#arc: the aegis

[beaulesbian]

Thoughts and more thoughts about the potential of Rob Lucci after chapter 1111 - spoilers and theory

(disclaimer: this might be totally implausible and not at all what could happen, but it's something that's been on my mind since last chapter, so here are my thoughts on this. again, very long post ahead, I don't know how it keeps happening)

The way Oda allowed Lucci to feel during chapter 1111, is something I didn't expect to find so intriguing, and it points to how much depth really has each character in this story.

There is a subtle change of certain aspects of Rob Lucci's personality since the start of Egghead, and in the chapter 1111 even a bigger focus is on his reaction to meeting Mars Gorosei and asking for Kaku to be spared.

Given this swept away answer with seeing whom he's been serving all this time, there could come a realization that'd sort of wake him up. There's a potential to somewhat turn power of Cipher Pol agents from blindlessly following the World Government. To stop being the WG's shield.

It's very probable the story might deal with the reform or even collapse as a whole of the World Government - especially since the Gorosei are currently Luffy's main enemies. With that, the Cipher Poll intelligence could play a significant part of it as well, along with other moving pieces like the Revolutionary Army, Shanks, Luffy's fleet or even Morgans and his newspapers, and, of course, the Strawhats.

There's been comments of readers who only saw Lucci and Zoro's fight as one dimensional - one has to win, the other has to lose, and comparing points and skills without really diving into their respective characters - thankfully Oda knows those characters and knows how to make the story interesting and compelling. Where before I hoped we would get a follow up about the words directed at Zoro, instead Lucci was given more space for this chapter.

Where one would hope for Zoro to win and move to other parts of the island with the Strawhats, we instead stayed with Lucci and him witnessing Mars in his full on demon form - something that even Lucci was shocked to see.

Those two pages were such incredible moments for Lucci as a character who serves fully the Gorosei and the World Government in first place, yet! Yet! In the last part he's on the page, he's allowed and shown to be worried and caring for someone else than himself- after arcs and arcs where he appeared here and there just carrying out on orders and missions without seemingly caring about anyone to much depth before, he's given space to actually express the concern regarding Kaku.

Of course he's still this same of bloodthirsty killer, just like in Enies Lobby, (ch. 382),

both his immediate fight upon seeing Luffy on Egghead, and later against Zoro paints it clear what he's capable of.

Rob Lucci is regarded as one of the strongest assassin's in the Cipher Pol agency CP9 (and later with higher rank of CP0). Just reading his wikia to remember more moments, the section about his personality is mostly compiled of traits like cold-hearted, agressive, and especially taking the Wold Governments meaning of Justice into brutal heights, thinking all is allowed to accomplish his goals/missions/orders.

There's his past and how he has been trained by WG to do as they told him, or even go to length which he wasn't even ask to do, but knowing his position as assassin he did as he wanted.

By the end of Water 7 and leaving to Enies Lobby, where he preteded to be friends with Iceberg, Paulie and other shipwrights for 5 years, he didn't show any regrets leaving the place (contrary to Kaku, who seemed to really enjoy his work as shipwright and is sometimes shown really excited about new places and such)

Up until the chapter 1111 I mostly took him as someone really dutiful to follow orders through and through and not gave it much more thought beside that, but it's true that this already started to shift around chapter 1062, when we see Lucci, Kaku and Stussy on their way to Egghead Island:

"They want us to eliminate the most useful man in the world..."

"The last thing a man as keenly perceptive as you should be doing is looking for answers." (says Stussy, a double agent working for Vegapunk, lol).

I wouldn't call it distrust in WG, yet. At this point he was still adamant about following the mission to kill Vegapunk. But maybe it's more visible that he's thinking more about such orders and their consequences.

He fights Luffy immediately after setting foot on Egghead, calls it as it is in wanting to defeat Luffy and destroy his whole crew without any pretense (and maybe that honesty was why Luffy took his word for their brief cooperation in fighting Seraphim). ch. 1076

He says this honestly, yet after the Strawhats and Vegapunks are healing later on, Lucci still tries to attack Vegapunk, ch.1091

Once knowing Kizaru appeared too, Lucci returnes back to finish his mission, he strikes at Vegapunk again - unsuccessfuly because Stussy takes that attack, and Zoro pushes him from the lab and then keep him occupied until the latest chapter 1111.

And that is a big part of him, eyes always on the mission - get information to his bosses, to Navy/Saturn/Gorosei/Kizaru, and keep his enemies occupied or better yet - dead. This thinking was always present with him to this point in ch. 1111, and that is from where it could lead to even more nuance in his future decisions:

The first time seeing Mars in his demon form there's that blink-and-you-miss it expression of pure horror, hinting that even the highest ranking agents probably had no idea just what the true nature of the Gorosei looks like, and that a sight like that can pull this expression from Lucci:

After that brief shocked state, he goes back to immediately report all informations he has on Vegapunks, Strawhats, even their plan of escape, as well as mentioning the other Cipher Pol agents, trapped in the Lab:

then there's this panel, "well done. no further questions.":

which reminded me of very similar words Lucci said to Robin in Water 7, ch. 348: "you've fulfilled your role. good work."

Maybe it's not intended as parallel, but just that similarity of something he's been clearly hearing from his higher ups, that he added it to his own vocabulary.

But then there's this more surprising part of ch. 1111:

After his shock of seeing that monster in front of him, and after giving Mars all the informations, he still finds the strength to ask him to spare his partner's life, to save Kaku:

What he gets as an answer is along the lines of: "it might be difficult when everyone to us is like ants" and that's the last of Rob Lucci for this chapter.

Mars seem to share this same thinking like Saturn expressed before, while the navy guy heard that even the life of an CP0 agents isn't something Saturn (and Gorosei) would really be troubled over, if lost.

and hearing that from Mars could be an eyeopening moment for Lucci.

They're assassins and an intelligence agency of almost the highest standing among the World Governement, but even the lives of Kaku and such seem to mean nothing to the Gorosei.

The point of the current anime episode 1098 where Lucci & CP0 were just arriving on Egghead reminded me how he was asking Vegapunk about the missing Cipher Pol agents and their disappearances, ch. 1068:

It's not that he was only concerned about Kaku in the latest chapter, but since the end of Water 7 - and seeing how his crew cared for him to pay for his medical bills (cover story chapters 491 - 528, manga only, which is very interesting that the anime didn't adapt that cover story), I think he started to care more about "his own people" - the Cipher Pol agents in general - even to visit to their "hometown" while he was healing and defended that place (and the new young trainees) from the Marines who were sent to attack CP9 after their failure at Enies Lobby:

So the question is.. once Lucci saw just who he was serving all those years, the World Government and the Gorosei - and now seeing Mars in his bird monster form disregarding any care for any lives, even their own agents - will that be a tipping point for him?

He asked Mars to spare Kaku but got an answer that all of them, Cipher Pol agents even on the highest places, are still the same as insects in the eyes of the Gorosei

Could that be something that will help him make a certain change?

My possible theory of what he might do/what might happen (given that he still has the strength to walk after his fight with Zoro):

Find Kaku himself - he was trapped in the bubble like the other Seraphim - we don't know if anyone else un-trapped him in the meantime, and Lucci himself doesn't know about the bubble prison, given his flashback to Kaku is just him laying down, as he last remembers that from the Lab.

Sanji said to Kaku that Lucci abandoned him - something that Lucci kept taunting Zoro with during their fight - about the inability to sacrifice one from their team for the greater good. (It could mean that Kaku either wouldn't count on Lucci coming back, but it would work even better if it was shown Lucci actually coming back for Kaku

and they could go finish their side mission of rescuing the other Cipher Pol agents -

and that's another thing -

even during that brief panel of their rescue -they were thankful to Luffy! Despite their positions of agents of Government, which puts them always directly opposing pirates/Strawhats/Luffy, they appreciated and thanked Luffy for giving them food and saving them, ch. 1090

This together I feel could become a moment of all these agents realizing that Luffy isn't their real enemy - or wake up from their WG brainwashed thinking once they see just who is outside fighting: Gorosei in their monster forms vs. Luffy

I think that Rob Lucci stands there now as one of the few who could sway the Governments power to a tipping point from the inside.

Not precisely helping Luffy or Strawhats, but taking that power of the intelligence agency away from the WG and Marines.

It was shown in multiple pages how the Gorosei care more about the rank and position than any lives of their trained assassins, and think of them as something to be disgarded left and right.

Their intelligence agency and assassins act as a Shield to the WG, and the CP0 even carries that in their name: AEGIS, (a powerful shield from greek mythology).

If the other agents would follow Lucci in a different direction, he could be the one to take away that shield from the Gorosei, uncover one of the layers that act as their security, leaving them more exposed and vulnerable to future attacks (possibly from people like Dragon and Revolutionary army when the time comes for them to strike).

[little-demy]

Elemental Spirit of Noblesse Oblige

You found her standing alone in that abandoned domain, humming to herself. Around her, blue butterflies dance along her tune. It was very peaceful, yet also sorrowful.

She turned. Her mask made you unable to see what beneath it. But there's a gentle smile on her lips.

"You're not a spirit ... Oh, a human! Must be a soulweaver."

[howlingday]

Ru Ja gun con

Weapon: the AEGIS device

A semi automatic gun with unlimited plasma ammunition. Equipped with a shield that’ll stop bullets and other projectiles mid air and fire back at the enemy when trigger is released.

Ruby: This seems kind of advanced for you, Jaune. Especially since you never get shot at.

Jaune: Well, no, not by bullets, but I still have to dodge getting shot, don't I?

Ruby: Yeah, but I don't think it works with Grimm feather, spikes, or Cinder's fireballs.

[fujii-draws]

I can't find any sources on this but best I can tell don't you literally only need like two gummis for the entirety of manaphy arc

why do I keep hearing about people having to grind for this

BECAUSE THE RNG FOR IT SUCKS ASS- AND IN MY SPECIFIC RUN I HAD MY TEAM DRINK EXACTLY TWO BLUE GUMMI SMOOTHIES BEFORE THE MISSION CAME UP AND I WAS SO PISSED

[trashlie]

FP 224

First things first, if you read this episode when it initially dropped and had no music, please do yourself a favor and go back and reread it again. The music has been uploaded and it is BEAUTIFUL, just.... idk it’s a little haunting, a little playful, but a lot of melancholy! Please go re-read it with your sound on! 

