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s4 episode 9 thoughts
this day had aspects which i did not care for, which is why i am hoping that the thrilling tale of mulder escaping a gulag will bring light and warmth to my heart.
author’s note, post episode: i need answers i need answers i need those slugs destroyed. this episode vastly improved my day and i remembered the simple joys of being alive, such as watching silly TV shows where the characters have an indescribable bond. truly a pleasure to be alive despite it all. scully and mulder, you have shown me such wisdom.
excellent moments for both scully and mulder in this one, which i treasure deeply, and also their together moments made my heart soar. genuinely a good ep!
let us gather to watch this tale!
we begin with a “previously on the x files”. i really hate that shot of mulder squished under that wire cage; it’s deeply unpleasant and i imagine so was the filming experience.
after that, we journey to a convalescent home in florida. now. the last time we went to a convalescent home, i have tried very purposefully for forget what went down. so my expectations here are low.
someone just waltzed in at night and is looking at the old people sleeping with a flashlight.... is this allowed? it probably shouldn't be. is she looking for someone in particular?
she finds auntie janet and says it is time, he is waiting. now what does that mean?!?!
so she takes auntie janet out and there is some man that she’s in the car with?? he’s hooking auntie janet up to various chemicals. she says she’s tired of the pain and the doctor-y figure puts the green stuff into her. ah, i see what is going on here, as auntie janet hugs this woman and says she is her angel of mercy.
so it looks like she died, but instead of just dying and that being it, there are oily slugs coming from her nose and mouth. which…. i mean, it’s better for them to come out in a controlled environment and after her passing, right? that seems ideal, all things considered. except for the fact that the oily slugs will now crawl into these people, so that’s a bummer.
HEY! the changed the text after the intro. “E PUR SI MUOVE” <- is that latin? hold on
i didn’t want to figure out what the whole phrase meant because that was part of the fun!! but in trying to figure out if “muove” was latin or italian or portuguese or something, i learned what the whole phrase meant and that it is significant for being uttered by galileo. darn! well, if i had to learn it before i wanted to, you shall too, i suppose. although i imagine if you read this blog, you’ve seen all this before. hmm.
we are in st. petersburg. FORMERLY LENINGRAD! but no longer at this point. someone is knocking at an old russian guy’s door. a young gentleman tells this old guy that “the cold war isn’t over”
damn. still rings true in 2024.
and also he gives the old guy an envelope.
mulder is sleeping in a jail cell. he’s very tucked into that corner. it's adorable, in a certain way. someone is whispering to him. mystery other prisoner guy who can speak english said that he has been lying there for hours, and that the first time (referring to his alien injection) is “bad, very bad”
he calls this alien injection the “black cancer” that lives in the rock. this mystery man used to be a geologist! he was there when they found the fragments! woah... a rock guy... and look what they have done to him :(
okay, so this black cancer comes from the tunguska rock. got it. i am tracking the lore.
so at least hundreds of people have died here, and they seem to be searching for a cure to the black cancer after they inject it into their test subjects.
well! it is almost comforting that maybe both scully and mulder will die horrific early deaths, but at least together, right? because. the actual cancer that she probably has. and the weird creature in his veins now. they’ll have each other, i guess?
sighs. this is not providing me much comfort.
“i’m not gonna die. i have to live long enough to kill that man krycek” <- YAAAAAS i cheered!!!! his dogged determination has now been set to bloodlust mode!! hey, whatever keeps you alive!!!
mystery man sneaks mulder a shank he made over two weeks. that is a very dedicated thing to do, and even more profound to spend all that time and then give it to someone else. “it is wonderful- the persistence of life” damn…. bro has me thinking…. life really IS a gift, huh
back to the USA, where scully is tending to the mysteriously ill dr. sachs, who if you need a refresher, was the guy who was cutting into the mystery rock before he was mysteriously paralyzed. his blood looks a bit thickened (gag) and also there is something in there. EW!!! EW
EW NASTY WORMS ATTACHED TO A GLAND IN HIM?!?!?!?!
no no no don’t care for that thank you!!!
in virginia, some people get on a bus, including an old man who is eating an apple. they are going to charlottesville.
also there are some horses. the apple man snuck onto a farm with horses. IS IT GONNA BE THE WELL-GROOMED MAN’S FARM???
is it the russian guy??? well, he introduces himself as “vassily peskow” which seems to answer that question.
(in googling this to make sure i spelled his name right, i saw that he has something to do with "the syndicate"- is that the official name of the group i have been referring to as the UN alien people for 3 seasons now?!)
he is speaking to the woman who we earlier saw give that stuff to auntie janet, but he has come to see her! her name is dr. charne-sayre, and while i know nothing about her besides her willingness to euthanize her aunt, she seems to have handled a strange old man showing up and touching her horses quite well, because personally i would be throwing hands.
