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mymessyfandomlibrary · 29 days ago

Text

Not in the Routine

Featuring; Nanami Kento x GN!Coworker! Reader

Rating; SFW (no content warnings)

Other Notes; fluff, strangers-to-friends-to-lovers, mutual pining, Gojo shows up once to pester Nanami, there are two coworkers that I needed to give names, but I hope you also enjoy them

Word Count; 4.5K

Link to Masterlist

Stability was something that you always had craved, like a moth to flame.

Safe choices. Predictable. Mundane.

That’s something that drew you to white collar work — a financial accountant for your current company. It was predictable. You had the same routine every day.

Had the same routine. But now that routine, one that you had for slightly over two years now, was thrown into disarray by the company being bought out and merged with its competitor.

At least you were allowed to transfer and still had your job. But still, you had your routine. You had your desk setup just how you liked, plus you got the lucky straw at your former office by having a window nearby. Now though, you were in an office full of strangers — and while, yes, you hadn’t formed many deep friendships at your old work place, you knew their faces — unfamiliar faces glancing at you from out of their peripheral vision.

There were few open desks, none with a window seat, and even fewer where there both sides were unoccupied.

Your eyes scanned the room, looking for a seat that didn’t feel as nearly claustrophobic. Unfortunately, that only left you with one option.

Placing your paperwork and few belongings on the desk, you lowkey dread the expected small talk from your new neighbour, but the blond man beside you didn’t even look up from his work.

As you sat down, you looked out of the corner of your eye to see if he would notice and acknowledge you, to which he didn’t. He definitely knew someone had decided to occupy the once vacant desk next to him, but Nanami K. (courtesy of the miniscule name plate on his desk) decided to continue on.

You paid no mind to it though and silently breathed a sigh of relief. There was no ‘Nice weather we’re having?’ or anything of the sort. And while, yes, you could feel that there was some sort of tension, it wasn’t consumingly awkward, more so that he now had someone closer to his personal space. You wheeled your chair a tad to the left, giving him a few more centimetres of space.

Loosening your wrists, you got to work organising the documents you were given to work on, and placed your miniscule box of allowed personal items into the built-in storage compartment of the desk.

Most of it was the usual, but there was a fair amount of it. By your estimates, this ‘test run’ of assessing your abilities would take about a week. So, opening a spreadsheet, you started working away.

Why financial accounting? Some of the people in your graduating class of high school had asked you. Boring! Others had said. But you knew then that there would be some sort of demand for that sort of job, despite the rise of technology that can help in that sector. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t exciting. But it provided. It allows you to separate your professional and personal life.

You had just about finished the first page of the paperwork when the man beside you got up. He hadn’t moved much since you had sat down earlier that morning where you almost forgot that he was even there.

Looking at the clock, you blinked in realisation.

It was lunch time, right on the dot.

You cleared your throat, the expected introduction making its way up through your vocal chords, the memorized monologue a bit rusty. But before you could even say ‘Hello’, your desk neighbour was already walking towards the door, leaving you sitting alone and blinking in mild surprise.

Okay then I guess.

Neverminding him, you stretched out your joints and limbs, the satisfying pop pop pop and burn never got old. Your stomach also growled in protest. Despite changing companies, your lunch was still at the same time, which you were grateful for.

Grabbing your water bottle and lunch bag you made your way to the lunchroom, recalling what your supervisor had said. Third door on the left side of the hall walking out of the office space.

Taking a steadying breath, you opened the door. Surprisingly there weren’t many others there, something else you were grateful for. You could handle about ten people in the space but not thirty or more. But it also made sense, people probably went out to one of the various restaurants and bakeries that you saw on your way in for lunch. But you also saw your desk neighbour, sitting at a table nursing a cup of coffee and keeping to himself.

Ah, so it wasn’t just a me thing… the guy is probably just introverted. You mentally noted, eyes going around the room to find a spot to sit. Nothing personal.

A man and a woman patted at a spot at their table as a quiet invitation, and you strided on over, glad that you didn’t have to stand in the same spot like a fool as you tried to calculate what was deemed as a decent spot.

“So,” the woman said, taking a break from sipping at her drink, “new hire?”

You expected this. “Transfer,” you answered, opening up and laying out your lunch.

She nodded her head before slipping the man next to her some coins. “Damn, lost the bet,” she sighed with a slight laugh.