To no one’s surprise, I cried a lot, again, and in the subsequent few times I’ve reread it, I keep crying LMAO ;~; The feelings, okay. We’re having a lot of them. I want to shout about so many things but first I gotta protect everyone from spoilers, so let’s go!

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. The absence of Nana thus far was glaring, but until she showed up, I didn’t realize how MUCH Nol - and even we as readers - needed her. Shinae does such a beautiful job of trying to nudge Nol to opening up and trying to talk about his problems, but one of the main issues is that, of course, she just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand what Nol’s experience is, and doesn’t know just how deep the darkness goes. But Nana does. And she’s everything Nol needs in a guardian: someone who calls him out on his shit, someone who fiercely loves him, someone who can be honest with him, and someone who can apologize. 

This is, by far, the most they’ve ever talked about Nessa, and his surprise that the Lochlain’s had a strained relationship goes to show how little they’ve really talked about her (and how it’s so easy for him to believe that Nana could have been a paid actor). And now that we know about their strained past, it’s understandable why she doesn’t come up more than she has, how difficult it must be to talk about it. This is where I just sobbed and sobbed lol and like!!!! Even trying to write about it!!!!!! 

Nana was a single mother (confirmed on a patreon stream) so of course the last things he wanted was for Nessa to continue the cycle, to endure the same hardship. Of course from her view Rand was a terrible partner (if we can even call him that) given his circumstances (y’know, his marriage and living in a different country). Of course she would view this as a terrible idea, so it’s not a surprise that they argued and things left off in a bad way. But to know that there was never any reconciliation, that they never got to make any peace? That hurts SO MUCH. To know that Nessa spent the next years of her life raising Nol alone, with no family contact, before she decided to move to The United States of Asia (lol). There’s just so much grief for what could have been, what should have been, and what never got to be. 

It’s no wonder she loves Nol so fiercely, despite everything. Even if she didn’t approve of the way he was brought into this world, the circumstances surrounding his creation, she loves him so much. I think a lot about her line, that not all “mistakes” are terrible - that yes, perhaps Nol was a mistake, that he wasn’t planned, that he was an accident between a married man and his lover, but that doesn’t demean who he is, or make him lesser. She still welcomes and loves him. In a way, she’s his opportunity at a do-over. To Nana, she failed her daughter; she should have tried harder to find her, to get in touch, to make peace instead of be angry. We can assume, too, she was only so angry because she loved her daughter so much and she didn’t want her to go through what she did to raise her. And now they are each others’ only connection to her. 

It’s even worse that they live with this knowledge that she took her own life, that they have no reason to suspect otherwise. And frankly, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if finding out otherwise will reopen that wound? Nana has made her own kind of peace - she says Nessa didn’t strike her as the sort to do that, but that it shows we don’t always know what goes on inside someone’s head (does she wonder about Nol, about those darkest corners of his mind?) and in a way, she seems to understand how Nessa would arrive to the decision. She believes it’s something she could have talked her out of it, thus, like Nol, she carries her own burden of guilt, her own belief that by losing contact with her daughter and not trying hard enough to find her, she blew her only chance to save her, lost out on the opportunity to help her find comfort she needed. 

So how will they feel if/when they find out that it may not have been suicide at all, that it may have been drugs or murder staged as suicide? When you’ve made a sense of peace, what do you do with all this new grief, when you realize it’s not that she reached such a dark point, but instead, that a witch worked her dark, ugly magic (yes, I saw the How to Banish Witches book [but only after it was pointed out to me lmao])? 

Listen it just. It hurts lol it hurts a lot and it’s such a very real thing. Was Nana wrong for being upset with Nessa? Of course not. But unfortunately, none of them are fortune tellers, no one could see what future awaited Nessa should nothing change. There’s so many what if’s and what about’s and none of them matter because the future cannot change, the past has been set in stone, and if you dwell in a pool of what if’s too long, you will surely drown. 

Idk, the grief is just. So heavy. And we can see how, in their own ways, they both carry that weight of guilt, but only Nana seems to have found a way to live with t. In Nol she has the opportunity to redo what she failed to, to stay at his side and not let him run away. Even though he doesn’t open up, she knows his past, she knows his awful relationship with his father, she’s watched the way he isolates himself and how he refuses to open up. She knows enough to know that Nol needs her at his side, that he, too, is bound to leave and run away, and it’s her goal to try to stop him. And goddamn, I love her so much for it. I love her so much for her unconditional love of him, for how fiercely defensive she is, for how much she continues to love him even when she can tell he tries to fight it. Where would he be without her? ;~; 

Nana also paints us a pretty decent image of who Nessa was, not only in how she describes her, but her own personality. If Nessa was anything like Nana, and I imagine she must have been, she surely was tenacious and headstrong. Nana describes her as a good and honest woman, and while, sure, a mother would very likely talk only highly of her daughter and not describe her in negative ways, we can still see that from Nol, too. After all, he at least spent his formative years with her. He didn’t get his sense of goodness from nowhere. Even though he makes up justifications for why he’s done the things he has - like befriending people he could tell needed help, to put a little joy into their lives - it still stems from his own perceptions of the world, and what it takes to be a good person. After all, his efforts wouldn’t be penance if they didn’t have good intentions. 

I think this leaves us with enough to confirm what I’ve felt all along - that Rand and Nessa must have truly loved each other. Nana herself basically says that Nessa wouldn’t fall for someone so cold and stoic as the Rand we know, that she wasn’t chasing money, but instead she saw something no one else has ever seen. Rand is haunted by his mistakes - by his marriage to Yui, by who seems to be an accidental baby, by the loss of Nessa. While he obviously shut down long before her loss, as an effort to give Yui nothing to use against him, keeping his cool so she wouldn’t have the satisfaction of rankling him, I do think the part of Rand Nessa knew and loved died with her. There’s something so profoundly sad about how his two sons are affected by this - one who cannot reconcile with not being good enough, the other who simply believes that man never existed - and how the only person who has ever experienced him is gone. 

Not to get on our cycles and parallels, but I think Nessa was able to provide that comfort and safety to Rand, to give him a place where he could let down his walls. Even outside of his marriage, business is a harsh environment, with no room for a goofy clown. But I think away from all of that, in their own little bubble, Nessa was able to draw out that part of Rand, able to love and appreciate him for who he was. To some degree, it makes sense that he turned out this way. It stands to see yet if he met Nessa before or after his marriage, and how that alters my perception of events, but I do think it’s deeply sad that Rand found comfort where he wasn’t supposed to, that his choices haunt him the ways they do. I imagine when he entered his marriage with Yui, he had no idea how she would “turn on him” (I say this loosely because were they ever really on “the same side”?) and had no idea what a prison he was making for himself. Would he have chosen differently if he knew otherwise? Or would hubris have made him believe he could have endured it, that it was worth it for the fortune he’d amass? 

Again, what it’s don’t matter, though, because he made his choices and here we are with his incredibly broken (mentally AND now physically) son and the shared grief between a boy and his nana. 

When I tell you this shit HURTS me lmao ;A; 

But, speaking of family resemblances, I love that panel of Nana musing that maybe she should break Nol’s legs, because it reminded me SO MUCH of that panel in 219 where Nol was talking about mistreating the meat before it became a hamburger. Just. So much family resemblance in those moments! 

I could probably talk all night about how much this part of the episode hurt me but, frankly, it’s an episode full of pain so let’s get to it all ;~; lmao 

Sigh. Sweet, sweet Dieter ;A; As always, I am proven wrong lmao which is so funny to me somehow. Like, I continue to make guesses that are never right, but in some way, I really enjoy that. Although, well... 

I do think that yes, Dieter is very frustrated and upset about finally facing what I think he’s suspected all along, but I don’t think that’s the whole of it, if that makes sense? Like, of course he’s going to be upset, right? Even though he knew better, I’m sure he got his hopes up. Shinae wasn’t just spending time with him as a strictly platonic friend - the whole of their amusement park date, the hand-holding, the way she’s come to start relying on him, the way she was seeking comfort in him. He can’t help but hope it meant that maybe she was starting to like him the way he likes her. Even if he kept telling himself not to get his hopes up, that’s just the nature of feelings. We can’t kept control them, or else life would be so much smoother. And despite his hopes, I think at the back of his mind he knew. Remember when he was asking Minhyuk for tips on how to talk to Shinae, how to have that easy breezy kind of conversation she has with Nol. Dieter was picking up on their chemistry. When he and Soushi found her in the rain, the way he looked at her confirmed that he realized she was so much more torn up about this - not to downplay his own feelings at all, just that there was a reason she was so torn up, it affected her in a different way than it did him, because while Dieter also loves Nol, his feelings don’t border on something else like Shinae’s did. 

And in that painful (but honestly, I’m sorry, really hauntingly beautiful) panel of him waking up in the shadows, looking on and watching Shinae and Nol tuck their heads close while listening to the music from her phone, Dieter confirmed something he didn’t want to be true. 

And it DOES suck, it DOES hurt, he has every right to be upset about it. But I don’t think he’s upset AT Nol or Nol and Shinae. Not for that, at least. He knows just as well that you can’t control your feelings, because he was the one getting his hopes up after being rejected so cleanly. He was the one who couldn’t help but feel the sparks of hope when Shinae started to get to know him, to rely on him. And that’s what makes it hurt so much. Because she DOES. She says it herself - he’s always there for her, he’s so dependable and comforting, she has no problem seeking solace in him. The way she hugs him when he finds her in the waiting room - Shinae from before would never let anyone see such a vulnerable side of her, and certainly not face-on. But that’s the sum of it. He is the dependable friend, the comforting friend. When Shinae says she can always rely on him, we see Nol’s back - someone she hasn’t been able to rely on, and yet, he’s the one where her feelings have gone to. 

