#anyways life is short and weird and sad and ppl care

[mer-se]

it’s crazy how people don’t think their death will affect people around them even if you aren’t close to them, or even if they were just semi passing encounters like no, others feel it. my neighbor died and as I park my car and look up at her dark little house it makes me so sad - I wanna go inside and turn on the lights she always has on. People notice and will feel it even if you don’t believe it.

[4dtk]

stuck with you

pairing: enemy!journalist!haechan x journalist!reader

genre: angst, fluff, humour, enemies to lovers (hope i did the trope justice tbh TT)

warnings: cursing, f words lmao, i mention stranger things a lot in this??? mainly bc i just finished watching it w a friend. i also only use ‘haechan’ when narrating the story so i don’t get confused! the timeline for this is Very Weird as well bc like i didn’t consider how long a pandemic would last…… so Uhm. pls just excuse the weird ass time sequence. also referenced yangyang’s bastard child behaviour from dream plan where he packs his things messily and kun had to mf intervene and yangyang had the audacity to go like “see, this is how u get ppl to pack for you, now i don’t have to do anything” 💀

word count: 8k (a headache to proofread...)

A/N: first time trying an e2l trope and im not sure if it was done ok??? i didn't want it to feel too rushed so i tried to spread out the days as much as i could!! i also included small snippets of their life w the other so it won’t seem like the fic is just focusing on the e2l concept! was inspired tons by the lyrics of stuck with u by ariana grande and jb, so that song is definitely something you can listen to if you read this! hope you enjoy ^^

[day 1]

"you're insufferable," you groan, reluctantly handing over the remote control for the hotel's television after some unsuccessful scrolling.

hotels never exactly had much range anyway. 

you were very much already dreading the time ahead with the male, sadly having been stuck in quarantine not even half a day with haechan. 

offering to go to a neighbouring country to report on the rising covid-19 situation, you didn't expect your rival to tag along, no doubt seeking to craft up a better story than you would.

and so, you were now nudging the remote control into his waiting palm with a roll of your eyes. you hoped it emphasised your annoyance with him even a little, standing up to prepare a cup of tea before bed. 

"are you going to keep watching television while i sleep?" you ask a genuine question, peeking at him through the mirror of the vanity that sat outside the bathroom.

he just shrugs with a tired sigh, turning his attention back to the cartoon playing in front of him. 

"okay, well, keep to your side of the bed and i'll stay in mine. we need to be social distancing, anyway."

there's a hint of "okay, loser" mumbled under his breath, but you pay it no thought as you finish your tea and brush your teeth before you skillfully set up a fortress made out of pillows.

"ow! what the hell?" 

"your leg was in the way, jeez! move it, and i'll stop annoying you," you said, putting up the last of your requested pillows beside where haechan currently sat. 

taking one last glance at haechan, you wondered when the lockdown in your country would last before they start letting people fly in. for now, you were trapped with the nightmare himself in a sad hotel room, with only a bed to share.

"goodnight," he tells you, but the sardonic way he says it irks you to the point where you settle for silence instead. the only thing that drones on are the voices of the cartoon, soon fading as you feel into a dreamless sleep.

[day 4]

"this virus thing is probably driving me insane by day, and you, lee haechan, are adding on to it!"

"no headlines, no idea what style to write in, minimal pictures-" the doorbell to the hotel room interrupts your current rant, prompting you to storm off to answer the call with an annoyed look. 

"what now?" taken aback by your quick response, the housekeeping girl retracts with downturned eyebrows and a voice hesitant to speak. your roommate comes to the rescue almost immediately when he's heard the commotion.

you watch as he sends her a smile and a wink, deflating when he's let her in to clean up the room. you're not sure why you can't keep your eyes off the both of them as they converse, blaming it mostly on your hatred for the male.

with the last of her duties fulfilled, you offer to help her with the cleaning supplies as an apology, but she cuts you off almost immediately. there's a linger in her step, however, as she walks the short hallway to the door, evident in wanting haechan to send her off as he received her.

turning back to call him, he holds up a hand as he types down his opening lines to an article, prompting you to shoot the housekeeper girl another apologetic look.

"sorry again," you mumble, letting out a sigh at how this was all playing out. day four and you were already making enemies with the hotel crew.

"maybe day forty-one is where i fall in love with lee haechan," you scoffed, perhaps listing down all the unfortunate things that could happen while you were in quarantine.

one of them was catching feelings for your rival.

rolling your eyes, you settled on the bed to catch a few Zs as he continued to work on his article, though you weren't exactly sure about the weight your words held.

[day 9]

"haechan, what is this?" you ask with an eyebrow raised, his dirty boxers barely hanging off your finger. 

haechan only groans at that, knowing you were relentless in the laundry. even in a pandemic, he was sure you'd prioritise your clothes first.

"jesus! don't go picking up my underwear just like that!" he snatches it from you, folding it neatly and placing it next to where his luggage sat. unfortunately, yours was right beside his. 

"you think just because you're doing the laundry you're able to look through a man's prized possessions-!"

your jaw drops, "it was near the sink, haechan! i don't want to look at the checkered pattern on your boxers when i brush my teeth. i don't want it near my face either." 

haechan groans yet again, running a hand through his hair in frustration before turning back to the computer, a blank document opened up in front of him.

despite gathering findings, interviewing healthcare workers and serving the public alongside frontline staff, he had deleted every attempt at writing.

there's a rumble from the bathroom, perhaps from your upset stomach or the choked pipe, but sometimes they sounded too similar he couldn't tell it apart. haechan stifles a laugh when there's a "fuck!" echoing behind the door, though unsure if he should help you or not.

when haechan hears another crash, he comes running without hesitation with a face morphed into furrowed eyebrows and a tilt of the head.

"don't just stand there, you moron!" 

haechan snaps out of his daze to assist you off the floor, swiftly helping you even more off the floor as he carries you to the bed with a stiff one arm. you notice his other hand hanging awkwardly, probably not knowing what to do with it before you feel the soft sheets under your butt.

he gets to work within a minute, fishing for an ointment and some bandages his mother forced him to bring. he remembers it as he always has: a caring mother looking out for her son, maybe a little too much sometimes. 

haechan is thankful for his mother, now, for the stray bandages laying around in his pouch.

you watch in silence as he cleans the cut with alcohol, wincing when his hand hadn't even touched your skin.

"my hand isn't even on your skin yet! jeez, calm down." 

you shake your head, holding onto his bicep to halt his arm, "just use water, please."

exhaling in exasperation, you wonder if you've pissed him off tenfold when he leaves for the bathroom with a side-eyed glance, though not hostile.

"problematic," haechan whispers, dabbing a wet cloth over the wound carefully before applying the ointment and securing the bandages. 

"your words contradict your actions so much, haechan. i never know what you're thinking." sighing, you pull your leg away from his hold after he's done with the bandages, making your way to the bathroom and leaving him in his thoughts.

"why do you want to know?"

haechan gets silence; the lock of the bathroom audibly turns to signal another wall put up between the two of you. with another frustrated groan, the boy plops down on the chair to work on his article with the right words forming in his mind.

even if he was the one who asked, he wasn't sure if he was ready to tell you.

[day 13]

"stranger things is freaking me the fuck out, man!" haechan whispered, ignoring your pleads and groans to continue writing. 

"haechan! give me the damn laptop! i don't even know why you brought an HDMI cable when it doesn't work with the television system here!"

"well, we got one that matches it, didn't we?" he said, eyes peeled to the screen that showed the young boy, will, in the upside-down.

"you mean you did!" you shoved him, ready to disconnect the devices before haechan held you back, clearly entranced by the next sequence of eleven being able to see will in a pool of salt. 

"ugh, god, i don't even know why people watch the show!" you spill with sourness, knowing the show was praised for its excellent acting and writing.

haechan raises an eyebrow, turning to you with a strangely slow speed. 

"stranger things have received multiple awards, and you didn't give any other reason. are you scared?"

when you struggle to find words, haechan laughs at his revelation, hiding his pearly whites behind his hand as he continues to make fun of you.

"yeah yeah, i'm scared! so what?" 

"'oh haechan! oh no~ i'm terrified, would you care to provide some comfort?' jeez, don't worry, man, i'll protect you." there's a cheeky glimmer in his eyes and a cocky smirk on his face which you very much want to wipe off with the disinfectant in the toilet.

"it's not all that bad, c'mon! give it a-" turning back to the tv, the sudden attack of the demogorgon lashing out at the camera has the male screaming, hiding behind your body in fear.

"you were saying, mr superman?" you deadpan, unlatching his arms around your waist as you sink deeper into the sheets with your phone in hand.

[day 17]

haechan thrashes in his sleep, almost knocking the wine glass you had in your hands when he crosses over the pillow barrier you made. 

"what in the hell-" you winced, keeping an eye on the male should he have any more outbursts that would ruin both wine night and the stuff you were working on for the article. 

with tipsy hands, your keyboard keys unconsciously write out a letter of disdain and confusion regarding haechan, the boy sleeping next to you with a cute drooling face and curly hair.

with beautiful tan skin like that, you wondered why he didn't model instead. with a voice as impressive as his, you wondered why he didn't sign a contract. with natural hosting capabilities, you wondered why didn't fucking get the place of a talk show host. 

because man, he can get pretty bothersome sometimes.

[day 20]

the next few days pass by with a breeze.

despite not knowing how the current pandemic will turn out, you find haechan more bearable, his habits being dumped in the past with a wave of a hand.

petty arguments occur, of course, until one of you brushes off the matter like nothing.

today was one of the days you won't back down.

there's worry evident on your face, eyes scanning through every last document on the stupid laptop. fingers travel fast over the keyboard as the realisation slowly dawns on you. 

with slumped shoulders, you take a deep breath before turning to the male.

"what do you mean you accidentally deleted my article? i know we're sharing the damn laptop, but we established that you stay on your files and i stay on mine."

the other waved his hand, "i did not touch any of your files, (y/n), i'm not sure what happened."

"how could you not know? what the hell? i had good content on it, but now i have to spend more hours reorganising the news and interview answers and everything else in my notes. thanks, lee haechan."

"maybe if you weren't so caught up in me trying to sabotage your place in the publication team, then you would've believed me." he shrugged, taking a seat on the one bed like nothing.

you scoffed, arms crossing across your body. "funny how you mention sabotage because a villain never reveals their motive. that's why you came with me, didn't you?"

haechan stuck his tongue out to the side of his mouth, eyes blinking and rolling like an 8-ball that it sickened you to the core.

"villain? i'm the villain?"

"was i not clear?" you hiss, stepping closer to the male.

"no, make it more precise, please. i wanna hear it word for word. spit it out, coward."

with every word, you plunged your finger into his chest, looking deep into his eyes. "you're set out to take my place for department editor, where you know i'm best at."

"and that department would be...?" he crossed his arms, looking down at you with scorn you wished you could slap off his face.

"the..." you gulp with his face all up in yours, eyes boring as he awaits your answer, no doubt losing confidence at your realisation.

"the world depart...ment? you love to travel, right?" you trail off, biting your lip in anxiety when you remember how he was on the plane. you don't exactly remember whether he was more excited or scared.

"wrong! try again."

"politics?" you propose.

haechan's face contorts into disbelief, with his mouth twisted with perplex and eyebrows furrowed. "me? politics?"

your mouth runs dry at the roadblock you've faced, and as that annoying, stupid smirk grows, your hatred for him increases by the charts.

"naming departments i'd rather die than join, running your mouth, accusing me of deleting your files..." haechan shakes his head dramatically, rolling his eyes and letting out a fat sigh.

"you think i wanna be stuck here with your infuriating ass? god, you're so entitled, aren't you? aren't you?!"

"talking like you own the place, talking like you're the only one in this world, talking like- mhfh-"

within three angry steps, you were across the room.

within three booming steps, your hands were on his face.

within three significant steps, you were kissing lee haechan.

"you never learn to shu..." with horror, you're brought back from the trance with widened eyes.

"oh, god, sorry. what. what the hell. what the fuck?" you whisper, pushing the boy away with both hands in a panic, trying to highlight your scorn for him by wiping your lips on your sleeve.

had you liked it?

the other scurried to the balcony in a frenzy while you collected yourself in the bathroom, although no amount of water could calm your nerves. 

with shaky words in bed, you both agreed to never talk about it again.

[day 25]

"hey, i can see your damn annotations on my article, (y/n). will you stop it?" haechan whines, making you second guess if he was joking or not.

for the nth time that day, you roll your eyes and proceed to sip from your cup of gin tonic that haechan desperately wanted you to try. it was... a refreshing taste, but hell, you wouldn't drink this even if it was the last beverage on earth.

"i'm just giving my feedback, be thankful i didn't bring up that stupid kiss five days ago. bleugh." 

haechan falls quiet at that, fingers lingering over the keyboard as he typed out some note with the speed of a sloth's. 

"hey, call me donghyuck. that's my actual name," he mumbles, glancing at you through his bangs while he awaits your reply.

"donghyuck? is haechan an alias?"

the boy shrugs, "i don't know, maybe. my friends gave it to me when i was younger, and i just stuck with it."

"full sun? your friend gave it to you, sure." you grin with a gesture of your hand, almost spilling the gin in the clear glass before breaking into small laughter with the other.

[day 28]

"hey! hey, what the hell?" you whisper, feeling the boy huddle up to you in lightning speed. 

"what is wrong with you?" you whisper-shout, nudging him off your body as his phone screen remains as the only thing illuminating his face.

"sorry, i- i was watching stranger things while i was shitting and after i cleaned up... i heard something and bolted out of there."

"so now you're butt naked? hyuck, ew!" you groan, thankful for the sheets that were covering your body and his junk. his reluctance to get off you didn't seem to bother you as much as earlier, but you still wished he wasn't literally naked against you.

"go put on your underwear, you big baby. i'll be here when you come out. no demogorgon is going to come out, for real."

"no no, i was watching season two and it was that big shadow thingy that freaked me out. can't you feel this poor boy shivering?" haechan sighed, eyes never leaving the corridor that led to the bathroom.

"i can, and i also can feel your dick. please get dressed, or you're sleeping on the floor," you mumble, pulling the sheets to cover your freezing body.

[day 31] 

your face hits something soft, cuddling into it even further because of its warmth before you realise there was only one other thing that would be warm in the room.

haechan.

your breath shakes, and your eyes widen as you pull yourself away from his embrace. your subtle movement leaves him thrashing around, though, and his arms tighten around your figure slowly and endearingly.

gulping, you will your hands to stay in their place, opting to freeze to death although there are hints of heat crawling onto your face.

when you wake up, you find that his hand's in yours and maybe you were searching for one wrong thing. an anomaly, an exception. it fit in yours perfectly, however, his tanned skin glowing lightly under the rays of sun filtering through the curtains.

you hoped he didn't realise the small shift of your fingers as they enclosed around his hand.

[day 32]

"what are you doing out here?" haechan asked quietly, peeking around the sliding door before joining you on the chilly balcony. it wasn't much, but it was still different and refreshing from the old, stagnant aircon air that was blowing in the hotel room.

"can't sleep," you whisper. you had your arms around your figure cautiously, as if it could protect you from all the bad, evil and terror in the world. at this point, you weren't sure what was it that you were feeling, but it sure didn't involve entertaining haechan's teasing. 

luckily, he bit his tongue from making the usual snarky remarks.

"it's two in the morning, what's up?" 

you shake your head in reply, watching the empty streets as the last light in the apartment across you switches off. sure, at two in the morning, pavements were dusty clean, and the birds were sleeping, but there would always be younger boys smoking along the road, or a drunken group of friends laughing about a past memory. 

now that the pandemic forced everyone into their homes, everything was pretty much dead. there wasn't that excitement you felt when you saw a late-night kiss shared between two lovers or the snug hug of a child to his father who was working overtime that day.

"nothing's up, hyuck, it's fine. you can get back to sleep if you want."

maybe today you two were the one causing the ruckus this time, though. haechan may have let his words slipped, and at that moment, you knew you regretted that bloom in your chest when his lips met yours.

