#anyways. i love thinking things out in tumblr tags & then discovering my posts years later and remembering old trains of thought.

[goldenkid]

also tinder sucks ass

[calico-kiwi]

i don’t know the official day i started using tumblr (my very first account has long since been lost to the sands of time after being overrun by cobwebs) but after digging through my emails i know i’ve been here since at least May 23rd of 2020 and though that’s not nearly as long as other people, it feels like an eternity.

Happy (late) four year tumblr anniversary to me, it truly has felt i’ve been here so much longer and i love how engrained this place is in my heart

unless the site is burned to the ground with nothing left i’m pretty sure i’ll never leave <3 (despite the fact there are still problems here)

[anti-dazai-blog]

how do you deal with hate? like from what I understand, you posted your first "controversial" post knowing that people might hate you for it, and you did so anyways. even tho it might have felt like you were the only one who believed those things at the time. where do you get the confidence? cause honestly that was such a slay.

Like, obvi we all have our own opinions and I don't agree with everything you said but the confidence you had.. grrrr i like it so much 💗💗 i love it when people are real with their opinions.

okay ty, im sorry for rambling, gonna stop here now 😭😭

I really want to play it cool and say something like “I just don’t care what people think of me,” but honestly? Yeah I was terrified of posting my first BSD-related post.

I had been enjoying the BSD fandom from afar for about a year before posting anything about it. I’ve always had this personal pet peeve when (fictional or real) bullies get a free pass to be assholes when they’re conventionally attractive, but that applies to all fandoms, not just BSD and not just Dazai. 

(Note that that’s not a moral stance, there’s nothing wrong with liking a morally grey character, and there’s nothing wrong with finding a bad (fictional or real) person to be physically attractive. This pet peeve of mine stems more from how (fictional) bullies who aren’t attractive are seen as the biggest evil unleashed upon the world, while fictional bullies who are attractive are seen as The Ideal Boyfriend)

One day I saw a post pointing out one of the things Dazai did that bothered me, and I really wanted to add to it via reblog, but I was concerned I’d derail the original post, so I screenshot it and wrote a whole follow-up rant. 

Then I saved that post in my drafts for three days.

I posted something vague like “I really want to talk about this one character from this one fandom, but the fandom is very aggressive and they’d burn me at the stake if I said anything too controversial”

I don’t think I intended to explicitly tag it with anything searchable, but I must have said something like “#yeah this is about bsd those guys are scary”— apparently that counts as tagging it #bsd by tumblr’s standards, and someone from the bsd fandom (who I’m now mutuals with) responded with something like “most of us are nice! We wanna hear what you have to say!!” 

That was enough motivation for me to get that post out of drafts, and even then I didn’t post it immediately. I scheduled it to post for a time when I wasn’t home, so that if there’d be backlash I wouldn’t have to witness it live and I could just delete the post later.

Not only was there no backlash, but hardly anyone saw the post. Iirc it got between 3-5 notes. That was what gave me the confidence to continue talking about my (admittedly controversial) fandom opinions. 

My main blog is primarily a Shakespeare/Classic Lit blog, and the online fandom for those things encourages controversial opinions (as opposed to the standard anime blog, where it seems like posting controversy is a taboo). So once I had the confidence to interact with an anime fandom in the first place, it wasn’t too hard to post my controversial opinions, because that’s the internet culture I’m more used to.

As for how I deal with the hate, you’ll be glad to know there’s only one person on this entire site who sends (bsd-related) hate. If you’ve received any hate, it’s from her. So while I have received hate messages (everything ranging from “your blog sucks” to graphic suicide bate and murder threats), knowing it’s all from the same person makes it all pretty meaningless. Everyone else on tumblr just blocks what they don’t want to see, either by blocking blogs they’d like to avoid or by blocking tags for subjects that annoy them. 

Since I tag anything that speaks of Dazai in a negative way as “#anti Dazai,” I don’t often run into people who don’t want to see negative character analysis who’ve discovered my posts accidentally.

If you want to post about something, go right ahead! The people who enjoy the content you make will follow you, and the people who don’t will block you, and everyone will curate their own tumblr experience to make this site something we can all enjoy. Admittedly if the fandom you’d like to post to is bsd, you WILL get harassed by that one person, but everyone else in this fandom has gotten harassed by her too. We mostly just ignore her at this point. 

Posting controversial opinions to fandom spaces can be scary, but if you have something you’d like to post, go for it! I personally would recommend starting a side blog for it, that way if things really do get out of hand you could delete it easily without losing your tumblr account. But the most likely outcome is that it wouldn’t gain enough traction for anyone to be overly bothered by it. Controversial things are more often ignored than hated on.

(For context, I’m referring to this blog too! I’m a tiny little blog. So please don’t interpret that as some veiled insult, I’m in this group of “tiny controversial fandom blog” too)

Anyway. Best of luck to you!! And remember, the point of posting things is to have fun! If it’s causing more stress than enjoyment, there’s no shame in taking a break or logging off for a bit. I’ve taken multiple breaks, and I only post to the Anti-Dazai Series when I enjoy what I’m posting. 

[Also. I absolutely love controversial fandom opinions, especially if they’re well written. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not I agree, so long as it’s a cool or original take on the source material. So if you wanna dm me, I’ll definitely follow you and your blog full of all your hottest takes]

[voicesofadistressedsoul]

October 4, 2024

It's the day after Heartstopper released, and to say that I feel like how Nick and Charlie were during the first half is an understatement. I do this thing where after I watch something that is sad I take on that personality. Whether it's that I realize how shit my life is, or it's the kind of attention seeking where you think a camera is on you, and if you don't show signs of struggling then people might not take you seriously. Regardless, I have been feeling like shit.

Its been a long time coming, and I'm not so sure why I'm wondering where it came from. Money problems are the root of all evil, because how dare we give people a livable wage so that we can eat and pay rent. Insane.

Before I get into anything truly crazy, and if there are even any people that are going to be reading this (as I will post tags), I feel like I should introduce myself. My name is Anon, not that it's my actually name, it's just how you will refer to me. I am going to share as little information about myself as possible. It's the internet, and it's crazy at how obscure things can be traced back to you, and for some of the things that I wish to talk about, its better to have that barrier between my life and strangers online. Growing up on the internet you realize the comfort that can come from people not knowing who you are. My pronouns are they/them, though I really don't care. I am going to be turning 23 soon and I have 2 cats that will also remain nameless. That is all you get to know about me.

I truly don't know why I am writing this on the internet, I think I am just trying to live my best TV guru life where the star of the show is struggling, but it's only when they discover her hidden tumblr page do they realize the signs were all there. Not that I am going to do anything, like I said I have cats that need me and I need them. Can't imagine being anywhere without their presence in my life. I also want people to know that they're not alone, even if it's just one person who knows that another person is feeling just as shit as they are, that's all I want. Call it the older daughter, middle sibling treatment where we know how shit people can feel, and it was our job to put people back together (or to stay out of the way cause we were made to feel like we were always in the way). Truthfully the picking and choosing which sibling has the most family trauma from getting forgotten is all horseshit to me (though it is the middle one).

Anyways, now that that long intro is over, let's get into the main topic of the day. Heartstopper.

I align myself more with Isaac than I care to tell anyone really. It's not an easy topic to breach when you don't even know yourself. I've had crushes, sure, and I think it's why I really want a Solitaire spinoff is so we can see that kind of figuring out without the main topic being love. While I love the love!, it's also just as important as to see that not everyone wants that, or can even feel that. I have had crushes and boyfriends and one girlfriend, and I adore women and think I need to be committed to a woman to fully know if I do want that kind of thing in my life. I am completely okay with being alone, and if I am asexual and aromantic, I think I need to cover all my options. I think I'm more demi where I need to know someone for a long time before I can start loving them. Which sucks when that is not how society works right now. Its all "date someone and then tell them you love them a few months later", and that entire concept is just so weird to me. Like don't you date someone because you love them? Anyways, I think that is a huge part of why I am feeling this weight all over me.

Uncertainty hurts, and its alot of what I am feeling right now. I am scared for the future because I'm 23 and not in school, dropped out actually, I am in a minimum wage job, moved out, no car, and in debt already because of messed up taxes and being fired from 2 jobs this year, so I was on payments from the government that I have to give back, plus school loans that was all for nothing. So money issues, and then being lonely when I don't want to be, but I also am scared of being in a relationship because my last big and long one ended and I haven't been able to long another person like that since. Feeling like I am letting people down when I know that I am trying my best, but feeling like my best isn't good enough and I am one bad day away from a "we need to talk" conversation. No one tells you how hard it is growing up being in an environment of 'your best isn't good enough' and then being surrounded by people who just want to see you be the best version of yourself and wouldn't get upset with you for trying, and trying to rewire your destructive brain to accept that view. It's hard, and it's hard to have those conversations that showcase that you're trying, and then trying to self-therapize yourself while looking to websites and pinterest for quotes that make you feel better.

I've also been listening to Aurora, her music has really been helping me get through this time as her music makes me cry when I'm sad. It itches that part of my brain that just wants to run away from all the pressure of being someone. This world is so hard set on being someone, and if you fall anywhere short of that then you're treated as if you have failed life. And if you want to be someone, the realization that you're nothing but ordinary hurts. But, when I am feeling that way I look at the people around me, who would classify themselves as the ordinary, and I look at them and I see anything but. I see them being the reason that I keep trying to get better, and them being the literal light in my life. To me, they are anything but ordinary. I remember the little moments of someone that I look up to, a streamer that I've been watching for 2 years, and how every time someone tells him that he helps them get through the day and he treats himself as ordinary, but he's not. I think about how he knows my name in his chat, and that people in his fandom know me on social media, and are nothing but loving and encouraging, and that they are not ordinary either, and they create and put so much good into this world to even be classified as that. No one is just ordinary, but it doesn't help the voice in my head that is telling me that I am the only ordinary thing in this world. That all of my love in art and writing and reading and video creating amounted to nothing but unfinished projects.

I think I just need to get diagnosed and it will all be better, but I don't know what my insurance covers and no one wants to diagnose and overweight presenting-woman.

That's all I am going to dump about today. See you tomorrow, maybe not.

Just know you're not alone,

Anon <3

[dj-of-the-coven]

Well nothing can top the other stories here but since we're being invited to share I might as well...

I discovered the game series relatively recently through Kingdom Hearts. Although I got into KH around age 15 or so, and DDD was the first game I played in the series (don't judge me), I didn't actually realize that the side characters from Traverse Town actually had their own game until a lot later--all I knew was that Neku and Beat were my favorite side characters in the game series, basically just because they had such cool designs. Beat in particular was my lil unknown guy. Squimbus from my polls before either of those things existed on tumblr. I really loved how much he cared about Rhyme, especially because I've had so much fatigue over every single guy-girl pair in anything being a couple. It seemed obvious to me that what they had going on was not romantic (duh, because they're siblings), but still very emotional, and that slapped.

So fast-forward about 4 years and I'm sitting around being dumb in my room when someone I followed for KH content posted some art of the twewy characters with other twewy characters that I hadn't seen before. I go "wait hold on what the fuck. there's more?" and manage to search the tags for the name of the game series: The World Ends With You. Since I'm depressed as shit and looking for a new way to waste time, I go to the switch E-shop and find out that there are actually two games in the series. And both of them were on sale for like $15. "Sure, let's do it," I say, unaware that the game was about to ruin my life for the better.

Some things you need to know about me in order to understand why the game clicked:

I had an emo phase in middle school

Rock and Metal are two of my favorite music genres

I like to go tagging in my free time

I used to skateboard

I'm gay

I fucking hate my parents

I have a special interest in 2000s fashion, music, and technology

Needless to say, it immediately drew me to latch on to the thing. I loved everything about it, from the aesthetics to the music to the character design. And finally, finally, I found a character that I could relate to more than basically any from other media I've seen before: the guy himself, my squimbus, Beat Bito.

It's a little embarrassing that I can't claim to have good childhood memories of the series like a lot of other fans can, but I have a lot of good memories of it anyway! I started playing it while I was still attempting to go to college, so I played it in the 2-hour break I had between classes, and while I was on the train, and when I'd go to a coffee shop after school and have myself a little beverage. Sometimes I opened the game just to listen to the tracks when I had nothing better to do, just chillin' and vibin'. All around a good time! I can still remember how I felt and how I reacted to almost everything in the game, and where I was when it happened.

Twewy is the first game that's ever inspired me to produce the amount of fan content and analysis that I have. It's truly a very unique experience, even after having been in the KH fandom as an observer for many years--I think I just like it when characters are able to be a little bit more real, and it's also nice to see myself in something for once, in music and fashion and characters... I see so few representations of teen characters with shitty home lives like how I was at their age, or even characters obsessed with the same kind of music and fashion and art as me. Beat's family life, Neku's problems with understanding people, and their hobbies/aesthetics spoke to me in a way that most Kingdom Hearts plots never could. Basically the only thing I didn't like in the game was Joshua, but not because I think he isn't a well-written character; he and I just have mlm/wlw hostility between us and I just think it's so much fun to hate him. Like disney villains or something.

Well anyway, it's been about 7 or 8 months and this game still has me by the balls. I don't think it's gonna stop any time soon, so send fucking help.

twewy fans when and how did you find out about and get into twewy

For me the way I found out abt it was very silly it was through flipnote Hatena LOL. Flipnote animations weren’t the only thing on there and one thing popular artists there liked to do was post Question Games. In which they write down fun questions on each individual page of a flipnote and post it unlocked (meaning anyone can download and edit it) and encourage their followers to add their answers and then upload it for the creator to see.

