#anyways trying to get on the path of bettering my financial situation

[ikkan]

y’all the longer i keep living in this house, the more and more i lose my sanity…

[alyjojo]

January 🎆 2023 Monthly - Aquarius

Whole of your energy: 9 Pentacles

You’ve got an eerily similar theme to Capricorn going on here, with oracles and colors anyway. Some of you could have it in your chart. Your reading is amazing, and so is your energy. Two 9’s together show you pleasing yourself, buying what you want, doing what you want, feeling totally pleased and secure in your own independent energy, relationships, and financially too. You could be buying yourself birthday gifts, which two Aquarians in my life are famous for. Pick out whatever odd, random, niche, tech thing you want and just say “it’s from them”, whatever works 😆 #treatyoself

What’s going on in January:

10 Cups:

Between this and The Sun, having 6 Wands following this energy, you’re at the top of whatever it is that you’re up to these days. Couldn’t be happier is more like it. You’re probably celebrating events or birthdays with people you love, you have good relationships with the people in your life. You could be gaining recognition or positive attention in some way, 9 Pentacles could refer to a business venture that’s taking off successfully and is financially rewarding as well. No winter blues here, you’re living the dream in January.

8 Wands:

Followed by Knight of Swords and Justice, something is happening so fast your head could spin, and it’s connected to success, possible promotion, “fame” on some level in whatever you do. Positive attention. If you’ve been waiting on a decision to be made, or have been waiting to make one yourself, that’s happening in the most balanced, truthful, and fair way. You could have a ton of messages in your inbox or people you’re corresponding with.

The Sun:

It doesn’t get better than The Sun ☀️ Especially where romance and friendships are concerned, you’re very happy to celebrate with those around you, and your relationships are very happy. Birthday is obvious, but there may be even more than that to celebrate with all of these celebratory cards, you could be receiving some really good news. If you’re in a relationship or seeing someone, they could be doing something romantic or the two of you are going out on really fun dates together. I don’t think this reading can be beat.

2 Swords:

Someone could be coming back around that you’re hesitant to get involved with, or just someone nosy, could be a friend of yours. When it comes to gossiping about painful situations, maybe things you’ve been through in the past, or they have, you’re hesitant to even get involved with that. Cuz you’re good, you’re balanced, happy and peaceful. You’re probably very patient with others talking about stress in their lives, maybe helpful when it comes to advice and things like that, but you prefer to keep drama at arm’s length. You’re not welcoming tornados into your safe space, is the energy you’ve got with others.

The Fool:

You’re jumping into something new, something you’re very conflicted about, and it has to do with a return of something that was left behind at some point. Person, place, goal, or situation, this isn’t specific, just that you’re not feeling very confident about this and aren’t sure you even want to. When you’re good where you are, what is there to look back at? If others are feeling nostalgic or trying to pull you back, you’re not interested. You could also be jumping into something new in order to avoid going back to uncomfortable repeats in the first place, a clean break, the only way in your mind - is forward. The Fool is ruled by Uranus - Aquarius, though he also represents Aries as well. Sudden, impulsive & spontaneous decision making, he doesn’t know where he’s even jumping to, or where the path ahead will lead him, and Silver Cloud further pushes that message, but in this case you could feel that wherever you’re going is better than where you’ve been. Or you just feel lucky 🍀

Signs you may be dealing with:

Pisces, Libra, Leo, Gemini & Sagittarius

Oracles: ✨

20 Healing Energy 🤕

Drawing this card guides you to work with energy on a healing level. Take a class, go and receive a Reiki healing, or just sit in meditation and concentrate on mindfulness. With the healing energy of Divine love, you do not have to “know” how to do anything. Just sit quietly, set your intention and let Spirit’s love fill you up. When you are living in a vibration of healing, you not only affect yourself, but those around you. Others then can connect with your energy and their vibrations can rise as a result. There is no force to this. This is basically how energy works. Your vibrational change will effect change in the ones you are close to. Alternately this card signifies healing is taking place within a relationship.

We enter into January as:

Silver Cloud ☁️:

“Every silver lining has a cloud.”

If confusion is a familiar state for you, then you already know Silver Cloud. Clarity is only available by journeying with him for awhile. Through a willingness to be in confusion, we find clarity. You are to slow down, meditate, contemplate, rest. If you were to know what lies ahead, you might not take on the next task willingly. You’re not supposed to know, you will when it’s time. Bide your time in gratitude and know that clarity will come along the way.

What is to be learned in January:

The Loden Lesson 🪴

“It was by taking the right action that I found the road out.”

You must take action, do not expect that something is going to change without some doing on your part. It is also important to know that while things may seem bleak, that is only your perception. Life may feel difficult at present, but The Loden Lesson is simple, the only way out of stagnation is motion. If we decide to sit and do nothing, we must accept the responsibility of the decision. You may also be in a situation you feel is dead or finished. Pray for clarity, and wait for a response. It is vital that you do not make any decisions from an emotionally distraught state.

Green may be a lucky color 💚

[bunnybams11]

Life Update

Life is a mess. It's been 2 years since I graduated from college, and it is hard. After taking so many job opportunities that come my way, there's no one who has ever hired me. And I guess I am also terrible about getting my civil engineer license.

There's never been a day that I have been struggling. Finding myself stuck at every moment and always looking back at the past and wishing I have done better. I always tell myself that this journey of mine will have breakthrough someday but everytime I think and invite positive energy, it always hook me to my saddest moment of my life, the reality. 

I don't have any job experience aside from working part time as a assistant video editor working under my brother. I work from home and self taught to every little things about video editing. The couple of months as I start is very hard and struggling. I always find myself crying for every little details I don't know about video editing. It drains my soul that I don't even work the course I studied. It just, I grab the oppotutnity in front of me because I don't have a choice.  

Not until a year passed by. By the way, I didn't stop taking the board examination eventhough I can't concentrate to study everytime. I am tired of trying at everything, as if my luck has run out and all the opportunities have gone. It is telling me that whatever I do, I suck and can't move forward because I am a loser. And I hate that feeling.

Now that I decided to go far away from my home, to have new beginning and challenges that I know will help me. I want to apply again another job while waiting since I have to try and try right? and I tried again today to apply a job. Every cents I have to pay to get done that application; the sweats and effort to manage to get in; and that knowing today, after the pre-interview, I realize that i don't even qualify to be in that position and it tears me up that up knowing that until today I still suck at everything. I want to be gone in this world.

Actually, I am sad and tired. I felt really insecure to those around me that they have work to attend, they have the support they need, and even financially okay in things. I want to get out of this cycle and get my best in me, but I am tired and I don't know why even though there's so much to be thankful for. I am guilty that I even felt this way toward mylife.

To the future me, I hope you are doing well and happy. I hope that you in there is very busy working toward you dreams and goals in life. I hope you still hold to God even though your paths is very hard and rough. I hope you will find this and give a laugh because it turns out that life is going to be fine anyway.

Bam, I know you are struggling, overthinking, scared, lonely and discouraged. In this season, you need to strenghten your faith and believe that you have already won the battle. Don't be too hard to yourself and don't be too soft to the situation given to you. Toughen your ideals and ask the Lord to lead the way.

You have purpose in this world, remember that. You are important as everyone on this planet. And you are one in a billion favored in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Time will come and everything will set place according to His will.

Love you, Bam. Good job as always.

[mangooolassi]

Adulting and Changes - womanhood sucks

I can't believe that the last time I've posted something here was last year 2022 and those was my film pictures and not an actual post where I'm vomiting my feelings out on a social page in hopes some stranger would have a profound interest in my very boring life who am I kidding ? If I actually wanted someone to be interested I would put more effort in being more active but I am not. Also are blogs still it ?

To start off, I just want to talk about 2022. It was such a weird year for me. I actually started the year with a bang and a lot of laughter and happiness full with motivation after the whole shebang of me having to drop out of school because of financially issues (one day surely Grace you will fulfil this dream too but anyways) Biggest mistake I did was going back to a job I knew wouldn't be fulfilling my personal goal as an adult but I was scared to venture out of my comfort zone, I stuck with the bare minimum and then I think became a drag to everyone around me because I was that friend, that partner who kept complaining about her problems but doing nothing to fix it. Many months passed and I was still engulf, still loathing in self pity from the ones around me. Truly I felt so awful as a person now looking bad at the situation and how I could go around better at handling it. But it serves it purpose cause I've learned thing or two, which is STOP being a whiny ass bitch cause other people are facing things in their lives too and more importantly is to just go for it. So in November I packed up 20kgs of my clothes and whatever I had on my name and moved to another city for a job that I've no experience in but said yes too. I didn't even know where I'd be staying after the first week of crashing at my friend's place but I eventually found a place after and thank god I found a place and lucky for me its close to work. I ate great in December and the weight is still stuck with me even as I'm typing this post in mid February. Now, I'm just another 25 year old girl in a big city trying to navigate life and it honestly isn't as easy as I made it sound on Instagram but its alright. Adjusting isn't a problem but navigating especially in a field where I've never stepped foot before with so many big guns it feels overwhelming at times, and I do still allow myself to have a mental breakdown here and there (it works for me so) You know I actually miss 16-18 year old Grace cause she could have handle this better. She was stronger, she was filled with so much passion and drive those young blooded bullshit they talk about on TV ? Yeah, she had that and she knew what she wanted to do. But damn, 25 year old Grace isn't sure what is her purpose anymore. She's just going with the flow and so much inshallah . I guess the transition from girlhood to womanhood is realising that the world can crush you in so many ways but you just have to move forward and keep going even when the path looks foggy. Learning to trust the process and also internally having monologues when times get hard cause you are your only cheerleader. X

G

[aurosoulart]

(You really don't have to respond to this but I wanted to try anyway. But if you don't want to, I understand.)

I'm really struggling with my art right now since I started being pressured into thinking what I want to do in the future. I know that a lot of people don't end up following a clear path towards their goals and dreams and often struggle with paving it. Many are left unfinished and some take longer than others. But I just... I want to get into art but from where I am, it's not exactly a career that makes much money or one that's taken seriously. I know that's a situation that many artists face but it's seriously not taken as a very serious career where I'm from and artists from here often heavily depend on online connections or just end up going to other countries to either get better education or better job opportunities.

Since I began to think more about this, I've been really unsatisfied with anything I make. It's not good enough, not distinct enough, not as polished as others...just not the level I want it to be. So I try to improve and teach myself things I know I should improve on but...all it honestly did was discourage me. Everytime I make something, I just get frustrated because I'm not getting the results I want. It's been like this for...a while. A cycle of frustration, envy, doubt, and hopelessness. I get envious of my friends who do better and get frustrated with myself for not being as good and for feeling jealous. It's been taking a serious toll on my mental health.

Now, all I can think about is considering a different career and just maybe do art on the side, like a lot of artists I know. But I just...I don't see myself doing anything else but art. I'm not good with academics. I struggle even more in that area which is why I always found solace in art. That's gone now. Hopefully not permanently but...yeah.

I just don't know what I want and if that really matters compared to what I need to do to even have a future. I just don't know...

aw anon first of all I want to say that it's not a burden at all to answer questions like this and I'm honored you shared in the first place - art has a reputation for being a competitive and cutthroat field where we're all against each other, but it doesn't have to be that way 💖

this became very long so I'm putting it under a readmore so I don't assault your dashes with a wall of text:

you're definitely not alone in any of these feelings. ALL the artists I know (even the successful ones who have steady careers out of it!) feel this struggle against capitalism, against losing enjoyment, against not feeling good enough and being treated like content machines amidst a society that has lost its connection with the fact that art is the foundation for everything.

it can feel like you're living in a kind of twilight zone when you're trying to pursue art (which is something I believe is fundamental to human nature) while also trying to make a living off of it in a capitalist society that doesn't value artists but simultaneously makes billions of dollars off us! (videogames! movies! television!)

as artists we need love and enjoyment for our craft to create good art and get the drive to improve it, but the very thing we're reaching for (financial success) is the thing that sucks all that joy right out of it. it's common for people to finally break into the industry only to get chewed up and spat right back out again due to the mistreatment within it.

I think every artist at some point in their life reaches this point (the point you're at now) and has to decide... is this really worth it? should I just settle, get some other job, carve out bits of time where I can to create (something, anything) on my time off?

and a lot of people do settle! they eventually find a balance between their day jobs and their creativity, or, tragically, some give up on art altogether. it's a very personal decision and there's no shame in taking this path - in fact everything you wrote up there is stuff I consider heavily even now. (I don't make a living wage yet either and am still at the very beginning of my art career)

but there is one question that always stops me from giving up, and this is the question we should ALL ask ourselves no matter what: what do I want to do with my life? all mental obstacles, societal expectations, prior assumptions aside, what do I want to actually do with my precious time spent alive in this universe?

the answer is always to make art, to connect with and be kind to other people, to find out what art they want to make and to use my skills to help them create it.

my life path has been wildly strange as a result of me following these goals - I've struggled terribly with mental illness and have relied entirely on others (like my parents, my friends' parents, my bf) for a place to crash while I did odd jobs (I even applied to live in a commune once!), but I've mostly accepted that my 'career' path isn't going to be able to meaningfully compare to anyone else's, and as long as I'm making progress and giving back to my loved ones, it's still worthwhile to pursue. and, while progress has been slow compared to other people, I've still come so far and I wouldn't dream of trading my life for another's.

I know it's incredibly difficult but the best thing you can do is stop comparing yourself to anyone else. you have a wealth of experience within your own life, your own memories, skills, and unique perspectives, and that uniqueness is incompatible with comparison. 'could be' and 'should be' are lies our brain tells us when we're brought up in competitive societies.

what do you like? what brings you joy? how can you bring creativity into those things, and how can you share it? what did your creativity feel like as a child? what did you dream of then, and how far have you come now?

asking myself these questions always helps me when I'm in this spot, doubting everything, feeling hopeless.

remember, life is precious, and we are here to create, but also to feel. joy, envy, grief, love... all of it goes hand-in-hand with creation, and that creation is how we make sense of this life. there's a deeper meaning to all of this, and losing sight of that and trying to rush ourselves into a successful career without making space for play, joy, and love will often lead to pain.