"you're so hard to read, (y/n). i want you to be able to trust me, tell me what's going on."

"why do you wanna know anyway? so you can expose me of my bad habits and weak points?" you whisper, eyes trained on the flickering lamppost a few yards away.

"there you go again! again with the sabotage?" haechan scoffed, exiting the small space and stepping back into the room of mixed emotions.

"is this just about your feelings for me?" 

haechan laughed, "my feelings? might i remind you that you were the one who kissed me full on the lips twelve days ago? what was that all about? i wanna talk about it, even though we said we wouldn't! i wanna talk about why you hate me so much. i wanna talk about why your emotions are so contradictive!" 

your mouth hangs open as you sputter out a heated reply, but instead gets interrupted with a knock on the door. 

"keep quiet, you damn teenagers! i don't need your petty fights at two in the morning!" with padded feet, the guest returns to his room and slams the door to emphasise his complaint. swallowing, your mind goes blank as it focuses only on one question.

"why do you want to know so much lee haechan? what are you gaining out of this? if it's not sabotaging, then what is it?!" you whisper, standing your ground as with the first argument. 

your throat is clenched up, and your fists are balled up tightly with nails digging into your palm. your heartbeat races like a fast car and your breathing's laboured in the cold room. there's no movement for a second, though they feel like minutes on end as haechan struggles to answer your question.

"what is it, lee donghyuck?" you cry out again, the sparkle in your eyes shining brightly from the tears of your never-ending dispute. he wished it was from the moonlight, instead. he wished the two of you were laughing over the rim of wine glasses and sharing the mischievous glimmer of the moon in your eyes.

"it's nothing. don't mind it." the other turns to catch up on sleep, leaving you to bite your lip.

"now you're doing it, now you're the one doing it. just tell me, you dumbass!" you mumble, pulling on his pyjama sleeve and tugging you to him.

"i like you, okay! it's out there now, i like you a lot, but you make it feel like a crime to do it," haechan whispers, "whatever. fuck this."

"no- what- no, we'll talk this out." you propose, adjusting your grip on his wrist with the curl of your fingers.

the male shakes his head and snatches his arm back, "no, forget it, and i'd prefer if you left me alone, (y/n)."

even with the warmth of his body next to yours, your body felt frozen and stiff. even with the thick duvet cover over you, you felt out of place in the stale hotel room, with colour becoming black and white, they merge into grey as the moonlight shone without a care for your problems.

there's action on the balcony when your eyes flutter open in the morning, noticing the quiet way haechan observes those rushing to work as well as social distancing officers making their rounds.

his eyes look hopeful and youthful, different from the tired ones the night before, or rather, this morning. you hadn't forgotten the angry neighbour banging on the door, and you definitely hadn't forgotten about how much you've wounded haechan this morning.

with a soft knock, you let him know of your presence and you just miss the way his eyes soften at your bed hair and messy appearance. his gaze turns hard in a second as he turns back to the apartment across yours, the balcony door showing your reflection of how hesitant you were.

haechan wished he could take your hands in his and accept your apology in a heartbeat, but he stayed seated and waited for whatever you wanted to say.

"don't run off, please." there's a shameful hand on his shoulders, and he's dying to get up when he sees your downcast eyes in the reflection across the street.

"i was too caught up in getting department head that i... didn't consider other possibilities. even the possibility of you uhm... liking me. it's still a weird concept to me, especially with how much we bicker."

"i'm sorry i didn't stay to hear out your feelings and rather, i just talked over you instead. i'm not sure if you want to accept this or not, but i want to open up—about this, about your feelings and... i don't know how much i've masked my emotions, i just know that we need to communicate."

the doorbell interrupts your apology, but you internally thank the housekeeping for bringing breakfast for the two of you.

with silence over breakfast, you weren't sure how the other felt as he scoffed down the croissant and almost burned his tongue with the coffee he ordered.

[day 33] 

the boy barely watches the television and instead, reads over the article you were working on. seeing as it was already there when he logged on, he skimmed through it out of curiosity, finding that you were rephrasing the messy typos and sentences frantically on your notes.

haechan never forgot the way you were typing away on the laptop, eyes reading and rereading the sentences to make sure they made sense, to make sure they were clear to the reader. 

the argument had taken a toll on you, too. he sees it in the way your eyes sink when your words turn out choppy and lacking, he sees it in the way you lug your body to the bathroom after a late night, he sees it in the way you struggle to hold your smile while attending an interview. 

'haechan. you confuse me. i'm not...' the note below it trails off, piquing his curiosity at what it had in store.

'haechan.' big and bold letters it wrote, with a few dozen question marks below it. your writing skills shine through even in an informal note about your self-proclaimed rival, each line prompting the other to read more.

'you confuse me. i'm not sure what you're at but, it doesn't seem natural for you to tag along with someone you hate, right? that's what i was thinking too.'

'jeez, i remember hating when suyeon told me you were coming along. i didn't believe her one bit until she showed me your plane ticket and the hotel rooms next to each other. god, and when i came here, it was a day of interviewing before the damn government decided to close flights and force us into a room together.'

'i heard that other people had to be separated. i didn't know why we were the unlucky two that had to be put in a room together. i wished we didn't, almost. of course, you annoyed me when we first moved in. hogging the tv to no end, leaving your dirty underwear everywhere, running your mouth just like at our workplace.'

'i couldn't take it, maybe. sure, my brother has similar antics, but there was just something about you that just set me off, you know? i wouldn't have thought it was the opposite, or at least, i think so.'

'i'm counting the days. day 17 and i'm not sure why i feel this bubbling feeling inside me. of course, there's anger—i'm sure it's there, but there's also this other thing i get whenever i look at you.'

'my heart clenches up, and my hands become clammy, but it couldn't be a crush, right? i would've wasted my breath shouting, and my strength whacking your shoulder.' that makes haechan chuckle and look over at you where the soft light dances over your face.

'and then i started imagining. how would your arms wrap around me? how would your infuriating laughter, which somehow turned out to be so contagious, feel in the crook of my neck? yikes, that was cheesy.'

'what would it feel like if we fell in love for one night? where would you bring me and what would we eat? would we make out in your car like unruly teenagers?' 

'what would it be like to love you? it's dumb, isn't it? i don't know. i've liked this bickering thing we had going on, and it's amusing to see you one-up me. i'm not sure if i want that to change and i'm not sure if you want us to, either.'

'maybe i'm wrong, and i'm the only one in this thing. this is so stupid, writing while he's sitting next to me. i'll regret this, maybe. goodnight.'

haechan sighs, closing the device in thought, confused at the words he wasn't exactly supposed to read. had you done this on purpose? he was sharing the laptop with you...

the boy brushed it off, placing the laptop on the vanity before adjusting your side of the duvet, hoping he could find the right words. with hesitant steps, he keeps to his side of the bed, thinking, thinking, thinking. 

when he couldn't no more, haechan fell into the spell of slumber in the comfortable hotel room.

[day 34]

"tea?" he asks from the bathroom as the door clicks behind you, returning from the short hotel walk with a new keychain hanging from your sling bag.

"yeah sure, thanks." 

the water runs as he fills up the kettle as the constant whir of the aircon and the conversation on the television keeps you company in the vast quietness of the room. 

you weren't sure if you should say anything, but when you saw the dishevelled appearance of your roommate, you knew you had to bring up the argument and apology.

"haechan, about our... feelings. do you want to talk about them?" you whispered, a reply reaching your ears in the form of his spoon against the porcelain mug.

haechan hands you the drink wordlessly, sitting on the chair at the vanity before sipping cautiously at the tea. there are unexchanged glances between the two of you before he sighs at your expectant hand tapping the sheets.

"i think it's about time we did," he mumbled, dragging the laptop off the wooden table with anxiety. the other opened it without saying anything, catching you by surprise when the mouse hovers over your note.

"hae- donghyuck! no! what the hell?"

he holds up a hand and clicks on it anyway, making your heart drop to your stomach as he turned the device towards you.

"read the bottom." haechan whispers as you pull the laptop closer to you, settling it on your lap as he observed your expressions carefully.

'i read it, i'm sorry.' you look at him and lift up a hand to prepare to whack him, a defeated sigh escaping you before you carried on.

'was it wrong to read it? of course, and i cannot apologise more for doing shit like that when we still have unsolved tension between us in this small ass room. it was incorrect, but.'

'do you feel the same as me? is bickering all we have to do? why can't we work anything out? they're the questions i keep asking myself after i read your letter.'

'i guess i was too caught up in the fight and not wanting to be the loser that i... can't deny that i've never thought about wanting to get to know you, even if you were that sought out to be my destined enemy.'

'when we fought earlier, you kissed me. i know we said not to mention it, but, uhm, it was good. i liked it. i'm not sure if the reason why you did it was because of the reason you mentioned in the note, but at the time, i assumed it was to shut me up. i thought something would happen after, though you pushed me away and apologised right away.'

'it was a far off dream that i had, but i think it was after i bandaged your foot. you said that you didn't know what was going on in my mind, and i told you.'

'it was like, i was granted an insight into an alternate world, another universe where you didn't feel the strain, where you legitimately assumed i was going for your position.'

'you scoffed when i confessed, right then and there, on day 9. i was counting, too, and it was a scary, confusing dream. i think that's why i held it off as long as i could until your words puzzled and angered me further because you just didn't get it.'

'you scoffed and told me to get lost, pushing on my shoulders where we fought on the balcony for everyone to see. you never spoke to me, you never mentioned my article nor the interviews. we never joked over wine, and we always kept to our side of the bed.'

'i was convinced that heaven wanted me to stay away from you and your heart. maybe it was broken too many times, and you had someone up there looking out for you.'

'i feel like i'm copying off the textbook of some greek mythology starter pack, but i'm for real! no kidding.' you smiled, looking at him with nervous eyes at the small joke he put in.

'i guess whoever put that dream in my sleep really wanted us not to be together because i think i would've told you i liked you on the spot itself. i let my conscious get the best of me.'

'i know this is a lazy way of conveying my feelings, and i wished i could do it with words, but i feel like you wouldn't believe me otherwise. i rushed it this morning when you went on your morning walk around the hotel and when you let me know of your stroll in a soft voice, i wanted nothing more than to get you in my arms as we wake up to the housekeeping service.'

'i didn't want any more tension between us, and i didn't want to be interrupted by your alarm while we avoid each other more. it hurts seeing you escape the room in haste. you said it was weird for me to tag along with someone i hate, too, and that someone was you. i guess you found out why.'

looking up, you found him right in front of you, mouth dry from his reply to your letter. with a gulp, you leaned forward to meet his lips halfway.

"i'm sorry to whoever's up there," he whispers, prompting a grin and a laugh out of you.

the laptop is forgotten on the bed as haechan situates himself over you, clutching your shoulder gently while his lips move quickly, fast to make up for lost time. 

"wait wait, wait, you're not playing me, are you?" you mumble in return, reluctantly pulling away while witnessing the way his eyes soften at your guard still up. haechan shakes his head forlornly, tongue pressing up against the side of his mouth nervously.

"no, i'm not, (y/n)," he says quietly with as much sincerity he can muster, removing his hand from your shoulder with a forced smile. 

"okay." there's a shakiness to your voice, but when you bring his lips back to yours, it gives you a rush of confidence. your skin is burning up, and your hands can't stop wandering as his lips capture yours, repeatedly moving against yours like a trance.

you grant haechan access to your mouth with a whimper, melting into his embrace as his arms wrap tighter around your figure. his eagerness lingers when he pushes forward, straddling your lap as his leg nudges the laptop.

"wait, hyuck, wait, the laptop!" you joke, placing the device on the floor before getting back into the kiss with just as much fervour. within a minute or so, the other breaks away to say the words you so hated to hear:

"we... we need to talk. we can't just kiss the fight off, although i very much like to," haechan murmurs the last part, making you stifle a smile. 

you nod quickly, repeating the word "okay" like a robot. your hands naturally travel from his arms down to his fingers, and you clutch them like your life depended on it.

"we have... established, that i like you, correct?" haechan whispers, scooting closer as his tea-ridden breath surrounds you. from here, you could even smell the buttered croissant he ate this morning.

it made you smile, something simple as that.

"why- why are you laughing (y/n)?" he asks anxiously, eyes darting to find the reason why you found this so funny.

"no. no no no, i'm thinking of... the croissant you ate just now, and," you sigh, resting your head on his broad shoulder. 

"i'm thinking of the way your eyes light up when you show me the articles you idolise so much, and i'm thinking of the way you cuddle up to me whenever we watch stranger things." 

"i'm thinking of the way you thought i wouldn't give you a chance, even though i've been pondering on the same thing as you. i'm thinking of the things that make up lee haechan, lee donghyuck. yes, you like me, and yes i like you, but i guess i haven't told you the reason."

"i hated you, i really did. i found every reason to convince my mind to hate you. gaining trust, signing up for events you didn't know shit about, sucking up to the seniors, stealing my friends when they didn't know your personality. the personality i didn't even want to know because i was too busy in my little bubble."

"assuming you'd want to get department head was the cherry on top, because why else would you want to tag along? that was the factor that convinced me and confirmed my suspicions from day one."

you grunt in opposition, clearly not liking the truth that was spilling from your lips. haechan deserved to know, however. you kept your eyes trained on his lap where his hands were holding yours in support, crumbling from the blindness that caused your hatred. 

"so from then, the plane ride, immigration, the cab to the interview place, the cab back, the hotel room, my hatred for you boiled over." you listed, voice breaking as you looked haechan in the eye. 

"it was stupid of me to assume, to assume the worst of you when i didn't even know you. i wasn't even sure why i felt so bitter looking at you, but the way you acted, the way you whined, worked me up so much that i figured that was how you were."

"now when i'm sitting here with the curtains drawn, i can see why you're so attractable and easy to talk to and easy-going and bright that my friends keep talking to you."

"i can see why the seniors turn to you because you're reliable and hardworking without uttering a single word."

"i can see why you wanted to hop on this flight with me because you're always curious about the world and how you can expand your skill set."

and as you said word after word, haechan observes you with a soothing hand against your forearms. his eyes shine for a different reason, for the lost time he could've had if the two of you didn't have this massive barrier. a massive barrier that's been up for the longest time. 

brick by brick, the wall is being torn down. as you hold haechan's face in the stillness of the room, you feel closer to him than you've ever felt and his tears match your frustrated ones. 

choking on sobs, delayed apologies were all you could whisper.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, really. we fought so bad that day, and i was so goddamn insensitive..." you sigh, swallowing a lump when his hand reached up to wipe the tears. with a blocked nose, you breathe shakily as housekeeping interrupts the moment. 

you nod towards the door as he stood up slowly to reveal the same housekeeping girl. she cleaned up the bathroom and wardrobe quietly as the two of you stood awkwardly in the small space. she had left the sheets since everyone was practically stuck in, anyway.

haechan nudges you toward the door with a shove, shooting the same housekeeping girl a small smile and a bow as an apology to the previous run-in.

"he confessed his feelings?" she inquired softly, noticing the tear marks on your face.

you bit your lip, "yeah."

"that's good, he's finally not a coward." she laughs, folding the used towels and placing them with her.

you leaned against the door, asking for an explanation with your puzzled look.

"he was someone i liked, before. we had classes back in high school. it was just a dumb crush, honestly." the housekeeping girl shrugs, resting her head on her fist in thought.

"i think he liked me, and i did too, but we didn't do much except for exchange looks and flirt because both of us were just too scared." she shakes her head and adjusts the disinfectant spray bottle, fidgeting with the nozzle.

"i'm glad he had enough courage to admit his feelings." 

nodding along to her statement, she bids you farewell as her figure fades with each step, leaving you with a sense of calmness to the end of this situation.

[day 38]

"is... is this okay?" haechan asks, arm hovering over your body while waiting for your confirmation. you smile and nod, sinking into his side as you venture in the third season of stranger things together. 

"don't you think we should be working on our articles?" you whisper, looking up at him from where you were with raised eyebrows.

the boy opens and closes his mouth in thought, gesturing to the television with an exaggerated expression. 

