#anyways!! this is for the lovely lovely loops
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HELLO? HELLO??? ?HELLO???? WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME SOMEONE DREW ART OF MY FIC AND IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL. WHAT THE FUCK
lil winged siffrin
inspired by caret's fic called kindness inherent on ao3!
#isat#in stars and time#wings au#WHA TTHE FUCK MAN DUDE I'M ON THE FLOOR THEY LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR STYLE#the silliest little goober with the most unkempt wings known to the loops#anyways chews on this furiously man i love it#if you draw more art for this au absolutely feel free to @ me on tumblr i would LOVE to see it
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convalescence. (sukuna x reader)
synopsis: convalescence noun. time spent recovering from an illness or medical treatment; recuperation. ryomen s. itadori was a disease that infected every part of your life, and you didnât notice until it was too late.
pairing: best friend's older brother!ryomen s. itadori x pre-med uni student!fem reader.
warnings: explicit content eventually, mdni.
wc: 9.3k
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you are on: prodromal. (part four)
a/n:
hiii lovelies <3 i wanna start out with an apology because this was much, much later than i wanted to post :( i am so sorry! i really appreciate all the love and can't wait to reply all the comments on ao3 and tumblr :,) you guys are amazing and keep my passion for writing going. anyways, word count is 9.3k !!! record highs breaking every chapter haha <3 i hope you all find this enjoyable after a long dry spell :) and as always, credit to my beta reader @beeh-ive ily bih
ao3 link here.
prodromal. (part four)
sukuna had discovered three key truths when he drove back home after yuuji kicked him out of his apartment.Â
yuuji was right about sukuna. it was annoying to admit that his baby brother was right about anything, let alone something so fundamental to his character. it was easier to bark out orders and shelter him from the world. to not hear him be a mature person with complicated thoughts and his own perceptionsâ especially the ones about sukuna. deep down he knew he couldnât keep yuuji unaware forever. he couldnât deny that the events of their childhood scattered his soul, which he has since collected and duct taped together over the years. he knew he was a shitty person. better than anyone else. in the late hours of night he was kept up by the memories of their childhood, ones he couldn't burden yuuji or guilt their grandfather with. it was his to keep and bury within that duct taped soul. he had made peace with it, he thought.
he could respect yuujiâs wishes (withholding some information). messing with you was just an excuse to spend more time in your presence. if that wasnât possible, heâd find ways around it. a small voice deep down was adamant to say attached to you, everyone be damned.Â
he had seen you that day walk into the coffee shop in that gorgeous outfit, skirt swishing with every move of your hips, completely captivating him. moreover, he witnessed how you spoke with suguru and it made something tick inside. heâs never gotten jealous of his best friends, not until this very moment. who was he, that you smiled so big for him? hold on, why the fuck was suguru touching your hair?Â
he pulled out a cigarette from his back pocket and lit it aggressively, smoke engulfing the sight before him. suguru was a friendly guy, he was often surrounded with women due to this fact. sukuna was well aware of it; and honestly didnât care until he was witnessing before his eyes you becoming a part of that equation.Â
friend or not, he wanted to barge in there and yank you away from his selfish, dirty and unwelcome hands. motherfucker.Â
while his angry thoughts were steaming, sukuna didnât realize suguru had left and was already making his way towards him at the bricks. sukunaâs eyes focused back and found the man towering over him, a question mark painted on his face. âthinking about something?â
sukuna flicked the ash gathering on his cigarette off of it and inhaled another puff. an exhale. âiâm gonna get a drink really quick.â he couldnât look at suguruâs face without the urge to pound him into the ground, the scene of his fingers touching your hair on loop again and again in his mind. so, he pushes off the wall, crushing his cigarette with his boot, and makes his own way into the tacky coffee shop. he hated the sugary nature of the place, it was so suffocating. satoru loved coming around to buy sweets, but sukuna never let the man sit and stay at a table if he was dragged into accompanying the white-haired idiot. the girl at the register looked mildly nervous when he stalked inside, which was a common reaction he got given his tattoos and looming figure. sukunaâs eyes drifted to the display of pastries and bread, scanning. he recalled you eating chocolates during your study hangouts with yuuji, the goddamn wrappers always littered on the table. he decided the little chocolate pillow-looking thing (he refused to pronounce whatever the fuck a pain au chocolat is) would suffice, his eyes flitting to the sight of you getting verbally abused by your loud friend. âum.. what can i get you, sir?â the small voice of the attendant brought him back to the front. he nodded, pulling out his wallet. âthat chocolate square shit.â she hummed in acknowledgement, and began getting the tong to pack it away. sukuna stopped her. âer.. actually, iâm buying this for someone. you see that girl over there? with the green ribbons?â she looked at him with wide eyes, then found you. she nodded slowly. âthatâs my girl. give it to her for me?â âo-oh! how sweet.. will do, sir! anything else for you, then?â he shakes his head. sukuna leaves, paying for your little treat. and now, he waits. suguru looked at sukuna and noticed his empty hands, even more confused than before.
âdidnât you say you were getting a drink?âÂ
âchanged my fuckinâ mind.âÂ
he pulled another cigarette out to light and his friend sucked his teeth in response. âyou really need to find another vice. nicotine is total shit, man. âs why i started weed instead, yâknowââÂ
âsuguru, please shut the fuck up.âÂ
suguruâs mouth pops in mild shock, but he obliges. he knew well it wasnât worth picking a fight with sukuna when his mood was sour, he learned that by watching satoru try sukunaâs patience on the daily. his eyes trail your figure making your way to the register and the scene unfolds exactly like he asked. he chuckled as you started looking around exasperatedly, finally meeting his eyes. he gave you a little wave. you ignore him, the treatment heâs been getting for a while now. in due time, sukuna thought. in due time he would chip at your resolve, little by little, until your walls completely broke down. discreetly and respectfully, of course.
because above all, yuuji didnât have to know about his attempts. sukuna didnât intend to lie, per say.. he just decided he could have his cake and eat it too. said cake being you.
and so this brings us to the final and most universal truth:
3. he needed you in the rawest form possible. the realization was natural. when you had asked him that night upstairs, he was caught up in words because he didnât want to end up saying the wrong thingâ it was delicate. but he needed you. sukuna didnât know how to describe why in words either.. he was studying engineering, you think he was killing it in english literature? he just knew the feeling you gave him, the one that ignited a fire in his chest and a desire to orbit your sun. he had decided he wasnât going to let you put him on the sidelines anymore; developing the fake half-way point to pursuing you in silence.
your internship was much more simple than you expected. while your interest in professor kaitoâs research was high and got your foot in the door, the actual work was rather lackluster. you spent maybe three hours at your desk organizing files and sending simple emails, but other than that? you were just passing time.Â
you had met her other student assistants a couple days into it, also in your graduation year. a mild mannered blonde man named kento and his super-positive friend, haibara. you thought kento outright hated you in the beginning, but quickly understood he was just another overworked college student. poor guy.
it really helped having something to take your mind off of sukunaâs futile attempts at catching your attention that had begun a month ago.
oh, how he was irking you.Â
the bakery freebie was the first of many unnecessary gestures sukuna had done. he had made it a habit to buy you food and have it reach you in the weirdest ways. just last week, he had hit a new low by having a doordash guy somehow get you energy drinks and candies in the middle of a lecture. a note was attached that read, âdonât fall asleep, pretty. -sâ. you were embarrassed, but thankfully the professor didnât notice. you also took it up to apologize profusely to the doordash guy for having to fulfill such a weird requestâ you had handed him a crumpled up five dollar bill from your backpack because you felt so bad. your lunch got paid for randomly, your backpack had tiny presents waiting for you when you opened it, the list was endless. you were not only irritated but also mildly spooked that sukuna was able to evade your presence and manage these stunts simultaneously. he was like a romantic batman. ew, what? no. that doesnât even make sense.
you were walking up to your apartment door late one night to see a deep red bag with black tulle stuffed into it sitting in front of it. you knew there was nobody else that would leave a gift like this in front of your door, and so you begrudgingly took it inside. it was rather heavy, which made you curious as to what exactly sukuna got you this time.Â
as you put it on your tiny kitchen table, pulling tulle away from the bag, you spot the gold-embossed box. it was a really expensive brand you had heard of but never dared to think about buying from. you could hear your parentsâ voices echoing in your head about being fiscally responsible, eliciting a shiver. carefully breaking the seal, you lift the lid to see the most gorgeous pair of maroon high-heeled mary janes. and once more, a note stuck to the tissue wrappings:
 âfor my red ruby girl. -sâ
your first emotion couldnât be anger when the gift was so thoughtful like this. you giddily squeal and try them onâ a perfect fit. but how? sukuna never asked for your size.. and you doubt yuuji would tell him without ruining the surprise for you. heâs so weird for that, you thought.Â
you walk to your floor length mirror in your bedroom and stare at the shoes, thinking.Â
he pays attention to what you like.
this was a stupid realization; heâd been getting you snacks and miscellaneous tidbits that were undoubtedly your favorites for a while. but it hits you nonetheless, your cheeksâ blush growing. you slowly sit on the ground, knees to your chest. what the fuck. you dig your fingers into the shaggy carpet, pressing down hard. you were hoping the hurty-happy ache in your fingers would go away, the one you get when you feel deeply emotional. the attempts he had made were like little vines growing over your heart, ones you had ignored for far too long and now they squeeze you tightly as if to say, âiâm literally never fucking leaving bitch!âÂ
you jolt when your doorbell rings. a melodic knock follows. âopen up, buttercup! iâm hereeeee,â nobara voice was muffled by the door but recognizable enough. you leap to your feet, nearly tripping on your way to throwing the door open.Â
nobara takes one suspicious look at your shabbily-hidden nervousness and calls your bluff. âwere you watching R-rated shit? because if so i can totally leave, no problem.â your voice squeaks in an ungodly high pitch, spluttering gibberish before you manage an âoh my god no, what the fuck!â she cackles at your reaction and slaps a hand on your shoulder, moving to enter the flat. âyouâre so easy to mess with babe, i worry for you at times! really. i do.âÂ
her eyes catch the shiny box that lay open on the table. âis that xtique? theyâre mad expensive, girl! you actually bought something from there?â âno!â you quickly burst, making nobara jump at the sudden denial. âi mean, no, it was a gift from my⊠father! for the internship.â you point to your feet and she gives an impressed hum. âtheyâre super sexy-looking. your dad has good taste.. weirdly enough.â you didnât really know what to say to that without it seeming weird or ruining your last-minute lie, so you just chuckle and nod.Â
you like chocolate, especially when itâs melty or gooey in something. you hate tomatoes. which is odd, because youâre okay with ketchup and marinara sauce, but anything with a tomato that the eye can see you donât touch. you drink a lot of coffee after lectures. you love little cute trinkets, but donât have that many.Â
sukuna was learning about you; and applying the information as soon as he did. granted, you looked positively enraged every time you saw his notes. he also saw your face turn red, so he has to be doing something right. the way your lips quirk for a moment before the eventual frown and looking around for him was pretty adorable. whatever it was, sukunaâs plan was in motion and working as he wanted. the lengths he went for you were unheard of for the usual suitor, but sukuna was a crafty guy (when he wants to be). he tipped off the doordash guy that snuck into your lecture hall an extra twenty dollars in cash to be quiet and unnoticed by the professor. he somehow made friends with the girl at the coffee shopâ said her name was christy? kristen? fuck if he knew, to be honest. he really just kept familiar with her so he could have her deliver pastries and coffee from him. Â
âthis bastâ RYOMEN! the fuckinâ oil!â sukuna snaps out of his train of thought to see he was still at work, not in his daydreams. he never got into his thoughts like this, whatâŠ? whatever. it was about you, so he didnât feel as bad. he cursed when he saw the oil pan was slightly away from under the plug, letting the oil spill all over the deck. âi swear to god ryo, you better clean that shit up before you clock out,â choso chided. his cousin-slash-coworker genuinely never caught a break with sukuna and his antics. one of the downsides of working at the shop the family owned, he assumed. but truly, choso was getting gray hairs from the amount of stress that man gave him. sukuna simply waved him off, discarding his rag that was now soaked in old oil. checking his watch, he realized he is close to his clock out time. in five minutes, he messily cleaned up the deck and made his exit, clicking his helmet on and driving out. at a stoplight, sukuna hears some giggling from the car next to him. he pans to see four girls with their windows down, now squealing because sukuna noticed them. one had her phone up, recording him? while another gestures as if asking for his phone number. sukuna scoffs out of irritation. really? he throws up his left hand which was gloved and gestures to his ring finger. they go silent and roll up their windows, embarrassed. a little lie to get them off his case was harmless, he didnât care either way. technically, it was true he was âpromisedâ to someone, that being you. eventually, he declares in his head. eventually. his head swivels to look at the buildings beside him instead of the cars while he waits for the light to flip. his eyes catch on shiny, ruby shoes in a display of a boutique-looking store. they looked awfully like the ones he saw at your apartment, and at the door the times you stayed over at yuujiâs. sukuna decides to detour and turns into the parking lot for the fancy shop.Â
when he walks in he notes itâs rather small, his large frame mildly cramping the area. it was silent and empty, save for the soft jazz playing overhead. a small but peppy old woman bustles out of the back, heels clacking. she was wearing a fancy two piece suit in some kind of purple(itâs periwinkle, but would sukuna really know that?)Â
she was about to greet him out of habit when a small âgood heavens!â leaves her mouth, in sight of her new customer. she apologizes profusely for the sudden reaction while chuckling nervously. âyouâre not our usual patron, youâll have to forgive me for my outburst dearie!â she runs a manicured hand through her blowout hair, giving a warm smile to him.Â
sukuna becomes a bit hyper-aware he was in an oil-stained wife pleaser and slacks, and his usual leather jacket. right. he just grunts and nods, looking around the store. pastel pink and gold adornments littered the walls, the smell of roses infiltrating his nose. all it was missing was you sitting in the middle of it all, honestly. this place was unironically your persona.Â
he turns to the display, thumb pointed to the shoes he saw. âyou got those in stock?â the lady perks up and immediately gets to work, buzzing around the store to grab boxes. âwhy of course! is this for a mother, sister? girlfriend, maybe?â sukuna simply nods. âgirlfriend.â she giggles melodically, opening and closing boxes. âhow sweet of you! she must be one special girl,â sukuna imagines you opening the box and wearing the shoes, your giddy excitement in private. he smiles faintly at the thought. âvery.â
she finally finds the set of ruby shoes, and asks him for your size. he replies nearly instantly. he had seen your shoes so many times, the size was always written on the sole. so maybe he had it memorized, no big deal. numbers came easy to him anyways, he dealt with many of them in his studies and job. and maybe he had a section in his notes app for you.Â
the old lady quickly wrapped up the shoes and stuffed black paper in the bag to hide the box. sukuna quickly pays, giving her a deep grumble of a thank you. she just smiles and waves him off. âi hope your girlfriend loves them!â as he leaves the shop she sighs with a bittersweet expression on her lips. she misses young love.Â
as sukuna leaves the shiny boutique, he looks at the bag in his hand. was he doing too much? he hopes you would like it, and as far as he knows, you donât own a pair of these in the red he picked. maybe it was selfish thinking that you would enjoy that same red hue you saw in his eyes, especially after that comment that lived in his subconscious.Â
your eyes are sanguine red.
he grins to himself, walking a little faster to his bike.
nobara had stayed around for a couple of hours before she called it a night, saying something about how stupid she has to study for her exams when sheâs a liberal arts student. you just chuckle and turn her loose. âyouâre always welcome to ask me for help," you chide her. she scoffs and pushes you playfully. âno way. youâre like up to your ears in stuff, i couldnât burden you. and anyways, youâre already helping yuuji and his two brain cells.â she waves you goodbye, and you head back up to your apartment once you see her get into her uber.Â
youâre about to flop on your tiny couch when your phone rings. you groan internally when you see the caller id.Â
âhello, father.âÂ
âyou need to come home this weekend.âÂ
you frown. âiâm sorry?âÂ
âdid you not hear me? you need to come home this weekend and help your brother with his entrance exams.âÂ
youâre in mild shock for a moment, making you go silent. surely he doesnât think you have time to spend an entire weekend at home. you had so many things to juggle as it was, and your weekend was kind of your safe time. if something bled over from the week, youâd do it then, or hell, sometimes you just wanted to sit and watch a show or two.Â
â..father, iâm not exactly freeââÂ
âyouâre lying. i know how many credit hours youâre doing and that internship of yours is the only extra activity in your time. seriously, when will you grow up? you have so many more duties to fulfill and youâre trying to get out of the simplest one.âÂ
you had such a difficult time reasoning with your father and itâs been this way since your childhood. he never saw what you wanted or what you accomplished. it was always âhow can she benefit the family?â you let out a deep sigh. there was no getting out of this, you accept.Â
âiâm sorry, father. iâll be home on the weekend.âÂ
âgood. your mother keeps asking about your health so donât eat any rubbish.âÂ
you make a noise of agreement, but mentally youâre rearranging your tasks for the upcoming week to allocate time for the impromptu trip. he hangs up the phone without a goodbye, as usual. the dread you felt for the first eighteen years of your life settles back into your chest like an unwelcome old friend. you sink to the couch, rubbing your chest to ease the pain. youâre looking at the setting sun seeping in from the window, the light disappearing feeling awfully similar to your emotions right now.
itâll be just another thing youâll brave through, you suppose.
kento is washing beakers in the back of the lab room, but you know you felt his eyes on the back of your head. âyes, kento?â you say without turning around. he clears his throat to cover up the cough he let out of surprise. he did not think you wouldâve noticed. âyou just seem a little downtrodden today, is all.â you let out a sad laugh and walk over to help him dry the beakers. âwell, you arenât wrong, i guess,â you say absentmindedly. you woke up today with the same dread you felt earlier this week, which you had felt every day since the call until todayâ friday. the gloomy, rainy day didnât help your mood either.Â
âanything i can do to help, maybe?â you smile at your monotonous friend. you learned he was quite caring, but had a hard time mirroring it in his tone of voice. âactually, yeah. do you think you could cover the last hour for me? iâm going home for the weekend.â he nods, putting the last clean beaker in the crate. âno worries. i hope you enjoy your time at home.â you draw a heavy sigh. âiâll try,â you manage with a deflected grin.Â
you wave kento goodbye when youâre walking out the door of the lab, heaving your bags along with you. the rain hadnât stopped by the time you were walking to your car, so you had to run to avoid drenching everything you had and yourself.Â
the drive home was mostly silent, save for your playlist playing softly in the background of the car. the rain slows to a stop when you turn into your neighborhood, which makes you slightly annoyed. couldnât it have stopped for you when you were getting a cold shower on the way to the car? once you pull up to your apartment complex, you notice something that immediately draws a groan from your lips.Â
before you is a sleek black bike, and leaning on it was none other than the object of your irritation. his helmet sat on his seat and his pink hair was moussed by the rain, making it a more deep pink shade. his stupid grin churned your insides. turning the key off in the ignition, you step out of your car, walking towards him.Â
you notice his fingers drumming on his seat. he seemed happy to see you? âforgot your umbrella?â he gestures to your head, and your face goes red. your hair was a little out of the ordinary after running through the rain. âshut the fuck up.â you quip dismissively, comb your fingers through your hair to try and fix itâ but the moisture had already had its way with you. you give up with a huff.Â
your eyes narrow at him. âare you stalking me?â you roll your eyes and cross your arms, clearly not in the mood to deal with sukunaâs games today. he protests with his hands up. âiâm no fuckinâ stalker, sweetheart. just came to drop off your jacket. yuuji said you left it at his place the other day.â you donât remember leaving anything at yuujiâs, but lo and behold, sukuna takes a jacket out of his seat compartment that looks awfully like one of yours. you stiffly accept it and look away.Â
âyou free tonight?â your head snaps to meet his eyes and that stupid smirk shone back at you. you turn away to walk back to your car. ânope. sorry! iâm leaving right now,â you swiftly call back to him over your shoulder. because of your height difference, he catches up to you in three strides.Â
he grabs your wrist, halting you before you reach the driverâs door handle. âhey, whatâs the rush? you literally got back home,â he was right. you did have things to get from your apartment, but you were more annoyed with his ambush that you simply wanted to drive home to get away.Â
âcanât you see iâm busy?â sukuna gives you a furrowed expression. âwith what?â his gruff tonality replaces the playful one he had before.