I wish you luck with your journey - and I hope things get easier for you in the future. 💛

[twentytarot]

wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? sorry that i kinda dropped off the map there, but you know how it is. life calls when it does. anyway, today we’re doing a reading on your next five years. for this reading in particular, if you’re drawn to more than one group then i’d suggest you read them both, because 5 years is a long time and it’s definitely possible for bits and pieces of your prediction to be scattered around this reading. devise a strategy that works for you even, for example, if i’m drawn to pile 1 first and then 4, maybe the beginning of pile 1 is more relevant to me but the end of pile 4 will resonate more. enough of my rambling, on to the reading!

*year 1 means from now till year from now, year 2 1-2 years from now, and etc.

PILE ONE: GLASS PANELS

overall, the next five years has you waiting for the right moment to begin living. currently you are stuck in a place where you’ve been hurt and betrayed— yet you cannot leave yet. you’re probably trying to plan a way out, but perhaps, surrounded by the unbreakable glass panels in your life, you’ve come to the same conclusion as me: it’s not going to be any time soon. for the next two years, you will have no way out. however, you will become much more resilient so that 3 years from now, you have the power and strength to break out of your current situation and build your dream life. it seems that there will be a lot of movement leading up to this event; perhaps you will be moving house and leaving most of the people around you now behind. whatever the case, in year 3, you will be building a new foundation for yourself. if there are responsibilities and duties you cannot fully leave behind from your past, you will learn to balance them in year 4. in year 5, you’re building up your finances, having found your footing at home and at work. finally, five years from now, you will finally feel like you are in a place where you can feel stable and secure financially and emotionally.

in other words, the main message for you is “one step at a time”. you will have the life you want, but it will take a while. for now, you will have to heal your inner wounds and learn to brave the coldest of storms on your own. then, the next step will be to gain the courage to forge ahead and create a foundation that will allow you to build your life the way you want, away from the toxic people that you have had to rely on. once you have found your own independent footing, then the next step will be to go after you want, especially in career and life purpose. don’t be afraid if things start coming down, almost no one goes through their 20s and 30s without having to destroy something fundamental. finally, once you have learned to juggle all of this alone, the final piece will fall into place, and that is the rest of the world. friends, a new family, and days that make you so excited you want to sleep early so that the sun rises faster tomorrow. this is a long journey, but i’m confident it’s worth it. you got this! :)

PILE TWO: APPLE PASTRIES

for the next five years, you will ride a wave that brings you to the top of the world, and then you’ll prepare for the next chapter in life. we start off in year 1 with you being a little unsure of what it is you want to do long-term— perhaps you’re aware that it’s about time you start settling on a path with how responsibilities are piling up, but you’re also rather reluctant to let go of all your ideas and inspiration. that’s alright, you don’t have to decide just yet. in year 2, things get a little more exciting in the personal department: you might meet your future spouse, get engaged, get married, or even have a kid, depending on where you are in personal life right now. i’m leaning towards you being pretty young and just beginning to entertain the idea of marrying your special someone. whether it’s navigating a new relationship or wedding planning, you’ll be pretty caught up in it in year 2, and your work life will naturally fall into the background. not for long, though, because someone enters your life in year 3 and they don’t have your best interests in mind. they’re not out to get you, but they also don’t care if they had to step on you to get higher. this person brings you a whole lot of clarity on your life purpose and career, though, and so you transform your life quite rapidly, especially in view of the fact that you’re getting older and it can’t be helped, you’re going to have to start making some commitments. the transition is very successful and in year 4 you reap all the benefits. you are like water, you balance the push and pull effortlessly like the waves, you bring energy wherever you go, you complete the cycle and finish what you start. you’re in a position to give advice now, and people begin to look up to you. life’s... well, it’s actually pretty good.

year 5 is whole new chapter, likely on patience. the bliss of making it through one chapter in life never lasts long enough, and it is time for your life to move on. take care of yourself and always be open to growth. take the people that will betray you as lessons on how to better watch out for and protect yourself. wield the sword of clarity with conviction. before you know it, everything else will follow.

PILE THREE: FLAT WHITE

your next five years is about breaking free. you are often harshly judged by the people around you, and it’s like you can never catch a break. you wished for a peaceful getaway, and your wish is only partially granted. let me stop for a second and explain. for example, if you’re harshly judged at work, you might be able to get out of working with the particular team that makes your life difficult, but you won’t be able to leave the company entirely. something like that. you’ll have to do more than what you’re doing right now to truly get out of this situation. thankfully, towards the end of year 2, your heart hardens. enough is enough, you decide, and with your sharpened sword, you go after what you want.

the battle in year 3 is ugly. you say things you wish you didn’t have to, you do things in ways that keep you up at night. sometimes we don’t have a choice, though, because it was the only way you would be able to take what is yours and run. just in time, too, because in year 4, you will realise the stability you thought you were being offered was as strong as a house of cards. by defying expectations and going out on your own, you have nudged this house and cause it to topple. you get to watch from somewhere a little further away, but it’s still hard to deal with the questioning, the anxiety, the wondering whether you shouldn’t have left in the first place. no, darling, of course you should have left. year 5 is a year filled with so much more stability and happiness, it’s like you can’t recognise the person you used to be, the world you used to live in. if you thought that you will never truly make it out of there, my cards are here to tell you that there is a day where you will stop wanting to cry before you go to sleep, there is a day where the demons will shut up for good. so don’t give up! you’ll make it out of there if it’s the last thing you do, because that’s you: strong, persistent, and forever optimistic in your heart. and this personality of yours is what makes you lucky. when you want something with all of your heart, the universe can’t help but want to give it to you.

PILE FOUR: NIGHT

pile four, your reading is all about finding love! things are about to slow down for you now, and it looks like it will continue to be slow for awhile. and honestly, for you i don’t think that’s a bad thing at all, seeing as you are just coming out of having had to make difficult choices and work hard for what you want. for the next year or so, you’ll simply be continuing what you’ve started and letting the payoff roll in. in year 2, however, you’ll begin to look around at your life again and find out what is it you want next. at that point, perhaps you will come to the conclusion that it is love you’re looking for. or maybe it’s just excitement, since you’re pretty collected yourself. you’re the kind to meditate and sleep on things before you decide, and the person you meet in year 3 is decisively... not that kind of person. they’re hardworking, smart, funny and honest, but they’re also rather blunt and impatient. they’ll jump from one thing to the next without thought; they’ll argue with you through the walls of your room is it means they’ll win. you may wonder if this person is going to force you become their parent. well, no. this person has entered your life to show you that the world has so much more to offer if your just take the leap and jump. this person is here to show you that sometimes, you don’t sleep on decisions. you just go for it. once you begin to see the charm of this person, they will light up your life as a friend, a listening ear, then a worthy partner, then a worthy opponent, and then finally, in year 4... a worthy soulmate. and you will realise that taking risks is actually not as scary as it seemed, because this person is right next to you, and will be there to help you pick up the pieces should you fall. this might be a new feeling for you, because you come from a background of having to watch your own back all the time. being able to take calculated risks is what pushes one up from being a prince to a king. it pushes you and your life purpose to its full potential, and even if the ride of taking risks and forging ahead is rocky with this person in year 5, you will come out hardships closer than ever, stronger than ever.

[malleux]

☆ Day 1 - Prince Zhongli ☆

-> zhongli x fem!reader | royalty!au

-> fluff, conflict

-> warnings: mild cursing, fighting and blood, talk of human selling

-> “pick a prince” masterlist

a/n: day one! how’s everyone feeling about mr. zhongli? personally, i’m rather intrigued 👀 i hope you enjoy! sorry this is posted a little late at night, i didn’t realize how busy this week would be when i scheduled my event!

The library was somewhat of a safe space for you. It was where you ran when the burden of an entire country rested heavily upon your shoulders, giving you an outlet to simply live.

After the slightly traumatizing dinner your father had hosted with your seven suitors, you ran to the library. You knew your mother, who was also rather uneasy about the entire arrangement, was there and that provided yet another layer of comfort that you so desperately needed.

Your mother read stories to you that night- uplifting tales that did at least a little bit to lighten the mood you were in. She read book after book, not once stumbling over her words despite your tears staining the paper and making the words smear across. It was as if your mother had read these books to herself numerous times before, trying to comfort her own mind when she was put through a situation similar to your own.

She didn’t put down her books until you had cried yourself to sleep. Then, your mother gently laid you against the plush velvet of the couch, draped a light blanket over your form, and kissed your forehead, bidding you goodnight and wishing for a better tomorrow.

☆ ☆ ☆

“Um, excuse me?”

You scrunched up your nose and huffed, pulling your blanket closer.

“Princess? It’s well past morning. You may need to get up.”

Who the hell was talking to you?

Albeit reluctantly, you yawned and opened your eyes, sitting up to stretch. Suddenly, you were looking into a pair of amber eyes. They seemed to glow in the dim light of the library, looking at you with slight concern.

“Wh- who’s there?” You mumbled, scooting back on your seat to shy away from the man’s gaze.

“It’s- it’s Zhongli. Just Zhongli. We didn’t see you at breakfast, your father is a little upset.”

“Shit- I missed breakfast?” You were wide awake in an instant.

“Such language is rather unbecoming of a princess, don’t you think?” Zhongli’s smirk gave away his playful comment, and you couldn’t help but laugh a little as well. “Anyways, as far as your father is concerned, I saw you earlier this morning. You weren’t looking too well so I sent you to take a long bath to relax. After breakfast, you showed me the library, which leads us here.”

You sighed in relief, thankful that Zhongli had practically saved your ass from a long lecture. He outstretched his hand and you took it, allowing him to help you stand up fully.

“Why don’t we take a walk through the market? You can tell me more about yourself and spend some time away from the stressful castle life.” Zhongli offers.

“Gods, yes, please.” You agreed, and allowed the polite prince to whisk you out of the castle.

The market was bustling at this time of day. It was early enough for the sun to warm the faces of your citizens, but cool enough to not scorch those who may venture away from the shaded roofs of the market stalls. You held tightly onto Zhongli’s arm as he browsed the goods your kingdom had to offer.

“This is a beautiful necklace, Princess.” He held up a dainty neck piece, the emblem of your kingdom hanging delicately off of a small golden chain.

“Buy it then.” You mused. Zhongli had been window shopping for a while now, and yet you hadn’t seen him buy a single thing he claimed to like.

“Unfortunately, that’s not possible.”

“Uh, why?” You quirked an eyebrow. With how Zhongli acted and dressed, you were sure he’d be able to afford everything in the market twice.

“I, um, seem to lack the funds.”

Maybe not.

“Aren’t you a prince? Shouldn’t you have money?”

“I suppose- anyhow, look at the gems over in this stall. Do you believe they’re real, or are your citizens being scammed by a merchant?”

He was avoiding the question.

You didn’t understand. If he was a prince, then his financial situation should be rather promising, right? What was there to hide? Unless, he wasn’t actually a prince?

No, you shook your head. Your father wouldn’t have invited him to the castle if his background was even slightly sketchy.

Where did he go?

Zhongli had disappeared from the gem stall he was at previously. You looked around the area, trying to scout him out. He should have been easy to find, standing out amongst the rather bland clothes of your citizens, but you saw nothing.

You began getting a little worried. You were dressed down, wearing a cloak and a hood that shadowed your face from most people’s views, but you were still a beautiful young woman. Even your lovely kingdom wasn’t a stranger to crimes.

Pushing forward, you started to make your way through the crowd. You considered just going back to the castle, but Zhongli didn’t know his way back. You had to find him. The only way he could’ve gone without you noticing was forward. Your forcefulness while moving through the market streets didn’t go unnoticed as people began giving you glares, whispering harsh comments as you shoved past. You couldn’t care less, you were on a mission to find Zhongli and go home-

“Shit!”

You cursed as arm shot out and grabbed your bicep, yanking you between two stalls and into a narrow alleyway. Even more hands grabbed at your clothes and mouth, trying to keep you from yelling out.

“You look like you’ve got it real good.” A harsh voice spoke against your ear. You shuddered. A cold object rubbed against your cheek and you felt a contrasting warmth trickle down to your chin. Whether it was blood or the tears you were trying to hold back, you couldn’t tell.

“What’s in that nice little sachel you’ve got there?” Another hand grabbed at the bag around your torso. “I bet you’d be just fine without it.”

He pulled it off of you and threw it to the ground, letting a third man rummage through it. You stayed quiet, afraid to let out even a whimper as the first man pulled the hood of your cloak back. You heard his breath hitch a little bit.

“Now this is a sight.” You could hear the smirk in his words. “The little princess, all alone, with no knight in shining armor to help her. Forget the bag, she’ll go for a pretty penny worth way more than anything in that shitty old thing. C’mon, Princess, let’s get movin’.”

“You’ll have to get through me, first.”

Tears of relief fell from your eyes now at the sight of the very man who had inadvertently gotten you into this situation in the first place. He stood in the entrance of the alleyway, the sun shining behind him as if he were some god, appearing for the first time to come save you. Some broke, secretive, oddly polite god.

The first man sneered. “Yeah? What are you gonna do? Can’t get that dandy little suit of yours dirty.”

Zhongli practically scoffed. “I could deal with you lot without even wrinkling it.”

He rolled his sleeves up. “Let’s see about that.”

He charged at Zhongli, swinging his fist wildly at the prince’s face. Zhongli dodged the punch, stretching his leg out and sweeping the man’s legs out from under him. He fell to the cobblestone beneath him and Zhongli stepped on his chest, pressing his weight onto his body until he was gripping his ankle, begging for a break.

The second man came next, leaving the third, scrawniest man to try and hold you back. While Zhongli was dealing with him, you snapped your head back and smashed into his nose. The guy let go and grabbed onto the definitely-broken cartilage, practically helpless as you swung at his face again.

You backed up from him and ran into someone’s chest, jumping when their arms wrapped around your shoulders once more.

“Easy, Princess.” Zhongli’s deep voice immediately soothed your guard. “I apologize for losing you.”

You turned around. “I lost you.”

“No, no,” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small bag, handing it to you. “I thought you were occupied looking at the gems, so I snuck away to get this. I didn’t realize you’d go all over looking for me.”