"stranger things, ma'am."

you click your tongue and sigh with a smile, turning back to the show as you try to relax for an online interview in a few hours.

[day 39]

"what do you say about my set-up?" haechan nudges you, proud of the hangout area he prepared on the balcony. although small, he had no trouble making it look comfortable. 

with a smile, you pop open the wine to celebrate the last scheduled interview for the trip, clinking glasses with haechan in the setting sun.

the country you were supposed to return to was slowly opening up flights for those stranded overseas and as refreshing as a different environment was, you missed home and the warmness of it.

you missed the office and your desk. hell, you even missed the mediocre coffee from the pantry.

with the last of the wine finishing, haechan pours half into your glass and the other into his, clinking one last time before you one-shot the beverage.

the high of the alcohol is gradually brought down by the mellow atmosphere and colours of twilight. as pink and orange cross over on the horizon, haechan mumbles a low "c'mere" to you in the darkness.

you hum in response and get up from your seat, bringing a pillow with you as haechan shifts to make space. sinking naturally into his arms, you sigh while you try to contain a smile full of content.

"this is nice," you admit, the corners of your lips disobeying your command, prompting you to shoot him a smile. haechan nods against your hair, a comfortable arm around your waist while you trace the tan skin of his arm.

the other taps your waist repeatedly, turning in response as he whispers out a question that makes your heart melt.

"can i kiss you?" you grin, slipping a hand around his neck and pulling him in right away. haechan's caught by surprise, laughing into your lips and striving to savour the moment as much as he could. 

a shout from across the hotel distracts you from the kiss. looking up, you realise it was the apartment resident opposite you shooting you a 'rock on' gesture.

"you guys are not fighting anymore! congrats!" you both stifle a snort as you wave back to the resident, sighing in relief when their balcony door slides shut.

"should we go inside, m'lady?" haechan giggles, replying in the form of a nod, cleaning up the area while you head in.

[day 41]

"i didn't think they'd be letting flights in so early," you mumble, folding your clothes neatly as your vision shifts to haechan... shoving his fair share of apparel into his luggage.

"donghyuck... what the hell?" you roll your eyes, shoving the boy softly as you took over the task at hand. switching personalities almost immediately, haechan fakes an interview segment with exaggerated tones.

"see, everyone, this is how you convince someone to do the work for you," the boy lays on the bed with a satisfied expression, "now i don't have to do anyth- ow!"

"if we ever live together, maybe i should punish you by doing the laundry and then folding it," you grunt, working at the speed faster than you expected while you fold shirt after shirt.

"are you proposing we move in together?" haechan peeks through an open eye, curiosity dripping from his tone. he tried to feign nonchalance but awaiting your answer felt like a weight on his heart.

your next words lifted that weight, a seemingly invisible force bringing his upper body off the bed as he stares at you in shock.

"maybe, not now but... in the future, maybe," you mumble the last part, focusing on the clothes to prevent the male from seeing the fluster on your face.

"for real?" haechan sits up, biting his lip to contain his excitement as your confirmation. 

"we'll be all stupidly domestic and shit, and i'll say i love you five years from now before you go off for work if you want that and stuff," your voice goes lower and quieter, especially towards the end, biting off way more than you could chew.

"aw! i love you too!" haechan gushes, bringing you into an embrace as your hands go limp, scrambling to explain your emphasis on the 'future'.

"d-donghyuck, i meant the future, not now..." you manage to spit out, hoping you need not answer his queries any more. your mind blanks out at the current situation, wishing you hadn't said those dumb things.

he grins into your neck, "i know, i'm just answering for future me."

you groan and escape the hug with a roll of your eyes, "yuck, too cheesy!" the boy just lets out a laugh, watching the way you fold his clothes despite your initial annoyance.

[day 42]

suyeon switches between the two of you in disbelief, finger crooked at the ambiguity of "we like each other".

"wha-" suyeon doesn't get the chance to finish the sentence before you shoot her a thumbs up, grabbing haechan by the arm and your stuff with the other.

you were happy to leave the office after a quick debrief since you two had reported to the office right after arriving at the airport, relieved when you heard he'd spare a few more days for your articles to be cleaned up.

"so, (y/n), what would you like to do now?" haechan looks at you through the reflective material of the elevator, observing the nervous wringing of your fingers.

you're glad for the material protecting your face because there's a smile that you struggle to keep as his soft, gentle voice carries through the quiet space.

the anxiety ends when the lift sounds, prompting your eyes to trail down his arm. your hand moves on its own accord, grabbing his last finger with yours as you proceed into the lift sheepishly, not missing the way haechan's eyes show his bright smile behind the mask.

"maybe i'll get to know you more, lee donghyuck."

haechan lets out a gasp, "have you not learned about me enough? scandalous." 

you feign a punch in his direction, the luggage beside you tripping over its wheels due to your swift movement. the only response you get is a giggle from the other as he tightens his pinky around yours, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek right above your face mask just as the elevator doors open.

"man, i really do want to punch you now," you mutter as you let haechan lead you, wanting nothing more than to rest in the arms of your enemy-turned-friend? enemy-turned-someoneyoulike?

you weren’t exactly sure.

he doesn't answer during the walk to the main road, nor the ride back to your home, the only constant thing being the way he admires your profile in the taxi, shrugging when you counter with a playful "what?". 

"nothing," haechan grins.

[there are more days to come]

sure, day forty-one may not have been the day you fell in love with haechan, nor the day where he outwardly claims you as his lover.

but, taking it slow never hurt anyone, either.

you know it in the way he tells you he can't go in unless he's invited and you see it in the way he asks if he can switch the television on while you prepare some drinks.

like the hotel, you know it in the way he asks if he can kiss you and the way he deepens his kisses with caution.

you appreciate it in the way he quickly apologises for a personal question, while visibly relaxing as you brush it off with a smile.

with hours pass, day forty-two becomes day forty-three, and haechan remains as chivalrous as always.

days pass, and you submit your articles. weeks pass, and you get to know the boy more and more. months pass, and you feel his love in the way he plays with your fingers in the dark and pulls you close under the sheets.

even if you hadn't acknowledged the love between the two of you, that note you wrote half-drunk matched the way you felt now—with how your heart clenches up and with how your grin never leaves your face with haechan around.

there are more days to come with lee haechan, lee donghyuck, even if it meant getting stuck together in a hotel room with unsaid words.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 27+28.11.20 lbs

27.11.20

lmao i was gonna get suuuuuuper mad at kabir for being in her room but then he’s like:

“hi.”

....................... and i instantly snorted happily. vishal is realllllllllly just so likable that i just can’t with him anymore. i love when adorable marshmallows like him and shrenu play evil. you just cannot fucking hate them!

blah blah humaara kamra, mera kamra nonsense.

shaadi ka joda gift. with that tackyyyyyyyyyyyyassss KABIR KI RIDDHIMA written on it. main marr jaooon par kabhi bhi aisa kuch na pehnoon, no matter how much i love the guy.

“kuch hi derr mein tum VANSH ki riddhima se, KABIR ki riddhima ho jaogi.” coz even in 2020, women are nothing but chattel to be passed on from one man to another.

riddhima is thinking fat chance, bitch.

telling him she’ll never wear red for him, coz “laal pyaar ka rang hota hai, aur main sirf ek insaan se pyaar karti hoon, aur woh hai vansh.”

“toh yeh bhi vansh ke paise se hi liya hai.” lmaooooooooo

ghani beizzati by saying she’s already bought a joda for herself, a white one. which honestly looks muchhhhhhhhhh nicer than the red one acc. to me but ok.

vansh checking his account balance and seeing that there’s charges for two wholeass designer jodas bought for a shaadi that’s not even gonna happen:

anyway kabir’s like ok who cares, colour doesn’t matter, shaadi toh tumhari honi hai mujhse blah blah.

kabir doesn’t like mandap setup. coz all white. and apparently aryan was in charge of it? coz he’s getting dragged by the collar for it.

good. i don’t feel any sympathy.

ishani is like dekh liya nateeeja iss loserrrrrrrr ki khushaamad karne ka? when has vansh ever treated you like this no matter how mad he’s gotten at you? he always protected you.

behen kyun bhains ke aage been bajaa rahi ho? yeh manhoos baaz nahi aana.

ishani flounced away and aryan’s now vowing revenge against kabir. abbe yaar, tera list toh kabhi khata hi nahi hota.

why the fuck are these ppl soooooooooo dressed up for a wedding they don’t even want to participate in? itna toh main apni genuine shaadi ke liye naa sajjjjjjoon.

suddenly ishani is allllll about bado ka sammaaan and parampara, pratishthaaaaa, anushaasan and all. lmao ok?????

tod di choodi uski kalaayi par. jaisa bhai, waisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hi behen.

shaadi mubarak indeed. lol.

riddhima’s calling vihaan and freakingout ki woh paise leke bhaag gaya. you are so fucking stupid sis, why would you give him that much fucking money BEFORE HE EVEN SHOWED THE FUCK UP??????????

“tum thodi weird nahi ho????” bhai obvious sawaal naa pooch.

anyway he’s like calm yo tits, untwist your panties, i’ll get there on time.

kabir instead of fixing his maatam waala mandap is back skulking around vihaan’s container box house. ladki ko shaadi karni bhi nahi hai and she’s sitting there ready from 3 hours before, aur yeh, jissko shaadi ki utaavli chadhi thi, is out doing randomassssss jasoosi, coz that’s the priority rn. sounds legit. 

VIHAAN THE DUMBASS TOOK OFF THE CCTV CAMERA AND PACKED IT. GOD YOU’RE ALLLLLLLLLLL FUCKING AQAL KE DUSHMAN IN THIS SHOW.

kabir sneaking in with gunnnnnnn.

how the fuck am i supposed to take him seriously with these bachchon waale sports shoes?!!?!?!? GIVE THE MAN HIS COMBAT BOOTS BACK SO HELP ME GODDDDDD

he’s peeking in the door and making some threatening statements about oh ho yeh hai tumhara plan, main sab khatammmmm kar doonga and all, but we never see wtf he’s looking at and this show is fulllllllllllll of red herrings, so........ idc.

riddhima putting on previous mangalsutra for this wedding and..... guts toh hai bandi main. badiii dheent hai.

mummy coming and saying blah blah usse utaar do this is your new mangalsutra and lmaoooooooooooooo

this is the tackiest fucking shit i’ve ever seen in my life. what’s with their obsession of putting their name on everything!?!!!?!!? what are you, an eight grader?!?!!?!?

anyway, bored with this ainvayi ki dhamki waala scene, fwding.

blah blah 2 ghante mein kaunsa chamatkaar hona hai and all......... WHY ARE YOU PPL SO DAMN OVERCONFIDENT????

meanwhile kabir is back and now harassing dadi. KISI KO TOH AKELA CHOD DE.  

actually, lmao, i’d love to see him go try this shit on ishani and angre. it would be fucking glooooooooooorious lololololol.

anyway, he wants dadi’s aashirwaad in the form of vansh’s saafa (pagdi/turban). ABBE YAAAAAAAAAAR. USKE UNDERWEAR DRAWER SE JAAKE USKI CHADDI BHI LEKE PEHEN. ITNAAAAAAAAA WANNABE VILLAIN MAINE AAJ TAK NAHI DEKHA. HADHHHHHHH HAI.

chikni chupdi baatein ki i’m just trying to be the son vansh was to this house. if i wear his saafa, it’s like uski aashirwaad aur duaein meri saath hongi.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PICTURE VANSH’S FACE IS LITERALLY LIKE

anyway dadi is like really really fucking hurt by this and my god i wanna fucking murder kabir.

she’s literally telling him to pick anything else, it’s vansh’s nishaani and he’s like aap sab ke paas koi na koi nishaani hai, mere paas apne bhai ki koiiiiiiiii nishaani nahi hai blah blah and oh my god, this is truly the most villainous thing kabir has done, being thisssssss fucking emotionally manipulative. the absolute fuckkkkkkkk.

ugh anyway long story short. baandh diya dadi ne ukso saafa. bloody nonsense.

poor dadi phoot phoot ki ro rahi hai ki she’s losing vansh bit by bit. awwwww man it’s genuinely heartbreaking.

riddhima has witnessed this and is about to fuckkkkkk shit up lolll. 

lmaoooooooooooo dayum.

wtf is your problem, i’m marrying you, why are you torturing the fam like this blah blah. kabir like physical, emotional, moral sabbbbbbbbbbb tarah se tod ke rakh doonga inn sabko and ugh god i just really fucking hate him.

but damn he just looks really good in this sherwani and hair all mussed up.

anyway he’s doing some real messed-up, genocidal dictator kinda talk and phew. is just askinggggggggg to be murdered.

and then lmao he abruptly switched to “bohut khoobsurat lag rahi ho tum; time kya ho raha hai???? ooooooh ek ghanta baaki hai.” and i legittttttt lol’d at the way he delivered it. I HATE VISHAL FOR NOT LETTING ME HATE KABIR IN PEACEEEEEEEEE.

riddhima panic-calling vihaan, wants to go check on him. mummy ne pakad liya, room mein badh kar diya coz K told her to handle riddhima’s bhagodi dulhan ways.

great. riddhima’s having a breakdown.

motivational call from the choti sarrdaarni. she kinda just looks like a tall baby shivangi joshi had with aditi dev sharma????

le, doosre show waale heroine ko bhi pata hai kabir kameena hai, iss show mein 3 episode pehle pata chala issko.

ok is the choti sarrdaarni delusional and having a make-believe phone call with the protagonist of her favt tv show IMMJ, coz she knows waaaaay more details than even the people in this house know about the plot and what went down. she’s talking about how vansh aakhri pal tak ladta raha and riddhima’s like huh, news to me, i just got there in time to see him spout some ghatiya shayari and then throw himself off a cliff.

anyway riddhima seems to have gotten strength from this deranged phone call, so............. good for her, i guess.

———————————————————————

28.11.20

next ep just abruptly started with kabir and mummy in riddhima’s room threatening her and i just.......... dude, whatever. i’m just gonna skim through this ep coz i know it’s just filler shit till literally the last 1 minute. 

OK HE’S MANHANDLING HER AGAIN AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKK

dang helly looked evennnnnnnn younger in the first eps. legit baby face. at least now they’ve aged her up a lil with the makeup and styling.

he’s saying don’t bother waiting, no one is gonna come. OH BOY. VIHAAN ARE YOU OK????? ARE YOU OK??????? ARE YOU OK VIHAAN?!?!?!?!?

cue riddhima’s panic attack.

lmao kabir telling mummy ki iss shaadi mein ab koi speedbreaker nahi hai lol. heavy foreshadowing that ab se everything that can go wrong is definitely gonna go wrong.

suddenly at the speed of light kabir is back at the container home in his sherwani and saafa and holding vihaan at gunpoint????

oh. sapna tha riddhima ka. ouff. this stupid show has tooooo fucking many dream sequences.

someone give this bitch a klonopin coz watching her is making my anxiety shoot up.

mummy comes into room 2 min later and sees riddhima sleeping ghoongattttt and all. SURE. NOT SUS AT ALL THAT A BRIDE DYING OF ANXIETY WOULD TAKE A NAP 30 MIN BEFORE THE CEREMONY IN FULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OUTFIT. TOTALLY A THING THAT HAPPENS.

DUDE SHE PULLED A NURSE WAALI HARKAT AGAIN. LMAOOOOOOOOO. KISKO SULAAAAAKE AAYI HAI TU, AAFAT?!?!?!!?

askdjasldkjlsakdjlaskjdlaskjdlaskjdlkas. ALSO THE FACT THAT MUMMY RECOGNIZED HER FROM HER PRESS ON NAILS. LMAOOOOOOOOOO I CAN’T EVEN WITH THIS SHOW.

LMAO RIDDHIMA YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

lol mummy has to call and give bad news to kabir. and i am sad we didn’t get to see his volcanic reaction, which no doubt would have been epicccccccccccc.

