#anyways yeah bpd anxiety. really fun

[brittlebonesstanley]

smiles. oh we're really paranoid tonight

[peachfruitcake]

Sorry for the inactivity lately, I’ll start updating with my art again soon!!!

Life update which might get a tad tmi and detail-heavy and ranty, but it’s under the cut for those interested! Just glad to have been able to overcome what I did.

November and December’s been super hectic due to me repeatedly ending up sick at home and ending up in the ER til 2 am on Thanksgiving Day lol

And then after that mess I had to spend all of December working 6 days a week to make up for the lost wages to afford rent due to my managers being morons and telling me I had 3 days worth of sick days out of the almost 2 weeks I was forced to stay home bedridden (I found out that that wasn’t true when it was already too late).

And that was Not fun considering it’s me being a cashier at a popular as fuck Asian supermarket. None of the days of medical leave even felt like breaks or time to recharge given how the managers were via text. Also being too sick to move while living independently is hell. Especially when you’re running out of food and need to walk to the store. You really take for granted your parents bringing soup up to your room when you’re in bed sick.

Worked Christmas Eve and day without any prev days off (Christmas Day was the 6th day I had to work in a row) aaand my disability’s been out of wack and it’s been pretty difficult to manage myself and keep myself taken care of. I got audhd and bpd so the worst possible symptoms of both of those kept getting triggered every single fucking day omggg. Landlords were also giving me annoying stupid crap through that so it felt like I was never able to rest (the problem was me not having my boundaries respected and constantly having them breathing down my neck and snooping in my space and constantly knocking on my door for things. Yk how older Asians get. It’s better now, thankfully).

So um yeah after another fuckload of shit happening on the 28th, I had a mental breakdown and rage quit the job!! Without any plan!! Whoops!! Obviously this was an insanely stupid impulsive choice to make, but it was at the point to where I didn’t give a fuck anymore about how I ended up at this point and just wanted to destroy everything 😅😅

So yeah I went into the new years panicking with just around $200 in my bank acc, and $1350 worth of rent to come up with by the 27th of the month to chronically worry about, so I immediately got to work on mass applying to jobs in the area and finding whatever resources were available for me since my parents r too broke to help usually and I don’t see any remaining family as an option since um. My parents probably owe most of them hundreds of dollars lmao!! Hooray for financial irresponsibility!! (I didn’t bother to tell either of them that I quit my job cuz I knew I’d get a doomer brained shouting earful about how I’m ‘guaranteed to miss rent’ and how they ‘can’t help me so I better not ask’. I didn’t need any of that kind of discouragement from anyone.)

Anyways, it’s halfway through the month, and by my own luck and drive I managed to gain myself more than enough to not have to worry about missing a rent payment. I’ve never once missed rent and I’d rather die than experience what that would be like. I already had to experience it when I first moved here due to my mom lying to me about having the first month of rent covered on time to give me time to find a job and it was 2 days of endless hell and soul sucking anxiety.

So yeah I’m in a load of online classes so I can finally finish up the rest of my degree before transferring, I’m financially stable now, I’m not as suicidal anymore and I’m being verbally abused or bullied in a work environment left and right anymore (and I’m rightfully avoiding my parents so I don’t have to deal with the same from either of them), I’m better fed with that post homelessness eating disorder mostly done, I’m in the process of getting psych help with my bpd and yeah I’m slowly getting on top of things again!! I’d say I’m doing pretty good right now! I’m even able to put more time into developing my art skills further and learn and study new topics every day to keep my brain engaged.

Oh, and also, these past few days I thoroughly studied my state’s labor law and drafted a fully cited multiparagraph email complete with screenshot/photo proof to my state’s department of labor over glaring labor code violations at my prev job, so let’s see how that goes. I plan to give them a call soon to make sure I get a case agent assigned to me after a brief check with an attorney. It was a pretty intimidating process since I’ve never dealt with anything law-related, so I’m pretty proud of myself for actually doing something. Also I just really needed the money they owed me.

It kinda blows my mind at how independent and self-driven I’ve become, and I remember being 16 and believing for the longest time that I may not leave my parents’ house til I’m past 30 or ever be able to experience independent living. But here I am! Sure it took 2 traumatic years of being homeless due to my parents losing every house we tried moving into and them going like ‘yea ur on ur own LMAO’, but I feel freer than I ever have. I’ve even figured out a load of government stuff and how the more technical government stuff and programs work since unfortunately I didn’t know shit before.

It kinda sucks sometimes that I don’t have any older adult figures to go to for help or advice on certain things (and every time I’d ask around family all I’d get are shrugs and cluelessness), but at the same time I’m proud of how knowledgeable I’ve managed to become on many different important things. People I know even come to me for advice on policy-related stuff (yk like with gov programs, law, and work etc), and I won’t lie it feels pretty great.

But yep! That’s that. Got a bit ranty and heavy with detail up there, so hope that’s fine. My current plans right now is to finish up college, manage my finances the best I can, develop healthier habits and cope better with my adhdtism/bpd and sleep patterns, study a language further to reach conversational fluency at least, get more involved in irl communities, build more onto my resume and to develop my art skills way more. I’m looking forward for what’s to come!!

[everythingwasnormalhere]

Stan Marsh headcanons?

first i love my main au stan because he's so !! and because he goes thru lots of changes as he grows up,,

Tw for alcoholism, depression, s/h, attempted sewerslide, hospitalization...its stan what did you expect

Most popular stan hc ever: he's an alcoholic. But like,,, till he's like, 12-13, he only drinks in the mornings so it helps him get through the day, like antidepressants but bad 💀

When he's 12-13 some people his age start drinking for fun, and so he sees it's socially ok so he starts doing it too

Yeah everything is way less shitty in the moment, but when he's sober it's even worse than before. Oops

Well anyway his friends don't really notice he's doing this, sure they're kinda concerned when they hang out and he's getting drunk, but yk,, typical Stan it's not that bad

This is an obvious one but he's depressed asf

And btw. All sp kids have gotten something misdiagnosed in their lives, like this is canon the medical system in that town sucks

So Stan has anxiety, but it was misdiagnosed as asthma (haha not me projecting)

He didn't get it diagnosed right until he was in his teens

But he doesn't have it anymore

He also has insomnia and BPD

The amount of times he's split on Kyle is insane

Anyway about his depression !!

