#anyways i am very tired and only woke up to go to office hours which

[pbandjesse]

My allergies are kicking off and I am exhausted. I had wanted to participate in house projects with James this evening but instead I have just been. Stuck here on the couch. Firstly I was freezing. Then I was just. So tired. Ugh. I will try to go to bed earlier tonight.

I didn't even sleep poorly. I would get woken up a few times. James pulled a lot of our blankets over themselves away from me. And I was cold. But it was fine. I was not thrilled about waking up but I was fine. I laid with James for a few extra minutes. But I would get up and things would be okay.

I asked James to make the bed with the. Blanket turned side ways so that we would have more length across both of us. And I hope that that works.

I would get dressed and felt okay. I really loved how my hair looked last night but of course it wasnt the same when I woke up. I sort of got it to a place I liked but I was still struggling today. I don't know what's up with me but I'm trying to be kinder to myself.

I left here earlier then I thought I would. I got a good hug from James before I left. And I got to see the pretty pink trees outside our house. Our tree hasn't bloomed yet and I'm curious what kind of tree it is. There seems to be a few of the pinks and them the rest may be the same kind but I do not know what kind they are. It will be fun to see how the neighborhood looks in different seasons.

I had a really nice drive to camp. No traffic at all. I listened to an album I loved when I was 12. And was just in a good mood.

I stuck to my morning plan and went to sweep top bar. Which took about a half hour. I flipped some mattresses and tried to make it look nice. And then I went to the office to go have my breakfast.

I would watch a TikTok that made me cry. About a girl and her dad having a really powerful connection over one specific song and he just passed away and it was just. A lot. I did not want to be teary when other people came in so I had to pull myself together.

Sarah would come in a little after 9. She had her own breakfast and we would start attacking our list of chores for the open house.

While Sarah would go work on cleaning the fort, I would design some table signs and then laminate then. The laminator did not work amazing but I ran all my signs through it twice. And headed out into the world.

I went over to the pioneers first and cleaned up the fire pit area. Moved the grill back in place. Fold red d the blue tarp. Picked up trash. It looks better. I also fixed a part of the fence and I think it looks good.

I would go and set up tables in the lodge. And clean the bathrooms. I was getting a lot done.

I started cleaning the signs outside. But I am short and could only reach half way. Which looked very funny. I got a lot of the green stuff off of the bottom halves though. And we would go with the gator later and I would stand on the back and we were able to reach two of the 4 signs.

I would go find Sarah in the fort. She was finishing up sweeping. I would help sweep the bathroom and we would finish up pretty easy.

We drove the gator to the Alaskans. I worked on the bathrooms while she swept. We had an excellent divide and conquer system and we got so much accomplished.

I would go over to tipis and picked up some stuff and tried to make it look nice. And since we were going to have our lunch break next anyway I texted Sarah I would meet her at the office. And I went for a little walk.

I walked down to the Glen to see if any of the frog eggs looked like anything yet. But nope. Still just dots. I'll keep checking. I want to see the tadpoles in there.

I continued the walk and went through and found some mushrooms and things and it was great. Just a really lovely walk.

I would have my lunch and me and Sarah both agreed we were so tired. So we took a long break before we would do anything else.

While I had my little break I would eat and watch videos. I did some research about cabinet colors to match with our pink wall. It was nice.

We would go back out and finished our last tasks. Used the gator as a ladder and cleaned the signs. We finished moving some beds. And I was proud of us for all of the hard work. We had lots of laughs driving around on the gator. It was a beautiful day. And even if I am feeling really self conscious I was still having a lot of fun.

We decided to go visit the horses. I hadn't met the new horse. And he is so sweet. We walked through the very muddy field and said hello to everyone. Have lots of pets and cuddles. And when we got to the bottom of the hill we saw a school bus pull up. And it was Aubrey! And she climbed the fence and starts walking and we're just standing there waving. And she finally noticed us and we were all laughing. We would tease eachother and walked up to her house together. She's a good kid.

We would head back to the office and checked in with Alexi about everything we accomplished. And it was nice that she was really happy with us and that made me feel nice. There was some stuff we couldn't do. Like putting the tent back together at homestead. But we did so much and I'm very proud of us.

Heather would ask me to design a job flyer. We need ropes specialists and apparently we are struggling to find them. I had fun making it and Heather would go in and change some of the copy which was fine with me, mine was mostly a place holder. We did laugh really hard when we realized that I wrote "flaying squirrel" instead of "flying squirrel" oops. Flaying a squirrel would be a good camp skill though probably.

I finished that up and when Heather said she was happy with it I was like. Okay! I'm going home! I will see you all on Sunday!

And I headed right home. It was a pretty good drive back, some traffic. Some people driving stupid. But I got home at 430 and got a pretty good parking spot.

When I got inside James wasn't home yet. I would bring the mail in. I closing s random Amazon package of pens? That neither of us ordered?? Very weird.

I went to put away some stuff. And found a jewelery box on the kitchen island with a necklace from James. That was originally supposed to be a Christmas gift but had gotten lost. But they found it and I was so happy. It's so sparkly.

I would go upstairs to take some photos of my possible outfits for Uganda. Which I'm still pretty unsure about but I'm getting clearer I think. And waited for James to come home.

When they got home they would play one round of their football video game. And then jumped right into tasks. I was kind of falling apart though. I got cuddled up on the couch and told James about the day. And they made me dumplings for dinner.

They would work on hanging the art I laid out some the shelf in the living room. And they got a lot of that done before the drill died and needed to be charged.

They would jump into painting the stairwell. And I would just be a little potato on the couch. But James said it was fine and just asked for my input when they needed it.

Now they are finishing up the hanging of pieces in the living room and it looks great. I'm so excited for how everything is coming together.

Now though I think I want to get a shower and get ready to sleep. Tomorrow I am hoping to go to thrift stores and possibly get the wood to build my skinny bookshelf. But we will see how the day unfolds. I just hope I can feel peaceful.

I have been feeling kind of stressed because I feel pulled in so many directions. Like I'm finally feeling better and so now it feels like everyone wants me to be doing everything and I just cannot. I need to be alone and I don't want to hurt my more extroverted friend's feelings. But man. I am tired inside. Walking around alone at camp today helped a lot. And I hope tomorrow helps too.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Goodnight

[chromalogue]

In which I am a brazen fool

Last week was kind of strenuous.  I knew it was going to be. 

Monday was a normal day.

Tuesday evening I was supposed to attend a guest lecture put on by a research centre I'd like to join. 

Wednesday started with an early lecture by a friend, put on by another research centre I'd like to join, on a topic I'm interested in.  Then I had to hop on a bus to the downtown campus for a meeting with an administrative person looking for input from international researchers.  Then dinner with the same colleague from that morning's lecture, plus another colleague who I hadn't met yet but who also has similar research interests. 

Thursday was an evening reception for international postdocs. 

Friday was my 6 AM wakeup and then six solid hours of German class, followed by shopping and laundry. 

And then, because last week was special, wretchedly early on Saturday morning was another four hours of German class to make up for the holiday on Good Friday.

So I already knew I was setting myself up for exhaustion and not getting much done.  My compromise with my sleep disorder, for which my partner and family roundly mock me, is maintaining a fairly strict bedtime between 2:30 and 3:30, which requires something like military discipline for me, because I have to be really exhausted to be anything like tired at that time.  The only way I can manage it is to have near-complete control over my schedule and nothing else at all going on.  But it means I get to work around noon at the earliest, eat a wholesome breakfast in the cafeteria, and am in my office from around 12:30-11 or so.  So, evening events mean sharply curtailed days, and morning ones mean less sleep.  Of course.

And the compromise I've made with my pathologically thorough style of note-taking is that I dictate my notes.  This I started in earnest because the electronic lock on my apartment door used to stick and I gave myself a repetitive strain injury always turning the knob, and spent three months in a tensor bandage.  I continued with it even after typing stopped hurting, because I usually take about thirty pages of notes per hundred pages I read, and dictating that goes a lot faster than typing, even though Microsoft speech-to-text is hilariously terrible and requires hours of correcting afterwards.  So like, one of the things I had to do during these very short workdays was dictate a lot of notes in a very little bit of time.  

Well, the Tuesday lecture ended in a trip to a restaurant, where I enjoyed excellent Italian food and hours of good conversation with people from the research centre.  On Wednesday, the meeting with the administration was catered, with little bites of things in jars with spoons.  I had exactly one hour of rapid-fire dictation before joining my colleagues at the restaurant, where we spent many pleasant hours and I ate my own weight in calamari.  

Thursday was more rapid-fire dictation.  By this time I was exhausted, and my throat was raw, and no wonder.  When I arrived at the reception, a very excellent person asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was astonishingly grumpy for someone with no real problems.  She said she hoped I'd feel better as the evening wore on.  And then there was my supervisor, and beverages, and I took my mask off and drank apple juice out of a wine glass, and ate and drank and stayed to the end, which I didn't think I was going to be able to manage.  And my mood improved, even though I was still tired enough that word-finding was a problem.  

We heard some speeches, although the admin person I'd met the day before was supposed to give the keynote, and she was out sick now.  At one point I wondered if I should put my mask back on, but I'd been eating and drinking in room with all these people for hours anyway, and I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable.  

On Friday I woke up with my throat even worse, and tried to take a covid test, but the one I'd bought had no liquid in the tube.  (Later, I couldn't remember the German for "liquid"; I told the people at the store that the juice was missing.)  So I put on an FFP2 mask, which here seems to be the equivalent of an N95, and went to my six hours of class.  I tried to minimize the time I spent unmasked.  When the window was open, I took advantage of the time to lift my mask a bit and shove in veggie salami and a bit of cheese.  

I was feeling next-level tired, and my skin was starting to crawl in the way that a fever does.  I picked up the (wrong, it turns out) cleaning disk I'd ordered for the Tassimo I found on the side of the road at the beginning of the month, got a couple more covid tests, and did some grocery shopping.  I bought fruit.  Like, lots and lots of fruit.  Ridiculous amounts.  Blueberries, strawberries, grapefruit, passionfruit, grapes, cherries.  It looked so good.  

The only thing that kept me from melting into a puddle of goo when I got the groceries home was the knowledge that if I didn't get my clothes into the building's washing machine as soon as possible, the person in #5 would put her clothes in.  Also probably the dehydration.  Laundry takes four hours, and ye gods, I did NOT want to prolong that today. 

So I took a covid test--negative--and then grabbed my laundry.  I shoved it all in, waited two hours, and went down to put it in the dryer, telling myself, only two more hours until I can put on jammies and curl up.  Only the dryer was somehow full of #5's laundry, and had an hour and thirty-eight minutes left on the timer.  (And I didn't think the timer went higher than 1:05, which in real time is about 2 hours.)  And I thought about waiting whatever vast span of time 1:38 actually represented to be able to even put my laundry in the dryer, not to mention the two hours beyond that.  And I took my wet clothes, shuffled to the elevator, and went upstairs.  I hung them, quite certain that they would be dry before I was in clothes-wearing condition again.

Then I made myself some nachos, and crashed until about 5:30 in the morning.  E-mailed my supervisor that I wouldn't be able to meet.  Had my class.  Slept some more.  Watched Eurovision.  (AWESOME with a fever; 10/10 would recommend.  Finland was still robbed.)

Sunday I spent sneezing.  Watched a film over Zoom.  

Monday I woke up and the fever was gone.  I felt like I had a bad head cold, but my energy was at about 80%.  Back in the Before Times, this would have meant going to work, but it would be bad form now, so I decided I would go to the office after hours and pick up some things to work on.  

I took a covid test.  It was positive.  

So.  Then I had to e-mail all the people I was with last week, and warn them.  And then I waited until evening, when no one would be in the office.  I'd planned to take the bus if I tested negative, but as it was, I just picked the most secluded path to work, with the fewest stairs, and walked.  I was masked the whole time I was indoors, and anytime I saw anyone on the street outdoors.  I touched as little as I could in the common areas of the building, slathering my hands in sanitizer and opening doors with my elbows.  Got my stuff.  Got home.  Felt better for the walk, frankly. 

Normally I stay masked indoors in public (albeit in a surgical mask, the ones they call IIR here), and only unmask to eat and drink, but with all the catered meetings and dinners last week, that still amounted to something like eleven hours I spent unmasked in the presence of others.  Last week I was feeling sheepish about staying masked as long as I did in front of them; this week I get to e-mail them all and tell them that I've exposed them to a potentially deadly disease through my carelessness.  So far, I haven't heard of anyone getting sick, thank goodness, but I'm still not done.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1988 I just finished watching Unsolved Mysteries. It was ok, but I’ve seen better shows of theirs.

Earlier I worked as the office manager at Channel 57 for the second time. It’s very boring and tedious but it’s something to do. It’s a very easy job though I had feared before it would be difficult. There isn’t much that’s too hard for me. If you can learn to play a musical instrument and all the other things I’ve learned, then you can learn anything, although I hate anything dealing with numbers.

There are still times I wish I were straight and could have sex with a guy and enjoy it and be attracted to a guy as I am to women, but they’re such assholes. But then again, male or female, that is all I ever get anyway.

I’m taking a chance nonetheless. I sent Between Friends $70, but if I’m not attracted to any of these 3 women or they’re jerks or they’re decent and I lose them, then I think I’d be damn entitled to my money back. I guess if that happens, you renew your membership. Like hell I will. For $295? No way!

I’ve been taking only 5mg of Navane and I’ve been basically ok. Only a couple of bad times, but they passed; those racing thoughts that make me depressed.

Well, it doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere for Chanukah or my b-day. Tammy and I got into another squabble as usual and she hasn’t called. But I won’t be surprised if she does. It’s like Andy said to me, “You know you’re gonna make up with her.” No doubt she’ll call at the last minute. Actually, though, I’m really kind of hoping she’ll stay pissed and not call. I don’t think I want to go down there. Besides, I despise the fact of having Nerve drive me down and totally dread it.

The bus ticket price coming back is crazy and I also feel I’d like to celebrate alone. Once again I get that feeling of pride at not turning to anyone on my b-day. I’m really doing great at sheltering myself and keeping independent.

Andy or Nervous should be calling any minute now I guess.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1988 I woke up this morning feeling miserable so I called my allergy doctor. Next Wed. at 10:00 I see him.

Thank God Nervous woke me up. He tried at 10:00 but obviously, I never heard the phone. When he called back at 11:30, I was exhausted. If I sleep too much I feel tired.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1988 I got back an hour or so ago from Longmeadow where we had dinner. It was nice, except for the fact that half the meal exploded on the stove, cuz as we’ve learned, you never put glass on a stove. But she did, so we had a hell of a mess. Also, Becky broke a plate. We took pictures of both of these episodes for Mom. She’ll love it.

When Tammy came to pick me up we went to Store 24 so I could get ciggies and a lighter and she said she saw Nervous. Probably spying. He did call last night and it looks like I am stuck with him going to Salem.

I just called Ma and said we’re so glad she’s 1400 miles away. We’re sending her pictures.

Tammy says my singing’s not the worse but it’s not the best. That’s good enough for me.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1988 Well, they say it gets worse before it gets better. Today I had a miserable day, but I stuck to only 5mg instead of 10mg of Navane. I feel very much better than I have since I cut down. It was miserable as the doctor said it would be. I was very dizzy all the time and my mind was racing and I was anxious as all hell, but it’s gone now. The question is for how long, though? Tammy agreed I just needed to adjust. Still seems always to be worse before my period which I should be getting any day now. I’ve been cramping like hell.

Al was supposed to call me again tonight and he hasn’t yet and I have come to hope he won’t.

Andy never called last night like he said he would and Nervous didn’t either and probably won’t tonight either.

Speaking of Andy, he’s on the phone with me now. He may be coming over later.

Nervous probably won’t call til after my birthday cuz of the nasty things I’ve said. He’ll try to avoid giving me a ride cuz it’s for Chanukah and my birthday and he’ll never get me a gift. That’s how obsessive males are. They always figure they’re owed something in return.

I haven’t shit in a week and I don’t know why. I’ve taken my Medimucal and have eaten a lot. The Navane causes that and the doctor says once you cut down or stop, the side effects get worse before they get better, so I’ll have to suffer for a while longer. Probably won’t shit for another week or two.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1988 I got up at 7:15 after having some very unpleasant dreams.

Sure enough, there was a message on my machine from Andy. I think I remember hearing it when he called, but I was just too damn tired, and I figured that once I was fully awake after talking with him, I’d never go back to sleep.

I had woken up at 1:00 to go pee and get some cookies and something to drink and the cat was so funny. She came over to where I was sitting at the kitchen table and squinted up at me through half-closed eyes. You could see she had definitely been sound asleep and wasn’t used to the bright lights yet, but as soon as I get up, she does too. Every morning it’s the same routine. I get up, go into the bathroom, close the door and she waits outside the door and meows. When I come out, she follows me into the kitchen where she demands to be petted and loved and then I feed her. After that it’s playtime. I have the same routine for waking up in the morning. Coffee, then music.

I also woke up last night at 3:00 to smoke maybe 6 drags off a cigarette, then again at 4:30.

Later…

Today’s the day I go for my interview at the school department on State St. I hope they need me full-time cuz I’m gonna have some free time till I move.

Later, I’ve got to call Mansfield about my written exam and the temporary permit I was supposed to have received in the mail a long time ago. I thought the director was supposed to get back to me, but she hasn’t yet.

December 3rd is gonna be one miserable day with having to put up with the mouth and crazy driving.

I want to hurry up and move so badly. Tammy says she highly doubts I’ll be here when the summer comes, but who knows? I didn’t think I’d still be here now.

I hope this court case gets dropped if I don’t drop it myself by not showing up. Everyone says it’ll get dropped and that they just want to waste my time. That’s males for you. My lawyer’s an asshole. A typical male for sure. I’m glad I’m gay. I really am. It may be hard to find a woman who’s gay, let alone a good one, but 98% of males are jerks. Statistics say so many wives and girlfriends get abused by their boyfriends or husbands.

Al dumped me simply cuz I wasn’t good enough for him, cuz of my past and cuz he couldn’t get it in there. He was very negative and there was always something wrong with me. He can have a happy life, cuz he’ll never get a decent woman, nor is he capable of loving anyone.

Later…

I’m gonna be volunteering at one of the schools doing library assisting, Monday, Wednesday & Thursday. Also, if they need me to speak sign language or Spanish, they’ll let me know. She also said sometimes for the holidays they need singers.

I called Al before I left and told him how I feel. All I want to do is make him happy and be happy as well. I want him to give me a chance to show I care and want him to try to care for me. I know what I did wrong back then and would never repeat my mistakes. I realize I may have had some problems, but he ran away as if he didn’t care. I didn’t mean to scare him away, but I just wish he’d open up and be more encouraging, not so negative. I would never hurt him. I just want to spend the night in his arms with good things to talk about. I want to feel cared for and I want to care for him. I know he’d never marry and have kids with me, and I accept that. He says he’s gonna call me later. If he does, he’ll never come over.

Later…

I just got Gloria’s album Otro Vez and I can’t believe how much I understand. The picture of her on the back cover looks pitiful. She had short hair, seemed plump and looked like Liza Manelli. There was this other girl too, but Gloria looked awful. They’re supposed to send me the other one called Rio soon. They’re temporarily out of stock of it. I owe them $10 for this album and tomorrow or Friday I’ve got to go to get the two 12” records I ordered.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1988 Today at 3:00, I have to see Dr. Osborne. That sucks.

Tomorrow I go for an interview at the school dept. I wonder what they will need me to do.

I just called Elizabeth who says she’s gonna have some photocopying but isn’t sure when she’ll have the stuff ready but will call me today or tomorrow to let me know for sure. Probably Wednesday.

Last night I called Tammy and even sang for her a little on the phone. I told her I wanted a music book for my birthday. Either Canciones De Mi Padre or Madonna. Hope she gets it.

I still don’t know what to get my family and friends but I don’t think I’m gonna shop till next month. Around December 1st I’ll start my gift shopping.

Later…

I just called Tammy and told her that Philip can’t bring me down to her place on December 3rd cuz he’s going to Mexico. If not, I’ll be on the bus.

Tammy said, “Just use Nervous. It’ll be only for an hour and a half. ��

No way, I told her. He’s too pushy, never shuts up, drives like a maniac and I just don’t trust his car.

Tammy said she’ll get back to me.

Nervous says he’s gonna get me a keyboard but I doubt it, and if he does, he better not expect me to kiss his ass cuz things aren’t gonna change.

Oh God, what’s he gonna do when I move? He’ll just die. I’ll give him my address and number but I really don’t want to see him. I will, however, talk to him on the phone. Why not? He’ll be paying and he’s more tolerable on the phone than in person. If I ever let him see me inside my apartment or in the neighborhood, he’ll no doubt be awfully curious and will probably spy. I hope he does. The thought amuses me.