you were literally at your breaking point, couldnât he bother you another day? you yank your hand away from his grip. you give him an icy glare, unwilling to answer him. he takes your pause to maneuver around you and stand in front of the door, blocking you from entering the car. his sharp eyes zeroed in on the tension youâre trying so hard to hide.Â
âwhatâs your problem?â he asks sternly, his voice pressing against you. you clench your jaw, refusing to speak up. you hope heâll just let it go.Â
but he doesnât.Â
heâs still watching you, studying the ticks of your expression, searching.Â
âcome on,â he pushes, his voice quieter but unrelenting. âwhatâs really going on with you?âÂ
why the fuck was sukuna always around you when you were doing horrible? it was so damn irritating. you take a breath, more shaky than you wanted to show him.Â
he didnât miss it.Â
youâre fighting back the anxiety and frustration thatâs about to spill tears.Â
âiâm.. itâs nothing, i just need to go home,â your stomach is turning knots. you hate the face heâs giving you. itâs digging at you, and sukuna isnât one to back away from confrontation.Â
his gaze sharpens, his eyes flickering with something you canât read. âyou mean your family home? like with your dad?âÂ
he only heard one phone call with your father, for fuckâs sake. you almost felt angry he thought he knew exactly what was going on. your heartbeat was in your ears at this point. âwhatâs so urgent that youâre fuckinâ running away all stressed?âÂ
your fists tighten at your sides, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on you. you felt like the muddy asphalt was swallowing you. you didnât realize you were crying until a tear slid down your cheek. the words followed behind like a tsunami.Â
âyou think i want to go home?! i get told something and he just expects me to do it with no questions! i donât even.. i donât even have time to do this, but heââ
your voice gets caught in a muffle. sukuna had wrapped you in his leather-clad arms, your face smushed in his chest. he smelled like smoke and gasoline, which was weirdly comforting.Â
âjust.. cry it out.â he mutters.Â
his hand is stroking your hair softly, like you were a small child to be consoled. you didnât care to protest his sudden actions. your fists grip his tank top as you sobbed into him. you donât know how long you both stood like this, but you couldâve sworn at one point that he was shushing you like a baby, which was againâ weirdly comforting.Â
when you tilt your head up, eyes red and puffy, sukuna slips a chuckle. you slap his chest, offended.Â
âyour first reaction is to laugh at my misery, asshole?âÂ
âyour eyes are swollen, sweetheart.âÂ
you curse and press the cold backside of your hands under your eyes, hoping to reduce the inflammation. youâre both in silence for a couple of moments, him just watching you while you pretended to not notice the holes he was burning into your head.Â
he finally spoke up with a hand tapping your cheek. âcâmon, letâs go somewhere.âÂ
you give him a gaping shocked face. âiâm sorry, did you not just see me have a breakdown about needing to go home?âÂ
he rolls his eyes as if you were acting immature. god, now you know how yuuji mustâve felt growing up. sukuna was definitely as sassy as he was now. âthatâs exactly why iâm saying that, idiot. you can go home first thing tomorrow morning.âÂ
you open your mouth to argue again, but the looming dread you had of facing your father tonight still makes your stomach sink. a night to take your mind off of the stress youâve been bottling for days.. yeah, that sounds like exactly what you need. you hesitate, glancing up at sukunaâs face, searching for any hint of pity, but all you see is that stubborn determination he had.Â
âfine,â you murmur, wiping your hands on your jeans. âbut if this is some dumb excuse to make me do whatever you wantâŠâ he gives you a sly smirk, visibly amused again. âwhen have i ever needed an excuse for that?â you smack him again while he walks you over to his bike.Â
he grabs the helmet from his bike and hands it to you, nudging you with his shoulder. âjust one night, sweetheart. then you can go back and deal with⊠everything else.âÂ
you take the helmet and sigh, feeling the dread slowly lift from your chest as you click it on your head. after he climbs on the bike, he stretches a hand out to help you on which you take gratefully. he glances back at you with a soft smile you hadnât seen since that night you bandaged his hands.Â
he feels like a lifeline right now, albeit you didnât want to admit that. you just needed an escape.Â
you nearly scream when sukuna pulls into the âsmall spotâ he said he knew.Â
it was a traditional kaiseki house, one that screamed rich and elite. you were wearing casual clothes and your makeup had pretty much melted away after your cry session (you noticed that your mascara had also bled onto sukunaâs white tank top, so you scolded him until he zipped up his leather jacket with a grumble.)Â
âyou shouldâve fucking told me we were going to a nice place, i couldâve gotten ready or something!â sukuna looked practically oblivious. âwhy?â he deadpans. you fight the urge to facepalm yourself and settle for an eye twitch. âsukuna, look at me.â you gesture to your face and clothes. heâs seriously aloof, giving you a monotone stare. âyeah, iâm looking. you look pretty, why?â oh. thereâs nothing you can find to say to that because you genuinely didnât see an ounce of deceit in his expression. he genuinely believed in what he said, it seems. you process the fact he called you pretty once youâre off the bike, which makes you a little bashful.
regardless, you tried to prim yourself before you stepped inside; praying no one paid attention to you and your unlikely date. that was obviously wishful thinking considering how big of a powerhouse sukuna looked inside the small joint, which made you curse him out mentally. does he eat entire horses? however, the server looked at sukuna with respect you didnât expect, and sukuna talked to him with ease. you couldnât believe the sight before your eyes; he was acting like a socialite with insanely proper manners.Â
the server led you both to a private dining room, bowing as he closed the door behind you. you unbuckle the ruby shoes you were wearing, ironically the shoes sukuna had gifted you the week before. you hope he didnât notice.Â
sukuna takes the seat opposite you, sitting rather poised and formal. you giggle at him, breaking the royal silence you were in. he frowns at you, miffed.
âwhat?âÂ
âyouâre like, trust fund boy sukuna right now. you look so serious i thought it was funny,â you explain.Â
he grumbles and crosses his arms. âmy grandfather⊠is big on etiquette.â he manages.Â
you expect him to iterate further. ââŠaaaand?â you had sat down, resting your head on your hands, batting your lashes mockingly.Â
his frown deepens at your antics. âgrandpa owns a lot of businesses, so when me and yuu were young... he made us come to formal dinners. parties and shit. if we acted like fuckinâ animals, weâd get our asses beat.â you giggle at the thought of little sukuna causing a ruckus.Â
âi bet you were a handful.â you tease.Â
âmore like yuu was. unmedicated adhd in a boy is hell.â you agree with a nod. you felt kind of warm inside knowing something new about sukuna. yuuji had told you in the past that they were well-endowed, but these details were cute and⊠endearing to you.Â
âyou like them?â you snap out of your thoughts to see sukuna gesturing to your gifted shoes, sitting by the door next to his boots. a small blush dusts your cheeks. âitâs just a fluke⊠i was rushing this morning and they were the first pair i saw,â your excuse was perpetually lame.Â
he nods slowly, amused. ââŠright, of course.â he lays sarcastically.Â
you were about to say something else awkward when the door slid open, bringing the first course along with a round of sake. you both say your respects to the food before digging in politely. the food definitely tasted as expensive as it looked.Â
you realize youâve actually never had a meal with sukuna before. you take note of how proper he eats, which was kind of a surprise for you (again). you guess you could believe him now when he said yuu was worse off than himâ that boy definitely ate like a man starved.Â
when you finish your last piece, you take a sip of the sake the server had poured out for you. it was much smoother and sweeter than the ones youâve had. honestly, a little worrying considering how much of a lightweight you were. you decide thatâs a dangerous game and settle with nursing the small glass you had.Â
âhowâs college been, then?â this fucking⊠you didnât expect sukuna to do small talk, but here you were. âum, itâs good. a little tedious lately, but i guess i canât complain,â you chuckle softly. âthat kid kentoâs in your internship, yeah?â the way he just knew random things adjacent to you was a little scary. âyeah, how do you know that?â âheâs a family friend.â thank god. you were beginning to think sukuna had a private investigator on you or something. âo-oh, how interesting. so youâve known him for a while?â âhis father has been partners with my grandpa since we were young, so yeah.â you simply nod in acknowledgment, unsure of how to continue. this was awkward territory to speak so casually and non-hostile with the man before you. Â
âyou look like youâre being tortured to speak to me right now.â
you snap to sit more straight and less avoidant, feeling embarrassed he clocked your temperament. âsorry, iâve not exactly had any real conversations with you,â he looks unphased. âyouâre too busy trying to fight me for that.â you give him a frown. âwell youâre not exactly a ray of sunshine yourself, asshole.â he simply chuckles and takes another sip of sake. he manages to look elegant despite the fact heâs dressed like a thug. âyouâre easy to rile up, sweetheart.âÂ
you look at him incredulously. âyouâve got to be a sadist or something,â you exclaim with a small scoff. he hums. ânot the word iâd use, but if itâs easier for you⊠sure, iâm a sadist for you.â âfor me?â âi donât mess with anyone else, if youâve noticed.â youâre mildly confused, given that you know his track record, but you digress. you give him an unimpressed look.Â
ââŠright.âÂ
he gives you a look back. âfuck you mean by that?âÂ
âoh câmon, just because i met you recently doesnât mean i didnât know of you before that.âÂ
his weird look deepens. âoh? and what did you know of me, sweetheart?â heâs absolutely egging you on, but not in a way thatâs teasing. he truly wants to understand what preconceived notions you have of him, almost like it was making him upset.Â
âi mean⊠youâre a frat boy, sukuna. you get girls. you party. that earns a reputation, at minimum.âÂ
he looked a little hurt by your words, but he doesnât let it stay long enough for you to notice. âtell me this, sweetheart. are you an introvert that only studies all day?â you stiffen. ââŠno, iâm not an introvert. and i like doing other things too,â âyou liked it when i passed judgment on you being nothing but a booksmart nerd the first day i met you?â you shake your head slowly. âthen youâre beating your fuckinâ stereotype. just like how iâm not the fuckinâ stereotype others say about me. understood?âÂ
you start to feel bad that you threw the same callous mindset heâs probably faced before, which was super out of character for you. you were an open minded and intuitive person. âiâm sorry, sukuna. i guess iâm just⊠having trouble understanding some things.âÂ
he raises an eyebrow. âlike what?âÂ
ââŠwell,â you take a sip of your sake to give yourself time to recollect. âi guess i want to know why youâve been gifting me so much these last few weeks.âÂ
he visibly lightens up, slipping back into his playful demeanor. he purposefully takes a comically long sip of sake, causing you to laugh and smack him across the table, chiding him. âoh my god, stop! you suck, really,âÂ
he glances at you from the side of his eyes. âi just wanted to.âÂ
you look into his eyes, searching his gaze. a small smirk plays on your lips. a jolt of confidence hits you as you lean over the table on your elbows. âyou got a crush on me, itadori?âÂ
he matches your energy tenfold, leaning towards you in tandem. youâre almost nose to nose. âinconclusive, sweetheart.â Â
you sit back down with a small blush. âyouâre not getting compensated for them, by the way.âÂ
he snorts, a deep chuckle following. âi never expected you to. theyâre gifts, sweetheart. and i sure as hell know that little internship of yours pays in pennies.âÂ
you give him a withering look of irritation. âi get paid in experience, sukuna.â âthatâs straight bullshit they tell you, you know that? you realize i graduate this year? already seen the way internships pan out,â true. âpotayto potahto, dude.âÂ
his brows upturn out of amusement. you opt to change the subject from you.Â
âyouâre a mechanical engineering major, right?â you ask, tilting your head curiously. he just nods, his face giving nothing away. âhowâs that, then? fun?â
he fixes you with a dry, almost exasperated stare. his eyes narrow slightly, eyebrows upturned just enough to convey that heâs calling your bluff. âis that a real question,â he drawls, âor are you seriously asking me about my major?â
you clench your jaw, resisting the urge to sock him in the shoulder. instead, you force yourself to keep smiling. âyou nearly made me want to explode with your small talk, so just answer the damn question.â
a smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth, and he snorts. âif i told you i find this fun, thereâs probably somethinâ wrong with me.â
you roll your eyes and mutter under your breath, âthereâs definitely a lot wrong with you, but whatever.â
he raises a brow, leaning in just a bit too close for comfort. âhm? say that louder for me, sweetheart?â
you feel heat rise to your cheeks as your lips slip into an involuntary pout. you hate how you canât control your expressions around himâitâs like your face has a mind of its own. you avert your gaze and take a long sip of your drink, feigning nonchalance. âi donât know what youâre talking about,â you mumble, the sake warming you from the inside out as you mimicked his usual unbothered attitude.
without warning, he stretches out his hand and flicks you on the forehead, a light but annoyingly precise tap. âidiot.â he mutters, sounding amused.
you groan, rubbing the spot where he flicked you. âwhen will you stop calling me that?â you whine, exasperated.
his laugh is low and unapologetic and his eyes twinkling with something irritatingly fond. âwhen you stop doinâ stupid shit. cute, stupid shit.â
somehow that pulls a genuine laugh out of you. you catch yourself mid-giggle, feeling suddenly self-conscious as sukunaâs gaze softens, just barely, his lips twitching into a smile. heâs watching you with this odd.. elated expression, like heâs seeing something new in you. you quickly clear your throat and try to regain composure, but the grin on your face lingers.
âwhat?â you ask, embarrassed, still smiling despite yourself.
he shakes his head, almost imperceptibly, but the faint trace of a smile remains. ânothing. just didnât think iâd ever hear you laugh like that.â
a warm blush creeps up your neck, and you look down, fidgeting with the chopsticks. âi do laugh, you know,â you murmur, trying to act casual.
for a moment, he just looks at you, his gaze unguarded in a way that makes your heart skip. the silence stretches between you, not tense but charged, like somethingâs shifting that neither of you can quite name. he tilts his head slightly, studying your face as though heâs trying to memorize every detail.Â
the rest of your meal with him was filled with this unspoken, almost serene connection that neither of you quite acknowledged, but both felt. the conversation felt more natural and genuine, you couldnât stop talking it seemed. you found yourself stealing glances at him more often than you meant to, feeling a strange warmth in your chest each time your eyes met. there was an ease to the way you sat together, as if the world outside had faded away, leaving only the two of you in this strange little bubble.
not before long, you both had finished your food with much satisfaction. This is definitely one of the best meals youâve ever had. when the bill comes, you half expect sukuna to pull out a credit card but instead, he glances at the check just a moment before he pays with a bundle of crisp bills from his wallet. god, that was unnecessarily hot.
"letâs go," he says, standing up. he waits for you to put on your shoes before offering his hand as if itâs the most natural thing in the world.
you take it, the touch warm and solid. heâs particular about the way he holds your handâ not too tight, not too soft. that makes your heart skip a beat. not to mention your hand is small in comparison to his, but a weirdly perfect match. like a peg sliding into a notch.Â
as you walk out of the restaurant, you feel the cool night air hit you, a refreshing contrast to the warmth inside. sukunaâs hand still holds yours, his thumb lightly grazing your knuckles as you both make your way to the street.
thatâs when you spot itâan unassuming little ice cream stand on the corner, the twinkling of the fairy lights on its canopy making you grin up at him.
you tug on his hand, pulling him toward the stand before he can even say anything. "ice cream." you say with a mischievous smile, not even giving him a chance to protest. "you are legally not allowed to say no."
sukuna gives you a feigned look of annoyance at you but doesnât pull away. âyouâre insatiable,â he tells you, but thereâs no real irritation in his toneâjust the faintest hint of beguilement. you donât miss the way his grip on your hand tightens, just a little, when you pull him toward the stand.
the vendor behind the counter greets you both with a toothy smile, and you instantly scan the flavors, your eyes lighting up as you point to one that catches your attention. "iâll have the matcha," you say, already thinking about how good itâs going to taste.
sukuna gives you a side glance before ordering the most basic thing he couldâve chosenâvanilla. you canât help but notice the contrast between his choice and yours, and it makes you giggle.
âyou and giggling today, i swear,â he teases. you take the cone from the vendorâs hand with a small thank-you, sticking your tongue out at sukuna before giving your cone a lick. sukuna takes his cone shortly after, paying the man.Â
walking together, hand in hand, the quiet sounds of the city hum around you. itâs almost too perfect, the way he towers beside you, both of you savoring your cones. despite the fall night being cool, soon your ice cream starts to drip and melt faster than you can eat it. you try to keep up but itâs a losing battle as your hands get sticky and little droplets threaten to trail down your fingers.
out of the corner of your eye, you catch sukuna stifling a snort, his shoulders shaking slightly as he reaches into his back pocket to pull out a crumpled handful of napkins. he must have grabbed them at the stand, almost as if he anticipated this exact moment.
âsomehow i knew youâd end up eating like a messy kid,â he teases, his voice tinged more tender than youâre used to. before you can reply, he steps closer, raising the napkin to your face with a gentle hand, his fingers brushing your cheek as he dabs at the melting ice cream on your lips and chin. his touch is careful and surprisingly soft, as if heâs handling something delicate.
âthank you,â you murmur, the words almost a whisper as you meet his eyes. theyâre closer than you expected, and you catch your breath as he holds your gaze, just a fraction too long. you look away, the heat of his hand lingering on your cheek, and take another bite of your cone, trying to steady the flutter in your chest.
when you finish, you make your way back toward his motorcycle parked beneath a flickering streetlight. its chrome metal was gleaming in the muted glow. you lean against the seat as he stands in front of you, hand on the seat space beside where you were situated. this definitely feels like a date now, you thought.Â
his presence was grounding you in a way that felt both comforting and thrilling. he eats the last bite of his cone before wiping his own hands clean, then tossing the dirty napkins in the bin behind him. âcan i ask one more question?â you look at him with a small smile. âsure, sukuna.âÂ
his hand that was now free of the ice cream cone instinctively goes to your other hip, not out of flirtation, but simply closer proximity. you were in the space between his legs, but it wasnât awkward. it was just intimate.
âwhyâd your dad ask you to come home?â you let out a small sigh, brushing your hair out of your face to no avail as the wind pushes in your face again. you look a little solemn as you speak. âhe wants me to help my brother with entrance exams for secondary school. iâm really just doing the work of a tutor, which i canât imagine my father couldnât afford, especially in terms of my brother.. but, i have duties that are unspoken, i guess. that iâm just expected to follow through. my tuition for university is paid by him, so i canât exactly ghost my family. and my mom is still great with me, so.. i donât want to lose her too,â you admit.Â
when you finish you realize sukunaâs been rubbing circles on your side, deep in listening to you. âi know familyâs tough,â he replies. âbut you need to realize when itâs starting to screw you up. iâm sure if i didnât come to your place, youâd still be burying yourself under all that fuckinâ expectation and youâd be burnt out by the morning.â you nod, the weight of his words settling in, and for a moment, youâre grateful for the honesty heâs bringing out of you. itâs strange, this feeling of openness with him, like heâs peeling back the layers you keep hidden from most people.
âmaybe,â you mutter, looking down at your hands, which are still a bit sticky from the ice cream. âbut itâs hard, you know? i feel guilty when i consider putting myself first, like itâs selfish or something.â
you hear sukuna inhale deeply, still focused on you. âselfish? putting yourself first is sometimes the best damn thing you can do. youâve got one life, sweetheart.â he pauses, the weight of his gaze meeting yours. âif you donât set those boundaries, no fuckerâs gonna do it for you.â
his hand brushes a stray hair off your cheek that had been in your face for a while now, and your heart skips as his thumb lingers there. he leans in just a little, enough that his face is close, his gaze holding yours in a way that makes the rest of the world blur.
you swallow, feeling a warmth rising in your chest, a feeling thatâs unfamiliar to you. âthanks. i guess i needed to hear that,â you whisper, genuinely touched.
he tilts his head slightly, a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth, though thereâs something softer behind his eyes. âanytime, sweetheart.âÂ
without thinking, you shift your hand up to rest against his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath your fingertips.
he raises a brow, an amused but warm expression lighting up his face. âtryinâ to feel me up now?â he chuckles, but his voice is softer than usual.
you laugh, rolling your eyes, but you donât move your hand. âshut up,â you murmur, your fingers tracing idle circles on his shirt as you both stay there, close and comfortably silent. the connection between you was enough. sukunaâs hand shifts to gently cup the side of your face, tilting you to see him. you really see him. his thumb grazing your cheek, his gaze flickering to your lips and then back to your eyes. you feel like the world has stopped around you two. you feel the subtle pull of his fingers on your skin. your heart beat is pounding out of your chest, and you feel his racing through his jacket too. in that instant, everything feels inevitable.
the harsh honk of a car horn cuts through the air, dragging you out of the moment with a jolt. you blink as the abrupt return to reality makes your breath catch in your throat. you pull away instinctively, breaking the bubble you were in. the realization of what was about to happen makes you nervous and almost scared. suddenly, you felt suffocated again. you shift, fumbling your fingers with your head down.Â
sukuna stands still, silent. his hand that was almost ready to pull you in rested at his side now. his expression was rather blank, but different about the way heâs watching you. itâs quieter, more reserved, like he's waiting for you to say somethingâanythingâto bridge the gap thatâs formed between you. his jaw tightens slightly, just a hint of frustration, but he says nothing. he doesnât rush to fill the silence. his silence is weighty, deliberate, and you feel the intensity of it even more because of it.
you glance at him quickly, and for a split second, you wonder whatâs going through his mind. he doesnât look at you with expectation but with that unreadable intensity that seems to pierce straight through you. you swallow, breaking the silence first. âsorry,â you manage, the words coming out squeakier than you intended, the awkwardness making you want to jump off a bridge. god, strike me down now or so help me.