It’s not a diss to him by any means. Those ARE things to cherish in a friend, those are things that make someone special. But Dieter wants to be more than that, and it hurts to be relegated into that role. Shinae doesn’t mean to hurt him, either; I think she’s so deep in her feelings she doesn’t realize the way they affect others. There’s no room right now for her to pause and realize that maybe it hurts Dieter, to rely on him this way. That’s not to say I don’t think there’s room for that comfort in their friendship at all - it’s just that he’s going to need that space to heal, to confront his feelings and make peace. Nol noted before that Shiane doesn’t always realize how her words and actions affect Dieter, that even if he said he wanted to be friends, it didn’t mean those feelings had gone away. 

Something really interesting to me, actually, is how neither Shinae nor Dieter really address anything - but there’s a mutual understanding about something. Does Shinae realize that Dieter was awake? She must assume he knows something, because she immediately starts in about how stupid she feels about planning anything for Nol, that he’s so stubborn, so she must have some expectation that Dieter understands that Shinae left - and why she did. But it also feels like they’re dancing around it. There’s no acknowledgement that he overheard anything, that he has come to any realizations - and frankly I don’t think Shinae has come to any realizations herself. When she admits she does care, and she wishes that caring alone was enough, I don’t think she’s aware of the difference in how she cares vs how Dieter does. 

This is also the most we’ve ever seen this side of Dieter - the closed eyes of deceit, how serious he is, how frustrated he looks. Again, very understandably lol. I feel for him, I really do. Just because I ship what I ship doesn’t mean I don’t have a soft spot for them - and it really hurts! I think it’s ESPECIALLY painful because yes, he HAS gotten his hopes up, YES as he and Shinae grew closer he couldn’t help but become hopeful, but also HE ALSO LOVES NOL. That’s his friend, that’s someone who reached out to him when he was so alone and homesick. He understands what anyone would have seen in Yeonggi, and he understands why, even after Nol hurt them, Shinae can’t let go. Thus, he understands how she would fall for him. But I think what hurts even more is that it’s mutual - that even if he only saw them for that moment, if he went back to pretending to sleep, to trying to ignore them even as he had to sit and listen, he still saw in that moment that same tender intimacy we did. When you consider the version of Yeonggi Dieter has always known, he’s always been a little stand-off-ish, that as open and friendly as he comes across, there’s always been that distance. And to see this very different version of him, the two of them caught in this moment of closeness and shared space, of Nol closing the distance he so often keeps around him. If I were Dieter, I think I’d feel sick to my stomach lol just with the sheer ache of it. 

But I think what really has Dieter upset isn’t that he’s “just a friend” and it isn’t that his best friend seems to like the girl he likes and it’s mutual (we cannot forget the sting, that Nol has played wingman to Dieter from the get-go, that he sought every opportunity to help Shinae see something more in Dieter, that it was his every intention truly to draw them together), but rather, I think Dieter is upset about Nol hurting her. 

I was originally thinking last episode he was frustrated to see Nol back to the lies, but even Dieter saves face in this episode - and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that’s part of it, but I think it’s a lot more like.... he knows how hard Shinae is trying. He’s been the one who watched her fall apart, the mess that she became, he’s the one whose been consoling her when Nol continued to ghost them when he wouldn’t offer any explanation. He watched Shinae after they found Nol and sent him off, and the way she, too, took off. How she orchestrated this entire birthday party for him. Dieter is SO aware of HOW MUCH Shinae cares about Nol, the way she reaches out over and over, even though the version of him Dieter knew was a stand-offish girl who kept her guard up high. And despite how much she cares, despite how much she’s reached out, despite how much she’s anguished, Nol still hurts her. 

Again, don’t get me wrong. I fully understand Nol, and I especially understand how his growing feelings for Shinae are even scarier for him because of his circumstances - because of not only his past but the truth that everything Nol cares about has been used against him. But Dieter doesn’t know any of this. He just knows that Shinae cares so much about him, and that Nol cannot (or will not) open up, that for whatever reason, he still pushes her (and them) away. And every time he does, it’s him cleaning up the mess, picking up the pieces, offering comfort that doesn’t really put an end to the pain. 

And especially now that Dieter’s hopes are dashed, especially now that he sees something that has been under his nose the whole time, it feels a little more bitter, to be the one cleaning up those messes. Shinae wasn’t there to hear Nol’s apology, but she deserves to. 

I do think Nol feels regret about what he did - I think he acted out of his need for safety, so I don’t fault for him for it. What I do fault him for is that he is, essentially, playing with Shinae’s feelings, even if he doesn’t men to. He opens up a little, he draws into her a little, but he can’t follow through. And that’s fine! I get it! But she doesn’t. The least he can do is apologize. She probably won’t really understand why he doesn’t want her to see him like this, why it’s so hard for him, and how his weaknesses have always been used against him. But the least he can do is apologize to her face. I think he probably didn’t expect her to leave, either, because when he finally takes off the mask and there’s no one there, he just seems... idk, defeated? Like he expected it but maybe he had hoped JUST A TINY BIT? When he’s playing with Shinae’s headband the entire time he’s talking to Nana, fidgeting with it and doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. When he hangs his head when Dieter returns and reassures him that she’s okay. I think Nol is aware that he’s crossed a different line - that he’s hurt her in a different way. And I can’t blame her, either. Again, she as enjoying that moment so much, and I can’t imagine how much it hurt to realize how alone she was in what she was feeling, how he said he didn’t want to look, didn’t need to.

And I think we can infer that he wasn’t being entirely truthful. He had a literal mask on lol. Of course he must’ve wanted to see, but he couldn’t find the way to explain to her it was that he didn’t want to be seen like this. It’s just such a tragic situation all around, because I fully understand and empathize with everyone. If it was easy, there wouldn’t be a story. 

But I can’t help but feel with the three day extension, we’ll see something come of it. Now, again, we know my predictions are rarely right lol, but IDEALLY I’d like to see Nol approach her this time, because he seems to feel some kind of remorse, and I think he acknowledges that Dieter is lying (on Shinae’s behalf) based on the way he hung his head and the sweatdrop. I don’t know if he’s in the headspace or the mental place that he could, but I’d like to see him reach out, if ONLY to apologize that he’s idk what??? too broken to let her see his pieces? Too afraid to be that open? That it’s something he is incapable of doing right now? I don’t think it would solve anything lol I just think he owes it to her, you know? And as much as she’s been the one to reach out to him over and over, I think he owes it to her do to the same, to reassure her that even though it’s difficult for him, she’s still important, it’s just something he needs to work on. I just.... given his circumstances idk if he’s up to it, you know? In his mind, isn’t it better to push her away, safer? Isn’t it better to hurt her a little than for something worse to come?

But at the same time, the emphasis on his feelings remains really heavy. Like, LMAO my guy LITERALLY thought of Shinae and her mouth and just flustered so hard even Nana caught on LMAOOOOOOOOO. When Dieter returned, he hid!!! the bandana AND YET he didn’t even say hey what’s up welcome back or anything just immediately asked him if he bumped into her like. LKAJFKJAFJK MY GUY. PLS. PLS BE MORE OBVIOUS HUH? It’s funny because they are both so concerned about her, and Nol at least has the decency to hang his head, to feel bad that he’s hurt her yet again, after everything she’s done. 

Also, again, I just find it so... funny? Maybe in a sardonic way, that Nol is hiding the bandana, acting like he didn’t have a disagreement with Shinae that caused her to leave, but still!!!! Acknowledges it! By asking if he bumped into her!!!! He’s trying to downplay it but in the same breath bringing it up. 

So, I just can’t help but feel like they will meet again within the three days. Considering this is now December 22, that time extends to Christmas, and like... idk lol IT JUST FEELS LIKE SOMETHING, RIGHT? I think it would be utterly depressing to end on this note, before he goes away, right? Especially with everything that transpired this night - does Nol really intend to undo everything, to ghost them? I know I am naively hopeful but.... it just feels like there’s some emphasis there?

Of course, people have pointed out that Shinae is surrounded by exit signs, so maybe she will make that choice, but idk, she seemed so resigned to stick with him, to find another way to get through to him, and with that reoccurring emphasis on his feelings (I AM SORRY, I CANNOT GET OVER HIM PICTURING HER AND BLUSHING OVER HER MOUTH LIKE he literally pushed her away and hurt her again and he’s STILL getting flustered over her, she is STILL making a mess of him and SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT) I wonder if we’ll get to see some kind of.... idk I don’t think they can fully resolve things but just leave on a better note? 

Alsonglthere’sthischeesypartofmethatislikegodwouldweactuallygetacheesychristmaskisswouldtheyreallykissbeforethetimeskipisthatpossible?! LKFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJ LMAOOOO PLS i’m sorry I try to separate the shippy feels and my commentary BUT IT’S  JUST RIGHT THERE, ISN’T IT?! 

What I DO fully expect is a Nana and Shinae run-in, at long last. I feel like seeing Deter and Soushi leaving is so pointed, with Shinae remaining yet, and we’ve seen twice now Nana clocking his feelings. She knows that there’s another friend she hasn’t met, and she can probably tell based on that short exchange that something happened. Look, Nana is a headstrong woman and I think she’s done a great job of respecting Nol’s privacy, but if she goes out and finds Shinae, I won’t be surprised if she digs in a little, you know? I think, or maybe again this is just what I’d like to see, but I like the idea of Nana being aware that Nol is not an easy boy to be friends with. She knows how he walls himself off, how he shoves himself away. She especially knows that every time his birthday rolls around, he locks himself away, and this is the FIRST TIME he’s ever celebrated his birthday. If nothing else, I think Nana would like to say thank you, because it’s so hard to show Nol how much they care, because it’s so difficult to prove to him that their love is genuine. So many times she’s urged him to be with his friends, to spend time with people who care, so I think she would want to know the people who care so much about him as she does. It’s so hard to care about someone who pushes you away at every turn, but those kinds of people are important. 

