#apparently they call the box turtle that because he bites people.

[creekfiend]

We went on a really great native plant tour hike at the foxfire museum today and it RULED and also before the hike we had this great interaction with one of the employees that was like

Lady on the boardwalk leading up to the main office, whose name was apparently Miss Crystal: MURIEL! MOSES! COME HERE, IT'S T PAIN

Us: I beg your pardon

Miss Crystal: T Pain is a box turtle who lives under the board walk

Us: Ah I see

Tour guide: Miss Crystal is a real mountain woman she will tell you what it's about

Us: [nodding]

Miss Crystal: [talking to two tiny blonde children about T Pain the box turtle] Oh he's after skanks, that's what he's after

Us: I beg your pardon again

Miss Crystal: You know, some of those blue tailed skanks

Us, having a sudden realization about southern appalachian vowel shifts: OH

[nei-ning]

Dream post.

I apparently was babysitting a black/gray kitten with seminlong hair. It was feral more or less since this young dark skinned man had found it.

The place / room looked similar to my old home's kitchen except colors were more faint / grayish / lifeless.

I woke up from a nap in the dream. I had fell asleep while sitting on the floor. I had red book, like a diary, in my lap open and first words were: "the kitten is missing." and then some numbers.

It was his number so I called him, telling him that the kitten had gone missing and he was all: "WHAT?! You need to find it!" so I started to search him while talking to the guy via phone.

Pretty soon I found thin and long cardboard box on the floor, darkest part in the kitchen. The kitten was there, but it was not alone. There was an adult cat too who, at first, looked like my Minna. I told the guy I found the kitten with another cat and they are okay.

I knew this kitten has been aggressive towards people so I was happily surprised when I sat down and this kitten came to me eagerly, standing on two feets against my left knee. The room now also had gotten much brighter!

Bigger cat, who I now recognized to be the dad of this kitten, circled to my right, wanting and trying to sniff my toes. He did well for few seconds, but then he hissed and tried to bite my toes. I instantly told him no and he started to behave!

He came in front of me, sitting like a dog on his back legs while giving me his front paws. Only now I saw him real good. He was dark, long haired, "tortoise / turtle" colored boy which, what I know, is very rare! I also saw that he was missing his left front leg from halfway down but it didn't seem to bother him. I told about this to the guy because I was still talking to him via phone and he didn't seem to mind it. As long as the cats were fine and safe.

Then next, all of the sudden, I was helping wild hamster to reach some berries from a tree and then I was with some dinosaurs. One of them has created / painted second layer on Earth, showing others their demise. Other dinos had hard time to believe there would happen such a horrible thing and they would die. One dino child was actually playing and laughing at the demonstration and I was thinking: "this isn't a matter of laugh. You WILL die, kid."

[sambergscott]

your son is going to love you

Summary: Peralta dads are cursed, destined to have terrible relationships with their sons. When Jake finds out *he's* going to have a son, he spirals. Amy helps.

goes without saying that if you haven’t watched 7x10 yet maybe don’t read this

She wakes up at 2am needing to pee.

She’s been waking up needing to pee a lot lately.

It’s like their baby has no respect for her sleeping pattern, perfectly honed over the years to maximise productivity, while still fitting in the full 8 hours of sleep needed a day. Their baby doesn’t care about the 8 hour recommendation, he laughs in the face of scientists. With the bad back and heart burn and constant kick, kick, kicking of her bladder, she’s averaging 4.7. She thought babies didn’t start keeping you up all night until they were born but, oh, how wrong she was.

She pats her husband to wake him up and come keep her company. If she’s awake because of their baby, then damn it, he’s going to be awake, too. But he’s not there, leaving her hand awkwardly patting a bare mattress.

“Jake?” She murmurs groggily, sitting up and switching on her bedside lamp. She’s half-expecting him to be sitting in the armchair playing Mario Party on his Switch (he has become a little bit addicted in the last few months and it wouldn’t be the first time she’s found him trying to beat Wario in the early hours of the morning) or have left a note beside her bed that he had a lead on a case and needed to go in with a scribbled ‘love you’ underneath and a lopsided heart. The armchair is empty, but there’s a light on down the hall and since there’s no way she forgot to turn it off before bed (she triple checks), she figures that it must be Jake.

Forgetting the whole reason why she woke up in the first place, she grabs Jake’s hoodie from the floor for warmth and pads into their living-kitchen-dining area. It’s the open plan-ness that made her fall in love with the apartment upon first visit and submit all her paperwork as soon as she was out the door. It’s the open plan-ness that would make the Property Brothers proud and the dumb people who go on that show foam at the mouth with jealousy. It’s the open plan-ness that allows her to see her husband straight away, snacking on the unfinished party food.

(Apparently people don’t feel like eating after a man cuts his thumb off and spurts blood everywhere. Who’d have thought?)

There’s a weird, pensive look on his face that draws her towards him.

“You OK, babe?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he responds. He pops a tomato from the salad bowl in his mouth, then another, then another.

She narrows her eyes. He never eats tomatoes unless they’re in ketchup or on top of a famous Sal’s pizza. Something is wrong.

She thinks back on their day, mentally rewinding the events from waking up to the morning briefing to their private sex reveal in the break room and finding out they’re having a boy (the empty cake box and blue frosting around Scully’s mouth was very surprising indeed). They were both floating on Cloud 9 all afternoon, came home and Zoomed the entire family, falling asleep on the couch around 9.30pm because pregnancy is exhausting.

Nothing particularly awful stands out.

Unless...

“Are you thinking about your Grandpa?”

He’d been so excited to see him again, so excited to reunite Walter Peralta  with Roger, The Admiral with the Captain. To be honest, Amy was less than impressed. He’d been nice enough to her, asked her about her job, about the baby, small talked about the weather. But he never asked her about Jake, probed about the 20 odd years of his grandson’s life that he’d missed out on. Which is frustrating because she has a lot of embarrassing stories ready to tell and a whole photo album of Jake on her phone. He couldn’t care less about Roger or Jake, storming out of the sex reveal party after calling his son a screw up and turning off his phone so they couldn’t get in contact with him. He’s a selfish dick and her husband deserves better. Still, he won’t be thinking about what a monster Walter turned out to be, he’ll be finding ways to blame himself that yet another father walked out of his life again.

He nods silently and she leads him to the couch.

“Talk to me, Jake.”

He releases a shaky breath. “The Peralta’s are cursed.”

“With devastatingly handsome good looks?” She half-jokes, trying to lighten the mood. Because, hello, her husband is hot; she constantly overhears other women in the precinct talking about his glow up and it would be impossible to ignore the female attention he gets in bars and even just walking down the street before he scratches his face to show off his wedding band and wraps one arm proudly around his wife’s shoulders. She’s seen the pictures of a young Roger Peralta, too, and with that charm smile... she gets it.

“Thank you,” he smiles briefly, “but no. Peralta dads are cursed with terrible relationships with their sons.”

“That’s not going to be you,” she says without hesitation, without a shred of doubt.

“How do you know?” He launches into a scathing personal indictment that leaves his cheeks stinging with tears. “I’m immature, obsessed with my work, messy, always late. My dad was never around when I was a kid. I don’t even know what dads do with their sons! And what if it’s in my genes? To be a crappy dad, abandon my kid like a dozen Peralta fathers before me. Your parents still don’t think I’m good enough. You didn’t even like me at first. It only makes sense that our baby would hate me, too.”

“Woah, babe. Slow down. Let’s unpack that one at a time.” She wipes away his tears with his hoodie sleeve and squeezes his hand. “First of all, you are way more mature now than you used to be. We bought a family friendly Sedan. You read parenting books. You were eating fruit, like, two minutes ago.”

“Tomatoes are fruits?”

“What? Yes, how do you not - not the point.” She shakes her head. “And so what, you enjoy your job. That’s a good thing, Jake! Do you understand how rare that is? You’re doing the thing you love while providing a decent income for our family. And besides, I’m way more obsessed than you. I have FOMOW, but that doesn’t mean I won’t love our kid more than anything. And as for the messy, late thing, if I can look past it because of how much I love you, so will our son.”

“Love you, too,” he mumbles.

“Now onto your point about not knowing what dads do, that is a straight up lie and we both know it, Peralta. You’re always hanging out with Charles and Nikolaj and Lord Knows Terry doesn’t shut up about all the activities he does with his girls.”

“I know what they do when I’m around, but what do you do when it’s 5am and they won’t go back to sleep?” He frets. “At what age do you introduce them to Die Hard? In Cry Hard With A Vengeance,” he quotes the parenting book she originally bought him as a joke but has kind of become his Torah, “Bruce Willis says right away, but what if he’s not ready to understand the complex plots? What if he prefers Timothy Olyphant to William Atherton? Oh my God, what if our son doesn’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?”

He’s spiralling and it’s a good job he’s with the only person who can truly calm him down.

“I think Bruce Willis is just trying to promote his franchise and that we’ll be watching more Paw Patrol than Die Hard for the next few years, babe, but I’m sure when he is old enough, he will love the movies as much as you.”

“Right,” he agrees, “you’re totally right. Action thrillers aren’t very baby friendly. I’ll just watch it on mute with subtitles.”

She laughs, her eyes crinkling in the corners. She loves him so much. Which segways them nicely onto his final two points.

“My parents do love you. Sure, they’re critical, but that’s just the way they are. They’re the same way to all of us. My mom complains to everyone she meets about how I can’t cook, how Tony hasn’t settled down and made her any beautiful grandbabies yet, even Perfect David faces her wrath when he goes a week without phoning her. If the worst thing my mom has to say about you is that you’re below average in height, you’re doing OK. And as for me apparently not liking you at first, I did like you.”

He furrows his brow. “But you said you found me annoying and difficult to be around.”

