confront the awful bleeding gap you left in the lives of the people you loved vs the horror of not knowing who those people were or even if they loved you at all. the horror of returning to your homeland when it's ravaged by invasion and grief and despair (just like you) vs the horror of having a colonial black hole where your past should be (and feeling like a bit of a black hole yourself).the differences there provide so much room to explore--is show!Armand ever going to have his own opportunity to go that a place he once called "home?" will he ever remember anything more? would it even change things at this point if he did? I don't know, but it messes me up a little, I think. fuck.

[danielmolloyshole]

@ahubofreadersandmagicians:

Why would Daniel hate Marius? He’s already read the “forced prostitution” and “Marius de Romanus” folders from the Talamasca’s Armand file, we’ve seen them. His only response was to shame Armand for talking abt the Arun/Amadeo days and imply he was lying. Even knowing Armand was telling the truth. Daniel’s bad w/abuse victims generally and hates Armand. Sadly, I think he’ll be ok with Marius.

This got stupid long and also needs to broken into parts to try to minimize how all over the place I am so let's gooo. Friendly disclaimer that this is my opinion but I am literally trained in media analysis like this so I promise I am coming from a place of knowledge. I'm gonna start with my interpretation of Daniel's character and go from there.

RE; Daniel is bad with abuse victims

I'm assuming you are saying this because of how Daniel talks to Luis about his abuse. The way Daniel approaches this topic is, frankly, awful. Daniel is not good at it. However, he is not supportive of it. He calls Lestat out on how badly he was treating Luis, the racial dynamic (again, said in a really bad way but later we do see Lestat minimizing Luis's feelings about how he is treated as a black man so he wasn't wrong). I also think about the rent boy line, which to me was more directed as a snide remark at Luis and his assumption of what their relationship is. Not saying it wasn't also supposed to be a jab at Fake Rashid (by this point he is suspicious and annoyed and staring all the time and in general does not know what to make of him, which Daniel doesn't like), but Daniel was in active conversation with Luis and not Fake Rashid. Daniel is mean, this is not in contention. He is not a good person. But he does not ignore or get down with abuse and instead calls it out into the room, both explicitly and implied.

RE; Daniel's Past & Hating Armand

Now, what informs the fact that Daniel is such a bitch, especially when he is chasing the high of bringing out the truth? Working under the assumption of my previous post, Devil's Minion has happened. The evidence of such is, in my opinion, scattered throughout both seasons and would be a whole other post to detail. This, in my opinion, is supported by comments made by the actors and show runners that imply they have purposefully planted seeds. All I have to work with in terms of analysis right now is the book and these seeds and my last post stated that we are treating the Devil's Minion chapter as canon up until Daniel's turning, at which point Armand would have erased his memories. This implies that from 1973 until 1985, the ages of 20 and 35, Daniel's memories are incomplete. Imagine your most developmental years as an adult are now so full of holes that you wrote a memoir about how inconsistent your memory is. Your first love, your first heartbreak, the first time you debased yourself for someone's love, the first time you really fucked up with someone, countless mistakes now altered. Any self-actualization that would have made Daniel a better person is now incomplete. This includes the memory of Daniel fucking a girl with a bag on her head. It is a shameful memory, that's why Armand brings it out, but as a twenty year-old shitty kid from Modesto, Daniel might not have fully conceptualized how ashamed he is of it until it is used as weapon against him. Assuming the memories begin to return next season, either in partial or in full, this would mean that Daniel would suddenly have a much fuller context of his trauma and why he does what he does. Eric Bogosian mentioned in an interview that both he and Daniel have forgotten trauma and I do not believe San Francisco is the end of that trauma. A relationship as volatile as Armand and Daniel's, influenced by drugs and blood and danger, would hold just as much trauma if not more than the six days spent in that apartment. Bogosian went on to say that those traumas influence how someone acts and interacts without even being aware of it. I believe a lot of the development we're gonna see in Daniel is him reconciling the mean, tear-it-all-down journalist with the man he was at the height of his affair with Armand. We've already seen heightened emotion from his Paris memory (another tangent but I do not believe Alice is Armand but rather that this specific memory was altered. Daniel cares a lot less about the memory of Alice telling him she's pregnant so the inconsistency is odd).  Daniel is going to need character development moving forward. Does this mean he's going to stop being an asshole? No. He's still an asshole. I just think he'll be a different kind of asshole.

RE; Daniel Shaming Armand

I don't interpret that Arun/Amadeo line as shaming him, exactly. Asking where the lies start, implying the Arun dynamic was something of a sham (master when it's hot and convenient, etc), yeah. He's in the throes of bringing down the castle of lies, he's gotten his hit, he's basically high on exposing the truth. To me, especially given how he looks at Armand while he's on the floor, I don't think Daniel hates Armand. In book canon, it's said that he could only feel ravening desire and it is my opinion that that remains true. Daniel was gloating until the high wore off and then he was at the very least incredibly shook and definitely not making a move to rub it in Armand's face that he won.