âdonât apologize,â he rasps, his voice low, rougher than before. itâs not a demand, more like a quiet statement of fact. âyou didnât do nothinâ wrong.â
his words hang in the air, steady and unyielding. itâs not comforting in the traditional sense, but itâs thereâuncompromising, like heâs just being real with you. thereâs no pushing or attempting to rush things. heâs waiting for you to say what you need to say, or to fall silent again. like whatever you do, heâs not going anywhere.
you instead opt to pivot like you usually do, and turn to get on the bike. you check your phone and give a fake little chuckle. âitâs getting so late, wow! we should head out. yeah?â sukuna realized you were definitely feeling weird about the moment you just had, so he wasnât going to make it ruin the night you both had enjoyed so far. he only nods. âlemme take you to your place.âÂ
the ride was weirdly quiet, even though you never spoke on the bike anyways. it was too loud over the roar of vehicles on the road. when sukuna turns into your street, you feel a wave of nervous energy pulse through you again.Â
the bike slows as he pulls up to the curb in front of your building, the streetlights casting long shadows across the pavement. sukuna parks, but doesnât make a move to dismount right away. he keeps his hands on the handles, his body still. itâs as if heâs waiting for you to move first.Â
you shift off the motorcycle and walk to his side. you donât give yourself the chance to second-guess it. sukuna looks like heâs about to say something when you press a soft kiss to his cheek, fleeting and sudden, just enough to catch him off guard. for the first time ever, you saw sukuna blush. before he can say anything, you step back already turning on your heel to run briskly towards the entrance of your building, heart hammering against your ribs.
âgoodnight!â you call over your shoulder, your voice filled with the adrenaline rush you were feeling. you donât wait for him to respond as you push open the door and slip inside quickly. the cool air of the building is a sharp contrast to the warmth that still lingers on your lips. You press your fingers on your lips, feeling your heartbeat even in your fingertips. you seriously donât know what you were thinking⊠tonightâs feelings are swirling around you as you make your way up the stairs to your apartment.
sukuna was sitting for five minutes on his bike in front of your apartment, brain flatlining. he was going to kiss you. he was so close to your lips. he thought that chance encounter was the most he was going to get tonight when you decided to do that and have the gall to run away.Â
he didnât wash his face that night.
a figure with shoddy blonde hair puts out his cigarette stub on the wall, exhaling the last drag he had. the rooftop was empty, save for his friend. mahito sucks his teeth and throws the bottle of beer he was drinking on the ground, the shatter echoing in the dark night.Â
âfuck, man! what are we going to do about that motherfucker?â he seethes, face red from his drunken rage.Â
naoya chuckles at his lack of control. he didnât seem as pissed about the whole ordeal, especially not as much as mahito. the fraternity wasnât everything to him. and he knew good things come to those who are patient.Â
âdonât think about him. we need to focus on the bitch that curved you,â naoya tells him coolly.Â
mahito nods slowly, raring up with hype. âyeah⊠yeah! that ugly whore that got me jumped!â naoya just stares out at the buildings below, unbothered.Â
âsheâll pay, mahito. just wait.â
sooooo :) how was it guys :) as always i live and breathe for comments (and all reactions hehe) so please don't hesitate <3 i try my best to reply to everyone in a timely manner, but please have mercy on me if i don't </3 love you all!
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© sozila 2024, all rights reserved. please do not plagiarize, translate, or repost any of my work on other mediums or sites. cross-posted on ao3 and tumblr under same alias.
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THE BOY NEXT DOOR (pt4)
Word count: 2k
Hamzah x reader
ââââââââ*:ïŸâ§*:ââââââââââ
The next few days passed in a blur - some more interactions with Hamzah, some more errands to run, and ,somehow, it was the night before we left for Croatia.
I was neatly stacking my clothes into my suitcase, my feet folded under me as I sat on the floor, when I heard the knock. I trudged to the door, shielding my eyes from the late afternoon light streaming in through the open window and casting a golden hue throughout the apartment.
Opening the door, my eyes fell upon a tall, curly-haired boy. A beanie was pulled low against his brow, a few loose curls escaping it and framing his angular features. He scrubbed a hand against his firm jaw, smirking as he locked eyes with me.
âOh. Itâs you.â I turned, beginning to walk back to my room and continue packing.
âI just love your enthusiasm to see me, girlfriend!â Hamzah said chirpily.
âNope! None of that, please. Not when itâs just us,â I called over my shoulder, waving Hamzah away as he followed me into my room. As he crossed through the doorway, his gaze darted from wall to wall, taking in all of the decor. He seemed awed, looking at the trinkets on my desk to the spines of the books on my shelves.
âFirst time youâve been in a girlâs room for a while, huh?â I teased, settling back down on the floor. Hamzah chuckled, crossing his hands across his chest and leaning against the door.
âFirst time Iâve been in one this chaotic, thatâs for sure.â
âUnfair. Iâm packing. Why are you here, anyway?â I asked, agitated and unsure how he had found his way into my room.
âI wanted to ask you on a date, he replied coolly, spinning the ring on his finger.
I almost dropped the pair of sandals I was holding in shock, before I remembered our arrangement.
âAs practice?â I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.
âObviously. I just think we should go on a proper date, itâll probably be better practice than anything else weâve tried.â
I thought about it for a second.
âFine. But help me pack, first.âÂ
*
After a short car ride of bickering over the radio, we finally reached the restaurant Hamzah had wanted to come to. I had changed before we left - ditching my boy shorts and hoodie for a pair of dark denim jeans and a fitted blue shirt. Standing on the pavement outside, I looked up at the building, a cursive sign denoting the place to be Enzoâs italian ristorante. Fairy lights draped from the branches of two blossoming trees cast the facade in an ethereal glow against the dim, pale light of the moon.
It was beautiful. I was slightly surprised that Hamzah had taken me here, I had honestly been expecting a fast food place where weâd eat in the car. I began to walk toward the large double doors of the restaurant, Hamzah beside me. As we reached the entrance, Hamzah pushed open the door and pressed his other hand to the small of my back to guide me inside. I instinctively flinched away from him, swatting his hand away and scrunching my brow in distaste.
He leaned into my ear, whispering in a hushed voice, âNuh-uh. As far as anyone knows, weâre dating. You have to act like it, not how you normally do, you have to sell it.â
I raised my eyebrows. Was that a challenge?
âOh Iâll sell it alright,â I murmur, pushing my way through the door and striding up to the desk.
âHi there!â I greet the waiter, turning to face Hamzah beside me. âHoneybuns, do we have a reservation?â I asked, looping my hands around his bicep and resting my head on his shoulder. I plastered a cheesy smile onto my face, turning back to the server. Hamzah stammered for a moment, his eyes darting between my face and my hands.
âYes, we do,uhh⊠baby,â he said, turning to tell the server his reservation. The man nodded, and led us to our table.
âCan I get you started with any drinks?â
âOoh,â I say, âIâll have a glass of wine, please.â
âWhich o-â the waiter begins before he is interrupted.
âHold on, sugar. Are you sure you should be drinking, you know, with the baby?â Hamzah said, resting his hand on mine outstretched on the table. I gritted my teeth, shooting him a lethal death stare.
âOf course, youâre right, babe,â I managed through my scowl. âJust two cokes then, please,â I asked the waiter, who promptly whisked away with our order.
I threw my hands up in the air and glared at Hamzah, who was laughing to himself.
âGreat, so now I have to get through this sober, too,â I grumbled.
Hamzahâs smile stretched further into a grin. âTwo can play at your game, y/n.â
*
After placing our orders, the conversation flowed somewhat freely. It didnât feel like a real date, the tension that always hung between us was ever present, yet I could somewhat relax in the ease of conversation. Hamzah was talking about cats when I spotted the waiter coming towards us with our food, and I decided to swiftly change the topic.
âOh, baby, my legs are still aching after last night. I could hardly stand after you-â the waiter reached our table, a mortified expression on his face. âOh! Thank you!â I said innocently, shooting a smug grin at Hamzah, who seemed equally as shocked.Â
âSorry if you overheard that,â I said to the waiter, âbut can you blame me? Look at this handsome face!â I reached across the table and took Hamzahâs face in my hands, squeezing his cheeks into a pouty expression.
âIf you think thatâs impressive, you should see his-â
âOkay!â Hamzah interrupts. âThank you, everything looks perfect.â He nodded curtly at the waiter, who seemed extremely relieved to be dismissed.
âChrist, y/n, youâre going to get us thrown out,â he whispered, a simultaneously amused and shocked expression on his face.Â
I laughed in response, turning my attention to my meal and plotting how I could one-up his antics.Â
âSoâŠâ Hamzah started, breaking the silence that had settled between us. âDo you really think Iâm handsome?â
I rolled my eyes.
âI hate you,â I said with a sigh.
*
We had enjoyed our meals, and the lateness of the evening combined with the amount of food we had eaten was beginning to take its toll on both of us. I yawned, and Hamzah took that as an indication to get ready to leave. I looked up at him, a glint of mischief in his dark eyes, and sighed in anticipation.
âMy angel honey bear, I love you so much, and thereâs something I have to do before we go.â
I watched intently through narrowed eyes as Hamzah rose from his seat and moved to stand beside me.
âI have loved you since the moment I saw you, my pretty princess.â He placed a hand on my knee, lowering himself to the ground. My mouth dropped open in shock, not believing that he had taken it this far.
ây/n, will you ma-â
âGet up.â I whispered through gritted teeth, a faux smile plastered on my face as I looked around at everybody watching us. Hamzah conveniently ignored me, reaching into his jeans pocket. He pulled out a silver ring, one which I had noticed on his hand earlier. Bastard.
âWill you marry me?â He continued, looking up at me in a display of faux apprehension.
I glanced around at the room of expectant people watching us, and almost kicked Hamzah right in front of them. I had to play along, to win the challenge he and I had almost wordlessly set ourselves. I couldnât let him win.
âYes!â I exclaimed, in far too high a pitch.Â
Cheers erupted throughout the room as I offered Hamzah my hand. He slid the ring onto my finger and it was, of course, far too big. He rose to his feet, sweeping me up into his arms and whisking me out of my seat. He laughed in my ear as he swayed me from side to side.
âI think I won,â he taunted in a sing-song voice.
âIâm going to kill you.â I threatened. âI donât even wear silver, you dick.â
He set me down on the floor, pressing a kiss to my temple as he waved to the onlookers. I buried my head in his shoulder, giggling. In this moment, the euphoric high of deception and good humour tethered me to him - our joint laughter intoxicating and joyous. He wrapped his arms around me, encircling me in an embrace, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged.
*
âDefinitely worth it for a free dessert, I have to admit,â I said through a mouthful of fudgy brownie.
âMhm,â Hamzah replies, chewing on a spoonful.
After the fake proposal, our waiter brought over a huge plate of dessert, which we had already demolished.
âOkay but seriously, be at mine at 5am so we can go to the airport. Mandy and Martin are going to pick us up from the airport in Croatia, so as soon as the plane lands we need to be locked in,â Hamzah told me, an intensely serious look in his deep brown eyes.
âRight. Havenât I proven tonight that Iâm good at this?â
âI have to admit you are, but when youâre not acting you give off this repulsed vibe that wonât help our case.â He said, pursing his lips in thought.
I raised an eyebrow at him.
âGirl, you know Iâm right.â
I scoffed and shook my head, muttering âSassy man apocalypseâŠâ under my breath.
*
Trudging up the stairs to our floor, a comfortable silence settled over Hamzah and I - slightly breathless from the steps but also not feeling the need to speak. I trailed behind him as he stepped onto the landing, pausing to turn back at me.
âI had a good time tonight, youâre actually not unbearable,â I told him.
âYouâre so nice to me,â Hamzah replied sarcastically with a cheesy smile. I giggled into my hand, reaching into my bag to grab my keys.
âHold on,â Hamzah interrupted, closing the distance between us in a single stride. He took my hand in his, lowering it to my side, and placed the other on my jaw. I almost recoiled from his searing hot touch, but something in his eyes rooted me to the spot, transfixing my gaze onto his.
âI think we should practise one more thingâŠâ he whispered, almost inaudibly, as his gaze flitted to my lips.
âHmm? And whatâs that?â I said coyly, widening my eyes as I wetted my lips with my tongue. Hamzahâs gaze fixed onto the action, swallowing a lump in his throat as he watched. He pressed himself closer to me still, further entangling his fingers with mine. He looked into my eyes for a moment before pressing his lips to mine. He cradled me against him, his large hand roving up my back and pulling me in even tighter. His mouth moved against mine with experienced skill - he was clearly well practised. Something about this realisation caused a tightening in my gut. Jealousy? Attraction? My mind was becoming more like mush every moment his lips were on mine, making it impossible to identify. My fingers tangled in his unruly curls, gently angling his head to fit better against mine. He let out a soft grunt as I ran my hands across his scalp, causing the fire in me to burn even brighter. Just then, Hamzah broke the kiss, dropping his hands from the embrace and returning his gaze to my eyes. His slightly flushed face and swollen lips made my stomach flutter, his hooded eyes on mine unbearably attractive.Â
âHow was that?â He whispered against my face, slightly breathless.
âActually not unbearable,â I replied, biting my lower lip and smiling up at him mischievously.Â
The grin he gave me confirmed everything I had been doubting. This boy would be the death of me.
#slushy noobz#hamzahthefantastic#4freakshow#martin and hamzah#hamzah fic#hamzah imagines#hamzah x reader#fanfic#hamzah x y/n#hamzah fluff#romcom#enemies to lovers#hamzahthefantastic x reader#slushynoobz
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also for some fun behind the scenes of this fic if anyone's interested...... the soulmate tattoo can be seen in this video of a traditional korean knot. just imagine there's no tails on either end and it's a diamond loop and that's their shared tattoo.
i'm not korean, but in my research into these knots (called 맀ë / maedeup which you'll see in the fic) they are knots that have bilateral symmetry which means the left and right side perfectly mirror each other. i thought this was really lovely imagery for the idea of soulmates, particularly in red with the red thread of fate mythology.
while most maedeup were historically decorative, and some have meanings or are meant to look like flowers, the knot i chose for reader and yunho is a josephin or josephine knot, which is a traditional lover's knot, but done in the korean style. josephine knots are considered 'unbreakable' and symbolize eternal love, often seen in wedding rings.
i'm threading a lot of imagery into this fic that connects with soulmates, korean myth, and traditional elements like this.... so i just wanted to share what's relevant for chapter one if anyone finds that kind of thing interesting.
anyways happy reading!! this one is very special to me and i hope you all enjoy reading it as i've enjoyed writing it.
across stardust - one (j.yh)
summary:Â you and yunho have worked together for years, idol and makeup artist, but until today you've never touched him skin to skin. when the world tilts on its head from just a brush of his cheek, you realize he's so much more than a crush, he's your soulmate. one | two | three | four
note:Â please enjoy this truly self indulgent romance. will be four parts total, and i'll post each as soon as they are ready to go. happy comeback week, and i hope everyone enjoys this đ
tags/warnings: idol!yunho, makeup artist!reader, fem!reader, soulmates au, soulmate identifying marks, soulmate tattoos, tattoed!reader, a lot of fluff and tenderness, love at first touch, shared feelings/emotions/physical sensations, anxiety/stress over what to do, reader's family isn't the best, kq is not the best company for the purposes of this fic!, light smut including - heavy makeouts/grinding, hand kink, size kink, phone sex, sexting, fingering, jacking off, dirty talk, praise, use of good girl, use of pet names like baby/jagiya/sweetheart. basically this fic is an excuse for me to write star-crossed desperate love so i would say it's the literal opposite of a slow burn lmao
pairings:Â yunho x reader
genre: fantasy, romance, smut || soulmates au
word count:Â 17.9k
Itâs eleven in the morning when your day starts, hiding in the green room of a concert venue in Berlin, and the day feels lost already. With Eunji and Dahan ill that only leaves you and Iseul to handle makeup for all eight members and with how exhausted you are from yet another night of little sleep, you donât know how youâll be able to keep up. Youâre trying to stay awake, but while the members are all out on stage learning their marks and rehearsing the improvisational moments for this tour stop, the green room is quiet and you keep nodding off.Â
âBad night?â Iseulâs voice startles you out of one of your dips into sleep and your body jerks up right.Â
âFuck,â You breathe, âhey,âÂ
âHere,â She pushes a bright can into your hands, an energy drink, âyou need this.âÂ
âI need to be sedated,â You grumble, taking it from her, âthe time difference is never this hard,âÂ
âMm,â She shrugs, âitâs unpredictable,âÂ
âYeah,â You sigh, âI guess.âÂ
The thumping music outside as they run through another track is starting to give you a migraine. You take a long sip of the drink and then leave the can on the table in front of you, choosing instead to hide your face in the sleeves of your sweatshirt and let out another long sigh.Â
âGirl,â Iseul nudges you, âyou look like shit. Your station looks like shit.âÂ
âThank you?âÂ
âIn thirty minutes weâre going to be busier than weâve been since that Inkigayo stage for Answer,â She points out and you grimace at the reference. Back then it really was just a skeleton staff and one of the makeup artists quit on the spot, too stressed to continue the work and walking out in the middle of doing Yeosangâs foundation.Â
What a mess those old days used to be. Nostalgia sometimes makes you forget how late those nights were and just how impossibly tired you had been. This feels too reminiscent of that for sure.Â
Iseul taps your shoulder to get you to lift your face as she continues, âI know youâre tired, but I canât do this shit on my own. I need you.âÂ
âOkay,â You breathe, scrubbing your hands over your face to jolt yourself awake as best you can, âyouâre right, Iâm sorry,âÂ
âDonât be sorry,â She gives you a sympathetic smile, âI get it.âÂ
This tiredness feels different though, so deeply ingrained in your body. Somethingâs been keeping your adrenaline running like a long, drawn out anxiety attack and you canât understand it. Youâve been on tour before, youâve been on planes, youâve had long days, and youâve worked with this exact group for years. Thereâs nothing on paper that should be making you so anxious, but the threads of it are humming in the deep back of your brain even now.Â
âCome on,â Iseul prompts again, pulling you to your feet, âletâs get you in gear.âÂ
âRight,â You take another long sip of your energy drink and pray it starts kicking in soon and that the effects wonât make you feel crazier, âletâs do this.âÂ
She helps you put your station together with ease and then pull yourself together. Within those precious thirty minutes of calm before the storm youâve downed two cans of pure caffeine, assembled your station and strapped on your brush belt, and tried to make yourself some form of presentable by slicking your hair back into a smooth knot and adding a coat of lip balm.Â
As always, the boys have used the ladder game to determine hair and makeup order which means those at the bottom of the list have more time to relax fresh-faced on the couches before getting poked and prodded and wrapped up like presents for thousands of screaming fans. With only you and Iseul available itâs about to be a race against the clock to get them ready.Â
Their managers hustle them from the stage to the back rooms where the rest of the staff waits, and the members gather around you and Iseul and your makeshift makeup stations.Â
âAlright,â Iseul says as the members quiet down, âweâre down some staff as you know,âÂ
They nod attentively and you trade a close lipped smile with Hongjoong.Â
âWeâre just going to do the best we can as quickly as we can,â She explains, looking down at their names on a slip of paper, âWooyoung, Yeosang, Jongho, San,â she recites, âyouâre with me in that order.âÂ
You run through the names on your slip, âHongjoong, Seonghwa, Mingi, Yunho, that leaves you with me.âÂ
Iseul nods as you finish your words, âPlease be ready to slot in when the person in front of you is finished, and then you can go directly to wardrobe for your soundcheck outfits,âÂ
âWeâve got it,â Hongjoong nods, âand if thereâs anything you both need,âÂ
âWeâll be fine,â Iseul assures him, âbut itâs definitely going to be cutting it close,âÂ
âWe should get started,â You cut in, âif youâre ready?âÂ
Hongjoong jumps to your chair immediately and Wooyoung steps to Iseulâs, and before you know it youâre off.Â
The room is alight with activity while you both work, only you donât have a relaxed pace and only two members to perfect. Youâre used to working with Wooyoung and Seonghwa, theyâve been your assigned members for as long as youâve worked with Ateez, but when staff shortages or timing gets tight, it can be a bit of a free for all.Â
You stay focused and execute each memberâs makeup like a well rehearsed dance, and you do your best to ignore the buzzing anxiety in your veins. For a little while, you handle it like a professional.Â
When Yunho finally settles into your chair, about a single second after Mingi leaves it, the exhaustion careens back into you sideways. It takes you a minute to prep your tools this time, and youâre pretty sure that without the artificial pick me up of the energy drinks youâd be passing out on the spot.Â
You steady your hands against the vanity in front of you and take a deep breath, and when you look up you catch Yunhoâs eyes in the mirror, a tiny crease of concern between his brows.Â
âYou okay?â He checks.Â
You give him a smile, albeit a tired one, âThe jet lag is really hitting this time,â you explain, âbut Iâm fine,âÂ
He looks sympathetic immediately, âSame for me, I feel like Iâm barely sleeping,âÂ
âThatâs not good,â You tell him as you prep your stainless steel palette, âyou have a long night ahead,âÂ
âIâll sleep tonight,â He says, âIâm sure,âÂ
âAfter dancing for three hours Iâd hope so,â You smile and pick up your first set of tools before turning towards him.Â
âDo you have anything you could take?â He asks, studying your face, âA sleep aid?âÂ
âI usually donât like to,â You admit, âI always feel groggy the next day,âÂ
âAnd we have another show,â He finishes for you, his lips coming together in a thin line as he thinks.Â
Thereâs nothing really for him to do, but itâs kind of him anyway to be so concerned. They always are, this rare group of eight idols who remember staff birthdays, bring coffee on the early morning schedules, and always, always take extra time to clean up after themselves so itâs not left to anyone else.Â
You take a step closer towards him and glance over his bare face and then it occurs to you, âYou know whatâs funny?âÂ
âHmm?â He tilts his face up to you.Â
âI donât think Iâve ever done your makeup before,â You smile, itâs a ridiculous thought.Â
âNo way,â He blinks, thinking back, âitâs been⊠forever, are you sure?âÂ
You nod, âYouâre usually with Eunji,â you tell him, âand even when weâve swapped around, I donât think so. I think youâre the only member Iâve never done,âÂ
âWow,â He laughs, eyes bright, âwell, I guess thereâs a first time for everything.âÂ
âIs there anything,â You start to ask him if thereâs anything he prefers, anything special about his makeup that he gets done with Eunji that he asks for, but Iseul catches you idle as she pats foundation onto Sanâs forehead and answers for you.Â
âHis skin gets dry,â She jumps in, âdonât use too much powder,âÂ
Yunho grins, a laugh on his lips at the directness of her words.Â
âAnd donât use that oil,â Iseul adds, âthat primer oil you like, heâll break out by tomorrow,âÂ
âThank you, Iseul,â Yunho says, and you watch Sanâs face as he stifles a chuckle.Â
âNoted,â You smile, and you swap out two of the products in your hands before taking up your position by his side again.Â
Youâve gotten used to working with idols, to working with Ateez and with Yunho specifically, and yet when you get this close a little flutter of nerves rocks through your belly. Heâs handsome, and if youâre being honest heâs just your type. Maybe itâs the exhaustion, or this weird feeling in your chest that youâve been dealing with all week, but for the first time in a long time you think about what it would be like to kiss his lips.Â
âHow do you want me?â He asks, breaking your thoughts, and you have to shake off the impending blush at the way his words make you feel. You have work to do, and you had gotten over your silly little crush on him years ago, you need to get a grip.Â
You recover fairly smoothly though with a quick smile, âRight,â heâs never worked with you before, and heâs looking to you for direction, âhead back a bit, please, and eyes closed,âÂ
âAlright,â He follows your instructions to the letter.Â
âOkay,â You tell him, âprimer first. Let me know if anything bothers you,âÂ
âMhm,â He hums and stays relaxed.Â
He has the loveliest eyelashes, thatâs the thought that echoes through your brain as you start working on him, and you wish it never occurred to you at all because you keep glancing up at his closed eyes. He lets you work, he knows youâre exhausted so he doesnât push you for conversation, and youâre strangely grateful. You know heâs chatty sometimes in the chair, an extrovert through and through and always keeping Eunji company or talking with the member beside him, but right now he keeps still and gives you respite on a hard day.Â
Youâre patting foundation into his skin with a large paddle brush when Iseul interrupts your thoughts, âDo you have that eggplant liner?âÂ
âCheck my table,â You offer, but with how sluggish your brain is feeling thereâs no way you remember a single thing on your station without looking.