“Yet I didn’t ask to switch desks, continued working cases with you and went to Shaw’s whenever I was invited.” She stares at him pointedly. “If I really found you difficult to be around, I wouldn’t have stayed. I thought you were cute and funny and good at your job and yeah, you were annoying too, but,” she shrugs, “it never put me off.”

“So what you’re saying is that you had a crush on me first,” he grins.

“No. You obviously had a crush on me back then, too. What I’m saying is that I love you, our son loves you and you’re going to be a great dad.”

He blushes, ducking his head. “My dad said the same thing. About our son loving me.”

“He’s right,” she replies. “I feel him kick every time you get home from work, every time you sing to Taylor Swift in the car, every time I mention your name. Why didn’t you believe him?”

“I don’t know, still nervous about the curse, I guess.” He twists his wedding band on his finger.

Amy bites her lip. “Are you not excited about us having a boy?”

She has to ask. His excitement looked genuine in the break room, but it’s no secret that he was hoping for a girl. A mini-Amy, he said. While she’s always been more accustomed to boys considering the Santiago’s have, like, a million of them, Jake couldn’t get over the image of a little girl in dresses and doing ballet and with long, dark hair that he eventually learns to braid.

“Of course I am,” he’s quick to assure her. “Stupid excited. Never been more excited for anything. Not even the Ninja Turtles reboot. But still... nervous.” He rubs his hand over his face, muffling his voice. “Everyone is assuming what kind of dad I’m going to be. Whether I’m going to be good at it or not. To be fair, the only person who doubted me is that murderer I arrested last week, obviously not my biggest fan. Everyone else is convinced I can do it. What if I can’t? What if I’m genetically wired to be a bad dad? What if I disappoint you and our baby and Charles who has been dreaming about this forever?”

“Jake,” she softens her voice, pulling his hand away from his face, “the fact you are so worried about being a bad dad proves that you will not be one. Nor could you ever disappoint us.”

“But you’re my wife. You have to say that.”

“I would never have married you and become your wife if I thought you were the kind of person who could abandon your kid,” she promises him. “You have been perfect so far, dealing with all the vitamins and over-scheduled sex and washing my clothes when I sweat through them and holding my hair back when I’m being sick. You’ve been to every doctor’s appointment, read every binder, bought me every weird food craving. You hang out with the bump every night, talking and singing to it. I know you’re going to be a great dad, Jake, because you already are one.”

She kisses him and it’s soft and tender and filled with love, only interrupted by the kick, kick, kicking of their son.

“Hey,” Jake says in his best authoritative dad voice/John McClane dealing with German terrorists voice (he’s been practising in front of the mirror following Bruce’s advice), pointing a warning finger at the bump. “I’m going to kiss your mom as much as I want, Peralta. I loved her first.”

Amy giggles, stroking her fingers through Jake’s unruly curls. His bedhead is always wild and it’s maybe her favourite thing in the entire world. She silently sends a message of her own to their son to inherit his dad’s hair. And eyes. And handsome smile.

He kicks again as if to say ‘OK, mom’.

And then she really needs to pee.

[fanfic-inator795]

Oneshot: Movies and Mermaids

((Have some Mikey and Draxum bonding *throws confetti*))

It wasn’t as if Draxum had any genuine interest in human culture, certainly not! He could care less! ...Though, his obvious lack of caring didn’t prevent certain annoyances.

Like how he would be sometimes be completely lost in certain conversations. A member of the faculty at the high school would ask if he had seen the latest film in theaters and if he liked it better than the remake, or how his fellow lunch servers would reference certain shows and encourage him to watch them as well - Gladys especially seemed entranced with a show regarding doctors all dating each other in-between doing their actual jobs, for whatever reason.

The rest of the city seemed to only aggravate him more. From displays and the videos that would play on the large screens on towers, to the advertisements he saw on the television box or in magazines. It just seemed like everything he saw in human culture was a reference to something or someone - a laundry list of names and shows and movies and jokes and even what were supposedly ‘simple’ concepts like technology and brands and lingo and-!

After over two months of living on the surface, Draxum had reached his limit. He was tired of constantly being confused. He was tired of constantly missing or misunderstanding the references.

He was tired of being reminded that this was not his world, that he was still a yokai in human clothing.

So naturally, as a man of science, Draxum thought it only made sense to start with some research. Granted there was an entire pantheon that he would have to go through, and without the power of the ‘internet’ and a television box that only had five channels, it would be a incredibly slow process... At the very least, O’Neil had said that she would help him get a human library card when they both had a free afternoon. 

In the meantime, Michelangelo had plenty of ‘reference material’, and even with the insistence that this was all for education and NOT entertainment, Draxum figured it was as good of a starting point as any, considering how much the humans seemed to admire their on-screen stories and their film stars. (No wonder Lou Jitsu was just as popular as an actor as he was as a warrior...)

It was late Friday night when Mikey showed up to Draxum’s apartment with a backpack full of movies of all different genres and formats and a VHS/DVD combo player tucked under his arm. “Good thing Donnie found this thing a few years ago, huh?” he said as he hooked it up.

Draxum didn’t bother replying. Instead, he was focusing on his choices for that evening - as well as for the rest of the week, since Mikey said he could borrow them as long as he needed to - pulling out each tape or DVD case and examining it carefully. Quite a few of them looked like they were for children, which he probably should have expected, though he didn’t dismiss them immediately.

“Don’t worry,” he heard Mikey said, “I remembered what you said. All of these are super popular ‘staples of human culture’ that practically everyone’s seen.”

“Good,” Draxum mumbled, putting aside a movie about a boat next to a movie about a boy gardener who wore a cloak and was apparently very harry. Picking up the next one, his expression flattened a bit at the cover. “This one you can take back, I don’t need to watch it.”

“Huh? Why- ohhh.” The box turtle chuckled as he took the tape, smiling at the younger version of his dad on the box. “Sorry, guess that one accidentally got slipped in there. Though to be fair, ‘Jitsu for Justice’ is a total classic.”

“Irrelevant,” Draxum huffed, “I have no desire to watch ANY of Lou Jitsu’s films, no matter how popular they may be. Once was more than enough...”

“Alright alright, I’ll- wait,” Mikey paused, “so you DID watch his movies?”

“Er, I- Not because I actually wanted to!” Draxum told him, “It was for research!” Mikey gave him a flat look. “He had stopped fighting in the Battle Nexus and I needed to study his moves! I-I didn’t enjoy doing it, if that’s what you’re implying! His movies were still ridiculous and completely unenjoyable! I would never actually-”

“Whatever you say, man,” Mikey shrugged, ignoring the Baron’s growls at being interrupted, “Though, how’d you watch ‘em anyway? I didn’t think that TV was that big of a thing down there?”

“I used my viewing orb to summon and display them, obviously,” Draxum told him, “Most yokai have them for when they need them, and they’re much more useful and clearer than any television box.”

“If you say so...” “Hmph.” With that settled, Draxum went back to digging through the bag of movies. It didn’t take long for another video to catch his eye, this one in a plastic case rather than a cardboard one, with a picture of a happy mermaid and an equally happy human plastered on it.

“Awwww!” Mikey said suddenly, “That was April’s favorite movie when she was little! Which meant it was one of the first movies she brought over to share with us! Heh, guess we borrowed it so often we forgot to give it back, whoops. But it’s a really good movie! See, there’s this mermaid who wants to live on land as a human, and she’s friends with a crab and-”

Draxum had begun to tune the turtle out as he continued to stare at the VHS case. Mermaids weren’t too common in the Hidden City itself, though that didn’t mean they weren’t there at all. The city was next to water, after all, and some would live on the shore or become part of an air-boat crew - and they certainly didn’t look like this.

He felt his thoughts start to swirl, becoming just as mixed as his emotions as a grimace began to form on his face. On one hand, Draxum supposed he should’ve been grateful that the humans were portraying a yokai positively - as cute and friendly instead of vicious creature that lived to drown humans. 

Centuries ago, before the Great Migration underground, Draxum had heard that and many other similar claims about his people... Baseless claims meant to justify hunts and attacking on sight...

On the other hand, did humans only see them as ‘harmless’ when used for entertainment purposes? Did they only approve of yokai existing when they only existed in fiction, where they could be used however humans saw fit? 

He was briefly reminded of the creatures - the ‘poke-o-mon’ - that he would occasionally see on shirts or on phones, creatures not directly based on yokai, but similar enough. He had to wonder how much other human entertainment was based on so-called fictional creatures and monsters that they never would have even smiled at before.

“-xum... Hey, Drax?” Mikey poked his bicep, making Draxum flinch. “You okay, bud-?”

“Fine,” Draxum snapped, though there was a little actual bite to it, “Just surprised that humans would portray a yokai so positively, even in fiction.”

“Most humans do think they’re just fiction,” Mikey told him. After a moment, his tone became a bit gentler, thinking back to certain points brought up by his father and April. “Though, I can still sorta see why that would feel weird or kinda insulting, seeing a fake version of yourself or your people and not knowin’ how they’d react to the real you, wondering if they would only like the fake you. That probably doesn’t feel the greatest... and I’m really sorry about that.”

Draxum blinked. He stared at the turtle for a few seconds before finally replying with, “You’re a lot more introspective than I would have thought.”

“I get that a lot,” Mikey grinned, “But hey, they don’t call me Dr. Feelings for nothing. So, did you wanna keep this one then, or- I mean, I can understand if-”

Draxum stopped him, looking at the tape again. “...I am admittedly curious,” he said, “You did say this was a movie humans watch as children.” Studying a species’ influences during adolescence could prove to be pretty useful in understanding the adults. “And besides, if the portrayal is truly offensive, I can always send a complaint to this ‘Walt Disney’ and demand certain edits.”

“Riiiiight, though I don’t think you’ll be too mad at this one,” Mikey told him, “Ariel is a great character, and all the other mermaids in the movie aren’t portrayed as jerks or anything. ...Well, one guy kinda is but, uh-”

“Let’s just watch it already,” Draxum told him, shoving the tape into his hand, “The sooner we start it, the sooner I can gauge whether or not it’s actually worth watching.”