It remained undiagnosed for a Long while

It got better and worse and better and worse and yeah you get it

On the worst episodes he would spend weeks not getting out of bed

At the beginning he'd say he's sick but at some point he gave up and stopped with excuses

His friends (Kyle mostly) would check on him but he wouldn't really talk to them much (on another episode of: stan giving up on life!)

Also he would spend time with the goth kids sometimes, mainly when he was at the worst points

The goths were kinda pissed he would leave them every time he felt better, but Stan's kinda their adopted kid lmao they have a soft spot for him<3

Welp anyway he starts s/h-ing at 11-12

At first it's not really noticeable but soon it gets worse

He covers it with wristbands but eventually the wristbands don't cover it all

And so, after his parents find out, at 13 he goes to the psych ward for the 1st time

It's only for a couple weeks, but it gets him to get so much worse

Nobody at school knows what he was doing for those weeks, besides Kyle because Stan went to him first thing after he got let out

Kyle is Worried. btw.

He gets hospitalized 2 more times after that

Once at 15 after he attempts

And another at 16, after a huge ass breakdown in which he asked his parents to take him there because he was scared of what he'd do otherwise

People in town only know about the one of when he was 15 (it was big news)

Besides Kyle and Kenny, Kyle because Stan tells him every time and Kenny because,,,he's Kenny he just Knows

After the 2nd hospitalization, he starts taking actual antidepressants

They don't do That Much but they still work better than nothing

Short after the 3rd time he goes to the psych ward, he finally manages to stop s/h

And slowly he stops covering his scars, as they're a reminder of how he's healing :)

Since he's 14, he starts bleaching his hair every few months

Now it's closer to straw than to hair but whatever issok

It's also incredibly greasy, so much it's insane

When it's really really bad he wears a dark blue beanie with some pins of obscure bands and some his friends gave him

His clothes are mostly black, and the ones that aren't are still alt

He wears eyeshadow all the time

And his parents don't allow him to get tattoos so he and his friends draw on himself instead

He's still in Crimson Dawn, he's the main singer and guitarist :)

His guitar is red and he takes so much care of it

The same can't be said about its case, that thing's fucked up

He's also the one who writes most songs, it's become kind of a coping mechanism for him<3

They're not famous, but they're not completely unknown either - they've played in some cities besides South Park, and they have a bunch of listeners on Spotify

They're the kind of band that almost nobody knows but the ones who do are the most loyal fans ever

"wHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW CD??? You gotta listen to them Right Now"

By the way Stan is late to every practice

The days when he's not arrived at least 10 minutes late are almost non-existent

Same for school

At school his worst subject is definitely math

(He probably has dyscalculia but he doesn't have it diagnosed)

He likes music best obviously

He's also pretty good at history and English

Btw he has a musicals phase for a year or two

His favorites are the historical ones, like Hamilton and Les Miserables

His family life isn't the best

He stays at Tedrigri farms on weekends, the rest of the time he spends it at his mother's

Shelly's kinda physically abusive still, but not as much as when they were kids

Btw he fucking hates staying at Tedigri so most nights he cycles to Kyle's or Kenny's instead

Fun fact he has a scar on his side from when he was 13

The m4 were jumping a fence to get to this one abandoned house (Butters was grounded)

And when it was Stan's turn he got cut with the fence and fell

That scar is huge and he's super insecure about it

Another fun fact he plays Brawl Stars

His favorite brawlers are Brock and Kit

And in general also the ones with attacks like Shelly's and Bull's

He's bisexual :) and ultimately broke up with Wendy when he was 16

(one of the things that triggered that huge breakdown btw)

He also had so many gender crisis, finally he decided he's just non-binary (he/him) because everything else was way too confusing

Aaaand i think that's it? Tell me what you think :D

[sometimesiammybpd]

i wanted to write a post to talk more about myself without the bpd. it is a lot of me and for most of the time, it's the only thing i can see about myself. but i'm not just my bpd and i want y'all to be able to get to know me for all of who i am.

like in the first post, my name is hayley and i am a 21 y/o transfem girl (MTF). i have diagnosed bpd and adhd. obviously depression and anxiety too, but it's like the sides to an entree imo. of course they're there. before i write anything else though, i want to make something clear. this is not a minor DNI page because bpd is very much not exclusive to adults. however, it does not mean i will strike up conversations or whatever with minors. i very much want my posts to be able to be there for anyone who may need it, regardless of age. but i am 21 and have had insanely negative experiences when i was a teenager regarding people who were adults, so yeah. distance.

anyways, i spend most of my days working but i do have a couple special interests i will end up talking about a lot. the first one is making music. i've been doing so since i was thirteen, if not younger. i love making it and writing lyrics and just all of the process. my end goal (for now) is to make either an ep or a full blown album where i can finally show off my lyricism and singing abilities. i am NOT like the next patrick stump or anything but i have an okay voice for singing (talking is a different story entirely).

i also love making guitar hero charts. i am actually working on a project that i've had an idea for for ages. i call it "guitar hero: fall out boy" as if they made a spinoff game under the band's name. it's basically just a bunch of custom FOB charts but i'm having a lot of fun so far.

i am a big fan of shows like gravity falls, house m.d., nurse jackie, and monk. i am an absolute sucker for the sherlock homes type of show. i've never seen sherlock though, so there's also that. as for movies, the social network and steve jobs (2015) are ones that come to mind. the chucky series of films too.

uhhh, i don't really have much more to say here but that's some things about me. you'll learn more obviously as i post lol. to be fair with everyone, i don't even really know who i am as a person so putting it into words isn't easy. but yeah :3

ALSO here's my carrd link so you can know more abt me!

