#anyways i started this on like… 2 days after thanksgiving? i thought that would be enough time but i technically finished on christmas eve!

[yourdrugisafartbreaker]

Happy holidays folks! Last Christmas, I did a drawing challenge as a present for my mutuals. I would draw their PFPs, which is hard enough when I’m not good at doing art, BUT I imposed the rules of using only one layer and no ctrl+z on myself as well. This Christmas, I’m back at it! For both old and new mutuals, listed in terms of when I did them, here are all of the PFPs I drew for this Christmas (that I did not already do last year)!

@labbildung I decided to go with you first considering your PFP is only two colors, not to mention that you are my newest mutual, but Max’s head and the fire was not totally easy.

@hwljpg I went with you next since you are my oldest mutual and I am familiar with your style, so with it only being three colors and having simple lines, I feel like I can say that this one was the easiest one for me.

@funni-bunny-thing Your PFP wasn’t too different from the one I drew for you last year, but the background and the need for a good big circle was a small step up from the other two, I hope I kept enough derpiness in it.

@plutoons I feel your PFP is the intermediate difficulty transition between the easy and hard PFPs I drew this year, I felt I kept getting tripped up on the small flourishes with yours, although I’m glad I got to draw Snoopy.

@impostorsshow While the colors in your PFP are bright and distinct, it’s very busy with the amount of details and I just simply could not grasp how to replicate the mistletoe, this was the first PFP I had to work on over two days since I kept getting some shapes messed up.

@artfartt While I am so glad that Max is in your PFP this year instead of Sam since Max is easier to draw, how moody this was kinda messed with me, I had to turn up my phone’s brightness a good bit and I am honestly not the proudest of my shading attempts.

@oswaldepic This one was the hardest by far as I needed 3 days for this one instead of 2 days for the last two, the Francisco Goya type Dark Romanticism vibes made me need to crank up my phone’s brightness all the way up to really observe any of the details but I still didn’t even realize the outer green jacket until the third day I worked on this, but I am happy to say that Jonathan in your PFP is probably the most detailed human I have ever drawn.

Thank you to my mutuals for agreeing to this, y’all are the best, happy holidays cool folks!

[lovelettersfromluna]

Linger

Summary: Back home for the holidays after hooking up with your best friend, who you also happen to be madly in love with...what could possibly go wrong.

an: Look who managed to get the final part of a series in a manageable time, me!! This honestly would have been out way sooner but I ended up getting pretty sick, so I apologize for that. Im feeling better, and super inspired! I have some other stuff in the works for you all as well, bc I think you deserve to be spoiled 😌. Anyways! I hope you guys enjoy the last installment of this fic!! 🖤🖤🖤

Warnings: Smut!! MDNI!! 18+, Ellie and reader are both very sad and very stubborn, angst, hurt/comfort, alcohol usage, mention of marijuana, making out, pet names, oral (Ellie receiving), tribbing, let me know if I missed anything!

Part 1, part 2

Tag list: @eveshyper @mattm1964 @teawithnosugar @macaroni676 @ximtiredx @gold-dustwomxn @mina-281 @aethelwyneleigh27 @abbysmainbitch @lil-elliesgf @franreadss @fairyysoiree @r3wbeef @liizzygrant @elliewilliamsgf69 @mabelle-cherie @cauliflowerpatch @forelliesposts @lunasolac @nil-eena @pillowprincessleia @pedropascalsbbg @ellieswifeyy @lesbiantothemoonandback @dummysimp011 @miniaturebananadefendor @sweetpumpkins @thesmutconnoisseur @miksde @delicategirlie @sawaagyapong @thesevi0lentdelights @p4ison1vy @coxmicbabygirl @julibanana925 @viswifetotallyreal

The holidays had always been your favorite time of the year.

It always filled you with this warm, cozy, feeling every time you thought about it. Throughout all three hundred and sixty five days of the year, you looked forward to those last three months tucked away at the end of the year, that were filled with nothing but warm memories.

Ever since you had started college, you family made it a tradition of having you come back for the holidays. Right after halloween, you would practically race through the assignments you had until thanksgiving break before you were off to catch a flight to spend time with your family.

You and Ellie always went home together.

She was practically apart of your family, and you were practically apart of hers. If Joel wasn't knocking on your door with a half burnt pie with Ellie standing by his side, eager to play whatever new video came out that month, you and your family were making their way to the Miller house. It was just how things were, and you it was another reason why you loved the holidays so much.

But this year, things had changed.

The air only got colder with each passing day, nipping away at your skin and making it harder and harder to peel yourself from your warm bed every morning that you had class. It was like with each passing year, the colder months grew to be more bitter and unforgiving than the last.

It had been almost a month since you spoke to Ellie.

After everything that had happened at the party, the slew of emotions that brewed within the depths of your mind and soul was almost too much to bare.

After you passed out in Ellie's arm, the bliss you felt could not compare to anything else you had ever felt before. Out of all that you had done, every one you had ever been intimate with, there was no way they could ever hold a candle to the way Ellie made you feel that night. Her arms stayed wrapped around your body throughout the entire night, soft lips pressing sleepy kisses against your face and neck, her low voice mumbling sweet nothings into your ear between the hazy state that lies between sleep and wake.

All of it came together to create the single most euphoric experience you had ever come in contact with in your entire life. But but daylight, it was all ripped away.

As soon as your eyes opened, adjusting to the light shining into the foreign bedroom you slept in, you were confused. You weren't in your bedroom, you certainly weren't in your house, you started to struggle with finding things that you were familiar with.

The second you looked down and saw Ellie's face pressed against your chest, you had gotten what you asked for.

It made you seize up a bit, your body stiffening in the girls embrace as you slowly recalled what had happened the night prior. Images of Ellie slotted between your legs came flooding in, her face slick with your arousal, green eyes low and filled with lust, mumbling the filthiest things to you as she destroyed your core with her skilled tongue.

The memories alone made you whine.

The sound made Ellie groan in her sleep, the brunette humming softly as she stirred a bit in her sleep before she leaned in, pressing lazy, sleepy kisses against your throat as she nuzzled closer into you, seeking your warmth as she slowly came to.

"hmmm..whats the matter baby?" She mumbles out against your skin, her voice low and filled with that delicious gravel that only came with sleep. It makes you swallow thickly, taking a deep inhale as you still in her arms.

She was so comfortable, basking in the bliss that you felt mere moments ago. You could tell, from the relaxed muscles of her biceps, to the soft little hums that you felt against your neck, Ellie didn't have a care in the world, not when you were in her arms like this, not when she still had memories of the night prior running through her mind, painting a soft little smile on her pink lips

And truthfully? That made you feel even worse.

Your lack of a response makes her hum, as she blinked her green eyes open to stare up at you, pressing a soft kiss to your jaw. She saw the look on your face, she saw how it was nearly drained of all color. She was confused, because you both had such an amazing night together, there was no reason why you shouldn't be just as blissed out as she was.

"Baby? You with me?" She questioned once again, watching as you blink a few times, seemingly registering her words. You inhaled deeply, clearing your throat as you grabbed both of her arms, and began pulling them from around your body. Ellie frowned as she watched you, but not making any attempt to tighten her grasp and keep you close to her.

You didn't answer, you simply rolled out of bed and silently began grabbing your clothes that had been tossed around the bedroom, the fact alone made you frown further, because through the haze of your hangover, the exhaustion, and the overwhelming urge to crawl back into bed and let Ellie do whatever she wanted to you.

All you could think about, was Sofia.

Her pretty hair, her twinkling eyes, the little dimples she had at the corners of her lips. Her pretty face was the only thing that you could see in your mind. It was like her beauty was evading every corner of your brain, forcing herself to be known, to be acknowledged by you. For anyone, this would have most definitely been the normal thoughts that are linked to someone as beautiful as Sofia, but not for you.

Because you were moaning underneath her girlfriend a mere few hours ago.

You felt like you wee going to pass out. Your heart started to beat faster as the magnitude of what you did, what you let happen, finally began to settle in. It made you feel sick, and the back of your throat burned as hot tears threatened to spill past your eyes and onto your cheeks. How could you have been so stupid? How could you have ever let something like this happen? You were careless, and it was at the expense of someone else's feelings, someone else's relationship.

Through the racing thoughts that filled your head, and the pounding of your heart in your chest, you couldn't hear Ellie calling out for you multiple times. She was sat up on the bed, eyeing you as you rummaged through the bedroom to grab your belongings. She watched with furrowed eyebrows, and a gentle frown, trying to get you to simply look at her for a few minutes. Ellie knew you too well, and she knew that the quieter you got in times like this, the more you got trapped inside your own head.

She was losing you, and she knew that.

She called out your name once more, and through the graces of some unknown force, you heard it. It snaps you out of your thoughts, and it forced you to stand up straight, your head turning in her direction and eyeing her like a deer caught in the headlights. It made Ellie sigh softly, her feet swinging over the bed as she got up, and began making her way over to you.

"What's...what are you doing, baby? I thought...I thought we" She mumbled out softly, taking a few steps towards you. Her frown deepened when you respond to this, by stepping away from her. The way you stared up at her, is a look she doesn't think she will ever be able to forget, because you look terrified, disgusted, scared.

Worst part is, she doesn't know if you feel that way about you, or yourself.

She tried reaching out for you, slender fingers inches away from your waist, her hands burning for you once again. You stepped back again, staring at the girl in disbelief. "Thought what, Ellie? Huh? Thought that...that you could just ruin my night last night? And then drag me up to a random fucking room just to fuck me? So that you could.." You choked up, the words dying down in your throat, the mere thought of what you were going to say making those hot tears burn at your throat again.

You inhaled deeply, blinking back the tears that glossed over your eyes. "That you could use me, to cheat on Sofia" you whispered out, and that was enough to make those wretched tears spill onto your cheeks.

Ellie felt herself choke up as soon as she saw you that way, teary eyed, voice barely above a whisper, heart visibly breaking, and it was all because of her. It was all because of her, and her inability to do things right for once in her life.

You didn't make any attempt at hiding your tears anymore, they were there, and it was clear to see that what happened, was affecting you. The only thing you could do, was leave with the small amount of pride that you still had.

When a moment passed without Ellie saying anything, the girl knowing deep down, that there was nothing she could truly say to justify the situation, or make her actions any less wrong than they already were, you let out a tired sigh. You picked up the last of your things, slung your purse over your shoulder, and left Ellie there standing there.

And as horrible as it sounded, it hurt even more when she didn't try to chase after you.

You didn't want to ask your mom if Ellie and Joel were coming to your house for the holidays, because you knew that it would instantly raise suspicion on what had been going on between the two of you. Your mother could see right through you, and she was no stranger to how eager you always became to have both Joel and Ellie over to the holidays, so once she noticed that it was replaced with anxiety, she would be concerned. She was already confused when she learned that you and Ellie wouldn't be making your way home together like usual.

You hated traveling alone, you always did the annual holiday flight home with Ellie. She made what would usually be quite the boring trip, something that you found to be just as exciting as the holidays itself. You saw it as the perfect way to kick off your favorite time of the year.

But this year, you were doing it alone. Something about it made you feel like the holidays this year wouldn't go down as one of your favorites.

As soon as your parents were picking you up from the airport, and smothering you in kisses, telling you how much they missed you and asking you how your flight went, you felt a bit of the dark cloud that was looming over you clear up a bit. It allowed you to forget about the intense thoughts of your best friend that had been following you around for the past month.

It made you feel hopeful for the time that you had home.

After that night, there was a tiny piece of you that hoped Ellie would reach out. You selfishly hoped that she would come and find you, apologize for what happened, tell you that things between her and Sofia were fine, so that you could go back to normal.

But she didn't.

Ellie ignored you, just as much as you ignored her.

You kept your head down for the most part, in class and when walking through the hallways. You didn’t know how you’d be able to handle seeing Ellie, or seeing Sofia.

Or worse, seeing them together.

When it was fresh, you wanted to avoid it. You wanted to pretend it didn’t happen and carry on throughout the remainder of the semester keeping to yourself.

Soon, you realized that you’d gone the longest without speaking to Ellie throughout your entire friendship. She didn’t text you, she didn’t try to come and see you, hell, she didn’t even look in your direction. It was like she didn’t know you, as if you hadn’t practically grown up together, reaching your greatest milestones together.

On her end, there was complete silence.

The one time you caught her looking at you, was when Alex was sitting with you in the courtyard one day. It was one of the last days leading up to the break, and Alex had slowly made her way back to you. After everything happened, she gave you your space, while quietly letting you know she was still around. Once you finally worked up the courage to speak to her, and apologize for what Ellie did, she told you she understood. She tried to explain to you, that the way Ellie looked at you, wasn’t the way someone looks at just a friend. She could see the fire in her eyes, an undeniable need for you.

But you refused to believe it.

Ellie had every chance to be with you. She was the closest person in the world to you, she knew everything about you, her she never made any attempts to take things further. That was fine, it wasn’t something you dwelled on, because if you weren’t Ellie’s type, then so be it. You knew you weren’t, and while it was something that didn’t bother you…

It did once she had no issue with hooking up with you, but never tried to actually love you.

It made you feel cheap, knowing that you were only worthy of being the other woman, of being the girl that had to stay hidden behind closed doors, a fantasy for Ellie to play with, all while having the benefits of Sofia as her girlfriend. It made you wonder why you weren’t good enough, what separated you from the other girls she dated.

You figured you’d leave that thought alone. If you didn’t, you’d drive yourself mad.

Alex acted as your person of comfort through all of this, offering you nights of hanging out, study dates, or even stopping by to talk after class. You had to admit, it helped. And while she was sitting across from you on a bench underneath a shady tree, listening as you vented about the paper you were working on for that week, you happened to look up for only a second, and you were suddenly locking eyes with Ellie.

Ellie, who had eyes that were glazed over, lips parted as if she wanted to say something, but couldn’t. Eyebrows knitted together as if she’d cry at any moment, begging, screaming for you to hear her, to see her.

Ellie, who immediately turns her head away from you, and keeps on walking.

Throughout the entire month of not speaking to Ellie, that was the single interaction you had with her. And now, you were expected to spend the holidays with her, her father, and the rest of your family. Pretending as if everything was okay, and none of this was keeping you up every single night since the party.

You tried your hardest to get out of the dinner your mom had planned.

You used every excuse in the book. You said your throat was hurting, meaning you must have been coming down with a cold, you complained that you had the worst headache, you even tried using the excuse of not bringing any appropriate clothes for a party.

But of course, your sweet parents did their best at convincing you that the party would be fun, and you’d regret missing it if you did.

You tried taking your time while getting ready, hoping that with some stroke of luck, everyone that was supposed to arrive would’ve flaked on the last minute, meaning you wouldn’t have to put on a tight dress and do your makeup for no reason. Once you heard your mothers squeals, paired with the front door creaking from upstairs, you knew that was out of the question.

You slowly made your way downstairs, kitten heels clicking against the wooden floorboards, the bottom of your white linen dress swaying a bit with you as you walked. It fit you perfectly, hugging your curves at the middle, little flower cutouts littering every other inch of the dress, a dainty little golden necklace resting against your chest, your hair styled perfectly, makeup even more so.

You smiled softly as you greeted some of the guests, all of them raving to your parents about how pretty you were, how much you’d grown, how they didn’t have a little girl anymore. The compliments swelled your heart, making your head big as you shook them off, trying your best to keep up with all of them. The guests were a good distraction, giving you the opportunity to act as your mothers mini me, handing out glasses of champagne and whiskey, giving everyone a warm greeting.

It was so much of a distraction, that you barely noticed your father opening the door for Joel and Ellie.

With how much she’d been avoiding you, you were almost convinced she wouldn’t come. Ellie was never one to go to places she didn’t want to, and Joel rarely forced her. He knew her boundaries, and so did she, and you were sure that as of right now, you were crossing every single one of them with just your existence alone.

Ellie catches sight of you first, once your father let her go of the big bear hug he gave her, her eyes were instantly searching for you.

She feels her breath hitch once she lays eyes on you, pushing your pretty hair past your shoulder, laughing softly at something someone that wasn’t fully visible to her was saying. You brought your champagne glass to your lips, sipping a bit of the golden, bubbly liquid.

Ellie had never been more jealous of a fucking glass in her entire life.

A few hours prior, Ellie had been pacing in her bedroom a few blocks away from your house. She didn’t know what to wear, she didn’t know how to act, she didn’t even know if she’d actually being going. Ever since the night at the party, Ellie had an unmistakable lump in her throat every time she thought about you.

Every time she thought about your lips on hers, or the way your moans sounded, or the way she’d stupidly avoided that nagging little voice inside her head for the past however many years, screaming at her about how pretty you are, about how good it felt to sleep in bed with you at night, at how fucking right it felt to simply be near you.

She thought about all the times the perfect girl for her was standing right there, and she somehow always passed her up for someone else.

Ellie’s initial reaction to everything was to run. She wanted to run from everything, from you, from Sofia, from her feelings. Everything that was complicated in her life was just another thing she needed to get away from, and it’s why you didn’t hear from her after that night. She made sure to make herself scarce, because she knew once she got in front of you again, she’d either say something ridiculous that would dig her into a deeper hole than she was already in, or she’d screw up and kiss you again because she simply couldn’t help herself.

She figured staying away was the best.

Fighting off her feelings was the way to go, and it’s what she did. She knew that eventually she’d have to face the music, but she opted for that later than sooner. She hoped that by the time she saw you again, you’d both be able to get over whatever it was that happened, sweep it under the rug and carry on like before.

Yet, here she was, facing the music like she knew she had to, and it wasn’t any easier than it was in the beginning.

You were always pretty, from the moment Ellie had found you on the playground as kids, she thought you were pretty. The way your eyes crinkled when you smiled, the way you hid your face behind the thick, frumpy turtle necks during the winter, only your cute cheeks and eyes visible, everything about you had always been so fucking pretty, there was no doubt about it.

But God…she had a tendency of forgetting how fucking breathtaking you were when you were like this. All dressed up, diamond earrings twinkling in the dim light of your home, lips tinted the most perfect shade of red, complimenting your skin tone, tugged between your teeth as you eagerly listened on in whatever conversation you were in.

Whenever you looked like this, only one thought came to Ellie’s mind. She’d think about you and her, in a nice big house, planning cheesy Christmas parties for people, wining and dining your guests, her strong arm snagged around your waist as she paraded around her beautiful wife, bragging about the shiny diamond ring she used to propose to you.

It was a selfish thought, but still one that lingered in the back of her mind. Whenever she couldn’t sleep, or got a little too high, it would pop up, and put a stupid smile on her face as she basked in the way her chest warmed up at the thought of making you her wife, the perfect timeline of friendship to lovers.

It was ridiculous, wasn’t it? Ellie dreaming of you as her wife yet she’d brag about other girls to you constantly. Yeah, she didn’t get it either.

It was like a form of self sabotage, Ellie somehow feeling she’d never be enough for you. As your best friend, she wanted nothing but the best for you, because she knew you deserve it, and somehow she didn’t fit that category herself. She wanted desperately to, to be the one for you, to sweep you off your feet and show you what love is. It made her sick to her stomach even thinking about someone else doing it for you, anyone but her.

It was twisted, and selfish, and fucked up, and it was why you guys were drifting further apart than you ever had.

When Ellie finally decided to go to the party, she had it all planned out. She was going to get in, have a few drinks to loosen her up a bit, then she’d take you away and confess her undying love for you….

Or? She’d stare at you like a hawk all night, get too drunk and leave without uttering a single word to you, continuing her silent streak she had going.

The choice was in her hands.

You still hadn’t noticed her at that point, and once a few other guests had made their way to your front door to be greeted by your dad, and she noticed that you didn’t look their way either, she figured you were avoiding the front door like a plague, because you didn’t want to risk seeing Ellie.

And that was true, partially. You were half ignoring the door, and half enjoying your glass of champagne while speaking to one of your dads dearest friends. The alcohol made you feel warm, and it made it easier to have tunnel vision on anything but Ellie, allowing your fake smile to appear the slightest bit more real to the party goers, and that was good enough for them, and for you.

As much as you tried ignoring the door, you couldn’t ignore Ellie’s eyes burning into from different parts of the room. You could feel her gaze searing into you when your parents were greeting her, once again raving about how beautiful she’d gotten, how much they loved her tattoos. As much as you wanted to give in on her, and lock eyes with those green eyes you missed so much, you knew that was a bad idea.

You’d have to simply play dumb for the rest of the night

The party carried out better than you’d imagined.

You managed to avoid Ellie without being painfully obvious to everyone there that you were in fact avoiding Ellie, and you wanted to praise yourself for doing so. It was easy, busying yourself with guests, the alcohol turning you into the little social butterfly your parents always wanted you to be. Using the excuse of hopping from conversation to conversation made it easy to keep your focus on something for enough time, that you were able to completely ignore Ellie.

Being pulled in all sorts of directions, being called every time you stepped away to refill someone’s drink or grab another tray of snacks, you were the star of the show, as funny as that seemed to you. The attention you received would’ve made your head spin on any other given day, but right now, it was just what the doctor ordered.

Sure, there were a few awkward moments where Ellie made her way to the bar when you just so happened to be there. There were moments where her broad shoulders would brush past yours, almost pulling you out of your fantasy world completely, putting you at her mercy. There was even a moment during dinner where you were positive Ellie’s eyes were going to pop out of her head with how closely she watched you.

Through all of those things, and many other tiny little instances that were a bit too awkward for you to deal with, you prevailed. And honestly? It made you feel hopeful for your future in school. If you managed to ignore Ellie so flawlessly during a holiday party, all while maintaining the composure of not having her near? There was no way in hell you’d fuck up the same exact thing at school.

You didn’t need Ellie, and you were slowly proving that to yourself.

Once dinner was done, everyone stayed for only a bit longer, praising your mothers cooking skills, and the decorations in the house. Slowly, the guests started to leave, sleepy eyes and full bellies was all they needed to be sent home with sweet dreams and even sweeter desserts, courtesy of your mother. You felt the weight on your chest grow lighter and lighter with each person leaving, knowing that in due time, Ellie would be leaving as well. When you heard your father and mother walking Joel to the door, all three of them laughing like a group of teenagers after a rowdy night together, you bid the older man a goodbye and made yourself scarce. The kitchen had been cleaned, leftovers had been packed up and put away, and you were feeling far too warm from the liquor, and in desperate need of your bed.

Your heels clicked against wooden stairs as you made your way up to your bedroom, a soft huff leaving your lips as you reached behind your back, struggling to undo the annoying little clasp that held the back of your dress together near the zipper. Another puff of air blew passed your burgundy tinted lips once you reached your bedroom, kicking your slipper heels off as you continued clumsily fumbling with the back of your dress. At this point, you felt tempted to call it quits and sleep in the damn thing.

A soft knock on your door caught your attention, and you let out a sigh of relief as you walked over to it, knowing that it was most certainly your mother coming up to catch any late night gossip that you and her had caught within the night from some of the older ladies that attended.

“Thank god, i was waiting for you to come up. Can you help me with this, mom? I can’t get the clasp” you huff out softly, already turning around and reaching behind your back to fumble with the clasp before you can see who it is standing at your doorway.

Ellie’s eyes are shamelessly raking down your body, the girl swallowing thickly as she looks down at the swell of your ass under the taunt, linen fabric of your dress. The lack of your mothers voice makes you frown, and you quickly turn around to see what it is that has her so silent, but your face drops whenever you’re met face to face with Ellie instead.

Any cockiness that you felt regarding how well you’d ignored Ellie that night had disappeared, and was only replaced with silence as you stared into her eyes. Your throat goes dry, unable to find the words to say to her, and Ellie figures this is her chance.

“Um…your parents and my dad went to check out some holiday thing going on down the street…they asked if I wanted to come but I…figured I should come talk to you instead” she explains, and you simply stare at her dumbfounded, because the path of logic that lead her up to your bedroom is one that you seriously can't come to sympathize with, no matter how pitiful she looked staring into your eyes.