10 MINUTES TO THE CEREMONY. VR MANSION IS 20 MIN AWAY FROM THE CONTAINER HOUSE (AS STATED BY V BEFORE) AND THIS SIS IS...........

RE DEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

she finally got in and the whole place is empty. he practically lives in a storage unit, you telling me he went and moved his stuff to a whole different storage unit?????

new freakout within the pre-existing panic attack: kabir ne vihaan ko saaf kar diya ya vihaan paise leke bhaag gaya??

cut to fb: riddhima asking V all earnestly ki tum dhoka toh nahi doge na????

HIS ASS ACTUALLY SAID, LEMME TELL YOU A FACT ABOUT ME: I LOVE MY MOM. I SWEAR ON HER I WON’T BETRAY YOU. 

AND SHE STILL DIDN’T GET THAT HE’S VANSH. MY GODDDDDDDD.

she’s like nope vihaan gave mummy promise so he won’t give dhoka. ah yes, the most sacred and inviolable of promises.

toh bacha alternative ki kabir has vihaan. 4th simultaneous panic attack in a panic attack. someone sedate this bitch.

aaaaaaaaaand kabir has sent a video of a bomb in VR mansion below the mandap. great.

and now he’s calling to say ki get your ass back home or imma scramble these eggheads called the raisinghanias.

lmao the bomb is counting forwards instead of backwards????

mummy saying MY BETA SMAAAAAARTEST. haan, tha..... kisi zamaane mein. ab nihaayati bewakoof ho gaya hai.

lmao kabir accosted a passing by angre and is like you need to be loyal to me as you were to vansh and lol angre’s like saaf saaf shabdon mein, fuckkkkkkk off.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KABIR WENT TO HURL THE NAARIYAL AT ANGRE’S RETREATING HEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MAN HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO HATE HIM HE’S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS

lmao he goes to phodofy naariyal and:

abhi bappa ko huullllllllll de raha hai. overconfidence ki hadh toh dekho.

riddhima is back and hunting for the bomb and kabir comes bouncing the fake bomb around and she’s legit like TUMNE MUJHSE JHOOOOOT BOLA?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? lol bitch, seriously???? because he’s been the paragon of truth and virtue up until this moment??????

“apna hulia sudhaar ke aao. 5 min mein mrs. kabir banne waali ho. thoda standard toh match karo.” lmaooooo the sasss and disdaaaaaain he said that withhhhhh. boy knows he’s looking damn good today.

anyway blah blah shaadi has started. dadi is sad af. to the point where ishani is looking really concerned. i really love this soft ishani.

“kaash samay ka paiyya ulta ghoom jaaye aur mera vansh wapis aa jaaye mere paas.”

dadi, shoulda asked for world peace instead. just the one wish you had and you wasted it on getting your hellion pota back. 

some more in-room threatening of riddhima by mummy. while riddhima is throwing out last minute prayers to bappa and vihaan ki bas just do something and stop this whole shitshow.

vihaan ka toh pata nahi, the shady fuck, but bappa like:

i gotchu girl.

bhaari bhaari flashback waali walk down the stairs.

HE EVEN SAID THE MAA LINE AS VIHAAN IN THE VANSH VOICE. SHE GOTTA BE SOOOOO FUCKING STUPID MY GODDDDDDD.

ouffffff so much time wasteeeeeeeeeee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand....................

watch that he was wearing while falling off the cliff? ✅✅✅

wedding ring that was not found on the dead body????? ✅✅✅

“YEH SHAADI NAHI HO SAKTI” booooooooming across the whole damn neighbourhood in the fakest deep voice everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr???? ✅✅✅

———————————————————————

precap:

haan yeh sab toh theek hai.............. 😕😕😕

par asli sexxxxxxxxx waali chemistry idhar hai!!!!!!!! UNFFFFFF. 🤩🤩🤩

[monstertidbits]

laios + sugimoto 😲 hii rue ❤️

hi bonnn 💕💕 ill do sugi bc it will get too long otherwise ^_^

First impression: sexy sexy sexy man who's so hot and cute i was literally "sugimoto... 😍😍😍😍" after every single chapter. he also seemed to me like a kind of superhuman, legendary guy at first, the type of man who's incredibly lucky and capable, but chapter 6 made me realize he's much more human and vulnerable than he was made out to be at first, so i started caring abt him very early on.

Impression now: he needs a break and therapy and tons of love and fuck im sooo worried abt him. hes one of my fave gk characters right after shira koito and tsukishima, and he makes me so sad all the time like i just want him to be silly with shira and asirpa again :( at this point im not even sure how things will turn out for him, he seems way too close to giving up on himself and his own salvation entirely and its scary.

Favorite moment: sugi and shira's reunion in karafuto :) i love them so much and this moment always brings a smile to my face

Idea for a story: he lives a quiet and peaceful life with shiraishi and asirpa. thats it

Unpopular opinion: idk man, maybe that his relationship with ogata is way less important and developed in the story than some fans make it out to be... ppl get really weird abt them. he never liked the guy anyways

Favorite relationship: his relationship with shira!!!! theyre hilarious and their relationship is SO important to both of their characters they make me lose it. shiraishi being the first close friend sugi has in years, the one person he can consistently rely on in this crazy and brutal journey- and we know how hard it is for sugi to trust anyone, but shiraishi is still there for him, and it took a lot to build the bond they have now but they still managed to get there and stay together. sugi is just so much more calm and easygoing around him, and shiraishi manages to balance his short temper. it's really funny to think that if it had been up to them in the beginning they wouldve never seen each other again after their first encounter, but now their friendship is one of the most precious things they found in this gold hunt.

Favorite headcanon: i cant think of anything else rn but... you ever think abt the fact the girl sugi ended up taking care of during the manga is an orphan who lost her father just a few years ago... so what if she reminded him of his best friend's child, the kid who lost his father in the war. it's the first time he gets to see the perspective of a young child living with the loss of her father, and that's exactly the kind of life toraji's son is going to live- life without a father, where there's always this emptiness within the family. and the kid is so young he probably wont remember sugimoto's best friend as well as he does. sugi could barely bring himself to stand in front of ume after the war so im sure he didnt meet with toraji's son either, so what if his time with asirpa made the loss toraji's family experienced because he couldn't protect his best friend just that more real and painful... and it kills him, it really does.

[vanityloves]

🎫 here's a gush pass! feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other selfshippers!

oh man, thank you jsjsj ive gotten a few of these but ive been too anxious to actually go off ab my f/o but, lets fucking gooooo!

can i talk ab the actual animation of the source material is that allowed?

they gave us this but we ended up with

WHICH LISTEN- I enjoy n love regardless. I just find the contrasts in phases fascinating and funny. I loved his appearance in phases 1 and 2; what a fucking iconic character design. The animation is so endearing and amazing- the thicker lines, the fluidity, the range. Like the first gif that shows the vibrations of the vehicle in his shoulders/shirt? The simplistic art style was nice and even if hes Hard On The Eyes, I'm like 🥴 ok ugly ❤.

Not like the newer mvs are any less quality content - its nice to see the use of thick and thinner lines and there's definitely a different feel to it - more child friendly or easy going? Idk how to explain it. Murdoc as a character is still very, Not Child Friendly, and Im always like :cursed emoji: when someone says that their 14 year old watches their videos like help, his dick is out in at least 3 dif vids (censored ofc but man).

They definitely lost me after the 4th phase though and many people argue that the band/music lost its meaning, which i can honestly agree with (esp when they didnt name officially name 4, 5 and 6. Im p sure ppl refer to 4 as We Are Still Humanz).

I was never an avid/active fan of keeping up with the characters and didnt really think they had any story anyways, i was like "feel good inc is sexy. melancholy hill's a banger" so honestly, finding out that these apes actually have lore was fun.

Murdoc being the given this tragic backstory made my eyes Zoom, and ofc I was like "oh youre funny looking and sad. I want you ♡." In a weird way, I take a lot of comfort that 'we both have shit parents' and 'no one really thought we'd amount to anything'. to be fair, i haven't accomplished anything yet, and even if hes a bunch of pixels who i know doesnt really exist, its kind of motivating bc he never gave up? A literal quote from him being "If there’s a dream in your heart, never let anyone tell you you’ve got no talent. Get out there, embarrass yourself, and prove to the world you’ve got no talent." With how many failures hes faced he never stopped trying to prove himself worthy of attention and fame and love, which is ambitious and kind of intimidating with how much confidnece he has.

Hes a complete bastard of a man and not even close to being a good person. He's definitely complicated but can be boiled down to "just an abusive asshole", which, hey, fair. I hate the way he treats 2D, its so toxic and terrible. Honestly, its inexcusable and he needs to apologize, grow and learn a LOT and god knows he needs therapy.

I think the most tragic thing ab his character is that he basically ended up like his father and to some extent, he acknowledges it. His bad habits and behaviors stem from abuse and neglect which doesnt excuse his actions but, "man hands on misery to man." I feel like theres a haunting part to his whole life - we don't know much about his mother and brother but from assuming things, I know they weren't innocent, clean, or soft spoken, let alone, kind. I think he has a "It runs in the family" mentality and gives into it bc there's no use in running from something so deeply engraved within him.

But as a man of contradiction, hes shown to care, despite "hating everything, including himself". To be short, his father was a failure and a man thats never worked for his own money, so he contradicts that and escapes that part of 'failure running in the family' by forming Gorillaz. I do think theres something way more ab his character in that regard. I think theres a lot that he needs to work on but he's escaped a part of that mindset, and his 'Plastic Beach'. I wonder what theyre gonna do with valley of the pagans thing.

I guess as a band, theyre not gonna show a lot of "behind the scenes" stuff like that. We wont know if he ever gets help, or apologizes, or even feels sorry - its up to us to decide which is a safe game to play on Their Behalf.

People are upset that hes actually cleaned up a bit and is shown to be nicer bc they miss having that disgusting, cruel man which again, I understand. He has always been the antagonist to the entire band. But as someone that likes to see people happier n mellow (or, boring) rather than doing shit and compensating for their depression, its nice to see that type of development (or downgrade, depending on how you see it).

This could be Their (read: jamie and damon) way of being lazy by making him 'mellow out w/ age' or whatever it is. It definitely seems to woobify his character and intentions but well, His Main Goal, Was To Blow Up. And Act Like He Dont Know Nobodaaayyy argargarg and guess what? He's already made it- he's successful, he's rich, he's famous, he's adored. Now what? Maybe this is just his way of taking it easy from here on out - who knows.

Gorillaz definitely took a turn after all the brand deals so it lost its meaning (since one of the phases had a 'fuck capitalism' message) and with that, Murdoc is no longer allowed to be the stank bitch hes was always meant to be, no more obvious sex and drugs, for the new gen 🥴 ironically a lot of songs 'today' are always complained ab being ab sex, drugs, and whatever, but they def needed to step on the breaks when Money/Companies got involved. So here we have The Wigglez 😌💕

ANYWAYS, I LOVE HIM LOTS, HAVING MANY THOUGHTS

[gwisingegooli]

honestly being a hot girl and growing up as one in your formative years probably gives u such a weird perception of the world — cause men treat u hella weird all the time, they want something from you. sexist women are your enemy. you feel like you have to uphold the stndard as the hottest woman while internally you dont actually feel that way

as someone who grew up as a sick, goofy nerd and not basing my value in my appearance i am so thankful lol. this is why i hated men so much post puberty after my glow up. i was like wtf is this sexist fucking treatment. why do they all not act like a good friend and instead they do al this weird manipulation. why is my value suddenly all in my appearance. why am i being objectified as a sexy object and nobody cares to be my friend.

i hate it!!! i hate these weird fking gender roles. like we could all be friends yknow, and appreciate each other and learn from each other. and again it is ok to have romantic intentions or even sexual intentions towards people. but making people feel BAD?? or like an OBJECT?? like a failure if they dont perform “sexy” enough for you??

ultimatey i just need to not perform for these ppl. or since the relationship is built solely on superficial bullshit, once you’re not sexually attracted to each other you guys have no value to each other anymore.

but like why is it so many men. who dont know how to have meaningful, wholesome friendships.

also so many men don’t know that they shouldn’t be enabling this behavior tbh. like men are so fking passive and dont stand up for the right thing all the time. same w women too i guess. idk like if the majority of ppl arent fking NORMAL HEALTHY ppl then the vibe is immediately off. like as a feminist if i’m in the minority it is so hard to fight the bullshit rhetoric people spew about women. and even the guys who dont agree dont know how to be allies and choose to be silent rather than rocking the boat. fking enablers.

anyways yeah i’m distancing myself from those vibes bc i dont wanna be in their sad little shitstorms, and then when theyre old and alone theyll realize they wasted their time on all of these superficial relationships to overcompensate for how sad and alone they feel on the inside, because they wanted to seem cool to people they dont een care about. or bc theyre just h word all the time and dont know how to prioritize meaningful relationships over short term societal values.

IS THIS WHAT U WANT FROM LIFE? ITS OK TO ASK FOR MORE. being friends w women is so much better than the endless circle jerk over new hot women who are happy to manipulate you.

i miss being a kid sometimes lol when did it all get so weird between heterosexual men and women

[kendrixtermina]

The Recruitment Freebies: Thoughts on Sylvain and Felix

Now when it comes to recruiting characters, there are 2 who kind of stand out and are, in their own way, somewhat ‘easier’ to get.

Sylvain joins you automatically if you’re playing fem Byleth, whereas Felix actually requires high stats/abilities that no one else does but since your primary weapon is most likely going to be a sword anyways and he requires sword skill, he’s actually not so hard to collect. Given that they’re both handy units (Felix kicks butt like no tomorrow, Sylvain is pretty customizable and gets a relic early on) you’re sorta encouraged to snatch one or both.

If you’ve seen them in their original environment, you’ll easily notice why: They’re kind of the kingdom’s token cynics. 

[Longer Essay Under The Cut]

The Initial Situation

One thing that stands out right away is that the Blue Lions are one of the tightest-knit groups: The Black Eagles have sort of vaguely heard of each other because most the imperial nobility lives in the capital and the one commoner used to be famous, but that’s it, only Linhardt and Dorothea really express any regret over betraying Edelgard if they do, and their fates don’t differ that much by whatever faction they’re in - Ferdinand is certainly sad to see the Empire itself go down (see that amusing line about an ‘Adrestia-shaped hole in [his] heart’) and has a minor existential crisis when his family’s lands are confiscated after he spend his whole life preparing to rule them, but while he gets that line wondering what might have become of him if Byleth had chosen a different path, he pretty much always becomes a statesman no matter who winds up on the throne.

The Golden Deer, meanwhile, are from wildly different backgrounds and even Claude just showed up last year. If they stay together, they eventually become a tight-knit group under Claude’s leadership (except Lorenz, if Byleth’s not with them), and if you recruit em,  they will largely pursue their own interests as they were never too unified to begin with, with most of the commoners saying they were never that involved in politics, and most of the nobles acting out of self-preservation or opportunism.

By contrast, most of the Blue Lions know each other personally and will be pretty conflicted about defecting from the Kingdom if you recruit them, and it’s no wonder:

Sylvain, Felix Ingrid and Dimitri were childhood friends and all big weapons enthusiasts, Dedue has followed Dimitri everywhere he went for the last few years, Anette’s father worked for Dimitri’s, Mercedes is Anette’s BFF from magic school and while Ashe didn’t know the others before since he was a poor village kid before Lonato took him in, he becomes fast friends with the rest of them due to their shared admiration of knight stories.

So in this more idealistic and old-fashioned groups, Sylvain and Felix can be thought of as the token cynics or more independently-minded characters. This is most obvious with Felix: He sticks out like a sore thumb, vocally expresses his dislike of the others and their values and basically keeps to himself on the training grounds, and its only through the other’s doormatsey dispositions that they seem determined to ignore his hostilities and continue considering him a friend whether he wants to or not. He doesn’t fit in with the other Blue Lions at all.