[candyn-gutz]

yeh every system is different in its own ways :3 and can get Extra Sillay depending on if its just DID (like i have) or stuff like... OSDID? i think is the term??? bc some people who have that can have systems in the hundreds+. i've got like. 12. counting me. its fun. o also i think people w/ larger systems can also have subsystems? which is like. an alter ALSO being a system. its wild. idk if its actually just limited to people w/ larger systems tbh but like. some of us share mental illnesses nd stuff but i'm the only one who's like. a system. sonana just has bpd. requiem's got so much adhd im pretty sure he vibrates on a frequency that could shatter glass. mugi has anxiety and has become a workaholic due to it (bestie take a nap)

plus systems can be made up of different things :3 in my case we're like. pretty much 100% fictives. but ! some people have like. original little guys. or Other People They Know irl its wild. systems are neat.

also like. some alters have roles some just kinda fuck around some just dunno wtf is going on but are having fun anyway (cough requiem cough) so :3 even the makeup of a system will be different !! and u can meet alters of the same character that are entirely different bc they're all just. Individual People :3 its neat !!

but ! yeah :3 each system is its own individual lil sillyism !

nodnod i really appreciate learning more about it in general tbh so thank u!!

[cardiac-arresting-sweetheart]

i'm interested in the book you're writing... tell me more :3

-🎱

eeehehhe i'm happy to share :3 !!!!!,,, i'm glad u asked,, umm okay so .

tw SH, talk of Bad mental health, dark topics, r4pe is mentioned, uhh bigotry

i dunno if i've posted about him before but the main character is named soren harlow (god i'm gonna have to delete this post at some point because i'm sharing a lot of Information here) he's a trans boy with like... these are my guesses: (c-)ptsd, maybe DID or OSDD, panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder, somewhere on the schizophrenia spectrum, bipolar i, bpd, narcissistic traits, and an eating disorder . he's... quite mentally Unwell lol (just like me real ^_^) and literally the story starts with him Cutting Himself. (interesting hook, azrael...) and then it's... him going to a grocery store and losing his shit . . . !

Anyway. i haven't planned super far ahead though i have a vague vision for the ending; i'm still working on outlining everything. but i know there will be possession and there may already have been possession ... :) . and i have the main like... harmful spirit character planned out in my head already. very excited to introduce em... but it'll be later in the story.

and the other characters um!! they're named florencia and andrew, they're kind of... major assholes at the start of the story, like andrew immediately misgenders soren in a weird like nice guy way HAHAHAHA... it's so bad, i hate both of them at the start, but they'll have development. Oh and florencia calls soren Slurs BYE um. florencia's definitely worse than andrew, andrew's just kinda.... stupid... and ignorant. but they're all depressed as hell. my goal with those two is to make their dynamic so ridiculous that they become tolerable for the comedy relief factor... i hope i can pull it off.

ALSO FLORENCIA IS GENDERFLUID which... is really funny to me, considering she CALLS SOREN SLURS AT THEIR FIRST INTRODUCTION AND HAS A LOT OF .. EXTERNALIZED .. TRANSPHOBIA .. yeah.

i will fix them (through a lot of hard work) i swear. they have to suffer a lot though ^_^ but poor soren (he is doomed by the narrative) . ..

i hope that makes... any sense. ^^; it's fun to talk about yayy

whew that took like ~10 minutes to write my response,,, oops

[bpdnezu]

hello,, my online nickname is nezu! i am 19 and i use she/her. ive been albeit quietly on jiraiblr since 2023. i've never made a jiraiblr blog until just now tho so.. yeah •w•

more abt me: im black and puerto rican, im a lesbian, i have bpd, social anxiety, ptsd, adhd, depression, and also i might be autistic. no im not self dx'ing through my tiktok university degree, i've had symptoms my whole life + my mom is autistic. anyway i have no irl aspirations other than something that doesn't affect my "real" life at all! 😍

as for my hobbies i like drawing, video games, figure/merch collecting, anime, manga, watching movies, and writing. also im a himejoshi.

as you can see, there isnt much to me. im not very interesting and im awful to be around as ive come to learn throughout my 19 years of living. but bc my issues and anxiety cause so much difficulty to others, i dont rlly expect ppl to want to become friends w me or anything ;_;

anyway my oshi is my beloved dear 乙骨憂太 ♡ (okkotsu yuta.) im probably gonna talk about him A LOT bc he's all i care abt and basically the only thing i think about. i've loved him since 11/5/21 ♡ i love him most out of anybody in this world!!!! and if u think otherwise u can die idc ^-^

umm specific stuff im into is jujutsu kaisen, chiikawa, jibaku shonen hanako-kun, dear my living dead, sonic the hedgehog, splatoon, transformice, i wanted to be hurt by love, i love your cruddy, bluey, evangelion, tomorrow i will be someone's girlfriend (bold r hyperfixes)

my dreams are to publish my own manga and also move to japan someday (not a weeb btw i've been practicing japanese for 2-ish years and know it's not like "anime irl" LMAO) but im so socially inept that those are more delusions rather than dreams! maybe i'll get better someday lmfao

but as you can tell from this post, i am a very boring person. i have little to no friends and i barely leave my house. i know thats disgusting but hey, maybe someday i can post cute little glimpses of my life. that's what i ultimately want this blog to be... but a girl can only dream :( for now i'll use this as basically a diary. with all that being said im probably going to end up writing a ton of vents on this blog. if so please don't make fun of me over them. ><

im also a reality shifter but my blog isnt really for me to post about that.. if u don't believe in shifting thats okay just please dont harass me over it. if u do believe in shifting awesome moot me now also tiktok moots if you somehow see this and congrats u found my jirai sideblog LMAO

thanks 4 reading if u somehow got this far without thinking "wow this girls a fuckin loser"

i have a dni but this is already lengthy so just be normal and i wont block u. if u wanna be sure i consider u normal heres my dni

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

arveil and i are supposed to be each other's halves, we should've basically been one same person. i should be able to say that i am him but i'm sure he wouldn't agree. im sure he and everyone else would agree that i'm not him, i'll never be him. i know they'd say im too different from arveil, and arveil would always prefer to exist separately from me.

i wish i could be treated and considered just like him but it's impossible. arveil can make other people happy while all i do is get mad. there's so many things about him that are lovable while i don't even love myself. he can do so many things and im just someone who's mentally disabled.