Zhongli placed the bag in your hands and you opened it up. In it, the necklace he had shown you earlier. You smiled at him and held it out to him, turning around so that he could put it on. The feeling of Zhongli’s fingers against your bare neck sent a small shiver up your spine- one you wouldn’t mind feeling again.

“Thank you, Zhongli.” You smiled at him, “But, if you didn’t have any money, how did you get this?”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” The prince replied. “Come, you’ve had an eventful day. I think tea and a nap is in order.”

He held his arm out for you once more and you took it, leading the way back to the castle. You couldn’t help but gaze at the man through the side of your eye, grateful for the sweet gift.

You quit wondering how he bought it when you noticed that he was only wearing one expensive earring, as opposed to the two he had started out his day with.

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[thisdreamplace]

I don’t know really why i see most blogs talk about how you don’t need to have your desire to be happy but at the same time preach accepting the 3d i can only do one of the both. its so mental draining to me to force myself to be happy with current circumstances when some of us really are in hard situations like financials or exams or just need anything to be happy about to just say “happiness is a choice” it is not that easy or simple because if i am happy without my desire why do i want it at the first place? This concept makes zero since & put unnecessary pressure on people. the whole feeling thing fucked me up in law of attraction days i am not going to do me like that ever again.

yeah, that’s true. i totally get your frustration. i know what you mean, because i have definitely felt the same things before and yeah, i’ve definitely had my fair share of tough circumstances since starting this journey. and i think sometimes, what happens is, not everyone is coming from the same place internally. and what happens is, the advice is shouted at us like it’s one-size-fits all. and it sounds easy and simple and “manifest overnight !” so we all cling onto this advice because it’s so ideal. gag is though, we’re all on our own individual journeys and some of us eventually find out there’s other paths we have to take that deviate from the “norm.”

now the hard part. if this doesn’t resonate — i promise y’all you can find a blog that sings your tune ! :)

so anyway, if i can tell you anything, one thing i learned from this journey is that neville does not have a whole book called “feeling is the secret” for nothing — yeah, the feeling is important actually. and on top of that, yeah. your feelings are totally a choice. so many people hate to hear that — and i hated it so much too. until i got so damn tired of everyone’s one-size-fits-all advice not working for me. and so i took control of my feelings, and practice choosing how i want to feel daily. and then it became clear — oh, i actually can choose how i want to feel. i’m not a victim after all.

the thing about the law is that — yeah. we are being told to relearn the way we live. you keep your circumstances around because you’re too busy hating them, waiting for life to change so you can finally feel better. and we find out about the law and find out — oh i can have whatever i want. i just have to accept that i am ALREADY that which i want to be. okay, so if i am already living in my desired reality, am i miserable ? am i thinking about how much i hate my circumstances ? nah. this is why it’s so important to understand inner fulfillment and know that consciousness is the only reality. because then the 3d stops being an excuse for why you “can’t” feel better and you realize you actually do have a choice despite the circumstances.

aaaaand this is why i’ve been promoting healing more often. because when you’re still using your 3d as an excuse and feeling so flustered over it all — it just shows that maybe allowing yourself to focus on feeling good first is actually beneficial. and that is how people get fucked up because they try to force happiness over all that needs healing. but eh. you know what they say. you don’t have to heal — and you don’t. but it sure does feel good to feel good. so it’s your choice. really. and that’s kind of… the heaviest part in all of this. it actually always is a choice.

so yeah. this is just my take because i know what it’s like to be on both sides now. 💖

[tangent101]

An interesting Life is Strange writing concept

I just recently stumbled across an interesting concept for Life is Strange in which Alex Chen was adopted by the Caulfield family and went to Blackwell with Max... and it got me thinking.

First, I need to say this outright. I am using this fanfiction's idea as a launching point for brainstorming of concepts and ideas. My ideas are no better or worse than the fanfiction. This other story is fantastic on its own and does not need my input and this is not a criticism of the story. Instead, it's an examination of a basic concept: What happens if Alex Chen were to be adopted by the Caulfield clan.

The first thing to consider is this: Alex is a psychic. She is predominantly empathic and can get flashes of thoughts when emotions are intense enough and/or she focuses on what that person is thinking. So... this has caused a number of fostering situations to fall through.

Interestingly enough, there is a point when the Caulfield clan could have taken in Alex before this became an issue... and that's when Alex was 11 and first put into the foster care system. Foster parents are actually given a stipend to help pay for the financial expenses behind caring for a child, and in theory that could have been enough money to keep Ryan and Vanessa from moving out of Arcadia Bay.

But let's say that they actually adopted Alex (and thus potentially forfeited that financial boon). Would they adopt Alex and abandon Gabe to the system? Would we have two kids becoming Max's big brother and kid sister?

In this situation, Chloe would obviously know that Max has siblings now. And what's more, I cannot help but think that Alex, with her burgeoning psychic abilities, would push Max to either stay in contact or get back in contact with Chloe.

Okay, let's change things up. Alternative Reality #2 had the Chen family uproot themselves as Alex's father looked for employment. He ended up working at the docks in Seattle but losing his job when the incident happens that resulted in Social Services putting Alex and Gabe in the foster system. Alex languishes in a foster care system that is not good. Gabe ends up in Juvie. And when Alex was 14, she ends up fostered to the Caulfield family.

At this point, it's 2011. Max has been out of contact with Chloe for several years. She is pining though. And Alex, with psychic nerves rubbed raw, likely has come across several instances of this. Max, being the sort of person who hates causing a commotion, would not tell her parents about any weirdness and indeed if her parents were getting weirded out likely would come to Alex's defense. So after a small waiting period you end up having Alex adopted by the Caulfield clan... with emerging psychic powers but a family that is far more comforting and caring than the foster care system.

Alex knows how much Max misses Chloe. Yes, it's been a couple of years. But Alex herself has had friends in the foster care system that she has fallen out of touch with, others that ditched her, and she likely knows what it's like to be abandoned. Alex likely would push Max to get back in touch with Chloe early on.

I can't help but think that Max would succumb to Alex's good-intended urging on this. So Max contacts Chloe. She sends a text.

Let's say that Rachel intercepted the text. She blocks Max's number. Chloe doesn't need that drama in her life. (Bad enough that Joyce is constantly bringing up Max, and Chloe is having trouble letting her go. It's better this way. Sometimes you have to move on. Jealousy has nothing to do with this.)

Or maybe David confiscated Chloe's phone and blocked the number and deleted the text because Chloe doesn't need old friends when he's trying to break down this young soldier to rebuild into a productive member of society according to his military mindset (HA!) and Rachel's innocent in this.

Alex wouldn't just let this drop. Anyone who's played True Colors knows how stubborn our young lady is. And she's driven by psychic powers as well that are blossoming under a more loving home. Wouldn't Alex follow up with her own text? And Rachel or David likely wouldn't intercept every text or block her as well. Hell, she might go for broke and call Joyce. And Joyce sure as blazes would make sure that Chloe knew Max was contacting her. (And that Max has a sister now.)

So Chloe is now in touch with Max. The roadblocks are quite important because if Rachel blocked Max's number, then this is going to cause a bit of a blowup that weakens Chloe and Rachel's relationship, while if David were the culprit then Joyce is going to have words with him (as she loves Max and sees her as not only a second daughter but a stabilizing influence).

Of course, there is always possibility 3 - neither David nor Rachel tried to block Max's efforts to contact Chloe and that went off without a hitch but where's the fun in that? XD

Anyway, Alex would be urging Max to remain in touch with Chloe. She would also likely notice that Max is crushing hard on Chloe and may very well push Max down that path. And given that Rachel was flirting with other people... well, Max being back in Chloe's life could do one of two things - either draw Rachel closer into Chloe's circle out of jealousy, or give Rachel reason to push Chloe toward Max and do her own thing while remaining friends with Chloe.

I like Rachel. I can't help but think it would be #2, especially given what we know about Rachel from the original Life is Strange. She cared deeply for Chloe and didn't want to hurt her. So... yes, I can see Rachel helping encourage Chloe to let bygones be bygones and to pursue her own romantic leanings toward Max. We'd have shippers on either end pushing the two together (Alex pushing Max and Rachel pushing Chloe).

It might even be amusing and interesting to see Rachel and Chloe drive up to Seattle to meet Max and for Rachel in that situation to meet the mysterious Alex Chen who she's been texting and possibly flirting with on the phone. (Amberchen? Hmmm...)

One other thing that is likely to happen is that Max would be a stabilizing influence on Chloe's life. She is a pressure valve even as Rachel was more of an instigator. So with Max urging Chloe to focus more on school, we may very well see Chloe starting to apply herself more to her classes. And if Chloe doesn't get kicked out of high school then David has one less thing to rail against Chloe with.

Rachel and Chloe would graduate a year before Max would (and two years before Alex). With Max back in Chloe's life, and a new friendship growing between Alex and Rachel? Then we may very well see Rachel less desperate for an escape because now there is a plan. Go to college with Chloe up in Seattle. Sure, it's not California but there are other advantages to the region (including legal weed!) and having good friends there would be reason enough. She escapes Jeffershit's death trap by never getting close to him. Nor does she get close to Frank. Similarly, Max has no reason to go to Blackwell because Chloe is coming to Seattle!

And Alex? Alex gets a home life that is far more loving than what she went through in the original timeline. And she has good friends... which will be useful when on October 13, 2013 a truly nasty storm strikes Arcadia Bay, wiping out most of the town and killing hundreds of people including the student body of Blackwell Academy. Because fate is a fickle bitch and Chloe Price wasn't dying as a sacrifice in a bathroom in Blackwell Academy. But you know? While Chloe, Rachel, and Max grieve... Max never blames herself for something outside of her control, and the girls never went through the horrors of the original Life is Strange.

Well done, Alex! You saved the day once again! ^^ And amusingly enough, when Max, Chloe, and Rachel go with Alex to meet her brother Gabe, Max is on hand to witness Gabe's death, her powers emerge, and she saves Alex's brother... but that is a different story. ;)

[mashi-sims]

6 Popular tropes that fit #Cooliver

1. Friends to Lovers. Duh

This is the most obvious one, and I wanted to start with this one because if Cooper and Oliver ever become canon, this is what their relationship would be.

In my head, Friends to Lovers is always problematic because it’s easy to lose a beautiful friendship to a mediocre romantic relationship, as has happened to many LGBT couples on TV, but if done correctly, it warms my heart and makes sparks of joy fly all around.

The journey of their friendship not only as a partnership but as a mutual beneficence that helps them both grow and develop as their individual selves, helping each other find their own path, confidence in themselves, inspiration and motivation to fulfill their dreams, ultimately becoming better individuals aiming to transform into the best versions of themselves they can be, *voice intensifies* all while being together and offering each other’s company and support, becoming accustomed to being next to one and other and not being able to imagine a life without the other, slowly developing emotional ties that make them consider if a different kind of love exists, and them exploring it and realizing that, in fact, THERE IS. That type of slow build that transforms into a romantic relationship because they both agree they are each other’s most treasured person and they want to stay in each other’s lives forever, that’s some GOOD STUFF.

2. Fake Dating

The reason why I believe a good fake dating au can get so popular, is because it can offer a pretty natural transition between “Not having any kind of feelings”/”Being unaware of their feelings” to “Oh, my gosh I am in love with this person what do I do”, and it can be so heart-wrenching it’s addictive.

In a beautiful world, Oliver is totally in love with Cooper and he just doesn’t know it yet, and there’s where this trope comes in handy.

There’s a number of reasons why two characters may start fake dating; getting someone off their backs, making someone jealous/angry, needing a date for a special occasion, or getting some odd financial benefit from it, if you’re willing to take it as far as getting married and having to pretend to be actually married so nobody know their marriage is a scam.

They agree to start fake dating or to start introducing each other to other people as their boyfriends, because Cooper wants these interested girls (and boys) in his money to go away, or because Oliver is the only single one at his ballet and he doesn’t want to go to after-show celebration alone, and after one or many fake dating moments, they start realizing they don’t need to act or pretend to act a certain way at all, because there’s stuff they’d normally do with or say to each other, or at least the trust or the reliance is already there. 

Think about the inevitable time where they do have to stop acting like fake boyfriends and they start missing it, or when they mid-date realize there’s something real between all that pretending and now they don’t know what to do about it, imagine the conversation they’d have when they realize they can’t go back to being friends anymore.

3. N Things

This one is more like a writing strategy than an actual trope, but it still works. We’ve all read the “4 times they almost kissed, and one time they did” or the “3 times they said I love you to someone else, and one time they said it to each other”

Okay, now hear me out- how about, “3 times Oliver said Cooper wasn’t his boyfriend, and one he didn’t have to”, or “5 times Oliver said he wasn’t gay, and one time he couldn’t”? I’m down for that.

The heart of this trope is the repeatability of a certain joke, a comment or an unfortunate event and that’s obvious it’ll turn itself around, and it’s that one moment that finally comes which makes you want to dance under the rain.

To me, the amount of times Oliver’s had to tell other people that he isn’t gay or that Cooper’s not his bf (Cooper also said it once) is the perfect starter to this “n things” strategy.

Come on, American Housewife! You’re making it too easy for me to expect that one moment when it all turns around!

4. Babysitters

Neither of these boys is ever shown to be a kid-person nor to have a soft spot for babies, or anything like that! Like, at all! Their whole characters are based around the facts that they are both money-driven, superficial, and self-absorbed (although in the process of becoming better than that), and we barely ever get to see them pouring their hearts out or letting their guard down.

Therefore, imagine a day where Oliver is forced to babysit Violet (or another baby if there comes to be another one), and he’d undeniably be annoyed at the situation because this baby/toddler has ruined his plans, but Cooper obviously stays and helps him out because where else would he be?

It’s the times driving them both crazy when they don’t know how to make a baby stop crying, or when they’re deciding who should change the diaper because neither of them wants to; it’s the time when they’re both a mess because some chaos happened with the food or the paint while they were trying to come up with an activity.

Then it’s Oliver slowly coming down with baby fever as he’s trying make them laugh or when he’s walking around the room trying to make them fall asleep, and Cooper is in awe because he had never seen that side of his friend, and he had never expected it to look so damn cute, and Oliver had never expected Cooper to stay with him for a whole day just taking care of a baby.

