#anyways this is my experience once again but I am sad to see that some people are being treated poorly ://

[iamhereinthebg]

This may be a strange question but have you ever been bullied in the tbhk fandom? I am having a hard time here

Heya no worries at all for the question! This is an important thing and if you needed to have a place to say it I am happy you did!

I really hope people will be nicer to you :// There is never a good reason for bullying unfortunately it happens a lot on internet QvQ my only advice would be to block those people and/or delete anonymous asks for a while if people are just putting stuff as anonymous :///

To answer your questions, idk if it counts as bullying but I was the target of some stuff like that yep, and tbh I don't really know why. People can have the opinions they want but I will be honest in the tbhk fandom you like a character or a ship that is not 'what everyone in the fandom should like' and people start menacing you for no reason.

A lot of people in this fandom are kids who sometimes don't get what insulting people do. (and not only kids but it is one of the reason, I feel like a lot don't have 'internet basis' like not saying everything about yourself on twitter help.)

Which is also one of the reason I am taking my distances with anyone in this fandom because I had too many unwanted stuff like when I was just trying to be nice and answer messages. It's not because we are in the same fandom that we are bffs.

This is sad to say but yes I don't think you can just have fun 'fun' in this fandom anymore, people will make sure you have a hard time for no reason and honestly I am tired of people who are unable to understand that we aren't just bots on the internet and that Surprise! people have feelings wow

I hope you will be better but don't hesitate to take some time off the fandom a bit ^^ I am being overly dramatic here because I had some bad experiences (I've been in the fandom since the start of 2020 so welp) but a lot of people are really nice and I am sure you can make some friends too ^^ (I did too! even if a lot aren't in the fandom anymore, it's nice seeing mutuals from far away doing their lives)

[freethefable]

having a bad time :thumbsup:

[twizzie-lairs]

My Darling, My Honey

Alastor X Fem!Reader (Part 2)

Part 1 | Part 2

Quick Notes:

This is when both reader/you and Alastor are both alive. (... we'll probably end up in hell later on btw so stay tuned...)

Reader is an artist/painter.

Part 2:

Every day and night you had to stay trapped at home, it felt like nails on a chalkboard after that one fateful meeting that night.

The only thing that made the time bearable was the radio. Alastor told you he hosted a radio show. As so, you soon became one of his most loyal listeners. Anything to relive the moment when you felt like a person again.

So when the night finally came, that you could escape to Mimzy's establishment the next town over, you were over the moon at the chance to see Alastor again.

Luckily for you, your husband was going to be away for a week this time.

That night, you made it to the bar a bit later than usual, you had to be extra sure that it was safe to leave town unnoticed after a close call of almost being discovered by some relatives that lived nearby.

When you enter the bar, you hear some piano music. It wasn't unusual for Mimzy to invite musicians or let patrons play some music at the piano that resides in the bar, as long as they didn't get boo'ed off the stage. But this music stirred something in your soul, making you hurry into the bar.

It was Alastor.

You gasp, your heart beating a million miles a minute. You were so drawn to him. In this moment, the jazzy music that filled the air and filled up all the holes in your heart. You were captivated. So captivated, that you forgo greeting Mimzy and the bar entirely, in favor of walking over to Alastor at the piano.

He gives you a surprised look before smiling and immersing himself in the music once more.

You smile back and you can't help but sing along to Alastor's piano playing. The song was a classic, and also one your personal favorites.

As you sing, you sit down on the piano bench next to him. You notice he doesn't open his eyes, but the smile on his face deepens as your duet continues.

When your song comes to an end, it feels like you came back down to earth. The bar erupted in applause, the embarrassment flushing your whole face pink. You look over to Alastor who's looking at you with such a warm expression.

"My dear, what a lovely voice you have. Your talents truly seem boundless. I am quite surprised you knew that song."

You spend the rest of the night tucked away in a private corner talking with Alastor about all sorts of things, interests, likes, dislikes, deep conversations about life, and even your fears. But never once did you mention your home life, you'd rather die than let Alastor find out. The last thing you need is for him to treat you differently.

When you mention you listened to his every show ever since the night that you first met, his eyes light up and something in him clicked. He took your chin gently in his hand and brought your face closer to his, "Oh my, I have never met a finer woman with even finer tastes in entertainment~" which caused your heart to flutter like never before.

The tension and feelings between the two of you were palpable. It was clear to the rest of the bar that the two of you were smitten with each other, something akin to love at first sight. You tow were inexplicably drawn to each other.

You wish you didn't have to leave and go back home. But you knew you had to get home before dawn, even if you were going to come back the next day/night anyway. Relatives and in-laws usually liked to stop by unannounced and if they found the house empty, you'd be in for a world of punishment and pain. It happened once, and you would rather not relive that experience ever again.

So even though it pained you greatly, you had to say goodbye to Alastor. As you stood up to leave, Alastor's hand still held yours, you could tell he was reluctant to let you leave. Very rarely did he have the chance to enjoy such cultured and lovely conversation. With a sad and somber expression, you walked away, his hand slowly sliding out of yours.

"I hope you come back to me, ma chérie ..."

-> Part 3

[charmedreincarnation]

TW: SA, possibly death??

Hey there fellow witches and warlocks, it's spooky season and I am loving it! I recently discovered the void state through yoga nidra and your reverse psychology method charm, and I was ready to manifest my dream life. October is my birth month and my favorite season, so I was excited to see what the universe had in store for me and whoa did it come through.

It's unfortunate to see that SA victims like me and others are still getting death and rape threats. I was inspired by a blog who shared her experience with yoga nidra, but then deactivated due to trolls sending her horrible messages. It's sad to see people hating on others' success, but we won't let them bring us down.

I manifested everything I desired of course my mind came through!! - from my desired face, body, aura, zodiac, personality, voice, talents, friends, family, and so much more. A few things I've manifested include a dark academia mansion, billionaire parents who aren't known, a witchy and Halloween-themed small business, and an eco-friendly private jet.

I know some of you may be concerned about the "death note" I've manifested, but it's just for fun - I'm a huge fan of Light Yagami from Death Note. I won't actually use it, but it's a cool spook factor to have.

Here’s a tiny list anyways ⬇️

🎃Desired face, body, aura zodiac, personality, voice, talents, friends, family and so much more. I had this long wattpadd story ass list that I obviously won’t share here but trust me my mind came through .

🎃open minded witchy family, dark academia ass mansion, Pinterest dark academia wardrobe in my massive closet that’s the size of a room, billionaire parents who aren’t known (I love my privacy and I love being mysterious), wattpadd billionaire love story to happen in the future. Yes not now…. I’ve been ugly all my life so I want to be a slut right for a bit not sorry, everyone loves and falls in love with me, Idgaf personality, Scorpio sun moon and rising, bold attitude that is adored, but a kind heart for the people I love and so much more. Again like most people I had a very long list on my google documents

🎃I own a witchy candy and Halloween small business!!! but I’m going to be making 100 million dollars a year so I will be a billionaire in the future. I like working and having a craft and it’s just so me, ugh I love my life !!! But I’m going to hire my two best friends that I manifested so we can all be successful rich witch bitches who travel the world and have too much money to spend

🎃an environment friendly private jet. It won’t affect the environment as I love the environment but I also hate flying commercial! I’m also vegan now, I couldn’t be one before due to health issues, but I love animals 🥹🥹🥹 and now I’m rich enough to have healthy tasty cruelty free food.