OH!!! HE STARTS CHOKING HER?? the horses are neighing with fury.
what… did i just see…
scully! at home!!! so pretty….
skinner is behind her!!! he is MAD! he has been trying to get ahold of her all day! well, she was busy??? cut a girl some slack???
he says she owes him some answers about this mystery pouch. he is maaaad! he has to testify tomorrow!! he harbored a known felon!!! ooo he’s gonna get in troubleeeee
she very calmly explains that the pouch has a rock with some sort of creature in it that she has been trying to figure out all day. she handled his anger quite, well all things considered. never forgetting to say “sir”.
but she doesn’t know where it was supposed to be going. HOWEVER…. skinner does! it was going to dr. charne-sayre!!!
scully knows who this is!! because she is a nerd. said with heart eyes. dr. charne-sayre is a virologist, who has looked in on presidents and also is an authority on “variola viruses” which means something i’m sure, but it’s a mystery to me
OH! it means smallpox! she has been trying to get people to destroy the last remaining smallpox vials.
(WAIT IS THAT A THING?? is humanity really keeping some smallpox in some bottles somewhere???? i need to look something up after this and the adjust my levels of panic for biowarfare accordingly.
GOOD NEWS! wikipedia says the last vials were finally destroyed in 2015! that feels like it took too long...
wait. just kidding. it highlighted an irrelevant part of the article. another page says they are still out there, the ones in atlanta and russia that scully refers to in the episode. i feel no relief after all.
the ones that WERE destroyed were 350+ vials of smallpox that had just been lost????? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN???
damn. i need to go down a rabbit hole later that is going to teach me some unsettling things)
anyway, skinner breaks the news that dr. charne-sayre was killed, but blames it on a horse. and i saw what went down and it did not look like any hooves were involved, so idk how tf they came to that conclusion. a choking and hoof marks are not at all comparable??
back to da gulag. a guy kicks mulder and leads him out with a bunch of other men. i find myself wondering about all of the extras there that day, how the filming went.
UH OH! krycek is up smoking with one of the bigwigs of the gulag!!!! what is he DOING??? the geologist prisoner who gave him the shank says mulder has one chance to kill him, and he pulls out his weapon. OMG HE’S RUNNING FOR IT!!! does he stand a chance?!?
that dude is absurdly fast bro. he gets two solid punches into krycek and steals a truck!!! where is he going!!!
horse vs truck race!!!! who will win??? i hope it’s the truck!!!
so he knocked krycek tf out and took him on the bed of the truck... that is hilarious
i hope all the other prisoners break out too :)
okay, the men on horses are shooting at mulder. krycek wakes up and is slamming the back of the truck. what i want to know is where mulder, who has a famously terrible sense of direction, is driving!!!
he’s trying to hit the brakes but it’s not really working!!! and krycek jumped off!!!! where does he think he’s gonna go 😭😭
no!!! mulder crashes the truck!!! ouch ouch ouch!!
well, instead of resolving that plot line, we jump to the well-groomed man (am i using his name right?) chatting with cancer man in the dark. cancer man bullies him for smoking, as if we don’t only know him as cigarette smoking man or cancer man, but well-groomed man is pissed at cancer man’s various failures!! and wouldn’t you be??
oh!! that person riding the horses- dr. charne-sayre- was well-groomed man’s personal physician! there’s some weird tension between these old men now that he needs the help of cancer man to figure out what went down
“were you sleeping with her?” csm asks, making us all uncomfortable. and well-groomed man doesn’t answer!!!!!!!! EW!!! nasty!!!! he put the mission at risk for his personal pleasure!
damn. hate when cancer man is right about things.
well, i guess they’re both flops at their job. that should unite them rather than pull them apart.
cancer man asks well-groomed man (and that is definitely going to get confusing quick) to call off "the investigation", which he says he cannot do. but senator sorenson is an honorable man. do we believe him?
i do not.
somehow, cancer man knows mulder was captured in tunguska and has escaped. i don’t know how this plays into their plan, but cancer man is smirking. suspicious... i hate his creepy smirk.
okay, back to russia. we see the truck that mulder crashed and a bunch of blood on the window, which are not auspicious signs. but no one is in there!!!! the men on horses are baffled!!!
krycek is in the woods, being surrounded by a bunch of people and speaking in russian, claiming to have escaped from the prison camp. they realize from his clothes he is lying about being a prisoner, but they believe that he was accused of spying and take him in?? i guess??
OMG!!! mulder was hiding under a ton of leaves while the men on horses looked for him!!! it was giving a real peeta in the 74th hunger games moment.
so, now we are where we started last episode, with scully swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her god. and she is reading her prepared statement. people are passing notes as she does so. and then they are rude as hell and cut her off.
skinner is watching all of this go down, and as she tears into the culture of lawlessness, he does look like he kinda wants to die. but i think she’s serving.
OMG!!!! they’re taking her to jail!!!! she said idgaf i am NOT giving up mulder’s secrets and that is a REAL ASF FRIEND!!! she’s in jail in her kickass outfit and omggggg what a queen… crossing her arms as she stares out the window…. i love her so deeply
back to russia, where some guy finds mulder under a ton of leaves, and yells at him for breaking his truck. sorry!! it was an accident. he didn’t mean it :(
the woman he is with is gonna tend to him though, because mulder has that sad puppy dog thing going on.
she knows some english!!! woah!!! this is convenient for plot reasons and also fuels my determination to keep learning another language so i can be the cool side character that saves the day at least once.
she says that they kill everybody for “the test”, and that her husband makes deliveries, so they spare their lives. but now, no truck…
mulder says we need to get tf out of here, the smallpox scar is tracking you. she says there is an alternative, and gestures to her son with no arms. i do not think this is a good alternative. and the husband comes back in with a knife!!! are we gonna have some hand to hand combat…….
krycek is sleeping by a fire, but then a bunch of people come and get him. one of them has a heated knife!!! are we in amputation mode…
oh. he sure is screaming as that knife is going in… yes, it appears we are in amputation mode
scully is in jail, reading the works of dr. charne-sayre, because she is studious even behind bars!!!! i love that about her. highlighter in hand as she ponders.
skinner comes to see her! “you holding up?” “i’ve got plenty to read” awwww :( skinner cares about her :( big old softie :( and she is gonna read her way through jail :( she’s just so :(
she clarifies that this is NOT just about mulder!!!! this idiotic commission is wasting time asking about mulder and not about the pouch, the murder, the rock, or anything ACTUALLY RELEVANT at all!!!