i've tired myself enough, forcing you to love me when i shouldn't be. i should have never pressured you into listening and doing things for me. maybe it's not that your responses are dry, maybe the stuff i say are just all empty in the first place. i've got nothing to yap about anyway except for the past i constantly cry about? im sick of myself too. maybe i was unaware that i've just been acting like the victim and i've been guilt tripping you so much? the way i'd snap at you when you'd love arveil for what he can do, the way i'd say you probably only love him for those and not for who he is? i realized today too that i'm just really jealous cause unlike him i can't do anything. cause if you liked him for the things he can do while i have no capabilities, doesn't that mean that you can't like me the same way? yeah maybe the truth is that i'm just really insecure, too paranoid, too much.

maybe i am really just some usavable animal that mom said i am? the things i've been doing to you is the same way i act with mom. i doubt everything she says and does, i blow up at everything, i treat her with so much resentment. mom would say she loves me then i'd push her away cause i feel like it's only arveil she's concerned about. i'm too complicated and i always say she isn't doing enough for me even after everything. she'd try doing things to make it up to me, but it doesn't seem to make things better. isn't it the same with you? haven't i just been wasting your time cause until now i still can't get myself to trust you? i don't know what to do cause i feel like you guys are trying to make it up to me just to get arveil back. i feel like everyone wants me to heal just so that my negative ass will be gone and they can have fun with arveil again.

mom and my siblings are scared of me when i front. they've been avoiding saying and doing anything to trigger me, which should be a good thing, but it makes me sad. cause if i'll never be triggered, then will i get no more chance to front? will it only be arveil fronting now and taking all the love?

finding out you feel scared of me felt weird to me, it even felt comforting? cause there's no where else to go now that i've actually become what my bpd said i am. now that i look like the wild uncontrollable animal that's impossible to love, there's nothing more for my bpd to scare me with. i feel like you'd avoid me a lot now that arveil went dormant, but the thought of it feels better. reaching the lowest point of this and forcing myself to accpet you'll never love me is easier than trying to hope you'll love me only for my bpd to keep scaring me. this is not what i want but i have no choice.

bpd makes it feel like it's better to stay alone since the love i'll feel isn't worth the amount of anxiety i'd have to deal with. it's my fault in the first place for ever thinking someone could love me. i'll go back to where i belong. i'll try my best to stop bothering you and asking for love like a shameless bitch. i'll go back and accept that i'll probably live my entire life being jealous of him but i can't do anything about it. i shouldn't be ruining his life, i should've kept myself hidden. i won't try to front unless anyone needs me to so that it won’t be ruined for my alters. im tired of being so dramatic when i should've just stayed locked up inside

[brendanthestrange]

Ramble / Vent #1 [Part One]

So yeah, I think it's about time I christened this blog with my first ever vent of what's filling my brain.

TW: Unaliving mention, heavy-handed content, unsupportive parents, transphobia (kinda??), medical / hospital talk, prescription drugs and withdrawal talk, sickness.

On the 23rd of January I had a week long Borderline Personality Disorder episode. I couldn't be alone because I hated how loud my brain was and the things it was telling me to do.

Now, something I want whoever's reading to understand is that I am not actively suic//idal - I fear death to the point of panic attacks and it keeps me up at night. I am passively, however. I think about it more than most people would, I think of ways I could do it, I think about my funeral and who would/n't be there.

During this week long episode, I stayed with one friend (who for this I will call J) for three days and a different friend (R) for a further four days and I had to take time off work - I'm a carer for my job, I assist the elderly, physically and / or mentally disabled to lead a full life. I'm trained in hoisting, cooking, cleaning, catheter bags and medications - all that fun stuff.

I had to take time off work because whilst sorting out a client's medication for them to take, I thought "I wonder which of these pills could ki//ll me the fastest." and I realised that things were worse than I had originally thought.

I've had a lot of my co-workers imply or straight up say to me "How can you look after other people if you can't look after yourself?"... Walk 10cm - not even a mile, 10cm - in my shoes and I think you'd get it. Anyway.

Staying with J was really helpful as they made sure that I ate, brushed my teeth and wasn't just falling into a hole, so to speak. We used to live together in a shared house and I do consider them one of my best friends and I am incredibly grateful for what they did for those three days. After those three days, I had to go somewhere else as J has a policy from their landlord that they can't have overnight guests for longer than three nights, so I went to stay with R, who's my childhood best friend.

Whilst staying at R's I just cried, ate food and slept. It was great, in all honesty, as suffering with BPD I struggle to cry and I'd never cried so easily before. I wish I could cry more because I am a strong believer in it being a good and healthy way to release emotions... but I digress.

Once I was ready and... "stable" enough, I went home. I continued to be off of work though as I felt that it was bringing me too much stress - I'm technically on a zero-hour contract which means I can be called to do something or visit someone whenever my higher ups see fit / as a client needs. I've lost my personal life because of this, so I am actually looking at moving jobs. I want to stay in care, just not with the people I currently work for.

I booked a doctors appointment and discussed everything with them and we eventually came to the conclusion that the medication I was on for anxiety and depression was making my BPD worse; we came up with a plan that I would ween down dose by dose before completely coming off of the meds (for context, I was on Citalopram, which is apparently notorious for being horrible to come off of) and planning to set me up on Mirtazapine.

It has taken me like four days just to write this first part. Part two coming when I can get to it.

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[astramthetaprime]

Sign Post on the Highway to Hell

You are Here. 

Okay so Christmas, not so fun.  As per usual, there was food.  I got to eat beef for the first time in forever, which was very nice.  And ham, which was really just a bonus.  The real gem of the hour was the scratch-made mashed potatoes.  From actual potatoes.  So yeah, my family as I’ve said before does one hell of a good holiday meal.  

Moving on, I said very little to anyone, interacted as little as possible, and thankfully avoided any further incidents.  Which, while not ideal from a Holiday as Produced by Hallmark, was acceptable from the standpoint of Not Causing Any Further Incidents.  