Around early 2010 ish I found one of those from an artist I liked so I downloaded it and near the end of the flipnote the creator put in a quiz of naming random characters from animanga and games and having the person filling out flipnote write the name of the IP the character was from to test their Knowledge. A lot of them were from popular shows but the final one (which the creator called a Bonus Round) stumped me it was asking me to name what IP the character “Daisukenojo Bito” was from and I had No idea. Later after I posted my answers I went looking at other ppls flipnotes that were uploaded as a response and I found one where the person knew Every character from the quiz section (though in hindsight they probably just looked up every name online) and I saw the answer to what Daisukenojo Bito was from: The World Ends With You.

Just the title alone caught my attention bc I found it really cool. I thought it might’ve been the name of an anime or something so I looked it up and went on the Wikipedia page and got really interested to see it was a DS game. I tried to read through the article but everything (thankfully) went over my head and the only thing that Stuck in my brain was the one screenshot showcasing the dual screen battle system in the Combat section of the article. I was curious so completely on a whim I downloaded the game onto my TTDS card just to have it on there and started playing it a few days later. Then my life was changed forever lmao

anyways pls tell me how you got into twewy I’d love to knowe 🥺🙏

[ravenadottir]

hi there.

this is a very long post about why i'm deactivating my inbox and taking some time off, so... if you're not interested, skip this one. you know it's long and... not cohesive, which is very on brand for me.

gotta keep that ✨aesthetic ✨ going.

it's been maybe a year since the last time i closed my inbox for a while. i really need every spare second i can get to focus on my other projects. i have many pieces to finish, and coming in to tumblr and responding asks takes some time.

don't get me wrong, i fucking love it (i'll talk about it later on in this post) but i just really have been buried in unfinished projects, and well, you've seen the length of my answers, bitch can't shut up about the subject people ask him about lol so it takes a while to answer them, and i need this time.

i'm not sure how long this hiatus is gonna take, and i'm ok with not knowing. if this was last year's time off i would be calculating everything, trying to come up with a solid calendar mark, but now? nah, i'm cool with not knowing.

a few things i need to address before i go:

plenty of characters are queer or other genders and there's nothing you can do about it. you can argue with the wall because it's the only thing that's not gonna disagree with you.

i have no problem with anyone in the fandom. if there's any "beef", that's you having it with me, it's not mutual. i can't hate/dislike someone i don't even know or care about. get over yourself.

if you feel the need of sending hate in my inbox... i do hope you find peace, and whatever situation, person, struggle is making you feel so angry, i hope it's temporary. also, know that you don't need to ignore or try not to feel your anger, you just need to know how to manage it. people you don't know in real life, and that are not responsible for making you feel this way, are not exactly the people who deserve your explosions. if you cannot confront your trigger, know this: it's gonna be ok. this is not gonna last forever, and you will have the power to leave this situation soon. i know it sounds condescending, but i'm being serious. everything is gonna be ok.

from here on out it's about to get cheesy, so if you're uncomfortable with feelings, this is the end of the post for you. hope you have a blast while i'm gone. stay hydrated and fed.

i have some advice for you: please don't let anything negative affect the way you look at your work or creative process. whether it's a condescending comment, or an ask, or even someone in real life saying something... if you're in search of the perfect way of writing, something that fits with your style and time table, you have to think about what you want, and not what other people will think it's interesting. YOU'VE GOT THIS! keep going, you know exactly what to do, don't let the writing paralysis get to you.

to whoever sent those asks about writing advice, please tag me in your updates if you ever do write those pieces. i would honestly love to read them now that i'll have more time. i'm a big advocate for "the more the merrier" and that's not gonna change. TAG ME!

stop clenching your jaw and go drink some water and eat something. that frail body of yours is not gonna survive on air and positive thoughts you dumb bitch (affectionate).

i'll be logged off for a while so i can work on the (many, many, many) outlines i have to finish, so i might not respond messages as quickly, but i'll get to them at some point.

this is random but... i have discovered watercolor and brown noise and it has been really peaceful lately. i don't know if this information will serve you in any way but i thought i would share.

anyway!

the anons that have sent me questions, prompts, ideas, requests of any kind, i hope you know you have made my day many, many times. i can’t stress this enough, if there wasn’t any asks for me to answer, there wouldn’t be as nearly as much content in this blog. and in the fandom for that matter! i love that you always bring interesting and insightful asks to us, and sometimes fucking hilarious, keeping the fandom alive and running. we never met, we never talked, but you kept coming back and giving us more stuff to talk about. thank you, because i learned so much while processing those answers, and i think we can all agree, you are the true backbone of this place. I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

to the people that have become my friends and have been there for me through happy and sad moments, i truly love and appreciate you so much, you’re absolutely the type of light a person would be lucky to have. you’re brilliant and deserve the world, so never forget that! i hope you stay evolving but never change, because you are amazing, and you have so much to give. I FUCKING LOVE YOU (2).

to the people I wasn't friends with but i saw you on my dash... my introvert ass didn't let me get to know you, but i know for a fact you're so cool and deserve the world! i wish I had talked or reached out, but i couldn't. and still, i see you and yours posts, your writing, your drawings, and you're fucking talented and amazing. please never change.

in case i don't come back i just wanna say this: this fandom is only wonderful because the people here are fantastic and creative and warm and amazing and supportive and gorgeous and awesome and funny and-

the time i spent here wasn't a waste. quite the opposite, it was very fun and interesting. i made some really good friends, i have rediscovered a passion, i have figured out my disabilities, sexuality, gender in the mean time... it's been a blast! so i guess i just want to say, i love this fandom and the people in it.

i’m the kind of person that believes learning is an endless process. whether it’s academic, self-knowledge, or even, for lack of better term, “streets smarts”. you’re never gonna stop learning, and i hope you don’t.

we can all improve and evolve and it doesn't mean you have to change. i had an epiphany a while ago and i'm more convinced than ever that what i'm doing is right. so if you ever... have one of those, keep going. i know you can do this, and i know there are some days when you feel like it doesn't matter, but it does. i promise you, it does.

you never know who you're reaching but i guarantee you are reaching someone, so please, keep going, whatever your craft or work is.

and last but not least, if this is the last time we talk, i hope you know this: i'm proud of you. whether because you posted a chapter, or because you made a funny post, or even because you made your bed today. we know these are trying times, and possibly an "apocalypse surviving" era, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO! if you chose to relax today, or to write, or just to make some ramen to feed yourself, i don't care, you're still alive and doing your best to stay sane, so I'M PROUD OF YOU.

ok, i think i'm done.

stay hydrated and fed. hopefully we'll talk soon?

alright, bye.

[woosansang]

henlo my beloveds!! i cannot believe that an entire year has passed in which not a single day goes by where i dont think about, listen to, watch, or fawn over (or all of the above) the most amazing group of young artists that i’ve ever had the pleasure of loving.

below the cut you will find some unnecessary emotional babbling about my short but amazing time as an atiny and some words of love to some of the people on this website who have contributed to that happiness. (fair warning: it is really fucking long i am so sorry and i do not expect many people to read it. tags and messages are at the bottom if that’s what you’re here for)

a week or so from today marks my first anniversary of being part of atinyblr, but it was on the fateful day of saturday july 17th 2021 that i watched my very first piece of ateez content and fell head over heels for fireworks!yeosang.

over 6000 tumblr posts later (what can i say? when ya boy obsesses, she oBsESsEs alright), and here we are. tumblr user woosansang who had previously not changed their url for SIX YEARS breaks tradition for Some Guys. smh @ myself at how whipped i am. @/bowtiescarves, you had a good run.

while yeosang captured my attention literally instantly, some of you know how utterly in denial i was about my san bias, which manifested itself within mere days of discovering them, yet it took me over six months to acknowledge how much he affected me. seonghwa joined the bias line second, officially, but then he got kicked out after deja vu because apparently i can’t take him seriously when he’s got pink hair or something idk. anyway, for all of one week i was posting about yeosang, san and seonghwa. and then i discovered inception era wooyoung and my life was basically over then. like. fucking goodbye jazzy lol LOL.

i remember listening to compilations of jongho singing for hours. i remember being so upset that they came to australia back in 2019 before i really even knew what kpop was at all and feeling like i’d missed my chance (cut to me now, kind of considering a wholeass holiday to korea for the sole purpose of seeing them live). i remember watching every. single. thanxx stage. GOD. those first few weeks were wild.

then i made my first ateez gifs. of seonghwa of all people. and since then, i have made more gifs and gifsets in the past year than the previous seven or eight years of being a casual content creator combined. (like i said, i’m insanely obsessed but wcyd)

outside of tumblr, i am a dancer, and after only knowing of ateez for a few weeks, my sister (who introduced me to them) and i decided that we were going to cut together a mashup song and learn a bunch of their choreographies to perform at our dance school’s annual concert in 2021. lockdowns and restrictions meant that we ended up learning and teaching this dance to our friend almost entirely online, and if i’m being completely honest here, our ateez dance was one of the only things that kept me happy during all the time spent stuck at home. like. combine dance and my current hyperfixation and you get one happy jazzy. we weren’t perfect by any means, but i was so so proud of our little trio for what we managed to accomplish (i think most of you have already seen my dance but if you want, you can dm me and i’ll send you the link if you want to watch!). our dance was ridiculously well recieved by the audience and i cannot remember ever being happier on stage then when i was performing to ateez’s music. it’s wild how serotonin works hey.

the past year of my life has been hectic, especially this last six months with my new job, and ateez has been the main thing that’s kept me going strong this whole time. they make me so happy, and the friends i have made through them make me so happy as well <3 i am so grateful that i found them and fell in love with them when i did <3

if you read all of that.... wow im so sorry i dont know how to be concise to save my life bsdhfbsd

now because i am me and i am physically incapable of keeping things short and sweet, there are just a few people that i want to say some stuff to that i’m sure they already know but i’m a sap so i’m gonna say it again. behold:

@hwanswerland fio bro idk what to say here tbh you know we are both too awkward and stupid for saying nice things to each other but i guess i have to bc i like you or something </3 fr though you know i do love talking to you, i love sending you stupid shit and bad hwa screenshots and random photos i find on twitter that either i’ve cried over or i know you will cry over. i love how we revel in each other losing our minds over some guys. and i also love how easy it has always been to be real with you, how well we clicked when we first started talking and how much i love waking up to random text essays from you overnight. thank you for listening to my bullshit and giving me your own right back. thank you for understanding my dislike of exclamation marks. thank you for being someone who actually likes to communicate about things if we ever take issue with something or just need clarification because we’re being stupid about some feelings or whatever. thank you for being you. i dont remember how we even became friends but i’m incredibly thankful that it happened. i guess. idk. you’re boring and i hate you. that’s more like it <333333

@sanhwaiting megan <3 beloved <3 bubble tea buddy <3 evil demon friend <3 we havent talked as much lately since we are such busy bees but i love you all the same! thank you especially for being such a kind and welcoming presense in atinyblr when i first stuck my toes into this fandom, for helping me with random cc stuff, for being such a sweet and constant presence in my notifs, for sending me so much stuff that i had to create tags just to keep track of my own suffering </3 i miss our little chats and i hope we can get back to them soon <333 ilysm <3

@hwanwooyoung chey my dearest, i hope you are having an amazing day today because you deserve the world <3 i self proclaimed myself as your emotional support mutual and while i don’t always manage to hold up that promise, i hope you know that i’m subconsiously sending you love and support every day! you’re such a beautiful person and i just want the universe to see that and give you everything you want in life <3 ilysm beloved, thank you for always being there for me <3 <3 <3

@ocean-dreamer-sky-chaser elise beloved!! i love you so much my love <3 im so glad we accidentally became friends lmao i love that i can leave rants in your dms whenever i need to and that we both feel comfortable enough to have deep and meaningful conversations and help each other out, or simply support each other and know we have each others’ backs. and also then i can come screaming about being on my knees for woosan just to have you go “same *faints*” HDSFJHSDK also love that we are both into fic lol it’s nice to have someone helplessly flailing with me about it <3333

@applejongho anne i think you’re just about the coolest person i know. even though we’ve only started talking properly quite recently, you’ve always been an awesome precense in atinyblr and i absolutely love how easy it is to chat to you about the most random shit. also MATH BUDDY LETS GO NERDS <33

@hanjesungs jay, although not really that deep in atinyblr anymore, you remain an awesome friend with knowledge on the most obscure things that i come to you to talk about, whether that be some random ass stage jisung did a year ago or how to build a computer from scratch, you always seem to know exactly what i need lmfao. thank you for teaching me about skz!! you and a few others truly opened my eyes to how fucking awesome they are. we should do another watch sesh soon <3 thank you for also always being there at whatever random hour i start vagueposting on tumblr, you show up in my messages with your love and support and distractions and i love you for it. you really need to get to bed at a reasonable time one of these days though HJDFSJDHF LOVE YOU <3

@blueberrysan shay!!! i love you so much <333 tbh, you are the heart of my life as an atiny, no doubt. you are the sweetest most precious angel and i wish we talked more but we’re both so stupidly shy it’s almost annoying sdjfsd thank you for also introducing me to svt and mr yoon jeonghan! i can’t thank you enough for all of the sweet messages and asks you’ve sent me, the little gifts here and there that i treasure. you’re so fucking lovely shay and i am so glad i am priviliged enough to know you <3 <3 <3

@hyunfelix dani im so glad we found each other again after being mutuals via stranger things without even talking to each other and then somehow being into some of the same kpop groups like a year or two later??? crazy how that happened. we need to come up with some kind of phonecall schedule lmao because we’re always missing each other being online but i love talking to you so much, it’s kind of like talking to myself but with an american accent BHSABD ilysm <3 text me again sometime pls <3333

a smol and special mention to sofie @seonghw-a and simi @yuggietual for the yeotent that i first found when searching for ateez content on tumblr lol, you guys were probably the first ccs i followed on here so you’re my og atinyblr crushes i guess sbdfjhf thanks for all your service to the yeo stans of this world <3

also a smol and special mention goes to the amazing work done by romi @songmingki providing atinys everywhere with content that we would not otherwise be able to access. i thank you internally every time i watch, save, gif, or simply drool over something you’ve uploaded. thank you so much <3

some other beloveds who i haven’t really spoken to much but deserve an honourable mention for making atiny and atinyblr incredible are @97choi @abiaswreck @ateezbiased @bvlnoriyas @dejawoos @jeongyunho99 @mangomingki @ortali @sanshine @seonghwaminho @soppa @lee--felix @woojoongz @wouyoung @xuseokgyu (i am so so sorry if i forgot anyone, it’s late and my brain is fried today)

last but not least, any non-mutuals who happen to be reading this, hi hello thanks for following my insane journey through stanning these silly, talented, gorgeous boys. i hope to stay here for a long time <3

thanks for coming to my ted talk. keep stanning ateez everyone <3

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello there. This is one of my fav blogs in tumblr and I'm so grateful for your fic recs. Seriously, they are life savers!!♥♥ Anyway I wanted to ask if you knew any fics where it's Sherlock/original male character.