🎃anyone who sends death threats, rape threats, or engages in a bitter manner on that tea page including the owner will never get into the void until they grow up and acknowledge that they’re weirdos. I’m not as forgiving as these other big blogs. Bye ✌️

🎃anytime I say “you’ll die alone” when im arguing with a man 🤮🤮 (incels, misgyonists, racists not men who aren’t insufferable ofc love y’all) they actually will, and no one will ever love them, until they grow up and once again acklowege their faults. As you can see I’m very into vigilante justice and I’m petty 👻 I’m a witch anyways so now my craft will be perfect.

🎃all my spells and curses work! And any harm attempted to be done to me always backfires On the person 10x worse ! Yea this is my world everyone’s just living in it.

🎃psychokenis, my eyes being able to turn red, divine protection for me and my loved ones, the ability to speak to animals, and never aging. The last thing I manifested a way to benefit all !!!! research age regression and see how we will all be eternal youthful witch bitches in the future ;) I got inspired by my grandma who retired but us too old to enjoy her life. Now she can and we call be 150 and still sexy with 0 bodily pain. I also always hated how we slowly decompose and lose bodily function until we die.. like why can’t we be sexy and bodily abled forever!! This will also help with health issues and diseases like cancer! Just one way to give back for my blessings. And the rest is just to spook bitches tbh I don’t plan on actually doing anything but speaking to animals.

🎃I manifested a death note. Now before y’all start I just really love light yagami I don’t think I will actually use it or maybe I will just to spook bitches but whatever

🎃so much more that I don’t want to share because it’s too long!

So, fellow hot bitches and witches , keep manifesting your dreams and never let anyone bring you down. Remember, we were born to be happy, rich, and loved. It is in your DNA and my word is final !!!!! I’m gonna leave my dream life and be a whore now lova yaaaa 🖤🖤🖤

Lmfao slay 😭😭 idk if it’s too early or what but this sending me for some reason! Anyways I wish you all the best in your life and dreams. Have a great spooky season! I love witches and Halloween too 🧞‍♀️🧞‍♀️

[honeyboylovee]

i can do it (for you)

Pairing: Non-idol!Vernon x reader

Word count: 1k

Genre: Fluff, Angst(just a little cos I can’t, for the life of me write angst), implied strangers to lovers

Warnings: mentions of anxiety, reader refuses to accept any help, mentions of negative experiences from the past

A/N: Before saying anything else, I have to say that I am not satisfied with the ending. But I really do not know how to end this. Also this is a little different from my previous works. This may or may not be written from personal experiences. Also, I did a little word play in the title if you guys notice that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Thank you for reading! Feedbacks are appreciated.

You believe yourself to be self-sufficient. It hadn’t always been this way. Several times in the past, there had been instances when you’d had to ask for people’s help- be it your peers, friends or your then-partners. And more times than not, these people, after helping you, made you feel like you owe them something. Their help started to feel like an obligation. You hated the feeling. You still do.

As you grew both mentally and emotionally, you stopped asking people for help. It wasn’t immediate. It took you time to get rid of. You wouldn’t care how difficult a task would be, you never asked for assistance or help. It was almost as if you had a point to prove. You didn’t know who you were proving it to, but you were.

This wasn’t a habit you were particularly proud of. You hated that you couldn’t trust someone enough to ask for help or accept the offered help. You hated that you were scared of people imposing an obligation on you. You hated it. And yet you did nothing about it.

That was until you met Vernon. You met him at a party. Your friend introduced him to you as her coworker. As you chatted, you discovered you had similar taste in music. And so the conversation flowed. You later discovered that you didn’t have a ride back home since your roommate left early. And it was too late for you to find a taxi. Vernon was quick to offer a ride back home. That’s when your habit of declining anybody and everybody’s help kicked in. You politely refused making a lame excuse. An excuse that you needed to sober up and so you’d walk back home. He didn’t want to push you on that. After all you’d just met. You ended up exchanging numbers with Vernon that day.

It was early on in your relationship when Vernon started noticing this habit of yours. He was observant when it came to your mannerisms. You loved and hated that at the same time. There had been an instance where he offered to bring you some lunch at your workplace. You had been late that day and hadn’t gotten the time to make any food. You had once again denied his offer.

‘I love the ramen from the cafe downstairs. I’ll just have that today.’, you’d told him.

You ended up eating two protein bars for lunch since you had a meeting at lunch and didn’t find the time or energy to go and have actual food.

Another time, it was a task as minuscule as tying your shoelaces. He noticed they were untied before you did. And so like any boyfriend(not all of them but that’s not the point) would, Vernon proceeded to bend down to tie them. That’s when his hands were stopped mid-air by your hands.

‘Wait wait wait…I’ll tie them’, you were quick to say as you beant down to tie your laces.

To say that he was dejected was an understatement. Man, he just wanted to tie his girlfriend’s shoelaces! Was that too much to ask for? As an ‘acts-of-service’ man that he was, he often became sad when you did that. He had to have a conversation with you soon.

As you reached home, he had been looking for an opportunity to start the conversation. He could see the opportunity from a hindsight when you complained about how sore your shoulders felt. He knew what he had to do then. He casually offered to massage them to make you feel better. And as he had expected, you refused. Frustration bubbled in him. But he managed to remain calm.

‘You never let me help you, lovie.’

He watched as your eyes widened for a second. Then, you were normal again.

‘That’s not true. They’re not that sore anyway. Maybe I just need some sleep and I’ll be fine.’

‘I’m not just talking about your shoulders. It’s just in general that you never accept any help from me or from anyone.’

Now you were the one getting frustrated. He could see it in the way you sighed. But he wasn’t going to leave the topic right now.

‘When have I ever refused any help from you?’, you said with a raised pitch to your voice. That was another indication that you’d lose your temper soon.

‘When have you not?’, he continued. He knew it was a tricky shot but he hit it anyway.

What he didn’t expect was the tears in your eyes following your prolonged silence. How could he forget? The raised pitch of your voice also meant you could cry soon. He was quickly on your side comforting you as you sobbed a little.

‘I don’t do it because I don’t want your help or because I think you can’t do a task.’, you spoke through your tears. ‘I just don’t want to be a burden on you. I have always done that to everyone around me. And…people, sometimes even my own friends made me feel like I owe them something even if they were the ones who offered to help me. It’s not the help that makes me anxious but the feeling after.’

You looked at him through your damp eyelashes. He was speechless, to say the least. When he decided to confront you about this, he hadn’t expected the reason to be that. Hell, he had even expected you to change the topic or make a poor excuse. His first instinct then was to engulf you in his arms till your sobs turned to sniffles.

‘You’re not a burden on me, lovie. You know I like helping you with chores, right? It makes me happy when I’m able to help you, be it making you food, tying your shoelaces or ordering your skincare for you. I feel zero burden doing that. Trust me, lovie.’, you listened to him as he poured his heart out, not looking at him.

You nodded then, not saying anything else.

‘What am I supposed to understand from that, hm?’

‘I’ll let you do some of the work from now.’, you said so softly that he would’ve missed it if he didn’t have all his attention on you.