Later…

I called for bus fare info just in case and the prices are outrageous. $20 one-way and $38 round-trip. Ridiculous. I’ll get down there somehow.

In 20 minutes or so I’ve got to catch the bus downtown, then transfer to the Feeding Hills bus. What sucks is that I’m gonna have to wait for a half-hour for the doctor and then 40-45 minutes for the bus afterward.

Later…

I am now at Osborne’s waiting to see the “Wizard of Oz.” I think I just saw Debbie, the little jerk.

When I got off the bus I went to Dunkin Donuts cuz I knew I had time to kill and I’ll have plenty of it to kill after I see Oz, too. Before I got on the Feeding Hills bus I went into Johnson’s and bought more journals. A big one and a little one. The prettiest one of all has no lines.

It’s about 3:00 now and I hope he’s not late as all doctors are. But then again it really doesn’t matter cuz the next bus isn’t till 4:00. After I see him I’ll be damned if I’ll wait outside. It’s too windy. I’ll wait in here.

I’ve been thinking about moving a lot lately. Yes, I really do want to move. And fast. But it’ll no doubt take several more months.

Later…

I just saw Ozzy and now I’m waiting for the bus. He’s a really nice guy. He says I’ve come a long way and have been through a lot. He agrees I am a survivor and can handle anything. He also says I definitely must stop the Navane. He understands it’ll be difficult but that it’s important to reverse the tardive dyskinesia. He gave me some tea which I’ll finish now, then go to the bus stop.

Later…

I am home now and I just ate 3 pieces of chicken, some rice and some green beans. Next, I’ll take my meds and my vitamins.

Some crazy wacko was running her mouth at the bus stop about the shelter she’s living in and the job she wants. Some people are weird. Reminds me of Nervo.

Wednesday I can’t forget to watch my show Unsolved Mysteries. I missed it last week.

I wonder when the people’s daughter, son and grandson upstairs are gonna move out. Their footsteps are obnoxious. Drunkie downstairs would just love it.

This morning, shortly before 8:30 I heard the bitch next door go out for work and I called her to make her run back inside, then hung up. She probably thinks she just got to the phone too late and will be wondering all day who it could’ve been.

Well, tonight is when Ma calls so I’ll postpone my shower till after she calls. Tammy has to get back to me, too.

Later…

The phone rang, I picked it up and said, “Hi ma.”

The reply was, “Wrong. It’s Elizabeth.” She was laughing and said she certainly wasn’t expecting that. She says she’s got no work for me this week but next Tues. she thinks she does.

I also told her I was apprehensive about being the office manager but says she’ll hang around at first till I get the hang of it. Also, Cheryl will be there. She said they’ll make sure I know what to do and that I’m enjoying it or else I can do something else. I told her that I’m sure I’ll enjoy it and that once I get started it’ll be easy.

I just remembered Andy’s calling tonight too, along with Nervous, as usual. He’ll never fail to forget to call.

Later…

Dad just called. He sounds good. I told him what I wanted but I guess they’re sending me money instead.

I discussed the progress I’ve been making on my piano and told him the two things that were the most shocking. One, my getting the voice to sing and two, their being on my side.

I told him I pictured him being part of an interview someday where a guy says to my father, “She says she’s so glad she has enough money now so she can take you out to dinner.” I can just see the expression on my father’s face. Dad said it’ll come in time. He seems so sure of me.

Later…

Tammy just called. No one can give me a ride to Salem! I gotta go with Nervous! Shit! Damn! Fuck! Why do I always end up having to use that low-life scum? He’ll never shut up. He’ll get us killed or his car will break down. Well, just think, soon I’ll be moved and I’ll be through with him.

Andy better not call me when I’m sleeping or else!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1988 Yesterday I had a long day at Channel 57. I canceled my check-up so I could work longer but will reschedule after Turkey Day for sure.

Andy called and told me not to think he died but that he’s had company all weekend. A bunch of relatives are coming to see his sister and her baby. So he won’t be calling me till Monday.

Tammy also called to say that she wants me to get a ride down to her place on December 3rd for a Chanukah dinner, then stay overnight and celebrate my b-day the next day which will be a Sunday.

How? I don’t know if Philip will be able to get me down there. I’ll never ask Nervous but Tammy said to just use him for the ride and she’ll send him right back home afterward. I never want to have to use him to drive me anywhere and take the chance of getting killed or his car breaking down and I couldn’t stand to put up with him that long. He’ll never shut up and he’s a little pushy bastard!

She says she doesn’t know if Mom and Dad are even coming home this winter for the holidays and the store. She says she hasn’t heard one way or the other. It doesn’t look like they’ll be coming back until April. But then again, I thought I remembered Dad saying they would be here one time in the van as he was bringing me home from somewhere. Every other winter they’ve come in.

I changed the bedroom around to the way it was before I discovered this spider nest.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1988 I fell asleep very early last night but kept waking up for 3 reasons. One is that the phone kept ringing. Two is cuz I kept having to pee after taking my water pill. Three is I kept having these weird dreams.

Last night I had this really weird dream about Nervous. Apparently, in this dream, I owned my own home which had a basement and a first floor. I was in the basement which was a long room lined with small windows along a wall that was a little over my head. I was going through some old clothes when I heard a car and said to myself, That’s Nervous’s car. I know it is.

I turned off all the lights and stood behind some furniture in the center of the room and waited. Sure enough, I heard him shuffling through the grass and saw him walk up to the farthest window at the very end of the room where my stereo was. He just stood there and waited, no doubt hoping I’d come down to listen to my stereo.

Next thing I know he was in the cellar with me, the lights were on, and I was telling him I heard his car and saw him walk up to the window. He stood there laughing. Then there was a double-size bed near the stereo and I was lying on it starting to feel very sleepy and he was sitting on the other side of it. All of a sudden he had his arms around me and asked, “Is this wrong?”

I got up off the bed and said, “Yes, this is wrong. You sleep here and I’ll go upstairs to sleep in my bedroom. When you get up in the morning, wake me up and I’ll let you out.”

But then he started to get up off the bed and follow me and said, “Let’s talk.”

Then the phone rang and I said, “Who the fuck is that at this hour? You answer it.”

Later…

I called Dee to see if she could do my hair, and she said to come in at 11:00. I want it trimmed so that it’s one length, although I don’t think I look really terrible with my short hair layered. Maybe if I grew my hair long again I’d look too much like a little girl. I know I’ll definitely keep the front short with layered bangs, but I guess I do really miss my length and it’s gonna take me about 5 years to get it even and to the middle of my back.

I was thinking I may walk up to Shopper’s for my Femstat and have breakfast at the deli next door.

Later…

I just had my hair evened out and it looks really nice. I also bought this shampoo which she used to make my hair really soft.

I was also up at the deli where I got eggs and toast and some coffee. Tony, the cop I know, was there and as usual, he teased my ass like crazy.

Elizabeth is coming over tonight with envelopes for me to stuff.

I told Nervous last night to call me around 8:00 so he can take me food shopping.

I’ve got to tell Nervo about the dream I had last night. He should definitely get a kick out of it. Probably wish it could be true, too. Getting his arms around me, staying overnight.

I bought some more clothes from Goodwill. A bra, two pairs of sweatpants, pajamas and another nightie, which is so tiny and fits me perfectly.

By the way, speaking of the weight I lost, even Tony noticed it too. It’s a little scary in a way, though, cuz every summer I automatically lose 10-15 pounds. This summer I certainly can’t afford to lose one more pound! I’d be bones.

Mary Lou just called saying I needed to see Dr. Osborne Monday at 3:00 cuz I never saw Dr. Moshiri. That means I can’t see her and that sucks.

Also, I’m gonna write to Medicare about their crazy policy that the therapists can’t come to our homes. We have to go there which sucks cuz not everyone has a car and it’s not easy for the therapists either.

I just finished having a whole can of sardines, 10 pieces of bacon and a bagel with cream cheese.

Right now I must go call Elizabeth and ask her to please try to bring my paperwork earlier.

Later…

Tomorrow at 9:00 I have to go to Channel 57 to do the work I was supposed to do here at home. Elizabeth says she was having trouble with her printing machine. Also, Channel 57 voted me volunteer of the month, therefore I’m to have my picture in their magazine with a few paragraphs about me.

Tomorrow I also have to get a dental check-up at the Holyoke Mall. I would never ask Nervous to drive me with the sick way he drives, nor could I stand to have to put up with him that long.

Nervo may be calling soon. I don’t need or want him to take me to Food Mart.

I wonder where Sasha is. Must be hiding out sleeping either under the bed or under the couch or chairs in the living room. 95% of the time, though, she’s on the bed.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1988 If I don’t get to sleep I’ll never make it to my appointment in the morning. Also, at 2:30 I have to see a GYN. A male. I hate these painful exams!

There are so many things up in the air right now and so many questions. What will happen in court? What will happen with the dating service? What’s my future gonna be? What’s gonna happen if no other medication but the Navane will work?

Later…

Well, Nervous called me at 7:30 but I fell back asleep so I missed my appointment. I rescheduled it for Dec. 1st.

Hopefully tonight I’ll be going to Food Mart. I’ve been out of soda and milk and want to get some TV dinners. Also, I should get some light bulbs cuz I have no more and if the lamp in the bedroom burns out, then I’m stuck.

This afternoon at 2:30 I’m definitely going to my GYN appointment to take care of this yeast infection. I’ll walk there. They’re not too far from here. I’ll probably leave between 1:45 and 2:00.

I wonder if that gay taxi driver, Linda, is gonna call today? I never know if Maria will ever call. Why can’t she just be honest? Why she ever gave me her phone number totally baffles me. It even shocked Andy. Andy says Maria hasn’t even called Bev.

I’ve got a package of bacon in the refrigerator that I think I’m gonna go make up now, along with a bagel for breakfast.

Later…

Believe it or not, I just got a call from the school department. This woman wants me to come in for an interview for volunteer work. She says she’s not in need of an interpreter but would like to discuss the possibility of me doing something else. That’d be great. It’ll keep me busy. I hope. I hope it’s full-time. I’m going crazy just sitting here every day going nowhere but to doctors and doing errands.

I spoke to Mary C also. She was watching a movie on HBO and says her son William is sick and she just brought him home from the doctor’s.

She said she may take a drive over later. Yeah, sure. She damn well better plan on giving me back my black sweatpants she took the last time I saw her. Either way, she is going to return them and never again will she be allowed to borrow one single thing.

I think now I’m gonna take a walk to the store. I’m dying for some soda.

Later…

I took a bath and shaved, then I ran to the store for some soda and a hamburger.

In a little more than a half-hour from now, I’m gonna start walking over to Ridgewood Terrace for the crotch doctor which I dread. Another male touching my body. It’s so painful, too.

The mailman just came, but not with Gloria’s records I ordered, so I sent them back.

Some stupid Puerto Rican is outside honking its horn as usual. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. After growing up in beautiful areas, I miss it, and it’s time to move. That is for sure. When I move I won’t have to worry about leaving my doors open or anything. I highly doubt I will associate with Nervous when I move. I won’t need him and it wouldn’t be the greatest idea for him or for me. He’ll always be lonely with no woman and no friends and when I move, or possibly before, maybe he’ll realize why. He’s such a sad case. Que lastima.

Later…

I am at the doctor’s office now and the secretary seems kind and reassuring but I still hate to go through this shit.

It’s almost 3:00 but the doctor is running late as usual. Aren’t all doctors always late?

Mrs. Witherspoon from the 4th floor drove me here. I called for a taxi but it never came and the dispatcher couldn’t page Linda.

Later…

Well, the exam went ok and yes, as usual, I do have a yeast infection.

The dispatcher could never page Linda the gay driver so I got a different driver to go home. It cost me $2.

It seemed so dark all day. Even at 2:00. It’s not even 5:00 and it’s already just about pitch dark.

I hope Elizabeth will be willing to meet me at Montpelier St. tomorrow night a little earlier when she brings to me those envelopes she wants me to stuff. She’ll never be able to see me nor I see her if it’s too dark.

I hope Nervous calls soon. I do want to go to Food Mart. Never would I ask him to take me anywhere during the daytime. That’s when he’s always in his fucked-up mood and is so agitated and acts and talks like a two-year-old. I wonder why the daytime makes him more nervous. Several mornings ago he was extremely wound up but I’m quite sure that was cuz Fran had spent the night which he’s been dying to do. The first question out of his mouth when he called was, “Is monkey brain still there?”

I wouldn’t put it past him to come down to Norwich and say, “My car broke down. Can I stay the night?”

He’ll never get to stay the night, and if he comes to see me against my wishes I’ll kick his ass.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1988 Nervous brought Sasha back last night. I really missed her although I never thought I would. I just hope the inspector doesn’t decide to double-check. Unfortunately, Carabetta allows no pets. Which is stupid. What if they were animals? Would they like to be homeless and out on the streets?

Also last night, Andy came over to teach me more songs. I’ve learned Talk To Me completely now and he also showed me some of If I Were You. I know Sara completely but need to finish learning La Isla Bonita. I attempted today to learn the song Piano Man by myself from an old book I’ve had for ages but it sure isn’t easy. I’m sure I’ll get it someday soon, though.

Today Andy called, but the answering machine picked up his call cuz I was in the shower. I knew it was him right away by the way he was singing at the top of his lungs. He and I both are crazy.

Nervous will no doubt call later.

Today I went to see my new therapist Mary Lou. She was ok. Nothing bad, but nothing spectacular. I ran my mouth quite a bit to her and she says I’m interesting.

Also today I was looking to buy a denim mini skirt, size 14 in girls, but they didn’t have a fitting room so I never bought it.

Before going to see Mary Lou I had a few minutes to kill so I looked in Falcetti’s for a music book, but I didn’t like the way this Madonna book was written and they have a shitty music selection, so I bought nothing there either.

I’ve been tired all day and I think I need to go eat now.

Later…

Nervous called. He didn’t have much to say. Just the usual about how he’s so busy running around here, there and everywhere. According to him, he was looking in a music store in the Eastfield Mall where they sell Yamaha keyboards. I wonder why cuz I told him to forget about that and instead just give me $100 for my birthday and Chanukah so I can pay for my dating service. Both would be nice, but that’s a little too much to ask for and that’d surely leave him broke and he’d end up evicted again.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I have an appointment with my asthma doctor in which I’m gonna have a taxi driver, who’s gay, that I met over the phone drive me cuz there’s no bus stop near their new office. I’m curious to see what she looks like. Probably butchy. She sounds like it just from talking to her over the phone. She’s had a girlfriend for 5 years she said.

Yesterday morning I called Maria at the bank where she works cuz I couldn’t get a hold of her for quite a while, and as usual, she hasn’t called me. I can’t believe she ever even gave me her phone number. Neither can Andy. Well, anyway, she says maybe sometime this week we can go see a movie. Yeah, sure! Why can’t she just be honest?

Later…

I just got off the phone with Nervous and right now I’m on the phone with Andy.

Emily really pisses me off. She never calls and therefore I’ll be damned if I’m ever gonna call her again. She’s busy, she’s tired. That’s a lie. She’s got time for other people and places. Like her friends Maria and Sylvia. She totally ignored me when I went to see her up at Shopper’s. Especially when Sylvia came in, as I may’ve mentioned before. I’m not even gonna say goodbye when I move.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1988 I called the dating service and she really reassured me, although there are no guarantees, but time will tell.

Friday I got a promotion from Channel 57. Instead of answering phones I’m gonna be the office manager. My job will be to help other girls with any problems they may have, tally up pledges and enter them into a book.

Wednesday of next week, Elizabeth is gonna bring over some envelopes to stuff.

Unfortunately, everything’s closed today but I’ll be going up to Shopper’s Drug today to see Emily.

Earlier this morning I scrubbed the kitchen floor 3 times as it was filthier than filthy, sang a little, and I hope to hell the inspector comes tomorrow and that Nervous calls so he can bring the cat back.

Am I very sorry I reunited as friends with Nervo! He’s his same old self. Pitiful. The way he drove to New Britain scared the shit out of me and he got us lost as usual after saying he knew where to go. I think maybe he did that deliberately, hoping they’d tell me it was too late whenever I got there and to come back another time. That way he could spend the day with me again.

He freaked out yesterday morning on the phone no doubt cuz Fran was here overnight, and after I get Sasha back I don’t want to associate with him again. I have learned my lesson. It took some time but he is a male and that’s the way they all are. Sick.

Later…

I went up to see Emily and I want nothing more to do with her either. She totally ignored me but when her pal Sylvia came in she jumped for joy. She’s totally abandoned our friendship. Ever since last year. But she has other friends she sees and calls all the time but she never calls me. Maybe she’ll get the hint when she never receives any more phone calls from me.

Believe it or not, I just got Mary C’s number. Yes, she’s still married to John and says she’s got 8 more weeks and 6 days till she has another baby. She says it’s John’s but told me a long time ago he couldn’t make anymore cuz he had a vasectomy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t by cheating. She’s cheated on him numerous times in the past. That’s why it surprised me when they got married.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1988 Last night I took that medication again that Dr. Moshiri gave me and once again it put me right to sleep at 10:00. At 2:00 Andy called and I stayed up to reverse my schedule cuz yesterday I slept all day and never went to Channel 57. Today I have to go at 10:00, then at noon, I’m going to New Britain to that dating service. I have to be there at 1:00. But I couldn’t believe how that medication really calmed me down and took away all my anxiety.

Right now I have the hiccups.

Nervous bought me corrective tape cuz I typed him a business letter so I could easily erase any mistakes I made.

Yesterday morning I tried to call my sister but her line was busy for ages. I may call her tonight to tell her about today’s trip, but then again I don’t think she gives a damn. Oh well.

I called the doctor about my vaginal problem explaining I didn’t ever plan to have a relationship again with a male and that I preferred women and he said I shouldn’t even bother to do anything about the problem. He said not to force myself to do or be what I can’t. Do whatever’s natural for me and that’s being gay. I could never be straight and feel comfortable physically or mentally. Never. He’s right. He’s definitely got a point although I’d feel happier knowing that my problem was taken care of and it would surely help with everything else with a woman.

Nervous said he ran into Mary C and that she’s pregnant again. I’m not surprised, but it can’t be by John cuz she told me he supposedly had a vasectomy done. She’ll never make it with him cuz she has always cheated on him before, during and after their marriage and he’s a jerk. I never got her phone number but I don’t want it. She was never a friend. She only came over here when she wanted something.

I wish I could sleep now till 8:00 or 8:30 but I won’t chance it cuz I may never wake up and I must go to Channel 57!

Later…

I did stay up all night and right now I am at Channel 57 waiting for my boss Elizabeth who is still in a meeting.

After my work is done, and I sure as hell hope I get done before noon, I am going to New Britain.

Well, I am really very tired but I’d best ignore it cuz I have a long day ahead. I know I want to get something to eat either before my interview or right after. I’m starving! I’m so nerved up, too.

Andy says he’ll call me tonight and that he’ll be anxious to hear about how today will go. I’m quite curious myself about what will develop. Maybe not much. I think I’m dreaming an impossible dream which is something I seem to have done all my life and probably always will. All I get are jerks. Never can attract or hang onto the decent people.

I still don’t like the idea of spending the day with Nervioso. He’s a pain in the ass.

Later…

Sure enough, Nervous’s car did break down so he got a rental car and we are now heading for New Britain so my handwriting is awfully shaky.

Later…

Well, this place I went to definitely doesn’t seem like a rip-off but it is costly! $295, but to me, it’s worth it cuz as she agreed with me if you go to a bar all you’ll get is druggies and drunks who want one-night stands and may have aids. Also, I could put an ad in the Advocate for $35 and never know what I’m getting.

I filled out a personality questionnaire and discussed my hobbies, goals and interests and what attracts me sexually. All this info will be matched up with other woman’s info, and they will give me 3 people to meet that they feel are compatible with me.

I still have my fears and doubts, though. Will I ever find the right person? Someone who’ll attract me sexually like Gloria? If they’re the right person for me will they find me attractive? Will there be too many things wrong with the person? Will I get Miss Right and lose her cuz of my past or present problems?

Time will tell if this really is the answer or not. Another fear I have is what if the 3 women I meet are all wrong for me and I have to pay an additional $295 to meet 3 more? Can I cancel my membership when and if I find the right person? Will I have to pay a renewal fee? They weren’t very clear on all this.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1988 I am now at the Laundromat.

I have a busy week. Tomorrow I see Mary Lou at 2:15. Wednesday I work for Channel 57. Thursday I go out of town to New Britain. And last but not least, Friday I see Dr. Moshiri, who I shall bitch out from head to toe.

Sometime this week I’d like to do some gift shopping for the family and also get my hair trimmed and basically just evened out.

Can’t wait till Mom calls tonight, I have lots to tell her.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1988 Tomorrow morning I’m going to do laundry at Nervous’s rooming house. I told him to go get his breakfast while I’m doing it so he doesn’t bug me. He said ok.