Hey Nonny!

I DO! They're on my Victor Trevor / Sherlock and Other People and my Specifically Jealous John b/c of Other People lists! My favourite fic, though, with an OMC is this one:

Nothing to Make a Song About by emmagrant01 (E, 36,833 w., 10 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Time, Reunion, Jealous John, Pining Sherlock, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, Sherlock Has a Boyfriend) – When Sherlock returned from his faked death, John could not forgive him for the deception and broke off their friendship. Ten years later, John returns to London in search of yet another new beginning. Sherlock, not surprisingly, is waiting.

And if you like John and OMC, this one, which reimagines Mary:

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard(M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence / Post-TRF / S3 Rewrite, John’s Sexuality, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, Gay John) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

-----

And here are the ones tagged on my MFL list:

You Told Me I'm Golden by too many stars to count (E, 4,013 w., 1 Ch. || Doms and Subs || BDSM, Dom John, Sub Sherlock, Bondage, Aftercare, Sherlock/OMC, Sherlock/Victor) – Sherlock loves being the submissive partner during sex but he hates the feelings of abandonment that always follow once his Dom leaves, so he swears off sex. Once he and John start living together, a re-evaluation is necessary.

Harvest moon by Kittywicket (NR, 5,829 w., 1 Ch. || Mystrade || Sherlock / OMC, Not Johnlock, Rosie Watson) – Things are moving on in the garden and all of their lives.

Holding Hands by loveanddeathandartandtaxes (E, 9,494 w., 7 Ch. || Escort Service, Inexperienced Sherlock, Voyeurism, Oral / Anal, Rimming, Demisexual Sherlock, Repressed Bisexual John, Friends with Benefits to Lovers, Sherlock/OMC) – "I'm not actually gay." Peter shrugged. "It's all just skin and orgasms, in the end." "I... suppose so. But - we're not like that. We're friends; we don't have sex." "You're about to watch him have sex," Peter pointed out.

Hope is a Subtle Glutton by isitandwonder (E, 15,753 w., 1 Ch. || No Johnlock, Sherlock/OMC, Racism, Aftermath of Violence, Happy Ending) – This is a story about Sherlock Holmes finally finding love and the happiness he deserves - just not with John Watson.

Christmas Lights by emma221b (T, 21,085 w., 8 Ch. || Teenager AU - not Johnlock || Sherlock OMC, Homeless Sherlock, Big Brother Mycroft, Christmas Angst, Anxiety, Bathing / Washing, Depression, Drug Use, Mental Health Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Sherlock’s Past, Self Esteem, Loss, Tragedy, Holmes Brothers, Protective Mycroft, Meddling Mycroft, POV Sherlock, Vulnerable Sherlock) – It's tough being homeless, especially at Christmas. When Sherlock finds himself cold and alone on the streets of London, he can see no way back. What he needs now is one more miracle, and he might just be about to find it - even if it's not the one that he thinks that he wants.

Consent by KeelieThompson1 (M, 26,466 w., 11 Ch. || OMC, Rape/Non-Con, Rape Recovery, Sexual Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Developing Relationship, Triggers) – Sherlock has a difficult past regarding sex which John discovers when he tries to change their relationship.

Cannot Help But Fall by achray (E, 28,002 w., 2 Ch. || Sherlock/OMC, John/OFC, Implied Violence, Prostitution) – John really hadn’t expected to come down for his morning tea on a normal Baker St Sunday and find a strange man asleep on the sofa.

Becoming Watson and Holmes by black_rose_blade (E, 29,900 w., 12 Ch. || Post-S4, Romance, Jealous John, Friends to Lovers, Experienced Sherlock, Confused John, Parentlock, Sherlock/OMC) –  A short story about Sherlock and John finally getting together.

Unrepentant by squire (M, 36,051 w., 10 Ch. || S3 Canon Divergence, Sherlock/OMC, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jealous John, References to Torturem Major Character Injury, URT, First Kiss, Relationship Negotiation, Angst with Happy Ending, Developing Relationship) – Sherlock comes back from the dead, and he's not sorry.

The Perfect Stranger by 72reasons (E, 39,712 w., 11 Ch. || Post-TGG, Pining, Unrequited Love, Grindr, Online Dating, OMC’s, Switching, Sherlock’s Lisp, Flirty John, Love Confessions, Frottage) – Sherlock and John pining for each other, basically since the beginning, but neither wanting to risk their beautiful friendship, living situation, or The Work. Each of them separately thinks that maybe dating another man will help to alleviate their lustful feelings for the other. Without knowing what the other is doing, they both download Grindr and each have a few encounters with random men. One day, the most observant man on the planet finds his beloved, supposedly straight, army doctor's profile on the app, looking for a male lover. Angst, miscommunication, and ultimately love.Set around the end of S1 and the beginning of S2 (you know, the pool).

In Confidence by emmadelosnardos (M, 40,012 w., 24 Ch. || Alternate Universe || Psychiatric Diagnosis, Addiction, Psychoanalysis, Homophobia, Psychological Trauma, Sherlock / OMC) – Reason for referral: Patient was admitted to dual diagnosis unit for detox on 27.5.2002. BIB brother, Mycroft Holmes, following arrest for intoxication on 26.5.2002. Pt was under the influence of cocaine when he was admitted. Pt was admitted for 28 days with possible extension to two months. Requested single unit. Request granted by special permission of the Director.

The Night Is Darkest by missselene (E, 48,461 w., 8 Ch. || Post-TLD, Extremely Dub Con, S4 Rage Monster John, Insecure Sherlock, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Exploration, Healing, Self Care, Self Acceptance, Sexual Exploration, Casual Sex, Gentle Sex, Sherlock/OMC, Threesome with 2 OMCs, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Communication, Internalized Homophobia, Relationship Negotiation) –  Sherlock Holmes would do anything for John Watson... and that includes letting John do whatever he wants to him. What would it take for Sherlock to stand up for himself and finally start taking care of his own needs?

Sherlock & SanjaySeries by missselene (E, 51,355+ w., 2 Ch. || Sherlock/OMC || One Sided Johnlock, Cuddling/Snuggling, Online Dating, Angst, Dancing, First Kiss/Time, Jealous John) –  Sherlock knows John will never return his feelings. So what if he decided to look for love elsewhere?

What have you done? by Tildathings (M, 63,940+ w., 17/? Ch. || WiP || Internalized Homophobia, John’s Family, Coming Out, Sherock/OMC, Hugging, Suicide, John Deduce’s, Nightmares, Love Confession, First Date, Bed Sharing, Psychiatry) – John have been invited by Sherlock on a pub night?! Sherlock said to him at Monday that Greg and Mike wanted him to come with them on a pub night. Sherlock is afraid that he would do something wrong socially left alone, so could John come with him? When John arrives at the pub Two Broken Hearts he sees Sherlock talking to a man.

This Would Make You Happy? by Ranowa (M, 71,217 w., 10 Ch. || Post-TLD Fix It, Past Viclock, Past Sherlock/OMC, Therapy, Protective John, Drug Use, Pining, Autistic Sherlock, Angst with a Happy Ending) – John, more than anything else, wants Sherlock to be happy. Sherlock, more than anything else, wants to make John happy. These two goals are not as in sync as one would think.

In Clear View by theSeventhStranger (E, 93,106 w., 33 Ch. || Post S3 fix It, Jealous John, Sherlock/OMC, Sexual Fantasy, Dev. Rel., Anal, Rimming, Porn with Feelings, Fluff, Happy Ending) – John and Mary, domestic bliss? Since the baby came, John hasn't seen Sherlock in far too long. One night, after a few too many drinks at the pub, John decides to make a surprise visit to 221B Baker Street. How will he react when he discovers that Sherlock has a boyfriend..?

-----

Feel Free to add more, friends!

[sukirichi]

heeeey do you have any advice for newbie writers?

writing advice for newbies!

disclaimer: the advice i’m going to give (funnily enough) is not something that i always personally do. i’ve been writing both fiction and non-fiction for years, i only came to tumblr because i wasn’t satisfied with how i kept pressuring myself to write “high literature” after gaining awards and recognition for my stories. my fanfiction here in this blog...it’s unrefined, definitely not what i used to write before because i’m a lot less serious about it and i’m just writing freely. but the advice i’ll list below is personally some stuff that has helped me a lot in my entire writing journey! Some are technical, some are personal! down below will also list some tumblr related writing advice! 

1. Keep writing! No one is born a great writer. Before I actually started publishing/posting my stories, I remember I spent at least five years writing the most random crap just so I can get a feel for what my style is. Plus, the more you do things repeatedly, it’ll come eventually like second nature to you and you’ll find the words are flowing. Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing! Even if you’re not satisfied with your first work, that’s okay, just keep going on!

2. Be mindful of what tense you’re using. NOW I KNOW I DON’T REALLY FOLLOW THIS BUT THAT’S BECAUSE I DON’T EDIT MY FICS LMAO, but you could totally do this! So in writing, we have “voices.” The narration will always use tenses of whether the entire story will be past tense or present tense and it’s important this remains consistent in your entire story. This one is TECHNICAL, this just help improves the flow and formality of your story. As for me though, I don’t really care about the tenses anymore because like I said, I just write freely with no regards for “creative writing techniques.” an example of past tense is: Suki jumped to Naoya’s arms. “My love!” she called, wrapping her arms around him. (RIP EXAMPLES) and present tense is: Suki jumps to Naoya’s arms. “My love!” she calls and wraps her arms around him. (this could be real flexible tho, this is just an example ehehehe)

3. Be mindful of dialogue tags! There’s a huge difference between putting periods and commas after dialogues. Like for example, “Suki loves Naoya,” she declared. If it’s followed by an action, the comma is best. Or example, Suki said, “I really love Naoya.” If the statement can stand alone, then it can be “Suki really loves Naoya./I really love Naoya.” There’s better explanations here! And one more thing, you should put the commas/periods inside the quotation marks. There’s more variations/explanations here but generally, this way of writing,,,example: “Suki really loves Naoya”, LIKE??? if it’s a dialogue, put the commas/periods inside the quotation marks.

4. PARAGRAPH BREAKS. I cannot stress this enough. There should be a variety in the sizes of your paragraphs. Long paragraphs should be followed by smaller ones, varied with medium paragraphs and then so and so forth. There’s no formal sequence that it should be LONG – MEDIUM – SHORT – MEDIUM – LONG, writing is flexible, just make sure you’re varying the lengths because reading long, chunky paragraphs with no end is equally annoying as reading paragraphs that are always 1-2 sentences and then a paragraph break.

5. Outline, outline, outline! Whether it’s long fics or short ones (excluding drabbles, I don’t think you need them that much) outlines will help you have a more solid feel of your story, and you can easily track your story flow when you have your ideas plotted out. or me, my outlines is in the form of Dialogue Outline, where I write out all the dialogues first so my pages will be just conversations then I’ll add the monologues/actions later. That’s personally what works for me, you can discover your own writing style <3

6. Research! Now this is pretty funny for me to say this because I don’t really do research, at least not the “how to effectively write this type of role” or whatever. Of course it’s better if you try to learn more about the concept you’re going to write about (like if you wanna do a vampire AU then read Twiligh – JK THAT’S A BAD REFERENCE, SORRY NOT SORRY, love the memes tho!) or you can do my own way of researching, which is reading other people’s fanfics! Not only do you get a vibe of how this character is like, but you also get to support other content creators!