Sylvain, meanwhile, doesn’t stand out that much at first glance, he seems like another fairly common character archetype in the silly childhood friends lineup and gives Ingrid plenty of cause to get into Mom Friend mode,  but the whole thing with him is that while he pretends to be a hedonistic oaf, he’s actually something of a brooding intellectual type underneath, very ‘byronic’ overall.

Ultimately, both of them are motivated by a desire for, and love of freedom. (which is probably why a lot of ppl think they’d be a compatible and interesting as a romantic couple - for all their outward difference, they have a common ‘core’ there)  Sylvain has been treated all his life like his life and power don’t really belong to himself and he desperately strains against those binds by acting out, and Felix finds his countrymen to have a bit of a grostesque lemming mentality and wants no part of that.

At the same time both show their ‘cynism’ in very different ways, and neither of them is a ‘complete’ cynic, but the areas where you find their residual idealism are also different. I would say that Felix’ cynism is more apparent, while Sylvain’s runs much deeper, but more on that later.

Though he cares little about maintaining a reputation and indeed seems to sorta seek out or get a kick out doing what his father would hate, calling himself a ‘good for nothing/scoundrel/ someone who’s going to hell’, to sorta go against that pressure to be a good kid, when it comes down to it he’s actually still pretty honorable and does actually believe in The Power Of Friendship (as noted by both Ashe and Dimitri - it’s probably why they like him) He’s inclined to be a Good Guy, he just doesn’t want the pressure that goes along with it.

It reminds me a bit of that one Fiona Apple song: “Do I wanna do right? Of course./ But Do I really wanna feel I’m forced to/  answer you?/ Hell no!”

Felix meanwhile - well. Some might say he’s tsundere, and I suppose he is, stock phrases wise, but to put it more specifically what he is is counterdependent.  Which is a word commonly used to describe that teenage behavior of always doing the exact opposite of what your parents or the mainstream do, thereby being just as influenced as a dependent person. It’s closer to being dependent than indepedent - He wants badly to be independent, but doesn’t really know how. He still very much has attachments to his father and his oldtime childhood friends, he just rejects them fiercely, because between Glenn’s death and his first deployment to Sreng, he came to see that attachment as something that will destroy him, something incompatible with self-preservation. He still dearly loves Rodrigue, Dimitri and the others, but he doesn’t want to be like them. He wants to be free, he’s a reasonable man and sees that they’re all walking off a cliff and he doesn’t wanna jump of of it, but his opposition is so absolute because some part of his kind of wants to.

At the same time he’s not entirely a complainer for complaining’s sake. Though very fighting-focussed he has his own strong code of ethics and standards- Dimitri markedly falls short of them. They’re not that different, Felix too feels the wide open wound of being still bonded and attached  to people who aren*t there anymore (”Training for a duel with a corpse”, as he puts it) - But while Dimitri let it eat his life (though there’s more complexity here of course but that would derail this into a whole different essay), Felix kinda errs on the opposite side of pushing down all attachment, but at the same time, he does it because he’s concerned with saving the ones who are still alive. That’s the point he stresses in his paralogue where he argues with his father, “We’re here to protect our subjects”. He wants to protect himself, yes, but he also wants to protect other people. He’s all about that.  He wants people to protect themselves not glorify throwing their lives away.

Which is why despite all his vocal complaining he still ultimately hangs out with the others, cannot help but worry about their wellbeing etc.  They might be negative bonds now but they’re still very much bonds.

Meanwhile, in Sylvain’s case the cynism comes not from rejection but disillusionment and distrust. He’s a good guy but his ability to form bonds is almost completely destroyed. All his life he got showered with fake conditional love while being presented with an example of what would happen if he didn’t stay in ppl’s good graces: His brother, who’d been dropped like a hot potato. I don’t think he can think of himself as good; He kinda got treated as an unfair existence the moment he came into the world.   At least if you get no love, you still have the hope that you might eventually get love. But fake love? Fake love poisons everything. It’s disgusting wrong, it’s not really for you and it just makes you wanna get rid of it by any means neccessary. Speaking from experience here.

Apart from the bonds he got with his childhood friend and those with exceptional people skills like Byleth, Mercedes and Dorothea, he doesn’t really trust anyone beyond a certain level.

But that’s a subtle distinction.

At first the most apparent difference, and the first contrast to come up in their support chain, is focus. Felix responded to the unpleasantness in his past with absolute laser focus, particularly on fighting and becoming stronger, whereas Sylvain avoids ever the appearance of focus like the plague, downplays his capabilities and chases distractions in a way that may be rather relatable to those of us who had the whole weird-ass Gifted Child Experience. Hence, Sylvain might come off as extravagant/frivolous while Felix appears disciplined, even ascetic.

This is also apparent in how its implied that they “jump ship” - Sylvain does it on a whim because of fem Byleth’s ample bosoms, (whereas man Byleth needs to impress him with reason skill which ties more into his hidden dephts) whereas with Felix it would tie into his pursuit of strenght and how he focusses on that more than anything else. Byleth stands out as a badass, so Felix juins his class or that’s his reasoning in the dialogue he gets.

But at the same time what we see here is that both were born with great natural power but don’t want that defining their lives. Sylvain downplays and refuses to use his, while Felix is determined to get straight that he actually “earned” through his harsh discipline and dedication, and vocally disavows conventional wisdom (”Crests, lineagle, knighthood... all trifles. Only strenght and skill matter”)

Post-Timeskip

So while a lot of characters like, say, Dorothea, get alot of the same dialogues in each route, others kind of get different little arcs depending on where they end up - for example if you recruit Lorenz for the empire he will at first join out of pure opportunism (that, and trying to get mercy for his corrupt-ass father), but then towards the last few months, he’ll actually come around to Edelgard’s way of thinking.

Felix is one of the characters whose dialogue differs the most by route - church & Alliance overlap a lot though with a few pointed differences, and his ending narrations are totally different depending on whether you recruited him or left him with the Kingdom. Of course, this would have to differ to an extent as he can’t exactly become Dimitri’s right hand when there’s no Dimitri, but the outcomes are starkly different to the point that even his paired endings with different characters all have two versions.

In the Kingdom route he generally succeeds his father whereas in the other routes, he typically renounces his title and becomes a mercenary unless his partner or BFF convinces him otherwise.

Unlike, say, Ferdinand, who does about the same thing regardless of who he ends up working under, for Felix the decision to ditch his classmates is a big big turning point, a choice

Sylvain by contrast has rather more similar endings wherever he goes and his dialogues are more similar - one highlight being how he has the exact same “history is written by the winners, whoever wins will say they’re right war will probably always exist...” lines regardless of whether he’s fighting for or against Edelgard. Whenever he isn’t commenting on the weather of their next destination or the general suckyness of the war, he remains mildly sceptical of whatever side he’s on, including one memorable instance where he refers to poor Hubert as “Edelgard’s idiot sidekick” and thinks they should try more negotiating, though he’s not blind to Dimitri’s flaws either when they go fight him.

Not really a big joiner or believer, this one, no illusions about how they could always be wrong, which perhaps makes it more touching how he invariably ends up becoming a peacemaker and activist after the war, basically becoming a fulltime do-gooder.

Since the inner mechanics with Felix are quite different, so are his outcomes. Sylvain’s gonna be like “I’m not optimistic but I gotta try doing the right thing”, no atter who he’s following, but you get a whole different Felix depending on what route you’re playing.

Because for him, wether to stick with Team Kingdom or not kinda represents a choice between his lingering attachment and his drive to reject that.

In the Kingdom route, he stays a lot more like he was in his academy days: Complains a lot, but still sticks with everyone to the end. He sort of fills the role of the contrarian number two, the one providing a contrastic viewpoint (while, Sylvain, while not optimistic, is no less stubborn about sticking with a friend in need than the rest of Team Kingdom)

He comes across as the Only Sane Man at times, esp. when he calls Titanic on the whole Revenge Trip to Gronder, “Iceberg ahead? ya’ll seeing the iceberg right?” but of course if you’re just complaining you’re kinda part of the problem - He muses that he must be crazy too, if he’s going along with everybody. Can’t bring himself to leave. Eventually that attachment wins out and he doesn’t even bother hiding it especially once Dimitri gets his act together. At that point he figures that the best he can do is to keep him on-course. Though they don’t go back to the same dynamic they once had, they go back to being BFF and the new dynanic is probably more useful to Dimitri as a counterpoint, they pretty much each succeed their fathers in proper Kingdom Manner and stay an A-team for the rest of their lives just like their das were. Idealism triumphs, though it’s a more matured, well-thought out one that is less about high standards and more about forgiveness/redemption.

It seems like he kinda became what he didn’t want to be early on (in the paired ending with Dimitri he even winds up in one of those chivalric tales he used to hate!), but it also looks like that made him happy. Maybe because it resolved the contradiction and tension within himself, all the energy he expends in rejecting his feelings of attachment, to like, actively not care about Dimitri.

I mean in their B support at one point he almost accidentally lapses back into Nerding Out About Swords Like Old Times - He needs to actively remind himself that he’s supposed to hate Dimitri now, and he does an even worse job at No Longer Liking the others.

Indeed when he gets what he ostensibly wanted, or rather what he wants to want, it doesn’t seem to make him all that happy - This was indeed the realization that prompted me to do this analysis. He goes full lonesome cowboy and marches off and he doesn’t sound all that happy about what he’s done, and his paired ending with Sylvain is one of the ones that makes it very obvious - In the Kingdom route, they stay Together Forever as they were in childhood, like they never got estranged at all. In the other routes it’s a sad, melancholic, darkly romantic thing about how Sylvain inherited his title, Felix came to help him out once and they never saw each other again, and Sylvain eventually gets a keepsake from Felix... and this is if you recruit them both. They get a sad enough dialogue if you grab only one and make them fight each other, but even if they run away together, essentially, they don’t become happy together.

The circumstances aren’t that different, if they still wound up in the same faction - But Felix is different.

Because he doesn’t just leave because of Byleth’s heroic charisma like many of the others - He  goes because, in essence, he is putting his pursuit of strength over his lingering attachments for his friends. To leave the kingdom means to actually become what he pretends to be. To actually become a lonewolf warrior who cares only about strenght rather than an ultimately loyal tsundere.

Which is where the above rambles about counter-dependency come to bear: He says he doesn’t care but he does, so much he can’t stop. So to take this step, which at the time seens reasonable and sane and free to him, is to cut off part of himself.

Though even here there are different gradations depending on where you recruit him to.

In the Alliance and church routes he simply jumps ship on the kingdom out of self-preservation. Sanity before Honor, just like he was always talking about. The kingdom’s in horrible shape, it can’t win, or so he sees it, Sylvain’s reasoning is pretty much the same but more resigned/sad (”There was nothing I could do”), after all for all they know, Dimitri is long dead (though Felix, always one with keen insight, suspect him to be alive a bit before he shows up)

Then Dimitri turns up alive, but promptly gets himself killed, and Felix regrets it. Every bit as much as other kingdom characters. He wonders if he could have stopped Dimitri if he’d been with him. He channels this into avenging Dimitri first on the empire and then on TWSITD, and starts using his name at this point.

Tellingly enough, he refers to the local afterlife beliefs that are so prominently featured in the Kingdom route. The ones that Rodrigue taught to both Felix and Dimitri and that likely played a role in the latter’s inability to forgive himself for all that Rodrigue is largely a good man who was a positive influence. He talks about “facing” Dimitri in the afterlife or allowing him to rest in peace much like Dimitri’s own talk about appeasing the dead - As much as he’d like to be Felix was not actually immune to his upbringing. basically he really regrets it.

The church and alliance routes differ somewhat in the dialogue before the last stage in a way that makes the church route seem “milder” - He considers working under Byleth once they become King/Queen, so he doesn’t seem quite as “lost”, whereas in the alliance route he expresses interest in dueling Nemesis. Not that far beyond his usual “must fight worthy opponents/ blood knight attude” but certainly more of an embracement of it and also very reckless, since as far as we knew the zombie horde is blazing an almost unhindered trail through the land and pretty much had Hilda’s renowned invincible brother for breakfast.

The empire route, of course, requires him to go even further - it’s one thing to evacuate a sinking ship, another to go a path where there’s a good chance that he’ll have to go against, and even fight/kill his former comrades. The game sure included tons of unique dialogue for this. You can even have his feud with his father end quite lethally, and Dimitri will even comment on it when you engage him. Ouch!

Right after the holy tomb scene most the recruitees’ dialogues are either some variation of “I’m scared but I trust you sensei” or “Now that she’s actually explained her reasoning, Edelgard’s got a point” - Felix’ is neither.

Though he’d presumably agree that Crests and Status are overrated, that’s not what he talks about. He says he wants to forge his own path, one that isn’t his father’s or Dimitri’s.  

He may or may not be doing the right thing but it’s for the wrong reason.

It’s a decision that’s perfectly logical if you feature in all factors except for his own heart - by which I don’t mean some bullshit 19th century “head vs heart” contrast but simply self-knowledge, which is necessary to make choices that you won’t regret, especially when the ‘correct’ path is ambiguous.

He wants to be free, deeply and desperate but, there’s also the counterdependency in play. He’s not going with the Empire because he wants to go with the empire, but because he wants to go against Rodrigue and Dimitri. Rejecting them to prove to himself that he can.

And turns out he can. He can cut em all down, with fairly unfazed Dialogue about how he’s going his own path, will never bow to the likes of Dimitri, will pursue strenght no matter who stands in his way etc.

They all curse him for betraying him, only Sylvain who’s not the sort to have much certainty about being right, gets more of a “sad/tragic” line about their childhood promise.

But that’s on the battlefield. Back at the monastery it’s a different matter. In this route he shows significantly LESS regret about what happens to the kingdom peeps - after all, he knew he’d be fighting them. He’s just completely embraced the ‘living to fight’ thing here and you get the sense that some other parts of his may have been lost in the process.

Ironically he says he killed more ppl than he can count and that he’s practically as bad as Dimitri now (”Your better world better be worth this”, indeed...) and while he’s completely unflinchingly resolute he’s not exactly unphased.

You can certainly understand why he’d end up as a restless sorta wandering mercenary  (interesting, too that if you pair him with Byleth they’ll go with him - interesting enough in its own right since that’s the sort of life they use to have before coming to the academy)

So I guess this could all  ultimately be seen as a parable on ‘be careful what you wish for’, or, more accurately, ‘know yourself before making wishes’.

