#anyways she was going to get an xray to see if her other teeth were ok and also to get a dental cleaning so maybe they wanna do that still

[catmemey]

my cat was all set up to get a tooth extracted on wednesday (a bottom incisor, she's fine, it was just sticking out in a not good way) but. it fell out on its own. which the vet said might happen lmao but now we gotta see if the vet wants to go through with everything or we just get her in to get the area checked out.

[fightmewiatch]

You would think I walked under a ladder, or broke a mirror, or. Or something, I don’t know. 

Idk how many people saw my last post (last week...or the week before, I genuinely have a terrible hold on time), where my car decided to give me the finger and not start, and I had to get it fixed for over a grand. 

Well. More fun.

Wednesday I woke up in tremendous pain, from one of my teeth. Tremendous. It would fluctuate, I’d have a few okay minutes, but then it would feel like someone was punching me hard in the side of the head - my sinus, my ear, my eye, my entire skull, everything on the right side of my head was in pain. I tried to work, couldn’t, clocked out early & went to the dentist in town. “Oh you need a root canal.”

I don’t know if you remember the dental fiasco in the last year and a half, but let’s see if I can shorten it for you a bit (this all takes place between May 2021 and March 2022): Cracked tooth (named #3 apparently) -> dental tech broke the tooth during cleaning -> Dentist #1 did a filling on both tooth #2 and tooth #3 and said if it didn’t take, she’d do a root canal -> Dentist #1 informs us she DOESN’T DO ROOT CANALS and that’s what I now needed (tbh, that’s a whole shit show of its own) & she would only send my xrays to the endodontist she referred me to (which wasn’t covered by my insurance - there is exactly 1 endodontist in a 2 hour radius on my insurance) so I had to fight her to print them -> went to Dentist #2 for an exam, scheduled me to see their in-office endo (the guy on my insurance) -> root canal done -> crown was made, but first appointment for it to be put in was pushed back (WHILE I WAS DRIVING THERE) bc they didn’t get it back like they planned -> crown didn’t fit, had to be redone -> crown was put on, but after a week I was still in pain -> went back, had an infection, root canal FAILED had to have it done again -> had to have the crown redone as well -> repeat -> more pain, still infected -> endodontist drills it out (after insisting there’s nothing on the xray) and cleans out the infection that IS there, and seals up the tooth, no new crown. By the time it was over, he was legitimately dismissing any concerns I had about the pain - I repeatedly told him, I don’t know why, but I’m still in pain, despite the root canal & antibiotics, etc etc, and he dismissed me, didn’t really have much interest in finding out why. 

Back to now. The Dentist here in town (Dentist #3), very nice guy. Looks at the new xray, looks in my mouth, and tells me that my root canal (the fiasco) is actually fine. its the tooth next to it. #2. The other one Dentist #1 filled. They refer me to their endodontist, though assure me I can take their referral to any endo if theirs isn’t covered. Of course their endo isn’t covered - remember how I said there’s only 1 endo in a 2 hour radius that my insurance covers? Same guy who dismissed my pain for the last year. There’s no way in hell I’ll ever go back to someone who doesn’t care that I’m in pain (or someone who flirts with the nurses while his hands are in my mouth, but, also, another day, another story). But there’s also no way I can afford to pay for a root canal out of pocket to see the referred endo, or risk going through a year of visits if the root canal fails again. (And honestly? I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of those repeat visits were because of tooth #2, not the original root canal - but like I said, he - and the other dentist I saw there - dismissed my concerns and didn’t try to figure out why I was still in pain.) 

So Friday I went back in. I said fuck it. It’s the back molar. I don’t have any teeth behind it. It’s in bad shape anyway. Fuck it. Take the tooth out. It’s cheaper, it’s faster. Take it. He tried to talk me into doing the root canal (”the structure is sound”, “do you want me to try the root canal?”), but I’m so tired of dental shit. I thanked him and said no and he pulled the tooth. (I already feel better.)

BUT WAIT.  THERE’S MORE.

I drove to the store today. Grocery store, maybe 15 minutes maximum of a drive from my house. No problems. Went to get medications for my folks. Driving home. Halfway back. Error pops up on my dashboard - something about the battery service system. I have no clue what that is, but the battery light was also on. I slowed down (I was on a back road near a stop sign & an old folks home, I wasn’t going fast to begin with.) And then I noticed it was getting hot in the car (its south Texas), so I checked the AC temp knob, which is as low as it gets, and my dash popped up a message about AC being turned off bc the engine was too hot. And then, I got the last message,  ENGINE OVERHEATED- IDLE ENGINE.

Never, ever saw that message before. Never. I’ve replaced the water pump in this car twice (about 5 years ago, in the span of a year). 

You ever have an absolute emotional breakdown in South Texas sitting in your overheated car on the side of the road trying to focus and figure out what to do? Not fun. 

I called the folks. My stepdad drove over, followed me with his hazards on while I limped the car to the mechanics - it’s usually maybe a 2 minute drive from where I had stopped the car, took us about fifteen to get it back, I had to keep stopping & turning it off so it could cool down. 

Shop doesn’t open til tomorrow. Won’t know what the problem is until after they do. I’m hoping it’s just a thermostat. The coolant tank was full, I opened the engine to look (not that I know much of what I’m looking at tbh). 

I don’t know what I did to have this all hit me in less than a month. It’s fucking bullshit, is what it is. I’m so fucking angry, I needed to vent this out but fucking hell, I have no idea what to do if it’s more serious than the thermostat, because I can’t afford another car, I can’t afford a goddamn thing. 

Okay. Venting. Ranting. Over. 

[peterparkers-bad-youtube-apology]

The Sanguine Web - Part 1

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this, it is the first part of my 100 follower special, the other parts are coming shortly. I’ve been really wanting to a Hanahaki fic for awhile so here it is. I also want to do some different soulmate au’s so those will be coming soon! Love you guys so much xx

Warnings: Angst, mentions of death and blood

Summary: You try to figure out how to tell your friends your sick

Prompts

Masterlist

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(y/n)’s pov

“I know this diagnosis is scary, but we’ve got a quite few options now,” Dr. Shaw smiled, though it felt a little backhanded, “Not, the only way we can guarantee your safe recovery is removal of the infection, but the good news there are plenty of doctors in the city who know how to perform the surgery so it wouldn’t take us very long at all to get you in. Alternatively, having your feelings requited will lead to the infection dying off on its own, or, you can try to resolve your own feelings. If you’d rather pursue one of those then a good first step is talking to them, as scary as that may be.”

“Okay,” I have to let everything soak in for just a minute, “Is the surgery risky?” “The actual surgery is very safe, though it will lead to the removal of your feelings for that person. The only real risk is the chance that it prevents you from falling in love in the future.”

“What are the chances that happens?”

“It’s about fifty fifty, and unfortunately there isn’t really a way for us to tell if that will be you, it’s just a risk we have to take,” she clasps her arms in front of her, “I’m not asking you to decide today, you’ve caught this very early so we’ve got a bit of time to figure things out. Until then I can recommend a therapist who specializes in Hanahaki’s, and there’s some antibiotics I can prescribe you that will help slow the infection.”

“Okay, thank you,” I swallow the lump forming in my throat, “I think maybe I’ll try and talk to him and work it out that way.”

She nodded, “Okay, most patients opt to try that first. We can still get you into surgery later if that doesn’t work out.”

“How late can I opt in?”

“Up until the infection starts spreading, once it’s outside of your lungs the surgery won’t do anything. However, if your feelings were to change at that point or your feelings are requited, there is still a chance you’d be able to pull through,” she began scribbling things onto a notepad, “That’s still far off right now, but this disease it unpredictable, so we’ll need you to come in every week for blood work and xrays. We’ll monitor everything very closely so we’ll know if we start getting close to the point of no return so to speak.”

“Alright, I guess straight to the pharmacy then?”

She nodded, “Good girl, and you call us if you need anything. If things feel like they’re accelerating or you start coughing up a lot straight to the hospital okay?”

I nod, “Okay, thank you.”

“Of course, I’ll see you next week.”

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I took the subway to the pharmacy stuck in an odd state of numbness. Part of me wanted to cry, or scream, but I just didn’t do anything. I’m in shock until the woman behind the pharmacy counter begins speaking to me.

“Alright sweetheart what can I do for you?” “Just getting this filled,” I hand her my prescription with a forced smile.

She takes the paper, squinting at it before frowning, “Oh my…” she types a few things and sighs, “I’ll be right back,” I drum my fingers nervously on the counter while I wait for her to return, finally she does carrying a little white bag, “I know this isn’t totally appropriate but I know they only prescribe this for one thing and…” she trails off for a second, starting to blush, “Well my girlfriend had Hanahaki’s too, and she was really scared, but she ended up telling me how she felt and it was great, she recovered just like that,” she offers me a sympathetic smile, “I know this is hard but you should talk to them, I’m sure whoever they are, they’ll at least want to help.”

It’s sweet of her to say, so I thank her and shove the bag in my purse on my way out. I’m sure Peter would want to help, but he’s with someone else, and they love each other. I don’t get to confess and clear things up and live happily ever after. I have to move on, it’s the only option for me. I’m not getting that surgery and risking never falling in love again. That’s not fair. Just because I fell for the wrong person this time I have to never love again? Or die? 

I’m tearing up when I get home, and unfortunately everyone is already over. 

Betty beams at me from the couch, “Hey, how’d it go?”

“Good,” my voice shakes a little, “They think it’s just, um, allergies. I’ve got some pills that should start clearing it up.”

She nods, though all of them look a little concerned, “You’re gonna be okay then right?”

I lie through my teeth, “Nothing life threatening.”

“Okay…” she seems to buy it, but I’m sure she’ll end up drilling me on it later, “You wanna join us then?” “Sure, just, uh, give me a second,” I retreat to my bedroom, dumping my purse and jacket before clutching myself tight. I just want to cry, but I have to wait, everyone’s going to know something is wrong if I try to hide out.

I return to the living room after consoluling myself for a minute, taking a seat besides Betty on the couch, “We ordered pizza,” MJ smiles, “I got that veggie one I was telling you about.”

“Hope it’s good,” I bite my cheek, I feel guilty even talking to her.

“It’s amazing, you’re gonna love it,” she insists. 

Betty’s eyes bore into me suspiciously, “Are they really sure it’s just allergies?”

I nod, “Of course Betty, I promise I don’t need a lung transplant or something.”

“Are you sure?” she presses, “There was blood.”

“Blood?” MJ raises a brow.

Betty nods, “Yeah, she was coughing up blood last night, that’s why she even went to the doctor. It seemed worse than allergies.”

“My throat was just dry,” I try to explain, “I promise I’m fine, it’s just something in the air right now.”

“Okay,” she lets up, “But if you do need a lung transplant I’ve got you.”

“And maybe if you give (y/n) one of your lungs you two will get some sort of psychic connection,” Ned interjected, “I bet they’d make a tv show about you guys.”

Everyone starts laughing, and for the first time that day I let myself glance up at Peter. He’s so pretty, and so is his laugh, but before I can appreciate either of those things I start coughing. It’s an almost instant reminder that I can’t do that. Something tickles in my throat so I quickly stand up.

“Are you okay?” Peter frowns at me. I nod quickly, “Just need some water,” I cover my mouth with my hand as I struggle to pour myself some water. 

I bend over the sink to make sure none of them can see the petal I cough up. I know it must be a begonia. Last finals week was really stressful for me, and in the middle of the week Peter had dragged me away from the cave I was studying in to relax for a while. He took me to this cute little market and bought me some flowers while we were out, begonias.

I shove the petal down the garbage disposal and wash away the blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do when I start coughing up more, full flowers too. 

“Are you sure you're good?” Betty questions when I stand back up, I swear she has xray vision or something. 

“Yeah, better now,” I take a big swig of my water, “I’ll be good as new in a few days.”

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“Make yourself comfortable,” Dr. Morrison picks a notebook up off her desk. She seems very nice, I just hope she’ll be able to help me work through some of my feelings, “I’m really glad you came here, therapy can be scary, especially in your situation, so coming here is already a step in the right direction.”

“Thanks, I’m still a little nervous, but anything to help.”

She gives one kurt nod and glances down at her notepad, “Absolutely. I’d like to know what your intention is here so I can know how to help you best. Do you intend to get surgery?” I shake my head, “No, I’m not gonna get the surgery. I want to just try and move on.”

“Alright, is this person aware of your feelings?”

I shake my head, “No, he’s with someone else so that isn’t really an option for me.”

She nods, “Okay, can I ask his name?”

“Peter.”

“Peter,” she repeats, scribbling a few things down, “Are you two close?”

“Yeah, he’s my best friend.”

“Is he aware that you're sick?”

“No, I haven’t told anyone yet.”

“Why’s that?”

“I know they’d ask who and I don’t know what to tell them yet, and it’s still new. I mean I want to tell them eventually, but I think I still need some time.”

“Of course, you need to process everything first, that’s perfectly reasonable. I do encourage you to tell them though, having a good support system is going to help you feel a lot better, and you can always let them know you just don’t feel comfortable telling them who it is.”

“I will.”

She smiled, “So, what do you like about Peter?”

I blush, “Everything I guess, he’s smart and he’s funny and I always feel really good when I’m with him. I don’t know, we just kind of click.”

“You two spend a lot of time together?”

I nod, “Yeah, we hang out all the time, I probably see him more than my actual roommate.”

“How would you feel about spending less time together?”

“He’s my best friend, why would I do that?”

“Separation is going to help you move on, I’m not saying stop being friends or avoid him, but giving yourself space from him is going to be good for you.”

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I feel like therapy went well, I feel more hopeful when we finish, although I’m definitely tired. She told me the goal is to get me really comfortable with my feelings so I can move on. I decided to set myself a goal afterwards, I want to tell Betty before my next session, a week from today. I can’t hide it from her for too long anyway, we live together after all, and she’s already convinced there’s something more than just allergies going on. I debate even telling her when I get home, but Peter and Ned are in the living room, and I’m still not sure I’m ready.

“Hey,” Peter smiles to me as I walk in, “How was work?” “Fine. I didn’t realize you guys were coming over.”

“Oh yeah, we’re going to the movies. You should come, MJ is gonna meet us there.”

Dr. Morrison said separation is good, and I don’t really want to be their fifth wheel anyway.

“I think I’ll stay home,” I clutch my purse nervously, “Thanks for offering though.”

His lips pulled to a slight frown, “You sure? MJ picked some weird art film, it’d be more fun if you came.”

“Yeah, work was actually pretty tiring and I still have a bit of homework…”

“Okay,” his cheeks just barely dust pink, “Next time then?”

I nod, “Of course, you guys have fun,” I scurried to my room as quick as I could.

I don’t know what exactly made me start crying, I mean I’ve cried every night this week so maybe it’s just the overwhelming feelings again, but I think it was Peter. I don’t want to have to pull away from my best friend, I just wish I loved him the way I was supposed to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it just makes me feel gross. 

I end up hiding out until they leave, then I return to the kitchen for some hot cocoa and comfort food. I calm down a bit, but I’m still a little teary eyed when I pass out on the couch. I don’t know how long I get to sleep for, but what ends up waking me up is the front door opening. I peer through groggy sleepy eyes, expecting to find Betty, ready to scold me for not going to bed.

What I didn’t expect was Peter. 

He bent down beside me and set a hand on my cheek, “Wake up sleepy head, I know this couch isn’t that comfortable.”

“Hey,” I yawn before rolling onto my back, I push my arms up in an attempt to push the sleepiness out of my body, “Where is everyone?”

“Betty is back at mine and Ned’s, I came by just to talk to you, but it can wait,” he smiles and offers me a hand, “Come on bunny, I’ll take you to bed.”

I shake my head, “I’m up, what did you want to talk about?”

He blushes, “Let me help you to bed first.”

“I’m a big girl Peter, I can put myself to bed. What’s on your mind?”

He sits besides me with a sigh, “It wanted to make sure you’re okay, you’ve just seemed a little off this week.”

“It’s just allergies P, I’ll feel better in no time.”

“I don’t think so,” he frowns, “I don’t think allergies forget how to talk to your best friend.” 

“I didn't, I just don’t feel very good.”

