#apparently clown said this on a stream

[jazzzzzzhands]

Thinking about a time when Clown said that one of the first things Wally learned was how to hold things gently, carefully. So that he didn't break them

[fastandcarlos]

Soft Launch : ̗̀➛ Lando Norris

summary: follow the journey of lando’s soft launch to reveal your relationship

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by oscarpiastri, danielricciardo and 1,302,382 others

landonorris: one shoulder up or two 🤔

67,505 comments

username1: anyone else notice the person who accidentally walked in midway through the stream tonight!?

username2: lando definitely had a girl over…

alex_albon: you must be desperate for content if this is what you’re posting 🙄

username3: why won’t you tell us who was round your apartment lando??

georgerussell63: how about neither of your elbows up you weird man

username4: I keep replaying it but I can’t work out anything about them…

username5: what if lando has a secret girlfriend or something

danielricciardo: you know it’s okay to look at a photo and change your mind about posting it

username6: not everyone rinsing lando in the comments 😂

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by georgerussell63, carlossainz55 and 1,937,605 others

landonorris: life’s been pretty good recently ☀️

58,391 comments

username7: any particular reason why that might be mr lando norris

carlossainz55: care to elaborate? 🤔

landonorris: @/carlossainz55 zooming over to ferrari now to fill you in

username8: wonder if it’s pretty good because of someone??

georgerussell63: glad to see you with a smile on your face buddy 🫶🏻

username9: is he hinting that this new girl has made his life better??

maxverstappen1: I wanna know all of the gossip too 😂

username10: I’d love to be the reason for lando’s smile fyi

username11: I’m more interested to know who even took these photos

oscarpiastri: I’m fed up of this new version of you, you’re too smiley to have around the garage now

landonorris: @/oscarpiastri sorry not sorry 🙃

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by team_quadrant, maxfewtrell and 1,492,606 others

landonorris: apparently if you find a girl who likes quadrant, she’s definitely a keeper ✨

78,301 comments

username12: this sounds like confirmation to me that lando has a girl

team_quadrant: girls who like quadrant = girls with good taste

username13: do you reckon that’s her in the photo ☺️

danielricciardo: ik a better brand of clothes that they could wear 😂

landonorris: @/danielricciardo quadrant > enchante 🤫

username14: really hoping this new girl likes quadrant so she can stick around forever

username15: I like quadrant…does that make me your girlfriend now??

charles_leclerc: I like quadrant but you’re not willing to date me…

username16: @/charles_leclerc also not a girl you clown

oscarpiastri: if I do a photo shoot with you do I get free merch too?

pierregasly: why am I so invested in being part of lando’s comment section lmao

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1 and 1,594,706 others

landonorris: thank you for bringing so much positivity into my life 🫶🏻🥺

89,394 comments

danielricciardo: you’re welcome honey 😇

landonorris: @/danielricciardo you wish that I was talking to you

username17: look how perfect they look together wow

username18: it’s official, he’s actually managed to get a girlfriend

georgerussell63: congrats on not being the single friend anymore 👏🏻

carlossainz55: little lando norris finally got himself a girlfriend 😂

username19: I want to be happy but I so wish that this was me

username20: the look on his face 😭 I’m so happy he’s happy

charles_leclerc: if you want some tips on how to be a good boyfriend just zoom back to ferrari again

username21: my heart is so full - cheering for these guys all the way!!

username22: constantly telling myself not to be bitter that my dreams now won’t come true

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by mclaren, charles_leclerc and 1,395,604 others

landonorris: race weekend with a first timer, luckily for her she picked the best team to support 🧡🏎️

89,483 comments

maxverstappen1: did she get a choice or did you force her to do this??

landonorris: @/maxverstappen1 she said she wanted to support the team with the most handsome driver 💁🏻‍♂️

oscarpiastri: @/landonorris she thinks I’m handsome awh

landonorris: @/oscarpiastri 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

username23: how have we not got a face reveal when she was literally at the race

username24: I never had lando down for a soft launch kinda guy

danielricciardo: did you even introduce her to all the teams on the grid, you know, let her make her on mind up??

username25: whoever she is she knows how to rock papaya

username26: omg the height difference is the sweetest

logansargeant: I remember when I used to hug you and you’d rest against my chest like that 😂

alex_albon: look at you being all cute and charming

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by maxfewtrell, danielricciardo and 1,022,494 others

landonorris: holidaying with my favourites 🌊☀️

89,504 comments

username27: eurgh lando you’re killing us with all these almost photos

maxfewtrell: I’m the number one out of the two of us though right??

landonorris: @/maxfewtrell whatever makes you feel better sweet cheeks

username28: my heart can’t cope with this for much longer

oscarpiastri: so you holidayed with your favourites and yet I’m here at home 🤔

username29: lando replacing oscar with his girlfriend is peak

username30: lando knows what he’s doing and this is so not fair

username31: I bet he’s laughing at all of us when he looks at his comments section

alex_albon: it’s alright for some 😂

username32: lando I’m on my knees pls just tell us more about who this lucky girl is

georgerussell63: I think your fans might turn on you soon if you don’t stop playing them 😂

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by oscarpiastri, georgerussell63 and 1,302,493 others

landonorris: another race weekend with my best human there to cheer me on 💕☺️

99,398 comments

username33: FINALLY HE GAVE US WHAT WE WANT

username34: omg she’s absolutely gorgeous lando

username35: we won at last woooooo

alex_albon: still can’t believe your girlfriend supports mclaren 😭

oscarpiastri: don’t forget who the most handsome mclaren driver is tho 😂

username36: they look so in love together 💞

username37: I want to be jealous but how can I be when they look so cute

lilymhe: we’re double dating asap btw

danielricciardo: they don’t prepare you for when the kids grow up 🤧

landonorris: @/danielricciardo sorry dad 😭

username38: my heart has officially exploded 😂

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

liked by ynusername, danielricciardo and 1,948,502 others

landonorris: whoops they caught us 🥺

tagged: ynusername

138,849 comments

username39: these two are gonna be such a duo omg

username40: ah and he even tagged her 🤩🤩🤩

danielricciardo: my kids are the cutest things in the world

carlossainz55: smooooth operator 😂😂

landonorris: @/carlossainz55 high praise from you my friend 🫡

username41: thank goodness that the soft launch era is now over

username42: I’m already in love with them so much

username43: I don’t want to be yn anymore, I just want to be her best friend

charles_leclerc: congrats buddy 👏🏻👏🏻

alex_albon: stop making the rest of us feel single even though we’re also in relationships please

ynusername: ily 🥺🥺🥺

˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

˗ˏˋ 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 ! ´ˎ˗

[forzarma]

makeup disaster

pairing: lando norris x fem!reader

summary: lando Doing your makeup on stream what could possibly go wrong?

warnings:haven’t proofread 😞

You joined Lando while he was streaming last week, and both of you were playing a game. Well, you lost, which means you’re gonna let him do your makeup on his next stream.

Both of you sat, and you got your makeup essentials that you’re gonna have to use for this stream, hoping Lando wouldn’t freestyle your face considering the fact he doesn’t know anything about makeup.

“Hello chat,” he said while looking at the computer, “so apparently I’m doing your makeup,” giving a cheeky smile.

“I’m regretting this already, omg,” you said, laughing nervously.

“Anyways, first thing, I guess primer ’cause you have been nagging about killing me if I don’t put it first,” Lando said.

You rolled your eyes playfully at him.

He started tapping your face aggressively.

“Ouch, Lando,” you said, giving him a stern look.

“I’m trying, okay?” he said, looking at you innocently.

“Anyways, I think we need to use this,” he said while holding your foundation and your beauty blender.

He blended your foundation, and you were thanking god that he was doing good for now. Well, your happiness didn’t last long when you saw him taking your setting powder and putting it over your face.

“Wait, Lando—“ you were trying to tell him he should put concealer, but all you heard was “SHUSH.” You gave him a literal side-eye.

And then he had the audacity to put concealer after what the hell????

Looking at the mirror, all you could see is your cakey face.

He opened your eyeshadow palette and took a bright blue and started putting it over your eyes.

Then he picked your blush, PAINTED your face with it, making you look like a tomato.

Then he got the liquid eyeliner and hummed, “this is interesting,” and decided to literally act like your eyes are drawing papers.

He gave his attention to the chat, reading it, and people saying that’s not how he should put things, just for him to say, “nah, y’all are just wrong, I know what I’m doing.”

He took the lip liner, he put it on your lips, and gloss.

“Alright chat, that’s the finished look,” he said, looking proud as if he did an achievement.

“You did terrible, Lando,” you said, looking at him.

“You know, I did good, better than you do,” he muttered.

“Alright, I hope you guys enjoyed this stream and don’t fall in love with my makeup skills ’cause,” he said, smirking, then he ended the stream.

After ending the stream, Lando turned to you with a cheeky grin. "Alright love, let me help get that makeup off you. Can't have you walking around looking like a clown all night!" 

You playfully hit his arm. "Whose fault is that?" You retorted with a laugh. Lando gently took a makeup wipe and started dabbing at your face, his touches soft and caring as he removed the remains of his "artwork." 

"There we are, much better." He smiled, gazing into your eyes. You felt yourself getting lost in his stare, all thoughts of the disastrous makeup attempt melting away. 

Suddenly , you leaned in and pressed your lips to his in a sweet kiss. Lando made a small noise of surprise but quickly melted into the kiss, cupping your cheek tenderly as he kissed you back. The spark between you that had been building for so long was finally igniting. 

When you finally broke apart, Lando rested his forehead against yours, breathing heavily. "Well, I may not be able to do makeup but at least I know how to do that," he whispered with a wink. You giggled, feeling giddy and light. It seemed the stream had ended on a much sweeter note than anticipated. Your "punishment" had turned out to be quite the reward after all.

[porcelana-r0ta]

JOYRIDE

Fandoms: Batman, Danny Phantom

Relationship: Dan Phantom/Jason Todd

Word Count: 3,823

Ao3 Link: Available only to registered users

Summary:

Dan doesn't want to join his Habitudes group for their dumb community service project, which is why he lets two idiot goons kidnap him off the streets. When said goons turn out to work for The Joker, Dan decides to do something about him, maniac to maniac.

Or: The Joker tries to live stream a ransom, but ends up live streaming his own execution.

xxXxx

When Dan Nightingale is grabbed off the streets of Gotham, he makes a half-hearted struggle, just so he can seem human. The kiddie hero business and the indiscriminate genocidal tendencies no longer call to him like they used to, and while he’s still an impatient person who is intolerant of disruptive bullshit, he needs a little excitement in his life. 

