#anyways yeah about the OCD.
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I have a part of a song that makes me sad stuck in my head because my brain is Mean (and apparently also officially has OCD- wild thing I found out today!) So I am going to think about soft things with Toshi to comfort myself until I can get some sleep. I start a new job tomorrow tho so I'm procrastinating on that particular thing dkdnskg
#rain rambles#life update ig? jdjsjssh#im starting work at a trampoline park tomorrow#and I'm nervous bevause my track record with jobs (especially ones where im on my feet all day) hasnt been very good#but my bosses seem really nice! so im excited to be part of the team for as long as i can!#anyways yeah about the OCD.#i took an online quiz that said i probably had it. but i didn't want to base anything on that. i forgot abt it and went to therapy.#my therapist interrupted me to ask if i was diagnosed with OCD. i said no and she asked if i wanted to go through the assessment to see#so i said sure and uh. sure enough... more letters for my alphabet soup dksjsnb#what us it now- AUDHD. OCD. PTSD. BPD.#wild times in this brain lads. wild wild time.#Its ok my f/os love me even if i am a little Messy in the brain area
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realizing that people who equate cynicism with intellectual rigor are often just being lazy and pathetic has been so helpful tbh
#like the endless amount of cynicism i see on here particularly amongst american leftists just very much reads to me#as a combination of moral ocd and identity politics / optics#where if you’re sad/angry enough it excuses you from participating in the real world#instead of like. funneling a real desire to see positive change into channels of action#anyways. aoc and rashida talib the only bitches out here i respect#i am never going to be a person who responds to like. paragraphs about how electoral politics are evil or america is evil like yeah. true.#but i live here. people i love live here. strangers i love live here. so now what do i do that is Real outside of the whining chamber#optimism = stupid / fatalism = intellect is like. LOLOLOL#we all have to chose to believe that we can create a world that is livable#which is not to say i am#at all aligned with the dem#establishment or the liberal agenda but like. i’m not taking myself out of the game bc i believe i can Do Something and it’s my duty to do
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core // september 26 2024
#this poem is awesome cause the unrelenting anxiety i have felt over it the past couple weeks has also felt like my insides rotting away#anyway!!!!!#rot girl fall is upon us. unfortunately#poetry#poem#poems#poets on tumblr#poems and poetry#poetsandwriters#poems about religion#spilled ink#do i have a tag for. poems about guilt. jfhgds#how did i tag that lady macbeth poem...#catholic guilt#<— yeah that tracks. alright#AS ALWAYS. I DO NOT EXPERIENCE RELIGIOUS OR MORAL OCD BUT I AM SHAKING HANDS WITH ALL MY MUTUALS WHO DO
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new rt everyone shes a freak whos pretty sure shes been been given the role of rogue trader as an act of divine intervention to eventually replace the godemperor and bring new glory to the imperium which she thinks is dull and stagnant. dont worry about why she keeps marazhai caged in her trophy room like he's bait its not important and completely irrelevant to the fact ive joke nicknamed her simon thresh. has anyone noticed a lot of slaaneshi demons during warp jumps lately
#warhammer rogue trader#rogue trader#marazhai aezyrraesh#von valancius#if i ever mention about marazhai going insane on the voidship this is what i want you to think of#understimulated predator animal in a cage claws itself open#its worse with her but i do think he generally feels kinda insane anyway#yeah he's tricked into thinking she's tolerable and a fair alternative to the arena then hes taken to the voidship#yrliet [who was the fixation until now] tries to warn him about her before getting her head bashed in infront of him#spirit stone smashed into shards for ritual use body dragged off for vague poor medical knowledge dissection#he is now thinking the arena might not be so bad after all. except he's got no way to back out of this so hes screaming clawing at the wall#shes not giving him up willingly and the only person who could take him by force is calcazar whos not a great alternative tbh!#so he gets to go insane being bait for the chaos god he's already ocd fixated is stealing his soul [on top of normal drukhari fears]#and he's not able to maul anyone else while locked up so its just him dealing with this alone! yay#she doesnt give a shit about pasqal until he gets xenotech in him. then he goes to the trophy room too for study/more grafts#heinrix is most likely captive in the trophy room too with his death faked so he cant snitch#idira Almost got in trouble too for the implant she gets from tervantias but then it breaks and this lass is just angry at her#the Only reason she doesnt feed her to the wolves and kick her out is her door. and she is now trying to force it open with a crowbar#abelard has to deal with her shit and manage it socially. he never thought he'd want to retire but fucking hell when can he quit#she likes jae mostly for her connections. toxic yuri theyre both using eachother#she briefly idolises achilleas for bringing her to commorragh but then finds out he did it under torture and didnt want to. mad at him#he can make it up to her once hes a wrack though [he is going next to marazhai. this will only improve both their mental states]#can you tell this freak is a piece of work yet#shes got screams of the damned volume 3 playing across the ship and shes having a great time but is completely deadpan the whole time#unrelated! you can finally see my idea of marazhai next to a normal fucking human good god. yeah i think hes huge
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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oh dang you were a Jehovah Witness? that must have been tough growing up
it was... something for sure. my grandmother raised me and she converted when i was about eight or nine, as did most of her sisters and my great grandmother. i was very invested in it as a kid, mostly because i was the sort of kid who REALLY wanted to impress adults and JW meetings are very participation-based.