It’s at the end of the day when they’re tired as hell but they agree that they had fun and that they’re glad they had each other to help out, and although they don’t say it, maybe it wasn’t so bad their original plans didn’t end up working out.

5. Hurt/Comfort

This is not a trope for everyone, you may love it, you may hate it, you may be indifferent, or you may be like me; somewhere in the middle but with some strong opinions. If done right, it can be a beautiful addition to the story of two characters in process of falling in love. If done wrong, it can victimize the characters in unnecessary ways or show them in a light that doesn’t suit them, thus making them feel out of character, which is every true fan’s worst nightmare.

Although, let’s focus on the small things; like characters holding on to their emotions for too long until they really can’t do it anymore, and they need somebody to help them out, even if they resist it, because in the end they’ll acknowledge they’re thankful for having them, and it also makes their relationship inevitably grow and develop, because there’s something really special about having someone you can truly be yourself with and knowing that they’ll stay, and they’ll help you through everything and make you feel like you’re going to be okay, even (and especially) during your worst moments.

(Although really toned down,) we’ve already seen this kind of comfort between the two; like when Cooper found out Oliver lied about his vacations, and he told him he didn’t need to lie to him out of all people, and that he could come on vacation with him whenever he wanted, or when Cooper’s parents ditched him and he confided in Oliver, who believed he had become tired of hanging out with him, and Cooper had to reassure him that wasn’t the case; those were small moments where we got to see them somewhat upset and being comforted by the other, and that’s when it feels like their friendship is strong and real.

The reason why I believe this trope fits them so much is because they are barely shown in a vulnerable state that allows them to have a sad plot where they’d need to be comforted, and it’s during times like these where you can really see their relationship grow.

Also, I want to point out that it’s not about romanticizing or sexualizing sadness, at all! It’s about using these moments to slowly build and give consistency to the relationship- don’t even get me started on how much I hate seeing and reading characters making out after having a breakdown.

6. Mutual Pining

Some people like to suffer, okay? Some of us like a good tragedy, and there’s nothing more tragic than two characters who are deeply in love with each other, but they’ve resigned to keeping it hidden deep down because they’re convinced the other doesn’t feel the same and they don’t want to lose them nor their friendship, even if it means having to live with a painful secret for the rest of their lives.

When you start having feelings for another person, you may be brave enough to let them now or try and see where things go, because you have nothing to lose, right? But what happens when it’s your best friend you have feelings for? There’s a lot there to lose if do things go wrong, and there’s no certainty that they won’t, so you might as well leave things as they are, because nothing would be more painful than to lose the person you love the most for making things weird because they don’t feel the same way...

And it’s completely frustrating to see two characters with the same internal monologue, because you know what IT COULD BE, but THEY don’t know that- and I love it.

There’s a million different ways this trope can play out, and it’s always so interesting to see where things go after both characters have resigned to never let the other one know how they feel, and then we get to see these destructive actions like dating other people because they think their feelings are unrequited, but they have no idea the other is in deep pain because of seeing the person they love with someone else... yes, a good tragedy!

Anyway, thank you for reading this rant and feel free to add to the list or make any of these come to life.

[plutoswrath]

i’m sorry to annoy you with this again. i just look up to your kpop mixed with astrology content. but lucas’s neptune contact with his mc is going to annoy the shit out of me until this is fixed. the cloudiness that neptune brings to his public image is something that i think possibly fuels these situations further. false accusations and mixed perceptions based off of them is exactly what makes these scandals to continue on and on. and i’m sick of it. both sides ignore what the other is saying and it gets nowhere. neptune, the malefic bastard.

Hello! I saw your recent asks and I appreciate your words regarding my content, thank you so much for the kind words! <3

I will touch on astrolgy under the cut, but before this happens, I want to leave a few words. There's a reason why I didn't answer the previous questions I received (not only yours op) regarding the Lucas situation so far. For several reasons I didn't want to feed into any sort of (perceived) sensationalism in regards to the Lucas situation, even though I'd really love to look at the situation from an astrological point of view. That people are divided on this topic is to be expected, but I think the way it has been handled by majority so far is very bad. I really want to elaborate on my reasoning why we should rethink the way we talk about/represent the Lucas situation right now, but as this topic is very kpop specific everything will be under the cut.

My reasoning for avoiding any questions about it until now:

1. People already don't take the situation seriously enough: Regardless of what your standpoint is, I'd like for people to consider looking at it from a more critical point of view for a second: The allegations are not about him being exposed as ‘just a f-boy’ as some people make it out to be, they are more serious than that. Lucas allegedly manipulated and used these women for his own emotional/sexual/financial needs and ego boost. The fact that he has money and allegedly still used other people to provide financially for him just demonstrates the power play underneath it all. He abused his position of power as an idol, the power dynamics between him and fans who idolize him are plain and simple just completely off. Please think about the fact, that he allegedly decided who to date on at fansigns. This alone gives no security to any fans that want to attend fansigns in the future. TW SV: he also talked one of these women into having sex with him + doing it unprotected, which is not only emotionally/sexually manipulative/coercive and can possibly be traumatic for them but also heightens the risk for transfering STD's as END TW he was supposedly seeing people at the same time/cheating. In general, the behavior he gets accused of leaves trauma and is abuse, to be more specific abuse of power on multiple levels and his social position makes it just easier to continue abusing that power. As you've mentioned yourself op, there is a huge back and forth about the allegations, and I know people like to take situations like the one of Taeyong as an example to justify that not every public apology is real and that allegations turn out to be false years later, but I believe it's different this time and that the allegations that came forward were real. Even his cbar closed, a fanbase that works closely with Label V (!), that alone shows that there is 'at least' some truth to the story, or else his hardcore fanbase wouldn't have decided to turn their back on him in matters of just days. Also, all the 'jokes' and the portrayal of 'juicy gossip' people make about the situation just downplays and ridicules the possible traumatic experiences of the people that were hurt by his actions. If anyone decides to not believe these allegations until SM gives a more specific statement, that's fine, but please do so without making fun of the people who were victims of his behavior, as there is already little to no sympathy for them online. It makes it just way harder for any survivors in the future to speak out on their experience. People say it's 'nothing illegal, just morally wrong' but given the fact that he is also a person in power, the line between 'just' morally wrong and illegal can be very thin in some cases. And please overthink arguments such as: 'this is typical boy behavior for someone in his 20's'/ 'he's just an f-boy' or 'boys will be boys' because they are deeply misogynistic and we shouldn't normalize behavior like that, thus making the root of the problem actually way deeper than most people think.

2. WayV's future: This mainly goes for people who are fans of WayV. I know not everyone probably likes to hear this, but another thing why wild speculations, sensationalism or even possible defence about this situation should be kept on the low is WayV's career. I want to be honest here, but I'm scared for their future, their comeback for october has been cancelled for now and they are put on a hiatus for several months as far as I know. They were on a good path of gaining more and more recognition and establishing themselves even better as a c-pop group, but now Luca's reputation in China (their target audience) is as good as gone and that pulls all of WayV down to rock bottom with him. People really need to try seeing the story out of the eyes of the korean and especially chinese fans as well, their perception of the allegations (especially after the Kris Wu situation!) are way different and more serious than the ones of i-fans and i-fans have to accept that. Also, we all know how companies (especially SM) handle these type of situations: keep the people on the low till the storm has calmed down. But will the storm ever calm down for Lucas when his public image is basically destroyed, and thus WayV as well? What I want people to understand is that this whole situation affects WayV and their career directly, actually on the biggest scale possible. All the work so far is at risk to be for good and I think a lot of fans tend to forget that, things look especially critical for HenXiaoYanKun if WayV would be to continue/redebute/fall apart. It doesn't matter if Lucas talking bad about the members/the companies/shows he works with/for was real or not in the end, because unfortunately damage is already done, WayV's image (WayV= family) is already tarnished and WayV as a group will suffer from this. You summed it up with malefic Neptune the best actually: We all don't know the full confirmed truth about the situation and will most likely never know it. (small astro insight here as well, but part of Neptune is to accept fantasy for what it is: fantasy, and thus turn to cold reality when you're in too deep)

3. What O'd advice the fandom to do right now: Regardless of your opinion on the situation, what we as a fandom can do best right now is staying on the low, wait things out, and stop adding more fire to the situation with our actions and wait how the situation actually developes, since a) we can not fasten the process and b) a lot of rumors, false information and unnecessary details get exposed to mudd the waters and to discredit the statement of the victims as well. I've seen some strong reactions from both sides, but as someone who's a big fan of nct in general I really just want to say that part of the fandom throwing a fit on the internet leads basically to nothing, it actually only reflects even worse on nctzens/weshennies and thus on WayV's (and also NCT as whole) image as well. Things right now are handled internal, not extern. Whatever gets through to the public will be half of the story anyway. A lot of people seem to forget, that we talk about SM and all they care for right now is saving themselves economically (think about the domino effect this situation has on the whole group/company), so we will have to see what their final decision is going to be, if anything will happen at all. For now, be patient, wait and see. Last words: It's okay to feel hurt/confused/angry/drained. Even though most of us are aware that we dont know any celebrity's character, it's still hard to swallow and to digest because you were a fan of that artist. Let it take time and vent. Take a break from it if it gets too much! Talking about it to process your emotions better is okay and very valid, but keep in mind that you should not worsen the situation by doing so - it's already absolute chaos.

Also: This statement is by no means a direct attack to anyone or me trying to push my opinion onto you, just my two cents in how to handle the situation best right now, because our hands are basically tied. Also: agree to disagree. If you don't like that I side with the victims (unless there is an official statement that Lucas is proven not guilty, which I doubt, unfortunately) then so be it, but don't start a war in my inbox for our opinions differing.

-------

Now, to astrology:

Disclaimer: This analysis will not be very light-hearted, but remember that it's just a theory and not me trying to confirm anything!

First of all op, sorry for just answering you know, but I neded some time to think through how to adress this without adding to the fire with my astrological analysis! Boy, does the birth time fit the shoe right now. To be fair as I did my short rising sign analysis about him recently, I cancelled out every other fire rising except for Leo, because I got stuck on the ego part a bit. Anything for me made sense, as long as it highlights his ego, which by itself doesn't have to be a bad thing automatically, but there's always two sides of the coin as we all know.

I looked into the transits the past week and added a few asteroids/mathematical points as well. An anon before pointed to the full moon happening in his tenth house, conjunct his sun, etc. (I deleted the ask because I didn't know what was going on at that time and thought it was just the 'usual' rumors that once in a while get spread around, but after looking more into it I decided this was not the right time to stirr the pot in any kind of way or treat it as funny, hot gos). But yeah a full Moon in Aquarius happening in his 10th house AND on top of that Saturn in Aquarius, conjuncting that Moon and his natal Uranus in the 10th! Talk about destrcution of any stable foundation and a change in a public image! Honestly, looking at astrologically the way his public image just got radically destroyed over night, with Saturn and the Moon having been in a conjunction (in his chart it was in the 10th house) is kinda eery even. Talk about collective consciousness - not only exposing quiet literally the feelings of the collective, but also doing so in the favor of others and gaining collective emotional consciousness. Take this with a grain of salt (!), because we're still in a tense situation, but I'm tapping into the darker, unfriendlier side of astrology now. Taking his confirmed birth time, he has Nessus in Sagittarius in his 8th house and as I saw that I could feel myself shifting into the surprised pikachu face. I am not saying that this prooves the allegations whatsoever, but as you seemed to be very interested in anaylzing the case in-depth as well, the allegations fit his Nessus - jumping from partner to partner, carelessness (regarding physical intimacy as well), making people share all their ressources with him/finacial gain, and basically the whole jist of gaining control/being in a power position in intimate connections. Keep in mind that this is only one interpretation of Nessus though, Nessus can also show the complete opposite to someone 'turning to their dark side'. On top of that, his Nessus was conjunct transit Phollus the past week, so if anything, we can see that a large event triggered him to 'open his eyes' and face anything of an 'obstacle' that hinders him from seeing the 'truth' to a larger picture and his own nature/destiny. Pholus can symbolize change that will alter your perception of the responsibility you have for yourself and others.

But my latest new interest with these two asteroids aside (asteroids just add a little more nuance to a situation after all), I want to touch on Lilith too, since you (op) have mentioned Lilith before in one of your asks!

He has his Lilith exactly conjunct his Descendant when we consider his confirmed birth time. What happened just now can be seen as 'backfiring' of his actions, either Lilith embodying the women who expose him now for his 'inappropriate' behavior, but also simply fans shaming him now for his alleged manipulative/imoral behavior, especially shaming him about who he chose to date and how. Next to that, you've mentioned Lilith opposite Moon and it just makes me think about him possibly feeling very indecisive and potentially in denial about what he actually needs to be fulfilled in order to be emotionally happy and thus leading to him appearing to have this 'second, dark side' to him now. BML is not necessarily opposite the Moon in my opinion, it's just the side of the subconscious we don't really like to deal with and all we're told not to express and desire because it can be conflicting in the eyes of others (thus BML also leading to a lot of recklessness on the negative side). I think if we take the allegations into consideration, regardless of how much of it is true of it, it can be a good example what happens, when an opposition gets out of balance, as it also manifests outwardly a lot! Lilith shows in his 'double life' aka what he allegedly did with fans. Lilith wanted an outlet and found one by working behind the scenes. If we take in his supposed Taurus rising, which his Lilith is in an exact opposition with, it's a good example of what can lurk underneath the surface.

And of course, last but not least, Neptune and Sun conjunct his MC. People are quiet literally blinded by him more than they would like to think. Also: Lucas was always known for his 'flirty & charismatic' nature, this is another reason why people think we shouldn't be surprised he 'turns out to be like that in real life'. I'm not analyzing this argument right now, but what I think is very interesting is how Sun conjunct MC literally ties a good amount of their personality to their career - they want to be accepted and shine for their personality/big part of their individuality. Idols play a role, no matter how transparent they appear to us, but it's really funny how this 'image' of him melts almost seemingly with parts of his personality (almost af if you were to quiet literally sell your self) and as you've mentioned: Neptune only adds to that, unfortunately.

[emerald-studies]

Diverse Perspectives | Discussion 3

I sent some questions to @jasperwhitcock​ for her perspective as a POC woman and daughter of an immigrant.