Andy’s sister Marla flew in tonight from California with her 4-month-old son, so Andy was psyched.

I wonder when the hell I’ll ever move. Yes, I’ll miss people here in Springfield, but I really do want to hurry up and move so I can be near my sister and nieces. I sure hope I’m able to get a lucky break in music somehow, someway, with or without Tammy’s help.

I’ve got to get a much more positive attitude. I can’t give up my singing even if Tammy continues to think I’m hopeless or if I have a few failures. Being too negative so much is going to get me nowhere. It’s what I’ve always wanted. It’s time to be a doer, not a dreamer. It’s soon or never. I won’t settle for anything else. I love to sing and now have a voice I never thought I’d ever have.

I also really want to improve my piano, guitar and Spanish by studying more and practicing my ass off. No more being so lazy.

Nervous said he’s looking for a portable organ like Andy’s which I love to death, but it may be just too expensive and I surely don’t want to see him get evicted again. I’m dying for one, though.

I was supposed to call yesterday for an appointment today to have gotten my hair evened out but now I’ll have to wait till Tuesday. They’re closed Sundays and Mondays.

Monday night is when Ma calls. Also Monday I’ll have to call La Baron. They sent me a bill for $1,068 and I’m not paying a dime. They never should’ve let me into school without approving my application for financial aid first. I’ll also call the people I filled out the application with. They’re also responsible. She was supposed to have contacted me and it looks like I may have to take them to court and hopefully sue them for the $561 that I paid to get into Mansfield for my manicuring course. They should definitely pay me.

Also Nervous is taking me to New Britain, CT to a service for gay women to meet other gay women. I just hope his car doesn’t break down in the middle of the highway or I’ll die.

Later…

I am still wide awake. I just did some reading and before that, I played my keyboard and guitar.

I ordered Gloria’s two Spanish albums Rio and Otro Vez.

Today, if I don’t sleep all day, I’m gonna do laundry, but if I do I can always do it later on tonight.

I called Fran’s old foster father and left a message for him to call me. I haven’t seen him in ages. Why is it that he only comes to visit once in a lifetime? Last time was when he bought the TV from me.

Rather than go to Johnson’s maybe I should go to McRory’s in the Eastfield Mall across from my mom’s store. It’s bigger, better and much cheaper and they have everything. I’m almost positive I’d find some really nice things there for the kids and some nice things for everyone else.

Sometimes I wonder if I should call about getting my vaginismus cured cuz it would make me happy and maybe it’s just a waste of time being gay, even if it’s not a choice.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1988 I’m cooking a piece of lamb. Actually, before that, I just walked in. I had been out with Andy.

I slept all day today and never got my laundry done. Never called Channel 57 or mailed this letter I wrote to someone, but Nervous is mailing it. He was over earlier and we had a nice chat.

Before 6:00 Cecelia came over. We had a nice chat too in ASL and I did tell her I was moving. She said hopefully she could come to visit me.

Anna next door woke me up at 2:00 this afternoon to ask me about a phone call she got very early this morning from some girl who knew her name was Anna, and I guess used my name, by asking her if she knew me, but Anna hung up saying, “I don’t know who you are.”

I know nothing about it, I told her.

I spoke to Nervous today who may know of someone to take Sasha. Also, I spoke to Andy who should be calling any second.

Earlier I fell asleep and dreamt that my mother sent me puppies in the mail. Weird, huh?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1988 The stupid males in court today want desperately to waste my time and so this case is being brought before a jury of 6 and then possibly to trial. Either way, I’m sure it’ll be dismissed and by the time the final court date comes up I’ll be moved and they can have a default warrant out for me for the rest of my life, cuz what are my chances of being picked up if I were to come to Springfield for a day or two? None. And how many cops know me by face and name? Maybe 3 cops, and it’s very unlikely that we’ll run into each other.

Today I also confronted Pig Corcoran, or whatever the fuck his name really is, with the sexually harassing phone calls I got and asked him if he knew anything about it and he said no and that he wouldn’t do that. Yeah, sure. Quite a coincidence don’t you think? I know it was him or somebody he put up to it.

I called that gay dating service for women, and according to them, their nearest offices are either Framingham, MA or Great Britain, CT. No way to get there by bus or by anyone else. Tammy says they’re a total rip-off. She said she went through a Jewish dating service to find Bill cuz she wanted her children raised as Jews. But to me what you are is what you are, and I don’t believe in that or religion. People are people are people.

Tammy said to place an ad in the personals section of the Advocate but to get a PO box address. I may someday if nothing else works.

Guess what? This will come as a surprise to you as it did to me but I called Maria at work explaining that I knew and realized that I did wrong, and wanted her to understand and to feel free to confront me with any problems rather than to be scared and run away, and that once the problem is discussed, I would never make the same mistake again. I try not to anyway. So she said it was that I was too forward and scared her away and I then explained to her that when you’re alone so much and you get an opportunity to talk, you talk. I said that maybe I threw up my past in her face out of fear and that rather than be too shy I was trying to make friendly conversation for our first visit, and I also didn’t want to seem rude by ignoring her questions. She did seem to understand fully and mentioned my trusting her enough the first time we met to take her home with me and I said that I learned to tell the good ones from the bad ones and told her about Mary D, who attempted to attack me for prank calling her. She said that was awful and seemed to understand why I crawled into this little shell.

The sicko (Mary) came over for her record and started trashing the place before she turned on me, knocked me down, then ran.

I also told her what I heard about Bev and that I heard she wanted Bev, and she denied it saying her lips were sealed and she wouldn’t repeat any of it to Bev. I told this to Andy who got pissed at me fearing there was a good 98% chance that Maria would definitely go to Bev and that Bev would go to Andy all pissed off. I did not realize at the time that what I said could be harmful but to me, it is a test of trust and honesty.

Maria told me that she doesn’t have many friends herself and sometimes needs someone to talk to and would like to go to the movies or the mall and that when I called her at work upset about the barrette she was about to apologize and explain why she couldn’t come over, but I didn’t give her a chance and hung up, assuming she didn’t care, and I explained she was right cuz of past experience.

Andy, however, does believe that she wants Bev and that she put a hickey on Bev’s neck, though Maria denied it, saying she didn’t know Bev well, didn’t see much of her and has only known her for 6 months. Well, time will tell whether she’s a liar or she is honest.

The thing she did that really shocked me the most was give me her phone number. I told her I was so sorry for calling her at work, her place of business and she said not to worry about it at all and that if I had a problem to call her at work or home. She told me she usually gets home after 6 PM on weekdays. I certainly am not going to bug her or burden her in any way but in the long run, I still believe this will never be a sexual relationship and that she is still young and unaware of her sexuality. Bev, boyfriend, or not, she just wants to be strictly friends and that’s ok. Better than nothing.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1988 I’ve been up all night cuz I was afraid to go to sleep and not hear the alarm in time to go to court today for the little macho bully male pig.

I slept all night yesterday plus all day due to that fucking medication the shrink gave me.

I’m reading a book about people with sexual dysfunctions who go into therapy and use sex surrogates to cure their problems and I have decided to seek help for the problem I have where it’s too painful for a male to penetrate me which I read is called vaginismus caused by an obstruction or the walls of the vagina involuntarily tightening. I believe it would make me happier to solve the problem, and yes, I do sometimes wish I were straight and could marry a great guy and have a baby but it all goes back to my not being attracted to men. Yet I’d probably get an ugly female and I still believe that male or female I’d only get an asshole, and 98% of the males are assholes, so it’s mostly women that have assholes or are going to get them, not just me.

I know they don’t use sex surrogates here in Springfield. Most places don’t cuz they consider it prostitution, although I think in some cases, such as mine, it’s very helpful. I hope they can help me by just talking to me, but if I’m stupid enough to fall for a male, what if they rape me or beat me or steal from me or are like Ron, Nervous or Al? That’s all I get. What if I got another woman like Mary? I’ll never get a woman like Gloria. Never.

But I also decided that today I just might call that dating service for gay women called Woman To Woman. I hope I can afford it and if they give me a decent woman and I lose her or they give me a jerk, I want my money back.

[troglobite]

alsdkfjalkdsj

so maintenance guy showed up half an hour ago. not related to our floors, but routine maintenance check on our hvac system.

my mom, as w everyone who enters the house, asks him to wear a mask.

he puts it on outside on the porch then comes in.

gets all the way down our hallway and says in the loudest voice

"i am just getting over being sick. don't know if it was covid. is the mask enough, or should i have the office reschedule with someone else?"

anyway so part of what he would have to do is climb inside my mom's closet (which, seriously, bring your own fucking mask, dude, it's NARSTY up there in the crawlspace, fiberglass EVERYWHERE) so my mom said yes please reschedule

air purifier situated and turned up on high

lysol sprayed, surfaces wiped

and i manage to find an old mask in my room so i put that on and put my own air purifier in my room next to my door.

but i am So Fucking Tired and have not gotten enough sleep but i'm just like 🙃

thank fucking FUCK that he was honest and said something

because i think i would've deliberately committed various crimes if either one of us had gotten sick because of him

anyway this is why you ask people to wear a mask in your home. bc not all of them are going to be considerate like this guy (who really should've said something out on the porch, but he was only inside for like 45 seconds, and he had the mask on, so)

and while kn95s and n95s etc are VERY effective, you can't prevent gapping or make sure they're wearing it right and they could be actively contagious

also just. absolutely wild. to be Sick at this moment in time and not check and see if it's covid.

but our govt has downplayed it and made it harder to get tested and so they don't know that you're gonna need records of positive covid tests if you're gonna have a fighting chance at getting a long covid diagnosis or any other thing.

anyway.

i've just been sitting here in my n95 w my air purifier in front of my door, afraid to leave my room, and i'm on so fucking little sleep i need to get back to sleep

oh and of course the dream i was having before i woke up?

involved being in a mall shopping for shoes and other things but i realized i wasn't wearing a mask and the place was fucking packed so i started panicking

i had made it out to a parking lot, in my dream, before i woke up because my mom was running around before the hvac guy got here.

then he got here.

then that^^ happened.

here we are. //sigh

the frequency with which i have dreams where i'm some packed public place, and the first step towards me waking up is realizing i'm not wearing a mask and neither is anyone else in my dream. alskdjflaksd fhfiauhglasdfj fucking. hell.

[thisiswash]

letting me become an adult was a mistake all i am is a child who knows math now

[navalcriminalimagines]

Lost self confidence

Anon: Can I request a lil one-shot where y/n has been on the team for a while and she put on some weight/starts feeling insecure about it and Gibbs helps her feel better? :> If not it's okay (Preferably a lot of fluff, angst & smut up to you)

Anon: Can I ask for a plus sized reader and gibbs please? I never see them :( Maybe someone says something about her weight when theyre working a case or something and he does the gibbs-legendary-elevator-conversation??? OuO