I also think Nana would just like the kind of person Shinae is - how she’s someone who is so understanding and empathetic, and that even though she’s been hurt over and over, she still tries, she still cares. In the same way she needed a friend so persistent as Nol, he needs that, too, even if in a different way. I just feel like it would be so wonderful for Shinae’s efforts to be acknowledged, because again, it’s just so difficult, but all Nana has wanted is for him to be surrounded by people who care about him ;~; And even though Shinae has made up her mind and decided to stick with him, it would be reassuring to hear it from someone else who loves him and has struggled with being pushed away, who has had to pushback against his efforts to thwart her affection lol. 

Maybe it would be the encouragement Shinae needs, and maybe we’d get to see them make up before he leaves. I can hope, okay! I am nothing if full of pointless hope lmao ;~; I just want Nol to apologize! I don’t hope for too much more, because I understand what kind of place he’s in. But I just hope that the emphasis on his feelings is that realization that while he thinks it would be safer to push her away - does he REALLY want to? Does he really want to lose everything? He doesn’t know that Shinae has made up her mind to continue to get through to him, so the fear must exist at the back of his mind - that what if he pushes and one day she decides she’s had enough? Even if it’s what he thinks he wants, could he live with that? Could he bear to lose that? 

Something this arc has highlighted is just how much comfort Shinae brings to Nol, through how much she cares about him, through the ways she reaches out to him. Every time he tried to grow that distance between them, she reached out and he faltered. “That won’t stop me from caring.” In the end, he always caves. He always angles back to her, always returns to her. In the end, he continues to care, because of how much she has cared about him. 

Shinae showed him what it felt like to be noticed, to be cared about, to have someone reach out to him. Her persistence brought him a sense of peace he didn’t know possible. Before he realized why, he found himself letting his guard down - just a little. And I think he stands at that crossroad: that in his heart he feels like he should push her away and keep that distance, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to, because he wants to indulge in that. It scares him to care about her, because of the danger it puts her in, but I think likewise it scares him to push her away, and lose that. 

In this way, they are one and the same. After everything they went through, after all the ways they struggled together and she leaned on him, she doesn’t want to throw away those experiences. Even knowing that he had lied to her, even after feeling betrayal, even when he hurt her and tried to sever those ties, she still couldn’t bear to throw it away, would regret not trying, would regret letting him win. And I think that must be how he feels, too. How do you get a taste of that - of comfort and solace, of feeling those choppy waters calmed, of what it’s like to be cared about, for someone to make you feel special - and go back to what it was before? Doesn’t it hurt more, to have experienced that and have to turn away? 

It’s been such a short time, but their relationship is so profound. Anyone can see that. Dieter certainly does. I think Minhyuk is all too aware of it, even if he doesn’t understand it. I’m sure Nana is starting to get the sense of it, too. Can he really continue to turn his back, and to throw it all away to protect her? 

GODDDDD I TOLD YOU I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEEEELIIIIIIIIIIINGSSSSSSSSSS and I just feel like the three day extension Means Something. If not, he’d be going right to prison like he’s supposed to. Nana’s arrival, Shinae lingering, the freaking holidays approaching lmao IT MEANS SOMETHING!!!!!!!!

But before we get back to that aaahhhhhhh I’m so excited (and a little nervous) for Hansuke to run the tests he wants! I hope that this is a real friend he can trust, because LOOK his career is LITERALLY ont he line here, and I worry how many people Yui has in her pockets. It’s not just that Hansuke is running tests he was never given practice to do, but this is KOUSUKE HIRAHARA. Whatever they uncover could be HUGE news and if it was leaked back to Yui or they run their mouths..... ugh. I just feel nervous about this one and I’m dying for next week to roll around faster and see if I can put my nerves at ease. Hansuke is a sweet and trusting person, but because he knows how much rides on this, and how important this is to him, I hope that means this is a person who is safe. 

But there’s still the question of what do they do with whatever they find out? I have no doubts Yui is going to box Hansuke out, lest he be a reminder to Kousuke of what transpired that night, and also in effort to further make him reliant on her. And in that effort, I’m sure she’ll try to further play up what she started, paint Hansuke as seeing weakness in Kousuke, that he thinks something is wrong with him and that it doesn’t come from a good place. If Hansuke were to tell him the truth, would Kousuke even be able to see it for what it is, or fall for his mother’s set up and think Hansuke is trying to undermine him? How can they get through to Kousuke when Yui has such a tight hold on him? That’s the issue. 

I guess there’s an angle that if they do discover that Kousuke’s being drugged, is there a way they can expose it? But I can’t come up with any clever ideas, here. Supposing he’s being drugged, how do you cut him off? And even if you do, would he see the difference in himself? I doubt it - the entirety of the Christmas party we watched Kousuke spiral more and more as his paranoia was heightened, and I don’t think it changed that much. But I like to hope that whatever they discover, they CAN use it to help him - or at least start. Because just as with Nol, this isn’t something that can change over night, and Kousuke, too, needs someone at his side who is persistent in their efforts to reach them and get through. Hansuke is the ONLY person who really has Kousuke’s well-being in mind (let’s not pretend that Yujing cares that much; I’m sure she’s still into this for the scoop, for how it will play into her story. She has a journalistic dedication to the truth, after all). 

Every episode is just so FULL, there’s always so much to get into, so many feelings to dissect. I haven’t even touched on the continued insinuation that Rand might have a heart attack (although I do wonder if it was just a simple call back to Rand telling Nol he’s going to give him a heart attack, thus he’s so surprised~ it hasn’t happened). That one just..... ugh stresses me out because as shitty a father as Rand has been, without closure, it would be terrible for him to go, for Nol AND Kousuke. But also, Nol has already lost his mom, there’s already worry that he’ll lose Nana, he can’t lose all his living relatives, that’s just so depressing and dark (though what an interesting parallel to Rand who was an orphan himself and had no family). I just... I can’t fathom that one. I have to hope that if Rand does have a heart attack, it won’t be fatal, because Nol already carries the burden of guilt towards one parent, he can’t bear the weight of another one! 

(I also found the callback of Nana talking about breaking Nol’s legs back to Shinae saying something similar back in the day lol. Again, I can’t help but think they will get along SO well and that Nana will love her. Shinae, like Nana described Nessa, is also a really good and honest woman, with so much love and empathy, so spunky and tenacious. I’m not a huge fan of the “Nol is drawn to Shinae because she reminds him of his mother” theories because yelch especially as we see Nol’s feelings for Shinae developing, but I do like the idea that Shinae is the kind of girl Nana would be fond of, that she has the traits she tried to instill in her own daughter, and into Nol. That her goodness and pluckiness would stand out as something so special. We love strong, tenacious women!!!!!!!) 

Other things people have pointed out is how much orange is pervasive in this episode, but as we know, that’s not really my realm lmao. I just enjoy what others say about color and its use, and try to nod along lol. 

At any rate, this episode absolutely broke my heart in a number of ways, but that sense of hope just remains weirdly persistent, whether it’s just because i am a hopeful person who desperately wants it or because that sense of hope is really there, we’ll have to see next week. I just... idk I can’t help but feel like Nol’s three-day extension will be a benefit to them, that we were all set to think that their one step forward three steps back is how they’d go off. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes, and I feel like this might be one of those cases - expecting them to part on such sad terms and surprise, that might not be? 

AAAHHHHHHHHH WE’LL SEEEEEEE ;A; 

Also, hey, if you want to further rip your heart out: on Patreon, Quimchee posted this song as a song she’s had on repeat while working on this episode and initially I’d thought it might be Stalkyoo-related (the whole let you break my heart again) but in retrospect and after talking to @bittrbuttr it definitely feels like Dieter and ;~; MAN THAT HURTS ;~; SOME DAY YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE HER, DIETER, I PROMISE ;~; YOU’RE A GOOD BEAN AND ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL SEE IT ;~; AAaaaahhhhhhh 

ALSO ONE LAST SILLY THOUGHT: I love how Nana also called him Nolan Oliver T. Lochlain? LIKE? DIDN’T SAY WHAT THE T IS. HE DIDN’T SAY WHAT THE T IS. WHAT IS THE T?! WHY DOES NO ONE SAY IT?! LMAO 

[shenyaanigans]

so i finished all the p3 movies and i am a shell of a human being

[sohighsohaii]

APCA: First this one's on top, and then the other: ITZY(ft. a mystery Guest)

Series Masterlist

(Part 1 of the Itzy Arc: Ryujin, Yeji and Yuna's breaking is begun. Lia and Chaeryoung's breaking begins in the next part. Still not that much smut, I promise it comes soon)

TW! The aforementioned sexual exploitation, pretty much non-con, slight torture, drugging. (DO NOT READ IF NOT COMFORTABLE)

"Send her as soon as you can. She'll be instrumental." You say into the phone, hearing Aegis agree on the other side of the phone.

Hanging up, you looked around the room, ensuring the room was clear, before sighing. This was a part of your life you had hoped not to reignite. Before you joined the force, you had a...troubled past, with problematic habits and compulsions. All that was shed once you donned the uniform, but now, as you shed the uniform, you are also forced to go back to your problematic habits. You knew this was meant for the sake of ending the suffering. That's what you told yourself, you had to insist, because to end this suffering, countless idols had to suffer, and ultimately break. What's worse, it was going to be by your hand. You prayed that this would work, or else the demons you let back out of you would have been freed for naught, and there was no escape.

Hearing a knock on the door, you quickly recomposed yourself. "Come in." You say, a bespectacled man entered the room, his seemingly elegant and posh tone in stark contrast to his bulky build more akin to a wrestler than a noble as his voice would suggest.

"The preparations you've requested are in place."

"Very well, wait for me outside room 4, and enter when I call for you" You command, the man nodding, turning to walk out.

Turning to the table, you look through 4 cameras, your very own dollhouse.

In Camera 1, Shin Yuna sat on a huge bed, you would argue more extravagant then the room in her own dorm. She was clearly confused, looking around the room trying to find any traps, but no, it seemed like a normal bedroom, much more comfortable than the warehouse floor that she had found herself chained down to not too long ago. The only weird thing she had on was a chastity belt, but in her terrified state, she didn't question it. She would rather have it on than be defiled by some asshole. In your few recordings of Aegis' half assed attempted training of her, you knew you needed to play the long game with her.