“I told you,” the man breathed out, pocketing the change into his suit before turning to you. They were both expecting an introduction.

You finally put your practised introduction to use, and your lunch mates nodded.

“Well, I for one hope they keep you,” the man stated — Iwai Hideo —, “I hate crunching numbers. Stuff is tedious and mind numbing.”

The woman — Fukuzawa Chie — elbowed him, not so subtly trying to make him stop talking. “What he actually means is-”

You huffed out a quiet laugh, “It’s fine. I don’t mind doing the … tedious work.” I also hope they keep me. “And seeing the work get done is satisfying in a way.”

“Alright then,” Chie sighed in relief, but still gave Hideo a nasty look.

The rest of lunch was spent in an easy silence, no one feeling like it was awkward and enjoying their hour of food and free time. But when the clock hand struck the hour, Nanami got up and left the room almost immediately whereas everyone else took some time getting back to their desks.

You bidded Chie and Hideo goodbye, they wished you the best of luck at cementing your spot here. They seemed nice, and while you were good with numbers, you weren’t as gifted at dealing with social situations, but they didn’t seem to mind.

You got back to your desk though, and seeing how you had just a few things to go over plus that this paperwork you were working on wasn’t due for some time, you decided to place some of your few personal items. Placing your name plate in the far right corner (you had decided to place it similarly as your desk neighbour), a small desk calendar of some beaches next to your computer, and some stationary in the provided organiser. It wasn’t much, but you may add more later depending on how everything worked out.

Once satisfied, you sat upright and for the first time all day, Nanami was looking at you, not straight out but from the corner of his eye before going back to his work.

It had, what, been six-ish hours? And he had finally made a moment of eye contact and acknowledgment. You then also went back to work, and five minutes to the end of the work day you had finished the first assignment. Closing down your tabs and computer, you started gathering your things.

Once the hand struck the hour, you got up and so did Nanami.

You had turned your chair to the right, and he turned his to the left, leaving you both looking at each other very close.

“... pardon me,” he said, taking a step back, respecting your personal space.

“Sorry,” you offered at the same time, also taking a step back.

The two of you stood there for a moment, until you cleared your throat. “Sorry if I intruded on your space by the way.”

Nanami’s brows furrowed before relaxing, “It’s fine.”

You mentally sighed in relief, you know it was childish, but you were afraid that he would hate you for intruding on his space. “Okay, that’s good to know.”

He nodded in answer, “Well,” he placed his coat on, “have a good night.” And he strode off to the door.

You waited for a moment before placing your coat on and followed suit, not wanting to leave immediately after him.

The first day was done, arguably the most socially draining one, but it went better than expected. You made some acquaintances, your desk was how you liked it, and while yes your desk neighbour was quiet he was also polite and respected your space. All things considered, it went great.

And your routine continued. You and Nanami worked in silence next to each other besides the nod you shared to each other in the morning and when the work day ended. You spent your lunch breaks with Chie and Hideo. You felt comfortable.

Two months into working at the new office and you had finally started to feel more comfortable. Your old routine hadn’t changed as drastically as you thought it would.

Something was different today though, and it shouldn’t have bothered you as much as it did.

Nanami wasn’t in his chair.

Maybe he’s sick. Was what you were trying to tell yourself, but there was something gnawing at you. And apparently, the rest of the office took notice too.

Chie and Hideo took notice of your furrowed brows at lunch, both sharing a glance with each other.

“What’s the storm cloud that’s hovering over you,” Chie broke the silence, stirring around her food with her chopsticks. “Typically you’re clear skies, but,” she gestured her hands at you, “looks like you have a nasty black cloud hanging over your head.”

You stopped chewing, and swallowed your food, looking up to your friends. “... what?”

Hideo scratched at his chin, “You aren’t like yourself today.”

“Eloquent as ever, Hideo,” Chie muttered, the man shooting her a withering look which she ignored.

You fiddled with your hands under the table, hiding the nerves that had bubbled up. “Just … concerned about a coworker. He wasn’t at his desk this morning.” Why should I care? It isn’t any of my business.

Chie pursed her lips, thinking. “Oh yeahhhh,” she said, “Kento isn’t here, right?”

“You don’t know the guy, but I don’t think he would appreciate the casualness-” Hideo countered.