I thought those two requests work well together. Enjoy, lovely anons! ❤️

Warnings: punch, mention of blood, hurtful comments about weight

Tags: @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @madamsnape921 @specialagentastra

~~~~~

Your body changed. A lot. More than you like to admit.

You have been avoiding mirrors for a while now, but as you stand in front of it right now, only dressed in underwear, you have to face it. Your body changed and you don’t like it. Actually, you hate it.

As you look at your stomach that used to be flat, your hips that are larger, the celulitis… you can’t help but to think it’s no wonder you’re alone. Who could you attract, looking like this? Not many people and definitely not the man you wish you had. He has probably noticed how your body is different. Maybe before, you stood a chance with the man but not anymore. It’s a lost cause.

You put some clothes on and left for work.

You and your team are working on a tricky case, you are not impatient to get into the office today. But as always, you put on your best smile and pretend that everything is okay. Even though it’s most definitely not.

You skipped breakfast this morning - on purpose - but when you sit at your desk, you can see a brown bag sitting there. You look inside; donuts. Not just regular donuts, but your two favorites.

“Gibbs’s treat.” Tony lets you know.

“What’s the occasion?” you casually answer, putting the bag aside. It’s definitely a bad idea to eat them.

“No occasion. You’re just his favorite,”

You can’t help but smile at this. Not that it’s true, but it feels nice anyway. Before, you would have been happy about your boss’s attention, but not today. “Aren’t you going to eat them?”

“I’m not hungry. Do you want them?”

Tony grabs the bag before you know it. At least, you won’t have to throw them away.

You put yourself into work quickly after. You need to take your mind off your insecurities and how bad you feel about yourself. Tony tries to make casual conversation, just being his old self but as you barely answer, he realizes that something’s wrong with you. He just doesn’t know what.

“You’re staring.” You say to him, without looking up from your computer screen.

“You’re in a bad mood.” He states.

“Am not.”

“Y/N, please.” He stands up from his desk and walks up to yours. “I’m a trained investigator. Talk to me.”

“Not a chance.” You keep working, avoiding eye contact. You’re scared that he may read into you, or worse; that you may cry if he starts to ask too many questions.

“Did Gibbs get the order wrong?” He jokes. He doesn’t mean wrong at all, but it sets you off.

“Just-- leave me alone, DiNozzo.”

You practically jump for your chair, grab your laptop and walk away from the bullpen, leaving your coworker in awe. He’s not sure what just happened, but he’s more convinced that something’s really not okay with you.

You spend the next two hours hiding in the conference room. You didn’t work much, you mostly cried and felt sorry for yourself. You really hate yourself and your body right now. It’s not about gaining some weight, it’s also about how lonely you feel. You love your team more than anything, they really are like your family but when you get home at night, it’s just you. You and your thoughts. You and your loneliness.

You just want someone to get home to. Someone to cuddle, someone to love and who loves you back, someone to fall asleep with. Just someone.

You had your face buried in your arms when you heard the door opening. You look up, ashamed. Gibbs is standing here.

He closes the door behind him and walks to you. “You okay, Y/N?” he softly asks.

“Y-yeah. Just a bit tired.”

“You know, if DiNozzo pissed you off, you can tell me.”

You chuckle. “Nah, it’s nothing he did. I guess I got up on the wrong foot this morning, that’s it.”

Gibbs did let it go - for now - but you knew he didn’t buy any of it.

That is later's concern though, there is some news on the case and you need to get going. The afternoon went better; your mind was focused on the case, you didn’t have time to think of the rest. It’s only when you get back home that it hits again. Before taking a shower, you put a sheet on the big mirror in your bedroom. You don’t want to face your reflection for now.

*****

The next morning, you are in a better mood. Not entirely, you still skipped breakfast and avoided all the mirrors but you made a decision: you won’t let the team know. You won’t let them see you’re going through a tough time. It would only make things worse.

Everything’s going okay until that stupid lawyer shows up. You never wanted to see him again after hooking up with him over a year ago. He seemed nice and good looking, he flirted with you the whole time he was in the office, so when he invited you for a drink, you said yes.

Your agreement had something to do with Gibbs’s flirting with that shrink but to this day, you keep telling yourself that it hadn’t.

After a few drinks, you let the lawyer kiss you and before you knew it, you took him home and you had a one night stand.

The sex wasn’t the problem, you actually had a lot of fun. The problem was the next day.

He was gone before you woke up - still not a problem. But when Gibbs yelled at you for giving him some private information, you understood your mistake. The man had used you. While you were sleeping, he looked into your files and found the information he needed to save his client’s butt.

After that, Gibbs gave you the silent treatment for weeks. And he stopped being mad at you after you came to see him in his basement and did your mea culpa. No one ever talked about it since.

But now, the same man is standing in the middle of the bullpen. You growled to yourself before going in.

You don’t greet him at all, just sit at your desk. “Y/N? That’s you?” he says, apparently shocked.

You look at him briefly and don’t answer.

“My god, what happened to you?” he adds.

“Excuse you?” you snap.

“God, if you had been looking like this last year, I wouldn’t have been able to use you.”

His sentence feels like a punch in your stomach, it hurts. But it shouldn’t and you know it. But it still does. You stay there a moment, not knowing if you want to cry and beat the crap out of him. Probably both at the same, but you don’t move or don’t say a thing, you’re like frozen. You barely don’t notice when Gibbs pushes the man towards the elevator.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” Ziva asks.

In the elevator

“Overprotective much, Gibbs?” the lawyer tries to appear confident and unafraid. He has his back against the wall, and in a second, he can hear Gibbs’s fist hitting a few inches away from his head. If the fist had touched his nose, he probably would have needed plastic surgery.

“Ever in your life, you disrespect a woman like that again, and especially--especially not Y/N.”

The lawyer made many people angry over the years, but never had he seen a man as angry as Gibbs looks right now.

“The only reason my hand is in this wall and not your face right now, is because she wouldn’t want me to get in trouble, but trust me when I say that all I want to do right now is to shoot you right in your precious parts.”

Gibbs is panting from anger. He can’t remember the last time he said that many words at once. But there’s no way that he or anyone else can disrespect you like this. Never, under his watch.

“So I’m gonna be very clear, you give that case to someone else. I don’t give a shit who, you just do it. And I don’t ever want to see your face again. Cause if I do, you’ll be so disfigured, you won’t be able to get another woman. Ever.”

“I could sue you for those threats, Special Agent Gibbs.”

“Are you planning to?”

“Maybe I am.”

“Well, in that case--”

This time, Gibbs’s fist hit the nose.

Meanwhile, in the bullpen

“Are you okay, Y/N?” Ziva asks.

“Yeah-yeah,” you clearly lie as your eyes are watering.

Your coworker isn’t buying it. She takes a step forward and hugs you softly. “Please, don’t let him get to you.” she whispers in your ear. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

Those words make you cry. You are not really buying them, but it does something to hear them. And you know deep inside that Ziva wouldn’t say something she doesn’t think.

As she keeps hugging, you can feel someone else’s arms wrapping around both of you. It’s Tony and shortly after, Tim is joining. “I think we should call Ducky. We’re going to have a crime scene.” Tony jokes to light the mood.

“I don’t want Gibbs to put himself in trouble for me.” you sadly say.

“Y/N, if Gibbs hadn’t taken him in the elevator, we would all have jumped on him.” Tim tells you. Which surprises you because Tim is the one to avoid a fight as much as he can.

“Also, the only reason I’m not asking you out is because of Rule 12.”

You are about to answer to Tony when you can hear the elevator’s doors opening. You let go of one another and watch Gibbs as he comes back to you and takes you by the hand. “Someone may have to call 911.” he tells the rest of the team.

Gibbs takes you to the other elevator, the one that leads to the lower floors, where Abby’s lab and Autopsy are. But of course, he switches the button as soon as the doors close. He doesn’t say a thing, he just hugs you tight. “Your hand is blue, Gibbs.” you cry in his neck.

“Yeah and his nose is red, who cares.” he kisses your hair. “I don’t want you to cry because of him, Y/N. And especially not because of what he said.”

“But Gibbs--”

“Not ‘but’, Y/N. Look at me.” he softly grabs your chin with his non-injured hand and forces you to look into his eyes. “You may not believe me right now, but you’re beautiful, Y/N. Sexy. Hot.” you uncontrollably shake your head, not buying a word he says. “I know I’m not the best with words, so I’ll let my actions speak.”

Gibbs ducks his head just a bit and closes the gap between his lips and yours. He softly kisses. You probably have never been kissed this softly before. Gibbs is so gentle and tender, his lips move slowly but expertedly. You’re literally melting under him.

The kiss may have lasted for minutes, hours, you don’t really know. You lost track of time, as if the world had stopped spinning.

“I’m sorry I waited for something like this to happen to do it. I’ve wanted this for a very long time, Y/N.”

“Me, too, Gibbs. But I’m not sure that’s the best time. I’ve lost all self confidence and--”

He kisses you again, undoubtedly to make you shut up. “I’ll help you find it again. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

You rest your forehead against his, some tears are still rolling down your cheeks. “You’re not bad with words.”

“I’m still better with touch.”

[tennessoui]

hi all of your aus are amazing! pls what happens with divorced!obiwan and the twins?

hey!! sorry this took so long i had to think of an appropriate cliffhanger

this is a continuation of this ficlet and this ficlet, where divorced!obi-wan accidentally acquires a partner and a set of twins.

(2k WHOOPS)

The twins are not, and probably have never been described by anyone except their father, angels. They take to Obi-Wan as well as Obi-Wan takes to them, which is to say that all three of them watch each other suspiciously until one day Luke launches himself off the top of the fridge--how the fuck did he manage to get up there--and Obi-Wan drops his morning toast in a frantic bid to catch him.

After that, Leia and Luke apparently decide he is Another Anakin Who Is Just Around A Lot Less But Is Better At Reading Bedtime Stories and deign to treat him as such.

Obi-Wan decides that he’s going to have a heart attack by the age of fifty. Do all children see a childproof house as a challenge?

It somehow takes both a longer and shorter time to win over Anakin’s favor, mostly because Obi-Wan isn’t sure what the man’s thinking at any given moment. He seems to blow hot and cold depending on how he woke up or how the work day goes. Some days, Obi-Wan comes home from campus and Anakin and the twins have waited to eat until he’s there. Sometimes they’ve eaten and there’s a meal under foil on the stove just for Obi-Wan.

(“I don’t know how you do it,” Obi-Wan tells him one night after the children are put to bed. “I mean, work from home with your job, mind the children, and cook?”

“They made me head of the R&D department a few months ago,” Anakin admits, taking a sip of his second glass of wine. “So I’m doing a lot more checking through other people’s work instead of making my own. It just means I can do that and make something edible--no, really, you just can’t cook, Obi-Wan, I’m not the best either.”

“Do you miss getting to make something other than food?” Obi-Wan asks eventually, giving himself enough time to recover from the sound of the other’s giggles.

Anakin shrugs languidly. “It’s better salary, and I’m the youngest ever in the company to have the position. Means I’ll pay off my student loans quicker, same with my mom’s hospital bills. Doesn’t matter what I want.”

Obi-Wan’s chest hurts and he wants to lean across the gap between their chairs and place his hand on Anakin’s arm, but they don’t know each other like that. It’s only been a month and a half since they moved in. Still. “It always matters what you want,” he insists. “And I think you’re amazing.”

Anakin blushes bright scarlet and takes a huge gulp of wine, and Obi-Wan wonders if this is a throwing-yourself-off-the-fridge break through.)

(It’s not because the next day, Anakin doesn’t say a single word to him, which bothers him more than he’d like to admit.)

(“Am I in the wrong for wanting to get along with my housemate?” Obi-Wan asks Quinlan despairingly during their office hours that he should be using to grade papers. Instead all he can think about is Anakin Skywalker and the goddamn cold shoulder he’s been getting from the man for the past three days.

“Yeah,” Quin says absentmindedly, marking something with a red pen before looking up at Obi-Wan’s outraged intake of breath. “I mean, no. I mean, sorry, Obi, what are we even talking about now? Is it still your hot new roommate with the two kids? Because that’s what we were talking about an hour and a half ago.”

Obi-Wan crosses his arms and leans back in his chair. “I’m just not sure I appreciate--”

“And you said he’s not been hanging around in the living room when you get home? But he’s still leaving you meals in the kitchen? And you’re upset about the free food?”

Obi-Wan is upset at the lack of Anakin’s presence, but he thinks that’s probably not the right thing to say here.

“Maybe he’s just tired?” Quinlan puts down his pen and rests his chin on one of his hands as he looks at Obi-Wan. “From the kids and the job and putting up with your moody ass. C’mon, Obi, what’s really getting you worked up?”

Obi-Wan purses his lips and stares at the desk in front of him, but he had come to Quinlan for help. He should at least be honest about what’s eating at him, even though he knows how silly it will sound when given a voice. “...Satine always waited up for me,” he mutters. “Until she didn’t.”

Quinlan’s quiet for a worryingly large amount of seconds, before he reaches out to pat Obi-Wan gently on the arm. “Oh, Obi,” he says pityingly. “Repeat after me. You cannot make your new roommate your rebound from your thirty year marriage.”

Obi-Wan scoffs. That’s not the problem at all. “That’s not the problem at all,” he says, not defensively in the slightest. “I think I’m just worried about the children not having enough structure in their lives.”

“Right,” Quinlan says, not quite managing to hide the skepticism in his voice. “Then you should talk to him. For the sake of the children.”

Obi-Wan will absolutely not be doing that, but it’s a nice thought.)

The real turning point in Anakin and Obi-Wan’s relationship happens five months after the Skywalkers move in.

Anakin and Obi-Wan are in the living room. Anakin is trying to braid Leia’s hair while Obi-Wan tries to pretend he isn’t watching. From the kitchen, there’s a very, very loud crash and the sound of something shattering.

Both adults leap up from their seats immediately and run to the other room.

Luke is standing in the epi-center of disaster, little face scrunched up like he doesn’t know whether or not to cry. At the sight of his dad and Obi-Wan, he starts to wail, moving forward and reaching for Anakin.

Obi-Wan, who is wearing shoes inside the house (a point of contention between himself and Anakin), grabs Luke roughly and picks him up by the armpits before he can cut his feet on the glass. He hands him over to Anakin to soothe, stepping further into the kitchen to find the dustpan he keeps in one of the pantries.

It’s very obvious what broke, though Obi-Wan can’t for the life of him understand how Luke got ahold of Satine’s heavy cake stand. He can definitely understand how Luke dropped it, as the thing was ridiculously heavy.

It had been one of the only things left in the house that had been Satine’s. She’d left it, and Obi-Wan had been too bitter or petty to point it out to her. Yes, it had been her mother’s. No, keeping it had not made him feel any better. But it’s not like Satine ever baked anything anyway.

Good for Luke, actually, for doing what Obi-Wan never could bring himself to do.

He grabs the broom and dustpan and marches back to the pieces of shattered glass. Anakin has placed Luke on the counter, ostensibly to check to make sure his feet are fine if the boy would ever let go of his father’s neck. Leia is peering around at the mess on the floor.

When Obi-Wan comes back and starts sweeping everything away, she darts forward to pick up a rather sizeable chunk.

“Don’t touch that,” Obi-Wan says sharply, much harsher than he intended. Leia drops it instantly and scurries back to her father, eyes wide and sort of watery. Oh, fuck.

“Hey,” Anakin snaps immediately. “She’s just trying to help and Luke didn’t mean to break--whatever that is.”

Obi-Wan holds up his hand to cut Anakin off. “I’m not mad,” he promises all three of the Skywalkers. And he’s not even lying. He’s really not mad, hasn’t even thought to be mad at this last piece of proof of his relationship with Satine shattering on his kitchen floor. “I just don’t want either of you to cut yourself. Glass like this can be very dangerous and none of you are wearing shoes.”

“Promise?” Luke asks, untucking his red face from Anakin’s neck so he can peer up at Obi-Wan.

“I’m sorry I was a bit rough,” Obi-Wan apologizes, coming over and bending down a bit so he’s on the same level as Luke. “I was just worried about you. Promise.”

Luke sniffles but lets go of Anakin to throw himself at Obi-Wan, apologizing all the way.

“Hush,” Obi-Wan says as Leia scrambles up his leg, vying for his attention. With his hands full of children that aren’t his, he raises his head to look at Anakin who’s watching them with a very strange expression on his face. He tilts his head toward the broom and then down to the kids in his arms. “Come along,” he tells them both. “Leia, I’ll finish your braids if you’d like.”

“Braid my hair too!” Luke demands with a pull on Obi-Wan’s shirt.

Luke’s hair is floppy but awfully short. “I’m sure we can figure something out,” Obi-Wan says generously, leaving the kitchen.

“I suppose I’ll just clean this up then?” Anakin calls sarcastically behind them.

“Thank you, darling,” Obi-Wan responds.

There’s the sound of something else breaking, but it’s not Obi-Wan’s problem at the moment.

(A year later, Anakin mentions something over morning coffee about looking for a new apartment, now that he’s got everything straightened out. “We’ll get out of your hair,” he says, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I’ll look today since it’s my day off.”

Obi-Wan doesn’t want to examine why that idea makes something curl tightly in his stomach, making him feel vaguely nauseous, but it does. On his way out of the house, he unplugs the router, and then after a second of thought, takes it with him just in case.)

(Quinlan laughs his head off when Obi-Wan sheepishly puts the router down on the desk in front of him. “It’s a bad market right now,” Obi-Wan says defensively. “I’m just looking out for him.”

“Obi, I mean this in the best way possible, but there are at least four professors in the psych department that would probably love to do a case study on you.”)

(Two years after the Skywalkers move in, Obi-Wan is running late for a meeting with the head of his department. The man is stepping down, finally retiring, and Obi-Wan thinks that perhaps he’ll be tapped as the new head. It would mean dropping some of his classes, but it would be worth it.

“I made you a breakfast wrap,” Anakin greets him at the door, holding out a paper bag. “It’s got that salsa you like in it.”

The salsa Obi-Wan likes is the mild version of what Anakin and the kids eat, but Anakin treats it as if it’s from another planet entirely.

“Good luck!” he says with a sweet smile, also passing Obi-Wan a travel mug of what’s hopefully fully caffeinated tea. Obviously Obi-Wan needs it. He got perhaps two full hours of sleep last night, tossing and turning and thinking about this meeting and now he’s running late and his tie is crooked and none of his favorite sweater vests were clean.

“Thank you, dear one,” Obi-Wan mumbles, mind somewhere else. If traffic isn’t too bad, he could still be on time.

“Text me how it goes!” Anakin chirps, following Obi-Wan out the door to stand on the front porch with his arms crossed in an attempt to fight off the early winter chill.

“Yes, of course,” Obi-Wan replies, turning around to brush an absent-minded kiss to Anakin’s lips before hurrying to his car. It’s a twenty minute commute. If he gets his preferred parking spot and runs to the department building, he won’t be late at all.

Is that too much to hope for?

He starts the car and pulls out of the driveway, looking back in the rearview mirror to see Anakin standing frozen on the porch. That’s strange, usually the other man can’t stand being out in the cold.

Obi-Wan gets to the first stop-sign out of the neighborhood before he realizes what he’s done. It’s lucky that he’s already slowing down, because he slams on the brakes. Did he--

Did he kiss Anakin? Did he really kiss Anakin as if he does it all the time? As if they were in a relationship?

Oh shit.

Frantically, he pulls out his cellphone from his bag and checks to see if he has any new messages. He doesn’t.

Oh. Shit.

[imjusttpeachy]

the early bird gets the panini (c.h.)

well this is quite the change of pace isn’t it. lmao i figured u guys needed a break from the crying so here’s... whatever this is

thank u all new followers!! u jus made a big mistake💞🦋

u guys should search up “my very real collab with 50 cent” by corpse if you haven’t heard it yet, i ascended the first time i listened lmaoooo

playlist

the wombats - greek tragedy

aminé - heebiejeebies

free nationals - beauty and essex

the marías- let my baby stay

summary: Corpse interrupts the reader’s morning livestream after she left him alone in bed that morning. Fluff and fuckery ensues.

word count: 2, 326

WARNINGS: she/her pronouns, coarse language

>>>

“Okay, Tom Nook is the most bitch-ass motherfucker I’ve ever met. I could fold him like a panini with a slap I swear to god.”

Mornings were definitely one of your favourite times to stream. Of course, you loved staying up into the early hours of the morning only kept awake by the energy drinks running through your veins and the screaming of your friends over your headset, but nothing could beat the sweet simplicity of waking up with your watchers. It was always so calm, your anxiety levels at a low with the small audience building up slowly as more of them woke up. Reading those good morning messages saying that you helped to start their day off on a good foot— nothing would beat that.

The only downside to these scheduled morning streams was having to tear yourself away from the cozy warmth of your bed, especially if there was a certain someone blanketed over you silently persuading you to stay there forever. It was always a rare sight, bruised eyes sealed shut, long eyelashes kissing pale cheeks as small snores escaped from slightly parted lips. Glancing down at the messy black mop that rested on top of your chest, you sighed softly. You knew he’d only been asleep for a few hours, if that, thinking back to the night before where you crawled into bed alone after kissing him goodnight before leaving him to finish editing for his latest video. He worked too hard, but despite you reminding him this every single time he stayed up into the dark hours of the night to finish his work, he always never seemed to be satisfied. Most of the time you were able to coax him from the stuffy confines of his gaming office, bribing him with sweet kisses and promises of cuddles; when he was in the zone, though, nothing could steer his sore eyes away from the monitor. So with a sweet kiss goodnight, you’d make your way to the bedroom, falling asleep to the faint click-clacks of his keyboard.

It was funny how different you were in that aspect. You always loved mornings, the sun shining through the blinds always brought a smile to your face holding the promise of a bright day ahead. It felt good to never be in a rush, to enjoy the still air, and watch the world around you wake up as people settled into their daily routines. The day’s chaos always seemed to leak through into the dark of the night, but in the morning everything felt new and refreshed; the perfect new beginning to another chapter in the story of your life. Though, allowing yourself the guilty pleasure of staying in bed tangled together with your favourite person every so often wouldn’t hurt anyone.

Okay, maybe it was almost every day.

But who could say no when those strong arms encased you so perfectly, holding you so close you couldn’t figure out where you ended and where he started? Who could say no to his warm skin pressed against your own, the weight of his body grounding you as you pulled yourself from the darkness of sleep? Who could say no to being able to study his face up close, running your fingertip ever so lightly along the curve of his jaw, the bridge of his nose, the apples of his cheekbones, watching his eyelids flutter as he stirred softly in his sleep? Who could say no to the pillow talk you shared once those pretty eyes opened, the deep grumble of his morning voice that prickled goosebumps over your skin as he muttered those 3 sweet little words?

Definitely not you.

Well, not often anyway.

Reluctantly pulling your gaze away from the sweet face resting on your chest, you glanced over to the alarm clock on the nightstand. Red numbers reading 9:37 AM that seemed to be glaring back at you pushed any thought of indulging in your morning pleasures straight from your mind. You’d need to be live in 20 minutes. Puffing another sigh from your lips you slowly worked your way out from underneath your personal weighted blanket, trying your best to maneuver him softly onto the pillows to not wake him. Of course, you’d never be that lucky. Hissing through your teeth as your feet hit the icy top of the hardwood floor, you whipped your head around as a warm hand encased your wrist in a loose grip. Beneath messy bed head that could barely be seen from underneath the comforter that you had pulled back on top of him, you see the glimpse of tired eyes clouded with confusion peering out from underneath.