âMm,â She pivots around and pokes through the products and tools behind you, and you glance over as San opens his eyes to watch Iseul rifle through things.Â
âDamn,â She mutters, âhow much time do we have?âÂ
âUm,â You glance down at your watch, âtwenty?âÂ
âPerfect,â She scoots behind you and disappears into the hall, no doubt to find your traveling makeup case and the liner.Â
You sigh, chewing the inside of your lip at the idea that you only have twenty more minutes, but you really donât want to rush and have his makeup melt off on-stage.Â
âYouâre fine,â San assures, his body angled towards you and Yunho now while he waits, âdonât worry about the clock,â
Yunho hums his agreement from below you, âPlenty of time,â
You refocus on Yunhoâs skin and notice a long black and white hair from the paddle brush affixed to his cheek, mixed in with the foundation. You take the brush again, wiping off any excess foundation and checking to see if more fibers are loose, and then you work the brush against his cheek in an attempt to free the loose hair but it isnât coming off easily. Every attempt you make just slides the hair into a different spot on his cheek and covers it with more foundation.Â
âUm,â You usually donât like to do this, but you might have to, âcan I justâŠâ
His eyes open but his expression stays smooth, âCan you?âÂ
âSorry,â You shake your head, âdo you mind if I touch you?âÂ
âYou already are,â He smiles, a small, amused crease between his brows youâll have to pat out momentarily.Â
You tuck your brush away and gesture with your hand, âYou just have a hair,âÂ
âOh,â He laughs, âof course, yeah,âÂ
Youâre just supposed to touch his cheek, brush away the hair with the pad of your finger and then get back to work, thatâs all it is, so youâre completely unprepared for the feeling that rockets through your chest when your skin finally touches his.Â
Yunho gasps softly as your fingers brush over his cheek, his eyes blowing wide and his expression blanking, and itâs the only indication you have that he feels something too. A tightness wrenches in your chest, like someone pressed something hot and hard directly into your breastbone and your stomach does a somersault. Your ears are ringing, and youâre pretty sure your heart is about to beat out of your chest now that itâs started up again.Â
The tattoo on your chest feels warm beneath your blouse.Â
âYou,â Yunho manages, his voice shaky and you know for sure he felt it too.Â
You rock back a step, âI donât understand,âÂ
âShit,â Someone else says, and then you realize that itâs San and youâre not alone with the only other person in the entire world, youâre in the middle of work in front of at least one other person and itâs only your existence that just got tilted on its axis. Yours and maybe Yunhoâs.Â
âOh,â You glance to the side, taking in Sanâs wide eyed expression, âoh my God,âÂ
âIâm not insane, am I?â Yunho smiles, his focus entirely on you, and you think you might just pass out, âYou felt that?âÂ
Thereâs a noise in the hall and San scrambles up to his feet, âIseul,â he says heading for the door, âdo you need help looking?âÂ
Heâs covering for you both, but thoughts are slow to form and all you can manage is blinking at the man in your chair.Â
âYou did, right?â He asks again, eyes soft and hopeful, and then his fingers brush over the center of his chest. Squarely over his breastbone.
Heâs yours.Â
You want to reach out and yank up his shirt, check the tattoo over his heart to see if itâs the same looping knot shape as yours, but you donât need to see it to know for sure. Itâs him.Â
San says something about forgetting the liner altogether, a little louder so you both know the room is going to get crowded again, and you shake your head to jolt yourself out of your paralyzed position.Â
âYou didnât?â His hand falls.Â
âI did,â You rush to correct, âIâm, I donât know,âÂ
He nods, wetting his lips and shifting in his chair. He moves to reach for you, but reason and sense click back into place immediately and you realize that no matter what your tattoo feels like and no matter what this means, youâre at work and about to have a very private moment in a very public place if youâre not careful.Â
You shake your head with a glance at his hand and jerk your head towards the door, âLater,âÂ
âRight,â He leans back from you, âof course, right,âÂ
Footsteps to your right draw your attention and Iseul is huffing, checking her own watch, âWeâll do brown,âÂ
âThatâll be fine,â San assures her, but his eyes are glued on the pair of you.Â
Iseul moves to step around you again and realizes youâre just standing there, âWhatâs with you?âÂ
âSorry,â You manage, blinking hard and refocusing, âI just got dizzy,âÂ
Itâs not entirely a lie, given that you felt the entire earth shift under your feet thirty seconds ago and your life is completely changed. Dizzy is the least of how youâre feeling.Â
Yunhoâs expression shifts immediately, concern across his face, and he curls his fingers into his palms to keep himself from reaching out again, from being too familiar.Â
âOh,â Her eyebrows raise high, âdo you need me to finish Yunho?â
âN-no,â You take a breath, âjust give me one second,âÂ
âAre you sure youâre alright?â Yunho asks, and in the back of your brain you wonder if his voice has always sounded this good.Â
âHere,â San cuts in smoothly, cracking the seal on a fresh water bottle and passing it over to you, âdo you need to sit a minute?âÂ
Sanâs hand rests on your upper back between your shoulders as you take a long sip of water, the cold shocking your brain back to reality in exactly the way you need.Â
âThank you,â You tell him honestly, âI think Iâm okay, just a headrush,âÂ
San nods, and when you refocus your eyes on Yunho, you almost laugh. His gaze is squarely on Sanâs hand where it sits on your back, and you watch the fast, silent exchange between the two men when San drops his hand and Yunho realizes his own reaction. He blushes, ears running red and he dips his head to avoid both your eyes.Â
âIseul,â San steps around you both and distracts your friend, âready to wrap?âÂ
âYeah,â She agrees, âletâs finish up. Youâre sure youâre okay, y/n?âÂ
âMhm,â You hardly trust your own voice, but you nod anyway, âIâm good now.âÂ
Yunho tilts his face back up as you step close, and the tension between you is so palpable and so familiar that you can hardly breathe. Your tattoo feels warm and heavy and something tells you that his does too, you can see it in the tenderness of his brown eyes.Â
âDizzy?â He asks quietly, keeping his words just for you.Â
You shake your head, âNo,â
âThatâs good,â He murmurs, but he lets whatever words he wants to say rest on his tongue.Â
Your tattoo throbs and you donât dare touch his bare skin again.Â
His makeup takes fifteen more minutes and his eyes donât stray from your face the entire time. You barely finish on time, and wardrobe is standing by to get them into their first outfits of the night, so when you put the final touches on heâs already being pulled out of the chair before you have a chance to say anything.Â
You want to corner him and ask him exactly when heâll have time to talk later, but despite working together for the last few years, you and Yunho arenât that close. Youâre friendly, but youâre not familiar enough to casually ask what heâs doing later and not have it seem strange. While friendships between staff members and idols are not discouraged, even between the opposite sex, being overly familiar or suggestive would certainly leave a question in everyoneâs minds, and you donât want to draw attention to yourself that quickly.Â
This is between you and Yunho, no one else. You donât want an audience for this.Â
So he goes, pulled away by wardrobe and his other members, fitted quickly into his Soundcheck outfit. He has his game face on, so do all the members, and you watch him disappear down the hall without a second glance back at you.Â
You collapse into the couch and press your eyes closed, focusing on the singular feeling of heat and soreness from your chest.
A soulmate.Â
The tattoo on your chest was one you barely looked at anymore, too focused on living your life to sit in the mirror and wonder about the person who would be your other half, the person that would slot into the gaps in your spirit with a simple brush of skin on skin. But now, it aches. It pulses to remind you that itâs real and that youâve found him.Â
Everything in your life is about to change. Has already changed.
On the couch you donât sleep as much as you disassociate, still stunned, your buzzing brain filtering out everything Iseul says as she cleans up around you and preps both of your brush belts for touch ups. Thereâs such a small amount of time between Soundcheck and the concert that you barely get to process, you just exist, playing the moment you touched him over again and again in your mind. Despite how utterly changed you feel, the world is just continuing on around you like a regular day.
Once again, you and Yunho miss each other for every brief moment between Soundcheck and stage.
The shift happens in the wings, in the underbelly of the stage where you and the other staff members for hair, makeup, and wardrobe wait for any last minute quick fixes. The eight of them are almost ready, pumping themselves up between rows of technical equipment and stage scaffolding.Â
Thereâs so much commotion around you and yet your eyes are drawn to him like a magnet, the feelings you once had for him coming back to you full force in a blurry torrent.Â
He shifts, stretches, swallows hard, and then looks up directly into your eyes. Thereâs a question in them that you canât read, but you manage to smile.Â
His shoulders relax just a little.Â
You raise your fist, giving him the gesture for âfightingâ and he returns it with a wide grin.Â
âAlright,â Hongjoongâs voice cuts through, the final step of their pre-show ritual as the concert hall starts to roar, âhuddle up.âÂ
The eight of them circle up with each other, one leg in and one out.Â
âWeâve practiced hard,â Hongjoong starts, patting his members on the back, âlet that practice pay off, and have fun out there,âÂ
âOkay!â San hypes them up, getting the tension high.Â
âLetâs give it our all,â Hongjoong continues, a wide smile on his face, âfighting!â
They echo it back, and a tense feeling starts to roll in your gut.Â
âAlright, one,â Hongjoong starts the count and you feel the tension in your own body rising, enough to make you take a soft step back from the group, âtwo,âÂ
On three they chorus it, moving their feet in a synchronized step, âEight makes one team! Fighting!âÂ
They break apart, clapping each other on the back, and your eyes meet Yunhoâs for one more fast second before heâs jogging after the rest of the members and finding his mark on the stage risers.Â
You feel the sensation of his eyes on you even after heâs gone. You have the length of four songs and their opening ments before members start swapping out on stage for makeup touch-ups and technical adjustments. The sound of the audience is intense, the start of the first song keying up, and you stumble back from your post to get a breath of air away from it all.Â
Thereâs a bathroom along the hallway two doors down from the green room thatâs meant for staff and you blissfully find it empty. With shaking hands you flip the lock and sink down into a crouch, your back braced against the wall as you breathe through the sudden wave of feelings filling your chest.Â
Adrenaline, thatâs what the bitter taste on your tongue is.Â
Your heart is thumping, double time like youâre running a marathon, and then you realize it. You can feel him, even now with the bond between you unfulfilled you can feel his emotions coming to you like a wave. Adrenaline, anxiety, euphoria, exhaustion, it all roils through you and you brace your hands on the wall to get your composure back.Â
They say the first time you feel your soulmate link it takes you by surprise, but this is an intensity you couldnât have imagined. Itâs all encompassing and honestly terrifying, and youâre struggling to understand which parts of you are you and which are him. You canât conceive of how an accepted bond would make this feeling stronger when it already feels like your emotions and his are knit together so tightly.Â
Anxiety strikes down the link and you realize itâs not stage fright, itâs for you. He can feel your panic and your fear just like you can feel every ounce of his performance and if you donât get yourself in check youâre going to be distracting him even more than you already are.Â
You yank yourself up off the floor and collapse against the sink, turning on the cold water tap and taking slow and steadying breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Counting slowly, relaxing your body with every pulse of oxygen through your system. You hope he can feel it, but you have no idea how this all really works. Youâll have to call your sister when this is all said and done, find out what she felt when she met her wife, but right now in this bathroom in Berlin you have to do this by yourself.Â
You hear the pulse of another song thrumming through the stadium as they keep performing, and you feel the thundering beat of his heart in your chest, but you breathe into it this time and try to keep yourself calm for his sake. You splash cold water on your face, keep breathing low and slow, and eventually you pull yourself back up to standing tall to look at yourself in the mirror.Â
You look the same as you did a few hours ago, before him, but the warmth in your chest is still present and you wonder if that will ever go away or if thatâs just a permanent part of the link.Â
With shaky hands you unbutton your blouse and pull your bralette down in the center to reveal what you already know is there. Your breath catches in your throat at the sight.Â
The tattoo nestled at the base of your sternum is the only one you were born with. Every other line of ink on your body was put there with intention, but this one youâve had for as long as you can remember. The maedeup knot is small, but intricate, and until this moment it had always been colorless. Loops of black and gray twining together to make a rounded diamond, unbroken with no beginning or end to the threads.Â
Now the ink has changed, a deep red against your skin that makes the knotted josephin soulmark look even more traditional, but the skin is slightly inflamed, tender to the touch as you brush your fingertips along it. It feels like a fresh mark, not something youâve had since birth, but considering how itâs changed, maybe it is new. A soulmark shifting color is common, you know that, but it still stands out so starkly against your skin and your other black tattoos. You canât look away from it.Â
A pounding on the bathroom door makes you jump and you fix your shirt, covering the mark back up and buttoning it away. You wonder if Yunhoâs mark is the exact same like other couples you know and if it too turned red, if itâs warm to the touch, if he felt you brush against your mark through the link.Â
ây/n?â A voice comes through the door and you shut off the tap.Â
âComing!â You wipe the excess water on your hands onto your jeans and take one last, fast look to make sure your mark isnât visible, before opening the bathroom door.Â
Wonshik, one of their many managers, is waiting for you on the other side. His eyes narrow when he sees you, âAre you ill?âÂ
âNo,â You assure him.Â
âYouâre sure?â He presses, âWe canât afford to lose any more staff or risk getting the members sick if you are,âÂ
âI know, Wonshik,â You nod, âI promise Iâm just tired, jet-lagged. I was putting cold water on my face, thatâs all. Iâm not sick,âÂ
He exhales in relief, his expression softening, âThank God,â he says, âI can only take so many surprises.âÂ
A little sickness is nothing compared to a staff member and an idol under a dating ban being soulmarked, but you hold your tongue.Â
âTheyâre about to come off,â He says, âIseul was looking for you, she seems like she might start climbing the walls if you donât get back to help her,âÂ
âNo, of course,â You start back towards the side stage entrance, âI lost track of time, but it wonât happen again,âÂ
âMake sure you sleep tonight,â He adds, following you closely, âno sleep means no immune system, and no immune system means sick.âÂ
âDonât worry,â You promise, winding your way through the dark backstage, âyou wonât lose me,âÂ
âI better not,â He sighs, and then Iseul comes into sight.Â
âThere you are!â She hisses low under her breath, âI was about to have a panic attack,âÂ
âIâm sorry, Iâm here, Iâm good,â In the commotion, your brain starts to ease into normalcy. Youâre used to this pace, the speed of lightning fast makeup touch-ups and assisting wardrobe when things start to go awry with their quick changes. The audience feels none of this, they just see smooth change-outs on stage and cool idols in new clothes, but backstage is a wild flurry and it always puts you on an entirely different plane of focus.Â
âHere we go,â A stage director starts, gathering everyoneâs attention, âfour minutes⊠startingâŠâÂ
The stage goes dark and in the venue a video starts to play to the crowd to fill the space between costume changes. You prep your hands, making sure your kit is ready to go and you see the wardrobe specialists out of the corner of your eye readying themselves to help facilitate the quick change.Â
Suddenly theyâre here, and the stage director interrupts once more, âNow, four minutes people, letâs go.âÂ
âMingi,â He gets to you first and he crouches down to drop his face to your height, âstay still one second,âÂ
He says nothing, but he nods as you pat powder across his forehead and the bridge of his nose, checking him over for any other defects. He looks good and you nod, âGo, go,âÂ
Mingi peels off to the left of you and you hear the sound of fabric swishing as he and Wooyoung rip off the top layer of their outfits behind the privacy screens and trade garments with the wardrobe team. Itâs a fast shuffle, but you stay focused on whoâs in front of you.Â
âSeonghwa,â You wave to him, pulling blotting tissues out of the pack on your belt, âhere,âÂ
He knows this drill well, youâre used to working with him and you have a clean routine down. He blots the sweat off his brow himself and starts to unbutton his jacket while you shift focus to Yunho.Â
For a split second you almost forget what happened earlier in the buzz of backstage, but the minute your eyes hold on his awareness floods you.Â
âHey,â You say, but thereâs a time clock shout behind you and you beckon him down, âcome here, let me fix things,â
He drops down to your height just like Mingi did and stays steady while you work, but his eyes flick up, âYouâre okay?âÂ
âIâm good,â You nod, âdonât worry,âÂ
His expression clears a little and you guess you have your answer about the feeling of the link going both ways.Â
Hongjoong clears his throat behind you both, âWeâre short on time,âÂ
âAm I good?â Yunho checks.Â
Your eyes flick over him fast, âYep,âÂ
Heâs out of your eyeline a split second later, and youâre grateful for the distraction of both Hongjoong and Seonghwa, otherwise youâre sure youâd dwell a little bit too long on the fact that Yunhoâs half naked next to you, privacy screen or no.Â
âOne minute,â The stage director announces, âeveryoneâs doing great,âÂ
The boys are almost done, flying through the last of their zips and getting their hair smoothed down by that team as they finish. You put the last pat of powder on Seonghwaâs nose and give him a nod before heâs gone too, dropping his jacket as he goes and giving you all a quick flash of his bare back.Â
You turn back towards the group as they prepare and your eyes zero in on Yunho again. His expression is serious, itâs his game face before he gets back out on stage, and you watch as he corrects the placement of his in-ears and ensures that his mic pack is secured. He runs through his pre-stage ritual and you canât help but be a captive audience.Â
âGood work,â The stage director says as Seonghwa rejoins the eight, fully dressed and ready for stage, âfifteen seconds for act two,âÂ
The crowd heats up again as the video starts to fade, and the members do their final checks. Yunho doesnât look back at you once, his eyes forward and focused as he and the other members find their places on the rising platform that will take them back out to the main stage.Â
You can see him a little though, in the low light in his white trousers and blue satin shirt. He lifts his hand, adjusting his microphone once again, and then as he drops it back to his side he lets his fingers skim over the familiar hollow of his chest.Â
Your mark warms, you feel it as if it were your chest he brushed his fingers over, and your breath stops.Â
The platform rises, the crowd roars, and your heart starts beating to a new rhythm.Â
He really is yours.Â
It turns out that later means much later.Â
You manage to get out of dinner with some of the other staff members, but that just leaves you anxious and alone in a hotel room trying and failing to eat room service. Iseul would be back soon to take up her place in the other bed, and youâre starting to realize that you donât have Yunhoâs number.Â
Now that emotions are a little smoother, you canât feel him. Or maybe you can, but itâs so faint that youâre not sure. All you know is that heâs definitely in the hotel, but thatâs partially the solid feeling of your link with him and partially the YouTube live being broadcast from Seonghwaâs room where all of the members are.Â
You put the live on and watch, feeling strangely disconnected from the men on screen. Youâve known them for years, but suddenly with this new truth everything feels foreign and confusing.Â
You should call your sister, but itâs only six in the morning in Korea and even though this is an emergency of life altering and epic proportions, you canât bring yourself to wake her on a Saturday.Â
You try your best to eat the pasta you ordered and watch as the live eventually ends. Your phone dings and for a split second you think it will be him, but itâs just Iseul telling you sheâs heading back to the hotel.Â
A soft knock at the door makes your stomach lurch.Â
Youâre frozen.Â
Thereâs another knock, a little firmer this time but then you feel the warm touch against your mark and youâre on your feet, your hand on the door handle before you can think.Â
He looks tired, thatâs your first thought. His face is bare again, and his eyes are rimmed in a little bit of red like he just removed the dayâs stage makeup. Despite all that, he smiles when he sees you and sighs, leaning against the door frame, âYouâre awake,â he says.Â
âI waited,â You manage.Â
He grimaces, âIâm sorry, I didnât mean to,â his eyes flick behind you into the room and he swallows, âare you alone?âÂ
âYes,â You nod, âbut not for long, Iseulâs on her way,âÂ
He nods, âCome to my room?âÂ
âAre you sure?â Your eyes widen.Â
âWe need to talk,â He nods, âcan you get away for a little while?âÂ
Iseul will probably expect you to be asleep, but you canât let this go until morning. If youâre ever going to sleep you need to talk to him now.Â
âIâll think of something,â You tell him, âwhat room?âÂ
â2606,â He answers, reaching into his pockets and producing an envelope from the front desk, âtake this,âÂ
He passes you one of his room keys and you nod, âIâll be up in five minutes, but you should go,âÂ
âOkay,â He breathes and neither one of you makes a single move to step away from the door until a sound down the hallway pushes you into it.Â
â2606,â You repeat and he nods, swiftly moving down the hall before anyone can see him standing at your door.Â
You have no idea what youâre going to tell Iseul that would make sense, but you donât care. You stack up your room service for collection, kick on a pair of slippers, and give yourself the fastest look in the mirror ever on your way out the door. You want to be gone before she gets back, the idea of facing her and lying ten times more difficult than an empty text.Â
No problem - I canât sleep, Iâm just going to walk a bit. Donât wait up.