[ It is required to participate and watch/read these discussions, in order to follow me. Participate or get tf out. We aren’t performative in my lil’ area on Tumblr.

This discussion isn’t representative of an entire population or meant to be super professional. It’s to share different perspectives and also is an opportunity for me to practice what I preach: intersectionality. If you’d like to participate in this series please send me a pm or an ask and I’ll get back to you ASAP. We can do a written, audio, or video interview.]

As a mixed person, do you feel isolated from your community?

J: If you mean community as in the community I currently live in, I’m fortunate enough to live in a very diverse place. Surrounding the city of Houston, there’s a lot of prejudice integrated into a lot of the suburban neighborhoods, but in terms of the city itself, I think the POC communities really uplift and support each other. I’m a concert photographer when there’s not a pandemic, and I’ve always appreciated the way latinos and black artists are respected in the indie community. Houston’s a very rap/hip hop/R&B city, so black artists are especially celebrated. There’s also great latinx bands that I know, latinx venue owners/employees, and latinx brands connected to the indie community. We’re very well represented in this area.

If you mean community as in the latinx community, I wouldn’t say isolated, but depending on the day, I might say that I can feel distanced at times. This isn’t particularly due to the latinx community itself, so much as it may be a distance that I create in my head. As a mixed person, I think there are times where you can feel confused on where you belong. I’ve brought up the quote before from the Selena movie, where Selena’s father Abraham is speaking on the potential difficulty of Selena being accepted in Mexico because of the fact she is Mexican American: “We have to be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans, both at the same time! It's exhausting!” It can be difficult at times to navigate your sense of belonging when you are in between two cultures because you want to recognize that you may have privileges someone of full Mexican descent may not have, but at the same time, your life is still very much defined by being Mexican and having Mexican blood while living in America too. You’re definitely not absolved from having latin experiences. Latina stand up comedian Anjelah Johnson made a joke in her stand up about there being a Latinx hierarchy. She said that Spanish speaking latinos are better than the rest of us who are not fluent in Spanish (such as herself), and it was funny because sometimes you do feel that that can be true. My tías will always ask me why I’m not fluent in Spanish, and my mom will be like “yeah, why don’t you?” and I’m always like… because y’all didn’t teach me! My parents speak Spanish to each other at home. My father is not only fluent in Spanish, but his Spanish is oftentimes superior to a lot of Spanish speakers according to my mom and my tíos. He used to teach English in Mexico, so there is no reason that my sister and I shouldn’t have been perfectly bilingual. The reason they didn’t teach us as children is because they didn’t want us to be speaking Spanglish. (Spoiler: it happened anyways). Around white people, I definitely feel that I am not a white person. I feel very much latina in a group of white people. But then around latin people, I sometimes feel white enough to feel a sense of shyness. I definitely feel more at home with latinx people, but overall in both groups, I definitely feel that I am mixed.

It doesn’t happen often, because I think although the majority of latinx people have pride in their background, the hyperawareness of our identities right now is relatively new, but there have been instances of latinx gatekeeping the latin identity. Growing up, I didn’t think about what I was labelled as or think about how my family structure is different to other families. I didn’t consider how in some areas, it is an abnormality to have an immigrant parent or a parent with an accent. I definitely noticed that my family was different, but I didn’t understand why until much later. My mom, her sisters and brothers, and my primos… They don’t live their lives with the awareness of being defined as Mexican immigrants. Of course, they again have pride in where they came from. They live as Mexicans and engage in Mexican culture, but overall, the way the youth today has really grasped onto the labelling of our identity is kind of a new thing. There are some young latinx people who do try to quantify and measure whether or not your experience is valid. I know it comes from a place of protectiveness of their own experience, but it’s ridiculous to gate keep because something that really characterizes latin culture is our warmth, our sense of family, our willingness to embrace other people as part of that. If you’re of latin american descent, you have a place in the latinx community.

Since your parents don’t have college degrees, do you believe college is important and/or necessary?

J: I think it depends! I think a lot of immigrant parents really push for their children to get a college education because they see that as opportunity, particularly when they did not earn college degrees themselves. I think college can be important depending on what you want to accomplish, but I also think it’s not completely necessary. For my career path as a photographer/videographer, I chose not to do college. I do think I would have enjoyed college because I like learning, but because it was something unnecessary for my job, I couldn’t justify the time invested or putting my parents into a difficult financial situation. Especially because my college education would have overlapped with my sister, and I saw how difficult it was to juggle handling my sister’s student loans. For my sister’s career path (she is studying to be a nutritionist/therapist to help teenagers with eating disorders), college was necessary.

Your Mom has been stuck in the US, unable to return to Mexico for awhile, has your Mom’s experience with immigration changed your views in some way?

J: As context, my father lived in Mexico for a decade and married my mom in Mexicali. They hadn’t planned to move to the United States, but when they came to the US to marry here so that she could have citizenship and be able to visit his family, there were complications that made it to where she couldn’t leave the country. Luckily, the time she was unexpectedly stuck in the United States didn’t last super long! Long enough to become comfortable enough to decide to settle down in California, but we have been able to travel to Mexico often. I think it really highlights how unnecessarily complicated a lot of the processes regarding immigration are. The people in the country who are very malicious about undocumented immigrants love to jump to saying, “well, why can’t they just become an American citizen?” when the reality is that every process in place has a lot of complications. Not everyone has access to the resources to be able to make these transitions happen smoothly. Also, the time it takes to acquire your visa is not an overnight thing. People severely underestimate the difficulty involved.

What do you think about the “hard-working immigrant” stereotype?

J: I hate the idea that immigrants work hard because they’re low-skilled, but I do love that there is a lot of pride in how motivated immigrants are. It’s always been a ridiculous claim that immigrants are taking American jobs. Immigrants work the jobs that the majority of Americans have no interest in doing, especially the people that make this complaint. For a country that prides itself on working to make your dreams come true, Americans neglect to recognize that immigrants have a drive that most Americans don’t have.

Which parent do you feel more connected to? Your Mother who’s an immigrant or your Father who was born in America?

J: I really do feel that I am a coalescence of both my parents, so I think I feel equally connected to each of them. I feel a very strong emotional connection and concern for my dad because his mental health suffers a lot. His mother had bipolar depression at a time where mental health was even more stigmatized, and she endured a lot of ridiculous, merciless treatments that are no longer utilized today. When he was nine years old, his mom committed suicide, and this was an event that really defined his life forever. I think that kind of heaviness passes down through your family. When my dad is not doing well, I feel really imbalanced and emotionally impacted even if I’m not home to witness it. It’s kind of like that idea of an invisible string tethering you to someone, and it’s a weight that I carry always. However, overall, he’s a very positive person. When he is going through his kind of manic highs, he’s a lot more of what I recognize of who my dad is. He’s creative, a musician, and deeply caring for other people. His mother’s death has empowered him to really try to make a difference and “paint a picture of a better tomorrow.” I’m a lot like my dad in personality, but in disposition, I’m so much like my mom. She’s tough and outspoken at home, but in public, it takes awhile for her to open up. My mom’s very selfless, kind, and very much shy and quiet. She definitely exemplifies a lot of the sacrifice that you see many immigrants make. I do like both sides of my family, but I definitely feel more at home with the Mexican side. My dad’s side is loud, vivacious, and very much funny, but I feel extremely shy around them. My sister and I have always felt a tiny bit left out. I think they’d be hurt to know we feel this way, but I definitely don’t think they do anything to intentionally enforce this division. But I think it developed because there is a bit of a cultural disconnect between my aunts and my mom. It’s also very interesting to me that when they first met my mom, my mom didn’t speak any English. It’s fascinating to consider how it might change your perception of someone to go from not being able to communicate with them to watching them learn your language. My mom enjoys the time that we do spend with my dad’s family, but she’s kind of the odd one out in that her humor isn’t the same and her experiences are so different. I think that my dad’s sister and brother’s families were able to connect in a stronger way, so sometimes my mom, my sister, and I feel just a little isolated. In those moments, I feel the most aware of my Mexican background. With my mom’s side of the family, it’s a lot more comfortable. My dad’s able to develop his humor in a way that translates well into Spanish, so he fits in very easily.

You’ve lived in a “Blue/more liberal” state and a “Red/more conservative” state, which state has affected you more?

J: Definitely the red state. Seeing how intensely and ridiculously conservative some southern people are has really radicalized me in a way. I feel overwhelmingly liberal because there’s a defensiveness that develops when you’re in a space like this where you have this intense disbelief that people hold the ideas that they do. Especially because in Texas, black and latinx culture is a major contributor to southern culture. There’s a lot to be said about how black culture shapes the south, but because I’m latina, I’m focusing on latinx culture with this question. White conservatives want our food, they want our work, but they don’t want us. I don’t understand how anyone can be all #TacoTuesday one day, and then the next, be anti-immigrant. If you really want Mexicans out of your country, then maybe you should start living your life without any Mexican influence. Stop eating Mexican food. Clean your own pool and mow your own lawn. It’s ignorant to speak down on immigrants when their life would be so altered to be rid of immigrants. They rely on immigrants. Their lives are shaped by immigrants and built by immigrants.

(I had to chime in here: )

 Are you proud of your parents?

J: Absolutely. As a young teenager, I had a lot of problems with my parents. I think I still have issues I’m working through as a result, but now that I’m older, I really do feel a deep sense of admiration and respect for them. Growing up really makes you view your parents differently and understand them as people rather than just as parents. I held onto a lot of anger and resentment, but I’ve come to truly see how they really did do their best. They’ve worked very hard, and I think not having everything that kids around me did really helped me grow into a more grateful person.

Have you faced discrimination for your race?

J: Of course, but in all honesty, it really rolls off my back. I think hate that is personally directed at me doesn’t bother me, but the discrimination that does affect me is anything directed or related to my mom. I remember my parents had a customer who made a really ugly complaint to my father about my mom’s english. My mom essentially handles most of the written communication with their business, and she still speaks and types in broken english often. The majority of my parents’ clients are latinx, so it’s typically not an issue, but it’s unbelievably offensive and ridiculous the assumptions people will make about your intelligence based on your english. The customer had no idea that the woman she’d been communicating with was my father’s wife rather than just an employee. It’s really sad how someone can see someone as unworthy of respect until they’re tied to a white man, and then they’re suddenly apologetic. This is another extremely mild example, but I’ll get a few laughs when I mispronounce something or don’t know how to say certain words. People always find it funny as though it’s embarrassing –– and it definitely can be –– but people forget I learned english from a woman who speaks two languages.

As the child of an immigrant, how has the anti immigrant talking point affected your mental health?

J: I think the toll the anti-immigrant bias in the United States has on immigrant children is a relevant conversation to have, but I think I’m very lucky in that I feel very tough in the face of that ignorance (which is not to say anyone whose mental health suffers as a result is not tough!) If anything, I feel pity for the people who are so hateful that they see other human beings in such a derogatory and entitled way. Similar to what I said before, my outrage really comes from a place of defensiveness for others. The talking point doesn’t hurt me, but it hurts me that people can speak about my family and my community the way they do. It hurts me that there are other immigrant children who have to work as hard as their parents to make their sacrifices worth it, and people are so insensitive as to not respect that. I’m pretty strong, but it does break my heart when my people are disrespected. If someone were to say something to me, that’s fine, but if i saw someone mistreating a little mexican lady in the store… I may be 5’3 but that don’t mean I won’t come for your ass. Okay, in all honesty, I’m really not a violent person. I’m more of a rise above kind of person because the hate someone has in their heart is not worth our time, but some people do need a chancla thrown at them to learn some respect.

In your opinion, in what ways does the Latinx community need more support?

J: I think because the latinx community is so much so composed of hard workers, people really need to support latin businesses more. That’s a direct way to impact latin lives. There’s an abundance of latin small business owners in every category. So many white kids love going to Cozumel for Spring Break and love wearing sombreros on Cinco De Mayo, but then the rest of the year, they have no care or respect for the authentic culture. For every dollar a white man makes, hispanic women still make statistically less than white women, asian women, black women, and native women. We gotta back up these businesses. Choose local taco shops or restaurants over chains. Choose online shops and Mexican boutiques over fast fashion. And this applies to everybody. We can always support black business or asian businesses over large competitors. It really does make an impact. I also think a lot of latinx children need access to better mental health resources. I’m lucky in that because my father struggles with mental health issues, mental health in my family wasn’t exactly a taboo, but in a lot of latin families, mental health is something that is hard for older parents to validate. Latin children need those resources. A simple google search of “latin mental health resources,” bring up a bunch of organizations that you can support. I think every POC community needs to be boosted right now because although we’ve been under attack, conversations about minority communities are being had by white people right now. We have their attention, and we do need their support to enact change because they have the power as the oppressor. We need to be going to bat protecting black people right now because of the insane damage the community has been enduring at the hands of police, and we need to be protecting immigrant children from what’s happening to them at the border. I know the election is extremely controversial right now, but I would urge anyone who has the ability to vote to really consider the importance of doing so. People love to be cynical about how our votes don’t matter, and I understand that cynicism, but a lot of immigrants don’t have the luxury of voting when the results of the election will directly impact their lives. I hate that there is no option of a president that will perfectly support POC communities, but there are options whose party is far more aligned with supporting and protecting POC communities than Trump is. Trump spews hate and fuels racism and prejudice. He calls Mexicans rapists and black protestors thugs. He encourages the blaming of the coronavirus on the asians in our country. He does not need any help winning the election. We need to get this hateful man out, and I strongly encourage anyone who can vote to do so.

--

Let’s have a discussion! Did you learn anything new from this conversation?

Let me know here.

-

To close out each post, I’d like to write a lil’ paragraph about the person I talk with:

I’m so lucky to have you as a friend darling. You always bring a smile to my face when we chat. You’re funny and so smart. I admire you deeply for being able to share your perspective in a clear way. Thank you for putting up with my 2 am messages lol 🖤🖤🖤🖤Your continued support makes me feel safe and very, very, loved. I hope I encourage the same feeling with you. 

You’re the best babe,

-Faithxx

[roselen-mylady]

Help Him Heal

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count: 4,147

Summary: Y/n and Bucky have been married for years. But in all that time she still hasn't been able to end the war raging in his head.