Mikey smirked a little. “Heh, alright.” Opening the case, he pushed the tape in while Draxum went over to the couch they had gotten him at the thrift store, briefly checking it for bugs or lumps before sitting down. “Good thing it’s already rewound.”

The only annoying thing about that was that they had to sit through previews, though Mikey used that time to cook up some popcorn kernels that he had snagged on the way out of the Lair, easily cooking it using a pan and the stove top. (No one trusted Draxum with a microwave after That One Time.)

By the time he finished, the movie’s title had just faded onto the screen. Mikey smiled widely, the nostalgia from the music and the memories he had with the movie sending slight shivers up his shell. 

Draxum, meanwhile, was watching the film intently, taking in every detail. The mermaids in the film were still completely different than actual mermaids, but at least they weren’t an insulting caricature (even if they were a bit too human-like for his liking).

As it turned out, the main mermaid character was not only a bit of a collector and explorer, but also a human fanatic. “Ugh,” Draxum grumbled as he grabbed a couple more pieces of the puffed-up corn-snack. Mikey gave him a bit of a look, but he ignored it. Just because he had been able to find a bit of common ground and comradery with his fellow lunch servers didn’t mean he was willing to give ALL humans a pass.

At least the mermaid’s father seemed to have some common sense. In fact, Draxum found himself nodding in agreement with nearly every scene the mer-king was in. ...Up until a certain point, at least.

Mikey winced a bit as the scene began. He resisted the urge to go into his shell like he always had when he was little, but he did sink a little in his seat as Triton stepped out of the shadows. When he noticed Draxum glancing over at him, Mikey simply mumbled, “I always hate this scene...”

A couple minutes and a destroyed grotto later, and Draxum could sort of see what Mikey meant, understanding how Triton’s act might have been “harsh”, as the orange-wearing turtle would’ve put it.

As the movie moved onto the next seen, Mikey relaxed a little, though a frown remained on his face... However, his expression of sadness soon became one of confusion as he felt a hand pat the top of his head.

“Uh... there, there,” Draxum mumbled, giving Mikey one more head-pat before retracting his hand. It was awkward as all heck, they both knew it, but seeing the sheepman somewhat care about his feelings still made Mikey smile.

It didn’t take much longer for Ursula to make her appearance, and as soon as the Sea Witch began talking of deals and trades, Draxum gave a small smirk of his own.

“What?” Mikey asked, tilting his head a bit.

“I didn’t realize Big Mama was in this movie.”

Mikey snorted at that. “So what, you tell jokes now?”

The sheep-man shrugged as he grabbed another handful of popcorn. “Just making an observation,” he said simply. As the scene went on though, his mind made another small connection - Ursula’s two eels reminding him of his own pair of pets, even if Flotsam and Jetsam were much more confident than his former goyles.

Even so, the reminder made his chest ache a little... Not in sadness, mind you, or because he actually missed them. No, clearly his chest ached for a completely different reason that he was sure he’d think of later.

Once the little mermaid made the contract and silenced herself, the film very much became a literal ‘fish out of water’ story, complete with plenty of amusing moments featuring misunderstandings and an over-abundance of cuteness, as well as another musical number. Thankfully, before things became too saccharine, Ursula launched the second half of her plan to rule the seas.

After that, the movie moved pretty quickly through its third act. Draxum was a bit annoyed at the human prince being the one to ultimately save the day in the end, but overall he could agree that the ending was a pretty happy one.

As the credits rolled, Mikey looked at him with eyes wide. “Sooooo, what do you think?”

Draxum cupped his chin in thought, staying silent for a few moments before finally speaking. “...If the king’s trident had the power of transformation, why didn’t he just turn the prince into a merman?”

Mikey’s face fell. “...That’s what you got out of it?”

“It’s a valid question!” Draxum argued, “Why should she have to be the one to transform?”

“Because she wasn’t just after the guy!” Mikey told him, resisting the urge to facepalm, “You saw her collection and heard her song, she wanted to be human! She was tired of bein’ stuck in the same ocean and wanted something new - something she thought was cool!”

“Hmph, I suppose that’s true... Plus, she still has the option to turn back into a mermaid later on thanks to her father’s power, so at least there’s that.”

The box turtle slumped back on the couch, disappointed though maybe not too surprised. “I guess that means you didn’t really like it, huh?”

There was a long moment of silence. “I didn’t completely agree with the ending but... the film overall wasn’t too bad,” Draxum conceded, “Not as bad as I thought it’d be, at least?”

“...You really mean that?” Mikey asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I wouldn’t waste my time lying about something as trivial as animated human-entertainment,” Draxum replied, “And... there were high production values. Characters were mostly understandable, and it was... cute. Not too annoying or insufferable. Even if it was still slightly inaccurate to actual mermaids and mermen.”

“...You know what, I’ll take it. And I’m glad you enjoyed the movie, and not just for my sake.” With a bit of a ‘whup’, Mikey sat up and tucked his legs under his body in a sort of lotus position. “Though, now I’m kinda curious. What’d the movie get wrong, and what else can you tell me about merpeople? I only ever saw one, on Hueso’s brother’s ship, but that was only for like a second.”

This time, it was Draxum’s turn to give him a look. “Really... The child who’s always pushing me to ‘embrace humans’ and hide my ‘mystic stuff’ is asking me to teach him about a member of Yokaikind?”

“Hey, I only to tell you to hide your mystic stuff so you don’t get yourself evicted, fired or arrested,” Mikey retorted, “I’m not the one goin’ around mutatin’ kids and/or lunches and making giant stone heads angry.”

“...Fair enough,” Draxum said, only slightly reluctant.

“But as far as I can figure, there’s no harm in just talking about mystic stuff. And as for my actual interest... Yeah, I really do wanna know.” Unable to help himself, Mikey directed his gaze towards the floor - down towards the Hidden City that he knew was there. That he only now knew was there. 

He wouldn’t have traded his life with his dad in the sewers of NYC for anything, but he would’ve been lying if he said there wasn’t a small part of him that wondered what it would’ve been like to grow up around people that looked like him in a city full of magic.

“We protect humans, but we don’t like only humans, you know,” Mikey continued, “We’ve got other mutant friends, and yokai friends too.” His smile softened. “Senor Hueso and Sunita and the chefs I’ve met at Run of the Mill, they’re all so amazing. And I’ve only seen, like, a fraction of the Hidden City but I know that’s amazing too, and I just... This city - the surface - is always gonna be my home, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the other city or wonder about it.” 

He finally looked back at Draxum, his eyes firm. “So yeah... I wanna know.”

There was another moment of silence between them, though within it, the slightest bit of connection was formed. Small and fragile, but no less noticeable.

“...Fine,” Draxum finally agreed, “But pay attention, I don’t want to repeat myself later. First off, no merperson has the same skin tone as a human. They range between greens, blues and grays to help blend in with oceans. Their eyes are also much wider than a human’s to help them hunt.”

“Makes sense to me!” Mikey smiled, leaning back on his hands a little, though looking no less attentive. Even when the TV turned to quiet static, he kept his focus right on Draxum - a gesture the former warrior-scientist certainly appreciated, even if he didn’t say so outright.

“Merpeople are also able to survive outside of water. While mobility becomes an issue depending on how often they’re moving or traveling, they have no issues living on land - hence why some take to living on air-boats as a sort of compromise, plus it helps them travel across bodies of water in a shorter amount of time. They also don’t eat humans, despite the lies told about them, though they can be territorial when they are in the water - although you can’t blame them, especially if fish start to become scarce. Furthermore-”

It was sort of nice... Sure, Mikey had plenty he wanted to show and teach Draxum about humankind - and if all went well, then maybe there was a chance of Draxum having a change of heart. Maybe their technical creator wasn’t totally evil, and maybe one day, he really would be a better person and would understand what he and his family already knew. Mikey certainly hoped that would end up being the case...

But, in the meantime, maybe Mikey would end up learning a little from Draxum too. And honestly, as long as it wasn’t lecture series about ‘effectively destroying humans’ or anything like that, the orange turtle didn’t see anything wrong with that at all.

THE END

[sylvain-writes]

Scarlet Letters (TMNT Raphael x Reader)

Chapter 4/8: Tough Love

Getting Raphael to open up takes a little push, but you don’t need to tiptoe; this turtle’s not one to run from a little confrontation. Raphael reveals some insecurities. And you learn there’s power in a name.

(Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ao3)

All is quiet as you kneel between Raphael’s thighs.  The flickering candles give off just enough light for you to catch his features as they shift from curiosity to something like the looks of interest you’ve brushed off from people who don’t interest you in the same way.  

To be fair, no one has interested you the way Raphael does.  No one has consumed your thoughts so quickly, found their way into your heart so easily.  He overwhelms you by degrees.

As you consider the horrible dates of your past and the uniquely interesting night this has turned out to be, you absentmindedly caress the taut skin on the insides of his knees.  

Raphael’s stomach growls, and you can’t help but laugh at the interruption.  You wonder how long you would have continued, lost in each other’s stare, if his hunger hadn’t made itself known.

“I’ll make us something,” you say as you bring yourself to your feet.  You allow your hand to pass over Raphael’s shoulder until your fingertips graze the edge of his shell.  Your stomach swoops at his shudder.  It’s not your imagination when Raphael leans back on the stool to prolong your touch. 

At the pantry, jars of tomato sauce, cans of soup, and boxes of sundry non perishables stare back at you from the well-stocked shelves.  “So, Red," you call over your shoulder, "do you have any dietary restrictions I should know about?”  

It feels weird even admitting to yourself that you researched turtle diets before the power went out and your wifi switched over to data.  You don’t dare share that bit of information aloud.

The grunt Raphael gives in response is gruff.  “Whateva’s fine,” he says, voice clipped.  It's such a stark difference from the softness and warmth you'd seen radiating from his eyes, that you pull up short.  You turn to face him.  But he isn't looking at you.  

