#anyways the point is I think Duke would give him a more nuanced look on ppl who commit these crimes in the first place

[starlooove]

What they don’t tell you about doing shit ur bad at for fun is that ur still worried about ppl seeing it 💀💀💀

[cuddlytogas]

an incomplete list of terrible but extremely popular Our Flag Means Death takes that I would like to never see again please

(and I do mean popular, as in, lots of people seem to think they're canon, to the point where I feel slightly insane and like I was watching a different show to everyone else)

1. Ed's mum was loving and nice and supportive, if hampered by her bad situation

this comes up more in fic than analysis, to be fair, but good god, what show were some of you watching? this isn't to vilify her, because yeah, she's clearly a product of colonialism, white christian supremacy, and domestic abuse, but like. that doesn't make how she raised Ed good. clearly she was trying to keep him safe, but "we don't deserve nice things", and especially "it's not up to us, it's up to god", speaks to me of someone who squashes down any ambition on her son's part, has fully bought into the lies of christian colonialism, and tries to pass them down to her son.

as does happen in colonised communities, particularly among older generations. I know us white people like to think that every indigenous person is a perfect left-wing anti-imperial activist, but that's simply not the case, and Ed's mum is so clearly an example of an older conservative christian indigenous parent who had to believe the lies told by their coloniser in order to survive, but is now passing on that trauma to their children. and I just...

if I read one more fic where Ed's mum is a perfect loving supportive angel who always believed in her kid and always supported and protected him, I'm gonna scream. yes, it's sweet, and it's fun to sometimes veer from canon and give your blorbo nice things, but it's still veering from canon. and yet, I see very few people acknowledge that, or actually talk about the nuances of Ed's mother, and how she definitely tried to protect him, but was far from sweet, doting, and unconditionally supportive.

2. Ed's loving look when Stede is picking food from his beard in 1x07

like most of these things, I enjoyed it as a joke or exaggeration at first, until I realised that people were actually being serious. but every time I watch that scene, I see Ed looking absently-mindedly over Stede's shoulder, because a) that's what you do when someone leans in to pick something off you, and b) surely the point of the scene is that they're so comfortable and easy together that they don't notice the intimacy of what they're doing, but Lucius, an outside observer, thinks it's obvious. right?? I can't be the only one seeing it???

[sigh]

anyway. finally, the really really big one:

3. Ed is a soft uwu babygirl princess femme bottom sub who loves her cat collar and is teaching Stede how to dom him in the "say you're the captain" scene

I mean, there's not much to say except to link to duke's absolutely phenomenal twitter thread about "how the 'babygirlfication' and infantilization of ofmd ed teach is an extension of racist perceptions of indigenous men being inherently violent and thus needing to be emasculated to be considered sympathetic"

but especially That One Fucking Scene, good lord. talk about taking shit out of context. everyone looked at a slowed-down gif of one shot in the trailer and cried "babygirl!! he's such a simp, he just wants to be dommed!!", when actually that scene is about how a) Stede is cringefail and terrible at being a typical harsh, commanding pirate, and b) Ed is lovingly embarrassed by this. he encourages Stede to assert himself (and give Ed something to do during his probation/help him make amends with the crew), but like. normally. he's acting perfectly normal in that scene, and mostly annoyed by the outfit and embarrassed by how badly Stede fails. but just because he's sitting down while Stede is standing, and he happens to take a breath in that one shot (because, you know, people breathe sometimes), everyone's doubled down on their "submissive babygirl" bullshit, and I can't get the fuck away from it.

which - listen, it's fun for me, too! it's fun to explore exaggerated aspects of a character, it's fun to read/write/draw that angle in smut, I get it! but I keep seeing people keep claim it's literally canon, and I cannot stress enough that that is Straight Up False. for the love of god, please just watch the show without your (potentially kinda racist) bias glasses on, and remember to treat the characters with respect instead of projecting onto their every interaction a shallow dom/sub binary just because you find it hot.

Our Flag is a show very specifically about masculinity, and what it means to be a man; how assumptions about that can harm and restrict men; and how men can grow beyond them. it's a nuanced and sympathetic examination of this. the whole point is that Ed is allowed to like nice fabrics and be tired of violent piracy and still be a man. the point is that two men fall in love - equal, honest, sincere love - and are still men, still exactly who they are.

(on that note, insisting that Ed is canonically trans or femme because of these things often ends up just leaning into gendered stereotypes: men are harsh and active and dominant, and women are soft and passive and submissive, and if Ed's not the former, he must be the latter, right? it also tends to hetero-ify the central relationship, casting Stede as "the boy" and Ed as "the girl", needing one to be masc and one femme. not always, and again, I understand and have enjoyed transformative works that take those elements and run with them, and explore what the story could be like if Ed were trans/nb/etc - but it's still a transformative interpretation. it's not canon.)

relatedly: those fucking wedding toppers! it seemed blatantly obvious to me that half the point of those scenes was that Ed is distraught and blaming himself for Stede leaving because he wasn't the ideal partner. it's his entire arc for the first half of season 2! Ed hates himself and believes there's something wrong about him that makes him unlovable. so he keeps and then discards the wedding toppers, painting himself onto one of them, because he's projecting himself onto an image of ideal/successful romantic love that he thinks Stede wants, and in which he doesn't fit. he's trying to mould himself into someone else to make himself lovable, not realising that Stede already loves him for himself.

like, it's important that the groom figure isn't actually like Stede, either. yes, it's blond and has a nice, peach-coloured suit, but a) Stede was very specifically unhappy in the posh, heterosexual, married state the figures represent, and b) Stede by this point looks nothing like that figurine. it's directly contrasted with the image of him in the rowboat, scruffy and plain and earnestly in love, rather than fancy, cold ceramic.

so it's important to the whole narrative that Ed's yearning for/projection onto the wedding toppers is false, and born from his insecurity. he gets drunk, and play-acts a stereotypical image of romantic happiness into which he doesn't fit, but real love looks nothing like that, because real love isn't found in stifling hegemonic cultural structures, but honest, emotional connections between people allowed to be their whole, vulnerable selves. Stede is not like the groom, and Ed is not like the bride, because they shouldn't have to be. Ed should not (and does not) have to warp himself into a demure bride in order to be worthy of love: he's already lovable and loved exactly as he is! that's the point!! of the scene!!!!!!

but no, I have to wade through swathes of art and fic and meta about how badly Ed wants to be a sweet little demure kitty princess, how he wants a wedding night and a ring to prove he's Stede's property, and acting as if this is somehow canon, because people on the internet have zero reading comprehension and are scared of brown men.

the whole point of Our Flag is that you don't need to compress yourself into prescribed social roles, and in fact, doing so will only make you miserable; and that racist, patriarchal, colonial institutions should be resisted and dismantled at every opportunity.

so tell me again why the ultimate message is that Ed and Stede should get married under an arch in front of an altar and their lined-up friends, with flowers and rice falling around them, all dressed in white, one in a suit and one in a dress, with rings and a kiss and a honeymoon after, before they move into a detached house with a yard and a fence and re-adopt the kids that Stede abandoned? and this isn't about promises, fidelity, or even monogamy - I'm specifically talking about everyone in this fandom who seems to think that the ultimate goal is the most stereotypical 20th century cisheteropatriarchal christian wedding, but with the name "matelotage" slapped on top, as if that takes away all of the underlying baggage.

just - I know we're all meant to hate men and masculinity and yadda yadda yadda, but actually, to be earnest for a second, men deserve respect too, because all people and all genders do. and two men are allowed to be in a relationship and still both be men - complex men, with their own, layered relationships to their gender - without having to fall into neatly-arranged dom/sub masc/femme roles, or seal the deal with a hegemonically-approved ceremony.

so please, stop reducing an indigenous lead character to a caricature of a femme uwu princess bottom just because he has long hair, wore a robe once, and you're too scared of brown men to imagine him with proper agency. and then please, for the love of god, stop claiming that that interpretation is canon.

[hello-nichya-here]

In an AU of mine, Ozai is the dark avatar, with all elements plus energy-bending via slaying a lion turtle, he’s the top and superior bender in each element has all non-bender skills at their fullest potential.

But instead of Ozai having to fuse with Vaatu. They are both one and the same person. It's Vaatu who contacts Sozin during every solstice, projecting dreams of ambition and visions of a perfect world under his rule. There for manipulating him into waging his war. Iroh's mother, Ilah, is a spiritual expert like Unalaq, she helped Vaatu escape from the tree of time by astral projecting into the tree of time, Vaatu fuses with Ilah's spirit and they return to Ilah's body. Vaatu's power depletes, reduced to a human level spirit, but Ilah became pregnant with Vaatu's physical host form which was coincidently named Ozai.

Ozaatu’s true endgame plan was, once he destroys Raava, that’ll cause the elemental spirits to be destroyed and he’ll absorb their power, he’d then combine his energy-bending and spirit-bending skills to alter Raava and his own energies, make it to where Ozaatu now draws power over light/peace as well as darkness/chaos and cause Raava to be weakened by his own power, as if it was light. Raava will be destroyed completely, light and darkness will become one, and Ozaatu will become the avatar spirit of balance itself. Once Ozaatu severs Aang’s past lives, the entire gaang reach their lowest point. But Azula refuses to quit and comes up with a plan that’s similar but a reversal of Ozaatu’s. Aang executes her plan by astral projecting all his positive aspects, he dukes it out with Ozaatu one final time before Ozaatu finally takes to fall by being purified and Aang’s the one who evolves Raava into the spirit of balance.

This’ll undoubtably change everything in legends of Korra. Worldbuilding wise anyway but could still have the nigh-modernized late 30s aesthetics. Korra should still contrast Aang greatly in every way but she’s much stronger, more self-sufficient and is less likely to go through over the top trauma and suffering in every season just to give her some character development. Maybe she’d endure internal pain and weakness whenever she goes out of balance, and she learns to try and harmonize two opposing forces from inside and gain the best of both worlds. She won’t be able to talk to Aang or any other avatar since birth this time. She could form the next team avatar aka the krew but she’ll likely prove powerful enough to be a one-woman team avatar and won’t need a krew. It would contrast with Aang for Korra to be a solo act and for her to be purely gay but still get to travel the world, see what changes were made.

This’ll properly execute the concepts of TLOK being more gray and morally ambiguous then ATLA along with the concept; “Korra wanted to the avatar while the world doesn’t need the avatar” while concluding with the notion that the world will always need the avatar, just not 24/7. If all of Korra’s enemies remain the same, Unalaq will be much different, more nuanced and be the well-intentioned extremist he was supposed to be, perhaps he’d be the polar opposite of Amon and looks down upon all non-benders and wants to eliminate them. Season 1 of TLOK will be its own original and separate entity instead of a substitute of ATLA season 4: Air.

What do you think?

I am really not into Korra, so I don't remember much, if anything, about the plot points and characters to really have an opinion. Sorry.

[theabominableblogger]

My Reaction... to “Pocahontas II:  Journey to a New World”

Who decided that this was a good idea?  Who?

OH it just starts right away!  Oh dang.  No opening logo or nothing.

I will be extremely surprised if they somehow managed to wrangle Mel Gibson back as John Smith

AN:  It’s his younger brother Donal Gibson

Also this is such a strange way to start a movie about Pocahontas- a rooftop sword fight

What am I watching?

Why is the King of England wanting to start a war with the- oh wowww the animation really dipped

“Walt Disney Home Video” well that explains everything

How did they get the news of John Smith’s “death” already?  Mail must travel really freaking fast over the Atlantic

If this setting was animated with the original animation crew for the first movie, this scene with Pocahontas in the snow would look gorgeous

Wait wasn’t her necklace broken in the first movie?

It would have been interesting if we actually see a shot of Pocahontas just reacting to the news of John Smith’s “death”.  That way we as viewers just feel the gravitas and impact it has on her instead of just cutting to the shot of the ship leading into the opening credit bit.

Oh that shot [of Pocahontas above the frozen river in the snow) is gorgeous

“I beg your pardon!”  “All right.  You have it.”  *snorts*

I almost feel like they put a little more effort into the culture of Pocahontas’s tribe.  I mean I don’t know if it’s entirely accurate- probably not- but it feels like it.

HEY GET THIS THOUGH.  The original screenwriters thought that taking the plot of this movie for the FIRST one would be too complicated and violent.  WOW.

AND they took creative license anyway because of the actual story of Pocahontas is... not great.  Look I’m not even gonna deny that even though they made creative differences in order to convey the story to a younger audience and you can tell some of the filmmakers mean well to be partially accurate but the other executives just want the movie to make money and that’s it.  They don’t care that even though racism is addressed like in little spoonfuls here, it’s still racism.

Plus Katzenburg didn’t really have the balls to address the effect of assimilation or the whole “noble savage” concept.  He just wanted the moolah.