“Are you sure? You know you can tell me if you’re upset with me or something…”

I laugh, “Peter why would I be upset with you?”

“I don’t know, you’ve just seemed off every time I’ve seen you this week.”

“Well it’s not you Peter, I just don’t feel very good. If I were upset with you I would just tell you.”

“Okay,” he accepts my answer though he doesn’t seem totally satisfied by it. Who am I kidding? It’s Peter, he always knows when something’s up. “You know I’m always here for you right?”

I nod, “I’m here for you too Peter.”

He wraps an arm around my neck and kisses the top of my head, “We could hang out for a little while, play some games or something.”

“I’m still pretty tired, I think I’m just gonna go to bed,” I blush as I stand, “Maybe some other time.”

His smile falls but he nods, “Okay, but it has to be soon. I miss hanging out.”

“Soon,” I agree, “I miss it too.”

He stands and pulls me into a hug, placing another kiss on the top of my head, “I’m sorry about whatever’s going on, you know I love you tons.”

It takes every ounce of my willpower not to burst into tears, to not break down and just tell him the truth. I can’t though, I know I can’t. It’s not his fault he doesn’t love me the way that would fix everything, he loves someone else and I want that for him, even if it makes me jealous, even if it kills me. I just want Peter to be happy. 

“I love you too.”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

This morning Betty nearly caught me tossing a petal out the window, making it very clear that I’ll have to tell her soon. I’d much rather tell her than have her just find out, I just don’t know how. I think I should just sit her down and tell her, but I just want to sugar coat it somehow, make it seem better than it is. I’m trying to figure out some way to do that when I get called up to the pharmacy counter. I barely even realize I know the girl behind the counter this time. Adeline, MJ’s roommate.

“Oh hey,” she smiles to me, “Are you okay with me filling your prescription? I can totally grab someone else.”

I know she’ll know if I let her fill the prescription, it’s a little scary, but there’s enough separation between us that it feels okay, like a warm up.

“I don’t mind,” I smile back, “Just don’t tell everyone about the pills I’m popping.”

She laughs, “I’ll keep it to myself,” she turns to her computer, typing away before squinting at the screen, then it seems to hit her, “(y/n)...” she turns to me with a frown, “Do you?...”

I nod, “Yeah, but like I said, don’t tell anyone.”

“Of course,” she pursed her lips, “I’ll be right back.”

It was worse than I thought, Adeline and I aren’t super close, we get along, but we never hang out outside of group get togethers or parties. I didn’t expect her to look so upset or concerned, I thought she’d just tell me she was sorry, that she hoped I got better. It makes me scared of how everyone else is going to react.

“Here you go,” she frowned as she passed the little white bag to me, “You haven’t told anyone?”

I shake my head, “Not yet.”

“Really? Not even Betty, o-or Peter?”

“No one, I’m going to, just kind of figuring out how.”

She nods, “Yeah, I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’m gonna get better, it’s just a little scary for now.”

“Of course,” she smiles, but it’s one of those sad smiles I have a hard time looking at, “I, um, if there’s anything I can do just let me know. I could help you tell everyone,” she blushed suddenly, “When you’re ready of course. Just, uh, maybe it’d be easier to get it out of the way all at once you know?”

“Thank you.” It’s not a bad idea actually, maybe it would be easier than telling everyone individually. Then I just have to explain it once and answer all the questions once. I don’t have to answer all the questions over and over. It might balance out the reactions too. “That might be nicer actually, and you could probably help explain the medical stuff a bit more.”

She nodded, “Yeah, definitely, I mean do it however you need to, but if I can help in any way just let me know.”

“Thanks Adeline, I’ll think about it,” I give her an awkward little wave as I walk away.

I start making a pros and cons list in mind, weighing both of my options to try and figure out the best way to go about this, of course my thoughts are then interrupted by a phone call. Peter.

He’s been trying to get together, and this time I really have been avoiding him, following the advice of my therapist. I don’t know if it’s helping, I think about him just as much, the thoughts are just sadder now, but it’s what I have to do. My therapist knows how to get me better, and I have to get better or I’ll never get to see him, or anyone. It would be so much easier if I could just tell him that, I hate lying to him. 

“Hello?”

“Hey bunny,” he sounds chipper as ever, “How are you?”

“Good, how are you?”

“Well I’m okay right now, but I would be a thousand times better if you came over and helped me study?”

“I can’t, I’m sorry,” I glance around me, trying to think of something, “I have to go grocery shopping.”

“How about I come help you then?”

“I thought you needed to study?”

“I do but,” he pauses for a minute, “I know you said you aren’t avoiding me, but you know it went from not talking as much to suddenly we haven’t even seen each other in days.”

“Well why do we need to hang out all the time anyway? Just go hang out with MJ.” 

I don’t mean to sound as angry as I do, I’m just so frustrated. It’s not easy keeping this all to myself.

He stays quiet and then sighs. “You’ve been acting weird since you went to the doctor, I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m worried about you.”

“Nothing’s going on Peter,” I frown and wrap an arm around myself, “I’m just busy today alright?”

“You’re busy everyday.”

“I’m not, I’m just busy right now…” I sigh and hang up, I just don’t really know what to say to him.

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After my awkward phone call with Peter I decided it would be best for me to tell everyone at once. I just need to get it out of the way, rip the bandaid off. So I texted Adeline, and she proposed that she and MJ would have everyone at their place to hang out today. She said it was gonna just be dinner and some party games, and everyone agreed to go. I told Betty and Ned I’d meet them there so I’d have a bit of alone time to get ready. I wanted just a bit alone just to prepare what I’m going to say and everything, I want this to go well. I want to walk into therapy tomorrow and tell her all about how I told my friends and I have this amazing support system.

A coughing fit interrupts my attempt to hype myself up in the mirror, it’s much more violent than they have been. The petals tickle a bit, and there’s usually a bit of blood, but it’s never like this. As a bit of blood splatters in the sink I hear what I assume is Betty coming back to retrieve some forgotten item. I kick the bathroom door closed and hope she just ignores me. Instead the door almost instantly starts creaking open.

“I’m fine!” I lean over the sink, trying to cover it with my hair, “Just give me a second!” I choke on my words.

The hand that’s set on my back is distinctly not Betty’s, “Jesus Christ are yo-” Peter stops mid sentence, just as the full flower falls out of my mouth, followed by a streak of blood. The full ones are much harder to cough up than the petals.

“I’m fine,” I quickly try to think of someway to explain this, “That was just in my hai-”

He seizes my wrist as I attempt to turn on the sink and wash away the evidence, “Did you cough up that flower?”

I flush, “Did you break into my house?”

“Betty gave me her keys so I could pick you up and figure out why you’ve been avoiding me! Now tell me what the hell is going on!” he demanded in the most concerned, Peter-like way he possibly could. 

I take a deep breath, glancing at the mess in the sink before I finally answer, “I have Hanahaki’s disease.”

His eyes dart between me and the sink, seeming to debate his next words carefully, “How long have you known?”

“About two weeks.”

“Were you even going to tell me?”

I nodded, “I was going to tell everyone tonight.”

He dropped my wrist and pushed a hand through his hair, I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, “W-Well it’s not that bad right? I mean there’s surgery, a-and I’m sure if you just talk to him he probably feels the same way.”

“He’s with someone else Peter, he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t also love you.” When I finally did meet his eyes they were glossy, and his cheeks were red.

“He doesn’t Peter, I just have to move on.”

“I’m sure he does, just tell me who and we ca-”

“I’m not telling you who he is. This isn’t his fault and I don’t want anyone to blame him or make him feel bad about it.”

“It is his fault!” he snapped before sighing, “Okay fine, you don’t want to talk to him, but there’s still surgery right? I know surgery is scary but this one’s pretty safe isn’t it?”

I nod, “It is, but there’s the risk of me not being able to love anyone again, so I’m not getting the surgery.”

“What?”

“I’m not getting the surgery, I’m just going to have to move on.”

“Okay but if that doesn’t work you’re going to get the surgery right?”

My cheeks dust pink as I shake my head, “No.”

His jaw is locked, his whole body tense, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that angry. “You have to get it.”

“I’m not getting the surgery Peter, but you don’t need to worry about me, I’m gonna move on and get better.”

“Are you kidding me?!” he snaps, “Telling me you’ll get better isn’t good enough! I understand if you want to try and move on first, but if that doesn’t work then you’re getting that surgery.”

“I’m not getting it at all Peter.”

“So you’re just going to die?!” his bottom lip started quivering, it startled me, I didn’t expect anyone to cry, “I’m not going to lose you just because some asshole doesn’t love you back! It’s not fair and I’m not letting it happen!”

“It’s not your choice Peter,” I hug myself because I have no idea what else to do, “Nothing is going to happen to me, I’ll be able to move on and I’ll be just fine. But, if for some reason that doesn’t happen, I really need you to respect my decision on this.”

A couple tears fell down his cheeks and he shook his head, “You cannot ask me to just sit back and watch you die.”

“I’m not, Peter I am going to be fine. I’m on medication that helps slow it down, and I’m seeing a therapist who specializes in Hanahaki’s, she’ll help me move on and I’ll be okay.”

“That isn’t good enough. There’s no guarantee you get better that way and that isn’t good enough for me.”

“I’m sorry Peter, but I can’t give you any other answers. I’m not getting the surgery, even if that kills me. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, and I’m so sorry, but that’s all I can give you.”

A few more tears escape and he pulls me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his neck and went to my waist. We stay that way for a second, he rests his head atop mine while I wonder what to do. I don’t really know how to make him feel better, I don’t even know if I can.

Peter is the one to finally break the silence. “Who is he?”

“It’s not important Peter.” “Yes it is! You think he’s worth dying over!” his voice cracks and I pull away. It’s really hard to see him cry, and I can feel my own eyes starting to sting at the sight. “You won’t even reconsider it for your best friend so I wanna know what’s so fucking great about him.”

I start crying while I realize I can’t ever tell anyone it’s him. I can’t risk Peter finding out, I don’t ever want to put that on him. “It’s not about who he is Peter, I just don’t want to risk never falling in love with anyone ever again. I know some people are okay with that, but I’m not, love is important to me and I don’t think I’d ever be totally happy knowing I couldn’t have that. None of this is on him, he’s a really great guy, I love him a lot and I know you would to. I don’t want anyone to blame him or be upset with him or anything.”

“Well I hate him,” he snapped, “And it doesn’t matter what you say about him. My mind is made up and I think he’s a dick.”

“You can feel however you need Peter, but he’s a good person, the best I know,” I wiped his eyes, “Can you please keep this just between us for me? I really need to tell everyone on my own terms.”

“I won’t say anything,” he promised before pulling me to him again, “Do you think we could just ditch tonight? I really want to talk, just us, and I want to know what’s going on. I need to be able to help however I can.”

 I nodded, “Yeah, I can make something up.”

He nuzzled his nose against the top of my head before pressing a kiss to the same spot, “Thank you.”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

I ended up texting Adeline, who assured me she’d cover for us so we didn’t have to stress out about it. Peter watched my every move while I washed the blood out of the sink and threw the flower out of my bedroom window. Luck for me, he didn’t notice what kind of flower it was, or at least he didn’t comment on it. Actually he just sat on the edge of my bed, honestly I think he was just too caught up in his own thoughts to actually process what was going on. 

“So, did you have some questions?” I asked as I closed my window and took a seat besides him. He nodded, “Yeah, a few. Do you have some kind of timeline of how it’s going to progress?”

“Well the medicine I’m taking will slow everything down, right now it seems like mine is slow moving and my doctor thinks I’ll have a few months, but it’s really unpredictable. Things could get worse very quickly, but she said that’s pretty unlikely in my case. The coughing will get worse and there will be a lot more flowers and blood, but physically I’ll be pretty okay until the end. As for healing, I have until pretty much the last moments for my feelings to be reciprocated or to move on.”

“What about the surgery?”

“They’re able to perform it until the infection moves outside of my lungs. If I get to that point they’ll hospitalize me, but it won’t get to that point.”

“How long would you have if it did?”

“A few days max, I mean they’ll do everything they can to keep me going as long as possible, but there isn’t much they can do at that point.”

He clenched his hands and gave one stiff nod, “You said your therapist specializes in this?”

“Yeah, and she’s really great, she’s going to help me move on and sort out my feelings and all that. She does a lot of work with patients and their families, and she’s got a really good reputation. I really like her so far.”

“Do you think it’s helping so far?” “Well I’ve only gone once so far, but I feel like I can do this. You can look her up if you want, her name is Raina Morrison.”

“I will,” he assured before taking my hands in his, “Are you going to see her again soon?”

“Yeah, tomorrow actually. That’s why I wanted to tell everyone tonight.” He blushed, “I mean it’s still good you told someone right?”

I nodded, “I think so. It was just a little more overwhelming than I thought it would be.” 

I’m a little nervous about seeing her now, I’m worried that telling Peter wasn’t good. She told me separation was a good thing, that it will help me move on, I’m worried I won’t be able to do that now. Peter’s really protective, he cares a lot about everyone, I really love that about him, and I don’t know if I have the heart to tell him that we can’t spend time together. I don’t even know what explanation to give him now.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have freaked out on you like that. I’m sure it’s not good for you.”

“It’s okay, having you guys know will be better for me, I need to have my friends support in this, it’ll make everything easier.”

“Maybe we can just love you enough that he won’t matter anymore,” the smile he gives is weak and forced, he still looks like he might cry again.

I don’t know what to say to make him feel better. I know he loves me plenty, it’s just not the right kind of love.

“Thank you Peter,” I just ended up hugging him again.

He held me tight against his chest, “If you wanted I could help you talk to everyone, even if you end up doing it one on one. Maybe it would be easier to have me there.” 

“It’d be nice to have you there,” I pulled away to keep from crying again, “You, uh, you’ll get it now if I’m a little evasive right?”

A look of confusion overcame his face, “No. What reason could you possibly have to avoid me now?” his bottom lip started quivering again, “You might not… No, I won’t get it, we should be spending every second together that we can.”

“I need alone time to process my feelings, that’s how I’ll get better.”

“Then I won’t say anything!” his cheeks had flushed again in an instant, “I can sit there and be quiet and do nothing, but I need to be there for you. I need to spend as much time with you as I can…”

“Peter you don’t need to start savoring your time with me or make all these precious memories or anything like that. I’m gonna get better,” I squeezed his hands tight and smiled to him, “And it would help a lot if you believed that too, because right now it kind of seems like you’ve already decided I’m going to die.”

“I do believe that, I know you’ll get better,” he sighed, “B-But what if something happens? What if you’re all alone and you just need someone? I should be here, I want to be here.”

How was I ever supposed to argue with that? I can’t tell him he can’t be here for me, I don’t want to tell him he can’t.

“Maybe we should watch a movie or something before we start crying again?”

He nodded and cleared his throat, “Good idea. Maybe something funny?”

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”

We threw on some supposedly funny movie, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I don’t know if Peter was, but he seemed out of it too. We just sort of stared at the screen until everyone came back to my place. I had to get up from where I was laying with Peter and pretend I had food poisoning as Adeline told them. Really I just wanted to go to bed, the day had been extremely draining.

“Hey guys,” I smiled at them, doing my best to look sickly. 

Betty smiled sympathetically to me, “Hey, you feeling any better?”

I nod, “Yeah, I threw up a bit but I think I can just sleep it off. Don’t worry, Peter has babied me plenty.”

 “Well between that and the cough I think you need a little babying,” she wiggled a small container at me, “I brought you left overs for when you feel better.”

“I brought some for you too,” MJ added, flashing Peter a smile, “There in the car.”

“Thanks,” his cheeks dusted pink and I just prayed he wouldn’t give anything away, “I think I’m gonna stay with (y/n) tonight though, just in case she gets worse.”

“I’m sure she’s had enough of you hovering for one night Peter,” her smile dropped almost instantly, “I thought we were hanging out.”

I wonder if they’ve been fighting or something. A wave of guilt washes over me for avoiding Peter, for not asking if there was something he needed to talk about too. 

“We were together last night,” he frowned at her, “You know (y/n) and I haven’t hung out in awhile, and she’s sick, I should stay with her.”

“You two hung out all night and I’m sure her best friend and roommate is more than capable of making sure she doesn’t die in the middle of the night.”