Plus, he wants an excuse to get out of his Habitudes community service project. His pretentious trust fund baby groupmates chose to volunteer at some fucking coffee shop instead of something normal, like a hospital or an animal shelter. (Dan didn’t even know a coffee shop was an option, but anything goes for wealthy elites who want to roleplay as an impoverished barista, apparently.) Well, Jay Peters wasn’t so bad, and he was just as irritated as Dan was about the others’ choice. Plus, the chill that settles into Dan’s unused lungs when the other student is around shows that he’s at least Death-touched like him, even if they’ve never acknowledged that to each other. 

So, yeah. He lets himself be kidnapped by two goons, even if he could easily break free and make their insides their outsides. It could be interesting! Enrichment in his pandimensional parole! Everyone’s got to have fun sometimes! It’s like a little joyride, as a treat! But he isn’t the one committing the crime! How quaint!

Dan is a very polite captive. He lets himself be pulled into a creeper van with minimal resistance. He lets the goons zip tie his hands. He lets them put a black bag over his head, even though it smells of weed. He doesn’t count the number of turns they take, nor does he try to talk them into letting him go. In fact, he doesn’t say anything. When they eventually park, he allows the men to pull him out of the creeper van and into some building—likely a warehouse, judging by the echo of their footsteps on the floor. And finally, he lets the goons cut off the zip ties around his wrists and then tie them to the metal arms of a chair. 

He’s a great captive. And he’s so going to be excused from that stupid Habitudes community service project!

He’s content to sit and wait. The Bats of Gotham City usually have a good response time for villain bullshit, and if they don’t, then it’s not like any Fear gas or sex pollen will affect him. Dan’s not really human anymore, even if he is capable of looking so. 

Dan does not have to wait long. The footsteps increase and then stop altogether, and then a cackle fills the air. “Camera man ready? Mics? Charges?” The voice is familiar, yet grating. Where has he heard it before? In his past future, maybe?

“Yes, sir,” comes the reply from several different people. 

A pleased cackle, “Then let’s get started!”

“We are live in three… two…” 

At the silent one, the cackle echoes through the room once again. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen of Gotham City and beyond! I’m your favorite Joker, LIVE! With one of your favorite Wayne children!” 

Dan, who has been relatively chill this whole time, tenses. The Joker. That’s why he recognizes that cackle and voice. He had killed the clown before in his original timeline. Ugh, clowns. He fucking hates clowns. Hates their stupid pale makeup and their stupid dumb wigs and their exaggerated eyes and he fucking hates how they make him feel like he’s not in control. 

And what was that about a Wayne? 

Dan doesn’t think killing someone like The Joker in his original timeline should be held against him. Honestly, the guy is a megalomaniacal terrorist who abuses the guise of mental illness to get away with crimes against humanity. Dan had at least owned up to his own sanity, and never tried to hide from the law or anything like that. He just kind of… killed the law. 

….ACAB? 

A hand suddenly grips at the bag on his head, grabbing hair with fabric. “That’s right, folks! Here’s Gotham’s beloved Dick Grayson!” The bag is yanked off his head, revealing Dan in all his scowling glory. And Dan is a lot of things, but an exact Dick Grayson copy he is not, so while the goons may have mistaken him as Grayson, The Joker does not. 

He pauses, studying Dan’s face. Dan raises a mocking eyebrow, then looks around the warehouse. 

It’s empty and dimly lit, but it’s not a problem for his superior vision. The metal walls are an ugly beige and the floor is a gray cement, its color only broken by mysterious brown stains, and now the discarded black bag. Dan is up against a wall, surrounded by filming equipment. The camera in question is just a fucking iPhone 12 attached to a ring light. There’s one goon behind the camera, moderating the live stream. There is another goon holding a boom mic above Dan and The Joker, and there are four others behind the camera. All of the goons who are not handling equipment are holding toy musket guns. It is probably safe to assume that there are similarly armed goons guarding the doors that Dan cannot see from his position tied to a chair. Likely two goons per exit. In a warehouse of this size, there have to be at least six more goons that Dan isn’t seeing. 

The Joker grits his teeth. “Who brought the Grayson kid here.” It’s not a question so much as it is a demand. 

“We did, boss,” two goons pipe up proudly from behind the camera. 

“Why don’t you two come up on camera so I can congratulate you for good work?” The Joker grins beseechingly. 

One of the two goons, the blond, shuffles nervously at this, whereas the other puffs out his chest. So only one has any brain cells. 

The prideful one grabs his comrade by the arm and drags him up to the camera with Dan and The Joker. They stand in front of Dan, blocking him from the camera’s view.

“I always reward good work, you see,” he says to his henchmen. “Now, you think this is good work?” 

“Yes, sir,” says Pride, while Blond frowns. 

“Take a good look at his face.” The villain gestures angrily to Dan’s unimpressed face. “What do you see?” 

“Dick Grayson, sir,” 

Blond shuffles, “He looks like he isn’t scared.” 

“No! Wrong! This isn’t Dick Grayson! This– This is some—” The Joker takes another glance at Dan, noting the black Gotham U hoodie that hides his muscles. “This is some fucking college twink!”

“Twink?” Dan mutters to himself, disgruntled. Sure, the hoodie is baggy and he’s seated instead of standing, but do those two things add up to him looking like a twink? 

The color has drained out of even Pride’s face at The Joker’s words. “Sir, please—”

But The Joker is already pulling out a comically large toy gun that probably has real bullets, and Dan sighs. It would probably be bad for his parole if he let a bunch of humans die in front of him. 

He phases out of the ropes binding him, safe from view with the two idiots in front of him. Then, he kicks The Joker down to the floor, sending the toy gun scattering across the cement floor of the warehouse. He stands and knocks Pride and Blond’s heads together, knocking them out as The Joker screeches with rage. 

The goons behind the camera aim their guns, but Dan is already moving behind the camera. He snags the guns out of their hands, snapping them in half with strength he doesn’t even have to think about. He moves so fast that at first they don’t even realize what’s happened. By the time they connect their missing firearms to the broken bits of metal on the floor, Dan has already clobbered them over the head, knocking them unconscious. 

He takes out the cameraman, too, and the goon holding the boom mic. Then, in mere seconds, he takes out all the goons at each exit, and he’s back at the filming station by the time The Joker has staggered to his feet. His original estimate had been off by two—there were eight other goons in total. 

Dan checks the iPhone—still live streaming. On TikTok, of all the goddamn apps. The comments are going wild on what’s going on: where’s the college student, how did he kick The Joker like that, do you guys think that those two goons have brain damage now, what was that metal scraping sound, where is The Joker? 

“Hey, brat!” snarls The Joker, clutching at his ribs. “That was not part of the script.”

Dan hates clowns, and he especially hates The Joker. Sure, Dan wiped out nearly all of humanity. Who doesn’t have a bad decade of villainous activity? But he did it quickly, and he didn’t do it under the guise of insanity. He owned up to it. And if Dan’s being honest, he’s… disgusted by it all now, even if it hurts himself to admit. 

If Dan isn’t human, then neither is The Joker. 

Still off camera, Dan moves so fast he basically teleports in front of The Joker. The other man stumbles back, but Dan reaches out and grabs him by the throat. He chokes and claws at Dan, but Dan isn’t human anymore, and so his nails catch on nothing but the cloth of his hoodie. He doesn’t even feel it.

He drags The Joker to the chair in front of the still live camera and shoves him into it. While he recovers from being choked, gasping and shuddering and so fucking human , Dan forces his hands behind him and uses the ropes he’d phased out of to tie The Joker up. When he ties the last knot, Dan stands tall, staring into the camera. 

“Hello, friends and family,” he greets the audience. He gives a small smile, and he makes sure that he is perfectly, utterly human with normal blue eyes and normal black hair and normal human skin. “As you can see, things have turned around for The Joker here. Now, I’m sure his original intent was to ransom out the Wayne kid, and it would be a shame to see that hard work and planning go to waste on a mistake, wouldn’t it? So why don’t we hold a… reverse ransom? Only, I don’t need funds. I’ll accept donations. My venmo is vladsucks03. My cashapp is dannight07.”

Dan’s smile grows into a wide grin. “Feel free to donate if you like. But even not a single person donates, The Joker dies today.” 

The Joker spits out a gasping laugh, “Ha! You think you can kill me? I gotta admit, that’s a good joke. But Batman—”

“Batman what?” Dan asks, stepping off camera to grab the black bag on the floor. He shoves it halfway into his pocket. He walks to The Joker’s toy gun, the only one he hadn’t broken, and he picks it up. 

“Batman is already on his way here,” The Joker says. “He always is by this point.”

“And Batman will save you?” Dan snorts. He moves to check the live stream, comments coming in so fast that the only reason he can read them is because he’s not human anymore. 

Is this for real

fuck yeah kill that guy

💥🔫🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

extremely common gotham uni W

im donating 50$ rn

Can we vote on how joker dies

Lol does he fr think that batman would help him

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Does anyone else find this incredibly attractive or is it just me 😳

guys my joker/batman fic update is gonna slap after this

Joker’s cooked

bro is about to have ao3 level donations

Hey what’s his cashapp again

Omg i think that guy is in my bio class

I’ll donate when hes acc dead

doin god's work 🥹👍

If bro doesnt do it he’s cooked

This guy is gonna have infinite rizz if he pulls this off

The Joker scoffs, “Of course he will. He’s done it before.”

Dan yanks his gaze from the comments to The Joker’s face, “What?”

The Joker nods his head up arrogantly. “Batsy can’t live without me. He saved me after fickle-ickle Nightwing killed me.” 

“Huh.” Dan blinks consideringly, switching his gaze back to the comments. They’re all freaking out about this new information. He steps back into the camera frame, pulling the hammer back on the toy gun. “Then I’ll just have to make sure it sticks.” 

He points the gun at The Joker’s face and fires. As expected, rainbow confetti is the only thing that flies out, dusting over The Joker in celebration of what is to come. 

The Joker laughs. 

“Cute,” says Dan. He walks around The Joker to stand behind him, directly in front of the camera. He removes the black bag from his pocket and puts it over The Joker’s face. 

He shoves the muzzle of the gun into the back of The Joker’s skull. Pulling back the hammer, he asks, “Any last words?” 

He pulls the trigger before The Joker can say anything. It’s funny. As expected, the second gunshot is a real bullet. The Joker’s head and body jerks forward. Blood splatters on Dan’s face, but it’s mostly on the floor and the unconscious Blond and Pride and on The Joker himself. 

For a moment, Dan can only stare. The Joker’s body is crumbled in on itself, held up only by the bindings on his arms to a chair nailed to the ground. 

He feels big. He feels good. 

He feels… dirty.

He clears his throat. He drops the gun. He lifts up the soaking black bag up just enough to check for a pulse. After thirty seconds of nothing, he says, “Well, that’s the end of The Joker.” 

He looks up, staring into the camera lens, and he chuckles. “I missed my community service project because of this bozo. You guys think my professor will accept this as community service?”