RE; Daniel hating Marius

The show has set Marius up to be a pedophilic groomer. I don't even know if grooming was a widely-used term in the seventies but they dropped it in there and modern sensibilities make that very purposeful writing. Daniel, as stated before, does call out abusive behavior. Is he doing it in a way that reduces harm? Fuck no. Is he hurting everyone in the way he does it? Absolutely. But he has shown no evidence of being supportive of abusers and Marius has been set up explicitly as an abuser.

RE; Conclusion

Daniel Molloy is not a good person but he is not an abuser and there is no evidence that suggests he would love Marius or be in any way supportive of his actions. This is true in particular with Armand, since it is now well-established that they will have a romantic relationship in the future.

[queerfandomtrifecta]

No but really. It’s probably ridiculous and I’m connecting dots that aren’t even there in a few places but I’m so far down the rabbit hole of the Talamasca engineering the Loumand divorce. They clearly had some sort of vested interest in it; I don’t think that’s a stretch At all seeing as they strategically gave Daniel all the pieces of the puzzle as the interview went on and the tension between Louis and Armand grew. The enhanced 1973 audio. The script with Armand’s notes in the margins. Real Rashid knew when to get tf out of that penthouse when stuff was gonna blow up at the end. I don’t even think it’s that far fetched to think Real Rashid truly was the one to put the other photographer’s work in Louis’ portfolio, knowing Louis would assume Armand had done it and that it would cause a big fight and bring all the old feelings about Armand’s other lies to the front of Louis’ mind. Conveniently, the morning after that fight was when Armand left to chase down Malik. Who scheduled that for a time when Armand would have to leave Louis and Daniel alone together instead of when Daniel was out for dinner or Louis was asleep? Real Rashid was in charge of other parts of their schedules so he could’ve been involved. He was the one who escorted Malik in so clearly he at least knew. And I know this is definitely a stretch, but theoretically the Talamasca could’ve even behind the purchase of the Bacon Triptych so there’d be the tension over redecorating, since there’s clearly a difference in their decor styles; Louis’ monochromatic concrete brutalism + trauma decor vs Armand’s suggestion of gold and white Ai WeiWei wallpaper that’s a statement on freedom of speech and features vivid mandalas of handcuffs and security cameras with ~10”x16” bright blue and yellow oil painting of a lemon from the mid ’90s(lol wtf Armand) Guessing this difference in style has been something the house staff have seen before. I’m sure there’s more and I’m gonna have fun with this til I’m proven wrong in s3 lol

[latracyde]

armand trauma analysis

i have 1.5k of bullet point ramblings about armand that i wrote for myself intending to also show my therapist (because she is awesome). i've decided i also want to show Parts of it to tumblr

prepare for a lot of text!!!!!

armand’s memories are all fragments of abuse, and his concept of identity is nebulous. he cannot remember if “arun” was what his parents named him. he is given the name armand by the coven, new names mark an adoption of new identity (new fragments, all dissonant)

(s2ep4) when they finally commit to one another on the park bench: “i want you. i want you more than anything in the world” “you sure about that, arun?” “yes, maitre”

armand adopting that deference and submission is definitely some sort of regression to the role he played (was forced into) with his maker and as a young boy, because that is his point of reference as to what love looks like. akin to a fawn response. the need to be victimized is ingrained in him as it was a role he took on in his most formative years (both in his human and vampire lives). love is devotion: raw, scraping, violating.

though the fawn response does appear outside of sex, it is largely a role armand takes on during sex. relationship broken up into wildly different dynamics that they shift between

needs the other extreme (of being controlling, the abuser) to counter the raw vulnerability of being “arun”

this is how he overall maintains that he has agency within the relationship

dynamics where he holds power: the caring (in a self righteous sort of way - “prison of empathy” - when in actuality he is the one presumptively determining what is “good” for other people; he does not realize his projections of what other people want are not reality) and then the outright cruel, lashing out, violent

(s2ep5) re: "prison of empathy" - it's as if acting in (what he believes) is louis's best interest negates the deceit and the cruelty

“have i atoned for my part of paris? have i crawled an inch forward, or am i a reminder of the worst of it?” fixated with the idea of evening the score by “atoning” or erasing

armand believes his part in paris (though he has strategically obscured the full extent of his role) is the root of their relationship issues, shows how he views conflict as a chronic wound.

armand wants to kill daniel, louis goes to stop him: “after what you put me through here (self victimization) i deserve this”, louis concedes but says to keep daniel alive “as a testament to our companionship, of its endurance” a symbol (beyond his fondness for daniel) of this conflict. armand fawns “are you asking, maitre?” “no, arun, i’m not asking”

reason why he messes with their memories instead, needs another way to compartmentalize what happened. if louis walks away remembering & the boy is still alive, it still exists between them

deeply insecure in his relationship w louis, stems from falling in love w lestat and not having it returned. ironically the dissonant, fragmented roles that contain their relationship is what makes it stifling and boring for louis

rigidity and control and then eruption, it’s all him reacting to a feeling of powerlessness and insecurity

torturing daniel and trying to pick apart what makes him “fascinating”, is disappointed with what he finds. calls him an “eager black hole” but that is a mundane trait to him