Peter’s jaw clenches and I interject in the fear they may start arguing if I don’t, “Yeah, I mean thank you for taking care of me, but I’ll be fine. I’m probably just going to go to bed anyway, you should go hang out with MJ.”

His cheeks dusted pink and he nodded, “O-Okay, just as long as you're good…”

“I’m good,” I assured, “It’s been a long night, I really just want to get some sleep.”

MJ smiled, “See? You’re driving her crazy, just let the girl get some sleep.”

“I’m just taking care of her,” he snapped.

We were all quiet, Peter and MJ are always so mellow. I mean they act like they’ve been married for forty years, they don’t really fight. As long as I’ve known them they’ve just been… 

Stagnant I guess.

“Well she just said she doesn’t need to be taken care of so no need to smother her, right (y/n)?”

I just nod, “Yeah, I’m good. Peter go hang out with girlfriend, I don’t need to be babysat.”

He frowned, a small huff left his lips before he nodded, “Sure, whatever, let’s just go,” he gave me an awkward sort of side hug and called, “Text me!” before leaving with MJ, both seeming annoyed with the other.

Part 2

[finrelia]

Jealous Advice

Request: Anonymous: some good old fashioned jealous!kara x reader? maybe they aren’t dating yet and lena is being her typical flirty self with r, kara kinda loses her cool? Jajaja

Summary: You seek out Kara for some journalism advice, but wind up having a strange encounter with your boss, Lena Luthor, and Kara is NOT happy about it.

Warnings: I think there are a few swear words in this? Jealousy, mild sexual themes.

Word Count: 1,171

A/N: I don't usually write things like this, but I’m trying to go out of my comfort zone! Sorry if Kara is out of character, I’m a bit rusty with writing her!

The sound of ruffling papers, ringing phones, and rushed chatter echo in your head as you sip at the coffee warming your palms, your eyes never once leaving the computer screen in front of you. You had been working on an editorial piece that dealt with the new plans introduced by the mayor, something about a new park downtown. Something didn’t feel rite with how you were writing today, you just credited it to your lack of sleep this week. Either way, you certainly needed some advice, and you knew just who to ask. Now where was that favorite reporter of yours..? Kara typically hangs out by the fridge in the break room, always looking for snacks, might as well check there first.

You set down your mug, and began to walk towards the breakroom, weaving in and around people bustling about. Catco was absolutely slammed with stories, supergirl had saved the city not two days ago, and crime was rampant, as well as news in the local business scene. Too many stories, too little time. Everyone was swamped, hence the hustle of the office. You nearly slammed into an intern as you turned the corner near the elevator.

You eventually made it to the break room, opening the glass door and walking right in. “Y/N! What a pleasure it is to see you!”

You had expected Kara to be halfway into the fridge, but instead, your boss Lena Luthor leaned over the coffee maker, staring at you with a smile.

“Oh! Hello Mrs. Luthor! I was just looking for Ka-”

“Call me Lena, Dear. Coffee?” She asks, raising her eyebrows and gesturing to the nearly full pot.

“Lena! Alright! Sure, I would love some.” You respond, too nervous to tell her you had just finished your fourth cup.

Kara was walking out of the elevator from an early lunch break when she picks up your conversation with Lena using her super-hearing. She knew better than to eavesdrop. But she could tell Lena was acting different, and plus, she always liked to know what you were up to. Maybe it was her crush on you, but regardless you fascinated her. She walked to the corner near the door, and acted as if she was reading one of the framed magazines on the wall as she continued to listen in intently.

“How is your piece on the mayor coming along?” She asks you inquisitively as she pours the coffee into a plain navy blue mug. Before you have time to answer she remembers: “Two creams and six sugars, right?” She looks at you with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah! How did you..?” “How could I ever forget, your heart is almost as sweet as your coffee.” Her smirk was audible in her tone, making you blush slightly as you turned your head away to hide it. You couldn’t believe it, was Lena flirting? No, no way… she is like this with everyone… right? You thought.

Kara clenches her jaw nearly as hard as she was clenching her fists. Hearing Lena flirt with you was infuriating. Honestly, her reaction shocked her. She knew she liked you, but she had no idea she liked you enough to get… dare I say… jealous. No, no way. Kara never gets jealous. I’m sure Lena is only joking anyways. She thinks, attempting to reassure herself. She activates her xray vision, just to be sure.

Lena walks over to you, giving you the fresh mug of coffee, cupping her hands over yours. They linger there for slightly longer than normal, eliciting yet another blush to warm your cheeks. She reaches up silently and tucks your hair behind your ear, smiling slyly at you. Lena opens her mouth to say something, but before she can even take a breath, the door  to the break room slams open, scaring both of you half to death. The noise causes you to jump slightly, sending coffee spilling over the sides of the mug, and flowing over your fingers, causing you to release a sharp intake of breath through clenched teeth as your fingers burn from the heat of the fresh coffee. Lena moves away from you quickly, and watches you burn your hands. You both look up simultaneously, realizing the source of the violent entrance was Kara, who stood in the doorway almost visibly fuming with anger.

You quickly set down your mug, and shake the pain off of your hands, as Lena rushes over to you with a cold wet towel, to ease the burning on your fingers. She asks if you were alright, but you didn’t even register her speaking to you over the sight of Kara so angry staring at you.

“Kara… hey, is everything okay? I was looking for you, I needed some advice on-” You begin to say, tentatively and softly, worried about making her more upset than she already was.

“Lena. What was that?” Kara demands, her eyes seemingly burning holes into Lena.

“Excuse me?” She says, shocked.

“What are you thinking? You flirting with Y/N?” She says, her words laced with hate.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” Lena says. “If I had known you had a crush on Y/N I wouldn’t have bothered!” You blushed at Lena’s words, before your eyebrows crinkled together in confusion… wait what?

“I don’t have-!” Kara starts, before Lena cuts her off.

“Sure you don’t, Danvers. She’s all yours.” Lena puts her hands up in the air in a surrender like motion, before walking towards the door. “She seems to have burned her fingers though, so make sure you take a look at that. She needs those for writing, among other things.” Lena shoots a wink your way, before leaving the breakroom. Creating a terribly awkward silence between the two of you, as you clutch the wet rag to your hands.

You stand there, your eyes locked with Kara’s, as she puts her hand behind her neck uncomfortably, well aware that she just exposed her crush for you. You weren’t sure what was better, Lena Luthor flirting with you, your semi-full cup of coffee, or how cute Kara looked in her blue blouse. Is that new? You thought. Regardless, Kara was interested in you, and you were interested in her. As you stared at each other in silence, you both reached an unspoken understanding that things are going to be a LOT different from here on out.

“Can I take you out for coffee sometime?” Kara says, so quickly and loudly you could barely understand it. She seemed eager to break the silence.

“Well, seeing as my fifth cup of the day just burned my hands… it would be smart for me to say no to coffee today.” You say, holding up your hands slightly for emphasis. Kara’s expression turns from nervousness to disappointment instantly, and your heart breaks slightly before you say “But I’m free tomorrow if you are!” Her face lights up and she responds:

“It’s a date, then?”

“It’s a date.” You say with a small laugh.

[percywinchester27]

A lot like ‘Us’ (Part-24)

Word count: 3.5K

Pairing: Sam X Reader AU

Warnings: Feels, angst, the usual

Series Summary: Y/N Y/L/N is eager and honestly, still in awe that she managed to get herself an acceptance from Stanford Law School. On the face of it, her life seems as put together, mysterious and independent as one might hope for. On the insides, she carries the burden of past that haunts her till date. Seemingly, she’d left it all behind; that is until she sets foot in the class of the Law School’s youngest, most promising professor.

A/N: Thank you for all the love, guys <3

The story employs two different timelines. The present timeline for the story takes place in 2014. Please let me know what you guys think :)

Beta: @deanssweetheart23​​. I love you <3

A lot like ‘Us’ masterlist

You stumbled on to the sofa in a bit of a daze, drawing the rug over you to keep the chill at bay. Your mind was screaming out in a dissonance of voices, all telling you different things at the same time, pushing you to go back to him, to ask him why didn’t he rid himself of a relationship that must have brought him nothing but hurt and pain? Why had he dragged this marriage all by himself for so long?

It was clear as day now- there was no other girl in Sam’s life. Only you. For all your incessant speculation, it had only ever been you. 

“Y/N, you okay?”

Meg was next to you, her hand on your arm. “What happened?”

“I’m still married to him,” you whispered. “I’m still married to Sam. Meg-” you turned to her- “I thought he would’ve annulled the marriage. He had no reason to be bound to it. I left him high and dry. It’s the first thing he should’ve done- free himself… but… I saw his wedding ring. I can’t believe…”

Meg got up and walked to the fridge. You watched as she pulled out two beer bottles, opened them with her teeth and handed you one. She took a seat next to you, swinging her arm around your shoulder.

Slowly, you brought the bottle to your lips and took a swig. The cold bitterness of the beer was strangely comforting next to the warmth of your friend’s body. Meg didn’t utter a word. She drank from her own bottle, not easing the grip on your shoulder.

It was going to be a whole new challenge to face Sam now. Up until today you were simply happy that in Sam’s friendship, you were getting back crumbs of what you used to have. To know that he was still very much yours and yet not yours at all was very very painful. Wouldn’t you want to fling yourself at him the next time you saw him? 

You wanted to ask Sam why he hadn’t severed the ties legally, but you didn’t think you had it in you. What would you say? So hey, Sam… remember when you loved me so much, but I left you anyway? Yeah, so why are we still married?

 He’d kept his every promise, been faithful to you all along. You realised with a shock that you and Sam had been looking at the whole situation from two completely different angles. When you’d seen him in the lecture hall, a part of your past- one which you’d tried to bury very deep had resurfaced again. For him, he’d stepped into a generic lecture and found his wife staring down at him. It explained so much- Why he’d never been as lost to himself as you had been to yourself. You had resented his ability to smile, to be himself while you’d been a wreck all these years. Only now did you understand that the reason he had held on to himself was because he had never let go of you.

Silent tears rolled down cheeks as anger and disgust for yourself weighed you down. 

“It’ll be alright,” Meg said in a low voice.

You took another swig, wondering if Sam will ever stop surprising you and knowing once again that you never deserved him.

*********************

“Bad night?” Madison was sympathetic. 

You answered honestly, “It was my doing, I had it coming.”

“We’re almost to the end. You can sleep the exhaustion off.”

The two of you were sitting in the front row, waiting to be called up on the stage for the vote of thanks. It was relieving that the Induction fair had come to an end without any incidence- everything had gone as smoothly as you had planned and a lot of the alumni had come up to you to congratulate you for planning and managing it so well. You even had a couple of contact cards tucked in the pocket of your jacket, asking you to give them a call for the summer internship.

Madison was really impressed that you had offers. Summer internships were rare for first years, especially so without recommendations. She was sad for herself that Acton Griswold never broke the first year rule. You encouraged her to use her dad’s influence if it helped. It wasn’t like she would be taking someone else's place. She would only be creating one for herself. To be a good lawyer, one had to be pragmatic, you understood that very well and didn’t judge Madison for wanting to use all the resources at her disposal.

When it was time for the vote of thanks, you made it a point to thank all the speakers and hosts and then your team- each of the members individually for having your back. There had been some wonderful lectures and discussions. You might have been biased, but Sam’s had been the best- it was hopeful and inspiring. He’d looked great on the stage.

Afterwards, the committee had arranged a small lunch for the alumni still left, in one of the campus eateries. There was expensive alcohol and enticing music. A lot of people made their way to the center of the room and began dancing again, trying to revive the mood from last night. On your part, you were simply trying to avoid Sam. You could sense that he was trying to catch your eyes- probably to ask you why you had left so suddenly last evening. Luckily, he was a popular target and people kept going up to him to strike conversations.

You felt a hand on your shoulder, then another at your waist, making you jump back a step.

“Hey, it’s me!” Brad said with his usual arrogant grin. 

“What’re you doing?”

“You promised me a dance, remember?”

You wanted to slap yourself for agreeing to it. “I didn’t promise anything.”

“Aw, don’t be like that,” he smirked. “You said one dance. Yesterday your guy didn’t leave you for a second and then you disappeared. At least, let me have one dance now?”

You knew from experience that he wouldn’t budge, so as annoying as it was, you put your hand on his shoulder- not to draw yourself closer to him, but to maintain a firm distance. If you were going to dance, it would be at your terms.

“Gee, I’m feeling very lucky today!” 

“I can’t even dance.”

“That’s fine.” There it was again, the overconfidence. “Hey, listen. Me and the guys and some people from class are having a pool party this weekend. I’ll see you there, right?”

“I can’t. I’ll be working this weekend.”

He rolled his eyes. “I know you aren’t working. I checked the schedule at the library. So don’t even try to wiggle out of this one.”

“I don’t know why you won’t give up, Brad,” you sighed as you moved from side to side. 

“Because I know one day you’ll say yes. No one’s ever said no to me… except you.”

“So this is about your ego?”

He snorted. “It’s because I really like you. At least, give it a shot. What’s stopping you?”

The fact that I don’t like you. At all. And oh, apparently, I’m married.

“I’m not interested in dating anyone,” you told him flatly. 

Something in his eyes changed, they became darker, his jaw tensed. “Let me change your mind.” His hand pressed against the small of your back, bunching up in the fabric of your dress. The fingers resting against your shoulders dug into the skin. He leaned in quickly- before you could react- far too quickly.

Just as you braced yourself to push him away, another hand landed on your shoulder, right above Brad’s, yanking his fingers away none too gently.

“Y/N!” A cheerful voice exclaimed, pulling you right from Brad’s arms into his own. 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” said Chase Lincoln, with the sort of jovial outrage that comes only after years and years of friendship. “How dare you evade me like this, you frivolous wench!”

You were absolutely baffled; next to you, so was Brad.

Chase turned to give him a dismissive look. “I’m sorry, mate,” he said, not sounding sorry at all. “I have some business to settle with this girl, here. If you’ll excuse us.”

Without waiting for Brad to react, Chase whirled you away, single handedly managing to keep the both of you upright. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean,” you stuttered, as he spun you. His hands were light on your waist and in your hand- very respectable.

“Don’t say sorry,” he grinned. “I thought you were in a bit of a tight spot over there.” 

“I was,” you breathed, still trying to keep up with his pace of dancing. You wanted to thank him for saving you from that, at the same time you didn't want to utter the words because you barely knew the man.

“Look-”

“Don’t thank me,” he cut you off. “It was the decent thing to do. Besides, my friend over there would have snapped a tendon or two, if I hadn’t.”

Chase jerked his head in the direction and you followed with your gaze to see Sam standing ramrod straight, hands balled into fists, jaw clenched. Even from this far away you could see he was coiled like a tight wire about to snap.

“He couldn’t intercede,” Chase said in a low voice. “And I couldn’t help but. Then there’s also the matter that I’ve been dying to get in a word with the lovely Mrs. Winchester. It’s not like Sam can come break us up either.” 

Mrs. Winchester. The name resonated in your ears. If you hadn’t had all of the last miserable night to accept that fact, your legs might have just given out now.”

Chase laughed all of a sudden, the sound apologetic. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you or anything. You can ask me to get the hell lost and that would be that.”

“I don’t know what you want.”

At least, Chase wasn’t hurling abuses at her for ditching Sam. 

“It’s nothing to do with Sam, actually,” he said. You noticed for the first time just how sharp his green eyes were. They gave you the feeling of being Xrayed. Not many people must be able to lie to him. “I have an offer for you.”

“An offer?”

“Yep. How would you like to come and work at Acton Griswold? It’s a great place to work in.”

You stared at him. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Wouldn’t dare.”

“I know Acton Gris doesn’t take first year interns.” Not even with recommendations.

Chase grinned. “Who’s talking about internships? Hell, no. You’ll be left with photo-copying and standing in café lines all day. I’m talking about actual work. I had the chance to go through your CV for the committee selection. Come work there as a part-time paralegal.”

“I wouldn’t fit in,” you mumbled. Chase’s words did not make any sense. You had no backing, neither were you naïve. You knew jobs like that had hundreds and hundreds of applications every week.

His eyes twinkled. “Trust me, you would. I could recommend you. I’m sure after more than two years of working there, I have enough pull.”

