#anyways. yea. i'll stop rambling now

[maka-moved]

some postal dude gender headcanons since someone was interested hehe (i'm mostly talking about p2 here, but these could apply to any of the dudes probably)

trans postal dude is really fascinating to me cause i think he'd be quite a different character from a lot of modern trans rep. like, dude is a (relatively) older guy from from rural arizona, who was likely raised in a fairly conservative and religious household, so i think it's safe to assume that he wouldn't have access to much of the resources or terminology that we have now. growing up, he might've known a little about queer people from word of mouth and the few magazine articles he could find on the topic, but for the most part it was a lot of figuring things out on his own.

his adolescent years were really messy and all over the place, he definitely did a lot of experimentation during that time. a lot of sneaking out of his parent's house after dark to hang out in the back alleys with the other weirdos like him. during this time he was still closeted and figuring things, i don't think he really started presenting and identifying as a guy until his mid 20s when he moved away from his parents, and even then he had to go stealth. though keep in mind that's he's a broke bastard living in the middle of nowhere, so he had to DIY a lot of shit.

surgery of any kind is not an option, so that meant he had to work with what little he had. fortunately for him, he's able to pass fairly well with a sports bra, some rolled up socks, and baggy clothes. it's why he almost never takes off that huge trench coat he's always wearing, aside from it just generally being a source of comfort and pride for him. he also started taking hormones when he moved away from his parents, which i like to think uncle dave helped him acquire (albeit through dubiously legal means).

so maybe dude wouldn't make for "good" trans rep, but he's alive and himself against all odds and that's what i love about this headcanon

for dude, transitioning has its ups and downs. on one hand it's incredibly liberating to dress and act and be the way you've always wanted to, but on the other hand it can be quite lonely and difficult too. dude already has to constantly keep his guard up, constantly be vigilant of the people around him and how he's being perceived, but being one of the few queer people in a small town compounds that even further. plus i imagine that he probably has a lot of complicated feelings about his gender and sexuality that he doesn't really know what to do with on account of being really repressed and all that.

[kumakuma-circus]

just randomly remembered that during my like 10+ attempts at the shadow yukiko fight i more or less consistently ran out of revival beads so yosuke was just dead (well unconscious but whatever) on the ground for like half the fight gfhfjvhfhfhd-

[deadrlngers]

so uh did some of kind of pre-interview for a job. i felt like they poured cold ice on me but the boss was surprisingly very nice to me i guess bc he knows my brother pretty well and the other girl taking my info was nice so idk why i'm still shitting myself about this. anyways next week they will give me a call or smth and we'll do an actual interview and yea. just hope everything goes smoothly

[nolan-chance]

I don't know why (I know why) I've been thinking about a genderbend version of, you guessed it, my boy. I don't really like those (? BUT I'm sure her name would be Nora Chance. Yes, Nora Chance my girl

[silassinclair]

Hello there! So this is my first time requesting since i just started following you. So let me tell you, your Yandere Wild West Outlaw got me absolutley smitten and obsessed! i love your writing so much!!

Anyway back to the main subject and on with the request.

What about Maddox with an EXTRA Sassy darling. Like, full of and fluent on sarcasm (the kind that makes you go: DAAAAMN). The darlin' has a sharp tongue and retorts for any kind of bad words might be thrown towards her (and maybe, way later in the relationship, towards Maddox too). From really polite f-u's to tge sthraightfoward ones, she can reply and roast anyone.

Oh and a bonus head cannon (a little something that came to mind) after reading about the wedding rings. I can totally imagine the darling going from questioning about where Maddox "buys" all the weird gifts to just becoming immune, later in the relationship. Let's say Maddox comes back (to the temporary) home with a very strange object, like A very expensive porcelain/china vase and the darling just goes: "oh thank you. Please put it on the table. I'll be done with the soup and then take care of it"

Yea anyway i'll stop rambling now.

Sorry for the bad english. It's not my first language and it is past midnight here.

Have a great day/night ✨

We love sassy girlboss Y/n’s here. Thank you for submitting this request anon!! Hope it is to your liking <3

Yandere Wild West Outlaw x Sassy Reader

CW// Y/n is a bully, Maddox gets his ego hurt, Maddox gets angry, Maddox is dumb

Masterlist

Maddox immediately knew that you were a spitfire when he first had a conversation with you. You weren’t the typical damsel in distress who when captured by the evil outlaw you’re forced into submission.

Oh no. There’s not a drop of submission in your body.

Maddox thought you would be useful to have around. You’d be his own personal maid! Maybe even like a housewife. But no…

“Clean my laundry if ya’ wanna live to see anotha’ day.”

“Alright alright, calm your tits. What should I clean first? The shirt with sweat marinated into the fabric or the undies with shit stains?”

“THERE AIN’T ANY SHIT ON MY UNDIES MISSY! IT’S DIRT!”

You’re a total pain in the ass. Whenever he tried to act cool or intimidating you’d immediately shoot it down with your words.

He hates it when you ruin his moment in front of other people.

He got really pissed after you made a jab at him in the middle of a duel.

“It’s just you an’ me boy. But we both know who’ll be standin’ by the end of this.”

“Hopefully it isn’t you.”

“SHUT UP Y/N! GET YOUR TUSH BACK INSIDE, I’M TRYNA’ HAVE A DUEL!”

Punishes you by tying you up and leaving you outside for the night.

He ignores your complaints about coyotes or rattlesnakes. He needs you to shut your mouth and give him some peace.

After that night of punishment though he noticed how you wouldn’t really talk to him often.

“Go shine my boots. And I don’t wanna hear a single complaint outta ya’.”

“Okay.”

“…”

Okaay so he fucked up.

The days drag on so slow without your quips and jabs! He never realized how funny the things you said are now that you’re gone.

Well you’re not gone, just more closed off now. But you may as well be gone. This isn’t like you at all to be so quiet and reclusive!

Maybe he was too rough in you? He did kill your Father and force you to be his housewife maid.

So doing what he does worst, he apologizes.

“Hey, ‘bout that one time I left ya’ outside. I realize that was silly of me cus ya’ coulda gotten eaten. So that was my bad.”