He wears a pinched expression as he picks at the bandage on his thigh.

Your eyebrows knit together and you feel the frown on your lips, but you decide it's best to let him be for now.  He's been through so much in such a short time. 

⁂

They say it’s an old wives’ tale; they say you can’t really sense someone looking at you while your back is turned.  But as you move around the kitchen, you can tell.  His eyes follow you.  

It’s not the soft gaze you were falling into just moments ago.  This look is piercing.  There’s heat to it that you don’t understand.  You think maybe you’ve done something wrong, but Raphael is short with words and it’s hard to come up with a reason on your own.  

“Everything OK?” you ask from the stove, trying not to let your uncertainty shine through your voice.  The lack of response raises your concern to new heights.  "Red?"  When you turn to face the room, the turtle is nowhere to be seen.  His absence leaves a hollow feeling in your stomach. 

Feeling even more unsettled than before, you add a thawing bag of kale to the saucepan.  Hopefully, with this addition, the chicken vegetable soup won’t taste too much like the can from which it was dumped.  

You’ll impress him with your culinary prowess some other time, you think.  If you get the chance.  At the thought of exchanging goodbyes, your heart stops beating.  When you consider never seeing him again, your heart feels like it’s forgotten how to start back up.

There’s no sound of Raphael’s reentry, but you feel his presence filling the room when he returns.  The smell of the soup must have drawn him from exploring the other rooms.  You don’t mind him wandering.  After waking up in a strange place, you figure you’d feel more comfortable if you saw a proper layout of your surroundings as well.  All that matters is his return.

Raphael peers into the pot and sniffs the air.  There’s no hum of approval.  No request for a taste or suggestion to adjust the seasoning.  You wonder if he’ll eat what you’ve prepared, if it’ll be enough to satisfy his appetite.  When you ask for his opinion on rice versus noodles, all he gives you are short huffs and a crooked side-eye.

After ten minutes of worrying what it means when he looks at you like this or what he’s trying to convey when he grunts like that, you give up trying to doctor the soup.  If all he's going to do is drift in and out of the shadows glaring at you, maybe he should prepare his own damn meal.  

You’re about to call him back over to take your place at the stove when you hear him gasp from across the room.  Apparently ‘making himself comfortable’ on the couch isn’t going so well. Another shock of pain catches him off-guard and he lets out a short hiss.  It twists your heart.  

Never one to let someone suffer alone, you ladle some soup into bowls and bring them over to the table.  “You’ll be more comfortable here,” you say, not unkindly. Not that he deserves more of your kindness with the way he lifts his nose to the air and sneers.  “I won’t let you stain my carpet or my couch,” you clarify, “so if you’re gonna eat, eat at the table.  It’s soup.  It’s hot.  It’s good for you.”  You think that last statement is the truth.  You really tried to fix him something appropriate.

Raphael does eventually come over to eat.  He’s cordial, but there’s a distance between you - more than the space of the table that separates your seats.  He forgoes the spoon, in favor of lifting the bowl to drink straight from its side.  Despite his reluctance to join you for the meal, he drains the bowl without complaint.  

“Do you want more?”

His answer is a shrug and you’re not sure what the hell you’re supposed to make of that.  “It’s a simple question, Red,” you sharpen your gaze, trying to get a read on him.  “Yes or no?”  You don’t mean to snap, but you’re exasperated and tired.  Damn, you think, dragging your hands over your face; you’re so very tired. 

You watch the lines of his face dance.  Surprise looks foreign on his features.  “Are you talkin’ t’ me?”  

The way he's acting, you'd think no one's ever called him out on his attitude before.  “Who the hell else would I be talking to? I’ve been trying to talk to you all night.  Not that you owe me anything-” you hold up your hands to signify a truce “-cause you don’t, but I brought you in, patched you up, and now you act like… like none of that means anything.”  You’d thought it meant something.  It was really starting to feel like it meant something.

At Raphael’s lack of response, you grab his bowl from the table and fill it at the stove.  At least while he was eating, his silence was warranted.  

You’re getting twisted up in your emotions.  You need to get a grip.  Before taking the second helping over to Raphael, you place it down hard on the countertop.  With a tight hold on the edge of the counter, you take a steadying breath.  You’re not being fair.  Raphael didn’t ask for any of this.  It’s your own fault, if you’ve been reading more into the brief moments of tenderness between you and this guy....  this guy who, for all intents and purposes, is still very much a stranger.

As you lift the soup bowl again, you mutter half-to-yourself, half-to-Raphael, “Geez, Red.  You never heard, ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you’?”

It’s the wrong thing to say, the wrong button to push.  You know it the minute Raphael’s cheeks flush a deep emerald.  

“I ain’t some stray you brought in from the street.  You think I’m gonna curl up at ya feet just cause you pet my head and tell me I’m a good boy?  I ain’t no pet.”

“Good!” You shoot back. And it does feel good to release some of the tension between you like this.  Finally you’re saying what you want to say the moment you want to say it without fear he’ll leave.  Because he could have tried to leave at any moment.  He could be gone.  But he’s staying.  Raphael’s not one to back down from a fight.  As soon as you realize that, it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

“Good,” you reiterate, “cause I hate pets.”  You take another deep breath and, with the worry that Raphael would disappear into the storm fading, this breath centers you in a way the last one didn’t. When you speak again you’re level-headed and calm.  “But I could use a friend, ya know?  And it looked like you coulda used one too.”  

"Friend," he scoffs as if the word is a farce.

It is.  For you.  You look at him and see someone who already means more to you than any friend ever has.  

You two are locked in a stare until you shake your head to break free of the spell.  “Look, as soon as the storm passes, I’ll help you get home.  It can’t be too far, right?”

Raphael holds his side as he stands from the table.  It’s as if it takes a little pressure to ease the pain of moving.  

“Whaddaya mean, ‘can't be too far'?  Whadda you know, huh?  Who d'you work for?"

"No one,” you answer quickly.  Then amend, “Well, the Urgent Care over in DUMBO, but… No one important, I swear." 

"Then why would ya know whereabouts I live, huh?” The way he sidesteps the stool, you think he’s going to head off to the living room or disappear down the hall.  Instead, he plants his feet, folds his arms over his chest, and looks down at you in accusation.

You look up at him, a little perturbed by his distrust but… there’s something about him, even as he towers over you, that isn’t as menacing as it ought to be.  He doesn’t scare you.  

He doesn’t scare you, and you suspect that’s because, deep down, he isn’t trying to.  Or maybe with other people he never really has to try.  Afterall, he’s huge, tattooed, and scarred.  He’s a giant turtle -- a mutant, if you take the story about the ooze literally.  Were you supposed to?  He was half-delirious in that bath.  You blink a few times to clear your thoughts.  Now, really, isn’t the time to lose focus.

Leaning back to meet his eyes, to make sure he knows you haven’t been spooked, you speak plainly.  “Your accent; you’re from Brooklyn.”  

You’ve lived in the city your whole life.  Mostly in the Bronx, but that was more because your surviving parent was looking to put some distance between you and that block in lower Manhattan where your father was attacked.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess Raphael sounds most at home right here by the piers.  

“I’m from nowhere." Raphael states like it's a fact.  "‘Cause ain’t nobody thinks I’m nothin’.”  His feet shuffle beneath him; he’s anxious to move.  Your hands itch to reach out in a request for him to stay put.  “As far as the world is concerned,” he continues, “I’m no one; I don’t exist.”

The muscles of Raphael’s jaw tick as he clenches his teeth.  He raises his eyes to the ceiling and you know this is a now-or-never moment, a time to speak up.  

“You’re wrong,” you begin, anxiety filling your chest and pushing your heart into your throat.  “You’re somebody to me.”  

"Ya don't even know my name."

"What?  Of course I know your…" 

Raphael turns away.

You can feel the tightness of your forehead as your brow furrows.  You can hear the heat in your voice.  What was meant to be a gentle sentiment is carried fiercely by your determination for Raphael to listen to what you have to say.  “Even when you were barely able to stand on your own two feet, you were ready to defend me.”

The glance he spares is wary.  You take it as a sign to carry on.  

“You could have run, hidden, but you stayed by my side.  You came with me to the door ready to fight.”

Raphael swallows hard, but his defensiveness remains solidly in place.  “O’ course I did.  Ya didn’t know who coulda been out there.”

“That’s what I mean.”  You face him straight on.  Your eyes lock on his with an intensity you think is only meant for the movies.  “You could have been killed, but you were fearless.”

Raphael flinches.  He tightens his arms around himself.

“What did I say?”  You look at him, eyes wide with compassion.  Something in him has changed.  He’s pulling away again.  “Don’t do that, please.”  Your hand hovers in the air between you.  “Don’t shut me out.  Raphael,” you plead, “tell me what I said.”

When his attention snaps to you, you’re hit with the realization that you’ve never spoken his name aloud before.  The syllables feel right as the name builds in your chest and passes through your lips again.  But at the same time, it feels like too much, like now that you’ve said it, you’ve revealed feelings you can’t take back.