AN:  I’m sorry if I’m ranting but I’ve written ESSAYS ABOUT THIS.  I spent an ENTIRE SEMESTER writing about this stuff.  Seriously.

ALSO ALSO FUN FACT:  GREGORY PECK was originally cast as the spiritual ancestor in the first movie but he dropped out because he made the point to the writers that the character had to be a maternal figure instead of a male one.  Boom now we have Grandmother Willow.

Also I like that when the Indians first see the horse, they’re a little perturbed by it.

Meanwhile my anthropology part of my brain is just screaming

Oh my God I just realized where I’ve heard the actor that played Powhatan from... he’s the Navajo man from “Natural Born Killers”. 

Also yes I have seen “Natural Born Killers”

One kudos I’ll grant to this is that they put more nuance into Pocahontas’s facial expressions.  You can see her squint in frustration or just glare someone into oblivion.

Or this scene where her best friend says goodbye.  There is just so much emotion in this shot alone.  The animators had to have used reference shots for bits like this.

*Meeko gets stuck in the mop for cleaning the deck*  Comedy

“And honor is the backbone of our civilization.”  OK we’re getting somewhere.

Ah yes, London.  Nothing but the colors purple, yellow, blue and cobblestone as far as the eye can see.

Also yes England so they’re gonna throw in EVERY stereotypical European clothing style EVER on the general population

Freaking Shakespeare...

They bumped up the animation whenever Ratcliffe shows up.  Priorities.

Mrs. Potts is the teapot on the table!

You can tell that the writers are TrYinGGgg to mature the characters by addressing that yes Ratcliffe is manipulating the king to do what he wants. 

“You look lovely... in your underwear-”  SHE’S WEARING MORE THAN WHAT SHE ORIGINALLY WORE.  WHY ARE YOU AVERTING YOUR EYES?

*Pocahontas tries putting the corset on as a bonnet*  Yes

Why is Mrs. Jenkins giving Pocahontas a crinoline?  In 17th century London?  The hoop idea didn’t even come around until like the 1850s

Unless it’s a farthingale.  But it’s obviously NOT

“John’s always had a fondness for girls with curls.”  HMM

The sound of Pocahontas’s necklace hitting the table sounds exactly like those really thick magnetic rocks clashing together

This movie definitely has a different vibe from the first one.  It’s just focused on letting these events happen and there’s an emphasis on scale.  Like they let this scene where Pocahontas finally meets the king pause because she does not know how to address him.

Oh!  And the general population is established by them just being really curious about her and not immediately cursing her.  They’re just as “ooh and aah” about her as she is about them.

The king is 100% voiced by Jim Cummings

Oh man this animation... rough...

WHAT?!?

Did... did I just step into a different movie?  What the heck am I watching? 

This song is like a weird hybrid of “Playing with the Big Boys” from Prince of Egypt and one of the other songs from Hunchback of Notre Dame

Bear baiting?  What?

Discount Strider there’s gotta be John Smith

That animation of John Smith walking toward the screen was definitely rotoscoped

If the rest of this third act is just this weird sword fight, I’m signing out

Oh so no... third act fight?

“You [John Rolfe] love her.”  I mean it’s a little weak sauce but I can tell they tried.

I just realized what’s up with this movie:  it’s like a really weak Wonder Woman movie.  Seriously.

I... have actually no idea how the rest of the third act is gonna go.

What exactly is Governor Ratcliffe governor of?

John Smith is not written well at all in this movie.  And I don’t know what to think of his “mmm hmm good show old sport” back and forth with Rolfe

OK so if we’re gonna end this movie with the ships clashing together and a weird sword fight on board, at least tell me Pocahontas is gonna duke it out with Ratcliffe where she sends him overboard.  Please.

*John fights him instead*  COME ON

Well that was disappointing

They’re TRYING to amp up the romance between these two and it’s just... eehhh so close... but dishonest.

Whoever is voicing John Smith is like trying to do some pseudo-British version of Mel Gibson and it’s weird

I do like this contrast between John Smith who is like “I have great plans for exploring the world where we can always be together” and John Rolfe who is like “I want to establish a peace between us two without forsaking each other” and I wish more effort was spent on THAT

BUT WE CAN’T.  For historical reasons.

John Rolfe, what kind of shirt are you wearing?!?

THEY SAVED THE BEAR!

Hmm.  It just ended.

IS THIS JUDY KUHN AND BILLY ZANE SINGING IN THE END CREDITS??

[herkawaiinovels]

[SS] Chapter 13

It had been a few days after the garden party. Roman and Jack met in the imperial palace.

“It has been a while, Duke.”

“It has been a while, Marquis.”

Jack and Roman lightly exchanged greetings.

“Would you spare a moment to have a cup of tea with me?”

It had been a while since Jack had asked for a request. It had become a rare occurrence since the time he became entangled with Prillance. Roman was puzzled, but there was no reason to decline.

“I heard you’ve been having dinner dates with my daughter lately.”

As soon as Roman sat down, Jack brought up the story. For Roman, Jack’s gaze felt a little aggressive.

“That’s right.”

Roman answered simply.

“I think you had a different partner at the party, or did I see it wrong?”

Jack asked Roman, who was drinking tea. He didn’t like the relaxed behavior displayed in front of him. It might be because of the incident at the garden party he witnessed not too long ago.

Roman, who was having dinner dates with Prillance, brought another partner with him. He was making a clear contrast of Roman’s actions.

“That's also true.”

However Roman did not hide it. There was no reason to hide it in the first place since it was Prillance who liked and followed himself.

“Don’t you know that’s a bit discourteous?”

Jack, looking at Roman with his eyes wide open, looked like a real father. It was different from Jack’s usual behaviour wherein you wouldn’t know what he was thinking. It seemed that was how bad the incident from the party was to him.

“The Lady is already aware of this.”

But it didn't matter to Roman. Seeing Jack’s surprised face, Roman realized that Prillance's offer seemed purely her own independent decision.

“I guess she didn’t tell you this.”

This shocked Roman. He had thought Jack already knew about it.

Then what was Prillance thinking?

“We struck something similar to a deal…so to speak.”

Roman's eyes sharply caught Jack's expression. Even though Jack had a long political career and instinctively knew how to control his expressions, at this moment, Roman was able to catch it.

Thanks to this, he became relaxed. The key was in his hands anyway.

“What do you think of my daughter?”

At the moment, Jack wanted to ask Roman many questions. However, he managed to quell his curiosity by wetting his lips with tea. It wasn't too late to go home and ask about the deal between Roman and Prillance.

“Hmm…”

Roman sensed Jack’s thoughts and stretched the end of his words. He would have done something similar if it had been himself. But now Roman had no intention of giving him what he wanted.

“If you are still uncertain about it, how about making it clear now?”

Jack didn't know that Roman's expressions, which neither showed like nor dislike, made things difficult for Prillance. He recalled the scene at the party he witnessed not too long ago.

“There’s something I need to clarify first.”

However, Roman still looked confident.

“Viscount Grant and Lady Weiand’s relationship.”

His inquiring face seemed to indicate jealousy in Ver and Prillance’s relationship.

“Do I have to explain it? It’s because it is a waste of Viscount Grant.”

Jack was a bit offended at Roman’s sentiment. Roman seemed to misunderstand the two, but Jack knew it wasn't like that. He remembered how Prillance previously came to him and asked for Ver to be one of their family’s knights.

“My daughter is very sensible, similar to myself.”

Jack threw an implicit comment at Roman, who didn't even know Prillance’s mind. Come to think of it, it was something an average noble lady would not be able to think of. Suddenly he wanted to boast more about it.

Although he refused at the time, now that he thought of it, it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

“You mean to say there’s nothing going on between her and Viscount Grant?”

Roman asked once more.

“If you are asking if their relationship is one between a man and a woman’s, it is absolutely not.”

Jack gave a confident answer. His answer further fuelled Roman's question.

Prillance's affection for Ver was clear. If the meaning in her eyes was not affection, was there a reason to keep meeting like this?

'If she sees Viscount Grant as something other than a man...'

Roman stroked his chin and tapped the armrest with his fingertips. He tried to remember what Ver was like before the fall of Marquis Grant.

“Viscount Grant…”

Suddenly, Roman's movement stopped. Speaking slowly, his gaze turned to Jack.

“He is an excellent knight.”

At that, Jack's movement as he drank his tea halted for a brief moment. Although it was fleeting, Roman did not miss it. It was a fact he had forgotten for a moment - that Ver was a skillful man, competent enough to join the Imperial Knights.

“Your daughter has much forethought.”

Finally, the tangled thread before him was unraveled. Roman smiled brightly at Jack. Looking at Roman’s strange smile, Jack comforted himself by thinking that his smile must be a positive response.

        ***

        After the garden party, Prillance wasn't as motivated before. She couldn’t understand why all her plans had ended up as failures.

Even though there were many things that had not gone as planned, she felt her mind was not the same as before. Moreover, the conclusion of those thoughts was…

'Can someone else fill Ver's happiness?'

After a few days of contemplation, it became clear. She was hoping for that someone to be her.

    “Be careful.”

As Prillance stumbled, Ver caught her. After quite some time, she was dressed in comfortable clothes and was once again learning self-defense with Ver. To clear her head, Prillance practiced much more vigorously.

She tried to hit the scarecrow's vital point as Ver had taught. Apparently, doing so would throw off the opponent, giving one the opportunity to run away or attack in the meantime. It was a precaution against possible dangers in the future.

“Looks like you have a lot of things on your mind.”

Ver stated as he saw her breathing heavily. Exercise helped eliminate the clutter, so on days when his head was muddled with thoughts, he purposely tried to focus on the exercise. That was the sense that Ver felt as he saw her more impassioned and focused than before. After the garden party a few days ago, she had been lost in thought even as they took a walk.

“I know right. Today, I want to sweat a lot.”

Prillance couldn’t tell him about her greed, so instead she just laughed as she wiped away her sweat. Though he could hear the bitterness in her laughter, he pretended not to notice as she seemed unwilling to talk about it.

“But still, the lady shouldn’t overdo it. The lady’s stamina cannot sustain up to that level yet.”

Ver said as he handed her some water. Ver, unaware of her greed, was still kind. On one hand, she felt bad. But at the same time, she felt that the feelings she had put away were surging once more.

Just like those days when she hid her improper emotions while wearing a friendly mask. Prillance gave a wry smile. As her face turned red with practice, she eventually decided to sit in the shade and watch him practice.

His face was expressionless as he lightly struck the scarecrow using a wooden sword. However, his gaze was sharp so as not to miss the target.

He looked sexy as he wiped off the sweat that flowed from his wet hair and ran along the side of his face.

'I didn't think I would ever look at a man and think he is sexy.'

It wasn't just his face. She thought as she saw his tidy movements hit the scarecrow in the correct spots. Every time he hit the scarecrow, tiny straws scattered around him. His swordsmanship captured her attention even when she wasn’t well versed in the area.

Throughout Prillance’s gaze, Ver kept his eyes focused on the target. His actions seemed to resemble her own.

As she became self-aware, she felt a little heartache. She knew that it was selfish of her to desire for his eyes to turn toward her.

“Oh, can you give me your hand?”

After finishing his practice, Prillance turned to Ver, who sat alongside her.

“Come on.”

Prillance wrapped a wristband around Ver's reluctant wrist.

“What is this?”

“A leather wristband.”

“Leather…”

It was usually used for bags. Ver looked at the strap around his wrist and found a round metal. On it, the letters 'VG' were engraved.

“You can treat it as a keepsake. You can wear it like a men's bracelet, or you can put it wherever you want.”

It was the item she unconsciously bought on the day they went out together.

When she got home, she wanted to make a keepsake out of the leather strap she picked up. She didn't mention there was a similar wristband in her house with her name on it.

“It's not expensive, but it's the only one in the world.”

Only one. Ver ruminated over the meaning of her words. The nuance of these words was very strange. It was a modifier; the meaning behind such words usually implied something precious and contained one’s heart.

“Why are you giving this to me?”

At his innocent gaze, Prillance could not help but avoid his eyes.

“Please think of it as a token for training me all this time.”

After hearing her response, Ver made a strange expression and fiddled with the leather strap around his wrist. He didn't even know what answer he wanted from her, but he was sure it left a lot to be desired.

        Previous | TOC | Next

    If you can, please support the author by purchasing the raws here or here.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep8: Magic Mai

So fun fact, I was out of town around this Thanksgiving and I grabbed a laptop from my Dad’s stack of machinery he’s sort of collected over the years and lo and behold--he put Linux on it.

Like I dunno if you all can relate to this problem, but everything he touches turns into Linux and he’s trying to live this Windows free/Mac free lifestyle, and I get it, I’m friends with so many vegetarians, but like I hate this laptop. I'm using Gimp to make these screenshots...So I can re-do them later in Photoshop because...it just doesn’t feel right to put Papyrus on this computer. It already has Linux. This poor machine has suffered enough. Long story short, this’ll be a small update because right clicking on linux is ass.