(quote from fanfic), “ Armand could have … found the same streak of psychological masochism in half the room[at the bar they met], he was sure. He could have returned to the bathroom and found it in the mirror.” what he sees in daniel is similar to what’s underneath his own finely honed controlling-cruel persona

another dimension (which is explored in the same fanfic) could be that the similarities between armand & daniel only make him more frustrated at louis calling him boring vs daniel fascinating. he indulges his instinct to exploit daniel’s masochistic, eager, affection starved nature in the cruelest way possible and has to justify why louis shouldn’t do the same with him (“He’s Louis’s immortal companion and deserves to be treated as such. he’s allowed to be upset that Louis won’t give him that dignity.”), part of him still sees these aspects of him as deserving of cruelty and abuse. also demonstrates how he has to vie for affection and to be valued in his relationship with louis

really interesting how current daniel still has an "eager black hole" to him, but he has built genuine competence(analytical, committed to the truth) and self confidence over top of it. he was able to live and develop throughout his human life whereas armand was not - turning as a form of trauma that stunts growth/inclines one to maladaptive ways of thinking

reason why armand (in the book) was so adamant on daniel living his full human life & part of why both versions of them are so against siring a vampire of their own

“i won’t hurt you” → ”and i never have” compartmentalizes in an effort to maintain this unrealistic ideal of a relationship (and in particular, what role he plays in that relationship)

this desire to be a partner who has never hurt the other could be born out of perfectionism (meaning he really is consumed by the need to abide by this standard) or because being a perfect partner gives him some sort of leverage (think: “prison of empathy”, self righteousness)

i wrote this after finishing s2 when i needed to understand (not defend or justify) his actions

why armand would direct the trial

vengeance for the lack of control & guilt (which he would retroactively see as misplaced or a sign of weakness) felt when louis pressured him to turn madeleine

loyalty to his coven of 200 years, having created the great laws with them and wanting to enforce them despite him excusing them being broken earlier into knowing louis and claudia

obvious disdain (or even, a removed callousness) towards claudia, wanting to punish her

self sabotage of relationship with louis, this is his way of Escaping the relationship. convinced himself that louis does not really love him (think:lestat), needs to take himself out of this position where he’s in love and vulnerable because of it.

symbolic reminder of his own lapse in enforcement as coven maitre, him being stripped of that title serves the same purpose. form of punishment; even though he orchestrated the trial i do believe it caused him pain to see louis hurt (definitely not the case for claudia and madeleine)

re: symbolism, this could be part of why he is so passionate in his directing of the trial (as well as the fact that he is a long time play director, definitely has a commitment to his craft at this point)

notably, armand’s lies about paris start off as lies of omission (not saying he directed the trial) or adopting a narrative that is conveniently available (ie that he was the one who used his powers to save louis’s life, instead of lestat) and he explicitly lies afterwards in order to uphold them. he’s not just adopting the narrative that undermines his wrongdoings as something to tell to louis, but also to himself. when someone convinces themselves something is true the lies to uphold it afterwards are truths to them

in his reaction to lestat using his powers on the crowd, seeing that act of love from lestat blatantly shows him his lack of devotion to louis (ironic considering “but she didn’t love you! not like he did, not like i have”) in the form of someone who actually did something to protect him

because louis ends up surviving (i do believe his intention was for louis to die as a way to pull himself out of the relationship) he feels shame and cowardice for his actions. wants to “retry” in proving his commitment to louis as if he loaded up an old save and undid the events of the play.

(quoting another fic) "and now he must do something to make Daniel forget about the mistake, or move past it. So that the mistake no longer exists between them." armand has an obsession with evening the score (atonement) or cleaning the slate. he is incredibly unsettled with how conflicts will always exist as a scar in relationships, even if scars heal and just become part of one's skin. why i instead liken his view to a chronic wound. reflection of deep insecurity within relationships, feels a lack of stability when a relationship has scars (all of them do) and he compensates via memory manipulation/compartmentalization

feel free to reblog with your own additions/disagreements, etc. all that i ask is that you don't be hostile about it if our opinions differ, and also to keep in mind that i haven't read the books. :-)

[swiftsalad]

This is a very sentimental piece that I recently drew of Armand, specifically from a couple chapters of the fanfic-in the deafening polar province called You. Please read it first if you don’t want to be spoiled bc I’m about to talk about spoilers.

Spoilers free TLDR: Armand’s trauma being this shapeless thing over his heart, that is fragmented due to his broken memories, is a well of pain that seems endless, and so all he can do is claw at his skin.

GOOOOOD I really love this fanfic. I feel that the author really understands Armand’s character and his relationship with Daniel and they expand these concepts in such a beautiful way. And the first couple chapters that summarize Armand’s POV of the 2 weeks in Dubai, are done so well where I can really feel how Armand is comfortable in his relationship with Louis but isn’t really happy and how in his mind he can’t really comprehend why he does what he does but really only knows how to act in the moment when his security is jeopardized. So of course he runs after Louis when the truth is revealed because Louis is his safety blanket, and without it Armand knows he’ll be alone again. That feeling is also what pushes him to tell Daniel about their past, stringing along enough information so Daniel keeps him around for a couple days once they’re back in New York. But then you have that chapter where Armand realizes that his relationship with Louis turned into comfortable complacency and that he never stopped loving Daniel and then a hint of subconscious, self sabotage because he really let Daniel reveal the truth without realizing it. AND THEN YOU GET THE FLASHBACKS. it’s my personal belief that we get the flashbacks as Armand himself is remembering/thinking about them since it’s his POV, like I think every flashback is done not only so its in sync with the plot beats but also because its Armand’s line of thinking.