my grandmother was very restrictive growing up, both in terms of who i was allowed to hang out with and the media i was allowed to engage with, so i wasn't allow to read harry potter or watch buffy the vampire slayer, for example, bc jehovah's witnesses are very big on not engaging with anything "satanic" or "demonic" which... includes basically anything with magic, or anything that could be a "stumbling block to your faith." (that was a phrase i heard a LOT growing up.)
i also wasn't allowed to hang out with non-jehovah's witnesses outside of school, but because my grandfathr wasn't a jehovah's witness, none of the other witness kids were allowed to come over to my house, so i didn't really have a lot of close friends until i was in my teens.
somewhere around 8th grade i started to question, for... a lot of reasons, but i was sort of back and forth between pulling away and sticking with it for a few years until i was about 15-16. jehovah's witnesses are VERY big on 1) not dating anyone outside who doesn't share the same faith as you, 2) not dating until you're ready for marriage, and 3) not even being alone with a member of the opposite sex that you're nor married to. and i wanted to date a boy from my high school and i wanted to play dungeons and dragons and i slowly just stopped going to the JW meetings, despite my grandmother clearly being unhappy with it.
the elders at my grandmother's congregation had also taken me aside and lectured me about how i shouldn't be dating which. at the time was very heavy and made me feel awful and did not make me want to go back.
my grandmother eventually gave me an ultimatum that i had to either go back to the meetings with her or formally disassociate myself, which is A Big Deal because if you disassociate yourself, other jehovah's witnessess are supposed to shun you (including your family members). i guess she thought that i would fall in line if she did this, but i ended up disassociating myself instead.
you'd think that would be the reason my grandmother and i have little to no contact now, but she was willing to break the rules for a while in the hopes that i would repent and return to the fold. the thing that actually made her go no contact with me was me coming out as gay.
i actually know for a fact that another family member of mine hasn't come out yet almost exclusively bc they know that it will destroy their relationship with her. and it sucks bc i'm 100% sure if it wasn't for the shitty cult she's fully bought into, i don't think she would actually care that much.
anyway if you ever want to know more about jehovah's witnesses, the website jwfacts.org is super informative and breaks down everything from doctrine to history to organizational scandals. knowing better on youtube also has one of the most well-researched and accurate videos about JWs i've ever seen from someone who was never part of the religion and i would HIGHLY recommend it if you want a good overview of the history and beliefs.
#briar answers#i'm pretty sure my grandmother has religious ocd tbh#so it's very much about Following The Rules for her#so until/unless the watchtower org decides to update their doctrine on same sex relationships on an organizational level#i am probably never going to have a relationship with her again#anyway yeah that's the short version#i used to be really angry at my grandmother but now i just feel bad for her#bc it is legitimately A Cult and i'm lucky i had a good non-family support system as well as non-JW family members#but not a lot of people do#religion cw#cults cw#ask to tag
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And what if I said that the reason Sheila hates Sammi so much is because Sheila sees her own worst qualities in Sammi that she hates herself for
#its 3am so im not gonna make an in depth post about it now but cmon guys#she hates sammi for being a clingy and needy bad mother#sheila is clingy and needy!! like at the start of s4 when shes around the gallaghers all the time and wont leave them alone#also she needed karen so bad and got super attached to frank#shes also scared about being a bad mother and felt guilty about the times that she was one like she apologises to karen about how her#agoraphobia and ocd affected karens childhood#'but sheila never kicked karen out to have sex with a random guy' yeah but sheila did bring a random man home to stay (frank) and slept with#karens husband#likeeee#anyway i actually do want to make a post on this later when im less tired#shameless#shameless us#sheila jackson#sammi slott#frank gallagher#karen jackson
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I hate when ppl say "it's not that deep" especially when it's true bc like. okay yeah it wasn't intended to be that deep, so what? isn't it fun to craft your own interpretation of deeper meanings? do you not know how to have fun with what u read??