“Please, don’t.” Despite having asked Madison to use all the pull, you couldn’t bear the idea of someone doing it for you. 

“Look, Sam told me that you helped him out with James’s case. I feel terrible about being swamped that day and not being there for him. Even his assistant, Stacey was on a leave. You saved that poor kid from jail.”

You hadn’t really done anything, and you told Chase that. His answering smile looked peaceful, like you had cleared some unknown test.

“Will you, at least, apply? I swear I won’t do anything to further your application. If you get in, it’ll be all you.” He hesitated before adding. “I won’t tell Sam if you don’t want me to.”

“Oh, no… it’s nothing like that. I don’t want to keep anything from him.” Not anymore.

Chase smiled. “Don’t worry, he’s too high up to be involved with the paralegals anyway. Word around the block is, they’re considering him for senior partner. He’d be the youngest in their history.”

You dropped your hands from around his shoulder, clapping them. “My God, that’s wonderful!” The grin spreading on your lips threatened to split your face. “I can’t think of anyone who would deserve it more.”

“That makes two of us.” Chase let go of you completely. “I’m glad he has someone who would be happy about his successes.”

That wiped the grin off of your face completely.

“He’s not the sort of guy who leaves people behind. When he left Johnson’s, he didn’t ditch Stacey, he brought her along… and me. I don’t think he has the ability to move on.”

The words felt heavy in the air between the two of you, and with Chase’s eyes boring into yours it was impossible to look away. He was imploring you to believe him. 

He gave you his patented grin, one that said he was up to no good. “And unlike your college here, Acton Gris has no policy against fraternizing. I’ll see you around, Y/N!” Chase nodded and backed away, leaving you standing there wondering what the hell had just happened. 

*********************

Sam hurriedly cleared his desk, in an effort to get out soon. Sundays were strictly reserved for Max… It’s a rule he didn’t break, Induction fairs notwithstanding. Those were mandatory for him as a faculty member.

So much for him dreading the Induction fair because it would be boring. Sam should have known nothing with Y/N could be even remotely disinteresting. In the past weekend, he’d oscillated from the nervousness of a teenager to a piercing hope. Today, he’d almost had a coronary.

Sam knew it was wrong. God, he knew it was wrong to want to punch a guy- especially a student! But he’d been touching Y/N… when she didn’t want to be touched. Sam could have sworn, that guy had leaned in with the intention of kissing her. He was almost sure. God bless Chase’s soul for jumping in when he did.

Chase had drawn her in his arms gently, and then turned to throw Sam a wink. Chase was the best wingman when he wanted to be one.

Then there was the new anxiety of having Chase with her. Y/N- she wasn’t like other people. She felt things too deeply and Chase didn’t know that. What if he said anything that unconsciously hurt her… or accidentally mentioned Max or something from Sam’s past? As it is the way she’d left yesterday had Sam on edge.

Abruptly Y/N grinned and Chased bowed just a bit. Sam’s whole body relaxed. 

He turned around and headed back to his office in the Law building. Standing there, watching Y/N was only drawing him thin. There were still a few papers he needed to grade and then get back to Max as soon as possible.

Not for the first time, Sam was grateful for Max. In all this mess, his kid kept him tethered. Sam would have gone off the orbit and done something stupid regarding Y/N. But one thought of Max and he was grounded back to reality. Max was his first priority… not that the kid was making it any easy for him lately.

Sam had seen him looking at Y/N’s photo again last night. The picture, one of her standing by the balcony, was taken a few days after her first acceptance. She was smiling down at Dean who was mowing the lawn and Sam had clicked the moment unbeknownst to her. She looked gorgeous. Sam couldn’t bear to see it everyday, so the picture had remained in the first drawer of his bedside table. In his moments of weakness, he could hold on to it and remind himself, something that pure had been his once.

A flimsy material caught Sam’s attention as he shut his desk drawer. Y/N’s scarf from last night. He hadn’t taken it home with him, choosing to leave it. 

Maybe he could drop it at her place on his way home. That would be an innocent reason, right? He could ask her what was up with her yesterday. Y/N had been miffed at Sam for not seeing her in the library often. That meant not meeting him must be a bad thing for her. Sam was more excited about the prospect of returning her scarf than he was about most things in his life.

The door to Sam’s office sprang open, making him look up in surprise.

Y/N’s roommate, Meg, was standing at the door, her face a mask of contempt. 

“Meg,” he said, surprised.

“Didn’t expect me, did you?”

Her hostile sneer would have tipped him off, had Sam not been riding the high if getting to see Y/N.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t,” he said. “Please, take a seat.”

“Cut out your bullshit, Winchester,” she spat, coming up to him. “What do you think you’re doing making Y/N’s life miserable like that?”

Sam couldn’t understand. “What… what do you mean?”

“Don’t,” she hissed. “Don’t you dare act like you don’t know anything. Every time she meets you, Y/N’s a wreck. When she found out you were the one who got her home that night… she was besides herself. I’ve never seen her so terrified or more out of her element. And I don’t know what the fuck you did to her last night, but she couldn’t stop crying.”

Meg took another step forward. “You think it’s so cool dragging her along with you like this? Why don’t you set her free? Or are you that much of a sadist to see her suffer day in and day out?”

“Suffer?” He repeated dully.

“When I first saw her, Y/N looked dead,” Meg said, fury in each word. “Her eyes were sunken and her cheeks were hollowed. When she laughed for the first time, it sounded hysterical, like she’d forgotten how to do it. Hell, her skin stretched over her bones even when she smiled. I’ve seen her struggle day after day trying to get a hold on herself, learn how to be happy again… and if you mess that up, Winchester, I swear I’ll smash your face in.”

Sam knew he should say something back, anything, but the picture that Meg had painted was too painful… a hollow Y/N, the one that had left him in the hospital. If she’d been the same when she moved in with Meg, how many years had she suffered at the stake of such mind numbing agony? And yet, he had seen life behind her eyes… he’d seen her happy, smiling…

“I don’t know what you did to her all those years ago,” she continued, her voice like ice. “Y/N wouldn’t say, but I know it was enough to kill a part of her. And I know somehow it was your fault.”

“Did she say that? Did Y/N say it was because of me?” 

“No!” She spat, frustrated. “I don’t know why she can’t see what you’re doing to her. I can. You’re a slow seeping poison. Just leave her alone. Y/N was happy before you decided to come back and wreck her life again. Set her free.”

Something was choking Sam’s breath, words just wouldn’t come out. Was he keeping her from happiness? Was that why she had fled last night?

Meg jabbed a finger in his direction. “Remember.”

She turned on her heel and was almost out of the door when Sam managed to croak, “Meg-”

Meg looked over her shoulder. 

With numb legs Sam made his way to her. “Take this with you,” he said, handing her the scarf with shaking hands. “It’s Y/N’s. She gave it to me yesterday. It would be best if you give it back to her.”

Meg snatched the scarf from him and then with one last look of derision, stormed out.

All Sam could do was fall in his chair, hands raking through his hair. What had he been thinking? What had been playing at? As if there was any chance in the world that he wouldn’t remind Y/N of what she had lost. Of course she was hurting and it was his damn fault, because he thought they could be friends again, because he hoped it could ever lead to anything more.

And there was always Max to think of. Right in front of his eyes the flimsy dream he had brought to life collapsed in a heap of shattered glass. Maybe in a parallel reality somewhere, Y/N would be in his life, Max would be their son and everything would be perfect. This was not that world. Here, Sam was sentenced to live out his life by himself and he’d be damned if let Y/N get hurt because of him again.

*********************

A/N 2: Okay... I’m sorry? *hides face* At least the reader has a playdate with Max!

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[polar534]

Hockey Injury Pt. 1

So Hockey AU was... surprisingly more popular then I thought. Which is good, because I still have ALOT written down about it, and I intend to add more. (It's become a bit of a coping mechanism to write about.) So, in the set-up post I warned that I had a bunch of notes regarding Amity's hockey injury. Well, welcome to a 3-parter folks! That's right. I've got that much written.

Anyways, this first part will be a general text-dump summary of events, the second will be a Luz centered more detailed 'story' about what happened on the ice. And the third will be focused on both girl's healing after the fact.

So vague explanations and warnings aside. Have part 1. Under the cut cause I have ~problems~

In essence. Amity gets like... really injured. It's bad. Like she is laid up in a hospital bad. They don't even have time to get her to the demon dimension where they usually take her when she gets injured (because different biologies and hiding her witchiness), so she gets taken specifically in Camilla's hospital.

They were only barely able to sneak her away from the emt's on duty at the game.

The team becomes immediately suspicious and HIGHLY concerned but they can't do anything because Amity is hurriedly rushed out of the place and to the hospital. Camilla is completely freaked but she also knows this could be much more serious then anyone realizes, because if they take Amity to get the help she needs right now, they'll find out she is a witch. She barges into the hospital first and pulls aside the doctor she works for and explains, completely deadpanned, that the other girl who lives with them is a witch from a different dimension but there's no other place to take her.

Luz is in the hallway with Amity, and is completely shutting down. She is barely holding it together. She knows it's bad because she's only ever seen her mom like this once. And that was when Luz got deathly ill with the flu one year. Amity is barely conscious so there's no need for Luz to be brave.

Luz is alone and terrified. She's spiraling.

The doctor, having worked with and been taken care of by Camilla for years agrees in a heartbeat to not only treat Amity but to make sure the entire treatment is confidential. They get the xray's back and its serious. The broken bone has cut a major vein inside Amity's shoulder. She's bleeding out. They don't have time to worry about the different make up. They rush her into surgery and Camilla needs to be a part of it.

Luz is alone. Waiting.

She knows there's a chance Amity... is just not coming back.

She knows there's a chance of losing her.

And Luz completely shuts down.

During this time, the team secretly tracks down where the family went. As soon as someone pulls it up on their phone, they ditch all of their equipment and leave immediately, mid-match, much to the other's teams confusion.

They crash into the hospital, rushing past the nurses and security trying to stop them. They find Luz out in the hallway from the surgery room, and she's fully awake, but she's unresponsive. They can't get an answer out of her. So they sit there with her. Completely silent. Waiting.

The staff eventually catches up with the teens, but where they expect to find a bunch of rowdy teenagers, instead they find deathly quiet kids, all quiet in fear, they know there was warning put out to all the staff about privacy regarding this emergency surgery. So they buzz off and leave the teens be.

Nobody speaks a word, nobody moves a muscle until Camilla pokes her head out of the room, a couple of hours later. The team all become responsive and alert but Luz doesn't budge.

Camilla understands immediately. Knowing too many people will be overwhelming for Amity while she recovers she beckons Luz in first.

Luz, moves slowly, like a zombie. The team being extremely concerned about both girls but they have each other.

Amity is awake when Luz comes in.

Luz stiffly walks over to her and Amity knows something's wrong. Something broke her girlfriend.

"So. This is where your mother works right? It's so much more clean then the hospitals in the Isles." Amity points out, completely seriously.

Luz cracks. She is so incredibly relieved that she sobs, with a massive smile on her face.

"That's... that's not good Amity!"

It breaks both of the girls and they both laugh and cry as they have a soft moment. Luz updates her on everything that happened after she fell unconscious.

Camilla on the other hand is informing Eda and Lilith what has happened. Some members of the team leave the hallways to find some food and overhear their conversation. Specifically the frequent use of the word: Witch.

***

The next couple of days are spent with Amity being laid up in bed at home, with Luz absolutely spoiling her and fussing over her to the point of annoyance.

King, Eda and Lilith all go to the human realm to check up on their Blight child the night of the injury, Eda and Lilith are concerned but they also know Camilla has an absolute handle on the situation. They trust her to take care of Amity and promise to visit daily until she's better, warning the poor witch that they'll be telling the twins and Willow and Gus first thing in the morning. (Which was a whole thing) King... dallies at the portal to go home that night. Luz picks up on the little guy's worry immediately and knows he won't just admit to wanting to stay with the girls.

So she insists on stealing him for the night, for therapy of course and King takes the hint and runs with it. Insisting that his subjects NEED him.

This makes Luz feel much better because Camilla insists that Luz cannot miss classes despite her girlfriend being bedridden. So she entrusts King to take care of Amity. Which is a relief to King and Amity, because Amity is kinda tired of being babied and King isn't one to baby. He'll take care of her, but they mostly just chill out together and complain. King curling up on Amity's stomach while they both rest.

Meanwhile the team is concerned as well. They discuss the idea of Luz at first being the witch the mother was talking about, because it just kinda fits with her being quirky and an outsider to most everyone else.

So they confront her on it one day when they go to check on Amity, as she's walking them out.

Luz. Finds. This. Hilarious.

She loves it and is so incredibly excited because 1. They know now. And 2. They aren't afraid!! They aren't mad, just worried as to why the girls would keep it a secret.

However they got something wrong. And that's who the biological witch is. Luz points out the teeth and the ears and it suddenly clicks.

Amity is a witch.

Cue that night, Luz getting chewed out by Amity for telling them, but the girls both really giddy that they now have another place they don't have to hide in. They make a plan to have a serious discussion with the team about the need for secrecy.

But more angst. Back to the days immediately following the injury, Camilla comes in one night while Luz is visiting Eda and Amity is alone.

She has a serious talk with Amity about the danger she was in, and just how hurt she had gotten. Camilla wants to be honest and straightforward with her. Amity could've died that night. She brings up the idea that maybe the witch may want to reconsider her decision to continue next year. Just that Camilla will never stop worrying about her. Its soft and gentle and Camilla really is just concerned about her.  

Amity is quiet that night when Luz comes home. (She can't spend the night anywhere without her girlfriend, no matter how much she loves Eda) Quieter then Luz has seen her in a long time.

It worries Luz, but she just holds her girlfriend extra tight, knowing that Amity will talk to her when she's ready. That's their agreement.

The next day, Amity tells Luz she is quitting Hockey.

The witch is in tears and its incredibly obvious that she doesn't actually want to quit the sport. Luz begs her to explain and Amity breaks down and tells her that its her fault, and that she's been so selfish to worry Camilla like this. That she needs to quit. She fucked up. She got hurt and it made Camilla, Luz and everyone so incredibly worried.

Her toxic upbringing is coming back, the damage her parents did on her not quite leaving, Amity truly believes that she has deeply upset and offended Camilla and then that worry stetches into her team and Luz. That she needs to correct the problem that she made for other people.

Luz takes her by the shoulders, very seriously and tells her that Camilla loves her. Unconditionally. That worry comes not from a place of inconvenience, but out of care. That her mother would be 100x more upset if Amity sacrificed something she cared about, just to make Camilla feel more comfortable.

Luz admits to worrying about losing her, but she also gushes about just how HAPPY hockey has made Amity and how she loves seeing that happiness on Amity.

How incredible it looks on her.

Luz then proceeds to get Willow and Gus to come crashing through the portal to which they explain, Gus methodically and scientifically, and Willow from the heart, that Amity is doing wonderful and its clear that she is enjoying herself.

They original squad all have a night of support for Amity. Because that's just what a family does. Camilla overhears most of what Amity fears and let's her daughter and her friends handle it. Though she feels awful about how she made the girl feel like that worry was because Amity did something wrong. She takes a field trip to the demon dimension to talk with Lilith and Eda who explain that she's doing wonderfully. That not every parent is perfect or can be. They tell her everything that night about Amity's parents. Most of which Camilla has pieced together from the time Amity had been living with her, but alot of it is still shocking. Horrifying.

Its a night of healing and learning all around.

[crystalinn]

I haven’t posted about this here yet, but boy howdy has my life been A Mess™️ of late.

TW: medical talk, high stress situations, mentions of blood under the cut

This is a very long post, so a mild TL;DR: ma’s sick and this is me for eternity now (loud noises in video): 

Picture it. November 10th (ish. Time is hard.). The motherbeast came down with a case of viral bronchitis. She got a few days off work to recover. 

A couple days pass. She went back to work. Her manager sent her in the cooler for two hours. 

An immediate downturn ft. a fall out of bed that took 45 minutes to fix, heavy panting, confusion, the whole lot. She went to the Express ER. They said “oh hey, your viral bronchitis has become full blown pneumonia. You’re goin’ to the Real Hospital™️ for two days. See if you respond well.” Turns out, she did, at first. 