“Angel?” The deep grumble muttered underneath his breath almost made you throw all your plans to the wind and crawl right back into the fluffy clouds you longed to once again get lost in. Huffing out a sigh you slowly turned around, pulling your hand from his grasp only to bury it in the dark locks buried among the pillows. You leaned down softly, pushing your hands through his hair to reveal soft pleading eyes staring back at you, doing nothing but making your heart ache for having to leave so soon. Trancing your thumb along his eyebrow to try and smooth the small furrow that had made its home between them, you sighed softly.

“It’s Thursday, gotta stream puppy.” You watched as a small flash of recognition passed across his bleary eyes, a puff escaping his lips from under the comforter as you watched his chest fall slightly. Pulling his head up from the comforter, you smiled as you felt chapped lips press a small kiss to the inside of your wrist in understanding. Allowing yourself a bit of fun you leaned down pressing your lips to his briefly, giggling softly as a whine escaped his mouth as you pulled away. “Promise I won’t be long, I’ll be back before you even have time to miss me.”

“Too late for that.”

>>>

Smiling as you glanced up at your monitor that held your live chat, you watched as your viewers lost it with your threat to an animated shopkeeper. Times like this are what remind you of how grateful you are to your subscribers, they were practically family at this point and you felt you couldn’t be luckier to have such genuine, warm-hearted people that wanted to watch; even when you were cussing out characters that did nothing to you. You were laughing as you read some of the chat replies out loud when you saw your phone light up with a text from where it was sitting on your desk. Excusing yourself for a moment from the stream you grabbed your phone seeing a message from Corpse. 

Corpsie💞💞: did you order coffee? someone knocked on the door and there’s a paper bag on the step

Cursing to yourself quietly for forgetting, you answered him quickly saying that you just needed to cut to a break on stream and you’d be out in a minute to grab it. He was wary of even opening the front door these days, and honestly, you couldn’t blame him. The last time you had driven out to pick up whatever was sent into his P.O. Box, there were people waiting outside the building. When you went inside to grab everything, you asked the teller what exactly they were waiting for, to which he told you that they were hoping to catch a glimpse of this faceless internet star as this is where he’d go to get his mail. You don’t think you’ve ever walked faster to your car— trying your best to not grab their attention though your body was shaking with adrenaline, knowing they might’ve seen him while he was waiting there for you. Practically throwing open the driver's door, you tossed everything haphazardly into the back seat, telling Corpse to pull up his hood and mask as you started the car and peeled out of there. That was the last time he left the house.

You sighed, dropping your phone back on your desk as well as the switch that had been sitting in your lap, beginning to explain that you needed a quick break to get your coffee and starting to click through the settings to set up your break screen when you saw your phone light up again.

Corpsie💞💞: nah don’t worry i got it

You barely had time to sit back in your chair as you stared at your phone in disbelief before there was a soft knocking on your office door. 

“Just kidding guys, apparently we have a kind guest who’s bringing it to me instead.”

Corpse hearing your voice from behind the door, it swung open to reveal your mop-headed lover sporting his cute plaid pyjama pants and yesterday’s hoodie as he held your coffees and bag in his hand. You grinned to yourself, moving out of the frame of the webcam as you reached out to grab everything, placing it on your desk before turning back to him with a wide smile. Reaching back for his hand, you pulled it down toward you, his body following as your other hand reached up to bury itself in his bedhead. You leaned forward and pressed a small peck onto his lips, mumbling a soft thank you against them as you kissed him once more. While this may have looked like the most simple gesture you knew how difficult it must have been for him, almost wanting to cry at how sweet he was to go to those lengths to do something a little special for you. As you pulled away, you smiled as his face mirrored yours, those soft rosy lips pulled into the sweetest grin you’d ever seen. Resting his forehead against yours, he mumbled back a small “anything for you princess,” the deep rumble of his morning voice sending a chill up your spine as you leaned forward again to steal another sweet kiss. Finally pulling away from you he stood up to his full height, a yawn escaping his mouth; though as he looked back toward the door you could sense his hesitation and grinned widely up at him.

“Do you wanna sit with me for a bit? I can just turn off the camera.” Giggling softly, you watched his head practically whip back toward you nodding a yes as he squeezed your hand, still intertwined with his. Reluctantly pulling it from his grasp, you pulled yourself back toward your monitors as you began to click through your stream settings. 

“Well, your favourite guest has decided to grace us with his presence for a little so I’m gonna have to turn off face-cam, but I don’t think you guys will have a problem with that.” You laughed out, watching as your chat began to surge with messages about him. Making sure there was no way you could accidentally turn on the webcam again, you gestured him over to you starting to stand from your chair to grab the other one sitting in the corner of the office when a hand grasped yours, a strong tug pulling you completely off it with; a small yelp escaped your lips as you fell clumsily into your boyfriend's chest. You could hear his laugh from above you as he maneuvered you around in his arms before falling back onto your chair and pulling you into his lap, his face burying itself into the crook of your neck where you could feel that smug grin that was surely painted on his face. With his arms wrapped around you completely, holding you securely to his chest you knew you weren’t going anywhere. Looking up at the chat a laugh was pulled from your lips as your watchers conspired against you, message after message accusing you of doing something unspeakable behind the camera as being the reason you turned it off.

“Guys, literally nothing is happening.” You laughed out, watching as the chat passed so fast you couldn’t even read a full sentence. “Corpse just decided he wanted to share a chair instead of getting his own.”

“Yeah, my bad.” With no trace of any remorse in his monotone answer, another laugh escaped from your lips. Leaning forward to grab your switch and actually start playing again, you settled back into Corpse’s lap knowing this is exactly where you wanted to be. You were only a few minutes back into the game, Corpse and you occasionally reading out some live chat comments excited about his surprise appearance as viewers slowly climbed— his own watchers joining to watch the stream, when he inevitably started to fuck with you. A chill snaked up your spine as you began to feel small kisses trailing up your neck, you should’ve known this was one of the reasons he wanted to have you in his lap— it was easier to get your attention this way. You could feel that smug little smile drift back onto his face as he heard your voice start to shake slightly; at those moments he’d pull away and start replying to messages before turning back and starting all over again. It was the fourth time he began to press those soft lips to the base of your throat when you shrugged him off and shoved the breakfast sandwich you were snacking on into his face.

“Okay, if you want to share a chair you’re gonna have to behave.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry baby, sorry.” Corpse laughed out, voice muffled from behind the sandwich; taking a bite of it and placing it back in front of you, his chest still shaking with laughter. Deciding to hook his chin over your shoulder instead, he went back to watching the live chat, chatting and answering questions— that is before he came across a certain comment that had him furrowing his brows in confusion.

“What’s this about you folding Tom Nook like a panini?”

>>>

[phoebe-delia]

could u write a drarry oneshot inspired by sweet creature of harry styles? :)

Hello Nonnie! I absolutely can. This is a great suggestion, I love this song for Drarry. I hope you enjoy it. Warnings: injury, drinking, attempted sexual assault that is VERY QUICKLY STOPPED and NOT H/D!!! Thank you to @apr1cots for the beta!

3 Times Harry Brought Draco Home...+1 Time Draco Brought Harry Home

1.

The first time, Harry found him in the cafe near their flat.

He sat down in the chair across from Draco, who glared at him over his cup of tea. "I thought I told you not to follow me."

"I waited three hours. I figured that would be enough time for you to come to your senses, but you didn't come back, so I got worried."

"I can handle myself, thanks."

"I know you can. But you didn't tell me where you went."

Draco's eyes flashed. "That was for a reason, you imbecile."

Harry shook his head. "Flatmates don't do that—disappear for three hours after a fight without saying where they’ve gone."

"I'm an adult. And you're not my father or my boyfriend, so back off."

"No, but I am your friend. And your flatmate. And I don't want to be worried sick for three hours when you fuck off to Merlin knows where because you're feeling pissy!" Harry snapped, letting his anger creep into his voice.

Draco sighed. He took a moment to sip his tea, and then he looked at Harry. "I'll tell you what. If we fight, and I don't return, send an owl, Floo or contact you in some way within six hours, you can send out a bloody search party."

Harry shook his head. “I will give you three hours.”

“Five”

“Three and a half.”

“Four and a half.”

“Four is my final offer.”

Draco scoffed. “Is that so? What are you going to do, show up with half the Auror department?”

Harry pursed his lips. “Not if I don’t have to. But I would.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“Care to find out?”

“You’re mental.”

“Maybe,” Harry shrugged. “Trouble is, I don’t care. Now, will you be here for a while, or are you coming home with me?”

“I suppose I'll go, but only since I've already finished my tea,” Draco said with another sigh, which Harry ignored as they both rose from their seats. While they walked to the Apparition point together, Harry replayed in his mind the flicker of emotion on Draco’s face when he said “home.”

2.

The second time, Harry’s glass nearly shattered in his hand from how firmly he was gripping it.

He ignored Hermione’s knowing gaze and Ron’s eye roll as he unabashedly stared daggers at the bloke practically groping Draco at the bar. Harry saw Draco’s eyes widen imperceptibly, noticed his smile falter and his cheekbone twitch.

Yes, he observed this from across the room. You get to know a bloke after living with him for almost a year; besides, Harry was very perceptive—constant vigilance and all that.

Speaking of being an Auror, Harry was pretty sure this prick was breaking some sort of public indecency laws by the way he was sliding his hand further and further up Draco’s leg. Draco gently pried the man’s hand from his thigh, only for the stranger to laugh and reach over again, gripping it even more firmly.

Harry didn’t think beyond getting up from his seat and striding toward the bar, quickening his pace when he saw Draco’s eyes widen in panic. He barely registered the look of horror on the stranger’s face when he grabbed the hand gripping Draco’s thigh and pinned the man face-down on the bar.

“He said no,” Harry said through clenched teeth, ignoring the man’s grunts and protests.

“We were just talking!” The man sputtered, his cheek pressed against the counter as he twisted and wriggled to get free.

Harry tightened his grip. “Conversation’s over. If I catch you trying to ‘talk’ to him again, I’ll make sure you have a nice chat with the Wizengamot about sexual assault. Now, apologize.”

“But—”

“Apologize!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry.”

Harry smirked. “Good.” He released the man’s arm and let him right himself. The man froze, looking between Harry and Draco expectantly.

Harry raised an eyebrow. “Leave. Now.”

The man nodded, scurrying out of the now silent bar, the bell attached to the door tinkling behind him.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.” Draco’s face was blank other than a raised eyebrow.

Harry shrugged. “Sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“No, I’m not. But I am glad you’re okay. You are, right? He didn’t hurt you?” Harry’s chest tightened at the suggestion.

But Draco shook his head. “No, I’m fine. But I think that’s my sign to head home.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“You don’t have to. I’m fine to Floo.”

“I want to.”

“What about your friends?”

Harry cringed and turned back to face the table to see Ron and Hermione looking at him, expressions full of nausea and amusement, respectively. He held up a hand in a small wave. Hermione shook her head and smiled fondly.

Harry grinned and turned back to Draco. “They’ll be alright without me. C’mon, let’s go home. I’ll make us some tea, yeah?”

Draco hesitated at first, but he nodded. And if Harry let his hand linger lightly on Draco’s back when they headed toward the Floo, they could both chalk it up to a safety measure.

3.

The door to Pansy Parkinson’s flat swung open before Harry could knock.

She took one look at him and rolled her eyes. “Could you have taken any longer to get here?”

Harry bristled. “I was—”

“Don’t care. Get in here, he’s on my couch.” She turned and walked away purposefully, and Harry trailed behind her.

“I thought you two were just going for drinks?”

Pansy sighed. “We were, but then we came back here for a few more, and he got into my tequila when my back was turned.” She shook her head. “Tequila is his one weakness—well,” she smirked. “One of them, anyway.”

Harry furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth to respond when a shout sounded from the living room.

He looked over to see Draco sprawled across the couch, an empty glass in one hand and the other nearly touching the floor, his leather-clad legs spread wide.

Draco grinned at Harry. “Harrryyy!!! Come to join the party?”

“He’s come to end it, more like,” Pansy crossed her arms. “It’s time for you to go home, love.”

Draco let out a high, keening whine and burrowed himself further into the couch. “Don’ wanna. Tired. Stay here.”

“No, Draco, we’ve got to go home,” Harry walked up to the couch. His breath caught when gray eyes blinked wide and pleadingly up at him.

Draco held out his arms. “Up.”

“Er, what?”

Draco jerked his arms up and down, keeping them in the air. “Up! Help me up, you great oaf!”

Harry sighed and bent down, taking Draco in his arms and nearly stumbling when the blond let his body weight fall into him.

Draco smirked lazily. “Oops,” he said with a grin in his voice. “Guess you gotta carry me.”

Harry scoffed, looking to Pansy for appeal.

She waved a hand dismissively. “He’s your problem, now. Just get him out of my flat and back home intact, will you?” She didn’t wait for him to respond, walking away into another room.

Harry sighed. He wasn’t sure about the safety of Apparating or taking the Floo with someone in your arms, and the twists and turns of the Knight Bus could make a sober person sick up. With a grunt, he hoisted Draco up and into his arms bridal style, and the other man yelped and then giggled wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck.

“Home,” Draco said softly, and affection spread through Harry’s chest.

“Okay, Draco,” Harry whispered as they made their way out of the flat. “I’ve got you.”

+1.

Harry woke to the sound of muffled voices shouting at each other and the constant beep of a monitor.

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, wincing as a sharp pain exploded in his side with the effort. Memories came rushing back: the raid, turning his back for a split second to shout something at Ron, blinding pain, then darkness. He tried to sit up in the hospital bed, but he let himself lie back down when his side throbbed once more.

Suddenly, the door was opened and then promptly slammed shut. “Honestly, the nerve of these people. If he needs bed rest, then where is better than his own bed? Is my Healer degree rendered meaningless the moment I’m off the clock?” Draco muttered, running a hand through his hair as he paced the room angrily.

“Draco?”

Draco jumped and turned to Harry with wild, startled eyes that made Harry laugh, and then wince in pain.

“You’re awake, thank Merlin,” Draco approached the side of the bed, relief replacing the shock on his face.

“How long have I been out?”

“Two days. You were hit with a rare curse that caused an ever-bleeding wound in your side, and the healers had to put you in a magically induced coma to reverse it.”

“That sounds good. Do Robards and—”

“Yes, Ron gave Robards the full briefing. You’re not expected in the office until a Healer permits it.”

“So, can I go home?”

“Yes, now that you’re awake, you can go home. I’ll monitor you from there.”

Harry frowned. “You don’t have to.”

Draco let out a short, humorless chuckle. “You were in a coma for two days, Harry. The only reason they’re discharging you is that you’re going home with a Healer.”

“But you don’t actually have to stay and watch me all day, right?”

“What part of ‘I’ll monitor you from there’ don’t you understand?”

“But I’m fi-!” The last word was cut off as Harry hissed through another spark of pain.

“Fine, are you?”

“Shut up.”

Draco smirked. “Not likely.”

Harry scowled, eliciting a real laugh from Draco, who moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Flatmates don’t do this, y’know.”

Draco’s eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“Take several days off of work to care for the other when they’re injured. I’m not even sure friends do that.”

Harry noticed Draco’s jaw tighten. He ached to reach up and relax it with a gentle touch, but he kept his hand at his side.

“What are you saying, Harry?” Draco asked, his voice low and even.

“I’ll tell you what,” Harry swallowed. “I won’t argue about you wasting days away from work if you let me take you to dinner when I’ve recovered.”

The beginning of a smile curved Draco’s lips. “And what will we do in the meantime?”

Harry waggled his eyebrows. “I can think of a few ways to pass the time.”

Draco chuckled. “If you think I’m missing work just so you wind up back in here because you restarted bleeding during sex, you’ve another thing coming.”

Harry pouted halfheartedly. “Apparently I won’t be coming at all.”

Draco mimicked his petulant frown. “Aww, ickle Harry, being waited on for days by his flatmate-turned-boyfriend.”

“I’ll tell you what—”

“Didn’t we already make a deal?”

“I’ll tell you what: I won’t argue about you missing work or not having sex until I’m recovered if you let me take you to dinner once I’m healed and if we can snog as much as we like.”

"What makes you think I’ll agree to those terms?”

Harry shrugged. “If you don’t like those terms, I can come up with more. Now that I’m on bed rest, I’ve got plenty of time to think.”

“You’re not supposed to strain yourself,” Draco smirked when Harry glared at him.

Harry huffed. “You need to work on your bedside manner, Healer Malfoy.”

“I’ll get plenty of practice this week, then, won’t I?”

“Yes, you will. Now, can we get out of here? I want to start my healing regimen right away.”

Draco laughed and laced their fingers together. “Alright, Harry. Let’s go home.”

Send me an ask about Harry Potter, broadway/musicals, The West Wing, and/or Taylor Swift! Or just about life in general :).

Also, I have a playlist of my 99 most listened-to songs of the year so far. Pick a number 1--99 and send me an ask and I'll write you a fic based on it!

[pbandjesse]

I felt better in some ways today. Worse in others. The same in the rest. It wasn't a bad day. I am just tired.

I slept. Fine. When I woke up I wasn't thrilled but I was trying to remain positive. I slept with my hair in a braid last night and that made my hair looked really nice so I was pretty pleased. I really liked my outfit. This is my new denim/chambray romper and my denim shirt I got a few weeks ago. I felt real cute.

James would give me hugs and some cold medicine and I would get ready to go. When I got outside though I was very surprised that there was containers of tomato sauce all over and a bunch of it was splattered on our car??? Very very strange. I called James and they came outside to see and we were both very confused.

I would drive to camp and grabbed some baby wipes to clean the sauce. It was very strange. But it's cleaned now.

I was not having fun. I didn't feel great. The medicine would eventually kick in and I was a lot better but my body was really tired. And I had to push myself a lot today.

My parents chaperones started showing up and they were all so lovely. We had some confusion with some parents going to the lodge by accident. But I would walk my first group over to their station, and then back to collect the other half.

It was fun. They were all so nice. And they would do such a good job!! I was really thrilled with this group of parent volunteers.

While I was showing my last couple parents their station I got called on the walkie that the school was here. So off I went. I was a little annoyed because I am only one person and it is pretty hard to get the parents sorted and the kids sorted but I got over there and Elizabeth had directed them into the building. I thanked her and went to find the teacher.

I was a little frazzled and went through my intro to quickly. Oops. But it was fine. I would realize I went to fast and since I actually remembered to bring the story book I was able to read that and fill some time. And while this group was really big (77 students!) they were a really sweet group.

I would walk them to their stations to use some more time. The first block has 10 extra minutes but it was fine. My parents volunteers were rockstar and didn't complain at all.

I would have to take a lot of breaks. I sat on the office porch. I sat on the bench near arts and crafts. I sat on the field stairs. I would make my rounds but overall everyone seemed fine and didn't need me. So I didn't bother them to much. They seemed like they were doing good.

And I was thrilled about that. It makes my life a lot easier.

It was tense in the office though. I think it was known how upset I had been that I had to come in. But it felt very very awkward in the office. I would later on talk to Heather about how the tone of the texts I got on Friday upset me. And she said maybe the tone wasn't intentional. And maybe that is true. I was still a little upset. But I was trying to let it go.

Elizabeth would ask if I wanted Friday off. Yes. So I agreed to do the other field trip this week. Which I was going to do anyway but since I lost my day off today I am glad I will still have one this week. Even if it isn't with James.

At lunch there was an issue with the toilets just continuously flushing. Heather would walk with me to learn to turn the water pressure lower. And now I know how to do that so that's neat.

The last hour of the day went fine. Except when a kid didn't listen to my warnings and ran down the hill and ate shit. Absolutely destroyed the skin on her knees. I felt terrible. Her teachers cleaned her up and got her ice and bandaids but man did I felt bad. Poor girl. And right at the end of the day! The worst.

During the last half hour I was sitting on the stairs and the pollen in the air was crazy. It was making the world hazy. And while my sore throat has gone away, the pollen is still making me snotty and coughing. Really obnoxious. It's wild so thick it was in the air.

At the end of the program everyone came back to the hacienda and I gave them a short quiz. And thanked them all for coming. And then they were off.

And I needed to be as well. I would collect the trash. And then off the lights. But I didn't go and check anything at the sites because I had to go to the doctors and I didn't have a ton of time.

The rhumatologist is actually about 40 minutes away. But it always takes longer. So I was in the car by 215. And would arrive at 305. So now the worst but not the best. The traffic was only slightly stressful because the ETA kept creeping up. Thankfully I had given myself the full hour. And was on time.

I got taken back pretty quickly. They had the new will and grace show on the TV and it is just so cringe. Like I really liked will and grace when I was a kid but the humor just doesn't hit right in the modern world. Felt icky. But whatever.

The girl who did my injections was fabulous. I didn't feel it at all!! 10/10. And then I had to get labs done so they took my blood. Which hurt slightly but was fine. I joked with the receptionist about them taking my money and my blood. And then showed her some pictures from Africa. It was nice to see everyone again. Been so long!

I went home after that. I had texted James and asked if we could go to Mathews for dinner. And they said yes. So when we got home I changed shoes and put some lotion on my face and we were off.

We walked around the park and talked. It was nice. I was really thirsty and was very excited to be at the restaurant.

We got our normal order and had a quiet meal. Just chatting and sharing recipes and making a grocery list. It was a nice afternoon. I was happy and with my husband.

The walk back was a little harder. I got a hard core pain in my stomach. James distracted me by started a game where we tracked window animals. James got a point for dogs, I got points for cats. The final score was 11 dogs and 8 cats. So they won. It was a fun little game. And while I wasn't having the best time walking, a little to hot, a little to much hurty, I was happy and having fun.

When we got home I went and quickly took a shower and washed my hair and I have basically been resting since then. James brought Ruby upstairs and I was amused by her getting stuck on stuff. I painted my toes and picked some outfits for this week. We have two dinners to go to! Charlotte's birthday on Thursday and then Paul and Sam are hosting a dinner on Friday. I am looking forward to them both.

James came to lay with me. And we have just been watching TikToks and having a nice time. My stomach still hurts but it's not as bad. I think I just would like to sleep.

I have another Native American field trip tomorrow. This one starts a little early. I really hope it goes smoothly. Its a much smaller group so I have high hopes but you never know. Fingers crossed.

Now I am going to go rinse off my face because my allergies are bothering me. And then sleep. I hope you all sleep good. I love you all. Goodnight!

[nineteenninety-six]

Stray in the Street

TOMMY SHELBY X READER

2.3K Words