#like. i know damn well this author did not have any of my interpretations in mind when writing this and tbh i dont care!!#(also kind of hoping she didnt bc if she did it has some unsavory undertones)#(its good unintentionally but not so good intentionally)#anyway yeah this is about beastars and legoshis ocd lesbian realness#but it could be about many other things
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(´・ᴗ・ ` )
#Alright lil blog update. Running the reblogs queue again tonight (yay!). Been procrastinating it for like? four months now?#I'm not going to fix the order anymore in a crazy pattern that only I can see. And like the point as always been#“it's only for myself‚ because I like seeing the posts all ordinately lined up ☺️”. But it does start being a problem when.#It actually blocks me from reblogging alltogether. Or makes me end up with 978 posts in the queue and 15584 in the drafts#(lol) (yeah)#Anyways had to write it down publicly because last time I said “screw it I'm not going to post in order anymore”#I lasted exactly one (1) day#Mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh#I need to make space in the queue so I've set 20 posts in the night / morning for the time being.#Probably going to tag less because again. the posts are piling up. Sorry everyone#So like... After this string of disappointing (and possibly irrelevant?) updates. Feel free to unfollow me etc. etc.#(Mututals included? I really hold no bad feeling I know I post a lot. I don't care about mutualism if we're friends we're friends)#Have a nice day / night!!!#random rambles#Btw for anyone wondering my previous queue lineup was 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts / 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts etc.#(other category could be like. gifsets together. analysis together. textposts of approximately the same length together etc. )#And fanarts had to be coherent between each other for characters / composition / oftentimes color palette#Anyways. Winning over ocd today 💪💪#(I say as I didn't pick this month specifically because the second half of the year starts together with it. Anyways)#ManBreakingChainsMeme.png#Edit: Just remembered this all started because I accidentally hit shuffle queue two or three weeks ago#When it happened I had a mental breakdown and cried for two hours but looking back. Maybe it was really godsent
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me complaining abt witchtok lmao
remember when on witchtok (i've never even had a tiktok i'm just a witch and was whenever witchtok got super popular lmao) years ago all anyone talked abt was how deity worship+work is advanced and trickster deity this imposter spirit that constantly. one time I WASNT EVEN LIKE "THATS NOT TRUE" CUZ MAYBE THATS TRUE TO+FOR SOMEONE. I WAS JUST LIKE. "huh. that's not my experience. i was called to by a deity before i was a witch or even super in the know about all this stuff. so deity stuff was the first thing i did. it seems for y'all it's the other way around, but for me i wouldn't be a witch if i wasn't pagan. 99% of the witchcraft i do is devotional. " AND SO MANY TIKTOK WITCH PEOPLE COMMENTED YELLIN AT ME SAYIN HOW U SHOULDNT DO THAT BC ANY COMMUNICATION WITH A DEITY IS ADVANCED SHIT AND I WAS SPREADING DANGEROUS MISINFORMATION N HOW THEY WER GONNA HEX ME N SHIT. which ofc they didn't. or maybe since most of em wer self proclaimed baby witches it just didn't work lmao. but anyway now more recently i see those same witchtok ppl go back on that and be like "eh it wasn't that serious it's not advanced" and i'm like 😃🥴
#like i'm glad they don't still have that dumbass imo take anymore or are less annoying about it#i'm just bitter i got flamed for it 😭💀 only for them to come around and agree with me#i think they forgot too that not every pagan/polytheist/whatever is a witch. and we don't all have th same trajectory or sequence of events#like it's not baby witch -> advanced witch -> deity worshipper/whatever. i hate the formula-ification of being a witch the internet does#or being any thing for that matter#i don't do any let alone 800 cleansing n banishing n protection rituals to pray like they made it seem like u need to lmao#that shit fucks with my ocd and anxiety#also for the 80000 times i've been warned about trickster spirits and deities impersonating whoever u mean to actually reach#i've only heard one (1) actual story from someone who that actually happened to and they wer like#yeah i could tell right away it wasn't them. it was fine tho. LMAO#i think too that a lot of the witches who said that said it bc they themselves worshipped/worked w/whatever deities#and wanted to think of themselves+be seen as more advanced and cool lmao which is. corny asf#but yeah also resulted in a lot of unnecessary gatekeeping and fearmongering and is pretty ahistorical anyway#anywayyyy that was just somethin i remembered a min ago. sorry for the long tags lmao#haunt haunts 🪦#pagan#paganblr#witchblr#witchcraft
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anyone else violently afraid of dying in a mass preventable accident or is it just me. asking for a friend.