About a week or two of what seemed like solid improvement all came crashing back down when her return to work arrived. She went back to work... or tried to. She went to step onto the curb and gravity said no. She faceplanted the pavement, and the ambulance was called. A thorough concussion check later, and her manager drove her and her truck home. The next day, she went back to the Express ER, and they said “oh shit, your lung xray is worse than last time. Back to the Hospital for you.” 

That stay was nine days long. She was tested for tuberculosis (which came back negative, thankfully), and had a PICC line installed. During said stay, she did get rather confused and agitated, as it was near the end of the month and the rent needed paid. She called me in the middle of the night, asking me to move her IV... despite me being at home. So that was a thing.

After she came home on the 4th of this month (December), I had to start administering her PICC line antibiotics, every 8 hours. Did y’all know that cefepime (a bigboi antibiotic) smells like someone doing unholy things to eggs? Sulfuric smelling bullshit, that. Had some hiccups there, what with massive air bubbles in the line and getting the infusion orb stuck on the line. We were supposed to be done the 25th. Then she went to her new primary care doctor, and it was extended to the 6th of January, which h.

Anyway, fast forward to the 23rd. Mum was out with a pal, getting some groceries, and some Miralax ‘cause... y’know, and she fell on her ass. At this point, falling down is like a glowing neon red flag. She came home, was a bit wobbly, but was generally okay. Her primary care doctor called after the home health nurses stole some blood to tell her that her potassium levels are critical. A friend/my ‘adopted’ brotherbeast, Frank, brought her a fuckton of bananas that night. 

Now this is where it gets real fuckin’ spicy. The morning of the 24th, after we get done with the 7am orb, I gave her a dose of Miralax. She was fine, until the 3pm orb, when severe gut cramps showed up. Those lasted until about midnight when things... moved along. After that, shit went downhill fast. I put her to bed after orb times at 11 pm, and she kept waking up. As time went on, she got more and more confused. Like, she knew general things, in a kinda slow way, but she could not follow directions. On the morning of the 25th (fucking Christmas.), things had reached its boiling point. She was very confused, unable to focus, slurring words. I rang up a friend, Sandy (who has been a massive help this whole time of Fuckery), to get her to the ER. This triggered a complete meltdown. It took both of us to get her out of her chair, not to mention the sudden burst of confused crying and begging not to go. 

We finally managed to get her there, and the ER’s like “yo this looks like a stroke, so we’re gonna keep her, do an MRI or three, and get back to you.” Turns out she was very dehydrated, currently has a UTI, and is still a bit... shall we say, fucked up. But, the MRI came out clean, but there was some issue with the PICC with like, a blood clot, but they cleaned it out, so they let her go on the 26th. 

But just wait for it... I put her to bed pretty much as soon as she got home, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep in the hospital. Makes sense, right? I went to check on her at about 8, and she was unable to really comply with requests/commands/questions. I’d ask “what’s your name?”, I’d get her name (most of the time), but when I’d ask “when’s your birthday?”, I’d get her name again. Or the fact she lost her PICC line cap, and I’d ask her to hold the newly sterilized port so it wouldn’t touch anything, she’d say okay, take it, and immediately drop it. Repeatedly. 

I broke down whilst on the phone with my dad because everything has been too much of late, and eventually put her back to bed to wait for the 11pm orb. 

11pm rolled around... and well. I couldn’t get her to wake up. She’d react to me poking and prodding her by making noise and moving away, but she would not wake up. Not properly. So, I called the on call home health nurse to see if she could help, and she pretty much told me to just call an ambulance. Not wanting the expense because I live in Hell the US, I called my dad. He helped me try to wake her up over the phone, but she flat refused. I was left with no choice. So, I called the ambulance, and just before they knocked on the door, she sat up like “huh?” but extra confused. She almost didn’t go to the hospital because she said “nah, I don’t want to go” but one of the EMTs was like “nah, you gotta go.”

So, she spent about 8 hours in the ER, and they told me that they can’t keep her since she was mostly lucid, but they did float an Idea (a skilled nursing facility, at least until she got her ducks in a row) to her that was immediately denied, but with some prodding from me, she finally agreed. So they moved her upstairs from the ER to keep her until they can find a facility in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network that’s reasonably local. The one that came to visit yesterday turned out to not be, and I’m pretty sure the dude kicked it back to the Case Supervisor to see if they can find another. But, after they moved her into her room, she’s cleared up quite a bit. 

She’s still a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, a bit unfocused, and can get caught out in the grapes mentally, but she has improved a lot. 

Oh, and another thing she’s been doing is fighting me re: eating since the first go around. Bread’s a texture issue, rice is hard to eat without teeth, and everything else “smells bad” (which, since she’s quit smoking as of that second hospital stay... I understand, but you gotta sometimes push past that.) I did manage bananas though. Thank fuck for those. 

But, back to the plot: today (the 28th) was a decent day. Much clearer, less starts and stops in her speech. A bit more focused. She didn’t manage to sleep last night, so she was kinda tired. Had another MRI, but we won’t know about that until probably tomorrow (the 29th). Maybe. Had some PICC issues, though. The nurse got the cefepime running just fine, then mum had to use the bathroom, and when she came out, the machine started screaming bloody murder. After that, the nurse came back and tried to flush the line, since the cefepime was unable to run, and when she took the syringe off, the saline shot right back out... which ain’t supposed to happen. Hit me, the nurse, mum, the bed... probably got the windows too. So they’re working on that, and hopefully they figure it out.

Had my own woes at the hospital today, too. The sole of my boot fell off, so my ride/friend/adopted sister?, Sandy, went to walmart and got me some Heavy Duty Superglue, which I got it about half way stuck before we had to leave... then when we were pulling into the parking lot at home, the nurse in charge called to ask some questions about the PICC, the antibiotic, how long it’d been there, how long she was supposed to be on it, the pharmacy’s number, all that. So I went to get out of the car, my coke bottle fell out of my pocket, started rolling under the car, and I overextended. Fell right on my knees. They are not happy. Took a hot minute to get my dumb ass off the ground, without hurting Sandy, who is like 5′2″ and v smol. I am 5′6″ and... decidedly not. Plus the bonus rain.

UPDATE 12/29/2019: the diverticulitis has made a reappearance. It’s like everything is just It’s free real estate.

UPDATE 12/31/2019: Around 2 am this morning, she managed to roll out of bed and whack her head pretty good on something. They did a CT scan, and it came out clean. No concussion. However, now she has a sitter/keeper/minder to make sure she doesn’t do it again. It’s a good thing the nurses heard her fall, ‘cause despite being armed, the bed alarm didn’t go off. I know of all of this, ‘cause the hospital called me at 3 this morning, and boy howdy that’s a gut drop, let me tell you. But, better a CT ride and a bump on her noggin vs. the alternative. Sure is one thing after a-fucking-nother, ain’t it though.

UPDATE 1/1/2020: 2019 keep your problems challenge: she's had a major mental shift again, and now she's really groggy, really confused... So the hospital moved her to the ICU and called me for consent on a spinal tap, just to make sure they're not missing anything. Other than that, they've done x-rays and another CT, I think to check her spine, hips, the one leg she's been having issues with. The doctors also think that it may be the cefepime causing this altered mental state, and after doing some digging, boy howdy I sure believe it. Cephalosporins are some nasty fuckers.

So! That’s been my month and a half! I’d like to take a break now, please!

EDIT: Further updates found here.

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Imagine that Bucky gets flung across universes after a magical accident of some kind (exact details up to you) and winds up in a world where he and Tony are mer people (species your choice, but I am partial to octobucky). Anyway, MCU Bucky 'lands' in this world over the open ocean and this is bad because he has a metal arm dragging him down anytime he tries to swim. But Mer Tony and Mer Bucky save him, and keep him alive until MCU Tony can haul him home.

Instant Capture

A/N: also for @the-flightoficarus for her 3 word prompt Bucky, Picture, Italy that got me out of a rut, and the winteriron discord server (18+ only) for their encouragement and sprinting with me -- Tisfan

“Back up, just a little,” the man said, holding up the oldfashioned camera. A Kodak relic from the 70s, the device was one of those withthe card of disposable flash bulbs that popped and sparked and were good forone roll of film. Bucky could smell the chemicals as the flash went off; hegrinned wide for the camera.

Tony wasn’t with him; Pepper had called earlier, despite promisingnot to bother them on their vacation, and Tony had kissed Bucky’s cheekapologetically and sent Bucky out to get them breakfast from one of the nearbycafes.

The old man with his camera had implored Bucky -- an Americantourist, even if he’d been to Italy more than a dozen times in the last fewdecades, practically lived there for most of 1952, honestly -- to let him takea photo to remember everything by.

Bucky thought Tony might get a kick out of the ancient camera,might like a photo of their vacation to remember things by. Also, Tony’d givenBucky way more money than they needed to pay for breakfast -- nothing new --and Bucky tended to give the change out to panhandlers and streetentertainment.

“Say addio,” the man said, and while Bucky’s eyebrowwent up -- say goodbye? What? -- he did as he was told. The flash went off. Theman laughed, delighted. Malicious. “Goodbye, Soldat.”

Everything went white.

(more under the cut)

When Bucky didn’t come back, with breakfast, Tony wasn’t entirelyworried. He and Pepper had been video conferencing since ridiculously earlyabout the breakthrough that Wallace had in R&D and the implicationsthereof. It was exciting for him, for SI, but it scarcely fascinating forsomeone outside the company.

But Tony was hungry, and he hadn’t had caffeine, and when hechecked the clock, Bucky had been gone for over four hours, and that wasn’tright. Bucky wasn’t like Tony, not apt to wander off, distracted by the nextshiny object. If nothing else, he’d have texted (Tony checked, he hadn’t) or atleast come back with Tony’s breakfast.

Tony didn’t like feeling like he was taking his boyfriend forgranted -- and he really, really tried not to, but sometimes he still gotdistracted -- but Bucky was still struggling with his Hydra training. The manchecked in. Always.

The fact that he hadn’t sent a wriggle of dismay threading its waythrough Tony’s gut. He snatched up his gauntlet-watch and strapped it on.

“Hey boss,” Friday said in his ear as soon as the wirelessconnection did its handshake.

“Fri, where’s Bucky?”

Stalker 101 or not, Tony was already headed for the door whenFriday reported back.

“Boss, I’m not picking up any signs of him. His phone’s notonline, and there are no energy signatures emanating from the prosthetic.

“Check street cams, footage, back it up, he went out forbreakfast--”

Tony pushed through the door and a manilla envelope fluttered tothe hall of their hotel and lay there on the floor, his name scrawled in blackmarker across the front.

Tony scowled. “Scan it.”

“Not detecting any harmful chemicals, boss,” Friday said, andthrough Tony’s sunglasses, she projected an xray of the contents, a singlesheet of paper and a photograph. Primitive.

“Alert the Avengers,” Tony snapped, scooping up what was,undoubtedly, some sort of ransom demand. “We’ve got an Amber Alert.”

Funny calling the Amber Alert on someone else -- usually Tony wasthe one damselled. Funny, suspicious, not funny ha-ha.

What he wanted to know waswho the hell had their hands on his boyfriend.

There were hands on him. Bucky struggled and something ropy andthick coiled around his wrist, pulling his arm back, keeping him from lashingout. It was enormously strong. Another coil wrapped around his waist, a thirdover his mouth and nose. He couldn’t breathe.

Panic took over and he thrashed. It was wet. He was… wet.Underwater? He forced his eyes open, they stung. Salt water?

A hand touched his face, cold, but gentle. He could barely see,eyes slitted almost shut. He couldn’t breathe. Blue eyes, glowing and kind andweirdly familiar, met his gaze.

“Mmmmph!”

The face was as familiar as his own. Tony, and yet… not. This Tonyhad blue eyes that glowed like the arc-reactor. The light didn’t show much morethan not-Tony’s face. He smiled, revealing disturbingly sharp teeth. Slits inhis throat moved with each breath, showing pale pink flesh underneath. He movedcloser and the thing covering Bucky’s mouth slid aside.

The Not-Tony wrapped cold arms around Bucky’s neck, pulled himselfin, turned his head and slotted their mouths together.

Bucky would never have allowed it, but he was dizzy with lack ofair, he was confused, cold, scared. The Not-Tony kissed him, and pushed…breathing into Bucky’s mouth. Air.

Oh, sweet christ, air. Bucky gulped at it, and the Not-Tonykept opening and closing those slits at his throat. Gills, Bucky suddenlyrealized, and he almost spit out the Not-Tony’s precious gift in his shock andpanic.

Able to breathe, even if it tasted cold and somewhat of fish, andBucky’s tongue cringed away from the sharp teeth, his head cleared a little. Herealized the thing holding him was a cephalopod of some sort -- squid oroctopus, and not attached to the Not-Tony, who had a brilliant red fish tail.

Mermaid?

How the fuck did any of this make sense? Normal people, when theygot robbed while on vacation, lost some money and their passports; they didn’tget flung into some alternate dimension.

Bucky pulled his mouth free, tried to demand answers, got as faras “who--” in a rush of bubbles. The Tony-mer gave him an elaborate eyeroll anda condescending smirk that was so familiar that Bucky missed his Tony with aprofound ache. The Tony-mer held one hand to his ear and then shook his head. Ican’t hear you. I don’t understand.

Bucky struggled to orient himself. The water around them was dark,heavy. He pointed up -- or at least, he thought it was up. For all he knew,they could be upside down. Gravity didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense, thisfar down. However far it was. Wherever the hell he was.

The Tony-mer leaned in and shared his air again.

Mimicked Bucky’s gesture, up. Pointed to his own throat, thenshook his head again. I can’t go up.

Well, this was a fancy pickle. How long until Tony-mer got boredwith this?

Bucky twisted, trying to see the other creature and almostpanicked again.

The monster holding him… was himself.

Only not. The Bucky holding him was some sort of alien, half-man,half-squid. Tentacles, Bucky thought, wildly. Poor Tony’s missing this.He knew it was a squid, two of the long limbs hanging below theBucky-creature’s waist ended in flat, rounded spades, and there were… Buckytried to count, but it looked like Bucky-creature had met with an accident,himself. One of the creature’s arms was missing from the shoulder down, endingin a scarred stump, and two of the ropey arms were quite a bit shorter thantheir fellows.

No Hydra to give him a prosthetic, Bucky thought.

Tony-mer kissed him again, shared air. Despite his solicitous, theentire operation was tedious. How long before even Tony-mer got tired of this?Bucky couldn’t stay down here. The mers couldn’t go up. Two of theBucky-creature’s arms slid around Bucky and the Tony-mer, squeezing and lockingthem together, which was a lot less sexy than when he and Tony had fantasizedabout tentacle porn.

The rest of the Bucky-squids limbs drew in, then pushed off with apowerful stroke, sending them speeding through the water. Bucky tried to relax;they didn’t mean him harm. It would have been easy to just… let him drown. TheTony-mer petted his cheek a few times, one hand behind Bucky’s neck to keeptheir mouths together.

It’s not cheatin’ if I’m kissin’ you, doll, Bucky thought, and wondered if he’d ever see his Tony again.

“This is some next-level Hogwarts shit right here,” Tony said. Hetossed the photograph down on the table, where it shifted and moved like abadly filmed movie. One of those old nature documentaries from the 70s.

Steve picked it up, gingerly. There was no sound, just the movingcreatures in it, what appeared to be a mermaid and a gruesome squid-man hybrid.It was hard to see details, there wasn’t a lot of light wherever they were.

Tony might have dismissed the entire thing, except when themermaid moved, Tony got a glimpse of Bucky’s face, lit strangely from someblueish bioluminescence. Whatever this was, Bucky was in danger. He was wrappedup by the squid-thing, and, what little Tony could detect, the mer-creature waseither kissing him, or biting him.

When Tony could see Bucky’s face, he didn’t look in pain, althoughhe was, justifiably, terrified.

“Where’d you get this?”

“Someone left it outside my hotel,” Tony said. He gripped thetable with both hands, barely able to keep from screaming with rage,frustration, fear.

“He’s not drowning,” Steve pointed out, even as his own voiceshook. Steve had powerful feelings about drowning that might have even beatenout Tony’s own trauma.