“it is my experience that lawyers ask the wrong questions only when they don’t want the right answer” DAMN what kind of lawyers has she dealt with…? probably plenty in her FBI time. but still. she has seen things.
“it is my natural inclination to believe they are acting in the best interest of the truth” aww… she wants to assume the best of these obviously very shady men
“but i am not inclined to follow my own judgement in this case” <- she said y’all are so god awful not even my natural optimism can salvage this (and i love her for knowing her limits)
skinner makes a remark about following mulder’s judgement instead and i can’t tell if he was trying to be hurtful or not…
back to dr. sachs, dealing with his rock induced injury. NO! the russian guy vassily is here! with a needle!!! what does he need that for??? go away!! i like that rock scientist!!
he’s getting this orange fluid in a syringe and he sticks it into dr. sachs and BLEH i cannot look…………. but the slugs!!! the oil slugs!!!!!
NO!!! he takes the rock and unplugs the machines dr. sachs was on!!! HE CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS 💔
cancer man is explaining that vassily was in the KGB… “how could this be? how could the russians know we were working on our own inoculation?” asks well-groomed man, “six of us knew!”
an anti-alien vaccine! this could be useful,,, maybe? idk.
cancer man is tasked with finding vassily… but he says someone might save him the trouble
cut to scully back in front of the fancy congress slash senator slash corrupt government people…. she has had time to think about the question she was asked.
and she says she cannot answer! she keeps listing off things she can answer instead, but not about this!
OH! MULDER APPEARS!!! “answer the question miss scully!” (mulder voice) “what is the question?”
YEAHHHHH THAT’S MY GUY!!!
HER REACTION TO HIS VOICE… the little orchestral flourish… his beat up face… his stupid smirk. wait i have to rewatch this. LOOK AT HER FACE WHEN SHE SEES HIM!!!
she says that the death of the doctor was connected to the death of the man in skinner’s apartment, and dr. charne-sayre FOR SURE knew information about the virus. and while i am happy for her triumphant moment, skinner walks in and whispers something to her….
dr. sachs has died under suspicious circumstances!!
this is obviously very important, but in the background you can see mulder say something to skinner, and he reacts as if deeply annoyed. lmaoooo we are soooooo back!!
the bigwigs on the council go to recess, and the absolute MILLISECOND that gavel is slammed, these two nerds JUMP UP to see each other, it’s so cute oh my goshhhh it is for sure making my list of favorite moments this season
AWWW AND THEY HUG AND HE SAYS “good to put my arms around you” OHHHHH MY GODDDD OH MY GOOOOD THE WAY HE’S LOOKING AT HER (and the remark about still having both arms she obviously doesn’t understand yet!!!!)
(screaming into my pillow for a solid 30 seconds before composing myself)
skinner jumps in and says “some other time” when she asks how he got back LMAOOO he has had ENOUGH
scully says please skinner let us go to florida for 15 hours please 🙏 it should be quick but if it isn’t please stall for us please sir…. and he’s all “girl just go and be fast about it” (sternly)
okay! so why florida? because that is where one of dr. charne-sayre’s patients at a convalescent home died of a mysterious virus! yes, as we saw in the very beginning!!!!
NO!! vassily is here!!! can he just wander in?? is that allowed? why are people coming and going from this convalescent home…? is there not a sign in process…?
he’s going for the meds. he pockets some meds and replaces them with a decoy.
“may we come in ma’am?” mulder asks, shoving his way in <- LMAOOOO god that gag gets me every single time
so they need to look at the elderly, and scully reports that this dude she just walked up to is dead. and he sees another one with the slugs!!!
these people are test subjects, he says!!! and they have to deal this building right now!!
no!!! vassily was laying in a bed and heard all of this!!! what is this mischievous fellow up to???
mulder says all of this can be traced to one man. and scully…. oh my gosh, the side profile, my heart……
IS KRYCEK WORKING WITH VASSILY?
scully and mulder go to visit the leader of the militia they busted krycek with at the beginning of last episode. scully looks so good i’m actually going to gnaw my own arm off holy fuck. that blue trench coat and grey suit combo is lethal.
so this criminal is denying finding krycek in a missile silo, and said krycek came to him. looking for help to make “devices”, and talking about this black cancer developed by the soviets, and used in the gulf war. so how did he get out of the silo....
OH! mulder asks where the other “device” (bomb) ended up, and when the militia leader says “i ate it”, he punches this guy in the stomach and puts him in a headlock. and then he says some very out of pocket things i am not going to repeat, but the point is: krycek took the bomb and put it in a storage garage somewhere in terma, north dakota. ah! the name of this episode is finally understandable!