Kento? Your mind flashed back to the name plate next to your desk. Nanami K. ‘K’ as in Kento. In the two months that you had been here, you hadn’t even learned his given name, always just referring to him as Nanami.

“Yeah,” is what you answered with, “he doesn’t seem like the type to not come to work unless it was something serious.”

Hideo and Chie looked at you before looking at each other, a small smile forming on Chie’s face and Hideo looking tired.

“The guy is probably sick,” Hideo huffed.

Chie just rolled her eyes, “Boring answer as usual.” She wrote something down on a piece of paper and slid it over to you. “Here’s his number.”

You and Hideo both looked at her with questioning looks. Nanami Kento was not the type to give his number to someone without good reason.

“How the hell did you get that,” Hideo questioned.

Chie just shrugged, “I saw it on the lunch room sheet when we had that karaoke night a few months ago… decided to keep it just in case and look! It worked out!”

You looked at the number, and carefully placed it into your pocket. You didn’t know if you were going to use it, as it felt like an invasion of privacy. You didn’t know Nanami well, but you knew that he didn’t like to mix business with his personal life. Just in case though. Is what your brain said.

Lunch ended without any other interruptions and you went back to your desk, still, Nanami wasn’t there.

He wasn’t there the next day either.

Or the next.

Or for the rest of the week.

There was no sign of Nanami Kento.

And while your brain was trying to rationalise it, your gut was pacing back and forth. Something was wrong, be it a bad case of some illness or something worse.

You stared at his number as you were trying to relax after your work week, eyes flickering back and forth from your dinner on the stove and the scrawled numbers on the crumpled piece of paper.

Just in case.

Turning the burner on low, you typed in his number on your messenger, a text felt less intrusive than a call.

Hey, Nanami, it’s Y/N. I was just concerned and a coworker gave me your number to check in.

You hit send before you second guess yourself and back out of it, and shut off your phone and place it face down, turning back to your food. A minute later and there was a vibration.

Nanami Just under the weather. Thank you though for checking in.

You breathed out a sigh of relief that was building in your chest for a week.

Okay, I hope you feel better soon and let me know if you need anything.

Let me know if you need anything?! I can’t do anything! I don’t even know where he lives!

The dots on your screen stopped and there was another message on your phone.

Nanami Thank you but I’m fine.

Somehow I doubt that. But you didn’t press into it, instead taking his answer for what it is and turning back to your dinner before it could burn from the inattention. Your chest feels a bit lighter than it previously had.

You arrived early for work, something cold and heavy in your gut as you watched the clock. Knowing Nanami, he would walk in just as the hour started. Always in on time, always out on time, never staying earlier or later.

And as the hour turned, a familiar head of blond hair walked through the door and you watched as Nanami sat down in his chair next to you.

A million questions were at the edge of your tongue, but you stayed quiet. You were nothing more than work acquaintances. You doubted that he considered the two of you friends. But you missed him. His presence was a crucial part of your daily routine, and even though you didn’t know him well, you missed him.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” is what you offered instead, looking at him out of the corner of your eye.

Nanami looks back at you, and you notice that his eyes are a warm hazel brown but with something clouding them slightly. “... glad to be back,” he said back before turning to his work.

You didn’t press for answers, but did notice that he winced every so often, and that the hollows of his cheeks — damn, his cheekbones are defined — were more pronounced. He wasn’t showing it, but Nanami was tired and still recovering. Not from an illness, but on one of his missions he was critically injured. Shoko did her best, but he still wasn’t back to his 100%. Typically people didn’t notice nor care if he wasn’t at his day job, but something warm made its way into his chest. You had noticed.

You who had entered into his life randomly one day, and slowly cemented yourself there. Never pushing, never intruding, but cementing yourself nonetheless.

“I’m sorry if I worried you,” he said, barely above a whisper, as you were still working.

You glanced at him, as he never said anything while you both were working. “What for? You were ill, you can’t control that.”

Nanami hummed, “Fair enough. But, sorry that I worried you.”

You hummed back, which he took as an answer that you understood.

There was a shift in your relationship. Acquaintance didn’t do it justice. You both cared and respected each other too much.

“I don’t like worrying my … friend,” he huffed.

Friend.