“So you’re sorry?”

“Yeah.”

He’s brushing Jasper’s fur, telling the horse how good he is. Cleaning Jasper is the only chore Maddox likes to do himself.

You’re sitting on a tree stump watching the man talk to his horse.

“You know Jasper’s a horse right?”

“Oh really? I thought he was a dog.”

The small smirk on your face after his little quip made Maddox feel like a million bucks.

That’s when he learned that he likes seeing you happy.

After the “Marriage”: (Read about it Here)

“Uhm what’s all this?” You ask your unofficial husband.

“This-”

He puts a brown sack down on the table. The sound of the contents inside clang together as he dumps it all out. A dozen chipped fine china plates come out.

“Is how we make our house a home sweetness. I hear housewives go crazy over fancy dishes n’ shit.”

Maddox stands there with a proud grin underneath his masked face. (He still hasn’t showed you his face yet btw.) He was like a dog showing his owner how good he is at retrieving sticks when playing fetch.

You look at him with an unimpressed quirk of your brow. “And where did you happen to come across such fine china may I ask?”

He shrugs and comes around the table to wrap his arms around you from behind.

“A buddy gave em to me.” His deep voice reverberates in your ear.

“Did you hold your so called buddy at gunpoint?”

“Would you be mad if I said yes?”

You groan and shakes your head back and forth. “Maddox you know you can’t just go around taking people’s stuff! Now the sheriff was probably alerted and is looking for you now. And why did you steal a bunch of plates!? Jasper can’t carry all this shit! We should only have what is necessary for survival you brute. Are you even listening to me!?”

But he only looks at you with lovesick eyes as you complain about how stupid he is.

“Princess did I ever tell you how sexy you are when you’re mad at me?” His hands go lower down your waist.

Rolling your eyes you smack his hands and leave his embrace, leaving him standing by himself like a kicked puppy.

“I have a meal to make so set the table with those plates you got. And no more stealing people’s things!”

“Yes ma’am.”

I appreciate all the requests that come in!! But I just want to remind all of you about my rules and that I do NOT write Y/n as a specific race. My writing is for everybody to enjoy!! She’s race ambiguous. Many people request that I write a Black Y/n but I’m not black so I won’t be doing that. If I write for a specific race then I feel like I’d just be stereotyping what black people are supposed to act like. So please don’t ask me to write for a Y/n that is a specific race. Thank you.

[u3pxx]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S 2024?!?!

next, you're gonna tell me it's gonna be some made-up year like "2025" next. tch, imagine that.

anyways, whoo! 2023! compared to both 2022 and 2021, i gotta say, my art style took a hard swerve in some direction this year. i mean, look at that klavier from january and that butch kim from just this december! (granted, i heavily referenced the portrait of butch kim but still, i didn't use to paint! mama mia!)

---

the way i drew faces has definitely changed, that's what i get for getting into something that's live-action and into smth that has realistically proportioned art lol

OH! OH! HOW COULD I FORGET!!! IT WAS (and still will be) THE YEAR OF THE OLD MAN!! i really learned how to draw aged faces this year! ach fraulein, i have not stopped drawing people in their 40's-50's! i would say "send help" but i'm actually having a lot of fun ASKSKS

---

i think a funny thing about these art summaries i've done is that they're mostly ace attorney but then there's just a month where i become a different type of ill LMAO this year it was four months for the price of two new interests!

cheers! here's to 2024!!! hope y'all have a fun art year!!!!

---

i'm gonna ramble more below about like, other art things i did this year but i'm gonna put it under 'keep reading' bc this baby is getting way too wordy now WHEEZES

1. FAVORITE THINGS I'VE DRAWN THIS YEAR (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

⚖️ mea culpa comic [x]

drawing this one was so time-consuming and ambitious but boy, do i love the end result! i had fun doing the inks for this one but was it a lot! i usually color in lineart and render everything but i had to stop myself from doing it for this one bc man, i'll die asksks

this also has some of my favorite apollos i've drawn, definitely

also! the part about the lineart not being colored and no rendering ended up being a deliberate stylistic choice for this one bc i had like more freedom to do just shadows with inks without it looking too out of place.

💐 my lawfully wedded zine spread [x]

now this one isn't out yet but take my word for when i say that this is one of the most craxy things i've ever drawn for this year, on account of drawing a comic AND group shot all in one!

also literally one of the prettiest things i've rendered this year, lookit that klav...

🎉 aa4 redraw - 2022 anniversary [x]

kind of like my wedding zine piece, group photos are insane, and rendering like uhhh [looks at drawing] 11 CHARACTERS IS ALSO INSANE if i try and draw a group photo again you have to stop me DFGHDJ

🎨 my art fight stuff [x] [x]

was possessed in the month of july or smth bc i pumped out like how many drawings so quickly (before i got burnt out that is pftt)

pace yourselves and don't be like me pls ajshgdghhjk

💥 people park day [x]

my friend told me that it was very obvious i watched across the spiderverse when they saw this FDFGHJD

but yea! this is when i started getting really into like, thought bubbles or just like, panels or drawings within a drawing when coming up with layouts

i still love the colors on this one...

🪩 fem disco portraits

ok so i haven't uploaded these yet but you have to trust me when i say that something was in the water DFGHDJ

who knew that all it took for me to learn how to paint was butches

2. ALSO DID YOU KNOW THAT I SOLD STICKERS THIS YEAR IN OUR UNI'S ART MART?

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THAT SCHOOL I SWEAR PFTTT this experience has also awaken the merch beast in me and i need to make more physical things for my brain to be happy, that's just how it be pfttt

hopefully next year i can actually start like a shopee shop or whatever lmao

3. ART FIGHT

i'm actually quite happy i got to participate in art fight this year! very delighted for all the art i've gotten and very fun to have drawn for others too!!