Returning the memories to Daniel; heartbreaking, their last time having sex; heartbreaking, their first time having sex since; heartbreaking, “what we both want, we get”; heartbreaking, Daniel once again asking to be turned; heartbreaking, Armand trying to dissuade Daniel from vampirism by having him kill a guy and drink his blood via Armand straw; INSANE but heartbreaking, Daniel pinching and poking Armand until he agrees to turn Daniel; so funny and real but heartbreaking.

Then we get to the last 10 chapters and the whole time I felt as though there were a thorn in my heart and I was on the verge of tears the whole time. If these previous chapters were heartbreaking then these last chapters are DEVASTATING.

“I need you to keep it together”; DEVASTATING, “take it all and punish me for this”; DEVASTATING, Armand seeing Daniel’s gold eyes for the first time; DEVASTATING, Armand needing to be in pain for their first time as maker and fledgling; DEVASTATING,

And I quote:

“Five hundred years, Armand’s heart has beat the same lonely rhythm. Five hundred years, and every moment has been captive to the pounding, pulsing need. To the question that has forever gone unanswered. Do you love do you love me do you love me?”

“You can feel it now.” Daniel murmurs, irises nearly clear, pupils blown wide like two yawning holes Armand wants to fall into. “How much I love you.”

Daniel’s heart beats and beats and beats.

And yes, Armand can feel it. Daniel inside him, his heart and its steady I do I do I do, so certain that not even Armand’s own can find a way to doubt it.”

End quote.

So DEVASTATING that I’m crying, screaming, and throwing up. This chapter is one of the two that inspired me to draw something from the concepts and themes that arose with these characters. The other chapter that inspired the composition of the drawing is only a few chapters later in chapter 23, the moment is too long to quote fully but to put it simply, after Armand has a nightmare where he relives his trauma(btw as someone who has trauma dreams, this was written really well and realistic to how trauma works in dreams) Daniel wakes him up and he slowly realizes that in his sleep, he clawed at his chest, directly above his heart, subconsciously trying to rip it out. When I tell you, I had to look at the ceiling for many hours after chapter 23. And then I spent a week trying to draw it, I scrapped so many sketches because it was so important for me to get right. What’s crazy is that I felt as though the fanfic was not the same after chapter 23 either, like in the following chapters until the epilogue, there’s this weird melancholy in Armand’s narrative, and then in the chapter where they temporarily split, Armand directly calls it a “bomb” that hasn’t detonated yet. Like Daniel is simultaneously a reprieve from Armand’s self-loathing and now the source of it. Everything, everything, everything in this fic is exactly what I want from Devil’s Minion, past and current. The gentle violence, the violent intimacy, the bond before the blood bond, before the vampire bond, the constant draw to one another, the push and pull, the unspoken parallels; young Daniel being similar to Arun, old Daniel being similar to Amedeo, old Daniel with returned memories being something new but getting closer to being Armand’s equal, then vampire Daniel not only being Armand’s equal but being ONE with him, of course with the help of the vampire bond, where Daniel feels Armand’s feelings before Armand can even recognize them. And any time one of them puts their hand over the others heart it makes me just want to roll around on the floor or sink to the bottom of a pool, I really need that to be canon at some point.

THANK YOOOU @shineforthee for writing such a compelling fanfiction, I’m literally obsessed with everything you write it's not even funny!!!

[rapha-reads]

IWTV rewatch

Season 1 episode 7 [The Thing Lay Still] - part 3/3

- Okay, the triple confrontation Daniel/Louis, Daniel/Armand and Louis/Louis is long but there's so much to say, I have to quote it entirely:

[Daniel] "Well, isn't that neat and tidy?" - THANK YOU DANIEL, I know I can always count on you to point out the flaws and holes in the fabric of Louis' recollection.

[Louis] "'There was a ship. We did get on it.'

[Daniel] 'Yeah, I read that, the first 50 pages. Not exactly the, uh, adventure-of-our-lives feeling I'm feeling.'

[Louis] 'It was a traumatic escape.'

[Daniel] 'Yeah, but she didn't say that explicitly. […] But, um… there's a feeling that she hated your guts there for a while. Why is that?'"

Trust Daniel to always see the little thing that would be inconsequential to anyone else.

[Louis] "'I was haunted by my brother's death, by the abandonment of my sister, by the murder of Lestat, I…'

[Daniel] 'Murder? What murder? It was an act of mercy. You didn't kill Lestat. You spared him out of some fucked-up idea you had about love.'

[Louis] 'Love? I bled him like a pig and waited for the death rattle.'"