You donât stick around to see if sheâll believe it.Â
You try to seem casual when walking to Yunhoâs room, like it's yours. You donât want anyone to give you a second glance and wonder where youâre going, so you keep your head up, smile at anyone you pass, and when his door comes into view you scan the card like itâs any other day.Â
When the heavy door shuts behind you, you sigh.Â
âGod, finally,â His voice startles you, and you look up to see him pacing, âIâve been going insane all day,âÂ
Your shoulders drop, you arenât alone, âMe too,â
He runs a hand through his black hair and finally stops pacing, but doesnât come any closer, âSo, this is real?âÂ
âIt feels pretty real,âÂ
âHow did we never feel it?â He manages, âIâve known you for years,âÂ
âWeâve never touched until today,â You tell him, and that has to be the reason, itâs the only thing that makes sense. Youâve been turning it over in your mind all night, and with the exception of bumping into him last week in the hall, itâs all been polite bows and waves.Â
âHow is that even possible,â He breathes, âteam dinners? Holiday parties? Work?âÂ
âSkin to skin,â You murmur, âI think thatâs what it was,âÂ
âI had no idea,â He swallows, gesturing in the negative space between your bodies, âI always liked you, but I thought it was just, you know, a crush,âÂ
âYou what?â Your eyebrows raise.Â
âWell,â He backtracks, ânot like that, itâs not like Iâve been holding a candle.âÂ
Your face stays neutral, but he grimaces at his own words.Â
âIâm fucking this up,â He takes a deep breath, âIâm sorry, Iâm really nervous.âÂ
Your stomach warms, âYunho, itâs okay, honestly,âÂ
âI just meant Iâve always liked you, I thought about asking you out when our contracts loosened up if you were still single.â He clarifies and then you watch his face blanch, âYou are single, arenât you?âÂ
âYes,â You nod, âwe donât have to worry about that,âÂ
He nods and you see him searching for the next thing to say, the right thing.Â
âYour mark,â You cut in, taking a few steps further into the room, âdid it change?âÂ
âCompletely,â He nods, âdid yours?âÂ
âYeah,â You wonder the right way to ask him if you can see.Â
âDoes it feel,â He starts.
âWarm?âÂ
âYes,â He nods, âand tender?âÂ
âLike a fresh tattoo,â You take another step in.Â
âIâve never gotten a tattoo,â He confesses, âbut Iâll take your word for it,âÂ
âCan I,â The words are stuck on your tongue, âmaybe this is weird, but I mean, I guess weâre soulmates,âÂ
âYou want to see it?â He surmises.Â
âOnly if youâre comfortable,âÂ
His lips quirk, âIâm comfortable,â
Heat twists in your gut and you wonder if he can feel that too. If he does he doesnât say it, but you watch as he pulls the black t-shirt off over his head.Â
Youâve never seen his chest. Any inch of his skin except for his neck and arms really, and you guess that was part of keeping his soulmark covered. Idols always do, even when theyâre in the most inconvenient locations, thereâs always makeup or flesh colored tape or editing to take care of it. The idea that someone could replicate it and try to fake a connection is far too real for someone famous.Â
He drops his shirt onto the bed and pink tinges his cheeks as he gestures towards it, âWell,âÂ
Your mouth drops, itâs the exact same, down to the size and the placement and every little loop and you stumble forwards to get a better look, âYunho,âÂ
âYeah?âÂ
âHas yours always been red?â You reach out, your fingertips hovering just over it.Â
He shakes his head, âNot before today,âÂ
âMineâs the same,â You tell him, your eyes glued to his sternum, âjust the same,âÂ
You know every centimeter of this tattoo. Youâve studied it a thousand times in the mirror, tracing over every curve with your eyes, trying to find the place where the cord starts and ends. He sucks in a sharp breath as your fingers brush gently along his mark, and you feel the ghost of the sensation against your own.Â
âI canât believe we never knew,â You murmur, sliding your finger along each rounded edge.Â
âYou feel that?â He asks, âRight?âÂ
Youâre nodding and moving to tug off your sweater before you can even think it through. He starts to shake his head, to say that you donât have to, but youâre already tossing the sweater next to his discarded shirt and tugging down the front band of your bralette so he can see the whole mark.Â
His eyes flick over you fast, but with the matching mark in front of him he doesnât focus on anything else, âItâs exactly the same,âÂ
âI know,â You reach for his hand, but the minute more of your skin connects with his you feel your chest throb and you drop it like it burns you.Â
He winces, touching his chest again, âIs it supposed to hurt?âÂ
âIn the beginning,â You nod, âI think?âÂ
âDoes it always feel like that?âÂ
âIâm not sure,â You admit, âI was going to call my sister and ask, but itâs too early at home,âÂ
He smiles, âYour sister found her soulmate?âÂ
âIn highschool,â You smile back, âtheyâve been bonded together since they were eighteen,âÂ
âOlder or younger?â He asks, and you realize just how little you know about each other despite how long youâve worked alongside him.Â
âYounger,â You say. Â
âI have a little brother,â He replies, âbut heâs still in school,âÂ
You nod, painfully aware that this is such a strange conversation to have with your shirts off just standing in the middle of a hotel room, but somehow itâs easier than any date youâve ever had.Â
Your eyes flick from his eyes to his mark and he reaches out a hand again, âCan I?âÂ
Your heart quickens and you nod.Â
His fingertips graze over the edge of your mark, mimicking your touch from before, sliding along the edges of the tattoo. His eyes widen and you know heâs feeling the sensation in his own mark, a mirror image of each other.Â
âThis doesnât hurt,â He observes, letting his fingers linger.Â
âI think we have to get used to each other,â You remember that fact from somewhere, âthe link has been dormant for a long time, I think it takes a minute to get used to having it,âÂ
âMakes sense,â He murmurs, his eyes still squarely on your mark, âIâll be honest though, I still really want to touch you,âÂ
âYeah?â Your voice is thready.Â
His fingers fall away and he nods, âDonât you?âÂ
âYes,â You agree, painfully quickly.Â
He swallows tightly and takes the smallest step forwards, before offering out his hand, palm up and waiting for you.
Your eyes flick from his face down to his outstretched hand, and you reach for him slowly. You let your fingertips skate over the skin of his palm, down each digit, ghost the pads of your fingertips together. Itâs warm, sharp and dizzying even just to brush against each other.Â
You wonder what more will feel like.Â
âCan I try something?â He murmurs, his voice nearly a whisper even though youâre all alone.Â
You nod.Â
He wets his lips unconsciously and moves a little closer, your bodies now only inches apart. Anxiety, anticipation, thrill, it all runs through your gut like a whirling wind and you shiver at the torrent of his emotions, a grin breaking out over your face.Â
His smile mirrors yours, âYour heartâs beating a mile a minute,âÂ
âYou can feel that?âÂ
âYeah,â He breathes, grin widening, âthis is crazy,âÂ
You laugh, a little nervous, a little elated, and he finally reaches out his hands.Â
He takes a steadying breath, and then his fingertips brush along your jaw.Â
You suck in a sharp gasp at the sensation, electric and hot, the feeling rocketing through your entire body. You tilt your face up to his as he continues his gentle touches, your eyes watching him as he studies you. His plush lips are parted, brown eyes wide with awe as he grows a little bolder to brush over your cheeks, down your throat, and back up to your jawline.Â
âFeel alright?â He murmurs.Â
You nod into his touch and he starts to lift off but you reach for him, âDonât stop,âÂ
Your hands land safely on his hips, still covered by his sweatpants and you watch him swallow again at the sudden contact, his Adamâs apple bobbing in his throat. Warmth fills the bond, no doubt the first threads of his arousal, and you wonder if he can feel your own. If he can sense how much heâs affecting you with just his fingertips on your face.Â
His hands settle back on your skin, this time smoothing across you with his palms, one hand cupping your cheek and the other sliding over your shoulder and down your bare back.Â
You can barely breathe, the room so silent and around you, like the only thing in the universe that exists is the two of you orbiting each other, standing at the precipice of something so catastrophic and wonderful.Â
Your hands adjust, resting on his taut abdomen as you move a little closer together, and his eyes flutter shut as he breathes through the sensation of your hands on him properly for the first time.Â
âYouâre so warm,â You murmur, your hands softly tracing his abdominal muscles, instinct guiding you to touch more of him, seek out every inch of him as you unconsciously make a map of his body in your mind.Â
He hums pleasantly, eyes reopening, âSo are you,âÂ
He feels so right, so essential under your touch.Â
Yunho wets his lips softly with his tongue, and a nervous thrill passes through your belly. His eyes flick over you, the pad of his thumb sweeping a line over your lips. You suppress a needy sound, still trying to keep your head amidst the thrumming emotions and steady thumps of your heart.Â
He doesnât stop, just stroking your skin slowly, fingers on your back pressing just a little as he sighs.Â
âYunho,â You shiver.Â
âCold?â He gravitates a little closer.Â
âN-no,â Your body is all but pressed flush against him now, and you have to lean your face up even more just to see him as he stands tall over you.Â
âIâŠâ He starts to say something but lets the words die off, like heâs thinking something through, but then he sighs, âforget it,âÂ
His lips are on yours.Â
Yunho lifts you, wrapping his arms around your back and tugging you up into his embrace. You gasp against his mouth, finding his shoulders to hold onto as one of his arms bands around your lower back.Â
The kiss is shattering, the world tilting once again, a new frequency humming between your two bodies. Itâs hot, your skin buzzing from the contact, but the way you move together is fluid and easy. Your legs part naturally, settling around his hips and his free hand finds your plush thigh as he tugs you into place, slotting your bodies together like they were always meant to be.Â
âIâm sorry,â He mumbles against your lips when he draws in a quick breath, but he doesnât stop kissing you. His nose nuzzles against yours, and his lips part at the same moment yours do, tongues meeting in the space between your mouths to flick against each other.Â
âDonât,â You push closer to him, fingers knotting into the back of his hair as you kiss him back.Â
He hums, the hand on your thigh sliding up to cup your ass and you shiver as his wide hand stretches across your backside, squeezing your pillowy flesh.Â
A tiny whimper does leave you then, liquid heat spreading through your body, the combined sensation of both your arousals giving you a headrush.Â
âSo beautiful,â He sighs between kisses, âyouâre so beautiful,âÂ
âYunho,â Your voice is thready, his name a stretched out sound.Â
He holds you close, nearly stumbling as he moves. You blink your eyes open just as he spins you both, pushing you up against the hotel wall and pinning you in place with the weight of his body. You should slow things down, but nothing in your life has ever felt this good and you find yourself diving back to meet his kiss again.Â
 His arm slides out from behind your back as he pushes closer, your body fully supported by the flat of the wall behind you and his hips under yours and one hand firmly anchored on your ass. With his arm free he cups your cheek, a pleased sound on his lips as he dips you back into the wall and deepens the kiss.Â
Heat blooms through you, your kisses getting needier, artless and desperate just to get a little closer together. The kind of kissing that sounds as messy as it is, tiny pants and moans muffled between you, skin on skin, tongue on tongue.Â
âGod,â He shudders, his lips breaking away, but his eyes only flick over you for a second before he dives back in. This time his lips travel, hot kisses across your jaw and back to the hollow of your ear, down your throat as he holds you a little higher on the wall for the right access.Â
You grip his shoulders with one hand and lock your fingers in his mess of black hair with the other, your head falling back against the wall. He pants against your throat, a soft groan as he kisses, and your stomach tightens pleasantly.Â
âY-Yunho,â You gasp, arousal rolling through you, and unconsciously you rock your hips, desperately seeking some kind of friction.Â
He hums low in his throat, kissing back up your neck fast to get to your lips again and his hand slides off your cheek as he crowds you tighter, bracing himself against the wall above your head. His abdomen presses against your core, and even through layers of fabric you feel his heat. Hungrily, you roll your hips again and catch a little pressure, moaning in earnest against his mouth.Â
Yunho makes a tight sound and then he breaks the kiss, his forehead pressing hard against yours as he takes in slow breaths, his body all but trembling with need as he holds you.Â
âWe need to slow down,â He manages.Â
You canât find words, not yet, but you nod against him.Â
âYou deserve better,â He says, âdates, presents,âÂ
You laugh softly, your hand in his hair softening from a grip to a gentle hold, carding through the long locks at the base of his neck, âI donât need all that,â Â
He smiles wide, brushing off your words, âStill,â He sighs, still recovering from the heated make out, âI think I have more self control than fulfilling our bond by fucking you into the wall,âÂ
Reality bleeds back in at that. Soulmarks were just that, indicator marks. A way to find your person amidst a sea of thousands, if not millions. All the shared sensation and emotion a precursor to something more permanent and binding, something only sealed together by sex.Â
You lift your head up, and he leans back to mirror you.Â
âI lost my head there,â You admit, warm blush in your cheeks, âI didnât know it would feel like this,âÂ
He smiles, and you take in his expression. His hair is a mess, mussed and disheveled and his face is pink from his nose down to the dark, well-kissed curve of his lips. His bare chest is flushed bright pink and his eyes are bright and warm. You fight the urge to kiss him again.Â
âMe either,â He shakes his head, âitâs incredible,âÂ
âOverwhelming,â You nod, exhaling softly.Â
He makes a soft sound to agree and then starts to push back from the wall gingerly, letting you slowly unwrap your legs from his waist and ease down to the floor.Â
He lets you go when youâre steady on your feet and clears his throat, adjusting the waistband of his sweatpants and running a hand through his tangled locks. Heâs hard, that much is obvious from the distinct outline of his cock through the gray fabric, but you do your best to look away and not think about how thick and heavy it looked just from kissing you.Â
âJesus,â He adjusts his sweats again, âsorry,âÂ
âItâs fine,â You cup your own cheeks with cool fingers, âI promise youâre not the only one,âÂ
His eyes hold yours for a lengthy beat and then he swallows, taking a wide step back and nodding, âRight,â he shakes his head, âweâre supposed to be slowing down.âÂ
âSlow,â You lean against the wall behind you, crossing your arms over your chest and trying to steady your thumping heart.Â
âIâm going over here,â He grins and walks to the far wall by the door to the bathroom, leaning back and crossing his own arms, âwe really should talk,âÂ
A pulse of anxiety flickers through you, and you realize just how quickly you went from his hotel room door to nearly falling into bed. Heâs handsome, a kind man, your once upon a time crush, and certainly fated to be a good match for you, but that doesnât mean you should throw out good sense and rush things. No matter how much your impulses were screaming at you to do just that.