Will it take his spirit animal to finally bring him peace?

"Now, you said over the phone that your husband fought in World War II. Is that correct?" Y/n nodded, folding her hands in her lap as the uniformed man before her sifted through a file she assumed had contained the information she'd sent in. 

"Yes. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. He was a part of the 107th Infantry Regiment." She described, a loving smile gracing her lips. 

"Well, he'd have to be a hundred years old, ma'am." The man nearly gasped. Y/n nodded again, running her hands along her pencil skirt in an attempt at smoothing it down. 

"106 to be exact. If his age is a concern, I assure you he is more than capable of caring for an animal." She answered quickly hoping his hesitant expression would change upon her explanation. 

Suddenly the door opened across the room revealing another man in uniform who shut the door behind him. The man she had been speaking with stood to greet the other but Y/n was too focused on cursing herself to notice when the older man dismissed him. 

She was blowing this. She shouldn't have done this anyways. Did Bucky even want this? 

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Barnes. It's nice to have you on our base here." The man greeted, kindly. "I apologize for my tardiness, I wanted to be here to handle your interview personally but something came up so I had to send in Private Johnson." 

"That's quite alright. I'm sure there are more important matters." She pardoned him, offering a polite smile. Much like the private had before him, the man picked up the file looking through it carefully. 

"He's a good soldier but he doesn't seem to understand that this case is-well, under special circumstances." He set down the file looking up at her. Y/n met his gaze with vivid confusion, unsure how her application had presented itself as a special circumstance. 

"It is?" She questioned, anxiously turning the wedding band on her finger. The man nodded, setting his folded hands on the table atop the file. 

"Your husband. He's a...unique veteran." The file was opened and Y/n allowed herself to glance at it, recognizing the happy face of her husband. His smile was so bright that day, brighter than the sun beating down on them. 

They had gotten Sam to snap a picture of their day at the beach and Y/n had never seen her husband happier even with his scars exposed to all those scattered along the sandy seaside. It had been the very day he proposed to her and the impossibly joyful smile shown on her face had only grown when he got down on one knee. 

Her lips curved up at the memory, looking back up at the sergeant. "Well, he's a very unique man." She agreed, adoration for her husband swelling in her chest. The man listened with an intent gaze set on her. "He's everything to me and that's why I wanted to do this. I think it would be good for him. And Captain." 

Another photo caught her eye, one of Bucky in the 40's with the Howling Commandos. A cigarette hung loosely from his lips and his arms had been slung around the men next to him. There wasn't any color to the photo aside from the yellow tint that showed just how old the photo was. He looked happy then too which only made her wish the in-between could've made him just as happy. 

But instead it had broken down the man she loved most in the world, leaving behind a man who needed help healing. Healing she happily helped provide. That was the very reason she had brought herself down to San Antonio after all. Doing anything to make Bucky as happy as possible. 

"Well, you two certainly qualify. Mr. Barnes is one of the world's most famous veterans and with your occupation, financial stability surely won't be a problem. With a comfortable, neutral living space and no children, you're probably the most suitable couple out there." He explained, closing the file once more and leaning back in the chair. 

"But?" Y/n sensed there was a catch and she feared what it might be. Was there something wrong with their application, or worse them? 

"What makes you want to do this? I'm sure that with both yours and Mr. Barnes' backgrounds, signing up for something like this is the last thing you need." He was right. Bucky had only been adjusted to his new life for a year now. But something was off. 

It wasn't something easily noticed. Distant stares at the wall, lost expressions he'd failed to hide, restless nights he thought she wouldn't notice. He was struggling to move on from all the fighting. His mind refused to accept there wasn't another battle for him to fight and it was affecting his life with her. 

He had PTSD. And Y/n did the only thing she could think of to help. 

She signed them to adopt an ex-military dog. 

"I think it's exactly what we need. My husband is a stubborn man, he's never willing to admit when he needs help. He's fought every fight that's crossed his path all his life and you could imagine what that might do to a man." She began, looking down at her lap. 

The fluorescent lights above reflected on her ring and she pinched it between her fingers tightly, finding comfort in the ring. Bucky could always soothe her even when he wasn't in the same room. Just the thought of him holding her tightly in his arms could make her feel at ease in any situation and she found herself imagining it now. Him standing behind her with his hands rested upon her shoulders, his thumbs rubbing soft circles into the nape of her neck. 

"I've seen many good men beat down by war. I can imagine how nearly a century of it might break even the strongest of men." The man spoke, his voice grave as a solemn expression fell over him. 

"Then you understand why he needs help." Y/n reasoned. 

"Yes. But how will this help? There's easier options out there, counseling, group therapy-" 

"As I've said before, he's a stubborn man. I've tried to get him to open up, go see somebody but he refuses to accept help. He's always been one to take care of others and now that it's time to take care of himself he simply won't do it. He's scared that admitting there's something wrong might hurt the others around him, might hurt me." Her voice wavered, as she grew emotional but with a long sigh she was able to recollect herself. 

"This is the only way I can think of to help him. My husband is the most loving and caring man I've ever met and having this dog around will show him how to care for himself. By adopting this dog he'll realize PTSD isn't something that makes you weak and I believe he'll be able to get better, simply by having him around." She confessed. 

The man was silent for a moment, surveying her carefully before standing and leaving the room. Her head ducked in defeat, finding all the confidence she had mustered up had long since faded. What she had said was messy and didn't make much sense but a part of her had hoped it worked. But as the seconds passed agonizingly slow, she began to realize she had failed. She'd failed Bucky even if he didn't know it and her heart ached at the thought. 

Yet before she could stand to leave, the door opened once more revealing the man and private from before. The soft jiggle of a collar followed behind them and her heart practically stopped when the canine she had spent months seeking out stepped into the room. 

"Sorry for the wait. He's a bit of an ass but he's a damned good soldier." The older man spoke, stepping aside as the private walked the dog over to Y/n. 

"Sounds like someone I know." She smiled brightly, sinking out of her chair and crouching down before him, balancing carefulling on her heels. 

"Mrs. Barnes, I'd like to introduce you to Captain." Private Johnson spoke, watching with an amused gaze as she cooed over the dog, her hands cautiously reaching out to him. Her fingers hovered over his left side, eyes trailing the rough fur and scarred skin. She retracted her hand, remembering to be mindful of keeping her distance. He needed to open up at his own free will and forcing her affection onto him would do more harm than good. 

"If you'll come with us we have a kennel for you to transport him." The sergeant told her as she rose to her feet. She shook her head, accepting Captain's leash and grabbing her purse. 

"That won't be necessary." She announced, following the older man out into the hall. He shared a look with the private before turning to her with furrowed eyebrows. 

"How exactly do you intend to get him on a plane?" He questioned, walking ahead of her to push open the door, a rush of warm air sweeping over them. She smirked back at him, stepping out into the Texas air. 

"Easily. I brought my own." Suddenly the air around them grew more intense, the loud hum of an aircraft growing closer. They looked up just in time to see the quinjet hovering over the area behind her, landing swiftly with a gush of air. 

Giving them a short wave she walked toward it, smiling when the back opened up to reveal Sam. He held out his hand to help her up the ramp, Captain following closely at her side, his tail wagging slightly as he went along with his new owner. 

While he seemed a little timid with all the sound the jet provided, once they were in the air he began to relax. Sam started their trip home, glancing every so often at Captain as his nose flared frantically, trying to adjust to his new surroundings. 

Y/n gave him space, unhooking the leash and sitting back but he stayed seated next to her. His training was ingrained in his head but Y/n figured with time he might break those habits. Like Bucky had. 

"So how do you think Bucky's going to react?" Sam chuckled, entertained by the idea of his friend's wide eyes and slack jaw. Y/n shrugged, tilting her head as Captain looked up at her, his eyes seeming to study her. 

"I don't know. Probably won't be too bad." Sam nodded, knowing she was right. 

"Yeah, well, if it involves you that man is all for it. I bet if you stabbed him in the chest he'd still have those lovesick eyes." Y/n laughed, shaking her head. Captain tilted his head slightly at the sound but made no move to react. His tail was still and he didn't attempt to creep closer to her at the apparent joy on her face. She silently sighed, seeing her husband in the dog's eyes. 

A silent soldier. 

"I doubt he'd appreciate me stabbing him. He'd probably be a little irked and counseling would definitely be taken into consideration." Y/n replied, resisting the urge to reach out and pet Captain. She feared overstimulating him, especially when he was already in such a fragile state. If she had any chance of getting him to trust them and feel comfortable enough to leave all of his training in the past, she needed to let him adjust at his own pace. 

"Bucky? Counseling? Ha, ok." Sam scoffed, earning a harsh glare from Y/n. 

•••

"Y/n? Doll, where are you?" Bucky called, his boots clattering on the floor next to the door. Upon hearing his voice, she hurriedly came down the hall, turning the corner with an excited grin. Yet once seeing his boots sprawled across the floor her smile fell, instantly replaced with an annoyed frown. 

"Y'know we have a shoe rack for a reason." She bent down grabbing the boots and hastily putting them away. He chuckled as she bounced back up, noticing her energetic behavior and immediately becoming suspicious. 

"I don't understand the point of displaying our shoes on a shelf, Y/n." He countered, tugging off his coat. Her brow furrowed slightly but she decided not to reply, too excited to bother explaining it to him. 

"Nevermind that. I have a surprise." Her eyes shined with pure joy and he couldn't help but smile as he pulled her into him. 

"Not even a kiss first? For nine years you've given me a kiss without fail. Everyday. And yet suddenly something is more important than our tradition?" Bucky asked, trying to hide the hurt in his tone as he rubbed his hands along her waist. 

A wave of guilt washed over her features and he held her tighter, regretting causing such an expression on her beautiful face. "I guess I'm just excited. I'm sorry, baby." He leaned down pressing his lips to her own, hoping to kiss away the frown that had settled on her lips. 

Her hand trailed up his arm, coming to cup his cheek as the other held his metal forearm. Her touch was tender and still as loving as the day he married her. It was the softest feeling that had ever graced his skin and he found that her caress could easily make him forget all the pain and torture he endured during his time at HYDRA. 

Her kiss was even more loving, gentle and sweet. Oh, it was impossibly sweet. Kissing her reminded him of the very first time he'd done so. They had both been so timid yet so in love it made even the slightest movement of their lips send shivers down his spine. He absolutely adored his wife and every kiss between them showed just how much she shared his affection. 

They pulled away, Y/n letting out a giddy laugh as he brushed his nose against her cheek. "Mm, how is it that you still leave me breathless after all these years together." He chuckled, pecking her cheek softly. 

"I could ask you the same thing." He argued, getting a playful scoff out of her. She pushed his chest lightly, making sure to press another kiss to the corner of his lips before slipping her hand into his and beginning to lead him down the hall. 

"Come on. I have a really important surprise and I refuse to wait any longer." Y/n smiled back at him. His eyes narrowed on her, suspicion rising back into his chest as he let her drag him toward their bedroom. 

"What is it? Are you pregnant? You promised you'd call the instant you even suspected it, none of this surprise business. I wanna know as soon as you do." He whined. Y/n laughed shaking her head. 

"No, baby. Trust me when the time comes you'll know before I can even think of a name." She promised before pausing suddenly, making him bump into her back. "Oops, too late. I'm thinking James Jr. Then we could call him JJ. That'd be adorable." Y/n nearly squealed at the adorableness of the name. 

Bucky raised a brow at her, "What if it's a girl?" 

"Jamie Jr. Keep up, Buck." She giggled. He shook his head letting his thumb brush over her knuckles. 

"I'm confused, are you pregnant or not?" Y/n shook her head, turning back to their bedroom with a more determined smile. 

"No. Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked but I swear this surprise is good. Or at least I think it'll be good for you. But promise to keep an open mind, okay?" She turned to him, looking up at him unsure as they stood outside their bedroom door. 

"I'm sure I'll love whatever it is." Bucky assured, looking down at her with such tender eyes. She nodded, finding her courage once more before slowly turning the knob. 

When Bucky's gaze fell on the animal laying next to his side of the bed he froze, as if the dog was a threat he hadn't yet calculated. Captain's head rose looking up at the couple with interested eyes. His fur was dark, blending into a lighter tan toward his belly. The dark eyes that stared back at them seemed to match the dog's demeanor perfectly, distant but longing. 

Yet none of the details seemed to catch the assassin's attention quite like the left side of the dog's upper body. His fur was patchy, a soft pink peeking out of the areas where it hadn't grown back. The scarring was all too familiar and the lack of the dog's left leg sent chills through him. 

"What is that?" He breathed, wincing at the stupid question as Y/n moved inside the room. She sat down next to the dog, mindful of how close she got. 

"Well, baby, here in the 21st century we like to keep animals such as these as pets. This one is what we call a dog." She answered sarcastically, holding her hand out for Captain. He was hesitant but sniffed her hand carefully, pressing his wet nose to her palm. 

Bucky watched from the doorway, unsure how to react. He tried to force away the hurt that he felt from her making such a big decision without him. Getting a dog was definitely something they needed to discuss first. It wasn't that he didn't like dogs. They were loyal and sweet and always ready to give and/or receive affection, much like the woman he married. 

But this dog was different. Aside from the painstakingly obvious dismemberment they both shared, this dog was unphased by the antsy woman next to him. Where most dogs would've tried to smother her for being on the ground, this dog merely rose to a seated position watching them with thoughtful eyes and an unmoving tail. This dog was a soldier in every sense of the word. Just like him. 

"I know that but where did you get him?" Bucky asked, cautiously stepping into the room. Y/n smiled, running a hand through her hair.  

"It's kind of a long story." Catching Bucky's unamused stare, she sighed. Piecing together her explanation was harder than doing so at the base and she found the eyes of her husband only made it harder. "I know you've been unhappy, Bucky." 

His mouth ran dry and he quickly opened it to object but Y/n shook her head not allowing him to say a word. "I understand why and I know you can't help it. I also know it's not my fault and admitting you are unhappy won't hurt my feelings." She assured him. 

He was speechless as he stared at her. His thoughtful and beautiful wife who read him like a book even when he chose to remain silent. All she had ever done was care for him and love him and yet he was still lost. His mind was forever trapped in the war and now that he was finally free he couldn't help but expect the next fight. 