Anyway, so that happened.  I am now going to enjoy being Holiday Free until Easter.  Which I may be able to avoid, so maybe even until July 4th.  Time will tell.

The real trouble started the following Tuesday, when I started the new phone job.  

From time to time -- maybe once every month, sometimes more than that -- I wake up in the morning and immediately go into this ... I dunno what to call it.  I wake up and just immediately go into this horrible anxiety attack.  Like, I’m aware I’m conscious, and I feel my body literally switch from standby to full power.  It’s like someone’s thrown a switch and I turn on like a space heater, my body goes in a few seconds to blazing hot, I get this electric feeling all through my body, and I get instantly nauseous.  I go from asleep to my mouth flooding with spit getting ready to yark up my guts all over the bed.  I smell the most horrible smell, like a grease trap, and I swear it’s coming from inside me.  Like it’s coming up from my stomach and through my nose as I breathe and I smell it on the way out.  It can take me several minutes to get past all this enough to sit up and get out of bed, and I end up being nauseous, physically weak, shivering and shaking for the rest of the day.  This happened on Tuesday morning.  The very worst time this could have happened, starting a new job that I was already freaked out and anxious about.  

Today was the first day I’ve felt halfway back to normal.  And I’m still faintly nauseous.  Oh and did I mention that lately I get onto these crying fits and can’t stop?  Yeah, that’s happening too.  The last three days.  I cry at the drop of a hat these days.  I can’t seem to stop myself.  

And I’m finding it increasingly difficult to eat.  I just don’t want to eat anymore.  Which worries me since I’m 100lbs overweight and you don’t get that way by hating food.  But these days I have to force myself to eat.  It may be due to the nausea, I dunno.  But I was looking at a plate of two hamburgers last night and had to force myself to eat the first and half the second, and gave the rest to my dog.  Because I couldn’t bear to eat another bite.  

My best guess?  The extreme stress and anxiety of the last two to three months has hit a critical threshold.  Something has to give.  That something is my health.

“But AuntyP!” I seem to hear the masses cry, “Why don’t you go to therapy?”

To go to therapy requires several things.  First, that there are funds available for such an endeavor.  Second, that one has the time to devote to such an endeavor.  And third, that one has an appropriate therapist.  

There are no funds available.  I cannot afford to take the time off from work for such an endeavor.  And third, therapists who can deal intelligently with late-diagnosed adult autistics and our unique reactions to anxiety and stress are about as rare as rhodium-plated dewclaws on a fish.  In the midst of all this, the last thing I want is to shove my diagnosis letter and my test results under a so-called doctor’s nose and have to convince them I’m not BPD or “just depressed” simply to be dismissed and charged several hundred dollars for the privilege of denting his couch.  

“But AuntyP!” again I hear the masses cry, “Why don’t you get another job?”

Yeah, I’m trying that.  I’ll let you know.  Getting jobs has never been my strong suit.  Although I’ve seen that’s actually very common for We Happy ASD, so shout out to all my homies who have always been told we’re highly intelligent but inexplicably can’t get hired to drive pizza for Saturday nights during football season.  Hell, most Domino’s will hire bums off the street with vodka breath and needle tracks along every vein but friendzone autistics like it’s a national pasttime.  So yeah, it’s a continuing journey.  

Long story short... er... (looks up at preceding hundreds of words) 

It’s just... I’m stuck.  In a situation that is inherently hostile to my mind and soul.  From which I cannot escape since to simply quit my job will mean homelessness.  But which to endure will mean physical and mental upset on an indefinite basis, with no support available.  

Yeah.  “Incredibly intelligent” my pasty white saggy ass.  My brain isn’t saving me lately.  It’s throwing me under the bus.

[poetic-beats]

Feeling very eh idk guess my brain just hates me right now so thats fun….hopefully I’ll be getting an appointment soon with my psych and care co-ordinator or w/e at the new mental health team I’m currently under cos I moved out of area for my old one. So far the new CMHT seems pretty good they’ve said they are going to set in motion a lot of things but now I’m just left waiting to see when that’ll happen. I know some of it is gonna be a long wait list like for therapy but hopefully I’ll be given a psychiatrist and an appointment date set soon they said they were going to refer me for a diagnostic something or other appointment as some of my symptoms sounded like it could be trauma related and potentially ptsd/CPTSD symptoms so and they’re going to do an assessment into my anxiety too so they can get a better idea of how to treat it I suppose. Especially as my old psych never really asked me too many questions about it and never like identified what kind of anxiety disorder I have besides acknowledging my struggles with social stuff and panic attacks he wasn’t all that interested and just said yeah sounds like an anxiety disorder and gave me some meds for my panic attacks which didn’t work and then moved me onto x meds which havent been great so before I did move prescribed me a different drug that I’ve yet to start it tbh as I kinda want a set of fresh eyes to look over everything and re-evaluate my meds before going ahead as he was rather questionable on some things and Im just not 100 on his decisions as some contradicted my very first psych who I saw for yrs before he retired who I did trust. So I’m just a little iffy about it especially because he had a habit of not even listening to me when I was talking about side effects I had or issues and so im just very like not entirely confident in some things.

Anyways so yeah that’s my little life update I guess - things are kinda up in the air I have good days and I have bad days I was doing pretty good up until like maybe two or three days ago so I’m hoping I can break out of this idk I dont wanna call it depression I dont think its like super severe enough to be that but its definitely a low mood with some anxiety sprinkled in right now, but yeah hopefully I can get out of this low mood soon hopefully its not a sign of a relapse into a longer mood shift or something that is going to downward spiral me into a bpd depression which would be a lot worse I don’t want to have a full on bpd depressed breakdown so I’m trying to keep myself occupied. My cute little cat helps hes adorable and he is one of those cats who always wants to be held and I love that because its perfect for me I love that I’ve got a cat I can pick up and hold and give all the attention too. He’s definitely the cutest thing ever.

[babyboy-cody]

‘ ‘ chapter | 01 ’ ’

complex desires. ( prologue ) ( masterlist )

SUMMARY: It’s the first week of classes after winter break, but you’re not exactly used to seeing new faces - teachers and students in between.