[sasuhinasno1fan]

Save a cat, get cheese buns

I have only ever written one (1) ML fic before, not counting an AU I did for a klance week, and I think it is very obvious here, but I really wanted to try @marichatmay. MariChat is my top fav of the love square and after watching part 2 of s3, I just wanted to write fanfic for this fandom. It’s also very obvious puns are not part of my every day vocab. I struggled to fit a few in there, so don’t expect more than maybe one in the rest of the month’s fics. I hope you like this anyway. I was inspired by Kiki’s Delivery Sevice. I know for this au, Chat is usually an actual chaton, but I decided to switch it up a little. Also side note, Tom and Sabine aren’t Mari’s parents in this fic. She grew up with her grandfather Fu and met the couple when they offered her a place to stay in exchange for helping out at the bakery. So, please enjoy. Witch AU

“Plagg? Plagg?” how did this happen? She arrived in this small Parisian town only about 2 weeks ago with her broom, Plagg and a fully packed bag in hand. She had gone out on her own as was tradition in her family of witches. She met Sabine and Tom who offered a place in their home in exchange for help out in front and doing deliveries – though seeing how clumsy her landings were, she could tell they were starting to reconsider that one, even though she never destroyed any orders. If Plagg wasn’t stealing cheese related pastries, he was laying all over the fabrics for Marinette’s lucky clothing. he’d been sleeping in the sun up in Marinette’s attic room and when she came back after doing a delivery he wouldn’t move for, he was gone. She hadn’t been too worried, he wondered around, getting into trouble. He lived up to his name of plague and bad luck, despite his owner being able to give good luck to her clothing items. But it became the evening and he wasn’t back. Nor was he back the next morning or that afternoon. She knew Plagg, he wouldn’t disappear like that, not when he complained about always wanting food and Tom and Sabine spoiled him with it. His disappearance didn’t make any sense.

So here she was, putting off orders she’d received for her blooming business to look for the only piece of home she had in a brand new place.

“Plagg!”

“Marinette!” the dark haired witch turned to see Luka and Rose riding up next to her. Luka had been one of the first people she met when she arrived. His calm demeanour and the way he seemed to read her – and everyone one else – helped her feel a bit more at ease. Rose was a walking sunbeam who stood out when you placed her next to her more dark loving girlfriend, but they were one of the sweetest couples Marinette had met. Ok so maybe Sabine and Tom beat them, just a little.

“Are you ok? You seem stressed. Is it creator’s block?” Luka asked.

“I wish. Plagg is missing. He went out yesterday and he hasn’t come back yet. It isn’t like him. He might go missing for a while, but then he always comes back begging for food. Have you seen him?”

“Well, it’s a little hard to miss a sarcastic talking cat.” Rose pointed out. “But I’m sure he’s fine. You said he belonged to your grandfather?”

Plagg did originally belong to her grandfather, the only other person of magic in her life. He created healing potions and balms and stood out even more as a warlock by having a turtle as his main familiar. Plagg might of belonged to her grandfather, but he’d always been hers.

“Yeah, but disappearing like this isn’t like him. I’ve already checked the cheese shop he’s always trying to sneak in to. He doesn’t like any other cheese pastries except for Tom’s, so I can’t even begin to think where he could of gone.”

Luka had a thoughtful look on his face before turning to look at Rose. “What about the guy Alya mentioned?”

Rose brighten and started to slap Luka on the back, who didn’t even flinch.

“Of course! Alya’s been looking into this guy who’s been going around taking care of all the town’s cats. Everyone calls him Chat Noir because he’s always in this black cat eared beanie and a whisker face mask.”

Chat Noir?

“He’s got to be about your age but no one has ever reported their child missing so my guess he isn’t even from here. The colony apparently lives at the old music hall, if you’ve ever seen it.” Luka threw out.

“I have! I’m going to get my broom and check. Thanks guys!” Marinette yelled as she ran back towards the bakery.

Hopefully she would get lucky and Plagg would be there. And maybe she could met this Chat Noir guy.

                                                    _________

It was strange to be on her broom without nails digging into her purple dress or a black ball of fur curled up precariously on the front of her broomstick. She just hoped Luka’s suggestion was right. She landed in front of the old music hall. Before it was shut down, she could see that it would have been the place to be, but now wear and tear had lessened it’s splendour The front doors were still attached and the bottom glass of the doors had been replaced the a flap big enough for cats to get through. She took her luck with the door and opened to the sound of cats scattering. The carpeted floors were torn up, no doubt from the many cats using it as a scratching post. There was a mild smell, but from what she could see, there weren’t any accidents anywhere. Marinette wondered if this Chat Noir guy got litter boxes for all the cats in the building. She could see a few glowing eyes in easily reaching hidey holes, but none with the unnatural green of Plagg’s eyes.

“Plagg? Plagg, are you here?”

“Can I help you?” a voice asked.

Spinning around, her heart in her throat, she stared at the guy standing not far behind her. He had to of picked up sneaking skills from the cats because she didn’t even hear him. Like Rose said, his messy blond hair was mostly hidden by a cat eared beanie and half of his face was hidden with a black face mask with white cat whiskers printed on it.

“You scared me.” Marinette said, breathing so her heart would restart.

“My apologies Purr-incess. Didn’t mean to make your fur stand on edge. Just the last person who came here was the reporter girl and she promised to come through the back entrance next time she wanted an interview. Cats are usually up front here and I hate to scare them every two seconds by coming through the door.” his green eyes took in Marinette in the purple dress and broomstick in hand. “I hope you’re not here to look for a familiar. Most of these felines aren’t great around people yet.”

“Um, no. I already have one. His name is Plagg and he’s obsessed with cheese. he’s been missing since yesterday and I haven’t been able to find him since. Have you at all seen him? His eyes are like a green glow stick, they’re really green.”

Chat Noir’s eyes lit up. “So you’re the Marinette he was talking about. Right this way princess.” he said, gesturing down the hall like some kind of prince.

She was cautious, but he did know her name, so she followed him. He opened one door and put a finger up to his hidden lips before taking her hand and leading her up the stairs. She had to guess that he was taking her to the theatre's booth.

“Ow! Stop biting me!”

“Plagg!”

she didn’t bothering waiting for Chat Noir as she ran to the top of the stairs where she saw Plagg in the middle of a little kitten playroom, getting attacked by 3 kittens, all using him as a chew toy.

“Marinette help me!” Plagg begged. Other than looking very uncomfortable, he seemed to be ok.

“Alright kittens, leave the poor guy alone. Chew any more and you’ll turn him into a Rex.” Chat Noir called, slipping out of his shoes before stepping over the barrier and pulling the kittens off of Plagg, before picking him up and handing him to Marinette.

Plagg’s claws dug into her shoulder as he clung to her. “Never let me leave the room ever again.”

“What happened anyway? I came back from the delivery and you were gone.”

“I found him running from Minnie. she’s kinda the resident leader.” Chat Noir said.

“I did not run!” Plagg defended.

“Oh, of course not. You were trembling with excitement when she drove you into a corner like she would do any street dog. Looks like your kitty likes it ruff.”

Marinette couldn’t tell if he meant that pun but she was starting to get an idea that he liked them. He wore black and was called Chat Noir.

“I don’t like him.” Plagg grumbled.

“Hey, I feed you my cheese buns last night because you wouldn’t eat the cat food I offered. That was my dinner.”

“Well I saved you the trouble of really bad cheese buns. Clearly you haven’t had a Dupain Patisserie cheese bun.”

Chat Noir’s eyes glowed in amusement. “They’re a little far from my territory, but I have had their macaroons. they’re meow-vellous.” he looked proud of that one. “He’s ok, by the way. Checked him over for as long as he let me hold him and brought him up here because the kittens don’t care much who comes up here. He makes a pretty great foster dad.”

“My first and last time!” Plagg yelled, Marinette moving her head away from his screeches.

“Well, thank you for looking after him. I’m glad to know he was in good hands.” Marinette thanked.

“No problem. I don’t know what your skill set is, but maybe you could find a way of keeping him out of trouble? Something tells me this isn’t his first time.”

Marinette looked at Plagg, who was still sulking and twitchy from being around the kittens. He was pretty good at getting into trouble. Maybe she would have to pick him up next time he wanted to be too lazy.

“I’ll do my best. I should get back. Thanks again.”

“Not a problem princess. don’t hesitate to come again.” he offered, bowing like a prince.

On their way back to the bakery, Plagg complained about the things he’d been through but she could tell it was just him complaining about everything. From what she gathered, Chat looked after all the cats himself, changing litter, filling food and water bowls, catching any sick cats to get them checked out. that’s why Chat hadn’t seen Plagg when he came wondering into the music hall when his curiosity got the better of him. He’d been bringing back the kittens from their check up when he heard the ruckus and saved him.

“He must be doing something pretty well to have the money to pay for all that. I know what a simple check up costs for you.” Marinette pointed out.

“Don’t ask me. He can’t even get decent cheese bread. They were hard.”

“Hard? Like they were stale?”

“Tom’s given me stale bread as a toy. They weren’t fresh, that’s for sure.”

money spent on the cats but old bread for dinner? Could he be spending all his money on the cats? She wanted to show him how much she appreciated him looking after Plagg. Maybe a simple cheese bun could be the key? She looked down at Plagg, who was still going on his ‘woe is me’ spin. Of course, she was going to have to steal a few before she feed her poor attacked familiar.

                                                     ____________

“Why are we here?” Plagg whined.

Marinette rolled her eyes. Plagg was obviously back to his usual self. She did noticed that he did stick closer to her on the broomstick, so he clearly wasn’t taking any chances.

“I just want to thank him for looking after you. he’s obviously got his hands full with all the other cats and he gave you his dinner.” Marinette pointed out.

Plagg pouted. He didn’t like admitting he was wrong, but she knew that he had a heart of gold.

She floated down to the back of the music hall, like Chat Noir had asked her to. A few cats watched her land, growling when they saw Plagg, who growled right back.

“Down guys. No need to growl. I’m sure if you asked nicely, purr-incess here would be happy to give you a ride.”

Chat Noir came from the back entrance, hefting a large bag litter in his hands.

“I didn’t expect you back so soon. You missed me, I’m sure. I’m paw-sitivly purr-fect to be around.”

“Ease up on the puns or I’m feeding these to Plagg.” Marinette warned, holding up the basket that was in her hand.

“A gift for me? Why princess? We barely even know each other. If you’re asking me to run away with you, just know I’ve got about 40 children to bring with me.”

Marinette got the feeling puns and flirting was this guy’s way of talking. She hoped if she dug a little deeper, she’d find something a bit different.