‘You don’t need to ask for help. It’s good that you can do your work yourself. But if you ever need some, let me know, okay?’

[blackjackkent]

Another answer for one of @astreamofstars 's prompts from this ask for this ask meme: Kiss Roulette.

"33. A kiss to a scar, birthmark, injury, or other marking - Lae'zel/character of your choice"

Some context-less Shadowzel from Act 3 after the House of Grief, bc I haven't fully figured out how to include them in Rakha's playthrough yet. XD This is my first attempt at writing this pairing; hopefully it scans well! :D

-----

“Do you wish me to call you Jenevelle?”

Shadowheart peers out from her tent at Lae’zel sitting by the fire. “Why would you ask that?” she snaps irritably.

It’s not a fair response, and she knows it as soon as the words are out of her mouth. To her credit, Lae’zel doesn’t flinch from the moment’s sharpness, but answers in kind. “A thing true across all planes, I find, istik, is that most prefer to be called by their names.”

“It’s not my name. My name is Shadowheart.”

“A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed.” Lae’zel looks over her shoulder to meet Shadowheart’s eyes. A slight pause. “I am not your enemy… Shadowheart.”

Shadowheart lets out a heavy breath and her head ducks. “No,” she says. “No, you aren’t.”

She should know better, really. They certainly began as enemies, but so much has changed. They have suffered so much together. They have stood side by side, watching their religions burn to cinders in front of them, and found each other amidst the ashes.

It was meaningless sex at first, half-desire and half-anger, driven by a need for some kind of nameless forgetful oblivion where they could forget that their worlds had fallen apart. Gradually, though, it has become more than that. She has been allowed to see gentleness in the gith, and Lae’zel has been allowed to see her vulnerability in turn - and both things have been hard-won knowledge indeed, secrets held between the two of them, shown to no one else. 

Zhak vo'n'ash duj, Lae’zel called her once in a moment of passion. She hasn’t explained what it means, but Shadowheart can guess the implications.

And here she is, lashing out yet again anyway, as if it were still their first few days on the road, when preemptive strikes felt like the only way to survive. Gods, she’s so scared. Gods… it hurts.

“I’m… sorry,” she mutters, hunching her shoulders - as if still in expectation of mocking after all these months. “That wasn’t fair.”

“Chk. You owe no apologies,” Lae’zel says - still curt but quieter. “I am no yank to be felled with a harsh word. And it is not the first I have had from you, nor will it be the last.” She turns back to the fire and prods carefully at the meat roasting there, turning it carefully. “Nor would I wish otherwise.”

Shadowheart finds herself mesmerized by watching the other woman's fingers, surprisingly dexterous in counterpoint to her battering-ram combat style. “Do you know your parents?” she asks abruptly. “Did you leave family behind, in Kliir?” 

“The yanki are raised together in creche.” With quick, efficient motions, Lae'zel pulls the meat from the fire and lays it out on a platter nearby. “A cadre of nestmates is our first and only family.” She frowns. “Still, I am not blind to what you have lost.”

Shadowheart nods silently. Lae'zel's experiences are so alien at times that it is hard to imagine the places where they overlap. But they are both alone in a world full of shadowy uncertainty. 

“You're all I have left, you know.” The words emerge in a sudden rush; she looks down at her hands, ashamed without knowing why. 

And then Lae'zel's hands close over hers, calloused and rough from a life of swordwork, but gentle in their touch on her skin. 

“I am not blind to that either,” she says, her voice low. “You will not be alone while I am here.” She considers for a moment before going on, “In creche we are taught ra'quith vlaak - the frail perish. To cover for another's weakness is to open your own flank.” Her eyes lift to meet Shadowheart's, intent and serious and sad. “Perhaps once I found wisdom in this, but no more. You shall find me guarding the scarred places in you, and you shall guard mine.”

Slowly, with scrupulous care, she lifts Shadowheart's hand and presses her lips over the heavy black scar, the last mark of Shar's torments, that lingers on her skin.

Blood rushes to Shadowheart's face. She feels acutely conscious of the fact that Lae'zel has never before showed her any gesture of warmth in view of the rest of the camp. And she can see the flicker of anxiety that goes through the gith's cat's-pupil eyes with the action. 

But Lae'zel has been afraid a long time. She has never let it drive her actions - never before and not now. 

And Shadowheart feels her own courage rise in answer to it. “Yes,” she agrees softly. “As long as you'll let me.”

“Chk,” Lae'zel mutters. “You speak as if you think such promises come with endings.”

Shadowheart doesn't answer for a long while. “I have suffered many broken ones,” she finally says softly. “But not from you.”

Lae'zel's eyes brighten, and she kisses Shadowheart again, this time cupping a palm to her cheek. Like all of their kisses, it is fierce and rough, commanding, unrelenting, but it carries certainty in it that Shadowheart desperately needs. “Nor shall you,” she murmurs. “Zhak vo'n'ash duj.”

[samglyph]

Good morning. Season 4 finale.

Holy smokes gang. What an episode. I absolutely loved it. I think it took a little bit for me to become really invested despite the in medias res thing we had going on, but once that action started I was in it. The visuals this episode were great, I especially liked the description of the mollusk mask on the viziers face. I also was quite pleased about the little reference to hastur being the peacock king that’s fun.

I know a lot of people are sad about the butcher. I am not because as soon as he showed up again I figured he would be one of the casualties of the episode, and narratively I like that it was Kayne who did it as opposed to Larson or an unnamed cultist or alien, especially considering I had a theory that Kayne was connected to the music in his head and the powers he had. I did love the twist of him being on our side though I actually audibly reacted to that. It surprised me but made sense in the perfect way. It also makes perfect sense to not include that scene, but I am excited to see some of the fan work that comes out of that missing piece. I’m AMAZED that Charlie managed to make it out alive, but then again he might be bleeding out on a street in Spain right now. Oh well. No body no death so I’m counting him as still kicking.

Speaking of Charlie, I loved the scene where John was forced to come clean. I liked how it twisted the previous scene of Arthur speaking for John and John finally being heard by someone else and feeling so so happy, to now be forced into a position where that newfound relationship is potentially going to be destroyed because he no longer has the option of privacy. Wild.

Of all the scenes with yellow, predictably Arthur’s confrontation and apology was my favorite. He’d already admitted fault in a previous episode but this I think is where it really hit home. And in other lines, while Yellow remained adamant that he didn’t care, you could tell that he genuinely did want to understand the connection between Arthur and John, and wanted to understand why he couldn’t experience the same thing. Most tragic fragment of a nightmare king. I hope you have fun flaying Larson alive for the next couple thousand years. Also why was Larson so flirty this episode dude he killed your son stop whispering in his ear like that.

And then of course, we get to Kayne. Kayne Kayne Kayne Kayne. Glad we got confirmation that Kayne isn’t/it doesn’t matter if he’s nyarlthotep because while have a fondness for the crawling chaos and Call of Cthulhu mythos, I actually like when things are separate from that. Plus I think it makes him scarier if he can’t quantify his existence. Holding out his bloody hand for Arthur to take and Arthur choosing to go with him willingly obviously paralleling his denial of Larson earlier in the episode. I also liked his takedown of Larson a lot. Fuck that guy.