You inhaled deeply, eyebrows furrowed as you gave the girl an unamused look. A moment of silence passes between the both of you before you give her a shrug. "If you leave now you could probably still catch them" you hum out, the alcohol in your system making it far too easy to be rude to your best friend. She visibly deflates at your words, the tone on your tongue foreign to her ears. She was so used to you being so shy, so sweet, always welcoming her with there same sweet words you had for her.

"Look...We can't just carry on as if nothing happened. We need to talk about this...please", you hate the way your stomach does flips when she speaks, the girl practically pleading with you to hear her out. Begging to get a moment alone with you to simply reflect on everything that happened. In that moment, you realized that no matter what, no matter what she did to you, or what happened between the two of you...

You would always be weak for her.

Your gaze softens as you watch her, taking a deep breath before you silently step to the side, giving her the space to walk into your bedroom. The way her eyes shine when you do this doesn't go unnoticed, and those stupid fucking puppy dog eyes of hers are making you melt all over again, especially when she looks so happy just from you letting her into your room.

Ellie inhales deeply once she's in your room, looking around and taking it all in. She recalls all the many nights you two had spent there together, staying up late and watching corny movies, your eyes burning from being glued to the tv for too long. She remembers all the times she would follow you home after school, using studying as an excuse to spend a few more hours of the day with you. She remembers all of it, every memory, all the times you two spent together in that house, in your room. She smiles at the sight of the little flowers on your bedsheets, or the way your room had somehow perfectly preserved the sent of you, of your shampoo, of your favorite lotion, filling her lungs and almost making her feel dizzy. She makes a mental note that your room is definitely one of her favorite places.

And she hates that you two had come to whatever you were at now, creating bitter memories in such a sweet space.

The sound of your soft sigh cuts through her thoughts, and she quickly turns around to see you. Your arms were crossed over your chest, your face still with that unamused expression, making Ellie feel like you would rather be anywhere other than with her, like you couldn't wait for her to leave your bedroom, and it makes her heart sink completely, because out of all the memories Ellie had with you, none of them were ever filled with that face that you were making.

She clears her throat, awkwardly shifting her weight onto feet as she gives you a nod, as if answering a question that you hadn't even asked. "Sorry..um...let's sit?" She questions hopefully, and you shake your head, standing your ground with the girl.

"I'm fine here...and whatever you need to say to me can be said standing up" you mumble out softly. You knew deep down, that the second Ellie got you siting next to her, you wouldn't be able to fight back the urges you had to jump her bones. You would be lying if you said that you didn't think about her every night since the party. Her lips, her tongue, the way her hands felt roaming your body, keeping you close while you both slept. The memories you had with here were seared at the front of your brain, demanding to be acknowledged every waking moment of your day.

She frowns softly at your words, but gives you a gentle nod, understanding that this was just as hard for you as it was for her, if not more. Ellie takes a deep inhale, seemingly trying to find the right words to say, the right way to start off this entire conversation. She finds herself choking up, heart beating so fast she was sure you could hear it. You're making her nervous, and Ellie is finding it hard to separate the girl that has been her best friend for her entire life, from the girl that she was falling in love with.

And she finds it hard to figure out when those two things became one and the same.

"I broke up with Sofia." she blurts out, the words almost leaving her lips too fast to make a coherent sentence, but still, you catch every word perfectly. You stare at her for a moment before you scoff, you don't mean for the sound to come out as harsh as it does, but you don't have much control over your emotions at the moment.

"Is that supposed to change every thing? Is that supposed to make all of this okay, Ellie?" You question, the calmness of your voice almost scaring Ellie. She quickly shakes her head, stepping closer towards you, to which you take a step back, mirroring the morning after the party almost identically.

"No! Fuck..No, it isn't supposed to fix every thing..I just-" Although you agreed to hearing Ellie out, letting her into your bedroom for the sole purpose of letting her explain, you're cutting her off, because you truly cannot hold back anymore. You're tired of holding it all back, biting your tongue and forcing down what you felt for the sake of others.

"Do you not understand what you did? You sabotaged something that was....that was fucking good for me. Alex was so good for me, and you were so dead set on ruining that for me!" Your voice slowly begins to raise, and you are so thankful that your parents and Joel aren't in the house, because you're sure the neighbors can probably hear you.

Ellie opens her mouth again to speak, attempting to diffuse your anger, but you don't let her. "No, I have gone this entire time in silence, it's time I talk for once" you stop her, and Ellie is positive she's never seen you this angry in her entire life.

"You have known me, almost your entire life. You never once made any advances towards me, which is fine! I've watched you have multiple girlfriends who could not be any further away from what I am than they already are, and I never said a word. I have loved you from the moment I understood what love is, and I never said anything. I was okay with not being wanted by you, I was content with just being your friend, but suddenly you're stopping me from gettin into a relationship of my own? and using me to cheat on your girlfriend?" You started pacing as you spoke, your hands flailing about as you ranted, unable to even stop and realize that you had in fact just confessed that you loved your best friend.

You were just so tired. You were tired of feeling unwanted, of feeling like you were always the second option, never worthy enough to be the girl that was taken home to mom, always the girl that was picked last.

You were fucking tired.

Ellie feels like her heart seizes up when she hears those words, the ones that confirmed your feelings. She hears how tired you are, how broken you have become, at the hands of her doings, and she can feel that the love you have for her is slowly drifting as this situation prolongs.

"And...and I know I've never been that girl. I'll never be Sofia, I'll never be the girl that makes people do a double take when I'm walking down the hallway, Im not...that isn't me. And I was fine with that! I was fine with going unnoticed...but do you...do you know how hard it is to be placed second by the girl you're madly in love with? You made me feel so...fucking worthless of actually being wanted past a night of fucking" You're crying at this point, soft hiccups and sighs interrupting every other word, making it hard to breath, and making you sound all the more broken.

Ellie watches as you pace back and forth, ranting, crying, desperately trying to find answers for why she did what she did. Searching for the will to prove that you were worth it, that you were worth love.

She realizes that she destroyed any chance of you feeling worthy of love when she drove Alex away from you.

You finally stop pacing, turning towards her. The image of you breaks her heart, because your lashes are webbed together, eyes glossy with tears, cheeks soaked, chest rising and falling as you try to catch your breath.

"You need to leave" You mumble out, voice trembling as you struggle to get the words out. Ellie simply stares as she watches you, shaking her head as she tugs her bottom lip between her teeth. "M'not going anywhere...I won't leave you again" She tries, her voice barely above a whisper. Your chin wobbles a bit as more tears threaten to spill onto your cheeks, your throat burning as you shake your head, your arms going up to wrap around your torso, as if you were keeping yourself from falling apart.

"Y-you need to get out of my house, Ellie...I can't...I won't allow you to break my heart anymore" The way you struggle to find a proper pattern of breathing and speech is a clear indication that you're on the verge of breaking down all over again, crumbling apart and letting your emotions get the best of you, and it hurts Ellie so much, she feels tears prickling at her own eyes as well.

She frowns deeply as she moves to step closer to you, watching as your head falls, staring at the floor of your bedroom, small whimpers leaving your lips. She takes the opportunity to get as close to you as she had the entire night, staring down at you for a moment before she hesitantly wraps her strong arms around your body, which results in a low sigh of relief from her, and more sobs from you.

"Can't leave you, angel...Im not making that mistake again" She mumbles softly, her words muffles as she presses her face against your head, her eyes fluttering shut as she takes a deep inhale of your floral shampoo.

And you can't even fight her off, not when your body is shaking as you sob in her arms, not when her holding you is the only thing that soothes the burn, soothes your aching heart of all the pain it had experienced, not only within the past month, but throughout the entire duration of your friendship with Ellie.

Ellie stands there for a moment, holding you as you cry, as you both cry. Somewhere within the time of hearing your soft little whimpers muffled into her shirt, tears began to spill onto her cheeks as well. Her strong arms ran up and down your back, keeping you close, thankful that you were at least letting her do this for you. Once you had calmed down a bit, you finally pull away slightly to look up into her eyes, your own red and puffy as you sniffle.

"I meant it Ellie...I can't...I won't do this with you anymore" You mumble softly, your heart swelling due to how fucking close she was. You could kiss her if you wanted to, the girl staring down at you and taking in all of your features.

She felt her heart break, because she knew you were referring to your friendship, but your words felt like it was an ending to so much more than that. It felt like she was losing her person, the one that was for her, her only love that she needed within her life.

Because she was.

She inhaled deeply, shaking her head slightly as she tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. "You know I can't leave...angel.." she hummed softly, and it made you eyebrows furrow. She felt your hands push against her waist, trying to pry your body from hers, trying your best to put more space between the two of you so that you could finally kick her out, and end whatever it was that was going on between the two of you.

And she realized, it was now or never.

"I can't do that, because i'm in love with you" she continued quickly, knowing she was running out of time to tell you how she felt. She knew that this was her last chance, and she had to use it accordingly.

The way your eyes widen as you stare up at her makes Ellie frown, because you look shocked. Is it really so shocking to believe that your best friend could love you just as much as you loved her, if not more?

You don't say anything, so she takes your silence as an opportunity to continue speaking.

"Since we were kids...I just...I didn't want to ruin things, and I always knew you deserved better than what I could ever offer, and you still do...But i'm selfish, and I can't ignore the way I feel when i'm around you" She mumbles out, trying to speak low so that you don't hear the way her voice begins to break the more she speaks about it.

You can see clearly that she's on the verge of tears, her green eyes glossing over with tears, her nose and cheeks flushing red as she bit down on her bottom lip, seemingly fighting back the tears as she squeezes your waist, trying her best to keep herself at bay.

"Im sorry..for everything that I've done...for making you ever feel like you were unwanted or undesirable when that couldn't be further from the truth...I was stupid, and I did things horribly and I've fucked up any chances I had with making you something more to me than friend...but I hope you can forgive me...because I can't...I can't do this without you" she whimpers out softly, the tears that she was desperately trying to hold back, already flowing down her freckled cheeks.

When she stares down at you, and your expression is so unreadable, and all you can do is stare back at her, she knows it's done. She knows that she shouldn't have come to bother you, and that she was better of leaving things as they were, but she can't help but feel a bit of relief that you now know the she loves you too.

And as her hands begin to loosen from your waist, and a soft sigh of defeat leaves her lips, you do something that you didn't think you would do in a million years.

You cup both your hands around Ellies face, and kiss her with every ounce of passion in your body.

It catches her off guard at first, but she doesn't waste much time in kissing you back. You can feel the way her slender fingers grip your waist tighter, desperately pulling you closer to her body as you kiss her passionately, your hands going up to wrap around her neck, basking in the love that you could feel pouring out of Ellie, and flowing straight into you.

She feels like her head is spinning, because she was sure she wouldn't ever feel your soft lips pressed against hers. You were the one that got away, and she had already made peace with that. But you were kissing her, and the passion was growing by the second, and you were slowly pushing her back towards the bed, and suddenly she has you again.

It's all a blur, because one moment you were yelling at Ellie, crying to her about how heart broken you were. Then she was apologizing to you, begging for your forgiveness, and now she's laying on your bed, with you straddling her as you kiss her passionately, slowly, simply enjoying the taste of each others mouths. Ellie's hands are roaming your body, squeezing your thighs, your middle, every where she can possibly touch you, she is. The kissing is slow, and sensual, and the sound of your tongues lapping against one another makes all of the heat in your body rush to your core.

Ellie groans softly when you break the kiss, opening her mouth to complain and pull you back to where she needed you the most, yet her words are dying down once she notices that you begin to kiss down her body.

You push her t shirt up a bit, kissing her hips gently before you settle between her legs, humming softly as you begin to undo the button of her jeans and tug them down her body. This makes Ellie frown, because as much as she can feel her aching clit throb at the mere thought of having your mouth on her cunt, she knows she doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve to have you there, so she props herself up on her palms, and tries to close her legs.

"Baby...wait...you don't have to-" You quickly cut her off, tugging her jeans more before you shake your head. "I've dreamed about doing this to you for years...please" you whine softly, staring up at her with wide eyes as you tug your bottom lip between your teeth. Ellie isn't strong enough for this, because you're settled between her legs, giving her the sweetest puppy dog eyes, biting down on your plush lips, and begging to eat her out. She knows she should be worshiping you, but god you are hard to say no to.

She simply raises her hips, aiding you in tugging her jeans off. She chuckles softly when she sees the way your eyes glimmer with excitement when she does this. You hum softly, leaning into her clothed core and pressing a soft kiss to it, the wet patch making you hum softly against her. "So pretty..." you hum softly, more so to yourself than her before you tug her panties to the side, far too eager to be faced with the job of taking them off.

You waste no time in pressing your lips to her soaked pussy, which forces Ellie to moan softly, her eyebrows furrowed with pleasure as she stares down at you, wanting to burn the image of you eating her pussy in her brain for the rest of her life. Your tongue pushes past your lips, lapping at her core, circling her clit, and it makes Ellie feel like she's going to lose her mind.

She feels her chest burn with a tinge of jealousy, because how the hell are you so good at that?

Your tongue pushing into her drooling hole makes all of those thoughts leave her mind instantly, and she's throwing back her head, moaning loudly for you as you begin to practically tongue fuck her.

"Ahhh...such a good fucking girl...eating my pussy so good..." her praises go straight to your core, forcing you to whine softly against her pussy. Ellie groans, her tattooed hand going to your head, keeping you close as she begins grinding against your face. "Mm..f-fuck...thats my fucking girl...fuck....wait...wait..Im close" she groans softly, trying to pull your mouth away from her. You don't budge though, eager to taste her release. You whine softly, your tongue rapidly moving against her clit. It makes Ellie groan, her eyebrows furrowing as she desperately began to shy away from your mouth, shaking her head as she tried catching her breath. "Slow down baby..I don't...I wanna cum with you..." She explains, and her heart breaks as you pout up at her, clearly displeased with her for not allowing you to finish playing with her pussy. It makes Ellie chuckle, and she slowly begins to pull you up, humming as she lets you straddle her lap. "Don't pout at me that way, baby...wanna do this right" She explained, looking up at you with hearts in her eyes, glimmering with adoration like a love sick puppy.

Her stare makes you whine softly, and her hand comes up to cup your cheek gently. "Will you let me make love to you? Is that okay?" She questioned, her voice low and soft, giving you full control of the situation, determining whether or not this would go any further.

And for a moment, you questioned what was best. You could have stopped this, crawled off of Ellies body and send her home, telling her that this was a mistake, and you should just stop being friends right then and there.

Or, you could simply let go. You could forgive her, and allow yourself all of the love you had ever wanted and craved from her, since you were a young girl. You could give into her, and let her love you the way you knew she could. Your heart still ached, and the scars that were left were still present, but they were fading, and every moment that you spent with Ellie, like this, in her arms, you felt as though she was exactly what you needed to feel better.

Ellie was mending your broken heart, and there was no way you'd let that go.

Without missing another beat, you give Ellie a soft nod before you leaned in, pressing the softest, sweetest kiss to her mouth. It makes her groan softly, because what did she ever do to deserve someone so soft, so forgiving, so fucking good.

She hums softly as she reaches behind you, undoing the claps of your dress before zipping it down and tugging it off your body, leaving you only in your panties before her. She gently pulls you against her body, your naked chest flushed against hers as she turns both of your bodies around so you were laying down with your back against your bed, and she was hovering over you.

She pulls back, sighing softly as her eyes raked down your body, taking you in like a work of art. She began tugging her own t shirt off, leaving her completely naked before you, before she reached down and snagged two fingers under the waistband of your panties, pulling them down as well.

She pressed her lip against yours, one of her hands coming down and grabbing your thigh so that your legs were spread. The kiss was sweet, and loving, and it made your head spin, distracting you from the way she began slotting herself against you, positioning her soaking wet core right against yours, the feeling making you moan softly into her mouth.

"I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you...my sweet girl.." She mumbled softly against your lips before she pulled away from you, straightening out her back a she stared down at you, one of your legs tossed over her shoulder, as she slowly began grinding her pussy down onto yours.

You had never felt anything like it. She was so wet, so soft against you, her velvety core slipping and sliding against yours, clit bumping against yours in a way that could only be described as euphoric. It made your back arch almost painfully.

Your eyes never left Ellie, because she looked like a goddess above you. Her features were so beautiful, the warm glow of the moon shining in through your window and illuminating them, so that she looked like something out of a fairytale. Her eyes were filled with love, her lips dragging against your calf, kissing you wherever she could as she stared at you, watching your every move, watching as your face contorted with pleasure.

"Look at you...you're a fucking dream...the perfect fucking girl for me" She moaned out, her hips slowly rolling, fucking her pussy down onto yours deliciously slow. You only nodded, whining softly as you grabbed her thigh, massaging her soft skin as you tried hanging on as long as you possibly could.

She smirked softly, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth as she moaned again. "You're so fuckin' cute...my pretty girl..." her voice was so low, words so slow, dripping with lust, want, need.

Love.

She was getting closer, and so were you. You could tell in the way she started to speed up, her teeth grazing against your leg as she began to get restless. Her eyebrows furrowed with pleasure. "I...fuck I love you so much...I have always loved you so fucking much" she moaned out, and this pulls a long, drawn out moan from your lips, which results in an encouraging nod from Ellie.

"L-love you so much, Ellie...always have" you whine out, struggling to form coherent and full sentences as you became prisoner to the pleasure Ellie brought you. She moaned softly, leaning down and pressing her body against yours, your pebbled nipples pressed against her own as she caught your lips in a passionate kiss.

"That's it baby...come on...cum for me...cum with me" she groaned against your lips, her hips moving faster as she chased both your orgasms.

You moaned loudly, pushing your tongue into Ellies mouth, wrapping you arms around her neck to keep her close, and allowing yourself to let go as your orgasm washed over you. It was intense, and euphoric, and blissful, and it felt like you were gettin hit by a bolt of lightening, because you felt your heart blooming with a love like no other.

It was different from the feeling of a crush, or what you thought was a love unrequited. It was hot, and electrifying and it made you feel alive again, it mended any broken feelings you had before the night had started, and even before that, and it made you feel like you were complete.

Ellie groaned against your mouth, her orgasm lining up with yours when she felt the way you pushed your tongue into her mouth, needy whines telling her all that she needed to know, that she had gotten you there, and she had shown you just how much she loved you.

You both laid there for a moment, wrapped in each others arms, trying to catch your breath. Ellie held you close, brushing the hair out of your face that had stuck to your skin during everything, she gave you gentle praises, bringing you back to earth with her. Soon, you were both tugging your blankets over your bodies, the chilly air making its presence known as it nipped away at your naked bodies.

You laid there, tangled up in each others embrace, kissing softly, and laughing lazily, exhaustion slowly taking over you both. You felt in your heart that this was all far different from the night at the party. This was filled with passion, and love, and it all started from a clean slate, where you two began to once again understand each other.

And as you fell asleep, you knew for a fact that Ellie Williams, was yours.

[fitgothgirl]

I haven't been writing/journaling here lately despite wanting to; this is supposed to be a personal blog lol. The ADHD not-right-now response has been rough lately. So many things I haven't been doing despite my intent. I didn't even text my mom on Thanksgiving... We're estranged and have our issues and all but that's still a pretty big deal. I'm sure she's crushed but she hasn't said anything bc my general communication problems aren't new (especially when compounded with our issues). I'm going to need to apologize/explain when I text her for Christmas though. I know she understands but still.

Anyway, I'm behind in replies to a good chunk of other people too. Also just things I want to do I keep putting off. I had a good period of time where I was more successful in working through/overcoming this feeling, and even feeling it less often. But it's become a struggle again. I feel like getting on Wellbutrin a little over two years ago was part of what helped a lot, but its benefits seem to have been gradually waning.

At my last appt with my psychiatrist before I lost my health insurance bc I had gotten fired, he took the evidence of me losing my job as a reason to reconsider stimulant medication, as he didn't realize ADHD was having that much effect on my life (i.e. making a lot of mistakes at work/missing details). But I wasn't going be able to see him again for that exact reason so. 🤷🏻‍♀��� Kinda sucks to know that but I still liked him and would go back to him if I could; however I'm officially starting Kaiser next year (ugh) and he was through a PPO (sorry non USAers lol) so it's moot. Anyway, whoever I end up seeing in the near future for at least my current meds can maybe explore that route with me.

I said this is supposed to be a personal blog, but it's also supposed to largely focus on my fitness/wellness, which I haven't been bringing up at all really lately. I reblog stuff like that but most of my posts lately are about totally random things lol. I always intend to post my workouts or thoughts/plans to do with my health, and then I just. don't. 🙃

Good things though: still getting to the gym with decent consistency. Just cracked open my bujo a few days ago after months and prepped it for January. I'm back to cat-sitting and have a good chunk of reservations over the holiday (contributing to my needs for a bujo), and the money from that will be a lifesaver. Finally watched a summary video of the most recent book I read of a series, since it's been like a year and I've been really wanting to finish the trilogy (it's The Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson - of his stuff, I've only read Elantris and the first two books of this trilogy. I'm a newbie to the fandom and really wanting to catch up at least a little! But my close friend is a bibliophile and a hardcore BrandoSando fan). Cleaned up around the house a few times and got to a few clutter corners in my room when the inspiration randomly struck. So yeah, not doing nothing at least.

Physical health-wise, besides getting to the gym 2-3 times a week for lifting, I've been trying to get in more cardio. I did a couple home workouts from this youtube channel I really used to like, but I had planned to do it other times too and it kept falling through. But I remembered in the past having liked doing the stair climber after lifting at the gym so I've been trying that again instead; I think this just works better for me so I'm going to try to keep it going. I just like being at the gym, and when I'm trying to do something at home I keep putting it off. Also I like how it's pretty akin to hiking. But yeah, overall cardio's been a bit of a struggle. I've had some times where I tried to prioritize cardio over lifting but kept procrastinating and ended up doing neither and that's definitely not what ya want.

Also it's been a long time but I'm starting to try to log my food in MyFitnessPal again; not even for weight loss necessarily but I just feel like I've been kind of losing sight of what I'm eating/how much and I need a little refocus. I've been busier and running around more lately and that always messes with meals, plus I've been getting meals at work (which aren't necessarily bad/unhealthy/high calorie, but it's just another new variable).

Last few workouts! Still doing my three day split of back & biceps, chest/shoulders/triceps, and legs/glutes & abs.

[sterekbros]

someday soon (884 words) by Winchesterek

Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski Characters: Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski, Original Child Character(s) Additional Tags: Adopted Children, Kid Fic, Teacher Derek Hale, Fluff, Parents Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Werewolf Derek Hale, Human Stiles Stilinski, Werewolf Children, Slice of Life, Domestic Fluff, Family Fluff, POV Stiles Stilinski, Alternate Hale Fire (Teen Wolf) Series: Part 2 of Teacher Derek AU For @sterekweekly threshold, @sterekfests baking, @sterekbingo domestic, and @warmandfluffybingocards free space.

The first thing that hit him when he came into the house was the fragrant scent of baked apples. Fall was Stiles’ favorite season. The way the air started to chill and it was just cool enough for him to wear a light jacket or hoodie, but not cold enough for him to wear something like a scarf. It never got that cold in California anyway.

But Fall. Fall was perfect. Everyone started worshiping pumpkin spice, even if Stiles didn't care for it, and the energy surrounding the changing seasons always gave him life despite the world dying around him.

“I’m home!” Stiles called into the house, locking the door behind him with one hand and gripping a grocery bag in the other.

Several little feet came trampling down the stairs before Hailey was yelling, “Daddy!” and Scarlett and James were shouting, “Uncle Stiles!”

Stiles laughed as they surrounded him and squeezed him tight with all their little werewolf strength.

“Where’s Derek?” he asked as he rubbed each of them with one hand, making sure to scent mark each of them.

“He’s in the kitchen!” Hailey practically screamed at him with glee.

“Making apples!” James put in.

“Not apples,” Scarlett chided her brother. “Apple pie! Like grandma used to make!”