4. ZINES

i got invited and joined so many zines from 2022 continuing to 2023 that i kind of got burnt out from participating for now ngl ASKSKSKS not gonna be joining much this year oopsiessss! (unless i lose self-control [very likely])

5. SCHOOL

i don't actually like a lot of the stuff i draw for art school bc i tend to cram and not have fun pftt <- adhd moment, tragic! but here are some that i actually kind of like lol

6. THAT'S IT!

i think that's it! thanks for reading all the way down here!! o(*￣▽￣*)ブ

[seonghw4ffles]

daydream

" it's your world, and i'm just in it. "

playing boy in luv, after school, happy fools ...

hongjoong x fem!reader

au: highschool

genre: grumpy!reader x sunshine!hongjoong, pure fluff, bad test score comfort, hongjoongs cocky but not really, first kiss

w/c: 1.4k

summary: you don't understand what went wrong. you're known to be the winner of these competitive exams, as the top a-grade student of the entire school, and it seems like your reputation has now been crushed. as the scoreboard was displayed, your name didn't fit in second place. your eyes, widened, follows north to the victor, and you're now in greater shock at who it is. kim hongjoong? how is he there?? he's absent less than half the time, class clown, and a jerk. he is the last person you could ever guess who held the capability of defeating you.

tw: ice cream, especially mint chocolate if that tells you anything, drenching rain, skibidi toilet idk

note: yeah if u could guess yea i got an ass test score and its the WORST when ur a perfectionist yeah this is just pure comfort, its NOT proofread cuz i just rambled on and on w this, and its so rushed for A REASON chat oh and also i wanna get back at him for hating my favourite ice cream flavour.

"heyyyy…"

hongjoong stands as he listens through the bathroom door, hearing the sobs of his nightmares. his ears instinctively presses to the gap between the door and the wall.

"hongjoong, go away."

"that's not nice."

he is genuinely inexperienced in this type of situation. he never cared, because he had nobody to comfort anyway, but at this moment, he wishes he spent his whole life studying therapy. he lightly trembles on his feet only listening to you cry. he does not know what to say.

"do… do you want to talk about it..?" he asks gently.

"you already know."

"yeah, but…"

hongjoong's fists clench. he always thought it was easy to comfort someone, but he now realises how impossible it seems to be. he strikes the restrictive, annoying door with his fist out of irritation.

"stop crying."

"get lost."

hongjoong loudly groans, slumping against the bathroom door downwards to end up sitting on the dirty floor. despite the crowds walking around the corridors to leave the school like escaping from a torture chamber, he can hear your crying way too clearly. he knows he probably looks crazy to be sitting against the door of the women's bathroom, but it is quite literally the last thing he is concerned about. you cannot ruin your own reputation if you never had one at all.

"come onn, 82% is not bad at all," he whines, really trying his best to convince you.

"compared to my other test scores, it looks disgusting."

your voice cracks, and so does hongjoong.

he slowly turns to look at the door. "hey… if it makes you feel better, wooyoung got 59%," he says, gently and affectionately, in hopes that it would comfort you.

"i don't care about wooyoung."

hongjoong slams his fist against the door once again.

"you're being annoyinggggg!! just come ouuutttt!!!!!!"

"no."

he groans again, loudly, leaning his head back. the stubbornness is killing him, and hongjoong is not one for patience. he never understood why a boy would want to sit against a public womens bathroom all for a girl… until you. however, all that frustration suddenly dissolves after he hears you giggle.

his head snaps up, and his heart flutters.

"y/n, if you come out, we can go to the park and get ice cream. i'll pay. to make you feel better."

˖ ࣪⭑

"there were 15 choices, and out of every single flavour, you chose mint chocolate??" he mumbles, looking sickened by the strange green coloured ice cream you're grasping. he sounds as if he did not intend for you to hear, as if he was merely saying aloud of what's on his mind.

"you don't like mint chocolate??" your head snaps as you reply, more than surprised.

"i don't understand why people would like such a thing."

"i don't think i can continue talking to you anymore."

"why would you like something that tastes exactly like toothpaste?"

"toothpaste?!-" you repeat loudly, now leaning your head lower to investigate him as he mindlessly consumes his ice cream, rising in astonishment the longer this topic is being talked about. your friend, seonghwa, has the same view and oftenly uses the same point against you. you sometimes wonder why everyone that knows you is always against you in almost everything. 

"you're literally eating rainbow flavour. you can't be more shallow than that," you rebut.

"what?"

"mint adds personality. rainbow flavour... what are we? five??"

he is bewildered by what you said.

"EXCUSE ME?!?>>!?!>?!?!!??!>?!" hongjoong exclaims. "i got the highest of the whole school, thank you very much, little miss smarty girl or whatever."

being the competitive person you are, the topic brought up annoys you. you're still tremendously salty about the outcome of that event. you really expected to be first, like all those other times.

he is one great child of mischief. he listens to no one, and is involved in every physical fight. schoolwork is nothing to him, considering his awful reports of missing assigments. however, you are the complete opposite. sure you're straight a's but you also work hard, hence the term 'lazy genius' throws you off the most.

hongjoong seems visibly amused by your silence, as if nothing was funnier.

you huff. "how did you get FULL MARKS on that damn test??"

"oh," he laughs. "math is easy."

"go away from me," you immediately respond.

"heehee~~"

but despite that, you never felt so easily reassured after such a plight like that until now. sure, you're disappointed, but the stroll with hongjoong strangely makes everything okay.

the conversations turned into silence, enjoying the outside, appreciating the beauty of the city. and maybe, just subtly, each other as well.

nothing felt more fulfilling.

you walk across the city, greatly dazzled by a few paintings displayed on the exterior of a building. "you like art?" you ask hongjoong, witnessing the way he immerses in them. he never appeared to be one with a passion for such things. "yeah. i can't create art, though, which is a shame."

unlike him, you liked creating art a lot. you were known to be a good artist by many. in fact, there was a temporary art exhibition held at your school not long ago, involving pieces developed by countless students, including yours. you remember him being the last one there as a guest after everyone left satisfied, although couldn't recall a piece with his name.

"you spent a lot of time at the school's exhibition."

"it's really cool that i'm within a community of many great artists."

it's indeed very odd for a clown like him to appreciate something so much, especially one that involves the most patience, such as art.

"hongjoong, which painting was your favourite?" you ask, your eyes gazing at the public creations drifting past as you walk.

"truthfully? yours," he says with no hesitation.

you slowly turn towards him, quite unexpected of that answer. "huh?"