You looked at him properly, before offering a smile, “Well, too bad, because I worry about my friends.” Nanami — Kento — looked back at you, at your smile, and he offered a small one back. “Noted. I’ll try my best so you don’t need to worry.”

Kento had been looking for his phone all morning with no luck. Typically he wouldn’t be as concerned, since he didn’t keep much on it, but now he was antsy trying to look for the damned thing.

“Didn’t know you were seeing someone, Nanami,” an all too irritating voice sang. Gojo Satoru was holding his phone while sprawled out on a chair. Of course he had his phone and was snooping around. “But, yeesh, they’re dry as can be. ‘Here’s the recipe for those chocolate muffins I brought in the other day that you liked.’ Tch.”

Kento felt his eye twitch as he calmly took back his phone. “They aren’t my partner,” he said, but something clenched in his heart. “And they aren’t dry.”

Satoru shrugged, “Defensive much! If they aren’t your partner…” a mischievous grin played out on his face, “can I have that muffin recipe?”

“Absolutely not,” he retorted sooner than he could think.

The grin grew wider, “See, defensive!~”

With his phone in hand, Kento left the room and his former high school as he made the trip back to his place. And even though he saw Satoru as an annoyance, something that had said had struck a chord with him.

Why am I defensive? And that weird clench in his chest.

That only increased once he saw what Satoru had changed your contact name in his phone to.

🤎 My Muffin 🤎

Oh… there’s that warm feeling again.

You had noticed something going on with Kento, he was back to being a bit distant which was odd.

You had, officially, been friends for four months, and you can hardly believe that it’s been six months since you had chosen to sit next to him. Today though, he had his walls up.

“Is something going on,” you asked once lunch had started, turning your seat to speak to him.

He looked towards you but not at you, which you noticed. “I didn’t sleep well,” he answered.

Technically it was true. After what Gojo had said and what he had changed your name to in his phone — which Kento hadn’t had the heart to change back — he barely got any sleep, instead laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling.

He knew that he cared for you, but to what depths he did not know. He layed in bed into the late hours of the night, going over his own conflicting thoughts. He envisioned your future as friends, and he was content with that, but then his thoughts wandered. They wandered into something more than what you two currently have. A chaste kiss to the back of his wrist. Hugging you. Your chilly hands wandering under his shirt trying to get warm on a winter’s night. Waking up next to you. Kissing you. Holding you. Being the reason why you laugh and smile.

The depths were then known, and they went far deeper than just platonic feelings.

The dark circles under his eyes were from lost sleep, yes, but also from a future he knew wouldn’t come to fruition. A future that he knew would only bring you heartache and pain, and even the moments of warmth and peace isn’t worth that.

You knew you weren’t going to get much else for an answer, so you just gave him a small smile. “Alright, but I’m always here if you want to talk about it, Kento.”

You had said his given name before, but now he wished that he never had told you to use his name by the way that his heart grew warm. He didn’t say anything though and just nodded, and then walked out of the office for his lunch, something else that was new.

Your lunch hour was quiet, and your mind elsewhere, wondering what made Kento switch his routine. He was predictable. He was stable. What could make him change from usual?

“Who are you thinking about,” Hideo asked, sipping his coffee.

You looked up to find Chie and Hideo looking at you, and you stopped stirring your soup. How long had I been stirring it?

“Who am I thinking about?” You parroted back, unsure of what he was leading on about.

Chie groaned, “Yeah, you have this concerned dopey look on your face. So, spill. Who are you pining after? If they hurt you, so help me–”

Pining?! “I’m not pining after anyone,” you muttered, taking a sip of your soup. Damn, it’s cold. “… what would make you think that?”

“My brother had the same look on his face, poor bastard fell hard,” Hideo said. “And you’ve had … this lightness around you for the past few months and it’s not as light, if that makes sense.”

The only thing that had changed was that you were concerned about Kento, your friend. Your brain always emphasised the friend part, yet your heart always felt warm when you were around him. You rationalised that it would pass, yet it hasn’t. It’s been five months and it hasn’t passed. You’ve had crushes before, but they always passed and never stayed this long.

You can’t have a crush on a coworker, let alone a friend, that’s two cans of worms in one. Yet, as Hideo and Chie keep on chatting, you’re analysing the past six months. Trying to find where these mushy feelings started to arise.

