#anyways coping with adulthood once again

[cirkkaa]

sleepy

[finnbbl]

Hold onto me

Bang Chan Written

Prompt: With your stressful life, it wasn’t easy to find a healthy way to cope. When Chan finds you at your worst, he makes sure to let you know that you’ve always got him to hold onto.

Genre: Angst/Comfort

Gender Neutral Reader

- Warnings: Panic attacks, mention caffeine OD implied (if you squint) mentions of self harm, using excessive caffeine to cope, suicidal thoughts, i don’t think there’s any swearing?

- A/N: This was kind of a self comfort thing I wrote, but I know other people struggle with these types of things as well. I hope this can help someone out

- Requests: OPEN

Masterlist

Please read disclaimer in masterlist

*click*

The sound of yet another can being opened. Your fourth, fifth, sixth energy drink today. It was easy to lose count when your mind was in a constant haze of self-deprecation, insecurity, and loneliness. Why should you be feeling any of this? You had a loving and amazing boyfriend who would compliment and reassure you daily. There should be no reason or excuse for you to live this way.

However, you let your mind get the best of you.

You continued to down your next energy drink within 5 minutes, rubbing your forehead as you continued typing your essay for college. Life stressed you out. Once you graduated, you moved on. Moving on to adulthood, college, work, you name it. Along with all these struggles, something a little more positive wiggled into your life. Your boyfriend, Chan. He was the sweetest guy you could ask for. Nice, caring, handsome, selfless, you wouldn’t trade him for the world. Your first four years weren’t bad, a little bump here and there but nothing like high school had been. Chan had found out how hard it was for you as a teenager. He’d walked in on a close relapse but was able to stop and comfort you. Help you recover, and you did.

Well, sort of.

That’s what Chan thinks anyway. It wasn’t a total lie, it had been a clean recovery for the most part. But as college got harder, the workload got larger, your social life got worse, and all that work to get better quickly dissipated. Of course, you couldn’t let him know that. Remembering the look on his face when you had explained what you used to deal with, and what it caused you to do to yourself. It was something you couldn’t bear to see again. So, you kept it hidden.

You kept it hidden by coping with it differently. Once you realized your previous method of relapsing wouldn’t work anymore, you turned to caffeine. Your previous method involved physically scarring yourself, and you couldn’t hide it. Any caffeine you could find. Soda, coffee, tea, energy drinks. Anything that could take your mind away from the horrible thoughts that clouded your mind. So there you found yourself, sipping on your seventh one of the day. Then your eighth, your ninth, the numbers continue to increase. Proceeding to drink them like they were water, unaware of the severe health problems it could lead to. Or maybe you were aware, and just couldn’t bring yourself to care.

Bang Chan had no idea about it. It was something you could easily keep hidden by destroying the evidence. The empty cans and bottles weren’t hard to get rid of. And with your boyfriend having to stay later than usual to prepare for new comebacks, it was even easier.

You rubbed your eyes with your fingertips and yawned. The clock read 1:30 a.m. It was well after midnight, a time when most would be asleep, resting, and preparing to start their day tomorrow. However, it was a different story for you. Of course for Chan as well, although he had a different situation. Your fingers went away at the keys on your keyboard. You were determined to finish this essay, knowing you’d probably be assigned another one in a few days. Suddenly, your phone dinged. You groaned as annoyance began to flow through you. All you wanted to do was get this stupid schoolwork done and go to bed. As you were about to turn your phone on silent, something caught your eye. A notification from your friend group chat. All you could do was stare at the unopened message, watching as the amount of notifications suddenly began to get larger and larger. Some of your friends were interesting, definitely toxic but there were only a few you had left. In your eyes, it was better to have someone who treats you horribly, rather than having no one. You knew you shouldn’t, but your dying curiosity got the better of you. Next thing you knew, you were reading through several degrading comments.

All about you.

One of your friends had completely snapped at you. Half of your mutual friends had turned against you because of her twisted words. Suddenly, it was like you were frozen. Nothing felt real, and you weren’t a hundred percent sure of what was happening anymore. They were throwing insults at you left and right, and you were too exhausted to defend yourself. It wasn’t long before you zoned out, completely forgetting about the work in front of you. Letting all the negative and self-degrading insults cloud your mind. You began to bathe in self-doubt thanks to the toxicity. It had been like this for years, that one specific friend turning everyone in your life against you. It’d cause you to have an episode, she’d apologize and guilt trip you. And you somehow fell for it. Despite all this, you had a couple of friends who stuck by your side no matter what. Aware of how manipulative she could be, they understood and sympathized with you. This was how it always was. Constantly being drowned in school work and stress, your suffering continues to grow with the emotional abuse. Those thoughts were quickly interrupted as you saw headlights shine through the windows of the living room. Chan had arrived home.

The headlights soon flashed off. Only moments later did Chan slowly and cautiously open the front door. He attempted to keep the noise level down, expecting you to be asleep. Much to his surprise, you were at the dining table in front of your computer. “Baby, what are you still doing up?” He asked sweetly as he shut the front door, locking it back. “Oh, hey Chan. How was your day?” You asked him, completely ignoring his question. Taking another sip of your newly opened energy drink, your eyes didn't leave the screen. You wanted to get this over with and do your best to push out all the self-hatred that your friends dispersed into you.

His eyes briefly darted to the drink that sat on the table next to you, a tinge of worry shooting through him. It wasn’t unusual to find you up late, but it was currently almost 2 am. Doing his best to brush it off, he walked over and sat his things on the kitchen counter. “Not sure how well you’ll sleep with that caffeine in your system.” He said in a joking manner, but also in hopes of bringing you to your senses. Nothing else was said, silence painted the room with only the sound of your typing. He glanced over at the screen, seeing the endless pages of words, that’s when Chris began to wonder…

“How long have you been working on that? Maybe I can help you so you can get to bed soon.” Chan said as he walked over next to you. He put one hand on the back of your chair and his other on the table, leaning down to get a better view of the computer. It was clear he was concerned. “It’s fine, Channie. I’ll get it done within the next uhhh.. couple hours?” He was in disbelief at what he was hearing. Although you stayed up late, you never slept after 12:30. The fact that you said you’d be done when it was nearing sunrise? It shocked him. “Maybe you should just finish this tomorrow, it’s getting late y/n-“

“I know it’s late, but I need this done tonight.” Cutting him off with a sharp tone and briefly looking up at him. He took a small step back at your sudden change. “Just go to bed, i’ll be there soon.” You turned back to your laptop, running your fingers through your hair. Chan could only stand there as he tried to process what had just happened. Sure you weren’t harsh, but you’d never talked to him like that before. After a few minutes, he decided he would clean up around the house a bit. With him being at work all the time, and you busy with college and your job, the house had collected more than dust. Chris already couldn’t sleep well, and knowing you were acting like this would have made resting impossible. He thought that keeping himself occupied until you were done would help. One by one, he went through every dirty dish, every dirty piece of laundry, and every dog toy scattered around from Berry who he now kept with you two. Over an hour had passed, and you still weren’t done. He wasn’t even sure that you realized he was still in the room.

Mutually, he hadn’t even noticed you had opened up two more energy drinks since he’d been here until he saw the cans on the table. He furrowed his eyebrows. One this late was one thing, but the two large-sized energy drinks afterward were another. Something about that irked him, he was big on health. However, he figured you’d had a long day, so he kept his mouth shut as he finished cleaning the house.

Then, his eye caught something.

The trash can. His mouth practically fell open when he saw it, shocked by the amount of empty bottles and cans. Just how much caffeine have you consumed today? Chan had many discussions with you about your health, it was one of the most important factors in life to him. And it was unusual for you not to take care of yourself, he wasn’t sure what to think.

“Y/N..“ he started and caught your attention. You hummed lowly in response, with only silence to follow. He was still in shock, he’d never expect someone like you to care so little about your health. His tongue dragged along the inside of his cheek, doing his best to keep calm. “Just how much caffeine have you had today..?” Chris asked you in a lecturing tone. You rubbed your forehead and sighed before briefly turning your swivel chair around to meet his eyes. “What?” Asking him as if you hadn’t heard. Your words were laced with annoyance, unaware of the events that were about to follow.

He couldn’t bring himself to answer you, only countering with another question of his own. “How many talks have we had about how important your health is?” Your boyfriend crossed his arms as you sighed once again. “I don’t see where you’re going with this.” He figured your head must have been too jumbled to pick up what he was putting down. Chan exhaled deeply as he pinched the bridge of his nose and squinted his eyes. Frustration nipped at him as he bit his tongue so he didn’t say something he’d regret. You were slowly pushing him over the edge.

“You know what, how about we put this away for the night so you can sleep.” The male had realized he was going to have to do more than just talk to get through to you. He thought that resorting to calmer words and taking more action would work. But before he could walk over and shut your laptop, you protested. “What? No, I need to get this done. I’m not finished.”

Chris bit the inside of his cheek and sighed heavily. “Again, go to bed and I’ll be there in a bit.” You continued before muttering something inaudible under your breath. It wasn’t long before your body was facing the computer once again. Anger and frustration began to course through him. What the hell had happened to you? Usually, you were calm and thought carefully about what you put in your body, but now you refused to even acknowledge that your health was declining. Not to mention, you’d gotten snappy with him. “Y/N, it is after 3 in the morning. I’m tired, I know you’re tired. Let’s go to bed and talk about this in the morning-“

“God Chan I do not need you lecturing me right now. I have shit to get done!” Cutting him off and whipping back around in your chair, you left him standing there dumbfounded. “For once, worry about yourself. I don’t need you standing over my shoulder telling me what to do.” The two of you locked eyes briefly. You don’t know what it was and what made you speak to him like that. Was it the stress? The caffeine? The self-hatred? Maybe it was a mix of it all that finally sent you over the edge. Your boyfriend clenched his fist as tears started to gloss over his eyes. A glint of hurt flashed over them before he finally snapped back.

“You know what? I don’t care anymore Y/N. Obviously, you don’t care about your health so don’t expect me to be there when fall to the ground of a heart attack!” His words shot right through your heart. Reality hit you. Immediately, your body shot up out of the chair, “Chan-“ Before you could apologize, you heard the bedroom door slam. You jumped at the loud noise. You could feel yourself start to disassociate, and it wasn’t long before you found your head buried in your hands. Silent sobs escaped through your lips. You weren’t even sure when your body gave out as you collapsed to the ground. The weight of the past month’s struggles all came crashing down on your shoulders at once. How could you be so stupid? The one person you knew you could count on to take care of you and keep you safe, you had pushed away. Realization hit as you glanced over to see the amount of caffeine you’d ingested in only 24 hours. As if on cue, your body finally started to react to it. Your heart felt as if it was beating out of your chest, your body got jittery and you’d only just noticed how much your anxiety had spiked.

A curse seeped through your lips as your cries got unnoticeably louder. At this point, your body and mind refused to forgive you. You started breathing heavier and faster as you found yourself hyperventilating, going back and forth between wanting to get better and wanting it to end. Your mind only brought back horrible memories as intense anxiety ran through your veins. The only sounds that filled the room were your cries, and the refrigerator humming in the background. It added such an eerie and unsettling feeling.

Meanwhile in the bedroom was Chan who had now changed into his sleep clothes. The events of the past few hours raced through his mind on loop. Beginning to replay your actions of the past month in his head, he searched for an answer on why you would be acting like this. You had hurt him, but it wasn’t deniable that you were most likely hurting too.

Hurt people, hurt people. He wasn’t angry, he was just worried sick. It was obvious you had been acting off, but he never knew you turned to caffeine to cope. And as if the male needed any more confirmation, the sound of your suffering slipped right through the walls to his ears. His body moved before he could think, immediately jumping up and making his way to the door.