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[szopenhauer]

if you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? my (now ex) friend had a stray give birth on her yard and she gave away all the puppies besides the one she kept, I chose the most scared and fat one lol

what kind of cheese is your favorite, or no cheese at all? Gouda

do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? love it <3

have you seen any of the old james bond movies? I hate James Bond movies, tried few and they were so lame

have you ever been in a hot air balloon? and if not, would you ever want to go in one? I’d like to try, maybe someday

do your parents buy you something on a daily basis? food 

is anyone else in the room with you right now? not rn

do you collect anything? shitload of stuff

do you have a pool in your back yard? no and don’t want to own one

do you watch youtube videos often? how often is often?

do you wear mascara? no, I don’t see the point of mascara tbh

do your parents fight?  sigh...

have you ever watched a movie that’s in a completely different language, so you had to read sub-titles? plenty

do people with yellow teeth disgust you? mine are yellow, it’s hard to keep them well having GERD :(

do you wear rings? at times

would you like to have a universal remote, like in the movie, click? hmm...

do you get any magazines in the mail? my mom does

what was the last picture you uploaded to your facebook? snapchat one with peach filter

what’s something that you do that you know hurts people close to you? live?...

what was the last board game that you played? either Scrabble or Hollywood

do you get bloated at all after you eat? I have cascade stomach, GERD and IBS so...

when is your birthday - in winter, spring, summer, or fall? winter :(

you must pick (no, “neither” bullshit please): dying by being run over by a train or being thrown from the top of the eiffel tower? tower

who’s the most overrated celebrity of them all (yes, i know they’re all overrated - but pick one)? Beyonce

what do you wear the most - sneakers, flats, heels, boots, or do you just go barefoot? slippers XD

what’s better - short sleeve tops or tanks? short sleeve

black, blue, or red ink? blue

do you sometimes splurge on expensive, sexy lingerie? my most expensive lingerie (which is sporty) costed less than 20 PLN

what’s your favorite food group? grains?

don’t you just love sushi? never tried and don’t wanna, gross

if you walked in on your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/important significant other cheating on you - how would you react? I have several scenarios in my head 

how old were you when you lost your virginity? what even is virginity? you can have sex without losing it anyway

what annoys you the most about modern technology? hard to tell

do you prefer your chicks with long hair, short hair, or somewhere in between? I always went for girls with no longer than shoulder length yet not shorter than mine but now I date someone with very long hair

do you turn around when someone yells “hey!!!” even if you’re not sure if they’re referring to you or someone else? might

have you ever had that oh-so-embarrassing moment when you think some hot guy/girl is waving at you and/or flirting with you, so you wave back, only to realize they were directing it at the person behind you? they weren’t hot

who was the last person to come back into your life? my gf

is there anyone at your house outside of your family? in the garden

who was the last person you had a conversation with in person? my dad

what was the last piece of jewelry that you purchased? for myself or someone else?

how old are each of your siblings? 30+

how many different conversations do you have going right now? 0

do you think it’s weird to wear socks to sleep? it’s not, unless you sleep naked

have you ever gone swimming in a lake? yup

do you usually buy a new bathing suit every summer? I didn’t buy any swimsuit for ages, don’t own even one

what sucks most about the computer you end up using the most? what doesn’t suck about it, ugh!

what’s something you want to say to someone at the moment? I’m not sure

will you have sexual intercourse within the next two weeks? I won’t

has a boyfriend/​​girlfriend ever put alcohol/drugs before you? nah

do you like when people call you things like “baby”, “sweetie”, “hun”, etc? certain pet names are fine

will this friday be a good one? it’s not...

what’s wrong with you right now? everything?

have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately? angry and sad

are you wasting your time on someone? hope not 

when’s the last time you cried yourself to sleep? days ago

have you ever been in a perfect relationship? relationships aren’t perfect because no one is perfect and that’s ok

when was the last time you completely broke down? last week

honestly, have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j? nope

are you nice to the people you dislike? if I have to, I prefer to avoid them 

are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship? we are

your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say? no comment

would you rather date someone who is extremely protective or not protective at all? why do we have to choose extremes?

does sex mean love? to me

have you ever fallen asleep on someone? as a baby

have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? more than once

plans for tomorrow? nothing have you ever ridden a skateboard? tried the main thing you can’t leave your house without? clothes, I won’t leave naked does anyone know your password besides you? just me what are you listening to? Melanie Martinez when was the last time you changed in front of someone? this month what’s the closest black thing to you? what I’m wearing, computer mouse and keyboard too, my cellphone next to me is also black what were you doing at 8:00 am? fallen asleep again are you happier single or in a relationship? we’ll see if you had to get a piercing, what do you get? normal earrings in lobes you can get a puppy or a new car. which do you choose? car, I have a dog and don’t want another at least soon have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? my father is my bestie did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? it seems like it have you ever been arrested? noooo

what is a difference between the last two people you hugged? one is a female and one is a male  where is the next place you will go? for a walk - forest probably why did you kiss the last person you kissed? we’re dating

do you say sexy a lot? I don’t recall using that word  when did you last throw up? years ago? do you like to have long hair or short hair? short what is your favorite place you have traveled? Ełk? where do you keep your money? that’s personal what was the weather like today? warm do you want to cut your hair? meh what is your favorite place to shop? thrift? are you over the age of 25? I am are you going to have a good night? hopefully when was the last time you did the dishes? I just washed the knife

do you and your friends trade/borrow clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc.? no way

is your birthday ever on a holiday? which one? it was always on free from school time (ferie zimowe) and my friends been basically always sick so they couldn’t come 

are you friends with your neighbors? I say “goodmorning” to part of them and that’s all

do you think its weird when people talk to their pets like they’re people? not that I have whole conversations with mine but I happen to speak to them when I want to

do you like uggs? they’re great for winter slippers :3

describe what you typically wear on a hot summer day: T-shirt, sweatpants/leggings/pajama pants, panties/undies, socks, slippers or slip on shoes

what about a cold winter day? underwear, tights (when it’s very cold - under leggings), leggings (unless I’m home then sweatpants/pajama pants), socks, boots (if not slippers of course), long sleeves shirt, tunic or oversized t-shirt, sweater, vest, jacket, scarf, hat, fingerless gloves

do you like coffee? ewww, disgusting

do you like flip flops? same

do you like rain? especially it’s sound at night

do you like horses? they’re fine

what is the deepest pool you have jumped into? where? I don’t jump into pools or lakes/rivers

does it annoy you when people open your mail or text messages? people don’t do that :o

what magazine do you buy the new issue of each month? Moje mieszkanie

what is your favorite farm animal? chicken

have you ever driven a golf cart? I’m against golf so...

if a genie gave you 1 wish, what would it be? health, for all, forever

what is something that you shouldn’t like but do anyways? ask God

is there something you love dearly but knew you’d be made fun of for it? I guess

who is someone you always want to be happy, even if you aren’t happy alongside them? those close to me

does it take you a long time to get over someone you liked? it’s complicated

have you ever gone a week or more not thinking of your boyfriend/girlfriend that much? does it sadden you, or make you happy you don’t completely depend on a person? I didn’t go whole week without thinking about them at least once wtf 

is there someone who ruined your life? do you forgive this person? most of those ppl didn’t apologise, most of them don’t know or care, most of them are not part of my life

have you ever questioned your sexuality? when was this? how did it end? I thought I must call myself bi because I dated a guy even tho I wasn’t really into them but I realized that even having sex doesn’t mean I’m not asexual - trying things make you more sure of smth instead of changing who you are       

have you ever felt suicidal? constantly

do you know anyone who has had a miscarriage? or someone who can’t have kids at all? both are more common than you think

what is something you wish would have ended differently (ex. friendship or relationship)? what if I wanted some things to never end? does that count?

type the alphabet and stop at the letter of the last person you kissed: ABCDEFGHIJKLM eventually ABCDEFG (short version of the first name) eventually ABCD (surname) how was your day overall? it’s going so fast because I can’t sit down for long, parents call me every single minute to help them have you kissed someone more than 20 times? I didn’t count but who knows

if you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be? won’t tell you :P how often do you hold back what you want to say? sigh, it’s complicated it’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely? my gf ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? not many times but still how do you know the last male you texted? he’s my parent do you think the last person you kissed cares for you? they say and try to show that they do  do you laugh a lot? as for such broken person it’s A LOT  are you good at giving directions? I’m pretty bad at that what does your mom call you? by one of the versions of my name duh are you afraid of roller coasters? I’m afraid I’d puke  where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or everywhere? in front of the computer and when I’m home alone which happens very rarely are you wearing any make up right now? I don’t even own any makeup are you nice to everyone? pfft is it hard for you to be happy for someone else? oh well...

do you like bread crust or do you prefer it cut off? depends, usually eat it tho

what is the worst/hardest drug you’ve been offered, but declined to partake in? nothing hard 

do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant? I don’t want to think about it

is there a color shirt you’d never wear? tie dye or some tiny pattern that makes my head spin 

is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? what I don’t regret?...

would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? for a movie role

do you like the band mgmt?  I know couple of songs by them

do you like vanilla candles? I’m not into candles 

[theexecutionerssong]

I’m replying to everyone who’s sent me a message regarding the being nicer thing from yesterday under the cut because I don’t want to be annoying by publishing so many asks. thank you, all of you ♥

Honestly, I think it’s ridiculous that people are accusing you of sounding mean/rude etc. sometimes I think you’re still too nice to the rude anons and I feel like a lot of this is passive aggressive on their part. They come at you because they think you’re an ‘insider’ fan and they’re jealous, and if you come back defensively, then they accuse you of being rude blah blah blah. If these people are making your experience on tumblr a negative one then just ignore those asks and enjoy yourself bb! 

Hmm idk I mean it wouldn’t cross my mind to go after someone because they know some things I don’t? So they probably have a point somewhere in telling me I should be kinder, I know I can be short when I answers asks because I get so many and sometimes the same ones every other day so it gets a bit tiring...

hello! for sounding "nicer" i know when it comes to like texting friends and stuff. i always over use emojis and 'lol' bc i think when you don't it makes people (including myself) read it in a kind of boring/unimpressed tone in my head. LIKE HOW CAPS MAKES ME YELL IN MY HEAD LOL. (disclaimer: i'm a recent follower and find you nothing but nice. and you definitely don't owe any of us to go out of your way to type differently so you come across as 'nicer'. your english is fantastic!)

if I ever use lol then it’s because I find the thing extremely not funny and it’s ironic ahah I try to use emoji but when on my computer I can’t really be bothered... Thank you very much for your message!

I don’t think you’re rude, I think sometimes you get defensive because you’ve been getting the same questions over and over again and you must get tired. And you’ve talked about having insomnia so you must also be physically tired on top of mentally. That’s normal, we’re all humans. Don’t worry about it.

Yeah it’s true, I do get defensive when I’m more tired. Sometimes when I need to vent, I read my inbox outloud to a friend - the asks I don’t publish I mean - and it helps but sometimes I don’t have anyone next to me to do that with so I get cranky when I see people prying into the cast’s lives, asking personal questions, things like that. It’s hard to ignore when you read the same disturbing things every couple of days. Thank you ♥

You're not annoying at all, on the contrary, you're the sweetest! It's just that I think people are frustrated that you know so much without sharing, and maybe also the fact that you continue to think you're a normal fan, even though you're clearly "in". I don't know, I'm trying to understand... I think it might be jealousy as well.

The thing is, I can’t say for now how I’ve come to know some stuff because it would spoil way too much and I don’t know if I’ll even be able to ever. I’m not really “in”, that’s the thing. I am a normal fan, as normal as a fan who’s lucky enough to live in Paris and who could go to a lot of events - and that’s a couple hundreds of us. I don’t know how much the international fandom is aware of that but David and Niels and the cast know hundreds of us by name just because we were lucky enough to meet them several times. I’m not really more “in” than those other people. Some from the cast have not a clue who I am at all and others only know my @ on instagram because I send them the pics. I’m a bit closer to some for reasons I can’t talk about. The team got a lot of complaints about everything always happening in Paris and some fans ending up being more priviledged than others. I’m hoping there will be more events outside of Paris, maybe screenings or something in the future so it doesn’t feel as ~Parisian elite~ as last year.

I think you’ve always been receptive when people came to you with a different opinion and from what I saw, you’re always willing to learn. Some people are just too entitled and come barging in and that’s when you raise you hackles. It’s not really on you, it’s hard to be kind to everyone when people don’t always deserve it.

Hmmm yeah, my friends have told me I have strong opinions and don’t change my mind easily so... idk. I could maybe be more receptive, like you said, at times. I went from getting one ask every six months to dozens a day in a few weeks last year and it still blows my mind. I wasn’t ready for that. There must be people who disagree with me in my followers. Idk. Something I need to think about. Thanks ♥

bonsoir tumblr grandma! 💫 in my humble opinion, you do not come off as rude. I just think sometimes people tend to read what they wanna read and make the worst out of it. Plus, the whole Even season is a really touchy subject because everyone would love one and when such announcements of possibles seasons happen, they can't help but be hopeful. So of course they don't like it when they're told it's not gonna happen. You're not rude, you're just saying things they don't want to hear. 🤷‍♀️ ily!

I know how much people must be upset to see their hopes crushed, I was disappointed too back when I first heard about it, and my hopes were not that high to begin with since David had said before Eliott wasn’t considered as main. I get asks every week about Eliott being main, almost every gifset I make will have a tag about how whatever is clearly a reference to Eliott being main and I’m just like... let it go. Or talk about it on your own posts. I’m sad it’s not happening. Don’t rub it in my face, you know? I didn’t say anything for months and accepted it was the way it would be so I couldn’t complain but then Henrik mentioned it to someone at HOS2 and I thought that finally those asks and comments would stop but they don’t and it’s very tiring. Anyway, thank you as always!

I don't think you're rude and i don't know you irl it's just that some of your anons are creepy and acted so demanding like you owe us something and it pissed me off actually. Like those anon who asked something like you know this right? How you know abt this? Why you know the cast? It sounds so suspicious that you know them etc. these anons are so nosy like why so negative. Istg i thought they would interrogate you yesterday after you mentioned abt working with assa before skamfr.

I’m gonna say something I haven’t really shared in details before but it’s weighting on me. Some anons are really creepy, so I don’t publish them. For exemple, somebody found my spotify recently and through it found my old Facebook. My friends have sent me screenshots of people following them on their instagram after being tagged in my stories and they are always Skam stans, even when my friends have never posted about anything Skam related. Someone once went digging into my personal life so far that they could have ruined the theme of season 5 in september if they had decided to make what they had found public instead of sending me an ask about it. That shit is not okay. I blew up about this once last year and somebody told me “why do you make it sounds like we’re creepy fans of yours” and well, because some stuff IS creepy. I understand being curious but I will never share anything about the personal lives of the cast or anything that could spoil the seasons so I’d just like it if people stopped asking, you know? Thank you for reaching out ♥

gaëlle you never even once came off as rude (i started following you in february-march when s3 was airing). you're always helpful and patient. it's obvious when ppl go to cons/projos/meet the cast they might unintentionally find out smth that's not public knowledge. and it's a good thing actually that you don't immediately run here to share bc maybe a cast member didn't mean to reveal smth etc. in any case you don't owe us any information and those who demand answers are the rude ones

Thank you, love. yeah I’ve lost counts of how many times they’ve accidentally spoiled something at cons or screenings or in the background of ig stories, especially in the beginning. They are more careful now and some even let slip fake spoilers to see if it will spread (and by some I mean Axel after his play when he stays to talk to fans lmao). The fans who’ve learned stuff that way are usually super protective of the show though so nothing really spreads and that’s really nice to see - sorry Axel, joke’s on you ahah

Hi Gaëlle! Just want to say that I followed you because you always sound soooo sweet and sincere when answering asks. Never thought you're rude, even sometimes I thought you could be ruder because the ask was rude😂 Anyway, just thought let you know my opinion on the last ask, have a good day!🥰

Thank you darling. I’m sure I must have been rude at some point, I don’t think the anon from yesterday would have said that out of the blue, and I’m very sorry that I don’t realize it. Unless when people are REALLY rude then I allow myself to tell them to fuck off dfghjk

You don’t know me but I saw you a lot at HOS2, I recognized you from your instagram. Every time I saw you, you were cuddling people, laughing, singing - I heard you sing with your friends and Maxence joining in, it was adorable! The cheers the cast let out when they saw you come up for the group pictures weren’t fake. You have an aura around you that brightens the room. I really hope this isn’t too weird of me to say. I don’t think you could ever be unkind. You wouldn’t have so many friends otherwise - I mean, it looked like you do - and the cast wouldn’t have reacted like that upon seeing you. That alone convinced me you were a good person.

Oh my god I don’t know what to say. This is very unexpected, why didn’t you come say hi if you knew who I was? I wouldn’t have minded at all! Thank you, I don’t know what to say, really this is so kind. Have a lovely day. Thank you. thank you.