#emyrs.txt#i'm so maddddddddd. i wrangled this specific type of intrusive thought as a preteen!!!!! i had finally managed to convince myself#that i was fine with “if it happens it happens”!!!!! i had finally gone. ok well. nothing i can do about that! and moved on!!!!!#but then. covid vine boom. multiple acquaintances and family dying within months of each other vine boom. season 4 house md finale vine boo#the election vine boom. me being stressed as hell in general because of who i am as a person. etc etc.#was driving down the freeway the other day and so viscerally thought of a car accident happening that i almost started crying reflexively.#caitlin doughty uploaded a new video today and i watched it thinking. oh yeah i'll feel better! bc it's caitlin :) and then i almost had#a panic attack imagining something like that happening to one of my friends or family or me.#anyway i think i should get checked for ocd. for reasons unrelated to the intense stress/sheer panic i feel all the time & the rituals &#compulsions & the thoughts that loop over & over in my head. unrelated to all that.#also this specific fear is i think rooted mostly in pain. like. dying a slow nasty death. where being killed would be more humane.#and also obviously the preventability of it all. thinking specifically of caitlins' newest video specifically but also just. accidents#happen all the fucking time. being a casualty in something and then having my body not be identified for hours or days or months. or being#misidentified. like obviously i won't give a shit. bc i'll be dead. but who will help my parents through the whole thing. who will tell#my friends.#ok i'm freaking myself out even more. ask to tag. idk if any of this is triggering.#um. bye. i'm fine just. ?????????? you understand.
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and also recently someone whose videos and style i like on tiktok was like "everyone asks how i do my makeup so here it is!" and they already had flawless skin without it on. so i was like ok lol and kept scrolling
#sorry everyone i'm being envious and insecure tonight#no hate whatsoever to any of the people i mention of course. these are fully my own issues lmao#i'm just. so sick of my skin. i just have to complain about it for a bit. ok. i know things can always be worse obviously yeah but like ugh#i think the ocd is really getting to me tonight as well. can't even let myself complain about stupid shit without adding a million#qualifiers that don't help anyway and just make me feel worse. whateverrr
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#lmao my sibling was asking me questions yesterday and i was like yeah whatever blah and while on the treadmill i started thinking about what#they asked and my responses anyways long story short i think i’m depressed 💀#and it goes back to that god damn accident#which there was an update but it’s just that me ans 7 other ppl have to split the capped payout from the insurance 🧍��️ so that’s cool they#only smashed the back of my car gave me a concussion memory problem insomnia anxiety depression slight ocd (w driving) back/shoulder pain#worse almost weekly if not daily headaches angry issues lost a lot of money from missing work and having to be part time dr bills hospital#bills an ultrasound bill that i have to pay out of pocket but couldn’t at the time but now that im finally full time again and have#finally managed my bills enough that i can this week finally pay it only x months later so financial instability money anxiety existential#crisis loss of self pushed back the weight loss progress lost a lot of money because of that over half a year of progress & money got the#weirdest sugar addiction after the accident haven’t gained weight but also haven’t lost any#lost any sense of motivation for work and hobbies lost work opportunities had to pause my going back to school but now i don’t even think i#wanna go back because what i wanted to study i can’t even be motivated about it#i thought i had an idea of who i was but now im not that i can’t be that i have to readjust my whole life to be what i can w what is here#except i’m 28 and wdym some person took everything from me and it’s been almost half a year since the accident and i still haven’t really#made any progress except for random memories that don’t really help me and honestly they just pmo because it’s not helpful#like yeah sure my back and shoulders don’t hurt as bad but now it have recurring pain while i didn’t have before so is it progress? like#in that time the most progress is that yesterday i realized that im probably depressed but i can’t afford a therapist rn so i just have to#keep repeating this nonsense until i can afford or i get the settlement money but most of that will go to said bills and the lawyer fees#again it’s capped and divided so yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 👍#anyways my silly little things will have to get me through this till i can actually get through this#but it’s fine it’s not like i had already gone to the therapist and had worked on these issues before and it’s not like i spent money on#that either to only be put back in that situation only worse lol def not in a cycle 🧍♀️