She found him unconscious in the street and even though she knew she shouldn’t, she dragged him into her house. It was pouring down with rain and if she left him out there on the street in the rain, she doubted he’d be alive in the morning. 

While he wasn’t as heavy as she thought he would be, it was still a hassle to pull him up and drag him to her house. At first, she had thought he was drunk and had collapsed into the street as that wasn’t uncommon for her street but it was until she had dragged him in front of her fireplace and turned the lights of her front room on did she realise that he was far from a drunk.

He had cuts and bruises littered on his face and hands and (Y/N) would bet that there was more underneath his shirt. She left the stranger by the fireplace in hopes that it would dry him off and keep him warm as she collected her first aid kit, a bowl of water and a clean rag, she didn’t know much first aid but she knew enough to clean the cuts out and bandage them.

She didn’t know what to think of the man as she cleaned and disinfected his cuts, he looked vulnerable as he laid unconscious with his head on her lap and (Y/N) couldn’t help but wonder what he had gotten into that had left him like that. Maybe he had some unpaid debts or perhaps slept with the wife of a rich and important man but whatever it was, it must have been serious. 

(Y/N) was exhausted, she had been up early and had been working all day so all she wanted to do was sleep but she couldn’t with the stranger in her house. He could wake up in a panic, having no clue where the hell he was and she would have to explain but despite all that, she couldn’t resist the pull of sleep and fell asleep on her couch.

.•° ✿ °•.

(Y/N) shot up with a gasp and her eyes immediately went to the space in front of the fireplace but it was empty. As she stood up as she tried to listen to see if he was still in the house she felt something fall off her and when she looked down she saw a blanket pooled around her feet, something she most definitely did not fall asleep with. 

She bent down to pick it up when she heard shuffling in the kitchen and the blanket was quickly thrown aside in pursuit of the noise. She made her way towards the kitchen with quiet steps and peered around the corner and spotted the stranger at her kitchen table, yesterday's paper in hand with the glass of water beside him. There didn’t seem to be anything nefarious going on with the man so she walked into the kitchen, announcing herself to him.

“I’m surprised to see you up” 

Dawn was breaking and (Y/N) could see blues and purples starting to appear in the sky which meant she was asleep for around four hours.

The man flinched in surprise and looked up at her and the first thing (Y/N) noticed was his blue eyes.

“You were asleep when I woke up” The man folded the newspaper up and placed it on the table and (Y/N) could see the way his body flinched in pain whenever he moved beyond his bounds.

“You could have woke me up. You had no issue placing a blanket on me” (Y/N) didn’t know how she was so calm now that the stranger was awake.

“The fire had gone out, you looked cold”

(Y/N) smiled at that before she walked further into the kitchen, “I’ll make us some tea. Are you hungry?”

The man shook his head but (Y/N) was going to make toast for him anyway.

With the toast and the tea on the table, (Y/N) took a seat opposite the man who returned to reading the newspaper, she watched him for a bit before she spoke to him, wanting to know more information.

“You know that’s yesterday’s paper right?” She started off with a soft conversation opener

The man looked at her and shrugged, “I was busy yesterday”

(Y/N) let her eyes run over his cuts and bruises, “I could tell”

The man placed the newspaper down and faced her fully before he asked the question that had been weighing on him since he woke up “Why did you take me in?”

“I thought you were some drunk at first and usually I would have left you there but it was raining and stumbling across a dead body on my way to work isn’t my favourite way to start the day.” (Y/N) told him, “I brought you in and then I saw your cuts so I cleaned them and patched them up”

The man fingered the bandage around his right hand and nodded his thanks towards (Y/N). 

“Are you going to tell me how you become unconscious and dumped on the street?” 

The mans face instantly screwed up at her question and (Y/N) quickly corrected herself, 

“-Or not. You can keep your secrets”

They remained in silence after that, drinking their tea but it didn’t escape (Y/N)’s notice that the man ate the toast she had laid out. 

When the clock struck eight, (Y/N) pushed herself away from the table and stood up, 

“Look, I’ve got to get ready for work but you’re free to stay here if you want but please don’t burn my house down” 

With that (Y/N) disappeared upstairs to get ready for the day and the only reason she had a skip in her step after only having four hours of sleep was because it was Friday. 

.•° ✿ °•.

When (Y/N) returned home from work, she expected the man to have left but she found him relaxing on her couch like he owned it, though this time with a glass of whiskey and today’s newspaper, which meant he had definitely gone to the shops.

“You haven’t gone home?”

“You said I could stay”

“I did” (Y/N) sat down next to him, “Though I would appreciate if I knew the name of my stray”

The man’s lips twitched at her nickname for him before he stuck his hand out, “Tommy. Tommy Shelby”

(Y/N) shook his hand, “Nice to meet you, Tommy. I’m (Y/N).”

(Y/N) sunk into the couch with a tired huff, her long hours were not worth it but she couldn’t pay the bills otherwise.

“Do you know how to cook, Tommy?”

Tommy looked at her from the corner of his eye and shook his head, “I don’t but I know who can”

“Will they be able to cook for me?” (Y/N) was too tired to even make herself a sandwich

“I’m sure they’ll have no problem but first I need a phone and a car”

“I’ve got a phone but I can’t help you with a car”

“That’s fine” Tommy stood up and stretched, “Where are we? Is Small Heath nearby?”

“Small Heath? Yeah, it’s the next town over, maybe a fifteen-minute walk”

“Good, I’ve got a couple of phone calls to make. Where’s your phone?”

(Y/N) pointed at the kitchen and Tommy disappeared. She had no clue where he was going to take her nor what the relevance of Small Heath was but the man interested her and she was keen to find out more.

Tommy returned and raised his eyebrows at her, “You ready?”

“Yup!” (Y/N) jumped up from the couch and picked up her coat and handbag before she followed Tommy out of the house, “Where are we off too?”

“Small Heath first, gotta pick something up but then I’ll take you to where the food is”

(Y/N) nodded and followed him as he walked to Small Heath, the journey was quiet and short but (Y/N) wished she changed out of her heels because her feet were killing her.

When they arrived in Small Heath, Tommy strutted around like he owned the place and add the fact that everyone they walked by including police officers, nodded their head and called him ‘Mr Shelby’, (Y/N) wondered if she was far off by that assumption. 

She followed behind him as he made his way down a street called, ‘Watery Lane’ and stopped at the house with a car outside it. He spoke to the man leaning against the house and took a pair of keys from him and had a little conversation before the man retreated back into the house but not before he took a look at her.

Tommy held the keys up at her and motioned for her to get into the car, 

“C’mon let’s get going”

(Y/N) cautiously made her way into the car, nervous as she has never ridden in one before but she didn’t want to dawdle and waste time.

“Who’s car is this?” (Y/N) asked as Tommy pulled away from the curb, “And where are we going?”

“Company car and we’re going to Warwickshire”

“Company car?”

“My company”

Now (Y/N) was all the more confused on why he ended up outside of her house. If he owned a company and cars then he couldn’t have been in debt, though it was still a very small possibility. 

“Right…”

(Y/N) ended up falling asleep on the journey to wherever Tommy was taking her and was woken up when he gently shook her awake. 

“C’mon sleeping beauty, your food is waiting” Tommy whispered as she woke up. 

“Fucking hell!” (Y/N) couldn’t help herself when she saw the house in front of her, it was bigger than all the houses on her street put together.

Tommy was already out of the car and heading towards the door so (Y/N) quickly jumped out and followed him, quietly marvelling at the house.  Tommy walked into the house and had only taken two steps when was ambushed by a maid.

“Mr Shelby! Where have you been? We haven’t seen you in two days and suddenly we get a call which only tells us to prepare some food” The maid is simultaneously  exasperated and worried, “Look, you’ve got all these cuts and-”

“Mary, it’s fine. I’m fine” Tommy cuts her off, “You have no reason to worry”

“Don’t need to worry-” Mary scoffed before she noticed (Y/N) for the first time and a flush came up her neck, embarrassed at being seen that way by a stranger. 

“The uh chefs have finished dinner, everything is waiting in the dining room” Mary’s eyes never left her feet. 

“Thank you, Mary”

(Y/N) quickly thanked the maid as well before she followed Tommy.

“You have a maid?!”

“Several, actually”

(Y/N) gaped at the man and his wealth, she was rendered speechless by everything that man did. 

Tommy pushed open the door to one of the rooms and gestured that she go first, so she did and she found a large table filled with plates of food she had only dreamed of having. They were all extravagant and high quality, something she could never have afforded.

“Take this as a thank you for everything you did”

“I didn’t ask for all of this, I would have been fine with a simple meal”

“You did something stupid, taking a stranger in from the street….but I am thankful for what you did.” Tommy looked shy as he said those words, “Me giving you dinner, is the least I could do to repay you.”

“Well, I’m not complaining” (Y/N) said as she took a seat and pulled the closest dish towards her.

“You did though” Tommy deadpanned.

(Y/N) held up her thumb and index finger and brought them together until there was only a small gap between them, and grinned up at Tommy, “Only slightly though.”

Tommy took a seat opposite her and continued small talk with (Y/N) as she ate the food in front of her. She was a curious woman, snarky yet kind and considerate and he liked her. 

“What’s your job?” He asked once she finished. 

“Accountant” (Y/N) scowled, “Long hours, underpaid and undervalued, it’s my dream job”

“How about you work for me?”

(Y/N) choked on the water she was drinking, “E-Excuse me?”

“Obviously, I need to see how you work and if you are suitable to work for the company but what do you say?”

“Are you just doing this because of yesterday?” (Y/N) was unsure of where this was coming from. 

“You said you were underpaid and undervalued, you won’t be if you work for me”

“What exactly is it you do?” (Y/N) had been curious as to how he got his massive house.

“Shelby Company Limited is in the business of exportation. We export goods from Birmingham around the world, specifically car parts” Tommy drawled as if he was repeating a pitch for rich investors. 

“Where’s the office, Small Heath?”

Tommy nodded, “What do you think?”

“What am I getting paid?”

Tommy gave a little smirk, “Above average, I assure you. Plus additional benefits.”

(Y/N) nodded after a moment and stuck her hand out, “You’ve got a deal”

Tommy took her hand and shook it once, as a confirmation of their agreement.

“I’ll pick you up on Monday and take you to the office where you can sign the paperwork.”

“Sounds good but speaking of, how am I supposed to get home tonight?”

Tommy looked at the clock in the room and was surprised at how late it was, “It’s late, you can stay the night, there’s plenty of guest rooms.”

“No shit” 

Tommy ignored (Y/N)’s comment, “I’ll have a driver take you home tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“If you’re done here, Mary can show you to your room”

“Absolutely.”

As (Y/N) followed Mary upstairs, she realised she never found out why Tommy was left unconscious outside of her house.

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding XXV

Part I - - - - - - - - - - Part XXII - - - - Part XXIII - - - - Part XXIV

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

The nature of the Jedi Temple was such that years could pass unnoticed within the ethereal, eternal walls—and then a number of factors would converge simultaneously, and wreck all that.

In this case, dawn, rumors, and Quinlan Vos were all meeting in an abrupt and tremulous clash. 

Rumors and daylight, of course, were well known for their power to occupy multiple spaces at the same time. Quinlan Vos’s apparent ability to do so (for nothing else could explain his gentle but thorough interrogation of padawans in the sallies, his generous provisions of drinks for over-wrought nocturnal jedi, and his unauthorized access to closed off personal quarters, all in an impossibly short period time) was far more inexplicable, and therefore technically admirable.

Master Gallia did not feel admiring at the moment. She felt tired.

“Where. Is. Obi-Wan?” Quinlan repeated.

Adi Gallia danced around him, continuing on her stroll of the temple grounds. She released a flash of irritation into the force—of course Masters Koon, Windu, and Yoda all were shipped off for their own (admittedly grim) assignments, leaving her responsible for ‘local’ issues. She had accepted the possibility of intense political fallout, of course. She was prepared to soothe the worries of those still in-temple, who were just starting to pick-up on the certainly-not-an-evacuation. She had been less ready to deal with an incensed psychometric interfering in matters beyond his understanding.

“Classified,” she repeated, as neutrally as ever.

“Do you really want to have the rest of this conversation in front of the whole Order?” he hissed. “I went to his quarters, I felt—” Vos shuddered.

Gallia sighed, tension headache growing. “Come with me.”

She glided serenely to her personal office space, Vos trailing her like the irritable shadow he was.

The door clicked.

“I know he tried to kill himself,” he said bluntly. The Councillor winced slightly; even knowing the context didn’t change the very real and tragic brush with death. “I saw Skywalker see it.” 

Master Gallia didn’t reply—there was no point in denying, and every point in gaining information. 

“Do you know what Obi-Wan felt?” he asked manically.

The Tholothian Master took an involuntary step back. Part of her thought it would be more expedient to simply bring the man into the fold, but another part hesitated at trusting the already thinly stretched secret to a man who was, by Master Kenobi’s own admittance, far closer to falling than anyone realized. It was scarcely his fault—shadow work was dangerous, even when the galaxy wasn’t in the grips of a Sith-engineered galactic war, but still—

“Nothing!” he cried, slaming his palms on her desk in an alarming loss of control. “A brief feeling of panic when his hand was on the vibroblade and then fucking serenity as he tried to stab himself in the heart!”

“Master Vos—” she tried to say placatingly, but he was having none of it.

“Please,” he begged. “I know I can get through to him, just tell me where he is.”

“Quinlan Vos—you’re just going to have to trust the High Council to have Master Kenobi’s best interests in mind.”

He stared at her for a moment, then narrowed his eyes. “You lost him, didn’t you?”

“Quinlan—”

The Kiffar barked out a laugh, pointing a finger in outraged accusation. “He woke up, half the galaxy felt that—and then he ran off, and now he’s somewhere, hurt, and the Council can’t spare the resources or the pride to help him!”

She hesitated—that was the cover story, one that would conceivably spread; but it felt deeply cruel to leave the Kiffar floundering in it. If only he was slightly less angry...

Vos took a deep breath. “Fine,” he said shortly. “The Council wants to keep his status under wraps—that’s fine; he wouldn’t want everyone knowing he’s vulnerable, anyway. Just give me what you have, and I’ll track him.”

Adi Gallia drummed her fingers on her rattled desk for a moment, before letting go of a half-truth. “We suspect he’s going after Count Dooku,” she said finally, suppressing any guilt she felt for the half-lie, or for causing Quinlan’s expression to twist tighter, when she could so easily relieve him of his burden.

“And?” he pressed.

Adi looked away. “Knight Skywalker’s with him, in some capacity,” she grit out.

Quinlan snorted. “Obviously.” Gallia’s lips tightened. 

“Is that it?” he asked exasperated. “You’re not going to even give me his file?”

“You don’t have it already?” she asked drly.

“I’ve got the bathashit official one you gave to the Chancellor,” he admitted, immediately and unrepentantly. “Where you all but threw him under a moving speeder,” he added hostily. 

Master Gallia winced. “Master Vos,” she tried again. “The Council has a plan. I regret that I cannot tell you it, but I beg of you—have faith in us for a little longer—don’t go after him.”

Quinlan’s expression tightened. “Is the plan for the good of Obi-Wan, or the good of the Council? Because sure, I know which Obi-Wan would prefer, and so do you—and I. Don’t. Agree.”

Gallia rubbed her temples, skull throbbing with tension. “And that’s why I can’t trust you with anything else,” she admitted, completely honest.

Quinlan nodded sharply. “May the force be with you, Master Gallia.” 

“And with you, Quinlan Vos,” she replied sadly. 

Quinlan stalked out, and Gallia took a brief moment to pity the both of them before returning to work.

- - -

Ventress skulked in the corner of a dingy bar, cursing Kenobi once again. A few hours on this miserable planet and all she had were rumors to go on. Obviously something had happened to the golden boy, but the underworld seemed even more puzzled than the kriffing Jedi. It was only a matter of time before the public caught wind, and then the gossip would become hopelessly entangled with the actually important whispers.

Sneaking into the Temple itself would be a worthy test of her skills—but if she was captured...well needless to say there would be no aid from Dooku. Had she not felt the Negotiator’s presence during the flight she might have believed this were some irritating test of her Master’s but this...

The Dathomori grimaced into her drink. If nothing else, Kenobi was a fearsome adversary—anything that could have riled him—possibly defeated him once in for all...Ventress hated to admit but she might be out of her depth.

“Is this seat taken?”

She looked up in irritation at a human male with a cocky grin, a gold face tattoo, and skin as dark as hers was pale. The idiot was already pulling out the seat, apparently utterly oblivious of her open contempt— not to mention the chill of the dark side she was deliberately projecting around her. 

“Yes,” she snapped. “Now leave, before I remove you. Violently.”

He grinned wider, leaning in. “Oh don’t be like that. Now, what’s a beautiful woman like yourself doing in a place like this?”

The fool then had the audacity to reach over, lightly brushing her hand. She grabbed the wrist, pinning it to the table. “Do. Not. Touch Me. You vile worm.”

“Aah! Okay, okay!” he babbled in panic. “Sorry, my mistake, thought you seemed hot and a little lonely, that’s all, miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take, you know? Wasn’t trying to cop a feel or anything I swear! I’ll go now, promise.”

She felt an odd tingling sensation run through her, starting at the single point of contact between them. She frowned, unable to classify it. He smiled charmingly. and she released him as if burnt. 

“You’re a Jedi,” she hissed, hand dropping to the sabers beneath the table. The tingling sensation faded. “What was that?”

The open panic disappeared, wholly replaced by the earlier smirk. “And you’re a Sith.” He flexed his hand before tucking it into a pocket. “Nothing to worry about. Just needed your help with an investigation.” He stood, bowing mockingly. “Thank you for your time.” And then he was gone, fading into the shadows. 

She leapt to her feet, running outside and snagging him from his hiding spot behind a crate. 

“What sort of Jedi shadow walks?” she asked, pressing him to the wall at bladepoint, careful not to allow any other point of contact between them. He looked at her as though she were an idiot, and her cheeks heated slightly. 

“You do realize I have to kill you now, right?” she snarled. “Can’t exactly have a Jedi Shadow telling people where I am” 

“You’re not my mission, darling,” he replied, flashing teeth. “Far as I’m concerned, this never happened.”

She narrowed her eyes, digging the tip of her knife into his throat. The Shadow looked deeply unconcerned. “But you thought I might be?” she questioned slyly.

He shrugged. “Sith Apprentice, half a galaxy away from the front off the war? Figured you might be up to trouble, yeah. Fortunately for both of us—as I’m sure an actual fight would be a massive and mutual inconvenience—whatever trouble you’re here for has nothing to do with me. I’ve got bigger fish to fry, you’ve got bigger fish to fry. I’d offer to buy you a drink but I’m fairly certain you’d throw it in my face so...”

He delicately pressed a finger to the knife at his edge. Bemused, she allowed him to push it away.

“And you got all that from touching my hand,” she asked incredulously, curious of his power despite herself.

He waggled his digits playfully. “Magic fingers.”

She scoffed. “Even if you were a psychometric—” She cut herself off, eyes flickering to the face tattoo. 

“Kiffar,” she breathed. “Of course. My gloves—but it was just a moment, what—ah.” She smirked. “Kenobi. You just wanted to know if I had been around him.”

“And now I know you haven’t.” He shrugged. “Anyway, have fun on Coruscant; good luck not getting arrested.” 

He started to amble away at a deceptively casual stroll. She fell into lock step.

“You’ve lost him,” she accused.

He shrugged. “Sure, why not,” he agreed mildly. She narrowed her eyes. 

“Some of the Jedi fear their golden boy might have fallen,” she guessed with absolute confidence, but neither his face nor his force presence gave anything away—and she was following him to a secondary location like a fool. 

Ventress lunged but the Jedi was dancing backwards, slipping into a nearby shadow. He fell into it sideways—completely, but crudely. She wheeled around, scanning the perpetually dim alleyway. One shadow grew darker—she threw a dagger and a patch of dark detached, hissing and bleeding a satisfying scarlet.

“Is there a point to attacking me,” he asked impatiently, saber finally appearing in his hand, though it stayed unlit. “I already told you that I don’t care what you’re doing here. What possible advantage could you gain in picking a fight with me? Even if you win, don’t you think the Jedi would notice if a shadow went missing on Coruscant?” 

“You really have no problem letting a Sith run around your precious Core world?” she asked skeptically, throwing another dagger. He dodged it, and it lodged itself in the brickwork. A random passerby immediately stole it—kriff she hated this world— but Asajj couldn’t chace after the parasite now, because the Jedi was throwing a—rock?

The window behind her shattered as she dodged the wild shot, and an incoherent roar spilled out, along with foul smelling water, and eye stalk, and the first few of what looked many tentacles.

“Oh you play dirty,” she breathed, reluctantly impressed. He hit her with a two fingered salute, disappearing again, this time by swaggering slowly around a corner. And then she had to focus on fighting a pissed off Dianoga whose tankhome had just been vandalized.

By the time she mortally wounded the garbage squid, the trail for her first and best lead on Kenobi had nearly gone cold. 

Nearly.

Part XXVI

[thatgirlwritingficsatnight]

Gift exchange

It’s Christmas Eve, and you’ve forgotten about your Christmas company party. Even worse you forgot to get a gift for the “not so secret Santa” - your company’s tradition. Wanna top it? Make it even worse? No problem. The person you were supposed to get a gift for? Your crush. Defsoul - the most talented, kindest and hottest person alive. What are you going to do now?

pairing: Lim Jaebeom (Defsoul) x reader

genre: smut, fluff, Jaebeom is a producer, Y/N is a manager

warnings: smut: daddy kink, light choking, ass play; foul language (please don’t read it if you’re not old enough)

words: 4989

A/N: TFW you try to write a GOT7 reaction, and you end up with one-shot. I know I’m kinda late with whole christmas theme but i wrote it last night and figured out I could post it anyway.

***

You barely got to shut your eyes before your alarm tore you up from your dreams. It was nine in the morning, and you went to sleep at six AM because of your work. You groaned as you shuffled in bed cursing your job, three hours of sleep was not enough for anyone. Being manager of K-pop girl group was hard enough but being the manager in December when there was award show after award show and festivals - that was a nightmare. To other people December was equal to Christmas, gifts, parties, New Year's Eve but to you, it was synonymous with constant state of tiredness, your biggest wish right now was to spent Christmas break alone, just you and your bed. You sighed as you dragged yourself to shower. Girls had only slept for 5 hours, and you felt bad for them — not only were they invited to each award show that existed they also just have had a comeback. You could see how exhausted they were and yet your superiors still pushed for them to go to some stupid TV show on Christmas Eve. You got yourself ready and went to pick them up and get them to set.

The recording went smoothly, and you were already daydreaming about coming home early and passing out on your bed. It was six PM already, but you still had to drive girls home and step into the office for a bit. You sighed you'd be home eight PM at best - well it was still better than coming home at two or three AM. You were about to go and thank everyone for their hard work when your phone vibrated. It was your best friend and coworker.

"Hey Inha. What's up?"

"I wanted to check if you remember about the company party tonight."

You hit your forehead and groaned.

"OMG! You forgot! Have you bought a gift at least?"

"No..." you whined. You wanted to die. You had so much work lately that you've absolutely forgotten about that party — it was for staff only and each year you'd drew lots to pick the person you were supposed to give a gift to. It wasn't even secret Santa your boss simply came to conclusion that gift exchange would help out with forming friendships...

"Girl... Do you at least remember who you drew?"