Also, because I was on a laptop and realized how small my blog is for the first time--I don’t have control over the size of pictures in text posts, tumblr does, and in this particular theme it’s not allowing me to change the size, and so do me a favor. Click ctrl and + at the same time a couple times (I’m assuming most of you are on firefox). There. the pictures are the right size now. If you hated that, you can click ctrl and - but like lets be real, my font is occasionally...tiny.

Anyway, we start discussing this episode on the confusing legs of the last one, where Mai is evil now, and it’s really not entirely clear if she’s possessed or if she’s just always been this way, or if she just FEELS like it.

And that’s all this episode is about, start to finish--is this Mai’s choice or was this not Mai’s choice? The answer is the same as it would be for a normal person: it’s complicated. Maybe it’s everybody’s choice. Maybe it was because no one did anything that Mai went completely haywire? Maybe it was because Mai hid how she was feeling so no one had any idea she needed help? Or, overall, maybe Mai is kind of a toxic person and wanted to be this way? Especially while she’s on children’s cartoon card drugs?

(read more under the cut)

So to start off, a weird thing happened at the beginning of this episode. After about 4 seasons, someone finally mentioned this:

How many seasons has Yugi been talking to himself? Like, out loud. In front of everyone and Kaiba? This whole time, right? Like Valon just dashed my headcanon where I figured Yugi was smart enough to think his thoughts instead of speak his thoughts. He’s just not that smart, unfortunately.

Meanwhile, Mai has managed to attract this other (teenager?) guy and like...to go worse than Joey so quickly is kind of shocking. Mai just seems embarrassed by the amount of very young boys in love with her. And she’s not even a cougar about it, she doesn’t really seem to want this to happen but it keeps on happening.

And although he is essentially the card form of a drug pusher, Valon has this soft spot for a girl I guess to give him some sort of redeemable flaw. However, she only wears tube tops and minis and spends like hundreds of dollars on her hair, so it doesn’t really make him seem any less shallow, tbh.

PS I’m surprised, that unlike all the other characters on Yugioh, I can’t just type in Valon’s name into Google and get his age and weight. No idea what his age is, and if you know, feel free to tell me but he just seems...exactly the same age as Joey. He seems very 17. Maybe it’s the obsession with motorcycles and children’s playing cards? Maybe it’s his big ol childlike eyes? He just seems young and niave like how a teenager who just fell in love with a very angry older woman would.

Joey tries to remind everyone, multiple times, that this game is the worst idea ever since it requires one of them to super die, but Mai is on card drugs so I don't know why they bothered. Also, why is Joey still surprised by this after 4 seasons of this?

Yo it’s S4 and Mai witnesses magic non-stop but still has basically no idea how it works. She really did say “I have no soul” and it was like...I’m 90% certain she literally thinks she has no soul right now. Which I guess, statistically speaking, is rare to actually have a still intact soul after hanging out with the main villain, with the way this show typically goes.

Meanwhile, last episode it really sounded like Duke Devlin was driving to Pegasus’ company building. It really sounded like he would have gone directly there, since Weevil and Rex told him that Yugi was going to Pegasus.

Remember that Duke Devlin works for Pegasus and probably has his own parking spot.

So where did he go instead?

You know how there’s only one gas station in the entirety of America?

I can’t believe it blew up.

Y’all what is the red splotch in the middle of the pile ps? That is legitimately a pile of blood, right? I didn’t shop that in. There’s just a red puddle in this kid’s show.

Y’all what is that? Like was there a scene with a red handkerchief that I missed? Is that a red handkerchief?

But to move past the mysterious pool of blood that confirms those bikers are so hella dead, I have no idea why Duke was here, I have no idea how he got the tip off that Yugi visited this place, but then he turned around and went back to SF so like...I guess he’ll arrive 3 days from now because again, they are in Arizona. They keep telling me this is right outside SF but like--Mesas. There’s Mesas.

And then this happened.

That one guy on the writing staff who just stans Seto Kaiba so hard got into the drawing room, I see.

PS someone had to pose for this shot for them to draw this shot from this angle.

Meanwhile, lets see why Mai turned evil. Ah, because it is Yugioh, the biggest reason is that she has no friends (probably because she’s got the most acidic personality known to man) and isn’t card popular enough and got super bitter and jealous.

Speaking as an artist who is online, I can understand the frustration here. Sometimes (99% of the time) you work really hard and no one cares and you get like 2 notes. And honestly, why should they? Like, why do you do it in the first place?

Mai echoes a lot of the issues of Seto last season, where she wants so badly to be the absolute best to prove herself to the ghosts of her past who really don’t care any more.

But, since Mai was in a coma when Seto got through all of that, I guess she never got the memo and still seems stuck on just wanting to be the best with no other reason than “to be the best” which again, sounds so much like art school problems. This is everyone who has ever had an interest in animation. We all go through that phase.

Generally we don’t take peoples souls as a reaction to that type of discouragement, but then Mai made sure to mention in almost a foot note that she did spend like an entire season and a half trapped in Marik's shadow realm. And that kind of effed her up in a really big way.

Thanks, Marik.

Really feels like Marik should be dealing with this problem--really feels like maybe Marik is the only person that we can actually point to and say “Oh yeah, that guy is to blame for Mai right now” And he is the only person that Mai does not actively go out and try to kill.

And I’ll have you know I just deleted like a 15 K word rant about the difference between character assassination and your character just--evolving into a jackass, and how it’s OK to have your character change into a jackass, especially after trauma. I felt this need to really have to defend this ancient writing technique that people have been using since about as long as stories have been around.

Then I remembered “Oh yeah, I’m just making this point because a few number of very loud idiots on the internet want to have very lukewarm hot-takes about popular characters solely because they enjoy baiting people on twitter into getting into week-long arguments that don’t go anywhere.” and I just...let it go. I let it just...go into the ether. Ah. The peace that comes when you already know you’re right.

But anyway, back to Yugioh, which thankfully doesn’t take a stance on this nuanced subject, and only presents this very serious problem without actually offering a solution (because there isn’t a one fit’s all solution to falling off the deep end and getting into drugs and murder), Mai decides to just go and blame this decision she made on anyone else. Because, why take responsibility for your actions, when you can pin it on people who were on the other side of the freakin planet when it happened?

Like, I just want to remind y’all that she was in ATLANTIS.

I wonder how good the cell reception is in ATLANTIS.

I just...Mai is like in her mid twenties maybe thirty’s. She’s so arbitrarily old that she plays Yugi’s Mom in the video game spinoff where they’re reincarnations of medieval times. That’s how old she is.

Imagine if you made some epically BAD decisions because you were jealous of some teenager’s success and didn’t want to be weak anymore, and then you confronted those teens, and said “This is all your fault.”

Imagine looking someone as dysfunctional as Joey Wheeler and telling him “You made me like this” because lollllllll

And I present this as a joke but like basically this happens all freakin time. We’ve all had a friend like Mai. Past tense of course, because it’s really hard to keep a friend like Mai for very long. (One of my friend’s who went Mai destroyed my apartment one summer and then literally blamed it on me for going to California for 2 months and leaving her unattended.) But like...don’t let Mai’s do it to you. They can get better, but only if it’s their choice, really. You can’t force them to save themselves.

But, as Mai was finally ready to give up cards and probably improve her quality of life by a huge degree, unfortunately, she got sucked right back into the trap.

Bro note: being a serial murderer cultist is basically working at McDonald's in this universe so maybe this wasn’t even that weird?

But that aside, this is alllllmost like a dark version of “Mai got into an abusive relationship to fill the void in her heart” except she’s not even really dating this guy? Like she hates this guy? He’s just kinda there?

Y’all I really can’t tell if Valon is in an abusive relationship with Mai who is using him for power or if she’s in an abusive relationship with him because he only wants her pretty face and wants to kill Joey because Joey liked her once--and maybe it’s both? Maybe both of these people are just...really bad for each other?

Overall Joey is kind of tossed into this not-a-love-triangle and I’m like

“Hey show? show? Am I supposed to....were any these people ever dating? Is there supposed to be an implied history? Am I supposed to get attached to this?” because I mean...the only character who was able to get some actual physical romance on this show was Pegasus when he macked the ghost of his dead wife because, again, Pegasus is the freakin king of this entire show. Of course HE can do it.

But have this show clarify what the hell is happening between Valon and Mai? I’m gonna take a bet that we will never get to see it beyond Valon being like “Ain’t she a beaut!” Like Steve Irwin talking to an alligator, and Mai just pretending he doesn’t exist. Yugioh romances are so completely one way every single time. If something more than that happens, I’ll be

shook.

Anyway, as all the children on the show keep repeating over and over again, they haven’t had any contact with Mai since she left the freakin country and they went back to High School.

And so someone threatens to kill himself, as is Yugioh tradition, and someone else barks at him to NOT kill himself, as is also tradition, and they decide to play real cards next episode.

This whole entire episode, PS, Joey went out of his way to just...not play cards. that was this whole episode. Way to draw out a card game over three episodes, I guess.

Anyway if you want to read these from the start you can do so by clicking the link here

[bigskydreaming]

Linking to an old one-shot AU headcanon-thingie that morphed into actual fic like...five paragraphs in. Its basic premise is the Zataras and Graysons knew each other from various Zatara magicians of generations past all working the stage magic circuit. So (pre-Flashpoint, of Bruce’s actual age and generation, not like, YJ version obvsly, fhalksfklsa) Zatanna ends up adopting Dick instead, and then Things Happen that result in a Jason and a Tim Zatara as well, and all three still become vigilantes, but like, ones that combine different specialties of magics with their other individual canon characteristics, like Dick’s acrobatics and Jason’s fondness of a good brawl.

(Don’t worry, Meanwhile, back in Gotham, there’s still a Bruce and as we all know, where there’s a Bruce, that Bruce is gonna Bruce. Cass and Steph and Damian all end up Waynes and Duke would be an inevitability eventually as well.)

Anyway, self-indulgently bringing this back cuz I have an unnatural fondness for Magic Batbrothers: The Musical! type AUs, and also the dynamics in this quite amused me to write. Plus, I actually have Batfamily-focused followers now, lol. 

I played Dick off as more skewed towards the ‘goofy, perpetual sunshine machine’ fandom take than I usually do, because I mean, this was mostly just crack and I do admit he is fun to write that way when its Honestly Not That Deep, and also in a universe where he is actually loved and appreciated by his little brothers, and they all get along but also occasionally hate each other lots but not really just like the real family they are AND DESERVE TO BE WRITTEN AS, AHEM!

Anyway, an excerpt to go with the link above:

When last we left our intrepid heroes, rich entitled bastards with a pervy penchant for nursery rhymes and child assassins had set their sights on claiming Dick and turning him into their mindless zombie bird-themed killing machine. 

In all fairness, they did lead with the extremely persuasive argument of 'look we totally called dibs before he was even born, so.....step off??' 

Then they kidnapped him and attempted to turn him into their mindless zombie bird-themed killing machine.

Compelling argument though that may be, Dick's brothers are not impressed. They are, however, magical, hyper-competent and extremely petty slash vindictive.

All of which is to say, Tim turns the Court into a bunch of actual owls. And then Jason summons a giant murderous hawk-demon from another dimension that eats all the owls.

And then they wait for Dick to wake up from all the drugs the Court pumped him full of in preparation for The Ritual of Zombie Assassin Making. And Tim just has to ruin it, that asshole.

"You know, hawks aren't naturally the enemies of owls," Tim says out of nowhere. Well. Not out of nowhere so much as out of concern, because Tim's natural physiological response to being worried is to get pedantic.

"What," says Jason flatly. Which is his natural physiological response to Tim being. Y'know. Tim.

Tim shrugs, his eyes intent on their older brother, who is still making like Sleeping Beauty and sooooo gonna get razzed by them for that later, once the Worries and Anxieties have all exited stage right. "It just felt like you were going for a theme. Which is fine, I'm just saying, owls don't actually have natural predators. One might occasionally get killed by a hawk, but usually that's more of a territorial dispute and still pretty much an outlier in terms of statistics."

"Why would you even say that to me right now," says Jason flatly. Not asking, because its a rhetorical question and he's currently glaring the answer to it straight at Tim's back, and that answer is ugh you are such an annoying little shit sometimes.

Which is why when Dick groggily starts to come to, he's greeted by a soundtrack of:

"God, I'm so sorry, I'm just the worst for giving you information that you didn't have before, since clearly if you had you wouldn't have gone with a hawk!"

"Well what the fuck should I gone with, a demonic taxidermist? Like excuse me for being in such a rush to heap vengeance on the pretentious shits who kidnapped our brother, I didn't have time to go to wikipedia and figure out the most appropriate dramatic irony!"