That twisted Stiles’ heart in his chest, knowing that sometimes thoughts of his family weren't the best thing for Derek to relive. But pie had to be a good thing, right? Otherwise, why would Derek be making it?

“Oh, apple pie!” James repeated belatedly while Scarlett shook her head at him.

Hailey grabbed Stiles’ free hand and said, “Come on, Daddy!”

He, of course, couldn't deny her. So Stiles followed Hailey into the kitchen with Scarlett and James following behind him.

When they crossed the threshold into the kitchen, Derek was at the oven with the door open, peering into it.

“I brought the turkey breast for our Thanksgiving trial run,” Stiles teased as he raised the bag in his child-free hand. Derek turned around and closed the oven, casting them all a smile.

“Great. But you know we’ll need a giant turkey for our actual Thanksgiving.” Derek crossed the short space between them to take the bag from Stiles and pressed a kiss to his lips. The kids squealed like they always did when they kissed each other. It still made Stiles chuckle after a year of them being together.

“More like two or three turkeys. We might need one for each werewolf that shows up and then we have these little munchkins.” Stiles fake-growled at them and the kids giggled, running out of the kitchen and back up the stairs. Any other time of day and Stiles would be chasing them, getting them ready for bed, and then tucked in for the night.

But right now he needed Derek. He smiled and wrapped his arms around Derek’s neck and kissed him again. “How many pies do you have cooking?”

“Three,” Derek replied, wrapping one arm around Stiles and holding him close. “One for the kids and two for us.”

Stiles laughed and kissed Derek again, smiling against his lips.

“Good. Maybe we can take one to bed later and have a snack ‘cause I think we might be up a little late tonight.” Stiles brushed his nose against Derek’s, teething his own lip. “I missed you a lot today…and I need you. All of you.”

Derek gave a muffled moan against Stiles’ neck before sighing and raising his head to kiss Stiles again. “Later,” he promised quietly. “I’ll knot you until you pass out.”

“My hero,” Stiles joked and reluctantly pulled away. “You want me to deal with the turkey?”

“It’s okay. I’ll do it. I’m sure the kids would love to show you their blanket fort where they’ve been having tea time. Then maybe you can get them washed up and ready for dinner? That way as soon as they’re done they’re off to bed after a story or two.”

Stiles smirked and gave Derek a once over. And damn, he was fine. Stiles knew he’d always see Derek this way, even when his hair and beard started to gray. “Someone’s thought this through.”

“Maybe just a little,” Derek replied, putting the bag on the counter. “I’ve had all afternoon to come up with a master plan”

Stiles snorted a small laugh and gave Derek a heated look, wanting to do nothing more than to push Derek up against the counter and drop to his knees until Derek was coming down his throat. But he couldn't do that. Not yet anyway. “Okay, I’m gonna go check out the blanket fort and maybe have a tea party too.”

“I’ll call you guys when dinner is done.”

“And we’ll be ready.” With one last look, Stiles turned and headed up the stairs. They’d grown so much during the last year as a family and Stiles couldn't wait for all the adventures that lay ahead of them.

And maybe someday soon he’d ask Derek to marry him. It wasn't as if Stiles hadn't bought the ring already, because some days it felt like it was burning a hole into his pocket. He reached down to feel if the small box was still there, just to make sure, and smiled.

Yeah. Maybe someday soon.

[cheemscakecat]

Missing in Action 5 1/2

Chapter 5 1/2 Team Meat-ing Part 2

Young Spy prepares a meal for the whole team with Scout’s help. But despite the good food, he doesn’t seem super happy.

No cover art, but I’ve included pictures of each dish IRL

The first thing Scout noticed the next morning was the smell of Spy’s stupid cigarettes. He followed the smell into the kitchen, which was where he was going anyways. The new guy was there cleaning and gathering pots and pans, while smoking one of Spy’s cigs. Jeremy decided that someone might as well use them.

”What’s up?” He asked, sneaking over to the fridge to get the milk. Most days he just ate cereal, if it was there and nobody cooked breakfast. They hadn’t had much left after the admin mess, but there was ham and bacon unopened in the bottom drawer, and nobody got sick from it. He didn’t know if it was good that his thoughts drifted to miss Pauling. He wanted to believe that it was just concern over her new job, but he worried that he hadn’t moved on.

”I am going to cook ze food today. But there are many hens, so I need both kitchens.” Jeremy nodded and mindlessly took a bowl and his sugary chocolate cereal. It look him a second after pouring to notice new Spy staring. “What is that?”

”It’s cereal. Mostly just kids eat it for breakfast but I uh… get in a hurry.” Normally, Scout wouldn’t be embarrassed about not cooking most days, but this new guy was right here gatherin stuff for a big meal. He felt pretty lazy.

”I need to get food from ze other kitchen started. Come there after cereal.” And with that, Spy wandered off with an armful of clean pots.

When Scout opened the passageway door 10 minutes later, he found the Spy chopping vegetables. That was weird, there weren’t really any in the other fridge, even after a restock. “You go to town last night?” Spy turned around and shook his head. He opened another hidden door.

“Ze delivery people put ze new produces in this bread pocket so it would not rot.” Spy set down the knife and brought over a white paper box from the island. It was full of fancy looking bread that Jeremy wasn’t familiar with. “Have this pain au chocolat.” He said, plopping the dessert into his hand.

It was a real flaky bread with chocolate filling! Scout was surprised that it was still fresh, but quickly remembered that newbie woulda thrown out any moldy bread.

Things seemed to be going pretty well for a while. Jeremy offered to help Spy if he wanted it, and was tasked with putting the vegetables in each pot. He noticed a lot of butter. But he noticed that everything had grinded to a halt when they got to cutting the chickens.

New Spy was staring blankly at the fancy bird with a knife half raised in his hand. At first, Jeremy assumed he was just making up his mind on somethin, but he stayed like that for 10 minutes before he decided to speak up.

“You uh, alright man?” He asked. Spy blinked once and sighed. “Sorry, it’s… I wasn’t planning to do meals so soon after… after relocation.” He didn’t explain any further than that. But Scout got a very sudden feeling that there was much more going on.

“Well uh, I could try to help you. Cut the time in half, right?” Spy flinched for some reason before putting on a forced, close-lipped grin. “I think that would be best, thank you. I’m not feeling… fast right now.”

Spy got to work browning stuff in one of the pans. “Cut ze drumsticks and ze thighs off 2 hens.” Scout remembered watching Ma cut the turkey at thanksgiving and did his best. As far as he could tell it was decent, but he figured Spy might not agree. He glanced over from the bacon and veggies in the pan. “Did I… do it right?” He asked. “It does not have to be perfection. The bulk of ze meat is where we want.” Good.

“So, uh… what are we making right now?” Jeremy got the feelin he should keep things light. Something was botherin the new guy. “Coq au vin.” He snorted and spy blinked at him. He was almost convinced that it was because it sounded like his old man’s weird *** snort laugh. Oh wait, no. New guy wouldn’t know about that. “What is funny?”

”Oh, just sounded like an American word for… something.” Spy stirred for a while and made Scout believe he’d moved on. “Oh, is word for *****.” He wheezed like Ma and for some reason newbie looked even more surprised.

They prepped something called “chicken fricassee” which two more hens worth’a drums and thighs, then two pots of… um…

”Wait, what was it called?” “Poulet a la Moutarde Francaise.” “Uh….” “Mustard chicken.” Maybe there was a good reason for fancy names after all.

With the remainin four chickens, they prepped two to be roasted whole. Cut the thighs and drums off the others for “chicken chasseur” n that left the breasts for “chicken Provençal”. Scout watched new Spy take the bones and put them in a big metal thing.

“What are you gonna do with the bones?” “Chicken stock.” He answered, shoving them in the big freezer. Apparently some of the other freezer mystery tubs were stock or sauces.

—————————

Good lord, the base smelled magnificent. It took half the team just to make sure Solly didn’t go in the kitchen and mess up that cookin food. Thankfully Engineer didn’t have to keep Pyro out on account of his mask.

They knew Spy was French, they knew that but.. it was easy to forget the whole “food hub” thing when the smoking room wasn't for meals. Spy musta been cookin and eating in his secret kitchen, or the base woulda smelled like this sooner.

Demoman wasn’t much affected by the smell. It was nice to be sure, but he had gone on with his pure alcohol diet so long that food didn’t tempt him. But he noticed Sniper of all people pacing around all impatient like. He liked to live on the land, but even he weren’t immune to good cookin.

Heavy was glad that Spy had not gone to his house in Siberia. Not just because of Scout being ill, but because he wouldn’t have been happy with the food. There were many less spices in a place so far, and mother had to make them last. Normally he was content with his sandviches, but he could tell this meal would be a treat.

Medic locked Archimedes and the other doves in the medbay. They, like him, had no qualms about eating cooked bird. Archimedes might have possibly eaten a cooked dove if it were offered to him, but he was cute and the doctor was content with that.

Antoine wasn’t looking forward to dinner. It wasn’t doubt in his own abilities or the healthfulness of the food. He just.. he didn’t want to cook for a new team! On that Helicopter he told himself he’d be wise this time, not overly friendly and naive. But here he was cooking for a strange team without a proper mask to hide his face.

And he missed them. It was the same good food, but it wasn’t for them. They weren’t… here. Was he really about to do this so soon? During his failed relocation, with total strangers?

He pictured the desert Scout assisting him earlier that day. If he’d been alone, that good hen would have gone rancid from him standing useless at the counter. And it shouldn’t be like that. He shouldn’t be like that. Desert Scout seemed like a nice enough guy. Someone he would befriend if he got to stay, but that probably would not happen. But for now, it was nice knowing someone near his age who was kind.

This Scout reminded him of Merriam, actually. He missed her, even if she hated him forever. Of course she didn’t know the secret. She and Jeremy were safer that way. He debated calling her on the desert Spy’s phone but felt afraid it was tapped.

It had surprised him that the missing Spy was French actually. France was in Europe, and while it’s people were not as pasty and weak to heat as the British, it was not a sweltering country. He took the nightmares over staying awake long in the weeks he spent in that cave. Better to conserve energy that way. The missing Spy had expensive tastes and probably did not much like heat himself. What possessed him to move to a desert team?

He may have been one of the bad spies. The ones who sell their teammates secrets. He knew they were out there, his old team warned him to speak with carefulness around other RED spies, not just BLU. He wouldn’t let that advice go to waste, especially if his family could be tracked.

—————————

New Spy laid out a really epic spread of food! Jeremy had to admit, he’d been skeptical of the meal gettin boring using the same veggies in so many fancy French dishes. But he was wrong. It all looked so good, and he wanted to taste everything!

There were really smooth yellow mashed potatoes and some kinda greens, and lots and lots of chicken! Spy wrapped some melon in fancy deli meat and put it on a cutting board with cheese, olives and more deli meat. There was a tray of colorful desserts and fancy breads like the one he ate at breakfast, too.

Engineer made sure to grab some extra dessert and watered down wine with Pyro’s plate, and loaded up his own with just about everything he and Spy could fit. Heavy had already told him they didn’t eat at the table, but at least Engie knew he hadn’t offended baby Spy.

Heavy was interested in the cheese platter, but skipped it because he knew his big hands would touch everyone else’s share by mistake. But he was pleased with the red sauced chicken meals and the roasted whole breast. He took a spiral bread from the edge of the dessert tray and it was very sweet and pleasantly delicate.

Medic enjoyed the mushroom based sauce on the mashed potatoes, it reminded him of Germany’s different gravies. The meat wrapped cantaloupe was surprisingly good, and even if the spinach was soft and unlike sauerkraut, the flavor was still very good. He made sure to grab an extra plain pastry to share with his birds later.

Spy hooked Demoman up wit scotch and some stronger wine instead of insisting that he eat. He appreciated it, even if the drink was too mild for him to get a buzz.

Soldier had never been a fancy civilized person. He preferred to sleep outside surrounded by raccoons, not in buildings that were too neat and riddled with rules. He was enjoying the food though. He hoped that Spy might make more for him and Zhanna sometime, because the only other place to get fancy people food was fancy people restaurants. And he could tell that she would feel just as itchy to leave as him in a place like that.

Sniper didn’t usually go for smaller white meat birds, preferring emu and other big Aussie bird meat, but the red sauces appealed to him. He liked the fancy desserts well enough, even if he didn’t know what the squishy stuff was… not pudding.. not frosting. It was good though. The mustardy chicken was good broken up and eaten with the green stuff, which he took to be polite.

Scout was having a blast! He never knew there were so many ways to cook chicken and make it taste different. And new Spy probably knew like seven more ways. French food had always seemed like a distant idea behind his stinking deadbeat father and his stuck up attitude. It always sounded snobby by proxy.

But maybe his dumb*** dad was used to good food like this, and that’s why he hated the fried chicken Scout bought. He had to admit, if he ate it after a bite of one of these dishes it would taste like cardboard. But that didn’t make it right to waste food like he did during the bread monster accident. Letting it fall on the floor and get gross… whatever, this wasn’t about him.

There was mustardy chicken that was really good with the green stuff and a plain “croissant”. The roasted chicken was lemony and had a bunch of green spices on it. The white sauce with mushrooms went super well with the good mashed potatoes. He ate pieces of cheese from the cutting board in between the heavier red sauced chicken. And even the melon thing he tried was good!

He got full faster than he usually did eating chicken. But then again, he usually just ate a bucket of fried drumsticks with no mashed potatoes or other stuff. It was kind of boring food, now that he thought about it. He smelled something like peanut butter on the dessert tray and decided it was worth trying. New Spy told him it was hazelnut flavored; he knew because he ate one too.

————————

The leftover food was put in the shared kitchen, except for the cheese board and some of the pastries, which Antoine took back to the other Spy’s kitchen. Then everyone went to bed. He was glad that everyone liked the food, especially since it meant they didn’t watch him too closely. The sound of Scout innocently cutting the raw chicken bones apart almost made him vomit earlier.

It was not so bad at dinner, but his stomach still churned looking at the food he wished he was serving to his old team. He ate the potatoes, roasted chicken and creamed spinach instead of having the same fun as the others. It all went down well enough, and when the desert Scout was unsure of what dessert he had eaten, he worked up the guts to taste one and tell him the flavor. He missed them. And he missed Merriam. It took him longer to fall asleep in the chair by the fire, even though he was just as full as the desert team who were dreaming in peace. For once, he did not have a nightmare.

Here’s what the meal would have looked like, more or less

Coq au Vin

Chicken Fricassee

Poulet a la Moutarde Francaise

Chicken Chasseur

Chicken Provençal

Roasted whole chicken

Charcuterie board

Mashed potatoes

Creamed Spinach because health [same]

The desserts

The hazelnut thing Scout ate.

[echologname]

🚨Overdosing on your inhaler⚠️

The doctor I spoke with said inhaler ODing isn't well researched because most people don't over do it. However, it does happen to some asthmatic individuals, especially during desperate times. This was my experience and I hope to God no one will have to suffer the side effects like I have been the past few weeks. 😭

It started when I got a horrible cold and with my asthma, even a small upper respiratory infection suffocates me. With this big one, I was having asthma attacks too often to sleep for 3 days, the night before I ODed, I fell asleep on the bathroom floor because I needed the steam to sooth my lungs because I COULDN'T catch my breath, I would just keep coughing so much that I'd gag on trying to inhale. So, sleep deprivation was probably a factor in my poor judgement. I was taking Advair, a 12 hr inhaler and I got confused with the Albuterol, a 4 hr that's safe to take multiple puffs of if I NEED it to continue breathing. I was supposed to take 2 MAX of the Advair out of the entire day but instead I took 6 or more (I wasn't keeping track, I was too tired and spacey). That night, (exactly one week before Thanksgiving) I suddenly felt like my whole body was on fire, my heart was racing, I was shaking, pupils were dilated, I felt like I was dying a horrible death and wanted to go to the ER but my mom assured me I was fine and I just needed to wait for the steroids to pass out of my system. So, I just laid on the floor of my parent's bedroom all night going through the worst experience I've EVER gone through (kidney stone is a close second).

I use the Albuterol as a rescue inhaler because it's fast acting, it contains beta-agonists which reduce inflammation and bronchoconstriction to help increase airflow through the tubules in the lungs called bronchioles which get inflamed and restricted due to triggers aggravating them like a virus.

I've never taken Advair before, insurance suddenly decided Dulera (and before that, Symbicort) was no longer supported. Anyway, I misheard the directions when they were given to me verbally (God, the one time my autistic brain is too tired to process, it could have killed me!😵) and thought taking multiple was safe (the directions aren't on the inhaler itself, it's on the box that was thrown out). Anyway, these types of inhalers are only for preventative measures to make the bronchioles less sensitive to triggers and are a corticolsteroid.

So, inhalers aren't a medication that magically makes you less asthmatic, it's artificial cortisol, the stress hormone. It targets your nervous system and purposefully gives you mild stress (if you took the correct dosage, this wouldn't be as noticable) so your body's survival instincts will keep you from suffocating.

If you have allergies, you may be familiar with an EpiPen. They contain epinephrine which is artificial adrenaline and works the same way. Taking a dose of epinephrine is dangerous which is why it's ONLY used in emergencies and why you ALWAYS call 911 after using it.

So, the side effects of inhalers:

From Albuterol's website:

Nervousness or shakiness, headache, throat or nasal irritation, and muscle aches. More-serious — though less common — side effects include a rapid heart rate, called tachycardia, or feelings of fluttering or a pounding heart, called palpitations.

So, that explains a lot. 😨

And for Advair:

Upper respiratory tract infection, throat irritation, hoarseness and voice changes, thrush in your mouth or throat, bronchitis, cough, headache, and nausea and vomiting. In children with asthma, infections in the ear, nose, and throat are common.

I also read that some side effects of an inhaler can be seizures. Thank God that didn't happen.😬

What I've been personally experiencing weeks after the incident:

Coughing and tightness in my lungs and insomnia (how ironic this started because I was coughing so much and losing sleep over it. Now I've hardly slept in weeks). My chest has been hurting like CRAZY non-stop. Headaches and sharp pain for muscle cramps. My kidney where I had a kidney stone 3 years ago aches. Basically, every inch if my body hurts all the time, some parts much more than others. And WORST of all, episodes of reoccurring symptoms from that night where I feel like I'm dying again.

The panic attacks:

I never realized how disabling these Hellish experiences are! I can't function, my nerves are haywire and I feel like I'm in desperate need of medical attention. My chest pain has worsened, heart rate increased, a burning sensation in my chest (I assume it's the nerves themselves being inflamed) and I can't help but shake.

After following up with a doctor:

So, during one particularly bad panic attack, I was on the floor writhing in pain and crying, begging to be driven to the ER. They did an EKG, bedside echocardiogram, x-rays and blood tests and couldn't find anything wrong and diagnosed it as anxiety. Yeah, I've had moments when I'm really nervous or worried and might have called it anxiety at the time but this was WAY worse. It didn't seem triggered by any thoughts, it just happened whenever I'd try to be sleeping or watching a cartoon. It was explained to me that my BODY is traumatized, not necessarily my mind and it's coping and trying to protect itself by replaying the same horrible symptoms. I did follow up with my doctor's assistant who prescribed me anxiety meds and said the anti-depressants my GI prescribed for my IBS would work fine to start taking daily. She also referred to a therapist and I asked for a doctor's note to take my untrained service dog prospect to school with me as an ESA (the ADA only allows public access to fully trained service dogs and NOT ESAs but my school has an exception to that).

It's probably going to take a while to finally feel fine again, but, I'm glad I'm not dead, I learned A LOT and I'm slowly healing every day, even when I still feel awful. Also, I have a loving supportive family and dogs that take care of and comfort me. And I've never been more thankful this Thanksgiving for them and that I'll get to have a merry Christmas with them too.❤️

...

Side note: the day after ODing, I suddenly felt like I didn't have a cold anymore. I hypothesize because my body was under SO MUCH stress, it flooded itself with white blood cells as a response to being in survival mode which KOed the virus. When I had my kidney stone, I was in such immense pain, my white blood cell count was abnormally high which initially concerned the doctors until they concluded it was probably from the pain and stress my poor body was enduring.

[justkending]

Found Memories. Chapter 2.

Finding Memories Sequel: (I advise you to read the 1st series for context).

Series Summary: Following the aftermath of Finding Memories, Bucky tries to complete goals he feels she would have discovered for herself as a way to let her memory live on. However, he never expected to find someone very close to who he believed she would have been if given the chance of normalcy. A journey of mourning someone he lost turned into a journey of discovering someone new happens upon the soldier. Maybe this whole normal thing isn’t as bad as he had pictured it in his mind. Maybe he had a better shot at it than he ever tried to imagine.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x (Teacher) Reader 

Word Count: 4700+

Playlist Song: Magdalene by: The 502's

A/N: I know I said I wouldn't post another chapter until I finish writing the entire series, but I checked the follower count for the first time in a while and realized we passed 3000 followers recently!!! So I'm posting this in celebration of the 3155 people that have been kind enough to follow my writing journey and interact with stories that I put a lot of my time and effort into :) I can not explain how thankful I am for each and every one of your support!! XO

Chapter Notes: This chapter is written from the perspective of the reader. Each chapter will (for the most part) switch back and forth from Bucky and Y/N Clark's 1st person. I've read some books recently that did it in this format, and it was fun to read that way and see all points of view ;) Plus, I thought it was only fair that we saw Y/N's perspective from the last chapter, and you can get an idea of the character she will play. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it because this REALLY IS THE LAST chapter I'm posting until the series is complete. As always, please feel free to comment, even if just emojis or a few words. They all mean the world to a writer!!

Chapter 2:

I hadn't planned on going to the compound anytime soon, but Tony Stark had proved to be a sneaky man when it came to getting his way. 

When I saw Morgan Stark on my enrollment sheet, my principal made a special visit to my room during the last week of summer when we reported before the kids. I was nervous about the kind of parent relationship that was to come after how serious she made the endeavor.

My principal, who is also one of the reasons I'm not staying at this school for another year, made it a big deal and practically scared me shitless that if anything was not to Mr. Stark's liking when it came to his daughter's education, it was on me to fix or else I'd be screwed.

It was a lot of pressure, considering this was a man who had saved humanity more than once and was likely to continue to rack up that number. 

But the pressure was quickly taken away when he showed up to meet the teacher, and he and his wife, Pepper, were nothing short of kind and supportive parents every teacher hopes to work alongside of. 

Now was he a little forward and slightly egotistical? Yes. But I was prepared, considering his reputation. Pepper balanced him perfectly and quickly put him in his place if he started getting a little too brash. 

And it was quickly shown during any minor and major holiday that they were big-time gift-givers and loved to shower those that worked with them with random treats and thoughtful, yet overpriced, 'appreciations' as they called them.

I remember getting a card during Thanksgiving break that seemed simple and like any other card a parent sends as a thank you, but inside was a gift certificate for a spa day. 

And no, not just a mani and pedi or a massage. It was an entire spa day treatment including; mudbaths, facials, full body massage, hot rock therapy, mani-pedi, acupuncture, and a list of other things I had never even heard of or knew as options. They had already paid for and scheduled it for me, and they had handed it to me like a Mcdonald's gift card. 

I didn't feel right taking something like that from a parent even if I knew they were billionaires and it was equivalent to a Mcdonald's gift card to them. So I attempted to give it back and handed it back to Happy, who usually picked up Morgan and told him it was a kind offer, but I couldn't accept it. 

The next day I had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me in the front office and a card that said;

"Sorry for leaving Tony in charge of your holiday gift. He doesn't realize how intense he gets in that department… But please do treat yourself to a spa day! I changed the package so that you and your sister can enjoy it together, and it's not nearly as overwhelming as the things he added to it. We appreciate all you do for our family. You deserve the pampering!"

It was a sweet gesture, and it felt rude to not take it after they had sent it back to me. I asked my assistant principal about it, who had Tony as a parent for the last 5 years, and she also said to take it. I wasn't used to the private school demographic as much, and she assured me that though it was nicer than what most parents gift, she's seen him gift more outrageous things that Pepper had to fix in the past. 