Of course you remembered. How could you not. This was your lucky year, you got Defsoul the hottest, kindest and most talented person working for your label. You had a small crush on him since that day he gave up his coffee for you. You were falling asleep standing while girls were recording their vocals, and he chuckled at you before telling you to sit by him and drink some coffee. It probably meant nothing to him but that was one of the most stressful weeks in your life, and you weren't sleeping at all during that time — ITZY were about to make a debut, and you couldn't stop worrying over it. You remember how touched you were by this simple gesture, after all no one ever gave you coffee, usually you were the one getting it for other people. His looks certainly didn't help with your hopeless crush. He was H O T and not even simply hot, more like "I-look-like-an-idol" hot. He had a black mullet, piercing under his eye, he also had his nose and ears pierced to make matters worse for you he also had most hypnotizing almost feline-like eyes. Honestly you wondered why didn't he become an idol with a face and talent like that. After that one time, he would buy you a coffee whenever he had seen you and you two became somewhat close - you'd swing over his studio when girls had to train and talk about everything and nothing. He told you about his cats, his favorite restaurants, his passion for taking pictures and well you mostly told him about your job since you basically didn't have any private life - it really felt pathetic. He even took your photo once - telling you that the picture would help him later when he would be looking for inspiration (it is a mystery till this day how you haven't fainted that evening). One day you were waiting for girls to finish up their dance practice and fell asleep on one of the benches — it was difficult day for you since you haven't slept for twenty hours already (you had to fight off some crazy sasaengs and didn’t sleep whole night keeping an eye on their dorm — some would say you were overdoing it, but to you members of ITZY were like your little sisters). You woke up in his studio on his couch. He carried you there while you were asleep and tucked you in, covering you with his jacket. You were extremely embarrassed, apologetic and thankful at the same time. He chuckled at you before saying that it was okay and forced you to promise that you'd oversleep to work the very next day. Inha claimed he had a crush on you since he never treated her with the same kindness or anyone really. But you knew better, he was a good colleague. A good, extraordinarily attractive colleague you wanted to kiss and lick and...

"Hello? Earth to Y/N??" your friend snapped you from your thoughts.

"I have to go Inha! Thank you for reminding me! Love you!" You checked the time, there was no way you'd manage to drive girls back, buy a gift, get ready for a party and do all that without being late. You sighed you will have to improvise. You drove off girls and came back rushing straight to your apartment. The party started at 10 PM and you had to shower, somehow fix your sleep-deprived face and figure out how you're going to apologize to Def... You were home a few minutes before 8 rushing into your bedroom - at least you knew what you were going to wear. That would be the most expensive, or more like the only expensive piece of clothing you had — a birthday gift from girls. It was an oversized tuxedo jacket from Alexander Wang and you haven't worn it yet. You tried it on, it had quite deep cleavage, and exposed a lot of your legs, but you figured it would be ok for tonight. You smoothed out black velvety material before stepping out of it. You still had to shower and do your makeup. An hour later you were looking at yourself in the mirror — the mask Inha got you really helped out with bags under your eyes. You did good with makeup as well: it was soft brownish smoky eye, orange toned lipstick and some shimmers here and there — you actually looked healthy and well rested (a true Christmas miracle really). You looked even better after getting in your outfit — Ryunjin was right, the tuxedo like dress fitted your vibe. You even wore some black heels which didn't often happen since you always chose comfort over looks when at work.  

Fortunately you got to the party on time even though you couldn't catch a taxi for twenty minutes or so. People inside were already mingling and drinking, and you decided to grab something to drink before looking for Def. You located a small table with champagne in the corner of the room. You downed two glasses as quick as you got there, and were already grabbing a third one when a voice spoke up startling you so much you jumped a little.

"Rough day?" Defsoul was standing next to you, whiskey in his hand, smirking at you. You immediately blushed and gawked at him. He was so handsome it was simply unfair. This man clearly woke up today and chose violence. He was wearing a silky black shirt — and it was quite unbuttoned, so you had a chance of seeing his broad chest (you were currently having a heart attack), and slacks he also styled his hair so that his forehead was exposed with one defiant streak of hair falling onto his brow bone. You wanted to groan. You fucked up — this could've been your chance to get him to like you more...

"Y/N? Are you alright?" he was genuinely concerned, and here you were, basically salivating and staring at him like a starved, nasty man. That was so embarrassing. You cleared your throat and looked away.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm just really tired today..." He smiled at you warmly, and you wanted to punch yourself for not getting him something, anything.

"That's great!" You gave him a confused look, and he bit his lip nervously while scratching the back of his head. He was so cute you could kiss him. Well to be fair you felt like you could kiss him any time. Why...why did you have to forget that bloody gift...

"I mean it's not great that you're tired... It's just… ah, shit I suck at this. Here." He handed you a plastic card, and you read it absolutely puzzled. Lifetime pass for coffee with Jaebeom — it also had a cute chibi character that looked just like Def, except it had some cat ears.

"Now you can get coffee whenever you want. I mean I know you can have it whenever you want anyway, I just thought that maybe you'd like someone to get it with... I mean get it for you… It's ok if you don't like it really, oh by the way I'm Jaebeom, I don't know if I already told you my real name or not…" he was rambling, and you were screaming inside your head. That was so cute. So kind. You wanted to hug him and kiss him so badly. "Ah, shit. I really do suck at this." he said more to himself than to you. You finally looked at him and grinned.

"I love it." you said and his eyes turned into big orbs before light pink colored his cheeks.

"You do?"

"I do. It's a perfect gift." you smiled, your heart swelled with happiness. You could technically go on a date with him whenever you felt like with this handy piece of plastic. That is if he wouldn't start to hate you in the next few minutes for forgetting his present.

"I'm glad." he grinned and it took your breath away. How come he was so perfect? You got even more nervous looking at the gift from him.

"Ah... I was your not so secret Santa as well…" you started.

"Really? So what did you get me?" he was genuinely interested, and you wanted to go back in time and kill yourself for forgetting about this party. You looked up. His eyes were gleaming with curiosity — you were fucked.

"It's me! I'm your gift!" you joked and looked down to cover your nervousness. You were about to say that it was just a stupid joke and apologize before he spoke up.

"I love it." his voice was deeper than normally, and you looked up shocked by it. He was checking you out, his hungry eyes traveling up and down. You've never seen him like that. You could feel warmth spreading on your cheeks under his intense stare, a tight knot forming somewhere near your core in excitement.

"Y-you do?" your voice faltered, and he chuckled while moving closer to you. He smelled musky with a hint of citrus. Your legs were about to collapse under you.

"I do." he hummed he was so close you could feel the warmth radiating from him. His hand brushed against yours as he bent down to reach your ear. You were sure your skin was burning where he touched you. "So, tell me Y/N, when can I unwrap you?" his tone was dark and dangerous and when he straightened up you've seen this gleam in his eyes as he smirked. Your legs felt like made from putty and you'd collapse if his hand weren't already wrapped around your waist. You couldn't believe it was happening. Your heart was beating so hard it was about to spring off your chest — you were wondering if he could hear it. You certainly could even though blood ringed in your ears. You felt your throat going dry and your panties getting moist.

"Def…" you started weakly. Shocked by your own voice — it sounded so needy.

"Call me Jaebeom.." he purred. "Would you like to go to my place? I don't think I can wait any longer to enjoy my gift…" You quavered from excitement, his voice was laced with a promise of sleepless night.

"Yes, let's go." you said and he smiled at you. You were sure you lost any oxygen you still had in your lungs at that moment. His hand left your waist, and you wanted to catch it and wrap yourself with it again. Instead, he grabbed your hand and interlocked your fingers with his, smiling at you sweetly before he led you outside. You couldn't focus on anything else, but his fingers wrapped around yours. His hand was warm, and he held you firmly, his skin soft and delicate. You managed to quickly catch a taxi and through whole drive Jaebeom's hand lazily travelled up and down your thigh. His gentle fingers sending sparks to your core every time he brushed the inside of your leg. You glanced at him, eyes filled with desire — he shivered, and it made you feel a different kind of excitement — you didn't know that you had this kind of effect on him. You got out of the taxi and his hand was instantly on yours, he was almost dragging you skipping every other step as he rushed upstairs to his apartment. He opened the door and let you in. Immediately three cats came in and brushed against your legs. You smiled softly.

"They like you.." Jaebeom murmured against your neck while taking off your coat for you, you gasped at the feeling, and he released low chuckle before he started planting soft kisses against your neck — each time his lips touched your skin your muscles clenched with anticipation. You couldn't wait any longer. You turned around and looked at him, his eyes were glued to your lips and excitement bubbled somewhere below your stomach.

"I waited so long for this..." he started but never got to finish as your lips were on his in a second. Even his lips felt like cotton, and you sighed against him when he kissed you back. He was clearly enjoying slow kisses. You grew impatient once again and licked his lower lip, he gave you access you asked for, and your tongue brushed against his hungrily. You could already feel how wet you were, arousal making your panties stick to you painfully. Jaebeom's hand travelled around your back dropping dangerously low now and then but never grabbing you — you really wanted him to hold you and take you roughly. Once again you grew impatient this night. You took his lower lip in between your teeth, you bit it hard and moaned. That seemed to make him lose his cool, he let out a growl that travelled straight to your core.

"Bad girl..." he said before he turned you around and pushed you against the wall so that your back was facing him. His tongue already on your earlobe, you sighed and shivered when he licked it and let out breaths against wet, sensitive skin. "I wanted to take it slowly, but you're so eager, so impatient…" he was purring into your ear, and you were aching down there more and more with each syllable.

"Jaebeom..." you moaned as you pressed your ass against him. He sucked some breath in when you pushed down against his hard length, his body working on its own accord, one hand already on your hips pressing you harder when the other one cupped your breast. This is not how he envisioned tonight, he thought that he'd at best confess his feelings not have you here crumbling in his hands while moaning his name. Your hips bucked against his by itself as soon as you felt how hard he was. His hand grabbed your clothed breast, and you regretted wearing anything. You wanted to feel him against you naked skin not through layers of clothing.

"Jaebeom-ah..." you moaned his name again, and he rewarded you with sucking on your neck — it was painful yet pleasant, and you almost forgot what you wanted to say before he licked the fresh mark and kissed it. "Didn't you say you wanted to unwrap me?" You said in weak voice still affected by his mouth on your neck. He laughed against your skin, and you thought that's how paradise would sound like.

"You really are impatient... do you want me to fuck you so bad?" he asked rubbing into you, his dick almost in pain from the friction.

"Yes...please..." you panted out, and he let out some animalistic sound upon hearing how needy you were. He made you face him and unbuttoned your tuxedo-like-dress before he tossed it somewhere behind him. You shivered under his stare. He pulled you into him and his hands immediately travelled to your ass, grabbing it and lifting you up without effort. He began kissing your jaw, neck, collarbones, and you tilted your head, so he could have better access. He carried you to his bedroom and laid you down carefully on the mattress before he took a step back. His sheets smelled just like him, and you sighed in pleasure, sinking deeply into his fragrance. He bit his lip seeing you in his bed, wearing nothing but lacy underwear. However, you didn't want just lay and wait, you got up and reached out to his own shirt undoing the buttons hastily, but he didn't let you, he was in control. He held your hands and pushed you back on bed. You bounced and your hair created a sort of crown, spreading around your face — it emphasized your features even more, and Jaebeom felt as if he was making love to some kind of goddess. Your lips, eyes, hair, body everything was perfect. He wanted to taste you already.

"You need to ask me nicely." He smirked at you and you pouted a bit before a mischievous gleam appeared in your eyes. You let one of the straps fall from your shoulder and gave him an innocent look before taking off the other one as well. Just one move and Jaebeom would see your torso naked. He bit his lip unintentionally, when you pushed your breast closer while also moaning.

"Pleeeaaase... undress already and fuck me... daddy." He groaned - you'd be the end of him. He quickly tore any clothes that were on him leaving only his boxers on, and you stared him down hungrily. Saying he was beautiful was and understatement. He was perfect. His skin was light and smooth, it gleamed in the moonlight that illuminated the room through a small window located right above the headboard. It was still dim, but you could clearly see the outline of muscles on his stomach, and a tempting v line, waiting for you to be licked on his abdomen.

"Take off your bra." he ordered and you obediently followed. His eyes devoured your glistening breasts, two darker beads already hard and inviting him in. He licked his thumb and brushed it against your nipple watching intently for your reaction. You didn't disappoint him as you arched your back hungry for his touch. He took another one into his mouth, his tongue making circles around it for what felt like forever. The sound of his wet licks and your quickened breath feeling the silence of the room. You squeezed your legs looking for any kind of release, it didn't help much. Your core was aching and since you could only wait for him to bring you pleasure you closed your eyes and focused only on the sole path of his tongue. It was almost like a torture and Jaebeom seemed to enjoy it greatly, lazy licks, circles around your nipples, blowing cold air on them to hear your whines. And so when he finally sucked on your swollen nipple you moaned his name so loudly his neighbors could hear you. His dick twitched in his boxers. He couldn't wait for much long either, you were the most beautiful person he ever saw, and you were squirming under him, waiting for him to fuck you. He was honestly shocked he didn't take you against that wall in his hall when you pushed your ass against him. He smirked at you, he haven’t even fucked you yet and you were already having this kind of expression. His lips travelled from your breast lower and lower before his face hovered above your panties, hot breath on your wet, clothed pussy sending you almost over the edge. You looked down at him, his eyes were full of lust. He was so beautiful you felt like it was just a dream, not reality. When he pressed his nose against your wet folds you moaned again. He inhaled it a few times as if it was the most ravishing smell in the world.

"You smell so good I might go crazy." He actually was going crazy as his cock let out a bit of pre-cum only upon him smelling your pussy.

"Daddy... please..." you pleaded looking him in the eyes, he couldn't take it any longer. In one swift move he tore the panties off you, they were soaked, and he sniffed them one last time before throwing them out.  He took off his own underwear, and knelt between your legs his cock in his hand already.

"You're so wet for me. Such a good girl, I'm going to fuck you so good." he purred out, and you could go off his words only. He put on condom quickly and teased your entrance before sliding into you slowly. He was watching your face intently as he didn't want to cause you pain.

"Just don't move for a second, you're so big I need to get used to the stretch." It was painful a and pleasant at the same time - the way he filled you up. He didn't buck his hips as you asked, instead he kissed your lips, your jaw, neck, and you kissed him back with passion. Soon he started rocking into you and you moaned into his mouth.

"Harder." you managed to say between the panting and kissing. He straightened up and increased the tempo, sweat building on his forehead.

"Harder..." you said and his hand went to your throat while he almost crushed into you. He choked you lightly, and you felt the orgasm building already.

"Daddy... harder..."

"You dirty girl. On all fours." You obediently followed his order and soon he was fucking you doggy style, his hand spanking you lightly. "You like that? You like when daddy takes you hard?" His voice was so low you shivered under him.

"Yes, daddy." you moaned out when his huge dick filled you with each thrust.

"You're so dirty and good to your daddy. I will reward you and play with your other hole." Before you could say anything he spat on your ass and his finger danced around the other entrance. Just that was enough for you to see white. Your toes curled and your head went back, you screamed his name like it was the only thing keeping you alive, and you could feel how he twitched inside you when you clenched around him in orgasm spasm.

"Y/N, ah... I'm cumming, I'm…" he said through gritted teeth while pounding into you. You both reached your highs and fell onto the bed. He discarded the condom and started kissing your back lazily.

"Do you want to shower together?" he asked.

"Yes, but I don't think I have enough energy to go for another round…" you said while turning his way. He was looking at you lovingly, his expression completely fucked out. He was beautiful, the most handsome you've ever seen him actually. You sighed when his fingers brushed off hair from your face in sweet gesture.

"That's ok, I'll just shower you and we can go to sleep." You nodded, and he took your hand and guided you to his bathroom. He switched on the shower and pulled you under the water when it was warm already. He was so delicate with you, soaping your body, shampooing your head. You smiled at him warmly, and he chuckled.

"You're really cute." he said with a smile after making and weird shapes out of your shampooed hair.

"Stop it, I'll blush." you said while getting under the water, he was quickly spooning you, kissing your back almost with devotion.

"Good, you're even cuter when you blush."

You both towelled yourself dry and Jaebeom even brushed your hair for you before pulling you back to bed. You cuddled your face into his chest and he closed his arms around you. You didn't know if it was one-night stand only, but you'd worry about your possibly broken heart in the morning since his scent was already inviting you to the dreamworld.

You woke up to some rumbling. You opened your eyes and shot up, fear washing over you — that wasn't your bedroom. Memories of last night came next, and you fell back to the sheets squealing quietly into his pillow. That's when the realization hit you. What if it was just one-night stand, and you were rolling around his bed happily in love like an idiot? You sighed but before you could do anything, the man in question came to the bedroom smiling at you warmly.

"You finally woke up sleepyhead." He sat next to you and bend down to kiss your cheek. You looked down. "What's wrong? Have I done something?" He looked concerned.

"I.. no." You said sitting up, and he raised his brow on you. Ugh, he was looking great wearing a plain gray hoodie. You sighed.

"Was that one just for one night? If it was a one-night stand tell me now before I do something stupid."

"One-night stand?" He looked at you offended. "One-night stand?! Do you even know for how long I've been crushing on you? It was few years of my desperate attempts to ask you out, buying you coffee, looking for you constantly. Hell, I even made Yugyeom exchange the stupid lottery draw with me, so that I could give you that card. I actually thought that would helped me out with asking you out. One-night stand?! Jesus, Y/N, he made me basically his slave for a day, and you're asking me if it's one-night stand?" He was angry, and you looked at him shocked, you have never seen him like that. "Do you want this to be one-night stand?!" he raised his voice again.

"No!" you answered him immediately.

"No?! Great, then you can... wait you said no?" He cleared his throat, and you could actually see him smiling like an idiot before he cleared it again. "Well… good because I made us lunch already, and it would go to waste otherwise." He tried to act cool. You giggled at him and pushed him down before sitting on top of him.

"You're cute." You said and he blushed looking away.

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. You are the cutest actually." He groaned in response getting even more red, and you giggled once again. It was the first time you got him to blush so much, usually it was just light pink appearing on the apples of his cheeks. You kissed his face leaving pecks all over it, he chuckled before speaking again.

"I don't want this to be one-night stand. I like you I was actually planning on asking you out yesterday."

"You were?"

"I was. So would like to go out with me?" he wiggled his brows at you and you grinned before nodding.

"Mmm. I'd love to." you answered and he pulled you for a lazy kiss.

"Come, I prepared some food for you. It's hardly festive, but it's something"

"I'm sure it's great. I just need to put something on myself first."

"You can have my hoodie and sweats." he said while looking through his cabinet. "Here." He handed you clothes and blushed once again mumbling that he will wait for you in the kitchen. He got embarrassed — that was just too cute.

You slipped in his clothes, his smell wrapping around you. You got out of the bedroom only to be greeted by three cats purring and brushing against your legs. You smiled and petted them, scratching them on their chins. Jaebeom was just standing and staring at you, still not believing his luck. You were wearing his blouse, it was hanging on you like a dress basically and his heart ached at this picture. You looked up and grinned.

"They like me!"

"I'm pretty sure they're going to like you more than they like me." He chuckled. "Now come, let's eat."

You nodded and entered his kitchen, there was kimchi jjigae and rice prepared for both of you. You smiled and sat down already salivating because of the delicious smell.

"Merry Christmas Y/N." He said looking up from his dish.

"Merry Christmas Jaebeom." You smiled at him lovingly. "So what did Yugyeom made you do?"

"Don't even ask." He said and you giggled. Let's just say you didn't get to spend the Christmas break alone in the bed like you wished.

[ctrlaltentreat]

the bread of enlightenment

you may be wondering why i haven’t been so active on here lately. see, i’ve been going through some changes... working on some personal things, and i would like to share my experience with you today. maybe you can take away something useful from it.

it was a dreary monday morning, walking around the office park. i was thinking about a lot of things... for the first time ever really. i heard of people doing this whole “introspecting” thing before but i never really got it. but anyway i was thinking about things such as... what is the purpose of life? what comes after death? why did God give us bread if it makes us fat? I was so tired of my keto diet. how little i knew then. how stupid, how small-minded i was. suddenly... there was a rustling in the bushes. i thought it was my drunk boss again.

what would occur over the next few hours, some of which are now a blur, would become the strangest, most life-altering experiences of my life.

i woke up in a dark room. i was strapped... like literally strapped. i was understandably wondering to myself, where the fuck did i get all these guns? i thought, crap, did i get kidnapped by the NRA again? 

a figure stepped into the light. “you can get rid of the guns, that was just a power play.” 

“it was a power play to give... me the guns?” 

“yes antiNY, you’re beginning to see it now.” 

“who... who is antiny?”

“it is your new name. you see ANTIny, i’ve been watching you from afar.” 

i knew it. i had felt like i was being watched, ever since... the Storm... sometimes i’d come home at night and all the lights would be out. i would hear these faint whispers in the wind, a smell of warm yeast... it freaked me the hell out. it felt like the Carb Devil was after me.

the words he spoke next enraptured me.

he said “son, in life, sometimes, there are certain sacrifices we have to, make. sometimes, we have to give up something, we love, in order to achieve a higher purpose. i see that you are on a wrong, path. cutting out bread won’t make that, cute himbo in accounting want to fuck you.”

wow... he really had been watching me. it all made so much sense. it felt like he knew me better than i knew myself.

by this time the Doctor had walked away. i heard some clanging sounds, almost like a pan being taken out of an oven.

“who... are you?”

“who am i? Ha! whoo ammm I! my silly boy, that is not important now. all the answers to your questions will be revealed in due time. now,

it is time, 

to begin, 

your 

initiation.”

i barely had time to wonder why he was taking a ten second pause between each word when he whipped out... the bread suit.

i was horrified. 

"now... you will begin to see the light.”

“no! i can’t! i’ve worked so hard to stay in ketosis!”

“i made it, special for you AnTinY, your very own bun cage.”

“nooooooooooooooooo!”