“scully, get on the phone and get the license numbers for any two-ton trucks stolen in north dakota in the last six months, then call canadian border authorities and have them stop any vehicle fitting that description” (said while gazing into her eyes)
(this line killed me for some reason and i can’t even explain it… just such an odd series of commands out of context!)
“someone used krycek, then krycek used us; someone who didn’t want that rock in american hands” ah. so this whole thing has been a set up. you see, i was too busy thinking thoughts like “i hope he gets out of the gulag” and also “man, i hope scully doesn’t go to jail” and “look at how they hugged!” to put that together. sometimes i am a simple viewer making no conclusions about the grander plot at hand! sometimes i am surface level! i am multi-faceted!
vassily is gonna put the rock back in the ground under the guise of fertilizer for his tomatoes
WOAH!!! agents in a helicopter :0 they look so good….
mulder is trying to scream over the loud noise of the helicopter doing its thing, which i imagine had to be an awful time to film. scully wisely just nods her head instead of attempting to communicate with words.
haha his hair is all messed up from the helicopter… hehehehe…
so he’s looking in the truck for any sort of rocks or bombs or whatnot. he sees some pipes… he is forming conclusions…
scully disembarks from the helicopter, and her hair is all messed up too (my heart!) as she climbs over a fence to get into this refinery. one thing about these two is they are gonna climb some fences!
vassily sees this going down and hides…… mulder is reaching into the pipe…. trying to grab the hidden rock… he is covered in oil!!!!
and it blowed up!!!!!!!
no!!!! scully sees the explosion,,, and vassily sneaks up behind her and puts her in a chokehold!!! he grabs her gun!!! he says he will kill her but he doesn’t want to? and that his work is done.
damn, now she’s gotta get a new gun……
she’s RUNNING to mulder who is soaked in oil and has barely escaped the explosion. she is picking him up and then… cutscene to more testimony stuff.
GIRL IS HE OKAY???
i love when they save each other <3 i love when they have to pick each other up and drag each other to safety <3 i love the panicked screaming of the other’s name <3 i love the fast and furious assessment to see if the other is okay <3 i just love these things <3
scully has evidence to present: linking a number of deaths to a biotoxin brought onto US soil! and the man who delivered it also died! and that guy was the man who krycek pushed off skinner’s balcony!
“alex krycek, who is missing and possibly deceased” oh i know better than to believe his ass is dead
the council is whispering…
they laugh at the idea of extraterrestrials, and mulder also comes to the stand… what is he gonna do…
“why is this so hard to believe?” he asks. hey i know you’ve had a rough go of it man, and there is literally an alien slug in your body, but she was doing so well…
oh! he’s going on and on about how obvious it is that extraterrestrial life forms exist!! and you need to understand this or else you are denying crucial evidence!!!
ah, i see now why the opening text. just as galileo spoke of the earth rotating around the sun but was scorned, so mulder speaks of aliens and is met with disdain. and yet, the earth continues to spin, and the aliens continue to be in his bloodstream.
“this is not why we are here today” “then why ARE we here today?” okay parallels i see you!!!
they recess… and cancer man stands up in the back……..
back to russia, where vassily is returning home, insisting he is retired to someone in his room.
OH! IT’S KRYCEK! WHO IS ADDRESSED AS “COMRAD KRYCEK” bro… he is congratulating vassily on a great job
and omg… he’s got a prosthetic arm… they really sawed his arm off…
back at DC (home) the senator is reading files and passing them to cancer man, who is tossing them in a bin??? presumably to burn??
HUH! so much for an honorable man.
okay, so much happened here. let me go in order of which thoughts are loudest.
first of all… did they know this was gonna be what they did with krycek from the start? just asking because i want to know if “needs to be fluent in russian” was on the casting call for that role or if they sprung it on him later. because that would be wild.
krycek, working with the soviets… huh. interesting implications.
second. the alien!! there is alien oil slug in krycek AND mulder now!!!! what is that going to do to them? are they gonna turn into living flash bangs like that one lady did in that one episode?? is it gonna slowly kill him? will be and scully slowly die together? i can’t imagine such a horrible thing….
third. their reunion…. damn it, it was so sweet. the way they INSTANTLY got to their feet when the recess was declared… the way he wrapped his arms around her…. oh man. oh man. and the smiles… the smiles……..
so far, s4 has not really been my jam. but this episode was really good and has given me hope that soon we shall be cooking with gas, in terms of both very juicy plot advancement and special agent bonding moments. i mean, come on, lifting him out of that explosion while he was covered in oil??! i cannot get enough of that!!!
is he going to hide that he has an alien slug in him?? is he going to be that guy in the zombie movie who acts like he didn’t get bit?? or is he going to be honest and tell her?? will she try to find a cure? wait, does he even know what happened?? because he was knocked out when all of that went down…
and what about scully’s mystery illness!!!! is she going to be okay?? are they going to be terrified for each other??
okay, okay, one thing at a time.