You try to ignore the fact that thereâs a bed between you, and you nod, âYouâre right,â you finally say, âwe barely know each other,âÂ
Yunhoâs smile fades just a bit, âI wouldnât say that,âÂ
âWeâre coworkers,â The words tumble out, âI know what weâre both feeling, but,âÂ
His brow furrows as he thinks through your words and he shakes his head, ây/n,â he cuts you off, âdo you believe in soulmates?âÂ
âYes, of course,â Even if you hadnât before, the way youâre feeling now would be enough to dispel any skeptic.Â
He takes in a quick breath, the sound sharp as he draws it through his teeth and he cocks his head slightly to the side, âYouâre scared,â he massages the top of his sternum with his fingers, and you recognize your own chest is tight with anxiety, âI can feel it, talk to me.âÂ
The instant vulnerability of the bond is startling, and you can feel your own expression crumble. Itâs suddenly a bit like being an ant caught under a magnifying glass, too much sharp attention all at once and you swallow tightly, eyes flicking away from his tender gaze.Â
ây/n,â He murmurs, âIâm not pushing for more, not tonight,âÂ
âYeah,â Your voice is soft, too quiet for your own liking. Something about the way he sees you so clearly and so quickly makes you feel exposed, nervous and strangely childlike.Â
âHey,â He breaks through your little thought spiral, âlook at me,â
You straighten up again, finding his eyes.Â
âIâm just happy I found you,â He tells you, and you feel the truth of it in your gut, âwe can figure everything else out together, and at our own pace, okay?âÂ
Relief spreads through you, the knot in your chest loosening, âPromise?âÂ
âPromise,â He nods, raising one hand with his pinky extended, âI just want us to try,âÂ
You nod, extending your own pinky to seal it, âMe too.âÂ
He smiles at that, âBarely know each other,â he scolds softly, âIâm offended.âÂ
âOh yeah?â Tension bleeds out of your shoulders.Â
âMhm,â His expression is full of cheek, âIâm the one with a crush, remember? I notice things,âÂ
Your stomach flips pleasantly and your arms relax from their tight position crossed over your chest, âWhat things?âÂ
âLetâs see,â He starts, and for a brief moment you think maybe heâs bluffing, but the moment he starts you melt and he holds your gaze as he warmly recites all the little things heâs noticed about you over the years.Â
âYou only wear silver jewelry,â he notes first, nodding towards you.Â
Your tight hands uncurl.Â
âYou have a ridiculous sweet tooth,â The more he talks the more he relaxes against the far wall, âand you start getting flushed after the second shot of soju, you really are a lightweight,âÂ
âYou always pick a Big Bang song for karaoke, and youâre late to work every Monday,â He laughs a little at that and keeps going, âyou donât wear a lot of color but when you do itâs red. Weâre both from Gwangju but you moved to Seoul when you were five,âÂ
Your heart starts to beat a little faster, warmth filling you again and you donât know if itâs your affection or his anymore, but it hardly matters.Â
âUm,â He takes a deep breath and glances away for a moment and then catches more threads from his memory, âyouâre a Sagittarius, youâre a runner, and the last book I saw you reading was Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982. I bought it, but I havenât had a chance to read it just yet,âÂ
âYunho,â You find yourself smiling, a hand over your surprised lips.Â
âIâm just saying,â He shrugs a little, âwe arenât strangers. I know this is scary and fast and going to change the rest of our lives,âÂ
Elation, pure joy, spills over unfettered from his side of your new emotional tether.Â
âBut I like you,â He confesses, âI have for a while, and this,â he brushes his fingers along his soulmark, âjust changes the timeline.âÂ
Heâs yours.Â
You push off the wall, crossing the room and all but leap back into his embrace, your arms looping around his shoulders again as you push up on tiptoe to kiss his lips.Â
âThis is real,â You murmur.Â
âYes,â He cups your cheeks, nodding as he pecks your lips again.Â
âYouâre mine,âÂ
âYes,â He grins.Â
âOh, this is crazy,â You laugh, forehead against his again.Â
âWeâll go slow,â He assures you again, âweâll figure it out together,âÂ
âTogether,â You nod.Â
He dips low once more, this kiss more tender, and he separates you both before things can heat up again. âHmm,â He glances across the bed and makes a small face at the time displayed on the digital clock, âdid you eat?âÂ
âI tried to,â You confess, âI was nervous,âÂ
âYou need to eat,â He snaps up his black shirt from the bed and slips it back on, and your chest warms. Itâs strangely domestic, strangely commonplace like youâve been in this position a thousand times before.Â
Yunho adjusts his shirt and then kisses your hair as he passes by you, padding over to the hotel microwave and searching through the assorted snacks and instant meals, âItâs too late for room service,âÂ
âIâm okay,â You pull your own sweater back on and sit on the edge of his bed.Â
ây/n,â He glances back, a softly scolding tone.Â
âReally, you need to sleep,â You offer.Â
He dismisses that thought, âBut Iâm hungry, eat with me?âÂ
You concede, and while he starts whipping up two servings of ramen, you wonder if this is what heâs going to be like. It makes sense, heâs always been a caretaking kind of person, but having it so tenderly directed at you feels right.Â
âWhen we get home,â He says as he pours in the spice packets, âIâll take you somewhere nice,âÂ
âThis is nice,â You smile.Â
ây/n,â He sets the ramen on a side table and sits next to you, âthis is cup noodle from a hotel microwave,â
âThe company is nice,â You take the ramen happily though, and tuck into the warm meal.
âIt is,â
âMm, you know,â You slurp back some noodles and softly clear your throat, âyou werenât the only one with a crush,âÂ
He freezes, letting his noodles drop back into his cup, âWhat?âÂ
âIâve always liked you,â Your own confession feels easier after his, âI put it aside since we work together, but I guess, I mean, what Iâm trying to say is that we both felt it before the mark, youâre not alone in that.âÂ
 âI had no idea,âÂ
âIâm very professional,â You tease him lightly.Â
He nudges you and tucks back into his noodles, âHow long?âÂ
âHmm,â You get more comfortable, crossing your legs and scooting back a little onto the mattress, âI thought you were cute when we first met,âÂ
âGod,â He groans, âwe were such kids,âÂ
You nod, swallowing another bite, âMhm, you had that blonde hair,âÂ
He laughs.Â
âI remember thinking, âthat oneâs troubleâ,â You confess.Â
âMe?â His eyebrows perk up, âIâm perfectly nice,âÂ
âTrouble as in youâre my type,â You roll your eyes, âbut I donât think the crush properly came until later. Youâve always made me laugh, and when I realized how I was feeling I just did my best to keep some distance,âÂ
He nods, face getting a little serious, âI know what you mean,âÂ
That knowledge leaves you both a little quiet. The late hour, the adrenaline come down, all of it barrels into you at the same moment as the next anxious thought. How in the world were you both going to navigate this with a contract as tight as theirs and the public eye always watching?Â
âYunho,â You murmur, the last of your noodles left to go cold as you sit with that thought, âAre we going to be able to figure this out?âÂ
âFigure what out?â He looks genuinely confused by your question, âUs?âÂ
âYouâre an idol,â You nod towards him, âIâm staff,âÂ
He rests a hand on your knee, âWeâll be fine,âÂ
âArenât your contracts,â You trail off, letting him fill in the blanks.Â
âTheyâre strict, yes,â He nods, âyear seven,âÂ
Dating, romance, even the perception of it was more than discouraged by companies in this industry, their artists contractually obligated to be single and available and dedicated only to their fans. Five years would have been the industry standard to prevent any idol from being caught out with a partner, let alone a potential soulmarked one, but seven is excessive.Â
You blanch, âThatâs almost two years away,âÂ
âWe will find a way,â He says, âweâre not the first people in the industry this has happened to,âÂ
âReally?â You perk up, âWho?âÂ
He falls short, âWell, I donât know exactly, but itâs bound to have happened.âÂ
âAnd then ruined their careers,â You groan, flopping back flat on the mattress and covering your face with a hand, âwhich is why weâve never heard of them,âÂ
Yunho laughs, earnestly laughs, and takes the half empty ramen cup out of your hand to discard, âMaybe, but for now, letâs just stay positive. Get to know eachother better,âÂ
You nod.Â
âNothing can change the fact that we found each other,â He points out, dropping down onto his side on the bed next to you, âand Iâm okay with that.âÂ
âSo we just lie to everyone?â You chew at the inside of your lip, staring up at the white ceiling.Â
âHey,â Yunhoâs fingers tuck under your chin and draw your eyes to him, âI know youâre anxious,âÂ
You sigh, letting his softness calm you again.Â
âI know,â He repeats, âI am too, but we donât have to decide anything tonight. Weâre both tired and itâs been an emotional day,âÂ
âOkay,â You nod, âokay, yes, youâre right,âÂ
His thumb strokes over your cheek again, and you watch him exhale and sink further into your touch, âWill you stay tonight?âÂ
That wakes you up.Â
Your eyebrows raise, âStay?âÂ
âJust to sleep,â He assures you, âI just⊠I donât want to be without you yet,âÂ
âI need to get back before Iseul wakes up if we do that,â You note with a grimace.Â
âWhat time?â He glances back to the clock.Â
âSeven,â You say, âher alarm is set for seven-thirty,âÂ
âWe can do that,â He grabs his phone off the side table and sets an alarm, âweâll get up,âÂ
The pull between your bodies is so strong youâre fairly sure you would have stayed no matter the consequences, but you nod, âThen Iâll stay,âÂ
He grins and pushes himself off the bed, âIâve got clothes, if you want to get comfortable,âÂ
âSure,â you sit up and wait for him to find things in his still packed suitcase.Â
âUm,â He pulls a pair of black sweatpants from the bag, âthese should work, and if you get cold,âÂ
You smile as he grabs a gray hoodie and comes back to you.Â
As you start to pull off your sweater again, he turns around and leaves his back to you, âSorry,âÂ
âThanks,â You chuckle, making short work of changing. Youâre swimming in his clothes, but his sweatshirt smells like him and you just want to bury your face into it, âyou can turn around now,âÂ
His shoulders relax as he turns back, and you watch his lips part as he takes you in.Â
âWhat?âÂ
âYou look cute,â He clears his throat, shrugging off his reaction.Â
You smile and ease back onto the bed, âOh, I get it,â you laugh, âis your guy brain on fire because Iâm wearing your clothes? Is this some kind of⊠you won the competition, ownership thing?âÂ
He scoffs and rolls his eyes, kneeling on the bed to shuffle closer, âNo competition when youâre literally fated for me,âÂ
âRight,â You let the word drag out on your tongue to tease him.Â
âBut I like taking care of you already, and now youâre warm and comfortable,â He collapses next to you onto the mattress with a sigh, âand I know I donât own you, but you are mine, just like Iâm yours now. I wonât apologize for liking you in my clothes or in my bed, for liking when you look like my girlfriend,âÂ
Warmth blooms in your cheeks and you duck your face into the sheets.Â
âNow come get under the covers,â He maneuvers the duvet, âitâs late, you were dead on your feet today,âÂ
His voice is so warm and familiar, and you slide into the covers beside him.Â
In bed you keep a little distance, and despite the number of times both of you say that you should go to sleep, your conversation is almost impossible to stop. Yunho holds your hand in the middle space of the mattress between your bodies, and in the dim lighting of the hotel room you whisper thought after thought back and forth. A million things coming to mind you need to tell each other so suddenly now that youâve found each other.Â
As you talk his fingers travel, restlessly stroking your skin, up and down your arm and tapping out patterns. When his palm slides back and forth over the sharp lines of the tattoos on your upper arm, and you feel the question slipping out of your lips and revealing more about yourself than you intended before you can catch it.Â
âYour parents,â You blurt out, âwill they be happy?â Heâs spoken about them so much over the past hour that you canât help but ask him that question point blank.Â
âSo happy,â He responds with ease, a laugh on his lips, âthey always worried me being an idol meant Iâd never be able to find the one and settle down, theyâre going to love this story,âÂ
You smile at the easy way he calls you âthe oneâ, but the question you really asked still remains unanswered and you exhale softly, âBut,â you manage, âwill they be happy with me?âÂ
Yunho stills, reaching across the bed to hook his finger under your chin and draw your eyes up to his again, âVery happy,â he says, âjust like I am.âÂ
Your muscles relax, his words a soothing balm, and you adjust your position on the pillow beneath you, âJust checking,âÂ
âMhm,â He studies your face, âjagi, why wouldnât they be happy with you?âÂ
The endearment slips off his lips with ease, and a burst of warmth spreads through you. Youâve never needed pet names and softness like this from a partner, but from him it makes your heart quicken.Â
The momentary elation fades though, and his question comes back into your mind. You take a deep breath, you owe it to him to tell him now, âMy family wonât be happy,âÂ
âWith me?â His eyebrows raise.Â
âItâs me,â You shake your head, âmy parents have difficult ideals, and Iâve never pleased them. It wouldnât matter who you were, they⊠theyâll find a way to not be happy for me.â
His eyes soften, and his thumb strokes along your jaw, âIâm sorry,âÂ
âIt is what it is,âÂ
âAre your parents soulmates?â He asks softly.Â
You shake your head, âNo, they donât really believe in soulmarks,âÂ
You watch his eyes widen in surprise.Â
âUnless,â You canât stop yourself from rolling your eyes, âthe match is âfortuitousâ,âÂ
âFor status?â He surmises.Â
âStatus, money,â You shrug, âconnection. But I think I could marry the next president and theyâd still find a way to be disappointed in me,âÂ
His jaw flexes tense for just a moment, before his expression smooths over again.Â
âAnyway,â You clear the bad thoughts away as quickly as they came, âmy sister and I never went along like they wanted, like my cousins and the rest of my family, so we are the great disappointments. Itâs not⊠itâs fine, but, I guess you should know before we, you know,âÂ
He smiles, a bit of amusement in his expression that you canât place, âDid you think having bad parents would scare me off?âÂ
âIt could,âÂ
âNo,â He slides a hand under your side and tugs you across the mattress to press a fast kiss to your lips, âit never could.âÂ
âBut Iâm,â You start, all the reasons why a partner might care ringing in your ears.Â
âBeautiful?â He cuts you off, âJust my type? If itâs anything else I donât want to hear you say it,âÂ
Your stomach flip flops hard and you push lightly against his chest to get him to stop.Â
âThe thing is,â He brushes your hair back from your cheek, âmy parents are soulmates. I grew up in a house full of a lot of love, even when they were being strict and scolding us.âÂ
Your smile at his warm expression.Â
âSo I know theyâll love you,â He explains, âthey know what this feels like, what it means. I have plenty of family for us both,âÂ
Your throat constricts, tears threatening for a moment.Â
âYour sister, though,â He grounds you out of the bad thoughts without even thinking, âyou two are close?âÂ
âVery,â
âIâd like to meet her,â He smiles.Â
âYou two would get along great, my sister and her wife both, actually,âÂ
Yunho nods, listening attentively, âDo they have kids?âÂ
âNot yet,â You groan, âbut Iâm dying to be an auntie,âÂ
His thumb drags a comforting line across your cheekbone, his expression warm and affectionate, âCute,âÂ
You sink into the pillows, a yawn creeping up to your lips, âSheâs going to lose her mind when I call her,â Â
âYeah?âÂ
âMm,â You huff a laugh, âshe thought that when I started working here I should have found an inconspicuous way to bump into all of you to test possible bonds. Sheâs going to be riding the âI told you soâ train.âÂ
âSheâs funny,â He smirks.Â
âVery,â You sigh, unconsciously cuddling into his warmth.Â
âHas it been a while since youâve seen her?â He asks softly, adjusting his arms around you so that youâre cradled against his chest with the pillows at your back.Â
âMhm,â You yawn again, the warmth of his body settling the last of the adrenaline inside you, âa while,âÂ
âLetâs find a day off after the tour,â He tucks the duvet around you.Â
âYeah?â Your eyes feel heavy.Â
âYeah,â He kisses your forehead.Â
âYunho,â You yawn again, dipping your forehead into his chest, âGod, Iâm so tired again,âÂ
âMhm,â He yawns too, âme too, jagi,âÂ
You hum softly, fingers slipping under the edge of his shirt just to feel a little skin, âI like that,â you murmur, âI like you,âÂ
âI like you too,â He chuckles, ânow go to sleep,âÂ
A piece of you wants to protest, wants more time cocooned in this day with him, but something about his body feels so right. After a week of sleeping poorly, your body tight and anxious and heart fluttering for no reason at all, when he touches you, your mind goes blissfully blank.Â
Your muscles relax, your breath dropping low and soft in your chest.Â
Nuzzled against his tattoo, you drift.
Youâre supposed to wake up to an alarm. Early enough that you could slip back into your hotel room and your own bed to yawn and stretch next to Iseul and make her believe you were there the whole night. Thatâs what was supposed to happen.Â
Instead, you wake to the heavy sound of a hotel door and Seonghwaâs voice, Yunho jolting awake beside you.Â
âOh my god,â Seonghwa says for what sounds like the third time to your fuzzy sleep-addled brain, âoh my god?âÂ
âHyung,â Yunho pushes himself up, his arms unwinding from around you, âhey, donât freak out,âÂ
âDonât freak out,â Seonghwaâs eyes blow wide, âare you fucking kidding me? Hongjoong is going to kill you,â
âYou donât understand,â Sleep is still heavy on him and he shakes his head to try to pull himself away.Â
âI understand plenty,â Seonghwa counters, âhow long have you been lying to us?âÂ
His reaction surprises you, and you ease yourself up to sit next to Yunho. Youâre not sure what to say or not say, you donât know what theyâve discussed in the past when it comes to dating and relationships, but by Seonghwaâs outburst you can guess itâs honesty at a minimum.Â
Yunhoâs face falls, âNo, itâs not that,âÂ
âI can tell you what it looks like,â Seonghwa lowers his voice to what amounts to a stage whisper.Â
âHyung,â Yunho rubs his eyes, running a hand through his mop of black hair.Â
âIt looks like youâve been sneaking around,â He continues, âhow long have you two been fucking?âÂ
âHey,â Yunhoâs voice sharpens, and his hand crosses your body to anchor on your opposite thigh.Â
Seonghwaâs eyes track it and he shakes his head, âThis is so stupid,â he steps back in surprise, âyouâre both being so, incredibly stupid.âÂ
Yunho gives you a squeeze and opens his mouth to reply but Seonghwa keeps going.Â
âNaive is what it is,âÂ
Irritation bubbles in your gut and you canât stop yourself, âSeonghwa, will you shut up for one second?âÂ
He stops in his tracks, mouth falling open, âWhat?âÂ
âCan you please,â You hold his gaze, âplease, just listen to Yunho for a minute before you jump to conclusions.âÂ
He shifts, taking a step back and crossing his arms, and then he looks to Yunho.Â
Yunho finds your eyes quickly, silently asking, and you give him a nod.Â
âOkay,â Yunho runs a hand through his hair again, âIâll just say it.âÂ
Seonghwa waits, his expression completely neutral except for the irritated corner of his lips.
ây/n is my soulmate,â Yunho squeezes your thigh again and you slip your hand into his to twine your fingers together, âwe didnât know, but now we do.âÂ
Seonghwaâs brows go high, shock filling his features.Â
âWeâre not hiding,â You add, âwe just⊠itâs just,âÂ
âHow long?â Seonghwa manages.Â
âSoundcheck yesterday,â Yunho says, âwe havenât known long enough to lie, hyung.âÂ
âYouâre sure?â He looks between you both, and you know what heâs thinking. How could it be possible to know each other for years and not know.Â
âWeâre sure,â You answer confidently, calmly, âI swear,âÂ
âItâs real,â Yunhoâs thumb strokes across knuckles, âitâs very real.âÂ
Seonghwa swallows, taking in the news and sinks back against the hotel dresser, âWell, fuck,âÂ
âYeah,â Yunho laughs.Â
âYou were off timing yesterday,â Seonghwa points out, âand distracted,âÂ
âIt wasnât that bad,â Yunho grimaces.Â
âNo, but,â He shrugs, âI know you and youâre never off time.âÂ
âIt wasnât easy to focus on the show yesterday,â Yunho admits.Â
âIâm sorry,â You nudge him with your shoulder, knowing a huge portion of that must have been the panic flooding his side of the link.Â
He shakes his head, âThereâs nothing to be sorry for,â
When you look back up, Seonghwa is smiling and he sighs, âOh, youâve both got it bad.âÂ
âObviously,â You hide your face in your sweatshirt sleeve.Â
âSo, whatâs the plan?â Seonghwa asks, âBecause you canât act like this around anyone else,âÂ
Your mouth feels dry.Â
âWe donât know,â Yunho answers, âwe have to figure that out, for now I think we just try to keep things normal.âÂ
Seonghwa nods and then leans forward, âListen, I know youâre not asking for my advice,âÂ
You both wait.Â
âBut you're my brother,â Seonghwa says unequivocally, âso Iâm going to give you some anyway.âÂ
Yunho nods.Â
âYou wear your heart on your sleeve,â Seonghwa points out, âand Iâm sure it will be hard to act like acquaintances in front of everyone, but you have to do it, at least until you make a plan.âÂ
âYeah,â Yunhoâs cheeks are a little pink and he squeezes your hand.Â
âNo one fires the idol for things like this,â He reminds you both, âso for her sake, put it away for today.âÂ
âHeâs right,â You nod, âtoday we go back to coworkers,âÂ
Yunho draws your clasped hands up and kisses your fingers, âOkay,âÂ
âYouâre lucky I offered to check on you,â Seonghwa sighs heavily, âif any of the managers came in,âÂ
âCheck on me?â Yunho perks up at that, âHwa, why,âÂ
Things come into focus for you at that moment, how bright the hotel room is with sunlight, how well rested you really feel. You twist in the bed and look at the digital clock, âOh no,âÂ
âYou were late,â Seonghwa explains, âwe figured you overslept, I offered to use the spare key to get you up.âÂ
âFuck,â Yunho curses.Â
You both slept straight through Yunhoâs alarm.Â
âIseul is going to fucking kill me,â You roll out of bed, your hands breaking apart as you scramble for you phone, âwhat the hell am I going to tell her?âÂ
Your phone reads nine-thirty. In thirty minutes youâre supposed to be packed into a van and on the way to the venue and when you look at the collection of notifications your stomach churns.Â
Three calls from Iseul, and a lengthy string of text messages.Â
Did you already get up and get ready?