Oh, Louis. You are so good at lying to yourself. Good thing Daniel's too much of an excellent investigative reporter to let you fool him like you're fooling yourself. Notice how Louis looks as Daniel undoes all his lies and smoke mirrors? Like he's still trying to cling so hard to the story he's told himself for the past 80 years, like the lie is the only thing that keeps him upright, like if he admits the love, admits he wanted to save Lestat, that would completely undo him and there would be no going back?

[Daniel] "You were shot point-blank by an alderman. You were dropped a thousand feet and survived. You torched Antoinette just to make sure. Where does the trash go, Louis? You take the trash down to the street, some guys show up in a truck and they throw it in the back, and then, they drive it out to the middle of nowhere, right? No. They take the trash to the dump. And having lived two blocks away from the dump just outside of Fishkill, New York, with my first wife, I can state, with authority, what else you'll find there. Rats. Big fucking rats, the size of Kevin Durant's sneakers. Enough blood in them to bring back the dead. Especially one in a trunk with locks on the inside. You knew it, Louis. You had to. The biggest rat eater of them all."

Thank you for bringing back Moonlight Sonata! Haven't figured out yet if it's intra or extradiegetic tho. I love its presence in this episode. It's my favourite piece of classical music (I know, very original) and it's so gothic par excellence.

Mention of the first wife, Alice/Armand, no, I will not get down from this hill.

I love how Daniel's theory posit Louis as having done some planning for himself outside of Claudia's and even Lestat's, with the trunks locking on the inside and the rats needed to revive.

[Rashid/Armand] "'This session is over.'

[Daniel] 'How many days in the Islamic year? How many names are there for Allah?'

[Rashid/Armand] '355 and 99.'

[Daniel] 'Why does a 200-pound bouncer pass out after he sucks him off, and you, a wet T-shirt away from 130, doesn't even blink?'"

Ha, Daniel said 'okay who the eff are you and why am I smelling bullshit'. Meanwhile Armand said 'oh shit we're getting too close to dangerous waters and Louis is about to lose it, better reassert control'. But also, Muslim!Armand. Definitely. Not a throwaway line, not just pretence. Rolin Jones I'm counting on you to not fuck this up.

[Louis] "'I couldn't burn him.'

[Daniel] 'But Claudia could.'

[Louis] 'No', she couldn't.'

[Daniel] 'She stuck a pen in his neck. She recorded his last words in his own blood. The girl did not have a fuckin' problem tossing him on the grill, okay?'"

And Louis' wall of lies is breaking and shattering… And the pebbles of the zen garden, his other big trauma, don't help either…

[Daniel] "You cursed her into the darkness. You chose Lestat over her time and time again. You don't need a memoir, Louis. You need a hundred sessions of EMDR. You know the shit they put soldiers through when they see one of their platoon buddies get blown up in front of them?"

Say it, Daniel! These messy vamps need therapy.

Making jokes to avoid the sheer anguish in Louis' face, voice and body language, both in the 1940 flashback (the image of Louis holding Lestat's body and yelling is tattooed on my eyelids) and in 2022 (Louis sitting in his zen garden hugging and rocking himself, eyes screwed shut, trying to block Daniel and Armand's voices and the memories lives rent free in my mind).

[Daniel] "'144 years and you're still Louis the Pimp, paying a whore to sit in a room and talk with you. 'Cause why? You got some story you wanna tell the whole world about yourself?'

[Rashid/Armand] 'When you hear it you'll be ashamed, ashamed of what you say to him now!'"

Please don't hold back, Danny, do tell us what you think exactly. But hey, Louis needs to hear it.

The fuck are you talking about, Armand… Also notice how agitated he is? Feeling protective of Louis, or feeling like he's losing control of the interview, the interviewee and the interviewer all at once?

Love Armand taking off is gloves in the background. So subtle, so crucial. And then the lenses.

[Daniel] "'This is the same shit that happened in San Francisco.'

[Louis] 'Not exactly.'

[Daniel] 'How is it any different, Louis?'

[Armand] 'This time I won't save your life. Louis can sometimes act out. I protect him from himself, always have. Stopped him that night in San Francisco.'"

Oh, hello, Armand's decided to play Superman. Aaaaah, Armand's orange eyes, I love them!!!

Can we talk about Armand's infantilisation of Louis? "He acts out, I protect him from himself"… Like a child that can't regulate his feelings and needs to be put on time's out. The manipulation is deep and multi-layered, it's not just the memory alteration. Notice how Louis is pretty much dissociating, staring at the grey wall, face slowly becoming inexpressive and voice returning to flat and empty, from the moment Armand started telling off Daniel?

[Daniel] "'You were there.'

[Louis] 'You don't remember.'

[Daniel] 'No, I don't remember.'

[Louis] 'What was that you said about memory? 'A monster', was it?'

[Daniel] 'But I saw you standing in the sun.'

[Armand] 'As we age, the sun loses its power over us. What's a mediocre star to a 514-year-old vampire?'

[Louis] 'Daniel Molloy, I'd like you to meet the vampire Armand, the love of my life.'"

One, don't be too cocky, Louis, there's plenty you don't remember about that night too yourself.

Two, and we've come full circle again, the monster memory making itself fully known after lurking all season long.