Anyway @everyone who questioned why I draw Kayne covered in blood in every scene even when he’s not fresh off a carcosan murder spree how does it feel to be wrong.

[sgiandubh]

https://www.tumblr.com/thefrsers/727642239173525504/samcait-watching

Did you write something about their moment 😍🫠with Josh?

Dear Moment with Josh Anon,

Once again, I do apologize for the very, very late answer. As Relocation Week-end is now within reasonable sight, days are shorter and you do find yourself caught in a thousand little idiotic details. Car insurance, doggie shots for Bebe, car check-up, bank, boxes and the whole Marie Kondo tidy geisha circus - you'd be surprised to find out how many things don't spark joy anymore and will be donated to the local Catholic parish, for example. All this hullaballoo will somewhat slow my presence here: not to oblivion (they'd wish!), just a tad & I am already sorry - but (as JAMMF once said) I must.

But we're here for S&C and this is what you should read about in this answer, Anon.

Here is a relevant clip of last summer's Happy Sad Confused Special, I found online, just to make sure we are on the same page:

Anyways. Even if I am not Horowitz's most devoted groupie, I must admit the guy knows perfectly well how to navigate the S&C Narrative River and even its Dissimulation Straits, without ever pushing things up to the Point of No Return. He definitely knows things and if anyone still imagines by now all these 'impromptu' interviews are not at least discussed before the event, well...

In a nutshell, there are - as a rule of thumb - very few spontaneous things about interviews, lately. But then, you can also have unexpected gems like the one above, because it is my belief that this has not been rehearsed or discussed before: their reactions are genuine.

I know many people have talked about it before, so I am not sure what I could add to what was already said, except perhaps a couple of cursory observations.

When she is moved, her Irish accent comes back with a vengeance and then she gradually returns to 'normal' as she relaxes back. But that, to me was a giveaway of how surprised and moved she was to see that reel.

When he is moved, he immediately blurts something cheeky and (often, but not here) borderline inappropriate. 'Actually it's interesting seeing that, like, how physical we were and we just met' (01:50). These, I believe, are coping mechanisms. And yes, I am aware that some believe they met before or that he knew at least something about her. I respectfully disagree: I think what we saw that day, at that chemistry test, were two actors desperate to get a much-needed part and giving their best for it. But, unlike the cynical and corny know-it all out there, I also think we witnessed two human beings who also happened to fall in love at first sight. And that, Anon, is something extraordinary and very rare to experiment, let alone to watch.

And this is something that they both know: how could you ever forget that happening to you? And yes, they are very guarded (he, more than her) but if you watch closely enough (and manage not to feel like a filthy voyeur), you'll understand there is more than meets the eye about These Two.

Once again, I am sorry for the delay. This should serve me well as a lesson in leaving the cheap drama behind and focus on what is important.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for writing a paragraph on how I want to drop my friends?

(15F for ref, everyone in here is also F and around the same age)

In 2022, I returned from a six-week camp session with friends I only see once a year (pretty shitty experience ngl, but I still had fun), A couple days later, they accused me of stealing this girl's shirt since I was the last one to wear it. I told her I didn't and I wouldn't. I had a similar steal it because. They proceed to accuse me, so to get out my feelings I write this lengthy paragraph in my notes app expressing my thoughts and what I don't like about the group. This never gets sent out, and we stay friends.

In 2023, they went to camp again (for the last eligible year so it was very special to them), but I stayed home due to pre-existing commitments. This was also the time when the notes app trend was going on, a.k .a. where people would post their notes app and all the antics they wrote. I also posted a video like this, and on the sixth slide, I put the paragraph that I wrote in 2022 (it said 2022 at the top). They didn't immediately see this because they weren't allowed to have their phones, but I private the video before they got back due to a mental health issue I had accidentally aired out. At this time, I saw nothing wrong with the paragraph being included because all the issues had blown over.

A couple months later, I un-privated the video because YOLO and the group found it and immediately got hated on so hard for the video. They post pictures of me to social media stories write paragraphs about how awful of a person I am, create lies about me, and comment on all of my Tiktok posts where I talk about the issue, despite me being vague.

I don't know where I stand in this issue because yeah, I didn't go to the trip this year, and the paragraph was admittedly rude, but they didn't even give me a chance to explain, and getting body shamed on a private Snapchat story when they know I had an ED isn't something i think I deserve, but I need outsider perspective.

The paragraph for reference:

I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. The whole entire time I was at camp I felt isolated because I was not as involved and as social with the boys as you guys were/are, and that might not be your fault, but you guys have no care in that being the only thing you discuss on this group chat. Every time I text about something else, it always gets pushed to the side and now you are accusing me of stealing (name)’s top. I agree, I was the last on to wear it, but distinctly remember throwing it back into (name)'s trunk. I am sorry it did not make the trip back home, but it is not my fault. I don’t want your slutty top anyways, I only borrowed it because my ebb to street wasn’t going to work. I have done so much for you guys, like letting everyone borrow my clothes, giving away my lululemon, and while some of my pieces were stolen, I am not pointing fingers at random people because I have control of my feelings. So many words have been wasted protecting the reputation of Cabin 10 from others who think you guys are attention-seeking whores (you want names? It’s the whole fucking camp), and everyone looked at me in pity when I cried into my hands because I was so sad. I have heard you guys talk shit about me in front of my face (*giggling and whispering* Are you going to try out for the play? No that’s weird. Both heads turn towards me, and laughter erupts out of the two mouths. You know who you are), and you guys have talked shit about each other to me, so I can only imagine what has been said about me. I felt ashamed about my passions, the only personality trait you guys addressed was that I was so mean and I was smart (you only revealed the latter on in private, the former was told to everyone). I am done feeling horrible about myself because you guys are so wrapped up in what every (camp) boy thinks of you, so I am cutting contact. You have ruined my camp experience to the point where I am not coming back.

What are these acronyms?

[stephdrawsjohnlock]

DE – :Kim and Harry: Procreate on iPad Pro

So I recently finished Disco Elysium after the Director's Cut became available on the PS Plus Game Catalog. I've wanted to play it for a few years, and was excited to finally see what all the hype was about. First of all, it was NOT what I expected, in the sense that I usually play more action-based games, so playing a narrative RPG was really a different experience. Secondly, WHAT an interesting universe this game takes place it... I think I loved it because it was essentially a Sherlock AU, with a neurodivergent player character and his stoic and long-suffering partner, solving a really interesting case... (GUYS they even had a Three-Garridebs-style moment in it!!!). And thirdly, GOSH the voice actors in the director's cut REALLY makes the game super special. Kim's voice is yummy, please read me the dictionary, sir 🙃

AND THEN THERE'S THE TWO PROTAGS. OMG I LOVE them so much. Kim is my little mew mew, I love him so, SO much. I love Kim and Harry's dynamic (if you play the game so that Kim trusts you) and some of the best one liners in my playthrough came from him, LOL. Just, ugh, I now see what all the hype was about for this game when it came out. And of course I inevitably shipped them, as is my way, and I was SO UPSET that I couldn't romance Kim, LOL. Sad that a second game probably won't ever happen (after reading about what happened behind the scenes, anyway), but I've immersed myself for the past 3 months in the DE fanfic rabbit hole, OMG. I'm so obsessed. It prompted me to then, of course, want to draw them. So here we are.