In Camera 2, Lee Chaeryoung found herself caught in a spider's web, her hands and feet bound to a web of rope behind her, with her eyes impaired by a blindfold, completely naked except for a collar and leash, also a vibrator lightly stimulating her. She needed a more direct approach than Yuna, a perfect whirlwind of shock, terror and protectiveness.

In Cameras 3 and 4, there were two different rooms, though both rooms could see each other. In the first, Choi Lia, held in place by leather bounds, body locked in a kneeling position, hands locked behind her back, causing her tits to jut out. Her mouth was stuffed with a red ball gag, with a large shock collar around her neck, but her eyesight was not impaired, though she almost wished she was. She didn't know what to make of the sight before her.

Hwang Yeji and Shin Ryujin, on a seesaw, but one straight out of a shitty fetish film. Weirdly enough, you did by that from a porn set, well, then modified to suit what you needed it for. On both ends, laid a white silicone dildo, lined up to the honeypots of the two idols in distress, looking at each other in confusion and fear. These two were the ones you anticipated taking the longest, with the most fight. So you had to go the route of protectiveness but also, distrust. It was probably going to help break Lia too. The two idols were bound tightly, strapped securely to the seesaw.

from Putting on a face of a sadistic "master", you walked into the room, the two idols eyes immediately darting to you. You felt a wave of pity rush over you, a shameful rush of excitement too, but you had to push it down. Means to an end, you insisted "What the fuck do you want, bastard." Ryujin immediately spat out, causing you to shake your head animatedly. Pulling a remote out of your pocket, you flourished it in front of the two idols. Pressing a button, you could hear the muffled scream of Lia from behind you as the two idols screamed in fear. After an initial shock, Lia's body relaxed, though her body heaved from the pain, struggling to catch her breath. "What the fuck did you do to her you asshole!" Yeji shouted, as you sighed. Good lord. Another scream emerged from behind you, and you could see tear well up in Yeji's eyes, and fear flicker across Ryujin's face. "Now now girls, no need for name calling. We're here to play a game, and what is a game without some rules. Show some decorum, will you ladies?" You ask almost tauntingly. Realizing what you meant, the two of them held their tongue. They didn't want risk antagonizing you any further. "So, b-. you, what game are we playing?" Yeji asked, her voice almost a sneer. A little close, but you didn't want to hurt Lia too much, so you chose to ignore it. "We're playing a little game called, well, SeeSaw. I'm sure you've noticed the dildos underneath you. In a moment, once the game starts, it'll begin to vibrate, and rest assured my ladies, it'll only grow stronger as it goes." You explain. "That's not a game." Ryujin spat back. "How rude, interrupting me. I wasn't done. So, the game, Miss Shin, Miss Hwang, is a battle of trust, sacrifice, and endurance. Over the next 2 hours, you'll be competing over who orgasms the least. The winner is rewarded, and the loser will be swapped into the hot seat. As you can see, currently, Miss Choi is in the hot seat. Not only does your orgasms determine who wins, it also determines how well Miss Choi will enjoy the game. Whenever one of you orgasms, a shock will be delivered to Miss Choi. It's non fatal, that much I assure you, but I promise you it hurts more than a little." Behind you, you hear a muffled whimper, seeing Lia begin to cry. "So for Miss Choi's sake, I hope you two ladies are well trained. Now for the games element. You'll find in your hands, a remote. The top button sends your side of the seesaw up, and the bottom button sends your side of the seesaw down. Me personally, considering how close you girls are, I'm sure you girls will only be using the bottom button to save the other. However, if at any moment should you choose to grow competitive, the top button is always available for you to relieve yourself of the dildo. Don't fight each other though, sitting on it is probably better than constantly getting impaled by it." You run a hand down Yeji and Ryujin's thighs, lightly patting their pussies as they both lightly growled. "And if it serves as any motivation, this is the reward." You pulled a tablet out, showing them a live feed of Yuna's room. Yuna had made herself comfortable, body clad in a purple silk negligee, lying on the bed watching TV. "Winning has it's benefits." You remind the girls, as you moved to the two girls, shoving a ball gag into their mouths, covering their eyes with a blindfold. "The game begins in a minute. Godspeed ladies." You say Before you left the room, you decided to have some fun, walking up to Ryujin, leaning down as you ran a tongue across her puffy slit, and you could tell she was trying her best not to moan. That defiant look on her face. You had seen it many times before. And you've seen them all break before. Moving to Yeji, you did the same, though Yeji reacted much differently, your tongue illiciting a moan from the leader. You smirk, feeling your emotions overrun you as you lean in, nibbling on her nipples as you felt her contort. That was enough though. The game must begin, and the show must go on

You left the room, seeing the man from earlier. Fishing a controller out from your pocket, you hand it to him. "Let them control it first, maybe around 10 minutes, then, take control, just go crazy with it, make it akin to a seesaw. Up and down and up and down. Understood?" You say as you noticed a gleeful smile crack across his face. "How devious, sir. I understand. About Miss Choi?" He asked. Looking down to the control, you hesitated. "Go easy on her, I don't want her too tired to be broken." You give a quick excuse, which the man bought. You'd join them again in around an hour, but for now, you had to begin with Yuna and Chaeryoung. First, Yuna.

Going to Room 1, you picked up the tray of food left by the man earlier, then knocking on the door.

From behind the door, you heard Yuna hesitantly reply, "Come in."

Opening the door, you saw Yuna curl up under the blanket, not wanting to expose herself to this stranger. "Why am I here, where are my girls?" Yuna asked, slightly defiantly. This trick required some acting, well, it was close enough to the actual truth. "Please, let me explain, Miss Shin. I'm a business partner of the man who...did this to you. He knew I'm a big fan of you girls, and he offered for me to come and, well, sample you girls." Hearing that, Yuna instinctively pulled the blanket higher, inching away from you. "No, Miss Shin, I'm not here to do that, I assure you. I'm not involved in any of this, and suffice to say I was more than shocked to hear what was being done to you girls. I'm working on freeing you girls, but...it's complicated, the man is stubborn. For now, this is all I can give you girls. Comfortable housing, and no one touches you girls until this deal is finally done and I can set you girls free." You say, and you saw Yuna's doe eyes widen, and you could tell what she was thinking. Though a thousand questions swirled in her head, you knew the imperative question was, can I trust this man? "Are you telling the truth?" Yuna asked, and there, she was on the hook. "I promise you Miss Shin. I'l-" You began to say, but she quickly cut you off. "Yuna. You can call me Yuna." She said, with a hesitant but small smile. You felt your heart suddenly flutter, what was this? You couldn't afford to get softhearted in this mission. "Okay, Yuna, I promise you. I'll do what I can, as soon as I can. For now, all I can do is bring you your meals once in a while, maybe accompany you a little to help you pass the time. Well, other than the K Dramas. That was a weirdly hard sell to the man on top." You say, acting sheepish as Yuna let out a soft giggle, seemingly finding a small reprieve from this horror. Turning around, you took the tray you had brought in, opening it to reveal a pizza. Yuna hungrily grabbed at the Pizza, it must have been so long since she had last eaten proper food. "This is delicious" Yuna barely mumbled out, her words muffled by the pizza. You were glad you could bring happiness to her, but you were also secretly happy at your scheme going well. Unbeknownst to Yuna, the Pizza contained trace amounts of aphrodisiac. A small dose for the first day, but it'll slowly increase, driving her insane. As you sat with her, you allowed your fanboy side to come out, allowing Yuna to take her mind off her current situation. After around 30 minutes, Yuna had finished the pizza, and you received a message. She was on her way, you had to wrap it up. "I'm sorry Yuna, I have to go now. I told them to make sure they serve you and your groupmates good food, so eat up alright?" You shoot her a reassuring smile, and she hesitantly smiles back, before leaning toward you, leaving a kiss on your cheek. "I'll see you soon." She whispered.

Going back to your office, you saw a giant metal frame on wheels, the woman bound to it similar to how Chaeryoung was. Smiling in satisfaction, you took a moment, giving into desire as you leaned down, toying with the woman, a sudden burst of impulsiveness leading you to kneel down, shoving two fingers up her moist snatch as you roughly fingered her pussy, causing her body to thrash against the frame. Your fingers toyed with her till she finally came, squirting all over the floor. Coming back to your senses, you try to shake it off, slight shame overrunning you. You didn't want to take any pleasure from this.

Going into room 2, you saw Chaeryoung lightly panting, a light coat of sweat over her skin as she tried to stifle her arousal from the vibrator.

Setting up the woman you had brought in, you placed her right opposite to Chaeryoung, then moving to Chaeryoung, ripping her blindfold off.

As Chaeryoung's vision steadied, she could vaguely make out a figure who she assumed to be Ryujin, or Yuna maybe, but as her vision cleared, she almost screamed in terror.

Across from Chaeryoung, hung in a similar fashion, and in the same exact fashion, was her sister, Lee Chaeyeon.

[artbyblastweave]

In regards to Worm, have thee thoughts on Aegis? In general but also more specifically do you think there is a good way to describe the ultra stacked redundancies but specifically not on the fly adaptations?

If I squint I can sort of see why Wildbow picked him as a potential protagonist successor, in that as far as I can recall his described WOG trigger is basically just a completely physical version of the same kind of bullying she was on the receiving end of. Would have been interesting to see a version of the book where he was around concurrently with the Slaughterhouse and with Bonesaw more specifically. As far as the naming convention thing goes.... I don't think there's necessarily a good way to collapse the more involved description of his biofuckery into a punchy descriptive phrase in the vein of "Tactile Telekinesis." Sometimes you just need a paragraph containing a metaphor in order to accurately convey what a superpower does, and it often does bug me when people try to come up with wikia-style titles for extremely niche powers. Worm itself pokes fun at this impulse in arc 8 when it has a PRT grunt refer to Skitter's power as "arthropodokinesis-" motherfucker, that term did not exist before your boss decided that you needed a more-official-sounding way to say that she can control bugs. You are conveying negative information compared to just saying she can control bugs. And you aren't gonna run into enough guys who can do "arthropodokinesis" that you'll need a general term for it. All you're really conveying- or attempting to convey- is the impression that there's a term for this, that the institution knows what it's looking at, and implicitly that they have a playbook for it (they don't.) Great beat.