Three, shut up Armand, the Sun is not a mediocre star, it's part of the entire reason there's life on this planet, show some respect. Sun deities are some of the most frequent deities around the globe. You need to come back down to earth.

Four, all the books being out of reach to Louis, another way Armand's exerting subtle control.

Five, "love of my life", BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGA *deep breath* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA, that line kills me every time I hear time. Why you lying Louis, stop fucking lying all the time. Sorry, Armand.

Daniel seeing them side by side and hearing that stupid line after listening to Louis ramble and compose poetry on the spot about Lestat for the past week or so: "hm. I sense bullshit of the highest degree. Time to destroy that whole tower of lies one by one.".

Aaaaaaaaaah, that was such a rich and intense episode!!!! What a grandiose season 1 final!!! So many different elements that have got to be revisited by other perspectives to get the full painting. So many seeds planted for season 2 and even season 3!! The writing is flawless, the acting is exquisite, the music is gorgeous, the costume, set design and stage direction are masterful. I am in love with this show.

ep1 | ep2 | ep3 | ep4 | ep5 | ep6 | part 1 | part 2

[itmightrain]

I keep thinking about Armand telling young Daniel "my first memory, I'm being run down by slavers in Delhi. My second..." and then stopping and smile-grimacing and getting up and calling Daniel an eager black hole. I wonder what Armand was going to say and why he stopped. Was he thinking about Louis throwing his trauma in his face during their argument? Was he reacting to something he read in Daniel's mind? I'm so curious

[monstersinthecosmos]

buncha discourse a year or so back about how Marius and Daniel are both complete people without Armand (agreed) and that acknowledging the way Armand sort of haunts their relationship means we're taking agency away from Daniel as a whole person (vehemently disagree) and basically I just think, it's very short sighted to look at a relationship like Marius & Daniel's and NOT acknowledge the empty space of Armand between them.

Of course!!!!! We must acknowledge that fanworks and fandom are about transformative work and someone can easily devote time & energy to writing fics where Armand is never acknowledged once if that's what they want, but it's not what I want! It's not how I prefer to approach them!

I think there's something very salient about Armand's absence between them! I want us to spend time with it! I want to ask, when Daniel is at his worst, how much of this is Armand's fault? And I want to ask, when Marius nurses him through it, how much guilt does he feel? How might he look at Armand's behavior as a maker and wonder if he fucked up, if he did wrong by Armand by not being a better maker himself, if this could've been avoided?

It's such incredible source of trauma to look at--for Marius, I think it's a matter of "He behaves this way because I couldn't keep him safe, and I didn't rescue him, and I didn't rescue him because I couldn't reconcile how betrayed and triggered I felt by his cult, and if I had taken care of Santino and taken the cult seriously all along, this could have been avoided."

And for Daniel, we have to remember it's not JUST that he had a bad turning, that he's sensory-overloaded and bad at vampiring, but this is the nastiest breakup of his life! Especially considering that like, it's so much beyond being a marriage of sorts--TILL DEATH DO US PART except they'll never die. It must have hurt him so badly. And like, he was 20 when his life effectively ended, so it's entirely possible that this is his ONLY real bad breakup, and this was his only like actual adult relationship.

But even for him, I love thinking about how badly Armand hurt him, but as he gets to know Marius and understand the situation better, and understand Why Armand is Like That, there's such a potent space for forgiveness and empathy.

I like thinking about Daniel coming out of it slowly and allowing Marius to see his real personality, and all the space where they get to know each other and care for each other. It's not unlike the Devil's Minion--growing something where there was something else. With Armand it was fear and revulsion that become familiar and passionate. With Marius it starts with caretaking and confusion, and as he gets ahold of himself and things come into focus they can get to know each other as people.

idk I just really love this triangle in VC and the dynamics are really fascinating to me, and I'm happy that I've been poking at it and dissecting it for Vamptember, and I hope my haters of the past who told me I was stupid for approaching this way know that they can simply keep scrolling and write their own fics if they don't like it! :)

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

i've been thinking about the loumand dymanic on the show bc it is so juicy. bc there are layers to it. it's a decades long dom/sub thing, except the roles switch. bc i think what louis was seeing on that bench in episode 4, was basically what lestat saw in tvl.

i got a little carried away, so I'm adding a cut

like the literal quotes from Lestat about Armand:

"You've been the slave of everything that ever laid claim to you."

"You were the slave of Marius and then the Children of Darkness. You fell under the spell of one and then the other. What you suffer now is the absence of a spell."

"We cannot be Marius for you, or the dark lord, Santino. We are not artists with a great vision that will carry you forward. And we are not evil coven masters with the conviction to condemn a legion to perdition. And this domination--this glorious mandate--is what you must have."

"You have to suffer through this emptiness, and find what impels you to continue."

Like, yes, Armand is a control freak. But there is also a part of him that craves domination. (Bc submitting to a mandate, to a god, to a lover, gives you purpose. It gives you a reason to keep going, it's something to drive you forward.)