Your work bag is still hereâŠ
Not funny, girl, where are you?
Did you make it back last night?Â
Can you answer me??Â
Iâm getting worried. I havenât heard anything - You havenât even read these?Â
You better not be dead in a ditch, Iâll kill you myself.Â
âFuck, fuck, fuck,â Your hands are trembling as you tap out the fastest reply - Alive, be right there.
Yunhoâs a whirlwind behind you, stripping out of his sleep clothes and yanking on whatever outfit is at the top of his suitcase, âItâs fine, itâs going to be fine,âÂ
âSure,â You search the floor for your jeans and dart into the bathroom, âmy best friend is going to murder me though,âÂ
You change at lightning speed, swapping his sweats for your jeans and then tying up your hair into a messy bun before pushing back out into the main room.Â
âEveryoneâs downstairs,â Seonghwa offers, âyou shouldnât run into anyone on the way back to your room.âÂ
âGood, okay, good,â Your heart is pounding, âwhereâs my room key?âÂ
âHere,â Yunho darts forwards and finds the little envelope, passing it to you, âtake a breath,âÂ
âI have to go,â You manage, âI have to think of something,âÂ
âDonât kiss and tell,â Seonghwa offers and heâs being funny but itâs vaguely helpful.Â
âWait,â Yunho grabs your hand and tugs you back, snapping your phone out of your hand.Â
âYunho, I donât,â You start to say but he waves you off.Â
He types fast, adding himself as a contact in Kakao Talk, âMy number,â he explains.Â
Seonghwa huffs a laugh.Â
You take the phone back and tuck it into your pocket, âIâll message you later,âÂ
âGood,â He dips forwards and presses one warm, tender kiss to your lips, ânow get out of here,âÂ
You kiss him back, just once and fast, a little shred of self indulgence before you have to act like heâs just another guy, and then youâre darting out of the room, shouting back a thank you at Seonghwa as you go.Â
You navigate the halls fast, and opt to take the stairs to get down one floor faster and more inconspicuously. You take a deep breath when you get to your hotel door, and then you dive.Â
âSo you are alive,â Iseulâs waiting, just like you thought she might be. Sheâs sitting on your still made bed, her phone in her hands and a tense expression on her face, âI was just about to tell the managers you were missing,âÂ
âIâm so sorry, seriously, I didnât mean to worry you,â You take a few steps into the room.Â
Her eyes flick over you, and you realize at the moment her eyes widen that youâre still wearing Yunhoâs hoodie, your sweater still discarded on his bedroom floor.Â
âYou hooked up with someone?â Her voice spikes, âAre you kidding me?âÂ
Thankfully the hoodie is plain, just a heather gray with no identifying attributes that scream his name, but youâre still swimming in it and itâs clear youâre rumpled from bed.Â
âListen,â You hold up your hands, âI didnât mean to not text you, I just fell asleep,âÂ
âWith some guy?â She stands.Â
âYes,â You settle on some version of the truth.Â
âWho?â She flounders, âWeâre supposed to text each other,âÂ
And you always did, when either one of you went home with someone there was always a little preemptive safety report. A name, an address, a shared location, something so that you werenât completely alone in the world with a strange guy.Â
âIâm sorry,â You say again.Â
She studies you, and itâs like sheâs looking through you.Â
âOh my god,â Her eyes widen, âwe know him.âÂ
âIseul,â Your cheeks heat.Â
She points at you, âIâm right!âÂ
âItâs not a big deal,â You skirt around her words.Â
âThe only reason you wouldnât text me is if you were with someone we both know,â She narrows her eyes, âso give it up.âÂ
âI canât,â You press, âleave it,âÂ
âWhy are you being so weird?âÂ
âIseul,â You sigh, avoiding her gaze, âI just woke up in a panic, and I have like fifteen minutes to get showered, can you give me the third degree later?âÂ
âIâm not letting this go,âÂ
âYeah,â You pull off Yunhoâs sweatshirt and head to the bathroom, âI know, but we have work.âÂ
âWork with a coworker you slept with,â She stands in the doorway while you start the shower, and you realize her tone isnât so much as angry anymore but probing.Â
âI didnât sleep with him,â You groan, âwell, I guess I did, but we didnât have sex, okay?âÂ
âThatâs awfully cozy for a one night stand,â She crosses her arms, âunless youâre seeing someone? Are you seeing someone?âÂ
âNo,â You test the water heat and unbutton your jeans, âI swear Iâll explain another time, but can you just drop it for today? Or do you want to stand here and watch me shower?âÂ
âFine,â She concedes, âyou will tell me?âÂ
âI swear,â You nod, âI want to tell you, but Iâm not ready yet, okay?âÂ
Her eyes soften up at that, âAre you okay?âÂ
âYeah,â You nod, âbut Iâm having big feelings about it and I need to work it out,â
âOh,â In all the years youâve known her, sheâs never seen you in love or even close, and she just blinks, âgot it,âÂ
âCan I shower now?â You gesture towards the running water.Â
âYeah,â She steps back, âyeah, but Iâm still mad you didnât text me.âÂ
âOkay,âÂ
âAnd Iâm still going to guess who it is,â She smirks.Â
âFine,âÂ
Her smile widens and she rolls her eyes, âI bet itâs one of the BB guys, isnât it? You always like a dancer,âÂ
She turns the corner before she can watch you blushing harder, so nearly on the money with her guess, but you put it all out of your mind for now and focus on your day. Youâre late, and itâs about to be another long one. Youâll have time for everything else later, if you can just keep your cool.Â
Work is bizarre to say the least. You and Yunho both do an excellent job of not looking at each other except for when heâs in your makeup chair, and youâre getting better and better at ignoring both Sanâs and Seonghwaâs nervous glances.Â
This time you start the makeup early, less time pressure with the schedule adjustments, and the night goes off without a hitch. Soundcheck to stage to VIP benefits, itâs a whirlwind and youâre grateful for the distractions everywhere you look.Â
You can still feel him, emotions from his side of the link ebbing and flowing throughout the day, but the sharp intensity of yesterday has dulled a bit after your night together. In quiet moments you find yourself thinking about his lips, or the way his hands held you as you tumbled into sleep, but you push it down and stay professional.Â
As the show ends, Iseul ropes you into team dinner, desperate to observe who you interact with and how, still on her quest to find your mystery bed partner, but the boys arenât there and so thereâs nothing for her to really see.Â
Later, with Iseul passed out from one too many shots of soju, you slip back into Yunhoâs hoodie and cuddle into the warmth of your own bed. You need more sleep, you know that, but your brain isnât cooperating. You toss and turn in the sheets, body feeling like a taut cord, and all you can think of is him.Â
You miss him.Â
Itâs not even two days of having him in your life like this and you feel nervous and achy without him. Thereâs no way youâll survive two years of this.Â
Over an hour passes as you sigh, changing positions again and again, and then your phone finally buzzes. You scramble to see if itâs a message from him, nearly dropping your phone in the process.Â
Canât sleep? - He must be feeling your restlessness.Â
Not at all - You reply, chest feeling warm at the contact.Â
Little bubbles pop up immediately to indicate heâs typing and then another message pops on your screen - Youâd think after last night weâd both be exhausted.
So youâre as awake as I am?Â
Just canât relax. I liked having you here last night. - He confesses.Â
You roll over in the bedding onto your front and push the pillow under your chest before you keep texting - I liked it too. Iâd come up except Iseul wouldnât lay off guessing who I was with this morning.Â
Oh? Did she guess correctly? - You can practically see the smirk on his face.Â
Nope - You tease back.Â
Was she upset? - He asks.Â
At first, but I told her I would tell her soon I just needed some time - You reply.Â
Thatâs good, honest. - His message makes you smile.Â
How was Seonghwa? - You tap out.Â
FineâŠ. stressing and acting like a hyung, you know - He says.Â
You smile and type out another message - Is he keeping this to himself for now?
Yes - Yunhoâs message comes in, and then another - For now, he knows we need to decide things first.Â
Thatâs good - You send back.Â
Things lull for a moment, and you try to think of something more to say, but Yunho swoops in with a question that makes you bite your lip to keep from laughing - Who did Iseul guess you were with? Was I even on the list?
I thought youâd be happy she didnât guess - You reply.Â
Bubbles appear immediately, then another message - Iâm a little offended, Iâm the obvious choice.
Whyâs that? - You tease him.Â
You feel something warm in your chest, and his next message flies back - I thought I was your type?Â
You stifle another laugh - You are, sheâs not very observant.
So who did she guess?Â
Your belly flip flops and you hide your face in the pillow for a moment. His obvious jealousy, even just to tease you, is making your heart quicken and you canât stop yourself from making it harder on him.Â
You take a breath and reply - About half the BB crew and a few of your managers.
The replies donât come for a moment, and you nervously refresh the chat.Â
Finally a message comes in - Iâm trying to think of something funny to say, but Iâm actually just irrationally jealous.Â
She was just teasing, no need to be jealous - You smile into your hand.Â
Doesnât matter - He says - Now Iâm just here alone wondering which of our coworkers Iseul thinks you have chemistry with
He is jealous. You swallow hard, trying to ignore the swooping sensation in your belly and press your legs a little tighter together. If you close your eyes you can feel the echo of his hands on you from last night, and all you want in the world is for him to come down here and kiss you hard like that again.Â
With a slow exhale you return to your phone - Donât be jealous, Yunho. We both know Iâm yours.
Yeah? - His reply comes after a beat - No need to be jealous then.
Exactly - You reply.Â
I bet you like it a little though - His message flies in as yours sends.
You feel warm all over and you run a nervous hand through your hair before replying - No, I donât.Â
Jagi, you forget I can feel how worked up youâre getting.Â
Your stomach clenches, drops and twists. Heâs going to be the death of you and youâre still just flirting. Â
You work up the courage and finally send your reply - Youâre the one that pinned me to the wall last night.Â
Iâve been thinking about that all day - The message reply is fast.Â
You smile and bite your lip, snuggling further into the mattress and trying to ignore the growing pulse between your thighs - You did seem distracted during rehearsals.
You feel warmth in your chest, and you know exactly how much your flirting is affecting him. Another text pings through and you shiver when you read it - How could I not be distracted with you there? All I could think about was the way you said my name last night.Â
Your thighs press together - Yunho?
Yes, jagi?
Or more whiny, was it? Yunho-ya? - You type it out fully, emphasizing the extended sound, knowing exactly what he wants to hear from the way he gripped you last night.Â
The room is suddenly hot, and your heart beats faster to sync with his.Â
It takes a moment for him to respond, bubbles popping up and then receding again and you wonder how heâs lying in bed. If heâs hard already, if heâs palming himself? You wonder if he sleeps naked when heâs alone and youre core clenches, arousal pooling in your gut and you know he can feel the threads of it. When he finally presses send on his message you have to cover your mouth to keep quiet.Â
Feeling needy? Are you squirming around in that hotel bed wishing for me, sweetheart?
You feel that message from your top to your toes and you steal a fast glance at the bed next to you. Iseul is sound asleep, turned away from you and snoring softly, and you let out a relieved, shuddering breath.Â
You could pump the brakes here, tease him and find a way to say goodnight, but you simply canât. Need and arousal overwhelms you and you tap back your reply fast - Iâve been aching all day.
Do you have headphones?Â
The question catches you off guard, but you write back - Yes, airpods.
Put them in - He says, and you swallow tightly, reaching for the little headphone case on your bedside table.Â
Your fingers are shaking as you take them out of the case and put them in, making sure theyâre connected before you reply - Done.Â
His call lights up your phone, ringing in your headphones and you swipe to answer with a panicked glance at the bed next to you, but Iseul sleeps on, none the wiser.Â
ây/n?â His voice is so rich and quiet, a little raspy edge after singing all night and you nearly moan.Â
âHi,â You whisper as soft as you can, âI canât,âÂ
âDonât talk,â He soothes you, âdonât wake Iseul up, Iâll talk to you and you can text me back, okay?âÂ
You minimize the call and open your chat back up, sending him a quick emoji to acknowledge his words.Â
âPerfect,â He laughs softly, âthis is way easier than texting. Listen, I know we said slow, but Iâd love to help you relax if you want that. If not, I can just say goodnight, itâs up to you.âÂ
You exhale softly, a needy thrill in your gut - Letâs relax together.Â
âOh,â He sighs pleasantly, âyes, Iâd love that.âÂ
You want me? - You ask.Â
âYou can feel how much I do,â He responds, âIâm sitting here convincing myself not to come downstairs and get my hands on you.âÂ
You hum softly, shifting in the sheets and relaxing deeper into the pillows.Â
You hear his own breath, the way he parts his lips with a wet sound, âCan you tell me what position youâre in?âÂ
You tap out the reply - Lying on my front, on my stomach.Â
âHmm,â He sounds pleased, âI bet you look so cute, all twisted up in the sheets and blushing,âÂ
I was tossing and turning.Â
âI bet you were,â He groans a little, âI tried everything. I hit the gym, cold shower, did some deep breathing, but you have me so keyed up I canât sleep,âÂ
You send him another emoji, the blushing face.Â
He laughs, the rumble of it too deep and warm in your ear with your headphones in.Â
You tap out another message - What position are you in? Trying to picture it.Â
You hear him shift around in the sheets, âIâm on my back,âÂ
Wearing?Â
He chuckles, âArenât I supposed to be the one asking what youâre wearing?âÂ
I asked you first.
âFair,â He shifts again, and you picture him restless on his back in the bed you shared the night before, âjust boxers,âÂ
A heavy sigh passes through your lips.Â
âAnd you?âÂ
You wish it were sexier all of a sudden, but that just wouldnât be practical in a room with your friend so you tell him honestly - Pajamas, the button down kind, theyâre gray.Â
âGod, youâre adorable,â The covers on his end shift again, âwish you were up here with me.âÂ
Me tooÂ
âThis is probably better,â He says though, âI donât think I could hold myself back for another night.âÂ
Me either - You confess.Â
ây/n,â His voice warms, low in his chest, âjagiya, can I help you? Can I tell you what I want you to do?âÂ
Your hands are shaking and you type the reply so fast thereâs a typo that you have to fix - Pfease - Please.
He chuckles, âAlright, get comfortable, just listen to my voice, okay?âÂ
You message him one last thought - What about you?
âIâm⊠Iâm, uh,â He lets out a shaky breath, âIâm already stroking for you,âÂ
You press your lips together to keep from making a sound, dropping your forehead to the pillow in front of you.Â
Thatâs so hot - You text him quickly when you hear him say your name, probably a little nervous he came on too strong.Â
He hums, âGood,â he says, âthen donât worry about me, just listen to my voice.âÂ
You set your phone to the side, snuggling into the mattress and the pillows just like he asked for, sparing one more glance at Iseul to confirm sheâs still completely out of it.Â
âComfy?â He asks when you stop shifting around.Â
âMhm,â You murmur in a whisper.Â
âGood,â He sighs, ânow slip one of your hands under your cute little pajamas, between your thighs.âÂ
You slide your arm down, tucking it under your body and into your sleep pants.Â
âUnder your panties too,â He says, his voice a little husky.Â
âMhm,â You murmur again, following his words.Â
âTease a little for me,â He instructs you, ânot too fast, just your fingertips on the outside,âÂ
You breathe low and slow, gently passing the pads of your fingers over your slit, just barely ghosting against the hard nub of your clit.Â
âI bet you look so pretty right now,â He groans a little and you hear the sound of sheets, âyou make the cutest faces when youâre feeling good,âÂ
You make the tiniest noise of acknowledgement, fingers still brushing your cunt.Â
âCanât wait to see you fall apart for real,â He confesses, a strain in his tone as he sighs, and you picture him. His long legs spread wide in the bed, stretching from corner to corner, his boxer briefs pushed down and his hand fisting his cock.Â
Youâre going to lose it when you finally get to touch him again.Â
âYou can touch now,â He murmurs, getting your attention back, âare you wet?âÂ
You push your fingers through your folds and sigh when you feel just how slick and swollen you are. With your other hand you find the phone nearby and tap out a quick message - So wet
âThatâs good, thatâs so good,âÂ
Your fingers start to circle on your oversensitive nub and thereâs no way he wonât have you coming in five minutes or less with it feeling this good and his heavy breath in your ear.Â
âR-rub your clit for me,â He pants and your eyes roll, you can hear the sounds of the sheets rhythmically swishing as he pumps his cock harder, âget your fingers nice and wet,âÂ
You whimper into the pillow, biting down hard on your cheek to keep yourself in check.Â
âOh, fuck,â He groans, âsound so pretty,âÂ
You rub harder, faster, your legs stretching wide under the downy comforter to give you better access.Â
âBaby,â He gets your attention with that, âpush two fingers inside yourself, imagine Iâm there with you,âÂ
You shift, hand slipping lower and body arching to slide your middle and ring finger as deep as theyâll go. You stay mostly quiet this time, but your breathing is heavy and youâre sure he can hear it.Â
âClose your eyes,â He murmurs, âpicture my fingers,âÂ
You gasp softly.Â
âGrind,â He tells you, âgrind your pussy on my palm and feel my fingers fucking you,âÂ
You bite back a moan, only the slip of a soft sound into the microphone as you start to rock, rolling your hips and working your clit against your hand as you sink into his fantasy. You always took him for soft, the romantic type whoâd blush at saying the word âpussyâ let alone talking you through whatâs bound to be the headiest orgasm of your life, but youâve never been so happy to be wrong.Â
âYes,â Yunho moans and you shudder, âI can hear you moving, youâre doing so good,âÂ
Pleasurable stars burst behind your eyes and you grind harder into your slick palm.Â
âSo good,â He groans and you hear him roll in the bedding, his voice changing to something lower and breathier, and then the rhythmic rock of sheets from his side of the phone tells you all you need to know. You can almost see it, Yunho braced on his forearms, hips thrusting to drive his cock in and out of his hot fist, his face buried in the pillow you slept on the night before.Â
Heat melts through you, your body alight, and you grapple to find the phone again - Close
âAlready?â He says in a flushed exhale, âYouâre so hot, thatâs so hot,âÂ
You need him to talk to you, you need him to tell you what to do, and you whimper into the bedding as you work your body faster up to the peak.Â
âYou gonna come for me?â He murmurs, âYeah? Hmm?âÂ
You drop the phone and press a hand over your lips, stifling the threat of a real moan.Â
âLet go,â His voice is so low in your ear you can practically feel the warmth of his breath on your skin, âcome for me,âÂ
Your legs are trembling, knees digging into the mattress and sweat gathered on your brow, and you feel the pressure start to crack open inside you, âComing,â you whimper into your fingers so he knows, and then it breaks.Â
âGod, good girl, yes,â He groans, âIâm coming with you, fuck,âÂ
Your body curls into itself as you release, locking up in pleasure as you feel wave after wave of heat. You bite down on your knuckle to keep from making a sound, silently falling apart, dimly aware somewhere in your gut that half the heat you felt was his, that part of that pleasure was his own.Â
Yunho moans in your ear as you ride the sensations, panting and cursing and you canât wait to feel him pulsing inside you while he sounds this good.Â
Youâre not sure how long it takes you to recover, but when your brain starts to connect again you realize youâre panting against the cool flat of the mattress and both your phone and pillow are nowhere to be found. You swallow hard and pop your head up, but Iseul hasnât moved an inch and you thank god for her liberal use of melatonin while traveling.Â
In your ear you register the sound of Yunhoâs breath and the end of a sentence, âstill there?âÂ
He must have been talking, and you try to focus in on the sound of him now as you slip your hand out from between your sticky thighs.Â
He exhales slowly and you hear him shifting around, ây/n, baby, are you there?âÂ
 âUh-huh,â You manage.Â
âSleepy?â He murmurs, misreading your sound, âThatâs okay,âÂ
You make a tiny noise of protest and search the bed for your phone.Â
âBaby?â Heâs confused and you grin at his sleepy sated tone.Â
Sliding off the bed onto nearly boneless legs, you find your pillow off to the side and your phone underneath. You snap it up and send a message quickly - Wait
âWait?â He breathes, âSure, Iâm not going anywhere, Iâm here,âÂ
You tiptoe to the bathroom as quietly as you can and then shut yourself behind the heavy door, flicking on the light and collapsing to sit on the closed toilet lid.Â
You disconnect your earbuds and bring your phone to your ear, âHey,âÂ
âHey,â He murmurs, âyou okay?âÂ
âYeah,â You smile, still a little breathless, âHiding in the bathroom for a sec so I could actually talk to you,âÂ
He hums, a quiet, lazy laugh, âAh,âÂ
âAre you okay?â You find yourself asking, a little nervous tumble in your gut.Â
âMe?â He says, âIâm incredible, youâre incredible,âÂ
âYeah?â You draw your knees up, wrapping your arms around yourself and smiling into the phone.Â
âThat wasnât too much, was it?â He checks, but you still hear the sound of him calling you âgood girlâ and you shiver.Â
âNot too much,â You sigh into the phone.Â
âGood,â He hums, âI thought so, I was trying to pay attention to how you were feeling, but it was a little,â
âHard to focus?â You offer and he laughs.Â
âYeah,â He sighs again, heavy and sated.Â
âI canât wait for this tour to be over,â You confess, âI just want to be with you,âÂ
You feel a pang in your chest and listen as Yunho rolls in the sheets, âI know, I want that too,âÂ
A little lump forms in your throat and you breathe through it, âYunho,âÂ
âYeah, baby?âÂ
âHave you ever felt like this before?â Your thundering heart has started to slow, and you let your eyes close as you murmur the question.Â
âNever,â He murmurs, âbut I felt this way before we touched,âÂ
You feel his tenderness wrap around your heart as if he were in the room with you, and with a small smile you whisper, âI thought you said you werenât holding a candle?âÂ
âI lied,â He says softly, âitâs been you for a long time,âÂ
He doesnât say it, not in so many words, but you feel the way he loves you through the link in a wave. Itâs as good as any confession to you, just as honest if not more so.Â
âI wish I could come upstairs,â You manage, tears pricking your eyes.Â
You hear him swallow and breathe a slow breath through his nose, âSoon, I promise. Weâre going to do this right,âÂ
âI know,âÂ
âAre your headphones still in?â He asks
âNo, but I can switch back,âÂ
âPut them back in and go get back in bed,â He softly instructs, âitâs late, but Iâll stay with you until you fall asleep, okay?âÂ
âOkay,â You swap back over to your earbuds and adjust them.Â
âGet back to bed,â You can hear the smile in his voice.Â
âYunho,â You interrupt him, âthank you for staying with me,âÂ
âAlways,â He says, and for the first time in your life when someone says theyâll be there, you believe it.Â
âIâm going back out,â Your voice drops to a whisper, âgood night,âÂ
âMhm,â He listens as you slip back into bed, âjust get comfortable, just breathe. Iâm right here with you, jagiya, Iâll be right here.âÂ
He murmurs to you softly until your mind is sinking into darkness, body finally unspooling and letting you drop off into sleep. Itâs not the same as his arms around you, but it settles you more than any meditation, his voice a steady whisper through your dreams.Â
In the morning when you wake the call is still connected and the first sound you hear is his slow breath and the steady beat of his heart.