"I just want you to be happy and I've been trying to do that for as long as I've known you. But then I realized I can't because I don't really understand what it's like to hurt like you are. Bucky, I've never experienced the things that you have and I don't know how to help." Y/n continued, her hands falling in her lap as she turned her face away trying to hide the emotional tears that threatened to fall. 

"Y/n-" He pleaded, taking a step forward. Everything in him was screaming to go to her and comfort her. He sunk to the floor, cradling her face in his hands as he brushed away the hair that had fallen into her face. She looked up, smiling at him kindly, though her eyes had been watering. 

The sight sent his heart fluttering in his chest and he tried to fight the tears that built in his own eyes. 

"That's when I realized that you need someone who understands you in a way I can't. Someone who can't judge or spill your secrets. Someone who you can help too because you are the most selfless man in the world and I know you'd rather help others before yourself. You amazingly stubborn man." Their bittersweet laughter rang out in the room despite the tears that now slipped freely down Y/n's cheeks. She smiled at him lovingly bringing her hand to her face to intertwine her fingers with his own. 

He wiped her tears away as they fell, kissing her cheeks and pressing his forehead to hers. A quiet sniffing sounded beside them and they both turned to see Captain standing up, his nose poking Y/n's cheek concerned by her tears. Her heartwarming laughter returned as she gently reached out, pleasantly surprised to find him lean into her hand. 

"So help him." She finished, turning back to Bucky. 

He couldn't help but nod. He trusted her with everything he had and if she believed having the dog in their lives would help him, he would gladly accept it. Y/n wanted desperately for him to find peace and he was willing to do anything to make her happy. Even if it meant dealing with dog fur on everything. 

"What's his name?" Bucky questioned softly, opening his arms and helping pull Y/n into his lap. She leaned against his chest, her hand slipping along his collarbone and under his shirt, rubbing absentmindedly onto his skin. 

"Captain." He chuckled, entangling his arms around her waist as he buried his face only her hair. 

"Really?" Y/n nodded locking her fingers with his as he brought their joined hands to his lips. 

"Yeah, I think Steve would've liked him." She smiled imagining the blonde's reaction to the dog. "Though I imagine there would've been lots of debate on who's the better Captain." 

Bucky hummed into her hand, glancing up at that dog. He had sat down again, watching them with fixed interest. "I don't know. Steve always loved dogs. I doubt he could've brought himself to start any sort of quarrel about the dog." 

Y/n nodded, staring back at Captain with a fond gaze, her hand stilling over Bucky's heart. "What about you? Are you a dog person?" He questioned, squeezing her waist and pressing a kiss to her hairline. 

"I'm actually a cat person." Y/n shrugged, looking up at him. He smiled, his nose bumping hers as her hand came to trace his jaw. 

"Is that so? How come you got us a dog then?" Captain inched forward, unsure of approaching but craving the attention Y/n had happily given him. Bucky smirked, knowing just how the dog felt. Y/n had a way of breaking down the walls of even the most closed off people, himself included. 

"Because I'm more of a Bucky person. And my Bucky needed a dog who understood war." His heart swelled at the statement and he managed to hide his smile in her hair as she pet the dog. "Besides I checked, they don't generally send cats to war. It's a pity, they're really ruthless." 

Bucky chuckled loudly making Captain's head snap toward him. He watched as Captain retracted from Y/n's touch, a tinge of guilt flooding through him as the dog closed off into himself once more. It was too familiar to him, the way the dog's demeanor changed so suddenly. 

Y/n really had known him too well. She had managed to find the one dog in the world who matched him perfectly. 

"It's going to take time." She told him. Bucky nodded, sighing softly. He never appreciated her more than he did in that moment. Had he been like that all those years ago? Did he cower and hide behind a blank face? How did she get him to open up without him falling further into himself? And how did she do it all without even a sign that all her trouble would be returned with his love? 

"We just gotta have faith that the poor guy will open up. I wonder if he likes peanut butter. Are dogs allergic? Shit." Bucky laughed at his wife, digging his face further into her hair. 

God he loved her. 

"You know I'd die for you." He whispered, making her shake slightly against his chest, her giggle seeming to ease Captain. She sunk into his arms, letting his warmth surround her. 

"And for you, my love, I'd end the world. No life would be spared." Y/n smiled, leaning up to press a lingering kiss to his lips. 

Hello all! Enjoy this cute little blurb🤟

[sleekervae]

The Neighbour [0.3]

Something was irrevocably different with Remington; Emerson picked it off right away. On an early Tuesday afternoon, with the air thick and humid and the sun beating down like a plague (no pun intended), Remington was fussing over himself more than usual. He had changed out of four or five different outfits, playing with his hair, and was it appropriate for him to wear makeup? Eva hadn't seen him with it on, yet. No, it was probably best to keep it casual for now. Then again, he had a fantastic highlight that worked absolute magic under the sun...

It was around eleven thirty when Remington finally came down, dressed down but still presentable in a simple pair of ripped skinny jeans and a t-shirt. Emerson and Shy were sat on the couch as they watched Netflix, Pepper situated between them. Remington stopped short when he saw the pair cuddled up on the couch, he smiled deviously.

"Eugh! You guys are so flippin' cute it's gross!" he gushed, putting on his diva voice.

Shy chuckled softly, "Hi Rem,"

Emerson's attention diverted to his older brother, intrigued to see him all ready to go out somewhere.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Coffee with Eva," Remington replied simply.

"The neighbour with the cat?" Shy said.

"Yeah," Remington nodded, "Emerson tell you she gave us a loaf of bread last week?"

"He did," she smiled, "Poor thing, I felt for her. She looked so flustered at the pool,"

"Well, moving is a bitch already. Throw in Covid 19 and you got a real thorn in the ass," Emerson said, then turning back to his brother, "You gonna' be social distancing?"

"We're going to drink our coffee and walk around in the park," Remington replied, "She works from home anyway,"

"So, who asked who for the coffee?" Emerson asked.

Remington shrugged, stopping at the hallway mirror to fix his hair again, "She brought up how she hasn't had a chance to get around the neighbourhood, so I offered, she accepted. She has our vinyl too,"

"Which one?" Emerson asked.

"Boom Boom Room,"

"Side A or B?"

"A,"

"I'd approve either way,"

Shy couldn't help but subconsciouly squeeze Emerson's arm, a glimmer of excitement bursting behind her eyes, "So, she's a fan, too?"

"Took her a minute to figure it out. Didn't even bring up Em or Seb, so clearly she pays more attention to me," the blonde smirked.

Emerson glowered at his brother, "Yeah, yeah, go for your cup of fuck-off-ee," he grumbled.

Across the street, with her room strewn in discarded clothes that just didn't make the cut, Eva finally felt confident standing in her denim skirt and black tee. On any other day she'd have paired the ensemble with her pleather jacket, but it was too damn hot out. Even with the window letting in a cool breeze, the air was uncomfortably humid. What did she expect when moving from the Emerald City to Los Angeles?

Eva made sure to close and latch the window shut before she left, not eager for Pluto to go off on another reign of terror. Stopping to grab a fresh face mask, her phone suddenly began to vibrate in her purse. She figured it might have been Remington sending her a text, but the screen flashed to the Blocked Caller ID. Eva rolled her eyes and denied the call.

Stepping out into the humidity, Eva waved her hand over her face as she stepped out of the complex courtyard, just at the same time Remington was locking the door to his house. As soon as she caught his eye, he was all smiles.

She was glad to see him; a little relieved, even. He looked cool, cool enough to appear on some grungy magazine cover. All he needed to complete the look was a cigarette and maybe a skateboard, too. The messy blonde hair, the glimmer in his eyes brought back the warmth she associated with his presence and as she came to meet him at his car, his spicy cologne danced up her nose and imprinted itself in her olfactory memory.

Remington had never been more wary of how his hands shook, his left hand he stuffed into his jean pocket and the right he gripped his car keys with a vice-esque grip. He found himself mesmerized briefly by the fit of her skirt, her black t-shirt tucked in smoothly but not too tight to over expose her figure, but just enough to give Remington an idea. Her short brown hair fell delicately over her face, one side pushed back behind her ears and exposing her stormy blue eyes to the sunshine. She was the embodiment of innocence and grunge wrapped into a perfect five-foot-six package.

"Glad you didn't stand me up," he grinned.

"Well, I kind of happen to live right over there," she drawled, pointing to her balcony, "It'd be kind of awkward and hard to hide if I tried,"

"You look really nice," he nodded after a brief moment.

"So do you," she agreed with confidence, "Where we off to?"

There was a forested park not far from where they lived. Despite the pandemic, the fields were filled with older kids playing games of soccer and basketball, there were vendors out trying to sell their ice cream, a couple girls were scattered across the grass and sunbathing. It almost all seemed so normal, if not for the fact that the kid's jungle gym had been fenced off so no child could climb upon it.

The pair walked side-by-side, him with his iced black coffee and her with a green tea frapp -- no whipping cream. The gravel path they walked was shaded by a canopy of lush green trees, providing some relief from the hammering heat. Remington kept his gaze locked on her, worried to miss a moment where she'd crack a smile or briefly run her tongue over her lips. Her fingers appeared so dainty yet he could spot the small calluses at the middle joint of her thumb, and some paper cuts on her middle and index fingers.

"So, how does a ghostwriter get hired?" Remington asked, "Do you just openly advertise 'hey! If you're a lazy author, come hire me'?"

"No," Eva shook her head with a giggle, "I used to write articles for the newsletter at my college, and then a friend of mine forwarded me an email about a client who was looking for a ghostwriter. I didn't know much about it but the money was pretty good. It was a grant application for requesting financial aid for survivors of residential schools,"

"Sounds depressing," Remington said.

"It was pretty heavy shit," Eva admitted, "But, I did get fifteen-hundred for a six page application. Well worth it, I'd say,"

Remington blew an impressed whistle, "So you make pretty good money off of this?"

"Let's just say my student debt has decreased significantly since I took up the profession," and she took a brief sip of her drink.

"You ever publish anything under your own name?" he asked, "Eva Kuznetsov is a cute pen name. Evelina sounds more mature, though..."

Eva shrugged, "I think about it sometimes... but it's just easier to write under someone else's name and let them have all the glory. Say, if they happen to do something stupid to forever tarnish their career, that won't come back to bite me in the ass,"

Remington smirked, "Like a particular fantasy author who's made some pretty heavy comments concerning the trans community?"

"Let's not even talk about that, my heart still breaks when I think about it," Eva sighed, "To answer your question, however, if I got confident enough I may try to publish something in the future,"

"What else do you like to write?"

Eva opened her mouth but closed it quickly, pressing together her petunia pink lips as she visibly swallowed whatever words were about to pass through them. When she looked up at Remington again, his brown eyes dark like soaked coffee grinds that sent her into a caffeinated headrush. What would he think if she actually told him...

"I write poems, some short stories," she somewhat lied.

Remington's smile grew wider, mischief glimmering over his face like light beams reflecting over windchimes in a saturated dusk, "You hesitated just now," he spoke curiously, "What else do you write?"

Eva glanced down at the ground, a nervous giggle bubbling out and knocking the air out of her lungs, "Okay listen, don't judge me, it's just a hobby of mine,"

"Oh God!" Remington gasped, "Do you write porn?"

Eva laughed again, her pale cheeks flushing in red, "Well... I do happen write some naughty shit... in my fanfictions,"

Remington stopped dead in his tracks, taken aback by her answer. He totally thought she would say something along the lines of erotic fiction on a platform like Literotica. For understandable reasons, he had some mixed emotions about fanfictions.

"What kind of fanfiction?" he asked, somewhat bordering on the third degree.

"... Um..." she glanced at him again, the smirk on his lips compelling more giggles to burst from hers. She pressed her hands together over her nose and mouth, and Remington laughed as well.

"Okay listen, I promise," he put his right hand over his chest, "I promise I will not judge you for whatever smut you write for whoever," he assured her.

"It's not... yeah, I guess it kind of is," Eva chuckled nervously, "I usually write for stuff like Criminal Minds, but more lately I've gotten into writing for Euphoria..." she trailed off, timid as she waited for his response.

"Alright, that's actually not bad," he nodded, "I'll be honest, you didn't strike me as somebody who write fanfics,"

Eva glanced timidly at her scuffed sneakers, kicking up pebbles and dust, "Are fanfic writers supposed to look a certain way?"

"I don't know, actually," he simpered.

"I don't tell a lot of people that I do it, mainly because their first impression is either 'what the fuck' or 'OMG we should collaborate' and I'm just like," she hung her head back, "Nooo!"

"You're more of a soloist then a team player, then?" he teased.

"Let's just say I tend to work better alone," she replied, shrugging her shoulders as though the comment should mean nothing. But Remington found it odd that Eva was out here all on her own, never brought up her friends or family. He didn't see many personal effects in her apartment, neither.

"Is that why you're out here by yourself?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

"Well... don't take this the wrong way, but I haven't really seen you with anybody. You don't talk about your friends or your family,"

Eva shrugged again, "They're all back in Seattle. Besides, opportunity was drying up over there and I just wanted a fresh start," she said, "Besides, Pluto's my friend,"

"Well, that's a given," he replied, "Are your parents up in Seattle?"

"My dad is," she nodded, "I don't know what my mom's doing," Remington's silent was her cue to go on, "I um... we haven't really spoken, her and I,"

"You have a falling out?" he asked suddenly.

Eva glared down at the gravel again, "You can call it that. She's a pilot and she's always flying, and so you know, I never really got to see much of her growing up. And then, she suddenly shows up for my college graduation and expects us to be one big happy family, like she has it in her head that she can make up for all the birthdays and shit she's missed. And I just didn't know what to say to her. I don't know who she is, but she's my mom," she glanced up at Remington again, "And I don't know why I'm telling you all of this,"

Remington wasn't bothered by her unloading, it seemed as though Eva needed to get things off her chest more than she realized. Her smile was sardonic and her voice petty like a comedian on stage, putting on the brave 'I don't give a fuck anymore' face.

"I find sometimes it's easier to unload to new people then it is to your friends," he said, "What does your dad do?"