"yours. whenever i observe them, i feel like i'm somewhere else. a dream, perhaps, rather than mere paint on a canvas."

he catches you surprised, and he smiles.

you never really felt this flattered. nobody complimented your art with such sincerity. maybe this hongjoong guy in your class isn't as bad as you depicted him to be.

the walk continued, and it was wonderful.

˖ ࣪⭑

"it's OKAY that you're upset! it's a GOOD thing!!"

he laughs, breaking free from under the umbrella to spin around in the soaking rain. hongjoong turns to you with an invincible, illuminant smile.

all you could do was dread school, everything, after that test score.

but despite the desperately falling rain, the cold breeze and the faded sunshine, he remains happy. it seems as if there is truly nothing he fears. he stands out in the darkness. he has the glamorous ability to make an environment so suffocating into a moment so beautiful. before hongjoong, you never noticed the refreshing smell of dew that blooms in wet weather, or the raindrops creating beautiful rings on the puddles of the ground. yet, you still cannot decide if hongjoong's mysterious enthusiasm was rather impressive or just infuriating.

"can you just… stop being so… you, right now?"

you stop walking, tightening your grip on the umbrella while staring right at him, watching him pause and turn around.

you both stare in silence at one another, your surroundings of the threatening winds and rain now feeling louder than before. in merely a few words, the adrenaline mood that hongjoong has constructed has now vanished within the harsh winds. the sudden tension causes you to instantly drown into deep regret.

"hongjoong… i just-"

you are cut off by his large, sudden step towards you. he holds out his hand, and you flinch at the sudden touch from your cheeks to your soaked hair. he hides a stream carefully behind your ear as he gazes. his fingers felt so soft and gentle, despite that it is the hands of your greatest academic rival. he smiles, and you feel as though he has reached through you and mended your stone-cold heart.

he brings his face closer, now inches away.

"i know," he mutters. it is the only few words you needed to recover.

"as much as i like you, y/n, i'm going to kindly decline that offer."

he was quiet, but was close enough for you to listen to every word he says and every detail of his voice. his voice sounds treasuring, his words felt soothing, and the way your name leaves his mouth makes you a little happier.

and he kisses you.

he kisses you like there was nothing else in the world. like the rain wasn't pouring, like the cars weren't tumultuous. you felt warm.

you were unable to fully comprehend this entire situation before he already stepped backwards. his smile remains wide, despite his completely soaked frame, continuing to be a target for the clouds to rain on.

"now, if you continue to waste time, i'm dragging you home before you catch a cold."

[r1poutmygvtz]

longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

[glassclosetsecrets]

Another one of my disorganized depression rambles. Just some more racing thoughts I'm trying to get out of my head.

I feel so worthless today. I'm starting to think I'm annoying and maybe that's why none of my irl friends (or boyfriend; it's a complicated situation) hang out with me or even game with me. (The other day he said to me "that's why your friends never hung out with you!; he knows words like that hurt me) I've been basically ignored all day today and it's really hitting me hard. Cant stop crying but if I dont stop crying asap he will probably be even more angry, or annoyed with me (my tears seem to trigger him I guess? He'll either get mad or annoyed when I'm crying and basically call me immature) I cant tell if I'm overthinking or I'm genuinely being gaslit.

Edit; modern abby anderson would NEVER treat her gf like this. Maybe I am being gaslight, emotionally abused? Anyways once abby noticed you're clearly looking a bit sad she would immediately panic;

"Baby? What's wrong?!"

She would literally pull you into a hug.

"You know you can talk to me about anything baby, yea?"

Even if you get choked up and cant talk right away, and you just need to get the tears out;

"Deep breaths baby. Come on, I'll do them with you. Now breathe in..... good, that's good; now hold it... and let it out."

And if you just needed a good cry to let things out, she would have zero issue lending her shoulder to cry on, rubbing soft circles on the back of your neck.

"Its okay baby... just let it out."

Once you're all calmed down she would set up a cute little movie night in the living room with plenty of pillows and blankets for you guys to cuddle close.

"I made you your favorite tea. Got some honey in there too, for my honey."

God she'd be so cheesy but endearing and understanding at the same time.

[starluvsx]

★𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐜

𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

Proofread:kinda...not rlly

Wordcount:2266

WARNINGS:throw up/emetophobia , panic attack, crying, this takes place before they’re like famous or wtv.also this is very long.

A/N:ntm on the banner idk what happened😭

“Guess where I’m going tonight”I said to the boy I was on the phone with.my best friend Matt.he was playing video games while I got ready.probably not paying much attention to what I was doing but definitely listening.

“Where?” he questioned as his face twisted into one of frustration.most likely because of the game he was playing.

“I’m going to hailys party” I cheekily said.smiling just at the thought of what tonight would be like.

“Isn’t that like all seniors?” he asked, concern lacing his tone.even though we were both the same age he always acted like my older brother.

"uh yea, i'll be fine dont worry.im not gonna like get fucked by a 20 year old or end up passed out in the street.im a responsible person matt."i rambled on

"i know you are but- shit...seniors can be pretty intense sometimes" the boy on the other line explained

"ill be fine dude, ok anyways, what outfit do i wear?" i said while show-casing two outfits that lay on separate hangers.

"im kinda in the middle of something right now"

"i dont care, just look for a second"

"y/n i litterally cant"

"matthew bernard sturniolo turn your fucking head this direction and help me pick out an outift or i swear to God"

"ok ok jeez" he said as he hesitantly turned to face his phone screen. "i don't like either of them"

"oh fuck you" i said as i put my phone onto its back so i could change into one of the outfits.

✧At the party

a large smile was painted on my face as i swayed my hips to the beat of the music. I've never felt more alive.the freshly poured drink splishing and splashing around in the cup i was holding, small droplets finding a home on my wrist. despite this being me being only a junior i was mixing well with the crowd.not feeling awkward or like i didn't belong for a second

a tap on my shoulder stopped my movements abruptly.i turned around to where the feeling came from only to see the girl that i came here with, Serenity. she looked deepyly upset which wasnt usual for the cheerful girl. "hey sese, whats up?" i yelled over the loud music.im not even sure if she could hear me.