Not my best at all, but more just I was itching to draw them so much and I got this one done faster than anything I SHOULD be working on these days, LOL. I hope you'll excuse my burning needs, hahha. If it wasn't for that other stuff I have to get done, I probably would have a huge backlog of DE fanart like I do with DBH and Moon Knight, hahahhaha.

Anyhoo, Kim and Harry, best cop duo on this side of Revachol, LOL. I will absolutely be drawing them again once I'm done my FTH pieces! This is my current hyperfixation and I am very happy about it LOL

🖼 I’M ON INSTAGRAM at stephdrawsfanart 🎨 @stephratte is my Primary Fanart Blog! Art © to S.G.M. Ratté. Do not repost or sell.

(Tags below cut, dm to be added/removed)

@queerbeess

@ayryn-art

@antisocial-otaku

@havetardiswilltimetravel

@yorkiepug

@tea-and-gingernuts

@quantum-sparrow

@chinike

@chained-to-the-mirror

@almosttomorocco

@loveismyrevolution

[fandomtrash24]

OK, I am highly sleep deprived and on new medication, so I want to talk about my Gotham sentence theory, and how that kind of leaks into the bats.

I feel like Gotham was always somewhat sentient, after all of the magic and curses, but what truly caused her to stir was when she felt something new, I hope that she could not really understand until she realized it was from Bruce Wayne.

(sidenote: I have my own ideas about how Gotham is the soul of the first person to die in Gotham, or maybe even a soul who was sacrificed there, and now protects it. Anyway, she probably would wake up intermittently through history, and I am now picturing her looking over the at the boy, sobbing in front of his parents and feeling sense of sadness and guilt. bonus points she was a mother before she became Gotham and that she is picturing her own child.)

So she definitely helps from time to time. As the years go on, she make sure that no grays stay and Bruce’s hair. She uses what little of her magic that she can to make Alfred feel younger to keep their bodies from going too far ahead of what she needs them to be. Maybe she even blesses Alfred and Bruce slowly, not even realizing it until years afterwards until she can sense them, no matter where they go.

I feel like with Dick Grayson, she blessed him only a little. He was the light for her Batman, something that brought joy and hope and kindness so if she made sure that her boy wonder didn’t break himself as he bent, that as he can torted his bones, stay flexible, and he never felt aches or pains the way many do.

(it hurt her a bit when Dick Grayson left. She heard the arguments. She knew the anger and their bodies that was misplaced. She wish she could stay but understood he couldn’t. Her blessing will always be with him though. He would always be hers.)

Lady Gotham did not lead Jason to the car that night, but she did muffle Bruce’s feet as he approached. She saw some thing in Jason Todd, a boy uncannily like her own. She tried to help some of the street kids when she could, but it was slow going, so bogged down by curses that she could barely lead any of them to fires or food that have been thrown out without good reason. She knew her Batman light again, so she made sure she would find a new spitfire.

(she felt it when Jason Todd died. She had been gathering her strength to give him a blessing, but even distracted, she felt the impact of his death. She breathed life back into him, hoping that he would crawl out of his coffin and into her Batman’s arms. She was more disappointed when he was taken and swore to Talia safe passage again)

(the Joker was a curse unto himself, a parasitic being that she could not be rid of no matter how hard she tried. Was too deeply cursed for her to fix it so instead, she made sure that all of those who stood with the joker would face unimaginable suffering under his eyes and only experience her kindness once leaving him.)

Tim Drake had become her as much before he became a robin. She had had to use little bits of her magic to keep him from falling off of grooves and terraces as he jumped after her boys, and she tried for him. When she saw him start to bring her Batman, out of despair, her relief was so strong that she blessed him deeper than she had the others, she blessed his mind. It would never fail him, making sure he would never fall.

Damien Wayne was both of hers and none of hers. He was the son of the betrayer the woman who had taken Jason from her and made him so angry and pain and disbelieving. She had trouble giving her kindness to the boy trying so hard to keep the bats from seeing Jason and red hood, drenching her blessings into crime, Allie to keep things clean while her boy fix it up, all she could manage for Damien was little parts of him.

(she gave him a different blessing than the others, a blessing that allowed him to be seen. She saw the fear under all the bravado. He would not allow any affection from any human, she saw as he walked through her city, as if he was stranger and a king, so she said the little animals, his way. She marked him as a friend, and soaked up the softness of his smiles when she could.)

As they all grew, and more and more enjoying the family, she only had so much energy to give. Still, she gave her all.

Stephanie Brown was a girl who she led to Tim, a temporary Robin, who was not meant to be Robin, but was still meant to be hers. And if Stephanie never felt backfire of her own pranks, never fell as she flew? Well, she did not want her spitfire to become quiet.

She could not save Barbara Gordon, though she desperately tried. She could not make the legs move again, so tired from all of her blessings and unable to save that much energy. Instead she gave Barbara a similar blessing to that she gave Timothy. Her brain became sharper, her eyes always able to notice an enemy. And if she added a dose of good luck to the girl who had given her leg and her freedom to make sure that her stayed alive? Well, Barbara Gordon was never kidnapped and always missed, sometimes by milliseconds, being kidnapped.

Cassandra Cain was similar to her, silent, and seeing, unable to speak her mind. She did not need help in fighting, but she could tell that Cassandra became overwhelmed and uneasy how sometimes the body would betray people and her. So Cassandra never spoke of how body language became easier to read, of how when she needed to. She could travel through shadow much easier than she could travel on foot. Cassandra Cain never spoke of how when running through shadows, she often felt a woman’s hand run through her hair, a gentle caress that was shaky and so faint most would not notice it.

(Duke Thomas did not need her blessing. She’d given him a small one long ago back when he had started a group, guiding him towards good towards finding what he would need. Duke never said a word about the aura on the bat family being so different so much more saturated than around others. he never spoke of he could sometimes see a woman keeping one of them from falling. He never spoke. Sometimes he could tell the woman was helping him, saving him from falling as well.)

She could not save them, could not give them their due for what they did for her city for her people. Still, she gave them all she could, as they continued to repair her, saving her streets and her people every day. Slowly, the claims became more and more distinct until whenever one of them left. It was known to any spirit that dared cross them that Gotham, spirit known for struggling and still surviving, had blessed these humans so heavily that they were drenched in her magic.

(no one spoke with the blessings, instead word was spread through all supernatural creatures alike that the lady of Gotham, a woman who had been known to be almost a queen before curses bogged her down, had chosen her champions, her knights. She had given them so much power that it was a wonder they weren’t supernatural being themselves. It was soon taught that no one was to touch them. The knights of Gotham were not to be trifled with.)

[babumakeanart]

Here are some of my thoughts about Dragon age Veilguard. There is of course spoilers so read on your regard

I’m so excited we got another Dragon Age game! But do I adore Veilguard as much as the others in the series? Hard to say—I have very mixed feelings about it.

First of all, a lot of the lore we learned in earlier games feels erased or brushed aside here.