“Something to say thanks for looking after this one. I’m sure he was a handful.” she said, waiting till he dropped the bag of litter and dusted off his hands to hand him the basket. It had cheese buns as well as a few other filling pastries. “They’ll last you a while.”

“Dupain Patisserie? My, my, you spoil me. I didn’t mind looking after him. I’m just glad you two found each other again. I’ve got to ask though. Purple dress and black cat means your a witch right? What brought you to our small town?”

Marinette shrugged. “Most witches go out on their own at my age. There was something about this place that just drew me to it.”

“Well, hopefully our meeting didn’t make you look at things in a bad light.”

“I’ll survive I’m sure. Besides, my skill set is making lucky items. I think I’ve got a bit of protection.”

Chat Noir got close, leaning down a bit so he could look her in the eyes. “I think we lucked out with you princess.”

She couldn’t help but to laugh. She didn’t know Chat Noir that well yet, but something told her she’d be surprised with what she discovered.

[agentkgent]

Fic: If You Want It Back

Chapter One: You’d Probably Think (Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter Two: If You Knew | Read on AO3

(This is a short chapter, mostly establishing that our boys are on opposite sides of the country as adults; They do not remember each other and they are not happy; this isn’t necessarily a HAPPY chapter, but it’s setting up for some cavity-inducing sweet fluff heading your way!)

- - -

Eddie | 39

“Eddie, there just won’t be enough room for all of this!” Myra insists, gesturing to the boxes of clothes.

Eddie gives a half-hearted chuckle and runs a hand through his hair. “Sweetheart, I need space for my stuff, too.”

Myra quirks her eyebrow at him and continues to argue. “This is my closet. That was the deal.”

“Honey, it’s attached to our bedroom.”

Myra turns icy at his response. “It is my closet. We’re in this tiny apartment that you wanted, that you said was so important, and I said I need my own walk-in closet. That was the deal.”

“Myra, this apartment is hardly tiny. And I have to be able to put my clothes away.”

“There’s a dresser over there,” she points.

He looks for a moment. “How can I fit all my things in three drawers?”

Myra shrugs carelessly. “And I didn’t get my craft room. Figure it out, Eddie.”

He sighs in defeat. “Yes, dear, I know.”

Eddie and Myra Kaspbrak are finally moving into their first home in New York - an apartment just south of Midtown Manhattan. It’d been a long time coming, a lot of long, frustrating conversations on home amenities and proximity to the airport. He had to do a lot of traveling, after all.

Eddie knows this isn’t what Myra wanted. What she wanted was a two-story, four-bedroom, two-bath modern home and a fucking jacuzzi in the backyard. If he had a nickel for every time he had to say, “I just don’t make enough money, sweetheart,” or “That’s too far a drive from JFK,” and “We may need to move, I can’t get locked into a mortgage just yet.” He mine as well have been negotiating with his mother. (God rest her soul.) Myra only understood that Eddie made “good money” with the insurance company. To her, that meant they made “plenty of money” to afford whatever she wanted.

He pulls off his jacket, and pulls up his long sleeves to get to work on his boxes of clothes.

“Eddie-bear, you know you don’t need all those clothes. Just get rid of some things,” Myra says from inside her closet. He refuses to turn around and watch her carefully placing her designer handbags and shoes. “Just keep work clothes out and leave the rest in storage.”

“Sure and I’ll just sleep in my work clothes, too.” He says quietly to himself. He carefully cuts open the first box and looks over the stack of nicely folded shirts in air-tight bags, organized by color. He pushes the box to the side and moves onto the next box, that reads “Eddie: Miscellaneous” on the side in marker. This one might actually contain stuff he can get rid of to appease his wife.

His wife.

Eddie loves Myra. Of course he loves his wife. Eddie is a good man with a good job and goals and loves his wife very much. Myra was the perfect woman for him, exactly his type. He enjoys kissing her. He enjoys sleeping with her. She takes care of him. She loves him. Not a lot of people love Eddie, but Myra does. She’s his better half. She keeps him in check. Keeps him focused on what’s important. ...Which, would be her, he guesses?

The key to a healthy, successful marriage is repeating these things over and over again until they’re real, right?

He hears his lovely, selfless, caring wife strut out of the room towards their new living room.

He cuts open the “miscellaneous” box, full of clothes that are not in air-tight baggies nor are they organized by color. He can already smell age on them, possibly dust and mildew from sitting in his mother’s storage. He pulls a few items out, looking at them and then back inside the box. There’s not too many things in here, but it’s obvious they are not from his adulthood. He then examines the few clothing items he’s pulled out - an old fannypack (From when he was a kid, always carrying his meds around. That can go;) an old pair of pajamas (Myra will yell at him for wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas like a teenager. These can go;) a couple old polo shirts (From college, probably. And probably too small by now. They can go;), a zip-up hoodie…

The hoodie looks like it might fit. (But he never wears ash-gray, it’s too cheap-looking for his tastes.) It is a jacket hoodie, might be nice for layering in cold New York winters. He looks over its condition. It’s very worn, almost like it’s supposed to look vintage. One of the wrist cuffs is ripped open at the seam, like someone’s been shoving their fingers through it, something only an annoying kid would do. There’s also a rusty brown stain on the opposite cuff, which is undoubtedly blood. Ew. He looks at the zipper of the jacket, which is missing a metal tab, and extra difficult to zip. Okay, well that’s great. There is no size or manufacturer tag, it’s apparently been ripped out. The strings coming out of the hoodie near the neck are discolored and dingy, and ...are those bite marks at the plastic ends? Disgusting.

There are dark, hard spots around the edges of the pockets on the front. He rubs his thumb across them gently, and knows. They’re cigarette burns. Wow. Well, this definitely wasn’t his, he’s never smoked a day in his life. He would really like to not die of cancer, thank you very much.

His thoughts are abruptly cut short when Eddie subconsciously catches a whiff of the jacket. Undoubtedly, he smells cigarette smoke. Maybe even marijuana, which he’s never touched. But there’s more than that. He pulls the jacket closer to his face, closes his eyes, and smells.

Body spray. Not the nice cologne Eddie wears, but some kind of cheap, douchey-smelling body spray meant to impress girls. Wood. Burning wood, like a bonfire. And… sweat. Someone else’s sweat. Which really should be gross, and it sort of is first, but he keeps breathing it in. It’s an unidentifiable, masculine smell from someone this hoodie belonged to.

There’s something warm in his chest. His heart is pounding as he inhales the jacket’s bouquet over and over again.

“It’s one of my faves.” He can hear a voice say quietly, from somewhere dark in his brain.

His hands are shaking as he sets it down and wipes his hand across his mouth and nose, fidgeting. His mind is racing to identify where this jacket came from, but he can’t complete his mental search. There’s like, nothingness where he expects to find answers. He can feel sweat forming on his forehead and his throat getting tighter. What is happening? Is this an asthma attack? He hasn’t had an attack in years. He puts his hand on his chest and forces himself to breath at a steadier pace, in and out, in and out.

“Eddie-bear, you ok?” He’s startled for a moment. How long was Myra standing there?

He clears his throat. “Yes, dear, I’m okay.” Gotta make up something to throw her off, he doesn’t want her thinking he has ever smoked. She’d never let him live it down. “Just trying to figure out if this is clean or not.”

Myra rips the hoodie from his hand, Eddie grasps at it pathetically. “Why? What does it smell like?” She holds the hood of it up to her nose, then scrunches her face at it. “It doesn’t smell like anything. Just smells dirty.” She tosses it back to him. “Also, it’s torn up. Why do you still have it?” She steps across the wood floors back towards her precious closet. “Just throw it out.”

He knows already this isn’t even his jacket. He just… doesn’t understand why he has it. What he does know is getting rid of it is not an option. He needs this. He’s… supposed to return it, he thinks.

He decides that there is room for it. So he folds it tightly and sticks it in the back of his bottom dresser drawer, where he hopes Myra won’t ever notice it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Richie | 39

Richie wants to fall asleep. Everything will be easier if he just falls asleep. Everything will be over sooner if he just falls asleep.

He looks at his smart watch. It’s 2:40 a.m.

He’s lying on his bed in his LA home, naked except for his boxers, next to a stranger he has just had sex with. The sex was fine, pretty standard. She wasn’t interested in foreplay, which he doesn’t mind because he’s not good at pretending to enjoy it. He’s not really interested in her. She’s not interested in him either, he thinks. She’s probably just interested in writing about it on one of those bullshit ‘celebrity sex review’ blogs. A part of him kind of hopes, actually.

He’s sure of one thing: he wants her out of his home so he can continue to be miserable in peace.

The bed is shifting and he can feel a hand on his chest.

“You okay?” The stranger asks in an innocent voice that fools no one. She’s pretty enough. Rich, dark hair and brown eyes. Tanned skin and a nice body. He doesn’t remember her name or if they even actually talked at the bar. She knew who he was, and that was enough.

“Fuckin great.” He fakes a smile at her. She starts to snuggle against him, which is not the response he wanted. “Hey, listen, this was awesome, but I’m flying out early tomorrow.” He had really hoped to just doze off and deal with this in the morning. But his favorite lie usually worked to get these types of strangers out of his home, out of his life.

“Oh. Where are you going?” She rests her chin on his chest.

“...Chicago.”

“I love Chicago!” She giggles.

Another fake smile, but more difficult to pull of. “Yep.” And he gently moves from under her, leaning away.

“You should totally go to the giant silver bean and take selfies by it-”

“Listen, I gotta get up super early, so I’m gonna call you an Uber.” He lifts himself from the bed and walks across the bedroom to pull on a t-shirt.

“Oh? Okay.” She responds too happily. It’s irritating that she isn’t taking a hint. She gets up and begins pulling on her shorts and heels.

Richie heads to his nightstand, where he picks up his phone and requests an Uber to his Hollywood home. “‘Jerry’ will be here in six minutes in his ‘2015 Toyota Camry.’ He’ll take you wherever you want.” He’s not very good at hiding the fact that he doesn’t really care if she gets home, just as long as she goes.