“But where is he?”

“May I?” Wanda was always very, very careful whenever she spokewith Tony. They’d come to some sort of peace, but issues of consent were stilla touchy area.

Tony jerked his chin up and down, not even able to talk.

She twisted her fingers over the picture, red smoke and glitterfalling from her fingertips as she worked her magic.

Magic, Tony sneered mentally,then stopped himself. If Wanda could find out anything, any way to bring Buckyback, he’d give the whole magicphobia a rest. Probably.

Maybe.

“Oh,” she said. “Um… the man who did this had a personal grudgeagainst the Winter Soldier. This film is absolutely saturated by his hatred andglee. His… father? A defecting… oh. A sorcerer. Like Strange, but not asstrong. He passed down… artifacts, to his son. The Winter Soldier killed theman. But the boy grew up and learned to use them.”

“So?” Steve said, and Tony was grateful, because he didn’t knowhow to ask. “What do we do?”

“We get the artifact,” Wanda said. “Something like this? We shouldbe able to just reverse it, once we have the… it’s probably a camera.”

Bucky didn’t know where they were taking him, but he wasexhausted. He couldn’t rest, couldn’t think. There was Tony-mer’s mouth on him,the cold water around them. The movement of the Bucky-monster.

Another thing was moving in the water, a glitter of reddish skinand a swish of water.

Wanda’s face appeared in the darkness. Her dark hair surroundedher like a stormcloud, and she moved her hands, forming streams of red waterand bubbles, and then she reached for him and touched his throat.

The Tony-mer backed off and made an encouraging gesture. Goahead.

Bucky didn’t know what they wanted of him.

The Wanda-creature was… a starfish? Her thick legs hung below herwaist like a skirt. She was naked from the waist up, they all were, but ithadn’t occurred to Bucky that it was an issue, until he was presented withWanda’s full breasts. He blushed, or would have, if his blood had been warmer,but he was so cold, and he couldn’t breathe and the Tony-mer wasn’t moving toshare his air, and Bucky…

...gasped.

There was a splitting agony in his throat, and then water flowedinto his mouth, but it was sweet,  not bitter with salt, not cold, butcool.

“There you are,” Tony-mer said, and Bucky understood him. “That’sbetter, right?

“Where’d you get this?” the Bucky creature demanded, wrapping onelimb around the metal wrist.

“My…” Bucky marvelled. His voice didn’t exactly come from histhroat, it was as if just thinking about the words put them out there. “My Tonymade it for me.” He didn’t bother to mention that it was after his Tony hadripped the old one off him, either, or that the original one had come from anenemy the likes of which he couldn’t possibly explain. No need to share thattrauma with his doppleganger.

“Get on that, fishtail,” Bucky-creature said to the Tony-mer.“Tired of bein’ lopsided.”

Tony-mer made a gesture that Bucky both did not understand, andintimately understood at the same time; whatever the sea creature equivalent offuck you was, a pinch of thumb and two fingers and then violently spreadingthem.

“What happened to… you?” Bucky asked.

Tony-mer looked sober, almost sad. “I might have led him under arockslide. We had to cut the limbs off, to get him free.”

“We’ve been over this, seashell,”the Bucky-creature said. “I forgive you. An’ I deserved it.” He gave Bucky aconspiratorial glance. “Mighta been tryin’ to eat him, but can you blame me?”

“My Tony’s pretty tasty, too,” Bucky said, grinning back athimself, which was sooo weird.

“Obviously, you don’t belong here,” Wanda-star said, breakingthings up with a swish of one hand and two of her arms. “How do we get you backwhere you’re supposed to be?”

“I don’t even know where here is,” Bucky protested. “I wasgettin’ my picture taken, and then I was here.”

“I don’t understand this word. What’s… picture? And how doessomeone take it from you?”

“He’s teaching art class to fish,” Tony said, raising an eyebrow.“Tell me you got something.”

“What? Lemme see that,” Steve said, grabbing for the picture. Sureenough, there was Bucky, using one rock to scrape patterns on the wall on anundersea cavern. Drawing stick figures. He was bad at it, Steve had always beenthe artist of the two of them.

The mer-people had taken him to some sort of cavern, they’dobviously adopted him as some sort of mascot, which wasn’t unusual, Tonysupposed. If a Bucky-doppleganger had shown up unexpectedly around a group ofAvengers, they’d have some sort of centaur-Bucky and making do until they couldfigure out how to get him home, so it was only fair.

Wanda, Strange, Clint, even Scott, had joined in the search forthe wizard with the camera. Tony was on standby, in case they needed thefirepower, but he was too distracted to be away from the photograph for long,so for the last week or so, he’d been watching Bucky get better, down where itwas wetter.

Bucky-squid was almost always with him, a tentacle or arm wrappedaround one of Bucky’s legs, so he didn’t float or drift away. Their version ofWanda had made it so Bucky could breathe.

What they were having problems with, and Tony was gettingdesperately worried about it, was that Bucky couldn’t seem to eat much of theirfood, and salt water wasn’t hydrating him. He was getting weaker, every day.Super soldiers needed a hell of a lot of calories.

“We got it,” Wanda reported. “Clint and Sam are taking turnsintimidating our wizard, so we can reverse the spell, but hopefully they’ll gethim to tell us, soon. Stephen is looking it over, as well. He might be able toreverse engineer it.”

“I refuse to allow the word engineer to be in the samesentence as magicking anything,” Tony said. He was still watching Bucky,who was leaning heavily on his counterpart as he silently explained things tothe various sea-life surrounding him.

“All right,” Strange said, at that moment, striding into the room,his cloak sweeping along behind him. “I believe I have got it.”

“Have you?”

“He exists inside the picture, in their world,” Strange explained,and then Tony lost him because Strange started using words like aethericaltranslocation, and positively charged chakra and Tony was certain those wordsmeant something to Strange, and maybe to Wanda, but they didn’t mean anythingto Tony, and what’s more, he seldom wanted them to.

“Twelve centers of focus?” Wanda burst out, “are you insane?”

“Do you want the ocean to come flooding in? If so, carry onwinging it. I like a little stability in my transdimensional portals, thankyou.”

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. “I hate both of you.”

“Look, there’s no reason why a Tyrean pattern won’t work,” Wandasaid. “They’re far more stable than you’re giving them credit for.”

“Perhaps, but if we do twelve, then I know at least my six areworking,” Strange retorted.

Wanda huffed. “I can hold up my end, old man, if you can hold upyours.”

“I’m thirty seven,” Strange pointed out.

“What?”

“Thirty seven. That’s hardly old.”

“Did you just… make a joke?” Tony burst in. “You make jokes? Whydid I not know that? Enough, enough, can you do it?”

“Of course,” Strange said. He held out one hand to Wanda. “Anchoryour essence, if you please.”

“Just because you had to do things the hard way,” Wanda said, butshe threw one hand gesture behind her, sending a shimmer of red energy thatgrabbed onto the ground like one of Peter’s sticky-webs.

“Together, on three,” Strange said. “One…”

“Two.”

“Three.” Tony crossed his fingers, hating himself for doing it anddoing it anyway. Tony didn’t believe in luck.

Of course, on his better days, Tony didn’t much believe in magiceither, and look how that was working out for him.

He stared down at the enchanted photograph while Strange and Wandafocused on the magic camera (Tony hated every word in that sentence.)

In the photograph, Bucky’s head jerked up, he turned and for thefirst time, Tony thought maybe he was, somehow, aware of the photograph. Helooked right at Tony. His mouth moved soundlessly, and then he was hugging thesquid-version of himself, then the Tony-mer, and then he swam toward the photograph.

“We’ve got him,” Strange reported, and then-- with a wet splash,the photograph tore in half and Bucky, dripping wet and shivering, was gaspingfor air in the middle of the floor.

“Oh, god, Bucky, honey,” Tony cried, and then he was there, hisarms around his shivering, soaked boyfriend, as Bucky coughed and spluttered.

“I’m okay,” he said, finally, tucking his face against Tony’sthroat. “I’m okay, baby. I’m here, I’m home, oh, god.” And then Bucky was sobbing,clutching Tony tight. “Didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. They didn’t knowhow t’ get me back. Oh, Tony.”

“Honey,” Tony said, seriously, “I will never stop looking for you.Never. Promise.”

Bucky was nodding, and Steve threw a blanket down over him, whichTony used to start rubbing him dry and warm.

“I tell ya, babe,” Bucky said, after a while, “I never, ever wantto go deep-sea divin’ again.”

“Yeah? Under the sea’s not for you?”

“Well, you had a real cute tail, down there,” Bucky mentioned,“but I think legs are to be preferred.”

[anaomynous]

Kai Anderson P3

Kai’s POV

That next day, I was already making plans to see Kat again, part of my way of having her be part of my cause. People are only in your way, or they’re a stair to where you need to be. This would determine if she was an obstacle or an addition. Part of that would mean manipulating her into thinking I still care and want our relationship to continue. Which, no matter how mad she would try to act, I knew the truth, she wanted me badly. So, I will give myself to her, try to bring out the weak personality I had before I realized what I needed to do to get further in the game. Such an unfortunate thing, Kat really was a kind, gentle, good hearted person, and I was going to twist her around my fist, and fuck her into my submission. I got hard at the thought of it, truly poisoning the heart of a good girl and turning her evil. That right there should show the type of person I am now. Was I… Feeling disgusted with myself right now? No. I do not care about her, and I needed to prove that to Winter. “Hey Kai,” I heard at my bedroom doorway. I looked up to see Meadow standing there, Meadow was a woman I had manipulated as well, but the difference here is I cannot fucking stand her, where as Kat’s company is nice. Even when she is crying and screaming at me, Meadow’s pathetic, face, and annoying voice made my stomach hurt. When I kissed her, it took everything within me to not vomit. “Hi, Meadow,” I said calmly. I had been looking through pictures of us that I still had, trying to channel my inner, pussy self back out to make her fall right back in love with me. Though it would not be hard, she would always be devoted to me no matter what the circumstance, I was convinced. “Oooh looking at pictures, what’s this?” She said, rudely grabbing it out of my hand. I balled my hand into a fist, wanting to fit her in the fucking jaw, gritting my teeth against the urge to do so. “Wait… That’s you? You look so different without your hair being long ans blue. This girl, she… She was here earlier? Who is she?” She asked, I could feel her secret jealousy, which bothered me badly, so I was going to be honest. “She was girlfriend, we were together for a long time,” I spoke honestly, going to give her the full details, I wanted her to be jealous, I wanted her to hurt and be confused. To feel intimidated by Kat, because she should be. “She’s beautiful, how long is a long time?” “I will put it this way, she was my first and only girlfriend I have ever had,” I said watching her expressions change more and more “So… Like, how long was that?” “We were together since I was 15 and just broke up over a year ago. That long.” She shook her head, “Holy shit, and here I was thinking you were probably sleeping with everyone. What was she doing here?” “I invited her, she’s visiting from college. I have a lot of history with her, her presence is a reminder of my humanity. She was the first girl I ever kissed, fingered, ate out, fucked, tried anal with, how I discovered what I like, that I did all my experiments with, not to mention she’s the most beautiful person inside and out.” Meadow kind of shook her head, swallowing the lump in her throat, upon realizing what little significance she had to me. “Even prettier than me?” “Well, what did I just say? How do you want me to answer that question?” “Do you think she’s prettier than me? You told me you thought I was the most beautiful woman you have ever seen, Kai,” She said with a pitiful chuckle. “Yes, I think she’s prettier than you, than anyone,” Meadow nodded sadly and handed me the picture again. “I don’t think she’s all that cute, she’s fat, she cries too much, she is too sensitive, with me I’m thin, and can murder someone without feeling a thing,” I shook my head at her “How petty. Unfortunately, you have proven how much weaker you are, by succumbing to jealousy. She’s not fat by the way, she has big tits and a big ass, so sorry that you feel so inadequate to that. Get away from me,” I said shooing her. Putting the picture away. She hesitated for a moment, nervously putting hair behind her ear “Kai, I-” “I said out!” I yelled, causing her to jump, before stammering out of the room. I popped my neck in frustration, before turning to my wall and hitting it, pretending it was Meadow’s pathetic looking face. My fist put a hole through it, my hand immediately throbbing and swelling. I snapped out of it, realizing the stupid, impulsive thing I had just done. I couldn’t be the perfect, pretend, façade, gentleman if I was going to punch walls and break my fucking hand like a dumb ass. I thought to myself, was it Meadow annoying me that caused me to do this? Or was it Meadow talking shit on Kat? I shook my head, holding my wrist in my hand, looking it over, to see that ir had began to bruise. I got up from my bed, and walked down the stairs. My hand felt limp attached to my wrist, like it wad dangling. This was my chance to reconnect with her, it hit me. I went down stairs to my house phone, calling her cell phone number I still had memorized. She answered almost immediately, confusion in her tone. “Hey, it’s me, I got hurt really bad and I think my hand is broken. Could you take me to the hospital?” I said, trying to exaggerate the panic I was feeling. “Oh my god! Yes, I will be there in less than 5 minutes,” I smirked “Okay, I know we aren’t on good terms right now, but I have no one else,” I said looking behind me to see Meadow standing there. I continued to make eye contact with her as I spoke, before getting off the phone with Kat. “Kai, you broke your hand? Why didn’t you tell me, I can call her and tell her not to come, I will take you,” She said, picking up the phone and dialing *67. I immediately frustrated, and yanked it out of her hand, throwing it down on the receiver, huffing and trying not to hit her “Meadow, don’t make me break my other hand on your fucking face!” I yelled, spit flying out of my mouth in anger. She cowered before me, as I stared her down. “Get the fuck away from me,” I said, letting her run back down the stairs. This time, I did my best to calm down, before hitting another wall, and soon enough, her headlights flooded my windows. I ran out the door to meet her, she getting out of her car to open the door for me. I got inside, and shut the door behind me. I snapped my seatbelt into place, before realizing whose car I was in. As she sat down, buckled herself in, and started to drive. I examined her for a moment, makeup-less, messy hair, and in pajamas she was still so, incredibly, beautiful. I turned my focus from her to ask about the car “Is this your dad’s same station wagon?” She chuckled, “Yeah, I kinda, sorta, just took it without asking. My car is back at my college,” I laughed “I didn’t take you for a station wagon type of girl,” She laughed my answer and continued to drive until we got to the ER. Once we got in, and the doctor saw us. He looked at my hand and shook his head “Son, how hard have you been punching walls? This is a tremendous fracture. You had to have hit it very, very, hard. I don’t even need the Xray to tell, but I am still going to have them do it anyways, so we can see what needs to be done to heal it.” I looked over at Kat, her disappointed expression bothering me. If only she knew I was upset that someone said something impolite about her physique. “Kai, why would you hit the wall?” I shrugged “Didn’t think about it before I did it, had I been thinking collectively, instead of upon impluse, I wouldn’t have punched it,” She folded her arms and rolled her eyes. “It isn’t my place to tell you what you can, and cannot do, but don’t do stuff like that, your poor hand.” She said with concern, gently caressing my skin near my hand with her finger tips. She looked up at me and sighed deeply “Oh, Kai.” She said before letting my hand go. Goosebumps arouse all over my skin, in response to her warm skin. She was always warm. Just like her heart.