As he opened it, he realized just how miserable you must’ve been the past month. Usually, he was one to check up on you. Doing small household tasks together and letting you rant about your day, then listen to his. But recently, that had not been the case. Something must’ve been going on that you refused to tell him. You were unaware that you’d caught his attention until you felt two strong arms wrap you in a warm embrace from behind. Your body immediately acted as you threw yourself up and into his arms. “Shh shh, it’s okay sweetheart.” Chan rubbed soothing circles over your back as he noticed how worked up you were. “Baby you’re shaking,” He briefly pulled back to meet your eyes. His fingers found their way under your eyes as he wiped away the tears that poured down your face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”

You dug your head into the crook of his neck, continuing to mutter out apologies to him. “Please don’t leave me, please..” You begged him in between sniffles, which caught him a bit off guard. His lips poured into a frown. “I’m not going to leave you, why would I do that?” Chan’s tone was soft and comforting. However, the question flew through one ear and right out the other.

“I don’t want to hurt anymore Chan, please..” Confusion glossed over his eyes, you don’t want to hurt anymore? What were you talking about? His hands lifted your chin as he pulled his body back slightly to face you. “Slow down, what do you mean?” Worry made its way through his body, it was only then that he noticed just how much you were shaking. “I don’t want to do it anymore Chan, I can’t take it..” Unintentionally, pleas slipped right past your teeth. His eyes looked into yours with sympathy. “Oh, honey..” This was always something you did your best to keep hidden from him, your poor mental health. Chan was a very sweet person. Whenever he noticed that someone he loved was hurting, he made them his priority. Oftentimes, letting his health decline in the process. You had refused to let that happen. Not to mention, you weren’t sure how long he’d want to stay after seeing how weak and vulnerable you could be. It wasn’t that you didn’t believe he loved you, but your mind told you otherwise.

“What’s going on, what’s making you think like this hm?” His hand stroked through your hair, doing every single action of reassurance that he could. God how he hoped it was working. “I.. Everyone hates me and.. and I didn’t even do anything!” You suddenly broke. However, he didn’t scream, insult, or push you away. Quietly and patiently, he waited for you to continue. Making sure to keep you in a warm embrace, he did his best to soothe you. “And I’m drowning in school work and I’m just..”

"Is this about…" Chris suddenly asked you. This wasn't the first time you had come to him with a problem like this, but it was the worst by far. Your glossy eyes glanced up at his, your lips quivering as you held back tears. As if on cue, a ding was heard from the table. Followed by a few more and you immediately knew what was happening. More tears spilled down your face as you avoided eye contact. Curious, Chan looked between you and your phone. Hesitantly, he grabbed it. Anger started to run through his veins as he scrolled through all the chats. He only read a few before he decided to put it down. If he didn’t stop now, he wasn’t sure that everyone would make it out alive. The male turned back towards you, as he gently motioned for you to sit down on the floor. You began to sway, which worried him. Gently, his hands found yours. “Baby, I love you so much you know that?”

“And I want to respect whatever decisions you make because after all, it’s your life but..” He glanced back and forth between your two eyes as you waited for him to continue. This was something to be gone about carefully, the phrasing couldn’t be too harsh. “You have got to cut them off, they’re not good for your mental health and it’s starting to worry me.” You glanced up at him and then at the floor. He was right, there was no denying that. Healthily dealing with things like this was hard for you. “But.. I’m scared.”

“I know, I understand but… I’m concerned with the amount of caffeine you’re putting in your body.” Chan rubbed his thumb over your knuckle as your hand began to shake. “I thought.. I thought it would help distract me. I just wanted everything to end.” Your bottled-up feeling poured out like an ocean. Although Chan was thankful you were finally talking to him, he didn’t know what to do besides getting you help. That was going to be a challenge. “I just want you to be happy again, I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen you eat a whole meal. Much less anything other than caffeine.”

He sighed, “Look I know it may not be what you want to hear, but you need help Y/N.” Unexpectedly, you didn’t protest. “You need to go to a professional, can you do that for me? I’ll even go with you.” You inhaled and exhaled deeply. Doctors terrified you, which is probably why you never went willingly before. The last time you needed help, you had to be dragged there by someone. And most of the time it was Chan. Your eyes met his before slowly nodding, causing a smile to tug on your boyfriend’s lips. His hand went up to the side of your head, fixing your hair a bit. “Can you smile for me, please?”

You didn’t budge and he let out a playful sigh. “Come onnnn, pleaseeeee.” He stuck his bottom lip out to form a pout, one glance is all it took for you to fold, your lips curving upwards into a soft smile. A small giggle from him sounded as he continued to stroke your hair. “There you go… come here.” You glanced at his arms which were now open and welcoming you into them as you crawled into his lap. He rocked you back and forth muttering small positive affirmations to you. Chan was someone you would be forever grateful for. He always knew how to help and cheer you up. The mutual love you guys had for each other was unmatched. So there you two were, in each other's arms as a comforting silence began to take over. With all the caffeine in your system, you both knew it was going to be nearly impossible for you to sleep tonight. There was a long road of recovery waiting for you ahead. However, with Chan, you knew everything was going to be okay.

[louisferrignojr]

completely unseriously, maybe the reason the buckley siblings have made it well past adulthood not having seen Movies is because family movie night wasn't a thing in the buckley household.

maybe maddie had no time to sit down and watch movies between like, school, and raising her little brother, and trying desperately to have some semblance of a social life - you know. before she met doug and was isolated from everyone she knew and loved, huh! maybe she worked to put herself through nursing school and then worked as a nurse and idk, tried to be a good wife because her husband was, you know, doug kendall.

and maybe buck spent all of his time Outside doing stupid shit and getting himself hurt. and maybe he was busy working odd jobs all over the country like a nomad and trying to create a little found family with what appears to be a frathouse-esque group of overgrown boys whose idea of a good time wasn't staying in to watch the mummy (1999).

once again don't take my ramblings too seriously. it's just a quirky thing canon gave us. and it's super cute that they've coupled up with chimney & tommy who will make pop culture references and laugh together and then judge you if you don't get it. i hope to see this ten more times on my screen actually.

i was just thinking about the buckley siblings' formative years and man, those two were never socialised properly, huh? they grew up in very different ways in the same house raised by the same parents. they seem to have similar traumas but very different coping mechanisms. growing up feeling unloved fucks you up. anyway.

and while i'm here yeah bi!maddie hc cool and all but i dont see a girl with a crush on her bff i see a girl who is isolated from her extended family forced to live keeping a secret from her younger brother and not being allowed to talk about her dead brother. she was 14 that's like. 4 years after daniel's death right. maybe sarah b. was the first real friend she had in the new strange town her parents moved her too ykno! maybe she was clinging to her one (1) friend and didn't cope well with said friend getting super close with a new person. that's actually far more interesting to me than bi!maddie idk

[jiraisupportgroup]

is it okay to be jirai kei if you can't afford the clothes and your parents won't buy them for you does that make you a fake jirai?

♡ short answer ♡

Jirai kei isn’t about the clothes themselves; it’s a community based in accepting & de-stigmatizing mental illness / mental health struggles.

♡ absolutely unreasonably long answer ♡

(Disclaimer: I am not Japanese nor do I speak Japanese. All of this is what I’ve gathered from other people on the internet in my own research when I was first looking into jirai-kei. I could very well be wrong or just talking out of my ass here - I would take my word with a grain of salt.)

Jirai Kei was loosely formed in 2019-2020. It is primarily based out of Kabukicho which is generally considered the red light district Japan, although the Japanese government is trying to change this.

Kabukicho used to be mostly known for soaplands & host clubs & bars & concept cafes - generally more adult or night-life activities. It still is home to these kinds of places, but before the Olympic Games held in 2021, the Japanese government wanted to clean it up and make the area more presentable to foreigners. Starting around 2017-2018 (from what I can tell) they started adding things like movie theaters, bowling alleys, just overall more general-audience attractions to the area to try and make it more consumable. This did start changing the image of the area; it was now seen more as a cool place to hang out - especially for those who were old enough to participate in the host clubs etc. The downside of this is that although it was seen as a cooler area to hang out & it’s image was more positive - there were still plenty of adult or night-life centered things there & many “catch-guys”. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it did kind of make a perfect storm.

Since Kabukicho was starting to be seen more as a cool hang-out spot, a lot more younger teenagers started wanting to go there. And especially once the pandemic hit and most places were closed down (while many establishments in Kabukicho chose to stay open) the sentiment of “I hate where I am right now, my life here sucks, I want to go to Kabukicho where things seem like fun” got even stronger.

This led to an influx of runaway teenagers going to Kabukicho. Additionally, a lot of runaways in Kabukicho were very fed up with their living situations (hence, why they chose to run away in the first place) and mental health during the pandemic was not great anyway since there was a pandemic going on obviously that’s going to negatively affect people’s mental health. Even further: in 2022, Japan lowered the age of adulthood from 20 to 18, so even more & younger people could participate in the nightlife scene. Again, not necessarily a bad thing; however, it meant a lot of the runaways going to Kabukicho with little money, poor mental health, and generally not knowing what they want to do with their lives were now surrounded by catch guys & night-life workers. Night-life workers make a lot of money. A lot of these kids needed money to support themselves, especially if they didn’t want to go back to their hometowns.

Now, am I saying all adult work is bad or all jirai’s were adult workers - no absolutely not. However, this environment is what kind of started the ball rolling.

Alright so we have set the scene now wtf is jirai kei.

Jirai kei stems directly from the derogatory term “jirai onna” literal translation “landmine woman”. This is a term pretty much used to say “that woman is going to pop off” (like a landmine) & was leveled towards any woman with mood swings, intense emotions, poor coping mechanisms, etc. Keeping in mind that Japan does not have a great medical or social infrastructure for dealing with mental health - and that many people’s mental health was greatly impacted by the pandemic - it is not surprising that a lot of people were in this position. In western circles I’ve seen people tie this really heavily to BPD specifically - but the term isn’t specific to bpd - it’s really anyone who has an emotional outburst, or that the people using the term derogatorily think would have one.

So a lot of people decided to reclaim this term & spin it to be their own thing. Kind of saying “yeah, so what? I am a landmine. My mental struggles are real. They are my reality. And if you don’t like that or think that’s ‘wrong’ fuck you. I’m not going to sugarcoat myself for your comfort”. Additionally the idea was also used as push-back for the societal views around mental illness. They’re pretty much signaling “being mentally ill or facing mental struggles does not mean we are bad people, it does not mean we don’t deserve love, and we should not have to hide our mental struggles or go through these things on our own”.

So if it’s a subculture based around accepting and fighting for mental health, where does the fashion come in?

Most of the fashion you’ll see in jirai kei tags are girly kei, dark girly, ryousangata (loose translation: mass production), or extensions of larme kei (another Japanese fashion which is really similar to girly kei but slightly different). Why is that?

These fashions are generally mass produced & easily available in Japan. Think about Liz Lisa and MA*RS for example. These are BIG brands. They’re not niche or hard to find. Additionally, the style is very popular. Ryousangata is considered SO mass produced that “everyone looks the same” (it’s actually quite popular amongst fans of boy groups). It’s not like a strange or niche or overly special style in Japan.

Especially not in Kabukicho, a lot of people working at concept cafes & the like would wear these types of styles because they’re easy to get, easy to style, and super overly adorable. The fashion also works GREAT for runaways in Kabukicho. They’re capsule wardrobes you can make like 10 outfits with 5 pieces of clothing so it works really well if you’re living out of a suitcase. Also it’s a pretty inexpensive, easy to obtain & super cute so it’s very appealing to these teenagers.

From what I can tell these fashions were most popular in Kabukicho and spread out from there, which is why you’ll see a lot of people say that if you’re dressing in these styles people will assume you work at a con cafe or other night-life-adjacent work, but the style has gotten much more popular over 2023-2024 so this doesn’t seem to necessarily be the case anymore.

However, since these styles were associated (albeit not exclusively) with Kabukicho & con cafés, etc, and because a lot of people in this area were drained from types of jobs or runaways & living in a culture where they’re told they should not talk about or show their negative emotions - the term “jirai onna” would be used against many people in these fashions.

Now, again, this term was not exclusively used for everyone dressed in this style, and not everyone dressed in these styles was considered that, but the link is definitely there. Jirai Kei is not completely removed from dark girly or ryousangata, but it is definitely more nuanced than “jirai kei is dark girly+”, that’s just not the case. Especially now that jirai subcul is much more popular - and a lot of the fashions you’ll see in jirai subcultures are barely girly kei / dark girly / ryousangata, if at all. I’ve seen jirai subcul people wearing just t-shirts and shorts.

However; especially in western societies, a lot of people falsely associate jirai kei with dark girly WAY too heavily. My best guess is because we don’t see ryousangata regularly. A lot of people have only seen the style in a “jirai kei” context. They are related to each other, jirai kei does have links to dark girly, but the fashion style itself is not necessarily “jirai kei”. It’s a common style in Japan - it’s not a common style in other parts of the world - so people mashed the two together in one concept because they don’t know otherwise.

This is where a LOT of discourse in the Jirai Kei community stems from - I’m not going to go too deep into it because everyone gets extremely mad about it & im not trying to open that can of worms and spill it all over the table.

I’m sure you’ve seen posts mentioning “fashion landmines” and “lifestyle landmines”. “Fashion landmines” being people who just like dark girly or ryousangata and mistakenly identify the fashion itself as “jirai kei”, and “lifestyle landmines” being people who hold to the values of accepting and raising awareness of mental illness / struggles that was the movement which started the reclamation of the term “jirai onna” to begin with.

Tldr they don’t like each other and people get really mean about it.

All of this being said: Essentially, yes. Dark girly and ryousangata and girly kei are related to Jirai Kei, but no, you do not have to have the clothes to be a part of the community. The clothes are secondary (and honestly optional) to the community’s values.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk lmao

[wickjump]

Not exactly hurt comfort but I am enjoying the idea that every time Cross reveals something about his past/childhood it slowly but surely makes the team angry. Like he happens to share a "funny story" or mention how he was treated and one by one the gang is horrified to the point where if xgaster actually showed up in the same au as them they would all be gunning for him immediately.

Also the stars showing up during this fight and like Dream: Nightmare stop this!! What are you doing to- Nightmare: (goops over and whispers something in Dream's ear) Dream: WHAT?? No fuck that (starts aiming his arrows at xgaster)

IVE SPOKEN ABOUT THIS SO MANY TIMES WITH FRIENDS/MUTUALS I AGREE SO MYCH HE HAS SO MANY TRAUMATIZING CHILDHOOD STORIES HE INTERNALLY NORMALIZED GOD. HE DOESNT REALIZE HOW BAD IT WAS AND THE REACTIONS HE GETS ARE UNNERVING. THANK YOU FOR THIS AND OTHER CROSS RELATED ASKS YOURE SO GOOD WITH THEM THEYRE MY FAVORITE

ok ya this is just plain whump warning for lotsa child abuse including physical. like beating the shit out of an 8 year old physical. also I’m so tired right now

chances are that’s not even the worst of it because you know his seven year old ass was told ‘don’t tell anyone about me beating you to near death’ and he still sticks to that. but he speaks about abuse he doesn’t even grasp counts as abuse.

withholding food. sleeping in the yard. eating food on the floor while the others sat at the dinner table as punishment (or to eat out of a dog bowl on the ground i had to do that once lol). as a kid still scared of the dark he was locked in dark rooms until he got over his fear (he’s still scared to this day but he won’t seek help because he doesn’t want to be punished again). cross touched something he wasn’t supposed to? put your hand on the burning hot stove for however many seconds that item was worth in G (maybe divided by 5/10), or until he cried.

cruel and unusual punishments were xgaster’s forte but he tells them like funny stories to the horror of literally everyone around him.

cross is not coping well with figuring out that no that’s not normal and no that’s fucked up. most of his scars are probably from xgaster (excluding the red one on his face obv). and when he delves into the traditional abuse it gets worse somehow?? anyway xgaster is on THE multiversal hitlist. star sanses and bad sanses all want his head on a wall. even ink because ink didn’t know about the abuse because xgaster never told him for obvious reasons and it’s not like cross was willing to share.

i think that once he starts talking about the abuse he can’t stop (same) and he’s just. slowly crying and eventually hyperventilating and oh he’s been holding onto that for SO long. and then he hates that he told people because he wasn’t supposed to and is scared that they’ll see him less or punish him for some reason or hate him now, but he isn’t expecting to be comforted after? wtf? he doesn’t grasp that saying ‘yeah i got in trouble at school so my dad beat me until i lost two of my baby teeth and got a temporary crack in my skull’ normally results in being hugged or something. like dude you were 8 wtf. and he’s so scared but he just wants to feel safe AUGH HE MAKES MY HEART HURT. like dude, he almost beat papyrus at a time he was so young he had to use a step-stool to reach the sink to brush his teeth :( dude…

anyway ya cross is me fr (the burning hand stove happened once/twice to me actually idk i was like 5 lol. my grandfather is not the best man) and he deserves to go through hell on earth and be tortured in his childhood i think. oh and experience comfort or whatever after idk. kross maybe because their dynamic is ‘my childhood was ruined’ x ‘my adulthood was ruined’ and i think that’s sweet. or mtt + cross poly with nightmare as the outlier wondering why they’re so affectionate all of a sudden (he’s aroace…)

BUT THATS SELF INDULGENT LMAO what really matters is how much we torture the poor lad that is cross 🥰

also make him trans because abuse isn’t enough he needs extreme dysphoria all of the time. xgaster isn’t transphobic btw this is independent from everything else

[astralarias]

please talk about your characters! i don't mind who i just wanna hear you ramble about your toons <3

Aaa thank you!! 🥺

Since I just posted a gifset of her, I'll talk a little about Aikarico, my beloved warcat, and her backstory <3

She came remarkably close to having a completely different life! Her parents were critical of the Legions as a whole and had plans to leave after the birth of their cub, as fleeing & traveling would be too strenuous on Electra (Aika's mother) during her pregnancy. Their goal was to reach Lion's Arch and settle down as a family.

However, mere weeks before Aikarico was born, her father, Theo, was killed on patrol by a Flame Legion ambush. Electra was heartbroken, and after Aikarico was born she didn't have the strength to flee the Legions alone - only to give Aikarico as much love as she could in the time they had. Being an only child, Aikarico was incredibly clingy and a very shy, sweet cub who rarely left her mother's side.

When it came time for her to join the Fahrah, she didn't cope well. Ripped from her mother's warm embrace into a world of survival of the fittest, she struggled - bullied endlessly by her peers for her softness. Until she wasn't. Until she forced herself to get tough, against her every instinct. She fought back with fang and claw, so no-one would ever hurt her again.

Her mother had promised she'd visit. She never did. Aikarico grew up believing she had been abandoned without reason by the only person who had loved her for her, not knowing the truth - Electra had died shortly after Aikarico left her side, falling ill and not having the strength to recover.

By the time she reached adulthood, Aikarico had become an arrogant, defiant problem for her warband and superiors, and had no intention of changing. It was a mask, but one she could no longer tell where it ended and she began any more. She had stopped trying to take it off long ago.

However, her higher-ups weren't about to let such subordination slide for much longer, especially after her stunts to prove herself as bigger, better, stronger, resulted in casualties in the field more than once. She always knew better, and nothing was ever her fault. It couldn't be - she was flawless, because if she wasn't, she was nothing.

After a string of complaints from her warbandmates, Aikarico was made a gladium. As the verdict was dealt, though, she stood tall and announced she was leaving, anyway, so there - you can't fire me, I quit! Denounced as a traitor and disappointment, she fled the Legions - just as her parents had meant to do all those years ago, albeit with a twist.

From there, she wandered Tyria, taking up jobs for bandits and thieves - anyone who would pay, at first - but eventually building up a reputation as a skilled assassin. She hung around human lands for a while - the least charr place she could think of, although she still held herself as charr in far-too-high regard. Among certain shady circles, she gained notoriety. If you wanted someone dead, she was the cat for the job. She was never happy, but she was feared and respected, and that was enough for a time.

Eventually she grew bored and set on the road again, winding up in the Desolation after a few years. Here, she worked with the Order of Shadows alongside her regular assassination jobs - she never became an official member, but she was known throughout the ranks as "that arrogant charr who thinks too much of herself".

During the events of Path of Fire, she was given a mark that would change her life once again; the Commander. She never did find out who put her on the job - it was all very secretive - but it payed well, and she knew to kill him would bolster her legend beyond all belief and hope. She took it without a second thought.

She followed Atlaki for days. Watched his every move, as he stopped amid the carnage to...help people? Didn't he have a god to catch? Why would he stop and show such...weakness?

She was horribly intrigued. And besides, maybe she was a little bored of the desert too, now. The Desolation was all moody skies and sulfur. Even killing here was getting dull.

So, finally, she engaged her target. But instead of shooting him from some perch, she appeared to his face and demanded he fight her. She was somewhat hurt when he appeared more tired than anything, but he agreed - and promptly kicked her ass. Okay, now she was impressed...although, of course, her losing was totally all part of her plan.

She introduced herself, told him she was meant to kill him but kind of didn't want to do that anymore, and she'd be helping him out from now on. A paw was offered to shake, and Atlaki - deciding this odd charr wasn't the worst or strangest thing to fall from the sky in recent times - took it.

Thus began Aikarico's looong, winding path to becoming a better, and certainly more tolerable person - someone her parents would be beyond proud to see flourish, with Atlaki's influence. She remains proud, arrogant, even but it's genuine now and not so much of a mask. She's charismatic, brash, and herself. She has the family she always needed, in Atlaki, and Cassien, and Aurene.

[kikuneesama]

Ich habe 4.359 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

Das sind 761 more posts als 2021!

39 Einträge erstellt (1%)

4.320 Einträge gerebloggt (99%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@belladonnaboudreaux

@calamitaswrath

@marierclaire

@enevera

Ich habe 838 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#nart reblog spree – 9 Einträge

#yea – 8 Einträge

#jjk – 6 Einträge

#spy x family – 5 Einträge

#my god – 4 Einträge

#anyway – 4 Einträge

#honestly – 3 Einträge

#its true – 3 Einträge

#sigh – 3 Einträge

#oh god yea – 3 Einträge

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#accusing him of deflecting after you asked him if he wants to hear his best friends voice again like you dont u nderstand how grief works

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

when you write one of your favourite ships and it does so poorly, not even as in people dont click it, no, they just dont like it apparently

4 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. August 2022

#4

I’m offering free fanfics in exchange for a donation to ukraine on my other blog and today after i handed one off the person literally went through my story and like marked it as if they were a teacher grading an essay

not only grammar mistakes or comma but also like “wrong word” and “i dont understant what you want to say with this”.

needless to say my confidence is crushed forever so thats fun

5 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 3. April 2022

#3

Happy birthday @enevera!! Here is a little something something, I hope you might like. I'm sorry I couldn't come up with anything cooler fsdklfsdaklf. I havent written in a while and idk with my brain yet. Anyway, wish you a great day and all good things. Sending hugs &lt;3

Uh, yeah, this is I guess Satoru x Suguru x Shouko .... maybe

2064 words

unedited because im lazy.

There is this certain type of cigarette smell that transforms Shouko back in time whenever she smells it. It does not matter where exactly she is, Tokyo’s main station, the narrow ways between the high rise buildings of Ropponing, the long way up the road to the school, if she just catches a whiff of that smell it is like she timewarped back to being a teenager.

Maybe that is why she stopped smoking those brands of cigarettes completely.

Once you enter adulthood, many people in the country start looking back at their childhood summers with this nostalgia for a time that seemed almost too perfect to be real. Anime, movies, music and tv often discuss these summers, the longing an adult feels for them and how a time like this would never happen ever again.

Shouko hated this. Summers were hot, summers were sweaty and overtly sunny and full of bugs and cicada noise. As a kid she would hide in the basement, and now, as an adult, she was doing much the same. 

Her childhood summer, the one she longs for, happened when started when she was 15. It lasted for much more than four years and it smelled of chewing gum, wooden rooms and menthol cigarettes.

Being a person who can see cursed spirits didn’t make you a popular student with the other kids in schools. So for her first 8 or so years in school, Shouko tried to stay out of everybody’s way. That didn’t mean they didn’t whisper about her behind her back, thinking her interest in medicine and especially forensic sciences were odd. Still, she didn’t have it as bad as other kids like her, she was not bullied, she was mostly just left alone.

It was good to be alone. She knew how to cope alone.

It was an unusually warm April day, the cherry blossoms just falling down the trees when Shouko entered Jujutsu High for the first time. She was almost sweating in the black new uniform with the long sleeves. She was greeted by the headmaster, introduced to her teacher and told that she’d share the year with two boys. She wasn’t very interested in them.

Shouko heard Gojo Satoru before she saw him. The corridor with the student rooms was full of the noise of his laughter. When he introduced himself to her, with that sly smile of his, and told her who he was, what significance he had, how he was going to be unbeatable, Shouko guessed and guessed right instantly, that he was overplaying.

That he was lonely was obvious, even if you couldn’t see his eyes.

Geto Suguru was a different kind of boy. He was quiet, an outsider and he knew it. He was friendly, always overly courteous. He inquired about her medical books and anatomy posters and overall did some friendly small talk. Shouko guessed that he too had been mostly alone and instead of becoming louder, like Satoru, had just quieted down more. 

All three of them were similar in that regard.

At first she thought she'd never like either of them very much. 

And so classes began.

Getting to know both of them was a slow but rewarding process. Shouko had been right about Satoru, he had been isolated from other people most of his life so far and craved human connections. He would come by her room even when she was studying, hanging on her bed throwing balls at the ceiling and down until she told him to leave.

Suguru turned out to be a real nerd. Super interesting and classic and modern Anime and Manga, though he hid his addiction well. In his room he kept most of his Manga volumes under his bed and in the corner, all neatly packed and dust free, as if they were porn magazines. But if he was asked about it, he would never stop talking. Shouko sometimes spent evenings with him just sitting side by side reading in comfortable silence.

She knew the boys were doing things together without her too. That they spent time with just the two of them. One time she opened the door to Satoru’s room for this and that and they were laying shoulder to shoulder on his bed. 

At the time she had no way to explain the stinging she felt at being excluded from the intimate moment.

They were a trio. Most first years came into the school in Trio’s or groups of four, but none were as close as the three of them. It was impossible to mention Suguru without mentioning Satoru and Shouko too. Triple S, the first years called them once they graduated to year two, and they meant it in annoyance and admiration.

That second spring, Shouko brought the menthol cigarettes for the first time. She ignored the “That’s bad for your health” and “those stink” comments from Satoru whenever she put on one, and his dramatically waving hands if it was around him. Smoking was nice and a stress relief and made her feel good.

Smoking wasn’t allowed in the dorms or through the open windows as the smell could seep into the furniture and curtains, so Shouko often had to go outside to have some. Either of the boys, sometimes both of them, often accompanied her then, even if Satoru often pulled a face.

The smell of the cigarettes seeped into all of them anyway, their hair, their clothes, their minds that summer, with so many things happening. Shouko was watching the boys grow from the sidelines. Her career path was different and so they were often separated. But before and after missions they’d still all sit together, outside, on porches or in gardens and on benches, talking, laughing and the smell of Shouko’s cigarettes were always there too.

Shouko loved both of them. Each in their own way, but at best together. In those times she used to think that if she’d be able to live with them side by side forever, she would never need to marry. They would be family enough.

Suguru could endlessly talk about manga he had bought, new shonen jump issues and anime adaptations, but it was Satoru who brought in the story that finally helped her figure her mind out. It was a Shoujo manga, something Suguru would never touch if he could help it. Satoru was raving about it, the story of a protagonist who couldn’t choose between two suitors. “She loves them both,” Satoru exclaimed. “So she can’t choose! It's incredibly exciting to read.”  

“You can’t love two people,” Shouko said in reflex, but took the books anyway. To humour him.

Amongst all the relatively standard romance and reverse-harem tropes Shouko actually did find the narrative pretty interesting. The lead character did love both boys very clearly and struggled to decide who to pursue. Didn’t help that both guys had different personality traits that fit neatly into hers, but none of them was perfect.

Vollständigen Eintrag ansehen

7 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 10. Oktober 2022

#2

alright @nyctibrae i continued f m a b (finally!) from the point we both stopped watching together which means episode 10 and my review for that one is: pain

get back for more reviews tomorrow

9 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 24. September 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

*slides into ur asks* Watching FMA I hear? 👀

Yes!! It is @foebito's favourite anime soooo we did the best trade deal of all the trade deals in history so I finally get to watch it :D I got to pick 4? Anime or so to match the runtime of FMAB which we will watch together (and 2 we already did and one halfway!) and we started FMAB... last week?

10 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 21. März 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

[papirouge]

That thing about adults watching toddlers cartoons you reblogged... I think it truly is a reflection of some people literally reggresing in some ways, and i don't blame the ones who just want an escape from their shitty lives. I feel some people simply are finding it difficult to accept the reality of adulthood and all the realizations that come with it. The lost of innocence and all, finding out the world is more harsh and cruel that expected... I don't know, i can understand in a way because sometimes ill watch cartoons from my childhood or play videogames from that time too... It's the nostalgia from better times. I think it happens to us that had more sheltered childhoods.... However, i do think its weird to seek out new cartoons from toddlers and somehow enjoy it. I don't get it. Perhaps cartoons fr older kids are really bad nowadays, i wouldnt know.

I do think its more understandable for people interested in animation since most western cartoons are geared towards kids, and adult cartoons are ugly as balls lets be honest. And they can be cringy as hell: once i was walking by my brother watching that Bojack horseman or whatever cartoon, and there was this character talking about asexuality and how you could be asexual and have romantic relationships and sex. Like, the cringe... Id rather watch bluey or stephan university lmao

Yeah I hate how Western animation has become.....so ugly. I mean the Power Puff Girls or Totally Spies had some edge but when I see today's animation it looks so ugly and disgusting (Family Guy, Big Mouth has to be the filthiest adult animated show I ever laid my eyes upon). And I also hate how adult shows have to be so unecessary sexual. It's like because, since they're for an adult audience, they now could tackle those topics, they had to shoe horn these unecessary awkward and disgusting storylines.... (and thinking you can be asexual while having sex is stupid yeah lol)

I think you are absolutely right about how watching these "comfort shows" can help coping with the hardship of reality, but look at the result : people are getting more and more (intellectually and emotionally) retarded. It's not normal for a 25+ adult of being invested in anime or manga where the characters are half of their own age....

Look how anime has groomed entire generations of men thinking that women enjoyed sexual harassment and rape, and that they didn't have real hobbies (beside looking out for male approval). I'll never be over how horrendously written 99% of female characters in manga are (the 1% left are written by female mangaka). There's no wonder men who grew up with that trash have a totally wrapped image of women, struggle respecting their boundaries (there's no wonder japanese men are known creep - especially with foreigners), how a REAL ADULT HUMAN FEMALE body look like (just the other day there was a kid on Twitter calling "disgusting" a woman who had.....body hair on her arm. His argument? "but IN PORN women don't look like that!!!".....😐).

I think those shows are ruining the way people are adulting. Western civilization look down on cultures that upkept a "ritual of passage" into adulthood, arguing it's unecessary and kinda hard on kids to have such a sharp leap into adulthood, but I think those cultures actually have a point. At some point adults need to cut out with regressive coping mechanism for their own well-being.

Again : grown adult watching debilitating shows is not normal. It makes them emotionally retarded and dumb. Just because something helps you to cope with shit doesn't mean it's harmless or good for you in the long run.

A grown 27 y.o woman unironically posting about her "comfort character" and that characters is somehow half her age is NOT normal. Grown men in the 30s watching anime and getting excited about the next One Piece chapter release like there's no tomorrow is NOT normal. Grown men watching anime altogether is a red flag anyway (and let's not talk about those gathering toys/collectibles which is HIGHLY symbolic psychologically-wise - babies/children are those needing toys, not adults...)

[henbased]

[crackes my knuckles & neck] My Turn With The Joseph: Collapse Meta

Going deranged over those voicemails. I know you all expected it of me but as @scungilliwoman pointed out in the red flags asks, I gotta speak my mind more, and what a better time than now.

Spoilers for Joseph: Collapse DLC under the cut, discussions of child death, trauma, abuse, suicide

can’t get over how normal Joseph sounded. it’s so different than the deranged middle aged man we all know and have conflicted feelings on. Love if you’re big brained, hate if you have no taste.

All the Seeds have trauma. The entire game is them trauma dumping on you. It really throws me that he wasn’t always like this but then again, mental illness really do be fucking with your brain. I love projecting so eat up kids.

Joseph said he was “practically a child (him)self” when his wife was pregnant. He couldn’t have been out of the system long when they got hitched. And idk about anyone else but I remember being like 19 facing the world for the first time and having to cope with the past as well as adulthood dropped in your lap. You try so so hard to be normal, to put it all behind you and be your idea of a regular everyday person. Normcore, as Liz puts it. I think Joseph put a lot of stock in his wife being his rock, relied on her to keep him a bit sane. Like he’s fine now it’s cool he’s FINE he’s just a regular dude at church he’s got a wife it’s fine. Maybe they worked on it together. Maybe Joseph just ignored all that trauma and mental illness. Either way she was that stability in his life he needed yknow. Likely the first stability he’s ever had. But they didn’t account for her being ripped away from him because who does, especially at such a young age. And that mental illness catching up with him all at once- makes him fall on his ass. and then he’s holding his daughter and his wife’s dead and he’s spiraling.

that bunker what-if with jacob. he kills Joseph. Shoots him dead because he’s so caught up in his own PTSD episode that he lashes out, fails at killing himself and turns it on Joseph and shoots him dead. After everything, after all Jacob has done for Joseph- ultimately it’s Jacob’s hand that ends him. and then he’s staring at his brother’s dead body and he has to sit with that. he has to sit with that and how do you cope with that? the voice basically confirms Jacob takes himself out afterwards, too. how full of guilt he must’ve been with what he did. (And this brings the topic that they leave John behind, forgotten, when he was the start of it all- the reason for all of this to begin with but that’s another meta)

What if, it's similar with Joseph and his daughter? In his despair, that whole stress induced psychosis, he just-. Y'know. And then he's staring at the lifeless body of his daughter and how do you deal with that? How do you cope? What do you do, in that situation, except lose yourself to it? @paganminiskirt had a theory that Joseph’s calm speech about it was long practiced, an emotional detachment to the events he caused, and based on the mirror speech over Ethan’s dead body in the DLC, so full of anguish and despair… you cope however you can, and doubling down on the fact this was all a test, it was all necessary… yeah, I mean, that might be the only thing keeping me going, too.

anyway I’m totally normal about media 💖

[kremlin]

Quick note for all you youngsters out there

We all come to learn that growing up, you have to come to terms with yourself changing and adapting to adulthood and that's ok! We've all been there. It's OKAY to feel anxiety about growing older but rest assured, you can be ultimately certain adulthood will come and you WILL get used to it. Just remember in the heat of the moment when things seem so scary and new, you will look back one day and laugh at what once seemed so frightening. Hell, I'll tell you a funny story I remember when I was on the cusp of adulthood. Picture this, 25th birthday! Great night with friends at the bar cut too short when something came up and they left with a resounding Goodbye Ian. So I decide to get a jump on the next day and hit the sack early. In bed before midnight? What a boomer 😂 And then just like that, 12:00 on the dot, churchbells! At night? There isn't a church anywhere near here or near anywhere. Each chime was louder and louder and I started to grow uneasy. "Wait a minute, the pitch is off, what's going on?" I tried to get up but the rigor mortis had already set in. And then it became clear, the bell tolls for thee (haha, remember having to read this in school?) That weird pitch shift is to match the resonant frequency of MY bones! It became hard to differentiate between sound waves and undulations on all the new spectra I was experiencing punishment on. Pretty soon my bones were nothing but a fine powder and my vision cleared and I saw her -- A real angel! And not your kiddy book picture bible angel, we're talking a big boy book of revelations angel! Twisting, curling ribbons of inconceivable length covered in eyeballs all leering at yours truly. Come on, I have stage fright! This is giving a talk at a middle school assembly all over again 🙄 No thanks. That ended quickly much to my relief as what homogenized soup formerly comprising my body flashed to radioactive steam and carbon and it became clear as you get older things change. No more drinking with your pals on weeknights! You need your beauty sleep. Laying on the couch watching your Netflix does not count, and neither does death! Anyways. Things get a little hazy here (thanks to the fun I had with Sailor Jerry earlier that night xD) but there wasn't any looking away from the angel as she brought the silver sepulchers closer. A little snip snip and the divine light is gone. Didn't hurt a bit! You'll experience death more times than there are atoms in the universe but consciousness never ends! The only thing more certain is having to pay income tax every April 😂 I woke up the next morning, a proud twenty five year old who spent a little too long gazing upon the forbidden and had to go downstairs to get some Aspirin to deal with the hangover and knowledge of how unbelievably cursed I was after witnessing the forbidden. But it's all good! I sit here before you free of worry or fear or other things that you feel. Just another part of growing up. You realize the things you thought were certain in the past were just sort of ways you coped with the inevitable. LOL -- I remember reading on reddit.com how the passages in the bible about hell were fake with some monks writing them in to put the fear of god in people? I told myself there was only heaven. Imagine the egg on MY face when I learned it was the opposite! You'll grow and you'll learn. It will be ok. You are always yourself and no amount of time nor any conceivable force allow you to take that away from yourself. The same soul hitting these keys today is the same soul that hit them all those years ago on my favorite neopets website. Except these days, these old bones know they need to get up and stretch once and a while, and that the machinations of these fingers hitting the keys is much the same as if they were struck by one of those drinking bird novelty toys. Sure, they keys are depressed but just by some object with some interesting physics in between. Gosh, sometimes I think back to what it was like to be young. I lay in that same bed and sometimes, when the stars are juuuuuust right, I can make out an Ian-shaped

stain on the ceiling from when I sublimated into an uninteresting gas mixture. I can almost make out where my pupils were and it is kind of weird to think back to my 25th birthday when the lights in those eyes were snuffed out forever. Haha, at this rate my next blog post will be about prostate exams! Growing old is funny.

Hope you liked this. Please like and subscribe, and check out our two new upcoming podcast episodes -- How to set up a retirement account that will benefit YOU when you grow old. Personally, I'm split equally between animal viscera, fetid blood semisolids, and an even solution of sterile semen. Patreon episode this week is a full hour long special of unbroken sobs and weeping.

[hyena-frog]

Makes me so sad to think about how Cassius raised Lysander for 10 YEARS and came to love him like a brother and likely put a ton of effort into being a decent role model only for Lysander to turn around and become exactly like Octavia..... like can you imagine what must be going through Cassius’ head when he flies over Lysander at the end of DA.. :( seeing the kid he raised to adulthood become a monster.. I just... ugh. It tears me up inside

Hoo boy, I hope you’re prepared for the essay I’m about to write.

Genuinely, I think about this all the time. Cassius and Lysander have one of the most complex, tragic relationships the second trilogy has to offer. I hated Cassius so much after Golden Son but now he’s one of my favorite characters. I would really love it if he is the new POV Pierce Brown promised. In the second trilogy, Cassius has been exclusively filtered through Lysander’s POV, so I’m dying to know his own thoughts on everything that has happened. (But I would also like a Volga POV for the Obsidian story and maybe Diomedes POV for the Rim perspective. I’m torn.) I just want Cassius to have a happy ending. And I hate Lysander, but I would really like for him to see eye to eye with Cassius at least once before he is horribly, painfully, rightfully murdered.

Now, the thing is, Cassius didn’t come to love Lysander as a brother over time, he already loved him when he decided to become his guardian and mentor. It bugged me that, at the end of Morning Star, it didn’t feel like Cassius’ decision to take in Lysander was justified enough. All we really got out of him was that Lysander reminded him of Julian. Pretty flimsy. Then Iron Gold came along and blessed us with a flashback to when they first met. Little Lysander wasn’t too impressed with Cassius (he wasn’t exactly as respectable post Red Rising as he is now) but Cassius quickly went from calling Lysander an “eerie little creature” to declaring “I’ve decided to like you, little moon boy.” From that moment, Cassius truly cared for Lysander. Reading that flashback again after Dark Age makes me so emotional.

Lysander has this complex about being Julian’s replacement, that Cassius doesn’t love him so much as he loves the shadow of Julian he sees in him. And he’s justified, in a way, because Cassius does slip up and call him Julian sometimes, but it’s usually when he’s delirious from pain and not thinking clearly. Lysander completely misses the fact that Cassius does love him. I guess he doesn’t have much experience recognizing when he’s genuinely cared for, because why would he, but there is plenty of evidence of Cassius’ true feelings.

For example, Cassius sold most of his remaining family possessions to keep them afloat on the Archimedes. Now, Cassius isn’t strapped for cash by any means but the fact he cares for Lysander (and Pytha) enough to sell many of the last reminders of his dead family that he owns, is very telling. But Lysander doesn’t think about that. He acknowledges that it happened but doesn’t consider the deeper, emotional meaning behind that action.

Another example is Cassius opening up to Lysander about the last time he ever saw his father. How he disappointed Tiberius but finally regained his respect, only for the entire Bellona family to be slaughtered shortly after that reconciliation. That was a sign that he loves and trusts Lysander enough to be vulnerable with him. He never told that story to anyone else, as far as we know. He believed he was going to die in the Bleeding Place and wanted that memory of his father to live on in Lysander. The fact that Lysander is blind to how Cassius genuinely loves him, even now, is tragic.

You’re right, Cassius did try to be a good role model and pass on good morals. I think the scene in Dark Age, where Pytha confesses that Cassius forbade her from revealing to Lysander that she is actually a soldier and not a disgraced commercial pilot, as he was lead to believe, was very telling. Cassius attempted to show Lysander life outside of politics and war. He tried to show him that all Colors are equals deserving of respect. Cassius was devastated when Lysander chose to save Seraphina over the many mid- and low-color prisoners on the Vindabona. He was horrified that Lysander chose “quality” of life saved over quantity. This coming from Cassius, who compared Pinks to animals in Red Rising. Cassius has learned and changed a lot since the first book and he tried to pass those lessons onto Lysander. But it didn’t stick. Not even after 10 years of teaching.

Unfortunately, his teachings were tainted by his bad coping mechanisms for his personal demons. His alcoholism, his continued pining for Virginia, combined with his betrayal of Octavia and involvement in Aja's brutal murder, gave Lysander enough excuses to never fully embrace his lessons. While Lysander did love Cassius, there was always some flaw or another in his teacher that allowed him to comfortably distance himself from the lessons that diverged from Octavia’s teachings. To be honest, Cassius had no business taking on a ward while he was so torn up inside. Keeping Lysander isolated in a tin can in the middle of space for 10 years, instead of living among diverse people, didn’t do him any favors either. Frankly, Cassius missed a lot of red flags. A big one is the fact Lysander carved Lux ex tenebris, the Lune family motto, into the ceiling of his room on the Archimedes, where he could stare up at it every night. Yikes.

This dissonance in Lysander’s thinking is what lead to his betrayal in the Bleeding Place. Yes, Lysander loves Cassius and wanted to save his life rather than see him die at the hands of people who don’t respect him. But he also genuinely believes in the inherent hierarchy of Octavia’s teachings, that the “true order” is for Cassius to follow him. If Cassius lives, if he can convince him that his rightful place is to follow Lysander, things can finally be right in the worlds. Cassius failed to express his feelings in a way Lysander can comprehend, so he felt he was just a replacement for Julian. Lysander can dismiss Cassius’ love as love for his dead twin, and in turn, he can dismiss his claim to believe in the inherent equality of humankind as guilt and justification for killing his Sovereign. Cassius was unable to truly see how badly he failed until he was betrayed.

Since Cassius was absent for most of the plot following his “death” it’s difficult to concretely say what he’s been thinking since then. But I’ve been thinking a lot about him, so here is my conjecture. Take it with a grain of salt.

That moment you mention, when Cassius flies overhead, he deliberately retracted his helmet for a brief moment of eye contact with Lysander, so he would know exactly who rescued Darrow... Shivers. So much left unsaid. I imagine Cassius was thinking a lot of things in that moment. On the one hand, some pettiness and anger at being betrayed: “I lived bitch, I rescued Darrow, this is where my loyalties lie.” But there was also probably a mixture of shock and guilt at knowing what Lysander has done, at who he’s sided with and enabled, but also at seeing evidence of physical suffering in Lysander's burn scar and blind eye. Cassius loved Lysander, he was his guardian for 10 years, so he would hate to see him hurt. I think he would feel responsible for Lysander’s actions on some level, even if he logically understands that he’s an adult who makes his own choices.

Regardless, Cassius probably blames himself on some level. That’s what I think anyway. He tried his best to teach this kid good morals for an entire decade only for him to cling to the ideals his grandmother taught him. That has to sting. It’s probably also embarrassing, to a degree. Cassius made this grand promise to Darrow that he’d raise Lysander right, that Sevro was wrong to suggest they should have just killed him when he was little. Now Cassius’ failure to make good on that promise has been advertised to the whole Solar System through Lysander’s actions on Mercury. Surely Cassius feels responsible.

Cassius had a lot of time to think during his long return trip to the Core. About what happened with Lysander in the Rim, about his lingering feelings for Virginia, about his place in the Republic, and about what he really considers the right thing to do. Cassius can be intensely empathetic when he allows himself to be. For example, in Morning Star, he managed to really sympathize with Darrow’s life when they were drinking whiskey together. I’m willing to bet he spent that long return journey considering Lysander’s perspective with a clear head, after spending so many years lost in the haze of his own sorrows. Now that he is out of that bad mental place, he is likely able to see where he made mistakes in how he raised Lysander.

It will make for an interesting confrontation between Cassius and Darrow, who is thoroughly, understandably, done with Lysander, when the time comes to kill him. Cassius knows the danger Lysander poses and probably won’t argue against killing him this time, but I do think he would resist a little and at least try to find an alternative solution.

Lastly, I just want to say this, since it’s sort of relevant: This fandom tends to agree that Sevro should have just killed Lysander as a child, but if I’m being honest, I don’t agree. Kill Lysander now, as an adult, by all means, but as a kid he hadn’t done anything wrong yet, even if he was a little creepy. Darrow was right to give him the chance to live in peace. Too bad he ultimately didn’t take it. I especially don’t think Cassius would agree killing Lysander as a kid was the right choice, even now. He is traumatized by the sudden loss of most of his family, including little kids, so I don’t think he’d ever agree to killing a child. If he could somehow go back in time, knowing what he knows now, I think he would make the same choice to raise Lysander. In that scenario, I think he would rather try to fix the mistakes he made as a mentor, rather than punish Lysander.

Guh. Anyway. I had a lot of words in me about this subject. Hope you got something out of it! I’m consistently amazed by how Pierce Brown’s writing compels me to think deeply about these characters. Not to mention his ability to make me understand Lysander’s perspective even if I don’t like it or agree with it. Cassius’ perspective though... well, half of this post is just me guessing, so we’ll have to see how close I am to canon when book 6 comes out. Thanks for reading!

[shannonhutchins]

Josh Lyman Headcannons

So as if we didn’t know I have clearly fallen down a West Wing rabbit hole and I have lots of feelings about this wildly geeky and monomaniacal man so clearly everyone else should be subjected to these thoughts.

✨ Josh is dyslexic; I think he was formally diagnosed in middle school after the fire.  I think before middle school, Josh was a good student who coasted a bit because the material was easier to understand so he could kind of coast by a bit on his natural smarts.  But after the fire it was a perfect storm of events--he gets a bit lost in grief, he missed some school because of its aftermath, and middle school was getting harder and the pace was faster.  Anyways, he was actually really angry when he was first diagnosed.  After the fire, he vowed to be a perfect son because he didn’t want to add extra stress to his parents who were already dealing with so much so he thought it was a personal failure to get diagnosed.

✨ Josh also thought it was a sign of weakness to be dyslexic and his mom spent the better part of a month after he was diagnosed saying it wasn't but Josh just figured that was his mom, well being his mom. He had a tutor, Alexis, when he was first diagnosed.  His parents were surprised at how patient she was with Josh because most of the teachers after the fire remarked on how withdrawn he became, how he was prone to angry outbursts, and was just sort of unpredictable but Alexis took it all in stride.  She let him throw his tantrums before calmly trying to get him back on track.  By the end of their sessions Josh had picked up study habits, coping strageties on how to deal with school when it got stressful, and organizational habits.  Josh used those same strategies all the way through adulthood--its why he is always quick to work through memos out loud and with other people so he can bounce ideas off of them so he can be sure he is getting everything and to anyone else his office looked like a cluttered mess. And to anyone but Josh it was but then systems worked for him--he always knew where to find files much to the surprise of everyone else.

✨ I also think he boasts so much about his verbal SAT score because that type of test isn’t geared towards people who learned the way he learned.  he studied for months for that test because he knew if he wanted to go Ivy League he needed a competitive score.

✨ Josh has so much survivors guilt; like its a lot. Even thirty years alter he hated himself for running out of the house that night--he hated that he acted on autopilot without even thinking about Joanie.  His parents, in the months following the fire, were a mess--his dad threw himself into work and his mom became obsessive with helping out at their local synagogue.  Josh just sort of fell through the cracks because of it.  It wasn’t until he had a panic attack at Shea Stadium because someone was selling burned popcorn that Noah and Ruth realized how much they’d neglected their sons trauma.

✨ A dark place within Josh always kind of thought his parents resented Josh for living and would have preferred that Joanie lived instead.  He was sure she would have been less of a hassle and given them grandkids much earlier than he ever could have.  He never voiced that particular thought out loud until he started seeing Dr. Weeks in there aftermath of his PTSD diagnosis.  Dr. Weeks was also the first therapist that called Josh out on his bullshit and never let him skate by with anything less than honesty.  Sure she’d table things Josh wasn't ready to talk about but she always circled back and as the sessions wore on she noticed that Josh would sometimes circle back to things before she even brought it up again.  About a year into seeing Dr. Weeks Josh brings his mom to one of his sessions and they talk a lot about Joanie and the fire that day.  That’s when Josh admits that he sometimes wishes Joanie had lived instead.  Ruth just like breaks down because she never thought her son felt this way and all she says is that she’s thankful that he’s here now and that she felt the same when she saw him sitting in the back of a firetruck covered in ash and she can’t imagine a world where he wasn’t in it.  Josh still doesn’t fully let go of that guilt but that session went a long way to bringing him closure.

✨Josh grew up wealthy and because of that he could attend schools like Harvard and Yale; he clearly grew up with a certain amount of privilege but he also put in a lot of work to get there and stay there.  Like I said, he lived with massive amounts of survivor guilt and he always felt like he had to do great things as a way ti justify the fact that he lived.  To do that he sacrificed having and developing a personal life to throw himself into doing well at Harvard and then building connections at Yale he could leverage into job opportunities on the hill after he graduated.

✨ Also, I know canonically Josh dated women but in my headcanon he’s gay.  I think he dates Amy and Mandy because he so desperately wants to fit into the boxes men like him are supposed to fit into.  Also, because he was so focused on developing his academic track record he never had much time to think growing up about his dating preferences.  Sure he would stare a little too long at men and wonder what it would feel like to have one of them on top of him but he always thought once he found the right girl those thoughts would just....not be there anymore.  He’s afraid to admit to himself that he's gay because then that would mean he’d have to admit it to his parents, his friends etc and that TERRIFIES him.

✨ The first person he tells is Matt Skinner and he’s unsurprisingly very helpful as Josh tries to navigate the whole acceptance and coming out thing.  Matt also releases a very short, but terse press release the day Josh is outed and goes toe to toe with leadership when they want to use his sexuality as some sort of leveraging bargain chip in negotiations with him.

✨ Again, my headcannon is that Josh is outed (and really you can thank @callixton for making me want to write this story!).  His mom us surprised at first when she reads the story in the Washington Post about how he’s gay, the PTSD etc--and then she’s so angry reading the comments below the articles online.  She had to disconnect the phone because so many reporters wanted her comment and all she could think of was that she couldn’t be in Florida anymore.  She packed a small bag and grabbed the first flight she could to DC and bypasses the White House in favor of going straight to Josh’s Georgetown townhouse.  Ruth finds him sitting in the dark with his suit coat balled up in his hands.  Josh doesn’t fight her when she pulls him to her chest; they just sit like that for an hour before he seems to register her being there.  She’s surprised that he hasn’t cried and by the looks of how put together his apartment was that he hadn’t thrown anything in anger either.  All Ruth says is, “you’ll always be my son and nothing will ever stop me from loving you,” and then Josh finally just loses it.

✨ Toby drops by later that afternoon and offers to sit with Josh while Ruth runs out for Chinese food which was always Josh’s favorite go to comfort food. Toby doesn’t say much but does offer to introduce him to some of his friends in the community and that no matter what Toby, Donna, and Sam weren’t going anywhere.  Josh doesn’t miss the fact that he didn’t mention Leo but still he smiles weekly at Toby and says that he should stay for dinner.

[stormra]

Hiya! I was wondering if you could give your headcannons on how the Matsuno brothers would react towards someone finally reciprocating the same feelings/developing a crush on them? Take your time!

❝     𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐨 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬

— type : headcanons

— characters : the matsuno brothers

Thank you for being my first headcanon request! I know that I’m allowed to post other works without anyone requesting them, but I felt as if it would be more rewarding to wait until someone finally did. Now I’ll let myself write headcanons, especially since I’ve finally caught up on matchups. It also took me a while to figure out how I want to format headcanons. I care too much about what my blog looks like. So, without further ado, let’s get into it! Thank you for being patient!

Osomatsu : Although he’s a huge pervert, your confession will leave him absolutely winded. He has spent his entire life begging for a partner—with you as the target he’s been dreaming of—but with this sudden opportunity placed before him, he doesn’t know what to do... and is he really cut out to date someone as awesome as you? Wishing for a partner is immensely different than actually having one. Rather than immediately accepting the confession, he’ll hesitate before quickly realizing that he shouldn’t think, deciding that acting fast is probably the better option as compared to standing and worrying. He doesn’t want to lose you, after all! He’ll jump at you with open arms as if miraculously brought to life by your smile, nuzzling the living Hell out of your head. Wow, wow! A partner! How awesome! His thoughts won’t be very profound... nor will his speech. He’s pretty puppy-like in disposition. Despite being a bit worried about the future, though, he’s elated—especially because it’s you who likes him, not some rando or Totoko. I headcanon that his “crush” on her is just his version of coping with the fact he has nothing he truly came up with on his own. So, crushing on someone gives him the same sensations related to finally having his own idenity... but that’s a thought for another post. Anyways, your confession leaves him undeniably euphoric, really. He won’t exactly tell you that he feels the same, but it’s kinda obvious in the way he begs to kiss your cheek and tell his brothers about your confession.

I’ll be real with you; he’ll definitely want to show you off and the fact that you confessed first. You best prepare yourself for that. 

Karamatsu : Did you say “lots of blubbering?” “Many futile attempts to hide his obvious tears?” Like Osomatsu, Karamatsu simply cannot believe someone as elegant and as beautiful as you returns his cheesy affections. It’s no secret that he’s a very emotional, guarded man who hides the truth behind painfully obvious facades of cringy confidence and things of that nature. Upon hearing your words, he‘ll stop whatever he’s doing and stare at you as if you single handedly fought off a horde of angry people, lips agape and eyes wider than saucers with tears already forming in the corners. He did not just hear you say that! By the gods! He definitely tries to mask his joy with those obnoxiously cringy phrases he loves, calling you his muse while claiming he knew this would happen—who can resist such a man as he? Yet... when push comes to shove, that persona of his is faltering immediately as soon as you laugh or even smile at his attempt to play it cool. I can tell you that much. As his tears finally fall, overwhelmed by just how euphoric you make him feel, he’ll let you comfort him like the man-baby he is. He’s just so overwhelmed that you, the light of his life, finally feels the same about such a lowly NEET like himself! Although crying like an infant, he’ll try and confess his own feelings in an attempt to win your affection further. What a dork!

Choromatsu : Don’t expect a dramatic reaction from this guy. On the surface, he’ll manage to stifle his joy and surprise well enough to smile at you, timidly (yet effectively) expressing himself in return. Great! Romance! However, on the inside, he’s indefinitely a panicked mess, stressed and worried about what he should say and do from this point onward. Dating? Who is she? He doesn’t know her—especially anything having to do with “wooing” you. Prior to your confession, he hardly flirted with you at all! He’ll definitely crack from time to time during his own confession, stuttering every so often, incapable of looking into your eyes for any extended period of time. If you want to see his composure fall, just kiss him, hug him, or try to hold his hand. Even quicker than Karamatsu’s facade, his unbothered approach will quickly melt into that whimpering mess we’re familiar with. Once he’s true to himself, though, he might even calm down and effectively convey himself without tripping over his words. You can expect to see a very prominent reddish hue on his cheeks. It compliments him greatly!

I’d also like to mention that he’s definitely the most obvious when it comes to his crush on you. I honestly don’t make the rules; I only enforce them!

Ichimatsu : This one is a bit tricky. While it’s easy to assume he wouldn’t have much of a reaction to your confession, it’s more accurate to say that his reaction would be the most negative out of his brethren. No, he won’t shoot you down, but he won’t say yes either. He’ll instead look at you in complete disbelief, confined to silence for a moment, before uttering that he doesn’t believe you and that you’re just trying to make him look like an idiot. If I’m being realistic, you’d probably have to space your confession out over the span of two days in order to reach the best results. You need to give him some time to sit and think through the thought of dating someone. Even though he adores you and your presence a lot—more than anything else—he views himself as garbage; someone unfit for love. He never would have imagined that his tiny crush would lead to this. If you confess to him and give him a day to think, however, you’ll find that Ichimatsu really is just misunderstood and touch-starved, desperate to find the love and support he has been dreaming of. He needs someone in his life who is willing to be patient with him and his struggles. The fact you are willing to wait for his indecisiveness to pass shows just how reliable you can be for him within a relationship. He’ll return to you the next day and wordlessly embrace you, ready to try something outside of his comfort zone. As long as it’s you he’ll be dating, he doesn’t really mind!

Jyushimatsu : Yeah... you can anticipate a lot of smiles and a lot of jumping up and down with flappy arms. He’ll definitely find your confession to be the most exciting thing ever, but it’s important to remember that Jyushimatsu is very, very incapable of keeping still and expressing himself with words (due to a lame vocabulary), so it’s advised to be patient with him and read his behaviors closely. Instead of expressing his own feelings with words, he’ll excitedly lunge at you and wrap you in his strong arms, absolutely ecstatic over the fact that his crush reciprocates his feelings. Internally, his mind is one with his outward demeanor, fueled by the ideas of what the two of you can do together now that he knows you feel the same. Again, while he may not express his love with words, the way in which he actively tries to kiss your cheek is a pretty solid indicator that he feels the same. Honestly, his reaction to being confessed to isn’t too different from his typical way of expressing himself to you. Prior to your confession, he always greeted you with a huge embrace! Now that he knows you feel the same, though, expect a lot of kisses and a lot of super tight hugs. You probably won’t get a confession out of him at all; you’ll have to ask him if he truly wants to start a relationship or not. Communication is always important. Although it may be hard to communicate with someone as exitable as him, it’s very important and he’ll appreciate it immensely! Trust me.

Todomatsu : Honestly, compared to the rest of his brothers, this guy’s reaction ought to be the most casual and, dare I say it, assertive of the bunch. His siblings are all painfully starved from social interaction and proper enactments of adulthood, so it’s no surprise that they’ll react like children when finally given the opportunities they have been dreaming of for years and years. Todomatsu, however, has grown to be a more social man when posed aside his extremely toxic brothers, constantly hanging out with girl after girl and guy after guy in order to climb to the top of his sextuplet home life. It’s no surprise that he’s the most unbothered by your confession of love. Upon hearing your confession, he’ll blush a bit while placing a smirk on his cheeks, dead set on teasing the Hell out of you. Being a tease is his specialty, after all. Even if he’s a bit embarrassed on the outside, he’s ready to assert whatever dominance he can. It’s cute, honestly, but that doesn’t mean he won’t comment on your confession or crush.

“Wow, Y/N-chan has a crush on me? How sweet!”

“Finally coming around, huh? You’re so cute.”

However, deep inside, peering around his two-faced nature and desire to be the best of his brothers, he’s shocked with your confession, feeling like a pampered prince who has just touched the most lavish cushion ever crafted by man. Finally! His efforts have been noted! You can expect to receive a hug or a kiss as he admits to liking you back. While it may not be the most extravagant reaction, your upcoming relationship will make up for it. I promise!

[borkthemork]

In Dreams - Steven’s Dream Analysis

The episodes have taken out my kneecaps, so it’s now time for another symbolism analysis post!

Of course, I’ve been waiting for a long time for an episode such as this so I’m gladly jumping it; however, what we should keep noting is how dream interpretation will always branch out when it comes to connotations. So when we discuss “In Dreams”, any interpretation could be plausible since the elements found in the reveries could be viewed in differing ways depending on the angle of perspective.

I’ll be jumping around a lot since this won’t be the casual essay type of thing with transitions, it’ll more so be different portions where I bring my own interpretations into the mix and feel free to add onto it!

Anyway, let us begin!

Dream One (The Beginning)

For dreams, we usually have an intention or metaphorical usage found in different ways actions or scenes are being portrayed. The first dream is able to encapsulate a great deal of what Steven wants: the ability to live his life without feeling like his purpose of being present could only be done in the circumstances of heroism.

You see this play out with how Steven arrives at his own home, a place of familiarity. What is being shown is the ideal situation, what Steven wants to attain in the conscious world; it even shows the feeling of comfort or homeliness in the characters found inside of the building too!

Most of the people found inside are perceived by Steven to be enjoying luxury or a path of success. Lars definitely emphasizes this if we go back to how Steven, no matter how composed he had to be for Lars’s departure, still has a harm time coping with the fact that Lars is out there with his own objectives and goals — something new to pursue without Steven in the picture.

This opportunity of entry disappears from him. In dream interpretation, this is actually seen as a lack of entry towards a goal or objective and how one sees their ability to get to it.

The cookie cat has a chock full of content when it comes tothe placement of where it is in the dream. For one, there’s always the consideration of size difference, which always perpetuated the emphasis towards control, stability, the amount of domination in the situation.

What we’re seeing here is cookie cat looming down on him, while he’s very small compared to it, a classic showing of lack of control, the inability to feel dominant in a situation.

Secondly, the cookie cat is a specific symbol because if we could connect this to Steven, this could be seen in a few ways: his childhood innocence or his past.

“Steven, no one needs your help. So why are you still here?”

Cookie cats were always some form of correlation to a younger time, a childhood where it wasn’t tainted by the responsibilities towards the Crystal Gem motto, and since it’s been told numerous times by people that cookie cat has a backstory that parallels Pink Diamond (seen in the lyrics of leaving his family behind and the visual division of cookie cat’s colors) it is akin to seeing the past come back to tell him that he’s not allowed, that he doesn’t deserve, the opportunity of being happy with his friends and family.

That the only way for him to be happy with them is to be useful, helpful, and seeing the cookie cat — being very domineering and controlling of this principle — remove him from any access to that opportunity goes to show what Steven is internally feeling at the moment.

And then there’s the falling.

Falling in dreams always came back to the feeling of control in one’s situation, and Steven doesn’t feel that way (no shit).

He’s been told by his childhood paradigm that he can’t be happy, that people won’t be with him now that he’s perceived worthless in their eyes, and having him fall into an endless abyss away from his source of happiness and opportunity shows that feeling of helplessness so well.

Dreams 2-5 (CPH Dreams)

Now, there’s a post that explains the second dream a lot more for the potential dream symbolism of the Diamonds appearing. I’ll link it in the reblogs just so we can get it out of the way.

However, there’s a lot of significance in a few key pieces of imagery being seen that point to the fact that the past is coming back, and repression won’t help him now that it’s slipping into the conscious.

For psychology, repression and suppression are always an interesting topic to discuss because there’s always discussion on the idea of how even if someone attempts to cope and push away the origins of one’s anxieties into the unconscious, there’s always a way for them to slip into the forefront. What we’re seeing here is that: Steven finding the sources of his pain (or events he never had full closure over) being brought up again into remembrance.

What I also find interesting is that even though the montage shows such a comedic viewpoint, there’s an underlined grizzly context to many of the other occurrences found throughout it. 

The use ofDogcopter (another piece from Steven’s childhood) as a form of visual symbolism of separation, especially when it’s integrated into the shape of his three main caretakers (who influenced his Atlas complex heavily), continues the underlying fear that Steven still believes that he will be alone — that overall his childhood is disappearing and his connections are assumed to follow suit in that matter.

The imagery of baby Steven brings up an interesting tidbit about Carl Jung’s view of children when it comes to adulthood and care, especially if it seeps out of one’s subconscious into the conscious mind.

In every adult there lurks a child — an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and calls for unceasing care, attention, and education. That is the part of the personality which wants to develop and become whole. -Carl Jung (Vol X. No. 10)

In other words, there’s a potential for yearning for care that hasn’t been fully given ever since childhood or that there’s a wanting for development, for something that can fulfill one’s character to its full completion until we can go into the next cycle of our life.

We could also interpret symbols to the state of hopelessness, lack of control, etcetera, so there are many more ways to view this when it comes to Steven and his current storyline. However, for the sake of keeping it short, I’ll bring the sources to the reblogs.

Dream 6 (The End)

Prior to the beginning of dream six, the fear of Steven’s usefulness to Peridot becomes a major concern for him as the episode goes on. He doesn’t want to lose another friend or become distant to them, and sadly, it shows a lot with this last dream shown.

However, before we can do that, let’s talk about Connie.

Now, I could joke that this is dream symbolism for Steven wanting to be stepped on, but there are a few ways to interpret this fully.

For one, this is another example of size difference being used as a form of dichotomy between control and lack thereof. For the first interpretation, since Connie is imprinted into the face of Obsidian, we could see this as another concern in Steven’s mind: that Connie has a handle on her life and what she plans to do while Steven feels helpless to what he even plans to enjoy or partake in now that his main task of Crystal Gem recovery has now been completed.

One could also say that this is another form of anxiety wrapped in another source of concern when we remember that Steven and his family got stepped on in CYM before Sunstone could save them. That was another moment where he almost died so it wouldn’t be surprising to see the idea of it getting placed into his subconscious as well, even if it’s very unlikely for me to interpret it as such.

Now let’s go to Peridot.

Before the introduction of her dream self, use of childhood imagery comes back once again with Steven’s old bedroom. Waking up in it could be seen as one harboring thoughts or a mindset that still permeates in the past and the prior, something that still hangs in one’s thoughts even in adulthood.

For Peridot’s dream self, even though the static is from real Peridot’s attempts to disconnect Steven from the dream, this plays once again to the imagery of vision and the soul in Steven Universe’s world. The disconnect to one’s person (soul and mindset), the feeling of being unable to reach out to a person, is there. He’s afraid; this is what he feared: Peridot is going to leave him now that he has failed, that he didn’t play the part for what she wanted him to do — he’s scared shitless of another person leaving him behind to pick up the pieces.

He believes that she has the opportunity to go forward into the future, to her own life, while there’s him, his opportunities closed off, unable to climb them from how arduous they are in scale.

Unable to touch her, to be able to keep close contact.

Unable to stop her from leaving.

But these are all fears, assumptions, and anxieties.

It doesn’t have to be like that. It doesn’t have to define you.

[phoenixyfriend]

The Catboy Valois AU

This one is a little cursed, and inspired by this Totally Spies post.

This AU does contain some nsfw content, which I will place at the end of the post and mark for (it’s right after the dog pics). Once again, this was brainstormed on the GG server, back in October of 2019. Biggest contributor other than myself was @atagotiak​.

So I decided that, at some point, I need to see one of those inexplicable and very horny modern catpeople AUs.

Where a fraction of the population just happens to have cat ears and tails etc. for... minimal reason.

Tarvek def has them. Bc twink. Sticking to the tropes, you know.

All the Valois are catpeople because most of history didn't have the option of interbreeding, just coexisting. Something something sterile hybrids because chromosomes.

Andronicus Valois, Catboy King

Lucrezia was full human and Aaronev never had a chance.

"Most of history" because recently they scienced up ways to get around it, so there are catperson/human hybrids, like Gil and Zeetha (Klaus is human, Zanta is not).

Klaus is kinda glad Gil has cat ears bc this makes people automatically assume he can’t be the dad even if they realize it’s technically possible.

This means Agatha gets her boys.

The human (Lars), the hybrid (Gil), and the cat (Tarvek).

Anevka's initial robot body doesn't have the cat features just due to the fact that Tarvek was aiming for Bare Minimum, and then when he added them in later she decided she liked being able to pick when she had them.

I am morally obligated to reblog the callout art @mercurialvoid​ did for me a few years ago.

We’re not gonna talk about that, though.

human Othar/catgirl Anevka

SCENT MARKING

It's considered Undignified but everyone still DOES it, just... discreetly.

Agatha thinks nothing of it when Zeetha rubs their cheeks together while training and then someone looks at her funny and asks if that's her girlfriend or something.

And Agatha Realizes that she's currently got Belongs-to-Zeetha scent on her and has to scramble to explain that Zeetha kind of adopted her as a little sister because it's the closest approximation she can come up with that still has Acceptable Connotations.

I think platonic marking is a THING but mostly within families, children, and really close female friends, like holding hands. (Toxic masculinity does apply.)

And kolee-zumil is effectively family relationship.

Agatha can't SMELL the scent markings but she gets used to them.

Also like. There's probably different levels of scent marking depending on the body part. Wrists and cheeks are different.

Jagers that used to be catboys have better senses of smell, and are the ones sent to find a Heterodyne.

Agatha and Lars make out but don't go all the way because Agatha is not ready. (Meanwhile, Zeetha can literally smell how horny these dumb kids are.)

TINY BABY GILVEK FACE NUZZLES WHILE STILL ON CW:

(Imagine how much more dangerous the baby gilvek airship-exploring shenanigans would be given one is a catboy and the other is half catboy.)

Gil just kinda scent marks on literally everything/everyone. The boy is affection-starved well into adulthood. He probably purrs too. And purring is probably considered kinda undignified.

Tarvek purrs when he’s designing clothes in his head. He’s embarrassed when he realizes. Everyone thinks it’s cute tho.

Also when crafting super-complicated diabolical plans.

Purring isn’t very diabolical. So it’s embarrassing and doesn’t fit with the aesthetic at all.

It’s hard to do an evil scheme while being an image-conscious catboy.

Gil only. Sort of knows how to cat. He's not very good at it. Zulenna helped but...

Is Von Pinn a cat? Gut says yes. Though it makes it less likely she'd be mistaken for Lu as the students did, but hey! She’d appreciate that.

She probably wouldn’t know how to cat.

Or maybe she would, given we’re assuming hereditary and she was made for Andronicus... She probably knows a bit abt how to tell other people how to cat, but she doesn’t know how to cat herself.

The Muses... not designed to look like catpeople. Ruined the minimalist bodies RVR was going for, going by canon's lack of consistent ears or noses

Agatha does not realize at first that Von-Pinn is a cat-lady because her ears match her hair and every time she sees Agatha her ears go back, and the tail is hidden under the hobble dress.

Otilia is very happy to go from catwoman body to Giant Metal Cat body

KITTY BANGLADESH DUPREE

She's got a faint pattern to her fur that's, on closer inspection, very much indicating she's a PANTHER.

Consider: Tarvek starts working himself up into a frenzied panic and the nearest Trusted Person starts petting him to calm him down and he like. Melts.

TBH tho, a good portion of canon Tarvek’s behaviour can already be described as “cat does something stupid and immediately after attempts to pretend he has dignity even though everyone saw the stupid thing.”

Once Tarvek calms down... Lazy Cat Time.

OH

NECK PINCH

CH would be ecstatic that Agatha snagged two suitors, then swing around to devastated that they’re both catboys, and maybe delusional enough to attempt to cut the ears/tails off like that’d solve anything then come around to “well there’s always science” once it’s fixed.

All Valois have high necks on their outfits, at least at the back

So nobody tries to Deactivate The Cat

(One less thing for Anevka to worry about.)

Because, you know. Canon decided to cut Agatha in half to acquire an heir, so we can’t exactly say the Castle is all that sensible.

It does calm down once Agatha mentions she has Lars, though.

Per @lyratalus​: Krosp could be... so much more dangerous in this AU. What if he was designed to be emperor of all catpeople?

Cats never do what they're told anyways, and you can’t really control people without wasps, but the attempt was made! Vapnoople was ambitious!

Long story short, there's a spark of Something but then they just bat him off the table.

Imagine Seffie making Martellus Stop by deactivating the cat

Violetta is the cutest lil catgirl...

SHE GETS REALLY BRISTLEY WHEN SHE'S MAD

HE'S NOT A TWINK AND IT'S WEIRD. Not even a twunk???

Martellus is

So fucking ODD for a catboy

Like it HAPPENS but it means that human women are more likely to find him attractive than catgirls (and even that's a bit of a long shot on the basis of personality).

(Gil excused from the catboys-are-twink-to-twunk rule on the basis of being half human, and his dad being Basically A Wall.)

That said, for Andy I’m gonna go with "buff as fuck but sooooooo charismatic that all the catgirls, and human girls, flocked to him anyway."

So that’s at least two Bara catboys in this AU

Tarvek is canonically more or less the same size/shape as Gil, but... in my heart, Tarvek’s a twunk. He’s got muscle but he's not AS big, and he's got intense Twink energy, especially since Tarvek actually is queer.

(And they're both straight so they're not even technically bara, just Buff.)

(Not twinks either but...)

(Twink is a fun word.)

Colette is human and Seffie isn't but they'd need science for babies ANYWAY so who cares? It's a lot of Seffie laying her head in Colette's lap and purring as she falls asleep because Colette just keeps petting her.

Catboy Martellus still makes sparkhound shapeshifters. He's a catperson...  but he's still a Dog Person.

Martellus and his dynamic with the sparkhounds:

He loves them, they love him. But they’re embarrassing sometimes.

THIS MARKS THE BEGINNING OF THE NSFW CONTENT

ANYWAY back to the point, which is that a lot of these catperson AUs are just... really super horny.

Which is valid.

Ears are technically erogenous zones for everyone but for the cat people... it's a Lot. It's also not like. Inherently sexual? But it can be. Like spooning. It feels nice ALWAYS but with the right person it's also HORNY.  Or like brushing someone else's hair. 

Ear rubs and headpats that result in like, intense sensation? Good actually.

Also I’m declaring that catpeople have heats. Or at least like. Heightened mating seasons? Extra horny times.

So you have Agatha and Lars normal, Gil kinda horny and confused, and Tarvek rubbing himself against the nearest spouse in hopes that someone's going to fuck the living daylights out of him.

Valois probably take suppressing things as a matter of course bc it’s hard to stay alert to assassination attempts when overwhelmingly horny. When Tarvek deliberately forgoes them eventually, everyone is touched by how much trust it shows.

Without suppressants, the horny is either something you can cope with or something that is intense but comes in Very brief periods. Either one day a month, or a week twice a year? Something like that.

Honestly though, imagine if Gil tried to hide being a catperson for the sake of the Empire or some nonsense, and had to just suffer when in heat?

Agatha likes to watch the boys go at it because there's something about Fangs On Neck that's super pleasurable for cat people and she can't provide that for Tarvek but Gil certainly can.

Bonding marks aren't a thing but possessive biting is.

(Since birth control is so easily accessed in GG, I feel like Lu’s opinion of catboys would be a super gross objectifying thing.)

(Which. Yeah.)

(Lucrezia basically has that opinion on any man in canon that isn’t immediately useful to her for science reasons.)

[mudwingpropaganda]

Dragon Tears

“Dragons don’t cry” is not simply just a cultural statement made up by the hostility of the dragon world. There’s a “biology” that somewhat supports this cause. 

The way I learned how tears work, there are essentially vials in your brain full of juice. They have different flavors depending on which emotion vial they’re in. But when you feel an immense emotion, the juices begin to fill and overflow, and that overflow leaks from your eyes. But because dragons aren’t exactly human, and still need to behave like animals, aggressive and territorial and confident, there is a distinct difference between their emotions and ours.

Dragons vials are essentially much bigger. These emotions motivate them to go in for the kill on prey, to defend their territory and their loved ones with their possible last breaths, and to cope with death and disappointment because this world is hostile and dragons need to kill other dragons to survive. 

So when a dragon cries, they’re at their very limit, defenseless and brokenhearted to all ends. 

It’s a popularized tradition between the most hardcore of dragon parents to discourage their children from crying. If they cry too often, their vials will never grow to their massive dragon sizes, and they will overflow much too often and prevent their dragonets from seeing clearly once they’ve reached adulthood. Because aside from showing emotional weakness, crying is also visually impairing, and dangerous if you get worked up in a fight for your own life.

Different dragon tribes tend to have different tolerances for emotional overflow: 

IceWings are outright forbidden from crying. Simply shedding a tear over an insult that truly hit deeply is cause for a drop between circles. Dragonets learn early that there is no place for tears in their tribe, unless you desire to be outcast to the very outer circles of the IceWing kingdom.

SandWings come closely behind. Aside from crying being a surefire way to show obvious weakness in the harsh and ruthless dunes, SandWings are also superstitious that tears are the quickest way to suffering from heat exhaustion and further, heat stroke, as the body releases essential salts and liquid in your body.

Due to the longstanding air of mystery and superiority, NightWings have strong opinions about tears. There are legends rooted in NightWing tears being valuable in alchemy and scrying arts (heheh. s-crying) so unless their dragons cry for the bigger picture, crying is punished. Especially in front of other tribes. (The resurgence in mindreaders, however, bring a newfound appreciation for tears, and growing the kingdom alongside RainWings helps break NightWings of this emotionally concealing identity.)

SkyWings were once historically significant for their arts, especially preforming arts. Back then, forcing tears upon your snout on stage was considered art. During the bloody escalation of SkyWing queens like Scarlet, crying was similarly considered a weakness, though, more common at their high altitudes and smoky enviornments, so most crying was pardoned, and is being pardoned as they revert back to their artistic traditions.

MudWings are somewhat lax about tears. Though, to gather the respect of other tribes, they tended to avoid tearing up when other tribes were around during the SWS. MudWings are more emotionally vulnerable and trust their sibs to cry in front of. Though, not all sibs are as accepting of expressions of emotion.

SeaWings don’t quite punish tears, as they’re traditionally drenched and water drips off them anyway. But sobbing in front of superiors is disgraceful and almost a sense of disloyalty. Only royalty may publicly cry, as popularized by Queen Coral’s devastation over her daughters and husband.

RainWings are about the only emotionally accepting tribe on Pyrrhia. Their emotions are quite literally always on their sleeves, so they see no point in discouraging crying. They’re a better tribe at comforting and sympathizing, despite Queen Glory’s original fear of vulnerability. 

I don’t know enough about canon Pantalan tribes. I imagine, from my own personal headcanons, that because the Pantala tribes are so much smaller than Pyrrhian tribes, they cry more often. Though, they don’t typically do, due to their relative luxury. (Again, in my headcanon the Tree Wars, the slavery, that’s all going to be overwritten.) The bug tribes don’t cry often but are capable of it, and are not necessarily looked down upon for it. LeafWings, on the other hand, have more diverse uses for their tears, due to their unnatural, plant-like attributes. As a result, crying is a more thrilling process, to see if they reflect saps, amber, nectors, or anything of the like, if they change with their emotions. Sticky tears are harder to hide, as well, so most LeafWings don’t mention them unless the individual brings it up.

In the end, the reaction tears get depend on the individual. Like our reality, crying in front of other people is embarrassing, and that’s tenfold for dragon society. It’s still interesting to consider, however.