so, there’s an alien virus in a rock that landed on earth during the tunguska event, and the americans were working on a vaccine to protect against it. but somehow the russians knew about it, and that is likely due to krycek, who was a double agent on like three counts. they killed the leading expert on the virus in order to prevent a vaccine from being developed, and have previously used the virus in biowarfare (so i guess gulf war syndrome is alien slugs in this universe?). the guy that krycek threw off of skinner’s apartment was the one who was meant to receive the rock containing aliens, but was killed, and said virus rock was intercepted by the russians, who are having a sort of cold war 2.0 moment. over alien slug virus. which, if exposed to, will eventually kill you; why it killed dr. sachs and not all of the other men who were at the gulag is a mystery. and to try and protect the americans against this virus, the leading expert, dr. charne-sayre was testing on the elderly. and cancer man wants to cover up all of the evidence which scully and mulder have presented linking all of the deaths to the rock.
okay. i think i got most of the lore down.
i want to know what happens next!!! but i am no fool!! i know we will be given random monster of the week episodes which are also excellent but tell me nothing about the plot!!! and now that we’re dealing with alien slugs, i’m wondering, what about the actual little green men? where do they come in? is this a third type of alien? because we have the little green men we’ve seen glimpses of, sometimes mixed with human DNA; we’ve got the aliens that were clones from that species with the poison blood and can only be killed with the needle to the neck; and then these alien slugs. and also a few other random non-central to the plot alien life forms, like the ones in firewalker and ice.
where is the common thread?? how can they tie all of these up?? would tying all of these mysteries up even be satisfying?? or is it better to let some things be a mystery?? did chris carter have plans for all of this overarching stuff, or was he making it up as he went?
so many questions! but for me, basking in the warmth of their hug is my highlight
#i love how they did not answer the question “how did he actually get home” and i was so caught up in the euphoria#of seeing them be reunited i didn't even bother to ask that question myself#until i was proofreading my notes today#wow... i see how easily fooled i am from plot holes with simple tricks such as “make the main characters talk and people will ignore it”#what a fool i am! or not. hey listen sometimes i'm in a noticing things mood and sometimes i'm not#anyway. a really great episode. had they not hugged i would probably have said it was too much at once.#but they hugged so i'm satisfied. and we got some good character moments for both of them. REALLY good.#so i'm happy!#the x files#txf#juni's x files liveblog
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[Start ID. A dark, warm-toned drawing of Tundra, a robot with bladed legs and mechanical hands both lightened by frost, and a face like that of a fencing mask. She wears a blue jacket with a fluffy white ruff and pockets on the shoulders and chest, a long green skirt with tassels and pale wavy lines at the border, and a brown belt with a pouch at the side. She's shown from the right, leaning back on a stack of pillows and a wooden wall as she looks out to the left, disregarding the open book in her hand, her legs bent in front of her. Under her is a yellow and red rug which pads gritty flooring, over her are series of low, round string lights, providing soft lighting in a room that's partially open to the night sky.]
it's a friend's birthday today yet again... in honor of the occasion here's a Tundra for @automatonknight :]
#peridots-art#tundra lisa#< for lisa the hopeful? not sure if it's right to add that but thought she could have an extra tag...#mieczmaszyna#< been a while since that url... speaking of older names (one from around this time last year) you'll never guess what she's reading hehehe#@qwerty second year in a row of drawing a guy for you yippie!!! i really like tundra's design AND i really like drawing cozy scenes like#this so. even if it's a small drawing and didn't take that long i'm happy it turned out well!! actually finished it quick enough that i had#to wait for it to turn 12 in my timezone to post it :] anyway all of your characters are so dear to me and if i don't end up personally#telling you later i hope you have a great day today!! ok well that's all i think + goodnight :]#others' ocs#< ok i DID miss a tag but i haven't used it in a while! now that's one i need to see to using more often hehehehehe#OH JUST REMEMBERED TOO. i was eating pierogis near when i first began drawing this. poland moment (???????)
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Doing great
#if you just arrived here … hi my favourite musical has a movie coming out this year and I'm going bananas#and today they released a poster mimicking the stage production's poster . i'm emosh#at first i had major doubts because of Ariana Grande but oh my goodness she's proved me wrong !#i'm just beyond happy that one of my favourite things in the whole world is getting such a sweet treatment and care#you can tell the people working in the movie are really passionate about this story c':#ANYWAY !!! doing great dw !#wicked the musical#wicked movie#illustration#my art#artists on tumblr#art
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I adore Luzu, so it really warms my heart that when he was mentioned today when Phil was asking about La Velada, not only did PHIL get super excited and emphasize his support for Luzu, but Chat also got excited and hyped him up. All us crows love him so much, even though we only saw him interact with Phil once :') I hope that now his training is over, he can log back in and they can hang out again
#i talk#qsmp talk#I was MIA all day today so I was watching the VOD#I'm so glad someone brought up Luzu's fight and La Velada to Phil I was thinking nobody would#I'm really happy#I gotta stop watching now though because my stomach is killing me#MAN I wish these stomach / abdominal issues would go away#Luzu te extraño#come home#I saw Cellbit wanted to see Luzu in the game too and I'm like YESSSSSSS#Luzu loves doing lore so much he'd get along SO well with Cellbit#I didn't even consider that until now#I'm talking cc Luzu and Cellbit#their characters... might not#it depends ENTIRELY on how their first meeting goes#Anyways I'm very emo about the whole La Velada thing for many reasons#but also because I straight up thought Luzu won#they suddenly they were like no he didn't#apparently I'm not in the minority thinking this though#I was like ''well maybe my boxing knowledge isn't great''#but no#once again... another tournament with issues#and bias#and a heap of other problems I wont' spend time catching up on because YEESH that sounds like a mess#glad Luzu and the other CCs had fun though
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so many ideas of drawings to answer all the liwei & liwen asks yet here i am constrained by mortal responsibilities raaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
#rin rambles#giggling and kicking my legs ueueueueuue i'll get to it soon!!!!!!!!!!!#i'm so hyperfixated on these two now imma probably spend the weekend drawing them sobsob my babies.....#also can i say it's hilarious once again to observe the followers count plummeting on these kinda occassions lol#i've been feeling happy and content just creating these days tho which is awesome#hoping it'll last but ik mother nature is gonna kick me down soon orz#ah well just gotta ride the wave while it's high 🌊#also since i'm already rambling in the tags anyway#i miscalculated and came to the guzheng lesson 1 hr too early orz#i should have. practiced at home first. Yeesh. eepy meirin is not an organized meirin. eepy meirin is a mess™️#i feel guilty i havent had the time to practice the guzheng so idt i can play the song that smoothly today orz#but i hope the teacher will give me a new music sheet today...... maybe tian mi mi finally...... i really wanna play that song aaaaaa#ok rambles over i need to walk to the music school if you're still reading this I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND#HYDRATION CHECK. MEAL CHECK. STRETCH CHECK#YOU ARE PRECIOUS YOU MATTER YOU ARE LOVED GO GIRL/BOY/HUMANBOSS YOUR DAY I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!