[lakesbian]

okay so first thing i like about interlude 3. in the part of the arc prior to it, we see taylor being severely mistreated by an adult PRT member--which pushes her to rob the bank with Great Gusto, wherein she contributes to beating up a lot of largely faceless wards. the sole exception to the lack of characterization the kid cops heroes receive in the pre-interlude chapters is glory girl, who spends a decent portion of the bank robbery trying to lord herodom's perceived wealth and prestige over the undersiders:

“I helped Aegis out of a jam on my way in, so he’s keeping your little friends busy. You should also know that the Protectorate is on their way from a wine and dine with Brockton Bay’s finest at the Augustus Country Club. Can’t speak for them, but I know I’d be royally pissed if some little snots dragged me away from a chance to have the club’s chocolate mousse.”

& tattletale simultaneously reaffirms & puts down this image she wants to present by mockingly calling her "prom queen" &c. and then in interlude 3, when we finally see the personalities behind the masks for the wards, miss militia comes in and says it outright:

“She was kind enough to volunteer to come here and patch you guys up,” Miss Militia told the young heroes, “Can’t send you home with horrible injuries and hundreds of bug bites, can we? That would give away the show.”

the prestige, the purported invincibility and success of being a young hero--it's all a show covering for the fact that they're fundamentally overworked, systematically manipulated child soldiers, being regularly thrown into life-threatening situations & used as weapons to beat down on other systematically abused children (like the undersiders). which goes So well with how a critical turning point in the prior chapter is victoria presenting herself as invincible, only to be deeply wounded by tattletale correctly observing that she isn't.

and letting people see past the facade is something the PRT/herodom at large considers to be worth a chewing out--piggot is mad that glory girl was called because she caused property damage, and property damage is bad for PR. she's less concerned with aegis standing there with a punctured lung than she is the bad PR of kid win not filling out paperwork properly before using a new weapon. and yes, obviously, aegis can't die from a punctured lung or having his retina detached or his ribs snapped--but the image of a teenage boy standing there half torn to shreds while the director reams them all for not being the perfect child soldiers is viscerally grim. miss militia doesn't say "we can't send you home with horrible injuries because that would suck and be unhealthy for you," she says "we can't send you home with horrible injuries because that would give away the show." bleak!

[mutantmayhems]

Raph-Centric Fic Recs Pt. 1

pt 2 is here please feel free to reblog this with your own recs!!!

2003:

Curiosity Killed The Cat (But Raphael Brought It Back) by halogalopaghost. raph keeps sneaking out and the brothers are gonna find out why. amazing reveal at the end!

Lemon Boy by theNewHit. brains + brawn bonding!

Near-Sighted by halogalopaghost. this furthers my Raph Needs Glasses agenda. so cute and sweet!

You’re Not Delivering a Perfect Body to the Grave by CricketFerguson. raph whump from donnie’s pov. so good!

2012:

Aegis by clairakitty. a character study of raph's protective nature. literally destroyed me.

brother in the river by JumpingInMuddyPuddles. farmhouse arc, raph pov of helping leo heal.

Let Me Save You by GwydionAE. what if the battle with the kraang went differently? sunset duo angst.

on my own by feduphufflepuff. amaaazing raph kidnapping angst + recovery!

Problem Child by LilliputianDuckling. a character study with complicated feelings about splinter's parenting. it ruined my life. i'm obsessed.

Puppet Tightly Strung by clairakitty. the brain worm, but so much worse. guys i can't put my love for this one into words. JUST READ IT.

Sai, Sigh by nemsolele. the brain worm does some permanent damage. amazing writing!

Solo by GwydionAE. i've always felt like we never got enough of drummer raph, and this fic explores that so well!

The Truth According to Raphael by GwydionAE. raph + truth serum! he doesn't handle it well.

traveling so far to get there by taizi. the sunset duo in a post-apocalyptic world. literally life-changing. 

ROTTMNT:

as though (they) were mine by ApatheticRobots. raph + eldest daughter syndrome. delicious.

haustorium by gumyshark. raph's pov when he was krang-ified. hurts my heart.

breaking free from the bindweed by gumyshark. a sort-of sequel to haustorium.

Glass Heart by kindlystrawberry. raph’s post-movie healing.

Stained Hands, Aching Hearts by HellsTrojanHorse. raph deals with a nightmare.

you got the goods by taizi. raph's relationship with his spikes. super cute!

Mutant Mayhem:

Reciprocity by ThePeak. everyone thinks leo is dead, but raph knows the truth—his brother's just missing. i can't even describe HOW INCREDIBLE this fic is. AMAZING!!!

What Was I Made For? (series) by OliviaJen. a character study that's sooooo painful but so good. absolutely incredible.

if you've got any recs to share, please reblog this and add them!

[rwby-encrusted-blog]

Yang: Oh Hey! You must be one of Pyrrha's Cousins!

Pyra: N- No? I am Pyra?

Yang: I was Talking about Pyrrha Nikos. It is nice to meet you though!

Pyra: Oh. That Makes sense, But no. I am not related to Miss Nikos.

~~~~~

Ruby: You are so Cool! What's your weapon? Is it also a gun? You look like Jaune, are you an Arc?

Mythra: Thank you, Technically I am my weapon, Yes, kind of, and NO I am not an Arc.

Ruby: What do you mean by "You are your weapon?"

Mythra: This *Floats Aegis in front of her* Is the Aegis. Me and my other half reside in it. It's ... Complicated. I suppose, all it can be very confusing.

Ruby: Actually that makes a lot of sense - I mean Crescent Rose and Form into a person as- Nope! No! I am thinking of the wrong AU! Sorry, ignore that!

Mythra: Uh- I-

Mythra: Okay? Well. Cool.

Ruby: Well, why are you here then?

Mythra: Oh my Cousin-

~~~~~

Penny: Rex? Do you know where Pyra and Mythra Are? I have been wishing to visit with them for some time!

Rex: Well, they've gotta be around here somewhere.

Penny: *pouting* Hm.

Rex: Well I can't quite keep them on a Leash Penny!

[cairavende]

Worm Arc 3 second half thoughts (bank robbery):

Holy shit child! You covered a bunch of innocent civilians in venomous spiders and basically told them you would fucking kill them if they did anything. How exactly are you planning on becoming a well loved hero after this?

But as far as plans go? Really not that bad. Most of the downsides I see are only if we assume you want to be a hero later. Drop that and it's a pretty good plan.

Also maybe the whole "tell a hero that something is going to happen" bit wasn't the best idea. Do we know for sure if getting the full response of the Wards because of that? No. But it sure seems like it might be related. Taylor and not thinking things through is definitely a combo I am expecting to see more.

The Undersiders absolutely fucked the Wards shit up. Just completely. Suddenly they have bug girl (or I guess I should call her Skitter now) who gives them a little bit of leadership and they just destroy the Wards. God damn. Fucking Aegis is just the worlds biggest chew toy. I love it so much.

And on the note of fucking people up, HOLY SHIT CHILD ROUND 2. WTF did you do to Clockblocker OMG. This kid is going to have nightmares for the rest of his life. You could become a hero and save the world 10 times over and he's still never going to feel comfortable being in the same room as you. God damn. Absolutely brutal. That was amazing and I want to get you some ice cream to celebrate. Embrace your inner villain.

The ways Panacea can use her powers are bonkers. She is super cool. Also from what she said in the interlude I think she really could use some therapy. Or maybe she just needs to join a villain team for a little bit to blow of some steam. Healing people is great but you don't owe the world your entire self Amy. Relax, take a break, have some fun.

Tattletale's power set is probably my absolute favorite though. I also love the shit out of her personality. She is the most fucking amazing character I can not wait to see more.

These thought posts are getting longer each time I do them. I told myself I was gonna just do one post an arc and that they might just be a few sentences each. That didn't last very long.

[fuubee]

Aigis Was Always Human: P3 Analysis

Major P3 Spoilers Ahead!

Aigis may not have the original “robot developing human feelings” storyline, but hers is my favorite. There are aspects of her character that develop her so naturally as human, not just when P3’s story calls for it.

The first hint: her Persona even existing. Palladion is a statue meant to guard a Greek city as the imitation of Athena. Also, the ‘aegis’ is a shield carried by Athena. Carl Jung’s psychology is important to the game, and to have a Persona, you need an ego; a self-concept. Ikutsuki stated that Aigis is a weapon designed to fight Shadows, but her Persona is a protector. Therefore, she had developed a self-concept of being a protector from the beginning. 

However, Palladion is presented as an artificial Persona because Aigis views protection as the role she is programmed to fulfill. Protecting Makoto is her mission because he carries the Shadow threat inside him. Ikutsuki was surprised that she even had this long-term goal, hinting that Aigis is more complex than assumed.

Throughout the game, Aigis’ narrow commitment to her role is the barrier between her connecting with others. The text prompts the player to wait until Aigis is more human-like to form a bond—indicating that Makoto sees her potential. Still, we can’t say that she doesn’t try to relate to S.E.E.S., as we can see her open up with her strange humor and her interest in humanity. She’s just imitating, but she’s learning, too. 

I loved that P3R added scenes where we read and garden with Aigis. She shows childlike empathy for plants and animals and even insects, and she talks about things involving her ego. Reading the yakuza series makes her want to imitate that coolness (“that ass better not crack under pressure!”) because she wants to be seen as strong and intimidating. She’s even dejected that she looks too ‘cute’ or like a ‘normal high school girl.’  

A robot just following orders would not want to create instead of destroy, or become insecure about how she’s perceived. She could defend it as practical, like, “growing vegetables assists the team, and being cool makes me strong against Shadows.” But hold on—Makoto could garden alone, and whether you project confidence or not is about your ego, not your efficiency, Aigis!