7. You don’t need verbs all the time. Sometimes I see stories wherein ALL dialogues have “said” “screamed” “explained” on EACH line and here’s the key: as long as the readers can understand which character is speaking, you don’t need dialogue cues all the time. 

8. PUT THE KEEP READING TAB. I cannot stress this enough, but please put the keep reading tab. Drabbles are fine without them, but if it exceeds maybe 400 words then you’re going to need that. Sure, it’s easy to scroll past a long text, but some fics are super long and without the keep reading tab that it can be quite a hassle to whoever sees it.

9. Have your own writing safe space. Now this could be more personal than technical, but I absolutely cannot write or focus when I’m in a public space or when I’m being bothered. So if you want to write, SHUT THE WORLD OUT and dive deep into your imaginations, let the noise of your fantasies be louder than distractions.

10. Take your time! I guess that would be my best advice. You don’t have to rush anything at all, and one more thing, DO NOT OVERTHINK! Maybe this is just me but I honestly don’t really try to dive too deep in the technicalities anymore :// I’ve been in Creative Writing class for years and it stressed me out that my writing teachers always told me “not to use big words because no one will understand that” or “don’t try to paint the picture too clearly because not everyone has that big of an imagination” and I was like ISN’T THAT THE POINT THOUGH, TO MAKE PEOPLE IMAGINE THINGS? but yeah anyways, maybe this is just me again, but I find that I write better when I’m not overthinking too much on how to write a “perfect” story. I don’t always have the prettiest words to use. I don’t always have the most intricate plot. I don’t always have the most poetic content that is “inspiring” or “moving.” Sometimes I write stupid shit that has no plot at all, and that’s okay. Just write whatever you want tbh, I’d say my biggest advice is to not worry too much about having the “perfect” story. It’s still great to do research and want to improve your writing skills, but hmm...I guess I’d say the most important thing is that you enjoy what you do!

11. “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” – Ernest Hemingway. This is one of my favourite quotes because it’s true, writing is both complicated and simple, but as for me, writing is something that I don’t want to stress too much about. There isn’t really an actual right or wrong, there isn’t a law, just some techniques that could help you improve, but at the end of the day, it should be about the steady state of progress or the “creation flow” that matters the most. Just write, that’s it. You’ll get there eventually and you’ll start creating magic before you know it. Just let the words flow and build, worry about quality later when you edit it. Or you know, if you’re lazy like me, just post it when you’re done LMAO. really though the BEST advice is to enjoy the process and not stress too much about it!

here is a previous ask i answered that may be of help too! 

[hilli98215]

I am confused. I am hurt. I don’t know what to think. This is a long post. A very long post that is personal but I’ve had it in my head for a while to write. You don’t have to read this. This post has no real meaning. It’s more of a rant of how I feel in the world of fandom, my experiences, and why this posts exists. 

Again, you do not have to read this. 

You have been warned.

DO NOT REBLOG THIS POST!!!! 

When I became an English major in college, I did so knowing several things. One of those is the fact I love literature and I love discovering why authors, creators, and artists wrote what became their most well known work.

Where am I going?

My first fandom was when I was in Junior High (about 13-14 years old) that I was a part of, meaning I read fan fiction and discovered fan art of, was either Naruto or Pokémon. To me these works were escapes of my real confusing life. Especially when I moved states and schools. I had no one. Through this, I discovered what I liked and didn’t like in the world of fiction and was introduced to fandom words/slang such as shipping, fan fiction, lemons (which I don’t think is used as often now), different types of writing, yaoi, yuri, and a few more I can’t remember. This also included the all important phrase Don’t like don’t read. This was when I was in my early teens. 

But I was in a phase where I could find what I found interesting and that was that. 

When I got to high school, I was still this awkward quiet kid with no friends. But I did have marching band so that was something. 

At this point was was interested in Ouran Highschool Host Club, Death Note, a series called Beauty Pop, Fullmetal Alchemist, and a few others. This was also around the time where I began writing fanfiction for OHSC and even began buying manga. Anyway, this was my introduction to fandom as a teenager. And this is before Tumblr.

All I had were my friends, videos on YouTube, and my own interests. No one really understood why I loved all these things. 

Then came the very first fandom I became fully obsessed in my sophomore year: a small series called Hetalia Axis Powers. I was completely invested in this fandom. So much so I wrote fan fiction, bought merch, and read a lot of fan fiction myself. I think it was because, at the time I thought it was because the art style was cute, the voice acting wasn’t half bad and it had to do with history. But this is where things got interesting for me and learning about fandom as a whole. 

As a teen, I hadn’t known about AUs and this series had a lot of them. From the usual school AUs to odd ones. I usually stayed in my bubble and kept up the mantra Don’t like Don’t read. 

But why talk about it?

Well, let’s just say a lot of the content later on became weird and new. I learned a lot about new terms like de-aging and ABO. But this leads to interest which once again let me know what genres of fan fiction I like. 

I continued on with this fandom for about 3 years. And what broke it was the drama and how people were finding a sudden moral compass for personified countries. I mean there are other problems with that show that I recognize now as an adult and didn't see as a kid but that’s for another time. But I quietly left because I was beginning to understand that the drama wasn’t worth a tv show.

I would say the next fandom I was invested in and loved and I think had the least amount of drama was Fairy Tail. Now I fell in love with this series because of the story, characters, and the welcoming fandom. Overall there was rarely any drama because I think we all knew that we had to be civil with each other and respect our ships. While I’m not part of that fandom anymore a lot of people on Tumblr and FFN were very welcoming. The main series kinda fizzled out but that was one of the few positive fandom experiences I had.

I was at that point in my life where I was in college, created my Tumblr and posted regularly to escape life. 

Coming off that fandom, I was part of the Yuri on Ice! fandom from beginning to the end. I mean it’s a sports anime that’s about men's figure skating and how it can affect athletes just to get a gist of it.

That’s when my experience with fandom became interesting because these characters were being paired in a way that made me feel like they can’t be paired with anyone else. Like, there was a pairing we were all cheering for to happen by the end. 

This is the first series I was highly interested in as an adult where the ages of the characters were defined. There were a few in their teens, some in their early to mid 20s, and a couple in their 30s. Now this was a historic anime for several reasons. The main being there being a gay relationship being shown in a positive light and mental illness being shown in a way that wasn’t patronizing and negative. I loved this show for those reasons. But I also quickly learned how people would take these characters (especially those with huge age differences) and pair them up. That was my first introduction to criticism of how ‘gross’ it would be for a 15 year old to be paired up with an 18 year old. But I saw a problem that made me second guess my thinking. When I was in high school, I knew someone who was a sophomore at 15 and dated someone who was 18. Why was there a problem? 

I knew if I voiced this that I would be shamed and told that I was disgusting. Eventually I had enough and left shortly after the series ended.

Then came the Voltron: Legendary Defender series. Oh boy.

Now that series came out while I was in college and I often viewed it in a critical perspective similar to one would a piece of literature because my major was in English and that was what I was taught. Like YOI I was part of this fandom day 1 because it was so different from the original Voltron series from the 80s. I loved how the fandom dissected everything in every episode. There were watch parties, analysis videos, and even skits at conventions. It was a fandom I knew I wanted to be a part of. But then there was fanfiction that I found odd and knew that I never wanted to read that. People were writing about topics that made me uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to deal with it. After a while, I questioned why I was forcing myself to read them in the first place. So, I stopped reading them. This was also around the time where I discovered AO3 and their amazing tagging system. Because if the tagging system was not there, I probably would have stopped reading fanfiction all together.

But then there was drama, shipping wars, morality wars, and I had enough. I was there until it ended and left quietly. Which is sad considering I loved the experience but it was ruined by what people thought was right for fictional characters. 

Now you may be asking “What was the point of this post?”

To answer your question, I don’t know.

I have loved reading since I was a kid. And when I got to high school, I had this AP teacher who told us something that has stayed with me to this day.

‘As a reader we are detectives. We want to know why the author wrote this book. We want to know what influenced them.’

I took that saying to heart and approach everything through a critical lens. Which is difficult in a fandom. It’s hard to have a critical approach to a series that everyone takes for a grain of salt.

I have been exposed to a lot of books and pieces of literature that have been considered controversial because of their content. When I left high school, I began to realize what genres of books I like in the YA genre and in literature. 

I experimented.

And when you think about it, that’s what you do with fan fiction and fandom. We are always experimenting. We are always finding what we like and don’t like. 

But recently I’ve noticed a new fandom term that makes me wonder where I fall in all of this craziness we call fandom. 

Pro-Fiction/Pro-Shipper

It wasn’t until last year I saw this word thrown around in a new fandom I am in. I tried to do some research but I couldn't find anything. Nothing. And then I learned it’s a new term in itself.

I won’t go into detail but it reminds of the ‘video games are violent so that makes so-and-so violent’ argument parents made when Mortal Kombat came out. 

Well you still didn’t answer the question.

And you’d be right. I saw a post from a follower that saddened me and honestly freaked me out. Why announce that you hate a specific group? It felt like a call out post without saying any names. A warning that states: Block me or out yourself. Or rather: Block me or else.

Do I identify as this? To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I think critically and see things differently. In fact everyone does. 

We are always going to be influenced by the media whether it be a movie, television, a book, or a video game. We will always love these storylines and characters. We will always take the messages to heart. We will always cheer for the hero and maybe the villain too. 

I do want you guys to remember this, make your own fandom experience. Block those who make you feel uncomfortable and make you feel like you don’t matter. You do.

You are your own person. No one can tell you otherwise. If you feel uncomfortable, then maybe you need to leave the fandom. Or find a space in the fandom that you can be yourself. Or don’t care what people think and do what you always do.

It’s all up to you.

[flamehairedwritings]

The Fiancé: Chapter Two

Characters: Steve Rogers x Female Plus-Size Reader

Rating: E, 18+ Only

Summary: Based on the prompt ‘Character A’s ex will be at the Christmas Party A is attending. Character B poses as A’s fiancé ,’ by @alloftheprompts on tumblr. Now edited and extended!

A/N: I couldn’t get this idea out of my head recently, so here we are a year and half later. Yay!

This story includes swearing and alcohol with more tags to be added!

Masterlist

The Fiancé:  Chapter One

Read on AO3

Please don’t copy or steal my work, and please don’t post it on any other sites; credit does not count.

Good Morning, Washington!

Any minute now.

Any minute.

Your face is starting to ache from having it scrunched up so you can stare through the peep-hole properly.

3... 2... 1...

He still doesn’t appear.

How is that possible? You take the briefest of pauses to glance at your watch before swiftly returning your eye to the peep-hole. It’s 7:31. He’s always out of his door every single day at 7:30 for an hour long jog, and you’ve known that for three years because the sound of his door opening and closing is basically your alarm clock. Except for today. Today, you’ve gotten up before the opening and closing of the door because you want to make damn sure you don’t encounter him on your way to work. 

He’s always on time, how is he not out yet? Oh, no... Is he dead? Don’t be silly, of course he isn’t... No, he can’t be. Oh, just go.

Standing back, you exhale a short breath, adjust your bag on your shoulder and open your door. Closing it as quietly as possible behind yourself, you lock it and turn, pushing your keys into your bag.

Then you hear his door opening.

Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

You can do nothing else but freeze and stare at Steve Rogers stepping out of his apartment. As he closes and locks his own door, his keys going into the pocket of his sweatpants, he then turns to you and gives you that warm, wide smile that has you instantly smiling in return.

“Well, good morning. I didn’t know you even knew this time of day existed.”

You tilt your head, arching an eyebrow even as you unsuccessfully try to stop your smile from widening. “A-haa, you’re so funny, they keep ignoring my emails to have that little fact put in the museums.”

A corner of his mouth lifts higher than the other as he chuckles, his hands in his pockets. “How rude of them, I’ll bring it up at the next gala commemorating me.”

You snort as you walk together, him slowing a little so you can enter the elevator first. “Please do, I can’t wait to watch the live-stream of that.”

The elevator doors close as he leans his shoulder against the wall, your hands holding the strap of your bag as you face the doors.

“That reminds me actually...” Your gaze shifts to him as he looks to you, raising his eyebrows slightly. “... Tony’s throwing a party this Saturday to celebrate Christmas, ‘super-secret boy-band style’, I believe the invitation says.” Amusement and exasperation drips from his tone. “As you can imagine, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my weekend, but I have to go, SHIELD and Stark orders, so, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.”

Your mouth had already opened to make a quip at Stark’s expense, and now it just stays open.

Oh, God...

The nervousness that had vanished at the ease with which he can put you instantly returns.

“Uhm...” You can’t lie. You can’t say no, because A) That’s rude, and B) you’ll just have to give him a reason why, you won’t be able to stop yourself, and you really don’t want to give the truth. “... Yes. That sounds like fun.” You don’t know how you managed to say it without sounding completely like a robot.

He tilts his head, arching an eyebrow. “Easy, you know we both wouldn’t exactly call it ‘fun’, but I just thought you might want to see some of the guys, too, I know they’d love to see you.”

Oh, I do miss Sam and Nat, when was the last time we hung out... Right, so... Okay, that’s fine, then, that settles it, it’s just a friends thing.

Your smile is a little easier to maintain now as you nod. “Sure, yeah, that does sound like fun. Closer to our kind of fun, anyway.”

He looks slightly relieved, straightening as the elevator slows and the automated voice announces, ‘Ground Floor’.