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soooo. that new big time rush album huh
#how we feeling today rushers (。•̀ᴗ-)✧#also yes i've come back from the dead just to post abt this like. i owe this blog *this much* at least ykyk#anyway its like 3 in the morning here and ive just woken up after a vv long and exhausting day yesterday so this was a pleasant surprise :>#i haven't really listened to it in full yet bc idk adhd things but when the mood hits right y'all know i'll be VIBING#i never talked abt it but waves and can't get enough were great earworms so i'm excited to see how the rest of the songs will turn out#also hope everyone's doing well here on the btr side of tumblr hehe y'all been absolutely fed this year <3#is this gonna be allen's 2k23 tumblr comeback??? nah prob not i'm too in love with the fooo conspiracy atm but hey maybe also who knows 👀#(*heckler from the back of the audience* NO ONE CARES ABOUT U AND UR TRASH CONTENT IDIOT STFU FOREVER ACTUALLY!!!!!)#but yep. life has been fuck work has been a headache and so many unwanted tragic plot twists this year. but at least we got new btr lezzgo!#also happy pride month y'all!!! just saying this for absolutely no rhyme or reason related to this post at all wdym lmao ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯#okay thats all promise i'll shush now and it's time for old grampa to disappear into the darkest recesses of the internet yet again hejdååå#btr#big time rush#another life#album#stop it forever#lmao i hardly remember my dumbass blog tags;;; it's for the best hdbfkgk
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Sometimes I find myself thinking back on my first stint of work as a camp supervisor for summer camp geared towards autistic and psychotic kids when I was 21 and just like. Hoping M. is doing fine. I'm sad that I didn't have the experience then that I have now because the way I handled conflict with him was not great, and I wish I'd thought to apologize for it in the brief time we saw each other afterwards
#Matt has a life#Shit from home#Looking back that week of work and M. in particular were one of three experiences that changes.how I interact with children and teenagers#forever and imo for the much better#I'm still not perfect#I yelled at my year 7 the other day and really snapped at the y8 today#which to be fair they did have a hand in it but still you know#I'm the adult there if anyone's going to be able to regulate their emotions it should be me#but anyway#overall I have a great relationship with my students and I'm very happy about it and part of it os due to M and looking back#on the things I did wrong with him#... I kinda want to tell that story now tbh x)#might get me some angry anons but overall i really value it for what it taught me#even if it doesn't cast me in the best light
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#delete later#feeling really........bad#like actually so not good#and i know its because my period is coming today or tomorrow#but i am. really not well atm and i am so tired but i can't sleep and i feel weird and not part of myself#and i'm so tired im so tired im so tired#i am so happy with my life and where it is#but i want to sleep for a couple years maybe#maybe longer idk#and like i'm gonna be fine#but. i am. not great rn#and i don't even have anyome to talk to about it because it's fucking 4am#anyway. whatever.
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ben platt was so right when he said (to paraphrase) your heart can break so much that it breaks open and lets love in. that's 2023 to me baby.