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on a scale of 1-10 how silly would it be to ask folks to pray that I find a piece of jewelery I lost. It's not particularly valuable monetarily but its very precious to me and Im afraid I lost it outside of the house. I cant find it anywhere it should be. It could be in the pocket of the either the pajama pants or outside pants I wore the last day I saw it (the 19th) or it could be buried under something in my old bedroom, or it could be at my friend's moms house or somewhere between here and there. Trying not to stress over it but its just become precious too me.
#Its just one of those shark bracelets from one of those scam ocean charity sites#But I have used it as a grounding tool to help me focus when I need to get my head on straight so its been through a lot with me#a replacement just wouldn't be the same either plus I don't want to give more money to scam charities than they already get#and writing this out is helping me calm down about it#as Im writing I realize that I tend to freak out a lot when I realize that something precious is missing and can't chill out until I find i#and thinking about it. I know exactly where that stems from#not something I ever considered before but a lot of things precious to me got burned when I was little#and at one point I repressed the memory and would search for things that got burned up for hours because I had no idea where they went#but yeah anyway Im gonna try to chill. It'll turn up Lord willing#Im just scared I lost it in my friends old house or somewhere between here and there and I'll never see it again#I do not like it when things like that disappear I do not like it at all#I just worry about all the possible places it could be lost forever in or where it could have gotten ruined#I also just have ADHD forgetfulness so I get paranoid I left it like in a walmart bathroom or something#I know I didn't but I have almost lost things that way before#Like even if it is just gone and lost forever I just want to know where it is#merkerler speaks#prayer request#bc I am spazzy about these things#need to be careful about it bc it mirror's some of my dad's OCD tendencies
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so many things are clicking with that definition of ocd
guess i should bring it up next time i talk to my adhd lady
#shouting into the void#im not really sure what to call her#plus shes been asking about ocd stuff anyway#i just never realized that was what she was talking about#like yeah sometimes i have to do something just to get it out of my head or to get some kind of release#but i dont like have to click a pen ten times or else my family will die#i sort of did the same thing for social anxiety
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realized recently all the wizard ocs i have made fall into 4 categories of motivation
autism
ocd
wanting to use magic to kill people, just to be mean
inanna
#my ocs#so. i guess i should look more into ocd in order to be respectful about it#i didnt intend to include it originally but then when thinking abt characters like yiming where its like yeah hes constantly tormented#by obsessive thoughts about how he could be doing better and is usually miserable as a result#i was like this sounds kind of familiar yk. i dont want to exaggerate it or use it for angst or anything like that bc it feels extremely#tasteless lol#also dont want to portray moral ocd as like a positive productive force for obvious reasons#anyway it is kind of funny to me like what the fuck is wrong with jaime. joanna is the other person in the evil category but she was like#a prodigy with insane skill and the rest of her character stems from there#whereas jaime's character is pretty much just abusive murderous asshole. did he just believe in his own superiority that much#cant stress enough how it is very very difficult to do magic. idk maybe he was like cursed#as a child and so had familiarity with magic from a young age. to an unusual extent yk#sure whatever ig that makes sense. zeolans shield backstory written here for you all live#ok also autism category is rocio and malachi#ocd category is shamash yiming and rocio again#evil category is jaime and joanna#inanna category is inanna#angelica should also be in the inanna category tbh. i have never drawn her she died many years before the story started. shes low on the#lore iceberg lol#should rename the category to girl who is cool and swag
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