You guys think this will affect my ghost parole? he doesn’t ask. 

He bends down to check the pockets of Blond. He finds his phone and uses Blond’s thumbprint to bypass the password. His stomach curdles at the home screen—a picture of Blond and a little girl with his eyes and his nose. His eyes burn and he calls 911, trying not to blink.

“911 dispatch. What is your emergency?”

“Yeah, uh, I killed The Joker. But he kidnapped me first, so. Turnabout.” 

“You�� sorry, you what?”

“I killed The Joker. He’s dead. I checked his pulse and everything.”

“O-oh.” The woman on dispatch sounds strangled. There are muffled sounds, frantic, that the receiver only barely picks up. Dan wonders what she’s doing, Asking for verification? Trying to triangulate his location? Celebrating the fucking good news? “Do you know where you are, sir?”

“Some warehouse, I guess. Probably at the docks. Do you want me to check?”

“No, sir, please stay where you are if there are no immediate threats.”

“Got it.” He clicks his tongue. 

“Can you tell me your name, sir? Are you injured somewhere?”

“I’m Dan. Uh, Dan Nightingale. I guess he thought I was the Grayson kid. Um. Dick Grayson, I mean. And no, I’m fine. His henchmen are injured and unconscious, though.” 

“Right. Okay. Hi, Dan. I’m Claire. First responders and patrol units are on their way to your location now.”

“Well, that’s good, I guess.” He almost wants to ask if she thinks that he’ll end up in Arkham for this, but he’s pretty sure that there’s no jury on Earth that would convict him. Well, maybe not. He did ask for donations for murdering The Joker, after all. That might put a damper on his defense. 

“Dan?” asks Claire. 

“Yeah?”

“Is– is he really dead?”

Dan looks at the body and kicks a limp leg, avoiding looking at the gory black bag. Nothing. “Yep. As a doornail.” And he knows death intimately. 

She breathes a shaky, staticky sigh into the receiver. “Thank you, Dan.”  

He blinks, “Can you get fired for saying that?”

She laughs, “Honey, everyone not on break right now is listening to this. My boss just broke a bottle of tequila out from his desk.” 

He barks out his own laugh. “Oh?”

“You’re about to be very popular, Dan.”

“Well, I—” 

And seventeen minutes late to the party, the windows at the top of the warehouse shatter open. In cascades of broken glass and grappling cables, the Bats drop down to the floor. 

“Away from the body,” commands Batman as soon as his feet hit the ground. His little birdies, Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, and the newest Robin fall in line with him. Robin makes quick work of rounding up the unconscious goons and binding them. 

Dan obligingly puts the hand that isn’t holding the phone up in the air, but before moving away from the camera’s view, he says, “Just a reminder guys, my venmo is vladsucks03 and my cashapp is dannight07. Please remember that I might need a lawyer soon.”

“Okay, funny guy,” Nightwing says, entering into frame and pulling Dan away by the shoulder while Red Robin shuts down the live stream.

“It was self-defense and defense of another. A whole population, if you will,” Dan says. 

Red Hood snickers, “Only crime here was the kidnapping.” 

“Dan, are you okay?”

“Bats are here, Claire,” Dan tells her. He watches Batman lift the black bag off The Joker’s face, revealing the viscera and gray matter beneath. He’s not smiling anymore. Dan hasn’t seen that kind of gore in years. He’s the cause of it once more and he doesn’t regret that. It feels invigorating. It feels devastating. “I guess I’ll hang up now. If The Joker is mysteriously alive after this, it’s because Batman couldn’t handle not being the hero.” 

“Dan—” He hangs up as Batman’s shoulders go minutely tense at his words. The man stands fully, turning his head slightly to narrow his cowled eyes at Dan. 

“Problem, sir?” 

“You killed The Joker.” 

“I saved myself and his two idiots.” He shrugs. 

“You had him restrained.” 

He rests an offended hand against his chest. “I was frightened that he would escape, sir, just as he escapes from the very place you put him every eight to ten months.” The Bat doesn’t want to be judge, jury, and executioner. Fine. Whatever, he gets it. Dan hadn’t wanted to be that, neither as hero nor villain. He’d wanted to save, he wanted to be saved, and then he wanted everyone to feel like he did. But he’s not so prideful now to know that he wouldn’t have stopped then, not unless someone handled the job permanently. 

The Joker needed permanence. 

The Bat can play fucking judge all he wants. But he’d be just as villainous if he tried enforcing his own moral code on other people.

“You asked for donations,” Red Robin says dryly. “You were basically putting a hit out on him.”

“My art in life textbook is $300. How much do you think a lawyer is going to cost?”

“Hn.” 

“Stop giving the man a hard time for doing a public service, Batman.” Red Hood shoulder checked Nightwing away and held out a gloved hand for Dan to shake. He takes the other’s hand and firmly shakes it. The contact, while not to skin, gives Dan goosebumps and chills his lungs. 

Jay?

“Let’s hope my Habitudes professor agrees with you.”

“She will. Everyone with three brain cells to rub together will.” The man cuts a glare at Batman. 

Dan didn't say what pronouns his professor uses. 

The rumble in Red Hood’s voice is enticing. He looks at the other man, really looks, and notices his broad shoulders, how tall he is (though Dan towers over him even  disguised as a human), and his muscled arms. Arms that Dan’s pretty sure are normally hidden beneath a Gotham U hoodie, just like his own. 

He smirks as sirens sound in the distance. “Let’s hope the cops agree with you.”

“They will,” Hood says. It sounds like a promise for something entirely different. 

“Gag me,” Red Robin mutters.

Robin says, “For once I agree with you.”

Without looking away from Dan, Red Hood flips the two off, and yeah, maybe redemption can be more promising than he initially thought. 

xxXxx

A week later, Dan finally goes back to his regular schedule. His ghost parole is intact—he’d even been thanked by some Gothamite ghosts, and Danny begrudgingly told him that there were ghosts who said they’d riot if Dan was given any punishment. As for the mortal side of things, Vlad Masters had graciously sent his team of attorneys to Dan’s aid. While Dan still hates him, he has no issue about using a free team of lawyers to defend him. He’s guaranteed to walk.

Jazz had called him. It made his core unsettled and stony. She wasn’t disappointed, and he doesn’t know how that makes him feel. He doesn’t regret it—The Joker would never change. But what does that say about him and his progress? 

Jazz in general makes him uneasy now. She used to be his big sister, and now she’s younger than him, and he tried to kill her, and— she’s different from his Jazz, is all. But if she’d always known like she said, then his Jazz did, too, right? Could she still be his Jazz, a Jazz who got to grow up? Still be his sister? It would be stupid to hope so, right?

He feels bitter.

She said she’s considering Gotham University as her college of choice as she nears high school graduation. Apparently, their psych department is amazing. 

So maybe hope isn’t so bad. 

Dan sits down at his 10:00 am Habitudes class. Everyone already in the room stares at him. Before they can offer any congrats or thanks or swarm him, Jay sits down next to him. 

Dan looks at Jay’s mostly black hair and his tuft of white at his front bangs. He’s wearing his usual Gotham U hoodie, a hoodie that likely hides muscled arms. A chill builds in his lungs like it did when speaking with Red Hood, like it has every other time he’s talked with Jay Peters. 

…Hm. A hoodie that definitely hides muscled arms. 

“Hey,” says Jay with a grin. “Crazy week, I hear?”

“You’re a Gothamite. I’m sure you’re aware of exactly how crazy it’s been.” 

“You should tell me about it sometime.”

“Sure. After class? We can grab an early lunch. Make it a date, maybe.”

Jay smiles, cute and small. His eyes flash green—a baby Death-touched soul, still can’t control his spooky abilities, how adorable—and he says, “That sounds perfect.”

[soarrenbluejay]

Can’t remember where I’ve seen the idea first but I’ve had this idea of Regular Clowns taking offense to joker’s bullshit for a while now and exacting Vengeance. The man doesn’t even has an egg! His ass never been to clown school! He’s a disgrace to them all!

So four buddies leaving the traveling circus business decide as people who have loved every second of this and are Deeply Insulted by this wanker to Do Something About It.

Three of them are showmen- an acrobat, a juggler, a fire fanatic, the works.

The last one, Jerry, is a stage hand. He is their most powerful member- not only does he have the superpower of self care, but he’s a meta! Minor telekinesis is actually really useful when shuttling stuff around in a stage in a hurry! (And that whole thing of our idea of ninjas coming from stage hands in all black being ‘invisible’ yeah. Cryptid vibes, except it’s just Jerry)

So. A clown car pulls up in Gotham, in the middle of a Joker attack, presumably despite ever Gothamite on the road who saw it making their best effort to take one for the team and mow them down. This is a no good awful sign for Gotham.

But it gets better.

Because out does not step a bunch of goon reinforcements in masks, or some jokerified poor soul, but instead someone in one of those historical jester costumes, bells and dramatic ass sleeves and all. Also, they’re bright orange. It is slightly eye searing. In one hand is the end to a long line of tied together handkerchiefs in clashing neon colors which appears to be infinite bc it just keeps coming. In the other is a comedically oversized hammer with a squeaky sound effect installed but no spring to soften the blow- it in fact has spikes with little Mayfair banners hanging off.

They immediately attempt to strangle/bash Joker to death with a winning smile firmly in place, and actually survive the attempt of which by apparent virtue of being made of rubber or something. And out slides our fire master, in all teal for contrast, who promptly throws smoke bombs at the crowd of goons around and starts all but boa staffing them down with his fire wand, paired with a dramatic speech about how Joker is in insult to the idea of circus and also the most unfunny bitch to ever walk the earth.

Lastly, the juggler. They have come armed. With glitter and hackysacks. A dramatic beatdown ensues, with much shrieking and yelling on all sides. A gif is made of Joker being bonked right through a concrete wall with a move right out of a video game. Several goons get concussions a la bowling pins. It’s all being live streamed by someone through their apartment window and is rapidly going viral. It’s a good time mostly because this attempt at vengeance against the Clown Bitch Gotham did not immediately involve some one getting very anticlimacticly shot.

No really takes note of the guy in all black and ski mask, calmly standing in the middle of the flaming chaos. He occasionally holds out a new set of props for the juggler, an oversized great sword for our acrobat jester, some nitroglycerin for blowy uppy efforts, the works. Until he starts calmly putting together a three story set of scaffolding for the gang to use for the purpose of beating the crime king’s skull in in even more ridiculous ways and also so jester can showcase their absolute lack of a spine.

And Jerry goes back to standing in the middle of this chaos, apparently unaffected by Literally Everything going on. His friends are fucking crazy, he’s used to it.