WARNINGS: explicit language, mentions of mental disorders, anxious thoughts, anxiety attack

WORD COUNT: 2.8k

NOTES: i’m currently writing this chapter while drinking a big ass mug of hot cocoa. also, hunter’s pronouns are they/them! this series is one i’m most excited for. hope you kiddies enjoy <3

It was still early when the clouds gave off their rain to the grass and trees, when the road became alive with more splashes than your eyes could appreciate. Yet together they brought such a soothing sound, a natural melody every bit as beautiful as a mother's soulful hum. You felt each splash that touched your skin, watching as your cardigan become a deeper, more rocky hue. It was as if earlier the street had been a matte photograph, only to be washed as glossy as any magazine page.

Each raindrop is a kaleidoscope, if people could only see more closely. You wonder as you walk how it would be to stop time, to suspend this watery gift and peek through each one. Perhaps it would be fun to sit inside those raindrops and take that gravity propelled ride to the earth, as you imagine it you feel your inner self laughing – a little at the crazy daydream and a little at your own silliness. You see the rain beads upon the cars, upon each leaf and washing your outstretched fingers. Soon they will pull together, forming the puddles, opening up a whole new avenue of rain-related fun. Perhaps it isn't normal to love a rainy day so much, but who cares about normal anyway? You’re pretty sure "normal" is a made up thing.

Upon the umbrella come the playful sounds of dancing drops, and from it's rim comes the sight of their more relaxed cousins, dripping as if their soul purpose was to bring a sense of ease and calm to the day. And as the rain became more intense, it began to soak the bottom of each dark blue jean leg, deepening the denim to a stronger hue, bringing your brown boots to a glossy water-shine, becoming a kind of natural cocoon.

Each raindrop is a doorway into nature's heart, an invitation of sorts, a request for your soul to rejoin creation. In the rain there is a serenity, a sense of peace that offers to resonate with the peaceful elements of the soul. Walking among those drops is your meditation, a way to fully become present in the moment, a way to feel free.

There was a vibration coming to life in the back pocket of your jeans, cutting you out of your peaceful daydream in the rain. You stepped to the side to allow a cyclist to pass by and gave him a brief smile when he nodded his head in thanks. When you pulled out your phone to read the contact, you instantly smiled when seeing Mickey’s name on the screen.

“Okay, first off, hello. Second off, where the hell are you? Me and Hunter – okaayy – Hunter and I have been in the cafeteria since 7:15 in the goddamn morning,” she immediately went off as soon as you put the phone to your ear. “Also, did you take your meds today? My alarm went off as a reminder.”

“First off, hi back, Mick. Second off, it’s been 15 minutes and I’m five minutes away from the school. It’s fine if we don’t have breakfast today just once,” you laughed as you heard her scoff. “And thirdly, yes mom, I did take my meds. I actually have to get another refill for my BPD meds. Thank you for asking.”

“Yeah, yeah. Well, you better hurry. We have the last of your favorite yogurt and Hunter’s close to eating the damn thing,” you heard Mickey laugh as she shushes her significant other. “Also, be careful coming around the usual entrance. The school is doing some bogus construction to add a statue of the principal.”

“You’re shitting me!” You exclaimed, earning a dirty glare from a tiny senior citizen as she slowly walks passed you with her small cane. “What the hell did this prick do to earn that? Also, can you grab me a fruit cup too? I’ve been craving kiwi’s for some odd reason.”

“Well, he’s wicked rich and can basically do anything in this school and get away with it, literally. And there’s no fruit cups today, but there’s a bag of sliced apples and tangerine slices,” Mickey told you as she huffed, which you assume is her getting out of her seat to go back to the assortment of breakfast foods. “Ooh, there’s bagels too. I think they just added these.”

“Jesus Christ, this statue is stupid as hell,” you groaned and stood in front of the half built statue, your principal’s name on a gold plated plaque attached to the marble. “This guy really needs an ego boost, huh? And just tangerine slices then. I’m heading inside.”

“Alright, see you soon, baby doll.” She annoyingly kisses into the phone as you snorted and rolled your eyes at her antics.

Sliding your phone back into your pocket, you stood outside the entrance doors and shook the leftover raindrops from your yellow umbrella before closing it. You inhaled the fresh rain water for one last time before grasping onto the freezing cold and disgustingly wet doorknob and pulling it open to head inside. There was a small litter of students here and there; some reading new announcements on the bulletin board in the main hall; some sitting in the lounging chairs with laptops or textbooks open on their laps; some sitting on the ground with a half empty bottle of water beside their laps and phones in their hands, headphones in their ears. You terribly, annoyingly, and oddly missed this. You missed the bustle of students laughing and running down the halls. You missed it all, even if it has been two weeks.

You hear loud chatter coming from just ahead, so you know you’re about to enter the cafeteria area. Just as you’re about to do so, you stop in your tracks in front of a bulletin board. There were a few posters for new clubs, as well as study groups, upcoming announcements, room changes, and more. But one that really struck out to you was a new story writing group, specifically for writers or English majors. You felt a burst of excitement spread throughout your chest and settle into the pit of your stomach. You made sure to take a quick photo of the sheet beforr moving on into the cafeteria.

Almost immediately, you spotted Hunters straight platinum blonde hair and fiery streaks on one side while the other was icy blue. Sitting in front of them was Mickey, her hair curly and unruly, making you wonder if she rolled out of bed, threw some clothes on, and called it a day. You felt your cheek mucles twitch as your lips pulled up into a bright smile. Hunter was the first to notice you. They looked up at you passed Mickey’s shoulder and smiled so brightly that it made you reciprocate. They adorned bright orange eyeshadow with white eyeliner, making their eyes pop out even more. You loved how they didn’t cake on makeup, they kept it simple, yet so drop dead gorgeous.

“There she is, the man of the hour,” they announced and got up from their seat to pull you in for a warm, tight hug. “I missed you so much. I’m so sorry for not messaging you the entire break. We didn’t have any service whatsoever.” There was a crestfallen look on Hunter’s face and you held their cheeks so they wouldn’t look away.