“Great. Having you around will make it a little more bearable.” The doors open and he gestures for you to step out, his smile widening. “And I do reckon you owe me for Saturday.”

Oh, shit. 

You have to tell yourself to keep fucking moving and actually walk out of the elevator to the main doors of the building.

He means... Saturday. As in two days ago. As in when you were at your office Christmas party. As in when you bumped into your ex-boyfriend. As in when you told said ex-boyfriend that Steve Rogers is your fiancé. As in when Steve went along with being your fiancé. As in when he had his arm around you, called you ‘my girl’ and kissed the top of your head.

Swallowing, you quickly plaster on a smile as he catches up to you and gets the door, my God, just stop being so polite, letting you exit first.

“Oh... Yeah, well, you know...” You hope he knows because you don’t bloody know.

Letting the door swing shut and electronically lock behind him, he pushes his hands into his pockets again as you both pause on the pavement.

“Like I said, it wasn’t as awful as you painted it to be, and neither will this Stark party be, but I reckon fair is fair,” he smiles, tilting his head.

Oh. So we’re still not addressing the fiancé thing. Okay. Absolutely bloody fine.

You laugh quickly as you realise you’ve been quiet a second too long. “Oh, yeah, well, I think this party will be a lot more glamorous and the buffet a bit bigger.”

“That it will be. And a free bar, I’ve been told.”

“Oh, perfect!” You sound far too jovial about that. Hang on, that might actually help. Widening your smile, you gesture behind you. “I’d better get going, I have an early meeting.” Lies. “Thank you for the invite, though, I’d better dust off my glad-rags, see what wonders they can do for me.”

He chuckles and he’s still smiling and, oh, that smile. “Wear whatever you like, you look lovely in everything.”

You just laugh, slightly forcing it as you feel heat rise on your cheeks but, thank God, he’s already turned away, jogging off down the street. You meet a passing woman’s brief gaze and quickly drop your slightly maniacal smile, clearing your throat. It must have been really maniacal, actually, as her eyes quickly dart back to you and she frowns.

All righty.

Turning on your heel, you start to stride down the street, your mind buzzing. 

Oh, God...

You have a crush on Steve Rogers. Of course you have a crush on Steve Rogers, who doesn’t? But the absolute last thing in the world you want to do is ruin your friendship. You’d moved to D.C three years ago, on pretty much a whim, well, and a job offer, and a friend insisting it would be the best thing for you, not just your career... and it had been. You’d made such a good friend in Steve, and others, you loved your job, and... God, you really did not want to ruin any of it.

At the party, you’d nearly blown it, you still can’t believe you’d even said it. Steve had had every right to just laugh or frown at you or say his version of ‘what the fuck’, (’now hang on a second’), and you would have completely understood and forgiven him... Except he was the kindest man in the entire universe, so of course he’d just gone along with it, cracked one joke afterwards and not mentioned it again. Granted, it had only been an evening and a full day ago, but you were always messaging each other and it still hadn’t come up. Even on the ride back from the party, he’d driven, you’d just talked about the changing weather, sung along to a few songs on the radio and chatted about how you were each going to spend your Sunday.

Well, maybe, actually, it had been you talking about the weather, you singing along to the radio, and you talking about your Sunday. You had asked him how he was going to spend the next day, though... and asked question after question. Oh, he was going to watch a game at Sam’s? And Bucky was going to be there? How nice, how were they, by the way? Oh, how nice, that’s good, oh, look, back at the apartment!

Even when you’d messaged him yesterday it had just been to talk about the game, how the boys were and to send pictures of Sam’s new TV. Steve was either being very gracious and just letting it pass, or it just didn’t bother him at all, or even occur to him to talk about it.

Either way, you certainly weren’t going to bring it up.

With two weeks to go until Christmas, the weather was certainly colder, and, boy, did you feel it. Wishing you’d remembered your gloves in all the rushing around, you quickened your pace, shoving your anxieties away and dreaming of the hot drinks machine in the office kitchen.

Oh, hooo, I’m coming for you.

—

Stepping out of the elevator, you breathe a sigh of relief as the warmth of the office instantly washes over you. It’s a quiet space in a large building that houses everything from a law firm to a high-end fashion magazine, so you love this little floor of peace.

Book-publishing wasn’t something five-year-old you had dreamed of going in to, but you loved it. You loved discovering and meeting new, exciting authors, making their dreams come true, spreading their voice and imagination to the masses, and, hey, getting to read the proof-copies before the rest of the world is definitely a perk.

People in your office are lovely and calm, too, and despite the running joke that they’d have first dibs on Captain America’s only authorised biography should it ever come to fruition, no one really brings your friendship up unless you do. Smiling at the receptionist, Dolly, she returns it with a wide beam, which isn’t so unusual, she’s the happiest and most positive person you’ve ever met, until you realise she’s shoved her chair back and is darting around the desk to catch up with you.

She probably got up to something exciting at the weekend and can’t wait to tell me. She’s always doing exciting things, I wish I had the energy to do exciting things.

Walking along with you as you pass desks, only a couple of people here as it’s only 8:27 a glance at your watch tells you, Dolly is still beaming.

“So...”

“So...?” you prompt after a few moments as she just looks at you, exhaling a laugh.

You can always have a laugh with Dolly, she’s always ready to.

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

Oh, shit, it’s not her birthday, is it? No, it’s in May, we went to the Mexican restaurant across the road and got free tequila shots.

Raising your eyebrows as you smile in bemusement, you laugh again. “Uh, not really. Oh, I’m happy to see you, as always?”

She laughs, shaking her head. “You’re so coy!”

Pushing your office door open, you frown even as you continue smiling because what the hell is going on. “About what?”

She raises her arms as she stares at you, watching you place your bag on your desk and shrug your thick coat off. “’About what’?! Are you kidding me?”

Am I dreaming right now.

Sitting down in your chair, you raise your hands slightly, palms up. “I don’t actually understand what’s going on right now.”

Her hands go to her hips as she looks at you, amazed. “You’ve always been so damn good at keeping secrets, SHIELD should recruit you, I’ve always said it.”

“Well, that’s very kind of you to say, but I really don’t know what’s going on, Dolly.” Turning your computer on, you raise your eyebrows.

A wide smile breaks out across her features as she raises her arms again. “Your engagement, you secretive little secret-keeper!”

Your mouth drops open as you stare at her, one hand hovering over the keyboard, the other on your mouse.

“... I’m sorry?”

“Gwen heard you telling Joe at the party!” She’s grinning. She’s beaming. She’s delighted. “I get why you’d want to keep it a secret, but I’m so pleased you’re deciding to tell people!”

“Oh, my God... Dolly—”

“Oh, is it still a secret?” Her arms drop as she glances at the rest of the office but luckily no one’s close by. “Okay, all right, I’ll make sure no one gossips, I’ll put a stop to it if I hear any.” She grins again. “Until you tell people that is.” As you open your mouth to speak, she gives a little squeal and presses a hand over her heart. “I’m just so, so happy for you, babe, I can’t wait to hear all about it!”

I’m not dreaming. This is actually a nightmare. Or hell. Hell would be more deserving.

“Dolly, I, uhm, I actually—”

“Oh, shoot, sorry,” she interrupts, pulling a face as you hear the phone at her desk ringing. “Guess the day’s started.” Beaming, she blows you a kiss as she heads out of the door, pulling it closed behind her... but not before mouthing, “I love you, I’m so happy for you.”

You just watch her through the large window. Watch her march down the aisle in her heels. She always has great heels. Unique and stylish ones. Ah, yeah, she has a friend at the fashion magazine on the 21st floor. And you’re down here. On the 11th floor. Staring out of a window at your friend. Having an out of body experience.

You blink a few times as you sit back, frowning at yourself before you exhale a laugh.

Oh, come on, now, get a grip. Just call her once she’s finished with whoever she’s talking to, and then it’ll be fine, you’ll laugh about it, laugh about it some more when you have lunch, and then maybe laugh about it a bit more later. It’ll be hilarious.

Clearing your throat, you sign-in to your computer and open the internet browser. You usually check your phone first thing in the morning, but having been too preoccupied frantically running around trying to get ready to evade a certain someone, you haven’t had the chance yet. As Head of Marketing, you like to know what’s going on pretty much every second of the day on social media, see what trends there are and see what people are saying about the company’s books.

The browser opens onto a round-up of the news stories of the day, as it always does so you can get a quick overview of what’s going on, and you start to glance over them.

And then you freeze.

Oh, fucking hell.

Fucking Jesus Christ.

Headlines are jumping out at you, screaming.

Cap’s New Flame!

Who’s On The Guest List For The Wedding of The Century?!

Downtown NY Wedding Boutique Says It’s Already Making A Dress!

I Pledge Allegiance To... Who?!

You click on a random article and instantly start to read, your mouth open.

Good morning, Washington! What news we have for you! Previously linked to former SHIELD Director Peggy Carter in the 40s, then her niece, Sharon Carter, a few years ago, Cap’s love-life has since been as still as the ice he was found in... until now! Who is the mysterious lady who’s rumoured to be Steve’s fiancée? There’s no word yet on her name or even what she looks like, but we’ll keep you up-to-date with minute-by-minute re-caps (pun not intended!) and updates! Click the alarm for notifications, or subscribe... 

That’s why the woman on the street had stared. Quite a few people had stared actually. Some had even whispered. You’d just chalked it up to your usual anxieties but... Oh, God.

There’s a knock on your door.

Your gaze drifts up to find Dolly opening it, biting at her lower lip as she leans in. She’s not smiling anymore.

“Uh... It’s the, uhm, editor of the Washington Post on line 1, she, uhm... She’d like to schedule an interview.”

You stare at her, frozen, feeling hot and cold all at once.

Oh my fucking God.

—

Comments, reblogs and likes make my day in a way I can’t describe.

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged or untagged in this series!

Tagged: @herb-welch​, @jobean12-blog​, @gifsbysimplysonia​, @multireality​, @saltyspiceduh​, @sergeantangel​, @sarcasm-is-my-native-tounge​

Some accounts have been removed as they weren’t working! Apologies!

[jaegerboob]

WIP ROUNDUP!!

i was tagged by @trashpocket​ (hey bae ;)) and since im lonely here on tumblr and have no one but the void to yell at, i won’t be tagging anyone :((

okay let’s start off with my published WIPS lol i have quite a collection and boy do i regret posting most of these, but anyway that’s here’s my hot girl shit

"i’ll figure it out with a little more time” - (if u knew me at my thai BL phase no u didn’t :)) anyways this was a supposed to be a pretty short fic that features an oblivious Sarawat not knowing how to navigate his feelings towards Tine and Tine being an equally giant dumbass. their school is hosting a school dance and Sarawat’s emotionally constipated ass doesn’t know how to SPEAK and just ASK Tine to go w/ him. i swear i might be the author of this story but i also get mad at these fuckers

“we’re boyfriends?” - ah yes another Thai BL fic, i will admit. i have NO idea where to take this story lmao. i still wanna finish it tho cuz i hate disappointing ppl. the fic starts with Ae and Pond making a dumb bet so Pond will stop jerking off in their shared room and promises that he won’t do that as long Ae dates someone random and based off of Pond’s choosing. sweet bby Pete wanders into their campus accidentally  and gets picked. Ae does the deed and tells Pete they’re dating. Ae thinks that Pete and Pond are scheming to make his life a living hell but lo and behold Pete has actually fallen in love with him (heheheh) 

“i wanna ruin our friendship” - hello lgbtq+ community :). we all know where this fuckin title is from don’t be sneaky. so here’s my KilluGon college fic. I initially wrote this like two years ago and uploaded it on wattpad lmaooo then i edited it and posted on ao3 and once again i have no idea where to take this (ive forgotten what my original idea for this was lol) so basically Killua and Gon are really close friends and Gon is sortof a player in this AU idk why khdkadha but anywayz all of Gon’s exes have left him bc they’re jealous of Killua but Gon would never pick his current S/O over him so HAAA. it all goes to shit tho when Retz decides to trick Gon to taking her back for the school dance and idk what path to go for T_T 

AIGHT now for my UNPUBLISHED WIPS buckle up yall this is a LOT. all the titles are WIPS so that’s why theyre iffy lol

“pussy talented”- (don’t mind the title lmao i just wanted a cat pun in there somewhere) basically, Bokuto is a firefighter and Akaashi an editor. They work near each other and Bokuto often visits Kuroo, who works with Akaashi. Ofc Akaashi falls in love at first sight but then he overhears that he has a "Kenma" waiting for him at home. Akaashi assumes that he's probably Bo's boyfriend and then leaves him alone, making Bo confused as hell. Little that he knows that Kenma is actually a grumpy calico cat.