"i feel sick" serenity answered. i quickly grabbed her hand and bee-lined it to the bathroom.she had been drinking alot.way more then me.and i was sure that what she mean t by 'i feel sick' was 'im about to throw up' and i want that to be no where else but the toilet.for her dignity and my sanity.

i banged on the door of the first bathroom i came across. "occupied!" someone yelled from the other side, forcing me to practically drag serenity down the crowded hallway to another bathroom.once we made it to the white door i realized there was no point in knocking because i could hear two drunken people going at it as if it were their last night on earth.

panic began to set in at the same pace as reality.no more bathrooms in sight. shit shit shit i mentally cursed to myslef as i looked over at a half folded over serenity. "y/n i think im gonna throw up"the blonde girl stated

i quietly mumbled "no no your not, please don't, not here" but my pleads were to no eval as once the words left my mouth so did all of the drinks serenity had earlier.it was all over me.my shirt and jeans and even my white shoes. i screamed in panic. tears spilling out of my eyes almost automatically.

as my eyes darted all over the place i noticed the bathroom door where the couple once were fucking was now open.i put my hand on serenities back and shoveled her into the bathroom, careful not to touch any of the vomit on my shirt.she dropped to her knees and went head first into the toilet at the sight of it.the sounds making me gag internally.

i slid down the wall behind me and sobbed.not being able to escape the vomit.i pulled my phone out of my back pocket and opened my contacts.i was about to call my mom to pick me up before i looked at the time. '1:48' it read. she was most definitely asleep. the scrolled through my contacts looking for someone that could come pick me up.

'Matty boy' was the name my eyes locked on, not even waiting a second before calling him.the phone rang longer than i would've liked it to as i pressed it up to my ear. please pick up i mentally begged "hey y/n." a sleepy Matt said on the other line.

i wasted no time "Matt please-please come get me"i choked out through cries.

"what?whats going on?are you ok?"he asked.now sounding more alert and awake

"serenity threw up on me and i-i don't know what to do.please just come get me.please Matt"i begged through the phone.tears sprung out my eyes and rolled down my face, leaving marks of dripping mascara to stain my cheeks.

"ok ill be there in a few minutes.wheres serenity now?"Matt asked.i hadn't even noticed her.i looked down from the ceiling i was staring at and locked eyes with her body.

"she's passed out...o-on the bathroom floor"i slowly got out.

"ok y/n listen to me very carfully,i need you to call haily and tell her serenity is in the bathroom passed out and that you need a chnage of clothes okay?do not leave serenity there." the boy on the other line stated very seriously. i mumbled a small 'okay 'before Matt began talking again "ill be there in a few minutes, don't move from the bathroom."he said before hanging up.silence now filling my ears.

✧Some time later

serenity was now gone after being taken to hailys room so she could sober up.i have a change of clothes on, some large sweat pants and a 'the smiths' t-shirt. although my clothes were now in the washer being clean from throw up, i couldn't get the thought out of my head.

this night, my first real party, had gone to shit.i was tried, scared, my makeup was ruined, my back hurt.i just want to go home. then as if my thoughts were read a knock came at the door. "come in"i lightly shouted.

as soon as the door opened and matt was visible i sprung up from my spot on the floor.hugging the boy before either of us could say anything.sobbing into his shoulder. "its okay.its okay.im here."the brunnete boy said into my hair

he held my back as we walked through the sea of people in order to make it to the exit.drunken others staring at us we walked by.i grabbed my coat which had somehow not bee touched the whole night, a dark blue zip up hoodie.i felt goosebumps go up my arms a I put it on.

the cold air hit my face unexpectidely.the winter weather sending shock through my warm body.a smile krept onto my face for an unidentified reason. i brought my arms over my chest and folded them. "why are you smiling?"matt asked while looking over at me.a smile on his face aswell

"i dont know" i answred with a small giggle.once we finally made it to the car i hobbled myself into the front passenger seat.the car was practically silent as he put the key in the ignition and started it.not much being needed to be said.

Once we pulled out of the carefully chosen parking spot I advised Matt to not drive me home seeing as my mom would probably kill me.a small hum of approval being the only noise to come from him.

This silence was soon followed up with an unexpected “thank you”from Matt. “For calling me when you needed to and not being stubborn”he clarified

A vocal response didn’t seem to fit the situation so I simply nodded in acknowledgment. “My parents are actually out on vacation so there’s no harm in you staying the night by the way, went to Maine or something.” He began to speak.I didn’t respond.only looking out the window infront of me.

“So what was it like?your first senior party?”the driving boy asked as he focused on the road infront of us.the street lights and cars illuminating his pale face.

“Well besides being thrown up on and having a whole panic attack it was pretty good.the drinks were alright and a few guys hit on me but besides that it was just alright”I answered his question.

“Not everything you dreamed of?”matt asked teasingly. Shaking my head no in response “Bummer.well now you get to spend the night with me” he continued as we pulled into his driveway.i never realized how close he lived to Haily.

Once we entered the house I was met with Chris sitting at the kitchen table. “Woah what happened to you”Chris asked.looking up from his cereal and phone.

“A party” I weakly answered.

“Oh is that y/n?”Nick asked from the couch as he turned his head around to face me. “Hey baeee, had a rough night?”he greeted and questioned.

“Rough Night is the understatement of the century”I grumbled as I opened their fridge searching for water.

“You went to hailys party right?yea those seniors are crazy.are those your clothes?”Nick rambled on.

“No these are hailys,serenity threw up on me.”I casually answered,shuddering at the remembrance of what happened.I stretched my arm out to grab the advil in their top shelf.

“Oh gross.you sleeping here tonight?”chris chimed in and asked.

“Yea, no point in going home and getting my ass beat.”I exaggerated

“Where you sleepin?”chris asked again

“Not with you, last time you punched me right in the boob, painful as fuck.”I retorted as I swapped the pills and water.

“Dude it was an accident!i was sleeping!”he answered as he threw his hand sup in defense.making me giggle.

“Not taking any chances”

“Well you can’t sleep with me.”Nick stated suddenly

“Why?”