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rambling about songs my brain associates with isat (pt. 1)
[woe, spoilers be upon ye!]
i have a 250+ song isat playlist. I am unhealthily obsessed with finding new songs to put in it. Here's a few that make me go absolutely batshit insane.
I've already rambled about this one on my art account a while back, but this song is so insanely loop-coded....
I'm standing on a stage Of fear and self-doubt It's a hollow play, But they'll clap anyway
You could give me any song that has some kind of reference to plays or theatre and I could probably find a way to make it about isat. but specifically this makes me think about twohats and how loop views their place in the world as a performance, a pawn, not even a character but a plot device... yeah
I'm living in an age That calls darkness light Though my language is dead Still the shapes fill my head I'm living in an age Whose name I don't know Though the fear keeps me moving, Still my heart beats so slow
I probably don't have to break this one down for you, but yeah, Island North of Vaugarde, the forgotten language... "still the shapes fill my head" has always in my mind referenced the stars and constellations, and how they're familiar but foreign...
-
thanks to @/ricecaqes and their trust ceremony animatic, this song lives in my head rent free. Even just as a whole this song is SO isat for me. literally from the first fucking lines:
Will I know when Iâve gone too far? Or frozen myself in time? An impossible brain with impossible wants Lost and astray, with impossible thoughts
like. it really can't get much more nail on the head than that?
then you got this:
So cold, Iâm freezing Every piece of praise and sign that Iâm believed in Solid in a crystal ball It bends the waves of the light to mend the rest of my life
and literally the first time I heard this song i paused it and said, out loud, "OH FUCK." Because. it's act 5 siffrin. Like, the slow descent into despair followed by the determination that the only way to perserve the life and the family they love is to keep them with him, to do the exact same thing the king did...
Do you also see your future starting with the farthest part? Live your life to close the space between the end and start And when itâs hard, do you hang onto any chance That you might be in control? That youâre the one who owns
For one, once you reach the end of act 2, you're constantly aware of the head housemaiden being as far as you can go, and then you're planning around it the entire time.
And then, you have. siffrin grasping for any kind of control they can have over the situation, desperately. and failing repeatedly because they simultaneously think that they are undeserving of getting what they ultimately want... yeah...
i won't go into the rest of the lyrics because honestly it's pretty well covered by the animatic but. yeah trust ceremony my sweet beloved.
-
rest in peace siffrin no middle no last name, you would have loved the mountain goats.
yeah uh. this one is also pretty high up on songs that make me go "damn that's siffrin alright".
I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam And no one in her right mind would make my home her home My heart's an autoclave
i think for me it's the idea of siffrin feeling like they're nothing, and even if they are something or someone, they are bad, worse than bad, worthless. also referencing homesickness.... yeah...
When I try to open up to you I get completely lost Houses swallowed by the earth, windows thick with frost And I reach deep down within, but the pathways twist and turn And there's no light anywhere, and nothing left to burn
I mean, this one is also pretty self-evident. siffrin losing hope while being stuck in the house... wanting to connect with the party but being completely uncapable of doing so out of the sheer terror of being left behind... act 5, with the house literally warping...
I dreamt that I was perched atop a throne of human skulls On a cliff above the ocean, howling wind and shrieking seagulls And the dream went on forever, one single static frame Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name
siffrin feels responsible for the loops, every aspect of them. their deaths, their party-member's deaths, their failures, everything. and in the end, all they really wanted was for someone to truly see them? to have a family, to not be left behind and forgotten by the world.... the importance of names and siffrin's name in particular in the story also makes this hit home for me.
-
for brevity's sake i'll just start with these three- if people are interested in hearing me justify my insane music choices i'll probably do more.... for now, see ya!
#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#rambling#brain dump#playlist#i love music#im so normal about it!#<- makes playlists for every conceivable circumstance#Spotify
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what is your opinion on time traveling Till in a time loop of making sure Ivan survives (spoiler: he doesn't) and slowly going insane.
Thing is his constant loops create an error in time so an insane adult Till is transported at the start of the contest.
Insane Till locks his attention to Ivan right away and kidnaps him much to everyone's bewilderment.
till watched, almost void of life, as ivan fell to the ground. he didn't register it for one moment, two moments - it's only when he saw the blood-dyed suit, the unseeing eyes, the unmoving body did he truly know what happened.
ivan had died. it was an irrefutable fact. like how the rain will always be dyed red, and how the white will always be stained maroon, ivan will always be dead.
that is, until hours after in the waiting room, preparing for the finale. till had taken a brief nap, a bare blink, and woken up in the room he was in the morning he took the stage, across from ivan.
===
dyed red. red red red- it will always be red. the rain will always fall, and always dilute the blood, and always always always will his white suit never stay pure. he'll fall to the ground, no matter if till continues to sing or not, if he begs and pleads, if he smiles or cries or yells; the stage is his deathbed. his coffin, the place his memory will forever be immortalized.
till has tried everything. he rigged the robots, rigged the polls, rigged the points; he kidnapped and took and gave; till has watched and held and left ivan as he died.
what else can he try? mere hours to everyone else, but another day in a decade for him, of the same rinse and repeat.
so when he wakes up somewhere new, with a vague familiarity attached to the way the papers are scattered, he feels... dread.
what about ivan? is he here? will till never see ivan again? has till failed so much even the universe won't try again?
except it's a blessing.
after investigating the same halls for decades, till knows how to escape. he's taken ivan down the same path, months later, only for it to somehow go wrong. the halls are the same, except downgraded, and ivan is here too. he might be younger, without the same memory of falling falling falling, but it's ivan. the snaggletooth, the grin, the hair, the skin; it's all ivan.
till doesn't know how he's here, but he takes the chance. they're gone before the dawn fully lifts, before ivan could tell left from right and dream from reality.
till doesn't restrain ivan much. ivan is the earth to his sun; he can't let him go blind, nor does he need to take his hearing or voice or food. however, till can't just let him stray. just as the sun holds the planets in orbit, till holds ivan in his vicinity using chains.
at least, till thinks as he looks at ivan, he doesn't try to leave till's vicinity either. ivan knows his place as till's earth.
=====
GUYS IM A GENIUS??? I LITERALLY CAME UP WITH THE EARTH AND SUN METAPHOR AT THE VERY END AND IT'S INSANE???
like, the earth's life can't exist without sunlight - plants grow from it, the heat warms ice to water, etc... but the earth is only just another planet to the sun. the moon is ivan's love for till, because the moon is only seen because it reflects light from the sun. am i making sense??
anyways i love this au but im not doing it justice ;-;
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Might've gone insane over this idea. Technician Ghost and Roach x Musician Soap on tour by @troutonduty . Rambles on details below cut.
Okay so I was a theatre tech which is a bit different but here's the breakdown on each outfit. They're both based on my own gear or friends gear. Both have those pants with insane numbers of pockets. (If we felt there weren't enough pockets, we sewed more on lol) Ghost gives me sound tech vibes so he's got that hard case backpack for carrying computers and components for on the fly fixes in tracks, sunglasses make sense for the bright ass stage lights, and he's got all those extension cords he's got to lug about. (If we had to carry big loops for cords, the easiest way is like a bandolier, so that's what I did for him.) Roach gives me lighting tech vibes so he's got one million pockets for things, gaff tape, electrical tape, and one of those pouches made for nails or screws that goes on the belt so nothing inside pokes you. Plus he's got a wrench (again, modeled how I did things with the fixed up handle for grip and carabineer attachment to belt for ease of carrying.) Gloves and masks make sense for handling equipment and not breathing in dust and I think Roaches glasses are more safety glasses than sunglasses like ghosts. Anyway sorry for rambling I just love being a technician and will talk forever.
#soaproachghost#soapghostroach#ghostsoaproach#how many ways are there to put that tag???#regardless#roach cod#ghost cod#soap cod#cod au#call of duty fanart#gary roach sanderson#john soap mctavish#simon ghost riley#etc#think thats all the tags lol
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honestly funny af đ this is the version of the list i saw; itâs funny how Incorrect the description is??
That moment when Horace Somnusson single-handedly gets the entirety of MPHFPC on at least one version of the potential banned book list because he said he liked boys one singular time
#hey jacob do you have something to share with the class#i guess they just somehow think emma is the protagonist?? which would be awesome but Sheâs Not. sheâs just the main love interest#anyways#the fact that jacobâs powers are neither mysterious nor obvious;#itâs very clear what heâs capable ofâ seeing hollows and souls#communicating with hollows#and interacting with souls#and in the grand picture of the series the orphanage/loop isnât very significant?#from a story perspective it Is significant. I Guess#but at the end of the day that is just where the majority of the cast lives.#and the whole mystery about it was solved relatively quickly#sorry for going ham in the tags iâve been going insane for days i fear
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don't like it fake (i think it's true love)
James Potter and Regulus Black could never date. Or at least, that's what Regulus seems to think. Determined to prove him wrong, James suggests they fake date for a month. But the longer they fake it, the more real it gets.
#hi again..... second mil fic this month....... i hope u aren't sick of me yet......#anyways!! this is for the lovely lovely loops#a belated birthday present <33#i hope you like it!!#they are so silly and annoying here#fic: don't like it fake (i think it's true love)#regulus black#james potter#jegulus#starchaser#jegulus fanfic#mil's writing
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learning to love
#they make me so fucking unwell i feel so ill whenever i think about them#it's OVER for me i'm done#teen skk is going on my fucking suicide note thanks for everything asagiri#something something your bloodied hand in mind something something by you i am forever undone#something something to the world we may be villains but to each other we're two halves of the same soul#head in my fucking hands#sry for getting all emo i rewatched pmmm yesterday and i've been feeling existential about everything#i actually listened to the pmmm ost while drawing it saved me i love you yuki kajiurađ (i died)#nothing like a haunting latin chorus echoing through my empty head while i draw tragic yaoi đ„°đ„°đ„°đ„°đ„°đ„°#big shoutout to sis puella magica i had that one on loop for like two hoursâŒïž#anyway enough about the doomed yuri anime back to skk#forget everything i said i actually hope they explode i'm sick of their asses#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#chuuya nakahara#nakahara chuuya#osamu dazai#dazai osamu#soukoku#skk#posting at ungodly hours again this is gonna catch up to me đ#lotus draws
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I want it back = I drag its dead weight forward
#artists on tumblr#animation#in stars and time#isat#illustration#in stars and time spoilers#isat spoilers#like for real#anyway I'm still thinking about Siffrin Instarsandtime#shoutout to tumblr user jb-blunk for the words from the caption which inspired this whole deal#literally finished the game and had those words looping (haHA) in my head like 'how do I use this what can I do to match this feeling' LMAO#if you haven't played ISAT well. first of all stop looking don't glean anything from this shhhh- but also GO PLAY IT IT'S EXCELLENT#heavily based off the astronomical clock in Prague! I love that thing so it was really fun to try and make it more ISAT-like#bc the themes are already there yanno!! Stars n' whatnot! And then of course the craft types instead of the astrological signs!#Loop and the King for the sun and the moon!!#can you tell I thought about and planned this one for like. A while. Longer than I usually spend LMAO#so yeah go play it immediately come be absolutely ILL and SICK and PLAGUED about the secret boss with me#fanart#pic
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YIPPEE YAY!! hi guy. beauty that is The Tagging Games <3
favourite colour: green!! used to be mainly that super eye-strainy yellow-green radioactive colour but all shades of green are sooo gorgeous to me i cant pick favourites. well theres one i like the most which is 'green leafs on trees when the sun shines through them' its very specific but its my favourite colour of all time forever...
last song: i had to go through ten pages of tf2 fight songs on last.fm for this. its such a funny bit but by god. anyway it was kuso breaking nou breaking lily by maximum the hormone. listened to that album for the first time a while back and this song is like my all time favourite from it, used to loop it constantly a few weeks/months ago pff
currently reading: cuckoo by gretchen felker-martin! ive yet to finish it but its really good i like it a lot... ive gotta hurry the fuck up i have to take it back to the library in like 3 days lmfao. really want to take a shot at drawning the main cast and the body horror.
currently watching: metalocalypse babyyyyyyyy. honestly wanted to just rewatch aotd again but wanted to finish rewatching the show first. supposed to be rewatching all of jjba but i hate part 2 i dont want to look at it.. also need to finish the golden girls lmao.
currently craving: b&j's cookie dough... i dont even like the cookie dough that much the vanilla ice cream is just so fucking delicious... havent had it in forever though because the price is absolutely fucking ridiculous lmao
coffee or tea: i love iced coffee and i love tea... fuck... i have to go with coffee simply because i like my iced coffees too much. tea is delicious though where would i be without it during winter.
hobby to try: all of them must be done i need to start my projects... drawing, writing, reading more, and uh, squints, making character edits that counts right. i need to learn how to use shotcut lol. been meaning to get into clay stuff or to learn to knit but i always forget to get on it lmao.
current au: cant think of any for the life of me tbh. OH SHIT YEAH my psychonauts metalocalypse au i forgot completely about that. i think dethklok being psychics would be so fucking funny they'd be so terrible. i can imagine revealing their horrors using their mental worlds so easy. i grin sinisterly. psychonauts aus are just so good always. also theyre so fun to design!! besides that all the current others are co-owned so if i was gonna mention them i'd want to make a big thing about it. like a really shitty gender reveal. (they're all really shitty, but you get what i mean right) congratulations, it's a freak!
tagging: friends and mutuals yippee yay! im shy tagging my mutuals so if you dont want to do this per some random internet fellow giving the say-so, then no pressure LOL @brookiesandcream @its-me-im-bumblebee @the-archivists-plus-one @classic-heavy @ruthytwoshakes @maplemaplemaplemaplemaple + anybody else who feels up to it, get silly w/ it!!
Get to Know Me (tagged by @slingbees)
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rules: tag 9 people you want to get to know better and catch up with
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Favorite Color(s): ORANGE!!!!! but also yellow!
Last Song:
youtube
Currently Reading: them Guardians of Ga'hoole books because when I was in the hospital I read one of them.
Currently Watching: I'm going through Red Vs Blue with some friends.
Currently Craving: this peach monster right beside me. don't tempt me.
Coffee or Tea: I haven't been drinking much of either recently, but coffee.
Hobby to Try: Start animating at home.
Current AU: I guess I've been thinking about that Simpsons comic where Smithers gets cloned, fucking hilarious they just start killing each other. Other than that, I don't know.
TAGGING:@sleepypuddding @funkyjunkyfangz @beeframennoodles100 @danklemckspankle @potatoqueensays @notevenhodgepodge @butchbarneygumble @lorogy662 @calpalsworld anyone else too!
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siffrin starts the game with oddly empty pockets for a rogue who has a habit of stashing away every little trinket that isn't nailed down
and a hardy pocketwatch is an indispensable tool for oceanic navigation
#loop slinking off from the other half of the party to go jump a random rival rogue before The Morality Squad can get on their ass#anyway this is once again me playing with How To Do Comics Literally At All. no real deeper message just a random ficlet basically#ALSO YEAH. MAP MEN LINK. YOU FIND ANOTHER CONSISE EXPLAINER ON THE CHRONOMETER LOL#isat#isat fanart#in stars and time#in stars and time fanart#isat spoilers#sifloop#isat siffrin#isat odile#isat loop#lucabyteart#the compass is there mostly to make the pocket watch navigation thing more obvious + because i like the staging of loop presenting 2 items#big dipper/polaris is the most basic choice to get across NAVIGATORY USE OF CONSTELLATIONS but . beggars cant be choosers#also the return of the Vague Postcanon Loop Outfit. love to just put them in a vague toga or whatever.#implication wrt odile's questioning is they still havent come clean about anything. but she's got suspicions.#theyre playing Truth Confession Chicken. psychological warfare#+ bonus artist's insight: loop odile up top there is me channelling the pop team epic GOGOGO DANGER ZONE comic#[odile voice] careful. danger zone. [loop voice] but i love danger zone.......
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hopeless time loop. the way out isnât to save everyone. the way out isnât to save even one person. the way out isnât to change anything. the way out is accepting how it happened the first time is how it always will be. thatâs how you acted, thatâs how they acted, thatâs how you would have acted every time if you werenât given the curse of hindsight. the way out is accepting you canât fix the past; you can only forgive yourself for it.
#there's this game i love called little hope that plays with these ideas (though not with a time loop)#i do love time loops narratives that explore how a person is confronted with their life and their choices#when forced to live the same day over and over again#and i LOVE time loops that try to reverse mistakes made and lives lost#but to see a character put themselves through loops upon loops upon loops#trying to rectify past mistakes (especially in the case where people died) only to be confronted with the reality it isn't working#and even in a loop where they save everyone the loop just resets#because the universe is essentially saying 'no that isn't how it happened and you know that's not how it happened'#it compels me!#i feel similarly about time travel where time 'fights back'#like this idea that there is a central timeline that time does not like being diverted from#so it will try to course correct itself#you save lincoln from an assassination only for him to die in a train crash#it's a cool way to confront the idea of fate#anyway all tragedies are hopeless time loops thank you for coming to my ted talk#a shout into the void#1k#5k#10k
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âI can tell TV from real life, Jeff. TV has structure, logic, rules, and likeable leading men. In real life, we have this. We have youâ is still one of the most METAL fucking lines in the entire series like??? abed just gagged him like that??? in front of EVERYONE??? insane. Iâm still not over it. goddamn
#top 10 most savage anime moments#I honestly donât watch this episode THAT much#just bc jeff and britta âpretendingâ to be in love and annie getting jealous is physcially upsetting for me#but the whole wedding scene is peak cinema#brittaâs marryin brittaâs marryin jeffrey wingerrr has been on loop in my head for weeks#and betty white is there lmfao kinda funny#ANYWAY#he humbled jeff so fast like GET HIS ASSâŒïž#community#nbc community#community nbc#abed nadir#jeff winger#abedâs uncontrollable queue-mas
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