“killugon flower shop AU” - Wing owns a flower shop and Killua helps out with Zushi along with Alluka out of boredom and one day Alluka asks Killua to help out with her client then he meets Gon and is immediately smitten until Gon says that he's looking for something that he can give to a girlfriend (it was actually Ging's request lol), lots of misunderstanding, Killua being too shy to ask the handsome stranger out and Alluka and Zushi being done with his shit 

“rice isn’t the only thing getting crushed here” - Osamu falls in love with one of his most loyal costumers—Akaashi and he thinks he might just have a shot at it until one day while Akaashi is ordering a bunch of riceballs, Bokuto Koutaro of Japan's National Volleyball team enters the restaurant and sweeps Akaashi of his feet, unexpected angst and a generous helping of unrequited pining :)) dw this fic can go two ways: Bokuto is just Akaashi's best friend who he hasn't seen in months or b. Bokuto is actually Akaashi's fiance maybe i’ll write both endings heehee

“killua is sad and gets lovebombed” - while staying in Whale Island, Killua thinks he that he doesn't deserve Gon and tries to leave him while he's asleep but his plan is stopped when Gon wakes up and they both end up revealing their true feelings for each other

“excuse to write charles getting fucked by two delicious men” - Erik and Charles have been in a relationship for years now and basically fell out of love so when Erik gets promoted and has to move, Charles agrees and so they break up. Charles turns to Logan (who harbors a giant crush on Charles) for companionship and sleep together once. Logan says it was an accident but Charles wants more and they establish a FWB situation of sorts since Charles isn't ready yet. But then Charles gets into an accident and can't remember what happened the past year and a half so he still thinks he's with Erik. Meanwhile, Erik is living a luxurious yet empty life and when he gets the call from Raven about Charles' situation, he immediately goes back running.

“killua in whale island” - KilluGon are like 20-ish and Killua visits Whale Island and Ging just happens to be there as well. Killua thinks about how even though Gon and Ging are near identical, Gon just looks so much more handsome. (probs just a oneshot) 

 “another horny cherik fic” - Charles is a demon who was accidentally summoned when Raven, Hank and Ororo uses Erik's blood to perform a demon summoning ritual (as a joke) they didn't know it would actually work so now Charles is stuck with Erik because the human absolutely refuses to sell his soul

“IwaOi overboard AU” - Oikawa is a rich pretty boy and Iwa a college dropout who works at his uncle's repair shop with his younger brother Tobio and cousin Kyoutani ( both 5 yrs old). One day he gets called over to fix one of Oikawa's cars and after a failed and disastrous encounter with a drunk Oikawa, Iwa leaves the mansion fuming. Later in the day, it's discovered that Oikawa got in a car crash that took away his memories and since Oikawa apparently lives alone, he has no one to get him. not until Iwa comes ofc and with a malicious and vengeful intent, he tells Oikawa that they're dating and live together in his crappy apartment

“dancer Akaashi” - Akaashi is a dancer, Osamu is a bartender at the bar he works at and has also been in love with Akaashi for the past two years. He doesn't confess since he knows Akaashi doesn't like romance but then enters a bright eyed cheery Bokuto who sweeps the unreachable Midnight Moon off of his feet, bokuaka but im leaning towards bokuosaaka since akaashi deserves two boyfriends

“watch me be poetically horny for Akaashi Keiji” - Akaashi is a vampire and Osamu, a skilled artist. Akaashi posing nude and delighted at how beautifully Osamu portrays him. Osamu says otherwise. 

Cherik College AU - drift by great gable.... late teens cherik... Erik being a misanthropic horny bastard and Charles a snarky piece of shit.... they get paired up for 7 minutes in heaven... turns out Charles has been ogling him for a while now..  hmmmm,,,.,. ( i wrote this when i was drunk and my og draft is too long so take this instead lolz) 

“ BokuAka (NSFW) ” - Bokuto pushing off a guy who tried to hit on Akaashi while they're at a club. Akaashi gets so turned on he immediately drags Bokuto to the bathroom where he gets his facefucked in one of the bathroom stalls or Akaashi getting his face fucked in a dirty alley at the back of a bar after Bokuto gets into a fistfight.

“KuroKen (NSFW)  ” -Kenma does top during sex but but he's just really lazy to put in the effort 

aight that’s it oh damn i just now realize how much i have T-T bruhhhhhhh and this isn’t even all of them damnnn 

[gwens-projects]

Day 19 - Theme Memories

So I’ve been around this fandom for a long time, not as long as some people, but since TPOM was still kicking out episodes. Today I’m going to talk about some of the memories I’ve made through this fandom.

Under a read more because this is going to be long.

I remember first when I was really small getting to watch Madagascar when it first came out. It was very blurry and pixilated because it was on one of those cam copy discs that my dad had brought home. It was fun, I liked it, but didn’t think anything about it really. The same happened with Madagascar 2 a few years later, and then after that I got my first exposure to TPOM when dad had a disc with the When I was a Penguin Zombie ep collection on it. I’m pretty sure I watched that disc on repeat for weeks in the car, I loved it but had no idea there were like actually other eps I could watch anywhere else.

Years after that, somehow I managed to catch the Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole on TV actually in the midst of all the singing, we almost turned the channel but I was amazed that there were more eps than what I had seen before and we watched what was left of the episode.

I’ve never been someone who easily makes friends. I’m very quiet, nervous, and rather weird. 8th grade I made my first decent friends, and then at the end of the school year both transferred away to different schools. I was about...15 maybe? and I was crushed. I had never really noticed how lonely I really was until then, and so I started watching some shows on youtube I remembered I liked but never got to watch every ep of...Kim Possible, Lilo and Stitch, the Smurfs....I was looking for something Smurf related online when I accidentally discovered fanfiction, specifically Smurfs fanfiction that I thought was actually like a canon Smurfs book. This led me to exploring fanfiction a little more and then I accidentally come across some TPOM oneshot (written in Spanish that my computer translated) about Private? It reminded me that oh yeah the penguins was a show I liked as a kid, so I looked it up and started binging those eps. 

Watching those eps, I honestly felt the least alone I had felt all summer. Private was my first comfort character and at the time I found him super relatable. I also started reading a few TPOM fanfics. Season 3 still had episodes coming out and so that was pretty exciting. That August I started writing my first fanfic, A Trixy Situation, and drew my first fanarts. I also consequently made my first OC.

I look back at that first fanfic and the reviews I got and all I can think is “People thought this was good?” But at the same time, if it wasn’t for those kind comments back then, I wouldn’t be the writer I am now. A Trixy Situation wasn’t just my first fanfic, it was the first piece of written fiction I ever wrote and FINISHED. People’s kind comments spurred me to write and for the first time I really felt like I was writing for a purpose AND having fun with it. I was over the moon.

Granted, I did get my first critiquing review a few fics later, and as much as I cried over it...I will admit, it made me a much better writer. I still wish they had phrased it differently though.

Through fanfiction as well I made my first fandom friends. One of which I still keep in contact with even now 7 years later. She became my first best friend that I could truly say was my best friend and I wouldn’t have made her except through this fandom.

When I transferred schools from private to public in 10th grade, TPOM eps and writing TPOM fanfiction got me through it. It was...a rough 3 years of my life. I had 0 offline friends, but I had that one very good online friend who I would sneak chats to through a google doc during lunch and class breaks.

I remember when AHKJ came out and I’d have to stay off of tumblr because tumblr mobile wouldn’t let me tag and block spoilers and GEE WERE THERE SO MANY SPOILERS POSTED. 

January 2016 I gave roleplaying a try and made a slew of Private_Private_Penguin rp accounts across multiple platforms. I made a few connections and associates then, but none really stuck. However, I had a lot of fun rping as Private until the rp community more or less went silent.

Junior and senior year of high school and the first couple years of college, I was too busy and stressed to think of TPOM much. Then I noticed a new up-springing in TPOM rpers again. I watched a few eps and this time around realized that I really, really related to Kowalski now....Far more than I ever related to Private in the past. Granted, in the past I was kind of driven away from Kowalski because the fandom was so...well, let’s just say there were a lot of rapid Kowalski fangirls where it made me nervous to even approach the character. Private didn’t have as many fans so he was calmer to have as a favorite. But modernly, the Kowalski hype had died down and I finally felt at ease finding him as a comfort....I also think the age old “disliking a character until you realize there’s a lot of yourself in that character and that’s why you dislike them” theory applied to that as well...because he and I do have a lot in common, personality wise.

Anyway, through the new round of rping as Kowalski, I made some new fandom friends and through them was exposed to new fandoms and experienced a new love for the series as a whole. I also was introduced to new ship ideas and got new headcanons....And then I got back into writing fanfiction. My friend who rps as Blowhole, they got me into the Franski ship...Our rping was a slow burn enemies to friends to Kowalski muse having a crush on Blowhole. It’s a fun thing to look back at the old rps like “oh Kowalski started liking this ship before I did.”

After I got back into fanfic writing, I made yet another friend who IMed me about my writing and since then I’ve been co-writing with her on her fic. I also discovered a discord group where I ran into several fanguins who I recognized were around the fandom back when eps were coming out as well and I just sort of felt...at home? It’s the best way I can describe it. It was new but familiar all at the same time. Did we all share the same ships and headcanons? Heck no, but with such a vague canon that’s understandable and completely fine. It’s interesting seeing the different ideas and such and the joint enthusiasm we all have for this franchise.

I’ve recently started watching A Little Wild...Admittedly, I’m struggling with it but for its target audience, it would be a great intro into the franchise, honestly.  

I have so many memories from this franchise and its fandom, some bad, but mostly good. And now I just will take this moment to thank both the franchise and the fandom for the memories and comfort its given me through the years. 

[pluviophile-bookworm]

I feel like I need to talk about this...

I’m very open about being aroace. At least here on Tumblr I am. (Outside of Tumblr, I am technically out, but some issues with my mother and grandmother have forced me back into the closet. I felt miserable about that initially, but I’m learning to be fine with it.) But it wasn’t always this way. In fact, I didn’t even know what aroace meant until I was 18. So how was I supposed to know when I got my first ‘celebrity crush’ that those last words do not, in fact, describe very accurately what I was experiencing? I didn’t know I had ADHD, either. I feel like that might have helped me realise some things about my experience. But let me go back a bit and actually tell you what happened and how it happened. [side note: I’ll be starting from a bit earlier than the ‘crush’ thing happened because I feel like it’s important for whoever reads this to understand how my circumstances shaped the experience I had]

Backstory:

I had always been different from my peers, so it was not surprising to anyone that I was bullied in middle school. [side note: Judging from my and my little brother’s combined experience, I feel like bullying is, quite unfortunately, something of a universal experience in middle school - in my day, I was on the receiving end. This last school year, my brother was the bully. Gosh, I wish I could tell my story without many deviations and without crying as I type, but I’ve already thrown both of those intentions out the window.]

So anyway, things got so bad that I was driven to suicidal thoughts. One night I was just lying in bed, thinking about going through with it, but I was like, well, I’ve got a test in the morning. Maybe after that. 13-year-old me had very weird priorities. I kind of still value my work over my mental health, but I’m working on it. So that night, I didn’t do anything. The next day, right before school, I was on the internet and I found out a new show had premiered. And then, as I was watching the pilot episode, that was when it happened. I saw this boy, whom I will not be naming, and I listened to him sing. I felt nothing much at the moment, but I couldn’t get the song out of my mind all day. Up until that moment, I had had a weird attitude towards music where I’d only listen to female singers. My ‘boys have cooties’ phase, I guess you could say. But this one, he was the first one I didn’t mind at all. In fact, I felt like I could listen to his voice 24/7. I’ve had that feeling hundreds of times by now, but I hadn’t before then. So I figured, this must be what a crush means, right? This must be what all my peers are talking about. The next day, I confided in a girl from my class with whom I was kind of friendly (though not actual friends, I’d say). I asked her if she’d seen the show, if she knew this person. She said yes and we kind of gushed about the song together, and I felt normal for a couple of minutes. I never knew the difference between my experience and what is considered ‘normal’ until years later.

For the time being, the thought of this special person was what was keeping me alive. I started having visions of him walking with me through the school hallways or sitting next to me on the bus home from school. I knew perfectly well those visions weren’t real, but they made me feel better. Happy. Safe. Seen. Full disclosure: I still have such visions, I’ve had them with different people through the years as my hyperfixations change. My latest one is what has enabled me to deal with some of my worst phobias (and I have a long list of them). I’ve never told anybody what it is, and I won’t be telling because I feel like if I do tell, the vision will not be strong enough to work against my fears. But I’m getting sidetracked again. Sorry for that.

So, I was pretty much obsessed with this guy. He was all I could think about, he was keeping me alive through what was possibly the toughest time in my life to date. So naturally, thanks to my heteronormative, amatonormative surroundings, I was convinced I had a crush on him. In fact, after this experience had lasted about a year, I was sure I was in love. 

Then things changed. I started high school. I found a couple of friends, and the people in my class in general made me feel like I could finally be myself. Be open about what I thought and how I felt. So by the end of the first semester, all 27 people in my class knew about my feelings for this guy. What I didn’t know was that they didn’t know that it wasn’t exactly like I was describing it. Because I wasn’t aware that a straight/ allo person’s idea of being ‘in love’ was different from mine. I was just putting things in words I thought I understood. 

So it came as a total surprise when some people from my class started teasing me about it. It wasn’t malicious teasing, that much I could tell. I had been bullied mercilessly before. What my new classmates were doing was asking genuine questions in a slightly teasing manner. For example, it would be known that my special person had a girlfriend, and so they’d ask me ‘aren’t you jealous’ or ‘do you wish you were that’, or stuff like that. And those questions felt so weird. So stupid. I thought, wait, why would I be jealous? Why would I feel bad about this person who has made me so happy, being happy himself? Why would I want to date him? That had nothing to do with how I felt. I told my classmates so. They gave me weird looks in response. So I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t doing that ‘in love’ thing right. Suddenly, I felt like my feelings were being intruded upon. Tarnished, somehow. I had always been aware that my visions were anything but real. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And all of a sudden, somebody was suggesting that I should want to date this person. Why would I want to date anyone, I thought? Even if it was him. Dating people was awkward. Making physical contact with anyone outside my immediate family made me shudder. It still does, though I can hug some of my closest friends without any negative feelings. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Back to my first time I questioned my experience. I was about 14 at the time (in Bulgaria, high school starts from grade 8, ages 13-14 or 14-15), and, well, I didn’t do much questioning at the time. I just told myself that they didn’t understand my feelings, and I stopped being so open about the topic. 