this is where things start to get fuzzy. i was so desperate, i thought, i could never kill anyone... but i couldn’t go through keto flu again. i tried every gun, but they were all made of cake. i slunk down into the corner of the room, writhing. i felt like i was being smothered by an evil pillsbury doughboy. 

i blacked out.

next thing i knew, i was in the bun suit, hurdling towards my death.

i remember getting this strange feeling as a kid when i watched the birds by andrew hickock. watching the birds attack all those funny speaking, modestly dressed people made me shiver. sure, that would be scary to anyone. but no, i felt this on a spiritual level. somehow he could tell just by looking at the back of my head, my grandpa said to me, “watch out son, thats gonna be you some day.” i thought he was just trying to scare me. i didn’t know what he meant until now.

“now aNtIny, you will begin to see the lesson, the beauty. you must not only think of yourself and your puny desires, but think of, the Birds.” 

I thought no, not today. i’m not gonna die. i should have accepted a membership to the NRA. 

i tucked and rolled out of the car. and kept rolling. the fucking bread buns made me bounce and fly like a loose tire on a racetrack. after what seemed like hours, i landed on the beach. i learned a lesson that day alright: you can’t escape your fate.

but you can put on a bread suit, and that way the sea gulls will be so occupied with the sweet, sweet bread that they’ll forget the mission they’ve been sent on to assassinate one of the future’s most dangerous political opponents. that’s right. i’m (redacted).

after a stay at the hospital and some physical therapy i made a full recovery.  i have never felt more free than i did that day. and its all because of CULT. they quite literally, and figuratviely, saved my life. did you get weird, haunting feelings as a kid that seem to point to a greater destiny? are you stuck on the pointless hamster wheel of death? are you looking for protection? from ted cruz?

sometimes, i feel............................... yeah.

a few months later, i was walking through the office park again getting ready to quit my job and join my CULT comrades on the conquest for bread... just then, i heard a voice come out from behind the bushes... or was it the clouds...

“i told you son.”

“grandpa!?”

--

thank you for hearing my story. i hope you will strongly consider the words you heard with your earholes to think about it with your brainmeat today please consider joining CULT today. all personal lessons the Doctor gives you are individualized, i just happened to have this bread obsession... but, he already knew that, didn’t he... that son of a gun. anyway, anticentrism ⚑

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pevUK8Ftms8&t=2s

[cheelduh]

How to bet your way into someone’s heart. (Highschool AU)

Pairing: Childe x fem!reader

Warnings: Fake weed. Poor Signora smh. Oh yes, lots of swearing. UNEDITED ASF IM LAZY BYE.

Synopsis: Childe is being an infatuated idiot, Lisa has eyes for vending machine chocolate, and Kaeya is desperately in need of a pencil. With all these distractions, there’s no way in hell you’ll be able focus on the task at hand.

This is crack.

I don’t have time.

You think as you race down the hallway, shoes slapping against the floor as you expertly dodge multiple students in your way.

Bullet. You're as fast as a bullet, because everyone around you is a blur and you don't stop, can't stop, not until you meet your target.

It's funny how one can accomplish many challenges and feats they were unable to, merely due to pressure. Pressure is a twisted ugly thing that can gnaw its way into the pit of your stomach and grow like a parasite. Pressure is a parasite that can either bring the best in you, or the worst, but at the cost of one's peace of mind.

"Move it Signora!" You shouted a warning at the senior blocking your way. There wasn't any time for you slow down at that point, and you'd risk bumping into the breakfast club's stall if you swerved to the side, sending juice flying everywhere.

Signora's eyes widened momentarily, getting the gist albeit her anger, and choosing to back up flatly against the locker.

Her lipstick nearly slips from her fingers as you swerve past, a thick gust of wind in your wake.

It messes with the hair she woke up two hours early for.

Signora plots her revenge. You still don't have time.

You nearly kick the door to your home room down, but you can't risk the perfect image your teachers have of you. So you pat down your t-shirt, take five tempting deep breaths, and tentatively knock the door.

The door opens and you're met with a young man, familiar amber pupils welcoming you.

You try not to huff and puff at the cost of your stamina. Thinking back, there's no way in hell you could have physically been that fast.

"Good morning Y/N," Your homeroom teacher gives you a small smile, moving aside to let you in. "Class is just about to start."

You check your watch, then turn to him with an apologetic tone, trying not to crack under the eyes of your classmates. "I'm so sorry Mr.Zhongli, I slept through my alarm."

Your idiot ass forgot to set one because you studied till four in the morning.

"You're like thirty seconds late, cut the shit." Beidou boos from the back, causing your stance to stiffen.

"I don't wanna hear it Beidou. If anything, you're two periods earlier than usual." Ningguang calls her out for you, but you have a feeling it's more so on behalf of a personal vendetta.

Ignoring the two bickering, Mr.Zhongli gives you the handout. "Take a seat. Do not fret over such minuscule things dear."

Relief washes over you. Your impeccable attendance is not on the line.

Childe tries to flag you down next to him but you send him a pointed glare and sit next to Lisa instead.

"You should give him a chance you know." Lisa doesn't even have to open her eyes to know what's going on.

"Please," You scoff, digging through your bags to collect your notes. "As if I have the time to fool around with a shady kid like him."

Your friend sighs in disapproval, and makes no move to take out her own notes as Mr.Zhongli begins the lecture on the Archon war.

"You should really pay attention." It bothers you that she doesn't, but then again it's not your place to tell her what to do or not to do.

"I don't need to." She yawns, blinking an eye open towards you. "I have you after all."

"I'm tired of saving your ass." You groan and pull a pen out of your pocket to get started on the exercises as Mr.Zhongli talks in the background.

The course outline contained all the topic, and you made sure to teach yourself as much as you could before class to stay ahead.

Immersed in the worksheet, you blinked away your sleep and tried to answer as many questions as you could at the moment. You didn't hear the slight shift next to you, and the change of breathing, or the rate of which time went by.

A familiar scent makes its way into your nostrils.

"Lisa. Why do you smell like mango juul juice." You know the scent from when Signora blew a mango flavoured fog in your face yesterday at lunch when you said you were hungry.

A chuckle erupts and you freeze in place. "That's because I'm not Lisa."

You blink. Once, twice, and then crane your head to the side to meet a pair of teasing cerulean eyes.

Fingers loosening in shock, the pen drops on the desk with a short thud.

You whisk your head towards the front of the classroom, and Mr.Zhongli is nowhere to be seen.

"There's no saving you now." Childe's smirk widens, and he scoots closer to you. "Mr.Zhongli had to get something from the staff room. The staff room is near the cafeteria."

"Which is also near the merch stall." You grumbled, bringing both hands to massage your temples as a headache is beginning it's reign.

"Tsk tsk. Smart girl. I'd like to add that he's forgotten his wallet in his office as well, which is in the south wing."

"Son of a..." You mutter underneath your breath, and opt to scoot further back, but your efforts are futile because your desk is in a corner.

Your next beacon of hope is Lisa, so you scan the room full of chattering students, only to find her pestering her crush, Jean.

Shit...there's nothing getting you out of this one.

"What did it take?" Is your only question, the despair starting to brew. How much did it take for your best friend to betray you?

"A dollar and fifty for vending machine chocolate."

You take a moment to breathe, calming your nerves and burying down the urge to screech. "What will it take?"

"For what?" Childe replies back innocently, and you can't believe how fast he can change masks. You almost give in.

"For you to leave me alone."

"Aww come on girlie," He whines, closing in the distance. "Don't be so cold."

What did your mom tell you that one time? Oh yes. That if you were ever backed against a wall, then just break the damn thing down.

Too bad it's figurative. You're just about ready to sock him in the face if you didn't know he was into that sort of thing.

"I'm serious about you," He says, and it sounds so real, so genuine, nearly makes you sputter. "See? I've even bought school supplies.

He unzips his light backback and spills the contents on the table.

A lone piece of paper flies out, a lighter, and a mechanical pencil with no lead that follows straight after. There's also a pocket knife that you choose to ignore.

You're not the least bit surprised.

"First of all, how the fuck are you passing this class. Second, do you really think I'm into nerds?"

"Well, considering that you are a nerd—"

"You're making things worse."

"My bad, my bad." He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "But on a serious note. I'll do anything."

You cross your arms. "I'm not just another one of your conquests Childe. It's not like I have the time. There are better things to do."

"You need to relax." He says so simply, with complete disregard as to what you are trying to say.

"I am relaxed." You reply, picking up your pen to continue your work. If he's going to annoy you, then you might as well get shit done while he's at it.

You're not wasting any more time.

"When was the last time you got a full eight hours of sleep?" His voice is soft, too soft, and it's not at all like the Childe you know.

Your pen stops momentarily, but you will yourself to continue writing. The words look fumbled, but you don't care. The best thing to do is get your work done and ignore the idiot next to you.

"C'mon, Zhongli won't be back for another half an hour at least. Let's go." He kicks the bottom of your chair to urge you.

The pen shakes in your hand, and you narrow your eyes at the paper, digging holes into poor question eight. "I'm trying to work here. Let me work." You'll say anything to get him off your back.

"Fine fine fine..." He raises both hands in mock surrender. "I'll stop bothering you."

Your ears perk up at that, and you turn to him so fast he has to hold in his laugh. "Really?"

"Yeah," Childe nods along, bringing your hopes up. "If you win a bet, that is." And they're back to ocean level.

You roll your eyes. There's always a catch. That doesn't mean you're any less interested.

"What's the bet?" You ask curiously, all your focus now on him. Just as he longed for from the very start.

He flicks a thumb towards the door, leaning closer to whisper next to your ear. "We bet when Zhongli comes back."

"Are you kidding me?" You aren't bothered at all at the close proximity, mainly because you're too tired and only care about the freedom that will come with your win.

Childe, however, is a completely different story. His heart is beating a thousand times a second, but his face doesn't show it. Not one bit.

Kaeya leans in from the seat behind you two, interested in what's going on. "Ooooh secrets."

"Shut up Kaeya." Childe and you monotonously drone in sync, still having your little staring contest.

The captain of the skating team smiles, about to ask—

"No. We don't have an extra pencil. Even if we did we wouldn't give it to you." Childe finally breaks his gaze to scare off Kaeya.

Kaeya raises a smug brow, and leans back in his chair like the jerkwad he is. "Then don't let me keep you two love birds."

That's all it takes for him to earn Childe's unwavering respect and loyalty for as long as he lives.

After the two are done creating an elaborate handshake as a mark of their newfound friendship, you decide to just forget about the handout. It's not like you're getting anything done anyways.

"Anyways, back to the bet." Childe says, resting his cheek on his fist as he stares at you dreamily. You try not to break under his gaze.

"If I win, you have to go on a date with me."

"No way in hell—"

"Then I'll bother you for the rest of highschool."

Highschool is eternity. You don't want to live through an eternity of this.

"Fine." You answer, and for the first time he sees genuine fear in your face, it makes him waver slightly. Not enough for him to pity you.

"If I win..." You trail, thinking loud and clear as you ignore the excited chatter of your classmates. "I want you to pay attention to class."

"What?" He exclaims incredulously, blinking in disbelief. "I thought you'd get me to stop talking to you altogether."

"If you're paying attention in class, you don't bother me as much and your grades go up." You grin smartly, and oh archons it livens his entire day up, and it's only nine in the morning.

"You care about my grades?" Childe bites back a smile.

"Not at all." You lie, and quickly look away. Woah the floor tile looking trippy.

He decides it's better to get on with the bet without causing you any more distress. After all, you've given him such cute facial expressions today. He's feeling quite generous.

Pulling out his cracked-as-shit latest model phone, he unlocks it and tinkers with it a bit before turning the screen towards you.

"We'll be using this to time both of our predictions at the same time. Whoever has the closer time to when he finally swings by is the winner." The rules are simply put, no room for error.

You tilt your head in confusion. "Why am I seeing a slime review?"

"SHIT!" Childe fumbles with his phone, aggressively tapping on the screen. He lowers his head and voice as if he's been through fifty consecutive hits in the face. "It's uh, Teucer's account."

"Yeah...okay." Is all you can say.

"Ok what do you bet?" He changes the topic to unfuck the situation.

Putting a finger in your chin, you think for a minute, calculating the average of all the times Mr.Zhongli has left the classroom for a considerable amount of time.

"Fifteen minutes." You're sure of it. It's like clockwork every day.

"Hmm..." Childe crosses his arms, seemingly in deep thought. "Five minutes." He places his bet, and both timers start simultaneously.

Five minutes?! Is he serious?

You laugh inwardly. This challenge is in the bag.

The sense of victory you feel dulls when your ears pick up the echo of footsteps nearing the classroom.. Both your heads snap up to the doors.

There's something scary about Childe once his competitive side comes out. "Looks like I've won." He turns to you, eyes darkening evilly.

"What? There's no way in hell a ginger is right." Your palms are clammed up, eyebrows furrowed in panic. You calculated every single variable, how could this be?

You race to the front, Childe right on your tail as the entire class clamps up. The footsteps get louder, causing even whispers to become total silence.

Then it hits you. The shitty music about getting bitches and bars playing on the other side.

The door is swung open by Childe, and you're face to face with an idiot sophomore with a speaker in his pocket.

Childe’s grin is long gone, and you sigh in relief.

The false alarm encourages the class to return back to their idle chatter.

"Scaramouche?" Childe spits, narrowing his eyes at the unamused boy. "I thought it was Signora's shift today."

By "shift" he means being a complete dickwad and scamming fake weed to students in return for their souls. It only really works on the freshmen.

The only reason the club still runs is because Signora threatened the principal with some sus pictures she snapped of him and his assistant.

"Apparently she had an emergency." Scaramouche explains, lowering the volume on his outdated beats pill. "Something about a hair appointment because she got ran into by a, and I quote "lecherous imbecile.""

You steer clear of the conversation, finding the whiteboard far more fascinating and worth your while.

A loud cough is heard from behind the kid, and you're met with a crestfallen look on your beloved teacher's face.

You go through a whiplash of emotions, becoming completely numb towards your loss.

"They were out of slow cooked bamboo shoot soup." He sighs, handing a stack of papers to Childe, who is wearing the fattest smirk on his face at his victory. "Please hand these out to your classmates Childe, and we will begin shortly."

You check down at the timer despite knowing who’s won. Five minutes and twenty five seconds. Somehow, you don't feel as dejected as you thought you'd feel.

Maybe the date will be fun. Maybe Childe isn't so bad. Maybe...you do have time to indulge in these sort of things. If he’s so hell bent on getting your attention, perhaps it’s possible that you can make some room in your heart for him.

However, all those thoughts fly out the window when Childe hands you the new worksheet.

“I hope you're ready for our date tomorrow. We'll be sparring till sundown, and after you’ll be feeding me with chopsticks." He winks, and it makes your heart flip even though all you want right now is to go to the bathroom and barf your guts out.

Feelings are complicated.

You smile back at him nauseously, tight lipped and all, then you pull out your phone, go on maps, and search for the closest cliffs to jump off of.

After he's done, Childe slouches back in his original seat with a different kind of enthusiasm, and opens up his messages. He texts Zhongli a "thank you <3".

[stilemawillow]

Thank you for replying :') I'm not sure if you have rules for requests? But if this is okay with you, can I request some Levi x reader when one of them does something embarrassing but cute? Crack! Thank you wuuuuvs 🥺

yes, i do take requests but i do them slowly so sorry for that, i typed down a short drabble (1.6k words, kind of got out of hand lol), hope you still like it. also i was brainstorming the embarrassing but cute thing for like ten minutes, i completely blanked lol

............................................................................

It was late, the Survey Corps had had a celebratory gathering in honour of their last remotely successful mission - if nothing else in regards to the few casualties. The cadets were awarded some time off and a bigger meal than usual and the superiors had waited for them to depart so they could spoil themselves with a bit of their alcohol reserve.

The Commander hadn’t set a curfew for them but many left after a glass or two, too tired to stay and knowing they’d still have work the next day. The others - meaning (Y/N), Hanji and Nanaba - were having fun, being loud and, as all three would say - living life to their best. The only left was Levi Ackerman, who stayed in the beginning and spend just a little time with the females before deciding to spare his eardrums some of the raucous torture.

He’d gone on a walk around the HQ to let the pleasant warmth of the alcohol in the crevice of his ribcage fade. He’d always had a high tolerance, thus why drinking was a complete waste of time to him - he’d drain the whole reserve in order to feel anything out of the ordinary or, as Hanji and (Y/N) often described - a disconnection between his brain and body so strong he acted on nothing but his instincts.

The clock was pointing at one past midnight and he was sure there was anybody awake but him. He decided, since he doubted sleep would come to him tonight, to pass by the mess hall to make himself a cup of tea and clean up after the loud drunkards in the meantime.

Except the mess hall still had one inhabitant, in the face of Squad Leader (Y/N) (L/N), or, to Levi, the human embodiment of weird. She’d been his comrade for about five years now and were considered close; she’d made it a point to breach his walls like a firing cannon and he’d struggled to fight her off for a while but he didn’t hate her completely - never had and never thought he would - and so he let her in eventually. Their relationship was simple and platonic, maintain the opposite as Hanji might.

Levi and (Y/N) regarded it as exchanging favours, with silence on his side and loud persistence on hers to make up for it. There was understanding too. He’d often fancied the idea of murdering Hanji in cold blood for pointing out a bit too much his habitual proclivity to let (Y/N) touch him and sometimes, touch her back. She was somebody who didn’t mind rumours and didn’t find use in wasting her energy debunking them, so there had been an established routine between them - she could touch him when nobody was looking. The routine was set in stone around the time she found out he didn’t scream at her too much when she did it in front of others too.

Tonight, (Y/N)’s drinking had gotten a bit out of hand, because she was leaning against one of the tables, cursing at an empty bottle and swaying just a bit. Levi approached her and had just cleared his throat when her shoulders jumped and she almost tripped when turning to look at him.

“Can you even get to your room in this condition?” His question was reasonable but what he didn’t know was that she didn’t have the mental capacity to process it. Or him.

“’m in perrrrfect condition. I can go to the moon too.” Her eyes were narrowed and the gaze in them - foggy. Levi gave a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose, then, pointedly as he could, reached out a hand to grab and stabilise her. “Ew, don’t touch me!” She slapped his fingers before they could even grab her, then he was left to blink at her disgusted expression.

“Come, we have to get you to bed.” He was talking boredly, like a grown person explaining 1+1 to a child. Her brows furrowed and she moved away from him but the look in her eyes didn’t clear up.

“Bed? You want me in bed? Well, I say no because I don’t want bed and you. I want somebody else. So fuck off and leave me alone.” She’d royally cussed him out and he’d almost gotten tired of her bullshit when she reached for the empty bottle of the table and began sadly scrutinising the few drops inside. After gulping them down, she decided it would be best to sit down and Levi, in turn, concluded he wouldn’t get his peace of mind if he didn’t force her into her room.

“I’m not leaving you alone because you’ll get hurt. Now come along.” He grabbed her arm and forced her off her ass, to which she frantically tried to shake his hold in vain. Once they were face to face, he felt she might just spit at him with how angry she looked and all.

“I tol’ you not to touch me!” She was hitting him across the chest and he was rolling his eyes at her antics - though he had no idea why she was acting like this now. He hadn’t seen her this drunk anyway. Hanji and Nanaba always took care of her when she was. And they always shared weird looks the morning after.

“You’re usually the one touching me.” His comment made her expression contort in confusion, like the idea of physical touch existing between them was unfathomable to her brain.

“Who? Me? Excuse you, I don’t---” She hiccuped and he was pulling her along - and he, very briefly thought that cute. “I touch only Levi. Because I like him.” His brows furrowed - this was a sudden confession, but so had been the first one. He was well aware (Y/N) held romantic feelings for him and she was well aware he returned them, except, he hadn’t reacted well to the idea of a relationship and they’d kept it down to being close friends instead.

“I like you too.” It was blurted out and composed, just a bit exasperated. She wasn’t telling him anything new but he was curious as to what had even made her do it tonight. And he thought, ever so optimistically, she might just not remember him saying it back the next morning - as he’d never worded it this straightforwardly.

“Why are you sayin’ ‘ too’? I’m not confessing to you and I don’t like you, I like Levi Ackerman, as in Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, as in the fucking love of my life.” She was tugging him back, or at least trying to since it wasn’t working and he kept dragging her down the hallway to the stairs. Her words were what made him halt. He was holding her and she’d told him he was the love of her life - now that was new - and she was talking like... he was a stranger.

“So who am I again?” His inquiry made her brows furrow, she snorted and hiccuped once more - he forced himself not to be distracted by that and the annoyingly cute way in which her nose was scrunched up in disgruntlement.

“From where the hell should I know? You’re a shady guy who keeps touching me and trying to get me in bed. Sorry, bud, not workin’. The only guy I’ll be beddin’ isn’t here right now.” She tugged on his arm once more, then he suggested that they went to him instead and she was quite pleased to hear that. “Or I could go m’self.” Her suggestion was followed by a sneeze, then she was rubbing her arm after he’d let go of it with a condescending look on his face. “You might not be aware but Levi’s tol’ me he likes me too and if he sees you tryin’ to abduct me he might just get angry and kick your face off.”

“I’d like to see that happen.” He was almost smirking at the index finger she was pointing in his direction, almost about to jab straight into his chest. She was frowning, ever so mighty whilst declaring that he - the man standing before her - would come along and beat himself up because she was so fucking wasted she couldn’t recognise him. Talk about disconnection between brain and body.

“If you don’t keep your han’s off me, it might. I’ll just call for him. He’ll beat you to a pulp.” Her arms were crossed in front of her chest and she was pouting now, mad but not that much and he was watching her recklessly trip on her way up the stairs. He gave her twenty minutes and made bets on whether she’d reach his room at all or not and lost when she was seen nowhere along the hallway passed out or whining.

She was snoring on his bed already and he took his time discarding her jacket and boots, then his own prior to entering his office and getting to work with one of the reports he had to write. It took him three hours to finally yawn, he joined (Y/N) on the bed and just barely rolled his eyes when she turned over in her sleep and began mumbling his name.

The morning after he woke up first and decided to enlighten her on the topic of what she’d done last night and why she’d woken up in his bed during breakfast. She went so red in the face it looked painful and Hanji, overhearing their conversation began laughing so hard she choked. Needless to say, (Y/N) gave up alcohol for a while and Levi made it a point to remind her why every time he caught her glancing longingly at the cellar. Not that he minded a confession from her once in a while, or those cute hiccups, or the simultaneous annoyance and amusement he felt at her inability to recognise him.