#experienced Real grief and heartbreak for the first time in my life#lived alone for most of the year and really Grew Up because of it#lost the three people i was closest with and lost the person i became for them to love me (which is a good thing)#learned a lot about art and life and myself and what it means to Be Alive.#was this year objectively bad for me??? look at all my personal posts honey.#but i feel like i've Grown so much and i'm really proud of myself not Despite everything that happened but because of it#i'm not ashamed to have loved and made choices and to have been wrong about So Many Things!!! i am so young and always learning!!!#i feel like Myself for the first time in Years. and for the first time since i can remember i genuinely feel Fine.#a lot of things are bad and i have bad days (today was one of them) but!!! i am hopeful and i am Determined to survive and be happy.#i do not have to be great!!! i do not have to be good!!! i simply have to be and that is enough!!!#one thing i said this year that haunts me is when the person i was in love with told me i was being silly for having a panic attack#and i responded with 'why should i feel silly for experiencing true emotion?'. and that's just really guided me since i said it.#ANYWAYS. insane year for me. this time last year i was madly in love and denying So Much and this year i am Accepting and loving what i have#this has been the return of isaac's insane personal posts. which are happening So Much Less due to the healing but hey!! we ball!!#i love you friends who live in my phone <3 if you're still reading happy new year and may you find whatever you're searching for <3
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i did it!!!!!!!! i finally finished wuthering heights 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
#really good book. FAR from my favourite but it's great#got a bit tedious at times but i think that's because of the way it's written. maybe it's not for me and that's ok#i'll do the other poll later today so you choose a classic 4 me bc we know i can't choose#after that one i'll for sure read tsoa to take a little break from classics and the one that comes in second might be my last of the year#might ask for a contemporary one for my birthday. to read next year#anyways i'm happy#cami.txt
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just gonna dump real quick dont mind me xo
#today's been a really bad day mentally but also i'm ???? kinda proud of myself for how i've handled it#i've def cried a lot and had a few anxiety attacks so that wasnt great but on the other hand#i've tried so hard to keep myself busy and distracted so it didnt get BAD bad yknow#like i recognised what i was feeling and tried to make it better#i read. i wrote. i cross-stitched. i watched a movie i love. i listened to some happy music....#i reached out to a couple of friends and told them i was having a bad day and felt a bit lonely so we arranged some stuff to do#most facetiming bc they all live up north but still#mostly*#also arranged a movie night with my flatmates#and tomorrow i'm gonna make an appointment with the doctor to get back on my meds bc today got a bit scary#so like ??? yep definitely one of the worst mental health days i've had in a while but i'm so proud of how i handled it tbh#bc i spiralled definitely but i could have made it a lot worse for myself but i didnt#anyway sorry for this heavy post i just wanted a lil vent#holly.txt#mental health tw#just in case idk????
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oh no a new kink has been discovered but not for me
#my eyes were blessed on my adventure to the dollar store today.#i certainly never see this very often but... the cutest guy was going down the same aisle as me#and now i only know these next facts because i'm an honest girl with kind intentions#but this cute guy was wearing the cutest dress and i'd asked him where he'd got it from#(probably shouldn't have bc i bought it as soon as i got home even tho i just bought a bunch of other dresses)#so we started talking a little bit and he goes “you're really not curious?”#and i'm like “well yes but like... i don't want to make you uncomfortable accidentally”#and he's like “ig that's up to me to decide really but thanks anyway”#and it's like he had the spiel ready bc he's definitely had people ask him before#i'm not great with the terminology but he says he's a cis male who likes chicks and dudes and also loves crossdressing#and i've legit never spoke with nor seen someone so comfortable and happy in a conversation like this#ntm GOD he was so attractive in that dress#and OFC he already has a girlfriend!!! ;-;#anyway... that's the thing i discovered about myself#crossdressing men hits differently when they're in front of you vs in a pic online#i mean they're pretty there too but in person??? it's been HOURS and the butterflies still be flappin#his gf is lucky........ *kicks rocks*#god i need to dip my toe in the pool.#✦ nc vb.
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I can not stress enough how much this man is flirting with you. I'm in physical pain watching you say he's not into you. 😩
Man idk what to tell you lmao he's probably not
#not snz#this is normal behavior i think and I'm just being weird about it ahskamsk#stole his jacket tho 😌#he still has a sweatshirt so it's fine I'm not killing the guy lmao#but i never bring sweatshirts or jackets anywhere unless it's for outfit purposes#all my coworkers hate it they throw sweatshirts and jackets at me frequently when it starts getting cool lmao#i never really feel cold but i have raynaud's so it looks like I'm dying if you look at my hands#also like millions of other people worldwide my nose runs when it's cold so that doesn’t help my case#oh my god wait maybe i do the 'my hands are cold feel' thing on him 👀#nah I'm too much of a pussy bitch for that ahdkakskal#this is so fucking funny i haven't done that since high school lmaooo#usually either my coworkers will just grab one of my hands and feel for themselves#or i harass them by putting a hand on the back of their neck like an ice cube lmaooo#it's great in the summer bc my hands are always cold they're just worse in the winter#anyway let me stop being insane ahdkaksk#oh also unrelated but I'm waiting at ine of the food trucks rn so y'all already know I'm happy about that lmao#this is the fourth time today ahdkaksla i need to Stop on all fronts