My hyperfixation on this person lasted long. Longer than any other I’ve ever had to date. Maybe it was because I clung to it like it was what tethered me to my mortal life. But by my final year of high school, I could feel it fading away. I was forcing myself to think about this person, to conjure up the old visions; the song that had started it all was drained of all meaning that it had held for me. I was moving on to other hyperfixations. I felt like I was betraying myself, like I was breaking some sort of unbreakable vow. It was time to face the music. So I let go. I allowed myself to move on. It was kind of made easier by the fact that my special person had changed, too, and had moved on to projects that I could not enjoy due to some triggering content. And I moved on.

Then I joined Tumblr. I discovered some things. Among them was Hellenic polytheism. It had been a while since I’d found my faith in the Hellenic pantheon, but Tumblr was where I found out I was not alone, that there was an existent religion. And step by step, I realised that... I had been projecting Apollo’s presence onto my special person. And my old connection to that person had started fading away when I had realised I believed in the gods.

This explained a lot of things. But there was still the fact that I had never been able to look at another person the way my peers were looking at each other. I had been asked out two or three times during high school. I had rejected those people without even thinking about it. My best friend at the time was a boy and most teachers seemed to ship us together because, well, let’s be real - we were constantly fighting like an old married couple. It took him getting a girlfriend and seeing how happy I was for the two of them for everyone to realise that things between us were, and had always been, purely platonic. And now I was going to uni and I had never had feelings I was apparently supposed to have. 

It was also thanks to Tumblr that I discovered the extent of the LGBTQ+ community. I considered myself an ally at first, and I was a passionate ally, too. I still am nothing but supportive to my fellow LGBTQ+ people of all identities, but it was not until I was 18 going on 19 that I discovered the term ‘asexual’. I knew quite suddenly that this was the term for me. I knew what I was and how I felt. I felt mature enough to know the difference between ‘I’m not experienced enough to know for sure’ and ‘I’ve just never had those feelings, I don’t even know what they’re supposed to be like’. It took a bit longer to find out there was a difference between sexual and romantic attraction, but by the time I was 19, I had proudly labelled myself ‘aroace’. I still feel at home with this label. I am completely open to the possibility that it might change with time, but this is what feels right at this time. 

Fast-forward another couple of years to about 8 months ago. I had always known that I got really invested into stuff - shows, books, hobbies, people - only for that investment to wear off after a time. The timespans varied, but I realised I had experienced this ever since I was in pre-school at least. I didn’t have a term for it, though. And then, all of a sudden, Tumblr started offering me posts tagged ADHD. I could relate to maybe 95% of them. At one point, it felt like whatever algorithm this hellsite operates on was shoving the ADHD posts in my face, as if screaming ‘DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF, WELL, YOU?!!!’ in my ears. So I did some tests. I did a lot of self-reflection. I went to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed in March. I started educating myself on the terminology and found out that what I was experiencing is called hyperfixating. So here I am now.

Here I am now, reflecting back on my experience from 8 years ago, connecting the dots. Realising what it was that I went through, allowing myself to go through it again, with different things and people. I don’t feel the need to cling to hyperfixations anymore because I know that is what they are and I know I can’t keep them forever. Of course, I do feel bad about stopping caring about something that used to be my light and life for a time. I dread the time I’ll get over my current hyperfixation, but I also know it’s inevitable. My ADHD brain needs the change and it happens naturally. And somehow I’m ok with that.

Well, this is it. This is the story of how Tumblr prompted me to discover aspects of myself that have been there for as long as I can remember. What better place to talk about it than Tumblr itself? What better group of people to understand and accept me than my lovely mutuals and followers? If you’re reading this, thank you. For being here, for listening to me, for allowing me to be who I am. You’ve got no idea how happy this makes me, even though I can barely see what I’m typing through the tears. Thank you. 

[thoughtsdying]

The procces of realising you’re aroace: a tale by me version 2

Realising you’re aroace is suddenly comprehending why your few friends (with one exception) have always turned out to be in the queer community at the end. Like. That fenomenum of “queer radar only you don’t realise it’s there and you end up gravitating together anyway?” yup- It happens too. Only most of the time you think you’re an allied cis-het weirdo who cares too much about something that doesn’t have anything to do with you, and who cares if you feel weird when other people assume you’re hetero (or that you have a orientation at all), you sure aren’t attracked to your same gender either. Nor are any kind of trans.

And then you discover asexuality in your late teens and it feels weirdly near you, but you think you’re trying to make it so you’re special, so you dismiss any ace feels as you being a late bloomer, and only take care of including it in discussions about queer issues, and then you feel strangely hurt when a professor dismisses it as “some self descriptor weird lonely japanese men in their 40′s created who only care for 2D” which. You don’t have to tell me all the problems in that sentence. Believe me, I know. And you can’t come with arguments except well if people feel like using it, then we should respect it, bc you don’t have the words to explain asexuality except that internet in english told you it was a thing and you still don’t know except in a nebulous way what even is aromanticism, so you didn’t bring that up in the discussion at all.

And a pair of years after that you start using demisexual bc it feels less scary and very reasonable except you’ve never felt attracted to anyone, how do you even tell it? And relationships scare you, and you still don’t have any idea of what is aromanticism except it scares you and you don’t want to contemplate a life being aro. You love romances after all

(except when you have to look the other way in any kind of profound kiss, bc it’s private people, which makes you feel wiedly homophobic when you’re watching a lgbtq+ media or your best friend with her girlfriend even if it’s the same with hetero, except then it’s just that sex is weird in film and kisses with tongue are still private people!)

and obviously you still don’t want to have sex with a girl (Except perhaps those emotional dreams of touching with a friend that aren’t sex but almlost and are very comfortable anyways it could be nice you’re sure but nice isn’t desire is it?) so even although guys make you nervous and any thought of doing anything romantic-sexual with one is a “yikes” you suppose you find some really pretty in a different way you do with woman and that must be ~attraction~.

And a friend tells you that a guy tried to sound her to see if he could date you and she told him you were ace and uninterested in any kind of relationship, and you go “why?” confused and a bit elated bc holy shit what a relief you won’t have to confront him, but also a bit of panic (that’s how i come across? it isn’t my imagination, im so obvious oh no) and she tells you, “well you are almost one and you don’t have any intention of dating anybody right now so i thought it best to cut any feels on his part right now”. And it gives you things to think about.

And another two years pass except this time you’ve started to educate yourself on aromanticism bc too many relatable posts on tumblr looking into the ace tag made you “holy shit yeah this makes more sense than just asexuality” but also you keep loving romance stories except now you’ve started to recognize you’re starved of friendship in all the ambits of your live and you’re also a young adult who still doesn’t want a relationship, what do i do? And maybe you’re not demi, you’re ace and you can think sex sounds a nice activity to do with intimate friends (aro aro aro) but not something you’re into, and you’re still ace, you’re not attracted to anybody not really. What a relief. (you still can’t try on the aro umbrella)

And you question yourself bc a fantastic guy has become your friend, and your minds vibe inmensely well, and you talk during quearentine, but he gives you some weird vibes sometimes, and makes you gifts which you ignore bc holy shit a best friend! And he has money and he’s lonely! I would also give gifts to my besties if I had money! And then he confesses to you on wassap, and you realise he has put you on a pedestal and has cofessed but already said himself he doesn’t want a relationship with you bc he would corrupt you or something and anyway, he’s not really in love with you he’s using you as a mental crutch to try to not be depressed, he knows that noe but he hates psycologists. Also, can i have some time apart from you?

So you tell him you feel flattered but that you see him as only a friend, and please can you not put yourself so below me? Search professional help. I’ll stay away as long as you need.

And you start feeling uneasy, but you think it’s only that he’s a weirdo and really you’ve dodged a bullet of course you wouldn’t want to go out with him, he’s not really the kind of pretty you like. Except if you’re ace what does it matter? Isn’t it that you feel pretty repulsed by trying a romantic relationship? Or are you just justifying your own aloofness and personality problems that make impossibly difficult to try a romance anyway. People don’t control who they feel romantic feels for anyway.

Except in the following months when you’ve finally reaturned to be friends you’re so relieved to not have that shadow above you and really wouldn’t it be amazing if everybody knew you didn’t want anything to do with them romantically? To be free to be friends and hug them, and walk arm in arm or go to lunch and cinema and still be just friends? To plan your future in a line along with those friends but not be really a committement as much as you just want to enjoy talking face to face with them for a bit longer.

So you go back to read about aromanticism and maybe you cry a little but mostly you’re pretty happy and scared about it. And you tell that friend, bc he’s your bestie right now and you feel him being bi and also being interested in you in the past would make him more likely to react well. It’s not personal it’s just the way I am. And then you start crying in the middle of a starbucks for 15 min. and you didn’t now you feel so much so intensely about being aroace, and how it had impacted you without knowing and how much you hate those expectations. And he hugs you and tells you “nobody has the right to tell you how to live. if you feel like you’re never gonna be in a relationship that’s your business and you’ll be happy anyway” and you cry harder. And then you both have a sincere conversation about sex as he has experimented it and how you feel it pretty strange and weird, but maybe you’d like to try it sometime. Just not a time near now. And if it’s never that’s pretty okey with you too.

So you go home feeling a bit embarrased but also pretty elated except a week later there’s another wassap message from him, saying he feels he still loves you, and that he understands intelectually your nearness with him is friendly but still feels romantic and it confuses me and it pains me and i would prefer to not be your friend anymore, sorry, men are shit and me the worst of them.

“Ok” I write back. I’m furious and hurt and I don’t want to see his liar face anymore. So fuck you, I think. “Thanks for telling me” And I block his number and I don’t talk to him when we met with out mutual friends, and when it’s necessary I talk as if he were a stranger. Kindly but impersonal. Isn’t that what you wanted? To lost a friend? So you’ve lost me forever.

And it became clear to me that I don’t think I’ll ever understand the stupidity of not wanting to see someone just because their lives don’t revolve around you the way you like, even though you’re friends and you can talk to them about anything at all anyway, and be there for help with the shitty parts of life. There are things I’ll never felt or do for another. 

And I’m ok with that.

[carryonmywaywardwriters]

One Day At A Time - Jensen x Reader

A/N: Part Four! If you’d like to be tagged, please sent an ask or message. As always, feedback is incredible. And, I hope you all enjoy <3

PSA: I am NOT a minor friendly blog. If you are below 18, please come back when you’re older. I don’t want to lose my blog because you were too eager to grow up. If I discover you, I WILL block.

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Widower!Jensen. Unrequited feelings. Online personality problems. Guilt. Nothing too wild, yet!

Word Count: Roughly 3,500

“Y/N,” Arrow's pinched up little face made you turn her way as you blinked awake. It took you a moment to understand what was happening. Her almost too dark to be blonde hair was mused from her night of unrest. “I got you a present.”

“Arrow, it's....” A look towards the clock made you groan, “It's four am.”

“I couldn't wait.” Five years old and afraid of almost nothing, she'd braved the dark night to make it across the patio in the back that led to your space. You sat up, yawning. Rubbing over your cramped neck. Sleep hadn't come easily to you, either.

In the end, you'd found yourself scrolling through Tumblr. Something every member of the cast had advised you not to do. But, the curiosity ate at you until you'd given into the urge. Only to end up feeling worse about where you stood.

There'd been so many posts calling out what you were afraid of. Hours had been wasted searching over every response and like. Seeing just how many people believed the worst in you. The impulse stalking of the fandom left you exhausted.

“What is it?” Your lips smacked as you pulled the blanket away to sit up. Moving back to the moment you were stuck in. The pajamas you were wearing had been a Christmas gift 'from' J.J the year before. Mint green elephant covered shorts and a cami.  It was perfect for combating the warm air that would hit as soon as you stepped outside.

“I made it at school,” She stated gleefully, lifting the little clay figure the art program she had asked to be involved with over the summer had allowed her to make. A tiny, uneven flower stared back at you. Haphazardly painted a deep purple. Making your heart flutter from such a simple action. God, I love this kid. “Do you like it?” The nerves were clear in her voice as she watched you look over it.

“Are you kidding? It's great,” The grin that tugged at your lips made her smile brightly. “Totally worth the wake up call.” You moved to give it a place of honor along the shelf that held little mementos all of the kids passed your way. As you walked back to the bed, she pulled your blanket over her. Snuggling in with a yawn. Your bed being invaded happened more than most would have expected. There was no point in resisting it. When you were fully wrapped in your blanket, she curled into your side. Listening to the sound of your heartbeat. “Thank you, sweetheart.” The small kiss to her forehead left her glowing so happily as her eyes closed that you wanted to cry. What you wouldn't give to have a child like her of your own.

That's how Jensen found you two later that morning. His lips pressed up at the soft snore that left his daughter's throat as you breathed gently below her. Your hand rested over her back as she held onto you. Preventing her from rolling in her sleep. A habit that typically led to kicking if you weren't careful.