Maybe it was when you had gotten Kento to genuinely laugh, with the way you had felt your face warm from the sound. Or discovering that he enjoyed listening to emo music, envisioning the usually stoic and proper man listening to it felt like whiplash yet it made so much sense. Or the way his eyes would unconsciously seek you out in the morning, the weak sunlight illuminating his eyes into warm pools of amber. Or just how he treated others, respectful.

It was everything.

Yet you hadn’t acted out on these feelings, not wanting to ruin everything that you’ve built with him. Which has left you a pining mess. Wanting to reach out, but not wanting to get too close to the candle in fear of getting burnt.

“I,” you whispered quietly, “don’t want to ruin what we have.”

Chie and Hideo went quiet, giving you a sympathetic look before looking at each other, silently communicating with each other.

“Would you be happy with what you currently have though?” Chie asked, placing her hand on top of yours, rubbing soothing patterns into the skin.

You thought about it. Could I be happy?

You envisioned Kento, a few years in the future, arm around his partner’s waist as he introduces you as his friend. The thought alone leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. You never thought yourself to be the jealous type, but the thought of that imaginary person made the emotion flare.

“… no.”

Hideo, clapped you on the shoulder, “Well, that’s your answer! What are you waiting for then?”

The rest of the day passed agonisingly slow, and Kento was still closed off.

You didn’t speak to him at all, the tension making your throat dry, but every time you glanced over to him you noticed his eyes dart back to his work quickly.

Tonight, after work. You told yourself, busying yourself with an easy assignment, everything adding up nicely.

If only this was as easy.

Finally, as the hand hit the hour and Kento got up, you tapped him on the shoulder, garnering his attention.

“Kento, I have to tell you something,” you breathed out.

The dreaded sentence, ‘I need to tell you something.’ just as foreboding as ‘We need to talk.’

He stopped, and tensed. Waiting.

You cleared your throat, realising that you were in the office, and you really didn’t need HR finding out. “But, outside.”

Kento followed three steps behind you, keeping a bit of distance but still close. The elevator ride down was tense and awkward, and he wanted to say something but stayed quiet. He was keeping his distance, but he had felt the warmth of your friendship, he so badly wanted it, but instead of the steady flicker of a candle flame, he wanted it to be a crackling fire. Brighter. Warmer. More intense. So he stood a respectful distance, even though he wanted to reach out.

The two of you walked out into the courtyard, and once you reached the sidewalk, you turned to him, fiddling with your hands.

“Do you … like being around me, Kento?”

Kento blinked a few times. Do I like being around you? Do living things like breathing? I can’t imagine not being around you. “Yes,” he said instead, “what brought this up?” He knew full well what brought this up, and he was mentally kicking himself for how his behaviour had made you feel.

You took in a breath, steadying yourself. “Just, you’ve been avoiding me… cold in a sense. Something felt off, and,” you paused, digging your nails into your palms, enough to sting, “I really like being around you, it hurts when you aren’t around.”

His eyes searched in yours, and he heard his heartbeat roar like waves hitting the shore.

“I don’t just really like being around you, I-” you took a breath, “I love you, Kento.”

I love you, Kento. Played through his head, and it felt like everything stopped.

You waited with bated breath for his answer, but you weren’t expecting his hand to enclose around your own, bringing them up to his chest. You could feel his heart pounding erratically.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and your world felt like it was crumbling down. “I adore you.” He brought your wrist to his lips and placed a kiss to your pulse, closing his eyes. “I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“What fools we are,” you laugh.

Kento hummed, “Fools plural?”

You nodded, “I… I’ve liked you for a while and I didn’t want to ruin what we have by confessing but,” you motioned to your current situation, “looks like I had nothing to fear. Kento, you will never lose me.”

You moved your one hand to his neck, tracing a circle with your thumb, “And if you do, I’ll find you again.”

The both of you were close, and he closed the distance by placing a kiss to your lips, still chaste, but you could feel the heat behind it, the emotions left unsaid made abundantly clear. You bit the bullet and deepened it, feeling him sigh and relax against you.

Sure, switching companies made you nervous, upset that your routine had changed. That the former stability was gone. But, without it you would have never ended up like this.

You never would have found Kento.