For instance, the choice of who drinks from the Veil of Sorrow seems diminished. Seeing Morrigan again wasn’t as thrilling as I’d hoped. Mostly, I kept asking, “Why are you here?” and “What do you mean you have Mythal in you?” She was relieved she didn’t drink from the Veil once she found out Mythal would control her if she did. And now, out of nowhere, she has that power anyway? Generally, I feel like previous choices don’t really matter. Everything feels so predetermined, even scripted, in terms of what will happen, what’s canon, and what isn’t. I get that BioWare had a lot of issues with this game’s development, especially shifting from multiplayer to single-player. But it still feels like many important choices from earlier games didn’t matter. For example, if Morrigan has a child with an archdemon’s soul in him, wouldn’t that mean—by the new lore—that the elven god bound with Urthemiel would still be alive? Didn’t the archdemons make the Evanuris immortal?

And while Rook is a fun and well-written character, I feel like the story should have continued with the Inquisitor. After all, we should get the chance to finish what they started. Even though it is said at the end of DA:I that Solas knows everything about us, the Inquisitor could still choose a new group to surprise him, but they should still lead them.

I did, however, love the ending for Solavellan. It brought closure, which was very very.. damn.. I cried. :’)

When it comes to our companions, I loved a lot of them—they’re all really cool. Yet I do have a few complaints that may be just my personal view but still. 

First, I’m not a fan of how Taash’s nonbinary identity was handled. As a nonbinary person myself, it felt somewhat disrespectful, as if it were written by someone who didn’t understand the experience. Initially, I was excited, but after reflecting, it started to irk me. I cant write all my thoughts well to say what all bothers me about it, other people put it much better into sentences than I would do so I am just leaving this.

I also wish there were more scenes to get to know these characters. There are a fair number of scenes, sure, but everyone seems overly friendly from the start and it didnt feel that they naturally get to know the main character, but that we already know each other for years. 

Despite the conflicts among some companions, there’s this vibe that everyone is just too nice. Does that make sense? Like, even during the Blight in Origins, some companions didn’t like each other and wouldn’t be buddy-buddy over a coffee date. In DA2, companions had strong beliefs that many times clashed, which made them unique. Veilguard feels too friendly—and not just the companions, but Rook and other NPCs as well.

Another minor issue: the romances are too short, which is sad. :(

But enough negativity! 

There’s still a ton of things I freaky love about Veilgaurd

The visuals! When first peek of this game came out I know some people didn’t like the look of it at all, but GOD is freaky stunning! The characters look great, with tons of little detail movements that make them feel alive. Mostly in expression.

 Every location you travel to is unique and beatutiful. I love running around just to take pictures. The cutscenes? Chef’s kiss. WOW

The fighting style was surprisingly enjoyable, too. I’d just finished DA:I

when Veilguard came out, so the adjustment took a minute, but I got into it quickly and ended up loving it. :)

And then, there’s SOLASSS. My poor man, my poor little egg—I love him, and I would die for him!

I loved all the companions’ personalities and stories. Just wish there was more of it.

Honestly, I cried multiple times during this game. :’D The ending was epic, the final battle gave me chills, and it was just...so cool! I could eat every pixel of these scnes.

One thing I would love to see: what would happen if you sided with Solas and tore down the veil. Even with different endings, the veil stays intact. I’d love to know what happens if it’s actually torn down. Would it end the world? Kill tons of people? Actaully realease the blight in full speed?

-

So far, that’s all I’ve got. I’m tired, and my brain’s fried, but I wanted to get my thoughts down. I know I wrote more criticisms than praise, but I really did enjoy the game. What did you all think? Because honestly, Veilguard has hyped me up to replay all the Dragon Age games again! And created all the ideas I have for my ocs in these games.

[suuuupernovaaa]

kelku

kelku [ˈkɛl.ku] n. home, house

Anonymous Request: A female na’vi that is a half-caste of Omaticaya and Metkayina, who lives in the reefs and is assigned to teach the Sully kids. She acts tough but she's soft. Lo'ak is annoyed by her. They get into an argument and he tells her she has no idea what it's like to be an outcast, so she tells him about her past and how she was disowned.

Lo'ak is aged up to 20 or so.

Lo'ak charges away, his head held high but his spirits low, fuming at the conversation he just had with his father. He doesn't know whether he wants to scream or cry, and he can't figure out why his father has never taken the time to really listen to him.

Payakan isn't a danger to him, or to anyone else, but once again, Lo'ak's direct experience is dismissed. They'd rather listen to rumors.

"Lo'ak!"

He hears her voice, and his eyes roll back into his head as he turns to see her jogging up to him.

It's hard to say why Y/N bothers him, but she has since the very beginning. Something about her just digs under his skin. She has this air about her, as if she is looking down on everyone around her, and every word out of her mouth is so important that you must be quiet and listen when she speaks.

He can't stand her.

"What, Y/N?" he asks, more harshly than he meant to. Anyone else would flinch, but she doesn't, standing tall and proud, and he hates her all the more.

"I wanted to say, I believe you. I'm sorry no one else does. Payakan... I have always wondered, about him. I feel, it feels like he and I, we might, understand each other."

He narrows his eyes. She reaches out for his hand, and he yanks it away in disgust.

"What would you and Payakan have in common? Why the hell would you think that? He's an outcast, lonely, humble. You wouldn't know a thing about that!" He's practically yelling by the end of his speech, fuming at her presumption.

"You really don't know, do you?" she says, slowly and quietly, as she says everything.

"Know what?"

She gestures to her arms and says, "Do you not wonder why my arms are thinner than everyone else's, why my tail isn't as wide?" She grabs her tail, lifting it up. "Why my skin color is a little darker?"

Lo'ak shrugs. "No, why would I? I never noticed."

She scoffs. "Bah, of course. Lo'ak, my mother was Omatikayan and my father Metkayina. Once I was born, my mother decided she'd had enough of the ocean, and went back to her forest people. My father was struck with grief and the weight of raising a child without her mother, and disappeared. I have never understood why you don't like me, but it's not foreign to me either. I was raised by the clan, but they made it known that I was other, and some blamed me for my father's disappearance. I am as outcast as you, or Payakan, though I am not so much an ass as you are."

With that, she turns on her heel, leaving Lo'ak with a slack jaw and a heavy heart.

--

It's a few days before Lo'ak tells anyone about his conversation with Y/N, and he chooses Neteyam to talk to.

"That makes sense," Neteyam says. "She always seems so sad, kind of reserved."

Lo'ak is surprised by Neteyam's impression of the woman. He'd assumed she was haughty, maybe spoiled, and thought highly of herself - it seems now that he mistook her quiet demeanor as a slight against him, when it was truly just shyness.

He thinks of all the times he rolled his eyes at her, glared at her, and dismissed her, and how she continued to show up and teach him anyway.

He has been horribly wrong about her, and he isn't sure how to fix it.

--

Diving sideways off the ilu, I glide through the water, propelling myself forward with my tail. Though it is a little bit smaller, it still gets the job done; I have never struggled keeping up here on the reef.

When I emerge from the water, pushing my hair out of my face and blinking the water from my eyes, Lo'ak stands on the beach, just a few feet away, staring at me.

I am still angry, but I'm trying to let it go. I don't expect an apology from him anytime soon, but I was hoping we could have avoided each other.

Talking about my past isn't something that I particularly enjoy, especially when I feel backed into a corner and forced to talk about it.

"Y/N," Lo'ak says, approaching, and I sigh. "I need to talk to you - to apologize."