"I had to talk him down from donating a hot air balloon ride for our field day last year. A spa gift certificate is nothing compared to what I've seen that man do…" she had said. 

So though it still felt weird, I took advantage of it and took my younger sister to the spa, and we enjoyed the massages, mani-pedi, and facials we were kindly given.

All that to say, I've learned this semester that Tony was an ornery man. He reminded me of my father when it came to how he joked in conversations and how blunt he could be about his thoughts and ideas. 

I had thrown something back to him during our first parent-teacher conference by the complete mistake of not filtering my thoughts. And when I thought I was going to get fired, he let out a loud laugh and told Pepper, "Finally, someone who can dish it back and not get butt hurt," he had laughed with a giant grin. 

I apologized quickly and rambled about how he has remarks like my dad, and it was just a reflex to say what I countered with, and Pepper laughed too. 

"It's ok, Ms. Clark. Tony needs the sass to keep him in line as often as possible."

"Yeah, it gets boring when people walk on eggshells around you. Where's the fun in etiquette?" 

That got a quick eye-roll from his wife and a slap to the arm, which he laughed at, and we continued our meeting.

Since then, I have kept a professional demeanor around him, but I also don't hold back when he needs a quick sarcastic remark to put him in his place. 

Now his sliding a resume into Morgan's homework folder was also on the list of things I was not expecting. Right next to the custom-made Stark iPad he gifted me for Labor Day. (Which who gives gifts for Labor Day?)

The resume was an offer to be a personal tutor for Morgan once she got to middle school. She was in 5th grade right now, and she was a bright girl. I don't know why he was worried about her having the extra help, but nonetheless, he offered me a job to be her full-time one-on-one tutor for next year. 

He was willing to pay me enough that I wouldn't need a second job as a teacher. I would solely be Morgan's tutor, and the benefits and pay would be enough for me to work little hours for a salary that a top surgeon in New York would make. 

A part of me struggled with the offer. I knew money-wise it would take care of everything I struggled with; rent, medical bills, helping my sister through college, and the list went on. 

I should have jumped at this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work under one of the wealthiest and most admired men alive, but my heart could never accept something like that merely because it was such an outrageous opportunity to fall in my lap. 

I kept saying in the back of my head that I hadn't joined this career for the money. It was never about the money.

The only reason I took a private school job this last year (which a friend was kind enough to get my foot in the door for) was that money was tight, and I needed the slight boost that public school funding couldn't give me. But I wasn't giving up teaching; I was just moving to a different group of kids to teach. A lot more privileged and supported demographic, but I was still influencing kids' lives.

Though after the last few months, I realized it wasn't a fit for me. As much as I wanted to make it be that and push my morals aside to continue so I could keep paying for things without going into debt, deep down, it wasn't what I signed up for. 

I was meant to help the underprivileged and poverty-level kids. I was that kid that grew up with one parent working more than one minimum-wage job to make ends meet and the other being underpaid as a school teacher themselves for most of my life. The educators who aided and encouraged me to be where I am now made me passionate about the same efforts. 

With all that to be said, I was moving back to the public school in New York after this year, and Tony had found out. 

It wasn't that I didn't care for the kids at this school. I loved them. My group of 5th graders had become 18 of my own personal children. I wanted the world for them and everything in between. The difference was they could have the world and everything in between. They had access to those resources. 

The kids I was going back to had lived in a world I knew far better than the one I was in. I wasn't of major aid to my upper-class students as much as I was to the lower class. And at the end of the day, my job wasn't about the money; I continued to remind myself. It was about the next generation getting the support they needed and deserved. 

So when I saw that Morgan had left her sweater in the classroom before the break and I had the resume in my hand, I called and asked if I could come to talk with him about it. 

I hadn't been to the compound, and the size and security of it all was nerve-racking. The number of guards, levels of clearance, and private entrances I had to go through just to meet him in the lobby was intense. 

I couldn't help but marvel at the architect and the sufficiency the place ran on while walking up the steps outside into the building. 

People were walking around in grey and neutral-colored attire, and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb with my bright red and checkered winter coat. Though I like neutral colors, I was never one to keep strictly to that. It was near impossible for me to pass up an accessory or statement piece that popped with color. Hence why I always got the comment, "Oh, you're an elementary teacher? You definitely have the wardrobe for it." 

Thank God I spotted Tony only a few seconds after entering the foyer because there were three different reception desks, which I'm sure went to all kinds of departments of the massive establishment, but I wasn't sure which one to approach. 

He approached me with open arms and gave me a hubristic smile as I gave him a keen one in return. 

"The homework folder is meant to hold Morgan's work. Not your side hustles," I said with a raised eyebrow as I handed him a new folder with just the resume in it.

"It's work from a Stark; does that not count?" he said back, his grin never leaving. 

"Yeah, but the work I'm supposed to review is usually based on story elements and division facts. I don't think Morgan is worried about salary levels and insurance benefits at her age."

"With a work ethic like her mother and a brain like her mother… She'll be managing a place like this in no time," he placed his hands in his pockets, not taking the folder just yet. 

I handed off the sweater instead and held onto the folder, knowing I wouldn't be leaving with it either way. 

"That I can't argue. But she may want to get her math down before she starts something like that up," I held onto my tote bag with one hand and dropped the other with the folder. 

"Which is why I had that in her folder, so math and whatever else she needs help in, she can have you to h-." 

He was cut off when a tall, dark-skinned man approached abruptly. I recognized him as one of the Avengers but didn't want to seem shocked or freaked out, considering I was in their home, basically. 

"Hi," he said. 

Running to his side was a second Avenger I somewhat recognized, but he seemed more hesitant and nervous compared to the man with a sweet gap-toothed smile in front of me. 

Tony's light and teasing mood seemed to disappear with his interruption, and he took a breath before saying, "I told you I would help you after I talked with-." He was cut off as the man patted him on the arm and went to introduce himself. 

"Sam Wilson," he smiled kindly, offering his hand, which I smiled back and took. 

"Y/N Clark. Nice to meet you." 

Sam seemed to give his friend a silent look that communicated something else, and the blue-eyed man extended his hand as well. 

"James Barnes," he gave a tight-lipped smile like he was being forced to converse, but I returned a firm handshake and responded. 

"Mr. Barnes. Nice to meet you." 

I realized then I had seen this man earlier today at the coffee shop I stopped at before my errand here. I didn't have my head on straight at the time cause my sister had called saying that the repair man who was supposed to fix our balcony door had once again canceled and rescheduled. This was the fourth time now, and it felt like our apartment was crumbling beneath us with the 20 other things my landlord had kept pushing off. 

I thought I saw him staring then too, but like most strangers, I see in public, I just gave a brief smile and moved on with my day. Though in New York, I'm still learning that isn't a regular thing here. Many native New Yorkers could go the whole day not making eye contact with a single soul on the overpopulated streets. 

I brushed past the fact he was studying me like I was him, as if we were both looking for an answer to a question we didn't even know.

Tony turned all of our attention back to him as he introduced me to them briefly and promptly gave them death glares. Clearly, they were waiting on something from him, and he wasn't showing patience for what I assume were usual antics between the two with how they talked to each other. 

"Cyborge and Birdman, this is Ms. Clark. She's Morgan's teacher. Ms. Clark, these are two of my most impatient co-workers. Who I asked to give me a second before I talked with them…" 

"Thank this one for the interruption," James said while childishly shoving his friend to the point he teetered on his feet. 

"Just seemed rude to not introduce your colleagues," Sam gritted. 

"It's fine," I spoke up, attempting to break some of the tension building. And instantly, Mr. Barnes's eyes were back on me like they had been in the coffee shop. But I acted like I didn't notice and turned to Mr. Stark. "I was here to just drop off these two things anyway." 

I handed the folder off successfully this time since his attention was turned to the other two, and he took it while staring at them still. 

"Yeah, well, I had a few things I wanted to discuss without… This interruption." If looks could kill, his co-workers would be in a casket 6 feet under right where they stood. 

"I appreciate what you're offering, but I've already told you I have a job set with another district after this year."

James Barnes was grinning like a child who just got revenge, but why, I wasn't sure. 

"Yeah, but… Money." Tony said the last word like it was a magic word that would make me reconsider everything instantly and fold. 

"Money is great and all, but it's not what this is about, Mr. Stark." I couldn't help but laugh even if deep down I knew the risk I was taking not accepting his proposal. I went to readjust my tote on my shoulder as a nervous tic. "Maybe after winter break and I get some paperwork back from the new school I'll be at, we will better understand what I'll have on my plate."

"That sounds like a well-worded way to put this conversation off," Tony smirked. 

He wasn't wrong. I had worded it specifically as a way to keep it on the table for him knowing he'd never relent, but also to be able to walk away from the conversation and not get convinced out of my already made-up mind.

"It's Christmas break, Mr. Stark. Have a great vacation with your family, and happy holidays," I nodded, starting to turn out to walk, but before I was completely turned back, I looked at the other two men. "You two as well. I hope the world is kind enough to give you all a break as you deserve during this time." 

It was true. Crime and bad guys never ended, from what the news showed, and I couldn't imagine what big holidays looked like around here. 

"If I know anything about teaching, I know you'll need a break just as much," Sam shouted towards me after I was a few feet away, making me laugh.

"Happy Holidays," I said a final time before moving for the exit, thankful that the two men were there to distract Tony from trying to convince me to join his payroll. 

___________________________ 

"Oh sweet loving sister of mine, I'm home," I shouted in a sing-song voice but was abruptly cut off when I shut the door, and she stood on the other side like a damn statue. "Mother Fu-! Hallie!" I shouted after a scream let out of me first. "Why the hell are you acting like a Victorian ghost-child and standing there like that?" 

"Why didn't you tell me where you were going?" she said, quickly bypassing how she made my heart practically stop beating for 5 seconds too long. 

"I told you I was going to run errands," I answered vaguely, already knowing where she was going with this but not wanting to give her the advantage. 

"Yeah, errands don't normally involve going to the Avenger's Compound!" she shouted with her arms up as she watched me walk into the kitchen and follow me. 

"Jesus, lower your voice. We have neighbors," I grumbled, throwing my bag on the hooks on the wall and taking my coat off as well. 

"Answers, please," she crossed her arms like a mother who had just caught her daughter sneaking out to a party. 

"I had to drop off something that Morgan left at the school. I figured she'd want her coat for winter break," I answered honestly, just leaving out a few other details. 

"Like she wouldn't have a whole room for winter coats alone. Why did you really go?" Hallie continued to interrogate. 

I looked at her, and she was unwavering. I let out a huff of air, going to the fridge to grab a Dr. Pepper and the sweet cream to make my favorite drink after an eventful day. 

"I'm not lying when I said I went to drop that off," I said, pouring the soda into a glass and waiting for the foaming bubbles to go down. "And you know exactly why I didn't tell you I was going there." 

"You act like I'd go insane if I stepped a single foot on that estate," she groaned, pulling a stool out at our island/ kitchen table in the tiny New York City apartment we shared. "Even if Captain Roger's has walked on those tiles and maybe breathed in the same air and all…" 

"Here we go…" I mumbled, shaking the creamer bottle as I waited for what I knew was to come. 

"And so what if Natasha Romanoff has probably sat in the chairs or road the elevator that leads to what I assume are suites and apartments they have to themselves on the top levels?" she paused for effect as if waiting for me to confirm or deny as if I would know. But I just stared at her, and she continued without hesitation. "It's no big deal that Sam Wilson has probably flown the EX0-7 Falcon wingsuit in the field that surrounds the compound. Or maybe even hearing Steve playing an old jazz record. I know that cause there was a girl who used to live on his street when he stayed in the city, and she said there were a few nights that he would play all kinds of old songs with beautiful trumpet solos. Oh, and!" 

I absentmindedly poured the practiced amount of sweet cream into the Dr. Pepper, grabbed a straw to stir it, and took sips of it as I patiently waited for her to finish her fantasies. 

She went on about Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Wanda Maximoff, and any other Avenger that came to mind until she noticed me stop sipping my drink and start to slow-blink at her. 

"Stop. I know that look," she pointed, stopping in her rant abruptly. 

"What the you-just proved-my-point look?" I fluttered my eyelashes at her and took another sip. 

"Shut up," she sneered, even though she knew I was right. 

As if he had just realized people were home, her small senior brown-haired and deaf dog came hobbling around the corner and yipped when he looked at me. 

"Hey, Chuck Norris," I sighed, and he came up to me, barking at my leg like I was an intruder in my own home. "I still don't think he's used to me."

"You say that like you didn't live with him for 10 years," Hallie laughed, walking over and picking him up with one hand and cradling him in her arm. 

"Three of those years were just visits back home. I figured after a month of you being moved in here, his memory would catch up to realize I'm still the same person when we first rescued him." 

Chuck Norris was a tiny little mutt my sister had found behind a dumpster in the parking lot of a Cracker Barrel close to where we lived when we were younger. 

The vet had said he was already about four or five when we brought him in, but he had no microchips or anything showing he belonged to someone. He was also malnourished from only eating scraps that fell out of the dumpster since he wasn't big enough to scrounge through it himself. So he came with a laundry list of things he needed fixing with his tiny weak body. 

We only ever had one cat growing up, so it was a responsibility my parents weren't too sure about taking on. But my sister being who she is, made a presentation the next night and was able to persuade them to let her keep him for at least a month to show she could handle it. 

After a month, they saw how special of a dog he was to her and how she was practically the only one he trusted, and they couldn't just send him to the pound after that. 

The laundry list of illnesses and help he was going to need to get him back on his feet led to a lot of medical bills in his future. But luckily, an old friend of mine I had gone to high school with went into Veterinary school and helped my family out a few times since we were still close. 

Now Chuck Norris lived here, and he didn't care that I, even if I was paying most of the bills, lived here along with him. He only trusted one person wholeheartedly in his life, and that was my sister. 

Now being 14, possibly 15 years old, his eyes weren't great, and he was almost a hundred percent deaf besides sharp noises he happened to hear every once in a while. I'm almost positive he had some form of dementia, too, cause he treated me like a stranger most of the time.

He must have been sleeping when I came in cause a lot of times, if he sees my walk in, he's at my feet barking and acting like he's going to be the one to bring an end to the big monster that teases and picks at his mom. 

As for the name… Don't ask. My sister's an anomaly, and that's the only answer I have to give for that.

"Back to the question at hand," my sister continued, and I groaned overdramatically before walking to the couch with my drink and turning the TV on. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to see the Tony Stark?!"

"First off, I think you answered that question when you went on your little tangent of extremely specific details. You've for sure daydreamed about the Avengers, you nerd," I started, looking up at her where she stood by the coffee table with the glossy-eyed brown mutt in her hand, who I couldn't tell was looking at me or the window that was behind me. "And second, who's to say I even saw Mr. Stark? I was just dropping off a sweater, and I could have very well just left it at reception and carried on with my day." 

"It's the fact you're saying it all as a 'could have' scenario instead of just saying you did," she deadpanned. 

She had me there, and that one was on me. 

"It's not like it's the first time I've ever met him. He is the parent of one of my students, so it's not a big deal to me anymore," I brushed it off and looked to the TV, and started mindlessly scrolling through the evening shows. 

 She immediately cut off my view by standing right in front of it.

"Move," I said, peeking my head around her body, which she quickly blocked again. 

"Once, I'm asking once, that I get to meet him," she bargained. 

"Eventually. Just not before the break. We're all tired and have been busy, him, I'm sure more than anyone, and I don't think the compound is where he wants to worry about crazy obsessed fans bombarding him," I looked at her with a big-sister stare. "Now, the whole thing is already over and done. Can I please just drink this and watch an episode of this documentary I've been waiting to decompress to all day?" 

As if I was asking too much and the universe needed to humble me, the coat rack I had hung my coat and tote bag earlier fell to the floor with a harsh crash. 

I didn't even look in the direction of the latest home improvement added to the list, but instead closed my eyes and sat up some. 

"Classic," I mumbled and started to move to the closet we kept our toolbag in, but before I could stand up, Hallie stopped me. 

"Don't. I bargained with the building repair man to come tomorrow instead of making us wait another week," she said, looking back at the damage. "He can do that as an extra fix for being an ass."

"How'd you manage that?" 

I looked at her, impressed, considering the guy was a nuisance and very much a man's man. In other words, "How could two girls on their own ever manage without a big strong man to come and save them when things fell apart?" I think he got off on being able to make us wait for him when it came to things we couldn't actually fix. Talk about a savior complex.

"I said I had to bake some cookies for one of my classes and said I would bake some extra if he came sooner," she shrugged. 

"You're a musical theater major. What class is having you bake cookies?" I gave her a weird look. 

"None. I just didn't want him to think I was baking them just for him," she said with a witty smile. 

"Attagirl," I chuckled, patting the couch next to me. "Just for that, I'll let you pick which documentary we binge tonight." 

"Why is it always with the documentaries?" she huffed, sitting next to me despite acting like she was upset with the option. 

"Don't lie and act like you don't get sucked in." I stood up and put the now half-empty drink down. "I'm going to change, but look through the ones we've already started and pick from those."

"Does Unsolved Supernatural with Shane and Ryan count?" I heard her shout as I turned into my room. 

Normally the answer was no, but I could go for something fun and not so serious. 

"Sure, but pick a good episode!" I shouted back. "Let Christmas break commence…" 

The tags have not been acting right as of lately, so if I tagged you and you did get a notification, please let me know! I'm trying to see if people are getting the notifications or not. Thank you!

Let me know if you want to be tagged by sending me an ask here!

Finding Memories Taglist:

@tinkerbelle67 @a-beaverhausen​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @caruhleener​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @fanfictionjunkie1112​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @sjsmith56​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @nancymcl​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @kaygilles​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @laisbeltrans​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @matchat3a​​​​​​​​​​ @ambrosia1846​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @peachiestevie​​​​​​​​​​

Marvel Tags:

@thejourneyneverendsx​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @death-unbecomes-you @mythos-writes​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​  @srrymydood​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @xa-dia​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @redhairedfeistynerd​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @morganclaire4​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @connie326​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @captain-asguard​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @mollygetssherlockcoffee​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @teenagedreams-bucky @shower-me-with-roses​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @livstilinski @basicallylool​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @starryeyeseunbyul​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

My Lovelies forever:

@natura1phenomenon​ @lauravicente​ @kakakatey​ @traceyaudette​ @notyourtypicalrose​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​ @sandlee44​ @thorne93​ @thefaithfulwriter1​ @essie1876​ @greyeyedsmile14​ @capsiclehan​  @xostephanie​ @averyrogers83​ @awesomenursingstudent​ @gh0stgurl​ @cs-please​ @jjlevin​ @rainbowkisses31​ @deannotmoose​ @their-bibliophile​ @kitkatd7​ @willowbleedsonpaper​ @mariaenchanted​ @snffbeebee​ @couldabeenamermaid​ @rebekahdawkins​​ @alyispunk​​ @billyseye @hallecarey1​​

Bucky Barnes Tags:

@chloe-skywalker​ @charmedbysarge​ @jbarness​ @bellamy-barnes​ @katiaw2​ @aikeia​ @stopjustlovethemcu​ @enchantedbarnes

[denim-mixtapes]

Showstopper - The Christmas Special

Pairing: Eddie Munson/Fem!Reader Word Count: 7.1k Summary: It's Christmas break and you're headed to Hawkins to spend it with Eddie, now your boyfriend. Over the first few days of break, you get to meet his uncle Wayne and learn more about his history, and enjoy the holiday so much more than you ever would have if you went to your own family's celebration. You agreed on no presents, but that doesn't mean he can't unwrap you on Christmas Eve. Warnings: NSFW 18+ SMUT, Minors DNI or I’ll put coal in your stocking. Brief mentions of tense family dynamics, VERY brief mentions of death in Eddie's past, Wayne being the best parent around, cute holiday fluff, but then also -- oral (f & m receiving), rough oral sex/face fucking, face sitting, 69 position, VERY very brief mention of anal play in passing like blink and you miss it, a stupid amount of pet names (baby, sweetheart, princess, sweet thing) instead of y/n. I think that covers it but don't hesitate to lemme know if I missed something!

[Part 1] [Part 2] [AO3] -- Part 4 COMING SOON

A/N: Sorry that this took literally forever but also I'm not going to apologize TOO much because I'm trying really hard to not be so hard on myself about deadlines. Anyway, split this into two parts to get it posted quicker, so keep an eye out for the New Year half of the holiday special sometime soon! Thanks for your patience and sticking with me! <;3 <3

The offer for you to stay in Hawkins for Christmas came as naturally to Eddie as the lyrics to his favorite song, he hadn’t even realized it slipped past his lips until you were staring at him incredulously. 

“What?” He asks through a chuckle, fingers stilling where he was once scratching between your shoulder blades, soothing you after a call from home. 

Dropping your head back into your hands with a groan, you reply, “I can’t do that, Eddie.”

His voice is warm, devoid of judgment when he simply asks, “why not? I went to your hometown for Thanksgiving.” 

You can’t help but laugh, sitting up from your hunched position to lean heavily on his shoulder and look at him through your lashes, the slightest pout on your lips. He would deny it if anyone asked him, but he thought the purse of your lips and concern-etched brow only made you that much more endearing. 

“We weren’t actually a couple then, though,” you sigh. With a curious look, he silently urges you to continue, still not seeing the problem you are. “Last I checked, you don’t go home to spend the holidays with your boyfriend’s family after literally less than one month of dating,” you press, “I couldn’t intrude like that, it’s your time with Wayne.” 

“Sweetheart,” he murmurs against your crown, placing a kiss in the very same spot before pulling back to fix you with a hard stare. “You clearly don’t want to go home over the break, and I don’t blame you after seeing how they make you feel first hand. I don’t blame you at all. And I see that old fart every day, Christmas is no different. It wouldn’t be an intrusion, hell, he’s been practically begging me to bring you ‘round so he can meet you,” 

You swear you can feel your chest start to crack open at the thought of Eddie talking about you to his Uncle. It’s a sentiment that might have been obvious or inevitable, but still one that tugs at your heart strings and further deepens the pinch between your brow and the sentimental look on your face. 

“You’re sure?” You ask quietly. 

“Positive.” 

So it was decided. You’ve been officially dating for three weeks and are about to spend your second holiday together. It would be a lie if you said you were surprised, Eddie has never really been one for traditions or societal convention after all.

Robin is thrilled when you tell her, insisting that the both of you make an appearance at her family’s big New Year party, and Steve even makes a point to suggest a few things the four of you (and their gaggle of teenage friends) can do over the course of the week. It seems like everyone is excited that you’ll be spending the Holidays in Hawkins. 

Well, almost everyone. 

“What do you mean you won’t be making it!?” 

You can feel your mother’s rage through the phone, as much as she tries to conceal it. You’re already shaking, twirling the phone cord around your fingers nervously, fidgeting. 

“Exactly what it sounds like,” you sigh, “I won’t be coming home for the holidays, I’ll be spending the break in Indiana with Eddie and his family. It’s only fair, we visited you for Thanksgiving, and considering how well that went, I’m assuming he wouldn’t be welcome back.” The silence on the other line is deafening. “Exactly. So I’ll be going somewhere where we’re both welcome.” 

“Honey you know we would love to have you, I don’t want you to think–”

“The decision has been made, Mom.” 

“Well,” She sputters, trying to find some way to convince you to come…alone. “What do you expect us to do with all your gifts? Return them?” 

“I guess?” You can’t stop the comment from coming out as a laugh. “It’ll save me the trip to the return counter at the mall, myself.” 

She manages to get out half of a scoff before you’re slamming the phone back onto the receiver, hands balling into fists at your sides. 

From her side of the room, Robin shoots you a sympathetic look, closing the textbook she was studying and shuffling to the edge of her bed. “That bad, huh?” 