#jjk #jjk x reader #jjk x gn reader #nanami kento #nanami kento x reader #nanami kento x gn reader #jjk fluff #nanami kento fluff #my writing #x reader #... i wrote this in under 4 hours and then an hour for editing and making a banner thing that i liked #anywho i do hope people enjoy this since i enjoyed writing this #and gege THIS is what nanami deserves you *shakes that one-eyed cat*#i always forget that i enjoy writitng and am surprised when i can just write one out with no issues #unfortunately that isn't the case most of the time

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mars-ipan · 1 day ago

Note

Mars i fear i may be dying of the plague. I have coughed blood into my sink twice now and my throat feels like I gave really aggressive oral to a scrubdaddy spongue.

Do you have any priest au thoughts/scenarios/rambles to sooth a troublde lad such as mysrlf🙏🙏

hemo. as a guy who has also coughed up blood somewhat recently. it may be time to go to an urgent care and make sure it’s nothing serious. there’s a pretty nasty pneumonia going around rn and if that IS what it is the sooner you get those antibiotics the faster you’ll recover.

as for priest au stuffs: the election kinda killed my creative flow (we’re ballin but we’re stressed) BUT i’ve been trying to flesh out hajime’s backstory a bit for the the past few days so here’s some bullet point brainstorming on that :D

check under the cut for the goods, as per usual ^_^ tw for mentions of child abuse, and also a general warning for priest au-typical horny talk and homophobia

i’ve been thinking abt hajime’s childhood/past a lot, partially bc i don’t feel fully confident writing him until i have the details of his backstory fleshed out. i think his dad was more of the aggressive “no son of mine” type of homophobic, where his mom was more of the “hate the sin love the sinner” type of homophobic. it’s cliché maybe but like. traditional catholic family values yanno. his family does differ from traditional catholicism in one way though: hajime is an only child.

i don’t think hajime was ever The Manliest Man growing up. yeah he was strong from helping on the farm, but he never felt the need to flaunt his masculine attributes. he never wanted to impress girls, he never initiated an arm-wrestling contest, and once he hit teenagerhood he quit wrestling with his friends altogether. when his friends asked him why he never roughhouses with them anymore, he tensed up and mumbled something about it being “weird” and “immature.”

he showed a lot of delicacy towards nature as well, a trait he carries into adulthood! rescuing turtles from roads, gently rehoming bugs, taking care not to step on wildflowers, that sort of thing. he was teased for this growing up :( he’d be compared to a disney princess and the like or just be called a pussy for Caring About The World Around Him. while he still loves nature and knows there’s nothing wrong with that, he does get embarrassed if his gentleness is pointed out— he’s anticipating some sort of reprimand.

been trying to think about hajime’s gay awakening. i imagine once he hit puberty he started having vague… thoughts. they weren’t attached to anyone but he kept it secret anyways since Lust Is A Sin and Masturbation Is A Sin Too and he’s not interested in growing hair on his palms or going blind (he later finds out that those are myths, but for now he heeds the tales), nor is he interested in the scolding he would get from his parents if they found out. from there we have two main options as i see it.

option A: in a parallel of the magazine he finds in Jabberwock, teen!hajime comes across some sort of gay porn. it’s completely accidental— he finds a mag or some other paraphernalia in a log or something, opens it, Realizes what is is, looks around for witnesses, and quickly stuffs it into his jacket. he’s not even sure why, but he knows he’s curious. as soon as he gets home he hides it between his mattress and his bedframe, and that night, when he’s sure his parents are asleep, he grabs a flashlight and starts to look through it. he doesn’t understand why he’s so fascinated until he realizes: he’s breathing heavily, hot in the face, absentmindedly rubbing his thighs together, and, most incriminatingly of all, he’s the hardest he’s ever been in his life. mortified, he shoves the magazine back under his mattress and tries his best to forget about what he saw, tossing and turning as he tries to calm down and go to sleep.

option B: hajime is really close with one of his peers. they’re childhood friends, and they’ve gotten along great forever. at some point, though, hajime starts feeling weird around him. not BAD weird, but… he’s nervous, and his skin seems to buzz whenever they touch, and his heart flutters when he makes his friend laugh, and… he can’t make sense of it all. not until he wakes up one night from a particularly vivid dream, chest heaving, skin covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and his sheets soiled with the evidence of his subconscious sin. he realizes what’s going on, and his heart sinks into his stomach. he does his best to ignore it, but it haunts him.