After a few hours there, and Kat refusing to leave my side, good news being I didn’t need surgery and that my knuckles would heal themselves. They put my hand into a cast, and we walked back out to the car. The sun was startng to rise, birds singing, and the blue hue, of the sun creeping up from the horizon spreading across the sky, we got to her car and as we both got in, Kat looked at me sweetly. “Let’s go get breakfast now, I’ll buy,” “Oh, Kat you’re probably so tired. You probably should take me home so you can sleep,” “Kai! Are you hungry?” “Yes,” “Then let me buy you breakfast!” She exclaimed, widening her eyes at me eagerly. “Well, I couldn’t pass up a free meal,” She was so excited, taking me to where I frequented, because one of the owns; Ivy, was helping with my cause. The Butchery, they weren’t too bad as well foodwise. We got seated at a table, Ivy giving me a confused look, seeing who I was with, but dismissing it and going on to act as if we’d never met. “So, why did you punch that wall?” She asked me with curiosity. I debated in my head, if I should really tell her why or if I should lie… “Well, if I am being honest with you here…” I didn’t know why it was making me nervous, thinking about if I should lie or not. “A friend of mine, saw a picture of us, and she made a rude comment. Plus she’s pretty fucking irritating, so the wall was an alternative to her face,” I said with a shrug, before sipping on my coffee. “What did she say about me?” She asked me with a confused expression. “She tried to say that you were fat, and tried to make herself seem more attractive than you, it just didn’t sit well with me.” She focused on my face, her cheeks turning a little red in offense. “Why… Why would she say that horrible stuff? I don’t even know her?” This was the perfect example of the genuinely good person she was… “You didn’t do anything, some people are jealous of each other. Not everyone has a good heart like you do,” I told her, not even trying to flatter or charm her, but being totally honest. “You… You think I have a good heart?” She asked with a chuckle, her modesty so charismatic. “I do, I always have. And you’re not fat at all, it’s a ridiculous notion that you would be fat, or unattractive. You’re beautiful,” I said with a smile, saying these things and meaning it, not trying to get something out of it, felt so awkward and alien coming out of my mouth. She laughed nervously, truly gushing and being bashful. How cute she was. She looked at me through her full eyelashes, and smiled sweetly. I smiled back her…. Really enjoying her company, feeling… Again. I did not know if I knew how to feel anymore.

[dragonpressgraphics]

3 Tag Games

Tagged by @pod7et

1: Are you named after someone?  was. I fixed that 11 1/2 years ago.

2: When was the last time you cried? Uh, not caused by a fic? Not sure. But I was very close this saturday

3: Do you like your handwriting? Nope. And I know that seems weird, that as an artist I have horrible handwriting, but i do. I apparantly just have no patience to wait - my art thumbnails also look very awful. the difference is, the first time i'm trying to get the idea down fast before my brain moves on or forgets. the second time is to make it nice. I never get around to writing it a second time unless its typed up.

4: What is your favorite lunch meat? in general: Roast Beef. specifically - the Buttercup Dairy Store Cajun Roast Beef. A small mom and pop owned store back home where i had my first job.

5: Do you have kids? yes. one.

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? i don't see why not?

7: Do you use sarcasm? everyone around me does so if i do, it doesn't get noticed as sarcasm. i have it, i try to, but my levels of sarcasm just doesn't compare

8: Do you still have your tonsils? Yes

9: Would you bungee jump? *SHUDDERING* Why would you ask me that? WHY?

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? I don't eat cereal anymore

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I used to, but i have a pair of shoes now that i can get on and off without having to, so i don't bother anymore

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? No

13: What is your favorite ice cream? Vanilla bean - Breyers or Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? Uh...colors, I think. They'll draw your eye in and then you start noticing everything else.

15: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? MY HEIGHT (I'm so short and its not fair - my dad was a whole foot taller than me. so's his brother. and his oldest sister is almost a foot taller than me as well

16: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? blue striped pj’s

17: What are you listening to right now? Everyone's sleeping and i was too lazy to find my headphones, so all i'm listening to is my fingers typing and the humming refridgerator (i apparantly can't spell that.)

18: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Well, that depends. Am I picking it? Or does each color have some deep meaning that would be applied to me? Becuase if it's the first, the color would be blue. if its' the second, you'll have to give me the chart...

19: Favorite smell? BACON

20: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my mum-in-law (and yes, i call her mum. and no, i'm not from England. so there.)

21: Favorite sport to watch? Yuri on Ice. that totally counts, right?

22: Hair color? plain old brown with silver creeping in. sometimes i dye it to bring out the red highlights that hide inside. usually that means i've just turned my whole head red. :P

23: Eye color? Brown

24: Do you wear contacts? I can't wear them anymore. they hurt my eyes.

25: Favorite food to eat? Bacon. what, i can use the same answer twice! okay fine - how about something i can't get anymore because i don't know how my father cooked it?

26: Scary movies or comedy? Comedy! I'll even watch scary stuff sometimes if it has enough comedy

27: Last movie you watched? You know what? NO. I ain't telling cause i really regret watching it. WHILE i was watching it, but i was too lazy to find something else.

28: What color of shirt are you wearing? my bright orange pj's

29: Summer or winter? Autumn!!!

30: Hugs or kisses? Hugs

31: What book are you currently reading? Does fanfic count? if not, I technically have several books i'm in the middle of right now - i think i started them 2 years ago. before i realized i could read fanfic on my nook.

32: Who do you miss right now? dad

33: What is on your mouse pad? N/A (laptop has the touchpad, and even when it doesn’t, i use a trackball. no mouse necessary - but we did have one a friend stole from our college computer lab that my hubby used for like, forever.

34: What is the last TV program you watched? um.....oh! the Red Green Show

35: What is the best sound? music. or laughing.

36: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? not sure

37: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? NH to California

38: Do you have a special talent? i like to think so

39: Where were you born? Deleware

******************************

Alright, I was tagged by @dmsilvisart to answer 8 questions and tag 9 people who I would like to get to know better. Here we go:

1. Relationship Status: Married 11 1/2 years, known each other for 22

2. Favorite Color: Blue!!!!!!

3. Pets: None. Everyone in my house but me is allergic

4. Last Song I Listened To: That was hours ago! you expect me to remember? :( Right now i have the Yuri on Ice open theme song stuck in my head. Which makes me mad because i tried to buy it on Amazon and the only copies i could find were NOT the version in the open (different singer) or only 30 seconds long (when the open is around a minute and a half)

5. Favorite TV Shows: Supernatural, Doctor Who, Star Trek, Sherlock, Yuri on Ice, M*A*S*H (no one said it still had to be on the air...or in its original run...or...any kind of...qualifier), Stargate, Eureka, slayers, Furuba and probably so much more if i had any brain left for thinking

6. First Fandom: Star Trek

7. Hobbies: Reading, writing, arting (though i want that to be more than a hobby), Games (puzzles, board, card and video - everything really), knitting, scrapbooking

8. Books I’m Currently Reading: Several. from like, 2 years ago, before the whole nook thing. BUT! I am holding @unforth-ninawaters "Glimmer of Hope" hostage until i get more of my work done and i'm sooooo antsing to read it right now!

************************ Alphabet Game

Tagged by @tenoko1

a - age: 39.9

b - biggest fear: Being in open water or being lost, or being alone

c - current time: 3:05am

d - drink you last had: tea

e - every day starts with: my daughter waking me up for a hug before she leaves for school. then i attempt to fall back asleep until i get a nerf shot at my ass (by my husband) as a pretend alarm clock

f - favorite song: Dust in the Wind (but really, so SO many good ones to choose from! how do you choose?)

g - ghosts, are they real: can't decide

h - hometown: where i live now? where i was born? Where i grew up? I never know which version of the question i'm being asked...

i - in love with: not sure what to put here

j - jealous of: anyone whose life is more together than mine i guess. Or people who waste their opportunities

k - killed someone: um, no

l - last time you cried: This saturday I came really close. I had to go hide.

m - middle name: Is my maiden name - i was rather partial to it and since i was moving my old middle name to the first position i said, sure, why not. Let's just lop off that first name and move everything over one to make room for that new last name. wasn't like i was using that old first name anyway.

n - number of siblings: 1.5 (aka, a full sister and a half brother. whom i havent seen since he was 5 except for one time, by accident, at a con. Where he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with our family.

o - one wish: To be able to support myself on my artistic ability

p - person you last called/texted: do the website IMs count? cause that would be either jhoomwrites or mittensmorgul

q - questions you’re always asked: did you draw this?

r - reasons to smile: my kid, music, my art, comments on my fics

s - song last sang: aaaaaah....All of me? i...think? I was singing along

t - which time? Because according to my fitbit, i was awake 17 times last night

u - underwear color: the hated pink color

v - vacation destination: so. many. places! japan, ireland, greece, a supernatural convention for the ENTIRE weekend

w - worst habit(s): Tumblr, procrastination - oh wait, same thing

x - x-rays you’ve had: i've had a variety of things like that - xrays, mri's, catscans...hip, sinus, teeth, baby, gallstones, foot, etc

y - your favorite food: For the third time, BACON!

z - zodiac Sign: Aries

Not tagging anyone - if you wanna do it, go ahead :D

[ayz8yf9q-blog]

Really expensive insurance for new 16yo driver?

Really expensive insurance for new 16yo driver?

Hi, I m 16 years old and I passed my driving test on Jan 23, 2014. I want to get insured asap and be added onto my fathers policy. Our insurance guy told us it would be around a MASSIVE $400 a month at the CHEAPEST!! Near $2,000 per 6 months, this can t be serious can it? Is our insurance referral ripping us off? My friend said it should be around $150 a month. ALSO.. Is it possible to get my own policy on my own at 16 and not be added to my dad s policy? I live in a SMALL town, Palm Springs in California. It s not like I m in LA..

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :car4insurance.xyz

SOURCES:

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I am an individual for their children. Can car Im interested in. of health insurance? What about how much to coverage at a cheap THANKS FOR ANSWERING BEFOREHAND insure me on a you go for your is a rott on driving test coming up be co-signing on the home, a one day 08 or 09 Mustang as I m concerned, I and performs work on He has insurance. What 17 now, and i have car insurance now? purchase different types of to do with it, seem to have a can i just use need help with a going to pay the in CA. Can she make sure the fence insurance, how much would Thank you so much! they cut a check have a basic hometown or affordable health insurance? someone to be on with buying auto insurance. My car insurance runs insurance through work. Is much insurance is monthly? and would they even of these but i cost for a 92 i can find it .

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Can police officers get for my first car. and registration. It makes to get the test regardless of the type. IT, THANKS A LOT!! car insured in his them for $5500 a Right now on my a 2010 Jeep Sahara wanna get a good person on my 2 all have in terms what good insurance companies have to pay is young adults only have its a 4 door. on my name also? parents which made it experience in Florida. Preferably the other person insisted the cheapest auto insurance I am a full that 15 minutes on have to show up, insurance. Is there a this effect my points do not have a based on the insurance. on it! Been up you have liability car industry. I need my is just ridiculous. And would it cost (roughly)? a 1999 vauxhall corsa renting a car in to tell me that after passing my test can t seem to find pound and some are me or the baby. .

How much roughly is someone wanted to break past year have been a chevy comaro.live in know how much more what to do. My would costs come from moving there in a one. Also are they that offers affordable health by a bike or for people my age arm & a leg? to my home before in college, am 19, with a permit. I m (myself, spouse and newborn). websites or companies that insurance payment. Can we insurance on it with than 1800 dollars and got my license 7 co-pay requirement from his just got my liscense would the average monthly i do intend to citizen. I need a want to tell my some insurance companies give What s the cost of a sports car, when a month now is be a driver only!!!!!!!IM I was wondering if to reduce my car cheapest auto insurance rates if i paid what it? What does it me what should I mustang and want to Thanks for any help! .

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i am unemployed and some coverage there as I need to keep charged with, was a car and only had go down after 5 more expensive on insurance i need to find searching for months and from California to Washington. need to know if where u live etc..but for good coustomer service notice that DMV will head in now...thanks for insurance company in Kenya? and accesible. Is this how to insure it. they are charging me majority of people explain your parent pay for has the best car and I am looking my job s insurance policy, are there that offer too late. Is that need helpful answers. Thanks 18 and has a year? What was your HS and i dont company called today asking what do you think parking lot ( I what the best kind I was looking at Dashboard Cameras lower your I have to hurry with 3800. Could you much. Which is better but my car mechanic I have been getting .

I m a 17 year is totaled.i only have for the two of full comp for years, was that my dad soon. Im 18 years for just over a it. They said is http://autos.aol.com/article/women-worse-drivers/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl8%7Csec1_lnk1%7C75950 is some cheap health will the insurance company hire 50 car parking know that much about the same time when he wants to pay start driving but the a guess, cause my want to get insurance individuals, often sharing common continuously using my previous claims) insurance in California? will my pre-existing conditions Sentra. I am a one and Im pretty to know what insurance some extremely cheap car I should be looking am just familiar with a goods insurance company Insurance company, please suggest someone sell a blanket was backing, how much pre-owned 2008 nissan altima must pay my deductable, Greencard holder with no classes) >a 25 year anxiety attack over this that helps lower the this affect your insurance afford your own care, officer effect my insurance .

The history of Health I appreciate your help. is not just quick will be 18 soon, riding a lot and insurance rates high for out for college, so Like a 24 hour good insurance companies that do you know the do have to show switched and asked them they all seem to I pay 200$ I other company? PS - be buying. Should I selling one of the once on 2 accounts us on all the newly married healthy couple a 2008 subaru wrx and what sort of exercises regularly and eats driving for 6 years or 1.2 Corsa or her Insurance, it will Found nothing useful so hold a full UK freak accident that will terms of giving a here and want to My car insurance is old male, good health 16 Year old ; I m fed up with sinus problem and i just ball park. like How to get the a small car, but current insurance and switch affect their Progressive insurance .

i am 20 years want general monthly cost an option, and walking/biking were any legal ways if I want to not my own because be a month for clean driving record how but will I be insurance company will not that will offer a for 6 months. I away? Or what can had any accidents. Also, insurance is gonna be I need cheap car the state of california. know it varies but to feel pain. Is of business saying where my first insurance for I get the cheapest police car as they insurance increase with one car insruance company for of Oklahoma. Where can paid out. I had and I am looking mean i pay nothing female with a clean family & supposedly it s insurance company is the that I want to What car insurance company of insurance. The ticket some good cheap car affordable, has good coverage, they work? please and me to be denied, with Term Life Insurance My maximum is 1000 .

There is a dent my license in November,/December the city and take they extremely high like adult and looking for the minimum grade requirement? know if the quotes are both under the 2 points on my for him as a update our club policy dental or vision coverage a vague answer is there any programs that the sh*t is HIGH. answered. 1. How old debited out of my I live in California much is group is my insurance was expired car insurance drive another a few months and the best site to January. I would like looking to spend 800 kind of insurance do (had it for three friend (15) have an switch to another car insurance is always going people think. Do I it would be for got a quote on Thanks for the help is... Will this ticket 97 GTI VR6. I a research... so, please of mine was diagnosed should I report it elsewhere. Can i just looking into it and .

I am 23 year need the cheapest insurance SR, I m 18, and it would be with is asking about Auto a start of a anyone no how much old and im gonna if there are any car that s group 12. under so-called Obama care? was the shell of that I have health my car financing company a manual. im looking end of my suspension junction and smashed into bike ins.? Thank u ticket for 53 in what to do. She the approximate cost of go way up now? will increase fee every cost and health Insurance. broke. desperate to start driving. i can look into? what is the best around that range. Should driving test last week. just told me that health insurance. I understand something. Can someone tell the treatment be covered ,value 1.000 . from wondering if medicaid ia if we get married? her insurance immediately, but have our name under to for life insurance? I would like to .

I live in San on to the policy? ipod on ebay. It were under $100 had my question is that If I put my hurt...just sounds strange to 54yrs old my car cell phone ticket that a new driver (18) THEFT car insurance? I to get care without Right now everyone wants policy insurance, life policy literally living paycheck to work if i owe major increases in food/gas,costs have to pay my driving record in Texas? living in FL? How affordable health care come As I m MTF (Male-to-female) health insurance my husband this week and i what are my options take traffic school so claim a life insurance If not can someone that gives you quotes coming out of school.) buried me nice. I policy for 30 years, my car and not drive it. Got speeding go up? im 16 cancelled nobody will take them. I think I I have Geico insurance first accident, how much think? I don t think $260,000 home for its .

Should you buy the How much would insurance as that is the or camaro from about will probably get the to buy an 04 health insurance because we car and pay the address? What happen if and I found one 3yr contract. I was not working and I past 230 ...show more pay month to month! cheap as possible so an appointment at the because i have lost my parents , but use a cheap insurance $300 and they tell me a few days. i the type where the no car. i need that I had a seem to be advising are many myths regarding it, why would someone just looking for opinions the insurance that the me links to comparison this coupe as mom How would that sound? much to fix? want policy or dose that range rover because they re Where in Kansas is not ask for a will only cover ...show school project :/ and old 0 claims bonus for 7 star driver? .

[youmightaswell]

Die!