"First off, why would you ever go to wikipedia as a source, we have literally had this exact argument several dozen times - "

"First off, are you seriously giving me bullet points right now. Seriously. Bullet points. Right now. That's a thing that's happening."

"You are such an infant. How are you five years older than me? I make one little critique and you bite my freaking head off - "

"What's happening?" Dick croaks out into one of the few synchronized pauses for breath. "Where are we?"

"The secret underground lair of an evil society of ornithologists who kidnapped you because your milkshake brings all the weirdos to the yard," Jason says crankily, still glaring at Tim.

Not that fuzzy, barely conscious but always guilt-prone Dick could possibly know that its not actually him Jason's ticked at. Tim face palms at his middle brother because what are bedside manners, clearly.

"A bird-themed cult calling themselves the Court of Owls pre-selected you to be turned into the general of their elite zombie assassin army," Tim recites quickly, predicting Dick's likely request for further information.

"Well that's rude," Dick frowns. He cracks open one eye experimentally, winces when even the dim lighting is enough to give his pounding headache a booster shot. Tries the other eye. Nope. Both eyes are in agreement. Light is the enemy of all that is good right now. Ugh. Definitely rude. He likes light. How dare someone incite this unforgivable betrayal from his BFF, light? "I don't think I care for their recruitment strategy. Although at least they wanted me to be the Boss Zombie Assassin I guess."

"Yes," Tim replies dolefully. "That does appear to be the silver lining here."

Despite their antagonism of thirty seconds ago, Jason snickers. They're nuanced like that.

"Well his usual priorities seem to be in place, so I think its safe to say we got to him before they could do any actual brainwashing," Jason says. "All in favor of blowing this popsicle stand?"

"Wait, there are popsicles?"

"No, there aren't popsicles in the evil cult's secret underground murder lair. Its a figure of speech, dumbass."

"Hey," Dick pouts. He coughs once, weakly, but Jason's eyes narrow in sudden suspicion of Milking It Syndrome. "Be nice to me. I was just kidnapped and almost made an Elite Zombie Assassin Boss and my head hurts and is all fuzzy and you know how I feel about popsicles. You shouldn't joke about them if you don't have any, that's just mean. But uh, should we be rushing? If the bad guys are coming back soon I do vote for the not being here option, like, just in case turning me into the Zombie Apocalypse is still on the evil cult agenda."

He would manage to latch onto the Elite and Boss part of that info dump, wouldn't he, Jason muses. What's the timeline for how long you have to express sympathy for your almost-brainwashed brother before you can yell at him for being insufferable about it? Is half an hour long enough?

"No, its fine," Tim assures their brother. "We uh....were slightly miffed about the whole kidnapping you thing, and so we were.....efficient? I guess you could say? About making sure they wouldn't do it again. I turned them all into owls."

"And then I summoned a hawk demon that ate them. You're welcome," Jason adds, not about to be left out. Even if he's going to have words later about being characterized as 'miffed.' The walking almanac knows more words in more languages than anyone in human history, pretty much, and he goes with miffed. The fuck, Timmy. The actual fuck.

"Aww, you guys, that's so sweet." Dick beams at them. Albeit at somewhat lower than his usual wattage. Then his forehead wrinkles slightly in confusion. "Why a hawk demon? Do owls not like hawks or something?"

Tim smirks at Jason viciously.

"I hate you with the searing intensity of a thousand suns," Jason tells his brat of a younger brother. "Also, gonorrhea."

[pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles]

Colour Me In Part 4

Eliza woke up to her bed shaking and a red light flashing in her face. This past week had been a nightmare with the James family taking up entirely too much of her time. Zach's ex, Daisy Moss,  had been blocked on all his social media, but was using mutual friends to get to him. All the while posting racy pics with cryptic captions “miss your hands,” “it's never as good as it was with you,” etc. It was working and he was bouncing off the walls an emergency call at 2 am wasn't as unexpected as it was unwelcome.

Sure enough, text messages were flooding in from Evie, Jeanette, and even his mom, Helen.  Daisy had finally gotten him to agree to meet for dinner to discuss where their relationship had gone wrong. That dinner dissolved into a public screaming match and when Daisy started trashing the restaurant Zach took off leaving her there. He'd hidden out at his friend Sam's house and they'd gotten piss drunk for a few hours. Zach got the spins and stepped outside for some air. It took Sam almost half an hour to realize he'd wandered off and raise the alarm. Before anyone could reach Sam's house, Zachary was arrested while banging on the front door of a Methodist Church crying and screaming at the top of his lungs. Evie had been notified as soon as he reached the police station. Her boss was enraged that Jeanette had let it go so far without contacting them, Jeanette was fed up with everybody and threatened to quit, and Eliza was on her way to clean up the mess.

Maggie heard her get up to leave and insisted on coming with her. Eliza hesitated thinking it unprofessional, but she was tired and an interpreter would really help move this along. While Maggie drove Eliza scrolled through her messages to see if she's heard from Calum.

She had barely seen him since that night he'd first kissed her. They'd met for a quick breakfast at Marian's, or as he called it “their spot.”  He'd also surprised her at work and taken her to lunch. Each time he was sweet and a well behaved gentleman, much to Eliza's growing frustration. He'd wanted to take her to dinner again, but she'd been so busy and then he'd gone out of town with his friends for the weekend. Calum had texted her regularly, but it wasn't the same.

Waiting in the West Hollywood police station to get Zach processed Eliza pulled out her camera and nudged Maggie who shook her head.

“What the fuck are you doing? I look like hell, I want to go home.” Maggie always signed slowly when she was tired and Eliza called it whining.

“Please Mags I wanna fuck with Calum a bit,” Eliza pled with her sister.

Maggie pouted but nodded and Eliza told her to look pissed off. She took a few before deciding on one where Maggie looked angry and Eliza looked scared.

I didn't know who to call. I can't reach Kevin and I can't call my mom.

Calum responded quicker than she thought

OMG babe what happened? Are you okay? Do I need to come get you?

Maggie read over her shoulder poking her in the ribs before sitting back and looking smug.

Eliza glanced back and Maggie signed “I told you, I knew he liked you like that,” her hands back to their usual quick precise movements.

Eliza rolled her eyes and shook her head, but she was smiling.

We've been arrested. Evie will help with a lawyer but not with bail or bond.

What the hell? What did you get arrested for? Maggie too?

It's a long story but we're being charged with attempted murder

Maggie smacked her arm, “dummy now he'll know you're lying.”

….. Okay you're fucking with me, you had me going for a second. If you're serious, well this should be interesting.

Calum why would I lie about something like this

Calum sent back a screenshot of TMZ showing the arrest of Zachary James and how neither his manager or publicist had any comment.

My guess is you're waiting for this little shit. I see his ex Daisy Mess is back again.

I heard a rumour Ashton had a thing with her sister, Poppy.

That was Luke actually. All three sisters are batshit crazy. I haven't met the oldest, Iris Rose but I've heard enough.

Oh shit I gotta go…. The family just showed up

Helen's mother, Zach's grandma Lila, showed up minutes after his mother and sister. Due to Helen's hearing loss the entire family knew ASL and Eliza and Maggie got to watch the two women silently arguing while sitting quite some distance apart. It was clear Lila blamed them for bringing chaos and disruption around her troubled grandson. Lila was introduced to the sisters after Zach was finally back with them. An argument ensued and not wanting to been seen by the rest of the family, Lila discreetly slipped Eliza a note asking her opinion.

Eliza wrote back “Take him with you to San Diego, he needs a break. He needs a new manager and get his computers and cameras out of that house and away from his sister.”

Lila nodded and asked Eliza if she'd come to San Diego to help out until they replaced Jeanette.

Maggie shook her head behind Lila but Eliza felt she couldn't say no.

It had been a week and Eliza was out of her mind with boredom. Eliza feigned a cat allergy to politely decline Lila's invitation to stay in her gaudy McMansion in a gated community, and Lila paid for a decent hotel. She missed her friends and family. Maggie was on FaceTime every free minute they had. Kevin bombarded her on Snapchat because he lives for the filters. Calum had stuck to texting along with a few Snapchat videos of him with Duke, or at rehearsal with the guys.

Calum found himself missing her terribly. His pulse picked up when he got her notifications. They were at this weird stage where they were dating but not quite an official couple. Calum wanted to be available, but not clingy, flirty but not creepy. The fact that they mostly had a text based relationship gave a whole other set of problems as words on a screen, lacking nuance of tone or body language, could easily be misinterpreted. It was stressing him out, and he didn't get stressed out. ‘

He was Calum Hood, and he didn't stress out over girls. At least until now, and his friends wouldn't stop giving him shit. He had to just smile and take it because they weren't wrong. He hadn't hooked up since Natasha, when he'd literally kicked her out of bed to go meet Eliza. These past few days he'd been low key tempted, as it seemed every girl he'd hooked up with over the past year was hitting up his phone. Jay had even offered to “just come through and suck him off if he wanted,” and it was hard to say no to that

“Come on Calum, you hardly ever come out anymore. Your girl is out of town, and there's nothing that says you HAVE to pull. Just come out have fun with the guys and then go home and jerk off to anime porn, or is that me?” Michael was relentless about Calum coming out to Lucky's. Finally he agreed and after a couple drinks he relaxed and was having a good time. He even chatted with Natasha, well aware she was very good friends with Kevin, who was also there somewhere.

Everything was fine until Ashley, Michael's ex came stumbling over and randomly threw herself at Calum, trying to shove her tongue down his throat and her hand down his pants. He froze,  hesitating to physically shove her off of him. Fortunately Crystal didn't and Ashley was soon on the floor. There was a bit of a scuffle when her friends tried to jump in but Kevin and security threw them out. Calum didn't feel like staying much after that, and Luke left with him grabbing In and Out before going back to Cal's.

“So have you told Eliza how much you like her? How long till you guys become an official couple?” Luke was only half teasing, he and the rest of the guys had noticed a change in Calum. He was happy and more relaxed, but at the same time bristling with a nervous energy.

“It's barely been a month since I met her, and you know I suck at relationships,” Calum shook his head looking dejected.

“You're doing pretty well so far with Eliza. You're always texting her, and you took her on actual dates. Something I've never seen you do. I've also never seen you go this long without a hookup, your balls must be killing you,” Luke snickered finishing off his burger.

“Piss off, what's your point anyways?” he pulled out his phone to text Eliza.

“You should go see her,” Luke told him.

“That's insane, I'd look like a fucking stalker,” Calum looked at him like he was crazy.

“Come on, she's stuck in San Diego on babysitting duty. She told you herself she's bored out of her mind, and hates going to crowded places alone. Surprise her and take her out, get your own hotel room if you have to. You're just going to drink and pout all weekend if you don't,” Luke checked his phone. “Ashton is still at Lucky's I'm gonna have him ask Kevin.”

“Luke I'll kill you,” Calum glared at him. “Don't you dare.”

“Too late, now let's see what Kevin says,” Luke shrugged.

Evie was thrilled at the way Eliza took charge of the Zachary James situation and had given her free reign to turn it around. Unfortunately it was taking longer than expected to find a manager leaving her stuck in babysitting duty as well as being in charge of the hiring committee. The week had been tedious meetings or emotionally draining sessions with Zach. Tomorrow was Friday,  she had two interviews and a phone conference with Evie. She couldn't go home until Tuesday at the earliest, but at least her schedule was free this weekend. Eliza wanted to go do something fun, but she hated dealing with large crowds on her own.

Luke laughed when Ashton texted him back, “apparently Kevin wants your number so y'all can surprise your girl, and he just found out there's something called the 'Calum Challenge’ to see if they can break you.”

Before Calum could ask what was going on Kevin was blowing up his phone

Eliza stared at her phone in disbelief. Kevin just wouldn't stay out of her business.

He came out last night and everything was cool, until this random thot tried to hop on his dick right there in VIP. Your mans panicked and almost threw that bitch across the room, but he can't lay hands on a female cuz his mama raised him right, so he's trying to pry her off of him without hurting her. Lucky for him I saw the whole thing and told Mikey's girl Crys to handle it.

That's not what I asked you Kevin. Why are you talking to Calum? What are you up to?

I'm trying to tell you, if you'll listen. So these broads have come up with the Calum challenge. They have a bet to see which one can get him to break first.

That can't be a real thing? Why is it that big of a deal?

Because they are all jealous little bitches who never thought Calum would settle down.

Settled down? This is ridiculous

So Calum was worried I'd tell you he was kissing another girl. That's how we ended up texting after he left with Luke. He wanted to surprise you so tomorrow keep your eyes open. Cal also helped me sweet talk Nat into covering my shift Saturday night. So get ready bitch because I'm picking you up at 10am.  I've got a big surprise for you so look cute.