“I don’t even want to talk about it,” you groan, pinching the bridge of your nose. Desperate for a distraction, you thrust your thumb toward the door. “You still got some shopping to finish up? Want to tag along to the mall?” 

With a signature Robin Buckley toothy smile, she hops off the elevated bed with a thump. “Thought you’d never ask.”

— 

You’ve been at it for hours, traipsing the overcrowded holly jolly halls of a shopping mall during the holiday season, arms weighted down with shopping bags that contained some presents, but mostly gifts for yourselves. Robin is happily slurping on the Icee you’re sharing, while you break off bits of the world’s biggest pretzel and pop them into your mouth. 

All in all, it’s been a successful day. You managed to snag a couple of records that Eddie was having trouble getting his hands on, as well as a new strap and a couple packs of strings for his Warlock. You agreed on no presents, since your relationship was so fresh, but you had the feeling he was going to break the rules just as much as you have, so you somehow keep finding little things here and there to add to the gift. Robin crossed off the last name on her list, her dad, with a fancy bar tool set and a too-expensive bottle of scotch scored with a fake ID. In the same store, you plucked a middle shelf bottle of whiskey from the wall of names, hoping it would make do as a host gift for Wayne. Based on Eddie’s description of the man, you figured it would do just fine, especially when you pair it with a nice insulated flannel. You even managed to sneak away from Robin for just a few minutes to purchase her gift in secret, a book that she picked up and put down several times, debating on if she should buy it for herself or not. You made the decision for her. 

You’ve just fed her a bit of pretzel, causing both of you to burst into a fit of giggles, when she mumbles around the bite, “any other stops?” 

“No, no, I think I’ve spent more than enough money today,” you laugh, steering both of you around a corner and down a corridor that you hope leads back to the parking lot. 

Halfway back to the exit, you pass a Spencer Gifts window display that catches your eye. It’s awful, cheesy as hell, and you’re honestly surprised it’s allowed to be displayed so plainly to the public. Under two neon signs labeled “nice” and “naughty” are two mannequins dressed in scant lingerie. The nice set is Santa themed, all bright red fabric and faux fur trim, with a neat little bow and one jingle bell dangling between the cups. The naughty stops you in your tracks, black, strappy, mesh, downright salacious. 

Robin notices your abrupt stop and follows your line of sight, another laugh bubbling behind her words, “you wanna go in there, don’t you?” 

“I– yes…shut up. I’ll be quick.” 

—

Unlike the drive to your hometown last month, the drive to Hawkins is quick and pleasant. Back seat was loaded down heavily with gifts and a larger suitcase than the last time. You take it a little slower, but the half hour still beats four hours any day. Also unlike last time, you’re making this trip alone. 

Without Eddie there to distract you with conversation, you’re allowed more time for your mind to wander, to race with anxiety. Your fingers tap at the steering wheel, stomach doing flips as you think about the ten days ahead of you. Excitement and nerves battle it out to be your dominant emotion. On one hand, you’re more than excited to get some time with Eddie, uninterrupted by your class schedule or work, looking forward to surprising him with your gifts and seeing him in his natural habitat, meeting his uncle. On the other, you’re scared shitless that with all this access to you, forced to spend ten days in a row together, cooped up in his little hometown…well you’re not worried you'll get tired of each other. You’re convinced you’ll never tire of Eddie Munson. What you’re really worried about is that all that time together could burst the content little bubble you’ve been in, that he might realize you’re not all that exciting at the end of the day. You’re worried he’ll get tired of you. 

Stop. 

You scold yourself for thinking like that as you pull into Forest Hills Trailer Park, gravel crunching under your tires when you roll to a stop in front of the Munson trailer. Gathering as much as you can carry into your arms, you make your way to knock on the door.

When Eddie answers, you’re a sight to behold. Nothing more than a forehead behind a stack of colorfully wrapped boxes, your line of sight obscured by the frilly bow on top of Wayne’s gift. 

“So much for no gifts,” he chides, ducking down to scoop the mess of presents from your grip. Once he’s sure he has a good handle on them, he ducks to kiss your cheek in greeting and then clumsily leads you inside. “Leave the rest,” he urges, “I’ll go get it once I set Santa’s entire workshop under the tree.”

Your cheeks heat at his tease, looking down at your shoes as you mumble, “it isn’t that much.” 

Eddie responds with a hearty laugh, full and genuine, and it blooms more confidence in your chest. When you look up, you see that the ‘tree’ isn’t much more than a string of garland wrapped around a coat rack, but there are handmade and sentimental ornaments strung from it proudly. He dusts off his hands animatedly and turns to you with a proud smile, “I know, I know, but we did say no gifts.” 

The only response you give is a glare toward one of the boxes that was already there, wrapped in butcher paper and labeled with a bold scrawl of your name in permanent marker.

“Only two of those are for you,” you finally say, biting back a laugh at your lie, “okay, three.” 

“Good thing I managed to shove more than one thing in that poorly wrapped box, then.” He makes his way around the pile of gifts and comes to a stop in front of you, finally properly greeting you. With both hands on your cheeks he kisses you fully, an eager, hungry little thing that’s fit to say hello after a few days apart. “Hi.” 

“Hi honey,” you smile into his lips. 

“‘M glad you’re here.” 

—

It’s not until the next morning, the 23rd, that you end up meeting Wayne. 

When you wake, Eddie is still sound asleep and looking at the time you expect him to still be out for at least another hour or so, but the light filtering in through the threadbare curtains is bright enough to rouse you and you know you won’t be able to fall back asleep, so you carefully get out of bed and tiptoe out into the main room of the trailer. 

Once the door is closed tightly behind you in an attempt to muffle any sounds you may make, you begin your search through the cabinets to find coffee and filters. It takes a few moments, but eventually you find them and set the pot to start brewing, perusing the many mugs hanging from the wall while you wait. You pick one blind, a participation trophy from some bowling league in ‘78, and are about to pour yourself a cup when the trailer door rattles open, making you jump. 

Wayne Munson is exactly what you pictured, a tall, tired looking man with sparse salt and pepper hair, white scruff in need of a trim, dressed in work rags and toting a soot stained lunchbox that he drops on the tiny kitchen counter when he enters. His flat features soften as soon as he notices you in the kitchen, his exhaustion melting away into a kind smile. His eyes sparkle just like Eddie’s when he does. 

“Sorry, kiddo,” he says, voice rough with age and a years-long smoking habit. “Didn’t mean to scare you. You must be the girl that’s been taking up all of Ed’s time lately.” He reaches out a hand to shake yours, which you happily accept and offer him your name. Using your handshake as an anchor he pulls you toward him to pat your shoulder affectionately, a kind of half-hug that isn’t much of an embrace. It’s clear he’s a hugger, but realized halfway through that he shouldn’t overstep. Softer now that you’re close, he jokes, “thanks for taking him off my hands.” 

“‘Course,” you laugh, leaning into the charade, “you owe me, though. He’s a handful.” 

“Don’t I know it.”

You point to the coffee pot with raised brows, silently offering him a cup, even though it’s his coffee and you’re in his house.

The man thinks for a long moment, “you know I should be gettin’ to sleep, it’s been a long night…but what the hell. Can’t pass up the opportunity to talk about my nephew with you while he can’t defend himself, right?” 

So you pour him a cup and you chat.

The pair of you spend the better part of an hour talking. He shows an interest in you, asks about school, about what you’re studying and how you and Robin are faring in the dorms and living off of cafeteria food. Eventually the conversation turns toward you and Eddie. Apparently, the boy couldn’t shut up about you, and for quite some time before the infamous Thanksgiving trip. Wayne seemed reluctant to divulge the information, but it came out too easily. You clearly make his kid happy and he just can’t stop himself from asking how he ‘finally locked you down.’ (His words, not yours.) You consider telling him the story you manufactured for your own family, the one about your first date at the Hideout and how you’ve been together for some time now, but there’s signs of life in the bedroom and the door is creaking open.

A slow smile cracks onto your face when you catch sight of Eddie, still soft with sleep and eyes half closed.  

“We’ll have to tell you the full story later,” you say to Wayne, though your gaze is trained only on Eddie. “It’s a wild one.” 

“Yeah, old man, isn’t it past your bedtime?” Eddie jokes from his spot leaning on the counter. Nodding toward the bedroom once more he adds, “c’mon baby, get dressed in something warm, we’ve got plans today.” 

—

“This is stupid, this is fucking stupid, this is so dumb!!”

You’re surrounded by raucous laughter, both of Eddie’s hands clutched tightly in your own as he leads you across the frozen pond on wobbly legs. You’re both giggling, barely even moving, and Robin and Dustin are loudly contributing to the ruckus, their laughter the loudest as she skates circles around you and Dustin trails slowly behind. 

“C’mon, you just gotta trust me,” Eddie insists, unable to hide the jest in his voice. “I won’t let you fall, I swear!” 

For someone so rough around the edges, Eddie is surprisingly nimble on skates. He’s patient with you as you get more sure footing beneath you, leading you around the perimeter of the pond a couple more times. You’re starting to get more confident on your feet when Robin blows by you again, shouting hello to the rest of the teenagers that just arrived, and throws you off your balance, sending you tumbling toward the ground. 

A chill runs up your spine, icy water soaking through your gloves and the seat of your pants when you land with a soft “oof.” Unsure of whether you’re more hurt from the fall or embarrassed that it happened, in the end the only thing that takes over is another weak laugh of disbelief that it happened at all.

“Whoa, hey there–” Eddie comes to a stop in front of you, his own laughter soft and unsure, he wants to make sure you’re okay before fully busting out. You wave off his concern and allow him to help you back up. “How about we take a break from this,” he suggests through his continued fit of giggles, “c’mon.” He leads you slowly over to the small collection of picnic tables, and when you’re firmly in place on one of the benches, tells you to stay put. 

You take in your surroundings as he retreats. It really is a scene ripped right from a Christmas movie. The pond itself is naturally occuring, jagged and lopsided shoreline frozen over in the Indiana winter, but it’s surrounded by food carts and temporary structures. There’s a tent for skate rental, a coffee and cocoa truck surrounded by picnic tables, and even one of the large evergreen trees surrounding the pond is decorated with lights and ornaments for the holiday. It’s bustling with life, small children on wobbly legs (most of them doing better than you had been) lead their parents across the pond happily, a group of carolers walks by serenading you with Joy to the World, and across the way, you spot Robin and Steve with the kids. Steve is play-fighting with one of them you don’t recognize, a feisty redhead giving him a run for his money, as they walk toward you. 

Eddie returns from the skate rental quickly with your shoes tucked under his arm and two festive, steaming paper cups in his hands. Offering you one, he sits on the bench beside you. You take the drink happily, but wrap your hands around his own on the cup so tight that he can’t pull away. 

“What’re you up to, Sweetheart?” He breathes, leaning forward on the bench to kiss your cold nose. You don’t let him go far, chasing his lips for a real kiss, humming contentedly when he doesn’t resist. 

“Nothin’,'' A cheeky smile, another hurried kiss. “Your fingers are freezing. Just tryin’ to keep you warm.” 

“You sure you’re not just trying to hold my hand?” 

You gasp, all drama and playfulness, snatching your cup of cocoa away and leaving his hand hanging in the cold. “I would never.” 

He fixes you with an honest-to-God pout and there’s something on the tip of the tongue when he’s cut off with a shout from the group. 

“Quit making eyes at your girl, Munson!” Dustin shouts, hurling a snowball your way. It misses, narrowly, and lands with a splat on the plastic covered picnic table. “Come on!” 

Eddie’s nose wrinkles in the way that it does when he’s trying to force down a smile, and he leans in toward you to knock your forehead with his own. “My girl,” he mumbles, his voice thick and warm with emotion. 

It’s not the first time he or anyone has referred to you as such, but that doesn’t stop it from making your heart race anyway. Any time Eddie refers to you as his has you grinning from ear to ear.

“Go on,” you urge, then kiss the apple of his cheek affectionately. “Go have fun, I’ll hang out here where I’m not a danger to myself.” 

It’s with another dramatic, smacking kiss that he makes his exit, skating away with a little too much finesse – even for him. You watch him circle his younger friends, taunting them with a wide smile and a boisterous laugh. He tugs on the girl’s braid, lunging away with exaggerated fear when she reaches for him in retaliation, throws handfuls of loose snow at Mike and Dustin, cowers behind Steve when they try to get him back. He’s happy here, in his element, and it starts to make a little more sense how he got on so well with your younger cousins back at Thanksgiving. 

You’re so enraptured watching him gently bully his friends that you don’t notice Robin joining you on the bench until she speaks up. 

“I like this look on you.” She hums, a shit-eating smirk on her usually delicate face, “it suits you.” 

In the distance, Eddie has wrestled Dustin off the pond, the two of them squabbling in the snow banks surrounding it. The sight of his joyous smile warms you from the inside out, your chest tingling with it when you try to hide your smile behind another sip of your cocoa. “What look is that?” You finally snark back, reaching out a hand to wiggle your pink-tipped fingers sarcastically, “the Michelin Man coat? Or the frostbite from wet gloves?” 

“No,” bumping your shoulder with hers, she just grins. “Happy.” 

Shoving at her, you hope that the bite of the cold outside has turned your cheeks red enough already, hiding your furious blush at her comment. “Shut up.” 

Denying it is easy, trying to save face in front of your friend’s blatant told-you-so face, but she’s right. You’re happy.

So happy it wells up in your chest and eeks out your tear ducts. Luckily this time you can blame it on the cold as you round everyone up to head back to the warmth of the trailer. 

—

You wake on Christmas Eve to warm lips caressing your forehead and the weight of Eddie’s palm on your hip. You grumble, curling further into his embrace to shield your eyes from the light filtering in the curtain, pressing your face into the crook of his neck. His arms wrap tighter around you, pulling you snug against him. 

“C’mon baby,” he murmurs into your hair. “Wayne’s home, we gotta do Christmas.” 

Furrowing your brows in confusion, you pull away from his embrace to fix him with a confused stare. “Did I sleep through the whole 24th?” 

His responding chuckle is thick and fond, lashes kissing with the force of his smile, and he shakes his head. “No, sweetheart, but we do celebrate early in this house.” 

You hum thoughtfully in response, cuddling further into his hold, nosing sleepily at his collarbone and pressing soft kisses to the skin there. “Jus’ wanna stay in bed,” you mumble, breath damp against his skin, eyes drooping. 

Eddie’s hand trails up and down the side of your waist, bunching up your sleep shirt in its wake, fingertips leaving a trail of goosebumps behind them, squeezing at the round of your hip before making its way back up. “Suppose we could stay a little while longer.” 

Both of you are quiet for a few moments, the only sounds in the room are your slow, even breaths and the tick of a clock on the wall. Eddie starts to think you may have fallen asleep again when you ask, “why Christmas Eve?” It’s soft, devoid of judgment and keenly curious. Just another question you ask solely for the purpose of learning about him, and the sound of it makes him giddy. 

His fingers brush through your hair gently, pushing a lock of it away from your face and behind your ear before he answers. “It’s just always been that way, I guess,” he huffs, shuffling down the bed so that you’re face to face, eyes heavy with sleep and the weight of the memories he’s about to share. “Ever since my old man got locked up, my mom and I came here for Christmas Eve, back then Wayne worked at a job that didn’t close for Christmas, and he always took advantage of the double time on Christmas Day. But we had to celebrate together somehow, she always said Christmas was for families and that Wayne was the best we had. Didn’t know how true that was till we lost her.” His voice tightens as he recounts the tale, and you want to tell him he doesn’t have to share, not if it’s hard, but he pushes on so you choose to soothe him instead. With a hand on his cheek, you lean up to kiss the wrinkle that’s deepening between his brows, hoping that all his worries go with it when it flattens away. Still, his eyes shine with the hint of tears as he continues, despite the soft smile that your act evokes. “When I came to live with him, he said it didn’t feel right to change the tradition, so it just kinda…stuck. So now our Christmas morning is on the 24th when he gets home from work. It’s a little odd but it’s what we know, I dunno…I guess it’s kind of stupid.” 

“Never!” You scold. Your angry brow and harsh tone is a dizzying contrast to the gentle caress of your thumb against the soft skin of his cheek, and he revels in the comfort, letting his eyes drift shut and leaning into your touch. “It’s not stupid at all, it’s a part of your story, a part of you.” You wait for him to look at you again before you tack on a soft, “thank you for sharing it with me.” 

The peace that takes over his face is the best gift you could ask for. 

Eventually, Wayne comes knocking, saying you have to get the show on the road before he falls asleep after such a long night. You and Eddie join him in the living room, still dressed in sleep clothes and messy hair, Wayne still in his greasy coveralls and work boots. With fresh cups of coffee, he passes around a flask of brandy while Eddie distributes presents and winks when you nervously accept Wayne’s offer. 

It’s refreshing, getting to spend this holiday in such a comfortable, relaxed state. All smiles and laughs, warmth, memories being made. Spending time with the Munsons makes your family holidays feel sterile in comparison, everyone dressed in church clothes, gift giving for the sake of showing off. You can’t remember the last Christmas that you enjoyed being at, but this beats it by far. Eddie’s hand seldom leaves you, always touching, always seeking contact with the swell of your thigh or the small of your back. Even when opening his gifts, he shifted closer to you on the couch so that your shoulders were touching. 

He glares at you each time he opens one of yours, his upturned lips betraying the false anger he’s trying to portray, following each present with sarcastic commentary about how nice of a gift it might have been if you agreed to give gifts. He also follows each one with a quick stolen kiss and a quiet word of thanks murmured so only you can hear. 

You spend the day just like that. Laughing in the living room, cheeks warm from the liquor and from your boyfriend’s flattery, passing around snacks and a polaroid instant camera wasting too much film. Eventually sleep comes for Wayne while you’re watching It’s a Wonderful Life, and you and Eddie sneak away to the bedroom to give him some privacy. 

Later, long after the excitement died down and Wayne had gone to work, you’re sitting on opposite sides of the couch with your feet tucked up under Eddie’s thighs for warmth. He has one hand resting on your calf, thumb distractedly stroking at the soft flannel of your pajama pants, the other holds open a well-loved and worn book that he hasn’t glanced at in about an hour. The trailer is quiet except for Black Christmas playing low on the TV and the sounds of traffic on the main road. You wiggle your toes to get his attention, but only offer a cheeky smile when he looks up at you. 

 “What’s that look for?” He asks, dog-earing the book and tossing it to the floor. His own expression mirrors yours, playful, knowing. 

“You have one more present to unwrap, I was waiting ‘till it got later to give it to you.” 

“Oh really?” He asks, lips stretching taut in a sinister smile. He can tell you’re up to no good, he can hear it in the honey of your voice, feel it in the warmth of your gaze. Making a point to look around, playing dumb as he searches the open room, he turns back to you and ducks his head ever so slightly to fix you with a dark stare. “I don’t see anything else. Where might this last present be?” 

Turning on the couch to stand up, you reach into the pile of torn wrapping paper on the floor that has yet to be cleaned up and produce a discarded sticky bow, placing it on the top of your head. Biting your lip, you can’t stop the mischievous giggle that follows as the boy’s eyes widen infinitesimally and you start to make your way to his bedroom.  

He crosses the room quickly, catching up to you as soon as you cross the threshold and wrapping you up in his arms from behind, his chin hooked over your shoulder. “Fuck all the other shit,” he mumbles against your skin between sloppy, eager presses of his lips, “this is the only gift I need.” 

You lean into his embrace with a soft, pleased sound and grab at the hands around your waist until they loosen just enough for you to turn and face him. 

“How do you know?” You tease, toying with the stretched out collar of his tee shirt, teasing at the skin just below it. “You haven’t even unwrapped it yet.” 

“Sweetheart,” he breathes, words hushed against the column of your throat, “if you wanted me to undress you so badly all you had to do was ask.” His fingers are cold against your hips when he pulls at the hem of your shirt, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. The sight of what’s underneath stops him in his tracks, stepping back to admire you. He scrubs a hand through his hair, scrunching it in his fist as he takes in the sight, chincy red lace and faux fur trim, black straps and bows tying it all together. Your pants sit low on your hips, revealing just enough of the matching panties. There’s a groan deep in his chest, a low, rumbling sound that he tries to swallow, but fails. Reaching out, his hold lands in the dip of your waist, smoothing it’s way up your ribs to stroke his thumb against one perking nipple. You shudder at the action, at the sheer size of his hand covering your breast, lip bitten and arms tucked behind you in anticipation. “You buy this just for me?” 

“Depends,” you simper, reaching out for his chest, stroking broadly up the wrinkled fabric of his shirt, up and around the collar to twirl your fingers in the hair at his nape. With a bitten lip and coy smile, you ask, “have you been naughty or nice?” 

His eyes darken as you walk him the rest of the way to his bed, his breath ragged in anticipation. When his knees hit the mattress, knocking him back into a seated position, he swallows thickly and looks up at you – wide, wanting eyes, an excitement shining in them that sends heat straight to your core. His voice is unbelievably low, gravely when he admits, “now we both know you already know the answer to that.” He smirks and leans back on his palms, spreading his legs even further with the action, the tent in his pants even more obvious. “Do I get to see the rest?”

Nibbling on the inside of your lip, you break into a wider smile and push at the elastic waist of your pants, turning and bending at the waist dramatically if only to savor the sharp breath that comes from your boyfriend when he catches a glimpse of the last surprise you’re hiding – the open crotch of the panties. Eddie swears behind you and you can’t help but let out a mischievous giggle before turning back to him. He’s basking in the sight in front of him, skin flushed, dropped to his elbows for a better view, hands balled into fists at his sides to stop himself from reaching out and touching. Your heart pounds, salivating as you sink to your knees between his spread legs. You don’t think you’ll ever get over this feeling, the sheer excitement, anticipation of being with Eddie, no matter how many times it’s happened before. The sight of his cock tenting his soft sleep pants makes you lick your lips, eager to taste him, to feel his weight heavy on your tongue. 

Running your hands up and down his thighs, closer, closer, closer to where he wants to feel you most before backing away with a sly smile, you can feel the muscles tensing beneath your palms. The air around you is hot, sticky with anticipation as you lick your lips and finally reach for his clothed erection, stroking, squeezing gently, savoring the satisfied groan that the action draws from him. 

“Y’look so pretty like this,” you breathe, dipping your hand into his waistband to take his cock in your hand and give an experimental pump. You’re not so certain that most guys would enjoy being called pretty at all, let alone in this position, but god it’s true. The overhead light shines through his hair like a halo and the way his eyes shine down at you, deep chocolate and honey and want swirling together, perfect plush lips parted just slightly around another soft, pleased sound…he really is a sight. If the comment offends, he doesn’t let on. In fact you’re certain you can see him flush even further at your words, a pretty pink dusting across his porcelain features, you’ll never get enough. Tugging on the waist of his pants with your free hand, you rid him of them, stroking the length of him all the while. One of his hands flies to your hair, bunching in it possessively as you lean in to suckle on just the tip and run your tongue along the slit, moaning at the taste as you collect the drop of precum you find there on your tongue. Releasing him with a satisfied hum and a teasing kitten lick at the ridge of his cockhead, you grin again, sighing dreamily, “been thinking of this all afternoon, y’know.” 

“Yeah?” He grunts, twisting your hair thoughtlessly, wrapping the bulk of it around his hand and tugging, the sting of it drawing a whimper from deep within your chest. “‘S that why you’ve been so distracted? Been daydreaming about sucking me off?”

You don’t respond verbally, just give a coy little nod before licking a deliberate path along the vein on the underside, following with broad, wet, open-mouthed kisses up and down each side of his shaft. You try to get him as messy as possible, wet from every angle with your tongue before taking him as deep into your mouth as you can. 

“Fuck, sweetheart,” he huffs, hips stuttering up off the bed briefly, forcing himself further into your throat and shit if he didn’t love the little choking noise it drew from you. You breathe deep through your nose, swallowing back your gag reflex until your nose presses against his pelvis, tickled by the hem of his shirt. He holds you there for a moment before using your hair as an anchor to pull you off his dick. He releases you, hand falling from the back of your head to stroke your throat, featherlight touches of his fingertips against your windpipe as you heave in a breath, licking your bottom lip. “Where’ve you been hiding this talent, huh?” 