“My bed is fucking lopsided and I have to sleep on the couch till it’s fixed” Nick said

“Just sleep in Chris’ room”

“He fucking attacks me in his sleep!”

“What about Matt?”

“He’s up too late for me, I need my eight hours but I guess this kid only needs 8 minutes” Nick answered my few questions causing me to lightly laugh

“Ok then I guess I’m sleeping in your room Matty boy”I said, turning to the boy who had just been listening to this conversation silently.

“Ok then cmon,I’m going to bed right now”he tiredly said as he walked in the direction of his room.

“I find that hard to believe”Nick shouted from his place in the couch.

I hugged Chris and Nick before following Matt into his room.

Upon opening the door I saw Matt face down on the mattress. “Jeez I didn’t think you were that tired” I joked as I sat down on the bed next to him.the calming blue led lights coloring us and the rest of the room around us.

He turned his head sideways to face me “I’m always tired”he mumbled.I situated my body so I was now laying next to him more comfortably.we then gradually moved ourselves to face each other while laying on our sides.his eyes staring into mine deeply.

"your beautiful" I whispered under my breath. ive always though Matt was attractive.not in a sexual way but the same way I think Alahna is pretty.but tonight was different.the way the blue lights bounced off his face, and how his messy hair rested almost perfectly on his forehead, or maybe it was how his dark, tired, eyes never seemed to look scary or weird on him.nonetheless he looked a way I don't even think I could describe if you put the words out in-front of me.

"your angelic..." I found myself say as my heart was taking action before my brain.i brushed some hair out of his eyes delicately with my fresh painted nails.he didn't respond, only giving me small smile.i caressed the side of his face with the back of my hand.tracing his facial structure.

"I love you" he abruptly said.the three words causing blood to rush to my cheeks rapidly.my heart besting faster almost as if on command

"I'll always love you more"I solemnly said.not exactly wanting to see his reaction to my words i moved in a little closer and closed my eyes.curling up and grabbing the covers.to my surprise though, after a few minutes I could feel his arm sake over my body and pull me closer.my head resting under his chin lightly.

then we fell asleep peacefully.silently hoping that if we were to never to wake up again that we stay together in the next life

[whimsi-clown]

Due to the indirect influences of certain selfship blogs, I am now stuck with a Self Insert OC x Oogie Boogie brain rot, so now you have to deal with me rambling on about it.

Only if you want to ofc. The choice is yours.

No one can force you to click on the "Keep reading" option.

But if you do click it, buckle up because when I ramble, it will probably not make a lick of sense.

You have been warned.

Ok, so. Self insert oc is a little clown from a far away place called Birthday Town.

Sorta similar to other Holiday Towns, Birthday Town is a place that celebrates the birthday of each of the clown residents. All 366 of them.

Yes. There is a clown for every day. Including the leap year day. It is a very large and colorful town that lays the birthday theme on thick with present boxes for houses, confetti for rain, and other whimsical Birthday related shit.

So they all celebrate each other's birthdays every day. Non-stop. To the point it drives clown oc mad.

So clown oc pulls a Jack Skellington and wanders away from the constant celebration, stumbling into the holiday doors, especially Halloween door in the same fashion as Jack in Christmas Town.

Oh, right, I forgot to mention this takes place during the movie, mostly outside of the scenes.

Only unlike Jack, they are in a constant state of fear and panic because Halloween Town is understandably spooky and scary to all who are new to it.

Then, after like screaming and running around like a headless chicken, clown oc is mistaken for "Sandy Claws" by Lock, Shock, and Barrel cuz they got the pudgy looking body and the pointy hat. That and pink looks like red at night, I guess?

So they brought clown oc to Jack. The same thing that happens to the Easter Bunny kinda happens to clown oc, except instead of being returned, they just shove clown oc down the hactch because they got no idea where to return this weird creature that they found.

Due to clown science and cartoon physics, clown oc is able to fit into the small hatch and goes tumbling down into Oogie Boogie's lair.

Clown oc meets Oogie Boogie and gets mistaken for "Sandy Claws" for a moment. After misunderstanding is cleared up, platonic bonding shenanigans ensue.

During the actual meeting of Oogie Boogie and Santa Claus, clown oc just stands off to the side like:

🧍‍♂️

And then, during the scene where Jack "kills" Oogie Boogie, clown oc manages to grab a hold of one of his bugs and tucks them safely into pointy hat, sneaking off and returning to Birthday Town.

When they arrive at Birthday Town clown oc, who I've just now decided to name Rinkie (little friend inside joke yum) shows Oogie Boogie Bug around the place and introduces him to other clown friends.

Oogie Boogie Bug, who wants revenge on Jack, asks Rinkie for assistance. Rinkie is pretty meh to the situation, so they reluctantly agree to help him.

Another bout of fun shenanigans ensue that involve Oogie Boogie Bug having no choice but to relucyantly accept the bright and colorful bugs from Birthday town as an addition to his newly forming hivemind, and have to deal with colorful patterned cloth patches on his temporary body, hand made and stitched by Rinkie ofc.

And that's it for my rambling.

It's mostly just funny platonic stuff in mind. Who knows if I'll be as heavily invested in this as I'll be to the Reverse Isekai Disney Villains AU. (RIDV AU for short)

Which I'm still working on, btw.

Anyways, yea.

Thanks for reading!

☆~ ∠(ᐛ 」 ∠)＿

[delicatereader]

No Way! (flashback) - Anakin x reader

summary: you have a fight with your brother and his bsf Anakin comes to comfort you...

warnings: anger, kissing, family history

a/n: here's a little flashback to help you with part one. I don't thought of this really quickly and just rambled on. Haven't proof read it so yea.

"You always do this Ben!" you shout at him

"I'm only doing this for you..." he reacts calmly like always.

Ben has always been protective of you and he took some measures to make sure he fulfills his "duty". Your family comes from a line of jedis, who protect others and never have a negative emotion (or that's what you know). That kind of practice is ancient now, your beloved ass brother keeps it at heart to follow these customs. You've been the angry, negative black sheep of the family forever. Your brother says "be patient" everyday to you ,you don't know why though.