Is Calum coming with you???

I wish that was the surprise, but his friend has that big birthday party Saturday night, and all the boys are going.

I know, just wishing, I know he can't miss something important like that.

Eliza finally got done with her meetings. She was thrilled to find Calum had sent her flowers, which were waiting at the front desk. Since Kevin insisted to dress up to his standards, Eliza went shopping. She found a bold bright blue peacock print tunic on sale that she could wear over her favorite black leggings and some cute blue suede flat heeled boots that were spendy but super comfortable.

Kevin texted her moments after her alarm went off.

I'm about two hours away. Your ass better be dressed, hair and makeup done and ready to walk out the door when I get there.

Eliza grumbled but she got up, Kevin hated mornings more than she did, so if he was making this much effort she had to as well.

She pulled her hair into two curly puffs on either side, it was too early and damp to do anything thing other than try and keep her hair under control. Seeing she had about 40 minutes to kill she made another cup of chai and continued reading a book of love poems from Persia in Farsi she'd borrowed from Maggie. She got lost reading until her phone was vibrating off the table and the strobe light by her bed was flashing.

WTF Eliza I come all this way, and you're not gonna answer open your door you gorgeous bitch

Eliza jumped up and ran to the door knowing Kevin would be in a mood because he had to wait.  Phone still in one hand, she flung open the door an apology on her fingertips, when she saw him she stopped dead in her tracks.

It wasn't Kevin, but Calum on the other side of the door, holding a lovely bouquet and smiling at her. She felt her phone vibrate again and looked at it trying to figure out what was going on.

Surprise!!!!! There's no way in hell I was driving to San Diego this early. Enough with this charade, tell Romeo I’m going back to sleep. Have fun with dog boy.. love you.

@wildhearthood @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @cal-puddies @biba3434 @babygirlcashton @angelbabylu @itstheholls @5sos-ficssmut @cal-pal-cuddles @calumh-excess @1dthewantedlove @you-of-ghost

[randomnameless]

Chapter 10 - Chronos to Miletos!

Welp in the last post i said Seliph ended up in Chronos, but no, he rekt’d Morrigan in Rados (even if i think you’re supposed to seize Chronos last?).

Anyways, after destroying evil people, Seliph meets his half-bro who’s playing the latest trendy game around.

But first, Seliph’s stepdad tries to do something.

Oldvis hasn’t seen Ishtar in ages! Naturally he asks how she’s doing.

kill that, it was just small talk. And, oh, surprise, Oldvis doesn’t care about the child hunts. So yes Amalda, your emperor hasn’t agreed with those things, you were right to trust him!

“i’ll tell him to go to his room and we’ll be over with this”

Oldvis uses the authority card. It’s never a good thing when one uses this card, because it means that, basically, you’re useless.

Daw, Oldvis didn’t want to bang her Julius! What do you mean by “is mine” btw? Your fiancée, your plaything, your tool?

Lil’ dastard. Oldvis pretends to be able to do something, or tries to use his big voice but Julius doesn’t care anymore.

This - Oldvis tried to banish his son, but it didn’t work. The Loptyr Sect prevented Julius from being banished? And banished where? The Empire is everywhere, unless Arvis wanted to send him to Travant. Maybe he wanted to send him to Archanea??

Oldvis looks so feeble here, it hurts. And Julius treats his dad like crap, bad Julius, bad!

:’(

That’s not a way to talk to your dad! Granted, Young!Arvis might also have been as dastardly as that to, say, Reptor so... I can’t say he earned this, but it’s also ironic.

I wonder what must happen in Oldvis’ head, is he really that beaten/broken? later we see that he is not, but here... what happened during those 7 years when Julius turned into Loptyr?

Of course you laugh, Arvis treated you like crap in chapter 5 so now you have your revenge!

Julius doesn’t join Manfroy in his Oldvis bashing. Maybe he doesn’t see the point. and OMG WHY IS HE MENTIONING JULIA???

OMFG NO DO YOU MEAN THIS USELESS CHARACTER WAS ACTUALLY THE PRINCESS OF GRANVALLE??? HOW COME NO ONE RECOGNISED HER??

I guess it was surprising, she only knew her kind and gentle brother and now he wants to kill her!

Finally we learn what happened to Deedee! Granted, Julius’ words here always make me sour.

Deedee accepted her death “to save Julia”?? It’s not like we have a kind of similar scenario in FE5, where a mother has to fight against one of children to protect another, but thanks for Nanna, Eyvel didn’t “accept her death” - and even if she had been able to use a rewarp staff to put her to safety, I doubt she’d have “accepted her death” without trying to help Mareeta. But Jugdral’s best mom has no peers in this world.

Ghoul yourself!

Yep! Do it now, we must do it now before you turn senile and decided to send her against the others, or some other shit plan like that.

Keeping this book under “the strictest lock�� is a good plan indeed, if you didn’t knew where she was. 

Julius/Loptyr takes no chances, the Book is locked, yes, but without anyone to wield it then he’s sure he’s going to be fine.

Note how Julius speaks about the avatars of Naga; Seliph isn’t a major blooded Naga peep so he doesn’t count? what about linoan?

Too bad Julius, he failed you. And by sundown, really? Talk about rushing things! Besides, Julius “supposes” he is needed?

Why? He just told you getting rid of Julia is the highest priority!

Julius doesnt’ like peasants, but he doesn’t care much about Seliph. And he is right, Seliph can’t do a thing to him without Julia, the worse he can do is breed with Linoan to bring another major Naga, but bar that he is as relevant as Duke Scipio. Peasants are going to revolt because Seliph is supposedly the true heir of Granvalle, but if he can’t kill Julius, then what?

Julius doesn’t believe Seliph is his older bro - it’s nothing but superstitious nonsense! He cares more about Julia, and dragon-wise/plot-wise, we should do the same but we’re following the adventures of Seliph.

I wonder if a Ced narrative would focus more on recovering Julia if he were to learn that his dad went missing because he had to protect the only person on the continent able to get rid of Loptyr.

A threat? No, he doesn’t. And seriously Julius, I know we’re in a game where sword emblem is broken, and theoretically Seliph could kill you with the Tyrfing, but even with the Tyrfing, and lore-wise, no, he can’t possibly be much a threat.

It’s pretty darn funny that Manfroy’s master plan fails because he believes Seliph is a real treat disregarding Julia completely. Manfroy breaks the 4th wall? Seliph is the Lord thus he must die, Julia is nothing.

Yep. The greater plot, regardless of what F!Lewyn tries to hammer, doesn’t give a fig about Seliph. Loptyr only cares about Julia.

Poor Manfroy.

Go Loptyr goons , defend Miletos!

You have a better idea than the one you just ordered? Oh Julius...

Yay! Kill a rebel!

Yippie!

I know this sounds odd in regards to FE5!Ishtar who’s more nuanced, but bear in mind that her mom escaped death a few turns ago so she’d be more than likely to want to kill some rebels. But sounding so happy about it? A bit Meh.

You have good eyes OIfey!

Poor OIfey has been the one living in exile for 17 years, he was just supposed to assist Sigurd and then he was thrown in this mess. I feel bad for him.

ARDEN WHO??? But note how Oifey mentions his peers, and the young knights of Chalphy so maybe Arden wasn’t a noble to begin with? He had just been a commoner who enrolled?

every last Chalphy face was a firendly one or you had other friends who weren’t from Chalphy?

Seliph comes from everywhere, save from the land he is supposed to inherit.

Oh :’(

Don’t be like that Seliph, do you think Prince Ulster of Verdane has any right, bar his blood, to rule over the barbarians there?

:)

I’m sure some pious citizens would prefer Major Naga Empress on the throne of Granvalle, but this is only food for an AU.

Who? The citizens of Chalpy or the citizens of Granvalle? Because the Granvalle peeps were happy until Julius became mad, hell, some of them don’t even know about the child hunts etc. So you’re actually saying a lot of crap, unless you’re talking about the people of Chalphy, and if Palmark is any indication, they weren’t put to the noose as soon as Siggy kicked the bucket.

Again, we don’t see the common folk of Granvalle in FE5, but if we can compare with the randoms of Thracia, they’re not praying for the second coming of Quan, they just want to get on with their shitty lives without risking to be killed by random brigands etc. But maybe the people of Chalphy believe in Siggy the 2nd, even if, and i never stress it enough, when Siggy and pals died, they died as traitors.

Saying Siggy is a hero means saying Arvis is a dastard, and in the beginning or the Empire, Arvis was well loved, even now, in FE5, Arvis is still loved.

So really meh about this line.

I don’t know if this “fairy tale” is made up by OIfey to cheer Seliph up, or if some diehard Chalpy loyalists really think that, or if Oifey himself sees Seliph as the 2nd coming of Siggy who will avenge his dad and save the world.

Mmh. I’m not convinced.

Granted, everyone hates the child hunts, and they want them to stop. Are they all suddenly calling to the son of a traitor to help them?

Seliph has had enough of the propaganda described by OIfey, and asks about the greater plot. Maybe all the randoms don’t like Arvis, maybe some think he is Loptyr...

maybe those randoms forgot how their dark god instaured a relatively peaceful land for 10 years, or they just slander Oldvis because he is the Emperor and the Empire has turned into a shitty place.

Or maybe the people we liberated couldn’t go all Amalda like “i had faith in Arvis what happened to him” because we’re the LA and Seliph’s n°1 objective is to rekt him, so no one should express sympathy for the man?

“don’t worry, i have a pony now!”

Hahaha - the only one who can rekt the dark God isn’t even a Lord in this damn game

He looks scary?

Mmh... like what? You look into his eyes and you’re charmed or something?

Julius had a group of fangirls! How cute! Granted, i don’t know if what happened to them next could be called cute...

Fig off

What if i sacrifice you?!

Welp, Julius tries to kill the useless man his useless sister married. Kinslaying, again. Hopefully, Ulster dodged.

Seliph wanted to say hello to his brother.

Larcei cut their discussion and Julius grew bored.

what? an useless characted inheriting an useless land married to an useless woman? Ulster’s pretty happy with this life.

He won’t.

Fee finally talks to her trash dad. But trash dad has some kind of draconic circumstances to explain his behaviour.

If i were Fee i’d slap him because she had been the only one to be at her mom’s side when she died

Maybe she really slapped him then! GG Fee!

You were happy seeing him? He who abandonned you all? And returned with another child? you’re a nice person Fee.

:’(

He has never been the kindest person around, but ignoring her completely...

He knows what it is to get shunned by his own Mother though! I miss you Rahna

Constructive behaviour here, but Fee isn’t the adult so i can let it slide.

I had the same reaction. F!Lewyn is really... despicable, regardless of his nature.

Many playthoughs of FE4 came to the same conclusion, so no Fee, even if your mom married Arden, she’d still be dead.

At least he acknowldges it.

??

To this day, I still don’t understand his outburst. Did Erin met F!Lewyn and told him it was A-OK to go and do whatever with Julia to save the world, she wouldn’t tell her kids about it? Or did she know F!Lewyn wasn’t her husband anymore?

He is trying to push her away, because he knows he can’t be her dad anymore or something else? Or because he is just that awful?

The kids? What about the most important one? The one with Major Naga blood? She doesn’t even deserve a mention?

“damn those foot units”

At least we managed to be on time for those repairs to be done.

Onwards to victory

I mean - Onwards to Chalphy!

[fanesavin]

What was the inspiration behind your character?

*cracks knuckles* Alright then, I have a feeling this is going to get long-winded because there’s several sources from which I’ve drawn and based Fane from. 

Edit: I was right this ended up being 3 pages long and over 2200 words in length.

I think the first thing I should say was in actuality I wasn’t entirely sure I even wanted to play Fane, I wasn’t entirely sure where I’d approach him from or jump into his psyche but the more I worked on trying to figure out his backstory the more I came to enjoy writing him. Initially, all I really had to go on was when Kcat approached me about Sumner and was like YOU SHOULD CHECK THIS OUT and gave a *nudge nudge wink wink* into taking up Fane. I’d been out of the RP game for a while at this point but I was like… eh why not… 

Thus this dork right here was made.

So my start point was this aspect of Dani’s bio:

“Though he’d never had the audacity to admit it out loud, Fane had long desired to be a father. Over the centuries, he’d watched his friends grow and love and start families, but being what he was, he was only able to sire new vampires, never his own children. He’d tried to fill that void in many ways: lavish parties, charming lovers, elaborate travels, even academic pursuits, to no avail. It wasn’t until an orphaned child had been brought to him by one of his reckless blood-drinking progeny that his envy for his mortal companions finally began to recede.”