You're one of the nicest people I know, you're a literal bundle of love and sunshine (I'm not even kidding, really). And you're always so considerate about everybody when you're responding to asks that are asked NICELY... so really I don't know how you can come across as rude. And you deserve all the love 💕

Merci @littlhedgehog love you so so much and I’m so happy Skam brought us together. It’s been way too long since I gave you a hug ♥♥♥

and at 3 parts anon with advice who told me not to publish, thank you too, I’ll remember everything you said ♥

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[cowboyguts-moved]

hey jo do you have a link to all your ocs backstories ?

https://cowboyguts.tumblr.com/post/183365830587/tell-me-about-your-new-ocs

i have a link to this post i just updated! it used to have outdated info about everyone but me and tristan fixed it just now. it’s not by any means everyone’s entire stories and doesnt mention major plot points but its enough to get you started with each of em. that post only has the characters that are in mystic overhang. some others arent talked about because they all live somewhere else and mystic overhang characters are talked about the most anyway. if anyone has questions about them or parts of their stories please ask because theres no way i coulda discussed it all in that post l o l

me and tristan are gonna make carrds (they’re just info pages) about everyone that we can even the ones that arent in mystic overhang later on 

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 2.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 4k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ thank you so so much for all the notes and feedback for chapter 1! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! i hope you enjoy this chapter! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate. ♥ read part 1 HERE

                                    2.0  ♥ DEALS & FEELS ♥

(almost 5 years later)

HIM

I've dated girls, i've had sex with girls, too, but in the end, I never really fell in love. Love is a weird concept I have a hard time to grasp. Wanting to spend the rest of your life with the same person, living with them, always having them in your personal space... It didn't seem to be for me. I never had to share a house with anyone, and if I spent too long with people it actually bothered me. I needed my alone time, I needed space and time to relax and think, and there was no reason for me to give this up. At least, not now, and not soon. In fact, maybe I never would.

Did I still think about her? Yea, from time to time, but it seemed to have happened in an other life, and the only feeling inhabiting me was one of regret. I regretted the way I treated her, and the way we broke up. After all these years, I had to admit that my outburst was ridiculous. I was younger, stupid, and slightly more selfish. There was no excuse for the way our story ended and even if some people told me the blame was shared, I was ready to take all of it.

It was over and there was clearly not much else to add to this sad love story. I didn't know where she was, or how she was doing, but I like to believe if she needed me, Louis would tell me, since we were still extremely close. But we never talked about her. I knew he was still seeing her from time to time, even more often now that the band went on hiatus, but i never asked anything and he never shared anything either. We seemed to have this unspoken agreement to never discuss her and Iit was definitely better this way.

My solo career was going well, and on the rare occasion I could see my old bandmates, it was just like it used to be between us, especially when it came to Louis.

"Neil! Where the fuck did you put that damn watch!"

I chuckled, shaking my head as I opened the fridge to grab a beer. I threw the cap in the bin and leaned against the counter just as Louis rushed in the room, making me smirk more. His hair was a mess and watching him running everywhere to be ready on time was entertaining.

"Seriously, I can't believe I'm spending Christmas Eve without my girlfriend!" he mumbled under his breath, making me roll my eyes.

"Oh please, you two can spend ONE night apart, can't you?" I argued with a shrug. "Or is it some superhero thing where you both will start getting weaker and eventually die?"

Louis stopped dead in his track and turned to show me an annoyed face that made me laugh again.  His eyes became smaller and he pinched his lips. I knew he was half-joking and I played along.

"Some of us actually care about love, you know?" he expressed, turning around again to open my pantry. "And when I say 'some of us' I mean like, 90% of the world population."

I grimaced and took an other sip of my beer, putting it back on the counter.

"I'm fine being a part of the smart 10%." I admitted. "And I'm pretty sure you're not gonna find my watch there. Why don't you try the fridge instead?"

He closed the pantry a bit too roughly for me and turned to face me again. I loved Louis, I knew he was not holding back, not with me not with anyone.

"Yea I know, you're an eternal bachelor. When I first met El-"

I pushed myself from the counter to get back on my feet and cut him before he could add anything.

"When you met El you fell completely in love with her. You loved her through thick and thin, whether you two were together or separated. She's the love of your life, and you don't see yourself with anyone else but her. I know."

He stared at me and blinked a few times before nodding.

"Yes, and one day, you'll find yours, too." he said, making me scoff, as he walked past me.

"I've never loved anyone, and i'm not gonna start any time soon." I replied, turning to him.

He stopped walking completely, making me frown, and finally turned on his heels. His eyes stuck into mine, he waited a few seconds and finally shook his head.

"You never loved anyone?"

I frowned and shrugged, glancing away and putting my hands in my pockets.

"Nop, never."

I was lying through my teeth and just repeating it made my heart jump in my chest. I knew it and Louis knew it too. His gaze was burning me and I finally closed my eyes with a sigh. I didn't want to talk about it and I hoped he would let it go. He normally does, we don't discuss about that time of my life. Louis was my best mate, he could sense it, I knew it. He finally turned around and walked back to my room, yelling as he reached the hall.

"That's a lie, Neil! And we both know it!"

I was happy he was not in the same room anymore. I breathed in deeply, my eyes still closed, and tried to get all these thoughts out of my head. The first time I saw her, the first time I kissed her, the first time I touched her... and then, all these last times too. Falling in love was like trying to swim in quicksand: totally useless and scary. There was no way to get out of it, no way it would end well, no way not to hurt. Love was complicated and hard.  I didn't want a complicated life. I wanted things to be easy, and fun. I wanted to lay down on my couch at the end of the day and be content. I didn't want to owe anything to anyone and the obligations I already had were enough. To be responsible for someone's happiness was something I didn't want to take or risk. There was too much at stake, too many mistakes to make, too many hearts to break.

The more I thought about it, the more I tried to convince that I did the right thing, and that this relationship was inevitably going to end anyway, no matter how hard we would have worked on it.

I was completely stuck in my thoughts when Louis reappeared. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times before noticing he was putting my watch on. In his other hand, though, something was hanging on what appeared to be a necklace. A heart. I recognized it immediately and suddenly felt extremely nauseous. Why didn't I get rid of this again?

"Mate, I found this." he chuckled, moving his arm up and making the silver of the heart shine with the artificial light of the kitchen. "That's not your type of jewels, where is this from?"

I stared at it a few seconds and walked the few steps separating us very quickly, snatching it from his hands. The metal felt cold in my hand but at the same time, it was burning my skin in a way I couldn't explain.

"It's nothing, just something a girl I brought here forgot." I walked to the counter and opened one of the doors to throw it in the bin. "I'll never see her again anyway."

"You never bring girls here..." he started, realizing what I was doing. "Hey wait, it seemed quite expensive."

Of course it was expensive, I would never buy something cheap for her. I turned around and shrugged, reaching for my beer and trying to act like it didn't matter.

"What do you want me to do? Sell it?" I let out with sarcasm, chugging half of what was left in the bottle.

"Give it back, maybe?"

He rolled his eyes and walked up to me, opening the door to search the bin. I stopped him, closing the door again without saying a word. He looked up at me, clearly getting pissed at my behavior, but i didn't flinch. I didn't have to talk, the expression plastered on my face said it all. Louis sighed and backed away.

"Whatever, we need to go or we'll be late."

I followed him to the door and grabbed my coat, quickly putting it on before searching for a beanie that would fit.

"Is your son with your sister?" I asked casually, putting the beanie on and making sure it hid my ears. "I haven't seen him in so long."

"Yea, we'll just pick him up on our way."

As soon as we walked out, Louis rubbed his hands together and blew on them to get them warm and I closed the door behind us, locking it quickly. I followed him to his car and sat on the passenger's side, glancing back to see the cute baby car seat. It made me smile and I turned my attention back on the road. I was not a fan of Louis' driving, I thought he drove way too slow, but since it was his car, I tried not to comment on it.

"Thanks so much for coming with me Niall." he let out after a few minutes of silence. "I know it's mostly a christmas party for kids, and that it's not really your cup of tea, but I appreciate it."

I patted his thigh gently and shook my head, glancing by the window.

"Don't thank me, you're very welcome. I'm sure it's gonna be fun with a couple drinks."

"It won't last too long too, ya know we can go back to my place after and drink a few beers." he proposed with a shrug. "I know you're going home only tomorrow."

"Alright, deal, but not too late, I gotta fly early tomorrow."

HER

Whenever I looked at my daughter, she reminded me of Niall. At first, it was almost torture but now, after over 4 years, I was used to it. She caught some of my facial expressions, and she talked a bit like me, too, but when she smiled, I saw Niall, when she laughed, I heard Niall, and when she looked at me with her tired eyes late at night, I could see Niall. Every single time, my heart would jump in my chest before melting immediately. I loved my daughter more than anything in the world and the truth was, I had never really been over Niall.

There are people you know you'll feel connected to all your life. Those two, Niall and my daughter, were on the top of my list. I felt something for them I knew i'd probably never feel for anyone else, and even if I knew it would be better for my sanity to forget about Niall, I couldn't. I had tried, I had made huge effort, I even saw a therapist, but deep down, I knew he was the love of my life, even if I'd never be the love of his.

I sat on my daughter's bed and pulled her closer, sending her a small smile.

"Come on, arms up!"

She stared at me and did as I asked, raising her chin up at the same time. It made me smile and I put her dress on, pulling on it at the bottom gently.

"Alright, turn around."

She moved quickly and gracefully enough for a child, her hair flying around her head, along with the skirt of her dress, making me chuckle.

"I love that dress!"

I tied it on her back and licked my lips as she turned around again to face me.

"I knew you would, that's why I bought it."

Her eyes softened and she let herself fall in my arms. I brought her closer to me, holding her against me and hugging her tight. It was always so surprising to me that she'd be so grateful for things like that. Kids tend not to be that happy about little attentions and it's totally normal, but my daughter was different.

"Mommy?"

I smiled and raised my eyebrows, knowing she had clearly something to ask me. It was in the tone of her voice, and the way she glanced down quickly before looking back deeply in my eyes. Every single time, it made my heart jump. It was definitely just a coincidence, but Niall did the exact same time and somehow, I think both of them were aware I couldn't refuse them anything, or almost.

"It's Christmas and you always let me unwrap a gift every year."

I laughed again and shook my head, twisting her gently and grabbing a brush, bringing it to her hair. She didn't complain, but I knew her eyes were shut tight, as if it would stop the painful feeling of the knots in her hair.

"First off, it's Christmas' Eve, sweetheart." I pointed out, trying to be as gentle as I can. "And second off, you're gonna get a bunch of gifts tonight, which makes me believe you can wait tomorrow to open your gifts."

She didn't wait until I was done and made a volte-face, surprising me slightly but mostly amusing me. She tilted her head and sent me puppy eyes but I shook my head again with a chuckle.

"How about daddy's gift?"

That word always made my heart jump in chest and I swallowed the pain it brought me to send her an other fond smile. It was true. Every year, I tried to give her a gift from Niall. He didn't know of her existence, and she didn't know who he was, but I had a bunch of stuff that belonged to him or reminded me of him, and I thought it was more important for my daughter than it was for me.

Last year, it was an old t-shirt he left at my place and the year before, it was a guitar pic I pierced to put on a bracelet. I knew she desperately wanted to know her dad if only for the fact that her dad's gifts were always her favorites, no matter what i'd buy her. She was wearing the shirt every night to sleep and I had to literally wash it during the day because she wouldn't fall asleep without wearing it. As for the bracelet, she wouldn't even take it off to take a bath.

I looked at her and saw how bad she wanted it. I would even say she needed it.

"Alright, wait for me here."

Her expression turned into an excited one and I quickly walked to my room, grabbing a small box and getting back to her. This time, I sat on the floor and she got on her knees, sitting on her legs. Her dress was spread around her and all I could think about is that she seriously looked like a princess. Or at least, she would when I'd do something with her messy hair.

She stared at the little box in my hand, her eyes so large that her impatience was almost palpable. She didn't say anything though, she waited and waited until I handed her the box. It's not that it bothered me to give it to her, but this jewel meant more to me than I wanted to admit, and although I knew it was just an object, letting it go, even to my own daughter, felt like a sacrifice.

She didn't even take time to try to guess, she simply opened the box and her lips curled into a large smile. She stared at the silver key with a very small purple gem and my heart twisted in my chest again. This brought back so many memories I felt myself tear up but swallowed my pain and sent her a smile.

"You like it?"

She didn't look at me at all, she kept staring at the necklace, fascinated but after a while, I cleared my throat and licked my lips.

"Okay my love, it's time to go or we're gonna be late."

"Can I wear it tonight?"

I held my breath, knowing very well that she expected a positive answer, but if I wanted to be honest with myself, I was so scared she was going to lose it that it made me want to throw up. Perhaps she was still too young for that necklace, but now it was too late.

"Mm, alright, but you need to keep it under your dress at all times, deal?"

I raised my eyebrows, looking at her and raised my hand up in a fist, sticking only my little finger up. A large smile appeared on her lips, showing her cute slightly crooked teeth, and she finally did the same, intertwining her pinky with mine.

"Deal!"

I grabbed the necklace and put it around her neck, sighing as I watched it hang loosely on her chest. She grabbed it with her tiny fingers and put it under her dress quickly before shaking her head, making an even bigger mess of her hair.

"Hey! Come here you little minx!"

She started laughing and my heart melted as I grabbed her and threw her softly on the bed to tickle her. She laughed harder, her legs moving and kicking me, making me laugh too. It lasted a few minutes before we stopped and I tilted my head as she sighed exaggeratedly.

"Okay, your hair now."

I started brushing it and we kept silent, probably both lost in our thoughts, but when she started talking, I knew we hadn't been thinking about the same thing.

"Is uncle Louis gonna be there?"

"Mmhm, yes, he said he would. He's bringing Freddie." I added, trying her hair unto a braid.

I turned her around again and grimaced when i noticed a lock of her hair was falling. It was too short to stick in the braid and even if I was sort of used to it, it annoyed me and I quickly pushed it behind her ear.

"You are the prettiest little girl in the world, you know that, right?"

She sent me a smile and nodded. "Yes, I know!"

"Good."

I walked to my room and she followed me, as usual. We always got her ready first, and then it was my turn.

"Will aunt Eleanor be there too?"

I looked through my closet found a pair of pants that were not jeans, throwing them on the bed.

"No, she already had plans tonight." I replied, trying to find a shirt that would fit and getting slightly annoyed.

"I wanted to show her my dress! I wanted her to see it! She said I could model you know!"

I laughed and glanced at her, noticing her disappointed face.

"You know what? Maybe we can take a picture and send it to her, how's that?"

I watched her quickly nod and did the same, walking back to my bed with a shirt of the same color shade as the pants. I hated getting dressed and I had no idea what was the point. If I could go in sweatpants, I definitely would.

"Noooo no no!"

Without giving me time to react, my daughter walked up to my bed, grabbed the outfit I had picked and tried as best as she could to put it back in my closet, without much success. It ended up in a pool on the floor but I decided to ignore it.

"It's Christmas!" she pointed out, her eyebrows raised as high as possible. "You're putting on a dress."

Her words were firm and her statement final, so I decided not to argue even if being uncomfortable in a dress for the whole evening seemed to be the worst idea I had heard today. We spent too long finding a dress in my closet since I was not even sure I actually owned one but when we were both ready, I got down on my knees to put her some baby pink lipstick with glitters.

"You look perfect." I pointed out.

"You too mommy, your make up in on point."

Her comment made me laugh and I bopped her nose gently.

"Yours too."

The ride was quick enough and we blasted our favorite spotify list on the way, singing loud together as I glanced at her a few times in the rear view mirror. We had out habits and I knew how close we were. We had people we loved and that loved us, but at the end of the day, it was just me and her, and I liked it that way. I wish someone would have told me five years ago how happy i would be with a daughter, but when I thought of the time I was pregnant, all I could really remember was crying myself to sleep every night and feeling extremely lonely. When I gave birth, however, it was a new beginning, and that new life was everything I wanted, everything I could have wished for.

I parked where I could and we walked inside together. I didn't even try to find Louis. knowing he would send me a text when he'd be there and I made my way to get myself a glass of wine, holding my daughter's hand firmly.

"There's chocolate milk, you want one?" I asked over the Christmas music playing.

She nodded quickly and I opened one for her, slipping a straw in it and handing it to her. I poured myself a glass of red wine and suddenly felt something pulling on my dress.

"Mom! The tree! The tree and the gifts!" she yelled looking up, showing me her perfect chocolate mustache. "Can I go!"

I sent her a smile and nodded.

"But stay where I can see you!"

"Promise!"