Meanwhile, Ghost King Danny gets a new urgent appeal at his ghostly royal desk- someone is attempting to enact vengeance against the joker and move approximately 46363883 souls along doing it, except it’s not the Red Hood this time! It’s Some Random Guys that a minor mischief god is now attempting to fast track layering with blessings! Said minor god is officially appealing for the Ghost Monarch’s support. Danny is conflicted- on one hand, he Fucking Hates Clowns. And has a major hero worship thing going on for Red Hood, a fellow supernatural hero (in the dead’s eyes) much his senior. However, the idea of a bunch of nobody’s beating the joker to death at the same time as declaring how shit of a clown he is IS pretty hilarious.

He gives it the stamp of Yes, provided others seeking vengeance (aka red hood, the thousands of joker victims in Gotham, anyone who wants to go spectacular viral) can still intervene to catch some own hands, a minor merriment/will of the people god does a jig on the spot, and back with the Justice Circus Brigade, ghouls and Spectors alike start popping up to join in on the fun! Which our beloved ren faire rejects are actually pretty okay with- big enough circus events in the DC universe have a bad habit of becoming possessed/very obviously haunted/Ooky Spooky like, every few months. And these guys look much friendlier than whatever the hell has been in the house of mirrors these last few months!

Red Hood isn’t sure how he’s suddenly in the middle of upper Gotham when he’s was decidedly Nowhere Near three seconds ago, but that’s a problem for later when the Bitch Ass Clown Extraordinaire is Right There!! So he tables it to be very paranoid about later, shrugs, and starts shooting. Jester starts shouting out points for accuracy/comedy, Jerry calmly asks if he wants some of their backup silver bullets just in case The Target really is an unholy being of some sort. (They have taken Precautions. For Everythinf. Or at least Jerry did.) Jason can’t say no to free extra ammunition and also That’s Hilarious, man he has to hire these guys!

Then fire juggler molotov’s the joker, and he decides these idiots are ABSOLUTELY worth saving from the big bad bat. Fuck it, this morons are the BEST.

[snowdropluck204]

Join The Digital Age - Spencer Reid x Streamer! Fem! Reader - Pt 2

So... I haven't been doing these for a while... Been a bit rough recently, been struggling... I know a lot of people wanted to see Spencer reacting to TLAU, as much as I would love to, I've never actually played it! I'm gonna watch some playthroughs and see what I can do! Until then, I'm gonna do some games the I personally have played! Enjoy! Xxx

Pt 2 - Pumpkin Panic

(y/n) pov

Since that first time Spencer had walked in on my stream, he had been more and more interested in technology and video games. Spencer bought a laptop after watching me playing Stardew Valley, after a huge amount of research into the best laptops that could run Stardew, not that he was going to use the laptop for anything else...

I thought it was super cute, and it was nice having something the both of us could do together! After a long stream, you'd think that the last thing I'd want to do is play video games, but more recently, I found myself enjoying my gaming time with Spence, more than when I was playing games for a stream. It was so sweet, trying to teach him the mechanics, the secrets, seeing him reacting to the characters (and trying to profile them), one of his first questions about the game was what the engagement ring in the crafting menu was for. I told him it was so you could marry other players, he blushed bright red.

About a week later, I came home to find that he had been binging the game without me, collecting the materials to make the ring and surprise me. He had enjoyed the game so much, he was questioning taking his laptop to use on the jet, on the way home from cases, so I went and bought him a Nintendo Switch, so he could bring it with him to work, apparently his entire team was shocked.

More recently though, I had been playing smaller indie games that I had found on itch.io, games like Pumpkin Panic. I set up the camera, sitting myself down comfortably in my chair, waving to everyone watching, "Hi everyone! How are we all?" I asked, waiting for people to join the stream, getting a bunch of messages in chat, telling me about people's day, I spent a good forty minutes just talking to people, before mentioning the game I would be playing.

"So, I found a game on itch.io, I think a lot of people have been playing it recently, called Pumpkin Panic." I told the stream, getting a bunch of messages, telling me whether or not my viewers had heard of it, or even played the game. "I'm probably going to be pretty bad at it from the get go, but bare with me, maybe those of you who have played the game can help me out?" I asked, opening the game file.

I smiled at the title menu, "Oh, this is cute! So apparently, this is kind of similar to Stardew, but with a bit more of a horror aspect, it kind of reminds me of Sleepy Hollow..." I mentioned offhandedly. I began playing, giggling at my cute lil character running around. I panicked a little at the random events of the monsters in the game, before one of them killed me.

"Aw! I wasn't doing great but hey!" I whined, "Those clown things are hard!" I leaned back against my chair, I had lasted about ten minutes, the timer taunting me. As I sat talking to my viewers, writing down any helpful tips and tricks, Spencer came through the front door, sighing tired. I turned around to look at him, "Hey baby!" I greeted softly, smiling at him.

Spencer gave me a tired grin, before seeing that I was streaming, "Oh, I'm sorry angel, I didn't know you'd be streaming..." Spencer mumbled. I smiled shaking my head, "It's okay, I'm sure nobody would mind if I wrapped it up early tonight." I told him.

Spencer waved off the comment, "No, you're good," He told me, dragging over a stool from the kitchen to sit behind me, "So what are you playing?" He asked.

I smiled, turning back to my game and explaining, grinning when he said it was like scary Stardew. I finished up the stream, finally managing to beat the game after many failed attempts, Spencer being incredibly helpful throughout, but decided that this wasn't a game he would play for himself...

I hope this was okay, I just wanted to write about this game! If you guys are interested, it's free on Itch.io! Hope you liked this! Xxx

[riddlebot]

Welcome Home - Beginner's Guide!

Want to get into Welcome Home but overwhelmed and not sure where to start? This post is for you!!

I've seen a lot of people who are interested but aren't sure where to begin, or even how to begin! Lucky for you, we are currently in the prologue, so it'll be easy to get caught up!

I'm gonna put this under a read more because it's quite a big chunk of text.

For starters, I'm going to post some of Clown's (the creator of WH, @partycoffin) wishes as far as fandom and engaging with content:

No publicly posted NSFW (as of right now) of the characters! Clown has stated they aren't sure how they feel about this just yet, and so have asked people to not do this. Do not sell merchandise or art with WH characters! This is Clown's intellectual property and he is just one person! The only person that should be making money from WH is Clown! Please don't repost people's art, including Clown's! It's really sad this has to be stated at all - everything on the website is free to use and spread around, but don't repost Clown's art from his blog or twitter! Not everything is canon and reposting old art confuses newcomers and is also just rude. Shipping is fine, as is fan works, making OC's for WH, and cosplay! Do not send Clown theories, fanscripts, comics, ect. They are still working on the story and do not want to accidentally use someone else's idea.

CONTENT WARNINGS! This is directly from Clown's website.

Common attributes in Welcome Home that may not be suitable for all audiences are listed below!

Eyes, eye contact, or staring.

Unreality or derealization.

Gore.

Puppets or mannequins.

Exploration of heavy topics, like death, isolation, and mental health.

Auditory unease, such as unpleasant sounds.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its also important to note that this is currently the prologue and the story itself will not actually start for quite some time. Also, the only things that are currently canon are things that are found on the website. Any of Clown's concept art or art found not on the website is not canon within the story at this time.

Now, with that out of the way - here is where I would recommend getting started! Like a lot of other current WH fans, watching NightMind's video introducing the ARG is a great start! He also has a second video outlining some of the clues he and his audience found.

The second video isn't a necessary watch as I will be going over all the clues here, but it's there if you want it! (Note, the second video is a stream VOD of his and his stream alerts can be quite jarring and loud so just be warned.)

There is also this google document with an outline of clues, but I'm going to list most of them in this post as well in a more cohesive way.

HARD EVIDENCE - I'll be outlining them page by page, and only listing things that are not speculative evidence.

Intro Page (/welcomehomeyou) - Scroll down to the blurb at the bottom of the page titled Website Updates. In the first paragraph you should notice the letter Y in the word "your" is offset from the rest of the text.

Welcome Home (/whats-welcome-home) - Underneath the black and white drawing of Howdy there are 2 paragraphs of text. In the last sentence of the second paragraph, the W of Wally's name is offset from the rest of the text.

About Us (/about-us) - In the FAQ there are several things of note. - First, in the answer to "How did you begin you research into WH? There is hidden text visible when you highlight over it that reads "But it hurts." Seemingly in response to them being thankful to be the first to start this journey. - There is text laid over (or under?) the answer to "Why did you make this website?" It reads: "When I unwrapped the first letter, I felt it. I heard it. Open. Open. Open. I want it out. I’m going to get it out." At the end of this answer, the apparent restoration team says "It mean it is inside of you too, then," in relation to other people having said they remember the show. There is also more hidden text that seems to follow this, asking: "Does it hurt?" - Further down, after the end of the answer about episode numbers, there is more hidden text that reads: "The numbers are so hard to read. Sometimes I can’t see them."

The Neighborhood (/your-neighborhood) I will be listing every individual's introduction page here despite them all having their own site pages just for simplicity. There are several things to note here as well- starting off with another offset letter. In the blurb at the bottom of the page, the X in expand is offset. - If you click and drag the picture of Home (mobile users can sometimes see this right away, or see it if you zoom in/out on the page) you will see that behind Home is a dark abyss with a spiral in the center of it. In front of Home there is an invisible link, if you click it, you are taken to So Below (/so-below) which shows a gif of Wally on his knees in front of one of Home's windows/eyes, which is shaking rapidly. - Clicking on the you in "you're" directly above Home in the blurb at the top of the page takes you to the secret page, You. (/you) This page resembles the neighborhood introductions pages, but the blurb is blank. There are dancing letters at the top that say You, and a white paint stroke appears and then text slowly types "Wally is your best friend." - Every resident's page says "go back" in colorful letters underneath them, aside from Wally, who has black lettering that says "good bye!" - Every character is presented in past tense in their bios aside from Wally. - Every neighbor's bio mentions them being a puppet aside from Wally, Eddie, and Julie.

News (/welcome-home-news-page) - The letter E in the gif that says News is out of sync with/below the other letters.

Links (/welcome-home-links) - Two things of note: the only gif on this site that is clickable is Barnaby's, and the WH gif that cycles through every character's eyes always pauses for a beat on Wally's.

Guestbook (/our-guestbook) - The guestbook is a beast in itself so I've left it for last because there is a lot to cover. - First: We find out last offset letter in the guestbook, on page 5. There is an entry that reads "I love you ♡" from Silly mc Billy, that has a crayon doodle repeating the words back. The V in love is offset. - On page 8, in 2 of the blank entry places, are hidden text notes. One is from Wally that reads "You're looking for me. Silly. Silly." The other is from W a L L y that reads "You won't write back." - Almost every crayon doodle over the guestbook entries are hidden messages from who we are assuming is Wally. If you open the images in a new tab, the end of the url (aka the name of the pictures) will have a message in response to the entry he's doodled over. I won't outline them all because there are a lot but definitely take a look at them!