It’s your turn to blush, suddenly shy as if his cock wasn’t just buried to the hilt in your throat. Still you reach out to continue to stroke him as you answer, “I’ve been practicing.” 

Your admission punches the air from his lungs with a wrecked sound, his eyes blown wide and darkening even further as you lean in to take him back into your mouth. He mumbles praise as you work at a steady, almost teasing pace, tells you how pretty you look with your mouth full around another deep, longing moan. As much as he enjoys the sight in front of him, he can’t help but let his mind wander. 

I’ve been practicing. 

He pictures you alone in your dorm, eyes fluttered shut, concentration and a little bit of pleasure set in your brow as you toy with your clit, two fingers of your other hand stuffed in your mouth, training your gag reflex. Did it turn you on, choking and gagging on your own fingers? Did you imagine they were his, or even his cock? Did you stop with just your fingers? You’d admitted to having toys before, and ain’t that another intriguing thought. Fuck. His touch remains on your throat, never constricting, never controlling, but he can feel himself in your throat as you take him all the way to the hilt again and it’s maddening. 

You’re lost in how vocal he is, every moan and groan and swear going straight to your neglected core, and you can’t take it any more. You reach one hand below you to swipe your fingers through your dripping folds, whimpering around Eddie’s cock at the relief when you circle your clit. Not too much, not yet. Just something to take the edge off, but then you pull back to catch a breath and the combination of your absence and the touch-starved whine you let out breaks Eddie from his daydream. 

“Aw, baby,” he croons, stroking your cheek much too gently for the position you’re in. His tone is a little teasing, pitying, but his smile is bright as the sun. “It’s turning you on so much just sucking my cock that you gotta play with that pretty pussy while you do? Gimme your hand.” He holds out his hand expectantly, and you’re torn. You only just got some sweet relief from your pent up tension, only just parted your lower lips to tease two fingers at your entrance and you don’t want to stop now, but he’s looking at you expectantly and you can’t deny him. As soon as you withdraw your fingers from your cunt and hold out your hand, he’s gripping your wrist and guiding those same fingers into his mouth with a groan. He licks you clean, tongue swirling around your digits greedily until he can no longer taste your juices on your fingers and then gives your arm a gentle tug, prompting you to stand up. He sheds his shirt quickly and scoots up the bed, a shit eating grin on his face. “C’mere, I got a solution.” 

Though you roll your eyes at his phrasing, you’re more than eager to comply when he settles back into the mattress and beckons you toward him. Crawling up the bed, you lean forward on your elbows to drop a chaste kiss on his lips before turning around to swing a leg over his shoulder, hovering over his mouth, and this is new. He’s eaten you out plenty of times before, and this isn’t even the first time you’ve sat on his face, but this angle? This angle is something new entirely. He wraps his arms around your thighs to pull you down onto his mouth fully, angling your hips into a more comfortable position before he dives in eagerly. His lazy stubble drags rough against the insides of your thighs, fingers press bruising marks into the meat of them, and as he laps at your bundle of nerves, the tip of his nose teases at your entrance from the angle. 

Not one to be outdone, you lay across his stomach, hips still pressing back against his tongue, and take his cock back into your mouth. You share a unison groan, the vibrations from his voice sending a shockwave through your core, but you’re quick to retaliate by taking him deep in your throat again. You work his shaft at a steady pace, quicker now, and he fucks his tongue into you rapidly, the thick muscle stroking your inner walls in a maddening way. You can feel everything from this new angle. As his tongue works at your weeping hole, his chin bumps your clit erratically, and as you grind back into his efforts you can even feel the point of his nose nudging lightly at your asshole, the new sensation enough to make you clench your walls desperately. 

He stops making out with your cunt briefly, pulling back just enough for his lips to brush against your folds as sings your praises, “Jesus Christ, sweet thing…takin’ me so well. Fuck, just like that,” his voice is strained, sounds just about as desperate as you feel, and he interrupts himself with a choked sound when you gag around his length once more.

It’s a blur from there, a mess of wanton cries and stuttering of hips. Too much sensation, the ever growing tension in your stomach, you’re lost in the feeling of his mouth on your cunt and you stop moving to let him fuck up into your mouth on his own accord, until he’s burying himself deep in your throat and coming. Hot, thick ropes of cum burst in your throat and you swallow as much as you can with a heady moan. The loud, animalistic shout that he releases as he comes triggers your own release, vibrating against your clit deliciously, spreading through your abdomen and down your shaky legs. Eddie continues lapping at your folds hungrily, working you through your aftershocks, holding you in place against him with a firm grip on your thighs until you’re gasping at the overstimulation and twitching away from his ministrations. 

With one last affectionate squeeze to your plush hips, he chuckles in good humor and helps lift you off of his face. “Damn, baby,” he sighs as you slot yourself into his side and tangle your legs with his own. A soft, dopey smile takes over his face, eyelids heavy and head resting back against his headboard, and he kisses you again, deep and slow and reaching into your very existence. It’s a kiss that you can feel everywhere, your toes curl, scalp tingles, and there’s something deep in your stomach tugging you close, closer, you need to be closer. You can taste yourselves on each other’s tongues and the thought of it has you whimpering into his mouth again. He breaks the kiss with another dark laugh, nudging the tip of his nose to yours, back and forth as he catches his breath. “Merry Christmas, Princess.” 

Your voice is ripe with affection when you kiss the height of his cheekbone and reply, “Merry Christmas, Eddie.”

[tartarusknight]

King of the Freaks | Part 10

Ao3 Link | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15

Eddie wasn’t sure what had happened but suddenly Steve was distant. Monday he had bags under his eyes and during Hellfire, he spent it upstairs working on homework he claimed he couldn’t procrastinate. On Tuesday Steve stopped by the table to get a Tupperware container back from Jeff before he disappeared again and he didn’t speak to Eddie once in the few classes they shared. But he did see him talking with a girl that he didn’t know. Jealousy bubbled up but it was not like anything Eddie could do would be enough. It's falling for a straight boy 101. However, the only thing that didn’t change was the short calls after nine.

On Wednesday, Eddie had a plan. And he put it into motion as the bell rang. He'd have a few minutes until he had to be in the next one. “Hey, Steve!” Eddie jogged to meet up with Steve as he exited English. Steve paused, looking back and waiting for him. “Hey,” Eddie said stupidly but it made a small smile appear on Steve’s face. “So, we don’t have school on Friday,” Eddie started and Steve just raised an eyebrow. “We were talking about all meeting up and smoking if you wanted to join us. Well, uh, we were wondering if you wanted to-”

“Host?” Steve offered and while Eddie hadn’t really had a solid train of thought, so, he clung to the offered hand.

He nodded, “Just like hanging out, ya know.”

Steve picked at one of the books in his hand, “if you guys wanted you could just stay the night. Since you’re all already going to be over for Hellfire anyways. Uh-” Steve cut himself off and he looked a little panicked. “Uh, I don’t have any breakfast foods… maybe it’s easier to-”

Eddie threw his arm around Steve, “want to go shopping with me then? After school, we can head over to the store and pick up anything we’d need. We can all pitch in-”

“Money’s not a problem,” Steve waved his hand and he seemed to lean into Eddie. “Sure, yeah, sounds great. You know what they like,” he says softly and Eddie’s heart bursts as Steve looks over at him. Their so close and Eddie’s going to die. “See you after school then,” Steve says softly and ducks from Eddie’s arm, giving him a wiggle of his fingers in goodbye. Eddie needs a second to get his heart to restart.

He forced himself through the rest of the day until he spotted Steve leaning against the van looking so fucking bored. The mean girl inside of Steve crawls out as people give him weird looks. Eddie wants to run over but he forces himself to keep it cool. He didn’t need to scare Steve off just because of the stupid crush.

Steve tried to look unbothered as Eddie reached him. “We can take my car.” He offers and Eddie snickers.

“Why? Do you not like my driving?” He watches Steve’s eyes narrow in the best way. The way that meant he was trying to hold back a bitchy comment. “Come on, why don’t I drive?”

Steve scoffed, “I’m not dying today, come on.” He grabs Eddie’s jacket and pulls him over to the Beamer.

Eddie slips into the passenger seat and leans on his arm to look over at Steve. He was backing out of the parking lot with ease. And while he looked good when he drove Eddie’s van. He looked completely in his element here in his car. Eddie forced himself to snap out of it and he fiddled with Steve’s radio. Steve didn’t even look mad as Eddie fiddled with his stuff.

“So, what are your plans for Thanksgiving?” Eddie asked when the silence seemed to grow awkward. He thinks that maybe if he got used to being alone with Steve, it wouldn’t be so bad. But at this moment he’s used to having others acting as a crutch.

Steve glanced over and shrugged, “I never really celebrated it, to be honest. I think Dustin’s been bothering Claudia, his mom, to let me come over but I’m not really sure.” Steve chuckled, “you’d think I told him that the world was ending when I said I didn’t celebrate it anymore. He started rambling about giving me the best holiday. I think he thinks that he could make this into my favorite holiday if he tried hard enough.”

Eddie smiled as Steve lit up talking about the younger boy. He always lit up when talking about the kids but Dustin was always unique. His whole body lit up when he spoke about the kid. “So, what is your favorite holiday then?” He asked and Steve tensed a little, glancing over at Eddie.

“Come on, you didn’t even let me ask a question. The polite thing to do is switch at the very least,” Steve complained. "Then it's a proper conversation and not an interrogation."

Eddie couldn’t stop the laugh from escaping, “Fine. Hit me with a question, big boy.”

Steve hummed, “what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Are you spending it with Wayne?”

Eddie raised an eyebrow, “wow that was two questions. But I’ll allow it, I suppose. Yeah, me and Wayne usually make a nice breakfast. I can’t cook for shit but I’m getting pretty good at breakfast foods.” Eddie laughs and Steve nods, “It’s nothing special. Afterward, Wayne will go to work because they pay double for it. Then I’ll usually head over to Gareth’s.”

Steve pulls into the parking lot and Eddie turns in his seat to face him, “now, what’s your favorite holiday?”

It makes Steve roll his eyes, “fine. Geez not gonna let it go, I guess.” Steve clears his throat, “I- my family stopped celebrating holidays these past few years honestly. So, I don’t have a favorite or least favorite anymore. But when my Grandpa was around, he’d throw these big parties on the 4th of July.”

“Yeah?” Eddie questioned and Steve got a sad look in his eyes.

“Yeah, it was nice. It um- I was actually born on the 4th, so he’d make a big deal out of it.” Steve admitted and as he turned off the car there was something sad in his eyes.

Eddie reached over and gave his shoulder a squeeze. Steve’s eyes shut until Eddie pulled his hand back, “It sounds fun.” Steve nodded before getting out of the car.

They headed into the store and Steve grabs a basket before looking at Eddie. “So, where to first?” He asks and Eddie grins before leading him further into the store. And Eddie tries his very best to stay focused on the task but he’s never been good in the grocery store. There was always something to stop and look at. Always something that caught his attention and had him veering off to check it out. Normally he always went alone with a list. That way if he got distracted it wouldn’t annoy anyone but himself. However, Steve just glanced over and followed him. Asking why Eddie found it interesting.

Suddenly their basket was full of not just breakfast foods but also weird foods Eddie’s always thought looked weird. Steve even grabbed a dragon fruit. Like anything Eddie thought looked good, was good enough reasoning. It made Eddie’s chest swell and his tongue twist until he couldn’t say a single word. Still, Steve looked over at him with a small smile and grabbed cranberry juice because Eddie rambled about how Grant loved it but Eddie thought it was weird. It made his mouth tingle and Steve explained how he could be allergic, Eddie just shrugged.

“Steve,” a voice broke through the mess that was this trip and Eddie looked back to see an uncomfortable-looking Nancy with her mom, Mike, and a little girl. Nancy’s mom was the one who called out to Steve and Eddie saw Mike roll his eyes, even as he headed closer to Steve like it was an impulse.

“Stevie!” The little girl cheered and wiggled in her mom’s arms until she was put down. Steve easily bent to place the basket on the ground and catch the little girl in his arms.

“Oh my! It’s Holly-berry,” Steve said in a happy tone as he stood and spun her. The little girl giggled and clung to Steve.

He easily held the girl close as the other Wheelers headed over at a much slower pace. “Mrs. Wheeler,” Steve greets and it’s not nearly as happy as it had been for Holly. “Mike,” Steve drawled and got a glare because of it. Then he just gave Nancy a small smile.

“Stevie,” Holly tugged on Steve’s shirt and Steve just huffed a laugh. “Tea party?” She asked and Eddie swore he saw actual regret in Steve’s eyes.

He bounced her to make her laugh again before he said anything. “Sorry, not right now. Maybe another time,” he said and Eddie wondered if it was a lie.

Nancy’s mom glanced over at him from where he stood awkwardly beside Steve. “You’re a Munson, right?” She asked and Nancy glared at her mom for a moment. “I’m Karen Wheeler,” she smiled and Eddie awkwardly shook her hand.

“Eddie,” he says and Steve glances over at him. Then he eyes Karen carefully like he didn’t trust her and it made Eddie grow tense.

Karen doesn’t seem to notice, she just places a hand on Steve’s shoulder, “it’s been so long. We’ve missed having you around.”

Eddie knows he isn’t the only one who notices how uncomfortable Nancy is. Mike looks away like he hates this and Steve just smiles a tense smile. “Well, Mrs. Wheeler, you know you can always call me if you need a babysitter.” Steve shrugs but he doesn’t look at Nancy.

“Please, call me Karen, Steve. I've said it a million times... You know, I still don’t know why you two broke up,” Karen says like it’s normal to bring this up in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store. Her hand is still on Steve, gently rubbing a circle on his shoulder like it was normal. Eddie didn’t like it but Steve wasn’t shrugging it off.

Steve was, instead, smiling. “Well, uh, Karen, it’s because we didn’t work out. Not a big deal,” he bends down, making Karen’s hand slip from his shoulder, and places Holly on the ground. He grabs their basket and glances over at him. “It was great seeing you,” he said softly then did a little sweep with his eyes. “Mike, best behavior, right?” He teases him and goes to walk off but Karen is touching him again.

“What are you boys up to?” She glances at the mess that is in their basket.

Steve clears his throat, and his eyes glance at Karen’s hand. “I’ve got a few people spending a night at mine. So, he’s helping me shop for foods everyone will like.”

Eddie nods, “yep. We should get moving. Bye Wheelers,” then he grabs Steve’s arm, pulling Steve from the others. Steve stumbles a little before righting himself. “We’ve still got to grab bread.” He says to Steve, trying to pull Steve’s attention to him and away from the Wheelers. Steve nods and easily follows after him.

Eddie glances back and Karen had Holly back in her arms, talking with her kids. Both Nancy and Mike looked annoyed at their mom. Eddie looked to Steve who did look a little uncomfortable now that they moved away from them. “Sorry, you had to deal with that.” Eddie offered and Steve glanced over.

He shrugged, “I guess I’m used to it.” Eddie wondered what part he was used to. Being asked about Nancy. Having to talk with the Wheelers even though he’s done with Nancy. People just touching him. Although that might only bother Eddie because he's a jealous little shit.

Steve straightened up and looked over the loaves of bread, “It’s whatever. They’ll always think I broke up with Nancy and it’s fine.”

Eddie’s brow furrowed, “really? But she got with Jonathan right after.”

Steve laughed but it wasn’t happy, “well, I’m the one with the reputation. She’s the innocent girl who dated Steve Harrington, a serial dater. Who would believe that I was the one who got their heart broken?” He didn’t look at Eddie but Eddie desperately wanted to grab and shake him. Tell Steve that he believed. That he saw him. Even through all those walls he had, Eddie saw him. 

“Anything else we need?” Steve questioned, turning towards the checkouts. Eddie shook his head and followed silently. They got their couple of bags before heading out to the car. Eddie headed to the trunk but Steve stopped him. “Uh, it’s full back there.” He said before he opened the back door. He placed his bag inside and gestured for Eddie to do the same. Eddie shoved the bag in and shut the door.

The drive back to the school was quiet this time. Steve’s mind was somewhere else as he pulled into the parking spot next to Eddie’s van. “Right, well, see ya tomorrow,” Steve said awkwardly. Eddie hopped out but before he got into his van he stopped. He turned and knocked on Steve’s window. Steve looked confused as Eddie opened his door. “Eddie?” He questioned and Eddie gestured for him to get up. He did as requested and as soon as he was standing, Eddie pulled him into a hug.

Steve was tense for a moment before he seemed to melt into it just like he had the last time. The time when Steve was so tired he didn’t have those walls and clung onto Eddie. “I’m sorry no one believed you. But I do, I promise that I’m here for you.” He said into Steve’s ear and Steve’s arms wrapped around him tightly. “You’ve got people on your side now, Steve.”

He pulled back and Eddie looked over Steve’s face, seeing a soft brokenness in his eyes. “Right, uh, you do too. I mean, you already did but now you’ve also got me… on your side! Like I’m in your corner,” Steve had a nice blush covering his face and Eddie liked it.

He nodded and took a step back, “right. Good to know pretty boy.” Then, of course, Eddie had to say something so obvious and stupid. It make his heart jump and he laughed, “uh. Yep, we’re friends. Good friends. Good to get that settled. Talk to you later, friend.” He grinned too wide and jumped into his van, starting it up. Steve was getting back into the Beamer as Eddie drove off wanting to scream at his stupidity.

@zerokrox-bloglog @cyranyxx @adaed5 @the-redthreadd @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcaringceyoustopcaring @idontgetpaidenoughforthisshitorthisshit @failedstarsandgoldencloudsds @bisexualdisastersworldd @deadlydodoss @anythingyouwanttobee @nburkhardtt @bestwifehaverr @thehumblefigtreee @megzdoodlee @swimmingbirdrunningrockk @mightbeasleepp @bxlthazarar @autumnal-dawnn @chillichatss @nonbinary-eddie-munsonon @the-daydreamer-in-the-cornerner @eddie-munson-is-my-wifewife @a-little-unsteddiedie @sharingisntkaren @a-huge-nerdy-nerd @0o-queendean-o0 @beckkthewreck @vi-an-te @vampireinthesun @newtstabber @dinosareawesome2137  @spicemallow @hellomynameismoo  @luthienstormblessed @briceslayed @angeldreamsoffanfic @dbquills @prideandsensibility @iwouldsail @ponfarrtimeatthevulcannightclub @spectrum-spectre @the-chilly-kat @yearningagain @loopsmd @starlight-archer @sleepy-time @goodolefashionedloverboi  @crazyshipper67  @sherrylyn628  @bidisastersworld  @v3lnys  @n0connections  cherixxx69  theotalksalot  tailsfromthecrypt  ledleaf  grimmfitzz  @pyrohonk  

(I can’t tag anymore people I’m sorry!!! If you want to stay updated pls follow me or go onto Ao3 and subscribe to the story!)

[museontheside]

Ugh. I thought this is what I wanted a year ago, but I realized that wasn't true when I couldn't do it to you after unhooking our calendars. Because I care about you too much, even if it felt unsafe having you have access to my calendar. Even if my therapist has encouraged me to block you on everything. I don't want you gone, I just want it to not hurt so much every time I see your screen name/s or face. Or tear me to shreds every time you send a * hug * etc.

I couldn't figure out a way to feel safe opening up to you again, based on our history. Then, when I did figure it out (because when my mom pulled her shit, all I wanted was to talk to you, be held and comforted by you, and then I'd get angry at myself for those feelings) I knew you wouldn't want to hear it, and you definitely wouldn't want to ever make that choice, especially just to be able to be my friend. And I didn't want to be the one bringing it up. Especially when it felt like you didn't even want to hear what I had to say when we were partners-- why would you want to hear any of it now? And I was afraid it'd piss you off so much, you'd block me on everything. But I purposefully left the door open for a real conversation back in October, then again at Thanksgiving before dealing with a house full of norovirus. I just... I really thought we were finally to a point where we could eventually talk about how to be able to have a better relationship since it's obviously been very strained over the last couple of years.

But I guess since you went ahead and pulled the plug without a conversation (again) I don't really have anything left to lose when I say if you want to be a real part of my life in any capacity, you need to pursue and dedicate to seeking sobriety. Your alcohol abuse affects every relationship you have, every part of your life. It destroyed any chance we had at being happy together. It was so hard to sit back and watch your other partners enable it because it benefitted them, even when it endangered your life after your surgery. But I knew I couldn't bring it up without you either flying off the handle at me, shutting down/switching on me, or just dumping me on the spot. Sure, I could have been braver, but literally as soon as you started drinking again, your personality took that same turn for the worst I'd observed in the past.

Anyway, it's obvious that you don't want to have anything to do with me. I'm sorry I've put off saying "I'd like to have you in my life, but only if you're committed to being sober; but I also don't even know how to trust you to stay sober unless I'm around you all the time; but also everything in me wants to talk to you, believe the things you say, trust you; but I need some sort of apology and commitment to change; and I don't know what to even do or say about any of that." I've read enough about alcohol induced psychosis being a huge issue with Wellbutrin-- on top of how it messes up neurodivergent brain chemistry for months from even light to moderate use-- to not trust even occasional drinking, especially after experiencing the shitty end of that so many times.

It's true that I've only looked at your Tumblr twice in the last 2 years. And none of your other socials, besides accidentally seeing you bubbling about your new partner within a day of you officially dumping me. Because it hurts. So I've been a shitty friend. But I've been trying these last months to get to where I can again. To talk to you as normally as I can. But when you're always asking how I'm doing or saying you hope I'm doing well-- and I'm not, but I know you don't want to hear it. My life has been fucking misery dealing with all of the issues long covid has raised for me, including a deep and lingering depression from the brain damage, coupled with the depression of watching my life and health waste away and losing most of the rest of my close relationships. I've been trying psych med combo after psych med combo to try to help, with very little affects unless it's a negative reaction. Until a couple of weeks ago, I was overmedicated for 6 months so that I didn't care about anything at all-- no big emotions, no crying over random shit, nothing. The replacement for that secondary medicine caused a severe negative reaction and I almost had to be hospitalized last week on top of handling norovirus, pink eye, and lice since Thanksgiving. And now my body is recovering for a couple of weeks until we try another med.

You need to do whatever you need to do for your own mental health. I think it'd benefit greatly from sobriety, but that's your choice to make. If this is how you want it, that's fine. Maybe in a few years, you'll feel differently and be able to look me up. I want you to be happy and healthy. And I'd prefer to be a part of that. I miss you so much (I've tried everything not to, but it still hasn't gone away.) And I still feel when you reach out-- even that stupid drunk message about a gift you wanted to get me, when I woke up on the couch and went upstairs to bed that Friday, I felt like you were in my room waiting for me and couldn't shake it. At the end of May?? It was all-encompassing for days and days, then I gave in and looked at your Tumblr a couple of weeks later and saw your post. (If you'd asked me to meet for coffee, I would have.) And there's been many other times, of course. Hell, I even felt when you blocked first my IG, then my FB. I knew what had happened before I even checked. (Which all makes me feel a bit crazy, but whatever.)

You know where to find me if you want to, I guess. I hope life treats you well in the meantime. I don't want to argue about any of the things I said, I just want you to consider my input for a while and figure out if you want to bother even talking to me, because I really don't want to talk to you unless you've been sober for at least a few months first and really have made a commitment to stay sober. I love you, I miss you, but I can't let you keep hurting me, and I can't trust you while you are actively engaging in alcoholism.

[foundtherightwords]

Headlights on Dark Roads - Chapter 2

Pairing: Eddie x Chrissy (No Vecna/No Upside Down AU)

Summary: Eddie and Chrissy are in a relationship, having reconnected after they both moved back to Hawkins. However, Laura's disapproval still looms over them, and when Eddie has an opportunity to reunite and revive Corroded Coffin, Chrissy has to make a difficult choice between going with him to LA and staying in Hawkins to take care of her ailing mother.