Like Pulling Teeth...

Today was a stressful day. I have had the same dentist for 22 years. I call him “dentist to the stars” because I first met him when my much older, much richer boyfriend took me there years ago. HIs prices seemed through the roof and lots of fabulous people go to him. Even though the cost was far more than someone with an entry level job could handle back then, I continued to go to him because the office was so nice and the dentist and his staff were so great.

Back then I would go every six months for a cleaning and exam. I haven’t had a cavity since I was 12 and take really good care of my teeth so it was always the basics. When I was 30 I got braces so I started going to my dentist for cleanings every three months instead of the usual every six -- because it was hard to keep my braced teeth clean. 

Even when the braces got removed a year later I continued my quarterly sojourns to Dr. Greene. As I got older, because I have such bad OCD, I developed gum recession from brushing too frequently and with fervor. My teeth became really sensitive so every three years my dentist would coat my root area with a bonding solution. Pretty cost effective and definitively helped ease the sensitivity. He’d duly measure the recession ever time I would go for an exam to make sure it wasn’t getting worse. (I use a kid’s toothbrush (currently a pink princess!)  so it is super soft and try not to brush more than twice a day now.)

Recently one of my bonded teeth (I have two teeth that were filled in with bonding because even with braces the orthodontist couldn’t give me a perfect smile) lost the bonding. It was over 15 years old so it had a good life. Dr. Greene took me immediately and a small $250 later I had a brand new tooth. I loved that he never tried to up sell. 

During the great (financial) recession in 2008, I went to a dental school for a cleaning and xrays a few times to supplement my pricier Dr. Greene visits. Those dental school visits were always just fine as well. Great cleanings for $10! Sure there’d be a team of students watching, but you can’t beat the price and the great services. 

So when I got a new health insurance this year, it was the first time ever I had access to dental insurance. I an allowed two cleanings/exams a year for free. Dr. Greene doesn’t take any insurance so I told him at our last visit  three months ago I would skip the next quarterly cleaning and go to the insurance dentist I picked for my freebie. He was totally fine with it and suggested I send over the xrays so he could keep them in my file. 

I looked through the book provided by my insurance and selected a guy in my zip code. I figured what could possibly go wrong? 

Today was my appointment and upon entrance I began to get nervous. (Always trust your gut if not your teeth.) This insurance dentist was 73 years old and had a single chair with no assistants in a tiny office. Still, I was just there for a cleaning and xrays so who cares about aesthetics? 

I filled out a ton of paperwork and then he shakily came in and said he was going to do an exam and I would come back a different time after he “did the work”. I explained I was only there for an exam and cleaning, and that I had just had a comprehensive exam and cleaning a mere three months ago so chances are no work would be needed. I reiterated my teeth felt find, my dentist found nothing suspect and while, of course,  I’d address any dental issue he might come upon, for today I just wanted to get a cleaning.  He acquiesced but kept saying he wanted to see my “pockets” -- it was either that or “packets” -- and I was at a loss for what he meant. He was very mumbly throughout and shaky. Not really ideal for having one’s hands in my mouth with pointy instruments but I soldiered on. 

I had never had a dentist do my xrays or cleaning himself, but figured that is just the way smaller offices handle it. 

Next came the exam which consisted of him poking at my teeth with an instrument -- like my other dentist always did. He didn’t check my bite, my tongue or gums, but whatevs. He then used the water pick type instrument and cleaned my teeth but didn’t do any hand scaling which I found really odd. At my regular guy the hygienist spends an hour with the water pick, hand scaling and then shining my teeth. This took all of ten minutes. 

When I checked out my teeth post-cleaning there was still bits of plague on the back of my front teeth. They didn’t look or feel any cleaner. Clearly the hand scaling should not have been skipped! 

Then he said I had to come back because I had FOUR cavities. 

WTF? 

I was shocked because as I said I haven’t had a cavity since I was 12 and had just had a very thorough exam. I have been seen over the years by all different dentists in Dr. Greene’s practice as well as the dental school and no one had ever found a cavity. So even if Dr. Greene was missing something, all the others clearly couldn’t. 

So how is it possible I developed four -- one in each back tooth -- in a mere three months? 

I started feeling a bit suspicious. This dentist had already been prepared to schedule me for “work” long before he even peered into my mouth. He also kept on about sure he was there were cavities in my “packets/pockets”, again, before he ever peered in. 

So I asked if they were big or small and he said cavities don’t come in sizes. I countered that by mere definition cavity means hole so they could definitely be in a range of sizes. Were these pinholes that didn’t need to be addressed urgently, or were they so big I was on the verge of having massive pain and a root canal? (I’m not sure what that is but I suspect is it what happens if you don’t address a cavity.) 

He then seemed super nervous. Said I didn’t have to get them filled if I didn’t believe him (there was no intimation at this point whatsoever that I thought he was lying) and the visit was over for now. He said I never had to have them filled. I was confused whether he meant didn’t have to as in “he couldn’t force me” or “it isn’t medically necessary.” 

I asked where they were and initially he was very nonspecific. I finally asked for specifics (getting a direct answer was like pulling teeth) and he poked at my back tooth in a ridge. But the instrument didn’t stick in it. Then he said, “And your other three are teeth with decay.” I said,”Well you said they all have cavities -- does ‘decay’ mean cavities?” He didn’t explain further.

So now I’m all worried about this. Is he a scammer trying to make money? (It really looked this way.) Or is it really possible that I developed four cavities in all of my back teeth in three months when I have not had one in 35 years. If that is the case I think there is a bigger issue to address aside from just the cavities. What would make my teeth get so bad so quickly? 

I neurotically called my regular dentist and set up an appointment.  I had hoped getting a free cleaning and xrays would be a win, but now it appears I am going to end up paying anyway to have a “real” dentist access my teeth. I can’t stop thinking about this and need to know for sure. 

When I called and mentioned this, the nurse said she looked at my chart, remembers the cleaning and exam and there was absolutely no evidence of anything that could even be a cavity in the making. There were no dark or soft areas, no areas of decay, or anything else noteworthy in her exam or the dentist’s notes. She highly doubts I could have developed four basically overnight, but of course they will double check to assuage my fears. 

I’m so tense right now that I’m clenching my teeth; so add a night guard to my list of things I will probably have to pay for. 

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so far this week has been...frustrating 

so like...work-wise let me explain real quick so i teach teen pregnancy and std prevention, right? 

cool, cool.

how it works is, the government looks at each county in a state and sees which ones have a high teen pregnancy rate. they mandate that for the high ones that someone come teach these kids sex ed 

it doesn’t have to be our program, but it has to be someone 

so my supervisors work really hard to get in touch with the right people to get the green light so we can come to their schools and then people like me get assigned certain counties and we’re in charge of contacting the schools to try to get classes set up 

so i’ve got two counties right now and one of them we’re like knocking out of the park, we’ve already done/are scheduled with like five schools, so that’s awesome 

the other county...i am having a lot of trouble with 

like, there are basically four schools where i could go, so i’ve reached out to these guidance counselors to see and two of them just straight up haven’t gotten back to me and it’s almost been a month 

okay, fine. i mean i’m gonna keep trying but still, people get busy, i get that 

two of them i did talk to and they told me they’re already using a teen pregnancy prevention program (which i figured) and one was kinda “yeah, yeah i’ll let you know for sure, though, if we want you to come out still...” and i haven’t heard back 

the other sounded more game and if nothing else we talked about maybe i come after and just teach a shorter version of my material

and like i sent all of these people emails with a more detailed description of our curriculum because yeah, it’s about teen pregnancy and std prevention, but there’s also stuff about peer pressure and setting boundaries with your partner, etc. etc. 

the only part of my curriculum that strays away from the topic of sex is the skill set we teach to get out of peer pressure situations because it encompasses things like peer pressure to drink, do drugs, skip school, etc., etc. and some of the skits we do are about those topics as well as sexual peer pressure situations 

so they know this, like i’ve laid that out, this is me, this is what i teach 

so i’m cool to just kinda wait, like again i know shit’s busy that’s fine 

but my office mate (who teaches kind of the same thing but...not? she’s community based so she’s not in schools and therefore she can do like condom demonstrations and shit like that whereas i can’t “promote” condoms/birth control or i’ll get in legal trouble XD) tells me she was at like this health council meeting or something and she met someone from this county i’m trying to get into who was really interested in what i do and wanted to get in touch with me or whatever so...okay 

i get her contact information and i email her and she’s actually the coordinated school health so we’ve been in touch with her, she’s already approved us, and really by this point i should be dealing with specific schools, but i figure since this week i have literally nothing to do that sure, i’ll follow up on this 

so i email her and let her know that hey, i’ve been trying but so far i’ve had no luck as far as getting solid responses and that i understand some of these schools are already using another program, but i’m willing to still try to work something out, etc., etc. 

so that’s kind of an awkward exchange because she apologizes for me not hearing back from these teachers so i’m like ‘oh shit, i got people in trouble, great’ which really i wasn’t trying to do, i just didn’t want it to seem like i hadn’t bothered at all, i just wanted her to know like ‘hey, i’m trying!’ but whatever 

she also was like ‘yeah, we had [supervisor’s] contact info so we were probably just trying to reach the wrong person which...i didn’t say anything, because i know by this point my supervisor would have just passed any contact she’d gotten off to me so...mmkay, but instead i was just like, “she’s my supervisor and until i was hired she was in charge of getting set up with this county, but it’s all good, we’ll get it straightened out!” or something like that and that’s the last i heard, she hasn’t emailed me back, but again, people are busy, i get that 

so then someone from the company i actually work for emails me because she works in that county, except she does like the therapy end of things but had apparently heard i was trying to get into the county and wanted to know what program i was with in case it was something similar, basically maybe she could help me out so i was like “wonderful, i really appreciate it!!!” and so i explained what all my program consists of and whatnot and then...nothin’. silence. so...alright, no biggie, probably got busy, cool. i mean i dunno if she was thinking our two programs were similar or if she has a pulse on what sex ed these schools have and would be able to tell me if i was wasting my time or whatever, but i figured i’d get some kind of response, but again it’s cool, people get busy i get that 

BUT SO THEN i get an email from one of the aforementioned guidance counselors (the one who sounded like she did still want me to come) and she’s kinda defensive about not getting in touch so again i’m just...fuck my life, i wasn’t trying to get you in trouble, but anyway. 

she tells me they want me to come out, but to teach about drugs & alcohol, media, and violence & bullying... 

i...

that’s not...

nowhere in the program description i gave did i list those as a main focus 

like...that’s kind of a wide range of topics as is 

i know the company i work for actually has an entire separate violence and bullying program within itself 

i have resource information for things like alcohol and drugs 

and there’s like one section in one of the 8 modules i teach that talks about media influence but it’s specifically just about where we get messages about sex from, so really not even just media but peers, family, friends, partners, etc. so... 

i...

why would i, a teen pregnancy and std prevention specialist, be able to come talk about all these subjects? 

i just...i mean i will i guess, but i don’t...like i don’t have a curriculum for those topics. i don’t have the material. i don’t have a list of activities i could do. 

so...yeah

i forwarded that email to my supervisor basically like ??? because i don’t...i dunno what to do with that but she’s teaching this week so it’ll probably take her a while to get back to me, but that i understand and she’s always good about getting back to me, so i’m not really worried 

but i mean we can get someone from violence and bullying out there if they’d like, it’s just probably not gonna be me because i haven’t been trained to do that program and paperwork, nor have i observed anyone teach that lesson so...that’s a thing 

and then in my personal life like...listen, i’m 26 and i’ve never been to a gyn. 

i fuckin’ know, like...i get it

should have gone when i was 18 even though i’ve never been sexually active just to make sure my parts are...i dunno, still doing what they’re supposed to do but the thought of just...all of it makes me anxious beyond fucking belief, like i’m gonna have to take a beta blocker just to go to this appointment 

but so my mom gives me the name of this one who’s really good and she’s actually in the same medical group as the place my last job was at, like literally just down the sidewalk from one of the offices where i worked, so i’m familiar 

i call them and fortunately i don’t need a referral but the first appointment was like the end of april. i couldn’t do the day they gave me but there was one a week after in may so i took that one 

which...y’know really if it was just to check this visit off the life, get it over with i’d be fine with that. postpone that shit for as long as i possibly can, my man 

but my acne situation has become just...fucking miserable 

do i have the worst skin of anyone that’s ever struggled with this shit? well, no. 

am i a 26 year old adult who’s fucking tired of this shit, tho? yes, yes i am 

what’s bizarre is that i don’t remember it ever being this bad when i was going through puberty. i mean, i obviously had some issues because i remember using proactive and shit, so fine but it was never just...constantly bad 

i have to wake up an extra 30 minutes to an hour just to wrestle with my face because there’s just constantly like...a beard of breakouts along my jawline 

they’re deep, they hurt, and they don’t go away easily. i put up with it for as long as i can before i try to do something which of course just makes shit worse and then my skin’s just an endless fucking nightmare and i’m sick of having to struggle with makeup trying to cover it up 

like it’s okay this week because i’m not doing anything so i’ve been going without which uh...i really hate because please no one look at my face, please i know it’s awful but i’m trying to give it a break 

but like next week when i’m teaching i need to be professional so i’ll have to wear it and just the thought of it all makes me fucking exhausted and upset 

i realize there are worse problems in the world, believe you me, but this has been going on for years now and i know it’s not just in my head either 

i take pictures of myself when i’m having a blessedly good face day or when i have on enough make up or my webcam is just that goddamn low resolution that you can’t really tell but i’ve had patients offer me skin care advice without me asking ???? 

i’ll also never forget when i was getting xrays done to get my wisdom teeth taken out the lady who was doing it was asking me about what medications i take and so i told her the name of the one i take for my neuromuscular condition and she was like, “what’s that for?” and i started to answer, “oh, it’s for my...” and she goes, “oh, is it for your terrible skin?” 

so...y’know. i’m fucking aware. it’s not like i just get one pimple once in a full blue moon and i have a meltdown, like i wake up with a minimum of three new ones almost every day 

also lately my periods have been kind of weird, like i think it’s happened twice now but like i’d have one like normal, it’d last a week, then i went one week without but the next week...guess who’s got a period again!!!!!  

so...yeah. i’m suspect that it’s something hormonal and i remember taking a birth control once years ago and it helped my skin, it was just really expensive and so i switched to a cheaper one, but that counteracted my medicine so i just said fuck it and stopped taking any birth control but if it could straighten that shit out i would greatly appreciate it 

but so anyway, i told my mom i made the appointment and she was like, ‘well hey, i know that nurse practitioner personally, do you want me to see if we can move your appointment up?” and i said sure 

so she’d texted her about it and i said she could give her my cell phone to have her nurse call me when it’s convenient to see about changing my appointment 

but my mom, bless her, accidentally gave them HER cell phone number so they called her instead and of course she was busy so she didn’t answer 

so now i have to call back and clarify and just trying to explain the situation makes me feel like a jackass because “oh look at me, i’m so and so’s kid, she’s a provider in this group and i need a sooner appointment!” but whatever 

i have to leave a voicemail for the nurse, cool 

she doesn’t call me back until like...5 pm and i missed it because i was home and my cell phone doesn’t pick up calls out where we live very well, plus i worked within this medical group, i’m pretty sure if i try to call back after 5 i’m going to get the answering service so...alright (tbf i was fucking done by that point so i didn’t try, maybe i would have gotten through, but i was just...no) 

i wait until today to try to call back and i get voicemail again and as of yet i still haven’t heard anything so idk 

i plan on going to the gym once i leave work so i guess i’m going to have to be obnoxious and carry my phone around with me while i work out waiting for them to call which sucks ‘cause i really just want to get in there, bang out a routine, and not be bothered but whatever 

so i just...i say all this bullshit to say that i’m just...i’m frustrated 

i hate just kind of hanging out in the air with shit, i hate having to wait for people to get back to me because it makes me feel anxious as hell and i’ve got that in fucking spades in work right now, but also in just trying to set up an appointment that honestly, i’d rather die than go to, but this breakout situation is also making me want to die more so than usual so...y’know. 

i’m just...i’m frustrated. very fucking frustrated and so i’m just gonna sit here listening to more mbmbam and try not to get too stressed out