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Head in my hands wondering if I'll have to cut the entire Chume Labs section out because it's more suited to being a different chapter, but also knowing the next chapter can't have it either so I might have to cut it from this fic entirely aaaAAAAAAAAAA
#i talk#fic talk#I was thinking I could stay up a while and try to finish this chapter so I could maybe post it tomorrow#but this is really eating me up#On the one hand... a solely Fuga chapter would be great#on the other hand... this chapter is supposed to show their growth from Fuga to the Chume Labs era#(even if it IS 99% about Fuga)#because that's what the chapter's theme is about#Agh#I'll keep chipping away at things regardless#Anyways for folks who like numbers#so far of everything I've already written / edited I have 5588 words#If I solely make this a Fuga chapter there are 1135 words left in my draft#meaning the final total of the chapter will be around 7000 words more or less since I tend to add a lot more stuff when I'm editing#I've got 1870 words (approximately) written for the Chume Labs section#which means if I do the entire Fuga + Chume Labs part this chapter will probably be just under 10000 words#@ __________ @#Maybe I should split this chapter up and make the Chume Labs part an interlude#Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm#Or maybe I'll throw it in Chapter 4 after all. Hell I dunno#We'll see how I feel once I finish editing all the Fuga stuff#I'm pretty happy with the Fuga stuff though but oh boy did it kill me#I think the reason I'm waffling about the Chume Labs bit is because technically it wasn't supposed to be included in this chapter#I had the idea two (?) ish weeks ago and went ''Wait that's a great idea to add''#which is how 99% of my writing goes and is one of the reasons why everything takes so long lol#But anyways. Yeah it's looking like no chapter update today (or I guess tomorrow depending on your timezone)#Sorry guys!#But it's almost done
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h.aar deserves sooo many kisses
#ash rambles 💚#i showed you my wyvern please respond 💤#like yeah i get that h.aar's whole deal is that he's always sleepy and it's a haha funny gag and all but. he's been through a lot#if i were him I'd never wanna be awake either#i just wanna hold him close and tell him i love him#his and ash's ending is really cute#they basically settle down on the countryside and raise baby wyverns together#neither of him ever holds a weapon again. ever.#more than twenty years of nothing but fighting.. and finally it's all over.#he's a loving (eventual) husband to ash and a great wyvern dad too. they don't want kids theyre very happy with their wyverns#i just love him so much. he's such a little shit sometimes but he's smart and strong and so fucking cool.. he's so badass.. that one line he#has where the other guy is like 'I'll die for that guy! that guy is great!' and h.aar is like 'yes. you will.' goes sooo hard#haard if you will#get it?#heh.#anyways tomorrow my f.ire emblem cipher cards are coming in! i got a h.aar! and some others! well.. tomorrow.. more like today.. it's 2:30.#my quarter is finishing on the 22nd so i've just been working nonstop since then. yeah. at least a week later is pax!!!!!! exciting right?#i know a lot of people travel for it but. I'm cooler than everyone. I'm a local.#i jest i jest ajdjajd it's not even that great up here#yeah. thats basically it. i should probably go to sleep now! it's been a long last few days.. both with school and irl shit..#i truly am too hot to catch a break huh?#n e ways..#h.aar my beloved!!! it's so nice when it's nighttime because he takes off his eyepatch. the scar underneath is fucking ugly. I'm not gonn#a sugarcoat that. but it's part of him and i love all of him so i love that scar too.#he always looks at ash so lovingly with his one good eye whenever they cuddle#I'm gonna quit rambling now ajdhajhs otherwise I'll be here forever going on and on and on about my h.aar#goodnighhtttt!
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Phone buying update 👍 gonna have to take a fucking, moment LMAO. I have seen so many beautiful phones to buy. And I will. But I am not that fucking rich. I've been spending a lot of money lately. This is good for my health tho. I'm really excited to, actually do something with my bedroom.
One thing I kinda super want to buy despite being as expensive as a phone is this little... Phone shaped ceramic thing for rings. But I'd focus less on accessories for now more on the real thing.
I'm torn in which model to buy first. My options are that 500 model looking beauty or the baquelita model. I'm more leaning for the type 500 looking cutie. Bc he's stupid cheap. 7500 bc of a dent. There's a fixed one at 15k but do I look like a collectionist? I'm just a faggot. I don't discriminate.
I'm also gonna be wasting money tomorrow. Gotta buy silly things. (Pens, paper. Gonna start journaling).
Excited for my FETAP on Thursday tho. We opening the only fans boys /J
#luly talks#...unless?#i mean if its in the condition I'm expecting it of course I'll post tit or something just out of sheer hype#SIIIIIGH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE OF THE AUTISTIC GAY. better go eat dinner now. i usually am ready for bed at this hour. wont skip dinner tho.#it's... it's been a long day ok. I'm... sit with me chat let me wind down a little.#let me recap. i bought that phone. i really did. found a beautiful offer for a beautiful cheap phone in great condition. exciting#i went to therapy. it was a good sessh. it was silly#we just spoke. i mentioned that. glossed over the ptsd. it's ok. I'm better than that#i neglected my duties tonight. will embrace them after dinner. my... below my ribcage. both sides pinching me#my colon... yeowch...#anyway. good session. and i came back feeling good.#i tried to start journaling. failed. but such is life lmao#dad told me we'd go buy shit tomorrow. gonna press him to do so.#i got to write oc stuff w my boyfriend. very silly very fun. i need to draw Tuvy and Cottontail together someday. randy too. normal trip#i didnt do artfight! but that's ok bc i found out they're extending it#and i ! also made plans w my bffff. excited and happy for that too.#a lot happened today. even if i went to bed at 3 pm bc i was freezing my balls off. it was a great day.#i... am happy with it. even with my stupidly empty stomach#I ALSO GOT TO ANSWER MESSAGES. MESSAGES I'D NOT OPENED IN TOO LONG. THAT'S GREAT TOO#i got a lot done today. and i cooked food lol#tomorrow i gotta solo the doctor but thats ok
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