Warnings: angst (oh so much angst), abuse (Laura Cunningham is her own warning), implied/mentions of ED, implied/mentions of homophobia, some smut (non-explicit - in this chapter)

Chapter word count: 5.5k

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chrissy felt almost lightheaded with excitement as she walked through Indianapolis Airport with Eddie, their hands clasping each other tightly. Followed closely behind them were Gareth and his wife, Nicole, pushing their daughter in a stroller. Both wore the same half-giddy, half-bewildered look that Chrissy knew she had on her face and saw reflected on Eddie's as well. The three of them—except for Nicole and the baby—were on their way to LA.

It had been a pleasant surprise when Gareth jumped at Eddie's suggestion to rejoin Corroded Coffin. Eddie had stressed to Gareth that if they got this deal, it would turn their lives upside down, but apparently, Gareth wanted the change. Nicole told Chrissy that Gareth had been thinking of quitting his soul-sucking job anyway, and he had never seemed so happy since he started playing the drums again. Eddie and Gareth had spent the weeks after Thanksgiving rehearsing to get Gareth up to speed, and they'd planned to arrive in LA a few days before their meeting with the label to rehearse with Jeff and Grant as well.

Looking at Eddie now, Chrissy wondered if he knew how much he'd inspired his friend. How much he'd inspired everyone around him, including her. When he asked her to accompany him to LA, he'd said he wouldn't be able to do it without her there to provide emotional support, so she had happily accepted. It was the week before Christmas, the cheer team only had one game left to attend, and she had never been to California. What Chrissy didn't tell Eddie, though, was that this trip would be her first step to truly, truly severe the apron strings.

Laura, predictably, had wailed about being abandoned when Chrissy announced the trip, but Chrissy had tried her hardest to ignore the usual prickle of guilt. "It's only for a week, Mom," she said firmly. "I've stocked the fridge and arranged for someone to come check on you every day. You have your cell phone and your Life Alert. You'll be fine."

Laura had spluttered indignantly, but there was nothing else for her to say.

Of course, Chrissy had thought about what it would mean for her and Eddie if Corroded Coffin got this record deal. Though they hadn't discussed it, she was sure that if he was to relocate to LA, Eddie would ask her to come with him. They had already talked about moving in together... but that was only a few miles away. When it came down to it, would she have the strength to move far from her mother, all the way to the other side of the country?

She turned to look at Eddie again, at his profile that she'd grown to love, his sharp jawline, the cute nose she liked to tweak playfully to get him up, the tender mouth she couldn't stop kissing, and felt slightly ashamed that she was only thinking of herself when Eddie's career was at the brink of something so monumental. Sensing her gaze, Eddie turned around with a smile, and Chrissy smiled back at him, relieved.

"Nervous?" they both blurted out, and both laughed.

"Not as long as you're here," Eddie said. "You?"

"What do I have to be nervous about?"

"I don't know, leaving your students... your mom?"

So he understood. He always understood.

"No, it's fine," she said, squeezing his hand. Yes, she would have the strength. He would be her strength.

Her phone rang, interrupting her train of thought. Chrissy dug it out of her bag. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the number—Rachel, the school nurse whom she'd asked to keep an eye on Laura. Perhaps Rachel just forgot something...

"Chrissy?" Rachel's frantic voice immediately dispelled Chrissy's hope for a simple check-in. "Your mom just had a fall."

Chrissy could feel blood draining from her body, leaving her numb and cold. All around her, the usual hubbub of an airport seemed to increase tenfold, drowning everything out. Scattered phrases came through the phone, "unconscious", "stroke", "ambulance", "hospital", but they barely registered, skimming over her brain like pebbles across a frozen lake.

"Chrissy, what's wrong?" Eddie's voice came through the garbled noises in her ears, and his hand gripped her shoulder, shaking some life back into her. "What's the matter?"

"My mom's had another stroke," she said, surprised that her voice was so steady. "I gotta go."

There was a moment's confusion as the others crowded around her, trying to figure out what had happened. Then Eddie said, "I'm coming with you."

"No!" She seized his hand. "You're not. You have to go to LA. It's more important."

"The meeting's not until next Wednesday—"

"No," Chrissy said again, softer. "You guys have to prepare. I'll be OK. There's nothing you can do anyway."

Eddie opened his mouth to protest, but Chrissy turned away, afraid her resolve was going to waver the longer she looked at him. Nicole stepped up. "You two go. I'll drive her back." Chrissy nodded at her thankfully. They had all driven to Indianapolis together in Gareth's station wagon to save on gas and parking.

What followed was flurry of kisses and goodbyes and good luck wishes, and then Chrissy was in the parking lot, buckling the baby into her car seat while Nicole folded up the stroller, and before she knew it, they were driving down the highway, back toward Hawkins.

"If they found her in time, she'll be OK," Nicole said. "Don't worry."

Chrissy could only nod. The truth was, she wasn't exactly worried. She didn't quite know what she was feeling. Anxiety was twisting her insides, much like the strap of the bag she was winding and unwinding around her hands, but she wasn't sure if it was anxiety for her mother or herself. She spent the rest of the car ride focusing on the baby's babbles in the backseat and the sound of the highway, to tune out her own jumbled thoughts.

Dusk was falling by the time Nicole dropped Chrissy off at Hawkins Memorial Hospital. Chrissy thanked her and stumbled into the searing light of the reception area, toward the front desk. She gave her mother's name. The receptionist typed something into the computer and explained that her mother was in a coma and they were still running tests, but they would let her know as soon as there were any changes.

Chrissy collapsed into a chair in the waiting room. The anxiety she'd felt in the car had spread outward, pulling at her limbs and her body, threatening to tear her into a thousand pieces. A thought, a hideous thought, half of hope and half of fear, kept circling her mind like a bird of prey, waiting for the moment she lowered her defenses so it could pounce on her and devour her. She twisted her bag strap again, anything to keep her hands and mind busy, anything to keep that predator from alighting.

"Chrissy?"

She looked up, not believing in her own eyes. Eddie was walking toward her, worry lines etched across his face. She wanted to run to him, to throw her arms around him, but shock and exhaustion rooted her to the seat.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

He took her hands. "I can't leave you to deal with this alone."

"But—the flight—"

"I changed the ticket. I'm flying out on Monday. Plenty of time."

"I told you—"

"I know what you told me. I want to be here," he said. There was no more arguing after that. Eddie sat down next to her, pulled her into his lap, wrapped his arms around her, and Chrissy felt herself relax. The circling bird of prey was gone for now. She put her head on Eddie's chest, certain that nothing could come for her as long as he was here.

***

Laura was in a coma for five days. Eddie stayed with Chrissy for three of those, making sure she ate and slept, accompanying her during those endless hours in the hospital room while she sat and stared at her mother, trying not to give shape to the thought that was still circling her head. When they were not in the hospital, she stayed with him at his apartment, spending the night lying awake in his arms.

She called her brother Ryan. He asked if she needed help, but she heard the reluctance in his voice and said no. If it was this hard for her, she couldn't imagine how difficult it would be for Ryan to try to care for their mother, after all the horrible things she'd put him through, after she'd left him homeless and penniless at the age of eighteen. Chrissy had been unable to help Ryan then, and she wasn't going to put this burden on him now.

On Monday, the doctors said Laura's condition was stable, though she still hadn't woken. Chrissy had to all but threaten Eddie into getting on the flight to LA. "If you don't go, Eddie," she said, "I'll never"—she wracked her tired brain for the worst thing in the world—"I'll never talk to you again!"

So he smiled and kissed her and left, with a promise to call her as soon as the meeting was over to let her know how it went.

With Eddie gone, the bird of prey in her mind was back, only it was a different one this time, not a circling raptor waiting to attack, but a vulture sitting and waiting patiently, staring at her soul with its baneful eyes, impossible to ignore.

On Wednesday evening, Eddie called. Chrissy went out into the hallway to answer.

"How did it go?" Chrissy asked. Her voice was shakier than when she asked the doctors about her mother.

"It went... well."

"Well as in they love you and want to sign you, or well as in they were polite but it went nowhere?"

"The first one. They want us to play for some execs on Friday."

Chrissy let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, Eddie."

"I know." She could hear the smile in his voice, and it made her miss him so much she almost burst into tears. "How's your mom?"

"She woke up."

"That's good."

"Yeah, she's going to have to stay a while, but looks like she's out of danger."

"Great! How are you?"

"I'm... OK."

There were some noises on the other end, people calling for him. "Listen, I gotta go now," Eddie said quickly, "but I'm coming back next week, and we'll talk then, OK?"

After she hung up, Chrissy leaned back against the sterile white wall of the hospital corridor. The vulture was still there, waiting. Let's talk then, you and I.

Eddie's moving back to LA, and he's going to ask you to come with him, the vulture said, in her own voice.

"What of it?" she snapped.

You're going to turn him down.

"And why would I do that?"

Please. You can't even have a full meal without him holding your hand. How are you going to handle living in a strange city on your own, while he's on the road for months on end, getting up to God knows what? You're going to fall apart, and he'll have to come running back to take care of you, like he came back from the airport that day. The vulture was gloating, its words like a sharp beak tearing at her heart, and Chrissy couldn't think of how to respond, because it was right, right about everything. She slumped into a chair, suddenly exhausted.

And what about your mom? the vulture piped up, sounding eerily like Laura now.

"What about her?"

You're going to leave her, to swan off to LA with your boyfriend, after all those thoughts you had about her?

"I'm not!"

As soon as Chrissy thought this, an agonizing, resigned feeling of acceptance settled over her. It was true. Laura was going to need 24/7 care now. Chrissy couldn't leave her. And she couldn't saddle Eddie with all her troubles either. She'd decided that when he came running back from the airport to stay with her at the hospital. At that moment, she'd known. She knew that if she asked him to, he would throw everything away to be with her, and so she made up her mind that she would never, ever ask.

It was going to be the hardest thing she'd ever done, but she had to do it.

Good. The vulture flew away, satisfied.

Chrissy spent the next seven days waiting for Eddie's return with both hope and dread, while steeling her resolve and rehearsing what she was going to say to him. She never got very far.

On the day Eddie came back from LA, he insisted that he didn't need her to pick him up, so Chrissy got a nice dinner waiting for him at the apartment. Even as she heard him taking the stairs two at a time, her tears were threatening to flow, but she swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to put on a happy face.

Eddie ran in and swept her up in a hug. He smelled of sun and dust—exotic smells for an Indiana winter, which, strangely enough, made it a little easier for Chrissy to pull away from him. Already he felt distant, like he belonged to another world.

But there was no fooling Eddie. The moment he looked at her, he noticed something wrong.

"What is it?" he asked. "Is everything OK with your mom?"

With a herculean effort, she smiled and shook her head. "Everything's fine. Let's eat before it gets cold, and then we'll talk, OK?"

Somehow she managed to keep calm through the meal while Eddie told her about the meeting and the contract. Unfamiliar words flew over her head—album cycle, rights, royalty, advance, touring—but she heard the excitement in his voice and saw the happiness on his face, and it pained her that she was going to have to bring it all down.

"How did Gareth and Nicole take it?" she asked.

"They're freaking out, but in a good way," Eddie said with a grin. "Nicole's really looking forward to moving to LA, actually." She must have winced at that, because he put his fork down and peered at her face. The tenderness and worry in his eyes tore at her heart, and she had to look away.

"That's what this is about, isn't it?" he asked quietly. "About me moving back to LA?"

Chrissy could only nod, afraid her voice would betray her if she spoke.

Eddie reached across the table to grab her hand. "Listen, I know you've got a lot on your mind right now, with your mom and everything, but I've been thinking..." She held her breath, waiting for the axe to fall. "Would you move to LA with me?"

It broke her heart to think that if he had asked a week ago, or even three days ago, her answer would have been an enthusiastic "Yes". Now she looked at him, unable to speak. In her tear-filled eyes, he saw her answer.

"You're staying here," he said. It wasn't a question. "Because of your mom." She nodded again. A teardrop fell from her eyes to the table and spread, darkening the wood like blood.

He took a moment to digest that. Then he pushed away from the table and stood up, tugging at his hair with an irritable hand. "Is there any way—any other option?" he asked. "Like hospice or a nurse or—"

"I can't afford that," Chrissy said, finding her voice at last.

"I can help. I've got my advances from the label—"

"No." She shook her head once. "I can't let you do that."

"But I want to."

He knelt down in front of her, and now it was her turn to stand and walk away so she didn't have to see his pleading look, the hurt in his eyes. The grand speeches she'd been preparing all went out the window the moment he looked at her like that, and she could only mutter, "I can't keep letting you fight for me."

"Can't your brother do something?"

"He doesn't want to have anything to do with Mom. I don't blame him."

She could feel Eddie's questioning eyes on her as she paced around the apartment in restless, tortured steps. Part of her wanted to get this over with and run from here as far as possible, while another part wanted to stay, because it would mean she could be with him for a little longer.

"So it's OK for you to make the sacrifice, but not him?"

"She's my mom!"

"She doesn't even let you eat. If she could, she'd probably have a stroke on purpose just to keep you tied to her!" Eddie shouted.

Chrissy recoiled, as if he'd just hit her. From the look on his face, it was clear Eddie realized he'd gone too far as well, but it was too late. She turned to face him, her eyes hardening.

"How dare you," she said. "She may not be a good mother, but she's not a—a psychopath!"

She pivoted on her heels toward the door. Eddie dove at her and grabbed her wrist. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said, pulling her to him. Chrissy fought against him, but something much stronger than his arms wrapped itself around her heart, making her weak. "I'm sorry," he said again, softly, as she melted into him with a sob. "Look, I'm not asking you to move to LA this instant. We're getting the new record out, and then touring for at least a year after that. You'll stay here. We'll call each other. I'll come back to visit, or you'll fly out when you can—"

For a moment, Chrissy almost let herself be convinced. But she had been in a long-distance relationship once, after she dropped out of nursing school. She'd moved to Chicago to escape her mother's wrath, leaving her boyfriend at the time in Indianapolis. They'd tried to make it work. He'd promised to follow her as soon as he graduated. Then one missed call turned into ten, canceled visits piled up, and affection and longing had turned into resentment and doubt, and eventually, it had broken them up.

She didn't want to go through all that again, not with Eddie. She told him as much.

"It's only for the first year or so," he protested. "And then once the band is settled, I can move back—"

"Do you see much of a music scene around here? There's a reason all the big artists are based in LA and New York, Eddie."

He took a deep breath. "OK, maybe we can take your mom with us then."

She gave a shaky laugh, knowing how much it cost him to even offer that. "I can't do that to you."

"And yet you're doing it to yourself?" Eddie held her out at arm's length and looked her in the eye. "Why?" She heard the unsaid words behind his question. Why are you doing this, when she's so horrible to you?

"Do you know what my first thought was that day at the airport, when I found out she's had another stroke?" she said. "I thought, I hope she doesn't survive. All those days we were in the hospital, while she was in a coma, I kept thinking, I hope she doesn't wake up." And there it was, the bird of prey that kept circling her mind during those long hours, when time seemed to stand still between the white, featureless hospital walls, the thought that she couldn't bring herself to face, to admit. Now she shuddered with self-disgust and buried her face in her hands. "What kind of a daughter am I, to wish my mother dead?"

He seized her hands and held them between their chests. "You're not a bad person for that. I wish my dad were dead all the time."

"But if he came back and asked for your help, would you?"

Eddie laughed, a mirthless sound. "No. I'd tell him to go to Hell."

Chrissy wished she had his conviction. "I've failed as a student, as a sister, as a wife," she said. "I'm not going to fail as a daughter as well."

He pressed her palms to his cheeks. "You haven't failed me."

His gentleness hurt so much worse than his anger. Chrissy shook her head. "Don't." She tried taking a step back, but Eddie was holding her hands tightly, and she found herself drawn forward, inexorably, until they were locked together in an embrace.

"I'll be OK, Eddie," she said, to herself as much as to him. "She can't hurt me anymore."

"I know."

She didn't know how long they stood like that, looking into each other's eyes, not saying anything, not even quite breathing, as if they could just exist together in that moment, outside of time and space themselves. Then Eddie leaned forward, pressing his forehead to hers, so all that she saw were his eyes. The expression in them squeezed at her heart and her throat.

"We can't end it like this," he said. "I won't let you."

"It doesn't have to end."

"What do you mean?"

"We'll spend these remaining weeks together, like we always do. No talking about the future. And when you leave, you just leave. No goodbye."

The little spark of hope in his eyes died away, and the knot around Chrissy's heart tightened.

"Maybe we can figure something out," he said.

"How? What?"

"I don't know. But we have three weeks. We'll think of something."

For once, Chrissy allowed herself to hope.

***

They never figured anything out in those three weeks.

They were too busy. Chrissy spent her days shuffling between the hospital and work, before going back to Eddie's apartment for dinner and sleep. They enjoyed each moment together but never talked about the future. If their nights together were a little more poignant, more passionate, they didn't comment on it. If Eddie was packing or preparing for his move, he didn't let Chrissy see it. Luckily, he didn't have much stuff to pack anyway.

On Christmas morning, Chrissy visited her mother. Laura listened, bitter-eyed and silent—the stroke had affected her speech—as Chrissy explained how things were going to be different between them from now on. "I'm done trying to please you, Mom," she concluded and left to spend the rest of the day with Eddie and Wayne.

In the no-man's land between Christmas and New Year, Chrissy got her house ready for when her mother was discharged, adding a ramp outside, installing bars on walls and guards on sharp corners of tables and counters, and putting in a hospital bed. The work was dull, but it kept her busy, and Eddie was there to help her, always.

On New Year's Eve, neither Chrissy nor Eddie felt like going out, so they stayed in Eddie's place, put on some music, and opened a bottle of champagne. Neither mentioned that Eddie was leaving the day after, though the knowledge hung over them like a heavy cloud. Chrissy wondered how Cinderella ever managed to enjoy the ball, knowing she only had until midnight. They'd had three weeks, and it still wasn't long enough. It was never enough.

Fireworks and cheers started going off on the street outside, yet they remained as they were on the couch, leaning against each other with their arms locked around each other's waist, her head in the crook of his shoulder, neither wanting to say "Happy New Year", neither wanting to accept the passing of the time.

"You'll come out to visit," Eddie said. "I'll show you Hollywood, and we can go down to Santa Monica. And when we have a show in Chicago or Detroit, you can come too. You still haven't seen us live yet. Make that your New Year resolution."

Every single word he uttered, no matter how innocuous, was like a needle in Chrissy's heart.

"Don't," she murmured. "No goodbye, remember?"

"That's just pretending," he said.

"Yes." She lifted her head to look at him and tried to smile. "Aren't you good at that? Think of it as a long D&D campaign."

Eddie snorted. "You've never even played D&D, Cunningham."

"I'll play this one."

He gazed at her for a long, long time. Then, quietly, almost inaudibly, he said, "OK," and kissed her.

His hot, languid lips brushed over her face, lingering over her features, forehead, temples, eyes, cheeks, then nose. Despite the pain in her heart, Chrissy couldn't help but laugh a little when he kissed the tip of her nose.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Memorizing," he said. "I'm going to memorize every inch of you."

Even that was a painful reminder of his imminent departure. But the next moment, he kissed the pain away, and Chrissy let herself get lost in his touches, his soft lips and strong hands, and forget everything else. 

When he finally reached her mouth, she parted her lips for him, and both exhaled, their breaths mingling into one. He cupped her jaw with one hand, while the other splayed across the small of her back, pulling her even closer. But there was no need for him to grip her so tight. She wasn't going anywhere, not when his tongue was dreamily tracing a path over her lips and her arms had tangled themselves around his neck of their own accord. Their bodies seemed melded together, the layers of clothes between them unable to contain the heat that kept building the longer they kissed.

Still, they refused to hurry. Why hurry, when time no longer existed? They lingered over every step, finding pleasure in every tiny action, or perhaps even the tiniest action had become so much more pleasurable when they knew each would be the last.

Chrissy felt Eddie's hand move under her shirt and rest on the bare, soft skin of her stomach for a moment, before he slowly unbuttoned her cardigan, pulling it off of her shoulders, and holding out his arms so she could do the same for him. His sweater got stuck, and both laughed as they struggled to peel it off. They managed eventually, though the sweater tore a bit at the neck.

"I'll sew it back for you later," Chrissy said without thinking.

Then she remembered that there would be no later, and her smile disappeared. The pain came crashing back, choking her, as if Eddie had already gone. This was a mistake. She shouldn't have stayed. She should've made a clean break. Yes, it would have hurt like hell, but at least it would have cauterized the wound. Staying only made it fester.

Chrissy rose from the couch, her breath coming out in ragged gasps as she tried to fight off the stinging tears rising to her eyes. Eddie got up with her and took her wrists in his gentle hands, anchoring her to him. "Hey," he said softly. "I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere." The word yet hovered between them like a ghost, unspoken.

She met his eyes, those big, brown eyes that she didn't know how much she loved until now. Like everything in her life, the realization came too late.

No. It wasn't too late. Like he'd said, he was still here, and she was still here, and somehow, she would find a way to fit a lifetime of love into the few hours they had left.

"What do you want to do?" Eddie asked. "Just tell me."

She waited until her breath slowed. There was no time to waste in crying and regret. She had to make the most of this. "Roll for initiative?" she joked, using the only D&D phrase she knew.

It got a laugh out of Eddie. "Oh, I have so much to teach you."

Like a miracle, his laugh wiped away the pain gnawing at her heart. Their lips collided again, their kisses becoming more urgent, more incendiary as he lifted her up and she locked her ankles behind his back, not letting go even when he laid her down on the bed. Off came her shirt and her bra. She briefly unhooked her legs from around his waist so he could remove her jeans, with the solemn and reverent manner of someone uncovering some secret of the universe. His ever-busy mouth set out on another mapping journey, this time starting from her ankles, to her calves, to behind her knees, left leg and then right leg, left, right, left, right, higher and higher, his gossamer breath skimming over her skin, tickling and caressing, until she was arching her back and aching for him.

"Please, Eddie..." she panted.

Maddeningly, he just kept going higher and higher. "Patience, sweetheart," he said, and she could feel his smile against her skin. "I said I'm going to memorize every inch of you, and I meant it. Every"—her leg shook as he placed an expert kiss on the sensitive skin of her inner thigh—"single"—another one, on the other side—"inch."

But she had no patience left. She'd forgotten her resolve to make the night last as long as she could. She only knew that she wanted him, and she wanted him now.

And just when she thought she couldn't take it anymore, he was there, where she wanted him. That was Eddie all over. Always knowing what she wanted and how to give it to her, without her ever having to ask. As she came apart against his mouth, the cry that escaped her was almost a sob, part relief, part ecstasy.

Chrissy didn't realize she was crying until Eddie shuffled up the bed to join her and brushed his fingertips over her wet cheeks.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I know," she whispered back.

"Did you just quote Empire Strikes Back at me?" He grinned. "Have I turned you into a nerd at last?"

Laughing, she tugged his shirt over his head, making his hair crackle with static. With one hand, she tucked the loose strands away from his face and rested the other on his chest, feeling with pleasure the thundering of his heart under her palm. He may tease and taunt, but he was getting impatient as well. Catching her hand, he placed a kiss on her palm and trailed his lips up her arm, to her shoulder, her throat, over her breasts, the heat from his breath seeping through her skin.

Then their faces were level again, and the heat wasn't just over her skin, but inside her, gradually filling her, warming her to her very core, until she started panting again like she was on fire. Her legs instinctively found purchase around his waist, and as his pace grew faster, wilder, she clung to him, thighs pressing into the lean hollows of his hips, fingertips sunk into his back in a desperate attempt to slow him down, to make this last as long as they could.