You went to a "family" gathering today (meaning seeing all the people who didn't give a shit about you and your brother and only invited you because of some stupid dna). You begged your brother, and tried your best not to go. However, your brother insisted on going. The minute you arrived at the event all of them your aunts uncles, cousins started degrading you and your brother to nothing, so your stormed out.

"How can you let them talk like that?" you ask him concerned for both of you

"It's just life, you have to ignore these things" he replies

"Why did we even-"

Suddenly the door opens, Anakin.

"Oh sorry! I'll come back later" he says frozen on the door step

"No you stay, I'll leave" you run to your room slamming your door in anger. You curl up in your cozy bed, letting tears fall from your face.

Few minutes later, you hear a knock on your door.

"Go away Ben!" you shout

"It's not Ben" the door opens creaking, revealing to be Anakin. His tall frame walks over to your bed and sits down before you could slam the door on his face.

"He told me what happend, he's sorry" he explains for Ben

"Then why isn't he here, apologising himself? huh?" you fight back

"You know how he's like!" he supports Ben more

"I do. He should know what I'm like! What I want! I told him we shouldn't go there but he took me to that shit anyway!" you yell. "He didn't even flinch at the things they said about us!"

"They said things about you?" he asks

"Yea! About me, him, our parents! basically called us orphans right to our face!" you explain

"Shit I'm sorry" he moves back up next to me, to the wall I'm leaning on crying.

"Anyway, why are you being so nice?" you blurt out

"When am I not nice?" he asks, then pauses to finish his own answer. "I don't know..."

"I haven't had a great life either..." He continues

"I've heard..." you whisper

"Hey savour your moments with him whilst you can-" he advises. Never knew he had deep advises and emotions like this.

"I know he can be an ass but he's your brother, he loves you!" Anakin explains

"He really is an ass!" you mutter

"He is" you both laugh, turning your heads to each other.

Suddenly, the moment stops. Slowly your heads close the space between you. Both of you are breathing heavily, you could feel his eyes on your lips and yours on his. You close your eyes, bringing your lips onto his. You look at each other before he kisses you back. His hands move from his lap to your cheeks, intertwining with your hair. You like the way he tilts his head and how soft lips are.

You run your hands up his arms and land it around his neck. As you move close to him, you both snap back to reality.

"I should go" he says after a brief pause

"You should" you confirm

Quickly, he gets up from your bed and runs to the door. Before he closed the door he looks back at you.

"Bye" you signal him to leave

You let out a sigh as you hear the door close.

"What just happend...?"

[retphienix]

I like playing games years after they are recommended to me :)

I'm not doing a thorough/full blog playthrough because it became evident very quickly this is an "at your own pace exploration" game and I don't have the mental vibe right now to twist that into a fun reading experience when it's gonna be a lot of hours of me wandering- often in circles :P

I'll post what I feel like.

Anyways I spent 10 years and some change exploring the crater and got a quick reminder of something I didn't 100% remember about this game.

It's time loops with the sun exploding- I now recall that I had that spoiled (does that even really count when it's the whole game?) back at launch, but I did genuinely forgor and only half remembered as I booted this up and started wandering and thought "... Oh, isn't the universe gonna pop or something?" yea

I won't ramble on Everything I've found and read so far- it isn't too much- but I will say it's neat to find another person experiencing the loop. Also when the hurricanes hit they literally just stay lounging until it puts them down lol

I will also say I went on the probe launcher thing, read about how they overcharged it and launched, went to the water planet and read more about the same thing, and then I noticed the above which confirmed something I was suspicious of.

When I started wondering on specifics of the loop I thought "Well, it's not the universe doing it, it's Nomai tech.... I need to figure out more on WHY both it's happening and affecting us through the statues."

And my lounging buddy just reminded me that we see the satellite fire on each loop.

And they said 'Maybe we shouldn't say it isn't working- it sure seems to successfully launch each loop'.

So while I don't know why the sun is accelerating it's supernova, or why the statues affect us, or blah blah blah a million things I just started-

I CAN say I have noticed that the probe satellite is launching in a different direction each reset. And since the purpose of the satellite is to launch a probe to find the Eye, and it was activated remotely (I believe, or it was the couple still alive on it but I am guessing not because don't we believe the Nomai are extinct?), I can suspect that a Nomai(s) still exist somewhere and they activated the statues so that they could launch again and again and again until they find it- and if that's the case I'd bet it's less that we were chosen by the statues and more that they activated all the statues and we happened to be there.

Anyways!

Neat game so far. I am beyond relieved that the "time limit" is less of a time limit and more of a nudge to go do another thing and stop wandering in circles lol

It gives me plenty of time for my usual Ultra Meticulous Exploration that I'm prone to doing in... well every game. I like seeing all the things and talking to all the people- it's how I play games.

But it also pushes me to go different places and I haven't felt too punished (yet).

[kaphzzz]

i love your art so much! your bio says that your work is not created to be references, does this mean you don't approve of their use as such? i've referenced your art in the past, but i'll stop doing it if it's not what you want. keep up the great work!

tl;dr: I appreciate anyone wanting to use my work for reference but please ask me for permission before you do because i own it and it's basic artist etiquette. (also i may not grant it.)

hello again :)

ah! perfect opportunity for me to explain this whole thing! that was me throwing a tantrum in response to one particular case which was an artist copying one of my photos exactly as it is and was like hmm i'll sell this as a print, and i saw it by chance and was like no wtf thats not ur work to sell... and granted they did credit me but this, along with a few others things both recent and long bothering me, pissed me off enough I put that in my bio. like. there are ways to respecfully create something based off other ppl's work and ways that don't. also ways that just straight up aren't technically legal. i get walked on so much i forgot my rights to my own work.

with that said tho as long as my work is credited or its noted that the art is reference practice and not original art, and not like... further edited or interpreted in the same way an artist wouldn't want their art to be tampered with, especially the fake cgs i sold my soul to make, im mostly fine with it. also ask me for permission before hand bc there are things i don't want other ppl touching. i think i know what ur art blog is and im pretty sure you've been crediting and being very supportive so im okay with it :)

i could write a whole thing about how originality and effort and creative ownership in VP is overlooked but in short, my work are all individually a complete photographic piece that i intend for to be viewed as is. if, say, i blur an image or have little lighting or only include half a subject's face or whatever these are all intentional choices i make in attempts to create emotion and atmosphere etc. idk if i managed to communicate that clearly. basically what im trying to say is, judge me if you will, but i don't think it's selfish for me to want my work to be viewed the way i want it to and for ppl to recognise the effort i put into making it a creative original piece.