SECRET PAGES - The result of finding all the offset letters! There are 720 combinations of the letters but not to worry, there are only a handful of pages to see! The letters are YWXVE.

try again (/yxwvoe) - Leads to a bugged version of the 404 page. Instead of Home, it shows (assumedly) Wally's telephone, and the text reads "Uh Oh!  Uh Oh Loooks like you Wandered wandered wandered tooooooooo far away from Home! Head back." The ck of the word back is in a different font. - If you click on the gif of the phone, it leads to the page duet (/singingmp4) - there is a playable file here of Wally singing the song Beautiful Dreamer. After he is done singing, he says that those are all the words he knows as that is all Barnaby taught him. He asks "Do you like it?" Home answers in a series of bangs and Wally replies, "That's good, I think."

answer (/eovwxy) - a video of a static filled television. there is a lot of brown noise here, nothing can be clearly made out though. a pair of eyes flash in the video at one point as well, seeming to be Wally's eyes. they flash on the screen and roll upward.

try again (/wyxoev) - a gif of home with various cropped eyes cycling quickly over where home's eyes are, before freezing on a single pair. The word "OPEN" slowly is spelled under the gif.

try again (/voywex) - The word "Hello." is slowly typed out and a cropped gif of Wally's eyes suddenly appears. The eyes shake rapidly. More text follows, reading, "You’re there. I can't see you. Do you see me?" And then much more rapidly appearing text, "Then stay quiet."

try again (/woxyve) - This page is covered in various images. Multiple cropped images of a script for an episode of Welcome Home. A gif cycling through the resident's eyes, much like the one on the Links page, but each time it gets to Wally it pauses longer and longer - His pupils also dilate more each time and he gets closer and closer. The gif ends on Wally's red background but he is no longer there.

IMAGES - outside of the guestbook, a lot of the images on the website have interesting details of note.

At the bottom of the What's Welcome Home page, there are several images in a gallery. Several of these have interesting details. I do want to say though that several of the images in this gallery come from art Clown did in response to asks, ect. So I am not sure how much of this weirdness can be chalked up to inconsistencies and how much of it is genuine hints or clues. - Image 1: A page out of a magazine or catalog showing off some Welcome Home merchandise. The merchandise in the picture all have lettering, A-C, and the corresponding description of said merch at the bottom of the page. But there is also a letter D in the image next to a blank space, with no description. The D is crossed out. - Image 3 + 4: A We'll Be Right Back screen featuring Frank and Julie cooking. If you mess with the exposure of the B/W version of this image, it reveals faint white text over the "We'll Be Right Back!" that reads "May Your Home Be" - Image 5: At the bottom right, the text along the side of the image reads "Hello you" - Image 12: Wally's Halloween costume is a red devil. - Image 13: Wally creepily looking outside of a pitch black Home, with text that reads "There he is!" - Image 26: The book Wally is reading shows the same scene he and Barnaby are portraying in this image.

About Us has 2 interesting images: - the original version of the Julie and her siblings is covered in paint and very wrinkled, as well as the picture taken of it being very dark. The bottom of the image depicts a human hand in a blue latex glove holding the page. - in the gif of Frank's head spinning, the titles of the books next to him read (from top to bottom) Hello / It’s You Know Who / I'm your neighbor / Do you think about me? You do / I’ve felt you.

If you read this whole post, wowza! I hope you enjoy getting into WH! Despite laying out most of the hints and clues in this post, I still very much recommend going to the site yourself and poking around. There are a lot of little things I didn't cover here as they aren't concrete, so there is still plenty to discover!

Also, if you haven't already, you should go follow Clown, and consider supporting him on ko-fi so he can continue to work on this project, as well as continue their education and hopefully move into a safer home!

[sol-rambles]

I will not even lie I feel like there are deff people that abyss could get to betray foundation if they wanted to.

Probably noone important to their plans, probably, but it seems like not impossible.

(I'm just insane about ls again)

But like hear me out, I know they probably don't like need someone to betray the foundation, but if it came to it they so could.

Foundation-

First off with the end of the Ro stream there's probably gonna be some people either fully kicked from foundation or just removed from the inner circle.

Which could lead to some inner team bickering or splits. And that could lead to some quote on quote betrayals which can't 100% be called betrayals.

But also I'll be real, I think they legit just kinda implied the majority of them.

Minute, Ro and Planet are 100% foundation.

Ash is pretty foundation but they don't fully trust him cause wildcard things.

I don't think Spoke and Squiddo are not foundation but ik that they aren't really trusted with the inner circle plans.

Apparently Clown and Leo are "flakey"? Which I think implies that they're not fully trusted. I think they also said Ash was flakey.

----

Abyss/Void Ponies, (abyss is easier to type repeatedly though)-

Abyss wise, I feel like Mapic, Zam and Bacon are 100% for abyss.

I think Zam specifically has spent WAY too much time bedrock breaking to want to do anything and the team is quite close knit.

I think Jumper and Pentar are too I just feel like the other three are like a tiny bit more committed.

Jumper I don't think will betray, but she might do something like she did with minute to try get both worlds. But with Vitalasy this time maybe. Probably not, just cause she I think did talk to him after the Vi and Abyss meeting, and to my knowledge didn't tell Void Ponies she was going to.

But I think Abyss is a good team who, probably do enough together to trust eachother fully.

----

Idk about them-

I think Pangi is Foundation? To my current knowledge he is. Deff not in the inner circle though. No way in hell he is, too close with Zam cause pirates. Though he doesn't like void.

Branzy???? Idk man. Hasn't logged on to void things, to my knowledge.

Spepticle is running around with 2 stacks of wither skulls and I don't think he likes Abyss. But Bacon gave him the skulls so maybe pro void.? (Not sure Spep's stance matters loads and loads though.)

Vitalasy, I literally have no clue. Teamed with Jumper. Helped Abyss in fights. But doesn't really like any other Void Ponies. Especially not Zam. Very confused about meeting unless Jumper filled him in.

---

Probably forgot someone important, I'm legit just spitballing. It's one am.

[trashmuis]

Wait a minute, wait A MINUTE. Okay. So. I am working on my Chop Top costume. I am trying my best to look at the movie/props to make the outfit as realistic as possible (bc im a fucking dork). Now, not everything will be 100% accurate or anything. my vest needs to be distressed more and the shirt isnt right yet bc it needs to be dirty and bloody and i gotta do the pants patterns right which is tough- but ANYWAY. I bought a bag to wear that has his extra buttons on it. The "No Clowns" Button. The "Sit on a Happy Face" Button. I have some extra ones of my own that are just random since you can't see clearly in the movie. It'll look close.

But, just examining the movie to see what else I'd need/am missign at all I came across something I hadnt like fully noticed before? WHAT. IS. THIS

Ok so this image may not be the clearest and the streaming bar is in the way but, that is the strap of his bag. As I said before, I have a similar clown pin on the top here, i dont have the Texas (I think thats supposed to be the red white and blue with the star in it for Texas) button (apparently this button isnt accurate to the Texas flag anyway?? the red and white are swapped on this button compared to any i can find online).

MY POINT THOUGH. IS. WHAT IS THAT CHEVRONS PATTERN

At first i thought maybe it's part of the bag but it only is at the one part. Watching the scene, it also stops right where the clown button is, and stops where the other large button is, so it's like... a patch, it seems. It isn't on the back. So, looking closer...

IS... IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS??

DOES HE HAVE IT LIKE FOLDED ONTO THE STRAP OF HIS BAG?? AND WAS HE A FUCKING SARGEANT OR STAFF SARGEANT IN VIETNAM????

ALSO IS THIS A PATCH FOR THE V CORPS???

[misscrazyfangirl321]

the grimm werewolf and his wife, uh. someone and rosalind: office au?

He’d be lying if he said this, here, wasn’t his favorite part of a work day. She smiled at him over a cup of coffee, her laughter warming him as much as the drink, and he marveled at how incredibly lucky he was. It only lasted a few minutes; they had to clock in, after all, and face the endless streams of paperwork and phone calls. But he wouldn’t trade those few minutes for all the world. This was, he had to admit, a vast improvement over his last job. 

As they made their way to the time clock she paused, resting a hand against his shoulder, and excused herself with a murmured ladies’ room. 

It was only after she disappeared that Wu cleared his throat, stepping out of the shadows. The man was typically something of an office clown, causing the kind of shenanigans that made everyone forget he was actually kind of brilliant, but just at the moment, he looked impossibly serious. 

“Hey, man. Everything okay?”

Wu sighed. “Look, I get it, okay? But you’ve got to let her go.”

Monroe bristled. He’d actually liked the guy, but to have the nerve to say something like that? “Excuse me?”

“I know you’re new, but you have to know that she’s married. And whatever excuses you’re making right now, I promise you it isn’t worth it. You’re just going to end up with a broken heart, and it’s going to make work all kinds of awkward, so just… Don’t.” 

Offense gave way to bafflement, a slow sort of understanding dawning at the back of his mind. Did he mean-? Surely not. But then, it wasn’t like Monroe and Rosalee had exactly announced it to everyone. But it seemed pretty obvious, didn’t it? “Yeah, I think you’ve got the wrong idea here. Ros-” 

Wu cut him off. “I’m not blind, you know? But she’s married, and-” He paused, glancing at Monroe’s left hand. “It looks like you are, too. The only thing I don’t know is whether or not you guys are already involved.”

The words came out before Monroe could think them through, quick and stunned. “Well, of course we are, but-”

“I don’t want to hear it, okay? Just-” Wu held up a hand. “Walk away, for all our sakes. You’re a better guy than this.” Then, before Monroe could string together a reply, he walked away.

The reality of what just happened was starting to hit him in full force, and a wave of embarrassment washed over him. Great; that would have been really easy to handle, and instead, he made it way, way worse. Now all he had to do was… Make sure that Rosalee never ever found out about it.

-

Five hours later, he and Rosalee were on lunch break, chatting about their day so far over sandwiches, when Nick strode into the break room, grinning ear to ear. Even before he said a word, Monroe’s stomach sank; somehow, he just knew. 

“Hey, Rosalee,” Nick drawled, eyes dancing, “Have you heard the latest office drama?”

Rosalee smiled and shook her head, that indulgent look that she often gave Nick when he shifted into full annoying little brother mode. “Nick, you know I don’t listen to that stuff.” 

“Oh, I think you’re going to want to hear this.” He glanced at Monroe, and his grin somehow widened at Monroe’s sharp look. Taking another step, lowering his voice dramatically, he told Rosalee, “Apparently, you’re having an affair.” 

Rosalee scowled. “What? With who?”