we could also combine these options and say both of these things happen, but idk yet. i like the loneliness of the porn but i also like the guilt of having to talk to your close friend and pretend you aren’t feeling confusing and frightening things for them.

hajime lives at home until his early adulthood, when he is Caught. if we went with option A for his awakening, then he comes home one day to find The Porn sitting on the kitchen table, its pages now crinkled from years of viewing, and his heart sinks into his stomach. he’s not sure how they found it— maybe his mom was cleaning his room and lifted his mattress? but it doesn’t matter— they Know now, and he has no way to explain himself.

if we go with option B, hajime is caught with that “good friend” of his. he had snuck in via hajime’s bedroom window, at a time they both were sure hajime’s parents would be asleep. unfortunately, hajime’s dad comes up to his room (hajime never learns the original intent of this visit) and opens the door to find his son, hair and clothes a mess, with the neighbor boy straddling his thighs, hands clearly paused in the middle of lifting up his son’s shirt. it’s silent for a bit, and the tension in the air is so heavy hajime feels like he can barely breathe. still, he breaks out of the stupor first, muttering a quiet “you need to go” to his friend without breaking eye contact with his father. the friend gets the message and bolts, leaving via the same window he came from. hajime is now alone with his father, so guilty and scared that he feels nauseous.

regardless of which of these events occurs, the outcome is the same. hajime’s father responds first, yelling and berating. hajime is terrified— he’s seen his dad mad, but never like this. never shouting obscenities and vile words at him. when told to explain himself hajime stumbles over his words, eventually landing on some variant of “i don’t know.” eventually, his father decides words aren’t punishment enough, and hajime gets the shit beat out of him for the first time in his life. he tries to defend himself, but he’s never been much of a fighter, and he doesn’t want to hit his dad, self defense or not. when his father finally storms off, his mother comes near, her eyes brimming with tears. she holds her arms out to hajime, tells her baby to come here. hajime, aching and bruised and perhaps with a freshly broken nose, collapses into his mother’s arms, silently crying into her shoulder as she pets his hair. she holds him close, rocking them from side to side, before she speaks. “oh, hajime, darling,” she starts, voice thick with tears and love, “i’m sorry. we’ve failed you, haven’t we? that’s why you’re doing this to us.” hajime’s stomach curdles at those words, and he quickly excuses himself, washing the blood off his face in the bathroom sink before he locks himself in his room.

regardless of the guilt he carries— he knew he was sinning, after all— hajime knows he is no longer safe at home. his father had never beat him like that before, and he doesn’t know that he would be able to walk away if it happened again. he doesn’t want to leave his mother, but he could tell that she was disgusted by him, too, her words still echoing in his mind. so, hajime packs as many of his things as he can fit into his suitcase, and the next day he leaves town, never letting himself look back. he job hops for a bit before he manages to get his house in Jabberwock— he got really, really lucky with the price of the property.

hajime hasn’t talked to anyone from his hometown since he left, and while he still has his parents’ landline number memorized, he doesn’t dare call. his dad’s probably disowned him, anyhow. sometimes he wonders how the people he grew up with are doing, but he can’t bring himself to go back. it’s not home anymore.

#ask #hemo #priest au #come get your lore dump! this time it’s Sad Mode #do heed that tw though. i get a little intense in this one #sorry hajime i keep putting you through the wringer. in my defense it’s compelling as shit #poor guy…. bruised and bloodied and shaking like a battered shelter dog #i like how a backstory like this sets up hajime’s personality. he was taught to be disgusted by himself #and he knows for a fact that letting word get out about his sin leads only to pain #so of course he’s secretive and self-loathing and all that jazz. of course he’s easy to manipulate #it also makes the church an even greater place of refuge for him #bc for one. father komaeda is going to Save him. he won’t need to be disgusted #and secondly. a church is safe and sacred. father komaeda won’t let anyone hurt him. he’s not in danger there #i also wanna draw some level of parallel between hajime’s father and Father Komaeda. partially bc of the shared title #and partially as a reference to the catholic family power structure and how that applies to other dynamics as well :]#i think it’d be fun if komaeda raises a hand to put on hajime’s shoulder and hajime Flinches. that’s yum #anywho hope this was satisfactory. feel better soon hemo get urself a cough drop

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