“Look at me, don’t stress about it, okay? Did you at least have fun?” They nodded with a pout. You grinned and gave their forehead a kiss before pulling them in for another hug.

“Okay, first you’re late. And now you’re stealing my person. I see how it is,” Mickey smirked as you gave her the bird behind Hunter’s back as you both pulled away from the hug. “Hi Y/N.”

“Hi Michelle,” you responded in the same tone as you sat in an empty chair around the table. “Give me my tangerine, please.” She passed you the small cup of tangerine slices with a grin when you began eating them.

“You been eating three times a day?” She asked you, looking at you through her mane of curls rather than pushing her hair away. You shrugged and kept your eyes on the half empty cup in your hands. “Y/N..”

“I’m doing it little by little, Mick. And I’m starting to drink water too,” you blushed and laughed softly when her and Hunter began praising you. Praise was something you weren’t used to, but hearing it every now and then really gave you butterflies. “It’s nothing..”

“Are you kidding me?” Hunter laughed and reached over to lay a hand over yours. “This is amazing. This is progress and we’re both so very proud of you.”

“You’ve come a long way,” Mickey lightly bumped your shoulder with her knuckles as Hunter pulled away. “You should do a meal plan like I did when I had to get my weight back up, so that way you don’t forget to eat three times a day.”

“I don’t know.. I don’t exactly have the funds to buy a lot of groceries. I had to use over $100 of my food stamps cause almost everything in my kitchen was old,” you huffed and popped another tangerine slice into your mouth. “Plus, I’ve been busy with finding a job and paying for my therapy appointments and doing school work, and it’s all so fucking overwhelming.”

The first bell rang, signaling students to begin their walk to class with only a few more minutes to spare. You grabbed your shoulder bag and stood beside Mickey while she held onto Hunter’s hand. The three of you passed by a swarm of students; freshman’s and sophomores running by to get to the lecture halls early; juniors having their books and laptops already out and pressed to their chests; seniors loitering in the halls with their friends. Thankfully, you, Hunter, and Mickey had your first English class together.

“How about this?” Mickey began. “Hunter and I will help pay for your groceries.” She hushed you as you began to lightly protest. “Listen, you already got a lot on your plate. I’d be a really shitty best friend if I allowed you to deal with all that. So every week, we’re gonna swing by your place to drop off some stuff, okay? I’ll create a meal plan for you with your favorites, so that way we’re taking that worry for money off your back.”

“Mick, you don’t have to do that for me. Like I said, I’ll find a way,” you mumbled and shrugged as you walked up the long staircase to head up to the lecture halls. “I couldn’t do that to you guys.”

“Y/N,” Hunter stopped you three in the middle of the hallway. “We care about you and we don’t want you going down that negative route alone. We both have jobs and enough money to cover Mickey and I, and it’ll seriously make me the happiest if you let us do this, please.”

“Two more minutes until class begins,” the voiceover on the speaker spoke.

“Fine,” you sighed, feeling a smile pull your lips as you all continued walking to the English room. “I love you both. And I’m very grateful for you to do this for me.”

“We know,” Mickey told you as she kissed your cheek obnoxiously, causing you to groan and Hunter to laugh. “But in all seriousness, don’t be a stranger to asking, okay?”

You nodded and gave her a reassuring smile as you made your up the steps to your seats in the bottom middle row. Mickey sat in between you and Hunter as more students filled the class. There was light chatter and soft clatter as seats were pulled down and the folding desks were pulled up. You set your bag between your feet, being cautious of not getting it dirty from your boots. Pulling out your spiral notebook that had four sections, you neatly wrote the course name, your name, and the date. Nervously clicking your pen, you tried to block out the noise that had started to get a little too loud. Nibbling on your bottom lip to distract yourself, your feet began tapping on its own while you tapped your pen on your book. Mickey and Hunter were having a conversation of their own, so they didn’t notice the early signs of a small anxiety attack.

An invisible hand clasps over your mouth; an equally ghostly hypodermic of adrenaline pierces your heart, unloading in an instant. You feel your ribs heaving as if bound by ropes, straining to inflate your lungs. Your head is a carousel of fears spinning out of control, each one pushing your mind into blackness. You want to run; you need to freeze. Sounds that were near feel far away, like you’re no longer in the body that sits paralyzed in the cold seat. Your breath comes out in rapid, shallow breaths as you shake your head at yourself.

“No, no, no,” you harshly whisper as your bobbing knee gets almost frantic.

You felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in your abdomen. Tension grew your her face and limbs, your mind replaying the last attack. You held onto the sides of your head, your elbows digging into the hardness of your desk. Your only movement was the trembling of your limbs and salty tears darkening your sleeves. There you stayed, unaware of the numerous eyes watching you until Mickey turned and noticed your frantic state.

“Shit,” she hissed and slung her arm across your desk as the other wrapped around your shoulders. “I’m here, Y/N. It’s okay.. sshhh.. I’m right here.” She noticed a few students staring, to which she narrowed her eyes and snarled, “What the fuck are you looking at, dipshits?!” They immediately looked away after being caught. She turned her attention back on you. “What’s going on, huh?” Her voice was soft and soothing as she smoothed her hand down your hair.

“It-It’s so.. loud,” you hiccuped and covered your face even more when a sob escaped your lips, spit flying onto your hands as you felt your neck, cheeks, and ears heat up out of embarrassment and shame. “I can’t stop it, Mick. I-I can’t!”

Hunter sat on the other side of you, reaching down to get your back, shuffling their hand inside to pull out your earplugs and inhaler. They handed the earplugs fo Mickey while pressing the opening of the inhaler to your lips. “Come on, babe,” they quietly told you and tucked a few strands of hair behind your ears, lightly blowing on your flushed skin to cool it down. “There we go,” they gently said when you took two deep puffs of your inhaler while Mickey made sure your earplugs were snug inside your ears. You felt your lungs open up as the cold, bitter medicine settled on your tongue.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper and shook your head, wiping away the last of your tears. You sniffled and looked at Mickey and Hunter. “I-I don’t know what happened.. it just... happened.”