As always, he understood without her having to say anything. His movements became lingering, almost dreamy, while the air between them became heavier, throbbing with a pressure that grew and grew. She buried her face in his shoulder to muffle the moans that escaped her, but his hands found their way to cradle her cheeks and ease her head back on the pillow again.

"Let me look at you," he said between heavy, heaving breaths. "I want to look at you."

She looked into his eyes, so dark they appeared almost black, shining in the dimness of the room, and it was the expression in them, vulnerable and tender and trusting, that finally sent the pressure exploding through her in waves after pulsing waves, turning their bodies into a sea of trembling nerves that washed around and over each other, drowning them both.

Afterward, they didn't sleep. They stayed awake, talked, made love, talked some more, made love again. At some point, though, they must have drifted off, because Chrissy remembered waking up with Eddie's arms around her, holding her to his chest. The window was a square of gray punctuated by the sharp lines of the blinds. Gently, she extracted herself from his arms and slipped out from the warm nest of blankets and bodies into the cold. It was late, but it was New Year's Day, and the entire town was still wrapped in a stupor of champagne and fireworks and half-forgotten resolutions, so it felt like just another early morning, another normal sleepover. Almost. Even the kiss she dropped on his lips was normal, not prolonged or teary. Eddie stirred sleepily but didn't wake. Chrissy wondered if he was pretending to be asleep, to make the parting easier.

She never found out. She just left, quietly closing the door behind her, without looking back. No goodbye.

Epilogue

I originally had this in just 2 chapters, but that made the 2nd chapter a bit too long, and there's a time jump anyway, so there will be a little epilogue after this. Stay tuned! (Or... don't, you know, since it's still not going to have a happy ending.)

[impossible3girl]

I recently noticed something during two Law and Order: Criminal Intent episodes (I actually noticed it a while ago, but I only now had the time to actually verify it). And because I haven't seen anyone talk about it (I might just have missed it, but anyway), I'm now going to.

That picture is from Season 3 Episode 10. The important part here is the date (Friday, 21. November 2003). Right after that scene, we see Bobby solve the case / get the guy to confess (it was the one with the two game developers where the one killed a gaming girl because he was jealous of her spending time with his partner) and him getting a text message from Alex about her having given birth to her nephew, which makes this day his birthday.

This picture is from Season 9 Eisode 2. Again, important is the date (Thursday, 19. November 2009) Eames is at the office of these two guys, who tell her to fire Bobby. After that, we only see a few scenes of them solving the case (First, the girlfriend of the murderer is killed, and Nichols and Stevens are questioning him and his sister. Then they are at 1PP and the sister confessed, but Goren tells Nichols that they need to let the guy free to finish the mission Captain Ross died for.) and finally the last scene, which is Alex firing Bobby and her resigning in the end. I'm not 100% sure, but I assume that all these scenes take place on the same day or maybe like a maximum of half a week(?).

Now I have this idea that just a few days later (Saturday, 21. November 2009) it's Alex's nephew's 6. Birthday. From the little things we get about her private life and her family (like her talking about him in season 3 or her being at what seems to be a family member's house and some small kids running around in season 6 for, I think, Thanksgiving or something like that), I assume that she is really close with him and will probably visit him on his birthday (or maybe the day after).

Based on these things, I just had an idea for a fanfiction where Eames visits her nephew for his birthday, and they have a party with the whole family (Eames' dad and mum (if she is still alive) and her brother with his family) and she takes Bobby along with her 1. because she always does that (he's kinda part of the family) and 2. to cheere him up after all that has just happened.

I think because the whole firing and resigning thing just happened her family might not know about it, but they find out during the party, and of course they are all shocked and Bobby feels kinda guilty (like he always does) but her family (except maybe for 1 or 2 people) are not angry at him. Even better if Bobby and Alex end up together during/ at the end of the story.

I just thought I would share it here because I'm not really good at writing (from all the ideas I had, I only finished one story, and the ones I started don't seem to get done in the near future) but I would love to read it, so if someone likes this idea, feel free to use it.

[sparky-selfships]

hiii so im copy-pasting my old f/o list/intro from my old account and making a few changes because that account is a year old. everyone on this list is romantic although i have a million comfort characters/platonic f/os and im not listing them here because there are so many. (also i would prefer if self-proclaimed "fictosexuals/fictoromantics" didnt interact with me because i view those terms as invalid, i mean you do what you want im not telling you whats wrong but please just dont talk to me. thank you!)

+++++++++++++

hiya ^_^ im sparky and this is my selfship blog!! i don't mind any pronouns (although i use feminine terms to describe myself) and i interact and follow from @alixmaestra. my f/o list is down below (bolded = not ok with sharing, italic = main f/o, strikethrough = retired, strikethrough + red = retired, now oc x canon) (also this blog is a work in progress so some of these tags arent up yet but they eventually will be!!)

+++++++++++++

romantic

chongyun (genshin impact) - july or august 2021 i think?? not entirely sure (tag: ❄frozen ardor❄)

kamek (mario series) - mid-june 2022 (tag: mekky)

zip toad (pmttyd) - beginning of october 2022 (tag: 🍄🌟❕)

mark berskii (p:eg) - crushed on him starting on january 26, 2023 but didnt start shipping with him until the beginning of february (tag: 🐊🎶)

the conductor (ahit) - i crushed on him when i was 11 (summer 2019) but i started shipping with him officially sometime in like...march? or late february? (tag: 🦉🚂)

the noise (pizza tower) - end of march 2023 (tag: 🐀🚬)

doopliss (pmttyd) - crushed on him a bit when i first started shipping with zip toad, didnt start officially shipping with him until the middle of april (tag: doop)

parakarry (pm64) - fun fact: he was my first fictional crush ever (back in late 2018, i was 11) iirc! i rediscovered him and am officially shipping with him as of 5/8/23. (he is also very very important to me, so please dni if you ship with him, thanks! /nm) (tag: 🐢💌)

kylie koopa (m+l) - end of may 2023 (tag: 🎀📷)

koops (pmttyd) - i considered shipping with him back in november or december(?) but i thought i was happy with my current list so i decided to just leave him as a crush, but i have decided to recruit him as a f/o as of late june 2023 (also just a forewarning, my fanon au version of koops is a little bit creepy so expect some creepy stuff relating to him eventually) (theres a reason as to why i view him the way i do but its super long and complicated) (also this is a koopie koo hatepage) (tags:🐢🩹(canon), 🐢🦇(au))

popple (m+l) - august 3rd 2023 exactly i think (tag: 💜💚💰)

freminet (genshin impact) - early september 2023 (tag: 🐧⚙)

zoobIe (tadc) - crushed on them near the middle of october but i didnt make a proper s/i until around the end of october/beginning of november 2023 (tag: that one conglomeration)

king jingaling (banjo-tooie) - a day or 2 days after thanksgiving 2023 (tag: 👑☀)

geno (smrpg) - a couple days before january 2024 (tag: 🌠)

kinito (kinitopet) - middle of feburary 2024 (tag: 🖥💖)

dr. reflex (baldi's basics) - near the middle of march 2024 (tag: 🩺🔨)

knife guy and grate guy (smprg) - middle of april 2024 (tag:💖🎺💛🗡)

marx (kirby) - second ever fictional crush around march 2019, got back with him at the end of july 2024 (tag: 💜❤💙🌟)

+++++++++++++

family

these characters do not have individual tags (all listed under "fictional family tag") and i do not remember the dates i started family shipping with them but i wanted to list them here anyway because why not. please do not interact if you ship romantically with any of these characters!

king k r00l (dk series) - father

funky k0ng (dk series) - uncle

the axem rangers (smrpg) - siblings

molly macaw (indigo park) - sister

lemmy k00pa (mario series) - adopted son

motley bossblob (mario 3d world) - adopted son

literally every j1njo ever (banjo kazooie) - adopted children

[me0wnz73r]

so. I want to rant again. About multiple things. But one thing at a time

So back in the day (a couple years back) my brother decided he wanted to act all kinds of up, right? And he’s always been a rapscallion ok. Like. He would beat on me and my sisters just cause. Straight abuse, cps (or wtvr it’s called in AL cause cpd ain’t called that here) was called a few times. Nothing done about it though. Okay, my little pity party abt getting the shit beat out of me by a 6’3 mf when I was 11 is almost over, but I just need to say how scary being picked up while in a chokehold and then promptly being suplexed is. And how scary it is to have that same guy say he’s gonna kill your entire family in their sleep and have to fight a bitch when he actually tried. Like, I was 5’3. this guy was 6’3. Terrifying shit like I’m just a guy.

anyway, my parents didn’t do shit about it, my step-mom actually beating the shit outta me n my siblings for things my step-brother did. But I digress. They did nothing, ok? Ok.

action was only taken when my brother actually started committing crimes (pulling a gun on some random dude and being a goddamn drug dealer + user apparently didn’t count but wtvr.) Those said crimes being two counts of grand theft auto (both cars had guns in them), assaulting my step-mother (broke her arm), and multiple “status offenses” of running away from home.

So yeah. And get this, action wasn’t even taken by the legal system really. All that happened is he got emancipated and placed in the care of his nana. Well, his nana is also a fucking crazy person cus she stabbed my fuckin paw paw. Ok. So he got placed in the care of his gramma. He fucked that up too and got taken by the state of TN (Dropkick Murphy’s ref in massivehugetits was actually Tennessee). So he’s in a program that’s *basically* juvy but not really.

in said program, he had to get a medflight from being jumped, he tried to hang himself with a belt, and a shit ton else. Safe to say he kept on going back to square one (this program was supposed to be 2 months long and reset whenever you got in trouble) because “is supposed to just take it?” Anyway so he was in the program until the state couldn’t legally keep him anymore, so he got released the day after he turned 18 (Nov. 1. Cause of course this guy was born on Halloween). He’s only been out since nov. 1, 2024. We’ve only visited twice in that time (once the day he got out and the second when we had thanksgiving)

In that span, he got a pet pig(?) and homewrecked one of his THIRTY year old nurses’ family and ran of to Knoxville with her. Weird. It’s been 2 fucking months.

But he’s visiting now. For Christmas. Just showed up at 8 fuckin 30. Bogeyman dark out. And I just can’t do it. Like I’m so paranoid, walking out of my room makes me nauseous. Like I think he’s gotten better but it’s hard to forget being scared for your family bc of someone. Oh and btw this guy had a coem wall. Idk. Not necessary to the story, just thought I’d say it.

[thoughts-onmars]

morning

Hello

Good morning Mars. Just another self care day. I love typing on this computer tbh and I love having this space. I really did this. We really did this. Sometimes I am like wow I really live in this state.

When we went to the rockies, it was soooo mf beautiful. How would it be living in a small mountain town I wonder. I would need to get my money up or have a business. I wonder how much it takes to run a business. Just a small 10K loan lol probably even more. I would say I have ideas but I should be doing more than just thinking about opening a business. I need to create a menu and find out about all the licensing it requires.

There are cute concepts of like smaller owned coffee/bfast on-the-go business' that I have seen on youtube. It's cute bc its like a bike and it opens up to a coffee place. So simple and it works. Is it successful? I mean it is on youtube. It creates the aesthetic. Maybe I should buy a camera? Like a camcorder and start recording my life and my hikes and what we do and just upload them.

Anyway back to the Rockies, it was SOO beautiful. So stunning. I am grateful now as an adult that I was exposed to altitude and hiking at such a young age and now as an adult it really is part of my life. I enjoy dedicating a day that is spent outside, breathing in the clean cold air and taking in all the sights. Just a lucky gurl, but not really because I had ambitions of a life like this <3

I still want to maybe move one more time but after being in the Rockies, that place placed a spell on me and I don't want to move away from CO. JP did mention moving more up north and I think I would be down. I would just have to transfer to the newer building that is up there because I am pretty sure he would just stay in Superior.

This work week was super lame. I have been feeling frustrated because I feel like I am the only one that cares about my job on the team I am in. Because of this I almost have felt like crying because there is no effort given by those around me and it effects me in that way. I am just an emotional bishhh lol like I am so annoyed and bothered that I feel like crying at work sometimes. Then I just breathe to try and relax and regulate and that helps. Since I have been missing my family also, when kids come around in their cute soccer uniforms, I get a little sad because I miss soccer saturdays way back way when Alice would have early saturday games and then sometimes we would go to the store with my parents or we would just to my crib or I would go to work. Sheesh that was in 2017.

I have plans to go home for Thanksgiving and it would be my 3rd time coming home this year. I feel like I already typed this. A lot of my thoughts are the same thoughts or maybe I am typing too often. Who knows and who cares bc it is me and my thoughts hehehehe. Flights are super pricy though, like 300 almost 400. The other day they were around 140 and I thought that was too much. I do want to go home because I do want to see all my nieces and I haven't even met my nephew and he is already 2! I need to hold a baby!!!!

Thats it for today. I already broke sober october but I nEED to remind myself how awful I feel the next day that I drink and how I have disrupted sleep when I drink. Last night I didn't sleep that well and I KNOW it's because I drank more like 3 beers lol like 4 or 4.5. I NEED TO DO BETTER. DO BETTER MARS!! Just finish the beers in the fridge today so that there are no temptations later in the week lol mary logic. okay PEACEEEE

[thoughtsfromaveggie]

1/29- 2/19 (new year!)

Alright. So the past month and a half has been full of changes and I don't think I have had a second to really sit down and process everything. So lets start from December 2022.

November and December were stressful. After going through multiple interviews with programs that I admired (for the most part) and getting rejected many times, I was starting to lose hope. The biggest piece of feedback that I received from these interviews was that I lacked the experience. I found a program that would give me the experience that I need, hopefully. So I applied, got a spot and so I began the next steps. Found some housemates, created a list of homes that I was interested in, created a budget, and so on. Only issue was that I had bought a flight home for a month and the program started shortly after I returned from my trip. Right before my trip I was going to a Peach Pit concert and right before that, I was heading to Yosemite for a week. I also had my last shift at the coffee shop the day before I left to Yosemite. Apparently that coffee shop is up in flames now. That's what the owners get though. They were the absolute worst. Fantastic coffee though, I'll give them that.

Yosemite was lovely. I have never been at a loss for words for an area. Though I love the outdoors, I'm never fully "impressed." I think it stems from understanding how these formations come to be. Maybe to an extent I'm desensitized to the beauty of it all. I digress. The sights were beautiful. I slipped on some ice and scratched my face up, I still have a small mark on my face from the accident. I'm hoping it doesn't scar but if it does, that's okay, it'll be a nice reminder. Right after I fell on my face, my partner and I were starting to run low on energy, I was slightly agitated from falling on my face and we couldn't find the end of the trail. So they took of their shoes, carried their stuff across the lake, came back, put me on their back and carried me across the lake. It was very sweet of them. The next day we summit the top of Yosemite falls, which is one of the tallest waterfalls in the United States. It was definitely a challenge but I am proud of us for getting to the top. The amount of people we saw going up just as the sun was beginning to set was concerning. I hope they're all okay. There was a large group of kids from SF potentially on a field trip that were struggling. Oh. this was on Thanksgiving. I almost forgot to mention. It was a great hike. I always loved how California mountains seem to be separated into three different terrains.

Anyways, once we got back to the Airbnb, we made ourselves a little thanksgiving dinner, mac and cheese, some veggies, fake ham. It came out pretty decent for the equipment we were using. The next day was pretty relaxed, and I cried as we left the park. Not only did I get to see the national park that really kicked off conservation of parks and land, but I was also saying goodbye to California. I am two weeks into my new home and not a day goes by that I don't think about california and how much I miss it.

Once we got back from the park, I packed my bags, I packed Ben up and headed to the Bay Area. I spent about a week there. Ben and I really like our time there. They always seem happy. And I got to be a stay at home partner. Everyday my "partner" went to school or work, and I would stay back waiting for them. Cleaning the space for us, cooking us lunch and dinner, then getting more housing stuff in order. It was really nice. I never thought I'd find that lifestyle appealing but it was endearing. I wouldn't mind being a stay at home partner for a little.

December 1st was Peach Pitt. They were fantastic. I thought I was going to cry for sure but I was in a newish setting at this concert. There have been maybe three concerts (including this one) where I was not in the crowd. We found this nice little spot towards the back that was slightly elevated. I have never felt such intense emotion when listening to a guitar solo than I did with Chris. They did this cool little thing where their guitars harmonized together while they were playing the song "Hotel California." Tash Sultana came close, I think company also had a small influence on how I felt at those concerts. I felt pretty empty after that concert. That hallow feeling lasted a couple days.

A few days pass by and it's time for me to head back home to pack and get ready for my flight back "home." I gave myself little time to pack and on the next day I embarked on a 8+ hour trip to the other coast.

My time back home was surprisingly quiet. I worked with my dad everyday at their new business. It was nice getting to work with him. Every morning him and I would go to a new cafe and try out their coffee. I would tell him about what I tasted, if it was good, and how they could improve. He threw the idea of helping me start my own coffee shop at me and was beginning to find spots for it. I cannot fathom how quickly he was ready to open one up with me and help me. I think that would be so fun. I think it would be Latin themed. There was this one coffee shop in Portland that really caught my attention. I'm blanking on the name currently, but it's owned by a Mexican human and their espresso drinks are inspired by traditional drinks and flavors found in Mexican dishes. It was lovely. I would love to do something similar with Central America and their traditional flavors.

I really didn't do much more than work. I hung out with my brothers here and there. They were also working most of the time. B and I headbutted a lot which was so disappointing. It's been happening for years but it always hurts to fight with him. His girlfriend is also the worst in my eyes. The youngest one has a girlfriend now too. I like her. She seems good for K. I also got to spend a lot of time with my cousin M. He makes me laugh so much. I miss them all so much now that I'm gone. i wish we got to spend more time together.

I was super concerned about seeing family since my trauma was spilled to the family by a drunken, protective, yet sloppy father. I expected to be seated down with my uncle and confronted. But thankfully when he saw me working at the grocery store, he walked the other way. In a way, I'm kinda disappointed that there was no conversation. He gets to live on and take advantage of others. Takes money from my family, treats them poorly, and so on. Though there was no talk, I am happy that it really didn't impact my stay too much.

I also saw a past partner, the one that has been on my mind for so terribly long. They reached out to me in August, asking me what I expected from our friendship, and how I viewed everything that happen. I was honest, told them that I didn't really see much of a friendship between us but I still had hope for us in the future. I interpreted their response as them feeling mutual about my statement. It's so funny because every time they would text me, or we would have a phone call, I ended up hurt. By my own doing of course. I don’t think I’m fully able to have them in my life. And maybe I never will be. Them appearing hurt each and every time. I longed for this person for over two years, romanticizing what we had the entire time. Looking back now, it really wasn't that great. I was not happy, and by no fault of theirs. I was dealing surprising so much trauma at that time. I never acknowledged the pain I was in. i was also so confused in my own identity and the body dysphoria was all consuming. I did not treat them well at all. I was a horrible person. I do believe that I loved them above all. I still believe that they were my first love. But how much of it was real? how much of it was trauma? I guess it really doesn't matter.

Our hangout was fine. They drove up to see me. We headed out to a park and sat by the Bay together for a bit. It was the same place that we had our first date actually. I'm not sure if they remember that we kayaked past that location together. We chatted and got coffee. They told me about their new partner and I was happy to listen. The language that was used made me feel quite uncomfortable, it almost felt as though they were trying to really highlight all the areas that I failed in, and how their partner is significantly better in those areas than me. I also acknowledge that I could have been reading it wrong, especially as a past lover. Being together felt like old times, the playful banter, the goofiness, the big old smile of theirs. I guess none of that was exclusive to our relationship but it was very missed. Seeing them fucked me up. I ended up getting stuck in my thoughts and focusing on them too much. So much so that I actually went to their account and read their most recent post. It really put the nail in the coffin for any hope of there being a future together. And to think I thought something else may have happened when we saw each other, especially considering that a few days before hand they sent me a text saying that their friends didn't want them texting me when they were drunk. Silly me, reading too deep into it.

Seeing that post set me free though. I realized that I was never really able to love my partner fully because of the feelings I was holding onto. I told JC about every time MDM and I would talk. I was always so painfully transparent about how I was feeling, how much I missed MDM, how I felt as though I could develop feelings for MDM at any second. I cannot imagine how JC felt about that. I was holding on, and holding myself back from a loving relationship. Before I left home, and right before I saw my past partner, JC and I had a talk about where we stood, and I told them that I didn't want to continue doing what we were doing due to past actions and excuses that they always gave me. I think that scared them because that night they cried and told me that they want me. We talked about how they hurt me and how they need to improve. A few days passed, and we made it official.

The entire time I was saving a spot at my "love party" for someone who would never show up and not giving enough to the person who had been showing up for an entire year and a half for me. They are actually the one who picked me up from the airport on January 6th with arms wide open, eyes that twinkled when they saw me, and a smile that could make my heart melt, along with a container of food for me. They drove us to their apartment in the Bay Area for the night. The next day they drove me to the light rail and we kissed each other goodbye. Once I got to Sac, I began to pack up my things and began to get ready for the roller coaster that I was about to embark on. I packed, donated, put coins into little sleeves, and awaited the day to arrive for my big move.

A day before my move, my friends threw me an "emo night" party. On the table there was a basket full of weed (I haven't smoked in ages) and a cute little tofu stew awaiting me. It was lovely to see everyone. It's nice knowing how loved I am. I miss everyone in CA.

And with that, my bunny, JC, and I were on our way to a new state the next morning. I gave my housemate a hug goodbye, shed a tear, and left my home. The drive wasn't too bad. It took us about 13-14 hours to get up here. JC and I tag teamed it and honestly, time flew by and my bun took it like a champ.

We settled into my new home, they helped me run some errands, and we got to explore the new city. I have to say that I don't fully love living in a big city. I don't hate it but I don't really like it. The only redeeming feature is the light rail. Honestly the community here is nowhere near as good as it was in CA. they keep calling it the WA freeze and I feel it. I've been looking for some mutual aid groups to volunteer with but I have been having a harder time finding one that calls to me. In sac, there were so many, and I loved them all so much.

I don't see myself staying here. Maybe my gut was wrong about finding community out here. I could be very wrong. I'm going to ballroom event next month so I hope to meet some cool people out there. who knows. Today I went to a Salvadorean bakery, the southern part of the town seems to be where all the cool folks are so maybe I'll spend more time exploring that area.

Anyways, my partner left a few days after being here with me, and they told me they love me before getting on their plane. They have never said it first and it was nice to hear them say it with more ease. (they have never been good at saying they love their friends or family, we are working on it). A few days after they left, I started my new job, along with a battle with getting new plates, license and what not for this new state. Shortly after, i found that my car was beginning to shake, so now i suspect that my transmission may be hurting. it's been a few weeks and I do not have the funds to take it to the shop but I think my next paycheck will allow me to take her to the shop.

Every morning I would wake up at 5, get on the light rail and get to work at 7:30. The commute was rough but I grew to like it. The people were okay. I think my crew from last year just made such an impression that these folk are kinda disappointing, or so it seemed at first. Now it's been almost a month and I feel as though folks are starting to warm up to me. I still feel as though they all speak over me and ignore me, which makes me feel some sort of way but honestly who gives a shit. I'm too hot and sexy to care about these pathetic little white people.

The opportunities that are appearing in this job give me lots of hope honestly. I think I will definitely get a better shot at the jobs I was applying for last year. I'm excited! I do want to apply to some jobs back in NorCal. I really do think that's where I want to be.

I went to a valentines day party yesterday with my coworkers and that was pretty alright! And my partner sent me flowers which was really sweet. I hung them up to dry so I can hang them up on my wall. I told them that when we break up I was gonna eat them. their response was "wow, you really have this all planned out." At the party, one of my coworkers kept hugging me and telling me that they loved me. That was fun. Thank you gay man

Anyways, its pretty late, and this post took forever to finally finish. Honestly, it's just a lot of word vomit but I do feel much better. I felt myself getting a bit sad right now and this def got my mind off of it. I'm sure I'll have more to add later. Remember to take ur vitamin D cause this lack of sun is something else.