“The new guy, of course.” He nodded to Monroe. “Apparently Wu confronted him about it this morning, and he practically confirmed it.”

Okay, so we’re just throwing me completely under the bus, huh? Sometimes, it was hard to remember that Nick was Monroe’s friend before he was Rosalee’s. Since meeting, the two had become like siblings, and while Nick was friends with both her and Monroe, they definitely had a unique bond. 

Rosalee went completely still, a thousand expressions crossing her face, before she asked, voice a calm that was clearly forced, “What?”

“It wasn’t like that,” Monroe protested, for all the good it would do. “I was just completely confused. At first, I didn’t even know what he was asking!”

Nick didn’t even dignify that with a reply, just dissolved into laughter, as Rosalee hid her face in her hands. 

“This isn’t funny,” she forced out, though her voice was a little too high, and she was clearly on the verge of laughter herself. “Are you telling me that the whole office thinks I’m having an affair with my husband?” On the last word, her voice cracked, and she gave into breathless giggles, as Monroe sat there desperately wishing he could just sink into the floor.

“Yep!”

“Did you at least tell them-”

“Nope!”

“Nick-”

“I didn’t want to spoil the fun.”

Fun. Right. Monroe was never going to live this down.

-

Rosalee worked fast, Monroe had to admit; by five pm, the whole office seemed to know the truth (in spite of Nick’s desperate pleas for them to just let the gag play itself out a little longer). This was both a great relief, and more than a little mortifying. 

Still, as they clocked out, and Rosalee slid her hand into his, Monroe couldn’t help but smile. All in all, he really liked this job.

[adultswim2021]

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job #46: “Lucky” | April 5, 2010 - 12:30AM | S05E06

We start this one off with a Kids Break. This time the kids are fully gothed-out. Tim’s trouble is that his father lost his job and now he resorts to eating his boogers as a meal replacement. This is especially disgusting and off-putting, so much so that when I watched this episode in VLC I bolted out of my chair to turn it off when the episode looped and this played for a second time. There might be worse Kid Breaks, but there also might not be. Hard to say! 

This one is one of my least favorite wraparounds: Tim has a “Musky Tusk” Necklace, which supposedly gives him good luck. You have to rub dead animals on it to activate it’s charms. They sorta dash this one off, being very disrespectful to their viewers. Hell, I got high for this one and not even that made me do smiles. They did get Ron Lynch to do a voice-over for a Musky Tusk pitch, which is the strongest part of the whole wraparound. I have a mild respect for them cutting to the closing credits early, but Space Ghost already did that, son. I hate how this one ends! 

Okay, sketches now. A sketch about Pierre using “dream cream”, a topical ointment you apply to your torso so you can have wonderful dreams. Pierre dreams that he’s hanging out with a beautiful boy and his dad. They have a cookout, where Pierre is slightly flirty with both of them. He only vocalizes his attraction to the dad, though. In one fairly dicey scene, Pierre hand feeds the boy various meats, including a hot dog. He’s also really pleased with the internet situation while looking at “sites for dads”, murmuring “megabytes per second must be in the billions!” Pierre’s dream eventually turns out to be a nightmare after the cream gets into his mouth, which you’re not supposed to let happen. 

This sketch actually wound up being a headache for Tim & Eric. The suggestively creepy things going on between Pierre and the boy in particular are a little squirmy. I always took the humor to simply be about Pierre being mindlessly inappropriate, and I don’t think the joke is supposed to be that he’s definitely a pedophile. He’s attracted to boys because it means a dad is nearby. That’s my take, anyway. But having a child present during a pseudo-sexual encounter is pretty eyebrow-raising.

This episode was actually briefly withdrawn from repeats because, I believe, the child actor’s parents weren’t pleased with the final sketch. I remember I actually attended an Adult Swim comic-con panel after this aired and somebody asked Tim & Eric why this episode hadn’t been rerun yet. Tim said it had something to do with being sloppy with paperwork, like they didn’t get a release signed properly or something. I vaguely recall Tim being asked about it on Office Hours and him saying something closer to what I’m alleging had happened.

My personal theory is that Tim & Eric were legally in the clear for the sketch, but just didn’t wanna upset the kid’s family and decided the moral thing to do would be to alter the sketch. So, they animated a disgusting-looking cartoon boy over the real kid to erase all traces of the child actor in the sketch. This is the version that is currently in circulation. It appeared on the DVD, and is streaming on Max. I managed to dig up a version originally sourced from Amazon, which apparently had the original cut available in HD for a brief moment. Thank piracy that it still exists.

This came back to haunt them in recent years. Pedo-panic got ramped up with shit like QAnon, and a lot of it was bogus and was wielded as a political tool. Sam Hyde’s fans in particular went after Tim & Eric, pointing towards stuff like this, and Steve Mahanahan’s child clown outlet sketches in particular. I was a fairly regular viewer of Tim Heidecker’s Office Hours, and I actually remember people calling in and trying to put Tim’s feet to the fire about this sketch. At one point one of them accused Tim of molesting his young neighbor; the kid who stabbed him while on drugs during the Tom Goes to the Mayor days. Tim actually hosted a special evening edition of his show to address this, when some Barstool Sports guy tried to pile on Tim and Eric for their child-clown related comedy.

Another recurring sketch: Lucky Duck, where Tim plays a downtrodden simpleton who winds up, through luck, getting minor upgrades during customer service situations. He’s served a large orange juice when he ordered a small, and the waitress lets him keep it. His economy hotel room is unavailable, so he gets upgraded to a regular room which includes a continental breakfast and complimentary orange juice. A very brief, seconds-long snippet of a would-be full-fledged third sketch showing him walking directly into a pool while a glass or orange juice sits in the foreground plays after the credits. This actually was meant to be a full scene, and can be found on the DVD (or on this youtube playlist).

The Lucky Duck bit is hysterical, but, uh, Tim is basically just playing a guy with downs syndrome. It’s extremely evident from his look. I sorta buy into the possibility that it’s almost a mistake. So many of Tim & Eric’s characters bump right up to the definition of being mentally disabled, but rarely do they actually read that way during shallow observation. I can envision Tim concocting this look, being drunk on laughter as it comes together, and that overpowering his sense of decency to not do it (or even think not to do it). Lotta people have been there, bro. I vaguely recall Tim referring to this on Office Hours and kinda tugged his collar as if he got away with something. He’s off scot-free, and I respect it. 

Last but not lease, this episode has the fairly funny Cinco Bro-oche, which is acted by the same company of men who did the eye-tanning sketch from whatever season that was. This one’s a bit of a rehash, in that all the same convoluted procedures for that are also required for this. It also involves installing a screw hole directly into your torso to screw the Bro-oche into. I do think this is the maybe the strongest version of this sketch. Such a pleasingly dumb concept, and little touches like calling the peace sign “the peace signal” really make me smile. 

Aside from the too-gross Kids Break, and the very lame wraparounds, this one has a lotta good in it. Lucky Duck and the Bro-Oche in particular are well-crafted, with the Dream Cream bit being a little sloppy, but with a lotta funny moments. That wraparound though is a Musky Bust.

MAIL BAG

I have to respectfully but strongly disagree with you about the Space Ghost room half episode. I thought it was hilarious and a much needed step up from the Gametap schlock. I loved everyone understandably hating the movie

I forgive you for disagreeing with me. I think I oversold my dislike of those bumpers. I liked 'em fine, really, and I wasn't being very generous by saying they were merely a cut above the GameTap episodes. They just didn't match my memories of the first time seeing them. It's more like splitting the difference between Gametap and an average episode of Coast to Coast. Plenty to like!

[minerwarfare-suzuya]

Y'know when something should remain dead and moved on from. It should be said and done with good intentions.

I said with "good intentions". This isn't one of them, so it finds its way to be relevant again.

Nicole recently hit me up my inbox. I assume scoffing on her opinions caught her attention to my blog but hey welcome to the blog. (:

She's previously reached out to Cagney and Kevonica on topics about the Mobox87 drama which resulted in altercations. Nicole's been called out and shown to start these arguments or disagreements by being one sided on the drama when trying to interview Cagney and Kevonica. You can check that all out by pressing this underline sentence.

So yeah, keep note that most of Nicole's statements are like what this image says.

Anyways, here is the translation of Nicole's message.

"Hey, isn't it a bit gossipy or intrusive of you to talk about me"

"I don't know, I say *this* because well, for you to talk about it without being someone who has to do with it is something rude and gossipy on your part"

Yeah, I shouldn't really have to explain why this message is dumb but it's here for y'all to see.

Apparently you can't have an opinion or provided info to criticize someone without it being labeled as harrassment or rude.

Y'know same could be applied to you Nicole. I don't understand why you're feeling entitled to be untouched by others criticism when you came around feeling like this when you got into the drama.

Don't go off talking about how you don't wanna have me or anyone put your name out of their mouth because you claim they are someone who has nothing to do with whatever bullshit that you spat out.

You're so quick to say something about this drama that you have nothing to do with it by inviting Mobox87 in a discord call to do an interview for you to stream, get into a dm conversation with Cagney and Kevonica for you to have a feud.

Then what? Come to me as a victim cause Oh Hey What I Say is Gossip? As if your shit show doesn't imply as well cause you're a supporter of an artist's public image when they've done messed up shit behind everyone's backs and have a literal gallery of art they wanna excuse was manipulation to make child porn, snuff, glorify domestic violence?

Oh hey but let's not forget-

Anyways, quit clowning cause I already went off once and you made me had to do it twice. Just when I stated we have moved on from you, Nicole. You just had to come around and talk to me when you've made it clear that you're non-negotiable from what has been shown by the screenshots revealing your conversation in full context.

Nicole if you really want out of this drama and not be brought up again then shut up and leave it alone.

Now to address the people who actually been harassing Nicole and by spamming her on Instagram, YouTube and her Tumblr blog which she's posted previously.

For this user who's attacking Nicole. I'm going to be generally honest, kill yourself.

No seriously like wtf is your actual problem, we're at least being professionals while you got some asshole giving the critics a bad rep with this harrassment so quit it.

[slowlydifferentbluebird]

Blackpink headcanon: Jisoo as your wife

Requests are open

Hello @nightmarewitch, hope the result satisfy you 😄

And stream Born Pink, y'all!

Blackpink Jisoo X GN!Reader

SFW Content

Before Marriage

Can a superstar be together with a normal person?