It wasn’t much, but it was a good base. I tweaked the story a little to make it one of the vampires that Fane took in and tried to help rather than one of his own progeny. From the start I had base facts: that he was from Transylvania, around 400, that for some reason he didn’t want children before he hit perhaps the 300 mark and that even in Soapberry’s standards having a human child was considered odd. Fane was unique amongst his peers because of his willingness to attach himself to something that for all intents and purposes he would outlast/outlive. 

This wasn’t a common occurrence even by Soapberry’s standards and thus I knew Fane has had to live for the last 26 or so years facing criticism, judgement and skepticism from those he considered his friends and peers but despite this I never wanted him to become cynical– it felt like the easy route to take. To make an affluent character who was broody and locked himself away in his estate hoarding his money for his own pleasure. So I decided to take the trope of rich broody vampire, flip it 180 and turn him into rich generous philanthropist who opened up his home to anyone he came across who was in need a la Charles Xavier style, leading to the question of why even after four-hundred years of seeing things that likely would turn even the best person cynical he was still willing to give humanity and by extension those who judged or criticised him the benefit of the doubt time and time again?

I won’t lie, I love tropes I like picking them and exploring them through characters and admittedly Fane suffers from chronic hero syndrome, and with this I sometimes draw comparisons between him and Clark Kent– Clark has super-hearing and can hear literally everything even whilst he’s doing the most mundane things in his life and he makes deliberate decisions whether to help or not help someone. That he’s learned to ‘tune out’ what he has to and that he’s come to accept that even he can’t be everywhere for everyone and that sometimes people who need help sometimes need to be ignored. 

By comparison, Fane hasn’t come to learn this lesson and until he does he’s driving himself into the ground by taking on too many burdens belonging to other people (i.e. his willingness to listen to what people’s problems are and offer advice or even get involved trying to help them somehow sometimes show with Tuah, Faye, Dani, Sam, Elizabeth, Bella more recently amongst others he’s come across in his time). Unless someone willingly steps in to point out that this isn’t actually healthy behaviour he’s become blindsided to just how negatively it affects him and even when it is pointed out i.e. as it has been more recently by Faye, he’s been acting this way for so long that even now he can’t just break this cycle of behaviour. He feels a responsibility to use his time towards altruism and when he isn’t doing just that he feels like he’s failing to live up to his own moral code.

Speaking of moral codes, I also draw some influence from Arthurian myths– every single knight at some point in the myths feels a responsibility to got out and quest for trouble. In this instance Fane’s questing takes him in search of people he might be able to help. After all, I knew that if he’d taken in Dani he would have an inclination towards individuals with broken or traumatic histories which after exploring his zodiac as well just… fits. As a Leo sun and Pisces moon Fane is rather in touch with the nuances and subtleties of human nature, he does his best to take on other people’s points of view, to put himself in their shoes and try to understand from their point of view so that he can in turn help them as best as he possibly can. It’s part of the reason why he studies people a lot during conversations, he’s looking for clues to help him read body language and facial expression to figure a person’s intentions out.

ANYWAY, going back to the question of why he is this way I went back to look at history in the 15th/16th century considering I knew he was give or take 400 it meant he was turned in 1617/6 (I’m pedantic about dates) and since I hc he looks 37 it meant in turn he was born in 1579. So I started researching Transylvanian history and the background of Eastern Europe in the Middle Ages. I am a self-admitted history nerd, growing up I wanted to be an Egyptologist but now I couldn’t actually be further from the field considering I’m a sports science student. I try to do a lot of research about the things I write about (Riley can testify to this considering how much research I’ve done around life in 18th century London for a separate RP set during this era that we’re in) but even then pretty much all of my knowledge and interests stem from my understanding of more Western European / pretty much all English eras from the Roman conquest / WWI / WWII along with a mixture of ancient history that I’ve had an opportunity to study or come into contact with i.e. Mayan / Egyptian / Viking / Roman / Greek. 

Being brutally honest I knew next to absolutely nothing about anything to do with Eastern European history stepping into this or museum curating to be honest ahaha. So for me this was a huge leap of faith and a big ass research project before I even felt comfortable applying for this character because usually I like to write things I know about and can get a grip on. Fane’s the first character where due to prerequisites I kind of had to step outside of my comfort zone but this also likely explains why Fane’s interests lie with ancient history in comparison to nearer situations i.e. the Cold War/Vietnam War etc because I myself feel more comfortable and confident in myself writing about these eras.

Anyway, the Long Turkish war was my first point of contact with coming to terms with how I wanted to shape his background. I love a good coming of age story hence why Robb Stark is probably one of my favourite ASoIaF characters along with Margaery Tyrell and Arianne Martell (forever bitter about the show trashing Dorne). Anyho, in regards to this I turned to look at some actual historical figures and ended up looking at a young Edward IV born the son of the richest duke in England, who much like Robb and in turn Fane was forced into taking on huge responsibility and risk at only 18 after his father’s passing by comparison Fane was only 15 when his father was killed in the Great War in 1594. 

Fane like his historical counterparts had to assume leadership of his father’s men and make decisions risking not only his own life but that of his men making decisions that still haunt him mirroring what Edward likely felt after the Battle of Towton where supposedly 1% of England’s population died due to the ongoing civil war that now is more commonly known as the ‘War of the Roses’ which ultimately placed him on the throne. As a result of these deaths, Edward likely wasn’t all that fond of war and preferred to find other routes to avoid bloodshed, at the time he was viewed by his contemporaries as being overly forgiving (he showed mercy to traitors and issued orders allowing common soldiers to escape the end of battles).

That was his beginning, and from there I knew I wanted him to travel, learning about cultures and becoming fascinated with the rich history of the places he visited. So I figured in his chance to leave the boundaries of his home for war it ignited in him a curiosity and wanderlust that eventually later led to him forsaking his stead as Head of the Alois family and turning to pick a life of travel and immortality over simply dying. 

Thus the next character I drew on, one that outlasted the death of his own people along with several of his own companions due to his own longevity, decision making and ability to regenerate is The Doctor from BBC’s sci-fi hit Doctor Who (a character who ultimately chose to end a war by committing a mass genocide of not only his own morally questionable race but supposedly their opposing side as well). A character who initially only explored with the intention of experiencing the wonders the universe had to offer but more often than not got involved in the machinations and crises of various places he was visiting. Fane always was a man born into wealth and privilege but could never stand the plight of the weak and oppressed, thus his travels much like the Doctor’s became a way for him to protect and stand up for those who couldn’t stand up for themselves. Yet, in doing this Fane has had to do plenty of bad deeds and though many might call him a hero he refuses to actually subscribe to this title in any shape or form.

Out of all the incarnations if I had to pick, I’d say Fane’s an amalgamation of the 10th and 11th, with aspects of the 10th’s outgoing personality and the same fondness for pop-culture traits along with a bright, playful nature largely existing to conceal left-over emotional trauma from things he has done in his history. Although he is cheerful, bubbly and fun-loving darker traits occasionally emerge particularly when those he cares about are put in harm’s way or successfully manage to truly piss him off which is an incredibly difficult feat to truly accomplish. 

Aspects of the 11th that Fane displays are also the tendency to act far younger than he is, displaying childlike enthusiasm for plenty of things in life AS WELL AS HAVING A HUGE SWEET TOOTH, literally don’t offer him sweets or surgery things he will take them with 0 qualms about taking it. He’s not above doing things if they’re fun and engaging so long as they prove to make other people happy then… Really he’s willing to do almost anything within reason (caterpillar duck races 10000% included in this) but in truth this conceals that fact that at the end of the day he’s a very old, guilty, lonely and grief-stricken individual who has actually grown rather tired of the world.

Another ASoIaF character that inspires Fane is Davos Seaworth, the brutally honest advisor to Stannis Baratheon. The dynamic works because Stannis hates people sugar-coating their words if they have a point to make. Fane likes to give and be given in return good honest advice.

Fane’s a gentleman scholar, an aspect of his persona that draws on several points and characters perhaps the most ironic being Abraham Van Helsing from Bram Stoker’s Dracula, where, despite being “one of the most advanced scientist of his day” possessed nerves of steel, an open mind, kind heart and a wry sense of humour. Other characters influencing this part of him is Faramir who is known to be highly intelligent and scholarly, a gracious host and pleasant individual to encounter able to hold a friendly conversation wtih various people regardless of their culture and background. In Tolkien’s own words, Faramir was “modest, fair-minded and scrupulously just, and very merciful”

In regards to his anger when it does rear its head Fane’s fury is very tranquil in nature, much like Ender or Dumbledore when they’re angry. No matter how much fury they might feel, outside he tends to maintain a deathly calm and collected appearance. It’s deliberate, Fane knows the difference between hot and cold anger: the former is all-consuming, and will lead to them doing stupid acts, but the latter? In his mind it can be harnessed as a tool to harden one’s resolve and steel one’s will. This tends to be infused with Dumbledore’s quiet disappointment that makes the focus of his fury usually feel worse than if he’d simply raged and ranted at them.

The final two people I’d point out as references and influences in Fane’s characterisation would be Jay Gatsby and the Edmond Dantès from The Count of Monte Cristo.

[popwasabi]

“Godzilla: King of the Monsters” Review: Kaiju WWE Match Barely Rises Above Script

Directed by Michael Dougherty

Starring: Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, Ken Watanabe, and Milly Bobby Brown

 The term “dumb fun” gets thrown around a lot when describing a film like “Godzilla: King of the Monsters.” It’s often a blanket defense to shield a movie of this kind from any legit criticisms as unnecessary because “you’re supposed to turn your brain off.”

While I’m certainly not against indulging in cheap escapism I feel this defense often misreads the quality of a “dumb” movie as there are tons of films with bonkers plot-lines and themes that still hold up to strong criticism. A movie can be dumb and still make sense and an action movie can still be bombastic without bludgeoning a viewer with poorly contrived plot devices.

(A large percentage of super hero films and the MCU as a whole fall under this category.)

While “King of the Monsters” certainly isn’t short on spectacle and dazzling visual effects, its plot is more than just a little half-baked; it’s raw as hell with little coherence that will do more to takeaway from the movie’s best moments than enhance them.

The dazzling, kaiju-sized action will be enough for a large percentage of fans I imagine, and certainly kept me mostly entertained throughout the two-hour, fifteen-minute run-time but it’s not enough to lift the final product beyond being just ok.

“Godzilla: King of the Monsters” takes place five years after the events of the first film as we are introduced to Dr. Mark Russell a former Monarch scientist who specializes in animal behavior and communication. Russell has fallen out with his wife and daughter after Godzilla’s attack on San Francisco tragically took the life of his young son but after an eco-terrorist group bent on reviving the other titans of the Earth kidnaps them both Russell is brought back into the fold to help save the world.

The one big takeaway I’m sure most fans can agree on after leaving the theaters is quite clearly the giant monster scenes are some of the best in the genre’s history.

(I mean, nothing against traditional dude’s in rubber suits, of course.)

The special effects team which combined some motion-capture suit acting along with stellar CGI creates hyper realistic giant monster movement while also hearkening back to some good ol’ fashion WWE style kaiju on kaiju brawling. Yes, again, the plot leaves a lot to be desired here but the kaiju action more often than not starts before your brain hemorrhages too hard from trying to make sense of character motivations and thematic messaging.

Though I would’ve preferred less of these battles in the dark and/or rain the cinematography does create some truly awe-inspiring moments that will wow even the most uptight of viewers. It’s truly impossible not to find some joy in these scenes and for most die-hards fans this will be more than enough to satisfy.

(Me often times during the battles in my theater seat.)

Unfortunately for this die-hard the screenplay is lacking to say the least.

First, before I continue, I want to make something very clear; I have no problem with a film being “dumb.” More specifically I don’t have a problem with it being “unsophisticated.” A film like “John Wick” for instance is not a very sophisticated movie. Hitman loses wife, then dog gets killed so he goes on a murderous rampage to avenge both. The difference is despite “John Wick” having no art house message to tell at least you are never confused and/or irritated by the messaging and motivations of the characters in that plot and it never distracts from the meat of the film which is of course the action. 

Many of Godzilla’s Showa era films (which this movie mostly pays homage too) are like this and they work fine because again the plot moves the story along in a simple but effective way without detracting from its best parts, namely the Kaiju-sized wrestling matches.

“King of Monsters” unfortunately mostly fails on this level.

(I can honestly say the same thing about “John Wick Chapter 3″ as well but I’m not going to get into that today *sigh* but hey pew, pew!)

About a third of the way through the film the plot’s wheels spin wildly out of control and the mostly cognizant story up to that point goes up in atomic flames. You’ll spend more times asking questions than just sitting and enjoying yourself and it’s a real detriment to an otherwise spectacular giant monster throwdown.

The film largely wastes the talents of a hugely talented cast because of this between Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, Milly Bobby Brown and Ken Watanabe. All of them do well with what they have to work with but the script really needed far less characters to work efficiently and unfortunately the acting talent here alone is not enough to lift a script that has very little clear direction. Character motivations and pathos seem to be dropped at a whim and the film’s final moments contradict a lot of the plot movement from earlier in the film.