now this is just me rambling but in general, while i do appreciate that others will look at my work and think the composition or lighting or whatever is good enough to be a reference, i'm still bothered when thats all they can see (i.e. sees a vp work and think oh hey look what a good ref for my art!!1!), especially if they like see it reposted on pinterest and think its free for the taking…? baffles me how some artists are so aware of the ownership of their own work but fail to give others credit where its due.

a few links for anyone interested enough:

anyway wordspew over. sorry if this whole thing sounds angry but like. i'm angry. have been for a year ever since i started doing vp. mostly bc of the resposting but still. but yea anyway thanks again for this ask and for being considerate and the support! <3

[nerves-nebula]

rambling about my internal monologue

one issue i have within my MIND PALACE (imagination) is that when trying to talk to myself one of us has to be mean. always. the one who's usually mean is me, but if i try to imagine that me as nicer then suddenly the kid is the mean one.

like, I said "I could be nice." and the kid responded with "you could PRETEND to be nice, for a bit." and then i said "you got that from sakana." and then the kid said "lol yea but it's true" and that's not usually how it goes

usually how it goes is that the kid tries to convince me to be nice and i tell the kid to fuck off or that i'm too tired for this right now or a million other excuses. so its out of character for the kid to prevent me from trying to change. but the moment i try to imagine a conversation where i agree that yea, sure, i could be better, someone else has to come in and argue. i think its an instinct thing, its easier for my brain to automatically argue than it is for it to try to move forward with that train of thought.

there's also the fact that i don't want to be NICE i want to be good. so using words like nice opens the conversation to leading me down a path of how bitter i feel that nobody understands or appreciates the things i see as Nice and signs of friendliness, and that i'm expected to be Fake Nice and say I Love You when i don't want to and all this other bullshit. meanwhile i can't find anyone, not even my siblings anymore, who speak my language and is able to communicate their affection for me in a way I appreciate and don't just instantly fucking despise.

but that's all an aside!! that's all a problem yea but not relevant to the main point which is that I need to be able to talk to myself without coming to the conclusion that in some way i suck.

and the thing is that i don't think i'm evil or anything I already think I'm a perfectly normal person. i don't think i'm inherently good or bad, just that I'm trying my best. and yet that doesn't stop me from feeling somehow deficient. it doesn't help that i don't think i'm evil or inherently worthy of love- i still feel like a spiteful little thing. I don't feel like i'll find someone who "loves" the same way i do. not because they don't exist but because I'm probably too asocial and unable to communicate to find them and form a relationship with them.

anyway. it's weird is all. might make more art about the kid i guess.

[sentientgolfball]

Someone a few days ago asked me why I don’t correct people when they misgender me and I’ve been thinking it about it nonstop so im gonna put all my thoughts under the cut. This isn’t like a vent btw it’s more like a…collecting my thoughts all in one place

I am openly nonbinary in my daily life…for the most part. I’m out to all my friends, I have a little pronouns pin on my bag, my preferred name and pronouns are on my school ID and when asked i introduced myself with my pronouns

But I won’t correct people. I won’t tell people either unless we get closer or I’m asked. Because I’m afraid. It has nothing to do with where I’m at, actually the school I go to is literally the most progressive school in my state. I feel genuinely safe here.

It’s because of where I came from. The Midwest is already touch and go, but coming from a small town in the middle of a cornfield? Yea it wasn’t good. I used to have a little pride flag wallet on my keychain and then I got followed home by multiple trucks after making a quick stop at Walmart. I got a new wallet the next day. I was 17 when that happened. I was one of the quiet kids in school and I listened to everything around me. I heard a lot of things that made me feel unsafe. I remember one of my teachers had us debate the ethics of allowing trans people in sports and only 3 people argued for trans athletes myself included. It sucked.

But now I’m here. I’m on the opposite side of my state in this is very open and very supportive community. Granted all it takes is about a 10-15 minute drive to be back in that territory but for a majority of my time I’m in an environment where I’m not 1 of 5 trans kid but 1 of hundreds. I know I’m safe. I know I’m not the only trans person my professors or coworkers have met.

I am still afraid. I’m afraid I’ll lose my job. I know this isn’t true because one of my coworkers is an openly trans woman. I’m afraid I’ll be followed home again.

And then I’m asked “why don’t you correct people?” It was actually my coworker who asked me this. I’m not upset with her, I told her she could ask whatever she wanted and I was happy to answer for her. It’s just…put a lot of things into perspective I hadn’t really thought about.

This year specifically for some reason I've also been thinking a lot about my gender. Tried a few different pronouns, got my first binder, realized I get top surgery and start T one day. Yet that one question for just a moment made me question everything. Made me stop and go "am I really nonbinary because I don't correct people?"

And I thought to myself "no that's silly" because if one of my friends ever purposefully misgendered me for no reason other than to not out me I'd feel wrong. Itchy. Because for a brief moment I considered using he/they pronouns and it just felt so wrong to be he. I am not a he or a she, I am a me. And idk that was really weird for me because I've never had that moment before. Granted I was never really in the space to explore my identity before but now that I have steady meals and my own little space my brain has been able to ponder.

I've been thinking about legally changing my name, but once again I am afraid. Doing it when I turn 21 in November would be easiest because I have to renew my ID anyways, but that means looking my parents in the eye and explaining. That would mean telling all my old lady coworkers at home why. That would mean telling my boss here why. And that scares me so much. Because once I do they'll look at me differently. But it would make my life so easy to be able to change my name before I graduate. Because then I can go into my career field as Rain and not [redacted]. Granted as a teacher I'll just be referred to by my last name 90% of the time which tbh is somehow worse than redacted?? Explain that one to me.

Idk this is a very long ramble that pretty much sums up to be I am nonbinary and I love being nonbinary but man is the brain a funky place.