And Louis gets that. He has his own submissive side. Armand wants to simultaneously be in control, and be told what to do. And I think that's in part bc he's a switch, but also in part bc my boy is autistic af and just needs some help sometimes. Like he says to Lestat in tvl "But for me the world, the real world in which Marius lived, is beyond reach. I never lived in it. I push against the glass. But how do I get it?" (The bold emphasis is mine. But I feel like Armand is also referring to his time as Amadeo here, which suggests this was a thing even before he was a vampire.)

Armand calls Daniel an empty hole in 2x05, but it's kinda what he is? Like, he literally doesn't remember his mortal life. He's been groomed and brain-washed his entire life until Lestat comes and tears it all down. But Armand, he needs these sort of things, like being leader of a coven, because they form his sense of identity.

It's why Louis and he work together for so long. Both of them are the kind of people who base their identity, their sense of self, on their relationships with others. Claudia asking Louis who he was outside her and Lestat, what he wants, how he's gonna get there. I think that was sort of the same talk Louis was having with Armand on the bench. Like yes, he may have been being manipulative, but like, who cares? Lestat and Armand are manipulative af. My boy Louis is just keeping up.

Also, I do think it was relevant that the bench scene where loumand's whole master/slave dynamic is born comes after several scenes of Armand displaying Lestat like behavior. Louis even calls it 'vintage Lioncourt'. So Louis needs to make sure that Armand really isn't Lestat. Both of them are deeply traumatized people, acting in ways that are shaped by that trauma.

[nightcolorz]

Do you think Armand masks/is able to mask?

Amazing question!!!! I’ve made a post about this b4 a while ago (that I can’t find 💔) but Yes!!!! I think Armand is almost always masking. Lemme explain lol

Some autistic people mask by putting on a performance of conventional emotional reactions (such as making an effort to smile when they r happy bcus naturally they don’t make any expression when they r happy). without a mask these ppl may appear cold/mean/expressionless, etc regardless of how they r feeling, bcus expressing what is inside doesn’t come naturally. so in this case the mask is the effort of putting on the appearance of emotions so that their mood won’t be misinterpreted or demonized

Some autistic people r the complete opposite, and they mask by training their faces to be neutral/expressionless because when they r unmasked the way they express their emotions is so over the top and extreme that it is inappropriate + off putting (such as uncanny looking expressions that may appear childish or cartoonish, big emotional breakdowns, excessive crying, or even disproportionate shows of happiness that could be considered socially inappropriate). so to blend in these ppl try to stifle that by putting on a cold exterior, and mask by restricting how extreme their emotional reactions r to appear as smth more socially acceptable.

Armand is often interpreted as the first example, bcus he is often very expressionless, stilted, and cold, which when considering his autism makes ppl assume that he has the type of autism where outward expression of emotions dont come naturally to him, so he isn’t often expressive bcus of this. But!!! I think Armand more accurately aligns with the second example. Armand, when he isn’t masking, (as described in the books), expresses his emotions in extreme, over the top ways that are considered actually disturbing by other characters. In tvl Lestat says his rare genuine facial expressions look “horrific” and comedically absurd because of how much they warp his face, like a cartoon character. When Armand is upset and the mask breaks he has huge emotional meltdowns where he breaks things and harms himself + others and screams and cries, etc. So! By making himself appear cold, unfeeling, inexpressive, etc, Armand is masking!!! He trains his face and his behavior so that he keeps his naturally over expressive reactions at bay. Naturally, when unmasked, he expresses his emotions in huge ways that alienate him and are frightening/off putting to other people. In the books armands mask rarely slips, and when it does it’s shocking. Armand can go from inexpressive and blank faced to an exposed nerve of huge feeling in a second.

If Armand was always unmasking I believe he would act like a completely different character. But Armand is 99% of the time, always masking. Because of his trauma, and of course bcus he was never diagnosed or treated as if his autism was normal, he is conditioned to always mask out of self preservation. I don’t think Armand has ever tried to unmask, bcus I think he doesn’t see unmasking as a show of his real self. He probably sees unmasking as letting go of his self control and giving into childishness/madness. Armand has to be really pushed to his limits to let his mask slip, bcus he often considers his mask more of a part of himself than his genuine emotions. Armand doesn’t know who is he, and he tries to fill in this black hole where his sense of self would be by always preforming what he believes is needed/wanted from him. When he lets go of the performance, he can’t comprehend what’s there. And I think that rlly frightens him

thank u sm for the ask I love this question so much!!!!!! <3333 I wish I could find my original Armand masking post cuz it’s def better worded 😭 but unfortunately tumblrs search engine is incredibly broken

[indelicateink]

some random recent wishes from the bounty of IWTV kink meme requests--the full list is amazing!

note: so many thanks to @vampire-dove for maintaining this anon kink meme for us.

to play: click on the form link on the left side of the kink meme page. please go add more. please fill prompts. have you mused about your favs exploring each others’ bodies today? NO? would you like to?

Armand/Louis de Pointe du Lac Blood Drinking

loumand have been fucking but they haven't shared blood yet

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Raglan James/Daniel Molloy

Daniel Molloy and whoever the hell Justin Kirk is playing (Raglan? Marius?). Dubai, pre-vampire Daniel. Just two old men screwing while screwing over vampires.