These small moments culminate in her major arc of defying her programming, changing how she speaks, and evolving Palladion into the real Athena. The goddess Athena is not just in the role of a protector. She is also wise, brave, and innovative. Aigis can see these traits in herself and admit that protecting Makoto, and S.E.E.S, is about caring for them.  

Her social link poignantly tackles loneliness and grief. Aigis does everything she can to reunite the old woman with her cat, despairing that she cannot. The cat is dead, and the old woman will die too, with no one to keep her company. Aigis’ strong empathy for both animals and humans is shown, and so is her grappling with fear. 

Now that she had seen Shinjiro and Kirijo die, grief must be in the back of her mind. She’s paranoid that, now that she’s attached to S.E.E.S., she will lose them. This poor girl has only recently conceptualized death, and she experiences all the joys and sorrows of being human. Worse, we bond with her in January, so Makoto doesn’t have much time left. 

I decided to romance her, and she talks about the sensitivity of her Papillon Heart. ‘Butterfly,’ in French, and symbolizing transformation, the Papillon Heart always foreshadowed the humanity inside her. She wants to be attached, even if it means being hurt. The game itself rejects apathy as the loss of humanity, as does Aigis reject being unfeeling.

[victoriadallonfan]

So we’ve all talked about Victoria taking on the name Antares and what that symbolizes. The heart of the scorpion, a binary star system, Anti-Ares, Against War etc etc

But, as I was doing a write up about the symbolism of Gods and Greek Myth in Ward, something about Athena caught my eye:

> Athena's epithet Pallas – her most renowned one – is derived either from πάλλω, meaning "to brandish [as a weapon]", or, more likely, from παλλακίς and related words, meaning "youth, young woman".

And of course, it made me immediately think of Victoria’s mom, Brandish. An armored warrior woman who leads a team with her glowing weapons.

And funny enough, there are a lot of references to Athena killing Pallas (who is sometimes written as a separate person), on accident or on purpose:

> In one version of the myth, Pallas was the daughter of the sea-god Triton, and she and Athena were childhood friends. Zeus one day watched Athena and Pallas have a friendly sparring match. Not wanting his daughter to lose, Zeus flapped his aegis to distract Pallas, whom Athena accidentally impaled. Distraught over what she had done, Athena took the name Pallas for herself as a sign of her grief and tribute to her friend and Zeus gave her the aegis as an apology. In another version of the story, Pallas was a Giant; Athena slew him during the Gigantomachy and flayed off his skin to make her cloak, which she wore as a victory trophy. In an alternative variation of the same myth, Pallas was instead Athena's father, who attempted to assault his own daughter, causing Athena to kill him and take his skin as a trophy.

Which sounds eerily similar to the Fragile One (Victoria’s Aegis) crushing Brandish while she was distracted, and her arcs of grieving for her.

The other stories can be stretched to involve Victoria’s battle against Ophion (Pallas the Giant) and the other (Pallas the father) could be stretched a loooot more to be about Amy and how Victoria uses the “wretch” as a defense and later trophy of her own success.

Anyways, that was a fun little thought exercise I had.

[trans-queen-administrator]

My sister is reading Worm because I was annoying enough about it and she just hit arc 8. This is the most important day of my life. She said "I'd really like to learn more about Aegis" and then 20 seconds later just yelled "NO!!"

[trashlie]

FP 215 and 216 + some shippy commentary

Whew boy! It has, yet again, been a while since my last one, and I’ve had SO MANY thoughts rattling around my brain, but I’m so bad at juggling my multiple hobbies. I’ve recently gotten back into learning watercolor painting and having so much fun with it, but there’s such a limited number of hours in a day and I lose hours while I’m painting, aaaaaaahhhh! 

Anyway, I really want to try to gather some thoughts before this week’s ILY update, because my GOD I have LOVED where we’ve been with the story. I know as readers we collectively have looked forward to this never-ending night lol but I feel like there’s so many things I was personally waiting for that are finally coming to fruition and my GOSH it feels so rewarding and so exciting! 

Now, you guys know that I have been chomping at the bit re: Kousuke, but I’m going to save him for a separate post. I’ve been yelling about him a LOT lately and I want to take a break, hehe, and dig into some other aspects, so we’ll be covering FP eps 215 and 216 in this post, but I swear I’m going to try to get my Kousuke thoughts out this week before the next episode drops ;_____; I have... so many thoughts about him and especially Kousuke + Nol as family and enemies aaahhhhhh. But for that - LATER! 

I mean, okay, I guess I do have to touch a little on Kousuke lol and how we got here, since I never really dropped my thoughts about the episodes leading up to this hhhh I’m really behind! Kousuke being his own worst enemy all these years and thus bringing about his own downfall (of sorts) is just sooo poetic. And don’t get me wrong - I have a lot of deep feelings about this because, as we know, while Kousuke has been on a shitty path, there are reasons he ended up there, and the dramatic tragedy of him fighting something that never really existed feels like such a sucker punch. He has spent so long making an enemy of someone who only wanted alliance, and in his quest for Rand’s affection - for his father’s LOVE - he has brought the utmost of disappointment to him. I think it’s worth acknowledging that this was not Kousuke’s intention. He had no intention of punching Nol and fell to his knees when Nol pushed him and jeered so there’s only so much of this I’m willing to pin on him, because I doubt he expected his punch to land so much damage, you know? Nol goaded him and he got more than he bargained for. It’s not so very black and white. 

But regardless of intention, we arrive at a hospital - mercifully not Hirahara Memorial - with Nol in a really, really bad shape, and to no surprise, it is Shinae (and Lil Buddy!) waiting on him to wake. 

I love everything about this for so many reasons! It’s very much a sort of parallel to the night Shinae was in the hospital, with Nol sitting outside the door, except now we so much more friendship between them since then, and shinae doesn’t sit outside his door but is dozing off on the side of his bed. When you think about everything that has happened since that scene, it feels surreal! Nol and Shinae both have been through so much beginning with that harrowing night of the gala. and though Nol has tried to run away, all of it has only brought them closer, whether or not he’s able to admit it. 

And this is actually something that I love so much about these episodes! In the episodes leading to this, at Minhyuk’s party, Nol was so cagey and edgy, all sharp edges and dangerous shadows, as if he was daring her, as if he was trying to see how far he could push. It’s not that he dropped away the Yeonggi mask entirely and revealed who he really is as much as he adopted his Nol persona and pushed it forth. After all, Yeonggi is just as much a part of who he really is, as much as his sharp edges he tried to soften by pushing Yeonggi forward. That’s what we get to see in this episode: he is as much the boy who initially approached Shinae as he is the man who’s tried to push her away, whether or not he’s willing to accept it. Even after confirming their mutual care and respect for each other, Nol (inebriated at that) pointedly shared his darkest, hidden side - and it didn’t scare Shinae off. 

Certainly Shinae was exposed to the most private side of Nol - the darkness and sharp edges he uses to push back against the world, the part of him that he was so desperate to hide - but in these episodes, we see the most authentic aspect of him. Where all the alcohol he drank earlier in the night brought out what some might consider the “worst” of him, I think the morphine drip brings out a more authentic take on Nol. No inhibitions, but no edges, no sharp bites, and just enough honestly that he may regret it later. 

And I love it! I loved seeing how Shinae dealt with such a dark, edgy version of the friend she was so desperate to catch, but I REALLY love getting to see Nol and Shinae return to their roots in these episodes, in terms of their rhythm, their beats, their chemistry. I think they play off each other in such a surprisingly natural way - Nol certainly has been taken by surprise by it before, but I don’t think Shinae is as aware of it. The way she responds to his prank (which is, admittedly, such a dark, cruel prank lol) and turns her own despair around to prank him back was just beautiful, absolute art lol. He’s always had the upperhand, but since climbing up to join her on the rooftop, they stand toe to toe on equal footing. 

But honestly, it’s so nice? To see Nol laugh again? Even if it came to him via a mean prank, even if it’s because he’s so at ease on morphine. Isn’t that so weirdly twisted - this is what it’s taken to bring him a well-deserved moment of peace, for the waters to become placid, even if temporarily. He came so close to dying! And only then has he found his peace. (Very similar to the pool fall at the black and white formal, where he denied himself a different sense of peace.) 

I love their rhythm! How they go back and forth so easily (with Lil Buddy’s assistance heh,.. Nol can’t catch a break!) and they just feel so NATURAL. It’s almost hard to believe that just a few months ago, Shinae wanted nothing to do with him, and now she has been exposed to the most raw and vulnerable parts of who he is, has become acquainted with him in a way that no one else yet has. 

I love it, I love them! There’s a sense of intimacy woven into the episodes, with Nol allowing himself what he’s never before, resting on her should. He is metaphorically as much as literally allowing himself to lean on her, finally, after all the struggles he’s endured alone. After everything he has faced alone, he is allowing himself to share a moment with someone, even if he can’t admit it fully out loud. Would he have done the same if not for the morphine? I guess it’s pretty much a moot question, because we only get to have this moment because of how much he’s endured, finally hitting that limit. He nearly DIED - and he would have, had Kousuke not gone out after him. How far would he have gotten before he collapsed and bled out in the snow, perhaps Rand wouldn’t have even seen him. It’s scary just how close he came to no longer existing. 

So I suppose there may not be a scenario where Nol would allow himself to lean on a friend. He doesn’t say it, but I expect it’s at the back of his mind - his fear. Is he relieved? Would he rather have been left there in the snow? I suspect as much as he’s been suicidal in the past, that’s not how he wanted to go. Idk, I have a lot of quiet thoughts about this - about how painful recovery will be and would he rather have let his flame go out like that? Or does Shinae’s presence make him rethink those ideations? Is the presence of someone who cares - who has seen his darkness and still cared about him, who has been hurt by him and still cares about him - enough to make him feel relieved that he is still here? He’s so weary, so exhausted, and look at what extremes he went through before he allowed himself any reprieve.