He hears her ridiculously tall Stilettos click behind him and feels hands on his shoulders. “My number’s in your phone. Call me when you get back?”

Goddamn it, just go already. “Sure.”

Her arms drop to her sides and she makes an annoyed noise. She just got the hint.

His sexual guest struts across the living room towards the entryway, holding her bag and jacket. Richie can’t help but examine her ass as she walks, even though there’s no longer any mystery to what lies beneath her shorts. He scans the room for anything missing (he’s been robbed by a hot woman once or twice) and sees a bright pink bra and lacy top still lying on the couch. He  sees that she is wearing his shirt, on her way out.

Nuh-uh, no, NOPE, they are not playing this game. “Uh, sweetheart.” He whistles. She stops and turns to him, and he responds by eyeing her up-and-down. “Can I have my shirt back?”

She tests him with a coy smile. “Well, maybe I’ll bring it back to you?”

“No, no no no no no no, you can wear your own clothes home. That’s my favorite shirt.” He extends an arm and is flexing his fingers in a ‘gimme’ motion.

She’s taken aback, but comes back towards him to take off the shirt. Slowly. Presenting her tits.

They’re not that impressive. And she’s being annoying, so he’s done pretending to be charming.

He smirks, snatches the shirt from her hand, and then walks back towards his bedroom.

He can hear her shuffle to pick up her remaining clothes, her heels clicking across the floor. She scoffs. “So, that’s it?”

He doesn’t face her, he just raises a waving hand to gesture ‘goodbye.’ “That’s it!”

“Wow. Fuck you.” She spouts.

Richie tosses his shirt on his kitchen counter. Bless his open floor plan. “Yeah, thanks for that.”

She mockingly laughs and opens the front door. “You’re an asshole. And you’re not funny.”

“Okie dokes!” He says casually at her.

The Uber driver pulls up behind her in the driveway. “ASSHOLE!” She shrieks, and slams the door shut.

He slumps onto his stupidly-expensive couch and exhales in relief. “Yep. I sure am.”

He doesn’t know why he allows himself to get used by every horny fan he meets. (And “fan” is a generous term. None of them even give a shit about his comedy, they just know who he is and that he’s got a couple specials on Netflix.)

He should be grateful. He’s got everything he could ever want and need. He’s got a huge house, plenty of money, 156K followers on Instagram, more comedy special gigs on the way, may even go on tour with some big names. He’s got a shot at Saturday Night Live, his manager tells him. Not that Richie wants to move to New York. He doesn’t know anyone in New York.

Not that he knows anyone in LA, either. Just horny fans he meets in sleazy bars.

He should be grateful, and he knows that. But he’s just miserable. And alone.

He rubs his eyes under his glasses and lets them fall back onto his nose before he stands up to march himself to sleep. He grabs his shirt on the way back to his empty bedroom.

“Bitch thought she could take my favorite shirt.” And he flicks off the lightswitch.

[funface2]

110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews

Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

(Photo: Pexels.com)

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

Read more:

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

Read more:

115 of the best bad jokes

105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert

Classic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

(Photo: Pexels)

I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Read more:

51 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding

48 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

(Photo: Flickr)

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Cringe-worthy (but amusing) puns

Read more:

105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

And some jokes for the kids

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Read more:

110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

More jokes:

Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You 38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes 34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember 100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May 25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes 38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids 35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny) 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes 26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners 45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes 100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke 31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds 105 of the best bad jokes 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan 100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some hilarious quotes:

29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable 31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge Valentine’s poems: 32 most romantic quotes from history’s greatest poets 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes 41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes) 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults 29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

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from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/110-of-the-funniest-ever-jokes-and-best-one-liners-from-comedians-inews/

[thatguysamaniac-blog]

Every now and then a conversation sparks up round the water cooler at TGAM Towers that goes along the lines of someone asking "So is gaming mainstream yet?". Hours, insults, fisticuffs and a reminder on policy on worker in the work place later, inevitably the conclusion is a firm not yet.  We're not expecting an overnight transformation. But what would it take?  We have game inspired video games at the Box Office (okay so they're rarely great), Final Fantasy menus in restaurants, Splatoon and Pokemon collaboration ranges with Uniqlo, LEGO collaborations with Blizzard, Midway and SEGA. Museum exhibitions on video games, design and art. Gaming content seemingly dominates large swathes of the Internet from Youtube through to Youporn. Yet admitting that you choose to spend your time playing video games every now and then still feels, in the UK at least, akin to admitting that you strictly only eat the faces of babies because that's where the softest meat is.    When Does This Pre-Amble End? When it comes to the real world, specifically the high street, video games themselves have virtually no presence at all. In fact it's got worse since our budding interest grew in the 1990s. Arcades are all but dead, few cities have a dedicated game retailer (you might be able to find a grotty copy of NBA 2018 in one of those laptop/mobile repair shops), major supermarkets stock perhaps 4.5 games and media stores in general are critically endangered. TV never manged to 'get' gaming and even though Esports is making huge strides it's still not managed to topple the likes of darts, snooker and cricket from their prime time perches (or even get broadcast at all away from the Internet).  When we first got into gaming we'd wet our pants even when video games penetrated the mass media in the lamest ways from those Lucozade Tomb Raider ads. to the awful why-can't-anyone-crack-gaming-content-on-TV shows and even feigning support for those Resident Evil films when there was frankly nothing else on the horizon. However, now that Netflix is a national sport we're almost drowning in a rich and diverse soup of game-related content. Most of which is total pants. Some of which is bonkers and dare I say some might even have appeal beyond those who would call themselves a gamer (and cringes at the same time because nobody over the age of 12 unironically calls themselves a gamer). Gaming content is so prevalent on Netflix, it even has it's own category, two in fact! Does this mean gaming is mainstream yet? No you babyface eating monster it doesn't are you mad?  Gaming Shit Currently on UK Netflix (Alphabetically) The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 Okay so for all the hype up top, a lot of this stuff is cheesy kid's cartoons. This is a 30 year old cheesy cartoon loosely based on that hot new video game release Super Mario Bros. 3 and although a smidgen better than the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.... it's amazing this franchise didn't just die in the 90s. Remember King Koopa and Princess Toadstool? 13 episodes. 13 episodes too many.  Angry Birds Can any lawyers out there help? Is there some EU mandated law that means video game tie-in media has to come out decades after the thing it is based on became culturally irrelevant? Three seasons of this steaming mess and I've not got to the will to work out if this is related to the movie, the sequel movie out THIS YEAR(?), the toons series or how it will fit in with the WHO IS ASKING FOR THIS CONTENT 'long form' cartoon out in 2020. For those of you younger than 10, i.e. the target audience for this stuff, Angry Birds used to be a video game. Black Mirror Sometimes very video game inspired, sometimes not, this series makes us question our relationship with technology makes us feel even worse for prodding a phone screen and writing swears to other 14 year olds online. Recommended watching but not all in one go mind.  Castlevania Supposedly a decent anime version of the games. I've not watched all of it because I only played Castlevania 64 and Dawn of Sorrow and if you don't understand who any of the characters are, it's reaaalllly slow and boring. Worth a try if you actually have engaged with the critically acclaimed series unlike us.  Digimon Fusion Ergh. Dirty. No. Bad Mega Bloks. No. Dinosaur King Ahhh dinosaur games. Archaeologists have found ancient scrolls that record the Dinosaur King was actually a video game and collectible card game from 2005. This is the series from 2008 that absolutely is not based on Pokemon at all and mixes anime style and really really bad looking CGI.   Final Fantasy XIV: Dad of Light Okay, this series is actually brilliant. Remember how Pinball Wizard was a feature movie advert for Super Mario Bros. 3? Well this is a series length advert for Final Fantasy XIV told through the heart warming story of an awkward Japanese man and his awkward relationship with his awkward recently retired Dad and he tries to rebuild that relationship by getting him into Final Fantasy XIV because they used to play Final Fantasy together. Each week is a new challenge as his Dad quits because of a mechanic he doesn't understand that helpfully his son and his guildmates help explain. Passable on it's own but elevated to must watch by a few scenes that use familiar Final Fantasy sounds that get this glorified advert tugging on the heart strings.  Halo Shit Includes Halo 4: Forward Until Dawn, Halo Legends and Halo Fall of Reach. The first one is live action and frankly awful. Legends is to Halo what Animatrix was to the Matrix and worth a watch. I've watched Halo: Fall of Reach six or seven times and I can't tell you what happens so try it perhaps? Hi Score Girl Weird anime homage to early arcades told through the relationship of a nerdy arcade kid and an aloof posh girl who is very good at video games but not allowed to play them at home. Watch if you you always wondered about turtling in Street Fighter 2 but didn't actually look it up in the last 30 years. Probably very nostalgic for 30 something Japanese gamers. Which isn't us.  Ingress the Animation I've impressed myself that I didn't miss this. Remember Ingress the AR mobile game that nobody had heard of  until it got a Pokemon Go reskin? No neither did I. Well apparently someone along the way believed so strongly in the Ingress vision that they commissioned an anime series in 2018. Really slow. Extremely Japanese. If the game was anything like this then we can understand why nobody has heard of it.  Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV (NO LONGER AVAILABLE) This appears to have been pulled which is a shame as it was alright. Apparently, I'm reliably told the events of this film are really important to the context of the game and only told in this film. Errr tough anyway you missed it here.  Minecraft Story Mode Fuck off. Pacman and the Ghostly Adventures Perhaps takes the award for being the least relevant television tie-in ever. We got two seconds in before reaching for the revolver and the sweet release of a bullet kiss to the brain. All the tropes of Saturday morning cartoons with none of the charisma. Remarkably there's also a Halloween and Christmas Merry Berry short to make both of those holidays even more intolerable. Brilliant soundtrack though.   Pixels Probably the best worst video game related movie of all time. I'm not sure who the audience was when it came out and with each year gets more and more obscure. It stays the same amount of crap though which is a lot of crap.    Pokemon Want to watch only the first and last series of the anime and whatever random films seem to be on Netflix at the time? Knock yourself out. For us this is the UK being shit at commercialising this shit at its worst. Its very worst. The entirety of Pokemon has never been available in the UK at the same time ever. We never got VHS/DVD releases for most series or cinematic releases for some of the films. The Pokemon TV app frustratingly cycles episodes in and out and bizarrely Netflix is missing the middle 91 seasons and the first 38 films. It doesn't fucking matter anyway every episode is the same except the latest season where every episode is the same but set in a school BECAUSE WE'RE ALL CHILDREN AND WE FIND SCHOOL SUPER RELATABLE. There's also a creepy birthday video, hilariously with characters from a season otherwise not available on Netflix. Is it too much to ask to employ one person part-time to curate this shit? Rabbids Invasion File under striking whilst the iron is... you know what, I can't hate on the Rabbids. I really want to but honestly they're brilliant and most of their games are too. Probably brilliant. Strangely only the 4th season is available...?  Red Vs Blue The series that built the house of goofing around in games. Early seasons have not aged well at all. How did we put up with the awful sound and even worse 'plot'? 124 seasons of this madness though so if you're in palliative care and want to speed things along...   Resident Evil: Afterlife Hysterically, only the middle film is available serving the incredibly niche audience of people who like the Milaverse Resident Evil films but are four films behind.  Skylanders Academy Remember the smash hit wallet biting Toys to Life game series that ran itself and all the imitators into the ground from 2011 to 2016 and now fill attics and sheds the world over? Well now you can enjoy the 2018 animated series with all handfuls of your favourite characters. Set in a high school. There's also a weird 1 minute long happy birthday message thing that a lot of the kid's shows have done on Netflix so if you really hate your kid and want to let them know you should show them that on their birthday I guess.  Smosh the Movie Is this video games? They look cuntish enough to be Youtubers and this movie is exactly as awkward as you'd expect when Youtubers try to do something proper with make up, production values and nice cameras. Like that *cringes* Game Grumps series. Or when that *mega cringes* green haired kid did that Fortnite dance at that thing. Suggested watching if you're need that extra push to do the right thing and end yourself before it all gets a bit Fallouty round here. Sonic Boom This is the weird one that all the furries like. Tomb Raider I think the rebooted film before the current reboot? Is casting ladies from the North of the UK to be Lara Croft still a thing? In this movie Lara Croft, I kid you not, is a Deliveroo driver and... it does pick up from there but in a very formulaic and inoffensive kinda way. Video Game High School (NO LONGER AVAILABLE) And be fucking thankful. What if instead of lessons at school you played different video games? Live action series with hands down one of the worst cast of actors of all time. Ridiculous premise (which of course later sort of became real with several Universities running esports programmes) glad it got removed to be honest. Yokai Watch The new new Pokemon with 80% less appeal. Not 100% sure the game series is still going. Children's Shows and Toilet Contents So there we have it. No doubt there's a few I missed and some of this may have disappeared by the time you're reading this. A rich smorgasbord of children's cartoons and questionable content that got a pass because it's video games. At the time of writing, there's virtually no adult content and currently no documentaries. Which is a shame. If they wanted, Netflix could become the de facto place for curated traditionally produced gaming related content from Street Fighter live action movie and animated series, the CG Resident Evil Films, Pinball Wizard, King of Kong, Silent Hill one and two, the Dead Space films etc. etc. Instead it seems that they're content to maintain this weird ever changing half complete line up of irrelevant at launch factory manufactured kid's shows and single films from a series. Perhaps they are right though, there's no point competing with YouTube and Twitch which now host infinity hours worth of quality content that gamers are already spending millions of pounds on supporting. Is gaming mainstream yet? Looks like we need to wait until one of the grumpy white middle class hacks at the Guardian produces an op-ed on why they're giving up on Rabbids Invasion despite everyone at dinner parties talking about it or how Smosh the Movie made them bicurious one evening.  It's perhaps better to stay in the margins of the old media whilst defining new media (at a ripe young 40), after all REALLY PUNCHY FINISHER. Right?