--

Lestat de Lioncourt/Louis de Pointe du Lac Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

modern-day au. when impoverished Lestat de Lioncourt comes into the vast inheritance left to him by his stalker, he makes a lot of changes in his life. the first is tackling his illiteracy. he's making steady progress, but braving the public library has been life-altering--especially since meeting the hot librarian who recommends him books for them to argue about.

other life goals include buying an actual house, exploring the wonders of having health insurance, enjoying the ability to buy new clothes. and getting over the trauma of magnus's attack. and being able to be intimate with someone again. little things like that. mostly he just wants to hang out around all the free books, in sight of his very beautiful new friend.

non-ao3 tags: anxiety about sex, louis is compassionate, adult learning is not a punchline, louis knows all the best erotica

--

Claudia/Madeleine Claudia starts realizing that she's getting the same kind of butterflies around Madeleine as she did around boys, perhaps even stronger. One night after Madeleine called to visit, Claudia takes her exploration into her own hands and imagination.

While Claudia is in the throes of her self pleasure, Madeleine returns to retrieve something she'd forgotten, only to hear Claudia's moans through the half-closed door. Peering inside, she watches for a moment, her own hunger growing inside her, before she can't hold herself back. Swooping into the room, Madeleine takes charge of the situation (not in a dom sense; just in an experienced sense) and shows Claudia the joys of lesbian sex.

TLDR: Claudeleine + masturbation interruptus, first times, (slight) voyeurism, experienced teaching the inexperienced

--

Armand/Daniel Molloy, Lestat de Lioncourt/Louis de Pointe du Lac Possessive Behavior, Possessive Armand, Vampire Daniel Molloy

Daniel wants to interview Lestat, but apparently he’s like catnip to older vampires. Lestat flirts relentlessly, Louis finds it funny, and Armand is possessive.

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Armand/Louis de Pointe du Lac Trans Louis de Pointe du Lac, Trans Armand, Lesbian Sex

dyke loumand have sex on a motorbike

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Lestat de Lioncourt/Louis de Pointe du Lac Birthday Sex, Consensual Somnophilia, Marathon Sex, Established Relationship, Consensual Kink Loustat having (enthusiastic!) free use agreement on their respective birthdays (including somnophilia).

I couldn't find free use kink tag so let's pretend it's there. Ideally, would have two parts, one on louis' birthday, one on lestat's, but picking one would be good too!

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Daniel Molloy/Louis de Pointe du Lac Post-Season/Series 02, Canon Compliant, Murder, Blood Drinking, Shower Sex, Bottom Louis de Pointe du Lac louis gets back home a few days later to a newly turned daniel who has been holed up in the penthouse since he killed a couple employees as soon as he'd gone through the worst of his transformation. vampire daniel with newfound zest for life comes onto him.

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Lestat de Lioncourt/Louis de Pointe du Lac Top Louis de Pointe du Lac, Bottom Lestat de Lioncourt, Dominant Louis de Pointe du Lac, Submissive Lestat de Lioncourt, Spanking, Crybaby Lestat de Lioncourt, Cock Warming, Orgasm Delay, Orgasm Denial, Orgasm Edging, Begging

After Lestat comes back home flaunting Antoinette's scent, trying to get a rise out of Louis, he gets what he wants. But Louis, determined not to give in so easily, makes him beg for it.

Bonus points if Louis makes Lestat play the piano with his cock in him.

--

Daniel Molloy/Louis de Pointe du Lac Painplay, High Heels, Foot Fetish, Orgasm Edging, Verbal Humiliation, Bottom Louis de Pointe du Lac could be an AU or canonverse. louis likes high heels, daniel likes it when louis gets a little mean.

--

so I am but one cheerleader--if anyone else wants to make posts promoting requests they'd like to see, you might catch the eye of a like-minded author or fellow dreamer!

[foreignswaggersession]

Agreed that louis loved armand in paris but i struggle to see armand ever loving louis if he did, it was very little and very selfishly. Ik this discourse about loumand is stupid but i understand why ppl are having it, they didn't show us the love.

you're not wrong and you should say that loudly. when i say i have "loumand love evidence" i really mean "louis loving armand" evidence. armand is generally mean, controlling, deceitful, and manipulative to louis in every interaction, but because he's hot and had childhood trauma™️ people (and louis) ignore that.

my problem with loumand discourse is people assuming armand is the one not being loved enough (s1 loustat discourse followed the same pattern). the side that thinks hot abusers deserve sympathy b/c trauma™️ can't be helped, but now people go so far as to rewrite entire episodes to pretend louis doesn't feel anything for armand, even though loving people he shouldn't is foundational to his character. also when has claudia ever been wrong about louis's relationships?

also also, people have memory-holed all of the conflict between louis and lestat, so of course loumand looks "less" romantic in comparison. but louis was not happy for the majority of that relationship (claudia is the reason for louis's joy during the "housewife" era) and we see lestat belittling him and ignoring his feelings all the time. don't get me started on the abuse apologia. much of the "love" between them is also not shown on screen, but people see it where it doesn't exist (prime example - the dissociating sex scene gets reposted as romantic EVERYWHERE and it makes me ill).