He hadn't entered the side home you had taken up since you'd moved in. It had been an unspoken rule, allowing you to have some sort of privacy. Even if his kids broke it on a regular basis, he'd resisted. Until that morning, anyway.

It only carried three small rooms. A kitchen that extended to a living room, a bathroom, and the bedroom. He told himself to just check on you. But, instead, he'd found himself taking in the small pieces that told of the person residing inside of the home.

You'd added your own little touch to the place. Pictures of your life from before he'd known you and others with the kids, the Padaleckis, and other members of the cast you'd come to care for dotted around the walls and tables. Drawings covered your fridge from the littles. A bookshelf carried an array of topics. Everything from romance to biology. Letting him peak a little more closely into the woman who was so entwined with his life. You were smarter than even he'd given you credit for looking over the array. There was a tank resting in the corner. A large frog  had stared back at him when he'd peered in before thrashing away. The last thing he'd expected to see. Somehow, he imagined his kids to have been involved in that one.

His lips curled up further as he snapped a picture on his phone of the scene in the bedroom. Telling himself that it would be for you. A sweet little memory you wouldn't want to forget. As he tucked the device back into his pocket and prepared to walk away, Arrow spotted him. “Daddy?”

Her sitting up made your eyes blink open. Slowly, you came into focus. The sight of Jensen standing sheepishly at the foot of your bed had you jerking up and looking at the clock. With a muttered expletive, you threw yourself off the mattress. Reaching for the short silk robe that had been tossed over a cushioned bench the night before.

“I'm sorry,” You bleated out, tying the knot around your waist sloppily. Fully preparing to bolt and fix breakfast.

“It's fine,” He waved it off. Not bothered in the slightest. Relaxing some once he realized no one was shrieking at his intrusion. “Food's already done if ya want some.” His thick hands slid into his jean short pockets. The stretch of the green muscle top across his chest made you suck in a deep breath before forcing your eyes upwards. Only to zero in on that deep, pine gaze. “Just wanted to make sure you two were alright.” You wet your lips before jolting back to reality. Sending Arrow on her way to get some food. She went easily. But, her dad lingered behind, “Slumber party?”

“She had a present,” You answered, reaching towards your dresser to grab your clothes for the day. As if that explained it all. At his waiting look, you sighed. Continuing the story. “She couldn't sleep. Too excited to give it to me, I guess. So, she broke in at four am.” He winced, opening his mouth to apologize, you were sure. You didn't give him the chance. “It was sweet, Jay. No biggie. I gave it its own little spot to shine.” A point towards the shelf you'd left it on had him moving forward.

It was different, somehow. Being alone with him in his home was safe. Familiar. In your room? It made the air squish out of your lungs. The closer he got, the harder it was to breathe.

When he finally stopped, he was near enough that you could practically feel the heat emitting off of him. The nerves you carried grew stronger as he took in each item that had been gifted to you. Taking the time to explore every one you'd held onto over the two years you'd been receiving them.

“They really love you,” He murmured without looking up. His lips curling at what was supposed to be a version of Garfield. Zeppelin had offered that one to you the year before after you'd read the comic to him that had been in the paper.

“I...I guess so.” You swallowed tightly, needing to escape the intimacy of the moment. Getting back to business was the right course of action. Would give you the chance to escape. “I'm just gonna hit the shower and then I'll get started-”

“Take the day off,” The order took you aback. He didn't give you time to recoup.“Grab some food and get out for a bit. I'm gonna take the kids over to the zoo in Dallas. Let them blow some stink off.”

“That's a three hour drive...one way.” Your brow quirked as you thought about all the horrors that could come from that one. Recouping faster than he'd expected. “You're a brave man, Jensen.” But, you didn't fight him. He had that hard look in his eye. As if daring you to argue. You liked your position to much to chance it. Instead, you moved a step back. “You guys coming straight home?” Telling yourself that you were only thinking about dinner got you nowhere. Instead, the lingering doubts danced in your mind.

“I, uh...I dunno, yet. I was plannin' on staying out. Depends on what they want to do, really,” He rubbed at the back of his neck; looking at the lost expression you held. Feeling his own guilt creeping in. “Probably should pack up some bags, huh?” He told himself you'd appreciate it in the end. Contrary to what you'd said? Everyone needed some alone time. And the scene he'd stumbled on told him that you weren't even getting nights to yourself.

“Just in case,” You agreed, holding the clothes you carried to your chest. Clutching them as if they'd carry you to safety. “Give me ten, and I'll help round them up.” He opened his mouth to protest, but you continued. “It's nothing major, Jay...It'll get you on the road faster. So they have time to goof off at the zoo.” Not because you needed to be needed. That's what you told yourself, anyway. “Is Cliff going?” The nod made you relax some. No harm could befall them with their guardian angel at their side. “Alright. Good. That settles it, then.” With that, you turned away. Padding barefoot towards the shower.

Not even halfway to the animal park, Jensen found himself regretful. Whether it was because he'd left you behind or because he hadn't left you behind sooner, he wasn't quite sure. Maybe it's a bit of both. As your name left Justice Jay's lips for the fifth time in under a minute, he definitely settled in at the that last option. It was definitely the first one.

The kids were excited, of course. That alone made it worth it. Rescued exotic animals filled the small trail zoo that Austin carried. It had captivated them for the longest time. The Dallas one was bigger, though. Had more attractions.

Most importantly? It was something different. New. Jensen wasn't a huge fan of change, himself. But, it was something he needed to get used to. A zoo trip was nothing more than dipping his toes into the ocean. Yet, it was a start.

The only problem? It just didn't seem to be quite the same without your presence. And that was the heart of the matter. Even Jensen had to acknowledge that point. He'd called it right when he'd said you were part of the family.

“Why didn't Y/N come? Is she sick?”

“Can we facetime Y/N? I want to show her the elephant! It matches her pajamas!”

“Dad! We gotta get Y/N this necklace! Or.... Oh! This! She'll love this scorpion!”

Cliff was amused by the antics. Watching the way his friend tried to change the subject a bit so that they could enjoy the moment without the lack of you leaving a shadow. It worked for a short time, and then the name would come forth again.

Eventually, they accepted you weren't there. The questions were dropped. Instead, it appeared in an after thought. Such as your favorite animal. The smell of a food you loved. How much you'd love to play with them in the misting fans.

Jensen allowed it. Knowing that you were too big of a part in their lives to brush off. Instead, he found himself joining in. Noting that you would have been enthusiastically pointing the camera around, ensuring that the memories hadn't been forgotten. It was enough for the kids to agree; wrapping their arms around him and each other for images that you'd see later. They'd ensure it.

It didn't take long for him to realize that he was going back home that night. An overnight trip like he'd begun to plan wasn't fair to the kids. They wanted their home. Wanted you.

After dinner, he was back on the road. The fun had worn them out. All three of the young ones were out once their stomachs were full and the car was on the move.

“So...” Cliff started once the silence commenced, turning towards the man he called a friend.

His presence had kept what bit of attention Jensen had garnered down. Had helped ensure that the kids were all collected. Just as planned. Hell, he'd actually enjoyed the time out. The household was part of his family. Which is why he had no problem getting nosy.

“She needed a day off.” Ackles knew exactly where that one was going. After all, everyone else had asked him repeatedly. “What?” The knowing expression lining his bodyguard's face made his brow rise.

“Today is the first day I haven't seen her around one of your kids in the last two years.” He began tentatively. Treading with care. “Was she sick?”

“No.” The answer was hesitant. “No, I just...I thought she could use some time to herself.” The hum said that the response wasn't quite believed. Silence stretched between the men as headlights danced over them on the expressway. “Okay, fine... truth? I wanted some space with the kids.” He felt the familiar eyes gazing over him curiously as he steered the car. “She's...I dunno. Just there. Always. And...” How did someone put the feelings into words?

When you were there, it was just...different. He needed time with the kids to focus on what was coming. Where he would go in the future. On all those little things he'd finally be able to do. Even just taking the kids to the zoo, and giving you some much needed self care time was a step in the right direction. It was something he hadn't been able to do in ages. Gave you a chance to figure out what you'd do with your life as his family's changed majorly.

“Jay...” Cliff began slowly, unsure of just how well what he was going to ask was going to go over. “Are.. are you starting to...to look at other women, again?”

A heavy swallow filled the air, “It's only been two years. Don't be ridiculous. Dee...she was my heart. That wasn't what this is about.”

But, he couldn't deny it to himself. Not really. There'd been too many dreams of soft skin, small moans, and the old push and pull that he'd been lacking in his life for far too long. Jensen simply promised himself that he'd live without it. Danneel deserved that much from him. That never ending loyalty he'd promised her had to hold out.

“So, what is it?” There was no judgment. Simply curiosity. It made all the difference. With a huff, he slowly started to explain it all. Hoping maybe Cliff could offer some kind of advice that'd make everything start to make sense again.

–

“The world's not perfect, but it's not that bad.” The song by Alec Benjamin played throughout the bathroom you'd taken over. You sang along softly. Mindlessly letting the hot water and bubbles keep you relaxed. “If we got each other, and that's all we have? I will be your lover, and I'll hold your hand. You should know, I'll be there for you. When the world's not perfect. When the world's not kind. If we have each other, then we'll both be fine.”

Your mind moved to what the direction Jensen had sent it as you stared out at the lake. Watching the lights from a boat trail over the smooth water without really seeing it. You weren't hung up on your ex. No, it was the set of emerald eyes that had stolen your breath just that morning. A sigh left you as you sank down further into the bath. The sweet song twisted inside your chest.

Guilt swarmed you as you faced the feelings you were harboring. Danneel had been your friend. She'd given you a place in her home. And how did you repay her? By making googly eyes at her husband when he wasn't looking.

Every negative comment ran through your mind, again. Each one you felt to be deserved. That was the hardest part. It was all things you'd already thought yourself at some point or another. Only made more real by the strangers who typed it.

Maybe he's right...maybe I need more time away. The thought tangled your gut painfully, that time. Suddenly feeling more real at the day alone. But what choice did you have in the end?

Jensen had said he didn't want you to go, yet you couldn't quite buy into that. Not completely. He was going to have more time once the show ended. You weren't going to be nearly as needed. That's what the day had been about, in your eyes. It only made sense to start moving in that direction. If only it was as easy for you as it sounded.

When the car pulled into the driveway, Oscar's bark pulled you from the hole you were in. A peek to the security system that linked to your phone let you know who it was just before the suddenly too awake J.J shouted your name. The Ackles brood had returned home.

You barely had enough time to drain the tub and don your pajamas in the master bathroom before tiny fists knocked at the door. The noise and lights had alerted them to your presence. Telling you to meet them downstairs.

Oscar was bouncing on his front paws as you stepped into the sunken living room where the sudden chaos was ensuing. Shaking the grown out top knot on his forehead as he pounced the air. Icarus simply raised his gaze off of one of his many beds; taking in the scene around him before he huffed. Curling back into the plushness he was wrapped up in.

“Y/N! There was an elephant!”

“Dad ate so much and gassed up everything in the car!”

“Cliff took lots of pictures, so you could see!”

“I got you a scorpion!”

“Arrow is super tired, but she got you a hat!”

Zep and Justice ran over each other to get in every detail of the day as Jensen walked in the front door, carrying the still sleeping Arrow against his chest. Your nod his way told him to go ahead, you had the other two. Carefully, you got them to start speaking one by one.

You had to look through the pictures on the camera the father of the the kids had taken with him. It was necessary 'ooh' and 'ahh' everything thrust your way before they gave in to the urge to go back to sleep. Jensen had to chase them away to get them in bed while you piled up the spoilings for the day so it could be better managed in the morning.

“I thought you guys were staying overnight,” Your hip leaned against the door frame that would lead you out to the yard. Stopping only because you'd heard the tired sigh.

“Kids wanted to come home.” He didn't say why. Didn't have to. The way they'd flocked you had said it all. “What'd you do today?”

“I...I just...I went out.” His head tilted as if expecting more. Curious to see what happened when you were given a life. The truth of it? You'd simply gone to the Barton Creek Greenbelt and hunted down your favorite waterfall. But, that wouldn't have been what he'd wanted to hear. “There's, uh, some gas-x in that cupboard over there if you need it.”

Jensen's cheeks flushed as he realized his kids had spared nothing, “Uh...yeah...they were...they were exaggerating.” At the way your lips pulled tight to hold back the smile, he dipped his head. Rubbing the back of his neck. “Do you want a drink? I suddenly need one.”

“No,” The answer came quick enough that his eyes held obvious confusion. “No...no, thank you.” You cleared your throat, carrying the dirty clothes you'd worn earlier to your chest. “I'm just...I'm gonna go. Get some rest, Mr. Ackles. You look tired.” And with that, you were out the back door. Running to safety.

“Mr...Ackles?” Jensen watched as you disappeared into the darkness. Frowning as he lost sight of you near the house. “What the hell?”

Part Five

ODAAT: @winchester-ofthe-lord​​​ @smoothdogsgirl​​ @ima-be-a-mongoose​​ @briagallen​​ @agusdoti​ @my-proof-is-you​

Dean/Jensen: @akshi8278​​​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​​​

Forever: @dean-winchesters-bacon​ @supernaturalginger​ @lilulo-12​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​ @michaelneedssomemilk​ @lemondropirwin​​ @fanfictionismydeath​​