He spreads his hands out, palms up, as if a gesture of good will or maybe defeat.

"Okay," I reply.

"I misjudged you. I mistook your quietness for... self-importance. I thought you were looking down on my family."

Shocked, I scoff. "What? Lo'ak, I never said a mean word to any of you!"

He sighs. "I know, I know. I just, I don't know, I got the impression that you thought we were stupid or, being with us was a waste of time, and it's hard enough, adjusting to being here. I didn't know, okay? I didn't know, and I'm really sorry. There's no excuse for how I've treated you. I just wanted to apologize."

I purse my lips. "Well... thank you, Lo'ak. Maybe, um, I hope we can be friends."

"Actually, I wanted to show you something. If you want to come with me?" He extends his hand, and after only a moment of skeptical hesitation, I reach out and take it.

--

Payakan is beautiful, just like my soul sister, but something in his eyes... he is sad, and lonely, and you can see the joy he feels when Lo'ak and I approach.

I press my face to his rough skin, right next to his eye, and spread my arms across him.

"Beautiful soul," I whisper, "how misunderstood you've been."

I sit back onto his fin, next to Lo'ak, and sign to the beautiful beast. "I am happy to meet you, brother of Lo'ak. I am outcast too. Half of the forest, half of the reef. I see you."

He's echoing clicks and whistles hit our ears. "I see you, Sister," he replies, and I smile, reaching for him once again.

I turn to Lo'ak, smiling. "Thank you for bringing me to him. He's wonderful."

Lo'ak smiles in return, and it's a beautiful smile, one I've only seen on his face when he's around his family. It makes my heart sing, for him to be smiling like that at me.

"You were right - you two were meant to meet."

"You know, you are Metkayina now too. You are brother of Tulkun." I reach over, placing his hand on my chest. "I feel happiest when I'm with my Soul Sister. She never makes me feel out of place, or to blame."

"To blame?" Lo'ak asks.

I shrug, removing my hand. "Some have said... if I wasn't born, my father would still be here. He was much beloved. Some blame my mother, for leaving us here, but some blame me."

"You were a baby, Y/N," he replies. He reaches over, taking my hand into his, and pulling it into his lap. "You didn't ask to be born, and you deserved nothing but love. You still do. I'll never forgive myself for how I've treated you."

I sign. "I know I can come off strange. I don't ever know what people are going to think of me, and I don't want to give them anything to judge. But I was too quiet, didn't smile or laugh enough, and made you think badly of me."

He shakes his head. "Don't blame yourself for this too. My siblings all think you're great. I'm the only ass."

I blush when he throws the word I'd used to describe him back into my face, but I know he's only teasing.

"Well, I'm glad we've gotten a second chance to be friends."

Payakan rocks us gently in the ocean as we talk, seeming happy to simply have company.

Lo'ak smiles. "Me too." He squeezes my hand tightly, and we stare at each other for a long, lingering moment.

I lean forward, catching myself by surprise, and press a soft kiss to Lo'ak's unsuspecting lips.

He is still at first, almost frozen, but as I pull away, he leans forward, capturing my lips with his for a longer, deeper kiss.

When we pull away, breathless, we both smile.

I have never felt more at home.

[freyito]

HI ITS KENSHI ARM ANON HERE TO ASK for smth-

May I ask for Kenshi with a ftm reader who wears dresses and such, he's super feminine in style and all, but gets really uncomfortable one day when someone refers to him as a girl and starts to shy away from the style he likes because of it?

IM NOT PROJECTING WITH THIS ASK WDYM???!?!

projecting.... together, my dear anon. we are in this together.

apply my recent experience to this as well, soooo... changing it just a little. ANYWAYS... uhm. been wanting to writing this for a bit but i am an adhd freak and my mind is everywhere all at once... el oh el

lowkey inspired by puttin on the ritz by taco?? might make a little fic based off it too cause this made me fall head over heels for yakuza kenshi ough

little edit: this might be my favorite thing i've written. im genuinely proud of this and. ugh. yakuza kenshi.

cw: male reader, ftm reader, catcalling, pre-blind kenshi, ... yakuza kenshi cause he's been in my head, fluff, not proofread

ᴋᴇɴꜱʜɪ ᴛᴀᴋᴀʜᴀꜱʜɪ + ᴀɴ ᴜɴᴄᴏᴍꜰᴏʀᴛᴀʙʟᴇ ꜰᴛᴍ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

Kenshi loves your style. He is proud to know that his boyfriend is not afraid to dress how he likes. And he makes it known.

Particularly, he loves spinning you around, dancing, anything when you are wearing a flowy dress. Serotonin, really. It's pure joy on his AND your end.

And he loves to know that you are happy dressing as such. It is the one thing he thrives on. Getting pictures from you, in every little outfit, while he's out. It is the highlight of his day. His entire camera roll is full of just you.

Kenshi cannot spend as much time with you as he'd wish, however. To keep you out of the spotlight, for one. He'd love nothing more than to parade you around, show you off to his 'buddies', maybe even competitors. He's cocky, like that.

In this instance, however, he's finally got some time with you. Even if it's lurking in some shady alley, the evening sun descending over the city. A less than savory scene, yet just basking in your presence is enough to make it worth it.

This particular dress is one Kenshi bought for you. An expensive gift for his sweet, a Chiffon loose sundress, decorate with beautiful floral patterns. Vintage. He believes you look quite dashing in it.

Across the alley, someone calls out. Something something, objectifying. "Wish I had a girl like that," That's really all you can catch before your world devolves into static. An uncomfortable feeling sets in, your stomach feels empty, now.

Kenshi is quick to shut down the catcaller. As much as he prides himself on being logical and calm, it is not his finest moment. Nor is it the right time to do something like this. Catcall not just Kenshi Takahashi's boyfriend, but a Yakuza's boyfriend, no less. There are no cameras here, and he is not afraid to talk big.

After that incident, Kenshi finds you shy away from your style. You hide your body in sweaters and over-sized t-shirts. While he quite enjoys seeing you in his own clothes as well- your favorite is a godzilla shirt- he is sad to see the sudden dismissal of your confidence, as well.

He wants nothing more than to show you off and show off your confidence again. Oh, how he misses his darling, twirling you around in your pretty skirts in the kitchen, just how elegant you looked as you walked, as you breathed, really.

Kenshi's supportive. He's a lot more present, now. Much to the dismay of his buddies. But he doesn't care. He's slowly building your confidence up brick by brick, he doesn't outright shove it down your throat. He scrolls through his camera roll with such longing.

It works, you have to admit. It's a very very slow process. Once a month, about, you start wearing longer skirts again, or shorts. Then it moves on to shorter skirts, dresses, etc. And by the end of it, you have an entirely new wardrobe of dresses and skirts and all of it. Kenshi showers you with gifts once you've found your confidence and style again. Many, many expensive dresses, all different sorts. And he loves it when you wear them out with him, again. Dinner dates, dancing, late night drives, all of it.

© freyito, 2023 | masterlist | queue | kofi DO NOT REPOST AS YOUR OWN OR USE FOR AI/AI CHATBOTS.