Apparently, yes

You and Jisoo are the human proof

She met you during one of her global tour

It was a free moment for her and she decided to have a walk in this old library

You two touched the same book at the same time

I call that destiny

You two started to talk and you were quite in syntony

So you decided to exchange number

Destiny intervened again: in fact you moved to Korea for work

And in this way the long distance friendship became a romantic relationship

You were so supportive about her idol life that she understood that you were irreplaceable

So the first day of the new year she made you the proposal

And you, obviously, said yes because you were in love with her since you met her in that library

Conjugal Life

Your wife is a total goofball

Maybe you saw her serious at work, but with you? Never lol

But to be honest seeing her always smiling around you make you so proud

And her smile is so healing

The way you two swear at each other while playing games is hilarious

You two traumatized the girls

And now it's banned to play Monopoly in your house

Always trying her best to make you laugh

Or at least smile

You know that if you had a bad day, Jisoo will be there, ready to do something incredibly silly

Like that one time when she uses Dalgom, her dog, to recreate the famous scene of the Lion King

Her need of love and affection drastically increases at night

Being your personal clown is tiring

Just give her all the kisses she deserves

When worried about something, she just need to take a look at you sleeping to give her best the next day

You're her motivation in life

With you on her side, she feels invincibile

NSFW Content

Jisoo in bed?

Big switch vibes

Like if she feels really tired, she's happy about you leading her in action

But is she is well rested, she's going to make you her puppet

She's the dancer, but she will make you move like if you were articulated

The way she worships your body

If there is a part that she can kiss or lick, she will do it

The energy change from "You're so precious" to have the roughest sex of the world

Something about you that makes her lose control

But in all of this she's always smiling

Even when giving you oral pleasure

It's a mix of pride and bliss

Making you cum is one of her numerous way of making you feel loved

[silversodas]

Yeah clown just said not to compare it to real life crime cases because it downplays them and yes MatPat said it looks like a cult, because of the strange connection Home has to everything but it’s not like he compared it to the Manson family or any real case and it wasn’t a theory video, it was a video he did on his sub channel (one of them) GT Live. That’s when he is checking out the thing on a live stream and telling his viewers his FIRST thoughts on it.

He went in blind with the website (just like other YouTube people did weeks before MatPat) but because he has millions of subscribers anything he checks out gets a lot of buzz so a lot of clowns supporters expressed concern for his privacy, and some even gave the helpful corrections that are sometimes hard to keep up with, like clown saying it’s not an arg.

But then it became threads of people having a salt fest about MatPat in his comments section and calling him a piece of shit for “not doing his research” even though he was going in blind and didn’t even make a conclusive theory on it, I will say the thumbnails are misleading because they make it sound like he already has a theory, nor did he explore Clowns tumblr page or Twitter he was just checking out the website and trying to find hidden stuff.

It wasn’t until other Welcome Home fans pointed out that policing others was also something Clown asked not to do, and he also said not to get angry at people on his behalf. And yes, it’s one thing to bring something to someone’s attention, but it’s another to use that as an excuse to treat someone badly.

And that’s what a lot of these people were doing, they don’t want MatPat in on Welcome Home and they thought they were being sneaky by hiding behind the good intentions of the fans who just wanted new people and Game Theory to be aware of Clowns situation and using it as an excuse to be awful and unwelcoming, some braver fans stepped in to remind these people that clown asked them not to do what they are doing and they were going beyond showing concern, and are just trying to be unwelcoming to anyone new and that it wasn’t at all neighborly

And really, Tumblr hasn’t even been that bad about MatPat, it’s mostly just people honestly saying that they don’t want him to be apart of it, even people saying they are just tired of him getting his hands on everything, and that’s fine, because at least it’s honest and it’s just expressing how you feel with out involving Clown

But those people on GT Lives video comments section apparently thought they would ensure that MatPat or his fans don’t become a problem for Clown by making themselves Clowns new problem.

Guys, i think we should really focus on the story we have at hand, theories are nice and all but it’s getting to a point where some of y’all are finishing the story for yourselves and it’s very obviously making things difficult

not only that, some of you have been putting the most disgusting fictions on ao3 about their CHARACTERS with the excuse of “well it’s the internet”

y’all are about to lose your welcome home privileges if you guys don’t settle down

this goes for fucking matpat, sit your ass down white man

[istumpysk]

Operation Stumpy Re-Read

ASOS: Tyrion V (Chapter 38)

A horse whickered impatiently behind him, from amidst the ranks of gold cloaks drawn up across the road. Tyrion could hear Lord Gyles coughing as well. He had not asked for Gyles, no more than he'd asked for Ser Addam or Jalabhar Xho or any of the rest, but his lord father felt Doran Martell might take it ill if only a dwarf came out to escort him across the Blackwater.

Joffrey should have met the Dornishmen himself, he reflected as he sat waiting, but he would have mucked it up, no doubt. 

Tywin Lannister, mastermind Hand of the King, sent his son to welcome House Martell, instead of going himself.

Three chapters prior:

"He sends a cripple and a bastard to treat with us, tell me there is no insult meant by that." - Catelyn IV, ASOS

I'm not about to argue the above is a justified reaction, but the story is what it is, and Tywin Lannister is a dumb clown, with the interpersonal skills of a fly.

+.+.+

Tyrion turned in his saddle. "Pod, come up here. Describe the arms you see, and tell me which houses they represent."

[...]

He's getting taller, Tyrion realized as Pod stood in his stirrups for a better look. He'll soon tower over me like all the rest.

What a great injustice it is that this squire you think little of grows taller.

Keep being bothered when comparing yourself to the men around you, Tyrion. It pleases me.

+.+.+

"Might be. Next's a big black bird on yellow. Something pink or white in its claws, hard to say with the banner flapping."

"The vulture of Blackmont grasps a baby in its talons," said Pod. "House Blackmont of Blackmont, ser."

What kind of sigil is that?

LMAO.

That's my new favourite house.

+.+.+

Tyrion was impressed. The boy's not half stupid, once he gets his tongue untied. 

Shut the fuck up, Tyrion.

+.+.+

Bronn scanned the ranks of the approaching Dornishmen. "The last's a golden feather on green checks."

"A golden quill, ser. Jordayne of the Tor."

Apparently that's a Wheel of Time joke. Don't ask me to explain.

+.+.+

Nine of the greatest lords of Dorne were coming up the kingsroad, them or their heirs, and somehow Tyrion did not think they had come all this way just to see the dancing bear. 

He kind of sort of just called himself a dancing bear.

I will be providing no further analysis, as I've given up on bears.

+.+.+

He wondered if it had been a mistake to ship Myrcella down to Sunspear.

Do you think? It's possible!

+.+.+

There were three sorts of Dornishmen, the first King Daeron had observed. There were the salty Dornishmen who lived along the coasts, the sandy Dornishmen of the deserts and long river valleys, and the stony Dornishmen who made their fastnesses in the passes and heights of the Red Mountains. The salty Dornishmen had the most Rhoynish blood, the stony Dornishmen the least.

All three sorts seemed well represented in Doran's retinue. The salty Dornishmen were lithe and dark, with smooth olive skin and long black hair streaming in the wind. The sandy Dornishmen were even darker, their faces burned brown by the hot Dornish sun. They wound long bright scarfs around their helms to ward off sunstroke. The stony Dornishmen were biggest and fairest, sons of the Andals and the First Men, brown-haired or blond, with faces that freckled or burned in the sun instead of browning.

Intermarriage? What's that?

+.+.+

A Martell sun, but ten years too young, Tyrion thought as he reined up, too fit as well, and far too fierce. He knew what he must deal with by then. How many Dornishmen does it take to start a war? he asked himself. Only one. Yet he had no choice but to smile. "Well met, my lords. We had word of your approach, and His Grace King Joffrey bid me ride out to welcome you in his name. My lord father the King's Hand sends his greetings as well." He feigned an amiable confusion. "Which of you is Prince Doran?"

Remember how this chapter started?

Do you see the irony in Tyrion freaking out over Oberyn being sent instead of Doran?

+.+.+

"His Grace will be most honored to have the counsel of a warrior as renowned as Prince Oberyn of Dorne," said Tyrion, thinking, This will mean blood in the gutters.

It will mean blood in the gutters if your side chooses to needlessly escalate this.

+.+.+

A duel ensued, though in view of the prince's youth and high birth, it was only to first blood. Both men took cuts, and honor was satisfied. Yet Prince Oberyn soon recovered, while Lord Yronwood's wounds festered and killed him. 

✨ foreshadowing ✨

+.+.+

"Permit me to acquaint you with them, my lord of Lannister. Ser Deziel Dalt, of Lemonwood. Lord Tremond Gargalen. Lord Harmen Uller and his brother Ser Ulwyck. Ser Ryon Allyrion and his natural son Ser Daemon Sand, the Bastard of Godsgrace. 

I see you.

+.+.+

"And this is Ellaria Sand, mine own paramour."

Tyrion swallowed a groan. His paramour, and bastard-born, Cersei will pitch a holy fit if he wants her at the wedding. If she consigned the woman to some dark corner below the salt, his sister would risk the Red Viper's wrath. Seat her beside him at the high table, and every other lady on the dais was like to take offense. Did Prince Doran mean to provoke a quarrel?

Gosh, we wouldn't want the woman who fucks her twin to be offended.

"Most times," Jon answered in a flat voice. "But tonight Lady Stark thought it might give insult to the royal family to seat a bastard among them." - Jon I, AGOT

I wonder why.

+.+.+

Prince Oberyn wheeled his horse about to face his fellow Dornishmen. "Ellaria, lords and ladies, sers, see how well King Joffrey loves us. His Grace has been so kind as to send his own Uncle Imp to bring us to his court."

Someone got the message.

+.+.+

"We have met before," the Dornish prince said lightly to Tyrion as they rode side by side along the kingsroad, past ashen fields and the skeletons of trees. "I would not expect you to remember, though. You were even smaller than you are now."

There was a mocking edge to his voice that Tyrion misliked, but he was not about to let the Dornishman provoke him. 

I have to give him credit here. He's smart enough to not be easily provoked.

+.+.+

"Oh, many and many a year ago, when my mother ruled in Dorne and your lord father was Hand to a different king."

Not so different as you might think, reflected Tyrion.

I'm looking forward to a similar reflection in the future.

+.+.+

Your brother and sister were eight or nine, as I recall, and you had just been born."

Wait, they're eight years older than him? Where have I been?

+.+.+

"Scarcely. Your father ignored us the whole time we were there, after commanding Ser Kevan to see to our entertainment. The cell they gave me had a featherbed to sleep in and Myrish carpets on the floor, but it was dark and windowless, much like a dungeon when you come down to it, as I told Elia at the time.

Tywin's a veteran when it comes to offending Dorne.

+.+.+

"You were small, but far-famed. We were in Oldtown at your birth, and all the city talked of was the monster that had been born to the King's Hand, and what such an omen might foretell for the realm."

"Famine, plague, and war, no doubt." Tyrion gave a sour smile. "It's always famine, plague, and war. Oh, and winter, and the long night that never ends."