In a really weird way, this reminds me of the phone call in episode 73 while Shinae is in the hospital with her dad and Rika, which is funny, because Nol spends that whole phone call deflecting and lying about his condition. But it still carried that sense of tender intimacy - the two people alone while the world around them is at rest, just a stolen moment of comfort in their sea of storms (although during the phone call the solace is definitely more so for Shinae’s benefit than his own). Here we have a similar scenario - two people alone while the world around them is asleep, the snow blanketing the city around them, no one aware of this moment transpiring, except this time Nol allows himself to benefit from the solace and the comfort. How many times has he reached out only to deny himself whatever it is he seeks? How many times has he made himself prop himself up, unable to allow himself to take comfort (denying that he deserves comfort)? 

“I thought you didn’t like the silence?” “I don’t.. but I like THIS silence.” 

Perhaps it’s just the morphine, but there’s something about that exchange that just GETS to me - that silence is otherwise so constricting, so claustrophobic, so unbearable, except this one. This one is special. This one is nice. This one is comforting. Again, that layer of tragedy underlines it - that this wouldn’t be happening had he not nearly died. That he’s in so much pain but it is, for now, masked by something that can take it away. Isn’t that what he’s wanted? Something that softens the blow, that little moment to catch his breath? 

And GOD the way Shinae reacts! So many times this evening she’s found herself flustered, found herself feeling something unusual in response to him - whether it’s his honesty or his dark edges or this - whatever this may be. Nestling her face against his shoulder as she relays the way they found him, the way they barely managed to get him in in time (losing blood so fast there was truly NO minute to spare!) and how he seems to take comfort in knowing it’s not the family’s hospital when he turns his head and buries it against her. I love it, I love them! I keep saying that but aaahhhhh I always love their intimate moments, these little moments stolen in the stillness of the night, when no one else is around to mind them. A song shared during her lunch break, a phone call in the night, a passing moment when she puts his earbud back in his ear, a moment of banter before work. And just like every time, no matter how Nol tries to resist her, to turn away, to place a barrier between her, it always fails. He’s SO drawn to her, whether it’s because she’s the only person who shows him concern, the only person who notices him, who pays attention to him - or something more - he has only once been able to push her away. 

I also really love how quimchee plays with the rhythm here -  the comedy feels so organic, spliced between little moments of tenderness that is reminiscent of the earlier episodes’ comedy. It’s so light and playful in those ways - everything has been so heavy as everyone has struggled through their own plights, but Nol’s sneezing, Shinae sneaking in Lil Buddy, her impression of Rand and his laughter, it’s all so playful and light, such a delightful contrast to the moments preceding ad following. Again, they just have this way of being with each other that is so comfortable and wonderful to read. To be fair, I think Shinae has wonderful chemistry with a lot of characters - she’s always fun to read with Soushi, Minhyuk, and even sometimes Kousuke - but what’s really good about this is how Nol falls in line with her, the ways they play off each other. Everything about their collective panic over the machine beeping is so comical and feels so much like Yeonggi and Shinae! It just feels... idk, authentic. This is him, no fronts, no masks, nothing played up, just a lack of inhibitions and their shared rhythm. 

I usually try to read these scenes without a romantic lens - is this just friendship? Is this platonic? We know they’re soulmates but where do they fall on each other’s radar? Is it just that this feels like such a secretive thing? How do they affect each other? But I cannot deny how SHIPABLE these moments feel - how Shinae has spent this whole evening so affected by him! It’s so hard to read Nol, because he hides things so well. Does he, too, feel affected by the intimacy of their stolen moments? I’ve always felt he’s so caught up in what he’s running from and what he’s hiding from that he probably has never allowed himself to be honest about his feelings. Numerous times we’ve seen surprise on his face when Shinae shows him concern but is it just surprise that she sees through him or is he ever delighted (or scared) by her ability to do that? It’s so hard to tell! I’ve been of the mind lately that she’s the one feeling something - or at least showing it, but I wish I could get a better read on him. I feel like Nol allowing himself that moment on her shoulder is something, maybe? It feels a little reminiscent of their hug in 151 - one of the only times he was able to create the distance between them, and also one of the only times he allowed himself that moment - but the emotions of it are incredibly different. 

This is where I’ll allow myself to get into the shippier thoughts, though. Like I said, it’s just so difficult to get a read on Nol - I feel like on some level we’ve barely scratched the surface of him, even though I also think we’ve seen some of his most raw angles. But as far as shipping stuff goes, there’s still so many questions. The way he talked about Alyssa never really indicated that there were ever feelings as much as him trying - and failing - to keep her out of Yui’s reach. I still wonder what their friendship was like. Is he just blinded by futility? He can only look back on it this way, because all of the good times - when they were friends - have been overshadowed by her need for Yui’s approval? I bring this up because it’s the only real comparison we have as an indicator of Nol’s feelings. He never even mentioned Alyssa when he was in the alley with Lil Buddy - and I guess there could be a couple reasons why. After all, he was speaking of the friends he was leaving behind, the ones who he didn’t want to let go of, and Alyssa wasn’t part of that group. But it could just as easily be that he thinks it’s a lost cause - Alyssa has chosen her path and there’s no point in trying to fight her. 

At any rate, we’ve always been shown the different ways that Nol and Shinae interact and behave, especially contrasted to Alyssa. I wonder how much of Nol she’s met - does she only know happy-go-lucky Yeonggi who has never put his own needs ahead of anyone else’s? That’s what I assume, based on the way she talks about him and how “easy” their relationship was - that he is someone who never made a fuss and had no issue with her doing whatever she wanted without him. But again, I think it’s safe to assume that Nol is the most himself we’ve seen with Shinae, which makes sense given that he struggles so much to draw that distance between them. She just brings something out of him, and it certainly has a lot to do with the fact that she pays attention to him, she notices the little things he got used to people not noticing, she showed him the kind of friendship he was denying himself. 

And, damnit, I can’t help but ship them, when they have these moments. This is why I find myself shipping them, rather than enjoying the possibility of platonic soulmates - because how do you develop this bond, this kind of relationship, and then move in different directions? How do you share this kind of tender intimacy without it feeling like something Else? I am a big fan of intimacy =/= romance and there are ways it could have played out between them, but I also think that so much of their intimacy has been these little pockets of calm shared together in the shadows that have changed who they are as people. And just like intimacy does not necessarily always equate to romance, attraction doesn’t always indicate romance, either. We’ve seen that Shinae is definitely attracted to Dieter, but I think the way she’s drawn to Nol is different. That intimacy is there - Shinae has been able to share things with Dieter that she couldn’t easily share with others at first - but idk, it just feels DIFFERENT in a way that’s so difficult to articulate. 

Because of their shared and similar experiences, Nol and Shinae have this rather innate understanding of each other. Shinae is both understanding of why Nol is the way he is, but also pushes him and doesn’t allow him to make those excuses - look at the way she verbally assaulted him when he feigned forgetting his memory lol. I think it would be difficult (although not impossible) for anyone else to feel that with him. In fact, in general, it makes me wonder who Nol will be in the future - will he ever be able to forge other, genuine relationships outside Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi? 

Shinae has made it abundantly clear how important Nol is to her, both to him and to others. Is she as important to Nol? Does it scare him that someone now knows so many of the things he’s hid and tried to mask, or does he find comfort in it? 

The thing about romance is that there’s not an easy before and after - it’s the kind of thing that happens over time, little by little, sometimes moments more noticeable than others. The night of the black and white formal, Nol spent so much of his time and energy looking out for Shinae, taking care of her, trying to keep her safe, and since that night she has returned the favor, doing just as he did - reaching out and opening herself up and making a point to be there for him. What is that to him? Is it friendship? Is it something that blurs the line? I don’t expect them to figure it out any time soon, if there’s something, if it means anything, but in the same way I just wonder how he sees it. Like I said, I think it’s more evident with Shinae - she’s had the signs more frequently, but what about Nol? 

I genuinely just love watching them play out and develop, the way their experiences bump into each other and their lives merge. Whatever path Nol is on, I hope he’s realize that Shinae is a part of it, too, in whatever form he wants her to be. I hope he realizes that there is someone who has his back completely, who can accept him at even his darkest, his lowest, his absolute worst, and will continue not only to just root for him, but assist him. It’s one thing to cheer someone on, it’s another to assist with the heavy lifting. That’s what it is about them that just GETS to me; they have found in each other something they denied themselves. Shinae built her walls tall, so afraid of being hurt again, and lied to herself about not craving that companionship. Nol forged fake friendships because he didn’t think he deserved real ones. In each other they have found someone who unconditionally accepts who they are, who pushes them to be better, who has their backs. It’s hard not to ship that! 

All I ever hoped of this night was that Nol would go back to his friends, that they’d find a way to make up - or begin to make up - and now look what we’ve got! And we’re left with Shinae discovering that this whole arduous terrible night was his birthday! RIGHT after he pointedly evade it, too. There’s been so many opportunities for him to tell her - she invited him to the very party! lol like!!!! To discover his birthdate as he pointedly avoided answering to the nurse - is she going to call him out on it? I think given everything she’s learned, she’ll probably understand why it was something he didn’t share, that it was part of the secrets he carried but I still want to see what she does with this knowledge. Because it’s not the fact that he never divulged it but rather the fact that a. he’s still hiding things which is much more likely because b. he has endured the absolute worst shit on this very night. On his birthday. No one told him Happy Birthday - instead he just nearly died. ;________; Isn’t that so fucking SAD?! 

In very different ways, Shinae and Nol have both had the same goal in mind: to make each other happy. Just like earlier in the night she offered to help him relive one of his last, happy moments about Christmas, I’m sure she will once again offer to give him at least one happy memory about this birthday. Something worth celebrating, if it’s only that he’s alive and loved and that people care about him and he is worthy of his love. ;~;

IDK i feel very incoherent at this point so I think I’m going to end it here lol JUST KNOW THAT I HAVE SO VERY MANY FEELINGS that I have been rereading these episodes in awe of the tenderness and the intimacy. I’m such a fan of Nol and Shinae’s Stolen Moments of Calm aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh