#anyways I appreciate everyone who’s been normal to me but I’m an introvert for a reason

[rottenlittlefink]

… so like,

[essycogany]

Rare But Not So Rare Sonic Moments Being Both Extroverted And Introverted

Game!Sonic is more of an Ambivert then you’d think.

Disclaimer: My opinions on Sonic as a character tends to be mixed since I didn’t grow up with this franchise. Forgive me if I have conflicting points of views on this blue brat with his inconsistent characterizations.

I’m not expecting everyone to agree with me. Sonic being an introvert is such an agreed upon head-canon in this community. But I would like to fairly appreciate both introverted and extroverted sides to Sonic. I couldn’t pick between the two regardless because Sonic’s character has always been everywhere, but I like the blue hedgie in general. So, I’m going to gush about both of them.

Traits

This is my personal take, but I’ll do my best to describe them. I’m not speaking for everyone who caries these. To not make things complicated, I’ll use two characters who fit each personality trait the most. In my subjective views anyways.

Introvert: Someone who isn’t outgoing. Who prefers to be alone in their thoughts then be surrounded by people. Introverts spend time with one or two people instead of large groups and gets exhausted by social interactions very quickly. They also don’t like getting too much attention from others either.

Shadow and Whisper

Extrovert: An outgoing person who prefers to be with others and thrives in hanging out with large groups of people. Extroverts enjoy social interactions and can start a conversation with most people. Their energy is gained by spending time with different people and getting attention from them.

Tangled and Amy

Ambivert: A mixture of an introvert and extrovert. They enjoy both stimulating and none-stimulating environments. Can start a conversation with strangers, but enjoy doing their own thing. They gain energy by being in small or large groups simultaneously.

Sonic and Tails

Where Does Sonic Fall Into These Categories?

Let me start with Sonic X’s Sonic. For this analysis, it’s important to discuss different mediums of him to get my point across clearly. I might get off course and discuss how certain characteristics are due to the personality more then what normally falls into personality traits. Hold onto something!

Sonic X: He doesn’t enjoy people praising him and mostly talks to people who speaks to him first. He tends to not be much of a chatter box and is not in the show as much as you’d expect. This Sonic prefers to go off on his own then spend time with his friends at the beach in one episode. In another Sonic bails on his invitation to meet the President in order to spend time with his new friend, Helen.

Showing how he prefers to be with a few amount of people then with a group. He even leaves the group in a bunch of episodes to have his alone time. Sonic also doesn’t like hugs all that much unless he’s protecting someone, (mostly Amy) but I’d say that falls more into personal choice more than having to do with him being an introvert. Especially since he hugged Chris in one episode.

Even in Sonic’s more extroverted depictions he can be awkward with hugs. That being said, my hot take is this Sonic is one of two variants who fully commits to being introverted. Which is not a surprise because of reasons I’ll get into later.

Here’s where I’ll talk about his extroverted variants. I’ll start with Movie and Prime Sonic, since they fall into this personality trait the most.

Movie!Sonic: He lived alone for most of his life after his caretaker “Long Claw’s” sacrifice. Sonic had to raise himself by watching action movies on his soon to be families television. Due to his lack of interactions, love, or anything outside of being alone, he has a mental breakdown and his powers takes over his emotions. Causing the entire world’s lights to shut down.

Once he starts meeting different people he gets ecstatic and has fun with the situation. Getting into different shenanigans with his soon to be father, Tom. Again, Sonic Wachowski has been alone for years. Which makes his reasons of being extroverted make sense.

Prime!Sonic: (I deem this version of the character as not canon, so I’ll treat him as such.) Prime!Sonic is naturally affectionate and open towards anyone and everyone. Even Eggman by the end of the show. Like Movie!Sonic, he hates being alone and is very optimistic when it comes to interacting with people. The First Episode of the show: Sonic: “Are you ignoring me? You’re ignoring me. Why are you ignoring me?! WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME?!”

He inspires others to become their better selves because he reaches out to them and often talks about trust and expressing yourself. Almost every Sonic does, but this energetic ball of stubbornness is the least subtle about it. His naivety seems to be both the worst and best aspect of his character. Worst because it gets really repetitive and best because you can understand how much compassion he has for people.

It getting out of hand at times is more of a flaw in the writing then the character, but I digress. I’d say Prime!Sonic is very emotionally honest with himself, but even in the show he internalizes his emotions at times. It’s not often, but still happens. Proving you don’t have to be introverted in order to want to keep your emotions to yourself.

Ep 3 Of Season One: Nine: “Are you okay?” Sonic: “Yeah, I’m fine.” Obviously wasn’t true. You can tell when this guy is holding back his emotions. All be it not perfectly.

Every Other TV Show Or Comic Depiction Of Sonic: Even if these adaptations are different in some regard, they all carry the core extroverted side to Sonic. Just not as much as the first two.

They are way more egotistical and wants to be the center of attention. (Archie!Sonic is literally a celebrity in his universe.) Likes their alone time, but mostly hangs out and fights with friends. Talks to a bunch of people, and so on.

Let’s finally get into the main canon Sonic.

Game!Sonic: Sonic is 100% an introvert in his Japanese depictions. It’s the same story as Sonic X. In terms of how Sonic’s written in the country he was created in, he is a complete introvert. Like being shy when it comes to being complimented (especially when people view him as an authority figure) In the American dubs before Pontiac and Graff wrote for the games, Sonic’s almost the same way. But as time went on especially during IDW’s run, Sonic tends to be pretty extroverted. It’s mostly how he’s depicted in the west if the examples before means anything.

Even beforehand he’s been more extroverted then one would think. He talks to strangers and in almost every game meets someone new. He doesn’t get exhausted or needs solitude afterwards either.

Sonic always could be around more than a few people at once. Sure, he doesn’t mind being alone, but again you don’t have to be an introvert in order to enjoy being alone. And there are plenty of introverts who talk a BUNCH with the people they’re most comfortable with. Then extroverts who can take the time to listen to others when needed. It all depends on the person.

That goes for Sonic keeping his emotions to himself. No matter where people fall, some may feel the need to keep their emotions to themselves. Extroverted or not. Especially since Sonic from X has expressed himself before. It’s just not as common for him.

I also feel the blue hedgehog does it so everyone else can keep their heads up. His own included. I understand if anyone doesn’t agree with that take though. The classic era is a good example his ambivert traits as well. He starts out as a none talking loner, but soon starts talking and meeting different people. These are reasons I believe Game!Sonic’s an Ambivert.

I believe Sonic’s a leap before he thinks kind of guy and is bad at expressing himself. He can sometimes be talkative. Especially when it comes to going back and forth with other characters. Villains and rivals to be specific. Sonic’s stubborn about his morals and will stop at nothing to keep those morals. He’s introverted enough to take some time to himself and do things his way without anyone to stop him, but extroverted enough to inspire strangers to become great hero’s themselves.

Let me simplify it even further. The situation is Sonic getting praised by a crowd of people.

X: Gets overwhelmed and runs away.

Every Other Variation: Appreciates the praise and maybe even start flexing to boost his ego.

Game: Would humbly appreciate the cheers and probably leave or stay. It depends on his mood.

I don’t know if I got my point across very well, but I did my best. I honestly believe I might be alone with this take. Hope my rambling didn’t get too out of line.

Stay Creative! 💜

[robininthelabyrinth]

Hopefully I’m not too early but What if Jiang Fengmian went “they only asks for blood heirs” and gave Jiang Cheng up to the Wen Indoctrination Camp because he cannot bear Wei Wuxian going and possibly getting hurt. JC is very hurt by the blatant favouritism of his father but still went as his duty dictates. He somehow become close friends with Huaisang, MianMian, and Jin Zixuan. Please give me Jiang Cheng Protection Squad. MingCheng sort of happens? Thank you so much!

“…wow,” Nie Huaisang said when Jiang Cheng finished explaining. “That’s – that’s bullshit.”

Jiang Cheng flushed. Secretly, in his heart, he agreed a little bit with Nie Huaisang’s assessment, but at the same time he couldn’t just sit around while someone said things about his father…

“Before you say that I can’t say something like that, I’m not being cruel or dismissive, I’m describing the situation accurately using crude words,” Nie Huaisang said, holding up his hands. “It’s not the same.”

That…sounded wrong.

“Back me up here,” Nie Huaisang said to the others in their group. They’d been put into a single group by the Wen sect, all of them but Mianmian who’d snuck over by climbing a tree, and given a too-small, too-crowded tent to sleep in and a single fire pit to warm themselves. How that had let them to sitting by the fire and sharing stories of how they’d been sent here, Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure. “Sect Leader Jiang deciding that because the Wen sect only asked for blood heirs that he wouldn’t sent Wei-xiong here alongside Jiang-xiong because he might get hurt is a situation can be, and indeed must be, accurately described as being total bullshit, right?”

“…it kind of is,” Jin Zixuan said. “Sorry, Jiang Wanyin.”

“It definitely is,” Mianmian said, emboldened by her sect leader’s agreement. “Absolutely bullshit.”

Even Lan Wangji hummed. It was a pretty neutral sound, but it might be an affirmative hum.

Well, if everyone agreed…

Jiang Cheng’s shoulders went down a fraction from where they’d been hovering around his ears. 

“I wasn’t just taking it too personally?” he asked, seeking confirmation. “I mean, Father’s right – it doesn’t make sense to give the Wen sect two hostages when they’ve only asked for one, and there’s always the risk that Wei Wuxian would get hurt –”

“Your father should be concerned about whether you get hurt!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed, slapping the ground. “They don’t feed us, they make us work in the fields, and who knows what else…! When my brother heard about their request, he nearly killed the Wen sect’s messenger, he was so angry!”

“My mother was angry, too,” Jiang Cheng offered. “She and my father got into a big fight –”

Nie Huaisang jabbed a finger at him, rather rudely. “From the story you told, your mother only got really angry when she heard Wei Wuxian was staying behind.”

“…so?”

“There’s a difference between being upset over your son’s well-being and being upset that – that – that, I don’t know! That your favorite dog is losing the race!”

“My mother threw a vase at my father’s head when she heard that he’d agreed to send me here,” Jin Zixuan said quietly. He was actually a lot more tolerable without his retainers puffing him up and egging him on all the time, and having to work side-by-side in the fields had revealed that under the flash and arrogance there was an introverted boy who disliked dealing with people nearly as much as Jiang Cheng did. “Then she spent the next two days trying to find a way out of it, then hovered for the rest of the week before I left.”

“My father punched a wall,” Mianmian recalled. “Mother had to sit on him before he tried something crazy, like petitioning to remove me from the sect or something. Not that’d I’d ever have let Jin-gongzi come here alone, of course.”

“See?” Nie Huaiwang said, gesturing at them all. Lan Wangji hadn’t volunteered, but obviously no one would ask him, either; they’d all heard about the burning of the Cloud Recesses. No one had agreed to send him here. “Violence in response to an unreasonable request! Violence! Anything less is unacceptable!”

“You know, for the very first time, I think see your resemblance to the rest of the Nie sect?” Mianmian said, chin on her hand.

“You’re exaggerating,” Jiang Cheng said. “No, not about the resemblance, about – the other part. It’s not anywhere near as bad as you’re all making it out to be; Wei Wuxian’s always been my father’s favorite, and Mother’s always been angry about it. It’s not a big deal.”

“They should not compare you,” Lan Wangji said. He didn’t talk much, so everyone always listened when he did. “It is inappropriate.”

Jiang Cheng didn’t know what to do with that. He’d never not been compared to Wei Wuxian, not since he’d arrived at the Lotus Pier all those years ago…and maybe even before.

“Even Lan-er-gongzi agrees,” Nie Huaisang said, pulling his knees up and putting his chin on them with a pout. “It’s all bullshit, I’m telling you. I’m taking you back with me to the Nie sect when all this is over. If your parents want you back, they can come ask nicely.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Jiang Cheng told him.

“You could come to Lanling if you prefer,” Jin Zixuan said, and Jiang Cheng turned to stare at him. “What? Your mother and mine are friends. It’d be fine. I wouldn’t – it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“I’m the heir of the Jiang sect,” Jiang Cheng exclaimed, throwing up his hands. “I can’t not go back!”

“Don’t think of it as not going back,” Mianmian said. “Think of it as taking a long detour.”

“You’d like Qinghe,” Nie Huaisang put in. “My brother’s really cool. He gives great hugs.”

“I bet he does,” Mianmian muttered appreciatively.

“Gross, Mianmian.”

“He’s seventh on the list of most attractive male cultivators, and in my personal opinion should be a good few places higher up. Get used to it.”

“I don’t do hugs anyway,” Jiang Cheng interjected before he somehow got sold up the river – he knew how this sort of thing went. “Father doesn’t like them.”

“…your father hugged Wei Ying when he arrived at the Cloud Recesses to collect him,” Lan Wangji said neutrally.

“Fine. He doesn’t like them with me. Never did, not really, the whole time I was growing up…well, I mean, I guess he did sometimes when I was really young, before Wei Wuxian came...”

“Are you seriously saying your father hugs Wei Wuxian and not you?” Jin Zixuan asked. “And that he - he stopped hugging you when Wei Wuxian was there? Because that’s – that’s…”

“Bullshit?” Nie Huaisang suggested.

“Bullshit,” Jin Zixuan agreed with surprising vehemence.

“You’re exaggerating,” Jiang Cheng said.

“No,” Lan Wangji said.

“No, what? No they’re not exaggerating, no they’re not –”

“No. It is bullshit.”

“…did we just get a Lan to curse?” Mianmian asked, eyes wide. “I didn’t even know Lans were allowed to do that. Ever.”

“It is not a curse,” Lan Wangji said with dignity. “It is an accurate description of the situation.”

“Vindication,” Nie Huaisang hissed. How Jiang Cheng had missed that he was such a vicious little snake during their time at the Cloud Recesses, he had no idea, and judging by the amused expressions on everyone else’s faces, they felt much the same. “See, Jiang Cheng, this is why you –”

“Time to sleep,” Lan Wangji interrupted. His internal sense of time was more reliable than any clock when it came to sleeping and waking, and no one complained – if they stayed out much later than nine the Wen sect guards would come to accuse them of making trouble, and no one wanted to be labelled a trouble-maker.

Mianmian disappeared back over to the women’s camp – boring in comparison, according to her, but more likely she just wanted to keep her word about watching over Jin Zixuan – and the rest of them shuffled back to bed.

Some time later that night, when Jiang Cheng was lying in the middle of a pile of arms and legs he could no longer differentiate, he stared at the ceiling and asked quietly, “…is it really that bad?”

An arm looped around his waist tightened, and a foot lightly nudged him from the other direction.

“It’s not that it’s bad,” someone said, and their voice was so faint that he couldn’t tell which of the boys it was. “It’s that you deserve better.”

Jiang Cheng didn’t know what to say to that.

He continued not to know what to say the next day, but that was the day that they got forced to act as bait on a night-hunt into a giant lightless cave and Mianmian nearly got herself killed, followed very shortly by Jin Zixuan and Lan Wangji for standing up for her.

Under normal circumstances, Jiang Cheng would think first about his sect and only later about everyone else, and he tried, really, but – well, the Wens were attacking anyway, and somehow it’s Nie Huaisang of all people who hisses, “Get Wen Chao!” and Jiang Cheng had, and for a moment there it looked like they were going to be okay.

And then they all got stuck in a cave with a corrupted Xuanwu.

Minus the Wens, which was at least something.

“There are fresh maple leaves on the water,” Lan Wangji said. “There must be a way in and out.”

“I can dive in and check it out if someone distracts the Xuanwu,” Jiang Cheng offered. When they stared at him, he shrugged. “I’m a good swimmer.”

“You’d better be an amazing swimmer,” Jin Zixuan said. “I don’t want to have to plan your funeral.”

“I don’t think we get funerals here,” Nie Huaisang put in. “So if you die, you’ll stink up the whole place and we’ll all be very upset. I mean, gross!”

Jiang Cheng had by this point gotten used to Nie Huaisang’s – Nie Huaisang-ness, but it couldn’t be denied that everyone was a lot less terrified after listening to Nie Huaisang complain about nonsense for a bit. So much so, in fact, that it abruptly occurred to Jiang Cheng that maybe Nie Huaisang was doing it on purpose which…he wasn’t sure what to do with, so he decided to just put out of his mind.

Lan Wangji and Jin Zixuan put their heads together and eventually decided on each of them using a fire talisman as a distraction, alternating between them, while Jiang Cheng crept to the water and found a way out, which he reported back.

“Someone will need to stay behind as a distraction,” Lan Wangji said solemnly. His hands were clasped together, and Jiang Cheng knew what he was going to say before he said it.

“No way,” he said. “You’re not staying behind. If anything, I should; I’m the best swimmer, I might be able to get around it even if it’s not distracted.”

“You know where the exit is; it is better if you lead those going out.”

“A description will do the trick just as well,” Jiang Cheng argued. “And anyway, it’s not – it’s not as if I’ll be missed at home, the way all of you would be.”

They all glared at him, then, and he shrugged angrily.

“It’s true,” he said, and he could say it only because Wei Wuxian wasn’t there to stop him. He wouldn’t even think it, if Wei Wuxian was there; Wei Wuxian always knew when it was coming and interrupted him with a smile or a joke or something, and so the bitterness never got a chance to be let out. But he wasn’t here now, they were, and everyone else seemed to think it was all bullshit and maybe it was, okay, maybe it was. But it didn’t make it any less true. “My father has always said that Wei Wuxian understood the sect motto better than I did. He wouldn’t be upset at all if the sect went to him instead, and if I was dead or injured he’d probably just give him the Jiang surname in my honor or something. Let me be the one to stay.”

“Uh, question,” Nie Huaisang said. “Why does anyone have to stay? Can’t we just set up a trap or something?”

“A trap?” Jin Zixuan said. “What do you mean?”

Nie Huaisang shrugged and looked at Lan Wangji. “Do you know Chord Assassination?”

Lan Wangji blinked, surprised, but nodded.

“Okay, so, here’s the idea…”

It was an extremely stupid idea, based on using the chords as part of a pulley, some Wen sect soldiers and swords used as counterbalance weights, but as a distraction it worked pretty beautifully right up until the last moment when Jiang Cheng was helping Lan Wangji – whose leg was broken – swim through the water and the Xuanwu abruptly noticed that they were all going to leave and dashed after them, getting its head stuck in the exit hole they were using.

“Should we behead it or something?” Jin Zixuan asked, staring at the thrashing beast. “It can’t be allowed to hurt others.”

“Using what?” Mianmian asked, holding up a Wen sword in disdain. “These pieces of – well. These swords? It wouldn’t work.”

“I can still do Chord Assassination,” Lan Wangji said, and with all of them heaving together they were able to hold the string down tight enough to eventually cut the thing’s head off at the neck.

Nie Huaisang even used the opportunity to go pick out some sort of sword that was sticking out of the creature’s side, which he’d declared to be extremely ‘aesthetic’ if you looked at it from a certain perspective.

By that point, they were all exhausted, but no one wanted to stay a second longer in Qishan than they had to – especially since one of the small sect cultivators who’d wandered further away had seen Wens incoming – so Jiang Cheng put Lan Wangji, now totally exhausted, on his back and they all ran away.

“Come visit me in Qinghe sometime!” Nie Huaisang shouted, waving as the Nie sect disciples split off in a different direction. “I promised you some high-quality proper affection hugs from my da-ge, Jiang Cheng! Just you wait, you’ll see how good they are!”

(They are every bit as good as promised.)

[imagineyouandharry]

enemies to lovers harry!

Yes! So, I got super inspired by this and rushed to pump this little bad boy out. Feedback is highly appreciated! I’m thinking this will be part one of a series! I love collage au Harry it makes me all fuzzy inside. TYSM anon!!

GHB - Harry Styles

warnings: drug and alcohol use, drink spiking, not proofread or edited as it was made in haste. 

word count: 4,704

It wasn’t that Y/N and Harry just weren’t friends, they despised each other. Ever since Harry weaselled his way into their friend group things had turned upside down, the dynamic had shifted, and it was a new person that Y/N had to get used to. His confidence and outgoing personality overpowered her shy, introverted personality tenfold. College life was difficult enough. Not only was Y/N learning how to balance academics with maintaining a social life and going out to parties, navigating things new to her like alcohol, drugs, and sex; but now she had to adjust to this shift in their friend group, and get to know this new guy. Her friendship group was her safe place, ‘family’ dinners at each other’s apartments, going out to dinner at bars, even little things like going for walks or taking a new yoga or pilates class. Now, that safe place didn’t feel so safe anymore, having to get used to this new guy being around all the time that everyone gushed over. Harry seemed so warm to practically everyone in the group towards Y/N, though everyone seemed to be clueless towards it except for her.

Harry and Y/N shared one class together, educational psychology. She’d been studying education to become a primary school teacher, and he studied psychology. It felt so fucking ironic that the one class they would ever have overlapping, they’d end up in the same class, to add salt to the wound in the second lesson they had been assigned to do a group project together. Harry hadn’t even shown up to that lesson though, so he’d yet to even acknowledge it. It was the second semester of Harry being around and not only did he barely acknowledge her when their friends weren’t around, but now they were to be working on an assignment together and he hadn’t even managed to show up to the first lesson discussing the topic.

“No, I’m serious Sarah. I don’t want to go. He didn’t even show up to class today, why should I give him my time of day by showing up to his stupid fucking party?” Y/N’s words were followed by a deep sigh, the way she curled her hair as she stared in the mirror contradicted her words. If all her friends were going, she felt like she had no choice but to go to. If not, she’d get major FOMO. “Babe, you’re taking it way too personality. It’s not like either of you knew you’d end up partnered together for the assignment. I really don’t get why you’re always so sour towards him.” Sarah replied with a slight shake of her head. “It’s been what, six months and the two of you still stand on opposite sides of the rest of us in photos? It’s either crazy sexual tension, or the there’s something that’s happened that the rest of us don’t know about.” This time Sarah couldn’t help but laugh, however all of their friend group had been theorising for a while now that Harry and Y/N were just too into each other and both too stubborn to admit their feelings.

Y/N scoffed, turning the curling iron off and placing it down on the counter. “Sexual tension? ‘d rather cut off my left arm than even think of Harry in a sexual way.” Her words had venom to them this time, grabbing a brush to brush out and soften her curls. Although she claimed to not have any attraction towards Harry, she’d put far more effort into her appearance than usual, and was wearing this little satin sage green dress that was exaggerating her curves.

“Whatever, you ready? Uber’s out front.” Sarah pushed herself up from the closed toilet seat she’d been sitting on, Y/N finished work late and Sarah had been far too excited to wait to get ready. Harry lived in a share house in the suburb over, and Sarah had been begging him to throw a party for months now. “One last shot on the way out?” She asked, it wasn’t a question though, she was already on her way to the kitchen to pout them one last shot of tequila before leaving. Y/N nods and follows her out, grabbing her oversized leather blazer and little handbag on the way. Y/N was shy, but around Sarah she was usually a lot more vocal, there was just a great deal of nerves surrounding tonight. Y/N always tried her best to come off as outgoing at parties and around other peoples, but really she hated the crowds, hating having to make conversation with people she knows nothing about. After a few drinks that shyness often faded though, and was usually replaced with either a blabber mouth, or being far more flirtatious than normal.

Both of the girls hastily downed their shots before exiting the apartment, hustling down the stairs and out to their ride that awaited them outside. The ride wasn’t long at all, it was too short if anything, and was spent sneaking sips of tequila from a flask that Sarah had in her purse. “Let’s have some fun tonight, yeah? I know you aren’t best of friends with Harry but there’ll be plenty of other people there, I doubt you’ll even see him much.” Sarah tells Y/N as the car turned into his street, able to tell that her best friend’s attitude was off. “I get that. It’ll be fine, stop worrying about me, yeah? It’ll be fun.” Y/N replied with a slightly forced smile in attempt to shake Sarah off of her tail. The Uber arrived before the conversation could go any further, both of the girls slightly drunk already made their thanks to the Uber driver probably too over the top before they left and made their way up to the house. People were overflowing already, some sitting on the grass outside the large brick house. The door was unlocked so they made their way in, the bass inside so strong that Y/N could feel it on her fingertips on the doorhandles as she opened the door.

Now, it wasn’t that Harry was known as a bad boy around campus or anything of the sorts. Everyone knows he’s approachable and friendly, which was probably what added to his appeal. He had a bright personality and knew how to make people feel special to him, and for that and his looks girls flocked to him. Harry was known to be fun, handsome, and good to be around (to everyone except for Y/N, that is). It was a given that the party would be full of girls, and full of guys ready to clean up any of Harry’s sloppy seconds or rejects.

The first to formally greet Y/N and Sarah was of course Mitch, who had been on the lookout waiting for the two of them since he first arrived to help set up. “M’ladies, ‘bout time the two of you showed up.” The stupid grin on his face and the way he hugged each of them probably a little too hard was enough to give away that he’d been drinking quite a bit already. He already had a drink in his hand waiting for Sarah, planting a kiss to her forehead as he handed it to her. “Two hands so I could only hold two drinks, but there’s heaps in the kitchen. Grab a drink and come meet us outside for a smoke?” Mitch asked down to Y/N, she didn’t take offence to him not getting her a drink, and to be honest she’d rather make her own anyway. “You got it captain.” Y/N replied, giving the tall man a playful salute before she made her way to the kitchen, dodging bodies and conversations so she could get herself a drink.

That drink became much more needed when she entered the kitchen, her mouth going dry when she saw Harry leaning against the counter as he looked down at his phone, ferociously texting. He looked up when Y/N brushed past him to grab a cup, pouring in some tequila. “Not going to say hey?” He asked, raising his eyebrows. He grabbed the Sprite from the fridge, although they didn’t speak he still knew her go-to. “Looked busy.” She responds, her voice blunt. “Thanks.” She adds in regard to the Sprite as he passed it to her, her guilty conscience wouldn’t let her live down being so impolite if she didn’t thank him. “Didn’t know this party would still happen since you didn’t show up to class today. We got partnered up for the presentation assignment.” She adds, it was bugging her far too much to just let it slide. “Yeah, sorry. I was meant to be back in time, had to pick coke up off this guy a few towns over and he kept me waiting outside his place for like an hour. Fill me in on it all when I’m not drunk?” He asks, standing next to her as he mixed his own drink. “I guess, yeah. Don’t expect me to do all the work though, and I actually want to go well in this class so it wouldn’t hurt if you actually put in some effort.” Maybe it was the alcohol, but Y/N was being a lot more demanding than she usually was, and her demeanour a lot more cold and forward than she’d often let on.

“Fuck, alright. I think you need to pour a bit more into your drink and loosen up some more.” Harry laughs, shaking his head before he grabbed the bottle of tequila and added an extra splash to her drink. Y/N took her first proper look at Harry, only to shoot him a narrow eyed glare. It was hard to stay mad though, the tequila from pre-game and the Uber was making it harder to be serious and angry, and his outfit was enough to make her drool. He wore cream wide legged trousers that went to the floor, and a white ribbed tank top tucked in. By far he had the nicest taste out of any guy she’d ever met, that was hard to deny. It was just a house party, but people often took any excuse they could to dress up a little bit. On the other side of things, Harry couldn’t take his eyes off of Y/N. He was used to seeing her in her usually Nike sweats and vintage sweater, which he still thought she looked beautiful in regardless but he’d never admit that to anyone. To him, Y/N was untouchable. Sure people in their friend group dated like Sarah and Mitch, but he didn’t want to ruin things. That, and she seemed too uptight for him anyway, he often mistook her shy attitude as coming off as a snob, and the way she spoke about the stupid group assignment only drilled that view of her into Harry’s head further.

“Get out of it.” Y/N grunts, sliding her drink away from Harry. “Love, can we just pretend to get long for one night? Have a dance, have a drink. Do you want some coke or something? Or, I think there’s people hot boxing the upstairs bathroom if that’s more your speed.” Harry offers, attempting to extend the olive branch to the standoffish girl beside him. “I’m far too sober to take up any of those offers. Anyway, good talk. Let me know when you’re free to talk about the presentation. I’ll see you ‘round, Harry.” Y/N said, giving Harry a far too sarcastic smile before she grabbed her drink and made her way out to the backyard to find Mitch and Sarah.

A group of people sat out by a fire pit in the corner of the backyard, garden chairs and outdoor lounges circling the source of warmth. Mitch and Sarah had saved Y/N a spot, to which she happily plopped down into. “Took you long enough.” Sarah teased, elbowing her side. “Mm, cup shortage going on in there.” She said, taking a sip. She fished the little nicotine vape out of her bag, sucking on that as she looked into the fire. Alright, if you don’t lighten up already everyone’s going to think you’re a party pooper and a trash time to be around. Loosen up. Make friends. Her little pep talk in her head, and the sip of her stronger than usual drink courtesy of Harry was motivating enough to engage in conversation with some other people around the fire pit. Most were smoking actual cigarettes or joints, Y/N preferred the little flavoured vapes. She’d never been addicted, but smoked more as a social thing, and at least this way it didn’t taste bad and she didn’t smell like cigarettes.

Conversation flowed, Naomi and Adam joined them, but Harry was still inside. Everyone just assumed he was probably distracted with some girl, or attending to party host responsibilities. “I’m going to pop to the toilet really quick and grab another drink.” Y/N told Sarah once she’d polished off what was left in her cup. She got up and made her way inside, she didn’t get all too far on her journey to the bathroom before she was stopped by Max.

Y/N and Max had known each other for a while now, they’d hooked up at parties a few times before she came to her senses and started avoiding him while out. He wasn’t taking the rejection all that lightly. “Hey, been looking for you. Drink?” He asks, holding out the little red cup containing God only knows what. The alcohol pumping through her veins was prohibiting her from thinking about it too much. “Uh, thanks. Didn’t know you’d be here tonight, friends with Harry?” She asked as she took the cup, having a sip. Tequila and orange juice, not her favourite mix but it would do. Max shrugged. “Figured you’d be here, thought we could catch up. Come down and dance with me?” He replied, moving his hand to her waist which made her stomach turn. “Maybe later, I’m in a hurry though. I’ll see you later on.” Y/N managed to push herself past him, only to get caught in a group of girls from a sociology class she’d taken last semester.

The girls babbled on, and as they did Y/N managed to finish off her drink. By the time the cup was empty she was desperate for the bathroom, the conversations ended up lasting almost half an hour, ending with promises of ‘we have to catch up soon!’. When she managed to peel herself away from the girls she found the bathroom, ending up staying in there for a little while enjoying the solace of being alone. Things started to not feel right as she sat there on the bathroom floor. The room began to spin, and confusion began to set in about what was going on, or where she even was. Nausea began to set in, but she was too out of it to even begin to panic or use her phone to call or message anyone. The last thing she could remember was managing to lean over to vomit in the toilet before laying down on the floor as she lost consciousness, the cold tiles pressing against her bare legs.

Harry had been standing at the end of the hallway talking to Holly, a gorgeous girl from one of his classes that he’d been hoping to see tonight. Harry was an observant guy though, he always knew what was going on around him. From the corner of his eye he’d noticed Max give Y/N the drink, thinking not much of it as he knew that the two of them had hooked up before. Harry continued talking up and making out with the girl he stood with, making promises of having her over sometime to watch films and order in dinner. Harry would never take advantage of a drunk girl and had no intention of going any further with her than making out. The tall boy went downstairs to make himself and his girl of the night a drink, when he came back upstairs he noticed Y/N go into the bathroom. He continued his conversation with Holly, sipping their drinks as they laughed and flirted with each other. Concerns began to rise when Y/N never left the bathroom though, and it was like he began to sober up when he noticed Max making his way towards the bathroom. He set his drink down on the windowsill. “Give me a second.” He murmurs to Holly before he made his way to stand between Max and the bathroom door.

“This one’s occupied, mate. Try the downstairs bathroom.” He said, his voice stern. “Y/N texted me, said she wanted me to meet her in there.” Max replied, though Harry knew his phone had died at leat an hour ago as he heard him moaning about it to his mates. “Really? Because she just texted me saying she wanted me in there. I think it’s time for you to head off.” Harry stood his ground, matching his lies with his own. Harry was taller than Max, not necessarily more buff, but he was more intimidating when he wanted to be, and it was his house, full of his friends and people who would back him up. “You know what? Have fun. She’s too fucking difficult anyway.” Max was clearly disgruntled as he spoke, turning around and trudging off without another word.

Harry knocked on the bathroom door, pressing his ear against it to see if he could hear anything coming from inside. “Y/N? You alright, love?” He calls, his voice competing with the loud music pumping through the house. After a minute of no responses to his knocks or calls he made his way into the unlocked room, closing the door behind him. “Fuck.” He hissed when he saw the girl on the floor, immediately he took out his phone and ordered an Uber. He leant down and put her bag over his shoulder, making sure it had her phone and things still in it before scooping her up. The way her body was completely limp in his arms made him sick. How could anyone do this to someone? He made sure she was breathing, she was breathing loud enough that she was practically snoring in his arms. “Fuckin’ hell, pet.” He couldn’t help but sigh. Harry had always had a protective nature, and while he’d never admit his attraction towards Y/N he clearly cared about her enough to do this. He carried her outside to wait out in the fresh air for the car, ignoring any questions from people that tried to stop him. The rest of their friend group were still in the backyard, oblivious to anything going on.

He had decided he’d have to take her home, she wasn’t showing any signs of waking up soon. Holly wasn’t even an afterthought for Harry right now, too concerned with ensuring Y/N’s safety. When the Uber eventually did arrive he got in, being careful to do her seatbelt up before he did his as he told the driver where to go. “Big night, huh?” The driver laughs, Harry attempted a laugh in response. He didn’t want to look suspicious, or like he was the one that had drugged her. “Very big night, gotta get this one home to bed.” Harry replied, attempting to joke around with the driver for the rest of the ride. Y/N still showed no signs of regaining consciousness, he contemplated whether or not hospital was the right idea but he was also pretty knowledgable about this sort of stuff. Not that he’d ever date raped someone before, but Harry experimented with drugs himself and he’d researched GHB before and knew the side effects. It was just something that interested him, chemicals and the impact they had on the body. It came in handy too, like in situations like this.

Once the car pulled up to Y/N and Sarah’s apartment building he took her up, managing to hold her over one shoulder as he fished the keys out of his back and pushed inside. The paranoid part of him made sure to lock the door after them, in case Max decided to follow. He took her to her bedroom, laying her on the bed and taking her jacket and heels off before tucking her under the blankets. He didn’t want to change her, not wanting her to feel more violated than she already had been. In place of putting warm pyjamas on her he managed to find an extra blanket to put over her, then putting a glass of water and a box of Advil beside the bed before he went and sat down on the couch to finally breathe for a minute.

He felt guilty, even though it wasn’t his fault he felt like it fell on his shoulders. It was his party. He hadn’t known that Max was like that, hell, he barely knew the guy. He laid down on the couch as he thought about it, staring up at the ceiling. He would never forget the feeling of having her limp body in his arms, or seeing her unconscious on that bathroom floor. He wasn’t sure how much time passed as he laid there contemplating the evening, but eventually he fell asleep there, still fully clothed with his shoes on.

***

The pounding in Y/N’s head was what woke her up so early, when she reluctantly opened her eyes to check the clock beside her bed it read 6:12am. What the fuck happened, and how did I get here? She barely even remembered the events that led to her in that bathroom, and she definitely had no clue how she got home. She sat up slowly as if to not anger the headache she had, reaching out for the water and Advil that was beside the alarm clock. Although she wanted to just curl up and hide under the blankets, she knew that wouldn’t help, and the makeup still on her face wasn’t helping how she was feeling. After taking the pain killers she made her way to the bathroom to have a hot shower, closing her eyes as she leant against the wall letting the hot water run over her body to comfort her. It was jut her and Sarah that lived in the apartment, and occasionally Mitch would come over, so she just wrapped a towel around her body after towel drying her hair before she went out to the kitchen to make coffee.

On her way was when she noticed the snoring Harry on the couch, her eyes going wide as she tried to think about why on Earth he would be here. She figured they hadn’t done anything, considering he had slept on the couch and still had his fucking shoes on. She went to her bedroom and replaced the towel she was using to cover herself with a fuzzy white robe, then going to the kitchen to make coffee and wait for the Advil to kick in. Never had she ever get so hungover, she was usually blessed to never get bad hangovers, always making sure to drink loads of water and eat before bed after a night out. There was nothing worse than waking up like this.

It was early, so she decided to not wake Harry with a cup of coffee. She made hers and then returned to her room to scroll through her phone. There were dozens of missed calls and texts from her friends. Sarah had left a bunch of messages asking where she was, letting her know she’d be staying at Mitch’s for the night. There was even a few from Max calling her things like a ‘dumb slut’, to which she promptly deleted.

About an hour went by before she heard a rustling in the living room, venturing out to go see Harry, and hopefully find some answers about last night. “Hey, morning.” Her voice was soft as she leant in the doorway that connected the living room to the hallway that led to her and Sarah’s bedroom and the bathroom. Harry turned around to her quickly, his face full of concern. “How you feeling?” He asked, rubbing some sleep from his eyes. “I’ve felt better. Do you uh, know what happened last night?” She asked, holding her empty coffee mug in one hand. She’d refill hers and make Harry one if he decided to stay. “I think you were drugged, by that Max guy. Took you home ‘cause you were passed out in the bathroom. Don’t worry, nothing happened to you.” He said, sitting down on the arm of the sofa. He didn’t feel too bad, he sobered up pretty much completely before he fell asleep. “Oh…” Was all Y/N could respond with. She didn’t know how to handle that news, and she didn’t want to get all emotional in front of Harry. It was a confusing feeling that she wasn’t sure how to deal with.

“Want some coffee?” She asks him, part of her embarrassed about what had happened and the fact that he’d had to leave the party to take care of her. “That’d be lovely. Black, no sugar.” He said, a slight smile on his lips. He didn’t want to push her to talk about what happened, and it seemed like changing the conversation was how she wanted to handle it for now. Y/N nods, going into the kitchen to make some coffee for the two of them. Harry waited in his spot, running his hands through his hair. “You mind if I have a quick shower?” He calls out to her. “Sure! Mitch leaves clothes here, in the top drawer of Sarah’s dresser!” She called back, the volume in her voice was enough to somewhat trigger her headache again. She finished up making their mugs of coffee before she went to the couch to wait for Harry, setting his mug down beside hers. It felt strange, being alone with him.

When Harry came back his hair was still damp from his shower, and he smelt like her vanilla and honey body wash. “Thank you, for last night. I really appreciate it… I know it must’ve sucked leaving the party and if there’s any way I can make it up to you. I’m so embarrassed, and I’m really lucky that you were there to get me home.” Y/N was probably rambling, speaking almost too fast for Harry to comprehend this early in the morning. “Love, it’s fine. There’ll be other parties. Just glad you go home safe. If I see that weasel of a bloke again I’ll be giving him a fuckin�� piece of my mind.” Harry angered just thinking about what had happened, sitting down on the couch beside her. He wore some grey sweats and an old Pink Floyd t-shirt that Mitch had left. “Well, thank you. If you wanna stick around I’ll make some breakfast? Sarah and I usually make waffles and watch The Simpsons every Saturday morning.” She tells him, it was the most hospitality she’d ever shown towards Harry. It took him back slightly, not expecting her to be so warm towards him. He swears she’d even smiled at him as she made the offer, he’d never really seen her smile at him before. “Fuck it. It’ll be a good story to tell the others, doubt they’d believe we sat in the same room as each other and got along for this long.” He chuckles, sinking into the couch as he had a sip from his mug, looking to the tv as the girl beside him put on the silly cartoon. Maybe this was the start of a friendship, or not, but the two of them both felt at ease finally being at peace with each other for once, regardless for how long it was going to last.

[poetrusicperry]

the poets and their first summer jobs

i’ve seen some discourse about how rich all the boys/their families are, and of course there would be like very little reason for them to work, but i couldn’t help wondering who would do what for their first jobs (summer jobs bc they couldn’t work while they’re at school). andddd that led me to writing this lol

neil: so neil would have like absolutely zero time for a job between all his normal coursework/extracurriculars and his summer classes (”you know me, always taking on too much”), but i guarantee you he would still take the time to get a job and have his own money to do with whatever he chose. mr. perry wouldn’t care much because it showed neil “taking initiative” or whatever. neil would likely work at a diner as either a bus boy or a waiter. he’s super personable, so he’d always strike up conversations with people sitting at the counter, and he’d get loads of tips bc he’s cute (: he’d bring his summer school work with him to do during lulls in business, which his boss didn’t mind because it’s neil and everyone knows how responsible he is. the poets would come visit him pretty much every day (to eat, see neil, and escape the heat in the air conditioning), likely taking up a whole booth, and making an absolute mess of the area. charlie would be making spitballs, aiming at cameron and knox every time (earning a “charlie, knock it off, i told you three times already! so mature of you, really.” from cameron) and meeks/pitts would try to see how many straws they could connect to make “ultra straw.” todd would come hang out at the counter when neil was closing, admiring his pretty bf as he worked (’: neil would always make todd a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and rainbow jimmies on the house, claiming, “we have to empty out the ice cream machine anyway” (but really he’d take the cost out of his paycheck, just wanting to make todd happy). his boss would hire him back every summer, loving how much business neil drove in (even if the poets made a mess every time they hung out and ate) and absolutely adoring how much effort neil put into what anyone else would seemingly call a “meaningless” job.

todd: you can’t tell me that todd wouldn’t look forward to working. especially during the summers, it would get him out of the house and away from his parents judging his every move. being the shy introvert he is, he’d likely do things like mowing lawns or gardening for people around his neighborhood. minimal interactions, but still decent pay (as all the people in his neighborhood were likely super rich and could afford to pay him well). the poets’ parents would hire him, after much convincing from their sons (”todd’s just trying to make some money, dad. please?”) and todd would appreciate this more than they ever knew. he’d become super familiar with flower types and he’d become a lot more nurturing after taking care of plants and grass for multiple summers. he’d keep a little journal or notebook with drawings or sketches of the flowers he’d taken care of, complete with descriptions and magazine/newspaper clippings from his mom’s better homes and garden subscription (a lot of his poetry would become nature-related as well). it would be his late night project, or something he’d do if he couldn't sleep (which was pretty common for todd). he’d call neil on the phone some nights and just gush about all kinds of flowers or tell neil how he accidentally got stung by a bee and cried about it because he knew the bee would die (all the while, neil would be listening so intently, taking note about which flowers were todd’s favorites for future use (’: the calls would have to be pretty planned, bc if neil wasn’t working, he was doing school work, or his parents were keeping an annoyingly close watch on him. but sometimes neil would call him impromptu and that made todd just the happiest little camper ever). todd’s nails would be really short (he’d cut them really often because he doesn’t like the feeling of dirt under his nails), which means he couldn’t bite his nails anymore, causing him to pick up a new anxious habit of biting the inside of his bottom lip ): overall, though, todd would like his job, and even find pleasure in being surrounded by little flowers all day. also if/when neil ever got the chance, he’d absolutely tag along to see his sweaty boyfriend in action (come on, neil would go absolutely nuts for todd in a cutoff shirt, 5″ inseam shorts, and converse mowing a lawn looking all manly and tough). 

charlie: obviously, charlie wouldn’t need to work because of his financial situation, but his mom would 110% make him get a job just so he wouldn’t be around the house causing trouble/bothering his siblings for fun (”i’m hosting a lot of book club meetings for the country club this summer, i can’t have you putting spiders in the ladies’ hats again, charles”). similar to neil, mr. charlie dalton would work his summers at an ice cream/custard stand. he’d have to wear a white, short sleeve button up, a red and white striped apron, and one of those white, rectangular hats (his least favorite part HAHA, stating, “my hair is one of my best features and this just takes it all away. it’s unfair.”). the poets would visit often, both for ice cream, but primarily to give him a hard time about his uniform (”i’ll give you twenty bucks to wear this on our first day of classes” meeks would tease, completely gobsmacked when charlie showed up to their first chemistry class in his uniform, earning lots of demerits, but also twenty dollars). charlie would hate it at first, but obviously he’d adjust, being the extroverted/personable person, not taking himself too seriously and being one of the best ice cream slingers anyone had ever seen. he’d give the cute girls (and boys) extra scoops of ice cream for free, winking as he handed them their orders. like neil’s boss, charlie’s boss was even more thankful for charlie’s presence because they’d likely be raking in at least triple the income they would in a summer without him. he’d become a sundae expert, spending many dead poets meeting making them for his friends while they read poems and stories. that being said, he’d come to hate eating ice cream, publishing an article in welton’s honor demanding that they remove ice cream from their dessert menu (yes, almost exactly like the “girls at welton” prank, but he’d make the call collect this time. mr. nolan would be fed up to the point where he wouldn’t even punish charlie physically, just suspend him from rowing [which charlie wouldn’t mind at all HAHA]).

meeks & pitts: after their hi-fi success and the fact that they are seemingly inseparable, they both sought out jobs at the local radio station where they were hired as interns/assistants, running errands and picking up coffee or lunch for the station. but sometimes, when they worked pretty late, the night shift dj would let them pick the records and show them how everything worked (: after nights like that, meeks and pitts would go to one of their houses and add modifications to their hi-fi radio, staying up all night modifying and researching (by the end of the summer, they had made another hi-fi (portable) and their og hi-fi would have been morphed into a huge nationally reaching radio that they keep in the cave (since it would be disallowed in their room at welton). another job that the two of them would have would be answering calls for the station about song requests. with this knowledge, charlie and the other poets would hang out at someone’s house, calling and requesting the same songs over and over and over again. their biggest task for the summer would be organizing the shelves with all the records into alphabetical order (”duh, we should go by first name, meeks. which other way would it be” pitts would argue, only to find out that after they had spent about three weeks alphabetizing by first name, they were supposed to go by last name. “now who’s the idiot?” meeks would jeer, beginning to pull the records off the shelves). they’d also learn a lot about music from their night shift coworker, which would help in their quest to woo some ladies the following school year.

cameron: cameron liked spending his summers doing research projects for fun and just reading a whole lot, so you can imagine his displeasure at when his parents asked him to get a job (presumably to help with paying for his schooling). while upset about it, he wouldn’t complain, and took it on the chin, understanding the reasoning. he’d apply to a couple places, but ultimately end up as a grocery store cashier/stock boy. much like charlie, he’d have the same kind of uniform, but with a green apron instead. he’d spend most of his shift ringing people up at the register, being friendly and personable (something no one ever really realized about him !!). the poets’ moms would always see him and choose his register on purpose, using it as a chance to catch up or tell him to tell his parents that “the overstreets say hello!” or “mrs. anderson says hi!” pitts, meeks, and charlie would utilize cameron’s position at the supermarket to buy nudie magazines unembarrassed/slightly illegally HAHA (”come on, cameron! it’s not like you won’t be included in seeing them next year, too. we bring them to the meetings, you know that!” charlie would say, leaving cameron at a loss, reluctantly scanning the magazines and bagging them as pitts and meeks sniggered). charlie would wave, blow him a kiss, and wink as they left, “love you, richardddd.” sure enough, the magazines would make an appearance during the following school year and cameron was glad he had decided to let them buy the magazines lol. 

knox: out of all the poets, i feel like our knoxious would be the least inclined to work (yes, even less inclined than charlie). his parents wouldn’t even make him get a job because he simply didn’t need to, but to everyone’s surprise, he would volunteer at the animal shelter. the poets would later find out that it was a great way to meet girls (which is why he did it lmfao so they endlessly goaded him about it). charlie would visit often, and even took a rescue puppy home, much to charlie’s younger sister’s delight. charlie even wanted to start volunteering at the shelter to also meet girls, but he was too busy at the ice cream stand (plus, he had really grown to like it there so he didn’t want to leave). another effect of volunteering made knox super interested in zoology and animals, which brought out a newer, more nurturing/caring side to him, and who knows, maybe he’d go vegetarian somehow. he’d want to pursue a career in animal science or becoming a veterinarian, but mr. overstreet was hellbent on knox taking over the firm, so it seemed like a pipe dream. knox would continue to volunteer at the animal shelter, well into his career as a lawyer, and would even go to veterinary school in his 30s (when he was a nationally famous, established lawyer) to get certification to work with animals in a broader way (: 

hope you guys liked these. it was pretty fun to write, and i'd pay such good money to see neil, charlie, and cameron in their uniforms (and todd, but that’s neither here nor there). happy thursday !! let me know what you guys think of these <3(:

[rocorambles]

The Beginning

Pairing: Nekomata x Kuroo

Genre/Warnings: NSFW, Yandere, Grooming, Extremely Dubious Consent, Manipulation, Slight Feminization, Virgin Kuroo, Slight Degradation, Undertones of a Corruption Kink, Bottom Kuroo

Summary: Nekomata has always been Kuroo’s favorite mentor and now that Kuroo’s officially entered adulthood, the older man has new lessons for his favorite protégé. 

Author’s Note: LMAO I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS A REAL THING, BUT HERE WE GO. The first installation of my Yandere Nekomata x Kuroo monthly series. I can’t even defend this other than to say I promise there will be a not as degenerate, perfectly normal (at least by Roco standards) Sakusa NSFW fic also coming out sometime this weekend to help you wash this cursed thing down. 

@terushimooo I BLAME YOU FOR THIS

Next Chapter

He hadn’t thought much about the quiet young boy who showed up to his training camp all those years ago and yet, maybe Kuroo had left more of a mark on him than he had thought because he instantly recognizes the tall lanky messy-haired high schooler who steps inside of Nekoma’s gym on the first day of the school year. He certainly left an impression on Kuroo and something flutters inside of him when Kuroo shyly asks to speak to him alone after practice one day, bowing deeply and thanking the older man for his wise words about “experiencing the joy of playing”. 

Looks aside, Kuroo isn’t anything like that scared little boy he had met so long ago and Nekomata watches in interest and maybe a little bit of pride at how confidently he carries himself, easily making friends and conversing with the rest of the team, a beautiful smile and glint in hazel eyes. Or so Nekomata had thought. But it seems like you can’t truly change your inherent nature all that much and he sees the little cracks in Kuroo’s act, and as much as he appreciates the man Kuroo is evolving into, he thinks he’s more fond of the introverted little boy he still sees hiding inside. 

For someone so mischievous and cunning, Kuroo is ridiculously easy to manipulate and something dark thrums inside of Nekomata as he sees how Kuroo instantly picks up on all his subtle cues, putting all his faith and hope in this father figure he’s never really had. Sure, he has an actual father, one who barely has time for his son, and two grandparents who’re too tired to care for the boy as they should, but it’s not enough, never enough and Nekomata takes full advantage of the empty hole that Kuroo craves to have filled, practically taking the boy under his own tail so to speak. 

He’s not thrilled when he sees hazel eyes begin to look at his female classmates in interest, but he’s prepared for the question he knows he’ll get soon and when, as expected, Kuroo quietly asks him why he’s still single, what love is like, what girls are like, Nekomata is harsh, but firm, planting the seeds of doubt in Kuroo’s head as he goes on and on about how girls are just distractions, problematic, how they’ll do nothing but cause pain and heartbreak. And just to drive it home, he cruelly reminds Kuroo of the heartache his own mother had caused him and his family and he hides his satisfied smile when teary hazel eyes bawl into his chest, lanky arms wrapping around his larger figure and rigorously nodding a messy head of hair as he takes all his wise words to heart. 

And so Kuroo never dates, never even bats an eye towards the females in his school, ignoring the curious whispers as everyone wonders why such an eligible bachelor is still single, only focusing on volleyball, his team, and his coach. 

Nekomata thought that it would be enough to know that he has the boy all to himself for three years, that his selfish greed would be sated, but as Kuroo’s 18th birthday approaches, as his third-year threatens to come to an end, as his departure from Nekoma draws ever nearer, he realizes it’s not enough, it’ll never be enough and wise cat-eyes scheme. 

Kuroo hates birthdays, hates the reminder that his family could care less about him and there’s an even bigger pang than normal as his 18th birthday approaches. He should be elated and excited about the prospect of finally being an official adult, a man, but all he feels is indifference and neglect as his grandparents completely forget that it’s his birthday in their old age, as his dad sends a cold two word text, not even an exclamation mark at the end to convey any feelings about the matter. He just wants this day to be over, to forget it ever happened, feeling no different than before even though he’s now an “adult”. 

But when Nekomata asks him to stay after practice long after everyone has left and the gym is clean, he can’t help the happy tears that trail down his face when the older man brings out a small cake from behind his back and urges the messy-haired captain to blow out the single lit candle illuminating the empty locker room, blissfully ignorant and naive of just how close Nekomata is to him, their thighs pressed against each other, wrinkled eyes attentively watching Kuroo’s lips as he happily eats a slice of the cake, tongue flicking out to lick the extra cream that hasn’t quite made it into his mouth. 

However, Kuroo is all too aware of a rough finger that brushes against his mouth, scooping up some extra cream that he had missed before gently nudging his fingertip past his lips and Nekomata groans at how the athlete instinctively sucks his finger clean even while staring wide-eyed and confused at him. 

“Coach?”

“Call me Yasufumi.”

He chuckles at how flustered and adorable the man beside him looks as he tentatively tests out the new name, and he can feel his cock begin to twitch with interest at the way it sounds in that ridiculously attractive drawl Kuroo has. 

“Tetsurou, you’re an adult now and when you’re an adult, you can start doing certain things.” 

“Coach! I don’t need a sex talk. Plus, weren’t you the one who said girls are a waste of time-”

Kuroo instantly hushes as a weathered hand grasps him by his chin and forces him to lock eyes. 

“I said to call me Yasufumi and yes, I did say that, but you don’t need to have sex with just girls. I think sex between men is better anyway. I could show you, teach you. Only if you want though.”

Sex between men? Of course Kuroo knows it’s possible, knows it’s a thing. But for him? Him and another man? How would that-

His rambling thoughts are cut off and he squeaks when lips press against his, too surprised to break away as a tongue slips into his mouth, playfully entangling with his own wet muscle and he moans as he’s pulled into straddling Nekomata’s thighs, his lean body pressed tight against a thicker chest and stomach. He tries to form thoughts, question what’s happening, but he gasps when hands grope his ass, a tiny moan escaping him as his hips and groin grind down on something hard protruding from Nekomata’s sweatpants. 

“Come on, Tetsurou. Don’t you trust me? Haven’t I always taught you well?” 

And Kuroo hesitates. 

It’s true. For as long as Kuroo can remember, Nekomata is the only person he’s considered family, who’s guided him, cared for him, shown him what love, even if it's just familial love, feels like. He’s never led him astray, always treated him like his own son, brought him to his full potential as a volleyball player and team captain. 

He cries out as Nekomata gently thrusts up, rubbing their erections against each other. 

It feels so good, so different, so much better than when he awkwardly wraps his own hand around his cock late at night. Surely it can’t be wrong if it feels so right, if it’s Nekomata who’s doing this. It’s just another life lesson, right? 

So he seals his fate with a shy kiss as he relaxes, helping the man underneath him rid him of all his clothes, bashfully looking away as eyes hungrily roam all over his body. But his eyes are snapping back to attention, wide in shock as a strange pleasure lances through him when a mouth greedily suckles on one of his nipples, his other nipple tweaked and pulled. 

“I-I’m not a girl! Stop it! Don’t play with my nipples like that!” 

But his complaints are lost between desperate moans and he loses himself in the strange overwhelming pleasure, flushing at the lewd slick sounds of Nekomata’s sucking. 

“But doesn’t it feel good, Tetsurou? You have such pretty tits.”

“They’re not tits- AH!” 

He whimpers as Nekomata punishes his outburst with a slight nip to his aroused buds. 

“Come on. Be a good boy and cum from having your tits played with.”

“I- I don’t think- I can’t-”

But all it takes is a few more rolls of his hips and a few more tugs and bites before Kuroo is wailing, thick white spurts coating both of their stomachs as the raven haired man exhaustedly collapses and curls up in Nekomata’s lap, humming contently as a hand strokes his messy tangled locks. 

“Good boy, but we’re not done yet. Don’t you think I deserve to feel good too? I think you need to give sensei a thank you gift for such a good lesson.” 

Bleary hazel eyes peer at him before slowly nodding and Nekomata laughs as Kuroo attempts to shimmy to his knees in between Nekomata’s legs, hands eagerly pawing at the hem of his sweatpants only to startle when he’s teasingly slapped away. 

“We’ll use your mouth another day. I have something else to show you.”

Kuroo’s an adult now, but there’s a childlike innocence in the way he curiously looks on as Nekomata pulls out a translucent bottle, craning his neck to see what the older man is doing even when he’s coaxed into laying on his back on one of the benches, his legs spread out on either side of the metal apparatus. And Nekomata coos at the confused nervous sound Kuroo makes as he generously coats Kuroo’s pretty puckered rim and his fingers with the clear liquid. 

“I need you to relax and take deep breaths, okay?” 

That’s all the warning he gets before a finger is pushing at his tight hole and he keens as one knuckle breaches his unused hole, taking in desperate panicked breaths as it becomes two knuckles, and borderline hyperventilating when he’s taken the digit all the way to its hilt. But he desperately listens to the familiar voice as it orders him to keep on relaxing, keep on breathing. 

Relax. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. Relax. Breathe. 

One finger becomes two. Two fingers become three. The stretch is uncomfortable, but not painful, yet Kuroo still just feels strangely full, can’t comprehend what the appeal of this is- 

He screams. Back arching and body twitching when Nekomata’s fingers move inside of him, brushing against a spot that has him seeing stars and his cock hardening once again. He scrambles to sit up, find purchase, register what’s happening, but then those fingers are bushing against that spot over and over again and all he can do is sob, cock pathetically splurting thick drops of pre-cum all over his stomach as his mind breaks under the new delirious pleasure he’s being drowned in. 

If he thought he had already been overwhelmed, it’s absolutely painful and agonizing when the stimulation abruptly stops and he’s howling, clawing like an animal to keep Nekomata’s fingers inside of him, sobbing even harder when Nekomata gently shakes him off and leaves him gaping open, cold, and alone like he’s always been his entire life. But he tries to stifle his sobs, gasping for breath when Nekomata is right there with him again, softly kissing his forehead and urging him to continue being his good patient boy and he sighs in relief when something larger begins to refill him, whimpering and moaning at the larger stretch, but ultimately finding peace in the connection, the fullness. 

And he relaxes back down on the bench, mewling as Nekomata’s cock drags against his insides, reaching further and further inside of him until the head is pressing against that same spot that has him writhing wantonly underneath the older body on top of him. Words are spilling past his lips, incoherent babbling he can’t even make out himself, but as if Nekomata understands the indecipherable pleas for more, he offers the younger man a weathered smile before beginning to rock back and forth and Kuroo’s head shakes back and forth, eyes rolling back in his head as his prostate is continuously brushed against. 

Kuroo has always been attractive, but like this? Vulnerable, lust and arousal clearly painted all over his face and body, pretty noises and tears, a shaky hand wrapping around his own leaking cock? He’s breathtaking and Nekomata feels like a young man all over again as he increases his pace, ignoring the irritating pang in his old hips as he desperately chases his own end, balls feeling full and ready to explode in a way they haven’t for decades. And he sputters and chokes as he empties himself inside of the lithe body underneath him, nearly crushing the younger man as he exhaustedly collapses on top of Kuroo and catches his breath. 

But he grumbles when he feels the body underneath him continue to wriggle, something uncomfortable digging into his stomach and he lifts up just enough to see how Kuroo desperately continues to stroke his cock, tears in his eyes from being so close to release and yet unable to find it by himself and he takes pity on him, nudging Kuroo’s hands away and wrapping his own hand around the cock, sloppily kissing the pretty captain. And he smiles when wiry arms wrap around him and hold him tight, swallowing Kuroo’s endearing moans as the raven haired athlete falls apart underneath him once again, coating his hand with his creamy essence. 

He holds his cum covered hand to Kuroo’s mouth, fondly smiling as he immediately begins lapping and licking him clean, only a slight wrinkle of his nose indicating his dislike of the salty bitter taste. That’s okay, he’ll let the birthday boy get away with it for now. After all, he has plenty of time to fully train him to be the perfect cum slut, his perfect cum slut.  

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[vs-redemption]

hi there! could i request an aizawa x female reader oneshot? if you're willing to do angst, could it be him getting jealous when they go out for drinks with a group of friends :o

Ok, so I’m hoping this is angsty enough. I’m still getting used to writing in that style. Also, thank you so much for the request. I wasn’t sure about writing for Aizawa at first, but it was easier to get into his mindset than I thought it would be!

My requests are still open for anyone who is interested. Please check out my rules and masterlist!

A Big Deal:Part One (Jealous!Aizawa x Fem!Reader)

You can find Part Two of this story Here!

Today was kind of a big deal for you. After months of grueling effort and countless hours of overtime, you’d finally been acknowledged by your boss and given a huge promotion in your company. You’d been awarded a new title along with a generous pay raise, effective immediately. In addition to those perks, your new job responsibilities would allow you to finally use the degree you’d put yourself through college to obtain. It was really great news, and you were over the moon with excitement. A few of your colleagues suggested a night out to celebrate the career advancement. You were quick to agree. It was a Friday evening and you saw no reason not to make the most of this incredible day. You sent out a quick text message to invite your boyfriend and a few of your close friends to join in the festivities.

Today was kind of a big deal for Shota Aizawa too. He had always been a bit wary of relationships, both romantic and otherwise. He was a bit of an introvert and socializing often wore him down. He had a couple close friends that had forced their way into his life during high school and that had honestly been enough for him. He had been content to be mostly on his own until he met you and his outlook changed. You were hardworking, which he admired, and he’d noticed right away that you always gave him his space even though you were more outgoing than he was. You never forced him to attend big group outings or gave him a hard time when he was just too tired from work to do anything else besides get take out and have a quiet night in for date night. He appreciated the comfort and peacefulness you brought to his life, which is why he was actually quite excited that today was your one year anniversary together.

Aizawa wasn’t much for big extravagant gestures, but thought it might be nice to invite you over for a nice dinner when you finished work. He managed to get out of his teaching duties a little early so that he could pick up what he needed from the grocery store and get the cooking started. He had a nice evening with just the two of you in mind, so it came as a bit of a shock when he got your text message. He sighs and looks around his kitchen at all the half prepared food. Normally he would decline such an invitation, though he always appreciated you thinking to include him, but this was not a usual circumstance. He knew how hard you worked and was happy to hear that you were finally being recognized for everything you did. He takes out some containers and starts packing up the food, knowing he could always finish cooking it tomorrow.

The Izakaya restaurant where you were having your celebration was already packed with people since it was a Friday, but you’d somehow managed to book a decent sized table. The first round of drinks had been brought out and everyone was calling for you to make a speech. It wasn’t until they started bringing out the food that Aizawa finally arrived.

“Hey! Eraserhead!” Present Mic calls him over from the far end of the table. “You actually showed up! Come over here! I’ll order you a drink!” Aizawa glanced over at you but you were deep in conversation with two of your coworkers. He would have preferred to sit with you, but could settle for attaching himself to Mic since he didn’t know anyone else that well.

“Let’s have another round on me!” one of your coworkers calls to the wait staff. You laugh and nudge his arm with your shoulder.

“Idiot. We paid for ‘all-you-can-drink’!” You give him a teasing grin, “No matter what, we’re all going to be paying the same amount!”

“Aw, come on!” Another one of your male coworkers leans across the table, “You know we’re not letting you anywhere near tonight’s bill! You’ve been working so hard for this day, so let us treat you!”

“You make a good point,” You nod while lifting your glass. “And I’m not one to turn down free drinks!” They all laugh as the waiter disappears to go prepare another round for the table. Aizawa’s eyes linger on the two male coworkers for a moment before turning back to Present Mic.

“I guess she has a pretty good relationship with her coworkers,” he says flatly.

“Yeah! Definitely!” Present Mic declares with a wide grin, “I’ve met them a few times before. They’re fun dudes!”

“Hmm,” Aizawa found himself wondering if those guys knew you had a boyfriend. He trusted that there wasn’t anything deceitful going on, but it was weird for him to see you so open and relaxed around people who were strangers to him. He’d never really thought about what exactly happened when you were out at work parties. Perhaps this was normal. Still, he kept an eye on the people around you as the food and drinks continued to come.

“Shota,” you shuffle over to your boyfriend once last orders had been taken and the rambunctious group was kindly asked to leave the restaurant. “Thank you for coming! You usually don’t.” The words, though said with a lazy smile, struck Aizawa with a pang of guilt. You’d never forced him to go out, but perhaps you’d always wished he would.

“This was a special occasion,” he says while you both head out into the cool night air with everyone else. They were all mingling outside the restaurant, waiting to see what happened next. “You deserved that promotion, and I’m very proud of you.” He wanted to tell you that he’d also come to this party to spend time with you since it was your anniversary, but decided not to ruin your good mood by mentioning it. Perhaps he didn’t deserve to celebrate the milestone in your relationship anyway if letting you go out to these little get-togethers without him made him a bad boyfriend.

“Who’s up for Karaoke?” Present Mic throws his hands into the air, attracting the attention of other drunk groups meandering the streets nearby. A few people declined the offer, saying they needed to catch a taxi home, but a handful of others seemed enthusiastic about continuing the festivities of the night.

“Well we know you’re coming!” One of the coworkers from before slides up next to you and throws an arm around your shoulders. “This party is for you after all!”

“Of course!” You agree before turning to Aizawa. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. I know it’s not your thing.”

Aizawa stared blankly at the arm around you that was not his own. He was tired from work, he hated parties, and a night of karaoke was literally his worst nightmare. Were the things he hated the same things that made you happy? It made him wonder why you were even dating him in the first place. Maybe there was a reason why you hadn’t mentioned your one year anniversary, and perhaps this relationship meant something different to each of you. Even if that was true, could he really let you go off to spend the rest of your one year anniversary with a bunch of other guys?

“Hey, come on!” another one of your coworkers comes over and playfully shoves you in the direction of the karaoke bar. “You’re burning moonlight! Don’t think you’re getting out of doing a duet with me like the last time!” You can’t help but giggle at his antics.

Aizawa glared at the men who could not seem to keep their hands to themselves. Part of him wanted to whip out his scarf and knock them on their asses, but another part of him envied their closeness with you. They got to see you all day, every day. Did they know you better than he did? It made him feel ashamed somehow.

“OK! Ok!” You swat your coworkers away so you could focus on your boyfriend. “No pressure, babe!” You tell him, “I won’t be mad if you want to get home and get to bed.” Aizawa was second guessing everything now. Normally he took your words as kindness and understanding, but now he was wondering if it was a dismissal. It made sense if you didn’t want him to come. There was no way he’d join in the singing so he’d just be dragging the mood down by coming and lurking in the corner. It was better for you if he stayed behind.

“Yeah,” he shrugs, “I guess I’m going to call it a night.” He watches your face for signs that he’d made the right choice. Would you be happy that you were finally rid of him for the evening, or disappointed that he wasn’t as fun and outgoing as your coworkers? It was hard to judge your reaction.

“All right,” you tell him. “Go ahead and get some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” You lean forward to give him a peck on the cheek before finally heading off towards your next stop of the night. Aizawa was left to watch you go off with a group of people he knew could make you happier than he ever could.

[xxrainstormxx]

Birthday Gift. Spencer Reid x Reader (Smut)

(A/N: So I've found out Spencer content gets the most attention and hes my favorite so there is no problem here. And no one is making requests. So I'm doing my best. Maybe I should stick to Spencer XD. Anyway. 10 year age gap. Hope you don't mind. Anyway it’s Spencer’s 30th birthday. in this story. Send in some requests!) Word count: 3,000

Spencer was watching (Y/N), they were drinking with Emily and laughing at stupid things. He had been in love with (Y/N) for years. They were a writer who was now working at the BAU as an agent now. He had always found it endearing how they managed to keep writing books while also doing their work as an agent. 'How is someone so stunning, smart, and funny at the same time?' He thought to himself. (Y/N) giggled and walked over sitting in front of him "Earth to Spencer Reid~" They teased as they waved their hand in front of his face. He blushed realizing he'd been staring, and the loud music rushed back into his ears as he was sucked from his thoughts back to reality. The bar, it was a club but he was now 30 and didn't want to admit that, was loud and the music was the absolute worst thing he'd heard. "You good wonder boy?" they asked smiling slightly worried. "Oh yeah!" he called loudly, the music nearly drowning out his gruff voice. They just giggled and nodded "Not my setting" he finished his statement with a chuckle. "Would never have guess" They grinned tauntingly. The playful leer was enough to make his heart melt. Romance was never Spencer's strong point, but for (Y/N), he made a special exception. There were just ways they made him feel human, he didn't like to admit how the others treated him like some alien. "You seem like the introverted type" They smiled "Skipping, what... basically ten years of school does that." they hummed. "did you know that school is actually designed for extroverts along with basically being outdated in the sense of its teaching you how to work for a factory?" he hummed happily "Spence, wonderboy, baaaaaaaby!" they called with a giggle "I love ya facts normally, but I am just a little to drunk to really process what you are saying!" The 24 year old giggled. "Its your birthday, and I respect ya! I do, but everyone is drinking way too much" They giggled. 

"Right. That's the reason you don't wanna listen" He laughed softly. He didn't mind usually being told to stop spewing facts as long as it was (Y/N) telling him. It was a specially thing they had where it wasn't disrespectful or out of annoyance. It was because they genuinely appreciated what he said and just wanted to understand it better. So he had no reason to not listen to them, their relationship was really a wonderful thing and he cherished it. "You know i love you and your facts!" they squealed leaning on him. "Oh I know" he laughed gently kissing their forehead softly, the mostly platonic kiss was always a thing between them. The team always thought of it like a quote "father, child" thing but that just hurt his feelings. The thought that he really never had a chance because he was "too old" for the only person that really understood him. Age gaps were always controversial especially since they saw the grossest of age gaps between an adult and literal children. It made zero sense in his mind as to why they didn't like it, there were much worse things it could be an he certainly wasn't old enough to be her dad. Maybe it was his own fucked up justification for the way he felt but (Y/N) certainly didn't look like a child nor act like one. They had a mature figure, one that if they bent over at just the right angle over a desk, or pouring over a file, or even interrogating he felt he would just about die. They dressed in a very professional way despite their young age just as he had at the same age. They took themselves seriously but also knew when to call it quits or make fun of themselves. They were a perfect blend of human. He stared at their lips, wondering how soft they really were, and questioning why they used a chapstick that gave off such a strong scent that reminded him of sugar, and he wondered if it had a taste, like cherry, or plum. He wondered if he could make their voice crack as he drew circles on their body with his fingers only to touch what really mattered. He wondered if he could make their perfect mouth cry out his name in pure ecstasy how sweet they would feel clenched around his- "-SPENCER!" they squealed laughing "you've been staring into space for at least 7 fuckin minutes" they snorted tapping his nose softly making him blush. "You okay Dr." they asked affectionately. "y-Yeah course I am" he whispered, it wasn't exactly good for their location but they seemed to understand, but he wasn't okay. He was hard, and uncomfortable. He was thankful that the bar could hide it well enough, because the jeans he wore for the sake of his party weren't doing any favors to hide his friend. "You sure? You seem a little uncomfortable" they commented leaning towards him. 

He could practically feel their shaky drunk breath on his neck and god that didn't help. Their body was stunning in the outfit they had chosen, a simple black top with waist high black skinny jeans and dark green and blue painted combat boots. their body retained its beautiful shape clothes taking the shape of them. They way they stared at him brought back all the thought, making him wonder what their hair would look like as he splayed them out on his bed making them bounce and beg for more and more of him. The doctor was seen as no innocent the idea of him having these thoughts was only a fake concept to them. "Just fine. Bar seats aren't the best to sit on" he laughed softly "Then lets dance!" (Y/N) grinned grabbing his hand pulling him out of seat. The music had changed thanks to Emily practically begging to slow dance with the date she had brought. The idea of being so close thrilled Spencer normally but his current situation made it actually impossible to comprehend and made the anxiety of the situation overwhelming. They giggled "I-I'm really not in the mood to dance." he squeaked out "it'll be fun- come o- OH!" they squeaked after pushing close to him to dance they realized just why he was so flustered and uncomfortable. What caught him by surprise, was they didn't pull away. "S-sorry- I tried to be subtle, b-but y-you.... you uh..." he sighed "I just.... need the uh... space to get rid of it.... and if you want to we c-can dance after" He muttered flustered, but (Y/N) didn't move. "(Y/N), are you okay? Y-you haven't moved." he squeaked again as they pushed as closed "Act natural. You don't want the rest of the team knowing do you. If you walk away suddenly they'll know" they said softly swaying with him to the music. He shivered wiggling "you c-can't... shift like that." he gasped quietly "it's..." he mewled quietly turning red. They could have left they didn't have to be so close, they didn't have to touch him, wait, they were touching him, like, hand in the pants, touching! "Bathroom" they whispered in his ear before leaving him literally wanting. He followed after a few moments of shock. This was all very new, he'd only ever masturbated but now he was going to straight to sex in public. Holy shit. He walked in confused hearing the door behind him and lock. He turned only to be pushed against the outside of the stall. "I checked, no one is in here" (Y/N) said quietly getting onto their knees. "w-wh-why?" he yelped quietly "What do you mean?" they asked working his belt glancing up to him. "Why a-are you do-doing this for me?" he stuttered "I want to? duh." they giggled and kissed the top of his pelvis. "N-no, why...?" he panted nearly throwing his head back in anticipation. "Do I need to spell out the fact that I like you?" they purred tugging down his pants "I... I like you too." he whispered pulling them to their feet. "What are you-" they squeaked before Spencer pulled them close into a kiss. Both of them had wanted this for way too long, and so the sweet innocent kiss quickly escalated into a tangled mess of limbs, grabbing, and panting. "Lets go to my apartment, I don't want to do this here." he whispered "I've pictured you too many times to not do this right." he growled kissing down their neck as they mewled "Got it. Thi-think the others will noticed?" (Y/N) questioned before gasping as they were grabbed and slowly rubbed "Do you want to really think about them now?" he whispered nipping their ear softly "god no. I'll meet you there" they whispered pulling back and left to quickly go. Spencer swiftly heeded telling all his friends he was tired. Thankfully they hadn't connected his need to leave to (Y/N)'s and he was gone. 

(Y/N)'s P.o.V

I somehow arrived after Spencer, probably because he didn't have alcohol in his system. I wasn't exactly drunk, just buzzed, but I needed to be careful still. Getting pulled over was no ideal. I made my way up to his floor quickly, Spencer liked me, he liked me and that was enough for me. He had even kissed me, age gap... no age gap, agent, not an agent, I loved him. And I had been since we properly became friends. I personally didn't believe in love at first sight but god I know about attraction and want. I knew what I wanted, and that was Spencer Reid, I'd take him however I could. I came up behind the man himself kissing his shoulder as he struggled with his key. I reached around grabbing him and stroking him slowly. "Hurry up wonder boy." I blew against his ear causing him to grunt "You aren't helping" he groaned bucking up into my hand. "Are you a top or a bottom?" I teased as he struggled more, "I can imagine you on the bed, panting and moaning as I ride your cock." I ran my finger up his shaft slowly causing him to moan "You begging for more. Crying out my name. I bet you couldn't be a top if you wanted" I snapped teasingly. The door flew open and he pulled me in, pinning me against the wall causing a breathy moan to slip through my slightly dry lips. He slammed the door lifting my leg grinding against me. "Are you always such a brat when you're horny?" He moaned softly sucking softly on a spot on my jaw. "And what if I am?" I mewled, before crying out as he slammed against the wall bucking against me teasingly. The clothes being in the way pissed me off slightly. A small string of curses left his mouth "It's fucking hot." He muttered. It was a little shocking to hear to Spencer curse but it was enough to make me shut the fuck up for a second. "God fuck me" I gasped rolling my hips against his needily "you know. You were the only person who didn't get me a birthday present" he hummed softly "M-maybe b-because I planned on something like this" I muttered. It was the truth, I planned on confessing and had a backup present in my car. I knew full well that I wanted to do this tonight, I even put a condom in my pocket. "Wow. Such a naughty whore." I mewled at the sentence, something about Spencer saying that was enough to nearly kill me there. I groaned in pleasure pushing down on his dick. "I want you. I want you so bad!" I dragged my nails down his chest panting already. He groaned picking me up, I used the opportunity to kick my shoes off and he walked us to his room as I worked on throwing off my shirt. He attacked my chest with love bites and kisses as he pinned me to the bed giving me a chance to work at his shirt and belt. "shit" he whispered biting his lip "you look just as good as I imagined you would." he moaned rolling his hips against me once again. The clothes were really on my nerves "off" I hissed, tugging at my own pants "now! please god!" I moaned, I rolled my hips up gasping. "Why should I?" he whispered chuckling. He was so fucking hot like this. His gruff voice just kept making me shiver and I whined "Because I need you too." I moaned legs finally free of my stupid tight pants. Beauty is pain, he sighed "Such a brat" he growled and pulled himself out of his pants making me drool at the sight "I shouldn't-" he began making me whine "-but you're too much to resist" He muttered kissing me. 

I kissed back after a moment of not expecting it, his tongue making its way into my own. Spencer was an absolute god when it came to kissing, as his tongue made it's rounds around my mouth I mewled when it brushed the roof of it. I was so distracted by the kiss I hadn't noticed that he aligned with my entrance until he suddenly shoved into me. I didn't even know he put on the condom but I felt it, mostly him though. I gasped rolling my hips up nearly biting his tongue. He moaned panting "Fuck you're hot" He groaned "tight" he panted softly slowly beginning to thrust into me. I moaned loudly the suddenness of it making my head spin with pleasure "S-Spence!" I moaned as he pushed in and out of me at a slow and steady pace. I melted under him grabbing at his back, his shirt hadn't even come off yet. I wanted it off though. "Off. Sp-Spencer! Please take the shirt off." He moaned, absolute music to my ears, rocking against me taking off his shirt quickly "Such. A. Fucking. Brat" he hissed slamming into me with every word. I cried out eyes rolling back. The sounds of our moans and the slapping of skin filled the otherwise empty room. "Oh fuck!" I cried out running my hands down his chest admiring him lovingly. He may have been skinny but that didn't mean he wasn't built well. His hair fell and framed his face he looked like an actual god. "You're so fucking hot" he groaned and I arched my back with a high cry. "I-I'm- oh god- I'm cumming!" I covered my mouth. "Not. Yet." he groaned pulling out of me as I whined. "N-not fair!" I moaned "Sometimes brats need to be taught a lesson" He growled pulling me off the bed onto the floor. "Open your mouth" he said grabbing my face. I panted and opened my mouth wide. I gasped loudly as he pushed his cock into my mouth. I moaned loudly knowing what he wanted before I was even told. I bobbed my head quickly moaning at every movement and sound he made. "Baby~" he mewled as I ran my tongue up his shaft pulling off for a second to breathe before licking the tip. I pushed forward and started sucking on him again. He groaned in pleasure grabbing my hair. "Good girl. Learning not be a damn brat." He moaned teasingly, I wanted this for so long and the fact it was happening made my head spin, and my eyes roll back. After a long while he pushed me up and grabbed me shoving into me not even bothering to put me on the bed. I nearly collapsed my legs nearly giving out. So he picked me up shoving me against the wall. "Shit baby~ You're so good for me now." He gasped out "You can cum for me baby" he whispered in my ear kissing me again. I cried out loudly wiggling, against him. I bounced quickly against him, cumming and basically spilling out onto him moaning loudly. I pulled back throwing my head back as he continued to thrust into me way too hard. It drove me absolutely crazy. I moaned his name a few more times "I... I can't.. Oh god" I gasped feeling him fill me entirely with his cum. He collapsed back onto the bed with me still in his arms resting on his chest. "Damn..." he whispered against my neck. I only yawned in response, not able to speak. "I... I love you. Not just like." he whispered. "I know it's not the time, but I don't want this to be a one night stand. Or a friends with benefits thing. I want you. I want to be yours. We don't have to talk about this right now. We can talk tomorrow" He whispered earning a tired yawn from me. I gasped softly as he pulled out leaving me feeling empty. And to sleep we went. 

3rd person P.o.V

The next morning (Y/N) had woke up sore and alone. It was strange to them but they smiled as Spencer walked into the room. "Hi." he whispered handing them some pain medicine. "Did you sleep well?" He asked them petting their head and brushing the hair out of their eyes. "hi... I slept great" they mumbled taking it with a hum. "Good. Do you uh, need a shower?" he asked gently "and your clothes are in the dryer." he mumbled shyly. It was a funny thing, how dominate and rough he was, but now soft and shy as usual. It made them smile "I... I really care for you." he whispered "And I want you to be comfortable." He whispered. "I love you too Spencer." I giggled quietly "A shower would be lovely." they laughed a little. Spencer grinned happily "Best birthday present ever"

[catwithangerissues]

Green tea, pastries, and a hoodie.

-A Shirabu Kenjiro Oneshot

Pairings: Shirabu x (Gender Neutral) Reader

Warnings: None! Completely sfw. Just some shy!Shirabu, introvert!reader, newly established relationship, and mentions of touch aversion.

Basically, I wrote this for a friend who I matched up with shirabu, who wasn’t the biggest fan of physical touch, though open to it with an s/o. It was meant to be a Drabble, but it quickly turned into a Oneshot lmao. Here ya go @almalckd ✨

——————

You had woken up late that morning, rushing to get out of bed as soon as your eyes laid on the time on the clock that rested atop the nightstand. You quickly fixed your hair, not really caring for it’s appearance at the moment, and brushed your teeth, quickly throwing on your uniform. It always annoyed you how you couldn’t just wear comfy clothes to school, you’d much rather that, especially in the winter..

You grabbed your bag and as soon as you stepped outside, the chilly air made you curse under your breath. “Classic..” You thought sarcastically and rolled your eyes at yourself. You toyed with the idea of just turning around and grabbing another jacket to go over your blazer, but a quick glance at the time told you that wasn’t an option today.

As you rushed to the school, a fellow late acquaintance joined you along the way. You two made small talk as you bitterly laughed about being so irresponsible for staying up so late studying the night before, you knew the copper haired setter would have a sarcastic comment about the situation, even though he does the exact same thing every week.. Though you didn’t want to admit it, he’d be right when he retorted back with a statement about how he’d never been late even on such little sleep. The thought alone made you crack a small smile.

Luckily enough, you weren’t late, you even made it in time to speak to a few of your friends before your first hour began. Setting your stuff down on your desk, seated away from other students, you felt relieved that you hadn’t missed class, and for your spot in the classroom. You were a bit of an introvert, but you were especially thankful today that you had your own space, since you knew you would be grumpy from the rough start to your day and didn’t want to take it out on anyone accidentally.

You see, you attend the prestigious school, Shiratorizawa Academy. You were an honors student, and therefor have a good handful of other class 4-6 students as friends. This was your second year at the school, and you had been enjoying the year so far, though exam week always stressed you out. You decided to attend Shiratorizawa after you had reached the top of your class in middle school, and that happened to be where you met Shirabu Kenjiro. You had known him for a few years through some other acquaintances, plus the fact that you two were academic rivals, but you weren’t close until your first year of high school. Fast forward a year and a half, and the setter held a much more special place in you heart.

You had only been together for a short while at this point. Having crushed on each other for a year and a few months before you two had the courage to mutually confess. He took you on a few study dates before you two made it official, and that brings you back to today.

You smiled at the fond memory of the red faced boy fiddling with his hands and looking uncharacteristically nervous as he told you how he felt. You mentally noted to replay that sweet memory in your head next time you were feeling anxious.

You were awoken from your dreamland by the teachers voice calling for the classes attention. Everyone situated themselves in their assigned seats, and the class began..

——————

It felt as though your first hour had taken longer than usual, or maybe it was the fact that you hadn’t yet seen your boyfriend today, so you were eager, and you were slightly hangry, having no time to grab breakfast this morning.

You walked out of you class, and sat by the wall a few steps away was the salt shaker himself. You smiled at him, happy to see your personal stress reliever, though he could only playfully smirk and raise an eyebrow at how tired you looked. He thought you looked quite cute all sleepy, but he felt a small pang of sadness in his heart when he quickly recalled the hundred other times you’d come to school like that, and the reason behind it.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t text you this morning, I woke up late..” You smiled sheepishly as you trailed off, hands behind your back as you slightly rolled on the balls of your feet, hoping he wouldn’t lecture you hypocritically on how you should sleep more.

“I figured, I stopped by the cafe you like on the way to school and thought you could use this.” He handed you a small to-go cup, labeled with his last name and the words ‘green tea’ in messy handwriting, and the packaged pastry you’d always get child-like excitement about when they had them in the mornings, freshly baked and still warm.

You two had gone to that cafe together many times now, whether it be for breakfast or a study date, you knew each other’s favorite items from the menu, but you still couldn’t help the feeling in your stomach at the thought that he remembered those little moments with you, or maybe you were just hungry..

He turned his face away slightly, and tucked his hands in his uniform pockets shyly after you took the goodies into your hands. He wasn’t very fond of pda, and he struggled to show his affection, or at least he thought he did, you gladly accepted his many different forms of it.

You took note of the scarlet color adorning his cheeks, and giggled at his mildly flustered state. “Thank you, Kenji. Hmm, maybe I should be late more often?” You joked, a sly smirk hinted on your face. You really did appreciate when he did things like this for you, despite the little quip.

“Don’t even think about being late on purpose, brat. I won’t be so nice.” He pouted lightly and huffed, turning to walk to your next class, a blush still adorning his cheeks. The threat wasn’t entirely empty, but you knew he was a big softy for you at the end of the day. You happily walked along side the boy, sipping the tea he had gotten you along the way, enjoying the warmth on your hands and in your previously angry stomach.

The two of you made a few more witty exchanges until you had reached your shared second class of the day. Making your way to your seats, coincidentally, you two sat next to each other. This teacher was a bit more laid back than your others, regardless of teaching a rather difficult subject, and that meant you got to sit with the copper headed boy that hour. Sitting your stuff down, you sat back and enjoyed your small breakfast, thankful for Kenji’s thoughtfulness once again.

——————

The rest of the school day passed by normally, nothing particularly exciting happening, other than listening to Tendo tell stories to Wakatoshi at lunch, trying to provoke a reaction out of the stoic man, and the rest of the team making conversation around the table you all occupied.

You had just walked your boyfriend to the doors of the gym, about to drop him off for practice. You sometimes would stay and watch them, the other boys often teasing Shirabu about your presence. You were surprisingly good friends with the boys, even Coach Washijo liked you, he claimed you kept the boys in line when they would start to lose focus. Though you just thought that was his weird way of saying Shirabu practiced better when you were around, not being as insulting to his other classman than day.

As the two of you stopped by the door, to the left of it actually, the boy turned to you, taking note of your shivering form. Remember earlier, when you thought about grabbing a jacket from home before heading out for school but decided against it to avoid being even later to class? You internally groaned at your own stubborn nature, and noted to start keeping a sweatshirt in your bag from now on.

“Idiot..” A ‘tck rolled off his tongue as he saw you, rolling his eyes, he knew you weren’t fond of being touched very much, so he offered of the best solution he could think of at the time to his shivering s/o. “D-do you want my hoodie?..” He shyly asked, normally Shirabu was quite the hotheaded partner, making insulting, albeit lighthearted, jokes to you every chance he got. But something in him softened when he saw your sweet face in that moment.

“I-I know you don’t really like hugs, and I’m not the biggest fan of pda anyways, so.. if you want my hoodie, that’s okay with me.. you can keep it for as long as you’d like, just don’t forget to bring one next time it’s cold, dummy.” He had already taken off his backpack, fishing for the hoodie he had placed in there this morning, despite not feeling the need to wear it himself as he initially thought he would.

You were pretty flustered at the idea of wearing his hoodie, but you were incredibly appreciative of his sentiment in that moment. “Yes please.” You smiled giddily, taking the hoodie and placing it over your frame, and immediately smiling at the warmth it provided you. You snuggled into the collar of it for a moment, breathing in the scent of your boyfriends cologne.

He muttered something under his breath as he put his backpack back on, and he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of you at the moment. “Hmm? I didn’t hear you, Shira’. ” “I said you look really cute wearing my clothes..” He partially interrupted and admitted frustratedly, still blushing. You smiled lightly as you placed your arms around his midsection, pulling him towards you gently, and nuzzled into his collar bone/the crook of his neck. He tensed in your hold, and a few seconds past before the tension released as he wrapped his arms around you carefully. It felt as though he thought you’d break if he held you too tightly.

“Thank you, Kenji. I appreciate everything you did for me today, especially this. You know how much physical contact puts me off, but you did everything to make sure I was comfortable today. So, thank you.” You smiled at giving him the praise you knew he secretly enjoyed, nuzzling further into his warm arms.

He felt tense again and he scampered to get his next words out, “Y-you don’t have to do this, I- I don’t want you to be uncomf-“ You hushed him with a light kiss on the lips, and though your eyes were closed, you feel his eyes on you and his shocked expression. You pulled away after a few seconds, looking up at the boy with a smile, “I know you don’t, but I’m not uncomfortable with you Kenji. Believe me, I’ll tell you if I ever don’t want something like this.” He relaxed in your arms again, pulling away after another minute or two in the embrace, he glanced at the time on his watch and looked at you, slight sadness evident in his eyes, like a puppy who’d had its toy taken away or been scolded for tearing through the trash.. again. You took this as a hint that he had to go for practice, and sighed happily as he planted a final quick kiss on your forehead. Turning away after, and waving as he entered the gym for afternoon practice.

As you turned and walked back into the main building of the school, you couldn’t help the shit eating grin on your face as you felt a few of the other passing by volleyball boys glance at you, taking note of Shirabu’s hoodie adorning your body. You knew he’d get a bit of slack for it, but also that he wouldn’t mind it for you.

You sat alone for a couple moments, recalling the last few minutes, and found yourself smiling. Maybe physical touch with someone, only if it was your Kenji, wasn’t so bad after all.

fin.

Hope you all enjoyed this little (lol, no) Oneshot! I’m a huge Shirabu simp and loved writing this! :)

🌱My itty bitty tag list : @almalckd

[mysterioh]

little things | b.b.

Pairing: Modern!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Weddings bring people together. It brought Bucky back to you. Problem is, you don’t want to see him.  

Requested by @anjali750​ !! Thank you so much for requesting and I hope that you like it!! I feel like I could’ve made this better but I didn’t want it to be too long. 

W/C: ~4080  

Prompt: “I was doing fine, really, and then you waltz back in like you didn’t break my heart.”

It’s funny how the little things about a person, things you once adored, turn into the things you now despise. 

When Bucky Barnes sauntered into the room, fashionably dressed in his absolute best, it was the little things about him that made you hate him. 

The smooth swipe of his fingers through his hair. The way his words danced with a chuckle when someone teased him. How his eyes twinkled under the light despite their cool visage. 

The little things you once loved about him were now something you looked on with contempt. 

How dare he show himself after so long? 

You had to admit. It wasn't really his fault. He was brought here into this room just as you were. 

In celebration of the engagement of the future Mr. and Mrs. Wilson. 

---

"I swear you're out to get me," you complained, slouching into the rattan chair in Natasha's apartment. "You hate me, don't you?" 

"I do not hate you," Natasha sighed, flipping through a magazine of wedding venues. "I wouldn't make you maid of honor at my wedding if I hated you." 

"But you just had to pick him, didn't you?" You sat straight up. 

"It's not my choice to make, Y/N," she replied, eyes still scanning her magazine. "It's Sam's and he chose Bucky. There's nothing I can do about that." 

“What about Steve?” you counter, “he exists!” 

“Steve just had a baby,” Nat retorted, turning the page. “Well not Steve but Sharon. Sam would’ve asked him but he felt like Steve’s busy with the baby. Bucky is his best friend too y’know.” 

“Likely story,” you grunt, turning your head away from her. “You’re all scheming against me.” 

“Oh for God’s sake, Y/N!” Nat drops the magazine onto her lap. “Would you stop being so cynical? Not everyone is out to get you,” she states. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll actually enjoy it..”

“Aha!” you point an accusatory finger at her. “I see what you’re trying to do here!” 

Nat groans audibly. “What? What am I trying to do?” she questions irritatedly. 

“You’re trying to get us both back together!” you exclaim. “Too bad sis! It ain’t gonna happen!” 

“You’ve gone mad,” she sighs, shaking her head. Nat stands up and walks around the coffee table and towards the hall. “Believe what you want. You’re my maid of honor. He’s the best man. Deal with it.” 

You grumble, sinking deeper into your chair. “If I see his ass anywhere near me, I’m drop kicking him,” you stated. 

“You will do no such thing!” 

---

Bucky tries his best to keep his focus on the conversation at hand, but his thoughts keep wandering, taking his eyes along with them to the opposite end of the room. 

You stood by the bar with a glass of alcohol as your only companion. Your form was turned slightly away from him, leaving the curve of bare back in perfect view for him to see. 

He watches shamelessly, his eyes drink you in, despite the fact that he thinks he’s ogling you—which he is. 

He shouldn’t be. He didn’t deserve to. 

But could he blame himself?

You look gorgeous. 

Your dress is a heavenly creamy off white, bejeweled with gold embroidery around the chest and hips. His eyes follow the long slit that runs along the side of your leg, trailing along the path of skin likened to smooth caramel, until cold blue clashes with warm hazel. 

Crap.

You freeze when your eyes lock with his. He’s halfway across the room and you still managed to gain his attention. You avert your gaze and place your glass on the counter gently before disappearing into the crowd. 

Bucky sulks when he sees you leave. 

You hate him. 

He knows that. 

But even so, he wishes he’d get a chance to make it alright. 

“Nat,” you tap on her shoulder from behind. 

The redhead turns from the guest she’s speaking with to find you agitated. Red cheeked and lip biting. 

“Everything alright?” 

“Uh, I think I’m going to call it a night,” you reply. 

“Already?” Nat asks. You nodded quickly. “Is this about—”

“Don’t,” you stop her. “Just let me go?” you ask softly. 

“Fine,” she sighs with a frown. She gives you a hug goodbye. “I’ll call you later, alright?” 

You nodded with a smile and made your way out the door. You fumble with your clutch to take out your keys. Not watching where you were going, you bump into someone.

“Oh, I’m sorry—” you pause, when your eyes meet his again. 

“Right now would be a good time for that dropkick,” The Jiminy Cricket in your head spoke.

“Hey, Y/N,” he smiles, voice lilting with his words like he’s happy to see you. 

“Oh, uh, hi, Bucky,” you stutter nervously.

“How have you been?” he asks.

No, don’t start a conversation with me. 

“I’ve been good,” you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, diverting your gaze to the right. You always did when you were nervous. “You?” 

“Great,” he replies, “it’s good to be back home.” 

Your eyes finally fall on him. He’s still the same old Bucky. That same sweet smile. The familiar scent of brisk cologne. Still the prettiest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. 

Stop staring, dumbass. 

“It’s been a while?” he breaks the awkward silence. 

Yeah, four years is quite a while. 

“Yeah, it has been,” you smiled softly, “back for the wedding?” 

Of course, he’s back for the wedding, moron. Stop acting so stupid. 

“No, for good.” 

What? No. No. No. No.  

“Wow! Really?” you asked with a nervous chuckle. “Finally got bored of travelling?” you blurted with a sharp twinge. 

That wasn’t supposed to come out the way it did. 

“Uh, yeah,” he chuckles in reply. “I guess I did." There's a bit of disappointment in his eyes. 

Good. 

"You’re leaving?” 

“Yeah, I’m going home,” you nodded. 

"Here, let me–" 

"No, it's fine," you interrupted. "I can walk by myself," you gave him an awkward smile, taking a few steps backward. "Besides I think Steve was looking for you." 

"Oh," he whispers disappointed. "I'll go see him then. It was nice seeing you again," he smiles warmly while turning. 

Shut the fuck up. 

"Good night," he wishes. 

"Yeah, you too," you said, before quickly turning and dashing out the door. 

Bucky sighs deeply. He knew you were lying. 

You always played with a strand of your hair when you lied. 

A little thing you thought he had forgotten. 

Months had passed since the engagement and life was thrown back into its normal routine. 

The awkward meeting with Bucky became one of those horrible memories that came up at three in the morning when sleep wouldn’t come. But other than that, he didn’t phase your thoughts. 

Four years ago, you loved Bucky. Enough for you to say you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. 

But Bucky had other plans. He wanted to see the world. Places you’ve only seen on screensavers. He was ambitious and adventurous. An extrovert with a passion for the unknown. You were the opposite. An introvert cooped up in her room writing those very adventures he dreamed of. 

So when he got the chance to travel the world as a photographer, you didn’t stop him. You knew just how much it meant to him. It was his dream. But it hurt how his one dream never had a picture of you in it. 

He never asked if you wanted to come with him. Instead he wanted to break it off. 

It became clear to you that the three years you spent together meant nothing to him. Three years worth of fights and reconciliation, of understanding and appreciation, of promises professed as whispers underneath a glassed moonlit sky, meant nothing to him. 

You learned the minute he walked out the door, ticket in one hand and suitcase in the other, that sometimes a love given in full was not one fully returned. 

It took time, but you got over him. With tubs of ice cream and supportive friends, you made it through and came out stronger than ever. You earned yourself a great book deal with a well-known publisher, and were even lauded as a rising star in literary circles across the nation. You were set on a path to succeed, to live the life you dreamed for yourself. And there was no sight of Bucky Barnes in that dream at all. 

Until you stepped foot onto the ancient cobblestone paths of the island of Crete. The shore was a graceful arc of sand, glittering under the July sun, a perfect place for a placid ocean to lap. The waves rolled in a soothing sound, the salty waters a brief flurry of sand. 

The warm caress of an afternoon breeze from the briny waves of the Aegean Sea felt like heaven against your skin. Even with the sun burning onto the bare skin not hidden by your sundress, you can’t help but absorb the serenity that radiates from the shore of Elafonisi. 

“Y/N!” Nat’s voice pierces through the sweet silence as her head sticks out of the car. Red hair flowing in the wind wildly just like the hand that’s waving to you. 

You smile sheepishly, waving at her from your spot in front of the airport. She jumps out of the car the minute it stops and hugs you. “You made it!” she exclaims. 

“Of course I’d make it,” you reply with a laugh. “Why wouldn’t I?” 

“Nat started freaking out when you said your flight got delayed,” Sam replied, walking up to you and giving you a hug. 

“I was not!” she retorts. “I was completely calm.” 

“You and calm are two things that could never be put together,” a voice comes from behind and it makes you want to scream. Bucky walks up to the crowd of three and Nat hits him on the shoulder, earning a chuckle from him. 

“Hey, Y/N,” he greets with a smile. 

“Hi, Bucky,” your voice is plain. 

“Had a nice flight?” 

“Yeah.” 

You glare at Natasha but she pretends as if you aren’t. 

“Here let me take your bags,” Bucky offers, reaching forward. 

“No, that’s fine,” you replied, but he doesn’t have it and takes them anyway. 

“Hey, Sammy, unlock the trunk for me, will ya?” Bucky asks, walking to the back of the car. 

Sam nods, walking around to him. 

You take Nat’s hand by the wrist and squeeze tightly, making her look directly at you. 

“Why did you bring him?” you whisper harshly. 

“He wanted to come,” she replies in the same manner. “I couldn’t say no.” 

“You could have.” 

“Why don’t you give the guy a chance?” 

“How about no?” 

Nat rolls her eyes. “Do what you want,” she walks away, you pull her back. 

“You’re sitting in the back with me,” you ordered. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” she groans, placing her hand on her hip. 

“Do I look like I am?” 

She yanks her hand from yours. “Fine,” she sighs, opening the door to the car. 

---

Bucky looks at you from the corner of his eye. You leaned against the car door, arm propped up to hold your chin, sun hat resting on your lap. As you watched the passing scenery, the wind from the opened window blew through your hair. 

It’s a bit shorter this time. 

It looks nice. 

Your lips are pulled down into a disgruntled expression as Nat rambles on about the wedding schedule. 

You’re not listening, completely submerged into your thoughts. 

Bucky chuckles quietly to himself. 

Always the daydreamer. 

“Y/N, are you even listening?” Natasha asks. 

“Hmm?” you turn towards her.

“You’ve bored her to death, Nat,” Bucky replies for you, turning his back so he could get a real look at you. “She likes adventure novels.” 

“Actually I was listening,” you retorted sharply. “She said we have practice at the church at ten tomorrow. Don’t be late, Barnes.” You turn back to your window gazing, leaving the three completely silent. 

Sam snorts, unable to keep his amusement inside. Bucky slaps him on the arm then turns back into his seat with a loud thud. A smirk creeps its way onto your face. 

Home : 1

Guest: 0

“Good Morning, Y/N,” Bucky greets cheerfully. 

Suddenly, your orange juice tastes sour in your mouth. You turn towards him with a horribly forced, sweet smile. 

“Good Morning, Bucky.” 

“It’s 9:58,” he points to his watch, “so that means I’m not late.” 

You look at him blankly, tired of hiding your distaste of him. “Congratulations, I could honestly care less.” 

“You should care,” he points with a mock frown like he’s teasing you. 

I’m about to start swinging. 

“Where there’s no you, there’s no me. Where there’s no me, there’s no you.” 

How fucking poetic. 

“We’re an integral part of this wedding, L/N,” he chuckles. 

“I see your horrible sense of humor hasn’t changed,” you bite. 

“And you still have that snarky twist to yours,” he retorts, leaning against the wall of the church hall, eyes straight on you. 

Stop admiring her, dumbass. 

You cross your arms and divert your gaze from him as if you’re ashamed. 

“I don’t mean it in a bad way,” he quickly corrects himself, standing straight. “It’s a good thing, I’ve missed it,” he confesses. 

Your head whips towards him, shocked eyes meeting his. A scarlet red scatters on your cheeks the same way they do on his. 

The tips of his ears burn the brightest hue of red that only happened when he was extremely nervous or embarrassed. 

A little piece of information your brain cared to remember. 

“Uhm, uh, what I meant was—” he starts to stutter. 

You look away again, not wanting to hear another word. You catch Yelena walking by with a few baskets of decorations in her hands. You quickly walk towards her, leaving Bucky in the dust. 

“Here, Yelena, let me help you,” you place your hands on the baskets she was holding. 

“Oh, it’s okay, Y/N, I can handle—”

“No,” you tug on the basket. “please let me help,” you strained through gritted teeth. Yelena raises a brow and looks over your shoulder to see an awkwardly placed Bucky standing behind you. 

“Oh! Yes, please help me!” she yells handing you a basket. “These are oh so heavy!” she laughs. 

Taking the basket from her, you follow here out of the hall and into the sanctuary. 

All Bucky wishes is that you’d look back at him one time. Just once. 

But why would you?

He never turned back when he left. Not even once. 

---

“The Best Man and the Maid of Honor will come out together,” the coordinator stated. 

You grumble quietly, giving a glance in Bucky’s direction. He catches you looking and gives you a wink paired with a smile. You turn away quickly and keep your eyes strictly on the coordinator as she verbally listed the instructions of the procession. 

After a painstaking thirty minutes of instructions and tips, the wedding party lined up in order of entrance. Bucky and you were placed right before the flower girl and the ring bearer and after the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Allowing Bucky to make trivial conversation. You were literally linked with him with your arm hooked in his. 

He rambles on about something stupid. Or at least you think it’s something stupid. You’re not really listening so you couldn’t really tell. 

“You know I’ve read your book,” he states. 

“What?” 

“There you go daydreaming again,” he shakes his head with a chuckle, taking a step forward. 

You huff at him. “I was not.” 

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said in the past ten minutes.” 

“Not my fault you’re boring,” you hurl at him, taking another step forward, coming closer to your turn. 

Bucky frowns playfully. “Ouch, so mean,” he whines. 

The couple in front of you begins to walk down the aisle, leaving Bucky and you at the doors. 

“Good luck, guys!” Nat cheers from the back. 

You turn with the biggest scowl on your face which she received with a wide smile and thumbs up.

The two of you get the signal to walk and proceed with even steps. 

“I said that I read your book,” Bucky recalls. 

You turn your head to look up at him. “You—you did?” you stuttered. 

He nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I got stuck at the airport in Berlin cause of a delay and saw your book in the window of a bookstore, so I bought it. I read it in one sitting.”

Your heart beats wildly and palms grow wet. “Um thank you,” you whisper sheepishly. 

“No, thank you,” he chuckles. “I enjoyed it very much. You did an amazing job.” 

You smile small in appreciation of his words, but quickly harden your heart. “You don’t have to be so nice,” you reply, letting go of his arm just as you reach the end of the aisle. 

Bucky couldn’t tell what made chills run down his spine. The cold tone of your voice or the way you let go of him so easily.

“Who’s the cutest baby in the world?” Steve cooes. The little girl in his hands giggles at her father’s words. “You are! You’re the cutest baby in the world. Ah, look at those eyes,” he fawns, “just as pretty as mama’s.” 

Bucky groans loudly, slouching into the chair in the hotel room. 

“What’s with you?” Steve diverts his attention to Bucky. 

“Nothing,” he mumbles. 

“It’s Y/N, isn’t it?” he drops it on him like a bomb. 

An embarrassingly red blush creeps on his cheeks. “I never said that!” 

“I don’t know who you’re trying to fool, but it’s not working,” Steve retorts, bouncing the baby on his knee. 

“I just—I don’t know why she hates me,” Bucky says. 

Steve gives him a look as if he’s in The Office. “You don’t know why she hates you?” he asks incredulously. 

“No,” he shakes his head. “I know why she hates me,” he sighs. “I just don’t know how to make it up to her. I want to fix things, but what’s the point if she won’t even give me a chance to speak two words to her.” 

Steve covers his little girl’s ears. “How about you stop being a whiny bitch and stop beating around the bush? Stop the whole nice guy act and just come clean to her. Give her the raw feelings and not this flowery, teasing bullshit you’ve got going on. You’re a fucking adult for crying out loud. Start acting like one.” 

Bucky opens his mouth to speak, but he doesn’t have any words. Steve had a point, but he didn’t have to say it the way he did. 

“I’m telling Sharon you said that in front of Sarah.” 

“You tell her anything and you’re gonna be walking down the aisle with a missing tooth.” 

Elafonisi was just as beautiful at night as it was in the day. The waters danced underneath the moonlight. The stars sparkled in the sky. You marvelled in the simplicity of the beach. No towering skyscrapers and bustling crowds. No flashing screens and odd smells. 

It’s like paradise. 

A cool ocean breeze brushes against your skin like kisses from the divine. The air was thick with a cacophony of aroma. Pungents smells of rosemary, thyme, and lemon trees mix with the faint smell of slowly roasted meat coming from inside the hotel. 

It’s been a long day of practice and preparation. You’ve been around way too many people than you normally enjoyed and decided to take a break from it all. And you couldn’t find a better place than being hidden on the canopied balcony that jutted out of the building. 

Peace and quiet. Just the way you liked it. 

“I thought I’d find you out here.” Bucky approaches you on the balcony. 

Of fucking course. 

“I wish you didn’t,” you murmured. 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing.” 

Bucky comes to stand next to you, he rests his forearms on the stone fence. “It’s nice here,” he says, “I came here about two years ago, but it feels like the first. Crete is a beauty.”

“I’ve seen the pictures.” 

“Hmm?” 

“The pictures you took,” you explained. “I’ve seen them all.” 

Bucky’s heart flips at your words. A lazy smile tugs at his lips as he turns towards you. “Have you been stalking my Instagram?” 

“No! Nat showed me.” you yell at him, hoping he couldn’t see the blush on your cheeks. Anger rushes through your veins. “You’re so full of yourself,” you snarl, turning on your heel you walk away only for him to catch you by the wrist. 

“Y/N, I was just joking,” he said, pulling you closer.

You tug your arm out of his grasp. “Stop joking with me,” you hiss. “Stop pretending to be my friend. Stop acting like everything’s completely fine between us when it’s not!”

“Y/N, let me explain,” he pleads.

“No,” you deny. “I don’t want your explanation. It’s too late for that now. I’ve spent four years without a good one and I don’t need one now. I was doing fine, really, and then you waltz back in like you didn’t break my heart,” you choke out. 

Tears brim at the corner of your eyes, threatening to fall if you said another word. You’re not going to cry in front of him. You didn’t back then and you sure as hell weren’t going to now. 

“Just please do me a favor and leave me alone?” you ask quietly. 

“I can’t,” he shakes his head. “I can’t leave you alone. I did that once before and it was the biggest mistake of my life,” he confesses. “I was young. I was foolish and I thought what I wanted was out there somewhere but in reality it was always right next to me. It was always just you.” 

His eyes tell the truth and that was what truly angered you. Even after four years, he still had a way of breaking through your hard exterior.

“Then why didn’t you come back?” you asked, voice straining, eyes holding back the tears. 

Bucky looks down at his feet. The crash of the ocean waves in distance calms him, letting the feelings he harbored for so many years flow out of his mouth. 

“Because I was ashamed. Because I felt like you wouldn’t want me back after how much I’ve hurt you,” he looks up nervously. 

“When I saw you at the engagement party I knew I had to at least try to get you back,” he says, hoarsely.  “You know I suck at confrontation, it freaks me out,” he chuckles awkwardly, keeping his own tears at bay. He swallows deep then sniffles. “But I’m here now and all I’m asking for is one chance? One chance to make it alright?” 

“I can’t,” you shake your head and it makes his heart fall. “I don’t think I’m ready.” 

“We don’t have to start where we left off,” he quickly replies, pleading for his case. “We can start over if that’s what you want. We can take it slow.” 

You look at him, quietly thinking about his proposition. He’s willing to fix things. Even if it meant starting over from scratch so he could rebuild the foundation of trust he had foolishly destroyed. He’s willing to put in the extra hours. So who were you to say no?

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t think about being with him again. 

Bucky was still the one you wanted to spend your life with. He always was and always will be. 

“Baby steps?” you whisper.

Bucky’s lips curve into a half smile. A small chuckle escapes them. “Yeah, anything you want sweetheart.” 

Your lips follow his. “I want to start again.” 

Bucky smiles, brighter than the moon. He takes your hand gently in his and kisses the back of it with a nod. 

It was the little things about him. The little things you wanted to believe you hated. The feel of his lips against your skin. The warmth in his eyes that he only showed you. 

The little things you once loved about him and continued to, even after so long, gave you the surety that a love given in full can be given fully in return. Sometimes it just takes a little time. 

FIN

[thoushallnotfall]

This might sound pathetic but here we go.. I am 27 years old and completely and utterly single. I never once had a S/O in my entire life.. not even someone who had a crush on me. Never experienced anything close to sex before.. I feel so sad, bitter and envious and I hate that I’m becoming this way. I feel jealous that my siblings and friends experienced many relationships before. One just recently broke up with their S/O not long ago and ALREADY they met someone else now and went on a date yesterday. A part of me is happy for them because I love them, but a bigger part of me just feels so angry that I want to cry. Why do things come so easily for some people who don’t try hard or really even appreciate what they have? I care so deeply and want to have something special and give all my love to someone but I’m stuck watching everybody around me live the life I wish I had. I’m sorry if I’m coming off as feeling sorry for myself. I’m just so confused and hurt. I know I’m ‘young’ but my life feels like it’s basically over and I haven’t accomplished a thing. No relationship, No intimacy, no job..(I was recently was laid off and struggling to find work.) I fear my dream of having children will never happen because this is my ‘prime time’ yet I can’t even get anyone to notice me let alone think about marriage and kids. It feels like my time is ticking and I’m just here existing but not truly living. I am so sorry for basically writing a book here. I view you as a safe place and respect your opinion & advice.

First of all, I'm glad that you feel safe coming to me. I'm not sure if anything I can say will make you feel better, but it means a lot that you feel comfortable enough to share your worries and frustrations with me.

This is likely going to be a very long post.

I can say I know all too what exactly what you're feeling.

I'm the youngest of four siblings. By the time I was 27 my three older siblings were all married (and most had been for many years, since their early twenties) and two had kids. All my friends, even the ones who had been more introverted like me, had started dating and had been in serious relationships, and I never had. It's incredibly frustrating, watching the world around you live this whole other part of life you feel like you're missing out on.

I'm 29 and I still have never had a S/O. I've been on dates, but it's been pretty scarce. I had my first kiss drunk with a guy I didn't really like because I was in this headspace of 'I should have had this by now.'

Last year, after I had thought I had gotten past this mentality, the pandemic got me feeling very depressed and lonely, and I let myself fall back into that hole. "I'm 29, I'm single, I've never had an S/O, I've never even had sex." I was also jobless at the time, and I didn't have my own place anymore and was living with a friend, so I know how dark of a pit that is to be in.

No one can expect to have great mental health right now, so to have these things weighing on you on top of everything else going on is to be expected, and you should know it's totally normal that you're worrying about them. Just don't let them eat you alive.

I'm not going to go into details, but I let my anxiety about this imaginary timeline of "when things are suppose to happen" creep back into my head, and I let a shady date I was on during that time get me drunk and I slept with him. I regret it immensely.

Your first time is not usually great, but putting aside all of that I let my loneliness, my bitterness, my belief that 'it should've happened by now' get in the way of my common sense in a bad situation and now I look back on this moment with nothing but contempt and regret.

There is no 'right' timeline for things. Plenty of people in modern society do not start seriously dating or having sex until their 30s. Their is an entire subreddit about this; you are by no means alone and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know that I felt that way about life until I was about your age, them I got my own place and I got a better job, and honestly I got very comfortable being alone. I sort of just didn't like the idea of someone being in my space. I figured if it happened it happened, but if not then whatever. (Then the pandemic hit and...yeah)

Under normal circumstances, I would say if dating is really something that is bothering you, look at what you've been doing up until this point and just change your approach.

I'm single because I rarely ever go looking for dates, and when I do I'm incredibly picky so when I get on dating apps I usually don't give anyone a chance; so I need to actually put more effort into looking for dates if I actually want to date, and I need to give people more of a chance.

It's nearly impossible to meet people in society these days without actively looking for them now. You have to go out and do the legwork; you can't just expect serendipity to come into play and to just meet someone randomly. Join dating apps, join local clubs, go to singles meet ups in your area or try speed dating. I know so many people that have met their spouses on tinder or PoF it is unreal.

Now, obviously there is a pandemic so things are a little crazy right now, so obviously be safe about it.

If you've been doing this, maybe you were like me in the early days and you're sabotaging yourself. I would always make up excuses about why someone I was out with wasn't going to work out 6 months down the line, so I shouldn't even bother trying to date them now because it won't work out anyway. I also had a lot of self-esteem issues that made it really hard for me to think about myself dating or having sex with someone. If that's the case, you may want to work on figuring out why you feel that way, and work on yourself before getting into a relationship.

The important thing to remember is that, again, there is no timeline for these things. It's not a race, it's a marathon. We're all just trying to make it to the end. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, and know that it's okay to feel sad and frustrated and lonely; just know you're not alone.

I'm so sorry to hear about your job; things have been hard for everyone recently I know better than most how stressful that situation can be. I hope you can find something else soon!

I'm not sure if anything I said made you feel any better, but I hope you get to feeling better soon! ❤️

-Rachel

[modern-oedipus]

Nowadays, I try to be mindful about not taking people I love for granted. I’ve already mentioned how saying “I love you” to them and being told that back is important to me, but there is also something most of us are not telling to them.

Thank you.

That’s right. I can’t tell you what to do with your life, but at least in my own social circle, I’d like to normalize saying “Thank you.” way more often. When was the last time you thanked to someone who made a small, guaranteed favor for you?

As a personal example, I can say that I have been living with my parents since college classes got cancelled and I came back. They are doing all of the shopping since they are going out anyway and I don’t want to expose myself to virus since I’m someone in the risk group. I say “Thank you for shopping today, welcome back”. Even though some people may argue that it is their duty to go to shopping and that we would starve if they didn’t buy the groceries, honestly, does it kill me to say thank you? Thank you for going to the grocery store. Thank you for waking up and going to work and cherishing your day and coming back home. I appreciate the fact that you are doing your best in this situation. I’d like to voice that out loud just for a daily affirmation to let you know that I notice, I care, and I am not taking you for granted. I’m here. That’s what I mostly mean.

On another note, if a friend of mine commented on one of my fics or gave me a feedback, or sent me a picture that reminded them of me, I still consciously say thank you, or an adequote sentence that voices out and solifidies the fact that I see, notice and cherish them. I say something like “Thank you for taking your time to write this!” or “I can’t believe you searched all the way through Pinterest to find aesthetics, it must have taken some time, thank you!” or “The fact that you actually made a drawing of it makes me so happy, thank you.”

Almost everyone— each one of you has known me as Nila, as someone who has already come through some obstacles in her life before she ever made an appearance on Tumblr and/or AO3 (since that’s how I got to know all of you). But I’d like to say that I used to be one of the most troubled-kids ever.

When I was a child (around age 5 to 10), I was extremely introverted, scared of social interaction, judging everyone and thinking I’m better than them, and when I was slightly older I came with the edgy “iF iT iS nOt a dEeP tAlK dOnT tAlK tO mE” phase. I had a lot, and by that I mean A LOT, of socializing problems. It felt so much worse since I was the daughter of a social butterfly, a well respected and loved man that’s kind of famous in the country, and I felt like compared to his ability to communicate mine was nothing and I was just lame. He was quite worried of this side of mine too— not because I used to prefer being an introvert, but because I was too snarky, making too much of bad comments, judging so hard, and well... Since I was a child, I can’t completely remember it all but I remember that I hated people and it sucked.

Long story short, I learnt a lot. On average, I love people now. To my surprise, I am a good communicator— I believe to me. I no longer look down or look up to people. I like small talk, I like making the small talk sincere by adding a dose of myself and just genuinely asking how your day is, rather than just making it monotonous. Both online and irl, it is easy to smile and greet and talk to people, whether it is to a crowd or to a person, to a stranger or a friend. I came a long, loooong way, compared to the girl who hated everybody and thought she was better. I just like this version of myself— constantly thriving to learn how to be healthier, to communicate better, to understand better. To cherish small and big moments. To let go of the “pride” of the worry of being unable to tell someone I like them (friends, tbh, my love life is not something I’d talk on Tumblr unless it is to give a specific example to show a point of mine, etc). Just letting it flow. Saying thank you. I rarely apologize, since overly apologizing is a big turn off to me, but if there is a genuine fault that I miscalculated, then I do apologize as well. I say I love you-s or how are you-s or I really appreciate you-s. I say “I like you, you seem nice” or I say “that’s actually quite good”, etc. I am trying to learn better about the balance of being sincere vs being pressuring, too. But... you can be whoever you want, I am not one to judge that. But if we are friends, and if this mindset is more or less okay with you, then I hope you too normalize voicing the “known” things just to... create and bond over a positive energy instead of probably leaving the other party upset because their efforts go unnoticed? Or unvoiced? (This ain’t an indirect to anyone, it’s just a pattern I observe in people no matter the age.) At least, that’s what I prefer doing. I will most likely to naturally be more drawn to people who don’t mind small, frequent, genuine appreciations either. I don’t know, it’s just me. I like voicing things and communicating clearly on positive vibes.

[aijee]

Hi, aijee! how are you? It's been so...long since I visited your tumblr account. I've been reading your rants and thoughts about your personal life and mw prompt and I really appreciated it. As someone who also having a hard time in my workplace, I've been feeling so lonely and depressed these days. I'm happy that I finally got a job and will be able to help my family in terms of financial but I'm feeling lonely because of the people I've been working with (1/2)

I feel left out and sometimes, i feel like they don't like me or is it just me, overthinking ㅜ.ㅜ anyway, I miss reading your fics. Hope, you're doing well these days!~

Hi anon, I'm feeling alright these days, thank you for asking. :) Not the best that I can be, to be frank, but I'm trying to remind myself that recovery and healing is a slow process, equally for physical and mental/emotional ailments.

Excuse the long read below (though I feel like you probably anticipated that!) I resonated with your messages.

If you'll let me vent a bit, I don't want to beat myself up for not being as energetic/productive as I used to be. The worst part of my brain keeps thinking, "Yeah, sure, we're in a pandemic, but life has always been hard, and there are so many other people who are doing just fine in this pandemic." In reality, a pandemic is a pandemic. It's unprecedented, a big fucking deal, and vaccines don't solve the wider societal issues connected to it. None of us have ever prepared for this sort of thing. Plus, we will never really know if people are truly okay based on face-value and assumptions; hell, fully vaccinated people are still suffering worldwide—financially, socially, constantly weighed by the pressure of, again, a global pandemic. I don't want to keep reminding people of it, but I guess I'm trying to remind others (and myself, honestly) that this never-ending feeling of burnout isn't out of nowhere and isn't a direct reflection of our capabilities.

To actually address your messages, first of all I want to congratulate you on your job and your newfound opportunity to financially support your family! Your family is lucky to have someone like you financially supporting them in a difficult time. Hopefully that part of your life isn't too big a burden. (I know too many people who work hard for their families, only for families to leech off of them, largely due to this societal expectation in many Asian cultures that earnings and resources are for the betterment of the whole family.)

I'm sorry to hear that your workplace life is on the more sad side of the spectrum, and that you feel lonely and depressed there. If I correctly recall, it's a medical job, right? I imagine The Big Health Problem worldwide isn't helping, if not already exacerbated medical workplace environments since long ago.

If I may offer some perspective, I understand the feelings you're feeling. Starting a new job is really tough! You're the new person so you haven't established relationships with others yet. You don't know everything or where things are located as easily. You need to ask for help. And if the people around you aren't receptive to that "baby worker" stage, then it can be tough to feel like you belong. It'll feel lonely, like you're not doing something right and/or other people don't like you because of inevitable gaps in what you know.

I felt super incompetent through the first few months of full-time work, like my boss only hired me because I worked part-time for them as a student (which is nothing compared to the real job). Everyone around me was always busy, smart, accomplished, etc. But I realized that because everyone is so busy (+ social distancing always in the air), hanging out is rarely on the mind. I had to go the extra mile outside my comfort zone to invite people to eat with me, or talk about non-work things, etc. Most people were pretty receptive to that! Those who weren't might not be in the mood (they have their own complex lives, after all) or preoccupied; maybe a different day/time, or maybe they're just not someone I should engage with. That has nothing to do with me. I know not every workplace is like that, but I like think that normal human beings with some heart would be glad to socialize or eat together if invited.

I don't want to push advice onto you, because that's not what you asked for. But my intention is to hopefully lighten your burden by pointing fingers at uncontrollable circumstances and the personal lives your coworkers live outside your knowledge.

Additionally, I'm a huge introvert with anxiety and depression, and I'm the type of person who would obsess over how I think other people think of me. But through some therapy insight, lots of reflection, and even more time, I've come to the realization that how I think people think of me is not the same as how people actually think of me. It makes sense that we'd have that defense mechanism though, right? To minimize conflict and to protect ourselves from hurt. But then I'd overthink literally every interaction I'd have with people and run my internal self ragged with negative opinions of myself that didn't come from others—they came from myself. I imagine that the "perfection" expected of medical workers could factor into this defense mechanism and cycle. It took me a long time to learn that I can stop bending myself backwards in the desperate hope of preventing negative opinions about me, since those will exist no matter what.

This isn't something that can be fixed, clearly, and might not even be that relevant to you. But I wanted to mention it anyway in the chance it would be.

I obviously don't know you personally, or the nuances of your workplace. There are probably a million and one other pertinent details I can't address. And there's also obviously a balance between not giving a shit about other people's opinions vs. acting in a way to maintain workplace harmony. But hopefully one or two things I've written in this long-ass post will be of some help to you moving forward in your work. There is still a lot of potential for positive change. It'll take time.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #334

"i dreamed i was missing  /  you were so scared  /  but no one would listen,  ‘cuz no one else cared”

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset has prettier colors, imo, but I enjoy the pastel nature of sunrises, too. Are you mentally ill? Oh brother. Are you physically ill? I don't have any serious physical health issues, no. Introvert or extrovert? I'm a very strong introvert. What do you think when you look at your body? That it's fucking disgusting. What have others said when they look at your body? When I was healthy, I was complimented every now and again. With the body I have now? I'm glad people keep their months shut. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? There's a good 'ole handful or two. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? It's weird, I'm not a city person at all, but possibly when I was walking the streets of Chicago with Sara and her dad one evening. There was just so much life, so many new sights, that it was impossible not to. Plus, I was at a very happy point in my life, so. I just enjoyed a lot. Are you confident wearing a bikini? FUCK NO. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Mentally, obviously. Everyone has at some point. I've never been seriously physically hurt by family, but Mom did spank my sisters and me as kids if we did something wrong. Biggest lie you have told? I don't really know. I get really uncomfortable telling even minor lies, so making a big one would be excruciating. I'm not saying I've never said a biggie, I'm sure in 25 years of life I said something stupid at one point, I just don't remember it. Do you believe in the Illuminati? Nah; there's some compelling evidence, but I just think it's way too big of a secret to keep. Regrets in your life? Blaming the breakup entirely on Jason and saying just plain cruel things to him afterwards. Also sending an appallingly hateful letter to Dad to vent after the divorce. Flirting with my then-best friend's boyfriend at the time behind her back. Dating Tyler (it's a small one, but still a regret). There are others, those are just the only ones coming to me right now. Achievements in your life? Lots of academic success and awards (before college, anyway...), artistic accomplishments like having my work put in a museum, surviving a traumatic breakup, (mostly) recovering from massive depression... What did people say about you in school? Nothing, really. I was a quiet student who just did her work and tried hard. Is there something you have never told anyone? Yes. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? First, I'm paying off college debt. Then Mom gets a new car, followed by me getting new glasses and renewing my permit. I'm getting a good terrarium setup for Venus. Then, it's tattoo time, baby, haha. I can't really do the mental math on how much this all would cost, but those are the high-priority things I can think of. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? Jason and I were playfighting in bed, and he had me pinned. Our faces were close, and I decided to kiss him. It was a fairy tale moment, in my eyes. He looked so bashful for once (he's far from shy) but also really happy, and I was too. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Low, I think. Or maybe average, when Dad was still around. Have you been raised by a solo parent? When I was around 17, my parents split, so kinda-sorta. Do you know both your parents? Thankfully, yes. Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. Are you comfortable accepting compliments? Ehhhh, I really appreciate them and they can make my whole day, but I'm very awkward about it. I get shy. Are you comfortable giving compliments? Oh yes. I honestly love giving compliments; I know how happy they can make me, so why not share that with others? Is any mental illness hindering your life? Guess. (: Is any physical illness hindering your life? Well, it's not an "illness," but the muscles in my legs have severely atrophied from leading such a horribly sedentary lifestyle, and that has greatly affected my ability to work without the risk of just collapsing. Walking at all is painful. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? No. I'm not really one to worry about "prepping." If it happens, it happens, man. I'm not spending loads of money on a "maybe." Are you interested in cults? Not really, no. Are your parents good cooks? Mom is fine, but it's hard to really judge Dad's cooking since he barely ever did it, plus I haven't had his cooking in many, many years. I remember he was great at making breakfast, though. That was like a rare treat, him deciding to make breakfast for everyone. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No. Do you know anyone who is an actor? No. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? They never did. Have you ever used a public pay phone? No. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. Have you taken someone's virginity? No. Is confidence cute? "Confidence, yes. But cockiness and arrogance, no. That’s a whole different area that’s definitely not cute." <<<< Nailed it. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Doubt it. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No; rather, I drink too much of it. I'm trying really hard to lay off of it, and I drink nowhere near as much as I used to (when oddly enough, I was healthy and fit), but I'm still not comfortable drinking a can and a half a day. Listening to? "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Kinda obsessed. Ever used a bow and arrow? No, but archery is cool. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I don't think this has happened since my senior shot in HS. Take a vitamin daily? Daily, no, but I really should. I take a Vitamin D capsule every Sunday, though. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I only really like "Love Story" and "Picture to Burn." Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah. Which are better: black or green olives? I don't like olives period, but I guess black. What’s your 3rd favourite animal? Huh, never thought of #3, just #1 and #2: meerkats and opossums. Maybe snakes? Do you like mushrooms? NO. NO NO NO. What dream do you remember most vividly? One I don't talk about. A childhood nickname? Mom called me "Twinkie" and still sometimes does. ;-; Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? Just Sara. And yes, regarding some people. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I'm unsure, but probably. I don't tend to just like... randomly block people. What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Of course it was MySpace. It's still floating around somewhere in cyberspace. What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I get nostalgic over the Animal Planet forums sometimes. Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Yes, Sara. I felt like it would go just fine, but it went even better than I expected - I was oddly very comfortable around her and her family. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah; I tried many brands until I settled for Equate, surprisingly. Cheap does not equate to bad quality, my friends. We always have the chocolate ones in the house, and they're really not bad at all. Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I love me my daily nap, man. What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Idk, whatever cheese is normally used, lol. What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? I guess video editing. I can't say I'd no longer enjoy it at all, but now the idea sounds far more like a chore than fun. Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? I could name five dozen, but here's just a few: coffee, pie, tea, fried chicken (or is that just a Southern thing to be obsessed with?), and... of course now that I'm asked this question, I'm blanking on the huge number I know exist. As for "why," that varies, but it's either just simply a taste or even a texture thing. How would your wedding boquet look like? I want a gothic-themed wedding, so imagine a mix of black and maroon roses... whew-wee. You’re at a bar, and you witness a man drugging some girl's drink. What do you do? No hesitation, I'm decking the motherfucker. Fuck my fear of men, he's getting knocked out, and I'm immediately alerting the staff, as well as of course the girl. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? Y'know, loads and loads of scaly and hairy ones. Got plenty of name ideas depending on what they are and how they look. The only baby whose gender matters to me is the tarantula because females live waaaay longer. Fuck them human babies, not for me. Are you an organ donor? Absolutely. I sure as hell ain't usin' 'em once I'm dead, so consider it my last act of selflessness. Whats the most you’ve ever lost gambling? I don't gamble. What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? My pebble from my "graduation" from my first partial hospitalization program. It's meant to symbolize how great pain and trials can file you into something beautiful. It was passed around group, everyone holding it in their hands as they wished me well and spoke their piece about me. I'm honestly just fighting back tears remembering it. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No, I'm way too impatient for that shit.. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Hm. I guess it depends on what you use it for. Have you ever witnessed a birth in person? A human birth, no fucking thank you. I've only ever seen pet cats give birth. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does, big time. He quit drinking, but never quite managed to stay away from cigarettes. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Seeing as I grew up with outdoor cats that we couldn't afford to fix, pretty much all of our tomcats left for roving once they came of a certain age. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan and Jason know each other, Jason and Girt know one another as well, and Sara and Girt have met. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? I simply cannot fathom the belief that "dinosaurs never existed." Explain the fucking fossils, like come the fuck on. It's absolute denial in the name of religion. What was the very first election you voted in? This one that just passed, actually. What is one random fact about you? I want like 20 tarantulas but Mom says no. :( Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Fuck no, I will do anything to stay inside in summer. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? I love band tees, yeah. My Ninja Sex Party shirt is the most comfortable, but comfort aside, it's hard to pick a favorite. Possibly my Otep one, 'cuz the design is dope. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. What season do you want to get married in? Fall. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Oh god, I don't own expensive brand stuff. I guess the only exclusion would be my Cloak shirt, but even that's not like, mad pricey. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Maybe that Catz game? Even though the music was the most fucking obnoxious meowing ever lmao. What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? It was this guy in my PHP group; my therapist surprised the fuck out of me by sharing with everyone my most recent poem (I trust him a lot, and he urges me to send him my art, so I've done that twice), and I nearly fucking died from cardiac arrest. However, this Nick guy, who's a poetry major, told me it was better than stuff he reads in his Master's program. I almost cried. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? No, not that I'm opposed though or anything. If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The one on my inner forearm. Have you ever actually met and talked to someone who’s famous? No. When was the last time you got a parking ticket for anything at all? I never have. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No; Roman won't even come close enough to a stranger TO bite, haha. It's funny, he's so goofy and you'd guess outgoing, but instead, he's terrified of people he doesn't recognize. What’s your favorite type of sushi? I don't eat sushi. What’s your favorite patriotic song? Don't have one. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, and I'd really prefer not to because it would just drag me back to dark times. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? ^ Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you like soy sauce? omfg no What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market. @_@ It's a hub for reptiles for sale, and I have my days where I just browse the ball python morphs for like an hour or so, haha. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Christ, half my friends on Facebook are having babies, idr. I don't know who was the most recent. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? I'm very fast. Have you ever been considered the "smartest person in school?" No; that was my friend Hannia. I'm pretty certain she would qualify as a genius. Her GPA was fucking incredible. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? No.

[not-from-the-absence-of-violence]

Guiltless

Summary: Virgil, Roman and Logan need some time to themselves tonight, Patton has other plans.

Pairings: Backround Loceit

Warnings: angst, unsympathetic Patton, mentions of Deceit, very brief mention of Remus, mentions of sensory overload, mentions of RSD and let me know if I missed anything!

a/n: Hey everyone! This is the first fanfic I ever posted, I hope you all like it. reblogs and feedback are greatly appreciated :). Thank you  @snixxxsmythe for beta reading <3

you can also find it on AO3 https://archiveofourown.org/works/19870198

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil slowly makes it to Patton's room, anxiety bubbling in his chest.

He tries to tell himself that it's normal that he's afraid of “confronting” Patton like this.

Because he's Anxiety, after all, and he cares about Patton, and disappointing or making him mad will make him feel bad, for obvious reasons.

 You wouldn't feel this way if it was Logan or Roman, his mind helpfully tells him.

What way? he asks himself.

 “Hey kiddo! You need anything?”

 Patton's voice is sickly sweet, it fills the air just like a fresh batch of cookies.

Guilty. Oh so guilty.

Patton is smiling at him, carefree. Cleary he hasn't been noticing Thomas’ feelings, his feelings.

Or maybe he has, and he just doesn't care.

Virgil shoves the thought down.

 “Well, I do actually, need something, that is, sorta.”

 A flush creeps onto his cheeks. Pattons laugh rings like bells.

 “Ask away.”

 He takes a breath, this should be easier, he's been practicing this for God's sake!

 “You need to let Thomas take a break!” he blurts out.

 Patton looks, well mildly surprised, but mostly he looks amused. Amused.

 “Seems like something you should ask Logan.”

 His tone is light. Virgil he can't help but feel it's the way one would talk to a small child, go talk to your other parent about it.

 But of course if he explains it Patton will understand.

 “Usually, yes. But this is the fourth time this week Thomas has agreed to help one of his friends. Tomorrow we have a get together and we are helping put some furniture together. It's draining him.” he adds a whisper, almost an afterthought. “Its draining me.”

 “You don’t think Thomas’ friends are important?”

 Virgil wants to be surprised, shocked Patton would say something like this.

It feels almost worse than he expected.

It doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilty, perhaps it's the sweetness in Patton's voice, his guiltless smile.

 “Of course, but Thomas is important too.”

 “You sound almost like Deceit.”

 He says it in a joking way, something to brush off.

There is no way Patton doesn't know how on many levels that hits him.

“But maybe you're right, I'll try better in the future, I’m sorry.”

 His tone isn't serious enough, although perhaps that is just Virgil's own imagination.

He'll take what he can anyway.

 “Oh,” he remembered “I also won't be at dinner tonight. I just need some time to myself.”

 It's an understatement, between Thomas not getting any alone time, the pressure to get the next video out and him not getting any rest Virgil was jittery, tired and very overstimulated.

Pattons smile shifts to a hurt expression, it's not even anger, just hurt.

 “OK.”

The word lingers, and there is almost hope rising in Virgil.

 “Although-”

It shatters like glass.

 ”I would say dining with your family would make you feel better.”

 He wishes it sounded passive-aggressive, it doesn't. It sounds just as sweet as anything else Patton says, sweet and perfect.

 Something in him wants to argue, it really does. He knows Patton is wrong.

But he's too tired to argue. 

 “Sure, I’ll help set the table.”

 Patton beams at him.

 “Thanks Virgil, I know you do care about your friends. ”

 It stings, but it's impossible to get moral high ground when debating Morality.

So he doesn't try.

 -----------------

When Roman is working, he feels like he's flying. Sometimes he even is literally flying! How great it is to work in the imagination.

When I am done this will be one of the best things I have made, surely! he thinks, enjoying the feeling of new exciting projects rushing through his veins

 Yes, he just needs to add some-

 He is abruptly cut off by loud knocking on the door.

It yanks him out of his concentration, and then he's literally falling out of the imagination roughly onto his bedroom floor.

 For a second he's too perplexed to think.

 Then he's confused, he has asked the rest not to disturb him while working for exactly this reason. In fact, he had told them today at lunch.

 Perhaps he has been working an unhealthy amount of time and someone is legitimately worried.

He checks the time. No, he has been working a few hours, nothing too bad.

So he goes to the door, mostly annoyed, kind of pissed.

 He is then met with Patton's lovely face.

He doesn’t stop being pissed, but he does promptly swallow whatever he was going to say.

 “Ah, Patton, what brings you to my castle on this fine evening?” he says instead.

 Patton giggles.

 “Just wanted to say dinner is almost ready!”

 Hadn't he said at lunch that he would be working? Perhaps Patton had forgotten.

 “Ah, well, you see, I just started working on my new project! I'm afraid if I stop, I'll just lose my flow, you know?”

 Patton’s disappointment is very tangible, perhaps it is because they're in Romans room, perhaps it's that Patton is emotions, to some extent.

 Whatever it is, it fills the air, and Roman isn't not sure he can breathe anymore.

 “Oh.”

 “Are you mad?”

 Roman does not mean for it to sound desperate.

 “I mean, i'm just disappointed-”

 Whatever else Patton says is left unheard, for Roman feels as he has been stabbed.

Or it could be worse, the sharp pain in his chest. It spreads, hot and thick, burning through his body.

He feels himself blush in deep, deep shame.

 He feels dizzy, he might faint, shut down.

 God it hurts, he feels tears threatening to fall.

 He shouldn't have disappointed anyone.

 He hates this feeling and he hates himself.

 What had Logan called it, the one time he had dared to ever explain it? Rejection sensitive something.

 It didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was that he wanted to go back into his room, hide, maybe for a bit, maybe forever.

 “Ok, understand, I'll come down in a minute,” he says, because what else can he say?

 Patton smiles at him, brilliant, sweet, guiltless.

 “Great!”

 It's only later that Roman will wonder. Because Patton knows, he knows how those words sting Roman.

 Surely he must have forgotten.

-------------------

It's no secret that Logan is an introvert, it's also no secret that Logan gets frustrated more easily than one might think.

 The last week has not been particularly fun for him.

 Patton had unrelentingly decided to skip on important planning for future videos and time for Thomas to rest and recharge. They had all let him.

Logan isn't sure what to do about it. Not knowing things was not helping.

 Logan didn't like the state Thomas was in.

It made him slow, drowsy and, although he did not usually admit it, snappish.

 But it was fine, tonight Logan was going to start his own personal planning for the new video.

Then he was going to go to sleep early.

 Or maybe not, maybe he would go to Deceit's room and rant for a while, that was always surprisingly cathartic. Then sleep, not so early.

 Then Patton knocked on his door. He knew it was Patton, recognizing the knocking patterns that he'd memorised by now.

 Well, there goes his planning.

 “Yes, come in Patton.”

 Patton looks all the same as always, a nice easy smile on his face, the smile of someone who knows they're going to get exactly what they want.

 “Just making sure you know dinner is almost ready!”

 Logan knew this, he also expected a reminder.

 “Well, as I have communicated before, tonight I would prefer to eat alone.”

 He looks at Patton, and kind of wished he hadn't.

 Patton is angry, although to anyone else he may seem frustrated at most.

But it's Patton, even the tiniest bit of anger on his face can be terrifying, real, unusual.

 Patton, after all, was at the core of many of Thomas’ emotions.

When he had said it that time, it was meant as a careful reminder.

 In Logan's mind the memory sounded vaguely like a threat.

 Patton was a little too cheery sometimes, happiness crackling through him like waves. At times, sadness hit him harder than the rest, harder than any fake smile could cure.

 But no one had ever seen Patton truly angry.

 It was one of the only things that made Logan fearful.

He did not want to be the one to set it off.

 So Patton just looks at him briefly, for a few seconds.

He doesn’t even need to say anything.

 “On second thought, I am sure a familial meal would be pleasant.”

 Patton’s anger is gone as soon as it appeared, leaving Logan to wonder if it was ever there.

 “I'm glad, everyone is going to be there!” He smiles, satisfaction plain as day.

 Logan hopes somewhere this will not be as horrific as he thought.

 “Will Deceit be joining us too, then?”

 Patton smiles thins.

 “No.”

 Logic reasons, that obviously he has asked Deceit- they all agreed to make an effort to understand him better, after all- but Deceit has successfully avoided coming.

 Perhaps it’s just hopeful thinking.

 “Well, maybe he will agree when you ask him next time.”

 “Oh, I didn't ask him.”

 It's said in a nice, cheery voice. No explanation, malice or thought.

 Logan and Patton walk downstairs.

 In all honesty, Logan hopes Remus comes in to wreak some havoc, at least he would have an excuse to leave.

------------------------------- 

Dinner is simply the best, for Patton.

 He chats excitedly about one thing after another, how fun it is that Thomas is going out tonight, how amazing it is that they can go see Joan tomorrow.

 He doesn’t notice how every noise, every movement hits Virgil like knives. He doesn't notice how he flinches, how he is desperately tapping a breathing pattern into the table. It’s way too much, yet Patton doesn't see.

 He doesn’t notice Logan frustratingly fidgeting with his tie. His eyes closing a little longer than usual, it's either exhaustion or understimulation. Either way, Patton doesn’t see.

 Maybe he just didn’t look, because he does notice Roman spacing out, bouncing his leg.

 “Did you hear me there Roman,” it sounds soft, “I asked you something.”

 Romans face is pale, shame clear on his face.

 Virgil is afraid that if he says anything he'll break, Logan isn't sure what he can do.

 So they quickly eat in the silence of Patton’s empty chatter.

 “Well that was fun, maybe we should do more things together!”

 No one points out that they eat together almost every day.

-------

That night Virgil storms into his room, breaking down immediately, his tears stinging his cheeks, making the oversensitivity so much worse.

 He basically throws his clothes off, the fabric rough and agonizing against his skin.

His weighted blanket offers little comfort.

 Eventually out of sheer exhaustion he collapses on his tear stained pillow, restless.

 Tomorrow he'll stay in his room, the door locked, mostly sleeping.

Hopefully he'll feel better by noon.

  That night Logan quietly makes it to Deceit's room, falling into the other side's arms.

 He rants for a while, and Deceit listens while he ruffles Logan's hair and holds him.

Deceit knows, and Deceit understands.

 They fall asleep tangled up with each other, Logan can't bring himself to care about whether the others will find them, they're well hidden after all.

  That night Roman tries to get back to work, but the concentration doesn't come.

He wants to scream, but he's afraid Patton may somehow hear him.

 Instead he throws his pen to the wall and goes to kill a dragon.

 He doesn't sleep.

He will not come back from his quest the next morning.

  That night Patton does the dishes, then he goes to bed.

He sleeps on time and easily.

When he wakes up he wonders why no one shows up for breakfast.

He'll go ask them.