"All that," said Prince Oberyn, "and your father's fall as well. Lord Tywin had made himself greater than King Aerys, I heard one begging brother preach, but only a god is meant to stand above a king. You were his curse, a punishment sent by the gods to teach him that he was no better than any other man."

We'll call this another self-fulfilling prophecy. Tywin made the curse come true.

+.+.+

When I commented that you seemed a poor sort of monster, your sister said, 'He killed my mother,' and twisted your little cock so hard I thought she was like to pull it off. You shrieked, but it was only when your brother Jaime said, 'Leave him be, you're hurting him,' that Cersei let go of you. 'It doesn't matter,' she told us. 'Everyone says he's like to die soon. He shouldn't even have lived this long.'"

Cersei slowly becoming cartoonishly evil.

+.+.+

"While we are speaking of amusement, I heard a curious tale from Lord Buckler's steward. He claimed that you had put a tax on women's privy purses."

"It is a tax on whoring," said Tyrion, irritated all over again. And it was my bloody father's notion. "Only a penny for each, ah . . . act. The King's Hand felt it might help improve the morals of the city." And pay for Joffrey's wedding besides. Needless to say, as master of coin, Tyrion had gotten all the blame for it. Bronn said they were calling it the dwarf's penny in the streets. 

Did you know there's a theory that Penny is Tyrion's daughter with Tysha? Courtesy of the curtain of light gang.

I know what you're thinking - but we know who her father is? but she's far too old? - Never mind that. We can't let facts get in the way of a good theory.

+.+.+

"Never. We share too much." Prince Oberyn shrugged. "We have never shared a beautiful blonde woman, however, and Ellaria is curious. Do you know of such a creature?"

"I am a man wedded." Though not yet bedded. "I no longer frequent whores." Unless I want to see them hanged.

Don't lie.

+.+.+

"Are you hungry, my prince?"

"I have hungered for a long time. Though not for food. Pray tell me, when will the justice be served?"

"Justice." Yes, that is why he's here, I should have seen that at once.

Can't wait for that political genius, Tywin Lannister, to renege on this agreement.

He's not stupid, he's brilliant. The fandom told me so.

+.+.+

"Why, if the gods were cruel, they would have made me my mother's firstborn, and Doran her third. I am a bloodthirsty man, you see. And it is me you must contend with now, not my patient, prudent, and gouty brother."

Tyrion could see the sun shining on the Blackwater Rush half a mile ahead, and on the walls and towers and hills of King's Landing beyond. He glanced over his shoulder, at the glittering column following them up the kingsroad. "You speak like a man with a great host at his back," he said, "yet all I see are three hundred. Do you spy that city there, north of the river?"

"The midden heap you call King's Landing?"

"That's the very one."

"Not only do I see it, I believe I smell it now."

"Then take a good sniff, my lord. Fill up your nose. Half a million people stink more than three hundred, you'll find. Do you smell the gold cloaks? There are near five thousand of them. My father's own sworn swords must account for another twenty thousand. And then there are the roses. Roses smell so sweet, don't they? Especially when there are so many of them. Fifty, sixty, seventy thousand roses, in the city or camped outside it, I can't really say how many are left, but there's more than I care to count, anyway."

There was a mocking edge to his voice that Tyrion misliked, but he was not about to let the Dornishman provoke him. 

Baited!

Did you think I was actually giving him credit for something?

+.+.+

"As you trampled Willas Tyrell?"

The Dornishman did not react as expected. "I had a letter from Willas not half a year past. We share an interest in fine horseflesh. He has never borne me any ill will for what happened in the lists. I struck his breastplate clean, but his foot caught in a stirrup as he fell and his horse came down on top of him. I sent a maester to him afterward, but it was all he could do to save the boy's leg. The knee was far past mending. If any were to blame, it was his fool of a father. Willas Tyrell was green as his surcoat and had no business riding in such company. The Fat Flower thrust him into tourneys at too tender an age, just as he did with the other two. He wanted another Leo Longthorn, and made himself a cripple."

I see you.

+.+.+

Tyrion gave him a long look. "Chataya's on the Street of Silk has several girls who might suit your needs. Dancy has hair the color of honey. Marie's is pale white-gold. I would advise you to keep one or the other by your side at all times, my lord."

"At all times?" Prince Oberyn lifted a thin black eyebrow. "And why is that, my good Imp?"

"You want to die with a breast in hand, you said." Tyrion cantered on ahead to where the ferry barges waited on the south bank of the Blackwater. He had suffered all he meant to suffer of what passed for Dornish wit. Father should have sent Joffrey after all. He could have asked Prince Oberyn if he knew how a Dornishman differed from a cowflop. That made him grin despite himself. He would have to make a point of being on hand when the Red Viper was presented to the king.

God I'm so mad he died while being your champion.

Final thoughts:

Where's Sansa.

29 down, 20 to go. :(

-> return to menu <-

[starlightinhumanform]

Five drabble that got out of hand,,, inspired loosely by this post from @five-hargreeves-waistline this isn’t the Most hardcore torture whump,, but there is some blood and what not so fair warning

Sometimes the pain gets to me. I find myself floating to the top, dragged from that place in my brain. It’s warm and bright, but not glaring, and everything seems to have a soft golden hue. Like it’s been buttered. It’s my childhood, or a version of it. We’re all there-- the whole Umbrella Academy. Except we’re not the Academy, we’re just a family. Somehow being “just” a family is so much more than we ever really were. In my mind, Father is there, sitting in an armchair and reading quietly. I’ve never managed to construct something softer for him; apparently, the closest my father ever came to kindness was neutrality. This time, though, he’s in the living room with us and sitting facing us, not hiding in his study and watching from afar. Mom is there, too, helping Diego with his homework. We’re going to a regular school. It’s funny how public school was a privilege we never got. Ben and Allison are the most popular kids in school and we think they’re going to be co-class presidents next year. Klaus is the class clown, of course, but his grades show how smart he really is. Viktor is showing me his violin before a recital tomorrow. It’s his prized possession, and he won’t let any of the other siblings near it, but me. Luther is a jock, of course. Barely into middle school, but we can all tell his going to be the high school’s football captain. And me? I’m just there. Just enjoying being able to be a child.

I’m rising closer to the surface, the butter-toned fantasy melting away. I can taste blood in my mouth. Salty, metallic, almost savory. I nearly start laughing because I can’t tell if it’s mine, or if I bit someone and it’s theirs.

Another strike lands against my nose, fracturing what was already broken. A steady stream of blood flows over my lip. So that was definitely my blood I was tasting. 

There’s a brute standing in front of me, so overly muscled that his bowling ball of a head seems to connect directly to his shoulders without a neck to negotiate between the two. His arms seem too long, almost hanging past his knees, like a primate. Given my job occupancy, I wouldn’t be too surprised if he was part gorilla or something. People do weird shit like that. (No offense to Luther. Or Pogo. Hell, I worked for a fish for a very brief time; who am I to judge?)

The brute is grunting something at me, and I figure if he’s going to work all five of his braincells at full capacity in order to form the semblance of a speech pattern, I could at least try to listen. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” I lean forward, testing the give of the leather straps at my wrists and ankles keeping me attached to this crude-- no we’ll call it rustic-- chair they’ve got me bound in, and give him my most polite smile, “Could you bother repeating that?”

Apparently he didn’t like my smile, landing a blow just below my ribcage and into my diaphragm, “I said, WHERE ARE THE UMBRELLAS?”

This time I really do laugh, in the wheezing sort of way I can manage with the wind knocked out of me, “And why the hell would I tell you that?” 

He grins like he’s been waiting for me to ask that, “Because if you don’t talk to me, you’ll get to talk to Valdemar.”

I crane my neck to see the direction he’s smirking towards. Sure as hell, there’s a man who looks exactly like you’d expect someone named Valdemar to look. He’s tall and would seem thin if he weren’t covered with sinewy muscle. His dark hair is cropped close, revealing a deep scar traveling through one eye and down the length of his face. There’s rack beside him filled with the usual assortment of gleaming metal and sharp points. He’s got one in his hand, sharping it menacingly. 

They’ve always got a Valdemar. I think it’s a torture crew requirement. 

“I don’t have time for this. Did you know the world is ending? Again? And I’m not going to spend my last days betraying my family,” This time as I lean forward, I try to blink out, but it’s no use. 

This room, or something in it, is dampening my power. That indicates a certain level of intelligence, even elegance, that these two simply don’t possess. That’s who I need to talk to; the brains behind these brutes. 

“Hello, Vlademar,” I flashed him one of my award-winning smiles too, “Are we going to chat or can I speak with the grown up in charge now?”

“Nah, nah,” Vlad starts strolling towards me with his own prize-worthy grin, his drawl surprisingly Southern in comparison to most of the Vlads I meet in my line of work, “I think we need to have a little talk first.” 

“Ugh, ok, let’s talk.”

The first pain that hits me is sharp, blinding and wickedly so. It’s piercing into the crest of my shoulder, almost like Vlademar was trying to give a friendly pat on the shoulder, but happened to forget he had a jagged blade in his hand.

He pulls the knife out of the muscle and it’s far worse than the initial hit, the points of the double-serrated edges catching on and ripping through muscle. It manages to pull a wince from me, which burns through my broken nose. I can feel the bruises forming from the brute’s earlier hits, blood blooming beneath my eyes and across my cheek. My lower ribs and sides feel like Henchman No.1 might have been taken to them with a metal pipe. It’s making me wonder how long I managed to stay under this time, how much pain I hid from by pretending to be a child; stuck in my head, imagining what something as a alien as a childhood could be like. 

This time the knife sinks into my side, avoiding anything too important but still managing to hurt like hell, “Tell us where your siblings are.”

“Tell me where your boss is. Or go ahead and waste your time, I really don’t care,” I lean forward into Vlademar’s face, not caring that the knife digs further into me, “My family is stupid and careless and every time I manage to stop the apocalypse, they mange to cause another. But I will never put them in harm’s way. So you can stab me and punch me and pull out my teeth and cut off my fingers or whatever the fuck else you want to do to me, but you’re not going to get any answers. I’m done here.”

“You don’t get to decide when you’re done,” The growling voices are starting to fade out again, becoming fuzzy and distant.

Even as the blade is ripped from my side, I mange to laugh. It comes out in a sputter, barely more than a cough, as the blood from my nose and mouth got caught in the back of my throat. Choking on my own blood; that’s one for the books. 

My side is warm, burning in pain and washed with a stream of blood from the wound that strengthens with every cough. But the other warmth is joining it-- the buttery soft warmth of the fire crackling behind Father’s armchair as he turns the page of his book. 

I think the brute is laughing, somewhere far away, and I smile back. I could weather this, I could weather anything to make sure my family is safe.

I smile. Viktor is showing me his violin. I can almost feel the strings beneath my fingertips. My family is safe and, until I rise out of this dream again, so am I.