(The ending of this film in a nutshell...)

Again a plot doesn’t need to be sophisticated to be good but it should AT LEAST make sense and work with the action, not against it.

There’s some interesting world building here and there but large sections of it are inexplicably and quite literally blown to smithereens on occasions and it will make you wonder if there was more fascinating story layered underneath it all.

Despite my gripes I would say it’s still mostly forgivable how bad the story is because of the aforementioned kaiju brawling but there is one unforgivable moment in this film and it symbolizes a much larger issue I have with the American interpretation of Godzilla.

(SPOILERS ahead)

Godzilla is often viewed in a pretty straight-forward manner by most fans; he’s a giant, fire-breathing reptile here to wreck cities for two hours and not much more than that. For the longest time I mostly saw the big G-man in that way as well and for what it’s worth I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying Godzilla films on purely a superficial level. After all, a large percentage of Godzilla’s filmography is largely schlock.

(Fun schlock, of course.)

But eventually as I got older and grew more into my half Japanese-American identity my view on Godzilla became a lot more nuanced especially after seeing the 1954 original without the American re-dubbing and editing.

If you haven’t seen the original Japanese “Gojira” do yourself a favor and give it a watch right now. The 1954 classic is a masterpiece of post-atomic bomb era story-telling in Japan and at the time a long overdue allegorical discussion of what happened during WWII in that country. However you may feel about the use of the atomic bomb to end the war you cannot say that the results weren’t horrifying and tragic and its radioactive aftermath is still felt in Japan today.

In the US radioactive waste creates super heroes like the Hulk, Spider-man, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In Japan it creates Godzilla, a monster that is less a force of nature as these newer films describe him as but more the embodiment of dread, a vengeful God looking to bring about Armageddon to the sinful world. It played on very real fears about the hydrogen bomb and the escalation of weapons of mass destruction at the time and its message is still relevant.

(The 1954 film is not meant to be “dumb” and/or “fun.”)

Now, I don’t have a problem too much with changing Godzilla into a super hero for this series. Afterall, the Showa era films it largely takes inspiration from depict Godzilla mostly in this light anyways but if you’re going to do that you can’t go slapping the face of the darker, more vindictive “Gojira” and its theme in the process and it does that in just one scene.

About half way through the movie, Godzilla is duking it out with King Ghidorah off the coast of Mexico when the US military gets involved by unleashing their brand new weapon: the Oxygen Destroyer. Those who have watched the 1954 original know this as the weapon that eventually kills Godzilla.

Those that understand the original will probably see why I find this scene unforgivable.

The use of the Oxygen Destroyer in the original 1954 film is not supposed to be a triumphant moment even when it kills Godzilla; it’s supposed to be a dark moment that gets to the core messaging of the film’s story. The Oxygen Destroyer represents the next level in mass destruction in the movie; a weapon more powerful and more terrifying than the atomic bomb that created Godzilla. Its creator Dr. Serizawa (who is NOTHING like the Serizawa in this series) is reluctant to use it because he understands what terrible power it carries and what it might do in the wrong hands. In the end he sacrifices himself and his research by purposely detonating the weapon along with himself to kill Godzilla.

The way this weapon is brought up and tossed out immediately in this story feels like a cheap fan servicey moment that winks at the audience going “hey remember the Oxygen Destroyer?” It is both shocking and frankly a tone deaf and fundamental misreading of what that weapon is supposed to represent in the larger Godzilla canon.

(What I felt like doing to the writers after this scene in the film...)

It might seem small to other fans but it really speaks to how America has misappropriated Godzilla each time they have gotten their creative hands on him to fit a comfortable narrative regarding weapons of mass destruction. Just watch the dubbed version of the 1954 film and you’ll understand what I’m getting at.

It’s extremely problematic, even it represents a tiny moment in the larger and again confusing plot of the movie and would’ve been better off left on the editing room table.

(Thank you for baring with my mini rant here if you read this far...)

It should be said that I don’t hate this movie, however, warts and all. The kaiju-sized action set pieces make the price of IMAX largely worth the money and I certainly enjoyed it more than the 2014 film at least. I feel “Kong: Skull Island” is a superior modern monster flick in almost every way but as far as cheap escapism goes you could do far worst “King of the Monsters” at least.

But the plot’s often baffling, confusing and problematic choices unfortunately keep the film’s best parts from being enough to rise above simply mediocre and that’s a real disappointment.

I’m still waiting for a truly satisfying high production value take on Godzilla but given the fundamental misreading of the big guy’s much more nuanced background by Hollywood perhaps I should stop looking to the West to figure it out.

Welp. At least there’s always “Shin Gojira”…

 VERDICT:

3 out of 5

Hopefully Kong adds some much needed charisma to this franchise once he gets his big ape hands on Godzilla...

[flauntpage]

The World's Best Middle School Basketball Player is Toronto's Elijah Fisher

Walk through the halls of Crestwood Preparatory College in Toronto and you're likely to see one of two greetings being shared between students, coaches, and sometimes even teachers.

The first, a simple dap and chest-tap, has become a sort of Crestwood greeting for the roughly 465 students across grades 7 to 12 that attend the school. As the final bell rings and students file into any of the science labs, open-concept study halls, or student mentoring sessions before going home, it's not hard to catch the greeting being shared at lockers or in the hallway. It's in this environment that Crestwood has built its academic reputation, and it's here where Elijah Fisher is just another eighth grader trying to make honour roll.

The other greeting is less prevalent, at least until later. Once extra school time has been put in, Crestwood's basketball elite will assemble for practice. Here, a slightly more elaborate greeting—used primarily by players in the Grassroots Canada Elite program—is common, and it's here where Fisher stands out. Amid a strong girls program with four players to watch in the Canada Basketball youth system and a growing roster of boys talent, Fisher is currently the key to growing the school's ascendant basketball reputation.

After all, this is the best pre-high school prospect in all of Canada and, to hear him and head coach Ro Russell tell it, the best Class of 2023 recruit anywhere in the world.

"We're trying to change history. Elijah's in Canada. It's a little bit tougher for him, so he has to work even harder, and we have to go down to America that many times to show that he's No. 1," Russell, equal parts coach and advocate, told VICE Sports.

He recalls a recent challenge that Fisher couldn’t do a between-the-legs dunk, something that got Fisher to break with his normally all-business approach between the lines. "He's one of those guys that will prove you wrong and show you. He's driven by proving you wrong. He's going to show you you're wrong. That's what he's driven by: 'I'mma prove you wrong, I'mma show you that I'm that dude, and if you think I'm not and someone else is, then bring him and I'll show you that I am.' That's what he's driven by."

That's the goal, anyway, and it's one of several lofty ones that Fisher has. Outside of winning (and possibly going undefeated) in both leagues he plays in, Fisher will spend his weekends at elite camps and tournaments around the United States to continue to build his reputation among talent evaluators. Making those inroads for both Fisher and Crestwood is important now because the plan currently calls for Fisher to do something no other elite prospect has done: Be the No. 1 recruit in his class while playing his high school ball in Canada.

"Staying at home would be a big thing, because I can come home to my family, help support my brothers and everything," Fisher explained to VICE Sports. "It means a lot to me, to put my country on my back and show people, inspire young kids and show them that they can do what they want, they can be great. It's not always about the Americans, it's about them, too."

Canada has boasted a number of elite recruits in recent years, but all of them went to prep school in the United States. Those that did stay behind, like Jamal Murray, were strong recruits but not No. 1. Fisher and his camp want to change the thinking that as we enter the 2020s—where online mixtapes are prevalent, information disseminates easily, and elite Canadian programs can attend the bulk of the best US events, anyway—that a top Canadian prospect has to go south of the border to play prep ball.

Watch VICE Sports' documentary on the rise of basketball in Toronto

They can't exactly control how the recruiting rankers make their adjustments for Fisher playing his regular-season games against competition in the improving Canadian ecosystem, but they're hoping to break at least one major barrier in the process of achieving No. 1 recruit status.

"We have a whole plan of him being the first-ever Canadian to be No. 1 his senior year and also play in the McDonald's All-American Game," Russell says about the prestigious high school basketball event. "Right now, the way it stands is, the rule is that you have to play high school ball in America your senior year. But if someone is going to all the best tournaments in high school, playing against the best teams, the best players, going to the top camps in America, playing in the best AAU tournaments, and you're ranked No. 1 in America, they'll have to change the rule.

"It'll make no sense to have the No. 1 player in that class not play in the game."

Russell estimates that Fisher will play upwards of 80 games this year between all of his commitments, and perhaps as many as 100. That's in addition to practices, work with an individual trainer, and the relentless time Fisher puts in on his own time, studying the footwork of Kevin Durant or the passing of LeBron James and then taping his workouts to see where he can better replicate the stars.

This past summer, Fisher shifted to more of a combo-guard role despite standing 6'5" with a 6'10" wingspan, and that additional work on the perimeter should only help his development even if he winds up closer to his projected 6'8" or 6'9" height, where he'd likely be a wing or a forward. Some scouts have noted that Fisher looks less remarkable when he's not dominating in his age group, and trying out those new point guard skills against more developed high school talent will be a focus this season.

"Elijah has no interest in video games. All he wants to do is play basketball. ... He's just really super hungry for this sport."

"It's a challenge I look forward to, playing with competition, put my talents against them," Fisher says. "I feel like it's more of a good fit for me. I can get my shot off, get different moves to go. At my age, I'm always killing 'em. So when I play up, it's more hard-nosed defense and I have to use my IQ more. It's better for me because I get to use the IQ that I have. I was used to catching the ball in the high post and then scoring. Now I get to bring up the ball, look for different options, be more of a point guard."

All of that work is aimed at being the top recruit, as Fisher is eager to prove it can be done. Realistically, it is a little early to narrow in on prospect rankings. While there are specialized sites that will rank players before they reach high school, the primary trusted outlets—ESPN, Rivals, 247 Sports, and so on—will withhold judgment just a little while longer. NBA teams struggle to project how seasoned college players will continue to develop; trying to get a handle on what a 14-year-old will become as a player seems too tall (and probably unnecessary) a task.

Those that do endeavour largely agree: If Fisher is not the best recruit in that class (Mikey Williams from California is another huge talent atop the rankings), he's among a small handful that includes LeBron James Jr., and he stands as good a chance as being The Next One for Canadian basketball's ever-growing pipeline of talent.

It was no accident that when R.J. Barrett announced his decision to attend Duke this coming season that Fisher was on hand to take in the television special, spending the day around Barrett's family and friends. Barrett, the No. 1 recruit in the Class of 2018 and the presumptive No. 1 pick in the 2019 NBA Draft at this moment, has taken on a de facto big brother role for Fisher, the latest in a lineage of pseudo-torch passing in the program. Where Andrew Wiggins would take Barrett under his arm—figuratively and literally—as an under-ager in the program and at marquee Canadian events, Barrett is doing the same for Fisher, who is already eager to pay it forward by stopping to pose for pictures or as a volunteer helping out with children. As Fisher begins what can be a stressful process for a teenager, he'll have Barrett as a sounding board and confidant, and the support won't stop there.

Elijah Fisher. Photo by Reel Motion Image, courtesy Ro Russell

The audience the night of Barrett's announcement included Barrett's father, Rowan Barrett, the executive vice president and assistant general manager of Canada Basketball's senior men's program. As Canada Basketball has continued to grow and produce more NBA-level talent, the program has begun to take a more long term and nuanced approach to developing Canadian players, and Fisher will be among the first to grow up completely in that new system. The targeted athlete strategy identifies the country's best players at each age group and gives them an individual performance plan tailored to their game, and Fisher is ahead of schedule coming into the incubation program before high school.

Players like Barrett, Simi Shittu, and Andrew Nembhard have accelerated well past their age groups in the international program and, if his development continues on course, Fisher figures to do the same. Last summer, he joined the Under-17 team for training camp as they prepared for the FIBA U-17 World Cup (they'd place fourth), and he figures to be a big part of the Under 16 team's FIBA U-16 Americas tournament next summer.

"I think it's way too early to start talking about what he's gonna be. He's a boy. But definitely we've seen good trending, a good attitude and the mental part of it with him, and obviously there's athleticism," Rowan Barrett says. "We're gonna continue to support his growth and his development and hopefully as he continues to grow, he'll continue to be able to rise to the different levels of our program."

Fisher is already eager to pay the same treatment players like Barrett have given him. At school, Fisher is just another student, with friends in and outside of basketball. Around basketball, though, he's keenly aware of the impact he can have on others and already looks to pose for pictures or take time out and help kids on or off the court. His parents refer to him as a gentle giant and seem as excited about Elijah the person as Elijah the player. That's the case at home, as well, where Fisher spends what little downtime he does have playing with his three younger brothers.