[piss-stained-jorts]

RIGHT

-claps hands-

some of you are new to this despair. it ain't fun. as someone who is no stranger to hopelessness, despair, fatalism, misanthropy, and an undying bitterness, I'll give it a go trying to offer some semblance of help. my soul has been a strange kind of melancholy for over 15 years. I experience a few seconds of true happiness once every few months. and yet, here I stand. I think it'd be better if the whole world burned, but I ain't holding a match. point is, it's entirely possible to keep going, even in this state.

even in saying this, I have my doubts it'll do anything positive at all. I'm doing it anyway. I do it with the same defeatism I experience when I go to vote in a deep South red state. a single drop of blue dye in a sea of red blood. I know, objectively, that nothing will come of my actions. I do it anyway. for selfish reasons, I do it anyway.

I'm not here to help you out of it. I'm gonna offer some advice on living on inside it. I don't know how to get out of it yet, either. I'm working on that. again, maybe it helps, maybe it does nothing. here we go.

I recommend booking a therapy appointment. this is my biggest, most helpful advice TBH. I didn't go for a long time. didn't think i could afford it. turns out, there's secret little things in the world to help you afford it. me, I went to healthcare.gov, found some cheap ass insurance, and now I'm in therapy for severe mental health issues. I'm getting a second therapist, too. there's some deeeeep rooted shit in me. there's very likely deep rooted shit in you, too, and it's a great time to find someone who can help dig it out. ain't a cure all, and you'll have to see it as a conversation instead of someone coming and fixing you. they aren't a knight in shining armor with all the answers, but two heads are better than one.

I also recommend poetry. not just reading it, but writing it. the angrier and sadder the better. every raw, honest feeling. do not judge whatever comes out. don't worry about structure. don't worry about making it readable. make vent art, too.

I recommend familiar, comforting foods. things that remind you of those pockets in time when you were warm and safe. old foods, old games, old imaginary friends. yes, the imaginary friend thing extends to grown ups. a positive voice that is only ever kind and loving to you, no matter what. it's your own voice echoed back, after all.

I recommend caring about people. it helps to keep you in this world if you have someone else in it you love so, so fucking much.

I recommend bitching. bitch about your feelings and the world and the state of things with someone who also wants to bitch.

I recommend sad, angry, bitter, hopeless songs, under the caveat that it won't make you want to kill yourself. if listening to sad music makes you wanna die more, do not do this. me, I find songs about dying and being miserable comforting because I feel seen and understood in a way I feel I have been failed. maybe that's not how your brain works, though. just be safe and don't die.

under no circumstances kill yourself. you don't want to die. your brain is coping and trying to take back a sense of control when you feel powerless, and that's the solution it can think of because it's straightforward. do not do this.

if a sense of hope does come, don't push it away. if it leaves quickly, breathe and enjoy the few seconds you have with it. don't berate yourself if you don't feel the way you "should." there is no should or should not with emotions or the lack of them.

I recommend finding something to do, or something to put off. me, I keep saying I'll write a book, make a game, do all sorts of things. maybe I will, maybe I won't. it's something to do or say I'll do in the future. a sense of purpose. even if I never do it, it's still there.

learn to see the worth in both the retching pain and the numbness. when I am overcome with despair and anguish, I find the worth in that I'm still able to care that much, that I have a consistent muse for my work, and that crying is cathartic. when I'm numb, I find worth in the cool, calm gray color that mutes my existence, and the lack of pain makes the boredom a welcome respite. it still blows, and I'd trade it for joy and hope any day of the week, but the joy machine doesn't work anymore. working on that one.

listen. listen. I don't know what the fuck the future holds. pithy statements of hope don't help me, so I won't give them to you. be there for your friends, be there for yourself, give space to your feelings. I know. I know these new feelings are scary. you've never felt them like this before. you're new to this, I know you are. I promise you, you can keep living. I promise you, it's possible to find little joys, even here in the nightmare. I know the feeling of drowning in the ocean with hardly a sail to keep you is scary. I know from lived experience that it's possible for it to become bearable. I still believe, though I'm not there yet, that it's possible to leave this dark forest. I am bitter and resentful and I feel cheated and I don't think feeling any of this makes anyone a bad person.

it hurts so much, I know. I know it hurts. I know words can't make it all better. this world we live in is not what it should be. you are so cherished.

[seeminglydeathlessredshirt]

Ramblings on Bioshock Infinite

So, I've decided to start writing down how I feel about what I'm playing here rather than wait for my friends to be online so I can infodump at them.

Anyway, Bioshock: Infinite. The original was pretty alright. I didn't get all the way through it because I was getting a bit tired of Rapture and some other little annoyances, but it was a perfectly decent experience. Skipped past 2 because once again, not in the mood for spending a dozen more hours underwater, and went right to the one that people fuss about all the time to see what the fuss is all about.

I shouldn't have gone out of my way to see what all the fuss is about.

Spoilers for an 11-year old game will follow, but I do not recommend going out and checking this out yourself.

To its credit, the game does have a very strong opening. The welcome centre/church you arrive in offers absolutely gorgeous visuals and a strange yet interesting blend of Christian motifs and the weird sort of reverence built up around the founders of America. "Gee," I thought, "maybe this will be a game that finally tackles religion in an interesting and nuanced way that doesn't just feel like it was written by a 14-year old who just discovered Reddit." Unfortunately, it doesn't(if anyone knows a game that does, please let me know.) After a level where you walk around and take in the sights of Columbia(an experience that feels like walking into a veritable wasp nest. Either one, take your pick), you're thrust into your standard action game plot shenanigans. Kill a bunch of guys while someone rants at you over an intercom, go through various setpieces, all that good stuff.

Is the killing actually all that fun? For a certain stretch of the game, yes. You have some okay abilities, a good selection of weapons to choose from, and takedowns are pretty cool as well. The skyrails scattered around some maps are gimmicky, though a welcome addition(the irony of a game like this leaning heavily on what are basically rollercoasters is not lost on me.) But somewhere past the halfway point, it takes a steep nosedive. The weapon list gets bloated to hell and back, and a combination of the carry limit of two plus the tendency to only ever give ammo for everything you don't want to use drags it down. Enemies also seem to get substantially spongier and more numerous, which makes fights incredibly unsatisfying. Bioshock was already firmly in that grey area between immersive sim and combat sandbox, and Infinite is neither of those. Everything feels so much less versatile, there's no thinking outside the box to be done here.

As for the rest of the story, you may have heard about how centrist it gets, and I am sad to report that everything they said was true. What really gets me is how it's already setting up the "both sides are the exact same thing" even before the characters would have any reason to think that. They're literally basing this entire viewpoint off of "oh, the workers are being violent about overthrowing their oppressors, that's super bad, right????" This game also does try to tackle things like racism but I don't exactly have a good eye for whether or not something tackles that matter maturely, so all I'll say is that it feels very surface-level and inconsequential. "Inconsequential" can sum up everything else in this paragraph too because it's all eventually abandoned for !!Dimensional Shenanigans!! This is what the last few levels are taken up by entirely and all it accomplishes is covering over a weak attempt at social themes with an even weaker attempt at sci-fi themes. The ending is certainly a bit more batshit than you'd expect for your standard seventh-generation slop, but it can't salvage this. The fanservice just reminded me of a somewhat better game. I would make a joke about this game only having two characters, but then it goes out of its way to say "yes, there really are only two characters."

I am not playing the fucking DLCs.