“It’s always unexplained, but don’t be sorry for something you can’t control, okay?” Mickey told you firmly while making sure you were looking into her eyes. “This doesn’t make you any less of a person.”

Hunter smiled and sat your bag back between your feet before moving to their seat next to Mickey. All the students had settled down, their conversations now a quiet murmur. You felt relieved as you pulled your earplugs out and slid them inside your protective case, making sure the lid was closed tight before shoving it into your bag. Mickey kept an eye on you the entire time, making sure no one triggered you. She sat with an elbow resting on the back her chair with her legs lightly spread.

“You’re man-spreading,” you quietly told her, laughing quietly when she flipped you off.

Suddenly, the metal doors opened and a man hurriedly walks in with an expensive looking leather messenger back over his shoulder. Your lips parted and you sat up straight in your seat when he gave the class a guilty smile. You’ve never seen him in the school. Not even before break. He must’ve been in a different department and just got transferred to the English center. He deeply intrigued you. You noticed the other girls in the class twirling their hair in a cliché way with the tips of their pens between their teeth. He wore all black, and it was so very different compared to what other professors wore. There was no sweater vest or button up shirt. He just wore a comfortable and soft looking black sweater with black jeans and black boots. His dirty blonde - almost brunette - hair was perfectly styled. He looked devastatingly handsome.

“Hello, my name is Professor Shepherd and I’m going to be your English teacher for the rest of the semester. Professor Winifred recently had her baby during winter break and shall be back for the next semester,” he gave another knee-weakening grin as he clapped his hands together. “Shall we get started?”

[surrealsunday]

I’m doing a Tempo reread right now and I forgot how much I relate to your version of Lucas - and I say “your version” because I think you actually expanded really well on all of the Skam France characters. You enhanced personalities that are so in canon with the shows depiction of them. As someone who has BPD and horrible anxiety, I feel so close to Lucas and his reactions to the fear of abandonment. The all consuming anxiety and blame I put on myself when I perceive that someone is mad at me. I literally cannot live in any amount of peace when I know someone is upset with me. Lucas trying to apologize to Eliott after the photographer incident in Tempo just felt too real. His Fawn response is exactly how someone with abandonment issues and anxiety would respond. Instant panic, blame on themselves and the desperate need to fix it immediately to make everything right again. You showed it beautifully here and it was consistent throughout the whole fic.

This is one of the reasons I love your writing and why you’re one of my favorite authors in general. Like yes, the writing is good and the stories are fun but, man, you just really understand the characters. I don’t really know what this ask was supposed to be about but it’s just a random thought I wanted to share, I guess, and I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for constantly giving us such beauty in your stories and in a way, allowing me to feel seen and realize that as much as my mental health can make me feel alone and isolated, that I’m not. Anyway! Sappy comment over! I hope you’re doing well Jaime and I cannot- I repeat CANNOT wait to start your Punzel fic once it’s all ready.

Holy shit this is the most amazing message. So first of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH! You don't even know what it means to read peoples comments like this.

I am so freaking thrilled Tempo holds up like that over time and really allows you to see yourself reflected in the emotions (because to me that indicates the emotions come across as real and believable which is all I could ask for). And I truly love the idea that I was able to expand on canon characters. That's definitely what I do in my own head. At the end of the day, it's not like we actually got that much from the show itself. But all the same, I do wonder sometimes if I'm achieving what I set out to do - that is, still making those characters feel like themselves and how we remember them. So thank you thank you for that.

As for the anxiety thing - I wouldn't wish that to be something anyone related to so strongly but I completely feel you on understanding those emotions, and I hope in that way it's cathartic to read. I hadn't thought about those Lucas scenes in Tempo in quite a while. I actually love looking back on them and remembering my thought process. You will actually get a lot more of that 'anxiety guiding behaviour and thought patterns' in Punzel, though it will be coming from Eliott. I think it's something I naturally bring to my writing and I really hope it translates properly. It's funny because suffering from those feelings myself, I often have anxiety about making the anxiety in my fics too annoying (like... enough is enough) lollll. So yeah, anxiety while writing about anxiety. Such is my lot in life 😂. But I do hope it will continue to read as authentic and thoughtful in Punzel as well.

And no, you are definitely not alone! I love your 'sappy' comment and please feel free to come back and chat with me any time. And truly thank you again for taking the time to send me this message 💖💖💖.

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which��well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

[spinel-is-stressed]

ok so this is my vent account!!! warning that vents may have stuff like: eating disorders, self harm, suicide mentions, pedophilia, and overall just a lot of sad stuff cuz ya know spinel is sad badabing badaboom

i might make vent art if i ever feel like it so uh yeah i’m just following a bunch of mental health accounts too so when i go on here i can read some blogs and maybe calm down with those a bit too. so i might reblog stuff too.

anyways, here is a gist of me:

my diagnoses are: bipolar disorder/bpd, ad(h)d, ocd, generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression

i’ve taken over 13 different type of medications since around the end of elementary school when i faced a dangerous eating disorder where i was basically terrified of choking on food and dying. i ate little to nothing and spent a lot of time trying to go to doctors n therapists to figure it out. i dont even know how long it lasted but maybe about a year(?) i got pretty underweight and nearly died. thank god that i was able to recover and now i’m eating like a champ. but there are moments and those moments suck. so uh yeah

for most of my years of elementary school and middle school, i was isolated and basically lived in miserable hell with numerous toxic friendships and just had the mindset that i was never going to make a single friend that would actually care about me. it’s crazy how terrible young kids can be like woah. (i’ve been able to crawl out of that ditch and find some really swell friends that are literally the best people on earth in highschool. but the trauma causes a lot of pain every now and then. fun to have nearly attempted suicide twice in fucking 6th grade.) so uh yeah

i’m happy that my parents are supportive enough to let me get help cuz i know a lot of families tend to leave their kids in the dark. i was considered going to a psych ward but luckily opted out cuz i’m just not ready for something like that. if i ever do go, maybe it would be good. i have therapy and stuff but this is just a blog for me to really get some stuff out. also maybe a way to archive things i wanna talk to my therapist about. so uh yeah