The youngest, Daniel, is already excited for the chance to come at Eljiah in the driveway the same way Elijah did with the oldest of the five brothers. Still just three years old, it's difficult to keep Daniel off the court at Elijah's games and practices, and given the head start he'll have—parents who are 6-foot-4 and 6-foot-2, an older brother taking early steps toward an NBA future, and surely a place at Crestwood—there are already tongue-in-cheek projections that Daniel will be The Next Next One. Where Elijah wants to be the best Canadian since Steve Nash, the joke is that Daniel will want to be the best since his older brother.

Photo by Reel Motion Image, courtesy Ro Russell

That's about all Elijah jokes about when it comes to basketball. Fisher is mature and focused beyond his age, and while his parents occasionally prod him to be more of a normal teenager, this is normal for him.

"For Elijah, his mindset is different," Elijah's father, Rohan, told VICE Sports. "He knows that he's on a mission and he wants to accomplish certain things, so he knows that his path is gonna be a lot different from regular kids [his age]. So even though I try to remind him and try to tell him, 'Hey, go play some video games,' or 'Go do this,' Elijah has no interest in video games. All he wants to do is play basketball. Any time he gets a chance to practice or workout, that's it. Even when we're in the house and we want to have family time, he always has one of those small Fisher Price basketballs in his hand.

"Basketball has consumed Elijah. I played back in the day but I wasn't as hungry for it as he is. He's just really super hungry for this sport."

The hunger comes naturally, fuelled just that little bit extra by any suggestions that there's anything Fisher can't accomplish on a basketball court, from a ranking to an East Bay dunk to any other limitation you want to try to put on him.

"We really stay in the gym. We don't need to take a break. School and basketball and at home with my brothers," Fisher says about his life. "Right now, I don't pay attention to rankings. This coming season my goal is to win (our league), win all the tournaments we go into, and show the world wrong."

Watch episodes of The Way We Ball by VICE Sports, a series that explores basketball culture around the world.

This article originally appeared on VICE Sports CA.

The World's Best Middle School Basketball Player is Toronto's Elijah Fisher published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

[eternaleve]

‘Simply Henry’

Welcome back costume and history fiends.

Thanks for those blank staring eyes, Henners. No nightmares here.

‘Henry and his court look to sign the treaty with France, though tempers of both kings flare up at the summit. Meanwhile, Henry takes on a new mistress named Mary Boleyn, though he soon tires of her and Mary’s sister, Anne, is summoned to the court.’

There’s a lot that takes place in this episode. I mean, the stuff with Mary Boleyn could cover an episode in itself but the pace just rattles on through several really important things.

What The Heckaroonie is a Field of Cloth of Gold Anyway?

The Field of Cloth of Gold was a peace summit between Francis I of France and Henry VIII of England, Ireland, and France that took place between the 7th and 24th of June 1520. The really interesting thing about English foreign policy under Henry and Cardinal Wolsey is their interest in creating England as a peaceful arbiter of Europe – to live out Renaissance Humanist policies in real life political policy. The Field of Cloth of Gold was designed to increase the bond between the French and English monarchs after the 1514 Anglo-French treaty. It was also a chance to show off. Both Henry and Francis were incredibly young, flashy, Renaissance monarchs who wanted to strut their stuff.

There’s a lot about the summit that is actually pretty accurate. Someone did really care about getting some of the finer details right.

This is a 1545 painting from Hampton Court depicting the Field of Cloth of Gold. You can see the English Palace of Illusion, a wine fountain, and Henry and Francis wrestling.

So, these parts are really quite accurate. What’s not so accurate is Henry turning around and throwing a massive temper tantrum.

You see, he lost a wrestling match. And as a perfectly logical thing for a twenty nine year old man to do, he’s having a temper tantrum that involves destroying all his belongings with an axe. The Tudors has gone for a very strange characterisation of Henry. They proclaim to be a new and interesting look at the young Henry, but this involves making him into a screaming, bawling brat with limited character depth.

Henners is also upset that Charles V of Spain, nephew to his wife, has become Holy Roman Emperor and pretty much the most powerful man in Europe. Only this happened in 1519, not 1520, so he’s having a bit of a delayed reaction.

‘Tis a Pity She’s A Whore

The next big thing in the episode is that Mary and Anne Boleyn are more formally introduced and start making things happen. Also they’re WHOOOOOOOOORRRESSSSS, sexy, sexy whores to add all this amazing sex appeal with their naughty sexy behaviour.

I hope I laid the sarcasm on thick enough. I generally find the portrayal of the Boleyn sisters to be pretty poor in anything, and I think Mary’s depiction is pretty degrading. (FYI, my family is descended from Mary Boleyn. Actually. So I tend to get very personally protective of her.)

Let’s compare the Tudors version of Mary and the real one.

Mary is introduced in a brothel/bar/some place full of sex workers. Because she’s a WHOOORRRRREEEEEE. She’s some woman that Francis I sleeps with – his ‘English Mare’ – and she’s shown as a stupid, slutty woman that has no idea what she’s doing in life other than looking for dick.

It’s a very nuanced character, you see.

In real life, Mary was an accomplished courtier who had been educated in the usual manner of a Tudor gentry woman. You know, maths, reading and writing, grammar, two or three languages, dancing, embroidery, music, singing, gaming, falconry, riding, and hunting. Maybe she wasn’t an overwhelming genius of science or theology, but she was still a highly educated woman. And her education didn’t involve sucking dick.

Suck my thumb. Do it. Show me your French wiles.

  Mary, it transpires, has been at the French court for two years. That makes this episode set in 1516, then. Mary Boleyn was sent to the French court in the retinue of Mary, Henry’s sister, when she was sent to marry Louis XII of France in 1514.

In real life, Mary and Henry did not meet until 1520 when she returned to the English court to be married. She may or may not have been a mistress to Francis I, but I would err on not. It’s very convenient for her to sleep around because it makes the family look bad, and I suspect it’s gossip that gets reported as fact. Henry and Mary did have an affair, but we don’t really know when or for how long. There’s actually very little evidence of their affair, other than Henry admitting it later when he needed to marry her sister, Anne.

Anyway, her dick sucking is not as good as advertised, and Henry tires of her.

So the Howard and Boleyn families decide that Anne should step forward and seduce Henry. Because over the course of fifty minutes, where Mary was in two scenes with Henry in total, they were showered with such preference and wealth and prestige that they’re just going to throw Anne at Henners and see if it sticks.

I don’t especially like the whole ‘the Boleyns and Howards planned and maliciously duped Henry for their own power’ idea which pervades shitty historical fiction, and this makes no sense in time. It’s 1520 – or 1516, or 1518 – and Anne and Henry did not become  involved until 1525/1526. Anne wasn’t even in England until 1522. They’re throwing her at him about six years too early.

Also There’s Some Treason

Yeah, the Duke of Buckingham is still plotting away. But not for too long because he’s going to die.

He’s gathering up people loyal to him and he’s going to… do something. Either just outright murder Henners or launch full, open rebellion. In real life, Edward Stafford did no such thing. There’s accusations of him doing treasonous things, such as talking about the death of the King and his lack of children, but he was never outright going to just stab him.

He’s also dressed just like Henry.

Literally just the same outfit. If you wanted to hire the guy as Henry, why didn’t you.

Anyway, Buckingham gets caught. Because he wasn’t exactly being subtle.

How could this happen to me, I made a mistake…..

Then some real bullshit takes place with his execution.

This is a catalogue of wrong. Executions of the nobility were generally private affairs, not open to the common sorts of the public. He’s a peer – and even in death, he’s treated with honour. He would not be dragged to his place of execution and he would not sob and weep on the scaffold. Yes, it’s awful to be dying, but he’s a member of the nobility. He would conduct himself with dignity and grace as to not reflect badly on himself and his family.

And a friend of Henners would not be holding a man’s arms down for an execution. That’s just… good lord, it’s terrible. What a terrible, sensationalised depiction of an execution.

Buckingham’s execution is secured by the Duke of Norfolk, uncle to Anne and Mary Boleyn. He’s blackmailed into this position by Charles Brandon, close friend to Henners, giving him his father’s ring. You see, the Duke of Norfolk’s father was executed by Henry VII.

There’s a lot of wrong in this short two minute scene.

For a start, Thomas Howard as not the Duke of Norfolk in 1520. His father would not die until 1524. Thomas Howard, 2nd Duke of Norfolk, died of old age in his bed. He was not executed by Henry VII. That would certainly be a feat of time travel, seeing as Henners 7 had been dead for twenty five years at that point. You could say that they conflated the third and second dukes, sure. Only the first Duke of Norfolk was not executed by Henners 7 either. He died from an arrow to the face at the Battle of Bosworth. So, there’s nothing really right in this scene. Especially to have Charles Brandon threaten the frigging Duke of Norfolk in the street.

Also, the Duke of Buckingham was arrested and executed in 1521. This was a plotline that could have been allowed to develop for longer; as such, it feels like a rush of hot air that goes nowhere.

God, I Have a Son!

Henry’s mistress, despite finding out that she’s pregnant in the last episode, is already popping it out. Even though it’s Christmas 1520, and Henry Fitzroy was born the 15th of June 1519.

Tudor women didn’t generally give birth lying in a bed. They used a birthing chair. If they were in a bed, it was the pallet bed that would be underneath the main bed. You don’t want to ruin your nice bed with blood and afterbirth. People have to sleep on that.

Henners is so overjoyed at this arrival of an illegitimate son that he almost breaks his neck. Good job holding the baby. Guess we know why only one of your children with Katherine survived.

Sashay Shantay

Collars and high necks are very in this episode. Shame they don’t really become fashionable in Europe until the 1530s. Francis was fashionable, but not this fashion forward. He needs to be wearing a low, square neckline.

This is better. Square shoulders with undergarments showing. The hair is weird though. Too modern. Even him that nice chinlength bob Tudor men wore.

Where are your undergarments, Francis??? Your doublet is silk. You know what ruins silk? Water! What is your sweat made of? Water! Keep your clothes fresh and non-stinky with your underwear!

The collar on Henry’s outfit is far too high, and the doublet looks like it’s from the later half of the sixteenth century. It’s still far better than whatever this get up that Francis has on. Weird Swiss Guard/Fall of the Roman Empire runway look there, Francis. You brought a concept here, but it really doesn’t fit. At all.

Henry is clearly the architect of the Puritan movement. For some reason. He’s a king. He needs to look it.

Canadian beaver realness. To be honest, there is not enough fur on these costumes. I know that fur is not looked upon with favour these days, but he should be decked out in the finest of ermine and cheetah. Henry should look more kingly. More money, more power.

Turns out the greatest hunt is man.

Thomas Boleyn is continuing his fight against bad costumes. His remain the most accurate. Bless you, you evil man. Bless your ongoing stance against high collars.

Curtain Realness

The exposed shoulders are a bit iffy, as is the single colour for the gowns. Skirts had underskirts of a separate colour. The one colourness is a little cheap for two queens. And there are no trumpet sleeves.

That nursemaid is straight out of the 1590s. That’s some impressive time travel.

How hard is it to make a bloody hood? Women did not have their hair uncovered in public. Women didn’t have uncovered hair in public until the fricking 1960s, and they certainly wouldn’t in the 1520s. I hate the jewelled headpieces, I hate the stupid headband thing, and I laughed at the strange Nefertiti inspired headpiece worn by the French queen because I have literally no idea what it’s supposed to be. I like her expression though.

It’s the latest in Tudor maternity wear; pregnancy sack! With added useless shoulder cutouts! Because that’s what you want when you’re pregnant. Not easy access to a toilet, painkillers, and something loose to wear. Cold shoulders is what you really need.

To prove that Mary Boleyn is a whore, they’ve literally dressed her as a Venetian prostitute.

Why is your hair loose? Where are your trumpet sleeves? There is an incredibly famous picture of Katherine – use that! Use that as your basis for her clothing and design around that. We know how she dressed, and it was not like this.

What the fuck is on your head.

Bessie Blunt is wearing some Restoration gown. Look at those thin sleeves and cuffs – seventeenth century, ish. The hair net is fine, some women did wear them, but look at that woman on the right. That is a 1490s style hood there. Did you get it from your grandmother? That’s thirty years out of fashion, and it’s still not right. The front part of her head is out.

That waiting woman is wearing a seventeenth century dress. They took that straight off the rack of an English civil war drama and thought ‘eh, it’ll do’. Her hood is Elizabethan as well.

In Other News

The Pope’s dead. Sorry bout it.

Unpicking the Tudors; S1 EP2 'Simply Henry' Welcome back costume and history fiends. ‘Henry and his court look to sign the treaty with France, though tempers of both kings flare up at the summit.