"Chem professor. Which is ironic because I seriously sucked at chemistry," she replied.

"Show me a kid who didn't struggle in chem, honestly," he said, "But do you get along with your dad?"

"For the most part," she chuckled, "He's still confused as to why I choose to write anonymously, but that's his problem. What do your parents do?"

Remington chewed on the inside of his cheek, "My mom's kind of like our manager. Does a lot of production and behind the scenes stuff. And I haven't seen my dad for nearly twenty years,"

Eva was silent for a moment, studying him. He spoke with a firm grin, yet still trying to shadow that flicker of sadness within his face.

"So we both have parental issues... that's nice to know," she put on a teasing grin, "Maybe that's why we make such good friends?"

Remington swallowed thickly, "So, you are indeed confirming we are friends?"

"I am," she smiled, "It'd be nice to have whatever few I can scrape up,"

"That fact that you also live across the street means that you're now stuck with me," Remington grinned with pride.

"True," Eva hummed appreciatively, taking another sip of her drink, "Somehow, I don't think I'll mind, though,"

When Remington drove her home she gave him a sweet and polite goodbye, a hug which made his confident exterior falter for a second long enough for her to witness it through the flush in his cheeks and his lack of response. His words tripped over the length of his tongue when he tried to flush out a proper goodbye and he felt his hands began to quiver again.

And when he went to open his door, he took one last glance. The small brunette turned at the same time and met his gaze, but he was too far away to hear her sharp inhale. And when he finally went inside he fall back against the door, staring into space with the biggest grin he'd had on since... well, he couldn't remember when he last felt so excited.

[catsnuggler]

It just grates against everything I was raised to be

"What will you be when you grow up? What will you choose as a career? What will you achieve? What will mark your name in history?"

Hand-in-hand was the following:

"Will you serve a mission when you grow up? Will you cross all your t's and dot all your I'd on the Plan of Salvation? How many souls will you bring into the Church? How close will you be to God?"

I rejected capitalist ideology, but that doesn't mean I'm free of having to survive in it. I can only continue along as I have for a very short time now, so I need to get a job fucking soon. But, aside from immediate-term, paying-the-rent jobs, I still don't fucking know what field I want to go into - what I can go into - will I survive university; academically? Financially? Socially? Mental health-wise? - or would I just flunk anyway? Sure, I was in an honors society, but to go through all that debt, all the mind-wracking, to... Finally accept my agency, and all this while under capitalism... While Christianity has fucked me up, I've got to admit, the first thing I think of to describe such an impossible situation is leading a camel through the eye of a needle. And even if I made it through with a degree - what good will I do, versus the profit I would generate via the likely ecocide committed by whatever company I would work for?

As for religion, I rejected the Mormon religion while not fully shedding the framework. I still "don't pray enough" to the gods, my ancestors (don't know most of their names even, or life stories, or whether I want to - but perhaps the most odious of my ancestors need that veneration the most, because they don't deserve it), the land (I really don't know my area aside from vague details about goatheads, rattlesnakes, coyotes, sand, tumbleweeds... I don't know anything of substance). I still "don't read enough". I still "don't practice enough". I still "don't see (G/g)od(s) in all things", not that I haven't seen signs before, but it's been a while. I reject proselytization, as I don't think anyone needs to embrace any religion, period. Still, while I'm not focused on trying to convert folks to my faith, I sometimes find, when talking with others who show an interest at least insofar as they want to get to know me better, that I've forgotten core aspects of my faith. So there's still a "You have to achieve a purpose" view to my religious beliefs, held over from Mormonism, that I still need to get rid of.

Anyway... The "we're here for a purpose", "achieve or you're nothing" mindset is deeply engrained into me. It pains me to try to break myself out of it, because I have so much guilt for all my failures. I feel like I'd just be giving up if I fully switched to the view that we're here just because we are, that we're fortunate enough to have this unique opportunity and should feel free to be ourselves, to recognize and love our inner beauty and appreciate that and others, to know we inherently have worth, to be happy. To be happy. It grates against me.

I know it's the right view, I know I'm in pain right now, I know the path I'm on isn't working for me, but how can I allow myself to give up? What gives me the right?

What inherent worth do I have?

[hockeyboysiguess]

Honey

a/n: what else can you do when you’ve had a bad day? not entirely super innocent content below

You could feel music vibrating the floor in the bar. The light were flashing, making your eyes strain a little. You’d gone straight from staring at your computer screen where you’d been forced to sit for over twelve hours today to get through the extra report your boss had thrown on your desk at ten this morning with a deadline of before tomorrow, to a trashy Dallas bar. Definitely wasn’t your smartest decision, but it was also definitely not your worst one. However, your need for a drink and outweighed any desire to not wear your work clothes to the bar.

“How strong of a drink can you make me?” were the first words to leave your mouth when you finally got a bartender’s attention.

“Depends on how bad of a day you’ve had,” he joked with you. “Scale of one to ten?”

“Somewhere in the definitely needs a double verging on a triple depending on how loose you are with your pours range,” you countered, making him laugh. “Vodka soda with lime, please.”

“Put it on my tab, Rick.”

You rolled your eyes in at the poorly veiled demand for your attention and spun on your stool to face the man to your right who had cut in on your conversation. You paused instead of launching immediately into your well rehearsed speech explaining that you were a professional woman who could and would buy her own drinks. He was objectively the hottest guy that had ever cut in and tried to buy you a drink. The tattoos running down both arms, the dark scruff covering his still defined jawline, his dark, curly hair peaking out from under the edges of the hat sat backwards on his head; objectively attractive, but a concept you did not have the energy for today.

“Hey, I appreciate the offer-”

“It’s just one drink,” he cut you off. “Only cost is knowing your name.”

“Except I don’t actually need you to buy me a drink at all. It’s eight dollars and I think I can handle the financial burden.” You put your card down in front of the bartender as he set your drink down. “I’ll start my own tab, please.”

“You got it,” he told with with a soft smile.

The stranger smiled, his soft laughter showing in his face. His shoulders shifted down as he sighed and reached for his beer. The muscles in his arm tensed as he reached forward and your mind briefly wandered, but you pulled yourself back in with a sip from your drink that was arguably more vodka that soda. It burned going down your throat, but it’s what you needed after the day you’d had.

“Take two,” he said as he geared up to trying again with you. You rolled your eyes, but he continued anyway, “I’m Tyler. You are?”

“Somehow less interested now then I was when you asked me a minute ago,” you replied, annoyance costing each syllable as it left your mouth. “Thanks for the compliment of trying to pay for my drink, I guess it’s a compliment, but I’m really not interested tonight. I’ve had the worst day, I’m exhausted, I’ve worked for over twelve hours today, I just got dumped, and your whole thing just isn’t gonna improve my situation.”

“My whole thing?” His eyebrows raised as a small smile played at the corners of his mouth. He took a sip of his beer before continuing, “What’s my whole thing?”

You rolled your eyes and just gestured in his general direction with your free hand, “You know, you.”

“What about me?” Tyler said playfully.

“Your entire vibe,” you elaborated. “Tattoos, backwards hat, beard, slidding in and putting a girl’s drink on your tab. It’s a whole vibe and I’m not exactly on your wavelength this evening, dude.”

You paused for a second as Tyler tried to keep it together and lost. He bust out laughing. His laugh broke the image of him for a second. It was light and bright and immediately brought you along with him, making you bend over the bar in laughter at yourself.

“Okay, okay,” you managed to get out as you tried to contain your laughter. “That was really stupid and I’m sorry.”

Tyler nodded and followed it up with the comment you’d walked right into, “If you tell me your name, I’ll strike it from the record and we can move forward with our relationship as two people alone at a bar on a Friday night.”

You took a sip of your drink before telling him your name. He mused it under his breath a few times, making sure he had it right and committed to memory before trying to actually strike up a conversation with you.

“If it helps at all, I kinda got my ass handed to me at work today so I feel you,” Tyler told you.

“Oh? Pray tell. Did you annoy your boss to no end to try to get what you want?” you joked back, making him laugh.

“He thought was wasn’t giving it my all or something, thought I was half-assing it, which is fucking ridiculous.” He lifted the hat off his head to run a hand anrgrily through his hair, the curls separating between his fingers. Your mind wandered despite your best efforts not to do so, imagining what it would feel like to have your hands in his hair. “But, can’t control what they think. Guess I just have to hit harder or something, I don’t know.”

“Who are you hitting at work?” You asked with an eyebrow. “I mean, not to brag or anything but I once threw a stress ball at just the perfect angle in a fit of rage at work that I bounced off my cubicle wall, bounced off the stock photo on the wall, then hit my boss square in the nose. She ate shit because it scared her so much, but she could never figure out who it is. That’s my only work violence story though, so not sure you should bring hitting people as a constant thing into your office.”

Tyler had started laughing ten words into your story. Apparently the idea that your arms could throw anything with that amount of force to deliver a kill shot like that was hilarious to him. You might not have been sure about everything else about Tyler, but you definitely liked his laugh.

“I play hockey, actually,” he informed you. “Hitting people is pretty much in the job description, even though I don’t actually do it that often. I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

“Just what any woman you’re trying to get in bed wants to hear. That you’re soft and lack passion.”

Tyler raised an eyebrow at you his mouth parted in shock as a smile pulled up the corners of his mouth and his tongue darted out to wet his lower lip. You shrugged and took a sip of your drink to try and hide the proud smile forming on your face. You’d shocked him, which has been the goal, but he shocked you next.

Before you could fully notice, his lips were grazing across your ear, his hot breath dancing across your skin, pulling you right into him. You hadn’t even noticed him get up from his seat, but now you were wrapped up in him. His cologne drowned out the scents from the bar. He was much taller than you thought he’d be, dwarfing you and blocking out everyone else at the bar.

“Oh, honey,” the word left his lips in a way that made them cut straight through you, “me lacking anything should be the least of your worries tonight.”

His hand moved to rest on the small of your back. Until you felt it on you, you hadn’t realized how large his hands were and your mind continued down the path, wondering how his hands would feel everywhere else too. You subconsciously leaned into him and he obliged, adjusting to let you in closer. You swallowed hard, finding the courage in you to take the situation back under your control.

You briefly remembered how you felt when you’d got here tonight. You’d been done with everyone and everything in the world, wanting only to distract yourself with what was in the bottom of your glass. Tyler was definitely doing a much better job of distracting you than the vodka had been doing, so why not see how good of a job he could do. You shifted up on you seat, bringing you lips to his ear.

“I guess you’re just going to have to prove me wrong,”

You watched a shudder come over his shoulders. Tyler was as turned on as you right now and you were pretty sure you were in for a good night. He leaned back from you to upend his beer against his mouth, knocking the rest of its contents down his throat.

“So I guess I’ll be calling a car then?” Tyler mumbled, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“I actually drove,” you cut him off, “so if you want to finish my drink and tell me where we’re going, then we can just head out.”

“A woman who knows what she wants, how she wants it, when she wants it,” he chuckled and he grabbed your drink. “It’s sexy as hell.”

He downed your drink, wincing a little at the amount of vodka sitting at the bottom as you caught the bartender’s attention to close your tab. Tyler motioned for his too as he set the now empty glass on the bar.

“It’s eight fucking dollars,” he grumbled under his breath. “Still won’t let me pay, eh?”

“Nope,” you said, popping the ‘p’ as you signed off on the receipt. “I guess you’ll have to figure out another way to pay me back?”

“Oh, I’ve got a few things in mind. At least three of them mean you’ve got to be pretty flexible and one definitely involves getting a bit sticky. Depends on what you’re in the mood for.”

His voice was like honey. It coated you as he spoke, hanging heavy on every part on you, the sweet taste of it drawing you in for more. You had made it to your car parked around the corner, but that was the most you could take not knowing what it felt like to touch him. You grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and yanked him down so his mouth met yours. He instantly responded. One of his hands cupped your face and the other found your waist. He guided you back against the nearest wall as he nipped and sucked at your mouth and tongue, threatening to draw sounds you would have preferred not to make in public. His hands started traveling over your body, gripping your hips, ghosting over your stomach, giving your ass a squeeze for a moment. The contrast of your back against the cool wall and his warm plans was making you fall deeper and deeper into the moment, into him. He was all you could feel.

“Fuck,” escaped his lips when you broke away from his mouth to kiss his neck. He sucked in a quick breath through his teeth as you tortured a particularly sensitive spot you’d already found.

You were proud of yourself. As much as you were becomg a mess, you were dragging him down with you. He was falling apart under your mouth until one of his hands suddenly pressed firmly against your hot core over your jeans. On instinct, you ground down against his hand as a moan escaped your lips. Your head fell back against the wall as you got your first real taste of what was to come.

“Fuck,” was now apparently all Tyler could say as his lips found your neck and the heel of his hand pushed hard against your jeans to give you some friction “God, I need to get you in my bed, right fucking now.”

“Then let’s get out of here,” you said breathlessly. “We’ve got a whole night ahead of us, right?”

“Honey, you have no idea what you’re doing to me right now,” he mumbled against your throat, his hot breath fanning out across your skin.

“I’ve actually got a pretty good idea,” you replied as you copied him, palming his obvious hard on through his jeans. He sucked a quick breath in through his teeth again and cursed, nipping at the soft skin of your neck in response. “So, you still going to take me home here, Tyler? Or are you about to lose it here in the street?”

“Get in the car and fucking drive, woman,” he managed to get out as he finally pulled back from you.

You laughed as you unlocked your car. Tyler was in and buckled up before you had even managed to get your door open. He was antsy. His feet were bouncing up and down on the floor. He shifted in his seat, trying to figure out if there was a more comfortable position for him with his current situation. You tossed him your phone unlocked so he could put his address into the GPS.

“So, remember how you said you had three ideas if I was flexible and one if I was okay with things getting a little stick?” you recalled to Tyler as you pulled away from the curb. “What if I told you I was four teaching hours away from getting my yoga teaching certificate and didn’t mind getting sticky as long as there’s a hot shower in it for me after?”

Tyler audibly groaned and shifted again in the passenger seat. You smirked to yourself, satisfied you’d gotten another rise out of him.

“Oh, honey, you have no idea what you just signed yourself up for, but god is it gonna bea fun night. Can you drive any faster?”