http://www.thatguys.co.uk/2019/07/gaming-shit-on-netflix.html

[nei-ning]

2 nights ago I had a dream that I found black kitten who had got stuck in its harness. I managed to free it more or less and since it looked good, I let it go on its own. In next day I met a woman who mentioned this black kitten, saying it was hers and it had escaped. Now I was mentally kicking myself for not taking the kitten in like I thought first. Next day I spent looking for the kitten in this weird area and I managed to find it! However it was looking worse than before, still having harness on. It also had 2 holes on left back paw. It was snake bite. I had other woman with me now and she told me we should take the kitten to near by hospital and I was like; “Why you want to take kitten to human hospital? He needs a vet!” but this woman insisted us to take the kitten there because humans knew how to deal with snake bite. And this big hospital was more closer to us. So we went to hospital and went to info point, but the nurse there just gave us her back, starting to walk away. I got furious! From deep in my throat I growled at her loud yelling as loud as I could with super raspy and angry voice; “This kitten needs help! He’s going to die if you won’t help it!” and this woman turned to look at me like I was nuts, but she also was afraid so she took the kitten. Later I met the family who owned the kitten, but apparently they had got the news that the kitten hadn’t made it. It had been too long already when it had got bitten. I felt so bad and sad to see that woman crying since loosing a pet is heavy blow to me. After this I woke up. ****

Last night I had a dream where I was in some future spaceship and there was one tall older man with a woman. They instantly were suspicious to me. At some point I went to spy them and found them in one room and they had some weird teleport thingy floating above them like a portal hole. Inside it I could see Kazuya Mishima. I realized these 2 were evil people, especially the man, and they were going to bring Kazuya in this spaceship / space building.

My old neighbor appeared next to me, escorting me in small room where was few small levels and he took me to upper level, having a box in his hands. We sat down on chairs near weird and small “half kitchen” and he told me he had a cake for me (because it was supposed to be my birthday). He opened the box and he had cake in there but it was sideways and the texture was weird. I took a piece with my fingers, but I didn’t eat it. Instead I thanked him and left, him protesting me leaving. He wanted me to stay, but I had better things to do. I went to find that man with woman again, and one the way I spotted a cage where was more or less invisible space creature. It was small, but massive, purple being with rat like feet, tail, having few small tentacles on its back, red/yellow eyes being outside of his head some. It had wounds and blood all over it and it was obviously aggressive / dangerous so I left. Not far from him I spotted open area at corner kind of space in the spaceship and there was this man and woman. Above the woman was floating Kazuya in vertical way on his back. They had started to teleport him. Kazuya reached his hand down, pressing device on woman’s left arm and the teleport hole disappeared, Kazuya still floating in the air. He was now in the ship so I took and ran. Because I know what Kazuya can do, ahah :’D

I went in small room and there was black-white bike, quite big, on the stand of some sort. it was on it side ways, front wheel pointing up towards the ceiling. I climb high on the stand so that I could get the bike on my bag since it was more than just a bike. It was also a weapon and I knew how to use it. Suddenly there’s stairs and open hallway areas behind and under the bike stand and I hear a voice call me. I look down and there’s 90′s tmnt movie Raphael.

“Come here!” He keeps repeating that until I have a bike on my back and I go to him. He seems pissed as he leads the way up to the stairs. I don’t remember what he keeps saying, but I keep my voice calm and down when I said to him at one point; “You shouldn’t be angry when going to rescue your friends.” He shut up. He knew I hit the spot but it didn’t stop him stomping the stairs up. We ended up on some forest road and I could feel the bike falling from my back so we stopped. With us is another lady now. I feel her at my right on the back. She’s young with blond hair to her shoulders.

Raphael comes right behind me, telling me to stay still. He starts to place cardboard box with something in it above my head where’s part of the bike to keep it balanced. I keep whispering to him my apologies for being such a burned. Over and over again he says with softer voice it’s alright and I shouldn’t worry about it. He now comes to my left, pushing big and soft pillow like thingy from the bike towards my mouth. “Bite it.” He said. I bit it until he told me I could release my hold. It was some sort of lock system.

After this I see all turtles (from 90′s movie) on spaceship and the ground beneath us looks like Earth. They had been captured so apparently Raphael went to the rescue, managing to save his brothers. They all were so happy, hugging each other before looking up. However at one point Leonardo was stuck in some goo thing on the ship and when Raphael, partly, freed him, they shared such lovely and happy smile before hugging. It seems they all had been away from each other a long time. And there also was a part where Raphael actually was stuck in the same goo instead of Leo and when Leo freed Raphael, he gave playful bite on the mechanic wing what Raphael was wearing (he had needed them to fly on the ship or something). Anyway, after many confusing repeats from this moment (of seeing brothers being happily rescued and reunited) I was back in the spaceship. I was sitting on my seat and my sister was sitting a bit further away from me. She was super pissed that I had gone on adventure on my own, missing our first flight back to Earth. I tried to talk to her, but some tall mustard coloring alien yelled at me not to talk to her since she didn’t want to talk to me.

So I left my seat, deciding I didn’t want to go back if this was the case. I ran in one small room and hid in the corner near by the doors. I now noticed there was another person / alien opposite to me and that invisible alien from earlier was now loose. It had escaped and I saw it attack on this person. It was quick and deadly. Then it targeted on me and it only managed to injure my right eyelid slightly before it died. That woman, who worked for this evil man who brought Kazuya to the ship, stood there. She killed the alien obviously. However I noticed she held syringe in her hand as she knelt next to me, taking gentle hold on my right lid. I held back my tears as I kept thanking her because she was not evil. She gave me a shot to my lid (I have no idea what it was) and left. After this I woke up.