She ran away and I walked closer to the tree to check on her, staying up but leaning against a wall. A voice made me smile and when I looked up, I noticed Louis walking in, his son in his arms. I waved and he saw me, sending me a big smile and pointing me to Freddie before grabbing his small arm and shaking it to make him wave at me too. I laughed and they walked in my direction, my smile growing with every step they took.

"It's so nice to see you, Lou." I let out, kissing his cheeks.

"You too, where's the little princess?"

I pointed out next to the tree and Louis smiled again as we both stared at my daughter. She had already made friends and it made me chuckle.

"Look, I don't have time to explain, but please, love, forgive me."

I frowned and turned to look into his eyes, noticing guilt written all over his face.

"What for?"

He sighed and glanced back. When his face turned back in my direction, he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Just, I hope you forgive me one day."

I opened my lips to ask for more details but I didn't have to. I saw him, and my lips remained parted. He looked good and my heart jumped in my chest. It's been five years, five long years without him, and I thought I was almost healed. But here he was, his charming smile and his light and powerful eyes, and I was in it again. Totally ill. I held my breath as he turned around and when he noticed me, we stared at each other, both speechless and surprised by something we would never have expected : each other.

[astra-inclined]

liveblobbin

Before You Turn to the Knife - I just got back from a little weekend trip and I saw this and I’ve been WAITING TO READ IT AHHH @anbu-legacy

So, years of Legacy celibacy and now 😉 smash city.

HAKONE.

““To have hot chicks throw themselves at me the way they do at you.” Hakone’s voice was clear and sharp. “Also to make sure Hatake didn’t actually murder you.” Oh my GOOOOOOD the rumor mill must have the craziest shit about them fighting after their. Public display I’m.

Henge sex already on the table.

“He wasn’t late.” /These two/

“The receptionist looked up gratefully. “Can I help you, ojii-san?”  

Kakashi tipped his damp grey head at her. “You’re new, aren’t you?”” I love this. I love people not knowing him and his old people hair

“Kakashi made a mental note to review confidentiality with Naruto the next time he saw him. And, he suspected darkly, with Minato’s ANBU guards. Gossipy bastards.” Oh my godddd NARUTO. But he is a child and I definitely remember telling everyone at school absolutely everything about my family’s personal life. But omfg this child

“They can impair your blood clotting,” he added for the benefit of the kids, in a very good mimicry of Genma’s teaching voice.” I am 200% on board with Ryouma’s future in medicine I love him so much

“Ohno’s face cleared. “The people-puddle ninja!”” /Naruto/

““You actually had a conversation in the coffee shop?” And had gone all the way to Higher Grounds, when there was a decent coffee bar in the hospital cafeteria.” It’s like it’s adorable but also Ryouma’s standards of “wow someone’s so good to me” is so basic im gonna die

““I said I wanted the most ridiculous, over-sweet thing they had,” Kakashi reported, “and she asked ‘How’s Ryouma?’” He’s so popular around the city I love it (although I think I’m mixing in that one fic with the music but shh)

“Sakai prodded the boy with one of her ugly-but-comfortable medic shoes” Why is this so true…..when I started the nursing program they showed us some usual “options” and they’re all ugly as sin :’| and our school uniform made us get entirely white ones and lemme tell you..,,mine aren’t looking so hot hahah

“We’re not that skilled, so we waste energy and use more of his cellular metabolism, and ours, which exhausts us both.”” UGH okay With this whole medical scene 1. I LOVE how distinct you managed to make every little baby medic character in such a short amount of time and 2. I love how detailed you guys are about the rules of everything with like jutsus and medical stuff

“I don’t want to see Genma pouring himself out. Or Kakashi or Raidou, bleeding out. “ :’( I’m gonna be so happy when he starts healing ppl. This sad baby.

“Why was he even telling her this? He wasn’t her student. He wasn’t officially a medic trainee. She didn’t know him, or Genma, or ANBU—

But she listened, anyway.“ Wow alright hitting with real life medic feels- she is INSPIRING ME. I hope I take care of people and patients and everyone I come across like this augh.

“Kakashi’s insistence on existing near Genma was transient at best, but he wasn’t inclined to argue with a man experiencing some kind of flip-flop-related life crisis.” OH MY GOD I’m so happy Hungover to the point of sunglasses+flipflops Genma is featured in this chapter. What a fucking image. I am inspired

“now Kakashi had to deal with consequences. They were mostly the consequences for his own actions, but still.”

“Genma, who would have usually chastised Ryouma for eating in the street, said nothing.” :’| What don’t they get chastised for tho

“Ryouma bristled. “Worthy?”” when is ryouma NOT on edge at a potential slight against anyone on his team lmao

Ooh I love the mouse liver thing – Animals talking in ways we’d perceive as like “k weird animal thing”, but Kakashi knowing that they’re trying to offer actual advice. UGH I love how involved Kakashi + summons are in this fic D’: He’s the dog man

I AM SO EXCITED FOR CAT SUMMONS. CATS…!!!!!

““They take a blood sample in a thin tube and spin it on a centrifuge so the red cells all settle at one end, and then you can measure them,” Genma explained.” What a fun medical chapter; my bestie just donated PBSC’s yesterday and was hooked up to a big centrifuge thing for a few hours.

 THIS CHAPTER WAS AMAZING FOR SO MANY REASONS AND SO FUN WOOOOW.

I am SO happy that they had a little team moment at the end and at least have all finally seen each other again and things are on a better path of being okay ugh. I love love love love everything about this! It’s been so nice seeing everyone not on a mission for a little bit. Genma skulking around a conbini looking like he does is A+, thank you.

[unrrrreliable]

07.01.2022

its midnight now lol

anyways, on autumn break we decided to go to amsterdam, everything was going fine until like 3 days before the day we were supposed to go i realized the tickets i had bought werent valid anymore because the airline (alitalia) had gone bankrupt. long story short, i had to tell her, she got really mad (not at me - maybe yes but she didnt say in case-) and my mom got really mad, i felt like shit bc i didnt care to change the tickets after the arline had announced it was shutting down (3 weeks prior). anyways, after that i noticed that maria was just acting different. kind of apathetic, really not that excited. we get to the airport (i bought new tickets), it gets better, but as soon as we get to the hotel in amsterdam she kind of loses her sparkle. whatever, she sprobably tired. throughout most of the trip tho she remains like that. like u can see she’s not excited excited yk. the second and third night we met up with some friends of hers from ukraine. 1st night: started off nice, we met up at kfc and i ate a bucket of 20 chicken wings (worst decision of my life). after finishing eating we go straight to the coffee shop, i get my fake id ready and we get the weed. sativa. second worst decision was inhaling that shit like it was ventolin. after like 5 minutes and 3 pulls i start feeling really weird, no force, wanna vomit, get really hot and dizzy, i just storm out the coffee shop and try to puke but nothing goes out. i sit down in the street (it was an alley w a bunch of ppl - friday night-) and try to not throw up. stomach gets kinda better but atp im fucking baked. we get (they) a tavble at a nearby sandwich shop and they get me a coke. they sit me down for like 1h and im just plunged in oblivion. everything fades in and out, marias records me, idgaf. 1h later i feel like im able to walk so i try to and surprisingly dont fail. we rush to the bus stop, im still stoned and can barely keep my head up, they just run like that was the last fucking chance to get to their hotel. maria says were going to their room wo asking me if i even wanted to but ok. while we run to the tram stop shes just running with them like 5m ahead of me and occasionally looks back to check on me. idk why i got mad at her after that but whatever. we then get to our room, i staert feeling better, at this point theyre only speaking and russian and ofc i dont understand shit. at some point she looks at me and goes “can u go to sleep i wanna have fun”. again i got kinda sad when she said that but i really just pretended i didnt understand what she had said. thay went outside for like 10min to smoke again and then came back. the rest of the night isnt really relevant.

so 2nd night was a little spicier. red light district, we went to see a live sex show lmfao. just some strippers and ppl fucking in front of us. nothing that special tbh but it was funny. after that we go to a coffee shop and smoke there for like 2h. at the beginning i ask some random questions in english to her friends n shit but they just give short answers and than switch back to russian. she doesnt really seem to care, matter of fact at some point she goes “sorry im too high to speak english” like damn i didnt know weed makes u retarded but whatever. 

the following day were at a normal coffee shop having breakfast and when coming from the bathroom i peep at her phone and notice she posted a story on her close friends. i grab my phone and look for it while shes in the bathroom but dont find anything. i check her highlights (where she has some regular stories and some from her close friends) the close friends ones are gone. wierd. i vividly remember that she was checking the views and there was a green tag so i know it was hers. tbh i think it was a video of me stoned af, not that i care too much but the fact that she removed me from the stories to post that really says a lot. the video in itself isnt that bad but i had asked her not to post it. 

so yeah other than that theres also the fact that she would be on her phone all the fucking time. on the bus, tram, at lunch, while we were eating. fucking great. 

when i confronted her about all this she made up some shit - she acc aknowledged the speaking russian thing thing, but she said that she was just checking social media bc we had been talking the whole day so it was kind o flike a break - makes no sense but whatever. 

anywaysssss back to my birthday: yeah after the trip our friendship kind of fell off. not that we stopped being friends, but i ignored her for a week bc i was genuinely mad at her for said reasons. eventually she apologized but the close friends thing made me realize that were not close friends at all (sorry for the pun - its genuinely not meant to be “deep” but thats the simplest way to put it). like why did you hide something so blatant? also just in general her mood was just off. and she really didnt make an effort to cheer up. so yeah after we made up i really started looking at her a different way. i didnt fully express what happened in amsterdam on here but it was just a lot of sketchy shit. as in, i dont think a true friend would do this kind of stuff.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

this one for the special club of ppl who have no friends

idk abt yall but even for myself im not sure exactly how long it took me to work out that i was & had been more isolated than the avg person over my life & realizing that the feeling i had since ever being around a group of ppl (preschool) that i couldnt fit in or have more than like, one friend that was mostly defined as “wanted to actually play together at recess or smthing”, was just actually generally true. idk what it is but you know what its like when ppl have some tendency to ignore you. or quietly gain contempt for you because they think you’re weird, which i havent known to stop being true between like 10 yr olds & ppl in their 20s. when ur being talked over even in a group you’re supposed to be in and its like listen. what is going on that this happens so much

anyways when you have no friends its always wild when anyone does show up and actually act like a friend more than like once & show the slightest interest in you as a person. for me though i did have to learn to just not care as much when this happens because its like the sheer math of it all yknow. a person who is used to having like, a more avg number of friends across life is gonna make a friend and be like “oh man awesome” but on the other end of things when u have only a handful of friends and/or little access to friends &/or no close friends, getting a new friend seems way more significant because its like wow this is only 1/18 in my whole life or something. whereas for the other person you are 1/143 idek. not to say that each friend is less important to someone who has more of them. but it is less of a big deal to gain a new one, and a new person theyve just been talking to a bit IS going to be a less important friend

where this is going is just that, never having friends = everyone else being a big deal to you, but you arent a big deal 2 them....a lot of wondering why you always like ppl more than they like you. in my experience its not fun so, with the motivation to stop feeling terrible over that repeated revelation, and also figuring out that its because being so isolated / having few to no Reeeaalll Friends = valuing new friends way more than they value you, rather than just that everyone definitely hates you....i personally have tried to stop caring less about getting the opportunity to talk to new people.

thats not to say i dont enjoy it or value it or like the people i talk to.....i do enjoy it, im a social person in my own way, and i appreciate it when it happens b/c i dont consistently have conversations with anyone. i just don’t get excited abt a potential friendship or expect to ever reach what feels like a real & solid friendship w anyone. i have picked up a few ppl in the past like 5 yrs i do consider friends but its always taken a while to get there.

its kind of funny because like i said i AM kind of social & i do really care about people i get to grow a bit close to.......there is definitely plenty of ppl i dislike right away & have the opposite interest as being friends with them....but when i do like ppl, idk, i like to try to support them and be nice to them and be there for them in the usually tiny ways i can.....i love to talk to people actually. in person when im actually comfortable, i can actually come off a bit overly talkative....i can be energetic when i’m happy & i do have a lot to say about things sometimes but usually only in my head. even typing it out is difficult b/c i can only type so fast, especially with a phone. but in other situations i can have trouble actually getting my voice to come out at all, or i choose not to speak at all b/c i dont want to. or when im frustrated i dont want to talk for a moment but thats generally because there is no one around i want to talk to about it. i can talk abt something for hrs....and it is of course extra special to me b/c i dont get to be around ppl i like talking to them that often

idk and i like to do nice things for friends when i can......i dunno. i do like people. i can be pretty choosy about who i hang on to, i might only have a select group of friends even if i wasnt isolated; but still....theres a lot of people in the world. even being picky about it, you could have a huge friend group

little tangent i dont trust trying to make friends in groups at all really lol.....like even if you’re friends with someone who’s in a bigger friend group. i might cautiously give ppl a chance just b/c of the good endorsement but ive also had bad times w it. and often like, even ppl i all individually like, to be in a group w everyone is to realize that my way of socializing means im a lot of times off on the tangents and it just makes it clear that there’s a whole Thing going on in the middle that you’re not at all involved in. and then there’s ongoing Things that nobody lets you in on and its like alright i guess i’ll do my own thing that nobody’s interested in. idk and its happened that i’ll be in a group and again just like....not be even noticed physically and its like. feels great man

anyways i guess theres general things about Friendship that i feel i miss out on, on account of never experiencing it

like ive never felt like i had someone i’d tell anything to, not even collectively, like i have three Things to tell & maybe i cant tell anyone all three but i know three ppl i’d tell one of each to

ive also never quite felt like i’d always have someone to talk to just in general......or been in the situation where if i wanted to go out and do something w someone i knew i could find someone to go w me.....idk theres never been the feeling that i always had access to friends in any way. or like, ever had access to friends, most of the time at least

i also have no idea....when ppl talk about having longtime friends like known all their life im like wtf. ok. weirdo. ive had a friend for ten seconds

kind of a bummer b/c i think a lot of ppl consider College to be th easiest place to make friends...like before that you mostly have school friends and afterwards its like oh work friends but college you have a bit more mobility and different situations to meet people.....but post-college its supposedly just increasingly difficult to make new friends. and being more isolated makes it even more difficult as ppl tend to ostracize ppl for being lonely weirdos

im always lucky i get to talk on here tbh......it occurs to me it’s probably bad to feel completely unheard. because it frustrates me a lot at times to feel that way. even nowadays i dont really say anything about the stuff i think & dont ever find myself wanting to....im picky about who i really feel like having long or even short but actually genuine convos w like i said...............and idk its not that infrequent too for ppl to seem to not really care one way or the other or listen or even like it when i talk. i only wanna talk in situations i feel good talking obv lol....otherwise i’d rather stay quiet, but staying quiet is frustrating also. but i do it. but i can say things here at least even if i’m not actually talking aloud

i cant expect to ever have this mythical friend group or whatever.....i dont have Expectations like that. and in the meantime ive been lowkey for a few years just trying to lower my expectations even for ppl im just chill-ly talking to. its not that difficult nowadays, i get a bit pumped to just be talking, but i dont get Pumped Abt New Friends or anything. i know it doesnt work like that....and its not like i was ever like, wanting a blood oath after two conversations or anything like that. it just tends to mean more to you and then you find out you dont mean as much to anybody else really

oh but a good silver lining is that now i have better standards for ppl anyway, to be like “well it sucks that it turns out my connection w all these ppl wasnt that solid at all, but hang on now that i think of it do i even Like this or that person”

life is wild huh. back in preschool i thought something was wrong w me that nobody liked me & nowadays i dont care if they do or not. im doing my own thing over here & may be chillin in hell but at least, even if i’m sad i don’t exactly get to consistently interact w ppl, it only matters to me if i get the attention from ppl i genuinely like anyways. i could drop off the face of the planet & probably the biggest giveaway was that i had reblogged a joke in a few days but wtf does that matter anyway. some of us got to be on the tangents still w no friends. not because its necessary but b/c it happens and it has to be someone, might as well be me or you. it happens to be me, thats for sure